CheapShow - Ep 340: Death To CheapShow!

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

It’s a tough week at CheapShow HQ this week and both Paul and Eli are feeling creatively bankrupt. After 340 episodes, they’re worried the end is nigh, but until that day, they will battle on with gusto. To hell with their dignity! There is a Sauce Report and Price of Shite segment to struggle through, and the selection is a proper troubling collection of foul goop and truly odd charity shop curios. It’s going to test whatever is left of the cheap chaps and leave them ruined by the end. To make matters worse, there are dark, evil plans afoot. Somebody is concocting a wicked scheme and they can’t wait to put the final nail in the coffin of the world’s best economy comedy podcast. Is this the end? Or is the start of a new beginning? Or is it the same old audio nonsense? You decide! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-340-death-to-cheapshow And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap show we are in an endless death loop wait can we start cold open can we start again so you're not saying hello welcome to cheap show as i'm having a moan of discontent in the background i want to you know leave that out can we start just you are literally just elongating the death spiral of the cold open as a concept i think we're witnessing it now paul we're witnessing is this it Paul. We're witnessing... Is this it? We should just go in. You should just play the fucking theme tune and then we go,

hello, it's Cheap Show. What's coming up? Some shit no one cares about. Oh, I'm going to say cunt and spunk. Spidge. Figging. Mate, you've broken the code. Fidging.

You've broken the code of Cheap Show. I've broken the code. I've hacked the code. You've pulled the threads. All the fabric's fallen apart.ap Show. I've broken the code. I've hacked the code. You've pulled the threads. All the fabric's fallen apart. Cheap Show is over. Is it? I'm done.

Oh, he's walking out. No. That's it. Because of the fake walkout tradition, you couldn't actually ever walk out. We've got nothing new to do. It's just troping. What's this all about?

Every week. It's just the same. I say joff off. He says jizzle. I say brod off. He says jizzle. I do this. You do that. Blim, blom, blop.

Blop arse. Oh, there's a character called Jimmy Jim Jam Jom Jim. Something like that, isn't it? Hello, I'm Jimmy Jim Jam Jim Jam Jom Jim. See, it's all this shit every week. Every fucking week. It's the same. It's a bit repetitive. I'm bored of it.

I'm bored of this. I'm bored of you. I'm bored. I. I'm bored of you. I'm bored. It is boring. This is a boring episode. You're boring. I hate you Eli Silverman. Immediate projection. You saw the psychological moment, ladies and gentlemen, where he thought

I hate myself and then he immediately pushed it out. Pushed it out on me like a big display of explosive diarrhea from a primitive being. No, mate. In a tall tree. See what I mean?

Same old, the same old, innit? Oh, well. I expressed my dominance through a spray off. Bum spray. Oh, come on, mate. This is a real struggle this week to get going, everyone. Just so everyone knows. I'm jumping up and down on the branch whilst it's slick with my own fucking bum.

I've got nothing. I can't help you. You're on your own, everyone. It's Eli Silverman's Mad Mouth Hour. Uncensored. It's arrived. Oh, garbage, garbage, garbage. You know what, God?

No. I'm only going to make this the guard open because we've got nothing else. Is there anyone here in this hotel? Don't go ding, ding. Ding, ding. Hello, service. Hello, I'm Jimmy Jim. I'm Jim Jim.

Oh, nice to see you again. Jim Jim, I'm leaving. I'm Jim Amina. This is nice to see you again. I'm leaving. I'm Jim Amina. This is my son, Jimmy Jam. Right. If you're a new listener and you've gotten this far and you're wondering what's going on because you were recommended this podcast

and you've tried it out and this happens to be the first thing you hear of the podcast, A, I'm sorry, and B, this is what you're going to get. Breakfast is at 8pm sharp. He's crazy, everyone. He's Bing Bang Bongo. What's for breakfast?

Bean casserole. This is it. Flick the beans. We have fucked this show, Eli. Let's just get going. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite

Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. My name is Paul Michael Gannon. I'm E. And with me, as always, is...

Are you going to sort that out? What? Do that again, it was good, I liked it. Just do that whole thing again. Alright, I'll do it. I'm going to leave this bit in. No, don't leave this bit in. All right, I won't.

I promise. Wink. Wink. And with me as always is my good friend. Hello, everyone. It's Eli Jacob Silverman. Paul. Yes.

Little thing from last week. Yeah. They all loved that story I told. So I thought we could, moving forward, you know, because there's been so much interest in my story personally

my personal story, the story of Eli Silverman, resident supertaster and his feats of daring do, abroad and at home, and I've had a lot of feedback from the audience about this Paul, one tweet, and I think we should now going forward

always have a story from my life at the end of the episode. Oh, here we go then. No, do it now. What do you want? I want a story from your life. Tell me a story. I'll give you a topic.

Eggs. I got nothing. No. Have you got a great story about eggs? I opened an egg when I was hungover and it had... The horror had gone bad. Have you ever had it?

It's like fish. It smells of a fishy old duck pond. And you've almost, you want to vomit. I wanted to vomit there on the fucking, and I was hungover. Oh, I've got a spongy cheek on the, oh, oh, the smell of yesterday. Right, I'm just going to go ahead and say right now

that this is nowhere near as good as your James Bond story. Oh. And I would argue that going forward with this segment would be unwise and hazardous to your personal health. I think so, Paul, as well. But, you know. No one ever wants to know about my life. They do. No, they don't.

No one ever goes, oh, what happened in your youth, Paul? Because Eli goes on and on and on about, Daddy took him to the park. I never say Daddy took me to... This is where I all growed up. All this kind of shit. Just because we're based in the city in which I grew up, Paul. Yeah, but I have a history here. I've lived in London now longer than I ever lived up north.

Okay, now, Paul... No, you leave your phone alone, you shit. We're recording. It shouldn't even be on. I need to turn it off. Well, go on then. You've got 10 seconds. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You're fired. Get out.

Get out. You're fired. Get out. All right. I'll get Biffo in. Oh, fucking hell. You've been wanting to do that for years anyway.

I'll take my personal stories and launch my own platform. We've already got a show title in mind Jolly Big Boys Day Biffo and Paul's Jolly Big Boys Day you're not big boys we are

we're big boys well I'll start my own podcast Eli's Mouth Madness Hour with stories with extra stories so anyway this is a podcast about finding treasure in the trash. We go through the bargain bins, the charity shops, and thrift stores of the world,

and we bring back what we find and see what we've got. Because I did the end bit at the beginning. Let me try. Shall I? No. I'll try. I'd rather you didn't. Hello, everybody.

This is a podcast about the treasure that we find. We find it amongst the trash. The treasure. It's not good this week. Can we just clear the air on that front? If we can just lower expectations this week and just say, yeah, you know what? It's a numbers game, mate.

Can't all be winners. No, they can't all be winners. This might be not one people come back to a lot when they're doing the Revers. I think this is obviously one that they'll never come back to. No. So, bearing that in mind, we can say what the fuck we want. I've fucked the king. Oh, Gibby, Gibby, Gibby, Gibby, Gibby, Gibby.

He's Gibby. Did you have a question for me? Did I? I don't know. Because we can't fucking focus this week. And we don't know what we're doing. I mean, we do know what we're doing. It's just that we don't know how to get there.

It's you're the problem. Why am I the problem? Well, give me something and I'll improvise my way to the first bit. Well, no, you give me something and I'll improvise to the next bit. What's the first bit? What are we doing on the show?

Hot sauces first. Oh, do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, and then Price of Shite. And it's all been delivered by one listener of the podcast. And we will be saying thank you to them and then going through a large majority of the stuff in the box before that though yeah the funny bit this isn't the funny bit it's been proven already that this bit is dying on its ass it's because you're blocked up man i know you know you're all blocked up podcasts

oh yeah they'll take take after take after take after take after take. But I'm editing this and I'm inherently lazy. And so I'm just going to leave all the gore in. You're not. This is like Faces of Death, but the podcast version. I know. It was like a death spiral of cold open attempts, but we couldn't escape. No, it was bad.

You know what it is? I think I'm getting hypnotized by the blinds. What, the ones behind me? I can't see them. We have Venetian blinds in here in the house of the palace of the house of ham and eggs. Yeah. Here in the house of the palace of the house of ham and eggs, there are Venetian blinds and it's bright outside and I'm getting all eye interference patterns because of the regular

pattern of the lines. And it's like a big illuminated magic eye behind you. Oh, it's a pirate ship. Oh, it's a jigsaw piece. Here we fucking go. The fucking allowance. Ooh, what's coming out now? The small allowance

that allows him to go from a normal sentence to utter mouth shite. It's a very poorly rendered dragon. I wonder what you'd taste like. I sometimes think about that. Why? I sometimes think about

what it'd be like to eat you. Do you? Yeah. You're a psycho. I wonder where you're most succulent. That is a very sociopathic, nay, psychopathic sort of take on it. I just like the idea of you being... You don't see me as human.

I like you being trussed up on a plate with an apple in your mouth. You don't see me... That's what I think. You don't see me as human. You see me as pure flesh that consume. You consume me. You consume my talent. I wonder if you'd be better with a barbecue sauce or HP.

I don't think your meat would go well with a ketchup. So I'm trying to think what kind of sauces. It's the same barbecue and HP. It's all bollocks. You know nothing about sauce. What would you recommend I eat you with then? Hot sauce. What kind of hot sauce?

Pork, which is what human flesh tastes of. Is it? Yes. That's why they're called the Long Pigs and they're a terrible indie band called the Long Pigs. I don't know if they were terrible. Right. I have no interest in them or their music. Getting hungry. But Long Pigs

apparently was a term that cannibal tribes in Papua New Guinea, the sort of direct translation of their language for... Right. Have you never heard this? No. Of a white man. Right. Was a long pig, you know, the colonists. Oh, okay. A long pig,

because we're long compared to pigs. Except for you. But taste the same. Yeah, well. So, what would be your top... I'm liking where this is going. What would be your top sauce

for, let's say, a pork product, Paul? I want to talk about you specifically. What hot sauce I would use. In this conversation, the closest analogue meat that you have... I'd like to have Silverman chops. That's what I would like. We'll have them off the leg, chops, yeah?

And an Eli sausage. You can make a sausage with my gizzard. Yeah. And, ooh, an Eli haggis. Ooh, bit of bummo, bit of lip, bit of nose, all in there. Why? You keep going back. I want to know why you keep circling round.

Eli Blackpunt. Don't be like that. Blood sausage. Ooh, Eli. I'll give you blood sausage. I'll put you in the oven. Baste you. You're a fucking psycho.

Baste you. Squeeze your own juices on top of yours in the oven. It's your skin crackles. Oh, Eli. Oh. You, listen. You're doing an army hammer. Army hammer. I've got a fucking big army hammer on me right now.

Right. It's turning you on. Thinking about eating your. The idea of consuming my flesh is turning you on. Yeah. I want to make Eli pork crackles or whatever they're fucking called. Yeah. If you can believe this, ladies and gentlemen, you know what Abdi's told me?

Scandal. He likes to eat shit. He likes to eat his own human shit, rubs it in his face. Yeah. Rub it in his face. You rub your shit in your face. You want me to fight back about this,

don't you? I'm not good. Nom, nom, nom. Yeah. I'll have a turd, I'll have a turd and Eli sandwich. How about that? How about that?

Mmm. I can do that. Black pudding, brown pudding more like. Brown pudding and Eli chopped sandwich. Mmm, on rye bread with a bit of mustard and a pickle. Oh, the juicy irony of that. I eat Eli with a pickle and hot sauce.

What a great way for you to go. Mmm. Hello and welcome to episode 23 of Podcast History. Today we're looking at Cheap Show and how... The episode where it became too shit to carry on. The episode that was cancelled. You weird with your themes of cannibalism. I don't have fucking one of those at all.

Bestiality. I'm sorry. Hey mate, I put the best in bestiality. For the best of bestiality, come to Ron's Big Dog Fuckers. We put the best in the bestiality. Big Ron's Fuck Dog Fuck Farm.

Bring your kids. Big Ron's Dog Fuck Farm. Fun for all the family, but mostly dads. Oh, Big Ron's dog farm fun for all the family but mostly dads oh Big Ron's dog fuck farm fuck farm okay

you know what mate I'm just going to put a pin in this we're going to actually start the show proper let's get on with that there's nothing there's no link from that there's no nothing how do you get

Big Ron's dog fuck farm to the hot sauce it's fuck this episode I'm really sorry everyone I know

sorry everyone I'm sorry as well but i hope any uh objective comedy podcast reviews who happen to find this one first i hope this doesn't put you off exploring some of our back catalog which is better oh right uh sound effect sound effect mate come on it's hot sauce time. Now, it's not an official episode of the Sauce Report, which is the anchor segment for our show, Paul. The anchor. The roots that live beneath the podcast

and root us to Mother Earth herself. You could say we're a sauce-based podcast. No, we're not a fucking sauce-based podcast. You could. It's arguable. It's not. Yeah, and I'm going to argue that it's not. No, we're not a fucking sauce-based podcast. You could. It's arguable. It's not. It's arguable. Yeah, and I'm going to argue that.

It's not. Well, you shouldn't because you should see what side of the bread the sauce is... Butted on. The mayonnaise. Nothing. No. Nothing. Right.

What side the mayonnaise is on. What side of the bread the mayonnaise... Mate, you were doing so well when you started this segment. You felt like you were a normal human being and this is your thing, isn't it? I know, sauce. It's important. So we need someone

with a clear mind to guide us through the sauce woods. Now, let's just sum up what I was trying to get at. Sauce, important to us and it's something we talk a lot about

on the podcast. I want to stress it's not the most important thing. Okay, we can agree to differ on that but we can't agree to differ. No. Should we just have it out now? No. Exactly. So let's move on. We're just going to move on. Which can agree to differ on that. No, we can't agree to differ. No. Should we just have it out now?

No. Exactly. No. So let's move on. We're just going to move on. Which means agreeing to differ. No, it doesn't. It means I don't want to have this conversation with you. Which is agreeing to differ. It's not agreeing to differ. Can we agree to differ? I'm having a difference of agreement. Let's agree to differ about whether it's agreeing to differ. I agree to

differ. We do agree to differ. Yes, I'll give you that. Good. So second tier agreeing to differ and moving on. Baseline, no agree to differ. I agree to differ. Would you agree to differ? Yes, I'll give you that. Good. So second tier agreeing to differ and moving on. Baseline, no agree to differ. All right. Okay, good. Now, I'm glad we got that sorted. Now, we've got sauces. We've got hot sauces.

Now, we recently did the one chip challenge. Yes. Very hot. Neither of us did a full five minutes after but I mean when you go there you can't go any higher

can you where do you go from there well that was several million Scoville wasn't it so we're never going to reach those peaks again I wouldn't want to it was pure pain

and then I had that really unsettling feeling on the bus going home after yeah bad Thomas my heat emanating from my stomach from my gut. You know the way your head sort of pulses with heat

after you've had something really hot? It was happening in my stomach. Wow. But we've got some... I just let you settle, that was all. We've got some hot sauces today, Paul. Yes, because basically we want to thank Gaz, or as he's also been known in the past as

Tramp Cum Squeegee on Twitter, and Gazatron. He sent a big box of stuff, loads of stuff. Thank you very much. Thank you, Gaz. Stuff that, frankly, is too big for one show. So we might use some of that on Patreon for other stuff like the CDs and other board games and all this stuff. And we used Chicken Soup for the Soul from his collection last week.

So this week, we're going to do the hot sauces he sent and the price of shite that he sent. And we'll get into that a bit later. A whole episode. But in the letter that he sent, he basically said, here's some hot sauces.

He enjoyed them, thought we'd like to have some fun with them as well. I gave you the card, didn't I? It's on the verse somewhere now. That's the brand. Gourmet Heat

Inferno Hot Sauce. Right. Caution. So what we've got, we've got scororching Red Hot, and it just says Scorching Red Hot for flames on it, so that's one. We've done a similar set before, haven't we?

Medium Hot Sauce, Tangy Orange, just the one flame on that. Okay. Sizzling Hot Sauce, Garlic Del Fuego. Del Fuego. Garlic Hot Sauce. Thank you. Have we done these before?

Not these ones, no. Are you sure? Yeah. We did something very similar. And then finally, this is not order of heat, obviously. Extreme hot sauce, spicy habanero. Okay, we're going to handle all of these. This is going to be a walk in the park for us.

Well, get them. Which is the least spicy? Well, there's one, two, three, four. So the least spicy is medium tangy orange. Now, do you think these have a load of carrot in? Does the box have information on it? I think it does. So the second ingredient on at least one of these is pumpkin.

Weird. It's taking the place of carrot. This might be this one then, because this is like a tangy orange, it says. Now, I've always disliked the tendency in people who try and get into the hot sauce game. They have this tendency to try and improve the texture of their hot sauce uh with the

addition of carrot for a kind of textural element you know what i'm going on about i do yeah and it often makes for a disappointing sort of clumpy texture so it doesn't even work for that use the plate please you're gonna you're gonna spill it all over your trousers that's what the plate's there for right but maybe they're using pumpkin in a similar way what's it saying on the nose this is the first one this is the tangy orange one it doesn't smell tangy or orangey it smells vinegary a little bit vinegary and oh weird it's almost like like melon or something yeah you have a go so there's always an issue with a hot sauce because it essentially is just chili peppers and then filler and vinegar or water yeah right so it's hard to

achieve a texture with that because it's it doesn. Unless you give it a very fine mashing and there's all these things. Often they use xanthan gum, even in big names. And I'm fine with a bit of xanthan gum, give it a bit of consistency. They use that in ketchup as well. Just for people who are listening for the first time, this is the podcast moment I check out on and let Eli do his thing because he's passionate. Oh, that's just a crude vinegar.

Yeah. But it's got this weird note to it. It's a cardboardy, cheap note. It's a bit of a watery jam consistency, I'd say. It does look very jammy. Again, I'm getting none of the fruit on the nose, no orange on the nose. No, it's just all bitterness and vinegar. Vinegary bitterness, yeah.

Are you ready? Right, okay. And this is maybe mild, is it? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's awful. Oh, that's really salty. Yeah, that's right, it is. It's strangely kind of salty.

But considering it says medium, it has got a bit of heat to it. It's got a kick at the end, yeah. I'll give it, that's the best element, though. Everything else about the upfront flavour is disappointing in the extreme, isn't it? It's heat and vinegar. There's no subtlety of flavour there. Yeah, I'm not getting any nuance. Oh, that's terrible.

I hope they improve after that. I have a sneaking suspicion they won't. Well, let's get through them then. I do, I mean, if this is really underwhelming, I do have a little special sauce item, which might help to cool us down as well. You would have seen from the urine vision show. Oh, we're not doing any more fucking sauces after this.

Just let us do these and move on with our lives I have the new McDonald's garlic mayo with me we've done that and the chipotle mayo

we've copied it well I'm just saying if you need a cool down I don't you can use that right this is sizzling garlic delfware garlic

how is it sizzling just says sizzling now what's the nose on this garlicky a bit smoky not really garlicky but definitely smoky in a kind of barbecue saucy way. So a bit more better, interesting-er?

It's got more to it than the last one. The last one was very poor. There you go. Same consistency? A little thicker, maybe. Almost exactly the same colour, isn't it? No, it's a bit darker. It's a bit redder.

I suppose. That one's much more orange. Oh, yes. I'm getting that smoke. Yeah. I'm getting that smoke. Yeah. I'm getting that smoke. Which is something, at least. I'm getting a bit of garlic behind the smoke as well.

Oh, yeah, you're right. All right, I'm going to have a look at this. There is some garlic there. Oh, fuck. Here we go. It's like swallowing silver. I can't explain it. It's weird.

It's really metallic-y. Oh, God. It's really metallic. Oh, God. It's so rough. I've got water. We've got water there. Yeah, again, it's that salt at the top. It's kind of almost a dirty garlic flavour. It's dirty.

Almost greasy garlic flavour. It's very dirty. Look, I sound like fucking someone from Carnation Street now. So you didn't like that less. You liked that less. I actually did like that less, because at least that photo was abrasively fucking nasty all the way down. Yeah, and that smoke element, that's the fuego.

That's why they call it, now I've figured it out, that's why they call it fuego for the smoked element. So you didn't like that. I really didn't like either of those. They're all very cheap tasting and salty which is never it's not always a bad thing.

What are we on now? This is extreme hot sauce spicy habanero. Okay so this is going to be the hottest we think. Well there's one more after this. Now what characterises

a habanero Paul is you shouldn't say nero as well but shut up and talk about the things you know. I do know that that's not the way you say that word.

Well, move on. Instead of embarrassing your friend on your podcast. Friend's a bit of a strong word, isn't it, though? I mean, I think you're my friend. You're all over the place this week. Now, it should be fruity. Smells like polyfiller. Habanero is famously got a lovely fruit note

A sort of tropical fruit note almost This doesn't No What's it smell like? Like stuff you grout tiles with It's got a chemical note for you, does it? They all have, but this one so far is This is exactly the same colour

They're all exactly the same colour But this is one more hotter Oh yeah, same smell as the first one Just that cardboardy vinegar Here we go, I'm going to try this one now. Oh, it's too vinegary. They're all vinegary. That's my favourite one so far.

Yeah, I'll say that for it. It's the least egregious to my palate. It has the best amplitude. It all fits together mostly. But it's so vinegary, though. It's just too vinegary. There is a sort of umami fruit sort of note there. I didn't get that.

That was missing from the others. And it kind of, it's got the best amplitude of all the lot. So that's my favourite so far. Would you say that was your favourite so far? Yeah, but like, I don't know, how am I meant to, they're all horrible. I want that to be on the record. I'm loving how this is a real old deal for you. It's a real horrible one.

Oh, my stomach's beginning to feel. And it's also like, it leaves a really unsatisfying burn at the back of your throat as well yeah but you have to you have to put it in context of like a piece of meat or something you might have i get it that we're having these raw i get it i get it i get it but still it's like there's nothing to these but no they're not good sauce heat and vinegar there's a little bit of difference with the smoky one we had second but that was nasty the smoke flavor on that was quite chemically almost harsh. Almost like a burnt

tyre sort of smoke. Yeah. Wasn't it? Shit. Shitty smoke sort of. Last one. Which is? This is the hottest of them.

Scorching hot sauce. Red hot. That's all it says. Oh, this is maybe hotter than the Habanero. The hottest one here it says. All three of the ones

we tasted so far have basically been the same amount of heat. Little bit of a kick at the end but not overpowering. Right? I can feel my guts already going.

I still don't like this. Push that shit through. Here we go. Just more of the same. Honestly, mate, they're all the fucking same. I knew it. I knew when I saw them.

There's nothing to each one to distinguish them apart from the smoky one. Yeah. That's it. That's been the most different. This is the last. The third one was a better

version than the first. It's a lot thicker, this one. Oh. That's it. That's been the most different. This is the last. The third one was a better version than the first. It's a lot thicker, this one. Oh. Maybe this is good then. That is thick. It's got a nicer texture, doesn't it? I can see from here. Yeah.

All right. Maybe it's best till last, but I am slowly doubting that. It just smells like Play-Doh and vinegar. Yeah. Do you agree? The smell on this is different. But it's all still fake shit. God.

Right, here we go. Last one. Come on, do it for daddy. But it's all still fake shit. God. Right, here we go. Last one. Come on, do it for daddy. Nah, fuck all that. It's the sweetest. It's gone. Fuck me.

Oh, that's the worst. It's that sweet note in there as well, which is really unnecessary. It's like someone's put a perfume in it. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's why I couldn't put my finger on. It's got an almost floral, medicinal almost thing. Oh, well, what a lot of fun that was. Number three was the best for me.

Oh, yeah, maybe. It was the least foul. No, we're not doing this, is it? I'm doing it myself. Don't do that, please. I'm not heavy. Can we just end this segment now? It's 15 minutes. It's a good length.

Can I have some water? I'm burning, man. Which end have you been drinking out of? This one. I'll hand you that. The good end. This is the side you don't... Oh, I don't feel so hot anymore.

No, let's just take a little break. I've set my stomach off. Let's just have a little break, mate. We've done enough now. We've done enough. I just want to... I know what you want to do, but we're not enough now. We've done enough. I just want to... I know what you want to do,

but we're not doing it. I want to inform everyone I'll be spooning some garlic mayo new pot from McDonald's into my gob to cool down the fire. Well, that'll be happening in between this segment and the next. So until then,

I just want to sum up that they were all fucking awful and don't buy them. What's the brand called? Oh, who gives a shit? Gourmet fucking gut rot. Cunt heat fucking industries. Oh, God, it's all burning now.

Luckily, I've got this. What's that? It's my garlic mayo. You fucking feral beast. You grotty little feral rat. It's going to work because this is milk solids. Well, I'm just going to stop this now. No one needs to hear it and I don't want to see it.

I'm spooning it directly into my gob. Right, well, I'm just going to stop this now. No one needs to hear it and I don't want to see it. I'm spooning it directly into my gob hole. Right, good. It's horrible watching you eat fucking mayo just like that. Oh, God, I almost vomited there.

Oh, mate, this is our lowest, this is probably our lowest ebb. Taste of fish. Oh. You shouldn't have had fish after

hot sauce, mate. Rookie error. Oh, the garlic sort of transforms to fish with that. Oh, well, bye-bye, boys and girls. Bye-bye. I'm crying. Welcome back. And since you last heard us, I'd had some coffee and Eli's dropped toffee and we're back.

You didn't have coffee, though. I did. I had a sup of me... You had a sup on the... Of me soya latte. What? Nothing. Shall I do the theme tune?

Yeah. It's your turn now to kick off the theme tune. I've done it the last time, so it's your go. By the way, wait. Now it's time for The Price of Shite. Oh-ho-ho. It's the fucking... Oh-ho-ho.

It's the fucking... Oh-ho-ho. It's the fucking... The Price of Shite it's the fucking, the price to shite. That's right. That's right. I meant to say that's right, though. No, I'm building up to it. No, because I meant to say it.

You're not meant to say it at all. It's meant to be something I say. I'm doing a read. It's like call and response, isn't it? It's the fucking price to shite. That's right. That's when I come in. You've ruined this.

We're not doing it. No. We're not doing it. No. We're not doing it. Oh, ho, ho. It's the fucking... I'm not going to say it. Price is right. Oh, ho, ho.

It's the fucking price is right. Oh, ho, ho. It's the fucking price is right. And is it wrong? Or is it right? Is it right? This is our worst episode. Put it in your diaries, everyone.

It's the worst one. Why would you put that in your diary? You might have a diary. Your metaphorical use of the word diary is stretched beyond reality. Episode 340 was bloody awful. Who would write that? And I cried myself to sleep. I wanked myself to sleep and then cried.

You're in your diary, isn't it? I wanked myself to sleep, then wanked myself to sleep and then cried. Is that on your diary? I wanked myself to sleep, then I cry. Is that in your diary? And you know what? You write in your diary every day. The tears of my sleep, they've re-moistened the dried cum. And it goes... You are pathetic this week.

Genuinely, lowest, laziest common denominator. It goes crackle, crackle, crackle, the soft popping sound. And it wakes me from my melancholic slumber. Right. I'm going to ask you very, very, very sternly to shut your fucking stupid, gormless fucking mouth hole. Oh, gormless now. That's a new one.

Oh, the noise of my dried cum moistening a heart. I swear to fucking God. Come on, it's a price of shite, that's right. I'm putting up the scoreboard in your book with my pen. Now, Gaz has sent in a bespoke price of shite for us to do. Is that right? Yes, that's right. Good, that's right.

And how many items do we have, Paul? I think we have like eight. Hang on. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. We've got seven. I've written that. It's fine. We have seven items today.

Any special rules? Are we going by classics? Just classics. Classic rules. Which are, Eli? What are they? We get a point, known as a betwing in this game, Paul. Betwing's a thing.

We get a point if we are 25p, either above or below the stated price. Yeah. And we also get two betwings. If we're dead on the money. If we get it on the nose. Two per twings. Bish bosh. Two per twings.

We need those sweet per twings, don't we? We need those sweet per twings. They are our lifeblood and we're pit against each other this week because he, well, okay,

so a bit of backstory. Loads of items came in these boxes. There's a few over there which you may be able to see, a pack of cards, a little thing, a little trinket. There's a little porcelain piggy

I lost because every oh here we go it's complicated usually when people can send us the prices they send it all on a separate sheet in an envelope

right but this is like every item came with a piece of paper that had the price on and I don't know if Gaz didn't put all of them in or these aren't items

as part of it or I lost those bits of paper I hear you Paul Paul. Either way. Paul, I hear what you're saying. In the cut of thrust of being a podcaster, I may or may not have

mislaid some prices. Therefore, those items there will not be included in this price of shite leaving us with these that we have left. We hear you. Do you know what else we hear?

What? Excuses. No, it's the sound of the world's smallest violin being played by a stream of piss coming out your metres. Well... And it sounds a bit like this if you could magnify the sound. Yeah.

It would almost sound not unlike a mosquito flying around your head. Not unlike that, not unlike that. Thanks for that, Eli. So there are a load of items here. I think we've got about eight, so we're going to just dive straight in. We've still got eight, even with those missing items? Yes. Wow.. I think we've got about eight. So we're going to just dive straight in. We've still got eight even with those missing items. Yes. Wow.

Can I just say, Paul? Yes. I've got a real groinage for some patwainage. Let's do it. Get the patwains out. No. Rub the patwains on my nips. Fucking tape those patwains to my tits.

My tolerance for you is real super low this week. I find you an annoyance. How about that? I've got twins in my patwanzi. I am fine. I'm going to guess as well, if I'm being blunt with you, if you want some real truth.

I don't really want it. I want some real truth. I'm going to guess a large portion of our audience hate this too. They're beginning to find it grinding and repetitive. You're blah, blah, mouth boingies.

You know? Your utterances. Your car crashes of here we go sounds and noise it's it's it it's eviscerate Eli hour come on

and that's the worst thing even this bit even me dressing you down like this is a trope it's a boring trope where do we go from here we

go with my mouth noises I think we reboot get two younger people in get two young'uns in and they can give the show a nice needed boot and reach a new demographic how about that

how about we quit right now I've told you you've built in the structure the fake walkout which doesn't allow you to ever really walk out we just carry on doing it this like this

forever then yeah alright then I'm up for it so the big difference this time is when we do the price shite and score we're going to score it as we go

and chart the betwings as we go through the items, all right? Yes, that's what we're going to do. So that might lead to an easier edit or just more exciting. Just more exciting, more flow. We'd have to repeat ourselves. Yeah, less repetition, more flow. So let's hear that again. What's the new little twinge, tweak, rather?

I've got a twinge for betwings, but what's the tweak? I feel weak. I want some betwique. We see... I'm on foot. Mate, do you want me to fucking say what you want me to say? Or you just want to talk?

Absolute fucking garbage. I like the garbage. I know, but even I can't fucking take it all the time. Because it's like... I'm sorry. It's a wall of mouth dicks. It's just a fucking... Those are the days, eh? It's just... A wall of mouth dicks. It's just a fucking... Those are the days, eh?

It's just a wall of mouth dicks. Sound scat, boiling hot, mucky lava my way. I'm aghast and I don't know where to run because I've gone down an alleyway. All I can do is hope

to close my eyes and mouth as it sweeps its muck all over me. Yes, you're aghast, but I am aghast. Ooh, I'm flowing down. Here we go again. Just dial it in. Okay.

It's mentally troubling. We have a perfectly normal conversation outside. And I press record and then whatever that happens, happens. I'm turning it down. I'm going down from a nine

to a sort of two, okay? Seven minutes in and we've done fucking nothing. Do you know how sobering this is? Come on, mate. Let's go on a voyage for some hardcore patwining. Fuck me.

I was going to just keep it simple. It's fine. Listen, can I do my one? Let's have a little fling with a patwing. Okay. Right? Yeah.

Hopefully multiple. First item. Item number one, send it to me. We don't have a ceiling. No. Gaz, you didn't give us a ceiling or a window. No, the letter Send it to me. Do we don't have a ceiling? No. Gaz, you didn't give us a ceiling or a window. No, the letter doesn't give us a window, a ceiling, a roof.

Oh, this is quite a nice item. I think it's quite a nice item. It's a biscuit tin. It's a biscuit tin, but... But it is Jaffa Cake branded. Nice. And it has the appearance of a giant Jaffa Cake, Paul. Yeah.

With a bite taken out of it. With a lovely big bite, giving it a kind of crescent-y moon kind of look. It's a crescent-shaped tin. And the bite device also allows you to see the gooey inside of the Jaffa section. What's that bit known as?

The jam. The jam. Yeah, I think it's just the jam. It's not jam, though, is it? It is jam, isn't it? A Jaffa cake, not a biscuit. No, here we go. It's a cake.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not really Jaffa orange as well. It's apricot and shit. Ah, but it must have orange oil. We've done this on the show before as well. It must have orange oil in it. It must have orange oil in it though, Paul. I don't know what it has.

All I know is that that's a big Jaffa cake tin to store Jaffa cakes in or, you know, keys, coins. And famously, they proved that it was not a biscuit and a cake by making. Yes, we've done this story before. By making, but about this size probably. No, it was bigger. It was bigger than this. It was much bigger a biscuit and a cake by making yes we've done this story before by making but about this size probably no it was bigger it was bigger than this

it was a cake size alright now I need who's going to guess the prize first you is there any background Gaz has given us about where he purchased these items no

wherever he lives he got them there he's been banking it over a few months so he's been picking up as he goes there's these disturbing little handwritten things. Yeah, which is Jaffa Cake tin. It says, surprisingly textile, despite its name. I think that's what it says.

No, because that's not English sentence, what you just said. You can't say, don't be getting the tape off. Oh, everybody's looking at the price. I'm not. It's still sealed. My worry was tearing it open and tearing through the price. Just be careful. How much do you think, Eli, is that tin?

I want to say. Go on. £1.45. Right. He says £1.40. I'm going to say a quid on the nose. I wanted to say that first, but, you know, that's your prerogative. No.

Oh, now we see the price. Immediate betwing gratification. Still going in. Yeah. Oh, I like this. Tearing it open. Oh. 70p. Oh. It Immediate betwing gratification. Oh, I like this. Tearing it open. Oh, 70p. It's a betwing for me.

No. Oh, no. You're 5p out. Mate, how about this? We do 50p out. No, it's not what we agreed to, Paul. We both get a lovely betwing then, don't we? No, I don't want a lovely betwing.

No, I would still not get a betwing. You would because you said 140. 50p, yeah, but there's no betwing. These are devaluing the whole currency of between. And I will not do it. Let's lean into the shitification of this show. It's too shitifying. Let's not lean in.

This is our worst episode. No, you've just been complaining. It's our worst episode. Who gives a fuck? Fine, you can have a fake between if you want, but we'll all know who had the real between. The fans in between. It's not.

You can have it if you want, like Paul, but no one's, okay? I don't want it if it's not going to be a between. We've both got a donut on the first between. The fans in between. It's not. You can have it if you want, like Paul, but no one's, okay? I don't want it. We've both got a donut on the first item. All right? I need to improve my standing

beating you and I'm not going to just let you get, you know, come on. That was a good guess. Were you closer to me to it than mine?

I was because I said a quid, didn't I? And you said 140. So it was 70p. Oh yeah, you were much closer. So I, yeah,

so I was only 30p out good well you've got a good instinct going through in close but no cigar next item number two this lovely extensive bespoke price of shite says magnet price guessing game that we play here on cheap show yeah this oh i like this bag it's a nice little bag it comes in, you're right. This is a little tourist paper bag depicting Italy, is that right? Yeah. Corfu, sorry. Bless you. It says I heart Corfu in it on pleasing yellow and blue colour.

I like the bag more than the thing. It's one of those things where you go into a tourist trap shop, don't you? And you get a nice little bag like that. At least they give you a nice little bag. At least give you a nice little bag. So I almost wish it had sweets in. It's got that vibe where you kind of wish it had some lemon bonbons in. I might stick that on my...

I might stick this on the wall in the House of Pickles. You've got a travel wall, haven't you? I've got a travel-themed wall. I have a castle-themed bit of the wall. All sorts of stuff going on. However, the actual item...

Also mould and shit. No, you don't need to say that. It's called the House of Pickles. Pickles need fermentation to exist so they must they get fucking plenty in that by definition dirty hot box you're in your mucky ruin there's things you need to make pickles bacteria fermentation and heat and mucky ruin oh this is a dirty little sat here is is it? Oh, it's a satyr as in a

half man, half goat of ancient Greece and he's got a big dick and he's poking it up against a woman.

I thought it was going to be like a map of Corfu or something as the magnet. I haven't actually looked at it. The old time lovers because they're from myth

I guess. So he's going go on love and pulling it around but he's a lot shorter have a look give it a look i want that i can can i keep this yeah you can keep all this so it's just a flat magnet printed on the old time lovers and it looks yeah he's got a big rod on and she's like nah mate i'm having a drink can you pog off she's literally and he's it's like he's like a little child tugging on her yeah and it's like he's at a party

she's having a chat he's like go on come on you're here now love and she's like no mate I'd rather just drink me mead it looks like a long hard one

rather than a hugely girthous girthous one she doesn't look particularly interested now Paul the betwings are just around the corner here

I go first now now did he buy this in Corfu don't know maybe it's funny funny because go first now? Now, did he buy this in Corfu? Don't know. Maybe. It's funny because I wouldn't have been seen in public buying that in Corfu. Oh, yeah. It'd be so embarrassing.

Like the woman in the shop. You'd be like, oh, could someone buy the dirty satyr magnet for me? And you'd be staring outside. No, you'd do it this way. You'd say, can I have a magnet off the wall? No, not that one. Not that one. Yeah, that one. That's how I feel it. No, you'd do it this way. You'd say, can I have a magnet off the wall? No, not that one. Not that one. Yeah, that one.

That's how you do it. How much do I think it is? I'm going to say 50p. Now for you, Eli, to choose your Mucky Ruin. Come on. I think it's more like a quid. One quid? Can I go on the nose?

I'm going to go on the nose. It's up to you. Would you say one quid on the nose has probably been I'm going to go on the nose it's up to you would you say one quid on the nose has probably been one of our most successful price of all time yeah

quid on the nose I'm going to add it lock that in locking it in one pound he says oh look works as a magnet it does because

it's stuck to the tin yes right it's now time for instant between gratification oh everyone's taped do you like this?

It's interesting. It just means we'll get to the end and one of them will be unimpeachably ahead. Yeah, but that's the drop. Well, maybe not.

We'll lose drama then, won't we? We don't know. We'll see. Could be drama, could not be drama. Wow. £1.75.

I wouldn't have thought that was once. Should have said £1.50. It's a good quality item and it looks like it's bought new. I don't know about that. It's metal, isn't have said 150. It's a good quality item, and it looks like it's bought new. I don't know about that. It's metal, isn't it? Yeah.

It's not badly made. No, it's fine for what it is, but what it is is not, I think, worth £1.75. Pure tat. I'll get the next one. Couldn't give it to your gran, could you? Right, next item then is, are these? It's a two-for-one item. Two little glasses.

Two little glasses. These are like a third of a pint, quarter of a pint. I don't know. I think they're a quarter of a pint. It says here two glasses

although a he just says these are glasses of good quality and found in a charity shop. Nice little quality glasses. Yeah, nice. Fine.

They look to me though that they're like like little taster glasses you get in breweries like craft beer where you go have a little sample of each a third of a pint or something of each. Yeah, because they look like kind of almost shaped like little barrels almost.

They're little, they've got a beer-y sort of shape. Yeah. Okay, and I'm going to be guessing first on this one. You are with this one, yeah. Ah, cheap glasses are cheap, aren't they? Cheap, but you get two. And it's one price. Yeah, apparently.

60p. Right. What are you going to say? I'm going to say... get two. And it's one price. Yeah, apparently. 60p. Right. What are you going to say? I'm going to say... It's going to go within 25p of me, everybody. No. Part of me wants to say, and I don't know why, 120. Okay, go for it.

He's doubling my price. Oh, yeah, I am. 120. 120. Here we go. Instant per twinge. We've both got big, fat, hairy donuts. We've got nothing so far.

We've got the void in the middle of someone's bumhole. The void of nothingness. Well done. Putrid nothingness. The smelly void. A new novel. Can he find the price? The price for the two high-quality glasses was...

90p. 90p. Oh, you've missed it as well then. Have I? I said 120 oh I'm out again by 30p by 5p

apparently it was 6 for 3 pound so you could buy 6 of them for 3 pound you could yeah mate this is not our best episode

this could happen it could get no betwings here in which case we'll see who won but alright well let's do one more item and take a breather

and that item is this. It is Awful Pin Badge. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's a bit haunting. Oh. This is two white faces, a man and a woman. The man has a small pork pie-style hat on.

Yeah. And a thin moustache. And the woman has red eyes. They look kind of dramatic, don't they? do theater it has got they look like a mime troupe or something don't they do you know actually do you know what that looks like now that i've had a proper look at it it looks like sunny and sheer yeah it really looks like is that a sunny and sheer because what is that it's made out of it's like porcelain or something or plastic or something it's sort of

Bakelite something like that Lucite or Bakelite yeah it's not like an enamel pin badge it's a resin no it's not a pin badge at all

because it's got a oh yeah it's got a a catch in the back a pin catch in the back is that what they're called something like that yeah they've got a haunted look to them

I say cursed look yeah have a cursed look I wouldn't want to wear that no but you can imagine wearing that to an art class and having a jumper on

that goes past your cuffs. And a beret. And a beret, yes. And a, frankly. And a carton of juice. Yes. I don't know why. Would you have a carton of juice?

I would. A little sippy cup. I might have a tiny vodka. Like a Panda Pops. Why would you at this Bohemian have a Panda Pops? Because he's different.

Everyone else is doing the hip flask thing. He's doing panda pops. You need to guess the price of this cursed badge. Cursed two-face badge. His and hers. What is it? What's the point of this?

Is this handmade? Or is this mass produced? Don't know. It has no... No signifiers on it? No markings on the back. No. And look, the pin itself has been glued quite crudely.

I think this might have been a little objet jar. It almost feels like it should have been a fridge magnet. Yes. You know. I bet in some instances there is a fridge magic. Magic. Yeah, it should be. Fridge magic.

Look, I could tape it over this saty's cock and then make it into a fridge magic. Shut up. Is it my turn to guess? Fridge vaginate. Right. I'm going to say 50, 60, 70p, something like that. Oh, well done. I'm going to have to hold you down. No, I know. I'm saying it's in that range. I'm going to say... You're thinking out loud,

but I want a price from you. 60p. 60 on the nose. Yeah, 60p. What are you going to say? Oh, you said 60p last time. What are you saying now? I'm going to say a quid. Right. Oh, God. Awful pin badge. The faces will consume your soul. Yes, they could. They certainly would. Hey, also, do you know what?

What? The man is missing an eyebrow. He's got no left eyebrow. Sonny hasn't got an eyebrow. Is that what gives it its weird vibe a bit? Maybe. It's off centre. Do you think the person who made this was being forced to work in a factory for minimum wage and they just read... By Sonny and Cher.

Yeah. Well, he's dead, Sonny. Well, good. And by a lot of rumours, so is Cher. Oh! Virgins blood. Gypsies, tramps and thieves. Sort them on the corner and sell them in Tesco's.

Right. The price is... I need to tear it open. Why has it got no eyebrow? 60p. Ooh. Petwing. Petwing for Paul.

What? This is it. The cheating. How have it cheated? It's sealed with sellotape. Oh, no, I'm sorry. This is it. It's sealed with sellotape.

No, I'm not. I push up with this shit week after week. I put up with this shit from you. You stealing. Stealing Petwing. It was sealed with sellotape. Fine. Give yourself a million Petwings. Fine. See if I care. There's shit from you. You stealing. Stealing for twings. It was sealed with sellity. Fine. Give yourself a million for twings. Fine.

See if I care. There's a few more items to do. He's just acting like a gorilla in the room. I don't know. He's not really doing anything. And now he's doing like Alf Garnet impressions. And now he's goose stepping. This is all very strange. Shut up. I'm back. And now he's like rubbing his tummy with This is all very strange. Shut up! I'm back! And now he's like

rubbing his tummy with butter. Ooh, reminds me of all that succulent meat talk we were talking about before. I wonder what Eli's sauce would be like. Probably smoky, a bit bitter and salty on the tongue. You don't have meat sauce. Anyway, we're going to take a quick break. There's no such thing as a meat sauce.

It's called meat sauce. It's called a stock. It's not a sauce. You don't have meat-based sauce. Name one meat-based sauce. Fish sauce. Jamiroquai sauce. You ever had Jamiroquai sauce? Oh, yeah? It's dead nice.

Is it? I haven't got any other gags to back that up. You don't have a gag. I just wanted to say Jamiroquai sauce. Any other gags. You didn't have gag one. Ah, fuck off. Ah, fuck off.

You fuck off. You fuck off. Your shit. Your shit. Fuck off. Jam Iroquai. You shit off. You fuck off. You're shit. You're shit. Fuck off. Jam irrequired. You shit man. I'm sorry.

Let's take a quick break. Hello? Hello, yes, it's Arthur Pointer here. Oh, hello, Arthur. Are they ready for us? Yes, Brandovsky, they are ready for you. Oh, fantastic. I'll just come down the stairs, OK? Yeah, come down. The lab door's open.

Come down. We've got something to show you. All right, I'll just go get in the lift now. I'll see you in a second. Stop jabbering and fucking come down. All right, I'll come down now. All right, say goodbye. Goodbye. Bye-bye. You hang up.

You hang up. No, you hang up. Listen to me! All right, say goodbye. Goodbye. Bye-bye. You hang up. You hang up. No, you hang up. Listen to me! All right, I'm gone. Arthur! Ah, come over here. Oh, there you are. Come over here. Okay. It's very dark down here. Aye, we've had the machinery running all night.

Oh. Isn't that right, Marjorie? Oh, hello, I'm Marjorie Craddock. Welcome back to the secret emporium of machines. Hmm. Not many people have been allowed down here over the years. No, that's right, Marjorie. But are the new clones ready?

Yes, I just wanted you to come and see. It was all above board. The machine is in its final phase now, producing what you asked for, to the specifications that you asked for. Now, Munro will just put them into the final position. Munro's been tinkering all night long. That's right, Munro's had a lot of involvement with this project and...

It is Monroe's masterpiece. And I just want everyone to know Monroe's been much more active in the production and the finessing of the machines here in the Emporium. Equal rights for Monroe. All right, that's enough. You won't get any bananas. I want bananas. That's right. Monroe loves bananas. I want bananas. That's right, Munro loves bananas. Munro loves bananas. Now, do you gentlemen want to witness the birth?

It's all a bit squelchy, to be honest. Ah, you don't mind watching this, do you, Brandovsky? You'd like to see this. This, to me, is the destiny of the knockoff characters. This is what we need to do. I want to see the gristle, the blood, the sponge and all of the fluids. Monroe, pull

lever now. Go for it, Monroe. Now, Monroe, make sure you're monitoring the pressure levels as they come out the birthing tubes. Monroe, got this down. Oh God, oh God, oh fuck's sake, what's this? Oh, I'm Levi Silverblob! Oh fucks sake, who's this? I'm Saul Spamman!

Oh god! You're so pathetic, Saul! You're so fucking pathetic. I hope you die, you. Spongy watch, spongy woo, spongy dip-dap-dip-dee-doo. I don't know why I do this with you. You're grumpy, you are. Right, there you go. There's your knock-off hosts.

They are fantastic. Look, they look so realistic. A bit odd, but they'll do the job. I have to say, Marjorie and you, Monroe, you have done such a wonderful job on this! Monroe, say thanks! Oh, thank you very much. So, what do you want to do now? What's the next stage? It's clear to me now what we must do.

We use these fantastic creations to destroy Cheap Show and all of the original characters. And then from there, we take over the whole world of comedy podcasting. In a huge upturn for the books, Paul has swung into the lead with on the nose two patwings. Patwang, patwang!

Thank you very much, yes. It's at the halfway point of the nose two betwings thank you very much yes it's at the halfway point of the competition has three more items ahead of it but who knows what will happen in the next three items

it's an instant gratification price of shite I think we've had this before or similar this is the episode of repetition this is this is

this is the recursive episode of cheap show oh that is starting to work its way through, that hot sauce. Now, I feel poisoned. I genuinely feel... It's starting to reach the bowel moments. I mean, that is why you're meant to have it with meat

and not just spoon it in your mouth. This is a Cadbury creme egg. Cream egg. Cream egg mug. Not shaped like a cream egg mug. It's just got the branding on the side. It's got the branding on the side. Would have kept this if I had the room, he says.

He likes it. Gaz likes a mug. It looks like a perfectly functional mug. Nice for a cup of tea, but you've got your issues. No, I just think that came with an Easter egg. It seems like it's that kind of giveaway, isn't it? I don't know. It's got a weight to it.

It feels less cheap than some of the stuff like this. No, they're usually quite good, the ones you get in Easter egg. They're only ceramic mugs. They don't need to be like Royal Dalton, do they? No, but it has a good solid mug. It's a solid mug. one it's a good mug i've got like three of those i need to fucking and i've got those still the cream egg shaped ones 50p remember that back in the day when i had those i've still got them well we have a penchant on this show we do and we over the years we've covered a whole tranche of uh confectionery based crockery some of it has stayed within our

own personal collections and not handed back to local charity shops. Like the Rolo one. Do you still have that? The Rolo one? The mug that's shaped like a Rolo. No, it's not shaped like a Rolo. It's shaped like a Cadbury's dairy milk chocolate chunk.

Because you don't get Rolo anymore, dear. Oh, here we go. Don't get Rolo no more. Stop sounding like Grandad. What's the price for your cream egg mug? 50p, I said. 50p, I said. Paul, I've had a breakthrough.

Get the scary couple badge. Yeah, talk into the mic because, you know, we all want to hear you. Get the scary couple badge. Yeah. And put it on the satyr pin so that the woman turns into the head of the satyr and the guy with the moustache and one eyebrow becomes the head of that lady. Fucking have a good old fucking... You know, you could rename that badge Spodget.

Have I got muse for you? Because, you know, that's a satire, isn't it? That's two gags for the price of one. That was pretty good, but I was a bit... It's not a laugh out loud gag, but a muse. The muse thing is... Yeah, have I got muse for you? Why? Because the muse is a Greek thing.

Yeah, it is, kind of, isn't it? It's a satire. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyway, it's a think thing. Yeah, it is. Kind of, isn't it? It's a satire. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyway, it's a thinker. No, but that's where the word satire comes from. It can't all be Spodge gags based, is it? Can it this show? So it's got to be like...

I mean, I beg to... Attempting legitimacy. I beg to differ. You said 50p. I'm going to say for the mug... It's going to undercut me, overcut me. I'm going to say 90p. It's gone up to 90p.

And we instantly get to know on this new version of the price-o-de-shy-so, what is the state of the price of this mug, Paul? I can barely wait. The creme egg mug, I'm going to fill it

with my own creme. Oh, I'm 30p out again. £1.20. £1.20. Fuck, I can't get a single between. Fuck this. You could get two in the next two,

and I could get nothing, and we can draw. Or you could get two, then one, and I could get nothing, and you win. Oh, it's so exciting. There are still exciting moments ahead. Well, I'm hoping that the fucking items pick up, because that was boring as fuck. This is another mug.

It is, isn't it? I'm saving the best item till last, even though it's not really that good. This is another mug. It is, isn't it? I'm saving the best item till last, even though it's not really that good. This is another mug. It is the marriage of the Prince of Wales

and Lady Diana Spencer to commemorate 29th of July, 1981. Fucking hell. Fuck my life. Can I just say that? Yeah. Oh, it's a fucking mug.

It doesn't even have a picture of Lady Diana. No, it's just a whole bunch of words. I could Lady Di. No, it's just a bunch of words. I could fucking spadge it in. Just a bunch of words. You could shake the mug under the nuts. We know there's nothing to this, but don't add to it by adding less. It could collect pieces of skin and pubes.

Is it my turn to go? Who guessed first last time? You did. So it's your turn to guess the price of this mug. You know what? I'm going to say... Oh, he's going to cheat. I'm going to say £1.10 because these mugs so far have been up there.

So I'm going to say £1.10. What does Eli say? £1.25. Oh, £1.25. Come on. If it's the same price, I want a 1 for 10. So you can't accuse me of cheating. All right, thank you.

This should have been in place from the word go. Well, I'm doing it now as a courtesy to your vanity. Yeah, as a salve to the actual cheating that was taking place earlier in the show. Right. See? I know the little con tricks you guys play. I don't do nothing. You're like a magician.

You're like a bad magician. Don't you think I'd be doing better by now if I was cheating properly? No, because you're trying to make it look realistic. No, I'm not. I can't be arsed. ATP. What did you be arsed. 80p. What did you say? 110.

Yeah. 30p out again. Oh, fuck! I really wanted to betwange it. You are the 30p man, aren't you? We're moving on to the next item. I have not a single betwing. No, but still,

there are two more items to go. I've realised there was another one that I didn't see, so I've got that one. Eli, say what you see. Now, this is a little figure, a little figurine in the seated position. It has a little right angle under the bottom of the figure, so it can slot onto the edge of

a table or shelf. Or shelf. You can have it perch there, sitting, looking at you. And it's a nun. It's a nun. Again, in a sort of resin. Yeah. A kind of plasticky resin. Is she a naughty nun? It's a cartoon nun, and she has a little sign clasped to her breast. What does she say? If I may be so bold.

Bold it. And it says, mum. No, it says, none. Boo, please. None too pleased. None too. Fucking hell. So she's not too pleased.

What's she not pleased about? The quality of the joke she's involved with. She's not too pleased. What's she not pleased about? The quality of the jokes she's involved with. She's none too pleased about that, I tell you that. This is an utterly, utterly horrible piece of crap. And the resources of this planet, this finite planet we live on, that we use to produce this, everyone should hang their head in shame. They really should, because there's no need to damage this planet to make a plastic resin nun with a sign saying nun. We none too pleased about that i'm none too pleased also the level of detail in the

face shows zero effort it is a mass-produced piece of crap but how and you couldn't even wank over it you can wank over it if you want eli you just gotta put your heart in it well there's no there's no there's no um yeah so no leverage things of all comes down to. There's no leverage for your milky beverage. But of all the things so far, probably it's the satyr one that

you'd wank over the most, isn't it? You could. It'd be a tough challenge. The Jaffa. Some people

turned on by Jaffa Cakes, I guess. I am. Again, I like the idea of strapping this. How much is the

nun? Because I don't want to play your games. How much is the nun? Oh, if you put the nun just watching you wank. How much is the nun? Because I don't want to play your games. How much is the nun? Oh, if you put the nun just watching you, Wang. How much is the nun? At the corner of her eye, there she is.

This, please. That might get you going. Get going, yeah. Right, how much is the nun? Sorry, Mother Superior. This is my last joint. It's your go. It's my last joint.

It's not. We've got one more item after this. It would just help if I had some kind of help. A window. A window. We don't have a window. Or a ceiling. Look, mate. Even a some kind of help. A window. We don't have a window. Or a ceiling. Even a ground floor.

Yeah, but we don't have any. There are no foundations to this game. A ground floor where there's no item under a certain price. That'd be good, wouldn't it? No. In future. Eli, give me the price of the non. Then we can have ground floor, window, ceiling.

Give me the price or the non. Oh, the non's on the glasses! It's because you said unholy things. It fell. It's like the exorcist. This is all very unholy. This episode the glasses. It's because you said unholy things. It fell. It's like the exorcist. This is all very unholy. This episode's cursed. It's pagan.

You've got the pagan satyr, the scary twins, like the shining. The devil's source. The scary double-headed pin badge, then the nun. Oh, like the exorcist. Oh, it's landed on my Johnny. Bouncy, bouncy. Pathetic. Bouncy.

Pathetic. Pathetic. I was right up there with you, going along with this until you started rubbing the nun on your garbage. Oh. Rubbing the nun on your garbage. Oh, that's my favourite song, that is. I was rubbing the nun on my garbage.

I was rubbing the nun on my garbage. And after a few jokes I I couldn't help but choke. She was all covered in blobbage. And that's the best you're getting out of us today. That was, I think, a highlight for me. Now, um... I'm rubbing the nun on my gubbage.

Oh, I'm rubbing the nun on my garbage. Oh, I'm rubbing the nun on my garbage. I want to just grab it and rub it on my habit. Always Popeye the Sailor Man. Boop, boop. Sprooge. Now, what did you say for the nun? Please, please, Eli. I'm looking at £1.75, I think.

£1.75. It's a weighty item. I can see someone. It's75, I think. £1.75. It's a weighty item. I can see someone. It's still got... It's brand new. I'm going to say that is £2 because I've given up. You're going £2. Come on.

Can I please have one solitary consolation per twing in this whole game? It's a classic. A classic listener sent in a classic item. It is £1. All hope is fading fast. Wow. Right, last item. Say what you see.

Oh, it's knob shaped, everybody. Oh, it is a knob. It's a literal phallus bottle opener. It's a knob with a bottle opener on the bottom. It's a wooden knob. Where the balls are. It's an ornate red and green wooden knob. Is it lazy to design it that way and not build in the opener?

The balls look like undeveloped. No, but think about it. They've stuck the bottle opener part by the balls, right? Above the balls. Would it have been cleverer to use the meters of the penis as the bottle opening part? I know, but that would take some actual thought and design. Yeah, it would. That's how I would design it.

That would be good. I mean, that would be good. It would. It'd be funny. You actually use the meters as the... You could make it flesh-like and you could take it to parties

and hide it in your pants and say, Oi! Who wants a bottle of Budweiser? Now that would be... Jesus Christ. That's excellent. We should cut this out

because we need to make money. We'll take it on Dragon's Den. What would you call it? The... The Peony Popper. The bottle knob shot. The throttle opener. The throttle opener.

Good. Good, I like it. This is a fucking horrible... There's been some really horrible tourist items in this selection. It's called food as well, isn't it? It is. There is a fish or whale

in green on the shaft of this phallus. And it has a very elaborate helmet. And it has a carved elaborate helmet. In some ways, mimicking little gloopy

strands of spunk as it spreads around the helmet. This is our worst. I'm literally going to call this episode worst episode ever. Tell me that's not

a stylised spunk coming out there. It looks like the matted web droppings of a spurge. Yes. It does, doesn't it? Pictures on the website, everyone. But how much? That is fucking horrible, and you wouldn't want that in the kitchen,

and also feels flimsy in terms of the design. It's bolster wood or something. Bolster wood or something, yeah. Easily carved. Very, very lightweight. Yeah. A terrible, terrible thing. Sniff the cup. No, you can smell the cheap paint. Yeah, easily carved. Very, very lightweight. Yeah. A terrible, terrible thing. Sniff the cup.

No, you can smell the cheap paint. Yeah. It wouldn't work if you tried to open a lot of bottles with this. I bet you'd have the paint coming off in your hand. I worry. It's that terrible. It's a novelty item and doesn't do what it wants to do. And I would argue the bottle opener might snap off the balls.

Yes. At some point. Oh, that's awful. And it's your turn to guess first, Paul. This is my last... This fucking piece of shit is my last chance. Have a good guess to anchor me to something where I can get at least one between.

Please, Paul. I'm going to say 75p. I don't know why. Maybe I should have said a quid. I don't know. I want to say 150. Can I say £1.40? I've written 140.

Are you happy with that? Yeah. In that case, I will let you open the last one. Oh, God. This could either bring a draw in or a sneaky win for me,

but it all depends on this last one. Or a consolation between. I've got nothing. The best I could possibly do would be to draw now. Yeah.

Which is still in the realm of possibility if it's exactly £1.40. We've lost our game. We need to get our groove back. We need a break, mate. That's what we need. We need a jolly holiday.

A day out. Another day out. I love going on days out. Yeah, we need an office day out again. Ooh, foreshadowing. And the prices. I don't even want to look, mate. Fuck me.

What is it? £3.25. Oh, fuck off, Gaz. What am I doing? Drank and fucking cock shit. Well, you got two betwings. How is that? What? How is that, what,

three, how was that three pound? That's our most expensive item, the cock bottle opener. This is a sorry episode of Cheap Show.

Really bad. Oh dear. You got anything else to show me? Have we fuck? I could spoon some sauce up me. I have a win out of

this, but mate, I don't feel good about it. Why not? I don't. It feels hollow. You're better at this game than me, I think, Paul good about it. Why not? I don't. It feels hollow. You're better at this game than me, I think, Paul. Oh, yeah, I got two betwinged.

Well, you got one on the nose, didn't you? Yeah, but that's more luck than skill, isn't it, at that point? At least we've seen how some extremely poor, exploited person carves ornamental spunk into the top of a red phallus. Would you phrase it like that? To be in a situation where the only way to make money is to daily carve cocks into balsa wood

and then go home to your family. It's sad, isn't it? This whole episode just rigs of the sad tears of a dying animal. It must be a thing in Corfu, though,

the knob. Do you know why I think you might be right? Because one of the items that doesn't have a price is this. Another knob. Oh, God.

This is a glass knob with a bow tie. This is more charming. I wish this had made it. It Oh, God. This is a glass knob with a bow tie. This is more charming. I wish this had made it. It is more charming. This is like a little glass bottle with the... It has a cork in the meters area.

It does. Which is similar to mine. And it has an actual fabric bow tie on the... It might not have held anything. Nestling above the bollocks. No, it would. It would have...

Sniff it. Oh, there is some liquid in the bottom still. Sniff it. I bet it's like aftershave. It's to get a girl. Yeah, I don't know. Sniff it. I would have... Sniff it. Oh, there is some liquid in the bottom still. Sniff it. I bet it's like aftershave. It's to get a girl. Yeah, I don't know. Sniff it.

I don't want to sniff it. Pull the meters. Pull the corky meters. I'm trying! Hello, I'm corky meters. Give it a good twist. I'm corky meters. I'm going to push it through.

No, don't. I'm pushing it through. Mate, here's the alternative. Just let it be. Maybe opening it is a bad idea. I want to now. I have to now. No, maybe we don't. Maybe we leave it as it is. No, it's coming. it is a bad idea I want to now I have to now no maybe we don't

maybe we leave it as it is no it's coming it is coming is it it's coming everyone he's working the shaft of it it's not fucking coming

don't put your mouth on the cock he's put his mouth on the tip of the cock oh what's coming out what is that what is it it had liqueur in it

it's an anisette like an ouzo yeah have a little smell that contained ouzo What is that? What is it? It had liqueur in it. It's an anisette. Like an ouzo? Yeah. Have a little smell. That contained ouzo. No, it's brown, though. No, it's not brown. It's not an ouzo.

It smells like fucking aftershave and ouzo. It's got a brand name on it. Let's have a look. Oh, it says ouzo, yeah. Ouzo de cafe. I thought ouzo... Oh, so it must be like a coffee Uzo. No, Uzo de Café meaning the house Uzo.

But why is it brown? I thought Uzo was clear. It's not brown. It is, that's a brown liquid. Oh, maybe it's a coffee Uzo. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I didn't notice it was so brown.

It must be coffee Uzo, Paul. Yeah. Well, on that note, this has been a rather disastrous price of shite. Glass cup full of coffee Uzo. This has been a kind of disastrous price of shite. The whole episode has struggled. And I would argue the whole episode has been a disastrous price of shite. Glass cup full of coffee ouzo. This has been a kind of disastrous price of shite. The whole episode has struggled. And I would argue the whole episode has been like

the death throes of a dying animal in the woods with its leg trapped in a trap. Let's just get out of here. Let's get out of here. Let's cuddle as well. Should we have a cuddle? I think I need a hug. I won't hug you. This is a sad day. You've said nasty things to me. It's a sad day. Yeah, but it's all for japes

and just comedy bands. Is it really? I don't say that stuff to you in real life, do I? It's worse. What are you saying in real life? It is actually. Sometimes I really cut him. Anyway, see you after the sound effect. Bye! Right, we're going to keep this short and sweet this week. Thank you

for listening to Cheap Show. If you got this far, you really do deserve some kind of participation medal. Which I can provide by simply oiling up the hairs of my face. Yes. And going around to people's houses. Nuzzling. Middle of the night. Night nuzzles.

Leaving marks. Nocturnal leavings. Nocturnal smudges. Nocturnal oily smudges. Yes. And then I could put some scent in. I could rub my arsehole with my finger. I don't know what's happened to me, Paul.

I don't know. I know what's happened. I do know what's happened. What's happened to me over the years? I'm not going to say it because I don't want to be cruel to you. What? In real life. Well, what's happened?

Let's just get through this admin. I'm not funny anymore. And have a lie down. No, we're not. Our lowest ebb. Right. If you want anything to do with Cheap Show, if you want our social media,

if you want our YouTube channel, if you want episode guide, if you want anything, you go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. You will find everything you need there. It's your one-stop shop. And also, thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. We really do appreciate the fact that you do this. Thank you very much. And if you'd like to support us you can you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can

it's really that simple and also you can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com if you want to send like a tale from the dance floor or shop floor

or a story or something like that Paul what I found a note when I was DJing the other day oh

you know we like notes left on bits of paper that ask for requests yeah oh I can't remember wow this really is

our worst episode so on that note no on that apologetic you know another thing defeated note I know

another thing that makes this historic this is the first episode ever yeah where I haven't said E-L-I-S-N-I-D. We just said it though now, which gutted it, because Twitter might be imploding

and I can only date these episodes so much for future listeners. Can I just say E-L-I-S-N-I-D anyway? No. Please. Do it backwards and I'll let you. D-I-O-S-I-O D-I-S-C-O

Oh, you know who... D-I-S-C-O You know who produced that for Ottawa? No. The father of the guy who was in Daft Punk. Well, on that snapple-lid fact, you can now go home and say at least you learned something

from this week's cheap show. Oh, that's what you wanted? No, that's it. I keep winding this up. Get off me, Brack. That's on the note. So I find this napkin. Mate, I don't care.

When I'm DJing. Oh, my God. And it said, it's my mate's birthday. I just want this to end this year now. I've got this. You'll like this. I just want this to end now. It will end very soon.

Come on. It said, it's my mate's birthday tomorrow, brackets after midnight. Could you please play The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? He liked it. He liked it. That's one that's not a song. That's not a record.

It was released as a single. Was it? Yes. Well, that put me in my place. And on that note, I can finally say goodbye. See you next time. Thanks, everyone. Bye. say goodbye see you next time thanks everyone bye