CheapShow - Ep 327: Silversquirt

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the Eli Silverman Show, hosted by Eli Silverman. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman. Hello. I've done my bit now, so this is all your show this week. I'm not feeling up to it. Well, I'm poorly. Paul's poorly. I'm poorly.

Starting point is 00:00:14 I feel fine, and neither do I have a hangover. Sorry, it's your show this week, so go on. Is it my show this week? Is that an actual... Is that a promise? Go on, your show this week. What does that... No, I'm not just going to accept this

Starting point is 00:00:25 because there's going to be some kind of hitch, isn't there? Tell me, what are the terms of it being my show this week, Paul? You're in charge. What's the contract? And do I get to tell you to shut up and you must shut up for the whole time I ask you to shut up for? Yeah. Right, so you can't answer me now.

Starting point is 00:00:38 That's it. That's the only rule. I get to turn you on and off. You're always welcome to turn me on because you've been turning me off for years. Ooh, like I've ever been trying to have sex with you, or get you to do anything to me of that nature. You have.

Starting point is 00:00:51 No, I... Oh, what? I hope for nocturnal bum kissing. Yeah, you do. I don't hope for that. Anyway, sorry, I'll stop. It's getting out of control. I wish you'd shut up. It's my show.

Starting point is 00:01:03 Actually, there is a new character on the show, Paul. Oh, God, wait. Who I wanted to introduce to you. Go on. They are quite shy. Yeah. They're a beast. Beast of the field.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Oh, I see. All right. Oh, no, I see. Paulie comes up with Big Daddy Bigfoot, and Eli's like, oh, shit. Paul comes up with Endorphin Dolphin. Once again, Eli considers the concept shit. I don't know what you're talking about. But it looks like, oh, shit. Paul comes up with endorphin dolphin. Once again, Eli considers the concept shit. I don't know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:01:27 But it looks like, for some reason, Eli's got some kind of feral animal character ready to go. So... Without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, here is Dopamine Mink, as in

Starting point is 00:01:43 the dopamine mink. Dopamink. Hello. I'll fucking give you pleasure. Dopamink. Wiggly. I'll give you pleasure. Come on. You want some? You want some? The Eli Silverman show has been cancelled.

Starting point is 00:02:01 Oh, come on. No, this is awful. Just some hand service. Hand service? The dopamine. You're pathetic! Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles

Starting point is 00:02:25 It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Cheat Show It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show

Starting point is 00:03:01 And I go and I nuzzle You had your chance and you blew it Off his guttles What a charming little fella I think you should pay for some of his services Because I have, Paul Okay, so let me just run this idea through Dopamine can offer hand relief

Starting point is 00:03:17 Yeah? Or both ends, actually Because they're very twisty So you can actually be on one end So to speak And they're like ferrets. They're in the family mostidae, which is a ferret family. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:28 Which has whippets, ferrets, things like that. Things of that nature. Whip it out. Martins. And you could have the dopamine, because it's like dopamine, which is the pleasure chemical in the brain. But I just want to run this theory through.

Starting point is 00:03:41 Similar to an endorphin. No, no, I want to run this theory through. You could have it on one end, and because he's so twisty, you could have the other end doing stuff as well around the sides. Yeah, all right. No, this is all well and good. The details aren't the important part right now. Or you could have him one end here, like a loofer.

Starting point is 00:03:54 Like a loofer. Like a ferret loofer. Like I'm rubbing my perineum with a towel. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's 20 quid, mate. I'll get him back.

Starting point is 00:04:03 No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just want to i just want to logically see this through so just bear with me a minute right forget the details of the actual sex acts i'm sure they're all very pleasurable and affordable yes my point is you said to me you should take up some of his services right his sexual services yes i mean that's he's he's been on the game for years please and you want me to do this. However, you are that character. So are you suggesting that you would like to have me pay you for pleasure? Which, going back to my earlier point, how is this not you wanting to have sex with me?

Starting point is 00:04:33 You're wrong. I just need to say that on all of those things. I'm happy. I'm happy if this is the character you need to be for us to get intimate. Listen, if you buy some of the ferret services, the mink services, Yeah. You want to hear a bit

Starting point is 00:04:45 backstory about the Mink? No, not really. Because I know... Rescued from becoming a fur coat. But rescued from being a fur coat but now does sex acts.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Yeah, he needs must. Musk. Needs Musk. How about that? Fuck that. Right, yeah. It was worth it just for that gag.

Starting point is 00:05:04 We're moving on welcome to the economy comedy podcast where as ever every week Eli and I go for the no no the

Starting point is 00:05:11 discount store discount we go through say it again every week every week we go through the

Starting point is 00:05:17 charity shops jumble sales and discount stores and thrippity shelves and the thrippity shelves and And the thrippity shelves. And bring you the cheap fun that we find amongst the trash.

Starting point is 00:05:28 And today it is a nice trip back to my sweet shop. The one that I opened up recently that I'm in charge of. Therefore, negating any characters necessary for that segment. I think that character, you know, I mean... So you're saying that I am a character. Paul Gannon, the sweet shop man is different. No, I'm not saying that. Because he's not. Because that would just break the whole... I think that character, you know, I mean... So you're saying that I am a character, Paul Gannon, the sweet shop man

Starting point is 00:05:45 is different? No, I'm not saying that. Because he's not. Because that would just break the whole... Can we introduce you to him? Hello, Paul from the sweet shop. Come in.

Starting point is 00:05:51 Hi, Paul. How you doing? I'm fine. Don't start this shit again. You're on. Stop multiplying, Pauls! Oh, there's a third one. Yes, now a third one.

Starting point is 00:05:58 Why is there a third one? Oh, Jossney Choddorff. And why is he saying that? No one's... Oh, there's loads of us. I can't believe it. Oh, hello. Oi, Pauls! And why is he saying that? No one's... Oh, there's loads of us. I can't believe it. Oh, hello.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Oi, pause. If all the pause could be quiet for one second. Let's all suck Eli off. Hmm. So we've got to go back to the sweet shop today to try some nice cheap treats. Cheap treats. Also, we have a Tales from the Shop floor. We haven't had one of them in a while,

Starting point is 00:06:25 mostly because a lot of them have been depressing. However, as I'd like to state again, the entries are still open for your Envision. Send your entries, no more than three minutes, no less than two, to thecheapshowatgmail.com. We are gathering tracks for your Envision, which will take place in June this year. You have until the beginning of May to get them in

Starting point is 00:06:45 and we've already received some admissions we've had a few dribbles come in we've had a few dribbles come in I was going to say as well Paul

Starting point is 00:06:51 I was going to say as well go on when you said we're open to entries send photos of your entries so do you want everyone to start sending pictures

Starting point is 00:07:02 of their arseholes I don't actually no I don't actually Paul I, I don't actually, Paul. I'm just trying to lighten the tone. Oh, yeah. I'm going to lighten the tone. Please send me your parted pussy flaps, please. No.

Starting point is 00:07:13 I don't want to see any wing pieces. Parted pussy flaps. Parted. I'm sorry. I farted. I farted. It made me farted. All right.

Starting point is 00:07:22 Oh, is that your old gran? She's departed. If you're departed your old gran? She's departed. If you're departed, old gran can party a flat. I farted. All right, fuck it, Earl. No, this is not that funny. Sorry. You don't want to throw sharted in there while you're at it?

Starting point is 00:07:43 No, sharted. No, sharted's No, sharted shit. Sharted's not a good word. It's not. Look at you. You've got tears in your eyes over that. Pathetic.

Starting point is 00:07:52 It's the sort of the chain of causality from death to vaginal widening and then farts. Your honour, exhibit A for why Eli's

Starting point is 00:08:01 remained single. Fuck me. Oh, oh, so what we've got. So if you want to get your Eurovision entries in, look at the metadata. Don't send your entries. Send your entries, but not photos. Let me get this information out

Starting point is 00:08:17 so people can at least know what they're doing. Email your entries, thecheapshow at gmail.com. We'll have ideally MP3 if you've got her. And yeah, get them in before the beginning of May and if you wanted more information or you want to know what's going on look at the description for this podcast no longer links and emails to all the other

Starting point is 00:08:34 Eurovisions we've done no longer the two minutes please no I said two minutes is fine a little bit over that is okay but if you get close to three you got less chance of being in the final oh well you've changed the rules last time I said this last week. Oh, it can be up to

Starting point is 00:08:45 two and a half minutes then. You have to be clear because then it's like, oh, we're allowing one 12-minute suite. No, I'm saying... I'm doing a prog entry. The closer you are

Starting point is 00:08:56 to two minutes in your runtime of the track, the more likely you will get through to the final selection. Okay. It'd have to be a very, very good song indeed

Starting point is 00:09:04 to warrant a longer running time than, say, two minutes thirty, three minutes, four? Get off! Fuck off, four! All right, fine. You don't want to have a clear time limit.

Starting point is 00:09:14 That's fine. Don't constrict our peoples. I'll constrict them. And just to be clear, do not send photos of your entrances. That's what I wanted to say before. What if it's the picture of their front door of their house? Oh, that's fine. I do want to see people's

Starting point is 00:09:28 front doors. Or a nice gate. Shut the front door. Yeah, or a nice gateway. Gateways? I like gates. And alleyways. What about turnstiles? Eh, not so keen. No, alright. Or don't send pictures of your turnstiles in then. Turnstile, is that where those things you have in the countryside where you stand on the plank?

Starting point is 00:09:44 That's more of a style, isn't it? Oh, that's a style and a turnstile. I was thinking it's a gateway, isn't it? It's like a kind of rotating gate that keeps people in and out. Yeah, but it comes from styles, which is the old-fashioned version. I mean, I presume so.

Starting point is 00:09:56 And then they turned. Yeah. When they turned, it was a turnstile. Yeah, I don't know what you call those bits in the country where it's a gate, but it's got like a little kind of, you know, like you move it. Yeah, they have those around here on the New River.

Starting point is 00:10:05 Do you know what I mean though? They have urban ones. Swing gates. Let's do a new podcast about gates and hinges. Welcome to Gate Show. Send photos of your entrances. By which we mean

Starting point is 00:10:15 your arsehole. Please send pictures. Hello, welcome to Hinges and Gates. The new podcast. Where we discuss pictures of listeners' arseholes. Oh, the craggier the better.

Starting point is 00:10:24 I need to wet my whistle. Shall we have a break? What do you mean, wet your whistle? Have a drink. I need a... You mean like this refreshing bottle of nice cold water I've got? Can you pour me some of that out, please? No.

Starting point is 00:10:34 I'm going to have a nice long... All I could do is wetting my whistle. I'm going to go get myself a glass of water then. Scooch it. Scooch it. Scooch. Scooch. I don't know what to say I know

Starting point is 00:10:48 I got you you haven't got me it's not good practice if your podcast host has nothing to say to his co-host well you can always just hand over the reins

Starting point is 00:10:58 to me and say Eli say something about any subject I'll talk about this I'll talk about that I'll scooch it up and I'll have you got a tale

Starting point is 00:11:05 from the disco lights? No. So that's it, right? We've got that coming up and that coming up and this coming up and we've got a show ahead of you.

Starting point is 00:11:13 That's good, isn't it? It's a cheap show. Fucking hell. It's good to have a show. We've got nice things to taste. Yeah, we do. Before then, we have a tale

Starting point is 00:11:19 from the dance floor, shop floor. And I think we should get to that as soon as possible. I don't know why you've kept this thing going I've checked out

Starting point is 00:11:26 I keep trying to end it but you can't end it can you I'll do an ending for you you need that go on end it oi

Starting point is 00:11:32 Eli think about this carefully if you bring in that mink character again no he's got to come back doesn't he no he has to

Starting point is 00:11:40 doesn't really come on oi dover mink dover mink, come on. Biscuits. I've got cake. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:49 Hey, I'm the dopamine. Hey. So, has your friend decided what he wants to do? Why does he sound like Jimmy Biscuit? Hey, I don't know. He's a little... That's me. I'm a dopamine.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Hey, I have a psychological problem. The longer this character goes on the more i worry it's going to fall into horrible racist stereotypes so i just want to move swiftly on i'm a little mink man i can't how can i be you know just mate you need to do your research no if you need to you know you're making him sound like a rabbit if you don't say rabbit to me i can't take this i don't want this anymore I don't want this anymore. I don't want this, or you, or that character. I'm a mink, eh?

Starting point is 00:12:28 No. And do you want to have sex with me for money? I've made her feel good like dopamine. That was gangbusters last week. Gangbusters. Brought the house down. Your mink is putting the house back up. Slowly.

Starting point is 00:12:41 Well, anyway, I'll leave my menu. Okay? A menu? Yeah. Let's have a look at the menu Here you are Shilling Handjob I've got a nice little soft paws

Starting point is 00:12:51 Tuppence Because I Tuppence I'm the type of creature Who lives in the water as well Tuppence Semi-aquatic they call it Which means I have nice soft pads

Starting point is 00:12:59 But they're a bit rubber A bit of A bit What is Purchase How you say Purchase. How you say? Purchase on the old knob shaft. Tuppence.

Starting point is 00:13:08 I'll go now. Yeah, I think you should go. So I was just going to say tuppence for arse play. Oh, yeah. It's not very expensive. I'll go. Yeah, please go. This has not worked.

Starting point is 00:13:19 Okay, you like? No, don't... Okay, you little fella. Come on, I've left loads of cheese down there. There's cheese everywhere. Right, now that you've gotten that out of your system, can we move on? No, he's gone., little fella. Come on, I've left loads of cheese down there. There's cheese everywhere. Right, now that you've gotten that out of your system, can we move on? No, he's gone. Fuck this and fuck you.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Get out. And stop tap dancing as well. Oh, off he goes. Hopefully forever. Can we move on? Yeah. Hello there, my children. Sit down.

Starting point is 00:13:43 It's time for one of my favourite sections of Cheap Show. Why, it's the Tales from the Shop Floor section. And I'm here to introduce to you a lovely story. And I hope you enjoy it very much because I enjoyed reading it and I hope you enjoyed listening to it. Shall we begin? Huh? I don't understand.

Starting point is 00:14:04 Why is that voice? What's that voice for? I just brought my nan in. That's not your nan. You don't want to put your real nan round me. What are you going to do to my nan? What are you going to do with me, boy? Your mum didn't. What are you going to do with me, boy?

Starting point is 00:14:17 Your nan. I actually want to start this segment again, Paul. Come on, boy. It's very poor. Oh, I'm sorry. All this coming from Dopamine. Even the name has lifted my mood. It's obviously poor. Oh, I'm sorry. All this coming from Dopamink. Even the name has lifted my mood. It's obviously a work of genius. That mink, whatever you care to say about him, his smells, his profession, is a resident. I'm Nanny Storyteller.

Starting point is 00:14:40 I know you want to tell you a story. Where did you get this story, Nanny Storyteller? Well, I part my flaps. Don't. And out slides the story in a nice little tube. You keep story tubes up your snatch. Okay. I'm listening now, Paul. I'm listening.

Starting point is 00:14:58 We got there. We need to unmask the concept, okay? We need to get to the concept quickly. I'm going to go ahead and agree with Eli from five minutes ago. Okay, everyone, we'll start again. Get back. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of an old lady queefing out stories that we read. I do.

Starting point is 00:15:16 I regret it. Okay. I put my hand up. I wholeheartedly regret that concept. Okay. So let's start this section again. We haven't done this in a while, okay? We'll just do it normally. We'll just do it normally. Hi, everyone.

Starting point is 00:15:28 Welcome back to Cheap Show. Hello. And now it's time for a segment that we haven't done in quite a while, but it is a mainstay over the years, Paul, of Cheap Show, and that is Tales from the Shop Floor. Stories, incidents, little anecdotes

Starting point is 00:15:42 from the world of retail. Started off just charity shops then expanded into all kinds of professions and businesses and now I'm going to part my bum flaps and squeeze out this week's story it's come from where chocolate's made

Starting point is 00:15:58 I'm going to just squeeze out this week this week's story you'll give yourself an embolism. Has this been a difficult story? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Has it got a lot of... Come on, come on. Oh, it's a nutty story.

Starting point is 00:16:19 Oh, is it gnarly? Is it like a log with walls? Walls? Oof. Oof. Oof. He's done a poo-poo noise, everybody. Here's the story.

Starting point is 00:16:38 Let me just clean it off. Who sent this story in? I'll sniff it and find out. This one comes from Adrian, unless I should read the email and they say don't use my real name. La, la, la, la, la. Doesn't say anything about not using their name.

Starting point is 00:16:54 So we're going to do it. This one comes from Adrian and it's a Tales from the Library. Hello, Adrian. Hello, Adrian. And here is his story. Okay. I can't wait to get into this.

Starting point is 00:17:03 We haven't done it in a while. It's a nice little bit of fun. And the 10 or so minutes it will take to read the story should heal my bottom up considerably. Yes. Because it feels like right now it's like a boxer's ear. Well, you're punched hard. He's bleeding.

Starting point is 00:17:20 His arsehole. Your ragged arsehole is bleeding where the huge spiky story came out. Imagine like taking a donut and stamping on it. That's what you're looking at right now. Are you happy? No one's happy. I'm really not.

Starting point is 00:17:36 You're right. It's true. No one is. Right, here we go. To my dearest loves, Lady Paula Gannonberry and Dame Eileen Silversquirt a bit too much effort i'm trying to be funny we're not gonna do it but we're not gonna do those characters i do like silver squirt

Starting point is 00:17:51 quite a lot it's like a bomb film or something silver squirt well we're silver squirt he squirts squirts up the eiffel go on he squirts up the what he squirts up the Eiffel. Go on. He squirts up the what? He squirts up the what? The Eiffel Tower. Okay, yeah, you did say that. Wait, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll be James.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Ah, I'm James Bond. James Bond. And I'm here to see you. James Bond, James Bond. I'm James Bond, James Bond. And I'm here to see you. James Bond, James Bond. I'm James Bond, James Bond. And I'm here to see you, silver squirt. You'll never catch me alive. What's your big plan?

Starting point is 00:18:32 I'm going to squirt me off the town. Ooh. Oh, silver. Silver squirt. He squirts in the eye of love. People are not enjoying this. I am, and I think that's mostly more important. It's killing me.

Starting point is 00:18:49 Silver Squirt. He's the guy. He's got some spunk in his eye. I see you've got a henchman called Throb Knob. I'm Throb Knob. Oh, shut up. You can talk with Throb Knob? I'm Throb Knob. Oh, shut up! You can throw a Throb Knob in Silver Square. He should be mute.

Starting point is 00:19:10 Who? Throb Knob? Like, what does he throw his knob around? He fucking chucks muck. No, maybe he beats people to death with his big dick. He has poison spank. Shut up. How does it even work?

Starting point is 00:19:20 He's got poison spank. It's good. It's not good. Because you could fling it. Silver Square would be good because you could argue his cum is like mercury. Yes. That's why poison spunk. It's good. It's not good. Because you could fling it. Silver squirt would be good because you could argue his cum is like mercury. That's why he's called silver squirt. I'm

Starting point is 00:19:31 James Bond. James Bond. And I've come to take you down. My spunk is like mercury and I do some maintenance to the Eiffel Tower. Do you expect me to talk? No, expect you to watch me spunk at the Eiffel Tower. Do you expect me to talk? No, expect you to watch me punk

Starting point is 00:19:45 at the Eiffel Tower. That's what I said. It's Frobnob. He'll fucking poison you with his cum. Right, good stuff. No, really good stuff. On a serious note, Paul.

Starting point is 00:19:59 Yeah. We haven't even got into the story yet. He would be a good villain. Villain's henchman because he could not only put the poison cum into someone's martini, say. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:10 He could also fling it. He could. It's corrosive as well. Yeah. See what I mean? It's all round henchman weapon. He likes to chuck his mark. Now, I've just said my bit now.

Starting point is 00:20:21 I've done it. Right, here we go. Here's a tale from the shop floor about something vile and disgusting as per usual. For context, this took place in the great state of Montana, USA, around the late 80s, very early 90s. Oh, it's an old classic story. Period piece. At that time, I was a literature student doing my internship

Starting point is 00:20:38 at a local library in a small dusty town. It sounds boring, and most of the time it was, but it did mean that I could spend most of my days studying up and relaxing with a few hundred good books. I don't understand. He's an intern, but he's working at a library, and it's not very busy. And it's unpaid. An internship

Starting point is 00:20:53 suggests that, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess so. But, you know, he's enjoying it, gets to read books. He's in the library. Yeah. He's got that library smell. Lovely library smell. Yeah, that lovely, musty library hall of stories. Youy library hall of stories. You know, hall of stories. It wouldn't have a nice smell if you were responsible for sourcing the books.

Starting point is 00:21:11 Would it? Why? Because they'd come out your arse. Anyway. He's in the library. Is it? He works at a library. The most notable moment during my entire time there happened one sunny Saturday afternoon.

Starting point is 00:21:21 On that day, an older woman, around mid- mid-60s came in picked up one of those cheesy romance novels with a half-naked fabio looking guy on the cover sat down on one of our easy chairs and began to read god i was waiting for something else there so no problem yet she was being quiet and decent for the time being the trouble started when she got up to go to the bathroom taking the book with her. At this point, as always, I'd like to suggest to Eli what happens next. She's going to bang the button in the store. She's going to launch the nukes, is she?

Starting point is 00:21:56 Yeah, she's going to, yeah, all right. I think there'll be some kind of masturbation thing. No, no, who wouldn't think that, Paul? I think of it all the time. No, it's a romance novel. No, it's a romance novel. She's gone to the loo. It's like, what would I do if I took a romance novel

Starting point is 00:22:09 to the loo? Yeah. Except you wouldn't make a novel. You'd take a Razmack, wouldn't you? I know. Sometimes I like classy literature. I can't really get off

Starting point is 00:22:15 to the written word. People do like erotic wordists, don't they? No, they do. All sorts make to take a world. So I don't want to assume, but what I'm actually thinking, what popped into my mind for the end of the story, Paul, is there's some kind of discharge from her

Starting point is 00:22:32 and it's sort of someone has to wipe it up or something. Right, well, let's crack on and find out. So when I saw her go, I sighed. For sanitary reasons, our library's policy was that any book taken into a bathroom had to be purchased by the person who took it. In some states, libraries can legally sell their stock for up to three quarters of the prices listed on the back cover. I went over to tell my boss. So essentially, it's against the rules.

Starting point is 00:22:57 They're saying if you take a book into the toilet, then you could be getting all kinds of poo or piss particles on it. And therefore, it's not fair to put it back on the shelf for another person to take home. Well, piss wouldn't be too much of an issue. Yeah, but if it's a guy and he's reading and having a slash at the same time. Yeah, he's probably knob flex.

Starting point is 00:23:10 He's got a bit of, you know, piss splatter on his fingers and then he licks his fingers. Greasy knob flex. Yeah, you know what I mean? Or, you know, his penis has a wonk to it and it misfires.

Starting point is 00:23:18 I know, I understand the thinking behind the rule, Paul. Just saying. There are loads of reasons why I think it's fair to say if you take a book into the toilet, you're taking that book home with you.

Starting point is 00:23:26 Right. Fine. Alright. Fine. Right. Yeah. So, I went over to tell my boss

Starting point is 00:23:31 and he said that he'd confront the woman when she got out. After waiting about 20 minutes, the woman came out of the bathroom and my boss told her that she had to buy the book.

Starting point is 00:23:40 It was a cheap paperback. I can't imagine it would have cost more than a few books at most. She groaned but pulled a few greenbacks out of her purse and handed them over. She then asked if she could continue reading the book in the library,

Starting point is 00:23:51 which he agreed to. Again, no real problem for now. A while later, the woman went back into the bathroom, book in hand. Both my boss and I saw her this time, but she'd already bought the book, so there's not much we could do about it. A few minutes later, another woman, this time looking but she'd already bought the book, so there's not much we could do about it. A few minutes later, another woman, this time looking quite proper and middle-aged, also went into

Starting point is 00:24:10 the bathroom. Shortly afterwards, this woman emerged with a look of anger and disgust on her reddened face as she marched up to my desk. Do you know, the middle-aged woman asked, that someone is masturbating in there? Yeah, of course she is. Ten points for eli silverman house

Starting point is 00:24:26 yes thank you um apparently the older woman wasn't just reading her book on the throne she was having a good old-fashioned spod off that's what said the thing and being quite vocal about it i told my boss and the two of us went over to the bathroom to solve the problem we as discreetly as possible as we waited, we heard what sounded like a hog grunting outside a Dennis Russo. Sounded like a hog grunting out a Dennis Russo song. Demis. Dennis Russo.

Starting point is 00:24:53 Demis. Demis Russo. Like a hog grunting out a Demis. Do you want me to say this bit? No, I'll say it. Like a hog grunting out a Dennis Russo song. Quickly building into a crescendo of Gregoryregory which is what nice detail said yeah when the old woman came out the bathroom my boss immediately told her that she was no longer

Starting point is 00:25:13 welcome the woman became irate and began to curse out my boss arguing that she'd already bought the book and could do what she liked with it this escalated to a shouting match yes in a library and eventually the woman stormed off growling that this was an injustice and she couldn't believe his nerve the words that my boss yelled after her have always stayed with me and i think they serve as good instructions for life in general he said i don't give a damn if you do it but damn it don't do it in here and there you have it. A Tales from the Shop floor that features not shit, but

Starting point is 00:25:48 generic joshing. Hope you enjoyed it, Adrian. Thank you, Adrian. Did enjoy it. Questions? Question? Gregory, who do we think that is? You know what jumps to mind? Maybe the character in the book. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Because this woman was mid-60s, but we're talking late 80s. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:26:03 Gregory Peck would have still been a reasonable heartthrob, right? No. But when was his era? Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. He's got a big old knobby.

Starting point is 00:26:18 He gets the ladies from B. Come on, that wasn't bad. He gets them all sloshy. He's fucking Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. I'm going to need a verse from you now. Gregory Peck.

Starting point is 00:26:32 Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Oh, if you... No. No, fail. Fail. You just full up, fail. I wasn't intending on doing a song,

Starting point is 00:26:40 and now you've thrown it on me, and now I've got to step up. So let me just think. I'm going to do some research oh god you can't research gregory peck gregory peck american actor oh i know gregory peck yeah he was in the omen atticus finch oh yeah in the omen um he wasn't so much of a sex symbol actually was he he was more of a sort of serious leading man yeah roman holiday the omen guns of navarone, Moby Dick. I love... Cape Fear.

Starting point is 00:27:08 He was original Cape Fear, wasn't he? Oh, he was good in that as well. Really good in the... Have you seen the original Cape Fear? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very good. You don't have to do a song. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:27:15 No. No, the moment's gone now, Paul. If you're all up for fapping, you want to make it happen, you better start your napping. I'm fropped. I can't't you know what i'm just trying to think aren't i don't stop stop let's talk about the rest of the story he was in a kilt to kill a mockingbird He likes to eat a brown turd.

Starting point is 00:27:46 He was in the film The Omen and you will soon be coming when you come on fire when I fucking slouch my dog off and slap my fanny.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Slab and a slap. Slosh, slosh. Slab and a slap. Hey, Paul. I've just remembered something. Don't walk out. Don't do a fake walkout! Paul! I've just remembered something. Don't walk out. Don't do a fake walk out. Come on.

Starting point is 00:28:07 I've remembered something that will... Come on. Come back. Come back. Come on, we're having fun this week. Come back. Come on. Come on.

Starting point is 00:28:19 Paul! Please, this is weird now. Stop staring into the distance come on we've got stuff to eat it's going to be fun come on have a sit down thank you don't do a fake walk out Paul

Starting point is 00:28:32 if you want a bit of fun put on a jewel in the sun and then you'll bloody come because it starts Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck Gregory Peck okay happy Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. Okay. Happy?

Starting point is 00:28:48 Yeah. A jewel in the sun? Yeah. Right. Okay. Now, I saw this product, Paul. Yes. It was called Splash.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Right. Good, eh? That it? Yeah. Yeah. Can you even tell what kind of product it is? It's like some kind of confectionery with a juicy centre. Warming to splash now.

Starting point is 00:29:08 Yeah. Splash mountain. Am I okay to cut this bit out? No, no. Cut it. No. How dare you? Gregory Peck.

Starting point is 00:29:15 Don't say that. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. We've said nothing. Gregory Peck. We've done nothing on the story. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. That's better. Let'sck. Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck. That's better. Let's just end it with that. No. We've done nothing on the story. What is there to say? An old lady bought a romance novel,

Starting point is 00:29:33 fapped it in the labs, and got told off. The end. I wouldn't do that. I would like some more... Well, I don't understand this. Batter. Did she have...

Starting point is 00:29:40 Some fanny batter or something. What do you want? You mean you want some more fanny batter? I would like the story to contain more descriptions of old lady fanny batter. Can I be clearer than that? I'll tell you what. I'll read the last bit again. Okay.

Starting point is 00:29:52 Scroll, scroll, scroll. Yeah. And then the old lady gave the book back to us and she jumped out the shop and we couldn't help but notice the book... What shop? Library. You have to do it in Adrian's voice. That didn't sound like him.

Starting point is 00:30:03 I didn't do it in Adrian's voice when I read the email out in the first place. Not in his voice, in his tombra, in his register. You know, not like something you've made up. I want it to sound more realistic. Right, in that case. And then the old lady stormed out of the library, leaving the book on the counter as she did so. When we went to put it back on the shelf, we decided

Starting point is 00:30:20 not to because the whole thing smelled of fanny spaff. Is that better? Is that what you'd like? A drippy drip. No. Dripping. Oh, goopy drips.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Obviously used their label for a bookmark at one point. Leaving a fleshy stain upon them. Is that what you want? Yes. Is that better for you? Actually, that, yes. That worked for me. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:30:42 Gregory Peck. Right, press the button then. Oh, just a lovely day in Paul's Sweet Shop. I'm Paul Gannon, proprietor of Gannon's Candies, the sweet shop that I now run for... Excuse me. The sake of it. Yes.

Starting point is 00:30:57 Why are you standing outside of your shop talking? I like to just stand outside and monologue. I wanted to go in. I actually want to... Well, come on in then. I've just opened it just now, just this second. A ting-a-ling-a-lingle. A ting-a wanted to go in. I actually want to... Well, come on in then. I've just opened it just now. Just this second.

Starting point is 00:31:07 A ting-a-ling-a-lingle. A ting-a-ling-a-lingle. Why don't you come on in? Ah! Oh, welcome in. What's that smell in here? Shit. We've got a problem with the pipes. Oh, I see.

Starting point is 00:31:16 I can't. It's one of the drawbacks to this store, unfortunately. You want to come in and see all the candy, but unfortunately it's just bog loaf. Pounds and pounds of bog loaf stench coming through. Bog loaf. Bog loaf. Bog loaf.

Starting point is 00:31:32 Now, bog loaf. He's the guy, a guy who shits out loaf-shaped turds. I'm Roger Moore. Oh, haven't you heard? I'm here to meet Bogloaf. Bogloaf. Wah, wah,

Starting point is 00:31:50 wah. Bogloaf. Anyway, sir, welcome into my shop, Gannon's Candy. Hello. Well, I'd like Chinese cinders and an old Spanish man's teardrops and a half a quarter of a pound of desensitised nail clippings.

Starting point is 00:32:09 Oh, we're just out of those this week, unfortunately, sir. Oh, I've got the pink ones. We don't, unfortunately. I've got the crispy ones. All we have are the... I've got the sugary ones. We've only got the fungal shrimp. Fungal shrimp, fungal shrimp, fungal shrimp.

Starting point is 00:32:21 Stop singing every word that's said. He's the shrimp, the shrimp that looks like a mushroom. But he came too soon. Right, okay. That's his Achilles heel. What? That he has a premature ejaculation. Fungal shrimp.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Bond, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to take over the world at one time. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You've fetched in your britches. take over the world at once. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! You fetched in your britches. You fetched in your trousers. Stop it. Stop it.

Starting point is 00:32:54 Stop it now. You have a shop to run and we have some sweet stuff to taste. We do. I've got some interesting sweets. And now, I thought we'd start with some biscuity type of things today. Biscuity things.

Starting point is 00:33:04 All of these. We're doing it in little mini segments. Mini segments. Rather like a Terry's Chocolate Orange. Yes, and like Terry's Chocolate Orange, you can drop us on the floor and we shatter. Because that's the way you're meant to do it, isn't it? You're meant to drop it and then it breaks. That's a gimmick someone made up. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:33:18 I mean, it says on the top, doesn't it? Tap on the top to break it. I hate that. I hate all of that gimmicky fast food advertising. It's like that bloody McDonald's ad from a couple of years ago well the guy gets a burger sits down and he puts his chip empties his fries into the lid of the i do that though yeah everyone fucking does it it's like fucking the first thing you think to fucking do yeah so what's the problem but then in the ad he does that and then someone else across the restaurant yeah yeah that gives him like a winky nod like yeah that's what i do oh

Starting point is 00:33:50 wow they have this little this wordless bond you and me we've got a special thing because we put the fries in the top of our fucking cardboard thing like every other cunt you and me we figured out the cheat code you know what i mean we figured that cheat code you know why you know what i'm doing and that i i feel like dropping the terry's up chocolate orange yeah it's going to be one of a cunt. You and me, we figured out the cheat code to lie, didn't we? You know what I mean? You know why I object? And I feel like dropping the Terry's chocolate orange is going to be one of those things. You're doing it. Who's doing it? You do that as well. Of course I do.

Starting point is 00:34:14 You peel your banana, do you? Oh, not me. Oh, like me, I peel it. Shove it! Go on. Go on. Where's it going to be shoved? Maybe listening at home, you'll have an idea of where he's going to shove his banana. But let's see where this goes i i think meet us but let's see where he goes i was thinking meet us but meet us is delete us because i'm going up the arse i'm sorry come on we're gonna eat some stuff i'm not in the mood to keep on a tange i'm tangenting is what i'm saying

Starting point is 00:34:42 shuttle we're gonna to try these. These have always been sourced from the B&M that we went on a shop around recently and we bought some sweet shop stuff to sample. And this is a lot... Is it Lotus? It is Lotus. Lower rice slip the B&M was in. Yes. This is Biscoff and Go.

Starting point is 00:35:00 Biscuit spread and breadsticks, it says. So I imagine it's a spread based on the famous flavor of uh biscoff biscuits which are those free biscuits they give you in certain types of cafes that you once said you couldn't buy in packs and then i instantly and everyone online instantly said yes of course you could buy them in packs but i think their popularity has gone up because their offering has been diversified obviously to hence this product and i'm sure you can get that in jars like and I'm sure you can get that

Starting point is 00:35:25 in jars like Nutella oh you can you can get Biscoff spread in big yeah like Nutella jars and again I think it's they did there was someone

Starting point is 00:35:32 who did it online or something made used the biscuits to make a big splodgy mess oh well you can make a cheesecake with this kind of spread

Starting point is 00:35:39 that's it that's what I'm thinking of which is I'd imagine quite nice I've not done it a Biscoff cheesecake yeah that's really fucking nice

Starting point is 00:35:44 so I'm expecting a kind of Nutella it's like A Biscoff cheesecake. Yeah. That's really fucking nice. So I'm expecting a kind of Nutella. It's like choc dip, isn't it? It's a choc dip, but it's more of a nutty. Is it nutty? Would you prefer to dip your breadsticks in a cheese dip or a choccy dip? Like a Dairy Lee dip or something? I would go for the Dairy Lee.

Starting point is 00:35:59 I'm always going to go. Yeah. I'm a savoury hound. I'm a savoury hound. Well, you've got more of a sweet tooth than I do, Paul. True. But I think when it comes to these kind of things, I'd much rather have a cheesy dip than a chalky dip. Yeah, same here.

Starting point is 00:36:10 Bisc off and go. So this is for a lunchbox, do we think? I'm trying to scratch at some pervy thing to go with bisque off and go. You don't have to. I do. You don't have to metaphorically take your clothes off to have a good time. Excuse me, darling. We've had a good night tonight. Fancy coming back to my place for a bisque off and go?

Starting point is 00:36:26 It's not going to catch on, Paul. No, it's not. Oh, well. All right, here we go. Let's open it up. Bisque off. I was fuming. Now, do you...

Starting point is 00:36:34 No, come on. Come on. No, I just don't get it. Bisque off. I was fuming. Pissed off. Oh. Bisque off.

Starting point is 00:36:42 Oh, look at it. It's very diarrhea coloured. He's opening it now. It's got a... It has a very... Well, I mean, it's just a Biscoff-y colour. It's that nice caramel. It's a twin-pack product, and one has little biscuit sticks,

Starting point is 00:36:56 very much like a chopped dip, if you know those, and the other is the sauce pot. Sauce pot. And again, it's that same caramel-brown kind of Biscoff-y colour. It's almost a dark color it's a light almost a dark beige or a light a toffee colored what's the smell like it's a very thick i thought it's gonna be runny but actually this is quite thick and uh gloopy very dense it's a bit denser than the chocolate isn't it it's a bit more watery there so um not much to say about these i've

Starting point is 00:37:19 always found you never get enough there's not much smell of that is there i was expecting a sort of caramelly or something. It's there, but it's subtle. It's the mashed up biscuits, isn't it? I mean, I don't know how they make it. What does it say on the lid?

Starting point is 00:37:31 Can I see this, please? It literally just says biscuit spread and breadsticks. Yeah, biscuit spread, you see? It's made of biscuits. Now the smell is making sense to me. It's made of mashed up biscuits.

Starting point is 00:37:42 I mean, I don't think it's made, I don't think it's like this. Yes, it is. It's got, why is it called biscuit fucking spread saying that i'm sure your process is a bit more complicated than just mashing up a biscuit because they have to add that viscosity to it don't they right i'm crunching on this now yeah that's perfectly lovely it's nice especially if you like those kind of biscuits it's reminding me because of the crisp sort of unsweetness of the biscuit stick of a

Starting point is 00:38:07 crouton or a bread stick. Like a, what are those biscuits? Biscuits? No, those ones with shut up. Rich tea. Yes. A rich tea biscuit. You knew what I was trying to get to. Yes. It's like a rich tea biscuit, isn't it? Yes. But it's not. Don't try and say I'm an idiot when you

Starting point is 00:38:24 can tell what I'm actually trying to say without even i must be onto something yeah but it's a bread stick it has a very obvious bread flavor which goes nicely with the very sweet biscuit dip but here's the thing i often find you never get enough bread sticks for sauce you know i feel like the ratio is off you always end up with either loads of uh dip left well you need that's your that's on you you have to to organise your chip to dip ratio. What is that ratio? How have they mathematically measured this out? Do they know that if you do the

Starting point is 00:38:51 exact amount of dip per scoop of your breadstick? They make some kind of calculation on that, probably, don't they? But Paul, what's the problem? You've run out of breadsticks, you just finish it off with your finger. That's how I please the ladies, yes. Perfectly lovely.

Starting point is 00:39:08 They were a quid were they? Something like that? Yeah, they weren't that much more expensive than a quid. I think it was like... Nice. Yeah, so... Probably not very good for you.

Starting point is 00:39:15 In Gannon's Candy Store I like to ask my guests who come in to test my products whether I should stock it or block it. Oh God, it's the fucking en-shitification again enshitification of

Starting point is 00:39:26 every single segment is going to be the same just like all the fucking app designs on your phone what ratio I don't want I want to just do it

Starting point is 00:39:34 like the old fashioned way give it a mark out of five or whatever well you do that then don't binarise everything I'm not I'm just you did

Starting point is 00:39:41 what did you say we stock it oh it's a shocker fuck this do we stock it or block it? Or would it be something we should stock in my candy store or block from ever being sold again? I can't...

Starting point is 00:39:51 And then I'll allow you to give it a score. I think you should stock it. Yes. It's a three out of five for me, Paul. Perfectly nice, but what's it for? You wouldn't want that as part of a box, innit? It's a lunch snack thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:03 You'd want something a bit more nutritious, like an apple in there, wouldn't you? But again, if I'm going to have a lunch box, I would much rather have the Dairy Lee dippy thing, you know? That'd be good for like an office worker, if they're grabbing a coffee on their lunch break,

Starting point is 00:40:13 wouldn't it? It'd be nice with a little coffee, that. I'd go with that. It definitely goes, that's how the Biscoff biscuits were manufactured. They're supposed to go with coffee, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:40:21 But this is why I like the Dairy Lee thing, because what you tend to get is, the quote unquote blandness of Dairy but the breadsticks are more interesting. They've got chives or something and there's a bit more flavour at that end.

Starting point is 00:40:30 Those are nice. Those are nice those ones aren't they with the chive sticks and they're almost like large chip sticks those ones aren't they? Well that's the problem. They have a sort of texture.

Starting point is 00:40:39 Yeah. The problem is that all these breadsticks are a delivery system for the same old biscotti biscuit taste, right? It's quite boring. Maybe I'll go down to 2.5, actually. They're nice.

Starting point is 00:40:49 You know, I'd eat it, but it's nothing special, is it? And that Biscoff flavour is just the Biscoff flavour. Yeah. Which I don't know what that is. It's sort of a bit... There's a bit of a burnt biscuit flavour and a bit of... It's a biscotti spread. Biscoff, pissed off, more like.

Starting point is 00:41:03 Ha, ha, ha, ha. Now, that was... What, that was a joke you were going to make before what's next in the shop this is something you picked out that you wanted us to try on the podcast so we're going to do it i've never seen this before it's a cabri's dairy milk crispello did i pick that out yeah crispello it is fingers of like crispies coated in milk chocolate so it's kind of like a kit kat but with little biscuits in instead of like a wafer. This would be nice.

Starting point is 00:41:26 This would be, what were those ones, Snack Time, where they called the little biscuit, little chocolate biscuits? Snack bars. I like those. You know what?

Starting point is 00:41:33 Have they stopped making those? No, but I had a pack maybe about a year ago because like, oh, I haven't had them since like my childhood, but I tasted them.

Starting point is 00:41:41 They didn't taste like anything in my remembrance because it like, it tasted off. Everything tasted off everything tasted off and when you say off you mean not right rather than actually rotten

Starting point is 00:41:48 the biscuit felt off and the chocolate felt fake and I looked at the sell by date no it was perfectly within its sell by date it was just horrible it's horrible now

Starting point is 00:41:56 they probably changed the recipe so I don't know maybe this is more like what a snack bar used to be like because it's I don't think

Starting point is 00:42:04 you can get this in the UK as a proper thing because even here it says on a little sticker produced in egypt imported by some company to amsterdam the netherlands oh so maybe why it was from b&m wasn't it i yeah but sometimes b&m get their stock from europe don't because they get they get australia and they get it cheap don't they that's why yeah interesting but that's why it's an interesting place for us to find stuff to taste, isn't it? There you go. You know? It is, because you do get variations on a theme. So, little side note,

Starting point is 00:42:31 do you know we, every now and then, we get those things that are like flump, or fruit salad, or wham bar flavoured? Well, we've had a lot of drinks recently. We had the waters and the actual sodas, yeah. On Instagram, I saw one of those companies, you know, that do the kind of nutrition meals where it's like slop in a jar and you eat it and a lot of fucking...

Starting point is 00:42:50 Like Huel. Yeah, like Huel. But they were doing now a range of Bassets or Barretts, whatever it is. Barretts, Bassets, candy flavoured. Flavoured Huel. Yeah. So you could have... They had Flumps and they had Wham and they had...

Starting point is 00:43:03 That's what I mean. They just own the copyright to those flavour chemicals. It's weird and they'll just give them it anywhere. I almost sometimes think they sell it on the iconography rather than the actual flavour. But there must be something. There must be a proprietary copyrighted chemical make-up of what they are. Wasn't there, surely? I think if you can create something that tastes vaguely like the item it's based on.

Starting point is 00:43:23 I don't know. Job done. Anyway. Flavour boffins, get in touch. Right, so describe it to them, Paul. It's a stubby finger of chocolate that is going to be packed with little circular biscuits. And you get four in a pack. Yeah. Kit Kat-like.

Starting point is 00:43:35 It is, but they don't have Kit Kat Cadbury's, do they? No. So I know it's going to eat it. It's very sweet, isn't it? It's got that kind of empty sweetness. Do you know what it reminds me of? You know when you get those mini Malteser bunnies where it's mostly chocolate,

Starting point is 00:43:49 but they have those pellets of Malteser malt within them? It's like that, yeah. Or honeycomb you get in Maltesers, don't you? No, it's a malt biscuit type thing. In Maltesers? Yeah, that's why it's called Maltesers. Oh. Yeah, there's no honeycomb in them.

Starting point is 00:44:04 But weren't there all those ads where they bit into them and showed it? Yeah, but that's the malt. That's the malt teasers. Oh. Yeah, there's no honeycomb in them. But weren't there all those ads where they bit into them and showed it? Yeah, but that's the malt. That's the malt. That's the malt biscuit. Yeah, the same malt you put in a milkshake. No, I meant it's sort of a honeycomb sort of shape, the stuff. It's sort of like an... No, it's an airy biscuit.

Starting point is 00:44:16 Yeah, it's like a spongy, airy biscuit. But not the honeycomb. It's like that honeycomb you used to buy in the 80s that came in a big, thick box. It was a different thing, yeah. Oh, I've listened back. Oh, you're getting a boner. Yeah, I used to fucking love them back in the day. Those honeycomb bars.

Starting point is 00:44:27 Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I've got a proper fucking... I know, you like those. This, however, is the Crispello. It's perfectly fine. It's fine. The chocolate isn't very good quality. This is the problem, though.

Starting point is 00:44:39 It's sugary. It almost feels like Americans like a Hershey's or something. That's what I was going to say. It has that kind of Australian American profile chocolate yeah where it's slightly more waxy and overly sweet

Starting point is 00:44:49 yes it doesn't taste like a dairy milk chocolate base no but still not too bad it's not too bad should I stock it

Starting point is 00:44:56 or block it I would I would block it I would block it you're going to have so many more different similar things

Starting point is 00:45:02 similar better things did they sell it's not terrible I'd give it if we want it the score out of 5 everyone please do I'm going to say more different similar things similar better things did they sell terrible I'd give it if we wanted to score out of five everyone please do

Starting point is 00:45:07 I'm going to say 1.75 2 that's rational yeah that's down to earth and sensible wasn't great

Starting point is 00:45:14 wasn't I mean wasn't nasty actively nasty no it was I was expecting to kind of go

Starting point is 00:45:20 yeah but I finished the finger it's a fine if simple it's a heavy finger based episode it's a fine if simple it's a heavy finger based episode it's a fine if simple

Starting point is 00:45:27 combination of a biscuity crunch with a chocolate sweetness yeah and as I say I don't know does nothing else doesn't ask any

Starting point is 00:45:33 questions doesn't want to come round here doesn't want to borrow your fucking milk borrow your milk no just have some

Starting point is 00:45:39 sorry mate I'll borrow your milk then I'll fucking puke it up squirt it back into your bowl milk comes out the end it back into your bowl. Milk comes out the end.

Starting point is 00:45:49 Jack off into your Cheerios. It's milk, isn't it? Yeah. No. I was going to say, I don't know if it was ever originally sold in the UK at some small window of time. Oh, you think maybe

Starting point is 00:45:57 they've gone for it because it's made elsewhere in the world and there might be a slight nostalgia thing for some people. Maybe Australians who live here, sorry. No, I was going to say, sometimes I've seen them sell Australian dairy milk products,

Starting point is 00:46:10 Cadbury's products, and they had those ranges of chocolates you just don't get over here, like Dream Bars or whatever they were. So, I don't know. Next and final item. You wanted these. This was the ones I wanted. I don't remember picking out the Crispello. Did I pick that out as well?

Starting point is 00:46:23 Yeah, you did. You specifically pointed that out and threw it in the basket. I think it's one last thing on the Crispello. Hello, I out the Chris Bello. Did I pick that out as well? Yeah, you did. You specifically pointed that out through the basket. You know what? I think it's one last thing on the Chris Bello. Hello, I'm Chris Bello. I'm Marty Bello's brother. Oh, yeah. From Wet, Wet, Wet.

Starting point is 00:46:32 And even, I don't have the Scottish accent. No, I was about to say. I was born in Swindon. Is that a Swindon accent? I see you with my fingers. No, why are you singing? You're not a singer. I do a knockoff band of Chris Pello.

Starting point is 00:46:47 What are they called? Dry, dry, dry. Dry, dry, dry. Love is all around you. I still feel it grows. Now, Chris Pello. Yes. I'll be asking you to leave, please.

Starting point is 00:47:00 All right. Do you like wildlife? I like, I'll see that mint guy on the way in. Oh, yes. I'll see if he gives me around the world. He can deal with anything you have coming. So,

Starting point is 00:47:08 one last word on the Crispello. I'm doing it again. The fucking owl. He's going to do the owl. Don't do that fucking owl. Woohoo!

Starting point is 00:47:17 He smells of gravy! Right, we're doing this next item. One last thing on the Crispello. Alright, go on. Jesus. Go on.

Starting point is 00:47:24 On the packaging of the Crispellos, which you, go on. Jesus. Go on. On the packaging of the Crispellos, which you can see on the photos on the website, everybody. Look, they have three colours, four colours, indicating the four fingers

Starting point is 00:47:32 that you get in the bar. But the fact that they're different colours, to me, Paul, I thought they might have different fruit-flavoured marshmallow inside or something like that.

Starting point is 00:47:39 That would be fun, but no, you're right. Do you see, that's why I picked it out. Yeah, no. Because I thought, do you agree, though, that that's what it sort of suggests?

Starting point is 00:47:46 It suggests that there are flavours at play. But there isn't. They're all the same flavour, aren't they? Just biscuit and chocolate. I think it's just a colour splash to draw the eye. That's all I wanted to say about the Crispello. Bit deceptive, bit deceptive. So, next, final on this part of the show,

Starting point is 00:47:59 Milky Way biscuits. Because, you know, I love Milky Way. You do love Milky Way. It's not a flavour profile that's ever made me violently sick in my life. Why? Because it's milk chocolate sort of thing. These are weird. These are not what I thought they were going to be.

Starting point is 00:48:12 I thought they were going to be like custard creams, these. That were stuffed with some kind of milky filling. Milky Way filling. They're not. It looks like it's a vanilla biscuit of some kind with a chocolate bottom. What does it describe itself as on the packaging? Let's see what it says on the packet, please, Paul. Short cake biscuit with a milk chocolate base.

Starting point is 00:48:29 So how is it Milky Bar, then? The chocolate's meant to be on the bottom, is what they're saying. And that's the way they are up in the pack, isn't it? Yeah. But chocolate is the base. This one's got a little satellite on it, on the biscuit. Oh, there's lots of different designs. Yeah, it's nice.

Starting point is 00:48:40 There's a robot there, Paul. Beep bop. And I've got a rocket there. Yeah. And then there's a Saturn-like planet. Is that the one you got? No, I've got a little satellite. Oh, that's different as well.

Starting point is 00:48:50 Yeah. Well, I'm going to try this. I quite like those. I was worried at first that it was going to be a heavy Milky Bar cream filling kind of thing. Yes, you'd have like a jammy Dodger. But instead of jam, you'd have Milky Bar, that whipped up stuff that's in the centre of Milky Bars. Or as I say, like a custard cream. But I'm going to go into this because shortbread's fine.

Starting point is 00:49:06 I like shortbread. I love shortbread. As long as the chocolate isn't repulsive, we could be all right here. Oh, the mastication action. Oh, hot stuff. That was fine. Fine. Perfectly normal sort of shortcake biscuit.

Starting point is 00:49:18 Couldn't really taste the chocolate. No. It was just a very fine, if slightly cheap, flavoured shortbread biscuit. So, not very good in terms of selling me the idea of eating a Milky Way. No. Or anything. No, not really. As I say, if you hadn't told me it was a Milky Way,

Starting point is 00:49:36 I wouldn't have suggested it was branded that way. No way. Although I am going to do this. Oh, he's dipping his Milky Way biscuit into the remaining Biscoff. Biscoff. Biscoff biscuit spread. Biscoff biscuit spread. Quite nice. Oh, yeah. Let's do a little cocktail. Yeah, he's doing a dip. He's dipping his Milky Way biscuit into the remaining biscoff. Biscoff. Biscoff biscuit spread. Let's do a little cocktail. I'll give that a two again.

Starting point is 00:49:51 I mean, is that okay? Two out of five? They're not offensive, but just not anything really happening with them. The best thing about those is the different little designs they have. The best thing I can say about them is they are unremarkable. They're not offensive. They're fine. Stock them or block them?

Starting point is 00:50:07 Block them. Fuck them. I'll give them a two and I'll block them. So, of the biscuit section, what was your favourite of those three items, Paul? I mean, I'm going to have to

Starting point is 00:50:14 probably say biscotti, biscoffi, whatever it's called. Biscoffi. Biscoffi. They missed a trick there, didn't they? Boffins. Biscoffi with biscoffi.

Starting point is 00:50:21 Yeah. Ah! Biscoffi. Breadsticks. Large breadsticks What about this? I've Spoffy in your Biscoffy Right, we'll be back after this short break

Starting point is 00:50:31 Oh, I've shat, it's toffee Don't finish your thought You've started so you'll finish Oh Spoff my Biscoffy toffee off Wasn't really worth it Wibble wobble, wibble wobble, jelly on a plate. A wibble wobble, wibble wobble, jelly on a plate.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Jelly on a plate. Jelly on a plate. Wibble wobble, wibble wobble, we're eating jelly on a plate today. No, it's not. In fact, that's a lie though, isn't it? Is it? There's no plate in here. Jelly on a spoon.

Starting point is 00:51:02 Jelly on a spoon. Jelly on a spoon. I'll take you to the moon. Let me give you some jelly on a spoon. Jelly on a spoon. Jelly on a spoon. I'll take you to the moon. Let me give you some jelly on a spoon. How about that? Nah. Oh, God. Paul, shall we go against expectations and not compare the

Starting point is 00:51:16 jelly to anything? It tastes like spunk! Right, here we go. We've got some jellies. We've never done jellies on the show. We ain't never done, no. I bet we have. No, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:51:30 Paul, I always ate a panna cotta in an Italian restaurant the other day. It's a big cake thing, isn't it? No, it's like a custard jelly. It's milk jelly, is how I describe it. Oh, I don't think I've ever had that. No, fair enough. I didn't bring it up because it was quite nice. I kept it down. Good, yeah. Delicious p I've ever had that. No, fair enough. I didn't bring it up because it was quite nice. I kept it down.

Starting point is 00:51:45 Good, yeah. Delicious. Panna cotta. Let's just get into this. Oh, Paul, let's just get this started straight away. By the way,

Starting point is 00:51:52 panna cotta. Panna cotta. Right. We bought some little jellies. So I don't think we've done jellies before. We might be wrong, but we're doing it again

Starting point is 00:52:01 because we saw some jellies that have been branded by some familiar flavors that we've done in the past right plus some generics the genetic well not the genetics like brands compare them against because basically just to quickly sum up we've got some slush puppy juicy strawberry jelly some vimto jelly and to match them up i've got a hartley's now hartley's are a brand again they're not just a generic. They make jams and jellies. We have got some Hartley jelly, but it is 10 cal,

Starting point is 00:52:28 which suggests to me this is like their diet jelly product. So it's not the full-on full strength, but there's a strawberry one to match the slush puppy and a... This is a blueberry and blackcurrant jelly. Blueberry and blackcurrant. Okay, a very purple jelly. It's close as I could get to Vimto.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Yes, I think that is very close to Vimto. Because all it says here on the bottom is, Vimto flavoured jelly made with the secret Vimto flavour. Yeah, they're very... Was it always a secret? Yes. Isn't it just like blackberries and plums or whatever? No, it's that distinct Vimto flavour.

Starting point is 00:52:57 That's why they've been so successful. Sort of like that KFC secret spices or whatever. It's like Iron Brew or whatever. It's like, you know. It's their own proprietary special Vimto flavour. Yes, and because they're huge in the Middle East. Is it? They have certain festival.

Starting point is 00:53:10 I don't know which one it is. Like a big, I think it's a big Islamic festival. It's part of the tradition. In a similar way, like people in Japan celebrate Christmas with KFC. It's like a branded thing that's become a huge part of a tradition. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:23 I don't remember more, but I read an article once that Vimto is huge in the Middle East. Good, good, good research. Good research. I'll have to look into that. What do you want to start with? Let's go with the slush puppy because I think it's going to be the worst. Maybe. Because we've talked about slush puppy before.

Starting point is 00:53:36 You had those chews and the bonbons and all sorts of things. And you were like, it doesn't matter. It's just generic strawberry or whatever flavour. Really terrible. There's no, there's no, nothing to it, you know. Even worse than things like those it doesn't matter. It's just generic strawberry or whatever flavour. Really terrible. There's nothing to it, you know. Even worse than things like those flumps and stuff. At least they sort of taste like what flumps used to taste of, or whatever, you know.

Starting point is 00:53:52 But this is the thing about this jelly, right? In that, so, I guarantee you, if we'd got 100 different types of pots of strawberry, they would all taste the same. What makes this one stand out, and what makes people want to buy it, is its association with the brand of slush puppy. Right?

Starting point is 00:54:06 That's kind of it. Oh, I'm just getting that. That hit as soon as I open it. I'm opening my pot. That's just pure... Oh, Christ. Whatever the chemical is, that is the artificial strawberry.

Starting point is 00:54:16 It's almost that school sports day cordial kind of strawberry flavour, isn't it? What? School sports school. Did you not have sports day in your school? Sports day. I don't understand. I'm just imagining the gym.

Starting point is 00:54:34 You're imagining... You know what? I don't want to know where your brain's going. It's just funny. It just made me laugh. You say that made me laugh i don't know what i don't i genuinely don't stay it's the fact that did you not have cordial sports day cordial special cordial on sports day what are you talking about we used to have like big you know but it

Starting point is 00:54:59 wasn't called no one has said it was just cordial it was cordial any time of the year i associate with drinking on a sports day. That's what made me laugh. The way you kind of poetically did that. And I wanted you to go further with what was going on. I wasn't going to, because I didn't think it was going to be that much of a big fucking deal. And we'd waste one minute talking about.

Starting point is 00:55:18 Let's eat this jelly then. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm in a good mood. What's the texture like? It's kind of runny on the top and thick on the bottom, isn't it? I don't understand that about jelly. It almost gets that water at the top, doesn't it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Oh. It tastes like a strawberry jelly to me. Christ. That's sweet. Yeah. And you can taste the sweeteners there. You can still taste sweeteners and it's sweet. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:36 That's just generic, man. Well, here's where I want to run it against the Hartleys. There is a slight sort of artificial tartness as well. Do you know what it reminds me of? Apart from fucking sports day. I don't know if you said it. It's like when you get... Sports day cordial. It's like when

Starting point is 00:55:52 you get... I could be such a euphorism. Have a sip on the sports day cordial. It's that same flavour you get from like a panda pop strawberry or a Mr Freeze pops when it's gone melty and there's a little bit of juice left at the bottom. 100% with you on that Paul, I agree. gone melty and there's a little bit of juice left at the bottom. 100% with you on that, Paul. I agree.

Starting point is 00:56:07 It's almost like there's a giant jelly factory that just pumps out the same stuff into different marketed boxes. I think that could be the case. But now we're going to taste the 10% Huntersons. Is it Huntersons? No, it's not. It's Hartleys.

Starting point is 00:56:20 Hartleys. Think of Yellow Pages. Yeah, if you need to think. I was looking for jelly. Yes, my name. Wibble wobble heartly. Yeah, good. Now, this strawberry has a darker hue.

Starting point is 00:56:35 It's a much more kind of Ghostbusters 2 slime colour. Well, no, it's much purpler than this. It looks orange in comparison, the slush puppy one, doesn't it? Now that we compare the two it looks well orange it actually looks kind of fecally it does look brownie orange

Starting point is 00:56:49 it looks oh it looks like a Knorr sauce pot cube thing yes it doesn't the colour isn't very good on the Slush Puppy one is it

Starting point is 00:56:56 to the eye now it looks like that doesn't look like strawberry either that looks too purple to be strawberry again it looks more like the slime from Ghostbusters 2

Starting point is 00:57:03 ah pinky purple. I'm going to give this a taste now just to see how it goes and I'll hand it to you just after my mastication. What's the texture like there? It's a little bit more runny.

Starting point is 00:57:13 It smells almost exactly the same, right? It tastes very different, but it's still that fake strawberry thing you know. It's hard to explain. It's both very familiar and yet it's almost like chalky or pastoral,

Starting point is 00:57:24 you know, like kind of palm of violety kind of. Well, let's go to the first thing that jumps out, Paul, and that is much less sweet. Yes. Yes. In a good way. In a good way. It's less tart. Yeah, and it's less of that artificial tartness, that acrid sort of.

Starting point is 00:57:39 Yeah. Almost that sort of Coca-Cola, what makes Coca-Cola have that sort of tartness, you know? But it's much nicer. It is. It's much nicer. I've just had another go at the slush puppy one again. Oh, I much prefer that Huntley's. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:51 Huntley's. It's much more, I mean, look, they're all, it's all fake shit, but what I'm saying is that one, you can taste the artificiality. This one affects some kind of natural. There is still a sort of aspartame or whatever sweetener aftertaste on the Huntley's,

Starting point is 00:58:03 but it's not as bad as that whole, the overly sweet sort of sharpness. I don't like the Slush Puppy one. And it's just more artificially somehow, even though. Do you agree, though? I agree. Stock it or block it? Block it. We're going to block the Slush...

Starting point is 00:58:16 Yeah. Now it's time for the Vimpto Jelly. Vimpto, Vimpto. Now it's familiar in its colour. It's a very purple, rich kind of... Is there such a thing as a royal purple? I don't know. It is a dark purple, I guess is what you'd call it.

Starting point is 00:58:29 Paul, this is the exact same pot that the slush puppies came in, and that was terrible quality. Yeah. Hmm. What's the nose saying? It smells like Vimto, to be fair. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:39 Oh, he's drunk the water. He's drinking the Vimto juice. Oh, God, that's all strange. That's like taking a pure hit of it. That's probably connoisseurs, like, I just drank the water off the journey. I just got to smell the bouquet. Oh, I guess a 19... Oh, yeah, that's very Vimto, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:58:56 It's a 1994, I believe. You know, there's what Vimto has. It has those fruit notes, but it also has a strong vanilla. Think about it. It's got a creamy thing going on. That's the vanilla. But you can taste grape almost. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:08 And definitely blackberry. I've grown to sort of like it more, the taste of Vimto, over the years. I think the thing is, the older you get, the more nostalgia you have for it. That's weird. Because I don't remember liking it as a kid. I remember it thinking it tasted kind of cheap and shit. I'm going in. I'm going in.

Starting point is 00:59:21 Oh, it's a lot thicker. It's weird, that one. Halfway through, there's a kind of hospital. I don't know how to describe it. No, I know what you mean. Like a kind of a mouthwash. Yeah. Medicine.

Starting point is 00:59:30 It's a medicine, though. Halfway through. Cleaning product. It's about halfway through, you know what I mean? It's sort of a... It's whatever they use to clean out the hospital beds after the old lady's dead. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:39 It's whatever that is. I don't think Vimto really works as a jelly. It's weird how the flavour comes in and out. Vimto police works as a jelly. It's weird how the flavour comes in and out. Vimto police. Shut up. It's not as repulsive as the slush puppy one. No, but there is that medicine note, which I don't really like. Yeah, that's strange, that.

Starting point is 00:59:56 I wonder if that's all the sweetness or whatever in it. Yeah, I think I still prefer, of all the three we've tasted, I prefer the low sugar. Well, just for shits and giggles, let's try the Hartley's 10 Cal Blueberry and Blackcurrant flavoured jelly and just see where we go with this. Yes, because it's not an exact analogue

Starting point is 01:00:14 flavour-wise, is it? You get these packs we got of the jellies, just so people are aware. It's like four little mini pots in a pack and it was like only a quid or so, wasn't it, for that?

Starting point is 01:00:23 So, fine if you've got kids and you want to throw them something in their lunchbox, I guess. I wouldn't put the bisque off and one of these. You know what I mean? They're going to... Fucking kids. That's another myth. Oh, that sugar makes kids go...

Starting point is 01:00:33 Well, but anyone go... Yeah. Yeah, no, I know. There you go. You explain that to my proctologist. Well, this smells absolutely lovely. I actually really like the smell of this. Okay.

Starting point is 01:00:43 Why? Well, it's got that... It's got a fresh brambly sort of smell. Yeah, it has. It's got that brambly, broobery, blackcurranty kind of... Sports Day School cordial. Mother, I won first prize, Mother. I got the egg and spoon race, Mother.

Starting point is 01:00:58 That's what I mean. Oh, Mother. It's the sack race. Ah, yes. I have figured it out. I should put my feet to the corners and waddle along to victory, Mother. Okay, Paul, thank you. I It's the sacres. Ah, yes. I have figured it out. I should put my feet to the corners and waddle along to victory, mother. Okay, Paul, thank you.

Starting point is 01:01:07 Hmm. I am parched, mother. Pass me, pass me, mother. What? Pass me my cordial. Mother. Another thing on that point. I remember our school used to have a giant kind of tub

Starting point is 01:01:17 where the juice came out in like a giant plastic vat. But it had a McDonald's logo on and the orange juice that came out was like the orange juice you used to get at McDonald's back in the 80s as a juice

Starting point is 01:01:28 that's sort of flat but not actual orange juice yeah that flat horrible powder that you add a load of water to and then whatever was there a tap

Starting point is 01:01:34 on the spigot on the side of the yeah like a giant plastic keg so it was on a table with a spigot giant plastic keg yellow with the McDonald's logo on

Starting point is 01:01:42 so we used to think as a school oh it must be officially sponsored by McDonald's or something you know possibly they did sort of gift it the the McDonald's logo on. So we used to think as a school, oh, it must be officially sponsored by McDonald's or something, you know. Possibly they did sort of gift it, the local McDonald's or something. It's interesting. I hadn't really thought about that for, I don't know, what, 40 years? Well, that's good.

Starting point is 01:01:52 That's depressing. Anyway, I'm going to have a bite of this. Oh, God, it's very runny, this one. Oh, yeah. That smell is purely like those pastels. Fruit pastels or something. Those pastels I used to get that were meant to be like throat pastels, but you'd eat a whole pack of them

Starting point is 01:02:07 because they were all blackcurranty with the sugar on the outside. You know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, them ones. Those blackcurrant pastels. That meant to be good for your throat. You should only have one a day

Starting point is 01:02:14 and you cane the pack. Yeah, you cane the whole lot. Those little jelly pastels. And then you had the runs the whole next day. Well, that was you. Mother! Stop. Mother, I have the runs.

Starting point is 01:02:24 Scoop it up, mother. I did it in the sack, in the sack and race. And! Mother, I have the runs. Scoop it up, mother! I did it in the sack, in the sack race. And I smeared it on the... I dropped my cack in the sack race, mother! I can't... This is so splodgy. Isn't it? It's the runniest one. It's the runniest one. Easily the runniest so far.

Starting point is 01:02:37 Get it in your mouth. Flavour-wise, it's almost kind of not there. The smell's stronger than the actual flavour. Bit watery, isn't it? It's very watery. No, to me, it tastes's stronger than the actual flavour. It's a bit watery, isn't it? It's very watery. No, to me, it tastes more artificial than the equivalent strawberry one.

Starting point is 01:02:49 Yeah, weird. I need you to rate those. My favourite might be the 10-cal strawberry followed by the Vimto followed by that one we just had and then at the arse end the slush puppy.

Starting point is 01:03:02 I have to concur. Yeah. I have to concur. Well, I mean, for the price, they're not offensive, but I would argue there are better things

Starting point is 01:03:09 you can put on a lunchbox than any of these. Maybe the heartless. You can probably get better jelly, can't you? Make it at home. Just give a kid one of those blocks of jelly.

Starting point is 01:03:16 That's all they want. You know the block of jelly that you boil in a kettle and you put it in a thing and you melt down? Just give them the block of that. They prefer that. I used to eat that.

Starting point is 01:03:23 I love that. I was a good boy. No, I did. I used to prefer that. I used to eat that. I love that. I was a good boy. No, I did. I used to always like... I used to eat that shit. Everyone does. That's the best stuff. It was probably completely like 90% hooves.

Starting point is 01:03:34 Well, it's gelatin, isn't it? Which is hooves and bones. But I don't think it's bad for you. It's just, it's tougher jelly, isn't it? Yeah. I think I like my jelly firmer. I like it firmer. But also, I don't really like jelly as a thing anyway.

Starting point is 01:03:47 I like trifle. I love a trifle. Trifle's fine. And that has jelly in it. True. But what else do you have? I don't like ice cream with jelly. I don't like custard with jelly.

Starting point is 01:03:56 I would eat. Well, that's what trifle is. Yeah, but it's all packaged together with biscuit and flavour. You know what I mean? There's a conceit. We can almost make a trifle now. With that biscoff. I'll put my fingers in the bisiscoff. I'll do my,

Starting point is 01:04:05 put my fingers in the Biscoff. I finished off the Biscoff with my fingers. Do you want me to give you a creamy top as well? With what? Well, Eli,

Starting point is 01:04:12 let's have a little thing about our well of comedy. No, I'm going to leave the shop now. Are you going to leave? Well, I'm going to close up the shop. Okay.

Starting point is 01:04:20 Because I, it's only, it's a pop-up shop. It's only here temporarily. Once you go, that's it, me done for the day. Okay.

Starting point is 01:04:25 But I've made some calculations and I appreciate your feedback. So thank you. Come by anytime and we'll taste some more sweet treats in Gannon's candy style. Okay. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:04:36 Bye-bye. But before you go. No, no, no, no, no. Goodbye, my good night girl. Caught up in your wishing well, your hope and sadness. I'm Chris Pello. I had to show him the packet again.

Starting point is 01:04:53 I also can't remember any of the songs Wet, Wet, Wet did right now as well. Exactly. So fuck off. I'm just going to sing you out the shop. Okay, I'm gone. No. I've got nothing. I'm going to go. I'm going to lock up the shop. Okay, I'm gone. No! I've got nothing. Press the fucking stick.

Starting point is 01:05:07 I'm going to lock up the shop right now. We're going to end this episode. Okay. Very complicated key set he has. Ornamental, you might say. I'll do the shop closing up sound effects. Thank you very much. I don't need feedback from the likes of you.

Starting point is 01:05:28 All right, sorry. Go back into your little world of sports days. Mother, mother, mother, it's the relay race, mother. It's the egg and spoon race. I haven't got an egg. Use your bollock. I shall put my plum upon the spoon, mother. Use your bollock on the spoon, mother.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Here we go. And off they go. Pathetic, Eli. Pathetic. You were playing along there. Yeah, I always play along with Eli. Come on. Just press the button.

Starting point is 01:05:54 Let's get out of here. And that's all we have time for this week on your favourite mucky, immature podcast cheap show. But before we go, just time for a little bit of admin. If you're thinking of entering your Envision, check the information for this podcast. There are links to our website.

Starting point is 01:06:13 But effectively, if you're going to get involved, make sure your entries are sent to us at our Gmail account, thecheapshowatgmail.com, and the deadline is the 5th of May. She got about a month, I reckon, to get him in. What else? Our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, is where you can go for everything else. It's a lot of links to social media, links to videos, dedicated pages for every episode with

Starting point is 01:06:33 pictures and sometimes videos. It's all there to your one-stop shop. Merch, magazines, patreon.com forward slash cheapshow if you'd wish to support us in that way. Please do, but only if you can. and I think that's it in a nutshell Twitter

Starting point is 01:06:47 at the Cheap Show pod I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is Eli Snoid spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and that's it that's it in a nutshell really this week

Starting point is 01:06:58 also don't forget your tickets for Digitizer Live that's happening in July yeah I keep forgetting while While you're looking that up, I've got a little friend here. Go on. He likes cheese and

Starting point is 01:07:10 I'm hoping to tempt him with this little bit of biscuit. He likes chocolate sometimes as well. He's a naughty little scamp. He does do sex work, so Paul, if you didn't like the mink, I think you're going to love serotonin rodent

Starting point is 01:07:25 digitizer live is on saturday the 29th of july there's a link to it on our website there's so many stars of digitizer and beyond going to be there on the night we're going to hopefully have ashens suze kempner all sorts ash frith will be there and all your favourite digital digitiser characters so yeah links on our website to the tickets it's on Saturday the 29th

Starting point is 01:07:52 of July join us for a weekend of celebrating digitiser's 30th birthday can I go up a tanner up your arse then

Starting point is 01:08:00 tanner up your arse I need five Bob tanner up your arse nibble on your beaters nibble on your meters two pants then. Tanne up your arse. Only five, Bob. Tanne up your arse. Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. Nibble on your betas. Nibble on your meters, two-pants. Where's he going? On the serotonin rodent. On the serotonin rodent.

Starting point is 01:08:14 Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. Nyeh. Serotonin rodent. Nyeh. Spittle. Spittle trail on your backside. Who's this coming up now? I'm an ant-phetamine. No, it doesn't work. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:08:32 We're ant-phetamines. Ant-phetamine isn't a chemical in the brain. It's a drug. It doesn't mean nothing, does it? It doesn't mean nothing. It's all fucking nonsense, this shit. I wish I could fly. I'd hop to the sky, wish I could fly. Fuck off.

Starting point is 01:08:45 I'd hop to the sky, but I can't. Fuck off. That did not work. The antphetamine. I'm an antphetamine. Fuck off. I've got a better reaction than your fucking mink wank. Don't say that.

Starting point is 01:08:55 He's still behind the cupboard. See you next week. Bye-bye. Bye, everyone. you

CheapShow - Ep 327: Silversquirt

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