CheapShow - Ep 35: The House of Pickles 1

Episode Date: February 14, 2017

Welcome to the House of Pickles! Paul and Eli introduce a new series of "mini episodes" to help tide you over until you get the full fat editions. The cheap chaps talk about anything and everything, not necessarily based on their usual themes. In this first HoP, Paul & Eli are inspired by the legend of "Action Park" to talk about what a theme park based on their lives would be like, Paul talks about his varied accidents as a child and Eli is excited to find a vinyl record featuring a singing dragon. If you have any topics you would like us to cover in future HoP's email us at [e-mail] Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Just go to Action Park, there's no other park like it. When it's hot out, this is a great place to spend the day with your family. There's lots of big things for little kids to do. I love Action Park because it's so beautiful. Just like coming to Broadway, it's wonderful. Race like a pro. It's great. These are the most amazing rides in the world. I love it here. There's nothing in the world like Action Park! Thank you. Is this just footage of Action Park then now?

There's no adverts anymore. I think so. Why are you recording now? Oh, it's nine minutes. Action Park 80s live action and cannonball loop. Is it a collection? I want to watch the loop. Do you?

Yeah. This is a cheap show mini. Oh, no. We're doing a minute. Yeah. No. Yeah, we're doing the mini now I'm going to have to leave You're not going anywhere

Press pause, just spacebar We were watching Action Park videos Oh god What do you mean you've got to leave? Where are you going? I'm going to get some take out Oh right, okay, fair enough then Because your gig got cancelled What do you mean you've got to leave? Where are you going? I'm going to get some takeout.

Oh, right. Okay, fair enough then. Yeah. Because your gig got cancelled. My gig got cancelled. Wait, what? You've got your noodles. Those are for a backup, you know.

Oh, okay. Emergency noodles. They're for the larder. They're for the larder. For the larder. The House of Pickles larder. Yeah. Which is the House of Pickles. Indeed.

Especially, it's a pickle larder. Yes. Which is the House of Pickles. Indeed. Especially, it's a pickle larder. Eli Silverman. If Eli Silverman had a theme park, it was Eli Park, Eli World, what would be the attractions in Eli World? The rides, the shows, the shops maybe. You could have noodles. You could have a noodle restaurant. A noodle restaurant.

Would you come up with a noodle-based ride? No. Not like a rollercoaster that you could call the noodle. No. I wouldn't have a rollercoaster. Not in your theme park? They're shit. No, they're not?

Don't do it. Rollercoasters are the best thing. I would have. Are you scared of them? No. No, no. I'm not, actually. You're really cocky about that reply. I'm not scared of them. See, this. I'm not, actually. You're really cocky about that reply.

I'm not scared of them. See, this is typical of you, Paul. Why? It's like, here is a kind of lame improvisation for you to do. Just think of it off the top of your head. And I'm tired, right? I'm hungover. I'm tired.

And I can't think of anything. So you're not even going to attempt right now? I can't think of a fucking ride. Yeah, call it the noodle. Call it fucking... And I'll have a roundabout, right? I'll have a roundabout, and, oh, you know what you could have?

Go on. Those picnic tables. Great. Those picnic tables with the hole for the umbrella and then you can put a sauce pot in there yeah yeah a little yeah so that's one thing god you unimaginative no you could have cheese sauce in there as well like mom mom i want to go to eli dipping tables for the dipping tables mom i want to do the dipping tables that's what she'd say i would be so disappointed my child it was like i want to go to the dipping tables, mum. I want to do the dipping tables. That's what she'd say. I would be so disappointed in my child.

It was like, I want to go to the dipping tables, mother. Yeah. That's so sad. I'm going to go to the noodle restaurant and dip my noodle in a pot, in a recess, in a table. Mummy, mummy, mummy, can I ride the noodle? What else could there be?

Like a record shop? What are you so... That's not in a theme park. You wouldn't want a fucking record shop. Would you? But you'd have to have something to reflect. Maybe you'd have a bar that you could play music at and you would turn up.

What about... No. This is not... There's no longer a theme park. It's just a pub where I'm DJing in a wood. But you're paying yourself to be there and it's excluding people who come to see you.

So I DJ in a wooden shack. No, no one said it's a wooden shack. Yeah, listen, I'm getting a vision now. So it's a wooden shack. There's like just plain benches and there's... girls only. Come on, you're asking me

to have a fantasy man you're that is so sad that your fantasy is women in a shack it's not

it's not my fantasy sitting on benches as you play music at them and yet you will still not do it I don't I have no idea

what I'd want in a theme park you know I like roller coasters. What about an Eli Silverman ghost train where it's like it's a little train that goes through all your existential nightmares so it turns a corner and there's your bank statement. It's like, oh.

It's not funny. It's just a low blow. It's cheap and low. That's just a low blow it's cheap and low that's just a cheap little cheap gag that's like like you turn another corner to computer monitor and it's like

your blood pressure and expected life expectancy oh fuck off fuck off what about Paul at Paul Gannon theme park

yeah here's the eating plastic cafe yeah come and chew on plastic and bits of

shredded magazine in our pika cafe pika nice pika cafe yeah it's nice and er

and er there'd be a Greggs wouldn't there yeah there'd be a fucking Greggs that'd be spotless. There'd be a Greg's.

Oh, what about this? Do you like this? It's a special Greg's. It does breakfast all day, so you won't miss it. I'd love that. Yeah, I know. So, there, we've got the catering sorted

in your theme park. I thought we'd finish... Haven't we finished yours, then? We've finished with mine. Yeah? The ghost park is on the way out. Yeah, we could do, on your theme park, have one of those drop rides, you know, where you're sitting on a circle and then it fires you up to the end and there's a massive drop. Yeah. The ghost park is on the way out. Yeah, we could go on your theme park, have one of those drop rides,

you know where you're sitting on a circle and then it fires you up to the end and there's a massive drop. Yeah. We can call that the Eli's career. Because it goes down quickly. Shut up. Shut up.

There could be a fucking, a roller coaster at your theme park called the cunt. The mean cunt yeah and it's joyless it's just like a fucking it's just a line it doesn't do anything there's no highs no lows are you okay, Jesus? I can't breathe. For fuck's sake.

Yeah, good, good fucking... Good suggestion there, Paul, yeah. So, come on. I thought we were going to do something else with these Minisodes. Minisode? Is that good? I thought we'd just do kind of impromptu banter. Okay. And I thought, wouldn't it be good,

because we were just watching that advert for the Action Park in America. That was lethal. Yes. It reminds me of the one in Hampstead Heath, the Action, what do they call them? Adventure Playgrounds. You never hear that term these days, do you? They were big in the 90s, maybe late 80s, mid 90s.

They were 70s, I think. Really? Yeah. The one in Hampstead was like all wooden. That's still there, though, isn't it? And all lethal. No. They had these huge, literally sort of 110 foot high, I'd say, planks with a rope hanging

off of it. And then another huge platform and then swinging. And these kids would get up on top and be walking on all of it no matting just lethal and rotting

like the wood and graffiti covered and this sort of bike run fucking hell it was really really bad you ever play in it?

I've absolutely loved it there you know because you just watch the older kids have a go at a swing and yeah but again it really reminds me absolutely loved it there. Yeah. You know, because you just watch the, watch the older kids. Have a go at a swing and yeah.

But again, it really reminds me that kind of vibe of Action Park reminds me of that vibe of that, yeah,

of the adventure playground that was just like, there was just not as much attention paid to sort of safety in that way at all. No. It was a lot less litigious,

the whole society, I guess, and the bare minimum was done for safety. Yeah. There was a lot less litigious, the whole society, I guess. And the bare minimum was done for safety. Yeah. There was foam padding. For really the bare minimum, there was nothing

in those parks, man. No. They were really lethal. Really lethal. If you messed up, you could break a bone, you know what I mean? Just on a swing.

Easily. Easily. And they had that danger. Yeah. And the bad boys were always there. You like the bad boys. Oh, right. So now I'm gay. I didn't say that. We're doing the gay thing. No, bad boys were always there. You like the bad boys. All right, so now I'm gay.

I didn't say that. We're doing the gay thing, aren't we? No, I didn't say that. I'm trying to have a reminiscence, you know? Yeah. It smelled. There was a funny smell. Of bad boys.

No, like, stuff this. Of, like, socks. I don't know. Mucky socks. That went. Of don't know. Mucky socks. That went, of course that went. Now you've got like, those exercise things in parks, don't you?

Oh yeah, that's kind of depressing, isn't it? It's like, there's no joy there. Well, they have kiddie parts and they give them fancy climbing flames and zip lines and things, so it's all good. Yeah, it's not, honestly, it's a whole world of adventure that no child growing up today will ever experience.

That sounds dodgy. Yeah, it was. But that's it. It was that liminal space. It was that sort of, you know... We're barely supervised when we get away with murder. It's on the edge, sort of in between. And teenagers would go there, sort of hang out.

Maybe get off with each other. Maybe get off with each other. Get your fingers in. Well, that was what I did at boarding school but there was no playground there was just the finger in

in the middle of your school yard no there was no yard where did you play all in the fields wow all in the fields man Enid Brighton could have

written that sentence for you, though. We had yummy, fizzy pop. Oh, God, are you getting all frothy and fizzy now? No, I'm not saying anything. Fizzy, frothy. It's been brought to my attention. I mention frothing cocks too much on the podcast. You fucking do.

Who brought that to your attention? Everyone. A couple of people on Twitter, yeah. What? They literally like, it puts me off. I love Eli. Eli's great. It's brilliant when he speaks. When you speak, we don literally like it puts me off I love Eli Eli's great it's brilliant when he speaks

when you speak we don't like it especially when you say anything about a frothing cock well I'm not talking about a frothing cock today am I am I

I brought it up you brought it up and I've done my very best to keep it at bay what are we talking about we were talking about adventure playgrounds.

Yeah. Well, we didn't really have an adventure playground growing up where I lived. It was quite poor. There was a field and we could play football on it and that was about it. The closest we had was there was a Cadbury's factory not too far away from where I lived growing up. You'd go and just smell the chocolate. On the way into school, you could smell the chocolate.

You can smell the choccy. What the fuck is that accent? It's a scouse. Smell the choccy. Why does it sound like you lived in a magical kingdom? Because you did. You did? You did live in a kingdom. It was magical. Try doing the bass scouse there.

All right, mate. All right, mate. I live in a magical kingdom. That's Welsh, mate. I know what that is. Oh, hello there.

Oh, God, have you started with the accent? I didn't want to get into that. I didn't want to get into that.

Right, so, you used to just go on the top of a hill and smell chocolate and go, great,

we had a great day. We had a great day. And then you go lick some gravel. We had a thing

called, what do you mean lick gravel? Smell chocolate and lick gravel. That'd be good. No, it wouldn't. It'd make licking the gravel a bit more pleasant.

Anyway, they made fingers there. And biscuit side of Cadbury's brands. Oh, that's the biscuit... Specifically, you knew that? Yeah. It wasn't like the main chocolate... It was known. Because that was Bourneville, wasn't it?

Yeah, okay. So Bourneville is in a different part of the country, isn't it? Yeah, and we all just had the biscuit. Bourneville had that temperance village. You know, Cadbury's was into that. It was anti-boos. Yeah, and it was also part of what people did anyway. There's a place in Wirral called Port Sunlight,

which was a village built around the factory where people worked. Again, similar, like a temperance. Yeah, sort of. Because it was a popular soap back in the 40s and 50s. What was? Port Sunlight soap. Does that even exist anymore? I don't know.

Nor care. So, what? like soap does that even exist anymore i don't know nor care so um so you what what did you do with the cabri's chocolate there was a forest near the factory right and we because the factory had a fence that went halfway through the forest so you could go into the forest and then there was a fence and on the other side of the fence there was more forest than the factory okay so we would the fence was there yeah so we would dig a little hole in that forest and then make a little run a little wiggly tunnel run that meant we could go into the factory yeah and then climb out and there's a big tree that we all hang from and what did you do that was our little play area right that's where we went to to hang out and talk

and then one day the big tree is this going to be some shit joke at the end of this no it's a story that happened there's the big tree loads of branches and we climb it quite high

and then I was dared who could climb the highest and I was like I'll climb the highest yeah never a good dare to take and it was me and three mates

and I can't remember their names right now but it doesn't matter because they're all dead to me anyway following the events of this story oh really

so four of us there I'll climb the tree, I'm watching them from the ground as they're going, yeah, higher, higher there. They're watching you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm climbing a tree. So there's no challenge, you're just saying, I'm going to go really high.

Yeah, on this tree. They're not saying, oh, I got this high, you have to go higher. There's no competition aspect. No, it was... Just like a dare. Just go, how's like a dare. How high can you go? Yeah.

And I got really high to the point where I was at the top of all the trees and I could see everything. It was kind of really cool. And then my mates were like, right, you've got to come down now. And that's when I literally lost everything. And I panicked. I had a panic attack. And I didn't know how to climb down. And I tried to stretch my body down from that branch,

and my left foot was dangling, reaching for something, and there was nothing there. I was like, how did I climb up here? And then my hand gave way, and I fell. Fell out of a tree. Fell down a tree. Now it's getting better. Now it's getting better.

I'm liking this. There's an action aspect. And as I'm falling from the tree, I'm thinking I'm going to break every bone in my body when I hit the ground. You hit a lot of branches. I could also hear my mates go from hooray to to ahhh!

They started screaming. And then I realised something after a few seconds. I hadn't hit the ground yet. And it was because this big branch was hanging out the tree. And as I fell, as I fell, it grabbed my jumper. And the branch dug into my back and scratched it all the way up leaving me hanging from my jumper yeah ass way down the tree you

could get hung and at that point i noticed my three mates running away and i was hanging in that tree for 90 minutes alone this is getting so much better really crying and who came to save you in the end one of the dads came well at least they told their dads i think so because i think what happened is where's paul you're playing with a minute ago oh he's in the woods what's he doing in the woods he's by himself like i'm from you know what what I mean at some point the truth came out yeah he's dead so they just panicked and so

yeah and by that time I was cold and dangling and there was blood running down my back that's quite quite traumatic

were you taken to hospital no it turned out the scar on my back wasn't that big right but yeah okay so it wasn't

that serious wow so there you go. That's my, oh, then one time I thought I was a stuntman, jumped off a pile of trash

and then a couch landed on my leg and broke it. What? And I had to drag myself home on my skateboard, belly down, scuttling like a salamander home.

Ah, so you broke your leg. Yeah. That was the same year I went to Butlins and watched Rocky IV in the cinema in Butlins

that is a very poor movie that's the Russian one isn't it yeah it's just one great big montage most like the

whole of the third act it's like a training montage what do people love about Rocky the training montage and also the other

thing about that film is when the Russians start rooting for Rocky because they all decide their guys's a cunt. Yeah. That happened. Stupid.

I want to make a film for Russia and America. I want to make a film for Russia and America. I like that. It's a good impression. Let me call Rocky Fowl. Rocky Fowl. Yeah. So.

In America. I want to. Adrian. I want to make a commendable. Rocky Fowl yeah so in America who are you I once Adrian I'm not making commendables you're gonna be in it you're gonna be in it Adrian's not gonna be in it

you're gonna be in it she didn't do much else did she I don't know about her career to be honest at all no

she's good in Rocky apparently it's been a while since I've seen any of the Rockies I haven't watched Creed yet I've watched any of the Rockies I haven't watched Creed yet I've watched Creed

everyone loves it but I don't know it's good stop stop that what just stop it can we stop

I mean this is a small episode now is there anything else you want to know about like you know the House of Pickles alright tell us one direct

this is what this this it's going to be called isn't it the mini episode to know about the House of Pickles? Alright, tell us one interesting... Direct... This is what this... It's going to be called, isn't it? The mini-episodes direct from the House of Pickles. Yeah.

That's what we'll call these mini-episodes now. From the House of Pickles. Is there anything you'd like to know? Give me one interesting fact about your

House of Pickles which I might not know. Have we told them what the House of Pickles is? It's just my bedroom. It's my bedroom is the House of Pickles. All right, go for it. Well, the House of Pickles also houses...

Hoses. Women down. No. That was a strange sound. The House of Pickles houses my collection of novelty vinyls. I knew that. Recently I picked up, what's it called, Barry the Dragon. No.

What? Barry the Dragon. I can't find it, but it's going to come up on an episode. It's a children's thing. It was for the Children's Film Fund. Do you remember the Children's Film Fund? Very vaguely. It was like a film club.

And they made features and kids had to sing along and they went to the cinema on Sunday mornings to wait for the parents to get rid of the kids. But they also, the Children's Film Fund

had this club and they also produced films with those really low budget sort of kids. And they always starred Greg Kinnear or whatever his name is, that actor.

I don't know who Greg, what? He's a British actor. He's always in a lot of comedy films. I want to say Greg Kinnear, or whatever his name is, that actor. I don't know who Greg... He's a British actor. He's always in a lot of comedy films. I want to say Greg Kinnear. I know someone's listening to this going, It's the Kinnear! Anyway. It's called Barry the Dragon, or is it, Larry?

No, I'm pretty sure it's Kinnear. No, the dragon. Oh. I'm Barry the Dragon. And just like that. It goes... Like that in the song it's really good you should find it online stick it in here all right i'll have a look for it and if i find it i'll put it in here

well now daddy uh dragon what do you do do you recite no do you sing yeah no you what do you do? Do you recite? No, no. Do you sing? Yes, yes. Oh, you sing, do you? Well, now, Daddy Dragon will oblige us with a song from his repertoire. Yes. What does he think he's up to? I do believe he's enjoying it. One, two, three.

I do believe he's enjoying it. One, two, three. I'm Danny the Dragon. Yes, Danny's my name. I may look alarming, but I'm not to blame. For being a dragon just isn't a joke. When you're on a diet of best coal and coke I'm Daffy the Dragon The biggest bragging dragon in the universe

Groopa, creepa, bottle bed Up in Dragonara, I'm in the top ten. Whenever it's winter or if there's a storm, well, I find it easy to keep it nice and warm. Or others may splutter or stutter or cough, but my central heating will never switch off. I'm Danny the Dragon. The Pink and Franken-Dragon in the universe.

Creeper, creeper, foggle that. Where did I put my thermostat? We dragons drink flagons of petrol and oil And when we're excited, we just start to boil So don't make me angry, I'll burst into flames For Danny Caffarelli Thermidor is my name Mr. Danny Caffare. Hermidor's my name. Say it! Mr. Danny Caporelli.

Hermidor. That's my name. I love that name. I'm Danny the Dragon. Come on, kids. The biggest dragon, dragon in the universe. Yep, I'm a dragon. My tail's a dragon.

I'm Danny the Dragon. Take it Yep, I'm a dragon My tail's a dragon I'm Danny the Dragon Take it away, baby I'm Danny the Dragon In the universe I haven't heard it yet So I don't know if it was any good But yes it was good It's good What a lovely clip

So that was Live from the House of Pickles Our impromptu Now I want you to do it more like You know Live Okay Live from the House of Pickles

Here it is Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon saying Good night Good night Or good morning Whenever Good afternoon Happy time of the time

Good day And Sleep tight But not too tight Guess my meaning No, shut up You think people are going to go for the House of Pickles? We'll find out

You're going to put that out? Yeah