CheapShow - Ep 38: Pick Me Up

Episode Date: March 22, 2017

It's a slightly longer episode than usual, but Paul & Eli have so much to cram into this latest episode of CheapShow! In a bumper edition of your favourite economy comedy podcast we tackle Eli's lack of hair and beard, Paul has some pretty dark thoughts and more Noodle talk is had! In Cheap Eats, things get gross with some Japanese delights, one of which could've killed Paul and we put name brands and off brand biscuits head to head to see which is best. Finally, Paul & Eli go looking for money saving tips, life advice and depressing gossip in one of those dirt cheap lifestyle magazines you see in Supermarkets. It's extra chunky! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello ladies and gentlemen Eli Silverman here and you're about to listen to another fantastic episode of Cheap Show. Slop my gravy over the rim. Paul. I have no idea where to start with that. Well, I thought I said whoopsie gravy before, so it's more sort of sauce-based accident. Bantz. Can you repeat that then for me, then, what you said? Slop my gravy over the rim.

Right, okay. Starting with the word slop, not great. Alright. Not happy with the word slop. It's disgusting. You could say splash. Alright. Or gush. I'm open to suggestions on this. Yeah. So slop your gravy.

Spill the gravy? Spill the sauce? Splash your sauce all over my rim. See, that sounds a lot better and a lot less rude. No, it doesn't. It sounds a lot less rude, I think. So, welcome to another episode of Cheap Show. Yes, me and Eli are back in Shea Gannon in Cambridge.

And a lovely Shea it is, too. Isn't it a lovely Shea? So, let's just talk about this. Your beard and your hair's gone. Yes. Explain why, because I actually think your fan base would be interested to know why. Well, Paul, I had some acting work and... Self-generated.

When the calling calls, you have to make sacrifices, you know, and... And you sacrificed your face? All of my hair. Wow. Yes. I think you look better with short hair. Everyone does, but it is actually killing me.

Why? I've started avoiding going in places where I haven't been in since I had my hair cut because I know they'll go, I can't face it. Oh, no. I can't face them going, It's a very racist accent for the guys who work in the Turkish restaurant. That's not Turkish restaurant. It's where you go in though.

I've been in there, I don't mind. Good. Yeah. No, it's other places where they'll recognise me. Well,

it's like, well, you DJ then as well. Isn't that a big part of what you do? So I had it all last night. You look better. There was one,

lady, a girl who works on the bar. Yeah. Ticka, ticka, wow. Who gave me some of the faintest praise I've ever received. She said, A girl who works on the bar. Yeah. Tick-a-pick-a-wow. Tick-a-pick-a-wow-wow. Gave me some of the faintest praise I've ever received.

She said, Oh, you look like you could get a girlfriend now. Excellent. It's true, though. You do. Thank you. Even my partner looked at the picture of you and went, Oh, ooh.

She said, ooh. Yes. It brings out my natural face structure, but I need to oh, oh. She said, oh. Yes, it brings out my natural face structure but I'm going to, I need to sort it out. Yeah, you do.

So, don't worry fans of Eli's face and hair. In some respect, he's just going to remodel. That's what you're doing. Look how fucking quick the beard's coming back.

I'm actually quite surprised by the beards. What's the word I'm looking for? It's very keen to grow back. It's rapid. Yes. It's like your body knows it needs the beard. It needs it, yeah. It's very keen to grow back. It's rapid. Yes. It's like your body knows it needs the beard. It needs it, yeah.

It needs the beard. Everyone needs the beard, Paul. So what was you doing it for? It was for a film, wasn't it, that you've written? Yes. I've been working on it for a few years now. The idea started off as the Ministry of Ambience where I imagined if there was a government

department responsible for... This is you in acting mode. I like it. It's all very laid back. It's very nice. It's relaxed. No, it's laid back because I didn't get any sleep. But if that's the effect, I don't mind. Hey, you're listening to Relaxing Eli.

Yeah, so I've been working on it for a number of years and it was... Yeah, as if there was, imagine if you will, a government department whose role was to just make sure that background reality is sort of... Kept familiar. Is kept familiar. Yes. And my character is one of these people who works for the department. Yeah.

And we see him basically going about his daily chores. Creating ambience for the city. That's right. So, for example, to give you an idea, the first opening has him placing a glove on a railing. I see. Like you see. So it's that type of stuff.

The kind of thing you walk down the road and go, why is there... Yeah, why is that there? Why is that there? It's because the man from the ministry has put it there. Ah. So when is this released in the theatres?

Not sure. The edit's happening now because we did get some funding from a local film Emporium. What do you call it? A company? A film. Like a charity. Yeah. A film charity. A local one. We filmed in Palmer's Green because they're based there.

And they are having a screening. So that will be the day. This is the most boring cheap show there's ever been. When Eli takes his career seriously, no one ever wins. No, it's good. All right, good. I saw a few clips you had on your phone. It looked good.

So hopefully it will be funny. And it will be worth this horrendous trauma of cutting my beautiful, beautiful locks off. Beautiful hair. I know. You look so beautiful. Seriously,

I reckon the ladies would be absolutely gushing, slopped with their gravy and put over the rim of their panties to see the images of you. Whoopsie gravy. Oh, Eli's in.

Whoopsie gravy, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So, well, it'd be nice to get laid, obviously. It would be. It would be. But that would be, you know, a second... Tales from the bedroom. Showerish girl, come back to me.

Have you got something longer? No. No. I only bring out what I've got with me. Oh dear. So, yeah. Yeah, good. Well, that's all right then.

Good. All right, welcome to the TV show. Thank you. I've got nothing to report really. Nothing? No. Okay. I really don't.

Oh, well. Looking for a job. Yeah, still looking. Life depressing. Considered suicide once or twice. Had a difficult conversation with my partner been drinking to

excess smoking to excess taken to violent outbursts you're not I've kicked my cat you've not I have

I once swore a postman because he brought a bill to my house and I chased him down the street that's like what a dog would do

yeah kicked a dog he kicked a dog. You kicked a dog? In front of his family in a playground. That's what I did. Happy family. I just went up and hoofed that dog right in the chin with my boots on.

And it went out. It went out quick. Yeah. And the kid started crying. And the dad was like, why do you do that? And he went running for me. And the mother's crying. And the dog's unconscious, possibly dead. And I'm just laughing as I'm running for the bus.

So that's what you've been up to, yeah? Yeah. Okay. Good, good. It's all positive, you know, making good use of your time. And then I got a Blu-ray of the raid and I watched the raid and it's good. It's good. It's a good film.

Because it's people hitting each other and I like that. Yeah. Lots of hitting each other, lots of people getting their neck broken on door frames. Yeah. I like that. I need it. All right. Good.

So what have we got coming up in the show today, Paul? Hopelessness. Hopelessness. No. Cold. Wet. Yeah. Hopelessness.

It's always... It's a bit of a grim day here in Sharesgannon. Hopelessness. It's a bit grey outside. Yeah, it's grey inside. I stopped by, as is my want. Yeah. Why do you sound like you're having a whammy now? Well, the two emotions are very closely associated in my mind.

I stopped by the noodle place. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I picked up my mind. I stopped by the noodle place. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I picked up some noodles. Did you? Yes. Several packets.

Of? Noodles. I don't know. What kind of noodles? I got a creamy tom yum. Did you? Yeah. Lucky you.

Creamy shrimp tom yum. Yeah. Brand I don't usually buy. No. Tom yum. That's the flavour. Yeah. But it is a Brand I don't usually buy. No. Tom Yum. That's the flavour. Yeah. But it is a brand I don't usually buy.

I can't remember the name of the brand now. It's fine. You have no interest. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not really. But go on, continue talking because I know people do listen for some horrible reason

to this podcast for your noodle advice, which really, oh God, it depresses the shit out of me. Well, you can go out and kick a dog when we're done, right? I will. In front of its family. Knife a cat. I mean, why is a dog with its family? Was it a stray or something?

No, it was playing in the garden. What, you mean with its human family? Playing with the, yeah, it was playing with its human family in the playground around the corner. And you killed it. I mean, look, I didn't really, I made that whole thing up. So let's not go into the details. You got noodles. That's what everyone wants to hear right now. I mean, look, I didn't really. I made that whole thing up. So let's not go into the details. You got noodles. That's what everyone wants to hear right now.

I also... Your fucking noodles. Right. So let me. Let me tell them. I've got a shrimp tom... Creamy shrimp tom yum. Unknown brand.

Come back to you on that one. Yeah. And some Lucky Me chili calamansi ones. I take it that's the name of the brand, Lucky Me. Lucky Me is the brand. Good. Chili and calamansi, which is... What's calamansi? I take it that's the name of the brand Lucky Me Lucky Me is the brand and chili and calamansi what's calamansi

it's a citrus fruit oh I've never heard of it yes I don't think they have it in the like a lemon I think it's

like half way on the spectrum between an orange and a lemon it's between a lemon and a lime okay so it's sour yes

right but they use it for savoury and these Lucky Me have it with chili it's very nice Yes. Right. But they use it for savoury. And these, lucky me, have it with chilli. It's very nice. Gives it a sort of zesty... What would you do to pimp that, if you had to pimp it? I'm not saying you have to pimp it.

Oh, you have to pimp these. Oh, yeah? Yeah. They're basics? Yeah. All right. How many sachets? They're not a soup noodle.

They've got two sachets. So, okay. Three sachets. Oh, okay. So you've got your base, you've got some... You've got the powder base, you've got the soy sauce, and you've got the oil, the goopy oil. Oh. Still not interested in any

of this, but go on. And you'd pimp it with your classic spring onions. Yeah. Maybe some cabbage. Sausage. Not sausage. Not cabbage. Why? Cabbage goes well with noodles. So does sausage. What? Like a banger. You could slice it up. Like a British banger.

I'm not saying you put a sausage in noodles. I'm saying you slice one up and then you mix it in. You're fucking deranged. Well, I just maybe like a bit of meat in my noodle. I like meat in my noodle, but just an appropriate meat. What's an appropriate meat? An appropriate meat for a noodle would be pork belly, for example. I'll get pork belly then.

Well, yeah, but not a sausage. Oh, then I'll... A sausage is... You have it on a sarnie. I'll upgrade from sausage to pork then. Well, yeah, but not a sausage. Oh, then I'll... A sausage is... You have it on a sarnie. I'll upgrade from sausage to pork belly. Well, good. So come correct when you discuss noodle with me. What, when I bring it to the house of noodle,

I've got to be down with the fly man? You have to stand correct in the eyes of the noodle. Oh. Is this so over? So anyway, yeah, I picked some of those up. Yeah. And that's good. Good. I will eat them at some point. And what have we got coming up on the show, Paul? so anyway I picked some of those up and that's good good

I will eat them at some point and what have we got coming up on the show Paul well let's just kick right straight into it let's kick right off cheap cheap cheap cheap

cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap eat yeah you see you remembered yeah

good okay so yep I've got some cheap eats. Good. Otherwise, that jingle would have been a waste of time, wouldn't it? They are cheap, genuinely cheap. Yeah.

I was gifted one of these, so that can't get cheaper than that. You can't. What a great segment. And another item, also gifted, but I can see the price tag on it. It was bought in Japan by my friend Virgil Howe. Interesting. I think we'll start with the... Because he and his band Little Barry went to Japan.

They did. Thank you, Virgil. I know you're a long-time listener, first-time listener. He never listens. He does listen. He's a fan of the show. He doesn't. Doesn't he?

No. How do you know that? He used to, he doesn't anymore. He's too busy. Why? He's got fan of the show. He doesn't. Doesn't he? No. How do you know that? He used to, doesn't he? He's too busy. Why? He's got a busy life. He's too fucking busy to listen to an hour podcast. Look, I also...

Chilling out in the evening, driving somewhere, listening on the train. That's what podcasts are for. So the voices in your head don't talk to you. So someone else's thoughts talk to you. Podcasts are there to fill out the noise in your head, the painful shouting. I've got the cheap eats here, Paul. This is lovely stuff.

Let's see what we've got first. What have we got first? Well, Honourable Mention gets these things that we're not going to eat, which is a trio pack of vacuum-sealed squids. Oh, God, yeah. You showed me, I'm going to take a picture

of these obviously later for the website. They're like little mini krakens. They are like, well they are little mini squibs. Squids.

They're squids. Now I would have eaten these on a previous trip to Japan. Yeah. Brought these back to me. But if you look at the best before,

it's going off two years ago in 2015. Keep it out because I've got my little Google Translate app on this. And if I scan the front of it, it will read what it says on the front. So let me from Japanese, English to Japanese. Let me swap it around. Japanese to English.

Okay. Align text with the thing. Well, it says. Wow. It actually comes up with the words in the picture. Yeah. That is crazy future in the picture. Yeah. That is crazy future shit, man. Yeah.

That's like they live or something. Okay, it says here, and this is just the translation it says, so obviously something's lost. It says, the item is called Howboy. Howboy. A gem morsel of Tokai local. And underneath it says, cheese is in the squid to be... Oh my God, this is cheese-stuffed squid.

Yeah, I think that's what it is. You can see the cheese has started to ooze out around the top of the tentacles there. Oh, mate. I'm tempted. I mean, it can't go off. Can I just say this, Roy? As much as you're tempted, and I appreciate that,

A, don't open the squid in your house. Yeah, it'll stink and it'll make me vom. I'm just being honest. So I just thought I'd mention that. Good, because I... Maybe we'll say that for a live show. Because I'd like to see you honk your belly guts up on stage at MCM some point. Listen, mate, if anyone's in danger of honking anything, it's you.

You gag at... If someone mentions the word ketchup, gag. Right. Now, moving on, I think you'll. Right. Now, moving on. I think you'll like these. Yeah, go on. We've got one each. Oh, no.

We've got three of these. Three? These are Indian boiled sweets. Oh. Kacha. Kacha. Mango bite. Are they all the same flavour?

They're all mango. All right, good. They're all mango bite. I like these. I've tried one, I have to say, before. Are they a boiled sweet? Yes, a hard-boiled sweet. Ooh.

Which makes you think, why is it called a bite? Is it sour? Has it got a bit of a sour flavour? It's got a pleasing flavour. Ooh. Give it a go. Let's give it a go. Where's the other one?

They're manufactured by a company called Pald. Pald. You've got three of these. Good. Save one so I can take a picture. Right. Let's do this. Ooh. Carl. You've got three of these. Good. Save one so I can take a picture. Right. Let's do this. Oh.

So what are you seeing there? They're green. Emerald green. Oh, there's a little green, emerald green lozenge shape. Lozenge shape. Classic lozenge shape. Smooth.

At first, they've got that real boiled, that typical boiled sweet taste, don't they? That kind of sugar They taste a bit I like it Like grassy, there's got that flavour of grass to it

It's mangowy What do you think? I like it It's a bit unusual And that's one of your hairs that I just pulled out of my mouth It's not one of my hairs. It is one of your hairs.

Look, my hair's all gone. Yeah, in your bag. Covered in sweets. I'm giving it a crunch. Give it a crunch. I like that. Nice. It really comes out.

It's a fresh flavour as well. Slightly exhausted. That's catch a manga bite. Eight out of ten for me, that. Yeah, I'd give it an eight as well. Slightly exhausted. That's Kachamangabite. Eight out of ten for me, that. Yeah, I'd give it an eight as well. Very nice. All right, sweet. Lovely stuff.

I could eat a lot of those. I could eat a lot of those. Nice. Very nice. And where was that bought again, sorry? India. Oh, oh. So, we've got an international show.

It is very international. People keep asking us if we've got a PO box, by the way, so they can send food. We're working on it. That's the plan because they're quite expensive. Are they? What, like 50 quid a month? I don't know,

but they are expensive and obviously I pay for everything on this show. Couldn't they just send it to my house? Yeah, but then you have to give your house address out to potential strangers

because you know that episode of Halloween with Skype Mo where you pretended to have a stalker? Do you want a real one? Because that will happen if you give your address out. Okay, maybe not.

I know you're desperate for attention. Now here is the item. This is the main bit of the cheap eats today. Describe what you see here, Paul. A baguette with three dicks in. I don't know. Can I do the translate-y thing on the top of it?

Yes, let's do it. So these are sausage-shaped, three items. Sausage-shaped. Oh, dear. And you've got the price in yen, 204 yen this cost, which apparently is only about two or three quid or something. Yeah. What's the translation say? I don't know.

I don't think... I don't know if it recognises it. Is it definitely Japanese? Yeah. I don't know. I don't think... I don't know if it recognises it. Is it definitely Japanese? Yeah. I don't know. It's programming it. It's struggling, isn't it? Maybe I should get closer. Maybe there's too much going on.

Oh, it's freaky. It's like watching the world glitch. It doesn't... I don't think it likes the font. I don't know if it's the font. I honestly think it might be Chinese. It might't, I don't think it likes the font. I don't know if it's the font. I honestly think it might be Chinese. It might not be Japanese. It was bought in Japan. Oh. 7-Eleven brand.

It's got that little 7-Eleven. That is the 7-Eleven logo up there. Yeah, it is. Also, down here you've got some kind of instruction about how to open it, which looks really like a hand jacking a big knob. It does, doesn't it? Oh, God, it is.

It's like, yay. Now, this is a surprise. Why? Because it is one of two things, and I'd like you to make a guess. It's either some kind of meat pate in a sausage form. Oh, my God. Yeah. Stop.

Don't even translate. Oh, no. Why? All right. Translate it. Or it's some kind of strawberry. Strawberry? Strawberry stuff.

Like strawberry yoplait or something. Mate. It won't translate it, will it? It's refusing to. Am I all right to eat this? What do's refusing to. Am I alright to eat this? What do you mean, are you alright to eat this? Does it look like pork, but actually it's got fish in it? I don't think it's got fish in it.

You only have to eat a little bit, Paul. We're both going to try it. I'm going to tuck into this. Can I show Amelia it first and ask her to tell her what it says? You're such a wuss. I am a wuss because I don't like mysterious meats in my mouth. Bear with me. Mate, that's what the whole point of this section is,

is that we're meant to bloody eat cheap eats. Yeah, but not mysterious meats. Like, bear with me two seconds. I'm not happy about this. Come on, mate. Yeah, so Paul's gone to check the meat he's a wuss he has no kutzpa

drive and he has to double check he's safe every single moment never living never living never truly living never truly experiencing the zest of risk the rindy zest of risk i've uh

started rambling here and uh i think we should just try it that's what cheap eats is about but he's a what's the second opinion on my sausage. So he's back and he has news. I don't think it's good. I think he translated it. What's the news on the sausages? Fish sausage. Really? It's a fish sausage.

Wow. You fucking idiot. I could have had a massive allergic reaction to that and died. Oh, I... That was very remiss of me. So... It's fish sausage. It's fish sausage.

Well, no one knew that. Would that go in a noodle? Would it go in a noodle? It probably would. So that sausage is fine. But the sausage I want to put in the noodle is not good enough for you. Tell me the rules on sausage and noodles, Eli, because I need to know now. Because I think everything you're telling me is a lie.

No, listen, mate. What? Would you actually want like a pot noodle with a sausage in it yes why because it'd be nice little discs of sausage

in a pot noodle lovely well it's funny you say that because you know pepperoni had yes their own brand of noodles and it was lovely

and it had little bits of sausage in it I liked it okay maybe I'm going to soften on my stance on sausage on noodles good

so now you aren't going to eat any of my fish sausage. But I think we owe it to ourselves and the listenership to actually go through with this, cheapies. Well, you have to because I can't. You can't. You're allergic to fish. Right. Now, my flatmate looked at these today.

He's like, am I meant to eat these or put them up my bum? Your flatmate's weird. Yeah, it's like, what? Does he look at everything? He looks at your, I don't know, your shoes. I don't know what I'm meant to do with this. Put it up my bum? Yeah. Am I meant to wear those shoes or put them up my bum? Anyway, so I'm going to tuck in.

Don't worry. They're not going to be that smelly. Love. They're still in date. I'm glad that's in date. Now, what does that actually... That looks like a cigar tin. It's such a tight tube of fish meat. It's very pink as well.

It is literally penis coloured. I mean, anyway. So, what are you meant to do though? It's full of calcium, Amelia said. How do you

eat it? You must have to peel it. Okay, I'm just going to peel it and have a taste.

Oh my God. This is so nasty. Here we go. Just cover for me.

So I take a little knife and you can have a little knife. Can we do this in the kitchen?

Yeah. Alright. We're just going to cut this in the kitchen and be right back.

Oh, it looks like a willy. Oh, it looks like a willy. When you pulled it out of the packaging, it looked like you just pulled it out of your flies. It had that same wobble that a penis has when you pull it out of something. Speak for yourself. Mine's always rock hard.

It's not. Constantly. At most, your penis is plump. Now, the smell is quite off-putting I'm going to smell it it's a very fishy smell it smells like a sausage

and a fish finger yeah it does doesn't it it's like a combo so I'm going to have a little bit of this ladies and gentlemen I'll hold your sausage where you cut

I'll hold the end and I'm going to slice the top off I'm going to just take the back tip. It's got a very spongy consistency. Mate, there's no pattern to the middle of that. It is just processed. It's pure processed. It really does smell unpleasant and I'm going to try it.

It's not good. Mate, describe it. Oh, God. It's not good. Mate, describe it. It's very bland, not much flavour, but then a kind of creeping urine-y sort of afterburn. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's terrible.

Oh. That is terrible. I was expecting better, honestly. I don't know how. It is. It is like a weird combination of a hot dog with a fishy afterburner. You know what I mean? Don't stop. So I'm going to have one more small.

Thanks, Virgil, for this. That is genuinely unpleasant one of the least pleasant things I've ever put in your mouth on this show yeah wow

that's saying something don't start changing your mind now you've had a few bites it's getting better oh you're your taste buds evolve to survive

don't they basically you know what it does your taste buds evolve to survive it's like this is not good enough have another, this is not good enough. Have another bite.

This is not good enough. Have another bite. This is getting all right. Have another bite. Now you love this. It's really, really bad. Really bad. That is disgusting.

It's an empty vessel containing fish. That is vile. Absolutely vile. I'm glad you didn't open the squid with cheese in it. Cheese stuffed squid. Now that would probably be nice if it was in date. I don't know. So, fish sausage.

It's going to be a low score, right? It gets a three for me, yeah. I don't see the point in it. I mean, perhaps if you heat it up. I hope you're not supposed to heat it up. Can you dice it and put it in a soup or something? You could do that, yeah. A noodle base?

Yeah. Or an omelette or something. Definitely. But not to my taste. Not to my taste. Not to my taste at all, Paul. No. I mean, I'm a fish lover. Yeah, you are.

I'm saying no more on that subject. No, it's fine. He's a fishy lover. I like seafood. I like all manner of... He likes all seafood and all manner of crustacean. Yes, thank you. He'd like no other.

He's a fishy lover. Because when he eats a million on his knees. He's the type of guy who eats that. Fish out of his hat. You better believe it. You'll never heave it. I might heave this. Anyway, we're releasing that as a song for Christmas.

Heavey lover. Fishy lover. That is fish sausage. And that was bad. it. We might heave this. Anyway, we're releasing that as a song for Christmas. Heavey lover. Fishy lover. That is fish sausage and that was bad. Yeah. Three out of ten. Very bad. Thanks for that, Virgil. Yeah, thanks for offering one thing out of date and the other thing that could A, kill me

and B, make his stomach turn. That's quite an achievement, Virgil. So, in our sort of truncated edition of Cheap Eats today, what was your favourite item, the only one you tasted? The only one I tasted was my favourite, the Little Boiled Sweet. Very nice flavour, nice and mangoey, also with a nice little boiled sweet crunchy aftertaste to it. It was good.

I actually think they're nice. Yeah. Very nice. Refreshing boiled sweet taste. It was good. I actually think they're nice. Yeah. Very nice. Refreshing, boiled sweet taste. It's not the kind of flavour you expect or you're used to in this country, is it? So that was nice. Then we had the cheese stuffed squids, which no one will ever eat. No.

Which look faintly horrific. Although when you get very drunk and stoned in your flat one day and you see it there, you go, oh, I'll have a nibble. Sorry, drunk and what? Stoned. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. I do neither of those things, thank you.

It is mescaline and gin. Just mescaline and intravenous vodka. So what would you potentially rate those if you had to guess? I think they would probably be a seven or something. How would you eat that? You just munch it oh seafood's the fucking worst

so then we we had the mango sweets we both agreed were very nice yeah the squids that they were and ate because they're

two years out of date and then one of the worst items in terms of just plain strange unpleasantness in every aspect the the texture

the the appearance food shouldn't wobble like that it shouldn't taste like like a fish's In every aspect. The texture, the appearance. Food shouldn't wobble like that. It shouldn't taste like a fish's wet dream. It tastes like the afterthought of a fish hold. It smells like Captain Birdseye's dick. Yeah.

Yeah. That's good. Well done. It probably tastes like Captain Birdseye's dick as well. Well, slightly fishy yeah gelatinous yeah wet in the mouth

oh fuck it spongy gooey straight from the captain's table a hard hair no one ever questioned him so Captain

he wasn't a real person yeah but he owned a ship and he had all those kids on it how did that come about he didn't he wasn't a real person why isn't there like an Operation U tree

for food mascots? Because they're not real. And therefore... So that doesn't mean you're not accountable for crime. If you're an imaginary fictional character, you can get away with anything. Can you? Yeah. Well, that's what I want to be. Well, you can't be imaginary because you're real.

No, I'm not, Eli. I am not. So what? You're Paul Gannon, child rapist. That's not much of a fucking mascot. Biscuit mascot and child rapist. I am a mascot for Nutella, and my character is Ploppy Bob. Ploppy Bob. Ploppy Bob.

What happens is, a big jar of Nutella gets wheeled out into a school hall. Wheeled out? Yeah, a big jar. That is a big jar. It's wheeled out in front of all these school children. And you're in it let me guess

shhh don't spoil it so floppy bob floppy bob these kids age 14 to 16

they're about to go to it's a thing so they get the Nutella brand in big jar comes in the lights go dim and then Black Velvet by Ilana Miles

kicks in do do do do do do do do stripper's favourite. Yeah. And then I come out, covered in Nutella. I go, it's ploppy ball.

And then? And they've actually... The kids start cheering. And then I inform them about the healthy benefits of Nutella. Have you seen? There was something, a post was like... With an erection. Oh, thank you.

That was, look what's in Nutella. Yeah. And they sort of had the constituent parts like sugar and cocoa and they were like, it's disgusting, isn't it? It's like, no, no, that's what's in it, obviously.

Have you seen what's in a chicken McNugget? You know what I mean? They split that up. Teeth, bones, a coin. Chicken bum. Yeah.

Is that cheap eats done? Yes. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Huge. I'm not sold on that yet. So we're going to do something a little bit different today on the cheap heat section.

Yeah, what's that? Well, we're going to do some fun stuff. Are you okay? No. Wow. I'm trying to keep the energy up and now I'm just turning to Ken Dodd. He got knighted. Did he?

Also, while we're on the subject of non-secretaries. Yeah. Also, while we're on the subject of non-sequiturs, did you hear about the guy in Japan crushed to death by his video porn collection? Recently. Bless him. And I was thinking of a funny pun for that. Harry Wanky? Wow.

Like Harry Caray? A. It sounds offensive when you say it. Two, when you explain the context, it becomes offensive. Three, it's just offensive. Camerawanky. And then you have to... No. Okay.

Fine. So why do you think it's funny to make gags based on this? I don't think it's funny. You thought it was. I was just trying to think of content. You're saying Eli. You're saying Eli. Pull your finger out.

And this is what you do. Try and think of content. And're saying Eli. You're saying Eli. Pull your finger out. And this is what you do. Try and think of content. And this is it. I come up with vaguely offensive stuff based on a news story I heard someone talk about. Well, come up with properly offensive stuff like I do.

And maybe you'll make it in this industry. I'm looking forward to these biscuits, Paul. Well, don't ruin it yet. Oh, sorry. Right, the plan is is that in the past on Cheap Show

we've always gone for cheap knock-off brands. However, what we've never really done properly is do a compare and contrast. We did it in... That time I did the crisps. No, well...

I was the crisp. Oh, in the Liverpool special. Yeah. And in the crisp mayo episode as well, we did ketchup and brown sauce. So I'd like to do a few more of those because sometimes... Taste test. Yeah, because sometimes you look at brand, you think, oh, I don't know if I like that because...

It might not taste as good as Heinz. And so you don't buy it. For example. For example. Yes. One of many examples. And so it might be taste as good as Heinz. For example. For example. Yes. One of many examples. And so it might be that you're spending more because you refuse to settle for an off-brand

which could taste just as good or maybe better. Or better. Or better. Or better. So we're taking two examples of this and we're going to see if Eli can first of all judge which one he thinks is the personal favourite and then once he has declared that,

he then has to say if it's the real brand. So I'm trying to identify from two biscuits, firstly, which one I like better. Yes. And which one I believe to be the brand name and not the knock-off.

Okay. Now, would you like some glass of water to clear your palate? Yes, please. I'm feeling pretty confident about this. This is going to be scientifically done. This is double blind. So I'm going to be blindfolded

and you're going to be blindfolded when we do this. Yeah, and what else is going to happen? Then I'm going to be scientifically done. This is double blind. So I'm going to be blindfolded, and you're going to be blindfolded when we do this. Yeah, and what else is going to happen? Then I'm going to touch your... Haircut! Yeah. Nice. So I've got my glass of water, my palate cleanser. Right, you've got your palate cleanser.

So where would you want to start? Because we have two rounds ahead of us. Round one. We've got digestives and... Oh, right, sorry. We're doing biscuits, basically. Jaffa cakes? They're not biscuits.

I'm glad you caught that. Yes. Well done. Thank you. I'm quite astute. Ow! Good. And then we're going to do biscuits.

Chocolate digestive biscuits. Possibly the king of biscuits. Well, some people might say that. The archduke. If you know anything about biscuits or my top three biscuits, you'll know the king biscuit is... Rich tea. The plainest biscuit. Plain chocolate rich tea.

Plain chocolate rich tea biscuit. Yes, dark chocolate rich tea. Interesting. It's not interesting, Paul. You knew that. Because you're sad. You went for a plain biscuit with a taste of chocolate on it taste of dark chocolate

you are a wanker oh yeah am I am I am I just give me a biscuit describe how I do it how am I a wanker

right so what do you want to start with do you want to start with Jaffa Cakes or yeah let's start with Jaffa Cakes alright just don't let me see I'm going to cover my eyes

let's talk about this properly Jaffa Cake even though sold in the biscuit aisle is a cake a famous it's a snack cake a famous court case

came to be and they built a giant Jaffa Cake do you know how big that Jaffa Cake was no it's 10 metres wide that's a big Jaffa Cake

it had a Jaffa bit yeah that you could swim in no not swim inaffa bit yeah that you could swim in no not swim in it was huge I think you could swim in a Jaffa cake

it needed a crane specially built and they had to take the roof they had to take the roof off no it didn't it was the biggest Jaffa cake or indeed cake of any sort

ever made ever so look you're going to have to get the Jaffas out and then I'm getting my Jaffas out right and then

and then I'll make sure. You make sure that I don't know which is which. Now, what I will say is the brand Jaffa Cake is by McVitie's. McVitie's. We are basically doing a McVitie's versus, funnily enough, Co-op today. Co-op in the UK, brand of supermarkets. You'd think cheaper Co-op. Not these days.

Co-op's quite expensive. It's very pricey yeah so we're doing co-op jaffa cakes versus mcvitty jaffa cakes now but they still are cheaper than the the mcvitties yeah this is on sale this jaffa cakes box for a quid usually they're about 1 pound 30 140 and this uh 24 jaffa cakes i will say this for the co-op ones they were 1 pound 30 but you are you are getting double what you would get. So, cheaper still, I guess. Opening up bag one.

That's that. Opening up bag two. Right. Now, on first glance, both of these biscuits look identical. Just stop calling them biscuits, please. Each of these kefir cakes look identical. Right. So there's no way I could really sort of look and distinguish them, you think?

Not really. Just by looking, not really, no. Okay. So. I'm ready. Are you ready? Now, I'm not going to tell you which one I'm ready are you ready now I'm not going to tell you

which one I'm going to give to you first okay so I'm going to go with this one first the one in your hand

he's placed the Jaffa in my hand and I'm going to put it in your mouth and I'm going. Put it in your mouth. God, what's become of me? I'm going to taste the Jaffa now. I'm just going to have a nibble without the Jaffa.

It's having the biscuit and the chocolate hardening. The cakey bit. And a bit of the chocolate on top what are you sensing so far? how are you feeling? it's very sweet there's an orange flavour already in the chocolate so it's not distinct

and the cake sort of bready cake bit has a slight staleness but don't they always have that slight staleness too that slightly you expect to be softer than it is quality? Yeah. Or Jaffa cake. It is a slight dry staleness to that.

Okay. Now I'm into the Jaffa, the jammy Jaffa centre. Yeah. Not made of apricot. Apparently not. I was wrong on that. And you see, something about that is it's not cohering in the way that... Oh, are you going to use the word?

I'm not going to use I don't know why not it's a perfect time to it doesn't seem to have much amplitude oh god oh yeah give me the other

give me the other Jaffa Cake so on first impressions I would I think it's hard to say without judging

the second biscuit but cake but we're all doing it but I would say that was the co-op one, just from that. And here is now the second Jaffa cake.

Do you want to clean your mouth with some water? No, it's over there. You can open your eyes to fucking eat what the water is. I'm doing this properly, Paul. I'm naked right now, and you don't even know. I'm going to stick my fish sausage right in your eye. Oh my God.

Come on, that's a wank joke. That's not a wank joke. Right, there it is. Yeah, you put it down. I'm going to taste the second Jaffa. Yeah. Bites in. I'm tasting the cake.

Less stale. Almost a coconut-y finish. Oh, interesting. You're bitten into the Jaffa now as well and taking the whole bite I prefer this one has it got better

amplitude does it all come together a lot more as you'd expect it it's cohering more yeah and again it's the cake

is actually nicer yeah the texture and also doesn't have that staleness so so number one I think

was the co-op one. And number two is obviously McFitty's. And I'd say I prefer the second. So you're sticking with the Jaffa Cake brand? Yes.

Well, you are absolutely correct on both. The first one was the Co-op, yes, indeed. I'm good at this, aren't I?

The second one was the Jaffa Cake. I'm going to try one because the thing is I'm very sniffy about off-brand stuff. It definitely has a sort of staleness. I was going to give you this one, but look'm very sniffy about off-brand stuff. It definitely has a sort of staleness.

I was going to give you this one, but look, see how the oranges come right through the chocolate. It looks like a sloppier job all round. Like they're using less chocolate to the point of pointlessness. Honestly, it's the cake bit that really gives it away. Let me try. I'm going to try the fake one now. Do you see what I mean? It's not awful.

No, it's not awful, but there is a slight staleness at the end, isn't there? There's a slight... Dry staleness to the cake. A clumpiness. Yeah. To it. Yeah. Now I'm going to try the real Jaffa cake for comparison.

Try the real Jaffa cake. It is much better. What do you think? It's softer. Yeah. The texture immediately... The flavours aren't as strong. Yeah. It doesn't aggressively sweeten your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. The texture immediately. The flavours aren't as strong. It doesn't aggressively sweeten your mouth.

Yeah, yeah. The knockoff one is completely fine, though. They're fine. If you put them out at a party, you didn't tell anyone. No one would notice. No one would notice, I don't think. It was only because I was really concentrating hard on that. But still, interesting to know that actually there,

the brand is worth paying more for. I think that's our conclusion. Yeah, it is. It is. But here's the thing. If you're on a budget, you are getting twice the amount in a box. And the flavour is not so familiar you wouldn't be put off eating them. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I know. It's a small difference. So, in terms of a cheap recommendation, I think you would have to go with the Jaffa Cakes. You love them, don't you? I don't love them, but as I say, if I had... If I was on a budget, and I couldn't afford the dizzy heights of a McFitty's box... Of Jaffas.

Then I would go and pay for 24 Co-op Jaffa Cakes. You would. Well, I've found this experience quite eye-opening, and I will not be dilly-dallying with any knock-off Jaffas ever again. So you're going to be... I don't like the stale taste of your so-called cake base. opening and I will not be dilly-dallying with any knock-off draffers ever again. So you're going to be completely McVitie's. I don't like the stale taste of your so-called cake base, Mr. Co-op. Mr. Co-op, you have been sent

to Eli's school and he has determined detention upon you. Right, the next one might be a bit tougher. This is chocolate digestive. The McVitie's digestive milk chocolate. And what are we comparing this to? That's really good biscuit.

Yes. It might not be in your top three. I'm not saying you need to build it in your top three. I'm saying you have to agree that it's a solid, it's a great dunker in a cup of tea, in a cup of coffee. Absolute classic dunker. It's a versatile biscuit. It can be eaten alone, with tea. It's not that versatile.

You could crumble it up and make it into a cake. Would you put a pickled cucumber on it and eat that you would I wouldn't no I wouldn't because you're a fucking animal you're a fucking feral animal

fucking what as a feral animal scuttling around in your house of pickles like your collier's pod beast

listen feral animals don't make weird food combos it'd be like one day I'll go to your flat and go Eli where are you

I'm in here and I'll open the door and there'll be records everywhere and I'll see two beady eyes peering out of a corner and it'll be you and your little

dirty hovel right okay I don't know why this happened but yeah how did we get onto anyway the biscuits

well how did we get onto Eli being a tramp yeah how did we do that Paul I don't know how did we get onto that might have steered into Well, how did we get onto Eli being a tramp? Yeah. How did we do that, Paul? I don't know. How did we get onto that? Might have steered into it. Is it years of meanness?

Years of a mean attitude? Maybe. Yeah. So, let's fucking do the taste test, which I will don. Just like I did the crisps. Just like I did before. Just like I do every time. So, I'm quite impressed with my taste discernment.

I hope I get this one. You could be a super taster. What a great job that would be. Super taster. You I get this one. You could be a super taster. What a great job that would be. Super taster. Your job is to kind of be a super taster. You have to taste different foods. It would be a great job. Wouldn't that be a great job?

You say, that's got a hint of cinnamon. Yes. And that one needs a soups on more rosemary. Yes. Be a great job for you. For noodles. A noodle super taster. I could taste noodles for a living.

I could taste noodles all day long. Wouldn't that be a great job for you? It would be, yes. In your room, in your dirty hovel, as they just bring in tray after tray of noodles. And you're like, breaking the noodles. Am I fat now?

Yeah, I am actually. And you haven't got out of your bed in two years. And they just bring tray and tray in it and you're crying what you're still eating. You go, I'm a super taster. Super noodles. Super noodle taster. Maybe they could...

If you're listening, super noodles. Or pot noodle, if you're listening. Or in fact, anyone. Nissen. Tom Fun. What's his name? What's his name? Is that a noodle company?

Tom Fun. No, that's not... As I told you but you don't absorb any kind of info do you you're blind you're noodle blind

I am it was Tom Young Yum is a dish it's a Thai dish it's a soup Tom Yum

and you like Tom Yum Mama is the name of the okay Mama's Tom Yum Mama's creamy shrimp Tom Yum it's up there I was having a conversation Shrimp Tom Yum. It's up there.

I was having a conversation with my friend Mark Allen. Is it up there with him? It's basically one of the top noodles. Good. Although he would only... He would have the non-creamy one. That's because he's a very plain man. No, it's because he actually pimps.

He's such a hard noodle pimper. Is he? He has to get some respect here. He actually grates coconut. Wow.

Not grates. He gets sort of like that solid coconut milk that you can get and sort of, no, he just grates it on.

So it's like powdered onto the noodle. He can pimp a noodle right up. Well, maybe one day we'll pit you against each other. Now,

I shall own the digestive challenge. Anyway, let's move on to the biscuits. So, we've got the Tease Digestive Milk Chocolate Biscuit, a classic, a great biscuit, right? A great British biscuit. Oh, right. And we are up against the Co-op Milk Chocolate Digestive Biscuit of the same style. Now, it's

a facsimile biscuit. And again, like the Jaffa Cakes, to the naked eye, you wouldn't know the difference, really. No. So, I's a facsimile biscuit. And again, like the Jeff Cakes, to the naked eye, you wouldn't know the difference, really. No. So, I'm going to open these up,

pull them out, slide them to you, you will taste, so clean your palate now. Right. I have two biscuits in front of me,

one of which I know to be the McFitties and one of which I know to be the Co-op. Right. So, where do I go first? What shall I offer?

Okay. I'm holding my hand out. Okay, here is biscuit number one for you now. I'm going to give it a sniff. I think you should. Sniff my biscuit. And you've got the

oaty, oaty, sort of burnt oaty sort of Yeah, the oats, the biscuit. flavour coming through on the nose.

And... Alright, what was that about? Just affecting a sort of okay you're being potentially treating this like a wine connoisseur would yes and there's it has a nice bouquet

it's not much chocolate smell now I'm going to bite in okay yeah how are you feeling it's pretty tasty it has to be said it's a good tasty

chocolate biscuit. Did you know biscuit means twice cooked? Yeah. It's a French word? Yeah. Biqui. Biqui. Yeah.

So you are learning something on this podcast. Yes, thank you. Even though we fight against it with every breath of our bodies. So I mentioned that it comes from twice cooked because this biscuit to me tastes almost burnt. It's almost like it's been over baked. Interesting. And the texture of the actual biscuit part, again the chocolate's hard to tell. It's just very sweet. Yeah.

And the texture of the biscuit, not 100%, but it seems kind of not granular enough. Okay. It doesn't have any kind of... It seems a bit too hard-packed? No, like floury. Oh, okay. Like it just turns to flour. It hasn't got any sort of little hard bits.

Okay. For want of a better word. You know, like a nib knob. What are they called? Hobnob. Hobnob. Hobnob. Go on. Anyway, I get what you mean. It hasn't got? Hob knob. Hob knob. Nib knob. Go on.

Anyway, I get what you mean. It hasn't got that. Hob knob has a lot of texture. Yeah, it hasn't got that crumbly style. And I think of digestives as having a bit of that. Bit of crumble. A bit of granularity in the biscuit. All right.

And that hasn't got it. So it's just the other biscuit. But in terms of flavour, it's all right. It's all good, right? Yeah. It's pleasant. Yeah. I would have, again, I would have liked more cocoa coming through than the chocolate. All I'm getting...

Stop. I was just testing if your eyes were closed by pressing your nose. They are. I thought it might go, ha ha, as well. I was a bit disappointed by the fact that... It is tasty, and I'm not 100% sure, but my first, again, my first instinct is that would be the knockoff.

But let's see. Okay, that's right. Here is biscuit number two then for you now. In it goes into your hand. Have you cleaned your palate? I need to clean the palate. So clean your palate. Oh, God almighty.

Slurpy McDirty. Now that's a good name. Yeah, go on. Slurpy McDirty. So, let's give it a very different smell. Oh. Very different smell. I'm getting no oat.

I'm just getting a kind of sour. Sour? Sour chocolatey smell. Oh. It's almost like the chocolate is masking the biscuit. No. See, I'm sniffing its underside now. See, you sniffer biscuits. The weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

And I'm really getting none of that. So I'm a bit torn now already because I thought that first one, but that first one did have a lot of flavour on the nose compared to this. So I'm going to go in. How is it? It just has a lot less flavour. A lot less flavour? The chocolate is definitely richer. Okay. I'm getting a creaminess from the chocolate. Yeah. The chocolate's maybe covering the sins of the biscuit. Is that what you're saying? And you know what I said

about the granularity? Yeah. That this has that. Okay. And it doesn't have that burnt... It's less oaty, though, which is like, that's what's snagging me. Much more chocolatey. Much more chocolatey. I'm going to say... Oh.

It's hard to say which one I prefer. I think I prefer... Is this tougher than the Jaffa Cakes one? Definitely. Yeah. Because there was a real giveaway for Jaffa Cakes in the staleness, basically. I think you're right there, yeah.

Whereas this one, much of a muchness. But the chocolate is what is really pushing me to believe that the second one, again, is the real McVitie, because it's that... The chocolate has a higher quality. Interesting. So I'm going to say that, again,

the same order, that the first one was the knock-off and the second one was the Mephisto. Eli Silverman, your final answer. Then you are very wise to your spot on once again with that assessment. Out of interest, which one do you prefer? First or second biscuit? I kind of prefer the first one a bit on this. I mean, I'm definitely much closer in terms of preference,

but it is that, it's that burntness, it's overdone and the chocolate is, is much weaker. Okay, but you somehow prefer it. I don't know. Because you know,

it's quite biscuity. Well, this is the thing, it's like the Pepsi challenge, isn't it? Where they tasted Coke and Pepsi in that little taste test where you'd knock them back and everyone was like,

oh, Pepsi, it tastes better. Always won. Always. But there's a reason why it won Pepsi, it tastes better. Always won. Always. But there's a reason why it won. Because it was much sweeter. Yeah. Whereas they were noticing when people were buying it,

people weren't finishing Pepsi but they were drinking the whole bottle of Coke because it didn't have that sickliness of Pepsi. Yeah. So when it first hit your palate, you go, oh, yeah.

It's really sweet. But then you couldn't drink a whole bottle of it because it's too sickly. So Coke always still won because overall people preferred the flavour. So there you go.

So the same for biscuits. One is richer maybe but it doesn't necessarily mean it's better. I like the co-op digestives. Have you tried these? Yeah. And I actually, I mean I like them both but I do prefer... Are you going to try and say that it's worth getting the co-op now as well? Again. What I'm saying is

for a pack of chocolate digestives McVitie's £1.20 right how much were the current ones 79p for the exact same

amount of biscuits but you're getting so much more luxury with the chocolate but are you though yeah is that 50p worth it

it would be for me you would spend the extra 50p just to make the brand mate you're going to spend what? I hope, you know. Mate, you are, and if you don't mind me saying this, full of shit.

You are. What? I'm full of shit? I got it right. I got it totally right. You're a snob. You're a food snob. It's like you can't admit that the carrot biscuits are better for people on a budget.

Paul, I can't help you. And you're saying people should make sophisticated palates. You do not have a sophisticated anything. I fucking do. You fucking don't. I have totally aced every single taste test we've ever done. Biscuits. I discern biscuits.

Do you think you could? I discern crisps. What about lobsters? Even when you tried to fool me. Even when you tried to fool me by putting me the same crisp twice. I did try and fool you. Did I not know? No.

Did I not know immediately? No, you did. Yes, I did know. Because you are Did I not know? No. Did I not know? No, you did. Yes, I did know. Because you are a talented super taster. Yeah. You should be so happy with your little life. I think we should do this more. It's good for my ego.

Is it me giving you biscuits and you saying, yeah, that's the brand name? No, I actually found that extremely enjoyable. Yeah? Yeah. Thinking about flavour, I enjoy it. Good. Yeah. Well, this is, we've learned that right.

Yeah, you did. Mate, there's, so, in conclusion, no matter what poor Mr. Thrifty might Good. Yeah. Well, this is... I got that right. Totally right. Yeah, you did. Mate, there's... So, in conclusion, no matter what Paul Mr. Thrifty might say, there's a discernible difference in quality between McVitie's and knock-off supermarket brands. Yeah. But my argument is still,

if you're on a budget and times are tight... Paul, if you're on a budget... Here's something. Here's something, Paul. If you're on a budget, don't fucking buy biscuits. There's a budget, here's something. Here's something, Paul. If you want a budget, don't fucking buy biscuits. There's a little life hack for you. If you're poor, you don't use the nice things in life.

So you can't have biscuits. Who needs biscuits, anyway? You do. I don't like them. I haven't even finished those. Yeah, but they're a taste test. I'm not a biscuit guy. I don't like sweet things.

So why should you be proud of the fact that you got all this right, then, if you're so hoity-toity? Because it just proves my talent. You don't. Because even stuff I don't like. This segment is petering out. Oh, it certainly is. I've discovered that it's petering out. Congratulations, well done.

Okay, thank you. So basically, you can notice, to sum up, if you don't mind me saying so, you can notice the quality and you'll prefer the name brands, but on a budget, the knockoff ones are all right. Yes, and no, actually you're right, because the co-op's own brand uh digestive i actually kind of prefer right more good flavor so yes that's it we're done now welcome to a brand new section i've got for the cheap show, and I hope you like it. It's for ladies. It's magazines.

It's the cheap magazines you get in the co-op. Only in the co-op? Well, you can get them in most supermarkets, but I thought what we'd do is do a little segment work, because you know these magazines are dirt cheap. This one here is 68p. Pretty cheap for a bag. That one's 76p. So I thought what we'd do is, well, what I thought I'd do is, is I'd go to one of these,

pick up one of these magazines, and say, for the money, what are you getting in there? Is it value? Is it value? It's a cheap show. So this is the first one. It's called Pick Me Up. It's priced at 68p. Is that like a pick me up as in the magazine's asking you to pick it up?

I think it works on many levels. I think it's saying, pick me up. You might like this. Give it a go. And also, it's to pick it up i think it works on many levels right yeah i think it's saying pick me up you might like this and also give it a go it's a pick me up you might or look you're right i'm not saying you're not right but what i'm saying is would this pick you up murdered by his mate stabbed 12 times no how about this pick me up story mummy's gone to heaven oh no sorry you're right this is the pick-me-up story scumbag a knife to my throat when i was pregnant then i lost our baby don't laugh at that well that certainly has g'd me right up yeah so there's a top one here bust up

cause of my boobs now what do you think the market is to these kind of magazines Eli I'd say you know mainly academics and

lecturers lawyers scientists educational elite the educational elite yes not chavvy mums with 8 kids

and they're only 30 oh meows oh class war. If I've upset anyone listening who is a mother of 30 and has eight kids then... A mother of 30

and has eight kids? Sorry. She's 30 years old and she has eight kids. Not 38 kids. You might be Mormon. Anyway, 68p. So I've already gone through this and picked out a few pages I've liked. Okay, this is pick-me-up, is it? Yeah, so, you know, it's all the usual stuff.

There's little pictures of babies of cake on their face. That's nice. So I don't think Mummy Goes to Heaven is the one I wanted to... I don't want to know about Mummy Going to Heaven. No, I don't really want to know that. Why are they bookmarked Mummy Goes to Heaven? Oh, I know. Because basically, here's the three points that told you the whole article without

having to read the whole article. So, the title's called Mummy's Gone to Heaven, and then doting mum of two, epileptic as a child, killed by seizure. That's the story, and you don't have to read it all now. It saved you time. Thank the Lord I don't have to read it. It saved you time. So, let's go through. What else?

There's a nice big word search where you can win a thousand pounds. What does it have like abortion or no tea making vessel four letters I was going to say kettle but that's

I don't know it's not pot either no this has got us we're not going to win a thousand pounds are we by that tea making vessel

yeah tea making vessel yeah it's a mug tea tea making vessel tea making er a mug Tea Tea making vessel Tea making Er

What do you put tea in You make tea in a pot No no Yeah It's a tea making It's a vessel Where you make the tea Is the clue

Well all I've got Is mug Pot That's it That's it I can't think of anywhere else You make tea Well if you know that

Write in to us Two weeks ago Wow My brain is at a low Low I can't think of anywhere else you can make tea. Well, if you know that, write in to us two weeks ago. Wow, my brain is at a low, low end. I can't even think of a tea making vessels. So it might be pots or something. Well, it is then. You know what? Let's not bother with this puzzle anymore. It's probably cups, isn't it?

Probably cups. You just read it out, right? Oh, here's an interesting thing. They have their own bargain section. Shall we have a look in? Shall we have a look in what they suggest? What's the tip of the week down there? isn't it? Polly Cubs. You just read it out, right? Oh, here's an interesting thing. They have their own bargain section. Ooh. Shall we have a look in? Shall we have a look in what they suggest?

What's the tip of the week down there? Oh, mum's top tip. That's offer of the week, saving of the week, bread tips, tip of the week.

Here we go. I'll read that out to you. I keep my cupboards clean by lining them with kitchen roll. When it gets dirty, I throw them away. Christine Underwood, in Woking. Well, that's not too bad, Christine, you know. It's a waste with kitchen roll. When it gets dirty, I throw them away. Christine Underwood in Woking. Well, that's not too bad, Christine.

It's a waste of kitchen roll, though. This one I don't agree with. I think this one's a bit stupid. Worn-out shoes that are way past their walking days make great, quirky garden features you can grow your flowers in. And there's a picture of old shoes with flowers in. Oh, that's just depressing. It is depressing. And frankly, if I walked into someone's garden and there was just a row old shoes with flowers in. Oh, that's just depressing. It is depressing.

And frankly, if I walked into someone's garden and there was just a row of shoes with flowers in, I'd think, serial killer. Serial killer. You always jump to that conclusion, don't you, Paul? I do. I mean, your bedroom looks like a serial killer's bedroom. Just saying.

Oh, here's one that you might need, actually, because you eat a lot of oily foods. All right, all right. Enough with the invective. I've got a murderer's bedroom and I eat oily foods, do I? Anything else? You smell of death. Right, okay.

So to remove cooking oil from cloves, press it with a towel, sprinkle talcum powder over both sides, pressing gently, and leave for a short time. Then you can shake off the powder and the gentle stain will wash off. I read that last bit wrong. Gentle stain? No, and gently wash off i've read that last bit wrong gentle stain no and gently wash off the stain i got it confused the gentle stain the gentle stain that sounds like a a new book by katherine woodward well i knew that already did you yeah hair removal cream doesn't have to be used on your body you can squeeze some down your plug hole and it'll get rid of any bits

of blocked up hair in your drain oh nice i mean i guess that would work yeah it dissolves hair doesn't it yeah but woman just pull out your hair i've done that once because i live with a lady with long hair and i'm sure you'd deal with it because you've got headlong hair i know the clumps of hair you pull out of a sinkhole yum yum yum no no no no, yum, yum, yum. Tasty, crispy hair. Oh, my God. All I'm imagining now is you reaching your head back, your jaw unlocking, and you drop a great big ball of wet plug hole hair

down your mouth slowly as it's all wet and dripping. Yeah. And you just, ugh. And then I... And then I jack off. I love this. I love it I love it jack it

and jack it so there you go some bargains there's some nice tips well I suppose the one with the fridge it's just a bit weird you know you'd go to

that person's fridge and you'd think well why is there kitchen roll all over the place yeah just clean the fridge you know my nan did that though

she put kitchen roll down on the shelving yeah to stop it getting dirty except the trip she didn't replace the kitchen towel so it just became black and dirty over time.

Silly cow. Right. What else? So, hospital tips. Murder at the airport. That sounds shocking. One pee ticket cost me the jackpot. Or won me the jackpot.

Not cost me. Can you read? No. Apparently not. From boobs to bust is the article. Okay. Vicky's new double Ds proved too much for her fella to handle. What?

After pregnancy, my boobs shrank back to normal. Pert and perfect. Everything changed. Natural boobs are better. Maybe if I had some to start with, I scoffed. A size 32A, we'd had countless discussion about getting my dream. A boob job, this is what she says. I felt miserable every time I stared down at my flat chest

and Mark, which I'm sure is the boyfriend, constantly told me how he felt. Oh, blah, blah, fucking blah. What did he tell you? I wish you had bigger tits. Probably. Probably. I can't get a fucking stiffy with this nonsense. A man can't play with his sausage and you've got two fried eggs. Is that what it is? You can't even be bothered to actually... I can't get a fucking stiffy with this nonsense a man can't play with his sausage

and you've got two fried eggs you can't even be bothered to actually I can't be bothered to either because the story goes she had small breasts

she got big breasts and then had a man left her no well yeah probably and then the photo has been torn in half

oh yeah torn asunder that is the universal sign of a torn asunder relationship yes a torn asunder relationship a torn-asunder relationship. Yes. A torn-asunder relationship. A torn-asunder relationship.

Wow, I thought I was tired. So she did boob research and then she found out about boobs, went to the hospital, got surgery, buy-buy A-cups, she paid £6,500 and went under. Fair whack. Underwent a three-hour job op.

Can't read today. Wow. Job op. Anyway, she got big boobs. Yeah. underwent a three hour job op coronary today wow job op anyway she got big boobs yeah come on 32 double D

get to it feeling bolder in the bedroom Mark and I had great sex with me feeling freer than ever before but it was at the shops I really went wild buying low cut dresses

and boob tube jumpsuits and then what Mark got grumpy because she was dressing seductively to celebrate her new figure. He didn't like other men looking at her?

No. Well, he's a fucking... He's a dick, isn't he? If we were ever short of money, Mark would throw the operation in my face. There's a few grand sitting on your chest.

He'd snap. Oh, he does. He sounds like a total douche. You can't put a price on happiness, she'd reply. Fine. She did photo shoots in linger price on happiness, she'd reply. Fine.

She did photo shoots in lingerie. Oh, she's got all sexy model. On Facebook. She did a portfolio on Facebook. So there's a very good chance you or I have come over these pictures. I do not. Excuse me. You do not.

Excuse you. I do not. Jacket. Not to actual people. No. Just animals. Animals. In to actual people. No. Just animals. Animals. Inanimate objects. Brutalist structures. Brutalist

buildings. Speaking of that, I saw one on the way in. You were hard. I saw it. It's quite famous. Yeah. At the King's College campus. Oh yeah. Anyway, she did some pictures. Boobs. All that kind of stuff. that was still going on. He left her.

Now she is a mobile beautician and a part-time model. That's just boring, really boring. Boring, boring, boring, boring. What other stories have we got here? Oh, your dilemma. Should we do your dilemma? I'll read the dilemma and you give me... I'll be the agony aunt.

So what can I read that isn't too depressing? Like, I think I've given a partner a sick illness. You know what I mean? Like STD. Well, yeah. It's all a bit sort of icky. All right, here we go. Confess to loving with my best friend.

From Marie, 44. What's your issue, Marie? So I do a voice at this. Sit down. All right, thank you, Dr. Eli. Oh, God, Marie, you sound so hack. I can only do one voice. So again, this is psychiatrist Eli's room.

I come in. Please have a seat, Marie. Oh, thank you very much, doctor. I've got a story. I'm confessing to loving my best friend. Should I tell you a little bit more about it? Please do. Don't affecting to loving my best friend. Oh. Shall I tell you a little bit more about it? Please do. Don't affect my accent.

It's offensive. I'm not affecting your accent. Good. I'm in love with my best friend. We were together very briefly years ago, but I thought it didn't work out. We became best friends and have been now for over two decades.

Now, five years ago, my husband left me and two years later, my best friend separated from his wife. Right. So we both had a shoulder to cry on. Yeah. So what's the problem? Now, five years ago, my husband left me, and two years later, my best friend separated from his wife. Right. So we both had a shoulder to cry on. Yeah, so what's the problem? Well, I'm getting to it, you impatient fuck. It's only three paragraphs.

Well, frankly, I'm totally bored. It's backstory. I am affecting your accent now. I can't help it. Right, okay. So recently, I realised that those romantic feelings I've buried away for years never really went away, doctor. You are a doctor, right? I'm fully qualified, as you can see, for my multiple coupons.

Right, good. We spend so much time together, but I have no idea whether he feels the same way or not. So, should I tell my friend the truth? What shall I do? Shall I confront him? Yep. That's it.

Tell him. But what if he takes it badly? What's he going to do? Go, I don't want to be your friend anymore? Yeah, and then my life's it. Tell him. But what if he takes it badly? What's he going to do? Go, I don't want to be your friend anymore? Yeah, and then my life's over. Find someone else. Look, I'm old. How old?

I'm in the autumn of my years. You're not. You're 40, Marie. You look great. Everyone says I'm old. And I look older. Who? Your so-called best friend?

My kids. Right, they say you look old. You say, Mum, you look old. Well, don't listen to your kids. I don't. Not now. Just tell him. All right.

Perhaps get a boob job. You can't put a price on happiness. Right. Thank you. Thanks, Marie. There you go. Now, I've got another patient coming in. All right.

Okay, next one. All right. Hello. Sit down. Who are you? My name's Shannon. I'm 52. Oh, my God, you sound just like Marie. It's a different accent, I assure you. It's a bit more Scouse this one. Okay.

Is that all right? Fair enough. I'm concerned about my sister's two teenage sons. For one thing, they're always leaving the house looking like a wreck. They also show no respect and often use obscene language towards her and sticking up middle fingers would you believe and her ex also shows no sign of respect for her and has no interest in disciplining his sons and i just feel like she's given up and but i just can't stand the abuse she gets should i have a word with my nephews hmm that sounds like a made-up letter no it, it's a genuine problem.

Okay. I'm doing the other accent now. I'm getting confused. No, it's a genuine problem. Just, yeah, have a word with the nephews. You're not a very good doctor. I know. I kind of just repeat stuff.

Did it all get real? Just do it. That's it. That's you, isn't it? Just do it. Just do it. Just fucking do it. Yes. Okay, you isn't it just do it just fucking do it yes okay what else

we got in this mail a woman with a wonky smile she was born one day and her face was frozen there you go she was born one day and her face was frozen yeah

well I'm not reading it 300 pound different crossword oh there's lots of crosswords oh here's bonkers traffic laws how bonkers on a scale of 1 to 10

are these laws, all right? Let's see. Let's find out. In San Francisco, it is illegal to wash a vehicle with your old knickers. That's just not true. These are all apparently true. These are made up. On a bonkers level, 1 to 10.

1 being awful and 10 being bonkers. That's 1. All right. Watch out, Moby. In California, you are breaking the law if you shoot an animal from your car. I just want a number. If you shoot an animal

from your car, you're breaking the law? Yeah, in California. That's not bonkers, that's completely rational. Well, why would you want to

shoot an animal? Well, you might want to. Driving through a safari park with the kids, and you're like, here's a bit of fun, cheer up,

cheer them up. You get peckish, and you see a fat pigeon. And you think, I'll have that. So you pull Cheer them up. You get peckish. You see a fat pigeon. And you think, I'll have that. So you pull out your glock from your fucking glove box. Yeah, you're oozy.

Cap an animal. But, um... It's not worth it. That's not a bonkers law. That's a good law. I'd like... I don't want to live in a society where people are allowed

to shoot animals from their cars. It would be dangerous. And here's one. In Alabama, it's illegal to drive blindfolded. Who would have thought it? Is that really there? That's an article.

It says here. Do they get robots to write this stuff? No. I mean, probably. It sounds like it's just something that doesn't actually comprehend English. In Minnesota it's forbidden to drive with a duck on your head. That's such made-up crap and not bonkers.

We just don't know. I'll give you a bonkers law. Go on. In Stoke-on-Trent, if your name's Nigel on Sundays and you're in a Ford Capri, you have to have a cake in your ear. That is bonkers.

A bit sort of weak, but you know what I'm getting at. It would be bonkers. You know what my prediction for this one is? Go on. It won't be bonkers. Not bonkers. Not bonkers enough.

It's bonkers or not bonkers. All right, okay. So over the limit, in Costa Rica, a bizarre law lets you drink alcohol while you drive, yet it's illegal to get drunk while driving. Not bonkers. God, that's depressing. Monday, in Manila on Monday, it's breaking the law to drive a car with a licence plate ending in one or two.

Well, that's obviously a pollution. Is it, say, at any time of the particular day? Actually, this fucking whole page is full of weird shit. Listen, chilling signs of death. Pick me up magazine, ladies and gentlemen. Pick me up magazine. Ooh, I'm dying. My face is frozen.

My tits have exploded. I got knifed in the belly and gentlemen. Pick Me Up magazine. Ooh, I'm dying. My face is frozen. My tits have exploded. I got knifed in the belly while pregnant. Pick Me Up? Is it really? Yeah. Chilling signs of death. An old wife's tale says that if you dream of birth, it is a sign that death is around the corner.

Black Shook. This beastly black dog with flaming red eyes haunts country lanes and is an omen of death. That would freak you out. Of course it would. It would probably drive you off the road killing you as a result of the fear. A black dog with red flaming eyes.

Pretty cool. It'd be pretty cool, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be. Or like meeting you down a dark alley at four in the morning after you've been DJing and drinking. That's an omen of death. It's not an omen of death

and I'm very responsible you know from a man who both shat and barfed at the same time look i didn't know that was going out it well that was a private matter between me and my pants that's not private jesus trouser cake some people believe if three people are photographed together the middle person in the photograph

will die first and you know they still believe that if you leave a fan on and you fall asleep with a fan on you'll die I've never heard of that

it's in Asia like a heating fan or like a air fan because what though it takes your soul because it no because it

blows all the air out of the room so you suffocate or something but it's just not true it's not true but they actually how they build in like timer switches

onto fans because of this superstition Jesus wet so that they'll turn themselves off they really a lot of people believe it

yeah it's strange how sometimes superstition can actually affect like real products like no floor 13 and stuff like that

and like this contains nuts, even though you've just bought a bag of nuts. No, but that's just health and safety gone absolutely bonkers. If you hear three... Fish contains fish? I know it contains fish! If you hear three unexplained knocks on your door or window, it is a sign that maybe someone you know is about to meet their end.

Well, thanks, pick-me-up. So you're sitting there and you read this magazine. Yeah. And all of a sudden... Ooh, it's the dog with flaming eyes. You hear a dog outside just go... And you go... And then you look at the photographs on Facebook

and you realise you're the middle person in every group selfie. Honestly, I don't know why this would be a pick-me-up in any way. Attacked and then I lost our baby. Next one. Super mum. Super mum. Super mum. She's a mum and she's got a body of Arnold Schwarzenegger now because she's buff.

Oh, here's another one. Jaffa Cake Day. A family, a woman and man who got married and they had a wedding cake made of just Jaffa Cakes. Oh, the drudgery of this. Bloody hell. 140 guests and nearly 1,000 Jaffa Cakes. Oh, the drudgery of this. Bloody hell. 140 guests and nearly 1,000 Jaffa Cakes went in the cake. Why? So they could get in a magazine?

Yeah. Uh, yeah. Why not have a normal cake? Because they're different to wacky. They're not wacky. And they even had a factory tour where they could see Jaffa Cakes get made for their wedding There's some kind of dead Jaffa Cake enthusiast. for their wedding presents. They're Jaffa Cake enthusiasts. Yeah, they are.

What a sad thing to be. I know. Yes. Actually, me and my wife were quite partial to Jaffa Cakes as it goes. We went to the McFitty's factory, got a personalised tour, saw where they added the apricot filling. Because that's something people don't know, really. They don't really know that, actually. It's not really an orangey centre.

It's more of an apricot centre. Is it made with apricot? I believe so. I can actually look right now on the packaging. Yes, let's have a look. It just happens, ladies and gentlemen. We do actually have Jaffa Cakes. Apricot? Apricot. That's the word you're looking for. It's got... Concentrated

orange juice, 8%. No apricot. You're talking out your butt. I believe I've sold you a lie. I'm sorry. You're spewing gravy over the rim. Bad gravy. Drived whole egg, regulator, natural orange flavourings, cum, cumming, curcumin. No, curcumin.

Cumming. Cumming. Iron, flamelin. There's no apricot in there. There's no apricot in there. There's no apricot. Are there different flavours of jaffa cake? Yes, you can get blackberry, and there was apple, limited edition apple. They're all limited edition.

It seems like in Poland, as a matter of course, you have lots of different flavoured ones. So more puzzles, more hearts of gold story, a lady born with a disability, and now she wants to get a gold medal in the Olympics and then that's it that's it so you know what

we've got another magazine here we'll do that another time I reckon but for now 68p is that a pick me up no that's awful I don't see who'd be

interested in that you don't think you'd be interested in murdered by his mate stabbed 12 times nice little bus journey read why mummy's gone to heaven

they've put the cake story on the bloody front as well. Yeah, because you don't want it all doom and gloom, mate, do you? That's the wacky story. And the big boobs. It's just cake made of Jaffa cakes. Yeah. That's all they had to go with.

Yep. But, you know, as I say, it's sandwiched between the pregnant knifing and the Mummy's Gone to Heaven. I'm also fascinated by the very specific pricing. 68p. Why would it be an 8? I don't know, because this is the fascinated by the very specific pricing. 68p. Why would it be an 8? I don't know because this is the thing on the other one.

That's life. 76p. Also strange. Because you know like sometimes you say oh it's £199 and you think well that's quite cheap

but you're actually spending £200 really because you get the 100 in your brain at the beginning and you think they still do that but no one goes

68p oh at least I'm not paying a pound. They just oh at least I'm not paying a pound they just think at least I'm not spending 70p spoilers for the next episode

or the next time we do these magazines Facebook beast got my girl 15 that's life that's the name of the magazine

that's life at least that's more neutral that's life it could be good it could be bad it is mainly bad what do you think this is, bad? Good or bad? Jealous pal batted my baby bump.

Why is it? It's a cover story. It's always about being abused while pregnant. Here's my favourite one. I thought he was sleeping but my baby had no eyes. That's all to come in a future episode of Cheap Show. Oh dear. That's life. That's all to come in a future episode

of Cheap Show. Oh dear. That's life. That's life. And that's another episode of Cheap Show done and dusted. Well, it's coming back.

Is it? The fish sausage is repeating. I don't and dusted. Well it's coming back. Is it? The fish sausage is repeating. I don't want to know. Keep it down. Keep a button on it before the slop gravy comes over the rim.

The rim of my throat. Anyway on Twitter you can find us at the Cheap Show pod. Email us why don't you thecheapshow at gmail.com or go to our website for pictures and

videos that accompany all of our episodes at www.thecheapShow.co.uk Well done. You managed that without fucking up. I know, right? I worked on it.

So there you go. That's how you can get in touch with us. Email us by all means. Get in touch. Got any questions for Eli? Remember to put hashtag AskSilverman and I'll answer them.

Yeah. Do you have any particular requests for questions about topics? I like... So no. The answer's no. Just say no.

I feel tired today, Paul. I hope... Let's just say goodbye to the lovely ladies and gentlemen, and then we can move on. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm off to jack him. Right off. Right off.

I'm going to jack him right off into his mouth. And I'm going to catch it in my face and say it's my birthday it's my birthday call this the fucking jack show jacking it goodbye