CheapShow - Ep 37: The House of Pickles 2

Episode Date: March 14, 2017

With Special Guest Ash Frith It's time for another brief and bouncy CheapShow mini episode as we once again head into the House of Pickles for a chat with Paul & Eli. In this episode, we take reader's questions and find out that Eli doesn't take to bad grammar very well. Also, we find out what Eli's angriest moment is, what a tramp did on Paul's bus journey to work, discover Ash is too British NOT to take home a food order that isn't his own and reel in horror as Eli describes his ideal planet. If you want us to answer any queries in later HoP episodes, email [e-mail] or tweet us @thecheapshowpod with the hashtag #AskSilverman Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow, @elisnoid @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, live from the House of Pickles, episode 2. to Cheap Show live from the House of Pickles episode 2. With me is me, Paul Gannon. As always with me in his room in London is... Oh, that's me. Hello, Eli Silverman. Yeah. I'm in the House of Pickles. And as a special guest today joining us live over Skype is Ash Frith. Hello there, London. Hello there, Cambridge. I believe. This does sound like we're doing a really bad Eurovision. Hello, Norway. I am by the seaside.

I can tell you the seagulls are having a whale of a time this evening. Excellent. Where are you based? Sorry, I've never really asked. I'm Leon C, by the seaside. Oh, isn't that lovely? And you can really see the sea?

Not currently. I'm in a... I'm in a... I'm in a... I'm in a booth. I'm in a recording studio. I'm in a spare room. Oh.

But yeah, I mean... Well, that's the glamorous life we lead at Cheap Show. If I could be bothered, we could be... I could have taken you live to the sea as we recorded. Well, we can do that next time. We're going to have a special live from the coastline. You can do the audio

working on the wind. Yes. Actually, Eli's good with wind, so we can just let him do the wind part. Perfect. Also, could I just mention, I'm a fucking tramp, and I'm gay. Getting in early there if you're listening to this and you'd like to sample that and make it i don't know a ringtone or a soundboard button please do we'd love to hear that played i don't know maybe live loud

when we do a live show i'd like to see that become eli's catchphrase i'm a tramp and i'm gay i have to say before we start again it's none of my business you're in charge here. It's great to be back with you guys. It's been too long. I've missed you both. It really has. I'm just I feel I feel home. I am home. This is the thing isn't it? It's like we used to have you call in when we did the show in the in the studio in Southampton. we did the show in the studio in Southampton. Yep. And then nothing really for a while because life gets in the way.

Life and trouble. Kids. Bloody kids, I tell you. Kids. Scrabbling around under my feet. I've only got one kid. He's massive. He doesn't need looking after at all. Fair enough. What, you just let him free? Like a free-range child? He's a feral child now. Pokemon Go is the best thing that ever happened.

I strap it on him, poke him out the door, comes back and he's done. Once he's a feral child now pokemon go is the best thing that ever happened i strap it on him poke him out the door comes back once he's been hunting uh yeah we're trying to monetize it at the moment we're strapping anyone's iphone onto him with a bit of velcro send him out he's hatching eggs left right and center i tell you i didn't know it was still popular pokemon go i thought it had its day in the sun i few months ago i keep my references six months old at all time well this is the thing actually you're saying you miss being in the fall but you know we did that episode recently where we went for a car boot sale i did i enjoyed it yeah we were thinking we should do that but maybe have two teams me and eli against you and justin oh that would be good he'd be a terrible person it'd be be brilliant. He'd be so angry.

That's great because I've got my angry man and you've got your own angry man. Yeah. No, that's good. But I think Justin's, Justin Panks is a fellow comedian. We do a podcast as well.

His anger is sort of within his soul. Eli, I kind of feel, is justified with almost everything that makes him angry. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Yes. That's okay. I feel like Justin okay i feel like too bloody right yeah justin's comes from upbringing i would say so it'd be brilliant that's a great idea yeah we should do that and then i was thinking uh do you remember graham eli a friend of ours uh yeah yeah did the sketch show uh yes, I do. I was at his wedding, Paul. Do you remember him? I was at his wedding where you did the best man speech and swore your head off. No. The thing is, I wouldn't be embarrassed about that had it not been for the fact that I also, on that day, dropped the wedding ring during the most important part of the ceremony. Dropped your ring.

Dropped the wedding ring and then had to chase it up the aisle. And then he did the best man speech and he was like, I fucking love you. You can't do that. That's one of the rules. Yes, he broke the rules. Can I just also say, is one of the rules, Eli, coming dressed as someone from Miami Vice?

Because that's how you turned up to the wedding. That's my choice. I had a sports jacket on. And a vest underneath. And a blue t-shirt. It was very fetching. And you know what, Paul? You look like a really bad tribute to Miami Vice. Well, at least I look like something, you know?

At least I just wasn't a swearing mouth. I said one swear word. A hundred times. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, happy ever after. Yes. Look, right now, my sphincter is retracting into my body with the thought and memory of this. So we can just move on.

The point is, I'd like Graham to be the presenter. I'd like him to be the arbiter of our second car boot sale challenge. We do need a judge because you know, an outside, a third party judge for the judging of the said items. Yeah. Someone who can keep the time, someone who can, you know, adjudicate the points and make sure everything keeps on the level. Right. Well, let's crack on with the podcast, because what I wanted to do today is,

rather than talk about how horrible my accents are, or Eli's, for that matter, I wanted to go into the... We've asked our audience for questions, and so there's a few out there. And I can ask all of them, to all of us, actually. So, Eli, are you ready for your first question? Please, yes. This is from Marlon M.

He says, Eli reacts so well to anger. What's the story of the angriest he's ever been? Did the crow rear its beak? Is that a reference to my penis? Yeah. It's known as the crow now, is it? You called it that because you said it was a crow's beak resting on a tennis ball. Yes, a ping pong ball.

Come on. I'm not an arrogant monster. So what's this guy called? His name's Marlon. Right. First thing, Marlon, read out the question again. Let's get the grammar bloody correct here. Eli reacts so well to anger.

So I react well to anger. What does that mean? You know what? What's he trying to fucking say? I don't understand what he's... I'm sorry to anger. What does that mean? You know what? What's he trying to fucking say? I don't understand what he's... I'm sorry, Paul. As a native English speaker, I don't understand what Marlon's fucking trying to say.

Well, what he is trying to say is, I'm a fan of your work, Eli, and now he's feeling really bad. Right, so he's saying, Eli reacts with anger well. Yes. Is that it? Yeah. Okay, all right. What's the story of the angriest he's saying Eli reacts with anger well Is that it? Okay, alright What's the story of the angriest he's ever been?

I think we've just found out I'll tell you what I was angry today I was on the bus Great story I was sitting at the back of the bus Did you get off the bus at any point in this story? No yeah not not in the story but at the after the story's finished

i did get off the bus because okay because i'm now in that house of pickles so uh i'm on the bus and i'm sitting at the back on the top deck like all the cool kids do and uh this woman comes along and uh she there's a seat free in front of me yeah the second to last row and um she walks towards the seat looks at me looks around desperately looking for anywhere else in the bus she might be able to sit and then sort of sighs inwardly to herself and sits down. I mean, what am I? Some kind of fucking pariah? You know what I mean? So was this pre or post haircut? It was today, post haircut. You had a haircut?

Mate, we have to get into that at some point. But yeah, Eli is sans beard and long hair now. For a part. Yes, it was for a role. It was for a role. Kiddy fiddler well for goodness sake you know so anyway so she so she eventually accepts that she's gonna have to sit next to you know mr smelly puss or whatever and sits in front of me and then someone's listening to music on

their headphones and she's sort of tapping them on the shoulder excuse me that's very loud and the woman's like what the fuck are you on man you know i mean like fine if someone's playing music like on their phone that's you know that's unacceptable but you know your headphones a bit loud it's like come on lady she sounds like a right mardi arbor yeah so it made me feel better about her tacit rejection of proximity to me. Can you imagine being able to communicate with people to tell them off in a public domain? That baffles me. I can't do that. No, it absolutely baffles me that anyone could even think about communicating with someone like that.

Yeah, I know. And do you know what, Ash? I have to say, I fucking hate people who do. Yes, so do I. That's the only way i would ever interject if someone was telling someone off for having their music i'd tap them on the shoulder say can you not do that i find this offensive i find your level of self-confidence here offensive yes uh so she did that and then you know and then someone sat down next to her because the bus was getting busy and then she spotted an empty seat

further up the bus and she said excuse me and she went and sat there so obviously there was something about my presence that really offended her and she can go fuck herself you know with her hoity-toity bullshit you know what love you're so important get a fucking uber you know you want to be part of society you want to be part of society deal with proximity to other humans and then you got off the bus and then later on i got off the bus see if that had been me i would have purposely got out of my way to sit next to her once she'd moved and i've done that in the past i'd have thought about doing that i'd have thought oh if i go and sit next to her or I might think, oh, I could tell people I went and sat next to her because I was that angry.

You see that on Facebook all the time, don't you? It's like they tell the story and they go, then I sat next to her and I said, oh, how do you like this? I put my music on loud. And you just think, no, you didn't. That's what you wanted to do. No, you're lying. You never did, liar. See, I remember that time I was taking a bus into work in London and a tramp came on the bus and

did a massive poo on a bus into work in London and a tramp came on the bus and did a massive poo on a bus seat. Right. And the only reason I stayed was because I felt too British to complain. And I was like, if there's any time to complain about something, it's when a man takes a shit on a bus seat. Yeah, but no, you sat it out

and you just... In fact, you offered up to pay for the shit to stay on there. And then he had the gall to take the shit and then sit away from it. I was like, mate, you need to own that. That's yours. What do you want to do? Sit on it? Well, no, just sit next to it.

Don't fucking take a shit and then go, oh, I can't stand the smell of that and go to the back seat. I think he's right. He's a hypocrite. Yeah, he is. I am so awkward that I've told this story before, but I once, my girlfriend phoned to the kebab, because I can't phone for takeaways or anything like that.

So my girlfriend phoned for a takeaway, and I agreed to go and pick it up. So I went down to the takeaway place. We just ordered two halloumi kebabs. It was about six quid or something. Nice. I drove down there. go and pick it up so i went down to the takeaway place we just ordered two like halloumi kebabs so it was about six quid or something i went drove down there to pick it up and he put two carrier bags of food on the side it was like that's 28 pounds so i just i just i just paid it and left and then i went home and my girlfriend was like what the fuck is all of this and i just went

i don't know i could he was so big and greek i couldn't do anything to do there was nothing i could do i mean did it did it include your halloumi halloumi yeah there was a halloumi kebab in there so i had that and she uh eats meat so she had some sort of like lamb kebab she had a feast i mean you can get about four for that that is something that's a low point in my life that just haunts me yeah it's not exactly ball swinging time is it you know yes please and then put two quid tip in the little jar oh no i'm not tipping anyone. Come on. We're British here, all right? All right, let's move on to the next question then.

Steve Theory on Twitter asks, Hey, Eli and Paul, have you ever found a cheap brand of food that was actually better than a name brand? Hmm, interesting. Very good question. Very good question. Are you happy with that one? I like that question. At least it's worded in a sort of

way that is understandable. And he's personally attacking you. And this also goes to you, Ash, as well, if you have a brand in mind. Well, he didn't name me. I cannot possibly join in if he didn't specifically name me.

We'd like you to join in. Oh, okay. Thank you. Yes, we would. So the only thing that springs to mind here, Paul, and Ash, is... See, I'm including you now. Thank you.

Is Tato's. What's Tato's? They're Irish crisps Oh, Tato's? Well, no, there's these crisps I think they're called Mr. Tato or something Oh, yes, yes, they're good You know these, yeah

And they're not Smiths, are they? No They're not Walkers And they're not Golden Wonder either Which is a brand you still sometimes see, isn't it? When I was producing Paul McCaffrey's breakfast show, we did a segment. Laptop Paul McCaffrey.

I'll name drop that big name comedian, shall I? Yeah, let's do that. When I was producing his show, we did a thing called Desert Island Crisps. And comedians talk about their favourite crisps. And I tell you what, taters came up so often. That and pickled onion monster munch. They were the two big ones.

I said pickled onion monster munch. So you think taters are better than walkers and such? Yes, definitely much better than walkers. Walkers cheese and onion have gone all funny over the years, haven't they? What, like politically?

They've got racist views now and things. You're obsessed with racism, you know that, Paul? Only to the extent that I hate it and I'm against it. Yes, okay. Mine is also crisp-based. I love a cheap onion ring crisp.

Oh, yeah. Like a real cheap one. You know, it's really brilliant hangover food. If you're really hungover, just they're so greasy and salty and they're almost chewy. Like where the pack maybe has burst slightly and the air's got into them.

God, no. Just a cheap... You know, like 5p bags. They used to be 5p. I don't know if they are anymore. Yeah, like Tom's. You used to get those cheesy balls and Tom's. I did used to get those.

So who had Mr. Tom's cheesy balls? No, they're two different crisps, Paul. There's Tom's which are like tomato flavoured balls. And then you have cheesy balls which are obviously like a what's it rip off.

I like a beef burger type crisp as well. I'm vegetarian, but I do love a beefy crisp. Do you like frazzles as well? I love a cheap frazzle. So there you go. If you buy a knock-off frazzle, that's up there with the onion ring.

Again, I like my food as greasy as it comes i would have my all of my food sitting in a bed of oil no matter what salads anything pour all over it i'll eat yeah well that's a healthy option in a way because it keeps the bacteria you've got a seal against the bacteria entering the food there don't you i tell you what i would pick for my choice is, you know Nestle Crunch Bars, the chocolate bars with the kind of rice crisp on the bottom? Yes.

If you go to Lidl, they do their own brand of them, and I can't remember what they're called. I think it's like Chocolate Crunch or Chocolate Snap Bars or something, but they are much better than the Nestle one and gorgeous, and I just go om-nom-nom, and they're like 30p as well for a big bar. It's just a cavalcade of awesomeness in your mouth.

I really like cheap white chocolate as well. Knock off, like not your Nestle stuff, nothing. Just a 175p and you get a huge amount. So you know there's sawdust in it as well. I love that.

Now, Paul, you've got something to say about white chocolate, don't you? Don't like it. There we go, moving on. I've told this story many times. Yes, I was the Milky Bar kid. No, Paul, you've got something to say about white chocolate, don't you? Don't like it. There we go, moving on. I've told this story many times. Yes, I was the Milky Bar Kid.

No, I didn't get it. My life's been one big failure. You were the Milky Bar Kid? I auditioned for the Milky Bar Kid and I didn't get it because apparently, as I've said many times before, my mum said I spent the whole audition crying. And weren't you more strawberry blonde than blonde? No, I was very, very blonde when I spent the whole audition crying. Aren't you more strawberry blonde than blonde? No, I was very, very

blonde when I was very young. Your mum used to bleach your hair to get you into parts. Why won't you be the fucking Milky Bar kid, you constant fucking letdown? That was my mantra growing up. So, shall I do another question or have you got something wittier?

No, the wit is at a very low ebb in the House of Pickles Alright, okay, right Martin Harder says Is that an instruction or is that a Now that we've got the pro comedian in the room here

Very good Now that we've got the pro comedian in the room here, yeah. Very good. Very good. That's such a backhanded compliment, I actually wouldn't take it. I can bring Eli to every gig I do. Just him going, yes, I get it. Nice. Next. Next punchline.

I understand. Go. Right, Martin says on Twitter, Eli, if you were were a fairy what animal would your fursona be good good good question very good question i think and incidentally i think i don't know if we mentioned this before but i mentioned it quite now we did have someone email in who was at one point in their life a fairy and they said you know i know eli got told off for saying all fairies do is fuck but i can confirm that when I was a fairy, all I did was fuck. So there you go.

Well, it's becoming a more and more attractive proposition for me, actually. So if that was a report from the inside, inside the outfit, with the yipping flap. I've just realised you were saying furry and not fairy. No. No. What delightful elfin character would Eli like

to be? No, that's not what I'm asking. It's because you're talking with your Jamaican accent. I can understand it. I'd be a gnome. If we're talking about fairy folk, I'd be a gnome. Yeah? Yeah, the gnomes are cool. They're hollow from behind. Would you be a gnome with a fishing rod?

No, I'd be the kind that dances around a mushroom. Yeah? I've never seen you dance. Why would you start dancing now you're a gnome? You've never seen me dance? No. I mean, just pointing at different parts of the air doesn't count as dancing.

So, a furry, my fursona, I think I'd go for a red panda a red panda yes it's not an actual panda not related to the panda at all more like a sort of uh um bear a small bear well are pandas like foxes or something stupid isn't it something like that no aren't pandas foxes? It's a thing you've just said. I thought I heard someone say that. To everyone who's listening. It's the other way round. Red pandas are a type of tree fox, I think.

Oh. And they used to have one in London Zoo and it was my favourite. And then that's led you in your brain to make it the perfect fursona for you. It's got sexy, it's got a big bushy tail a lovely sexy lovely lovely auburn almost uh hue and uh whiskers and paws sexy paws and if i was if i was dressed up as a uh my fursona of a red panda I would like to be

screwing someone dressed a lady hopefully dressed as an elephant right that would be elephant red panda or an elephant action I am literally tenting with just the thought of you

getting to grips with a fairy elephant what would your fursona be? What animal would you be, Paul? Me? A raccoon. That's bullshit. Cyril Sneer is who you'd be. Yeah.

No, no. Cyril Sneer wasn't a raccoon. He was a shaved raccoon. He wasn't. He was an aardvark. He was a penis-nosed person. Why was he living in the woods? Why were any of them living in the woods?

It was a cartoon show. Raccoons live in woods. Yeah, but he was a bad guy and he lived in a castle. And he had a nose like a penis. He had a penis like a nose was worse. That would be worse. If your penis looks like Seal Sneer's nose, Eli, you're in fucking trouble, mate.

Well, as we all know, it looks like a raven's beak resting atop two ping pong balls. It looks like Barbie's magical Malibu house's tap. That's what your penis looks like. So, Ash, what animal would you be attracted to impersonating in a furry outfit? I think I'd go gerbil, and I would probably put little dolls of Richard Gere in my bottom. Wow, very, very meta.

Oh, I don't even believe that's true. Yeah, no, I think probably something small like a hamster or a gerbil. Yeah, nice rodent, nice, I like rodents. Yeah, they're very furry and soft aren't they? And you can hold them in your hand and pet them. Yeah, they're cool and so are guinea pigs. And you can hold them in your hand and pet them. Yeah, they're cool. And so are guinea pigs.

And you can store a lot of stuff in your mouth. That's true. That is true. I've got a hamster downstairs, as we speak. A house hamster, we call it. Is that what his name is? Is that really how much you've... His name is Mario. Oh, thank you.

He is the house hamster The house hamster That's very adorable His cage is as big as my son's bedroom So you keep your son in a cage Well no But it's a small room But the hamster

Has two stories Of his house It's too big if anything for a hamster has two stories of his house. It's too big, if anything, for a hamster. Well, lucky hamster. I mean, has he got those pipes and stuff where he can roam around in different pipes? No, this is like a wooden hutch, really, that he's got. So he's got different levels.

He's got houses in there. He's got a whole load of coconuts wheels seesaws sounds better than eli's bedroom nothing is better than the house of pickles i've got i can see here i can see i've got a towel um there's one thing you don't you can't see in the house of pickles the floor your bedroom's covered in shit no it's not look i've got here i'm looking at a nice um room's covered in shit no it's not look i've got here i'm looking at a nice um uh jar a bottle of a hot sauce made in england proper pepper mitchell's proper pepper that's there that's handy i also have mango methia hot this is actual pickle here uh homemade style pickled mango methia so it may be called the house of pickles

people might think that's an affectation yeah but no there are condiments in here what room of the house are you in currently Eli? My bedroom it's known as the house of pickles you've got that much pickle in your bedroom yeah man

gotta live up to my reputation here man Paul how much reputation you've started you could have called yourself the house of gold bedroom yeah man yeah gotta live up to my reputation here man that's the reputation you started you could have called yourself the house of gold and how much pick you got in your bedroom paul no i don't own any pickles in my room yeah exactly no it's funny that isn't it well i think you need to start picking your end up paul yeah no you see the difference between your bedroom and mine is every night my bedroom has a beautiful woman in it, whereas you have a jar of pickles.

Well, I know what I'd rather. Really? I do like pickles. I do like pickles. You've sold me. I'm going to get some pickles. Wow. Alright, let's do one last question and then end this shambles. Right, this is from Daniel May. He says, this is a question for every one ofambles right this is from Daniel May he says this

is a question for every one of us Daniel May what Daniel May ask a question he might fuck Mark Harder Daniel May fuck Mark Harder perfect right comedy gold there been a long day actually yeah guys yeah right so here's

the question he asks you may have heard of the recent news from NASA about the discovery of seven new planets, three of which can sustain life. This has inspired my question for you today. Could you ask Eli if he could have his own planet, what would it be like, and what life would be there? Well, I think he would call it the planet pickle. No, no, I wouldn't actually, Paul.

You see, you're assuming something there. It would be called chutney. The planet condiment. It's still pickle-based, isn't it? I mean, a chutney is a subset of pickles, isn't it, really? I mean, yeah. So, no, no, good question, Mr May, as always. I think my planet would be

have a lake going around the equator which would just be this ring of water around the equator like a swimming pool and there'd be a constant race where all of the female population of the planet

would be racing each other nude around the equator and then planet would be racing each other nude around the equator and then I would be the emperor on my mile-high lifeguard tower and... I don't know where I'm going with this. You're a sex offender, aren't you?

You're a sex offender. I'm not a sex offender. Basically, look at how I think a despot does when he gets control of a country? What? He builds a swimming pool around the equator.

Full of concubines. Eli, you're forcing women to swim nude for your pleasure. It does seem a bit dictator-y. No, they are a special species. They're an aquatic lady species. So mermaids.

They're aliens. And they're sexy aliens. Sexy aliens. Do you have sex with the aliens, Eli? That's what we want to know. I simply judge and make sure that they don't infringe the rules of the race which goes on for all eternity.

Is the rules of the race that they're constantly kissing each other and fondling each other's breasts? No, they're trying to win, Ash. They're trying to win. What's the prize? There's no prize. It's like an eternal quest for... Your planet sounds fucking horrible.

And can I just add, there are also huge pickle stores. What's going on on the surface of the planet? Well, you've got the swimming pool ring around the equator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then at the poles, you have the northern Arctic pickle store,

where you get your gherkins and your vegetables. And then down on the south, you have your... Hot, hot, hot ghost chilies. Yeah, your hot stuff down at the south. Is the planet surrounded by noodle nebulas? Well, in fact, they are noodle rings and in the same way that saturn's rings are made of ice and small bits of rock mine would be made of ramen noodles wow i'm sold actually you know what i was off board i'm now on board good if you'll have me if you'll have me I remove myself from anywhere near the boards

In fact, I don't want to be associated with this planet in any way Because it sounds literally like a court case waiting to happen I don't think you're invited, Paul No, you're not invited to my planet I don't want to be on your fucking planet of women being tortured They're not women They have no heads Oh, you don't think women are women?

I think I might be off board I think I might be off board Come back on board. Please, it's lonely on my planet. There's no one to talk to. They've got no mouths. There's just these nude bodies swimming around the equator.

I'm double off board to think that Eli's dream woman is a torso with no head, big tits and the ability to swim. I've denied, I deny that I would have sex with these aliens. But you are judging them and forcing them to swim.

They just happen to be female. For a competition with no prize. It's cruelty. There could be male ones. There are male ones. Oh, that's all right then. So it's nothing to do with sex. Okay, I'm back on board.

Thank you. So, it's funny, this story um i heard that story as well um about the uh the exoplanets that they found um and he says in his question three of them could harbor life i heard that all seven were potential life harboring planets um there's there's seven of them there oh yeah so i mean where are all the aliens I get the smallest planet yeah I get whatever fucking planet I want no I don't think they're going to give you the option

I think in the question it did to be fair no I guess it did actually alright look ok there's some issues there are some issues with my planet there are some issues with your brain, the way you formulate. It's just weird. It's dark.

It's scary. It's a bit scary, isn't it? Imagine, like, headless aliens racing in an equatorial swimming pool forever. Yeah. And then the doctor lands in his TARDIS and forces you to an early exile because you're a horrible human being and a despot. I'm a despot, yes. So, Paul, what would your planet be before we move on to Ash?

My planet would be basically like the whole of Middle-Earth with lots of cottages and streams and tranquility and none of all this shit. I just want peace and quiet. What, like Tolkien's Middle Earth with racist stereotypes cast as different species? The only person on this planet is me.

No one's allowed on my planet. Girlfriend is furious at this stage. No, she can Skype me if she needs me. From her swimming pool on Eli's planet. I just want some peace and quiet. from her swimming pool on Eli's planet. I just want some peace and quiet.

It's all I want. You don't even have any torso swimmers. No. At most, at best, I've got a nice Lego collection that I can build and take apart and then rebuild at my leisure. Chutneytopia. That's what it's mine's called, by the way.

Oh, God. Chuktopia.uk chuk i don't know no chutney topia yes thank you yeah so ash have any thoughts on your perfect planet dwelling yeah my perfect planet is exactly like this planet but nobody has got my mobile phone number so they can't get get in touch. It's very similar to Paul. It's very idyllic. I like it here, but I just don't want to be invited out anywhere. Don't want to deal with people. My friends, they kind of know that I'm about,

but they're not trying to get me to do things. I think that would be my ideal place. If I choose to go and see them, I can do that, but I just don't want to be bothered. Yeah, that's good. I mean, perhaps you could have almost like an exactly the same planet, but just with a slightly different world line, timeline, one in which the technology of mobile phones never arose.

I think that's probably great. Imagine, like, the house phone, if you had to organise something. Because I think you's probably great. Imagine like the house phone, if you had to organise something, because I think you probably had to organise nights out with your mates, you know, 20 years ago. Oh God, I was going out then, so I know you didn't.

30 years ago, you probably had to arrange it when you were last with them. So you'd go, oh, it's been a great night, shall I see you next month? You know what I mean? Because otherwise you're just phoning a house phone.

I love that now. Imagine that. It would be lovely. It would be great, wouldn't it? Not, what are you doing tomorrow? I don't want to. I can't. I've planned not doing anything tomorrow.

It's great. It sounds brilliant. And if I needed sexual activity, I would just go online on my internet and look up Eli's Planet and watch that. That's not sexual. It's not sexual. To you, it's not sexual. It's not sexual. To you, it's not sexual. To me, it's a curio that I can't explain to my genitals. It's sport.

It's all good sport on Chutneytopia. Please come and visit for the eternal race. The eternal race where women swim till they die. It's just good sport. They're headless aliens. You could call it a super race. Yes. Yes, thank you. Yeah.

Right, then that's it. We're going to call that an episode, a lovely little mini episode of Cheap Show where we talk randomly about bollocks. And yes, fans, Eli does have no beard and very short hair right now. It will be revealed.

Well, we'll probably reveal it at Barshens at some point. have no beard and very short hair right now. I can't wait to see it. Well, we'll probably reveal it at Barshens at some point. I'll watch it there then. Yeah. Eli has got a clause in his contract that says I can't put an image out of his face. I don't think that is fair. Thank you.

Saying that, Eli, you unfollowed me quite recently. Do you remember? Yes, I do. It was a mistake. I don't work Twitter very well. Did you try and block Leslie Ash? He unfollowed and blocked me. Look, it's water under the bridge now, Ash.

Well, some of us is. Apparently not. Right, that's another episode of Cheap Show. Thank you for listening. Again, if you enjoyed what you heard, please subscribe to us on iTunes, rate and review us there. Follow us at TheCheapShowPod on Twitter.

You can email us as well with questions for Eli or any of us at our website. You can go to www.thecheapshowpod on Twitter. You can email us as well with questions for Eli or any of us at our website. You can go to www.thecheapshow.co.uk or email us thecheapshow at gmail.com. Thank you. Thank you for listening. We're getting bigger and better every year and at some point we will make

money from this. Every year? Every episode? Yeah, it is. We grow in years, mate. I'm being casual. I love you both. Alright, we'll get you on the show proper at some point as well. We'll get you eating stuff and playing Price of Shite

and all that kind of stuff. So don't worry, you're not too far from our hearts. Good, I'm stopping. Goodbye. God almighty. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. God almighty Goodbye everyone Goodbye