CheapShow - Ep 326: Snax Starz

Starting point is 00:00:00 just waiting for the cheap show bus to take me to cheap show no i'm not doing it no i refuse no i'm rejecting this concept oh this cheap show bus is late no you've done it before it's completely unoriginal i haven't been waiting for the cheap show bus before you fucking have don't oh do you know what we had done before what stardust cowboy episode 36 or something you didn't remember that did you that's different I'm talking about a fucking vocal trope. I told you before we started. What do you mean, vocal trope? It's you.

Starting point is 00:00:28 We're waiting for this. We're waiting for that. We're waiting for the cheap show this. I'm waiting for the fucking cheap show turd plane. That's the best you've got. Yes. It's a big poo. And it's like, it's hoisted.

Starting point is 00:00:42 Hoisted pool underneath a jumbo jet. Here it comes. Magasplatatron. Right, good. hoisted pool underneath a jumbo jet here it comes my splattertron right good well i'm glad you've you've come out the gates firing on all cylinders that's it you fucking angered me and anger is an energy you know i'm waiting for the cheap show bus i thought you'd be the bus driver and you'd say all right governor we're gonna take it offer me an acting role show please don't try and offer me a role you know that's the way is the bus it's finally coming ding ding it's the number 69 oh hello hello son jump on oh i'm the driver where are we going oh merriment land, ding. I'll get on board. Press the fucking credits.

Starting point is 00:01:27 Jesus. Come on, you liked it. You like being a bus driver. I do want to be a bus driver. Here we go. I want to be here. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show

Starting point is 00:01:48 You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap show Off-brand, brand-on, off-brand, brand-on Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap show It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:02:24 And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast where myself, Paul... Yourself, Paul Gannon, and myself, Eli Silverman, go through the bargain bins, the charity shops, and Poundlands of Great Britain. Can we drop the Poundlands now? We don't really go to the Poundlands anymore.

Starting point is 00:02:44 I don't think Poundlands isn't going to exist at some point. Don't go to the Poundlands, boys. I don't go to the Poundland of Great Britain. Can we drop the Poundlands now? We don't go. We don't really go to the Poundlands anymore. I don't think Poundlands isn't going to exist at some point. Don't go to the Poundlands, boys. I don't go to the Poundlands. It's not Poundland anymore. It's just stupid. Couple of quid lands. It does have a ring to it in your intro, though. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:54 What can I replace it with, then? Come on. Discount stores. So, charity shops, bargain bins, discount stores. It has that. It's still... It's going to take a while to adjust. Two syllables, but yes.

Starting point is 00:03:04 It's going to take a while to adjust. But yes. It's going to take a while to adjust. Before you do your stories, which I know you're aching to ejaculate onto our listening audience. It's not ejaculation, Paul. It is. It's simply... A brilliant ejaculation. It's not. I will say some words, which will be

Starting point is 00:03:19 willingly accepted into the ear holes of the listeners, taken in, patted down. Right. They softly holes of the listeners, taken in, patted down. Right. They softly flow through the air, more like dust motes or fireflies than gobbets of spunk. Now, did you want to say mite or moth

Starting point is 00:03:35 because you said mote, dust motes? You don't know that term? Mote? I don't know. No, tell me. Educate me. No, don't be dismissive. Educate me.

Starting point is 00:03:43 Come on. You know when a beam of light, say, is coming through a window? Yes. Perhaps from a Venetian blind. Yes. And angles down and you see a little speck. A shaft of like a kind of Chinatown film noir look. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:55 Got it. In real life, when you're in a room and that's happening, you often notice a little fleck of something in the beam. In the beam, yeah. It's known as a dust moat. Is it? M-O-T-E, yes. Well, I have learned something today.

Starting point is 00:04:07 So no, I meant dust moat, inanimate moat, and living fireflies. When you ejaculate. Rather than gobbets of... When you ejaculate, is it just dust moats? Is it just dust moats that come out? No, I'm saying when I speak, it's more analogous to floaty things

Starting point is 00:04:21 than to hard gobbets of spunk, which are... Okay, all right. You did nothing to make that... Which are subject to Newton's laws gobbets of spunk which are which are subject to Newton's laws dead inert spunk sputum's laws

Starting point is 00:04:31 how about that no I'm not sputum's law I just added it as a content sputum isn't spunk that's your problem

Starting point is 00:04:38 sputum is spit it comes out like it though it comes out your mouth like spunk no spunk comes out my mouth like spit it It comes out of your mouth like spunk. No, spunk comes out of my mouth like spit.

Starting point is 00:04:48 It has to get a little... Is it foamy? It's not foamy like spit. It comes out like spit. It's got much more consistent consistency. Do you know when you spit, though, and it drops off and there's a dangly bit? That can happen with spunk, yes. Right. Welcome to the show, everybody.

Starting point is 00:05:04 Welcome to the show. It's a food-based episode this week. Hope we haven't put you off. Paul, I just want to mention your Envision very, very quickly. We announced it last week. Get your entries in now. We've already had a few come in, trickle in. That's excellent news. Trickle in since Friday. So that's exciting. I haven't listened to any yet, but like we said before,

Starting point is 00:05:25 please try and keep them to about two minutes. Deuce minutes. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh'll shit on it. We'll just say keep it short. Meg, please, wipe my arse on your two minute ten second track. There! How dare you! You know, I prefer it when you're hungover actually on reflection. Fuck me. It's going to be a crazy

Starting point is 00:05:58 ride! Alright, calm down. Don't make me say calm down. I love it when you say calm down. Right, listen. So, get your entries in. We don't care the genre. We don't care what you do.

Starting point is 00:06:10 Just two rules. One, keep it as close as you can to two minutes. Two minutes, everyone. Don't be a fucking edgelord and do loads of weird dark shit. Because we had a few tracks last time that were really nice, but then it was like,

Starting point is 00:06:19 dead babies, dead babies. And I was like, I don't want to... That's not what we're about. We're not about transgression just for the sake of it. No. It comes comes naturally the winner will get a trophy this year more news on that as it comes and uh this is news to me paul and their choice of uh cheap show merch that we will get for them am i right i'm doing a little mime everyone oh yeah no you're doing it right yes that's what i'm saying yes i've spoken winky winky i've spoken to them and they're going to hopefully work on it more details to come on that

Starting point is 00:06:50 fantastic sounding trophy but you'll get a trophy and you will get a piece of merch of your choice from the merch stores wherever you want to get them from so that'll be the prize also get tickets for digi live digi live everyone later this, I need to contact Biffo about that. Why, are you going to pull out? No, I'm just... Is this breaking news? Eli pulls out of Digi Weekend. Stop being such a gossip hound.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Or is it you trying to negotiate a fee? I'm not. I'm giving up my DJ, Mr. Biffo. So you can have to give me at least one to sort out. Three, four hundred pounds to make it worth my while. I don't get out of bed

Starting point is 00:07:26 for less than two hundred. Paul. Yes. Talking. I think that's it, yeah. So deadline is end of, well, beginning of May, isn't it, basically?

Starting point is 00:07:34 You've got to the beginning of May to get your tracks in to your Envision. Send them to thecheapshow at gmail.com. I thought we were talking about Digi Live.

Starting point is 00:07:41 No, we can move on from that. Put tickets, there's a link on our website. I had a good fucking segue from when we were talking about Digi Live. Okay, well, if move on from that. I put tickets, there's a link on our website. Well, I had a good fucking segue from when we were talking about DigiLive. All right, okay. If you want to get tickets for DigiLive, you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. There's a link there that will take you directly to the tickets at the Harrow Hall Centre happening later this year. Oh, I can't wait for the live show.

Starting point is 00:07:58 No, it wasn't that. It was something else you'd said, so don't worry about it. Tell me what you want me to say. I don't want you to say anything. I'd like you to be quiet for a few minutes. I don't want you to say anything. I'd like you to shut up and be quiet to be quiet i don't want you to say anything i'd like you to shut up and be quiet while i do my thing i would like you to shut up well i will shut up later you won't you always make me noisy outside paul yes it's time for an infrequent segment from silverman where it's

Starting point is 00:08:20 what's known as tales from the dance Floor. Oh, it's exciting. We haven't heard of them in a while. I have had a tale from the dance floor. Go on, I'll let you do it. I'll sit back. So, I was DJing the other night. Early in the night, I'm getting things moving. It's a, how can I put this?

Starting point is 00:08:38 How about quickly? Delicately. There were too many blokes on the dance floor. Too many dicks on the dance floor. Too many dicks on the dance floor. So it was hard. It was early in the night and there was a sort of imbalance in that way. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:49 And it really doesn't encourage early doors dancing. No, it's a bunch of blokes. Anyone will agree with me. Yeah, no, I agree. And it doesn't help the whole vibe, you know. Yeah. And it's whatever you want to call it, blokes aren't generally sort of comfortable

Starting point is 00:09:03 to start dancing with each other. They're not that into it. Right. So it was a bit of a tough little period for me behind the decks trying to get trying to get the alchemy right trying to get everyone a bit more excited yeah and a young lady oh here we go comes up big grin on her face oh hello look you said you were going to be quiet come on all right sit back comes she has a big grin on her face and i'm lean over yes and she says can you play some uk garage and then i went no no no no and she went uk garage and i went no no can't no not no we're not doing that and she went uk garage and i literally at that point directed her attention to the sound guy who was also there and like so you ask him ask him about eight times for uk garage which he proceeded to do and then

Starting point is 00:09:51 then she turns back to me after he said no you can't play in a uk garage and goes could you play something and this really got home got home to me paul this really really really stuck in the craw she said can you please play something up-tempo and funky? Up-tempo. Ooh, that's a red flag. And funky. Double red flag from this young lady. Up-tempo and funky.

Starting point is 00:10:19 Is that your first story? That's not very good. It's Tales from the Dance Floor. It's not very good, that one, is it? Because it sounds very... I mean, look. What are your views on that then, Paul? I think it's not very good. It's Tales from the Dance Floor. It's not very good, that one, is it? Because it sounds very... I mean, look. What are your views on that then, Paul? I think it's out of order.

Starting point is 00:10:29 I was playing a tune that was both up-tempo by some standards and funky by a lot of people's standards as well, Paul. Funky. And I'm sure you'd also play tracks... What does she mean? Funky like UK Garage? That's not funky, though, is it? It is. That's why it's not funky, though, is it? It is.

Starting point is 00:10:45 That's why it's such a useless term, funky. It's a completely... It's a term that's been almost... Funk to me is like heavy bass-led kind of, I don't know, disco kind of thing. There's a crossover there. Funk came before disco, but it's part of the DNA, so to speak, of disco. And I happen to prefer disco on the funkier side i mean i think everyone does i agree um anyway what's your second thing on your fucking list of things you want to

Starting point is 00:11:12 say i thought you had something to say about your first story it was rote i've heard it before it lacked any form of interesting new spin or angle you brought nothing new to it so what you want to say to your road to tail? Nothing is the answer, Eli. Absolutely fucking nothing I've got for you. Right. Second story then. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:11:32 Come on. I will. I will. Have I broken you yet? Because you're getting there. You're getting me down. You're getting me down. Well, I was in Bristol, yeah?

Starting point is 00:11:41 Yeah. A DJing. Oh, no, this is like a Tales from the Dance Floor as well. Fine, let's see if this does any better. An extended episode of Tales from the Dance Floor as well. Fine, let's see if this does any better. An extended episode of Tales from the Dance Floor. Here is part two.

Starting point is 00:11:49 I was DJing in Bristol. My friend has a, basically what they call kids raves. It's not for kids, the event. It's on a Sunday. Like a family's thing. It's like kid friendly. Yeah? Kid friendly, but the music's meant,

Starting point is 00:12:03 and they provide like breadstickssticks and colouring and stuff. Buffet of some kind of things to do. Yeah, got it. Not the type of thing I normally DJ at. No. At all. But my time in life is probably something I'll be doing more of as the years tick by. Kids' parties.

Starting point is 00:12:20 You're fucking doing kids' parties? Basically, yeah. This little fucking kid came up tales from the kids parties and he said could you play something a bit more uptempo and funky and i fucking clipped him no anyway so it was a load of fun obviously it's an old friend of mine who's one of the organizers but it's like a totally different vibe, obviously, from what I'm used to. There's literally toddlers all swarming around your feet and like screaming and rolling over. And, you know, like... Play the scribbles!

Starting point is 00:12:51 No, don't give a shit. The children don't give a shit about the music. No, of course they don't. They just like to bounce around and make noise. But that's the policy. The music's meant to appeal to the parents. Yes. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:00 So good music, but at a volume level that isn't disturbing to the kids. Yeah. That's part of the kid friendliness thing. More of a vibe. And stuff't disturbing to the kids. Yeah. That's part of the kid-friendliness thing. More of a vibe. And stuff is provided for the kids to get on with as well. Said vibe a lot today. Yeah, right. What's the change?

Starting point is 00:13:11 Get to the end of your story. Come on. But anyway, it's in this part of Bristol called Easton, which is a lovely, quite run-down looking... Has it got lots of promise? Why? Easton promise. Good one, good one.

Starting point is 00:13:25 Nice. And come on. And it's just so sort of vegan. Yeah. Used to call hipstery in London, but that's disappeared now with all the price hikes. But it's still like that in Bristol. And I went to,

Starting point is 00:13:37 because I had an empty stomach and I thought I'm going to be sort of slowly drinking all day on a Sunday. Never suits me. I'm going to go and get some chocolate. Yeah. You know, just to sort of line my stomach. Yeah, give yourself a little never suits me. I'm going to go and get some chocolate. Yeah. You know, just to sort of line my stomach

Starting point is 00:13:46 and get some sugar. A bit of energy. A little snack of chocolate. I really fancy this. Shut up. I'm making the winded up sign. No, no. We've got to go to

Starting point is 00:13:53 our virtual quick mate. And I went in the chocolate shop, right? Yeah. Heading up to the news. Come on, we've got to hit the news on the hour.

Starting point is 00:13:59 There is no time pressure on this. There's time. The Cheap Show news is coming up real soon. This is my part, second part of my tales from the dance floor. All right, I'm just going to hurry up because we've got like a minute left before we hit the Cheap Show News.

Starting point is 00:14:10 Shut up, we don't have a minute. I can take as long as I like. No, I have to fade you down and put the news up. I can invent a character called Willy Rubber. Willy Rubber and his flange-a-tastic. All right, you need to fucking stop. You've said enough now. No. You've said enough now. No.

Starting point is 00:14:25 You've said enough. This segment's over. I don't want to do my chocolate story. Quick. I went into the shop. You bought chocolate. What chocolate did you buy? I bought two things.

Starting point is 00:14:33 This one. Mr. Popple's chocolate. I'm talking to you, Mike, because, you know, this is a good story. Mr. Popple's chocolate. Mr. Popple's chocolate. That's a lot of euphemism, isn't it? Yeah. Euphoric orange.

Starting point is 00:14:44 Sweetly appealing, it says. For, like, Terry's chocolate, then. Fine. I thought, ooh, that looks fine. Yeah. It's chocolate. That's not a euphemism, is it? Euphoric orange. Sweetly appealing, it says. For like Terry's chocolate, then. Fine. I thought, oh, that looks fine. Yeah. It's chocolate. I made sure it wasn't carob. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:51 Which isn't good. Right. Because it's a... God, get out. What's the point? It's pitfall. What's the point of this story? I'm getting to it.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Come on. Just give me a minute. You're adding detail where I don't need it. Give me a minute. You've gone full Corbett with this. I have not. You've gone... Give me a second. So I bought that one. Yes. Then I thought, oh where I don't need it. Give me a minute. You've gone full Corbett with this. I have not. You've gone, give me a second.

Starting point is 00:15:07 So I bought that one. Yes. Then I thought, oh, I need a backup one as well. Right. And I went for this one. Ombar, centers.

Starting point is 00:15:14 Ombar, ombar. They're sticking up your jumper. Ombar centers. Yeah. Raspberry and coconut. Right. Also vegan,

Starting point is 00:15:22 but chocolate. Okay. And then I was really hungry. So as I stepped out of the shop, as I stepped out of the shop, I was really hungry. So I thought, I'm going to tuck into this Mr. Popple's orange.

Starting point is 00:15:33 I'm going to tuck into Mr. Popple's chocolate. Yes, I'm going to tuck in. You pervert. And so I stand there on the curb and I open this and I put it in and it's fucking terrible. Was it costly that as well? Yeah, like two quid for that small bar.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Yeah, bollocks. And as I'm there, standing there, putting it in my mouth, this voice goes, how is it? And it seems to be the owner of the shop who's just returning to his shop, and he's asking me, I'm like, it's not sweet enough, you know? Yeah. And he went, oh, yeah, it's because it's got this stuff in it.

Starting point is 00:16:01 Yak on syrup. God. And he said, this is so Bristol. He was like, yeah, we're going to discontinue it. Of course you and he said it's this is so bristol he was like yeah we're gonna discontinue it of course you are because it's shit he says we're gonna discontinue it but the guy who makes it he makes his own yak on syrup and he's really nice guy and pity and i'm like i don't need to know this emotional blackmail of my choice to buy a chocolate to line my tummy before i go and play soft rock for kids that That's what it's like. I wasn't playing soft rock.

Starting point is 00:16:26 Anyway, but this avoids stuff that claims it's sweet with Yakon syrup. Good. Well, Mr. Eli Silverman. I was like, what the fuck is Yakon syrup to? And he's like, it's like a root. So he pulls his root and makes Yakon syrup. Yes.

Starting point is 00:16:39 Yeah. But then I thought that is... Are you going to taste it, Paul? No. Because this segment's now 16 minutes and I'm fucking checking out it's a food episode don't care

Starting point is 00:16:47 taste some of this oh fuck's sake right here we go with the fucking Mr. Popper's chocolate that's just just bad that's dust

Starting point is 00:16:55 chocolate dust there's no sweetness the yak on no that's horrible do you see what I mean? what a lovely story anyway but he was a friendly guy

Starting point is 00:17:04 but I was just I tell that story more as a sort of illustration of I feel like I've eaten soil it's awful isn't it that's weird it got really soily

Starting point is 00:17:12 well it's very high cocoa but there seems to be a bitterness from the sweetening agent as well you'd want a bit of crunch from that if you're going to

Starting point is 00:17:17 do the high chocolate so you get the bitterness but the crunch and the firmness well you want some sweetness to cut through the bitterness but it doesn't do it

Starting point is 00:17:22 the Yakon doesn't that's the poppers chocolate too crumbly in my mouth? Yeah. Right. It's, however, the ombar, which I took. No, we're done. We are done.

Starting point is 00:17:29 Just to finish the story. No, there's no more story. I had some of this. The story is you bought shit chocolate. The ombar bombas. That's how you could have told that story. Stick it up your jumper. Hello, E-My-Seal Silverman.

Starting point is 00:17:38 I did have that, and it was much better, everyone. But look. Is that how you're going to press the fucking button? What have we got coming up on the show? Food. Food. Everyone thinks I'm a cunt. How about that? Is that what this is? No one thinks you're a to press the fucking button? What have we got coming up on the show? Food. Everyone thinks I'm a cunt. How about that?

Starting point is 00:17:45 Is that what this is? No one thinks you're a cunty, Lyle. No one thinks I'm boring now. That my stories are boring. Or what are your stories? Your only stories you ever fucking tell. Oh, someone shat themselves on the tube and it stank. Brilliant.

Starting point is 00:17:59 Yes, my stories have an edge to them. A sense of fucking danger. A threat level. A sense of impending i could have choked on that chocolate yeah well you didn't so i get nothing out of it so that's it that's this segment over with we're not heading into the show proper you're right you're right you're right eli that was not a segment you apologize to what to you to me for what for those stories they were good listen you we need content.

Starting point is 00:18:25 My moat wrote stories about chocolate bubble man. I don't fucking give a shit. The show goes on. Talking of bubbles. No, the show is going on. Look at that hat. Have you pressed the button? Yes.

Starting point is 00:18:37 You haven't. I haven't fucking pressed it. Shut up. Eli. So, I've got bad news. Oh. I went down to the League of Snacks temple, the holy ground of where all the facts and figures are kept.

Starting point is 00:18:51 What, that whole space that was underneath the podcast? Yeah. No, what happened was I went down and I went to check on some of the files and I set off a booby trap and the whole walls came down. There was a big boulder and I had to run away. There was a big boulder?

Starting point is 00:19:02 And I dived out the way and the whole thing collapsed. So, the League of Snacks is no more. Wow. It's been lost now to all those records lost to time all those records lost. All that work that was that scientific work that the league put in but don't worry I've got a new idea a new young upstart

Starting point is 00:19:18 segment whose plucky little demeanor gives us a lot of promise for the future and it's a segment I'm calling but at that snack star snack star everybody snack stars the league of snacks and crisps is no longer and now snack star explain the concept to us paul league of snacks is dead long live snack stars yes explain the concept for everyone now league of snacks and crisps was quite a complicated way of us analyzing crisps we had a whole way of us analysing crisps.

Starting point is 00:19:45 We had a whole four metric system. It was way too complicated. And we forgot what had got into the league. And we didn't want to do crisps that were like fly-by-night. No fly-by-night crisps. They had no place in the league. No. Now, are you addressing that issue of like standalone, weird, independent crisps?

Starting point is 00:20:01 Yeah. And, you know, crisps from lands afar. Independent crisps. Yeah. You know, crisps from lands afar. Because I have bought a storage locker where we will, from now on, put our hallowed crisps. The crisps that pass muster on this segment will now go into the hallowed storage space of fame.

Starting point is 00:20:19 That's shit. That's a really shit idea, Paul. It's a really, really awful shit. We've already sorted this out before the show. It's the snack shelf. Snack shelf. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Or the bin.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Bin or snack shelf. From now on, when we cover crisps... When I say it out loud, this all sounds shit. We need to think of where we can put it, like a pillar. Temple of crisps. No, we've had our temple crushed. I thought something based on the pantheon. Wait.

Starting point is 00:20:42 What about something based on the pantheon? Can you get a... The Snack Palace. The Snack Palace. They'll get entry into the Snack Palace where these crisps will live a life of luxury from here on in. On plinths.

Starting point is 00:20:52 Yeah, but now you're answering more questions. No, there's no plinth. We're forgetting the plinths. Plinth of crisps. We're not doing that either. They'll go in to our Snack Palace. The Crisp Plinth. I've got it now.

Starting point is 00:21:03 Crisp Plinth. That sounds like a man. A man's name. Hello, I'm Crisp Plinth. I've got it now. Chris Plinth. That sounds like a man. A man's name. Hello, I'm Chris Plinth. Listen, this was meant to be simplifying. Now you've got a whole palace and literally living crisps walking around in the palace. Having sex and getting eaten as Julius crisps. Getting fed grapes or something.

Starting point is 00:21:23 Crisp-o-patra. It's like that, isn't it? No, I'm thinking. Here comes a packet of crisps getting fed grapes or something. Crispopatra. It's like that, isn't it? No, I'm thinking. Here comes a packet of crisps. I don't want living crisps. Listen, a packet of crisps. Alright, Eli Paul. I would like to very much go into the snack palace. I think I've got

Starting point is 00:21:38 the chops. Right, we'll make me the judge of that. Nom, nom, nom. Yes, you're going in. Or no, go home. So it's either go palace or go home. That is terrible. I can't believe you came up

Starting point is 00:21:50 with something worse than snack shelf. Snack palace. So this will... Anyway, can I just bring a moment...

Starting point is 00:21:58 The snack stars will be allowed entry into the snack palace. Can I just bring a moment of clarity to everyone here, please? One moment of clarity.

Starting point is 00:22:04 Post-nook clarity. So, post-crisp clarity to everyone here, please? One moment of clarity. Post-nut clarity. So, post-crisp clarity. Nuts. Crisp and nuts. Nuts. Oh, dear, Eli. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Starting point is 00:22:13 Very poor. Cadbury's fruit and nut. Now, a moment of clarity. It's a race to the bottom this week. Similarly, similarly, go on,

Starting point is 00:22:20 to our classic segment, Silverman's Platters, where each item that we review is either a platter or a splatter we're taking that concept where something's

Starting point is 00:22:30 either in or out and we're applying it to what used to be the League of Snacks and Crisps which I said had a complicated ranking system

Starting point is 00:22:37 of four points and often came across as sometimes unfair and unbalanced it was hard and it was controversial but now we'll just say whether it's in or out.

Starting point is 00:22:46 In or out. I'm just dumbing everything down. It's the inshitification of Cheap Show. The inshitification of Cheap Show. It is, but anyway, I happen to agree with this one, but just watch out. Well, look,

Starting point is 00:22:57 our first inductee, potential inductee to the Snack Palace this week is one that we've been asked to cover on Twitter, and a few people have said they've tried it, they've given their feedback, now it's our turn. The official stamp of quality and knowledge, it's our

Starting point is 00:23:12 turn to judge. Now, Paul, what did we decide upon? When we taste this crisp, which I'm looking forward to muchly, when we decide if it's a snack star or it's gone too far? I can work with that. It's better than in the palace or going that. It's better than in the palace or I'll go home. It's still going in the palace.

Starting point is 00:23:29 But then it ends up on the snack shelf. You're a star or you've gone too far. You're a star or you're under par. Yeah. How about that? Okay. Alright. See? Negotiation, Eli. It's a beautiful thing. That's probably not going to be the last word on that, but it's still going into a snack palace. It's good that

Starting point is 00:23:45 we're just workshopping this completely. Anyway, here's what we're doing this week on Snack Stars. It is the Doritos Burger King Flame Grilled Whopper Flavour Corn Chips. Whoa! Now, what do you think? I'll tell you what, let me

Starting point is 00:24:01 just read out the back of this and then ask you a question. Doritos, this is what it says. We've partnered with Burger King to bring you irresistible new flame-grilled Whopper-flavoured Doritos made with more corn for the perfect crunch. In celebration, we're giving you a free Whopper meal when you buy a meal at a Burger King restaurant. All you need to do is claim your free blah, blah, blah, scan a load of shit and give us your details.

Starting point is 00:24:21 What, and then you can get two meals for the price of one? Yeah. Well, I don't want two meals. Not worth it. I only want one meal. No, not worth it. Eli, what do you think, then, you're going to expect, flavour profile-wise, from a Doritos Burger King flame-grilled Whopper?

Starting point is 00:24:35 There's going to be a smokiness where they try and replicate the kind of flame-grilled, you know, that kind of sluggy burnt. Burnt beef. Yes, which is what Burger King go for. I think they do spray that on. They paint on the grill lines. There's dried parsley in this. It says Whopper seasoning.

Starting point is 00:24:50 Then it just says onion powder, salt, flavouring, sugar, potassium. Yeah. Now, I'm not as familiar with the Whopper as I am with the McDonald's offering, the Big Mac.

Starting point is 00:24:59 Yeah. Does the Whopper have a special proprietary sauce? I don't know. You know the way there's Big Mac sauce. Yeah, you know the way there's Big Mac sauce? Yeah, you know it.

Starting point is 00:25:06 And sometimes Big Mac sauce gets transferred to other products, which I think I totally am into. And I think, you know what they should do as well? What? You know they've got those slightly posher sauces at McDonald's where if you get Chicken Selects, you can have like cream cheese and chives. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:21 They go all out. They should have Burger Big Mac sauce available as one of that in that range hello McDonald's boffins haven't they lobbied for that in the past I'm sure they've

Starting point is 00:25:31 I'm part of that whole movement are you yes I'm glad you stand up for something Paul there's things I want

Starting point is 00:25:36 to say about this Chris before I tell you what I think it's going to taste like go on they say we've collaborated or whatever with Burger King

Starting point is 00:25:42 that's because the parent company is the same for that, I'm sure. It's like Yum Foods or something like that, and they own Doritos. I think they own Burger King and Pizza Hut. I mean, this is a Walker's product. Yeah, but Lay's Walker are owned by... And the Lay's own Pepsi.

Starting point is 00:26:01 Yeah. Okay. Do you see what I mean? I'm pretty sure Burger King is in that camp so flavor then well we've had these before so what i'm gonna we haven't had these before we've had burger flav cheese well yeah we've had burger flavored crisps of some sort of description of the potato ones though not corn ones i've never had a burger flavored corn chip that's for sure burger not included it says at the bottom why would you expect that why would you expect a bag of corn

Starting point is 00:26:24 chips and then a patty in the middle? Probably just covering their arses. Why? Because someone goes, I bought your Doritos and there wasn't a full burger inside of it. It said Burger King on it.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Where's my burger? Now, hurry up. I'm hoping for a kind of burger sauce flavour, a sort of tomatoey, a ketchupy note. Okay. And I expect there to be

Starting point is 00:26:44 a sort of burnt, a smoky, like I say, a smoke, a slightly burnt. Yeah. And I expect there to be a sort of burnt, a smoky, like I say, a smoke, a slightly burnt. Yeah. Which is the only thing that sort of differentiates

Starting point is 00:26:50 a Whopper from like a Big Mac. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. They're flame grilled. And I would hope to have a gherkin note in there because I think it's very important. No, yes.

Starting point is 00:26:59 It says on, look, on the front it shows you a kind of animated deconstruction of a burger and you've got a little pickle there and stuff. Yeah, there are pickles in the artwork.

Starting point is 00:27:07 That would be nice. It's time to do the hoof. Here we go. I'm going to... What's the Nuff Nuff saying? He's had the first Nuff. It doesn't not smell like a Burger King burger. I'll give you that.

Starting point is 00:27:22 Have a snuff. You're saying it's quite accurate. Do you know when you open a burger up in its box, you go, oh, there's that smell? It shares that smell. Well, I'm excited now. You've sold that to me. It's almost peanutty.

Starting point is 00:27:35 But you can smell the gherkin there as well. Yeah, it's got that. It's that sort of sweetness of the gherkin, that tartness of the gherkin on the nose. It's weird, but you can almost smell the seasoning and the lettuce and the tomato over the gherkin, that tartness of the gherkin on the nose. It's weird, but you can almost smell the seasoning and the lettuce and the tomato over the burger.

Starting point is 00:27:50 There's a grassiness sort of, a lettuce-y smell for want of a better word. Well, go on, grab one. It doesn't not smell like one. It smells quite burger-y to be honest.

Starting point is 00:27:58 These might be pretty good. Well, we'll see. I've grabbed a few. Let's grab a few. Now, they say they're more robust. No, they look thicker than your standard Dorito, like they said. They look more robust.

Starting point is 00:28:09 Right, let's eat it. Okay. You definitely taste the burnt beef thing. I'm not getting any of that burn that I thought. Really? I'm definitely tasting the charcoal in that. Really? But then it gets super sweet towards the end in a tomato-y way.

Starting point is 00:28:21 Definitely. They're not unpleasant. A lot of people are saying, no, these are disgusting, make me feel sick. And I was like, I don't agree with that. I don't think I could finish a bag on my own. They're not overpowering

Starting point is 00:28:30 or sort of, they're quite subtle is what I'm trying to say. But I can definitely taste that burnt charcoal. Yeah, there's a journey there. For me, at the beginning,

Starting point is 00:28:37 you've got a kind of, definitely a kind of roast beef flavour monster munch kind of thing. Yeah. Or roast beef barbecue hula hoops. It reminds me more, no, it's more like roast beef flavour monster munch kind of thing or roast beef barbecue hula hoops

Starting point is 00:28:46 that kind of crisp it's more like the McCoy's flame grilled steak or whatever it is yeah exactly which is a better flavour to be honest

Starting point is 00:28:55 but there is something of a sort of standard beef crisp flavour as a sort of base note there well look to see where we go with this flavour

Starting point is 00:29:02 one other thing the final aftertaste if you take it all together is very kind of burgery like what was on the nose yeah the bag i think they're pretty good i have to say i am not exactly mouth crack you're not like really but they're not unpleasant when you eat them no i think it's the sweetness at the end i don't like if it retained this kind of beefy burnt kind of thing going on with a bit of the gherkin there, I'd be happy with it. But a tomato aftertaste

Starting point is 00:29:27 kind of puts me off it. Not off it, but it ruins it. Maybe the sweet note is too strong. Well, look, it's a funny thing for you to say, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:29:34 Yeah. But yeah, it unbalances it slightly, the sweetness. Well, look, I just wanted to do a very quick thing because, you know,

Starting point is 00:29:41 burgers are more of a flavour these days. You know, you have those walkers that were doing the takeaways for a while and there was like a burger flavored this that and the other or whatever so with that being said i thought well maybe i'll get another burger flavored snack and just see how flavor wise they compare so i went to morrison's and got gourmet cheeseburger flavored ridge cut 100 british potato crisps and we've had these at the christmas special that's what i was about to say.

Starting point is 00:30:05 It's the same range from Morrison's. But we had that Chinese takeaway flavour. Which was excellent. Really nice. It was... I forget these brands exist. It was a salt and pepper, wasn't it, flavour? Chinese salt and pepper seasoning.

Starting point is 00:30:15 Sweet and sour, something like that. No, it was salt and pepper. Either way, it was really nice. This, in recent years, has been a hugely popular kind of Chinese sort of flavour thing they do. They do ribs, salt and pepper ribs. They do salt and pepper crispy squid. They'll do salt and pepper rice, just rice with it.

Starting point is 00:30:32 Not soup. They don't do soup. Oh. I was trying to join in. Yes, but you can't because you don't have the knowledge, Paul. I'm sorry, I bring actual knowledge. I'm not a taxi driver. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 00:30:44 I did a joke. All I'm saying is it was very clever. I just was agreeing that though that range I was impressed with all of the ones we had at the Christmas special.

Starting point is 00:30:52 Really impressed. Really nice. And but salt and pepper is a thing that has grown in popularity as a Chinese a way of having Chinese food. Anyway, gourmet

Starting point is 00:30:59 cheeseburger flavour. I thought we'd give these a bash. These are cheeseburger flavour crisps. Now the whopper this is why you've got... There might be a cheese note in here. I'm hoping there is.

Starting point is 00:31:10 There is no cheese note in that because the Flaming Whopper doesn't have cheese on it. You have to ask for cheese. Yeah, all right. I mean, that's fine, but I just want to get the snuff off. Well, unfortunately, they just smell of crisps. Not in the worst way, but... You're getting potato, are you?

Starting point is 00:31:23 I'm not getting much in the way of anything other than crisps. So I'm just going to take a few and then hand them to Eli. Give it a hoof, but you're not going to get much. I'm going to try and

Starting point is 00:31:31 reactivate the particles. Yeah. Again, I'm getting the smell of sort of beef flavour hula hoots off that. Right, I'm going to eat this now.

Starting point is 00:31:42 These are ridged. I'm going to go in as well. Have a mastication break here thoughts fine very subtle flavor arguably almost no flavor at all i know there were wisps of it wisps of that cheeseburger flavor we're just wisps very underpowered on the flavor aren't isn't it and that's not something i that you not with the other brands they had which were quite rich in their flavor this is subtle to the point of kind of plain, almost. Exactly what I was going to say.

Starting point is 00:32:07 And if you had these in a bowl and someone said, what flavour, Chris, would you say those are? You'd have struggle. I would have said cheese and onion. Right. Do you know what I mean? I feel like... They haven't got that sort of astringent onion.

Starting point is 00:32:17 And there's no real beef profile there. No. There's no sauce thing there. There is a bit of the char, though. That char-y taste. That smoky... Tiny, tiny bit. I would honestly say that was more like cheese and onion. sauce thing there is a bit of the char though that char charry taste that uh that's mostly tiny tiny bit i would honestly say that was more like cheese and onion yeah which in itself is not bad but it's not cheeseburger frankly well the question now is when i went back in there paul

Starting point is 00:32:35 yeah with you saying cheese and onion it did that's what it tasted like on the second go for me didn't come on the first go but when you framed it that way i immediately recognized what you're talking about. Yeah. I think I prefer the Doritos to those, I have to say. I definitely agree on that, unfortunately. I'm not usually a big Doritos person. Those are good.

Starting point is 00:32:53 Those are much better than the recent special Doritos we've tasted. I think the best of the lot. They've put some effort into that. A Pizza Hut one was all right. Yeah. No, that was. That was all right. The Fidelity, I would say, were quite good.

Starting point is 00:33:04 We didn't have Pizza Hut Doritos. We did, didn't we. That was alright. The fidelity, I would say, was quite good. We didn't have Pizza Hut Doritos. We did, didn't we? No, we had those that you had in the bag. The ones that I got with the loaded pepperoni, but wasn't there a... No, they were Pizza Hut crisps. Oh, it's confusing. This is why I got rid of the fucking League of Snacks. We need to know... Oh, right.

Starting point is 00:33:20 Is this a snack stall? Does it get to go into the palace? Does it get to say something? Because you said they want to be people. This isn't going to work. This isn't going to work, guys. Hi, my name is Flame Grilled Ropper Doritos. Why does Flame Grilled Ropper Doritos have the voice of an old man? He's shrugging at me. I'll show you how to animate this.

Starting point is 00:33:39 No, no. No, we're not doing it. It's not a competition. I'll show you how to make a carrot out of crisps. Right, he's going to be Gourmet Cheeseburgerps. He's going to be gourmet cheeseburger about. Oh, I'm gourmet cheeseburger flavor. Do I go in the palace? No.

Starting point is 00:33:55 Oh. No, you're not good enough to come into the palace, unfortunately. But where? What about Eli? The problem is, Eli. But where will I go? The problem is, you don't get to have a say. But where will I go? Fuck off. Don problem is you don't get to have a say.

Starting point is 00:34:06 But where will I go? Fuck off, don't mind, don't care. Go find your way in the world. I can't, I'm a gourmet product. Right, Eli, this isn't working because you have to also pass judgement. I can talk at the same time as this packet of crisps to Israel. Go on then. Does he get to go in the palace then? No, I'm sorry, gourmet cheeseburger flavour, you don't.

Starting point is 00:34:24 Why is he Jimmy Savile? No, there's no question mark as in to think. Anyway. Right, anyway, I would very much like to come into the palace of Snack Palace. Do you grant me access? I would as well grant you access. What do you mean? I haven't voted yet.

Starting point is 00:34:41 What are you saying? You vote, Paul. No. You voted on cheeseburgers. Yeah, Gourmet's not going in. I've already said that. Yeah, but they have to say goodbye to each other because they've been cohabiting.

Starting point is 00:34:49 All right. In the bag. Goodbye, gourmet. Oh, I'll miss you. I'll miss you too. It was nice. We had some good memories on that journey. Oh, I liked it when you came up behind me

Starting point is 00:34:56 in the middle of the night and fucking... No, that didn't happen at all. You'll be hearing from my fucking solicitors on the basis of that. Anyway. Stop, please. Right.

Starting point is 00:35:12 That bit's not working. Mate, it is. It's gold. I don't want to have to animate the fucking crisps. Shut that crisp packet up. Put him in the palace. No, I don't want him to go in. I don't think he's good enough.

Starting point is 00:35:24 And because it's a 50-50 split, we don't agree. He will therefore go to the... Yeah, we've worked this out, haven't we? He's going to the guest house in the garden to live. The limbo. He's got access to the pool, but he's not allowed in the main palace. Chris, he's in crisp limbo. No, he's in the crisp guest house.

Starting point is 00:35:38 The snack guest house. Again, we try and uncomplicate something we're doing. And it's just full of the richest dips. All right, well, I'll go in. Oh, my God. I don't want to hear from you. Well, you're the first one in. So I put the heating on.

Starting point is 00:35:51 It's warm in there. But if you want to go to the pool. He's in the pool house, is he? Yeah, he's in the pool house. I'd like to go in there. Yeah, but you can't. It's only for him. All right, I'm going to be first.

Starting point is 00:35:59 I'm going to move in. Do you mind if I... It's not on the shelf. Can I bring my dog? No pet, mate. Sorry, no pet. Oh, but I've loved him all my life. Just yet.

Starting point is 00:36:07 You know what? This stops. It stops. I knew. I knew if I brought the pet to life... Maybe next week, someone will... Maybe next time, someone will get into the snack palace. But for now, Doritos, flame grill Whopper gets to go to the poorhouse.

Starting point is 00:36:21 And also, the Morrison's cheeseburger didn't go either. Yeah, they're on the bus home. But I did quite like the Doritos. I liked them fine. Again, I would have put them in the palace. I know. But you have very low standards.

Starting point is 00:36:30 So, with that being said, we're done here, Eli. One little thing. We're done here. No, one thing. Go on. If anyone out there listening does want to do a nice drawing

Starting point is 00:36:40 of Doritos Burger King Whopper flavour dog, and he's called John. Just draw it, send it to us. John Dog. John Chris Packet Dog. Fuck off. Desperate twat.

Starting point is 00:36:54 And now it's time for our next segment of the podcast. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. It's time for the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen. We like to taste noodles, instant ones, and we've got a little song we've been working on. We've been workshopping this, and we'd like to release it into your ears right now.

Starting point is 00:37:15 Should I go for it, Paul? Please start again. Oh, instant noodles all the time. Instant noodles in their prime. Instant noodles pass their sell-by date. Oi, oi, oi. Instant noodles all the time. Instant noodles pass their prime. Instant noodles pass their sell-by date. Oi, oi, oi. Instant noodles all the time. Instant noodles pass their prime.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Instant noodles pass their sell-by date. One, two, three. It's noodle time, everybody. Oh, you put them in the bowl and you add a little sauce and then you add the water because, of course, of course. No. Instant noodles all the time. Instant noodles in their prime.

Starting point is 00:37:44 Instant noodles pass their sell-by date. Sell-by date. You'll be singing it up and all the time. Instant noodles in their prime. Instant noodles past their sell-by date. Sell-by date. You'll be singing it up and down the country. These instant noodles, I think, are in their prime, Paul. Yeah. And these are ratan pepper beer noodles. What does that mean? They were made with beer?

Starting point is 00:37:59 Now, you're not going to like the way... Do you want me to scan it? Yes. And also, you're not going to like the way the English writing is. I've never seen writing more obscured by the background colour. Can you see that? No. There's English there.

Starting point is 00:38:10 Oh, yeah, there's ratan, pepper. Beer. It says beer, doesn't it? I'm just going to do a translate. The main part of the writing on this is in Chinese, I believe. Lovely turquoise coloured packaging for this noodle. And I have tasted it. I like it.

Starting point is 00:38:24 I just want to bring it to people's attention. Not beer. It says beef. Yeah, it would do. Green peppercorn beef noodle. Okay, that's what it is. It also comes in a little micro pot. Oh, I'd love to get that.

Starting point is 00:38:35 And is that a wasabi sauce with it or something? No. Oh, that's the green peppercorn. Uh-huh. Oh, right. So what did the translation actually say? Literally what it says. Ratan.

Starting point is 00:38:45 Yeah. I wonder what ratan pepper is. It says, Mastacon green peppercorn beef noodle. So ratan pepper must be, these are like peppercorns before they've been dried. I believe it's the same plant as black peppercorns. Okay.

Starting point is 00:38:58 But it's how they prepare it. Very much similar to tea. You know that green tea and black tea and white tea is all the same plant. It's just to do with their drying and preparation of the leaves. So is this one... I think pepper is similar. So I think black peppercorns are the same plant,

Starting point is 00:39:13 but I think the green ones are like processed when they're much fresher. They're literally green. And you've had this before, you say? Yes. But a long time ago. No, this year. This is a new noodle to the market in this country, at least.

Starting point is 00:39:24 And can I have that? Can you have the noodle? Can I eat it? There's no fish. You want to check the... I know, but I also bought a thing the other week where it was like, oh, this is the jungle curry, blah, blah, blah. And on the back it says, with fish sauce.

Starting point is 00:39:34 And I had two bites of it by then. And your throat started to swell. Yeah, my tongue started getting fat. But watch out for that. Paul, what I'd say on that is you need to watch out, especially for Thai and other things from that part of the world because i know for thai food they instead of soy sauce what they use in china and other places to to flavor their food it's fish sauce that they use which is fermented anchovies in a very salty

Starting point is 00:39:57 watery sauce and they use it in place of like soy do you see what i mean yeah so almost any thai dish uh in the world will have that in there. Oh, look, I found no ordinary onion steak flavoured crispy onions ready to eat in a pot. Are you inserting them now?

Starting point is 00:40:12 It's a sliced fresh onion cooked with rapeseed oil in a seasoned flour coating. Now, I thought these were unusual. We're back onto flavoured crispy onions now. He's been going about this so I'm just diving right in.

Starting point is 00:40:23 I thought it's interesting that they're trying to package them in a similar way to crisps with, like, different flavours. Isn't this meant to be in a salad or something? Well, you can eat them. I think they're trying to make it like a snack you'd eat like crisps by giving you different flavours. I saw an original and I saw this, which is steak flavoured. Yeah, I guess it is.

Starting point is 00:40:40 I'm waiting for them to do, like, a cheese and onion flavour or possibly even a salt and vinegar flavoured crispy onion. What about a chilli one or a hot one? Yeah. I mean, it's not a bad idea, is it? It's popping. He's trying to pop that. He's messed it up.

Starting point is 00:40:52 Because I went to pull the tab and it just took the edge off. We're not talking about the noodle, by the way, everyone. These are the crispy onions, flavoured crispy onions. Give it to me. You're killing me now with that. I've got something to poke it with. I've got something to break the seal with. Give it to me, Paul. Give it to me! You're fucking me now with that. I've got something to poke it with. I've got something to break the seal with. Give it to me, Paul.

Starting point is 00:41:06 Give it to me! You're fucking me off. Give it to me! Oh, give it to you. For fuck's sake. Paul, don't do that. Throw it on the floor. You're like a fucking school child.

Starting point is 00:41:21 Come on, pop it. Oh, with your one pound coin, did that work? Oh, no, you're using your big thumbs as well. Oh, look, brainiac silverman. Well, he's not doing it. So it's different because you're doing it. Don't use whatever that is. Is that a fag end?

Starting point is 00:41:34 No. What is that? Why would I stab it with a fag end? Well, what is it then? It's a little one-shot pipe. Oh, okay, right. It worked though, didn't it, Paul? Did you hear that?

Starting point is 00:41:43 All right, get in there and let's have a look. Ooh, sniffing onion. It's more beef. Sniffing, sniffing onion. I'm sniffing onion. Ooh, I'm sniffing onion. Spickle, spickle, woo. Ooh, my sniffing onion.

Starting point is 00:41:56 Please. These are beef-flavoured onions. Please, mate. Get both hands and grab onto reality as hard as you can, please. Sniffy, sniffy onion. Please, don't let go. Oh, I've got a big one here. That's a big one.

Starting point is 00:42:07 That's almost like a crisp. Give it here. They're not as crisp as they once were. Best before 2011-23. That's still all right. Are you getting any beef from that? No, not really. They're nice, though.

Starting point is 00:42:17 In terms of flavour, they're nice. You'd want them to be crisper. But what do you think? I think I'd have them in a sandwich or in a salad. Yeah. But just to eat them out of there is quite boring. I quite like that. Nah, boring.

Starting point is 00:42:28 Not really much beef on there. No, they're all right. But I don't know. I don't find them very satisfying. No, I'm not getting that. Oh, I'm going to get into these. Right, you just want to eat them like a sex pest then, are you? Is that it?

Starting point is 00:42:39 It's going to be... How does a sex pest eat onions? Like the way you're doing it right now? No, moving on. Fuck off. I'm just going to have a minute pest eat onions? Like the way you're doing it right now. No, moving on. Fuck off. I'm just going to have a minute with these onions. I don't want you to just fucking eat onions in the corner. Well, you didn't want to talk about the fucking noodle.

Starting point is 00:42:54 No, I did. You threw the onions on the floor. I'm glad. I'm glad I'm not hungover. I can see clearly now. I did that. I did that as a reference to one of our favourite prog groups because it was strewn onions, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:43:07 Eh? Who comes crawling back to Gannon's logic? Daddy Gannon's logic. Eh? Stop eating them. You look fucking demented. Yeah, but you still look like a sci-fi villain eating sandworms or something.

Starting point is 00:43:23 Put the beefy onions down and focus. Oh, I've had my fill of crispy beefy onions. Beefy onions. Right. So we're now going to go ahead and make this.

Starting point is 00:43:35 Now you said you wanted to open it first and see what you get inside. So obviously there is an illustration. Talk into the mic because I'm not fixing your levels.

Starting point is 00:43:43 There's an illustration illustration of the sachet. I always like levels there's an illustration illustration of the sachet always like it when they've got pictures of the sachet on the yeah on the um packet which has a lovely droplet illustrated there and you can see it's see-through green green emerald green a tear and i think that's really attractive and it drew me to this noodle in the first place i like the the flavors it's potentially conjuring up in my head. What flavours are those?

Starting point is 00:44:08 Like, kind of like that almost Thai curry thing going on. I don't know, it might not be that, but that's what I'm getting. It's a tasty noodle. A creamy, but also kind of spicy,

Starting point is 00:44:19 hot, peppery kind of thing. Yeah, it's a peppery thing, but it's a fresher, more earthy, green, grassy pepper than the black pepper, which is the popular peppery chocolate of thing. Yeah, it's a peppery thing, but it's a fresher, more earthy, green, grassy pepper than the black pepper, which is the popular peppery chocolate. Yes. And this is a really good brand.

Starting point is 00:44:30 They've got lots of good noodles and they've got a little chubby chef there. A little chubby chef. Yeah. Let's twist again. Now let's see. Like we did last summer. Because I can't recall.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Is that him? Chubby chef. And the Sprat boys. He likes to make fish things or something. Sprat. Now, shut up. Spraft. How about that?

Starting point is 00:44:49 Spraft. Don't start that off again. Now, Chubby Sheffer and the Spraft Boys. Fucking hell. Oh, I'm sorry. When you do it, it gets a better reaction. It has a certain... Yeah, it gets a better reaction.

Starting point is 00:45:00 Yeah, it does. Now, Paul, I think there's definitely that sachet but there it's going to be a powder sachet soup base that most things but is there a third is there some kind of dried vegetable matter what's your what's your prediction on that weird two packer or three packer i've weirdly for some reason i think it's a one packer no no well you're wrong there why do you know for a fact it's two yes i've had this before remember well then you should have said that then i've gone i've said i had this before about three times so then you know you're wrong there. Do you know for a fact it's two? Yes, I've had this before, remember? Well, then you should have said that then. I've said I've had this before about three times. So then you know.

Starting point is 00:45:27 You're not listening. Then you know if it's got an extra one in. Well, I'm trying to involve you in this because your lack of knowledge and interest shines through, doesn't it, Paul? But I am not involved mentally in this. But you need to because this is what we do for a living now, Paul. This podcast, yeah? I reject your reality. I'm at my own.

Starting point is 00:45:48 It's a lovely round. Oh, a nice round patty. A cake of noodles. Cake of noodles. Cake of noodles. Deck is just shit turf. You're right. I've dropped that.

Starting point is 00:45:59 Fucking hell. And two sachets. Three sachets. Right, okay. So what have you got? You've got one. You've got the green one with theets. Right, okay. So what have you got? You've got one, you've got the green one with the tear. Right, got that one.

Starting point is 00:46:09 We've got the green pepper oil, which has a lovely picture again of those fresh green peppers on it, photo. Then there is a sort of pasty, indeterminate pasty one, which adds proper body. I was going to say, is that like the kind of thickening body

Starting point is 00:46:22 kind of thing to the sauce? Yeah. And then what's that? This is powder and dehydrated vegetables they They put together so it's a soup base and it's got dehydrated veg It's a three packer. I am looking forward to this one. I'll be honest with you. I'm looking forward to it So we're gonna take the three packer We're gonna go into the kitchen and we're gonna come back after this sound effect and give you our reaction and then we'll taste it Yeah, gonna taste it. it. I can't literally wait.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Right, well, we're back from the noodle kitchen. Now, I didn't go in. I let Eli do all of that kind of stuff. I sat here and spaffed one out in my living room, essentially. Yeah. Really. Did it on your couch? And where is it now?

Starting point is 00:47:11 I'm sorry, Eli. I'm sorry. You're sorry about what? Saying I came in your room. Yeah, it wasn't good. It wasn't funny, was it? No. No.

Starting point is 00:47:19 And it's just like that whole Sheepshow bus thing. That wasn't going anywhere, was it? Apologise for that as well. No, I'm not. The bus I stand by. Well, don't stand too near because it will run you over. No, you apologize for that. I am sorry for that.

Starting point is 00:47:32 No, you shouldn't be. Now, this noodle, we did discover though, Paul, unfortunately. Sadly so. Because there are no obvious cooking instructions on this. And I like to follow those to the letter of the law so that I get the maximum, the manufacturer's intended results. Mate, I'm just mentally checking out this podcast. You always

Starting point is 00:47:51 mentally check out. Stop mentally checking out. I'm getting there more often lately. Just because you have problems with focus and concentration, don't take it out on us, the people who want to enjoy and discuss instant noodles. Okay?

Starting point is 00:48:08 Okay. If you know what's good for you. There was no obvious instructions on the packaging, so I asked Paul to use the Google Translate. Is that what it's called? Google Translate to translate it from Chinese to English, and it told us it was using fish sauce and shellfish products. Literally, the products wasn't just packaged in an environment that also processes those?

Starting point is 00:48:31 No, it was in one of the sauces in some respect. So Paul is allergic to fish and seafood. Which is a shame, because I was actually genuinely looking forward to trying this one. It's a great noodle, has to be said. I've noticed that the small green pearly packet has not been opened. Just because I want to show you, Paul, how bright green and delightful this stuff really is. So I'm going to squirt it on after. Nice.

Starting point is 00:48:52 All right, well, reveal the noodle. And you can also take a good nuff-nuff on this and tell us what you think. I'll take a nuff. I'd like you to do that, Paul. One other little detail. Hey, enough is enough. Enough is enough. Can you translate what the name of the company is?

Starting point is 00:49:06 Because I'd really like to know. Just for me, please. Because its little logo has a little mascot. It's a little chef. But it's not Little Chef. It's a little tubby chef, though. Again, it was a three-packer. You've got the oil pack, the green pepper, which is the gimmick or the selling point.

Starting point is 00:49:20 Master Kong. Master Kong, great. That must be him. He's Master Kong. I think I might have said that earlier when I did the other translation. No, but it's good that I know because they do a whole range, obviously, and I do like this noodle a lot.

Starting point is 00:49:32 So I'm going to... Snip it and drip it. It did have, mixed in, as I said, the soup base powder had dehydrated vegetables, nice bits of red pepper. Yeah. And I'm going to snip this now. All right.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Snip it and drip it. And drizzle it on top. And just look at the greenness of. All right. Snip it and drip it. And drizzle it on top. And just look at the greenness of this, Paul. I haven't snipped it, right? No. All right, that should do it. You ready? Yeah, go on.

Starting point is 00:49:55 Oh, it's not red green. And also, you did it so fast, I didn't get a chance to see it. Anyway, it's about the flavour, Paul. It's not about the... I can't do that either, can I? Have a sniff now. Can I put... Has that got the fish in it?

Starting point is 00:50:05 I doubt it does. I doubt it does. Put a little drip on me finger. Taste the green pepper. Ooh! It's almost piney, isn't it? Appley... Oh, pineapple.

Starting point is 00:50:14 Not pineapple, but piney, appley, fresh... It's very, like, cleaning fluid, sort of. Oh, yeah. Bitter, piney. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, it reminds me of the weed wine that I drank that time. It's so piney, isn't it? Oh, does it? Yeah. That's, piney. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, it reminds me of the weed wine that I drank that time. It's so piney, isn't it? Oh, does it?

Starting point is 00:50:27 Yeah. That's a distinct flavour. I pine for it. You wouldn't want that flavour. Hey, I pine for it. Extremely, like eating a pine cone. It's so piney. Or one of those car things that dangles from the thingy.

Starting point is 00:50:42 What's it word? There's a pepperiness there as well. But I'm going to taste the whole noodle because obviously it has other elements have a i'm going to come around with the whole noodle you can have a snuff snuff okay yes bring the bowl to me describe the look as well it looks like instant noodle in a brownie broth yes yeah that does smell nice that's a shame oh that's a shame it does smell nice. It has got a Thai curry-esque ting to it. There's a sort of curry sort of thing, yeah. Oh, and that's really like, with the whole noodle, the pepper oil really acts like a high note,

Starting point is 00:51:18 sort of brings out. See how it complements it? Hey, I've had an idea. I'm going to taste the broth. I've had an idea. You taste your broth, hang on. Mmm. It's a really nice broth.

Starting point is 00:51:31 I'm going to put this reasonably plain crisp in my mouth, but then huff the broth, and then try and combine it all in my brain stem. Do you know what that is? It's like numbing pepper, that. Because I can feel it making my lips go tingly. I'm putting the crisp in, and then I'm going to huff the broth. How lovely. Was that nice? Kind of worked in a weird way. lips go tingly i'm putting the crisp in and then i'm gonna huff the broth oh how lovely is that nice kind of worked in a weird way oh it's tingly it's almost like a numbing pepper that you've heard of sichuan numbing pepper i think it's very similar if not the sound up right

Starting point is 00:51:54 yeah but it's really got an actual effect on my lips tingling not like a chili fire like a tingling numbing great and there's a saltiness to the though? If it numbs your lips and stuff, isn't that getting in the way of the flavour profile? Is it part of the flavour profile? It's part of it. It's part of it. It's part of a sort of experience. I think it releases endorphins in a similar way.

Starting point is 00:52:16 What are they? Endorphins. It releases endorphins. I'm going to make you feel good. Endorphins in a similar way to chili. I'm the endorphin dolphin. The broth has a saltiness. Can I suck you off?

Starting point is 00:52:29 Oh, it's a really nice umami broth. Really nice. And the noodles? Just having nothing to do with the endorphin dolphin. I'm trying to taste the noodle here, Paul. I make you feel good. Make you feel good. Make you feel fine.

Starting point is 00:52:42 Why are these like street endorphins? I don't know, there's just a voice. It sounds like a pimp. It's not a pimp. Now, that's... Can we... That is a lovely, really lovely noodle. And it's the first noodle I've ever had that has that numbing element.

Starting point is 00:52:57 And there are little bits of synthetic beef, or real beef, dehydrated in the... It's not for everyone, this. It's for the hardcore, or, you know, people who actually... Let me make you feel good. Let me make you feel fine. This is very, very peculiarly a Chinese flavour profile. And I know not everyone likes these, especially in Britain, because we... Now, everyone hated that fucking chutney owl.

Starting point is 00:53:21 Tell it to fuck off. I don't know why... I'm doing animals this year. Don't, please. I've got the chutney owl, and I've got now the endorphin dolphin, which is my new favourite character. And now I've got my range of crisp characters. Mate, I'm just bleeding talent.

Starting point is 00:53:37 Someone's cut an arterial vein, and I'm bleeding out with talent. Can we just rate this noodle? I can't. It's lovely. I can rate it for you. I make it feel good. How much for blowhole?

Starting point is 00:53:53 How much for blowhole? It's a beautiful noodle, everyone. If the dolphin can shut up for a sec. It's a really delicious noodle. Master Kong. Really good. Excellent. 20 quid. 30 quid take you around the world.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Make you feel good. Make you feel fine. That's it. Paul's broken himself. That's not the endolphin we're hearing there. It's a good name endolphin we're hearing there. It's a good name, endolphin though. That's Paul himself.

Starting point is 00:54:38 That's what the show will do to you now. I think this show is going to kill me. Come on, mate. It's okay. It's okay. It's good to laugh. It's okay it's okay it's good to laugh

Starting point is 00:54:45 it's good to laugh it's good to laugh it's been a tough year so this is a top noodle a really top noodle great three packer a three packer i'd say nine i'll give it a nine out of ten a delicious noodle if you want to push your maybe explore some different flavor profiles is it going in the palace or is it not? Absolutely. Everything that's good in this show now goes to our food palace. No. Noodles is a whole different thing. There's a whole wing for the noodles to live in where they won't mix with the crisps. They think they're above it.

Starting point is 00:55:15 Why are you doing this? I don't know. I like it. I like building worlds. Yeah, but stop. Right. What's happening now then? Anything? I mean, I tried to say what

Starting point is 00:55:25 I wanted to say about this noodle. It's great. 9 out of 10. Well, good. Well, that was Eli's Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen this week. We hope you've enjoyed it. It's like that numbing pepper. And what these Chinese...

Starting point is 00:55:42 You've got to wrap this up. You've finished and you stopped talking. That's a gourmet level noodle. What these Chinese... You've got to wrap this up. You've finished and you stop talking. That's a gourmet level noodle. What these Chinese brands do so well is actually get an authentic, properly authentic, taste of the original dish into their noodles. Whereas like Cross and Blackwell, that doesn't...

Starting point is 00:55:57 Oh, mate. That doesn't taste... Mate, shut up. I'm stunned now. You've had your thing. You've skiven it nine out of ten. You like it. Highly recommended. Find've had your thing. You've skiven it nine out of ten. You like it. Highly recommended.

Starting point is 00:56:06 Find it in your local stores now, if possible. Get your hands on it. Rush out. Tell your friends. Tell everyone. Tell the world. Eli fucking gives this a nine out of ten. And lives will change.

Starting point is 00:56:18 Overnight, this country will be a brighter, better place. Full of love and share and tolerance of other people's differences. And all because Eli fucking loves his noodles. I do though, Paul, and people appreciate me for that. You do though, don't you though. I do though. Don't you though.

Starting point is 00:56:37 Right, we're going to wrap this show up. You've punctured my enthusiasm. Blowhole. It's not you. By the way, everyone, he cracked up when I said how much For blowhole It's fair Press the button

Starting point is 00:56:48 I've got nothing Well as Eli finishes off His spicy lip numbing noodle And the endorphin dolphin Swims off into the sunset And gets caught up In the tuna net of hope It's time to wrap up the show

Starting point is 00:57:03 I just have to say The dehydrated vegetables in that noodle were absolutely top there's or you can distinguish different flavors there's beef in there shut up oh what a quality noodle that was i'm nine and a half i'm upgrading it it really is a delicious it actually is delicious it's not something needs pimping really it stands on its own two feet, that noodle. Without any pimping. Mate, how long is this going to go on for? Because I'm just going to cut this out and put a glitch sound effect in.

Starting point is 00:57:29 I was helping you. Sit back, eat your noodle and shut up. Go to your happy place. I am in it. Right. Long story short. You love it. Love saying that as well, don't you?

Starting point is 00:57:42 Yeah. Love saying that. Long story short. Do you know why, Paul? Do you know why that keys into your whole mentality, that phrase? Your whole mentality is about trying to... It's about reduction.

Starting point is 00:57:51 I'm all for reduction. To make things briefer. But by doing that... But I can't because you throw in shit that I have to circumnavigate like I'm skiing down a madness wall of terror. I'm going to start calling you Paul Long Story Short Gannon. I'm going to start calling you Eli... Oh, ugly, fat, what?

Starting point is 00:58:07 Shits himself, what now? Ugly, fat and stupid? Most of which isn't true. Most of which isn't true. Yeah, most being the operative fucking word there. I have slight overweightness. I'm in my late 40s. I'm allowed to be...

Starting point is 00:58:20 I'm a short man. It looks worse on me. Go on, sorry. Just don't... Long Story Short, Paul. Long Story me. Go on, sorry. Just don't. Long story short, Paul. Long story short. Go to our website. The website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

Starting point is 00:58:31 Links there to all our social media platforms. Links there to our YouTube. Links there to our Patreon. Links there to all the various merch pages set up by artists and people like Event with the Magazines as well. The new Cheap Show magazine is on its way for Patreon people beginning of the next month. That's going to be good because I've heard. Have you heard? I've got to write some stuff the magazines as well the new cheap show magazine's on its way for patreon people beginning of the next month that's going to be good because i've heard have you heard i've got to write some stuff for it as well oh you haven't done it i love this no but i'll do it

Starting point is 00:58:52 tonight i'll do it tonight i've got to do it tomorrow well i'm gonna do it tonight anyway it's on its way and it's packed with great stuff and patrons get a digital copy for free but you can buy a physical one from events page links on our. So thecheapshow.co.uk, one-stop shop for everything cheap show you need. Simple as that. And I just want to say thank you to the patrons.

Starting point is 00:59:12 Thank you very much. Your ongoing support makes us create content of this quality every week. Don't say quality like that. That just draws attention. Quantity. We make a quantitative amount

Starting point is 00:59:24 of episodes every year. Sorry. I tried to hold back a burp. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. I thought the dolphin was coming back up your throat. And if you would like, my blowhole,

Starting point is 00:59:35 if you would like to support what we do, because I think it needs supporting, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and guess what?

Starting point is 00:59:44 There is now years of extra episodes certainly is video episodes top tier get a special visual episode we're going to record one soon um there's tons of stuff magazines videos extra podcasts commentaries behind the scenes stuff thank you patrons patreon.com pick a tier enjoy the, but give what you can, but only if you can. And that's it for Cheap Show this week. What about Twitter handles? Oh, yeah. Is Twitter still a thing?

Starting point is 01:00:11 At the Cheap Show pod. Don't fucking say, is Twitter still a thing? You just introduced a load of other things now where it's like you can't do polls and you can't vote for this and you can't do at replies. I know, it's a fucking terrible shit show, but you've been tweeting a lot.

Starting point is 01:00:23 Yeah, because it helps grow the fucking audience when you tweet a lot of social media. No, you've just fucking terrible shit show. But you've been tweeting a lot. Yeah, because it helps grow the fucking audience when you tweet a lot on social media. No, you've just been tweeting for you. Anyway. For me on my thing. Yeah, because I have psychological issues. All I'm saying is you still seem to be quite an active user. Yeah, because it's the only way.

Starting point is 01:00:35 It's the marketplace, isn't it? And until there's a better option, I don't know what to fucking do. Well, let's tell them about... To help spread the word. Let's tell them our Twitter handle, then. At the Cheap Show Pod, at Paul Gannon Show,

Starting point is 01:00:43 and Eli is... Eli Snowden. You spell that E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Thanks our Twitter handle. At thecheapshowpod, at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snowden. You spell that E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Thanks, Twitter followers. Thank you very, very, very much. That's it. Wrap it up. Your Envision.

Starting point is 01:00:53 Get your entries in. Email thecheapshow at gmail.com. You're just going to sit there and eat your fucking noodles. You want me to shut up, don't you? Yeah, but I thought you'd do a little something to help me say goodbye. Oh, scrungy, scrungy. You know what? If you're not going to bother, sit back.

Starting point is 01:01:09 What should I do? Go back to your noodle corner. Go on, go back to your noodle den. What should I do? What do you want me to say? What about that hat? Your noodle nest. Should I put that on?

Starting point is 01:01:16 No, because it's a visual thing. Oh, look at the size of this noodle. That is impressive. This noodle, everyone, I'm holding in my hand is the size of my fucking head. It's a face-sized noodle. I've never seen these before. Indomie, it's a big, what's it called? Hungry man size.

Starting point is 01:01:31 I'm going to kill you. Hungry man size noodles by Indomie. Coming up soon, if you've enjoyed the noodle content on this episode. Can I eat my noodle now? Is that enough? No, go back to your little noodle nest and eat noodles. Go on. Scuttle back to your noodle nest.

Starting point is 01:01:42 I'm not going anywhere. I'm sitting here. Scuttle back to your dirty noodle nest. eat noodles. Go on. Scuttle back to your noodle nest. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sitting here. Scuttle back to your dirty noodle nest. Go on. Sod off. Bye, everyone. I'll fucking say goodbye.

Starting point is 01:01:52 Don't forget to say goodbye to all the characters you've seen on this week's show. Say goodbye, Chuck the Owl. No one likes the owl. Say goodbye,

Starting point is 01:02:01 endorphin dolphin. No one likes the owl. Goodbye. You've got to make it feel good. And don't forget there was gourmet cheeseburger. Oh, I'm so pathetic and gourmet, Chris. And there was also Dorito flaking up to say goodbye.

Starting point is 01:02:16 You can't remember the voice. Oh, hello, goodbye to you. We've had a lot of fun this week. Oh, a little bit of beef there in that noodle, Paul. We'll be back next week. I swear to God, if you say one more thing about noodles, I'm going to smash that bowl over your head. I'm just going to crack you open. And there it is, the threat

Starting point is 01:02:30 of violence right at the end. It's not a threat. It's only a threat if I don't do it. And I'm going to do it. He threw my crispy onions on the floor. Yeah, yeah, I did. And he's threatened violence and he's been very shouty and put downy today. I think everyone will agree. Oh, play the little victim. Go on, get your little violin out.

Starting point is 01:02:46 Don't choke on your noodles. God, you're just feeding it in. Where does your beard's end in your noodle meal start, eh? Seriously, you're just sitting there, scoffing away. What else do I mean to fucking do? I try and say something, you don't let me get two sentences in before it's all boring. Fuck me.

Starting point is 01:03:05 This noodle's good, though, isn't it? Well, on that note, let's say goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. Bye, everyone. Bye.

CheapShow - Ep 326: Snax Starz

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