CheapShow - Ep 361: A.I. Soda From The Year 3000

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

It looks like Paul and Eli are finally back in the House of Mash and Eggs after a month of LA adventures and they’re trying to get back into the groove. It’s not long before they are arguing, shouting and exaggerating again like they’d never been away. It seems that Hollywood had no effect on them at all. To ease themselves back into the old CheapShow game, they’re taking on some new and unusual sodas and diving back into Eli’s record box to sample some silly singles. Once again Coca Cola Creations rears its ugly head with a new coke allegedly created by A.I from the year 3000… or something like that? How will a computer crafted cola fare? Will it be any better than the Pokémon themed “cheese and salt water” fizzy drink? They’re going to find out the hard way. In Silverman’s Platters, it’s a trio of tracks to endure that bounces from early library music electronica, singing sheep and the ruddy Chegwin brothers! Who IS Jeff Chegwin anyway? Find out this week! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-361-ai-soda-from-the-year-3000 You can follow Ben Baker on X Here: @benbakerbooks And you can order his book “The Dreams We Had As Children” from here: https://benbaker.company.site/ And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

don't drink when i'm fucking saying i'm recording and i want to get some room tone wow anger but you're such a fucking idiot though it's literally waiting for you to do the countdown don't start this off on a bad you mean the silent countdown where i raise my hand in the air and i count down which is what is i had my lips on the literally sipping I don't want your lips anywhere near a rim. I'm on my lips or waiters. Just do the countdown. Right, silence for five seconds. Fucking wretched prick. I haven't missed this at all.

I don't even know if I can do Cheap Show anymore now that I've tasted Hollywood, darling. You didn't taste Hollywood. I tasted Hollywood. I've tasted now that I've tasted Hollywood darling you didn't taste Hollywood I tasted Hollywood I tasted more of Hollywood I tasted Holly's wood I had I ate more food

Holly Johnson's wood Frankie goes to Hollywood yeah all over his chest right is this the cold open then is it relax

don't do it when I'm going to spank on you yeah it is this is the cold open so hello welcome to cheap show the economy comedy podcast where eli and i hello i'm paul gannon go for the charity shops bargain bins and pound lands of good old great britain and give you the treats this is not the treasure trash you've fucked it you've fucked it eli that wasn't the cold open Paul

this is not that's the intro you keep doing this no but then I was meant to say blah blah blah we find treasure amongst the trash welcome to cheap show vroom

music comes in see I don't know where I am with this anymore you never know where you are because you're an ignorant tool answer me this fellow riddle me this Batman shut up listen to my question and then answer it.

Is it going to come any time soon? Are you just going to do nothing but preamble? Traditionally. It's Eli's preamble gamble, where he fucking takes forever to get to a point. It's a gamble like a lamb. Yeah. See, I'm always thinking one step ahead.

Oh, God. Just have your point. My point, Paul? You wet-mouthed, snotty-nosed, and a loyally deficient fucking hobbit man. Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually don't you say that whole thing where you go with bargain bins,

after the music? No, sometimes I do it beforehand. I don't understand that! I thought the cold open was meant to be a whole world where I could gamble, frolic, if you like, in the mind pastry of my own brain train. Yeah? And I go, woo!

Ooh, look, my calves, with a very soft suede on each heel, heel, it's coming together. It's a nice clacky noise, but not too sharp. Clacky! Hee-hee-hee! You utter waste of my time and effort. What have we got coming up on the show then?

Am I allowed to say that? No. I'm not even allowed. I'm not allowed to say shit. Fucking hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. No, do we have to say that? It's not cold open.

Here's the credits. Here's the intro music. By the way. Oh, you've ruined it. Stop interjecting. The other thing. I don't need you to interject. The other thing.

Your ejecting is not needed into, out or otherwise. No ejecting from you. I'll interject some spunk in a minute. Oh, witty Mr. Witty Man McCleverthoughts sitting there in his tumbly-wumbly old shithole fucking cloth bag shit wank c, bearded, fucking, tumulus, twat hole. Oh, here we go. Get it all out of the way. See, now we've lost all momentum. I'll do it.

This can't go on like this. This is four minutes. I'll go. I'll do it. I'll do the show. No. I've got everything. I can do it.

No, I'm not letting you do a show on your own. Do you know what? I start recording this podcast. Suddenly, I've come down with a, I call it pod flu, flu and i get all sweaty it's because you have a go at me now i feel now now i feel like i don't feel like i actually don't want to do it you telling me i've grown physically less attractive and fatter over the last year great oh so i'm i'm? I'm an out of shape, podgy little dwarf Romulus man. Welcome to Cheap Show. I just wanted you to admit it.

Welcome to Cheap Show. Fuck you. Fuck you. Press the fucking credits. Off, run, run, run. Off, run, run, run. Off-Round-Round-Off-Off-Round-Round-Off Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to the Chief Show

Sources and words and phrases Two things I'm responsible for Chodney Chodney Borough I hate you. You've got to be a little posse. It's the Price of Shite. Welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman, if you didn't get that. I'm Paul Gannon. Hello. How are you? Looking after yourself? How's your old mum? Is she good? How's your old dad? Is he looking after himself? Ah, good times. Christmas is coming. Some of our listeners might not have living mums or dads.

I'm not talking to them, am I? You're excluding people who've suffered from grief. How's your not mum and your not dad? What? Some of them may believe that they... How's your friends? How's your life? How's your cat or dog?

How's your pet? Let's just do a little scenario. Are you all right? How's your significant other in your life? Let's just do a scenario here. Okay. I am an orphaned cheap show listener. And I've just got into the show.

Are you orphaned from cheap show? Is that what you're saying? No, I've lost both of my parents in a terrible accident. Skiing accident like James Bond. Could be. Could be a submarine accident. Not very important. Or maybe they just abandoned you.

No, no, no. Because they saw you. It came out of the womb. And she went, dispose of it. They got Batman. And they flung you out. They got Batman. They were slaughtered in front of And she went, dispose of it. They got Batman. They flung you out. They got Batman. They were slaughtered in front of me.

Right, now just do that bit. Say hello. How's your mum? Go do that bit where you go, how's your mum? All right, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, how's your mum? I don't have a mum.

They were murdered. I'm not listening to this shit. I'm huffing off. Huffing off. I'm a huffed off orphan boy. Anyway, this is the podcast where Eli and I go through the charity shops, bargain bins and powerlands of Great Britain. And we look for treasure that we find amongst the trash.

And this week we're focusing on two little things. We've got our So The Pops segment and we've got a Silverman's platter. So a little bit of the... And a little bit of the... Like that. That's right, Paul. And you should see the look on his face when he did that little noise. He felt well pleased with himself.

He's cheered up. He's doing a wiki-wiki noise. Wiki-wiki, wow, wow, west, due west, desperado. Drinking Fattardo. Nelly Fattardo. Nelly Fattardo. Nelly Fattardo went to bed and said goodbye to that pizza. Off she ate with a slice of this life.

Me and her, we went on a date once. You and Nelly Fattardo? Yeah. We went to one of these, a curry place, with a slice of this life. Me and her, we went on a date once. You and Nelly's fatado? Yeah. We went to one of these, a curry place, like a balty place. Yeah. Next day,

I actually got lucky. Yeah. Next day, didn't she fart hard though? What does that mean? Nelly fart hard though? Yes, Eli! Yes!

Didn't she fart hard though? Nelly fart hard though. She followed through though. I'd like to turn.

I want to flush away. I don't know with a bog roll. Gonna have to clean with my hand. Oh dear.

She did as well. Yeah. That really happened to me. Did did it you really went out with nelly vittano had a curry and then she shat the bed all right we don't need to fucking go into any more about that then really do you it's not pertinent to this podcast and definitely not a real thing that happened you said we're back after this or la adventures or november la adventures well that's what i think we should explain to the listeners well we haven't actually recorded in like like a month or so we've not which is the longest break we've had in several years it's great actually because everything was edited while when i got back from la i had all those

episodes in the bag it was just out the door it was great yes but for the listener it will just be a seamless from last week's live into this into this as if that happened last week as if in their world in their mind but even that took place a few weeks ago yeah it's all in the past that's all i'm saying it's not. No, I don't think it's good, it's bad. It just makes me laugh. Her name always used to make me laugh inside. I had a secret smile,

and it was only for when I heard Nelly Furtado's name. I'm not well I had a poo the other day that was like one of those old disco bands girth, wind, then fire well done see you next week on Jeep Show

let's tap out girth, wind, then fire I need a tea Curth, wind, then fire. I need a tissue or something, mate. A tissue? Why every time? I've got a tissue in my pocket. Oh, could I have one?

Yeah, hang on. Oh, yeah, sorry. It was that whole poo-poo thing at the live show, and now I've got snot running out my face. Oh, I thought you weren't going to mention the incident part two. I'm not. The one that, if you look very carefully, if you watch the video, which is on our YouTube channel,

of Cheaper Ties Alive from the Cheerful Evil podcast festival, there's a little moment where Eli has to go off stage for a little bit, right? Just a little moment. He leaves the stage for a few minutes. But I can tell you, if you look very carefully, there's a scene on the video where he's forcing mayo into Mr. Biffo's face and laughing. And then there's a definite moment in your face where you go from ha ha ha to oh something's changed did you watch it back yeah oh no however in this case it is the moment eli shat his pants

listen that's putting too much that's silverman's spatter is basically what it was there was a little bit of unfortunate leakage that needed dealing with that's all I'm saying I love the fact that you are so unprofessional you have to take a poo in the middle of a show you're performing

I should have gone before it was a little bit of an oversight the show must go on the show must go on and it did alright Paul a lesser performer

this is real a lesser performer would have gone, I'm unwell, and left and not done the rest of the show and gone, and made a big deal out of it, right? But I didn't.

I went and cleaned up my messes. I cleaned up my own messes, yeah? And I got back out in time to do the origin of Biffo. Good, right. Bino. The origin of Bino's Biffo. Biffo, Banjo.

Twang. The origin of Eli's Banjo, Twang. Twang-along. Twang-along and be Eli. What's that guy called? Sidney Poitier. Is he called...

Sidney Poitier. That's his name though, Sidney. Yeah, are you going to try and make this into a wank sound or something? Sidney Poang-ate or something. Is that what you're going to do? Poang-ate.

That's not funny. Just not. Alright, good. I'm good. Didn't shit myself, everyone. I will just say this. I want to say thank you once again to Brian Wecht for putting me and Eli up in our week in Los Angeles. Fantastic. Thanks, mate. Him and his whole family were very, very

kind to us and very, very tolerant. Also, Leighton Gray. I want to say thank you to Leighton for their support. And Tim Heidecker. Thank you for his time that he spent with us on that afternoon and recording that wonderful episode. What a moment that was. What a moment that was for us.

And thank you again to every patron who supports this podcast because without their backing, we couldn't have had that marvelous adventure. We should say to people as well, Paul, if you don't know who Tim Heidecker is, do check out On Cinema. I think if you like Cheap Show, if you listen to Cheap Show a long time, you might

well get something out of On Cinema. Because we've stolen love from it. Yes. I've got a word forming in my head, Paul. Matran Japan. Matran Japan. And what does Matran Japan mean? I don't know. Anything, whatever you like, darling. Is it when you haven't washed your penis in a couple of days and it's kind of set into a form against your groin,

therefore making it look like Matran Japan or whatever it is? Yes, that's what it is, Paul. That's what it is. Is it a particularly pink shaded turd? No, that's a... Oh, radio ban. Should we just crack on with the show?

Because you're obviously having problems with, I don't know, reality at the moment. I'm having a few problems with reality at the moment, Paul. I've come down with a terrible cold today.

Oh, boo-woo. Listeners, I'm sorry if there's a bit of a fleck and whistle. Well, they won't hear most of it because I will have to chop it out, won't I? I'll edit it mostly out.

If I sound like I have damp mucal colloids, that's not a word, Eli. Although they're a great band. Mucal colloids. Damp mucal colloids. We are mucal colloids. Hello. There's the idea dead.

Right there and then. The idea died on his tongue. Right. Carry on. We're going to go into the Silverman's... No, we're not doing Silverman's Platter. We're doing the Soda Jerk.

We're going to taste some drinks they're here, Paul. What's it called, this segment? Soda Jerk, still? Is it? Yeah, I mean... Right, we're doing the fucking Soda Jerk segment

as of right now. Drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks. Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy. Drink, drink, drinks. Bottle of fizzy, drinks, drinks. Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, fizzy, drink, drink, drinks. Bottle of fizzy, of glass of drink. Drink a fizzy, bizzle bottle, get on, drink. That's our new trailer for drink.

It's the soda jerk section of the show. We like to taste unusual. We do. Drinks and sodas. And we like to drink usual ones if they're from abroad. Yes, we do. We've tasted some great colas. We've discovered what a champagne cola is.

I didn't know that. No, champagne cola was a new genre to my tongue. It's a whole new genre of drink. And we share it with you. We share it with you. I've bought Inca cola. Inca cola. Again, since we tasted it.

Because it's fucking lush, that stuff. When it's nice and cool, it's very refreshing. It needs to be chilled, but it's nice and cool it's very refreshing. It needs to be chilled but it's very nice. Very, very nice. I think on a hot day it'd be too sickly sweet to drink

if it was not chilled. Yes. Yes. If it was warm. But I mean that's true of Coca-Cola isn't it? We're not here to talk today about such inca drinks.

We are here to talk about two that Eli has perused and purchased. I've always got my eye open. I reckon we do that one last, so do the other one first. Just do the one. We'll do one at a time. No spoilers.

Why are we going to want to wash out our mouth after this one? Oh, that's a good point. Because it could be odious. No, you know what? You'll have nothing to wash it out with. That's a good point. I just think if it's funnier, then you save it till the end, because you work up to it.

I don't know. I know. Perhaps we should ask people. No, I reckon we should suffer. Let's have it last. We'll have it last. Who are we going to ask? I don't know. You could do it twice. Eli, do you we should suffer. Let's have it last. We'll have it last, yeah. Look at it. Who are we going to ask? I don't know.

You could do it. Eli, do you want to have it second or first? I think you're right, because this isn't very funny. In terms of content creation, cynically speaking, yeah, we should go with it second. And start instead with this one, Eli. From the Coca-Cola Creations range, Paul. Now, is this a Western drink, or has it been imported? You bought it from a shop where it's been imported.

It could have been imported. All of the writing is in Chinese or Japanese. I can't tell. But look, get your translator out. Oh, I'll get me lens out. But creations are basically collaborations with celebrities. And they always have a sort of augmented reality aspect where you do the... What are those things called?

I don't know. Barcode things that you read that are square uh nsq codes what they call oh q qr codes qr code yeah yeah there was a little bit of that oh some but we've tasted three of these in the creations range paul uh but they've all been in um red bull can basically that that format the cylindrical thin this is in a bottle this is in a bottle this is in a bottle although there are tin versions of it according to the internet but i'm just having trouble it's all fucking tiktok links and i'm not interested in your fucking tiktoks so this must be the latest

one but they i haven't seen a can version of it in london i'm just trying to find this one in more than two it's y 3000 is what the drink is called, and it's Coca-Cola year 3000 creations, limited Chinese import. Wow. And one tin of it, if you buy it from this website, will cost you 14 euros. Well, I think I paid about £1.80, something like that, for that bottle. But I'm trying to find a link, and they're all... Perhaps we should sell it and not, you know... Future Flavoured, co-created with AI.

Oh, it's the first AI one. Well, it just says Future Flavoured, co-created with AI. Oh, it's the first AI one. Well, it just says Future Flavoured, co-created with AI. Zero sugar. Well, we've tasted three of these creations. One of them was Deadmau5, not Deadmau5, but one of those... Die Flader Mouse. No, who was the guy with the crosses in his eyes? The DJ?

Marshmallow. Yes, that's right. Marshmallow. Yeah, that's right. And Danger Mouse. It wasn't Danger Mouse. Danger Mouse and Marshmallow. And there was a one drink bymello. Yeah, that's right. And Danger Mouse. Wasn't Danger Mouse. Danger Mouse and Marshmello. And there was a one drink by a pop artist.

I can't remember the name of. They usually, with this creations range, they are collaborating in some way with some, usually a musician it looks like. Right. Or some kind of music person. And then you can cross promote like that. And that's what they've gone for. Oh no, it was a singer, wasn't it, for the last one?

Yeah, I said that. I just said that. It was a singer. God god you never listen to me you're always up in your own grill right i can't find anything more other than it's a future flavor drink created by ai now i do not have high expectations some of these have been really bad some of them have been sort of tolerable right yeah some some tolerable but mainly very bad there was that straw but the last one we did was strawberry flavoured. This is going to be like an, I predict, like Diet Coke, but with something nasty in. You know? Yeah.

Even more nasty Diet Coke. I know some people swear by Diet Coke. So the idea is that this is a Coca-Cola from the year 3000. Okay. Made with AI. So instead of collaborating with a real artist on this one, they've just gone, fuck that. We'll just use AI. This one does have a QR code on it.

Shall I give it a go? Follow the QR code. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Perhaps we'll go into a... We'll have a... I can have an AI lover talk about soda with. It's not working.

I don't give a fuck. I don't care. Right, you ready to taste it? Let's give... I'm going to give it a... I'll give it a huff first. Let's open up the bottle. I've chilled this,

by the way, everyone, so we're going to have it as huff first. Let's open up the bottle. I've chilled this, by the way, everyone. So we're going to have it as intended. It's got a nice bit of carbonation there, as you'd expect. And it's going in for a snuff snuff. What's hitting the nose there, Paul? Smells like strawberry Coca-Cola. Maybe it's the same flavour as last time. Because that was a strawberry one, wasn't it?

We've got a classic Coke colour. It was. It was a strawberry and something or other, but I can't remember what it was now. Strawberry and lychee or something like that. They all blend into one. Oh, yeah. That's quite a nice smell. It's not awful, but I don't know what it's going for.

Oh, it doesn't smell like Coke, like normal Coke. It has Coke notes at the end. But there's something brighter. There's no... It's almost... Floral? Yeah. There's no... It's almost... Floral? Yeah. Yeah.

It's more floral than normal Coke. Well, I'm going to give it a go. I've given it a huff. Now it's time to taste the stuff. That is fucking horrible. That's almost flavourless. Yeah, it's terrible. What?

Are you getting anything from that? Yeah, but it fades immediately, doesn't it? My tongue is fizzing with sweetener notes that chemical sweet sweetener yeah it's almost cardboardy the finish it's watery flat and watery and like sweetener tinged it tastes like a someone pretending like it tastes like an ai pretending it's like that machine you know the machine on hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy and he's trying to get it to make a cup of tea it's like a oh yeah the uh it's on the um on the spaceship yeah and he can't get it to do a decent cup of tea and it will do anything you like but that's like he's asked the machine to do a coke and it is it is like an ai they've asked the heart

of gold computer to make some coke and here's what they think it is that might be the worst one we've had mainly because it is so much nothing. I can't grab at a flavour there. No. My tongue almost wants to say strawberry. Yeah. But it's not strawberry. It doesn't have that herbal note

that strawberry has. It doesn't have any of the tartness of strawberry. But yes, it has a sort of artificial strawberiness that kind of arrives but then it's gone.

You know what I mean? It arrives and then it's gone, Paul. And then it's gone. It's like, who was that? Oh, it's gone. It's what I mean? It arrives, and then it's gone, Paul. And then it's gone. It's like, who was that? It's like a ghost. It's like you see it out of the flavor. It's the ghost of artificial strawberry

haunts this drink from the future. You see it in the corner of your eye, but when you turn to look at it, the flavor's gone. It's a fucking digital ghost that an AI has farted out its main stem. It's a flavor ghost that appears out of the corner of your tongue. And it goes, blip-blop, blip-blop.

So, here's a question why are all these Coca-Cola creations drinks fucking awful they don't care because it's all about the marketing

true but I have yet to taste one of these where I've gone oh I hope they keep that no and they're not even interested I don't think

it's just one marketing campaign after another yeah isn't it what I really liked was when they did those Coca-Cola, what are they called, mixers?

You know the ones that were made for cocktails? Yeah, the signature ones. They were great, and they had flavour, and they weren't spoiled by sweeteners because you would dare not put a sweetener into a cocktail. Oh, they were great. They absolutely agree. Basically, if you don't know, the signature range,

they had these little bottles. They had lovely... almost medicine bottle style old old school pharmacy sort of style bottles or old old school soldier jerk sort of yeah uh kind of bottling but each one had a different note that accentuated so there was a woody one a spicy one a different what were the others there's a spicy i can't remember uh herbal floral kind of Herbal. Herbal floral kind of one. Really lovely. And they were kind of designed to go with a cocktail or make with a cocktail. I mean, I don't know how successful they were in that respect.

Did they stop doing those? I have not seen them in, well, a year at least. Because I could make that cocktail that I make, the Keith's Witch Home Fashion. Oh, yeah. Anyway. With that, I just wanted, whilst we're on the subject of Coke, before we do the second drink with Paul, do you know what I discovered the other day? Do you know how you can identify the different makeup of what makes up the flavour profile of Coca-Cola?

Have you watched one of their YouTube videos where someone broke it down? No. It's a trick. And we should do it on the show. All right, go on. Because the sense of smell works through change. That's why if you sit in your own farts all day you get used to it you know yeah no as somebody walks into your room every now and then and walks into what

can only be described as are struggling off right i can imagine when you're sitting in it yeah no but you know as well you get used to smells yeah and then if it changes that's when you notice it so when you go to edinburgh and all you can smell of the hops in the air and you go, oh, I don't know about that. And then after a half an hour or so, you just don't notice it. So the sense of smell is much more, it will numb to the smell that's present constantly, basically. So you can hack this in order to isolate the different flavours in Coca-Cola. So what you do, because if Coca-Cola has lemon lemon it has orange yeah oil it has cinnamon it has all of those different things that make it up yeah so you take some cinnamon for example give a fresh

cinnamon and you give it a cinnamon bark i think you go you have it yeah and then you sniff the coke and then suddenly because that will be deleted that smell will be deleted from the smell of the coke for you right you can all the other ones pop out more. So therefore you'll go, oh, that tastes more orangey now. Yeah. Yeah.

Or whatever. You know what? I am happy to try that out. Isn't that interesting though? We should do that for the cheap show, digitize a Christmas stream. Definitely. And we'll bring a Coke along and then we'll bring some oranges,

some cinnamon. You know, you figure it all out. I'll go, I'll look into this Paul, because isn't that a fun thing? Yeah. That is a fun thing.

Oh, I can't wait. That'll be something to do. 21st of December, join Biffo, Sanya, Eli and I for an evening of Christmas entertainment on YouTube live. That'll be fun. More details to come. Paul, just before we move on, what would your mark be for the year 3000 Coca-Cola creations?

Although not revolting, it is deeply underwhelming and surprisingly flavourless. It's just all sweetness. So I would give that a one. Flat one. I'll go one and a half. It's very, very yet. Like you say, nothing much going on at all.

Nothing much going on at all. But the next drink may well have too much going on. Way too much. Tell me where you found this before you tell us what it is. Ben Steiner. Okay. Director of Clank & Man. And Matriarch. Way too much. Tell me where you found this before you tell us what it is. Ben Steiner. Okay. Director of Clank and Man.

And Matriarch. Matriarch, yeah. Which is on Disney+. A wonderful folk horror film. Found this. Sent me a photo. Yeah. I said, get me one of those. Get it.

He said, I can't. I've given it to my daughter. If I go back and they've got them there in the shop near him in Bristol he'll get me one and then he sent me a photo of one and he got it because this is a blue can

you can see photos on the Cheap Show website the CheapShow.co.uk it's a blue can has a little blue Pokemon it is a Pokemon it looks like a Pokemon

but I couldn't tell you if it is this is Pokemon branded this can oh it is there's the little Pokemon stamp oh I didn't even see

that first can I do a translate thing again? Yes, you can. But let's just get to it. Yeah. This is what really caught the attention of me, myself, Eli Silverman of Cheap Show.

Eli Silverman of Cheap Show. Although it was Ben that brought it to your attention. Sea salt. This is the flavour of a... This is a sparkling drink, yeah? Yes. And it is sea salt and what?

Sea salt... Talking to the microphone. Sea salt cheese flavor sparkling water that's what this says paul cheese and salt flavored fizzy water that is what i have in my hand now and we're about to taste paul and also next to it there is a little wedge of cheese oh there is a little bit of cheese there and it has little bits of blue bits so maybe it's a blue cheese and salt flavour. Right, I'm going to... He's going for the translation.

Yeah, it just says sea salt cheese flavoured sparkling water. That's it, really? You've already said it. There's not much on the front other than what you've already said. I believe this has been imported again, possibly. All right. Shall I? Oh, it's got an old, old ring pull.

Old school ring pull. I hope it's still in date. It'll be fine. Oh, well, look, if it isn't, we'll have the shits tomorrow. I don't think it would give you the shits. Right.

I haven't opened the tin like this in a while. So that must be one of the Pokemon characters, the seahorse thing. It's probably Squirtle or something. Oh, God,

these are terrifying to open. I forgot about that. They're very retro, aren't they? I'm giving a snuff. Oh, this is weird. What does it smell like? It kind of smells right now

to my nose without tasting it. It kind of smells like cream soda. Okay, so a vanilla note there. But it has got a little tang of cheese there, which is really weird.

Oh, dear. Let me just pour this and then I'll pass it on. It's just see-through clear. Is it fizzy at all? Yeah, it's got some carbonation. Oh, is it see-through? Is it slightly yellow? No, it's only yellow by that light.ation oh is it see-through is it slightly yellow no

it's only yellow by that light it's i think that's clear right i'm gonna smell it now you give it a sniff it kind of feels like oh it smells like cheesecake well it smells at the back of your fridge it smells like cheesecake does it that yes that combination of vanilla a little bit yeah yeah it's also a little bit stale it It's a bit cheesy, isn't it? It's got like a damp cardboard box scent to it. It's got a real creamy cheesiness to it. It's like if someone left a load of diseased cocks in a box. It also reminds me of the smell of like Yoplait.

Maybe they were Doplait. Do you remember those fromage frais? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it smells like, fromage frais. It smells like fromage frais, everyone. Frais bentos. I don't know why I said that. Just because you said fray.

My brain went, say fray bentos, Paul. I know. That's how you operate, Paul. John Nettles. Oh, the best man in the world. Pour it. Every time I go back for another niff-naff, it gets worse. I'm not going to taste it until you're ready to go.

I don't want to jump the gun on this. Oh, he's poured quite a healthy amount out. It's clear. Yeah. We don't have to to go. I don't want to jump the gun on this. Always pour quite a healthy amount out. Yes, it is clear. Yeah. We don't have to finish this. We don't have to finish this. No, true, but we might like it. We don't know.

Shall we try in three, two, one? Well, it's not repulsive, but I don't know what that is. It tastes very much like the flavour, which is a cheesecake flavour, if you ask me. I'm not getting a saltiness at all. No. Actually, it's not bad. Yeah, it's not too bad. Oh, that's a shame. I thought it was going to be fucking all. No. Actually, it's not bad. Yeah, it's not too bad. Oh, that's a shame.

I thought it was going to be fucking awful. But it's weird. It's okay. It's very watery and aspartame-y in the same way as the cola, isn't it? Do you know what it tastes like? It falls off. A little bit. Like someone's put a barocca in it.

Because it's got a kind of medicine-y thing there somewhere. It's a bit off putting the cheesiness that comes up the nose the olfactory cheese. Yeah because the flavour is really kind of like weak cream soda but in the nose you get that little whiff of cheddar.

The little cheddar whiff. There's a little fucking there's a little hint of cheese around this. Just like you say to a girl when she's about to suck your willy. Isn't that right Eli?

Oh I've doused it in vanilla but there may be a remaining whiff of the cheddar. There will be a bit of cheddar on the tip. Just to warn you, love. I don't say that. No, you don't.

How could you? You never get the opportunity, do you? I might in the future, though, Paul. And if they listen to this and go, she is fat. He is a fat cunt. I agree with this. But people might like a man with girth, you know? Girth, wind and fire.

Don't worry about that. Yeah, will they, though? Will they? Or will it just be the old sad sausage show again? Hello and welcome to the old sad sausage show. Today we've got... Miserable Todger. And the Little Willies with I Can't Get It Up No More.

Oh, look, and here's the next band, Glum Todger. And here's the next band. He's a folk artist, Glum Todger. And here's the next band. He's a folk artist, Glum Todger. Oh, I've got a willy that stinks of caffili. Are you... Bravo!

Bravo, Paul! I don't know, that's sometimes I pull it out the bag. Caffili, Paul. I don't know. Sometimes I pull it out the bag. Caffè Le Brilhant. That is a cheese as well. It is. That's why I said it. It's very good. All right.

I'm done. I'm out of here. See you next week, Eli. No, there's a definite cheesiness hanging around. Very much like the ghost of artificial digital strawberry in our first book. True, but actually, I'm going to go ahead and say I prefer that to the Coke. Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

Really? No, I couldn't drink a whole... It's not as bad as I thought, because basically... You know what, now that I've had half a cup, I feel quite nauseous. There's no... They can't put salt... Make it a salty drink. No.

That's a lie. Because it'll make you sick. They just put salt because it's a sea creature so that's part of the sort of branding the salt but there is a cheese note. Do you see what I mean?

Right. I want to stop because salt water is what they give you to make you vomit. Yeah I know. Is that what's happening? No well I've

mate I'm going to give that a two and then we need to move on because I need to drink something that's very different from either oh god

fucking smell that. Right let's take it over with and then we need to move on because I need to drink something that's very different from either. Oh, God. Fucking smell that. Right, let's take it over with. I've grossed myself out, man. You did a throat fart right in my face. You didn't smell that. Right, anyway. Right, before we get on to our next segment,

we're going to drop in a little advert. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so listen, longtime friend of the show Ben Baker he's a very funny man with some very very excellent books and he's got one

coming out that I think that we think is part of Cheap Show you should give your attention to and hey maybe even buy it so I'm not even going to say no more

I'm going to turn it over to Ben Ben it's up to you mate we'll see you back after this for Silverman's Platter yeah quite a good fucking link, that. That was a good one. Not a bad one, that. Caffili.

Hello, cheap showers, or cheap showists, or cheapo, lovelyo, niceo people. Hi, I'm Ben Burker, and I've been on Cheap Show a few times in the past, mainly judging audio piss and the like, but Paul and Eli by proxy have very kindly let me jump on to tell you about my new book.

Ahem. Promo voice on. Hey, do you remember Teabag? Around the bend? And Tommy Boyd in extraordinarily tight shorts? Then you'll love the dreams we had as children. Back in the 80s and 90s, British kids in their millions tuned into hundreds of weird, wacky and wonderful programmes put out under the heading of Children's ITV, and I've picked 40 of the very best in my new book, plus lots of bonus articles,

eyebrow-raising trivia and particularly silly jokes. From Art Attack to Zap and other programmes that didn't feature Neil Buchanan, The Dreams We Had As Children isn't the ultimate guide to old kids' TV. It's a bloody fun one. Available now in print and digital. Visit linktree, linktr.ee, slash benbakerbooks for more information. And now back to your regularly scheduled grot. Well, that was a lovely message from our friend. Wasn't that wonderful?

And we recommend that you wholeheartedly treat yourself this Christmas to Ben's book. And if you don't, then that's on you. And I'll be treating myself to all sorts of things. Go on. Go on. Just say wank and chod. I won't. Well, go say throb your knobbing or whatever it is you say.

That you think is so utterly witty. Some nice chocolates, maybe. Oh, all right. Maybe a bottle of wine. Yeah. And then a fucking huge wank. Oh, Eli. Oh, you sausage boy.

Oh, just warming up into it, Paul. All right, we're taking a little break. We've had a break, haven't we? We've had a break from doing this pod, Paul. Yeah, we're just taking a little break in the middle of recording to, you know, get our head back. No, I just mean when we've been putting out

the LA stuff and the live stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had a break. We haven't done mean when we've been putting out the LA stuff and the lifestyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't done this. It's like a muscle. It's like a muscle. You don't use it. Warm it up. It loses its strength.

It's strength. Get back into the cheap, slow muscle. Get the elasticity going. And I'll fucking use wings. Use wings. I will stroke my stem until the cobwebs come. Anyway. Oh, no. Why are you wearing sunglasses? Oh, go on. Because I'm cool. This is the cool cobwebs come. Anyway. Oh, no.

Why are you wearing sunglasses? Oh, go on. Because I'm cool. This is the cool bit of the show. Okay. This is the real cool bit of the show. Yeah, Daddy-O. Yeah, baby.

Listen, baby. Okay, just a little thing, baby. I'm going to stroke my... Listen. I've got a little something for you now, baby. Yeah. I've got a little something for you. Go on.

Oh, ha, ha. I've got a little something for you. All right. I got a little something for you. I got a little something for you. Indeed. And I'll give you just three guesses to figure out just what it is at the end of the song. I've got a little something for you, baby.

Hey, baby. You said stroke my stem until the cobwebs come. I've got a better one. Go on. Stroke my stem until it coughs up its special phlegm. Quietly disagree. Special phlegm?

I've got special phlegm. No, can I do this bit, though? Because it's my part of the show. I wonder why I'm so single. I don't like it when you make fun of me Thomas, me squat cock. Me Thomas and me squat cock. Never heard that reggae track before Sounds more like a You know

What novelty hit Northern practice Hey Hey Go get the Thomas and the squat knobs out I've got a chubby muff hole Right Can you fucking just get on board

The reality train please with me you just gotta do one thing one thing for me twang the chubby moth right it's just that it's just that the reality train's

pulling out a gobshit film oh don't wait for me wait for me bye bye I'll never call back to reality now oh dear

right this is the part of the show no it's my part of the show I know but you talk shit mate so I have to do all the leg work you keep interrupting me I'm building up to something do it now hello welcome to this part of the show. No, it's my part of the show. I know, but you talk shit, mate, so I have to do all the legwork. You keep interrupting me. I'm building up to something.

Do it now. Hello. Welcome to this part of the show we call Silverman's Platters. And it's all about vinyl that we find. We love a novelty record. We do. We love a weird instrumental record. We do.

We love uncovering the mysteries behind long-forgotten demos that no one has heard. We do. And bizarre tie-in toys as well we do and i don't mind saying paul yes this present hall this three-track hall we've got here this week was from two visits to a charity shop that i made last week these visits yes up in hornsey high road hornsey high road it's called like the hardington foundation or something like that okay or the and these are all from that but on different journeys yes different trips the first time i went i just got that first one which we're going to talk to in a minute and i literally they

were literally closing the shop right i was like oh no because i saw that and i thought i've got that that's one of the biggest finds of my whole record collecting life in the charity shop literally interesting up there with other things but they were closing there were two other boxes whole boxes of seven inch singles waiting oh fuck and you were like I'll never flick through this

fast enough yeah my flicking fingers are out of practice yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I need practice yeah

me twanging fingers yeah your twanging hand was out of practice right but it is a very similar movement isn't it? Flicking through records and... And touching a lady's fanny part.

Yes, I guess so. I guess so. When I'm going through records, I like to imagine that I'm... You're pleasuring a lady. I'm playing whack-a-mole on someone's clip. Whack-a-mole on someone. You horrible man.

Right, we're moving on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is... Anyway, but then... and gentlemen oh right let me finish my story at least then at least stop interjecting in your own story oh no sorry i do do that go on so you went back and i but i couldn't get through i only got through a little bit of the next box basically so i came back the next day and found a lot more stuff yeah including some japanese copies of singles right with the with the different because the japanese seven inch singles have a loose for the cover of the picture cover they have just a square of paper yes they're different things a couple of those all for a quid and some amazing stuff so without any further ado let's get into our tracks right now we're going to start off with this first one and this is the one that you say is your big find.

A big, big find for me. A big moment for me, everybody. All right. Well, briefly tell everyone what we're about to play. We'll just pick one. Which one of those do you want us to play in this instance? Well, I think you should go for a bit of the first track. Right.

And also a little bit of the last track. Well, I'll pick one. I'm not doing both. They're all very similar. So this is an EP, Paul. Yes. Castle, it says at the top, and then it says

rhythmic electronic music. Right. What year is this? I don't know, but it has to be early 60s at the latest. Right, well then, let's play one of those tracks

right now and come right straight back to you. so so Well, that was a nice bit of kind of spooky hauntology kind of music type thing. It's called Rhythm Electronic Music Castle, and it's a four-track EP. It says on the back, the themes on this record are intended for effects and background, for tape recording cine film and dramatic production what we would call commonly library music i guess it is but it's it's for the public which is what bbc did with all of their sound effects records yeah they sold they say

it's for home movie making or whatever yeah all their horror ones and all they had a whole series of them because what else would you do with an album full of fucking spooky sound effects or street sounds i guess yes but sometimes it crosses over into music such as out of this world which is a beat which is meant to be sound effects for horror and uh sci-fi right but it's all radiophonic orchestra stuff so it's weird little compositions so like i call things like cave of the of the ice or something. Okay. And those are brilliant little pieces of music. And this has a very BBC Radiophonic feel, you'll agree. It really does.

Now, BBC Radiophonic Orchestra was around at this point, I'm imagining, right? I don't know. I think this predates it. Really? Yeah. Have a look. Now, it's Castle Music, and like it says on the back...

And we found almost nothing online, by the way. Aren't they brothers or something? There's two men. It says on the actual disc itself... Oh, does it, by the way. Aren't they brothers or something? There's two men. It says on the actual disc itself. Oh, does it? Yeah. Because I couldn't find

anything on Wikipedia. Check this out. Look at this. Recorded by F.C. Judd. F.C. Judd. Look for F.C. Castle Music, F.C. Judd. Well, I just wanted to

find out what the BBC Radiophonic workshop, when they started. I think 64, 65? 1958. Ah. To produce incidental music and new sounds for radio and later tv so maybe this is contemporaneous as you say maybe so what was the name of the artist

you wanted me to look for jp judd or something fc judd fc and that ju double d yes and look up castle in relation to that castle music all right well i'm looking it up now there's all i can find mate or other listings on discogs and ebay for various volumes of it like there's volume two volume one there's one that's called background sound effects and there's one called electronic themes and music concrete yeah something like that concrete uh they were all least in the 60s these okay so 63 it looks like for these nice. Nice. They go right now on eBay and such for about 26 quid.

Not bad. I got it for a quid. Yeah, not bad at all. And it's got the picture cover. Oh, there's a Haunted House one they did. Oh my word. Oh my word.

How much does that go for? I mean, I'm looking on... Is that another EP? Yes, I'm looking... It's the exact same as that. It almost looks exactly the same, but this one's

Haunted House, Mystery Sounds and Music. And look at the cover on it. Brilliant. Oh my God, that's so much more hauntology. Yeah. That's so 70s.

Are you going to post that on the website? I'll post that picture on the website, but that... Just everything that I love about the past is embodied

in these artifacts. Bones and Change, Footsteps and Clocks, Heartbeats, Ghosts and Maniac Laughter. And this says it was recorded... It just says 60s. these are bones and change footsteps and clocks heartbeats ghosts and maniac laughter and this says it was recorded just says 60s there's very little information but they must have been an independent british outfit that just made this stuff yeah i guess and i love the design uh on the cover of this as it's a sort of geometric shape like an abstract geometric shape in that

yeah like you would make with a spirograph maybe. Yes, it's like a spirograph thing, but it also has that look of a modernist sculpture of, you know, like Barbara Hepworth or whatever. I know what that is.

That was the kind of shit my nan had hung up on her living room wall and they were all made with like pins and a board with like gold strings. Yeah, with the strings. Did your nan have some of that?

Yeah, my nan had, my mum's side of the family, they had artwork like that on the wall. I used to take, I got in trouble because I pulled them all off. Not my family, the string and the pins. I would love, I want, I now collect these. But honestly, there's only one of these on Discogs

that is 60 quid. So in terms of like finding something that I could sell for more. I mean, the sleeve's a bit damaged. That's probably going to affect the price. The sleeve's damaged. It is a bit noisy, the disc as well. But it's not in terrible condition.'s not once it gets going it sounds warm

enough he had just got those pops and crackles yeah probably deep seated now yeah but what a find it's you know what and i love i love that you're right it's like that liminal space hauntology spooky vibe of it that you can imagine playing out on a big crappy speaker in an abandoned hallway and we've discussed paul we might use actually some of this as background in an upcoming production from Cheap Show. But it's similar to when I found that music, mime and movement, BBC,

radiophonic LP. Yes. For schools, BBC for schools thing. Yeah. I just love this era of electronic. You know what though? The earliest era, basically.

The weird thing about this is, right, have you ever got, do you ever like listen to something and it dates it? And for a while, that element that dates it puts you off listening to it.

But then after a while, what dates it makes it really attractive. The only example I can think of is like James Bond 007 theme. You know that disco theme with all the electronic music? Marvin Hamlisch.

Yeah, and they use that in, is what is it, The Spy Who Loved Me or whatever the fuck it is, right? It was The Spy Who Loved Me, I think. And at the time you think oh this is shit this isn't moonraker no it's not definitely not moonraker but either way you listen to it the tiger god this dates this bomb film and makes it sound shit compared to the lush john barry score and then now i'm like it's my favorite score i love that music i've got it on a seven inch i think we've discussed it

before we've got a tune called ride to atlantis yes because that's the name of this of the base that he the bad guy that's also from the film yes as well but what i'm saying is like at a certain point this went from something i had no interest in listening to to god i love the sound of this it has a sort of creepiness that spooky children's tv yeah sort of vibe you know that is it you can't people try to fake it they try and make music the that has that vibe now. And this was just almost, it's, the other thing that appeals to me is it's so ephemeral. These people, JC Judd, probably did it in his garage or whatever. Yeah, maybe.

And was into the electronics of it. Because that's the company, isn't it? And just thought this will just be used just as background, just as. Maybe it'll be used for a science program or whatever. But it's got this sort of love this sort of craft in it and it's not but it's not meant to jump out as music and that gives it that sort of ambient vibe as well yeah it's meant to sink into the tone of the overall piece it's being used in yes but because it's so dated yeah it has this all this other baggage so to speak

that comes along with it that what you're talking about, that gives it a quality to a present-day listener. But that's what you lean into now. You lean back into the things that you were once ashamed of in your past and now celebrate in that nostalgic way that gives you a vibe. It's a vibe thing, isn't it? I love this stuff.

You know what? Let's just jump straight to it. This is a platter for me. I very much enjoyed it. Great. So we're going to move on to the... Oh, yeah, I was just going to say, what's the name of the company?

Castle. No, I mean, that's the label, but Recorded Tuition Limited. That must be the Woodford E18. Is that London? Yeah. Oh, okay. See, that's where he must have lived.

Well, certainly, you know, he had a shed. We haven't Googled that, have we? The recordings are free of copyright for amateur purposes. That's what I mean. We're very amateur, so we will be using this. Let me just look up that briefly

before we move on. All right. What is it what is it called recorded perhaps there's more information about i've already looked that up there's nothing online for recorded tuition limited i had a look and there's nothing bizarre right we're gonna move on to our next track which i would say is more bizarre and frankly a little i mean there's not much to say about this but there is one thing i wanted to mention so yeah that you haven't told me right so what is it Eli that we're going to listen to now

nah we're going to have not the dub mix no because it's basically the same it's very similar yeah on both sides this record jumped out at me Paul

as a sure thing platter for us to discuss this is the singing oh boy howdy this is the singing sheep with bar bar black sheep

hit it This is the Singing Sheep with Bar Bar Black Sheep. Hit it! Bye. so so So I'm just going to get this out of the way now. Fucking hate stuff like that. And we saw the cover, didn't we, Paul? Yes. And we both made the same prediction of what it would contain. And we were reasonably correct. There were a few spins on it. There's a whole genre of novelty record that utilised,

I think it was one piece of technology that came through in the 80s. The sampler? No, it's the MIDI sampler specifically. Well, yeah. Which allowed you... Moog was a sampler basically, wasn't it? No, synthesiser. Oh, okay.

Well, no, I don't think it even was a synthesiser, a Moog. Okay. Do you know a Moog could only play one note at once? That's why it was, you had to multitrack everything to get like chords and things. To get chords, yeah. But I think the first synths allowed you to play chords.

But midis, utilised well by... Well, dance groups and... But also the art of noise, famously. Do, do, do, do, do. See, that's midi. What it allowed you to do

is take a sample and then... Do, do, do, do, do, do. Play it. Do, do, do. La, la, la. There we go. It was like an itch I had to scratch. Play it. There we go. It was like an itch I had to scratch. I love that rhythm.

It allows you basically to put one sample on and play it on a keyboard. So all the different tones. Because this must have come out long after those albums or singles where it was like cats doing Christmas hits or shit like that. Yeah, that's it. And also very early on in the history of this show, Paul, we covered a record called Superdog.

Superdog. Which Simon Cowell was behind, right? Well, this is where this gets interesting. Oh, Cowell's behind this as well. No. The plastic-faced wanker. No. But yes, that was also used, a dog sample,

and played a song as if the dog was singing. And doesn't New Shoes' No, it doesn't have a dog sound effect. It just makes me think of a dog. Like a That one. So, we looked into this because we thought, what the fuck?

Because it's, you know, it's a novelty song, but yet it's got the production of something that wants to be taken seriously in like a dance, you know, dance chart disco tech. It has a dance backing, let's put it that way. And it is, of course, a version of Bar Bar Black Sheep, but then it kind of goes into Tchaikovsky at the end

it does have the Tchaikovsky for the big finale they're just showing off trying to say look what this technology can sort of do it's like it's basically being

musically drunk at the wheel this track it's like I can't fucking do anything the B side is called Flock Around the Clock which we thought

would be a Bill Bill Haley Bill Haley thing yeah Bill Bailey won't you come home but it wasn't it was a dub version Which we thought would be a Bill Haley thing. Bill Bailey. Bill Bailey. Won't you come home? But it wasn't.

It was a dub version of the A-side. A bit boring. Another version of Bar Bar Black Sheep. So, looked into it because, you know, what the fuck? Why was it released? Now, the official singles chart website says it peaked at 42. I would have guessed it got top 30, but, you know. But 18th of December 1982, it was released in the charts for five weeks.

Yeah, it peaked at 42, which in itself is quite an achievement because 42, I know you don't break the top 40, but you still have to sell a lot of records to get that far. Well, especially in that era. And that's quite a long time to stay in the charts, isn't it?

Five weeks, over a month. Where do you have to enter into the charts to be considered on weeks in the top? It's the Billboard top 100. Well, no, charts isn't it five weeks over a month where do you have to enter into the charts to be considered on you know like weeks in the top the billboard top 100 no this is this is that isn't billboard that's america this is the uk it's the top 100 so you're in the top 100 you're then you're on the charts for those weeks so yeah so they could have been right at the bottom for ages and then they could have we don't know the exact journey but um i think the point you're trying to make paul is it looks like they probably made their money back on this they didn't deserve to

but they did do a whole thing with a picture of a sheep singing with a microphone in a field and also they've gone for lots of cute details

like they've called the record label they've called it Sheep Records and this is BAA1 is the index number but didn't you say it was also

yeah but didn't you also say it was virgin it is virgin yeah well would it surprise you that the guy who made this put it together is a guy called

Jeff Mutton yes it says so that's what I thought that's obviously a fake name and maybe you'd think oh maybe he called the thing sheep

because his name was Mutton and he thought ha ha ha ha no it's an alias of someone of course who do you think

it could be Steve Wright no it is Richard Branson it's branson himself allegedly fucking sell out branson put this together yeah and put it out there more money because when did he start virgin records like 70s late 70s and so maybe he thought i'll just toss this out it's my record label maybe it'll chart and it did i guess yeah so shame on you shame on you richard branson it's

really cynical i bet someone just said look look what can do with this new midi uh keyboard uh look oh you could do blah blah you know what i mean 1972 he founded virgin record label with nick powell and then it didn't really it didn't really take off until he had that huge hit with um i don't know tubular bells oh was that on Virgin yes and that's what really launched the label in terms of that was a huge hit right well I mean

ultimately though what is there else to say about it it's cynical and the fact that he's behind it makes me feel that it's even more cynical

you know it's produced fine it's a novelty record it's a novelty record but it looks like I'm bored I'm going to knock this out it's my company it won't cost me that much and if I make a bit back oh it looks like I'm bored I'm going to knock this out it's my company

it won't cost me that much and if I make a bit back oh it was all a bit of fun and it might hit you know because sometimes stupid fucking records like that does

I mean you know as we say Stymie Cowell with Superdog and he also had a hand in Zig and Zag getting now that is a great

novelty record what those them girls them girls they all love me them girls is a fucking great boom boom check out the room check it the record the room go boom yeah

based on that record is like yeah that's a well-produced dance novelty it is and then they did a fucking line dancing sequel follow-up track no hands up hands up ragamuffin cowboy coming i quite like that one as well it's all right We should cover that but you never see that. I have it on CD single. Yeah, but you never see the vinyl of that. No. You see the first one on vinyl.

You do a lot. So look, splatter or platter for you. I mean, we both know where we're going with this. It's unfortunately a splatter for us. A cynical splatter.

It's the kind of splatter that takes three or four flushes to get off the outside of the bowl. It really does. It's a terrible record. You have to dab it with some toilet paper and rub it off the porcelain to get it to flush.

It's one of those splatters. Okay. And now we end with, again, not something that we think is remarkable in any way apart from one thing. So this track, can I introduce this one? Of course. I want to change the mood.

Okay. We've had a bit of fun today. Yeah. And I think now it's time to search within our soul for a track that I think will bring out a bit of love. A bit of love. And that's what this world needs, Paul think will bring out a bit of love. A bit of love. And that's what this world needs, Paul. To bring out a bit of hope and, you know, just relax, baby.

Some kindness in the world. Just some kindness. So why don't we turn to a very famous brother musical act with a track called More To Love. This is Jeff and Keith Chegwin. Yes, with that track More To love. I used to think that love was a night game I'd just go home before the morning came. But no one ever knew me like you do. When you're around, I don't want to leave you. The whole part of me may be satisfied The heart of me will never survive

When the night is through, I'll still want you There's more than love Now, I saw this, Paul, and I thought of you. Thanks, I guess. I thought of us. We're brothers, aren't we? Brothers in Cheap Show. I guess. We're not blood brothers

you know what the cover art is like it's like that aha video yeah I was going to say take on me again images on our website cheapshow.co.uk but yeah

it's like a kind of skensel skenseled sketched and stenciled it's a photograph which has been treated to look like a drawing by secret

is it secret there's the label secret records yeah I guess not even top secret no just secret night after night is the B-side.

So look, it's Keith Chegwin. And obviously Keith Chegwin started out as an actor before he became known as a TV celebrity. Yeah. I always expect him in his songs to like go, Oh, there's more of you to love. Yee! And I want...

Because he did Weez. And he was a heavy smoker, wasn't he? And a drinker. Anyway. The song itself. Let's talk about the song itself first. When he was younger, I think he was more known foroker wasn't he and a drinker anyway the song itself let's talk about the song itself when he was younger I think he was more known

for like trying to break the pop charts and being an actor because he was in was it Polanski's Romeo and Juliet or something oh was he yeah

a small role but he was in that as an actor and he might have done a few other TV plays and things whatever now we've covered him

as a musician as well Brown Sauce which was the band that came out of the swap shop, right? Yes, we have. I just want to be a winner. With Maggie Philbin. Maggie Philbin.

Who he was married to. He was at the time. God knows what she saw in him because Christ almighty. I mean, I know I've got a slappable face, but his. Oh, come on. I never cared for Chegwin. I know. I'm sorry.

I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but everything about him made my teeth itch like a bad cocaine hit. Less, I mean, that's a non-seymour. We're just going to move on. Less smug than Bruno Brooks, who he sometimes is confused with. Is he? Moving on.

So look, yeah. The song itself. Weak piss. It's not awful it's bland to the point of terribleness but that's the problem with that music at the time

when you were trying to be a young fresh faced star or maybe you were an actor on the TV and you wanted to be known as the sensitive singer you just brought out

the lamest middle of the road very middle of the road no edges cosy your mum will like it too bollocks it's got a Beatles-esque vibe.

To me, I thought I was listening to the new Beatles record now and then for a moment. Oh, hello. It's not that bad. Oh, Big Bang Bong. It's a fine Beatles song, but if it hadn't been a lost AI-built track, no one would care about it.

God. Anyway, the reason why I thought we could mention it is because I was like, well, we know about Keith. We know old Keithy Weefy. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha. Grr, grr. What's that? Cheggers plays pop. the reason why I thought we could mention it is because I was like well we know about Keith we know old Keithy Weefy hoo ha hoo ha aaaargh aaaargh what's that?

Cheggers plays pop Cheggers plays pop that was the that was the sign the button you used to press hoo ha hoo ha whatever it's like a cartoon

it's like a cartoon donkey yeah it is it's like hoo ha hoo ha aaaargh but I thought I don't know anything about jeff who is jeff chegwin who is jeff chegwin please jeff win cheg f illuminate me well i went to his website because

jeff chegwin has one and when you look at him he doesn't like a cross between i mean no offense the guy because obviously he's aged in time he's lost his hair but he does look like a cross between keith chegwin and fester from the adams. Yeah, he does. Diddly dum. So I want to know more about him. So I went to his website and I just thought I'd read this because I think he works. I think he's one of these guys who's always kept a toe in the entertainment industry. And as a result, he's a little bit of an everyman. He does a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Right. And I think he does promotion now. Okay. So let me just read out what he writes here on his website. No ordinary music man is the caption. And it says, I am different to other promotion people. Promotion people. Because I'm the brother of late star Keith Jagger.

Yeah. I'm a broad creative myself with a genuine passion for music and unearthing the new. I think of creative ideas which others simply don't. Oh, come on, Jeff. Over a lengthy, broad career spanning multiple generations. Lengthy and broad. Yes, like my cock. Yay! And all music genres, I have a proven track record,

including, including Eli, promoting Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, fuck off. What does that mean? Because as far as I know wasn't that a Keith Chegg? Not Keith Chegg, wasn't that a Kenny Everett thing? Like he and Everett kept playing it over and over together. Oh, Everett did it. Perhaps he was moving in the same circles as Everett.

Maybe they're both Scousers. He discovered Billy Bragg. Oh, God. Poe bodies no effect. He created Simon Cowell's first ever top ten boy band. Who were? It doesn't say. I could look into it,

but fuck you, Jeff Chegwin. Yeah. He's promoted Paul McCartney, Elvis Costello, and Pavarotti. Okay, fair enough.

All right. And he likes to promote cutting-edge new artists. I have a natural intuition and a seventh sense radar for spotting interesting talent really and have wise owl knowledge wise owl knowledge i get excited about music and i'm always encouraging and motivating the new i believe everything is possible and if you believe and visualize your dreams they will materialize if you believe you are a dreams they will materialize. If you believe

you are a star and have a unique talent you'll be a star if combined with determination dedication respect and a reliable worth ethic

and listen to guidance. Pay me money and listen to me. Yeah. And I'll make you a star. He's an award winning music producer with over 40 years

of experience. He has worked with all the major and independent labels and he lists a load of them jeff has promoted premium artists at a high at the highest level creating bespoke campaigns to individualize and create mexican medium exposure blah blah blah he works with mike gore cot who is also part of the jeff chegwin pr team right maybe we should get them to maybe work for a cheap show. Yeah,

maybe we should get Jeff Chegwin to promote us. Oh, imagine that. Just don't listen to episode 361. Just don't, you fester-looking prick. So do we think he wrote the song?

Because it is, I'm looking at the credit, the writer's credit. I mean, maybe. And More To Love does have a, no, which is More To Love

is the A. More To Love is the A. Yeah, he doesn't write that. The B. No. Which we liked a bit better has a Chegwin. It just says Chegwin. Christ, is the A. Yeah, he doesn't write that. The B. No. Which we liked a bit better. Has a Chegwin. It just says Chegwin.

Christ. Look at this. Mate, mate. He's worked with Robbie Williams, the Dreamgirls soundtrack, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Honor Blackman, Shirley Bassey,

Beverly Knight Jr. Mama used to say. That's that one, isn't it? He's worked with Naughty Boy Studios, Cliff Richard, Bananarama, Dead or Alive. But what's that boy band he was talking about?

What's all this? Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Billy Bragg, Elvis Costello, Paul Heaton, Queen, T-Rex, Mark Bolan, 10cc, Judy Collins, David Essex, Roger Cook, Band Sauce. I don't know what Band Sauce is. No? No idea. I don't know. I don't know.

Now, did this chart? Oh, it doesn't say. What shall I? More to love, Keith and Jeff Che chegwin jeff and keith jeff comes before keith especially in a threesome but he was never a star so i wonder why oh it's it's not it's not listed on the charts it didn't chart let me just put jeff chegwin in fuck me he hasn't a single fucking thing listed on the official charts nothing is keith chegwin listed all right let's have a look at keith chewin on the charts. He's not fucking listed either.

No, they never made it. Did that... Brown Sauce never got anywhere. All right, let me just look for Brown Sauce. Yeah, artist. Brown Sauce is listed. Ah, that must be the most success he's had with a group. Artists, Brown Sauce, top 40 hit.

I want to be a... Yeah, okay. That's it, yeah. That got in the top 40. That got to number 15. Ah. It was in the charts for 15 weeks. I bet that's his best position.

But Jeff had nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with it. I don't know. It doesn't say, but he's not listed on there. When it comes to judging this music, Paul, having heard what he says, his boasts on his website, it makes me feel even worse about this. Do you know?

It puts my opinion right down because this is to say a generic piece of forgettable fluff yeah no one ever needs to hear that even the charts won't recall where how would you describe it's like middle of the road pop country basically it's like a country song sort of it's like use that fucking guy who was an american sitcom and they don't give up on us baby david soul it's like he's's that fucking guy who was in an American sitcom, and they were, don't give up on us, baby. David Soul. It's like they're all trying to do the David Soul thing, aren't they? They're all trying to lean into that, your mum's like me too,

and you think I'm a dreamboat as well. And no one is offended. There's absolutely no edge to this. It's inoffensive to the point of offence, basically. Well, I can't wait to say splatter for this. This is a splatter. This is a kind of thick splatter. This is like coating the whole inside of the bowl.

And you have to warn everyone else in the house and say, look, apologise profusely. And then say, where are those Joss sticks? Oh, we've run out. Oh, I'm going to have to get my links and spray it in there. It's not working. It's not working. Oh, God, we're going to have to...

And it's also like when you've passed the solid and you've caused the spatter that's all on your arse cheeks too and that ain't coming out because of your hairs it's clinging to your hairs up there it's that kind of spatter it really is

a mucky claggy mess back there and the bog roll is now lodged round the U-bend Cheap shows out

every week everyone every week and top quality humour and wry observations. Anyway, what do you think? It's a splatter

from me as well. Yeah, we're both splattering the ball with this one. But hey! So from the three we have one very interesting

splatter from Castle Music Rhythmic Electronic Music EP. But there's some other things which we listened to today that I found

from that haul. Oh yeah, we'll get into that another time. No spoilers. Because if we touch on it we listened to today that I found from that haul. Oh yeah, well we'll get into that another time. No spoilers. Okay. Because if we touch on it we'll end up

talking about it so let's just draw a line, step back, the platter's over. Nice little haul though, right? Nice little haul today and we hope

you've enjoyed that little haul too. So let's take a little break and come back and wrap this baby up, shall we? And that's the end

of Cheap Show this week. We hope you've enjoyed it. to scrud it up i like to scrud it up oh i like to scrud it up don't scrud it down no no no oh i've got a scruddy hand and the scrud site up your face oh and i'm going out now and i've got a lovely face. He's Eli Silverman, rapper boy. He knows where he goes, where he hides the toy. He's going to pop out now, then come right back. Don't stop, don't break, don't have a heart attack.

Eli Silverman's here. He's got the scrud to go. He's got to bring it back. He's got to start the show. So bend over. It is time. It's girth and time from just behind. Thanks for listening, everybody.

And that's Cheap Show this week. Look, as we like to say now, if you want to know more about us, if you want to follow us on social media, if you want to see videos or you want to see pictures that go with every episode, our website is the one-stop shop. Thecheapshow.co.uk. Every episode has a dedicated page where you can see pictures and sometimes videos. Also, there's links to our P.O. box.

If you want to send us stuff in the PO box, please do. We welcome your offerings to add to the content of this episode and everything else, social media, YouTube pages, it's all there. Other than that, we want to say thank you to our Patreon supporters who, without their help, we wouldn't do this or it wouldn't be anywhere near as fun. So thank you to you guys. Thank you so much, patrons, my beard. It's oiling in anticipation.

It's oiling in anticipation for the great Christmas scrubbage. Yes. Scrudge on the window. Scrudge on the door. Scrudge everywhere that you just can't ignore. I will scrudge up your window. Anyway, patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. If you want to join the cheapskates there and get more podcasts, video episodes, events,

magazines, behind the scenes things, and little trinkets and secrets and all sorts of stuff. It's all there, depending on the tier you join at, but we thank you if you do. And remember, give what you can, but only if you can. And that's it for this week. All right. Oh, by the way, I've cancelled the office party this year. What's the fucking point? What? After last year, I'm not doing it again. I was fine last year.

All that money spent on a snowy cabin. Oh, come on, mate. And all you did was all get fucking pissed and make me look like a dickhead and chuck me out into the snow. So, no, I'm just not going to bother. Come on, we don't have to do that.

No, I'm not going to do it. Oh, we need an office party for Christmas, Paul. No, we don't. We obviously don't. It's the highlight of my podcasting year. It's when I get to meet

everyone else involved in the pod. Not your trip to LA this year. You don't think that was good? That was good. Of course that was good. But I just think we could get everyone

to come, you know. No one's going to fucking come. You know what? You know what? No, you're right. You don't have to hire an expensive place. We could just get like, you know, just a port-a-cab in somewhere. Fine.

I'll send some messages to the people, like Susan, Helm and Biffo and Putner and stuff and see what they say. Ethan? Yeah, and Ethan. I'll throw it all out and see what they say. All right? Yeah, they'll come. We'll see.

All right. But I'm not going to splash out this year. There's no point. We'll keep it all out and see what they say alright yeah they'll come we'll see alright but I'm not going to splash out this year there's no point we'll keep it small alright fine it's a cheap show

that's what it's called Paul I just wanted it to be special and last year it was far from special it'll be special this year alright everyone's here for you to have a nice Christmas party

do you think I'll get a Christmas present from you this year or do you think it'll be year 7 without another present from you again I don't think it's been that long you've never gotten me a Christmas present from you this year? Or do you think it'll be year seven without another present from you again? I don't think it's been that long. You've never gotten me a Christmas present. That's not true. You've never liked the presents I've got you.

Yeah, because you once got me a packet of crisps for Christmas. Are those crisps still here? No. No, because you consumed them. Because they were horrible. No, they weren't. And some wafers. That was it.

You got me some horrible wafers and some crisps. That was it. Oh, we quite like that. And I've gotten you Rubik's Cube toys, pinball machines, Tomy toys. I've got you loads. And every Christmas you've let me down. And I have eight years of podcast material that proves me right. Let's not have a Christmas office party again.

Let's not. Are we going to be like this? No, we're going to do it. You're only saying that now because you'd have to get me a fucking present again. That is why I'm saying that. Cunts. Well, happy fucking Christmas. We know it's not Christmas yet.

Soon enough. It's soon enough. Thanks for listening, everyone. Well, I'm a bit dejected, but let's see how we go with the dangling carrot of our Christmas office party special coming in two weeks' time.

Maybe if you dangled it real hard, it would chuff right up. I'd dangle it. Again, I don't know why you think that's funny i've just had this image of an arsehole like a bum right in the air and a carrot on a string a trough that's kind of funny right we'll see you next week on cheap show bye till then bye everyone bye Bye.