CheapShow - Ep 341: The NeverEnding Cold Open

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

There are charity shop goodies galore on CheapShow this week when the Showcase rolls back into town. Paul and Eli have both found a little something special/unusual and have brought it along to CSHQ for discussion and evaluation. We “once again” get to hear about Eli’s upsetting obsession with Tomy toys and Paul “once again” dives into Saturday Morning TV for his own quirky offering. Grown men should not get this excited over pointless nostalgia that isn’t even theirs to remember! There’s a return to the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen with an instant noodle that invokes fond memories and minor embarrassment for Eli too. Paul just wants him to shut up and get on with it. There is also a long-awaited tales from the Shop Floor with a particularly stinky celebrity encounter! Eli may have been given a pre-show dressing down, but can he really behave himself when Paul is acting like a proper prick… and will either of them ever get to nail the cold open this week? Why not listen to them try? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-341-the-neverending-cold-open And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Ding dong. Come in. Hello. I'm the prick inspector. I've come to inspect your pricks. I believe you have one here at this location. Eli Silverman. Yes, that's me.

Well, how can I help you? Well, I've come to inspect you for your prickishness. Have you done anything pricky lately? No one's emailed me or anything about this. Oh, there was an email sent to eliprick.gmail.com. That's not my email address. I'm sorry. I've made a terrible error, sir. Well, get out.

I'll leave. Get out. And that's our cold open this week. It is. I liked it. It was clever. That was not clever. It was very clever

because, you know, it was subversive. You always do this. You give me a dressing down about the quality of last week's episode and how we need to do better and not get into bad habits

and then you produce a piece of the worst, one of the least well-conceived, unfunny things, honestly, I've ever heard from you. Hello, I'm the dickhead inspector. Is there a dickhead here? Go on, Paul.

That's me. Hello. Oh, hello. I'm from the dickhead agency. I'm a dickhead. Yes. I've been a dickhead now for 10 years. I haven't even got the badge.

Well, I'm from the agency and we want to bring you into the compound and then do experiments on you. A compound? Yes. It's a compound. Sounds morally dubious. I'm in. What we do is we put you in a jumper, a roll neck. Yeah. Okay. We test your

dickhead. Right. And we rub up and down on your neck like this. Nice. And then I go... Yeah, is that what you want? Yes, you do a chicken impression. And now that's our cold open this week. No. That is. That was me pastiching your shit. Oh, well, it was a very good pasting.

Ding dong. Yes, hello. Hello. I'm the unfunny cunt inspector. That's me. I'm here. How can I help? I've been an unfunny cunt for apparently... Are we looking for a... Oh, let me just check my list here. We're looking for a Paul Gannon inspector that's me I'm here how can I help I've got an unfunny cunt for apparently are we looking for let me just check my list here we're looking for a Paul Gannon

that's me he's the least funny man in a two mile radius that's me oh how can I help you oh it's glad to be recognised for my hard work I'm from the unfunny cunt agency

and they want they're fucking they want you back good because I've just heard you've signed Jack Whitehall and that's our cold open this week.

It is. Fuck off. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand.

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Well, welcome to Cheap Show It's the comedy comedy podcast where I, Paul Gannon, and my good friend...

Eli Silverman. Hi, everybody. Hi. We go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of this great country of ours. We look for the treasure to be found amongst that trash. And boy, howdy, have we got some lovely things for you today. Do we? What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, we've got a charity shop showcase where we highlight things that we found in a charity shop that we think are worth talking about

outside of any games, competitions or challenges. Part of the enshitification process of Cheap Show whereby everything becomes a binary, in or out. The ongoing enshitification of Cheap Show is in full swing. In or out. In and out. Again, you're doing your own little

No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I am not doing it. And I tell you, I will be disciplining you this week. How? Every time you do

a mad mouth noise, I'm going to put my thumb up your bum off. How about that? Why don't you get punished for any of the tropes like that one? I don't need to be punished.

I get arse damage, do I, if I misbehave. We have never been there before. How are you going to punish me then? I get arse damage, do I, if I misbehave. We have never been there before. I get arse punished, do I? So I arse punish you, the humour. Arse punish. Arse punish.

Would you like some arse punish? I need some arse punish, sir. Here we go with the arse punish. Right, I'll give you... I make a joke about that. What do you do to punish me? Hey, what's your witty thing? That's some form of...

I don't know, I get to make... Eli retribution. Eli treptribution. I get to say... Grahartley? No, but then you make a mouth noise, and so then I have to go back and stick my thumb up your ass. No, that's a word.

Grahartley's a word. It's not a word. Anyway, on this week's show, we've got the Charity Shop Showcase, and we have a Tales... We've got two Charity Shop Showcases. Well, have a Tales... We've got two Charity Shop Showcases. Well, no, we have one segment with two items within it. Ah.

Please get it right, or I shall ask you to leave the podcast. Pop, pop, pop, pop. You can't do that. It's a community reference. Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Guys go pop, pop.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I didn't mean it like pop, pop, hand, palms in the air. No, no, yeah. You meant it is, and thumb up the bum. Thumb up the bum. Thumb up the bum. Thumb up the bum. Thumb, thumb, maybe.

How about douche, douche? Douche, douche. No, that's douche, douche. We need to get douche, douche back into this. That's where we're going wrong. We haven't done a douche, douche in a while. Do you know what the home of the douche, douche concept can be? What?

When you get the double betwing on the nose. Arse punish. No, when you get the double betwing on the nose. Douche, douche. That's a douche, douche. Well, that means you don't get a betwing. You do. You get a betwing and a bedouche. You don't. That's a dush, dush. But that means you don't get a betwing. You do. You get a betwing and a

bedouche. You don't. You just say dush, dush in a joyous way. What about if you get, no, you get a dush, dush when you're out completely. So it's like,

it's one pound and you said 35p and you're out. Dush, dush. Like that. Make it a kind of threatening, I don't give a fuck. And elsewhere on the pocket. You've deflated that. I went in with the joy of the dush, dush. like that make it a kind of threatening I don't give a fuck and elsewhere

you've deflated that I went in with the joy of the you did the anti-jouge on the you failed to up the and that's our cold open

this week for the podcast and that's our cold open this week right and we're doing a Tales from the Shop floor. And I read it and it's only short, but I think it's worth telling. And we've got Eli's Country Urban Noodle Kitchen.

We're going to pop into the Country Urban Noodle Kitchen. We've got a micro Country Urban Noodle Kitchen. Just a one noodle segment? Just a one noodle segment this week. But again, it's a segment that we think is worth your time. We do. Noodles is always worth your time. Because we are a noodle-based podcast.

Noodles and sauces. Primarily not. Ghostbusters, noodles and sauces. I reckon if you stacked up a super edit of every time I've mentioned Ghostbusters against every time you've mentioned sauce and noodles, a super edit of every time I've mentioned Ghostbusters against every time you've mentioned sauce and noodles. I have enough theory that I will

have a very small amount of Ghostbusters content compared to your noodle content. Accepted, Paul, but I want you in turn to accept this. Yes. Accept this, what I'm about to say. I will take it. I want you in turn to accept this. I will accept it with both hands. You are the interlocutor and you will accept this.

Interlocutor? Interlocutor. Is that how you say it?locutor, and you will accept this. Interlocutor? Interlocutor. What's that? How do you say it? I don't know what your word is. Interlocutor. Tomcuter. Tomcuter. Who's that?

No. That's just not. Don't start then. I know. But what are you saying? What words are you trying to impart wisdom by? I'm saying I accept. Yes.

Just to recap. I accept. Douche douche. Go on. I accept that if you did a super cut of every time i'd said noodles or sauces on the show and you put it up against a new a super cut of you saying ghost busters mentioning ghostbusters yeah one would be much larger in extent than the other but also you know what you know what what is more larger in importance to the history of the world

sauces and noodles sauces and including condiments in that. And noodles. Sources, condiments and noodles, Paul. Or ghostbusters. Yeah, but like ghostbusters, I don't think is going to change the world, but it might be a bomb for some who really enjoy it. And it means more to them in their life

than a source does on a regular basis. Nothing means more than sources. Well, to you, yeah. Because you have a blinkered existence where everything in Eli land is fucking sparkling and fine. Show me someone... But from an outsider's point of view

looking in, it's like looking into a cancerous arsehole full of bats and webs. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, did we have to?

Yeah. Well, we've got a tale from the shop floor for everyone. Yeah, I've said that. Is that coming up? I don't know what you... What did you want to do things in today? It's up to you.

I'd like to do the tales from the shop floor at the first hurdle. All right, well, let's get that out of the way now, then. It's something that we both enjoy. Why is everything getting out of the way? It's like you want to die before you've lived. Well... Well, then, let's enjoy this. Let's savour this moment we're having.

I'm just going to savour this moment. Oh, this moment we're having i'm just gonna savor this moment oh this moment is so good chef's kiss oh dish dish i've judged it did you know judging um is polari no i did not know that polari word but doesn't it come from French for something, though? No, it's Polari. But they didn't take it from a French word. I don't know what they took it from. Right.

But they did borrow from French, didn't they, a bit? Polari. Oh, Campari. Oh. Chinotto, I'm drinking. He's drinking Chinotto, which is a orange bitters Italian soft drink and it's quite popular in Italy

the national soda of Italy apparently yes and drink it and we're done with that bit of information oh Polaria

oh oh oh oh Chinotto oh and I've run out of words to add to an Italian song. Listen, Paul. So let's just wrap this up now, mate.

This is the bit open. Wrap one up. We've set the stalls. It's a parcel of nothing. We've set the stalls up. What's stalls? The stalls of the show. We haven't.

Chief's show is a market street and we've said just over there is the stand for the Tales from the Shop floor and over there is the stand for the noodle and over there is the charity shop showcase stand and over there there's the charity shop showcase stand

and the market is now open. Ding-a-ling-a-ling, everyone. Everyone can go in. Why is there bells in every single... Because bells bring in good news and I've got good news for you and that is this Cheap Show episode is ready to go. One thing.

No. One little thing. Yes. Can I get a burger? What do you mean, can you get a burger? Can I go and get a burger? We don't do hot foods here. What kind of fucking market is this?

It's a shit. It's a start-up. What if I get hungry? I actually need a piss. Well, you can piss in the street. I can piss in the street. Don't fucking go, I can piss in the street. I've seen you do it. I know I'm pissing in the street. You've pissed in many streets, mate. I've seen you piss in more streets than high-vite

hot dinners. Again, factually incorrect. It's not factually incorrect. Any time I've been out with you in general, every time I've been out with you, I've caught you having a piss in the street in the corner of a market stall when we went past that fucking... Remember when we used

to do the brew house and you meant for many pisses in the market stall areas where they had those little antiques set I did used to piss up the market stalls there yeah so you've pissed by the bins

where you work you've pissed around the back of shops and stuff like that it's all coming out it's all coming out got your super injunction broken

mate can we just crack on well yes I'm not trying to do anything here I'm trying to be good boy I like it when you to be good boy. I like it when you're a good boy.

Well, come on then. Let's have some... Because good boys get... Douche douche. The double douche. And the double douche is coming your way. And that's our cold open. It's not, though. We've done the cold open.

I'll show you my cold open. Press the stupid cunt button. Sorry, that might have been my stomach. Oh, I didn't hear anything. Sorry. Well, you haven't got your headphones on. No, but I didn't hear anything. It might be on the recording, though.

No, I'm deaf. Are you? Yeah, can't hear anything. No. I just guess what's about to be said. Okay. Based on facial gestures. And I can lip read.

Oh, he wants a lollipop. Anyway, it's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. We haven't done one of these in a while, have we? Yes, let's just explain to people. Why don't you explain to people? Tales from the Shop Floor is an infrequent segment that we do where we read stories sent in by our listeners

who have had funny little anecdotes happen to them in the world of retail, hence shop. It started as just charity shops. It started as charity shop fodder, but it's blossomed into supermarkets, department stores. We've had libraries. Policemen. First night on the job as a policeman. Yeah, that was one of our darkest chapters.

That is honestly terrible. Kind of drew a line in some respects of other stories we would be willing to tell. Yes. You know, the whole punching down on the lower elements of society. It was in danger of degenerating into a bunch of sort of freak out video equivalents

of just sort of homeless people. We didn't want to turn this into a bum fight segment of the show. A bum fight, that's the phrase. It's not bum fights, it's tales from the shop floor. And it is and we have one this week that I think qualifies as suitable for reading on this week's show. Okay, great. I'm looking forward to this, Paul. Great. So this one comes from Brett, and Brett says thus.

Hi, I can't remember if I've submitted this before, but after telling my friend, fellow Cheap Show fan, and Eurovision entrant Morgan Kenning recently, she urged me to submit it, so I am doing it to make sure. Good. I don't think you have submitted this before. This is fresh to mine eye. Thanks, Bruce. Brad. Broad.

Wow. Broad. Thanks, Broad. Thanks for your letter, Broad. Trad. No, I like Broad. Chord McBroad. Broad McChord.

There we go. Thank you, Broad McChord. Here is... Brett. Is it Brett? It is Brett. Right, here's the story. I used to work at Dudley Zoo and Castle near Birmingham.

Please don't do the accent. Well, here we go. I'm from Birmingham. He's not good. Oh, no, is that Birmingham? You said it's Birmingham. Lenny Henry. It's like Slade.

It's like Slade and Lenny Henry and Jasper Carrot. Bloke. Birmingham. I can't do it. You try it. Say I am Jasper Carrot. Bloke. Birmingham. I can't do it. You try it. Say, I am Jasper Carrot and I like mopeds. Oh, I'm Jasper Carrot and I like mopeds. You see, you do a better Scouts accent trying to be Birmingham.

Do I? Than you do when you're trying to be Scouts. I can't do Birmingham. And you sound like Northern weird. I can't do Birmingham. Can't do anything. I can only do, which we've been proven in the show. Australian.

Australian. You can do one thing. One thing. In the whole of Cheap Show's history, you can do one thing, and that's doing an Australian accent. One thing on that, Paul. Do you know what I've been noticing recently? Whenever an American

creator, YouTube whatever, tries to do a British accent In a mocking way You know It does a British accent It's Australian Oh I was going to say

It's always spinal tappy as well No no They can't It does And I think there's a certain There's a certain part Of the American population Who actually cannot discern

Between a sort of London An estuary Call it estuary English accent Yeah And an Australian They can't They can't tell the difference To me To to them,

I sound like I have an Australian accent when I'm talking now. Oh, I can imagine that. And to be fair, when I lived in LA, I would sometimes be asked, it was weird,

are you Australian? And if I didn't get that, they'd say, are you one of those Welsh? Yeah. But I think that's because you've got a southern, slightly southern...

Tang to it now. Yeah. Which they mistake for Australian or just can't see the difference between no no um but i think that is why my australian accent is quite effective because it is actually close to how i actually speak so they probably think that's cockney i bet there's an american right now going i love these australian guys when they do those cockney accents yeah just like when they hear my american and every single americansehole shrivels up to the tightest bud possible.

Well, I kind of like Jimmy Biscuits. Although he is a real person and in no way a character from the imagination of Paul Michael Gannon. I think imagination is too strong a word there, Paul. Is it? From the bum hole mind. Dush, dush.

All my characters come from the dush, dush zone. The dush, dush zone. You're travelling through another dimension and then the pair of bollocks yeah a big pair

of bollocks fly by yeah a giant joint on an angle spinning through space right

right and we could do that gag for a while but we're not going to let's just get on with the story so they work or they used to work

at Dudley's Urban Castle which is funnily enough I think I did a psychic and science at Dudley's Urban castle the outside live show we did okay 2012 i think it was something like that so there's an old castle there is it not that old is it it's on a hill i think and then the surrounds beneath it or the zoo is it a pretend castle no it's a real it's not a real genuine castle but from when i'm like 1400 1300 i don't know

it's like most haunted on shows there ghost adventures it's a well-known haunted location it has a zoo around the hill i ask because a lot often there were sort of victorian follies that were sort of build castles you know not that so that was a genuine thing yeah okay so anyway let's get through to the story uh i used to work at dudley zoo in castle near Birmingham, and we had a celebrity guest visitor one day. The zoo had some baboon births and named one of them Billy, in honour of... Who do you think they nominated?

Who do you think they named it after? Think. British. Make it easy. It's British celebrity. I was going to say Billy Gibbon of ZZ Top, because it works as a monkey thing. Yeah, but it's not that.

Everyone note I said Billy Gibbons. Billy Gibbons. Of ZZ Top. Yeah, no, I got that. Everyone note, I said Billy Gibbons. Billy Gibbons? Of ZZ Top, the leader of ZZ Top. Yeah, I got it. The guy out of ZZ Top. Billy Monkey. Although it sounds like

someone you'd see on Blackpool Peasure Beach doing a summer show. Oh, I'm Billy Gibbons. Hello, I'm Billy Gibbons. Here's my favourite character, Wacky Mob. Hey-oh!

Et cetera. Wacky what? Bob. Doosh, doosh. I'm trying to think of a funny name. Wacky Mash Man. Oh, God. Iacky Mash Man. Oh, God.

I am the Mash Man. Shut up. Stop it. Do you know what it is about me? Just the ability to generate wild new characters from the ether. Crap. I've got one, Eli. Who's this?

It's Carolina Hot Tits. Hot Tits. I can't put on bras they go on fire no who's this other character I've got snatch it out of the air

oh it's Gary clothes hanger oh just hang your clothes on me yeah I'll put my hand out oh you can hold it can I take part in this

no no no I'm going to grab another character out of the air oh here it comes going to grab one now it's Mr. Gangle. All these characters, mate.

All these characters just grab from nowhere. You can't do it anymore. You've lost your seed. You've lost your character-making seed. You've shot too many blanks, and now all the spunk's gone. Oh, there's another character coming through. Oh, grab it. They're not coming through.

Who is it? Why? It's Cheeky Bird. Oh, there's another character coming through. Oh, they're not coming through. Who is it? Why? It's Cheeky Bird. Oh, Cheeky Bird. You already had that bird. Do you remember that bird? No, no, it's a different one. Does he only whistle

than this bird? Yeah, but he's a Cheeky Bird. What's he do that's cheeky? Nothing. I've got nothing. Right. No. Okay, so let. I've got nothing. Right. No. Okay, so let's do this fucking letter.

Right. The zoo had some baboon births and named one Billy in honour of... Billy Monkey. Billy... It's not Billy Monkey. Billy Ape. No, I'll just tell you. No, shh.

Be calm. Shh. No, I'm going to get this. Go on. Give me a clue. Well, Bill is the first name. I'll say that. Bill Gorilla. They haven't got a monkey clue. Well, Bill is the first name. I'll say that. Bill Gorilla.

They haven't got a monkey name. They haven't got a monkey name. There was another. Should I just tell you? Because I don't want this to be a 17-minute segment of you naming Billies of different types. I can't think of any Bill. Good. It was in honour of Bill Oddie.

I was going to say Bill Oddie. Well, you didn't, though. Stop saying that. I had Oddie in my mind. I fucking hate it when people say that. Where they go, here's it. Here's 15 minutes for you to guess. Oh, I still haven't got it. Well, the answer's Bill Oddie. Well you didn't though. Stop saying that. I had Oddie in my mind. I fucking hate it when people say that. Where they go here's it. Here's 15 minutes for you to guess. Oh I still haven't got it. Oh the answer's Bill Oddie. Yeah I knew that. I was

going to say that. Well then why did you waste 15 minutes of my fucking time. You bearded stupid cock. Wasn't 15 minutes. Felt like it. To our listening audience it felt like it. Bill Oddie has rough feet apparently. Well let's just get into this story shall we. So in honour of Bill Oddie,

it would have made more sense if it was Gibbons, but what can you do? Because of the funky Gibbon. Because of their big hit, the funky Gibbon. The goodies, big hit, do the funky Gibbon.

Do, do, do, the funky Gibbon. Funky Gibbon. That one. That is a record, a seven-inch single that infests charity shops. Oh, there's loads of goodies

songs that like... That one is the most... And you see Funky and you think, oh, is it some kind of funk record? But no, and then you see it's the goodies. Anyway, so I had the pleasure of meeting Bill Oddie on this absolutely pouring down day. Billy Oddie shows up with some monkeys named after him.

Yeah, because he did a song called Funky Gibbon. Oh, that's the loose connection. Maybe he likes animals and the money. He went for the money. Yeah. Listen, let me get through this story because I need to have momentum for this. Right Gibbon. Oh. That's the loose connection. Maybe he likes animals and the money. He went for the money. Listen let me get through this story

because I need to have momentum for this. Right here we go. Brett had the pleasure of meeting Bill Oddie. He stank of wet

dog. This is what he says here. Oh I love this now. So it's pouring down the day and he stank of wet dog but this isn't

the cheap show worthy moment. Right let me read this. The zoo had lots of old cottages on site from its history which are used as offices and the storage one of which was a very plush office

with a very nice bathroom mr oddy took a dump so bad in this bathroom that apparently the entire office had to be vacated for several days with the windows left open to clear the smell he cleared it he cleared it out that's it that's the story thanks for the entertainment keep it up thanks Brett

that really made my day oh fancy that and think do you think Bill Oddie like where dropped his gut to where they can fucking deal with that

and stroll down like Cock of the Walk? Or did he feel some like I've ruined my classical reputation? I'm just fascinated that shit can be that bad. I'm not. I've smelled what you two have dealt out in this flat. No, it's never for a whole week though.

You keep the fucking incense industry going because of your fucking bathroom disasters. Again, I've been piss shamed. I've been poo shamed. It's true. How much humiliation can I take? I don't know, 350 odd episodes worth? Anyway, that was a wonderful and concise tale from the shop floor.

Thank you. And I liked it. Thank you very much, Brett. That's going in our minor hall of fame. And if anyone else has any stories about celebrities who smell bad in person or drop horrible eggy guffs or anything that really kind of lowers the reputation of a well-loved star, please get in touch.

You can email thecheapshow at gmail.com. I like the idea of someone who eats. Yeah, but you know what's going to happen is, one day, like I tell someone on the shop floor one day Eli Silver came in to use our bathroom

and absolutely burned out the place why did I do that I know it was going to be bad I used to save it for homesies do you yeah you know it's going to be a bad one

like a grown up apart from I was in Leicester and you can fucking talk I was in Leicester you had a free flusher you had a free flusher that you admitted that free flusher is had a three flusher that you admitted

that three flusher is a courtesy one and there was a fucking stench in it ladies and gentlemen shut up it was solid air I bet there was a guy

you've heard of curved air it was solid air oh look there's Eli he's in that cafe Nero in Leicester oh I'm seeing him later at the live show

oh he's just popped into the toilet I'll wait till he comes out oh god oh god oh Eli really fucking stewed that room out didn't he seeing him later at the live show. Oh, he's just popped into the toilet. I'll wait till he comes out. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, he really fucking stewed that room out, didn't he? You didn't smell that one.

Mate, when you opened that door, it was like someone had popped open a sewer pipe. You dirty, grubby shitmeister. That was bad. Yeah. And to think, why are we talking about this? Why indeed? It's because of Bill Oddie. We're moving on. I bet

there has to be some kind of level of disease or alcoholism. For it to be that bad that they can't return to the office for a week. Maybe just clang to the fabric to the wallpaper. Imagine just the grossness of Bill Oddie's fucking terminal nuclear

chod bomb. I bet it looked like a baboon's arm as well. Like a baboon's neck. I've just dropped a hairy gorilla at the top.

Gorillas in the mist, mate. Talk about funky moped. That's Jasper Carrot, isn't it? Think about funky Gibbon. Oh, fucking hell. That's not a goodie. I'll give you that for a fucking fact.

No, that's good. Thanks, Brett. Thank you, Brett. Bye-bye, everyone. Bye-bye. And that's the cold open. And that's the cold open. Hey, everybody.

It's time for the Charity Shop Showcase segment of the show. Eli, tell us a little bit about what that is. Charity Shop Showcase is a part of the show where we pick a little bit about what that is charity shop showcase is a part of the show where we pick items uh that we found in charity shops and we present them to each other and then we decide as a team whether they are a charity shop showcase a good worthy item uh that deserves to exist or if they have no place no place in this plane showcase or no have no place. No place in this plane of reality. Showcase or no place? No place in this plane of reality. And would it be better to have never existed?

Although, did we always... I mean, I guess, is there a point to that? I just think we should bring things along that we like, that we bought, that don't fall into any other category within the show. That's bringing them along,

but then the judgment hammer does fall. But should there be judgment? Does everything need to be judged? The cleaving judge hammer of retritude. Oh, no. The cleaving hammer. You're doing so well. I think, listen, you're the one who started this.

I did. No, not me. It's in its showcase. I'm a good boy. No, you're not a good boy. I'm a good boy. You're not a good boy. Yeah, good boy.

I think the characters that you produced earlier were substandard. I think in time they will age beautifully. And I think I need to demonstrate to everyone... Oh, cheeky bird! What's that? You know what's a better... What's that, cheeky bird? What, Eli dresses like a drunk dad in a social group?

In a social group. Yes, yeah, like most people are. Shut up. He's a fucking idiot! What's that, cheeky bird? This bird's an idiot! up. He's a fucking idiot. What's that cheeky bird? This bird's an idiot. A drunk dad in a social group. It's that owl from months ago.

I can't remember why we used him, but I remember the voice. It's the chutney owl. It's the chutney owl. He must... Oh, there's some more chutney from the chutney owl. No, that's not what the chutney owl does. Oh, don't be so cheeky, cheeky bird. Well, you'll get us cancelled if I repeat that.

Cheeky bird. Do you know what the chutney owl's probably here for? What? My pens. Great. So, here is the charity shop showcase segment of the show where we give you things that you might like to see. I've explained

it. I explained it. Do you want me to recap? No. Yes, I'll just recap. No, we're fine. We're good. No, I'm going to recap, Paul. I'm going to recap. Just carry on. So, we bring in interesting items that we found in charity shops. We present them to each other and then, between us, as a team,

Shut up, cheeky bird. the cleaving hammer of decision comes down and some object it banishes. Cheeky bird, shut up. where they have no place. But other... Cheeky bird. Other objects...

have showcase. It's cat calling me, you fucking abusive bird. He's a cheeky bird. That's not my fault, is he? Is he going to call me a drunk dad in a social group? Just admit the chutney now is here

for my butt nuggets. But for your bum jam. The chutney now is here for the bum jam everyone. It's got a very sensitive nose and it

can smell my dick sweat from fucking two miles out. And what, now you're suggesting your dick makes chutney now as well. It's not chutney but

it's got a very olfactory smell. I hate where this is going. It's got an olfactory smell. I hate where this is going. It's got an olfactory... I hate... Let's stop. Let's just stop. My dick's sweat.

Right, good. My dick's sweat smells of chutney. My dick smells of chutney. My dick smells of chutney. And you can... Spread that on your toast. And spread it on your toast. You are knobbing on the chutney

and then spread it on your toast. And it comes out. And that is your allocated Eli's stupid fucking embarrassing regretful moment. I tried to say come round here. Yeah, but you see, when you force it, it sounds trite. It sounds fake. It sounds disingenuous

and it rips off our audience and shows that you don't care. Whereas I care very much. Isn't that right? Cheeky bird. What a racist. Right, anyways. You show me your... Oh, no, wait.

Let's play the jingle for the charity shop showcase. It is the charity shop little, little showcase. It's the one place where you can show your stuff. Come and come and come. Come on, come to the charity shop. Open showcase. Check it out. I'm Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim, Jim Pavarotti.

I'm Jimmy and Pavarotti, Jim Jarby. I've got a Jim Jarby army. And I've got Pavarotti. And what is your first item? We've got one each this week. What's Eli's first? Now, we have been, and myself especially, Paul, fans of the Tomita, is it? The fool.

Well, just say Tomi. Stop being a prick. They're known as Tomi. Just say Tomi. I'm not being a prick. I'm trying to be detailed. There's a company that make toys in Japan known as Tomi in the West and Tomita in Japan.

Tomita, tomato, let's call the whole thing off. And they do toys and games. Yeah, and we have a collection, well, I have a collection as well of some of their kind of mechanical activity games like Screwball Scramble, like YAR, like... Did they do the Kong thing? Rock and Roll Maze. Yeah, they did Kong Man.

Kong Man, which is a physical game where you try and get... It's like a... People saw it on Barshens when we did it on Barshens. People know what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also in recent years we've been sent... I think Event sent us those...

They do a series of cars. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A noodle... Pot noodle car. Not pot noodle. A cup noodle car. Cup noodle Nissan.

Cup noodle car. It's branded. And also Mr. Pootie Face or whatever he's called. Mr. Bomb Face Detective. Yeah. Strange, strange thing. But I actually really like that.

I love all of their stuff. And what are those... That series with the oblong-shaped... Oh, yeah. I know what you mean like that. I love all of their stuff. And what are those, that series with the oblong-shaped... Oh, yeah, I know what you mean, with the water in it. Handheld games. They did a whole series in the 80s. Oh, the Pocketeers.

Pocketeers. Yeah, but they also did, I used to have those, we never covered them on the show because we've not had them, but the water games they had. You know, it was either a tube and you had to squirt it

to get the things in, or yeah, it was more like a flat rectangle. And I saw one that was Pac-Man and it had a great big Pac-Man when you squeeze it. I remember that one. The Pac-Man's mouth opens or get the things in. Oh yeah, it was more like a flat rectangle. And I saw one that was Pac-Man and it had a great big Pac-Man. I remember that one. The Pac-Man's mouth opens all the ghosts fly in.

I just find that so fascinating where you've got a computer game, but then you're going back into a physical toy format. You're taking that and same similar with Kong Man as well. Yeah. You're taking...

Well, I mean, that was ripping off the iconography of the video game. It wasn't based on the video game Donkey Kong. But they do also... Because Tomy, I think, released an of the video game. It wasn't based on the video game Donkey Kong. But they do also because Tomy I think released an LCD or LED game. Like a watch and game thing.

Called Munchman. I think that was Tomy. If not it might have been Grandstand either way. They've got a different history to

a company like Nintendo but probably started in a very similar place. Probably except it's like when Nintendo dovetailed into video games they stuck with

toys and gadgets and all sorts. And they're still very popular today, mostly known for making very young kids' stuff now. Like the eggs, which I have two sets of, which are a fantastic toy for basically a toddler or younger, aren't they? And the grown man in his late 40s decided to buy them for himself and withhold them from a child's joy. And very much what I've done with this item as well, Paul.

Yes, you have. What is this item? This is a little Tomy toy, and it is marked 1988. That's another thing I love about the Pocketeers, that they date their toys. Well, it's not Pocketeers, it's Tomy. No, but they also have them...

Oh, yeah, they date them. And this is from Singapore, and I believe that's the same as the Pocketeers. They must have had a factory in Singapore I don't know I don't know what the history is but I love the way

that you can date this but you haven't told everyone what it is yet you always go weirdly backwards like here's this thing and on it is a tiny little imprint

which reminds you of Daddy's love going to the park Daddy love we're living in memories in my house special childhood

is Daddy love the drunken father in a social group? Daddy Love was the parental figure of the Beach Boys wasn't it? Obviously. Daddy Love. Daddy Love. Good one. Thank you. Now, it's a rabbit. See, I'm firing on a cylinder today, aren't I?

At least half a cylinder. Half a cylinder. This is a little plastic rabbit. Now, can I describe it thus? It's like a plastic taco rabbit. It's got the shape of a taco. Well, it is in fact a Transformer toy. It is. Because in this, I've got it in the folded up state now, Paul. Yeah.

And it is a sort of geometric shape. It's a semicircle. Yeah. But it looks like a little taco. I don't know. I think we want to do some research on this. But, because I looked it up through Google Lens and it said modular and there's a collection of others do you think and i think there must be some kind of thing you

can fit them all into you know like a like uh like blocks and squares blocks so maybe there's like a square dog and a triangle cat or something as well but it's not called modular so that's what i think it's in its its form shape. But watch the transformation. Up come the ears. Ears pop up. Then you pull down. Oh, its little body pops out. That's cute, isn't it?

It's very good. The feet tilt out. The feet tilt out and it's got little arms as well. So the feet and arms there. It's very cute. And if you want to put it back together, look at this little orange plastic button on his behind. And you do that and then it clicks back in.

Also, it has little eyeballs that jiggle around so the eyes move around. Oh, just so you know, by the way, Instagram and our website, thetubetour.co.uk, you'll see pictures of all this stuff. So, yeah, you can go look at it there. Now, I saw this in a British Heart Foundation charity shop in North Finchley where we started out for the quest, the original quest episode. Yes.

A lot of charity shops up there, you know. We've done a little tour. Some good, some bad. And it was £10. It was in the glass box, sort of, what do you call it?

It's like, in the window. Display item, which they often put their more expensive stuff in their shops now, because unfortunately people do steal things. There's a fucking Lego BB-8 in the cancer research

up on the road. 80 quid they're selling it for and it even says uncompleted and it looks filthy like literally like someone shat on it. Well, it's just how much those things go for.

Yeah, but again this is one of those things where they've looked online see one go for a similar price and gone, we'll do similar but actually the reason why it's at that price

is probably because it's in a lot better condition it's a lot rarer there's a whole discussion here to be had about this but it is they are becoming more expensive just like everything else so they have to move with inflation these shops don't they true but aren't you trying to shift stuff yes and also i think that i'm not saying they just undersell it for like a tenner but at the same time 80 80 seemed a lot for it. I don't want to get snobbish here, but I feel like sometimes the people that price up items, second-hand items in these shops,

aren't aware of the nuance of condition on a lot of these things and how condition is so important in achieving that top price. And the fact that vinyl is the ultimate example. I was going to say vinyl is where they go, oh, this looks like a rare album, whatever, we'll give it for a tenner. They'll just look at the top price on Discogs

and it's like, no, it's destroyed. Yeah, you've got a big scratch right through it but you're selling it for 15 quid. What happens is you get these gradings. You've got excellent,

I think, at the top or near mint is the top one for vinyl. Near mint, very good plus, very good, so on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what the rule is that you halve the price every step down in grade you go right if you see what i mean but

they can't do that they don't have the time or the energy to do that for charity shops especially when things are so random yes but they but you would agree in that case they should just have a blanket price everything's two quid then you get a deal true but then like you then you'd understand something like that lego set that bb8 one which might be out of you know sale now so it's hard to get hold of but it was in a mucky condition a lot a lot of it was missing and i think that you could probably get yeah you could probably get the exact same and better condition complete for about the same price on ebay i mean that's see that's the where they're going wrong and that's kind of the problem because like at first glance, you go, oh, I'll have that. How much?

Anyway, this rabbit was £10. That's costly on its own. It was £10, yes. Wow. It is from 1988. Have you checked on eBay? That's about what it goes for. Okay, interesting.

I didn't see any for less than £10. Fine. Okay, interesting. Is it, I. Is it... I mean, it's an interesting item, but is it a showcase or does it have no place? But before we go to that, Paul, I want to know if it's part of a set.

Right, we've had a quick look and I think I've found it. They come from a range of toys from the 80s called Tomy Time Chunky Changers. And this one here is a green and white triangle rabbit. I need that!

There is a... They're all rabbits, are they, then? No, there's a dog. Let's see the dog. There's a... Oh, God, I need these. Oh, no, that's an

orange and white cow, but it's square. I love it. I love their geometric... But look, I think it comes in a pack. Chunky... Oh, no, this is cars.

Chunky vehicles hidden in colourful shapes. So it looks like, in that instance, there's a triangle and you fold out into a train. They are Transformers, essentially, aren't they? Very simple. If Transformers are Lego, this is like Duplo version of that. Yes, yes.

But you didn't get this in Britain, did you? In the 80s. I never saw these. I mean, fuck knows. I don't know. I mean, we would have been too 80s. I never saw these. I mean, fuck knows. I don't know. I mean, we would have been too old for that anyway. I guess we would have, I suppose. Look at this one as well.

I'm not too old now, though. I remember this. Tomy Time Tutor Typer. It's a little plastic typewriter. That's fucking great. I collect Tomys. Oh, what's this? Jumping Jungle Pinball.

Oh, now Paul's found something. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Oh, it's like a little chunky Tomy Duplo pinball oh now that now paul's found something oh look at that oh it's like a little chunky tomy duplo pinball thing i love them that's fucking right you're getting that are you right let's take a break while i spooge my tomy time money now paul i think we should say after three uh whether this item is showcase or have no place or do you want to make a little end argument before we know i don't have an argument to make go on what do you want to make a little end argument before we know i don't have an argument to make go on what do you think i think it's a showcase i think it's a no

place because it's on its own it's a curio but if it was a whole set i'd be like yeah that's fucking great that it's just the way i am i don't i don't disagree with your decision jesus christ or his i don't i'm just saying it's a nice item. Oh. But it's not a showcase. No. Not for you. Not for me today. I'm going to have to start a different showcase then. No, that's fine. It doesn't mean it's...

I like it, but are you saying it's a wower? It's a showstopper? Nay, nay, nay. For me, it is a real showstopper. I love Tomy stuff. When I saw this, I knew I was going to...

If it had been 20 quid, I wouldn't have bought it. 20 quid would have been fucking steep. 10 is right at the top of what I'm prepared to pay, really. Anyway, I'm not meant to judge because my next item, a bit costly, but I'll show you. What can I just say now? What? There's no place for me.

Don't give a fuck. I don't even know what it is. I can smell it. You can't smell it. It smells of dick sweat. No, that's what you are smelling coming from the pants area of your person. There's a dick sweat fog coming up my nose. There's a dick sweat fog coming up my nose. There's a dick sweat fog coming up my nose.

Guffney Harbour. Guffney Harbour. Dick sweat fog. I'm going to let this play out because I know if I interject too much, it inspires him to carry on. If I let him peter out, then it dies quicker. I've got my peter out. That's the smell of Guffney Harbour.

Oh, I wish I hadn't now. Yeah, good. I'll teach you. Let's go on got my pizza out. That's the smell of Gaffney Harbour. Oh, I wish I hadn't now. Yeah, good. I'll teach you. Let's go on to my next item. It is the charity shop little, little showcase. It's the one place where you can show your stuff.

Right, now it's time for my charity shop showcase. Now, this is something I wanted to get months ago. You know when we did the Saturday morning TV show episodes? Yes. We talked about number 73 and going live

and all those kind of things. Oh, you've completed your set of badges, number 73 badges. Yeah, I've got both the saloon doors and the original front door now. And that's all there was. That's all there was, just the two. There was only those two badges. Just the two, as far as I'm aware. But, I've got them. But anyway, i wanted to get this

item for those episodes but every time i looked online because they don't this doesn't turn up in charity shops a lot um i got this on ebay for disclosure but i mean is it how can it be a charity shop showcase then because ebay is like a charity shop isn't it when you think about it except you haggle or you can buy that i mean i bought this direct where you just go i'll have that because it's selling it. Every time I went to look online, this was always like 50, 60, 70 quid. I'm like, I'm not paying 50, 60, 70 quid for it.

Why do you think it was towards the more expensive end? Rarity? I mean, this is a Denny Fisher toy. Denny Fisher. You know, British toy company did with a lot of licenses, board games. We've talked about this in the past. If that name sounds familiar to you the um dad's army game we recently played yes was a denny fisher game was that strawberry fair no

strawberry fair was no it was denny fisher yeah either way denny fisher yeah they did strawberry fair was similar company strawberry fair yeah i can't remember which did which anyway the point is no dad's army was definitely denny fisher all right well then denny fisher had the tv ones yeah that's what i'm saying they had all the licenses all the on the buses or yeah i think they did the gym will fix it board game on the buses one is proper expensive now uh depends it really depends on condition and things like that like i've seen job lots of board games go on ebay for like 15 quid and you get like 10 board games and one of them's on the buses and you think oh but i don't want to have like scrabble and you get like 10 board games and one of them's on the buses and you think oh but

i don't want to have like scrabble and fucking whatever and risk and stuff and also they probably haven't checked that it's complete and that's why in a batch like that well that's why this is a little bit cheaper because it's missing a few cards and there's a little bit of damage on the box and things okay which is why i price i got this for, I think it was 13 quid with £2 postage and packaging. So 15 quid in all. All in. And I can finally reveal now after, you know, teasing you, getting you all erect and wet at the tip,

I have bought Denny Fisher's board game based on the TV show Swap Shop. Swap Shop, which I never used to watch. No. It's got the Edmonds in it. It has the Edmonds. We've done two big episodes about Saturday morning TV. We talked about Swap Shop. Did you used to watch Swap Shop?

No, I was too young for Swap Shop. You never used to watch Swap Shop? Because Swap Shop finished in 80, 81, something like that. Oh, you were really young. So I would have been like two, three. I would have been six. If I'm being honest, it's probably Saturday Superstore I remember more than Swap Shop. Yeah, me too.

But that outlived Swap Shop, didn't it? Saturday Superstore. I think it ran a little longer. A little longer. But it was vastly inferior. You see, Paul, I didn't have a television in my home until I was five. We know, because you're a special boy. I didn't say because I was a special boy.

I didn't need to read until I was seven. Then it all came to me. Oh, it's no place. Sorry. No, anyway. So it's a swap shop game and when I saw it for years I was like

well, what does it do? Because to describe it it is a plastic base with knobs and buttons on with a kind of BBC swap shop set backboard to it. The artwork is very confident

and colourful, clear. It's got the Edmonds on in the top corner smiling. Is that prime time Edmonds? That's prime Edmonds. That's like he's mid-twenties early maybe late twenties here maybe late twenties. And multicoloured swap shop by Denny Fisher a great family fun

game with all the excitement of BBC TV swap shop it says there in quotation marks, but with no allocation of who said that. That's a sort of VHS video technique, isn't it? I will be honest, I don't think this game does capture the excitement of Swap Shop

because effectively what this game is, for all its knobs and buttons and things, all its bells and whistles, it's basically like Gin Rummy. The game is, you've got to collect a list of one type of certain items based on colour. It's just a collection of,

you collect sets. So you trade cards between players and what you randomly get out from the board because, I mean, I'm not going to get into the rules because effectively, the game is, you pick a button,

which is the switchboard. On the left-hand side, you see those nine buttons and that is your phone line. So when you press that, that was someone calling in with an item right and you have to collect three of the yellow type or three of the red type of item or three of the blue type and you get those like you would with gym room you'd be swapping cards and taking from the machine right yes the cards come out when you

press the buttons yeah because they're in this little little draw at the front and when you press number seven for example it pops out and oh look it's a record set that's red card oh and maybe you have two reds already and you need one more so you'll keep that but maybe you have the red or maybe the red still in the game okay you just have to collect little collections of cards i love that mechanism i that slots the card out the front. Yeah, it's simple. So it's got a toyetic feel. Yeah. Doesn't it? It's a game,

but it's got a very toy-like quality to it. Well, I like the fact that it kind of goes, who's this caller? Line five. Press it. Oh, I want to swap this

or keep this. But you just didn't think that's entertaining to listen to us play it, really? No, it is absolutely... It's absolutely not entertaining to listen to because it's like,

have you got red? But the second half of the board, on the right-hand side, is another way of getting a card. And what this is, is like your playing pieces are stuck on the front. You've got a yellow, blue,

black, red playing piece, right? And the basic gist of this is you rotate the dial based on some bullshit dice thing. And around the dial, there are eight UK locations. Carlisle, Barrow, Inverness, Chester, Gloucester, Bath, Swansea, York. And you take, let's say I'm red.

I'll put it on Barrow, push it in there, and then I'll turn the knob one or two times. I don't know what it says in the rule, but you turn it. And then you use your little red playing piece to pry open the Barrow thing. And underneath it is either a blank space, which is there, or it says, Cheggers is here. And if it says Cheggers is here, you win the card you want or you get to swap with someone or whatever.

Because Cheggers, obviously, on the show was the out-and-about roving... Suggesting you need to find Cheggers to get a card piece. He did that in more than one programme, though, didn't he, Cheggers? Yes, because as I said, no one wanted that fucking prick in the studio because he was annoying. Really? I'm not a Cheggers fan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Cheggers, even though you're dead. I'm sorry that I don't like you.

It was just a bit too much, really, Cheggers, when you think about it. When he was out and about with the swap shop, fine, but he was out and about for Saturday Morning Superstore as well. As well, yeah. As delivery boy.

Right. Going around. But there was no swapping back then. Wasn't he in number 73 as well? No. Okay. No. So that's the game.

You play it until you've got all the cards you need to complete a set of colour. There's loads of 70s things on there, like tennis set, toy soldier, Barbie doll, teddy bird. Yeah. You're swapping them the card. I mean, there's a swap shop element. You can see why it's desirable, because it's so nostalgic of the actual show you know yeah and even the items uh have a nostalgia because they're like that record player for example is a vintage piece

now obviously i like owning this more for the sake of i love the aesthetic of it it's got that 70s bbc swap shop aesthetic with the striped colours and the posh paws and the drawing. Notice how there's no Edmonds on the actual item itself. It's just kids. No, because they want to emphasise the kids that they're playing it rather, I think. That they're running the swap shop.

Yeah. And also, you'd have to, maybe you'd have to pay a graphic artist more if they had to actually draw a picture of Edmonds. Because those are just generic children that artist is drawing. Generic children. She's like battling, you know, he's on the phone and there's posh paws.

He's all dressed up, the boy. He's got a shirt and tie on. Yeah, because that's what middle-class kids who watch BBC in the morning would always get up. Morning, mother. I'm going to put my shirt and tie on and be ready for breakfast. Oh, look, Cheggers was in Carlisle,

for those who need closure. I don't need closure. I need Openshire. Anyway, yeah, it just says, once a player has collected a full set of six cards, you must display the cards

on the table for checking. If all the opponents agree that the set is complete, he is declared the winner. If two players collect the full set at the same time, the winner is the player who declares his hand first.

So that's it. It's like you swap cards around for various mechanics to get a set of six of one color disappointing lack of strategy or any imagination in the game design itself this is not uncommon like i think it's either strawberry fair or denny fisher also the morcombe and wise game right yeah but you know what that was it was literally like tic-tac-toe but with like their faces yeah i mean they're yeah or maybe guess who either way it was a very simple kind of board you rotate blocks and line them up or something yeah so like how was that like connect for maybe yeah but how was that reflecting the excitement of the comedy sketch show they did it doesn't and it must be hard to think of an original game that just fits some random format tv format

because you wouldn't you know Dad's Army for its faults did you know it can't get the comedy across of the show you got angry with Dad's Army

about the whole walls thing but I think it's better than the fucking bread game oh god the bread game I think the only problem with Dad's Army is you need more people

to play it to make it actually an interesting game if it's just me and you it felt like it was over real quick yeah it wasn't great it wasn't great and also so Paul in summary i do like the design of this yeah i just and because

it wasn't from a charity shop i think we need to keep the we need to keep the i've got it in a charity shop i'll just edit that in don't be don't play god with me i'll do i got it in a charity shop mate edit in earlier hello welcome to charity shop showcase i got it in a charity shop, mate. Edit in earlier. Hello, welcome to Charity Shop Showcase. I got this in a charity shop. It's the swap shop game. Well, I think it's shit. Not just because you didn't get it in a charity shop. I think it's shit. And it's not just in retaliation for you not putting

Mr. Bunny, Modular Bunny in. Well, I didn't put it out of spite though. It's a big difference. I'm telling you I'm not doing it out of spite. I don't think it's a showcase. And I do because I think it's a lovely bit of 80s hauntology nostalgia early tv british tv quaint weirdness and i feel this has haunted logical qualities as well this rabbit it's like it's would you see that in skinnamarink in the background it's slightly futuristic it's not though is it it's but it's a future that we've we've lost and also i bet they make toys similar to that.

You have to admit, the actual workmanship on the joints and hinges of this is unparalleled. Oh, fuck off, mate. You're not going to woo me by it's engineering. It's beautifully tooled. You're beautifully fucking tooled. Why? Because I've got an attractive penis. I don't know.

I've never seen your squirrel's nuts. When it's clean and it doesn't attract foliage. Wildfowl. Wildfowl. That's what you should call your ex-girlfriends, mate. That's really disrespectful. That's what you should call your penis, the warthog. I think they should call it the...

It's got two big fucking tusks on it. It can find truffles in the woods. I think they should call it... Can we end this segment, mate? on it. It can find truffles in the woods. I think they should call it... Can we end this segment, mate? We're losing it. Chutney cannon. Chutney cannon. Aren't you funny and original?

Well done. We ended the segment with another... Get that bird here to peck on my chutney. No, the owl. Do you want some chutney? Oh, he's regurgitating it. He doesn't like it. No, but that's what owls do.

He's going to make a chutney. He's actually regurgitating it into Cheeky Bird's mouth. That's what owls do. He's sapping your penis chutney and regurgitating it into Cheeky Bird's mouth. That'll teach you, Cheeky Bird, won't it? Paul, I have one thing. You know, owls make pellets.

Yes. It's a chutney pellet. Right, well, there we go. It's all done now. Let's end this segment because we're going on to noodles. Dick chutney pellet. Shut up. None of us showcased nothing.

None of us showcased nothing. He's the noodle doodle man. He's got noodles in his hand. He just rubs them on his gland. He's the noodle doodle man. I've come on this noodle. I've spunked on this noodle. I come on noodles.

I comes out my knob. Oh, dear. Very embarrassing for you, that, out my knob. Oh, dear. Very embarrassing for you, that, wasn't it? Oh, dear. Why do we go, oh, dear? What's that for? It's one of my tropes. It's one of my tropes. It's a shit trope.

When I want to undercut something embarrassing, you do. It's a shit trope. Yeah? Yeah. You know what else is a shit trope? What else is a shit trope? Over-reliance on spunk for humour. And I'm as guilty of it as you.

But we've got to keep an eye on it, mate. Because we can't keep doing masturbation gags, can we? How long can we eek that out for? I can eek out some spunk. Spunk is sticky glue. Anyway, welcome to the Instant Noodle Podcast kitchen, whatever the fuck it's called. It's the country urban.

I just thought that fucking dude, he just deflated all my hope. He's the noodle doodle man, he's got noodles in his hand and he rubs them on his gland. Oh, he's the noodle oodle man. Can I have a go, please? Yeah. Who's the chuffney? Who's the chuffney?

Who's the chuffney? He's in here now. He's in here now. Who's the chuffney, he's in here now. He's in here now. Who's Chuffney? Hello, everyone. Wide-eye squirting like flour. How can you squirt flour? It's a powder.

I can squirt flour. You can't. You're confusing it with dust, mate. You pump out dust from your fucking sad metres. I eke out dust out my metres when I'm having too much. How can you fucking ejaculate? It's like watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang backfire, isn't it? Hang on.

Bang, bang. That's either the engine. It's also either the engine. I think it was... That's more realistic in terms of what it looks like when I've spunk out my willy. Do you want to start from the actual top? Can you start from the actual top?

Yeah, but don't do the noodle oodle shit. All right, we'll start it again. He's the noodle doodle man. He's got noodles in his hand. Then he rubs them on his clam. He's a noodle doodle man. Well, at least you got the lyrics down. So, hello everyone.

I enjoy instant noodles. And that's all we have time for. No, we don't. And that's our cold open. No, we're going to enjoy an instant noodle today, Paul. We are, yes. We haven't enjoyed an instant noodle in a while, have we? Hopefully we'll enjoy it.

This is a noodle manufactured by Doll. Doll. They're a big Chinese corporation that make noodles. Living Doll. I'm just going to just drop all the gags.

It's good, this, isn't it? Doll. Ross Abbott's madhouse. Doll has a special place in my heart. Yeah. Because it was the first instant noodle

I ever came across. He's the noodle doodle man. He's got noodles in his hand and he rubs them on his gland. He's the noodle doodle man, he's got noodles in his hand and he rubs them on his gland, he's the noodle doodle man. Squirting his gloodle. When I was in boarding school, we were only, for some

reason, maybe they were in the tuck shop or something or the local supermarket, we only had access to Dole brand noodles back then. I don't think, all you had back in the 80s, in terms of noodles in this country was uh was pot noodles really yeah or bachelor's super which we need to do because i don't know we've done them and they were fucking awful and why bother thick gloopy mess that doesn't even stand

up to a pot noodle no really that's what i think i would much rather have any pot noodle oh maybe not any but most pot noodles over any bachelor's super noodle, but dull chicken flavor. Are they cheap doll? Yes. They're very much on the, on the cheaper end. Even noodles in these,

this market have gone up so much. Well, they've almost doubled in price. Yeah. What is that? A Brexit thing? Maybe it's an inflation thing. Yeah.

Anyway, you got these at your boarding school, but I did say, see some indomie noodles for three for a pound still so that was the standard you could get them

for three for a pound about a year ago but nowadays they've gone from three for a pound to two for a pound oh dear Brexit Britain

whatever percentage increase that is I don't think it is yeah I don't know work it out no I'm not fucking doing any maths doll noodle was the first noodle

I ever came across. Chicken Dole, which is a delicious... I just want to make sure you don't confuse that with ejaculation over the noodle biscuit. He means his discovery of these noodles. Is it the biscuit? I call it the biscuit. The biscuit. Yeah.

The noodle biscuit. The soggy noodle biscuit. Well, again, you did go to boarding school, so it would not surprise me if your penis was attached by a piece of string into the centre of a table that someone could just pull. What? Wasn't there a boarding school game where all the boys take a piece of string and they wrap it around their penis, and then

they, big long string, and then it all comes up from the middle of the table or whatever, and then you splay it out, and the idea is like, you splay out all the strings. You splay out the strings up from the middle? Okay, let me break it down. So I've got a special table. Teenage boys around the table. I've got a special table with a hole in it.

Or a table that has a... What do I have to do? Do I go to woodwork to get this string hole for my table? The point is... My wank table. No one knows what string is attached to what penis. And the game would be, you'd grab a string and yank it. And it might be your own or it might be someone else's.

I see. But they would go, oh, me willy, after you pull it, right? Like Russian roulette. Yeah. Like communal Russian roulette with penises. Yes. What could that be called?

I think it could be called next year's digitiser deluxe episode. How about Bill Shankly's string yanklies? Lob on lottery. Yeah. The ball bag bingo. Yeah. Now you're getting there. Now we're getting it. Lob on lottery.

Yeah. The ball bag bingo. Yeah. Now you're getting there. Now we're getting it. Foreskin. Foreskin forfeit. Foreskin fruit machine. The one-armed bandit.

There you go. There we go. Now there you go. And we'll move on. So this is doll. I was there in boarding school and I was introduced to this noodle. Derek Griffiths of Play School.

Not this particular noodle. No, but the brand, Doll. The Doll brand. And what was that brand that of interest at this time? What brand? What was the make of noodle that it was? I know it was Doll,

but what was it? Was it a flavoured one? Yeah, chicken, I just said. Okay, I wasn't listening. Which is the most basic. I don't listen. I think chicken was the first flavour that Cup Noodle did.

I mean, it's your base biscuit, isn't it? It's the most basic of instant noodles is the chicken flavour. It's like the ready flavour that cup noodle did? I mean, it's your base biscuit, isn't it? It's the most basic of instant noodles is the chicken flavour. It's like the ready salted of the noodle world. Yes, it's very salted. In many ways. You don't get a ready salted noodle. Anyway, Derek Griffiths' whatever. Are you going to tell about how you had sex with her?

Because we have done that. No. And you've done it quite a few times recently as well, which kind of makes me think you're weirdly proud of this. I don't think you should bring that up here. All right, well, then what are you going to talk about instead? She said, oh, it's really nice with chocolate, this doll noodle. Right. And I had it with chocolate, and I thought, that is quite nice.

In what way? Did you do shavings of it on it? I think I put some cocoa in with the hot water. Okay, like hot chocolate cocoa. Yeah. Or cake cocoa, I guess, or whatever. I think it was hot chocolate cocoa. Okay bake a cake cocoa i guess or whatever i think it was hot chocolate okay you mix it in with the hot water then put the thing in and absorbed it and it cooked the noodle and i ate the noodle and i thought that's actually quite nice and then she

laughed at me and said i was only joking and you did it well yeah yeah but jokes on her because you actually might have invented something which 20 years from now we'll see this kind of cuisine experiment de la art or something you know we made a sweet noodle as a special Urine Vision video, didn't we? And also, when I was a kid, my mate had a fucking hand blender,

so we made all kinds of milkshakes out of whatever we could find in the kitchen. Did you include savoury items in that? Yeah, I did like a mushroom milkshake

and we did a beer milkshake and it was like something we did every other weekend when we hung out. We'd see which gross thing we could make to eat. Like George's Marvelous Medicine.

These days, that's 10 weeks of YouTube content. But back in the day, it was good, wholesome fun. Yes. I think there's something to be said for the taste of potato with chocolate. And the Japanese, they have chocolate on their potato products all the time. They have, in place of ketchup,

they'll have chocolate syrup on their fries. They eat that all the time. What are we having ketchup they'll have chocolate syrup and their fries yeah all right then they eat that all the time what we're having today also side note can we do that chocolate recipe on a cheap show i think we should try we should try it i should try and find a dull noodle though a dull chicken yeah or at least get a plane because i've been hey how about this we get a plane we get a chicken we get another flavor we add the chocolate to each one and we see how it affects the flavor of each which um which goes best with chocolate. Yeah. Yeah.

Very good. Okay. Very good. See, I get invested when I feel there's a point. Thank you. And we can call it the experimental...

Well, it is the Test Lab Kitchen, isn't it? It's the Test Lab Kitchen. And we haven't done any massive tests in there for a while. We haven't. And today we are just going

to simply do a little noodle review of this noodle. Of what is it? It's a doll noodle and it is a doll spicy artificial beef flavour. And then it says in brackets, stir type. So do you remember what that means? It means you pour it into the hot water and then drain it.

You drain the water off before you mix it with the flavours. And it sticks. It's not a soup noodle. It's a stir fried. Yeah. It just says stir type. Funny. So how many bags is it? We need to open it now before we get into it. Let's not a soup noodle it's a stir fried yeah it just says stir type funny so how many bags is it we need to open it now before we get into it look but i did want to mention it has very fiery so it's it's emphasizing the spice and i can't help but feel that doll here are trying

to jump on the sam young yeah spicy chicken ramen aesthetically the package is not too dissimilar to the spicy chicken ramen stuff yeah which i thinkically, the package is not too dissimilar to the spicy chicken ramen. Which I think has been the biggest story in instant noodles in recent years. Yeah, shame that. Right, so open it up and find out how many packs it is and then we're going to hop and skip across the sound effect to the prepared meal.

Now I can see these aren't like Korean Samyang noodles because they're much thinner. And that's why I like those thinner noodles. Angel hair kind of thing like those thinner noodles angel hair kind of thing there is almost angel hair so look yeah oh yeah but it's not it's not unusually thin no but all the korean noodles i find have thicker ones that take longer to cook they usually ask for three uh five minutes in the boiling water rather than right um three and i just don't like them as much that thicker instant noodle right more the k the Korean brand. How many packs of balls? I'm losing focus.

Come on, mate. And if you want me to stay engaged, you need to spin through this. Now, this is very much like a Samyang hot chicken ramen. There's just one wet pack. So you get the water off this once it's cooked. Add the sauce. Mixy mixy. You know?

Very similar. So they are definitely doing a spicy chicken ramen clone. But they've changed the meat to beef. Okay. I think that's better. That's how they're distinguishing. I'd prefer that to chicken. Do you?

Yeah. I don't know why. I think sizzly beef is a bit more fun. It'd be a bit more interesting anyway. So I think it's only fair for us to compare this from what we remember of the spicy chicken ramen. We did the two times. Did we also did the normal one once, didn't we?

I think so, yeah. And they have all sorts of different sub-brands in that now. I'm going to need to seriously move on, because I am beginning to genuinely space out. So every time I think we're getting to the point where we can log off this moment, you go and drop something fast. Log off from a moment?

I'm logging off from this moment. You've destroyed your brain. Mate, I'm about to log off right now, unless we get this kettle on. You've destroyed your brain. Mate, I'm about to log off right now unless we get this kettle on. You've destroyed your brain. Yeah. Through social media. Yeah. Basically.

Yeah. You have no attention anymore. I've lost... Who are you? Shut up. Let's get a noodle on. Shall we get our noodle on? Let's cook this noodle.

Paul, what are you hoping for from this noodle? Beef. This is the bit where we just cut to the sound effect. Oh, I can't wait. Cut to the sound effect. Oh, I can't wait. Cut to the sound effect. Look at what they... No. Cut to the sound effect.

Okay. Say it. Cut to the sound effect. We'll see you after that for we're going to taste these noodles. Fucking hell. And we're back. Hot from the kitchen.

We've been in the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. How do you feel the process went there, Paul? Simple pimples. Very simple noodle and almost identical in its construction to, like we keep saying paul the very famous samyang hot chicken ramen uh noodle which is one big wet sauce pack one big wet pack and you drain the water off the noodle and then you put the sauce pack on it simple pimple and you mixed it what's the huff report reporting the report from the huff report that i'm reporting with now with

import i want you to report on the huff report that I'm reporting with now. With import. I want you to report on the Huff Report, please. It is important. It is important. And with great import I want you to... That's not a word. It is. It actually fucking is. As is the use of obtuse to describe certain things. You didn't say obtuse. I did. So, you can either go on

about it right now or you can eat your fucking noodle before I stab you with this fucking fork. Paul. Sorry, I lost with this fucking fork. Paul. Sorry, I lost it then. You did. Stop. Now, I just need to clear this up because you are being a mouth idiot.

That's rich coming from a fucking... Just a normal idiot. Gob clown. You can do something... Something can have great import, meaning it's important, but you can't do it with import. You can.

I absolutely refuse to accept that. I don't care. That's not true. Just because you refuse to accept it doesn't mean anything to me. Please, everyone, correct this idiot. Please, everyone, just fucking tell Eli he's a big, stupid prick. They won't, though. They will.

Why are you being so nasty? Because you just come at me. You've said that I smell bad. You pernicket. You pernicket me. Pernickety. You tried to say that my shits are as bad as Billy Gibbons.

I mean, you micro-correct me, which I hate. But Paul, you speak so much shit. I will stab you with a fork unless you tell me

about the hoof. So why don't you just do it and you don't have to worry about getting a fork in the eye, do you? I'm not going to do it.

Come on, stab me. All right. Ah! He's poked me. All right. Ah! He's poked me with a fork! Ow! Fuck you! Yeah?

Well, come on, man. I'm just not... I'm not going to do this now. You're not? Ever. No! Have I deflated you with my prong? He's actually been physically violent towards me, everyone. I actually gently jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-j I'm handing him the bowl. Oh, I've got a fork. Oh. Where did that come from? I don't know. Perhaps you armed yourself in the kitchen because you knew you were going to fucking hurt me.

It was on the side, just there. Right, it's fine. We've got three forks, but two mouths. Don't taste it. Smell it. I'm going to taste and then smell. Smell then taste. Nah.

Oh, God, you're being such a cunt. It's a little beefy, but there is a lot of pepper there. There's a lot of, like, chili, peppery kind of thing. I'm going to eat some. Ooh. She's a spicy. That's an interesting one. There's a lot of like chili peppery kind of thing. I'm going to eat some. Oh, she's a spicy. That's an interesting one. It's almost buttery.

What's funny about that? What is funny about me calling the flavor that slightly buttery? If you know, you know. Why? Because

it's one of your It's not. I don't say buttery a lot. Have you said it the last three times you've tasted anything? It's not. I don't say buttery a lot. Have you said it the last three times you've tasted anything? It's not. I've not said that. You have.

Go look back. When have I said buttery? Buttery. When? Give me an example exactly to the food I described as buttery. You can't. I was listening to last week's episode. You said buttery.

You said buttery last week. Ah, I reckon dush, dush, my friend. No, I'm sorry. Dush, dush. I will drop this, okay? Dush, dush. I will drop this, okay? Dush dush. I will drop this, Paul. Yeah.

But I just want to say, for those in the know, buttery is the new crumbly. It's the new sharp. Yeah, well, for those noodle fashionistas. It's you, fashionistas. Fashionistas, fashionistas. What's the word? Fashionistas.

Fascists. No. I'm a noodle Nazi. You heard it here first. Oh, this is a very nice noodle. They're definitely on every level trying to replicate those Samyang hot ramen. Don't you think there is a buttery aftertaste? Regardless of how many times I fucking use that word, do you agree there's a kind of

beefy, kind of succulent meat, buttery kind of, you know what I mean? I think what you're talking about, Paul, in your clack-handed way, which we all love, we all love the way you make mistakes with your mouth, but I think what you're talking about is the umami, a sort of umami, a mouthfeel. Yeah? Yes. So you agree?

I think it's, up front, it's a bit too hot, and it takes a while for the palate to recognise the beef flavour. I can't, I'm not getting any beef. I am getting a pleasing umami yeah there is that but for me there's that kind of like steak charred steak aftertaste which is funny because on the illustration it shows us a blackened steak yeah on the illustration on the noodle but i think the chili heat comes up too fast too quick and by the time like you've gotten over that you've got the aftertaste which in a respect makes you go for the second bite right

i'm getting that butter now paul i know what you mean you're got the aftertaste which in a respect makes you go for the second bite right I'm getting that butter now Paul I know what you mean you're getting that butter now it's in the mid palate the butter after the spice hits and the sweetness and the spice hits up front

then you have a sort of butter and then at the end it's almost like it's almost like there's a sauce like a kind of dressing flavour afterwards I think that's quite nice

I like that a lot can you compare it in your mind to when you've had a Samyang hot chicken ramen look I think that's quite nice. I like that a lot. Can you compare it in your mind to when you've had a Samyang hot chicken ramen? Look, I think the Samyang is all heat and very little flavour.

I couldn't think back on that and go chicken. Yeah, I think this has got more nuance than that. Well, this is what I'm saying. The aftertaste is what I think will bring you in for that second bite

where the other one's more of endurance of just the heat. I give it a noodle up. Don't try and shitify this, mate. I'm doing it. Noodle down or noodle up? I want a score out of five from you. I give it four noodle up. Don't try and shitify this, mate. I'm doing it. Noodle down or noodle up? I want a score out of five from you.

I give it four noodles. Okay. There we go. How many noodles do you think? Do you think that's a noodle you might prepare? Do you want four as well? Four noodles? Yeah.

Four. Thank you. I did five, sorry. Yeah, I did five. Thank you, Paul. No, that was five again. That's it. Really?

That sounded like three. No. Thank you. And I give it. Woo-hoo Paul. No, that was five again. That's it. Really? That sounded like three. No. Thank you. And I give it. No, get the chutney out of here. They're all back. I love that when I break you. I love it.

Because your body goes from like ready into attack mode to just complete deflated. Oh, what am I doing with my life? Paul, I'm enjoying your new rating scheme, though, and I won't give it. See if you can work out what this is. Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. You've done two in one then. You went noodle, oodle,

which is two. It's noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. That's four. No. Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, four. You can't go noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. I was doing that, wasn't I? That was doing fucking double noodles.

Double oodles. If that was out of ten, we'd be onto something. But then you'd still have, what if it was seven? Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. It wouldn't sound right, would it? Right, how would I do five then? Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle.

Five oodles. Five oodles of noodles. Paul, would you, canodle. Noodle, oodle, oodle, oodle, oodle. Five oodles. Five oodles of noodles. Paul, can you see yourself using your life choices? Yeah, my life choices. Everything that's brought me to today. And basically today's episode in its entirety.

I mean, in terms of mental health, I'm feeling better than last week. You are good. I'm glad, but I think we've got... Lood, lood, lood, lood, lood. I think we've got... Listen. Slowly turning into a...

Don't get your cock out. The chutney owl needs it. Does the chutney owl need to feast? Look, the chutney owl's been hanging around. It's been after my chutney. And by chutney, I mean my hardened dick sweat. Here we go. Give the owl what it needs.

There it goes. Satiated. God, it was quite vicious, that. Well, it does go for the chutney. It was like getting right in there. It was like your beak on his. It was just like... That's how it's evolved. He got a lot out of that.

He's got a very wetted beak. His beak has a kind of, I don't know, like a hook to it, which really gets under. Yes, and that's got a technical term. Does it? Chutneyers, truffle-ufflers. And that's this week's Cold Open. We'll see you after the break.

Chutney truff, truff. What's that trowel? That's it. This is it. Sorry, sorry. The owl has a chutney trowel. Sorry, Eli. What were you trying to say?

I was trying to say that physiological characteristic that you noticed on the chutney owl is unique to their species, and it's called the chutney trowel. Chutney trowel. The chutney, not chuckney. The chuckney towel. No, not the chuckney towel. It is the chuckney towel. It's the chutney trowel. It chutney, not chuckney. The chuckney towel. No, not the chuckney towel. It is. It's the chuckney trowel. It's old

chuckney town. No, it's old chunky king trowel. And that's this week's episode, everyone. Crickle cut. No, I wanted to ask you, though. What? Come on, let's end this episode. I just wanted to ask you, stop trying to fucking interrupt so quickly, and then we get to the end

quicker because we communicate. Well, you interrupt me to say nothing. It's like doing a podcast with the Invisible Man. Except the Invisible Man isn't invisible. He's just annoying. The Annoying Man. The Annoying Man. Memoirs of an Annoying Man. Today, I fucked off my co-host.

Right. I said chutney trowel. Where's a day? You can't say chutney trowel. That's your problem. Chutney trowel. No, you can't say it. You can't say it. Spot on. Chutney trowel. Where's a day? You can't say chutney trowel. That's your problem. Chutney trowel. No, you can't say it. You can't say it.

Spot on. Chutney trowel. No, not chutney. Chutney trowel. What is chutney? Is that chutney made from what you chuck out the end of your knob? Yes. Can we end this episode, please?

Chutney. Oh, I've chucked my... Chutney. Stop it. Stop it. Or I'll release the owls and there's a whole bunch of them is there

he's done several it's a whole tribe of chutney owls look they're all talking to each other it's a whole barn I think that one chutney owl got the best bit

of my chutney and then they're all arguing and they're fighting over scraps tonight yeah because there's no chutney left you're going to have your cock pecked to death by the chutney owl got the best bit of my chutney, and then they were all arguing. And they're fighting over scraps tonight. Yeah, because there's no chutney left. You're going to have your cock pecked to death by the chutney owls. No, there's no chutney left. Yeah, well, there won't be.

There's no aromatic chutney, fresh chutney. Please, let's just wrap this up. Come on, mate. We're doing so well. I just wanted you to know. I just wanted to ask you, rather. I like it. We've had that.

Would you have it? Yeah. Would you pick it out and have it? If I was having it with something else, like it we've had that would you have it would you pick it out and have it if I was having it with something else like some veg and things or whatever I think it's nice

spruce it up a little bit it's extremely spicy how about you fuck off and carry on eating it then while I'll do the admin so we can I can just quieten your whole mic

right now so you can slurp away like a fucking warthog warthog. Warthogs. Let me finish. Don't add. Don't amend.

Don't correct. Let me finish. Yes? No, go back to scarfing down your noodle meat. I don't want no more. Well, then put it down. So you're not like scraping at it like a noodle Oliver Twist. Please, sir.

Can I have some ramen? Sam, think for... I'm not doing Oliver riffs on noodles. Right, we're moving on. Please, sir, can I have some soy sauce? Right, next, we're moving on. So, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. Right. I'll do it.

No, I'll do it. Thecheapshow.co.uk. It's your one-stop shop for everything. There are pictures and videos and links to digitizer tickets and latest videos and all sorts it's all there all our social media links all there the cheap show.co.uk however if for some reason you've listened to this and thought hey maybe i can support them on patreon well you can we have a patreon page it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but only if you can years of extra content there video episodes magazines uh behind the scenes all kinds of wonderful bits and bobs for

you over the past couple of years noodle stuff and we're on twitter for whatever that's worth now we're also on threads for whatever that's worth so the cheap let's no the cheap show is on threads yeah cheap show pod is on you'll find us by uh But I'm still on Twitter for the time being, Paul. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D is Eli's thing, and I have run out of fucks for Twitter because Elon Musk is a fat-necked cunt. What a fucking cunt. What a fucking cunt.

It's funny. For some reason, all of a sudden, my timeline is mostly sex bots liking tweets from five years ago. I'm still just getting those products, those Wish.com style products. All that stuff. Hey, do you want an egg washer? This washes your egg. Why do I need to wash an egg?

But also, I got a notification today. I thought, oh, a notification. Yeah. And it was like, do you want to follow Elon Musk and get his extra content? Fuck no. Oh, what's this one? Notification. Would you like to stick a hot pin up your meters? Oh, yes, please. In fact, can I What's this one? Notification. Would you like to stick a hot pin up your meters?

Oh, yes, please. In fact, can I have more than one? You see, that's another trope, Paul. The hot pin up the meters. You love that. Why do you fantasize about it? It wouldn't be. Depending, if it was just a warm pin, it'd be quite nice, wouldn't it?

What I'm saying is, if you put it into the meters, there's plenty of room in most men's meters to get the end of a pin down there. So it'd have to be burning burning hot so perhaps you could say red hot pin down my meters or perhaps you could go around the back where the chocolate's made and that's this week's cold open we'll see you next week on cheap show no thank you patrons thanks i really appreciate it just say bye we're wrapping up it's done we've got we've got a decent laugh out of that i love i love you i love you goodbye bye everyone