CheapShow - Ep 365: Big Can Energy

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Welcome to CheapShow 2024! A new year of adventures, laughs and meltdowns awaits you. Sadly, your hosts are ABSOLUTELY not in the mood to get back into the swing of things. Eli is deathly ill and (frankly) should have cancelled and Paul is left to desperately pick up the slack. Badly. What should’ve been a powerhouse first episode of the year is more like a desperate fever dream instead. Maybe if Paul sings more, things will go alright? They’ve got a mountain of sugary sweet treats to throw themselves into this week and it may not have been the wisest idea at the end of the day. What are IRN BRU branded energy drinks like, and was it a good idea for Barratt to lend their famous candy flavours to “spreadable mallow”? You’ll find out the hard way, just like Paul and Eli did. Also, Eli has a thing about dogs this week. We’ll have to blame his illness… This week! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-365-big-can-energy And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

it's a new day it's a new dawn a new year 2024 and in this year of our lord and our domini the cheap show boys are back into action as another year ahead of them of larks japes and low low price jaunts here is your delightful hosts for this year's incredible work, the Cheap Show podcast. Please welcome Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman. Hello, everybody. Happy New Year. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon, and this is the voice I'll be having throughout the year 2024. And Eli is guzzling down Red Bull because he's a Red Bull fiend, and one day it will cause a massive stroke and I'll be partnerless. Terrible news.

I hope everyone had a good New Year period and Christmas and all that. Here we go, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, the introductory whinge, complain, beefy boy, minge, moan, fucking prick. What are you talking about? Quack Dr. Bonkman. No, we're starting this cold open again. I'm a doctor.

What's wrong, sir? You are. Tell you what, let's start this again. Yes, could you bring in the next appointment, please? Yes, bring in my 315. Thank you. Hello, doctor. Hello, mister.

Is it Silverman? Mr. Silverman? You've got it written there, right in front of you. Well, I'm just wondering if the person who's walked in... Why are you asking me then? What? I've walked through the front door. Why is this doctor's office in the living room of this house?

It's a converted house. Okay, good. Now, I've walked through the front door. Why is this doctor's office in the living room of this house? It's a converted house. Okay, good. Now, I know where I am with this. Now, doctor, I've got this boil on my fucking penis, and every time I come, I don't know if it's pus or spunk. Oof, fucking hell. Coming out. Coming out.

I'll fetch. So you've said you've got a bit of a horse throat, Mr Silverman. He's got a bit of a horse throat. He's not well. I thought we were going to do a nice introductory kind of sketch where I can play a doctor, and then Eli can set up that he's not feeling well. I'm not feeling very well.

What he decided to do instead was make an allusion to his small penis being like a boil. No, no. I had a complaint, imaginary complaint. And it was. No. This is not how we're starting the new year. With you more interested in your pussy cock than a fucking...

I'm not going to be very good today, everyone. I'm sick. I'm sick, man. Now, if you're playing at home, this is the 400th occasion you've complained about being sick. They can hear the evidence, Paul, is I'm sorry, everyone. My voice is not at... I've offered to cancel.

We could have cancelled this week if you weren't up for it. All I'm saying is I'm happy to do the episode. Oh, dear. Oh, this is terrible to listen to, isn't it? A squeaky-throated little hobgoblin in the corner talking about his puss knob. Shut up. I've got nothing.

Oh, well, anyway. You've got nothing as well. Hey, but at least I'm trying to affect something. Everybody, I've been very sick over the New Year. I had to work a lot. So did Paul. But I actually have a bug. And it's hard to shake.

I've been... I got it on Boxing Day. That's when it came on. Yeah. Oh, dear. Anyway. We were going to meet up on Boxing Day, weren't we? Mate, this is meant to be our dynamic opening to 2024.

It's not dynamic. I don't feel dynamic. It's really fucking not dynamic, Mr. Silverman. It's the opposite of dynamic, whatever that word is. Do you know what was particularly undynamic for me, Paul? What?

Was the way we were watching an old transport video in my room just before this and used the last thing you saw as inspiration for what you do. At least I did something. No one benefited from your thing. No one benefited from...

Oh, here we go. Here we go. Who's shit me now? Oh, welcome to the fucking cheap show. What a load of shit. Press the fucking credits. Off, run, run, don't. Off, run, Off-Round-Round-Off. Paul Gannon.

Eli Silverman. Welcome to the Chief Show. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney. Chodney Borough. I hate you. I've got to be with a posse.

It's the price of Shine Cheap Show Welcome to Cheap Show What is Cheap Show, Paul? Well, Cheap Show is a podcast and you're probably familiar with podcasts since one's in your ears right now and the podcast is about me and Eli my good friend Eli

going through the bargain bins, the charity shops and sometimes the pound lands of the United Kingdom and sometimes beyond for treasure to find amongst that big pile of trash. And this is the podcast that tells you, hey, it may be cheap, but let's make it cheerful. Yeah. Oh, mate, please don't. I need something from you this week.

I've got nothing, man. I'm really struggling. Well, see, you know what I've got for you? What have you got for me? A tale of contrition. Ah. Ah, I've perked up. Because, you know, usually you

come on here and you tell a story and then I go on about it for weeks and weeks after. You know, like you shitting on stage and stuff like that. Well, I mean, we've already covered that. Yeah, you covered it. Anyway, I've got a tale that I want to tell you, Mr. Silverman. Didn't really happen, everybody. It was

just a part of a... It was an anti-comedy performance piece. An elaborate character I've been working on, Paul. Yeah. Eli Silverman, I call this character. And, you know, compared to the actor, the performer, he's got a much more loose bowels. He's got loose bowels. That's what it is.

And a windsock of plop. And I thought that would be funny because there's this perception of that character as being a little bit shitting himself. Right, yeah, you thought that would be a nice little character. So I pretended to shit myself. Right, anyway, so let me tell you a little story, Eli. I want to hear some contrition.

I'm not hearing any fucking contrition. So, look. Let's put some contrition up front at the top of this story, Paul. The story. To salve my ointment. I'll give you a contrition poultice mr oh slap it on right so you know after christmas i was also quite ill in different ways you had you know the the flu-y thing and the thing it's i think it's definitely flu yeah and i had

muscle aches and a very very bad tummy over christmas oh maybe you had one of those um winter vomiting virus no no vomiting sometimes you get it goes the other way vomiting yes ass vomiting yeah it goes shit shit yeah no i get it maybe so you know the next day when i had to go into work to set up the thing i had a very very runny tummy mate it was really was really bad. In fact, Boxing Day morning, it was like my bum was a faecal fire hose putting out the fire at the bottom of my pan. You know what I mean? I was like, it was gushing out. So anyway, I go into work the next day and I've got this really long

meeting on the phone, well, Zoom kind of call with different BBC stations. Of course, we're going to go network and we're going to go national and I was in charge of the main hub of the programming, so blah, blah, blah. This is the day after Boxing Day. Yeah. Boxing day after Boxing Day. Yeah. Boxing Day, Boxing Day. Yeah, the boxing, post-boxing day.

Yeah. And so I went into work and I had this meeting. It was about an hour. And halfway through, I get a grumble in me tummy. And I'm thinking, oh, mate, can we wrap this up in my head? But just to be clear here, Paul, you're not actually physically present with anyone else. You're on a Zoom call. I'm in an office still with people all around me.

But the people I'm speaking to are in different parts of the uk okay right so i'm on there talking uh we're making final plans and technical issues and all these kind of things and then my stomach starts to turn real bad you know bad where it's like you can feel the solid turn to liquid inside yes but wait so you're getting a grumble in all up in the tumble but were you getting the little insistent pressure, downward pressure on the ring? Do you know what I mean? That's when I know. But I feel that I'm getting the ring alarm.

Someone is ringing the bell of my arse ring. Do you know what I mean? We all get what you mean, but it's my story. It's my story. My story. Horde of goblins. I want this conversation to wrap up because I know I need to go to the toilet real quick

there's a little bit of pressure building up and I thought alright I'll let a little fart out hopefully and take some of the pressure off and so I'm on the phone and I'm talking to someone and I think I was talking about like setting up an ISDN to Manchester or something and as I leant forward just to kind of let out a little

fart to take some of the gas off i literally remember saying and then we'll go to manchester because a little bit of liquid fecal came out mate no what happened was a weird like quack stroke bark from my bottom followed by a great big lump of solid oh my god you shat yourself not a load i would say a two pence worth a nugget yeah hard nugget and because i was sitting down i kind of squeaked it squeezed on the back of my thighs right and it was all sticking to me hairy legs and they're still talking about fucking you know yeah still talking about and you could not and my concentration before but now i really don't know i like i gave a shit but it's not the really don't give a shit. No, I gave a shit, mate.

That's the problem. So I'm now sitting there, sitting in a little can of, almost like a waterbed sensation in my pants, where there's a little bit of flex and grind to the solid. And I can feel it. And there's a little bit of stench. It smells like a broken pipe.

Okay. Bit of copper in there. You know what I mean? A little bit of rust. And so the conversation ends, and I literally have to duck waddle out of the office to the toilet, bit of copper in there you know what I mean a little bit of rust and so and so the conversation ends and I literally have to duck waddle out of the office

to the toilet and I will what's the damage here and long story short I put my undies in the bin and went over put your undies

right in the bin there was no saving them no there was no saving them you've just got to let go of those undies at that point so you know

I gave it a wipe I gave it a bit of spit and polish. I dumped them in the bin in the male gents and I left. Well, Paul. I just wanted to tell that story. So just to say, I am also human. You know, I also bleed. Just to be clear, the bit on stage a few months ago was...

Yeah, the one I just did then was character. Was it? Yeah. Very rich character. A Bovril kind of character. Paul. Anyway, cheap show, ladies and gentlemen. We're doing a podcast and you've just told me how you shut yourself.

Well, you know, New Year. I've got tails on the dance floor. Have you? Let's do one of those quick then. Can I just ask beforehand? Is it familiar? Is this one of those ones where X comes up to you, says Y? Was it the farting one?

No. Yeah, the guy who farted. Did I say that already? The discount suit company. Did I say that already? Yeah, you told us when we did the walkabout episode. Oh, God. Is that it?

I felt sickness coming on then. Yeah, well. I've had flu since then, Paul. Good. It's not good. What do you mean it's good? Anyway, coming up on Choo Choo. I didn't have to do this today, everybody.

This week, we're testing a few fizzy drinks. Oh, this is the worst. Oh, I'm beeping. You shouldn't be beeping. Turn your phone off. Today, we are... My voice has got much worse. It's because I'm trying to compete against you, don't I?

You don't have to. Give me space. Shut up, then. I'd like to do a bit soon. Shut up. Can I do a bit soon? After this, I'll explain what they're doing in the show. All right.

But I usually say... What? What have we got coming up on the show today? Go on. What have we got coming up on the show today? Go on. What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, today on the podcast, we will be tasting some interesting new energy drinks that someone spotted for us online, and I said, gimme, gimme, gimme. And they also, as a Brucey bonus, sent us something for our sweet tooth.

We'll be trying some very interesting Mallow Spreads later, which you could also argue was what was inside my pants. A Mallow Spread. We weren't Mallow. That's was what was inside my pants. A mallow spread. We weren't mallow. That's no mallow I've seen. Brown mallow. Yeah. I'll give you fucking...

I'll give you chips. ...flop mallow. Anyway, that's coming up on the show. We hope you enjoy this week's cheap show. It's easy run-ins as we go into the year. Is it easy run-ins? Easy run-ins into our first episode of 2024. What, like that film about the Olympic luge team from Jamaica?

No, that's cool run-ins. My pants make brown run-ins, I tell you that. Bob, Bob. Bob, Bob. I was reading an article about Basil Brush today. Yeah. Or a tweet or something. My pants could have done with a Basil Brush to get fucking right in the crevices.

You would have used basil brush to clean your pants off. Yeah. He wouldn't have liked that. Oh I'm

basil brush and I make those stains go away bum bum. That's not how he spoke. We vamped him. Now he speaks

like this. I'm basil brush bum bum. I actually like that. I'm basil brush bum bum. Do a little song or something

oh tip toe through the tulips oh through the tulips do an original sorry Mr Brush yeah Mr Brush bum bum

could you do an original song it says here on your on this covering letter that you do your own yeah I got this one do your own numbers let me do this now for you I'm Basil Brush

bum bum here we go bum bum bum let me hear you say way-o. That's not... No, sorry. Hit him out. Get the security down here. Oh, fuck. Not again. The sad story of Basil Brush. Like, can we get on with this fucking podcast now?

Talking to you, Paul. You know what it does to me? What? It makes my mucus come up like I'm spunking up my throat. God. Does that mean you jack your throat? You sit there and go... Like that, until you spit out your phlegm. It's weird.

We're a horrible podcast. Can we just get on? I've done two things today on this podcast. One was comparing pus to spunk with a boil on my knob. And now I've just... Textbook silver. And now I've compared the mucus in my throat to spunk with a boil on my knob. And now I've just... Textbook silver. And now I've compared the mucus in my throat to spunk. Yeah, junk.

So, you know... Is everyone enjoying my bits? He's got nothing. Right, so the stuff that we're going to be using today on the podcast have been sent in by someone called Sarah. We know them as Dog and Lamp Post on Twitter. So thank you, Sarah, in advance. Here is the letter.

Thank you, Sarah, for sending all the stuff in today. Did you, Swearer, for sending all the stuff in today. Did you say Swearer? I'll give you Swearer. Yeah, I need better from you, Silverman. Right. Hello, cheap show. I can't. I can't produce.

I can't talk. It's an actor's main tool is his voice, Paul. And I feel like I'm bashing it against a brick wall. You just do everything, okay? It's like doing an episode with Bonnie fucking Tyler. Sing totally a clip to the art, Silverman. Turn around, bright eye. I want this cunt on stars in your eyes right now.

Every now and then I fall apart. And I need you more tonight. And I need you now tonight. I don't sound like Bonnie Tyler. You don't, no. I sound dreadful. You're the one who carries on talking. I don't sound like Bonnie Tyler. You don't, no. I sound dreadful. You're the one who carries on talking. I shouldn't have done that singing.

Can you cut that out, please? No, that's staying all in. Why? Why? Because. Why do you have to hurt me, demean me? I don't demean you. Why, every week you mean to me.

I'm not mean to you. Every week. The problem is, is that you give yourself so much rope, I have to hang you with it. You don't have to. You could build me a rope bridge. Yeah, but if your throat is so fucked, why do you carry on talking?

Like, I'm listening. Here's the letter. Let's get into this. Swearer. It says, hello, cheap show. Me again. So Sarah's been in touch before and sent us stuff before. Like what?

I sent you the vegan off-brand brand off. And today I have a new set of treats for you. Remember the vegan Nutella thing we had? And didn't we think that the vegan one was better than the real one? Much better. Weird. It was weird to compare them. Because then you go, oh, wait.

The Nutella one's actually quite shit. It was Nutella. That's the wind. Everybody today. Oh, yeah. Tell them the wind. There's a lot of wind today, everybody. Thanks for letting me say that, Paul.

Yeah. But because it's Storm Henry or something today, isn't it? Is he called Henry? I don't know. Storm Henry would be if you put a huge Henry the Hoover and you put it on reverse. Then you get Storm Henry. No.

It's because everyone knows. I know, I read an article. Well done. You've done a lot of reading, Mr Silver. Do you know what they said? What has caused Storm Henry? Ah, Basil Rush, Bob Bob. You know what they said has caused Storm Henry?

What? All people in Scotland using their Henry Hoofers on reverse at the door. No, great. No, you're really on fire today. No, you're really good. No, you're really funny you today, aren't you? I'll tell you what, though. He went, no, I'll blow.

This is pathetic. This is actually genuinely pathetic. And stop leaning on the microphone muff when you laugh. Thanks for sending this in, Sarah. And for those that veganed. Can I continue the letter? Can I continue the letter? For a man who's having so much misery talking,

you don't half-fucking-talk a lot today. They were Nutella bars, weren't they? And crisp. You had those Monster Munchie things, remember? Oh, they were worse. The vegan ones were worse. Yes. Anyway, she has a new set of treats for us uh she saw three flavors of iron brew energy drinks

sitting on a shelf in farm foods for 119 a can and thought you might like to try them are they as good as lipovitan only you can tell us and we bloody will the next thing which will go into we must get out the way now and go straight into it later. But the letter goes on to say, on the next shelf in the same shop, I saw Barrett's Sweets flavoured Mallow Spread. Now, we've before covered the Barrett's range being pasted onto everything. Every single thing. Everything. Are these made by Barrett's, these? No.

Because sometimes they're not. I don't know. I mean, it has Barrett's logo on it, so maybe it does. But to me, it sounds like this has just been licensed out. Again, the flavours and the branding. Fruit salad and blackjacks were like cult sweets. I mean, they were available everywhere. The old penny tube.

They were available everywhere, but they sort of had a cult status, didn't they? Well, it's part of that kind of sweet shop hauntology thing. It's leaning on the retro nostalgia of those candies. In the same way in the 90s, everyone got fucking crazy about Spangles again and brought those back only for no one to buy them what are spangles basically like glass glaciers foxes glacier fruits remember those oh like a like a hard boiled fruit candy yeah you can't even get those anymore uh you can they're called spangles they were they were huge i've never heard of. I'm getting Mandela affected to shit. Anyway.

Spangles. I think it was Spangles. No, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're doing a ball. I'm not. There's never been a hard-boiled fruit sweet called Spangles. It sounds like a fucking spunk.

Spangles sweets. Spangles were a brand of boiled sweets manufactured by Mars Limited in the United Kingdom from 1950 to the early 80s. Wow. So, you know, there we go, Spangles. And they had the same logo font as the goodies, if that helps. Yeah. So, once again, Mr. Silverman, you fucking

called me a liar and told me what I know is wrong, only for me to instantly correct you on that. Well, I accept it. I'm getting actually quite tired. I accept it. You're a backseat critic and you don't get anything, you don't get your hands dirty with the cut and thrust of making this podcast. I'm sorry to bring this up again. Are you going to be mean

to me when I'm sick? Yeah. Don't, please. You just said you wouldn't be mean. Why can you be mean to me then and call me a liar and say there's no such fucking things as spangles? I did recognise it when I saw the picture. Yeah, well, good. Maybe you should fucking put some trust in me. The man you've known for close to like 16 years now. I was just trying to get a wank joke in on the Spangles.

There'll be plenty of opportunities for wank jokes. We've got fucking frothy white mallows coming. Hey! Coming out the end of my knob. Let me finish this letter. So, on the next shelf, saw some Barrett's flavoured mallow spread. For some reason,

when I see Barrett's sweet flavoured things, I always think of Cheap Show. So I grabbed three flavours and included them for your tasting approval. They were one pound a tub. Thank you so much, Sarah. There's a slight PS.

Thanks, Sarah. Shout out to my husband that drove me half an hour to another farm foods when the first one was sold out of all the drinks. He doesn't listen to Cheap Show or really understand it, but he always comes to the shows with me, including driving the six-hour round trip for Cheapitizer and indulges in my nonsense oh is

that the leeds uh gig we did no that was the cheerful earful podcast oh yeah that one uh little hint everybody we might be doing that in the end of the year so uh it's going to be our one show of 2024 live it's going to be me and eli raw cheap show dates coming dates coming early access to patreon sweet right um right so shall we crack on with these fucking drinks? Yeah. Great. I really am feeling quite unwell. Right.

Well, let's just put a sound effect in now then. No, I've got ice and stuff. All right. There's a bangy, bangy wind there. It's windy, bang, bang, shuffle, shuffle stuff today, isn't it? I'm really sorry, guys. No, I'm more sorry. No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I agreed to put this episode on. I should have looked at you in your decrepit, ruined state. Well, you did tell me last week we were going to do it tomorrow, didn't you? So it wouldn't be any better tomorrow, would you really? There's no guarantee of that. My voice is getting... It's the tail end of these severe bugs. I'm just going to read out Eli's WhatsApp message to me about all of this.

You know, this morning. How are you feeling about recording today? I'm up for it, out Eli's WhatsApp message to me about all of this. You know, this morning. How are you feeling about recording today? I'm up for it, mate, if you are. My voice sounded better then. The ongoing lies of Eli Silverman. Do you want to press the button? I'm going to press the fucking button. Before I start revealing too many home truths about Eli J. Silverman.

Some of the things that maybe you don't want people to know. Some of the things that I know that I have in my back pocket. Jesus. Is this? I'm just saying, Eli I have in my back pocket. Jesus. Is this... I'm just saying, Eli. What's this all about? 2024. You better fucking watch it.

What do I have to do to prevent you from revealing... I want your fealty. Just say what you've got. I want your fealty to me. You have my fealty. My fealty. Okay, we had three flavours

of Iron Brew Energy and these are in the large can size. Yes. Okay, we had three flavours of Iron Brew Energy, and these are in the large can size. Yes, in the largest Red Bull on the market. Yeah, monster or relentless. More monster, isn't it? Again, it's weird how these look like alcoholic booze tins. I remember once being told I couldn't come on the bus because the tin I had in my hand looked too much like,

you know, some tins or whatever. I bet that was a relentless. Relentless are the ones that have really lager-y sort of design. Aesthetically, I think that's on purpose as well. I was walking down the street in Camden once. My dad came. I walked past my dad. And he came. No. What did you say? He said your dad came.

Was he that excited? He came along. Came along what? The road. Oh, that's a lodged jet, isn't it? My dad did not spunk during this. No. You don't know. You're going to let me finish saying this i am i was drinking right now i was drinking a can of relentless yeah and my dad walked past me and he berated me for drinking booze on the street open lager i said no no and you had to explain to him yeah he used to drink those relentless nasty yeah no they're horrible they're really horrible all that stuff

now um but everyone it must be a huge market the energy drink market and so you have iron brew tramping on it now but also lucasade have you seen they've got yeah juiced energy or whatever yeah so is that lucasade not lucasade that lemonade that's really caffeinated and can kill you but that is a restaurant thing that's in olive garden isn't it is that what is a special olive garden death drink that's in the states yeah this is on the official bars website bars who make iron brew in the uk so it's called strictly speaking power brew but pwr brew oh i see yeah yeah you don't notice that when you look at it do you because the fonts is recognized with iron brew yes and there's a girder that girder is that where they have that on normal iron brew yeah they, they do. The girder symbol.

Made for girders. That whole thing. A bold new energy brand from the house of Iron Brew is set to create a storm in the big con energy scene. Big con... Oh, big can energy.

Big can energy scene, yeah. Have you got big can energy, mate? I've got big can energy. They certainly have big can energy. I'll give you big can energy. That means nothing. But I prefer the smaller sizes of energy drinks. I do too.

You just need a swift bosh and you're done. Why do you want to have to fucking make a whole thing out of it? It was launched on the 28th of August, 2023. And it's a new energy drink with Iron Brew DNA running through it. Giving people a power bruised when they need it most. They really fucking wrote that? Literally, B-R-U-S-T. Power Brewst.

I'll give you... Oh, come on, darling. I'll give you a Power Brewst. No, I've Brewst. Again, nothing. It's really desperate. Again, arriving... Oh, Brewst.

There are four flavours. There's original, which we don't have here. I've Brewst onto the scene. But we have Diablo Cherry, Maverick Berry, and Dropkick Tropical flavours. That's right. And we have all three here. They have caffeine,

taurine, B vitamins. Sugar? Yes, darling? Are they sugar free? It doesn't say here. No. You see?

I think that's too much. I don't like big cans. No, I don't like them either. Have a look. It should say sugar free on it somewhere, right? For the flavour, that might be good.

Yes, hopefully. But not for your health or not getting diabetes or whatever. We're not necking all of these. We're not going to neck all of these. I've already had a Red Bull, everybody. I would like to start with the tropical, but can I just mention? Yeah. We tasted a bunch of their variation ones recently, didn't we?

Iron Brew. Iron Brew. Yeah, we did. Was it cream soda? Yeah, vanilla or something. They were terrible. They were sugar-free, though. Yes.

Do you remember them being very bad? And I think I said at the time, if they were sugared drinks, they might have been a lot more pleasant. But... Well, let's find out. Let's find out. Let's start with Tropical.

Yeah, we're going to start with the Tropical. The yellow tin. I'm going to set you up with a big ice cube here. Oh, we've got an ice cube and glass for these. Do you like a big ice cube? I would like one, please. We want to chill it. Yes.

That's a big one. That's a great big one. That's a big one, please. We want to chill it. Yes. That's a big one. That's a great big one. Yeah, it's a big one for you. I tell you what, give it a note. Just pour it and send it. I'll pour it and send it, okay? I'm going to have

a fresh Nuff Note on this. Eli is now opening the can for the Nuff Nuff Notes. And if Nuff Nuff is on top form still, Paul? Well, as long as it's still performing to its toppest end.

I detected a steak that had gone off yesterday. Good. In your room, I'm surprised you can taste or smell anything other than the bitter grime of grot. The bitter grime of grot. It's like an old folk tale.

Okay, so this is... Make Tropical. Get on with it. No, it's called Special. It's got a special name. I said it out already. Dropkick. Yes, I said that.

What? All right, but again, shows that you don't listen to me. Carry on. Because you just go gag, gag, gag, gag. No, it's called information this podcast needs and not just tenuous wank material. I've got a tenderness. No, mate.

Tenuous. I've got a tenderness. Ooh. Tenderness and wank. Open the fucking thing. I want to go home. I'm not well. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh, it's bubbling. What's the nuff? Very much that artificial tropical fruit drink. Okay. Can I have a sniff? Because I've got a feeling... It smells like...

It reminds me of one of... Like umbo... Ungobongo. Umbongo. Umbongo. Doesn't that smell like umbongo? Yeah, it does. Do you know what it's got a little bit of?

It's got like a lilt thing. Yes. Yeah. Lilt was totally tropical, wasn't it? It's a totally tropical taste. This might be like an energy drink version of lilt. Energy lilt. Isn't a bad thing. Lilt was totally tropical, wasn't it? It's a totally tropical taste. This must be like an energy drink version of Lilt. Energy Lilt. Isn't a bad thing.

Lilt to spill. Here, I've given you some of that. Right. And I'm going to have some. I'm going in. Shall I wait for you? No, go on. I'm going in.

That's way too sweet. Too sweet? And not very tropical-y. That's coming from you, too sweet. It must be super sweet. It really is, because you like it sweet. Some things I like sweeter than others. That tropical stuff just isn't in the flavour.

It's just very sweet with... With a slight pineapple. Yeah, but mellow pineapple, isn't it? Maybe a bit of mango in there. There's not any tartness. There's no tartness. I want more tartness. Yeah.

It's sort of a flat flavour. It almost degenerates into a sort of vegetable... Cordial. Vegetable scraps bin, sort of. Oh, that's... It's sort of a flat flavour. It almost degenerates into a sort of vegetable... Cordial. Vegetable scraps bin, sort of. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

That kind of... Like fermented veg, kind of. Yeah, it has got a bit of that. You know? Well then, not good. Out of...

Not very good. I'm going to give it a C mine. A C. A straight C. It's not unpleasant, but it's too sweet and not very tropical.

I didn't find it very pleasant. Drop kick tropical. More like plop shit tropical. tropical boom boom but doesn't have that aspartame no emptiness but you know what weirdly on my tongue there felt like there was a place for it my tongue was like why isn't there aspartame because it should be here yeah it feels like there's yes because i still feel like i've got a bit of that there, but. They probably do use some artificial sweetener in it. They must have to, yeah. As well as sugar.

Right, next. We're on to the pink. This is cherry flavoured. Diablo cherry. Now, when you say Diablo, what are you really saying? You're saying like. One of those spinny toys that those jugglers use. I thought Diablo was like the devil.

Hell. It's one of those things, you know. No, I don't know what you mean. It's like a thing and it's got two cups stuck back to back. Like a yo-yo. Yeah, and they've got a string and you... Yeah, no, I know what you mean now. That's Diablo.

Is it? Yeah, he goes in the air, bouncy, bouncy. Behind the back. Do you want to buy my relaxation tape? Get fucked. Right. Open it. Diablo Cherry.

Diablo Cherry. Pass your glass over. Now, Diablo Cherry was also a very popular act in the 1990s. What's the snuff? It's not as good as a Dr Pepper cherry smell. I'm going to snuff it myself. Oh, yeah. Kind of weak.

It's got almost like a sherbet-y note to it. It's a weak and underwhelming cherry. It isn't that sort of deep cherry that you get from Dr Pepper, you know? Yeah. And it's pink, this one. We haven't said about the colour. Well, the first one was a yellow. Yeah.

A yellow, as you'd imagine. Almost the same as the can it's in. I think the selling point here is the fact it's got taurine and caffeine. Did the other one not have taurine? No, the other one says taurine on it. No, I mean the selling point for this whole range. Oh, yeah.

Not the flavours. No. I mean, it's cherry. It's cherry-ade, isn't it? I mean, it's just bullshit. Oh. It's a weird smoky kind of dusty. That's reading even sweeter for me, this one.

It's about the same sweetness to me, but also at the same time, it's got that weird fake doesn't exist in the real world cherry, dark cherry flavour. Is that what you're saying? I can only say smoky, but you know what I mean? It's got that weird dusty, smoky, sherbet-y, powdered cherry flavour thing. Yeah, I prefer it to the tropical. I think I prefer it.

It's cleaner, but it's not saying much, no. In both cases, I couldn't finish a can of that at all, I don't think. I mean, if I was really tired, I guess I could. But it doesn't have that medicine taste of other energy drinks, does it? Which is kind of disturbing. But it has got that weird fake vitamin-y infused flavor. It does. So you're saying it does have that medicine-y taste for you.

A little bit. Mostly on that last one then. Not as much as the Tropical. Yeah, it is more present there, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think I could tell. You know, it's something we might do in the future where you can tell whether something is an energy drink or not.

Oh, that'd be interesting. Because you could compare it to diet drinks because they have the same kind of playing field of flavours, don't they? Original. Oh, that is the original. Now, this is the real deal. So which one didn't we get, then? Because I remember there was four.

We didn't get one of them. Oh, wait, no. I'm misconstruing it. This is the whole range. So there's original, cherry. Oh, no. There's maverick berry. Maverick berry.

I mean, we can both imagine what the fucking maverick berry was going to be like. Blue Razz. Utter blue Razz. I mean, I don't know. I could look through an image of it. I didn't actually even look at that. Oh, it's a purple. Blue Raz, everybody.

Judging by what we've had so far, yes, the profile of that probably tastes like a juicy fruit kind of thing. I don't know. Now, this is the original, which we're going to taste now. This is going to taste like new iron brew since they did that. They changed the formula. When did they do that? About five years ago now. A couple of years ago.

But also, if this is not sugar-free, shouldn't it therefore taste better than the current iron brew? Maybe it tastes more like a real iron brew. But do you remember, I did a blind taste test, didn't I? Yeah. Of new and old iron brew. And I preferred the new stuff, didn't I? Yeah.

Yeah, weird. Sorry, everybody. No, it's good. It's just what my mouth. It's what your mouth says. When it covered yeah weird sorry everybody but no it's good it's just what my mouth when it covers the eyes of my mouth I just have to go by what my mouth says if you cover the eyes

of your mouth meaning my eyes yeah what do you think about it it's all one big system alright so come on but if you think about it

what are the eyes of the mouth they're the eyes yeah what's the arse of this mouth what's the arse of my mouth what's the fucking boil on my pee pee boil on my pee pee good stuff right i'm gonna get a niff and having enough on this go on oh that's iron brew well at least it looks like he's in familiar ground now

oh yeah oh that's nice very nice that kind of orangey iron brew taste smells really good minute bubble gum and orange yeah it does smell exactly like iron brew. And it looks like iron brew as well. This is like proper power brew. This is like the whole concept. You don't need those others. Right, let's find out. I'm going to go give it in.

That's strange. It's almost like a diluted flavour of iron brew. So it's there, but yet it's thinner. It's only slightly. It's less syrupy. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, but it's a bit watery and it's got this weird kind of sweet tang at the back.

It kind of leaves almost like a metallic flavour on your tongue at the end. To me, that's easily the most enjoyable of the three, though. Yeah, it's certainly... I could drink that because it isn't so sweet. It isn't so over-flavoured. Yeah, I could chow down right on that. So I'm going to give both of those first two C straight Cs.

They're fine. They're not unpleasant. The Iron Brew, probably a bit more palatable. If you like Iron Brew and you happen to be obsessed with energy drinks, this is probably a good middle ground. So, I don't know. I think that as an energy version of Iron Brew, I think that's perfectly acceptable.

It tastes like Iron Brew. I reckon if I was blind, the eyes of my mouth. You said this a lot recently. You go, if I was blind and it was a different year and I was eight miles away. I reckon if I was blind, if the eyes of my mouth... You said this a lot recently. You go, if I was blind and it was a different year and I was eight miles away, I reckon I could... Yeah, it's like I don't care.

By the way, I'll give two out of five for the first two. Or 1.75 for the first two. Yeah. And then we'll go for a 3.5 for that last one. That's valid. Yeah, that's valid.

Now, just a little respectable score. Paul, before we move on, mate, I've got a special bonus. Oh, no, I know you've got a special bonus, but I want to put a sound effect in so it helps me edit and break this up a lot quicker. Can I put a sound effect in? No, you know.

Well, I'm going to. Well, it's part of this segment. Well, I'm going to break it up anyway. Why? But then we're doing that at the top of that and it doesn't come to a natural end. Guess what's just going to happen right now? Sound effect.

So fucking eat my load. Eat your load. Eat it. Eat my chunky Yorkie droppings. Eat your bum load. Yeah, eat my bum load. I didn't know that's the load you meant. You have to specify which load it is. Well, it's the back load,

isn't it? Not the front load. Top loader. Top loader. It's dancing in the moonlight. I don't know what that means. And Eli's brought a Brucey bonus drink for us today and that Brucey bonus drink is called... Finest Herbal Extracts Cocteau Original. Cocteau. And where did you get it from? I got it from a grocer,

like a world food shop type grocer, in Walthamstow. Nice. Have a look at it. It's caffeine free, it says on the back, so that's good because we've had a bunch of caffeine, haven't we already? Yeah. I think it's like Polish.

Water, sugar, carbon dioxide. It looks like Coke, doesn't it? Herbal extracts. That's what they say Coke has. Carbonated soft drink with herbal extracts. Yeah, but where is it from Paul? Well I don't know Well look for a manufacturing country please

It's really hard in this light And it's like blue writing on a brown sticker I'm going to have to get my torch out Alright here we go It doesn't say It does hand it to here Got it I've looked up on Wikipedia

Because we're a podcast And that's all we do It's not plagiarism If we say we're reading it from Wikipedia. All right, H-Bomber guy. Just in case he's listening. He's not listening. And he's going, oh, they're nicking stuff again.

I'm going to do a three-hour documentary about Cheap Show and all the stuff they've nicked. They wouldn't do that. Yugoslavia, now Slovenia, is the country of origin. It was introduced in 1953. Its flavour, apparently, according to Wikipedia, is rosehip, lemon and orange. So that is very much in the cola wheelhouse, isn't it?

Orange, because I almost, I never tire of saying, Paul, orange is a big, major flavour in Coca-Cola. Yeah, lots of people boringly point that out. It's the main, it's a soft drink from Slovenia, yeah, okay. Its main ingredient comes from dog rose hip. The other ingredient is... Dog. I thought you were going to stop speaking.

It comes from dog. A cocteau. Yes. Oh, God. This village is where the cocteau factory is. Made with 100% fucking dog milk. Imagine the sounds coming out of that fucking warehouse and the hard-working people on the line jerking dogs off.

Oh, this is kind of sad to imagine, just a battery form of dogs being wanked off into a drink. Its original variant contains neither caffeine nor orthophosphoric acid. Yeah, because that's what Coke... Orthophosphoric acid. Yeah, because that's what Coke... Or phosphorus acid. Again, that's what Coke famously uses in order to make the drink less sickly.

Oh. It's that, you know, that really tart, that super tartness that Coke has as well. Oh, look, that's what a dog rose thing looks like. It's a nice little pink flower, the yellow... That's no pink flower. It is. It's a pink flower.

That's an exploded dog's cock after being milked. It's not an exploded pink flower, the yellow. That's no pink flower. It is. It's a pink flower. That's an exploded dog's cock after being milked. It's not an exploded dog's milked cock. It is. It is, everybody. Anyway, the origins, say, came from the early 1950s. Ivan Dew, the director of the state-owned corporation of something or other, came up with the idea of producing an original refreshing beverage that would be able to compete against soft drinks from abroad.

Yeah. Especially Coca-Cola. Yeah. Derived from a blend of 11 different herbs and spices, including the rose hip. So yeah, there we go. How interesting. I've never seen it before, but it's like Slovakian, Slovenian... Cola. Yeah. Homegrown competition. What was that Indian one we tasted? Oh, fuck, I can't remember that now.

That was similar. And Inca Cola as well. Yeah. All these different versions. And we tasted that Oh, fuck, I can't remember that now. That was similar and Inca Cola as well. Yeah, both. All these different versions and we tasted that Sport Cola from Sweden which was great. I think that was my favourite. Interestingly enough, the drink was introduced

to the market for the first time on March 8th, 1953 at a ski jumping competition in Plancia. Planica? I have to work on reading this year. Okay, good.

I'm up for it now. It's got a... You can see all the photos of all of this stuff on our website, everybody. Cocta. Do you think that's sort of like cocktail? No. What do you think it is?

Dog? That refers to the dog cock, does it? Well, it says ownership, but it doesn't really say. It just says that's the name they came up with. Yeah, I think they thought of cocktails. They must have. The first bottle of label...

And it's like Coke as well, isn't it? Cock. Yeah. Cock. Cock. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, yeah. But there's no coca beans in it. No. I'm very interested to give this a little taste, Paul. Now, make sure you wash your ice off.

My what? Wash my arse off. Wash your ice off. I have done. I've done it plentifully. I'm going to go for the fresh sniff-naff on this. All right. Oh, stop beeping.

The rattling windows are really upsetting me, by the way. Oh, what you got going on? Oh. What are you getting? Yeah, I'm getting a much more sort of herbal. It is cokie, but it's got a more herbal, more floral. Oh, you know what it is? It's almost elderflower. No more floral. Oh, you know what it is? It's almost...

Elderflower? No, it's almost like chocolate. Seriously, you don't smell it? I may have found Paul's new favourite. It's got a kind of chocolatey... Anyway. I know what you're saying, yeah, but there's also a sort of elderflower,

kind of grassy... There are herbs in it, I agree. But there is something kind of sweet and like molasses-y. I don't know, it's like caramel or chocolate. It's something like that. Yeah. Not unpleasant.

No, not unpleasant. It's very almost cream sodary. Yeah. Right. Let's see what the taste is like. You go. Oh, in the glass, it's more interesting. The smell's spread out and it's got more of a cola flavour.

Oh, yeah, but it's just off. It's not right at the top. There's that weird... You know what I mean? Well, let's just go in interesting isn't it drinky poos time i mean that's all right but it does taste like a cola knockoff but but it's kind of watery yeah it's um it feels it feels more like i tell you what it feels like okay it feels like you've bought coca-cola cordial and you've poured it and then added your own

it's not unpleasant i will say this it own it's watery isn't it it's not unpleasant i will say this it's not unpleasant for me nothing is it's not sweet enough it's not fizzy enough there's not enough flavor it's all very um turned down all the flavors you know it's muted it's muted it is refreshing and it isn't horrible and if you don't want something that's overly too coke this is fine i guess i just don't think something that's overly too coke, this is fine, I guess. I just don't think there's much to it. It's very sugar watery.

None of those flavours on the nose really manifest on the tongue, do they? No, it's definitely stronger on the nose than it is in the mouth. I was a bit disappointed

by the sip there. A little bit, but at the same time... And to think there's no caffeine in it either. No, but that's alright as well. I don't mind that. If I was like,

after a refreshing drink that was kind of like cola, but I didn't want the caffeine, then great. Okay. Well, that was good, wasn't it, Eli? That was good.

Your Brucey bonus. Yes, I'm always looking for interesting things and there's another one called Selecto del Seposipito or something. Yeah, and we're going to try that at a later date.

Is it called that? What's it called? It's Selector. Bo Selector. Yeah, and we're going to try that at a later date. Is it called that? What's it called? It's Selecta. Bo Selecta. I don't know. It's not called Bo Selecta. Proper magic or whatever it is. Boom, boom.

I think we should apologise to the nation of Slovenia. For what? Suggesting they put dog spunk in their national drink. A, you said that. And B, you apologised. You did the whole intro. Yeah. I only did the dog wines.

What do you mean dog wines? What is dog wine? Is that when you get a dog piss and you serve that? Fucking dog beer. You've had intro. Yeah. I only did the dog wines. What do you mean dog wines? What is dog wine? Is that when you get a dog piss and you serve that? Fucking dog beer. You've had that. Hello, I come from a long line of dog fucking produce. Don't listen to him. He's a fake dog wanker.

I make dog wine and dog milk. No, I'm the only one who makes it and I fucking wank all the dogs off myself. And I'm going to make dog fudge next fucking week as well. Don't listen to him. He's an imposter. He's been hounding my life since 1922.

No dog goes to waste at my factory. I fuck dogs. I fuck dogs. Well, we don't do that in our factory. I fuck dogs. I fuck dogs.

Security, this man's run out of funny original ideas. Can we just fucking get rid of him, please? I don't fuck dogs. I don't fuck dogs. Well, this has become

quite the deconstruction of Eli's career today, hasn't it? I don't fuck dogs. I don't fuck dogs. Well, this has become quite the deconstruction of Eli's career today, hasn't it? I don't fuck dogs. Yeah? I hope my voice... When you were sitting there going, I need to punch this up

with something funny, you just thought you'd shout out in a raspy voice, I fuck dogs. Sorry, everyone. I've been very unwell. I was trying to make a whole scene of like,

you know, dog chops and dog cheese. All right, I'll do the scene again. No, you've ruined it. No, no. You ruined the dog at the beginning. No, you ruined, dog chops and dog cheese. All right, I'll do the scene again. No, you've ruined it. You ruined the doctor one at the beginning. No, you ruined the doctor one at the beginning

with your spunk and now you've... No. He's got up the room. I'm just going to press stop. Hello. Yeah. I'm the dog reporter.

The dog reporter, yeah. Yes, and I've come to ask you some questions. Right. Do you have dogs? Yeah. How many? Two, a boy and a girl. And what are their names?

Carol and Andrew. Why did it take so long to answer? Because I used to have two dogs before that who died, and they were called Bonnie and Whizzer. But what are the present ones? Andrew and Carol. Oh, well remembered. Fuck you. No, but I'm here from the Hill Times.

Yeah. Oh no, the respected Hill Times, yeah. It's a local paper. So what do you want to know? We're very concerned in this community. Yeah, about what? Dog cheese. About my dog factory. Where you make dog cheese. Great British dog dog factory. Where you make dog cheese. Great British dog produce. Now, you make dog cheese.

Now, in a Brexit time, we should be proud of our produce. And I've raised great British dogs to make all kinds of cheeses and wines and milks. And I think... Well, you've only got two dogs. It's all done. It's all done through those two dogs. Yes. Look how tired they are. Well, that. And it's all done. It's all done through those two dogs. Yes. Look how tired they are.

Well, that's exactly it. I know. That dog is flat from all the milking you've done to it. But we are moderated by the Animal Produce Authoritarian Cruelty Board and they signed off on it

saying it's good. Well, thank you for answering my questions. Now, before you go. Yeah? Do you want to watch me fuck this dog? I haven't been recording any of this.

When you went out the room, I pressed stop. So all that was wasted. How do you feel? Do you feel embarrassed? Do you feel embarrassed that you came with a weak idea and I do all the heavy lifting?

No. You sorry? I'm not sorry. You should be. I'm sorry that I... You've ruined this week's episode. I should have realised I was not well enough to... So you started our year off badly.

To do the poker. I know. I'm sorry, everyone. We could have had a really strong first showing this year. Come out the gate on all cylinders. And look what you've done. No, we didn't. But we needed to do a show because...

No, not when your health is at stake, mate. And not when it is obviously affecting your sense of humour. Which, you know, has been a bit reductive and a little bit immature today, hasn't it, really? Paul. You started off with a spunk gag, you carried on with a spunk gag, and you ended up with a dog. Balls deep in a dog, Mr Silverman.

That's my happy place. And luckily I recorded this so I can get your apology. I knew you'd recorded it, mate. I win. Ha ha ha. Bum bum. I'm Basil the Brush. Stop saying. I'm Basil the Brush. Bum bum. Bum bum, Mr. Silverman. If anyone, can I just say, if anyone's just started, if someone's been recommended.

This is the first episode. Just don't bother. Don't bother with this one. Skip it. Or go into an older one. Stay with us. No, don't. I'm cupping my nuts.

See? See, that's not going to help anyone. Stay with us, please. I'm cupping my nuts. That's what people live for. This last five minutes has been nonsense, bullshit, con-lant-less. I know, but you. I'm cupping my nuts. That's what people live for. This last five minutes has been nonsense, bullshit, conlent. I know, but you're the one who keeps fucking...

We're doing the next bit, then. Why don't you go out, Eli, and we'll do this sketch again. Just go out. No, I won't. I see your finger. Yeah? Yeah. It's coming towards the button. Yeah, I'm going to wake that dog up. Doggy button. Oh, shut up. Doggy button. Oh, shut up.

Dog's button. Now, welcome to Paul Gannon's Ding-a-ling-a-ling Sweet Shop Time, where we try something that is based on sweets. Why are you coughing? I have a bug. You really are a letdown. He's lying. He's lying.

You sound like Orville. He's lying. He's lying. But you sound like Orville. He's lying about me. In fact, that's the thing. You're slowly turning into Orville over this episode. I'm not turning into Orville. He's like,

I wish I could spoff, but that's not enough. Oh, I can't. I fucking can. Yeah, you know what, Eli? Could be our worst episode. Yeah. Right, so.

Sorry, everybody. So, look, it's because Paul has to do all the heavy lifting comedically I'm not good at it I'm good at bouncing off of people You know letting them set up And I take the punchline

But you should have been there for me Training for this moment When I was going to be let down On the comedy front And then you should have Every week it's been that No it's not I say very funny stuff

I'm a load-bearing co-host of this podcast Yeah No Don't look me in the eye Grab your crotch and just go yeah You can bear this load right up your nose Anyway, welcome to Gannon's Candyland Where we try out cheap sweets and candies

And see how they stack up against some of the more popular and possibly more expensive sweets and candies out there. No, we don't. That's not what we're doing. We're just tasting some crap. It's not. Gannon's Candyland. Welcome to Gannon's Candyland.

Well, what are these compared to what? What's the equivalent? What's the equivalent? Welcome with me to Gannon's Candyland Where the dreams come true each and every day Come with me to Gannon's Candyland Licorice and lollipops and jelly beans aplenty Gannon's Candyland, Gannon's Candyland

Spread your legs, get out your arse It's Ganon's Candyland And literally no amount I'm drowning Of autotune can sort that shit out It's Ganon's Candyland It's Ganon's Candyland It's licorice, jelly beans, all that treats It's Ganon's Candyland

Put them in your mouth and chew them Get on your knees and blow them I don't know what you want to do and show them Oh, Ganon's Candyland. Ganon's Candyland. Ganon's Candyland. What about bubble gum? Bubblegummer up your bum.

It's Ganon's Candyland. Throw them at me. Lollipops. It's Ganon's Candyland. It's Ganon's Candyland. There's lollipops and doggy blops. It's Ganon's Candyland.

Tootsweets. Ganon's Candyland. It's Ganon's Candyland. I like tootsweets. I've got big feet. Ganon's Candyland. Tootsweets. Ganon's Candylands. It's Ganon's Candylands. I like tootsweets. I've got big feet. Ganon's Candylands. Now say glands instead of lands.

It's Ganon's Candy glands. It's Ganon's Candy glands. Ooh, I want some of that sugar. They're nice and juicy, ever so fruity. Ganon's Candy glands. Stick it when you come, man. Suck them dry. I regret all of that

No we found something there Paul We found cannons candy cans No we found the bottom of the barrel No I don't believe in the bottom of the barrel Right I reckon this barrel just keeps going down forever All the way It's a bottomless barrel Just like a bottomless brunch even the bottom of the barrel. Right. I reckon this barrel just keeps going down forever. All the way.

There's no bottom. It's a bottomless barrel. Yes. Right. Just like a bottomless brunch. Eli, what do you want to start with? Because we have three Barrett's Mallow Spreads. One is fruit salad,

which is a fruity sweet. Pink. Is it pink or it's two-tone? We won't know until we open it. No, but are they the traditional? Yes, they are. They were two-tone. They were two-tone sweets.

One sweet beyond. See what I did there? Yeah. The two-tone and the sweets. Yes. Yeah, it's good that, isn't it? Very clever. So there's Barrett's Fruit Salad Mallow Spread. We have Flump's Mallow Spread. Now, aren't Flump's marshmallows

to begin with? Yeah. Vanilla. Ah, now it's fucking with my mind. Yeah, this seems reductive. It's all a bunch of flumps all mashed together. What's the third flavour? Wham! So this is sour raspberry mallow spread. Which is the flavour of wham, which I never realised before. Well, I've never really...

When you're a kid, it's just wham flavour. You don't think about what it's meant to be. Yeah, that's what I mean. What do you want to start with? Let's start with the flumps. I think that's the least interesting. That seems like our base neutral, right? Here, I'm going to hand you a spoon here, Paul.

We're just going to take a little tip of it and nibble on it. Now, this is for spreading, like we said. It's a very sweet spread. Yeah. It just says on the side. Could you put it on like white bread, like toast? If you wanted to. I bet people do want to.

It says here, dip it, top it, fill it. So dip it. It's got something you're dipping into it. So like a biscuit or slice of cake. Top it, maybe for icing on a fairy cake. Or fill it. And it's like got a little kind of cake and it's saying, oh, look. You can use it as a...

Oh, you can make it like a sponge cake. Yeah. But the filling, ooh, it's versatile. Well, yeah, hopefully. Unless it tastes like shit. In which case it's not. I think it'll be very sickly sweet. It's just white.

What's the consistency though? It looks like the stuff from that film. The stuff. It's kind of What's the consistency though? It looks like the stuff from that film. The stuff. It's kind of got the same consistency. It looks like the stuff. Yeah. It looks well like the stuff.

It's got the same consistency as like ice cream but just not cold. Yes. It looks like not cold ice cream. It's fluffy. I can't smell anything. Not much smell at all.

Not a lot of aromatic oils coming off this. Oh, I can smell a bit of vanilla. Yeah, a little bit. Oh, that's a real plasticky smell. Yeah. Really plasticky, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm going to have a bit. Oh, fuck me. That's like trying to swallow a sweet loogie. It's a vanilla flavour. It's got this strange texture. Do you know what?

Can I just say, did it feel like I was eating paint then for a minute? Yeah. It's got this strange kind of... It's not helped by the chemical... Chemical... Yeah. There's a chemically note,

and also it has a plasticky texture as well. You nearly said testicle. Plasticky texture as well. I mean, it's... Okay, again, it's not awful, but what would you... Maybe you could put that on like a biscuit or something. It's sickly sweet.

It's so sickly sweet. I'll add two spoons. But I could see the... Because that is what flumps taste like. Yeah. It's so sickly sweet. I'll have two spoons. But I could see the... Because that is what flumps taste like. Like weak, artificial vanilla flavour. Yeah. But I can see this being more interesting than the next two. Here's the lid for that.

Let's put it back on. That's good. It's a base spirit for us there. Wham or fruit salad next? Let's go fruit salad. Same again. Pop lid. Oh!

It's a very... Is it pink and yellow? It looks like someone shat in this. Oh no. Why is it half empty? It's collapsed. It's not coming up to the same level. Oh, fuck me. It's like paint thinner.

Has it gone off? I don't know. It's like de-emulsified. It's gone down to almost the level. It's like all the air has come out. Yeah. Oh no, that's a very artificial raspberry flavour. But it does smell like fruit salad sweets, though. It does. It smells like melted fruit salad. God, what's wrong with that?

Look at the lid. I'll take a picture of this. I'll give it some of you. I'm going to have a little bit. Oh, my. It is not appetising to the eye. It's like, what is it, orange? Pink.

It's a deep. No, that's like an orange. No, that's a deep pink. It's like this. It's like, what is it? Orange? Pink. It's a deep. No, that's like an orange. No, that's a deep pink. Like a terracotta. Everyone will agree with me. It's a deep pink. That's not orange. That is not terracotta, Paul.

I'm sorry. That is a pink. It's peach. Yeah, but it's pink. Peach. It's not orange. I don't see pink. I see more orange there.

All right. Well, we'll have to have this argument. Please let us know what you think. God, this is fucking horrible stuff. Look at the pink. Maybe it is more orange because it's a combination have to have this argument please let us know what you think god this is fucking horrible look at the maybe it is more orange because it's

a combination of the yellow and the pink oh god this is not fun here we go here we go it's nasty this stuff is

nasty can we just agree this is these are bad ideas conceptually oh no only a quid each there's such good

value as well I mean depends on what if this a quid each. There's such good value as well. I mean, depends on what... If you like this, then it's got good value. But... Oh, God. It all came off. Yeah.

Oh, it's burning. That felt... You know what that felt like? Like chewing gum that had collapsed like texturally in your mouth. Yeah, it's got so little going for it. Was it better than the Flumps one though or worse?

No, because at least I could like fathom the Flumps one. It's just sickly with a really strong plastic artificial fruit flavour, I guess you'd call it. But to me it reads as a raspberry. Well, this is going to be interesting. It's not supposed to be raspberry, is it? No, it's just mixed fruits. Yeah.

I think it's meant to be like pineapple and something. But anyway. I was getting a blue Raz, a big blue Raz thing. Let's meant to be like pineapple and something. But anyway. I was getting a blue ras, a big blue ras thing. Let's have a look at the actual thing. This is meant to be sour raspberry. So at least it's got texture. It stayed inflated. Which is a good sign.

It stayed up to the rim. Oh. It smells like wham bars? No, it smells like candy floss. Oh, yeah. It does smell exactly like candy floss. Weird. Why does that smell of candy floss with the fruit salad?

Smells of rancid raspberry. Yeah. Right, I'll have a try of this. This is much closer. What's... that fruit salad one's gone off or something. Ah, that's, er... nasty. Ah, that's nasty. Maybe it's the texture I don't like, but that texture does not work with the flavour.

It's aerated. Oh, that's a weird one. Because it tastes like candy floss. It just does. There's too much sugar in the mix, that's why. Because candy floss is just spun sugar, isn't it? Yeah. But also, marshmallow is just sugar.

I don't know which one's the best. That, to me, is the best one. I don't know. The Wham one, for me, is the best one. The fruit salad. I feel like we've lost on all of these. I don't feel like my life is any better for having experienced what I just have. I feel like this has been a net negative.

It's been a negative experience in my life. Can you imagine eating a whole spool of that? You wouldn't. You'd put it on some toast or something, wouldn't you? Okay, so I will say this, and this is something that we need to be honest about, right? When we just try these as they are on a spoon, right? You're taking it for face value of what they are. But maybe it's better if you stuck it

between two slices of sponge cake. Absolutely. But that's because, yeah, you've got other things going on when you have a bite there. With some sponge cake, sure. But still, if I was going to have a sponge cake, put some jam in there.

What's wrong with jam? Jam's going to work every time. Yeah, cream, jam. It's like if you put fruit salad in your cake separator and you put the... Sponge cake. Yeah, the sandwich sponge. I think what you'll end up doing

is ruining the flavour of the cake itself. This is probably more economical than buying a jar of jam. Yeah. Who's acquitted for that? Maybe it's a topping frosting for some kind of mini cake.

They should be ashamed of themselves, bars, for putting their name on all sorts of... Oh, they've long since not given a shit, mate. That's Frankenstein food. You know, they talk about ultra-processed foods.

Well, I tell you what, mate. Before we even get further, I'll show you this. So you say they put their name on anything. Yeah, they fucking have. Because Switzels, you know, Switzels... But this isn't bars, to be honest. No, this is Switzels. Who makes Iron Brew?

It's bars, isn't it? And bars makes those. No, be honest. No, this is Switzels. Who makes Iron Brew? Iron Brew. It's bars, isn't it? And bars makes those. No, is it? No, that's Barrett's. Barrett's, and we had bars. Okay, sorry. Barrett's, Barrett's, and these are Switzels.

And what was the ones we like are... Switzels. No, what are the ones we like? They make crisps and bobbies. Bobbies. Yeah. Bobbies. Bobbies are actually good.

In that marketplace... For that price, yeah. Of incredibly cheap bottom of the barrel confectionaries. Yeah. Bobby's have got some they're sweet

they're corn snacks are pretty fucking good aren't they Bobby's? Decent for the price. And didn't we have their pretzel pieces were alright as well? Yeah.

We should look for some Bobby's. Yeah that's what I mean. See if any of you Bobby's on the scene. You see why I'm bringing them up because I think Bobby's would do a better product than that.

I don't think they even do this. I think it would be a waste of their time and resources. They do do jelly beans though. But let's quickly do I think a better well they wouldn't do this product than that I don't think they even do this I think it'd be a waste of their time and resources they do do jelly beans let's quickly do these jelly beans by Switzels because they have a squishies flavour

ah Switzels do the squishies yeah refreshers I mean squishies are good aren't they drumsticks and two double dip flavour jelly beans

so what would that be oh it's the smallest writing in the world you remember double dips where it's like powder and then like a chalky lollipop on the other side. It's basically sherbet but with a candy spoon.

Yeah. I'm going to try one at random. A blue one is a or it could be a squishy. No, it is a squishy. Squishy flavoured but squishies don't have a flavour. Squishies are refreshers. Yeah, no, well. Do you see what I mean? This one's a bit bubble gummy. Squashies. What did I flavour. Squishies are refreshers. Yeah, no, well, do you see what I mean? This one's a bit bubblegum-y.

Squashies. What did I say? Squishies? Yeah. No, squashies then. Oh, no, there's two different flavours of squashies. Yeah, I said that. You just didn't read it out.

Yeah, but I did say there were two different flavours. I think the green ones are apple. These are good. The ebony's are good. Quite nice. I've had a white one now. Ooh, that's coconut-y. So orange double dip is orange flavour.

Is that coconut? Definitely the white ones are good. Red. Shut up. Let me tell ones. Red. Shut up. Let me tell you. Just fucking shut up. Okay. So red double dip is cherry.

Orange double dip, orange. Drumstick is original raspberry and milk flavour. Yeah. Refreshes apple. Refreshes original lemon. Squashies, apple and sour cherry. Yeah. And then bubblegum flavour.

So I was right about the one I had. Yeah, I've got the lemon one. I'm going to try the refreshes lemon. These are good. This is the best thing we've had all day. Yeah, these are really nice. Nice, distinct flavours. Very sweetie flavoured.

You know? I'm getting a nostalgia tip for like when I was a kid, sort of, you know? Oh, these are actually really quite nice. The flavours, these flavours, our squashies are good as well. I'm sorry. This has got that mouth crack quality. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Oh, we pulled it out the bag.

Yeah, let's have another couple. Yeah, all right. Those are nice. Did Sarah get us these as well? I can't remember who got us those. Honestly, everyone, this is our best product today. I kind of think I bought those at B&M for Christmas when we didn't get round to them. Jelly Bean Favourites by Swizzles.

Really good. The texture's not great, but the flavours are much better. It's a standard jelly bean texture. Would you say Jelly Belly has a better textured bean? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. These are slightly more crunchy on the outside. They've got a slight kind of tougher outer crisp shell, if you want to say that.

But the flavours are really, really nice. They just work. Those artificial flavours work in that format. They translate really well. Right, well, hey! Yay! That's a high point. So after drinking

three disgusting fucking energy drinks... To be fair, the Iron Brew flavoured energy drink that was original wasn't that bad. And I...

It wasn't that bad. Mediocre energy drinks followed by an underwhelming cola knock-off. Yeah, cocked it. And then three foamy spreads that fucking did nothing. That was the low

point. Alright, sorry, let me just finish these beans. Oh, is there banana in there? I'll finish my fucking beans on your banana. Right, now we've stopped stuffing our faces with beans, we can now end this week's episode of the podcast. Just before we go, can I just apologise to everyone who's listening? My voice is

usually in a lot better shape than this. I look forward to next week when you're just hungover as usual. I won't be hungover next week. You might be. You usually are. I won't be hungover next week. Well, find out next week if Eli's in a ruinous state before we start recording. Thanks for sticking with us, everybody, into this year.

Cheap Show's got a lot of stuff planned for this year. I think it does. Special episodes. Me and Paul are planning. You're not selling it to me. So you're not going to be selling it to them, I'm trying to just say,

you know, there's high points and there's low points in this. We're a weekly podcast. I'm not everyone. It's a numbers game. I've got proper bug, everyone.

And my voice really is a ragged. It's like a ragged, used nappy that someone in a post-apocalyptic society had to use as a flag. As a flag. A shit nappy flag. You're comparing yourself to a shit nappy flag. Yeah, can I do a scene?

In a Mad Max. No, you can't. I've lost the ability to speak language. Shit nappy. He says it in English. No, I've lost the ability my character so I'm going to start the scene now but why did you have to tell me that

I'm going to start the scene you're coming into the camp you're coming into the camp and you see the shit nappy I'm hoisting it I'm hoisting the shit nappy flag right okay nappy

so yeah not every week's going to be a great episode of Cheap Show not every episode will have Naffy So yeah Not every week's Going to be a great Episode of Cheap Show Not every episode Will have Wall to wall laughs But we think

We've started off On a low key You know All we can do Is go up from here Can't we The only way is up Oh baby

For you and me now The only way is up Name one One other Song by Yaz in the Plastic Population. You can't do it, can you? There was one. They did have a minor second hit. I know.

But you can't name it. And I won't look it up. So, sorry Yaz if you're listening, but we don't care. I'm going to do a little meta song. The only hit is the only way it's up. Baby, for Yaz. The only hit is the only way it's up, baby, for yes. The only hit is the only way it's up. Can you go back to just wanking off dogs?

It's funnier. Have you got any? The only wank is pup. No, that's it. Genuinely awful content this week. Let's wrap this up. Let's wrap this up. Own your love.

Own the love for me. Own your love for me. Own your love for me. Oh, say your love. Own the love for me. Own your love for me. Own your love for me. Oh, say your love. Mate, I want to end this week's episode. Please let me. And that's Cheap Show for another week. If you want to follow us or know more about us,

the best place is our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, where we have dedicated pages for the episodes. We have links to all our social media platforms, YouTube. Our Patreon link is there as well. But, hey, if you also want to jump ahead and go straight to it, it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Tears. There are tears of support.

On my pillow. Of support that you can join. do a tears of support on my pillow of support that you can join and depending on what tier you join you have access to podcasts and magazines

and videos and behind the scenes stuff and all sorts of goodies so patreon.com forward slash cheap show thecheapshow.co.uk for everything else Paul

yes there were tears in my bedroom the other day milky dog tears after I tore my dick. Yeah, you know what? Let's end this week's episode while we can.

Thanks, patrons. You know, your support is helping me to buy... Night Bus Part 3 coming soon, by the way, patrons. I need that. I need the hope that that gives my soul. We're going to do it. It's going to happen. Maybe in February.

A big one. Maybe in February. You're right, finally in Feb. We'll do a big it's a popular it's a popular part of our Patreon podcasting yes so

you have access if you support us on Patreon to two episodes of Night Bussin yeah do you remember the roots it's our little

yes the N18 of course I do yeah I'm just checking first one was the N18 yeah which goes to your gaff it was from Harrow all the way down to

Trafalgar Square and then we did a fucking mammoth the 199 yeah St Mary's Axe is it called something like that

Mary's Axe crosses Ox all the way to Trafalgar Square we didn't end up in Trafalgar Square yeah we did because we got off

oh yes all roads lead to Trafalgar Square and we've got a third route planned do we we're doing the big one yeah and Patreon supporters will be able to find that out soon very soon All roads lead to Trafalgar Square. And we've got a third route planned. Do we? We're doing the big one.

Yeah, and Patreon supporters will be able to find that out soon. Very soon. Right, that's it. Anything else you need to say? Anything else? Why do I feel sick again? Am I ever going to... Oh, I can announce my book's nearly done. Just one more chapter.

Jesus wept. It's nice, isn't it? It's coming out. I don't believe it. I don't believe it, frankly. I think that you're going to have to cut several thousand words and I mean like tens of thousands of words.

Tens of thousands of words will be harvested which will break me intellectually and creatively. Don't say I didn't warn you. Have you got anything going on this year? Any big plans?

I'm going to be in, am I allowed to say that in Ashton's movie? I don't know. I heard you got fired from it. Oh, shut up. He was talking to me about it recently. He said, your role doesn't exist anymore.

Well, maybe that's going to happen. Also, I do have a short comic film I'm shooting in February. Oh. With Crawford Baxter. Who's that? He's a character that my friend Joe Holvega portrays. And it's going to be a little bit racy. I've read the script.

Is it edgelordy? Are you going to say the N word? No, no. Or pretend you're a turf or something. Is that what you're going to be a little bit racy. I've read the script. Is it edgelordy? Are you going to say the N word? No, no. Or pretend you're a turf or something. Is that what you're going to do? No. Is that what you're going to do? Are you going to black up?

Is that what it is? Are you going to do some really dodgy stuff? No, I'm not, Paul. That will jeopardise this podcast. No. Hey, Paul, have you seen what Eli's video is online? He just does the most horrible racist accent. This is a short film and it's about a date, I believe.

So it's going to be sexist, is it? It's going to be an incel-y sexist kind of thing. No, Paul. It's disgusting. Any sniff of any outside project I tell you about, you haven't got nothing. Why didn't you run this past me? You're not my agent.

I fucking have to be sometimes. Because if you're going to appear in pornography and then come back to this podcast, mate. Fucking sometimes I think I should. With this, what I'm working with. Well, look. If everyone had started OnlyFans, mate, I guarantee you'd get some money.

Oh, no, no. Just you. I feel sick. I feel like I'm having a fever dream. You and a dog. Just fucking. No, why does that keep coming up? Because you keep stroking its cock, mate.

You... I'm ending the episode now. Bye, everyone. Bye-bye.