CheapShow - Ep 333: Three Pauls And A Silverman

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Has Eli finally met his match? Usually, he only has to fend off the annoyances of ONE Paul, but this week, he is up against THREE! Mr Gannon is joined by Paul Rose (Mr Biffo) and returning guest, Paul Putner! The much-loved comedian and actor returns to the CheapShow fray for a bumper Charity Shop Showcase and a Price of Shite with real, terrifying stakes. Over the course of 90 minutes, you’ll hear tales of showbiz woes, listen to what went on with “Knife and Wife”, discuss the secrets of The Bill and drown in a sea of weird “exercise and healthy living” 12-inch LPs. From Slim Goodbody to Sesame Street Live, via tiny toys, classic comedy sketches, Star Wars anecdotes and video game guides… It all leads to a thunderous and fiery climax! It’s going to get rowdy! With Special Thanks to @noiselund for the “Charity Shop Showcase” Theme! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-333-3-pauls-and-a-silverman And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With guests @RealPaulPutner & @mrbiffo Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! URINEVISION 2023 is coming, so catch up with our 2021 episode: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-232-urinevision-2021 MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Economy Comedy Podcast Cheap Show. Eli, how are you feeling? Oh, I'm okay. What's it like being surrounded by Pauls? A wall of Pauls. That's fine. Is it? You're not intimidated?

You'll be Paul 3. No. I'm Paul 1. How dare you for a fucking start? No, you'll be Paul 3 sub, sub Paul. Sub Paul 3? Yes. The Gerry Anderson show I don't remember.

Are you looking forward to some pulled pork later, Eli? And that's the joke of the episode. We'll see you next week. Three-way Paul. We have Paul Gannon. Hello. That's me. We have Paul Rose, often known to people online as Mr. Biffo.

And also returning superhero of comedy, Paul Putner. You can call me Putner. I don't mind. Putner. Well, what I do, I thought I'd help you out. I've got badges. Well, I've got a badge thought I'd help you out. I'd write, I've got badges. Well, I've got a badge. What are you doing?

What are you doing, man? I've got a badge now that has Paul written on it, so now you know which one's me. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's a very visual gag for a podcast, Paul. Yeah, it doesn't work. Do you know how many visual gags we've done on Cheap Show over the years? Many.

Many, many, many, many, many, many. I don't care. I don't care. How many funny ones? Well, there, many. I don't care. How many funny ones? Well, there's the difference, isn't there? Is Paul still a fashionable name? No, I don't like it. I've never liked Paul. It's not off with it.

It's a good biblical name, though, isn't it? So that means they never quite go out of favour. No, well, isn't it originally Saul? And then he changed it to Paul because he went on some road to Madagascar or something. Oh, I know it means small. Yes.

Does it? Yeah. Well, Eli means my God. It means. Does it? Yes. And it's what Jesus said on the cross. He said Eli, Eli, Eli as he died.

He did. Have you not read the Bible? No, I've not read the Bible. Basically, my God, my God, my God. Yeah, as in fucking hell, it's going off. God's coming into me. Ooh, my God. I think you've misinterpreted the Bible.

No, I think you've misinterpreted. He's all bleedy. No, he's not all bleedy. He's all bleedy and he's like, oh. He's on a big, oh. Oh, my God. You're making it sound like he's doing a workout. Have you ever had your hands nailed to a cross?

Not recently, no. It does tend to get the muscles going. Does it? The old triceps or whatever they are. Truce of things. Robics. Anyway, welcome to the show. Cross suit.

That's the one. That's the one. And that's the joke that ends the episode. Ends it? No, yeah. We can't top it. You can go if you want to your little dad's meal. It makes a really good sound. episode. Ends it? No, yeah, we can't top it. You can go if you want to your little dad's meal. I've got this, Paul. Why?

It makes a really good sound. You know what the problem is? You haven't told people what it is that's making a sound. Well, they can

tell, can't they? Screaming pig. This is the most annoying fucking thing you've ever presented to this podcast. Oh, he's landing. It's a plastic plane with Britannia written on the side and a flashing red light for its engine, suggesting flames. It isn't a good sign.

It hasn't stopped. This is a waste of content. No, that's the sound you hear in the summer, isn't it? A mosquito. Which is round your head. Yeah. Is anyone else getting those little black flies in their house at the moment? Little fruit flies?

Yeah. I know why you do. Because you have a lot of weird shit in your house that decomposes and ferments. Right. So basically, Paul, what you're saying is that Paul 2 over here has a dirty house, is what you're saying. That's what you've just accused me of. How dare you? My wife will be very upset with you when she sees you next

and she will slap you silly. If your wife slaps me silly, I might enjoy it. Easy, watch it. I might enjoy it. You might be at the other end of the table. Well, this cold open got hot. This cold open got hot. Let's go to the credits.

I hate you And your fucking noodle posse People love noodles It's just a fact of Cheap Show You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show Off-brand rap Off-brand rap It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheat Show. And a go and a nuzzle. Yes, it's the Comedy Comedy Podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and discount stores of this fair nation and bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. And yes, we have three Pauls for the price of one this week. Three, three Pauls.

Paul Putner, Paul Rose, Paul Gannon and Eli, the stump Silverman. Don't laugh at that. This is like being at fucking school again.

Is it? Yes. They used to call me Penguin. Yeah. What, like Danny DeVito's Penguin? Eli Long Arse. Why Long Arse? Because I had a big sticky out arse. Yeah. What, like Danny DeVito's penguin? Eli Long Arse. Why Long Arse?

I had a big sticky-out arse. And it was long. Long Arse. All right, no, okay. Eddie, what else have you got? I've got Munchkin Fair. Was that PE teachers? I had a nickname at school that I have never told anyone since I've left school,

not even my wife, because I'm so traumatised by it. And I know you're not going to get it out of me, but I hated it so much. Can we have a guess? If you want. No one's ever guessed it. Rumpelstiltskin? Is it something like squash face? Oh, fuck off.

Oh, dear. Maybe I was close there. It wasn't about my physical appearance Oh it wasn't Windy boy Is it something to do with flatulence? There was a little flicker in your eye That had nothing to do with my physical form

Or what it produces No So it must have been based on an incident Because that's what happens I was like making some breadcrumbs once Making some breadcrumbs? Perfectly Legitimately trying to help with the making of the dinner

And I was like Oh the breadcrumbs aren't ready And they all call me breadcrumbs. Perfectly, legitimately trying to help with the making of the dinner. And I was like, oh, the breadcrumbs aren't ready and they all call me breadcrumbs now. It's stupid, isn't it? Who calls you that? The people who were there at present. When?

When would this happen? The other bakers. Do you get kicked out of baking school? No. For failure to make sufficient breadcrumbs? I was a marzipan expert.

Anyway, hello. So, I just, well, we've been trying to get Putner and Biffo in a room together for a while because you once worked on a project together way back when and you haven't seen each other since. So, like, surprise, surprise. 22 years. I tried to bring my one bit.

I want to do the whole Cilla thing. You haven't seen him in 22 years and we're bringing you together. Do you recognise this voice? Hello, Paul Rose. Hello, Paul Putner. This is why we'll never get a pilot off the ground and bring you back.

Surprise, surprise. I think, though, we bumped into each other at a BBC party. Yes, we did. We did. And I was going through a bit of a rough time and you were really lovely to me and I've never forgotten it.

Oh, well, thank you. And the fact that you remembered who I am and was, because I once bumped into Kevin Eldon who was also in the thing we worked on and he didn't have a fucking clue who I was. And then I bumped into you at a party

and it was like, you know. Was that at the Old Bailey? I can't remember where it was, but it was like a BBC talent party. Oh, right. That's what it was. I remember that. Yeah,'t remember where it was, but it was a BBC talent party. That's what it was. I remember there was one where it was at the Old Bailey and all the celebs were queuing up to go in, but it was

like going through security at an airport. It might have been, yeah. And you can just see the sweat pouring off. Quite a few people's faces who just suddenly had to go somewhere Just put a little baggie behind the sink Something like that

Came back with a summer cold My override of memory of that party Was seeing Minty from EastEnders Sitting by himself looking really sad Who's Minty? Cliff Parisi I don't watch EastEnders He's a big shaven-headed geezer

He's in Call of Mid, shaving head geezer. Okay. He's in Call the Midwife. Okay. He plays the news agent. Okay, I don't watch that either. I don't watch Lofty. Minty. I don't know what you want me to say to Minty.

He exists. I wonder how many other people on EastEnders have been called something like that. Well, there's Lofty I can think of. Minty Lofty. Johnny. Willie. Johnny. Bobby. Anyone with a Y on the end of their Minty Lofty. Johnny. Willie. Johnny. Bobby.

Anyone with a Y on the end of their name? Dottie. Dr. Leggy. Yeah. Big Leggy. Philly. Philly, yes. Wellardy.

We're just going to list a load of names with a Y on the end. There was a Rowley. Rowley was the dog. That's it. You see? Ha! No, just because he names one doesn't all of a sudden qualify your argument. I'm just saying

it's something they do on that show. They're trying to manufacture a kind of bonhomie and a sort of, you know, casual friendliness.

It's old Riz, old Vivi. You know? I mean, Roley was a dog. Yeah. It was Riz, doggy.

I don't remember Bruce Forsythe living in Albert Square that would have paid to have seen that oh here comes Brucey he's in the old out of the old

lock up get out of my pub pub get out of my I bet he would have ended up on it who Brucey yeah well he had all the

doctors on there once why not what if he lived forever law of averages if he lived forever? Law of averages. If he lived for an infinite amount of time, he'd eventually appear on EastEnders. Sometimes it felt like he was living forever, though.

Didn't it? Maybe he still is. He did seem fairly eternal, didn't he? But that's because he got into the industry very, very, very, very young. So as a result, like early 20s, he was doing like pre-war. It's the Mighty Atom. That's it. He's Edmonton.

Why was he called the Mighty Atom? Because he was a boy and he was, you know, he did. Full of pep. Yeah, of vim. He was an all-rounder, wasn't he? Yes, he was. That's not something you get these days. Only Atom Decker left.

King of variety. They can sing, you crazy cats. Yeah. But let's get ready to rumble. Yeah. Yes. That's it. Was that the theme tune of Biker Grove?

Let's get ready to rumble. No. It wasn't. No, that was the Cane Was that the theme tune of Biker Grove, Let's Get Ready to Rumble? No. It wasn't. No, that was the Cane Gang's theme tune to Biker Grove. Oh, there we go. Yeah. No, it was their spin-off because they were the characters when they... Ah, they did a bit of covers of the monkeys.

Which one? They did Stepping Stone. Oh, that's a good one. That's one of the... I find their second album, Crazy Cat, a little bit more mature with some better pop riffs on it. I think Stepping Stone

is probably my favourite Monkees tune. Yeah. And the pop video was directed by Mickey Dolan's Out of Interest. Was it? For the Ant and Dec version, yeah. Oh, right. I remember them dressed up as rude boys

on the CD sleeve. Yes, yes. They were very sexy and or cool. And I had a poster. I did have a poster of them on my wall. You know what? We don't need to talk about that what's going on

it's all coming out there what was the project you two worked on then, what was it that you wrote? it was an animation for the Channel 4 Comedy Lab that had it was the first thing that I ever had commissioned for TV and so it was very raw and very

I suppose, this is before biffo vision oh yeah way before oh okay 2001 this was so okay first thing i had actually commissioned as opposed to some bits that i had option and somehow off the back of it i just got like the best cast which a cast that was far better than the script deserved i mean we literally had terry jones from monty Python in it. But as a result of that, he was the first person approached. We were then able to get basically the cast that I wanted so everyone else could go, Terry Jones

is doing it, so everyone said yes. Is that what convinced you to join it because there was a Python in it, not because Biffo was... No, I'll do anything for money. Even a script by Biffo. I do remember, just one of those dream jobs though wasn't it i just sitting in the pub with that lot and terry jones because i'd met terry jones before but it was one of the it was one of those incidences it was in hamley's of quite a few years before i'd say a good eight nine years before and i saw him oh him and thought, oh, my gosh, Terry Jones.

And I went up to him, but he's in Hamleys with his daughter, and I just remember her face just spoke volumes. Just, fuck off. All the time, he can't do anything. This is my day, and he has to talk to a stranger for, no, about ten minutes, but he was very gentlemanly, and I reminded him of that, and he went, oh, a stranger for no other than 10 minutes. But he was very gentlemanly and I reminded him of that and he went, oh, yeah, it was always happening. He was lovely.

I mean, like, genuinely. What was the plot of it again? Oh, I can't even remember. It was 22 years ago. It was knife and wife. Okay. And what does that mean? Well, it was based on, it was i i uh tried to get a few things

off the ground with robert popper at channel four and i think i was getting desperate so i just pitched this two words that rhymed as a title yes yeah no i i'd come up with the characters when i was like 12 30 which was a chicken married to a human woman for some reason though when i ended up adapting it for don't pull that face well adapted it for tv it's sort of biffo confirmed the bestiality well that was the animal farm it was a talking chicken terry jones played knife okay and jessica hines uh they're played wife so uh we had brian murphy for my um although he wasn't there the day you were there brian murphy came to do some adr later on yeah uh you know from georgia mildred and kevin eldon yeah i mean what this is the first thing i had ever done and i just thought

quite a bit starstruck well kind of oddly not. Just kind of, it was more just pinching myself thinking I can't quite believe this is. What I do remember is the late Victor Lewis Smith gave it a glowing review. He did. In the Evening Standard. Wow, because he is quite obviously hard to impress. Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, that's very good. He could be the butcher of King's Reach Tower or wherever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that was, yeah, I know. That was, again, you know, another hero of mine, Victor Lewis Smith, and he gave us a great review. What are you doing? Just a few bubbles.

God, turn off that bloody lady, will you, boy? Geoffrey, don't do that, darling. You'll mark the table. Janine, what is your brother doing here in our house? I told you, just doing some bubbles. I invited Charlton for dinner. Is that a problem? Oh, hey. Do you remember that place you went to for your anniversary? What was it called? The Rest something. Restaurant. That's it.

And remember when I got up on that big spoon and the man shouted at me to get down? So what happened then? Without going too... They just didn't commission it. I mean, I was always, not with the cast at all, but I was always disappointed with my contribution. The animation was great, the cast were brilliant,

but I mean, I didn't know what I was doing, frankly, at that age. Bloody, doesn't time fly? Doesn't it? Yeah. But what is it about UK comedy that we can't kind of do animation shows? Because the only ones we've had, like Stressed Eric was almost successful when that came out. And then the Mr. Hell show with Bob Monk. Crapston Villas.

Crapston Villas. There was Monkey Dust, but that was all a bit kind of blue jammy. Very dark, wasn't it Wasn't there one where a bunch of dead celebrities living in a house together Oh Christ maybe That was a Brit one Dead celebrity big brother house

in heaven or something You know what if that's not been done we need to write that shit down right now Dead celebrity Yeah it was a bit like Stella Street for dead people and it was animated For like Stella Street for dead people when it was animated. For dead people, by dead people. I imagine they're very expensive.

That's what I'm thinking. To do as well. I mean, those comedy labs that Channel 4, I mean, how many series did get commissioned off the back of the... I wonder what the hit rate was

because you do it. I did. I was in about three and they just came and went. It's kind of a shame, though, because I think that, without sounding old man Gannon, that's kind of what's missing, kind of an adult swim for the UK to just kind of roll. I mean, I've said this many times.

Yeah. Yeah, we do. It's a little bit experimental. That's what we've lost in this country. Sorry to be serious, but yeah. Well, Funny or Die was going to be the kind of adult swim, wasn't it? But it just never quite got ahead of

steam. Yeah, I don't know. I don't remember any of the British Funny or Die stuff at all. Probably all panel shows. Oh dear, don't get him started. You know that I've got a bugbear to lay bare? I would love to hear your bugbear to bear. You know, when you read a review of a book or a play,

or usually it's books, and they use the word endlessly, endlessly entertaining or something, or endlessly enthralling. Yeah. No, it's not. Good point well made. No, good point well made. And it would be,

if something actually was endlessly anything, it'd be hellish. It'd be like being in hell. Did you? Endlessly amusing. You're laughing forever. The heat death of the universe. That fucking musical I saw two trillion years ago.

Little tip, Eli. Never watch The NeverEnding Story. You'll be disenfranchised. I'll be pissed off. I had the book of that read to me. By? By a dragon called Atreyu. No.

Did you cry when the horsey died in that? Yeah, no, it was... So you've had it read to you? I had that book read to me. So it's still being read to you through an earpiece? Yes. Was it endlessly entertaining, Eli? It was really good, the original copy,

because it had different coloured text to denote whether you're in the real world or in the book world or whatever, you know. Yeah, because the conceit behind that book, the story in the book, is that the book is always different depending on who reads it, therefore making it never-ending.

Yeah, and then he finds the book and he reads the whole book up to the point in which he's found the book. It's very House of Leaves. Yes, I think House of Leaves nicked that. finds the book and he reads the whole book up to the point in which he finds the book. Yeah. It's very House of Leaves. Yes. I think House of Leaves nicked that. There was a boy

named Bastien. That's right. Bastien, yeah. He's a French author. Michael End. Never End. I'm surprised no one's ever made

that association till now. Listen, we have to crack on with the show. We do have a lot to get through. Later on in the show we are doing A price of shite.

It's Paul versus Paul. And depending on which one of you wins, one of us will do the most terrible forfeit we've ever plotted on this podcast. So you two are safe. Hooray. Right. What are we looking at here? It is a Dorito chip.

Oh. Oh, is it a death? It's a one-chip challenge thing. Is it a one-chip challenge? Oh, Christ. Let's have a look at that. I'm curious about it. Eli, do you want to tell people what it is? Oh, Christ. Let's have a look at it. I'm curious about it. Eli, do you want to tell people what it is?

Because again, it's a visual medium. Devil chips challenge. Step one, get some milk, ice cream, or other food and drink ready. Yeah, we have some milk in the fridge. Remember, you don't film it. It didn't happen. Step three, get ready to feel the burn.

I'm looking forward to this. How long can you last? So you eat it, and then you see how long you can last. I'm just going to say right now, I'm not putting the whole fucking chip in my mouth because I'm not a stupid pranny. Paul, go on. What?

You're not representing me. You're going to eat the whole... You little player. You absolute, you absolute two-faced wimp. No, thanks for the support, Eli. Thank you very much. Well, we're going to try that anyway. So whoever loses, Eli and I will have to eat that chip.

You're going to eat it anyway because your relative wants to see you do it. It's a little bit moot. They're not a relative, Paul. Are they? They are a child of a friend. Dodge. It's so dodgy. Who you introduce as your relative.

But right now, we're going to move into our first segment, and it's the return of the Charity Shop Showcase. And we've even got a theme now for it, and it sounds like this. It is the Charity Shop little, little showcase. It's the one place where you can show your stuff. Come and come and come. Come on, come to the Charity Shop. Open showcase. Check it out.

I'm Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Pavarotti. I'm Jimmy and Pavarotti, Jim Carby. I've got a Jim Carby army. And I've got Pavarotti. It's the Charity Shop. Little, little showcase. It's the one place little, little showcase. It's the one place where you can show your stuff. Charity shop showcase, everybody.

This is the part of the show where we all bring something that we found in a charity shop, regardless of a game or a segment, and just went, this is quite nice, isn't it? Biffo, you're starting. What have you got? I thought I was going to bring something for Price is Shy. No. Oh, I'd have got something more interesting then.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what else I could have told you. Oh, I like that. I mean, Eli, I don't mind it. It's a little goblin thing. Gargoyle is the word you're looking for. Candlestick holder.

Candlestick holder. There's different names for those, aren't there? There's a type which are called gargoyles. And there's, what's the other one? I think it even begins with a G. Gremlins. Goblins. Gelgamesh.

Gazpacho slurper. Geoffrey. You had to soften the G, didn't you? So how much was that? Where did you get it? Two pounds. Well, I'll be honest, I didn't get it. I sent Sonia to go and get it.

I was busy. Does your wife wait your bloody arse for you as well? She said, is there anything you need me to do today? I said, you can go and get something for Price is Shy. She sent me a photo of two things, and it was this or a tin with a beefeater on it. Oh, you should have gone with a beefeater tin, frankly. She got both, but I bought this because I liked how it feels.

It feels nice. It looks nice and tactile. It's got that weird thing where it feels soft but isn't. Do you know what I mean? Let's pass it around. He's got his tongue out like a proper gargoyle. That's true, yeah. Or goffrey.

That's real nice. Imagine having that as the Toys R Us logo. There you go. You'll get ones which have, I think, gargoyles are the ones which have water. They have a spout to get water off, like a drainage. Oh, okay. And then the ones of the other type are called grotesques.

Ah. So that's a grotesque. There's no water coming out of it. I mean, yes, I guess it will be a grotesque. You're right. What if you put water in the hole at the top? It might come out around its tongue. You could make it like a bird bath for very small birds,

couldn't you? Yeah, hummingbirds. Yeah. You could drill a hole in like that and then just have the water come out the mouth. I mean, there are ways to adapt it into a gargle. You could make that as a codpiece thing. Do you want that as a codpiece, do you?

Looks like Baphomet codpiece. That'd be good. That'd impress them. Yeah. Hey, baby. Come and see the biggest cock Baph ever met. Sorry. No, that didn't really work.

But I mean, come on. I pulled the effort. Good try. There you go. It's a lovely little thing. Do you like it? You're going to take it over and put a candle in it. Or you're going to wear it as a copy.

It's quite simian looking, isn't it? Yeah, it's quite ape-like with wings. And it's got horns. I mean, you can have it if you want it, Paul, but... No, you have it in your house with all your other candles. Because, you know, you're a house of candles, aren't you, kind of family? A bit.

You've got, like, salt rocks and scent sticks. I don't care about it. That's not me. I don't care about all that shit. You've been indoctrinated into it. That's the thing. The problem with all that New Age stuff as well is it's in a big Venn diagram

and it's mixing with Nazis now. Oh, don't say that. Are you calling Biffo's wife a Nazi? No, I'm not. Absolutely not. There's no one to be slapped around by. You're calling her a Nazi. I wasn't.

I didn't say that. That's what you inferred. It's not very funny, is it? I'm just saying that it's somehow unsanitary in the Rose House. I didn't say that either. You said... I've said nothing, mate. You said their house is filthy with a bunch of candles.

You said that. Now I'm just waiting on Paul II to say something about it, and he's never met us. No, no. I couldn't possibly comment. He's a gent, whereas I wouldn't mind being smacked around.

Right. What does a gargoyle do? Is it meant to protect it? I don't know what gargoyles are meant to do. You put them on a church and then... I don't know why churches

have ugly creatures on the outside of them. That's a good point. So the devil can't get in. Yeah, probably, isn't it? I don't know. Have you ever seen that one where someone designed it in 1980

where it's the alien head from Alien? Yes, yes. And it was really tucked away, wasn't it? But someone else did a Gremlins one, 1984 Gremlins one, so there's like Spike. Oh, grotesque. A grotesque, yeah. There's lots of ones of them taking a shit

and having an erection and stuff, aren't there? Are there? Yes, on medieval cathedrals, because the builders got so bored shit and having an erection and stuff, aren't there? Are there? Yes, on medieval cathedrals. Because the builders got so bored. They stuck an erection on things? Yeah, they're like, God, I've been working on my whole life. Because they took like 100 years to build the cathedrals. Yeah.

Like, you'd spend your whole living days working on some corner of a big church. You'd think, ah, I'll do someone taking a shit. I had dirty senses of humour back then. There was a lot of that in kind of manuscripts and things. There were a lot of cock and shit. I remember when I went to a school, we had to go to church in primary school, and I remember in the vestry of our church,

it had this cutting, like three-dimensional of, I had this cutting, three-dimensional, of, I don't know, St George or whatever, over this cowering Satan, bright red. And I remember asking during one of the assemblies, how is the devil allowed to be in the church? Oh, did they have an answer? They said, well, it's just a representation. I said, no, no, it's the devil. He's in the church. Did they have an answer? It's just a representation. No, no, it's the devil.

He's in the church. You were locked in. Next day the thing's quietly taken out of the church. We'd never thought about it before. It's kind of a fucking loophole in our faith. From the back door. I'm going to rate your charity shop showcase

out of five for no real reason. I'm going to give that... No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Mate. No. What do you mean, no? You can't just introduce the binariness to the show,

the inshittification of cheap show. Here, this is going to be a binary now. This is going to be a binary now. And then, no, I'm just going to go out five. After you've made it... Don't throw my hat on the floor and my plane. Yeah, well, that'll teach you for giving me lip. I have full control over you.

It's either a charity shop showcase. It's a showcase. Well done. It was a nice showcase. What's the alternative if it was a bad one? Bad showcase. A showcase or has no place. Thank you.

I actually don't remember that. There's the catch phrase. Flays? There's your catch phrase.ays. There's your clutch-flays. Teeth in, everybody. Teeth in. Blatch. Right, Mr Putner, what have you got for us? Well, I generally only buy records.

Really? I do buy the odd tat now and again. I've seen your Twitter feed of what you found in charity shops, and sometimes I think you're dealing with the devil yourself because you find some amazing things there. Well. We sometimes visit the same kind of places

and these pass me by. Oh, there's the devil on these chips as well. Yeah. They must be devilishly hard. And wait, this is episode 333. No, it isn't. Is it? Yeah, this is episode 333.

Fucking hell! Halfway to 666. Yeah. Yeah, well, P is upside down They look like sixes Yeah They look like D's Turn upside down

And turn back D for the devil And you've got a grotesque Eli you're getting Sacrifice today mate We're going to Sacrifice Sacrifice

Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice Sacrifice

Give him the old The old brass Buffalo whatever it's called The brass bull Brass buffalo The brass bull. The brass buffalo. The brass bull, where we stick you in a bull and warm it up under a stove. Is that what they did to people?

That was a thing, yeah. It was a medieval torture method. They'd just heat up this brass bull. With you in it. Yeah. And then when you'd scream, they had the mouthpiece of the bull, and so your screams would come out

the mouthpiece of the bull. Like that. But isn't it of the bull. Like that. Isn't it the story goes that the guy who invented it was demonstrating it and the king said, oh, well, you get in then. And he actually was by his own hand. I did not know that.

That's great because that makes it look like the worst ever episode of Dragon's Den. That's like the guy who invented the Segway. He died, didn't he? No, he didn't invent it. Some guy bought the name and the brand of Segway and the first thing he did once he bought it was to drive it right off a cliff.

Thanks for clarifying. Facts are important. In this day of fake news, it's very important we get the facts across. It's infernally hot in here as well, I've just realised. Can't wait for you to eat that chip. Yeah, it's going to get bad. Putner, sorry, go on.

Right, now, how many of these things do we have to bring in? Just one. It's just the one. So whatever you think is most... A load of exercise albums. Yeah. I've seen an Angela Rippon one in my time. Oh, that looks like a good one. So, but the one I like the best. Yeah. I've seen an Angela Rippon one in my time. Oh, that looks like a good one.

So, but the one I like the best. Yeah. Out of these. Well, I've got, yeah, Canadian home fitness test. Which is hilarious. That's specific. Slim good body. Oh, that's horrific.

That looks horrible. That looks like a Kevin MacDonald character. I saw one of those suits advertised. It's an anatomy skin suit. Yeah, $4,000 that cost him. And that was back in 1975. With free full-colour activity poster and lyric sheet. Oh.

Is it gatefold or Or is it just... No. Slim Goodbody. He... I can tell you who he was. I think his name was Thomas Bernstein. You mean it wasn't his real name? No.

We'll just have to get into the business of exercise. What else are you going to do? Oh, yeah. Full... Look at that. Look at Mr. Goodbody. Esophagus, food tube. Yeah, I've got his name written down somewhere.

Now, there was a Simpsons episode where they obviously parodied that. Do you remember that? With Mr. Body. No, it wasn't The Simpsons. Sorry, I tell a lie. It was Wondershows. Yes, yes, Mr. Body. John Burstein.

Okay. The superhero of health. Oh. He used to work on the floating hospitals in New York. They were on the Hudson, I believe, these vessels, and would sort of entertain the children in this bizarre costume, which, to describe to the listener, it's like a lycra anatomy. It looks like he's a naked man almost, isn't it? But it's like a lycra anatomy it looks like he's a naked man almost isn't it but it's a visible

man it's like that scene from uh the hollow man when kevin bacon's all going all visible and he's like that for a bit i'll tell you what the lyrics on the back of this song on the all for these songs are all a bit troubling go on then it's got it's got a song called ocean of emotion and it goes sometimes i'm feeling happy and then something makes me sad. I cry a bit and have a fit and wind up feeling bad. Tears of sorrow bathe my cheeks when I'm sad and on my own, but after tears of laughter

when I'm with friends at home. That's quite amazing. Can we listen to a bit? Yeah. Put on track one of side B. It's called, it's quite short as well. It's called The Large and Lonely... Oh, no, sorry. I've got my reading glasses.

The Large and Lovely Liver. A drinker's lament. So is this something you specifically collect, Paul, or is it...? Well, I just collect loads of different types of odd things in the record section. There's a yogi bear. Wake up, America. That's Ramble On by Led Zeppelin.

I'm into this. This is good. It's the wrong side. I'm sure it's the same chords as Ramble On by Zeppelin. Very similar. Scratch an itch with your helping hand And what would music be like without your hands Everybody pick up a guitar and do some strumming

Do some strumming, Paul, come on. And in rock and roll we use our hands And play the bass and do drumming I put the wrong side on That's not what you'd expect it to sound like. No. Very sort of folky. Hey, come on, everybody.

Come on, get around. All right. Let's do it now. I'm here to tell the story of your living laboratory. Is your large and lovely liver A complex chemical plant Your liver will produce

Mild juice, yes it will And when you have had to duck It will spill So this is more of a health advice record than a workout record. Yeah, that one's a workout record advice record than a workout record. Yeah. That one's a workout record. That's a workout record. I kind of love this.

This is great. Yeah, I'm into that. Yeah. There's a Canadian home fitness test, and on the back it's got a Canadian athlete running with a Canadian flag. Are they obsessed with how it's Canada in Canada? I mean, I'm guessing so. They never shut up about Canada.

The word you're looking for is patriotism. It's not the word I'm looking for. We've just had a whole week of that shit in this country. Didn't you recognise it? Are they obsessed with Britain and Britain? They're not. All those fucking flags up all over the place. There was that time I was totally pissed on a bus and I couldn't stand up.

There was that time. And I asked someone to help me to tell me when we got to Kilburn and he said, remember a Canadian helped you. He wanted to know. He wanted me to just remember the nationality of the person who'd helped me. What, should the time come to rise up, remember a Canadian helped you? I don't know why, yeah. I did remember.

You did because you showed it to us here today. But there was also a Canadian who lived with my friends in Kilburn. He was a total prick, man. There you go. He was terrible. Nice balance. And when he left, he tried to sell them the mattress that was on the bed in his room, right?

And they were like, no, we don't want to buy the mattress. So he literally got the mattress, went all the way down several flights of stairs, put it outside, and then they went and got it and took it back in. Wanker he was. Was his name Maple Syrup Moose? Max. He did talk like a cartoon dog.

Maple Max. Yeah. He's like, hi, everybody. Does anyone want to buy my mattress? Good. No, thanks for the mattress anecdote. One of your best. I really like that album.

I like all of those. I would like to hear the rest of it as well. What was the Yogi Bear one? Oh, yeah. The Yogi Bear one. There was another one, the Yogi Bear one. Do some press-ups, Boo Boo. Yeah.

Wake up, America. Oh, it is? It's time for Physical Fitness. Boo Boo. Starring Chuck McGann. Was he the guy who did the original voice for it? No, no. It's terrible.

Just some guy. Yeah. I mean, music's not too bad, but it's just, yeah, it's not the original voice for it. No, no, it's terrible. Just some guy. Yeah, I mean, music's not too bad, but it's just, yeah, it's not the original. Is, Paul, you might know this, is it named, or is the character named after Logie Baird

who invented the television? Yeah, I always used to think when I was a kid, I'd hear Logie Baird and we'd all laugh. I thought it might have been something to do with an American president.

Wasn't there a president who they used to... Called Yogi Bear. Well, no, who liked to hunt bears. Teddy Wilson. Maybe. Woodrow Wilson. Teddy Woodrow Wilson, yeah. Maybe it's him. Wasn't there someone called Yogi Bearer?

There was. Isn't there? Yeah, there is. So it must be on that. Isn't there a kind of fruit you can do while exercising called Yoga Berry? Eh? Isn't there a... You need to stop, man what isn't there a you need to you need to stop isn't there a nice type of you do while exercising what do you do with this yoga berry you balance it on your nose it's a yoga berry you stand there or you're doing the pray to dog thing or whatever it is

salutation to the dog yeah pray to dog oh here's another uh conundrum. Yeah. Did the name Boo-Boo, did that come before when you say, oh, I've made a Boo-Boo? Oh. So is it making a mistake like Boo-Boo would in the Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo show? So what came first, the phrase or the name of the bear before? Yeah. Well, if you're listening

at home and you know, well done. Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself or comment below. I want to know where the origin of the phrase gone for a Burton comes from.

As in what, like Richard Burton? Falling over. Elizabeth Taylor. Coin that. Who? Elizabeth Taylor. Because she went for a Burton.

Who? I've never heard of her. I missed what you were saying because he kept on saying Burton over and over. Burton. Burton? Can I use a yoga berry if I'm like, you know,

doing some belly rolls or something? Yes. Good. What colour is it? Can you put a pin in the yoga bear stuff, please? Yogi bear. Yoga bear. Yoga bear.

Yoga bear. Yogurt bear. Yogurt bear! I've got some yogurt. Don't care. Stop taking it on time. Right, it's time for... Well, thank you for your lovely albums.

I thought we're going to throw in our one now because we've got our own charity shop showcase for you. Paul, you need to say whether Paul won's... It's a showcase. It's a showcase for me. It's an outstanding showcase. I wish we had more time to dedicate it to it, but it's a fantastic showcase and thank you very much. No, it's a pleasure.

Beautiful. I'm going to keep an eye out because I like getting those exercise ones. I saw an Angela Rippon one. I saw a Lionel Blair one recently. And I kind of just, you know, kind of, uh. But then maybe I want to hear Angela Rippon tell me what to do with my body. There is one more. Oh, yeah, go on. It's the Judy Mazzell Life in the Slim Lane.

Now, this is a particular curiosity to me. I mean, she's the author of the Beverly Hills Diet, which was a real popular thing in the early lane. Now, this is a particular curiosity to me. She's the author of the Beverly Hills Diet, which was a real popular thing in the early 80s. Now, this probably won't mean anything to you, but there's a track on it. Yeah. It's just so strange to me. There's a track on this album called Insult to Injury,

where she gets Mickey Fitz from the eye behind the business. To sing on it. Weird. I mean, the late Mickey Fitz. The lady on the cover appears to be carrying what seems to be a Fabergé pineapple. Pineapples were known as a thing of luxury back in the day. That's why so many buildings have them. That's very luxurious. Yeah. You telling me about the pineapples were known as a thing of luxury Back in the day That's why so many buildings have them

That's very luxurious You're telling me about the pineapples They were a thing of luxury back in the day Were they on buildings or anything like that? I don't know In fact, there's four of them on St Paul's Surrounding the dome Which itself is pineapple shaped

Semi Chopped one in half. Shaped like a semi. It was everything I ate after I decided, well, I might as well really blow it. Hang on. Blow it. I was adding insult to injury.

Oh, there we go. Oh, that slaps. Why is he on this record? What's going on? I don't know. Because he would think... Was his group more towards the commercial end of Oi? They weren't right wing, but they were tough nuts. OK.

Yeah. They were anti-establishment. Beautiful poster in this as well. It's gold. That's really nice, that poster. It's a weak plan, it's a diet plan, isn't it? In the shape of a pineapple. She's obsessed with him.

Well, there we go. He may have been anti-establishment, but he took a paycheck there, didn't he? Yeah, there's nothing online, no information about it. Nothing at all on that album? No, it says that thanks to Mickey Fitz and the business

for insult to injury. Yeah. But I just looked up, you know, because Mickey Fitz, he didn't die that long ago. There's a Facebook page from about 2016, and there's no mention of it there. There's no mention of it in the Wikipedia. So I'd just love to know how they got together.

How this woman... Maybe it was some kind of Scientology thing where he was really into that movement she was having going on and he thought it was all positive and wanted to help out with the album because he was so behind the message. Very strange because she's very show busy and sort of... And she's very show-busy. And Oi was very much not like that.

Not at all. Street music, working class. They just both like pineapples. That's what I was thinking. It was all about the pineapples. We did it all for the pineapple. Right. There's this record that turns up in charity shops all the time, which is like a seven,

which is the K-Fit. And it came with um an exerciser oh those bands that you stretch and something like that the spring the record is always there in the box it's one of those perennial charity shop the k fit exercise record we've done it covered it on the show yeah can i show our charity shop challenge uh charity shop thing off this is i found this in a crouch end End charity shop the other day. It is Sesame Street Live, a vinyl album

with Sesame Street cast. This is the early cast, right? The original OG cast, I'd imagine. Yes. Doing the show live for kids. Is that... Oh, it's gatefold. Oh, it folds right.

It's what they call a quadfold. And that's the Sesame Street sign. It's cut out and pops out, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but that's not torn off. I know, it's incredible. That's what I was saying. It's great, Nick. To find that, and it's a children's record, what's more.

Yeah. Anything like that is usually just broken. Be careful you don't break it now, Paul. I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best. It was meant to have a poster from a very famous... It's not scribbled on. No.

It's the vinyls in Good Nick. Yeah. The incredibly complicated cut-out quad gatefold thing. Is it actually live? Do you hear the crowd? Yeah, it's live. It's a real find. I'll show you a clip now. Because it's quite rare, and I thought, oh, how much does that go for on eBay? And it was like, you know, between

$4 and $15. I got that for three. Oh, did you? In very good condition. Shall i play the cookie monster one yes although i like the arms one that was good there's some wicked tracks on this by the way it's really good sesame street i mean their music was always great anyway i mean you know it still is to this day they're really really good singers and yes uh they're just uh it's my favorite kids tv of all time are, I mean, when they say live, it really has an energy, this Red Bulls.

It does, yeah. Yeah, it's up there with live in Leeds. Yeah, it is. It's the Cookie Monster. Yeah, yeah, I become do my thing. Hi, boys and girls. Me sing about my favorite letter of alphabet. Hey, Cookie, I thought your thing was eating cookies,

not teaching the alphabet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, me got whole bag of cookies here that me going to eat. Yeah. But first, me going to sing about my favorite letter of alphabet, the letter C. And first, me sing. Everybody sing, okay?

C is for Cookie, that good enough for me. C is for Cookie, that good enough for me. Yeah, C is for Cookie, that good enough for me. Oh, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie,

Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie cookie stop with C The kids are fucking going off on one. Yeah. He goes for it at the end. He eats a bunch of cookies and he absolutely goes crazy for his cookies. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy That song makes me so hungry Me cookies Jesus Christ, he's eating the kids. He's attacking the kids.

He's gone into a rage. There's an actual edge of derangement in Cookie Monster's voice there. There is. Yeah, and probably throat nodules. Yeah, well, what a lovely collection of sounds we've listened to today. Did you know, Paul, that's still going, that show? In a new form, yeah. It's not exactly that, because, you know,

most of the cast being dead and things. It wouldn't be, would it? It would be terrible if you just dragged on. That's not what I'm saying. I wasn't suggesting that. Obviously, I wasn't suggesting that, was I? You were. You literally suggested it was the exact same show. I at all i that's what i heard you're being

difficult when i was a child i went to see a show called there was a sequel the following year but show called bugs bunny meets the superheroes it was basically all the looney tunes characters with batman live show a live show at wembley arena batman, Wonder Woman, Robin, all of them in a big adventure with all the Looney Tunes characters. And the following year they did a follow-up, but in space. And I went to both. And how was it? Do you remember loving it? Loved it. Songs? Songs, yeah.

There were songs, and one of them I think had a storyline was about, I think it was Porcupine's birthday, and he had his birthday cake stolen by the Joker. What a crossover! That's the kind of crossover I want to see on the big screen. I haven't imagined this. I've looked it up. It's a real thing.

I wonder if there's an album of that released at some point. Because that seems to be a thing that happened. You'd go on a live show and go it's bang, a live album for the kids. Anyway, what a lovely selection. And that's this week's Charity Shop Showcase. No, is it? No. Yes, is our one good? Should we vote on it?

Is it a showcase or has it got no place? It's a showcase. Let's go to all the pools. Oh, God. Well, I vote it does have a place, just for Cookie Monster's bloodlust at the end. Partner? What, that?

What we just listened to? Yes. Oh, absolutely. Do you think it deserves a place in the showcase? I think it absolutely unequivocably. See, everyone doesn't care. Next segment.

Eli. Paul. It's the fucking price of shake. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's that fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. And that's right.

We've got a lovely edition of Price of Shite this week. Putner versus Rose in a battle to heat death. But there's a bit of a twist on this. Rather than just handing out points and stuff, I have got five items, right? Five items, and they've all got locked in prices. Some are £1, some are £2, and some are £3.

All I'm going to ask you to do is group the items, whether they go into the £1, the £2, or the £3 pile, based on what you think their price is. It's like run around, but for tat. It's like tat, run around, tat around. What are you doing, you ferrety twat? What are you doing over there? What are you doing?

Why did you have to get up? To get the foot to right down. I've got it all. Don't get involved now. You've had your eight years you've had a chance to get involved in this podcast. Eight years. Don't start getting involved now. You've had your eight years. You've had a chance to get involved in this podcast. Eight years. Don't start getting involved now.

Right. So five items. I'm going to show you them all. At the end of the day, I just want you to tell me which, how many of those items go in the three pound pile. How many in the two? How many in the one? It could be all of them in the three.

Could be none of them in the one. It's all up to you. But whoever loses has to eat this thing. But you two won't have to eat it. It'll be me. Which of you is representing who? Well, I reckon... Eli, you pick.

Who do you want to represent? Yeah, because you know I always lose. Doesn't matter. I'm eating the chip anyway. Spoiler alert. Yeah, spoiler alert. All right, in that case, Biffo, I'll be eating if you lose today. Right.

I reckon that gargoyle is two pounds. Yeah, because he said it was two pounds. Do I get two for twoyle is two pounds. Yeah, because he said it was two pounds. Do I get two swings for that? Yes. Wait, did I say it was two pounds? Yes, you did. We've all played the price of shite anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

Thank God for that. I'd have got something more. You all got more interesting things. Yeah, because that was the segment, and I told you in the post the same one that Putnam was in. I've been busy. I didn't read it properly. I'm busy.

They need some aircon. I'm busier. No, you're not busier I've got a family You don't have a family It's all in your mind What a great comeback Yeah brilliant

He's been brilliant He has a great family I've been to his house No one exists It's filthy house It's just him and a mop With a wig on the top It's filthy full of wax house

With my far right Nazi wife Yeah Who likes to slap boys around For cake Now listen to me What? Listen to me.

Do you have to be in this podcast every week? Yes. God. What was I going to say? Good. Well, thank you. Let's start the game. Actually, the sun's over the yard.

I've got some beer here. Hey. Oh. Hey. Yes, as well. Here we go. All right, then. I'll have one.

Oh, yeah. Eli's not allowed because he's driving. I'm not driving. You are. You're driving me crazy. What? Oh, thank you. And they're cold as well, Paul All right, then. I'll have one. Oh, yeah. Eli's not allowed because he's driving. I'm not driving. You are. You're driving me crazy. What, what? Oh, thank you, Paul. And they're cold as well, Paul.

Cheers, everyone. How do you keep them cold? Oh, lovely stuff. Well, now it's game time. Game on. Yeah. Sit down. A one-pint can.

I'm going to chain you to your chair in a minute. Is that a pint can? Yeah. That's good, isn't it? You might need it in about five it. That's a good point. We might need it soon. That is quite refreshing. What a refreshing drink. What's that called again?

It's a drink. Here's the first item. It is a bag. Eli, would you like to pass it around? It's a bag of dollhouse miniatures. Some nice pieces in here. There's some nice pieces in there. Oh, okay. So we've got a bath Some nice pieces in there. Oh, okay.

So we've got a bath. You have a bath in there, yeah. What I believe is called a range. A mangle. Yeah. A sink. All small things for a dollhouse. Is that a pianola?

A toilet. When you get your own place, you can move in and use those, can't you? Yeah, because I'm such a small person. Yeah, you are because you live in a little dollhouse, don't you? Oh, there you go. It's funny, the only thing that's not in proportion with the rest of me is my penis, which is much smaller.

Much, much smaller. Oh, that's cute. Yeah, I just saw this at a charity shop and thought, I want that. Are they porcelain, those toilet items? I don't think so, because they often are with a doll's house. Is it a bidet? Very continental. I'll have a bit of that. I chipped my tooth the other day. On a bidet?

Yeah, on a bidet. I was just chewing a bidet. I like the sound. You listen. They've got good weights in them. ASMR. Did you get it at that place in Archway? No, this was bought in a St. Luke's in Pinner.

That St. Luke's is a gold mine of stuff. Is that the big one? Yeah. It's quite large, isn't it? Quite large. Two big rooms, good stuff. A little bit pricey, I sometimes find there. So I'm glad you told me.

I find that, yeah. I wonder if Elton John donated these. Do you think maybe? Keeps them under his hairpiece. He has them next to his tiny dancer. His tiny dancer has a bunch of tiny things. See what I did there? Every now and then I can conceptually make something humorous.

Paul, throw my hat. Have you heard of that game? No, I've never heard of throw the hat. It's a game and it comes with a little trebuchet, a little catapult thing and these little hat things and it's got a board with all these holes in it and you try and get the hat in. I'll let you finish the sentence just so it's easy for me to cut that out.

A miniature trebuchet? Yeah. Oh, you know it, Paul. I know what a trebuchet is. Can we stop saying trebuchet, please? I want a doll's house now just so I can attack it with a trebuchet is. Can we stop saying trebuchet, please? I want a doll's house now, just so I can attack it with a trebuchet. Paul, now we need to play the game.

No, I'm going to show all five items first, and then we're going to go through it, all right? Do you have any further questions on my bag of mini things? I want to see if it's porcelain. What gauge is it? Oh, yeah. Give it a bite. It seems like quite a high gauge.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's a little porcelain sink. It's not the kitchen sink, though, unfortunately. You can wash your balls in it a bite. It seems like quite a high gauge. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's a little porcelain sink. It's not the kitchen sink, though, unfortunately. You can wash your balls in it, though. Oh, yeah, it's literally got everything in but the kitchen sink. There you go. It's got a nice stove and a bath and a toilet. I could probably just about dunk one nad in that.

Your cherry nads. All right. What about this bathtub? Could you get both in there? No. You need quite a long, thin nad for that. You could get one sink either side and put your dingus in the middle.

Oh, yeah! There you go. Yeah! Toilet nut. Toilet. Yeah, bowl either side. Dish, dish, doink. What's that sound like?

Can I have one of these afterwards, please? You know, Paul Putner's worked with some of the finest comedy minds of this generation, and you're sitting there trying to put your balls into a dollhouse miniature set. One of them's sitting here right now.

What's the next item, Paul? God. Sober recollection of one's career. Right, next. Oh, okay. This is something that I thought

Biffo might like. Got it. Oh, it's a book called Star Wars Graphics and it's the history of Star Wars via... What do you call these things? Oh, that's taking the fuel out of your... Infographics.

Infographics, yeah. Yeah, my daughter got me out for Christmas a couple of years ago. Oh, that's punctured the fuel tank on your... I saw your face just sort of sag. Yeah. Oh, that's age. That's punctured the force field on your spaceship.

Oh, that's... Oh, that's let out the atmosphere on your small moon. I've actually got two copies of it. Is there an updated one, I'd imagine, with the new trilogy? Yeah, I've got... It was originally released in a larger format, larger scale, and then re-released in that slightly smaller kind of digest.

It's a cute book, but after you kind of flip through it once, it's not really a book you go back to, is it? That is the trouble with it, yeah. I got another one a couple of years ago called Star Wars Lists. It's a thick book, but it's a very quick read. I wonder what the point of these books is, other than to give people a kind of instant guide to the universe.

Christmas presents. Toilet entertainment. They're all outside my toilet. yeah toilet entertainment yeah they're all yeah entertainment

I quite like those Haynes manuals you get for Daleks and Millennium Falcon I've got Ecto-11 yeah but it's you just

all you need is the front of the book really isn't it that's the gag that is all of it isn't it there's at least some effect made with that

you can stick that on the shelf behind you I'm going to donate it to the Waterstones back set that we've got here. There's no point in me flitting through. I've got it.

But it has got a little bit of some sort of stain on it. I added that myself just now in excitement just for you. A little bit of chipping but you know.

There you go. There's your second item. A Star Wars book. But Star Wars is one of those things if you even remotely like cinema or science fiction you'll get a Star Wars-related item for Christmas.

Well, could you imagine, though, my surprise a couple of Christmases ago when I opened a Star Wars book to find Paul Putner in it? I hadn't realised you were in Rogue One until that moment. Well, I'm not in Rogue One. You're Milton Putner. What we discussed last time. Yeah, that's true. Did you even get an action figure?

You must have got an action figure, though, because everyone does. No. What they do is they stick you in this kind of like an orb of cameras and lights where they take pictures of you from every single angle. Now, presumably this is for CGI, but also it's for action figures as well, apparently.

Oh, a catch-all. Get you in. Do you have to sign your likeness away, though, when you do that thing? I don't know, really. I presume you might have, otherwise they can't turn you into it. Maybe you didn't sign it, that's why you didn't get an action figure. But wasn't that you that got bonked on the head by K2SO? I've looked at someone sent me it to sign,

and I thought, well, that isn't even me. It was my stunt double. Unless there's been a re-release of a Blu-ray or something, my scenes are not in the film. But you're in the book, though. I know I'm in the book. But you don't get royalties for being in a book, do you? That's the problem.

I don't believe you do. Hollywood, it's a tale as old as time. It's the business. Yeah, it's the business as old as time. It is. It's the business. Yeah. It's the business. Don't worry, Paul. You'll be dead soon. Anyway, next item. Next item. Now, these are two items with one price. It is Kenneth Williams

in extracts from the two successful reviews, Pieces of Eight and One Over the Eight. So his reviews he did at the West End, written by Peter Cook. And then the next track is Oh You Are Awful But I Like You by Dick Emery.

Oh. Oh you are awful but I like you. Come on and do the conga, listen to my songa. You can sing alonga, dance the night away. Come on and do the conga, rhythm's getting stronger. Don't wait any longer, dance the night away. I met her at a party, she looked cool and naughty, eating apple tarty, combing up her hair. I thought I might attack her, while spraying on her lacquer, I took a Christmas cracker, said grab a hold of this.

Oh, you are awful, but I like you. Because it's a stone cold novelty classic. I've got a question for you slightly older people here. Dick Emery, was he an actual homosexual man? No. No, so it's pure. What the hell? What?

Why do you think we, all the men of our generation, the generation that is, what, ten years older than you? Not even that old. He's not that much older than you. All right, well, I'm first generation. Of what? Idiots. British.

You're the first generation of British. I'm first generation British. Or you're thousands generation of British. I'm first generation British. You're thousands of years old. I'm first generation British. That's what it means, Paul. It means what it means. My parents were not born in this fair isle. That's what first generation means.

Oh, I see. You are from the isle. Dick Emery had a gay act, essentially. You know that? Yeah. Honky-tonk and all of that. Oh, no. You are awful and I like it.

Yeah, but that was a female character. Oh is it? Oh, it's more of a female impersonation. Yeah, yeah. I see,

sorry. I mean, he was a sort of fruity vicar, kind of. Yeah, he played all different. He played a skinhead

with broken hair, didn't he? Oh yeah. I think I've done it all with Cain Day. That's it. He was basically Harry Enfield back in the day.

Same kind of sketches, character based catchphrases, get in, get out. Well, that record's not very good. The Kenneth Williams is excellent. Well, yeah, I was going to say. Pinto on there? Yeah, and the Peter Cook sketches are brilliant as well. He was excellent.

The first sketch on there called Hands Up Sticks or whatever it's called is pretty great, typical Peter Cook material. Well, they say, the Cook fanatics, that this is his best stuff. Oh, really? He was doing, even pre-Pete and Dud. Hands up, this is a hold up. This is a hold up. Hands up.

Hold up your hands. This is a stick up. Stick up your hands. This is a hold up. Give me the money. Oh, I must get that right. Give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick up. Give me the money. Hands up, this is a stick up. Give me the money. Oh, I must get that right. Give me the money. Hands up.

This is a stick up. Give me the money. Hands up. This is a stick up. Give me the money. Hands up. This is a stick up. Give me the money.

Oh, yes, that's it. Hands up. This is a stick up. Give me the money. Hands up. This is a stick up. Give me the money. Hands up.

This is a stick up. Give me the money. That's it. Hold hands. This is an up stick. And with your sticks, this is a hand tool. I beg your pardon? I mean, this is an up stick. And with your sticks, this is a hand tool. I beg your pardon? I mean, this is a stick up.

A hold stick. A hold stick? I mean, a hand stick. Oh, I see. You mean this is a hold up. Yes, that's right. It's a hold up, yes. Up with your hands and give me your money.

How? What do you mean, how? How do I give you the money? With my hands? Well, you put your hands up and give me the money with my hands well you put your hands up and give me them no you give me the money and then put your hand oh i don't know work it out for yourself but give me the money yeah because he was writing all this specifically for kenneth williams for his stage review shows off the back of a success of doing beyond the fringe

and they when you listen to them now you can easily easily see Pete and Dud doing these on a stage with their long masks. Yes, but it does fit Kenneth Williams' style. The rambling Kenneth Williams kind of monologue. The cook style of writing fits with Williams so well, I find. It's weird, though, considering their careers would very much diverge in terms of audiences and tone. But they kind of came up together, didn't they? The same sort of era of, you know,

it's like these days, it's, you know, everyone in comedy sort of knows everyone else in comedy. True, but with Kenneth Williams, I think he always saw himself as an actor more than a comedian. But he was slamming it in the Carry On films. I mean, if you ever read his diaries, he just, he hated it.

I like how every chapter goes, I'm never doing one of them again, next chapter. Or they've just signed me on for Carry On Jack. And you think, all right, fair play. Yeah, yeah. Had a bark, please. Oh, yes. But yeah, but Peter Cook,

he ended up in Supergirl, didn't he? And that was pretty much the end of his career. He ended up in quite a lot. That's why he hated Dudley Moore so much. Well, not hated him, but resented his Hollywood career because all of a sudden they saw Dudley Moore as a sex symbol

because he ogles Bo Derek in 10. And apparently that was enough to be... And Peter Cook always resented it. You know, have you ever seen him in Whoops Apocalypse? He was good in that. Yeah, yes, that's true. Was that after... I think that was after Supergirl, wasn't it?

No, early. It's early 80s. Supergirl was 86. Oh, really? Okay. So unless it's the film or the sitcom, I'm pretty sure the sitcom was early 80s. But we listened to that the other day

and I was really impressed. Very funny still. The only one we didn't listen to was the Harry, Harry Enfield, Christ, the Harold Pinter one, just because we were skimming through it. Okay. And then what was the B-side Dance Dance,

which is an awful, awful disco hit. Wherever you may be, I am the Lord of the dancing people. And the answer to your question is apparently a bit of a Lothario. Dick Emery. Really? He likes his dancing girls. Right, next item.

Just a quick one. Video game guide for Super Mario, Super Paper Mario for the Wii. There's not much to talk about with this, but I actually bought it for myself because I'm replaying it right now. And I only got about this far in, so now I want to finish it. You bought it for the Wii, did you? Yeah. Aren't they going to re-release it for myself because I'm replaying it right now. And I only got about this far in, so now I want to finish it. You bought it for the Wii, did you? Yeah. Aren't they going to re-release

it for the Switch? Do you still have your Wii? Yeah. I've got my Wii, my Wii U. I've got all my Nintendos. GameCube. I've got all my Nintendos, mate. Good. Are you worried about that? I'm not worried. I saw one of those Wii exercise boards lying

forlornly on the pavement down Holloway Road. And you just think, when would it have been? 2006? 2005, 2006. Yeah, they would have been, please let me have an exercise set. Please, please let me have it. Cut to, chuck that bloody old thing in. Cut that thing that's taken up space behind the bedroom door out the way.

Funny enough, I got my far-right wife a... Can we call her that from now on? My far-right wifey. I do that on our podcast anyway. I always make this joke that she's a white nationalist. Oh! I got her a switch ring

fit for Christmas. I haven't even opened it. I was thinking of getting that for myself, a switch ring fit for Christmas. Oh, yeah. I haven't even opened it. I was thinking of getting that for myself, the switch ring. I haven't opened it. What ring does it... It's a ring.

You can use it for different... It's a stretchy thing, but also you can use it as a hoop. You can hoop it and dance with it and stuff. It's meant to encourage exercise and weight loss, but I don't know anyone who's gotten that out of it. You need that slim good buggy.

The reason why I got this was simply down to the fact that these are kind of a dying breed. They don't really make these anymore because the internet exists. But back in the day, you'd probably buy your game and this at the same time. And now it's all YouTube testimonials and whatnot, isn't it? But that's the next item anyway.

Not as exciting, but that's the one. And finally, the bill. The first ten years. Book. The bill's excellent. Do you know who wrote that piece of music? No. It was Andy Landscape, Einstein-a-go-go, Pask.

Really? Yeah. Huh. Andy Landscape Einsteiner Go-Go Pask really yeah huh and it's actually a library library records track it's a KPM track

called Overkill so people used it in other things or is it now too tied into the brill to be used elsewhere it's like the

Great Hill Alan Chew bless you what he did Pixie what's that thing on the Two Ronnies where He did Pixie What's that thing On the two Ronnies

Where they're Pixie Malone Oh yeah Charlie Farley You remember the music for that The sort of cop show music But this guy Alan Tew

And that was another Library piece Because that was the music He originally did for A mini series Called The Hanged Man Like a crime Espionage

Did you ever see that? I know there's a Great album I've got the album Yeah Brilliant album It's the same theme The Hanged Man, like a crime espionage. Did you ever see that? I know there's a great album. I've got the album, yeah. Brilliant album. It's the same theme as they used on Pixie Fixie and Barley Malone. It's a book. Ten tough years at Sun Hill.

The history of the bill as told by your favourite characters. The Nick. What life is really like inside Sun Hill Police Station. Behind the scenes making of an episode from development to transmission. And the star profiles. Remember, he was a dishy one. He was.

He was the dishy one. What I liked about the bill was the horizontal storytelling style. What? Horizontal storytelling. Well, it would just be a bunch of

sort of unrelated incidents with different people in the station were going through. That's horizontal, is it? I've never heard that phrase. As opposed to vertical,

yeah. They would have, the writer's pack would tell you the thing. Everything must always be from a police officer's staff member's perspective. Right. That's why you very rarely saw crimes being committed. It was always them turning up. Arriving on the scene. Yeah, yeah.

So it's always from a police person's perspective. Yes, but it had this kind of weird, like I say, a horizontal way of going along, which was refreshing. It's very unlike a soap. Almost the opposite way of telling a story to a soap. And yet it tried to take on that for a while. Well, it began to become a soap. Yeah, and that's when it loses it for me.

Wiki says, well, the internet says you were in the bill. I was in the bill several times. Were you a victim or a criminal? I was a bystander, for one. I had to give some evidence. Then I was a PC Klein's witness protection officer for a week. That was quite a few episodes. I liked doing that.

And then I was, I had to chase John Judd, who's in the film Scum, down the road. I think, or did the runner? I can't remember. And then when WPC Chase John Judd, who's in the film Scum, down the road. I think. Oh, did the runner? I can't remember. And then when WPC Martella gets killed. Oh, yeah. I provide the voice of the motorcyclist who's in hot pursuit.

Oh, cool. It's so funny. In your head, do you rationalize that as all the same characters? You know, kind of come up with a backstory that links them. Hang on. Wait. So you're saying there's like a Putner-Bill universe kind of thing? Yeah, that's what I...

The cinematic Bill Putner universe. That's what I'll do. Yeah. Well, it was an actor called Rennie Zagat. He played PC Klein, who had to give evidence against this guy called Dennis... Oh, he was a proper villain, gangland boss. And then I have to, yeah, take him out of Sun Hill and that's the end of that character.

Then I met the actor who played this Dennis Weaver, that was the name, so it's like the actor who played McLeod. And I said, so what happened to your gangland character? He said, oh, I stuck around for about another year and then they killed my character off. So I said, so effectively, PC around for about another year and then they killed my character off. So I said, so effectively,

PC Klein can come back to Sun Hill. Right. I said, Renny Zaga will get his job back. And he went, no mate, everyone's forgotten him now. Wow.

And that's the thing. And so you leave it for a year. If you're not, you're just forgotten. Unless you're one of the kind of proper main, top tier character. All right, quick thing.

There's a thing in this book here that says teach yourself Bill speak. I'm going to give you a phrase and you've got to tell me what you think it means. Okay. So if I said to you all he is a button mob, what would you think button mob means? Receptionists. Telephone exchange operators. No. Gangsters. Organised crime group that trade in fasteners. No.

Close, though. Go on. Have you got one? It's the misspelt lyrics for Peter Davison's theme. Button moon. No, these are uniform... Button Mob is what they call uniform officers. As referred by the CIA.

They wear a bow after Button Mob. Can I just say one word? Yeah. Madrillion. Madrillion? A Madness and Merillion crossover. Oh. Yeah.

My mum once bought me... I mean, I loved Madness when I was growing up. They were the first band that I was into. But Merillion were the band that I got into later. My mum bought me a load of Madness merch at Wembley Market once because she knew that the band I liked began with M. That's fine. I still put the Mammy Madness patch on my jacket.

Yeah, you did as well. All right. Okay. If I said to you, oh, have it on your toes, what would I be saying for you to do? Get going. Scarpa. Scarpa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A jack you look. A tomato ketchup. All right. Fine. If you want to do that with it, that's fine. All right. One last one there. If I said to you, that was a FATAC, what would you say?

A what? A FATAC. F-A-T-A-C. One word. FATAC, yeah. It's an acronym, surely. That was a FATAC. I'm here with this FATAC. Fire and train arson conceit. Someone who's been beaten up by an obese person.

Dear me. Fat attack. To think you're a writer. No, do you know? What? Fat attack. Fat attack. It's a contraction of two words.

Fat attack. Fat attack. Fat shaming. I already said that. Fat attack. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm overweight and I'm a plagiarist. Well, aren't we all?

Let me pronounce it slightly differently then. Fatac. How about Fatac? Fatac? Fatal heart attack. Oh, I'm going to give you the point. It's fatal accident. Fatal accident on the Jasmine Allen estate.

Screw. That is a prison guard. Yeah. No, it says here. Yeah, because I thought that as well. But apparently it's a verb and it means to break into houses. Screw a house. I read this book recently by Ted Lewis, writer of

Get Carter, and they say that he stole the manuscript off McVicar. Do you remember McVicar, who was that criminal? Yeah. So they say that he saw that manuscript because it's very much like the McVicar story. It's called Billy Rags.

It's a prison break sort of thriller. But it's got lots of Cockney rhyming slang from that era, mid-70s. And he talks about a burglary being a tickle or, you know, a heist as a tickle. And I was just wondering what on earth is the derivation? Of a heist. And also, if you shit yourself, you macaroni your trousers. What's that all about?

Macaroni cheese, squeeze. Yeah, macaroni pit shit. Pony and trap. Macaroni pony, pony and trap. All of a sudden, you've become a 3-2-1 puzzle. Just trying to sort out. Oh, I've rigatoned me kegs.

A tickle. Anyway, there are your five items. The Bill book, the Super Mario, the Star Wars book, the two singles, two items,

one price, and the miniatures. We have three slots for them to go. So, some of these items are worth three pounds, some are worth two,

some are worth one. I'm going to start with Biffo. Three, two, one. Yes. What do you think? Okay, so let's go through.

The Bill. Three pound, two pound, or one pound? One pound. The Wii book. This isn't going to work, Biffo. 3, 2, 1. Yes. What do you think? Okay, so let's go through. The bill. £3, £2 or £1? £1. The Wii book. This isn't going to work, by the way. Shut up, Eli. The Wii Super Mario book. What do you think? £1. You can't, because then he's going to put it in different piles, isn't he? You're not going to have any record of it.

He's going to write it down. He's got a notebook. You've got a notebook. What's going on? This is like being in a police interrogation for the bill. Now, listen. Listen, I know it was you on that tickle. Don't macaroni your trousers. Button mold, button mold. Biffo, miniature miniatures.

£3, £2 or what? £3. Dole's House Accoutrement. The records. The two records. £2. Finally, the Star Wars book. £2.

£2 for the book. The Will and the Wee book. The Bill records. Two pounds. Finally, the Star Wars book. Two pounds. Two pounds for the book. The Will and the Wee book. The Bill and the Wee book. The Bill and the Wee book. Wibble, weeble, weeble. Will and the Bee. Sounds like a 70s animation, doesn't it? Theme tune sung by Peter Davison, funnily enough.

So, the Bill and the Wee book, one pound. The Minis, three pound. The Vinyl, two pound. And the Star Wars book was £2. Sounds about right. Right, okay. Mr. Putner, what do you think? The Bill book, where do you think that is?

£3, £2, £1? £2. Oh, so Bill is two. The Wii book, the Super Mario Guide, £1, £2 or £3? £1. £1 for the Wii book. Mind you, he's popular again, isn't he, Super Mario? He's always popular. He's always

been a popular chap. When did you buy it? Only last week. Muscle Hill Charity Shop. £1. £1? You staying with that? Yeah. So now the Dollhouse Miniatures. £3. £3 for the minis. The vinyl. The two vinyl singles. £1, £2, £3?

£3. And finally, the Star Wars graphics book? £2. So you say the Bill book is £2, the Wii book is £1, the minis were £3, the vinyl was £3, and the Star Wars book is £2. Biffo says the Bill and the Wii book is £1. I'm going through it again. I'm just catching

up my brain. Right, here's the answers. The Bill book was £3. What? So no one gets a point for that. Was that the place in Pinner? That was Crouch End book. Quite pricey up there.

Yeah, quite pricey up there. So no points there. The Mario book, that was £2 as well. That was, yeah, £2. So no one gets a point there. Zero, zero, zero, zero. No one gets a point there. Oh, dear. The Star Wars book, £2. So no one gets a point there. Zero, zero, zero, zero. No one gets a point there. Oh, dear.

The Star Wars book. £2 it was. So who gets that? Oh, Putner gets a point. One point for Putner. Putner gets a point. I said two. So do I.

So Biffo, they're drawing. You both get a point for having that correctly guessed. I'm taking it down. Don't you worry. The vinyl. The actual price was, it was a quid. 50p for both. I got that wrong.

You did get that wrong. So no one gets a point there. I thought they were 150p. So it all comes down to these minis. Oh dear. Oh dear. So the minis were two pound and you both said three. So it stands as a draw.

It's a draw. Well then that's worked out nicely. Because we both have to eat this bloody chip, don't we? Oh, no. So can you get the milk? Because I need to explain once more to our listening faithful what the dillio is. And the dillio is that because we both lost, we have to eat one of these, which is a stupidly hot one chip challenge thing.

I'm not looking forward to this. And also, you've got to put the powder in your eyes. In the bottom of the sachet. Rub your fingers, rub your eyes, put the powder in your eyes. In the bottom of the sachet. Rub your fingers, rub your eyes, rub it out of your eyes. I don't really want to put it in my mouth. Yeah, but then I really would wash my hands. Oh, yeah. Because if you forget...

We're going to have to wash our hands after this, because otherwise... Touch your weenus. Have you got a timer ready? Why, what do we have to do for a timer? You have to wait five minutes before you have milk. Why do you have to wait five minutes? Do it properly, Paul.

You lost on my behalf. Do it properly. We drew. You drew. You're such a wiener. I'm not a wiener. I'm sorry if I don't like the idea of a million Scoville fucking heated chip going in my mouth right now. Actually, apparently these are 2.2 million. Ha ha. It's going to get a bit hotter in here,

isn't it? It is. They're already sweating these two. Right, are you ready? Go on. You're only going to

have a little piece and I'm going to eat the whole thing, Paul. I'm not putting the whole thing in my mouth. I'm going to bite the end off one.

And there's yogurt here. You never do eating challenges. He never does it, does he? No, he doesn't. He's on digi. He's never done it.

Just be, step up for one... The whole thing in your mouth. Yes. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Here,

he's our special guest and he's insisting. Yeah, and you're insulting him with your reticence. Yes. Don't be reticent round our guests.

Right, I've had enough of your reticence. Will you stop going on about reticence, please? Your endless reticence. Okay, I'm opening up my chip. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Does it have a bad smell? Does it make your nose tingle immediately? It really does. Can I have a little sniff? Yeah, sniff it. Pass it. Oh, God, it's already up my nose and it hurts! Why do I have to do the whole chip?

It's got a funky smell. Do you want to have a smell, Paul? No. All right, here it is. I'm to do the whole chip? It's got a funky smell. Do you want to have a smell, Paul? No. All right, here it is. I'm just showing the video. It is a... Here they are. Is that devil actually on the chip?

No. No. It's stuck to the outside. How did you open it? Just tore it. Just tore it across the top. Just take a bite and then tear it. I'm not...

You're going to put the whole thing in your mouth anyway. Does it matter if you bite it now? I'm not biting it! How many beers have you got in there? we're doing the chip oh the chips have you got a timer are you just eating a small part of the edge of the podcast have you eaten anything yet no but i'm reacting to it. Wow. Timer starts now. You ready? Go.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I think, from what I gather, it's the fact that it keeps going and doesn't. These initial stages are nothing. Oh, no. Eli's already beading with sweat. Paul is hunched over.

I've eaten it down. I've got it all down. Eli's eaten it down. Oh, God. Paul's making a big song and dance of it. All right, five minutes from now. Describe what you're feeling, Paul. It's just like someone's jabbing my tongue

with a big, hot, spiky, hot thing. I've got to do five minutes. We're not doing five minutes of this. I am in fire. How long have I got? How long have I got? Eli appears to be milking two invisible cows. How long have I got?

Oh, God. Four more minutes of this. Eli's red in the face. Paul, upper lip is wet. I'm going to pounce this on. Wetness under the eyes. Oh, God. I've never eaten anything that hot in my life.

Eli's eyes are watering. They look like they're at a very sad funeral. That's so much pain in my mouth. Okay. Eli genuinely doesn't look well. Oh, my God, now I've just hit the state of Paul. Oh, my God, Paul. Oh, they're both really... Oh, God.

Your poor anuses. Oh, no, that's really bad. Oh, no, it's tomorrow. That's actually really bad. It's tomorrow. Oh, that's really hurt. This is... This is one minute 20 so far.

There's three minutes 20 so far. This is putting Einstein's theory of relativity, isn't it? I can't do it. I'm not going to do five minutes. This is a lovely beer, Paul. I really enjoyed this beer. I'm not going to do five minutes. No, I'm in so much pain now.

I'm in so much pain right now. I'm in too much pain, mate. Eli, literally, for those who can't see this. I think my sweat is on fire. We're going to give up now. Eli has tears pouring down his face. I think we much pain right now. Eli literally for those who can't see this. Are we going to give up? We're going to give up now. Eli has tears pouring down his face. I'm giving up now. Paul is about to... I'm having some milk.

He's wiping his face, blowing his nose. I'm going to have some milk now. You can't have milk. You can't do it. That's not the challenge. Come on, there's only 2 minutes 16 seconds. No, sorry, two minutes, 45. Jesus. I'm riding this through. I can't, I can't. The pain is too much.

The pain in my mouth is too much. This is all right. It's not that bad. No, it's really bad. He's holding his arms around. Eli's still wiggling his fingers. I can't do it. I can't do this.

I can't do this. Eli's eyes are bright red. I can't actually do this. I actually can't do this. Eli's spattered with sweat. I can't. Oh, but you are doing it. You are.

I can't do it. Come on, Eli. I can't do it. Come on, keep going. How long have I got? How long have I got? Come out. I'm actually spattered with sweat. I can't. Oh, but you are doing it. You are. I can't do it. Come on, Eli. Come on, keep going. How long have I got? How long have I got? Look, Gannon is outlasting you. Don't be defeated by Gannon. I know he's only had half.

I'm giving in. I have to go. I'm giving in. What are you doing? Is he off? Oh, you're fucking stinking. Eli's in a bad way. Eli's in a bad way.

Eli's convulsing. He's convulsing. He's having the milk. He's giving in. He's giving in. No, you don't win because you had a quarter. You absolutely squirted your face. Paul Gannon has only eaten the tiny bit of his. I had a half of that.

I had the whole thing. and I left me more pain. Eli is a real boy. What do you mean he's a real boy? Oh, knob off, Dad. Half a lemon triangle. Yeah, Paul, you barely nibbled it. I didn't. I had a big half of that.

I saw how much. I bet you there's more than half left. There's more than half left. There's more than half left. I don't give a shit. Okay, it's triangular. It's triangular. The point tapers. Do you want to have some?

The point tapers, so it's not half. Do you want to have some? No, I don't. I've got gastritis, thank you very much. I might have a bit of IBIS. So there we go. Oh, Eli, I've never seen you so emotional. It doesn't stop.

It doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. That's what I want to tell you. I said... Can we end this whole show forever now, please? It doesn't stop. The plane doesn't stop. Chilly intolerant. That's what you are.

Spoon me some yoghurt, please. What do you mean spoon you some yoghurt? Just knock Nicky back. That yoghurt pot looks a lot like a chicken and mushroom pot noodle. They've gone. Oh, no, Paulie, you are quite sweaty. My eyes are on fire. I think my sweat's got some of that powder in.

Oh, my fucking God, I've never been in so much pain in my fucking life. Oh, Jesus Christ. Right, well, a fully successful segment, I think you'll find. Oh, God, it's hurting, still hurting. Can we wrap this up now, mate? a fully successful segment I think you'll find oh god it's hurting still hurting can we can we can we wrap this up now mate

I think you should always should open the show with this every episode toilet go to the toilet and get some tissues I hope you're leaving

all of this in the podcast yes it's all stay in the skid stay in the picture where's my toilet roll Paul's gone off now. Finish it off. Fight fire with fire.

I can't, that is so, I can't even tell you what the wall of heat that that is. Is it heat? Is it, or just pain?

It's not painful like a stabbing heat, but it's like, it's like you've put your head into an oven and it's just roasting in there. And there's like a sparkle spicy.

Eli's just returned from wherever he wanted off to for another swig of yogurt. I'm going to wipe my face up and then we're going to come back and wrap this bastard up because we are done. We are done with today's content, mate. I have to keep the milk in your mouth. I have to keep the milk in your mouth.

You're bringing me bread as well. Bread's meant to be good. You could soak the bread in the milk and dab your mouth. We're coming back after this. Right, we're back in the room, and that was Cheap Show episode 333. I'm in so much agony, and my nose is on fire, and my tongue hurts, and my eyes are sweating fire. I haven't had a goot of milk in my mouth in a long time.

As the bishop said to the choir boy. What, the bishop? What? Why would he say that to a choir boy. What, the bishop? What? Why would he say that to a choir boy? Because he's lactose intolerant or something, all right? I have to keep... He's lactose... Is it endlessly horrible?

Like this podcast. No, you're right. It's a fair review. It's a fair review. Right, well, that's Cheap Show for this week. If you want anything, like if you want videos and links to our merch, social media, an episode guide,

it's all on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. If you want to support this podcast, and if you are willing to do so, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. As we like to say, give what you can, but only if you can. And we're on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is...

Eli is... He is. And you're on Vision, coming on the 2nd of June, live on YouTube, a live stream show with all your favourite characters and more, as we rank 10 of the weirdest songs we've ever been sent to our podcast. Mr Biffo, how can people find you on the internet,

should they want to? Just go to www.harrowarts.com and buy tickets to DigiLive, at which Paul and Eli will be there. It's going to be a big old, big old, fun old show, isn't it? Paul Putner, you're welcome to come and be a guest. Right, and Paul Putner's going to be there, as of now. The whole of Reddit sighs.

Yay! But look, I am there, but Paul and Eli are. And I'll be making them do horrible things. Brilliant. The whole of Reddit sighs. Yay! But look, I am there, but Paul and Eli are. And I'll be making them do horrible things. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. And Paul Putner now. Great, great. Yeah, what a lovely time you'll have. Come and join us.

What date are those? February. No? Why did I say February? I don't know. July the 28th and 29th. Paul, can you do any of either of those dates? I think I'm at a college reunion of 40 years.

Then Paul Putner's no longer coming to Digi Live this year. Cancelled. Cancelled. Cancelled. But we'll get you on Digi eventually. Digi Live, come and see it, please. And Mr. Putner, where can people find you on the social medias, should they want to?

If they want to listen to my inane brain farts, I'm on Twitter, realpaulpatter at thing.com or whatever it is. That'll do. Right, and that's the end of this week's episode. Three Pauls, one Eli and a lot of hot sauce.

I'll never forgive you. What do you mean? It was your idea to do this. You didn't do the proper thing. I'm in more pain now. Do you see my face? Do you see I do not have... I also have the same amount

of misery going through me right now. You're not in the same amount of pain. I am in very much the same amount of pain, mate. At least 45% of the chip's still in the pack, and you try and claim you're in the same amount of pain. Fuck you. I am in the same amount of pain.

No, fuck you. I'm in more pain. You're a lying prick. We started off talking about nicknames, and from this point onwards, henceforth, you are known as Tip Nibbler. Yes. Tip Nibbler Gannon.

Mr. Biffo, I actually really like that name and I'm going to put it on all future job applications. Paul, Tip Nibbler Gannon coming at you in 2024. I'm actually quite worried that I'm going to have to drink milk for the rest of my life. Constantly, to stop the pain. Every time I swallow it, the pain comes back.

I am leaking an old... You're not getting pain though. Mouth pain. I am. It's on fire. I can't, the pain comes back. I am leaking an awful orifice. You're not getting pain, though. Mouth pain. I am. I can't stand the pain, Paul. I can't stand the pain in my mouth. As the bishop said to the choir boy. Right, that's it.

Take care. See you next week. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. you