CheapShow - Ep 345: The Miss World War

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

Some weeks on CheapShow, things get a little weirder than usual. This is one of those episodes. This week, Paul and Eli enter into the world of “Miss World” competitions. They’ve been given a board game, from the 1970s, that allows young girls a taste of a glamourous pageantry lifestyle. As they learn more about the world-famous beauty contest, the cheap chaps uncover some quite surprising facts. During gameplay, they’ll travel the world, putting on Vegas shows, auditioning for TV adverts and smuggling diamonds out of South Africa!! Who will win the crown? Whoever wins, we’ll all lose. Before all that, Juicy Jeremy has sent a parcel of pop, with three new, cheap soft drinks to evaluate! What will they make of Inca Cola, which is described as a “champagne cola”? Will the two limited edition Irn-Bru drinks pass muster? All will be revealed (maybe too much)! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-345-the-miss-world-war And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter (we’re not calling it X) @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

You're going to start? This chair's squeaky. I'm sorry. I should squeak it, but I never know where to squish it. You know, I should spray it, but I never know where to spray it to make it work. I'm sorry, have we started now? Is that what you're trying to say? We've started.

That was your jumping off point there. Well, no, I'm not. I never get a jumping off point, do I, Paul? Do I? Have a jumping off point, Mr. Silverman. I was going to say something about horses. You're going to say what? So not horses?

Eagle-eyed listeners. Eagle-eyed listeners. Eagle-eyed listeners. Well, no, you're right. You wonder why I don't give you a starting point to jump from? Because effectively it's like throwing yourself off into a canyon full of shit, isn't it? Let's start again. Sorry, I hit the rocks hard. What's the...

Are you telling your audience you've just done coke? No, what's... No, no, no. You've just done coke? No, what's... No, no, no. You've just... Oh, I've had the rocks hard, buddy. Yes, that's who I am now, Paul. Now, Mr Drug Taker, Naughty Boy Professional Maverick Presenter. I am not on crack.

I just want to make that clear to everybody. Absolutely not. What's the aural equivalent of an eagle-eyed person? Eavesdropper, maybe. No, someone with acute hearing. Rabbits. Acute listeners. Acute listeners, that'll do.

Just say that. You're on your own, frankly, at this point. I know. In so many ways. Acute listeners will have heard me refer the horse nozzle last week. Okay? That's all I'm saying. There's a horse.

Right. So. There's a horse subtext brewing. This started nowhere, went nowhere, and will go nowhere. I know. I've got no. So why do you think? I don't give you a jumping off point.

I can't even say I've got nothing because that would be something. Yeah. Your something is nothing to me my friend you're with your squeaky chairs that's just like me going oh I'm in a shirt oh look I'm in a shirt everyone wearing a shirt today isn't it funny when you put on a shirt

and then you go oh Eli Silverman's one hour special coming to Netflix this Christmas putting on a shirt Eli I can't get the shirts these days! Exclamation point with him holding a microphone like he's confused of its existence. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show.

It's their comedy comedy podcast, and you're welcome in. Come on in. You can't, you don't do, you don't say that before the, this is the cold open. I know, but I'm saying it now. I'm changing things up.

I don't understand you anymore. It's Cheap Show. The water's warm. This is confusing. You know what's confusing? Being a... You having no structure towards this bit of the show. It confuses and it wrong-foots me.

Good. I'm keeping you on your toes. I'm keeping your wrong foot on your toes. So can I please say, welcome to Cheap Show. Horses. Welcome to Cheap Show horses welcome to Cheap Show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse

people love noodles it's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept Cheap Show It's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept cheap show Off-ramp off-ramp off-ramp off cheap show It's the price of shite paul gannon

eli silverman welcome to cheap show and i go and i nuzzle yes it's that time of the week again where you settle down with your favorite economy comedy podcast The Cheap Show with me Paul Gannon and my good friend Eli Silverman boo boo disco drums

boo boo that's not disco it is riding down the range no it's not it's Donna Summer isn't it now that's changed though hasn't it

yeah because I didn't want to copyright it did did I? Do it. I love that sound. I really do. I love Bules and I love Dumb and Dumbers.

Did you know there's a song from the Thank God It's Saturday. Did you know there's a song from the Thank God It's Saturday? Did you hear about that big it would be disco crossover film? Thank God It's Friday. I don't know it. I don't.

Sorry. Have you ever heard of a guy called Neil Bogart who had a very big disco label in the late 70s called Casablanca? I know of it because late 70s called Casablanca. I know of it because I've got a Casablanca record down there. You know the one that's the orange vinyl, see-through orange vinyl thing.

But the song is awful, so. I mean, there were some great acts on Casablanca, such as Cameo. Yeah. Ow! No, before that era, the late 70s Cameo. Ow! And Funkadelic.

And Grand Funk Railroad or something? No, that's a rock band. Is it? There was one rock band on Casablanca. Really? Kiss. Oh, really? Kiss?

The notorious sellouts. Yeah, terrible. Wow. But Neil Bogart was obsessed, obviously, with Humphrey Bogart and Casablanca. Yeah, that's where I made the obsession. Anyway, I think... Obsession? Object Yeah, that's where I made the obsession. Anyway, I think... Obsession? Objection? That's where I made the connection.

Wait, I want to say that sentence nice. That's how I made the connection. Now go on. They attempted to... Because he wanted to have a film company as well. It to be a big film company as well. So they had this big flop that was going to be the huge disco event sort of film.

Thank God it's Friday. It was all about going out dancing, disco dancing. And Diana Ross was on it. Lots of big names were on the soundtrack. And it's like a double LP you sometimes see in the charity shops. I think I might have seen that in a charity shop, yeah. But there's a Diana Ross tune on it. It's totally trying to ape the Moroder sound.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's interesting. I picked it up on 7 the other day. Oh, well, why don't you shut up? Because I don't give a fuck. And you tell me about your tales from the dance floor, which is more appropriate.

Talking of dance music, what's the point of talking about Casablanca label? Why did that come up? Because you were going... Yeah, but that was just a nice little chagrin for our mouths. You said, I love it. Yeah, but I don't care about the details. Well, you might be interested in this record that is aping it.

Anyway, we're recording it in the Harrow House of Horror this week. Harrow. So the acoustics are a bit different. Yeah, no, it's good. Funny. Funny stuff. Paul. Yeah?

It's time for an infrequent but extremely popular segment of the show, known as... Paul dies every week while Eli recounts something more from his dreary, repetitive life. Tales from the dance floor. All that, yeah. So I was DJing on Friday, okay? No, don't... No.

I haven't done that in a while. I don't want you to do it ever again. This is giving me an anxiety thing. I'm having an anxiety... He's having an anxiety thing. He doesn't an anxiety. He's having an anxiety thing. He doesn't like it when I do it. He's going to do a Tales from the Shop floor now because that's how he sees things.

Dance floor, you twat. It wouldn't even be called Tales from the Shop floor if Tales from the Dance floor didn't exist. This is primo, cheapo, show-o, mate-o. All right, well then, how about-o? You fuck-o, off-o, right now-o. Mate-o, if you... If you don't-o give-o me a chance-o, I'm not going to do it. I-o give you-o a chance-o to do-o the tail-o of the dance-o floor-o.

Give me-o a chance-o. I just want one more. Can-et-o. Oh, that ruined it. Ruined it completely. Oh, well. Right, tell us your tales from the dance floor, then. Oh, that ruined it. Ruined it completely. Oh, well. Right, tell us your tales from the dance floor then. Go on, do it.

A lady came in. Oh, a lady. She came over. Where was this? Where? This was the Discount Suit Company. I said that too loud. Where was this?

The Discount Suit Company. The Discount Suit Company, near the Bricklanes, isn't it? It's near there? Not really. It's much more. Liverpool Street, isn't it? Petticoat Lane is where it is. Oh, yeah. Petticoat Lane. Oh, it's very near Bricklane., isn't it? It's near there? Not really. It's much more. Liverpool Street, isn't it? Petticoat Lane is where it is. Oh, yeah.

Petticoat Lane. Oh, it's very near Brick Lane. Sorry. I guess. No, it's three or four minutes on foot to Brick Lane. Fine. Anyway, you're there at the discount suit company doing your set, and a lady comes down the stairs.

Two ladies and one bloke, who I think was going out with one of the ladies. Right. Good. And she came over, and she went, do you take requests? And I was like, yeah, you know, yes. All right. That's the first thing I say these days. I'm a reformed requests? And I was like, yeah, you know, yes. All right. That's the first thing I say these days. I'm a reformed character.

I'm not just going to, you know. You're a reformed mind. I am a reformed character. Yes, I will. I mean, and then she said, oh, can you do soul to soul? And I went, no, I haven't got that. Then she went away. Like back to life.

Yeah. Back to life. She put back to life on her phone and, yeah, showed me that. Right. So you didn't, right. So no soul to soul here. I didn't me that. Right, so you didn't... No soul to soul here. I didn't say that.

I said, no, I do not have... Bananas. I don't have those records. Yeah, you don't have them. I don't have them. Sorry, darling. Two minutes later. Yeah, she comes back.

However do you want me? She's singing to me. However do you need me? How? However do you want me? However. Are you trying to say it's quite a tune then? It is. I think it's a fine tune. Why don't you have it? I. Are you trying to say it's quite a tune then? It is.

I think it's a fine tune. Why don't you have it? I want to hear it right now. Because it was peak CD for one thing. Okay, so peak CD. You could get it on vinyl very easily.

Yeah, probably. It's just too... All right, you don't have it. Okay, good, fine. She comes up, she's singing it. What did you do? I said, no, I don't have that.

Then she came back a third time and said, however do you want me or something? And I was said, no, I don't have that. And then she came back a third time. Oh, no. And said, however do you want me or something? And I was like, no, no. And I actually raised my voice on this third occasion. Because it was just like, you are literally asking for the same thing over and over again. That's what happens to people when they get drunk.

They start this repetitive. Yeah. And they just keep saying the same thing over and over again. Do they think they can change reality by getting more drunk? I mean, I must have been like that when I'm pissed sometimes. You've been like that on this podcast. Just think about it.

Eli's been a bit drunk on this podcast before, sometimes every week. Oh, shut up! It's about time I bring this up. Your drink problem. You could count on the fingers of one hand how many times I've been drunk on this podcast. If that hand belonged to Wobble Monster III

from the planet Goobalon, we've got 20,000 fingers. They have 20,000 fingers. So that's how many times. Okay, let's just take that number. 20,000. That's how many times I've been drunk on the podcast. And we're on what number podcast are we?

4,000. Basic maths issue with your bits. I'm talking about time. Maths issue with your bits. thousand. Basic maths issue with your bits. I'm talking about time. Maths issue with your bits. I've got math issue with my bits. Well, if you have an ointment for that, I will take it. I've got fucking more than an ointment, mate.

Anyway. You know what I do have for your bits? Your maths problem with your bits. Glooby lube. Not glooby lube, or else you could fill this with glooby lube because it is a modular design which can take any kind of ointment

Or medical Medical application Medical applications yeah Liquid medical applications You know what I'm getting to I'll be honest with you I am tuning out Of this conversation again

You know what I'm getting to Yeah What am I getting to You say it Love juice No No Think Think what am I getting at Noodle splash no oh here we go i stand corrected later

i've done the sign i bet you at home knew what he was talking about and i was too slow to take it was a poultice situation anyway and she um this chair's too squeaky she and it wasn't just me she was annoying because she started to because they they have like an iPad where they do the, it works as the cash register in this venue, just like on a little thing. She was scrolling through that. She started to touch it. And the bartender, he wasn't having any of that.

He's like, no, no, no. Stand back. However do you want me. However do you need me. And then I DJed the next night. Yeah. In Leytonstone. Yeah.

That's the story then, that one. She's just a bit of a, just a bit annoying. Fine, okay. And a guy came over and went, could I look through your records? Oh, dear. And then possibly request from that. That's an interesting proposition

because obviously the answer's no. That's why I wanted to bring it up, okay, Paul? Because I wanted to sort of open that up. Because I said no. Don't root through my box. I don't like people touching my records. And here's the thing. More likely than not,

they're going to say, oh, why don't you have Soul to Soul? Yeah, this is... I'm not here for you to say, oh, why don't you have Soul to Soul? I'm not here for you to judge my record collection. I'm here for you to judge my selection of my record collection. Hey, what you could do is print it all out and then have it next to the DJ booth. And if people say that's what I've got, mate. This is my list, yeah.

This is my list. Too much work. Yeah, it is, isn't it, for you? You lazy shitbag. Well, look, if you're a laptop DJ, that's just already there done for you. Yeah. That, if you're a laptop DJ, that's just already there done for you. Yeah.

That's like saying to a laptop DJ, can I just scroll through your file? Yeah. You know? Yeah, but you print it out, don't you?

You print it out. So I should have a little mini printer scanner thing? No, just have a printout already in advance. No, I can't do ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. No, because you still have

to type in the things, don't you? Come over, I go ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Yeah, no. It's like having Michael Winslow in the things, don't you? Come over. I go... Yeah. No. It's like having Michael Winslow in the studio with me. What do you want from me? Printer?

Yeah. Can you give me printer, please? Oh. It's just like being in an office. Anything else at all? Yeah. I would like you to the sound effect of a traffic light going from red to amber. It's good.

Very emotional. All right. Give me a sound effect. Oh, shh. She's listening. No, don't good. Very emotional. All right, give me a sound effect. Oh, shh, she's listening. No, don't bring her into it. All right. She's,

all right, she said, could you do a man falling on his hands and knees after being pushed over by a rough policeman? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, pig. How about that? And you could sample that for your podcast.

We should do that. We should make sound effects, bespoke sound effects for people. I'm up for bespoke sound effects. Give me one. To do? Yeah, I'll do one. Do like someone crushing a grape.

All right. It's not bad. A bit mucky. I felt that there was a whiff of the bog about that. Okay, let me do another one. A squelchy bog. That was a squelchy grape. Let me give you...

I just want to pop a little. Okay, let me try that. Okay, let me do another one. A squelchy bog. That was a squelchy grape. Let me give you... I just want to pop a little... Okay, let me try that. Okay. That's not reading grape for me. Oh dear. Well, I tried.

Ooh, now. Michael Wendlow's on the phone. He's going to sue. What's coming up on the show, Paul? Now, what do you think? I tell you,

we've got a package that's come from a JJ to box with JJ written on it. I don't know what that I tell you we've got we've got a package that's come from a JJ it's a box with JJ written on it I don't know I don't know what that is but we're going to open it and then we've got

a Gannon's Golden Games because we were given at the Digi Life show a board game and it is a Denny Fisher game and it's called the Miss World game so we'll

be playing for Miss World later it's an old 70s game and we'll be playing with her a little bit later in the show Problem Attic Problem Attic Never can get world later it's an old 70s game and we'll be playing with her a little bit later in the show problem attic oh What's that?

You did that. What's that called? That's the Chinese thing. It's something like that. I don't know. They've all got terms, haven't they? We've been through this before, and every time you bring it up again,

I completely forget what those terms are. One's called a dime and a haircut, two bits. Or there's a shave and a haircut, two bits. Yeah, there's that one. This is 13 minutes, and I want this to stop. You know what people probably don't enjoy? I know people. You being the fun warden and countdowning the fun.

Illu, illu, illu, I am the fun warden, sir. Pull your pants up right now, sir. Oh, do I have to? Because I was having so much fun. I am the fun warden, sir. Pull your pants up right now, sir. Oh, do I have to? Because I was having so much fun. Yes, but you know, I am the fun warden. And I don't want to see your winky in this Smith's Toys Superstore, sir.

I am on fire today. Get a hose and put me out because I'm on fire. Prick me with a sausage because I am done. Turn me over. I've been baked. Smack my lemons with a peasy peasy pad. How about that?

Peasy peasy pad? It's my new poultice. The peasy peasy pad. Why? We both went to poultice from peasy pad. Paul's peasy peasy pad. Get it now. It's lemony and fresh. And it's a modular poultice. Paul's Peezy Peezy Pad. Get it now. It's lemony and fresh. And it's a modular poultice. We have to stop this now.

Right, mate. I don't know what's in this box, but it's got JJ written on it and it's been sent to our PO thing. Hang on. Let me just open this up now. Hang on. Oh, hang on. Oh, hang on.

What's it got in it? There's a couple of drinks in here and a note. It just says, hi boys. What does that mean? There's a couple of drinks. What, JJ? That's ringing a bell, isn't it? I'm just going to, can we pause it?

Because I've got a phone call coming through here. Oh, mate, no, take your phone off. No, but I've been getting these. I've got to answer this. All right, take it now, but Can we pause it? Because I've got a phone call coming through here. Oh, mate, no. Take your phone off. No, but I've been getting these. I've got to answer this. All right, take it now. But I can pause it or whatever. Edit it out. Just take the call.

Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, of course. Who is it? Put it on speaker. No, because he's in hiding. He doesn't want to... Who is it?

It's Juicy Jeremy. Oh, shit. Yeah, give it here. He wants to talk to you, Paul. All right, I'll speak to him. All right, hang on. I don't know why you're giving me a problem. It's audio form. I know, but, give it here. He wants to talk to you, Paul. All right, I'll speak to him. All right, hang on. I don't know why you're giving me a prize. Audio, it's audio form.

I know, but it's play acting. It did help a bit. All right. Hello, is that you, Jeremy? Oh, hello, Paul? Yeah, that's me. You all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, a little bit hungry. But how are you boys? You boys been keeping your old tootsies all wrapped up well? Yeah, our tootsies have been wrapped up very well. Well, I'm in... Where are you then? I'm in... I can't really say because since the Redknob Day incident, we've all been kind of keeping low, you know, because I tell you what,

the Milton Keynes area... What, the Milton Keynes area. What about the Milton Keynes area? That's where I am, and the sody pop out here, oh, it's so poor. Not like in the old days, my daddy used to make the sody fresh from the sody pop well.

Well. You should have seen the spigot, the old-timey syrup spigot he had on the side of that well. And it'd come up naturally fizzy. Wait, you had naturally fizzy occurring soda syrups? Yeah, yeah, that's right. It was the first in all of old-timey Oklahoma. Why are you living in your jalopy then or something?

No, the jalopy's in a safe place. But anyway, I sent you that box. Oh, this is from you. I guess this makes sense. You sent a few drinks to us. Some sody pops in there because I still need the feedback on the sody pops. All right, well, we've got these sody pops and we'll give you a feedback on it. Now, there's no number on this thing.

How do we call you back? Don't bother calling me back. This is what they call a burning phone. A burning phone. Oh, yeah, now I know what you mean. Yeah, a burning phone. So it won't be available on this number after, but I've left detailed instructions in the old boxy box.

It has a little drop point. What does that mean? Well, you go to a certain corner in Bletchley. What happens in Bletchley? You drop off your scores for the sodium. Oh, okay. So we can't call you back or you can't call us, but we have to go all the way to fucking Bletchley

and leave a note where? There's a detailed instruction in the box. All right, I'll check the notes. I'll check the notes. Hang on. Hang on, right. You've just written the word Bletchley. There's a corner in Bletchley.

You won't... You didn't write anything other than Bletchley. It just says go Bletchley. Go Bletchley. Yeah, but you make it sound like a sports team, you fuck. Anyway, my boys, really can't stay on for long. We don't know who'll be monitoring the old timey radio waves. Let me say just one thing before I go.

Jewelikers, that's what I wanted to say. Oh, Jewelikers. Jalopy. Right, well, I'm going to hang up, and we're going to do these things, and then we're going to write it up and fucking deliver it to Bletchley. Okay, thanks very much, boys. You're my boys. All right.

Oh, my boys, my boys. Bye-bye, my boys. Beep. Oh, my boys, my boys. Bye-bye, my boys. Beep. Oh, yeah, Eli, you were silent for most of that for some reason. Well, I couldn't hear what he was saying. What was he saying, Paul? Fair enough. That was the thing we were doing.

He was saying, bye, boys, my boys. Here's some drinks. Have them and fucking write me a letter and post it to Bletchley. Yeah, Bletchley, yeah. Why Bletchley? I like to Bletchley. Yeah, Bletchley, yeah. Why Bletchley? I like saying Bletchley. I do. Do you know where Bletchley is?

Is it next to Blotchley? It's just south of Milton Keynes. Okay, so it's a Milton Keynes based... It's basically the southern tip of Milton Keynes. Wasn't that the place where they had the code breaking house or something? That's right. Bletchley. Hey, what has that got a relation to?

Is there a code thing? I don't know. Because Juicy Jeremy did say to me sometimes, that's where he said, he mentioned that's where we need to drop the scores. Yeah, he said,

literally there's a note in there that says send scores to Bletchley. But no, like, corner of the street or park. He did say that he had ancestors who were like

active in the Bletchley area. Well, in the CIA. Really? During the Second World War, yeah. Juicy Jeremy. Didn't I see him on stage recently trying to steal recipes from someone? Didn't I see him in Digi Live stealing recipes?

That seemed to be him. From Piccadilly Lily. Yeah, that seemed to be him. Yeah. There's a lot of that about, isn't there? A lot of high-pitched characters drinking muck. What's all that about, isn't it? Well, you know, Juicy Jeremy just gets us to drink the muck. What's all that about, innit? Well, you know,

GC Jeremy just gets us to drink the muck. Talking of which... Talking of which, we have some muck to drink today. We do. We're going to tell you what they are very briefly and then we're going to take a quick break and come back with some ice because we know how important that is to our listeners

that we have fucking ice. Ice? Come on, it's better. It is a better way of tasting a soda. On a side note... If it's not chilled. If it's chilled from the fridge Then that's fine

It wasn't though But we do need ice Because these aren't chilled Side note Vanilla ice What a fucking awful artist he is And was And will probably always be

Are you saying this Because he's Lurched rightward No I've seen Because I bought an album With one of his tracks on And it was fucking awful

He took Play that funky music, White Boy. Yeah. And stripped out the important part of the song, which is the funk part of the song. I remember that one.

And it's like, it's rapping so like lazy. I am the man with the ice machine. Come over here. I'll make you my dream. I'm a rapper, rapper, a rap all day.

It is fucking that basic. And then on the same Now album, there's MC Hammer, Pray, or That's Why We Pray, whatever that track's called. And for whatever people say about MC Hammer,

that's a fucking proper song, that one, with some reasonably okay lyrics and patter. MC Hammer was an infinitely better rapper than Vanilla Ice. I don't think this is

a controversial point of view. I've been sitting on this for years now, and I'm glad I finally got to get it off my chest. MC Hammer is better than Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice was essentially a one-hit wonder. No, he had Turtle Rap.

Don't you forget that. Turtle Rap wasn't a hit. Go, Ninja. Go, Ninja. Go. Also, in that song we just mentioned, he goes, go, white boy. Go, white boy.

Go. In another song I heard on the radio recently, he goes, go, Ice. Go, Ice. Go, Ice. He's infatuated with distance and going in a direction, isn't he? He's more sort of on the Kid Rock end of the sort of white rapper spectrum, isn't he? Kid Rock? Skidcock, more like.

Yeah. Vanilla Ice. Scampi Dick. Fanny Illa Ice. That was awful. Sick Vagina Ice. Yeah. Vanilla.

Sarsaparilla mice Yeah That's what we're going to go Anyway Let's go get some ice For these drinks And come back And tell you what they are

Ooh I've got a thirst on Right then Juicy Jeremy Has given us Three drinks this week, although, let's be honest, two of them did come from a Digitizer Live show. I believe it was Sasha.

She gave us a big bag of stuff. These drinks are a part of that bag. So what do you want to start with? What would you like to start with? I think we should start with the Inca Gold, and then we're going to get onto those because that will be a comparison, won't it? I brought those.

Yeah, so... Have you said what any of these are yet? We're going to do it one at a time. Keep the surprise. Keep them guessing. And also, when they read the metadata, they'll just know it's Iron Brew in this. So we'll crack on. We'll crack on.

We're special Iron Brew. I'm just saying, I'm thinking we should leave that to delay my gratification because I'm very interested. Very interested. Because Iron Brew is such a big brand. Big brand. Big old brand. It's a big brand baby.

I'm a big brand man. I don't know what I'm doing. This first... Just shut up. I didn't say anything. Just continue to be like that. Like what? Silent.

I'm waiting to say things. Obedient. Loving. Weirdo. Just be nice. Just be nice. I'm nice. I'm the nice one.

You're not the... You are not the nice one, you fucking pig. I'm the nice one, you gormless cunt. There we go. Yeah. You're making your own point against you, aren't you? What have I done? Right.

This first drink, Eli's sauce. This, Sabre original. Eli's sauce. Eli's sauce. Sabre original. I'm not even going to gratify that with a review. Gratify my sauce. I'm not even going to gratify that with a review. Gratify my sauce! I'm not splashing out on that.

That's the one he ignores. Inca Cola, with a K on it. Originated in 1935. Eli, you said you did some research. I did. This is from Peru. That's where Paddington comes from. It was a British family who emigrated to Peru in the 1910s, I believe.

Right. And they'd grown. They were the big soda manufacturers in Peru. Right. And they brought this out in 1935. What, this particular flavour that we're drinking right now? Because even though it says Inca Cola, it has to be stressed that this is not a brown drink.

No. And the Wikipedia article I read said it is in the category of champagne cola. And I'm sure we've covered that before. I'm going to look up champagne cola. This is deep, deep soda law going on with this stuff. With a champagne Coca-Cola in the sky. Shut up. Honestly.

I just want to know what that means. Or should I just put... Champagne cola. Yeah, I shouldn't put the coca in. I just did that to make the jokes can right

champagne cola cola champagne or champagne soda is a sweetened carbonated beverage produced mainly in the tropics of Latin America

former British West Indies is that it yeah and Pakistan cola champagne was invented in Puerto Rico by Angel Rilievo

Mendez anyway the Lindley's oh wait there what's one of say actually says what it is here it's a popular soft drink in Puerto Rico blah blah blah by Angel Rilievo Mendez. Anyway, the Lindley's... Oh, wait there. I just want to say... It actually says what it is here. It's a popular soft drink in Puerto Rico, blah, blah, blah. It is typically a dark yellow

to light brown in colour with a flavour comparable to bubblegum or cream soda with no connection to champagne or cola at all. Yeah, so that's funny, isn't it? But that's why they say it with a K rather than a C.

They spell it with a K and this is very much on the darker yellow. I would say light yellow, but it's... It's almost lemony yellow, isn't it? Yes. Anyhow, Lindley had like five popular sodas out before this came onto the market, one of which was a champagne cola.

Oh, okay. Before they said, we're going to do an Inca cola. So that's just the same thing, but with their brand on it. No, this is based on a slightly different... This is based on the flavour of leban... Of leban... What's a leban? Lemon verbena.

The plant is. It's called a... Verbena. Lemon verbena. Right. Is what it's called. All right, good. So that's the flavour.

The article also said basically this is just like a champagne cola as well. Okay, well let's get it on. But this has been associated with nationalism in Peru, basically. Has it? They're really proud of this drink, and it's like a big symbol. Right.

You see? Yeah. They're proud of it in the way we'd be like bangers and mash. Oh, okay. Like it's our national drink, you mean. It's a big thing, yeah. Not that it doesn't want certain minorities to get out of their country. I don't know that much about Peruvian politics, but I'm saying...

Inca cola is a racist drink. It's a big deal for them in terms of it being a national symbol. It's fine, I got it. Eli's saying publicly that Inca cola is a fascist soft drink. Don't shut up. I'm going to crack on with that.

So open it up and let's pour it out. I've got ice in the cup. Do you want it to taste of cream soda? Do you like cream soda? Because it is described as a champagne cola in the sky, I would like it to taste of cream soda? I would like... Because it is described as a champagne cola in the sky, I would like it to taste like its origins.

I would like to know what that is. I'm hoping for the... I'm just mixing the glass in the ice and getting it frosty. What was the other thing that they said

champagne soda tasted of? Cream soda or... Bubble gum. Bubble gum. So, yeah. It'd be one or the other, won't it? You quite like bubble gum soda,

I do. That's basically kind of what ramune tastes like. No, they have specific bubble gum or the other, won't it? You quite like bubblegum so much, don't you? I do. That's basically kind of what ramune tastes like. No, they have specific bubblegum flavour ramunes, don't they? Oh, he's getting the top off. He's doing the old lighter under the capture. Because it's a glass bottle with a bottle top top bugger to get off this one. He's done it.

Ow. Oh. Oh, poor baby. Kiss better? Shut up. Can you kiss it better? Kiss better. Mouth noises. Go on. Shut up. Kiss it better? Kiss better.

Mouth noises. Go on, pour yours. Mouth noises. Why are you going to get the ice soft? No, I don't want melt water. It's because you're too busy talking shit. So just pour it in the glass while you can. I'm drinking off the melt water. Come on.

I'm drinking off the melt water. All right, good. I'll drink off my melt water. You need to drink off your melt water. I didn't have that much. Well, we don't want it to be diluted at all, really, do we? No, don't do it, good. I'll drink off my melt water. You need to drink off your melt water. I didn't have that much. Well, we don't want it to be diluted at all, really, do we? No, don't do it, really. Alright, I'll pour mine

now. It's a vibrant yellowy green. What's on the nose? Greeny yellow. Oh, I'm getting a lot of, yeah, bubble gum. Oh, yeah. It's almost actually ironbrewy. Is ironbrewy a bubble gummy drink? I guess it might be. Yeah, it's very similar to ironbrew on the nose, you're right. How funny, then, in that case, considering what's to come.

Well, maybe Iron Brew is almost like a champagne cola variant. Oh, that's really nice. And actually, the bubblegum flavour isn't that strong. It's kind of subtle. It's more... It actually has a bit of cream soda in the aftertaste. Yes. And it's not the sweetest soda I've had.

Not at all. No. That's quite refreshing, actually. So, yeah, up front, bubblegum. Back end, cream soda. Yes, that's nice. It's not sickly. No, not at all. It's not sickly refreshing, actually. So yeah, up front, bubblegum, back end, cream soda. Yes, that's nice. It's not sickly. No, not at all.

It's not sickly. It's got... What a lovely drink. Very good. You can see why people are into that. Imagine that really ice cold on a really hot day, you know. Oh, that'd be lovely on a really hot day. That's a really nice drink.

That's a good one, Juicy Jeremy. I like that. So what are we going to say out of five for that one? No, it's a new thing now. It's like, is it fizzy or is it flat? Did you say this on that phone call? Yeah. The shitification of Cheap Show continues unabated.

So now it's, is it fizzy or flat? No, absolutely not. Was it soda work or is it a soda jerk? What do you want? Which one? I do not want the shitification. Is it pop or is it fop? The binary in shitification must stop here.

Is it sody or is it a little bit toady infinitification must stop here. Is it sody? Or is it a little bit toady? You can do that if you like. I'm going to say it's either fizzy or flat. I'm going to say fizzy for me. It's a fizzy drink. Well, that would be, funnily enough, that would be one of my criticisms of it. It's not fizzy enough.

No, I'm using it in a... And the fizz just died there. I know. I mean, seconds away from my lips, it died. Yeah, but to be fair... I was going I know. I mean, seconds away from my lips, it died. Yeah, but to be fair... That's the problem with Eli's sex life, isn't it? She doesn't even need it.

I know, but I added it. You didn't need it. I added it. That joke before it was formed was so funny to me, but then it's... The Willy Wilt on the way to the lips,

doesn't it? Anyway, yeah, good soda. What a great fun we have as best top friends. Great soda. Yeah. Okay, go on. I'll grade it. I'll give it a flat B.

Nice B on the nose. Because, yeah, you're right. If it was more fizzy, up a bit. Yeah, it's nice. I like it. And a lot of cream soda is almost too vanilla-y, too... Too much of something. Yeah. But that one is subtle. As I say, I think it. And a lot of cream soda is almost too vanilla-y, too much of something. But that one, as I say, I think it's nice that...

I prefer it to cream soda, to a standard cream soda. Yes. But again, I like the fact that it begins with one flavour profile and then evolves into the one at the back end, and so it's kind of a nice evolution in the mouth. Yeah, it's bubblegum at front, cream soda at the back. All business in the middle. I tried the new

Dr Pepper flavour What's that? Strawberries and cream And Yeah We'll have to try that then Dirty, dirty I mean if you like Dr Pepper

You'll like it Dr Pepper So misunderstood What's the worst that can happen? You can actually get your whole Cock stuffed in a can And as you try to pull it out And it's slicing

That bad That's bad I don't know if that's the worst you try and pull it out but you can't because you're literally ripping your penis apart well no you're probably just tearing off the top layer of flesh around your shaft isn't it as it all pulls out like a cenobite coming out it's like it's like something from the hellraiser box flailed peanut. Right, next drink. Right, these are a twofer. So, again, this was, I think, God, if I remember this wrong, I'm really sorry, but Sasha, I think, gave us these.

In these, we have two Iron Brew drinks, and we've done Iron Brew before on the past in the show, haven't we? But what I wonder is, when did Iron Brew start doing different flavoured Iron Brews? Probably recently. I mean, as in, like, really recently, other than, like, special one-offs in the past.

This is one, I mean, first of all, I'll get this out of the way, extra taste, no sugar. I have a horrible feeling this is going to taste like shit. Well, you have a special aversion to sugar-free drinks. Brewed in Scotland to a secret recipe since 1901. And again, there was an iron brew drink, and this is the knockoff of that,

which went on to be more popular. And iron brew is a category of soft drink. Yeah. And again, there was an iron brew drink, and this is the knock-off of that, which went on to be more popular. And iron brew is a category of soft drink. Yeah. And iron brew. And they don't own that. People who make urn brew. Yeah. Which is why it's called urn brew. Oh, sorry. One other thing I needed to mention about Inca Cola. Owned worldwide by

Elon Musk. Coca-Cola. Oh, really? Except the Lindley family still have control of it within Peru. Right. Coca-Cola. Oh, really? Except the Lindley family still have control of it within Peru. Right. There you go. There we go. So we're back to Iron Brew. These are Iron Brew Extra.

Probably because of the flavour, we have Iron Brew Tropical and Iron Brew Ice Cream. Now, I think this might taste like what we've just had. The ice cream. It would be a cream soda, wouldn't it? So I think we should do this next while we've got the kind of memory of that flavour profile in our head. Sure. And then we'll move on to Iron Brew Tropical the kind of memory of that flavour profile in our head. Sure. And then we'll move on to Iron Brew Tropical

which I fear will be vile. Oh, 69p. That's cheap. Yeah. Is that a multi-pack? No, I mean, no, you can't sell multi-packs,

can you? It always has a big sticker on the side saying, as part of a multi-pack, do not sell. We still get them, don't we? Just fucking sell them.

So, what? So this is Iron Brew Extra. This is their thing. Their flavour range or whatever. What I find interesting is the fact that Iron Brew is an actual flavour of drink.

Yeah. And then they're adding on top of it. Yeah. It's like Coke mango flavour or whatever, you know? Oh, I hate all that. But that's just weird. It's like, oh,

sugar-free flavoured drinks are so awful we have to now mix them with lime and mango and cherry or whatever. It's just they can do it. No one asked them if they should, though.

You know? They didn't ask themselves. Yeah. And they whatever it's just they can do it no one asked them if they should though you know or they didn't ask themselves yeah and they didn't ask if they could do it they should shouldn't do it that's the quote from Jurassic Park isn't it oh oh you know what I picked up um chlamydia that's yes first edition um no where would I get chlamydia, Paul? I know. Yeah. Me. Go on, quick. Pull these ice melts. Oh, yes. I picked up a first edition of the paperback, Jurassic Park, Michael Crichton. Good.

Thank you for that in this soda segment of the show. You think that was an interesting fact to bring up. I bet there's been a Jurassic Park soda tie-in at some point. So, to the nose, this just smells of Iron Brew. And looks like it because he's pouring it now. To be clear, Paul, we're starting with the ice cream. Ice cream flavour. Iron Brew extra flavour. Yeah.

Now, again, to my nose and to my eye, it looks like Iron Brew. It smells like Iron Brew. In fact, there's a tiny bit of cream soda in there. I'm getting cream soda off the... Oh, coming off it. But there's that very recognisable Iron Brew tang. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. If I just had that, I'd just say that was Iron Brew.

Yeah. I would do a blind sniff test on it. I wouldn't know. But here's the taste test part. I prefer the Inca Cola considerably. Yeah. This has that... Oh, mate, it's got that horrible fucking sugar aspartame.

Does it? I'm not getting that. Yeah, I can get that. I must be heightened to it. Because I can taste it. It's like, the only way I can describe it, it's got a wide chemical taste on the tongue. It's this kind of broad, overwhelming chemical sweetness. Yeah.

That just pops above the flavour for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I know what you mean. I'm getting that now. Yeah. Doesn't taste of ice cream very much. At all. Or cream soda.

It tastes like Diet Ironberry. Yeah. Yeah, disappointing, I agree. Very disappointing. Inca Cola. It's a better texture. It's more fizzy than the Inca Cola. So this is flat for me.

It's not fizzy. It's a flat drink. But if you want me to rate it accordingly, I'll give it a C-. No, I didn't like it. Not interesting either. No. Talking of sweetness, Paul, I tried a Leon chicken and bacon Old Smoky barbecue burger. I don't carey barbecue burger.

I don't care about your burger. I don't care about your recent book purchases either. This ties into soda. Does it? Yeah. And it was so fucking sweet, this burger. Yeah. Like the relish, whatever, the barbecue bit was so sweet that when I took a sip of my soda, that tasted sour.

The sweetness of the burger, do you know what I mean? And it was almost like that artificial sweetness in a burger, imagine that. Imagine that. Can you imagine that at home? Because I can't be fucking bothered to. Right, Eli. Come on. Being unfriendly. I'll be unfriendly if I want to be unfriendly.

You want to be. Every week you want to be unfriendly. You bitnickety shit weasel. There's nothing ever happened to you. You think, oh, I ate something. Hello, I am bitnickety shit weasel. You can nothing ever happened to you. You think, oh, I ate something. I am pinnickety shit weasel. You can't invent your own characters. That's not organic. Now. Do you know what is organic? What? Me. You are organic. Yeah. I'm an organic

man. I'm an organic, organic man. What's the word? Organic. Organic. What's the word? I've forgotten it. Organic. I'm an organic, organic, it's true. Oh, I'm doing that other one. The guy who did the flash dance song.

He did that one, Automatic Man. I'm an automatic man. De, ni, mo, ni, mi, ni, ni, mo. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm an automatic man. Moving on to the second of the Iron Brew extras. Iron Brew extra tropical flavour 69p in a tin. This will taste shit, I reckon.

Well, we don't know. Worst of all, if I was giving that first one, the ice cream, a mark out of five, I'd go for a two. Well, already. Maybe a 1.5. Yeah, I'm giving it a C- that one. See? Inconsistent scoring. Take what you will from that.

This is tropical. To the nose, there is a marked tropical flavour, but it smells like tropical in those. Well, at least it doesn't taste just of iron. No, no, no. But it's got that tropical flavour like the fruit salad sweet. In fact, it's exactly the fruit salad sweet when I think about it now. So I'm going to pour it.

Again, orange. Same Iron Brew orange. They've gone for that. Initial fizz, sharp, but it all dies off pretty quickly. Similar to the way that Coke always goes with the Coke colour when they're doing those mango or orange ones. Yeah, true. Right.

I'm going to have a go with this. But yeah, to the nose, Iron Brew and a little bit of sour, like, yeah, salad cream chewy. Didn't Iron Brew sell out to one of the big ones? Because that's why it had to change the formula to the... I don't know. This is obviously part of the whole... Yeah. Sugar tax bullshit thing.

Oh, yes. There's a fake pineapple odour. Definitely on the sniffy schnaff schnaff. Pineapple and peachy almost. Or the jiff jaff joff. Right. Huh. That's almost nothing.

Very little flavour at all. Weird all weirdly little flavor it's not even like it's empty it's not as though like the iron brew flavor is still there because that's not there it's gone it's nothing on the front there's nothing on the back there's one moment of sweetness in between i don't know why you found that funny you're off on your own little fucking podcast again aren't you i just thought it was good. Nothing in the front, nothing in the back. A little bit of sweetness in between. Yeah.

No, it's good. It sounds like a lyric by George Harrison. It's good. But don't you think that's descriptive of that? I actually didn't like that. I don't like it less. No, I don't like it more. I more like it don't.

I don't. Hello. Welcome to Paul's Mouth Madness Hour. I don't like it. And I don't like it more than I don't like the ice cream. I think the ice cream is slightly better because that has a flavour flavour. Oh, for fuck's sake. Favour flavour?

Do my mouth a flavour flavour? Hey, that's a great fucking slogan. What is it? Do my mouth a favour flavour? Flavour flavour? Do my mouth a flavour flavour? Yeah, that is a good one. Better than get your mouth ready, isn't it?

Yeah, get your mouth ready. That's what Bim should change it to. Oh, dear. Do your mouth a flavour favour. Do your mouth a flavour favour. And avoid these fucking... Here, darling. I'm going to...

Come on, darling. Yes, love. Yes, love. Do your mouth a flavour flavour. And what? Gob you off again? Yeah. All right.

Oh, it's come you off again. Yeah. All right. Oh, it's come out my nose. Right. I'm dead inside, love. No, you know you are. Dead inside. No, I'm... I didn't even feel that fucking orgasm. It just came right out of me

like dropping a mouse down a pipe. Paul, we need to move on. I'm going to give that a D plus. It is a flat drink for me. There's a slight pineapple flavour. Well, your favourite? Easily the Inca Cola. The Inca Cola is a drink.

Yeah. These are not nice. No, they're fake tasting, and the charm of the Iron Brew is lost in the weak sauce. That is the extra flavour on top. If you like Iron Brew, go for the cream one because it works much better and it tastes much more like normal Iron Brew. Yeah, it's a better substitute.

Just to wash my palate. Yeah, I'm just going to wash my palate. That was all. Because I've still got that fake sugar taste on my tongue. We're going back for more of this Inca Cola. And I've got that Mole or Mole Italian Cola. This is Mole Cola. God, that's a bomb when you swig've got that mole or mole. Italian cola. This is mole cola. God, that's a balm

when you swig that after that iron brew stuff. Have a little sip. It's such a sweet balm. It's the taste of real sugar. Yeah, it's the taste of good shit. Right, so off to Bletchley then.

If we go now, we can be back in time to finish the recording of the podcast. One second. Fetched. Now let's go to Bletchley. Wow.

Okay. Is that what you wanted to do? Mime masturbating right in front of me. It's what I'm fetched. Now let's go to Bletchley. Wow. Okay. Is that what you wanted to do? Mime masturbating right in front of me. It's what I wanted to do. I got fetched in Bletchley. Oh, I got fucking totally fetched. That's not going to help the tourism, is it? Come and get fetched in Bletchley.

Get fetched from Bletchley. Yeah. You can have that one. Do your mouth a flavour favour and get fetched in Bletchley. Yeah. You can have that one. Do your mouth a flavour favour and get fetched from Bletchley. What is it? It's Ganon's. What kind of thing is it? What kind of qualities does it have?

Golden. That's the answer there. Golden. And what kind of activity is it? It's a game. Put it all together. Giggio Games! Yo, Dario! That's it. That's the new jingle. I'm happy with that, actually, as it goes. I am happy with that. Oh, I am happy with that.

I sing a song of joy because I am happy with that. Oh, who's happy with that? You are. I am happy with that. Oh, who's happy with that? You are. I am happy with that. You are. If you change it, don't rearrange it because I am absolutely, absolutely and positively and absolutely

and meditatively and I am ribbly and bibbly-dobbly. I am finer with that. Boff, boff. Scoffaloficus. Right, warmed up now, are we? I am warmed up. It's Gannon's Golden Games time and we've got a treat for you this week, Paul. Bophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophophoph Come and get your mad treats. Come and get your mad treats. Now, boff, boff. I don't know where the boff, boff's come from, but I like it. I would like some treatment. Yeah?

Mm-hmm. Well, do your mouth a favor, flavor. Bumrash. Bumrash. That's what I'm talking about. We are now. Okay. I've lost focus quickly.

Don't lose focus. It's Gannis Golden Games, and what's the game we're going to play today? Is that simple? Today, we are going to play a game given to me at Digitizer Live from a gentleman I have forgotten the name of and forgot to write down, so I apologise to you, sir. Tick off the bingo card with Paul forgetting someone's name has given us some shit. Tick it right off. Stamp it. Stamp it. You don't tick a bingo card. What am I saying? You stamp it. And tick your bingo card when Eli does some fucking mouth dog shit

don't tick your bingo card at least we've ascertained that's not what you do you stamp it don't you I'll stamp you shut up we are playing this week the board game by Denny Fisher Miss World the Miss World board game

so this is a game by Denny Fisher Denny Fisher we've used in the past Miss World, the Miss World board game. So this is a game by Denny Fisher. Denny Fisher we've used in the past on this podcast. Even recently, that one down there, the swap shop game. Dare I say, we've been on a little... Dare I say, Paul, we've been on a bit of a Denny Fisher... Groove. Run with this segment of the show recently. Was that Dad's Army one,

Denny Fisher? That was. Yeah. Oh. It's right up your street. I think they're the most up your street games company of the era.

Yeah, but it's not a perfect hit rate. I've seen some of their other tie-in license board games and they're largely gash. Yeah, but in terms of your collecting eye, you know,

because you're not looking for games to play, essentially. Well, some are, but some I would like to just have for ownership of them. Okay, let me put it this way. You as a games collector, a collector of board games,

you don't only look for games that you'll enjoy playing, necessarily. I am the game collector. You are the game collector with your... I wasn't meant to be. It started out just doing a podcast, and I'd go to a charity shop for a game, and then I kept it, and then I saw another one, and I kept it, and and so on and so forth and now I've got over 200 board games in a lockup that's not healthy is it that's not financially viable what I'm trying to tell say the point I'm trying to make Paul is that you like these Denny Fishers because they have they intersect with the

nostalgia of your childhood they do indeed but then to be honest Miss Will wasn't really part of my childhood but I do like the games like, to be honest, Miss World wasn't really part of my childhood, but I do like the games. I still want the Are You Being Served board game and stuff. You know, I want that. You want what board game? Are You Being Served.

Is that Denny Fisher? I mean, I presume so. It must be, yeah. That's what they did. That's what they did. It's what they did. You say Miss World wasn't really part

of your childhood. Do you not have any recollection of it coming on and it being a bit uncomfortable and watching a bit of it? I know it existed. I definitely watched it.. I definitely watched it. But I never watched it.

I knew there was like Miss Anglia and then they would, you know, all those kind of shows or Miss Granada. Miss Anglia. Yeah, or Miss Granada. And then they would win

and then they would represent, wouldn't they? So you remember watching TV shows of the trials, whatever, the local trials. It's a beauty contest. Should we go into the history of it?

Oh, it's so horrible. I'd like to see what the history is, Paul. Well, let's go back into Paul's time machine. Oh, do we? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun contest as part of the festival of britain celebrations that would oh it comes from here no apparently that he called the festival bikini contest this is all from wikipedia so like every other podcast in the world that's where we're sourcing our info but it comes with the cheeky

show style the event was popular with the press and dubbed it miss world the swimsuit competition was intended as a promotion for the bikini which had only just been released in the UK what the press dubbed it Miss World yes weird I don't know why in 1950 in 1951 the winner of that was a

Kirsten Kiki Hackinson from Sweden who was crowned in a bikini and it added to the controversy so I'm guessing the idea that they put a crown on a lady just in a bikini

was outrageous in 1951 it was extremely racy at the time yeah yeah so the pageant was originally planned for a pageant to the Festival of Britain, but Morley decided to take the Miss World Pageant Annual.

He registered it as a trademark, and all future pageants were under that name. But because of the controversy arising from the crowning in a bikini, countries with religious traditions threatened not to send delegates in future events. And the bikini was condemned by the Pope. Hey, what the matter this?

Hey, what the matter? Your Holiness. What's this I see? Your Holiness, what is your definitive answer on the bikini, yes or no? It's a nasty thing. What's wrong with it? I do not like it to my eye. It's a bad thing for God.

God don't like it, neither do I. I so say the Pope. What are you having for dinner? I'm having eggy beggy. Oh, come on. Say it. What? Spice it with me to both.

No. I don't like it, take it away from me. I don't like it. Hide the bikini. God don't like it. I don't like it. Your Holiness, can you see where the pubes are curling out around the sides? Oh, Pope like a little bit.

It's not just the puby bit. Like, the Pope like the puby bit. Hi. Hello. I don't know what accent that is. Paul, rein it in, mate. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, it grew. It grew and grew.

The concert. Yeah, it became more popular in 1959 the BBC began to broadcast the pageant and its popularity grew with the

advent of TV in the 60s and 70s it was one of the most watched programs of the year on British television and it's a monster in terms of feminism

isn't it it's sort of one of the most cited sexist a symbol of sexism it's become yeah of course that's why Carry On Girls was all sexism it's become. Yeah, of course. That's why Carry On Girls was all about that.

It was kind of leaning on the popularity of Miss World, made a film based on that. And is it still going? I think so. I mean... I think so. I'll find out. In the 1970s,

the contest in London was disrupted by women's liberation protesters armed with flower bombs, stink bombs, water pistols, loaded with ink. In 1970, it was also controversial

when South Africa sent two contestants one black and white henceforth south africa was banned from the contest until apartheid was abolished more than 18 million people used to watch it in its pk day uh then it became repurposed in the 80s with beauty with a purpose and added tests of intelligence and personality so before that it was just there she's wearing that this that. It's this round. That's the next round. That's a nice one, isn't it? She's got a nice arse. Look at the tits on that.

Oh, best tits. You win. Here's a crown. But now it's like, got a nice tits, nice arse. What do you think about apartheid, love? It's bad. It's bad.

Oh, dear. In 84, controller Michael Gray, boo, announced that the corporation would cease broadcasting the pageant. 94? Yeah, 84.

He said, I believe these contests no longer merit national airtime. They certainly do. You've got to agree with him on that, don't you? They were anachronism in this day and age of equality and is verging on the offensive. Temp Television broadcast it between 80 and 88, and then ITV dropped it. In the 90s, it moved on to Sky 1 and then moved to Channel 5.

Eric Morley died in 2000. His wife succeeded him and carries on with the organization. And I think it's still going. Although they have different types of it in Indonesia, China, Thailand, Puerto Rico. It's like an international sort of brand, yeah. Recent title holders.

So yeah, 2021 was the last one. There was no one in 2020, but Poland won it in 2021. Jamaica, Mexico, India, in that reverse order. It's disgusting, isn't it? And weird. It's a product of its time.

Definitely. A disgusting product of its time. That I'm still surprised is still going, but I presume part of it now, the ladies represent cultural understanding and it's about,

there's probably charities that benefit from Miss World that raise money for things. I'm sure there's probably charities that benefit from this world that raise money for things i'm sure there's an element of that that keeps it still going because i can't see it just still being relevant outside of other things that it's involved in yeah i mean good point probably right there has to has to sort of uh dress itself in it's more charitable rather than just a strict sort of beauty contest yeah there's got to be more to it hence the questions on intelligence and stuff like that. So this came out 1972.

So reasonably popular then. But not in its heyday, which they said was the 80s. Well, no, it was the peak was the 80s. But I'm presuming it was popular all the way through the 70s as well. Otherwise, why would you make a board game for kids to teach girls? Is it for kids? Yeah, of course it's for girls. Oh, look, and on the cover, it's mum with her daughters, isn't it?

Yeah. So this board game lets kids live out the fantasy of being Miss World. All the glamour, tension, excitement of the Miss Real World competition. Not Miss Real World. The real Miss World contest. Dress the four contestants and travel the world. Maybe you will be the coveted winner in the robe and Miss World crown. Now, you've sort of given away the sort sort of best thing about this in my mind yeah this

set is that the toy aspect is they've actually gone for little plastic dolls yeah as identical but yeah you get four dollies with it and there you're moving pieces and they come with a little i mean the green you're green and i'm blue and green's got a dirty smudge on it i don't know why that is they've given a little nod to racial diversity by having one black doll, haven't they? Yes, they have. But all the others are pretty identical. They're slightly different hair colour, white dolls. Yeah, it's mostly just they're wearing a green one-piece bathing suit

and a cloak thing. Well, now, these two that we've selected are quite similar looking, apart from different colour hair, but there is a blonde with longer hair. Oh, there's a blonde one, yeah. And she has a sticker on it that says, Made in Hong Kong. So, they're dinky little toys, aren't they?

Yeah, and they're your moving pieces. You move around the board. And the idea is, effectively, we've looked at the rules. It's very simple. You move around the board, and on the roll of a dice, you either earn money or you do activities which earn you more money. Do money or earn activities. And then once you've earned enough money,

then you can go ahead and enter Miss World. At any time you want in the game. You can enter Miss World. You go, you take money, and then you pay to enter Miss World. No, it's very good, that. No, it's good, that. Yeah, it's very good, that. Yeah.

You pay to enter Miss World, Paul. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, the idea is you go around the board earning money, doing different things depending on the roll of the dice. Right? Simple. But at any point, you can pay 500 of your pounds that you earn to enter Miss World.

Then once you get onto the stage area, there's a little raised dais part of the board, which is made to look like a Miss World stage. You head towards the gold circle.

But every step of the way, there's a problem which could chip away at your resources. And the idea is you've got to roll exactly to land on the square. First one who does it wins.

Cameron Daiz. Cameron Daiz, yeah. Nice. Are we ready to play? You've given me £1,000. These pounds are Denny Fisher dollars, aren't they? Denny dollars. So they'd be modular in that they could be used...

Mate, I want some Denny's. How much is some Denny's going for? I've got a chunk of Denny's for you. How many Denny's? What's the price of the Denny's? I've got a chunk of Denny's for you. Yeah, but what's the price of the Denny's? It's a chunk of Denny's, isn't it?

Do you want a chunk? No, but how much for how much? I'll give you a chunk of Denny's, isn't it? Do you want a chunk? No, but how much for how much? I'll give you a chunk of denny's. How many pounds? All right, I'll give you a fissure then. How much is the fissure? You've caught me out here, mate. You don't know the concept of currency.

I don't know. Well done. I've got some money. Yes. And there's 550 points, 110 points, 50 pounds, five points. I'm going to be the banker. Because you earn money, and then that gets whittled away once you're on the stage.

The idea is you've got to earn as much money as you can. That translates to points. So when you're on the stage and those mishaps happen or whatever, then you're not losing too much. Because if you don't have enough money to get to the end, you've run out of points, you've got to go back around again on the board. Okay.

Right, let's just roll with it. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli Paul. Play Miss World, the game. Hello, good evening, and welcome to Miss World 1972. I'm your host for this evening, Paul Gannon, and with me is my good friend Eli Silverman. Hardy har. And we're going to be judging this competition now,

and following these ladies as they travel the world on this board game, there are Paris, Geneva, Monte Carlo, Cape Town, Rome, Safari, Sydney. Safari's not a place. It's Africa, isn't it? It's a cruel thing people do with more money than sense. Yes, the racism coming off the very board here. Mate, we might not land on it, so I'll mention it now. There's a square on this board which says, spend the thousand pound on diamonds in South Africa.

And I was like, ooh, that's awkward, isn't it? Ooh, that's awkward. It's all a bit musky, that one. But it's very much trying to sell the jet set as a fantasy. That's the idea. You're earning money by living the jet set life and doing photo shoots and apparently buying gold in Mexico. Buy gold in Mexico, go to Vegas.

What are you doing in Vegas? Best not gambling. Nightclub appearance, earn $600. So you see that's how it goes. I'd like to do that. Can I go and do that? Make a TV commercial in New York. That's good, isn't it?

That's pretty cool as well. That's pretty good. Anyway, shall we start the game, my good friend? Hardy Hart. Actually, I'm green, so I'm going to pick... I'm blue. Her name, she is Miss... Ireland.

No, she's... The Emerald Ireland. She's Miss Wirral. At eight, I'm Miss Wirral. No, she's... The Emerald Ireland. She's Miss Wirral. At eight I'm Miss Wirral. I'm the winner of the regional finals. We're going to have to do voices for them. Yeah? They didn't tell me about this.

Do it. You don't have to. You don't do it. Just disappoint your audience, mate. Do what you like. No, I'm going to have to, aren't I? I'm going to rise to the challenge. Do what you like, mate.

Disappoint your audience. Oh, he's putting the shades on. So what's Miss Wirral? Where are you representing? Miss that island. Miss Ireland. No are you representing? Miss that island. Miss Island. No, that island. Miss that island.

That island's what's off there. So, okay, Miss that island, what's off there? I'm Miss that island. Don't insult my peoples. Right, who's going to go first? You can go first

because you're a fucking idiot. Oh, I'm ready to go. 15 minutes of play starts now. Remember, you can enter the Miss World stage any time you want, alright? But I might win for the past five minutes. No, no, you might not win. You might run out of points before you can get to the gold part of the stage. But I don't die if I run out of points.

No, you've just got to go back to the... I'm going straight up there. Good luck. We have to go round. You've got to go round the board at least once. I've got to go round to get there, yeah? Yeah. But then once you've been round it once, you can go to the stage any time you want. You can come round there any time you want. Come round the board. We have to get going. Time starts now. Roll the dice, Eli.

I've got a grand. You've got a grand. Let's get going. It's Miss World 1972. Roll the dice then. Go on. I roll the dice, do I? Yeah.

I'm going first, am I? Yeah. Where am I? On the start square. Who am I? You on the square you're the blue one i'm green okay you've rolled the wrong dice that's not the right dice is it there it is give it to me you didn't give me the dice you just took the wrong one i took it up the wrong one you took up the wrong role i took it up the wrong one come on. Four. I'll move your pieces. Could you move my piece? I am...

Miss that island out there. One, two, three, four. What have I landed on? $100. You take $100 from the bank. You're the bank. The bank's here with me, everyone. It's secure.

I won't be cheating. I'm going to roll the dice as he takes the cash out. Denny Fisher dollar. $100 bill. I've rolled a three. One, two, three. Oh, give me dollar. I've rolled a three. One, two, three. Oh, give me 50. I've rolled a three.

A three. B. Thank you very much, sir. The problem with this is the pieces, the dolls aren't very stable. They are. They've repurposed or got dolls from a different factory. It's coke. No, they're all the same dolly.

It's just they're all wobbly because they have to have a little plastic stand to stand on. What I mean is those were dolls that they said we need to we'll get these dolls a job lot yeah

we'll have a load of those shitty dolls that you can't send to make into the pieces which is fine it wasn't a design concept no because it would work better these are just dolls

I think this is there's a charm to that yeah there's a charm to that definitely well because it's the play element isn't it because the girls are playing involved

it's like I know it's a charming thing they wouldn definitely. Well, because it's the play element, isn't it? Because the girls are playing involved. It's like... I know. It's a charming thing. They wouldn't... They design these better. But the point being is that this is a valuable game. Yeah. 50.

Give me 50. You've given me it. You've given me it already. So you roll the dice now. It's your go again. Give me it then. I can't lean over. I think we're going to learn some valuable lessons

and girls can benefit from this game completely. Three. Move the blue cape to lady. Three, what's happened? Something bad's happened. It says a screen test has been offered to you. Rush to row. I did a self-tape this morning, Paul.

Oh, shit. I'll never get a job. I don't care about your life. You don't care about my life? No, not really. Not as far as... I need to consider what you do within the confines of this podcast. What has happened to my piece?

You're in Rome and you've earned £400. What's she doing in Rome? £400 you've got to give yourself for doing a screen test in Rome. Hello. Hello. Can you say this line for me? We're going to cast you in an advert for Celine Dion perfume. I'm sorry, I'm here for the casting.

Yes. I'm here for the casting now. Yes, please. Yes, just what do you want me to do? I just want you to say this line for Celine Dion perfume, right? Celine Dion, but this is 1972.

She literally is not born yet, I don't think. All right, well then, what is popular in 1972? Well, you'd have to think about that before you open your fucking mouth. Diana Ross perfume. Diana Ross perfume.

It's just, I can't, think of someone, okay, Olivia Newton fucking John. Diana Ross perfume. Diana Ross perfume. It's just, I can't think of someone. Okay. Olivia Newton fucking John. I don't know. Who else was popular? Cher. It's a Cher.

That works for me. It's Cher perfume. Oh. Why are you getting Cher to do it then? Well, because she is in it, but we need other women to be around and say certain lines. So we want you to say. No, I'm happy to. You're going to turn to camera holding the perfume.

Okay. And you're going to go, Cher, I'll keep it to myself. All right.'m happy to. You're going to turn to camera, holding the perfume, and you're going to go, share, I'll keep it to myself. All right. Right? Okay, and action. Share, I'll keep it to myself. And can you do it with a little bit more, I don't know, like passion, allure?

Okay. Because the joke is share, the name of the artist, but it's also share as in offering. Yeah, okay. So can you just... Yeah, okay. And action. Share, I'll keep it to myself. Yeah, that works for me. I'll keep it to myself. Yeah, that works for me.

I'll keep it to myself. Give her a £400 and get her out. I'll keep it to myself. Give her a £400 and get her out. I'm fetched. I've got £400. I haven't got... I'm taking £500. Give yourself £400.

I can't be bothered to drink in the chain, man. Mate, it's your only job is to do... That's the bank money there. Fuck that. I'm in it now. I'm rolling. The guy who was doing the shoot gave me another 100 as a tip. You're not going to play it.

As a tip. You're not going to play it properly. I gave my happy ending. I gave your character a happy ending. You're not going to do it. What are we going to do here? What are we doing here? That's your money.

Don't give yourself money from your own pocket. That's the bank stack there. Yeah, well, yeah. I'm going to fucking do you. There's ten minutes and we've hardly moved. I've only got two. You're taking it from your own cash. Take it from the pile. You've earned 400.

The bank gives you it. You're not giving yourself it from your own cash you've just earned, you fucking idiot. Stop counting your own money. Then put 100 back. Fuck earned, you fucking idiot. Stop counting your own money. Then put 100 back. Fuck me, that was painful. It's like watching Clyde from every which way but loose do it. He doth

protest way too much on his own petard, everybody. Three. He's fucking thigh deep. Modelling clothes in Paris. I've got to go to Paris. 250. Give me 250. But for what? For modelling in Paris clothes. You got to go to Paris. You got... 250. Give me 250. For what? For modelling in Paris clothes. You have to say to the bank what it's for.

Okay. I've just come back from Paris and I've done some modelling for... Mospros. Or whatever's popular in 1970s. C&A. How much? I can't even be bothered.

250. I need me 250, please. I've looked dead good. I was in a little dress. Alright, there you go, love. Thanks there, girl. Alright, there. Eli, I am enjoying playing this game.

Why? Three, one, two. What am I on? I'm going to Cape Town. Problematic. It says buy diamonds, make one grand profit in South Africa. There's not enough money there. Sorry, Cape Town one grand profit in South Africa. There's not enough money, though. Sorry, Cape Town.

That's in South Africa, right? It is? Yes. Yes, absolutely, yeah. Give yourself a grand. Who's paying me this? The bank. You've earned it.

That's the point. It's like you're earning this to pay. Because you've got to pay 500 to get on the board, haven't you? And then you're going to lose points as you go through. I sold some diamonds, but how would buying... It says buy diamonds, but you've earned, I don't know, a million. Maybe it's like an advert deal. You know, you buy them and then go, we'll give you a grand to wear them.

It seems dodgy as fuck. It is dodgy as fuck. That's what it's teaching girls, isn't it? Why would I make 500 from buying diamonds? Because I'm the middle lady in this diamond transaction. Yeah, well, you've obviously, you know, you've had to swallow a few condoms full of diamonds to get through. Possibly, this is what I'm thinking. Because you're travelling the world, aren't you?

I'm smuggling diamonds. Yeah, that's how you're making your dirty money to be Miss World. I've got diamonds in my woo-woo. I've rolled a three. As well. And here he goes. Draw out $100 from the International Bank in Geneva.

So it's the Geneva. I've gone to Geneva. I've been to Paris and Geneva. Yeah, have a hundred. Here's a hundo for you. It's just a bit of spending money when I'm done. You know,

when I'm out there modelling, you've got to have a little bit of walking around money. I love you. Yes, love, yes. Right, you all go. Roll the dice.

One. I'm never going to get round there to the stage, to the die-as. How much? Just 500 to get the dice? Nightclub appearance. This is what I'm talking about.

Go straight to Las Vegas. Yeah, baby. Vegas, baby. Earn $500 from your Vegas act. Ladies and gentlemen. So wonderful to be here tonight. Here we go. I want to see your Vegas act.

Hello, everybody. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Show us your bulbs. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Show us your bulbs. I'm not doing this. That's what you've come to Las Vegas for. All right. All right, do your dance.

Do a dance. Dance for me. Dance for the camera. Can I get money? It's confusing to me, you trying to do this. Give yourself 500. I want the dance for me. Another 500.

I'm loaded now. I have three. I haven't earned that much. I'm loaded now. I have three. I haven't earned that much. Win 500 at the casino in Monte Carlo. Now, that's nice. Yeah, that's all I got me. What game were you playing, love? I was playing Baccarat.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love. See, it's a joke, Dad. I was actually doing the slots. I was putting pennies. The fruities. I think they're called the fruities. Yeah, they're. See, it's a joke. I was actually doing the slots. Oh. I was putting pennies. The fruities. No, I was putting like the slots. I think they're called the fruities.

Yeah, they're just a one-armed bandit had me slot. No. You know what I mean? I had to wrestle a one-armed bandit with me slot. Oh, yeah. And I dropped a couple of... Did you go right up there? Yeah, right up.

Right up there. Yeah. And then I did 21 and I did... Aren't they called fruit machines? Like in your neck of the woods? No, not... Fruities. Not in Monte Carlo, mate. I want to hear you say fruit machines like in your neck of the woods no not fruities not in Monte Carlo

I want to hear you say fruities fruities thank you alright fine it's that easy roll the dice give me the dice two

god I'm getting nothing alright you get $50 it just says $50 they ran out of fucking their imagination no there's loads of just prices we've been looking

enough to land on them you just get $50 I want a story I've come to expect a story you were walking down the street in New York Looking at their imagination. No, there's loads of just prices. We've been lucky enough to land on them. You just get $50. I want a story. I've come to expect a story. You were walking down the street in New York, and you saw $50 and picked it up. Oh, that's lucky. Good story, that.

Three. Invited on a safari. Go there now. Oh, problematic. What are you doing, you monster? You're going to kill some animals, are you? Gift of 200. Go on safari. So give me 200

from the bank. Is that a rare white rhino? Is it? Is it? Bang! Oh, that's great. I felt like a god. Darling, darling. You look so beautiful tonight and I hope you're enjoying this fine wine. Now get those diamonds out of your

coochie hole. Very good. I pay you how much oh my god Okay. Oh, I followed through there. Sorry about that. How much money did you make go away? It was 200. Okay. 200. Hey.

And then you get a towel. Johnny, John, come on here. We need to bring the cleanie for the... Come on. Coochie-ho smelly diamonds. Right, come on. Roll the dice. Roll the dice. Give me the dice.

Four. I'm ahead, dice. Roll the dice. Give me the dice. Four. I'm ahead, everybody. 100, Eli. Give yourself 100 from the back. Just 100. What's my story this time? Come on. All right.

Come on. You got a letter from an old relative saying they're dead and they've given you 100 quid. Sorry. It's from a... Sorry. I rolled six. Sorry.

You said a letter from a relative saying they. Sorry. You said a letter from a relative saying they're dead. It's a letter from a ghost. Is that what happened? Yeah, that's what happened. It's a good story, isn't it? How did that happen? Because you fucked up. That's how it happened. Anyway, I'm in Las Vegas now so I get 500 for me act and here's my act.

Da da da da da. Oh, you know me from the TV. Oh, you know me from the news. Oh, you know me from the news. I'm everybody's dream girl. And I come from Liverpool. And I know that I am going there today on the back of a spoon. A magic spoon. I like my magic spoon.

Oh, where's me magic spoon gone? I stay in my magic jam. Oh, my magic jam and me magic spoon. I spin it around and I do that soon. Come on, everybody, have a big bag moon. Bing, bang, bong, bing, bong. I've got nothing. Boo.

Roll the dice. Do you give me 500? I don't know. I don't give you 500 for that. Give me 500. You think I'm going to pay you for that? Mate, I've been booked it in the contract. It's not.

I'm sorry. As the booker of this night, we were expecting you to do that act with the... Oh, yeah. Yay! Whoa! Oh, it's the after waft. Oh, that's what you come for. That's what you pay for.

Come on, Eli. Give me 500. Clunge mist. Come on. A cloud of clunge mist. Now this is livening up for me. This is not how we should go. Come on.

How much? 500. Just give me 500. Five, four, five, five hundreds. I'll just give you one 500. Fine. I didn't know there was that option. Right.

Your roll. I'm going to tell you what, though. Just to tell you, I'm going to go onto the stage next. I'm going to risk it. How can what though, just to tell you, I'm going to go onto the stage next, I'm going to risk it. How can you? Any time? Any time. Oh, this is bullshit, I thought you had to go around it once. Well, we're running out of time, so let's just get onto the stage. Okay, so that wasn't an actual rule.

You're making up rules. No, I didn't say that, I was going to. Everyone saw that, what just happened there, and that's what I mean about the difficulty of working with this guy sometimes. When a player decides to enter the contest, you have to go on and pay 500. You can do it on everyone. So you'll go.

I roll the dice. Quick. I'm doing the number dice. Yeah. Yeah. Don't tell me you're going on because then I could go on before you. I'm doing it now.

You pay 500, but you don't move. You just go on to the stage. I've got more money than you anyway. I'm going to win this. She's on, Miss Will. So put that back in the bank that's fine i have right in that case i'm also going to move use my move to go onto the stage and pay 500 as well so there's my fight give me that 500 then please good i'm on the stage now

now we roll the other dice with the with the blank space and the crown here's the deal you've all the numbers you roll you move the numbers but if you land on a blank space, you stay where you are. If you land on the crown, you move one space, but whatever's on that space does not affect you. All right. So now it's about will our money last the game. So your go, you get to go first because you rolled first. But no, we can come off the stage.

At any time, if you think you can't get to the end because you run out of money, because you can't get to the thing with nothing. Come off the Cameron Diaz. Yeah. You've rolled it. Three. I i'm gonna lose some money now you stumble on the stage and lose 50 points so that's this is a bit cruel isn't it and also seems to be it's a weird message right they say that once you get there you're gonna up every step of the way and it's the end of this scrutiny and you shouldn't and you if you up it's a big deal you know and it's

anyway and it's for little girls. And it's sort of like... Give it 50 quid. As a metaphor for their whole life or career. Yeah. It's fucking weird, isn't it? Anyway, you've lost. You have to be pretty and you do a show and then you're going to make a faux pas, you know?

And everyone will remember it. But now you have to pay 50 points back to the bank. Just the whole thing. Weird. What do I have to pay? 50 points. So either 5 tens... Whatever, I've got loads mate

all right good 50s there it's down it's in i'm on the stage now here she comes miss we're all here we go i'm dead excited four i'm over confident and lose 100 points oh yes don't want to be over confident do you how many? How many is 500? 100 points. 100 is a green back. Two 500s. A thousand? No. Because I'm losing points, isn't it?

So it's 100 points. Oh, 50 points, did you say? Yeah. Oh, I've been doing it wrong. Yeah, I know. You've been putting cash in. So you only needed to put one. All you've got to do is take one 500 back, and you're fine.

No, no, it's fine. I put a 500 in. So this is mine. This is 100. Can you just keep it in dollars for me and just convert it to dollars? It's points now, isn't it? So just think about the points. It's in the corner of the note. Right. Right. Right. Let's see who

gets there first. You'll go. Roll the dice. We're on the last leg. I've got a blank. That means you don't do nothing. Oh, good. It means you don't lose any money. Two. Sixty. Poor smile for the judges. Lose sixty. This is extremely sort of bad. It's worrying in the last stretch, isn't it? Overconfident. I for the judges. Lose 60. This is extremely sort of bad. It's worrying in the last stretch, isn't it?

Overconfident. I tell the judges to go fuck themselves. 20, 30, 40, 50, 60. You're fucking... I hate this. There you go. Oh, I'm running out of points. I don't know if I'll make it to the stage. Yes, you're not going to make it. Your go, Eli. Fuck, quick. Oh!

So that means you go one space, but it doesn't affect you. Oh, hello. You could have lost 100 then, but you didn't. I didn't. My go. Where's the dice go? Because I'm sashaying perfectly. B.

I walk too slowly, lose 25 points. Oh, shit. Turn 25. Oh, no. What's going to happen? You're going to lose. You should ask me a question as well. It's like, oh, what's your favorite thing? Oh, no. What's going to happen? You're going to lose. You should ask me a question as well. It's like, oh, what's your favourite thing?

Oh, hello. Hello, dear. Yeah, I'm on the stage. Hello. So tell us, what was your latest book you read? It's the A to Z, so I can figure out how to get here. I also am deeply into Scientology. Kit, are you moved again? Can you stand me up, please? I'm lying down into Scientology. Kit, are you moved again?

Can you stand me up, please? I'm lying down on the stage. Well, I've had a bit of a stiffener before the show. Which ironically has made me floppy. He's drunk. Drunk on stage. I'm going to roll my dice. Maybe I can get a six or something.

One. Give me 40. You out of here. Wait, I might not be. You broke. Get off my stage, broke. I'm broke. I can't finish You're out of here. Wait, I might not be. You're broke. Get off my stage, broke. I'm broke? I can't finish the game.

Blam! Get off the stage. Eli wins. Eli is Miss World. 1972. Thank you, everybody. I still have loads of money left as well. I get to put a little cloak on

A purple cloak Do a little speech to say thank you And I'll put the cloak and the crown on you Thanks everybody I'll do a proper announcement Ladies and gentlemen Miss World 1972 Is Miss

That Island Over There You've broken the strap. So let me just put the cloak on then. Sorry. Oh, I could love a million girls and every girl a twin. Oh, I could love an Iceland girl, Eskimo or thin.

I don't think you should be doing Don't say Eskimo. That's that song, isn't it? Yeah. I think that I could love about a million girls. That's what these do. Bad, bad.

That's what they do, isn't it? They do that song. Here she comes she's so beautiful looking so pretty that's all we care about we asked her a few questions but it doesn't really matter show us your teeth love and get out the back door with your money there you go you got your little cloak that's nice crown and the cloak on now. Thanks very much. Oh, I could love a million girls and every girl a twin. Oh, I could love Eli's pants even though they're sin. Poor this guy.

A dirty boy, he's a nasty boy. I put him on my lap. I pull his little trousers down and give his bum a slap. Oh, slap, slap, bum. Slap, slap, bum. Slap my little bum. Bum, bum. Pop the thumb in.

Pop the thumb in. Pop the thumb right on. And pull out a little bit of brown, Eli Town. Oh, oh, lick it down on. And pull out a little bit of brown, Eli Town. Oh, lick it down, brown. Pull out a little bit of brown, Eli Town. Oh, lick it down. Every time you think he fought, out comes a little brown spark. Oh, Eli's brown.

And that is this week's Ganon's Golden Games, apparently. That was shit. Well, I enjoyed that game. A boring and faintly offensive game. That we made more offensive in the playing of it. I do like the toyetic attempt. And I do like the set-up. The little curtains and the set-up.

It's got that kind of like, you build it like you did with the Generation Game game. You know, where you have to build a little set. They do have nicely designed boards, the Denny Fisher games. And they start with board games. The Swap Swap one was pretty nice as well. I mean, not much play to it, but lovely thing. Lovely thing. And Dad's Army as well.

I would say, to be fair, as a game, it's far more engaging than fucking Bread was for a start. Well, that was Denny Fisher as well, wasn't it? Maybe, I can't remember. Maybe, you're right. That's what I mean, we're on a real Denny Fisher groove, baby. But that game was fucking dull to play.

Oh, that was terrible. And the Dad Zombie one had a little bit of strategy, but this is fine. There's more play to it. There's more movement. There's more action. I don't like the way

it's all based just on money. Yeah, well, that's the thing, isn't it? I don't like the gameplay. You've got to work it. If you want a Lamborghini, work it, bitch. If you want a Lamborghini,

if you want to eat linguine, you've got to work it, bitch. I've got to work it, bitch. Yeah, you've got to work it. Work it, bitch. Okay, I'm working it. If you want a Lamborghini, you've got to work this bitch if you want a Lamborghini if you want to eat linguine you've got to work it bitch I've got to work it bitch yeah you've got to work it work it bitch okay I'm working it you're trying to work this bit you want to work the scene

I'm trying to work away from the thing you're doing whatever that is doing Britney bitch okay bitch I'm doing Britney bitch okay bitch you want to work it

you want a Lamborghini I want linguine I do actually want linguine I've always wanted linguine do you like linguine Tom Sanvini pasta shapes you've got to work it bitch

that's what we've not done on this show. Pasta shapes. Here's a pasta shape for you. What is that? V-shaped pasta? V pasta Vs. It's giving me the finger. Giving you the pasta Vs.

Which, by the way, does mean up the bum. It does mean up yours. Up yours means up the bum. Can you just accept that? No. I will not accept it. On principle. You're a dick.

My principle. It's just one of these things you're doing to push my button. You've got to work it, bitch. The finger, the bird, whatever you want to call it, is up the arsehole. That's what it means. I'll put my finger up your arsehole. You want to wear Ralph Lauren? You want a chicken and a hen?

You've got to work it, bitch. I want you to shut up, bitch. You've got to work it, bitch. You want a chicken and an egg? Oh, by the way, that film, which had the Diana Ross, Georgiou Moroder. We've all forgotten about that. It doesn't matter, does it? It wasn't called Thank God It's Friday.

It was called Thank God It's Saturday. Well, I'm glad we got that right. It's a Banker Neil Bogart flop. Well, I can imagine the comment section raging at that. Eli gets the name wrong. What a horrible man he is.

I just want to service the truth. It makes us all physically sick. I just want to service the truth, Paul. Yeah, I'll service the truth. Where it's capable. Where I make a mistake factually,

I want to service the truth. Unlike you. What a mistake to make. Pure garbage comes out. And it's just like, oh, garbage. All garbage under the bridge. It's all fucking, all sewage just comes out. That's how it happens to you.

Mouth shit. Like all of this stuff you've been doing this week. I'm sorry. You've fallen off. You can't fucking talk you marble mouth twat hole blah blah blah

you see that's proving my point isn't it you gormless tot sausage marble mouthed marble mouthed clang clang so look

we're doing we're doing we're going to wrap up now and the wrap up involves this that was fun the wrap up involves this to be fair two points of interest

are all you need to know. To be fair. We had a bit of fun. That was quite fun. We had a bit of fun. Miss Will gets a minor pass. I wouldn't recommend it as a game to play. It's more of a collector's piece. It is a collector's piece. It's a relic of its time as they say. You could use it to teach people about how sexist the whole

world used to be. God. Yeah. Well definitely Britain. Or at least give a context of like where you could get bad diamonds from in Cape Town. Without knowing, you would have guessed that Miss World

was an American thing. Yeah. Wouldn't you? Because it's got that glam and glitz. A British bikini. It's basically an expensive knobbly knees competition.

C-size knobbly knees, yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. It's highly high knobbly knees but with, you know, bikinis. The bikini is the thing that I think launched this. Right. Now I've got to wrap up. Okay. And the wrap up involves this. If you want anything to do with Che you know, bikinis. The bikini is the thing that I think launched this. Right. Now I've got to wrap up.

Okay. And the wrap up involves this. If you want anything to do with Cheap Show, dead simple. Go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Links to pages about information on each episode. There's links to videos, links to all of our social media,

links to our Instagram, links to YouTube. It's there. One-stop shop, thecheapshow.co.uk. Also, we're on on patreon if you'd like to support us and you can do that then go to patreon.com forward

slash cheap show and as I like to say give what you can but only if you can please that is what you like to say and to those of you who already support us on patron thank you very

much your continuing support means a lot to us so thank you patrons deeply and sincerely. And that's it. Scrubby, scrubby, scrubby. We're back next week for another cheap show. Can I say something?

No. Horse trough ensemble. Horse trough ensemble. Let's leave it on that note. Horse trough ensemble. I'm building something. It's one of my favorite bands. Horse trough ensemble.

Oh, their second album was shit. Yeah. That's not how we're ending. It is. Because you started it. You opened the door. I just wanted to say horse trough ensemble.

I'm going to say three random words then. You can't say horse. You say three better random words. Come on, round them off. Horse trough ensemble. That's my one.

That's my one. All right. Come on. Yeah. What? The raccoon jelly bank. No. Raccoon jelly bank.

Raccoon and jelly seem to go together. All right. Okay. Conceptually. And a bank. I can see. I can actually and jelly seem to go together to me. All right, okay. Conceptually. And a bank. I can see. I can actually picture that.

Fish Bonk Truffle. No, bonk is just a nonsense word. Bonk's fine. I will accept fish and truffle, but bonk needs to go. All right, well then, okay, I'll put in. He's looking at his pin bad boards, everybody. Fish Haberdashery Shuffle. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, I like it. Yeah? No, it's too wordy. Cod box funk. Ooh, cod box funk. That's what I get on a Saturday night. Yeah, I can smell it from here.

I'll see you next week, everyone. Thanks, everyone.