CheapShow - Ep 40: The Bullseye Family No Deal Game Show

Episode Date: April 13, 2017

It's time, yet again, to pit Eli and Paul against each other for another round of the TV Quiz Show Board Game challenges... Coming Up on the show today: 6.30pm: Bobby's Mucky Flat (Comedy) Bobby has ruined Barry's birthday and Vera isn't happy! 7.00pm: CheapShow Special (Game Show) Eli and Paul take on 3 popular TV game shows: Bullseye, Family Feud and Deal or No Deal, but who will be the victor? 8.30pm: The Review Review The venerable critics discuss the new edgy play "Horse Teeth" 9pm: The Krypton Factor (Quiz) Middle Management game show returns 10pm: "The Naughty Nun" (Movie) Erotic thriller starring Glenda Jackson (1982) Midnight Eat Nosh (Cooking Show) Gaz Pratt makes more shit food with student! Many thanks to Pat Sharp for his appearance in this episode of CheapShow! @patsharp Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Oh my god you ate all that crab meat, that's gonna play merry hell with you. I tell you what Vera, it really did, it was out of date, I checked after I'd eaten it and it caused a terrible creeping urgency in me guts. What do you mean an urgency? I mean I needed a shit straight away and no messing. So what did you do? I just had to use the nearest receptacle to hand which was the sink you got in the living room. But you shat in the sink?

Yeah. But we don't have a sink in the living room. That was our Barry's fish tank. Whoopsie gravy! And there will be more barely humorous adventures the same time next week in Bobby's Mucky Flat. But coming up after the break we have a cheap show special. I'm going to tell you how it's going to be.

With Scotch's lifetime guarantee. Tape what you want both night and day. Then re-record, not fade away. Re-record, not fade away. Re-record, not fade away. Every recording as good as the first, or we'll give you a new tape. You can watch Scotch forever. Re-record, not fade away. Coming up later this evening on Podcast TV,

at 9 o'clock, Gordon Burns forces more out-of-shape middle management bankers to breaking point in another Krypton Factor. At 10pm, the big podcast TV movie is Glenda Jackson's 1982 hit, The Naughty Nun. And finally, closing off the evening's programming is Eat Nosh at Midnight. In tonight's edition, Gaz Pratt makes a grey-looking bolognese in a poor student's flat. But before all that, it's time for more fun and frolics with Paul and Ellie in yet another desperate episode of Cheap Show. Hello, hello, welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to yet another special episode of the Cheap Show TV board game quiz show special.

With me as always presenting it is my good friend, Eli Silverman. And I really love you, I don't, I hate you, I love you, I hate you. Hi everybody, yeah, Eli Silverman, I'm ready to play. And don't. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. Hi, everybody. Yeah, Eli Silverman. I'm ready to play. And doesn't Eli look pretty tonight, ladies and gentlemen? I've got my favourite vest on. Thank you very much, lady.

Give us a twirl, Mr. Silverman. Give us a twirl. No, don't make... I won't do what you say. Twirl for me. I'm not going to do it. Twirl for me. I don't want to do what you say anymore.

Show me your goods. Show me your... I'm not showing you my goods. Show me your tits. Show me your tits. Paul, should we get on with the... Show me your belly tits.

Should we go and get on with the show? I want to see your neck tits. I don't have neck tits. Thank you very much. Anyway, welcome to yet another very special

edition of Cheap Show where Eli and I we've headed out to a few charity shops in the area and collected board games based on TV shows. And Eli, tell us, what board games are we playing tonight? Well, we've got a real treat for lovers of board games based on TV game shows tonight, Paul, because we'll be playing, first up, Bullseye.

Ooh. Then we've got something from the States. It's Family Feud. Finishing up with a game that is inexplicably popular and could be shortened to about a quarter of its length without all the fucking emotional baggage. Faf, deal or no deal? What exciting podcast we've got lined up today.

Sizzling. Sizzling. Absolutely fizzing with excitement. I'm popping off. I'm popping nuggets. Don't need to be that loud. It sounds really aggressive. Sorry, I'm popping nuggets.

So, ladies and gentlemen, we've got such a great show lined up for you today. Now, as always, the winner, the spoils, but the loser will soil themselves. Because, again, we've got yet another forfeit. And what's the forfeit today, Paul? Well, we're bringing back the Jelly Belly Bean Boozled Beans of Grottiness. And what happens?

They're paired beans. Yes, beans of colours, but one colour could have two different flavours. So if you pop the blue one in your mouth, you could get a toothpaste flavour or maybe you might get a

berry blue flavour. What's disgusting about that? Well, nothing. That's not a great example of a disgusting element. Give us a better example. Maybe if you pick a green one with speckles, maybe you'll have a juicy pear to chew down on. Or snot. Well, I eat my own snot all the time. There's nothing disgusting about that. And in fact, there's some arguments

that we evolve to eat our own snot. Do we? Because it makes you, it develops your immune system. Do you like wet snot or crusty snot to eat? Mate, I like a big mixture. No salad of snot. Okay, no, I get it. So they're disgusting.

Yeah, but if you like eating someone else's snot. That would be the worst thing. If I worked into my nose, I would eat that. Yes, I mean, that would be the worst thing ever. I have into my nose and went, eat that. Yes, I mean, that would be the worst thing ever. I have to say, my stomach's thinking of that. Anyway, so whoever loses each game show today will be forced to eat one of the beans. One bean per game show lost. So you could, if you lost all three like you're going to, be forced to eat three beans. Yes, but they could be three lovely beans.

So you might escape the hand of Boozle. Yeah, and may defeat Boozle at his own game. Okay, so there's a little game there in the forfeit as well. There's games in games in games tonight. It's an inception of games, a recursive gaming element. Shall we start the first challenge tonight, Paul? Ladies and gentlemen, we are playing today, starting off with the 80s classic on ITV, Balls Eye.

So, here's how the rules are going to be set up. Now, Balls Eye is an 80s TV show. Ran into the 90s a little bit. Starred a guy called jim bowen who is a northern comedian and uh can i just tell you one of my recent lovely moments because i've been watching a lot of bullseye recently you've got a problem with bullseye i've got a big you watch it too much of quite a lot and you know what happens you're you'll run out of bullseyes to watch do i get a sore bullseye and bullseye fatigue yeah don't yeah

uh then what you'll just start watching from the beginning again now i might go on to strike it lucky strike it lucky dad white white back white the pool white well tasteless yeah um so anyway so it started he hosted it um he he asked asked a female contestant this question. He said, the question was, what's the name you give to someone who hates women? And the woman thought about it and she went, is it feminist?

And he went, no, but it could have been, right? The answer was misogynist. Yeah, and you just think, oh God, the 80s hurts so much. Yeah, and you need to see the crowd because the crowd is often on camera on Bullseye. They're all sitting there in the audience. That's fascinating.

Yeah, not many quiz shows did that where the audience were watching the show and you could see them. That was what was good about it though. It kind of had a down-home sort of vibe. It did mean though. Inbred. Well, this is the thing.

There were quite a lot of old ladies in the audience and so effectively what that meant was Bullseye was God's waiting room. Because just little old dears in their 70s, 80s, oh, what a lovely day out. We've gone to see Jim Bowen do an episode of Bullseye. Oh, it was lovely.

Now I can die happy. Now I can die happy. I say it on my bucket list. I said, see Jim Bowen do Bullseye. I don't think they had bucket lists in the 80s. I think that's a term exclusively from the late 90s onwards. Well, this is why you're not invited out, are you, Mandy? What?

What do you mean? Fuck you, Mandy. Fuck you, Vera. Oh, you're called Vera? Yeah, probably. Dora. Anyway, oh, dear. So, anyway, we're going off tack.

Bullseye is about, it's a darts-based quiz show. They married the world of general knowledge and darts. Which is... Genius. Evergreen. So British. But and darts. Which is... Genius. Evergreen. So very popular. It was shown on a Sunday, wasn't it?

And it had that British pub kind of feel to it. Yeah. I have to say, Paul, I really enjoy watching it now, but at the time... Yeah, I'm the same. I was like,

oh God, my life. You know what I mean? What people can't remember of a certain age is there was no screen entertainment to be had. There was nothing.

Perhaps you had a VHS player and you had a TV with four terrestrial channels. Maybe even three depending how far back you want to go. Well, pre-1985 isn't it?

84 or 85 that Channel 4 came out. Well, there you go. Well, that went nowhere. All I'm saying is it didn't lift your spirits to know that Bullseye was starting

it did the opposite it told you school was tomorrow yeah and that this is the best you can get yeah in terms of entertainment

it wasn't good no it was not good and that's what's so enjoyable about it these days yeah it's really not good so the rules were

it's good in a in a really it's a really bad way yeah so the game was bad in it was a mixture of way yeah so the game was bad in it was a mixture of dart game throwing and general knowledge questions

shut up I knew you were fucking gonna I knew you were waiting to get in with that as well I knew it dart game throwing

oh your articulacy has reached new heights right man it was a game that married where you threw darts and answered questions and the

contestants were three groups of two right one was the dart player and one was the question and whether is it a professional dart player a semi-professional they usually somebody plays someone plays in the pub a lot you know and they didn't necessarily all look like serial killers these days when you watch your back you think he's got a dead body in the back of his van. This guy's got a naughty shed. That guy is not allowed to scout groups anymore. He's got a full dungeon. He showed me how to do the woggle a little bit too

tight. Lots of people like that on the show. And then women on the show who all looked like the dowdy kind of hags you'd see in the Reader's Wives section spread-eagled in the kitchen. kitchen okay a lot of things in that sentence there were there was a lot of baggage in that i'll take it no no that's fine i mean it's very descriptive ball very descriptive so good so here's how you and i are going to play ball's eye tonight here's what we're going to do right

we've got the dartboard we've got the board game all set up. It's all here in the House of Pickles studio. In the House of Pickles. So there's the dartboard. It's very clever. The board game that you get for Bullseye has a little roll-down dartboard from the show. So all the categories on everything and the normal dartboard on the back. I can see it there. It looks like quite good quality.

Looks like quite good quality, yeah. And the magnetic darts cling to it quite well. So we can throw darts and they will stick. Okay. So that's what we'll be using as the dartboard section. I've given you general knowledge questions. I've got them here. Yeah, and just like the quiz show Bullseye,

what happens is this. We're going to do two rounds, really. We're going to shorten the show considerably. You pick a category. Category. You throw a dart to hit that category. Category. Category.

If you hit that category correctly in the right point zone, you win those points for that dart throw. Point zone. And then you have to answer a question on that category to earn extra points. Got it? Yeah. We'll do that three times each. See who's got the most points after that. Why are you

Why are you losing it? Just because the game is the end. Why are you losing it? I'm explaining the rules quite well. Why are you losing it? I'm explaining the rules quite well. Alright, fine. Why are you losing your shit? I'll be okay.

I'll be okay. Wow, I've never seen you lose your shit over me describing the rules of Bullseye to you. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Wow. It's been a long weekend so

let's just get so we're going to do can we just get started and maybe I'll pick it up as we go along yes it'll be fine we'll explain the rules

as we go now do you want to go first or second I'll go first right so first so okay so for the first throw

the dart right the question that you'll answer will be worth 30 points but all you've got to do for now is take the dart off the dartboard there. They're all on there. So let's play Bullseye. Okay, now, Eli, we're in the House of Pickles, obviously,

where the dartboard is set up. Can you use your underpants as the ockie? Yes. Yes, your dirty underpants on the floor as the ockie? Yes. Your dirty underpants on the floor as an ockie. It's a sock. Grotty box. And what do I have to go for? You pick. It's up to you now. I'm going to be... So this is the question I want to answer. Yeah. One dart. One dart. So tell me what the category is going to be. Today. I'm going to go for history. He's going to go for history. Okay, take aim. No, no. Showbiz.

Showbiz, okay. Showbiz. Owning his dart. Oh, he misses, so he doesn't get a point for that, unfortunately, but you do get a question for 30 points on showbiz. Let's have a quick look of this now. Okay, here we go.

Showbiz for 30 points, Eli. Best of luck to you. Who were the Jets' rivals in West Side Story? The Jets' rivals in West Side Story, a bit of a tricky one. Was it the Sharks? Take your time. Well played, you got 30 points.

So you just got 30 points there. Now it's time for Paul to take the hockey. Okay now, Paul, what subject are you going to go for here? Stand behind the crusty sock. Alright, what are you going to go for? I'm going to go for showbiz as well. He's going for showbiz. And here he goes.

Spot on! Showbiz! So you get a point for that. 50 points! You get 50 points for that. you get a point for that 50 points You get 50 points for that Yeah 50 points Well done Right so Paul Cheated But you know

I fucking did not cheat How dare you I'll have a question on showbiz now please Jim Alright then Let's see Here is your showbiz question Lovely Which TV detective

Is famous for his shabby raincoat and cheap cigars? Oh, that'll be Columbo. Columbo's right. That's an extra 30 points for me. At the end of round one, Eli, 30 points. Paul has got 80 points at this point. But don't worry, because early days, anything could happen. We've got two more rounds to go.

Eli, up to the ocky. I'm going to the yokey. Now, this time, no matter what you get, the questions are worth £50. All right? So, he's lined up at the yokey. He's lined up in front of the board. What category are you going to go for?

People. Right, he's going for people. Now, so far... Oh, he's missed it again, ladies and gentlemen. So, no points there, unfortunately. Yeah, I didn't cheat. Fuck off. We're not doing that.

I did not cheat. That was a good throw. You stood about an inch away and just sort of went plonk. I can't help it if you're smaller than me and your arms don't reach. All right. You told me where to stand on the hockey. You could have made me move back if you were unhappy. You didn't.

Shut your fucking mouth. Can we just get on with it, please? Shut your fucking mouth. Here's your... So... Where's... So... Where's my question? I'll give you it on people. People.

Is that what happens if they miss totally? No, but I'm trying to give you points, mate. I'm trying to help. All right. So, people. For what sport is Steve Redgrave famous?

Rowing. And that's the correct answer, ladies and gentlemen. So you got 50 points for that. 50 points. Oh, 50 points. Right, Paul's turn to take up the hockey. Now, we've had some people complaining that Paul's been a cheating fuck. I've been fucking complaining.

Fuck it, I haven't. All right. Well, we're just going to make sure, Paul. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear. So just stand. And what are you going to go for? I'm going to go for books. He's going for books.

He's going to take his shots. And he's missed! That's more like it. No points! And I'm going to give him a question on books anyway. So... That's nice of you, thank you. Are you ready for your books question? I am indeed. You miserable fucking clout. What? What?

Just don't interrupt me when I'm asking the question. Giving you a Jim Bowen echo. What was Tarka as featured in the Henry Williamson novel? I believe Tarka was an otter. You're absolutely right. Tarka was an otter.

50 points for me. Excellent work. And at the end of round two, what are the points? Well, at the moment, Paul Gannon's ahead with 130 points. And Eli, you've got 80 points. But don't worry, because the questions in this round are worth £100. So everything could turn around. All right. You might not have to eat a bean this early in the show.

Am I going to go to the hockey now? Go to the hockey. Here we go. Take your darts. Now, you've had showbiz. We've had people. We've had books. Right.

So pick something else. Words. Words. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Words. The little midget man, little dynamo aiming for words. And I'm going to give him that. I'm going to give him 30 points for that.

30 points. It's just in. I mean, it wasn't, but fucking petty. I can't hit the... Oh, yeah. Too small for that, aren't they? It must be those

little midget dots. It must be huge in your hands. They're like spears. Thanks, Paul. And like a little oompa-loompa. A lonely oompa-loompa. Just give me the question.

All right. What category was it again? Words. Words. Right. Better not be spelling. No, because that's the spelling category.

Oh, there's one up there. Spelling. God, I'd never go for that. Right, not be spelling. No, because that's the spelling category. Oh, there's one up there. Spelling. God, I'd never go for that. Right, words. Okay. Which word means the study of moral principles and correct action? For 100 points. What word...

I'll repeat it again. Okay. What word means the study of moral principles and correct actions? I think the answer is ethics. Wrong. No, it's correct. I just wanted to do the bullseye sound okay yeah the answer was ethics congratulations that's 100 points for you there so let's have a look at the end of that round you stand at it's not the end of the round you haven't had your go that's true but you don't know use points before I throw yeah all right you have got why keep

doing this fucking voice is really, you have got... Why do I keep doing this fucking voice? It's really annoying. You have got 210 points. And what are you on? I am on 130. So, what do you get for hitting the board? Whatever I end up landing on. And then the question's worth 100. Right, so I'm going up to the hockey.

Here we go. Or as we like to call it, the spunky, crispy sock. He's changed dart. He's very serious. Right. And he's going to go for it again. He missed totally last time i'm gonna go he's going for history history he's going for history and let's see if he can get it on the on the board yes he's hit it no it's in affairs it's in affairs but it's for 30 point don't you get points i don't get points for that no i don't

get points you just have to ask me the question And it's an affairs question, is it? Yeah, but for 100 points Are you ready? I'm ready to ask a question on affairs Affairs? Affairs Affairs Who lost when Bill Clinton first became US President? And I can repeat the question if you like, Paul

Please do I've seen by your face that you're fucked Completely fucked. And Eli's grabbed it at the last second. He's pulled this out of the bag. I fucking hate you so much. I'll repeat the question.

Who lost when Bill Clinton first became US President? Now you could figure this out. Oh my God. He's a boring man. I can't just get a description of him i need his name oh my god i'm gonna who are you gonna go for have a guess i'm gonna go i know this is wrong wrong. I actually know this is wrong. Well, don't say it then.

But I can't think of anything else to say. So say it then. I don't like this game. I really thought I was going to lose, but you... We haven't got one more round yet to go. All right. Right, okay. Well, get this wrong then. Al Gore.

I know it's not Al Gore. It's not Al Gore. Fuck. The answer, George Bush Senior. Oh! I see. You did know it Right so at the end

Of those final throws The scores currently are 210 points to Eli Oh yeah And 130 points To Paul Chokey chokey Choke choke

Here's the next round though Right Here's the next round What's happening in the next round So you get three darts Throw a dart board Three darts And then you get

Whoever gets the highest points answers the question for extra points. Right? So we have to turn the dart board around. Doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-dood There we go, look, see? Turned around now. On to round two. Eli's gonna throw the first three darts there. So Eli, when you're ready, take your time, no rush. Throw your first dart. That's, what is that? Nine.

25. And your final dart, where's he gonna throw it? Seven. So, let me do the math there. Right, 41. I've got a beat. Right. Here we step up I've got a beat. Right. Here we go. Stepping up to the Krusty Sog.

20. Yeah, call it out. Be the fucking hockey one. Oh, I'm just watching you. 40. Oh, no. Oh, he missed. He totally missed.

You missed. It's a double 18. It's not a double 18. You missed. It is that, but it dragged the other magnet. Right. The cheating is just getting out of hand now. So 40, 40,

so it's 40, 50, what's 18 and 18? It's 36. 36 and 40 is what? 76. God, you're so shit at maths as well. Cheating maths idiot. So

76 points for me. Now, you have to ask me a question Any topic you like For an extra 30 points I'm going to go for affairs again Because it stymied you That's not fair You said I could choose I guess I know

You did cheat your arse off on that last throw Shut up It hit one of the other darts Flicked off it And because it's magnetic It hit the board somewhere else. Please give me this. Please give me this.

I might get the question wrong. Please give me this. Thank you. You are going to get this wrong. Oh, for fuck's sake. I've still got 76 points anyway. It doesn't matter. Affairs.

Affairs. Affairs. Affairs. Affairs. Which Pakistani cricket captain, liking it so far Became a politician in his own country I can't remember his first name But it was Khan I'm going to need the full name

Fuck off Come on at least give me that Khan Imran Khan Good well done I got it right Fuck you So 76 points gets added

Now Excellent So Eli It's your next three darts. We were only meant to do three rounds. You're just desperate to win, aren't you? Next darts.

Three of these. Right, he's going up to the ockie once more, and he's lining up his first of the show, and he throws it, and that's a one. Good start, Eli. There we go. Good start, Eli. Oh, jinxy jinx.

That's double 12, so that's, what, 24? So 25 and all right now. What's he going to do for his final throw? Oh, it's sliding jinx. That's double 12. So that's, what, 24? So 25 and all right now. What's he going to do for his final threat? Oh, it's sliding right down the board. And it's landed in double 15. So 30 and 25 is 55. Yes, 55. I'll write that one down.

Right, my turn for that. Paul is having a great time, I just want to say. So what did you get? Cheating his arse off. It's 55 to beat. One. Fuck off,

that's more than 20 than one. Alright, I'm at the wrong angle. I've hurt me bum, I've hurt my house. Be careful, there are some obstacles in the house of pickles. Yeah, just careful you don't impale your bum on that. He's moved the och.

He's moved it right forward. And seven. So 27. 27. 47. Alright, so you win that one. So, I give you... To win those 47 points, right, you've got to...

No, you can only win the points if you get the question right. Yeah, but I win the points that I scored. No, you have to get this question right. Yeah, but I win 55, not 47. Yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, that is my mistake. Thank you. So, to win those 55 points, here's a question for you.

What category should I pick? You can't read the question first. I just picked the category. That is no. All right, come on. Okay, okay. You pick the category and you ask the question, whatever it is. All right.

Okay, here we go. What was the main character in the Alex Haley novel Roots? What was the name of the character from Alex Haley's novel, Roots? Kunta Kinte. Is correct. You've got 55 points, Mr. Silverman. Here we go. And last throw of the darts. Take the hockey.

It's your last throw of the darts. I'll be so... I'm really enjoying this. There you go. Lined up at the Grotti Hockey. At the Grotti Hockey. And he throws his first dart. Where's he going to take it?

Oh, 20. 20 there. Where are you going to go next? Off. 25. So, 55 again. No, that's 45. Oh, 45.

45 again. Right, I'm up to the grotty ockie. It's not in the first dance. It's a miss. It really is a miss. That's bad. Oh, that's not great at all. It's a double one.

I'll give him that. Two. What have I got to do to beat you now? 45. So you have to get... I have to get treble 20. Basically, yeah. Or a bullseye.

Nine. 25. And double one. It doesn't matter. You lost. Right. So to win your 45 points Eli

here is your question right fucking hate you come on don't be sore in which year did Britain go decimal nice Brexit question in what year did Britain go decimal that's 4

I seem to remember it was 19... Well, I wasn't alive, but I seem to remember from when I was alive and heard about it, that it was 1973. The answer for 45 points? 1971. So you ask me a question,

and if I get it right, then I win 27 points. Okay. All right. People. All right, people. Which Scottish chemist invented a rubber-lined waterproof fabric? Oh. Which Scottish chemist...

Scottish chemist. ...invented a rubber-lined waterproof fabric? Macintosh. That's right. Excellent. So I win 27 points there. Okay. So who's going on to bully special prize board?

Let's find out right now. Who is going to be eating beans and who's going to be cleaning up on the prize board? So the finishing score was Paul Gannon with 233 points and Eli Silverman out in league with 265 Come on! After six rounds, which means I get to eat a bean. Eat the bean! Here we go. What colour are you going to go for?

I'm emptying the beans right now. Into my miso bowl. And what I'll do is I'll close my eyes and pick one at random. Okay, here we go. I can see it. Now, that's a white bean. Let's consult the handy guide on the packet. It's either going to be coconut or baby wipes.

Let's hope it's baby wipes. That's really unpleasant. I've had that one. Here we go. Moment of truth. Paul, what kind of bean did you Oh it's baby wipes Yeah

Oh it's baby wipes Yeah Oh it tastes like Baby's arses Yeah Oh no Yeah It feels like I've just eaten a baby

Yeah Stop doing that Good Right Eli So you're going to move on To the prize board now Which means you can win eating a baby. Yeah! Stop doing that! Good. Right, Eli, so you're going to move on to the prize board now, which means you can win these prizes now.

We don't have just any old prizes. No? No, we've got the prizes from the Geekatorium show that me and you did. So let's see what we said about the prizes on offer tonight.

What are the prizes coming up on tonight? The bullseye! And one! Oh, quick. And one! And one! We've got a Teesmode, lovely Teesmode, makes a lovely cup of tea and wakes you up as well, with tea. An M2! An Amstrad!

All of 2K computing power! All of 2K computing power. Comes with a lovely attractive user's guide. And that's all it makes a nice cup of tea. And three. Policeman Ted with his balloons. Not included. And you can collect the whole set. You've got a bleeding minor teddy bear as well.

Makes a lovely cup of tea. And three! Four! Four! Gentlemen, you'll never be alone with this attractive novelty candle holder. And five! It's a carriage clock. Look at this lovely carriage clock. Makes a lovely cup of tea. And some flowers. And five. Eight. Six. A teasman. It's this beautiful teasman. Plays your songs by Duran Duran or Tiffany and makes a lovely cup of tea. Towel not included. And seven. This lovely pet set of steak knives and eight it's a washing machine

and teas made and now for bully's special prize some cocaine you won't ever need a cup of fucking tea again so there you go, Eli. There are all the prizes available tonight. A Teas May, computer, cuddly toy, sex aid, carriage, clock, walkman, knife, washing machine, and cocaine. Sex aid? Yeah, the candle.

Oh, sorry, the candle. The candle. Thank you. Yes. You got six darts. You're going to throw them now. See, the board's already round. So you see the red?

Yeah. If you get it in the red, that's a prize. Or the blue. But if you get it in the black, no prize attack. So let's see what he goes for. He's got six darts. It would normally be nine in the TV show, but because you don't have a second person,

he's going to throw six professional. So he's going to go for... What prize is he going to go for? Let's see which red... Number one. He's going to go for number one, which is the Tees Made. Will he go for it? I like tea. All right. Okay. He wants the Tees Made. Let's see which reds. Number one. He's going to go for number one, which is the Tees Made. Will he go for it? I like tea. Alright, okay.

He wants the Tees Made. Let's see how he goes. He's got bully special prize though. You've got that cocaine, Eli. Come on. That's great. Okay. I can sell it on, yeah? Yeah, you can sell it on, obviously. I can step all over that shit. It's like those two

guys who won that car and then told Jim Boone they couldn't drive. Well, I can step all over that shit. It's like those two guys who won that car and then told Jim Bowman they couldn't drive. Well, I can do cocaine. Yeah, finish off the board. I think I'll stop there. Honestly, I'm happy. Just give it to me. I'll fucking go now.

Do two more. All right, two more then. Right. Okay, that's number one. That's the Tees Made. Well played there. You've got the Tees Made. I'm really impressed by the prizes so far.

Cocaine and the Tees Made. What's your final one? Just a quick question. Can I put the cocaine in the Tees Made so I'm really impressed by the prizes so far. Cocaine and the Tees Made. What's your final one? Just a quick question. Can I put the cocaine in the Tees Made so it makes cocaine tea? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can. What's the candle holder? The candle holder is number four.

It's got a sexy vampire mouth. I can sit back on it. Yeah, it does have a sexy vampire. That's what I'm going for. Yeah, oh my God. All right, cool. Is he going to go for it? Oh, that's black. No, it's not. It's black. It's for. Yeah, oh my God. All right, cool. Is he going to go for it? Oh, that's black.

No, it's not. It's black. It's red. In that case, you got the cuddly toy. The policeman's cuddly toy. Right. So they're the four prizes. So what I'm going to do, right?

Yeah. I'm going to get on the cocaine. Yeah. Warm my bollocks in the tea's made. Yeah. And then speak to myself, but I'll direct it at the police teddy bear. So you're going to arrest yourself. Yeah, call yourself a policeman. You it at the police teddy bear. So you're going to arrest yourself?

Yeah, call yourself a policeman. You're nothing but a teddy bear. You thought this through. It's fucking horrible. Right, so here's the thing though. You've got some nice prices there.

You've got the Tees Made. You've got the cocaine. You've got the cuddly toy policeman. But... Bastard! Bacon! Do you want to try it

and throw it all in? Do you want to gamble? And? What am I gambling it for? If you throw three darts and get 101 or more, you'll win all the prizes on the board, all of them, and I'll give you a pound. A real pound.

However, if you don't get 101, you lose all your prizes and you have to eat a jelly bean. Well, seeing as the prizes are imaginary, that I've won already. But the pound's real. I'm definitely going to give you a pound. So that's it. You're saying pound or jelly bean.

Yeah, I'll give you one pound and one pea. We have to go for it. We have to go for it. All right, here we go. He's going for it. He's gambling. He's gambling. He didn't even wait for the board to revolve. So you've got to get 101 or more

or you eat the bean and lose all your prizes. That are fictional. Here we go. Here we go. It's very exciting. 20. You get six darts, by the way. Oh are fictional. Here we go. Here we go. It's very exciting. 20. You get six darts, by the way. Oh, what's that?

Two. 22. Double 15. So that's 30. And 22 is 50. 57. I knew that. So 57, which means you've got to get Eli 42 to win. 5700 one or more. So 44.

You've got to throw 44 to win. Three more darts. Off the board. That's double 11 which is 22 which means you need another 22. You need another 22 to win. Oh, 25! You fucking broke me! I haven't got it on me right now. Oh, yeah, you haven't got it on you. I haven't got it on me right now. I don't. It's typical.

I thought I had change in my pocket. You owe me a quid. Well, ladies and gentlemen, he's done fantastically well. 101 or more. Bloody well done. Thank you. Congratulations, Eli. Congratulations. Thank you Well congratulations Eli Congratulations Thank you

You've won a pound You've won a Tees May The computer The cuddly toy The sex aid The candle holder The carriage clock The walkman

The knife The washing machine The cocaine That's what matters And you're also walking away today With 255 pounds Yay And bullies

Rubber bully And a tankard Great And you get to suck my winky woo with £255. Yay. And bullies, rubber bully and a tankard. Great. And you get to suck my winky woo. Give me the cocaine first, then we can party. We'll talk. All right, well,

see us after this break where me and Eli will be back with more crazy quiz show board game TV challenges. Yay! I'll be your dog. I'll be your dog. Fedora. Fiora. Fedora.

Fiora. Fedora. We all adore Fiora. Hello, yes, and welcome back. Yeah, we're back, and it's time for the second section of this Cheap Show Game Show Special. What have we got coming up in this section, Paul? Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're getting a little bit of our feud on as

we play family feuds family feuds family feuds we're playing family feuds or in Britain it's called

family fortunes with Les Dennis as the host Les Dennis comedian who used to be part of Dustin G until Dustin G

died at a frankly very early age quite sad very talented man Les Dennis not so much

hosted lots of quiz shows for a while did impressions mostly of Mavis from Coronation Street which if you know that reference then you know

how badly his impressions have dated yes very badly I don't really know sad so let's play Family Feud. So the rules are quite simple.

Family Feud. They have... Don't fucking lose it again just because I'm explaining the rules. Don't do it again. Why? Just when you say it quite simply. When you say it's just the look of

fear in your eyes. That's what got me there. They're simple. Just explain them. So, they asked 100 people a question and upon that they get... We can't concentrate now. Right, so fuck you. Survey of 100 people that they get so we can't concentrate now right so

fuck you survey of a hundred people and we asked how many you know did something or would think of

something and we have to guess how many of the things we thought the public came up with the answer to the question oh that's so incoherent.

So funny. You do it then. Right. So, we asked 100 people a question. Yeah. And you have to guess what their top answer would be. Yeah, it's very unique. Is that okay?

Yeah, very specific. Thank you. That's how it's played. So, you have as many guesses as you can until you get three wrong answers and then you're out. Okay. And what we'll do is

we'll add up the points to how many correct answers you got from the list. The number of people who said that answer. So if 25 people said yes or whatever, you get 25 points. If you guessed that answer. And if you get all six right, you also get a bonus 50 then, I think.

All right? For points. So who wants to go first? You go 50 then, I think. All right? For points. So, who wants to go first? You go first this time, Paul, I think. All right. Okay, cool. In that case, give me a category. We asked 100...

There's no categories. Give me a fucking question then. I will. Pedantic arse. Well, it's not... I mean... We asked 100 people, name something insects do. Okay.

So insects. Buzz. Ding. Three points. Three points. They crawl. Ding. 11 points.

11 points. Breed. Mate. Do you mean no? No, actually. Don't you fucking dare. Don't you dare. Reproduce.

Three points. Okay, good. Three points. Doing all right. How many all together are there? Five. Five. So I've got to get two more.

Bite? Oh, is that a top answer? 58. 58. All right, sweet So Slime, gooey Oh no, I've got one

That's my first strike Live, not very long Two strikes Do you not get any points if you strike out? No, you just get a strike. Then once you get three, the game's over for me. Then I count up my points. So I've got one more to guess, right?

Yeah, so you've had bite, crawl, buzz, and reproduce. So there's one more thing that insects do. Eat. Five points. Five points. Five points, and then I get... What do you mean eat? Everything eats.

Oh, I thought that I was just thinking. Did you see it on the card? No, of course I didn't fucking see it. I didn't know what card you were going to pick, did I?

Dick. You don't like it when I fucking do well. That's your problem. You don't like it when I do well on this game. It makes me feel bad about my life

when you do well, Paul. So I got 100 points, basically, didn't I? Yes. 100 points plus 50 for getting all five, which means I have at the end of round one, for me, I have 150 points. Well done. Right, you're ready for your next one? Yes. Okay, I'm pulling from a card

at random. Okay, here's one that you might find difficult. Okay. We asked 100 people, name a reason you'd congratulate someone. Six things to guess. They got married. Is correct. That's one. Ding.

How many points? 27. You've got to go ding, ding, ding, ding. What's the top answer? Okay, so that was ding, ding, ding, ding. Top answer. That was the top answer. Yeah, top answer.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. They'd had a child. Birth of a baby. Yeah, 21 points there. Ding, ding, ding. Just the one ding? Ding! Yeah, just one ding if it's just one. Alright, cool. So there's four more to get. You've had birth of a baby

and married or engaged. So there you go. Four more to guess. Why would you congratulate someone? Why would you, Eli, bother to congratulate someone? I don't. I only do it for those two reasons. That's the problem. Yeah. So what other reason would you think to congratulate someone? You go, oh for those two reasons. That's the problem. So what other reason would you think to congratulate someone? Oh, well done, mate, on that.

Retirement? Good answer. Not down here. Strike. Two more strikes left and four more to guess. What have I got? Married. You got married and birth of a baby. So think of other reasons why you'd go.

Well done, mate. Congratulations. That's great to hear. This is really hard for you because you've never had to be positive for anyone in your life. All right. I got promoted.

I got a pay rise. Yes. Second answer. Job or promotion. 25 points there. Okay, excellent. Three more to get and two more strikes left.

What's going to happen, Mr. Silverman? Congratulations on your fucking doll money. Congratulations on giving me a spliff, mate. Congratulations. The mind of Eli. The cosmic void. You're trying to put yourself in a situation. Pregnant.

No, no, not on there. Birth of a baby counts. You've shat the bed. You've got one more strike left and it gives me no pleasure to say there are still three more left to guess. You've had married or engaged, job promotion, birth of a baby. They are the top three answers.

There are three left on this and I don't think you're going to get one of them. He's having a moment, ladies and gentlemen. are the top three answers. There are three left on this, and I don't think you're going to get one of them. He's having a moment, ladies and gentlemen. What else do people fucking do? They have a job. What do fucking people do? What the fuck?

I don't know what people fucking do. They have, look, I'm trying to, right, what I'm going to do. Yeah, go on. Is I'm going to imagine someone's whole life from birth to death. Yeah. You definitely don't congratulate people for death. They don't get this much time to imagine someone's whole life from birth to death. You definitely don't congratulate people for death. They don't get this much time

to imagine someone's whole fucking life. Shut up, I'm born. Right, born. They're congratulations. Well done, Mr. Silverman. It's a boy, a miserable boy. Fuck off, I was a happy child. What happened?

Life happened, Paul. As we're about to find out. Congratulations. Let's just skip to puberty. I'm having a wank. They should congratulate me for that. Yeah? Is that your answer?

No. Mate, that was a really good wank you just had. Oh, it was wicked. Graduate. Graduate from university. Ding! That is the correct answer. That's the next one down.

See, it helped me going through someone's life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got two more to guess and one more strike, making a whole big fucking war and peace of this. I'm not feeling very good about it. You shouldn't. So I've got a university. Now I'm ready to fucking bone.

Gross little man. Lose your virginity, they wouldn't put that there. They might do. They wouldn't put that there. You don't know. I mean, they should be congratulated for that. Yeah, they should. Especially when you did.

What do you mean, especially when I did? Because no they should be congratulated for that. Yeah, they should. Especially when you did. What do you mean especially when I did? Because no one thought it was going to happen. Yes, they did. No, they didn't. I knew it was going to happen. No, you hoped

it was going to happen. It's a different fucking thing altogether. We all hope. I hope to be fucking megastar comedians. Is that ever going to happen? No, it's not.

I've come to peace with that. I've told myself I've come to peace with it. All right, it's my question, Paul. Yeah, you've got two more things left to congratulate some. You've got four right. Retirement, I already tried. That with it. All right, it's my question, Paul. Yeah, you've got two more things left to congratulate some.

You've got four right. Retirement, I already tried. That was wrong. Yeah, and that was wrong. You've got one more strike left. Become a grandparent? Meh, meh. Oh, third strike, no.

So, altogether, you have there, I believe, it is 85 points at the end of that round. No bonus for you there. The two outstanding answers on the board were what number one was married and engaged? Number two, job promotion. And number three, birth of that round. No bonus for you there. The two outstanding answers on the board were what number one was married and engaged. Number two, job promotion. And number three,

birth of a baby. Number four, graduation. At number five, birthday. Anything a birthday? Something that happens every year. No, we don't do that in this country though, do we?

You don't celebrate my birthday. You didn't. You forgot. I'm hurt. Well, sorry, this is turning into Paul's problems day. Yeah, well, they're my problems

and they're your problems. This may be a game show special, a bit of fun for everyone, Paul. You're just like, really bringing the whole tone down with your like, no one loves me. No one loves you. Right, anyway. Yeah, it's projection, Paul. And finally, number six, won something. Won something. When someone wins something.

It's quite obtuse. There you go. But there you go. I failed fair and square. There you go. So, at the end of that round you got 85 points. You're more than happy to double check them if you go. I failed fair and square. There you go. So at the end of that round, you got 85 points. You're more than happy to double check them if you want. That's fine. Yeah. 27, 21, 25 and 12. I make that 85.

Can't you do long addition? No. I'm really bad at math. No, I'm just bad at math. I'm going to double check it then. Yeah. 85. Yeah, 85.

I was right. Congratulations, me. My math scores are impeccable excellent so time for the Gannon family here we go

oh good girl I don't know why all my family are brucy all of a sudden okay okay you ready

yes name something we asked 100 people did you to name something Elvis Presley will always be remembered for I'm guessing wife beating isn't on that

Is that an answer? No, of course not I'm going to go for that Because I'm ready to bloody utter you straight away If you're going to be flatulent I mean, facetious So, he's going to be remembered for his Las Vegas suits What?

Ding What is it? His clothes Alright, okay, cool Five points Not the highest one Vegas suits. What? Ding. What is it? His clothes. All right. Okay, cool. Five points. Oh, not the highest one. Can I ask a question about the answers?

Yeah, there's six of them. Yeah. And also, are there things in there like titles of songs or are they quite generic? I think that's asking too much, Paul. Oh, Christ. In that case, I guess I was supposed to eat rock and roll. Oh, God. I'm just going to have to give you it because you're such a fucking idiot. Ding is music.

Right. Okay. Music. How much is that? 53. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. It's the top answer. Graceland.

How the fuck is that not on there? We asked 100 people. Don't blame me. Don't blame me. Don't shout. You're too loud. Don't need to get that close to it. Don't blame me. Fucking idiot. Is it ruined Don't need to get that close to it Don't blame me

Fucking idiot Is it ruined? Is everything ruined now Paul? Yeah it's ruined You've ruined everything Paul You're really negging out on this one Paul I don't want to lose every round Like I did last show

But you're gonna But you're gonna I've eaten a bean And I've got to give you a pound This is the worst time I've lost last time You really are I thought I was doing well at Bullseye as well I know

You looked strong to begin with But then It's the long game we're looking at here, Paul. Right. So, okay. What else have you got his music? And you said his clothes as well. Yeah. We're looking. That's quite generic.

That's like both things he's famous for. The music was the top answer. Yeah. Clothes was the third. Christ. So you're still looking for the second top answer. And then another three. So four altogether.

Will he be famous for The Colonel? Is that on there? Mate, you... Fucking hell. Jesus, mate. But that's... I thought I was being... That's quite a good answer.

It's a good answer, but it's not on there. Okay, what else did Elvis do? Famous for... I mean... Jesus Christ. Being in the army You really did badly Do you want to hear the other answers?

Dying on the toilet His death was there Yeah Fuck And you're out already No you're out already Alright I'll give you that Yeah what was it?

Three points Alright fine In that case I'll be out with that You happy? So you scored Would you want to hear the other answers? In number two Swivel hips or moves.

Oh, fuck's sake. That's why he was big. That's what drove the ladies crazy. Number four, hair or sideburns. That's a shit. That is fucking stupid. That's what people remember Elvis for.

There's her, but no one mentioned Graceland once. The most famous place in rock and roll. Whatever. Number five, his death. You got that. Yeah. Six, drug use. Well,. Number five, his death that you got there. Six, drug use.

Well, that's kind of his death as well, isn't it? Well, no. He had a lot of happy years of doing drugs before he died. Las Vegas isn't on there. His movies aren't on there. His Colonel's not on there. No. That's my impression.

Anyway, at the end of that round, I got 61 points. So now it's your turn, Mr. Silverman. I'm ready. Are you ready? Yes. Okay, I'm behind. We asked 100 people, name something your mother told you never to do at the dinner table. There are seven answers on the card.

Put your elbows on it. Let's have a little look. Elbows on the table is correct for 10 points. Ding. Ding, ding, ding. Ding. Ding, ding, ding. Ding. Ding indeed. Ding indeed. Right, next one. Right. Next one. Elbows on the table.

Elbows on the table, yeah, go on. Picking your nose. Let's have a little look at this. No. Eh-eh is unfortunately an eh-eh situation. One eh-eh down and two to go. So what next do you want to do?

Name something your mother told you never to do at the dinner table. Never to do at the dinner table. Yeah, never to do. Don't say masturbate. I'm going to save you from saying masturbate now. Or, as you tend to, shit. I'm not going to do a shit. I'm not going to shit or masturbate.

Good. What did my mother tell me? Nothing to do at the table. Elbows. Swear. Let's have a little look. Bad language. Let's have a look at bad language. And no. There's another. I mean, I don't think my parents would have needed me to say

Mum, fuck you. I don't think that would have ever come up. Fucking hell, Mum, this stew's shit. I would have said that. Cunt! To my mum? I would have said piss in your cunt! What the fuck? Jesus! Wow!

That's heavy! Sorry, I wouldn't have said that. Jesus, no wonder we have to put a naughty language sign on this. Right, you've got... Swearing's wrong. Swearing. No swearing. Right? It's not there. So far all you've said one. Swearing's wrong. Swearing. No swearing, right? It's not there. So far, all you've said is elbows on the table. I can't think of...

What rude things would you do at the dinner table? Rude. Think rude. Think rude. Yeah, think rude. Rude things. You naughty, naughty boy. Naughty Eli.

Naughty boy. What am I going to do? Take a shit. Don't get your bottom out and take a shit on the dinner table. That's not happening. We're not even going there. All right. So come on.

Think. Eat with your hands. Eat with your fingers is ding, ding, ding. It's number five on the board. Answer number six. How many points? So there is five. I still haven't got the top answer.

No, the top answer is still there. The thing is, I look at these cards and I think they're quite obvious, but it's hard when you're on that side of the game. Yeah, I know. That's the whole point. That is the whole point. The whole dynamic. The whole dynamic, yeah.

It's the whole raison d'etre. Go on. Eat with your fingers. Elbows on the table. Yeah, go on. What have you got? Start before everyone else. Start eating before everyone else

start at the wrong time start start Eli indeed unfortunately you were wrong the other answers on the table were top answer chew with your mouth open

24 points number 2 burp also obvious as all hell play with your mouth open. Why? It's so obvious. 24 points. Number two, burp. Also obvious as all hell. Three, play with your food or throw your food. At number four, elbows on the table, which I would have thought I wouldn't have gotten that, honestly. I wouldn't have thought of that. Five is fight, I guess. Stupid.

Six, eat with your fingers. You got that one. And finally, talk with your mouth full. God, so obvious. So there you go. So at the end of that round. I'm shame-faced. At the end of that round, at the end of that round only

15 points scored unfortunately for you so it's on to the final round now so eli get us one last card and let's crack on with this let's burn through this bitch let's do this let's do this to this i'm ready i'm ready apparently you're not i'm not gonna do this one but all right what is it though it shows the kind of weird sort of sexism of these cards name a body part where women strategically apply a splash of perfume jesus does it say a clout it doesn't say that doesn't say a boss or boss whatever it's called lady has it does not say that wrists neck behind the ears down it in Right. What is the next category then? Name something Popeye

might have tattooed on his arm. On his arm, not his arse. His arm. His arm. Right. So, we're looking for five answers here. Five things. Okay. So, an anchor. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Oh, it's a big ding-a-ling. 54 points. Top score. 54 points.

Excellent. Okay. So, mum or mom. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Oh, it's a big ding-a-ling. 54 points. Top score. 54 points. Excellent. Okay, so mum or mom? Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Ding. Just one ding. Three. Three. Okay, next.

What else would he have on there? Think of his life and the people in his life. Oh, so they're actually thinking about things in his life now, so maybe olive oil would be on there. Ding. Yeah. 28 points. 28 points. It's too easy. Yeah, it is too easy easy i'm loving this because it looks like someone's eating

a fucking bean it's not me you've got two answers okay looking for spinach ding can of spinach yeah how much is that nine nine one answer left so we said what we said said anchor top answer olive oil second answer can of spinach third answer fourth answer mum right so I'm just going to waste a few

of these strikes now on characters from you can only waste two alright I'll waste two you're throwing away 50 points if you

can't get this last one doesn't matter I'll have to get a mic strike gold so Pluto didn't think so

fine that's it I'm just sweet pea the baby right that's fine so now this is the thought that counts okay I'm just Sweet pea the baby Right that's fine So now this is the thought That counts Okay I'm on this

I know Popeye What would Popeye say Agagagagagagag Do you think you've Got it wrong I'm just saying that Agagagagagagag So what would he have

Tattooed on his arm What would any sailor Have tattooed Well that's what I'm thinking Anker and Rose Rose Fuck's sake Good thinking though Good thinking though right You want to know what it was Yeah what was the last one Heart What would any sailor have tattooed? Well, that's what I'm thinking. Anker and Rose. Rose? Fuck's sake. Good thinking, though.

Good thinking, though, right? You want to know what it was? Yeah, what was the last one? A heart. Heart? A heart. I guess. That's what you get tattooed.

I thought Rose would have been nicer, though. Yes, 92. 92, 92. Gives the pen. Gives the pen. 92. Right, that's 92. All right, so are you ready for your final, final round of this?

Here we go. Hopefully I'll do better. I really did badly. I'd just like to say I'm very remiss. You did do. Very remiss of this. Here we go. Hopefully I'll do better. I really did badly. I'd just like to say I'm very remiss. You did do. Very remiss of me. Right. Okay.

I'm going to give you a punt with this one. You're going to give me a punt? No, you know what? I'm not because I always fucking do that. Then you win a bean. I'm going to make you fucking work. I'm not winning a bean. All right.

You want me to have the bean. Here we go. Are you ready? We asked 100 people, name an occupation that has its own kind of chair. Dentist. Ding, ding, ding, has its own kind of chair. Dentist. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Top answer there with 48.

Nicely done. Next one. We've got four more left. Type of chair. I mean, torturers, but that's not a profession. That would be a good guess. It would not be a good guess. It would be.

Torturers would have had their own chairs easily. Yeah, they have their own chairs, but they don't have a profession that would be. Well a good guess. It would not be a good guess. It would be. Torturers would have had their own chairs easily. Yeah, they have their own chairs, but they don't have a profession that would be... Well, I guess. Look, it's an American game. They don't even admit that they do that. Well, Americans, yeah. Well, they probably do do it then.

The waterboard chair. They love it. Doctor's chair? Dentist chair, yes. Dentist chair you've had, yeah. What other profession would require owning a special type of chair or having a chair unique to that profession?

Like chair god. He's having a right stress, ladies and gentlemen. I can't. I'll be honest with you. It's enjoyable. It's enjoyable to see Eli suffer when I know he's easily eating a bean because I don't think he can beat me, even if he got 100 points plus the bonus right now.

But that's just me thinking out loud, ladies and gentlemen. Just me thinking out loud. Dentist chair. Dentist chair. Dentist chair. Dentist chair. Oh, I love this. This is really nice. I'm really enjoying the fact that I've won this round and Eli now has to

dangle on my hook of victory. Fucking hell, man. Who else has a chair? You'll hit yourself, hopefully, quite violently in the face. Can I just tell you now, if you did get 100 points and the bonus for getting all five,

you still wouldn't beat me. I'm just going to throw that out there. What's the point of me even trying? I like seeing you suffer. I didn't get to last time. Give me a clue, Sam. Give me a clue. I'll give you a clue.

I'll give you a clue. I'll let you play. Right, so I'll make sounds to the profession Sound effect number one for this profession Oh my god Why am I so stupid

Why am I so stupid Fat, ugly, killed your brain cells with booze Out of shape Barber is right I'm going to give you the points for that 32 lovely pity points. Next one I'll give you.

Okay. Here's my next mime, stroke, whatever you want to call it. Director. Director's chair for seven points. Next one. Here we go. I'm so stupid. Here's the next one.

Here's the next one. Ready? An auctioneer. Gavel. A judge. Judge is the next one. Here's the next one. Ready? An auctioneer. Gavel. A judge. Judge is the next one, yeah. Four points there. And finally...

Okay, I have to reach forward with the pen and tap you on the shoulder. Here we go. Who would have done that? The queen? Or... A monarch. A monarch, yeah, there you go. They'll have their own throne.

That's a bullshit fucking answer right there. I know, but... It's not a job, is it, being the monarch? All I'm saying is that at the end of that round, you got... You would have had... Let's just say I was favourable and guessed those. You would have got 150.

I'm going to get just past the beans. We're 250. You don't need to add this up. And what's more delightful is that I beat you by three points. There wasn't much in it, but you would have had to get all those right. If not... I wouldn't have got them right.

If not, no, I would have trounced you. You weren't fair and square. I would have pulled your pants down, down to your ankles, bent you over my knee, got your little body out and given you seven little naughty spanks upon the bottom.

Crikey. So, Paul, it's time to go to the bean bruise. I love this. This is no... So I'm going to close my eyes. Close your eyes and grab one.

Yeah. All right, which one have you. Close your eyes and grab one. Yeah. All right. Which one have you got? It's another creamy one. It's a kind of yellow creamy one. It might be another baby wipes one. Let's find out. No, it's not.

It's not. So it's creamy. So is it light creamy? It's either butted popcorn or rotten egg. Oh my God. This is the worst one. Excellent.

Here we go. I bet it's the butted popcorn. I bet it's the butted popcorn. Yeah, it's the butt of a popcorn. Oh, mate. The only time you eat a fucking bean. Yeah.

Oh. It's quite nice. Quite nice, that. I don't like this game. Right, what? We've got some more ads, don't we? Well, got a message

from our sponsors. Wait, wait, wait, there. Let's remember the point of this. I want you to say to the microphone Paul I'm so happy you won that

we asked 100 Eli's to name something to congratulate someone about there you go Paul I'm happy you won that I can't fucking love it I can't fucking

take my dick off I lost I was stupid I'm not very good at thinking let it rain all over my body you know what my problem is Paul is I can't think along the same lines as ordinary people I'm not very good at thinking let it rain all over my body you know what my problem is is I can't think

along the same lines as ordinary people I'm better than people I'm better than a hundred people I know more

about stuff no you don't you would have known who has a special chair like a barber I'm so stupid I'll fuck my life

I'll walk off oh it just feels so good to win that one Jesus and with that in mind let's take you all over now

to some more messages from our sponsors. You know I'm waiting. Just anticipating. The pure taste of coconut. But while I'm waiting. Bounty is moist, tender coconut. Try a little tenderness.

Drenched in a sea of chocolate Try a little Pendermint Discover new bounty The taste of paradise Thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show. Hello, Eli. Hello, I'm ready to go.

So it's been a one each in terms of the wins. You won Bullseye. And you won Family Feud. Oh, and it felt so fucking good. Even though I didn't have to eat a dirty bean. And you did. Yeah, well, either way, you still lost and that's all that matters to me. You fundamentally lost the game. Alright? I did. We're going to end

on a game I've been excited to play for a while now. It's Deal or No Deal. Hello!. It's Deal or No Deal. Hello. Let's play Deal or No Deal. Now, if you've seen the British version of the show, as which Eli and I have... I've seen many episodes. Yes, it's basically a show where they somehow pad out

choosing from 22 boxes and make it into an hour-long show. What they do is they use people's very nice life stories. So they like someone who's had maybe a problem with illness or obesity or a bit of a troubling year because Dada died or something like that. Something tough. Something tough that they've gone

through and Noel can shamelessly manipulate it. Manipulate it, bring it out, get some emotion going, get the viewers, and then be a cold, heartless bastard who never talks to them again. Yeah, never again. And you know, he censors their aura

if they're going to be winners or losers. He's also into mumbo-jumbo bullshit. Probably, if he hadn't had an immensely successful career as a light entertainer and radio DJ, he'd be a murderer. He'd be a murderer. He'd be a rapist.

A sodomist. Horrible human grotbag. Right. Fuck him. Anyway, in America, when they do it, radio DJ yeah he'd be a murderer he'd be a rapist a sodomist horrible human grot bag right fuck him anyway in America when they do it they don't have

12, 22 people around the board with lives and wishes no they have lovely sexy ladies holding suitcases they have to choose from that's it

yeah that's better just the person they're not the sexy lady thing I mean you could have some blokes in there I don't mind how about 22 sexy Noel Edmonds

lookalike ladies I like that women with tidy beards oh actually I see why you like that because they're just like you with bigger tits have some blokes in there i don't mind how about sex 22 sexy noel edmunds look alike ladies i like that women with tidy beards oh actually i see why you like that because they're just like you with bigger tits if anyone's listening to this podcast and imagining a female lady who looks like eli with a lovely pair of bubblies and a nice figure um you know the typical way people think men like women's a lot like, if you are thinking of that right now and maybe, maybe touching yourself, we grant you that permission to touch yourself. We want you to. This is really going places I don't want to go with this now.

Never let anyone tell you what you do is wrong unless what you do is wrong. All right. Okay. Like murder. Okay. You know, touching people without permission. Can we play the game now if you're touching yourself

and it's loving and committal and you know everyone's involved has what's the word I don't know I don't know when people agree

to do stuff to each other consensus consensual consensual if it's all consensual it doesn't hurt anyone you do it if you're listening to this podcast

masturbating you do it you do it don't stop carry on and one and two and one and two and chocky chocky chocky chocky chocky chocky

chocky chocky chocky chocky chocky or if you're a lady oh god that's the worst sound effect of the whole show yeah it is, actually. Anyway, we're playing Deal or No Fucking Deal. So I'm going to be Noel. Eli is playing the game.

And here's how we're going to judge this, right? So you are not playing against me because it'll just take too long to do this twice. You are playing against a friend of ours, Joseph Wilson, who played it last night and walked away with an amount of money that I have written down on this piece of paper that you can't see, right?

It's above zero? It's above zero? It's above zero, because you can't have zero. The worst you can get is one penny, and the most you can get is a quarter of a million. Of course. There are 22 boxes, right? All you've got to do is whittle them all down to one box at the end, and you can either gamble on that, take what the banker offers for your box, or swap it with the remaining box. But ultimately, your box, no matter with the remaining box but ultimately your box

no matter which one you pick has to be Joe's score to win okay now I think he got a decent amount okay but it is just all luck really end of the day

yes so what's great about this board game version of Deal or No Deal is it comes with a big board where it comes with like 22 little red boxes nice little boxes

yeah that have the prices in they've all got the little money in it's 1p, 10p, 50p £1, £5, £10, £50, £100 £ 10 pound, 50 pound, 100 pound, 250 pound, 500 pound, 750 pound, 1,000, 3,000, 5,000, 10,000, 15,000, 20,000, 35,000, 50,000, 75,000, 100,000, and a quarter of a million pounds of boxes. So there's a price in each of those. And this is it. You just guess and eliminate.

So don't I get to pick six to begin with? No, you pick one. You pick five to begin with anyway. To get rid of instantly. Yeah. Right? But first of all, I need to tell everyone about this fucking awesome toy

that comes with the board game. Get the boxes, get the board. But you also get this little plastic black phone like you saw on the TV show that Noel would pretend to talk to the banker. But this is great because what happens is... He probably does talk to someone, doesn't he? Probably.

It's the producer saying, we fucking hate you, Noel. Tell him fourth grand and then out you fucking rot, Noel. And then Noel goes, the banker said he likes your dress. The banker reads the Daily Mail. Yeah. Anyway, what's great about this

is it has all the prices on it on buttons on this phone. So as you eliminate the boxes and the prices, you dial in and put it in. It is an auto banker. Auto banker. And so it will tell me what to offer you for your box throughout the game. Yes. That you can deal or no deal on. You can take the deal

or no deal on. Yeah. So, are you ready? I'm ready. So, I'm going to switch this little thing on and then the game begins. Okay? So here we go. On. It's time to play deal or no deal. It's deal or no deal. Will your chosen box contain £250,000 or just one penny? Good luck.

Are you ready? Where's my box? Well, this thing, you've got to pick your box first. From the 22, what box are you going to have? You've got 1 to 22. I want 17, please. You want 17? Well, there you go.

So number 17 now is on the table. Ready? It's going to be there for the whole game. So ultimately, right now, one at a time, because I've got to dial it in, remember, start eliminating boxes. Here we go. Which box is going to be your first one? 22.

So 22. Wait there, let me dial it in first. No, I'll have to reveal it. No, you don't reveal it. No, you show yourself it. Don't you fucking dare touch my boxes. I've got to do build up. Okay.

Right, so the first one is £100. I'm happy with that. Put that back in its place. £100. So I dial that in. 100 and enter. Okay, cool. Box number two.

You have to say it's gone. Oh, yeah. You do that bit then. Okay. Just put them down face down because otherwise it'll be a pain. So, £100. There we go. Yeah.

Right, next box, Eli. Give me the box you want me to open next, and I will reveal it to you. I'm going to go for number nine, please. Okay, number nine is the box you've chosen. Here we go. Careful. Number nine is one pound. Very well done.

You're eliminating. Let me put one pound in. There it is. One pound, isn't it? Yes, it is. One pound into the banking machine. Excellent. Okay, box number three.

Eli, what's it going to be? Well, it's unlucky for some. No. I'll go for 13. Okay, number 13 boxes. Here we go. What's behind number 13 box? Here we go.

It is 100 grand. Eli, a big number taken off the board quite early. So that's three boxes down. What are you going to do? Fucking unlucky for fucking me. Yeah, mate, 100 grand. We made a joke of it, but you are a loser. Right, another box.

Yeah, another box. It's number six. Number six. Okay, what's behind box number six? Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Opening the box and it is five grand. A big number, but not the biggest number.

Five grand. There. Let me type 5K into the machine. Excellent. Okay. Last box of this round. What are you going to do? Come on.

Number 14. Number 14. Reaching into number 14. This is your first five out of the way. Let's see how we go. And you have got, oh, you've lost 35 grand there. 35 grand lost. Entering it into the machine. Do I get a deal now? The phone's ringing. Okay. You have 20 seconds to decide. Right. it's offering you £7,509 for your box. No. You sure?

£7,500. That's what it thinks your box is worth. No deal. Thanks for the offer. 10 seconds. Thanks for the offer. No deal. You sure?

Fuck you, banker. No. No. Or no deal. What did you say? No deal. Then let's crack on Now you know We usually have 22 people

Around the table I'm going to fill in For all those 22 people Right now So here we go Pick your next box And I'm going to be A bunch of colourful characters

Around the deal or no deal table Oh there's Lisa I had my eye on you In the backstage area Yeah And then you told me You were married And there's no way

You'd even touch me No So What box number love? I hope it's blue Come on Lisa What number? In the backstage area. Yeah. And then he told me you were married and there's no way you'd even touch me. No. So. Yeah. What box number, love? I hope it's blue. Come on, Lisa. What number?

Give me a bluey. What number? You have to give me a big blue ball. Give me a fucking number first before I can be the character of Lucy. Number four, please, Lucy. All right. Let me have a look at number four for you. Do you hope it's blue?

Do you hope I've got blue balls? So, I'm very excited. I've got a good feeling about this box, Eli. I've got a really good feeling about it. Yeah, this is bullshit. Let's just have a little look at the box, shall we? Best of luck, Eli. Oh, it's £50.

Well played. Thanks, Lucy. Please reconsider dating me. I will not do that at all. £50, was it? I've got to come out of Lucy's character. All right, here we go. Next box.

Pick a box. Now, John, he shares a lot of interest with me. We like to go fishing. Does he? And we like to go dogging. Yeah. At car parks, don't we, John?

Yeah. So, I'll go for box number 10, please, John. John's got number 10. All right, then. All right. My, my, my, my. John, don't fuck me off, yeah?

You know we go back all the way. Don't fuck this up, yeah? We go all the way back. If you've got a red, yeah? You know we go back all the way. Don't fuck this up, yeah? We go all the way back. If you've got a red, yeah? I'll hold you personally responsible and hunt you down. Yeah, John? All right, well, best of luck to you.

Best of British. I voted leave. Here we go. It's 50 grand. Oh, you're fucking dead, mate. It's 50 grand. Oh, I fucked it. 50k gone. Oh, but fucked it. 50k gone.

Oh, but you still got the... Sorry, I'm Noel again. You still got 75 grand and quarter of a million still on the table somewhere, which is good. It means the big numbers are still in, right? So give us your next one. Give us your next choice. 18, please.

Right. And that is Marjorie. And now Marjorie is about to pop her clogs and I've convinced her to put me in her insurance so just keep it on the nice and down low Marjorie

well it's been delightful still on the wheel am I Marjorie yes of course you still see me on the Sundays don't you

oh come round Marjorie don't you worry you still give me your special treats don't you I'll give you the special rub down with the gloves the one fingered rub down still give me your special treats, don't you? I'll give you the special rub down. Yeah, you... With the gloves.

The one-fingered rub down you give me... With the gloves on. In my private place. Oh, my God. Anyway, let's have a look inside the box. Wanking a granny off. Here we go. Cheap show, everybody.

Right, here we... Here we go. Don't fucking... Don't... Oh, it's blue. One P. Oh, yes. One P. Give the banker some of that Here we go. Don't fucking... Don't... Oh, it's blue. It's 1p. Oh, yes. 1p.

Give the banker some of that and see what he smarmy ass says now. 1p. That's better than seven grand. Oh, it's ringing. Here we go. Whoa. You've got ten seconds. 6,705 pounds.

6,705 pounds is what you're offering. No. No deal. Or no deal. No deal you're offering. No deal. No deal. Alright, very brave chance. Let's carry on. Next box. Number 8. Dave, he's boring. Hello there, Eli.

I've been very excited waiting for you to choose me. I know usually I get chosen last, you see, but it's something about my personality which I don't quite understand. Puts people off. So I just want to, before I open the box, I want to just really tell

you that it means a lot to me today. It does, that you care so much. So best of Welsh to you, boy. Here we go. Before I open the box as well, I just want to tell you about my wee lad, Jammy Jam. Jammy Jam. Jammy Jam. Oh, really?

It's a funny name for a kid, Dave. Anyway, I've killed Jammy Jam. Oh, you've killed him. And what's inside the box? Show us the box. Here we go. It's £15,000. It's not going well, though.

£15,000 it is. Let's enter it in. £15,000. In. Next one, what are you going to do? Number five. Number five it is. Let's enter it in. £15,000 in. Next one, what are you going to do? Number five. Number five it is.

Who's five? It's Little Jenny. Alright, Little Jenny. Eh, eh. Oh, Eli. Yes, Little Jenny. I'm so little. I know, you're miniature.

This box is so big. I know, you might need a hand. I'm going to need a hand opening it. I'll come and give you a hand. No, no. Am I not allowed to touch it? No, you're miniature. This box is so big. I know, you might need a hand. I'm going to need a hand opening it. I'll come and give you a hand. No, no. Am I not allowed to touch it? No, you know why. Why? You know why.

Oh, okay. Anyway, box number five, Eli. Good luck to you and stay away. Here we go. It's 10p. That's better. 10p. I just need one more blue.

10p. I don't know why I'm getting a feeling about number 11. You've got a feeling about number 11, have you? That's interesting. That's okay. That's a good one, so I'm going to avoid that. Okay, all right. In that case, you've got a good number of boxes left.

I'm going to go for number 20, please. 20. Right. Gary. Well, lucky for number 20, please. Right. Gary. Well, lucky for you, my name's Gary and I'm going to open this box after telling this little bit of a joke for you. Here we go. Here we go. What do you call an igloo with no toilet?

I don't know. Bang out of fucking order. They should have one. Every modern home has one. Igloos are no exception. I thank you. I thank you. I fucking hate my life.

Right, here we go. Under the box, number 20. Come on, open open it and here we go it's 10 grand oh i'm so sorry i'm so sorry 10 grand i can't help you he's here the bank is here let's see what he has to say okay you have 20 seconds to decide 14 339 pounds is what the banker is now offering you for the contents of your box. £14,339. Is it the right time to do it? You've got 10 seconds. I think I'm going to take that.

Are you? Yeah. Are you really? Yes. Is it a deal or no deal? I'm going to deal. You're going to deal? I'm 14.

Remember, you are up against Joseph Wilson right now. I understand that, yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. Can I politely suggest you hang on? Just one more round. I'm going to hang on then.

Obviously, he's better than that. Yeah. Okay. Fine. Here we go. All right. So, pick your next boxes. Let's go for 3, 16 and 19, yeah?

Three. What's three? Quarter of a million. Okay, enter that. So that's that one done. Okay, so you can't win a quarter of a million now, but you could still beat Joe. What did I say, 16? Yeah, 16.

Next one. 750. 750 pounds goes in. Next one. What did I say? What do you mean? 19, I said. 19, yeah.

Remember, 11 was your good feeling. 20 grand. 20 grand. That's not too bad, though. 20 grand. You've still got 75 on the table. Oh, here we go. So he's offering you 4,985 quid.

No deal. No deal. No deal. 10 seconds. £4,985. Is it a deal or no deal? I've got to have a good round now, Paul. All right.

Good luck with you. Good luck with you. It's not as easy as it looks on TV. You know, when you're playing it for real, it's difficult. It just looks random, which is what it is. It is completely random. There's no formula to this. So, here we go. Next one.

Number one. What voice would you like? I don't care. Oh, very gracious to me, your son-in-law. It's 50p-ro. 50p, hoi! That was Scottish. Wait there, 50p. 50p or oh 50p and that was scottish wait there 50p 50p going in okay okay what's next number seven number seven

lucky for some lucky number seven let's find out if it's going to be lucky for you give me a blue are you okay give me the 75 grand don't want to see the 75 grand. It's five pound. It's five pound. That's excellent. One more in this round. Okay, one more. I do believe so, yeah. This is very exciting stuff.

Very tense in the studio, in the house of pickles right now. What are we doing? Number 15. No, 12. Number 12. Number 12, here we go. Best of luck to you, Eli, as I open up the box

and I reveal it's only a grand. Only a grand. So £1,000 there. I can delimitate that from the bank. Oh, the bank is ringing. What is he offering? Relax. You have 30 seconds to make your decision.

£11,026. Remember, the £75,000 is still there. You could have that in your box. This is the thing. This is the last punch now. This is the last punch through. You'll know in this round if it's going to be £75,000 or not. I think I'm just going to have to go for it.

Is it a deal or no deal? No deal. 10 seconds. I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, mate. Last chance. Is it a deal or no deal? No deal. Ten seconds. I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, mate. Last chance. Is it a deal or no deal? Banana Man.

That's what I'm thinking about. Right, Banana Man. You want to know my thoughts? Yeah, Banana Man. So the last elimination round. Here we go. Very exciting in the House of Pickles

TV centre today for our TV board game quiz show challenge. I nearly said that. Let's show challenge. I nearly said that. Let's do it. I nearly said that, right. Ready, where are we going? Where are we going?

So I said I had a good feeling about 11. Yeah. But is it a good feeling to trade in now or is it one we're going to hold on to? And I've got a very good feeling about two for some reason as well. All right. So let's go for 15.

We're going for 15, ladies and gentlemen. Let's have a little look inside this box. Don't break my heart. I wish you could see Eli's face. Don't break my heart. £10. Come on. He's really getting into it, ladies and gentlemen.

£10. I'm entering £10 into the machine right now, into the bank. Okay, there are now two, three more. I've changed my mind about number two. Oh, you've changed your mind? I think it's bad. This is really exciting stuff. Let's go for number two.

Number two. Now, you've still got 75 grand on the table. You've still got three grand. There's 250, 500 pounds. They're all in play right now. Then it's over. It is pretty much over, but you could still beat Joe's score, remember?

Remember, you're fighting Joe, because Joe's got his written down. If your box is worth your box where it's worth more no I didn't I just said maybe you want to stick in I'm just saying you wanted to stick in also I love seeing you suffer like this and this is the most satisfying I've ever had playing this game with anyone because not only are you going to lose against me against the show but also your Joe will beat you and so that's kind of satisfying as well weird yeah I am weird. Yeah, I am. I'm a puppet master. Anyway, here we go. I've minced it out long enough.

Let's have a little look. Oh, my God. It's £3,000. Okay. So, there you go. 3K coming off the board. Right. And there are now three more boxes in play.

One of these boxes has £75,000 in it. I just don't believe it's in 21. Open 21. Oh, he's got into duck and cover mode. I can't bear it. It's £500. It's £500. Come on. So that means... So I said 11, didn't I? £500 entering into the machine. Oh, it's the banker's last time. Hello, banker. You've got 10 seconds. He's offering you in 10 seconds £37,625. Yeah?

Yeah. What? I mean, come on. I'm taking that. £36,000. How much did I say it was? £36,000? Because it's gone off now. £335,000. Can't did I say it was? £36,000? Because it's gone off now. £335,000. It was £37,000. No, it was £37,000.

Can't you get him to do it again? No, because I didn't write it down quickly enough. But it's £37,335. That's what I've written down. If it's anywhere close, it's still going to be... So are you going to take that amount of money for what's in your box? I certainly am, yes. Because you do know you can also swap with £11,000 at this point in the game.

No, I want to take the deal. So you're going to take the deal. You're going to walk away with £37,000. I think that's alright. Yeah? Not a bad number. It's my best deal so far.

It's not a bad number at all. It's kind of nudging into life changing. Okay, so now you're going to walk away without looking at the boxes. So we'll see what was in 11. Here we go.

I think this is the £75,000 in there. In number 11 it is £75,000. Shit, should have gone with me. Which means in your box, the one you own throughout the show,

you had 250 pounds. I knew. It was 11. I knew, man. I'd gone with my... I swapped it. I could have swapped it. You could have swapped it, mate. You would have had 70,000 grand.

But is it good enough to beat Joseph Wilson, friend of the show, and a close lover of Eli Silverman? I've written it down on this pad at the beginning of the show. a close lover of Eli Silverman I've written it down on this pad at the beginning of the show I wrote down Joe's what Joe

walked away with so you have won and again I forgot what it was but I hope it's not too far away from it's 37 yeah it's 37,000 definitely

let's say 335 pound for the details right okay can you read out to me what Joe won in his box?

£47,155. That's how much he won last night playing the game against the banker. So unfortunately, Eli, very well played, but we're ending the show with you eating another bean. So here we go.

And you just farted, didn't you? No, I didn't. You just farted. I could smell it. I definitely fart smell in here. And you just farted, didn't you? You just farted. No, I didn't. I could smell it. I definitely fart smell in here. I didn't fart. I mean, maybe it's one of the nocturnal emissions from the house of pickles. Maybe it's a gas pocket in here.

You might have disturbed some kind of old... I might have done, because there's one of the old gods who is... The unnameable ones. The unnameable ones to lurk around. How can you not smell that? It smells like a thousand farts at once. Maybe it's... I don't know what to tell you. I haven't farted. Okay. Anyway.

Pick a bean. I'm having a burn. Pick a bean. Burn your beans. Damn your beans. Yes. What colour? Yellow-ish. So it's either going to be... It's going to be rotten egg or buttered popcorn, or it'll be mouldy cheese or caramel corn.

It's one of those four. Four, okay. Oh, that's buttered popcorn. Oh, for fuck's sake! Or caramel corn, that is. Mmm, that's tasty. Try another one. I'm not doing this until I get a gross one.

Do that one. I'll do the other one there's another one left let's see which one gets the button which one gets the mouldy cheese I got

I got mouldy cheese oh god oh god oh no that's actually that's nice it's not mine's nice it's not

I got that's buttered popcorn again I got so at the conclusion It's not. Mine's nice. It's not. I got, that's buttered popcorn again, I got. So, at the conclusion of the game show, stop. You have one of these. I'm not eating anymore. That's either pear or snot. I'm not eating it.

Pear or snot, we're doing this. Pear or snot, right? This is the last one. Yeah, pear or snot. Oh. I got pear. You got snot yeah that's it Paul you can't win

you're cursed I got pear was that snot yeah sorry Paul you had a real bad run of luck with the beans so

I'm not having any more what's that one tutti frutti or what you don't eat it I won't let the system beat me tutti frutti or what you don't eat it I won't let the system beat me tutti frutti or peach is it

no it's is it what I don't know what this is put it in my mouth oh tutti frutti

well done Paul that's a nice one that's all I need so at the conclusion of our game show special ladies and gentlemen

yes Paul you've come out on top I kind of I didn't really it was in this one at all I need. So, at the conclusion of our game show special, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Paul, you've come out on top. I kind of. I didn't really... It was in this one. It was against Joe, really. Okay, so we won one each. And then Joe won one.

Yeah, Joe won one. So there we go. We've had lots of fun. We've had a load of fun. Lovely time on our second semi-annual TV board game charity shop quiz show special. Did you have fun?

I had a great time, especially like the darts. Well, me and you, we'll play darts after the show. Okay. Anyway, thank you for listening, everybody. Stick around because after the advert break,

we've got a brand new episode of the Review Review. Say goodbye, Eli. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. everybody. Bye! Bye! Bye! And Paul and Ellie will be back next week with more poor gags, painfully dodgy political opinions and violent bouts of shouting. They really should be ashamed.

Anyway, coming up after the break, The Review Review. Use it as well, oh what fun we'll have Squeeze it on and off we go, passion twice a day It's good for teeth as we all know, how we love the taste It's from Colgate, we can tell, who believes such fun Who's doing lots of good as well Colgate's new blue minty gel, you'll love it Nobody's working harder than Colgate for zero fillings Don't forget, we have the Krypton Factor on the way, but first, zone out to the pretentious

musings of the Review Review. I'm Mark, that's it, I'm just called Mark. Tonight we'll be reviewing a new play, Horse Teeth. Tonight, we'll be reviewing a new play, Horse Teeth. It's a damning indictment of civil right movement activists and also features tulips. Then we'll be moving on to the new film from Ryan, just Ryan, that's his name. And that's called Mary Has a Droopy Ear, and it's about disability in rural communities in Connecticut. And my guest tonight to help me review these new plays and movies is Irish poet and all-round good egg, Henry McFarty.

Hello, dear. Thank you for having me on the show. No, it's my pleasure. Looking forward to reviewing things in a very sarcastic and offhand manner. Now, have you seen the play? Yes, I did enjoy Horse Teeth quite a bit. I thought it was very bleak. I thought it was very bleak and very depressing. Full of horrible people doing horrible things.

I won't lie to you. Yes. I loved it. You loved it. I loved it so much I went out into the foyer during the interval. Yeah. And I obviously had to masturbate. You jacked it? I had to jack it, I did. You had to jack it hard. I jacked it hard and then once my admissions were... How hard? How hard?

Mr McFarty. Well, you know... Exactly how hard. I gave myself a blood blister on my penis, if that's what you mean. That's not what I meant, but that's good. Is that hard enough for you? Yes. Good. So I came back in and I was quite emotionally drained after the interval emission.

And so I guess you could call that an inter-emission. you could call that an inter-emission. Fuck it, that'll do it.