CheapShow - Ep 346: Come Hungry!

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

It’s not been much of a Summer this year, so while the sun is shining and while there are plenty of cheap eats to sample, why not go on a picnic? Paul & Eli gather up all the PO Box snacks and head off to Wimbledon Common in South London for another outdoor misadventure. As ever, there are thrills and spills as the cheap chaps stumble, sometimes drunkenly, through the woods looking for little nooks and crannies to stuff their greedy faces. Over the next two hours, you’ll hear them question the existence of some awkward porn, get typically lost, discover an ancient well, get spooked by a lady in the woods, and force all manner of great and grim snacks down their gullets. There’s bickering, laughter and disgust… but will they find a bloody Womble? Find out! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-346-come-hungry And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter (we’re not calling it X) @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow ALT ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, it is Cheap Show and it's another Walkabout episode. But today there's no agenda. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a nice day and so we thought we'd have simply a picnic. Isn't that right? Yes, but couldn't a picnic be described on some level as having an agenda? You have an agenda to have a picnic. I want you to drop that.

I want you to empty your mind of everything, of all purpose. We've got one thing to do, and that's to get drunk today in an unknown bit of London. We're getting drunk today. Paul, you instigated this. I didn't instigate anything.

You did. You said drinkies, drinkies. I didn't say drinkies, drinkies. We haven't got any desperados, have we? Just because you didn't manage to pass a shot with Desperados in. No, I chose not to buy Desperados to subvert expectations. You know what? You've changed. You've grown up.

I'm not shedding a little tear here. I'm a big boy now, Daddy. So what we're doing today is we are in the Wimbledon part of London, and we are starting at Wimbledon Park, and we're going to head towards Wimbledon Common. Along the way we've got a lot of things to eat on our picnic things that have been sent in largely by you our lovely listeners who have sent us things in the PO box and before the sell-by date runs out we're going to eat as much as we can today and give you our thoughts on that stuff uh all sorts of food stuffs. We have crisps, snacks, chocolates,

confectionery, sodipops, drinks. A bit of everything, mate. Do you have any cured meat? That's it. My penis is a little bit withered, if that counts as cured meat. It does, it counts as atrophied cured pool jerky. Yeah, mate, I'm going to need a bit of pool jerky today, I tell you that. Oof, oof, I tell you. It's like organic bubble gum all between my gums. I tell you what, my underpants, mate. Talk about a salt beef wrap. Fuck me.

I've already decided jeans today was not a good plan because it's a lot hotter than I thought. But, yeah, it goes cold every now and then. We're in the entrance to the park. There's uh tennis courts below us as you might imagine in the old Wimbledon colors which is you know green and then that kind of it's purple purple well no there's two colors mate don't say it like I got the color wrong completely you said kind of purple I'm just I'm very vigilant about people looking at purple and calling it blue and I thought there was a danger of you calling it blue there.

There was. You went, oh, some call it purple. I don't like this drift. I was going to say puce. Yeah, it is puce. Puce is just a terrible word. It is, isn't it? Yeah.

It's not the word moist. Moist is fine. No, what, moist puce? A puce, a moist and sweaty puce. A puce is very moist today, everyone. What colour is it, Jeremy? Why, it is puce and a moist puce, a moist and sweaty puce a puce is very moist today everyone what colour is it Jeremy? why it is puce and a moist puce a moist puce at that

lick the moist puce my salt beef wrap's got a bit of a moist puce to it oh I've got hairs coming out my pucic mound right so outside of eating things and having a lovely day out and having a drink or two let me just make it clear not including your dick jerky.

Well, we'll see. All you need to know is that that's what we've got planned for today. We're off on a little cheap show picnic and we'd love you, we'd really love you to come along with us, wouldn't we? Come on. We'll wait. We'll stay here until you get here. Wimbledon Park, other entrance, a week ago.

Come join us. A raised area. It's very nice, isn't it? Balustraded, is it, they call it? Yeah, we're staring out. Do they call it balustraded? Listen to what I'm saying. Do they call it balustraded?

No. Maybe not. Well, you don't need me for this conversation, apparently, so we're all right. We're on a balcony of sorts, aren't we? A balcony looking out over the courts, and there's an inflatable thing going over there with a theme park you can have fun fair. There's a fun fair. It's not a theme park. And then there's a place for kiddies and a little

splash area. There's a splash pool. Perhaps you can hear the splash pool. Splishing, splashing kids. We're going to now walk away so we're not seen as predatory men. So we're going to start the episode right now. Come on. It's a cheap show picnic and you're invited. Yes, you've made that clear. Yeah, no, but that was my big... And then the music comes in. They're already invited, fine. Right, come on, you give me a big sign-off then. Big sign-off.

Thanks. That lets me drop the music in for this week's episode, right? And so, that's the summary, everyone. We're in Wimbledon areas and we are going on a little picnic stroke adventure. Why don't you join us right now cue the music i will take that yeah exactly Here we are. Here we are. We've bedded down for our first pit stop pit stop of um an episode

that's going to be basically just one thing us stopping in various places and tasting and drinking and drinking and tasting stuff that you the listener have sent in not you specifically you listening right now maybe you have did i do that I don't remember doing that that's my phone that's your phone but this is a general you as in the gates are open for you to bring in it's not the only thing

that's open make my arsehole really because you had that that Turkish I feel I'm one big fart away from disaster

okay not great when you're in the middle of a field but we are in the middle of a lovely really well maintained

yeah big field here in Wimbledon Park not the common the park in the middle of a field but we are in the middle of a lovely really well maintained yeah big field here in Wimbledon Park not the common the park which adjoins the common in one way or other adjoins the common

and can you see up there Paul these buildings these look very much in the sort of 60s, 70s vernacular brutalism kind of mouth I'll smash your fucking mouth

in now if you bring up brutalism why not because it's boring you your fucking mouth in now if you bring up brutalism. Why not? Because it's boring. You do it every time. You don't bring up anything. You don't talk about anything.

You just talk over me, that's why. What do you want to talk about? Doesn't matter. You'll talk over me anyway. You just did it just then. You literally do it the minute I open my flappy big mouth. Anyway.

It's my phone again. Why? Are you so popular? I'm in a lot of WhatsApp groups. Oh, yeah. Gamblers Anonymous. Drinkers Anonymous. I'm not Drinkers Anonymous.

DJ Whinging Group. Bollocks. Shut up. So anyway, we started our picnic in earnest. And he's not happy about it, I tell you. Shut up. Comedy gold. Hey, mate. Two things this morning morning i was sick on the way in

i didn't tell you that did i no because i left the house and i had a bit of a dodgy tummy this morning droppy droppy splosh splosh stuff okay i was feeling a little bit sensitive afterwards and i left the house and as i'm walking this big um what's a garbage truck bin truck bin man truck what's it called what's the word that we use in this country for it a bin van bin van no one says bin lorry either way bin lorry bin lorry yellow lorry so but the pace of my walk and it stops timed so that whenever I got to a certain point it would pull up next to me. And then I'd be like this waft of...

The guff of... And I was like, oh, God. And then it kind of went up the road ahead of me, and I was like, oh, hooray. It stopped. And as I got to the end of the road, it opens one of those great big, you know, dumpster-type bins. Yeah. And I don't know what the fuck was in that bin, mate. Something bad, yeah.

But it felt like the worst of anything you put in a body and comes out a body it is and i putrefaction yeah and it was so overwhelming that a little bit of sick came out and i spat it into a into the drain oh are you proud of yourself no because it was horrible i was all nauseous you seem to be very much set off by odor yeah when you're feeling sensitive yeah i'm odor sensitive because when we were horrendously hung over on that tequila oh with bifo and sanya yeah um the smell of our morning mcdonald's made me honk my gut it honked you honked hard i really i can sympathize with with that. But then I was waiting for you at the station

and I was standing there and two guys came across. This is today now. This is just before you turned up. And one of them was obviously the carer for the other and the other one obviously had special needs of some sort. I don't know what the issue is. I don't guess. But he was obviously moaning and shouting and pointing and being a little whatever.

And I was like, you know, and he walks past. And then this woman, little old lady, comes up to me, nudges me, looks at the guy who was obviously, you know, very ill. Yeah. And went, you're lucky, aren't you? And then, like, looked at him with a kind of sad eyes whatever and I just said oh you know

I have my lucky days and she went oh no no and then pointed to his head and then stuck her tongue out and then went we're lucky aren't we?

Oh gosh. And I went yeah and then she walked off and I was like I mean why come up to me randomly and just go at least we're not that guy?

Because she's lonely, maybe. No. She wants affirmation. Yeah, thank you. Exactly. She wanted confirmation that someone else understood these things. Anyway, I just found that weird. Very strange.

Going to a stranger and like, oh. Life is cruel and random. stranger and like yeah oh it's like they do say it's good for random they say it's good for mental health to have a a position of gratefulness well that's why i'm fucking miserable all the time because i'm not grateful no i know i don't have grace i know you're not i know and i'm drinking this fucking jack daniel's tennessee apple what's it like it's not nice the smell is like you say quite uh vinegary almost so Apple cidery kind of thing. But the flavour is like apple sours up front and then it has that kind of cheap liquor backwash.

Oh, I do not like that at all. What's the vodka? That's put me off today. It's only 5% as well. That's put me off everything. That's put me off being a fucking functioning... See, i thought this would be quite nice oh it's bitter it's horrible bitterness isn't it at the back yeah do you know

what i mean no i know what you mean that's that bitter why does it have to be bitter like that bitter it doesn't have any ingredients in it that's a worry in it it doesn't have ingredients on it it doesn't have to it's just perfectly mixed with tonic so wait that's the tonic that's a waitiness I don't understand is it an apple flavored liqueur in Jack Daniels with tonic or is it a apple flavored Jack Daniels with tonic water Jack Daniels put out flavored versions of their whiskey don't they yeah including this that's what it is anyone and the funny one and stuff. Yes. Which are closer, like you're right,

to liqueurs than actual whiskeys because they've got additives. Crisp, delicious. And sugar in. But yes, one of them is Tennessee Apple is one of their whiskey liqueurs. So they've taken that and they've put it in tonic. Why do they think that would go?

I don't know. But look, there's a picture of a pregnant lady. You can't drink it if you're pregnant. Yeah. Don't drink it if you're pregnant. With a no entry sign. So it says, do not have sex with pregnant women unless you're really into it. Do you ever watch those videos?

Where a pregnant woman's getting railed. How are we going to get out of this fine? And I'm just thinking, is that where the term wetting the baby's head came from? Oh, God. It's like the baby comes out with two black eyes. This is the worst level. I don't know how you got to this level. I just don't know why that would be someone's kink

to see a heavily pregnant woman have sex. It's very sensual, isn't it? Yeah, but the baby doesn't want to be involved. Well, the baby can't see you. Yeah, but it knows what's going on. And I don't want that guilt. It doesn't have language to describe it. Yeah, well, that's just horrible.

I don't know. The baby hasn't consented. The baby isn't getting sexed on. This is a troubling conversation. How about we just take our drinks and start getting sourced. Paul, can I just take you through my itinerary? Right, go on. Quick, quick. This is already longer than I wanted it to be. I've been looking forward to this picnic a lot. I've got my cheap Chinese Bluetooth speaker. Which is great because that means he can dominate the music choices

and then put all his shit fucking stuff on. If we get a bit merry, I'll put on maybe some mellow stuff. What about me? Why can't I ever play my music on these walks? You can as well. No, but we don't. I get to play one track and go, I've had enough of that. Now there's another track I've got on my iTunes.

I don't know why you get such a bee in your bonnet about this. It's weird. It's so dominating. Every time, like... It's not dominating. It's weird. It's so dominating. Every time, like... It's not dominating. It's dominating. I'm trying to like having a drink with my friend. Socially dominating. And listening to some tunes.

It's all on your terms. It's not all on my terms. It's always on your terms. I just told you it doesn't have to be... I just fucking bend over, flip my shirt up and let you fucking ram it. Ram it right up me. Why are you being so dirty today? And I do it because you...

Why are you being so dirty? You need to be fucking played with with fucking ginger hands. You've already started. You need to be fucking dealt with with ginger hands. He started drinking. He stopped complaining about the apple, Tennessee apple. Now he's gone Tennessee. I'll drink it.

He's going Tennessee. I'll drink that 5% vodka whole drink. Anyway, I've got the Bluetooth speaker. And I've brought my own little packed lunch because I knew there would be nothing of nutritious value. Do you want to have a little look? Yeah, go on, let's have a little look in his little plazzy. It's like one of those, what are those?

It's a lunchbox. No, but it's got a type of name, hasn't it, that kind of lunchbox? It's based on a Japanese bento box or something? Is it? I don't think it quite is. It's segmented. It's a segmented box, yeah. What have we got on the left segment? Can you even open it with With your hoof-like hands.

Why has it got moisture on? I hope something hasn't... What is in there, then? Is it anything wet? No, not really. I don't know why that's not coming on. This is already 11 minutes. Oh, here we go.

What have we got here, then? You've got little crisps. These are Funyuns. This is British Funyuns. Did you know? It's an outrage. You get Funyuns, they is British Funyuns. Do you know? It's an outrage. You get Funyuns, they're by walkers. And they've got the same packaging as in America, but they are half the size

of an American Funyun. And these are Mac's chilli and lime flavour. Crisps in there we've There we go. This little pot. Oh, what's in that? Horseradish. Grapes. Olives. Oh, okay. I thought they might have been grapes. Oh, and what's... Waste not, want not. This is from the Chinese takeaway the other night. A bit of char sui.

Char sui pork there, everyone. Lovely flotsam and jetsam. They've all been stowed lovely. What have we got on the other side, Paul? I don't know. Oh, we've got on the other side paul i don't know oh we've got some cold meats garlic sausage and you really have made a picnic out of this i'll give you that salami yeah what we got here sauerkraut now i want you to be eating my sauerkraut today paul i don't like sauerkraut and i won't have to eat it and also some. And also some nice cheese. All right, so have you got any bread or anything, then?

No. So how is that all going to go together? I'm just going to fucking stuff it into my gob. Stuff it in your gob, all right. Okay, good. Also, one of these for you, if you wish. A chorizo sausage. A chorizo pepperami.

Have you tasted that? Yeah, we have. Well, I've done that eight times on the podcast. You've just not listened to that episode. No, you haven't done it. No. You taste one of these. It's good.

When I used to present a cheap show with that guy, Stanley Parable. just not listen to that episode. No, you haven't done it. No. Taste one of these. It's good. When I used to present a cheap show with that guy, Stanley Parable. Stanley Parable. That is the name of an independent computer game and I think everyone knows you just said that.

Stanley Parable. So anyway, me and Stanley... Do you want me to come up with a name for you? Me and Stanley used to do a podcast together. Scheherazade Vignoble.

No, that's not a name. That is a name. No. Scheherazade Vignoble. No, that's not a name. That is a name. No. Scheherazade Vignoble. Is that who used to do a podcast with? Gordon Foreskin. No, that's terrible.

I used to present at a show with a guy called Gordon. What was a segment? Gordon's Smeggy Bits. Yeah, it was. Was it Gordon's Chunky Smeg Moment? Was it Gordon's

Krusty Smeg on the outside soft on the inside moment? He used to have a segment called Smeg my crittin' hole! No, it was called Gordon Foreskins

Under the Hood segment where he would take a cotton wool swab and just run it around the lip of his penis and just see what came out and we'd check it for viruses and bacteria you're not up for being sane today are you now start drinking so I've already bought

a box that's the end of the box so you're happy with my box yeah your box is well so I've got an earpull I've got some other things I know you've shown me yours I've got plenty booze yeah I've got booze as well we've got food from all of our lovely what are we going to do now aren't we going to taste something now enjoy ourselves now we're going to come back to i've got something i want you to taste yeah what's that pickle juice we've done this no we haven't we've done this on the show we've done that on the show did we yes no we did a while ago juice it wasn't pickle juice. It was turnip juice. Either way. This is different. There's a doggy.

Oh, my God. I thought it was going to be a bigger dog than that. We always get a dog on our picnics, don't we? Hello. Oh, he's cutie. It's all right. He can smell my salami, can't he? Yeah, I think that's what it is.

I think they found the treasure. It's all right. He's also quite friendly. It's not it's the food. Sorry. It's all right. I do. He's also quite friendly. It's not just about the food, but, you know. Well, if it gets wild, I'm sure I can handle it. Oh, yeah. We're all right for now.

Take care. Oh, a little doggy. I want to do a podcast with a dog. Now, admit to everyone, Gordon Foreskin was a dog. Gordon Foreskin was a dog. Gordon Foreskin was a dog, Gordon Foreskin was a dog. Four legs, two legs and a tail, four-legged Gordon dog. And then he used to go into the studio and go, Where's Gordon? And then he'd roughhouse him.

No, I used to egg him on to bite me, so I had an excuse to put my finger up his bum. Oh, my God! Naughty Gordon's foreskin. He used to have a thing called Tales from the Foreskin where he would talk about his favourite things

that have dropped off the tip of his penis. Where's my red bull? We're stopping. We're stopping. We're only too long on this segment. We'll see you in a bit.

And we're back. And we're back. And we haven't moved. We've had a nice drink and a chat. I mean, we've a little bit back. And we haven't moved. We've had a nice drink and a chat. I mean, we've a little bit moved, but we haven't moved. I've moved my body. My body sometimes steams up windows from the body heat. Steamy windows. Steamy windows.

Paul, can we have the final word? Steamy windows. Steamy windows. Steamy dancer. Tiny windows. Steamy. Oh, there's a train. Chuff, chuff. have the final word windows stay moving house steamy dancer tiny windows steamy set of oh there's a train chuff chuff that's a district line train heading towards wimbledon is it yeah no that's that way no that way's when you're sure yes christ you don't know that right we're gonna have our picnic now what do you now. Paul, I would like the final say on the Jack Daniels Tennessee Apple and Tonic Alka-Seltzer.

Alka-Seltzer? Alka-Pop. Cocktail in a tin. Yes. It was pish. Bad. Pish bad. Much worse than other Jack Daniels products you've had?

No, I mean, yeah, actually. It didn't work, and now I feel like my tummy's slightly curdled. I do not like that combination of the bitterness of the tonic with the... It will not be served at the next Gannon family reunion, I shall assure you. Do you know what? I don't like the taste of tonic with whiskey. No. There's no one...

It's not a famous drink, is it? Whiskey tonic, is it? For good reason. Scotch and tonic. It ruins both. I guess some people do drink Scotch and tonic with whiskey no that's there's no one it's not a famous drink is it whiskey tonic is it for a good reason yeah scotch and tonic it ruins i guess some people do drink scotch and tonic yeah but i don't like that i don't like it either and i won't have it at the next scan in family reunion right so we're going to start our picnic now there's an all there's all sorts going on here today all sorts is there we've had i've got a list oh i thought you meant in the environs this is wimbledon Park, just to remind you. Over the course of today's picnic, we will be sampling things from Yven.

We know Yven. Hello, Yven. Hello. Karen and Adam. We know Karen and Adam. Hello, Karen and Adam. You hate saying that. Adam and Karen.

And we've got something from the Killer Rabbit podcast. They've brought some stuff. Was the Killer Rabbit podcast also who we got the Transformers of? No, that was a different person. That was a Bumbley Bumblebee. That was a whole Transformers thing when we were out in the woods the other time. It wasn't them. Oh, there's an ice cream van over there.

There's a fun fair, everyone, here on Wimbledon Park. Killer Rabbit podcast sent us a bunch of stuff too, and someone called Dog and Lamb Post. Oh no, wait there. No, Dog and Lamb Post is something I'm going to say for another episode. They have an off-brand brand off.

Oh, in a box. Lovely, love it. I brought it but I thought actually I'm going to bank that for another episode. Now Paul, I don't want to be alarmist

but it has started to spit. A little bit. There was a big old rainer cloud over. It just blew over there. Now, I'm ready to taste stuff. Do you know what I have in my peripheral view? What?

Brutalism. I swear to fucking Jesus Christ almighty. I just like it. It gives it a little spice, a little visual spice for me. A lovely bit of vernacular brutalism. Which way is that train going then? That's going back to Earl's Court. Wise-ass.

He's some kind of train-ass. He's some kind of train ass. He's some kind of train guy. What an asshole. I'm ready. I'm hungry. I'm come hungry. That's what you said. You've got something.

You said come hungry. To put your teeth in once I smash them out with the heel of my shoe. You said come hungry. I am come hungry. That only makes sense if you're a top-tier patron, though, now. Ooh, well, there's a little incentive. Although, when you go to a cheap show picnic, come hungry. Come hungry.

In more ways than one. So, we've got a mix of stuff here. So, the crack, we've got crack, cracksles. Remember we had them a while ago, pretzel bites. I think from Karen Adam. Killer Rabbit have sent this honey mustard onion one. There's other ones. We're picking and choosing.

I'm having Jack Daniels. Caramel latte dime bar. Now, that has perked my interest. Percolated like coffee, indeed. Let's just do sound effects. Yeah, let's just do that. That's a duck now. Is that a duck making a cup of coffee?

I'm the coffee dog. Oh, full garbage, everyone. There's visible droplets of saliva that got caught in the wind. Are you sure you're getting picked up? Because it looks like the muff is towards me. No, the muff doesn't matter. The muffs are waving and are going.

The muffs are waving and are going. Look, hang on. Yeah, it's all good. A tinny tool come out. That's tinny one for me. Oh, yeah, I've had my tinny. I'm going to have another one in a second. And then, so, wait.

Classic Golden Wonder Bay's mace snacks. Now, some of them I had to throw out because they were crushed and stale. And this is the only one I rescued, which is Awesome Oinks. Which I like those little rings you add. Funyun rings. But I presume these are bacon flavour. And they're baked, not fried.

Finally, Paul Gannon has brought along something called kettle chips. We all know kettle chips, but these are sriracha mayo. And someone sent us a photo of kettle chips that are doing a dill and jalapeno. Which we are on the case. Yes, so they must be diversifying their flavour roster for some reason. Yeah. Everyone is, aren't they? And that's what gives us good content.

But sometimes you just think, what a crazy world of different flavour variants for every brand. What a wasteful world. And they're all going to have their own movies kettle chips the movie blue rasmuller corner the movie i'd pay to go and see that well you'd be only fucking one but on a serious note paul don't you think there's a lot of flavor diversification why don't give up i had one drink and now I want to give up. I just want to roll over. I want to do.

I want to lie down and come hungry. Drink through it. Have you got a Red Bull? You don't even have a Red Bull. I had a coffee. Right, what do you want to start with? What do you think is going to be the least interesting? That or some oinks.

OK, let's go for the oinks. Oinks. Hey, hey, hey, don't waste the snuff, it blows away. Do it. This is an alfresco cheap eats if you like and we are going, the first official item of the picnic. I'm enjoying a Jack Daniels with Coca Cola. Oh I'm going to have a drink, Daddy don't want to be left out. You're going to have a Jack and Coke baby. I'm going to have a Jack and Coke. i'm gonna have a jack coke now there you go cheers cheers thanks for joining us everywhere that comes to the station uh sits on the platform uh for masturbation now here comes the postman with his bag of his post onto the train that he likes the

most chuffity chuff is that equal here's the train driver going to town. The district line is his usual round. Chuffety-chuff, chuffety-chuff. Here is the train, comes into the station. All the people, all the commotion. This is the train, this is the age of the train. Chuffety-chuff. Ladies and gentlemen, the poet laureate, Paul Gannon. That's me.

Do you want a poem about trees now? Yeah, you might. A rufflety, rufflety, rufflety tree. The wind and the breeze and the tree and me. We're sitting there under a cloud of grey. Under a cloud of grey. The sun may not be here today, but meet my tree. But it is, isn't it?

We're hugging the bark. Oh, yeah. Having a laugh, just having a laugh. I'm with my tree, my favourite friend. Oh, my tree. My bestest friend. What am I getting off this do you think frazzles yeah pure frazzles well done just to remind everyone we are on oisum golden wonder oisum oinks uh these are you're right little corn hoops very much like a brit they've got little white bits on it's a look can you see

that they got flex I don't like flex better than I thought they were gonna be yeah they are nice and salty aren't they really salty very salty really salty God Is that the Flex? Jesus. Rapeseed oil, bacon flavour. Where's those little things? Do you know we meant to get a little thing that says how much salt's in something? Does it have it? Yes, it does.

Oh, I'm used to seeing those little logos. Per 100 grams or per pack? Oh, I don't care. Almost a gram of salt in the pack. Oof. 0.73 grams. They're all right, though. Nice. All right. Not bad at all. Oof. 0.73 grams. They're all right, though. Nice. All right.

Not bad at all. Right, next. Pretzel pieces, honey mustard onion. We've had craxels before. It was the garlic bread one. They were underwhelming. No, I'm not a fan of garlic bread. It's such a kind of oinky flavour.

Oinky was the name of the crisp we just tasted. That's why I said the word oinky. I know, but just doesn't work. Anyway. Doesn't really smell of honey mustard. Oh there's a crow on the lookout. I'll fucking kill it. The dog came back by the way everyone.

The dog came back the very next day. The dog came back to eat up all my hooloops. He was like I'm going to have a little lie down here. Yeah and you were rubbing its tummy weren't you for a bit. It was good yeah. It made its little willy come out. Stop! Why? How are we...

Week after week. The little bird tongue came out, didn't it? No, the little bird tongue. Didn't it? You made the little doggy bird tongue come out. Oh, shut up. Did you see? You were struggling to put it away like this.

Don't. Shut up. I'm going to have a pretzel piece. He's doing his own podcast. I'm doing my own this week. It's a naughty one full of rude words. Like willies. Right.

Fine. Quite nice. You get the sweetness. No, I don't like them. And then a bit of a mustard flavour. And an onion flavour. No. They're fine. They're not offensive, but I don't like them. And then a bit of a mustard flavour. I don't like them. And an onion flavour. No, they're fine. They're not offensive, but I don't like them.

What don't you like about it? Too sweet. Yeah, and it's almost floral, that sweetness, isn't it? You know, it's almost got an artificialness. It's got like a kind of lemony feel to it. That's right, yeah. Almost a citrusy. Yeah, like a tangy.

Almost like Earl Grey, like a bergamot, you know? You know what I'm getting at? Like it's a bit herby. Herby goes bananas fuck's sake is i think it might be the funniest titles to a film i've ever heard you guys why yeah it's funny sound what we gotta call our third Herbie movie? Herbie Goes Bananas. Fucking whatever. I mean, are any of them any good?

Any of the Herbie films? I like The Love Bug. I used to love them. Herbie Rides Again. When I used to go on the ferry to Holland, Netherlands, they used to show Herbie films in the foyer on the ferry. I saw, that's where i first saw her because bananas on a ferry yeah isn't that funny a little cinema room they had on it yeah and i remember being very

sad when they pushed herbie off the boat in that film i remember that film and then he turns up all rusted later yeah he comes up on the beach tragic but he's still and then doesn't like a little a mexican child like paint him up and make him all like it's good theyitate Herbie. And doesn't he have loads of bananas on him as well? No. There's a scene where he has loads of bananas on him and he flings the bananas off the doors. I haven't seen that bit. I know the bit when he falls off the boat.

Yeah, there's definitely a bit where Herbie goes bananas. Most literally. They must have thought in the scriptwriting process, right, we've got the title. He's got to have to have bananas at some point in the film. Right, just to justify the title yeah Herbie goes bananas

they kept making the films they're on Herbie 99 now no they're not the last one was Herbie Fully Loaded with Lisa Lohan what in the 90s Lindsay Lohan

in the late maybe late 90s very early 2000s hasn't it Herbie in Space haven't they done Herbie in Space no they haven't

Undercover Herbie give it a't they done Herbie in Space no they haven't Undercover Herbie give it a while and I bet you Disney Plus series Herbie the series Bad Herb Tenant or they'll turn it into a Transformer

and have a crossover The Herbinator Herbie Nater that's what I said yes now what do you want to do

let's stay with the crisps before we move on to Chock Up stay with the crisps so we're going to go with these, again, these new range of kettle. Sriracha mayo. Sriracha is huge. It's a growing hot sauce, probably the most popular hot sauce.

There's all supply chain issues with it. But it is... It's not fat. Although similar to sauces that came before. It is an invention of the late 20th century, Sriracha hot sauce. Isn't it? No tomato in it. Now, what are you getting on the nose?

I wouldn't say sriracha. I'd say like a Mexi, Mexican-style chili. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, on the nose. I agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's that distinct, like, Mexican smoky chili coming off, which isn't what I associate with sriracha at all.

These for everyone's information are kettle sriracha mayo. I have to wait. There are the trees. I'm going to go in those trees, they look deeper. Okay, but we need to... And that's in the woods. Should we taste these first? Yeah.

And then we'll take a little pause. I'm just saying. Oh, the sun's come out again. Now it's hot. Yeah. Mate, you should have prepared. I've got everything. Ice, ladies and gentlemen. That's for the soft drinks for later. I've got my little, cheap, sturdy... Yeah, you've mentioned this. You've said all of this already. Hey, are

you feeling hot? I've got a towel. Oh, he's downing me with a towel. I've got a towel. A sweat mopper. I've got a notebook if we were going to play any games. I don't think we are. No, no games. I'm not doing any of that shit. I've got pickle juice. Not having that. That'll help with the digestion. Stick it up your arse. Stick it. Oh, I have. I have.

Pickle juices. That's how you source it. You open up the pores right round the sphincter. And I pour pickle juice into my... The special glands that you have, the pickle glands. Yeah, they absorb pickle juice from my asshole. Yeah, and absorb it. And then you can squirt it out like, I don't know, at a later date eat these crisps you prick now i don't like the

smell i thought it was all right, them. Those are banging. Yeah, aren't they good? They've got a sort of sour cream sort of vibe. You know what I mean? Which is obviously the mayo. Mayo. Mayo.

Simon Mayo. And that's called the Herbie Goes Banana Boat song. They like come and we want to go home. Don't sing that song. Why not? That was on all the board. Yeah. But it's the one where he keeps getting interrupted in the studio.

Who sung that? Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. You know that song I mean? Yeah, I know this song. I didn't actually listen to that album before I gave it to you. I just got it and thought, you'd like that.

You did. You took it out of my house. I didn't actually listen to that album before I gave it to you. I just got it and thought, you'd like that. You did. You took it out of my house. I need to be taken... Those need to be taken away from me. Right, cool. We'll move on to Dime Bar Latte. Hey, we're there for a wee. No, we'll do this and then we'll do it,

because we've said it now. We've set it up. Set up payoff. So, Dime Bars. I know. I like Dime Bars. They're chocolate-covered what? It's like toffee, isn't it? It's hard toffee.

A kind of toffee, kind of brittle. Brittle toffee, yeah. But it's nice because it's nice. Caramac, isn't it? Kind of. I think they call that caramac. Oh, it's made in Birmingham, this. It says coffee-flavoured milk chocolate with a crunchy almond caramel centre.

So the caramel centre is what we know. The chocolate bit is what's coffeed. And I'm going to now have... Oh, it's all crumbly and melty. Oh it's crumbly and melty. You've crushed it you bastard. I'm not having some of yours. I'm not having your finger. I'm not touched it at all. Have that. Pull it off. I'm having a new one. Have your own now. Oh it's quite nice though. Caramel Latte, limited edition. Thanks very much for sending us this. Yeah, these are very nice. I actually really like these, yeah. I'm not a huge fan of the coffee,

but I like the almond caramel crunchy thing a lot. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, see what I mean? That works. It's definitely got that artificial coffee flavour, but quite nice, quite subtly in there. It's offset nicely by the crunchy bit. There's an evolution of flavour. You get the caramel and then you get the coffee.

Whilst the crunch is doing. I like the crunchy bit. Yeah, quite nice. I wonder if they'll continue that. And the great thing is, as this is a picnic, we're not rating shit. We're just eating it and giving you our opinions. We're not going to shitification this. No. Are we, mate?

No. Are we, mate? No, mate. What's the best one? Of what? What we've eaten. It's hard to put the dame. Forget the dame.

The dame bar. The dame bame. Forget the dame bame. The best of the crisp-like snacks. It has to be Sriracha right? It has to be the Sriracha mayo kettle chips. They are like, they are banging. Banging.

I like kettle chips anyway, always have. Yeah, I like them more than you. The whole idea that they're done by hand batching though is surely... I don't understand what hand baked crisps, we've had this discussion. Hand batch. I'm not having it again. Hand fried. Hand batch crisps.

I have a hand bash. Hand cooked in Norfolk it'm not having it again. Hand-fried. Hand-bashed crisps. I have a hand-bash. Hand-cooked in Norfolk, it says. Yeah, what does that mean? Well, like, there's a little man on the pack and he's staring it.

It would not be standing there. What's he staring, though? The oil. Red hot oil. Is that what they're saying hand-cooked means? Yeah.

But that's, he wouldn't be, he'd have some kind of protective gear on. Yeah, a hat or something for his hair. He's standing right above a huge cauldron

of literally boiling oil. And he's all like, I've just got my fucking paddle out. That wouldn't be the case. So the whole thing is just fake. He puts his balls in. What? He puts his balls in. Why does he do that?

It's funny, isn't it? No, not really. Yeah, the irony of like, he's all dressed up, eyes, goggles, hair nets, gloves lab coat or whatever balls out though just his nuts hanging out of his pants well you know that might be a good way to regulate your temperature do you know that's why your nuts are outside your body

to make sure they don't get pinched by crows no that why would that crows do you not have crows crows will pinch them if they're in your body is what you're saying why would they be outside your body is what you're saying why would they be outside your body to help with crow pinchage

I'm not talking about the scrotal sack Paul mate I'll be honest I've not thought that through no you don't think about anything through but I just know

crows are after my nuts I see them basically I see them it was a mystery I see them it was a mystery to people because it's like

why would you put something so important outside outside the body you could put it behind a bone plate which it is in a lot of animals but isn't it to heat it's like why would you put something so important outside outside the body you could put it behind a bone plate which it is in a lot of animals

but isn't it to heat it's the heat thing to regulate your temperature yeah because little sperms because your testes

are very the sperms are very sensitive to temperature changes and so they can be you know that's why I like hot baths

it's basically for the good of your future generations that your balls are so vulnerable. Oh. And why do crows want mine? They don't.

They do. There are crows near us. Look at that. He's eyed up my balls right now. He can't see your balls. Look at him. He fucking knows. He can smell them.

He can smell them. He can smell the mustardy funk. There's a little mustard funk whiffed off. Look, he's thinking, Oh, my God, I got his balls. But he's also thinking off he's thinking oh my god i got his balls but he's also thinking he's making he's probably he's probably making some kind of calculation yeah even on a subconscious level of how thick the rind is that he'll have to peck through to get to the softball flesh

he's got a lot well it's that's from the smell he gets all those cues he gets near and goes, caw, caw. Peck, peck, peck. Shut up. Right, we'll see. Is that it? We've done this area. We've done this now and now we're going to set off. We're going to move on, everybody.

We're going to finally head on towards Common now. And I'm hoping we're going to get a bit closer to the old... The old... That little brutalist estate over there. If you say the word brutalist or brutalism or even brutal... Late modernist estate over there. If you say the word brutalist, or brutalism, or even brutal, or the word brutal... Late modernist estate over there. I will.

You'll do nothing. Feed your nuts to the crows. Yeah, you won't. I'll peg you down on the ground, legs and arms pegged down, with just your nuts out, and I'll cover it in grubs. Cover my nuts in grubs? And then set the crows on you. Yes, and then they'll peck away the nuts, will they? Peck away your nuts, yeah. Thinking it was grubs. Cover my nuts in grubs. And then set the crows on you. Yes, and then they'll peck away the nuts.

Peck away your nuts, yeah. Thinking it was grubs. I'll paint you willy white and make it look like a grub. Shut up. I'm trying to have a fucking decent adult conversation. I'm done now.

I'm done with this. And I'm done with you. Let's finish off here. You always say that as you. Let's finish off here. You always say that as well. Let's finish off here. You say nothing. You make a load of noise. Let's go and move on to the next segment. The next place. We can't be here all episode. We could. We could

just be here the whole episode. Let's move on to the comments. I think we should go somewhere a bit more wild. Because I want to go womble hunting. Oh, wombles, yeah. I want to go womble hunting. Oh, we've done the wombles. go womble hunting. Oh, wombles, yeah. I want to go womble hunting. Oh, we've done the wombles. They like nuts too.

Also, you know, Mike Batt has a satellite, and when you talk about the wombles on Wimbledon Common.

A battelite? Yes. Mike's battelite satellite. It's Mike's battelite satellite. And then the SWAT squad,

but they call it the Bat Squad, they will come, and they're all like a private army that he has to enforce his copyrights. Am I losing you here? Mate, I had a sudden drop. Oh, drop in energy?

Drop in energy. Why? Because crows. It's good, the crows. They're coming to get me. They've gone. Look, I can see at least 12 crows. They're all after my balls.

And I won't have them. You won't have your balls? You can't have them. They're mine. I've grown them myself. And they're only fit for the king. Right, let's go and see where we end up on the next segment. Let's do that.

Say goodbye for now. Shut up! You're not the boss of me. You're not the boss of me you're not the boss of me now bye everyone for now right we had moved hello we have moved. Hello. We have moved since you last heard us. Quite an adventure.

Did you see how much I was sweating on that bus? Yeah. Woo! We bought a bus, everybody, because the Common wasn't as close as we were led to believe by certain other co-hosts. Oh! Dear Eli, here's a WhatsApp message asking you what the best station to get

off at which is closest to the common eli goes wimbledon park no we discussed it the other day we agreed to that the other day i was simply remembering that anyhow the point is that you came up with wimbledon park because i don't know the area and you took a wild stab in the dark and this is where we are yes that's true so we got a bus from the park to Wimbledon Village. And we are now walking the last leg. We went past the whole Wimbledon complex. Oh, yeah. All the tennis stuff.

It really is extremely wealthy. I suppose it's the biggest tennis tournament in the world. It's one of. Yeah, it's like part of the Grand Slam, isn't it? So it's one of the only. I think it's the only Grand Slam which is on grass. Yes, that's like part of the Grand Slam, isn't it? So it's one of the only, I think it's the only Grand Slam which is on grass. Yes, that's right. All the others are on plastic or metal or something.

Or composite, they call it sometimes. Chocolates, biscuits. Biscuits. Biscuit tennis. The number one sign, Paul, has run out of ideas. There's two number one signs to look out for, everybody. Please mark this down in the runtime of this episode. Post it to us on a cardboard postcard this is how you make passive it's another bin truck

it's not going to make you puke that's not it it is it's a biffer biffo it's not a biffo biffo bin truck oh ah freshers of daisy oh mate freshers of daisy Dave Yarspew I think this is it I think we're here look see it's all pastoral look at the common spread out before us and there's a column isn't there or something what's that?

some kind of monument yes on the edge of the park here should we go over there? North Cheam, where's Cheam? it's around here do they come round here? it's around here does that come around here? it's very much outside of London here it feels like

it doesn't feel like Hampstead Heath which is obviously a park within the city this feels like the edge of the city doesn't it? the edge

of the very edge but we are here I compare all parks in London to Hampstead Heath because that's my one no no no can you please just cheer up

I am happy he's in a mood everyone I am not in a mood at all. I'm actually feeling, well, I'll be honest, a little bit drunk. Oh, dear. So, what do you want?

Do you want moody, mean Paul? Or do you want horny, aggressive, violent Paul? I just like interested and eloquent Paul. Well, that ain't happening. No. That ain't happening. Not this week, not next. Mate, why can't we do it at that little island?

Because we've got to go to the monument. Oh, Christ. Right. In the night of the unwise, they seemed to die. Yet is their hope full of immortality? In honour, memory of the civilians of Wimbledon who lost their lives in the Second World War, 1939 to 1945. And those killed in other conflicts.

So it's one of those war monument things. This is where they put poppies once a year, isn't it? And then everyone shits a brick about who or doesn't wear a poppy. So I look forward to that. I look forward to those conversations that come around every year like, why isn't there International Man Day? die hard as a christmas movie or fucking you know what i mean talking points well it's like fuck off you can see if the weather's been really nice we've been lucky but look at that anvil shaped cloud ahead oh that's going that way though it's a

storm cell that isn't it yeah but that's going away some lovely weather because it is quite unbearable when it's just in the direct sun. I think we're in the common now. It's the height of summer. We're on the common. Now, this is where... We've hit scrub. We've hit scrub hard. No.

I don't want no scrub. Shut up. Scrub is a womble can't get no trash for you. Watch out for them. Picking up the recycling trash in your best mum's cash. How many points do we get? How many stowbarts do we get if we see a womble? If you see a womble, you've got to pluck a hair from its head as proof.

You can't just say there's a womble. You can't pluck a womble hair. I've plucked many a womble hair in my time. I'm always plucking wombles, me. I thought you were the womble plucker. I'm the womble plucker and the womble plucker poo. And the plicky plucky plucky Plucky Flicky Plucky Poo. You fucking shat the bed on that, didn't you?

I don't know what the song is. You should have said Womble Plucker's son. I'm not the Womble Plucker, I'm the Womble Plucker's son. I won't stop plucking Womble till the Womble Plucking's done. I didn't know the words, did I? So I'm glad you've taken the weight off me with that. I'm not the Womble Plucker. Where are we going? Where are we going?

We don't know where we're going. This is just another road we're heading towards. And I want a picnic i i want a picnic i want to pick nick this is the common it's very much scrub nick i want to pick i'll give you a picnic this bag's heavy i know my bag is very heavy my bag is heavy with snack but we have arrived at the common basically paul we've tasted a lot of stuff we're just going to taste some more stuff and then i want to i want to smash it up to coin a phase yeah i want to throat quench fuck my throat with gnts okay he's gonna quench fuck no i don't want no scrub i want to do three hard quench fuckings of my throat with canned gnts. Nice. Yeah, I'm going to do it too. You're pissed already. I need to catch up. I've done one...

I'm not pissed. I'm in that state now where I'm floppy, happy, floppy. Floppy happy. Floppy happy. I like it. Hard happy. I prefer it hard happy, darling. And remember, come hungry. If you're coming on a picnic with us, remember to come hungry.

Oh, that's what I can tell them. I literally think I'm only going to say that word a couple of times because that way I can use it as the episode title. Come hungry. I want to call this episode Come Hungry. Call it that. Paul, I should tell everyone. I did bring a prepared picnic, which I mentioned earlier.

So just a quick rundown of what I ate just now. Meat. I had German garlic sausage, salami Milano. He just a quick rundown of what I ate just now. Meat. I had German garlic sausage, salami Milano. He was a lovely gentleman. Car, car, car, car, car. Milano salami. Car. A pepperami chorizo. No, don't let go. Sauerkraut, black olives, the Turkish breakfast wrinkly kind. Yeah. And some horsinkly kind. Yeah. And some horseradish. Yeah.

And some crisps. Funyuns and Walker's Max chilli and lime. You fuck it. Yeah, well, there you go. That's the update. And what was your favourite? It all went together well. A lot of meat there, though, wasn't there? A lot of meat.

And I had some cheddar cheese as well, sorry, it off I'll top you off but now we can cross the road that was a nice lunch box yeah well it's just a little one it's like Hampstead Heath and it's got little roads that go through it is it is quite like the Heath except it's not hilly so I think we're I'll check my GPS mapping system on my futuristic tablet from the future like one of those religions yeah that's the road we just crossed so we're looking we're going to a bit that isn't green for some reason will that be that'll be open oh it's just all woody oh that's good then isn't it let's go in the woods yeah yeah how many stove bars do we get if we see a swing oh now if we

see a swing i bet there's so many swings around us. I bet I can feel them all sitting there out there. There's at least seven swings tingling in the breeze. Waiting for my butts. My butts to swing on them. Polish my plank with your bum bum halves. I have stopped walking. Because I refuse to be walking next to that.

They're going. They're whispering. Polish my black with your bum bum halves. Polish it. Who's whispering? The swings. I'm anthropomorphising the swings into spirits. I thought they'd have a more sing-songy voice, like...

Come and play with us, Eli. Come and play. Like a sort of terrible, sort of tired pastiche of an 80s horror film. Do you know what you're a tired pastiche of? Myself. A man. A human man. You're an ugly parody of a human.

Oh, don't. You're a grotesque pantomime of male pointlessness. Look at this lovely old oak. Oh, look at this lovely old oak. I can climb that. Get a picture of that. I'm not having... I don't care.

All right, let's find somewhere to sit down and drink then. I don't care about that either. What are we doing? What do you care about? Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour. And he comes down and gives me gravy, yeah? The Saviour who's graviour. Shut up, shut up. I'm Paul Gannon, and I'm going to be selling from next year's Saviour's Gravy.

Yeah, gravy, Saviour's Gravy. Look at that little thing down there. Oh, let's go down that way. Horse poo poo, look at that. Horse gravy. Saviour's Gravy. Look at that little thing down there. Oh, let's go down that way. Horse poo poo. Look at that. Horse ride. Dogs must be kept under control. Oh, there's a lot of shit here. Even if you need to roughhouse your dog.

Roughhouse the dog. Oh, yeah, there's loads of shit up there. That's definitely a bridal path for horses. Bridal pathway. Yeah, so we're going to go down this little pathway. By the way, a bridal pathway is where ladies get married. I took my wife up this bridal pathway. Oh, etc. Oh look, there's something going on through there. There's a man walking his dog. Oh, it's all scary here. It's nice. It's a bit thick wood. It's a bit covered, isn't it? Well, can we sit down up here, do you think? One minute, Eli, we were in the village. Busses, hustle and a bustle. It was very well to do.

It's even more posh than somewhere like Hampstead. It's Richmond in its vibe. But now it's like, where are we? For we are in the woods, and the woods will claim us. A lot of well-off people around here. What, in the woods? Well, Wimbledon. This is a lovely little pastry coming up.

Do you think Womble's a nouveau riche? Womble's sold out, mate. This is a beautiful pastry. Surely the Womble's a nouveau riche? Womble's sold out, mate. This is a beautiful pastry. Surely the Womble's won't get us here. No. I don't want to be in the Womble Woods. Oh, look at this. This is great.

I don't want to be in the Womble Woods. You think this is great? So we'll have a picnic here? Let's do a little bit of a picnic here, though. Will it be a bit weird? Because people walk past here all the time. I mean, it's fine. We're out, aren't we?

Yeah, I guess. There's no real saying you can't sit down. What's the worst that's going to happen? Dog fuck you up the arse. A big dog. How would you? That'd be close to the worst. Especially because I'm filming for TikTok.

You're such a... You never stop with this shit. Where do you want to stand then? Where do you want to go? Over here or over there. Yeah, but I don't know where there is. What up? On the tree line. All right, on the tree line is a fine place to be.

And that's where we're going to come back to you after this short commercial break for wall sausages. Sausages. I eat sausages every day. Can I have more sausages, please? Can I have more sausages, please? Right. Oh, there's a bench.

Right, that's an exception. Can I have more sausages, please? Can I have my sausages, please? Right. Oh, there's a bench. Right, that's an excuse. Can I have my sausages, please? Right. No. What? Naughty Eli. Rich ones. I'll smack you on your bird's tongue.

Rich ones. No, what's another sausage brand? Wolves. Rich ones. Wolves. Rat versed. I'm just going to stop this recording now. Curry versed.

Quick update. Bench news. car reversed quick update bench news we've decided that this bench is a sign that we should be sitting on it, Eli explain to us without laughing, why this is a cheap show appropriate bench it's because of who this bench has been

dedicated to Paul I'll just read the plaque now shall I in memory of jean half 1926 to 2010 and her dog pickle yeah who loved this common yeah well what would that say you made you laugh i'd like the dog pickle obviously dog pickle i'm thinking just oh yeah dogs and pickles big my antennaeinging, little bit of ectoplasm coming out the whole, the metres of my antennae

went back to the name the fact that this woman, this dearly departed woman probably a very kind woman, surname sounds like a dog barking Harf there you go, Gene Harf Harf yes barking. That's all you wanted to say really? No Pickle! Pickle down! Shut up now. It's Just enough. Enough. It's been a dog-themed walk so far, hasn't it?

We should have asked the name of that dog. You were too busy chatting that woman up. A woman who simply asked us what we were doing and I said we were making podcast. I thought she was on the balance of going Karen and saying you must stop. No, that's just your cynicism speaking there. Right, can we just set up for our picnic now? No, that's just your cynicism speaking there.

Right, can we just set up for our picnic now? Oh! And it's got no hairs on And it doesn't spooge much And when it does its own Oh, good. I think we've been surrounded by kids, naughty teenagers, out for no good. I heard them shout, have a wank. I heard that.

But maybe they saw someone else who was wanking. I don't think so. Oh, mate, don't fucking burp that way. That way, that way. It came my way and it was... And what did it smell of? Like pepperami. Yeah, nice.

Like chorizo pepperami. It was fucking horrible. Fucking cool. Fucking horrible. I live for that. For you to taste my breath air. To taste the breath air. The breath meat.

Well, great stuff. Sup on the breath meat. Good stuff. No, it's all good. Lick my breath meat from the air. Next time I have a fart coming on, I'm just going to make sure you're a tongue's breath away from it. Well, that's absolutely revolting,

and I don't know what took you... What took... What you were took by, by to... To... Yeah? I don't know. What took you to get you to be that revolting? I'm going to let this hang.

Hello. Right, we're now on to the drink. I've let something hang. I'm letting it hang right now. I'm going to need you to focus. Panty liner, nuzz nuzz time. Nuzz on the helmet. Nuzz on the line, it's all mine.

Nuzz on the line. Nuzzle in line, it's all mine. Do you want me to be here for this? Because I'll just go home. Oh, people, behave. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. Act normal for a little bit. Because we're going to try these drinks. Nuzzle on the line. Because.

Nuzzle on the line. Because. Why is that? I don't get it. I don't get it and I don't get you. Nuzzle on time. It's all mine. Nuzzle on time. Yes, we're having a picnic. Sorry, Paul.

Can I just say sorry? I'm sorry. I'm having a lovely time with you. That dog's going to come and get us again. We're going to be dog mad. Oh, have we told them about the bench? We have, haven't we? Yeah, we told them about the bench.

Pickle the dog. Let's dedicate this episode to Pickle the dog. No. Pickle the dog. Dedicated to Pickle the dog. Roughhouse the dog. I'll roughhouse your dog. My dog's not ready for roughhousing right now.

It's still in the kennel. Well, then let me. It's still in the kennel. It's in the pound. I'll pound it. I'll pound it. I'll pound your dog. I'll pound it. I'm going down to Pound Town to roughhouse your dog.

Right, well, that's the top bans out of the way. We can move on to the part of the podcast where, oh, no, it's gone grey again. It was bacon a minute ago. Oh, I like this. It's all chilly. To me, this feels nice and cooling. I have liquid foreheads from the bus.

What? I thought I saw a ghost then. I thought I literally saw someone dressed in red walk between the trees. Oh right. But then when I like my eyes figured out the spot there was nothing there. Nothing was there. But I saw something just go like that,. I saw an arm and a shoulder. Well, if it doesn't feel right, say to me... You need...

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. You need to fucking book up. Book up? You need to book up and get involved. Okay, I'm involved. You know what will help? Three drinks, ladies and gentlemen. Drink your Red Bull.

I'm going to drink my Red Bull. Let's get the ice out. What's your ice? And your little thermos, which I had to carry. I'm going to drink my Red Bull. Let's get the ice out. That's your ice. And your little thermos, which I had to carry. I've bought ice. We've got three Cokes. I think it is raining now. We've got three drinks.

It's started to rain. Mole Cola. We've got something from the Killer Rabbit podcast called the C&C Music Factory Blueberry Lemonade. It's not called Music Factory. Yeah, it does. Try more flavours. Now, these two root beer. Have you seen these?

About these CC ones. And DD Ice Cream Tea, which Eli brought. Ice tea. It's not ice cream. You're such a fucking mouth cunt. This is rich, coming from a guy who was literally just saying buzz on the line for five minutes and making himself wet his cocks. But when it comes to describing accurately the names of the drinks that we will be tasting,

you have failed. You have failed. Let's do my head in. So, three that we will be tasting. Oh, mate. You have failed. You have failed. Let's do my head in. So, three drinks we're tasting today. You're ruining this picnic for me. Mole Cola, which is Italian cola. Then we have from the C... Mate, I just said this.

The C&C company. I just said this. Blueberry Lemonade. I just said this. I personally think this Blueberry Lemonade is just fucking blue rat in another... in disguise, isn't it? It's just a lemony, more lemony blueberry flavour.

Great. And you've picked... I've picked all this up. Dee Dee iced tea cream. It's not cream. You can't. It's not. It's iced tea, this Dee Dee, and I've got a story that goes with that. Tell it now.

No, we'll get the drinking. Tell it right now. I won't tell it now. Because I'm getting tired of this and you. We're... Shut up. You just have getting tired of this and you. Shut up! You just have a sip of something and we'll have a go at it. I'm going to have a go at CC first. Is that what you want to go first?

Yeah. Do you want some ice? No. Save it for the iced tea and the cola. Look, let's get the ice out now. It's starting to rain. You're making me knock everything. You're knocking everything of your own accord, mate.

Right. Do you want ice? I've never heard of C&C before. They do, like cream soda and all those classic American ones. Let's see how my big ice cubes are. Moment of truth. Oh, they're quite big. Drain off some of the drippage.

And melt water. Melt water. Right. Naturally and artificially flavoured. Can you hold your thing out? It's non-carbonated. Oh. Non-carbonated. Oh, it's flat.

I can do this. Right in your face. Why? And then do that. And nothing happens. You hope nothing happens. Nothing happens. Look, see?

Yeah. Oh, fuck me. I'm giving you some ice. Mate, that smells like... You know those lollipops that are made of chalk? Those chalky lollipops? Mate. Yeah?

You know those chalky lollipops? Yeah. That's what it smells like. Smell. Are you going to do the squeezer? I'm not doing the squeeze. Oh, that's so artificial. Isn't it? The lemon smell.

A bit all chalky. Let's share this ice, okay? Yeah. I'll do one cube at a time. It's a big old cube and it's going to get a nice chillage on it. Is that all you want to taste? Well, yeah, in case it's shit. It is going to be shit.

Well, it might not be. I predict the blueberries are going to be artificial, the lemon's going to be artificial. It's going to stir the ice a bit. It's going to be overly sweet and artificial tasting. This is my... I'm just jostling the ice. Right, here we go. Oh, it's nice and cold here.

It's not awful, but it feels very diluted. I wonder why they've gone for a non-carbonated... It's like cloudy lemonade. Yeah. Which is non-carbonated as well. So they're going for a still... It's not bad, it's actually, it is more like American lemonade than British, and that's fine. Ah, it's just not much to it.

Not much to it, but it's not unpleasant. It's not terrible. It's fine. I don't get much blue raspberry, it's there in the background. I don't get blueberry. Oh yeah, blueberry I guess. Yeah. Sorry, I've just been brainwashed by the word blue raspberry.

I know. You know. But it, yes. It's fine actually. It tasteswashed by the word blue raspberry. I know. But it, yes. It's fine, actually. It tastes more like blue raspberry than blue raspberry, doesn't it? Blue raspberry is more than... Blueberry. Blueberry.

Blueberry raspberry. It's fine. It's definitely better with ice. You can also get strawberry... Raspberry blue, raspberry blue. They also do a strawberry kiwi lemonade. Yeah. And based on this, I can easily imagine what it tastes like. It just doesn't taste overly sweet, does it? No. It's not that sweet. It's lemonade. Yeah. And based on this, I can easily imagine what it tastes like.

It just doesn't taste overly sweet, does it? No. It's not that sweet. It's fine. Yeah. It's fine. If you're in the mood for that,

I'd never go for it myself. It's all right. It's fine. I don't, I'd take an iced tea over that. Well, let's try this iced tea. You want to go to the iced tea now? Yeah, DD iced tea

and this is peach flavoured drink. Now, I get this a lot. They have peach ones. Yeah. Paul, they have lemon but the really unusual flavour. Dog shit. tea and this is peach flavoured drink. Now I get this a lot. They have peach ones, Paul. They have lemon, but the really unusual flavour, which you don't see in a lot of mass produced iced teas like Lipton's, is bergamot. Berga? Mot. Which is the flavour you can get in Earl Grey tea, which the Turks drink. The Turks, when they give you a cup of tea, it'll be

Earl Grey, black Earl Grey. Oh, okay. I like Earl Grey. You'd love this. Let that be on the record. Dee Dee Doo and Earl Grey. Essentially Earl Grey iced tea. Dee Dee Doo. I was buying a can of this the other day. Yeah.

Dee Dee Doo. Dee Dee Doo, do they? Dee Dee iced tea, that's what this is. Dee Dee iced tea, do they, do they, don't they? They do, though. Oh, they do, though, don't they, though? They do, though. I was buying some in the grocer the other day.

I've checked out. There's a lot of They do though. I was buying some in the grocer the other day. I've checked out. There's a lot of Turkish grocers. I've checked out mate. And... I've gone. He's... I'm not here.

Just listen to me. I'm over there. Okay, well I'll keep on talking. Keep on talking. And I'm buying this and something else and he goes to me, he goes, are you Turkish? I'm like, what? I'm not like, what? I'm like, no, I'm English.

Yeah. He said, oh sorry, I saw the DD. So it must be such an emblem in Turkey, or big brand, because he thought no one who wasn't Turkish would even ever buy this. Isn't that funny? So, obviously a big brand in Turkey. No, it's not funny. Well, funny as in, ooh, that that's a bit queer like that? No. As in, oh unusual. Isn't it funny? I'll say at most it's a wry tale. Isn't that a bit wry? Yes. Just like my. So if you want to convince someone you're Turkish, tell them you drink DD. We're tasting it now. Is this carbonated? No.

I wouldn't imagine so, right? No, it's nice too. I think you'll like this. This is the peach flavour. Smells alright, doesn't it? It's very nice. Pour it on some ice. There we go.

And now to jostle it. Now I'm going to drink from the S because that's where your lips haven't been nor have your shit-stained fucking nicotine-flavoured fingers been. My nicotine-flavoured fingers have been known to sully tasting experiments, haven't they? Yes, and that pineapple thing you made me smell. It smelt of my fingers. It really did. A combination of shit and fags.

It's not shit. I don't have shit on my fingers. You're just being so terrible. I bet you do. I bet if we took a scraping of your finger now, and we put it under a microscope, odds are that's got a bit of shit on. No.

I bet it's got a little bit of shit. I bet you it doesn't. I bet it does. I bet... Even I would say I've got a little bit of shit on my finger. All right, so you've got shitty fingers too. I've got shitty fingers. Okay, fine.

I'm happy to admit that. I will admit, I will admit, if there's a microscopic piece of shit on my fingers, it'll be at no higher level than you. Won't have a higher parts per million. More. Shit parts per million.

Because you're a deep sea scratcher, aren't you? A deep sea scratcher. You go right into the abyss when you get an itch, don't you? No. You fucking fiddle with the brown crabs. I don't, you don't know. Shut up. You fucking aficion.

Taste this iced tea. Oh, taste your iced tea. This is a peach flavoured DD. It's very sweet compared to... That's alright. Yeah. I thought you might like that. It's quite subtle though, isn't it?

Because a lot of peach teas are peach forward. But that's quite tea forward. In a good way. I like it. I'm happy with that. Very quenching. You know? Yeah.

Leaving the mood for an iced tea. I'm just going to take some neat. I like it. I'm happy with that. Very quenching, you know? Yeah. Giving the mood for an iced tea. Just going to take some neat. Take some neat. Oh, yeah, without the ice, it's a lot more prevalent with the peach. Is it really? I think the ice kind of brings out the tea or something or distills that peach. Still not unpleasant. Not a complaint.

Not too bad. Just an observation. Now. Yeah. If you were listening last week, we did Inca Cola last week we did which was fine lovely

which the Wikipedia page said that it was tied in with the whole national identity of Peru not nationalism but the national

identity and so this links in because this is cola that we're going to taste from Italy mole cola it's even got a

flag on the top and it has the Italian flag on the top now you'd think somewhere like Peru maybe they need a drink to be an emblem of their nation. But Italy have so many different things already, don't they?

Parmesan, cheese... What's wrong with being proud of your own home-grown... Spaghetti, pasta... Chocolates. Fucking pesto... Cheese. Parmesan, cheese... Mopeds.

But do you know what I'm... Gladiators. you know what i'm getting at the roman how many equivalent things latin how many equivalent food stuffs can you name from peru sausage exactly you can't paddington bear shut your stupid ill-educated mouth ill-educated mouth. He's came from Peru and you could eat him. Paddington chops. So it's... Mate, I'm bored now. Go for a drink.

It's strange to me that they're going for a nationalist thing here. Yeah, but like, so what? Because the idea is why not be proud of everything your country makes that isn't invaded

by American conglomerate business? But there seems to be so many food things in particular that are associated with... That's like, that's vimto for us, isn't it? Associated with Italy.

Such as the Gary Baldy biscuit. If you can take that. Gary Baldy was the unifier of Italy. But then he became a biscuit. No, he had a biscuit named after him. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. He became a biscuit.

So there's a lot of... Like Christ. Parmesan cheese. Christ became a biscuit. Tomatoes. Why don't we have Christ became a biscuit. Tomatoes. We have Christ biscuits. Jesus waffles. Or Christ crunch.

Christ ginger crunch bites. Or Jesus sausages. Shut up. Jesus. Anyway, so I'm... Can we finish it's just very cheap, this cola. Don't pour the melt water out. Pour it out, see? See what I've done there? Clever me, that. So I think this is probably a low-grade cola. You don't know. You just don't know. Who's to say Coca-Cola itself is the best cola you can get? It's all horses for horses. I don't believe it

is the best cola you can get. No, I don't believe it is. What would be your... If you had to go for a cola? Up until recently when they fucking started putting the sweetener in, I would have said Fentiman's Curiosity Cola was mwah. But then what was that other one

that we... Gusto. That's expensive though, but that's a good one. It's good. It's good and it uses our garve. It will never go aspartame. Yeah.

Mola Cola's opening up. Opening up its pleasant surprises. Christ. Christ. Pop. Goes the weasel. Come on, pour it in. Shut your mouth. You're just slow.

You're a slow man. You are hurrying towards your fucking demise. You don't enjoy this podcast. You don't enjoy doing the podcast. I do. You don't enjoy editing the podcast. do you don't enjoy editing the podcast no no I've never said

I've enjoyed editing the podcast because it's a labourious and it hurts my arm after a while I get what's that thing in your wrist you get

carpal tunnel syndrome yeah I get that in my hands from doing it it's painful every week I spend hours making micro movements

with my wrist to cut out every oh now get a good half of the bubbles no I'm having a complaint about my workload and now you just do your thing movement with my wrist to cut out every... Now, get a good half of the bubbles. No, I'm having a complaint about my workload. And now you just do your thing and then on a Friday,

like the tooth fairy, a magic podcast pops up in your feed and you go, I made that. No, you didn't. I didn't say I did. Smell it. Smell the Mold Cola. What are you getting? A nice clean cola smell. There's a little bit of bleach in there there is a bit of bleach isn't there but like in that kind of like lemon pledge kind of thing but i mean look that's just the smell let's see what it tastes like on the mouth now this has been

frozen big ice cube doing its work that's a very subtle cola i mean it's not overly sweet it's not cola i mean it's not overly sweet it's not big with flavor but it's very pleasurable i just find that flat i agree with you it's flat no i don't mean the fizziness no i know but the flavor's not huge but it lingers it kind of it does linger a little bit it tastes like a melted cola ice pop. Yes. Doesn't it? Yeah, like a Mr. Freeze cola. It so does, doesn't it? It's weak. A little better than that, but still. I mean, I don't know.

It's going straight from the bottom. I have no problems with this. You don't have a problem with it? No. It's not outstanding. It's not like that sports cola we had, which was fucking banging. It doesn't taste like panda pop shit. It's a decent quality cola.

And they've just gone for, I think, a purposely more subtle flavour. The other thing to mention regarding Italians and soft drinks is they have soft drinks in Italy which don't occur anywhere else in the world. So why do they need cola? They have Chinotto, for example. Yeah. And all those bitter sodas and things. Maybe they just thought Coke's popular, let's make our own version. You see what I mean?

They've got kind of this unique position in terms of culinary exports. I like the bottle. I like the shape of the bottle. It's kind of like a kind of dress-like almost. Yes, it has a special bottle. I mean, it's similar in shape to some expect to the Coca-Cola bottle. But it's striated. It's got all these markings on it to make it look like a dress. It pitches on our website

from this episode, obviously. You've got a picture of that? Yeah, when I took one before when I was doing all three. So it's sort of trying to do an Inca-Cola thing, or the template from Coke is to get a bottle trademarked as well as the, you know? Well, because to the eye, and you're in a store, you go, oh, I know that. Yeah. But Coke were the first to do that with their special bottles. Yeah, which was allegedly based on the whole special dresses of the late 1800s,

the stovepipe or whatever you're called. Yeah. And then famously, Virgin Cola, when they came out in the 90s, based their bottle on who? They even named the bottle after it. Pamela Anderson. Yeah, they called it the Pammy. Yes.

Because it was apparently her dimensions or something. Do you remember that doesn't even exist anymore, Virgin Cola? I used to quite like that. It was all right. I don't think it was the best thing. It was okay. It had its own thing going on, didn't it? It was like Coke, but more so.

Yeah, because then everyone started weirdly copying their one in the iconography. Because I remember Sainsbury's had their own colour for a while, which looked purposely like Virgin Cola. Yeah, for some strange reason. I wonder why Virgin just decided, no, we're not in the cola market anymore. Probably because they really couldn't compete. Think about it. They're jumping into a market way late,

after like 100 years of Coke and 80 years of Pepsi or whatever. So, you know. Funny, though. There you go. Shows you, Branson, you can't fucking just throw a lot of money at something. Virgin tried everything, it seems like. Yeah, she did. Sorry.

Shut up. So, that cola, a bit underwhelming for me. Not terrible. I think my favourite thing might be the cola, though. We've had... But only because I'm not a huge fan of iced tea. I'm fine with it. Oh, we had the lemonade, the still blueberry lemonade.

CNC Music Factory one. Which wasn't good. I didn't think that was. That was my least favourite. I love iced tea, personally. I love a can. Oh, that's quite pleasant aww I need to eat a sausage quick

yeah you need to stop saying sausage I need to have sausage burps you need to stop saying three things sausage bing bong and what's the biscuits

hey hey everyone sausage bing bong biscuits you love it I want that on a t-shirt stat sausage bing bong biscuits so love it I want that on a t-shirt stat sausage bing bong biscuits so when everyone wears it

and you go you have to explain why you're wearing a t-shirt that says that you feel a bit embarrassed yeah with what you've decided to do with your life

yeah because irony only goes so far in real life right a lovely spot here on Wimbledon Common still no Wombles no Wombles yet

but if anyone we might call our Mike Batt expert later and see if he knows based on the movements of Mike Batt where we could possibly find a Womble or two. He might have an inside line to the... I'd like to see Tobermory or whatever his name is.

Uncle Bulgarian. The Battleites. Is our picnic at an end yet, Paul? No, our picnic has just begun, Mr Silverman. Is it? We've got more stuff to eat. Because there will be full sex in half an hour's time when I unpack my inflatable lady. Oh, and we both

give it a John John? No, you're just going to watch and I'm going to put on a show for you that will blow your mind. Can I? Can I ask this? Suck your dirty cum

out of the horrible plastic vagina. I think, I think, I've been a good boy. God, I don't know why I'm talking like this. I think, I feel good, boy. God, I don't know why I'm talking like this. I think, Eli,

you've earned it. You've earned to slop my sloppy gubbins. I would like to felch a plastic doll. You can have my grey matter, mate. Anytime you want. Is it grey matter?

Mine comes out very grey. It's almost like metallic. It's weird. It kind of comes out like enamel paint. Should it? Should it? Should it come out like the stuff you'd paint a transformer with?

I'm battling nausea right now, and I'm not going to... I'm not going to... Should it fizz? Do you know what? In your fucking world, all juices fizz. All things froth. All juices in your world, don't they? Froth and foam and bubble and sludge.

So, you've got no connection to the actual physical universe which we all inhabit whether you like it or not paul we're all bound by nature don't start to hit me don't i broke a twig in anger there's oh there's a lot of doggers not doggers dog dog owners doggers anyway let's just get back to our picnic and we'll see you a little bit later. All right. That was a bit of a week ending, Eli. Should have been much better than that. But I'll forgive you for now.

It was you. Because it's the time of the month for you, isn't it? Your tenements time, isn't it? Oh, wow. When you begin to seep and sap and froth and foam and bubble. I do not. Yeah, you do all right you've attracted that dog's attention he's got all right look at he's making eye contact and he wants that dog heard you say bubble but fudge bubble oh right we're gonna turn this off uh but there's more

picnic coming up just a little while come hungry remember it Remember, it's our picnic, so come hungry. We haven't got an end for this. You haven't got an end for anything. I've got an end. Here's an end. Still on the right path? Oh, that wasn't no gentleman. That was two elderly ladies of a certain age. And they were antiseptic wiping their hands. They were having a very, very thorough whoop of their hands.

I wonder what that means, Eli. A toilet, a moist, what we used to call a moist toilet toilet a moist what the toy towelette a towelette a moist towelette moist towelette what we used to be allowed to say but you're allowed to say moist eli when moist mints i want to know one simple question simple what would two ladies in the woods need to wipe their fingers for perhaps they picked up i think probably because they've been handling dog their dog dirt yeah so it wasn't as though each other's um slippery we weren't doing some old kind of finger banging or anything okay um good luck to them full oh yeah no if they that's what they want to do I don't want to speculate

I think it's kind of distasteful that's a nice house isn't it oh where's this we've so just so you know we're walking to caesars well we found it on a map when we were just idly looking for another destination and caesars well is a well it's it's a real well it's it's beautiful um it just looks like a village here doesn't it oh god Oh, God, it does. We've come out into a little clearing. And there's just a lonesome bench. This is like Hampstead of the South, isn't it, really? Hampstead Heath of the South. Oh, it's a bit windy as well.

I want to stay on the path, though. Why, the wind? No, because that's where the route goes. Just keep down here for the night. I'm not keeping down here. I've got olive pips and some sauerkraut left. You know you want to suck the juice off my kraut. I don't want to suck your sauerkraut.

I could do a squeezy. Bare grilled salt and a squeezy kraut into your gobble. Eli's had one too many. Oh, I've had one too many. He doth speak. You've had... Oi! You see that? It was a beauty.

He hit me then. He hit me then. So look, there's a path going this way. Who's this? Maybe it's a dog themed owner. You'd die, wouldn't you? In memory of Peter Ashworth. No. 1920 to 1999. Which means he lived 101 years.

No. Yeah, that's right. There's the facts for you. Clickety-click. So we're walking to Caesar's Well, where we think we'll have the next and final bit. Peter, Peter. Is there? Yes, little Caesar's Well.

Oh, God. No? No. Why? Why? Peter? and final bit pizza pizza is there yes little Caesar as well oh god no no why pizza no you're trying not to eat pizza you're throwing me off

because it gives you the shit yes I think it's your favourite food my days of eating pizza every other day of the week is now over because the last time

I had a deep pan multi double cheddar whatever god almighty god it's the cheese it's not the bread and the... Mate, it could be all of it. All I know is... It can't be all of it. It felt like all of it coming out the back end.

Oh, did he, did he. He shat, he shat, he shat, shat, shat, shat, shat. Honestly, it was like I was folding duvets as it was coming out. You were in a duvet factory. You know what I mean? It was just all, like, very fabric-y and chunky. It was like you were watching one of those strangely satisfying videos about a toffee factory. Yeah. It was very much a toffee factory situation.

A consistent consistency, if you know what I mean. Yeah. There was a smooth consistency. But it felt like it was being pulled out of me rather than me pushing it. it doesn't really matter about the details i can't have pizza top of that house oh yeah nice bit of blue cameo effect and a sun with the plaster the cock and it looks like a church spire or something this isn't look there's a map here let's have a look i'm gonna have a look at this map map of wimbledon and putney common we are here oh here we go and where's the uh we're heading towards putney aren't we well no look here look

you are here thatch cottages we go down there queen's butt queen's butt look we go down there look the queen's butt you know like a joke about that? Yes. Stagbog. Yes. I'm going to make all the obvious jokes right now. The Queen's Butt is right next to Stagbog. And look, it's next to a gravelly ride. I don't know what that means. That's what the Queen's Butt gets when she goes to... There's seeds as well.

We're not that far away from it. I thought we were further. It's just there. Right. Springwell Cottage. I have it on my computer device. It's telling us. I have a map.

I have this interactive map. Rifle butts. Tea room. Upper gravelly ride. You want to go with that? Come on. You've got to take a picture of this, though, mate, because my phone's off.

I'm charging the phone. Oh, yeah, I will. Or I hope I'm charging it. Let me get one with you next to it. Yeah, that's good. Can I look cool like this? Can I look sexy? I'm trying to big up my sexiness this year.

Fine. This is good. Yeah? Natural. You know? Not forcing anything. Not forcing anything. So, yeah, let's go.

I'll get one of this, though. Get a close-up, yeah. Because there's Caesars Camp. And Royal Wimbleyden Golf Course. Has nothing about the Wombleys, though. You'd think there would be. You'd think they'd do something Wombleydon Golf Course. Has nothing about the Wombles, though. You'd think there would be. Do you think they do something Wombley? I think they feel it's a bit below them.

But it's a big park. Why do they have a Womble park? Because no one around here needs money. They don't need to attract tourists, do you know? The Camp of Sixteen Pines. Farmbog. I like the names of these places. It's very much retaining the rural history and the names.

Rangers Cottage. Golf Course. Hook. Oh, I just saw that. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Slide. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.

Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook. Hook.. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. rock. What metal does that fucking pond's name? That sounds like a fucking great album. Golf and Grapes? No, Fox and Grapes. I'd have some grapes, but the fox, I think I'd pass on the fox. Right, okay. I'd have to look at how they'd done the fox. Right, you'd done the fox.

It's probably like eating, like we said, like eating wambles. Which way are we going? If you had to eat a fox. Oh, there's three paths. Which will you choose? Which will you choose? Yeah, chucker! See, call back. It's funky. So there's a paths. Which will you choose? Which will you choose? Yeah, chocker. It's funky.

So there's a three-way path. Shall I make it look like I don't know which way I'm going? Yeah. So I do this. Where am I going? Yeah? I'm pointing now. I'm not going to point in this direction and look quizzical.

I can't believe it. There's three paths. This has got a real House of Heath vibe. Yeah. With the houses. Why don't you speak to the mic so all the lovely ladies and gentlemen can hear you. It does very much have a House of Heath.

I know I'm complete, always comparing the Heath. But look, with this little bench, the tree, old ancient trees, and then the very posh. Posh houses. Austere, big old houses. Daddy bought this in 1920 and it's been passed down to me. Look at the, I mean, big old houses. Daddy bought this in 1920

and it's been passed down to me. I mean, it's quite exquisite, the plaster work at the top of those. Yeah, quite exquisite plaster work. So, are we taking the left, the middle, or the right path? I think it's this one we're staring at now. Bong.

Bong, let's go. By the side of the houses, bong. So, we're going to go this way now. We're going to head on our way, we're going to make it. We're going to Caesar's go. By the side of the houses. Bong. So we're going to go this way now. We're going to head on our way. We're going to make it. Guys, it's Caesar's well. And what is it? Is it a Roman well, you take it?

It's a well. Yeah, it's a Roman well. It must be Roman because it must belong to Caesar. Not that Caesar hung out here because he didn't, did he? It's also not a statement of his health as well. How's Caesar? Caesar's well. I Caesar sees as well. I can't see that from here, can I?

What do you think? Charlotte Bovary. Is he going to be an actor? Probably. Or like a statesman? Or a politician. Or a scientific man. I can't get close enough.

Well, we'll never know. Fuck them. Fuck it. Alexandra J. Potty. Is it? Yeah. It says Alexandra J. Potty. Is it? Yeah. It says Alexandra J. Potty on that. He's gone off to have a proper look now.

Is it Johnny Aston? Jonathan Aston? Josephine Butler. That name rings a bell. Yeah, it's rhyming slang, isn't it? Josephine Butler what? I took her up to Josephine. No, why is it everything we do about this

is the thing I've noticed with you recently as well you're doing a lot of bum humor I'm sorry it's like you're doing a lot of humor that oh there's another blue plaque on the house next to it I was gonna say cool eh oh that can get fucked though but no you've obsessed with bottom there's so many things in the last few episodes alone where you've been like, up the arse, up the bum, whoop, woof, whoop the waft, up the bum hole. No, the waft. I love it. A waft of gas is not the same as up the bum.

I'm just saying, mate, that you need to change the record because your bum material is wiping out. Wipe out? Yeah, good. No, well, good addition to that. It's so pleasant around here. Oh, look, there's another opening up. It's in their tainest white. Yeah. You know, this is what. Well, good addition to that. It's so pleasant around here. Oh, look, there's another opening up. It's in their tinnest whites.

Yeah. You know, this is what I mean about the poshness. It's funny, I always feel like an interloper. This is a golf course now. Yeah, so I think that we've gone, oh. That's why they've got tinnest whites. That was weird that you can just walk straight onto the golf course here. Path over, one down and across.

Ah! Right, I'm going to stop recording now because I am tired of my wrist in this position. Okay, but we're going to have some candy for dessert. Yes, when we get to the well. When we get to the well. Seas as well. We're going to do that now.

Yeah. Oh, there's another bench. Andy Dewar. Much loved and greatly missed. 71 to 95. Oh, dear. 91 he's in his 20s yeah god are you how's your digestion it's all right let's just keep on the path to find the well we'll see in a bit everyone's just fucking walking all over the golf course how is that allowed well he must be a member shut up up, we'll get killed. No, it's like, look,

everyone's just randomly walking with their dogs all over the place. I'd be fucked off if I was trying to do a... If I was trying to get my stroke in. It's a public course, obviously. It's just unusual. Because usually these things

are all get off our land and it's all private and fuck you. We could come down here with an Airabie and play Airabie golf, mate. Oh, man, I'd love that. Would you?

I would like Airabie golf. Yeah, we take turns. We've got to throw it. Let's do it on the podcast because I'm so into that. Let's figure out somehow to do frisbee golf.

Somewhere like this where you're just allowed on the course, basically. Oh, you know. Golf isn't new. Well, I don't know. Pastessians and runners must take care

and be vigilant. I guess so. Well, you learn something new every other day. So, I just want to find the well. So, we're going to see you after we get through this park stroke golf course thing stroke uh thing see you in a bit

Eli's wigged out because so So, look, we're just... God, I can't think. I'm confused. We've walked and we've found Caesar's Well, and it's a hole in the ground, and it's cool. We've got pictures on our website. We're going to do some research now. But there's a lady sitting away from the well, and she's on a rug, and she was doing clapping for a bit

and I think she's doing some kind of chanting or chakra thing but now she's singing and it's nice but also it is kind of unnerving so she's just kind of being one with nature which is fine

you know what I mean it's fine but I will go over there and quietly ask her to stop because we're doing a podcast. Are you ready for the lowdown on Caesar's Well? Yeah. Wimbledon Common is an extensive plateau of floodplain gravel

overlying a bed of London clay. These strata give rise to several springs, the best known being Caesar's Well, so-called because it's located some 400 yards due north of an iron age hill fort dated circa 250 BC and fancifully named Caesar's camp so he was never here of course it's bullshit it's one of those things like Boadicea's nipple or whatever so so is it a real well then that the latter now forms part of the Royal Wimbledon Golf Course. This must be with this. Yeah. Yeah, where we are. But does it say anything about if it's a real well or how deep it is?

No, it is a real, it's a spring. Okay, does it say how deep it is? No. But it all, I mean... Oh yes it does. The wellhead is an elevation of 190 feet OD. Does that mean above seawater and it's about five feet in diameter enclosed by a bricks around in 1829 didn't i sell you that's actually you did yeah obviously we're saying oh it can't be from the roman era and it's not in 1872 dead in the victorian era by the present structure which consists of 12 massive stone slabs radiating from the lip of the well there you are inscribed. Oh good, because it was scribbles on it, like etchings, so what does it say? HW Peak MP. Peak as in peekaboo. 1872.

What does that mean? HW Peak MP 1872. Does that mean maybe that was the name of the guy who put the stones down? It served as a memorial to the then local member who played an important part in conserving the common. The guy, Mr Peake. Yeah. Sadly, Caesars Well is now filled with thick black sludge

to within a foot of the brim. This is because the spring beneath suddenly dried up in 1911 for no obvious reason. A boring was made a few feet down the hill and water tapped at a depth of 18 feet an enclosed standpipe was installed and the water once deemed to have medicinal properties issues musically from this we should find that what they've actually this spring is actually further down they put a pipe in

yeah issues musically from this flowing into a massive granite cistern then through a drain hole down a tree trunk wow this sounds great where are we going to find that where are we going to find that then i want to go to the tree feet down the hill it says it must be further down there right yeah we can go we need to go let's go but we've got to do another chunk of our picnic and I think it's time for event stuff yeah now event sent me a letter

what part of the world is this stuff from I think it was when you went to Poland right Polish grab I don't know can you recognise

the the company the writing we've got a few items we've got they're called I don't know I mean I don't know what these are the writing. We've got a few items. We've got... They're called... I don't know. I mean, I don't know

what these are. They look like they could be M&M's but they could be fruit ones because there's corn. So is it flavoured corn? What do you think that is? It says candy.

Grand candy. That's the name of the company. And then something... Yes, I think these could well be flavoured what we'd call corn nuts. Well, we get barbecue corn nuts, don't we? After a night in the saddle. Yeah, all right. Sorry. Open here. All right, I'm gonna open it. Try this. So there might be confectionery stuff. It's sweet corn nuts. It's not gonna be good. Can you smell it? It smells of popcorn, doesn't it? No, stuff. It's sweet corn nuts. It's not gonna be good. Can you smell it smells a popcorn?

No, no, no new stuff. It smells quite sweet. Oh I don't like here. You don't like it There's a almost like a licorice note to that yes a Vanilla, it's a very and there's sort of like a slightly creamy sour milk These are these yeah yogurt. That's that's right yeah these aren't gonna be good these are yogurt covered fucking corn novels they're all different colors there might be different flavors but i i can't translate it because my phone's off we're in the dark oh god they're soft that is not what i like they're like little wafer balls yeah they're like you

know like cheap ice cream cones it's like that in the middle with a really well the kind of creamy M&M the green one was really creamy they're all the same they don't taste it oh they do they because they've got different so yeah they're like starburst fruit candy flavours over a sort of fondant with a cheap wafer in it. Yeah, that's it. A yoghurt milk centre. There you are.

Well, they're certainly unique. Well, we ate a few. Now, look, it says on the cover what it looks like. See? Yeah. Right, well, that's that. Thank you, Evam. Next, do you want to try this one

it looks like oh it looks it's got kebabs on it's a kebab flavoured wafer with a goose mascot naughty goose there's a goose in a tuxedo with a bow tie

the only goose I'll accept I hope these have a beefy whiff coming straight off the pack go find out oh they were so almost sickly sweet those last ones really sickly sweet

there's a flavour profile I'm trying to remember from that oh I'm getting a beef I knew I'd get beef straight off the pack. Go find out. Oh, they were so almost sickly sweet those last ones. Really sickly sweet. There's a flavour profile I'm trying to remember from that. Oh, I'm getting a beef. I knew I'd get beef from the brown packaging. Smell the beef. You got beef

from the brown package. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It's because these are kebab, beef kebab flavoured crackers

and I'm, for one, I'm looking forward to this. Well, good luck. I hope it's everything you've ever wanted. Oh they're like they're like those cracker breads.

They're potato crisps. No they're like long crisps. Oh yeah they are. Oh they're nice. I don't know why but they're nice. They're like potato chips. They're like very long

very long square cracker shaped Pringles. Yes. Like ribbon Pringles. Ribbon Pringles. But thinner. And actually this is really nice. Mmm.

Oh, we like them. Yeah, very good. Nice balance with the potato-y with the beef flavour. You know, not overpowering. No, it's really subtle and quite nice. I don't know what these are, they look like toffee. Pancake flavoured? Oh, she's off again.

It gives it, it gives everything a bit of a folk horror vibe. There's a bit of a folk horror vibe. If one of us is dragged off screaming, not the bees, the bees, or, oh, Jesus Christ, oh, no, then send help. We got murdered in the common. I'm not looking forward to this

because this has got another... It's a pancake. It's a pancake, but it's made by... It's a pancake. It's a pancake, but it's made by the Yogurt Ball guys. It's brand candy. Same guys. And that sun in the corner looks like it's taking the absolute fucking piss.

It's like... All right, mate. Tongue out. Who's ever had a tongue out emoji? It's a fresh looking... I think it's going to have yogurt. Oh, it's a smiley pancake. I can't take a picture, can I, unfortunately, because of my stupid fucking phone.

I'm not even going to go into that right now. All you need to know is that my phone will not charge at all. So anyway, it's a pancake with a smiley face on. Eli's taking a picture and that picture will be up on our website by the time you hear this episode. So head to thecheapshow.co.uk. Also, quick aside, we're doing a live show in November in London, South London. Tickets on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

Get them now. Are you ready to taste this pancake, then? Yeah, go on. Now, I'm going to wait for you to eat it, and then if you don't from it, I'll have it. He's chewing it. It looks very dry and fudgy. What's in the middle? Is it fudge? Is it fudge in the middle?

It looks like fudge on the packet. What is it? It's sort of fudge. I don't know. It's not got much flavour. Eat it! You're not checking that. I was thinking of saving it, honestly, for later. But I might not at all now, considering every time you bite into it, it looks like you're going to be sick.

Oh, she's banging her bing bongs again. She's having a great time, though. It's flavourless. The filling is flavourless, sickly sweet with no flavour, you know? Oh, dear. And then it makes the pancake taste almost a bit stale, bready. Right.

Like brown bread, stale brown bread. Yeah, well, maybe I won't have that then. You're a chicken. No, I just don't... You're chickening out. It's fine. It always happens every podcast. That's why they call me the super taster,

because I'm prepared to super taste everything. Well, what about this then? This is sweet walnut candy. Oh, I don't like walnut. Have it. Have it. I'll tell you what. I'll have it

and then you don't. Yeah, all right? You can just taste this, yeah? I'll try this. Here, you open it for me, actually. This is Toblerone shaped. Well, the box... Shamelessly.

Well, no, because it's just a triangle box. It's not like the same colour scheme. It's Toblerone. I keep fucking forgetting to aim it at my face when I'm talking. Anyway, pull it out. Tobone shaped oh god that looks like nut brittle it is not brittle but walnut not brittle yeah oh it's more like a turkish uh delight so it's i think this is um

like grape jelly you know like toaster lights made out of oh god all right let's have a bite there it's um sticky it's got cellophane on it. Just tear it, just pull it. I'm going to. Just get your fingers in and tear it. I am. I am. Get me fingers in.

Get me fingers in. Hey! Hey, Eli! Hey! How about before I put it in my mouth, you don't jab it up your fucking nose? I didn't, I just didn't touch it. I didn't touch it, I just smelled it. I did that. Alright. I'm sniffing the wrong thing now.

I sniffed the microphone when I should have sniffed the fucking snack. Here we go. Let's have some words about what it looks like. I can't smell much, but it looks like, honestly, if you want me to be blunt and vulgar, it does look like really nutty shit. It does, doesn't it? If I'd seen that staring up at me from a pan,

I'd be like, fair play. Anyway. Bite it, eat it. I can't smell anything there's almost no all right here we go god that's rubbery i was honestly expecting it to be like soft but that's rubbery that's like i was biting through a tire yeah it still feels like that it feels like I'm biting through a cycle's inner tube. Any nutty notes?

I mean, it's nutty, but the gummy bit almost tastes like pledge. It's weird. What is that flavour? That's such a weird flavour. I can't place it. It's like Turkish grape. It's not. Maybe it's a grape jelly thing.

Maybe. It's grape pectin. Goopy grape guts. Look, just pull a bit off and bite it. Oh, he doesn't like it. He don't like it. It's very pectin. Goopy grape guts. Look, just pull a bit off and bite it. Oh, he doesn't like it. He don't like it. It's very under-sweetened, isn't it? Yeah. But you see what I mean? Like, it's very rubbery.

Yeah, it's like a grape molasses, I think. But I thought it was going to be either really tough and chewy, or like soft, like a kind of syrup. That's not my kind of deal at the moment. That's not saying, yes, hello, mouth action, Eli. Look, the winner here, clearly. The winner clearly clearly was that so let's clean our palate with that cuboid Pringles beefy cuboid Pringles we're gonna look at the go see we can see yeah we'll go down in a minute and do it we're just gonna wrap up these little snacks thank you then thank you very much that the highlight was

definitely these kebab snacks the yogurt balls were a bit discombobulating not awful but not for us no and the walnut thing was just nah no thank you that's a whole lot of weird in my mouth mate just have them go on they've got a greasy taste treat yourself let's oh she's off binging her bongons again anyway we're going to investigate where this stream goes it sees as well and then I reckon our picnic's nearly over, mate. I'm going to have a few more bevvies. Share your bevvies with me.

No, because I... Share one of them. No, because you don't share me your stuff, do you? I would have. You don't share me your stuff

because you buy stuff you know I don't like so you get to keep it to yourself. That's not what I do. You do, you do. You always go, do you like this?

And I go, no. And you go, oh, I had a drinky-winky. Just saying. Just saying. We're here together. You don't want to have like this? And I go, no. And you go, oh, well, drinky-winky. Just saying. I'm just saying. We're here together. You don't want to have it. I'm just saying, mate, that I bought it for me.

You don't want it all. I do. I would very much like to. I would very much like to. Are you poor? You're already three sheets to the wind, mate. I'm not. You are.

How dare you? Let's do the line. What do you need me to do? He's patting himself on the head and walking straight forward that is not complicated that's what mad people do if you're walking around going look at me i think the drinking has gone too far and i'm keeping a sober head so we can get us home sick and sound. Are we not going to do any gummies on the way back?

Yeah, we'll do another one on the way back. Is the picnic over? God, this picnic feels like it's been going on my whole life. Yeah, it's been a long picnic. Strange day. But we've seen holes in the ground, holes in the sky. Highlight for me was Caesars. There's been a lot of dogs.

A lot of dog walkers. I think you're just that far out that you just don't get a lot of sort of... We've got that lady over there doing her chanting and chakras and stuff, which I think is nice. I think it adds flavour to this walk. It adds a creepy witchcraft flavour. And that.

So we're going to say goodbye for now, and we're going to come back to you once we've had a little bit of a sit down here, and then we'll set off. And I think, yes, Eli, it's time to wrap up this picnic. Oh, God. And... and then we'll set off and I think yes Eli it's time to wrap up this picnic oh god and uh I've got the burn from the Red Bull Burns Red Bull Burns not just a Red Bull Burns though is it it was the Red Bull Pawn Star cocktail that you chugged no I'm not going to share anything I want to wrap this segment up and you're just coming across

like a desperate toad. A desperate booze toad. I quite like that. Drank it. Drank it. Drank it. I am going to... I'll just have...

You've got your Guinness. You've got your Guinness. Fucking enjoy your Guinness. I'm going to have my G&T. Okay, Mr E? Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, everyone.

Cheers. Merry picnic to you and a happy new beer. What was the favourite thing you put in your mouth so far today? That man on the golf course wasn't he? What was his name? Aaron was his name. Yeah, what was his career? This segment should have ended three minutes

ago. Ah, he didn't want to go there with Aaron. He's a policeman. Alright, he's a policeman. I don't want to hear this. He's a policeman. The sun has started to crepuscularly... Oh yeah, that's a nice shot. It's coming through the trees. Yeah, all right. You do that, then, and we're going to wrap up,

and then we'll come back to... Oh, you've made this complicated. See you in a bit, everyone. Shake it off. No, we are not. It's not one of my wizard gags where I try and catch Eli urinating. No, we're at the actual spring. She's left an offering. That's definitely what that is.

Come on. The witch lady has left an offering. It's not a witch lady. The good magic lady has left an offering. She waved at me, did you see? Oh, no. She waved at me and I waved back and she nodded. She was cool.

Okay, I'm not saying, but she was a bit witchy. Slightly witchy. She had kind of new agey vibes. New agey. And look, she's left a bed of leaves, foliage, an acorn. Not an acorn, what's that called? A pine cone. Pine cone. A very nice smooth pebble.

Yeah. Can you see that? Yeah. And several berries and she was feasting on the berries herself. Yeah, she was. She was feasting on the berries.. Yes, she was. She was feasting on the berries. This is the spring. Matt Berries.

If you remember, the article, that was a very informative article, everything there, said the spring has actually been relocated once that dried up, that one. You're going to go through that tree then? You must do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is that piddly, piddly, that is the spring. I'm going to taste some of the water.

All right, do you take a picture of the acorns and shit? The pinecone? The offering. We should leave an offering. Okay, what can we leave? Let's leave a berry. No, we don't leave a crisp. Well, that'd be more...

You know what? I don't want to leave anything now. Why? What? Why not? It's an effort. I don't want to do it. We're? What? Why not? It's an effort. I don't want to do it. We're so like, TV, turn the TV on.

This is a magical moment. Literally, we're in tune with a geographical, a geologic energy here through the witch lady with her Tai Chi dance. Yeah, it was nice.

Good, it added colour to this, I think, rather pedestrian day out. Shut up. The moodiness of you. I not moody do you get your head in there why oh i'm tasting you're tasting it you taste it you go sup sup scoop a little bit it's nice yeah yeah it's medicinal apparently It's nice. Yeah? Yeah.

It's medicinal, apparently. It's all over your beard as well. Oh, God. What if it's full of bacteriums? It's meant to be a spring. If it was, then they would close it off, wouldn't they? I'm sure there'd be someone testing the water every now and then. I'll have a bit.

You have a bit. Is it brackish? It's pretty nice, isn't it? It's neutral. Tastes better than the tap shit. Yeah. Got to go wee wee now I hope we don't get both of us

getting the fucking extreme volcano shit well we've had a volatile mix of booze and food today look at the way the sunlight is

playing across that gate it's golden yeah we've had some pretty great pictures I'll get that in the background

yeah I'm gonna go up the hill because honestly I've never been with in common before which here this side all right i'm gone i'm just gonna put my hand in the pocket look cool yeah i thought so very cool so uh we're gonna now well here's the thing we've done we've decided it's nearly the end now of our it's getting darker the grey sky is looming the Sun is setting yeah we had some of Caesar's water so now we're gonna head back to the war memorial remember we mentioned it on the way in we're gonna go back that way and get a bus to the station where we're going to go home.

There's only one way you can go. You can't keep going further the way we're going. You have to turn around. That's the second time we've had to turn around. Yeah, but otherwise we just go deeper into the woods. That water now, it's funny taste in my mouth from that water. Really? I'm all right.

Oh, no, wait there. Metally. Yeah. Like you've just been sucking a coin. Yeah. Maybe that's good, though. Maybe that's vitamins. It's metal. Yeah, it is pretty good, though. Maybe that's vitamins. It's metal.

Yeah, it is pretty metal, mate. Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Yeah, pretty metal, mate. Metal, man. All right, so shall we set off then to the war memorial, where we'll have our final little snacklets of... Some jellies. Some gummies and jellies from Karen and Adam.

And then we'll get on the train and fuck off home. Because I've got to go straight home and start editing this. this well it's going to take forever for you to get home an hour and a bit so took me an hour and a bit to get in it's fine this is the badlands man south of the river south of river anyway Eli shut your mouth I am absolutely done talking to you we're going to turn this off and we're going to head back. We'll see you in a bit. You done talking. When you started today, you're done talking with me. You're done with this podcast, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes that what I say is true.

You're done. I'm not done. I love this podcast. It's my baby. It's my child. I raised it. It's everything to me. Creepy. It's everything to me and I put everything into's everything to me, and I put everything into it. And that's why I fucking hate you.

Are we going to leave some kind of offering, a Rizzler or something? Why don't we leave you here? She's put a very nice new age star. Let's express our artistic... Here's the thing. What if by adding something to it, we create a curse or some negative something or other, and actually

disturbing it is the worst thing we could do we should just leave it and move on I'm not saying we should disturb her offering

don't ever disturb the witch's offering poor witch's hole we should have brought Keith oh that would be amazing

the amount of energy flashing through the air it might be too dangerous it would be fucking hardcore there'd be sheathing lightning bolts tearing the sky a thunder.

Spiritual energy. Like that, like the end of Indiana Jones. What's this? I thought I felt a droplet then. I thought I felt a droplet of rain. Shall we head off? Yeah. I've been trying to wrap this segment up for five minutes.

Thanks, guys. Thanks. See you in a bit. Right. Okay. here we go we are at the corner of the common big broad open space ahead of us the war memorial is over there turn your trancy dance off because we're gonna have our dessert now on our picnic of a selection of candies from Adam and Karen. And I think these, actually, these here... I don't want to eat those. Why not?

They look nasty. And we had the bonbons from them. This is slush puppy chewables, it says. I reckon they're going to be like Chew-Its. I think they'll be worse than Chew-Its. They'll be a sort of generic Chew-Its. I'm going to find out right now. It doesn't say what... It just says slush puppy the original

hang on wait juicy strawberry flavored mini chews the most generic of flavors you could have picked is there even a strawberry uh slush puppy flavor is that like is there i know cherry and cola yeah but i thought no i thought red was cherry and yeah blueberry you're obviously wrong why am I obviously wrong because they're strawberry chewable ones yeah but we've already established that the name fucking means nothing

alright maybe oh these are just crap I know what this is there's no surprise that possibly could happen with this shut up I'm opening me sweet it's always it's a filling pulling sweet hang on There's no surprise that possibly could happen with this. Shut up, I'm opening me sweet.

It's always a filling, pulling sweet. Hang on. For fuck's sake. Don't come off in one go. Fucking stuck paper all over it. It's very plasticky. And unremarkable. Yeah, that is as boring as shit as you can get. Wow.

It's just that kind of tingle of sugar at the front, a wisp of strawberry, and that's it. Horrible. I'm going to spit it out. Oh, now you've put soil on it. Now I'm burying it. Like a dog buries his dirt. What else have you got?

Because that was seriously bad. Jelly sticks. Say again? Jelly sticks. Yeah. Lots of different flavours here, Paul. So which would you like don't mind i bet they all taste the same they are long straw shaped gummies really long

straw narrow gummies i had to put my teeth in to get it out that's fine that's fine here's one of your juices red one for you hang on that looks like liquid doesn't it look liquidy this is going to be all liquid once you open it? It feels like... It's jelly stick, though. It's jelly. It's very watery jelly, obviously. I don't like this. How are you going to get in it?

I don't know. It is like that wet jelly you get in a pot. Oh, and it doesn't taste nice. Paul has given up already. I bit into that, and it was just grim. That's like given up already. I bit into that and it was just grim. That's like shit strawberry flavour. That's horrible. That is horrible.

Mine's like pineapple. Oh. That's generally horrible. That is not good, is it? Who thought it would be a good idea to put a stick of jelly? It's something kids go for, isn't it? Just get them a pot of jelly then. Just give them a sugar cube.

Let's go have a sugar cube. Skip the middle man. Just eat this sugar. Right, so next we're going to do ooze tube. This is a blue tube of blue raspberry. Is it blue raspberry? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Oozing with... That's what you get for snatching it out of my hand, isn't it? I know, sorry. I almost broke my sunglasses. It's a tube like a toothpaste tube of blue goo. To be fair it is like a toothpaste tube but it's also very much like a hair product. Hair gel. Hair gel tube.

Looks like hair gel. Might be hair gel. I'm going to use my tooth on this as well. Oh man I've got all sorts of terrible flavour anundrums going on. And yes I did. That's strawberry jam. Yeah. Fucking horridrid are you ready

open up and get your medicine I'm going to squirt it where are we doing it I'll squirt it in your gob put it on my tongue no tilt your head back there you go

it's not coming out hang on it's not oh wait maybe there's a maybe there's a thing so it doesn't leak god I had my tongue doing that

I stretched it it was a good form. Yeah, because I want it to be able to scoop. To deliver onto your tongue, yes. I want it to, like, a ladle to capture it. I'm there, I'm there. He's in. All right, that'll do, fuck it.

Put the lid back on, and then I shall resume the position. I don't really want to eat any of this. That's not fucking enough. I don't really want to eat any of this that's enough oh god oh god too much oh god what are your thoughts Paul well it was like someone came in my mouth really What are your thoughts Paul?

Well it was like someone came in my mouth Really? It was like a More blueberry, more raspberry Mate, it's got such a thick thick texture to it It really does Very sweet? No, it's not too sweet

and the blue raspberry isn't that bad It's just thick Why would you do that to yourself? Kids It's a company called Sweet bandit and it has a very naughty almost pirate looking octopus thing blob thing blob thing yeah mate oh there's too much of that you put too much on almost there paul last thing is probably the best this is something i've been looking forward to this is forest feast original stack Explorers, Buffalo Ranch this is what piqued my interest

Trail Mix. Yeah, I like Trail Mix Nuts and Pulsars and stuff Couldn't you leave it as a trail if you were tempting a monster out of hiding as well? Yeah, you could, yes Eli Just saying Yetis and cryptids love Trail Mix. Leave a little trail

of like bum bum pellets If I was being chased by a Yeti I would leave more trail of bum bum pellets. If I was being chased by a yeti, I would leave more than just bum bum pellets. I would leave bum bum streamers. Brown, wet streamers. All right, I'm in. That just happened weirdly. It happened weirdly.

That means the bag's going to tear open. Oh, I can see the thing. Okay, there we go. So you didn't need to do that then. You're such a fucking... Oh, idiot beast. I'm getting a very peanutty odour. Yeah, very peanutty. That's a coated peanut.

Like cheap peanuts you get in shit knock-off malls. But there's cashews in here. Oh, that's all right. I'm going to start with the cashew, me. I'm going to have one of these corn things. Oh, that's fucking horrible. Is it in date? God almighty, that's awful. It's out in date? God almighty that's awful.

It's out of date. March they went off then. Great. They're not that bad. Yeah I think they're pretty fucking awful. They taste off. Not great. Well, what a delightful end to our picnic. They're okay. There's not much buffalo ranch. I've got jelly blue razz in my mouth

with nuts and fucking all sorts going on you should have brought your own do you know what the best thing was the fucking slush puppy thing

yeah weird out of that lot but what cast your mind back to the whole day's picnic Paul I like those crisps that taste like beef

I like the beefy crisps I like those but what about the kettle chips sriacha mayo. Yeah, they were lovely stuff. Yeah, that was a highlight. Yeah.

What drink? I like all the booze we drank on the way. Yeah. That was the best bit. Right, so... Gin and tonic in a can, it works for me as a thing.

You can't go wrong, can you? Yeah, I mean, it is what it is, you know. It is what it is. So, look, I tell you what, look, it's getting dark see the scald is a clumbling a climbing scald is a clumbling the sky is a

clumbling into darkness also bum bum problems i'll just be honest with you yeah during the winter the little brown otter in my in my warren has been sleeping but unfortunately spring is here are you like right and he's desperate to get out. He's clawing his way out of his hole. How much of today have you needed this shit for? Only the last hour or so, if I'm being honest. Okay, that's not too bad.

But mate, it's being rude and aggressive. It's being overconfident. Is Jeff the otter? Does he live in your butt? All I'm saying, mate, is God, I can't wait to get home

because I've got a peeping stranger. I don't like his fucking behaviour. So we need to walk to the station. We need to get to a bus stop and then get the 93. The bus stop's at the memorial, the war memorial. Then we'll head to the memorial. It's about five minutes up there. Right, we're going to go to the memorial and get a bus to the station.

We'll probably do one last sign-off when we get there, yeah? Fine. Okay, fine. We're just going to settle here now and enjoy ourselves and just watch the sun go down right that sounds quite romantic sure you're eating to forest feast trail mix which you already said was horrible but you seem happy enough to continue eating i'm hungry yeah you are come hungry Come hungry! And this is it, it's dark now, Eli. It's after nine. Is it nine?

It's almost nine. We've been out for like nine hours. Have we? Eight hours. Why do we always do this? Because we're in love and we're best friends. Shut up. It's just because... It's the monument.

We got a bit drunk, didn't we? Yeah, a little bit. It's kind of weird. I've had waves of being drunk. Now I'm just tired. Well, we walked it off and sweated a lot. So it did a lot of wee. If we just sat in a room and drank all of that, it'd be terrible.

I don't know. We'd be pissed. I think. More pissed. Look, it's the monument. Pop my blister. Take a picture of the monument, because that's our end point.

And that's it. We're going to look for a bus stop and go home. Paul, two disappointments today. Your comedy technique. two your overall appearance what odour you were disappointed with my odour okay three things don't touch me seriously yeah no wambles I saw one okay fine whatever seriously when I went for a pee just then I was peeing and then I heard this voice go right mate can I recycle anything I saw one. Okay, fine, whatever. Seriously, when I went for a pee just then, I was peeing and then I heard this voice go, right mate, can I recycle anything for you?

And I went, hello sir. And he went, are you a womble? And he went, yes I am. And I went, you don't look like one, you look like an old man. He went, I'm a womble mate, do you want to suck my dick? It was going there.

And that's what happened. That's not what happened. That's not what happened. That's what happened. And a womble sucked me off in the end. It always, everything sucks you off. My other disappointment, swings. Did you see a swing that sucked you off as well? No, but we saw a rabbit and we saw the well and the spring.

We saw the well and the spring. Yeah. The rabbit sucked me off. Shut up. Yeah, it did. Shut up. Here we are at the monument though. Yeah. Now which way is it into... It must be that way to the station, honestly on that side of the road I would say so. Okay that must be our stop across the road. Take a picture of the monument. We haven't got one and we need, everyone needs to know what it is. It's the war monument and it's a nice dark image. That's quite dramatic. It's quite dramatic.

Yeah, there you go. Frame it right. How nice is that? Yeah, very. That'll be on our website. Again, the website.com.uk. It is. It's the website.com.uk.

That's the website. How about that? Up yours. It's goingwebsite.com.uk. That's the website. How about that? Up yours. Going to cross over. Right. The 93 is the one we're after, and hopefully this will go where we need it to. Hang on.

Yeah, it is. It is, it's this one. Eight minutes from this bus stop on the 93 to the station. Well, it's longer than I was hoping as a wait, but it's not as bad as it could be. It could be 20 minutes, couldn't it? Could be 15. Imagine that. It'd be worse than it is, yeah, which is 8.

Could be 8 minutes. No, it is 8 minutes. Could be, yeah, you're right. No, it could be 8 minutes. It is 8 minutes. Is it? Could be. Which bus are we getting?

The only one that comes from this bus stop. And if you've enjoyed us getting on buses, there'll be a new episode very soon. For our patrons only. All tiers. All tiers. It's a night bussing coming soon, so our patrons only. All tiers. All tiers. It's a night bussing coming soon, so... It's an epic bus. Woo, baby!

We haven't done it yet. It might be shit. No, I know the route. That's why I suggested it. All right, OK. Well, Eli suggested the route. I suggested the 18, didn't I? Yes, but that...

Yeah. And then this route's the... No, we don't tell them. We're not telling them. Shh, don't tell them. But we are going to tell them we're waiting for the 93. And I think it's only fair... Now we're waiting for the 93.

Have I never been on the 93? Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Just out of the way. Yeah. I've never been on the 93. Where does it start? Sainsbury's North Cheam Priory Road. It is a 24-hour bus,

and it could consistently do that. This goes to Putney Bridge. Yeah. Where does it start? And it ends at Cheam Priory Road. It is a 24-hour bus, and it could consistently do that. This goes to Putney Bridge. Yeah. Where does it start? And it ends at Cheam. Wow. We could do that one day. We could be down here.

Is it 24-hour? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Oh, mate, that'd be a weird route. Is that a good one? It's only half an hour, it says. Oh, the whole route is only half an hour?

Yeah. Uh, 20, 30, 25, 29, 30, 35 minutes. The whole thing? It's 93. I mean, maybe add another 10 on, 30, 25, 29, 30 35 minutes The whole thing There's 93 I mean maybe add another 10 on Maybe To get to Putney Bridge from here

Is that you don't want to do Short night buses No I mean that's valid Because everyone gets home We do in real time don't we So it's no problem To be a 40 minute one Why would it

Yeah that's what I mean And it would take us longer Probably to get down here To start it Yeah well it's going to be a big old journey and you'll be able to enjoy it on Patreon soon. Cheem is from the meaning of lift. It means like a build

up under the foreskin or something. Is it? Something like that. I've got a lot of cheem. A build up in a fridge. They were into like, there was a whole theme about... Can you shut up? Sandwiches. Can you be quiet? British Rail sandwiches. Would you like to end sentences earlier? Could you be silent for a while? Could you be. Can you be quiet? British Rail sandwiches. Would you like to end sentences earlier? Could you be silent for a while?

Could you be, could you be magic, magic? Could you be a magic girl? Could you be a magic, magic, magic girl in the world? She comes from a place called magic, a wonderful place in that land of the sky. What's coming down like a witch with some gravy spoons? Come and get everybody, get a splash in your eyes A witch with some gravy spoons? Yeah Yes

What's got into you? I don't know, I like it Grench, what was that word you made up? Grouch, grench Undergrench Undergrench! I don't know what it means, but I said the word undergrench Undergrench is a fucking word that desperately needs a concept

Undergrench, overgrench, wombling free I got sucked off by one next to a tree Under-Grench is a fucking word that desperately needs a concept. Under-Grench, Over-Grench, Womble in three. I got sucked off by one next to a tree. I sloughed through the Under-Grench. Can't stop. I've broken myself. Come on, mate. Right, can we just say goodbye? The 93 is coming.

Goodbye, everyone. We'll see you next week on your favourite comedy economy podcast, The Cheap Show. Goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. We're not doing that no more. Goodbye. Goodbye, everyone.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye. © transcript Emily Beynon