CheapShow - Ep 330: The Pork Open

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

When it comes to cup noodles, we sometimes wonder if they are so preoccupied with whether of not they could make wild new flavours and didn’t stop to think if they should. On this week’s CheapShow, Paul and Eli are about to find out if Nissin’s Cup Noodles have gone too far. Can a “breakfast flavoured” noodle be anything other than disgusting muck? Will Nissin’s winning streak finally end on this very episode? You are going to have to listen to find out! Before they can dive in, the Cheap Chaps have a few choice vinyl platters to wade though first. There’s an odd collection of music curios to sample, with offerings from Smiths Crisps, The Bolton Bullfrog and a reggae track packed with farts! This is definitely a weirdo week… and Paul and Eli’s egos may be getting the better of them too! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-330-the-pork-open And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 Send your entries to [e-mail] before 5th May 2023! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Coming up on this week's cheap show, Eli has some Silverman's platters to share. And in a noodle pot mini blitz, we've got a much requested and much desired Nissan Cup noodle to test on the show. That's all coming up today. And also... Why has Paul got wet feet?

And why is it so cold in here? And how does Eli get a punch in the face? Find out this week on Cheap Show. I think we can just call it a day right there, Paul. I would like to. Please let us do that right now. That's all we've got time for this week. The noodle was good.

The records were shit. He's threatening me with violence. Fuck off. All coming up on this week's Cheap Show. I won't accept this from you. That was really bad. The cold open has to be a thing. Yeah, that didn't work.

The news sting. It doesn't work. It makes it dynamic. It's just you. The news thing. It doesn't work. It makes it dynamic. It's just you doing a fucking thing again. It's dynamic. I don't want this. I don't. Fucking hell, all right.

Don't make this happen, Paul. Please, let's just do the pork. The pork open? The pork. What was that? What's the pork opening like? God, I just one moment. Is it pig sex?

One moment ago, i was like yeah doing cheap shit and then you did the bibbidi bibbidi and i'm just like i can't with every little fucking triplet your mouth made i fucking will just seeping through the bottom of this sofa oh god paul's doing a fucking thing bibbbidi-bibbidi-bob. Fuck my life. Later on in the show, find out what a pork open is. Because I'm going to find out. I'll tell you what it is. Yeah, go on.

Someone fucking a pig. Yeah, it will be. Paul, we really need to do this cold open better. Slap some ointment on it. What am I doing? Start the show. Start the show. Pork ointment.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of cheap show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap show. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show. Cheat Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. And I am Paul Gannon. And I am joined with Eli Silverman again. Oh, come on, everybody.

Get your cheap chat on the shelf. It's Cheap Show time again. Ba-dum-do-ba-dee-bam. Coming up on the show today, Paul Gannon says hello. Hello. Coming up later on the show, Eli has an existential crisis. I don't feel like I have a place in this world anymore. How can I help?

Don't do that thing where you sing all the bloody time. But I like it. I can't. There is a song in my soul, and I want to let it out like a caged bird. I'm under-caffeinated. Is that what the problem is? Yeah. Majorly. Majorly under-caffeinated.

Well, do you want to fix that? Because I've been drinking lots of supplements that add caffeine to my seed. No. You know what? No. Yeah. You know what? No.

No. It's too early for caffeine spunk. So you've got... No. No. That's actually perked. Yeah. You know what? No. No. It's too early for caffeine spunk. So you got... No. That's actually perked my interest. Peaked it. Peaked my interest. Sorry.

So what you're saying is... I've my own tins of red. Perky cum. Yeah. It's perky spunk. Yeah. It's like a caffeinated spunk drink. Right.

Like Red Paul. That's what taurine is. Yeah. Call it Red Paul or something. Red Paul. Yeah. Oh, God. We really need to start again.

Nah. let's just roll i have enough i've got no i'm just sweating and not performing i don't feel like i'm doing it don't worry mate don't worry i've got your back i'm picking up i'm picking up what you're putting down this week i'm feeling good i'm feeling great i'm feeling good and i'm feeling solid yeah are you i don't know why because i'm looking at you feeling dejected, and that gives me power. I'm generally in a kind of, oh, oh, I'm shaking almost. Right, hello, welcome to Chief Show. It's the Economy Comedy Podcast,

where every week Eli has an existential crisis and I go too far with a bad idea comedically. So, what have we got? Well, we have got a platter for you this week. Silverman's platters, Paul. And we do have a very special noodle segment. I'm looking forward to that. Yeah, I am looking forward to that.

Even Nissan Official Cup Noodle Twitter account is looking forward to it because they said, excited to hear what you think. Oh, well, it's certainly something. It's certainly something. You got a smell of it already, didn't you? Yeah, it's a strange smell of obviously noodley,

instantly noodley smell and then overly sweet breakfast, American breakfast thing. My friend was saying his favourite smell in the world is when he eats decks of noodles, Nissin decks, you know, rather than the pots. And his favourite smell in the world

is when the hot water hits a Nissin, a cake of Nissin noodles, yeah? When he pours boiling water onto it. And that burst of scent he loves that burst of scent and you know

what I had to say to him you're not making them according to the people's instructions that's not how

you make those noodles and he's like I don't care and it's just like well I can't be friends with you anymore

blocked on Instagram and Twitter well look he's disregarding what Nissan say you should do with the noodles

you should have boiling water and put it into the boiling water and then simmer it for three minutes. We all know this. We all know this. We all abide by this. Anyone who listens to this podcast knows there's hard and fast rules. And he's like, oh, I love the smell of chucking some hot water on some fucking noodles.

Don't do that. No one needs that. That's a smell that no one needs to know. That's a forbidden smell. Right. Shut your fucking stupid fucking mouth right

worth it up for that it's now time Jesus Christ oh I'm just coming alive there talking about noodles I just want to say two quick things right

before we go any further before we get on with the show okay first of all thank you for the tracks that have been coming in we've had a load come in in the past week

for your envision. There are now 20-odd out there for us to whittle down to 10 for the live show in June. So keep sending them in. Keep your tracks short as possible. Two minutes. Two minutes, ideally. A little bit over. Not the end of the world.

However, send them to thecheapshowatgmail.com as soon as you can, please. Before the 5th of May was the deadline, I think it is, whatever that Friday is. Anyway, got sent an email as well, and I want to read it to you now. Okay. This is from someone called Sam, and they've asked not to have their surname mentioned.

Fair enough. Hello, boys at Cheap Show. Hello, Sam. You might remember me from my previous tells from the shop floor stories, Eat Shit, McCunts, and the guy who shat himself on a train. I have not so much a story here as i do a piece of important information my partner is pregnant with our second child and she wanted a name that had a familial meaning sadly my

grandfather recently passed but before he did we had the honor of him passing his name down to our son my grandfather was called paul my partner and I chose the other name, and that chosen name was Elijah. So my son is to be called Eli Paul surname. Elijah Paul. Eli Paul surname. Elijah. Elijah, yeah. I mean, were you christened Elijah or Eli?

You were Eli. Yes, so they got that wrong. Sorry, Sam, you fucked it up. Well, he's still probably going to end up being called Eli anyway. So Eli, you may have battled an unsung war against Paul to get your name first in emails, but he has won the war in getting your name first in revenants. Well, that is, we're both, I think, I can speak for both of us here, Paul. This is an honour that we don't deserve.

We don't deserve it. That kid does not deserve that legacy. No, I think, you know, honestly, I feel like my name has been a gift to me because it's unusual, but not so unusual that it's difficult to remember. I think it's in that sweet spot of being slightly unusual, but not really unusual. I mean, don't get me wrong. If I had a choice, I would definitely not call my child Paul. It's a very, very common name, Paul, isn't it? I just don't like the sound of it.

But, you know, whatever. I understand people do like it, but not for me. But Paul, it's one of those names, isn't it? Dave, John, Paul. It's a very, very common name, Paul, isn't it? I just don't like the sound of it, but you know, whatever. I understand people do like it, but not for me. But Paul, it's one of those names, isn't it? Dave, John, Paul. If someone tells me that's what they're called, I will forget instantly. Yeah. But also, on the other end of that, if they've got a very complicated and strange, unusual name, I forget that instantly as well. Because you just don't

want to process it. A name like Eli, you know what I'm getting at here? A name like Eli is the best name in the world. I'm the best boy in the world. Aren't you the best boy? Aren't you fucking special? Isn't it a crime that the world's not recognised you? Basically it is, yeah. Isn't it?

Isn't it funny that you never catch on as a thing? Well, I will probably years after I pass away, Paul, and they'll probably build a huge, great, big golden statue of me. So what you're saying is if I kill you right now, I can milk that in your death? You'll be, well, you'll be remembered as a small rat great, big, golden statue of me. So what you're saying is, if I kill you right now, I can milk that in your death? Well, you'll be remembered as a small rat-like creature, scurrying around my legs.

Yeah. Underneath the heel of your shoe. See, this is very far into the future, when they realise that I'm the wisest human to live. And they'll use Cheap Show to base their religion on, basically. And it'll be the last of the world religions. Yes.

And will actually facilitate humanity leaving Earth. Thri-tholicism. Could be. I don't know. Or what's more likely is. And you. No. And you're a rat.

You're a rat boy. You're a little dirty rat boy. They will end up building that statue to you. You're right on that. And you'll be a little rat. You'll be a little rat. Yeah. You're a rat! You're a rat boy! You little dirty rat boy! They will end up building that statue to you. You're right on that. And you'll be a little rat. You'll be a little rat. Yeah, you're right. But what will happen is a few years after that's built,

they'll find out about the horrible fucking crimes you did. And then you'll be toppled like Saddam's statue, pulled down to the ground, or defiled like Jimmy Savile's gravestone. That's your legacy, mate. History's greatest fucking monster. And then they'll build a statue to me, the saintly one. The one who was perceived by Iraq by the devil god that people ill-judged faith was put into.

Ooganon, will they say that? Yeah, there'll be hundreds of people and they'll be like, Ooganon. And then I shall rise from the dead and I shall take my followers to the holy land. Then you're just doing a Jesus. Yeah. That's no good. Anyone can do a Jesus. no one can do a jesus i'll do a jesus listen listen to me i'll bless the meek do you remember the other day poor do you remember the other day when we finished the letter oh fucking yeah rest assured i will be saying i done a shit in my nappy in the mock eli voice great i will happily send you evidence evidence in August when my son is born if you

don't believe me. Oh no, we believe you. Please don't send us pictures of babies. That's weird. No, it's not. I don't like it. You're really doing badly today. Am I? Yes. Fuck off. Don't get me angry, Eli. You might like me when I'm angry.

I do like you When you're angry Right next thing No I have something to say You have nothing to say I have something Weekly you have nothing to say You interrupted me To finish that email

There was nothing left In that email Worth saying 30 seconds to make your point Go now 30 seconds I'm not gonna I will not

You're eating into your time I won't be timed Make your petty points I won't be timed Or talk about what you wanted to say Either way 20 seconds Oh yeah He's gonna sit there now He won't be timed. Make your petty points. I won't be timed. Or talk about what you wanted to say. Either way, 20 seconds. Oh, yeah?

He's going to sit there now. He won't get your little present. I shan't do this podcast. I won't give you your present if you don't make your little point. 10 seconds. Oh, no, we were saying Oogan on. Yeah. The other day.

Yeah. And it reminded me of Muller Fruit Corners. Right. Great. And lo and behold... This is going into extra time. Lo and behold, I'm at a bus stop. There's a fucking Muller Corner ad.

Out of nowhere. They're coming back. I tell you what, Paul. And also with this blue RAS thing, which is totally intuitive. No, it's that thing. No, it's me. The Bodley-Noheim syndrome or whatever it's me the bodily noheim syndrome i've got no i've got uh and uh built-in intuitive ability to like you know for like products and like what's happening in the the culture the capitalist

culture like i know when things are ebbing when they're flowing when they're coming back when mullifruit corners like it's fucking coming back they should hire me fucking corporations go eli smell this what do you think that is smell that and i'll go we to bix i'll go oh mate oh no i'm a seer i'm a i'm a prophet and a seer no i am you were fascinated with that. You've let me go on forever. No, what was that? Am I mentally zoned out? I was staring at you and my brain shut down

and put the fucking gate up. You're saying that... Do you want your little present or do you want to go on about your stupid fucking point? Are you trying to say that the... You have a choice right now. I saw the fruit corner thing.

Right now is your choice. Do you want to go on about this fruit corner thing? Isn't it called the bodily moheim syndrome or something? What's bodily moheim? I don't know what it's really called

but it's when you see something and then all of a sudden you see it everywhere. Yes. But it's just a matter of your brain suddenly picking up on it. So that advert was probably there for ages. It's confirmation. And then you didn't notice it. It's confirmation.

Yeah, whatever. But there's a thing for it, isn't there? The Bodley-Mohheim Syndrome or something. Dunning-Kruger. No, do you know the Dunning-Kruger? Yeah, he kills people in your dreams. Go on. No, Dunning-Kruger is where people...

12 minutes. Do you want this present or not? I do want it, yeah. Just tell me who Dudley Kruger is. Who's Dudley Kruger? Dunning Kruger. Hello, I'm Dudley Kruger. I'll get you in your dreams, love.

What are you dreaming about tonight? Sausages. I'll get you in your sausage dreams. I'll turn into a sausage and choke you. You've heard of the Dunning Kruger. It's an effect where people who know a little bit about a subject yeah for example will overestimate how much they know oh this is basically you it's everyone it's you no it's how dare you pass me that present please please it's for me this came from karen thank you

karen sent us i mean i've got the little thing here i'll quickly read it out dear cheap chaps as promised please find enclosed the Nissan Breakfast Noodle Pots. Yes. A little something extra each that me, Karen, and Adam have picked up

during our charity shop travels. I got a lovely little pin badge, Ahoy, which is a reference to Stranger Things, apparently. Which we thought was

Chips Ahoy, didn't we? Yeah, but it's not. It's just something to do with that show. We have in the box a price of shite

ready to go as well. We'll send it soon. Sweet. Love, Karen. Thank you, Karen. So I got the little pin badge and this is yours, the little green box. It's a green box. we have in the box a price of shite ready to go as well we'll send it soon sweet thank you Karen so I got the little pin badge and this is yours a little green box it's a green box

it looks the shape of the box I'm going to say it might be a toy car of some sort I don't know you're about to find out my guess is a toy vehicle

alright well he's tearing it open oh it's a rubber oh it's a rubber oh god it's a presidential eraser make paper great again oh is it's a rubber. Oh, it's a rubber. Oh, God. It's a presidential eraser.

Make paper great again. Oh, is it a Trump rubber? Yeah, it's a little fat Trump rubber. And he's doing that thing with his finger when he says the word China or something. Well, that's something to look forward to, to have on your shelf, isn't it? Staring at you in the dark at night.

It's a chunky little fella, isn't it? Yeah, it is. The mould is actually really detailed. Thank you, Karen. Another novelty eraser. Yeah, thank you for sending a rubber in for his favourite hero, his favourite political hero, someone he stands by staunchly

and thinks has been set up something proper rotten by the government. Yes, I'm a big Trump fan, everyone. Well done, Paul. You've done me in there. I like to think I'm pretty good at satire. You're not. You know what? I don't think we're very good at anything.

I wrote for Dead Ringers, my friend. Did you? I think I'm pretty good at satire. Yeah. I think I'm pretty good at satire. You're pretty good at satire, Paul. I can't. Do you want a coffee before we crack on with this week's episode?

Yeah, Jesus Christ. Because this is a fucking depressing sight for me. You're ruining my enjoyment of this podcast. You are lucky. You have the gift to look at me when you see this. Look at this. I'm all bubbly. My arms are out.

I'm stretching. I'm loving life. And that's your energy. I look at you and you sap me. You sap me, Eli. I'll put some sap on you. You nick me and then draw out the blood of my enthusiasm. I'll fuck your wound. Put some sap in.

Man sap. I'll slap my man sap in your bloody hole. Is that what you've got, is it? This is what I've got. I've got fucking spunk for you. I have an emptiness in me. I just hope that people don't listen to this episode and just go, what? What was I doing with all of my listening time

devoting it to this? I mean, listening to this for so long and there used to be laughs and there used to be ability. There used to be some repartee. But now there's not. There's no, the party's over. The repartee's over.

Hey! The repartee's over. I've got a jib jar me hey hey it's good to see you've cheered up

a little bit oh Paul you're doing your little scarf thing like you're in a football match it was adorable you do look like

you're ready to go to a 1970s match by the way you do you've got a 1970s I'm off to watch the match love love

I'll have a meat pie yeah and a fag yeah smoking I bet you want that as well In the 1970s, I'm off to watch the match, love. I'll have a meat pie. Yeah? And a fag. Yeah. Smoking. I bet you want that as well more than anything else. A meat pie? Yeah.

I could actually do. And a fag. And a stout beer to go with it. No, what do you mean a stout beer? Yeah. A stout or a beer? A stout beer. You mean like a small beer?

I mean a stout beer. Do you mean stout or do you mean like lager? I think I said a stout beer. Do you mean stout or do you mean like lager? I think I said a stout beer. You're confusing categories. Stout beer? Stout beer. We're done here. Oh, God.

Let's get you a coffee quick and move on with the show, all right? Really? Is there anything salvageable from the last ten minutes? Yes. Unfortunately, none of it's our dignity. I'm self-doubting. I'm on a big self-doubt spiral oh thanks for the

eraser Karen you heard it from me this will prove to you that I'm a clairvoyant a product clairvoyant I bet you will you believe in the power of Eli if we see a fucking mullah blue razz mullah corner come Eli if we see a fucking Moolah,

Blue Raz Moolah Corner come out? If we see that come out, you have to admit, don't you? That I've got my todger on the pulse. Will you admit it, though? You've got your chub on the nub of popularity. I've got the chub on the nub of the popular song. Yes, well, let's hope that happens. Blue Raz Moolah Corner, you heard it here, everyone.

And people agree with me Blue Raz is having a moment. It obviously is. You're just trying to say, oh, Blue Raz is always a thing. I can't. How do we stop this segment? How do we do it? How do we do it? I don't know.

You can just press the button. I think we should just press stop. Yeah, go for it. We'll have a coffee, all right? Yeah. We've had a coffee now and we're feeling a little more sprightly, a little more in the groove. That's right, Paul. I just want to say sorry for being a bit lacklustre, being a bit of a cunt. For being a bit of a cunt.

A bit of untalented, whiny, hack. Here we go. Listen. Cunt. Talented. Talentless. Talented. Please get it right, you talentless hack. Talented. Talentless. Talented. Please get it right, you talentless hack. Talented.

Malifluous. Malifluous. Malifluous. Please explain that word. It's new to me and I'd like to learn the definition of it. Are you joking? I think Malifluous means... So you think, you don't know. I'm pretty sure.

Are you sure you're using it right then with me? Because I don't know the word. Malifluous. Hack. Cunt. No. Malifluous, Paulunt mellifluous Paul yeah

it means having a musical timbre to one's spoken voice like I do okay

although I was being a little bit lacklustre before what I say stands I am some kind of

clairvoyant a seer hacklustre not lacklustre hacklustuster content i'm a seer of the consumerist world and i knew i knew in my bones i knew that mullet mullet fruit corner was coming back and i know something about blue rads and i tell you something about blue rads right now paul is this it though is this your gimmick for this week yes Yes. You're a food clairvoyant. Yes. What's going to be big in 10 years then? What's going to be the big thing?

Broccoli. Flavoured broccoli. With sprinkles on it. Wait, broccoli flavoured things or flavoured broccoli? No, broccoli, right, get this, yeah? Just so everyone knows what's going to happen next, I'm just going to put my face in my hands and just go, like that, so go on.

Broccoli with flavoured sprinkles. Sherbet sprinkles. Sherbet broccoli. Mark my word. Sherbet broccoli. Mark my word. Broccoli, you don't see that much these days, do you? But, Paul, speaking of food,

it's now time for Silverman's Platters. What do you mean it's time for food? I just did a segue. No, just do it. That's just pro. Speaking of that. We're now time for Silverman's Platters. What do you mean it's time for food? I just did a segue. No. I just do it. That's... I'm just a pro. Speaking of that...

We're not doing a food segment. No, but that's what you do. Speaking of food, here's some noodles. That's what you could have done. No. But no, you went, speaking of food, now it's time for records. Paul, speaking of links and segues, it's time for Silverman's Platters, okay? How's that?

You weren't speaking of links and segues. No, but it doesn't matter what we were thinking of. It's our world to create. it's our world to create it's our world to create and i i keep having this vision of me i'm a big statue and uh toppled no and you're like a rat boy yeah no we did that we established that that was very good i probably have a carved muller blue razz muller muller fruit corner you know the problem is and i've never said this before because I don't think it's appropriate, but I'm going to say it now. How do I explain this?

All of reality is me, right? All of reality is me. I have lived millions and millions and millions and millions and possibly trillions of years living every single life on this planet in its existence. I've been you.

I've been my partner. I've been friends. I've been everyone who's alive on this planet at some point at the same time and yet in one continuous thread of time. I'm liking this. I've been everyone who's alive on this planet at some point, at the same time, and yet in one continuous thread of time, right? I'm liking this. I'm passing through. So I'm me right now, and I'm saying

this because I've got billions of years of clarity to tell you what's going on. You've got access. But I've been you. I've been you. I know what it's like in you. Perhaps you could do a... Or maybe I'm yet to be you. Soundscape of what it's like to be me, inside my brain. The subjective Eli inside it. like to be me. Inside my brain. The subjective Eli inside its subjective Eli.

Something like that, isn't it? It is what my experience is like. It is. You're ongoing howling. But maybe, maybe I've yet to be you. Maybe your existence, my existence as you

will come later. I don't. All i know is that i am everything i'm people listening to this podcast i'm people laughing at me saying the funny things i do and then getting in touch i'm sending myself stuff for this podcast i am everything silverman's platters everybody it's the section of the show i think we're losing it this week because we've already given ourselves God complexes Messiah complexes cult religious complexes I'm a clairvoyant

of consumers spiritual and psychic Messiah complex Paul it's Silverman's Platters God fuck five minutes it's Silverman's Platters

the section of the show where we look at vinyl records and songs sometimes little pop songs sometimes outside, sometimes novelty nodness. Nobby nod.

And we've got a truck full of novelty. We have. We have three tracks for you today, and we're going to start off with this one. This was given to us at the Cheap Show Live at Leicester, I believe. I believe it was, yes. Thank you. I'm sorry, can't remember the person's name, but thanks very much for handing that over. So this is, it's a novelty track.

It's by a band called the Potato Twists. Don't look them up. They only exist for this one track. And it's called Twist and Turn On, and it's released on Smith's Crisps Records. And it sounds like this. Twist and turn on, I don't hang around. Twist and turn on to, now don't hang around. Twist and turn, no, to this great new sound.

Twist and turn, no, now don't be a drag. Smith and Thin and Twist are ready in the bag. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Twist and turn on to a great new idea. Take a little twist so ready I'm here. Hey, hey, hey, come on, twist and turn on.

Twist and turn on to the big crunchy man. Twist and turn on again and again. Hey, hey, hey, come on, twist and turn on. Twist and turn on to a great new shape. Twist and turn on to a great new taste. Twist and turn on to today's new snack. Twist and turn on and never look back. Twist and turn on to the Big Crunchin' Man. Twist and turn on again and again. Hey, hey, hey, come, called Twist and Turn Boogie. I thought the Twist and Turn Boogie on the B-side was actually a bit better.

Yeah, we'll probably fund it in a little bit later. Okay. But it's that thing we've come across in the past on the podcast, isn't it? Where it's like a brand, a food brand most likely, releasing some kind of novelty hit for either chart recognition or just like cultural recognition. You know the Noodle Doodle Man? Exactly the one I was thinking of which we've covered twice by accident.

We're getting into that part of the podcast history now where we do that a lot like when we did the Stardust Cowboy apparently was something we did years ago as well. But I have to disagree Paul I don't think these type of records were ever designed for the the charts no no they are much more of a sort of accessory to the crisps you know all that money on it though think about it it's like if you're thinking of trying to release it as a novelty hit into the chart right fair enough especially if it's like an advert you

know if it's an advert song and you go well let's release that into the charts because people know the advert. But this isn't that. No, it's just a standalone song as a record. I guess they're trying to just sell records. Well, no. Okay, so let me just say here, I went to Discogs, which is usually a very reliable source of information on this stuff, isn't it?

No. Is it not? It's terrible. Okay. No, because Discogs, basically, is all generated by the users. That's like Wikipedia, though, isn't it? Yes.

But do they have anyone who vets the information? They must do. They must do. They're not terrible, terrible, but I just feel like it's a bit like Wikipedia in that you can't necessarily trust. Well, that's the internet for you, full stop, isn't it? If you can't find more than three sources for something,

don't trust the information is what they say or something. Yes. Anyway, let me just get this out of the way. So on Discogs, it says Smith's Cr crisps had a label for releases from the crisp company so they released a bunch of records in 1975 as a label called smith's crisp records to acquire these records you had to collect 20 tokens from packs of smith's crisps chipsticks quavers chippy toes and smokies or twists and send them with six and a half pen stamp for each record you want.

Records came in a plain white sleeve inside a folded cover with Smith's chart busters on the front. Now, that applies to the songs they released featuring well-known artists, such as Basity Rollers, Glitter Band, Gary Glitter, Shawody Woddy, Stylistics, and Status Quo.

However, they did release two songs, the one we just heard, and then the one from the 60s, which is the... Crunch, something Crunch. Yeah, what was it called? It says here. Crunch Time or something.

When it comes to the Crunch, it's Smith's It Is, which is actually a lot better than this record, isn't it? And we'll put that in. Ah, fuck it. Now, let's do the Crunch! Fuck it, now. Let's do the crunch.

The crunch. The crunch. The crunch. The crunch. The crunch. The crunch. The crunch. It's Smith's Crisp.

Go with so many things. Go with all sorts of flavorings Smith's Crisp Go with so many things So crunch and crunch and crunch And crunch and crunch When it comes to the crunch Crunch It's Smith's It is Smith's Crisp Go with so many things Crunch once, see how the crispness clings. Smith's Crisps go with so many things. So crunch and crunch and crunch and crunch and crunch when it comes to the crunch. It's Smiths. It is.

Dance sends crunchy. Romance sends crunchy. We're Smiths. Smiths crisps. Smiths crisps. Shot, it's crunchy. Look out, it's crunchy. We're so crunchy.

Oh, so crunchy. Smiths crisps. But that was very purposely made to kind of give to the suppliers of crisps, a kind of thank you. Oh, thank you for supporting our crisps. It's a gimm record well it's promotional it's you can tell it's not even though it says now i've got a question it's a flexi as well that one by the way yeah uh nice i've got a question yeah for you when you say that they had real artists such as slade are you saying that these artists were employed to actually record crisp based tunes or is it just some tune that they just sort of licensed to put out do you see all of these upon reading further are flexes right right so i

imagine they just went to the artist can you license a track for the purpose one of their tracks they're not a special not a special no um because like this slade track for example far far away is uh one of their later tracks is one of of their tunes, yeah. Which I think I've seen them perform on a Swap Shop episode. Okay, but then, so this is basically just filler. It's definitely not designed to be a chart hit, this. And so it's promotional. So basically, it works because... It's like a gimmick to say, thank you for supporting these crisps.

Give us a couple of tuppence and you can get a little flexi for it. Well, there was so much of it. Those cereal boxes you send away you you collect a load of there was things in cigarette packs different cards you could collect we're going to mention that weren't we the stir you're never alone with a strand and then that embassy blues thing which i think we might come to at the later date when we talk about instrumental stuff yes i picked up an embassy cigarettes uh music record but is what paul's referring to that later day but it's very similar to this where it feels like it was made for a limited release

for stockists of their brands. Yes. But the point I'm trying to make, Paul, is that the quality of the song itself doesn't actually really matter and it does feel very tossed off for want of a better word, you know? Because by the time you get the record

you've already bought loads of packets of crisps and cut them out and you've spent the money. In fact, I would wager if I'd eaten all those crisps sent off six tuppence and whatever and got that back,

I'd be like, that's not worth it. No. Fucking shit. It's almost like they've got you already. Do you see what I mean? They've already made the sale.

The song itself doesn't have to do anything. But it's 1975 and it's obviously very reminiscent of the big bands of the time. So it's a little bit sweet, a little bit glitter. Not of glam. the sound is glam.

It's that early 70s glam sound. It's got that rhythm. The B-side though, which we'll end this segment with. But you said big bands of the time and I don't want people to get confused. Not big band music. No, not like Glenn Miller. I just mean big artists of the time who were known in the genre. And then when you went...

Yeah, but that's still the same beat. No, it's not. That's like Ballroom Blitz. That's like Ballroom Blitz. Is it? Yes. Listen to Ballroom Blitz. It's got the same kind of...

It's got that sort of stomping. Yeah, yeah. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to fucking give you Glenn Miller. I thought it felt like you were going to go into a Glenn Miller thing. I might do now. Oh, go on then. Meh-meh-neh, meh-meh-neh, meh-meh. Meh- do now. Oh, go on then. Mamma na, mamma na, mamma na.

Mamma na, mamma na, mamma na. Oh, I got a girl, she gives me lots of head. Instrumental music. Don't need lyrics from the likes of you on that one. I said, I got a girl, she gives me lots of head. Oh, she gives me so much head, I've soaked my spunk in bed. Oh, stop it. She gives you so much head, you spunk in bed. I've soaked my spunk in. Oh, stop it. She gives you so much head,

you spunk in bed. I soak my spunky bed. Not very good. You need to get off the spunk topic. I say, squelch, squelch, squelch my spunky bed. Squelch, squelch, squelch my spunky bed.

When she's not here, I do it with my pillow. I say, when she's not here, I do it with my pillow. Oh, my pillow. For the listener, visually, picture this. Most of this episode is me just holding my face in my hand as I listen to that goblin ramble on in the corner of this fucking room.

My pillow is a widow. Oh, spunk, spunk, spunk. I'm going to ask you to stop. I'm actually enjoying myself now. I'm going to ask you if that and ask you I'm actually enjoying myself now and ask you if that's a platter or a splatter for that one I like the design of it Paul I like the intention but it's

I believe the boogie the side is better more of a rock sort of vibe but it's just shoddy isn't it? It's badly produced I don't like the production of it too much the the musicians sound good but the vocal on top seems almost karaoke there's something about they haven't worked out the way that there's the the words scan with the rhythm of the tune like

it feels rushed it feels rushed it feels i think the word is tossed off tossed off totally tossed off and again it's a song that's basically saying, while you dance to this, shake your salt in your crisp bag. Yes, and he does refer to the blue pack. So it is, we think, for salt and shake. Because, you know, what I like to do when I'm a teenager trying to be cool,

when kids come over to hang out, I put my record on about salt and shake crisps and go, it's just as good as the sweet. For me, it's a splatter then, Paul. I'm going to say splatter as well. It's not awful,

but it lacks that je ne sais quoi that we look for. Interesting. It's not so bad that it's funny. It's just slightly bad. It's a forgotten relic,

but it will still be treasured in this house of ours. Interesting to me because of that whole thing that we see so much of where that's what brands used to do. They used to, you know.

Could we do that these days? What brands could you release a novelty song for? Well, it's similar to what those Coke is doing with the AR stuff. Yes, but then again, what's that series called

that we've tasted? Oh, the Inspirations or something. I don't fucking know. Terrible. Who gives a fuck? There hasn't been one in a while. There was a whole flurry of them and then nothing.

The best one was that last one which had the sort of Dali-esque weird dreamscape design. I guess you don't need to give flexies and stuff now anymore because you can just license a track for a promotion

and bang it out the door. You just get one of those codes and you're there. You can buy your Twitter blue tick and be really cool. You may have only 46 followers, but now you look too cool for school. Perhaps that's what Elon's doing. Eli Musk.

We should do a perfume called Eli's Musk. Yeah. It smells like cat arse. Do I just rub my nuts on something? It smells like split cat arse. Split cat arse. What a load of bollocks. Well, what's the B-side called?

We're going to end this segment with the Twist and Turn Boogie. Ooh, see you after this. Twist and Turn Boogie is the great new dance. They do it in the States and they do it in France. They boogie on down and they boogie on back. The twist and turn boogie means you're working the track. They boogie on down and they boogie on back. The twist and turn boogie means you're working the track.

Twist and turn boogie, get your clues in the floor. Boogie to the right, twist and boogie some more. Boogie to the left, twist and boogie for fun. The twist and turn boogie got you moving again. Boogie to the left, twist and boogie for fun. The twist and turn boogie got you moving again. Twist and turn boogie gets you up on your feet. and turn, boogie, it's a great new beat. Twist and turn, boogie, gets you moving right. Twist and turn, boogie, have you dancing all night.

Cause a twist and turn, boogie, gets you cruising the floor. Boogie to the right. And on to our next splatter or platter. Let's find out if it matters. And this one is by a guy called Bernard Wrigley, and it's called Saturday Cowboys. Released in 1980 on this record. That's the label called This Record. And it sounds almost exactly like this. There's a great excitement in the air. Down along each cobbled street there comes the sound of tiny feet. The games have stopped, no time to stand and stare.

Sixpences, they're clutching tightly. Little eyes all shining brightly. Happy laughing kids without a care. As they skip and dance along They start to sing a special song And Saturday Cowboys sing it everywhere They're singing Mr. Mr. Why are we waiting?

Saturday Cowboys don't like waiting Come on down and give them doors a push We wanna see Lassie and Rin Tin Tin and Charlie Chaplin makes us grin. Saturday cowboys love the Saturday push. Now let us get into it. You don't like it. I don't. It's cutesy, isn't it? In that weird way. It's sort of folksy. it reminds me of that song you know the match street men and match street cats and dogs which is about lowry the paintings of lowry yeah and it's got that kind of jovial nostalgic folksy northerns vibe which i think this is almost like

doing it i'm not gonna say it's a parody but it feels like it's trading on that vibe absolutely but it's it's in the stat it's about the nostalgia of going to those kids club cinemas. Which is just not a thing now. At all. But they used to have big programmes. You'd used to take... I guess it was before... Did you do this when you were a kid?

I went once. And I've told this story before. I was taken once. On the pod you've told this story before. I was taken once but my dad to this sort of film club which was at Screen on the Green in Belsize Park.

And David Prowse was there. Oh, yeah. You have told this story. Yeah, the Green Cross story. That was the only time I ever did it. So not really. Because I was going to say the same in that yes, but not really. Because what he's talking about here is like in the 50s and 60s when you were a kid, you could go to a cinema in the morning.

And they would show a bunch of cartoons and an old serial. And then that would kind of keep you busy while maybe your parents went shopping in the morning or something and that was the whole deal it was like a i don't want to say it was free but it was certainly like a place you could just dump your kids yes for me though how magical would have that been brilliant well that's where a lot of those films like films like danny the dragon or whatever it's called was shown the british film workshops british the cbc was it the children's british um film institute or something film and there's that one with them with them all in that old house and there's a knight in armour.

Do you know that one? I mean, vaguely. They're terrible. They're all like films made for literally that audience and they're usually quite moral. My school used to do this and what they would do is during the weekends, if you went in the morning,

the assembly hall would be turned into a little cinema screen. They'd pull out a projector and they'd show a film and I remember seeing films like Herbie Goes Bananas there and all those kind of late 70s early 80s shit Disney films

oh man they're so terrible those Herbie films one of them's good but Herbie Goes Bananas was sad because that's the one where they push him off the boat

and you think he's dead and then he comes back all rotted and rusty on the beach and then he gets saved and then he comes back all rotted and rusty on the beach and then he gets saved and then wins a race or something. I don't know.

He was shit. Fucking Herbie was not shit. Herbie can go fuck himself. Why? I'd go around and finger his exhaust. Would you? That's just molesting

a car now at this point. Yeah. Volks Shaggin. Volks Shaggin. Yeah. But you started it. Don't fucking judge me. But you're the one who was like I'll get my fingers right in its fucking catalytic converter. Yeah. But you started it. Don't fucking judge me. But you're the one who was like,

I'll get my fingers right in its fucking catalytic converter. Yeah. Get your dipstick out. Measure its fucking levels. I've used my own special hand, mate. Don't fuck Airby. Leave Airby alone, mate. He's a saint.

Anyway, this song. So yeah, it's about a thing that just doesn't exist anymore. Because kids would not give a shit about Cowboys and Indians and Rin Tin Tin and Lassie and Charlie Chaplin. So those would be the serials they'd show, those Western serials, right? And you know what? I saw this in a charity shop in Pinner,

and the cover attracted me because it's like this kind of Beano-esque drawing. And Bernard Wrigley, I looked him up, thinking he was going to be a no-one, a joke artist or a flash-in-the-pan thing. But no, he's a very well-established actor actor if anyone listening to this podcast knows him at all they've probably seen him in the sitcom phoenix nights the peter kaye sitcom from the late 90s where he played the kind of guy who worked at the club bit of an odd job weirdo guy but didn't you say he'd

been on coronation street mate he's done loads of stuff like he's mostly known for his acting by and large he has released a fair few albums as himself that all follow a very kind of twee thing. He's known, for some reason, as the Bolton Bullfrog. I don't know why. Bullfrogs sing, don't they? Do they? I don't know.

Either they're saying he looks like a bullfrog, he sings like one, like maybe the one from that Warner Brothers cartoon. Yeah, maybe. But I think he was called Bolton Bullfrog he sings like one like you know maybe the one from that warner brothers cartoon yeah yeah maybe but i think he was called bolton bullfrog just simply for the alliteration if nothing else because he was from bolton yes and rather than you know they could have called him the bolton bear or the bolton bolton bumhole oh yes the bolton bumhole are you like um that's what i get paid for he's done lots of plays he was in ph in Phoenix Night. He was in Emmerdale, Coronation Street,

Last of the Summer Wine, Coogan's Run, Cold Feet, Dinner Ladies, Victoria Wood. Coogan's Run. Heartbeat. He was the school teacher in Rita Sue and Bob 2.

He was in Brassed Off. Wow, he's been in a load of stuff. Very established. And in 1978, he played a night school teacher in Alan Bennett's play Me, I'm Afraid of Virginia Woolf. He's been on Radio 4 and lots of plays.

BBC Radio Lancaster often would broadcast many of his pre-recorded series, such as Wrigley's Rambling and Homebrews, which were readings of stories written by Tommy Thompson with some songs. And so he has, by some margin, had quite a full career. Yeah, wow. And he's got a full discography from 1971 all the way up to 2011. And was this a hit, this record itself? And he's got a full discography from 1971 all the way up to 2011 and was this a hit this record itself and he's still alive uh no there's almost nothing online about where it charted if at all all i can tell you is it came from his album uh the bolton bullfrog but like

he had loads of albums and what's the b side of this record the b side is called i'm in love with angela rippon ah now that's that's i bet B-side's better known than the A-side on this. It's not. No? It's not. In fact, there's very little on either of these songs in the ether in terms of charting or whatever. But Angela Rippon, what was her sort of...

She was a newsreader. She was a newsreader. And at this time, she would have been famous as well for appearing on the Morecambe and Wives special Dancing, where it was one of those things where she was like, oh my God, she can dance and look at those legs. Which is sort of the kind of thing that's been exploited later on with Strictly Ballroom, right?

Didn't she also present Strictly Ballroom? Yeah, I think she did. No, it was called Come Dancing back then. Come Dancing, yeah. That's that old joke, isn't it? What? What's white and wiggles on your telly? Come Dancing.

Oh, Spank. But I don't know if that means, for instance, Bernard Wrigley was giving a tribute to Angela Rippon. Well, he fancies her, doesn't he? He does. It's a very twee song about how he just waits there patiently. I mean, with a different tone. This sounds like a stalker's manifesto, that track.

Yeah, it's... I wait for you outside your house, Angela! It's pure novelty, a bit like Michael Fish's A Weatherman. Yeah, it's a tradition of novelty songs referencing TV figures. I also wonder, by 1980, was the message of this song even relevant as well? The old idea of going to the cinema. No, it's nostalgic. It's supposed to appeal to people who remember that.

But then you have the kids singing, like it's, you know, Grandad, that song. It's got that element to it as well. Now, you're skirting around the issue paul but we need to come play the second so we play the angela ripping track we haven't let's give them that let's at least give you that i have a date at nine tonight i won't be late because it wouldn't be right Dressed in me best suit A shine on me shoes I'm simply waiting To hear all her news She never stands me up

She's right on time Smart as a sixpence Dressed up to the nines Oh, does she love me? No, but I can dream. I have fallen for the queen of the screen. I'm in love with Angela Rippon. Angela Rippon, I love you.

I know it's daft, but there's no duck and do. Angela Rippon, do you love me too? Now, go on, skirting around the issue. Platter or splatter? Yes. It is a splatter. I know, it just doesn't do anything for me. It's too milquetoast.

It's too middle of the road. It's sort of... It's probably fine within the collection of his songs on an album. If you're a fan of that type of tone of song, then it's...

For me, this whole genre is a bit of a quagmire of dreary sentiment. It's fluff. It's fluff, yeah. It's empty, fluffy, nostalgic. I mean, it's kind of like early boomer thought, isn't it? Yes. Things were better back in my day. Totally, yeah. No, fluffy, nostalgic. I mean, it's kind of like early boomer thought, isn't it?

Yes. Things were better back in my day. Totally. No, they weren't. Yes. Just because you're well off and you can fucking cash in your pension does not necessarily fucking mean that things were better back then. Wow, he's going a little rant.

I'm sorry, but fuck the boomers. Right, so are we boomers? I don't know anymore. I don't understand generation shit. We're Generation X. Oh, we are the end of Generation X though, so are we boomers? I don't know anymore. I don't want to say generation shit. We're Generation X. Oh, we're the arse end of Generation X though, right, aren't we?

We're the ones who basically soaked up 50 years of pop culture and spat it out as our own. We're Generation X. What do you want? That's our generation. Yeah, we're a bunch of cunts.

Paul, what did you say? Splatter? It's a splatter for me. Let's move on to the next track. Okay. I don't know what I'm doing. Press the button.

Oh yeah, press the button. The third and final record in this segment today was given to us in the post and Eli, it came with a letter. Please read the letter. Hi cheap folks.

I heard this song online and it sounded too perfect for cheap show. I couldn't just not get hold of the 7-inch and send it to you for your listening pleasure. Oh wow, he went out of his way

and bought it online and sent it to us. I know, and I love that sentence construction. I couldn't just not went out of his way and bought it online and sent it to us. I know. And I love that sentence construction. I couldn't just not get hold of the seven. Wow. I couldn't just... He's on top of the negatives.

Triple negatives, I think. It's a real sentence. Yeah, but we'll have it. I couldn't just not get hold of the seven and send it for your listening pleasure. Thank you, though. Thank you. Appreciate it. There are quite a few scratches, but hopefully it'll still play fine.

It does. It did play fine, actually. I think it's the other side that has the more marks. The radio mix, yeah. It's fine. Thank you for all your work you do on the pod. It always keeps me going through each week. From Ewan.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. So we got this in the post. And when you say, Ewan, when you say keep me going through each week, do you mean constantly wanking? Do you get vinegar strokes and you listen to uswan, when you say keep me going through each week, do you mean constantly wanking until you're scabbed off? Do you get vinegar strokes and you listen to us?

When do you come? At the end? Is it when I say something? When Eli says Chodney? Is that when you let it out? I haven't said Chodney for about several months. Oh, good. You've tied it out, that's why. And you've moved on to just random sounds and assonance. Magruder, see? It doesn't fucking matter. So, here's the

track. It is by an artist called Goofy but it's not the Disney Goofy it's a guy called Mr. G also known as Goofy

and the song is called Somebody Just Poop and it sounds like this Mm-mm. Smug ear rotten out. But a no star human being. Mm. Human being can't let up the descendant. No, man. This is serious.

Yo. Somebody just poop. Nobody know how one eat everybody just a look. Who the what that me smell? Whoever that be me say them not going well. Nobody never wanted everybody just to look Could I wear that me smell? Whoever that be me say them nah go on well Somebody just poop Nobody never wanted everybody just to look

Could I wear that me smell? Whoever that be me say them nah go on well That they said make me dash when me lunch and me jelly Whoever that be them a more than run belly I wonder if a Paul, I wonder if a Shelly Or if I the blinking policeman Kelly Watch everybody, I look pan fatty Like say the rest of them don't have

Forget earplay, me not too chatty But me suspect the galley where you go and not see your tea Somebody just poop Nobody know I want it, everybody just a look Yeah, no, we couldn't not play it. It's really something, that. Now, it comes on Juvenile Records. Do you know that label? No, it's manufactured in Jamaica.

Because obviously, I don't know too much about the artist or the song, but I looked up a website called jamaicansmusic.com, and it says this. It goes on for a long, long time, but I'll just read the beginning. Born Chad Simpson in the Jonestown community, the man renowned as dancehall hitmaker Mr. G, a.k.a. Goofy, has repeatedly stamped his class on the Jamaican and international entertainment scenes,

creating lines and rhythms that are always memorable, always welcome, always that just ahead of the pack. Because he was discovered by Main Street's Danny Brownie, and he got his break in 1996. On the now classic hit, Here Comes Fudgie. Oh, I don't know that. Which put his signature tongue-in-cheek style on display for a national and eventual international audience. In that era, dance hall music from Jamaica

was having a sort of crossover moment, wasn't it? In the 90s, I mean. With Boojoo Banton and... Oh, yeah, with Compliments on Your Kiss. That was Red Dragon. Yeah. I like that shit. Featuring Pato Banton.

It was Pato Banton. Pato Banton was the one who... It was crossing over, wasn't it? In that era. Well, Shaggy was also... Shaggy, of course. It wasn't me. Was that in the 90s yes and he also oh carolina which is a big hit as well which was a cover of a an original sort of scar tune but i feel like from what you've read that this that

this guy goofy yeah never never crossed over to sort of the western market or the it doesn't look like the american or british market but it looked like he was reasonably well respected in his own circles chakademos and pliers they were the other artists yes yeah yeah yeah yeah what was their big hit chakademos and flies i can't remember great stuff and this is obviously meant to be funny and you know what tease me yeah tease me tease me tease me baby till you till i lose control it's a question i had because i didn't want to come across as ignorant rhythm is what they spell on all the all the press that i've read r-i-d-d it's the backing track is that what they're saying yes okay i didn't know what they

were saying um tradition in reggae and jamaican music sort of more uh generally through the years from dub to dancehall where they'll do different voicings, they call them. They'll use a backing track again and again and again and release different vocals. Okay, right. And it's a very Jamaican thing. Wouldn't that get confusing when it came to royalties and stuff? Absolutely. Right, because it was a thing.

No, and that's what makes identifying Jamaican records a real minefield really difficult because they'll have different names they'll put it's an incredibly unique music industry that they had there

yeah you know because it's a tiny little island compared to like but the amount of music and records

that they produce is incredible and the other thing about Jamaican records yeah you know they've got all this grading for vinyl

like you've got excellent and then very good plus and then so on for the quality of the vinyl it's so difficult to find um jamaican records that are in decent quality yeah that because they were made poorly sometimes they're made poorly okay um and sometimes it's just really overplayed and just worn out it's weird yeah but um there is also a real tradition going back to it seems though like what's that genre called that isn't i don't know you're asking me this i'm not gonna fucking know calypso calypso yeah right so there's a tradition going back to calypso which is like

uh not the biggest jamaican genre but it's like the whole lots of islands have calypso um where you have comedy in the lyrics and a bit of naughty humour. And that's what this is. Okay, yeah. Often it's to do with sex. And there's a whole, like, Prince Buster, who's like an extremely famous ska singer. He seemed to be obsessed with... What?

Female hygiene, for want of a better word. You know, avoid the rush and get your brush. All of this sort of, like, clean the fanny. On this allmusic.com, it says, the gruff voice of Mr. G may sound familiar. Before becoming Mr. G, Kingston's Chad Simpson was known as Goofy. So he was known as Goofy first. His real name's Chad Simpson.

And recorded buoyant, humorous hits such as Fudgy, Whining Machine, Brush Your Teeth, Big Man, Little Youth. He started DJ block partying at 12, collecting a massive amount of vinyl in his teens and worked for the party organisation Jam Pop Limited

before entering the charts in 1990 he had a number of hits under his name Goofy in Jamaica Fudgy topped the charts in 96

and opened the door to new opportunities so yeah it's like I guess that somebody just pooped and imagine it didn't chart or get much airplay

it's covered in fart effects, but... It really is. Don't you think the fart noises are pretty well done? You know what? They really are well done, because they literally fit the tone of the note as it's going out. It's kind of underplays it.

And there's a lot of different ones. He doesn't just repeat the same fart noise again and again. It's different on each chorus, isn't it? Yeah, and also there's a little bit towards the end where he breaks down the different types of fart noises. And basically he's saying somebody just pooped and my God. And there's one lyric where he's saying, it doesn't even feel like that came from a human being. Still mightn't have.

So it's very much a novelty tune. I wonder if there's a song like that about spunk. But, you know, there was this whole debate at the time with Dancehall or what they used to call Ragga, where slack lyrics. What does that mean? Lyrics about sex or stuff, you know. Okay. And this is

kind of the lighter side of that, I guess. Well, this was coined as, like, filthy. It is pretty filthy. I mean, like, the label, like, the genre, it said something like, whatever label, la la la, like, filthy. It is pretty filthy. I mean, like, the label, like, the genre, it said something like, whatever, label, la-la-la, type, filthy. Yeah. As if to say it's actually genre within. Like I say, it goes back to Glypso.

There's all this whole tradition throughout Jamaican. You know, lie down, girl, let me push it up, push it up, lie down, girl. Yeah. You know that one? Well, even, like, I famously said this before, but, like, even, like, some of the songs that did get mainstream success, like, oh, yeah, girl, I want to make you sweat, sweat till you can't sweat no more and when you cry out i'm gonna make you push it push it some more yes when you break it down and just present it like that

that's a fucking horrible bunch of lyrics yes it's um yeah there's a whole a whole sort of um strain of songs which describe the act of love making as if it's um an act of violence stabbing or at least like it's like an endurance contest yes where it's an act of violence stabbing or at least like it's like an endurance contest yes where it's like can you fucking

outlast my fuck beast machine because it's all very I don't know it's funny though it's like it's what they call slack yeah

and it's this whole tradition in Jamaican music of sort of extremely dirty and sort of well luckily people listening

won't have to worry about Cheap Show doing their own reggae slack song because I think that would get us cancelled faster than you'd like to know. Absolutely. But, Paul, is it, is this a platter or a splatter? For me, I actually like the rhythm I used.

It's pretty good rhythm. It's got that ding, ding, ding, that sort of guitar thing. It's well made. Yes. And the farts are well implemented. It's well produced. Anyway, no, as it is, as a novelty here, because this is very much a novelty, isn't it?

Very, very much. I think it's a platter. It's a platter. It's going in the platter box. Thanks, Ewan, for sending that in. Thank you very much. I was going to say, what's your favorite? But the answer is that one.

Yeah. Because it made us giggle, didn't it? When we listened to it. It did. We had a little giggle and we slapped each other's backs and we rocked our heads back and we guffawed as we listened to it,

didn't we? Don't overdo it. And then I tickled your belly and you laughed and then you tickled my belly and then we started getting close, didn't we? Yes.

And then what happened? And then, well... And then what happened, Paul? Then nothing because you pushed away emotionally from me. Like I always will. Like you always will.

And I thought, oh, the moment's gone. It will never occur. The moment will never occur. And I just thought for that one moment over that one song maybe we found a beautiful moment of understanding between each other. No we didn't. And we didn't. You pushed back. You closed your doors emotionally. I didn't push back. Empty. Cold. Empty of your spank. Unloved. Stop making it dirty. I'm trying to

make this rich and emotional. It's not rich. I'm trying to add some fucking depth to it. Do you know what's rich and emotional? What? That fart I just did. Rich. Very beefy and emotional. Ooh.

Ooh. There's a real, mm, presence in the air. I've put my head in my hand again, everyone. There's a pre- Ooh, beef curtain. Airy beef curtain. Don't mind if I do. Push my head through it.

Ooh. It little particles on my nosy piece. Excuse me, darling. Is that your pork open? Pork open. Can we move on to the next segment? Yeah. Noodle exclusive. We have obtained a hot off the press noodle.

We have obtained a hot off the press noodle. It is, yes, a limited edition from the masters and inventors of the whole medium. Nissan Cup Noodles Breakfast Limited Edition. We've got it. We've secured some, Paul. Thank you very much once again to Karen who sent this to us. She ordered the big palette. So we've got two here. I've got four at home.

What I might do is check i'll check the sell by date or whatever hold on to them and maybe give them away digitize alive i would like to keep one just as an object well there's two so you can have one as an object well maybe maybe it'll be delicious paul we don't know this is an odd one i mean you tried they are extremely good in the world of pot noodles would would we both agree they are easily the tastiest we've ever had? What, Misson's Cup Noodles? Yeah. Yes.

And we had those special edition 50th anniversary ones. This is what I was going to say. Although they are well-respected and well-loved and some of the best affordable noodles on the market, they do have a moment of losing their shit sometimes. Well, we had the soda, which was abhorrent. And I know they did crossover ones recently, I think.

I'm going to have to double check that, but I'm pretty sure they had some kind of weird mashup thing going on. Oh, really? I'll have to double check that. I might be talking out my arse.

But you recently ate their beef, right? The one that you had and you said, I could have and I had it when I was hungry one day. And was it good?

It was delish. Yeah, they're very good. Everything about the flavour, the dry, the dehydration process they use to put little bits of food in, the dehydrated vegetables, they're always meatier than the competition. If you put a Nissan cup noodle up against like any pot noodle, Golden Wonder pot noodle, whatever, they're terrible, aren't they? Yes. Pot noodle's terrible.

I mean, pot noodle, one specific flavour is very much a comfort food for me, but everything else is almost unedible shite. And that flavour is chicken and mushroom. Chicken and mushroom. I know, that's a pretty good noodle, it has to be said. But again, it comes from a kind of British culture of what they think a noodle should be, and again, we've said it before, we think they should be fucking stews, apparently. Thick soup with...

It's that whole thing. Now, maybe they've gone for that with this though now this is definitely a limited edition um that is for america it has to be an american item because first of all it looks like it's been made and manufactured by nissen foods georgia yeah america no something i think it's california actually i can't quite read it's quite small but yeah you're right. But the other clue, Paul. The other clue, yes.

Reveal the clue that gave it away that this is an American product. It's American breakfast. Well, there's also the other thing. Ah, yes. Which is the fact that it says to prepare it in a microwave, which you'd only do in a country that doesn't understand what a fucking kettle is. They do not have electric kettles in America. It's like a big deal when you buy a kettle.

Now, I know it's coming from a British perspective where we all fucking drink tea non-stop and it's crazy. But I don't understand why they don't have kettles in their kitchen as part of the course of just other things. It is just one of those things, cultural things. They don't drink tea, do they? They have iced tea. Well, okay, so when I lived in America and I was out there,

I used to take my own tea bags with me when I went out because it's hard to get them and they don't make tea, right? But also, they didn't have a kettle. So the only way I could make tea was with their coffee machine to use the steamer to heat up the water and then add the tea. And it never tastes the same that way. No, it doesn't. There's something weird about tea when you make it the coffee way.

So it says here, use it in a microwave, but we're going to make it with a kettle because it's much of a muchness right and do you do you remember on that the first noodle uh pot blitz that we did paul there was those wrap snacks noodles yes the wrapper one they said we should use a microwave as well i think it's just it's just what you do with a pot noodle in in the states a noodle pot no added msg manufactured in a faculty that also processes peanut, tree nuts, sesame, crustacean, shellfish and fish products. Are you going to take a risk?

Yeah, I mean... Because you are allergic, but... I think you're saying that to avoid being sued more than anything else. It's likely to be a very, very tiny amount of... 380 calories per serving. Quite calorific. Anyway, but look. Now, read the...

Read what the flavours we're going to look for are, Paul. It says, limited edition cup noodle breakfast, artificially flavoured as maple syrup, pancakes, sausage and egg, ramen noodles in sauce. That just sounds rough. There's a lot going on for one flavour pot. I mean, I like that as a breakfast, but when you're going to put all of those flavors together in an instant ramen it just seems it seems uh it's weird to me because

it suggests that you can make a sauce that somehow in a willy wonka everlasting god stopper type way you can evolve on your palate to have all these different flavors in yes but that's not true what i think this is going to be is 95% maple syrup flavour. That woody with a back end of egg. Yeah. Which doesn't sound great, does it? No one wants back end of egg. No one needs maple up front, back end egg.

Alright, darling, maple up front, back end egg. Is that your line? Around the corner. A bit of sausage in the middle. A bit of sausage in your pancake, love. How about that? But the sausage element could be nice as a flavour. But they don't understand sausage either. But I think they might put, because this is not a vegetarian product, I think they might put dehydrated sausage bits in there.

I don't think it does, you know. Look, there's egg bits. Look, you can see on the cover, on the lid. No. Yeah, scrambled egg. Yeah, scrambled egg bits. But that's just a visual thing to say, here's what's in it. But, like, I'm looking at it now

and at no point does it say there's anything there's any bits in it I'm looking right now there will be bits well we'll see so we open it up right now and have a look inside

yeah alright here we go there'll definitely be bits don't pull it back all the way halfway oh no you're right on the top it does have little flecks or something

I take it back I didn't look at the lid I apologise I'm the noodle guy on this podcast I'm the noodle guy now the other thing that reminds me of are those mythical and i wish i so would love to get hold of some uh pepperami instant noodles didn't know we had them on the doritos wasn't it we never had them and they have little bits of sausage in oh well little bits of

pepperami lost the time they are right i'm opening the lid. Here we go. Don't put it all the way back. I know. I won't pull back the pork open. We can have a niff-niff. I'm going to have a niff-niff. Oh, what's the nose say? There's a lot going on there, mate.

Yeah, well. Sniff that. It smells like what you expect. Ramen, noodles. Oh, that's not unpleasant, though. It's not, but it's a weird mix of like- There's a very strong maple, woody, sweet. But there's a little bit of meaty sausage a weird mix There's a very strong maple Woody sweet But there's a little bit

Of meaty sausage in there There's a little bit of noodle The ramen The biscuit part Comes to the front as well I'm intrigued by that I'm intrigued I thought I was going to

Find that less pleasant Look inside again Does it have little bits in Yeah He's having a peek Total bits And it's just eggs No there's eggs

And there's bits of sausage Okay so the sauce then Is what Maple syrup Kind of thing Maple syrup kind of thing? Maple syrup, pancakes, sausage and egg. It just says ramen thing and flavour sauce. It didn't say anything about bits.

They always have bits. That's their thing. All right, bits are their thing. Their seafood flavours have actual dehydrated shrimp. Okay. What makes them a cut above is the dehydration process that they go to. Well, I think we've talked enough. It is time to boil the kettle

and get the fucking hot water onto this fucking noodle right, Ray. Let's launch the noodle. Oh, Paul. Something came out with that one. Oh, Paul. Oh, dear. Oh, Paul. Oh, Eli's put his hand on his face now.

Oh. Right, to the kettle. And we're back. The water has been poured. Yes, we have boiled the kettle, poured it to the fill line. We've got our little man. Yeah, your little... Lid protector man. Lid man. He fill line. We've got our little man. Your little lid protector man.

Lid man. He's gold and he's got a nice bum. Yeah. And he holds the lid down. He holds the lid down. Which is very good of him. And he was a gachapon, I believe. Yeah.

And doesn't he also double as a chopstick rest or something? Chopstick holder, yeah. He's very good. I like him. Very convenient. Very lovely. And he's done his job. He's kept the lid down

yeah on this this pot noodle and we're all we're just waiting we're just waiting we're gonna give it a stir we're on tender hooks now

we're right oh no we're ready to go we're ready to go it's been steeping for at least three minutes let me hand you a fork Paul I'm gonna take the little hoof

take the little fella off the lid did you steer it no I'm about to yeah give it a stir I think now give it a good stir what's the hoof it's funny it's like can I may I yeah can. Did you stir it? No, I'm about to. Yeah, give it a stir, I think now. Give it a good stir. What's the hoof?

It's funny. It's like... Can I? May I? Yeah. Can I? Before you stir it, I just want to give it a snuff.

It's very maple-y, but there's a sort of... There's a savoury... See, yeah, it's weird. It's weird. There's a savoury spiciness underneath the... Yeah.

Isn't there? Well, it's got that familiar ramen noodle kind of base to it, which kind of already mentally gives you those familiar flavours in your head that you're used to. It's cooked up a treat. Lodge a bit on the floor. There's a bit of egg gone on the floor.

You've dropped a bit of egg on the floor. He's stirring it thoroughly. It's got bits of egg and, I'm hoping, bits of sausage. Well, that would make sense, because otherwise, how are you going to add the sausage flavour to the sauce if it's going to be maple-y? In it goes. He's down. He's scarfed it. He's scarfed it.

He's scarfed it down. I've tried to get a little bit of egg with this one. Oh, it's gone off the top. Here we go. That's weird. It's weird, but it's not unpleasant. It's definitely not unpleasant. Here, hand it back over. I'm going to taste a little bit of the broth. Did you get a bit of egg? Yes, and it's definitely egg. It's very much a sort of maple

on the front and then a sort of spiciness. I'm not getting any of the other flavours in there. I'm not getting... Pancake? I'm not getting sausage. No, because what they say with pancake is really the maple syrup. It's quite nice. The broth.

Let me just see if I can get a bit of sausage and I'll hand it back to you. All right, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, there are fragments of sausage in here, definitely. Speaking to the mic. There are fragments of sausage here, definitely. It's hard to locate one. The egg didn't taste horrible. No, the egg's fine.

That's been in other... They do that in other flavors. So that's a staple. Yeah. Okay. So they know what they're doing with egg. They do. They do dehydrated food products very well.

I mean, that's their whole... It's frustrating because I was worried that we were going to say this was horrible dog shit, but it's not. No. It's very much a gimmick. And I can see why it's limited edition because I don't think this is a staying power brand thing. Here, look, I've got a bit of sausage there. Something.

Yeah, that's sausage. That's good. Oh, that tastes like sausage. That is good. It's funny. It's like an American breakfast, like a sausage patty, you know, like one of those. It's more like the maple is like hot, bigger on the nose than it is on the flavor profile. So when you actually eat it, it doesn't seem overwhelming and overly sweet.

It's got a sweet kind of buttery upfront moment. And then it's got the kind of savoury back door. It's the pork open! Which is wise of them, isn't it? Because that sweet would hurt it if they actually had that sweetness and not just that sort of smoky odour. It would clash too much with

the savoury elements. Maybe we're just shilling for Nissan these days. It's pretty good, isn't it? I could finish that quite happily, and it would make a quite nice breakfast noodle, which is something you don't hear a lot of, do you, really? Pretty good. How funny that that's all right.

I'm not going to rave about it and say it's the most amazing thing, but considering the concept was brazenly kind of odd, I'm surprised it's as nice as it is and how you can finish that that's more rich it is nice it is a nice noodle they've done it again mate what would you give it out of 10 i'd go for a seven seven and a half yeah i would say probably seven i would say for a gimmick it's surprisingly kind of respectful i mean it's nicer than a lot of those pot noodle flavors isn't it i mean but this is what the problem is isn't it it's surprisingly kind of respectful i mean it's nicer than a lot of those pot noodle flavors isn't it i mean but this is what the problem is isn't it it's like with pot noodle

it's like here's the flavor but you got you got to wade through all this stodge to get to it and what makes that work is it's not stodgy it's quite light it's the light broth yeah rather than the corn floury yeah gloop if that was gloop that would be fucking disgusting it would you're right absolutely right the texture hurts that hurts those Pond noodles. And the choice of noodle as well is quite ribbony and thin, isn't it? It's a nice noodle.

It's not angel, but it's thin. That's their whole game, man. But it has that thing that so many food and drink products from Japan have. It's an attention to detail and an exactness.

Yeah. They've got those flavours exactly right. You know, they haven't fudged them. The alchemy works, even though it really probably shouldn't. No. And if anyone is curious

and they can get their hands on it, we recommend it. Definitely worth giving it a go. It's definitely an experience in the realm of noodles. Sweet up front, kind of meaty at the end. It's not too heavy, a light broth. And the dehydrated elements, the dehydrated sausage and egg, lovely.

When you get a nice little bit of egg on the thing with a bit of broth, it's like, yeah, this is cosy food. Yeah, it's quite good. Cosy. Quite good. If there's a British version of this with, say, just for example, a HP sauce element or a ketchup element, and it was egg, sausage, I don't know bacon what would be a

beans mushroom baked beans mushroom yeah mushroom mushroom would work a full english would a full english work nissen here's your challenge please do it nissen nissen here's a challenge can you do a english full english breakfast cup noodle well they wouldn't have to use a sweet like the maple syrup element would would they? No. And perhaps that's the secret to this, because it's sort of a... Balance of textures and flavours. It's balancing.

That's exactly right. And perhaps it would just be too salty if they went for an English. The other thing I wanted to ask you, have pot noodle never done a limited edition English breakfast? I don't know. It feels like something they should have done, doesn't it? I can imagine they've done, like, not pot noodle, but I can imagine in this country you've done, like, full English crisp flavours or something.

They definitely have done a crisp, but I don't know if pot noodle have ever done a full English breakfast. And you know what? Let me just have a quick little check. Yeah, let's have a little look. Let's have a little look. Since we are in a generation

that is allowed to check its facts online. Here we go. So the answer is no. Okay. But some guy called The Bald Builder on YouTube has done a bad boy breakfast Bombay thing where he's basically poured baked beans into a Bombay bad boy and then stuck a sausage on the top. Yeah, I mean, you know.

Why not? That would work. Now, I would like, I have never tasted. Addendum. They have done a sausage casserole flavour. Ah, that's right. That's as close as I can find. Yeah, yeah.

Well, they should do, Pot Noodle should step up to the fucking task for once. If we turned around to Pot Noodle and said, do this, they'd do it, and it would taste like dog dick. It would just be Pot Noodle dog dick flavour. I'd never forgive them for that Christmas one. That would be fine if it didn't have such a chemically aftertaste.

Because up front, that sage and onion turkey thing is quite nice. But then it just starts to get that overwhelming chemical. And that's something that, again, if we're comparing, that's not in the Nissan at all. No. It's a lovely, there's no aftertaste. You know what I mean?

The flavours are just purely what they are. It doesn't linger and leave a kind of glob, little blob in your mouth. No. Well, what a surprising outcome. I was kind of thinking we were going to rip on this for being overly sweet and muggy. No. But once again, Nissan have made fools of us all.

Well, the one thing that was terrible they did was the fish-flavoured soda, which you didn't even drink. No, because I couldn't, to be fair. Yes, but it was terrible, man. But that, again, is a gimmick for a celebration. So it's fine. You can let that go.

One little thing I want to mention. Someone posted online today, on the social medias that Nissan have brought out a little measuring glass with the branded pot noodle cup noodle branded. Can't we get sponsored by Nissan?

I would love one of those. Can't this fucking podcast have a bit of success to allow us to be sponsored by something brand appropriate? Like Nissan. We'll be nice. We'll hawk your shit. Did you not see it? We won't mention dog dicks or pork openings

to do so either. We'll be genuine. Come on, listen. Come on, please. I can't find it now. It's the ephemeral nature of social media. Oh, yeah, you put ooh.

Oh, did I put an ooh? There you go. Yeah. Look how cool that is. Little measuring so you have exactly the right amount of water for your cup noodle.

That was just a cup, a little glass cup to drink out of. It's a good thing though, anyway, isn't it? Anyway, listen, look, we're desperate. Get in touch with us if you want to sponsor us.

I know you won't. I know you, we can't, you couldn't possibly be associated with this fucking shit. But bravo. Can we just say, well done on that.

We'll do anything you want. You're leading the way in novelty noodles. Well, what a stupendous end to this episode. It's only now time for us to wrap this cunt up

and get out of here. Let's get out. Everything, everything you need to get in touch with Cheap Show, everything is on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk it's your

one-stop shop for links to merch videos pages accompanying each episode social media links youtube channel stuff patreon stuff as well it's all there thecheapshow.co.uk and you can still get tickets for digitizer live that's happening later in the year we can see digitizer live with all your favorite people including us we're going going to be there. Get your tickets! Come on, get your tickets! We'll be giving away some of those leftover pot noodle tubs. Unless we decide to eat them beforehand because they're really quite nice.

There's a danger there, isn't there, Paul? There is a strong danger. But also, it looks like we're going to be selling cheap show magazines there. So if you want to help support event, come on to the Digi live. Buy a magazine. We'll sign it. And I might even give away some board games as well, because I've got loads. I need to do something, mate, because I can't afford storage much longer.

I'll be flinging noodle decks out. You will, all over the place. Come along to Digi Live, get your tickets on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And very quickly, Eli, sorry, patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you wish to support this podcast. And if you can, give what you can, but only if you can can access to years and years of extra podcasts videos games magazines loads of stuff and events tell me what the next issue is going to be about well the latest issue is eggs eggs eggs

and it's a great issue but she's told me what the next issue is going to be a few months down the line very exciting stuff uh patrons thank you so much for your support. Oh, yeah. This week. Night Bustin'. So, I mean, I'm editing this. I mean, we record on a Monday, go through on a Friday. Between now and when I release it, I hopefully get everything else done. But here's what patrons can expect for April. First of all, all tiers are getting this. But then after we do it anymore, it will go to a crap book $10 tier thing.

Okay. But everyone will get access to this. It will be Night Bussin' episode one. It's the N18. It's the N18. It's a rather pleasant affair but you will get basically a bit of setup and then I'm thinking of just an unedited run

of that whole half an hour on the bus that we spend. Okay. I trust you. Maybe I'll chop it up but maybe I'll just leave the whole thing. I don't know. We'll see. But either way, expect Nightbussin'

when me and Eli get on a night bus and see what happens. And then also, I've been filming behind the scenes for Digitizer Season 2 this past week. And so, the top tier people, this month, their visual episode will be the behind the scenes of Digitizer Season 2. Nothing that will spoil it, but enough to show

you what was going on behind the scenes and some of the wacky antics we got up to. That's for the top tier folk. And that's it for patreon.com forward slash cheap show. If you can. Everything else is thecheapshow.co.uk apart from Twitter, which is at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is...

Eli Snoid, spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. What wicked, wicked funny thing can we end this episode with this month? You've ruined it now. Have I? Oh, I just wanted to say... Three words. Pork open now. Four words.

Pork open now, Paul. No. I mean, I like that, but no. Paul, pork open. now. Four words. Pork open now, Paul. No. I mean, I like that, but no. Paul, pork open. No. Four words for me and that's all I'm going to say.

And then you're walking out the door. Yeah. All right. This is good. Are you ready? Yeah. Blue Raz the movie.

You heard it here first. Well, no, you just said five more. No, Blue Raz the movie. And then you just said four more now. No, but that's just the word. Well, then you said,

yeah, but you lied. I get to decide which four words they are and the four words that they are, Blue Raz the movie. Well, but that's just the words. But then you said, yeah, but you lied. I get to decide which four words they are. And the four words that they are, blue rads the movie. Well, I'm going to end this episode with my own four words as well. Eli J. Silverman sucks.

What was that for? Eli J. Does J count as a word? Of course it does. In that case, I'm going to say five. Doesn't Eli J. Silverman suck? How about that? Hey, see you next week.

Thanks, everybody. Bye, everyone. and suck. How about that? Hey, see you next week. Thanks everybody. Bye everyone.