CheapShow - Ep 348: The Custard Note

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

Things are tough at CheapShow HQ, their rival podcast clone, Thrift Pod, is casting a long shadow over Paul & Eli and they wonder if their beloved economy comedy podcast can survive much longer! In a decision that definitely won’t bite them in the ass later on down the road, they agree to let Richard Brandoff sort the situation out, once and for all. On the off chance he is successful, what will his act of revenge cost the cheap chaps? While they wait for Brandoff to put his plan in action, it’s time to delve into doing what Paul and Eli do best. Whatever that is! This week, they have two weirdly flavoured hot sauces to sample, one of which takes Paul by surprise. There is also a chance to down some booze when they discover a range of Northern Monk ales that tastes like a range of Aunt Bessie desserts… and a roast dinner. It can’t be that bad, right? Do they taste… custardy? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-348-the-custard-note And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter (we’re not calling it X) @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ LIVE SHOW TIX HERE: https://www.designmynight.com/london/bars/balham/the-exhibit/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-5?t=tickets

As stated in Clause 147.2, Subsection C, this cold open will be shepherded in by Eli J. Silverman. So over to you, Mr. Silverman, for this week's cold open. I really have nothing. I'm sorry. No, great. That's lovely. Because usually every week you complain that I just ransack the opening. You do. And take control of it.

You have already. You do things that take control of it. You have already. You do things that I don't like. I get it. I hear you. You've already done it. I hear your complaints. Paul. And I've factored them in.

I took it to the board. Okay. And we all sat down and we all agreed that, yes, we need to give Eli more rope to hang himself with. So go for it. So it's my cold open, is it?

Go for it. So we'll be recording again from when I start, will we? I mean, I don't know who my old open is, but I think there's a character there. Paul, have we started the cold open? We have started the cold open.

Yes, we have. No, go on. I'm not actually ready to do the cast today. I'm sorry. The cast? You're not ready at all. I mean, it's only, let's be honest, it's only quarter past five on the day.

I tried to get ready. I'm having a hard weekend. Okay, I'll do the cold open, okay? Ladies and gentlemen. I actually had an idea. All right, Eli's cold open. Here we go. Get into it.

Oh, mist. I'm seeing mist and a blue outline in the distance. A blue outline, some mist. Clouds. What are you doing? What is this? What is that? Why are you laughing?

Who are you? I'm just laughing. I'm laughing because I've got so nothing. I have so nothing. But where were you going with mist? I thought something would come. I thought something would come out of that. You said though.

You said to me, oh, I've got something, Paul. I had a starting image. Unfortunately, it didn't go much further than that, as we all now know. Now know. Well, you know, unfortunately, that will count for your code open, your legally designated code open for the year. So you've relinquished it now. You've blown it.

You had one. Listen, Paul. And it's all gone to shit. I've always been willing to work with a good cold open idea from you. Okay? Have you? Put something on the table,

something toothsome, something with some balance, some toothsome holes. Still got nothing. Sorry, we're going to move on. We're just going to go into the episode because there's nothing coming up. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. It's the price of shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where myself and myself, with Eli and Eli Silverman, go through the bargain bins, the charity shop and powerlands of Great Britain. Can I just say one thing, Paul? And find the treasure amongst the trash. One thing. Like it, like the way you're working it.

I'm glad there's someone there to work it so good. Yes, thank you. I was working it. Part of the way you're working it, one little niggle. Yes. That occurred to me just now, okay? Just a little, it's just a note for you. Just a note. you i was working it part of the way you're working it one little niggle yes that occurred to me just now okay just a little and it's just a note for you just a note and i think moving forward you should be using it because you gave me my own cold open huh yes and i think the

committee would be glad this is a sauce heavy episode so i think i should take a fucking what are you doing i should step up to the plate why Why don't you grab your cock and balls, though? Because that's what a guy does when he steps up to the plate. Is it? A sauce plate. A sauce plate is crotch thrust based. One thing in your little preamble, which was good, like we've ascertained. Pound land.

Can I just put my hand up right now? I wonder what the fuck you're doing. As a co-host, mate, what the fuck are you playing at? I am a little bit tired and emotional from the triple DJing shift I've just put in in the last three days. And here's me waylaying my tiny violin. Waylaying it? I waylayed it.

How do you waylay a violin, you mouth idiot? You've done it again. You put it in your hand and go, oh, waylay. It's got wanking. That's what we go to.

Yeah. This is your whole fucking mini comedy arc. Totally get the wrong word for something. Then, when questioned about it, tell you it's a type of wanking.

Here's Eli's fucking... What's my little arc, man? Here's your little character arc. Pull your shit at everything you do. I didn't say that. Let me fix this. I've shat the bed. I don't shit the bed. You shit the bed more often than a fucking

90-year-old loose-boweled invalid. Oh, Paul. Yeah. I do not. Go check my bed now. Go in the house of pickles And sniff hard I'm not allowed to go into your bedroom am I Yes you are

I aren't I am I'm not saying you're shit at everything I just spent about three minutes Saying how much I liked your preamble There was one little niggle Just that we don't go to pound stores Or shops

We haven't in a while We never do We never do We haven't in a while But We never do. We never do. We haven't in a while. But I did get like crisps and things for certain like off-brand brand offs

there within the years. Okay. Shut up. I saw a video online. I don't care about what you've seen online. You've upset me now. So you can just

step back. No one's interested in your anecdote. Fucking they are. No, they're not. Right. I was going to go, oh, I'm excited because 350 is coming. Oh, yeah, let's do that.

350 is coming and it's the big wedding. We're all excited. Oh, yeah. And we're going to be recording what happens at that wedding and giving you a commentary on the beautiful ceremony that I'm sure we're going to get. Not only have I now been invited, I'm invited to the fucking snag as well.

Are you going? Yeah, no, I'm going. It's the week after well. Are you going? Yeah, no, I'm going. It's the week after next. It's just before round, isn't it? Yeah. We weren't invited to the hen night, obviously, but we have got a spy in there, so we'll sort that out. We'll get a recording that way.

When I went up to Bletchley to deliver the scores to Juicy Jeremy for the last... Interesting callback, Mr. Silverman. No, but that's when I went to the corner in Bletchley, which we won't mention. And then I gave you not only an invite to the wedding, but the stag as well. So that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad that Squishy's thought of me.

Yeah, well, I pulled a few favours. I pulled a few favours and I got him to ask a few people. You pulled a few favours, did you? Yeah, I pulled in a few favours for you. I pulled in. I pulled in a few favours to correct you from going into I pulled a few favours. I got him to ask a few people you pulled a few favours did you yeah I pulled in a few favours for you I pulled in I pulled in a few favours did you pull them out to correct you

from going into I pulled a few favours you pulled a few nots you pulled a few yeah that's right to get you a ticket to the fucking wedding you whacked

whacked off people I whacked off a bunch of strangers you fucking you fucking did willy nilly so to speak fucking willy billy

to anyone's fucking name once again Eli brings nothing to the conversation I bring I bring you do

you fetch oh so we got 350 anything else also coming on to this week's show the wedding is fine

I'm looking forward to it it's the big event of the year bring your family and friends listen in it's a big wedding it's going is fine. I'm looking forward to it. It's the big event of the year. Bring your family and friends. Listen in. It's a big wedding. It's going to be beautiful. I'm going to bring tissues

in case I fetch. No, I know there's a lot of negative things sometimes on this podcast. You know, messy, chaotic, visceral, dirty, visceral. Smelly. Grubby, smelly.

Grubby, smelly. Foul, rank. Foul. Musty. Putrescent things. Yeah,, smelly. Grubby, smelly. Foul, rank. Foul. Musty. Putrescent things. Yeah, grotty. That unwashed clothing smell. Dead mongrel funk.

Now, their second album. That was some good shit. Woo, woo, woo. Yeah, man. Wow, dead mongrel funk. That's so great. So we've stretched it out so long, I forgot what your point was going to be.

Come on, let's get through this. What was I actually saying? I don't know. On this week's show, we've got a swords report. Oh, no, that's what I was saying. And we've got a, I don't know what you want to call it, a drinky section. It's not soda, is it? It's booze.

It's a booze section. It's fucking booze. Give us some fucking booze. Hey, lad. Booze. Fucking booze. Don me some fucking booze. Hey lad. Booze. Fucking booze. Don't put a booze. Booze lad.

I want B-O-O-Z-E booze lad. Fucking booze. So we're doing that. That's what I was going to say. There are dark moments on this

podcast Paul. I'm having dark moments at the moment. You're always having a dark moment. No but mate you've heard haven't you about we're getting

trounced by that thrift pod. What? I listened to last week's episode and I heard. It're always having a dog. No, but mate, you've heard, haven't you, about we're getting trounced by that thrift pod. What? I listened to last week's episode and I heard... It can't be like this. There's always going to be... This is bad mental hygiene.

No, but no. There's always going to be podcasts that do better than us. There's always going to be ones that do worse. You're never going to be the biggest... Yeah, but this is

an absolute rip-off and yet they're getting all the plaudits that we've never had. Articles in the Times, top lists. I think it was Podbible did a breakdown recently

that said something to the effect of, it is everything that Cheap Show aims to be. Witty, satirical. Yeah, Thrift Pod. Thrift Pod is what everything Cheap Show

wishes it could be. I don't even bother listening because I don't want to, then I start second guessing my own performance. Yeah, but it's gone to the point now where it's like,

it's a genuine threat to this podcast if that keeps going on. And I don't know whether you don't care or you just don't get the magnitude of it. I just don't know

what we're supposed to do apart from you just getting anxious, getting unhappy. And then you don't perform. And then you don't perform well. I'll fucking perform well, mate. That's so close to saying

I'll give you performance. It's so close. And I sw give you perform. It's so close. And I swore I wouldn't. I swore I wouldn't. You're going to fall down those stairs, my friend. I'll fucking push you down the fucking stairs.

In a second, he couldn't help it. Oh. Who's that? I think it's Richard. Hello? Hello? Oh, it's Brando Hello? Hello? Hello?

Oh, it's Brando. Eli, move over to Brando. Let him sit down. Let him sit there by the thing. Do your voice as well, just to make it apparent. Okay, Richard, sit down here. Hello? Yeah, thank you.

Eli, move out of the way. Just sit there on that mic. I'll just go over here. Thank you. Sit on that mic. Okay, I'll get comfy. Just a few minutes of your time, Ruff Ruff, please. Ruff. Ruff.

Ruff. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff. Mate, I heard last week's episode. What are we going to do? It's outrageous, Ruff Ruff. Mate, I'm really, genuinely worried about the success of this podcast and the longevity

of it. Now, Paul, I've come over here for two reasons, Ruff Ruff, okay? Right. Two reasons. One's to get that money we discussed earlier. All right, yeah. We've come over here for two reasons, Ruff Ruff, okay? Right. Two reasons. Once to get that money we discussed earlier. Alright, yeah, we've got a sock full of coins for you over there. Right. Well, you know, cost of living, Ruff Ruff and all of this. Yes.

Do you know how much guttering costs? No, I know. I know, it's all very expensive, but we have to protect this podcast, mate. What are we going to do? Guttering gets run over. Yeah, I know, but what? If you leave it out on the road. That's not the most important thing right now to me, the guttering gets run over yeah I know if you leave it out on the road that's not the most important thing right now to me

the guttering of your fucking roundabout Riffpod I call it Riffroff I call it shit pod I shit on it

yeah but what are you going to do about it I have no copyrights on that all those fucking copy characters Brandovsky looking after them as well

don't mention that name to me they've got more resources they've got more press interest getting bigger audiences now and we're damaged by it this after them as well. Don't mention that name to me. They've got more resources. They've got more press interest. Getting bigger audiences now. And we're damaged by it.

This affects you as well. It affects everyone. All right, so what are we going to do? We have to protect this podcast somehow. I don't see how we're going to do it in the face of this adversity. Ruff, Ruff, I will protect this podcast. I know I haven't been totally above board. No.

100% all of the time. Ruff, Ruff. Criminal murderer psychopath. Well, yes. Ruff, but the time. Criminal murderer, psychopath. Well, yes, rough, but you've got to be a psychopath in these days. The cut and thrust of rough, the modern business, you've got to have that edge. And sometimes that edge is a bladed edge

that you fucking literally, rough, rough, shove up some guy's ass. Right. Rough, rough. I'm just telling you, ruthlessness goes both ways. I'm going to be ruthless in your court.

I'm in your pen now, ruff, ruff. Okay. And I tell you what, I have got something in store for these thrift pod boys. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. You wait.

We let you get blood on your hands so me and Eli don't have to. I'll get blood on my hands. I live on a fucking roundabout. I've got to lose. Ruff, ruff. Tell you what. Just give me...

Have you got Wi-Fi here? Yeah, we've got... Wi-Fi in the ante room. Yeah, in that room you said. The ante room of the podcast? Yeah. I mean, the waiting room thing. It's antebellum.

It's got Wi-Fi. What's the password? The password, I believe, is egg white. Right. Give me one hour. Yeah. Right. Ruff, ruff.

All your problems. Problems gone. In an hour, you're going to sort this out. Solved. Ruff, ruff. Solved is too gentle a word for it. All right. Okay.

All right. Well, I don't want to know. Dissolved. It's ruff, ruff, eh? I don't want to know about it. Just do it. Do what you have to. Just don't get me and Eli involved.

Please. What? Just acknowledge that pun. D Eli involved. Please. What? Just acknowledge that pun. Dissolved. No. No. Right. One hour.

I'm just going to go in there with my laptop. All right. See you in a bit. Good to see you, Eli. Hi, Brandoff. Right. Going in there. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour. One hour.

One hour. One hour. Fuck me. Stop being all Frank Spencer about this. Sit down. Everyone at home now knows you've done the character and you're swapping and you're Eli again. Shut up or I'll break your fucking legs. Right, let's crack on with the show. Okay then.

What? hello it's the source it's the source report with me, Eli Silverman, joined today by occasional sub-editor, Paul. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon. I'm live on the scene in the Source Report, and I like sauce. Now, Paul, you've... Hello, welcome again to the Source Report.

Hello, welcome to the Source Report. I am who I say I am. I bet you are. Now, you've sourced some sauce for the Source Report this afternoon. Yes, I was out on location during Digitizer Live and a few lovely people came to see me after the show and handed me such lovely things. But is it sauce related? Unfortunately, because my memory is like shit and I didn't have a pen and write this stuff down and I can't remember things, I forget the name of the lovely gentleman... Well, you're not much of a journalist.

Well, here on the Source Report, we have a very high standard of journalism. Including note-taking. But it was the same gentleman who gave us the Miss World board game, I believe. Well, that is of no use to anyone. It was someone from a thing. It was someone from a thing. Well done.

I know it is. Here on the Source Report today, Source provided, the Source provided today for the Source Report. I am so shit. We'll talk about it later when we do the performance review.

I can't handle today. We'll do it later with the performance review. I don't think I should do this show anymore. What, Source Report? No, I'll take over Source Report. It's fine. With everything going on,

maybe I should just like quit this. Doing the source report, why do you always have to fucking threaten to quit when we're doing my favourite bit? I just like... I like this! Let's get that thrift pod. Just let them fucking have it. Let's let them have the success.

You heard Brando. They can fucking stand on my chest and piss in my mouth. He's in there. He's working away. He's doing something. I don't like it. He's doing something in there on his laptop.

Yeah, it's probably watching Pornhub for he's probably not it is no it is well we'll see in an hour's time won't we will go in there it's not going to be an hour either anyway yes so someone gave me these two sources and who was this person again paul someone from a thing officially someone from a thing gave us sauce took money and time out of their fucking day to provide sauce for us. At least I stayed around to meet people after the digitiser. I had just not gotten the same fucking first taxi that was ordered. They insisted on getting me that taxi.

You could have postponed it. You could have changed the time. You could have went, oh, wait, maybe I'll meet a few people and be a bit nice and say hello to people. But no, you just fucked up. Even you said to me, fuck this place, Paul. I want to go home. I didn't say that.

You did. I didn't say that, everybody. You even said, thank fuck I don't have to hang around with these punks. That's what you fucking said to me. And I remember saying, that's our secret, mate, that you said that. But I'm bringing it out right now. What a horrible, shitty thing to say if it was. You're a shit for making that up.

Now. It's not made up. It totally is. I've got a recording of it. Ah, I fucking can't hear you. I fucking, everyone's a fucking

prick by me. It's a good recording, that poor thing. Really good. Ah, what are you playing it on? An old school dictaphone? Yeah,

on a fucking Beatmaster. Someone. Hit clip. Someone very kind, please do get in contact with the show And we'll message you And say sorry

Has provided us With two sources From the same manufacturer Paul Yes The Wiltshire Chili Farm Now Obviously

One of these Chili You know chili production In the UK In recent years For the roof And a lot of it is In the West Country

Where Wiltshire is as well Devon Wiltshire You know we did that episode Where we tasted A whole load of products Yeah From one farm Ruth. Yeah. And a lot of it is in the West Country, where Wiltshire is as well. Devon, Wiltshire. Yeah. You know, we did that episode where we tasted a whole load of products. Yeah. From one farm that was sent to us. That was ages ago.

Yeah. Yes. That was the one with the necrotic leg hole. That was the leg hole wound. That was a strange episode for various reasons. They were another farm in that part of the world, if I'm not mistaken. So, there are two unique hot sauces today. Oh, they say on the bottle feel as flavor as in we don't fear listen no listen when it comes to it now paul

although you chickened out and only did half the hot chip shut up we've both been to nine million scoville land was it nine million i don't know it was a hot it was the hottest thing i've ever eaten okay and a lot hotter than any of these are going to get near. Yeah, we've been ruined. It was hotter than that scorpion, Black Widow sauce I've got. But, right. Which was about 90,000 Scovilles. But.

That was about 6 million Scovilles, sorry. But we're going to judge these more on the flavour than their heat, I guess. Because these are interestingly flavoured. One is called Frightmite. So effectively, it's what? A Vegemite kind of Marmite. I don't know. What does it is called Frightmite. So effectively, it's what? A Vegemite kind of Marmite. I don't know. What does it say?

Frightmite. I think it's... I can't read. I can't read for shit. Something sauce. Read the very bottom line on that. It's too... I haven't got me glasses.

I need to wear glasses. It's just too dark in here. Yeah. We're all... It's the end for us, isn't it? All over. Stop going all Beckett-esque. Anyway, the next one, the second one.

We need to read these sources. Go over there. I'll do it. You fucking do it. But it just says the very bottom line on that thing underneath the frightmer. It says, or frightmite. What does it say? Marmite-based hot sauce.

There we go. And then this is coffee chili sauce. There's nothing under that. It's just that's all it says. I don't know what the... Larga. Larga habanero. Larga habanero.

Larga. Larga. Larga. Larga, larga, larga hero. That coffee one is larga habanero. Right, okay, that's good. And it's... What am I looking for as well?

What am I looking for in the ingredients? I don't want to see. I don't know. I don't want to see. Carrot. Carrot. I don't want to see carrot. Show me carrot. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Top answer. Is it in there? I don't see. I don't want to see. Carrot. Carrot. I don't want to see carrot. Show me carrot.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Top answer. Is it in there? I don't see it. No. Yeah, tomato and onion. Well, that's good, isn't it? No carrot.

Better. Much better. But. Let's sit down so we can hear your lovely voice. Having a brief look at the ingredients of these two. Well, let's just get them in our gob. Because it doesn't matter what they're made of. I would have preferred to see fewer ingredients and not tomorrow

as the first one. It's doing a similar thing to carrot, isn't it? The sauce will come out tomorrow. They look quite watery. Now, are you ready with your spoon?

How am I... You've got them on your side of the room. Okay, I'll be administering the sauce to you. Thank you. What's the cup for? To put the dirty spoon

in after. Right, okay. All right? So I don't want hot sauce all over this room. Fine. Just be careful. Don't put it on the table. Put it on the floor. Okay, okay. All right? So I don't want hot sauce all over this room. Fine. Just be careful. Don't put it on the table.

Put it on the floor. Okay, which do you think would be better to start with? I think the Vegemite, because the coffee might leave more of an aftertaste. I was recommended that the coffee one is good on its own, so maybe we do leave that for second, because if that's the better, it'll be nice to end on a high point.

Now, we know what the flavour of Marmite is, apart from salty. It's like Twiglet. Umami. But it in fact is yeast glutamate or something, and the glutamate is the umami molecule. It's one of the most umami things you can get. Get on with it.

And what goes well with chilli? Umami goes well with chilli. So I'm thinking this could be a very nice hot sauce. Let's find out. Naga, the ghost pepper. A few years ago, that was the hottest pepper before they came up with all these new strains, such as the Reaper, Carolina Reaper, and Trinidad Scorpion, which is also...

Stuff you've said before. Moving on. We're just going over it. Moving on. Well, open it up, you fucking gal. Drag this out, you painful man. It's a source report, Paul. This is my domain.

Give me spoon of hot sauce now. I'm doing it. Put it in gob gob. You... Oh, there's a niff naff noff. A niff naff. Give us a noff then. Ooh, niff naff noff.

Give us a niff. Put the glass down on the floor. Put it on the floor before I crack you on. I've got your spoon. I'm doing your spoon. Put the glass down then. You don't need to hold your spoon. I'm doing your spoon. Put the glass down then. You don't need to hold the glass. I'm doing you a spoon, okay?

I want to sniff the bottle. No, no. Just sniff it off the spoon. It's quite watery. Watch out. Is that enough for you? I think it probably is. You got it? You got it? Oh, there's quite a lot there. Smell that. Oh, it does smell very Marmite-y. Extremely. I can't detect

any other... Can you detect any hot sauce flavour? Oh, I've smell very Marmite-y. Extremely. Like, I can't detect... Or Vegemite. I can't detect any other... Can you detect any hot sauce flavour? Oh, I've dropped a bit on me jeans. Go in there. Go on. Cough, cough, cough. Oh! What's that like? That's really hot. And sweet. And sweet?

Marmite-y? Yeah, a little bit. I'm gonna go. I don't like it it I think there's maybe too much on the spoon oh yeah oh it's not

oh god oh god I think I had too much oh god oh god would you like a glass of milk or water milk

should I get some milk I'll get some milk yeah I'll get some milk, yeah? Yeah. I'll get you some milk, okay? It went down the wrong hole as well. It's coming out my nose. Just wait a minute.

Pause it. I'll get you some milk. All right. He's brought me milk. I'm sopping it now. Cool you down. It's got a little bit of a kick, I'll admit. The sweetness didn't pop out so much to me.

I thought it was quite sweet. Oh, God. I think it was a combination of having too much And it going slightly down the wrong hole Okay fine Okay Paul Get it together It's alright I don't know what you'd have that with

I would just like to say What I thought I didn't get that much sweetness It's got a nice balance It's got an up front almost citrus chilli It's a bright nice balance. It's got a sort of up front, an up front almost citrus chilli, you know? It's a bright chilli. I feel sick now. I actually genuinely feel quite sick.

Well, listen, you haven't been out drinking all three nights in a row. Well, you don't have to do that. You know, your job doesn't require you to drink. Well. No, no, no, well. Can I talk about this hot sauce for a moment, please? You've got 30 seconds. Go.

No, don't do this countdown thing. Quite nice balance between the bright chilli flavour and the Marmite flavour, with a little bit of sweetness in the mid-palate, like you said. 20 seconds. And you said, I don't know what you'd like that with. I'll tell you.

I think it has got quite... The thing with that sauce, not a bad sauce, I'd say, but it has got quite a... 10 seconds. Quite a narrow use case which would be

something like blackened chicken barbecued chicken you know 30 seconds is up do you agree with that yes maybe a nice kind of char

grilled chicken something like that what about I'm just going to throw it out there nice sausage I could definitely put that on a sausage

yes like a nice what's that big Cumberland one about, I'm just going to throw it out there, nice sausage. I could definitely put that on a sausage, yes. Couldn't you? Like a nice, what's that big Cumberland one? A Cumberland sausage, definitely. That umami from the Marmite is going to give a depth to meaty flavours, don't you think? With the heat. Quite hot. Too hot for you? No, I think I just had

too much and it was a mistake. Okay, should we move on to the next sauce, Paul? Please do. I am so in the mood for it now. I'll give you a smaller spoon of this one, okay? This is the coffee. You know what? I'll deliver my own spoon. Okay, you deliver your own.

I don't see the point of what you're doing. I'm just trying to have fun with my friend whilst we make a podcast. All right. Okay? All right. Have some fun. I am having fun, in a way. Oh, the niff-naff-noff.

Now, on this, the smell of the coffee. Chilli is much more up front. I'm not getting much coffee at all. He's giving it a shake. Shake the bottle, wake the drink. They're both very similar colour, these sauces, in fact. Deep, deep brown. A rich brown.

Yeah. They're like brown sauce. Doggy dirt brown. This has got more vinegar on the nose. It really does. Wow, it really does. Is it very vinegary? It's very vinegary. This coffee one has has got more vinegar on the nose it really does wow it really does is it very vinegary this coffee one has a lot more vinegar on the nose i feel like it's going to be less well balanced now coffee isn't as flavor i would think would go with chili uh we'll soon find out i guess i don't like coffee on food i can't think of one coffee cake

no you don't not not really no't you? I love coffee cake. I like coffee chocolate. I like a mocha... Mocha chocolate. Yeah. Let's see now. Let's see. That's a lot sweeter.

It is sweeter. I'm not getting much coffee. Any at all. Tiny bit? Tiny wisps? It's not a bad sauce. I'd say that's like a very hot, sweet chilli sauce sort of thing. Yes, it is sweet in a way...

I'm not getting any coffee. No. But it's sweet in a way that isn't unpleasant. It's just sweet. Pretty hot as well. Yeah. Hotter, maybe, than the first one? I'm getting more. I mean, I don't know.

I had a lot less than that this time. I just wanted the flavour profile. I didn't want to get a punch in the throat again. Not as interesting. I would actually say maybe I prefer the Vegemite-y Marmite one. But both are absolutely fine. This might work with burgers more. I couldn't taste the coffee, to be honest.

Perhaps it was the wrong way around we did it. But the Marmite one definitely had some uses. Is that a problem? Genuinely. If we'd had it the other way round, we might have had a poor experience with the Marmite one. We don't know. But there is a good possibility of that, Paul.

So what I will do, because I'm dedicated to this segment of the show, is taste some of this at a later date, just by itself, the coffee one. Will you report on it? Of course. Can we stop now? I feel really... Are we going to have a break, are we? I feel quite sick.

Can we have a break? Oh, God. Oh, I had a burp. Oh, it came up and it's hot on the way down again. Paul, Paul, Paul. Press the button. Let's just have a... You did this to me.

You didn't. You did this to me. This is how you kill me, innit? This is how Eli gets his. This is how Eli takes the crown from the king. This is it, innit? This is your move. Et tu, Brute?

Et tu? Shut up. Infamy. Infamy. All together now, boys and girls. tu? Shut up. In for me. In for me. All together now, boys and girls. They've all got it in for me. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Good game. It's the batter. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off.

Don't tell me what to do. Are we having a break? I am your king. You finish this bit, okay? I'm vamping. I'm going. Okay, for break. He's off. He's going. He's leaving me. Don't leave me, Daddy. Daddy, for break. He's off. He's going. He's leaving me. Don't leave me, Daddy. Daddy, come back. He's not feeling

great now either. He should maybe have a smaller spoon size. Yeah, or, you know, dip something in it next time. Oh, maybe put it

on a cracker or something. I feel hot and hollow. I'm getting heartburn from it. Well, kids, remember when you want to make a podcast of this

kind of content, do it at a much younger age. Do it while you've got the youth. Remember us. Remember us. Please remember us when this is all over. Stop going to the Beckett play.

Remember us fondly. Alright, let's just do a Beckett play. Come on. Oh, I can't remember when I was in pain. Pain. I used to remember what pain was. Who's there? The person who's there is the person who's always there, who will always be there whenever I open the door.

I've forgotten who I am. I don't remember you either. All right, enough! I think the best theatre satire in podcast land right now is... No, you were going... Oh, is it me now fucking it up, is it? Is it? What a fucking twist for that. Prick.

Prick the button. Thusly refreshed, the two champions return to the front. Fighting fit and ready for a good old scrape. I'm ready to put more stuff in my mouth in the name of entertainment. And we have libations in this segment. And it's not a soda pop no no no no no no big boys are playing today big boys come out grow adults big men i may have mentioned this before but it does fuck me off where people uh describe like a sweet cocktail they make

as sort of it's grown-up candy it's grown up you know i mean they always because it's got booze in they go it's a grown-up oh it's a grown-up frappuccino. You know what I mean? Because it's got booze in. They go, it's a grown up Frappuccino. Do you know what I fucking mean? Grandaddy lies back in town and he's got a gripe for you. Don't call it grown up. Just call it boozy. Show me the way to go.

As I fart inside the bed. And I fucking dance. a smelly one right near your fucking head. I haven't had an egg since Easter. What's that? And now it's half past three. So, chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken.

What? Lay a little egg for me. What's that? Oh, chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Lay a little egg for me. I've heard it now. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Lay a little egg for me. I've heard it now. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. I want one for my tea.

Oh, I am an ex-sister. And now it's half past three. Oh, chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Lay a little egg for me. Oh, chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Lay a little egg for me. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken. Stop me, Eli.

You've got to stop me. I can't. I've got nothing to say. You've got to stop me with the word. With the word. With the word. What word? That sounds like a fucking sad drinking game.

It was, wasn't it? That was a sad drinking game. It was a sad drinking game. From university? I don't know. Per chance? Did you pick it up there? What do you have to say to stop it?

Chicken. Fucking stupid. No, what do you have to say? Enough. Enough, you say? Yeah, enough. And that's it? And then the song ends? And who drinks? Did you make it up? Yeah. Did, you say? Yeah, enough. And that's it, and then the song ends.

And who drinks? Did you make it up? Yeah. Did you make that up? Just now. That was fucking impressive. Good, isn't it? It sounded like a real game that you had to play.

No, I mean, that is a real song. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. Oh, it's a real... That's what I mean. You didn't fucking make it up then. No, not the song, but the game I did. The rules. Yeah, there's no game.

You've got to keep going faster and faster and faster until someone screams enough. Okay, we've got it now. Play it at home. I'm sure you won't end up with a punch in the face. We're tasting some boozes as... What are you doing, Paul? You've lost it.

I knew the energy would be fucking ruined if we took a break. I said thusly refreshed, but that's not what happened. Look, here's what's going on. I went into Morrison's the other day and this was on sale. It was £5.50 for a pack of four tins of drink boozy drink and this is the kind of thing that people put on twitter and say oh look you should have this on the podcast when are you gonna do this on the podcast and i go whatever we want to fucking do it but you did see these

and so it was fortuitous and you picked them up. So no one yet has gone, have you seen these yet? So I thought I'd nip it in the bud and get them now. And do them. That won't stop people saying, have you seen these? No. The alcohol company is a company called Northern Monk and they've apparently done something like this similar before and I don't know if this is more of the same or

a different spin on what they did before. So Aunt Bessie's is like Mr Kipling? Yes. They're like a mass-produced cake company? I think Aunt Bessie mostly... No, no, I think they mostly deal in things like Yorkshire Puds, potatoes, that kind of thing. But they also do, I think, some desserts.

Okay, so it's... But it's a brand. Aunt Bessie is a kind of fictional person, I think, that represents a home kitchen, make-your-own-pastry kind of thing. Okay, but it that home kitchen yeah make your own pastry kind of thing okay but it's in the baking side of this it's not they don't do tv dinners and stuff i don't think so no because these are all uh crossover northern monk has crossed over with aunt bessie's and they've produced four three of which are well they're all they're all alcoholic drinks

two are pale ales one is a ale, and one is a porter. I like a porter, me. Do you? It's like stout. Same family of beer as stout, Paul. Okay. But sweeter. Often not as thick as stout.

Right. More complicated. Caramel notes in there. Coffee like stout has. It's great. A good porter, I think, is probably one of my favourite beers of all time. Okay. All right.

We'll find out. Just to mention, there's a brewer in South London, The Colonel, whose export porter is literally... They talk about craft beer, you know? Yeah. This is the other end. This is going to be shit. Well, okay. So I think they're all about the same vulgar hole, if I can just double check.

I think they're all about five point something or other. 4.5%. 4.5%. All 4.5%. Let's go through them one by one. We have a pale ale, which is apple crumble and custard flavour. Okay. We have number two, a roast dinner, which is a brown ale.

That's the only savoury one on our list. Number three is a porter, and that is a sticky toffee pudding and custard. Two of them have got custard in. And fourth and final, we have another pale ale, and this is a jam roly-poly and custard. Three of them have custard. I'm seeing... Is the custard profile the kind of creamy thing

that they're adding to it? No. I'll tell you what the custard note will be. Yeah, I'll give you a fucking custard note. Don't say that. You said you wouldn't. Only when it's appropriate. You said you wouldn't. Only when it's appropriate. You said you wouldn't.

Yeah, well, you know. It's going to be ongoing forever. I could not, could I? Yes, you could not. I wanted to give you a custardy note. Come on, Paul. You know what the main

flavour of custard is. Er, egg. No. Cum. Vanilla. Oh, yeah, vanilla. So. Not cum.

There's no one flavour of cum. It depends what the guy's been eating. Custard. Then it's vanilla. So... Not cum? There's no one flavour of cum. It depends what the guy's been eating. Custard. Then it's vanilla. Yeah. And it's probably hard to tell, like, on sight, the cum from the custard. Custard, as we know, is opaque and yellow.

And please go to the doctor if you're... If yours does come out like mashed banana. That would be horrible. If your cum came out like mashed banana. That would be horrible. If your cum came out like mashed banana. Yes, it would be horrible. Yes. Oh, dirty.

Right, let's carry on. Which one do you want to start with? Well, the sweets. We should finish. Oh, no, we should start with the... I think we should end on the roast dinner

as it's the savoury. That's the wrong way round. You have dessert after. Yeah, but it might be the funniest. It might not be, but it might be the funniest to drink because we'll go,

oh, gross, and we'll have a laugh. That reasoning is flawed. Yeah, go on. But I'm happy to do whatever you want to do, Paul. So, yes. How about we do it blind?

Oh. I mean, I will grab two and put it behind me back and you say left arm, right arm, and we'll just go that and we'll do it that way. Oh, in terms of selecting it.

Randomly select it. I'm just going to grab two without looking and I'm going to move them back and forth and behind me back and i've got my left hand and my right hand now so if it's left right left left left right my left i'm just saying okay one or two two you want two yeah all right here we go so the first one oh it is the sticky toffee pudding and custard porter now i like a porter you've said that. It's a nice, sweet, dark beer. Yes, and they've been in the fridge, these, by the way,

just so you know. Is that what they suggest, best served chilled? Oh, I will say this. It smells quite nice. It does smell toffee, kind of sweet toffee. Pass me my glass. Keep chilled. All right, mate, calm down.

I will. It don't get fresher than this, it says as well, which is veering onto chummy box material isn't it by it's very nature this is a chummy type of thing it's a novelty sort of thing

you know what my criticism would be pass me my glass now pass it pass it thank you ooh there's definitely

vanilla yeah there's but there's definitely kind of toffee in there as well are you getting toffee yeah definitely toffee in there

ooh this smells quite nice it smells nice it's cakey almost cakey yeah well again Are you getting toffee? Yeah, definitely toffee in there. Ooh. This smells quite nice. It smells nice. It tastes nice though. Almost cakey. Yeah. Well, again, this is sticky toffee pudding.

It's got that warm toffee, rich caramelly almost. It's a good smell. Almost molasses-y sugar. It's a good smell. What I'm worried about is there's going to be a sort of aspartame

sweetness to it to all of these sweet ones. Can I just say one little criticism? You only get one can of each in the pack. So what have you, you know?

Well, I mean, it's a gimmick, isn't it? Yeah, and it emphasises that novelty gimmick aspect of it. Yeah. Which sort of predisposes me not to expect much from these, I guess.

So maybe that's worse. Well, let's just try this one. The porter's going down the hatch. That's all right. That's all right, though. It's not over-sweet, is it? No, it's not very, what's the word I'm looking for?

Like gritty, you know what I mean? It's not very full-bodied. No. A bit watery. Yeah, a bit watery. But it's not very, what's the word I'm looking for? Like gritty, you know what I mean? It's not very full bodied. No. A bit watery. Yeah, a bit watery, but it's nice flavour.

Not a bad flavour. It compliments the porter elements quite nice. I want more body. I want a little bit more sweetness and body. A little bit more complexity, like a bitter,

good porter has almost a bitter stuff that isn't there at the back. That's it, it hasn't got the bitterness you kind of expect like a Guinness as well

kind of thing. You haven't got that. I would want more. I would want more, but expect like a Guinness as well kind of thing. You haven't got that. I wouldn't want more. I wouldn't want more but not too bad for a first one. I don't mind that. Oh, what do you want to give it

out of, oh fuck it, five? I'll go three. Three? Yeah. I was thinking three. I could drink that. I could drink a can of that.

I wouldn't choose it if there was something better available but no, maybe I'll grab that from the fridge. Right. I'm just putting these two behind me back now.

Just grab them at random. Next two. I'm going to swap them around. I'm going to go for number one now. Shoulder one or shoulder two? Shoulder one this time. One this time. And it is the Jam Roly Poly and Custard Pale Ale.

Okay, a pale ale. Also, did you notice any custard in that last one? Maybe that was the vanilla-y bit? Yeah, that is. It's quite predominant. But not overpowering. Tin two, open. Ugh.

I mean, actually, this does smell like Jam Roly Poly, but not in a particularly nice way. Oh, it's a nice... It's a pale ale, so it's much lighter. Yeah, it's much more golden. That last one was quite dark. Well, Porter is a dark beer. It is a dark beer.

And this is a pale ale Jam Roly Poly in custard. Oh, yeah. It's got an artificial strawberry sort of yeah it's almost vomity you know what I mean it's almost got a little

tang of vomit to it that's just a very sort of vimtoey artificial jam sort of nose it's time to do the sub

you know you know what I'm getting at yeah alright here we go quite nice tartness it is but it's weird I would say it's almost

lemony rather than strawberry yeah there's a little bit of a kind of smoke in the mouth of. It is, but it's weird. I would say it's almost lemony rather than strawberry. Yeah. There's a little bit of a kind of smoke in the mouth of the strawberry in there. But it's not as bad. It's nicer on the tongue than it is on the nan. I think it's that pale ale, lemony, barley, citrusy thing that overwhelmed it. They probably use citra hops or whatever.

It's all right. I would argue another three. Drinkable, not unpleasant. It's fine. It tastes like it's got Ribena in it. It's a droplet, though. If you're into snake bite or something like that, that would appeal to you. But then that would just, I mean, yeah, maybe.

This is a very weak snake bite. It's not too bad, actually. It's not, but I would say it's more lemony, isn't it? It's more lemony. Yeah, a bit more lemony. Yeah, maybe I prefer that. So now I'm going to put the last two Miami's back. We're going to go one, two, one, two.

Which one do you want? Number one or number two? I don't think I'd go back for that. I think I prefer the porter so far. Porter is a bit more tasty, I think. Yeah. That one's a little bit kind of acidic and a bit empty. Yeah.

Yeah. They're both slightly empty, aren't they? No, but the other one has got a little bit more body to it. The porter's got a bit more. Again, no custard. Ain't that the truth. The custard's missing. One or two? Shoulder one or number two? a bit more. Again, no custard. Ain't that the truth. The custard's missing. One or two? Shoulder

one or number two? One. One. Okay, this one. Oh, it's the roast dinner. Okay, this is the big number. Which leaves what? The apple one last. Let's have the apple first. Let's leave the roast dinner. Come on. Come on. The roast dinner is the most magical. Let's get the apple out of the way. I think we know from the first two what this

is going to... It's going to have some kind of apple nose. Right, here we go. I'm opening up the pale ale apple crumble and custard. What is it? What's the beer type? Pale ale. Again, another pale ale. There are two pale ales and this is the second. And it's brown and the roast dinner is brown.

I mean, it's kind of got a bit of a cider tang to it. It would. That's the apple. That's the apple, isn't it? Yeah. I wonder if that's the effect. It's going to be a kind of apple-y cider.

Cider-y. It probably does taste like cider. Is it a custard note? Not really. I can't give you the custard note, mate. Is that a custard note? Paul, I've had an idea

what a custard note is. It's like a kid at school gets a custard note from his mum. Giving them permission to give him extra custard. That's not how it goes. Have you got your custard notes, love? Dear, dear lady, please give our Albert another bowl of custard.

That's good, eh? My mum wrote a letter. Yeah, a custard note. My mum wrote it. You can't have another. You wrote that in your own handwriting, didn't you, Albert? I can see it's in crayon as well. Oh, cast a note. My mum wrote, you can't have another, you wrote that in your own handwriting, in your Albert. I can see it's in crayon as well.

Oh, you cut me out again. Right, come on. I was enjoying there. Oh, our Albert and his custard. I love him. Hand that over. Albert and the custard note. Okay.

I would watch that, actually. I would watch that. That was fun. Right. Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but with custard oh yeah hang on it's sniff

I don't know so yeah apple-y similar colour pale maybe a bit creamy apple you see creamy apple almost I think it's got the

least nose of all three so far alright here we go the sup must commence oh I don't like that that's not working for me that tastes like an eraser

yeah very artificial like a flavoured eraser just it's a very artificial like a flavored eraser just doesn't work it just doesn't work it's somewhere in between it's like an artificial apple there's not much apple though though either it's kind of sickly without being sweet you know it's like putting cream soda cream custard custard what's this trifle no what's this soda cream cream soda cream soda Cream soda. Cream soda. Oh, fuck me. It's like cream soda and pale ale with a tiny dash of apple.

Yeah. Did not work, that one, compared to the other two. I'd go as low as one on that. I didn't like that. Didn't like that. But not undrinkable, just unneeded. So, so far, we have started with what I would... Do we both agree we both prefer the Porter out of all three so far?

Yeah, tasty. That was better. Very, very tasty. In fact and a sticky toffee tasty it was tasty right so the final one today is Aunt Bessie's brown ale roast dinner so that makes me think that Bessie makes she makes not maybe not she's not a real person but the brand make Yorkshire Puds potatoes things like that pre-formed yeah you stick them in the freezer you pull them out throw them in a tray nice oven and you know i've had a few they're all right fucking all right we i need some christmas people snob about it like our mate graham who is obsessed with posting mate this is not looking good already you know

graham posts photos of his huge yorkshire pud and goes oh, it's terrible. I used a soft brown pale ale. It's terrible. No, he doesn't. He says oh, what a disaster because they're too magnificent. Oh, fuck. Fuck off. You're listening, Graham, because I know you do listen every now and then. Fuck you and your Yorkshire puds every time. Right, this smells like

the roast dinner. This smells like gravy. Dog's dinner. It smells like booze and gravy. Absolute dog's dinner. I'm going to, oh dear. Boozy gravy? Oh, it's a very frothy one, this. The roast dinner. This smells like gravy. Dog's dinner. It smells like booze and gravy. Absolute dog's dinner. I'm going to... Oh dear. It's a kind of... Boozy gravy. Oh, it's a very frothy one, this.

Maybe it's just some umami, more savoury. It might be better. No custard. At least we're... Have a snuff. At least we're clear of the custard now.

I don't know about this because there's also a creamy note to it. This could be like the dog beer incident. This is a weird... Now it's... Remember when you had dog beer?

Yes, horribly so. Is this going to be like that? No, because in that instance the smell was much worse than the actual taste. It was getting over the smell that made me honk. What was that dog beer like?

Because it just tasted like... No, it tasted like a weak lemon kind of elderflower drink. But it smelled of like... Of shit. Of chum. Of like marabou jelly.

Oh, like that does. This smells... It has a chummy smell. It has a marabou smell, doesn't it? This has a kind of molasses and gravy thing going on.

Oh. It's farty as all hell, man. It's a really farty smell. What is this? It's roast dinner. Roast dinner. Brown. Is it brown ale, it says? Yeah. Like dinner. Roast dinner. Brown. Is it brown ale, it says?

Yeah, like Newquay Brown. Right, okay. So not like a Guinness, like a porter. It's a brown ale. It's its own category. Right. Yeah, of ale. Newquay Brown is one of those, I suppose.

What are you doing? I'm looking at this. Right. I'm looking at the ingredients. Oh, dear. All of these have natural flavours. Never a good sign. Right, can we do this then?

You see, there are pale ales out there that have a tropical fruit flavour, but they don't add anything to it. They've managed to manipulate the hops. To make it such. Those are good beers. And thus. You know, those really fruity IPAs.

This is not, this is all very much. We all agree this is toy drinking. It's toys. That's what I'm saying. It's toy drinks. It's Christmas, mate. It's the strawberry That's what I'm saying. It's toy drinks. It's Christmas. It's the strawberry shortcake action figures of booze. Yeah.

It's not good overall. I just wanted to say that. Let's do the final sup. I don't want to drink this. I really don't. God, that is weird. I don't know about that. That is weird.

There's a chemically back end. Yeah. But also, did you ever get this weird sense that there were moments in there where I could taste mushy peas? Yeah. I don't know what that is. It's like a gravy. It's a very vegetable flavour.

Is that what you're saying? It's like a wave of gravy and then a little bit of meat and then like garden peas, mushy peas kind of vegetable. Veggie kind of thing. And then it just becomes this weird ale at the end. To me, this is very much like, if you just gave this to me and said, here's a glass of brown ale, I'm not going to say, oh, that tastes like... a glass of brown ale I'm not going to say oh that tastes like oh that's I'm not going to say it tastes like a roast dinner

it does not taste like a roast dinner I don't know what you're getting at with that I've got a chemical thing what do you expect from a roast dinner potatoes

turkey meat and gravy you want salt salty you know god that's so farty I know that's the nice one. Oh, I'm having the sticky toffee pudding.

Oh, that's nice. He's started drinking the rest of the cans, everybody. There's going to be a long interval until we do the wrap-up. No. Paul's going to get his drink on. No, Paul, let's do the fucking wrap-up. No. What was your favourite then?

Go get Richard. He's still in there. I would actually give that a three again, I guess. What, the roast dinner? Two. Why? Don't hit me. I thought you didn't like it. Don't hit me. What, the roast dinner? Two. Why? Don't hit me.

I thought you didn't like it. Don't hit me. Yeah, but it had something more than the apple one. It was more drinkable than the apple one for me. So if you're going to rate them one to four, what would you say? I'd say the best one was the porter. Sticky toffee. Yes, definitely. Agreement.

Agreement. There was some... Agreement. Some... Character. Amplitude there. Yes. With the way the flavours coalesce.

Yeah. Yeah. Then at number two, Roly Poly. I didn't like that. I did not like that. but think about what's beneath it. The apple and the roast dinner.

I guess I'd have to put it in two, but I did. For me, there's a pack of three and then there's one way up there. Yeah. You know? Right up.

Hard up. Shut right up. Shut up. Yes. Oh, fucking you. I feel a bit tipsy, Paul. Paul, I feel a bit tipsy.

I'm horny. It's giving you a nice glow. It's giving you the afternoon horn. It's giving me some afternoon delight. It's not the afternoon. It's the fucking evening. We've been going forever. Only because we took a break

so we could listen to your interminable record collection. Oh! At this point, we're at 15 quid this month. Shut up. So what is next? Careful with the fucking what is that i think that fell out the chair you finally done it bolt fell out the chair mate you need to put that back in the chair we need to stop and you need to put that back in

the chair let's wrap this up and then we'll get out and then we'll do it so come on quick quick quick what's three is it roast dinner or is it apple? I think it's, again, roast dinner. Yeah, I would agree. I would agree. Put the roast dinner above the apple. Yeah. The apple was the most objectionable. Just, I don't know.

It was the emptiest of all of them. Overall, not very good, but nothing utterly disgusting. No, nothing vile. Nothing vile. Nothing dog beer. No. No. Oh, dear.

So. Mr. Patton, thanks for listening. Hey, thanks for listening to this segment called... Bows! B-b-b-b-bows. Drinking bows! Is that it? Is that how we end?

I've got a fanny on my hand part, and my hand part smells of cheese. I've got a fanny on my hand part, and you can see there are fleas. fanny on my hand part and you can see there are fleas i've got a fanny on my hand part and my hand part she knows she knows who eli silverman is and it goes and it goes and it goes i've got a fanny on my you are a stupid stupid stupid, stupid, horrible little man. Horrible? Yeah. Oh, come on.

You called me stupid three times. Why can't I be just one time? I'll give you one time stupid. Okay. You can be one time stupid. Horrible man. You can be one time stupid. Oh, that Albert.

He's only one time stupid. Have you given Albert his custard note? No. You can't have... There's no such thing as a custard note, Albert. Well, he's telling me you used to do them for him. No, there's no such thing as a custard note, Albert. He says that the headmaster says he has to bring a custard note.

Oh, Mother, they won't accept me custard note no more, Mother. Well, it's because a custard note doesn't exist, Albert, and you need to go to PE and stop eating so much custard. But I love custard, Mother. We all love custard in this family, Albert. It gives me more love than you do. I don't want to discuss that, Albert. I just want to know one thing from you.

Have you learnt what the ingredient, the most prominent flavour in custard is, Albert? Just answer me that and I might give you a note. Mother, I believe it is to be the ingredient known as vanilla. That's right, Albert. I'll give you a note. Come on, bring me the pad. Go to the study, bring me a pad. It is a study, Mother.

Come on, I've got those pre-made ones from Ryman's. Write down, dear dinner lady. No, it's all done in the note for you. Please give Albert more custard. It's all done it for you. Now, how many extra bowls of custard do you want? I want two this week, brother. Okay, you've been a very good boy, Albert.

And I'm going to give you two extra bowls on me custard note. Here you go. Here we go. Thank you, brother. There you go. Take that to school. Next day in school. Hello, headmaster.

I've got a custard note. Now, Albert. Yeah? You've been a very bad boy. No, I custard note. Now, Albert. Yeah? You've been a very bad boy. No, I haven't. Is this the 60s? What era are we in? Because I might fucking spank you or something.

1950. Right. You've been a bad boy. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said 1990. Oh, I'm not going to do this. You're not going to beat a child, Eli. You're not going to beat a child, everyone.

No. That's the line, and that's how we're ending this segment. Shut up. Fuck it all. And that's it for Cheap Show this week. A bodily bomb. Right, I hope you've enjoyed this week's episode. We've enjoyed making it, haven't we?

Well. Do you mean well? You better laugh. I saw your smile. When? I saw your heart grow three sizes bigger than it usually is.

Slices? Sizes. I said sizes. I've had a little drink. We've both we've both had a little drink. Oh, he's going he's polishing it off as well.

You like this one so I should save this one for you, shouldn't I? I don't want to drink anymore. I've been drinking for three days. Whiskey, the hard stuff, yeah? The hard stuff, yes. Whiskey and... And a rail of Coke off a bar.

No, I didn't. I bet you he did. No, I didn't. I bet you he did, everyone. I bet he did a big line of Coke. What a horrible man. You're wrong. Stop it.

Anyway. I might need to seek employment in the future. Yeah, very likely. Very likely if this bloody Thrift Pod... What if I want to be an MP or something? Well, then you're fine. You're absolutely fine. In fact, you're overqualified already.

Right. If you want to know more about Cheap Show, you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. There are links to everything there. Our YouTube page, Twitter, social media, all that kind of stuff. Facebook. There's also a page for every episode. And it contains pictures and sometimes videos to accompany what we talk about in that episode so you can go to thecheapshow.co.uk also live show november 4th

part of the cheerful earful podcast again if you go to our website link there to the tickets page for those of you who support us on patreon thank you very much it means the world to us and it means we can keep on doing this daft little lovely little show wait wait one second i'm nearly done i'm nearly done i'll be there in a minute brand off bear with let me finish off so if you want to and you feel compelled to you can support us on patreon it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show and as we like to say give what you can but only if you can access the loads of magazines and videos and podcasts and all sorts

and we've just done a new night bus in episode 2 it's a good'un it's an epic good'un the longest bus route in London no it's not almost it's the third longest

second it's the third second no it's a long bus route anyway and you'll have a lot of fun listening to me why can't you absorb

simple information why can't you the 89 just give it a rest the 89 is the second longest give it a rest. The 89 is the second longest. Give it a rest. The 89 is the longest one, the one that goes to Erith. It's the longest night bus then.

Paul, I feel like I want something to say, like when I used to spell out the name of my Twitter page, because it gave me a little thing I just said. I just made a noise. Remember me? It's Eli Silverman. I'm also here. Say it if you want then.

What about your Instagram? Give me your Instagram. It's's Eli Silverman I'm also here say it if you want then what about your Instagram give me your Instagram it's Eli J Silverman there you go if you can follow on there so you

can see your tawdry pictures of corners of buildings from a distance tawdry yeah I beg your pardon

tawdry what do you don't even know what that word means I do what does it mean

tawdry means kind of like run down and scummy does it yeah oh tawdry yeah

okay and sad I don't think I've ever known what tawdry really means. Well, how about you look in the mirror and have a look because that is the living

definition of tawdry. Like an owl, a tawdry owl. It's not. That's the chutney owl. No, it's the tawdry owl. Oh, the tawdry owl. It's like a howl. A howl.

Like that. Look, Brando has been waiting. He's got a huge smile on his face. What do you want, Brando? Jed, come sit down here. Sit in his seat. Move over, you.

Sit there, go on. Right, boys. What? You thought I couldn't do it. I bet you thought I couldn't do it. Do what? Oh. Sort out all of your problems with a little bit of jiggery-pokery.

Okay, so what? That's fucking right. What, what? Well, just open your device and just have a look on the news. See what's going on with our friends over on ThriftPod. Ruff, ruff. Okay, no. Have a little look.

All right, I go podcast news, whatever. There we go. Ruff, ruff. You all right, Eli? Yeah, I'm all right. Good. Good to see you. Oh, shit, what's this?

What? Popular economy comedy podcast ThriftPod cancelled in shocking... Deplatformed. Oh shit, what's this? What? Popular economy comedy podcast ThriftPod cancelled in shocking... Deplatformed. Rob Rob. Wow. Not just cancelled. Rob Rob.

It's been completely banned. In shocking content scandal or something. Play the clip. No, no, no. Let me just read this. They've been what? They've been removed

from multi-platforms because there was a recent episode. Hang on, let me just scroll through. They said something shit and everyone's backed out and as a result they've basically been cancelled

just deleted off the internet why why Ruff Ruff oh there's a clip here have a little look at that boys Ruff Ruff alright let me just click on this then

hang on here you are welcome to Friff Pod the best podcast in the world ever. Thank you for coming in. You fucking know what? What are we doing?

You know what, Levi? Go on, what's that song? I fucking love me some fucking Nazi memorabilia. Oh, yeah, I was just going to say that. I really feel that. It's just a far right point of view. It's the only point of view to have in this day. And also, no girls on this podcast, no nothing.

It's just white men speaking the truth, taking back what's theirs on the world. Levi, do I look like fucking Goebbels in this fucking great big swastika? Oh, you look very sexy. I like it. Look, I've got it in me. I've got fucking SS Waffenhats. And I...

Fucking... Look at that. Oh, look, I'm like Cocker the fucking Walk. And have you seen this? Who's that, Hitler? I want to knob him off, I'm like cock of the fucking walk. And have you seen this? Who's that, Hitler? I want to knob him off. Ich, I'm going to suck Hitler's dick. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, that's funny, that.

That's very good. And yeah, remember, next week, you've got to listen in. We're on the Joe Rogan podcast. And we're going to be speaking some truths about having a free speech that's been taken away from us. So yeah, join us then. Let's crack on with the show. What the fuck?

Richard, I can't... What? How did you... I don't understand how you did it. Wait, what is that? Is that real? Are you going to ask me? But did they really say that? Of course they didn't. What? What did you do? Ever heard of a little rough-rough thing known as an AI large language model, boys? Ruff Ruff?

No. What did you do? I've been working undercover for several years on this technology. Have you? Oh, yeah. I was in there in the Amstrad days. Oh, Jesus. I wanted something that would simulate urine. A digital urine olfactory... It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It wasn't the point. simulate a urine, a digital urine olfactory.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Move on to the point. But it's been developing that for years in my labs in Zurich. Ruff, ruff. Which I have very good connections with still. And do you know what we did? What? We have built avatars of those two with the most advanced AI

large language model ever. So let me get this straight. You sampled all their previous podcasts. You mangled them. We got their voice. We got their predict what they're going to say. All we did

was we did a prompt, Ruff Ruff, where I said, imagine that Saul and Levi of the ThriftPod are fucking major Nazis and write an episode.

And then we did a bit of refining on that. That's what I heard. So how did it get uploaded then? How come they didn't notice it when they uploaded it? Well, I've got a little backdoor, as they say. Ruff, ruff. Yeah, I've heard about that.

Ruff, ruff. I've got a backdoor into Brandowski's. Brandowski, he uploads the episode every week. I have access through my hacking connection. Oh, that's right. They send the episode to him, and then he uploads it, right? I just produced the AI segment, Ruff Ruff, and then I hacked into Brandovsky, and he's just uploaded it.

So you dropped it on his hard drive, and he uploaded it? That's right, Ruff Ruff. So it looks like it's come from his own computer? Absolutely. Jesus Christ. They're cancelled! They really are. Look, the Twitter's been taken down And everything from them

Ruff ruff The website's gone Anyway I'm going to have to go That article on the Times That says about Ruff The top podcast

That page has been removed Jesus Christ Well I've got fingers in a lot of Ruff ruff eyes I hate to say this And I know it's kind of dark But thank you

Ruff Well You've been You know Good to me over the years And I've been up and down Me and Jimmy Jimmy B back at the roundabout. Is he still cleaning up the guttering and the petunias and stuff?

Well, I think it's casserole night actually tonight, Ruff Ruff. Roadkill casserole, Ruff Ruff. Can you guess what that is? Yeah, roadkill. I've got an idea about that. It's not roadkill. It's not real roadkill. I wouldn't eat that muck.

He just gets a rabbit or something from the local farmer. We're actually quite far out. I'm bored now. Can we wrap this up? New Milton Keynes. Anyway, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff. Okay, boys.

No, it's my pleasure. And just... Just thank you. Well, listen, if any of the other... There's been a bit of a, you know, a frosty Ruff Ruff vibe

with the other characters, the original characters since I... Mate, I'm getting texts from them now in the WhatsApp group. Telephone thing. Do you see Jeremy?

Ha ha ha ha, that'll teach them. Yes, just let them know it was me and maybe, you know, Ruff Ruff. Lady Plops, good for you,

well done, Brandoff. Oh, you're going to make me cry now. Bloody hell. You're going to make me cry. Other characters have said things as well saying good on Brandoff.

He came through in the end. Well, I mean, it's still early days but I mean, you know, that's brilliant. Just put in a good end. I mean, it's still early days, but I mean, that's brilliant. Just put in a good word, if you would, boys. Alright, Ruff Ruff, I really must get back to the... Oh, sorry, I've got to... Okay, answer it now.

Just answer it then, okay? That's fine. How do you answer this bloody thing, Ruff Ruff? Stupid. Hello? Hello, you know who this is, Brandofsky. You know who this is. Brandovsky. I know what you did. And let me tell you, the gloves are off.

This is no longer a lit game. This is war. You've destroyed my podcast, my business, my home life. Everything. You've taken everything. But you will pay. You will all pay. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! But you will pay! You will all pay!