CheapShow - Ep 324: Red Nob Day 2023

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

It’s been months in the planning, but it’s finally here! RED NOB DAY 2023 has arrived and it’s Paul and Eli’s one chance to claw back some respect for the podcast and it’s colourful cast of characters. Richard Brandoff is hoping this redeems his standing in the community and with the “knock off characters” lurking in the shadows, this special episode could make or break the whole podcast! Everyone has gone all out to make this a spectacular fundraiser and you’ll be encouraged to donate to these “definitely legit” causes during the show. Expect songs, exclusive sketches, variety acts, and special guest appearances from folk like Sooz Kempner, Stuart Ashen, Ash Frith, Mr Biffo, Ethan Lawrence and Tom Mayhew, as well as a lot of the CheapShow characters you love so much! Nothing could possibly go wrong…. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-324-red-nob-day-2023 And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With thanks to @ashens @ashfrith @SoozUK @mrbiffo @EthanDLawrence @TomMayhew & @cjjc for the special CheapShow theme. Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Jimmy, Jimmy, there you are. Jimmy, we're under five minutes to go now. This is lady plops, you're not in costume yet. Just get into the dressing room already. What, what, what, what? Jimmy, are you ready? Have you got everything? I think everything's okay, yeah.

I'm gonna be in the production booth monitoring the cameras. We've got the sound, we've got the donation computer all set up. Got the computer all set up, Ralph. I think we've got our running order in. I directed the show down to a T. Well, I'm depending on you, Jimmy, old friend, old pal. I know. Ruff, this is very...

There's a lot riding on this, Ruff Ruff. A lot. A lot. Winky, winky. I know there's a lot riding on this. A lot more than I'm even letting on. The name of Cheap Show is up for debate in this event tonight. Absolutely so.

I've got ready. How do I look? How do I look? Oh, you look fantastic. You look like a dream come true. There's a little, the beard thing. You think that's worth it? No, the just for men things come out quite nice.

Ruff, ruff, good, yes. It's not showing then, though. No, no, and you don't smell of piss. Oh, Ruff, I'm glad, because it was like a beaver or something on the roundabout, and it came and it... Anyway, I was... We can't talk about the beaver right now. Focus on the actual job at hand. Some kind of stink beaver.

I got rid of the stink beaver. We won't get worried about the stink beaver going further from this point. Now let's just get our hosts over. Come on, let's just get the hosts over. I want to go through the script with them. Where is Eli and Paul? Paul and Eli, are you free? Ruff, Ruff, come over here. Yes, what? No, hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello, Richard. Hello, Jimmy. There's a lot going on and no one's spoken to us yet about the plans. We're here. We're ready, though, Paul, aren't we? Listen, guys, I just want to go through this with you right now.

You've got the script. You know the running order. You know where you've got to be and when. This is a live show. We're raising money for a lot of good causes tonight. Absolutely. All of the causes look really good and we're happy.

We're happy to do this. And you guys are the spine of this show. I'm the skeleton and you're the spine and Randolph is the guts. I'm the... Well... He's the stinky,

flatulent guts of this and I'm the sexy skeleton. Well, whatever. Yeah, no. No, we get the point. We're gonna be all right. We're very excited about this, alright? So, you just want us to be

on our spot when we go live in... Oh, that's not too long at all, is it? It's a few minutes now. Okay, good luck. There's a lot riding on this. The whole reputation, Ruff, Ruff, of all of the characters. And Paul, you're a good man. Eli, you're a good man as well.

Thank you very much. It's good to know. Thank you, Richard. I'm glad you put your trust in us to front this and be the face of Red Knob Day 2023. Red Knob. Red Knob Day. I know I said red cock last week. I'm not excited.

I didn't get the memo. Well, it is Red Knob. Just so everyone's on the same page. Knob. Knob. So, Red Knob Day. Charity. Buy your things. Jimmy, Jimmy. Yes, buddy. Yes,, charity, buy your things, blah, blah, blah.

Jimmy, Jimmy! Yes, buddy. Yes, buddy. Get out the way, Paul. Sorry about this. I was just, I'm waiting to do my thing and it doesn't, the green room, there's nothing in it. The green room's being sodded as we speak. I had the ride. I had a Zoom. No, we had the Zoom and the ice cream's coming. Is the Zoom here? I promise you the ice cream's coming. Is the Zoom here? I promise you the ice cream's coming.

Because, you know, I know it's for charity and everything. I don't usually work without a full ice cream. I've even got you a dusty dress from old mama's vintage clothing emporium. Has it been powdered? It's been very powdered for you today. Has it been pre-powdered? It's been pre-powdered. Hey, look, just give us some time.

The running late book is going to be sold. There's going to be drinks. I'm sorry. There's going to be a little something extra to give you all a bit of a pep in your step as you get out and do this live show for us tonight. Okay, as long as they've got the 99s. Now, just get into your position and get into your costume for later. Come on. Good luck.

Come on, everybody. Guests, come on. Can we get this sorted now, please? Ruff, Ruff, everybody. Get everybody into the places. Everybody, get into position right now. I'm going to the production studio. I'll see you up there.

We're going live in five, four, three... Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Grunty Studios in London, it's the first inaugural Red Knob Day 2023! And here are your hosts for the evening. It's Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman! Ruff, ruff! Hello, hello, yes. Welcome to Red Nob Day 2023. I am Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman. Ooh, exciting!

Ooh, this is very exciting. We're here tonight live to raise money for some great causes. They're great causes, Paul. And I've been very excited seeing the red knobs popping up all near me, all around me. I see you're wearing yours right now on your face. I'm wearing it. It's snug, but, you know, I think at least it'll stay on. You're meant to wear it on your face. No, you know, it's a knob. What are you talking about? Why have you got a big knob on your face?

Oh, sorry. That's your nose. Ha ha ha. Just a bit of fun, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, he's great, everybody. Yeah, just a bit of fun. No, honestly, That's your nose. Ha ha ha. Just a bit of fun, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, he's great, everybody. Yeah, just a bit of fun. No, honestly, Paul, just be serious. Be serious for a second here. Yes. Because there are a lot of very good causes.

That's true. And all of the characters. They've all got something special lined up. Something special lined up. It's going to be, it's not just going to be about raising money. It's going to be about entertainment. And that's what it's about. The red knobs, I've seen them in the money. It's going to be about entertainment. And that's what it's about. The red knobs, I've seen them in the shops.

Yes. Here, there, everywhere. Maybe you're listening at home wearing your red knob tonight. And maybe you're wondering, what is this red knob all about? Well, for me, it's a medical condition. But I'm guessing we're talking about the things you were buying from the shops. And ladies and gentlemen, here is the man behind it all. The man who's made tonight possible and who has a few words. Come on, come on, Richard.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, Richard. Richard Brandoff, the man behind the dream. Ruff. Ruff. Oh, thank you so much, Eli. Thanks, Richard. And thank you, Richard, for coming on the show tonight.

Ruff, Paul. Tell me why Red Knob Day. What did you decide to do? Why have you decided to do this? Well, Paul, for a number of years, the original cheap show characters have been just losing their identity, is what I thought. Maligned

and misunderstood. And I haven't been the most perfect rough, rough person or businessman. No, you're a conman and a murderer. Husband or employer. Probably sex acts involved too. Or anything in the past. Yes. We all know this.

It was a whole thing with the smelling. I mean, you still like that. I do. I know, that was your rider. You're in. You're in either. I sorted that out. How did you know about that, Ruff Ruff?

We're alive. We might want to skip past this. I, Ruff, I thought to myself, Richard, Ruff Ruff, you're a big man now in the big world and you have to do something if you if you and i it's just maxim by which i live rough rough if you see something needs doing do it so we're gonna raise money tonight you've organized this you've set it all up You're the man behind the dream, as we like to say. Absolutely. The phone lines open right now. Yes, the phone lines are open

right now. If you want to donate, you just put text CHEAPSHOW to 444444444444 44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 give a real phone number out, can I? Well, we're going to have to deal with this writing problem in the fucking pod, aren't we? Just text... Deal with it! No, just say 4444, and I'll show some cunt with 4444 gets fucking texted. Alright, well then text CheapShow and then your donation to

4444 right now, or you can call this number 1. No, that doesn't work! It is, you just press 1 and it just comes in. No one's going to believe that it's real! No one's going to believe this is real anyway. Ruff, we've got a great night lined up, Ruff Ruff, and I couldn't be prouder of the work that all of the characters have done

to make this night go off with a real bang. And I'll let you get on with introducing the rest of the show, Ruff Ruff. Right, well, he's off. He's ruffed off. He is Brandoff's ruffed off and leaving us in control of the show. So now, it's up to you. All we want you to do is pick up that phone

or pick up that text and throw it our way with a donation. Could be a little bit, could be a lot. Don't actually pick up your phone and throw it at us. No, don't use the number. Just use the number. Just throw us a number. Throw us a financial number. Or you can go to our website, don't throw me. Just use the number. Just use the number. Just throw us a number. Throw us a financial number.

Or you can go to our website, redknobday.net and donate as much as you can on our specialised, secure financial system. Yes. They've done a verification thing. You'll receive a special number.

You have to take that number with your credit card, put it in a bag. This is what Richard told me. Put it in a bag and then leave it outside your front door. Something like that. Yeah. We will collect it.

Sometimes you might need to put the money in between the papers of a book and then leave that. I don't know. It's a bit funny. It's funny. The point is that no matter how you do it, get your money to us now. Please call the line. You could change lives. You could change lives tonight.

Just pick up your phone. Dial one. But hey, let's speak could change lives. You could change lives tonight. Just pick up your phone, dial one. But hey, let's speak to a couple of people on the phones tonight that you could speak to when you give your donations into the show. It's really great, isn't it, Paul? Because we've got celebrities who will be taking your calls. You might speak to your favourite character and be

able to ask them about something. Yeah. Let's go over and see them. If you donate by dialing one, you might speak to one of these people. Come on, Paul. Come on, let's go have a little look. Let's go have a look. Come on, Paul.

Hi, everyone. Mr. Biffo here. I'm supporting Red Knob Day 2023 because I believe in the cause. I implore all of you to give as generously as you can afford to this worthwhile and important event. Thank you and God bless. Hi, I'm Ash Frith, comedian, podcaster, but now most importantly, Red Knob Day ambassador. Please support Red Knob Day today. I'm in one of the UK's first Red Knob Day clinics,

where people with red knobs can go and have them seen to. And that is only possible because of your donations. So please, if you can, give today to Red Knob Day. Maybe next time it'll be your knob that's red. Oh, mind the step. Oh, and here we are in the nest of the operations. This is where all your calls are coming in. I can already hear the phones ringing,

and we've got such an amazing lineup of people that you could speak to. Isn't that right, Eli? We've got everyone here. Everyone you can imagine is in the hub, all working absolutely for free, and they've been going for two hours before we came on air tonight, just to get as much money for these great causes and the characters, and we've got everyone here. Everyone's here waiting for your call.

Shall we see if we can have a little chat with one of them? Yeah, go on. Let's, uh, excuse me. Yes? Ah, it's Mr. Charity Chop Vampire. I want to take your donations. Ah, ah, ah, and suck a dick. Are you on a call?

No, I've just hung up from someone right there and then. They donated five pounds to the charity tonight. That was Mr P. Wilkins in Shropshire. Okay, good. How has it been? Busy tonight? It's been very busy so far tonight. It's been very exciting and there are so many dicks that people want me to

suck for money. Yes, but that's not what the... No, that's not for this at all. It's just for sucking dicks. That's just what I do to make a little bit of cash. It's kind of the only thing you ever say, isn't it? It is very true. But this is why I'm excited to be here tonight. What? What about charity shop stuff? I'm just a vampire likes dick. Is that good enough? Okay, well you keep up the good work. Thank you very much. I'm excited to be here tonight. What? What about charity shop stuff? I'm just a vampire like stick.

Is that good enough? Okay, well, you keep up the good work. Thank you very much. I've got a call coming in. I've got one coming in right now. Yes. Ah, ah, ah. Hello, who is this?

It's about seven inches erect. Why? It's a different phone number. I think you need to call. Okay, now, let's see. Let's pull. Let's see. I'll just take this call outside.

I'll see you later. Well, that was very interesting indeed. So, let's see who else's pull. I'll just take this call outside. I'll see you later. Well, that was very interesting indeed. So let's see who else we have here today. And oh, blimey, we haven't seen this character in a while, have we? It's everyone's favourite scallywag of the market stalls of South London, why, it's Tom P. Hello, Tom P. Oh, right.

How's it going? Not too bad. Thanks for joining us here tonight. No, it's my absolute pleasure. I've got time. I work for myself. I know you do. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. A little bit way. No, no, that's not what I'm saying.

No, that's fashion. That's why, isn't it? That's why I'm not saying it. Yeah, well, good. I shouldn't have brought it up. I sell dongers, flongers, bongers and wongers. Do you sell wazers anymore? Oh, there's no market for wazzers no more no there's no more what have you

have you got any donations in tonight oh you would not Adam and Eve how many fucking donations have come in am I allowed to

swear I mean you have it's a live show you would not believe how many donations have come in I try to you know

I'm not little here's a little little secret about old company you know I've come in. I try to, you know, I'm not, I'm not a little, here's a little, a little secret about old company. You know, I've been having loads of

donations, loads of donations. That's really exciting. But I try and work it out per donger unit price. Right.

Because I don't know. You don't know nothing. I'm quite innumerate as a person. But I tell you what, as I'm here,

I did bring a couple of boxes of... Of what? Dongers? No, I did bring a couple of boxes of... Of what? Dongers? No, not dongers. They're the half-sized ones. The dings.

They call them dings. You've got dings now, yeah. Yeah, well, they're little ones, but they're... What do you mean you brought a little box of dings? Well, I've got two boxes of dings. Yeah? Do you fancy a couple of dings? No, I don't want a ding or anything.

I'm sorry. I've got blabbers. It's not the time and the place to sell dings. You're meant to be taking charity. I've got a whole slew of blabbers. No, take... We're going to take... Can we get security to take these off him? Fluffy blabbers? No's not the time and the place to sell dingers. You're meant to be taking charity. I've got a whole slew of blabbers. No, take... We're going to take... Can we get security to take these off him?

Fluffy blabbers? No, you can't be selling dingers. No, no, it's fine. I don't have to take them. Fine, understood. Look, your phone's ringing. Answer the phone. We've got to move on.

It's a live show, everyone. Thank you. Hello, darling. Want to donate? Yeah, that's right. Red knob. Yeah. Yeah, of course you can donate, darling,

but first, what are you wearing? Eli, who else are you speaking to over there? Oh, Paul, everyone's here, and the phone lines are going absolutely crazy. Absolutely bonkers. Everyone's dialling one up and down the country to help the Characters on Cheap Show, and we've got, oh, everyone, let's just have a look over here.

Who behind here? Oh, sorry, excuse me. Who's this here? Oh, hello. It's Uncle Grumbly, everybody. Oh, hello, everybody. Hello, Uncle Grumbly. Hello. I tell you what, oh, it's nice being back on the show after a long absence.

I know they killed me off, but I've been watching from the sidelines and I very much support what you're doing tonight. Why do I have to be here? And how have the phone lines been? Have you been getting a lot of donations tonight? Oh, yes. No, I've had quite a few donations. Margaret from Nextdoor left a lot of scat in my bedpan,

and so I've turned that into a nice kind of minestrone soup of some kind, you know. Lots of bits in, lots of flouties. Oh, hell yeah. Ah, I see. So, no, you weren't meant to make your own donations in the form of food. You've been on the line. I've not been taking any money.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's what they do. They call you. I think you've got one coming through now. I'll take this phone call. And then see if they want to donate money. You've got all the details there on the paper in front of you. All right.

Hello. Thank you for calling Red Knob Day. How much would you like to donate today? Oh, he wants to donate a fiver. Well, that's it. Use the details in front of you there. All right. Do you want some scat, sir?

Can I interest you in a nice mucky soup? Oh, he's gone. Oh, he's gone. I didn't take his mad car details. Look, just keep... Yeah, we're going to have to move on from this. All right, I tell you what. Listen, there's a lot going on. We're live.

It's been really exciting. It's really exciting. It looks like the donations are going to hit our target. Yes, so it's very exciting. Oh, it's a good time we're having here tonight. We hope you're having fun at home watching this as well. But before we go any further with the entertainment tonight We just want to tell you and remind you about what you're giving money for tonight

Why you're donating you know often it's all fun and games with us on cheap show It is indeed and you know we do but there is a serious side of the story of the characters very serious Like there's a few short films tonight We're gonna be telling you just where your money's going and so we've got one for you right now. Let's take it away. Okay. Hi, I'm podcaster and comedian Paul Gannon.

I'm out on the streets in Victorian London to show you where your money's going to go to this Red Knob Day 2023. And we're just going to look around now and just see some of the places that your money will go to if you donate tonight on the show. Would you like an all-night box of matches? Here's one such

poor child who you could be helping tonight. You boy, you boy, come over here. Oh, hello. I'm Paul Gannon from the Internet's Cheap Show and a reasonably famous said list celebrity. And I've chosen to meet you. I didn't understand any of that well

I'm just out here oh my trousers oh they're very they're all torn at the knee ragged at the hem and your shoes are all held together with bacon fat nothing but two pieces of old leather with a nail and the nail don't half dig into me toenail. Oh, it goes under. Can you get a close look at this on camera? Zoom in on that. Oh, mister. You wouldn't have half... Can you zoom in on the stains on his shirt as well? Well, you wouldn't have half penny for me to go to the workhouse

and then they let me sleep in the gruel pen. Well, look, tonight, me and a lot of famous internet podcast celebrities are raising money to help people like you out on the streets of Victorian Britain. I'm only an orphan, mister. I'm an orphan living on the streets of Victorian Britain. What would tuppence get you? Tuppence? That's more money than I've ever imagined in my whole life. If I had tuppence, I would go and I would buy a piece of bread. Well, we could get you more than that.

By just giving eight tuppence or half a bob to Red Knob Day, you could get him a piece of bread or maybe even a hat. Oh, that would be amazing. I do love it so. On a cold and blustery night on the dark streets of old Victorian London when a celebrity comes along and helps us by giving us a tuppence of some such. Well we hope we can make a difference to your life tonight on Red Knob Day. Now can I just get a shot of you, can I just get a photograph with you?

Oh I've only got 10 minutes, I've got to get back to... Isn't the exposure on these old-timey photos very long? Stand next to me. Stand next to me. I'm just going to pretend to put my arm around you. Oh, the warmth of your arm is so comforting, mister. And smile. And great. Okay, wonderful.

Now you can go. All right. Thank you. That's just one of the faces your money could be helping tonight on Red Knob Day. I'm handing you back to the studio. Thank you. Moving stuff there. Very moving stuff.

And I looked great on camera next to that porky. You looked okay, Paul, yes. And the phone lines absolutely ringing and a ding-a-ding, ding-dong. Let's have a quick look at what we've raised so far. Wow, £500. You've only been going for about half an hour. £500. £500. £500 will make a difference. going for about half an hour. £500. £500.

£500 will make a difference. Keep on calling in. We want your money. We do. We do want the money. And now, something very special. Our first guest spot of the night. It's our first guest spot of the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Oh, I can't wait for this, by the way. I've been looking forward to this. Yes, it... And he's been... Preparing backstage. Preparing a lot. He's...

A lot of powder. A lot of powder. But he is an actor. He is. He needs his powder on his face, I suppose. Without any further ado, please welcome onto the stage, just for a quick little chat

before we see what he's got for us. Please welcome... Grumpy Sessions, everyone! Hello, boys. You've got something on your nose there. Sorry. That's a bit of... Sorry. It's all right. Hello. Hello, Gr. You've got something on your nose there. Sorry. That's a bit of... Sorry.

It's all right. Hello. Hello, Grumpy. Now, everyone knows you from Cheap Show, obviously, but since that time, since that time, you've had a bit of success in that they've rebooted the old 60s show for a modern era. They've brought you into it,

and it's Professor Whippy and the Magic Axe Cream Van. What's that like? Oh, it's amazing's Professor Whippy and the Magic Ice Cream Van. What's that like? Oh, it's amazing. I'm working with the same team, Paul, and it's just been like... They're still alive? Yes, just about. Yes, you know it's like that feeling of putting on a fresh nice, just out

of the wash, old pair of underwear. A nice powdery pair of pants. All powder powdery pair of pants. All powdery. Get the talc in there. Powder it up. And it's all very comfortable. So I've been having an absolute hoot.

Yes, it's a great show. And it really, because of the type of show it is, it gives an... It's not just all us old, you know, old business... Old faces. No, there's a lot of new talent. There's a lot of new young talent coming up and really finding their feet with this show.

Now, if people don't know, the original show back in the 60s had a mysterious, crazy professor called Professor Whippy. That's me, Professor Whippy. He travelled around the UK solving folk horror-based adventures in an ice cream van. It was a time-travelling ice cream van. He had one or two moments where it time-travelled.

You have to... Well, I mean, the conceit is you have to get enough whippy ice cream into the special unit on the back. Right, OK. It travels in time, but it can go very fast. Well, you updated the show accordingly because now you sell your hot dogs there and your coffee in the back of that van as well. Oh, okay. He travels in time, but he can go very fast normally. But you've updated the show accordingly, because now you sell your hot dogs there

and your coffee in the back of that van as well. Oh, yes. I wasn't too in favour of that. No, but that's the way the modern world works, isn't it? It's the modern world. And you get your cream quotients out of it as well, so you're getting all that. I totally get my calibrated cream quotients

right up into the thing. So anyway, it's becoming a big hit at the moment on TV. I know, surprising, isn't it? It's great. It must be great to have some success, finally. It's just, I can't say how happy I am.

The reviews have not been great, but, you know, it's got a nice fan base. You know what I say? They say the reviews aren't so great, and you know what I say? Go on.

This show, this show, Paul, is critic-proof. Oh, it's review-proof. It's critic-proof. No, fair enough. All right, well, what have you got for us tonight? Oh, Paul, is critic-proof. Oh, it's review-proof. Fair enough. All right, well, what have you got for us tonight? Oh, Paul, tonight we did this the other day

after we'd finished a week's shooting. They kept the cameras rolling. We've done a very special Red Knob Day Professor Whippy special thing. Wow, that's really impressive. Holy shit. Thank you, yes. Wow.

And it was a pleasure, and I love the good causes, and I think the Cheap Show characters are coming back. That's what we like to hear. That's what we like to hear. Watch out for an extremely special guest at the end of it. Well, it's really exciting stuff. Big celebrity cameo. I can't wait, so I'm going to let you introduce the clip yourself.

This is Professor Whippy brings a friend to the field. Here we go. Roll VT. Oh, it's a lovely day. I'm Professor Whippy. Here I am in my magical ice cream van, and I wonder what adventure I'll find myself having today out in the open roads of Dorset. Oh, what's that? Who's that over there? There seems to be a little boy sitting on the side of the road, and he's crying. Well, I wouldn't be a bona fide professor of ice cream if I didn't stop and see what the matter was. Oh, hello. Hello, Sonny Jim. Sonny Jim, what is wrong?

Oh, mister, I've lost my mummy and my daddy. And I've lost them in the woods. And I'm all alone. Oh, what's your name? Little Sammy boy. I'll call you Sam. Now, Sam, don't worry. I've got...

Would you firstly... Would you like an ice cream? I'd like an ice cream. What kind do you like? Zools. I've run out of zooms. Anything else? What's the orange one?

Clippo. I have Clippo. Oh, I'd like a Clippo, please. Now, I'll fetch you a Clippo from my magic ice cream van and then we'll see what we can do about finding your parents, okay? Here you go. Oh, good. Are you feeling better now?

Yeah, I am, but I don't know where my mummy and my daddy are. Well, Sam, I know a very special person. Who lives in the wood. Oh. And is connected via fungal networks to all of the knowledge of the wood. Oh, all the knowledge? All of the knowledge of the whole terrain. Oh, what do you know where my mummy and my daddy are?

You're one step ahead of me, Sam, little Sammy boy, Sam Sam. Oh. You're a clever little boy. I like to think so. Another Calippo? No. A different kind of ice cream? No, I just want to find my mummy and my daddy.

All right, don't cry. Stop, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Stop crying. Please, stop crying. Don't cry. Stop crying.

Please, stop. Don't. I'll take you. Would you like it if you could jump in the back of the magic ice cream van? Oh, I'd like that. And then I can go super fast. Do you know why? Why? We run on ice cream power. Oh, it sounds like a magical adventure and I'll find my mummy and my daddy.

I have these magic sprinkles that I use as fuel and they're very advanced scientifically. So jump in and we'll go and see my friend. Oh, I can't wait. Let's go. Come on, Sammy. It's up this pathway. But we've been walking for hours and I'm tired. Well, I'm sorry about that, but we're trying to find your parents. Couldn't you park the car closer? No, it disturbs the spirit. Oh, all right. No, but we're almost there.

Come on. It's very dark here. We're almost at the spot. Here we go, just through this copse. Who's that? Ooh, gribble, globble, slipple, blobble, bleeple, blobble, deeble. I'm Moatsy Fibbage in the flesh.

Blubble with the gribble, globble, and the slipple, flibble. I'm Mulchy Flippage in the flesh. With the gribble-grabble and the slibble-flipple. Who have you brought this week? Oh, hello. Hello, Mulchy. Oh, hello, Professor Whippy. Hello, Mulchy. Yes, this is little Sam. Oh, gribble-grabble, Sammy, whammy, blim-blim, glum-blim, nubble.

Yes, and Sam has lost his parents. I've lost my mummy and my daddy in the woods, Mr Moochie. Yes, he has, and we thought, because you know all the ins and outs and nooks and crannies. I know every blimble and every blobble of this wood. I know every cribble and every crobble. I'll find your parents. Oh, blimble, blimble, blimble, blimbble. I'll find your parents. Oh, blim, blim, blom, blim, blom, blim, blom, I'll find them.

You've just got to come a little closer so I can read your thoughts. It's right, Sam. Go and step closer to the multi-fibbage. Should I? He's a little bit frightened. No, it's fine. It's fine. Just step a little bit closer and maybe multi-fibbage has something to say about your parents.

Yeah, come closer. Are these your parents? Fibby, Fibby, Fibby, Fibby, Fibby, Fibby, Fibby. Is that my mummy and my daddy in your tummy? Oh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. they're just having a nice sit-down. Come closer. Oh, look closer, Sammy. What are they doing in there? Sammy, it's fine. I'm a professor of ice cream.

I wouldn't fool you. Come on, you just need to see a little bit closer. Come closer. Step closer to the box. Blim-blim-blubble, closer. Please, please, Sammy. Closer. Step closer.

Closer. Step closer. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Closer. Step closer. Closer. Oh, dear God. What have I done? What have I become? Why have I got this compulsion

to feed the bog man? You'll be back next time and I'll give you more power for your ice cream van. Yes, the power for the van. I need it. Say this though, that boy was a little bit too chewy for my multi

little blog. Oh, how about next time I stick a 99 up him? That boy was a little bit too chewy for my multi-living blood. Oh, how about next time I stick a 99 up him? Ooh! Well, that was a sketch. That was really something. Grumpy, Grumpy, come here. That was a bit dark, wasn't it, for a comedy sketch? Well, that's, you know, in the modern day and age, that's what sells. What, like feeding children to bog monsters? It's a horror children's show mash-up.

No, fair enough. Can I go back to the green room? Yeah. It's all going off. All right, we'll go back to the green room then. All right, fine. Just seem a little bit kind of out of place for a charity comedy night show. That's all I'm just saying.

Anyway, right, we're live. We're still going on. We're still we're live. We're still going on. We're still live, Paul. We're still going, but let's remind you once again of where your money is going. Dial one. Dial one right now. But here's a little video just to show you where your money's going. Roll VT. It's another day like any other on the high seas.

Ooh, arrr. And here is Captain Blue Balls, an experienced pirate, going about his daily chores. He has a very important position managing a whole pirate ship. Go on there, over to Davy's Locker, you bro. But Captain Blue Balls has an issue, and it's a problem that affects more pirates than you would have thought. It's a problem that affects more pirates than you would have thought.

Who are you? It's a problem that isn't out in the open. People don't talk about it. We bloody don't. It affects one in four... Thousand. One in four thousand. One in four thousand pirates and privateers of the high seas.

Hello, Captain. Hello there, Eloy. Arr, thanks for seeing me. Now, we're here from Red Knob Day. Oh, I've got a fucking... Talking about Red Knob, I've got blue balls, mate. I don't know how that works. Seems a bit insensitive to the likes of me.

Now, we're hoping to raise money, pieces of eight. Oh, arr. And what are they called? Plantoons. What are they called? I know what you mean. Those little gold coins. Buckaroos. Buck, horror. And what are they called? Plantoons. What are they called? I know what you mean. Those little gold coins. Buckaroos. Buckaroos.

No, that's a toy, isn't it? That's a toy. Now, perhaps you can explain how you got this problem. Debloons. That's the one. Debloons. That's the one. We got it. We're hoping to raise a lot of doubloons and pieces of eight. Now, Captain, perhaps you could explain when you first started to have your problem.

Well, I was just a young whippersnapper, just a young private ear on the seas, and I wanted my own ship. I wanted to be a pirate of my own, so in desperation, I made a pact with the god Poseidon of the sea, Poseidon himself, Poseidon, and I was Poseidon myself

when he agreed to give me my own first command of a pirate ship, the Mischievous Herring. Oh! He gave you command of the Mischievous Herring? Oh, I did, indeed. And that was a very good ship. However, however I angered him. What did you have to pay in return?

I had to give him my ability to spank, so now I am cursed. I am cursed, so I am to get hard, to fly the mast. But unfortunately, I can never throw myself from the crow's nest no more. So you, just to be clear, you cannot achieve male ejaculation. No, no matter how stiff and hard

I get, no matter how much my balls swell with yearning, I can't. I can't emit seed. Oh, I can't. I can't emit seed. Oh, I can't. You look at these. Look at those big blue plums. Oh, look at them all.

And when does this problem affect you? Does it affect you all the time? All the time. I'm a constantly aroused pirate. And since that day with Poseidon... We can't do it. I can't squirt out my old day with Poseidon... We can't do it. I gotta squirt out my old mother of pearl. Please.

I can't do it. Please. I just need help. Please help Captain Blue Balls and other... Just a piece of eight. Pirates who aren't able to ejaculate. Maybe just a little bit of money could maybe buy some porn that would shock me into ejaculate.

You know, like a dog thing or something. Please dial 1 or text 4444. Help Captain Blue Balls on Red Nob Day. Yeah. There you go. Just another one of the great causes that you could help out tonight by dialing 1 or texting 4444 and putting cheap show and your donation, sending it our way,

and you could be helping out one of these fantastic charities tonight. Really moving. Really, really. You don't normally think, Paul, about what pirates go through when they can't come. But now hopefully we've opened people's eyes a little bit more. We've opened people's eyes to not being able to spank pirates. It's a real thing.

But anyway, look, the entertainment continues on Red Knob Day 2023, and it's now time for something very, very special. Now, we've got a very special guest, and they've created a song for us tonight, which is going to go on sale tomorrow to help continue to raise funds for this event. But let's, ladies and gentlemen,

give the biggest round of applause so far tonight to everyone's favorite Sasquatch of rap, Wyatt Teen Yeti. Hello, thank you. Yeah, thank you very much. Teen Yeti. Hello, Eli. Hello, Paul.

Hello to you. Thank you so much. It's great to see you guys and it's wonderful to be able to, you know, write music. I'm blessed. I'm privileged to be able to produce music and when it's wonderful to be able to you know write music I'm blessed I'm privileged to be able to produce

music and when it's for a special cause you know the characters Cheap Show have been so good to me

I thought I'll come out here and come around to the studio and I'll do something really special this is something close

to my yesy heart one of them because you have two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've got a little one also. How many hearts do you have? I have three hearts.

Three hearts? Yeah. You've got the two main ones. Yeah. One under each breastplate. Tit, tit. So then there's one where? Yeah, where the chocolate's made.

It's made, isn't it? We're just skipping the lemonade segment then, are we? No, you've got another heart tucked down there. Right, okay. Near the prostate on you.

That's definitely where the chocolate's made. It's near where the chocolate... So how have things been? Where the wagon nuts are made. How have things been for you anyway in the time... It's been a while.

Well, you know, I've been doing the music always in my studio, but I've also been side learning because there's a recreational market for... Has everyone got a cold tonight? Oh, no.

Sorry. I've got a bit of a runny nose. I've got no fine gold cans. What's it been getting up to? Sorry. I've been... Well, there's a recreational legal market for psychoactive wagon nuts in the US now. And so I've been...

They're doing trials of these. Oh, no. They do them. They smoke them. They do everything with them. So I've been sending those over. And I've been doing tours of these. Oh no, they do them, they smoke them, they do everything with them. So I've been sending those over

and I've been doing tours of the male cock pants. People love it, you know, because there's a lot of natural

caves and they can see the studio. Big scribble turnout. Oh, the scribbles, they're running

everywhere, scribbles, people love them. They pick them up and I say, oh, don't pick them up because

the problem with a scribble, they are gorgeous creatures but they see a little hole and they try and ram themselves. They swim up urine, don't they? They smell. They're very good noses and they can smell

anything and they try and ram themselves in there. Right in there. I've been there. I've crossed that path. So I have to have signed up and you can watch the scribbles. If you do come to Mount Glop Plants,

you can watch the scribbles, but only from a safe distance. Fine. Well, look, what have you got for us tonight? What was your inspiration for this official Red Knob Day 2023 song?

Paul, you know, as I said, it made me look inward to myself and think oh i have been lucky as a cryptid i have been accepted i have my own territory it's very important it's very to have an area which you frequent and people see you you know and tonight i will write a song about all those cryptids out there beautiful uh who haven haven't got an area of land to inhabit, and they need it. They do. They need it.

And your donations could help tonight find a Sasquatch or a Yeti or any cryptid at all a home that's safe. Mothman. Mothwomen. Mothman's out there. He's looking for a place to stay. Those horse ones that live in box. The Jersey Devil.

The Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. He's looking for a gas. There's a whole lot. A lot of people don't know, but there's a Jersey Devil. There box. The Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. He's looking for a gas. There's a whole lot. A lot of people don't know, but there's a Jersey Devil. There's a New Jersey Devil.

There's a Rhode Island Devil. There's a Birmingham Devil. So, without any further ado, could you please introduce your song? Okay. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure. You can get this song tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. In shops, so buy it. Oh, ho, ho. Tonight, playing live, raising cash for Red Knob Day, it's Teen Yeti with what is it? This song is called Cryptid's Paradise. Ladies and gentlemen, take it away. Oh yeah, thanks to Red Knob Day letting me have my say.

It's Teen Yeti. Against me don't bet. All the mythical creatures, yeah. Got something to say. Cryptozoology has always been a word that's important to me. And although I mainly say I'm a yeti, I stand up for the whole community. Now, whether you're a goblin or a yeti smoking snow, at the end of the day, you need a place to go. Where does it pogo go?

Yo, well, if you're asking me, you know I just don't know. It even gets hairy for the two fairy when they build a fucking car park on a little prairie. I'm dreaming of a place where everything is nice. I guess you'd call it cryptids paradise. Scream it for the cryptids. Yeah, big daddy Bigfoot, everybody. Kypho, the mythics out there. Yeah. Waylon. Wow.

Fucking hell, that was, I mean, pardon my French, but that was absolutely excellent. Amazing stuff. Hard-hitting stuff from Mr. Teen Yeti there. And I hope it's rang a chord with you at home, and it compels you to buy that track tomorrow. Struck a chord is what Paul was trying to say there. That is what I was trying to say. Thank you, Eli.

Rang a chord. Anyway, I can't believe they got Daddy Bigfoot for that as well. Amazing. I can't believe it got Big Daddy Bigfoot for that as well. Amazing. All the stars come out. Yeah, Tine, he really has this affinity and ability to pick up the new talent that's coming through. And there he's reached out, and it's great to see the different generations of cryptid rappers.

So there you go. Wonderful stuff. Again, buy that track tomorrow from your record stores. All the money goes to red knob day and as we like to say if you've bought your red knob for the occasion we like to say this is what we like to say we do like to say it if you fancy a giggle give your knob a little wiggle give your knob a little wiggle wiggle wiggle red knob wiggle it about for charity if you've got a plan give that knob head a little twang yeah that's we should have gone through that in rehearsal. Don't drop that on me live.

If you like to josh it, give Red Knob a big old shabby up the mountain. Yeah, no, we're going to just pull out of that one. Pull out, come on her back. Anyway, we've been going for a while now, so it's time to check in on the donations, see how much we've raised so far. Now, just a little while ago, it was £500. That's a great amount. Let's see how much it is right now. Let's have a little look now. And a little while ago, it was £500. That's a great amount. Let's see how much it is right now.

Let's have a little look now. And here we go. Hit it. It's £50,000. £52,540. I mean, that's great. No, but Paul, how is that possible? I don't know. that's great No but Paul How is that possible?

I don't know It's great news for the charities but that's a lot of money Where's that coming from? We've only got Maybe it's a big hit and everyone's donating

But no one even knows about our podcast We might have some big whales or something who are donating tons of money I don't know Anyway

£52,000 £52,000 Excellent work. Whoa. Whoa. Amazing. Now, I think it's about time

we now go back to the phone booth nest and see who's manning the phones and what they're getting up to. Hi, I'm Suze Kempner and I'm supporting Red Knob Day 2023. Red Knob Day, when it first arrived on the scene,

obviously was seen as something funny by some people, but through the work of people like Anna and Eli, Red Knob Day is now something that's taken very seriously and rightly so. The work they do is so, so important. It's the reason I got into charity in the first place. And I just, I just feel very strongly that the work must continue. Thank you, Gannon and Eli. Thank you for the work you do on Reb Nob Day. Hi, I'm Tom Mayhew and I'm supporting Red Knob Day 2023.

This is mainly because Red Knob's Day doesn't really support modern day comedians. They care much more about just booking the same comedians who've done it for the past 30 years. So I thought, yeah, this is the future. Red knobs are the future. Because without red knobs, we might all end up green behind the ears. What could be worse? Oh, mind the cables, mind the cables. Oh, it's wacky and it's live here. Come on, come on.

Sorry, it's coming through, coming through. And who have we got here on the phone? Now, you recognise them. Wow, they've been telling stories for generations and he's here tonight taking your calls. It's Storytime Grandpa. Yes, madam. No, it was genitals, definitely.

It wasn't just chewy spam. No, so it was... Storytime. Oh, excuse me, madam. No, it was genitals, definitely. It wasn't just chewy spam. No, so it was... Story time. Oh, excuse me, madam. Thank you very much for your donation, madam. Thank you. Goodbye. Thank you.

Oh, hello. How are things with you? I am so good, so I am, so I am, Paul and Eli. So it is, I am. Now, here's the interesting thing. I'm on the pipe. I'm having a whale of a time. You've been minding the phones, taking donations.

I've got little snack trays. Now, you also, before the show started, you had your own little fundraiser, didn't you? You decided to eat as many testicles as you could in an hour for charity. Now, how many did you eat? I managed, so I did manage, so I did manage 75 testicles.

75 testicles? Is that 75 purrs or 75 single testicles? Single testicles, but I also ate a scrotal snack. So, a boosie bonus for you. And how much have you raised? I've raised 200 pounds in just the last 10 minutes.

200 pounds, well done. People are calling me. What kind of wacky calls have you had? I've had people, you know, so I have, Paul. I've had people calling and, you know, they want to donate. But they're also very interested in the stories I have. Are they really, though? They say, story time granted, they say to me.

They say, so they do. They say, what are the stories you have, story time, Grandad? But they're all the same. From the war. Yeah, but they're all the same. From the wars you've been in, story time, Grandad. We're going to move on from this. And I say, well, there's one story.

Well, we don't have time for another story. I was in a bunker. We literally don't have time for you to eat more testicles. And we were starving to death. We don't want time for another story. When I was in a bunker, so I was. I was in a bunker. For you to eat more testicles. And we were starving to death. We don't want to hear this. So we had to eat bollocks, so we did. Why don't you man the phones again? I've got a call coming through now, so I do.

I'll let you go. Fuck off. Hello. Red Knob Day. Storytime Grandad speaking, so I am. And who is Eli talking to over there in the corner? Paul, I'm over here and I'm talking to Adolf Manson. Yes, baby.

Yes, he's taken the night off from being a bartender in a trendy nightclub in Berlin. It's cool, baby. It's cool. Okay, hello, Mr. Manson. Yeah, it's cool, baby. I just love being here, baby. It's so sweet and fine and I'm just taking course number nine on the line. And what kind of money have you seen coming in for Red Knob Day? Well, I've seen quite a lot of groovy coins coming in. People giving anything from the penny to the pound to the two pound to the three pound to the four pound.

Brilliant, brilliant. The most I've ever had, five pounds. Okay, brilliant, Mr Manson. They're cool babies. They're such a cool baby. I give them kissy on the phone like this. You give them kissy down the phone? I go, for every pound cool baby. I give them kissy on the phone like this. You give them kissy down the phone? I go, for every pound you give, I give kissy. Give them a little kissy down the phone.

Just a little kissy down the phone. Yes, I do. That's very good. Thank you so much for coming in. Yeah, it's been groovy. And you're going to stay with us? I'm here all night, baby. Are you going to have a little break in a minute?

Go back to the... Actually, I've got... You know what? That's a good point. I've just got to pop backstage for a groovy time, baby. One sec. Okay, he's gone back there. That's...

He's back on the phone. Are you back on the phone now? Now, who else is on the phone taking donations? How much money do you want, bitch? Paul, are you with someone else over there? I am. I'm over here with one of our most cherished characters on Cheap Show.

He brings us the soda every week and then we rate them. So, why? Oh, my boys, my boys. Here he is. Here he is. Why indeed? Oh, little old juicy Jeremy sitting here taking a call on the old telephonator. Who's looking after your rupee, then?

The old rinky-dinky telephonator. Oh, the jalopy's out there in the parking lot, and I can see through the window. I can see my jalopy's all right. Yeah, now I can see it out the window. It's shining in the moonlight like old Percy May. You know who that was? What? Old Percy May was a little lady who used to have a little liaison with my papi.

My papi, Big Jay. They used to call him Big Jay. I've been here. Oh, Big Jay. I'm just getting a message in my ear telling me to tell you to shut up and just tell, what? How much money have you raised, says Jimmy in the room. I've raised £7,000.

Jimmy, I can't help it, Jimmy. They just go off on one when you talk to them. Oh, I've got a call coming through. They just want the limelight, Jimmy. I can't. I'm getting him to stop. Sorry. Sorry. Jimmy wants me to tell you to stop. Oh, poor my boy, my boy. We're running behind. Oh, my jalopy and etc.

Oh, I'veopy and et cetera. Oh, I've got a call coming right now. Do you mind if I take it? Hello? Oh, Red Knob Day. Juicy Jeremy. Esquire speaking on the old telephonator. How can I help you, madam? Right, well, we're going to leave the foot people planning the calls now.

We're going to head off and get the next part of the show. Oh, that's super characteristic. Wonderful. You've given us such an old-timey donation. Oh, wonderful. Jimmy's saying, can you shut up a little bit? Can you keep it quiet? Okay. You're still on mic.

Right, well, we've got no more time for that. We're going to have to move on and head to our next signature performance on Red Knob Day. Join us. Hi, I'm Ethan Lawrence and I'm supporting Red Knob Day 2023. Now there are plenty of reasons why this charity deserves your support. All of the incredible work they do in the communities and indeed some people just enjoy the spectacle at the main event. But, you know me. I'm a Cheap Show fan.

You're a Cheap Show fan. So much like your Envision, I enjoy it when the boys create a thinly-veiled knock-off of something that actually exists and then pretend it was an original idea. Happy Red Knob Day! Hello, everyone. It's Stuart Ashen here,

also known as Ashen's or Monkey Boy Stebbins. I just wanted to add my support to Red Knob Day 2023. Paul and Eli have put in a lot of work for what is really an exceptional cause. I've got no idea what they're using the money for, or where it's going, or... Actually, that's a bit of a worry. I don't know what the hell they're doing. Is it too late to pull out of this? Hello, I'm Morgan Freeman. Please join me in supporting Red Knob Day 2023.

In all my long and storied career, I have never before encountered a cause of such immense importance. I myself sold my entire collection of acorns and donated the proceeds. Admittedly, I only had three acorns and they were quite literally worthless, but it's the thought that counts. Probably. Anyway, I have to go now because I'm in a film or something.

Thanks, Paul. And now we have an exclusive musical performance here on Red Knob Day. They're beloved characters and they've just recently got engaged. So, of course, everybody, it's Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim with their rendition of Please Go Squishing My Turds. Squishing. Squishing. Squishing My Turds.

Thanks, Paul. Squishing Squishing Squishing my turds Thanks Paul Will you dance with me? I'd love to dance with you my dearest Please come to the stage And let's have a little bit of a sing song too Let's have a little squish off Here we go my darling Let's sing a song Please go squishing my turds

I will squish in my turds I will squish in your turds Oh honey, if my bowels get restless I'll be there to squish out whatever comes out Squish it down So go on, squish on my turds I will be squishing your turds Oh honey, when I scat on the floor I will squish it right in

With my big boots I squish it in Ooh, and nobody knows it When I squirt brown, I squish it down Ooh, and nobody knows it. Right when I shart, I squish it all round. Ooh, I squish it all round. Squish it down, squish it down. So go on, squirt my shart.

I will be squishing it down. I apologise for that, darling. I'll be squishing it. I'll be squishing it down. I apologise, it's a live show, I'm a bit nervous. That's OK, darling, as long as you produce fecal matter, it'll be the squish. And nobody told us.

I'll be squishing your shit. But now you've got to squish on my gravy. I think I can manage that. I'll squish it down. Shh. Camera three. Camera two. Camera three.

Camera three. Camera three. Keep on top of that. Jimmy, one minute. Yes, Randolph. Just come over here. Okay. Into this quiet little nook. Jimmy, one... Keep on top of that. Jimmy, one minute. Yes, Brandoff. Just come over here. Okay, okay. Into this quiet little nook.

Now, Jimmy. Yes, boss? How's it all going? Like vis-a-vis taking all the money? Right, well, we are going to circumnavigate that money through a few offshore accounts. They're going to go bing, going to go bang, going to go bong. They're going to hit our system, register on our charity board.

And then you've converted it into Rothcoin. Yeah, we're going to convert it into Rothcoin. Into tethered Rothcoin. And then we're going to throw it over to some kind of Cayman Island thing. I don't know whatever it is. And it comes out as money. It comes out as real money.

Yeah, real money. Okay, and then you put it in the suitcase. Yeah, and we'll put it in the suitcase and we'll get the fuck out of here. And how's it going in the green room? Are they suspecting any of this? How can they suspect stuff? They're on the wacky town. They don't know fucking shit right

now. Have you heard this song? Have you heard what they're singing? Alright, alright, good. Ruff, ruff, ruff. And of course, I'll be expecting my share for the cocaine that you're selling. I got... we can buy more of that. We can buy more of that with the money we're gonna make. Have you been getting high on our own supply, Jimmy Ruff Ruff? I can't speak..., capital, capital! Right, and also, I need to do one or two things to, you know, sort out, you know...

You've got some business things to do. Yes, I got it. At the end. And so, could you just elongate your magic act or whatever it is you're doing? Yeah, but how much more do you need? Five minutes, ten minutes, what do you need? Well, I need about an hour, Ruff Ruff. You need me to do magic for an hour?

Well, just elongate what you do already, Ruff Ruff. Perhaps instead of cutting the lady in half, you could cut her into quarters. Oh, okay, I can make that work. Take twice as long. Listen, listen, when do you want to get out of here? Right when they do the fucking awful, roughest, stupid song right at the end.

Oh, the big finale song? You get the daimler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you've got it sorted where we're going after, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah., the big finale song. You'll get the, you'll get the game, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you've got it sorted where we're going after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we've got it. We'll get the car going.

But they're all going to be on stage, all singing their little hearts out. We're going to be razzing and bedazzling. We'll be razzing and, as you say, bedazzling. But where are we going?

Has it got a roundabout? I don't know. No more roundabouts. We're going from this point on, buddy boy. Could I just pretend there was a roundabout? Yes, if you want, we can go to somewhere that's full of fucking roundabouts where we're going from this point on, buddy boy. Could I just pretend it was a roundabout? Yes, if you want, we can go to somewhere that's full of fucking roundabouts.

Good, rough, great. Right, listen, I've got to get back. We're getting to the end of this song, so I've got to go back to the studio. All right, Jimmy. No, we'll do something like some noise searching. I don't know what's coming to you, lady blops. Oh, it's an intimate twister. And remember, all these talented acts are giving their time for free tonight Ultimate Twister. our phone nest here and speak to some of our characters and give what you can and also you

can also text you can text cheap show and your donation to four four four four give generously the money's going to a very very very good place on red knob day now back to the show i hope everyone's enjoying red knobob Day as much as I am. Paul, I'm getting a red knob. I'm getting a red... I don't even need to wiggle my knob on. You don't indeed. I'm getting seepage.

It's not Red Seepage Day, is it? No, I hope the seepage isn't red. It's looking quite clear, to be fair, with a slightly milky hue. Milky hue? Anyway, no characters, whatever you do. Just put a pin in Milky Hugh for next week. We can't be inventing characters, honestly, because they get angry.

That's what this whole thing's about. Just put a pin in it for next week. I want to bring in Milky Hugh. I put a pin in Milky Hugh. I really want to bring him in. We can't. We've got to crack on with the live show. Yes.

And thank you for tuning in, and thank you for all the donations. It's an incredible amount of money. Really, truly unbelievable amount of money. Wow, well, let's take a look at the monetary... Shall we have a look, Paul? Because it was 50 grand last time. Very strange. Frankly, unbelievable.

But let's see what it says. Show us the donations tonight. $250,000 250,000 pounds on the nose weirdly 250,000 pounds exactly there doesn't seem to be

any in-betweens no in-between numbers it just jumps every time we look at it still good for charities

it's great for the characters. It's great for all the cryptids. All the cryptids out there. All the orphan boys. All the pirates. Non-ejaculating pirates all over the world. They're all going to benefit tonight. Well, listen, look, I think we've got another act coming up now and it's a special one as well. Oh, it's so special. This is a beloved character

from the very early days of our existence, Paul. He's done all sorts of things over, Paul. He's done all sorts of things over the years. He's been a cop. He's been a judge. He's been a criminal. He's been a special agent. Yeah? Yes. An acting agent.

Oh, he's dabbled in that. Yeah, he's done everything. He's a jack of all trades and a master of quite a few. Everybody, it's Jimmy Biscuits. Hey, I'm coming down from the booth. Come on over, Jimmy. Come on. And of course, along with all of the other stuff, you've been running the show backstage tonight.

I have. I have been up in the control booth moving the cameras from A to B to B to A. I've been saying camera one, camera two, camera three, hand on three, go to two. Keep it on, Eli. Pull out, pull in, push it, move it, shake it all about. You do the hokey-cokey and you definitely, uncertainly move about.

You do move it all about. Yeah, that's what I do. Jimmy. Yes? You've got an act for us tonight. I do. I got the act of all acts. This is yet another string to your bow.

Oh, yeah. Yet another talent hiding in that. Oh, yeah. Behind those orange-tinted glasses of yours. You have no idea the skills and tricks and turns I can do. So what kind of show have we got now from you? I'm a tricky man. Yes, that's right.

He's being coy, everyone. Yeah, a tricky man. But tonight I'll be doing my magic show based on the Child's Magic set made by Paul Daniels. I'll be doing the Paul Daniels Magic Set toy show review. And I can say now, Jimmy, because it's official, you're unveiling his new magician character. It's the great Jiméz, everyone.

I am the great Jiméz. And if I go... Great Jiméz, everybody. Here I go with my magic. Hello, everybody. It is the great Jim Ez. I am a magician. I have been in the magic circle, the magic square, and my lady's magic triangle.

Oh, yeah. I've pulled a few things out of that secret magic box. Yet, while it's a family show and I can't talk about Clonch on a magic show, what's all this? Anyway, here we go. One, two, three. I got this. And I've got to do some magic tricks for got this and i've got i gotta do some magic tricks for you tonight i've got paul daniel's magic set i've got marvin magic set i've got even

martin daniel's magic set it's the best magic set of them all i got them all we gotta do some simple tricks but i can't do this alone i've got my new helper oh you, you're going to love him. He's a magic muse to me. Please welcome my sexy assistant, Milky Hugh. Oh, hello, everybody. Hello. Hello, Milky. Now, I have a few cards for you. Here we go. Now, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Now, take a card. Oh, I don't know which one to choose. Just take any goddamn card. Oh, I don't know. Please take a card, Milky. Okay. This looks like a nice one. Right, now look at the card. Oh, it's the two of hearts. No, don't tell me the fucking card, dipshit.

Oh, sorry, I'll take another one. All right, take another card. I haven't done much of this before. Look, all you gotta do right now is take a card from my Marvin Magic set. Oh, which one? Just take the king of ace. The king of ace? done much of this before. Look, all you gotta do right now is take a card from my Marvin Magic set. Which one? Just take the King of Ace. The King of Ace? The King of Ace.

Take the King of Ace. I don't think that exists. Let me have a think now. Hold the card to your head. Is it the King of Ace? Yes. Right, it's the King of Ace. That's right now. Okay, here we go. Now, watch the ball. Go get the trolley. Go get the trolley for the next trick. Now, here we go. Now, watch the ball.

Go get the trolley. Go get the trolley for the next trick. Now, here, ladies and gentlemen, keep your eye on the ball. Where's the ball? Where's the ball? Is it here? No, it's here. I just saw you throw the ball behind.

No, please, Milky. Sit down. I've got the vantage point. This is the cup and ball trick. One of the oldest tricks in the magic book. He threw it all behind. No, shut up, Milky Hugh. Oh, shall I get the other trolley then?

Shut up, Milky Hugh. I'm fat enough with this. Sit down. I'm doing me magic book. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Was it the number six? Well, was it? No, stay away.

I'm trying to ask the camera lady if she knows it's the number six. What? No, it's not the number six. Well, was it? No, stay away. I'm trying to ask the camera lady if she knows it's the number six. What? No, it's not the number six. Twelve. God damn, poor Daniel's told me this would be a simple tweak. Mr. Biscuit, sir? Yes, what do you want? Could it be I've got an idea for another number?

It might be. I'll tell you what. Bring out the saw and the lady. The trolley. No, bring out the trolley with the lady and the saw and the box in half. I don't really know. Go and bring that the box i've apparently got to do her in quarters now quarters i ask you what's all the quartering of a lady hung drawn and quartered i don't know how magic survives this is a real sword ladies and gentlemen made of sword material

and i'm gonna right what's your name, love? Oh, she's a mannequin. I mean, she's a man in a box. A woman in a box is what I meant to say. Do you want me to do the voice? I've got 45 more minutes. Can you do something?

We've got 45 more minutes. I tell you what, we won't saw the lady in half. We're going to do the vanishing rabbit twig. Oh, here we go. And I pull into my... Reach down into my pants. And I pull out a little big rabbit.

It looks more like a naked mole rat. Yeah, it does. So now Jimmy will reveal that The credit card is now no longer in the What is it? Envelope? And it's now actually in the grapefruit It's in the grapefruit instead Jimmy, Jimmy

Look, I show you God, I Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Yes You've been going for like 55 minutes. Yeah, no, that's about right. I've got a big show. No, it's been great.

I've got my pocket elephant impression to do. We've got to do the song at the end of the show. One second. You watch that, Brentov? It's all started? It's all started now? That's it. I'm all done with the magic show.

Thank you very much, Paul Daniels. R.I.P. I love ya Jimmy Biscuits Get the fuck out of here The great Jim Ez Everybody The great Jim Ez with a tiring selection of piss poor magic tricks

It was very bad, went on forever but you know, that's the way it goes That is the way it goes What's coming up next Paul? The great Jimmy. Thank you. Well, it's been a long show, but we're fast approaching the end of this wonderful and emotional telethon.

Red knob day. I hope you're wearing your red knobs right now. Wiggle it just a little bit. Acid grooves. Yes. No, don't say a little bit. Acid grooves. Yes. No, don't say that stuff either. Acid grooves. Listen, I think it's before we get to our big finale, let's just see one more

time what we've raised on the totaliser tonight. Yes, let's have a look. Let's have a look. Let's look at those numbers. £800,000. £800,000 pounds. 800,000 pounds. Which is clearly wrong. Jimmy, is that right? Is that really right? It can't be right.

Jimmy. I mean, it's great if you gave. Jimmy. Is that? He's not answering. Anyway, so we have our big finale now with a great outcome. Lots of money going to great charities. But I think it's time now we introduce our big finale now with a great outcome. Lots of money going to great charities, but I think it's time now we introduce our big finale.

Yes, it's a showstopper if I ever did hear it. What is it? It's the song. Oh, it's just a big song we're all doing. Yeah, we're all doing a song. All the people you've seen tonight, Lady Plopped, Biscuits, Charity Shop Vampire Juicy Jeremy Grumpy Sessions

Brandoff We're all going to come onto the stage Here in fact they are right now Here they all are Here they are Come on onto the stage Come on everybody Come on you lot

Come on No Don't do that Come on get up And line up there We're going to do our big song To say goodnight and goodbye And again

We can't wait To send you off With a smile in your heart Tonight Oh you with your red knob standing proud. Ladies and gentlemen, singing tonight, wave your knob. It's our Cheap Show charity players. Roll the song.

Right, stop this. Stop the music. Stop this. This has been an outrageous sham tonight. I'm sorry, who are you? Step back. I'm acting as a citizen of the police. Who's this?

And I'm here to announce and report malfeasance in this very studio tonight. Paul, what's going on? I am Arthur Point, and I have got shocking evidence about what's been going on. Sorry, you can't just come in here and just barge in.

We're doing a song. Who is this? Arthur Point? I am Arthur Point, and I demand the mic. Get out of the way. I demand the microphone. You sit down.

Stand over there. I've got things to say. Fucking hell. First of all, everyone listening, everyone watching, everyone listening to this, take heed,

cheap show, everyone involved, con men, scummers, they've taken your money and they've given it to private parties who I will soon be revealing. I'm sorry, what proof do you have of any of this? Just take a quick look at that totalizer. What does it say before?

Over 800,000. 800,000, that's a funny number, isn't it? Now check it now. Zero. Hey, why does it say zero all of a sudden? How can it be zero? Yeah, because it's gone. You dickheads are about to sing this song.

Brandoff and Jimmy Biscuits have been siphoning that money to other accounts, transferring it to bitrate bitcoins, NFTs and back to make real cash, and they're out the door with all your cash. You scummers. How dare you take the kindness of people's money? How dare you rely on the kindness of strangers and abuse them and their kindness and take their money and use it to feed this filthy podcast. I'm sorry, Mr. Point.

You're all disgusting here. We didn't know about... Where is... And they've got the police coming to check into all your dealings. You're obviously involved. Where is Brando? We have nothing to do with this. We don't know what's going on.

Where are they? I don't know. They should be on stage with everyone singing, but no. Where's Brando? I can't see him. Where's Brando? Look, there he is, coming out the back door. Yes, watch him. Stop. You come here. What there he is, coming out the back door. Yes, what's Brando?

Stop. You come here. What? What appears to be Roth. What's in that suitcase? My stuff. Roth. What stuff?

You didn't come in with a suitcase. You didn't come in with a big, heavy, brown bag. Well, look, there's actually a lot of things that go on behind the scenes. Ask him if it's full of money. It's full of money. Stop beating around the bush. Full of bloody money, that. No, these are simply the receipts.

800 grand. Ask him where that money comes from. Ask him it's a receipts. 800 grand. Ask him where that money comes from. Ask him. It's a bag full of bloody money. Ask him where it's come from. No, actually, Ralph, Ralph. Yeah. What's going on with this?

These are receipts from the donations, which the tax office insists on us delivering. Okay, but where's the money gone from the totaliser? Why is that all of a sudden gone? Oh, that's just a glitch or something. It's just the totaliser's just been... Where's the money? Oh, that's just a glitch or something. It's just the totalizer's just been... Where's the money? It's all safely in the foundation.

What do you mean, foundation? Well, we had to set up a non-profit foundation in order to process all the gifts and to give them out to whoever needs and to run this whole... Jimmy! Jimmy! They've rumbled us! Bring the daemon round

right away! I got our escape plan sorted. Get in the back! Get in the back! Wait! Wait! You fucking fools! Ruff Ruff!

We've done it again, Jimmy! You fucking dipshit! Get out of here! Back to the roundabout! See, I told you. Didn't I fucking tell you? We've done it again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've the roundabout. See, I told you. Didn't I fucking tell you? He's on the run. They've ripped us off again. They've gone... No, they can't have done this twice to us now.

They've ruined this podcast again. I bet they've gone back to the same roundabout as well. Well, we can send the police. We can send the police to the roundabout right now, but I'm not going... I'm not taking the fall for this one. I know. You see, you two, you've ruined this. You've ruined Cheap John because you put your faith in them once again. And look where it's gotten you. Egg on your face.

Well, they are original characters. Thank God there's another podcast coming up soon. There's what? There's another podcast that aims to take over the mantle of this frankly stained adventure. What are you going on about now? It can't be another podcast. I'm not going to say too much right now, but right now, your reputation's in the gutter and I think I know there's a podcast coming up,

a little plucky starter that's going to take the wind from beneath your wings. And you know what? I'm going to go tell the press. Well, you haven't got the characters. That's what this is all about. You haven't got the characters. Oh, they've got characters, mate. Don't you worry about that.

What do you mean they've got characters? What do you mean? We've got all the characters here. Yeah, don't you worry about that. No, I've got it all. So you know what? I'm telling the police. I'm telling the press.

You're all in the trouble now. I'm leaving before I... We're in the trouble. what, I'm telling the police, I'm telling the press, you're all in the trouble now. I'm leaving before I... We're in the trouble? Yeah, you're in the trouble right now, and I'm going to get out of here before I'm mucking my own hands in this filth, disgusting podcast. Absolute filth, disgusting podcast. Who is this guy?

I've seen him once or twice, but I don't know. Well, disappointing about... Mate, what are we going to do? This is our reputation that's absolutely been ruined. Well, we didn't have much of one, sir. No, true, but if they also find out about the fact that I won... Due to unforeseen circumstances, the rest of Red Knob Day 2023 can now no longer be broadcast. Instead, in its place, we're going to run out the rest of this slot with a repeat of an old favourite episode.

So let's take a look at some cheap show gold. Live from the House of Pickles, it is Your Envision 2020. Hello, everybody. Yerty here. You know what? I love your vision. I'm so excited, I've shat all over me. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Well, I hope everyone does very well. And women shouldn't be allowed to take part.

Unless they give me a blowy. very well, and women shouldn't be allowed to take part. Unless they give me a blow-in. Oh, I'm so excited to be here, and I hope to plop all over the stage later. Good luck. I'll be squishing them in. Squish, squish, squish. Howdy ho.

I am Jimmy Biscuits, And I can't wait for this Your Envision 2020 to get started Let's light the lights Let's start the songs Let's bring on the dancing girls