CheapShow - Ep 409: Mustard Bully

Starting point is 00:00:00 So he's outside? Yes, he's outside the years. He's a little bit shaken up from his experience, but he is outside. He says he's ready to do a podcast. Okay, that's great news. And thanks Gareth. Thank you for bringing him over. I know, you know, you took some time out of your schedule. My ghost hunting schedule, yes. And you do the YouTube channel now as well. I do as well, yes, I do. But I thought this was such an interesting case of possession

Starting point is 00:00:22 that I thought I'd give it a go, you see. So we had to go through a very elaborate exorcism process. I was gonna ask, how did you actually draw the demon out? Well, it was a very, very vicious class seven demon. Very horrible thing. It was, he terrorized me. He broke my window, went out. No, he did some terrible things. He was screaming at me.

Starting point is 00:00:42 There was something there and it was... So anyway, what happened is this. I tell you, lie him down on the altar seat. Lie him down. Well, how did you find him firstly? Oh, he... Basically, we found him in a bush in the zoo, just outside the pig pens in the zoo. Like American Whale in London? Just like that, yes. Said it wasn't pig pens, it was something else in that. It was the wolf pen in that film. It was wolf pens, that's what it is. You found him in the wolf pens in the London zoo. Oh, right, and he was else in that, wasn't it? It was wolf pens, that's what it was. You found them in the wolf pens in London Zoo. Oh right, and he was naked.

Starting point is 00:01:07 Yeah, he sensed to go back there and he was naked and shivering. And so I managed to bag him up and drag him back to my altar, where I put him down. Is that where you live? Yes, I have a little outdoor, a little shed. A little shed at the back. With a little stone altar in, you see. Don't make me do the voice for too long, it's hard. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. sorry anyway I put him on the altar naked as the day he was born. I'm trying. Listen I put him on the altar see

Starting point is 00:01:31 naked as the day he was born and then I had to get me Willy out didn't I nice little fungal tip and I wiggled it under his nose wiggled he woo How did we know this was going on? This is his only thing and because I knew it was a terrible possession I had to get the gunk up for a few days beforehand a real cheesy moldy kind of you know like okay that's how you did it then please send him in I mean my tip of my cock like cheesy did like that blue cheese you get. All right, Gareth, thank you. So anyway, I squeezed it onto the tip of his nose

Starting point is 00:02:09 and went, come out, evil demon. And the demon don't like the smell of my cheesy cock. He doesn't. So he goes, oh, I'm out of here. And off he went, back to the devils and demons in the Netherworld. And since then, Paul's been recuperating. Been recuperating, he recuperating he has.

Starting point is 00:02:25 Very good Gareth, very good work and please if you could just um bring him in we have to do the podcast. Yeah no I'll go out and on the way out I'll bring him in all right. Okay just I might just sort of stand up. You want to open a window. There's still remnants of my exorcism. I know, I know. All right, I'm off. All right, let me bring him in now. Hang on. Oh, sit down here.

Starting point is 00:02:51 All right. Oh. Oh. Hello, Paul. You're back with us. Yeah. Amazing. Can I apologize, first of all, for everything that I did under possession?

Starting point is 00:03:10 It wasn't you. We know it wasn't you, Paul. You did some terrible things under that demon spell. I don't really want to talk about the killings. No, not the killings. You did things much worse. You went on the Joe Rogan podcast. Shut up. Three hours. Shut up. I wasn't meant to say... You were talking about Magic Gemstones. It's fine. Don't... The cure cancer with Joe Rogan.

Starting point is 00:03:26 It's not, and all this political stuff I said, ignore that, and all the stuff I said about women, just ignore it. I was possessed by Kalkalkoth. Oh, was that the name of the demon? Yeah, Kalkalkoth. Why, Gareth didn't know the name. No, he wouldn't have known because I had him in me, so I'm just... Well, he's gone now. He's 100% gone now. The thing I'm trying to say is this, mate, right.

Starting point is 00:03:44 And you've cleaned your nose just to be clear. Yeah no I've wiped it, I could use a deter wipe, it was fine. I mean I can still smell it but I have cleaned it. I don't think that smell ever leaves you really. I don't think it's gonna haunt me, talk about fucking- There was a hum coming off his crotch, I didn't want to be, when he left I didn't want to be at like crotch level. It's very effective, it's a very effective process.

Starting point is 00:04:03 It's amazing, I've never seen anything work like that. Anyway, he did say this, I shouldn't exert myself too much. So as a result, I've only got an hour to give to this. So I just want to give an hour and then get out of it. So let's just do a real time episode. Tap out after an hour and then I can go back to bed and recuperate. Okay. All right. Oh, I'll never get rid of that cheesy tip stink. Well, I don't think you needed that extra bit of reference there, we could have just stopped then. Yeah there's a little bit still there. No we could stop now, we could stop this bit.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Oh he's eating it, he's eating Gareth's dried dick mucle. And ladies and gentlemen, it is like a beautiful blue cheese. Oh hello! No more characters! Hello! I'm music cool! See you next week on Chewchall! Dick muc I'm Dick Mucal. Dick Mucal sings a song. He sings it right and say, he's Dick Mucal. He's Dick Mucal. I'm going to talk

Starting point is 00:04:50 over this. I also can't be sampled by Noiseland. He's Dick Mucal. Cheap show to the mother of all things. Cheap show to the mother of all things. It's the price of shame. Welcome to Cheap Show. Start the clock please Mr Silverman, it is a real time episode, absolutely real time, as I can fathom. So therefore my levels must be set, my voice must be close to the microphone ready to pick up all sounds so I need not adjust the sound levels of a particular vocal chord or two.

Starting point is 00:05:28 No, on we go, it's Cheap Show. Welcome to it. How you doing Mr Silverman? Hadrong bongo lord. I'm fine Paul, a little bit tired from the weekend's activities. Were you bopping in the church of dance? I did DJ on Saturday nights. I thought about playing a Halloween song. Nah, fuck it. What would you even play? I have that Yvonne Gage, Love in a Haunted House, I think it's called, which it sounds exactly like Thriller. Have you heard that one? Oh yeah, because it's a response song, isn't it? No,

Starting point is 00:06:02 no, not the response song to beat it. You. You'll get confused. This is just another... Love in a haunted house. And it literally, it's almost, it's one of those ones which is really cleverly almost exactly the same. But legally different enough that they won't get sued. Yeah. It has that build up, you know the build up at the beginning of the thriller. I'm going to put a clip of it here. Yeah. Neneneh haunted house. I'm not going to put a clip in because I'm not editing this. That's the whole point of this. Shall I play a little bit for you. Yeah. I'm not gonna put a clip in because I'm not editing this. That's the whole point of this. Should I play a little bit for you? No. I don't want to hear it. This is how it goes. Just hear the beginning. Now I have to wait for you in real

Starting point is 00:06:31 time to do a web search. It won't take very long. You're gonna do your little voice thing. Oh, how do you do this? Should I do voice? Yeah, do it. Go on. Play this, that, the other, whatever it says. Yeah, go on, do it. Now, we're live, carry on. Stop speaking. We're on the clock. If you don't stop speaking, it goes over the front of my voice search. All right, well then now we have to have silence

Starting point is 00:06:51 in a real time episode. That's professional, isn't it? Just for a second, I'll tell you when to be silent, okay? Go on. Now. Now it's, ah, shit! Say, shut up, and then I'll shut up. Okay, shut up.

Starting point is 00:07:03 Love in a haunted house, Yvonne Gage, play that. You see that's the bit I don't get when you do the... They got it. I know it works. I've seen the evidence. I'm just saying it's strange. Go on. Put it on. This is a love in a haunted house. Ooh. No, where's the speakers at the bottom, not at the top? So put it that way. Okay, we'll then aim it that way.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Oh yeah, it is. That's a thriller, isn't it? Is there any organ? No, that's organ. Speaking of organs, I've got to give that gallus a wash. Is there a lyrics? You get the idea. It's close to midnight. The 24 hour shop is still open. I find it interesting how that was one of the, well, to this day, the biggest selling

Starting point is 00:08:05 LP of all history. Yeah. What took over it? What's now the biggest album of all time? No, it still is the biggest. Oh, it still is? Yeah. Even after all these years?

Starting point is 00:08:15 Even after Blur versus Oasis, Paul. Even after Lady Gaga and Rihanna? After Gaga went Gaga. No one will ever sell that many units again because of the world we live in, if you think about it. Do you think that's true? Yes, because people, albums aren't the same thing. They're not the same cultural kind of moments, are they?

Starting point is 00:08:32 Songs are not packaged as albums these days, as much. Hang on, hang on. They are still. I know, I know, hang on. Hang on. Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show, the Economy Comedy Podcast. I mean, we're four minutes in. The Economy Comedy Podcast where Eli and I go for the Bargabins charity shops and budget pound land style

Starting point is 00:08:49 pound shops. Moomin land. And bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. The fun in the Fugle is found. The fun, I find the fun in the Fugle. You do. So that's what the overall concept of this podcast is. Fugle. Fugle. Fugle is a kind of war thing isn't it? Like, Fugle war? Fugle? Isn't it? No, I'm going to look it up. Fugle war? Fugle war? Isn't there a thing about Fuglism? Fugle war? That's feudalism isn't it? Yes, feudal. Hang on, hang on. So what's Fugle? What's Fugle then? There is no Fugle. Onlyzoo. Fugl. Oh hang on, there is a word called Fugl. F-U-G-A-L. Meaning?

Starting point is 00:09:27 And it says, I'm just going to open it up now. I bet you guys are Urban Dictionary, not Real Dictionary. This is the normal dictionary. Of or relating to a fugue or composed in the style of a fugue. That's right. I'm looking up fugue is a... It's a musical thing. Specifically.

Starting point is 00:09:42 I'll tell you what it is. Go on. I'll tell you what it is specifically. Go on. It is... I can't you what it is specifically. It is different instruments repeating different repetitions, cycle that builds and it's part of a symphony structure. Right, let's tell you how it goes. It says, It's a polyphonic composition based upon one, two more themes, which are enunciated by several voices or parts in turn subjected to contraptual treatment.

Starting point is 00:10:11 And then gradually, this is just me guessing, built up into a complex form, having a somewhat distinct divisions or stages of development until a marked climax at the end. However, addendum, there's also a psychiatry term, fugue. Yeah, fugue state. You've heard that. Yeah, a period. I'm in a fugue state. A period during which a person experiences loss of memory, often begins a new life and

Starting point is 00:10:35 upon recovery remembers nothing of the amnesiac phase. Oh, that's those ones. They have really strange stories, aren't they? That's a really fucking weird one. So you get your memory back, then you don't remember being Bob for a bit. It's like, oh fuck me Ed, I'm now Bob. Yeah. No, now I'm Paul. And I, and those years could be years have gone.

Starting point is 00:10:52 Look at my kids. Do you know that was quite interesting looking up the word Fugle there because- We find the fun in the Fugle and that was great, don't we? We do because we are quite Fugle sometimes. Sometimes our podcasts, broadcasts, Paul, they build up, themes repeat, don't they?

Starting point is 00:11:06 For one or two or more players and we, the voices. Oh no, I'm talking about the psychiatrists. I'm talking about that. And it's like that as well because we often get amnesia and forget who the fuck we are. No, it's more of a take on that where it's like, this isn't really our real lives and who we really are. And then when I come out of that, I forget what we've done in this show. And then I kind of define myself by not what I am in it, but how I make it. Therefore I'm distanced from the reality of what we do within the podcast. Whereas outside of it, I see it much more of a mechanical process that I also like to distance

Starting point is 00:11:36 myself from. Could I just say one thing in a two word way? Yes. Wealth, Ugel. Wealth, word way? Yes. Wealth-Ugel. Wealth-Rugal. He was the richest man in all of Rugal- Oh did he book, did he, what did he book? Did he book, did he, has he booked some entertainment? No. He has, you know he's got, he's got that older, that, you're not meant to say dwarf now but it's a musical dwarf, Dick Mucal. Is this what you want to do? Yes, of course it's what I want to do. Do you think it's appropriate? Just let Dick in for a minute. He's got a little song and he does around, does he? He doesn't have to be of small stature, does he? He's tiny, man.

Starting point is 00:12:12 Then can't we just go forward and make him microscopic, like he's the size of a thumb? Like he's thumb sized. Have you seen, you haven't seen Dick? No, I mean I saw one on the tip of Gareth's, or Gareth was on the tip of his. That didn't make sense in any way! I guess he would be the root, wouldn't he? He'd be on top, if you think of what, his dick cheese as a separate entity. I do.

Starting point is 00:12:33 I mean it is. It's a very powerful supernatural sorceress. It's eminently superior. Emmentally. Emmentally superior. Oh mate, we're cooking now, come on. Let's get some more cheese based cock gags quick. I smelled it and it went eee damn like that. Oh fucking nuts. Come on what else have we got? You've stunk it up like a rich camembert.

Starting point is 00:12:56 Oh come on. Come on bear. Come on no I've got to be bear can it so it's got to be come on. Nah fuck it Danny Bear. Bear, can it? So it's got to be come on. Nah, fuck it. Danny Bear. Right, moving on. Remember Danny Bear? Oh, I can't go off on a tangent. Who's Danny Bear? Remember she was the TV presenter and stuff. She was the top lad ladette, wasn't she? She was, because she spoke a little bit cheeky.

Starting point is 00:13:15 She had a cockney accent. No, she's one of those ones where it's like she looked all lovely, but she had a vestry accent. It's like that made her endearing to audiences. Go on. I just see one, Cuffilly Willie. Yeah. That's pretty good, isn't it?. Go on. I just see one Cuffilly Willie. Yeah. That's pretty good, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:13:26 He did wave it over my nose. Cuffilly. Cuffilly. Cuffilly. Let's taste some mustard. Oh no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Starting point is 00:13:38 wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait the scheme of things, mate. Oh, it's a whispers fart away. So thank you to everyone who came to the live show. It was nice to see the whole place packed

Starting point is 00:13:49 out. We hope you enjoyed the show. I think now that this episode comes out the week after it, you can now watch it on YouTube or you can listen to the podcast, whatever tickles your fancy. But thank you to everyone. Thank you to Tom as well for help filming and for the edit together of that video. Thank you to Sue's, Ethan, Ash and everyone we got to speak to. We had a very good time. We had a brilliantly positive experience from doing it. So again, thank you to Giles and everyone at the Cheerful Earful podcast. First of all, it looks like we'll be back there next year. Having it.

Starting point is 00:14:16 Having it. Can I just say one thing before we go on? Yeah. I've heard of Pecorino, but his Pecorico. Come on, that's a cheese. It's a cheese, Paul. Is it? Yeah, Pecorino, but his Pecorico. Come on, that's a cheese. It's a cheese, Paul. Is it? Yeah, Pecorino.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Okay, all right, fine. I didn't know. I thought... Pecca. Yeah, but isn't there like a Peccadillo? Isn't that something? Peccadillo. A Peccadillo is like a...

Starting point is 00:14:37 Like a kink or something, like a certain thing you like. A liking for. He has a certain Peccadillo for ladies of a certain height. Peccadillo, it's also a naughty pigeon. It's a little bird that rolls up. Or a tiny dildo. Let's move on. I don't want to do anything. Well we've only got fucking half an hour to do everything now. We were given a load of stuff from the live show, we'll get to that in time. We have a few things here today. What do you want to start with Mr Silverman? It's mostly a food based episode this week so get used to that. We did a bit of music at the

Starting point is 00:15:08 top of the show that will have to cover that genre. Let's eat some mustard. We've got crisps, mustard. Mustard. Now this is where you go I can't remember the name of the people who gave me stuff and it sounds it makes you sound rude and incompetent and unfriendly. So what do you want to say? Who gave you the mustard, Eli? It was... Is it? What did you say the guy's name was?

Starting point is 00:15:30 I told you a few times, didn't I? God, it's hot in here now. It is hot in here. Have you got the heating on? No. Are you sure? Yes, I turned it off right before we came in. Oh, it's too hot in here, mate.

Starting point is 00:15:38 I don't know what to say. I'm entering a food state. No, you're not. Who's Bob? We're entering a food state. So let's get into fooding. You told me the name Chris Weatherall is it? Who did songs for us. Who did like the country urban nude song and what was the other one? I can't remember. I say between. Again, it's a fugue state part of me.

Starting point is 00:15:57 I say between. Oh yeah, I say. Yeah, two fantastic songs. I say between won the competition. And so we said could you do in the song for next year, but we wouldn't be in competition because it's too good. And it was brilliant. It was, both tracks have been brilliant. Both tracks are brilliant, thank you. But it was his girlfriend who gave me this mustard, from Poland, is it, I think?

Starting point is 00:16:16 You, again, they spoke to you, not me, about the mustard situation. Sorry, I can't remember anyone's name. It was nice to meet everyone. I'm sorry we are ignorant human beings and we apologize. This is Polish, I believe, though. What does that mean then?

Starting point is 00:16:28 What does it mean to the mustard if it's Polish? Because mustard is a particularly British thing, right? Am I wrong? Is mustard a British thing? Absolutely not. Where's mustard from? Worldwide. All over Europe.

Starting point is 00:16:40 No, but it must have originated somewhere, originally, like the common mustard flavor. I would say it's from the Germanic part. No, don't with the goat, don't get that pissed. On the website Britannica.com, they say mustard, a condiment made from the pungent seeds of either of two herbs. Two herbs. The principal types are white, or yellow, or mustard, a plant of Mediterranean origin, or Indian, mustard, which is of Himalayan origin. Or Himalayan. That goes far and wide, doesn't it?

Starting point is 00:17:11 It's complicated. It's just funny then that the basic ingredients of mustard seem to have been a universal accepted food mix. Yeah. And also, if you think about it, spice was so important for early colonial expansion. Oh well, without that we wouldn't have found the Americas and all that shit and all that stuff. All of that found the Americas a bit problematic. I mean yeah, you know what I mean. But you know what, why?

Starting point is 00:17:32 Why? When you find it, people were living there. But from the point of view of the spice traders, they discovered a part of the world they didn't know existed. They did, and they were horrible colonists. Absolutely. Okay, right, yes, we're on the same page. But I'm saying there was all that thing about pepper and chilli, but mustard, because it originated in the Mediterranean, it was early

Starting point is 00:17:56 on, must have been used much before black pepper or chilli to spice up food, if you see what I mean. Black pepper. And it has a heat that is totally, I know we've discussed this on the podcast before because I love sauces, but mustard has a different heat profile, it's a sulphurous heat profile. Like a horseradish. Yes, yeah. And horseradishes are also native to Europe I'm sure, they're related in terms of the heat they produce but different. Question. Yeah. These haven't got fish in have they? I would not have thought so. Because if they are, why would they have fish in them? Just in case, you don't know do you? We can check Paul. They're Polish Mustards, maybe Polish Mustards have a sardini aspect or something. Well these are different, different flavoured Mustards. Yeah, we've got three jars. Three

Starting point is 00:18:36 jars. It's like light Mustard, dark Mustard, darker Mustard. We've got one that looks like it's just got onions in. Onion mustard, never had that before. Mustard, zibububliub, zibububliub, that's what that says. Next one is- I'm gonna do a little picture search just to see. Mustard delicatessione, and it looks like this is a chili one. That's chili, it's got little heat.

Starting point is 00:18:59 It's got little chili heats on it. And then the last one is starol Polska. And it's another little chili heat one, but it's only two where the other one was three. No, that can't be right. It says, what do you mean it says there? And this one says smack spreads lat. That's had three chili heats and that had two chili heats. Oh yeah. So don't you call me a liar on my podcast.

Starting point is 00:19:21 I wonder if it's chili heats or if it's just mustard heat. Mustard heat. We're going to find out, aren't we? Isn't that funny? Because as ever, we're just going to force it into our gobs on spoons and not have anything delicious to dip it in. We've got those crisps to do. Then we're mucking up the flavour of the crisp.

Starting point is 00:19:37 It's your call, mate. Yeah, there's no neutral crisp in that selection for us to get a basis. You know, you can't overwhelm it with steak and kidney. It says Jerusalem mustard. Right. What does that mean? Maybe it's got Jerusalem artichokes in it. Are you allowed to eat those? What are Jerusalem artichokes? They're a thing that aren't artichokes that look a bit like ginger and make people fart.

Starting point is 00:19:58 Why wouldn't I be able to have one? I don't know, maybe you know. Oh, I've never had an issue. It's only fish and seafood products. Yeah, anything that comes out of the water weirdly is... Seafood as well. Clams, whelks, mussels, cockles, eels. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:13 Oh, come on, name some more seafood. Bass. Abalone. Perch. Goodbye now. Soul. Funk soul. Funk soul brother.

Starting point is 00:20:22 Right about now? Right about now, yeah. Something like that. Right, can we just eat Right about now? Right about now, yeah. Something like that. Right, can we just eat this stuff now, please? Yeah, it's all mustard, isn't it? Yes, it's all mustard all the way down. I think Rolsky must be a big brand

Starting point is 00:20:32 because there's a lot of products here. They've got squeezy ones. Well, you know. They do what looks like mayonnaise as well. Right. Can we get on now? It's 15 minutes in. We really should be getting on.

Starting point is 00:20:44 No, onto what? I'm just going to open this one. Let's just, let's try them in order. What order? In what order? The onion one first. Right. And then ascending heat. Open it. I'm going to open it. This one is the first jar. It's the lightest of coloured of mustards. And this is the one that's got onions on it and it's only got one chilli. Right. Pop, which means it on it and it's only got one chilli. Right. Pop!

Starting point is 00:21:06 Which means it's good and it's safe. I'd say that in fact, if you think about it, it's not an English thing, mustard at all. Oh, boring! I'm sorry, Christ! Let's just get eating, man! You're such a cunt sometimes. No, come on, let's just get eating, man! Why do you have some of that?

Starting point is 00:21:19 Right, I like the smell of this. I'm going to give it to you. I want you to tell me what you think it smells like and I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you. that? I like the smell of this. I'm going to give it to you. I want you to tell me what you think it smells like and I guarantee you we'll get spot on. It just came into your head?

Starting point is 00:21:34 The product in my mind it smells like, you will instantly go, oh, that's that. Come on. It's such a recognisable smell. It's weird. Come on. Give me a clue. I mean, I'm... It's a known Heinz product. Oh, salad cream. Yeah. It smells exactly like salad cream. I said, you know what? The word salad cream came into my head, but I thought, no, is that

Starting point is 00:21:59 what it means? It's too obvious. Well, that's why I said that's why I knew you were going to get it. It's so obvious. It's like salad cream. Yeah. And I like salad cream. Do you know what else totally smelled like salad cream? Gareth, weirdly. No, that the Monster Munch, um, the Monster Munch, it had Monster Munch mayonnaise, which you tried. Had we tried, was it last week that we tried that? No, it was two weeks ago now. Yeah, before you turned into a demon. Yeah, before it was the demon episode, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:22:24 Yeah. I hope that didn't have anything to do it? Yeah. Oh, don't bring it up. That didn't have anything to do with it. No, just don't bring it up again. We're moving on. Yeah, Paul, I'm just going to finish my mustard point. Kalkalkoff is a bad demon. See, I remember that. I'm going to finish my mustard point.

Starting point is 00:22:36 Because you think about French. They've got the smooth and all the bubbly with the poppy bits. Wait, mate. Have you never had a whole grain mustard? You never had a whole grain mustard? Yes, I have had a whole grain mustard. Well, they don't do whole grain mustard here. It the poppy bits. Wait mate. You never had like a whole grain mustard. You never had a whole grain mustard. Yes I have had a whole grain mustard. Well they don't do whole grain mustard here, it's a French thing.

Starting point is 00:22:49 Right. So immediately there, you're wrong. About what? We only have one. About England being the home of mustard. I didn't say that. You asserted it. I said.

Starting point is 00:22:58 You asserted it. It's an English thing innit. You were like, oh gammon, we put it on our gammon don't we. Yeah yeah yeah. Mate, I was just saying, my enqu inquiry was, is it an English condiment? Is it mostly known as an English condiment? Absolutely not. Right, that was my point.

Starting point is 00:23:13 I wasn't decrying anyone's belief, or was I stating that it was the British condiment of choice? But English mustard is famous world over. So maybe that's what you've been... Oh, this is fucking getting dragged out now. It's only an hour, mate. We're flying through this. 18 minutes in.

Starting point is 00:23:28 No, we're not, because this is the first thing we've done. Come on. Stop piddling around with your phone. We're almost 20 minutes in. Mate, is that counting up or down? Up. Right, what's the point of that then? When it gets to an hour, we stop.

Starting point is 00:23:41 But then we still have to do the maths to work out how much time we've got left. And you were like, now I use my phone. So now we've got two things going, your phone and the recorder, showing the exact same time going up. Good. Do you want to start another one? So it makes no odds then, does it?

Starting point is 00:23:54 I don't know why you're getting so frantic. A timer counts down so we can see the oncoming deadline, right? Not counting up. We can just count up. We can just count for an hour. I can see it. When it gets to 50 minutes, I can see that it's 10 minutes to go. You may as well just stop the thing now! I want to do it! I like doing it! It's not going to go off in 20 minutes, is it? And go, oh game over boys! I'm just having some fun!

Starting point is 00:24:13 Yeah but you didn't even do the right thing! Before you go away to America! It's not fun! It's not fun! You're going to America! Yeah I am! This is in the future, I'll be back by then, unless I'm dead! This could be our last episode! This is what I'm saying, so be nice! Be nice! No, I want people to remember me as a bastard who hated everything about what he does and who he is. To have some mustard, okay? I'm ready to spoon the mustard into the gob. I'm gonna have a bit of it. I'm not gonna have a load because I don't know what the strange is. This is the onion stuff. Yeah, this one that smells of salad cream and I quite like the smell of salad cream.

Starting point is 00:24:43 Don't do it on the mic, turn your face. Oh, I like that. That's very sweet. And to me, that's just salad cream. I get the mustard notes. They're there, but that is like 87% salad cream. It's very mild and sweet, yes. But there's a granularity that you can get the powder when it gets down.

Starting point is 00:25:04 Yeah, the grittiness. Yeah, slight grit. Yeah. Which isn't in salad cream. Do you know what I mean? That's smooth all the way down. That's why I said 87%, isn't it? And not 100% salad cream.

Starting point is 00:25:12 Oh, I think that's nice. That'd be lovely on a sausage. Or a sandwich, a nice cheese salad sandwich or something. Oh yeah, lovely. I might take that home with me. You know, you can keep one of these, but you're not into it. Well, I like that one the best. I've only had that one yet.

Starting point is 00:25:26 So how would I know which one's the best chip that I get to keep? You get to keep as many or as few as you like. Well, let's go with this one. This is the- Thank you very much for sending them in. The two chili heat. This is the one that-

Starting point is 00:25:36 You're giving them to me after the live show. One day I'll finish a fucking sentence on this podcast. Snack spretzell lat. I don't know what that means. Is this the hot one or the really hot one? The middle one, the middle hot. Good, right. Sniff it, different smell.

Starting point is 00:25:48 Kind of almost the same as the previous, but with a little bit kind of more of a smoky funk to it. More smoke and funk. It's similar, but different. Oh yeah, it's much... It's like darker roast. It's a deeper, yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:03 It's a bass note, rather than a high, yes. Yeah. It's a base note. Yeah. Rather than a high note. That had a vinegary high note that's missing from this. Yeah. The first one's had a vinegary high note as well. Just walking it back through. You know what I mean though?

Starting point is 00:26:14 Very vivid memory of it. Do you know what I'm getting at though, Paul? Still got stuff in my nose. Oh, come on, man. I'm in the beard. Anyway, have a little go of it. It's much deeper, richer, fuller sort of smell coming off. Yeah, it's right up there, right up in its guts.

Starting point is 00:26:28 Right, I'm going to do it now as well. Here we go. Nuff-dee-nuff-dee. Much coarser. Very coarse. Sparkles of heat rather than a warmth, rather than like a chilly warmth. It's sweet. I think the Polish style of mustard is much sweeter than, because like English mustard

Starting point is 00:26:46 has no sugar in it, I don't think, does it really? It's all just the heat. I don't know. You don't eat English mustard? No, I'm not a big, apart from hot dogs. Yeah. It's weird. If you go for American style on a hot dog, French is.

Starting point is 00:26:58 Yeah, exactly. Which is nice. So far there's like the kind of much of a muchness. It's like the only thing that really differentiates them is the second one we just had was a little bit more coarse. It was more coarse and it's funny it's in between like a whole grain and a smooth mustard. It's almost in between which they don't do in British mustard either. I think this is going to be the same the third one.

Starting point is 00:27:17 I'm going to taste it just for completeness sake. It was slightly hotter than the onion. A little bit but as I say sparkles of the heat rather than a note, you know, like what's the word I'm looking for? Like a blanket of heat on the tongue. Okay. It's because you've got the bits then as they sort of break up, then they release their, their mustardiness. This almost smells the same as the last, except. I bet it does.

Starting point is 00:27:38 There's a high egg note to it. There's more egg. There's more of an egg note to it. Well, that would be the sulphur because you know that's what causes the heat. Yeah yeah yeah. In mustard. Well the first two didn't have an eggy note. A little bit more eggy. But those first ones didn't really have the same eggy note did they? Eggy note.

Starting point is 00:27:53 It's got an eggy note. So did Garry P. It's funny enough. True. Ladies and gentlemen, yes that is the only gag for this week's episode. It's like a phoog state. We're building the themes going. I tell you what, when he waved it over my nose, I was like, phew. That was a bit weak. That was very weak. Can I taste a little bit of this? I'm going to have a little taste of this. Now off we go.

Starting point is 00:28:14 This is the hottest. Again, back to Smoother. Oh, it's got that, it's got a little bit more bite of the mustard at the end. It does. It's also got- Not particularly hot, sorry. It's also, maybe I need to have another bite, but there's like a weird licorice note in there, weirdly. I don't know what that is. Yeah. But there's like a dark slither or something. Yeah. Almost bitter, almost like a licorice-y bitterness, yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:37 Weird. Yeah. Barky kind of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rooty, I don't know. Herbal. Yeah. All lovely. All a bit too sweet. But... That is the Polish style of mustard is very sweet. With pork products, fatty pork products that'd be really nice. It'll cut through

Starting point is 00:28:54 the sweetness and the hot heat. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they eat a lot of pork in Poland. Do they? I hope it's Polish. You do? Because they do have sausages and hams. Various ha hams. Well if we are incorrect we'll obviously correct it the week after next won't we or something, I don't know, we'll get shout without feeling bad. Did you notice though that that was back to the smoothness

Starting point is 00:29:14 level of the onion one and the middle one was coarser than both of them wasn't it? Bitty, bitty. More bitty, yeah. I'd say my onion one was number one, then the hottest, and then my least favorite was the kind of granular middle one. Would you agree with that? I think yes, but the last two were kind of evil or awful for me really. And I only really like the first one because it's a nice salad cream replacement. Do you want to keep that in your fridge when you get back from America? Yeah, I might even have a little bit tonight on a Sammy, a little butty or something.

Starting point is 00:29:46 Great, and I'll take the other two. Alright, good, well whatever one's happened. Waste not want not, thanks for sending those in. Thanks for sending them. We're not sending them, giving them to me in person. To us, donating it to the podcast. And me completely forgetting what your name was. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:29:55 Sorry. This, someone else gave me these. Do you remember who that was? No. Male, female, or? Male, and they are from a Scandinavian country. Was it the guy who, the last podcast tickets? Could be. Was he Scandinavian? We're horrible people. We're horrible. We were, I was drunk

Starting point is 00:30:15 quite quickly. Yes you were. Whilst I was like... Which is a totally responsible thing to do for a man who's almost 50 and is able to hold his booze and is having a nice time with people who support a podcast he's involved with, Paul, at one in the afternoon in a drinking establishment. After the show was finished, it took me about 11 minutes to thank you to the staff, clean up, get the equipment out of the green room, get the audio onto the hard drive, speak to everyone, make sure everyone was cleaned out, get the laptop, all that stuff, come out and then see everyone. You were fucked by that point.

Starting point is 00:30:46 I wasn't fucked. You had Eli's glassy eye drunk look on you, where it was like, I've already had two G&Ts and it's party time for Eli and you're just going to have to fucking deal with it. That was the look you gave me. Paul, let's not turn, make this a recreation match. I mean a... A repreation match. That is not a word. I don't know what that word is. So anyway, you don't remember who they were, we'll never know now, but if these are yours...

Starting point is 00:31:11 Do you have the crisps? The garlic crisps that came with them? No, you ate them, didn't you? There were two packs. Yeah, but you had both packs. Oh, Tom got the other pack. No. Speak closer to the microphone, stop leaning back or put on the cameras.

Starting point is 00:31:21 Tom got the other pack. Or pull it closer to you. If you want to lean back. How's this? Yes, thank you. Tom got the other pack. Trying lots of fucking levels and there you are leaning back from the mic and going RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR pack and he's got a whole bunch of stuff that was given to us after the live show don't you remember? Yes but I thought you said you had both packs of crisps. No I only had one. Right because when we spoke last and you said how much they were lovely you implied that you had both bags. Anyway. And I asked you to bring it today and so now you're saying that isn't happening. Let me just say this mystery Scandinavian guy who gave me those crisps and those sweets that we're about

Starting point is 00:32:01 to try now thank you very much and can, Paul, I've never actually come across a crisp flavored with garlic. Have you had garlic crisps? I don't remember. Yeah, maybe. We must have done it on Barsh and your cheap show. I don't think a pure garlic flavored crisp. I don't think a poor garlic flavored potato crisps.

Starting point is 00:32:21 Because let me tell you something, Paul. Let me tell you something. I tried them. You were there. It was at my g Let me tell you something. I tried them. You were there. It was at my gaff. I opened them. I ate one and deep down inside me, I knew I'd be eating the rest of those, that packet of crisps right then and there.

Starting point is 00:32:34 Something inside me, something so strong. I know that I can make it. Cause you're doing me wrong. So wrong. So wrong. There you go. Oh, they were delicious. We do have fun. They were delicious. Those are

Starting point is 00:32:48 garlic crisps. So let's just open one bag so we don't waste them in case one of us doesn't like it or does like them. Sure, sure. So these are by a company called and again forgive the pronunciation. Let's have a little visual search so we can get any more info mate. They're a company called Scour S-K-A-W-A. Here give it

Starting point is 00:33:04 here I'm going to lens it. Lens it. Wait you could have just used this pack, we have two. I just gave you it for nothing. And they're called Dre's Marinazi Smietanki Cow. These are Polish. With Smaku. Perhaps they gave the lady who gave me the mustard gave me these as well. Are they mints? Yeah. Is that what it translates into? These are mints. It looks like a sailor on the front. It does, like a little Mary sailor. You can get extra large ones. Oh.

Starting point is 00:33:29 XXL. And there's lots of seagulls floating around them for some reason. I don't understand what that's all about. Sailor's mints. Do you know what's... Is that like a fisherman's friend? No, but is that like a fisherman's friend? It could be, but sailor's mints is actually a condition that don't don't

Starting point is 00:33:46 why not because I know where you're going to and I'm not gonna have you do a mincing sailor man no I mean mincing it mincing as in sort of a vegetable mat like minced meat the content of their we're moving on and you've been at sea for a long time all right don't open it cuz I've got this bag we just keep one open so yeah give it a sniff a snuff and a half a jocelate. A sweet minty hoof. And there's little white beads in here. Little bonbonny kind of mints. I bet they've got licorice in the middle or something. Are they going to be chewy or are they going to be full of it? You're going to crunch them down anyway. It's one of your little habits, isn't it? They might be soft like a bonbon. Oh, they've got a

Starting point is 00:34:21 vanilla smell. Yeah. All right, here we go. It's vanilla and mint. No, they're not mint. I don't know what that is. They're little bready balls. They're not. There's chocolate in it, also. Yeah. And bread.

Starting point is 00:34:32 What is this? It's very vanilla-y. They're like little kinder balls. What is this? It's very vanilla. I don't like that. They're soft, aren't they? Maybe it's because I've not had sugar in a while properly.

Starting point is 00:34:44 And these are hitting my taste buds real hard. Very sweet. I don't like the. They're soft, aren't they? Maybe it's because I've not had sugar in a while properly. It needs to hit my taste buds real hard. Very sweet. I don't like the texture. I like them. It feels like chalk, almost chalky with a kind of crumbly middle. It's like cake inside. Not for me. I can't enjoy them.

Starting point is 00:34:57 They're too sweet. They're too sharp and intensely sweet. They're like cake inside. Vanillary. They're like little icing balls with cake inside. I guess, yeah. It is like you just pull a piece of icing off a Christmas cake or whatever and then you swarf it down. Which is fine when you have cake to go with it and offset it. They'd be good on a cake, wouldn't they?

Starting point is 00:35:14 Maybe. Come on, try one more. No, I'm fine. They're not horrible. They're just not for me. I didn't find them very appealing. We've got to do half an hour more, Paul. We've got these, haven't we? Oh. very appealing. We've got to do half an hour more, Paul. We've got these, haven't we? They touch me proton-pro. So for some reason recently they brought out these fucking crisps and we got them sent to us at the live show. Who's brought them out? Someone, you can find them in B&A or whatever it's called and B&M and... B&A's at another show. No, you can find them in B&A or whatever it's called and B&M and... B&A is that another show?

Starting point is 00:35:46 Bow movement. No, you can get them in like, you know, Home Barg and B&M, those kind of budget discount stores. Warehouse stores. Yeah, warehouse stores. But what's interesting is that for some reason the branding of these are all based on the mascot of the 1980s quiz show, Bullseye, the bully, the animated bull. Who gave you these? I can't remember now. Oh, and there he was having a go at me for not remembering someone's name who came to the show

Starting point is 00:36:17 and he cannot remember shit himself. Dark shit. Sometimes I ask myself, whose is this beautiful house? This is not my happy home. These are not my beautiful kids. Tony Basil. Let the days go by. She choreographed that. Oh did she? See that's what the fact...

Starting point is 00:36:39 The big suit thing. Was that him? Her? Yeah. I didn't think that was. No she's not in the suit. She choreographed David Byrne. Oh fair enough. They worked it out. She's genius. No, Tony? Her? Yeah. I didn't think that was. No, she's not in the suit. No, I know. She choreographed David Byrne.

Starting point is 00:36:48 Oh, fair enough. They worked it out. She's genius. No, Tony Basil was a genius. That is great. The way he dances in that video is so brilliant. Yeah, and iconic is like. It's an iconic bit of choreography, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:36:56 Of the 80s specifically as well. Anyway, I'm glad I remembered that. Finally had these things come round because everybody, we were having a little conversation about Tony Basil before. Yeah. Because she was in a horror film as part of a videos YouTube series. It was like, I'm surprised no one noticed her. She's had this crazy career of doing everything for the past 60 years or something.

Starting point is 00:37:11 Yeah, but dance and music and art. Yes, but I've got some singles of hers. We'll do them on another episode. We'll do a Tony Basil appreciation episode. The youngest amongst us wouldn't necessarily know anything about her because she didn't have a big cultural moment for at least 30 years. Do you see what I mean? 20 years. Until she released Mickey in the 80s. Yeah, that's 40 years ago.

Starting point is 00:37:30 And that was a remake of a British glam band or something, wasn't it, that song? Yes. Hey Mickey, you're so fun. It was a cover version, yeah. She added the kind of cheerleader beat to it and obviously choreographed the video which is iconically 80s. But that was already, 80s was 30 years ago. Yeah, she was in her 40s when she released that I think or late 30s.

Starting point is 00:37:46 So she was, I'm not going to say past their prime, that's obviously not true, but you know she was like, she wasn't a young artist when she released that. So anyway, going back to Bullseye, which is you know, the way we work on this podcast, we're a little show of segues and tangents aren't we? Right. Tegues and tangents. Sanjans, aren't we? Right. Take away some Sanjans. The mascot of the game show Bullseye is an animated bull that dressed like Jocky Wilson, you know, in the old darts uniform, I think, of its era, genuinely. It certainly fucking shits on Dusty Bin.

Starting point is 00:38:28 321. 321, god. Yeah, 321's legacy is completely defiant by its absolute fucking nonsensical bullshit and cheesy, awful acting and comedy sketches. Yeah. Borgs Eye is a legitimately great concept for a game show, expertly achieved, and I think, you know, nice and complicated

Starting point is 00:38:46 that allows anyone the chance to walk away with the top prize even if you lose the first round. Well, that's what you were saying to me the other day, Paul, about it. You think, but you know that relates to why they think that football, soccer is the world's most popular sport. Why? Because the underdog has the biggest chance, statistically, of an upset of winning. Okay. So people like that underdog story potential. Well that's exciting. That makes it exciting. Here's the question. You know they always

Starting point is 00:39:17 fucking gave it a go. Like they brought out Bulls-Eyed Darts and then they did that big break snooker. Didn't work the same way. No, big break was still successful, right? A snooker but a game show. Snooker was huge. Darts but a game show. Then there was also Jimmy Tarbucks, what was it called? Golf. It was a golf one, but it was called like,

Starting point is 00:39:34 First Stroke or- T-Off with Tarbucks. Back hole or something, I can't fucking remember. Jimmy fucking Tarbucks, Timmy Tarbucks, what is his name, Bibby Tarbucks? Johnny. Johnny Tarbucks., Timmy Tarbuck. What is his name? Bibi Tarbuck. Johnny. Johnny Tarbuck. Jim.

Starting point is 00:39:47 Jim Tarbuck. All words sound like nonsense now. Now I literally can't think of the name. Jami Tarbuck. Jim, Jam, Jim, Jam, Jam, Jam, Jami. Pavarotti. Pavarotti, Jim, Jami. Doesn't matter.

Starting point is 00:40:00 The point is- Bobby Tarbuck? The point is- What's he called? Jimmy Tarbuck. It's Jimmy Tarbuck. It is. Yeah. It's Jimmy, yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:09 Ho ho! Anyway, what I'm surprised by is that there's never been like a football game show where football as a sport is part of the point scoring. I mean, I know maybe it's not practical. Maybe they need to do those kind of more parlor gamey kind of indoor sports. That's the point, Paul. It's the parlor aspect. It's the sort of... But why wasn't there a bowling game show? You could have done a bowling game show.

Starting point is 00:40:29 Oh I'm sure there have been. Maybe not in British TV. Yeah that's true. I'm sure there's been American. The Brunswick TV game show half hour with Questions and Bowling. I'm sure there's been stuff in America. That would work similar to Balls-Eyes. It's totally the same. I mean you could just, you could transplant it couldn't you?

Starting point is 00:40:44 Yeah. I mean... You could transpose it onto bowling. Yeah. So I'm just saying it's just an interesting thing, isn't it? As I said, anyway, the point is for some reason some cunts have created a company called Bullies and then they're licensed the mascot from Bullseye to advertise their new range of crisps. This is the long story way of saying we're eating four packets of crisps. Crisp number one. But what I noticed is that... In the one! Yeah, we could do that with each packet of crisps.

Starting point is 00:41:11 Number two, we get it for two crisps. But no, it's interesting that the company that makes these is literally called like Bulls or something. Bullies. Yeah, produced in the UK for Bully Trading Limited. There you go. But I'm wondering, did someone set up a company just for like Bully licensing? Probably.

Starting point is 00:41:30 And this is one of their kind of tendrils. I bet they just own the thing and they maybe put the crisps in the packets or something. Anyway. And I bet there's some other bigger crisp manufacturer who makes the crisps for them. There's a fucking QR code on it. And also on the top, it has the catchphrase from Bullseye, which is Eli. Throw a dart at it, hello.

Starting point is 00:41:48 Throw a dart at it. That's what we all remember, isn't it? Throw a dart at it. What is it? You can't beat a bitter bully. Or you can go two in the back, two in the pink, in the stink, whatever that one is as well. You can't beat a bit of a bully is a very forgettable... You can't beat a bit of a bully!

Starting point is 00:42:06 Yeah, but we all recognise it, don't we? I didn't remember it. Stay out of the... Stay in the red and out of the black. Don't do that or you won't get your prizes back. Something like that, that was the phrase, wasn't it? Right I'm gonna do the QR code now, dad. Scan me for more bully!

Starting point is 00:42:19 Oh, I'm gone. Right, I've opened it up and where does it take me? BullySnacks.co.uk He wants to confirm if I'm over 18., I've opened it up and where does it take me? bullysnacks.co.uk. He wants to confirm if I'm over 18, what kind of website is this? What kind of website? Probably a website we can spend money. So, oh, they have beer, that's why.

Starting point is 00:42:34 Yeah, of course. So they do bullies, crisps and beers. All crisps created on a farm in Yorkshire using homegrown potatoes. These small batch hand-cooked crisps. Oh, an absolute bullseye for sharing with a bully beer, and then they have bully beers, and bundles, bully beer bundles. Fair enough. What's the beer they have then? Because they have three flavours. Game On lager, Bullseye craft lager,

Starting point is 00:43:00 and that's it I think. Yeah just the two. Game on and bullseye. You know, fine. Four percent. They're going to taste like absolute piss. Well, we don't know these crisps. They're kind of bigging up the crisps, aren't they? Let's get into it. We've got four flavours to get through. We're going to start with... I don't think we should start with those. Why not? It's cheese and onion. It's the most boring of the three flavours you've got. Because it will affect my mouth. Fine.

Starting point is 00:43:22 What do you want to do then? Because we've got salt and vinegar, a meat one and another meat one. So what do you want to start with? I thought this is the most neutral. Let's start with one meat one. Please. Do you want to do chilli beef, sizzling chilli beef or do you want to do steak and ale? Steak and ale please. Yeah, actually meat and potatoes flavour.

Starting point is 00:43:41 It's meat, well it's... Apart from potatoes. Meat and beer. Well it is meat and potatoes, it's meat flavour and they're crisps. Yes sir. But there's potatoes flavour in it. Well, it's... Apart from potatoes. Meat and beer flavour. Well, it is meat and potatoes, it's meat flavour and they're crisps. Yes, sir. But there's also beer in there. They received the proper bully treatment.

Starting point is 00:43:52 What does that mean? Does that mean like he drives them there on a thing and then ejects out the seat and then leaves people to die in the back of his bus? Which I've never understood. Oh yeah, that's in the animated intro. Yeah, they have a lovely crust and they're're lovely with beer, and you can get gifts. They have a crust. Chris don't have a crust. Bread has a crust. Scan the QR code for gifts, darts, leagues and venues. What does that even mean?

Starting point is 00:44:18 It's sort of like a vertically integrated company that's trying to be all about supplying venues and pubs with a British and also they've got the darts they play darts in those places so it's all like you know and still representative of a type of British pop culture in the early 80s yeah we all know what I'm getting at but that when people say oh Britain ain't what it used to be they're thinking of basically balls I you know it's what it comes down to I don't know I think that's your way of looking at it, but... Just saying, that's a reductive way of...

Starting point is 00:44:47 Working class, are the words coming to my head. Yeah, but to be fair, think about how there's not much of a representation of the working class properly on TV in that respect. Anyway... There's none, we're all the fucking working class now. There's never going to be a Will Tappers and Shunters Club again. That kind of thing, really. That's because fucking Thatcher and her like have ironed out...

Starting point is 00:45:05 A little bit of politics there, ladies and gentlemen. A little bit of politics. Thatcher, boo! Reagan, what a bastard. Right. Have ironed out any union or labour solidarity? This smells like... No, this smells like a horse's stable.

Starting point is 00:45:17 A horsey? It's got a horsey musk. Smell this. Is that the ale? Tell me this. Doesn't it sound like you've just opened a box with a dead animal in it? It won't sound like that. I mean. It does, it sounds like that.

Starting point is 00:45:28 You said sound. I meant smell, and you're a cunt. So come on. I'm gonna jostle it. Jostle it and then huff. Jostle and huff. The jostle and huff. Yeah. I'm gonna put my whole snout in there

Starting point is 00:45:39 like a horse in a feed bag. Good, cause you're gonna regret that, trust me. Really? Yeah, go on. Steak and ale. There is a very... Oh, yeah, it's... There's a maniory stable scent. It's like hay.

Starting point is 00:45:51 Yeah. It's like, yeah. It's like mucking out the barn. Yeah, it's a grassy old wet grass and hay. Yeah. Off hay. Off hay. Pissy old hay.

Starting point is 00:46:00 Come on, add one. It might taste better. But there's also a herb, like an oregano top. Well, this is steak and ale, so maybe that's what we're getting there, the yeasty thing. I'd like to get a yeasty, crispy yeasty. Gareth's just outside, you know. Where would she go? It's coming through the door. I know, I put a draft excluder down, but it's not stopping it. I think it's the keel. Anyway, we're going to have one. They're ridged and they're thick.

Starting point is 00:46:25 They're thick, crisp and crunch. Nice. Standard. Standard. But very nice. Salty, got some umami. I don't know about the ale element. They taste more like a roast chicken, like a classic roast chicken to me.

Starting point is 00:46:40 Yeah, like a slightly more oxo-y chicken. Yeah. You know if you like, scribbled some oxo on a chicken crisp or something? Yeah, I scrib slightly more oxo-y chicken. Yeah. You know if you like scribbled some oxo on a chicken crisp or something? Yeah, I scribbled it all over, yeah. Gareth did the same thing on my nose. I like that. Definitely, you know, not like a hula hoop beef. It's not like that kind of beef. It's closer to a chicken. It's closer to chicken. Nice though. It's fine. They're ruffled and they're good, nice and crunchy. Thick cut. I think good value for money. I think they're

Starting point is 00:47:08 more like a quid something. These aren't too bad. Those are nice. Right, okay. Next one. I want to do salt and vinegar. It's a stringent and I want it out the way. Let's get the stringents out. Right, so this is a green pack. That was a brown pack. This is a green pack using the iconology of bulls-eye and bully. And green obviously is what walkers use for their salt and vinegar. Oh yeah that's a good point yeah, so it's going by the walkers routine. Who are the dominant brands? Pictures on our website thecheapshotacut.uk for this episode. Right smells like salt and vinegar Chris.

Starting point is 00:47:39 This isn't going to be anything, let's just get this out of the way. No that's what I'm saying, let's get it over with. Well they might be a fine solid salt and vinegar. Nice salt and vinegary smell on the nose. Yeah, no note. Salt and vinegar. They're like a McCoy salt and vinegar, aren't they? Yeah, exactly like that. And you know, no notes. There's nothing surprising, nothing overwhelming. They're good. Two for two, really solid. I want to do cheese and onion next. I'm just gonna have a sip of my. Alright. Jossel and Huff. Not so much

Starting point is 00:48:15 of a scent on this, bit cheesy featsy but it's not too strong. What's this cheese and onion? This is cheese and onion. Okay. C-H-E-E-S-A-N-E-L-N-I-O-N cheese and onion. Who sang that? Neil Innes and the Ruttles. He did indeed. Right stop it. I don't like that because you're doing it like it's a ball bag. Bit feetsy. It's a bit like strong cheese odour. Not a lot of onion, I'm getting a lot of cheese on the nose. I mean, that's what happens to you, of course, isn't it? Every other day. I was getting...

Starting point is 00:48:55 He's doubting that crisp. No, it's fine. It's very reminiscent of another cheese and onion flavour I'm trying to replace. And I don't know if it's like a square crisp flavor profile. That's right. Spring onion flavor square crisp. That's what you're getting. Well, I was thinking of the cheese flavor. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's that kind of cheese flavor. It's the KP sort of cheese and onion rather than the Walgreens.

Starting point is 00:49:19 I've always kind of liked to be honest. Yeah. I kind of like that. I know what you're getting. There's a distinction. It's less... It's more funky like a What's It cheese. It's to be honest. Yeah. I kind of like that. I know what you're getting. There's a distinction. It's less. It's more funky like a What's It cheese. It's more funky cheese, yeah. And we're all for funk around here. Oh, and the final one there. I mean, he is just outside.

Starting point is 00:49:33 I think he's getting excited. I'll do that joke. OK. I've been delivering those gags pretty regularly and successfully for the past 45 minutes. All right, fine. And I can see you jumping on the bound wagon to try and get a bit of that.

Starting point is 00:49:46 And it's a little bit. I want some of that Garif's knob of jock. Well, you have to wait for the right moment, don't you? We are into the last quarter of an hour here, Paul. I know, I can see it on my own recording system. Well, I'm just, I'm here with you, Paul. What's the back, back time it. How long have we got left?

Starting point is 00:49:58 Back time it quick, like a DJ would. We've got 13 minutes and 30 seconds. All right, that's about two tracks and a link or two between them. It's fine, it's good. Right, sizzling chili beef. This is the only one where we might be surprised by the flavor, because you know, steak, ale,

Starting point is 00:50:14 you can find beef, you know, cheese and onion. This is the only one that's ever so slightly unique. Judging by how those have gone, I think it's gonna be a sort of, you know, a disappointingly sort of sweet and un-chili-like chilli flavour. I've only just noticed this as well in the corner, they've got a bit of a drawing and a black ball and it says super smashing great. I want to know if they've got the license to use

Starting point is 00:50:32 that. Was that like part of the agreement to use the brand that you could use fucking Jim Bowen's phrases? Probably, yeah, because they seem to be, you know, they seem to be Bowen positive, don't they? Yeah, but you don't see Bowen's face on this guy's face on it now Is it gonna get an AI dead bow in voice? Perhaps they said to the lawyers. What do you think about putting super smashing lovely on and the lawyers said look that's it's so generic It's literally three very common words in a certain order. Yeah you see what I mean? So maybe you can't, you know? They had to cancel the one that they had going for a while.

Starting point is 00:51:09 They had Jimmel Crisp it. And it was like a big bag of like crisps that had Jimmy Savile's lace. Savile's crisps. There was a medallion on the packet with the crisp flavor on. You know like Savile's salt and vinegar. Come on get them open. Cheese and onion or whatever you know or jingle jangle beefy beefy or something i don't know whatever his catchphrases were

Starting point is 00:51:32 guys and dolls salt and vinegar i don't know guys and gals morg child yeah i don't know why he's an evil cunt he's such an evil cunt it's an evil cunt. He's such an evil cunt. Horrible human wreckage. We're coming into the last ten minutes. Let's open this. I'm jostling. Good jostling happening over there. Paul is opening the pack right now. He's got for the fresh huff.

Starting point is 00:52:00 And he's recoiled. Tangy! There's a definite chilli beef to this. OK. You know, like a kind of Taco Bell mince kind of thing. Yeah, that's what I mean. More like a Doritos. Very brown.

Starting point is 00:52:11 And they've got brownness as well. They've got like they've been spiced. Yeah. Yeah, it's that. Yeah, it's that. I don't like that flavour. It's that artificial chilli. And he's agreeing with me as he eats

Starting point is 00:52:23 the first crisp there. Well, it's fine but yeah I agree I don't like that profile. It's a different kind of funk I'm not quite in on. It's almost like an artificial chilli, it's almost like... What is that flavour, that spice they're trying to put in? What is that? It's pepper, chili pepper. Is it like a cayenne pepper or something?

Starting point is 00:52:50 Yeah, but it's... Paul, I'm about to say something and I think you're gonna enjoy what I'm about to say. Go for it. As long as you do it into the microphone. You know like coffee cake or coffee sweets have a certain sort of artificial coffee flavor. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:03 That is to real coffee what sort of this chilli flavor is to real chilli. Do you see what I mean? Yes. It's sort of an artificial... Like banana. Yeah, it's an artificial... I mean it reeks of taco bell. Approximation of chilli, but somehow it doesn't... it hasn't got the full flavor range of an actual chilli. Do you know what I mean? Well... And it's not very hot either. No, that's fine. They're my least favourite of all of them. Yeah, but I'm going to do the bully cocktail where I've got four crisps of all four flavours representative and I'm going to have a bite of them now and see what happens.

Starting point is 00:53:36 Let's find out. Let's find out. He's stuffed the whole lot in and he's crunching down. I wouldn't be wrong, right? He wishes he hasn't done that. He's regretting it. This might take 10 minutes. It's gonna take a long time. It feels like... Paul, did you ever fall for that thing where someone said I bet you can't eat these four crackers in five minutes? Yeah. Tried it. This is what happened. He looks like that. I'm having the same fucking problem. You're

Starting point is 00:53:59 having the same problem. There's bits of... I'm like being waterboarded by potatoes. There's bits of... I'm like being waterboarded by potatoes. Nice. All right. Thanks for listening, everyone. We've got ten minutes. Yeah. We do.

Starting point is 00:54:10 Well, slightly under. No. We don't want to just listen to you maticate for three minutes. Right, I'm done. I'm cleared. Me gob's empty. Your gob is empty. Shall we start?

Starting point is 00:54:20 Let's wind this up. What have we got to know? We've got ten minutes. What can we squeeze in before I have to have a lie down for my possession? I'm bringing it back to the story. Well, nothing. Let's talk about you going to LA, mate. No, because I'll be back by then. Don't care.

Starting point is 00:54:36 It's my holiday. Shut up. By the time this goes out, there's probably been pictures already of me going, I'm excited for you. Look at me! Will you? So don't worry about it. Don't take this in the time. Will you send pictures to me?

Starting point is 00:54:49 I'll send pictures to you and I'm going to go to that donut shop and I'll send you pictures. What I might try and do is take a like a Tupperwarey thing and get you on and bring it back. Bring a donut home with you? I can't, I promise I'll bring it home in one piece but I'm going to try. can find a little Tupperware thing I'll put a few in, put it in my suitcase. Please do be on, this is the last thing I'll say. Go on. Do be on the lookout for unusual soft drinks and stuff like that. Oh no, part of my remit when I'm out there is I'm gonna try and go to you know 7-elevens and come and goes or whatever and grab what I can. Do they have come and goes in that part of the country? I don't? But maybe. You know what's the one?

Starting point is 00:55:28 Dick and splash. I mean that's what Gareth did actually, come and go. Worked for me. Yeah, I didn't. Got me a high horse then didn't I? And then the horse went, threw me off. Yeah, absolutely. Christopher Reeve me. Oh dear. Jimmy Savile Christopher Reeve. They're not related to as in what they did was evil. Reeve was a fucking angel. He was an angelic man. Yeah, there's a documentary coming out isn't there now about him? About you know, the Hopi inspired person. Yeah, no, Jimmy Savile, not Jimmy Savile. I was going to say Jimmy Savile was the loveliest person I ever heard of. Don't say that. No, but I was going to say Jimmy Saville was the loveliest person I ever heard of. Don't say that.

Starting point is 00:56:06 No, but I was meant to say, I mean, it's Christopher Reeve, isn't it? It does seem like he was an incredibly lovely person. And that's why the casting for Superman was genius, wasn't it? It's that famous shot, isn't it, in Superman? Is it Superman or Superman 2 where he's all Clark Kent and he wants to reveal himself to Lois Lane and she turns around and he like corrects his posture and just in that one moment he literally goes from Clark Kent to that suit man. It's like, I know it's a superhero but like people underestimate just how he makes that fictional character work.

Starting point is 00:56:36 Yeah and it's because of that fucking, that, the sort of heroic goodness. The unironic horror that comes from him. And then all it takes is a Zack Snyder to say, oh no, I can't have honesty and purity and like what that character stands for. Let's make him a moody cunt. Let's make him a moody violent baby who's all stroppy and has a god complex. Which is implicit in the comics but explicit in all of his work. Because he doesn't know what the word subtlety is. Oh, Saxonide, if you're listening to this, meet me in the schoolyard tomorrow after school.

Starting point is 00:57:11 I don't think he's going to get a chance anymore. Punch him right in the knob. Didn't he do that big Star Wars piece like... Rebel Moon. Was that on Netflix or something? Who gives a fuck? Part two came out and then they mixed it together and who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? When people say, oh actually it was the most viewed thing on Netflix, I was like, well of course, because no one has to pay to use it so it's like no gamble for

Starting point is 00:57:33 them. Nor do they want to go out and see it. It's got a large viewing figure because it's new and you're bored and you go, oh I'll fucking watch that then. I'll fucking watch that then. And then Netflix sees you've watched 50 minutes of it and goes, that's the whole thing. Rebel Moon, my arse. That's my Rebel Moon. I watch that thing. Any films that you're hoping are going to be on the plane?

Starting point is 00:57:56 No. I don't think there's anything I'm going to look forward to watching, so I'm not even thinking about it. And what have you got lined up coming up for Cheap Show over the next few months? Whatever I bring back from America. We'll do that. And we've got loads of stuff from the PO Boxes and everything people gave to us from the live show.

Starting point is 00:58:12 You've said we can finish the Grumpy Sessions project. We've got a Grumpy Sessions project on the go. Please can we finish it? We'll finish it. We'll finish it. He's gone goblin mode right at the end. I'm going goblin mode. Stop coughing and you're not going to smoke when you're out there. No I tend to just naturally not want to.

Starting point is 00:58:29 It's so weird. It's why I might not come back. And then what are you going to do? This is what I was kind of concerned about. This is why I thought it might be the last one ever we ever do this. Yeah I might not come back. I might go out there and be a star. I don't think you'd...

Starting point is 00:58:42 Johnny Producer from America goes, hey buddy you look great for our new Tempol summer blockbuster movie. You'd run out of money it's even more expensive than London. I'll figure it out. I work my way to the top. I work it all hard to the top. And we're into the last five minutes everyone. This is where I mentally give up and start riffing on nonsense. Anyway, so he comes up to me and goes, do you want to be in the movie? And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll be making pancakes, that's my peccadillo! Can I fucking peg you? That's what I'm asking for! Then I would love to, not only-

Starting point is 00:59:31 And I ain't no producer! Well, that's fine, I don't care! Come to my house! It's up here! Yeah, let's go up the hills! Just a little way, I haven't got a car. Beep beep! I haven't got a car.

Starting point is 00:59:42 I know, but I've got a madness where I just go beep beep. I think I'm rogue on it. That's it. I'm pulling out. I don't want no crazies. You're pulling out? Hang on, have we done it? No, we've got four more. That was four more. You know what? We'd be perfect for this. We actually should have done some content in this last 10 minutes. You know what would be perfect for this?

Starting point is 01:00:00 This is pretty awful. You know who would be perfect for this? This is the risk with live show stuff. Listen, I'm going to go get him. Who? He'd be perfect for this. If you dare bring in a new character. Dick Mucal. No. He's not new. No. He's not new. I can't be arsed with characters now. You saw him. We did a nice bit at the top. He'll just watch the dance and you just tell the listeners what he's doing, okay? Dick! I don't like it when he does characters anymore.

Starting point is 01:00:21 Dick! They're always horrible. Oh Dick. Hello everybody. Eli, is he meant to be naked? Yeah that's part of the act. I mean it's famous. I just found it a bit. Whenever you're ready and you just describe what he's doing. Alright he's, okay, does he need music? Does he need music? He's jigging. He's kind of running on the spot and jigging and he's grabbing at his, I think his balls. I think he's reaching for behind and grabbing at his balls. Alright, that's that bit then. That's that bit then. So Eli, sit down. I just want to go through your character assessment.

Starting point is 01:00:58 No, that was Dick Nookle. I just want to do your character survey. A character assessment survey. We like to do this when we introduce new characters to the show. So, I just want to take some notes for the Cheap Show metadata. So that was the name, character's name was? Richard Muekel. Richard Muekel. And what does he do? What's his USP? He dances, he used to work in the music corps. And okay, and why was he naked? That's his part of his thing. They used to call him, I don't know if I can say this, but the little naked dwarf of Basingstoke. Right, the dappy dangler used to say he was called on the posters.

Starting point is 01:01:28 Yeah, he had several names. Yeah, because he used to do all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Right. The nudie nubbing of Basingstoke. Outside of the background story to the character, I just want to speak to you, Eli, the creator of that character. Are you happy with it? Not 100%, but... What do you want to work on it for next time? I would like some time to develop the character. He's only had a few minutes. Well, the survey gives you one more go with that

Starting point is 01:01:54 character and if it doesn't pass the second stage then we will be severing it from existence. Well, you'll have to build up to some huge story arc to kill him. Nah, Cheap Show don't do story arcs no more. It don't. You don't do nothing no more. Excuse me? You try and kill all the characters in the... That's why the Grumpy Sessions project has never been completed. No, it never gets completed because it takes a lot of work to do and I can't do the whole edit in one week so we have to split it up

Starting point is 01:02:16 but our schedule has been so mad the past few weeks that it's been impossible to get together to record it. As a result, we are still working on it, but I think we started in March didn't we? We did. We're fucking what? November now? It's been at least a year in the gestation. And it's shit. So we don't need to release it at all. See this is, yeah. This is now we come to it.

Starting point is 01:02:34 Anyway, this is my survey for you, not the other way around. Well. Anyway, I'm going to give him a four out of 10 at this point. Are you going to... With room for improvement in the next second opinion. Okay. I like the name Dick Mucle. Yeah, but we just need to make sure... We're in the last minute now Paul. Should we get say goodbye to everyone? No. Okay, well I'll say goodbye to everyone. Yeah, go on then. You've got

Starting point is 01:02:55 a one stop shop for all of your cheap show needs and that is. Here we go. Ten. Almost ten years. The Cheap Show dot com. No. G show UK dot com. No, not even UK. The Cheap Show dot co dot UK. Oh, dot co dot UK. And you can email us if you want to at thecheapshowatgmail.com. However, you're right. Everything else, go to the website. There are links to everything and everywhere. It's fine. Go. Thank you. We do have patrons who help support us, we want to thank you for that. We appreciate it and as we always say, we wouldn't be 10 years and 400 plus episodes deep without your help. So thank you. 10. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. 8. Let's add a minute. 7. Oh right, we're adding one minute then. Yeah. Right, we're down to one minute now. Yeah. Right. Not racist. Take that back. It was because I was revealing a little bit.

Starting point is 01:03:48 We're not going to add another minute then, don't we? No, a little bit too much about your... Peccadillo's. Yes. And I was revealing too much about your... Social anxiety. Peccadillo's as well. So anyway, that's our website, patreon.com forward slash cheap show is where you can go to if you'd like to get involved and get access to all kinds of cheap show. Lots of stuff there. There is lots of stuff. Exclusives just for you guys. So thank you all. About 30 seconds right now. And we'd love the support the patrons give us. Give what you can, but only if you can. Yeah, that's true. Right then. Where is he? Where is he? Who is he? Paul, you're going gonna come with me now, little lad.

Starting point is 01:04:25 We're gonna take you home. You've done an hour now. So we're gonna go, all right, Eli, he wants me to go with him. I'm gonna go back to him. Go on then, Paul. Go on, I can do the last 10 seconds. All right, and he's just gonna, what's that?

Starting point is 01:04:35 Just follow me. Where we go? Just follow me. Eight, seven, six, five. Please don't. Come over here, will you? Press the button, that's it. That's an hour and one minute.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Oh, I'm feeling better now. Hmm. Oh, Gordon Zola. Gordon Zola. Just press the button. Gordon Zola. Paul, this isn't what, press the button. I'm not interested in this anymore.

Starting point is 01:05:06 Bye everyone, see you next week on the Podcast Called Cheap Show. Bye!

CheapShow - Ep 409: Mustard Bully

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