CheapShow - Ep 351: Reboot

Starting point is 00:00:00 We are now in the cold open zone. Zone, zone. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Paul Gannon. That isn't a cold open. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon, and this is Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Thank you for joining us.

Starting point is 00:00:11 Right, so we're not doing a cold open. It is the show where... Can I just stop you? We're not doing a cold open. We're doing an intro. Okay, fine. Start again. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon, and welcome to Cheap...

Starting point is 00:00:20 We are doing a cold open. This is it, but I'm putting the cold open... It's not cold. That's just an intro. Yeah, but then we don't have to do the intro after the credits then do we I'm just doing it as part of that

Starting point is 00:00:27 it's more professional fine which means exactly what means exactly that there is no cold open there's an intro then the credits and then into the show

Starting point is 00:00:34 hello I'm Eli do you want a cold open but do you want something random and stupid that has no consequence at all no I don't but you just said that's what you were going to do

Starting point is 00:00:41 so I expected it and then you said hello my name is Paul Gannon yeah because my cold open was going to be. Yeah, and the card opened. So I expected it, and then you said, hello, my name is Paul Gannon. Yeah, because my card open was going to be much more professional. And up front, don't click your fingers. I'll fucking snap them off. Fuck you. Stop getting violent and angry.

Starting point is 00:00:53 This is a new entry point for all new listeners. And I don't want it besmirched with your stupid, clumsy fuckwittering. You'll see on telly tomorrow. Oh, did I? We can't use this. We can't use this. We can't use this. This is terrible. You're ruining this.

Starting point is 00:01:09 I'm just on a warm-up mission. You're doing this. I was doing a nice, lovely, normal, cold open, generic, fine, front door. Let them in. Come on in. Wipe your feet on the floor before you come in. That kind of cold open. All right?

Starting point is 00:01:21 I don't need this fucking mouth gobblery gobshite from you. It's not gobblery gobshite. It is. That wasn't nonsense. It was just bad humour. It is. Your bad humour. That was in bad taste, and I don't think you should leave it in. Well, I'm going to leave this comment in at least, which reflects upon the moment you said that. Let's just start again. No, I'm not going to start again. This is

Starting point is 00:01:37 an absolute catastrophe from the plan that we discussed earlier, Paul. No, the plan was, don't interrupt me when I'm doing the cold open, and you instantly interrupted me. Because it wasn't a cold open i was literally trying to be professional you started something wasn't a cold open oh i i give up i think it's best you leave i'm gonna leave i think it's best you go i think i think you've had your time i don't need you anymore you have no no cachet here where you do you go? Just go, go on. I will.

Starting point is 00:02:07 Go on. This is ridiculous. This is not how this was meant to go. It's never like that with us, is it? It's never like that with us. This was meant to be

Starting point is 00:02:15 a reboot. We're life's runners up, Eli. You said reboot twice. We're life's runners up. We're not even a bronze medal kind of podcast. I'm back, everybody,

Starting point is 00:02:24 by the way hello oh fucking welcome to Cheap Show no no no no press the fucking credits oh oh

Starting point is 00:02:44 oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I hate you. I got a fucking evil posse. Jeep show time! I hate you. I got fucking you with a posse. It's the price of shite. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not fighting you, okay? I just want to say that Don't, you look, you're sitting there, you've got an aggro pose I've got my aggro pose on So don't, I'm not fighting, I'm Eli Silverman, hello everyone

Starting point is 00:03:35 Hello, my name is Paul Gannon and this is a podcast called Cheap Show And it's a podcast with me, Eli, and him, Paul Scanlon Paul Scanlon Paul Scanlon. Paul Scanlon. Paul Scanlon. First new character of the new era. No new characters. Oh, I'm Paul Scanlon. No.

Starting point is 00:03:55 I like Muller Corners. You're like, I'm Paul Scanlon and I like Muller Rice. That's what you've got. Not rice, Corners. Right, okay. Fruit Corner. I'm looking for the blue Raz one that's out soon. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is the economy comedy.

Starting point is 00:04:08 No, seriously, I just get this done. No, I think for people who may be joining us. Not for people. Name them. Not for people. For, F-O-R. For them. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:18 You understand that? Yeah, what I'm saying? Of course I understand. I'm just, I don't know if you've picked up on this. Rubbing you the wrong way. You're giving me a rub needle. I'm giving you a rub the wrong way. You're giving me a needle rub. I'm just, I don't know if you've picked up on this, rubbing you the wrong way. Yeah, give me a rub needle. I'm giving you a rub the wrong way. You're giving me a needle rub.

Starting point is 00:04:27 I'm stroking down, not up. I'm doing that. Oh, come on. Come on. It's always tugging down, Eli. You're not tugging shit. It's worse to tug down than pull up, isn't it? Think about it.

Starting point is 00:04:37 They're both part of a holistic hole that... Yeah? Don't give me. Don't give me. I'll give you a holistic hole, mate. Paul! This is meant to be a reboot. This is meant to be an episode where we can just say hello. We can just start again.

Starting point is 00:04:53 No. I believe this is who we are now. It's not who I am. It's nine years almost of this. What kind of podcast is it, Paul? So let's just be true to ourselves. Let's just be true to ourselves. What is the true self, though, Paul?

Starting point is 00:05:06 Well, it's a mask. It's an internal... I mean, this isn't me, is it? What is identity itself, Paul? That is not you. That's not the you I know. The you I know is not there right now. You're perceiving an image of me.

Starting point is 00:05:16 That is your image of me. I've got some kind of, like, homunculi version of you in my head. Do you know what a homunculi is? Uh, no. You don't know what a homunculi is? It's some kind of, like, creature. It's not brandish the word homunculi.? Er, no. You don't know what a homunculi is? It's some kind of like creature. Brandish the word homunculi. It's like a creature, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:05:28 Made of all the creatures. No. A homunculi is like a little man who lives inside of you. Is it? Yes, it's a metaphor for... Is that Paul Scanlon? Paul Scanlon lives inside of me.

Starting point is 00:05:40 Oh! And he lives inside of all of you out there. And do you know what he calls for in the night what Muller Corners where's me Muller he's obsessed with Blue Raz

Starting point is 00:05:49 where's me Muller and Blue Raz now Paul imagine yourself now can you just do this little exercise for me eventually we'll start

Starting point is 00:05:56 this podcast I'm sorry I know a lot of people complain about like podcasts where they ramble about for ages without getting to the meat of it

Starting point is 00:06:02 and it gets in the way there is no meat but can I just say our podcast is 100% no meat. It's just... Just in case this is your first experience. It's 100% no meat. There's a conceit,

Starting point is 00:06:12 but no meat. That's what I was trying to get to, Paul. That's a new phrase, isn't it? Because of the... Cheap show. All conceit, no meat. Now, that's what I was trying to get to, Paul. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:23 Perhaps we should have some sympathy and a welcoming position towards anyone who may have, you know, just spotted the new logo. Oh, what's that? They've cried. Yes. I'll give that a go. I'm on the market for a new podcast. Oh, I'm fresh out of podcast.

Starting point is 00:06:39 I'm in the market. Oh. I'm in the market. There's the fish stall. There's the veg stall. And there is Cheap Show. Angela, get me bucket. I'm out for podcasting. Right. I'm in the market. There's the fish stall. There's the veg stall. And there is Cheap Show. Angela, get me bucket. I'm out for podcasting in the fjords.

Starting point is 00:06:50 Why would you need a bucket? To sieve them. You put holes in the bucket. You scoop the bucket in the pod. What tool are you going to use to put holes in the bucket with? You haven't got nothing to do that with. Screwdriver. Angela, get me a screwdriver.

Starting point is 00:07:02 I'm going pod fjording. Pod fjording. I'm going podfjording. Podfjording. I'm going to the fjords for pods. Oh, don't. Start doing voices. By the end of this episode, there will be 1,700 new characters, all from me. You're trying to repopulate them. Yeah, no. Should we just do this again from the scratch?

Starting point is 00:07:19 That's what I'm trying to fucking say, mate. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. My name is Paul Gannon, and welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast. With me every week, as always, is... Eli Silverman. Hi, everyone. And what do we do every week, Eli? We go through the charity shops, the bargain bins, the discount stores and jumble sales, sometimes bazaars of this Great Britain and further abroad sometimes, and bring you the treasure that we find amongst that trash, Paul.

Starting point is 00:07:42 We do indeed. And this week we are bringing you such lovely treasures that have been delivered to us via the medium of P.O. Box. Because we have one. And if you want to send us stuff to the P.O. Box, it is on our website. It's also in the metadata for this podcast in the app that you're playing this out of. Why don't you just remember the... Why don't you remember what the website is? I can. What is it?

Starting point is 00:08:03 It's www. Yeah. Nine years. Thecheapshow.co.uk. We've had the website for eight. Thecheapshow.co.uk. I refuse to acknowledge whether that was correct or not. Why? That was correct. Because it was

Starting point is 00:08:19 fucking correct. Because it's the first time ever you've ever fucking got on it right. I do know it now. I know i know things what's our email then uh info at no it's really not info at no no info at no no info it is thecheapshow.co.uk no that's the website oh this has got to be it's meant to be a reboot and it is catastrophic in here, the feeling of failure. So on this week's episode, we're doing two segments, segments familiar to long-term listeners to the show. But just explain them for the new listeners, Paul.

Starting point is 00:08:54 That's the plan. For all the hundreds of new listeners. That's the plan, dipshit. I know what I'm doing. Get off me back. I can help. I don't need your help. You could say, what's this segment?

Starting point is 00:09:04 And then I'll go, and that's a segment where blah, blah, blah. Yeah, do you want to try that? How have we been doing this so long? We're so bad at this. Yeah, we are absolutely terrible. I went to see Gareth Reynolds in London last week.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Oh yeah, how was that? He blanked me. This is some kind of game that you're building up because I saw the photo. Yeah, but it was under duress. What do you mean duress? Because I went up to him

Starting point is 00:09:24 and I went, it's me, Paul. Remember your best mate? Because you said we'd hang out? And he was like, mm-hmm. And he kind of looked through me, not at me. And I went to shake a hand and he then turned to look at someone else. And so I popped in for a picture and he shouted fine for fuck's sake.

Starting point is 00:09:39 We took the picture and then he moved on and he went, please go away. I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sorry to hear this. But I think that was just him being a bit of a fun time Charlie. You know what I mean? I think ultimately he was teasing. He just didn't want to seem too pally with me in public.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Why are you talking like this? It's true. Why are you talking like this? It's true. I think he loves me. I think that was just a game he was playing hard to get. Fine. He's in there. I'm not particularly interested in this. I've got his pin. Fine. He didn't want to be over-familiar.

Starting point is 00:10:05 I'm not particularly interested in this. I've got his pin badge, though. See, it's up there. Has he got a pin badge? Of Jose. Oh, I see it. Oh, so cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:13 Getting a bit like he should just be straight with me, all right? Because I can't take these games of love. I don't know why you're doing this bit. If you're listening, Gareth, just reply to my five letters. I don't know why you're doing this bit. Reply to the third one, the third email. We haven't discussed this, you doing a bit. I was just actually interested to know what happened.

Starting point is 00:10:34 But it's all this obfuscation, isn't it? All right, I'll do the boring version. I went to see his show, and it was nice, and it was a good show. And there were two hecklers who he dealt with very professionally and formed it into his material quite well. He's always very good at that. He was very nice, and he went, hello, Paul paul and i said thank you for doing the podcast and he went no worries and then i gave him a badge and he gave me his badge and i didn't have to pay for it because he knew it was my birthday and then we did a couple of pictures and i said take care and he

Starting point is 00:10:58 went goodbye and i went outside for a cigarette and i stared at him and watched him as 20 other people took his time off. I wanted to be all 20 people. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. You've got another 17 of those to do. I'm not doing 17 more hellos. Who do you think I am, Lionel Richie? So you've pulled the steam out, haven't you? I've pulled the steam out. You're going to have to snip, snip, snip on that.

Starting point is 00:11:28 Of course I'm going to. That's what I do, mate. I make gold out of shredded wheat. You are the cosmetic surgeon of this podcast. I am. You go and you... Give it a bit of a nip and tuck, don't I? Yes.

Starting point is 00:11:39 It's like the podcast comes in looking fucking ugly. Oh, Paul, Dr. Paul, what can you do oh don't worry cheap show podcast i'll fix you i'm just gonna make an incision here and a cut here and look you're going out into the world there's a beautiful oh it's vaginal is it no so you see no so very interesting you see the podcast this podcast which you are co-founder and you know most important person on as a big damp wet pussy yes which you need to then professionally manipulate and tighten

Starting point is 00:12:12 well this segment's over because frankly I don't like where it's going and I don't agree that this is, I'm not I was going to go along with it for a moment but then it went into very troublesome waters and you know I'm not a fan. So we're moving on, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:12:27 We've got a Price of Shite coming up, and we've got Off-Brand Brand Off. We'll explain it as we fucking go. Right, we're doing the It's a Price of Shite round, and the It's a Price of Shite round has a theme, and that theme, Eli, I presume, goes like this. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite.

Starting point is 00:12:47 Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that is right. Hot. Hot, did you say? Why did you say that? See? It behooved me.

Starting point is 00:12:58 It behooves you to holler hot. It behooved me to holler hot, yes. Okay, good, Paul. So, tell them, Eli, what the stakes are and the rules of the price of shite. There are no stakes. There are no real stakes. There are. They're betwings. They're stakes.

Starting point is 00:13:13 It's bullshit, though, isn't it, at the end of the day? It's just made up. It could be anything. It could be like a gachuga. I've given you three gachugas. I've given you a waffle pull, you know? I've given you a... Tell me more about this waffle pull. Well, it's when you get... No, you know what?

Starting point is 00:13:29 Don't. It's fine. It's a type of wank glove, basically. It's a type of wank glove. A waffle pull. It's like wearing oven mitts or something. Yes, yes. Yeah, all right, good.

Starting point is 00:13:42 Very much so. But those special ones. So a waffle pull is when you wank wearing oven gloves. Yes. All right. No, good. I'm going to try that tonight. Tell me that doesn't work as a coinage.

Starting point is 00:13:51 Now. You'll all be doing it. What did you do last night? Oh, I got a bit drunk and did a waffle pull. Oh, lots of cream on it. Oh. I prefer maple. Now, The Price of Shite is a game, a segment that we've had on this show from time immemorial.

Starting point is 00:14:06 Immemorial? Muriel? Immuriel! We've had a game that's been immuriel for years. And it's very sticky and wet. Now, Paul. Let's give it to Gadot the Surgeon. I can't stop thinking of that vagina walking out of your office. There's no vagina walking out of my office.

Starting point is 00:14:28 How would it even do that? Like with the little bottom bit. Like a shimmy. Like a vagina shimmying out of my office. How else would a vagina walk? It wouldn't. It would just lie there on the floor until you kicked it a bit. If it was a cartoon vagina, it would walk.

Starting point is 00:14:41 Yeah, but if it was a cartoon vagina, it probably had eyes and a mouth and sang show tunes. So it doesn't really matter. Why would you put an extra mouth on a vagina? You just put it, it just sings sideways. It doesn't matter. The Price of Shite is a long-term segment on this podcast, everyone, and it is where we

Starting point is 00:14:55 guess the price of tat, essentially. Items usually found in charity shops across the length of this great country. Usually charity shops, not always. Not always? That's not the rule. No. It's tat of any kind.

Starting point is 00:15:07 Any kind. Anything cheap and unusual or strange or even outwardly awful, we'll take and we'll try to guess the price of. Now, in the early days of the podcast, me and Paul used to go out on little shopping trips and play against each other. We haven't done that in a while, have we? We haven't done that. We need to do that.

Starting point is 00:15:22 No, this is what I'm explaining. But seeing as our popularity grew, Paul, and our beautiful listenership started to get involved, these days they tend to be done by the listeners. And one little extra point for the reboot audience, Paul. Points are known as betwinks. Yes, and they matter. They matter to me.

Starting point is 00:15:39 I know you just tossed them off just there. It matters to me because they're like a Blue Peter badge. You know what I mean? There's something special to this show that everyone wants and not many people get. Not many people. It's a very exclusive club of people who possess betwings, Paul. And if you're in Club Betwing,

Starting point is 00:15:55 then you only watch on with envious eyes. You do. But I've got more betwings than almost everyone else in the whole world, apart from your good self, don't I? So there you go. So I'm happy about my Petwing petition. It's an exclusive club, the Petwing Boys. I'm fully Petwanged out.

Starting point is 00:16:09 We're Petwing Boys. Right. So tell them how we score these items then. You get Petwings. Yes. And what is the scoring? What are the parameters of earning those Petwings? The Petwing...

Starting point is 00:16:20 Fuck's sake. The Petwing correlation points system is as follows, Paul. If you guess the price, that's what this game is about, guessing the price of stuff. If you guess the price and you get it exactly right, you get two petwings. Petwing, petwing, it'll sound. And now, the

Starting point is 00:16:37 follow-up rule to that is if you guess within 25 pence, either way of the actual score, north or south of it, you get one per twing. It's a rule that's done us good stead in our time. And every now and then, there'll be opportunities for bonus per twings, but they come up as and when, depending on the game and the format, because there are some alterations to the game at times.

Starting point is 00:16:58 Sometimes. Variations of the theme. There are. There are different versions, and they have different between accitation, not accitation, acclamation. That's what you get if you want to be the best and you want to see the rest assignation oh assignation's what you need don't do that if you want to be a record breaker don't we have a record breaker album yeah it was terrible have we talked about it on the show i don't know you know what i can't remember anything we talked about it on the show? I don't know. You know what?

Starting point is 00:17:25 I can't remember anything about it. I can't remember nothing past, like, I don't know what happened last week. No. I just remember we went to the park, went to that village, went for a drink and came home. Yeah, but it must have been okay. Now. Yeah. Shut up, because we need to move on.

Starting point is 00:17:41 Assignation, everybody. Different forms of the Price of Shite game as played on Cheap Show have different between assignation properties. Anyway, this one's been sent in to us. Assignation rules. From a bunch of cheeky chaps

Starting point is 00:17:52 who do a podcast called the Killer Rabbit Podcast. And so Adam, Benson and Sam, which I don't believe are their real names because they sound corporately created. Adam.

Starting point is 00:18:03 Adam, Benson. That's probably someone who... Benson, yeah. Benson sounds like a naughty dog in the park. Benson! It was the name of that naughty dog. Was it? Has this podcast got a naughty dog in?

Starting point is 00:18:13 Paul, you have to know that was... We need to get a naughty dog in this podcast. No, we don't need any more naughty dogs. Rah, rah, rah, vaginas. Rah, rah, rah, hot cocks. Oh, naughty dog. Oh. Ralph Benson.

Starting point is 00:18:24 Ralph Benson, the naughty foul dog. No, why are you starting to do this? I shouldn't. Do you know what? I'm going to do a new character. No. Do you know what he is? Roger the fucking dog-killing cunt.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Where's that fucking dog? Ruff, ruff. This is turning me on sexually, stabbing this dog in the head. Sound effects not necessary for this part of the show. Right, so... Sorry about that. They've sent us a few things already, and we've used them in previous episodes.

Starting point is 00:18:51 I think we had a few bites from them and cheap eats on our Wimbledon picnic day out. Wimbledon was where that Benson video was filmed. Wimbledon Common. What's the big conspiracy here? What's the real message? Remember that video? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Let's go Benson! Benson! That was a classic early meme. Was that Wimbledon or not? I that video? Yeah. Let's go Benson! Benson! That was a classic early meme. Was that Wimbledon or not? I thought it was Richmond. It was a common, one of those commons.

Starting point is 00:19:10 Yeah, anyway. Look, anyway, they have a price of shite for us and the points they've put into an envelope. The answers are in a separate envelope.

Starting point is 00:19:19 It's sealed. I can see it's sealed, Paul. No shenanigans has gone on. The effigy of Mulchie Fibbage who exists outside the canon of Characters in Chiefs, though, to ratify

Starting point is 00:19:28 this particular appearance, will be protecting it. So there's Mulchie. Mulchie sitting there. You can see photos of Mulchie on our website. Looking after the prices so no one can sneak their fingers in. I'm happy with that, Paul. Mulchie's got a nice flat bottom. Right. They said all of these were purchased

Starting point is 00:19:43 in lovely leads, which is rich in charitable offerings. Rich in charitable offerings. Right. They said all of these were purchased in lovely Leeds, which is rich in charitable offerings. Rich in charitable offerings. Yes. The items come from three different charity shops in the form of PDSA. Don't know what that one is

Starting point is 00:19:55 off the top of my head. That's an animal one. Okay. It's got the blue logo. No, PDSA, it's pets or something. Pet, doctors, sucker,

Starting point is 00:20:03 arses. I mean, no one needs you to say that about them. Peanut Dalmatians. You're saying vets suck arses. Pet doctors. Pet doctors suck arses, yes. This is what you're implying. If a dog gets bitten on the arse by a bad snake,

Starting point is 00:20:18 right, and he goes, oh, there's only one way I need to help your doggy, and that is I have to put my arse on its mouth and suck out the venom. Put your arse on the is I have to put my arse on its mouth and suck out the venom put your arse on the dog's mouth no my dog my mouth and the dog's arse

Starting point is 00:20:28 yes that's obviously what you meant are you a real vet oh I've been rumbled St Gemma's Hospice and the British Heart Foundation St Gemma's

Starting point is 00:20:43 that sounds like a local one often the hospices are very much locally based. Yeah. Because we have the North London Hospice here in North London, don't we? Yeah. And that's not even in this part of North London. What you have in St Luke's is the equivalent here, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:20:55 I presume so. I guess every region has their own kind of hospice, which needs a charity shop. They are the most localised charity shops, I believe. So there are five items, Eli. Oh, we can play this together. Great. I'll get me book and, we can play this together. Great. I'll get me book and me pen out in a minute.

Starting point is 00:21:06 Okay. The cost of the items overall is £9.28. Okay, good. So, they say usual between rules apply here. Sweet. I love the attention to detail that Benson, Ralph, and Johnny McTell have given to... The 28's interesting, though, because it throws into, you know, it throws this kind of certainty up into the air with prices

Starting point is 00:21:29 because 76p is this one. Oh, yeah. 24 pence. I think we both know from long experience, Paul, it doesn't pay to worry too much about that. That's why the Petwing service factors in these variations and offers Petwings when appropriate. Yeah. What you will find, because of the structure of the Petwing Service factors in these variations and offers Petwings when appropriate. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:46 What you will find, because of the structure of the Petwing assignation rules that we follow mostly, is that we try to sort of go in increments of 25p. You know, we both also know the most Petwings you get are going to be the 25p ones. It's hard to get it on the nose, isn't it? It's very rare, but when it happens happens it is quite the exalted day and i would go so far as to say paul that most of the times you've got a jarzy double between on the nose it's been when you've guessed it a quid because you're essentially just lazy but so it works so i would like to see you argue the fact that i still get legitimate points what i'm saying is that it doesn't the the £9.28 doesn't add anything,

Starting point is 00:22:26 because neither of us are going to do a fucking calculation to the nearest penny and try and get it on there. It don't really matter. So, are we ready to go? Are we ready to go? I'm enjoying this now. Are we ready to go? It's either yes or no, and if no, I'll just stop.

Starting point is 00:22:39 No. And the games begin. So. How many items? Five. And the first begin. So... How many items? Five. And the first one is this. He's handing me a small cardboard box. This is a gyroscope.

Starting point is 00:22:52 This is a toy I had as a child. Did you? Absolutely, yeah. I never had a gyroscope as a kid. It demonstrates the rotation of the Earth. Does it? Yeah. It's basically a fancy spinning top though, right?

Starting point is 00:23:03 No, it's balanced. It self-balances itself because of its construction. It's basically a fancy spinning top though, right? No, it's balanced. It self-balances itself because of its construction. It's not just a spinning top. It's a spinning top within a stationary frame. It says here, gyroscope may or not be working. I haven't opened it. Okay, should we have a go then? We've got a little table here.

Starting point is 00:23:20 Oh, that's quite a nice looking one, isn't it? Or it comes with a rip pull, whatever they call it. Yeah, that's what you rip. Yeah. Oh, that's quite a nice looking one, isn't it? Or it comes with a rip pull, whatever they call it. Yeah, that's what you rip. Yeah. This is very much, the box design is very much... Retro. ...atom punk, isn't it? It's like 50s style, which they do with all of these sort of classic toys now

Starting point is 00:23:34 to try and re-flog them, don't they? You always see it like a slide whistle made of wood or a harmonica or a kazoo and they come in like retro 50s boxes. And this box is sort of the colour of old school cardboard or paper bags. That fake aged kind of... Yeah, very... This is quite nice, the design. Look, you've got little playing cards and little kids' faces.

Starting point is 00:23:53 They're eye-catching. They do the job, but they don't interest me. I know. And it's also a way of selling old crap. Yeah. For lots of money. Yeah. Overpriced old crap.

Starting point is 00:24:03 Because a lot of it's just very simple wooden toys. I mean, I know this is different. But you know who else has got on that sort of bandwagon in recent years? Fisher Price. They're selling versions of their... That's good. I mean, because they're classic toys of some sort.

Starting point is 00:24:16 Yeah, and they're still, when you think about them, appropriate for children then as they are now, I guess. Now, we've got this little stand here. It looks like a little traffic car. It does look like a little orange traffic don't worry i'll take a picture of this and it'll be on our website thecheapshow.co.uk right all right so you put it in the top of the traffic cone and then you no that didn't work it collapsed almost instantly he didn't do it hard enough he's put the gyroscope back on the little traffic cone pivot he's going to feed in the rip pull now into

Starting point is 00:24:45 the grooves of this. It's like a UFO surrounded in a kind of little cage, isn't it? The cage is what does it. Yeah, it's the cage. He's pulling it. You've got to pull it hard and fast. Oh, that's better. Go on. There we go. Oh! See, it's stable-ish. When it keeps the speed up, it's stable.

Starting point is 00:25:01 Hey! I thought it might have lasted longer than that. Well, maybe I didn't lasted longer than that. Can I have a go? Where do you feed it? At the top. Oh, yeah, I see. You see? Works nicely. Give it a good tug. A one, a two, a three. That was too hard. I broke it.

Starting point is 00:25:20 Oh, dear. I broke it off. I broke it off. Oh, no, I got it fixed. I pulled it too hard. No, it just Oh dear. I broke it off. I broke it off. Oh no, I've got to fix it. I pulled it too hard. No, it just came out of the bracket. Give it a go again. Okay. I know what I did wrong there. Don't give it too hard because it unlocks the keys. Let the teeth come out.

Starting point is 00:25:37 The ripple has little teeth on and there's a little cog essentially at the top. Here we go. Don't pull it too hard. But fast but not too fast. God, you're doing much worse than me. He's thrown it on the floor in rage. Fucking load of shit, crap, bollocks.

Starting point is 00:25:54 Alright, so that's our first item. How much do you think it is, you? Have you got paper? Who's guessing first? How many items do we have in total? Five, overall price £9. price, £9.28. £9.28. So I'm going to say, and it was in Leeds, and it's in its box.

Starting point is 00:26:09 You know, Leeds is quite costly, actually, for a northern town. Is it? I've found so. I'm projecting that they've bumped up their prices erroneously because they're a metropolitan thriving city. It's quite metropolitan for that part of the world, isn't it? Yeah. Go on.

Starting point is 00:26:22 How much do you think? I think it's like £3. Okay. world, isn't it? Yeah. Go on. And what did you think? I think it's like three pounds. Okay. I'm going to say three pounds. I was going to say 250. Well, you say 250 then, Paul. And I am.

Starting point is 00:26:33 There we go. Okay, that's our first item out of the way. Next item is... What's this, Eli? Ah-ha-ha. Now, he's handed me a Coco Pops bowl. Plastic bowl. Plastic bowl. And this very... I like this.

Starting point is 00:26:46 Yeah. Because the design of this little plastic bowl utilizes a design selling point. Yes. A unique selling point that Coco Pops always used to brag about, Paul. Which is? Well, you put your milk on your Coco Pops and then eventually all the Coco Pops choccy comes off the choccy pops and goes into the milky plops. And then you could just slurp down the lovely cold chocolate milk at the end.

Starting point is 00:27:08 It makes the milk chocolatey. I mean, that's one way of putting it, yeah. But I like my way because it was more verbose. I mean, it's almost like milk, milk, lemonade. I don't know why you still find that funny. I've updated it, by the way. Milk, milk, mayonnaise, round the corner, gravies made. I made it a beefier thing.

Starting point is 00:27:36 That's more realistic, isn't it? I made it more stock. Made in our time of life. That's much more realistic. I guess, actually, you could chunk it all up and just go, cheese, cheese, mayonnaise, round the corner, gravy's made. How about that? Oxo.

Starting point is 00:27:50 Oh. Yes, Paul. Cheese, cheese, mayonnaise, round the corner. Because it's a... Cheese doesn't come out a lady's bosom. No, but nothing... Neither does milk. Oh, no, milk does.

Starting point is 00:28:00 Yes, thank you. But then chocolate and... Are you saying you've got some kind of infection? Chocolate doesn't come out of anyone's bumhole, does it? But we still and metal... Are you saying you've got some kind of infection? Chocolate doesn't come out of anyone's bumhole, does it? But we still say that. So it makes no odds,

Starting point is 00:28:08 does it? Oat milk, oat milk, lemonade, round the corner, Oxo's made. Cheese, cheese,

Starting point is 00:28:14 mayonnaise, round the corner, Oxo's made. Yeah. What I'm saying is it makes the milk chocolatey. So in our,

Starting point is 00:28:22 in this version, that ascertains to this bowl, Paul, it's milk, milk,ertains to this bowl, Paul, it's milk, milk on the Cocoa Pops, chocolate's made. Yeah. Right. And they have a lemonade on the side you could... Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:28:32 Just get on with it. This bowl has a built-in plastic straw. It's got a straw in it so you can slurp the chocolate. They did always go on about it makes the milk chocolatey. That used to be my favourite part. Did it really, though? Yeah. It just made it...

Starting point is 00:28:44 Bring the bowl to your face and slurp it down. It really tasted of chocolate, though. Yeah, it did. I put loads of Coco Pops in mine. That's why it did. You like Coco Pops? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:52 My name's Coco. I'm a monkey like you. I live in the jungle, not in the zoo. I keep my pyjamas in a big red box, but I'd rather have sex with Samantha Fox. That's what I was told

Starting point is 00:29:03 in school was the song. At the bottom of this bowl it says, sip up the chocolatey milk kids. That sounds like a threat. It does. And it's your turn to guess the price. Do you like it? I like it as an item. If I was younger, I'd probably, I would lap it up. It's fine. What I'm not

Starting point is 00:29:17 so keen on. Now I would have used a straw. What I'm not so keen on, Paul. It's got schmutz in. It's got schmutz bits in. To be fair, the schmutz comes from the packaging because there were crisps in the box there's a little crisp fragment

Starting point is 00:29:27 crisp crumbs in the bottom of my bowl cripsy crisp crumbs twan pole twan pole twan pole upon my bowl I don't know what the price is

Starting point is 00:29:35 I'm going to say for that you've got to guess the price now I'm going to say two quid two quid he says two quid he says

Starting point is 00:29:44 two quid he says I'm going to go he says. Two quid, he says. I'm going to go £1.75. £1.75. I'm going to say £1.75 on that. I'm locking it in. I've got a rubber on this pencil. I can change it. We can go back afterwards.

Starting point is 00:29:56 If you want. Next item. Oh, is this, Eli? Tell me what it is. I think we've had this before. I certainly have something similar. This is a mustard pot. Now, what's the use of a mustard pot?

Starting point is 00:30:07 Why don't you just get it out of the jar? I know. Why do you need it? I don't know. I think it's a remnant of a different time. You know, when you had your own butter tray and a teapot for making tea and cutlery sets, and for your roast dinner,

Starting point is 00:30:20 you put the gravy in the gravy boat and you'd have your mustard pot there. It was all delivered on surface plates of some kind and bowls yes but it was to do with keeping up appearances it was to do with it yeah like you wouldn't it would be um vulgar to just put just stick a jar on the thing so it's sort of a class thing isn't it it's sort of like it's just a way of presentation yeah yeah which is fine it's a remnant from that Not many people use it Really these days Apart from maybe your nan That's what I'm saying My nan's dead

Starting point is 00:30:48 No I mean The universal nan The universal nan I am the universal nan Oh Hold me back Oh I like the voice Oh

Starting point is 00:31:00 Why are you riding a cloud? That's what I mean to her Give me a minute tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock it's my morality scooter alright good Paul this might be our worst

Starting point is 00:31:15 mortality scooter this is a little mustard pot everybody a little yellow pot of mustard colour Octavius was on our show A little mustard pot, everybody. A little yellow pot of mustard colour. Octavius was on our show. And they were there for this. Yes.

Starting point is 00:31:30 And we made a lot of jokes about filling it up with spunk. Which we won't be doing today. No. Because I would argue it would take one big dollop of poo to fill that. One solid log would choke that pot. Why do you have to say stuff like that? I don't want to be predictable, do I? I don't want it to all be spunk-based humour.

Starting point is 00:31:49 Mate, you've been on the poo train for years now. Get on, get on, get on, get on, get on my pooey train. Get on the pooey train. I'm the universal nan. Right. It's quite a nice little thing. It has a smiley face. It's mustard flake coloured. Yeah, said that. It's quite a nice little thing It has a smiley face It's mustard coloured

Starting point is 00:32:06 Yeah Said that It's been cleaned well There's no mustard Odour Lingering No Coleman's

Starting point is 00:32:13 It's Coleman's branded I like this item You do It's my favourite item so far Yeah I like the feel of it When you put the lid on It's got a nice fit

Starting point is 00:32:20 Or action Yeah On the lid And has a nice hole Where you'd put your Little mustard spoon little mustard spoon. Little mustard spoon, a delicate wee spoon. I can't see myself using it.

Starting point is 00:32:29 No, but you could put buttons in. I don't need to keep buttons. You could put gummy bears in it. And it is from the mustard shop, which is in Norwich. Where Norwich is the home of, universal home of mustard, isn't it? What do you mean the universal home of mustard? When people think of mustard, they think of Norwich. Well, that's where Coleman's is from.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Yeah. But recently sold out to one of these huge mega-cores. A craft or something. And so it isn't manufactured in Norwich anymore, I think. In the last few years, I think that's changed. Nice. How much do you think it is? Your turn to guess first, then.

Starting point is 00:33:01 Ooh, baby. Come on, love. I'm going to go two on this two so so far you have spent three four five six six pounds 75 and i've got and i've got two more items and i am gonna say that is i'm gonna say 175 oh which is what you said for the other one. But I'm going to say 175 for that. Our price guesses have just reversed for the last two answers. They're kind of bouncing around, aren't they? Next item, fourth one.

Starting point is 00:33:33 Oh, two toy trucks. Two toy trucks. One is a old school PG Tips truck. Has it got a monkey on? It's got something on the van. Is it just one of those ladies who collect

Starting point is 00:33:49 the tea leaves in the box? Yeah, it's one of those ladies in a headdress. Headdress. Yeah, that's right. They got rid of that. Is it monkeys now? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:33:57 I think they got rid of the monkeys ages ago and then they brought back a monkey. You know, the monkey. Which is made out of that one up there. There's one in here.

Starting point is 00:34:04 Yeah, I've got one up there. And it's in the the pg green and red colors there's a red roof and the green it's like a 1930s kind of delivery van look isn't it nice weight to it it's a nice little toy these are the kind of things that you need for like get attached to a box of the product itself because when they used to do that you'd buy a box of like 120 tea bags by pg tips it would come with a free toy car on the front and a little separate box it feels like it's one of those kind of items they used to have so many promotional items in boxes of tea didn't they you had cigarette cards but you also had the ones in in tea boxes didn't you for years well like my mum would get tea bags just because they came with a little porcelain house and you could build up a whole

Starting point is 00:34:43 street of cottages and little houses that came with them. Or the little men tea, Tetley's tea men. Yeah. With the, ee up, ee lad, ee, Tetley tea. Yeah. You know, she loved all those little figurines of the Tetley men. I like all that stuff. They don't really do that, going for that.

Starting point is 00:34:58 Back in the day, you'd have the Tetley men, you had the Lurpak butter boys, or you'd never put a better bit of butter on your knife. You had those, what, the Bakewell, not the Bakewell. Oh, yeah, the man with the bowler hats. What's his name? There was loads of them. Well, no, there was only one of them, but they used to get them in different sizes.

Starting point is 00:35:15 No, they used to have adverts where they were talking to each other. The Home Pride men. Home Pride. Stan the Home Pride man or something. Was that Lurpak was the guy who played the trombone? Well, there was two Lurpak because there was the Lurpak animated yokels who were like

Starting point is 00:35:27 never put a butter butter butter on your knife but then there was also the little animation Aardman animation style butter man. The second of these

Starting point is 00:35:37 are these one-eyed Weetabix skinheads? Did they make toys of those? I'm pretty sure they might have but I'm just saying Okay! But what I'm saying is in general, right brands don't really come up with cartoon characters anymore to sell them not not really not mainstream

Starting point is 00:35:51 brands well it's all sort of more like um anime style you know 3d sort of things isn't it it's all about the logo itself and what was the second van second van is a yellow and red very same shade of yellow as the cole's pot, really. Shredded wheat. Oh, nice. What's the thing about shredded wheat that you can't eat two of them or something? Yes, because they're so terrible. Like in one go, in one sitting, you can't eat two.

Starting point is 00:36:15 You can't have one at seven o'clock and then when you come back at like midday, you go, oh, I can't do that now. Shredded wheat just wasn't a good product, I don't think. No. It was boring. It was hard, arduous. I preferred mini shredded wheat. That's what I mean. Shreddies, they wasn't a good product, I don't think. It was boring. It was hard, arduous. I preferred mini shredded wheat. That's what I mean. Shreddies, they're called, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:36:29 No, Shreddies were something else. I think they come from the same company. Shreddies, I like. They're those square brown ones, right? I like frosted Shreddies. Oh, can you get frosted ones? Yeah. I'll just have them with some milk, sprinkle some sugar on myself. It's all good, mate. It's all good, but I like a nice box of Shreddies.

Starting point is 00:36:45 I really do at times. Really satisfying. It's a great cereal. I agree. There's something about the way it soaks up the milk. But still retains a crunch around the edges. Yeah. They're good, aren't they?

Starting point is 00:36:54 We've never had this conversation before. We need to get some Shreddies on this show. They're great. Stat. We need to get Shreddies stat. Shredded wheat is very much a second rate to those, though, isn't it? But are those little, what were they called? The little mini shredded wheat.

Starting point is 00:37:06 Is that what they were called? Yeah, mini shredded wheat were more palatable because they were smaller. I much prefer those. Yeah. What were those core? Corn nuts. Didn't they have like iced sugared mini shredded wheats? Wheaties.

Starting point is 00:37:16 Remember you used to get a little tiny little thing, but they had like sugared coated like frozen. Were those called wheaties? I never got into those. I used to love them, but like they don't make them no more. Oh, I was a boy in a field of weeds. Well, you know what you can get now? What?

Starting point is 00:37:30 Jaws cereal. Yeah, but it's just generic shitty cereal with the logo on. You can get Back to the Future cereal, and it's all the same muck. This is one item, then. One item, two items, one price. Acting as one item. Say anything in here. This is very much like the car that the um okay so these are sold as one item and must be judged in price as such they say who's with it who were who were those gangsters in wacky races uh the something gang

Starting point is 00:37:56 the purple gang the the mill mob the mill the gang that's like their car it is anyway how much do you think it is? Is it my turn to guess first? Is it? Yeah, because you guessed first with the... That's right. It is your turn. Your turn to guess the price now, Paul. We're coming up to... We don't want to go over the £9.28 on our guesses.

Starting point is 00:38:18 I don't know. I think I'm going to be on there, but I'm going to say for both of these, they were £1.50. They're very collectible I saw a Dr Pepper old vintage Dr Pepper one which was nice

Starting point is 00:38:29 mint on card I mean these are modern versions of old things I mean what's the name of the company that makes this Ledo yeah that's the same

Starting point is 00:38:35 as my the one promotional model made in England in the 80s that could have been made though because that one I bought could have been made last week

Starting point is 00:38:41 I bought a replica Brixton tram do you remember? Yeah. And it had 1983 on it. So it was mint from 1983. Oh, this is Matchbox. This is a separate one.

Starting point is 00:38:51 Oh, that's a different... This was probably older then. Matchbox. The PG Tips one is Matchbox. Mate, this says 1979. Yeah. So that's what I mean. They're quite old.

Starting point is 00:39:01 It says an A Ford, Model A Ford, Matchbox International 1979, made in Handau? I guess that they... Macau? Macau, yeah. They lose all of their sort of collectability to like serious... That's in good nick of it for 1979.

Starting point is 00:39:16 Yeah. Must have just been sitting in a... Box or a collector's shelf. You can see somewhere, actually, when you put it in front of the light, you can see some sort of... It's still in very good condition, though. Look at the windows.

Starting point is 00:39:24 They're kind of clouded a bit, aren't they? A bit cloudy, yeah. But no, you're right. Oh, that's in lovely nick, isn't it? When you look at the back, no scratches. This hasn't been played with by a strike. I reckon it's been in a collection, like on a shelf for years.

Starting point is 00:39:34 But that's what this charity shop that I went into in Highgate, they had all loads of these. Oh, you did say... But they're all Ledo ones, and they're all in their boxes, like mint on card. How much, though?

Starting point is 00:39:44 And those boxes didn't... You know where their little hook, where they're all in their boxes like mint on card and those boxes you know with their little hook where they hook that was still there on them so they were pristine and they were from

Starting point is 00:39:50 1983 and I bought a tram for a fiver and then I went and did some business around town and I thought

Starting point is 00:39:58 I'm going to go past there again and I saw the Dr Pepper van in the window if that's a fiver if they're all a fiver I'm definitely getting that Dr Pepper van how much was it it was 20 the Dr Pepper van in the window. If that's a fiver, if they're all a fiver, I'm definitely getting that Dr Pepper van.

Starting point is 00:40:06 How much was it? It was 20, the Dr Pepper van. So someone's obviously looked through them all. They have different collectability values. How much do you think that is? So that's why I'm quite surprised on the face of it, the quality of these two items. I'm quite surprised that they are put together as one lot.

Starting point is 00:40:22 I'm quite surprised about that. Maybe all of these were 50p and this two set was like £8.50. Wouldn't that be a twist? Also, I'd fucking punch these guys if that was the truth. You come on our show and you fucking mess with our format, you cheeky bastards. I've got a fucking stick of pencil in your eyes.

Starting point is 00:40:38 What's the price? Fuck me! What did you guess? £1.50. Remember when I did that eight years ago? Come on! I think £2. Remember when I did that eight years ago? Come on. I think £2.20. And the final item, Eli, is there. It is Top Trump's Tall Ships Edition. Only the tallest ships need apply.

Starting point is 00:40:57 Now, I despise Top Trumps. I do. I find them boring. But then I'm not a fan of any game based around collecting or swapping cards. What does this mean, Paul? I've pulled out a card. It says cheese box on it and there's a grid what the fuck is that what is the cheese box all of these cards have cheese box written on the back of them oh wait turn it around is this just the back of the cards yeah so the company cheese box is the company called cheese box i mean these

Starting point is 00:41:19 artificial top trumps are they yeah super top trumps wumps. Waddingtons. That's the company. Not cheese box. What's cheese box then? It says fucking cheese box. What do you want from me? Why has it got cheese box on the back? I don't know. And they all have

Starting point is 00:41:32 cheese box on the back. Yeah. Apart from the cover card which says cheese box. What does cheese box... You know what? What? If I don't have a shower

Starting point is 00:41:41 for a couple of days... You build up a bit of a cheese box. Exactly. Yeah, mate. Milk, lemonade, round the corner cheese box, mate. Well, I'll come over to your mic. Yeah, you come over to my mic.

Starting point is 00:41:51 Go on. I'm reading the back because the lighting here is terrible. Playing instructions, cheese box. The back of this quartet can be used for a further game. Oh, a further game, he says. Which is known... This is interesting, isn't it? I've never seen this.

Starting point is 00:42:04 I've never played Cheesebox. Which is known amongst school children as the popular Cheesebox game. A game for two. Each player in turn draws one of the sides of a square with a felt pen. The outside edge is already drawn. The player who can close a box...

Starting point is 00:42:19 Oh, I know this game. You know it? Yeah, it's not Tic-Tac-Toe. It's that game called Corners or something. You should play it with graph paper. We have dots. This is exactly like the back of these cards is a graph. So the idea is it's like you have to put a line, then you put a line, then I put a line, then you put a line.

Starting point is 00:42:33 Whoever closes a box wins that box. So it's similar to Tic-Tac-Toe in that... It's not similar to like Connect Four Tic-Tac-Toe logic, yeah. But effectively, yeah, that's what that is. You can just play cheese box. I didn't know it was called cheese box. Have you heard of Mega Tic-tac-toe? No.

Starting point is 00:42:47 So you draw out a tic-tac-toe grid. Yeah. And in each space, there's another game of tic-tac-toe. And if you win the game in one of those spaces, you get a... But can you only play one square at a time, or can you play any of the nine squares within the nine squares? You can play any. So if I go bottom left,

Starting point is 00:43:06 middle top, cross, then their go is upper left, bottom right, But they're all separate games, but once you win a game...

Starting point is 00:43:14 Talking to the mic! You're doing my head in now! I'm just having a nice time, Paul. Yeah, but you're walking around, flouncing about. It's because the light

Starting point is 00:43:23 in here is terrible and the sun is in my eyes. I can't see you. Good. That's how I like it. Anyway, how much is it for cheese box? What is it? Cheese box.

Starting point is 00:43:32 No, but on the other side is a very dry, tall ship's Top Trumps game, which we should play a ceremonial. No. Come on. We've not done it before. Why now? We always do it. All right, then let me just pick a card at random.

Starting point is 00:43:43 Right, and then you pick a card at random. I have. Right. Gladan. Mine's called Gladan. Eye of the Phoenix. So what do you want to talk about? The Bridgantine?

Starting point is 00:43:51 Length, width, or built? I'd like to talk about four and a half schooner. Okay. Don't you have four and a half schooner? No, I've only got, literally, the grid says, Bridgantine, Netherlands. Then it has length, width, and built. And it doesn't have even a year for built. Oh, four and a half schooners,

Starting point is 00:44:05 Sweden. That's where it was made. Right. So do you have length and width? I've length, width and built. So do you want to compare length, Eli,

Starting point is 00:44:12 or do you want to compare width? I think I'm stronger on the width. Yeah, I'm better on the length. That tickled you. In a wholesome way. Yeah, in a nice wholesome way.

Starting point is 00:44:23 All right, what do you want to do then? Width? Yeah. All right, how wide is yours? 7.2 metres. Oh, then you've won because mine was only 660. Get in there.

Starting point is 00:44:30 What a fucking glorious game of Top Trumps, Super Top Trumps that was. I think it's nice that they've put another game on the back. You know, they're putting a lot of value into the item. I think it's a pound. It's probably not, but I'm going to say a pound. Can I guess a pound as well? So you've got 3, 4, five, six, seven, eight.

Starting point is 00:44:47 You've just gone over nine quid. What? Before I guess on these? Yeah, because you said 220 for the last one, and then you said two pound, 175, and three quid. I'm going to say 70p for these cards. 70p. And I'm going to say one pound,

Starting point is 00:45:00 which means altogether mine is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I've come under nine quid. Well, I want to revise my score for the Coco Pops with the straw built-in bowl. Well, that was what? What did I say for that? 175, you said. I'm going to go...

Starting point is 00:45:17 What did you say, two? Two. I'm going to say 150. All right. I'm going to take that down and say 150. All right. Well, let's find out what the scores are right now. Right.

Starting point is 00:45:29 It is now time to bring on the mulchie and see what scores he has. Lift mulchie up. Right. I'll let you read the scores. Now, these are nice and sealed. I like the job they've done on the seal. Nice sealed envelope. Because we both know, Paul,

Starting point is 00:45:45 that you've been known to act suspiciously around the scores. If that was true, don't you think I'd have a much bigger score? No, because you're a sophisticated cheat. So then I got out of my way to cheat just to lose, to keep things on balance. As long as you win. No, I just don't like you,

Starting point is 00:45:59 and everything I do is to upset you. Now, they've done a sterling work on providing us with a nice, clear game. Oh yeah, all printed out. Nice printout. All segmented. They've done their research. Ladies and gentlemen, why not go listen to them

Starting point is 00:46:11 and see if their own pod is as good as I presume it is. What's it called? I don't know. You don't know what it's called. The Killer Rabbit podcast, innit? And they've done a lovely heading. El Priso de Shaito answers.

Starting point is 00:46:24 Right, so I presume they've done it in order. For people who are just here for the reboot, El Priso de Shaito answers. Right, so I presume they've done it in order. For people who are just here for the reboot, El Priso de Shaito, that's my sort of colloquial nickname for this segment of the show. Well, then can you-o continue-o to tell me-o the price-o-os? I will-o. Right, go on. So the first item was... It's the gyroscope.

Starting point is 00:46:41 Right, and you said... Which you broke. Did you break it? No, you just were frustrated. I had a paddy on, and I threw it across the room. Like a dick. Eli, I said 250. Oh, they've also given us where they were purchased from.

Starting point is 00:46:52 Oh, well, that's good to know now, isn't it? This was purchased from Pet Doctor Suck Ass. Oh, good. Pet Doctor Suck Ass. Oh, we are both in some trouble here. It looks like we're in trouble. I've just looked at the... Oh, no. Right, I said 250. Oh, we're in trouble. I've just looked at the... Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:47:06 Right, I said 250. Ooh, we're going to get donuts, mate. I said 250. Double donuts. Dush, dush, dush. And you said three pound. How much was the gyroscope? A quid. This is not going to go well.

Starting point is 00:47:15 Right, the next item was the Coco Pops bowl, yeah? St Gemma's Hospice, probably local to the Leeds area. I said two. You said 150. 79p. Next one was what? The mustard pot. I said two. You said 150. 79p. Next one was what? The mustard pot. The mustard pot. I said 175. You said

Starting point is 00:47:32 two pound. It was from the British Heart Foundation. Right. It cost three pounds 99. Our most expensive item. This isn't good for the reboot, Paul. One was the toy cars. Trucks. You said 220. Are they not on this?

Starting point is 00:47:47 What? Is it folded away? Oh, no. Yes, they are. Sorry. So you said 220. I said 150. What?

Starting point is 00:47:54 150. Is it? You've done it again. Hooray! Oh, you bastard. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Double between. That's nice.

Starting point is 00:48:02 That's all right. All right, good. So then the last item Shit Was the Top drums He does it to me every time You said 70p I said one pound

Starting point is 00:48:11 What was it Two pound Oh really Two pound for that Yeah Well look It's not a high scoring round But those are clear

Starting point is 00:48:18 I donutted didn't I Yeah you came out I completely donutted You came out of that bank raid With an empty bag Congratulations Paul You always seem to pull one out Spot on I'll pull one out Will you Yeah Yeah, you came out. I completely donut-ed. You came out of that bank raid with an empty bag. Congratulations, Paul. You always seem to pull one out. Spot on.

Starting point is 00:48:27 I'll pull one out. Will you? Yeah. One bollock out. I will. No, I'll tell you what, for you. Imagine you had a little mini fly for each bollock, as well as your main one.

Starting point is 00:48:36 I'll put it inside. And I go, zip, peep, peep. Zip, zip, zip. Zip, zip, zip. Zup, zup, boop, boop. Zup, zup, boop, boop. Boop, boop, Paul. Zup, zup, boop, boop.

Starting point is 00:48:44 Is that what you want? Do you want? Do you want to pick a bollock and you can have a look at it? I don't want to pick a bollock. You've got to pick a bollock or two, boy. You've got to pick a bollock or two. That is an anti-Semitic trope. It's not. I'm singing from fucking Oliver.

Starting point is 00:48:56 He's faking. He's a master thief. But I'm not referring to that. I'm just singing a song from a musical. I win. Give me my batu batwings. Happily, Paul. I'll happily give them to you. And here is the first. musical. I win. Give me my Batu Batwings. Happily, Paul. I'll happily give them to you.

Starting point is 00:49:06 And here is the first. Yeah. Batwing. Mm-hmm. I don't like the way you're reacting as if... Mm-hmm. Just give me a... Just give me a...

Starting point is 00:49:15 Batwing. Batwing. Oh, that's three. That's three. That's not an actual Batwing, because that was the word Batwing. Oh, mate. This is the thing about Batwings.

Starting point is 00:49:24 Mate. Cheese. Cheese. Mayonnaise. Fuck you. No, that was the word oh mate oh this is the thing about mate mate cheese cheese mayonnaise fuck you know that hit the spot cheese i don't like the idea of cheese coming out a nipple okay it disturbs me it's locked in that's the cheap show very fucking film i saw last night it's the cheap show variant cheese cheese mayonnaise around the corner oxo's is made. I didn't know we're done. And we're back for another thrilling segment of the Cheap Show podcast. And this segment

Starting point is 00:49:52 is called Off-Brand Brand-Off. And it has the theme to... Don't go, don't do that. What? Anyway,

Starting point is 00:49:58 now we have a... Don't do that. What? What am I doing? I'm just saying I'm very proud of this i could i'll do that then go on and this is called off brand brand off don't don't stop making those noises anyway we've got a theme tune don't we like we have a theme tune and it goes like this off brand brand off off brand

Starting point is 00:50:21 brand off off brand off off brand off off brand off off brand off off brand off, brand off, off brand, brand off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off brand, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off The Oxo-Maid. Here she comes with her ladle. Oh, I'm the Oxo-Maid. Hey! Hey! My name's Vera. Oh, right. What have you got in your bag, Vera? The Oxo. Can I have a big helping today? Because I'm so into it. There you go.

Starting point is 00:50:54 Get your bowl out. Oh, the whirr. Dollop. No. I'm not putting sound effects in this week. I had to put loads in last week, and I don't want to do it no more. Oh, that was terrible, that bit. All new characters, same old voices. Right, so we are doing explain off brand brand off brand

Starting point is 00:51:10 off brand in the world when you go shopping you have your favorite brands from recognizable uh companies your kellogg's your heinz etc etc and so forth right and sometimes there are brands that come out that don't have those brands names attached and are independent delivery systems for the same food products no i'm getting there i'm getting there and so what we like to do is we like to take these branded items these recognizable branded foodstuffs that we all love and enjoy, and pit them against their off-brand contemporary items and see if they stack up flavour-wise, cost-wise, and hey, maybe even the one that you don't buy is the one that you should buy.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Because it's better value and tastes just as good. It tastes just as good and it's just as good value. And so today... The word you were looking for in your explanation, which did recover slightly from the very funny beginning i turned into the skid yeah well done stuck the landing yeah um brown landing the oxo skids but the word you were looking for was counterparts we test the brand against their off-brand counterpart off--brand counterpart, off-brand counterpart, cutter, cutter, cutter, cutter, counterpart.

Starting point is 00:52:26 A little, little, little, little, bong, bong, bong. This reboot's going well. Right, so this week, I mean, Tom from Channel 84, thank you, Tom. Thanks, mate. Send us a load of stuff, and we've picked one thing out to do this week, and it is, Eli, tell them what we're going to be tackling today.

Starting point is 00:52:42 We will be tasting. I'm the blind super taste tester of the show, and it will be my duty, Paul, to compare these two items, see if I can identify firstly which is which, which is the brand, which is off-brand, and then give you some flavour notes and say which I like more. Yes, Eli will be blindfolded for this super taste. He will not know which of these items I'll be putting in his mouth. Did you say top tarts? I didn't say that because that'd be wrong. Did you say pop tarts?

Starting point is 00:53:09 I didn't say pop tarts. So you haven't got to the bit where I said after what we're talking about, you just decided to go on about being blinded. I decided to go more on the explanation. Well, then let me do that now. We are tackling from Tom from Channel 84. He gave us a load of things

Starting point is 00:53:20 and one of the things we've picked out is the Kellogg's Pop Tart and its contemporary its counterpart its contemporary counterpart and it's cut from a company called harvest morn and it is called top twists now and this is chocolate and the pop tarts is a chocolate but the box is smaller than the pop tarts box it is a replica uh it they've tried to copy the whole everything the branding yeah the color scheme the branding to the eye if you didn't know what you were seeing and you just went oh blue box with the word top on or pop sorry oh no pop and top

Starting point is 00:53:56 top top twist they've popped tarts yeah but is this one of those brands that are sort of all the only things for oldie or only do things for little i think it is without knowing directly from tom but i would i would presume this seems like an oldie netto that's often the case isn't it yeah now i should mention we did uh kinder last time on this segment didn't we did we i remember when we last did it kinder buenos and their knockoff and we both agreed we both agreed the kind Bueno's tasted like the fake. Yeah, no, it was surprising how the knockoff one was actually a better flavour profile overall.

Starting point is 00:54:30 Much better. So these are the thoughts that are going through my mind as I prepare for the challenge. Because I'm thinking maybe, I was thinking, what is it about a Pop-Tart that would make me think this is a Kellogg's one or this is not? Do you see what I mean? I couldn't tell you, to be fair.

Starting point is 00:54:43 What quality metric am I looking at? And I was was thinking what flavor are these the same flavor at least if they're not the same flavor then we're in chub chubs no they are we've been through this so why do you never listen they're both chocolate okay I do listen I'm just packaging is very similar look they both have a brown pastry pocket with little white sprinkles on yes there's an op sound to the both words you know the only real difference is the size because the Pop-Tarts are slightly bigger, but you do get eight in each box. Eight toaster pastries.

Starting point is 00:55:11 So what's been plaguing me a bit is I'm thinking... Chlamydia. How... No, not that one. Yeah, what's the odd to that? I've got scrunchy scrunch. That's your cheese, cheese mayonnaise. Cheese, cheese mayonnaise.

Starting point is 00:55:22 Boxers are a different issue altogether. Dickin' nice. How am I going to tell which one is worst quality and then i thought maybe it'd be the chocolate but then i thought back to the brendo test yeah the breno test rather yeah and i thought well that didn't steer me right there no because the the brand had the worst chocolate maybe it's the pastry part the pastry part i reckon now they're different sizes so i'm thinking they might have because they're different sizes so i'm thinking they might have because they're using better quality chocolate in the knockoff they might have had to go smaller to get into the same price range maybe or they just made smaller to use cheaper products

Starting point is 00:55:54 and mass market more as a result or it might be um to shrink flation maybe either way when i serve this to you i'll be serving a segment so you won't really know what size no is which no but they do look smaller don't they the the top twist the knockoff yeah they look shorter they're shorter tarts hello mr silverman would you like a little history lesson of the pop tart i would i was delighted to find out that their birthday is the same as mine september 14th i just turned 45 they were they were introduced on the september 14th That's crazy. I did not know they'd been banging around since the 60s. Yeah. So the interesting story is there was a company called Post in America, right? Post.

Starting point is 00:56:32 Post. And they made similar things to Kellogg's in some respects. And they announced that they just created this process for dehydrating food and keeping it foil fresh. So, you know, you put it in a foil wrapper and it would stay fresh for longer. They wanted to use it initially for dog food. I'm sure they have now. But they probably have. And then adapted it to a new toaster-prepared breakfast pastry

Starting point is 00:56:52 intended to complement a cold breakfast, right? And so in 1964, six months before, or months and months before they released the thing on market, they were like, hello, everyone, we're bringing out Country Squares. That's the name. So Kellogg's went, all right, you've mentioned that, have you? We're going to rip that off and rush ours out as soon as possible and they did and pop tarts then exploded sly and did post come out with

Starting point is 00:57:14 their country squares they did but by then they'd lost the market ah kellogg's brand this is what surprised her that's industrial espionage get well they shouldn't have said we're going to bring this out to be fair that's how business is and was and will always be. It's like when you see Hollywood, and it's like, here's Volcano. Shit, we'll rush out Dante's Peak, you know? Disney famously, Katzenberg, got kicked out of Disney,

Starting point is 00:57:35 knew they were making Bugs Life and rushed out Ants from DreamWorks. Is that why those two films were there? So it's like, if you've got insider knowledge. I know, I know. And they publicly announced their product months before releasing it. Yeah, that's what I mean. They asked for it.

Starting point is 00:57:48 So Kellogg's had a big window to go, well, let's jump in there and do it ourselves. But Kellogg's not a great firm. Have you heard about the history of the man himself? Oh, yeah. I mean, listen to that dollop episode. Nasty, nasty. Surprisingly, a huge amount of stories based around onanism in that story. A lot.

Starting point is 00:58:04 A lot of them. He believed you shouldn't do it. huge amount of stories based around onanism in that story a lot he believed you shouldn't do it so initially these were going to be called fruit scones but they changed it to pop tarts

Starting point is 00:58:10 because it was a pun on the then popular pop art movement that's so strange I never that never occurred to me I never thought about that and that makes sense

Starting point is 00:58:18 that makes so much sense in terms of the context of the period when they came out doesn't it and they released a character called Milton the Toaster in America to help advertise them and they were so popular their

Starting point is 00:58:29 stores sold out in two weeks and the kellogg's had to make an advertisement apologizing for empty shelves of pop tarts now that's not something you see it remains one of the biggest brands kellogg's had in america more than their cereal wow So it's their biggest brand and as of 2014 it says here sales of Pop-Tart have increased non-stop for 32 years straight. What on earth

Starting point is 00:58:51 is going on with Pop-Tarts? A temporary Pop-Tart store opened in New York City in 2010. I guess you could call it a Pop-Up Pop-Tart store. A Pop-Up Pop-Tart store. Yeah, thank you for beating me

Starting point is 00:59:00 to my witty gag. Well, I was too quick for you. Yeah, but I could have edited it and tightened it up and made me sound cool. But no, you had to jump in there with your bearded bastard face. Pop-up Pop-Tart.

Starting point is 00:59:09 The Pop-Tart were introduced to the UK in the early 90s. Yeah. Only Choc-Tastic and Strawberry Sensations were available. My mate used to have them. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:18 It was part of the, oh, his mum got him Pop-Tarts. Yeah, because when I was a kid and you went to America to Disneyland for a holiday, you'd go, oh, I had a Pop-Tart when I was out there. What's that then? Oh, it's a little thing you went to America to Disneyland for a holiday, you'd go, oh, I had a Pop-Tart when I was out there.

Starting point is 00:59:25 What's that then? Oh, it's a little thing you put in the toaster. So you'd buy some and bring them back and be cool for a while, wouldn't you? They always had a buzz around them, didn't they? Why? They're not that good. They've never landed in the same way in this country.

Starting point is 00:59:35 You still see them sold, but I can't imagine they're that popular. Well, these are obviously from here, aren't they? Well, yeah. So they're big enough here that they do a knock-off. Right. Apparently so. Must be a selling product, is what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:59:46 Well, it's one of these weird products that just exists, I guess, where people buy it and there's no force. When was the last time you saw an advert for these? No. On TV at least. No. I guess it's like sauce. You don't see that many adverts for ketchup really these days

Starting point is 00:59:57 because it's just everyone knows it. Yeah, but it's not an essential condiment in the same way ketchup is at all. No, but this is very much a niche. There must be people who are just into them and those people don't need to be told. And they have a consistent number of them sold a year to be confident.

Starting point is 01:00:08 It's been going up for the last 32 years. In America, at least, yeah. It's crazy. What are your thoughts? I think I had one many years ago and thought, I don't really like them. I've enjoyed several over the years, but I would never say this is a great thing.

Starting point is 01:00:20 If you've got the munchies... Yeah. It's a good munchie food. Stick them in the toaster. Nom, nom, nom. It's a good munchie food. Stick them in the toaster, nom, nom, nom. It's a good munchie food. So I guess, I reckon,

Starting point is 01:00:27 part of its popularity is to do with the liberalisation of the cannabis laws in the States. Yeah. So Pop-Tarts should have had a get baked Pop-Tarts. Yeah, that's called baked.

Starting point is 01:00:37 Yeah. That's what I mean. They could use that, couldn't they? Get toasted, use a toaster. Exactly. That's so good

Starting point is 01:00:42 that we should start an edible cannabis company that does edible... Pop-Tarts. What are they called? Pot-Tarts. Pot-Tarts. Exactly. That's so good that we should start an edible cannabis company that does edible... Pop-tarts. What are they called? Pot-tarts. Pot-tarts. Yes.

Starting point is 01:00:50 Get a pen. Get a fucking pen. If you're listening to this, Kellogg's, don't rush ahead and nick this. Cut to, cut to. Oh, mate,

Starting point is 01:00:57 have you seen them? Just released pot-tarts. But that would be a good synergy with the two in the market because they're definitely munchy food. That's when I used to eat them.

Starting point is 01:01:04 But then you wouldn't want to make this something with pot in though well why not well it's like that whole thing where it's like oh this chocolate brownie

Starting point is 01:01:11 that's been dosed up's nice mmm I'll have eight more slices I'm not feeling a thing I know I don't like to eat it

Starting point is 01:01:18 myself but it hits you in a funny way when you eat it you could have a you know well listen no more words

Starting point is 01:01:23 Mr Silverman shall we crack on? Yeah, I'm ready. I've got your little skanky little blindfold. Yeah, he's going to put it over his eyes, and I'm going to pop out to the toaster. No, give it two minutes. Oh, no, we've got to toast these fuckers, don't we?

Starting point is 01:01:34 I've got to toast them. I'm going to bring him on a plate. I'm going to cut a segment off. You'll just be eating that segment, right? So I don't know anything about the size. So you don't know the size. You can't judge it in your hand, right? To the toaster.

Starting point is 01:01:44 To the toaster. To the toaster. And the Pop-Tarts have popped and I'm back with a plate. Two slices. One slice each. One is the original. One is not. Eli, are you ready? I'm blindfolded, Paul, and I'm going to be trying to get a snuff because I really am a bit lost here for a strategy. Am I going to just look for quality? What were the price? Do we know what the price differential was? Don't know the price. That's sadly what we don't have.

Starting point is 01:02:12 But we can presume the knockoff is cheaper, right? We just can. Yes, it must be. I will say this. When I got them out the packaging, they looked almost identical. Is this one of the instances where the knock-off is actually manufactured by the same people? No, I don't. Because that happens in certain cases.

Starting point is 01:02:28 It's possible, but I don't think so. This is like a myth, isn't it, that comes up every time they say that they make them. These are cooling. Let's get them while they're warm. Grab number one, please. It said to put them in for five seconds. That didn't seem right, so I made it for ten. Five seconds in the toaster?

Starting point is 01:02:41 I know, it doesn't seem like... I said on the lowest heat, but then by that logic, it wouldn't heat at all, really. I think they're trying to cover their arse because there's been incidents over the years. There have been lawsuits where people have set fire to their houses because of that.

Starting point is 01:02:51 Anyway, anyway, here we go. I'm going to hand you item one. Okay, this is my first one. There you go. It's not warm anymore. No. Because again, you've only... It said...

Starting point is 01:02:59 There's a nice... It said only ten to five seconds. It's a biscuity, chocolatey smell coming off this. It said only five seconds, right? So therefore, I put it in for longer to give it a little bit of warmth by the time you got it into your mouth. It's a sweet, biscuity chocolate...

Starting point is 01:03:09 Stop talking over me! I am here! You're not alone in a lone fucking vigil in an airtight, soundproof booth. I was just bored of what you were saying. I'm bored of your fucking stupid chutney cheese face. Come on, don't cheese mayonnaise. Chutney cheese face. Right, go on.

Starting point is 01:03:24 So the snuff is good, right? It's nice. Oh, he's biting into it now. So I couldn't tell you what to look forward to because I haven't had a Pop-Tart in decades, most likely. There is a real lack of body to the flavour of this. In what part? The pastry or the chocolate both?

Starting point is 01:03:41 Both. Oh, okay. And also the chocolate has this weird sort of floral, fake chocolate feel to it. Okay. Like the snacks that we've tasted from Eastern Europe. You know those sort of fake chocolate snacks, really cheap ones?

Starting point is 01:03:54 I know what you mean. The Eurocrem. Eurocrems of this world. Eurocrem factor. Yeah. Is it unpleasant or just a bit off? No, it's not unpleasant at all. It's just a bit sort of nothing.

Starting point is 01:04:02 Okay. Well, that is a... Just sweet with a very weak chocolatey. But you don't know what that's going to compare to, do you? If I was going to guess just on that alone, I'd say it was the knockoff. Okay. All right. I'm lost here because I must have eaten one of these several years ago.

Starting point is 01:04:17 Yeah. The last time I ate one. And I wouldn't have had a chocolate one either. I'd have had a strawberry one. Give it to me. Put it down there and go. I'm done with that. So let me just have a palate cleanser here.

Starting point is 01:04:26 All right, it's a little bit ahead of you. Right, okay. That was your first toasted pastry. Okay, now is part two. If I was guessing again... Don't need to guess again. Just, here's part two. Now, I'm going to go for the niff-naff-nuff on this.

Starting point is 01:04:38 Niff-naff-nuff. Give it a sniff-sniffy-sniff-sniff. Oh. Oh. There's no nose. Really? Yeah. There's no nose to either, then?

Starting point is 01:04:46 No, there was much more nose on the first one there was a sweet biscuity chocolate distinctly on the first one oh okay and i'm getting a very cardboardy weak low down chocolate on this and nothing else none of that nice bakey biscuityness that you're expecting yeah which was coming from the first one so i'm starting to think this is a knockoff. Well, give it a bite because that's the true taste, isn't it? The true test of your abilities. It's a lot softer. Softer, okay. A lot less sweet.

Starting point is 01:05:11 In what way? Is it more bitter chocolate? Is it less... Oh, what? That's not very nice. Isn't it? No. It's got no flavour.

Starting point is 01:05:20 It's just less sweet and it's more sort of muddy tasting. Huh. It feels like there's more filling though. Okay, so there's more filling but what? Less texture, less flavour? Less flavour. It's just like a nasty flavour. Chocolatey? Or chocolatey in that way, you know, Easter egg chocolate is.

Starting point is 01:05:36 Even faker than that. Even faker than the first one. Less chocolatey than the first one. Well, this is quite the quandary then for you, isn't it? What are you going to go with? Was item one the Pop-Tart or was item two the Pop-Tart? I it? What are you going to go with? Was item one the Pop-Tart or was item two the Pop-Tart? I think item one

Starting point is 01:05:48 was the Pop-Tart. Item one was the Pop-Tart. And I preferred one. Even though it wasn't great, it was a bit of a nothing. What was it called? Top Twist was the other one, right?

Starting point is 01:05:54 I think that the second one was the Top Twist and that the first one was the Pop-Tart. And I preferred the first one. It was just more, the second one really

Starting point is 01:06:03 just didn't work for you. That's fine. It was so empty. Just a bit of a muddy cardboard taste It was just more, the second one really just... Didn't work for you. That's fine. It was so empty. Just a bit of a muddy cardboard taste and then just sweetness, generic, but less sweet. Would you like to know the results? Can I take my blindfold off? Yeah, you can now. Okay.

Starting point is 01:06:14 I forgot to bring the boxes in. They were in the kitchen, but I can effectively remember. It was Top Trumps versus Push Pops, wasn't it? No. Pop Tarts versus Top Twists. Okay. So you said the first one was the pop tart and the second one you had in your mouth was the top twist yes that's what i'd say because i think and i'm just going

Starting point is 01:06:32 from the fact that the first one was a better product in my mind in that case eli i can now reveal to you that you are wrong it was the other way around the first one you had was the knockoff and the second one you had was the Kellogg's. Crazy. Did you taste them? I haven't, no. Do you want me to bring another slice in? Yeah. I feel like I should have gone with my thought

Starting point is 01:06:52 about it having more filling, the second one, and being, you know, meatier. You think the filling quotient was what gave it away? Well, I've just brought the two remaining ones in. I feel like the knockoff can only afford to be good because it's smaller. And I feel like... I'm going to have a taste.

Starting point is 01:07:04 It's got much more amplitude. The flavours fit together much better. It's not great. There's definitely a chocolate up there. It's a little bit bitter. I would say it's rich, but yeah, overly fake sweet. Now, prepare. The biscuit, the pastry, you're right, is floral almost, weirdly.

Starting point is 01:07:17 Has its weird floral aftertaste, sort of. You know what I mean? Like a kind of Nan's perfume drawer kind of aftertaste. Absolutely, yeah. But doesn't that remind you of those Eastern European products a bit? That sort of florality. Look how much meatier and the filling is. There's a lot more filling in this one.

Starting point is 01:07:31 This is the Pop-Tart now. Try not to let that put you off, though, in terms of the actual flavour profile. Immediately, er. There's nothing. It's worse, isn't it? I'll say this. It's not unpleasant, but what it is, it's surprisingly lacking in character. No, there's nothing there.

Starting point is 01:07:44 Weird creature. So don't you think that the knockoff has more character? Yeah. Has more of a taste. It has a noticeably chocolate flavour up front, even if the pastry on the back end is a little bit floury. Yeah, yeah. The Pop-Tart doesn't have that.

Starting point is 01:07:56 The Pop-Tart has a much more confident biscuit base, I guess. But it's got nothing else. There's no flavour. The texture, I suppose you could say, is slightly better, and that's why I should have gone with my instinct about the texture and the sort of... But you did say, I still prefer the first one, though. You still went, at the end of the day, I still prefer that.

Starting point is 01:08:12 I did, don't you? So even with those recognisable signifiers of bigger biscuit, better quality pastry, whatever, you still went, oh, at least that one tastes of chocolate. Yeah. So I would definitely say this is one of those cases where the knock-off is just as good if not better so your money the top twist is our top pick if you value flavor if you value flavor you know

Starting point is 01:08:32 if you really must have a sickeningly sweet biscuit for your breakfast processed piece of carbohydrate and sugar as opposed to i don't know a lovely box of shreddies oh we love shreddies let's do shreddies i know they do knockoffreddies. Let's do a Shreddies off. Let's do Shreddies. Because I know they do knock-off Shreddies. Wow, let's do that, Paul. Next time on Off-Brand Brand-Off,

Starting point is 01:08:50 we're coming back. It's the Shreddies gauntlet. Yeah. Because there's going to be loads of Shreddies knock-offs because Tesco's have their own main... We haven't done a serial one.

Starting point is 01:08:57 We did. We have. We did Corn Flakes, didn't we? Yes, we did. But, yeah, we should do a Shreddies revenge kind of thing. And I feel like they definitely are smaller, right?

Starting point is 01:09:08 The knock-off Pop-Tart. Not that much. They're thinner, if anything. Yeah. Because when I took them out of the box, I was like, oh, these are still... Like, look at them. Sorry. Let me compare sizes.

Starting point is 01:09:17 All right. Here we go. Zip. Do you want to measure length or width, mate? Always width. So that's the Pop-Tart. Yeah. They've actually got chocolate sort of...

Starting point is 01:09:29 Sprinkles on top, don't they? And that's the... They're not that different. They are slightly smaller. Slightly, but like... They have a smoother texture. Yeah, but to the eye... Not really.

Starting point is 01:09:39 Yeah. They're better. Yeah. It's just weird. That keeps happening, doesn't it? It happened with the Bueno, and it's happened here. Well, what have we learned? That sometimes it's worth saving a couple of quid or a couple of pence and going to a cheaper brand.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Absolutely. And it's definitely worth thinking about. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You shouldn't be... The whole idea of fucking branded food is bullshit anyway. You don't necessarily get a seal of approval. Brand loyalty for food.

Starting point is 01:10:00 You should do a taste test and actually find out, you know, what you actually like. Yeah. And sometimes it's like, yeah, no, Hellman what you actually like. Yeah. And sometimes it's like, yeah, no, Hellman's is the best. Or sometimes ketchup is... I mean, Hellman's is a special product. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you go,

Starting point is 01:10:11 well, I'm not going to get any other brown sauce. Well, I think Hellman's is a good example of the opposite of what we're saying. I think Hellman's is actually... Also, did you see that video on Twitter?

Starting point is 01:10:20 Great. Of those two guys having a mayonnaise-eating competition? I don't. I'm not into that. It was literally two big guys, and someone went, go, and they opened up two big jars, and with a ladle just slim enough to slip into the wide neck of the jar,

Starting point is 01:10:32 was scooping out mayonnaise and gobbling it down. That's not for me. Gobble, gobble, gobble mayonnaise. I've been known, Paul, to have a sly little teaspoon of it when I've been putting it somewhere else. But all I'm saying, mate, cheese, cheese, mayonnaise. Round the corner. Fucking Oxo's made.

Starting point is 01:10:48 Oxo drips. Right. And here we are at the end of another Cheap Show Adventure. We hope you've had a lovely little ramble with us today in your mind's eye and you've learnt a few things as well. So, hey, look, we're on socials, we have YouTube, we have

Starting point is 01:11:05 Instagram, threads, all those kind of stuff. You can find us but the easiest thing to do is go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk. There are links there to everything. Everything Cheap Show related has links there and every episode has a dedicated page with pictures and videos where necessary. So go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk and you'll find us on any and all socials from that point on. Same for the P.O. Box address, that's on there. And every now and then we like to showcase a video and on our website now,

Starting point is 01:11:34 but also on the YouTube channel, you can watch the latest pop video music from Noiseland. So, you know he did that top-notch Western romance song, and we put it in an episode a few months ago. Yes. He's now done a music video for it, and it's fucking great, and you should all go watch it.

Starting point is 01:11:49 It's on our website, but just look for Noiseland, which is noise and L-U-N-D on YouTube, and give that a fucking listen. It's top good, it is. And he's on the theme track. He has. He's done the brand new theme track for Cheap Show

Starting point is 01:12:01 as of this episode. At least I hope so. Otherwise, this is awkward. But yeah, no, the new theme tune, all new Noiseland. So give him your love

Starting point is 01:12:09 and enjoy the video. It's fucking great. Best thing we've ever done. Oh. What he's done. What? Should we say about the noodles? We got them.

Starting point is 01:12:16 Yes, we have had the Nissan Gaming caffeine noodles secured for us. Caffeinated noodles, it's happening. So we will be doing

Starting point is 01:12:23 another noodle exclusive episode in the future all about that damn sweet biscuit. Thank you, Yven, for getting those. Thank you, Yven, as ever. Yven also sent the extra new Winky stuff, which I'll show you in a minute. Oh, a little cachet. But we've got a little something.

Starting point is 01:12:35 There's a tranche. A little tranche of Winky info. There is a little tranche of Winky info. Because there's news about Winky coming soon as well, so shh on that. But finally, finally, we're teaming up with Digitizer, Sanya and Mr. Biffo. We're teaming up with them to do a live show in November.

Starting point is 01:12:50 It's part of the Cheerful Earful podcast, and it's Saturday the 4th of November. It's two in the afternoon. You can be done. We'll have a nice natter afterwards, and it might be our last live show for a long while, by the way. It might be, seriously, because we've got plans for next year. We keep saying this. So,

Starting point is 01:13:06 if you want to come see us live in London, South London, November 4th, two in the afternoon, get your ticket. There's a link on our website, but if you just want to look for Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, you'll find Cheap Show there as well. Links on our webpage and there'll be links on Twitter and all social medias. And that's that episode done.

Starting point is 01:13:21 Any final words, Mr. Silverman, of your thoughts on this week's episode? No, not really. Cheesy wafer, cheesy wafer, lemonade hole. Cheesy wafer, cheesy wafer, give me the nudge. Ah, that's... It's reminded me. What?

Starting point is 01:13:33 You see this podcast as a vagina that you need to do cosmetic surgery on. No, you see me seeing that. That's through you. I see vagina. You've interpreted. You looked at the ink blot of my existence and you've seen qu vagina. You've interpreted. You looked at the ink blot of my existence and you've seen quim.

Starting point is 01:13:48 Whatever, mate. I've got nothing to say. Sorry I was a bit tired, everyone, this week. Do you want to apologise for that? I was hungover. Yeah, again. Anything else you want to apologise for? That two-day hungover you get.

Starting point is 01:13:56 Yeah. No, I don't. I don't get that. I don't get that. You get that a lot. It's something you do regularly. But I don't drink every day. No.

Starting point is 01:14:03 That's good, isn't it? But you do masturbate every day, don't you? No, I don't. You do. Every other day. Not anymore. No, about three times a week. What, is it just a bit puff-puff?

Starting point is 01:14:11 What do you mean, puff-puff? You know, you give it a squeeze and all this dust puffs off. I'm not at that stage, and I don't think that's real. It happens to me. You have dust coming out of your... Yeah, it sounds like that as well. I wouldn't say it's dust. It's more like spores.

Starting point is 01:14:30 Spores of spunk dust. Anyway, that's this week's Reboot Cheap Show. Oh, fuck. I hope the new lick of paint has done it the world of good and introduced a whole new load of people to our magic. I wish my mind could have a new lick of paint sometimes. You know what, mate? It's any consolation

Starting point is 01:14:45 this time next month we're going to be in LA. Ooh. So, big adventures and possibly big guests involved too. So stay tuned for that. Fingers crossed.

Starting point is 01:14:53 But let's just get out of here, mate. We've done a good job today. We've done enough podcasting. We certainly have. Let's go home. Thanks for listening, everyone. Bye. Bye, everyone.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Bye. Bye, everyone. Bye.

CheapShow - Ep 351: Reboot

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