CheapShow - Ep 321: Sprayonnaise

Starting point is 00:00:00 Week time, day time, any time, cheap show time! Eli Silverman, that's Paul Gannon. It's cheap show time. Thank you, everybody. Fucking cold open done, right? What have we got coming up on the show? Play the fucking shit. I don't fucking care.

Starting point is 00:00:16 I'm Eli Silverman. Hell, all right. I was going to do something really kind of sedate and relaxed. No. I was going to go, I was going to come and go, Hello there, everybody. Welcome to Cozy Pod. I was going to go, I was going to call me and go, hello there everybody. Welcome to Cozy Pod. I am your cozy host,

Starting point is 00:00:28 Cozy Ken. Cozy, cuddly, fuzzy Ken. They used to call you Fuzzy Ken. No, they've only ever called you Dick, Dick Splash Ken. I only agreed to come on this show if you wouldn't bring up my past.

Starting point is 00:00:38 And you've ruined it. This isn't Dick's so-called cuddly Ken. I'm not Dick. No, my name's Cuddly Ken and I'm a nice cuddly man. I like to cuddle. That's not what I've got here.

Starting point is 00:00:47 What have you got there? That's not what I've got down here. Dick Splash Dickhole Ken. Well, no, Dickhole was never official. And then also known as Knob Jockey Ken. Also known as Matted Hair Ken.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Eli, fuck off. What? You're one of my lovely cuddly new characters. It wasn't working you didn't give him a chance why can't you just play along with me

Starting point is 00:01:09 eh why can't you just play along with me yeah because yours was hello I'm Eli shout shout shout fuck this show play the credits

Starting point is 00:01:15 we'll start again no no we'll start again no let's start again alright then three two one

Starting point is 00:01:19 hello there I'm cuddly Ken and I don't half like tossing off fucking I don't know no tossing off fucking... I don't know. No!

Starting point is 00:01:28 You're right. You were right. We start again? No. I don't want to. I was going to be your mate. All right, let's do it again. One more.

Starting point is 00:01:36 One for the road. I'll come along as your mate, yeah? All right. But don't say about tossing off anyone. Well, I promise. I promise I won't talk about that. Just say, I'm Cuddly Ken, welcome to Cheap Show. All right. All right, here we go. All right. All right I promise. I promise I won't talk about that. Just say, I'm Cuddly Ken. Welcome to Cheap Show. Alright.

Starting point is 00:01:45 Alright, here we go. Okay. Hello there. I'm Cuddly Ken. It's my weekly cuddle podcast where I cuddle up with a special friend and we have a nice chat around the fire. And I've got a good friend with me now coming in for a cuddle. Coming over, Ken. Hello.

Starting point is 00:02:00 Who is this then? Fucking coming over. Coming. Uncomfortable for me. Hello, who is this then? Fucking come in over there. Fucking come in. Oh, sweet. Uncomfortable for me. Hello, it's my good friend, unwanted erection Eric. Oh.

Starting point is 00:02:14 I'm cuddle Ken and unwanted erection Eric. It's quite inappropriate, but I've got a fucking huge stiffy. Come and give me a cuddle. No, I don't think it's the right moment. Come here, get close. I can feel it. I don't want you to get the wrong message. I can feel it on my thigh the right moment. Come here, get close. No, I can feel it. No, I don't want you to get the wrong message.

Starting point is 00:02:26 I can feel it on me thigh. I don't want you to get the wrong... I can feel it on me thigh. It's pulsing. Don't get the wrong impression, okay? Because I'm an happily married man. And it's like a curious mole winking out the ground, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:02:37 Aye, aye, Ken, it is. And that's this week's Cold Open. No! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. King Accent Cheap Show

Starting point is 00:03:03 Cheap Show It's the price of shade Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle I sometimes want to give up on the artistic You can't give up

Starting point is 00:03:41 On the artistic endeavor Two seconds in I used to think of myself as an artist. You are. A piss artist. Yes. Ha, ha, ha. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:03:50 It's an economy comedy podcast. I've already said all this. I mean, honestly. Yeah, but because you shout it, no one hears it. I didn't shout it. I said, happy daytime time time. Yeah, that trope. So, what?

Starting point is 00:04:01 Come on. It's pure, pure trope. I'm not going to do a single trope or cliche for the next hour, I promise. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. That's a trope. You didn't spot that. I did. Well, I spotted it and I pointed it out to you.

Starting point is 00:04:15 What's going on here? Let me interject at this moment. Oh, I'm having a grape. You're having a grape. Are those your grapes? Yeah. Don't spoil your appetite because we have a Cheap Eats USA coming up. I can't wait for that.

Starting point is 00:04:28 Yes, this week on the podcast of your dreams, we've gone and searched for charity shops and candies and all our favourite places. Eli's gone to America. I went to Pinner, found some lovely records. So we've got a little bit of a platter, a little bit of a Cheap Eats for you this week. What a load of fun.

Starting point is 00:04:43 It looks like it's going to be a great fun episode for both of us and the listeners, Paul. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to it too, mate. And I'm looking forward to having a bit of a cuddle with Ken and a one-direction Eric later in the show. I think Eric went back to the trailer. He said, I have to deal with something.

Starting point is 00:05:03 He said he had to make a call or something. Yeah, that's understandable. He's a busy man. So as of this episode going out, we'll be in Leicester tomorrow. Wee!

Starting point is 00:05:15 Doing our live show and that'll be next week's episode live from the Leicester Comedy Festival. We're planning that as we speak. Anyone who's coming, have fun.

Starting point is 00:05:24 If you're bringing something along please don't make it too huge I have to take it back to London with me and just to say anyone who can't make it and there are you know thousands of you

Starting point is 00:05:33 millions of you I mean literally millions can't make it so it's fair to say you could say almost the whole population of the planet the whole planet won't be able to make it no one can make it apart from the hundred

Starting point is 00:05:44 you are the chosen yeah you are the to make it. No one can make it, apart from the hundred. You are the chosen. You are the chosen special few. The special few can make it, but fear not, rest of the world population statistically speaking, because you'll be able to listen to it. And we're also going to film it as well. But it will be the following week's episode. So next week's episode

Starting point is 00:05:59 everyone gets to see what we get up to. What we mischief. And I can't wait myself. We've got a lot of fun and games on. Unless anything goes wrong, the episode going out as is. Right. Or else we might do a voiceover bit. Introduce the episode. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:06:15 Do we ever do that? No, not really. Don't need to. Don't need to. We might put a little bit of colour at the beginning and the end of it just to make it special. A little bit of colour. Podcast experience.

Starting point is 00:06:22 What colour? Sort of translucent and then turning white. I'm thinking... Turning opaque. No, I'm thinking... A bit like wallpaper paste. No. You know what I'm getting to? Yeah. You know what I'm getting around to? You know what I'm referring to, Paul? Yes, you're talking about

Starting point is 00:06:38 spank, genital splash. Aren't you? I don't know why it's me who always brings it up these days. In both senses of the term. Don't you? I don't know why it's me who always brings it up these days. In both senses of the term. You bring it up. Like you're regurgitating food. He brought something up. Like you're regurgitating food for a baby bird.

Starting point is 00:06:54 He brings up an interesting point, which got me in the eye. As I was knocking him off. Well, obviously Eli's doing a different podcast to me this week. So that's fine. He brought up something. He wouldn't just sit there, would he?

Starting point is 00:07:10 Oh, he just brought up a bit of spunk. Oh, we have fun. We found a new way of referring to spunking and I'm glad. I just brought up a bit of spunk.

Starting point is 00:07:21 He brought up a difficult... Like a flan. Is there any other admin? Have you had I'm trying to think If anything exciting's happened And nothing Nothing

Starting point is 00:07:31 Oh I had some admin Yeah Now Yes Thanks for listening To last week's episode Me Yeah thank you

Starting point is 00:07:37 No I'm talking to the listenership now Oh okay Yeah The listener cognoscente Yes Are you getting a bit A bit runny? It all kind of came out of my nose.

Starting point is 00:07:48 You brought something up. Don't bring that up. A little bit of nose cum came out. Oh, my nose is fucking spunking everywhere. It's like I gave my nose zinc. Or magnesium, sorry. I forget which. What a delightful image

Starting point is 00:08:05 even that image of me whacking my nose off is really ruined my train of thought ah at least one thing that I want to correct or fill in

Starting point is 00:08:16 yeah stop alright from last week's episode do you remember yes I when we got to basically

Starting point is 00:08:24 the psychological nadir of the whole episode, when I had my little mental health lurch. And I wanted to poo in the woods. When we were on the corner of the Heath opposite the Masonic Temple. Yeah. I forgot that there was something in the original Brent Cross mall twats episode. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:39 That you spotted in the Wing Yip Chinese supermarket. Yeah. That we've tasted on the show very recently. Do you remember? I couldn't remember what it was. Yeah. It was... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:50 Ladies' Choice Sandwich Spread. Oh, my God, yes. That is Ladies' Choice Sandwich Spread. Do you remember? That was right. I do remember listening to that and going, that sounds familiar. Why is that familiar?

Starting point is 00:08:59 And it turns out it's familiar because we did it recently. Yes. And it was quite underwhelming. It was sort of like not quite mayonnaise, wasn't it? nays more like more like may no nays yes or you know may nose nays yeah or nose nays that's what that's no spunk isn't it yeah back to wanking off noses may no nays may no nays oh no but what about Jewish? Yiddish mayonnaise. What? Oy veyonnaise.

Starting point is 00:09:27 That's awful. Come on. No, not happening. That's awful. Oy veyonnaise, man. What the hell? All right, what about a town crier? Oy yay-o-naise.

Starting point is 00:09:39 Oy yay-o-naise. No, that's... Come on, we're finding stuff here now. Come on, let's keep going. Oh, that's it. And just mediocre, mediocre mayonnaise. Okay-o-naise. All right, that's good.

Starting point is 00:09:48 I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't. What's something which you could say was like spunk though? Or fanny batter? Spray-o-naise. I'm going to have to high five him, everyone.

Starting point is 00:10:01 There we go. Spray-o-naise. Oh, lovely. Oh, I caught her in a glancing blow with my spray and ice. Took her home last night. Gave her a big jar of Swellman's spray and ice. Swellman's spray and ice. Good night.

Starting point is 00:10:31 Swellman's spray and ice. goodnight oh we have to stop and get this episode on track now mate well we can just begin we're allowed to just begin the podcast now I need something to bring me down to earth that's too much for me

Starting point is 00:10:40 that was too much for me we're firing on all on all cylinder it just makes me laugh S on all cylinder just makes me laugh swellman's crayonets i can imagine like the fucking the logo on the on the jar old man spunk crayonets right oh do you think we've got the episode titled yeah uh yeah so it'll be one of those Right.

Starting point is 00:11:07 Do you think we've got the episode titled yet? Yeah. It'll be one of those. No, that's all I wanted to say. It was ladies' choice sandwich. Good stuff. It got us to a happy place, so I'm happy with that. Right, let's get this fucking show started.

Starting point is 00:11:22 All right. Well. Swell glands, mayonnaise. Yeah, there you go, swell glands. I just wanted to add a little bit more. Swell glands, mayonnaise. That's it. Yes, that's it. Now we're done.

Starting point is 00:11:35 We've reached the end point. We've done. We've peaked. Professionally, we've peaked. Well, yes. Yeah. Which of the two segments that we have for everyone are we going to start with today paul i forgot what you said let's start with the cheap eats please okay now i had let

Starting point is 00:11:52 me just say these are from the us yeah um basically all provided by the listener emma oh hello emma thank you for your candy and she's got a lot of stuff for us the one who's agreed to do the microwave videos yeah follow me now emma provided all of these for us and also gave me some quite delightful little He-Man Master of the Universe figures. Nice. You know, the small ones. Like the ones you get in a blind bag or something. They're like that big.

Starting point is 00:12:16 Oh, okay. I'll do that. They're about half the size of a standard Star Wars figure. Very nice detailing. Nice little things. Fair enough. I've got He-Man. I've got Man of War. I've got Manowar,

Starting point is 00:12:25 I've got... Skeletor? No Skeletor, but I've got the little wizard floaty thing. Orko! He's pretty cool. Orko is lovely, I like Orko.

Starting point is 00:12:33 So she gave me some of those stuff, but also, we've got so much stuff to get through here, Paul. Alright, well let's crack on then. Okay, do you want to start with sweet or savoury? Oh, savoury please. I want to end on a sweet note. I'm going to hand you this,

Starting point is 00:12:44 and then I'm going to have to get some stuff for us to eat it with. Ohy, please. I want to end on a sweet note. I'm going to hand you this and then I'm going to have to get some stuff for us to eat it with. Oh, mate, I don't want to fucking eat this. Every time you go away, you come back with sick meat.

Starting point is 00:12:53 This is devil meat, quite literally. It's deviled ham. It's premium quality. What makes it deviled? They add spices. What kind of spices? Have you had a deviled egg?

Starting point is 00:13:01 No. What does make something deviled? I don't know. Deviled kidneys you can have, can't you? I don't know. I've only ever heard of it. Deviled kidneys. I think it's something to do with curry sauce.

Starting point is 00:13:10 Here, I'm handing you the can. Oh, it's in a Underwood's premium quality deviled ham spread. Oh, it's a spread as well. Now, I've got two different types of cracker we can... Spread it on. All right. I've got an oat cake. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:24 You like an oat cake or i've got a rye vita a dark rye oh i like a nice dark uh dark rye vita should i grab a couple of those yeah i'll have one of them so this is ham cured with water salt brown sugar sodium nitrate and seasoning mustard flour spices turmeric turmeric that's apparently what it is and it says on the top tastes great in sandwiches visit underwoodspreads.com. Be careful when you type that in, in case there's a lady called Lady Underwood who spreads her legs.

Starting point is 00:13:51 Oh, dear. It comes in... It's like a tin, but it's wrapped in a paper to give it, I think, a false sense of quality. Oh, look, when you unwrap it, the tin is blank. Yes. A blank tin.

Starting point is 00:14:03 It's a very small blank tin, and it has a paper wrapping. I've already mentioned this while you were out the room. And a lovely little picture of a sandwich with the edges cut off and spread on. And I think celery. And little devils. Right, so what does deviled mean then? Now, are you telling me you've never come across a deviled food product before? No.

Starting point is 00:14:22 No one's ever said to you, Paul, good morning. I hope you enjoyed your sleep. I certainly did. Okay. Did you want to go somewhere with that? Or I don't know. Yeah, I was having a whole scenario where we'd made love

Starting point is 00:14:36 and then 60 years of eggs. But anyway. Hello, darling. After a romantic night, would you like some deviled ham? Deviled eggs. Deviled eggs. Or deviled kidneys. No one's offered you either of those things. I, would you like some deviled ham? Deviled eggs. Deviled eggs. Or deviled kidneys.

Starting point is 00:14:46 No one's offered you either of those things. I've never been offered anything deviled before. What is your feelings on awful? I feel pretty bad. Oh, shut up. I knew you would try that. What do you mean? I'm always going to go for the obvious joke.

Starting point is 00:14:56 Yes. Do you enjoy organs? Hell, thank you very much. I fucking do. I'm asking you. I never... Have you ever had a deviled organ? No, I know you don't. I'm asking you. I never had a deviled organ. No, I know you don't.

Starting point is 00:15:06 I know you're squeamish about certain foods based on certain psychological factors. I don't like it off the bone. You don't like it on the bone. No. You don't like it on the bone. Meat on the bone. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:18 So, and I know you can't eat fish. Yeah. Or seafood. But how do you feel about, you know, organ meat? I'll try it. No, I'm not. This is ham. It's just ham. It's not like it's tits and ass,'ll try it no i'm not this is ham it's just ham it's not like it's separately i'm asking you no i don't want to eat awful you don't eat liver was a means to an end during times of well it's in fact the most nutritious part of the animal

Starting point is 00:15:36 yeah if you're a predator in the wild like a large cat and you want to say look i love you to someone you're my family yeah you take bring them the liver so I mean that's bullshit it's not poor person food but no I'm not saying that but what I'm saying is people used all the animal when they were cooking it

Starting point is 00:15:51 back in the day and now I don't see the appeal of eating tits and arse not tits and arse I'm talking about liver teeth and kidney especially

Starting point is 00:15:58 no I'm not a fan of organs and awful you've never had chicken livers on toast no one of the greatest things of all time no it's not

Starting point is 00:16:03 only a fucking idiot someone what fat an idiot only an idiot yes an idiot would like that only idiots You've never had chicken livers on toast? No. One of the greatest things of all time. No, it's not. Only a fucking idiot. Someone what? Fat? An idiot? Only an idiot? Yes, an idiot would like that. Only idiots? You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Only idiots like chicken liver on toast. It's true. You fucking idiots. You fucking morons. Yeah, you fucking morons for having liver on toast. Who do you think you are? Hannibal Lecter? Chicken liver's still incredibly cheap.

Starting point is 00:16:23 So? And delicious. I don't want it. Deviled food, according to the Oxford Companion to Food. Devil is a culinary term first appearing in the 18th century as a noun. Talk into the mic because these facts are golden. As a noun. And then in the early 19th century as a verb, meaning to cook something with fiery, hot

Starting point is 00:16:40 spices or condiments. That's all it means. So in this case, it's just the mustard, right? Spiced. Mustarded ham. What we have mustard right spiced mustarded ham what we have is a spiced ham spread

Starting point is 00:16:48 and I want a good old niff report alright do you want me to prepare a should we have yeah get a get a

Starting point is 00:16:54 get a this is a dark rye rye vita they're nice aren't they I like rye vita I like the texture I don't know what it is but I like the texture

Starting point is 00:17:01 they're very moorish I find very moorish here's a rye vita for you. Just put it... Did you inhale some seeds? Actually, all the dust went in my eyes.

Starting point is 00:17:12 I've got Ravita dust in my eyes and now my eyes are crunchy. Ah. Okay, I am now going to... You could actually use that to pretend to someone that they were asleep by sprinkling it in their eyes and it would be like sleep in their eyes. Mr Sandman.

Starting point is 00:17:25 You're pathetic. If you are, why don't you simulate the idea of sleep in your eye by sprinkling Vivida on their eyes while they sleep. Great prank, Jeremy Beadle. I'm opening this up. Get the huff on that. Pull back. And now I reveal. Watch out because there might be some liquid

Starting point is 00:17:42 sort of... What's the smell? It smells like dog eggs. It smells of dog shit. Is that what's the smell? It smells like dog eggs It smells of dog shit Is that what you're saying? It smells like spam Actually no What's that thing you get? Corned beef Okay

Starting point is 00:17:52 Oh it does look like cat food It looks like cat food Oh kind of yeah It's got that corned beef hash Right I'm going to put a little bit on my Rye Vita Alright then Once you break through Mate I'm not going to eat that

Starting point is 00:18:03 Use that now You've put it in your mouth I didn't I just saw you fucking do it I've put it in your mouth. I didn't. I just saw you fucking do it. I avoided putting it in my mouth. I saw you. No, look at it. It has not been licked.

Starting point is 00:18:10 I'm going to dip it now instead. No, you can't dip it. I don't want to touch it. You won't let me. You fucking put that down. I didn't put it in my mouth. You will put it in your mouth. Don't get any on the chair.

Starting point is 00:18:17 I'm not going to. I'm just going to dip it. Just be deaf of fucking messing. Here we go. I thought of you and I didn't lick it. I saw him put it in his mouth. Yes, because you see what you believe.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Yeah, I believe. And that's wrong. You're wrong in that belief. Do you believe in Spam on a knife? This smells like dog food. Yeah, it does. I'm not looking forward to this,

Starting point is 00:18:36 but I'm just going to do it. Here we go. Oh, no. That is very poor. I'm not getting any spice. I'm not getting anything. It doesn't taste of anything apart from salt. There's a whiff of um the corn beef flavor but then that's gone and it's

Starting point is 00:18:50 just salt so salty it's not even unpleasant it's just salty yeah it's not unpleasant but there's nothing to it it's the food equivalent of a fart if i was really hungry i could eat it basically but i'd have to be really hungry or i have to put some you'd have to do something to it ironically you'd have to have some spice added, wouldn't you? But there's so much nothing in that. Yeah. It's like a paste, a crumbly paste of nothing.

Starting point is 00:19:11 Terrible. And a lot of those canned meat products from the US have been like that over the years. Do you remember we had that ham, salted ham? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Salted beef things. Salt shit, yeah. It was incredibly salty.

Starting point is 00:19:20 They all seem to be extremely salty. Yeah, no, that is a very poor item. That gets one out of five. I would say two out of five. I mean seem to be extremely salty. Yeah, no, that is a very poor item. That gets one out of five. I would say two out of five. I mean, I could eat it. It's just salt crumble. Yeah, it's bullshit. Now, I'm handing him his second item.

Starting point is 00:19:33 Oh, we've done Peeps before on the show, but not this flavour. We only did normal flavoured Peeps, didn't we? No, we did the hot tamale one. Remember for the pagan picnic episode? Oh, was it disgusting? Nah. I mean, I quite like that, but they're not edifying in any real way.

Starting point is 00:19:48 All right, so here we have another. Peeps are a popular brand of Halloween. They're not really Halloween, but they're just a marshmallow brand, right? Are they used in s'mores? I think you probably could. I don't know. They seem to be a big...

Starting point is 00:20:00 Aren't they a big tradition? Because they're shaped like bunnies. At Easter, sorry. And the chicks. They do chicks. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep the time we went to Twickenham and we just ate some normal flavoured ones. Yeah, that's the pagan picnic one. No, and that was the hot tamale one. Oh, there were hot tamale ones. There was no regular flavours

Starting point is 00:20:29 in that one. Oh. You've completely misremembered it. Once again, reformatting reality to Eli's brain. Well, I'd never licked that knife just now,

Starting point is 00:20:36 I tell you that. You fucking did. I fucking didn't. I was going to. I looked at you and you were doing the... I'm going to do it since you believe I've done it.

Starting point is 00:20:43 No, don't go back for more. I might just taste it. God, you're like Winnie the... I'm going to do it since you believe I've done it. No, don't go back for more. I might just taste it. God, you're like Winnie the Pooh for shit food. That makes me piglet. It tastes like tuna. Oversalted tuna fish. Does it? It's just... You know what I mean? Like tasteless, cheap, briny tuna. Anyway, we're moving on. These

Starting point is 00:21:01 are peeps. They're bunny-shaped and they are sparkly wild berry. What does that say to you? Raspberries, blueberries? Blue raspberry flavour, basically. I don't know. It'll just be a generic berry flavour. Well, these are purple, so I'm trying to think.

Starting point is 00:21:13 It's going to be like... Blackcurrant? Yeah. They don't have that flavour in the States. Oh, this smells very much of blackcurrant. Oh, there you go. It's actually a really nice smell. Have a huff at that.

Starting point is 00:21:21 Oh, yeah, it's like Ribena. Oh, yeah, a little bit. But there's a certain... Finto-y. No, it's Frutella raspberry or whatever it is. It's quite nice really nice smell. Have a huff at that. Oh, yeah, it's like Ribena. Oh, yeah, a little bit. But there's a certain... Finto-y. No, it's Frutella Raspberry or whatever it is. It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite a nice smell. Go and have one.

Starting point is 00:21:31 These are little bunnies. Don't tear the bag up too much. I've got to take pictures. I forgot to do that. See, I'm not a huge fan of marshmallows. I don't like the texture too much. I like them when they're roasted and melted on something. This has a dusting of sort of sour candy sugar.

Starting point is 00:21:44 That's the sparkling bit, isn't it? This is all right. This is quite a nice flavour. It does help with the sort of horrible, sort of overwhelming sameness of the texture thing that goes on with those. You know, there's a little bit of interest with that. It works well, actually, doesn't it?

Starting point is 00:21:57 It works well, the sourness of the dusting to cut through the... I was surprised I ate the whole of that. Not too bad. Because I don't usually like marshmallows, but that had a nice enough flavour to carry me through. All right. Three and a bit out of five for that.

Starting point is 00:22:10 Why not, right? I'd say three. For what it is, not too bad. I think nicer than the hot tamale ones, right? Oh, yeah. But that's kind of a gimmicky thing, right? I remember you almost puked, because you were going spongy down your throat,

Starting point is 00:22:21 and you were like... I don't think it was for that one. I think it was for another one that I didn't like. But either way, what's next? Oh, Kellogg's Fruit Loops. Gummies, naturally flavoured. Do you think every single thing will become a gummy? Is every single foodstuff on the planet,

Starting point is 00:22:36 at one point or another, going to be replicated in the form of a gummy? Yeah, deviled ham gummies. Deviled ham gummies. You can get bacon gummies, can't you? You can. And chilli. I don't think there'll ever be a specific deviled ham gummies. Deviled ham gummies. You can get bacon gummies, can't you? You can. And chilli. I don't think there'll ever be

Starting point is 00:22:46 a specific deviled ham gummy. You never know. Boffins make it happen. You get those bloody jelly bellies, that taste of dog shit and fucking sprue. Yeah, they just look like

Starting point is 00:22:56 little rings of gummies. Yeah, they look like the cereal but in gummy form and there's all the flavours. you're a bit of a, you're the resident cereal expert here on Cheap Show, Paul. You like cereal, don't you? I do, but I don't like Fruit Loops. I had but in gummy form. Now, you're the resident cereal expert here on Cheap Show, Paul.

Starting point is 00:23:05 You like cereal, don't you? I do, but I don't like Froot Loops. I had them in the past. Aren't they just like Cheerios? No, because they have those fruit flavours. I'm not a fan. It's weird to me. That's not what I look for in a cereal, that flavour profile.

Starting point is 00:23:19 I'm going to open the Froot Loops. I'm opening the bag carefully, for I should be taking pictures. Get the huff on it. They're not wrapped. No. Okay. It smells like all the fruit flavours in the world. Really?

Starting point is 00:23:30 Nice? Nice huff? It's all right. It's not too bad. It's very artificial smelling. Ooh. But it smells like the flavour rainbow. It's got an acrid kind of perfumey.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Yeah, no, it's a little bit perfumey. I'll give you that. I wasn't expecting that. But it's very artificial smelling. It doesn't smell the same as if you open a bag of Haribo, for example, does it? No, I don't even know how to explain it. Like a kind of pastely, palmer violet-y kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:53 I got a blue and a green. A bit floral, you're right. Like, weird. I've got a blue and a green, so I don't know what they're meant to taste like. I'm going to have a purple and an orange. Well, I think green's going to be apple. I don't know. I don't know what the original Flute Loops flavours are.

Starting point is 00:24:05 Well, you tried that cereal. It must all be the same flavour. It can't be different flavours for the different colours. Fuck it up. Here we go. Here we go. Not nice? Which one are you...

Starting point is 00:24:14 That was a green one. It tastes like I've just eaten into a fucking shaken vac. Very artificial. It feels like I'm chewing a perfume stick. Yeah, they've all got that weird... Tastes the same. It's a bit of a violety, soapy almost. I want to a perfume stick. Yeah, they've all got that weird palmoviolet-y, soapy almost. I want to find out something.

Starting point is 00:24:27 Fruit Loops supposedly tastes like a blend of orange, lemon, lime, apple, cherry, raspberry and blueberry. Hence, they're not fruit. They're Fruit F-R-O-O-T. The flavour hasn't changed since Kellogg's first manufactured the cereal in 1962. And the ingredients list proved the cereal is 0% fruit. Which is why they're spelt with F-R-L-O-T which I'd actually

Starting point is 00:24:49 never even noticed before until just now. Yeah, they can't legally call it fruit. Yeah, they really can't call it food really if you think about it. That's really unpleasant.

Starting point is 00:24:56 That's a lot worse than I thought it was going to be, Paul. They all taste the same. Can we just agree that that flavour, if they've used the same flavour for this

Starting point is 00:25:04 as they do on the cereal, it really doesn't work in gummy format. Although there's a Time article here I've just found that says, Breaking news, Fruit Loops are all the same flavour. Each loop does in fact taste like a mildly sweetened cardboard with negligible or no differences between them. Oh man, those gummies, they're almost bitter in their chemical-ness. They're just really bad. If a fairy farted in my mouth, a magical fairy farted in my mouth, it would be like that. They're really not good at all. God, they're awful.

Starting point is 00:25:32 I'll give it one. One out of five. One. I'll give it one. It's not even like, you know, some gummies are bad, but they're more-ish. That's not right. They're kind of, do you know what? It's almost bitter with that palmoviolet-y sort of...

Starting point is 00:25:42 Perfume. It's a perfumey fruit. It's like you've sprayed too much Lynx in the air and it's got that chemical sort of catch in the back of the throat, you know? Yeah. It's the Lynx aftershave

Starting point is 00:25:52 of gummies. Horrible. Oh. Horrible. Have you got one more thing? Well, I've got two more things. All right. What have you got?

Starting point is 00:26:00 One more thing? One more. Two more things? One more thing. It's one more thing that is two things. One more thing that's two more things. Two more things? One more thing. It's one more thing that is two things. One more thing that's two more things. What are they?

Starting point is 00:26:07 Two becomes one. Now. I need some snacks that I've never had a snack before. Gonna make love to you, baby. Thank you. When two become one. Do they become one? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:21 You fucking mash them all together. Or they do a shunting like in the film Society. Oh, is that called a shunting? Yeah, the whole process is called the shunting. Flips, Paul, what's your opinion? Oh, well, as it stands, Eli, I'm a big fan of flips. I like them. They're my favourite.

Starting point is 00:26:36 They're one of my... Well, just the regular choccy-woccy one. Or the milk chocolate ones. The choccy-woccy pretzel. You know what you don't see? What? The dark chocolate ones. No, you don't see them as much.

Starting point is 00:26:44 Maybe they weren't popular sellers. They were my favourites. You had that bag from what you don't see? What? The dark chocolate ones. No, you don't see them as much. Maybe they weren't popular sellers. They were my favourites. You had that bag from Halloween, didn't you? The pumpkin spice one. Pumpkin spice. They were all right, though. They were okay. They were better than I thought they were going to be.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Not quite sickly. Yeah, I can imagine that. Even though it's a salted pretzel underneath. That's the thing that's so good about... It's the salt. It's the salt that pokes through the sweetness of the chocolate, isn't it, basically? I fucking love pretzels. And I fucking doubly love chocolate

Starting point is 00:27:05 dip pretzels. Although, in my head, I always think back to Morats, when I see chocolate covered pretzels, I just think of smeary chocolate dysentery. On hands. On hands, and then watching people eat that pretzel up close. Bumhole finger. You basically think bumhole finger. I think of bumholes. Disease bumhole finger. I think of bumholes,

Starting point is 00:27:22 and that's why I think I love chocolate pricks you know there was one flips I mean chocolate covered pricks I love them I love them

Starting point is 00:27:33 I like to get someone nice and hard and then dump them in some fucking rich chocolate some nice dairy milk yeah and then how do you get it to freeze on

Starting point is 00:27:41 sort of because you want it you want to crack well then I dip their cock into dry ice so it's like I get them hard I tell them a neurotic story want to crack. Well, then I dip their cock into dry ice. So it's like, I get them hard. I tell them an erotic story.

Starting point is 00:27:48 It's turning quite horrific. And then I dip their junk in hot molten chocolate. And then I dip their junk into ice. And then what? You take a hammer and then their dick shatters in lots of bloody chocolatey fragments. No, because when you're whacking them off to get them hard, you lubricate the shaft. So when the chocolate dries,

Starting point is 00:28:02 it just slides off the cock quite easily. Honestly, Eli, think it through. No, cock if you dip their cock into that zero thing the cock's gonna freeze hard yeah that's why i go through a load of different men you see what i mean what's wrong what have i done wrong disgusting wrong to those 700 men to make one bag of my chocolate covered pricks now possible second title for this episode. I was, no, I don't think so. Paul. Yes.

Starting point is 00:28:31 Flips I've only been aware of. So chocolate covered pretzels obviously go back as old as time itself. Tale as old as time. Days of old when knights of yeoman stoutry. In days of old when knights were bold

Starting point is 00:28:42 and condoms weren't invented. You'd wrap a sock around your cock and babies were prevented. That's the song I remember in school. I trust you have your own. I've got... Go on. Go on. Did a skid, bust his...

Starting point is 00:28:54 Oh, no, I've got... Get down on it. Are you having a mental breakdown? It's not my helmet. You've done this one before. Don't destroy it. You've done that before. And it's the only one I remember.

Starting point is 00:29:04 That's the one you always do. Just enjoy it. Yeah. You and I in a little wig shop. Buy a bowl and with the money we've got, try it on at the break of dawn. And come on now, well, we'll all want one. Oi!

Starting point is 00:29:18 You used to sing that at school? Yeah. You're weird. To kids who had a bowl haircut. Oh, yeah. As if to say... To mock them. Yeah. I don't know why. Kids are a bowl of haircut. Oh, yeah. As if to say... To mock them. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:25 Yes. I don't know why. Kids are horrible shits. They are, aren't they? Flips, I was only aware of them about four years ago for the first time. But are they a heritage brand is what I'm trying to ask you. The flips is a brand that are reasonably new. But chocolate croquettes pretzels are just chocolate croquettes pretzels, mate.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Yeah, they're just a fucking thing. Just fucking chocolate croquettes pretzels, mate. They're just fucking chocolate croquettes pretzels, mate. They're just fucking chocolate croquettes pretzels, mate. Oh, fucking chocolate croquettes pretzels, mate. Yeah, there's just a fucking thing of fucking chocolate covered pretzels, mate. There's a fucking chocolate covered pretzels, mate. Oh, fucking chocolate covered pretzels! Gotta get up, gotta get out.

Starting point is 00:29:52 Eee! Put it in the kiki! Soon as we get over for flips. Flips? What are we talking about? Are these called flips? These are flips branded

Starting point is 00:30:01 other products that aren't chocolate covered pretzels, Paul. I saw them in a gas station, Reid petrol station, in the US. And I brought them across the sea for us to taste. These are chocolate bark versions of the brand Flips. Now.

Starting point is 00:30:17 So they look like a lion bar almost. They're not actual bars because I can feel they have a tray element, like a bottom piece, which is just a flat piece of cardboard. And there's distinct objects shuffling around on top of these cardboard things. Like the bounty setup. Exactly. Thank you for remembering that. In fact, that is probably the best analogy I can think of right now. Yes, but they're two separate products.

Starting point is 00:30:37 So flips, but they both say pretzels and caramel. And one is bites, which I'm going to allow you to open, Paul. And one is clusters. Now, what is the difference here? What is the difference? Bites and clusters. Carefully open that. I'm going to carefully open the wrapper now.

Starting point is 00:30:51 And then I'll take out a bite, you take out a cluster. No, sorry, vice versa. I'll take out a bite and you take out a cluster. And we'll see what the deal is. Both appear to be pairing caramel rather than chocolate with pretzel. I don't think we should eat these because they're white and they're not meant to be white. They're fine. They're not.

Starting point is 00:31:11 That happens to chocolate. When chocolate goes white, it's not good. It's fine. It's not off. It's just, look. This looks like a little knoblet. It's fine. This looks like a little knoblet.

Starting point is 00:31:19 Yeah, yours looks absolutely fine. I'll eat that one then. But all of them look like that. That one's the least. I'll eat that. I'll happily eat that. It's not poison. I only bought it last then. But all of them look like that. I'll eat that. I'll happily eat that. It's not poison. I only bought it last month.

Starting point is 00:31:28 I'm going to taste one of these clusters. And I'm going to taste one of these bites. It looks like they've just stuck a pretzel in the middle of a dollop of chocolate. It's got caramel in it, my one. Has it? What's your one got in? I think it's got a big dollop of caramel in it as well.

Starting point is 00:31:40 But, mate, this has definitely gone off. Fucker, Al. This has gone off. Oh, mate. That's not edible. The pretzel was stale, the chocolate was just powdery. It's fine. It's not. I'm eating one, everyone. He's being a big baby. I'm not.

Starting point is 00:32:03 I'm sorry that I have standards and you've killed your taste buds after years of neglect and abuse.'m eating one, everyone. He's being a big baby. I'm not. I'm sorry that I have standards and you've killed your taste buds after years of neglect and abuse. It tastes fine, everyone. It doesn't. It tastes off. You being a big namby-pamby. Anyway, it had a gooey centre,

Starting point is 00:32:14 like a thick caramel, but then didn't that one have that? Yeah, exactly the same. So what's the difference? Taste one of those. See, that one looks like a brand new thing you can buy and should eat. That looks like it's been in the shop window for a while.

Starting point is 00:32:25 Some air got to it. It's fine. You're not meant to eat chocolate when it goes like that. There's no rot. That's not true. You don't know what's in there. Christ, it's been in the gas station for maybe two fucking years before you walked out the shop with it.

Starting point is 00:32:37 It was fucking fine. I'm enjoying it. It does taste fine. There's a massive difference. This is soft. It crumbles. The pretzel tastes firm pretty good

Starting point is 00:32:47 yeah that's lovely I think that's my favourite thing I've tasted so far today Paul that's crumble rot it's not it's just a bit dried out it's still it was fine honestly

Starting point is 00:32:55 it wasn't rotten it's not I don't want people listening to this thinking it's alright it's a bit white it's not have some standards

Starting point is 00:33:02 you can eat chocolate that's gone a bit white. Do you remember we did that off-brand brand off? It was fine. It just means it's got a little bit of aeration, a little bit of oxidisation, a little bit of scrub scrub. A little bit of scrub scrub on the Choccy Nub Nub. Okay?

Starting point is 00:33:17 A little bit of Chub Chub on the... Oh, I've got Chub. Chub in there. Scrub my... Scrub my... So, I need a mark from you you little baby if you it's rotten it was just a little bit crisp right i had to chew and i let you get away with fucking word garbage for a while here's my opinion one i am never eating anything that's gone off like that before ever again. Before ever again. Shut up! I'm angry.

Starting point is 00:33:48 We've gone back in time, Marty. Oh, I forgot the point now. You've got no point. That's why you've got no leg to stand on. It was slightly stale, I might just concede. It was in no way unfit. It was stale because when you bite into chocolate, it should not go in your mouth, which is what that did. What, like if you were dusting off a book in a library?

Starting point is 00:34:07 Yes. That chocolate. The other one, lovely. I would give it a 3.5. It's a bit too much chocolate. Cluster. Yeah. I think the cluster's fine.

Starting point is 00:34:16 The pretzel is sort of overwhelmed a bit, isn't it? By all the caramel. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't work the same way as just a standard flip. I literally have no fucking clue what the difference between the two brands are, though. I think they're the same. Perhaps that's what that was a discontinued old one, and they just had old ones lying

Starting point is 00:34:30 in the shop. Maybe, I think it's the same product, isn't it? I don't know. That's just an old one. They're definitely the same thing. They're basically just mounds of caramel covered in chocolate with a pretzel somewhere inside. This says milk chocolate, caramel, and pretzels. What does yours say in the bottom left corner on the front?

Starting point is 00:34:44 Milk chocolate, caramel, and pretzels. What does yours say in the bottom left corner on the front? Milk chocolate, caramel and pretzels. So it's the exact same fucking thing. That must just be an old one. Except that one's been in a shop window for seven years and that one's reasonably new. It's so old that they've actually changed the brand name of it to something else. And that was an old one, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:35:00 Just look at that, the whiteness of it. It's white. And it doesn't smell right. It smells off, mate. Stop making me eat all of this shit. You've done a spitty out. You had a little

Starting point is 00:35:13 spitty, spitty moment. You're having a grape. Clean your palate with a grape. Clean it with me grape. Lovely grapes. Good. Now,

Starting point is 00:35:21 what was your favourite item from the States there? The gummies, the Fruit Loop gummies were really unpleasant. The deviled ham was just boring item from the States there? The gummies, the Fruit Loop gummies were really unpleasant. The deviled ham was just boring and just... No, point. Dull.

Starting point is 00:35:30 It's not deviled. It's a lie. It's just salted ham. It's not even... It's what? It's troubled ham. It's salty ham. That is definitely...

Starting point is 00:35:36 Troubled ham. That's definitely fucking abattoir floor scraping. Oh, yeah. You know? That's reconstructed from the drippings. It's iron grating bog brush shavings. That's horrible. Bog roll yeah. That's reconstructed from the drippings. Iron grating bog brush shavings. That's horrible. Bog roll shavings. Bog roll.

Starting point is 00:35:49 Bog roll? Bog roll. Bog roll. I think we're losing it, mate. I would actually probably go with the Peeps, although that pretzel bite was nice, but I think there's too much going on. It's too much hard work. Yeah, I don't, but like you, I'm not a marshmallow eater. I'm not someone like you I'm not a marshmallow eater

Starting point is 00:36:05 I'm not someone who I'm not a marshmallow eater I said that at the fucking beginning of the segment I know that's why I said I'm like you you're nothing like me

Starting point is 00:36:12 you ain't got my sex appeal why are you so angry because you made me eat white crumbly mess so I think I have to go for the flips because I can imagine having that

Starting point is 00:36:22 and reaching for it and having it with a cup of tea or something. Whereas I'm never going to eat a Peeps. However, nicely dusted it is, you know. I would say, forgetting about all the white rot on that chalk, I would say. You're the one who can't seem to forget about it. I would say the Peeps and the pretzel bite or whatever it's called, cluster, come out on top. But the deviled ham and the fruit,

Starting point is 00:36:47 you know, Kellogg's, stick with the cereal, please. Stick with what you know, Kellogg's. That really is something really unpleasant. Yeah, but you know they just tossed it off to some factory to make it. We're going to fucking do that because it's a brand. It's terrible. It's terrible. Right, what have we learned?

Starting point is 00:36:59 That you don't bring the commitment with your mouth and... I bring commitment with my mouth, mate. You don't bring the commitment with your mouth and... I bring commitment with my mouth, mate. You don't bring the true scientific belief in the method. I don't even know if that's going to pick up on the microphone, but that was unnecessarily loud sneeze from your flatmate. The mic back expert sneezing in the corridor outside. You don't bring enough compassion and knowledge to the table here and I'm better at you than you.

Starting point is 00:37:28 But I gave the world spray and A's. You gave the world spray and A's. So I'm going out on a high. I'm going to walk out of this with a jaunty angle on my hat. You don't wear hats. Spinning my cane. You don't have a cane? Oh, if you've got a cane, could you pop by the trailer?

Starting point is 00:37:44 Because Unwanted Direction Eric needs someone to knock it on the head. Tap it. Is that where the phrase comes from could you pop by the trailer? Yeah. Because unwanted direction Eric needs someone to... Knock it on the head. Tap it. Is that where the phrase comes from? Knock it on the head, mate. What? Bit aroused. Knock it on the head.

Starting point is 00:37:52 Take a wooden ruler and go... On the top. I don't know where the phrase knock it on the head came from. Knock it off. But your knob doesn't have a head, so I mean... Mine does. It has a top bit. That's not a head.

Starting point is 00:38:01 Mine doesn't really have a head. You're anthropomorphising your knob. It doesn't really have a head You're anthropomorphising Your knob It doesn't really have a head But it does have a jaw I can't explain it But my penis The top of my penis Has a jaw

Starting point is 00:38:10 It opens up like a Like a Pac-Man Like Predator Oh my god It kind of opens out Yes Yeah And behind it

Starting point is 00:38:17 Is the little face Of Orville the Duck It's a weird thing The time travel From a few weeks ago Was really messed it up Oh right I thought it looked perfect

Starting point is 00:38:24 And it did. But, you know, I was having a bit of fun with myself the other day, and then all of a sudden the mandibles opened out at the front. And then it was like, I wish I could fly. Right. I was like, oh, get in, get in. Basically, so your dick hasn't come back in the same shape as it used to be from the future and that.

Starting point is 00:38:40 Yeah, it all got morphed. But, like, to the naked eye, it looks fine. But the minute you get him angry, oh, awful, comes out. So it has the emotion of anger, it all got morphed. But like, to the naked eye, it looks fine. But the minute you get him angry, oh, awful, comes out. So it has the emotion of anger, your penis, as well. You're talking to your penis. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:51 What's that, penis? I must kill Eli. What's that? I must give him over to all of them. Listen, this isn't working for me, this bit, Paul. Let's just end this segment then, shall we?

Starting point is 00:39:01 It's a shame. Please, press the button. You should have seen what I was going to do with... No, I didn't. I really... What? I really didn't want to hear any more there.

Starting point is 00:39:09 I'm sorry. Sometimes it just doesn't work for me. What's the name of the monkey from... Is it Chuckles? Chuckles. Is it Chuckles the monkey? Yes, it is Chuckles the monkey. All right.

Starting point is 00:39:19 If you think the oval penis is bad, you should see where I've got Chuckles the monkey. In your arsehole. Yeah, it's in the arsehole. I guessed that. I've got oval coming out the front and Chuckles coming out the back. Please let that be an end to it.

Starting point is 00:39:42 Welcome back, everyone. It's time now for Silverman's Platters. This is where we look at records. I think that combination of snacks has hit me in the wrong place. I'm beginning to feel quite awful. In what way? Do you have the sweats? No, like I've just had a lot of fake shit in my mouth. Like everything I put in my mouth has just all been fake.

Starting point is 00:40:00 Yeah. You know what I mean? I feel like I've just bombarded my mouth with chemicals. Well, Paul, you can have a very healthy grape, if you like. Can I have another healthy grape? I'm having a healthy grape. Here's a grape, and it's going in my mouth. Now, listen.

Starting point is 00:40:13 We're not doing ASMR here. Oh, do you know there's an ASMR exhibition? Is there? Yeah, at the Science Museum or something, I think. What happens? You go in and someone goes... And then you fucking jack it. Do we?

Starting point is 00:40:24 That's what everyone does, isn't it? To ASMR? Yeah go in and then you fucking jack it. That's what everyone does, isn't it? To ASMR. Yeah. All the time, fucking jacking it. Flapping and

Starting point is 00:40:30 jacking and frapping. Frapping and jacking and flapping. And fappuccino in. Flappuccino. Flappuccino.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Have a flappuccino, please. I'll have a pint. It's a big foamy fanny. Have a flappuccino. Oh, no. Oh. No, no.

Starting point is 00:40:48 No, it's time for Silverman's Platters, Paul, and we've got records to look at today. Three records. I'll have a Contardo. Contardo. Contardo. Fanny Coffee. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:41:02 Oh, now you've got my mind going. Fanny Coffee. I'm trying to think of, like, puns to do with all of the different types of coffee and vaginas. Is there any more? There's cappuccino. We've done that one. Fappuccino. Fappuccino.

Starting point is 00:41:14 Flappuccino. Flappuccino. Flappuccino. Twattuccino. What other coffees have we got? There's macchiato. Fanniato. Can't we just put the word fanny at the beginning or the end of it? Well, yeah, you can.

Starting point is 00:41:27 I mean, you can do that. There's got to be something better, though, than that. What are the other ones? Contardo. It's vulgar, but it works. French fanny. Oh, I've got one. Splat white.

Starting point is 00:41:41 Splat white! We need to stop now, Paul. I'm on fire! Splat White. Splat White! Yay! We need to stop now, Paul. I'm on fire! Splat White. I'll have a Splat White and a Flappuccino, please. Can we stop, please? Starfucks. Now, shut up.

Starting point is 00:41:56 It's time for Silverman Splatters. Oh, that's my favourite segment of all of Cheap Show. Where we look at records, often novelty records, Paul. We like a bit of instrumental weirdness, that type of thing. Sonic amusements. We have three records today and we will listen to a bit, discuss it, and then we'll say whether we think, Paul, it's a platter, meaning we like it. We like it.

Starting point is 00:42:18 In some way we like it. It appeals to us in some way. It appeals in some level to us. In some tiny little bit of in some level to us. In some time, a little bit of excitement. In a skill way. Or inspires us. In some way, it brings relevance and meaning to this dreary trodge we call life.

Starting point is 00:42:33 Yes. Or it's a splatter. Or we don't like it. Or we don't like that. Or a waste of plastic. Or a waste of content. No use. It's just like a blip.

Starting point is 00:42:41 Throw it out, Mother. I've spunked on a wall. I hate it, Mother. Get it out. I'm squeegeeing off my dry cummings into your mouth, Mother. Wait, what? Squeegee off my dry cummings into your mouth, Mother. Was that one of George Formey's earliest?

Starting point is 00:42:51 I just don't remember. Squeegee your mouth off into me, oh. I was spoffing in my mother's mouth the other day. She went down south to Burnley and I saw her in the shops. Nice. But then I got my cock out and I came to completion and then I filled her little mouth with all my froth. And I said, oh, me dad's a spunky monkey.

Starting point is 00:43:14 Oh, turned out white again. Come on. This has been pointlessly rude this week. Oh, he got me spunky monkey. Come on. I've got to stop eating grapes. Stop eating those grapes. It's very unprofessional.

Starting point is 00:43:31 You're right, but they're so boorish. I know, but we've got plenty of time when we're not recording the podcast. To eat grapes, I know. Let's look at the first record. And the first record today is, now this is unusual. It's called Five Tracks of laughter by the hysterics where did you find it a charity shop yes i know that's the point of this show it's a cursed record it really is a cursed record because it's both annoying and unsettling there are five tracks

Starting point is 00:44:00 five tracks across two sides of a seven inchinch single. Yeah. I'm going to read them out. Yeah. And then you'll get an idea. Yeah. Are you going to play bits of these? I'm going to wait until we've talked, and then I'll play a bit. I'm not going to play all of it. Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:44:14 Track one, Jingle Bells Laughing All The Way. And it's basically someone laughing through jingle bells. It has a little note here in brackets. St. Nick laughs in tune to jingle bells. So it's meant to be Santa Claus then laughing and that was pretty hard to get through wasn't it Paul it was a trial

Starting point is 00:44:29 because it's a bit like that laughing policeman song without the context of the lyrics leading up to the laughing chorus yes I mean there's a certain technique where you can sort of laugh in tune

Starting point is 00:44:37 and that's what it's done there it's noticed you can recognise it as Jingle Bells in laughter yeah you really don't need to describe it further than that.

Starting point is 00:44:45 No, don't you. Then the second track, Gesundheit. Gesundheit, which is a person sneezing. He's trying not to sneeze, isn't he? No, he's sneezing, but the sneezing's making him laugh. Yeah. So he's like, achoo! It says in brackets, man with incontrollable sneezing and hiccups.

Starting point is 00:45:00 Right. How long does that run for, does it tell you? No, but it's too long. It's too long. And then we go over to the second side. We flip it. Trackups. Right. How long does that run for, does it tell you? No, but it's too long. It's too long. And then we go over to the second side. We flip it. Track three. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:09 Too much soda. Any guesses out there? Yes, you're right. It's someone burping and laughing. Yeah, burping because they drank too many fizzy pops. Hysterical laugh. It says belching man brings down the house. Brings down the house.

Starting point is 00:45:21 I don't believe that really brought down anything. There's nothing unfunnier than listening to someone laugh. Then we have track four. Now that's funny. I mean, is it? No. The answer is no.

Starting point is 00:45:32 No. Which is basically hysterical laughter after hearing a funny joke. What they've done with that one, Paul, I don't even remember, was he starts with just a little chuckle and he's trying to build.

Starting point is 00:45:42 Oh, yeah. He builds to hysteria. Which isn't done that brilliantly. I mean, it's not bad. It's trying to build oh yeah he builds to hysteria which isn't done that brilliantly i mean it's not bad it's hard to laugh convincingly yeah and he i mean can we give them that yeah that person does a good joke yeah uh job it's effective they do a decent job of pretending to laugh and there is a noticeable starts with a chuckle leads to a full before he gets gets it gets hysterical like that um then we have track five mass hysteria hysterical group laughter a do-it-yourself tv laugh track now that really is

Starting point is 00:46:12 the peak of the record and the most uh nightmarish because it is he's multi-tracked themselves it seems like one at most two people did all of those voices uh well it says it's from a group of people called the Just for Laughs Players, but I don't know if it's related to Just for Laughs, the Canadian comedy festival. It cannot be. I don't think it is. The two producers of that thing, one worked mostly on country and western stuff, country music, and the other one didn't do anything bar that. It says here, Larry Robbins and Danny O'Keefe.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Danny O'Keefe, I believe believe is the one who's had a bit of experience doing proper records the other thing to mention is the cover art which is like it seems completely unrelated it looks like advertising art from the early part of the 20th century doesn't it yes like imagine if the besto kid got a punch in the face that's what that drawing looks like this is a little boy wearing a hat oh the hat's been pulled down the brim is around his neck so that's part of the violence that's yeah meted out towards this poor child he's wearing a hat. Oh, the hat's been pulled down. The brim is around his neck. So that's part of the violence that's been meted out towards this poor child.

Starting point is 00:47:08 He's wearing a red cravat thing. The brim of the hat, you can imagine, has been pulled down over his head like a donut. And there's his little face. It has scratches, a black eye,

Starting point is 00:47:18 and scratches. I wonder if it's taken from an old newspaper comic strip and they've just repurposed it for that. But why put that with your laughter track? Mate, I'll go further. Why create that whole fucking thing in the first place? Because I'll let you tell you what,

Starting point is 00:47:31 let's give them a little taste of it right now. What should I play? You tell me what I should play. Which one should I play? I think you should play some of the Mass Hysteria. All right, I'm going to play a bit of that. Not too much because it's just interminable. You'll get the idea.

Starting point is 00:48:10 So, yeah, I don't know what the point of that is, why it was released, what they expected to get out of that existed. It's weird. And did you say, through the research you'd done, that there was an LP of it as well? It's on an LP, but that LP is just more laughing tracks. Yeah, that's what I mean. There was a longer version of this record with more tracks of laughter,

Starting point is 00:48:28 more than five tracks. I think the album was called Just for Laughs. I'd have to look it up again, but I'm honestly kind of mentally zoning out of it. Because again, it's just very strange. What would you use it for? Home movies. You're doing a sitcom?

Starting point is 00:48:41 All right, let's do it now. I'm going to use these sound effects for a little scene we're going to do now. Okay. All right, this is the Eli and Paul sitcom called Wacky Boys. Okay. All right, and here we go with a new episode of Wacky Boys. Oh, nothing on telly. Oh, oh, oh, my girlfriend's left me. Oh, what's on telly now?

Starting point is 00:49:19 Oh, you're here, are you? Hello, mate. I was just here, and I was here when your girlfriend left, and I saw her walk into the street and get hit by a bus. Before that, yeah, I've shat in the kitchen. Yeah, well, before that... I've shat all round here, shat round here, shat round here. Yeah, and I've done a bit of a poo over there.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Oh, you've done a bit of a poo over there. I mean, I hope you don't mind, but I did a poo in your fish tank as well. Oh, I wondered what was wrong with you. You've had a little brown fish in there. A little Johnny Burnett. That's what I call my fish. Yeah, a little goldfish. And now he's got a little chunky brown friend in there

Starting point is 00:49:52 who's just bobbing on the surface. A little bobbing brown fish. This might be the worst thing we've ever done in the whole history of this show. Just brought up a little bit of cum then as well. Brought up? Hey, call back. Wait there, keep this.

Starting point is 00:50:06 I can't do this sitcom anymore. Anyway, we've got to... I'm going out into the street to lie down. My boss is coming round for a meal and I've got to impress him or I won't get my promotion. The problem is I've shat in a shat in a shat in a

Starting point is 00:50:23 shat in a I am the boss. I've come for this meal to make sure you get a promotion. What's all this shit? I'm sorry, Mr. Hunkinhausen, Palsen, Malsen, Talsen, Balsen, Balsen, Malsen, Ralsen. I've shat. Well, luckily for you... Can we stop?

Starting point is 00:50:43 Luckily for you, I, Mr. Malsen, Balsen, Palsen, Talsen, Pousen, Gousen, Mousen, Pousen, Towsen, Fousen, Gousen, don't half like shit. And I'm going to give you both a promotion. And I want you to all take a massive dump in my gob. Oh, that was lucky. What a great day this turned out to be. Your girlfriend's dead. It's a shame about that. But at least you got a promotion. Oh, no. Oh, she was lucky. What a great day this turned out to be. Pity your girlfriend's dead. Yeah, it's a shame about that, but at least you got a promotion.

Starting point is 00:51:07 Oh, no. Oh, she's alive. Oh, well, all things end well. Oh, and also, what are we going to do with all this poo? Oh, buy it off you for top quality money. Oh, now the status quo is gone again. It doesn't matter.

Starting point is 00:51:22 And the end of the episode. That was a bad idea. That's the only use that album's ever been given that we gave it. Okay, now it needs to... Although we both know... Splatter. Splatter for me as well.

Starting point is 00:51:40 I just don't get it. It's not even charming. It's just a disturbing, weird thing. Yeah. All that can be said is some of the laughter sounds convincingly like laughter. Yeah, and maybe you're making your own sitcom, and maybe you want to put that on.

Starting point is 00:51:53 I don't know. Oh, terrible record. Terrible record, terrible, terrible, terrible record. Really bad. Let's move on to the next track on Silverman's Platters. Five. Five. Four. Three.

Starting point is 00:52:11 Two. Spunker Birds and go. Thanks. I was going to do that proper then.

Starting point is 00:52:18 What were you going to say? Thunder turds are go. I've got Spunker Birds. I just think

Starting point is 00:52:23 we've done a lot of spunk today so I thought I'd mix it up. Not literally mix it up. No, there was a lot of shit and spunk of birds. I just think we've done a lot of spunk today so I thought I'd mix it up. Not literally mix it up. No, there was a lot of shit and spunk all over the place. Mate, this is our forte, right?

Starting point is 00:52:30 It's not our forte. I used to be ashamed of it and now it's just like who else is fucking doing this? No one's forte. Not that I listen to. Spunk and shit. Anyway, this album,

Starting point is 00:52:40 this next, not album, this next single, vinyl single that I found in Pinna is, what country did you find that hysterics in? America, weren't you out there? No. Oh, over here.

Starting point is 00:52:48 It predates my trip to America, yes. Oh, because that car label it was on, we couldn't find anything about that either, bar one or two novelty shit like that. Very strange label. Sorry to go back to the laughter track thing, but also the label has someone doing the Satan hand. Devil horns or something.

Starting point is 00:53:03 Rock horns, yeah. Yeah, for those who rock, we salute you. It's that kind of thing, isn't it? Well, it's the devil,. Devil horns or something. Rock horns, yeah. Yeah, for those who rock where we salute you. That kind of thing, isn't it? Well, it's the devil, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, this is Thunderbirds are go by FAB and MC Parker.

Starting point is 00:53:14 Anything can happen in the next seven inches. Yeah, that's what I tell my girlfriend. I get into bed and I do me old Parker voice where I go, Who am I, lady? And then she pretends to be Mrs. Penelope from Thunderbirds, Lady Penelope.

Starting point is 00:53:28 She goes, yes, Parker. And then I say, anything could happen in the next seven inches. And then I go, five, four, three, two, one. I come on a tit. Spunk a bird's eye, go. Yeah, so anything could happen in the next seven minutes. Now, I thought this was bigger than it was, because it turns out...

Starting point is 00:53:48 Well, it's quite big. Seven inches is quite big. There's 12 inches you can get as well. Oh, I've got 12. Anything can happen in the next 12 inches, yeah. This, to me, epitomises naff retro dance music of the 90s, and indeed came out in 1990. In 1990, and it came off the back of the resurgence

Starting point is 00:54:04 of Gerry Anderson's works from the 60s and 70s right so did it or did it predate that because no i think it was about this i think this is quite early in that process 1990 and i think even it sort of is the start of the sort of constant regurgitation of stuff from decades previous isn't it paul it's like that wasn't a really big thing until the late 80s where people would consciously sort of well sampling technology wasn't around this obviously uses a hell of a lot of vocal samples so okay here's what i think happened i think when dance music was becoming popular that whole idea of making it a novelty made it more approachable to the general public right which is why we got the kind of toy box

Starting point is 00:54:44 rave stuff you know with like rub like, Rebarbon Custard. Yeah, this is very much in that ilk. Yeah. As long as pop culture's been like it has been, we've always been referring back to it, so... I know, but this actually can refer to the actual audio of the actual TV show, which is something that was new-ish in 1990s stuff.

Starting point is 00:54:58 Well, let's rewind. First of all, Gerry Anderson was a guy who did marionette puppetry TV shows, which he liked to call Supermarionation, I believe the focus the whole thing basically he would make hollywood looking movies but with marionettes and for those who don't really know what we're talking about think uh team america the uh the film by very much based on his style yeah america yeah so thunderbirds particularly was a disaster movie of the week kind of show where there'd be a disaster and thunderbirds International Rescue

Starting point is 00:55:25 would fly out on one of their crazy machines and save the day in some respect. He had loads of shows, though. Stingray, Fireball XL5. Captain Scarlet. Yeah, Terrorhawks. He also had a live sci-fi show, didn't he? UFO?

Starting point is 00:55:39 Or was it Space 1999? I think it was Space 1999. I can't remember. Perhaps he had two, UFO and Space 1999. Well, he also had Space Patrol or whatever in the 90s. And he had Terrorhawks. I said Terrorhawks, yeah. No, you didn't say Terrorhawks.

Starting point is 00:55:52 I did say fucking Terrorhawks. You didn't say Terrorhawks. Right, well, right now, I'm going to make the effort and put in the bit where I say Terrorhawks that I said just then. Okay, unless there isn't one. And then what are you going to put in? An apology? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:04 I'm not going to need to, mate, because I fucking said terror hawks. I'm looking forward to listening to this week's episode and hearing the word

Starting point is 00:56:09 sorry around now. Well, no, you're not going to hear it unless the word is I'm sorry you have such a big dick. You're sorry I have a big dick?

Starting point is 00:56:16 No, you're sorry I have a big dick. I am very confused now. He had loads of shows, though. Stingray, Fireball XL5, Captain scarlet uh yeah a terror hawks all you need to know you've you've taken this episode and it had some potential it had

Starting point is 00:56:34 some nice things about it it had it had a little bit of direction had some characters you know a little sprinkling a little bit a little bit this a little bit that and you've shat on it with your mouth your terrible mouth, and your fucking tendency to try and think of a concept, but instead of using the concept, your brain, at the last minute, replaces said concept with its opposite, Paul. And you do that with words.

Starting point is 00:56:56 What's the opposite of a concept? What's the opposite of a concept? Yeah. A fucking, I'm looking at it. What, the opposite of a concept? That's quite a unique beast to be. You are. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:57:06 Well, at least I make the effort. You're an empty void where the meaning once resided. At least I make the effort. At least this... Most weeks, I try and create comedy scenarios to play out. Whereas what you do is you open your mouth and let vowels and consonants fall out and pray that it's funny.

Starting point is 00:57:21 I pray that the consonants are funny and let the vowels be good as well as well, and I come to church, say, Ooby Dooby. See, that was literally the points I'm making. Ooby Dooby Do. Show me this. Chunky monkey dooby doo.

Starting point is 00:57:40 I can't believe you're happy with that. Spooky doogie boogie doo. You genuinely should be embarrassed. I'm just going to go're happy with that. You genuinely should be embarrassed. I'm just going to go ahead and say that. I am actually embarrassed about my whole life. Thanks for bringing that up, Paul. Anyway, in the early 90s, Gerry Anderson's shows were on the up in terms of popularity.

Starting point is 00:58:02 They were just being repeated and getting a whole new audience. Kids were falling in love with it. So a few years later, in 1993, Blue Peter famously did their homemade Tracy Island toy. But wasn't it also a toy that used to be commercially produced? It was, but Blue Peter kind of blew it up for kids in the UK. So it was on the BBC, probably then, Thunderbirds. It was on BBC Two, I believe, Blue Peter. I mean, originally it was an ITV show, or certainly ITC made it, so

Starting point is 00:58:25 it might have been a commercial channel thing before BBC did the repeats. Either way, it was huge, and around about that time, this came out. And let's just play this now. Stand by for action. Calling International Rescue. Calling International Rescue.

Starting point is 00:58:43 You can't help us. We're trapped. Five. Four. Calling international rescue. Calling international rescue. You gotta help us. Watch your eyes. Five, four, three, two, one. Thunderbirds are go. Okay, brain, here we go. HE MUMBLES Watch your eardrums. She's about to lift off. HE WHISTLES I don't know, to me it's just a bit too discordant. It's shit. There's no flow to it.

Starting point is 00:59:32 It's very much the dance music of that era. Rave, isn't it? It's early rave. Commercial. But even something like Pump Up The Volume, right, which came out a few years earlier, has flow. It has structure this is

Starting point is 00:59:45 just like here's a bunch of samples stop change the rhythm is a bunch of other samples stop changing the rhythm now we're going to put in mistrons for no reason and the fucking yeah stingray it's like it's such a muddle it's um artless and it's not it's done in a in a crude and artless way don't you think it has no it has no grace has no sort of nuance in the way that the samples are deployed it's very scattershot put it that way but again i don't know the art form maybe someone who's more knowledgeable goes i know that's actually quite well done but no just to my ear yeah it really feels um like a cash in this and it was very popular wasn't it got to number five in the charts it hung around it was very much of the the zeitgeist in the 90s, wasn't it?

Starting point is 01:00:27 Yeah. But you wouldn't really want to play this nostalgically and go, oh, I remember this, what a bop. No, there's so much crap coming through, right from about 87 onwards, with all this sort of novelty sampler dance stuff. Well, it goes to what we've said before, and probably what we'll say again for the next track

Starting point is 01:00:44 that we're going to talk about, is that music would come from other countries to this country, and what we'd do to make it acceptable was to make it novelty. So, like, rap was a big thing in America. It comes over here, and all of a sudden, Kenny Everett's doing it. Yes.

Starting point is 01:00:55 Or, you know, fucking I don't know. And this is very much the same with dance, underground dance, I suppose. Is it like Euro dance? It's rave. it's more like acid house yeah becomes this you have the summer of love in 87 the second second summer of love and then you have this three years later so this is when that kind of music has come and again come into the chart and it's soulless and artless as we keep saying but again it's it's based on a gimmick

Starting point is 01:01:20 it's based on people going oh isn't it amusing that the very idea of Thunderbirds being used in a rave track is in itself inherently something interesting. But that novelty is long gone now. It's one of those things where I kind of get why it existed. I just don't think it stands up. It's like, it's not... Terrible.

Starting point is 01:01:35 It's a terrible rehashing of culture and it just sort of denigrates both dance music and Thunderbirds by existing. Yeah, it did come from an album that was celebrating all that Gerry Anderson stuff, but it was also The Prisoner and other shows

Starting point is 01:01:48 of the 60s and things. 60s nostalgia. This is when it starts to get repackaged and regurgitated into the mainstream dance scene. God. It was awful.

Starting point is 01:01:57 I hated it at the time and now it just looks pathetic. It's a cash-in, but they must have paid the actual artwork on the cover of this. It's alright. I quite like. I like the graphic design job

Starting point is 01:02:07 they've done there it's Parker in a kind of happy hardcore costume and think of it from their point of view think of it from the Andersons estate they were like

Starting point is 01:02:14 was it this Fraser profile yeah fuck it do it that's the other thing I was going to say they definitely got paid they licensed it yeah they would have had to probably not much at the time

Starting point is 01:02:22 but give it five years and you'd be asking a lot more for that same license, I'd imagine. Because Toys came out, it was huge. It was a huge resurgence and they didn't do anything new. Just repackaged all the old stuff. Am I right in thinking Jerry Anderson actually completely invented that form of marionette?

Starting point is 01:02:36 Yeah, that form of puppetry. Well, obviously he didn't invent marionettes. No, of course. But in terms of what he did for those TV shows, yeah, they were reasonably revolutionary. I think they were like for the time they were like a million dollars

Starting point is 01:02:47 an episode kind of thing crazy yeah whatever that ended up being but it was a very expensive thing because everything was a set everything was an enlarged it's what they would call a bigoture these days

Starting point is 01:02:57 where it's like rather than a small model it was a big small model of a building so they could blow it all up or an airplane so they were having to build new disaster movies every week.

Starting point is 01:03:06 And then they would blow stuff up as well and burn it. She got blowed up all the time in that show. It was great. I remember really enjoying it as a kid. I used to like Thunderbirds. I mean, not...

Starting point is 01:03:15 I like Turtles. Yeah, go on. Terror Hawks because it had that woman with the hair and she sounded... She couldn't clear her throat properly. Is that right?

Starting point is 01:03:24 Yeah, they were all like witches, weren't they? And one would giggle and her wig would fall down over her eyes, which always upset me, that one. But I didn't like it for that. What I wanted

Starting point is 01:03:32 was one of those balls from Terrorhawks. You know, those like the... And then he had a ball. Winsor Davis, wasn't it? The voice of the ball. Remember? At the end of every episode

Starting point is 01:03:39 they did tic-tac-toe and it was like the square logo and then the ball. You remember the metal balls? The metal balls from Terrorhawks. They And it was like the square logo and then the ball. You remember the metal balls? The metal balls? I remember the metal balls. From Terrorhawks.

Starting point is 01:03:48 They're a bit like the balls out of Phantasm, are they? No, they were just like robot heads, but spherical with the eyes. Oh, they're good, yeah. I do not remember the most iconic part of that show. I just remember when she sounded like she needed to clear her throat. Because you got hard watching it, didn't you? You used to watch it for that. And when Zelda came on and cackled...

Starting point is 01:04:03 Flemmy Zelda, I used to call her. Flemmy, Flemmy Zelda. Lubricating throat parts. Lubricating throat Zelda. I think we've come to the end of the podcast and I don't just mean today's episode. We always say this, get over

Starting point is 01:04:18 it. I might have to stop doing this after that sitcom really made me feel bad. I felt like I was stuck in a cul-de-sac of my own making Cut to the Comedy Awards next year and new sitcom award

Starting point is 01:04:30 goes to Wacky Boys It's been a real privilege working with this it's been a whole we've been working hard all our lives and I just want to thank

Starting point is 01:04:36 a few people who got us here today I want to thank my mother and my father and of course God Would you thank God? No of course I wouldn't Well then And then I would hand

Starting point is 01:04:43 the trophy to you and then you'd do your speech Thanks I want to thank my mother and my father and God Yeah God's important I want to thank God? No, of course I wouldn't. Well then. And then I would hand the trophy to you and then you'd do your speech. Thanks. I want to thank my mother, my father and God. Yeah, God's important. I want to thank God. God's really important to our work. Paul.

Starting point is 01:04:52 Yeah. It's getting dark in here. Platter. Splatter. What does it matter? Pick one now. I have to say splatter. I find it very egregious.

Starting point is 01:05:01 I don't find it egregious, but I don't think it stands up now. I don't think you can even enjoy it ironically now. No. That light has no bulb. It doesn't have a lamp in it. It doesn't have a bulb in it. It doesn't have a bulb in it.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Right. Oh, we all learn something don't we? And I've learned I'm a dopey shit. So it's two splatters for two. Two splatters.

Starting point is 01:05:16 Maybe the third one will turn it around. Let's find out. Oh, Eli Did you do a fart? No And now you're sitting in your own mess No, I did not Did you stick or twist?

Starting point is 01:05:44 Did you do a fart? No. You did though. No, I didn't. I don't know what. This is childish and annoying. And I think everyone agrees with me when I say this. Your fixation on poo is childish and annoying.

Starting point is 01:05:59 I think you'd poo. I'd poo. Yes, I do. Every day, Paul. Everyone has to poo. It's normal and a grown up and something humans have to deal with

Starting point is 01:06:07 I think you'd want to fart less if it came out your penis that's all I'm saying if people farted out if men farted out their penis if men

Starting point is 01:06:14 this is what we have come to on this show now Paul if every time a man farted it came out of their penis I think there'd be a lot less of it

Starting point is 01:06:22 it'd be a different world wouldn't it I just don't know why that's amusing to me. You'd still have to fart. No, because all the air gets rerouted. How would you stop it? You couldn't. You'd have to, like, muffle it with your hand.

Starting point is 01:06:34 Just grab the helmet. Grab the top of it, then dip it in chocolate. Then take it out, then dip it in dry ice. Oh, here we go. Then slide it off the shaft. It's the molten Mowbray pork pies all over again. Imagine if the head of your penis looked like a molten Mowbray pork pie. I don't know why that tickled me so much.

Starting point is 01:06:52 I'll make the jelly come out. Crack the crust, there's jelly inside. Crack the crust, me molten Mowbray's itching to get out me kegs. I'll smear my pork pie jelly all over your curtains. Would you like some deviled pork darling you did do windy I didn't anyway

Starting point is 01:07:10 you did do stinky windy no absolutely not mate you know I'm going to find it in the audio and make it as loud as I possibly can without distorting the track

Starting point is 01:07:16 please don't what's it for me I'll give you head oh this is a great episode it's now time for our final vinyl selection on today's show and this is a great episode it's on now time for our final uh vinyl selection on today's show and this is again another one i found in pinna in the same box mark you this is a very nice find i have to say paul i don't want to foreshadow whether it's a splatter or a platter but this is of the most interest for me for today's selection yes this, this is from Mother-in-Law Records and it's called The Barnsley Rap by Barnsley Bill.

Starting point is 01:07:48 And let's just dive into it. It sounds like this. He's not the man from Mars. He's not Johnny B. Goode. He's not Johnny Reggae. He's not Captain Kirk. He's not Jilter John. He's not Flash Goddard.

Starting point is 01:07:56 He's not Major Tom. But Barnsley Bill. Ip, ip, ip, rapping up. Don't you dare stop till you reach the top All you girls need a lad like me To take you where you want to be Cos I'm Barnsley Bill, King of Dales And when I rap I never fail

Starting point is 01:08:13 All in East who leads it West Everyone will tell me I'm the best Try, try, triton chips If you wear a cap you know it fits Try, try, triton chips If you wear a cap, you know it fits Try, try, try and chips If you wear a cap, you know it fits Round the pub down, rock the pub up Shake your fat down, round the pub down

Starting point is 01:08:32 Sub your ale up, round the pub down Do your blouse up, round the pub down I met Wakefield Sue in the snow She beat me at dance but she couldn't do the rap I said, hey there Sue, let's not dance We can go back to my place, give your legs a chance She said, see my legs are made it? I believe this is 1981. And it is a rap from a guy called Barnsley Bill.

Starting point is 01:09:12 It is an extremely early rap record. Some believe it might be the first UK's hip-hop song. Yeah, because if you think, usually what people say is the first sort of international rap record, officially, is... Yeah. Thingy Delight. Holiday Rap. Oh. Rapper's Delight.

Starting point is 01:09:27 Yeah. By the... Sugar Hill Gang. Yeah, thank you. So my brain always goes fucking blank. I keep wanting to say that. Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang, which came out in 79. So only two years, presumably, before this did. Yes.

Starting point is 01:09:40 It's funny because it's an era. That was a sample, obviously, because it sampled Chic's Good Times. Oh, yeah, of course it does. Yes. But this is not sampled. This backing track sounds much more like something... In the style of Chic. No, in the style, really, of...

Starting point is 01:09:53 It sounds like an Ian Dury and the Blockheads backing track. No, you're right. It does have a sense of that, but doesn't... It has a sort of Brit funk feel. But didn't Ian Dury take from there anyway in the first place? Like, he took those riffs he did but he also but also there was a sort of brit funk thing going on right which um was sort of britain's musicians in britain sort of um reaction to the disco thing in the states so people like

Starting point is 01:10:19 freeze or okay the real thing yeah and it has a sort of sound of its own high tension is another one of those british groups and they call it now they call it brit funk it's right it's not really funk it's more brit disco it's more in retrospective they've called it that okay the genre is known as brit funk but that has a sort of brit funk sound and also like an ian jury in the blockhead sound yeah um it's not the backing track doesn't seem to have been composed of samples the way that hip-hop would overwhelmingly be in years to come after this do you see what i mean but it's actually someone's played the bass someone's actually played oh yeah yeah yeah it's more of a disco backing than a hip-hop backing it's weird because apparently there

Starting point is 01:10:58 was another single called freewheeling rap from the same artist barnsley bill oh i'd love to i'd love to get hold of an lp i can't find it called the freewheeling Barnsley Bill oh I'd love to I'd love to get hold of that and there was an LP I can't find it called the free wheeling Barnsley Bill okay there was an LP as well and weirdly on the sticker here

Starting point is 01:11:11 for the other single free wheeling rap there's a few things on here like mother-in-law records if it ain't mother-in-law it ain't worth a stiff I don't know what that's a reference

Starting point is 01:11:20 to stiff records which was a big label in Britain at the time which had lots of artists like Elvis Costello and people like that on it. Okay. And I think

Starting point is 01:11:28 Ian Jury and the Blockheads was on stiff. Okay, that makes sense. I'm pretty sure, yeah. Then it says history repeats itself now wash your hands. Is that a reference

Starting point is 01:11:35 or something? Isn't the history repeats itself is that Cheb Woolley thing? It's based on that remember the Oh, history repeats itself the assassination and playing him in jail.

Starting point is 01:11:44 All of that, yeah. Maybe. But also, round the rim of thisig. All of that, yeah. Maybe. But also, around the rim of this sticker... I have to get hold of this LP. If you see it, anyone, please. If anyone has it or sees it in a charity shop, grab it. Right, around the rim of the sticker it says, If you are about to remove my grooves, think twice.

Starting point is 01:11:58 PRT don't like snivelling little tea leaves, and nor do I. Thieves, tea leaves are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's that saying? Don't sample what we've created. Or don't take, is that the price sticker? No, it's like the label sticker on the other single. Strange.

Starting point is 01:12:15 So the reason why I look into it, because like who's this Barnsley Bill? So I went to a website called Marco on the Bass, a website from a guy who loves says here, two-tone ska, reggae, soul and rocksteady. Who is Barnsley Bill he says. First the details. Barnsley Bill could be the man responsible for the first ever

Starting point is 01:12:32 British rap record. This obscure 1981 12-inch single Freewheeling Rap. We have the seven. Yeah. Well this is called Barnsley Rap. So it's different. So it might be off the LP. But it's not Freewheeling Rap. Ah ah whatever that is we don't have it here predates any uk rap record ever released signed by an independent label

Starting point is 01:12:51 mother-in-law records bill took a uniquely british approach to the early 80s rap choosing to deliver his rhymes in native northern accent in fact bill is so hard he can fold a newspaper drive 75 000 miles a year and eat three Weetabix. The track was produced by Ronnie Bossa Nova and backed by Dave's International, who supply the heavy funk riff. Borrowed from the classic Shack Up. Ban Bara. Oh, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:13:14 You know that. I don't know. Let's put it on now. Put Shack Up. Heavy, heavy tune. Similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I can hear it now.

Starting point is 01:13:46 I don't know if it's actually borrowed. I mean, I'm very familiar with that tune. I used to play that DJing. Yeah, it's a nice track. Yeah, but it doesn't jump out at me as being a version one of the other. But, you know, they're similar. It's more similar to, I think, the Sugarhill Gangs. The Chic Bass. Yeah, it's got more of that going on.

Starting point is 01:14:02 But anyway, for those living outside the UK, Barnsley is a coal mining town in South Yorkshire, England, located between Sheffield and Leeds. While I'm no native, my guess is that Barnsley Bill is tweaking the locals and local culture, as he will. How about that sound of the corn at Flugelhorn? It's quite distinct and may lend a clue to the real identity of the artist. Now, here's where there's a bit of speculation.

Starting point is 01:14:20 Who do you think Barnsley Bill is? The answer, apparently, is Horace Panta of the specials and they did Ghost Town right? They did as well as and what's another good one? She's much too young

Starting point is 01:14:31 You've got to You've got to You've got to meet for me They did that as well Walla Walla Walla that one. But they're not my

Starting point is 01:14:39 favourite two time group you know which my favourite are? Monkey Monkey Boys I don't know. The Beat. The Beat.

Starting point is 01:14:46 Who did Too Nice to Talk To and Rat in the Kitchen. No, that was UB40. Fuck me. They did Too Nice to Talk To

Starting point is 01:14:53 and they did that version of Tears of a Clown and they also did The Beat did a lot of good stuff. I think they're slightly better

Starting point is 01:15:00 than the specials. I don't know much about that whole oeuvre so I'll leave you to it. The Beat were really good. Anyway, during the time after Ghost Town, when the band members were taking a break,

Starting point is 01:15:10 brackets, breaking up, Panta recorded the song at a lark for just £300. And rumour has it that the one and only Dick Cuthill laid down that unmistakable horn line. That song and another that Panta recorded as Barnsley Bill, titled Wedding Rap, are both long out of print. Now, underneath that, someone's replied to this comment by saying, actually, the real ID of Barnsley Bill is Rob Allen.

Starting point is 01:15:33 He's a Barnsley lad born and bred. Although it's true the record was produced by Horace, as Ronnie bossing over, the singing is all Rob, featuring vocals from Horace's then-girlfriend, Wakefield Sue. I like the female voice on it. And they both met at Lanchester Poly. Don't you think the female voice is quite good on it has a kind of flow yeah but it's also got that thing that like um that we were talking about with that whole british female voice singing which you could trace up to people like lily allen now but that

Starting point is 01:15:59 whole sing song sing song half rap half singing sort of stuff yeah but she's really nice on this record and the rapping isn't bad as well and you know it's very the whole idea of a northern rapper yeah talking about sort of aspects of their their existence in the north pitman do you remember pitman no now you should look into that all right what is it man was a sort of novelty rap act who did um versions of like from the 90s though, we're talking late 90s, in a northern accent. Like,

Starting point is 01:16:29 it takes T instead of it takes two or something. Okay. He's got stuff like that. It's all new to me. Okay. Fair enough.

Starting point is 01:16:34 Pitman, he goes down the pit. And then has songs to sing about that experience. Yeah, and it was a big thing and he also did a version of Ten Tides of Bitter.

Starting point is 01:16:43 What was that one that guy did? Roots Maneuver. What was that tune? Roots maneuver what was that tune i had no idea what you're doing are you just staring at me and saying things i can't fathom pitman is like a later version of barnsley bill is what i'm saying he's a rapper and hip-hop producer from colville in leicestershire so it's definitely the sort of same part of the world yeah so funnily enough it does say on the youtube videos because obviously everyone's got an opinion that yeah barnsley bill is rob allen yeah born and bred the record was in bradford pennines radio top 10 made number 90 in 81 but pitman sort of stole his act which is funny because he well to be fair it's kind of a it's an obvious joke that i just think people pick up on but it

Starting point is 01:17:18 was so early it's funny to see an example of it's so close to when the first rap and hip-hop would have been heard in Britain obviously now do you know Paul although someone's saying Alan and Blewett the chip shop rapping came before this

Starting point is 01:17:31 in 1980 I want to hear that as well I'm very interested in this we've done that though before no you're thinking of that Rab C Nesbitt thing oh yeah yeah we're not

Starting point is 01:17:39 now that is I said a chip shoot a chippy the chippy with a chip, chip, shop But you don't stop the queuing for the bang, bang, mash I said fried place and Alex with chippies and the muscly peas I said a chip, shop, a chippy, the chippy with a chip, chip, shop But you don't stop the queuing for the bang, bang, mash

Starting point is 01:17:57 I said fried place and Alex with chippies and the muscly peas It all sounds like League of Gentlemen sketches, have you noticed that as well? It's funny how it came It was Became sort of a novelty thing That loads of people Seem to have the same idea Around the same time

Starting point is 01:18:11 Novelty rap But this came out A year before Barnsley Bill Barnsley Bill There were club DJs From the Midlands And Tony Blute

Starting point is 01:18:18 Was a radio presenter In South Africa these days Probably the first UK hip hop ever made Only Ian Jewelry's Reason to be cheerful Is earlier Yes Reasons to be Cheerful is earlier. Yes.

Starting point is 01:18:25 Reasons to be cheerful. Yeah, I know. One, two, three. That has... See, it's not... Is it... Yeah, it's a tricky one. But the Barnsley Bill is more original

Starting point is 01:18:33 because the Barnsley Bill doesn't feel like... That's definitely exactly the same bass line, the cheek bass line from Rapper's Delight, isn't it? Tony Allen, Tony Blewett were resident DJs at the Bubbles nightclub in Hinkley in the late 70s, early 80s. Bubbles, wow. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 01:18:48 I bet it had a champagne glass picture of the Bubbles, didn't it? Probably. No. It probably had like a neon light of a glass with Bubbles coming out randomly.

Starting point is 01:18:56 I was thinking of Witness the Pitness. Okay, by Mr. Pitman. Which was MC Pitman, which is a version of Roots Maneuvers' Witness the Fitness, which was a huge British Roots Maneuvers' Witness the Fitness, which was a huge British rap phenomenon.

Starting point is 01:19:08 Let's have a little bit of Pitman here. Singing detective, flaky. See, it's all like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much the same idea, isn't it? Sort of transposing the... It's kind of really hard to put a pin on then what you would call the first hip-hop. Is it because it was officially released?

Starting point is 01:19:40 You know what I mean? It's like, I don't know. Also, the thing to mention about hip-hop and rap, Paul, is in all of these sort of histories that you see on telly for years they say the first record was um rapper's delight by the sugar hill gang now that the interest in it has grown and the research that's come out as it actually that culture actually originated in the early 70s 73 they put it back to now because isn't it go with like beat poetry and stuff like that that stuff was going on in the early 70s. Which also split into punk at some point as well.

Starting point is 01:20:08 In New York. And also getting their due as being, you know, a huge force in American and popular music. Oh, yeah. You know, it's funny for us because it's so kind of ubiquitous and accepted and crossed over rap. But it was, it seemed like a novelty to people in britain at the time that this barnsley do you see what i mean it's the only the only context that people could give it was as comedy or or novelty because they didn't actually it was just too alien as an actual as an actual pop music but there's also a sense of like you were saying how you can understand why a lot

Starting point is 01:20:40 of northerners would have done a rap song like this because of similar but not quite the same pride in their it sort of works transposing the poverty of New York that a lot of the rappers from that part of the world were talking about

Starting point is 01:20:51 when they originated it into the you know the pits and the coal mines the tropes of the north of England I think it's probably done out of affection

Starting point is 01:20:59 right absolutely Pitman is definitely into hip hop and I think you know the guys who did Barnsley Bill must have like really loved that music and said well how can we transpose that to something we i think they definitely did and that's another reason why this is for me a

Starting point is 01:21:13 definite platter because it really it feels like they there's some respect they're not just pastiching it for a laugh they're sort of giving it a go it's it's obviously a novelty a kind of comedy record yes but at the same time they're taking it seriously and the lyrics are comparatively well written in that they used the cadence of, you know, the glottal stops and things in Northern language to kind of use the beats and the lyrics. The dialects, isn't there?

Starting point is 01:21:33 Totally. So, you know what? If you know more about this, please do get in touch. But as it stands, I'm going to definitely give that a platter. That was a really lovely find. Yeah, very, very nice find, Paul.

Starting point is 01:21:43 My pleasure. Good stuff. And you know what? Not as good as the Anfield rap. Liverpool, let's say. I'd push it above the Anfield rap. Oh, I don't know. It hasn't got Bruce Grobbelaar on it.

Starting point is 01:21:54 You know, I think he could have, he did it cheaply, they say, if it was, in fact. 300 quid, they say. But they could have put some more sort of instrumentation on the flip because it gets a bit boring,

Starting point is 01:22:02 just the backing track, doesn't it? It is just the backing track. But honestly, if you had tossed something out for 300 quid, which, to be fair, is still a lot of money back in 1980. sort of instrumentation on the flip because it gets a bit boring just the backing track doesn't it it is just the backing track but honestly if you toss something out for 300 quid which to be fair it's still a lot of money back in 1980

Starting point is 01:22:09 you know I'd probably say this has got more of a right to claim to be the first British rap record than that other one that you're rapping because that's just

Starting point is 01:22:16 sort of a that is a direct sort of answer record a parody yeah you can say that's a parody because it's got the same music but he's doing it

Starting point is 01:22:24 whereas this they've actually written a new if similar piece of music to do it to yeah yeah what a lovely find well done Barnsley Bill

Starting point is 01:22:31 right let's wrap this sod of an episode up ah all good things must come to an end and so should Cheap Show so that's it for this week obviously

Starting point is 01:22:43 if you're seeing us in Leicester tomorrow as of time of broadcast of this podcast, people in the future are going to miss out and find this all very redundant. We look forward to seeing you there. Well, and if you're not, then you can listen to next week's episode.

Starting point is 01:22:54 Oh, good point. Yeah, we are doing that. There will be a video as well. It's going to be live. It's going to be live. It's going to be spicy. Spice up on my bum bum. And we're going to be joined by Tom Mayhew.

Starting point is 01:23:04 So that'll be lovely to have him back on the show. I'll moisten the lips of my bum hole and then you sprinkle the paprika. How about I put a peep in your arse? Oh, you won't get a peep out of me. What if I put a sparkly wild berry peep up your chunter? Oh, you won't get a peep out of me. Do you want to just keep saying that until I laugh? You won't get a peep out of me.

Starting point is 01:23:23 What if I squeeze your cock and one came out? That won't count. Won't get a pee-pee out of me. Anyone? Anyone? Do you want to start this again? Yes, I do so badly. Tough, this one's staying in to teach you a valuable lesson.

Starting point is 01:23:37 It won't, though. I won't learn. I'll never learn. I'll say sclabbage. Sclabbage, sclabbage, sclabbage. Moisten the beard with the oil. Shut up, please. So I get through the admin.

Starting point is 01:23:48 Well, do it then. Right. God, you tie me out. Everything you want is on our website. Look, long story short, go to thecheapshow.co.uk. It's all there, Paul. It's all there. Episode guides.

Starting point is 01:24:01 What else is there? Videos. Links to merch. Anything else? Links to Vans magazine. Anything else? episode guides what else is there videos links to merch anything else links to events magazine anything else links to ticket sales for digitizer

Starting point is 01:24:10 anything else we're doing digitizer is it four now digitizer live anything else stop it you won't get a peep out of me

Starting point is 01:24:17 it's off putting anything else you know what I'm going to stick a peep up your arse and then pull it out just so I can get a peep out of you and then smell smell my peep arsehole peep probably probably it out just so I can get a peep out of you. And then smell my peep,

Starting point is 01:24:25 my arsehole peep. Probably not. It'll probably smell like... It won't come out again. It'll probably get all melty. It'll probably smell like Nana's bathroom once I pull it out, right? You won't get a peep out of me.

Starting point is 01:24:34 Stop saying, get a peep out of me. Can I give my Twitter address now? No. If you were paying attention, you'd realise we haven't gotten there yet. Thecheapshow.co.uk, your one-stop shop for everything.

Starting point is 01:24:43 It sends you everywhere. But if you want to go on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod, I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snoyd, spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And thankfully,

Starting point is 01:24:53 this podcast is kept strong and kept alive by our Patreon supporters. If you'd like to become one, please give what you can, but only if you can, at patreon.com forward slash cheap show. If you can't support us that way

Starting point is 01:25:05 please just retweet comment online that is also lovely who will drizzle the libidinous oils down the beard and dripping on the floor oh you've worked you've worked the wax work oh i will pop a grape into your meters in a minute My beard oils have stained your wax. No, in fact, I'm going to take two grapes and push them into the sides of your penis to make your mouth look like a squirrel's gob with nuts in. Oh, the urn of the libidinous oils has been poured through the beard and now it must stain the wax and flaws.

Starting point is 01:25:37 I'm going to hammer a nail into your dick onto a plank of wood. Is that all you can say? You can't even... You've got no poetry. All right. Come on. Forsooth, I doth hammer your winky With a hammer

Starting point is 01:25:48 Let's play the fucking song Have we done it? No, you don't Shut up Stop rushing me Tonight Fucking hell Tonight

Starting point is 01:25:56 Tonight It's gonna be tonight I'm trying to introduce a song here, right? You got f***ed in my mouth And I said it was Tuesday Tonight It tastes like I'm trying to introduce a song here right you got f***ed in my mouth and I said it was Tuesday tonight it tastes like right I'm gonna f***ing kill you

Starting point is 01:26:09 no no don't hurt me don't you f***ing make me get up I'll f***ing have you tonight I'll stick a flipped cluster up your nutter ooh

Starting point is 01:26:18 tonight f***ing hell this is already way too long stop it right two things your envision is coming back this year. Aiming for a May

Starting point is 01:26:27 live show like we did two years ago, I believe it was now, for our last Your Envision. We're bringing it back. So if you're thinking about getting involved, listen to that past episode, listen to what got on the air, and see if that's your wheelhouse. And more details to come in the future.

Starting point is 01:26:43 How many Your Envision contests have we done on this show before? Two? We've done two. This will be our third. Well, more details to come in the future. How many Eurovision contests have we done on this show before? Two? We've done two. This will be our third. Well, perhaps you could put in the description for this episode the...

Starting point is 01:26:51 It's not time for anything to concrete yet. This is just me announcing. No, you should put what those episodes are, what numbers. Oh, I'll just put them as a hot link

Starting point is 01:26:57 in the description to you. So when you go on your podcast app and you find the information of this episode, scroll down past all the merch and stuff. I'll put a link into the past.

Starting point is 01:27:04 But basically, long story short, if you want to get involved start your brain going it's a song contest everyone that we do here on cheap show infrequently it's a song contest like eurovision but people who listen to our show some who don't who just want to make a funny song they send in the songs we judge them and you'll be champion of your envision there's been two previous winners yes and we're going to some we're gonna have some great celebrity guests voting again we're gonna do it live on twitch and youtube and yeah we're gonna do it on youtube as well it's going to be a big show ladies and gentlemen so please if you want to get involved start putting your musical hats on because uh more information will be coming very soon finally to end this week's episode rather than just play our

Starting point is 01:27:45 usual fucking outro theme lovingly made by brian wecht um we are playing out of this track because someone got in touch with me recently called frederick and frederick has a youtube channel called noiseland i'm going to put a link to that in our podcast description and on our website as well and he takes samples of like podcasts or TV shows and does a little remix and does a little thing. And he did one for us for Top Notch Western Romance,

Starting point is 01:28:11 which I shared on Twitter. Very good. But we want to have as many ears on this as possible. So tonight, playing us out, it's Noiseland with his track

Starting point is 01:28:19 Top Notch Western Romance. Yay! See you next week. See you everyone. Bye. See you next week on the show. See you, everyone. Bye. See you next week. Bye.

Starting point is 01:28:26 Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I took it to Berlin. I took it to France. It was a Top Notch Western Romance.

Starting point is 01:28:40 Old school computer, read out, read out. It was a Top-notch western romance Top-notch western romance The cold wall is making me dance Top-notch western romance I saw her on the Berlin Wall, she had her skirt on I looked up, I looked up, I looked up At my top-notch western romance. She spat in my face and said, do you like to dance?

Starting point is 01:29:31 It was a top-notch western romance. Top-notch western romance. The cold wall is making me dance. Top-notch Western romance I saw her on the Berlin Wall She had her skirts on I'm going to politely ask you to stop and move on. So, we have...

Starting point is 01:29:56 Top-notch Western romance The cold wall is making me dance Top-notch Western romance The cold wall is making me dance Top notch western romance I saw her on my birthday Whoa, she had a skirt on Top notch western romance The cold wall is making me dance Top notch western romance I saw her on the Berlin Wall

Starting point is 01:30:42 She had her skirts on

CheapShow - Ep 321: Sprayonnaise

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