CheapShow - Ep 325: Mrs Miller and The Stardust Cowboy

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

After the disastrous events of last week, things return to normal for this week’s episode. Whatever normal means. It’s a music heavy episode as we take a trip to Silverman’s Platter to investigate some novelty pop songs from bygone times. They investigate Hanna-Barbera inspired rap, endure some space themed disco, and then brave the contents of “The World’s Worst Record Show” album, that has some truly troubling tracks. We apologise in advance for what you will hear. There is also time for a quick Gannon’s Golden Games, based on an old TV format. However, Eli may have truly ruined the segment forever and Paul is close to throwing in the towel. It’s all a bit of a shambles this week. OH! And we launch Urinevision 2023 too! Which is nice. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-325-mrs-miller-stardust-cowboy And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, hello, hello. Mr. Silverman, please take a seat. Okay, I'll just sit here. Now, this is Officer PC Smithington. Who is you? I am, yes, sir, and I'll be conducting this interview into the events of... Why did you say this is, then? I'm recording it on cassette for our police records, sir, so they can be pointed up at a later date. Are you a citizen of the police? Is that what it is? You're a citizen of the police?

No, that's not a real job, sir. I'm a policeman, and Mr. Silverman, you are in serious trouble. Please tell us what you were doing on the night of the Friday, the 17th of March, 2023. Well, what we were doing with my podcast, I was doing... And that is this cheap show podcast, sir.

I was doing a fundraiser for the characters on the show. They feel, for whatever reason, that they have been... Keep it together, sir. It's a very serious case. You're in a lot of trouble, sir. Where do you live, by the way? This is none of your business to question the police, sir. I think it's one of those rules. You're allowed to ask the police officer

if I can shit in your hat. Where were you born? Rill. What road? Let'sby Avenue, was it? Was it 999 Let'sby Avenue? I think, sir, it's very funny, isn't it, to make fun of a policeman's job when you're in quite a lot of trouble yourself, sir.

Did you have lunch today? Yes. What did you have? I had Irish stew. In this one instance, sir, yes, I was having an Irish stew for my dinner today, sir. But this is not the matter we are talking about. We want to know what you had to do with the theft of over £1.2 million, sir, in online illegal financial trading.

Nothing. I was just a fundraiser. Your show, sir, your fundraiser, quote-unquote, was actually a front for various terrorist and drug organisational money. Yeah, I know, but it wasn't us. It was Richard Brandoff. Have you heard of Richard Brandoff? Look on the police computer.

A lot of the people we've been interviewing have brought up this name. We've had a team. It was him and his henchman, Jimmy Biscuits. Ah, yes. Jimmy Biscuits has been on our books for a while, sir. Also known as the Great Jamez. Yes.

No, he goes by a fair few aliases. We've got them all written down here. Jimmy Biscuits, Bobby Biscuits, Alan Biscuits, Biscuits Biscuits. Biscuits Biscuits. Tim Biscuits. Biscuits Biscuits. Biscuits Biscuits. The Big Jamez.

The Great Jamez. The Hairy Jamez. The Hairy Jamez. Yes, that's what I want to give up a few times. The Jamez and Jamez. Yes. The Squirty Jamez great Jimmez The hairy Jimmez The hairy Jimmez, yes The Jimmez and Jimmez Yes The squirty Jimmez Jimmez, Jimmez He has very, he has a lot of aliases, sir

Jimmez, Jimmez Jimmez, Jimmez Just one of his, I don't find this funny, sir Sorry, I'm sorry, officer You are in a lot of trouble I am sorry, officer Now, what are your dealings with this Richard Brandoff, sir? Well, he is a character on our show, and he does a lot of work with us.

He has a segment which he... Now, you work with a... You say you work with him, sir. I just need to point this out. He is a wanted terrorist, murderer, crime lord, and sex fiend. We know, we know, but because of a contract we entered into him when the show was green behind the ears. So he funded your podcast, didn't he, for a while, sir?

Yes, we've got this bit on our podcast, right, where we take branded items and then the off-brand equivalent. This podcast sounds very poor, sir. We do a blind taste test. Doesn't sound as good as one of those Joshua Witty Cum podcasts I like to listen to. I'm not trying to sell you the podcast. I'm just trying to explain myself. Oh, I listen to the podcast, sir. You should be very ashamed

of what you put out. I'm not trying to defend it or anything like that. I'm just trying to say there's this segment which we call Off Brand Brandoff, and because of the similarity to this man's name... Listen, let's just skip to the end. Where is Richard Brandoff? You have associations with him. You have contacts with him. Tell us where he is.

He fled with all the money, which he somehow turned into actual cash by the end of the... And we didn't know anything about it. We thought it was a legitimate enterprise. Well, it turns out... I was just being hired as a presenter, essentially. So neither myself nor my co-host, Paul Gannon, knew anything about what was going to happen.

And we thought it was a legitimate charitable enterprise. Well, we have Paul Gannon in the next room speaking to one of our other officers, and we'll be interviewing him shortly. Oh, you do? Yes, we will. You do really, do you? And we believe we'll break him.

Well, he'll tell you exactly the same as me. He'll say, we had nothing to do with it, and we, in good faith, we wanted to support the charities that were claimed to be the beneficiaries of the fundraiser. Now then, now then, now then, Mr Ganon. Yes, sir. Mr Ganon. Am I in trouble?

Now then, now then, if you would like to take a seat at Her Majesty's pleasure and sit yourself there. Can I just ask a question? Now then, now then, now then. I believe I have the right to ask a question. Do you want to take a shit in my helmet? Right, two questions. Second, first question though is where, where, where, where, where are you, where do you live? I live in 999 Lipsby Avenue.

There's always bound to be one. I do accept bribes of stew of a certain nationality. Scottish? No, almost. I'll think of it eventually. So anyway, what am I here for? I've done nothing. No, I put it to you.

Yeah? You ripped off a lot of people with your sham fundraiser. What is it here? I've got it written down here. Red Knob Day, sir. Red Knob Day. Now, tell me, who is to blame for this massive theft of money from the public? Eli Silverman did it, sir.

Eli Silverman's a bad boy and he set me up and it's nothing to do with me at all. Everyone else, not me. I'm innocent and all these charges and I've done nothing wrong, your honour. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show

You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show, I'm Paul Gannon

You bastard And that's Eli Silverman Paul, before we get into it, I've been getting so many messages from Teen Yeti I mean, he liked the show and everything But he's going on about this lyric that you made him cut because of time, you said? Yes. But he's saying that he's got his lawyer now. It doesn't matter what he says.

He's got his lawyer involved. He signed a contract that said we get final cut. Well, that's not what he seems to believe. And he's very... Don't give a fuck what he believes. He did a charity single for charity, which apparently now was not a charity and a scam. So what's he going to do?

Sue us? Well, he's moaning about it. He's saying that you, as a friend of his, the lyric is. Oh, okay. Why don't you just say the lyric, Eli? Because you're so proud of it. I'm not proud of it. I can't. It's Teen Yeti. He won't get off my back. Let's just pull the curtains back

and show the beefy innards of the truth. Teen Yeti will not get off my back. And he won't. And he wanted the lyric to be included. Yeah, come on, tell me that lyric that he wrote that he's so proud of. You know, his song was all about cryptids. Yeah. And them needing a place to live and a place to haunt. Yes.

Or a domicile. Terror-wise. Yeah. The lyric was, cryptids need environs like Cree's shirts need irons yeah that's why it was cut wasn't it for pacing it's very good i think it's nothing to do with me well yeah well then you'll then you'll be fine when i say what a gobshite load of shit that fucking lyric was well and i'm glad i doesn't listen to the show so he might be angry he might be angry next time you see him that's what i'm saying so what should i say Tell him. I need to tell him something.

He won't stop calling me. Literally got this contract here that says, although he is writing the song for us, we get full editing final say in the final edit of the show. And it was only two seconds to get down for the track. He was saying something about having to pay. He now has to pay Big Daddy Bigfoot because of the percentage of the song. Well, that's between him and him.

We'd only hired him. He'd have won that extra lyric because he does these very... Yeah, but that's on him. His contract was between us and Team Yeti. He has to share a writing credit. He has to share a writing credit. Yeah, but he brought in Bigfoot of his own fucking accord, didn't he? So that's on him.

Big Daddy Bigfoot. I've spilt my coffee on my kegs now. He got angry. All right, I'll let him know what you're saying, okay, Paul? We didn't ask for Bigfoot to be in it. That's on him. If he goes in money,

he has to sort that out. Our contract was between us and fucking him. And we've got the police breathing down our neck. I know. We've got 1.2 million money floated

through our charity fundraiser last week. We've got bloody Squishy Jim and bloody Lady Blob arguing that their song was cut in for...

They didn't like that. I know, they didn't like that, did they? No. Milky Hugh's pissed off in a huff now. Milky Hugh is the standout, I think. Breakout star of that episode. We've got Orphan Boy and Blue Ball saying they were exploited.

Well, you did exploit Orphan Boy, didn't you? Yeah, completely. Because I thought we were raising money for charity. And I thought, if I took a few pictures of a poor person with me, ka-ching, right? Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

We raised money. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Hello. Where, week by week, we go through the charity shops, the bargain bins, the poundishlands of the poundish. Poundishland. Hello, poundish lands of the poundish land fuck off hello poundish land hello

I'm monkey Jim and I go to the poundish land to be fair pound land should be called poundish land because frankly fucking pound my knob land pound it off land

is that all you've got then go into pound land go to the back sit in. Pound it off, land. Is that all you've got, then? Go into pound land, go to the back, sit in an aisle, pound it off quietly. Quietly. Smother it. Like you're choking a baby bird. Push it down method. Have you ever had the push it down method? What do you mean push it down when you place a fully erect penis between your thighs?

I'll explain it to you. Please explain it to me. You don't actually wank it off, you just push it down. You just push it down, I'll explain it to you. Please explain it to me. You don't actually wank it off, you just push it down. You just push it down like you're pulling a pint. Do you know what I hate? When I wake up with a full bonk on

and the doorbell goes because it's a parcel and I've got to figure out where to put my erection before I get to the door to get the parcel. You should be having dirty thoughts in your sleep.

No! Most men get engorged during deep sleep and when they're coming out of it and that's when if you wake up early, you can wake up with a proper...

Sometimes I look down on that morning stalk and I think, why can't you be like that all the time? Yeah. Why can't my jam time foot erections be as firm as my morning would? Well, it really makes you think because it's a natural biological thing that happens.

Yeah. All those fucking evil... That's what I told the police in the park. Evil, pious religious people who tell young men that it's a... A sin. That it's a sin

and you literally wake up with it. Wake up with a big old rod. What are you meant to do with that? Well, I know what I'd do with it. You show it to the postman. You say, I'll swap your package for mine. How about that?

Oh, fuck off. You want me to slip it through the letterbox? Oh, this is... No, what I do is... This is the worst. What I do is I tend to like lift it up and then

tuck it on my waistband so it's kind of strapped in. That's a good hiding place. Straight up. Yeah, yeah. So that's what I usually do with my pajama bottoms.

I think that's a universal method. Yeah. Well, that's what I do and it's what's worked for me. Anyway, if you have problems with morning bongs, how do you hide them?

In a pie. In a pie? That's the theme of american pie is it yeah you decided to just i've never seen that film well good i'm glad you referenced it how many of they were loads of them weren't there there was like three official films and then there was a load of straight to video so funny he burnt his knob in a pie does he burn his knob it was because he cook his knob it was no get too hot and he cooks his knob like that man in the finders crispy pancake no you ever seen that headline?

I cooked my knob in a Finder's crispy pancake. That's the kind of lyric that you'd expect you'd expect Fingy Brightman, Sarah Brightman to sing. Foreshadowing. But, you know,

I burnt my cock in a Finder's crispy. I haven't had a Finder's Crispy pancake in ages. I think they're quite hard to find these days. I know, it's mostly like Iceland, I think, still selling maybe. It's those more sort of towards the bottom. Yeah, happy shoppery kind of things. A lot of those heritage sort of cheaper things have ended up in BM, haven't they?

Yeah. So it's kind of a nostalgia. I met this dirty girl last night and when I pulled her dress down fucking hell finned this crispy pie.

I didn't know where you'd use it now to describe. Fucking Frey Bentos hadn't risen. And then I pulled out my Savloy my sad Savloy

my sad weepy Savloy. Oh weepy's done it. Weepy's done it. The word weepy Savloy. Oh, weepy's done it. The word weepy always makes me laugh. I like weepy things. It's only, it's like the things that weep are like

wounds and wee-wees. Bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow-bow. My weepy Savloy. It likes to cry at night. I wake up in the morning when he's nice and hard and bright. I tuck him under my waistband as I go to get the post. But this is the thing I love to do the most. And here he comes now.

He goes... I've wept it all out. I'm the Savloy. The Savloy. And that's enough from Eli this week. Join us next week where Eli attempts a real sentence. Come round here. Come round it Coming up on the show today We have some vinyl joys

To bring you Anne Gannon's Golden Games Keeping it simple this week Although Oh are you going to sneeze or cough So you did then you fucking liar That's why I paused innit So you ready to go You look like you're really ill Can I just say that you look really ill So you did then, you fucking liar. That's why I paused, innit? So, you ready to go?

You look like you're really ill. Can I just say that? You look really ill. Do I? Like death's door ill. No, I don't. You look haggard. I do not.

You do. You look haggard. Stop projecting. You love this death projection. I'm not projecting death. You're the pure mortality projection machine. I'm not projecting anything. I feel fine. Well, you look like shit.

I do not look like shit. To mine eye, you do. I'm in projecting anything. I feel fine. Well, you look like shit. I do not look like shit. To mine eye, you do. I'm in a grey light. To my weepy eye, you look haggard. Just cut this bit and fucking start again. Start you again. You look like shit. I don't.

I've shaved. I've washed my grundle. My bits are clean. My hair is combed. Are you saying I look like I have a smelly, unwashed penis? I do not. And that is a sl. Are you saying I look like I have a smelly, unwashed penis? I do not. And that is a slur. I will slur too far.

Let me sniff it now and we can put this to bed. I will just pat the trouser area and see if any waftage comes off. Yeah, what kind of waftage are you expecting? Any meaty smells. What do you mean meaty smells? I washed it fucking within the hour. What, in a bowl of gravy? Did you wash your cock in gravy?

Is that what you do? It's called the gravy diet. Is it? The gravy diet. The bistro regime. The bistro regime. It helps with the dead skin. Yeah.

So you just dunk... So you take your junk out and you put it in a nice, I presume, mixing bowl-sized bowl. Well, no, you've got to get a thick gravy. You've got to get a thick gravy. You've got to get a real thick gravy. Now, do you go for beef or is it chicken? Do you like to mix it up? They suggest beef, but I've done bowl size bowl. Well, no, you've got to get a thick gravy. You've got to get a thick gravy. You've got to get a real thick gravy. Now, do you go for beef or is it chicken?

Do you like to mix it up? They suggest beef, but regular. It's fine. Chicken's fine. It could be a Knorr veggie as well. Knorr vegetable.

Get your Knorr out. I put my Knorr in Knorr. Yeah. No, but you put it in the fridge. You do it quite... What, your knob? No, the gravy. The gravy in the fridge. And then it's all quite semi-gelatinous. Yeah, and then you pull it out. And then that's when you put it in the fridge. You do it quite... What, your knob? No, the gravy. The gravy in the fridge.

And then it's all quite semi-gelatinous. Yeah, and then you pull it out. And then that's when you dunk it. Oh, and you dunk it. So you wash it cold in cold gravy. Yeah. Because the shock of the cold also helps with the... Full retraction.

The rejuvenation. Yes. The tightening. That's true. I think I mentioned this. Scrotal tightening. It brings... Oh, it's a sudden shock.

It resets your gut. Yes. So can you smell the gravy? What's... I've done my dick in? No. All I could smell is the death of fish. The death of fish.

Fish death. A fish death weft. It's coming from your belt area. Fish chimney. Right. I do some. I got to do some proper admin now. You got to do some.

Well, you fucking laid out the land and the layout for that, haven't you? Because we... Fuck off. I'm keeping that in now. You know. I'm keeping that in now. Come on. Oh, mate.

I'm keeping this in. This is a war crime. This is a pod war crime. You... Don't open the window and let it out. I don't want it. It smells like your balls in gravy. It's disgusting.

Shut up. You dirty fucking dog. You dirty fucking dog. I ought to rub your face in that. Don't put it. Don't. Now you've got the window open. Well.

And now all the outside noise is going to come in. Because I fucking care about you. Christ. That's a low point for you, that. That's a low point for both of us, that. Can I do some serious admin? I'm trying to let you, mate. I was just going about my business.

Your business stinks of fucking dog eggs. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, with that auspicious start, I can now formally announce the opening for entries to Your Envision 2023. We are doing the show on, what did we say?

On June 2nd, Friday, live. I haven't picked if we're going to do it on Twitch or YouTube, but it will be a live stream event. If you saw our, was it 2021 we did it last? Was it that long ago? Yeah, we didn't do it last year at all. It was within the pandemic. No, out of the pandemic.

We just didn't get around to doing it last year for various boring reasons. We also had the live show coming up, so that was kind of our main precedent that year. What was the last time we did it? We did it with the puppets. Was that the last time? That was the one we did the puppets

and we had all the video guests and we had like... Those fish crisps, I'm going to say. Fish crisps, yeah. Hopefully nothing like that will happen this year. Oh, no. Oh, it wouldn't. No.

There's no way that would happen. The show will go live on Friday the 2nd of June. It will be released as a podcast on the 9th with the video versions and all that kind of stuff. However, the deadlines are now open for you to submit your song. The deadlines are open? No. What's the word I'm looking for?

The entry. The entry is open. The grundle is open. Please. And please could you... Oh, God. We are now open to entries for your vision. I'm always for. The entry is open. The grundle is open. And please could you... Oh, God. We are now open to entries for your vision.

I'm always open to entries. For 2023's Your Envision. Just go down the spot from Pickle. There are a few very important things I need to stress. Could you just explain

to people who might have been listening for less than two years what Your Envision is, Paul? Your InVision is our version of Eurovision. But instead of it being a multi-whatever European country thing. It's a song contest. We want you to send us a track that you have made

and it can't be any more than two minutes. If it's two minutes and five seconds, that's fine. Whatever. But we're not doing anything more than two minutes. If it's two minutes and five seconds, that's fine, whatever. But we're not doing anything more than two minutes because some tracks get instantly disqualified for being too long. Yes, it'll just be a waste of your effort and everything else if you do make it too long.

It's mostly because we realise from doing it in the past that your vision can drag on. Your vision can drag on, right? So if we keep the song short, we can keep the voting short, we can have more fun with the show. Also, we're only going to have 10 finalists this year. Again, for running time purposes.

Yes, we're going to keep a trim and ship shape ship. Yeah. Tucked in, trim, trim, tucked into our waistbands. Totally. It's going to be totally snug in the pocket. So yeah, if you want your chance to be a finalist on your Envision 2023, bear in mind, keep it to about two minutes if possible. Paul.

Yes. Is there anywhere people can go to see what kind of songs we've had in the past? Because we have a huge range of different types of songs that people do. Yeah. Sometimes they do use vocal samples from episodes of the podcast. Sometimes original compositions. Sometimes they just write a huge original composition from the word scratch.

It doesn't have to have lyrics in either. It doesn't have to be funny either, does it? No, it doesn't necessarily have to be funny or... It can be. It could be whatever you want. The only stipulation is two minutes, please. That's it. If it's way too long,

it's an automatic disqualification. Now, we have to... We got a load of entries in for the last one and we boiled it down to like 13 tracks or whatever. I think it was 13 in the final, yeah. So we're going to get 10 this time out and we're going to try and pick 10 very different types of tracks.

Where can people hear the... Previous shows. Well, hear the entries. Are they posted on the website? So we have on our cheap show website, thecheapshow.co.uk, or even if you just type into Google, Your Envision 2020 or 2021, you'll go to those and you'll hear this.

And also it's on Bandcamp as well. Cheap Show, Your Envision are on Bandcamp. You can listen for that for free. Thank you. They're all our previous entries, including the winners. Some really great stuff in there. So we're hoping we can get a nice mix of the weird

and wonderful because some are really heartfelt and some are really touching and some are mad bad bollocks. We love it all. We do. But if you want a good chance of being in the final,

keep it to two minutes. Please. Because I had to turn away a load of really good tracks that were like four minutes long. Well, that's what I mean. It's just a waste of your effort if you make it longer than

two minutes to wrap this all up entries are now open as of release of this episode and the deadline to get them in I believe is the 5th of May Friday the 5th of May so people have about

what a month and a bit okay get them in yes and with them the show will be a month after that and then the show will be a month after that the beginning of June so your envision is open.

Huzzah! Now, open up the window, because this room still smells of your guts, Eli. No, it doesn't. It fucking does, and I want to honk. You're a dirty dog, and I'm going to rub your face in your shit one day. Listen, I saw the latest digitiser of you in the woods.

It looked like you'd eaten something very bad. Why? That'd make you grunt a lot. Yeah, well, I thought they were going to edit those out. They didn't, though, did they? I got done over like a kipper. Ah, stitched up like a kipper. Yeah, well, this segment's petered out.

They're fucking petered up. I've got my Peter out. I've got my Paul out. Oh! Hello, Peter. Catholic wank off. Hello, welcome to Silverman's Platters. This is the segment of the show with myself and Paul.

Listen to weird, wonderful, sometimes quite objectionable records and then we say what we think of them and then we give them a little mark. We either say it's a platter, which means we like it. Platter is what matters. Or it's a splatter, which means we'd it platter is what matters or it's a splatter which means we'd like to liquefy it and then throw it at a wall so it makes a splatter a mark very much like a serial killer stabbing someone and then the police uh by the marks left after the murder finds out are you all right i don't know how many times you want to redo this because that's fine that's fine

that's fine we'll keep that one in then that's fine. No, that's all right. We'll keep that one in then. That's fine. We'll do that. Very much like a homicide detective. If the track makes a clatter, we call it a splatter. Thank you. But if the track we think matters, we call it a platter. And it's nothing to do with blood splatters then?

No, it's really not all shit splatters or piss splash. Or fucking puke splatters. What's worse, shit splash or puke splash? Where is it going? Where is it splashing? My mouth. Into my mouth? No.

Are you saying would you rather someone puked into your mouth or shat into my mouth? No, I'm saying. Is that what you're asking? Because I'll do two minutes on that. I'm not giving you two minutes on fucking ass splash. Or puke splash. Or throat guns, yeah. I think we've done

about two minutes on it already we probably have actually about so spank fuck you know I just meant

if you were in an alleyway and you had to go for a pee would you pee nearest the puke or nearest the shit if you didn't have that much space

it's a good question it's a very good question because that is a real life thing I think yeah I was trying to It's a good question. It's a very good question. Because that is a real life thing. I think... Yeah. I was trying to apply it to your daily... As in, there's a little bit of toilet paper near, that is turning my stomach.

That is like... Yeah. That's the worst possible thing. And I'd much rather piss into some puke than that. Yeah. If it's just a dog turd, I'd probably go for that over the puke. So, depends the origin of the shit.

It depends on the presence or non-presence of nasty bum wipe. Can you spot, though, at a couple of paces, the difference between dog tods and man tods? Well, the man tods,

there's often a tissue. You know what I mean? You know what I mean. I know. You know. But sometimes you've seen guys You know, it's our male mammalian nose sense. Do you know?

Where did they get the tissue from though? Wherever. McDonald's. So what? They've gone to McDonald's grabbed a few whatever reason they can't

you know Serviettes. People do take shits. Oh I know. I know. Apparently outdoor fecalising that's not a word

during the pandemic. Do you remember those news reports? No. They said people are taking loads of shit outdoors. Why? Because they can? They don't know, but it's several factors, yeah. It's like, oh, I'm out for a walk.

No one's around because of lockdown. I'm going to drop my pants and just shit here. Yes. Well, it's just because, obviously, because everywhere was closed. So there were no toilets available. The venues were closed, but bowels remained open for all of lockdown. Yeah, they do remain open, yeah. Yes, well, anyway, should we fucking crack on with Silverman's Platter?

What are we talking about? So we have a few vinyl selections, one of which we're going to start with now. Okay. It came, I believe this is right, I hope I got this right, but Jake came to the show at the Leicester Comedy Festival. Thank you. Enjoyed the show, promised a few vinylsls there's a lot of stuff in that pack that weed i think those two uh moogs very quickly uh thank you very much one of these well what i

collect just generic genre moog records there was a whole thing where moog records in the 70s they do very much like uh other easy easy listening sort of tropes. Moog go disco, Moog go country, Moog go rock. And we had the country one was amazing. And Jake has sent me Romantic Moog, which is ballads. For L'Amour. Would you play that to get into a lady's knickers? I love this.

It's on the Contour label, which did put out a lot of these Moog records. Switched on Bach, switched on classics, switched on this. You know, there there's a whole they try and i've got spanish moog yeah viva this viva la moog it's called great i love this shit and i collect it is there is there like a heavy metal moog that must be right i think it's like a rock yeah the rock machine switched on rock i we did it in the show led zeppelin or whatever no don't you remember the um the quiz in the show yeah it was that version of uhing Jack Frash. Oh, I guess that does count. That was switched on rock.

I'm thinking like Van Halen or Led Zeppelin. Like heavy metal Moog. No, because I think the metal... Or Pantera. The real metal era started very late 70s, didn't it? It was hard rock before then. But Moog was still going to be evergreen for a while, wasn't it? Moog wasn't in the 80s.

The ARP, the ARPs had replaced Moog. Oh, I guess so. Yeah, the samples. And I think that they didn't do novelty Moog genre records when metal was a thing. Anyway, this is Romantic Moog on Contour.

Thank you very much, Jake. But even better. Yeah. Now this is actually, this is Moog Indigo created by Jean-Jacques Perry. Now, there's a track on this called EVA, which I have on a 7-inch single as well. Now, there's a track on this called EVA,

which I have on a seven-inch single as well. Yes. Which is a huge, it's just a fucking piece of genius song. EVA. And it has this E-V-A. Boom, boom. Boom, boom.

Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Play a bit of it now. You mean it's the Parkinson theme? No. Dun, dun. Diddle-a-diddle-a-d the Parkinson theme? No. It's got this groove.

I'm also not editing this in because this does not fall in, strictly speaking, to our vinyl platter. Check out EVA, guys. It's one of the best Moog instrumentals of all time. And it's very recognisable.

You'd recognise it. But this is the whole album. Thank you very much, Jake. I really, I mean, I really desire this. And this is going to take pride of place in my Moog collection. Thank you very much. Great.

Great stuff. Here's the thing. The one we chose from the selection that Jake gave us is also the one we have the least to say about, but not for the want of looking. Love those Moog records. This is just, it's a terrible record. So it is called Top Cat Rap. Top Cat Rap. Top Cat Rap.

And it's part of the whole novelty rap genre, which was huge in the 80s, wasn't it? You had Morris and the Miners. What was that called? Stutter Rap. But that was more Beastie Boys, I guess, because this is a bit more kind of jazzy Jeff. It's got a jazzy Jeff feel, hasn't it, in the Fresh Prince?

It's not good. The beat, when we were listening to it, I mentioned to you, the beat was giving me a migraine. It sounds like a two-year-old banging fucking drum machine. It's really sort of kind of an arrhythmic for some reason, isn't it? It's not a well-produced record. No. We're going to drop a clip of it in right now,

just so you can get a taste of this fantastic piece of music. Just a minute. Hold it, hold it. One of you guys is out of tune. Benny the Ball, she was fit. She tried to blank him, she tried to say no, but this cat was so persistent, he didn't want to go. They were walking back, hand in hand, I didn't know, but now I do.

This guy is Top Cat. Oh, like the real G.C. Top Cat, he's the biggest, the best. Top Cat, he is the most original. Most friends get to call him G.C. So bad, it's absolutely criminal. Top Cat, he's the leader of the gang. So there you go It is

Stutter rap There was You're just going to carry on Talking about other things Then in the past I'm just saying I'm trying to position this We've just played the track now so we don't need to we're just repeating ourselves novelty but we were always a theme in this segment over the years

paul is i'm saying that rap and like barnsley when we did this last time the barnsley rap barnsley bill yes it's a novelty rap was almost only acceptable in the UK as a novelty. Yes, as a way for comedians or weird comedy producers or radio producers to kind of throw out weird tracks. To make a record. And the thing about this is, okay. Wasn't there a Steve, sorry to interrupt. Wasn't there a Steve Wright, didn't we do years ago, Steve Wright, the Mr. Angry Rap?

Yeah, no, that might have been on Clingable Days. I don't actually even know if we've done it as a cheap show thing. You know what? We should revisit some of those. We should do the trials of Steve Wright and put all of his songs that he's released out and we do an ultimate judge of... I'd love to do that.

Like a best of the worst kind of thing. I'd love to do that. All right, let's do that for next time. We'll do the trials of Steve Wright's music career and we'll line up as many as we can find and we'll listen to them all and then we'll judge on which is the best and which is the worst. The only point I'm trying to make is this is

a record that is sort of jumping on two bandwagons, two trends that were big at the time. Novelty rap and crossover to cartoons or other Well, sampling. Sampling to give you a hook to hang a rap off. Because this does use the kind of

Barbera theme from the cartoon show top cat just so everyone knows just to get out of the way top cat cartoon show made by hannah barbara famous animation studio that revolutionized tv animation with shows like scooby-doo and flintstones like most of their formats the flintstones obviously the honeymooners top cat was obviously bilko it was bilko yeah because obviously he's like phil silver isn't it's the exact same pop but now it's a cat instead of being in the army so they took basically um successful live action sitcoms and turned them into cartoons but they started by being the people who produced tom and jerry well they were animators for tom and jerry when tom and jerry were under the mgm banner or whatever then they started their own company i see and

then that's when all those famous shows that we all love and adore. Now, Top Cat in the UK was called Boss Cat because Top Cat was a cat food brand. And so to avoid legal whatever's, they changed it to Boss Cat.

But did the Top Cat food brand, cat food brand, ever actually use the original Top Cat music from the Hanna-Barbera cartoon to sell their food? Part of my brain thinks, yes, maybe in the late 90s.

I seem to remember it, yeah. Or early 2000s when the copyright all went funny. They went, oh, let's for a laugh, blah, blah, blah, blah, and use it. But I don't know. Very likely. And on CITV or whatever the equivalent was back in the day, there was a Top Cat.

They did show it. Well, yeah, it was shown in the UK. But how did they change it to Boss Cat then? Because the song is Top Cat. Because it was changed in America before. It wasn't they change it to Boss Cat then? Because the song is Top Cat. Because it was changed in America before. It wasn't uncommon

for shows when they were sent around the world to get, like for instance, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles so they had to

re-dub the song and Larry references to that phrase in the show and replaced the word Ninja with Hero. And why was that? Why was it, is that

in the UK market? Yeah. It was called Hero because Ninja was violent. Is that why? It was one of those things that the government pointlessly banned to protect the children because there was all like kids turning up in school with throwing stars and stuff yeah and so like it's it's weird but it's that whole it was another panic but i mean there was a bit

more behind that panic than the satanic but it was no more i mean you don't want weapons like nunchucks are pretty nasty no but at the same time's like, rather than solve the problem of dealing with that, they just go and blame it on a cartoon and tell kids that, you know, that's the bullshit part. Yeah, you can't have the word ninja in your stupid cartoon. So that's why it's shit, because it doesn't actually solve the problem. It just puts their fingers in their ears and say,

well, we did that, at least. So, Top Cat rap. I looked for the artist who's called MC Bronx, Discogs, and any other website says this is all he's ever done. Zion V, all they ever did was this. The only one who had a bit of a career

was a guy called, and you'll love this name, Eli, I think, Birchell Savory. It's the name. I'm not even making it up. I do like that. It sounds like a

Cheap Show character. Hello, I'm Birchell Savory and I'm here to take you around the house of the rich and famous. Something like that. Birchell Savory, yeah. here to take you around the house of the rich and famous Something like Savory Savory is a legit surname, isn't it? Probably, very likely

That guy's got two surnames, one of which is Birchall, because that's like Julie Birchall It might be Birchall Birchall, I love that My name is Birchall Savory That sounds like a lover man Child down on this crispy snack. It's on the end of my...

A savoury name and savoury in nature. Anyway, everything I looked into this basically seemed to exist for this one song. 100 to 1 records made for this. BB Productions did a few things, all for the label PRT, which was Pi Records in the UK until the 80s. Then it became PRT.

Then it went back to Pi in 2006. Pi, obviously, it was a huge label UK until the 80s. Then it became PRT. Then it went back to Pi in 2006. Pi, obviously, it was a huge label back in the 60s. Question. Did Pi also make equipment? In my head, I seem to see the Pi logo on things like record players. Am I imagining that? You're right. They did.

That three-pronged sort of... Right. They did. And they were a big record label back in the 60s they had the Kinks for example oh yeah but this is

I heard this thinking oh it's one of those weird American songs that we've had in the past from the rap era but no it's the origin is UK and that's so weird

when they put that on records I think the Winky 7 has origin France France yeah but this is it it all seems everything seems to exist

for this one song and it didn't chart did you see it didn't chart that's what I was going to ask you 1988 France, yeah. But this is it. Everything seems to exist for this one song. It didn't chart. Did you see? It didn't chart. That's what I was going to ask you. 1988 it came out. And that's it.

It's just a cash-in that didn't work. And it's not surprising because there's no hooks. It sounds a mess. Terrible. Instrumental is slightly better. I like the sample for the actual Top Cat bit. That's fine. But that's the only bit that works. There's a bit from the cartoon,

like a spoken word bit right at the start of the record. Because, just to remind you that it exists. And that's pretty cool. Because I guess there was more retro nostalgia cachet with this back in the day

because Top Cat wasn't on all the time, maybe. And I think there are like Jamaican dance hall artists called Top Cat. It's used a lot. Fair enough.

In that kind of area. And they've got someone to do the illustration. This isn't like a legit Hanna-Barbera. But it must be somewhat legit because it has a trademark copy of Hanna-Barbera on it and also they must have allowed them to use the sample. But to me, this looks like a graffiti artist.

You know graffiti, a big thing in graffiti was doing cartoon characters. They do Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, whatever. To this day, that's something that graffiti artists do. Well, it's like those Popeye ones we see at the top of the characters. Yeah. They do Snoopy, Mickey Mouse, whatever. To this day, that's something that graffiti artists do. Well, it's like those Popeye ones we see

at the top of the road. Exactly. And this to me, and look, if you look at the design of this cover, it looks like this guy has actually just,

is a graffiti artist and has painted Top Cat, TC's, on the wall. It says who did the design on the back. I think it's like

Injun or something it's called. If you look in the middle of the thing, it says design sleeve by. Injuni. Injuni. So whoever that is yeah it's a it's graffiti style isn't it that's all i'm saying it's a hip-hop record here's the bottom line eli silverman is it a platter or a splatter for me it's a definite splatter yeah it's a splatter for me it's not cute enough to be a platter it's musically it's just inept and it's not anything as good as like proper hip hop

that was coming out of the States. It sounds like the theme to Fresh Prince if done on a cheap Casio keyboard with a Hanna-Barbera sample. Honestly, the beat for me, if I was the record producer, I'd go, listen, listen.

Calm it down, mate. The beat is not dope or fat enough at all. The beat is just wrong. Is it not dope or fat for you, love? I'm sorry, I was working on my dope all week and I've let you down. Why are you doing that voice? I don't have many, mate. Don't do

my voices. No, this is my voice. It's not your voice. It is. It's Bill Donut's voice, isn't it? Yeah, Bill... Well, Donut is part of the overall... I'm not thinking about it anymore. Stop. We're going to move on to our next... No, I need to know from you. I said splatter. Okay, you're in agreement. I am in agreement.

It's cute, but not cute enough. But thank you, Jake, for those offerings. Now it's time for our next track, and this one, oh, it's a little bit disco, a little bit spacey. It is Sarah Brightman and the Starship Troopers with The Adventures of the Love Crusader.

Ecstasy, the Adventures of the Love Crusader. Ecstasy, the makers of the emotion potion, proudly present the Adventures of the Love Crusader. Daytime, Tuesday, midnight, somewhere in the city, can the foxy Love Crusader steal the heart of the man of steel? Love Crusaders steal the heart of the Man of Steel? Love Crusader Love Crusader I've seen you look to me with x-ray eyes That pink heart image is a thin disguise

But I'm not blinded by the pertinent plan Beneath that suit beats the heart of a man Your super strength will call the priceless tricks But can your gift of that escape my lips? Leaping tall, buildings in a single bound Can the force of love Invade your ground I'm the love crusader And I'm gunning for you

And the madness will stop What I'm getting to do I'm a heart of beta But I'll make it be Most wonderful, touchable Public enemy Number one So yeah, Sarah Brightman, The Adventures of a Love Crusader.

Now, I went to sarahbrightman.com to find some information out because Wikipedia didn't say much other than it reached about number 50 in the charts and the band was called Super Troopers for no real reason, really. I think it was just thrown together off the back of the other single which we'll talk about in a minute. But it says, by the time of her second single, which was released in 1979,

her first being I'm in Love with a Starship Trooper, which was done with her and Hot Gossip. I think, yes. But they didn't call themselves Hot Gossip when they made it. No, Hot Gossip.

Hot Topic's a shop. You said Hot Topic earlier in the other room yeah but then I corrected myself and said it's hot gossip okay sorry yeah

it's hot gossip then hot gossip hot gossip were a dance troupe weren't they that appeared on Top of the Pops but they sang as well right

I thought they were like they just did like dance routines slightly risque it's Legs and Co isn't it though and Pans People I think hot gossip

were exactly like Legs and Co they were't it, though? And Pans People. I think Hot Gossip were exactly like Legs & Co. They were another sort of sexy dance troupe that when they didn't have like an American artist doing a pop hit, they'd get them on to dance on top of the pop.

I'm just going to say what Wiki says. Hot Gossip was a British dance troupe that made television appearances and in 1978 backed Sarah Brightman on her single I Lost My Heart

to a Starship Trooper. There you go. Members, Alison Haley, Amanda her single, I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper. There you go. Members, Alison Haley, Amanda Abbs, Kim Leeson, blah, blah, blah, lost interest. They ran from 74 to 86. So I guess they weren't available. That's quite a long time. 12 years they were going.

Yeah, but they also, weirdly, when you think about it, it's like, why didn't they end up with the second single? What happened with the second single that they went, no, we're all right, hot gossip. Well, they didn't they end up with the second single? What happened with the second single that they went, no, we're all right, Hot Gossip? Well, they didn't contribute anything. They were backup, though. They must have done backup voices. I don't know.

They're dancers. Anyway, I'll carry on what it says. By the time her second single was released in 1979, Sarah had left Hot Gossip, so she was part of it. Ah. It's a bit like Diana Ross, I guess, and the Supremes kind of thing going on there. Well, she was a dancer then,

and then became a singer. And therefore was able to remove the obligatory references to the dance group. I see. To capitalise on the success of Starship Trooper, she credited her album, oh, it's a whole album, Sarah Brightman and the Starship Troopers.

Wow. She struck out after that big first hit. For a follow-up to Starship Trooper, Sarah continues on an otherworldly theme. This time, she takes on Superman, although the name Superman is never mentioned. But there are unmistakable references to the Man of Steel, Kryptonite,

and leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Indeed there are. Let me just finish this. There's only a few more sentences. Sarah plays the Love Crusader, who is a lone love ranger come to set you on fire like a human torch you'll burn with desire. It's enough for the Man of Steel to declare, baby, I know I'm powerful, but you've

touched a nerve that makes me weak. The beast side was called Lost in Space. The Njörgen Zone shares the touching story of a woman droid who is banished to hyperspace exile in the Njörgen Zone. Sarah's heard lamenting, out of time, lost in space, I'm adrift in the galaxy. The story's narrator, yeah, the song had a narrator, by the year 2629, no less than 84% of all woman droids

had been lost through accidental time warps and correction trips to the other zones. But what? In very poor taste. It's basically this guy flying through space

going, oh, the women droids or, oh, I'm Captain Big Dick and the women droids aren't, you know, as if all women are robots, the women droids or, oh, I'm Captain Big Dick and the women droids aren't, you know, as if all women are robots. The women, what the fuck, man?

Yeah. Although some versions of this song came with a comic book imprinted in red vinyl. I don't have a red vinyl. This is a black vinyl one. Without the cover,

unfortunately, I picked up in a charity shop. The comic book was by William Stock but included the song lyrics as dialogue in the comic strip. The single was released with different cover art in different parts of the world.

Again, it's a huge theme in disco, because disco basically coincided with Star Wars, which was the biggest ever spike in science fiction of all time, right? And that's that whole thing as well about, who was that artist who did like disco Star Wars theme? Nico. Miko. M miko miko yeah sorry so there's all of that going on at the same time definitely all these sort of where was that was that that would have been like 77 78 when miko was doing that so yeah so exactly the same time so they're obviously trying to cash in and this is a cash in on her first it's like they said oh right that one that is a starship trooper the um your sci-fi themed

first hit yeah we saw she was 18 when she 18 when she did uh the first single the uh i'm in love with the starship trooper and then she was 19 when she recorded this one which is basically just trying to replicate the success isn't it it feels weird that all of their album oh this one album seems to be based all around UFOs. She did another song called Loving a UFO, where she has an alien invites her onto his UFO,

and she's unable to resist his beauty, and so she goes with him into space. Fucking hell. And she has appeared on Silverman's Platters before, hasn't she? Because she did a fucking risible classics-based rap thing thing do you remember that record what was that oh that was these uh julie walt or julie andrews sound of music things sound

of music rap that was sarah brightman wasn't it yeah so there is an album called super troopers by the citizens federation which is her but it seems that it's uh oh weird oh weird no i'm getting this confused she re-recorded i lost my heart to a starship trooper oh she did but she re-recorded it for the film starship troopers even though it didn't end up in the film oh weird yeah weird that is weird it's more of a dance euro dance pop version of it yeah because it was it was decades later wasn't it yeah in the 90s yeah so there's all yeah she's released quite a lot of stuff over her years, obviously, as you can imagine. Lots of solo albums, lots of theatre albums.

But this track, what do you make of it? For me, it's a splatter, I'm afraid. It's not as catchy as the other one. A Starship Trooper. It's definitely just a blatant trying to cash in. They put the title, because they are the Starship Troopers, who are her band here.

Yeah. They've literally put the title of the original hit into the name of the band they're that unconfident you know they're trying to there's the beat is not like funky enough there's no sort of funk it's a bit wispy in it there's not enough squelchy moogie spate effect stuff you know i want i want more space sound effects lasers and so so forth. I want more of that. And he's got an annoying, there's spoken word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Crusader. He's got a fucking annoying.

Bollocks. Fat, wide bollocks. So it's a splatter from you then as well. It's a splatter from me, unfortunately, today. And it looks like it might be a splat fest as we head into our final album. Oh, well. It's an album, this one. We're going to cover one or two tracks.

But this was the one I found in a charity shop. I've been looking for this for ages. It cost me 50p. And even though the cover isn't in the best condition, the vinyl's all right. And it's a nice blue, green. They describe it as turquoise, but it's very green, light green to me.

We are going to talk about, okay, folks, this is it. Kenny Everett's The World's Worst Record Show. Cringe along with us and listen to some of the most tasteless sounds around. Pain can be fun on Yook Records. So we're going to play one track to start us off. And Eli wants to play this one. Well, it's not me.

You do. I mean, I agree with you. I think this is definitely one we should play. But you were very keen on this. I like it. So this is called, this is by the legendary stardust cowboy and it's called paralyzed enjoy this ¶¶ ¶¶ Parallel lines! Jim Lyons, Jim Adams, Charlie Money, parallel lines! so we went through the whole album and some tracks are much more like enjoyable quote unquote than

others well the thing is some of them can you really call a record truly bad if it's a novelty record and it's pretending to be if it's curated you mean well if it's trying to be bad if the record is designed to be humorous like novelty records are you know i think it's one of these things where with novelty records they very easily fall into one or two camps. They're either enjoyable dross that you forget about eventually, like Zig and Zag's Hands Up or Zig and Zag's Them Girls, Them Girls. That's a classic. It's a banging track, but it's a novelty track, right? Because it's two puppets singing about that.

And then you get some of the stuff on this, which is just very strange creative choices made to music that ended up being successful, choices made to music that ended up being successful but like like disco duck became something of a sad reflection of trends of the time for me the most funny records on this are the ones where they're legitimately legitimately trying just to have a normal record yeah a legit pop record and that one we just listened to why is the stardust cowboy that that name is ringing a bell with me for for something all i can tell you is that we did some research on some of this because some of these artists like for instance um just a bit

of background kenny everett we've talked about him before radio dj in the uk very avant-garde like to mess around with the formula he used to do a thing where like the bottom 30 where his listeners could vote on songs that were released at the time. Because all these songs were the songs that came out a decade or two earlier or were reasonably contemporary that were getting released and getting airplay.

No, they go back to the 50s, some of them. Some do, yeah. But he would play them and then the audience would rate how bad they were. I see. That's why Jess Conrad turns up three times on this. Right. But do you know what?

It does come from a sort of long line of novelty jocks. Yes. Dr. Demento being the original one. And he's doing a Dr. Demento, really. He was very, I mean, again, we have talked about Kenny Everett before on the show before, but he celebrated the good and the bad. He was very up for going, here's something you should definitely listen to for great reasons. Yes.

And here's something you should definitely listen to because it's fucking mad hot garbage and this needs to be in your ears. Yes. So it's all done with wry humour and things. And obviously after a while, the compilations came out and this is the compilation

of the songs chosen on his radio show. But that record, the Stardust Cowboy one, Yeah. is just so funny. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like someone with a one

man band stood next to a piss head in the street at 3am and just recorded the session it has a genuine sort of wildness to it that can't be faked you know so the story is that the legendary stardust cowboy's real name was norman carl odom born in 1947 and he is known as an outsider performer who's considered one of the pioneers of a genre that he is known as an outsider performer who's considered one of the pioneers of a genre that later became known

as Psycho Billy in the 60s and you can definitely hear that in this Psycho Billy but things like people like the Misfits Psycho Billy is like

Rockabilly meets Punk yeah but this is Rockabilly it's like Proto Psycho Billy isn't it yeah but I mean

the background to this track is he was at college and he had a wild idea about writing a song that would captivate people. I would say he's largely been successful with this track. And he wrote this song. And I don't know how you write this. Well, it does have a rhythm and a sort of... Yeah.

And he recorded it. And he performed it at talent contests. Fucking hilarious. Could you imagine that? So, like, that was The Great Soprendo and Alison with her magic show. Yeah And he recorded it And he performed it At talent contests Fucking hilarious Could you imagine that So like That was The Great Soprano And Alison with her Magic show

She did How much is that Doggy in the window Yeah you know All of these Little Bobby Sue And his Beefnix band Whatever

God What You The Great Soprano The Great Soprano Was a real magician I know But he wouldn't be in a

I just couldn't think of anyone else like the great the great Jim Ez Anyway yes so there'd be all these very tame And then it would be

here's the Stardust Cowboy It's like you know what it sounds like it's a duet with Big Daddy Bigfoot Yeah Because you imagine It's pure noise

You do Stardust and I'll do Bigfoot. Because you imagine it's pure noise. You do Stardust and I'll do Bigfoot. Accurate. Hang on. He recorded this song in 1968 that he apparently

did in his spur time. He played the Dobro and the Bugle while someone else played drums and as you can hear in the track

it's just mad thrashing of everything 500 copies of the single were initially pressed and released on his own label called Psycho Suave which I think is a great fucking name for a top pick

imagine getting hold of one of those they must be perfect and then it was picked up by Mercury who released it because it appeared on the Rowan and Marty's

laughing show at some point he releases it blah blah blah blah blah, blah, blah. It also ended up being used. This is a nice story. This is the thing I like about this story. This track was used by NASA because in 1973

they would use the song to wake up the members of the space crew. The crew allegedly so distracted from the shock over the course of the day that NASA forbade the use of that song ever again, effectively banning the song from space wow it didn't work no it did work but it obsessed them so much that it was like yeah maybe don't do that one again maybe put that nice one by sarah brightman on you can imagine the cia using it to

torture people in guantanamo can't you i mean it's that kind of thing yeah if it's that or it's the fucking barney the dinosaur theme um so effectively it was mentioned in a book in 1994 by a guy called Dave Marsh who said it was the worst song issued by a major label. Critic Toby Cresswell included it in his 1001 songs of all time. 1001 best songs of all time. The great songs of all time and artist stories and the secrets behind them. So I guess it's a reasonably broad remit. The article goes on to say,

and I'll finish off now, it ranks in the top 15 in the first ever festive 50 favourite songs of the listeners of the John Peel radio show. Yeah, Peel, it's the outsider thing.

It has a sort of punk energy, a sort of, doesn't it? And then he released a load of other things. He released a song called I Took a Trip on a Gemini Spaceship, an LSD type track. I would love to hear that as well. Did he released a load of other things. He released a song called I Took a Trip on a Gemini Spaceship, an LSD-type track.

I would love to hear that as well. Did he do a cover? No, he said, I Thought About You. Okay. A stranger in the style of Van Housen Mercer's tune, I Thought About You, and was covered by longtime fan David Bowie on his Heathen album. That's the Stardust thing.

So maybe. Isn't that Bowie is like, isn't like um i'm a star man there's all that sort of um crossover in terms of the sort of naming isn't there with bowie yeah and odom who didn't realize that bowie was such a big fan of his work returned the favor by recording a version of space oddity bowie himself said the term stardust in ziggy stardust is taken from the legendary stardust cowboy there you you go. So there you go. It reminds me that whole sort of scene in my head

of him turning up at a sort of... He's still alive, by the way. Amazing. Yeah. Turning up at a talent show and then doing that.

Reminds me of a story my dad used to tell me about he went to some avant-garde classical concert. Yeah. And it was with a modified, it was a piece for a modified piano, right?

How was it modified? Did they put a tube in it? They would take little bits of wood and stuff. This is true. Yeah. And like stick them in between the piano strings. Yeah. So certain notes would be fine,

but certain notes would go clank. And they would just... And this guy came out. Yeah. He's there, you know, it's like a proper concert hall. Suited and booted like a tequila. This guy comes out, you know,

with a proper tux on or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Sits down, you know, and then starts playing. it's like a proper concert hall. This guy comes out, you know, with a proper tux on or whatever, sits down, you know, and then starts playing. He's like, and apparently my dad and his friend, like they got the giggles.

They were probably smoking. I was going to say, were drugs involved in this? They'd probably been smoking, but it's that, it's that sort of nonsense with the,

you know, incongruity of the, the well played piano with the sabotage sound. that set them off with the giggles. And it's, those are the most delicious giggles when you're not supposed to be, you know,

when you're supposed to be like considering, Oh, the avant-garde, but it's just like, you know, so I think it must've been designed that way to have that reaction. No, there was a lot,

there's a lot of avant-garde music that is on just on the face of it. Fucking hilarious. Isn't there? Yeah, I mean... But that's an outsider. I love that outsider. I am quite fascinated with outsider art of all sorts. Well, apparently, I mean, I've never heard about him until today.

And so this is quite fascinating. You know, he was in a mockumentary in 2010 called Rainbow's End. And in 2020, someone was working on a documentary on his life. No release date yet for it. I'd be fascinated to see that. I like documentaries like that. So for me,

that's definitely a platter. So in a nutshell, Bowie is a combination of the Stardust Cowboy and Anthony Newley in one little package. Crazy. Weird. It's like, and yet Bowie is Bowie.

But that's Bowie. That's what part of the genius of bowie was he would take things that were very avant-garde very outsider and incorporate them into mainstream mainstream yeah yeah so i i don't think it's fair to judge the whole album as a platter or splatter but just for that one track that's a that's a platter that's a platter for me because when we listened to it it was just like all right this is fucking nuts and i like it i like it i like the kind of guttural hollow

you know it's going it's basically the noise is coming out I like to think that sometimes this podcast we do Paul

yeah sometimes skirts similar areas to that pure noise terrorism sort of oh I like that cheap show

noise terrorism grammar violence yes violence to meaning and language. Now. Yeah. Are we going to have one more little listen?

We've got one more on this because, again, there's... Just for reference. It's an album, so you get 20 tracks on this all in. There's a few by Jess Conrad, who's a British singer who's known for being softer than Cliff Richard. Terrible. And a lot of his songs are like awful ballads that are cosy and lovely. Awful, awful, awful.

And then there's like a style of songs that, although they're different artists, come up a lot, which is the tragic ballad, the spoken ballad. Yes. There's always someone talking about something tragic in their life

with a background track going on. And over the course of this album, you get to hear about childbirth or death. You get to hear about drunk drivers there's a lot of car crash and drunk driver things like a lot of stuff

like every other song is a tragic ballad where some guy in a country western voice goes and I lost control of the car and crashed into a hospital there's a lot of that but didn't

what what's his name what you know married to Philbin Keith Cheegwood had a cd out in the 90s about bad records but i think it was like one hit wonders or the worst hit one hit wonders i got that and there's some if i ever find that i'd like to pull it out because there's some good interesting things on there but lots of very strange tracks like there is spinning wheel by

mel and dave which is a cover of a reggae track, which is awful to listen to because it's out of sync. It's not a cover of a reggae track. It's a cover of a British pop song, Spinning Wheel. It's not. It's a Three Dog Night track or whatever, isn't it? No, it was Blood, Sweat and Tears.

Blood, Sweat and Tears, sorry. So that is not a reggae track, but this is a reggae... No, it's a rock song. Oh. Don't you know that? Spinning Wheel. Don't you know that song?

Off the top of my head, no. And after hearing this, it doesn't help me much to place it. And it's produced by, that version, produced by extremely famous Jamaican Lee Scratch Perry. Producer. Who I once met. You met Lee Scratch Perry? When I was working for Sanctuary Records and cataloguing all their music back in the early 2000s, because they owned Trojan, he came in to talk about their box sets

he came in in a fog of weed didn't say much was surrounded by other people who did the speaking forum right and then he left and i met him very briefly and he just went yeah yeah he was famously nuts uh he claimed he was the king of switzerland we've all claimed that mate in our time and also he famously got extremely paranoid and burnt his famous studio, Black Ark Studio. Yeah, yeah, down to the ground. In Kingston. And he burnt it down to the ground. Yeah.

Including all the tapes. But listen. He's a fantastic producer. Yeah. His legit stuff. Not here, though. No. Because it sounds fucking dog shit.

The singer is Dave Collins. Yeah. He was on the first ever Scar Jamaican number one record in Britain, which is even Millie's... Philly Manili. No, Millie. What's that?

My Boy Lollipop. My Boy Lollipop. That was the first, but I don't know if that got to number one. I don't know. But Dave and Ansel Collins... Double Barrel. Double Barrel.

Monkey Spanner was on the flip side, but that was on top of the pops and... So Dave was a legit artist Dave Barker's a great singer Do you know what a fantastic song he did? Go on It's a version of On Broadway On Broadway

He does like a sort of reggae version of that which is fantastic Well listen, we've got one more track on this album we're going to play and we're going to play Fit For You now and this made me laugh my fucking tits off but this is a lover's concerto by mrs miller enjoy oh see there beyond the hill the bright colors of the rainbow some magic from above Made this day for us Just to form love

Now I belong to you From this day until forever Just love me tenderly And I'll give to you Every part of me Don't ever make me cry Through long, lonely nights without love Be always true to me

Keep this day in your heart so totally Come, baby, show me time This place is a little bit better It's just a mad old woman singing. I love it. That's what I mean about those ones are more genuine. The ones where they're genuinely trying to do something funnier. Well, it's actually bad. It's trying to be good, but it's actually bad. So the Lee Scratch Perry is that as well. He's actually trying to make something funnier. Well, it's actually bad. It's trying to be good, but it's actually bad.

So the Lee Scratch Perry is that as well. He's actually trying to make a record that is good, but... It came out bad because of probably a lot of drunk booze related. And also it says he used one of the women who was an employee in the studio. Yeah, she was banging around. And he went, do you want to come in and sing this, love? And she went, oh, just going to put the files away.

And it was like, fine. So the lady, Mrs. Miller, was called Elva Ruby Miller. She went under the recording name of Mrs. Miller, American singer. She was famous for a series of shrill and off-tempo renditions

of popular songs, such as Downtown, Moon River, Lover's Concerto, which you said is a cover of a no it was like a copy motown it was they were called the toys faux town hit yes thank you good uh no they were called the toys and it's pretty good tune and to boil her life down it seems that she was born in missouri she was known for doing choirs and church and songs like, you know, doing stuff for the church.

And then she financed a song of her own called Slumber Song and sent it to local orphanages to listen to. I mean, imagine her voice telling kids, go to sleep. Oh, go to sleep, little boy. It was probably something religious. Very likely. Probably encouraging the orphans to find God or something like that. But some guy called Fred Bock heard this recording and convinced her to try and put her vocal talents to more modern songs.

The song was discovered by a radio disc jockey and would later on go on to be the laughing announcer for Rowan and Marty. So once again, Rowan and Marty's come up in this. And featured her on his show in the 60s, which led to an album by Capitol Records in 1965 by a young producer called Lex DiAzivo. And it's just that voice singing modern songs. But there's a bit, but then you read earlier as well

that she claimed years later in an interview, she claimed that they'd, for the album that they'd taken the worst uh takes well it says here she did an interview with life magazine in 62 in 67 capital records seem to be eager to emphasize the amateurish quality of the singing and she claims that during recording sessions she was deliberately conducted one half beat ahead of the song or behind the song and that the songs on the finished album represented the worst takes of each set of recordings.

I can believe that. They were very exploitative. Which is a shitty thing to do. It's a shitty thing, but they did it all the time to people, didn't they? I don't know, did they? Yes. Big record producers in those day and age...

What, would sabotage recording sessions for what reason? Well, they just want to get what they want to get and they think, oh, this is a novelty, people buy this because it's bad. Yeah. And that's it. And you know what

piece of evidence for me kind of corroborates what she says there? Go on. Is in that record that we listened to. Lovers Concerto, which is on there.

There's a bit where she's doing a sort of just doing a dum-dum. Like she's warming her voice up or something. And it sounds like, yeah, that she doesn't know

the lyric properly or she thinks it's not a take where they're actually going to use. Yeah. Like she's warming her voice up or something. And it sounds like, yeah, that she doesn't know the lyric properly or she thinks it's not a take where they're actually going to use. Yeah. Just vocalising rather than actually singing words.

You know what I'm trying to say there? I am aware of the things you're trying to impart with language. Doesn't that support her claim? I think it does.

That they just used a take that she didn't think was going to be the final take. So the album went on to sell 250,000 copies in its first three weeks and the album went on to sell 250,000 copies in its first three weeks.

And then she went on to do a few more albums called Will Successful, Mrs. Miller, The Country Soul of Mrs. Miller. Then she appeared, she sang for American Servicemen in Vietnam. Yeah. She performed at the Hollywood Bowl. She can obviously sing,

it's just, it's comic because it's a sort of bad opera voice. And it's not suited to a popular song, is it? It's a bit of operatic bad opera voice it's a bit and it's not suited to a popular song is it it's a bit like um margarita pracatan yeah in many respects she wasn't a bad singer it's just her style didn't fit contemporary tracks yeah uh but it did make you and me laugh at least twice because she's in a film with rodney mcdowell called the cool ones i don't know that i've heard of that film yeah uh. But then after that, they dropped her when the novelty wore off.

She released some self-released EPs in the 70s and then kind of vanished after 73 when she kind of just spent working with charities. She moved from California. Well, she seems like

quite a sort of pious woman. That's what I'm getting. Yeah. Final little fact. She may have been the inspiration for a similar act called Mr. Miller and the Blue Notes, who released a 66 version of Herman Hermit's Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter. That keeps on popping up, that song as well.

Doesn't it? For you, Paul, and not to be confused, of course, with the huge, easy-listening star from Britain, Mrs. Mills. Yes, who we have really properly covered. There's not much to say, I guess, but people forget. Probably outsold the Beatles considerably. Mrs. Mills sold 80 million or something. I looked it up once. It's ridiculous.

It's crazy how... Who was the other one? It can't be 80 million. No, I know. But there's something really high. Vaguely loud number of records. Who was the other one? James Last.

Yeah, James Last is another one who was like... He must have just opened his pants and fucking records fell out. I think those people put out basically an album every two or three months for several years in the 60s. Yeah. Anyway, that song brought me joy and therefore I give it the highest platter I can.

I agree. It made me laugh out loud. Yeah, just a nice jolly, isn't this daft and silly? She's going for it. Oh, bless her. Yeah, just a nice jolly, isn't this daft and silly? She's going for it. Oh, bless her. Bless her cotton art. So that's that. Overall, the album, the world's worst record show.

I enjoy things like that. I do too. I like the obscure, weird, bad record scene. I love the fact that it says on the back, it's got like a smoker's health thing on the corner where it says, the HM government department health a smoker's health thing on the corner where it says the HM government department helped this record can seriously damage your mental health.

At the bottom, after listening to this record you may feel like destroying it. May we suggest a constructive alternative? The tough turquoise vinyl of the record makes an excellent placemat for your hot soup so why not rush out and buy five to complete the set?

1978, K-Tel Records. Ah, K-Tel. Famous for putting out very cheap comps. Yeah, and this is probably one of the cheapest ones they could have done. So I'm going to say, as a kind of cultural artifact... I'm into it. I'm going to give this overall, even though the quality's all over the place, a platter. Definitely.

Right, let's wrap this show up. No, no, we've got another segment. You know what segment? Come on, Paul. Just a quick little game we're going to play for a laugh. So let's go ahead and do that now. Cue the sound effect!

Now, Paul. Yeah? I've had a lot of correspondence From listeners And they all They say to me basically I'll sum up what they say A lot of them There's hundreds

Please go shit Because your farts are disgusting And if you don't Go toilet right now I'm going to leave this podcast I did go toilet Yeah I know

You saved this podcast I can't believe we're talking about this Well I can't believe That you've just been Opening your guts willy-nilly for the last two hours. You do it. You know what the difference is, though?

Oh, what? Your smell of flowers. Your fart smell of morning rain. No. Oh, a new fragrance by Paul Gannon. Guffy morning rain. Arse to toilette. Now. Now.

No. No, we're moving on from this. My silent ones are disgusting to smell, but my noisy ones are silent. Yours have the perfect alchemy

of nasty rasp and horrible scent and they go together quite badly. Are you done? Yes. Okay. Now, a lot of people

have been getting in touch with me about... I've also got a new word for when I get an angry erection. I'm feeling throbnoxious. Not as good. I like it. Anyway, thanks for trying. Oh, well, at least I try.

Paul, a lot of people have been asking me about something that's not true fundamentally. I've been getting in touch with me and they're asking, they say, Eli, they say,

Eli, we love your jingle for Ganon's Golden Games. We love it. Do they? We absolutely love it. We adore all of the little bits you've added over the years, all of the little playful motifs

that go through your rendition of Ganon's Golden Games. The theme, if I can call it that. Do you want to labour this any further? I do. I just want to labour it a bit further. I'm bored of hearing your stupid floppy mouth.

It's not floppy. It's very tight. Depending on your girth. I'm not saying anything because you're doing a great enough job of making yourself sound like a prick. They say in unison, they say to me, they say to me in unison, we love,

we love what you do musically and sort of comedically with the theme for Ganon's Golden Games. In fact, we are two minutes in and you're...

But they say to me, they say to me, they say, but wouldn't it be good if you had a clear, a clear version where you can hear what is being said during the jingle? Yeah. Where you can hear it clearly. And for them, the chorus of thousands asking for this, Paul.

Yeah. I'm going to do a clear version. Go on. Okay. Including the little skip bit at the beginning. Who? Who's that over there? Shut up.

No. No, don't interrupt me! This is all getting edited out. No! Expect a glitch sound effect any moment now, ladies and gentlemen. Why?

Because... It's Gannon Golden Games! It's in the fucking... It's in the fucking title theme! And you've just said Gannon's Golden Games so we can move on. No!

I will not! I'm not going on! Welcome to Paul's Pleasant Past Times, a segment of the show where I go through some of the... It's Gannon's Golden Games! Thank you, glitch will not. I'm not going on. Welcome to Paul's Pleasant Pastimes, the segment of the show where I go through some of the... It's Ganon's Golden Games. Thank you, Glitch Sound Effect, for editing over that segment. It's Ganon's Golden Games.

Yeah, I did it again, by the way. Oh, it's Ganon's Golden Games. And he can keep on doing this all he fucking likes, but I'm going to keep on dropping the glitch in. It's Ganon's Golden Games. Right, so we are playing a, it's not even a board game really because there's no board element to it,

but it's a game based on a TV show as is my wand. And this is... How is it your wand? Because I like, it's my wand to... I've got a wand. ...buy board games

based on TV shows from the past. I know that. I know that. I respect that in you. Do you know what I want? What I want is... What is it? A zig-a-zig-a? I want to past. I know that. I know that. I respect that in you. Do you know what I want? What I want is... What is it?

A Zigga Zigga? I want to sing Scandals... Scandals... Scandals... Scandals... Scandals... Scandals...

Scandals... Scandals... Oh, come on then, Paul. Come on. No, I'm not doing this segment ever again. Oh, no, please. No, I'm not doing this segment

ever again. Please, I'm sorry. I'm actually retiring this segment. No, please, I'm sorry. No more board games on this podcast. No, it's your want this. Please. I'm sorry. I'm actually retiring this. No, please. I'm sorry. No more board games. No, it's your want. I like the games.

I have a storage with 150 board games in. Mostly bought for this podcast. I'm sorry. Because I have to pay 80 quid now a month to keep that. And it's just stagnating there. I'm sorry. And half of them haven't even been on the show. And I don't know what to do with them.

And I don't find the time to put them on eBay and sell them. Well, you should. I haven't got the time to go to charity shops and give some of them back. I'll help you. I don't know what to do with them and I don't find the time to put them on eBay and sell them. Well, you should. I haven't got the time to go to charity shops and give some of them back. I'll help you. I don't know what else to do. This segment's over.

Right, well, that was Cheap Show for this week. No, please. Thank you for joining us. No, I won't. I promise I won't. Thank you for joining us. My name is Paul Gannon

and if you want to go to our website, it's thecheapshow.co.uk where you can get all of the details you need to follow us on social media or find out more about our episodes so thecheapshow

dot co dot uk you one stop shop for merch social media website pages images videos the lot

I'm Paul Gannon on twitter at thecheapshowpod Eli is let's play the game no at thecheapshowpod and Eli is

I refuse then. He's at Eli Snowy, which is E-L-S-L-I-O-D. Everyone wants to play the game, Paul. Remember, your vision is open now. No, we're not fucking doing it. Come on. That's it, the segment's over. This is your life game, everyone. It's not, we're not doing it.

And it's not a board game, but it is a TV game, as is our want on this. It's a TV-based game. Come on, this looks fun. No, you've ruined it. Come on, no, I haven't ruined it. You've ruined it, I'm bored of it.

Oh, Paul, stop being such a baby. Bollocks to you. I was trying to be funny. I've sat here breathing in your fucking dirty gravy arse mist throughout the whole of this fucking show. Come on, sometimes gravy's dirty. It is, you're right. Sometimes gravy's dirty.

Come on. Look, I promise to behave. Just go from your want, yeah? I want to rip Eli's arsehole out and feast on it like... Salami? Like salami. Funyuns?

Pepperami. Meaty Funyun. You're treading on thin ice right now, mate. Did you try and say that wrong, but you got it came out right? Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? Weird how I wanted to say something wrong and it didn't, and then it came out right. Yeah it's weird that isn't it? Weird how I wanted to say something wrong and it didn't and

then it came out right. Ha that's what you should always do. And then you'd say things right. Come on. I'm just going to be

honest right now Eli's absolutely assassinated my interest in this segment forever. Just forever. Come on. I'm deflated.

Being mean to everyone. Everyone wants to play your golden game. And then what's going to happen is we're going to play

a bit of it and then you're going to say this was shit so what a waste of time that was. I will not say that. I will have a constructive criticism. So look, there was a TV show. We've referenced this on the podcast before in the past. Episode 100's a great example of that.

And the Richard Brandoff episode we did about his life. This Is Your Life was a show where celebrities were given a big reg book by Eamon Andrews and they were given a kind of a brief tour through their life with celebrity friends popping in with their reminiscers yes Eli when I was a child I can remember the my first This Is Your Life host was um Park Aspel Aspel yeah Michael Aspel I'm not doing any research because fuck it. But was it based on an American show? Yeah, I believe it was. Because Eamon Andrews, weirdly for an Irish TV presenter in the UK,

had a very American style to him, didn't he? He did. He had a, who was the show shows guy? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It had that vibe to it.

Eamon Andrews was on that Kenny Everett record. Yes, he was singing the Shifting Whispering Sands or something. It was terrible. Which was a strange song that started off being like supernatural spooky

and then went into another ballad of someone dying in a car crash. Yeah, spoken ballad style one. Which might be one of my least favourite genres, especially in novelty. So the idea was

a celebrity would be like in their final performance at the Royal Haymarket Theatre and then you'd see Amy Landers off the swings with this big red book and he'd be like winking final performance at the Royal Haymarket Theatre. And then you'd see Amy Landry's off to the swings with this big red book. And it'd be like winking at the camera. It goes, what Gilgud doesn't know is that this is just the beginning of tonight's performance. Because we're going to whisk him away to a BBC studio where we're going to go, this is your life. And then Gilgud, wherever, would come out.

Sid Little, wherever, would come out after a show. Bit of a range there. You know, the high class acting capabilities of a Sid Little whatever would come out after a show bit of a range there yeah you know the high class acting capabilities of a Sid Little with a you get the joke

so yes and then Eamon Andrews would walk up usually pull a beard off or take a hat off and go it's Eamon Andrews

Sid Little this is your life I always found it horribly dull apart from that bit in the beginning which is, it's funny it's like using a prank show or candid camera they prank the celebrity in the beginning but then they sort of do a tribute to them essentially is the rest of it it is strange to be like we're going to set

you up for a can a bit of a prank but actually afterwards gonna give you a nice rubbing off you're gonna fucking so it's not a roast is it no no it's not i mean sometimes they come on with like remember do you remember that time when we were on tour and we were doing blackpool pleasure beach remember this is and your cock fell out on stage and I popped it back in when no one was looking. Remember that? Remember that time? With your mouth?

Yeah, I do with my mouth. You lifted it with your mouth. You did your deputy dog. I did my deputy dog impression and I got down and I lapped at it with my little tongue. You hoisted it with your tongue. I lifted it with my tongue

and then I pushed it back in. You picked it up like a cat picking up its kitten like with a folded skin and I poked it in and then I used my zips to zip you up oh god

I think perhaps we should have not done that Sid Little and Eddie Large fellating each other on stage come on please now

what do you have in your hand as eddie large once said to sid little you've got a big red book so the game comes in this big red faux replica this is your life book because that's what that was famous famous for his book and then that would have it'd be like a photo album inside with all the script for the showing Little, you were born in 1933 and fucking whatever, don't give a shit, I'm not doing the research, whatever, you get the point. And the first moment you realised

stardom was in your eyes was when the sign at the local kebab house fell on your head and you saw stars. Hee hee ho ho ho, hee hee ha. But wasn't a big trope was like, listen to this voice. Do you remember this voice? And then that person whose voice it was would actually be there.

Come out. Sid Little, do you remember this voice? But didn't they... Oh, deputy dog. Oh, deputy dog. Popeye. Oh. And then Sid Little go, yeah, it's fucking Eddie Large.

Didn't they do that on that Cilla Black surprise surprise? They said the voice. They played the voice before. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. So this is a game based on that. And effectively what this game is, when you boil it all down, it's guess who.

It's like, here are 10 clues. Can you guess who this celebrity is in the least number of clues possible? Who's going to play? Am I going to play? You're going to play. Now, there's a problem with this. The celebs are all long dead. And also, I mean, like,

unless you were like hot on current trends in what year was this made? Oh, wow. 1990 this came out. Really? I thought this was much earlier. That's surprising. Okay, well, maybe I've got a better chance then.

I don't know. I've looked through some of these cards and it's like Lord Dutch Peregrine III. Lord Dutch Peregrine III.

Do you know what I mean? I love it when that look comes onto your face and you have to think, make something up. It's really hard.

Julia Smithington OBE. There you go. And you think to yourself, oh. And you think to yourself, oh, and every one of these cards has got that horrible thing where you can't read it because it's blue writing on red fist.

So I've got to now slide it into this kind of little card reader thing. Okay, you've got one. Which I'm now going to have to put my flashlight on to read so I can actually read it. When you play this game with other people, the book opens up to reveal the whole game thing where you can which is quite neat it's quite nice

very nice you get little pieces in which go in the hole so you can mark the points and you get a little spinner dial because the idea is no dice but there is a spinner yeah because the idea is everyone plays together in big groups but one person reads out the clue pair round right and it moves on but everyone else spins this little thing which says, miss a turn, you don't get a clue read out. Read your next clue aloud so you read it aloud to everyone or you read it to yourself.

And the idea is, out of these combinations of alternatives, who will get it first? It's not just me reading it out to you. Yes. However,

that's the way we're going to play it. We're playing it today. So, I'm just going to see if I can find someone you might have a fucking chance of getting.

Like, for instance, do you know Eli who Carl Davis is? Carl Davis is... Is he... All these people on this... An athlete. His TV work includes World of War. Fucking hell. He was born in fucking Rill or something.

Jesus. Anyway, I've got a card for you. I think you might get this one. Okay. Right, so let's know. Jesus, what? Anyway, I've got a card for you. I think you might get this one. Okay. Right, so let's go. This is your life. First clue, Eli. I'll always be together.

In electric dreams. That's also more like blockbusters. Together in electric dreams. I love that electric dream. Don't you think that's good that electric dreams yes right here's your first clue eli who is this celebrity clue one it's going to say he was born age 19 but it doesn't say that he was born on the 19th of april 1955 uh so i'll give you a clue this person you will know for example it's not like I've picked some random athlete. Okay, 55, making him in 1990. Late 40s.

Late 40s. Oh, yeah. No, a bit too vague for you? I can't. I mean, it's a he. It's a he. I'll give you that. Okay.

Next, he attended the County High School Dagenham, Essex. We're talking of a Londoner. Now, maybe I'm thinking a famous Cockney because Dagenham Essex we're talking of a Londoner now maybe I'm thinking a famous Cockney because Dagenham is yeah traditionally a more working class part of the the city it is indeed yes um funnily enough Dagenham comes up a lot when talking about this person in general um next clue he won an organ scholarship in is it Magdalene College Oxford yes Magdal. Magdalene? Magdalene? Magdalene. Alright, because it's hard to read it with the red fucking text on a red piece of see-through thing. This is one of your

design... Bugbears. Criticisms. Dog... Dog dare? Double dare? Double dare game also has the same problem. Double dog dare. Oh, God. Fucking spit roast two dogs. I'm in the middle. The dogs fucking do me. Now, keyboard. Organ, yeah. Organ scholarship. I think in the middle. The dogs fucking do me. Now, keyboard.

Organ, yeah. Organ. I think I know. Scholarship. Yeah. Do you want to say now? Can I have a guess? Do I still...

I'll tell you what. You can guess. And if you want, I can still ask questions. You can commit to it. So you can change your answer if it changes on the clues. Yeah. Who do you think it is then? Dudley Moore.

Okay. Next question. So you got that. You said that on number three. So number four is one of the original Beyond the Fringe members. It's Dudley Moore. It's Dudley Moore. You're quite correct.

I got it in three. That's not bad. No, not at all. It says he was also star of not only but also in 1967, he appeared in a, what the fuck's that say? The 1967 film, he appeared as a timid nightclub pianist. Arthur. No, I can't read it.

It's called A Dangerous Something Something. It's really fucking hard to read this. Well, I won. Yeah. In 1978, he was in The Hound of the Baskervilles. Weirdly not mentioning he was also in that with Peter Cook. Yeah. Appeared with Bo Derek in 10.

I would have got it then as well. Yeah. Dudley Moore appeared on the show in 1987. Oh, this is your life? Yeah. Most of these people who were answers on this card. Will have appeared on it. Will have appeared on it.

And that's it. I'm bored now. We've done 20 minutes. I'm bored now. Oh, Christ. Stop peeling back the curtain and letting them know that you're trying to rush through this show. The episode's over because I've already... We did the wrap up with the website and stuff.

So I'm done. My Twitter is... No. My Twitter is... we did the wrap up with the website and stuff so I'm done my twitter is no my twitter is Eli Snoid everybody and that Teen Yeti because he's going to call me back so that Teen Yeti lyric again is cryptids

need environs like creased shirts need irons oh Paul's getting his own back I'm not in the room I left oh shut up it wasn't me I'm not here

now if you do want to support this podcast on patreon.com forward slash cheap show pushing me you have to get some physical violence in we're done press the button then we're done

this episode's over right now alright my beard oils or whatever say bye bye