CheapShow - Ep 332: Spunk!

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

It’s a particularly volatile episode this week as Paul is in a proper mood and Eli is absolutely not in the mood for it. Hopefully the addition of a mountain of cheap sweet treats is enough to calm the situation down somewhat. In this episode, it’s a Sweet Shop special with a weird and wonderful assortment of candies to chow down on. From chalky chews to gummy disasters, from sweet delights to sour wonders, the Cheap Chaps try them all. Just be mentally ready to hear Paul swallow salty balls, eat money and gobble down spunk. It’s that kind of show. Thankfully, Eli gets to try an exciting new flavour of crisps unfamiliar to his palate. What will he make of a Kebab snack? You’ll have to find out! More importantly, when is he going to get tired of Paul’s bull****? It’s longer than you expect. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-332-spunk And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I'm not in a funny mood. I'm really not. Ah. Ah. Shut up. Eli, shut your fucking mouth. You're under my roof now. It's Gannon's show, and it's my time.

And I'm taking the show back from you, because you tried to run it last week with your switcheroo plot. It didn't work. It wasn't a plot. And everyone was singing it in the streets. What's that smell? What's that smell? Eli, shut the bed.

Everyone was singing it. Everyone was singing it. Boom was singing it. In crowds. At the coronation. Everyone's singing Eli shat the bed. Paul. No, it's my rules, mate. I'm not the move for a podcast this week. So we're going to put through this episode like a roadrunner.

Paul. Yeah? Just one thing on that, yeah? One thing. One thing. What? In my childhood. When I shat the bed. And I had to go see someone. Dr on that. One thing. What? In my childhood, when I shut the bed, and I had to go see someone, Dr. Simon, about it. About poo in the bed. Yes. And so I appreciate it, just on a professional level. You know what I'm going to do.

If you don't... You know what I'm going to do. Okay, because it was an actual issue that I had to... That you shut the bed. I had to deal with, as a child, and had therapy. What's that smell? What's that smell? He, had to shut the bed i have to deal with as a child and had therapy what's that smell what's that smell he like shut the bed that one i'm actually being serious did your doctor sing that to you i'm actually being serious now hello doctor oh i've had this really dirty complication the doctor goes oh what's that smell what's that smell he What's that smell? Eli shat the bed.

It's not what he said to the visit doctor. Oh, this is a great episode. It was an experimental therapy, music therapy. And you had to do a song about your issue. Paul, talking of imagined things, I've come up with a joke. And I just want to run it past you. Because I've had a little rare moment. Joke writing. Okay. You so you ready yeah go for it uh what country in europe do people who knit move to uh what country in europe do people who knit move to purland

why is a pearl what's that got to do with knitting? You purl knit one, purl one, don't you? Purlin. All right, good try. Good. I'm happy with that. I'm going to read out the... I don't think it's going to top mine. I've got a genuine laugh.

No, this is better. You've got to laugh from no one apart from yourself, and that's the truth. Now, I'll say the... What's it called? The build-up. What's the first part of the joke? Set-up.

Set-up. Jesus Christ. Shows when I last you-up. Set-up. Jesus Christ. Show us one last you wrote for fucking stand-up. Exactly. What country in Europe do people who knit move to? I don't know, Eli. What country in Europe do people who knit move to? Crocheter.

Yeah. I'll take it. Welcome to the Chief Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

As in Croatian No, I got it, yeah, no, it was very good, well done Both of us, well done Gag writers, extreme Extreme to the max Listen, welcome to Cheat Show Paul's had a few to drink What's that smell?

What's that smell? Paul's had a desper. What's that smell? What's that smell? Paul's had a desperado. What's that smell? Paul is pissed as bats. He's had one desperado, everybody. Correction. One and a second on the go. Yes, and he's going to break the shoulder of the second desperado right now.

I have bought some brandy, but I... This is what it sounds like when your heroes die. This is what it sounds like. I heroes die this is what it sounds like I have Brandy in the other room and I'm sorely tempted to crack it open looking at you

down in desperado mate I don't give a fuck this week well what's coming are we doing this is the cold open now now we're into the right

this is now the episode this is the episode 332 of Cheap Show what are we fucking doing the soon to be cancelled podcast Cheap Show because Paul I've won too many What are we doing? What are we fucking doing? The soon-to-be-cancelled podcast cheap show. Because, Paul, I'd want too many... Jesus.

Paul, have you had a little drinky? Don't spill. It's fine. He has a tilted table. I am in total control of my faculties. Look at my diction, Eli. Look at my diction. Are you in total control of the tilted table?

Yeah. Total control of the Tilted Table. Once you get it level, it's fine. It's absolutely bang on. It's good. What's coming up on the show today, Paul? Today, well, let me tell you. Today is a sweet-flavoured candy-tastic episode as we go

back to Paul Gannon's sweet shop and adjacent snacks and drinks. The froth shop? No, that's been closed because all the characters have done a runner, haven't they, since the Red Knob Day? Yeah, can't get in touch with any of them. Seriously, Brandoff not picking up. Biscuit's not picking up.

Can't speak to Marjorie. She's gone off the books. But I was in Yarmouth the other day. Yeah. And it was weird because it was like this person who was doing a magic show at the end of the pier.

Yeah. It was the great Jim Ez. Weird. It was Jim Davidson. The great Jim a magic show at the end of the pier. Yeah. It was the great Jim Ayres. Weird. It was Jim Davidson. The great Jim Ayres. Alan Carr, Sarah Millican, and the great Jim Ayres. Yeah. What an interesting lineup of stand-up comedians on one night.

No, no, no. Separate nights. They had them all above the pier. Oh, okay. Because I can't see Sarah Millican doing a double header. Millican. Say after me. Millican.

I knew a stand-up called Sarah Millican. She did stand-up. She went up and came back in again. Say after me. Milikan. I knew a stand-up called Sarah Milikan. She went up and came back in again. Oh, no. Anyway, look. I want to say something. Quiet in the house. Shush.

Shush, everyone. Fingers on lips. Fingers on lips. Fingers on lips. Stay. Keep them there. Fingers on lips. Fingers on lips.

Fingers on lips, Eli. They're on the lips. What more can I do? Put your finger on your lips. But you keep saying fingers on lips. I lips eli they're on the lips what can i do but you keep saying fingers on lips i'm doing it for you now i forgot what exactly you just wanted the fingers on the lips get the sweets out for god's sake we're floundering this week on cheap show we're doing a candy shop adventure we've got loads of candy some sent in some just recently sourced by only this afternoon and we're going to be testing them and trying them out for you on this podcast to see if cheap candy is fine candy.

All right? Is that all right? I'm fine. Good. Fine with me. But I want to say, as of this podcast now, the phone lines are closed. No more entries for your Envision 2023. You've had your time.

Oh, we're recording it on a Monday. This goes out Friday doesn't make sense in context now on reflection what are you talking about it's already closed it's closed

it's been closed for a week yeah since since people listening to this now five days ago so peace and love everyone but we'll be putting any entries in the bin you know

yeah you know ooh ooh I was doing Ringo no I was doing McCartney yeah yeah anyway

peace and love everybody but fuck off a big surge towards the end of entries so we've got a lot to get through in fact after we record this episode today

we will be going through all of those tracks and whittling them down to ten ten tracks only we're looking for we're looking for variety we're going to try

and do ten ten tracks as various in styles as possible for the night. But all the entries will be available for people to listen to. Yes. As judges, we have to listen to them first. Then we send them to our judges

who will record for the video on the night. We have to get that done because they can sometimes take a while to get those videos back. There's a lot of work now, so we've got to get right on the Eurovision train. And so we have to cut. We're cutting more songs tonight than we're keeping, aren so we've got to get right on the Eurovision train. And so we have to cut. And choo-choo-woof-woof.

We're cutting more songs tonight than we're keeping, aren't we? Yeah, it's going to be very sad. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be, and also to see us doing the process of choosing these songs as a little video.

Oh, you're videoing it? Oh, yeah. Christ, you didn't tell me. Tits out, love. Is that what you... That's what you got done. It's just your inherent sexism that you offload on me,

but because I'm a guy, it's sort of... It's okay. Yeah, it is. It's fucking... Don't talk about my tits. You've uncoded my fucking rhetoric. I've deconstructed your whole fucking flimsy persona. Oh, hello, I'm flimsy persona.

That's a good character name, actually. It is. I just don't know what to do with it now. Crocheter. Take them to Crocheter. Oh, look. I'm going to Pearl. That was shit.

Now. How dare you? Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Welcome to Cheap Show. Shall we get on with it? You haven't done the theme tune yet. I'll tell you what. You've done the theme tune.

I've done the theme tune, yeah. I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen. Eli told me to tell some of the dance floor, and it was really good, but he told me off camera, so it's not happening now so moving on what was that about you going to the gig in brixton and going oh stressy stressy and then you got a call saying you should be in camden and you went no you didn't yeah that's not true and then your boss went oh mate i've sent you to the wrong place come to camden then you went to camden therefore avoiding the stressy, stressy other gig.

Which was cool. It's a good story. I want to get it at one of your best, but since you spunked it in real life, IRL, it means out now. So I got to impart it as well. We need some structure here. Do you want to fight?

How fucking have you? We need to reintroduce some structure. Which does sound like a euphemism for fucking having sex. I'll reintroduce some structure. Yeah. I'll reintroduce some structure. Yeah, I'll reintroduce some structure right into you. Fucking get you down on your knees and I will reinforce my structure. I will erect a structure.

Oh, no, that's going too far, mate. Shut up, get the sweets, God. No, we go to a little break before we go to the sweets. Fucking hell, what more do you want from me? I've written a perfectly good joke. Is that all you've got for us this week? I've got the word, no, I've got the word bumfoot. Bumfoot?

Yeah. What does it mean? When your bum's comfy. Bumfoot. Oh! So, how are you doing? I'm sitting down. Oh, this is lovely bumfoot.

I'd say, hello, Maximoso Bumfoot. Oh! Hello, I'm Johnny Maximoso Bumfoot. I've put a splint up the sides of my knob, and I am General Bumford. Yeah, that's just too far now. That's just too far. It's not too far.

I'll give you too far. How dare you talk to a general like that? Too far, not cool. Right, this cock splint needs mending. Cock splint needs mending. Too far, not cool, everybody. I think it's a bit of a downer for this segment, don't you think?

I think he's ruined it. I am Colonel Bumford and I won't have it. Right, let's just crack. You know what? I can't move. I know. I've got this giant cock splint on the ground. I'm going to keep you in line this week.

Ah! Incoming! Fuck you! Oh, if only I could move this giant cock splint. Ah! That will go in my eye move this giant cock splint. Ah! That will go in my eye, you bitch. You drunken fuck. Stop.

Give me one. I'm throwing out your big face. Sorry about that. Ow. Ah! They're going off in the back. And that's where we end. Shit.

And that's where we end this segment of pure... Go on, throw one. Nice. I bought a pack of those fun snaps. That's not a good thing to do inside because it's going everywhere. Why are you doing it then? I threw it right at your fucking Lego ghost house as well. How dare you touch my ghost house.

Oh, that one. Yeah, we should stop doing this. Right, we'll see you after this sound effect. Right, we're off to the races, boys and girls. Well, Eli, come into my sweet shop. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Come on in. Hello, Eli, my name's Paul Gannon

and I run the world's greatest sweet shop. Yes, we've met before. Yes. Yes. But I like to treat all my customers as if they were close friends. Well, you wouldn't say, hello, Eli, I'm Paul Gannon to me.

If I was a close friend, I'd know who you were. All right, then. Is the reality of this fucking sketch fucking straining at the seams. Anyway, I'm... Oh, come in again. Yeah. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Hello, Eli, I'm Paul Gannon.

Welcome to my sweet shop of many treats. I have some treats for you today. Oh, go on, then. What have you got? From around the world. What have you got? The greatest sweet shop in the whole planet. Do you have crisps as well?

I also have crisps and some soft drink. Something to wash it down with that isn't Desperado. It's gulping Desperado. Oh, it's foaming. Look at that. You love it. You love the creamy foam.

So look, we've got a lot of stuff to get through. The first batch today came from a supporter and lover of Cheap Show and their name is Schaff. And Schaff sent an email because there was a letter

in the thing. Didn't we meet Schaff on the shoot? Yeah, well, that's what I was going to say. We were handed these when we were shooting Digitizer Season 2 Block 8 or whatever it is for the recording. It was a crazy week of green screen madness, but lots of laughs. You've seen a few clips online, no doubt.

You've seen some more, haven't you, Paul? Yeah, there was also the nice clip that Biffo put up on his Coronation special, which I highly recommend on YouTube. You watch. What are you doing into your hands? Are you being sick? Am I being sick? Yeah.

You're just like facing your palms and go... I don't know what you're talking about. Like a little barking squarklet Brucey. I'm little barking sparklet Gruesey. Yeah, sparklet Grueseley. I am sparket, blarket Farket McBruso Yeah you know what We should have started

This recording much earlier You started it You started the nonsense You should have started What the recording Before you slammed A fucking Desperado He slammed that

First Desperado So hard He can't even get past The shoulder on the second one It's hitting him It's starting to hit him In the swoozies He's getting

He wants to attack me now. The blood is boiling. And the piss is fizzing. Read the fucking email from Shaft. Dear Paul and Eli, because yeah, he sent me a letter. He gave us the back, but then he followed up with an email. So I'm going to read the email version of the letter out. Thank you. Thank you very much. I feel sad.

Eli. I know. We both feel sad. It's been tough times. I know. It's been tough for me as well, Paul. But, you know, sometimes you just have to do a good podcast. Yeah, because it's the fans, isn't it? You do it for the listeners. You do it for the listeners. You do it for the listeners, don't you?

Those Bill or Bobby Joes out there sitting there looking for a bit of cheap show rainbow at the end of their week. Well, I'll give you fucking rainbows. Here we go. Oh, I'll give you fucking rainbows. Here we go. Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right. Come on. Let's do this. Read the email, please.

Dear Paul and Eli, I have been a listener for a few years now and I first discovered you through Digitizer and the Winky story. Hmm. I love the madcap and mucky humor even with some occasional consumer advice. Yeah, we have our moments.

Well, that brown sauce was. Brown sauce was very interesting. It was a breakthrough, wasn't it? You kept the Morrison's brown sauce, didn't you? I know, I haven't found the need. Sausages. I haven't cooked sausages since then. Bacon.

I haven't cooked bacon since then, or a burger. Well, mate, that's when you need to whip it out. Chops. If I get chips from across the road, fish and chips. Chips with HP is lovely. It's my favourite dipper. Although sometimes I do like mayo. Well, that's what we didn't mention. But I get chips from across the road, fish and chips. Chips with HP is lovely. It's my favourite dipper. Although sometimes they do like mayo.

Well, that's what we didn't mention. But I'm not a ketchup guy. Paul, we didn't mention that in Scotland they've got that stuff they call sauce, which is brown,

but that isn't the same as HP, is it? It's much more vinegary. Kind of vinegary curry saucy thing. It's not. It's like brown. I think it's a tamarind

based thing, but it's just more vinegary. Okay, well. I would like to know. I would like to know like and i saw a um in the shop around the corner for me i saw an item for sale yeah do you know what it was called what spread cream i think i'm gonna buy some should i buy i think you should it's i don't know it you know it's from abroad but anyway it's called spread cream i'd like you to shut up as I finish this letter. I used to listen in the car on my four-hour round commute. Jesus Christ. A couple of years ago, life finally allowed me to move much closer to work.

I did not adapt my schedule fast enough, and before I knew it, there was a massive cheap show backlog. I am now catching up, but I'm still nine months behind. Well, there's lots for you to experience. I love it. Wow, he won't hear this then. He won't hear this for weeks, months maybe. He'll never hear this. But thanks for the stuff

anyway. Well done, Schaff. Anyway, I've just finished in Denmark on a rare work trip abroad. While I was there, I saw some food items that I thought Cheap Show would like. So I purchased them for you. I'm not sure if they taste great, but they should bring a few laughs at least. I also have sent a Danish-made soda pop,

although that's there as well, that the Danes rave about, an excuse for the jalopy. Fuck that, not happening, jalopy, roll on. Thank you for the laughs all over the years. Keep up the good work. Oh, what's this now? I'm not going for the protracted, drawn-out nature of bringing Juicy Jeremy in.

I don't know why Juicy Jeremy's been... A moment ago, we said all our characters have flown into the wind and we can't find them. Fine, fine. Because of the shame of the Red Knob Day special episode has ruined the reputation of the characters. It's literally just a segment to a moment ago. We said all our characters have flown into the wind and we can't find them. Fine. Because of the shame of the Red Knob Day special episode has ruined the reputation of the characters. Right. So there is no Juicy Jeremy around today. And I'm still hearing legal problems from all the courts.

I mean, if he hears about it, he'll be unhappy. That's all it is. What do you want to do first? The sweets or the drink? The sweets. Let's get this one out of the way because I'm not sure about it. This is Haribo. Can't go wrong with Haribo.

Lovely, lovely. Lovely, lovely haribo haribo had sort of they were dominant more dominant a few years ago than they are now that would be my observation don't you think yes it's kind of one of those things that was like a corner shop kind of secret that you go oh the haribo and then became a mass all of a sudden everyone had it kind of brand they were were a German company. Well, they are, aren't they? They are a German company. You know what's big now? Trolley. And there's another one.

Trolley does all those Haribo sort of bag, the same format. Same but different kind of, yeah. So these are called Salt Bomber. I presume... Salt Licorice. Well, look, I will say that on the packet

it describes itself as I would describe myself. Salty and hard. It says it on the packet. Salty and hard. It says it on the pack. Salty and hard. And me, Eli, Eli, guess what I, guess the two things I am.

Salty and hard, Paul. Yeah. And what do you think I mean by hard? I mean that you... What do you think I mean by hard? I think you have skin hardening in your armpits because you use salt.

Compulsively, you rub salt into your pits and it's hardened over the years with a big grimy crystalline. It's like you have this huge saltberg and you're fucking a filthy, scrubby saltberg in each pit. He's correct.

He is correct. Now, give me some of this licorice. What's the nose on it? Has it got a... It's licorice smell. I'm going to pull one out. These are little balls. Oh, so they're not like super hard, like a boiled sweet.

They are quite tough and chewy. Oh, very salty. Oh, fuck it out. But where was he? Did he say Norway? Denmark. Denmark, sorry. But this is Haribo obviously manufacturing something just for the...

Isn't salted licorice a very Scandinavian thing, isn't it? I love licorice, but when you put salt on it... Oh, they're not that hard. They're less hard than I thought. I just said that, didn't I? Yeah. There's some sweetness there. I like the licorice bit, but the salt gets in the way.

Gives me excuse to catipulity topple. Right, next. Out of five. For what they are, three. They're not my cup of tea. Oh, God! Oh, and he's... He's got a bottle. Oh, God! Oh, I need spitting. You've got a bottle right there.

Just swallow it and then drink the drink. I'm not spitting in there! Just swallow it. I'm not spitting! Just swallow it, please. I have spitting. No, just swallow it and drink the drink at the same time like you're swappling down a medicine bowl.

What? Swappling down a medicine bowl. Swappling down a medicine ball. There are three. For what they are, they're a good three. I don't like that. Come on. I don't like the saltiness. Swapple down your medicine ball, Eli.

Let's crack on. Do not like the taste of that. These next ones. One of the few flavours in nature that I don't like is licorice. So one for you then out of five, I imagine. Oh, yeah. Right. These are by a company called Carletti. And they're called Wiener Linzer. that I don't like is licorice. So one for you then out of five, I imagine. Oh yeah. Right.

These are by a company called Carletti and they're called Wiener Linzer. Wiener. Wiener Linzer. Wiener. I don't see any joke or anything I can infer

from that. Wiener Linzer. Wiener. I need something to clear the cunt out of my mouth. Oh, I don't know about these.

I think they're one of those. Oh, I don't know what this is, but I don't think I like it based on the horse. Calm down. What's that smell? Yeah, what is that smell?

It's like mint and chocolate or something. I hate that combination. Yeah, it's a mint chocolate smell, but there's something quite astringent about it. Oh, mate, I'm not going to enjoy this one, am I? They're mint chocolates, are they? Oh, I'm just going to find out. I think they've got licorice.

I think I can detect licorice in the inside. What is that? It's a mint chocolate. I guess so, but it's a weird texture. It's like a mint chocolate Smartie. Because the thing looks

like a Bomb Bomb. Or like a big M&M. I like those. No, they're like an oversized Smarties of shape. Yeah. I like those. They've got a very,

it's like a mint cake, a Kendall mint cake. That level of mint, you know? That sort of high quality mint oil. With a chocolate base. Yeah, they're alright. They're alright, but not mint cake. That level of mint, you know? That sort of high quality mint oil. It's a chocolate base. Yeah, they're all right. They're all right, but not for me.

I don't hate them, but that's another three for me. Not for me, but they're fine for what they are. I'm going to say 3.75. They're nice. I like that. Now, Eli, would you like... Like a super strong, crunchy after eight almost. Eli, with that smarty give.

Shell, that sugar shell thing. Yeah, I like that crunchy. I mean, they're pretty good, I have to say. The chocolate is probably the weakest note in those. There's more mint. I think it just binds it all together. You can hardly taste the chocolate at all when you eat it. It makes it crumbly, though, texturally.

It gives it a nice creamy texture on the inside of the crispy. I'm going to say four for that. All right, okay, cool. I'm going to say four for those, Paul. I'm going to have to say four for those. Eli. I can see what's coming would you well ironically yes because i would like to offer you some spunk right now eli it's finally happened we have a product called

literally spunk it's by a company called vin gummy and i think it's a parrot on the front is this when the podcast will actually weirdly come to an end is this the end of the sort of era this time when we actually eat spunk on the... Little multicoloured candies in here called spunk. Spunk candies, yeah. And there's a... No, that's it, really. What's the nose of the spunk?

Sweet gummy spunk. Sweet gummy spunk. Can you hand the spunk over? Look like little... Do you know those cherry lips? They're tiny. I bet they're really chewy. Yeah, they have the same kind of consistency as cherry lips, I think.

They're quite nice. Oh, I like them. Nice, generic, fruity. They're softer than... No, they're still a bit chewy, but... Oh, Eli, I love spunk. They're like pastels. It's that sort of texture, isn't it?

I love spunk. They're little banana-shaped fruit pastel things. A bit waxy. I like that. They're a bit like those lips as well, those cherry lips. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I like them. Oh, mate, I love spunk. Can I have some more spunk? Give me

the spunk. I would like more spunk. Oh, look at me putting spunk in my mouth, Eli. I love spunk. This is the best spunk I've ever had, actually. Oh, God. On reflection, I don't think I've had spunk as good as this in my mouth before. I love sucking it. Please stop saying that. Spunk is really nice. Spunk

might be my favourite thing to be in my mouth. Aren't they spunks, though? It's spunk, but does that mean they're spunks? I just like spunk. It'll take me forever to masticate this. Yeah, well, it does. Sometimes when you have a lot of spunk in your mouth, it's hard to get it down in one go, isn't it?

You've got to kind of chew on it for a bit, roll it round your tongue, get it between your teeth. Shut up! Fucking hell! And then if you can, if it's a big glob of spunk, you have to chew it. I'm just talking about candy. Here's the report on the second Desperado, everybody.

He's broken the shoulder. That's a five, by the way. I love spunk. Five best spunk. I'd say three. Yeah, they were tasty. Five best spunky life. It's just too much chewing going on.

Spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk, spunk. Right, now we're drinking. Why is this happening to me? Now we're drinking a drink called Faxi Condi, which is a... I don't know what it is, but apparently it's roved about.

In Denmark. Raved about. I think it's there. It's like a famous thing. This smells like 7-Up or Sprite. It's got a 7-Up coloured bottle. It's just a very generic lemon soda, is it?

It's lighter than both those, isn't it? Yeah. This is slightly yellower than those, though. lighter than both those, isn't it? Yeah. This is slightly yellower than those, though. There's a difference, isn't there? No, it doesn't. You think it's a bit yellow, but look, it's all clear. It's not like spunk, which is a bit cloudy when you look through it.

Shut up. Just saying. Oh, it smells exactly like 7-Up from my childhood, going to restaurants as a kid. Yeah, exactly like that. Sports days. Yeah. Here we go. Fucking hell. Sack race race put the feet in the corners and hop faxy condi down we go i think that's nicer than

both seven up and sprite have you tasted sprite recently yes it's fucking horrible it's fake piss that's like seven up that's actually much closer to seven and doesn't taste artificial i mean you know what i mean do you know where i come down down? Where do you come down on Spunk? On the 7-Up and Sprite battle. I think 7-Up tastes nicer. Yeah, I agree. I definitely agree. And this is closer to 7-Up,

wouldn't you agree? Better than 7-Up, actually. It's sweeter, a little bit more syrupy. It's got a kind of Pepsi texture. I'm liking these Scandinavian sodas because do you remember that sports cola we had?

Oh, yeah. That was Scandinavian as well. I think that was Swedish. I think that was Swedish. Either i think that was either way that whole that was delicious delicious cola wasn't it that whole area oh very good that is right that's right refreshing and that's the end and hey everyone hey we didn't put any ice in so we didn't taste it properly shut up oh dear fucking what do you think we're doing here? Do you know what I mean? Oh, you haven't tasted the soda properly.

If you... Listen, not everyone can afford ice. I'm just going to go ahead and press stop on this segment because I'm done now. Oh, you're done now, are you? Thank you, chef. You're done now, are you, Paul? I am.

Chef? Schaff is his name. S-H-A-F. Schaff. I'm a chef and I'll cook you up some spunk in a skillet. Who's the guy who sent us loads of lovely candy from Denmark? Schaff. Shut up.

There we go. Thank you very much. And that's the end of that segment. Favourite thing for me was spunk. Did you like spunk or did I like it more than you? I think my favourite thing was the crunchy, minty... Oh, the wiener. The wieners.

So you preferred the wiener and I preferred the spunk. I prefer to chow down on hot, throbbing wiener. That's all I wanted to hear. Throw as much spunk up your gob as you possibly can. Spunk, wiener, spunk, gob. Gob, wiener, skunk. Punk, skunk, bunk. And that's the end of this segment.

Plunky dog wiener. I shall now insert a sound effect. Spooty, spooty. Spooty and the blowfish. Oh, shut up! Well, thank you for those wonderful candies, but yet are more to come. More are yet to come. Yet are more to come, Eli.

You know what I will never forgive you for? Not providing me with a spitty bag for your horrible salty licorice balls. Well, unfortunately, you swallowed my load, etc. Oh, God! Etc. Calm down, mate. Calm down. You're acting irrationally today. You want to sort yourself out? Step back. Chillax, God. Et cetera. Calm down, mate. Calm down. You're acting irrationally today.

You want to sort yourself out? Step back. Chillax, man. All right. It's only podcasting. No one's going to get hurt here. Oh. We went, Eli and I went,

to our local corner shop on the corner. There were two of them. Two of them. We went to two of them. Different corners. And we bought a load of candy based on, you know, aesthetical design

or flavor profiles or gimmicks. One of those shops is sort of at least 50% larger in terms of floor space than the other. Yeah, that other one's not on the corner, is it? It's on a corner, just not the corner, because it is the end of that row. Sort of the end of that row, yeah, but it's on the same street. It's not a street corner.

What is a corner, mate? It's just a building corner. Listen, mate, we're going back in time right now, doodly, doodly, doodly. Are we? Do you remember all those years ago on Cheap Show, many, many, many years ago, when we were in Southampton recording in the studio,

you came with a thing called a juicy drop. Remember, it was a candy with a little pen full of gummy, and you squirted the gummy out of the pen. You mean not gummy, you mean like sort of jelly goo. Oh, goo. Syrupy goo. Yeah, the pen. You mean not gummy, you mean like sort of jelly goo. Oh, goo. Syrupy goo. The pen squeezed out a goo onto the candy drops, didn't it? Yeah.

Yes, I remember. And it was like this horrible thing. No, they were quite nice. No, I didn't like it. It was very sickly. Well, either way, we've discovered that not only are they still in existence, but they have now extreme juicy drop gummies. Chewy gummy with a sour gel.

Yeah, it's a gel, yeah. This is a strawberry lemonade gel. I have seen these reappear recently in the shops, in convenience shops. And there's a lot of them. There seems to be a lot of flavours. Oh, different flavours? Yeah. I saw at least three flavours of these extreme ones.

So these are going to be sour then, judging by the epithet of it being sour. It is. Have you got the heating on in here? No. God, it's hot. Because the pot is getting hot, man. Why am I sweaty, sweaty? Out of shape, aren't you?

Oh, here we go. Right. So look. Oh, a big gummy. Give a gummy here. Are they all the same, the gummies? All the same. Let's just have a gummy without the pen on.

Oh, it looks like a... Because it's got a diblet, hasn't it? It looks like a pastel with a hole not going all the way through. It's got like a gummy without the pen on. Oh, it looks like a... Because it's got a diblet, hasn't it? It looks like a pastel with a whole... Not going all the way through. It's got like a little... It's a diblet. Like a taco hat or whatever.

Yeah, it's a diblet. It's a little cup. To pour the jelly. It's a little cup which holds the gel. Was this what they were like before? Yeah. But the ones you had were... I can't remember now.

I'd have to listen to the episode again. I think they were strawberry. Maybe. Yeah. Either way, I think they were white and blue or there was a blue pen. These are sort of peach-coloured. They're sort of half pink, half yellow, these little cups.

I'm just going to eat one of these without the gel, just to see what I'm getting on with. So let me just go in. Oh, there's enough for me to eat? Yeah, there's loads. Mmm. Okay. Has some sounders. Not that much.

No, but it's there. It is there. And it's peach-flavoured, isn't it? Am I right in thinking that? No, it says strawberry lemonade. Oh, yeah, that's nice. It's fine. It's got a kind of American wine gum flavour to it kind of thing.

Now I'm getting the pen out. It's a bit floral. If you don't like your gummy, get your pen out. All right, I'm going to now add a bit of gel from the pen and apply it to the gummy and hand it to you, Eli. I don't want your filthy finger gummy thing. I want to... Oh, you... Oh, and hand it to you, Eli. I don't want your filthy finger gummy thing. I want to... Oh!

I've won yourself, you big baby. I want to squirt the pen! That's the whole fun of it, isn't it? Alright, well then I'll let you squeeze your own. I want to squeeze my own, thank you. He does often squeeze his own. Oh, this one's got a small hole. I'm not going to be able to fit enough gel up there. Shut up. No, they've got different sized holes. I'm inserting the gel.

Oh, it's very runny. Yeah, it's more like a sort of syrup, isn't it? Than a gel, I'd say. Oh, you get quite a bit in, though. You can pile it up. It seeps in. There's quite a bit in there. It's sort of a do...

Looks like a little tit, doesn't it? Like a little water or something. Second time he's mentioned tits today. Paul, it's almost like the equivalent of a salt and shake. It's like construct your own sweet. Yeah, a gimmick, isn't it? Which has a liquid of the equivalent of a salt and shake it's like construct your own yeah sweet gimmick in it which has a liquid center turns it into a toy almost yes like i'm chewing we see a lot of that with those egg those egg fryer popping candy things for example which we covered there's a lot of toy sweet crossover about the demographic isn't it

i've also filled it with the gel it goes in in quite nice, doesn't it? It goes in quite nice. I enjoyed that. I think the gel makes that. It adds a lot more sweetness and tartness to the overall flavour profile. More sour, yeah. Yeah, it's better. It's better when they go together. Oh, he's just eating the gel directly onto his finger now, everybody. He just likes the gel.

It's funny. Even on my fingers, there's a little tip to put in my mouth. It's fine, but it does make the gummy. Yeah. Separately, they're kind of boring, but together they kind of go, oh, that's alright. There's a synergy. Now, what happens if I do a Desperado

chaser with a thing? Here we go. It will taste like Desperado and strawberry artificial flavour. Right, look, here we go. This is the kind of consumer advice that our listeners live for. He's downing sips of... Gulps of Desperado with squirty pen fluid.

That was nice. I give that a 3.5 out of 5. What have we got next? What did you rate it? Right, next. Two. Two and a half. Halfway.

You've got the big fucky thumb now. Next, we've got thumb dippers. Bam, bam, thumb. Thumb dippers is a... Well, it's a real. Halfway. You've got the big fucky thumb now. Next, we've got thumb dippers. Bam, bam, fam. Thumb dippers is a... Well, it's a real bam splitter. Do you want me to just let me fucking say it before you jump in? No, I want to say bamming. Oh, mate.

What are we going to do? We're men of science. We'll figure this out. This is a thumb-based candy holder thing. So it comes in a big plastic red thumb like a thumb that you may have hit with a nail in a cartoon yes well just to give you the sort of vibe it's a very angry red thumb yeah it did come in other colors and flavors but i got this one because i wanted a big red thumb tip i thought i could use it for rude humor and what i'm but i

don't know how it works because it looks like one of those russian dolls almost doesn't it it does seem to have be have a section there's a yellow band around the middle of it works because it looks like one of those Russian dolls almost, doesn't it? It does seem to have a section. There's a yellow band around the middle of it. Oh, it's a lolly. I was wondering. It's basically a push pop lolly, isn't it? I don't need to taste that. It's generic.

Is there sherbet? It smells of fucking dicks. What's that smell? In that base. It's meant to be like a strawberry. Yeah, it's kind of very artificially. That's the sherbet, is it? Yeah.

You dunk it in the sherbet. Do you want to try the sherbet yourself, mate? Have a little bump for the sherbet. Have a little bump. Right, I'm going to just try the sherbet on its own. Yeah. God, ugh. Not very good.

Christ. I'm going to lick the big thumb tip. It's not very sweet. You're licking... Oh, you've totally ruined the big... Oh, mate, come on. Stop. This would go nice

with spunk, mate. I tell you. Oh, stop. Dunk the thumb in. I'm dunking the thumb tip lolly. I had to get it nice and wet, didn't I? No one needs to know this.

I had to get it nice and wet, didn't I? No one's even interested. I'm certainly not in how this is going to go. How is that terrible sherbet on the generic stop working that lolly

oh god this is what happens when you get Eli stop it I can say without a shadow of a doubt that that's one of the worst

fucking things you've had on the show it's less than it's less than anything yeah it's less than its parts the lollipop is awful it's worse than the lollipops you get like at the Blackpool Pleasure Beach tourist traps.

Tasteless. And the sherbet is just fucking grim. Really tasteless, yeah. Right, next part of this segment. Now, this is actually quite interesting, I thought. I bought these and then regretted it, thinking, oh, thatty, these aren't special. But then I regarded the packaging

and found out something quite interesting. These are called Crawley Crew, and they're basically a little green pot full of sour candies, chalky sour candy. Chalky sour candy. But what makes this interesting is that it says when you've finished with the tub of candies, you can use it to store insects.

You know, like when you were a kid at school and you used to go on school trips to insect hunt. It has a little lid with holes in the top now, so the thing can breathe, and a little kind of lens. Look, it's got a little magnifying glass on the roof. I saw that, yeah. Isn't that kind of cool? It's kind of fun, yeah.

Oh, it's even sealed with a little tin thing. Kind of fun and it's a gimmick but it's a sort of it's a fun gimmick, isn't it? I'm going to be so cross with myself

when I edit this podcast, mate. With who? Me. I'm going to be so angry at me when I edit this. Keep on the mic, Paul, he'll say. Oh, I hate Paul who edits.

He's a bad old man. Paul, I wonder, I know I'm being ultra cynical. We say that's a kind of fun little gimmick for it to be an insect zoo or whatever. A little kiddies insect zoo. Got a little lid to pull it out so you can do it. But how ecologically, with the state, you know, the insect populations are crashing.

Are they? Yeah, like really severely because of the whole biodiversity crisis that we've started. Oh mate, you're bumming me out. But I'm wondering how what the experts would say about how ethical it is

to actually have your kids capture spiders for example. Just for a little bit. Spiders control other populations like aphids and other pets. Or they could say they bring attention to the crisis with these creatures and kids become more aware of the problem because they get involved. I used to do it.

I used to be fascinated with bugs as a child. I remember going to a school trip to a local nature reserve and we'd capture boatmen on the... Whatever they were called. Water boatmen. Water boatmen and put them in a little thing and you'd look at them through a microscope.

I used to have a pail of water like in my basement and you'd get all the little worms living in it and you'd go and look at them all squidgy and about. I'm going to have one of these now. Like bloodworm things,

you know, squidgy squidgies. Oh God. Squidgy bloodworms. The candies are not good. They taste of bones. What the fuck? Oh.

What the fuck? Well, they're very artificially. Don't you think that tastes like bones? Very lemony. But there's a weird kind of chemically... I like. Do you though? Well, they're very artificially. Don't you think that tastes like bones? Very lemony. But there's a weird kind of chemically... I like. Do you, though?

I don't know. There's a weird kind of bony aftertaste. I like it. I like these, yeah. I'm already eating about seven. You are. You've just started chunking them. Mmm.

Oh, I like those. Well, I'm going to use it. I like that style, that chalky style. I mean, I like the chalky style, except when it's a Jim Davidson character. I knew we were both going to go there. Well, alright, so, okay.

I like those. Three. Three for me, but I don't know if you'd want to keep a bug in there. The bug would die, wouldn't it?

No, that's why it's got air holes in it. Would you put a slug in there? It's only momentarily that you use it in there to have the creature. Just have a look at the creature and let the creature go.

Held it up to your eye, but what if it had a pincer that would go right through the end and then stick into your eye? Like that. You'd be like bleeding. The thing would fill up with blood.

And you couldn't get it off. Get it off! I give it three. Like a big creature with a big pincer thing sticking through into your eye. Wrap this up.

Wrap it up. Wrap the pincer creature up. Wrap that creature up. Yes, it might go to sleep and then it might withdraw its pincer from the eye. Calm down, little pincer creature. Calm down.

Yeah, I've got to cut this. Go to sleep now. I've got to cut this all out. No, you're not. You're not going to cut me. You're not going to cut me. I'll fucking cut you. You need,

it's you you're angry with. I've been good. Oh, here we go. Back on the bottle. Yeah. I'd like the taste of those. I want to eat more of those. I want to eat more of those fizzy,

Well, we could do it. After this short break, I'll fuck you up. I'm going to have to start drinking because you really... I need to get on your level. Let's get a fight going. No. And then we'll kiss.

No. And I'll get the fire going. No. You love it. I'm sweating already. Nice. I like them. I like them so they can wriggle away.

Oh, God. Shut up Oh Fuck you know I've got a little bottle now Here Here's to Here's to Here's to what?

What are we celebrating? I don't know Here's to Urine vision Yeah Oh the urine vision Oh we're inventing a drink Shall I tell them about it?

Oh yeah we're going to have A special urine vision cocktail Which is going to be called? You tell them. The Urine Fizz. See? Very good. Very on brand.

And you'll see how that is made. It'll have poo-poo paper in it. Yeah. You'll see how that's... It's going to have poo-poo paper in it. Why don't you tell them all the special secrets? Keep it secret. They want to know about the sizzle on the poo-poo paper.

Well, listen. Look, all I'll say is if you come and tune in when we do it on June 2nd on YouTube, live streaming it, we're doing it on YouTube. Tutankhamun. You'll see how that cocktail is made. Come and tune in.

Make one yourself. It'll be an easy cocktail. It won't be nothing expensive or anything. What did we say? Gin-based. We said gin-based, didn't we? Your envision. Salud.

Are you having the whole thing? We should put an egg in and give it all a shake like a proper Ramos gin fizz. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that takes years. Does it?

It's really hard to get it to stand up. Oh, no, we're not going to do a big, hard, fizzy, foamy one. No. Let's have a cheers. We're having Martel here. Aha. Now, let's wash this down with some cheap drinks. I got a few a while ago now.

I got some of this Tropical Vibes brand. We did the weird kiwi one and a cola one and a cherry one. They were sours, weren't they? They were sours. I have got two other flavours now. These are like soft drinks, but they're still... They're still soft drinks. Very much a Jamaican sort of style of soft drink, isn't it?

This has lemon bits. So this Tropical Vibes is lemonade, it says, but with a grape glow, suggesting there's a grape element to it. Well, it's purple as well. Yeah. Purple. It's got a purple element to it.

It's that colour of grape in America, grape flavour, that purple, isn't it? Yeah. Now, we both like grape. We've been on record as saying we're pro-grape flavour. We're on record saying grape's good. I like those cars, the grape flavour flavor i like really strong artificial grape flavor that's a weird color when you pour it out it looks so fake and weird right no flavor really there is no scent on the nose

there's a lot of artificial grape flavor on the nose no lemon i can't smell shit i can't no i've got it's not very strong's not very strong. There's sort of a... There's a slight lemonade. No, the lemonade is very... It's very... I can just smell the lemon. Lemon-pledgy, isn't it? It's almost very chemical-y.

A little bit, a little bit. That's that, and then the grape is at the back. Well, let's see how this glow goes down. But it's got almost a savoury note, that grape. I mean, that's fine, but it's a bit weak, isn't it? It's weak, but it's forward with the lemonade and there's a little bit of grape on the back end.

That's about the worst one of those I've tasted so far. There's just not a lot going on. But I will say, at least it's not horrible. It's nice. It's not unpleasant. It's not, is it, though?

Now, this I've had before. Oh, you've had this one before? This is the most spunky looking one. Well, this is Tropical Vibes Sour Sop Guana Banana. Not Guana Banana, Guanabana. Guanabana.

Oh yeah, it is. That's the name of the fruit. Sour Sop Guanabana. Guanabana. Guanabana. Guanabana. Guanabana. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. How embarrassing.

Right, okay. So this one does look like spunk. That one looked like purple rain, but this one looks like gooey vein. This one is really spunk. Goo one looked like purple rain. But this one looks like gooey vein. This one is really spot-cloth. Gooey vein, really. Gooey vein! Gooey vein!

So I don't know what to make of this. What is guana bana? Guanabana. What is that? Is that a thing? It's a fruit. And it's sour. It's got bits in. It floats. It's got bits of soursop or guanabana. Elements of floating mystery. Soursop has a tartness and I think guanabana is more of a Oh, soursop or guanabana. Elements of floating mystery. Soursop has a tartness, and I think guanabana is more of a... Oh, soursop's a thing?

Yeah. Sweet and creamy with an erotic, exotic tang. I think the sourness comes from the soursop, hence the name sour. Okay. But I think the creaminess is from the guanabana. Oh, well, we've got to find out how creamy it is. Smells like pineapple and sperm. No, sperm doesn't have a smell.

Mine does, mate. It smells of, like, burst pipes. It's just horrible. Burst pipes, another one of your tropes. What's a burst pipe? Like a sewer pipe. That smells of faecal. That's weird, isn't it?

That's where chocolate's made. That's not milk, milk, lemonade. Yeah, but that's the problem, isn't it? Gum, gum, lemonade, man. My sperm should not smell like a burst sewer pipe. Gum, gum, lemonade, come round here. Chocolate here chocolate's made no i'm not taking that oh come on mate live a little cheer up i do i do live a little what do you think the smell of this it's kind of almost is banana banana i can just smell like a pineapple oh yeah that's it there's a very strong pineapple kind of scent

down the hatch past the gums look out tom here it comes there's a pear note's it. There's a very strong pineapple kind of scent. Down the hatch, past the gums. Look out, Tom, here it comes. There's a pear note. Yes. It's got quite a nice mouthfeel. It's almost like a nectar. Yeah. It's quite thick, basically.

But it's really nice and fresh. I expected that to be a lot sweeter for some reason. It's plenty sweet, but I thought it was going to be... These aren't one of their... Sorry to interrupt, Paul. These aren't the sour range they did, is it? No. This is just normal flavours. Yeah. That grape one wasn't part of the sour range either right no those sour ones

i picked out on purpose yes but these are so these are a little less just fruit juices yeah they're like back in the day you know um oh what was it called i can't fucking remember now let me used to get like loads of fruit juices back in our fuck just juice. Just juice. Just juice. Just juice. Jizz juice. I don't remember having jizz juice. Oh, fucking hell. Listen, I forgot from the last round. We've got one more candy to try. Edible money. It's edible money.

It's called funny money, but it's literally rice paper with fake money written on it. I don't even need to taste this. I'm doing it because I want to eat money. Live the dream. And it's got tens. There's 20. Another 20.

What's the currency 20 I think they're like euros yeah they're euros how much do you want to eat how much money do you want to eat right now just a tenner

you just want to eat a tenner there's a tenner I'm going to eat 20 pounds they're quite rigid I haven't had this in years look at us eating money on cheap show it's just like the bits

that are shit on those UFO sweets we're like KLF aren't we we're just like the bits that are shit on those UFO sweets, isn't it? We're like KLF. Aren't we? We're just like KLF-y, like. Yeah. It's stuck to the top of my mouth. It's a strange idea for a toy.

Not a toy. A strange idea for a candy. It's bullshit. Because there's no real fun in it. You can play with it if you're having a game in Monopoly or something. Yeah, but then you'd be like... You've run out of money. Oh, you've run out of money.

Oh, Bob's eating the fucking 50s so he can't give you your mortgage on Brook Lane. You don't get a mortgage in Monopoly. Do you? I hate that game. I hate that game. Right, so what do you think of paper money food? He's put some more in his mouth, everyone.

I'm an anarchist. I'm an anarchist. I'm an anarchist. Why am I sweating? Down with the king. Oh, now he's got this. Now he's started. Down with the king. Yes, down with the king, Paul.

Boo! You sausage-fingered fuck. Yes. Down with the king. Aren't I edgy, mate? Charlie, Chuckie, fucking, fangy fingers. They're saying that, aren't they? Chuckie, sausage-fingered putty, I'll be funnyucky Funky Funky Fanny. No other podcast saying that, are they? Chucky Saucy Fungy Putty

Hoppy Fanny. My wife and I. Chucky Chucky Chossy Fungy Putty Putty Fanny. Well, at this point in the podcast, you are realising that it's on a downward spiral. We would like to lift it up. Chucky Saucy Fungy Hoppy Fanny. Last segment. Chucky Saucy Fungy. Stop

saying Chucky Saucy Fungy Fanny. Saucy Fungy Hoppy Fanny. I don't want to hear it, mate. No, but Choccy saucy finger fanny. I will glass you. I will smash a glass and carve my name in your forehead if you don't shut up right now. I'm the fanny? Yeah.

I will smash a bottle and ruin your gooch. I'm the fanny saucy fingers. Please stop it. Please. Saucy fingers. I'm losing control, Eli. Saucy fingers. No, it's not. Saucy finger. Choccy Fingers. I'm losing control, Eli. Choccy Fingers. No, it's not.

Choccy Fingy. Oh, Choccy Fingy. Shut up. Fuck me. Choccy Fingy, Choccy Fingy. And now it's time for our last segment

of this segment of the show and then we can end and I can have a lie down. Choccy Fingy. Shut up. Choccy Fingers. Chunky fingers. Last segment. Right.

I'm not going to say that. We're ending on crisps. Oh, it's a reverse. You should have the dessert at the end, but we've had nothing but dessert, and now we're on to the main course. It's been desserts all the way up the pipe, at the end of the pipe crisps we got crunchies x cut by a company called lorenz we've had them on the show before they're huge on the again another middle european based aren't they they do ketchup lorenza their big brand is ketchup yeah uh very popular flavor

i believe overseas it is but it isn't here is it doesn't catch on and you are one of the people who don't won't accept ketchup as a flavour of crisps, will you? I'm not a fan. Why? You're an idiot. This is a flavour profile I don't particularly care for.

It's very good. I don't care. I like it. It doesn't matter if it's good. I don't have to like it if it's good. I'm just saying, you

dismiss it, I think, before you've even given it a go. You're a content thief and a prick, by the way. I'm bringing that up now. That fucking... No one cares.

I'm going to post a picture on my Instagram. Everyone likes it. Everyone likes it. Not your picture, was it? It post a picture on my Instagram. Oh, everyone likes it. Everyone likes it. Not your picture, was it? It got 70 fucking likes or something. You counted them though.

Big deal. A lot of people would be proud of me nicking their photos for Instagram. It matters to me because I took that picture and showed it to you

to go, look what I've been discovering while I've been out and about. of the modern world, my friend. And you stole my content. That's the nature of the modern world, my friend. It's not that you are

a fucking content thief. Finders, keepers, losers, moaners. You got reflected. You didn't even my content. That's the nature of the modern world, my friend. It's not that you are a fucking content thief. Finders, keepers, losers, moaners. You got reflected. You didn't even credit me. That's what got to me. Why would I credit you? Because it was my fucking picture that I saw.

I curate my own Instagram, thank you very much. You're a fucking monster. Why don't you fuck off the TikTok with all the other content zombies? Content zombie, indeed. Content zombie Silverman. Listen.

That's you. I'll steal from anyone no one would it gets more likes that photo on my instagram than it would on yours that's not true no one would give a shit about it on your instagram they're all twats are into retro gaming just put fucking uh my instagram is our cheap show account so now you've just dissed our whole audience well done eli oh what a horrible prick you are just get a fucking knob puppet of Pac-Man and stick it on your... Content, feath, and knob prick lover. Knob prick!

Right. Get some fucking Super Mario tit-tittles. Right. Good stuff, Eli. Crunchy chip sticks, X-cut, this flavour. This flavour. Crunchy dicks, chip dip. Crunchy dicks, tip cut

um charlie sausage finger please we're near the end you had to come back there you had to you had to though Paul hey he's gone back to the booze

I've driven him to the booze these are Lorenz kebab flavoured crinkle cut chips crisps do you want me to say it I can say it it was more about

the build up and you've ruined that now. Yeah, kebab everybody. Because I was going to say, oh, look, and the flavour this week, something unusual, kebab. And then I was going to say to Eli, what do you think is the flavour profile of a kebab crisp? But now I'm not interested in it, am I? Shut up.

So I'm going to move on. You can still ask that question. Eli, how are you? I would say a kebab crisp, what'd be looking for is a sort of amino acid mouthfeel so a sort of mouth coat i am amino acid mouthfeel oh pip pip umami and umami is what i'm looking for okay a sort of salty umami on the front cover it has... And then a lamby flavour. Right. You know, like that lamb fat sort of flavour.

And then some spice. Some low-level chilli. They sang Zoom, didn't they? Huh? They sang Zoom, that. Who did? Lamb fat Larry Band or something. Yes.

On the front cover it has one of those elephant leg things. A doner kebab. What's that called when you have it on the spike? That's the doner. But on the spike it's one of those elephant leg things. A doner kebab. What's that called when you have it on the spike? That's the doner. But on the spike it's called like an elephant's leg or something, isn't it? Some people call it the elephant's leg, yes. Some people call my willy. They call it the caterpillar's eyelash.

Sometimes they call my willy the beacon ball. Do they? The beacon ball because it looks like a little crow's beak on top of a tennis ball. The Beacon Ball. The Beacon Ball. It's good, that. There's pubs named after my dick. The Beacon Ball, then the Miners, then the Ladies Fingers.

Or they call my penis the Loch Ness. Oh, go down the Ladies Fingers to put the Beacon Ball up my pum-pum. They call my penis the Loch Ness Monster, because it's allegedly big, but no one's seen it. Right. On the front cover, it's got onions, garlic, and that elephant's leg. Oh, garlic could be present as well, yes. I'm now going to open it and find out. What do you think it'll be like?

I don't really know. I think it's going to be, like, meaty more than anything else. Well, that's what you'd hope, but I think they're going for the chili and the sauce which isn't actually the taste of the kebab it's a complete combination of all three isn't it but i think the garlic and the chili are going to be stronger flavors than the actual meat what's the nose on it very lamb like would you like to share the hoof i'm interested to get a lamb half on this because i think you deserve the lamb hoof i don't think I've had a lamb flavoured crisp before. I can't think of one. He's getting a huff on.

Yeah. There's a very umami sort of beef stock. Yeah. Sort of consomme, beef consomme. Well. You know what I mean? Now is the time for the true test. And that test is with the mouth.

These are with their little crinkles. Yeah, I like crinkle crisps. They're my favourite kind. These aren't the big ridges. These are the little ones, aren't they? No. They taste like roast chicken flavoured crisinkles. Yeah, I like crinkle crisps. They're my favourite kind. These aren't the big ridges. These are the little ones, aren't they? No. They taste like roast chicken flavour crisps. Yeah.

With a little bit of a spice kick. There's a little bit of spice kick. There's almost a kind of butteriness to them. They're nice. They're very nice. But if you had just said, here's a crisp, and I'd eaten it, I wouldn't have gone, oh, kebab. No way. I probably would have said chicken.

Yeah. In fact, as it rolls around the mouth, it's got a kind of chicken stock feel. Yeah, it's like those roast chicken flavour crisps you used to be able to get with salt and vinegar and cheese and onion. But you don't see those anymore, do you? No. Well, we're going to demolish them after this recording's done. They are very, very Moorish. I like them a lot.

That's a 4.3675 recurring. Very pleasing balance and amplitude there. Well, what a packed podcast this has been, as Eli and I have scarfed our way through all sorts of gummy, chewy, crunchy delights. What's been your favourite? I've got spit everywhere. I think, weirdly, my favourite are the chalky, sour bug pellets.

You mean the spunk? No. Oh, them? Yeah. Have them again. Make sure you're not just going mad. I like them. I like that. I like the chalky delivery. I'm the spunk? No. Oh, them? Yeah. Have them again. Make sure you're not just going mad. I like them. I like that. I like the chalky delivery. I'm not well over by them.

We can have them if you want. Yeah, I'll take mine. I'm having the juicy drops and I'll probably keep the licorice. Yeah, that licorice I didn't... Do you want the wiener? Because I want the spunk, but I can offer you the wiener. I bet Rogan likes the wiener. I'm tired of this now. Does Rogan like the wiener?

Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy this whole box of spunk. No, come on. You can't do that joke again. We need a better out here. Spunk. How about that's out? It comes out. It comes out, doesn't it?

It does come out. It comes out in massive ropes, Eli. Massive ropes. You love that one as well, don't you? He's going to finish his Desperado and he's going to let me finish the show. So thanks for listening, everyone. No, you have to end this segment. We end the show together.

So I'm going to give up and drink the rest of this delicious, cheap what volume of alcohol is it? 8%. Is it 8? It's not. It's 6 or something. It's 6%? Yeah. He's glugging it. Well, I'll join you. Come on, finish this segment.

Be a professional. Okay, thanks for listening. I have gotten out of hand and you can't control me. When I let the show down, it's up to you to save face and you've done nothing but shit the bed this whole episode.

I told you not to say that. Two weeks ago, two weeks in a row, you have now cacked it. You've spread your duvet with dysentery. Oh, come on. You've sprayed your eiderdown

with arsehole brown. What fun. Thanks for listening, everyone. No, you're ending this segment. Okay, that was all the stuff we've tasted. What was your favourite? I told you. Chalky sweets.

Chalky bug sweets. What was your favourite? I told you. Chalky sweets. Chalky bug sweets. What was your favourite? My favourite. The spunk. The spunk. The spunk. As much as I enjoyed the spunk, I actually think the crisps

were my favourite thing today. What was the worst item today? Was it the thumb sherbet? Thumb sherbet. Thumb sherbet. Thumb sherbet sounds like such a euphemism, doesn't it? Thumb sherbet.

I went to the doctor. Why? Well, I've got this problem. He went, what's wrong? It got out of your... You've got a horrible case of thumb sherbet, mate. Oh, it's all I went to the doctor. Why? Well, I've got this problem. He went, what's wrong? I got out of here. You've got a horrible case of thumb sherbet, mate. Oh, it's all coming out underneath the nail. All the nail.

Yeah, it's all moldy. Yeah, goopy moldy. It's all goopy moldy squirty outside the nail bone. Yeah. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Stop apologizing for who you are. Okay? That's what Dr.

The Dr. Simon said to me when he taught me about shitting the bed. He said, accept who you are. Okay? That's what Dr. The Dr. Simon said to me when he taught me about shitting the bed. He said, accept who you are. Accept it. Make a song up about it. And this is why, Paul,

I think it's time for you to make up a song about your issues. All right. Eli. Come to me. Oh, look. Love me with your heart.

Oh, he wants me to love him, everybody. Bring home. No, you really rose to the occasion there, Paul. You really did. Complete me. Complete you. Complete me. What would complete you?

A spoonful of cum. Just a spoonful of jism helps the medicine. We have to end this better. We have to end this better. We can't. We haven't. We have not managed it. We had a moment.

We've lost all energy. There's been no highs. It's all been lows. Well, look, I like Spunk Eli liked the chalky one and oh god and we both like the grist

can we just say nothing to do with Jim Davidson's very racist character nothing to do which he stole from Jimmy James who was just as bad

a fucking bigot they're both a bunch of fucking massive he's still going I was in Yarmouth yeah they're still there they're not being cancelled they're just playing seaside towns around the UK.

Where they get sellout audiences. And Jimmy Carr as well. Yeah. And what's the connection? Mate, Jimmy's. Bad Jimmy's is the connection. Bad Jimmy's. It's from a band.

Bad Jimmy's. Yeah. We've been Bad Jimmy's. Turnflash, stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Right, that's it for Cheap Show this week. We apologise.

Cheers. But Eli's having a little bit of boozy himself now. We're going to relax and in a moment, we're going to listen to those entries from your envision, whittle them down to ten. We'll see you next week. We've got a very special episode next week with some very special guests

Eli's having a reaction to that alcohol the Hennessy really burns social media videos episode guides it's all on our website thecheapshow.co.uk where you can see pictures

that go along with the episodes they're associated with thecheapshow.co.uk and if you'd like to carry on supporting this podcast or would like to support this podcast you can go to

patreon.com forward slash cheap show but with all things like this only give what you can only if you give what you can give what you can but only if you can and we do appreciate it

thanks very much cheers videos behind the scenes things extra podcasts night busing night busing which has been a huge success for us.

And we are already in the planning stage for night bussing too. And I'm going to say this now going forward. Every night bussing episode will be available to all tiers only on Patreon. Thank you. So it's an all tiers podcast as and when we do them. But we do have one planned and it will be in the next few months. Hopefully. Can you say that, Paul?

Sooner rather than later, yes. That's something to look forward to only if you're a Patreon supporter. What else? Yeah, no. We're going to be doing Your Envision on YouTube live streaming that.

Oh, is that new for us? Not Twitch. We're not doing Twitch. We're going to do YouTube. We'll stop drinking it then, you fat-necked prat. So we're going to be doing that on YouTube on,

I think it is June 2nd, the Friday before your revision on the Saturday night. So we're going to do it that Friday. Join us for a very special show and we hope you enjoy it. But up until then, just chill out. We'll see you next week. We've had a great time this week and I'm eating money.

You actually like the taste of it. I absolutely really do. I'm enjoying it. Oh yeah, it is a UFO shit, isn't it? Yeah. I want to wrap the thumb dipper in it, but then I realised... You can't wrap the thumb dipper in it. You know what I mean?

Like pour it out and then make my own UFO. Yeah, but it's not even as good as the sherbet inside the UFO, is it? It's not, and that's why I thought I'm not going to do that anymore.

The sherbet is probably the worst thing. That's easily the worst thing, isn't it? Well, look, I'm going to end by having some more spunk because I enjoyed it so much.

Thank you very much for joining us this week. I've been Paul Gannon. And I've been Eli Silverman. And I have a mouthful of spunk right now. See you next week. Bye, everybody. I'm a witty boy. Bye. you