CheapShow - Ep 349: Dream Guest

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Special Guest: Gareth Reynolds Things are looking up for Paul and Eli this week. The big wedding is just around the corner and Thrift Pod has been defeated! To celebrate, Paul ruminates on the dream guest for CheapShow and imagines what it would be like if comedian Gareth Reynolds was on the show. Sadly, this means that the only thing that can ruin this experience is his own imagination. Which it then proceeds to do. Poor Gareth is subjected to perverted personal electric blankets, a rude and vulgar board game, an album from 1980s icon Roland Rat and wraps it all up with a book that seemed more exciting when Paul first saw it… But in actual fact? It doesn’t go well. Along the way, Gareth will learn about “posh wanks”, Kunt and the Gang and tell us all about the Milwaukee Milverine! Thankfully, it’s all in Paul’s head. Or is it? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-349-dream-guest And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter (we’re not calling it X) @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Follow Gareth on @reynoldsgareth Get tickets for Gareth’s UK shows here: http://www.garethreynolds.com/events Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Come on, Eli. Boop, boop. Let's get recording. Boop, boop, Eli. Come on. Get the energy up. Is this cold open? Yes.

Boop, boop. Come on, get a wiggle on. I don't... Do it. I'm not in the mood. I don't care what you're in the mood for. Boop, boop. Boop, boop.

I'll put my boot boot in your ass. No, no, good stuff. No good stuff. Oh, fuck off. Anyway, look. No. It's exciting. Look, I'm not ready to do an episode this week, basically, good stuff. No good stuff. Oh, fuck off. Anyway, look. No. It's exciting. Look, I'm not ready to do an episode this week, basically, because...

Why? Well, you know, I'm nervous about the wedding. Yeah, it's next week, the wedding. Now, 350, the big wedding. We've got to be on our best behaviour there. Well, no, because we're covering it live, aren't we? We're covering the event. No drinking, okay?

No, there's no drinking. No desperados, okay? No. It's going to be a... No sneaky desperados. It's a classy going to be a... No sneaky desperados. It's a classy affair. Or Jack and Coke in a can. No, there's none of that.

It's going to be a classy affair. Which you like to suck two down before we start working. Suck you down before we start working. Well, I wish you would sometimes. No, you wouldn't. Get me a fluffer. What, for the show? Yeah.

You want a podcast fluffer? Yes. All right. And it has to be in a wooden box. The show? Yeah. You're a podcast fluffer? Yes. All right.

And it has to be in a wooden box. Hello. I am the FluffBot 4000. Beep bop. I'm admiring your wooden veneer. Boop boop, Eli. Let me sock you off. Boop boop.

No, you just... All it is... Beep bop, beep boop, beep bop. Fuck off, beep boop. Come on. I'm here now. I'm not doing it with Paul around. Beep bop.

I'm not doing putting my dick in that with Paul around. Beep bop. I'm not doing putting my dick in that with Paul around. Boop bop. I'm not going to. Come over here, suck bot. Yeah, out of the way. He doesn't want you right now. Beep boop. All right, I'm off now then.

I am off. Boop boop. Right, so. What I'm saying is I'm not feeling it. It's because 350. It's a big show. Going to be a big special event. Big wedding. Wedding of the year. I can't wait. It's a big show. Going to be a big special event. Big wedding.

Wedding of the year. I can't wait. It's going to be a lovely day. Everyone's going to be there. We're going to be there reporting on the day so everyone knows what's going on. I know. It's just going to be lovely.

We need something to spice up my love life. Like a tandoori condom. What am I to do with that, Mr. Silverman? Mango chutney. Mango chutney. Listen, if you're not feeling it, I've got to spice this up, haven't I? I might have to reduce your roll. What's going to happen after 350?

I'm going to make it spicy. I'm going to start getting big-name guests on the podcast. You're going to get a ratney on the chutney. I'm going to get some big old chutney-muckney guest names. Ratney on the mango chutney. I'm going to get a chutneyney Poulter's worth of guests. Who'd be your favourite guest then ever? What if I segue it better than that?

So, who'd be your favourite guest? Who'd be my dream guest, Eli? Who would be my dream guest, Eli? Let me have a little think. No, I'll say it better. It doesn't matter because you've ruined this segue. I know. It's been a tough segue for me.

Worked on it. I did. Who'd be your dream guest then? Let me think. It didn't work. Let's start again. No, don't click your fingers. Only I click my fingers

to start again. We're going to start this bit again, everybody. I'm committing to this. No, we're not there. We're committing. It's happening. We're nowhere near it.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's think. Who would be a good guest on Cheap Show? Let's make that line clear. I know. Oh, I know. Beep boop.

I know. I think you're a bit tired, Paul. You're tired. No, I think you are. You've got bags under your eyes. Oh, let me have a think. You look and you were nodding off earlier. No.

Shut up. You were nodding off. If I could have anyone in the world as a guest, Eli. Oh, I don't know if we'd ever get him. Are you nodding off, Paul? I don't know if we'd ever get him. Are you nodding off, Paul? I don't know if we'd ever get him, but I'd like to have the stand-up comedian and star of the podcast, The Dollop,

Gareth Reynolds on our podcast, but that would never happen, would it? Not in a million years. Oh, the very thought, Eli. The very thought. Are you going to sleep, Paul? Hmm, yawn. Fuck me.

Yawn, I'm going to sleep. Imag imagining what it would be like for Gareth... That was working! That would work! Just commit to the bit, for fuck's sake. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheap Show. I'm just going to get a cup of tea. Stop talking over my wibble line! Oh, I can't do it again, sorry. I wonder what it would be like if Gareth Reynolds was on Cheap Show.

Cheap Show, Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon

Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle And on this week's edition of Cheap Show, Eli, I've got the most special guest in the whole wide world. What's that, Paul? What guest? Well, it's a big secret, but I'm going to reveal it for you now. Why? Oh, I'm so excited. I'm fizzing. I'm fizzing with anticipation. Ladies and gentlemen, on this week's magical edition

of Cheap Show, we have stand-up actor, writer, genius, adventurer, lover man man horny goat yes a person of great magnitude and importance a man who in the shadows of others still casts a light sorry are you crying no i'm crying a little bit i'm emotional i'm emotional please welcome star of the dollop please welcome comedian and genius gareth reynolds hey it's me thank you for joining us you're welcome i'm more of a horny goat than i am an actor at this point i just i don't know what it was the image was horny goat i saw your face and horns built hooves oh god oh stop talking this is terrible so far but uh no uh Paul, Eli, it is a pleasure. We've been trying to do this for a while, and I've been very distant at times. And I've been very patient. It's balanced out really well.

Very patient. Basically, we only get guests on this podcast when we've emotionally worn them down to a nub. Well, it is effective. I like to. It's effective. It's effective. Yeah, it's effective. It's effective. This is how it works. That's how you got me to do the podcast, isn't it?

In the first place. I just offered you a bag of instant noodle, and you snuffled in. You came in on a kind of Pied Piper instant noodle trail. You are English, Eli. That's what this means. I am, yes. Yes, although you're not quite, are you?

Well, similar to you, Gareth. Well, no, you're not that similar to him, because you're great and successful and handsome. Oh, yes. Yes, although you're not quite, are you? Well, similar to you, Gareth. Well, no, you're not that similar to him. Well, no, the opposite way around. Because you're great and successful and handsome. Oh, right. Why do you have to... Are you casting a light in a shadow? I don't know.

Yeah. You can't cast a light. You're nothing but shadow, Eli. Casting a light in a shadow? Yeah. It's hard. Like an angel. I've got the reverse sort of lineage.

My parents are Americans. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. I've got the reverse sort of lineage. My parents are Americans. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. That is... So, you know what I mean? This is awkward. Yeah. I do, yeah.

It's horrible, but I get it. But you both have dual passports, I'd imagine. I don't have a dual one because I gave up on my... Let me be honest. You don't need to have a passport to this country. That's just fine. No. There's no value in that.

What do you need to get in these days? Yeah, no, the getting out is the move. That's why I got one. Do you still accept food stamps to get into the country? Yep, yeah, absolutely. Good to know. All right, cool, because I've got loads of those from back in the day. Oh, yeah.

No, you can give food stamps. You can jerk the guy off, however you want to handle it. It's as hard as getting into a club. It's weird that you've randomly picked the two things I excel at, food stamps and tossing men off. Well, congratulations. If you're white, I should point out. If you're not white, then there might not be any way in.

That's the only way I've ever understood the phrase cash in hand. That's right. Well done. This is where I edit in a trombone sound effect to make that gag work. Paul, sorry, Gareth. I'm just going to have a little word with him now. Paul, you need to calm down. Why? Because you're embarrassing, not just us, not just you,

not just me and you, but also our listeners. Oh, am I embarrassing them? Have you seen the state of our listeners? It's like the cast of bloody Clive Barker's Hellraiser. Don't start this! Anyway, so what we thought we'd do with you today, Gareth,

is we would play our world famous game, The Price of Shite. It's like The Price is Right, but we collect things from charity shops and such. And what you're going to do is you're going to see four items

and you're going to guess the prices of them. Okay. But don't we have, we've got preset prices, don't we? We do. Well, we should do well we should do the song first as well and get gareth involved because that'll be exciting so the plan is right

we're going to do our jingle at the very end you just jump in and say and that's right okay okay does that make sense so we're gonna sure it's going to basically be it's the fucking price right it's the fucking price right it's fucking price right it's fucking price right and that's right so when we stop you're just saying that's right and basically when we stop just say that and i'll tighten it up in the edit and make it sound slick as all right lovely beautiful right here we go oh it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Oh.

Beautiful. Oh, I was ready to be critical, but that was beautifully delivered. You're taking your clothes off. It's not. It's hot in Britain. It's hot in Britain today. We're having an unusually hot September.

This is how you get in America. I heard it's hot there today. It's crazy hot, because obviously these houses aren't built for, you know for keeping people cool in this weather. It is a sweat box. It's really bad. Yeah, it's not great. I've always said I like the English sweaty. That's the best look for the English. It's the only way we have any color to our skin

because that refraction of light makes us... It's not the right version. It's cherubic. In a certain light, we look like the vampires from Twilight, if you can get us in the right angle. No, absolutely. Yeah. I've seen through a lot of English people. If you go to Wimbledon, sometimes it looks like the stadium's empty,

but it's actually just the lights hitting them wrong. It's like a sea of baby goldfish. It's like jellyfish. Yellow of the teeth just floating in the air. Yeah, that's right. You can just see tea going down. It's like the Invisible Man. You're like, oh, there's someone there. It's a country of ghosts, everyone.

And you know what? In some respects there it's a country of ghosts everyone yeah yeah and and and you know what in some respects it is ghost of democracy ah there we go i remember uh right so we're going to get into it we have four items for gareth to look at today and what's going to happen is you're going to see all four and at the end i'm going to give you four prices and you're going to match the price to each item. So one of these items will be one pound. One item will be two pound. I've gone blank in my head. Three is after two. Three is after two. I don't know why I forgot the number three. I think you should get your trousers back on for one thing. Yeah, that'll help.

I don't want to. It's making this a nice breeze. So one is one. One is one. Two is two. Three is three. Okay. So we're going to get the point of the final item, the fourth one will be £4. One to four. I think I understand it. Yeah, it sort of seems like it's like counting.

But it's very similar to counting. Yeah, I picked up on that. Yeah. We're going to break you in easy with item numbers. Is that the rules done? Oh no, we call them betwings. Who gives a fuck? No, I think betwings are very important, Paul.

Yes. And I think if I may are very important, Paul. Yes. And I think if I may. Okay. In a calm way. Yeah. Gareth, this game is a very central part of our podcast and its history. It's almost sacrosanct. Over the years, the points that you win in this game have become known as betwings.

Very much like the noise, the noise of a... A star. Well, it's the noise of a game show. Yeah, a ding. Exactly. Ding. That's the translation. But it's a petwing.

Petwing equals ding. So you could be entering the exclusive club of non, you know, non... I'm watching it in your face, desperately look for the next word that I'm enjoying every moment. What's the point? What's the regulars?

We're the regulars on the podcast. It doesn't matter. Non-regular Petwing. Yes, non-regular contestants. You try and say something. I did, and it didn't work. Petwing's up for grabs. Yes, they're all Petwing's up for grabs.

And so you will be facing off against Eli because he doesn't know the prices of these items. Oh, shit. Well, what? But he's one of the Petwing hosts. Okay, I'll figure it out. It's fine. Look, I will say you're up against a champ Well, what? But he's one of the Petwing hosts. Okay, I'll figure it out. It's fine. Look, I will say

you're up against a champ, but I will say he's a champ who's been on the ropes recently and his game's off. So you have just as much a chance as beating him as possible.

And for every match price you get correct, it's a Petwing. Something you can take home and tell your children, your cat, friends. I saw a photo of your cat today, Gareth.

Oh, yeah? On the scales. On the scales. He looks like a bad boy. He is a bad boy. He looks like he doesn't give a single fuck. He's in charge. He's in charge. I work for him. No doubt. Does he take 10% of what you earn? No, I take 10% of what I earn. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair play. Fair play. All right then, let's get into it. This is the first item on the list, and it is called the Hotspot Mini Electric Blanket Exclusively for Him. And on that box, Gareth, please explain what you're looking at. Well, first of all, let's just all flag the fact that it says exclusively for him.

It jumps out right away. We're looking at a man in a sleeping cap who looks a bit like, I would say, a Sicilian. One would say it looks like he has a large stomach. He's tucked in nicely. He's got the British cheeks and the heat we were talking about. And it is plugged in. So it looks like the blanket is plugged in, but that might be misleading.

But why would a blanket i don't know as a thought experiment be just for him what would make it unique you think he like it's shaped like a cock and he puts it on his dick yeah and if we go to image yep that is what it is that looks dangerous but also this isn't a british item no that's an american plug and um the ball it's the red right and blue balls isn't it like yeah it's very patriotic yeah but but i mean one could argue that it's union jack yeah yeah true either way it works as a perfect flag for either country right now now this is not yes this is a novelty item which is meant for amusement purposes only no one's actually putting their dick in that and

trying to keep it warm oh contraire well if the plug the plug is way shorter than advertised you either need an extension cable or your bed needs to be very close to the wall no you get the initial pack and then they try and upsell you you know extension cable yeah you need the initial pack and then they try and upsell you, you know, various other extension cables. Yeah, you need the cock extension too. Just for the record, I think that's about three inches, not including the balls. Fine. Yeah.

Well, by the way, include the balls always. Is that what your measurement is? I go right from the end of the bar. You go from your knee. Yeah, I actually go from my mother's genitals. But just for the record, just so you know, not that anyone's concerned. I'm on the record. I'm going to write this down for the record. That plug is not connected to the sock.

The sock, I guess it is. It's a dick sock. Yeah, it's just connected. There's no wiring. There's no actual heating element. Good. Well, we're all very relieved. It kind of looks like Santa

if he closes his eyes. Yeah. No, it sort of looks like a snowman figure skater with the different colors. And that little cord's the little figure it's made on the ground. I'm getting Smurf.

Some kind of Smurf vibe as well. Chopper Smurf. Yeah. Right, so that's item one. You don't have to guess right now, but that is your first item. The Mini For Him Electric Blanket. We're going to move on to the second item now.

Image number three. Or two. Or three, I guess. It's image three, item two. I've already confused this. When I sent it, it would be in order so you could scroll through them. Oh, it's image number three because we had two images of the first item. The first one. So it's item two, image three.

A multi-image slideshow presentation. Right. This is part of my obsession with board games, Gareth. I started off getting go for broke for this podcast seven years ago. I now have 270 board games in storage I can't get rid of. Jesus Christ. That's terrible news. It is.

It's a sickness. It actually is. It absolutely is. How about a board game where you try to get rid of some of those games? You know what? Write that down, Eli. That's a great idea. Well, I'm your secretary.

Eli, write it down. Jesus Christ. I'll write it down. Don't mind writing it down. We both asked you to do it. And thanks for miming on an audio podcast i always that's what i specialize in but i thought i didn't hear a pen scratch yeah he's utter fraud so this is a game called dirty habits it's from a company called paul

lamond games they have been on the podcast before because they make real budget board games for families christmas this kind of stuff i think they also do tv as well. But we're going to play a little bit of this game before we move on. This is a game, unfortunately, where it's a bit like Trivial Pursuits. You move around the board collecting wedges, depending on what category you land on. I thought I'd pit you and Eli against each other. How are you feeling for that? I'm ready.

In that case, we're going to play Dirty Habits. Are you ready, Eli? I'm always ready. But the amount of bogey, I mean, that's just... It's a gross image. This has to be a British board game in conception. Well, it's also the wheel is covered in them. Yeah, I hadn't even noticed that until just then.

That's the bit that really grosses me out. And also, it looks like he's doing like a rock horns with his hands. Yeah, sign of the devil. Yeah. I think there's some subliminal stuff going on here okay so elaborate please it's satanic okay right okay yeah if you play this game backwards it tells you to kill your parents i think playing it fords will do that frankly okay here we go i'm gonna let uh gareth go phil so i'm gonna spin the dial it tells me what moves it will pick a

category then i'm gonna pick a card at random. Read that out and you'll both be challenged to that topic. With you, Paul. Good. He's spinning the dial now. What does that say? You're the little red man. Oh yeah, red man and Eli is blue man.

So I am now going to pick a card at random from the centre. So I'll be dick tip. He'll be balls. Yes. In more ways than you will ever, ever know. Right. Okay. So this was bathroom, which is B on the card.

Okay. You're both going to answer this, but here we go. Okay. You use your friend's bidet and leave a nasty brown stain on the clean towel. What would you do, Gareth? God, I regret this game. Oh. I mean mean it's what am i doing first of all i would say what am i doing in general in life yeah i would say this isn't a life and you know there would definitely be some sort of mini

breakdown um so i've used the bidet but i've used their towel, and the bidet hasn't fully done its job. So what would I do? Left a cheeky streak. Left a, like, right, yeah, it's a cheek. Yeah. I would probably throw the towel away, but not in that bathroom. I would sneak the towel into another receptacle and throw it out, and that would be that. That's pure rationality. I can't better that answer i would add to it i would look for a fireplace

barbecue or something like that you don't want that well if that barbecue's ongoing you're getting your poo smoking their burgers it's a bit it's called a poof and i would suggest i would suggest that yes you might be making too big of a scene. I think a receptacle. Yes. And then if you're caught, lie. I don't know. What?

Someone did that? Oh, I don't even use the bidet. I wouldn't. Yeah. Also, why is the bidet? The bidet is something that we don't even have in this country, do we? We're not big on them, though. But it cleans all around there proper good.

So I don't know. It's supposed to. But also, if you use the bidet, you just use toilet paper after. You wouldn't be like... Exactly. This is badly conceived. I think what this is is conceived by a Brit in the 80s who had no idea. I think this sounds like a bad habit.

This is a game from, I think, the 90s, it says on the card. Either way, it means nothing to us now. I'm going to spend for you, Eli. Right, who won that then? It doesn't matter. I'm going to do one more of these because my soul's dying

in the process and I haven't got much of it left. Let's hope it's better than the B-Day one. I don't have much of it left, mate. Let me keep what I've got of it. Just keep going.

It's going well. Is it? Yeah, hell yeah. Is it? Yeah, yeah. Is it going well, mummy? I'm not going to give you strokes while we're doing the podcast. Put on the cocksuck. Do you have going to give you. Is it going well, mommy? I'm not going to give you strokes while we're doing the podcast.

Put on the cock sock. Do you have that? Shopping. What? The cock sock. Yeah, to hand. Yeah. Why?

Do you have it? Yes. Okay. It's a real thing. I didn't just go online and see that. I bought it. I went into a shop with what was left of my dignity. I bought it.

No more questions. Fine. It's here. I have a lot of questions, but you're right. Right. Next card. Oh, I bought it. No more questions. Fine. It's here. I have a lot of questions, but you're right. Right. Next card. Oh, dear. Okay.

Come on, then. I'm going to pick a good one. Laughing suggestively is this card's title. Okay. And then it says shopping, so I have to pick the shopping capital category. Thank you. Oh, God. S, you meet your boss in the supermarket

and all you have in your trolley is a packet of condoms and he knows your partner's away. Eli, let's start with you. What would you do? Not that this would ever really ever happen to you. I'm going to come back to that. But again, why would you... You're buying a bunch of condoms. There is an expiration date on condoms,

but it's like years, isn't it? Yeah, it's like seven years. How much is this boss putting stuff together? You know, he knows how often you do it, and he's like, well, they definitely will run out or something. You know, it could be for next week when my partner gets back. I'm your boss, and I know you never do it. So it's fine, I would be suspicious.

Well, what if you saw me then in the supermarket with a bunch of Johnnies in a trolley I would presume you've become a survivalist Why would I need them If I was going to be a prepper For a posh wank Gareth, have you heard of this? A posh wank, yeah

A posh wank is when you Use a condom And it's You know That's going back Well well if you take nothing away from this podcast recording gareth please take that into your heart i am it's so amazing to actually picture doing that for me it just seems insane i know i never understood it that's a kind of distressing wank.

Well, the benefit of the condom is the birth control. It's never like, oh, it's great for like, it's the easiest cleanup. Like, that's not how it is. It's like, it's annoying. Just pretend you're having safe sex with a ghost. I think. Yeah. I think the term posh wank just came from school children.

That's where I got it from. Well, they're doing great stuff over there. When I was a school child. Yeah, no, obviously. I don't want to't want to actually wank into the uh cock blanket it's very absorbent uh yeah it's great it's like doing it into a wool hat same question to you then what do you do if your boss sees you uh with a with a trolley full of condoms well first of all i i think to what eli's saying uh fair point, I mean, it's kind of weird to be like, oh, what am I going to do? You know, because whatever, you know, I would do one of two things.

I would either say I ain't looking to get pregnant or I would if he looked and he gave me a weird look, I'd say they're for my dad and give him a wink. Hey, very wink. Hey. Very good. Good. No, very good. I would just stare him coldly in the eyes and then just start putting

more and more condoms in out of spite until it overflowed the basket. Have you heard of a posh wank would be a great one. Yeah, that's what you do. It's an icebreaker. I'm having lots of posh wanks.

The girl wipes away. I'm going to town. The wife's away. Yeah. Tonight I have lobster and a posh wanks. The girl wipes away. I'm going to town. Tonight I have lobster and a posh wank. Right, you know what? That's enough of that game, I think. I think that's fine.

So that's the second item today. And that's forever. That's enough of that game forever. That is going so super fast. Back to a charity shop tomorrow. You don't want that in your collection, Paul? No, that's all right. I can let that one go. I like that you're keeping the cock sock, but that has to go. Well, that obviously has uses later on down the line I can't foresee and might need. I might be stuck in the snow

with nothing but that in my hand. I'm facing indignity. Heat comes from the feet and penis. Well, I could certainly vouch for that. So let's move awkwardly on. Right, the next item is an audio track, and it is from Roland Ratt. Superstar proudly presents the cassette of the album. Gareth, I have to ask, because you are of, you know, British descent in some respect.

Have you ever heard of Roland Ratt? Yes. You have. And what is great about my version of English is, so much of it is sort of like this, where I'll see something and go, oh, right. Like, I'll see the Wombles and I'll go, oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know, and there's just a lot of, like, Mr. Blobby or whatever, just these little things where I'll'll go oh yeah yeah you know and there's just a lot of like mr blobby or whatever just these little things that i'll go oh yeah and roland ratt among them roland ratt i was like right roland ratt so i am familiar with roland ratt and um like everyone else i wonder why and how this happened because this is a trend that we've noticed on the podcast right where specifically like light entertainment or like comedy characters or sketch show characters or puppets will release an album in their kind of peak popularity on the back of like multiple t-shirts and lunchboxes.

And all of them will have a rap on because like Kenny Everett released a rap. We had that Rodney Dangerfield album, which was- Yes. Oh my God. Which is- In Britain, rap was very much a novelty genre

when it first arrived. Yes, anyone could do it and shouldn't. Yes. Yes, exactly. It was very apparent. All the comics in Britain would have a novelty rap thing. Yeah. And it just became this thing.

But, like, the Roland Rapp thing, I knew it growing up. Everyone kind of knew in this country Roland Rapp. But what I didn't realise was just how important he was to British TV in general. Because TV AM was set up by David Frost, and it was a big money sink, and it was like first breakfast TV on the commercial channels in the UK. And it was flopping. And David Frost had set this up to be a serious breakfast show with no gimmicks. And when the ratings flopped, he went, bring in the Ratt.

And Roland Ratt came in and literally saved TV AM. He was huge. I loved him. I loved it. Well, that's genius. And by the way, when you think of like, I mean, when I think of The Big Breakfast or some of those shows, you know, I mean, you're like puppets were serious members of the show. Like puppet, you know what I mean?

Like nobody was like, hey, a little puppetry, that's fun. People were like, no, that's an interesting point. That's very good, Zeus. If Orville the Duck said it, it's worth thinking about.

Yeah, it's a very good weather forecast. We're looking forward to it. Paul, we're playing the Price of Shite still. Yes. You've seen the... Yeah, but that's a sticker

from 1990 or something. Oh, that was the original price. Yeah, see, Eli, we're adjusting for... Rally inflation, yeah. And the weird thing about this whole album is, obviously, what I have done... Everything, right?

Well, probably everything. Did you listen to the tracks beforehand or not, just out of interest? No, I did, and yeah, what a nightmare. Everything I try and create is ruined by you two. I've got to sing a sensitive song to open this album, and now I'm all worked up. Out of my way.

Sorry, darling. Thank you. She could be a star in a white Porsche car She's a queen of star, far more than a ma She feels real cool, she ain't no fool She wears dresses like Gina Bertini She's been so mad, spends his money She's one of a kind and he calls her funny It may seem weird or like a dream She's a member of the team She's the number one, number one

Yeah! Number one, number one That's what it says She's the number one, number one But they're almost the outliers on the album because one's like a gospel hymn sung by a Welsh gerbil and then you've got a reggae song, the Pink Bucket song on there. If you want, Gareth, as a special treat,

I can send you the full album after the show. I don't know how you feel about that. Unfortunately, my email is just, I'm not using it anymore. It happens to me a lot, that. Yeah, I have to switch. Let me reach out to you with the new stuff and we can arrange that at a different time.

Don't send it now to anything though so i wait just then until you get back in touch then which yeah well i'll specifically reach out with an email titled now send me the rad albums not until i get that not until i get that email yes and no sooner exactly yeah okay all right well i'll do my best could i say something about this i'm just gonna write an email eli away from me. The cover of this album, have you noticed what they're ripping off kind of badly? No. The Monty Python? Yeah, Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Oh, why? Because they had the album, the record of the Monty Python and the Holy Grail, said the album of the film, of the thing, of that. And it was in big rock. It was in big rock letters like that. Yeah, yeah, that's totally the font. Wow, that's so...

So it's sort of like we're spoofing in every direction. Yeah, and also, this is for children, so they're kind of pulling a fast one, aren't they? Because the kids they're selling this to won't have seen the Monty Python thing. I don't think they care, honestly, at this point. No, they just want to make money. Yeah, it's just cheap

is what I'm saying. It's a cheap sort of rip-off. But have you noticed how weird it is that the thing is called Roland Ratt Superstar proudly presents the cassette of the album

and it's a vinyl album. This is from a vinyl record that I wrote. That's the joke, isn't it? And in the audio, in the recording on the thing, the gimmick is is that Roland Ratt

has noticed that they've called this the cassette and the cassette is called the album of the something or other. And there's different versions of it. There's a version on the cassette which has different sketches than this one, all based on the idea that they've called this wrong. And I thought, conceptually, I don't get that.

He's so unfunny, Roland Ratt, as well, isn't he? Yes. Yes. Yes. Ratt Baines. That's my best impression of it. It's terrible. No, it is.

There's so much of this. It really is like a cultural difference. Like America, I mean, you know, America is the dumbest country in the dumbest time ever. We're catching up. We're catching up, Gareth. Good fucking luck, honestly. You've got a head start.

It's adorable, but keep trying. luck honestly like it's adorable but keep trying um but but stuff like this just the kind of mainstreaming of these this gimmick nonsense doesn't fly here like it does there because i was gonna say do you have anything comparable over there because i know you have like uh like lamb chop or you know you can even maybe fold in the but if Lambchop released an album, it would be for kids. It would not like like, you know, like the Christmas number ones there are always shocking. Like Mr. Bobby, Teletubbies, even that goddamn sausage roll song. Like that would not happen here. That makes my piss boil.

What's the sausage roll song? It's that guy who claims he's raising money every year for some charity oh yeah skimming off the top we built this city on sausage rolls oh have you ever have you ever heard of a guy called cunt in the gang no so cunt in the gang is a comedian in the uk and he's kind of famous for doing kind of extreme vulgar songs and he does he does one of called sexy kids by jimmy about jimmy saville sung by jimmy saville and that's kind of his stick but he's now getting into the habit of releasing songs when they really when when people release their you know i'm looking at him now yeah it's interesting he's i think i used to see him in edinburgh fringe festival right and it was always my arsehole as a

cunt is that's the one yeah that's the craziest title of a song I've ever heard. Not one of his best, but definitely one to enjoy. Bangers and Mash is good as well. But he's an interesting artist. But when they release the sausage roll thing, he will then release a kind of satirical take on it. Or when there's an election or something, he will release. I sucked off a bloke. See, that would not be like...

That here, people would be like, yeah, that's not funny and also what like why you know what i mean people people would flag that and it's interesting because because he charts really high the bbc and radio stations can't mention the song name or the title when they say at number two oh and then they move on to number one which is always it's really bad but there's a theory behind that where it's like more people are willing to buy that kind of novelty song now because they don't have to physically take the cd back in the day to the counter and say oh look i'm buying mr blobby and so now they can buy these weird songs without shame and get them to number one it's the whole record buying

um or song buying process is completely private now isn't it oh yes yeah but there's not just to be clear there's not a lot of countries where you're going like oh nobody can know that i'm buying the mr blobby album you know what i mean like that here would not be a problem like it's not like like music isn't like buying porn it's just very strange the nickelback albums on the top shelf i can't reach that can you get that for me and and that's that's bad music but you're not like i don't want people to know i'm buying the puppet album the thing is i don't know album's on the top shelf, mate. I can't reach that. Can you get that for me? Yeah, I mean, and that's bad music, but you're not like, I don't want people to know I'm buying the Puppet album. The thing is, I don't know what's worse,

the fact that I would never- Like Ken Dodd and the Diddy Men. Which is- Which is basically like if a record took acid. Yeah. And that also, that guy scared the shit out of me. There was a place in Southport in the north of England which has a little cart ride.

And back in the day when I was like 10, there was the Ken Dodd and the Diddy Man ride. It was kind of like a... Oh, my God. Like a basic... Like a Small World After All sort of... Ghost train? No, think more like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

It was that kind of thing. Okay. So you're zooming up and down these pretzel kind of rides and every time, Ken Dodd's leering at you in this kind of real caricature-esque... A Ken Dodd dummy. Like a Ken Dodd manne leering at you in this kind of real like caricature-esque A Ken Dodd dummy like a Ken Dodd dog mannequin

A Ken dummy And when you see his eyes and those teeth and the diddy men coming at you as a 10 year old I was crying by the time I got off that ride

It's horrifying Ken Dodd looks like if Monty Don smoked crack I mean that guy was legendary He sold millions of singles You see it in the charity shops to this day up and down the country like digging in the crate in a charity shop it's like three

but that's what i mean like he would not like again i'm i i i am no like uh i do not support america but that that wouldn't happen here that just wouldn't happen here like we'll you know we'll we have all you know we'll like yeah we'll invade countries and be like yeah we're you know so we're nuts but but ken dodd would not be like a household name here no and that's that's fine he's ours you can't have him again i'm being very clear have him yes please god happiness oh no that was was that him did Happiness, the greatest gift that I put, which was a cover of Chaplains? Of who?

Charlie Chaplains. Do you mean who? Chaplin didn't sing. He was a silent artist. I'm sure... No, he was, but he also did talkies, like famously The Dictator.

The Great Dictator. Not The Great... Was it The Great Dictator? It was The Great Dictator, yeah. Well, then The Dictator was that Sachin Baron Cohen film, wasn't it? No.

Let's have the next item. Let's move on. Paul, did you just start arguing alone? I did. I do it a lot. And sometimes I win. You turned it on yourself. Yeah, it's a little bit like Ken and the Diddy Man.

Don't. Don't you bring up the Diddy Man. Well. They're worse than the rat. Final item today is the piste resistance of this. Because this book, I've literally been sitting on this until we could have you on the show literally he's got the willie warmer on and then he's sitting on this book it's like trousers off everything what i'm picturing is great a moonlight

shadow upon its cover now so this is a book called man bites man and on the cover it says the scrap book of an english eccentric geentric, George Ives. And just to kind of boil it all down to the very, very basics, George Ives was basically a turn-of-the-century kind of eccentric, came from a lot of money. So in the late 1800s, early 1900s, he got into a habit of, he was into 14 stuff.

He would read the 14 Times. He read all the newspapers he could around, you know, from America, from Britain, maybe from abroad. And he would read the 14 times he read all the newspapers he could around you know from america from britain maybe from abroad and he would take cuttings of the strangest topics like like so he apparently he started in university and by the time he was dead he had 45 large scrapbooks full of newspaper clippings from over like 50 60 years wow so he had like a collier's mansion of of newspaper yeah just kind of like a bizarre hoarder not yeah any hoarders are normalized but yeah and apparently he was quite eccentric as a result of like he came from lots of money so he could spend time seeing the world and doing weird

things uh and then when he died they were cleaning out the stuff found these scrapbooks and then they compiled them into this book. Interesting. The scrapbook has been passed on to a museum or something in the UK now. So, sorry, how was he known? What was his main thing? He was just a rich eccentric. Think of it as a local character. So every town has their local character.

And he just, through pop cultural osmosis, became this book, I guess. That's what I'd like to do later in life. What? Go to some town and become the local character yes that's a very easy get for you by the way that is there's a guy i'm from a place called milwaukee in wisconsin and there's a guy who he just had he's kind of jack. Like he's kind of strong and he has kind of like, I guess like big brown hair. He's losing his hair now, but he kind of had big brown hair and he was just, he would just walk all around Milwaukee. And someone thought he looked like the Wolverine. So they called him the Milverine.

He's become like a, like you, like, you'll be like, oh my God, the Milverine. You'll like see him walking. You're like, whoa. And he sells shirts and he's become like a like you like you'll be like oh my god the milverine you'll like see him walking you're like whoa and he sells shirts and he's just no yeah he must be rich on instagram yeah it's not a bad gig no but didn't he kind of like wasn't there a thing not recently but wasn't the thing where a news reporter came and spoke to him and then that kind of ruined the mystique somewhat and he became aware of but he turned out to be extremely right wing that's what always happens, isn't it? They always,

they're always anti-vax or something. Every single one of them. Yeah, no, the second they start, yeah, the second, exactly, stuff like that happens.

I'm actually looking at him on Instagram now. The Milverine, don't wear no mask. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly, right. Exactly, yeah. I'm going to follow him now.

There was the puppet man in Norwich where I went to university. What's that? He had a terrible marionette of a little fluffy bird, like an emu sort of thing. Right. He'd just be there every day in the middle of the market.

Like a busker, though. Yeah. So he's a busker. He was a busker, but he was pushing it with how eccentric, you know. He did extremely long shifts as the busker, like just doing that puppet forever. Another thing I wanted to point out, this guy, this is edited by Paul Sivking. he did extremely long shifts as the busker like just doing that puppet forever another thing i wanted to point out yeah this guy this is edited by paul sieve king do you think he came from like

sieve manufacturers yes thank you i'm trying come on yeah no you're very trying eli on a weekly basis right so what i thought i'd do is i'd read a few of these out that i've chosen and then if we have time pick some random ones okay it's. Okay? It's a bit like your popular podcast, Past Lives. Yeah, the Past Lives? Yeah, the Past Lives. You know it, the Past Lives podcast. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, the Past Lives one he does. Yeah, yeah, the one with the crystal balls and stuff. Yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can't believe you don't know about that. I know. I feel like I'm being dolloped on my other podcast. No, it's the Past Times

podcast, everyone. I'm having a bit of fun with our guest. He says, after absolutely fucking blanking mentally. You are going too fast, Paul. We know it's a big deal for you. But you need to, yeah. Gareth, I'll let you choose for the first story. you like one about drugs or would you like one about a ghost oh fuck um i feel like

drugs will be more fruitful in this case i'll say i'd always go for that it's a shame because the ghost one was about a ghost that threw a stick of butter in a guy's eye. Oh, my God. Damn it. That's what you could have won, Gareth. That's what you could have won. Well, why? You did this. So this is from, it doesn't tell you the newspaper itself, but it does tell you the year.

So this comes from 1937. I think it's a UK article based on this headline. The headline is, only 616 drug addicts in Britain. Wow. Wow, that's's a that's a fact in in 1937 there were only 616 things that goes on to say there were only 616 drug addicts in britain according to the government reports to the league of nations just published during the 1936 report there was no evidence of any organized illicit drug traffic in Great Britain, Northern Ireland, the Isle of Man or the Channel Islands. Addictions to narcotic drugs is not

prevalent in the United K. United K? Should we pick the ghost story? That was much funnier when I read it to myself. That was not a funny story. I mean, I've got more than 600 drug addicts living outside my window, it seems like. In Haringey.

Let's hear this ghost story. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps it was just an English person who was transparent. It very easily could have just been a translucent Brit, no doubt. He can't find it. Let's go to another story, Paul. That's kind of haunted in its own way. You imagined it, didn't you?

Because do you know when he had this dream about the 3D camera in his arse? He saw the footage and they were ghosts. They were ghostly like the scream mask was in your bum,

wasn't it? Oh my God. So of all the things you wanted to fill time with while I went through a book, you just thought you'd elaborate on that Bond story.

Gareth seemed quite diverted for that. He made the right choice. Okay. Here's a story for you. This is actually quite interesting because it goes to a reasonably famous person in history. This article is called That Awful America. This is from an article in a newspaper from

1923, probably British. Isadora Duncan kicks out. Have you ever heard of Isadora Duncan? She was the one who was strangled by her scarves. Is that right? Yes, but that's not like why you should remember her. That's the only thing I know about her she was a starlet

and she was strangled she loved the high life and she had these flamboyant long scarves and she got in a fast race car, or she drove it herself or something or her lover was driving it

and her scarf got caught in the wheel axle yeah behind and strangled her to death is that the story? no okay

but thank you for that and so she became a sort of symbol of bizarre bizarre dying celebrity early on though well that's not what

we're talking about today but thank you for that no she did she was a very popular modern dancer. Like, beforehand, it was all Foxtrots and things. She was the first woman to go on stage and do expressive dancing, improvised on the stage.

Did she show a little bit of ankle? Was it that kind of era? There was a little bit of ankle, I'm sure. Give me my cock sack. Okay, so this actually is from the Sunday Express. No author just says from a Sunday Express correspondent, 1923. Isadora Duncan kicks out. Stupid, ignorant, intolerant America disgusts me,

nauseates me, and I am going back to Russia, the most enlightened nation in the world today. What year was this? Man. 1923. Was Russia the cool place to be? I don't know. That's hard to know.

I would imagine not, but I mean, I certainly am not pushing back on the America part. In 1923? Yeah, it's pretty bad. Could Russia have been the better option of the two countries in 1923? She seems to be like...

I mean, our country was, if you can imagine, falling apart by 1927, 28, 29. I heard differently. I heard it was doing all right forever. Oh, yeah. No, it's really... Things are fine and stable here don't worry about that um but yeah i i still would think you would take america over russia yeah i mean just in terms of sort of having some a nice you know yeah a nice cup of cup of you know yeah it's cold it gets

cold in russia yeah yeah a hot thing yeah yeah. A hat thing. Yeah, yeah. Something that was heated. Home of the hot. Yeah, yeah. The article goes on to say, Isadora Duncan, the interpretive dancer, has stopped her American tour and left the country of her birth

for the country of her adoption. But she had certain things to say about America before she left. So she was American then, I guess. This has got real Gerardard depardieu steven seagal vibes doesn't it it just makes us all wish you could find the ghost butter story i know you have no idea how angry you've totally failed on this i thought that drug story was incredibly dry yeah you've you've really been promised mean, it's just like... You promised so much.

You threw it away. I can't help it. I tried too hard. You buried the lead, and now you've lost the lead. Yeah. This upsets me considerably, because that story was excellent, the Butter Ghost one. Let's just think about what could have happened.

There's someone working in a pantry or kitchen, and they work with butter, and there's some kind of phantom. Perhaps it's a theatre. It's a theatre kitchen. Do they, you know, they work with butter. And there's some kind of phantom. Perhaps it's a theater. It's a theater kitchen. Do they have those? All I know is the last line would be, Boo-ter.

I was curred of it. No, curred is butter. No, it's still valid. It's a dairy product. This is applause for Gareth. Thank you. And his trademark puns out of nowhere. Thank you.

We actually had a character, Gareth, on our podcast called the pun stopper. We got so obsessed with puns. Yeah, let's brave on about that. He was like a superhero pun stopper. He would appear when the puns had gone too far. I guess he wouldn't be definitely interested in that. Keep him away from me. Yeah, it wouldn't go down well on the old dollop. Anyway, Isadora carries on. when the puns have gone too far I guess he's definitely interested in that keep him away from me yeah

it wouldn't go down well on the old dollop anyway Isadora carries on she goes on to say you feed your children on canned peas and canned art and wonder

why you are not beautiful she declared to America at large I think she stood on something quite high they don't wonder while they wonder going and walking around

wondering why they're not beautiful she's full of shit so hang on she would definitely be They don't wander, while they wander, going and walking around wondering why they're not beautiful. She's full of shit. So, hang on, she declared, She would definitely be in Steven Seagal movies. She said,

you will not let them grow up in freedom. You persecute your real artists. You put them under the heels of fat policemen, like the ones who sat on the platform at my concert

in Indianapolis. You drug their souls with matrimony. You report, you import what art you have which isn't much and when anyone tells you the truth you say they are crazy and she's so right yeah that could be that could be a description of america now almost couldn't it yeah without question yeah the last line of this article says but now she's left for russia where there is peace

of a kind suggesting i wish the last line of that article was, the ghost butter story is under the book. I can't believe I can't find the ghost butter story. Did it melt? That's what we all want to know. Was there softening? No, there was no... I've got a story about a fighting ghost, a midnight struggle with a spectre,

but that sounds like a sex act. A posh wank, even. Yeah, because a condom doesn't like a spooky ghost doesn't it when you dangle it well i mean it's certainly yeah it's there's there's some connections paul we are playing a competition here and there are petwings in the balance so i want to find one fucking good story you can't you You've failed at that. It's fine. It's like clowning. There's a lot of pressure now. I would bail. Oh, dude, I can't bail on this. But listen, your guest and myself

are begging you to bail on this now. Please. Stop, Paul. Stop, Paul. You've hit your head us. But it's good story. It won't be good enough. It would have to be the greatest old newspaper story of all time. But, mate, I've got to find it. Stop. Fascinating that he collected story of all time. But mate, I've got to find it. Stop.

Fascinating that he collected all of this stuff. Yeah, it is very... To me, this is actually an interesting item. I'm going to put my hand up. This is all on me. It's on you and you've failed. Again, you've failed. Also, you have funny glasses on. No, they're my normal reading glasses because I hit 40 like a brick wall.

Can I stop pretending that I'm not a huge Gareth fanboy, please? No, I'm the one who's pretending. I know. I am a fanboy. I love him. I'm not going to stop either of you from doing that. It's going to get double teamed, fanboy style. Yeah, let's go.

Paul, it's slowly turning away from a price is right game into you just sort of spiraling into madness about an article about a ghost and butter sounds about right yeah every week for eight years we've been doing this yeah yeah i mean really now the book is the most valuable to me because it just it's all we're talking about. It just seems very popular. Okay, good. That could get you in between. Let's go. You know what? I regret this book, my decisions, and everything

I've done today, certainly within the last hour. That's where we need you. I just need forgiveness from you directly, Gareth, if I can. I will consider it and I shall email it. once you start using emails again once yeah once i'm back on the emails which again i'm off certainly don't send that fucking rap thing near me he's uh he did promise okay so there we go four items we've got the album

the book the board game and the willmer. There are your four items. It's now... No, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask you both in turn, per item, what you think the price is, okay? Okay. But we do know there are only four prices that can be... One pound, two pound. One is one pound, one is two pound,

one is three pounds, and one is four pounds. Yes. Right. So let me just write this down. Good, good, good. But Twings, these are very valuable. We'll start with Eli, because you're the reigning champ. Okay?

Okay. So you have the Willy Warmer. What do you think of the Willy Warmer? How much do you think that is? One, two, three or four pounds? Two. Two pounds, says Mr. Silverman. Gareth, it is up to you.

What do you think the Willy Warmer is? I also think the Willy Warmer is two pounds. Oh. Astute. Yeah. Yeah. Well, next item was the terrible

board game, Dirty Habits. I'll go with Gareth this time. Gareth, what do you think the price is on this? Dirty Habits seems fantastic in every way. I am going to say that Dirty Habits is three pounds. Oh, you see

it now. I feel, because I wanted to say three pounds. You can. But then no one's going to win, because we're going to both be, you know. I don't care. We're both the smartest guy in the room. You can, I mean, you know, you can try, whatever. I'll say three as well. That's what, three popped into my head.

Wanker. We're both getting at least two betweens for those. Wanker. Right, next one is the Roland Ratt album. Eli, we'll start with you. One pound or four pound? One.

I was there when we bought it, if you remember. I have bad news. If it was the album of the cassette, my opinion would change. This cannot be more than one pound,

so we're going to say the same answers for these i think this is also one oh i love a thrilling ending to a fucking game like fucking love it well i'm on fucking tenderhooks over here wondering who's gonna win paul you shouldn't have done this you shouldn't have done that format you should have allowed our guests to just guess prices well i didn't want to overcomplicate things, did I? It's easy. A dollar is, you know, 90p or whatever. I'll pay £100 for that ghost

butter story. Did we both get four betweens there? I'm going to tell you now. I'm going to reveal the prices, okay? Here we go. The electric blanket. Gareth said £2. Eli said £2. Oh, thrilling. The price was £1!

No betweens there! That's cheap. I think it's worth every single penny of that. Are we both having a donut? Is that what's gonna happen? Who knows? I hope so. No, we've gotta get something right. We've gotta get something. Because what I really like when you have a guest on a podcast, Eli, and just see if you agree with me here, is when the energy dies towards the end

and the things that you thought would be best die on their arse. And you panic. And you overcomplicate. And then you think the points are going to be the thing. But then the points even end up being a massive deflated fart of misery. Paul, I'd go so far as to say that every single thing you thought of to do has kind of failed.

Yeah, it has. Pretty good. Thanks. Thank you, Eli. Everyone's got an off day. You're a great friend and one of the best co-hosts I've ever had. Of the only co-hosts you've ever had. That's a nice sentiment. Right, next thing. The D got an off day. You're a great friend and one of the best co-hosts I've ever had. Of the only co-hosts

you've ever had. That's a nice sentiment. Right, next thing. The Dirty Game board game. Dirty Habits board game. Gareth and Eli both said three pound again. And you were both right.

You get a between each. There you go. Congratulations, Gareth. I'm going to give you your between now, Eli. Between. Thank you. And Gareth, here's yours.

Between. Feels really good. I've got a special imaginary pouch, which I call my golden wing, under which I put my cherished between. So I'll tuck it right in. Is that like a nest? Yes. Yeah.

Or is it some kind of over-elaborate poultice you want to drop in at some point later on down the line? No poultices here. No poultices here. Poultice free zone, Gareth. Well done, Gareth. There was a story about a poultices here. No poultices here. Poultice free zone, Gareth. Well done, Gareth. There was a story about a poultice geist.

Oh, we're going to have to nick that. I've got my pen, mate. I can write this down as we go. There's been a lot of poultice chat over the years on this podcast, but never a poultice geist. And some would argue too much. Some would argue too much.

Yeah, I've never heard it, but yeah, too much already. You've missed nothing, Gareth. Like every fucking week on this podcast. Right, next item. Rolling Rat. You both said one pound, and you were both wrong. It was two pounds.

Two pounds, yeah. The last item, the Man Bites Man book was four pounds. Got another between there. The most expensive item on the list, but you both get a single between, and on a good day, that's nothing to be ashamed of. That's good. Congratulations, Gareth.

Two betwings, nice score. Thank you, and to you as well, Eli. Thank you. Well, I hope you found this a rewarding game. I hope you learned a little something as well. I hope you can take away something special. It's been rewarding. I've learned nothing, but it's been rewarding.

Oh, no, ideally you should come away with less. I actually believe right now the betwing is valued higher than the pound. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's been rewarding. Oh, no. Ideally, you should come away with less. I actually believe right now the patwing is valued higher than the pound. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's about double. Right. So, Gareth, thank you very much for joining us. Please tell everyone about everything,

about who you are, where you're going to be. Tell us everything. Confess. Well, I'm not going to tell you anything specifically, but I will be in the United Kingdom, your lovely area uh doing some shows from september 13th through the 24th um i might be uh not doing my show in birmingham or cardiff i'm not sure yet um but i will be in Manchester, in Dublin, in London, in Bristol.

And you can go to Gareth Reynolds dot com to go see me. And I have a new podcast out with my friend Jake Johnson called We're Here to Help. And you can listen to that wherever you listen to podcasts. And like you said, I have another podcast called The Dollop and the Past Lives. So go check those out. And how are those two going? Are they going all right? Yeah, they're great. Yeah, they're, you know, three podcasts is a lot.

But yeah. How do you get on with your co-host? Do you get on well? Is it like a kind of loving relationship? I mean, I'm guessing it's a lot healthier. Yeah. I mean, is it a healthy thing? Oh, yeah.

Well, during this show, Dave texted me a picture of his dog's asshole. So let's just say it's basically that kind of connection. Yeah, it's probably what most people would think. But it is a very good friendship. And yeah, Dave's a great man. Yeah, I envy it. I really do. It's inspirational.

Where are you going? Sit down. We're done. We're done here. No, we're not. Sit down. Sit down. We're not done here.

Is that everything? Are we all done? Are we all not you sit down sit down we're not done here is that everything are we all done are we all good yeah follow me on social media I'll keep going I can promote a lot of stuff yeah go for it

what have you got come on promote everything you've ever done at Reynolds Gareth on social media my cat has an Instagram Jose from the dollop let's party

well in that case then it is time to say goodbye and goodnight you've been a wonderful wonderful generous amusing witty astute guest on the show one of our best i'm gonna say i'm gonna say one of our best indefatigably beautiful thank you for being on the show gareth well uh it is an absolute pleasure um i i do have a lot of podcasts but I will say this is the best experience I've had in podcasting by far. Eli, it was good to chat with you and play against you. But Paul, I mean, you bring the heat.

You are a podcast. You know what I call you? A Godcaster. Because you are essentially God doing a show. So I just, please keep in touch. Please call me. And when I'm in the UK, I would love to take you out for lunch, buy you whatever you want. And let's really take advantage of that time and hang out a lot.

Because I see this go in the distance. And I just, I love you, brother. I love I just I love you brother, I love you I love you man, I really do I care about you let's just, let's do this do this do this do this

do it Paul, wake up Paul, wake up you've been asleep for almost an hour. Have I? Yeah, I went in the other room, I had a cup of tea. I told you you were tired. I have a lovely dream, Eli.

Was it another one about putting the 3D camera up your arse and then seeing ghosts literally living in your arse? They looked like the Scream mask. Wasn't that. Were they all rotating around you? What's one of those things with the horses? A merry-go-round. No, like an early movie camera thing.

Zootrope. Zeotrope. Zootrope. Like a zoetrope up your bum. No, it was not that at all. It wasn't that dream. No, I had a dream. Because I've been taking down your dreams.

I'm doing your dream, Daniel. You're doing my dream, Daniel. Dream journal. Who your dream Daniel you're doing my dream Daniel dream who's dream Daniel dream dream Daniel's dream journal

journal dream Daniel's dream journal I had a dream that Gareth Reynolds was on our podcast oh that didn't go very well

for me what in your dream a lot of the things I planned didn't go very well yeah none of the stories from the book worked did they yeah do you know it was in my dream.

I have abilities you aren't aware of. Oh, dear. I've set up a makeshift dream reader and projector device. Oh, that's quite the technology. That's how I know what the ghosts up your arse look like in the 3D camera, when you put it up your bum. Why? In my dream, not in real life.

What was the motivation in the dream to put the camera up your bum? There wasn't any. Was it a sexual motivation? It just happened. Was it like, oh, what? Oh, I'm bald. It's like I didn't know. What can I shove up my ass?

No, it's just kind of... I would like to see the inside of my ass. It just happened to me. Oh, you sat on it by mistake? No, I was like... Oh, I'm seeing ghosts. What's this on the readout? In the dream, the camera on a tripod stick

Kind of just floats in the space And then kind of gravitationally Gets pulled in And then I saw on the telly The ghosts in my arsehole How did you know it was in your arsehole? Because that's just one of these In the dream

It was like a third person I could see it rotating Yeah you were in the god view Yeah I was In the god view of you Watching footage from inside your bum Can we move on from that, please? Well, do you want to?

Because you're going to wake up. We have to do the podcast now. What, we do? Yeah. Have we got anything for this week? Oh, well, you've got your dream recorder. Maybe we can download it and put it in the episode. Yeah, because it takes a little data card.

A little data card. So I'll just put it in. Let's just use my dream then. We'll put the dream projected recording of... It's far too complicated. No, it's fine. That was this week's episode, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show.

I've been Paul Gannon. And I've been Eli Silverman. And for everything under the sun for Cheap Show, social media, videos, episode guides, all that stuff, it's on thecheapshow.co.uk. And look, a lot of lovely people support us on Patreon, so we'd like to thank them. Thank you very much for supporting us on Patreon.

And if you'd like to do the same and get access to extra podcasts and videos and magazines, then you can. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, but only if you can. And tickets to our live show in November on our website at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival. And that's kind of it in a nutshell.

What? Have you gone to sleep again? No. I'm the Blibble Blobble Man. Ooh, on the purple cloud. Don't mind the danglies. Ooh, the queen's danglies. Ooh, almonds.

Ooh. I think you've gone to sleep again, Paul. Ooh, the cloud. The cloud it races. Dingle dangles! The cloud! I never played cards again.

No, I'm just going to let this carry on. Go on. I never played on that table again. In the cupboard. The cloud! See you next week, ladies and gentlemen. I think you've gone to sleep again! See you next week, gentlemen and ladies. Bye, everyone. See you next week ladies and gentlemen Paul I think you've gone to sleep again see you next week gentlemen and ladies

bye everyone see you next week for another episode of Cheap Show and it's our big 350 next week the wedding of the year please join us

for the wedding of Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim it's going to be a beautiful occasion for everyone Paul you just went back to sleep

for a few minutes shut up with it shut up Paul, you just went back to sleep for a few minutes. Shut up with it!