CheapShow - Ep 408: Live At The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2024

Starting point is 00:00:00 Fuckin' every time! Right, is this? Right. Anyway, this is the show. Okay, is this on? Yes. Why, why this on? Yes. Why no sound? We just had it working and now clicker don't work. Hang on! Wait! Right, right. Shut up, that never happened.

Starting point is 00:00:45 No way, this is a professional fucking operation. Right, three, two. Right, get ready, it's time to start the show. I'm going to make a brief announcement before we... Oh, I wish you wouldn't, Paul. Yeah, but... I Yeah, where are we? Where are we what professionally in our lives in the story of this bit? We're doing this so cold live cold open Where are we residing? We're back. We're back. We're pretending to be backstage. Why are we broadcasting to them? Are we like the MC? Yeah, getting people to settle down and get ready. That was never made clear to me. It was never made clear to me

Starting point is 00:01:21 Yes. Getting people to settle down and get ready for the show. Well, that was never made clear to me. It was never made clear to me. Shut up. Ahem. Oh, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show Live at the Cheerful Earful Podcast 2024. Whee!

Starting point is 00:01:34 Now, before we get going, it's worth noting for you to turn your phones off or put them on silent. Why? Because I don't like it and no one else does. They're going to have to have their phones on when they fact check you. Fact check you. Ah! Fact check you.

Starting point is 00:01:50 Right. Ooh! The hatred already. And yes you are. Right, and also this podcast is going to have loads of bad words in it. Like what? Like, like, fuck. Well, this has gone well. Oh, this hasn't gone well.

Starting point is 00:02:03 All of these are awful and you're're awful, and we're awful, and this show is awful. So let's just start this awful show and go home, all right? Start the show and go home? What, start it and then go home? Yeah, start it. Get it going. Haven't we started it already? Get it going and then fuck off.

Starting point is 00:02:17 Just leave it to them to do. Who? The guests. Who we got guesting? We're not doing this now. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. It's live, it's happening, it's now. Here we come. Press the fucking credits. APPLAUSE Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, or, Gannon, Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:02:48 Sources and words and phrases. Two things I am responsible for. Chodney, Chodney Borough. I hate you. You're fucking usual posse. Cheap Show tonight. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Posse It's the price of shame Welcome to cheap show I Cheap Show. I shouldn't have used the one minute version of that song. I should have used the 15 second one.

Starting point is 00:03:35 Fuck, not all this. I thought we'd do Daft Punk on a budget. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show Live! Pick a mic up then, knobhead! Welcome to Cheap Show Live! Oh. Pick a mic up then, knobhead! How fucking hard is it to look at the five microphones? And pick one up and say, Hello everybody, I'm Eli Silverman, an unprofessional bellend. Hello.

Starting point is 00:04:04 SAY SOMETHING! Hello. Say something! This is not fucking the slowest, fattest, magic mic show! Turn it off! Cheap Show is the economy comedy podcast where weekly we go from the bargain bin to charity shops to the pile man to Great Britain to find the fun of the fuel. Hi everyone. No! CHEERING Not in the middle of the...

Starting point is 00:04:33 A little bit out of breath there, Paul. Look, there's a picture of a willy. There's a willy picture. What does that say? Chonk. Chonk. LAUGHS Chonk. That's it! That's right! Chonk! That's right!

Starting point is 00:04:44 No, that's great. I love our legacy, it's the word chonk. Ionk. Chonk. That's it! That's right! Chonk! That's right! No, that's great. I love our legacy is the word chonk. I like when people go, oh, what was that podcast you liked? The chonk one. Listen, most podcasts don't have a word like chonk. We've got several. Go on. Borough. Chodney. Exactly! Spangles. No, not inventing stuff.

Starting point is 00:05:04 Spangles are a real word. Cockabonkers. Great fight in Roger's territory. Anyway, I welcome to the show so tonight on the show we are going to be picking two wonderful comedians against one another in a cheap show Battle Royale as they do their bit. I'm out of fucking breath. I, every single time it's the same. You really. Yeah, no why, it's because I put effort into things. I come on, I gave it the full beans. As, oh hello.

Starting point is 00:05:34 Hello. It's known as a measured gratification. What is? Look, it's basically, imagine, right? You're a little child, there's a cookie. Right. You've been told there's lots more cookies later. You just,, right, you're a little child, there's a cookie. Right. You've been told there's lots more cookies later, you just, we'll leave you for a minute. What's going on?

Starting point is 00:05:51 Seriously, what's going on? You've taken the cookie. I haven't touched the cookie. You fucking have! What cookie? The metaphorical cookie, Paul. Yeah, and I can't see metaphorical cookies. That's what I mean, you spunk it.

Starting point is 00:06:05 Oh, you always do this at the beginning of the show. That's why you're out of breath. I've got, look, I've got plenty energy today. What's this? Look at this. Yay! Fucking look at this. Come on, bring the fucking guests on.

Starting point is 00:06:20 Wait, wait, wait. Calm your horses. Ooh, I'm ready, baby! Cello splash! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, thank you all for coming, but I do hate myself and this show. So, you know. So, yes, we're going to put two brilliant comedians

Starting point is 00:06:41 that have been on the podcast before against each other in a cheap show battle royale We go through loads of rounds and there will be a big finale. Isn't that right? There is an incredible finale plant Well, we could say But it's been long coming Do you make a joke about the word? No, I'd like to say one thing though. Yeah? Imagine you were christened Van Hire. Like, my name is Heimlich Van Hire. Another thought that occurred to me today.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Oh, that's it, that's the thought. I thought that was gonna go somewhere like, oh, if his first name was Bedford. Do you remember Timotet? Do I, what is this, a Peter Kay set? Do you remember Timotet? It said take two bottles into the chal... No, that was Head and Shoulders. Sorry. So you don you remember Timotet? It said take two bottles into the shower. No, that was Head and Shoulders.

Starting point is 00:07:26 Sorry. So you don't remember Timotet? Head and Shoulders. Yeah. It goes, ooh, take two bottles into the shower? As if that was shameful. I don't fucking care. I'm sorry, is it 1992 and you're doing a standup set?

Starting point is 00:07:40 I can take two, I can handle two bottles. I didn't get Impulse, you know the spray? Yes. The advert like, men can't help acting on impulse. And I'm like, there's something dodgy about that statement. It was women who couldn't help acting on impulse. No, men couldn't help acting on impulse. Oh, and then they get the flowers, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:00 Yes, they call it the Cosby routine these days. I could have done P. Diddy, but I don't know too much about that. Anyway, all dirty bastards. Right, should we get the show? I'm so... I am caked in a layer of my own innards. I could have phrased that better, yes. Alright, well done. What?

Starting point is 00:08:24 Good night! Right, should done. What? Good night. Right, should we get off? Well, it's time to get our guests on. Now, our first guest is, in the past we've called him a fair weather co-host. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that laugh basically said everything I needed to. But, you know, he has-

Starting point is 00:08:42 Infrequent, I think the word is infrequent. Infrequent, and then he's been in about five of the 400 episodes we've done. He's a big name in cheap show lore. Everybody. Is he? Yeah. Yeah he hacked your, he cut your arm off once. That's true. He went murderous. He murdered a Biffo. He murdered a Biffo. Yeah he's been a character hasn't he? So let's get him on stage ladies and gentlemen please welcome fairweather co-host Ash Frith! Grab a mic mate, grab a mic. Alright, two bottles into the shower was wash and go, not head and shoulders. Ah, you total prick! Yeah, but you're a fucking total prick for not getting either.

Starting point is 00:09:29 Head and shoulders was that thing where he's like, oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Would you like some? That was the advert. Salt bae. And that's the worst thing you've ever said. Secondly, he said the Van Hyre thing and you offered up Heimlich Van Hyre, which isn't like Laurie Van Hyre would have worked because that's an actual name.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Okay, you can fuck off now. I'm getting something now. Heimlich Van Hyre, he could be a Austrian superhero. Could he? Yeah, Strudel, he could have a strudel cannon. I think that- He needs britches. No one needs me here.

Starting point is 00:10:10 I think you've moved away from the Van Hyre part of the aspect of the joke. No, it's just an Austrian word that sounds like Van Hyre in English. Van Hyre might not be an Austrian word though. It's two English words that you've chosen to hyphenate. What about chum grape?

Starting point is 00:10:29 Yeah, bang on it, bang on it. Yeah, he's Austrian. Heimlich chum grape, that works actually. You've put it together. You've pieced it together. What's coming up on the show, Paul? What? We haven't gotten there yet.

Starting point is 00:10:41 I'm just trying to move it on. We haven't gotten there yet. Oh, you've lost something? I've lost my clicker. Oh, it's been... When I turned up to the venue, Paul was running around. I thought he might be a ghost because he looked directly through me and I couldn't actually track him down and stop him. I was like, Paul, Paul, Paul!

Starting point is 00:10:58 And then you just left me and then Eli turned up. I thought you might have died and been a ghost. No, I just ignore the little people along the way, don I oh fuck off this isn't a panther we're not doing this again I get I get it I'm the bad guy in this it's fine I don't need to hear it back from you I don't want to like set you like put you off poor at all but when I said when are the people in, he referred to you as scum. No, no, I, awful scum. Awful scum, awful scum.

Starting point is 00:11:31 No, Ash, today you are going to be our score master. Thank you. You have a, tell them how important the job is. Ash, it's very important that you do this accurately. Lives are on the line. Are they? Yeah. Whose? Ours, professionally.

Starting point is 00:11:46 Yeah. Wow. Our professional careers are all based on your numeric skills. Paul genuinely messaged me this week and said, you have to take this seriously. I do, you do. Which I just don't believe.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Does he not understand the power of Pertwing? Mate, you are holding the Pertwings in your folded wings. I've heard the podcast. Don't you worry about that. You have, in your veiny, bat-like, membranous wings. You nestle. You will be nestling metaphorical petwings within your bat-like, veiny wings. I don't know about this anymore.

Starting point is 00:12:20 Too late, mate. You're on stage now. So I've given you a pen. There's some paper there. You're going to be making notes now. Did anyone see him give me a pen? I gave you it backstage. I bought my own pen. Don't say it's your own pen, you're lying tosspot. I gave you that and you can write on the back of that, that's got... You haven't given me paper! That's the order of the show. That's the paper, use the back of it. So I hold it like this? Oh yes, come on behave. I will orally castrate you if you don't behave.

Starting point is 00:12:54 It's alright. I got it. Just give the fucking point. I got it for you. Why have you drawn a picture of tits? To see a pair. Paul, I don't think we need the person pumping steam in. What's going on with this?

Starting point is 00:13:10 I think it might be my sweat evaporating. There's people in this room that have never heard this podcast before and they are sick. Out of interest, is there anyone here today who has never heard Cheap Show before and just come because they wanted to? I saw... Poor you. Genuinely, you don't need to ask. I can look into their eyes and already know. I literally saw the, what the fuck's this looking at? This guy here has said sorry to the person next to him eight times since I've been on stage.

Starting point is 00:13:39 That sounds not right. Like literally, I'm sorry. And he went, we can go whenever you want. No, no, no, you can't. Just say out loud, I'm off to the toilet. And he went, we can go whenever you want. No, no, no, you can't just say out loud, I'm off to the toilet and then never come back. No one would ever do that during a show, would they? Especially, you know, like five minutes in. A lot of people don't understand anti-comedy bits that you... Anti-comedy bits is what you call your droppings.

Starting point is 00:14:07 Right. Oh, this is my anti-comedy bits is what you call your droppings. Right. Oh, there's my anti-comedy bits. Well, look, I'll just reassure everyone. Yeah. Downstairs, bum bum, uptight. Uptight? Downstairs, bum bum, uptight. Clean as a whistle.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Can't make a note of that. Do you remember that Asmode song with the same title? Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Clean Bruno Mars did it. Yeah. Clean as a whistle. I can attest, I was in the dressing room with Eli,

Starting point is 00:14:32 I saw it, absolutely spotless to be fair. Gleaming. I was winking at him in the mirror. Right, sit down. He backed up and actually got stuck onto it like a Garfield tie. Now, Ash, sit down. Sit down, we need to

Starting point is 00:14:45 get the show going. We can't talk about your winking arsehole all night. Why is it so hot? Because it's hot in here. It's meant to be winter time. Shut up. Right so we got our score master now we need our contestants so let's bring on our first. He's been in quite a few episodes he's been in the Golden Quest III. He's been in the awards show. He was in Eurovision. I don't know, he's been in loads of stuff, but he's here again now tonight. Please welcome actor, comedian, and all-round sex man,

Starting point is 00:15:14 Ethan Lawrence! I came on the wrong side really because the mic was here. How you doing Gov? You alright? I'm good. How are you Paul? I mean I look like shit. Yeah. It's been a while since we've seen you.

Starting point is 00:15:34 What have you been up to since we last met? I did a horrible science. That's exciting isn't it boys and girls? Wait, you did a horrible science, what like eugenics? Yes, I've pivoted. The acting wasn't working out, so you've gone to eugenics. I'm into gene splicing now. Ah, ah, ah.

Starting point is 00:15:53 Don't know what that sound was. That was very Rick Mayall. It wasn't Rick Mayall. No, we all know what that noise was. What? We all know what that noise was you just made. Yes, I know. It was Jimmy Savile everyone.

Starting point is 00:16:08 So glad I came on during this. So horrible science is like horrible history but with science. Yeah you summed it up. That's the pitch. And what kind of characters have you been? I was Alan Turing. I did Alan Turing. I thought you meant the footballer for a minute, like Harry Shearer.

Starting point is 00:16:25 I did, uh, Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the internet. Without which, there'd be no cheap show, you're welcome. So it's a kind of a poison chalice, isn't it, that one? Yeah, very much so. Just a little bit of that. I did, I really, really resisted it, but you know, it's... Well, it's good to have you back on the show. It's good to be back.

Starting point is 00:16:41 It's good to be having you back. And we're live, we're live! CHEERING Horrible science, is that like nuclear bombs? back on the show. It's good to be back. It's good to be back. And we're live! We're live! Horrible science. Is that like nuclear bombs? Just don't. Okay. So, what charity shop item did you bring to show off as your introduction today? Okay, you didn't tell me to bring one. You said you were going to send an email to us. I did, I got emailed.

Starting point is 00:17:09 Do you know what, I'm actually going to get the email up now. You sent an email to him? I did. I know you're doing a bit, but I'm going to get the email up now. No, yeah, we're doing a bit, so confirm this please. No, I've sent it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, here we go. It's not a bit.

Starting point is 00:17:18 Here we go. Basically, as before, you don't need to prep anything just the one time. Yeah, but then there's one for me. There should be one for him that says to bring an item. Hang on I'll check my junk. Viagra Cialis. I'm just checking your junk. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:17:35 Don't do that. Talk about horrible science. Oh here we go. Yep yep yep nope nope. You were redirected to my junk. As per, that's what she said. I got a head rush. So have you brought an item?

Starting point is 00:17:43 No. Okay well there we go. No, you were redirected to my junk. As per, that's what she said. I got a head rush. No, have you brought an item? No. Okay, well then we'll have to just skip that. Well, do you want, I've got a... No, it's fine. I've got my parking receipt.

Starting point is 00:17:54 It's fine, we need to get on with the show anyway. Thanks for... Sit down. Sit down. We'll give you the money for that. Oh, thanks mate. He will give you the money for that. It's five pounds.

Starting point is 00:18:03 I have terrible wind. He will give you the money for that. It's five pounds. I have terrible wind. Right. And now I shouldn't really go I've got terrible wind and then bring on our next guest. That's horrible science. Heyo! It covers so much, doesn't it, horrible science? I had horrible jostulation deep down.

Starting point is 00:18:24 Oh mate, are you going to be the one who puts yourself? I'm not tagging you out on that. Anyway, our next guest, been on the show many times, fantastic singer, fantastic actor, fantastic all-around human being. You've seen her, we've seen her, let's see her again. Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest to round out the Cheap Show show, it's Suze Kempner!

Starting point is 00:18:47 Suze Kempner everybody! Thanks! Hi, hi! Hey, whoa, no way! So I was going to say, what thing did you bring for Cheap Show, but I'm presuming you did. Ha ha ha ha! This and these. Charity Shop. Someone's doing well. You haven't done fashion on Cheap Show before. I got this yesterday in a charity shop. Again we haven't done fashion on Cheap Show before. It was a three quid reduced from seven pounds seventy five. What the hell? What mad people were turning down that at 7.75, Eli? Well, it's a long list. What were you doing anyway? I haven't seen you in a while.

Starting point is 00:19:30 I know, it's been a while. I'm alright. We're all alive and everything's fantastic. Paul, what are you doing? That sounds like self-denial. What are you doing? I want to get a viewpoint. Of what? The guest. He said he's got terrible wind and you've just gone... Yeah, I know. He was clearly shaking one out that entire time. You'll get a mouthful of arse meat if you're not careful.

Starting point is 00:19:55 Oh dear. Yeah. So, right, okay. First of all... First of all... Tell me some of the amazing things you've got on eBay in fashion because we've always seen this and you go, oh, I've got a Ralph Lauren hat. That wasn't a hat.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Right. I really wanted a cool trouser suit. Basically, I'd start, this is five years ago and I've never got over it. I started re-reading Julie Cooper again because I'm, ah, brilliant. She's back in the news, so I don't look like a weirdo anymore. Why is she in the news? Because she's got a new show out. She's not Pido or anything.

Starting point is 00:20:27 Give it time. She's just got a new show out. Anyway, someone said they were wearing a silk trouser suit, and I thought, oh, that would be nice to have. And I found a Ralph Lauren one on eBay, and it was so nice that I went, right, it was on at 99p with a week to go. I put a bid on of, no, it was on at 9.99. I put a bid on of, no it was on at 9.99. I put a bid on 400 pounds,

Starting point is 00:20:47 because I was like, this will be a perfect item, it'll last me forever. I can have it tailored to fit me perfectly. This will be like the best item in my wardrobe. I won it for 9 pounds 99. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:21:02 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:21:08 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:21:15 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:21:21 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! No problem, son. Well, welcome to the show. Thanks. We both hope that you both have a lovely time tonight, and indeed everyone here has a lovely time tonight. Good luck, guys. Good luck. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:21:34 Why are you so much friendlier to the other people than me, though? Why am I on my own? You need to concentrate on getting the scores right. Are you observing? But just be kind. No. How can you listen to 400 episodes of this stupid fucking podcast and say But just be kind. No. How can you listen to 400 episodes of this stupid fucking podcast and say,

Starting point is 00:21:48 just be kind. Oh yeah. You certainly never kind, are you? Prick. Point of order as well. Yes. It's not tonight, it's half one in the afternoon. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:58 But mentally, it's half one in the afternoon. It's nighttime in my head. Mentally, it's the afternoon. Depression. Be a good chap. So here's what's gonna go on. We have got four rounds of cheap show for you to play tonight.

Starting point is 00:22:10 Four rounds? That could lead to a tie. It's not tonight. That's right, stop saying tonight. Today, today you'll be playing four rounds of cheap show. What's gonna happen is within those rounds, you will be earning potwings. The most potwings won in that round wins you the round.

Starting point is 00:22:24 For every round you win, it will benefit. Yes it is, don't you dare. Don't you dare. I've got this right. Calm, calm, calm, calm. If you remember, as per our discussion, they are not per twings. They get one symbolic per twing if they win the round.

Starting point is 00:22:42 The points in the round are not Pertwings. They aren't points. What about in Price of Shire, are they Pertwings? Huh? If we're doing Price of Shire, are those Pertwings? No, they're not real Pertwings. What? It's a special version of the show.

Starting point is 00:22:57 Yeah, but in Price of, I get that for like the rounds. I understand that. But in Price of Shire, surely they're actual Pertwings. No, that's not, talk to the boss, cause I mean, you know. Paul, Paul! What? Oh my God. They're booing, salvage this!

Starting point is 00:23:10 I don't think the podcast is going very well. Right, no. It would have been stupid to have arranged this beforehand. Right. Right, I got it. Oi! In each game, you will earn betwings. The most betwings earned in the game will win you the round.

Starting point is 00:23:24 However many rounds you win will depend on what happens in the finale, but are the betwings real or are they simple? No, they're not he's being a dick We you'll be I'll tell you why you're being a dick pool I'll tell you why you want me to tell you I will show can't be Can't just be us talking about pft wings for 90 minutes. Then settle it, settle the argument. Let me clear it up then. Manage, you're a manager, manage.

Starting point is 00:23:50 I'm gonna slap my belly in a minute. No. I'm gonna slap it. No. I will slap my fucking belly raw. Don't start slapping your belly raw. Slapping your belly raw. You should have seen him, don't, honestly.

Starting point is 00:24:01 But before the show, he had to kneel down and he got up and he went, oh, I'm 46. You should have seen him down there. But before the show, he had to kneel down and he got up and he went, Oh, I'm 46. Age is a cruel fucking mix. It was really sad. I didn't like seeing it. No one likes seeing it. It's like seeing Santa die, isn't it? I was like, this man was my hero and now I found out he's 46.

Starting point is 00:24:23 And meanwhile, other side of the room, Eli's got his ass out in the mirror. Yeah, but that was good. It's quite a green room. Quite a green room. Now, we've gotta get on. Brown room. We've gotta get on, mate.

Starting point is 00:24:34 Eli, get on. Can I just, I just need to clear this up. Go, do it. You'll be playing against each other four rounds. Yeah. Within the rounds, you score points. Between. No.

Starting point is 00:24:43 In price of shite, though. And if you win a round overall, that's a between, is that right? Within the round, you score points. Pertweens. No. In Price of Shite though. And if you win a round overall, that's a pertween, is that right? Why are you saying I'm going to tell them and then turn to me and say is that right? When I was saying what I thought was right to them, you know what, let's just fucking crack on because I'm not doing the pertween conversation for 90 minutes. I don't want the legacy of this to be you stabbed me in the temple because we fell out over pertweens, alright? Can we just move on? Are they real or symbolic? I don't the legacy of this to be you stabbed me in the temple because we fell out over petwings

Starting point is 00:25:05 All right, can we just move on? Are they real or symbolic? Oh, they're real They're real just say they're real. They're real. Nice Everybody gets a petwing. You've got to get the people what they want. You've got a petwing under your seat You've all got a Pertwing under your seat. You get the Pertwing, you get the Pertwing. Without any further ado, we've got an hour left. What do you mean without any further ado? We're 40 minutes in. We're not, we're 20. We started at about quarter past. Shut up. The first round is the Price and Share.

Starting point is 00:25:46 We're going to do it, alright? I'm going to lead and you know where to come in at the end, alright? Fine. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right! And that's right.

Starting point is 00:26:01 Avett, aw! Oh no! Oh no! I can't think of anywhere to mention this but I did get some slippers that were Harris Tweed. Yeah? And they were £10. Box fresh. Yes, Eli! That's the perfect time to mention this.

Starting point is 00:26:16 Thank you. Right, so, here's the game. Have you torn your groin, Paul? Are you alright? What's going on with you? I don't know. I'm over-exerting myself past the point, I'm over-exerting myself past the point. Yeah, it's not even for the stage either, you're a bit weird downstairs.

Starting point is 00:26:30 I've got issues. Down under this, not like... I've got... we've got issues. But that also has not happened. That was a bit weird. Ash, are you paying attention Ash? You need to pay attention. Please, keep paying attention please.

Starting point is 00:26:41 Always pay attention Ash. Right, so, we have five items for you. Five items. Five items, and these five items have been taken from cheap shows over the past 100 episodes. Ooh. Because it was easier for me that way. All you gotta do is whoever gets the closest

Starting point is 00:27:00 to the right price will get the Pertwing for that item. Whoever gets the most Pert most between wins the round. Does that make sense? That's not how priceless shite works. Yes, Mr. Frith, you can talk. Does that make sense to you? No. So the closest gets a point.

Starting point is 00:27:15 You get the point. No. Oh, I can't do this. I'll take over. Back or brain, back or brain, back or brain this time. What's hurting? The closest, whoever gets the closest gets a point. You need to mark down whoever gets the closest to that.

Starting point is 00:27:31 All right, okay? Okay? Is that okay? Is that okay? Is that okay? If you know what's good for you, okay. Right, so. Okay. I'm just gonna get on with the show. Whether you wanna catch up with me or not, it's up to you. Okay. Right. So. Okay. I'm just gonna get on with the show. That's the best thing

Starting point is 00:27:46 that's ever happened. Whether you want to catch up with me or not, it's up to you. Come on, let's see the first item. Here's the first item for you to guess the price of tonight. It's this one. Oh. Eli, tell us a little bit about this. This is the snowboarding egg man, egg holder and spoon. What's the hammer for? Oh, hit the egg and smash it. This is rubberised. Why? It's very important. Why?

Starting point is 00:28:11 I don't know. Because you can literally twang it on the egg. You put the egg in there, twang that over, you've got a spoon ready. Just use the spoon. Yeah, you could just use a spoon. It seems like extra work to use a hammer. It's fun. Is it?

Starting point is 00:28:24 Yeah, it's like play food. Tw oh did the handers you pull it back this way bang I didn't know I didn't know it had action but twanging actually yeah like separate it's like a no it's connected you pull it back this way but twang oh do you know what that is twang I think that's quite cool anyway where did you get it from I got it from Mined in Camden. Mined in Camden. Which has got a high funk level. It had a trunche of badges.

Starting point is 00:28:49 High funk level? Did you say it has a high funk level? No, funk. Funk level. That's still none the wiser. Yeah, no, I'm still don't know what high funk level is. Well, it's a theory that we've been developing here on Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:29:01 Right. Every charity shop has a level of funk. The funk is like, I mean the one around the corner for me, maybe this will demonstrate it. They actually have like face cream that's been half used at their service. Oh, that kind of funk. That's the funk. That's disgusting. Everyone put this on and ruin your face. Also if the charity shop has pets like a cat, high funk level. Wow, where I got this?

Starting point is 00:29:28 I like stinky cat piss funk level. No, I like that. There's a heavy cat piss funk coming off this thing. Right about now, heavy cat piss funk. Right, how many people are looking at the reflection of Eli in the top of the spoon, by the way, just... checking his trousers are on? I can't see it maybe we'll never know right we'll start with Suze how much do you think that egg

Starting point is 00:29:53 cup is? A thousand pounds. I think one pound fifty. One pound fifty. One pound fifty downze, for Ed Cupp. I'm not doing points, I'm writing down £1.50. Just write £1, yeah, that's fine. Ethan, how much do you think this is? I've been stimmy'd by the order because I was also going to say £1.50, but I'm going to make it interesting for the live show. Okay. You say £1.75. £1.75.

Starting point is 00:30:19 Hey. Right, so Ethan says £1.75. £1.50 says Suze. The price is... Oh! He hasn't got it. Oh, I forgot about the snowboard. Keep going. £5!

Starting point is 00:30:38 What? What? £5? Wow. £5? That's what you said. It's brand new. Fuck! No it's not brand new. That's spoon. That is from the 80s.

Starting point is 00:30:49 That's blinded a child and they've put it in the charity shop so they can forget. Fuck off! Five pounds! Fuck you, mind. Anyway, Ethan gets the point. Can I just say one thing? Ethan, you get the point there. Well done.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Yay! I don't feel I deserve it. I am never shopping at Mind again. They are charlatans. That spoon, that spoon. Fuck you, Mind. That spoon isn't just a random spoon. That spoon is made by the people who made the whole thing. So I mean, it's like a complete.

Starting point is 00:31:16 I don't give a shit, mate. I don't know who made the whole thing. Look at it. That is one pound 50. And that's generous. Next item. I saw you coming a mile off, mate. They must have been like, next item. I saw you coming a mile off mate. Next item!

Starting point is 00:31:25 I bet that I've been there for fifteen years. Oh it's fun, there's discussion, we're playing off each other. This is why I don't like doing feature live. You can get half a Ralph Lauren suit for that. Right, next item is... It's a Philip Schofield introduces Tim and Stevie Beth of the 60s. What has he done to the rocking horse? We'll never know.

Starting point is 00:31:48 Maybe he started texting it when it was only five. We don't know. Best children's TV of the decade. 60s, his age, decade, his favourite. Come on, don't look at me like I'm the one what done it. There he is and it's just a VHS of Phillips Gofield reviewing things from the 60s like Cracker Jack, Thunderball, Tales of the Riverbank, Do Not Adjust Your Strat, Jack and Ori, Thunderbirds and many more.

Starting point is 00:32:17 I'm sure it's riveting. Basically this would be on YouTube now and hosted by a guy who lives alone in his flattened leads. But how much do you think this VHS cost will start with Ethan this time? We'll go to you first, Ethan. So it's a cassette, which is a dead format. I'm going to say 50p. Okay.

Starting point is 00:32:34 That's a good guess. You're right, it's a dead format. Did you get it in mind? Huh? Did you get it in mind? Because if so, 50 quid. I don't know. I didn't get this one.

Starting point is 00:32:42 This one came in the PO box. It came in the PO box. How do we know how much it cost then? Because I went through every episode. Listen, I don't know. I didn't get this one. This one came in the PO box. It came in the PO box. How do we know how much it cost then? Because I went through every episode, listened to bits where they had that, and then we judged the price on the price,

Starting point is 00:32:52 it's like segments. So, yeah, I should have listened to the last 100 episodes. Yeah, what were we thinking? So, Suze, 50 p says Ethan. I'm gonna go, I think they're probably going, oh, VHS is 99p. 99p. Yeah, I think they're probably going, all VHS is 99p. 99p? Yeah, I think they're all 99p.

Starting point is 00:33:06 All right, 99p says, Do you reckon they got Ronin on VHS? That's always on VHS in a charity shop, Ronin. Yeah, it is, isn't it? And the Complete Friends box set is always there. Yeah, a tenner, and they were like 100 quid, you could only get one for your birthday. And a surprising amount of Midsomer murders recently,

Starting point is 00:33:23 as well, I don't know why, it's a trend. Right, so Ethan said 50p, Sue says 99p. The price was... Oh, I like this. 50p! Bang on Ethan there! Another point. Bang on Ethan there! Another point, just one for a bang on. Just the one, just the one. What?

Starting point is 00:33:53 And that hasn't made me angry. Just the one. Because I think it's just. It's just the one. It's just the one between. And any other day it would be a double between, we grant you that, but it's not the rules today. This isn't the cheap show I remember. Paul can you stop doing that in front of the picture of Philip Schofield it looked like you were sucking his penis.

Starting point is 00:34:09 Alright in that case let's go on to the third item. Oh it's Ned. Oh now we are home. Yeah it's a rubberized dolly pot noodle character called Ned. Yvonne sent it to us,, even it was the cheap show magazine. Woo! Even told me how much it cost. But it's up to you to guess that price.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Now I'm gonna give you a little bit of evidence. How much for Ned the Noodle? This is a costly boss. Costly boss? It's a costly boss. Costly boss. I'll make that catch, I'm costly boss. Did you see that film the other day?

Starting point is 00:34:41 Oh, it was costly boss. Stop doing that poor fucking- Is that me in the system? You've it was Costly Boss. Stop doing that poor fucking thing. You've torn your groin already. So we're gonna start with Suze this time with Nedley Noodle. How much do you think this beautiful? Rubberized pot noodle that's Costly Boss. Nedley Noodle.

Starting point is 00:34:57 It's actually foam with a... Wire innards. What's the opposite of exoskeleton? Intro skeleton. Intro, it's got an intro. Just a skeleton I thinkleton? Intro skeleton. Intro skeleton. Just a skeleton I think. Or just skeleton maybe, yeah. It's got an intro skeleton made of tin.

Starting point is 00:35:11 Tin. Tin. Yeah, or some metal that bends. Right, okay, anyway. It's posable. What I'm trying to say is Ned is posable. See you later, mate. Bye.

Starting point is 00:35:19 Where the fuck's he going? Can you get me a coffee? Yeah, two please. Right, go on. Well, look, here's, I'm going gonna go low on this because he's flaking. Yeah. And when I first saw the picture I thought it was a pottery one that someone had hand painted. And I was like, oh that's nice, now I find him repulsive. I'm gonna say he's two quid. Two quid from Sirs. Ethan, two quid. So this was by event, so this would have been overseas.

Starting point is 00:35:45 That's right, it was purchasing overseas. But I'm thinking that the pricing's differently out there, and you said it was a costly boss. Yes. So yeah, we're trying to make it stick, guys. Oh, shit. So I'm gonna say four quid. Four quid, you got that down, Ash?

Starting point is 00:35:59 It's a costly boss, Suez. It's not worth anything. Why have you drawn a picture of me with your fist in my face? It's not a picture, it's a photograph. Oh wait, that's not my fist, that's not a fist. Ooh! Anyway...

Starting point is 00:36:11 That's so crap. Right, so... You said four, you said two, the price was... Oh! Seven pounds! Seven pounds! Oh! Oh! Seven pounds! Seven pounds! Seven! So another point for Ethan there, right? I'm fucking furious again.

Starting point is 00:36:28 Jesus Christ! He did say it was a costly bar. Next one. I have a seven quid. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. It's what she would have wanted. It looks like if the two of you were combined in the machine in the fly and then they put

Starting point is 00:36:40 makeup on it. It's what she would have wanted. It looks like if the two of you were combined in the machine in the fly and then they put makeup on it. This is my own sex toy. No, it is a framed mechanical old lady face that sings. What's happening to her neck? That's the only question you've got. Yeah. It's actually some kind of intro skeleton that goes behind and makes it move around.

Starting point is 00:37:10 So it's... RIP, your majesty. Did the queen wear glasses? Yeah, she was fucking old, mate. There's no way she could see. She didn't need to. She had people to look for her. That's true.

Starting point is 00:37:20 Anyway, Suze will start with you this time. See you later, mate. Bye. Hey, Gary. Look at him. How much? See you you this time. See you later mate, bye! How are you going? Bye, look at them all. How much? See you later everyone, see you. Is it because of what I said about the Queen? We are whittling it, we're going to keep going until no one's left.

Starting point is 00:37:32 See you later, it should be about five minutes to the rate you're going. Right, see you later mate, bye. See you, cheers. Go out of the front. They're leaving in droves! If you can leave by walking directly in front of where we... Right. Come up on stage, swipe some stuff off.

Starting point is 00:37:48 Ethan, how much is the old lady? Oh, fucking hell. How big is it? What? It's about this big. Okay. It's quite a big plastic thing. Okay, I'm gonna say, oh, I'm gonna go for the one pound 50 again.

Starting point is 00:38:02 One pound 50. Are you? One pound 50. I'm going high on this because it's amazing. I'm going to go for the one pound 50 again. One pound 50. Are you? One pound 50. I'm going high on this because it's amazing. I'm going for nine pounds. Nine. That is a costly boss. Costly boss.

Starting point is 00:38:12 Come on, Sue. Sue says nine. It's for her majesty, the queen. Let's find out how much it was. Oh! Ooh! Three pounds! Oh!

Starting point is 00:38:25 You won again. Whoops. That's a clean sweep for Ethan on the last reason. Oh, it's the chatterbox radio. This was on recently. Yeah, I can remember this. I remember these, yeah. I don't remember it being so unsettling.

Starting point is 00:38:41 Yeah, it's pretty horrible. But how much is it, Suze, beginning with you, how much does this lovely radio with the flapping mouth cost? £2.50. They can't charge more for a chat box. £2.50 says Suze. How much does Ethan say? £2.

Starting point is 00:38:56 £2. And the winning prize is don't put your microphone there and bang the table. It makes it bang really loud. That's really annoying for the levels upstairs, so please don't do that. Oh! Oh! It's banging really loud. That's really annoying for the levels upstairs, so please don't do that. Oh no! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:39:08 Oh! Two pound fifty! Yay! Yay! To the back of the gate! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:39:17 Ash. Ash! At the end of that first game. I'm defeated! At the end of that first game. Who won the round? Just come back, come on, come back. Welcome.

Starting point is 00:39:28 He wasn't here before. We'll take anyone. So who wins that round? Who got the most points and who wins the round? Well, Paul, it's getting interesting now. Finally. 400 episodes in. The scores are,

Starting point is 00:39:46 Suze has one point between, Ethan has four points. So that means the first round goes to Ethan. So what he gets one, one between, one between. Right. Got that dead on though, that last one.

Starting point is 00:40:09 So is there sort of an overall betwings been awarded for one round? That's right. That's what I was trying to say. So all the points and whoever wins. Do you mean that's what you were trying to say? That's what I was trying to say. So there is a person who wins the first round. A betwee.

Starting point is 00:40:21 Out of four. Yeah. But he got five betwees and now he's got a golden betwee. From now on, we're never playing any games live. What the bloody hell's going on? The one lady's left. I was going to say, this is bad. Oh, no, but it was a joke.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Right. So the next round is this. Silverman's Platters. Oh. So the next round is this Silverman's platters Okay, so you remember when I came on you made me drink B&M tin cocktails. Yeah. Yeah, I used to this no You're all right. This is not that kind of just got my heart Just a good comedy from the old days no you're all're alright, you're alright. There's no drinking today. You're safe. This is the part of the show where usually Eli would bring out one of his records for his collection. And we thought maybe we could base a round around singing.

Starting point is 00:41:15 But Suze is a professional singer and you'd win this outright and you sound like a ball having his cock stapled. That's not fair. I sing on Horrible Histories, it's fine. I bet you've got a pop and a legit. Sort of. I can tell you a tune. I'm nowhere near professional. Let's do a singing round. I want to win. Yeah, anyway, we're not doing that. Look, we're running out of time. Let's skip this one.

Starting point is 00:41:38 We'll give it to Cs. Horrible Histories, is that like the Nazis or something? Look, I like the bit where you went... Front of stage, Paul. Horrible Look, I like the bit where you went, horrible science, is that the nuclear bomb? And then Ganna went, don't say that, like it's controversial to say the nuclear bomb was bad. They did a whole film about it last year, Barbie.

Starting point is 00:41:56 Right, so we're not doing a singing round, instead for Platters we're doing this. And this is CoStar. Now what these are, are these are albums where celebrities at the time, actors, would record their half of a play and you would get a script book and there would be gaps on the album

Starting point is 00:42:16 where they would do their lines and you would read out your lines with the actor. So you'd be filling out the gaps. So you could be performing with, for instance, Vincent Price or we've got George Raft, you know, or Basil Raft, who did Sherlock Holmes's, but he wants to do the Brothers Carol at Macaron Laugh-Lav. Who's this? This is Slopsy.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Slopsy? Dipsy? Hipsy. Hipsy Maxy Rosenblum. Slopsy, Hipsy, Are they the Teletubbies? Maybe Caesar Romero who was the Batman's Joker and Other things I'm mostly someone actually I think you know what this actually is that woman's name for China mayor Yeah, I thought it was as well. It's horrible. Is there the girl from Jones Beach?

Starting point is 00:43:01 Sounds like she just gives it up on there Paul. I think think I actually, I think I'm looking close to it. I think it actually says Van Hyre. You might be right. Anyway, here's what you're going to do tonight, because unfortunately, we don't have the scripts, but we do have the albums. So you're going to be improvising lines in the gaps between the dialogue that these actors have all right no so you're but we're little devils shoes you're gonna go first right you're gonna be me on with Mayo. No, you're gonna be acting against... You're gonna be acting against Vincent Price.

Starting point is 00:43:49 Oh! You'll be performing The Importance of Being Earnest. Sweet, I auditioned for that. The Australian English theatre didn't get it, so time to wreak revenge. That was in 2010. Do it Australian. I'd much rather say that in Australian English. G'day Vincent how's it going? What's that supposed to mean Scott? A handbag? Cucumber sandwich. So Suze if you'd like to stand and take the front of the stage now there are 15

Starting point is 00:44:22 clips you're gonna get you're gonna perform in between the gaps and I'll roll them on when you've done your line. The beginning of this will tell you everything you need to know, so listen carefully to this first track. Yeah, of course it will. Here we go. From Wilde's The Importance of Being Ernest comes the following high comedy scene between Gwendolyn, played by you, and Jack, played by Vincent Price.

Starting point is 00:44:44 You have insisted that the man you marry be a man named Ernest. Jack has led you to believe that his name is Ernest. The setting is Victorian England and the style is very brisk. As the scene opens Jack is speaking. Charming day it has been Miss Fairffax. Oh, has it, mate? Has it? That's nice. I think it's a bit brisk. I do mean something else. What, like, are you talking about up the arse? LAUGHTER

Starting point is 00:45:16 All right, all right there, mate. We've set the level. Yeah. Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you, I have admired you more than any girl I have ever met since I met you. Yeah, all right, very funny. Oscar Wilde was funny, wasn't he? Um, yeah, mate, I've tried, people have tried to talk me into up the ass before,

Starting point is 00:45:36 and they've used that exact rhetoric, so you might have to try a bit harder, mate, because I know, I know that I look like I'm a mug, but I am 40 in a couple of months and I'm looking forward to six years time when I can go oh sorry sorry you really love me Gwendolyn I've never fucking said that mate I never said that and I know what you're up to I know that you're one of those guys you won't even enjoy up the ass you'll You, it'll be better, like, men do this,

Starting point is 00:46:07 it'd be better in the fanny, right? But you're going on about up the arse because you want to tell your mates and be like, yeah, that's what I did, I'm a big man. Well, you're not, you're nothing, son. Ha ha ha! Darling, you don't know how happy you've made me. Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:46:23 Oh, oh yeah, you're one of them, aren't you? You're like, oh, yeah, she's nagging me. She's nagging me. I'm not interested, mate. I was interested in the fanny, but now I'm... Neither. Neither. You're not getting neither. Not getting either. But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Right, yeah, I forgot about that whole Ern Right, I forgot about that whole Ernest thing that this entire fucking play is built around. Right, how's this for Ernest? No holes. You're not getting in any of the holes. Yes, I know it is, but supposing it was something else. Do you mean to say that you couldn't love me then? Yeah, you're thinking like you might get a little pity hand. That's not happening either. That, you're not getting that over, mate, right? Look, I've made this really clear

Starting point is 00:47:15 and I've been as earnest as I possibly can. Your name's obviously not earnest, that's what you're getting at with this, and you're not getting it in any hole, leaving a hand doing that. Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of Ernest. I don't think that name suits me well at all.

Starting point is 00:47:33 Yeah, I know what name suits you, mate. Get out. Really, Gwendolyn, I must say that I think there are lots of other names, much nicer. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. I can't believe people still pay to go and see this. I'm sure it was very funny 120 years ago when it was like someone saying a handbag

Starting point is 00:47:57 and they were like, fuck me, I'm slapping my fucking thigh because they didn't have, because now we've got telly and YouTube and Netflix. There's fun, right? There's funnier stuff going on on your average Twitch stream than there is in this, Oscar Wilde. Gwendolyn, I must get christened at once. I mean, we must get married at once.

Starting point is 00:48:15 There is no time to be lost. Yeah, you lost me here, son. I'll tell you what I think is going on. I think you're panicking and you're just trying to think of things to say. Get yourself christened. I don't care. Well, surely you know that I love you and you led me to believe,

Starting point is 00:48:32 Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. Yeah, well, you're the sort of bloke who will say all this, and then I'll text you and I'll see it left on two blue ticks for two days, and then you'll message going, oh, sorry, I was having lunch. Well, may I propose to you now? Oh, why not? Go on then. Gwendolen, you know what I have got to say to you. Gwendolen, will you marry me?

Starting point is 00:48:59 Yeah, why not? Nearly 40, might as well. My own one. I have never loved anyone in the world but you. Yeah, cheers. Oh Gwendolyn, my own Gwendolyn. That's just it. Oh, is that it? Oh, that was just the same line.

Starting point is 00:49:19 There we go! That was horrible. Now Ash, you will be judging the performances tonight, so that was the first one. Ethan, you're up next, okay? I can't top that. Well, you are performing this next scene. Mayo, mayo. Again, 15 short clips and you will be performing with...

Starting point is 00:49:41 Fernando Lamarz! Of course! In the scenes from the motion picture, the king and the chorus girl. Oh, I actually auditioned for that for the Austrian English theater once. I didn't get it, not bitter at all. Right, we'll get straight into it.

Starting point is 00:49:55 Again, listen carefully to the beginning because it'll be explained to you who you're playing in this scene. Okay. This is a dodge one. Nice. and the Chorus Girl, adapted especially for you. In this story of a young ex-king, with the title role of Alfred, played by Fernando Lamas,

Starting point is 00:50:34 we first meet the unemployed monarch in his Paris apartment, and makes his way into the ante room where Humbert, his friend and ex-chancellor, played by you, waits for him. Alfred is upset and naturally he turns to you, Humbert. Humbert, I want to talk to you. Sit down. Tell me where's the yacht? Sorry, I didn't hear that last bit. I was too busy sitting down. What's up? What we doing?

Starting point is 00:51:07 Is it ready to sail or are they scraping the bottom again? So I got I got crepe in the barn so From what I understand, please do not interrupt my process. So I heard crepe in the barn. That's good. I'm glad you've set up your pancake-ery in the barn. What are we going to do about getting you king again? Because I had a pretty good thing going with the whole Chancellor shit. And I like the pancake idea. I really do. But we're going to need more.

Starting point is 00:51:41 I don't want that bottom ever scraped again. Every time I want to use that boat, they are scraping the bottom. They spend more time under that boat than they do on it. I didn't scrape your boat. I really didn't. I'm leaving tomorrow for the Mediterranean, alone. Except for a young lady. She doesn't know it yet. I mean I'd quite like to come as well if that's possible. I mean if we were going to the Mediterranean that sounds nice.

Starting point is 00:52:22 I mean I'm sure, I mean they're all at it down there in the Mediterranean. Oh, I'm not, huh? I made a terrible mistake with that girl. I don't know how it happened. I just didn't start off right. I'm on the defensive. I whittle, I coast, I'm considerate. But tomorrow will be different.

Starting point is 00:52:45 She'll get in my car and we are off at 90 miles an hour. In two hours, we are on the yacht. The yacht steams away and then let her try arguing with me. It's a different time. I feel like I didn't need to know that bit. I'm happy for you obviously that you know you're having a bit of having it off and everything like that. Good for you. I actually don't want to come with you now. I'm probably gonna stay here in this Parisian apartment if that's okay but

Starting point is 00:53:21 good luck to you. I'm proud of you. Don't you understand? I have to get it on that boat. She's going back to America to sound doctor. Yeah I know, I don't know why I need to know this though. Like it feels like you've got all this sewn up frankly. I feel like I'm being made an accessory to something here if I'm honest with you. Yes he's trying to tell a hill Mario it's ridiculous but... What? What? Oh yes I suppose they do. Me too mate, me too. Like I said, those Mediterranean hotties. Bah, it's all nonsense. There is no doctor. She made it all up. There couldn't be a doctor.

Starting point is 00:54:17 I know, right? I mean, you haven't got a medical degree to start. You're just a deposed king. What the fuck is this? Whether there is a doctor or not, he is not going to be on that boat. So you arrange everything. Who'd you want on the boat? Okay, so let me get this straight. You want a new bar Mediterranean girl on the boat. You don't want the doctor on the boat. What are you planning? But what?

Starting point is 00:54:52 Sorry, I'll say it again. I don't know how many people you want on the boat. I'm saying it loudly in English so you understand. I don't know how many people you want on the boat. How do you know? Why didn't you tell me? No, you're not listening to me. You never listen to me.

Starting point is 00:55:19 I am your chancellor and you never listen to me. Stop being a nonce on a boat. You said she loves me? I'm sure she said a lot of things and I'm sure you did too. As your Chancellor and advisor, look, it didn't work for Prince Andrew and it's not gonna work for you either. All right?

Starting point is 00:55:42 Are you out of your mind? Order my car. And you, you're going to be very busy while I'm driving to Harvard. Yeah, I presume I'm going to be concocting something about a pizza express in Woking. We've been here before. Loves me, you said? Well, then I've won! MUSIC

Starting point is 00:56:08 APPLAUSE You can sit down. CHEERING APPLAUSE So, what could one do? I think the plot about the boat was because, you know, the implication. Yeah, because... That was the whole idea. I've got a question. Sorry for making the subtext text. I've got a question. Yeah. Do you think they, Fernando

Starting point is 00:56:35 Lamas' parents were like in Peru when he was born and they just looked out the window and said let's make that our second name. I haven't thought this through. Oh, because of llamas! Llamas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of those in Peru. There are. And quinoa. Anyway, Ash, it's up to you. Who out of Suze and Ethan performed the best? Suze.

Starting point is 00:57:00 It's all on you. No, no. It's all on you. But before you give the score, can I be honest? I don't think that fucking not Ernest was giving me much to work with. He just kept saying, what the hell did my name wasn't Ernest again and again?

Starting point is 00:57:14 I'm fucking sick of Oscar Wilde. I can't believe he had a whole film made about him. Can I just say? Fake Clever Man, Stephen Fry. On my one, he kept talking about fucking a girl on a boat. Again, different time. I don't think either of these actors' hearts were in it when they recorded these. Go on, who was the best actor out of all of that?

Starting point is 00:57:34 Well, it was absolutely brilliant. I have to say, I really enjoyed Suze's It'll Be Better in the Fanny line. That was a powerful powerful emotive moment. I do feel where Ethan, it was he was taken down a dark alleyway similar to Suze's. Yeah I was going to say. I can't tell them apart, that's a draw. Oh it's a draw, they both get a point for the round then. No they both do, they both get a point. That's two to Ethan, one to Suze. Now, the next round I wanna skip because we're running late and also I can't be fucked.

Starting point is 00:58:11 But we were gonna eat some candy and shit and that was it. We're just gonna do some candy, but it's bored and we've done that. So we're gonna move on to the best bit, which is, we're gonna, I had those, we're gonna play next. And finally, oh, I forgot how many slides I put in. That one as well. Gannon's Golden Games! Mr Silverman, I will grant you this moment to do the Gannons Golden Games jingle. Gannons Golden Games jingle.

Starting point is 00:59:03 And yes I do regret asking him to do that. Right, so every time we play Gannon's Golden Games, I had to pull out a board game from my collection and turn it into a full-scale play away kind of situation. Almost had a fucking sentence there in a room. But today's board game, I didn't bring along because it was too big to get in my bag, but I brought the components

Starting point is 00:59:23 and we're gonna do our own version of it anyway. But tonight, as Gannon's Golden Games we are playing 3 2 1 I think that kind of kind of muted applause shows that not a lot of people remember or care for 3 2 1. 3 2 1 was a game show where Ted Rogers... Dusty Bucket! Dusty Bin! No, no, no, you backed up to me and I was just saying...

Starting point is 00:59:51 Oh... Ha ha ha ha! Oh, sorry, too low brow. Do you want to come back on the show in the future? No. Do you want to? No. Do you want to behave?

Starting point is 01:00:04 No. Do you want to kiss him you want to behave? No? Yes Oh Nibbled my ears You smell nice that was unexpected Tell you what put it one way one put it one way me and you were getting a boat after this Ash it's impulse. Yeah, and we're an impulse. I don't know what that means. So look, very briefly, 321 was a game show

Starting point is 01:00:33 that ran for about a decade in the late 70s and the late 80s. It starred Ted Rogers. The late 70s and the late 80s. Through to the late 80s, yes. I did actually say that right, stop being pedantic. You horrible little man. Right. And effectively it was called 321 because it had three elements to it. One, it's a quiz show. Two, it's a game show. Three, it's a variety. I would argue the first two are the

Starting point is 01:00:55 fucking same, but yes, that's why it's called 321. You got three shows at the price of one. And so you had a general knowledge round and then you had a bunch of variety sketches, songs, followed by impenetrable clues that we'll come to in a bit. But just for a bit of fun, this is just for a bit of fun, we're gonna do the first round, which is general knowledge with you both now. So before we get started, because I was born in 1992, I've never heard of this.

Starting point is 01:01:20 So I watched an episode of it on YouTube last night and within the, I told Paul all this yeah the first six minutes Ted Rogers was sexist once and racist three times And I said wow that was a bit of slow episode And I'll tell you what if you haven't seen it before let's give you a little taste of what you're missing with three two one The One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty How do you do? How are you, team? I want to say hi. Good to see you. Thank you. Thanks so much. And welcome once again, ladies and gentlemen, to another Saturday edition of your favorite game show of 321.

Starting point is 01:02:34 By the way, thank you very much indeed for putting our show in the top ten TV ratings every week. And just think, I didn't even have to write to Jim to fix it. All right, Donald Trump. One little character to beware of on our show, you know exactly who that is. That's my little friend, our resident booby prize, Dusty Bynne. Here he is. Come on, Dust. Now...

Starting point is 01:02:57 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Our little galvanized gremlin. Susan Carman. He might look lovely, but you win him all you do is to take home a brand new dustbin. Looking after this character this week is lovely Fiona Curzon. Fiona, and oh yeah. Johnny again, another lovely outfit. He looks terrific as always but what's he supposed to be representing?

Starting point is 01:03:16 Well we've got a great nickname for him this week, Tutankbin, because the theme of the show is Egypt. And running around the pyramid and sending up for miles, we've got Ken Conner, Dillis Watling, Neville King, Steve Jones and the Chuckle Brothers. Thank you Puma, now let's meet the most important people. As always on our program, that's our contestants. Here they are. I love Ted Rogers, I think I'm inspired by him because I want to do this. You're a nice bit of skirt aren't you, you slag? Aren't you a funny colour? Anyway, let's get on with the show. I like the woman with the sad eyes. I love how the audience as well looks like the entire cast of Royston Vasey. Do you think that Ted Rogers... I love how the audience as well looks like the entire cast of Royston Vasey.

Starting point is 01:04:05 Do you think that Ted Rogers... Go on, yeah. No, that was it. And we weren't going to add it because we did it in the show years ago, but he released a song called Dusty Bin, singing a song because everyone did in that era. But... It's terrible, but it has got moog on it. It has. Is there a child in the bin? Yeah. No, it's terrible and but it has got moog on it he has is there

Starting point is 01:04:25 a child in the bin yeah and where's a baker where's a tan no Kenny Baker was in it it's the guy out of time bandits no if that was a robot I was joking you haven't really got Kenny Baker in dusty bin although that picture doesn't like any Baker might be in a dusty bin now I think you should leave me that was a bit cross-eyed no but that photograph does look like somebody's walk. I think Kenny Baker might be in a dusty bin now. Oh. I think you should leave mate, that was a bit cross-eyed. No, but that photograph does look like somebody just burst into the toilet while they were in there together, took a photograph. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:04:53 All of this is normal. Ha ha, let's smile. Smile bin. Right. You're a lovely bit of skirt. Why is dusty bin wearing goalkeeper gloves? Because Ted likes that sort of shit. He really does.

Starting point is 01:05:05 Right, so just for a bit of fun, these aren't for points or for twings. We're going to play a little bit of their first round where basically you list 10 things. So Ethan, we're going to start with you. You can do the next one if you want. Do you want to do the next one? Sure.

Starting point is 01:05:17 So we're going to start with this. So I'm going to, the round is called who said, right? And I'm going to quote a line and you just tell me who the actor or the character is who said that line, get a TV show, a play, or a movie. Okay? All right, so here's the first one. Go ahead, make my day.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Day, Harry. We'll take that. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. Oh, fuck. That's not the right answer. Oh, who said that? Shit. You can pass.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Pass. That was D'Lisi Fields. Who said I wouldn't wanna join a club that would have me as a member? Gr. You can pass. Pass. That was WC Fields. Who said I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member? Groucho Marx. Is correct. Who said Ich bin ein Berliner? Er, fuck. Kennedy, wasn't it? It was JFK indeed. Who said, come up and see me sometime? That's a good impression.

Starting point is 01:06:03 Diana Daltz. Zippy. I'm not going to say that. Oh no, Jojo. Who said that then? Pass, I don't know. Mae West. Who said, it'd be nice to see you, to see you?

Starting point is 01:06:19 No. Fucking love it. It was Bruce Willis' idea. And you can join in too. And who said, frankly my dear, don't give a damn? Oh, him and Casablanca. It's not Casablanca. No, not him.

Starting point is 01:06:36 No, fucking Gone With The Wind. What's his name? Rep Butler. Don't tell him! Right, who said, you dirty rat? Pass. James Cagney, who said, you ain't seen nothing yet? These impressions are hurting it, pass.

Starting point is 01:06:56 Who, you ain't seen nothing yet? Pass! Al Johnson. Al Johnson. And who said, to be or not to be? Do you want an actor or the character? Either. Hamlet. Al Johnson. And who said, to be, or not to be? Do you want an actor or the character? Either. Hamlet.

Starting point is 01:07:09 Is correct. So that would be their first round. Ian McKellen. Suze, next round, who's going to give you that? Okay, now Suze, this is very important. Yeah. Who said that? No.

Starting point is 01:07:21 I'm just saying this part of the game is very important. My teacher. All right. I'm going to read these to you. Yeah. Is it just the same? No. I'm just saying this part of the game is very important. My teacher. All right. I'm going to read these to you. Yeah. Is it just the same? No. Oh. Do well, mate. So are these point...

Starting point is 01:07:32 No, these are not points, these ones. So this is pointless. This is just a little bit of fun. This bit's fully pointless. Yes. Why are we doing this? I bit like having you here tonight. Why are we doing any of this?

Starting point is 01:07:41 Fill time. We didn't have time for their food show. Right, go on. Eli, take control. I've got clues for you, Suze. Oh, okay. Suze clues. Suze clues, and each of these is a word, beginning with the letters R-E, okay?

Starting point is 01:07:53 R-E. So I'll say something, then you give me the word that I'm referring to, okay? Okay. Okay. Oh, and I'll do the sound effects with the countdown clock, which used to have on three, two, one. All right, I'll do it, here we go.

Starting point is 01:08:03 Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah, yeah. And the time begins when I start the first thing, okay used to have on three, two, one. All right, I'll do it. Everybody, go on. Are you ready? Yeah, yeah. And the time begins when I start the first thing. Okay. Why is this timed? Shut up. Mine wasn't timed, right? Your time.

Starting point is 01:08:12 Can everyone shut up and let me do it? The time begins in about 40 minutes when he finally gets to the point that he's gonna start. Okay, so each of these is a word beginning with R-E. Sure. We know, you said that. Yeah. All right. R- RE is the beginning of

Starting point is 01:08:26 these words he's the first one repeat touche right that's not are you ready oh yes an LP a new soldier. Recruits. To get better. Recover. The colour of the Russian flag. Red. To recollect. Recollect. Remember.

Starting point is 01:08:56 Suggest. Like, I'd go for that one. That one's good. I've written a review of it. It's good. Review. Oh god. No, it's recommend. Tell someone off. Re- that thing you did, you cunt. Naughty.

Starting point is 01:09:18 It's rebuke. A piece of paper from a cash till. Receipt. The back. Re- up the ar back. Re- up the arse. You've got a one track mind tonight. No that's like when you've got your bum runs out of drugs you re-up the arse. Re-up the arse. And last one Suze. Yes. Not long ago. Remember that. No, it's recently. Well, you did very well there, but now let's get on to the point

Starting point is 01:09:50 that everyone remembers. So that was just for nothing. That was for nothing. That was just for a bit of fun. They didn't enjoy it. There were no points. No one liked what happened. Everyone loves a silent round

Starting point is 01:09:59 during the show, didn't they? It was a formality. It's just me listing words. Formality. What we're gonna do now is the main book of 321 where there would be a sketch or a song from a celebrity or the in-house comedy group they have. I bet Angela Rippon did it so much. Probably. But it was mostly Chuckle Brothers and Bernie Winters, I think.

Starting point is 01:10:16 Oh, okay. Oh, man. And the one I watched had Alvin Stardust. Nice. He's nice. Really? Yeah. I had to do a murder mystery with his ex-wife, who has hit hard times. She's in her seventies, she doesn't do murder mysteries with me. But she said, oh, he's such a nice guy. And that's his ex-wife. Glowing terms.

Starting point is 01:10:37 Right, so, what would happen is, after the sketch, they'd bring a prop out, a clue, and then associate a clue with a prize so to give you an example of how But you wouldn't think he would be, would you? You'd think he'd be one of our own. You'd think he'd be the most likely one. Right! Come on! Right! So, folk, everybody focus! Have you got enough energy? Yes, right, because

Starting point is 01:11:18 as an example of the clues you can expect on 321, I took this from the Wikipedia page. So, for example, a wishbone as a prop was brought on by Sonny Hayes and it came with this clue. Who's Sonny Hayes? I don't know. Take one that never changes, add a pub and a precious stone, bring them all up to date and now you're on your own, right? Which the contestants rejected, hoping that it referred to Dusty Bin, which is the booby prize, the one you don't want. Ted Rogers explained that the answer to the clue was this.

Starting point is 01:11:47 So take that one that never changes. Well that could be Dusty Bin of course because it's where you put a wishbone. Add a pub and a precious stone. Well that doesn't point to Dusty. Bring them all up to date. Well now you're on your own. Well what that might be? Well it might be a wishbone but he said it was a large wishbone.

Starting point is 01:12:02 Where does a large wishbone come from? Not a chicken, a turkey maybe? Now one that never changes is a constant and a pub can also be an inn and there's a lot of precious stones. Look at the audience's faces. And look at the precious stones that may have to go to a constant inn. What's happening? Like an opal. Yes, Constantinople. That's the prize you're going to today at Turkey on three, two, one. So, legitimately, like I know everyone's sort of like, oh, what was that? When I watch it, they are all like that.

Starting point is 01:12:32 Like they are the most arcane twisted riddles you've ever heard in your entire life. And then Ted Rogers explains it like it's really simple. It's like, well, obviously that's what that means. And the contestants are like, eh, I would have liked the car. Did anyone ever win anything? Because this is making Only Connect look easy.

Starting point is 01:12:49 And Only Connect, whenever I watch it, I just start crying. The one I watched, they won 1,300 pounds worth of gold that they could melt down into a jewelry of their choice. What the fuck? Didn't have prizes like that. Now you want to get on the fucking wheel, would ya?

Starting point is 01:13:06 I saw one episode where they gave away a St. Bernard dog. Ah! And meanwhile Bernie wins it off the side, saying that's my whole career. Right, so what's gonna happen now for you to- If I got like a gold, lump of gold in a dog, I'd be like- You'd be fucking happy.

Starting point is 01:13:24 Yeah. Right, so here's what's gonna happen. We're now, Eli and I, separately are gonna perform something for you both, and then give you a prop from that and a clue. Well, if you both don't perform it and are giving you the clues, you'll have the choice to either say, this is a prize, or this is Dusty Bin. You'll win a prize, you'll win a point,

Starting point is 01:13:40 if you just guess if it's a prize or Dusty Bin. Oh, thank God. So you don't have to actually put anything on the line. Right. So Eli is going first with his first performance. It is a performance piece, isn't that right? An actor's performance piece? Yes.

Starting point is 01:13:56 And who, have you got a coin? Anyone got a coin? What is this, the 80s? Times are tough. Got a coin. Cheers. Thanks. Has anyone got any notes?

Starting point is 01:14:10 No, no, no. Any notes? Ethan, heads or tails? Heads. It's tails. No! Do you want to go first or second? I'll go first.

Starting point is 01:14:20 I don't really understand this, but it's one of two things, and if I say either of them, this ends. Exactly. Watch his performance, there'll be a clue afterwards. Okay. Alright, Eli, when you're ready. Thanks for coming everyone. I'm going to do something. This is Keith. I've got Keith with me but I'm going to bring together Keith with his unseeing duck eyes and then also bless him with Che Gwyn. But I need some help. It's not like he was building to something or anything.

Starting point is 01:15:08 He's not into dead rats in jars. He's a mole! He's a mole! He's a mole! Interesting fan base you've cultivated. He's a mole! Jesus fucking Christ, it's a mole! You've cultivated You mean that the person who left was a mole from another podcast Yeah, that's right. They just prayed you like it don't worry shit

Starting point is 01:15:36 Guys Sorry right, so what I'm gonna need some help because this this is a religious moment, where the Trinity of Keith the Mole, his unseeing duck eyes, and Chegwin the princeling, come together in the Trinity, or triumvirate of flesh. Keith Chedwin's gonna fuck that. Oh yes, he will. Out of interest, has anyone seen the substance?

Starting point is 01:16:15 Now, in order to get the spirits going, you have to take a niff of Keith's hulk. Oh! That's not good. Oh! have to take a niff of Keith's whole it's all right he's very dry because he's got the drying packets from the stereos in there that's not good that's not good don come on. That's not good, that's not good. Don't smell it. That's not good, I gotta be sick. I really can't. Ash. No, I don't want to. Come on.

Starting point is 01:16:47 Yeah, make Ash do it, you bastard. I know you're vegan, but there's no particles of meat there. Right. Sorry, I gotta go away. Let's smoke the same as Paul. Is this your? Hey. Pleasant.

Starting point is 01:16:57 I gave you a kiss. Pleasant, do you wanna come on Cheap Show? I promise we won't make you do anything weird. I never said that to anyone. Right, come on, do your performance, we're running out of time. Okay, I just need the audience please to... Where's Chegwin? Fuck.

Starting point is 01:17:12 Was this on the show? I think he might have ran off. I think he saw the writing on the wall, mate. Hey! Okay, because he's very small, you don't want to lose him. Come on. I'm doing it. It's not, come on then!

Starting point is 01:17:26 All right, everyone. They flashed that light a couple of times now. Now, don't worry, the duck eyes are in there. Oh good. What's going on? Oh finally, we can stop worrying. So, what I need from you, please, is we need to chant in order to get Keith to ingest the eyes. Oi!

Starting point is 01:17:47 You've got rats on your t-shirt. That's what made me say rat. He's got rats on his t-shirt. There's a rat on his t-shirt. What is he going to do? There's a rat. I just need a chant from you so the chant will go. Which hole of Keith? Which hole of Keith? Which hole of Keefe, witch hole of Keefe, witch hole of Keefe, witch hole of Keefe, give it some funk, give it some swing. Witch hole of Keefe, witch hole of key, the witch hole of key. The witch hole of key, the witch hole of key, the witch hole of key. The witch hole of key, the witch hole of key, the witch hole of key. The witch hole of key, the witch hole of key, the witch hole of key.

Starting point is 01:18:44 The witch hole of Game! The Witch Out of Game! The Witch Out of Game! Woo! Woo! And now I have to guess prize or dusty bin. Yeah, basically. It couldn't be simpler. Yeah, er, dusty bin. No, wait.

Starting point is 01:19:00 Get your mic. No, here is your clue. What the fuck? Right. Suze, here is your clue. Yes? You just gotta listen to it. We'll come back to you at the end for the answer. Come back to me at the end for the answer. Alright, so here is your clue.

Starting point is 01:19:15 Cure the fever, stop the rot, no justice here if this you've got. That's your clue. I'll read it one more time. Think about it. Think about it. That sounds like Schofield on that beach on Channel 5. Cure the fever, stop the rot. No justice here if you've got, that's your clue. I'll read it one more time. Think about, think about. That sounds like Scofield on that beach on Channel 5. Cure the fever, stop the rot. No justice here, you've got. No justice here if you've got the lot. So just keep that in your head while,

Starting point is 01:19:33 Ethan, you're gonna see my performance now, all right? So Eli, you're gonna do it. What are you gonna do, you're gonna fuck a badger or something? It's a sacred object. You thought it was a rat, it's a mole. It's a mole, Jesus Christ, it's a mole. It's a mole! It's a mole! Jesus Christ! It's a mole! It's a mole! It's a mole! Okay, I'm gonna need you all to shut up.

Starting point is 01:19:50 Look at that. Right, so I am going to sing a song for you tonight. I have got a song planned and it's about my love of charity shops and it comes from the heart and I hope you enjoy it. 400 fucking episodes in every single week I've been hunting everywhere on every single street For a charity shot that's really got the lot And I discover some cool treats So I can't wait to dive deep inside I wanna find strange shit and totally be surprised

Starting point is 01:20:33 For a pricey shite or some odd delight I wanna beat Eli to the floor It could be an oxfam, bananas or a scope A bridge, he's hot for days, you know I can barely cope With variety, it's all laid out for me And I can skip on down the aisle I've got some pennies I can't cope with variety It's all laid out for me and I can skip on down the aisle I've got some pennies I can't wait to burn on a Doctor Who soap From a local hedge-contern or a dodgy hash

Starting point is 01:20:51 drape Shipped like capacity there's too much to take in I can't wait, no, I can't wait, no When they're gonna open up that store I'm going, I'm going to the, yes I'm going, yes I'm going to the, really going to the, yes I'm going to the charity shop Ladies and gentlemen over the past 100 episodes I've bought quite a lot of things for charity shop in my time And I can't wait to share that with you Deep breath everyone this is gonna be fun. Teddy bears on secret tables, TV board games, Broken telly, cellar tapes, and plastic cables, Dancing flowers, Jenga, Cluedo, Fecalot, and Funny Key, Jane Sutton, Pepper Pop, and Makers, Massive Mops, And Cleaning Grains, Story Boxes, Story Teller,

Starting point is 01:21:48 Porn and Max, with Masturbation, Willie, Warmers, Broken Shoes, Horns, Multi-Purpose Insulation, Rubber Boobie, Termitronics, Dick and Xs, and Scrooble, Scramble Magic, Hits and Playing Cards, and 1980s Looking OMD, and XTC, And ABC, and BBC, and Zig, and Zag, and Wacken, Roll, And Psycho Games, and LCD, Infected Chini, Mussolini, Paginini, Lamborghini, Calculators, Pastamakers, Robocop, and Mabikinis!

Starting point is 01:22:04 I can't wait, no, I can't wait, no. I can't wait, no. When are you gonna open up that door? I'm going, I'm going to the, yes I'm going, yes I'm going to the, really going to the, yes I'm going to the charity show. I'm going, I'm going to the, oh I'm going to the, can't wait to go, wanna go to the, can't wait to go. I'm going, I'm going to the, yes I'm going, yes I'm going to the,

Starting point is 01:22:38 really going to the, yes I'm going to the charity shark! Yeah! Alright, so first of all, I just want to say you've got some fucking nerve talking about my singing. It sounded like William Shatner on speed. I just want to thank you to Noiseland for helping me mix that and put that in because there's no way I can fucking sing that live for real So that's the song Charity Shop. Here is your clue. Where's the bit with the dead rat? So one of the songs, one of the items

Starting point is 01:23:34 It's a mouse! It's a mouse! One of the items we mentioned in that was a TomyTronic 3D short game But here is your clue. Not green though without fail don't chuck it in the army jail that's your clue what to get what to get not green though so called without fail don't chuck it in the army jail. Don't chuck it in the army jail. I can't. Whatever you do. What was on that list? Was Milly Vanille on that list?

Starting point is 01:24:12 Me, me, me, Michael, don't chuck it in the army jail. Oh. That's quite hairy, isn't it? I tell you, I have to get attention on this fucking stage. So, we're going to start with Suze again, so I'm going to read you a clue. Oh my fucking God. Is it prize or is it dusty? Okay, so cure the fever, stop the rot.

Starting point is 01:24:28 No justice here if this you've got. What do you think it is? A prize or dusty bin? A dusty bin. Oh, let's find out. You need to lower the temperature to cure a fever and lowering the temperature stops things from rotting. And justice, broken down down means just ice. It was a cool fridge freezer! Fridge freezer! Oh I would have loved that! No point. So Ethan,

Starting point is 01:25:05 I can't fucking do this anymore. I know, that's it. What? He was what? The kids don't need to know. No, no, they couldn't have told. Fucking Minnily, Villinily. The bit where you kept grieving in. Girls, you know it's true. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Starting point is 01:25:18 I want you. Right, your clue was this, Ethan. Not green, though so cool, without fail, don't chuck it in the army jail. Chucky, Chucky, Chucky, Chucky. What's wrong with my voice? Chucky, though so cool without fail, don't chuck it in the army jail. Chuck it. Chuck it. Chuck it. What's wrong with my voice?

Starting point is 01:25:28 Chuck it too. Well don't chuck it in the jail. Chuck it. Chuck it. Chuck it. Chuck it. Chuck it. Is it a prize or is it Dusty B?

Starting point is 01:25:36 Right okay, so it's green, but it's not green, but it's called that because it's jealous. And it's jealous because it's not, because it's being thrown in the army jail which is like what's the army jail called everyone? Brig! It's thrown in the brig and the brig is a bin dusty bin let's find out. I don't know. Not green, don't chuck it in the army jail here is the fuck you. We are looking for something that not that's not green and there's a saying isn't there people who live in

Starting point is 01:26:08 glass houses shouldn't throw stones army jails are often known as greenhouses if gardeners and green grass houses throw stones you'd make a mess but you can't chuck glass into the jail so where would you put it? I guess you'd have to find a dustbin. It was Dusty Bin! Yeah! Shooky! Shooky-tee! Shooky-tee-de-de-dusty bin! Shooky-tee-de-de-dusty bin! You know I put a lot of effort into this show.

Starting point is 01:26:30 And yet that is the funniest thing you've ever said. And unfortunately it's like being at a dinner party in Los Angeles. Go on say things with rounded vowels you prick! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:26:42 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! The funniest thing you've ever said. And unfortunately, it's like being at a dinner party in Los Angeles. Go on, say things with rounded vowels, you prick. Right. A pointy six. At the end of that round, what are the scores? Was that one round?

Starting point is 01:26:56 Yes. That's the last one. Are you aware that since the last time you asked me, nothing has happened by that last bit where Ethan scored one point. Yeah. 20 minutes for one point. Well, just so you know, the point-

Starting point is 01:27:12 We've gotta wrap this up in five minutes. The points are largely the same as they were. It's now, Suze has got two. Yeah. Yay! Yay! How many's Ethan got? Six! Yay! So! How many's Ethan got? Six!

Starting point is 01:27:25 Yay! So how do you win the round? Ethan, there's been one point! Well no, cause the maximum you can win is four, so why has Ethan got six? And we skipped a round! You skipped a round. Yeah, but there was four rounds,

Starting point is 01:27:38 and there's only three, so the most he can win is three. I won the first one, then there was a tie, and then I got that one, so three, right? Two, two, one. It's two each. Two each. We're gonna say two each. What? Does anyone else know what's happened? But I won! It's three one! I got the dusty bin! Obviously won. I told you to pay attention. You are never coming back on the show. Soos has one. Soos has one?

Starting point is 01:28:04 Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Soos has one. Soos has one. Soos has one. It doesn't matter. It might matter. None of it. It doesn't really matter. Anyway, it's six, two. How many is it before I rip your tongue out? In terms of rounds? In terms of points.

Starting point is 01:28:34 This is taking away from my victory. Oh, in terms of the twings, it's... Why did you offer me your microphone? Wait, wait, wait. I think there were like three different podcasts going on right now. And we just need to focus on the one. Eli, Ethan, Ethan, fuck Ash.

Starting point is 01:28:52 Everyone starts on the foul. Hold on, did you just say Ethan, Eli, fuck Ash? Yes. Chuky jean, the randy bean. Chuky jean, chuky jean, good boys. We've gotta wrap this up. Wishbone Ash. Got your wrap it up, chuky jean.

Starting point is 01:29:04 How many betwings overall has Suze got? Suze has one betwing. I'm gonna slap this off! Wishbone ash! Don't you rep it up, Chucky-G! How many betwings overall has Suze got? Suze has one betwing. And how many has Ethan got overall? About three. Right! Roughly! Roughly! So, this has all been leading up to this final moment.

Starting point is 01:29:22 Why win three points? Why, Dave? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Eli, it's time for you to explain what's happening in the grand finale. Oh my god. Well. Because I'm about to have a complete massive stroke. Just can't stop talking for a minute then. That's rude. Paul's about to have a stroke. He's gonna walk off! Yay! No, Paul, Paul come back. He's back on!

Starting point is 01:29:53 Now, my ego can't even take fake boos. Fake boobs. Now, all yours. Guys, sit down Paul, take a seat. What has been missing? What essential element of cheap show has been missing today? Comedy! Bifo! Sorry, sorry. Good guests! I'm not asking you! Don't sit next to me and say good guests. Did someone say noodles? I said bifo. There's both noodles and sauce. Now have you got the shot glasses? Well get them out please.

Starting point is 01:30:35 Now there is a consolation prize, not consolation, what's it when you lose and you have to do something? Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby.

Starting point is 01:30:52 Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby.

Starting point is 01:31:00 Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Booby. Three times spicy. Three times spicy. But where are they, you ask? Well, I've kites-associate all of you. They've been here the whole time! They've been in the Jell-O Flask the whole time!

Starting point is 01:31:14 He's so cross! That's right! It's like the Sixth Sense. I didn't know he was a ghost! What? Spoilers! There are two Samyang three-time spicy hot chicken ramen-flavoured bulldak noodles in this flask. Oh.

Starting point is 01:31:31 But what does that mean? Forfeit. That was the word I was looking for. Forfeit. There we go. I'm going to book you for next year's show. Hold on. They're not having you back. There's no... Now... What is it? They have to...

Starting point is 01:31:47 Oh, I'm sorry, you're on your own. Right, you lost, Sue, so you have to... So I have to do it. So you have to have three. Was it three betweens you got? Yeah, I got one. You have to have three shot glasses of super spicy noodle. No, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:31:58 Sue's won one round, which means she has three shots. Well, they drew it. Officially, they drew that round. That's true. So tell you what, two each. that trick. Well, they drew it. Officially, they drew that round. That's true. So, tell you what, two each. Fuck this. What? Just fuck this.

Starting point is 01:32:09 I've checked out. So there was no point in me winning if it's we get the same forfeit. Mate, you know very well. It's almost like it's all been pointless, Ethan, isn't it? I wish I was on pointless. Right, so you'll be taking two shots of this each. Why?

Starting point is 01:32:25 But like... Is this going to come out? Oh no, it's all gone gelatinous. Oh, this is going to be a while. Chucky-ching, Chucky! Chucky-dee-chucky-dee-chucky! I feel like the audience needs to see it rather than hiding it behind a dusty bin. It might be...

Starting point is 01:32:42 There's nothing. It might be something in there. He kizer-so-zade you again! There's something in there he ties a so said you again there's nothing in there stick your finger up in it put your finger up in there waggle it around oh chock it in stick your finger up in it so not do this bit of the show. Should we just sniff it and then go? Sniff it and then go.

Starting point is 01:33:09 I wanna have a sniff and then I wanna go. Oh Jesus Christ. Smells like uni. Paul, I can't get the noodles out. You need a spoon or something? Use the mould. Put it in Dusty Bim. This is sad.

Starting point is 01:33:30 A once great podcast. People paid good money to come and see this. Oh, jocky din. I'm going to politely suggest we skip this. Let's skip it. Because I don't want to spend 15 minutes with you smacking on the water with that and covering me in... Careful you don't get that in your eye, mate. Honestly, it's very hot.

Starting point is 01:33:53 I'm sure it is. I didn't do a test of the fluid dynamics of the noodles. Sorry, guys. It's like concrete. It's set in there. Is the show pink right now? That's going to be a fun clean up for you later. Oh well. Wow.

Starting point is 01:34:11 Thanks for coming everybody. That was Cheap Joe then. That's it, that's it, that's the end. That's the end, is that what you're saying? Welcome back, you're here for the end. Hi, Rude. Right, that was it,? Welcome back. You're here for the end. Hi, mate. He's back. Right, that was it. That was Sheep Show live at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2024.

Starting point is 01:34:33 I want to thank everyone who helped me arrange this show today. I want to thank all of you guys for coming out and joining us this afternoon. Suze, Ethan, thank you for playing along. Ash, Scory, and, Silver, Denim. See you later, good night, good day and good morning. Goodbye. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck off. Bye, everyone. See you outside.

CheapShow - Ep 408: Live At The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2024

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