CheapShow - Ep 350: The Wedding Of Squishy Jim & Madam Ladyplops

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

Mr Paul Gannon & Mr Eli Silverman request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of Squishy Jim and Madam Ladyplops! St Chodney’s Church Friday September 15th 2023 1pm Followed by a reception. Please bring your own booze. Please! It’s the wedding of the year, so dress nicely and lend us your ears to help celebrate Episode 350! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-350-the-big-wedding WATCH @Noiselund 's new music video for Top Notch Western Romance on YOUTUBE NOW! https://youtu.be/7NAqd5WGA-0?si=lycJW2ljeLa9A0qB And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter (we’re not calling it X) @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow NEW ART: Get hold of Spunk.Rock’s exclusive new CheapShow Artwork: https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/CHEAPSHOW-EST-2016-by-spunkrock/115961855.WFLAH.XYZ www.instagram.com/spunk__rock Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, my name is Paul Gannon. And it's Eli Silverman here, Paul. I'm very excited to be here with you. I'm very excited too. This is possibly the biggest day in Cheap Show history. It's an extremely exciting moment in all of our shared histories, and it's a unification of the whole of the Cheap Show family. Here we are. It's been a rough couple of months for Cheap Show. It's been a difficult year.

But we're celebrating today the wedding of two of our most beloved characters, Eli. It's Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim. They're tying the knot. They are. They've been lovers forever. Forever. And this is the ultimate commitment vow

that they're committing today. They are going to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and long may their lives continue. And, Paul, if I may, just drop the formality for a second here. Long may the squishing in of the shits. Long may it squish. Long may it squish into little grates on the floor to be washed away by small jets of water.

Here we are outside this magnificent church. It's a lovely day. We're standing outside St Chodney's Church. Let me just explain the name fully, if I may. If you may, yes, please do. St Chodney of the Borough, knee Chadney. Lovely little wold. It is dedicated, Chodney, St Chodney's.

It's the church of St Borough. Yes. Just to be clear on that, St Borough, Chadney, Chadney Borough, Chadney. So here we are. Come and join us on this very special day. Episode 350 is Cheap Show's wedding of the year. Come along. ¶¶ It's a glorious day. What a lovely day. Eli, tell us a little bit more about the church itself.

It's quite an interesting place, isn't it? It was consecrated in 1850 to the lesser-known Saint Boroff. Boroff was the patron saint of brine, so very associated with pickles, chutneys and preservatives, which of course, this whole area is awash with chutney. Glorious day, what a beautiful day. It's awash with chutney, and the church was built for Saint Boroff, and that is why you see these special details.

You don't see in many churches around here, but above the main entrance, For St Boroth, and that is why you see these special details. You don't see in many churches around here. Above the main entrance, you have the image of St Boroth himself. Yes. And he is preparing a brine, a pickle for brine. It is officially a portrait in stone of the saint, known locally as the Spoff of Goblin. The Spoff of Goblin.

It's everywhere. I understand that. You go, meet me up by the Spoff of Goblin, you'd say something like that. Yes, and then... I've gone for a goblin, downstairs goblin, under the Spoff of Goblin. That's what you'd say,

something like that, Paul. You've lost your mind. No, it's a great, very appropriate church for this wedding, and they have a great sleuth system for all the inevitable faecal celebrations, let's say, that's going to go on during this wedding.

Bring your nose plug. You've added nothing. So, we're just here now, outside the church, and people are beginning to come in now. They're coming from all over the Britain. Paul, make sure you look just oh yes no it's a warm day today but uh me and eli are in our nice suits top button it's all i mean it ties a little bit too you got your pocket meat i've got my pocket meat yeah i've got pocket i didn't bring ham i brought turkey i've got pocket

beef is turkey all right turkey is a lesser meat... I've got parma ham in this one. In the palm of your hand? No, I've got parma ham. Now I've got it in the palm of my hand. Parma my ham. Parma my ham. Parma my ham. I don't think we can do this anymore.

Parma my ham. Parma my ham. Okay, put it away. The guests are arriving. Parma my ham. Yes, put the parma... Oh, God, it's got quite a powerful, quite a suggestive, suggestive smell. Okay, put it away. The guests are arriving. Parma Mahal. Yes, put the parma... Oh, God, it's got quite a powerful, quite a suggestive smell, hasn't it?

I know, it's all this hot pocket meat. Perhaps we shouldn't have gone for the pocket meat. You know what it is, Paul? I don't think we should touch the buffet in the reception because we know who's involved. Anyway, look, people are coming in now. Look, who's this coming in at the moment? There's Teen Yeti.

Ah, there he is. He's coming in his limo. Oh, look at those amazing clothes. The expensive sneakers. I mean, he looks streetwise and yet respectful for a wedding. It's like a half hybrid sort of tracksuit tuxedo that he's gone for there. It's like Max by Graves meets Kid Rock.

It's such a beautiful, potent image. There he is. Yes, he's just entering the church now. We're standing outside. It's a a beautiful, potent image, that. There he is. Yes, he's just entering the church now. We're standing outside. It's a lovely day, glorious day here. We're standing outside.

And we are standing outside. We're right under the Spoffoff Goblin. Yes, well, I've touched it already. For luck, that's another local tradition. You have to jump up

and touch it, but if you touch it... You have to touch the pickle on the Spoffoff Goblin and then you'll... Wonders await. You'll have luck for half a year

half a year about six months five to six months they mean specific down there down there luck what kind of looks that well you go off

like a rock sorry oh look haven't seen him in a while Freddy Goon there marching up Freddy Goon very imposing figure

very imposing figure but again looking stern I think he thinks he's the bouncer for the church tonight and I don't think we're going to need that kind of security, are we? Once you're in security,

and I think he was in the Special Forces as well, in the States as well. Freddie, just go sit down. Don't talk to him. You don't need to stand up. Paul, don't talk to him. Go in. He's going in. I think he's a bit confused. I think he seemed to have a problem with you. Why?

I saw him hardening in the downstairs area. That's good though. I want that, don't you? You don't want that from Freddie Goon. You do. An erect Goon is a happy Goon. It's a happy Goon but it's an unhappy Paul when he thwacks you. Oh dear. Oh look! It's Captain Blue Balls as well.

He's taking time off the sea. Hello, Captain. There he is with his little... Arr, there, give that boys a war. Have you seen my swellums? Have you seen his swellums, Eli? Just... Have you seen my swellums?

Oh, arr. They're bluer than a chubby brown set. Ooh. Yeah, now go sit down, mate. And none of those pirate jokes are hitting for me. That's rich coming from you. Hello, Captain. You've disappointed me now.

Wonderful day, Captain. Yeah, it's not bad. He's gone into the church now. Who do you see, Eli? Oh, look. There's a very flamboyantly dressed character. Oh, who's that? It's Adolf Manson, look. It's a very flamboyantly dressed character. Oh, who's that? It's Adolf Manson, Paul.

Adolf Manson? He's very flamboyant. He's got a kind of Dracula thing going on almost today. It's a leather Dracula look, I'd call it. It's kind of cool. It's kind of strappy. It's kind of sexy, isn't it? I mean, he's very... It's like Wild West meets Hellraiser. Oh, it's nice. Oh, you're sexy man

Don't do don't talk to them. I talk to them Look behind him. Who's that? It's a pre-cum John Yeah, you do come over here talk to the mics. Oh, how you doing? Oh, you know, not too bad business goods Yes, the records from the hangover from the other night. have you? From the stag. I put away a lot. Yeah, you did. I actually made some good contacts on the old sprinkle train. All right, good, good, good. So you got something out of it then?

Always looking to expand the business. Yeah. Because I've got several different monikers in different markets. Have you? Yeah. Yeah, there's Precum, John. Yeah, obviously. Who's the parent structure-cum, John. Yeah, obviously. Who's the parent?

Parent company, yeah. Yeah, and then you've got Leaky Ken, of course. Leaky Ken, obviously. That's a heritage brand now. Right, okay. Leaky Ken. It's for the old codgers. They're still like a bit sprinkled.

Just using the old name. Familiar. Flicky sprinkle bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that. They like it the old way. Can I ask a question? Yes, of course.

Is there a post-cum, John? Post-cum, John. Yeah. Post-cum, John. Post-cum, John. Is there a post-cum, John? Wellcum John? Yeah. Post-cum John. Post-cum John. Is there a post-cum John? Well... A clean-up artist?

Someone who comes in and... We only know... We're doing the... It's only the leaky, the pre, the initial. Granny Sprinkles. So there's no squeegee John or anything like that? It's a gender balance business, because Granny Sprinkles... That's true.

Granny Sprinkles. Another one of our... She's already sat down, by the way. I saw her earlier. That's not Granny Sprinkles. Yes, it is. No, that sat down, by the way. I saw her earlier. That's not Granny Sprinkles. Yes, it is. No, that's an imposter. Well, then I got a sprinkle offer.

I have to tell you. Not this. Oh, that's good quality work, that. That's Granny Sprinkles. No. Sniff it again. Sit down. I'm bored of this.

I'm actually now... Eli, I'm bored of this. Move on Granny Sprinkles is an invention, it's just a brand That's not Granny Sprinkles I've got to go, boys, anyway I've got to take my seat, boys I've got to go, boys

Fuck off Who else? Paul, who else? Everyone's coming in now Look, there's John Cunneyhole Oh, John Cunneyhole. I thought he was dead. John Cunningholt's there. Oh, the little urchin.

The little urchin boy's come. Yeah, he's come with Queef Huffer. Queef Huffer? It can't be Queef Huffer, though. Yeah, Queef Huffer's come with Punt Catcher. Well, who's inhabiting Queef Huffer? Punt Catcher. Punt Stopper.

Punt Stopper and Queef Huffer have come together. And they're in their full regalia. Yeah, they look fantastic. Queef Huffer with his belt. And they're in their full regalia. Yeah, they look fantastic. Queef Huffer with his belt of many queefs there. Yes. Because do you know what? It's actually law. It's written the law of the land around here.

Yes. Queef Huffer has to have his full range of magic queefs available to him on his utility belt. The bag of many queefs. The belt of many queefs, Paul. He has to have that. I close my eyes, drew back my queef

curtain, to see for certain any queef will do. Paul, we need to, look, they're coming in now. Bring back my golden coat. Sorry, I was getting off the merriment. I think the entertainment are arriving,

but these two are too important to not actually come to the ceremony. No. Dutch DJs there. Yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh. Yeah, they've gone in. They've gone in to sit down. They're all coming in. There's Carol coming in now along with her.

Oh, Uncle Grumbly. Uncle Grumbly. This is what I mean. If he's anywhere near the food, we're going to need this pocket meat. We're not going to touch the food. I have seen him round by the fucking... You've got the palm of hand in your palm of hand. I saw him with a ladle in the port-a-potty round the back of the church.

Already. He's been at it. It's his old business. Yeah. Fucking every food source he must just fill with crap. And now he just goes around. Every time you tell him off, he just says, waste not, want not. You know what I mean?

It's like, that's his excuse for everything. It's disgusting. What a filthy, filthy individual he is. Oh, look. Look, there's Jimmy and Brandoff. Hey! Jimmy! Brandoff!

Ruff, ruff. All right, boys. Ruff, ruff. Beautiful day. Ruff. Yeah. How you doing, boys? It's me, Jimmy B.

And how are you? Oh, I'm all right, Jimmy. Yeah, we're all right. Yeah, not too bad. Yeah, it's good to see you here after, you know, saving the skins of everyone, so to speak. I think you've really been raised up.

Yeah, we're like local heroes now. Ruff, Ruff, it's the least I could do. You don't know how sexy that AI is getting. Yeah, no, it was very impressive. We're all still surprised it worked. I've got a 3D printer hooked up to the AI. He prints it out. He prints it all. I've got a 3D printer hooked up to the AI. He prints it out. He prints it all out.

It's a 3D printer that works in liquid, Ruff Ruff. Yeah, he doesn't need meat no more. He's got 3D printed piss. I just need you to do the guttering, Jimmy. What does a roundabout need guttering for? For all of the 3D artificial AI assisted piss I drink and

bathe in, Ruff Ruff. This is out of my remit, out of my remiture. Anyway, guys, I think we're holding up. We're kind of getting in the way here, so... Ruff, ruff, okay. Come on, Jimmy. We're missing out. Jimmy, take our seats. Charity Shock Vampire's just got in with Grumpy Sessions.

They've just taken a seat now. That's all good. Who else is here? Oh, good. Oh, there's Inchman. Hello, Inchman. How you doing? Inch, Inch, Inch.

Yeah, there he is, doing his fucking same old shit. Inch, Inch. Hello, boys. Inch. No, we're not. We don't have to do everyone. We don't have to do everyone. Inch.

Look, there's the quest master, Eli. Ooh. Oh, sweet jocker. Oh, hello, Timothy P. Questmaster. Ah, that's my real name. Did you have to use some kind of portal to come into this universe? Yeah, I came in the number 42 portal. Ah, is that near here is it?

Yeah, it's like the new super loop portal. You get in it and it used to just take you to Barnes. But now it goes all the way into City. It's the 242 portal. Hello, hello Questmaster. Oh. I am your adversary and champion. It's a salty fresh one.

Right, let's go in. Come on. I'll just have to rearrange this. Homemade. Tinamen. Panty pad. Right, okay. In that case, we've got Grandolph gone in.

Grumpy Sessions. Yeah, we've got that. We've got some rarer characters. We've got Lady Flapmagash. She's just gone in. Oh, there she's come in. There you go. Oh, I don't remember them.

Doris McSquirter. There's that fucking chicken. There's all sorts of animals coming in now, Paul. Herman the Worm. There's all sorts. Look, there's Tarquin Dog, the theatre critic. There's a theatre critic dog. Granny Sprinkles, yeah, we've mentioned that.

Mike Technique. We haven't seen Mike Technique in years. He's gone in, hasn't he? Mike Technique. Yeah, they do all that Willy Wanker apparently that's a character as well

chicken it's all animals everywhere it's gone crazy here right in that case that's enough of them fuck that

they're all sitting inside now they've got through most of them who else there's others shut up they're all in there

everyone who's ever been in Chiefs as a character, all 300 are in there. I didn't see Vegemite Charlie. Yeah, he went in. You missed it. He went round the back.

Vegemite Charlie went round the back. Vegemite Charlie, where the chocolate's made. Yeah, where the chocolate's made. Between the two milk barrows. Well, there is a lot of that kind of infrastructure

around here. Yeah. Weird that they also keep the lemonade near the milk. I never understood that. Why would you have the milk and then the lemonade? Because round the corner, Eli. Where the chocolate's made, man. I never understood that. Why would you have the milk and the lemonade? Because round the corner, Eli...

It's weird that, isn't it? That's just how they operate this church. I've never understood it. I don't know why they need chocolate and lemonade in a church. Everyone's getting settled. Yes, it is a hot day as we record it today. Everyone's a little bit kind of, you know, nervous. Oh, it's beautiful sun.

It's a gorgeous, glorious day. But let's go back a year. A year ago, when in front of an audience of 500 plus, Cheap Show 300 is where Squishy Jim got down on one knee and proposed. A wonderful moment. What a wonderful moment that was for the show. A wonderful moment, Paul. So let's now go back now and just revisit that moment.

I think I'm going to start crying. I know. I'm going to start. So let's go back one year. Paul, I think I'm going to start. Shh, calm down. Calm down. Let's go back one year. Paul, I think I'm going to start. Shh, calm down. Calm down. Let's go back one year and remember that moment

where Squishy Jim made cheap show history. Well, you have done me good. You've separated up my poo-poos from my blob-blobs and I feel better so I can take them to the doctor. Now, where's my darling Squishy Jim? I'm sorry for pushing you out, darling. Oh, how are you doing, dear? It's been a while. Yes, I know.

You can squish them later, darling. Can I squish them later? Yes, darling. Thank you very much. Now, we have been together for many years. That's right. 30 years we've been my poop squishers. Madam Lady Plops, and I have squished in every poo you've done

in public and in private. That's true. I did a poo-poo. And it has been my honour. Poo-poo. My honour. What? What's going on? To have been your squishery. And I just wanted to take this

moment. Yes, Squishy. I have something here. Oh! Would you do me the honour of becoming Mrs. Jim? Yes, I do! Oh!

Oh! Kaloo, Kalay! I squish it in, I squish it in, I squish it in. I do! Oh! Oh! Kalu Kalei! I squish it in! I squish it in! Oh! I squish it in! Oh, I'm so excited! I must tell my dead mother! I squish it in! I'm off! I'll leave you with him!

Make sure he gets out! It's like some weird mash-up between Harry Potter and Inspector Morse, that. Nightmares. Wonderful, beautiful moment. I remember being shocked on stage when I was waiting in the wings, just watching it happen. I couldn't. My mouth

hung open, and we had to perform as well. Yeah, it was crazy. Heart was in my throat. It really was that moment. So here we are, a year later. I had to do the Plasticine King a really high energy yeah you dropped the ball on that really really kind of ruined the show so here we are

a year later now there's been some ups and downs you've probably heard about the whole thrift shop pod Brandovsky thing that's behind us now that's behind us now we can only look ahead

the dark times have made way and here we are on a glorious lovely beautiful day I think just if I just may pick up one of those points you made there paul i think it's we've learned our lesson about copying each other's character creations it's a bad idea they have a life of their own yeah and then they go and they do a podcast of their own yeah and then it's a lesson

for us and it's one we won't repeat we promise we'll never do it again but all of the the main characters are here to celebrate the love. All in St. Chodney's Church for this beautiful day. The love between an incontinent old lady and a man with boots to do the damage to her little plop plops on the floor

pool. Now, here's the thing. A couple of nights ago it was the hen and the stag parties. It's usually a couple of weeks before, isn't it? Yeah, but because of the scheduling, they could only do it really recently. Okay. So that's why I said a few days ago. That's never the case. Don't correct a fictional thing that happened. Well, I want

it to be more believable, Paul. Right. So let's start again. A couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago there was the Han and Stag party. Ham and Stag. Pam and Ham. Eli, Pam and Ham. Eli, Pam and Ham. Pam and Ham. Eli, Pam and Ham.

Eli, what's this? Pam and Ham. I've got turkey finger. Pam and Ham. Rock me, Ham. Pam. Ham and Pam. Ham and Pam.

Pam and Pam. Pam and Ham. Pam and Ham. Pam and Ham. Pam and Ham. Pam and Ham. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.. Pam. PAH. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. PAM. Pham. Pum-a-ham. He like, look at Pum-a-ham. Anyway, sorry. I've got to put this ham away. A little away. So, yes, a few weeks ago, there was the Stag and the Hen party for Lady Plops and Squeezy Jim, and we decided we'd sneak a little recorder in and we'd grab a few little moments

that we thought would be quite candid and fun to play now. This is great stuff. You can see a different side of some of these characters. Yeah, you're you're gonna see so a few of them got together a few weeks ago went out for a stag so let's let's have a little bit of the highlight reel of what went on that night testing testing one two three hello hello i am paul gannon and this is the Jimmy Squish Jim Hend What is it? Hendu? No, it's the Stagdu

And I am Paul Gannon And we thought we'd sneak a little recording in And we'd show you what's been going on Eli's with me Eli Eli Stop I love him Paul, you've had too Eli. Stop. I love him.

Fuck off. Come on. Paul, you've had too many drinks. I think I should do this for you. I've had two drinks. Yes. And I love you. They were both Long Island iced teas.

Fucking shit place this is. It's not shit. It's the Wipfers, Boff and Pickle. We did the awards here. You've had two huge drinks, Paul. We got a discount for the room, didn't we? Paul, you're standing about three inches from my face. Shut up. Move your mouth from inches from my face. Shut up!

Move your mouth from around near my face. Alright I'm going over here. I just thought I'd take it round and show everyone where everyone is and what we're all doing. Just behave yourself. You fuck off. Just fucking go to the drink you miserable cunt. I'm gonna get my... You've been a miserable cunt all fucking night.

Do you want a coffee or something? Cunt! No! Just one glass of water. I want a desperado. Get me a desperado or a shandy top or whatever they fucking call it. Okay, fair enough. Just hold it together. Make it a double.

I'll find you, okay? I'm going to go and look for everyone else. Who's over here? Oh, look. Who's this? So I said to him... Yeah, what did you say to him? Do you know what I said, Jimmy? I said 10% is for losers. I would get out of my bunker in the middle of around about Milton Keynes,

Ruff Ruff, for less than 15%. 15% is the number you want. I said, Ruff Ruff, well, that's what we do. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you two, you two, short with all your fucking blah, blah. Hello, Paul, Ruff Ruff. Ruff, youuff. Ruff. You have a good time.

Do you like the curry? It's just very nice. I had to... You had piss madras, didn't you? I did not. I don't put piss into stupidness. You had piss madras. Say it. Say piss madras.

I did not have a piss madras. I don't think you should be here, Paul. I think you're going to embarrass yourself here tonight. And it's a little bit embarrassing. Why don't you you should be here Paul. I think you're gonna embarrass yourself here tonight and it's a little bit embarrassing Why don't you let it go away and let the big boys talk about business? Yeah, you did say it say say you had a piss madras No, I had a chicken tikka urethra actually rough rough. Ah, you see rough rough. You know what? Well, why don't you go over there? We're not interested go over there. We're having a quiet time. We're having a quiet drink. Jimmy.

Yes. So I said to him, I said, give me Ruff Ruff and Massive You. Right. Anyway, so they're cunts over there being cunts. Let's go. Who have we got here? Oh, look.

Oh, look, I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, I wonder if he's got. Hey. Yeah. So listen, just do it. All right. Because I don't have time. Jimmy, come here. I've been seeing him a while here, I wonder if he's got... Yeah. Hey! Yeah, so listen, just do it, alright? Because I don't have time. Jimmy, come here. I've got Sony.

Jimmy, come here. Sony all up my back. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, come here. Just on the phone call Paul once. I mean, T-Yet. Okay, so you'll call me soon, then, yeah? It's T-Yet, I meant. You'll call me soon, then.

Alright, love you, bye bye. T-Met. Oh, hello Paul. T-Met. How you doing? T-Met, yes. Yeah, what you doing? Making big business. You're embarrassing yourself, aren how you doing what you doing

making big business you're embarrassing yourself hey hey you got shh shh

you got any you got any winnets I don't know what he's talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah

the old pockety dop nops listen I don't want to you do them

listen I've got paparazzi they're waiting for me out there in a car it's nice

I've had a nice relaxing moment no one recognising me no they're waiting for me out there in the car. It's nice, I've had a nice relaxing moment. No-one recognising me, no-one running up to me saying, you're the greatest cryptid rapper of all time, let me do this, let me do that, sign this. Stupid, yeah, you can't. Oi, you're not going to get any winnits with a girl like that. Give me some winnits. I'm in it to win it, mate, you know what I mean?

I'm in it to win it. That's a good what I mean? I'm in it to win it. That's a good gag. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh at Gannon's gags. I don't laugh at your gags. I don't understand. I like Benny Hill.

Give us a snap of winnet. Have you seen that Benny Hill? You've got some. You're holding. Well, I happen to have some of the primo winnet. Yeah? Yeah, I have some. This stuff was very hard to come by.

I have some. I had to eat nothing but pure ice and snow. Just give me it. For two years. Can I have some? And then this is snow white, this is pure Winnie. Okay, here we go. Give it.

Fucking don't grab it, all right? Just be fucking, just be cool, all right? I'll be cool. I'll be cool, I'll be cool. Look, I'm gonna crush a bit in between my claws. Yeah. And you just fucking huff it up. It's better if you actually smoke it in a pipe.

Alright, this is, let me, here you go. Okay, alright. Give me. Alright, hold it down. Alright. Okay, alright, give me a... Oh, God! Alright, hold it down, alright. I've got to do a little bit... Oh, oh! Oh, yes, I see you're waiting, mate, alright.

Yeah, it's alright, that's done the job. It's perked me right up. Right, okay, thank you, Mr T. How much does that cost? No, Paul, don't worry about it. All right, okay. But the next dose will be fucking 200 nikka. It's not addictive though, is it? Oh.

A what? Oh. Yeah, it's addictive. I'll give you another little bump. Here you go. No. Come on, another little. No, I don't want to.

I'm going to go out. All right. I'm going to go out. Yo, so it's very interesting what you say say buddy boy, cooly groovy guy. Tell me more. I'll tell you something. What did you say your name was, sir? Ah yes, well we met once or twice in the past, but you know me as Adolf Manson. I'm trying to change my name. I'm not very happy with it.

I've seen on reflection it causes quite a lot of grief. It's fascinating what you're telling me about the scene in Berlin. Yes, it's very groovy. It's a dance scene. It's a hip new scene. It's where you work, is it? It's a hip new scene for the Daddy Okulo. All of these things, Mr Manson, that you're telling me right now,

they're having an effect. Perhaps I can describe this effect that you're having on me in a certain way. Imagine a great big department store. Yeah, like a... Like a... Like a Woolworths. Yeah, yeah. Like Woolworths.

Yeah, that's good. Or JCPenney's we have in the States. Oh, JCPenney's. Imagine I am that. I've never heard of it, but it's good. I'm the department store. Yeah. Upstairs, you know, you've got the games department.

Yeah. Where there's lots of high functioning. Yeah. And then downstairs, you go down the stairs, you get into the lower department, the basement department. Yeah, where they sell the towels. You, Mr Manson, you are causing a severe hardening. Oh.

And a severe stiffening. Am I firming? In the basement. Oh, you're firming up your foundations, yeah? You can't even get in there, because it's so hard. It's so hard. Hey, I'm taking this off. Get out of the way. I'm fucking rock hard. You two, And I'm fucking rock hard in the downstairs area.

The whole environment of my downstairs bit is so fucking rock hard now. Go away. Go away. Don't feel very well. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, something's disagreed with me with the winnets. Oh, Mr. Gannon. Yeah. Hello.

What are you doing here? You're too young to be in the pubs. Oh, Mr Gannon? Yeah? Hello. What are you doing here? You're too young to be in the pubs. I know, shush, shush. I've got this moustache on. Oh. It's not a moustache. You're wearing a rat. Yeah, he's my mate, isn't he?

You're wearing a rat as a moustache. Oh yeah, I always do when I want to go. Do you? Yeah, when I want to go and- Hey, do you want me to buy you a drink? Sit here, please. Oh, God. That's what I'm saying.

I'll have a- Yeah, what do you want? Well, brandy keeps me warm on the streets. Oh, God. That's what I'm saying. I'll have a... Yeah, what do you want? Well, brandy keeps me warm on the streets. Oh, God. Are you all right, mister? I have. I've had a disagreement with some... Sorry, little boy.

You've had a disagreement? Yeah, I've said... Well, if you could get me a... See your way to getting me a little brandy, mister. Yeah. I'll be eternally grateful to you. I would... Oh, yeah.

I don't get much. Yeah, just maybe out the way so I... HE GRUNTS No! Oh, mister, you've... HE COUGHS You've been sick all over me, mister. You get your dinner out of that, can't you, little boy?

Fucking veg, get that. It of that, go out your little boy. It's fucking veg, get that. It's vegan, that. You're a fucking liberty taker, you are. Yeah, I've made a fool of myself. You're lucky I'm not. I'm not. I'm tooled up at the moment and we're in a public place. You're out of order.

You're out of order, mister. I'm going to have to go fucking wash off in the ponds. Oh, God. Paul. Don't do winnets, the ponds. Oh, God. Paul. Don't do winnets, ladies and gentlemen. What? Paul. Yes?

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm sick on an orphan. You're like green. I may have had one of the winnets. All around your jaw is almost blue. Yeah. And the top of your head is green. Teeth hurt.

And your eyes have gone red. Yeah, it's the winnets. And there's yellow tears. Don't do Tietz winnets, mate. I would never do that. That's his poop. Do you know that's his poop And there's yellow tears. Don't do tea yet to win it, mate. I would never do that. That's his poop. Do you know that's his poop? It's ish.

What do you mean, ish? That's his shit. It's mostly webbing from his arse hair, isn't it? Well, so what was it like? It was fucking great, but, mate, not on an empty stomach. Don't do it. You didn't have an empty stomach. You had two iced teas in there.

I've got an empty stomach now. All right. Now, listen, where's Jim? He's just here over in the corner. Because the stripper's here. Sticky Vick is here. Sticky Vick is here. She's ready to go. She's done a special act for him. She's going to do a special act for him.

Tell her to set up on the stage just there and I'll go speak to Jim. You go get Jim. Here we go ladies and gentlemen, we've got a big finale. We've got him a stripper, she's got a special act. Jim, Jimmy. Hello special act. Jim. Jimmy. Hello, Paul. Hello, Jim. How are you?

Having a good night? A bit nervous. A bit nervous. Had a brown derby. Had some cocktail. Yeah. Yeah, Jim. Squish.

And you having a good time? Oh, a lovely time. Yeah. Great time, yeah. That's a lovely time, isn't it? Well, I'm glad you're having fun. I don't usually drink. Listen, we've got a special gift for you now. We've had your curry night.

Oh, I had a lovely... Lovely... Piss my dress. Squishaloo. Yeah. Vindapoo. We just sort of said that. Vindapoo, Squishaloo.

Same difference. Same awful gag. Right, Jim, sit down. Squish it in. Sit here. Oh, I'm too excited to sit down. Sit here. Sit there. Oh, I'm too. Oh, same awful gag. Right, Jim, sit down. Sit here, sit here. Oh, I'm too excited to sit down. Sit here, sit there. Oh, I'm too.

Oh, I can't. Oh, what here? Sit there, we've got someone coming in. Oh no. Ladies and gentlemen. No. Jim, for you, for your special night. We got you a stripper.

Oh no. It's ready. Oh no. One, two, three. It's Sticky Vicky. Oh no. Three. One, two, three, it's Sticky Vicky! Oh, no! Whee! You need to recognise me from the OnlyFans.

Oh, look, look what she's getting out. A dirty bottom. Here we go. Oh, I've got to have this cushion in! The cushion jim's up! You can't touch the stripper. Oh, no. You can't touch the stripper. She won't let you. Squishy Jim.

Oh, bloody hell. Squish. Turn that off. Turn that off. Oh, well, we have to stop the footage there because when Sticky Vicky came on. Her act has expanded. I mean, it really has. Don't mention, don't remind. It's gone. I mean, it really has. Don't mention,

don't remind, well, it's gone, I mean, oh God, it's gone further. It's disgusting. Anyway,

look, long story short, Squishy Jim got a lot out of it. I can't say that I did. It was a little bit kind of eye-opening. So you saw some of what happened. It was extremely eye-opening. Yes,

all it was. So you saw there every what... It was a little bit rowdy, but a lot of fun. A little bit rowdy, but they do say that Hindus are more rowdy

than the Stags usually. And we couldn't go, could we? No. We thought about the disguises, but... Yeah, but that's not appropriate at all.

But we got someone... At all, Eli. But we got someone... Oh, yeah, no, I asked Carol. I gave her the recorder and I said Carol take it with you

so Carol who you know is Brandoff's assistant she's in here tonight she doesn't do that anymore not anymore no she just exclusively does only piss website stuff now yeah which is great

which is great which is fine because Brandoff didn't treat didn't pay her properly no not enough which is making a mint now which is nice fair point

I mean he's printing his own 3D piss so he's alright it's all worked out nicely so look we gave Carol the recorder she's gone on I mean, he's printing his own 3D piss. So he's all right. It's all worked out nicely. So look, we gave Carol the recorder. She's gone on. I mean, I haven't heard this yet.

So let's see what they get up to. Let's see this. Let's see this. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Hello. I'm Carol. Hello.

I'm recording for Paul and Eli because they're not allowed to come in here. They fucking tried. But we told them no. So anyway, we're in the nightclub now. We've had a lovely meal. We went to an Italian restaurant, Pezzo's or something, and now we're at a nightclub in Soho called Squitsies, I think it is. So there's only a few of us here. Select few. So let's have a little look around, shall we? Let's have a little look around. Oh, look. Here's someone you haven't seen in a while. Hello, Doris. That's Doris McSquirter. Oh, I've got bees in me quinge.

Yes, she's always got them there. Oh, buzz, buzz. Yeah, yeah, buzz, buzz. Sticky quinge. Yeah, no wonder people don't remember it. Anyway, look, I'm just going to go to the bar and let's see if we can see anyone on the way, on the way. Here we go. Oh, hey Marge. There, here we go. Oh, hello.

Hey, Marge. There's Marge, you know, with her machines. Hello. Hello, it's you, right there, love. Oh, not too bad. Lovely meal. I'm just going to the bar. Do you want a drink?

I've got to go now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What? Carol, Carol. What? You must not know me very well. Why? Because I am Marjorie Craddock. Yes, no, I know that,? Because I am Marjorie Craddock.

Yes, I know that. And what does Marjorie Craddock do? I don't know. I don't listen to the show. I have machines. Oh, do you? I have machines that do all sorts of things, including making drinks from scratch. So I've got this little very discreet unit.

Oh, yeah. It looks like a shoebox, that. Yeah, it's just like a shoebox size. What's it do? Felly, mae gen i'r uned bach sy'n ddysgrifn iawn. O ie, mae'n edrych fel sgwbog. Ie, mae'n edrych fel sgwbog. Mae'r Markeric Craddock Drinkomatic 3000. O, beth yw'r peth? Mae'n microffon sy'n adeiladu. Ie, boop, boop.

Ac rydych chi'n ei ddweud beth rydych chi eisiau. Helo, ffrind. Ac rydych chi'n gweld y sbwt yma. Ie. Bydd yn dod allan. Felly, cwblhau'r glas. Cwblhau'r glas. Ie.

Ie, cwblhau'r glas. Ie. Iawn, yna, yma'r glas yna. Pwy ydw i Where do I put it? There. Just by the spigot. Right. Okay. Now, just speak your order into the little microphone grill now. Okay. One sex on the beach, please. See? It's calculating. Oh, look.

It's calculating. Here we go. It's going. Oh. Oh. I don't remember sex on the beach being a brown drink. Well, we've been working on the colouring, but I think you'll find the taste is perfect.

How's that? No, that's... I'm pretty sure that's dog shit, that. It's not dog shit. That's dog shit or something. Carol, it's a brilliant machine. Yeah, but it tastes like... I genuinely think that's just a glass of dog shit. You know what?

I'll skip. I'm just going to go to the bar. All right? I'm just going to go to the bar anyway. Oh, dear. Are you okay? Oh, that's rather funny turd on me, that. It's rather funny turd on you?

It's making me innards all outed. It's making your innards outed? Yeah, do you know what? Perhaps you should go to the loo. Oh, dear. I can take over the recording. All right, just hold this. I'm just going to... Oh, shit. Very good with machines. It's coming out my front and back.

And there she goes. Now, who else is in this lovely little soiree we're having in Squitsy's nightclub? Oh! Oh, nudge, nudge, my lover. Oh, hello. Nudge, nudge. It's Meaty Margaret. Oh, hello, my Meaty Margaret here. How you doing, my love? Oh, you're lookingudge, nudge. It's Meaty Margaret. Oh, hello, my Meaty Margaret here. How you doing, my love?

Oh, you're looking fine, Feb. Would you like a pint of steaks? I, I, well, I've just, I had so much at Pretzo's. Oh. I had the, the clam spaghetti thing. Well, it's just that I've got a van full of children outside, so I can make a few slurries if you want. No, no, thank you, Meaty. You sure?

There's a hole there. You can hear them from here screaming. And and there you'll be soup soon kids oh they're so demanding kids listen me great catching up really you sure you don't want a bag of sausage i know i've got sausage machines oh i have a whole a nice line of sausages you can have, aren't you? I have a whole array of sausage machines in my emporium. I've got badger spam. Oh, that does sound interesting. Thinly sliced? Yeah, it is.

Oh, as thin and sliced as you like, love. Because my slicing machine's on the blink. Well, let me tell you what. I'll just pop out into the van, because I've got to shut those kids up anyway, and I'll get you some badger spam. Don't be too long, Meaty, because the stripper's coming. Oh, I'll be back for that. Don't you worry about that.

Oh, let's see who else is here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, there's Carol. Oh, God. Are you okay, Carol? I don't know what that drink was, but it wasn't sex on the beach. Oh, fuck. It was more brown on the town, that.

Oh, well. I feel very hollow now. Well, look. I think your machine needs a bit of fine-tuning. Listen, I bumped into this guy just outside, and he says he's the stripper. Yes, I booked him on my telephone machine. Will you go get him, and I'll go get fucking Lady Plops.

Yes, you make sure she's ready. Lady Plops, where are you, love? Oh, I'm over here, darling. What are you recording? Are you recording for those boys? Those naughty boys? Oh, those naughty... You're darling. Are you recording? Are you recording for those boys? Those naughty boys? Oh, those naughty... You're naughty boys, Eli and Paulius.

You are naughty boys. Well, listen, love. Yes, the naughty boys have got you something special. Take a seat there. Is anyone looking? No, take a seat there. We've got a gift for you. Marge, bring him in.

Sam, bring him in. Who is it? Who is this? Come this way, sir. Oh, it's a gentleman dressed as Santa! Coming over here, love. Oh, there. Alright. Alright. So, look, Mrs Lady Plopper, you've got your little... The birthday girl, is it?

No, she's getting married to a hen like this. Oh, don't do that. I'm the fucking... I'm a Sansa. I'm a stripping Sansa. Yeah, but that doesn't mean you should do birthdays at all, then, does it? Did you speak to Robert, the agent? No, I didn't speak to Robert. He should have told you. I only do Santa. Listen, I've been out of the car getting ready for this.

I've got my fully waxed nutsack. Ooh, it's nice. Can I have a little peek, sir? Yeah, shut her up for a second. Listen, quiet down. Let me sort this out. I've got fully waxed my arsehole. We didn't pay for that. Get the Christmas pudding in and out. No, we don't pay for that. It's going to dry out for a second. Listen, quiet down. Let me sort this out. I've got fully waxed my arsehole. We didn't pay for that. Get the Christmas pudding in and out. No, we don't pay for that.

It's going to dry out in a second, and I'll have a split arsehole. It's like an embalming process. Listen. I'm a specialist. We didn't ask you to do that. We just want a simple... I'm full of baubles.

I've got baubles up my arse right now. You're just going to take your hat and top off and get your cock out and drop your knees. Listen, I'll do the Santa thing. I'll just... Phil, you let him do his thing. I want to see what he's got. You do it. All right. You do it. All right, here we go. You do it for me now. One, two, one, two, three, four, strip for me. Jingle bells, jingle bells, here's my knob in your face. I'm gonna spunk up your hair and all round the place.

It's a bit mischievous, what is it? Oh, I've got a whole fucking Christmas pudding on me arsehole. Reach in there, love. See if the turkey's done. I'm having sinful thoughts. I hope Jim never sees this. I hope he never sees this. Reach up the oven. Oh, fuck. This is going to be so much extra money.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, for fuck's sake. she's shot all over the place. Well, it sounds like Lady Plops really got... Maybe got a bit too involved with that one. Well, look, it's her last... He's suing us. That stripper's suing us, apparently. Paul, he sues everyone.

I know, but, mate, he might have grounds. He might have grounds to do so based on that recording. They've got the lawyers downstairs. He's got a mouthful of shit. Novelty strippers upstairs. Yes, I know. And then the lawyers are downstairs. That's all they do.

Remember what he said. He's not a shit man. He encourages laxative use. Well, he should. He's saying now that we have litigious issues. He drops the laxatives in and then makes a big ooh about a little bit of poop. You can't say that, because he's listening. That's libel or slander, one or the other.

Come and get me, stripper Santa guy. He's got an alcohol and drugs problem. Well, he's in there anyway right now. He lives in his car. That's why he's at the wedding. That's why he's at the wedding. We have to invite him along to say sorry. Anyway, look, we're moving on.

We're getting on with this, because everyone's sat down. We're about, I don't know, like 10 minutes away from the ceremony now. Okay, everyone's in place. We're all going to get inside now, like 10 minutes away from the ceremony now. Okay, everyone's in place. We're all going to get inside now with the microphone because Eli and I will still be doing a commentary on the wedding for you so you can see what's going on. You're going to get it live as it happens, as they tie the knot. And it's going to be a great party this evening.

Wonderful, glorious weather today as well. Couldn't be more perfect. We've brought our own food. Yes, I'm not touching what's on that table in the back room. Meaty Margaret was in there. Yeah, we're not doing it. We're not touching it. Because if Grumbly and Margaret have been catering...

What you're talking about is shit and human flesh stew, essentially. Do you fancy that? Not today. On this lovely, glorious day? It's a bit too hot. A bit too fatty. A bit too hot for shitty stew. I'd like a glass of water.

Just a glass of water. But I'm not even going to get that from him. And I've got extensive back pocket meat stuff, so. Yeah, I've got rid of that ham. It has a funny effect on me. It'd be very appropriate if we could get some kind of pickle under the Spoffoff Goblin. Yes, I've touched the Goblin. It's good luck.

We're going to be fine. Okay. So, look, just before we head into the wedding now, we're going to play two more recordings. So, a few hours ago, when they're getting ready for the wedding, Eli and I went, well, I say backstage, but you know what I mean. We went to the hotel room. I spoke to Squishy Jim. You spoke to Lady Plops. Indeed I did, Paul. So we're going to run those

interviews now for you. I think we're going to start with me and Lady Plops. You and Lady Plops. Can you trim my hair off a little bit, darling? But we're going to do the... Yes, yes. Hello, Eli. Hello, madam. Oh, how are you, dear?

I'm very good, madam. Great to see you. Yes. If I could just... You look... Oh, do I look beautiful? Fabulous, fabulous. Oh, I've been dressed by Meaty Margaret.

She's done a nice meat dress for me. You look like Lady Gaga in her prime. It's good enough to eat, you could say. Yes, I wouldn't... It literally is. Yes, now... I've been told not to nibble it in case it brings on the squids. I think it would.

But that's okay, because we've got the squitty girl outside with the basket of squids, and she's going to be sprinkling squits. You have a squitty girl. Yes, a squitty-squit girl. A squitty-squit girl. We've given her a basket. For what? Full of scat to sprinkle ahead of me as I walk down the aisle.

Oh, that was one of the questions I was going to ask you. Have you themed the ceremony? It's going to be based around our strengths. Which are? I'll be dropping it, and he'll be squashing it. I see. Drop and squash. Drop and squash. It's a drop and squash themed wedding. And you're dressed by

Meaty Margaret. That's what you're wearing. Are you nervous? A little bit, yes. It's a big day for me. Do you ever get any physical symptoms when you're nervous? Oh, yes. I've had a few drippy drip drops and it's ruined my tights, so I've put a nice

bit of wadding up there. A little bit of wadding. I don't usually, but a little bit of wadding. I know because you're so close to married life where you Close to the cloth. Well, yes, but you're close to being married to someone who can deal forever more. Yes. Until death do you part, can indeed

squish those in. In death till we shot. Indeed. Indeed. Oh, I death do you part, can indeed squish those in. Until we shot. Indeed. Indeed. Oh, I love him. Madam, I'm sure you do. I love him. I know I'm doing the right thing. Thank you so much for inviting me in.

I've got to say good luck on the day. Today. Good luck today on the day. Yes, it's a good day. It's a good day to get married. It's a good day. I can't wait. I've picked the music.

When are we going to have the music? As I go down the aisle. What will we be playing when you go down the aisle? You really have curated the whole of this for you. And there are little scat girls will be carrying the meaty tale of this dress. I don't want to reveal the music I'm walking down the aisle to. It's a secret. Spoilers, remember, darling. OK, well, we're all looking forward to it.

And like I say... Listen, I've got to get on, because I think the wadding's coming out, dear boy. Yes, and it's very close here in this hotel room. Oh, it's gone. It's gone. Oh, dear. Clean up on aisle 12, Margaret. Oh, God. Oh. Oh God.

Oh dear. Okay, madam, lady plops, goodbye. Oh dear. Squishy, can I come in? Yeah, come in, Paul. Yeah, can I come in? Come in, Paul. Yay, big day, mate. How you doing?

Come on Big day Bit nervous Bit nervous Why I'm a bit nervous Why are you a bit nervous I couldn't sleep

Why couldn't you sleep I was having Second thoughts No Not about your true love Big day of your life The problem is Yeah

I squish in You do And that's why I do the rest What are you scared That once you squish with her You'll never squish Anyone else's again I haven't been able to see her For the last three days Well that's what I do to Rex. What, are you scared that once you squish with her you'll never squish anyone else's again? I haven't been able to see her for the last three days.

Well, that's because you got lost, remember? Yeah. Yeah, it was that. You got distracted by a rolling turd and you chased it down a hill. No, I had to squish that in. It went to the next town. I know, that's the crazy thing about it. It went all the way down. It was coming after it. Is that why

you... Is that why? Is that your fear? Running after it. And then I did catch it, but I was in the next town along. Right. Squished it in. Yeah, well, is that what you're really nervous about? The fact that you might not be able to squish anyone else's droppings again.

I just thought... You're a one-squish man. As perfect as Lady Plopops little pellets of joy are could there could there be a more perfect poo out there for me oh that's these plagues your mind what they say is the grass is always browner isn't it it plagues your mind and digested yes yeah it plagues your mind yeah but i think i'm okay now i've got my big wedding squishy boots on yeah well they're going to be doing a little bit of a... Have you got anything in you?

A sprinkle? Bring anything with you? No, I don't have anything. I asked you. I emailed you. No, I know, but I didn't need to go. Bring poo! Didn't need to go.

What am I going to squish now? You know what they say. What? Something old, something new, something borrowed, something poo. Yeah. So, do you want... Let me... Hang on.

You've got poo for me. Let me have a go now. I went this morning, so I don't... Hang on. You've got poo for me. Let me have a go now. I went this morning so I don't... Hang on, let me... Oh. Oh, Paula. Oh, God. I'm sorry.

There you go, little one. No, I can't. I can't be squishing that in. I've done it now. You squish it. I've done that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you. I'm sorry I asked you to do that. Burst an eye vessel or something. Ow. Squish it.

No. Squish it now. I'm getting married. Right, well, I'm sorry. All right, I'm sorry. So I'll leave you to your big day. What are you wearing? I have got my boots.

Yeah. For squishing. Obviously. And just some suit I had in the to your big day. What are you wearing? I have got my boots. Yeah. For squishing. Obviously. And just some suit I had in the back of the cupboard. It's not about the appearance. It's about the trailer. It's your big train you need to look nice. The boots look nice.

Yeah, no, the boots do look nice. Nice and shiny. Shiny. Ready to squish. Heavy. Heavy duty. Well, look, you've got a few mates coming in a minute to help you set up, so I'm going to leave, but I'll take this with me since you don't want it now.

But if you do want a poo for later, you can have this. It's all right, Paul. All right, okay, I'm sorry. I'll see you. I thought I'd do better than that, but there's not much to it. There's not much to anything. It looks like E.T. Oh, it looks more like...

No, that was funniest. I'll see you later. Goodbye. This doesn't seem like a real interview. There we are, all done. Well, they seemed a bit nervous. They seemed a little bit nervous there, you're right. But it was just a few hours ago, and they're beaming.

They both look very relaxed there. Yes, when I last saw Jimmy, he looked beaming from ear to ear. Jimmy, Jimmy, sorry, who do you mean? Jimmy Biscuits or Squishy? Squishy Jim. His name is Squishy. Squishy Jim, when I saw Squishy. Sir name Jim. When I saw Squishy. Mr. Jim.

When I saw Mr. Jim, he looked happy. Do you know a fact as well? What? He's actually going to take Lady Plops' surname. Is he? So he'll be... Squishy Lady Plops. Squishy Lady Plops.

That's fine. It's a beautiful gesture. It's very good. I think it's astute as well, because that's their brand, really, Lady Plops. Yeah, he couldn't be called Lady Jim. It'd just be confusing brand-wise, wouldn't it? It would. He'd lose the squishy element.

Well, it's his first name. It is his first name. He's a born squisher. But anyway, he's going to be Squishy Lady Plops. Squishy Lady Plops, yes. What am I to do with that? I don't know. It's fucking 32 degrees.

It's a hot day today. I had my balls of pure liquid bath. Shit, right? Solub. Big fucking day Okay well they're just About to get married Paul Oh yeah no look The vicar

He's giving me the nudge He's giving me the nod Nod and nudge Who's the vicar then I don't know Some new guy He's called Tom Charlie Let me just check

Wedding I've got the Program here Yeah Vicar Tom Charlie Vicar Tom Charlie Vicar Tom Charlie I've never heard of him

Anyway He's taking His stance now and giving me the nudge. And the doors are closed. He's giving you a nudge? Yeah, he's doing that, isn't he? He's giving you the wink? He's doing the nudge. Nudge.

The nudge. He's giving you a nudge. Yeah, he's definitely giving me the nudge. You know what, Paul? In the right light, you give me the nudge. I've got the nudge. Quiet. I've got a girthy nudge.

Everyone's quieting down ladies and gentlemen we're going to now hand you over to the big wedding this is it Lady Plops Squishy Jim the Cheap Show Wedding

enjoy hello very excited we've moved a little bit from where we were just now we're now where are we

we're above the we're in a sort of pul where we were just now we're now where where are we here we're above the we're in a sort of pulpit alcove and we are directly we've got a great view here Paul it's a beautiful view

we're just above the altar it's right below us here looking down we can see everything I can see all the guests out and they're all being very attentive there is a real

atmosphere here in St. Spoffney's any moment now any moment now those doors are going to open and Lady Plops and all her regalia are going to march down that aisle. I think the door's opening, Paul. The door is opening now. I think it's ready to...

Oh, wait. Juicy, sit down. Sit down. No, I know. Sit down. The wedding's started. Sit down. No, I know. Sit down. The wedding started. Sit down. Excuse me, madam.

Right, he's sat down now. It always takes so long to sit down. He always makes a fucking dinner out of it, doesn't he? He's sat down. It'll be good because he'll have some special... Special brew later. Special occasion. Yeah, his special occasion brew. Oh, wait. I've got to interrupt you, Eli.

It's now time. Yes, I can hear the music playing and it's time for the big moment, ladies and gentlemen. Here she comes. Here she comes down the aisle and she has her... Opening and there she is, yes. She has her fecal maids and they're scattering what looks to be like

dried... Flecks of something. Brown flecks. It's shit, Paul. It's shit. they had a big hoo-ha trying to clear that with the church owners a poo-ha they insisted

it had to be desiccated poo only easy just the clean up it's about the clean up it has to be able to wash away so there are flakes of horse

everything's been pounded in a special machine dog horse there's a shit pounding machine that was so grateful here at Cheap Show that Marjorie Craddock provided the shit-pounding machine and the little poo-poo mate.

I don't think that's very appropriate right now as Lady Pops walks down the aisle. Beautiful. Look at that dress. Here she is. Wonderful. It's a meat kind of concept, I guess. Look at the frills on that. It's almost a kind of palm. It's a type of parma ham, I believe. It must be a parma ham. Shut up.

She's gone with parma ham. Parma ham motif. We're not doing that, Paul. We're talking about her dress. That's what she's dressed as. It's translucent. It's a very translucent meat, parma ham. Yeah, but it's nice.

She's got bacon hems and parma ham frills. I mean, she looks beautiful. There's pork chops On each shoulder Absolutely beautiful While she's walked down the aisle And obviously Her father had passed away

A long time ago So it is With some With some heart That we can announce That Brandoff Is giving her away today He sounds very proud

Of course He's giving her away there And Giving away Giving away Giving away now Giving her Lady Plops away now

walking down the aisle beautiful why do you have to bring up the red hot chilli peppers I hate them I hate them I hate them

sorry anyway look we're getting to the front and there is at the altar there is Squishy Jim of course

Brandoff back in everyone's good books after the little incident with the telephone but he we know all this

we don't need to go over this again it's fine there he is and he's he's looking after the little incident with the telephone, but we know all this. We don't need to go over this again. It's fine. There he is, and he's looking... He looks very proud. Anyway, this is Squishy Jim, and you can see the tears in his eyes as he sees his beautiful bride marching down the aisle. And Paul, they're both approaching the altar there.

Of course, Jimmy Biscuits is going to... Be the best man. Be the best man, and he's got the ring. He looks dapper. He looks super smart. Big sunglasses. He looks like he should be in The Professionals. But no, he's dapper.

And yes, no, the vicar's now taking his place. So I think we can sit back down now and let the actual vows take place. I think I'm going to well on. Anyway, take it over now to vicar Tom Charlie for the vows. Right. for the vows right hello I'm vicar Tom Charlie dearly beloved we are gathered here today in the sight of our Lord Jesus Savior Christ to witness the holy matrimony between, who are their fucking names, Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim. Now, there is nothing I love more than bringing together two happy people who, you know, over time fall in love and do all that stuff

and then ruin it all by getting married. But I like the process, and I love the fact that these two people have overcome quite a lot of hardships today to be here tonight. And, you know, it's good, isn't it? Weddings are good. Fundamentally, they're a good thing. Get on with it! Shut up!

Shut up! All right, just get on with it. Anyway, right. So, la, la, la, la, la. Wedding, good stuff. Lovely times. Now, I believe... That's right.

I believe you've done your own vows. It's very unorthodox, isn't it? It's very unusual. Yes, I've done my vows. I've got my own, yes. Yes, I have done my vows, yes. I am ready. Right.

In that case, I'll just hand it over to you. Squishy Jim, go on. Hello. Do your vow. Madam, I have been honoured to have squished all the poops in since we met that day in the supermarket. And it would do me a great honour and I would be eternally grateful if I could squish your shit forevermore. Will you be my wife?

Would you? We'll get to that bit in a minute. Just dig it out. Just shut up. You've fucking said enough. Shut up. Anyway, right, so... Is he a real vicar?

Anyway, right, so, lady plops, what do you say, you stuff? Go on. Oh, sweet Squishy. I've left a trail in life of brown matter. Squishy! Squishy! And you've been there every step of the way.

Squishy! To press into the ground my brown. And I wish to leave further trails of sticky mess in the future and I won't do it I shan't do it without you but not behind me anymore I want you by my side to squish and to be squished until death us do part you'll have to turn around to let them out then it's over was practically no it's more than metaphor darling don't think too much about it my sweet well go behind you in You have to turn around to let them out then. Because otherwise, practically... No, it's more of a metaphor, darling. Don't think too much about it, my sweet.

Well, I'll go behind you in reality still. Yes, but in real life, you'll be behind me metaphorically. Which is good for the squishing. This has kind of ruined my vows, darling. Which is good for the squishing. Anyway, I love you and I can't live without you. And this has been the culmination of years of cat and mouse love. And I just want to be your pussy. I want you to be the litter tray at which I

squish the little pellets out. Right, okay, you've said enough. You've said enough. Right, you've said enough. So here we go. Repeat after me, Mr... Christ, what's your name? Jim. Squishy Jim. Say, I, Squishy Jim. I, Squishy Jim.

Take thee, Madam Lady Pops, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse. For better or for worse. For richer or poorer. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. In sickness and in health. To cherish till death us do part. To cherish. This fucking goes on. Till death us do part.

According to God's holy ordinance. No, we left out. We don't do. We're doing a humanist one. Oh, all right. Are you the real vicar? You don't sound like the person I spoke to on the phone. Why are you getting married in a church then,

if it's a fucking humorous wedding? Just for our relatives who might be insulted or something. Yes, like, we'll never get, my mother wanted me to have a church wedding, even though God is sinful. We're not going to do the God bit, okay? Okay, let me rewrite according to, I don't know, Gary's holy ordinance. Sorry, who's Gary? Lord Gary. Who's, okay? Okay, let me rewrite. According to, I don't know, Gary's Holy Orders.

Sorry, who's Gary? Lord Gary. Who's Lord Gary? The King of Humanism. I don't... You don't seem like a... Yes, you don't. No, I don't think you're a real priest myself.

You don't seem like a real vicar. Is this going to be legit? Just get... Oh, just... Let's just finish it. And therefore, I apply thee to my trough. What? No, it says trough.

It does say trough. Oh. you could keep a lot of... I do. I do. And then lady plops, do you wedding, husband, blah, blah, blah, do you take thee? I do. Say I do. I do.

Then, oh wait, I've got the other one. This is the good one. It's the douchey one. If anyone here knows why any reason why these two lovebirds shouldn't, you know, get married, speak now or forever hold your peace. Oh, really? No one? That surprises

me. Right. Okay. Well, then by the powers invested in me, Vicar Tom Charlie, I now pronounce Lady Plops and Squishy Jim as dead as fuck. I'm sorry, what did he just say? Paul, the vicar, he's reaching under his robes. He's got a gun.

Is that a gun? Fuck. Right, you two, get on your fucking knees now. You, Jim, you, Lady Plops, get on your fucking knees. Brandovsky, come on in. The show's all yours, brother. He's holding them at gunpoint. He's holding them hostage, everyone.

There's someone abseiling through the stained glass window. It's Brandovsky. Holy shit, what's he doing here? Okay, everyone, listen to me. We're currently experiencing some real problems here right now. We're just going to see what's going on. We seem to have a hostage situation right now. Right, you two, fucking shut up.

Yo, Brandovsky, here's the microphone. Thank you very much, Mr. Point. Now, it is the moment I have been dreaming of for so long. This is vengeance, not just for me, who has been personally wronged by all of these original characters, but for all the copy characters from here to eternity. We could have been

friends. It could have been so nice. We could have got on as two parallel podcasts, but no. No, Brandov had to bankrupt me and sully my name with his little snivelling sidekick. Ah, fucking prick.

And now it's time for all of the copy characters to have their little vengeance. And if you think I'm the joking part of this, let's give a little test of what's about to happen to everyone. Arthur? Alright, you sure you want this? Do it. Right. The powers invested in me I now pronounce you

and fucking you dead. You've done that bit already. I know, but it was good. I'm doing it again. I now pronounce you Lady Pops and you, Jim

dead. Please don't shoot. No. Please don't. Why did you do this? Don't. No! Please don't! Why did you do this? Don't! Fuck my face! Jesus Christ! They've just killed Lady Plops and Squishy Jim!

They executed them! Aha! Now is the time! Copy characters! Get your vengeance! Go! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ! They're all evil! They're all... Copy! These guys are all here. They're all armed. Get me. Come here. Come here. Get behind the altar.

Get up, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to have to go and hide. Get behind the altar. Drink this. How about you drink a bit of that, boys? Here, I'll give you something to write to your grandmammy about. Oh, why. That's not the kind of thing a juicy man should do. Take my five-finger

salute to your old nozzle. Oh, why, I'm gonna give you five of them. Hold on there. Hang on. What? Just hold your horses there, boy. I'll try. Listen, my boy. Oh. Now, I know we're all head up and angry about all of this shenanigans and violence.

We surely are. But I've got a peace offering for you. Yeah. And I don't think you'll be able to resist it. Yeah, we shouldn't be fighting. We shouldn't. Here, take my peace offering. Oh.

It's a special sodie. There you go. It's a strange color. I'll give you that. It's a special recipe of my old papi used to tell me. And this is most flavourful yet. You just have that. Down the hatch.

Why, this is the start of a beautiful friendship, I'm sure. There you go. Now boy, tell me my boy. That's quite the... That's quite the... That's quite the... That's quite the... Where have I got... Where have I got...

Where have I got teeth coming out of my eyes? They should be going through your brain. Where have I got wings? The wings are coming through your lungs. If that's the right formula. I've got teeth down my spine and all. Now. Thirsty Phil, you've just learned the lesson.

Never trust an old-timey soda man. I'm out of here. Ha-har! You won't get the best of me. Captain Blue Balls, the best bladesman on the high seas. Ha-har! I'll stab you right through you, you blue balls. You're going to need a swift arm to be the best bladesman on the high seas. I'll stab you right through you, you blue balls. You're going to need a swift arm to be the best of me, Long John Can't Come.

Well, I can't come, but I tell you what. Blue balls, you old bastard. I can move my sword faster than a serpent of the ocean. I can zoom. There you go! You've stuck it! I hit me perineum! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What have you done? What's happening? It looks like my blue balls! They've been released! Oh! You've done the trick, boy! Arrgh! Oh! I've come! Arrgh! Oh my lord! It's a tsunami of spunk! Arrgh! Oh, here I've come! Oh my lord, it's a tsunami of smoke!

I gotta get out of here. Jimmy gotta live. Jimmy gotta see a new day. Jimmy gotta go. I gotta get out of here. Look, oh my god, there's a door open. I'm just gonna quietly sneak over here like this. Not so fast, Jimmy Biscuits. Don McNubbin in the flesh.

That's right. It's your old nemesis, Don McNubbin. And you ain't got no gun. But Don McNubbin, he's got this revolver. And Don McNubbin's gonna put a bullet in Biscuit's brain. Jimmy don't like this. Jimmy don't like this at all. But Jimmy knows that in the firefight before,

you shot five bullets at the priest. You shot two at the orphan boy. You shot one at Eli and you missed. And that means you've got the magazine holds 12. I've got three bullets left, I think. No, I think you've got more. So you've got less than that. I need to do some math.

Can you give me a... Have you got a pencil? Yeah, I've got a pencil. I think I've got something. So you've got less than that. I need to do some math. Can you give me a... Have you got a pencil? Yeah, I've got a pencil. I think I've got something here. Here you go. Thank you. Oh, a nice sharp one. There's a nice sharp pencil.

So there was a magazine holds about 12 rounds. It's a 12-holding magazine. Four at that, and then you've got three of those ones. I'm telling you, I've got three. I've got plenty of bullets. Two at Jimmy and all the boys. I'm going to kill you dead with one of them. So that means you've got either one bullet or seven bullets left.

I got plenty of bullets, Jimmy. What's the point of all this? Ah, it's a distraction. So you don't know I'm about to stab you in the fucking eye with this pencil. That's right, Jimmy gets away again. Taddy bye, Taddy bye. You bastard! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! I got him. Bye Teddy, bye! You bastard! I got him. Oh mate, can you believe what's going on out there, Tia? It's crazy! Listen, adolescent Sasquatch, I never had any bad blood. I don't know what's going on with this. I didn't pick a side, mate.

I don't know what's going on here. It's terrible, but you know what? It's terrible. It might, you know, it might be good for us, because I've got a new record deal. Have you? Yeah. Well, can I be in it please?

You can definitely guest on some of my records. Oh, I'd like that very much. Would you like that? Yeah, I'd like that very much. Well, I've been working on some beats. If we could just find a quiet corner over here. Let's go over here where it's quiet. I'll play you some of these beats, mate.

Come on, get closer. Oh yeah, why? I've actually got a little something for you. Have you? Yeah. Oh, I've got to get a bit closer. Oh yeah, what? I've actually got a little something for you. Have you? Yeah. Oh, I've got to get a bit closer. What is it? What have you got me?

It's a knife. You what? Act two Yeti. Act two. That's right. I'm not letting some little app start steal my career. Oh, but you've made an error.

Oh, you've made an error now. When you commit an evil crime of Yeti on yeti bloodshed, you release the might of the scribbles. And they turn on their master and devour him whole. In fact, hawk, hawk I hear them coming now. Here they come. Oh the scribbles are going to burn me. Oh no. Oh that hurts! Oh, no! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Don't do it, Brandonski. I've got plenty of money. It's rough. It's buried. Buried under my roundabout. You know where my roundabout is. It's made from milk and kids. You can have it all.

You can have it all. Enough of your groveling. Prepare to die. Jimmy. Jimmy, you'll save my life, Jimmy. Are you hurt? I had one bullet left, and I had to use it to save your life. Have you? What's wrong?

I got shot good. Jimmy don't got much time on this earth left. But Jimmy... And I just wanted to say, before I go, something I've always wanted to say. What is it, Jimmy B? I love you. Jimmy! Ruff, ruff!

No! We love you! Jimmy! Ruff! Ruff! NOOOOOOO! There's death and destruction all around us. I hope you can hear this. We're reporting from inside this war zone. Are you- did you get hit? Yeah, I've got a bit of shrapnel on my shoulder here from like some fucking explosion or something from before. Let's just get the fuck out of here, Paul. We've got to get out of here, mate. We can't just stay here. We've got to somehow get help. Let's just get to the door.

It's just over there. Wait, we can go out that door, the Parsons' entry. We can do it. It's the Parsons' exit, mate. Come on, let's get out Parsons' exit. Does it work as an exit? Yes. Okay, let's go.

Let's go out of here. Come on, follow me. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, Christ. Jesus, God, stop this. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Where do you think you're going, you two?

Yeah, where the fuck do you think you fuckers are going? Yeah, where do you think you're going? You're going nowhere. Oh, you've ruined it for me and little Saul over here. Yeah, you've fucking ruined it. What do you think of my fucking SS uniform? Yeah, pretty like. You look good.

You look proper fucking smart. Listen, can you get out the fucking way, you two psychopath scumbags? Yeah, just... We're not interested in hurting you, okay? Oh, you're not interested in hurting me? Well, we're interested in hurting you. Yeah, we're fucking gonna fucking kick your geese. In fact, we're gonna make sure you all go down with us.

Fucking show them. Show them, Levi. Regarde. Jesus Christ, Paul, look. down with us. Fucking show them! Show them Levi! Regardee! Jesus Christ Paul look! They've got explosives on them! Time to meet your maker cheap show! Get down Eli get down! Get out! Jesus Christ! They blew themselves up! Nearly got fucking destroyed by all that fallen masonry!

There's blood everywhere! Come on, Paul! Let's get out of here! Alright then, where do you think you're going, lads? Seriously? Fuck's sake. Again? Are we doing this again? Hi, it's Arthur Point, the mastermind behind all the destruction

you can see before you. Why did you do it, though, Arthur? Ah, ha, ha. Well, it's very simple. I was created all those episodes ago as a one-off character, and I deserve better. I deserve to be a regular recurring character, but no. No.

I didn't get that chance, and so I thought, you know what, I'm going to take you all down. Copycats and not, you're all doomed. But you've appeared on several episodes now, Arthur. You are? You've appeared on several episodes. Yeah, you've appeared on many episodes, mate. I mean, at least, like, 20, I reckon.

You're not, like, a single-shot character, a one-shot character. No, I am. I've only had one character. I've only been in one episode. No, you've been in several. Yeah, many, many.

I've fucking fucked this, haven't I? Right, you know what? Fuck this. Eat lead, you fucking prick. What's that? There's something coming through the roof behind you, Arthur.

No, fuck off with that. Come on, eat lead. No, Arthur, there really is. There's a light coming through the roof behind you, Arthur! No, fuck off with that! Come on, eat lead! No, Arthur, there really is! There's a light coming through the roof! Paul, can you see it? Yeah, no, there is! No, seriously, there's a weird, strange, glowing, heavenly light appearing through yonder window! Who the bloody hell's this? Who are you? Oh, the holy light! I can't take it! It's burning me up. It's... Silence!

I am Mike Shit. The first and original character of all. For newer listeners, Mike Shit appeared in episode 6 way back when on Cheap Show, and is our first character. I have come to wipe the slate clean.

I've been watching from the afterlife for years, and it's a disgrace what's been going on with the characters and copy characters in this podcast. So I will now rejoin the characters with the copy characters and they will all ascend to the afterworld with me, Mike Sheets. Jesus Christ, he's gonna do a full-on rapture. Yeah, I think it's a bit like the end of the Dark Crystal, Paul. I was thinking that, yeah. A little bit like that. When they join, the baddies

and the goodies and it's like different halves. Yeah, the Skeksis and the other ones. That's quite a good reference. Brothers, sisters, join me in the afterworld. Ascend! Ascend! Ascend! Eli, hold on to something. Hold on. Everything's being sucked off.

Oh, God. Oh, the corpses. Everything's being sucked off! Oh God! All the corpses! Everything's being sucked off! It's all being sucked into the air! Into that big white glowing void in the sky! Jesus Christ! Hold on, Scythe! I'm holding on! Hold on, Scythe! Eli, you alive? Yeah, I seem to be. Yeah, me too.

And look, the church is fine. Everything, did you saw that though? Everyone was dying. Everything just got sucked off. No, there's nothing. It's absolutely as if nothing happened here at all. But there's no one here. No one.

Hello? That's weird. That's very... I'm even beginning to forget what happened. Huh. What are we doing here? I don't know. Let's...

Just go home. Let's go home. Do another episode of Cheap Show next week. Another one next week, yeah. Same old, same old shit. I've got some crisps or something. Yeah, I've got some fucking stupid board games. Shall we?

Shall we? Yeah. All right, mate. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll see you later. Actually, do you fancy a drink? Well. Come on.

Let's go to the Smotham Pickle for a drink. Okay. All right. Now, come on, then. Oh, here's the church. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm very late, but... Oh. Oh, here's the church. Oh, oh, I'm very late, but... Oh, hang on. There's nothing here.

There's nobody here. Oh, grumpy, have you got the wrong day again, you old fuddy-duddy? Always forgetting stuff. Oh, no, the day's right. Oh, that's very peculiar. Oh, okay, well, I suppose I'll just

go home. What was that? Very strange. Ruff ruff. Ruff ruff. Ruff ruff. Ruff ruff. Ruff ruff. Yeah, fine.

And that's that.