CheapShow - Ep 323: Liquid Edition

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

After the excitement of last week’s live episode, Paul and Eli are feeling a little burnt out. To combat these blues, they decide to dive into a particularly liquid edition of the show. There’s a large assortment of items to guzzle and sup with hot sauces to endure, chutney to sample and a wide and unsettling range of soda drinks to investigate. Everything from Barratt’s candy based soft drinks to pineapple flavoured habanero sauce passes their lips… and don’t even get us started on whatever that cumin drink was all about! Along the way, there is also time for a couple of appallingly improvised songs and a visit to Dr Silverman. It goes about as badly as you expect. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-323-liquid-edition And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Oh, fifth time's the charm. Eighth time's the charm, ladies and gentlemen. We're having a real problem getting going this week. Now, I don't know about you, but let me just part the curtain somewhat of making a podcast. And some days you can't just be coming out on all cylinders, bam, bam, bam. Sometimes you've got to like spit in your hand and just grease it up a little bit. Coming out on all cylinders. Coming out on all cylinders, yes.

You've got to sometimes Coming out on all cylinders. Coming out on all cylinders, yes. You've got to sometimes come out on all cylinders. Even if you're a bit green behind the ears, you've got to come out behind the cylinders. So we are, as we're talking, warming up as we go. That's a good segue. Into? You said green behind the ears, which you said at the live show.

Yeah, when I was wet behind the ears. And we wanted to say, didn't we? What? To everyone who came to the live show. Well, we can save that for the proper bit at the beginning. This is just a cold open where we talk shit. And we wanted to say, didn't we? What? To everyone who came to the live show. Well, we can save that for the proper bit at the beginning. This is just the cold open where we talk shit

and then at some point... What are the rules of the cold open? I never know. It's like nightmare and I'm the one in the hood. Spellcasting, cold open,

C-U-N-T. Oh, fucking... I can't find it. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

No, we're not doing that yet. I don't know where... Stop getting ahead of the show. This is just a nice little bit where I wind you up until you snap and then I go to the credits. I've snapped, mate. I'm sapped. I'm sapped of all the energy. Where's my banjo string?

Where did I put my lousy? Where's me lousy band? Lousy band. He's got his own little nickname and he tries to say he's not obsessed. I've decided to lean into your imagined version of me that is obsessed with elastic bands. Well, there is under the table.

I've noticed something, Paul. It's not just that you're obsessed with elastic bands. You don't like them when they're out of place. Like they're lying around. They're just on the floor, mate. You don't like them on the floor. Just place. Like they're lying around. Just on the floor, mate. Just on the floor. What are you doing? What are you doing on the floor

leaving it like that? You must hate postmen with their red elastic bands that they leave shed everywhere. I follow them in the street and when I see one cast a lousy band, I grab it.

I grab it. And I don't say anything to them. No, I don't say anything to them. Then you go home. I just go and put a load of elastic bands around my cock until i knew it had to get into this somehow to blue and then it fucking drops off you go to hospital no i've ruptured my cock doc no again mr gannon yes oh yes i have i'll put some salve on it i'll get some salve out and I'll rub it down with some salve.

But it's not going to help because it's split. It's all split. Split like a fucking sausage in a pan. It's like a sausage someone's put in a vice. I'm Dr. Silverman. I hate myself. Dr. Silverman. But can you slide?

Why are you there? Why are you salving up the front? I'll do anything. Can you slap a bit round the back? I'll fucking get... I could do better than that. Hey, can I get something off you? Can you slap a bit around the back? I'll fucking get... I could do better than that. Hey, can I get something off you? Can you write me a prescription for something?

I think I have Poltis prescription. Okay, can I have a Poltis prescription from Dr. Silverman? Yes. Dr. Silverman. Let me see. Let me get the prescription for us. Now, Doctor,

I just want to show you my penis. I've been putting elastic bands around it for sexual pleasure, and I've... You've split your helmet. I've torn it. You've split your helmet, your torn it you've split your helmet your banjo strings

in tatters yeah it looks like one of those comedy exploding cigars and I needed to put some salve on it I'll do better listen listen

you've come to the right place yourselves yeah ointments oinkments creams creme squeegees can I have your best pig creme please Yeah. Ointments. Oinkments. Creams. Creme.

Squeegees. Can I have your best pig creme, please? I'll do you one better. Yeah. I'll give you a pig creme poultice. Oh, pig pen. Pig creme poultice. Pig creme poultice comes round here. Stop saying come round here.

I'm going to put a ban on you. Every time now you say come round here, I want a quid. And I'm going to start marking it up. All right, fine. You take it off the fee. You're lucky that I'm getting rid of the 17 different starts we've given this podcast. Because otherwise, you'd be 17 quid in the hole already. I'm only judging it from where we go live.

17 quid in my hole? Dr. Silverman, stick your poultice on me. All right, I've got to fucking get the lousy bands. And I'm going to... Yeah, there we go. It's going to be... It's fucking... Get the tension really nice.

And the poultice's slapping on! Slap right on, you bare bum bum! I don't like myself for what I've become. I'll see you next week, Doctor, for more of the same. Bye! That'll fucking do. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Fucking accent. Tee show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off.

Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Tee show. It's the price of shade. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. It's that weekday time, day of the week time, Cheap Show daytime week show time for you, the listener, to have some Cheap Show action in you. Cheap Show Daytime Week Show time for you, the listener, to have some Cheap Show action in you.

Cheap Show time. I don't know when you listen. I don't know how you listen. But thank you for listening to Cheap Show. It's Cheap Show time. Whenever you listen, it's Cheap Show time. Cheap Show o'clock. Yeah, it's like Margaritaville or whatever it is, that song.

It's always Margarita time or something, isn't it? What is it? I don't know what you're on about. Moving on. In that case, yeah, hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast where I, Paul, Michael Gannon, and Eli Jacob Silverman go through the bargain mines, the charity shops, the pound lands, and beyond

to bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. And this week, whoa, buddy how, it's sources of courses and drinks till we stink. What are you doing? I'm waiting for you to stop talking. Yeah, but I just looked at you then, and you had this severe sense of... Despondency. Despondency and, like, a moment of real clarity of who you are and where you are in life.

Well, sometimes that happens, Paul, you know. Sometimes, you know, you think think how have I come this far where am I going it's that post nut clarity isn't it post nut clarity yeah

is that after you wank and you go oh oh who am I what have I done what am I up to yeah but that's almost

like a physical thing with me sometimes what just after I don't know why we're getting like this may as well fuck it just after you ejaculate.

Yeah, that moment of, oh. But that's almost like a feeling in my stomach, like a lurching sort of, do you ever get that? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then afterwards, you feel despondent and empty and disinterested. I don't, I generally feel better.

No, I don't. I feel bad about myself. It's an endorphin release. Is it? I feel better. Why do you have a dolphin? Why do you have to release a dolphin after you cum?

Because I fucking fantasize about fucking a dolphin in this blowhole. Do you? That's a dolphin release. Is it? I feel better. Why do you have a dolphin? Why do you have to release a dolphin after you come? Because I fucking fantasise about fucking a dolphin in this blowhole. Do you? That's a new one. And also, fucking... Eli's hungover again this week. Did you realise? What? Could you spot it?

What? You're hungover and tired and old and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and the same old shit every week. At this point, Eli, save it for when you're not and surprise us all with a, Hello, I'm tippity-top Eli this week. I am tippity-top. You're not.

I'm a professional. You're not a professional. Why is this all about me? Give me something. All right, I'll give you something. I'll come in, yeah? I'll come in and I'll do a thing. All right?

All right. God, he's going to do something. Vargo. Vargo. Vargo. You sat down, pleased as punch with yourself, stared me in the eye and just said Vargo. Is that something? It's something. It's a start.

Do you know there's proper podcasts out there? But by now I've already listed... No proper podcasts! Show me them! Paul, it behoves me now to ask you, at this juncture, what have we got coming up on the show today? Coming up on the show today, we have something Eli will enjoy. A little bit of a source report with, I believe, a crispy addendum. It's got a very crispy addendum.

Not that it's a crisp, I was just saying a nice fun addendum. A fun addendum. A fun addendum. Fun addendum. Fun addendum. A fun-a-dendum. A fun-a-dendum. A fun-a-ged-um. Fun-a-dendum. Fun-a-dendum. Fun-a-dendum. Can we move on from just staring at each other saying fun-a-dendum?

Yes. No, a new sub-segment of the Source Report. It's a very exciting time. That's a normal Source Report. It's very exciting. We've got the classics. We've got innovation. It's always moving forward.

We're always looking for the new Source story. Always innovating. we're innovating the format of source based reporting yeah Paul ever changing ever changing

world of sources evergreen source landscapes yes and we move through the landscape we taste a source we look over there on the grid

oh beep beep beep source source blingy blong honing in on the source new source noise mouth noise mouth noise happens and then on the grid oh sauce sauce honing in on the sauce new sauce and the noise

mouth noise mouth noise happens and then and then I'm like flying over the grid it's the landscape of virtual sauces this is slowly turning

into a Michael Winslow appreciation podcast alright and then we're also having a super bumper juice segment. What's the fucking show called?

Soda Jerk. Soda Jerk. And I think he's already, I've seen him. He's parked around, I know. When I was formulating that Vargo bit that I did, which took, you know, some thinking about, I told you. I'm going to guess not much thinking about. It took a lot of thinking about and a lot of consideration

of what is the most funny thing to say in that moment. But he's out there, Juicy Jeremy's out there, Paul. He's got his basket. He's got his jalopy as in he's ready to go. His jalopy's out the window, yeah. He looked very greasy. Do you know Vargo is a company that makes titanium outdoor kits for campers?

I'm doing stealth marketing for them. Oh, it's also an electronic music band composed of producer Ansgard Uffink and vocalist Stephanie Huntermach. It's also pipes. Yeah.

It's also a backpack. Is it? God, it's a lot of things, isn't it? It's a lot of things, is it, Vargo? It must have just, it must have been in my mind.

A lighter kit and bellows. That's for camping as well, so you can light a fire and then blow it. But could you, could you blow something up someone's arse? Yes. Yes so you can light a fire and then blow it. But could you could you blow something up someone's arse? Yes.

Yes you can. Eli. Yes you can. If you want to there's a load of ways you can blow something up someone's arse. But would that hurt you?

Depends on what you're using. No just for bellows just normal pumping air into your butt. I think if I took a pair of bellows and I inserted the nozzle into your anus

extended the bellows as full as possible and then closed them rapidly... That would probably hurt. I think what would probably happen is your anal cavity would fill up with a little bit of air, but the overall pressure difference would mean the thing would pop out and it would just empty outside of your arse. You don't think... Like you do on a Saturday night, Eli.

But when you're sucking it in, when you're opening the bellows... Yeah, when you're spreading the bellows wide. Yeah. Isn't that going to suck? Isn't that going to prolapse your whole lower rectum or the trick there if you don't mind me saying is to make sure you don't do that when you're inside the anal cavity i would bring the bellows wide ah and then insert well that's not that wasn't clear from what you said i know and i'd like to make sure anyone listening if they do want to do this this weekend please remember to uh extend the bellows outside of the anal cavity

before you insert it in and then bring the thunder. Bring the thunder. I'm always excited when I hear stories about people dying from putting booze into their arse. What do you mean excited? No, in fact, that wasn't the word. I'm going to stop this podcast. I'm just saying.

I'm always interested. Before we go any further, just wanted to say, last week was our big show at the Leicester Comedy Festival. Packed house. Everyone loved it. It was great to see everyone after the show.

Thank you for all the free goodies, the albums, the price of shites, the bobble hats, the everything. The everything we were given. I've got my invisible Bilbo figure. You've got your invisible Bilbo. I've got all those looking annuals and things. We had such a...

Monty Python flexi. I mean, we haven't got time to go through it all now, but we had a load of stuff. And over the coming weeks, we're going to spread that out. We're going to spread all those goodies out because we've still got, mate, a bit of a backlog from PO boxes. And rather than make it a price of shite every week, we're going to spread that out. We're going to spread all those goodies out because we've still got made a bit of a backlog from P.O. Boxers

and rather than make it a price of shite every week we're going to spread it out. Although we got given a bespoke price of shite as well didn't we? Yeah. So this is why this week

is a very liquid edition. It's a liquid edition episode of the podcast. Tell you where there's a liquid edition. Yeah. In my ass. And now at number one on top of the pops it's Liquid Edition

Oh baby do you women in my party Women in my party going for the party coming at my arsehole it's a squitty squitty party Oh squitty squitty Oh squitty squitty, squitty party. Ooh, squitty, squitty. Ooh, squitty,

squitty. Ooh, liquid puddle on the squitty, squitty, squitty. Come round here. Two quid you owe me now. Two quid you owe me. Oh, liquid edition with my spunky hole. Oh, liquid edition. Oh, I've got nothing this week.

You've got nothing every fucking week. It's the same shit. I sometimes have things. Do you? Yeah. I sometimes do have things. Beg to differ. Anyway, the live show was really good, everyone.

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for coming. It was great meeting everyone afterwards. I said all of this fucking listen to the show. But they want to hear it from me, Paul. Do they? They want to hear it from me. Do they? So I'm not being funny this week.

And I apologise. There's not going'm not being funny this week and i apologize there's not going to be any judging by your output that'll pass 15 minutes i can safely say you're adhering to your own statements right now so yes no good being very funny or attractive you're not being very attractive i'm not trying to be attractive i'm not trying to turn you on why not you should every week is the same though you look like shit. Come on. Tart yourself up. Yeah. I'm not tarting myself up for you. Come dress to work. I've got a work shirt on. Dress for the job you want.

Today, you're dressed like a despot. You've got your little military green... Short and stout. Yeah, we did that. That gag of it didn't work out. So we had to delete it and move swiftly on. Fuck my life. I hate this job.

I've got a gun and I've got a cigar and it's burst like one of those jokes shot once and you're not. I said that at the beginning of the show. Now you're confusing

the stuff we've edited out with the stuff. I wish we could get into the fucking show. Let's just do the fucking show then. But I was just going to say one little

brief more thing in that if you want to see more live Cheap Show-esque action, we will be part of digitized action. Action. All I'm saying is if you want more Cheap Show-esque action, we will be part of Digitizer's... Ass action. Ass action.

All I'm saying is, if you want more Cheap Show action, you can get it, because Digitizer Live is happening this year. Details on the Digitizer website. If you go to MrBiffo's Twitter account, you can get the information there. But also on our website,

we've put a link now to tickets for the Digitizer Live show. It's happening. It's a two-day event at the Harrow Arts Centre, which seems to be our kind of cultural home for live shows. Well, it's a nice big venue, isn't it? Yeah. So we're going to be there.

If you want to see cheap... Well, it's mostly Digitizer, but me and you are going to be in it. We'll be in it. We'll be in it. In fact, it is Digitizer. I don't know why I'm saying it's an also type thing. It's not.

There's not going to be a cheap show segment. There's no segment. We're just going to be there to support the Digitizer brand. Brand. So you can meet us there as well. Get involved. And the shows are always fun, always different. And you're going to have a crazy good time.

So go to our website or keep an eye on social media, but effectively get your tickets while you can. They'll be going soon, quickly. Okay, good, Paul. That's all the admin done now. We can just skip on. News for me. I've got a bit of admin.

Have you? Go on. Fuck off. This segment's over now. You've blown it. Did you have Jenny with genuine news? admin yeah go on fuck off this segments over now all right blown it fuck did you have Jenny with genuine news we're just trying to think of something witty like Vargas to

say I wanted to say Vargo again Vargo like that I just be so lame if I just said Vargo again yeah what is that like a Transylvanian Coen Brothers movie and Vargo come with me my dear Sylvainian Coen Brothers movie. And Vargo. Come with me, my dear,

to the land of my dick. Come with me, my dear, to the land of my dick. Look, ups and downs with this podcast, right? Week to week, you don't know what you're going. I mean, this is the worst thing we've ever done. I think we can both agree that maybe this podcast, right? Week to week, you don't know what you're going. I mean, this is the worst thing we've ever done. I think we can both agree

that maybe this week, maybe this week, we're not quite in the zone. But hey, let's roll the dice. Let's see what happens. Let's get right into it. Okay. So let's roll up our sleeves.

My sleeves are already rolled up. And I don't have them. So let's crack on. Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, it's time for the Source Report With your very own favourite

Source maestro, Eli Silverman Ladies and gentlemen, welcome him onto the stage Hello everybody I love you Eli I love you too I love your sources I know. Thank you. Give me your bum.

Sauce report. Hello, port. Oh, baby. It's the fucking Sauce Report. Shut up. That wasn't a good intro for the Sauce Report because the Sauce Report is meant to be a very serious news segment here on Cheap Show.

What's the segment called? What do you like to do? You put it in the cup or you put it on your spoon You open up the lid You pour it on your spoon It's the Sousa Report How about that?

No! As funny as I find songs based on Joe Dolce's Shut Up At Your Face Yeah Always Yeah, always

Flasher, your vag your face. Yeah. Always. Yeah, always. Flash at your vag. A sprat at your vag. I'll plop on your clunge. A shat in your face. Now, what's the matter with you?

Why are you looking so mad? All I did was open up my arse and scat in your face. It's not a problem if I do a poo. I've just shat in your face. What a great load of content we're delivering this week. I need a poo. I've gone to the loo.

Don't fucking lean into it, mate. I've come round here and I've shat in your face. I don't know what to do with myself. I have shat myself. I have come in here. I can see your face. It is dark in here. I have no place.

I am very sad. What's going on? I'm very sad. Oh, I fucking hate myself. I don't know. Paul? Yeah? I feel that we need to bring a little... Bit. A little end...

I need to foreshorten... Your little end. You need to foreshorten your little end. I need to foreshorten our rivildry and buildedry and ripostery. Yeah. And stop the funny stuff because it's time for the serious business. It is serious.

Now, you have got four items today, haven't you? Four items, but I've got the special... We're going to end this with a special sub-segment of the Source Report. Something that we've been building up to for years, we could say. Yeah.

It's very important. We'll get to that. But first, we have three hot sources, two of which Yeah Were gifted to me By a kind person Do you remember who that was?

No Well done Don't look at me You never remember Anyone's name Yeah but that's my excuse Full stop I can't remember

The person's name But thank you very much For this hot sauce Do you know What they look like? I can't remember You can't remember. I started drinking right after the show.

I started drinking. Pathetic. I needed a poo as well. Remember? Did I say about that? We spent most of the day before the show focused on where we can find for you to go to drop your guts. I went to the Pret-a-Manger and it was one of those sort of disabled. No, it was Nero, wasn't it? It was Nero. Well remembered.

And as soon as it hit the water... Hit the pan. I thought, I'm actually going to get ejected from Leicester for this. There's going to be an incident in this Nero. They're going to have to evacuate the Nero. But luckily it died down.

The smell of my shit died died down great ongoing content it's i issue content out my bum yeah no in fact in many respects this podcast has become very similar to your drastic anal exclusions so thank you whoever gave me these hot sauces they were the ones you remember, they had loads of rubber bands around them? Yes. Do you remember giving Eli sauces with rubber bands on? Good. He forgot you.

And he said, it was a guy. He forgot you. It was a guy, I think. And he said, rubber bands for you, Paul. So they are for you. I don't really have a thing about rubber bands. You fucking do. And sauces for me. And I bring the sauce to you for us to taste today

on The Sauce Report. So where do you want to start? Heartbeat Pineapple Habanero or... Ow! I'm giving you my elastic band, aren't I? Told you, threats of violence come true. You've hurt me. You've hurt my nipple.

But you said... You've slashed my nipple with your elastic band. Yeah, but that was just because I wanted to give you my elastic band. You've lacerated nipple elastic band. Mi casa su casa, innit? Mi casa su casa, innit? Me cassa, Sue cassa, innit? Me lassy, you lassy. Ooh, lassy, lassy.

Ooh, lassy, lassy. Ooh, lassy, lassy. Walking down the street. Ooh, lassy, lassy. Oh, you're so sweet. Ooh, my lassy, lassy. You're my elastic band. When in doubt, Eli sing.

Oh, lousy, lousy. I love it when you twang it. Oh, lousy, lousy. I twang you all night long. Oh, yeah. Elastic band. Wait, I want to sing a little bit more. I like this.

He likes the tension of a band. Likes to feel it in his hand. He likes to stretch it nice and wide and see what's inside. It is lousy, lousy. Ooh, lousy, lousy band. It is lousy, lousy. Ooh, lousy, lousy. I like to twang the end of my knob in the middle of the night.

It makes me go off. Ooh, spunky, spunky. Ooh. And that's where we will draw a veil over that song. Paul, I have in my hand two sauce spoons. Peace in our time, everyone. And we're going to taste. I think we should go.

Give me the spoon direct. The harbour. This is that. This is the first. What are you doing? Just pick a sauce. Right. Right.

We're going with that one. What's that one? This is small batch fermenters, so fermented. It's a good sign with hot sauce. If it's fermented? Yeah. Okay. Because essentially what makes the big brand hot sauces taste different from each other

is their fermentation process. Tabasco as opposed to like Crystal or something like that. So you're presuming there that Tabasco is a fermented one. It is. There's always some amount of fermentation. Okay. You know. I guess it's like aging a wine or a scotch or something like that.

Exactly. Exactly like that. It's funny, isn't it? You didn't, and pickles are essentially fermented. True. Chorizo sausage is a fermented meat. That's what gives it that that it's a kind of tang yeah yeah so fermentation has been essential to human just to culture pun intended because you

get cultures of bacteria i just didn't like it so i didn't react now heartbeat is the brand heartbeat hot sauce quite a nice uh heartbeat why do you sting when i put it on my spoon uh this is um a nice plastic uh what would you call that canteen style bottle oh yeah it's got that kind of weird spout isn't it um it's like a sriracha yeah oh yeah yeah yeah just imagine sriracha but in a brown i mean there's going to be pictures on our website yes but it is a sriracha style nozzle where you twist... I mean, there's going to be pictures on our website. Yes, but it is a Sriracha-style nozzle where you twist it and you can administer. And this particular sauce, Paul...

Twist and spout. Yes. Well done. Thank you. That could be wanking, couldn't it? Pun intended. Vargos. Lazy band.

Lazy, lazy. Oh, don't give me started. Lazy, lazy Oh, don't give me style Oh, lazy, lazy I'm walking down the street And you're twanging my hand Oh, lazy, lazy Oh, lazy Oh, a lazy band

Right, okay, stop Stop that I wrap it round my cock And hide it with a sock Lazy, lazy Lazy, lazy Lazy, lazy Lazy band

Now, this is from Ontario in Canada. Now, are you ready to taste this sauce? Yes. Oh, we dribble, dribble. It's nice yellow, quite nice. It's not too watery. It's a bit on the thinner side, but it's not totally. You know what I mean?

It's quite good consistency. Very vinegary on the nose. What kind of hot sauce is it? Pineapple habanero. I didn't know you could even do that with pineapple. Well, they complement. It's got quite a nice smell. Pineapple, yellow, peppers, onion, distilled vinegar, habanero, cane sugar, lime juice,

kosher salt. That's all you need. All right. Let's have a go. It is very sweet. That's nice. What would you have that with? Like pork?

Oh, yeah. Okay. You know what I mean? Chops and things. Yeah. Wouldn't that be nice? I think that's really nice. You know what's interesting about it is that up front, it's quite kind of thin and sweet,

but then it does leave a nice heat afterwards. It's got a really lovely... Those flavours go together. The pineapple and the habanero are close, but they really complement each other. Made with sleeping giant beaver duck session IPA. What does that mean? What's beaver duck? It's probably just a brand of IPA.

So there's beer in that as well. It just says made with sleeping giant beaver duck session IPA. But it doesn't have that in the ingredients bit at the end. Oh, no, it says malted barley, yeast, hops, water. So yeah, there's ale in here. There's ale in there as well. How funny.

Is that common? No. I've never heard of that before. It is quite... What would be the benefit of that? It gives it that sort of... This says over medium towards hot,

but not super hot. Would you agree with that? Yeah. I mean, it's got some kick, but it's not killing me. No, it's not. It's exactly what you'd want, really, from a hot sauce.

Definitely. It's nice. It's got that nice, fresh burst of that sweetness and then the heat, that heat behind it. Really good sauce. The aftertaste is, I think,

quite an important part of it because the aftertaste, I think, makes you appreciate it when you go in for another bite or whatever. It's a nice, it's a nice sort of refreshing almost finish. Yeah. Overall so all right out of five i'll go i'll go i'd give that like a minus all right cool i would probably give it out of five i'd probably give it about a

75 that's good sauce that's good good strong opening to the sauce report I'm not a huge fan of it but it's not reportive it's not off portage it's got a nice aftertaste why wouldn't you choose that as a sort of hot sauce

your daily sauce put it that way I think I like my hot sauces to be saltier no like deeper in flavour like rougher

I can't explain it like richer not meatier yeah no richer more full body that's quite light it's quite light and sort of zingy and refreshing fine i just have a personal preference i like mine kind of a bit more charcoal yeah a bit more body maybe some smoke a little bit of smoke there's not a night there's not smoke in that is it it's very much on the sort of juicy

light and you can kind of get the ipa because ipa has kind of got that sweet, yeasty high note. Yeah. Which is... Dr. Silverman's got a poultice for that. Yeah. Hello, doctor. I've got a yeasty high note. Oh, I'll go out your prescription. I'll prescribe you a hot poultice. Now, I think we should...

I don't think we should go for this because I think this is the hottest. This Vampire Slayer, which is the other source... Let's go for the hot sauce there then. We'll come back to Vampire Slayer. We don't want to ruin ourselves. Now, what's this just a generic brand innit

yes but I've been looking for Mother's Best ladies choice meets Mother's Best readers wives ladies choice readers wives hot sauce pass your spoon we'll have some of this mother's best now.

There's nothing special about it. It's just hot sauce. It's standard hot sauce. And I went to Long... I can do it. It's quick if you want to do it. Okay, sorry. I went to Long Dan Oriental Grocers, I think they call themselves.

These were... Oh, there's tomatoes on the front of that. Two for one, these were. All right, nice. So there was two for two quid. There's not much of a smell on this, but what the smell is, is kind of synthetic. It almost smells like kind of wood glue. It does.

This is thicker than a... It is thicker. It's thicker. Give that a sniff. Do you think its consistency is better? Do you get like a kind of weird chemical-y thing on that? No, it's sort of that... It's sort of like a cardboard-y...

Yeah, weird. It's a cardboard-y kind of smell. Weird. Anyway, down the hatch. Oh, no. It's a cardboardy kind of smell. Weird. Anyway, down the hatch. Oh, no. No. No! Fucking hell, God.

Oh, that's one of the worst things I've ever had. It's not... You know, it's like repulsive, but it's wrong. It's too vinegary, but also... There's no flavour. There's no flavour. It's just vinegar here, and then there's a sort of... The heat comes, and there's nothing in between.

No, but I can taste chemicals that cardboardy that cardboardy plastic plasticky plastic storage box flavour no wonder they're trying to get rid of it

that's fucking terrible I mean it's got a bit of heat to it but then you can give heat to any old fucking shit so that's not really a mark of quality that's not good

I can't imagine wanting to use that on anything oh that's an affront to my taste buds. It's not good. It's not good. Oh, one. One out of 18.

I don't like that. That's just got nothing to it. It's just... What a load of shit. Yeah. It's just similar heat level to our first sauce. No, that's hotter, I'd say. You'd say hotter?

I would say much hotter, but what that doesn't have is any flavour or redeeming quality. I mean, it makes the Habanero pineapple look like champagne, doesn't it? Well, no, this is still a good brand. It's not my personal favourite. It's a good sauce.

It's a nice sauce. That is not... Mother's best is not anyone's best. It ain't Mother's best. If that's your mother's best, you need a new mum. It's more like your grandmother's best. It's more like your granny's fucking drawer.

Here we go. How long does it take then to get from that sauce to fanny? I'm going straight for granny's fanny. Excuse me, nan. I'm right in. Hello, darling. Oh, you're back again, Eli. I've come to rifle through your knicker drawer and see if there's any crispy bits.

I haven't crossed my legs since you were last here. Oh, come on. I'm not... I don't want to... Oh, I can't. Let's not do this scenario. What? Tell you what we'd do, scenario. Your cranny character. Yeah? Oh, hello, dear. Comes to see Dr Silverman. Oh, Dr Silverman. Hello, come in.

I've had a problem lately. Oh, yeah. Is it your fucking downstairs area? No. Is it all crispy? It's me upstairs. Here, I'll get the cheese grater. No, it's me upstairs. No, I'm having a salad later. I want some yeast. It's upstairs. I want some fucking yeasty bits

for me salad. Not this week. Oh. I've got a, basically my nipples are lactating. Crispy nipples. They're lactating a kind of green egg yolk

kind of consistency. And it makes me smell, it makes me smell terrible. It makes me smell like an old vegetable box in the freezer. Say no more. You know what I mean? Say no more, Granny Gannon. And if I just squeeze my breast a little bit,

you see how it comes out yellow and then green and then there's a little bit of brown streakage in there? Yeah? Lick it. Lick it, Doctor. Shut up, Granny. I'm writing you a prescription. Is it for love? No. Nick it, doctor. Shut up, granny. Oh, lick it. I'm writing you a prescription.

Is it for love? No. Nipple poultices. Oh, I don't know. You just put them in your bra. Hey, Eli, don't like this. Move on. Let's move on. Right, come on, next.

Vampire Slayer. Hey! Nice. So, Vampire Slayer suggests to me devilish. No, it's called that because this is a sauce that is produced by a place called the Garlic Farm. And it's a garlic hot sauce. Yeah. So garlic is Vampire Slayer, isn't it?

True. So clever. Clever. Bit gimmicky. Yeah, but hot sauces are always like that these days. This is seriously hot, it says. And it has four X's. So I don't know what the Scovilles are but this is actually

Right. What's its main ingredient in that? Like with that one's pineapple and stuff. Is that what anything particular hanging off it as a selling point? Garlic. No. At least it doesn't have... So it seems garlic is its main thing. No. It's got lots of different

lots of ingredients actually and I see what... I'll read this blurb that they say. Oh, here we go. Vampire Slayer. Intense heat combined with Indian chilli provide the power, whilst the blend of herbs and lime juice add a real depth of flavour. So there are a lot of ingredients. They've really gone for something here.

So I'm interested. Give it to me. Put it on my spoon. Oh, I'm getting very, almost like, you know what? It smells like pizza. It smells like margarita sauce, pizza sauce. Oh yeah, it does. You're right.

Oh, I don't mind that. It's that oregano sort of smell and the tomato-iness. I think this has tomato, this actually has tomato in as well. It does have a pizza paste kind of feel. It's because of the oregano, isn't it? Or sage or that sort of herb mix. I'm going in. The consistency is much more closer to...

It's all right. It's the hottest we've had. It's very similar to the habanero thing we had, the pineapple. Oh, very sweet on the top, yeah. And then heavy with the heat at the back. I quite like it. That would be good on a pizza, wouldn't it? For dipping.

Yeah. For the crust, yeah. I would go with that. Nice the back. I quite like it. That would be good on a pizza, wouldn't it? For dipping. Yeah. For the crust, yeah. I would go with that. Nice. Oh, that's all right. I would put it about the same as the heartbeat, frankly. I think it's got more body,

so it's got more than what you're looking for. It's got more of a bit of a rounder than the Habanero. Don't you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, both of those, fine. I'm happy with that one.

They're both good. We've sandwiched a shit one in between two good ones. Yeah, that is terrible. That mother's best. That sauce has with that one. They're both good. We've sandwiched a shit one in between two good ones. Yeah, that is terrible. That mother's best. That sauce has hit a particular part of my throat, which is agitating because it's got a deep heat.

That has got a deep heat to it. Oh, rough and tumble in my mouth. Yeah, well, Paul, should we have a little break before we get on to the chutney? Yeah, because it's a chutney update coming to you live in a moment. In a moment. We interrupt this program to bring you a Chutney update. I'm just doing whatever the fuck I like now.

Chutney update up your arse. Chutney update up your arse. Want some Chutney? Want some fun? Chutney update up your arse. Chutney poultice. Chutney poultice. Chutney. Chutney. Chutney poultice. Chutney poultice. Chutney poultice. Slap it on. Chutney poult up your ass. Want some chutney? Want some fun? Chutney up they up your ass. Chutney poultice, chutney poultice, chutney chutney chutney poultice, chutney poultice, slap it on.

Chutney poultice, I've gone wrong. Chutney poultice in my bum. Chutney poultice out my bum. Chutney poultice on my forehead. Come round here, come round here. That's now four pounds you owe me. Now, Paul, the thing is, the issue I have with you calling this chutney update is we never done chutney.

We've mentioned chutney. We must have done fucking chutneys on... We've never tasted a chutney. We have never tasted... We must have. We have never... Boffins, figure that out. We have never...

I'm sure we've done a chutney on the show. We've never done chutney. Have you been to me, but I've never been to chutney? Oh, I've never been to chutneyville. I want to introduce

a new sub-segment of the Sauce Report, Paul. Yeah. A little thing I like to call the chutneyville. I want to introduce a new sub-segment of the Source Report, Paul. A little thing I like to call the Chuckney Update. No. Diddly-lee-lee. Not the diddly-lee-lee. I like it. Classic Condiment Corner. Classic Condiment Corner.

Diddly-lee-lee. Diddly-lee-lee. This is a sub-section of the Source Report where myself, Eli Silverman, and my valued friend and co-presenter, Paul Gannon. And the Chutney Owl. Put the Chutney on my beak. I will. I have a talent for Chutney.

Chutney. Paul. He's Chokney. Paul. He's doing an owl. I'm doing head gestures. You're doing head. You're giving head. I'm giving head gestures. Paul.

This is a serious part of the... Paul's not here. It's the Chokney owl. Hey, Chokney owl. Do you say anything? Do you speak English? Yes. You do.

Woo-hoo. Do-it-do-woo. Do-oo. Do- you speak English? Yes. You do. What could you... It's Greenfinger's reference, that. Go on. What? The Chutney Owl's voice has changed. It's like, you know, Basil Brush and the Mr. Silverman kind of thing. What do you mean?

There was like the puppet show and it was like, oh, I'm Basil Brush. Oh, Mr. Thing. And he used to call the presenter, the human being, Mr. Whatever. I'll be the Chuckney Owl and you'll be Mr. Silverman. Oh, Mr. Silverman, tell me about your Chuckney. I just think this segment needs a character. So I want to be the Chuckney Owl. I'll start again.

Yeah. Hello, everyone. I'm Mr. Silverman. I just realised the word Chuckney means nothing in my mouth anymore. It means nothing in your mouth. Yeah, just like I say it and it doesn't sound like I'm saying the right word. Chuck'm Mr. Silk. I just realised the word chutney means nothing in my mouth anymore. It means nothing in your mouth. Yeah, just like I say it, and it doesn't sound like I'm saying the right word. Chutney.

Chutney. Listen, if there's one thing you can say about the word chutney, it's a funny-sounding word, isn't it? Evergreen. It is a funny word. There's something about that. It's the frictive. It's the hard frictive.

The chutney. It's the uh bit, isn't it? Yeah. It's got, you know. It's a calm sound, isn't it? Yeah. It's got, you know. It's a calm sound, isn't it? Chutney! So here we go. Introduce it and say, I'm with my good friend, the Chutney Owl.

Okay. Hello, everyone. I'm Mr. Silverman. Welcome to Classic Condiment Corner. What? So funny. I'm just enjoying this. Hello, everyone.

I'm Mr. Silverman. Welcome to Classic Condiment Corner. And, oh, I'm just waiting for my friend who knows a lot about chutney. And we'll just look around and see if our friend's arriving. Oh, here's... Mr Silverman! Hello chutney. Is it chutney time?

It's chutney time again. I'm just going to land on this branch. Land. Now, what have you been up to, chutney Al? He says he's been all over Great Britain sampling chutneys.

And we've got a lovely chutney for you to taste today. I'm going to put a little bit on your beak. Okay. Now, the chutney we're going to be tasting is a traditional, what I'd call an Anglo chutney, because I did a little bit of research. I like this when you're the owl, because it just means you don't say anything.

It's good. Just make some noises. Now, wanker. I did a bit of research, Wikipedia, of course, about chutney. Chutney is an Indian, subcontinental word. They've got it, and it comes from several of those languages from that part of the world, like Urdu. There's an Urdu version of the word.

There's a Bengali version of the word. But it definitely, and it came to Britain, of course, from the colonial past in that part of the world. And basically, it started to be Cross and Blackwell, I think, started to manufacture it in the early 1800s. Whee! Whee! I think the owl's seen a mouse or something and needs to fuck off.

Look, there's a mouse. It's a chutney-flavoured mouse. Woo-hoo! And so it started being manufactured in Britain by Cross and Blackwell, I believe. And Cross and Blackwell do like a Branston pickle, don't they? They don't eat Branston pickle, but they do a... Woo-hoo! They do a...

I wish Paul was here to agree with me about sauces. Well, he's not. And chutney can be a huge variety of different types of condiments. Throughout, you can have, like... Eli, I think the chutney owl's getting bored. Well, he shouldn't, because he's into

chutney. He should like when I talk about chutney. Ooh! So... LAUGHTER A very closely related Chutney. She'd like when I talk about chutney. So, it's very closely related to a pickle, Paul. A pickle. Pickles, yeah. Chutneys are very closely related to pickles. In fact, in India,

basically the big difference between an Anglo chutney and like a chutney from India or the subcontinent is that they use mustard oil to preserve. Right. Whereas we are much more heavily into vinegar in Britain. So a chutney will use vinegar to preserve the autumn fruits that they traditionally put into chutneys. use vinegar to preserve the autumn fruits that they traditionally put into chutneys. Ooh. So, before we go on to taste the chutney, I'd like Paul to come back if we can.

Ooh. No. Right. Well, can I ask you, as someone who knows Paul Gannon very well, Chutney Al, what are Paul's thoughts about chutney? Ooh. You don't know? Ooh. No, you don't know. Ooh Owl. What are Paul's thoughts about Chutney?

You don't know? No, you don't know. What's that? Paul's down a well. Paul needs rescuing down a well. He's fallen down a well. Two miles that, northeast of here. No, he's saying get on with it, you fucking prick. Get on with it. Get on with it.

Get on with it. Do you have no interest in chutneys? I don't, but the Chutney Owl does. But even he's getting fucking bored. I want a bit of chutney background from you. I don't have any. You've never eaten chutney? No.

You've never eaten chutney? I don't know. You've gone from saying we did it on the show before to now I've never had any chutney in my life. I don't care. What do you think chutney tastes like like like hp sauce but with bits oh funny you should say that because this brand that we're going to taste today paul uh is mrs hs balls original recipe chutney and i thought they missed a trick there by not calling it hp balls because

then it has to be like hp sauce. I think there's probably some crossover between HP sauce and chutney. Cross and black well over. Now I'm going to pop this. This is a nice, sturdy hexagonal bottle and it's got a nice sort of old-timey yellow

label. You can see photos on the website, everyone. And I'm going to say this is probably there are chunks in there and it's got a gloopy consistency. I can see photos on the website, everyone. And I'm going to say this is probably... There are chunks in there, and it's got a gloopy consistency. I can see chunks. It's brown chutney, everyone. Now, I'm hoping for a nice tangy nose with vinegar notes, but also a deep sweetness, a sort of stewed fruit sweetness as well. Oh, you heard it pop there. It's fresh.

Oh, it smells like jam. It does smell like jam, doesn't it? Now put some on your spoon, little owl, with your beak or whatever. Talons. Vargo Talons. I'm Vargo Talons and my wallet is very moist and open.

The owl is tasting the chutney, everyone. Look, you've just got an excuse not to take part. What now? The owl has made a face. But I want Paul to come back through. What did you think of the chutney, Paul? It doesn't taste very chutney-like. What does it taste of? Jam? Like a sweet jam, almost, yeah.

There's not a lot of vinegar notes? Let me see. No, not a lot of vinegar notes at all. Weird. Would it be nice, though, with some cheese or something? Or in a sandwich? Like, it's not bad. You prefer a pickle, like a Branston pickle? Yeah, I would, really.

It's in that same ballpark, isn't it? What is it too... It's just too sweet for me. I know what you mean. There's no depth. There's no depth of flavor there it just is it just it tastes like sort of tastes like jam doesn't it yeah like a cheap if someone blindfolded you and fed you this chutney in the middle of the night it wouldn't have to be the middle of the night but i like to picture it um someone ties you up blindfolds you and um

administers chutney and says what was that you? You'd say jam. If someone said this is strawberry jam, do you see what I mean? Overwhelmingly just sort of a syrupy nothing. It's just too sweet. It's like a syrup almost. And this is maybe a famous brand of chutney? Very underpowered. I guess it depends on what you want from a chutney.

Maybe that's what someone wants from a chutney. That's all they know. I think that'd be nice. But I mean, you know, like mango, you get in Indian restaurants, that mango chutney. It's like that, isn't it? Very sweet. But mango chutney is still, to me, a chutney, that's all they know. I think that'd be nice but I mean, you know like mango, you get in Indian restaurants, that mango chutney, it's like that isn't it? Very sweet. But mango chutney is still to me a chutney. It still gives you the element of a chutney you want. This is just

very, very tame, isn't it? It needs to amp up, Mrs Balls needs to amp up her spices basically and lower the sugar. Spice up your balls. Spice up your balls chutney Mrs. Right, fuck off. Yeah, what's that?

Chutney owl? Woo-hoo. You've got to go home to Chutneyville. Woo-hoo. He doesn't live in Chutneyville. And live in your chutney tree. Woo-hoo. And what's that?

Woo-hoo. Oh, you've got a special delivery system. No, he's not saying it. That you drop things down. And what's that? Woo-hoo. He has a chutney pipe that he likes to fling things off. I'll just stand here with my mouth open then

and let the bird shit in my mouth. Delicious. That's good luck, that is. That means you're going to it's 30 days of chutney. A crunchy chutney pellet off the mouse. He's off now.

He's flying away. Because that was honestly See, the thing is, Eli One of the loudest characters ever. Yeah, but the thing is what you don't understand is... One of the laziest characters ever. Yeah, but the thing is, what you don't understand is I was thinking, what way could I ruin this new thing

that you're doing in this podcast? And did I ruin it? Well, you fucking did. Did I? Press the button. Did I ruin it? Fuck this. I'm over this.

Woo-hoo! What's that noise? Bye-bye, Chuckney Owl. Bye, Chuckney Owl. I'll see you on the Chukney Highway. So I said, you know, I've been working on my Jollibee for 17 years, and I've never been charged that much for a new piston part for the back part of my Jollibee. Well, it's an old car, though, isn't it?

And the man said to me, he said, oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Jeremy. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Jeremy. I used to know your pa. Your pa used to come in here. We'd done the pistons for him and all his Jalopy. I'm sorry. It's the inflation, you see.

It's not only that, though. What you don't understand is it's an old car and those parts are hard to make now. The older that car gets, the harder it's going to be to get parts for it. I'll tell you what, Paul, my boy, my boy, that's the price you have to pay for having a good old Jalopy. She's like my wife. She's like my old wife. And sometimes when I get lonely in the middle of the night...

Here we go. Juicy Jeremy uploads his fucking gooey treats to the exhaust pipe of your car. And sometimes I like to just take the carburettor out. The old carburettor. And I put it in the bed beside me. And it has the warmth. The warmth from today's driving. Still coming off the carburettor.

The slight odor of oil in the air and it helps me to sleep and i pillow down in slumber town and i i'm juicy jeremy now i'll leave you with that i'll leave these i've got to yeah no thanks for popping by it's always very nice to deliver like this my boys my boys you are my special little fellas. So, you know, I was telling you about my bat balls and the side effects of the teeth on my spine and stuff. Well, a few weeks ago, I was doing a bit of time travel for a podcast episode.

And for some reason, the butterfly effect of me doing that got rid of all the effects of the strange drinks you were giving me. Oh, I'm happy, Paul. So I am now completely cleaned out of the system. Well, you will see how you feel after today's sody, pops. Okay. And I do want to score. I'm going to go and do my crossword puzzles.

Next to the carburetti. No, my carburetti's back in the Jallapy. How do you think I drove over here? No, but are you going to snuggle up to it while you're out there or something? No, I don't know. Only when I get lonesome in the middle of the night and I think about

all the Jeremy's of the past. Like Jammy Jeremy. It was Jammy Jeremy. And Jalapeno Jeremy, which was a nice word but didn't really scan, you know.

There was a, there was a Junkie Jeremy. No, he was a problem Junkie Jeremy. He used to work in a junkyard. Yeah.

And he was a crack dealer. He used to sell in a junkyard. And he was a crack dealer. He used to sell heroin. Whatever happened to Jencombe Jeremy as well? Jencombe Jeremy? Well, he didn't invite him to the parties after a while. Fair enough. He had a Jencombe issue. And there was Jam Jeremy.

Yeah. And then there was Mint Julep Jeremy. Nah, don't count. You have to say Julep Jeremy or not at all. Julep Jeremy, that was his name. And there was... Josh Off Jeremy. It was Josh Off Jeremy.

Yeah. He used to ride with me. Whatever happened to them all then? What happened to them all? They all died in the Jeremy disaster on the farmstead of 1892. Oh. There was a window. No, I don't care.

Go. There was a window. No, no, at this point now, I don't care. Go. Eli's just parking your car around the corner so you can go and

sit in your car. And do the crossword? Yeah, do your crossword. I'm a crossword puzzle. You go ahead and do that then. You know, you enjoy these sodies. There's a good old selection

of good old sodies. Yeah, there's loads to go through. All the sodie pops. Now, for you to taste them, Paul, I did have one little request. Yes. I noticed there was an elastic band. Yeah, just the Malazze band. I like to twang it.

I like to put it on the carburettor. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Put Malazze band on your carburettor. I hope that it makes you feel a little bit better. Juicy Jeremy. Juicy Jeremy, Juicy Jeremy, put my lousy on your car and let's just see.

Oh, Juicy Jeremy and your jalopy. I'll go and do the crossword. Lousy band and procrastinate tea. I'll go then. I don't know. Buy you one, whatever.

I don't know what's happening. I'll go. Oh, don't know. Bye, Eli. Whatever. I don't know what's happening. I don't go. Oh, I just have to get up. Juicy Jeremy made my gravy come out all sticky. I'm going to do my crossword puzzle. Yeah, about fucking time. Piss off before I do another bebop song. Eli, sit down.

Juicy Jeremy just bored me shitless. He's a great fellow. He's a great fellow. He's a great fellow. Now, but he's left us some extremely exciting soda jerk. Soda jerks to try. Now, we like to taste different types of soda. What are we starting with today, Paul? Today, we are starting with no fanning about.

Deep down into it, we're getting in. Now, these two come from Chris. He basically says he's found two special edition flavors of Mirinda, a soft drink originally from Spain, but popular across Europe. And these two are Poland-specific flavours. Now, Marinda, I happen to know a bit about. I don't know anything about Marinda.

You see Marinda in those... I just like a girl called Marinda. They've been appearing in recent years in the more down-market sort of chicken shops, you know. Yeah. The ones that are called Idaho Fried Chicken or whatever, sort of chicken shops you know yeah the ones that are called idaho fried chicken or whatever sort of minnesota you know all those sort of idaho you know no but they're in those cheaper shops i think they're they're a lot of shops will use marinda in place of um fanta basically i think it probably is slightly cheaper than fanta when

you buy in bulk well we have two flavors the orange one is perfectly good it's a good it's a perfectly good orange soda they also have a strawberry one uh strawberry never works for me i don't think it works for soda but these are special editions so i'm interested here so we have two flavors we have mirinda pomegranate and grape and we have mirinda acai berry and melon interesting flavor profiles there especially the acai Berry and Melon. Interesting flavour profiles there. Especially the Acai Berry and Melon. Which one do you want to try first?

Let's try the grape. Is this a soft drink in terms of it's fizzy? Or should I not have been shaking it about? It's fizzy, yeah. They're fizzy drinks. Okay, well, I'm going to now

release the fizz. Just be careful. Maybe it's... Oh, no. It's under carbonation pressure. What's the nose on it? Not amazing. No.

You know what I think? Because judging from their normal flavours, the strawberry and the orange, there's not going to be a lot of nuance. You're not going to be able to distinguish great. It's going to just be very sweet. This, off the nose, already smells like synthetic, like sweeteners kind of thing. Give it a quick sniff. It probably has got sweeteners in. Oh, yeah. You know what that smells like synthetic, like sweeteners kind of thing. Give it a quick sniff. Probably has got sweeteners in.

Oh yeah, you know what that smells like? It smells of summerberry squash. A hot, a hot summerberry's happened so fast. Sure don't be like, pour it into your glass. Twang it, twang it. Lazzy bands.

Oh my lazzy. Come on. Right. All right. Here we go. It's got quite a pleasing sort of pink cloudiness. It looks like the kind of pink you get in the mouthwash at the dentist. Yes.

Also, it does resemble. What's that big squash brand? Barrett's. Like Robinson's or whatever. It looks like Robinson's Summer Fruits. I don't know if you ever had that, Paul. The summer fruits came sailing in from across the sea. Shut up.

Shall we taste this? Yeah, let's taste it. It's not bad, but there's not much there. No, but it does have a sort of finish which is a bit elderflower-y almost. A bit herbal. Creamy as well. It's got a creamy finish. That's not too bad.

What's the flavour meant to be? Pomegranate. It's pomegranate and grape, isn't it? Yeah, pomegranate and grape. Really? I'm getting that pomegranate, that kind of herbal note of the pomegranate at the end slightly, which is a bit like elderflower. See, to me, you're right

when you said summer fruit. It has a generic summer fruit cordial flavour. It definitely does. I'm going to have another little dash of it. That's not too bad. It's not offensive and bad. It's not sickly sweet, is it? It's more on the watery side than the syrupy side. You know what? On a hot day, actually, with some icing,

that would be probably quite nice. Perfectly good. Yeah. I mean, it's nothing to write home about, really, is it? Dear mother, today I had a drink of Miranda. It was pomegranate and it was grape. And mother, it was worth writing home about. Now, I'm more excited for this

because I love melon. I love the flavour of melon. Acai berry and melon. Acai berries, bullshit. Remember that was like a superfood from Brazil, acai berries. Okay. They were meant to be a big,

super, sort of, super nutritious. And they have drink, thick acai drink that they make in Brazil, I think. It's almost like a, what's the nose on this like? Like a hot sauce. This smells like hot sauce.

You tell me this doesn't smell like a hot sauce. This is green and pale and this is cloudy. Oh, yeah. Do you see what I mean? That smells like a hot sauce to me. It has a sort of

habanero in it, doesn't it? Yeah, right. It really does. That's interesting. But that's kind of the crossover of pineapple, habanero, melon,

all have a sort of live in the same... But what's the profile of pineapple, habanero, melon, all have a sort of... But what's the profile of an acai berry, though? Is it meant to be a sour berry or something? No, they're little red things. They're dried up. They don't have much flavour. No, they're purple. They make this purple sort of acai paste out of it,

don't they? I don't know. Check the front covers. I have an image of it. Yeah. They're purple, look. Right, okay. These little purple things, they're...

They're acai berries. So they're dark. They're dark and raisiny Right, okay. These little purple things, they're... They're Acai berries. So they're dark. They're dark and raisiny, I think. Acai. Acai. Acai. I'm Acai. Are you Acai, mate?

I'm Acai. Acai, mate. Hello, mate. Are you Acai? Acai. Mike passes a fair Friday drink, mate. No, I'm going to have to go see Dr. Silverman, actually. What?

Acai. I'm not Acai. If you know what's good for you. Acai. Weetabix reference. What's that from okay Weetabix reference what's that from Weetabix oh that's funny remember when they had

skinheads okay I love that back in the day when you could advertise Weetabix with skinheads okay okay

berry right pour it drink it green they've gone for green even though the acai is purple so they've gone for

the melon colour let's taste this I don't know about that I can't get any acai it's just a sort of a watery messy but it's very grassy and i can't i can basically almost taste the melon but there's too many grass herby notes up front and there's a sort of artificialness it's not very impressive neither of them were they're not offensive either on a cold day like on hot day a hot day, if they were colder on a hot day. On a cold day, they could be hotter. People do drink a hot Ribena, don't they?

Do you like a hot Ribena? I don't think I've ever had it. It's nice, actually. Fair enough. I used to like hot Weetabix milkshakes. There you go. Because Shakeaway used to do it. It's not the same thing, but I did like it.

These are probably quite cheap. And also, for the money, fine. I wouldn't go with this one, but the pomegranate, lovely on a hot day, I reckon. Yeah, the pomegranate's stronger, definitely. Because it's like that herb, that sort of almost elderflower, like I keep saying. But that's what I liked about that. So, eh, all right.

They're not too bad. Not too bad. Now, what have we got coming next? Well, I tell you what, let me just slap a sound effect in and we'll get straight down into it. Right. There's a theme to these next drinks.

There is. And it's a theme that we've covered before with similar kinds of like candies and things where it's like based on like we had those water drinks, didn't we? That the water that was based on

They were these, weren't they? They were Barretts and these are Barretts as well. Well, okay. So we had some water, flavoured water. We had fruit salad flavoured water, didn't we? And Wham. And Wham flavoured water. And now these are flts as well. Well, okay, so we had some water, flavoured water. We had fruit salad flavoured water, didn't we? And Wham.

And Wham flavoured water. And now these are flumps as well added to this. But these are... Fizzy soft drinks. I think they're fizzy soft drinks. So fruit salad is raspberry and pineapple fizzy drink. Again, based on a Barretts famous penny sweet. Fruit salad.

We've covered these many times before, so that's why we're racing through them now. Flumps, I don't think we've done before. I didn't know Barrett's made flumps, but flumps are essentially a marshmallow brand. Just marshmallow, yeah. And it just says here, vanilla marshmallow soda drink.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. That's going to be like a cream soda. Cream soda, yeah. It's a nice pink colour. That might be the best of these, because the waters, the flavoured waters, were not good at all. Very artificial.

It's that thing about flavoured water I don't like anyway, which is the sense of distilling the flavour down to almost nothing and you're getting this kind of wet, sickly, artificial. Just drink water. Or juice. Yeah. Barrett's Wham, which is tangy, raspberry, fizzy drink. Yeah, okay.

Let's go. What do you want to start with, Mr Silverman? Let's start with the familiar fruit salad. Fruit salad. Okay, I. So, let's go. What do you want to start with, Mr. Silverman? Let's start with the familiar fruit salad. Fruit salad. Okay, I will now release the fizz. These were available in Iceland. I believe so.

Yeah. Very, what nostalgic confectionery product would you like to see as a soft drink? Does anyone need this? I know this is going to sound like, I know this is going to

sound trite, but I'd be interested to see if you could do this with a blackjack. Yeah, I mean, that's one of their brands as well. Because that could be

like a root beer kind of flavour. It could be. The Aniseedie could be quite interesting. I like Aniseedie drinks in the right mood. Yeah, Anisette.

Obviously, in the world of booze, it's a big thing. Pernod, Absinthe. And I'm like, you know, I've always been partial

to a Blackjack candy anyway. I really like them. So I'd like to see them give it a try. What would you pick? I'm not surejack candy anyway. I really like them. So I'd like to see them give it a try. What would you pick? I'm not sure. This is why I bring it up. I'm not sure I need a soft drink version of stuff that I enjoy as sweets.

I don't need it. I've said before that nowadays retro things like candies and stuff have become brands in themselves. Almost like franchises. Like franchises, which you slap on crisp flavours or candy sticks or fruit drinks or rubbers flavoured pens and all sorts yes but I think

part of that is that the technology the flavour technology must have improved in recent years to make it more easy to just put it in things yeah

because this wasn't something you used to get in the 80s you wouldn't get a wham bar and a wham flavoured drink you never got it it was the idea we've all mentioned it

a few times in the past but like rather than make one good ragout they were advised to make many ragouts that they could send and it. It was the idea, you know, we've all mentioned it a few times in the past, but like, rather than make one good ragout, they were advised to make many ragouts that they could send. It's kind of the same

kind of thing. Rather than just have fruit salads, why not try a drink? Why not try this? Why not try that? Diversification is a big marketing thing.

Lip balms and things. You know what I mean? All that. So this smells, to be fair, like fruit salad. So I'm just going to give myself a little

pour of that. I'm going to hand it over. Nice fizz, cloudy, but whether it lasts. pour of that. I'm going to hand it over. Nice fizz. But whether it lasts. Fizzier than the Miranda. But whether it lasts. Yeah, you smell it. Yeah. You can smell it. It's definitely got the smell of a fruit salad candy. I'm just going to, I think this is going to have that artificial sweetness.

They all will. If anything, that's going to be the downfall of these drinks. Here we go. It smells quite good, isn't it? You know what I'll say for it though? That aspartame sweetener thing isn't really up front and centre like a lot of these

drinks do. No, it's at the back. It's at the back. It's got a tartness almost like that Coca-Cola sort of tartness. Yeah.

But look, it does taste like a fruit salad, but it's thin. It kind of does. It's thin, but it is there. Yeah.

I'm getting too much aspartame on the back. I don't mind it at the back. It's when it's at the front that I get pissed off with it because at the front it kind of negates everything the drink's

trying to do. I'm not against that. I'm not a fan of it. It's better than the water. It's better than the water. By a vast margin, it's better than the water. What have we got next then?

We're going to go to the Wham. I think we should end with Flums because it's new to our palate. Yes. Right. So Wham.

Interesting one, Wham, because when I think of Wham bars, they're white with flubs because it's new to our palate yes right so wham interesting one wham because when I think of wham bars they're white with speckles in aren't they no they were pink they were always pink I thought they were

white with speckles they were never white wham bars were always pink really yep what's happened to wham bars in recent years is they've been

they've been castrated they've been softened and thrown a bunch they used to be proper danger sweets that would gum your mouth up. Break your teeth off. They'd be like fucking underground danger sweets.

It's weird. If you bought them in the summer, they were tough but chewy. But if you bought them in the winter, they were like daggers in your mouth. They would snap off. You could literally cut the palate open. I fucking did. I remember cutting my mouth open with them. You've had proper worm injuries.

The kids today don't know. They've been fucking born. I've been to the worm frontier. Right here we go so wham interesting though because it's like hard to i think capture a wham in anything other than a wham bar because it's that mixture of the toughness and the chewy and the fizzy not anymore it's very soft now it's terribly soft an actual wham bar these days i can barely smell anything from this one stick it in your glass let's have a little smell unpleasant though and i I tell you what, the fizz ain't too bad on these as well. I'll say that for them.

The fizz is fine. It was just too aspartame-y for me. It smells better in the glass than in the bottle, I'll say that. In fact, in the glass it's got a nice... God, it's got hardly any smell off the bottle. But in the glass it's much better. It's got a kind of cherryade smell to it when you put it in the glass. Well, it's quite close,

isn't it? It's much stronger in the glass. Right down the hatch. I mean, that's all right, but it's kind of generically raspberry. It's tartar, isn't it? It's less sweet. And I'm getting less of the aspartame. Yeah.

All right. That's all right. That's quite refreshing. Actually, yeah. You know what? I don't know if it's wham, but it's a nice raspberry fizzy drink. It's a reasonable raspberry soda. Yeah, that's all right, actually. Probably cheap these as well, aren't they? Very. I mean, these are all what? I don't know if it's wham, but it's a nice raspberry fizzy drink. It's a reasonable raspberry soda.

Yeah, that's all right, actually. Probably cheap, these, as well, aren't they? Very. I mean, these are all what? Like, basically, back in the day, they would just be called cherryade and raspberryade and orangeade and stuff. You know, that's what I kind of miss. It's nicely tart.

It's quite got a high tartness. All right. So, so far, look, you've got to remember, made cheaply... My favourite so far has been the pomegranate and grape Miranda. I would almost say the Wham's been my favourite so far. Yeah, because it tastes of raspberry.

Forget the Wham. I don't think it tastes of a Wham bar at all. I mean, I don't give a shit. This is what I'm trying to say. I don't need my sweets to be drinks. No. No. But raspberry drink? Ooh, fine. I like that. And it's got a'm trying to say. I don't need my sweets to be drinks. No, no. But raspberry drink? Ooh, fine. I like that. And it's got a fizz to it.

It's got a nice fizz. It doesn't go flat instantly. It still contains a little bit of bubble action. What I find quite fascinating is, you know, Purdy's? Yeah. They've been, like, the new kid on the block since the 80s. Yeah. They're always like, oh, we've seen new Purdy's.

No, they're fucking... But they were expensive back in the day and now they've become... They were more of a health food thing in the day, weren't they? Position. But now they're much more of a sort of mainstream softy.

I knew that their status had changed when they became part of a meal deal. Purdy's, yeah. When they became part of a meal deal, you thought, oh, you've lost your crown. You know? Right, next one.

The flumps. You know. Right, next one. The flumps. I'm getting gaseous. Sorry. Yeah. Remember the flumps?

A little cartoon show back in the 70s. Was it an Oliver Postgate thing? Oh, I don't know if it was him, but it was definitely stop motion little thing, little hairy flumps. I like the clangers. No comment. No, don't you like the clangers? I'm not a clangers person. If anything, I'm much more of a bagpuss person than the clangers. No comment. No, well, don't you like the clangers?

I'm not a clangers person. If anything, I'm much more of a bagpuss person than a clangers person. Yeah, I mean, I used to love bagpuss. Bagpuss is something sort of... Calming. And weirdly dreamy. And sort of, yeah. Kind of folk horror-y to it as well. Yeah, yeah.

Right, flumps, which is, just to remind you, a vanilla marshmallow thing. Because that's the main flavour of marshmallows, is vanilla, isn't it? Although there is a herb, isn't there? Isn't there a sort of herb called marshmallow? I don't know. Weird. Or some kind of flower or something.

Yeah, yeah. This is, again, not in the bottle. I'm going to try and get it in the glass. Get more aeration. Get the air coming off it and the bubbles and then get a good sniff on that. It's got the flumps water. There's not much of a

scent on this. Right. I'm going to go in for the slop. No. No. No. What do you think of

cream soda? Let me ask you. I like cream soda. It's nice. It has its place. I mean I don't mind the taste of cream soda but I never drink

like a whole glass of it. No I never yearn for it. I don't yearn for cream soda. You yearn for cream though? don't yearn for cream soda. You yearn for cream though? Yes. Dick cream.

Yes, Eli. You yearn for my dick cream. I like the milk of the dick, Titty. So this is fine, but it's definitely the lesser of all these. There's barely any flavour. The sweetener's up front. And I couldn't even say, if you didn't tell me what the flavour of that was, I wouldn't have guessed marshmallow vanilla. It tastes like like a cream soda but with a bit more emphasis on the sort of tartness it tastes and smells like a you know when like you get like kids like young

girls like makeup stuff scented toys yeah scented things like that it's kind of it's got that vibe sort of artificial yeah what were they called strawberrycake. Is that what you're saying? Does it smell like a shortcake? Yeah, maybe not barbie. Yeah, definitely things like strawberry shortcake. It's got that kind of sense of this powdery, floral kind of thing going on. It's a sort of floral. It's sort of almost a palmer violet thing, isn't it?

Yeah. Okay, so which do you think? Of the three Barrett's soft drinks, you go with the Wham. I'm going to go Wham, Fruit Salad, and then Flumps. Just for the record, all these are fine. And for the money, I think you get value for money with this. Do you know what? I just can't get over the Espartame.

Both the Flumps and the Fruit Salad, for me, has a really strong artificial sweetener flavour. That's why I think the Wham's the best, because I think it hides it most, and it's got a richer flavour up front. It does hide it, yeah. Now, we've got two sodas to go, Paul. Actually, after a bit of a mouthwash kind of thing,

I can taste the marshmallow now, but it's a bit too late because it's all wet and thin up front. It's weird. It sort of clashes with the tartness of the up front. Yeah. That's, you know, lemony stuff. Oh, no, no, no.

It's not good. The flounce doesn't really work, does it? It doesn't work work, does it? It doesn't work as a soft drink. Wham is the most successful in the medium of soft drink. Now, fruit salad's right in the middle, but we have two end-of-segment finale drinks to come to, and we're going to get to them right after that rinky-dinky sound effect.

I had to inject a bit of energy, and it was just, I feel so dirty. I feel down. And now it's time for the grand finale of our elongated, expanded, and stretched out

of recognition soda segment. Here we go. Weird. What do you want to do first? I think we should end on the banana cream. But outside of the podcast activities, what would you like to do first? I think we should end on the banana cream. But outside of the podcast activities,

what would you like to do? No, I think this is one I picked up. What's this called? This is called... Jaljeera. Jaljeera. I think, again, it's Indian. It's a carbonated drink with cumin extract.

Cumin. So it's got cum in this, has it? Has it got cum in this? No, it's cumin in my mouth. I said, Akai. Akai?

Cumin. In my gob. Akai cumin in me gob. Oh, sometimes, Paul. Sometimes. Sometimes episodes, Eli,

are funny and sometimes they're this weak. Right. This is a cumin-flavoured soda. Tangy. Spice. And I got this from

Dalston Superstore, which is, not Dalston Superstore, it's called Dalston something local. Okay. And it has a great range of different sodas.

They've got all of the ones, the funny ones that I bring onto the show, Paul, come from that shop. So this is tangy spice refreshing drink with a jeela twist.

I think that, they just mean the cumin is the jeelera twist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Serve chilled. That's fine. Fuck it. Right, I'm opening it up. Get a sniff on this.

It could be quite nice because... Have you tried this? No. This is all brand new. Yeah. This was a new one in the shop that I hadn't seen before. But we have tasted that chilli mountain dew, which was nice. It's got a spicy nose.

Not too spicy, but it feels more like an ingredient in a sauce than it should be for a fizzy drink. Savory cumin is used in savoury dishes, in savoury stuff. Interesting. Right, okay, so it's got the colour of a cola. Definitely, light brown. Fizzy. Fizzy, fizzy.

And it's all right, isn't it? Let's get a nose on it. Let's get a nose. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, it smells like curry. It Let's get a nose. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, it smells like curry. It smells like curry and Coke. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a proper combination of a sort of cola and then at the back the cumin sauce comes through and it's very curry-y. Do you think it's like that... Remember we had that

Nissan soda that was the curry's... The 50th anniversary. Yes. The curry soda we had. That The 50th anniversary. Yes. The curry soda we had. That had a cumin flavour, yes. And that had a Coke base as well, didn't it? Ah.

Yeah, so maybe this is similar. It's very close to that, yeah. Let's give it a go. I'm going in. Oh, fuck no. Oh, fuck no. Uh. Uh.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. That's got a terrible texture to it. What do you mean? It's just, I can't explain that. But, like, while most drinks kind of fizz over your tongue, this one kind of, like, claws at it on the way past. Oh, it's got this very, yeah, it's got a very...

Oh, God, it clings. A tense, sort of clingy sweetness to it. Thick, thick. Thickness, yeah, syrupy is what we're saying. But it's kind of... Go back. Don't make me daddy. It's a salty thing.

Yes, it's almost like a lassie, like a salty lassie. It's got like a salty lassie to it. No, that fucking owl can fuck off. This isn't chutney. He's out the window. He's getting out of here. Now, what do you think? Someone's got to like that, but not me.

You know what? Do you know what word might make sense for you here? Do you know what word might make sense for you here, Paul? Soapy. Oh, it's a bit soapy. It's a bit soapy, isn't it? You know, in that way that sort of... And the cumin,

it's just because you associate that cumin taste with curry so much that it's hard to... It's so weird. That's such a weird drink. It's a strange drink. Tell you what's weird about it, because there is a nice Coke there somewhere. There's a Coke note, isn't it?

That's the nicest note. There's a Coke note, but you've got this salty... It hits you with the salt first yes and then you get the sweet coke and then at the back you get that cumin

the cumin floral yes like a herby after it's not it's not working for me either I have to say

I don't think it's as bad as my reaction I think it just kind of took me a surprise that I wasn't expecting the saltiness that really has put me off it's a bit salty

a bit soapy a bit likey, a bit like cola. It's a really bizarre drink. I think this is just something they're trying out. It feels to me like a new product, you know, not something that's been established. It feels like someone's made that as a dare. Yeah, that's what I'm saying about it being new. I feel like it's not something.

Maybe it's similar to other spiced soft drinks that they have in that part of the world but if it didn't have that salty texture i don't know where that's come from but without that i could almost find it more pleasant to drink yeah you're right it's that it's yeah do you know what it is you know that sweetness with the salt at the top that's it so you know when like they say if you want to be sick you should drink some salt water or whatever it is. It's like that, yeah. It's that kind of thing. Oh, God. Oh, no, the burps.

We're bad. It's repeating. Got cuminy burps, yeah. Right, mate, it's coming up again. Oh, God. We have to finish with banana cream. Oh, I might not like this.

I know. That's why we saved it to the end. So... Oh, no. Oh, no oh come on so this drink was sent to us by event it came in the initial box where she sent all the uh the things to us and the the price of shot items a little while ago and it is a drink by a company called rack a r double a k since 1957 they've been going and this is i've never heard of them no well i presume you wouldn't have

because it's a drink from another country oh is it it's from the Netherlands I don't know yeah well I don't know where they got it

but I'm presuming so it's there it's called Gezus maybe that's the brand of this particular soft drink and it is creamy banana

zero sugar oh god oh god oh god so what it's telling me is my least favourite artificial flavour has been added to the Asparty.

Yeah, that's kind of horrible. Well, this is just a fucking riot. It's going to be a fucking shit show for Paul's face. Although, like all segments, Paul will be ending this with a mega cocktail of everything we've tasted. Oh, really? Yeah, of course. Oh, mate, the smell of it smells like cow pulp.

You know that banana medicine I was a kid? Yes. You know what someone was saying to me about the banana flavour, the generic banana flavour? That it's based on a nut, but it doesn't exist anymore. That's right, yeah. That's right. Isn't that funny?

It is funny. So it's how bananas used to taste before there was a sort of extinction-level event. And they had to basically re- Invent the banana. Re-domesticate the banana. Redomesticate the banana. God, it looks like piss. It looks like fluorescent piss.

I don't know. If I gave that to Dr. Silverman, would he say I was or wasn't hydrated enough? Well, he's not a real doctor. Is he? He gave me a full physical the other week. Well, he likes doing that, yeah. He works on his own sort of philosophy of medicine. Does he?

Built around poultice. Did that involve fingering my ring piece and jacking me off into it? He likes to get... I'm not doing this. Well, I thought of what you said last week. What's the nose like? It's banana cowpaw smell. Yeah.

Banana medicine. This is the last drink. I can't get the cumin taste out of my mouth. I can't. It's like that salty thing is right in my teeth. It's really nasty. Right, here we go. Down there. This is the Banar Zero Sugar Banana Cream.

It's not even a drink. He's shaking as he pulls it out. I can't do it. I can't do it. Oh, I hate this. I hate banana drinks so much i can't oh oh oh if you like banana and i'm fake sugar oh boy is this the drink for you it's very aspartamey a very oh god banana is not even that

strong it's just it tastes like bones it's got a bone after it's like marabou jelly you're a strange man like gnawing on a pork chop after you've eaten the flesh off it kind of vibe. You are so strange. Why am I strange? Just the things you come up with. Sometimes they're correct, but I'm not getting bone from this. You can't sense a little bit of pork chop bone. No, you've articulated what you feel very well, but I'm not getting a bone flavour.

I'm just getting underpowered banana banana there's no tartness and there's a lot of aspartame and the fizz isn't strong and it was just not very good no it's like a banana meets butcher shop kind of flavor are you ready i'm ready for a mega mix for your cocktail okay i'm gonna first of all add in one part one part grape and pomegranate. Don't put too much in. No, I know. But you've got to put enough in for it to be a...

You've got like six drinks here, mate. All right, that's enough. All right. Yeah. I'm handing you the banana cream. I'm doing it in order of how we've done it. So next is acai berry and melon. Then what did we have?

And then we had the three Barrett's drinks in a row. Starting with... Starting with fruit salad. Here's a fruit salad for you. We're building it. And so far, the colour remains a nice yellow. It was all... Oh, good Lord.

Good Lord, my burps are getting worse. Artificial banana and cumin. Added. Next. Tutankhamen. Yes, an Egyptian's doorbell. Well funny. Right, next was the Wham.

Wham, which was your favourite of all the drinks so far today. It was. an Egyptian's doorbell. Well, funny. Right, next was the Wham. Wham, which was your favourite of all the drinks so far today. It was. Wham's going in. I think my favourite was, like I say, probably the pomegranate grape Miranda, which I thought had a pleasing balance and a nice rounded, a bit of an evolution. Like there was something at the end to look forward to.

You know what I mean? Flumps, flumps, flumps. Oh, flumps wasn't good. But it's all going in the glass. Flumps was not good, was it? It end to look forward to. You know what I mean? Flumps, flumps, flumps. Oh, flumps wasn't good. But it's all going in the glass. Flumps was not good, was it? It's going in the glass. And now? And now for the fucking...

Jaljira. The salt lick drink. The salt lick cumin drink. Oh, don't. You put too much in there. And now, finally, I will eat my banana cream. Top it up with some banana cream. I'm going to give it a top off. Zero sugar banana cream.

Oh, there you go. There we go. That's the big mix. This will bring back your flying ball sack. It's a nice, interesting, it's like a blood, ox blood coloured drink,

isn't it? Oh, it's now on my pants because I just spilled it. Well, interestingly, it smells like a roast dinner right now. Does it? Yeah, it's weird. Well, interestingly, it smells like a roast dinner right now. Does it? Yeah, it's weird.

Okay, here we go. Bone marrow roast dinner. I bet you this won't be too bad all said and done. But here we go. The mega cocktail. Down it goes. Ugh.

Let me taste. Can I taste it? It's not too bad, but that fucking cumin drink spikes it. Overpower it. Enjoy the mega mix. It's nicer than

just the cumin stuff on its own. Very much so. It tones down that salt, like that weird cloying saltiness. It keeps the cumin-y, but drops the salty. Yeah, yeah. So in many respects, I think I've fixed it. Yeah, there we go. It's not that bad.

It's not that bad. I mean, you can't taste anything else apart from, it's just a generic soda. There's a lot of fruit flavours going fruit flavours going around, but, yeah. No, you know what? Not too bad for a mega mix. Shall I get Juicy back in? I'll tell you what. Go get him while I put the sound effect on,

and we can wrap up with him, all right? So that was our juice segment today. Jeremy! Oh, here he comes. Juicy, Jeremy. Oh, OK. We're just wrapping up, Juicy, but so before we go, we just wanted to give you a report. Oh, okay. We're just wrapping up, Juicy, but so before we go, we just wanted to give you a report.

Oh, okay. What do you think of the sody pops, boys? I knew an interesting collection today, Mr Jeremy. Oh, yes, good ones. I go all up and down the land, just like my papas did before me. Do you know how many generations my Jallapies been in the family? One. That's right.

I had to replace the Jallapies. That's right, I was just you and your dad. No, it was just me. I bought a new Jallapie when I was a little boy. I used to go with NatWest piggy banks and I collected... No, go on.

This is good. I'm interested in the NatWest. I collected those little piggies. They helped me to save the NatWest. Those fine fellas put the NatWest bank. What was the big pig that you got? Did you get the biggest pig? I got all the way to the top, to the fat cat pig,

which is kind of collectible on the market these days. Oh, that's very interesting. And I took that first $100 bill, and I went down to the Jallapy store, and I said, Mr. Jallapy, because that's the name of the man who worked there. I said, Mr the Jallapy store and I said, Mr. Jallapy because that's the name of the man who worked there. I said, Mr. Jallapy. He said, yes. He was a grumpy old fella

but he had a temper on him and he used to like take you behind the... Yes. Take you behind the Jallapy store and give you a hiding if you weren't respectful. What's this birdie? That's my new friend,

Chutney Owl. Chutney Owl? He would like to... What's that, Chutney Owl? He says he's a bit lonely and would you like to be his friend? I will be. You know what?

My little birdie boy, you know what, I sometimes get lonesome in the middle of the night. I take my carburettor out. Do you like a warm carburettor? Come on, come with me. Just send the scores, email me the scores, boys. Well, look, long story short, one was

our favourite. Oh, right. It wasn't my favourite, it wasn't Eli's favourite. What is Eli's favourite? Eli, what did you think? I liked the grape and pomegranate Miranda. Fine. A man of culture. Okay, see you boys. Come on, Ali.

We got some carburetor sniffing to do. Ooh. Come on. He's off. Come on. Knees off. Come on, Allie. Bye, boys. See you, boys. There goes Jeremy.

And that's the end of this week's podcast. Hey! If you want to see pictures, videos, links to merch, links to all sorts, go to thecheapshow.co.uk. Everything's there. Everything's there. Everything you want to know. links to all sorts. Go to thecheapshow.co.uk Everything's there. Everything's there. Everything you want to know. Any social media, just go straight there. There are links all over the fucking place. I've got links coming out my arse. Instagram, Facebook, links there

up the arse. Links out the arse. Right up the fucking shitter. Right. Also, we're on Twitter at thecheapshowpod, at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is... Eli Snoid, which you spell E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And tickets for Digitizer Live

on sale right now. Oh, they are. At the Digitizer website, or there's a link on our front page at thecheapshow.co.uk. And finally, to all the wonderful people who support us on Patreon,

thank you once again for helping us keep doing this show despite evidence suggesting we should stop now we carry on going and we want to thank you but if you want to be one of those massive wonderfully wonderful people thanks guys go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can and depending on the tier you join you'll get extra video episodes, extra podcasts, behind the scenes events, fantastic magazine. It's all there.

Years now. Years of content. Years of extra cheap show. Can I just add, Paul, three words of my own here to the Patreon? Yes. Thanking. Oily beard scrunch. And after the success of the live show,

I will now be adding a tier where Paul will be offering belly slaps. I will slap my belly for up to an hour in a privately made and filthy erotic video that you can get right now. It's called Slap to the Future and I'm working on a trilogy,

Slap to the Future Part 2 and Slap to the Future Part 3. Can I do an oily beard scrunch in there? Yeah, you could. You can do your own. I can just smuck it in. Piece of glass. Just smear it all on.

Whereas mine will be a fisheye lens look at my tongue, distended and stretched, as I whack it with the bare palms of my hand until the little white worm comes out from his little pink house and jumps free. Oh, come on. Jumps free onto the carpet of love right

that's it this week I think we can all agree we effectively tossed this one off but next week Eli we have to mention this

next week we're not doing the podcast next week we are broadcasting well I say we're just hosting it but next week is

our charity event i'm looking forward to that brandoff's been working on this for a while now i know everyone backstage all of our characters been working backstage for a while they've been very excited it's going to be a very long telethon event jesse jeremy probably be there all your favorite characters are going to be there they're working there'll be music there's music there's going to be music there'll be sketches characters it's going to be there and we're going to be raising money for a lot of good cheap show charities

so join us next week for what we'll promise to be great show it's going to be a great show we're going to raise a lot of money do a lot of good work and I know Brandoff's been saying this could change his career around

this could change his identity you know what I mean he has to he has to he has to he's got to pull his fucking finger out mate he's got to improve his look

because I've been hearing more his optics aren't great I've been hearing more I've been hearing more about the knockoff characters doing their own thing they've set up a website now they've set up a

fucking RSS feed they're going for it so they better fucking look well at least one thing they don't have is knockoff me and you

so without the special magic chemical element that is you and me but if Brando fucks this we're fucked anyway

the telephone it is next week. So if you want to get involved, you can go. Sainsbury's and Tesco's are selling our charity merch. It's Red Cock Day next year. You can buy your Red Cocks and wear them. And the Red Cock t-shirt. Does it go on the end of the year? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or get into. For a night of comedy and wonderful charity. Or wear the chocolates, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys wear the chocolates, mate the end of yeah yeah yeah or get into for a night of comedy and wonderful charity or up in the bar where the chocolate's made yeah yeah yeah that's where the chocolate's made yeah yeah yeah can you get them on the

tits on the milk milk yeah milk milk lemonade red cock day chocolate's made yes so join us for

red cock day 2023 next week and see if you can help raise a little bit of money for some great causes we'll see you then we're causes. We'll see you then. We're very excited.

We'll see you then. Thanks everyone. Until next time, stay cheap. Bye.