CheapShow - Ep 41: Live @ The Bill Murray with Ashens

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

Live! From The Bill Murray in London, Paul & Eli present a reasonably special episode of CheapShow with Mr Special Guest himself, Stuart Ashen! In another typically low rent, omnishambles episode, the Cheap Chaps deliver a solid collection of bric-a-brac, lousy tat and grimy snacks! Eli gets dissed by Paul in an epic slamdown... if only the music cue worked! The audience foist some lovely presents upon the hosts. Stuart regrets every minute and Paul and Eli have quite a few "falling outs"! So, you know, the usual, only this time... LIVE & (largely) UNEDITED! Thanks to The Bill Murray Pub and Angel Comedy for having us! @angelcomedy @billmurraypub Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Make sure you're recording, Paul. Ladies and gentlemen, hello! It's cheap showtime, but this time it's live! I'm Eli Silverman, here's your other host, Paul Gannon! Paul Gannon! I can run, right? Yeah. Good.

Great, so just so we have the format... Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show! I'll fix that in the edit, it'll be fine. I did that bit already. Why are you not on the stage? You're short enough already, can you get into the light? Hello! Before we get it going, who's heard Cheap Show before? Now, who's not embarrassed to admit they've heard Cheap Show before? Thank you. There's a subtle difference.

If you don't know, it is the Economy Comedy Podcast with me and myself and me and myself. It's just you. It's all you. It's already started. Paul, what you need to do is lay out the lay of the land out. Shut your face. Where me and my good friend Eli Silverman hunt for the bargain bins, the charity shops, the pound lands of the country and return with a tat and call it an entertainment podcast. And you are our audience. Say hello.

Hello. Hello. There's always one. Listen to me, I'm special. You're not. Anyway, I've got the vengeance and the anger out today, so we're all right to start. How you doing? I'm special. You're not. Anyway, I've got the vengeance and the anger out today, so we're all right to start. How are you doing? I'm all right.

Yeah? Yeah. We're not doing this bit where I say how I am, are we? Well, we can banter. What? This isn't banter. This is... Not with that attitude. This is sucking.

This is sucking. This is sucking the life out of the room. Well, okay, what I will say is this then. This is going to annoy me all day. I'm going to be doing this. Jack it. Jack the mic stand. A lot of people on Twitter have asked us to do something we haven't done on Cheap Show in a while, which is to introduce each other in a way we seem fit.

So with that in mind, Eli. What a way we seem fit. Oh, my God, you can't pick everything that I say to bits. I can if it's utter nonsense. I'm nervous. We've not done a live cheap show in ages. Yeah, well stop spewing nonsense. Think. Think for half a second more before you enunciate

the words, Paul. Okay? Now introduce me. Come on. Oh no, it's me. No, you introduce me. Alright, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul. He has the air of a man who once had the ambition to be a professional golfer and still puts his clubs

into the back of his car at night and tells his wife he's going to play midnight golf but in fact he's dogging. Midnight golf? Don't interrupt! He's dogging and he's a lonely dogger and he's... That's like the worst country western song I've ever heard.

The lonely dogger. He's a lonely dogger and his wink... He's a lonely dogger. He's got a lonely dog in his basement. You're going to interrupt me, are you, the whole fucking way through? I'm going to hurt you. Yeah, and his winky shines in the moonlight, and the other doggers, who pretend to be his friend,

refer to him as the albino shiny slug. You know when I asked you to write an intro? That was it. You wrote that? In my head. Right. Was the inkwell dry when you wrote it in your head? Yeah.

Apparently so. Well, I did a lot of drafting. Is that it? Is that the whole intro? Got a few titters? Just a few. Come on. A few people wondering why they've come already.

If you've not heard of Cheat Show before, I'm going to apologise in advance. The next hour's going to be weird for you. Just kind of go with it. I've got my introduction for you sorted, but I've gone a step beyond. Can you hit it, please? Oh, she's gone. Should I fill in here, Paul?

Mate, the whole hour's just gonna go that what you are telling me? Fuck that shit, he's more like David Bellamy He spins that vinyl, he's a DJ when he's working He's fucking lazy too, he's always fucking shirking He lives in utter filth, that room he likes to jerk in House of Pickles, that's more like a gherkin Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man! Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man! Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man!

Who is the man? Right, here we go, he's like, he's got the precious figure He thinks that by unbeing can't go let me pull the trigger He's short and fat and hairy, quite the nasty figure He's not that short, fuck Danny DeVito's bigger Who's the man, who's the man, who's the silver man? Who's the man, who's the man, who's the silver man? Who's the man, who's the man, who's the silver man?

Who's the man? Come on, bring it home Beat, beat, bring it, I wanna hear everyone cheer Everyone has to sing this out loud now We're going for the full chorus I didn't write a flutter verse Bring it on! Beat! Beat! Bring it on! Everyone cheer! Everyone has to sing this out loud now! We're going for the full chorus! I didn't write a flutter verse! Who's the man?

Who's the man? He's the silver man! Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man! Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man!

Who's the man? Who's the man? He's the silver man! Who's the man? Oh he's the silver man. Who's the man? Oh, he's the silver man! You have no idea how proud I am of that. That's good. It was good, Paul. Thank you. Yeah, I know.

Except for the stuff about my figure. That's all I've written for the show. I'm spent now, actually. We just want to say thank you to a few people, actually, who have brought things along to the show, because obviously in the show we scour charity shops and food shops and all kinds of weird things. Before we get started, before we introduce our guest, a few things I wanted to point out. First of all, someone brilliantly donated. By donated, I meant I owe them three quid, but now I know. Stuart, three quid.

It's this. Teleaddicts board game. Ooh. Anyone listen to the podcast know we just did an episode where we played Deal or No Deal and Family Feud and Bullseye. It's like the inside of an 80s nightmare dream. Look at the colouring. How could it be more shit? It's more depressing.

More like, are these buttholes? He's got buttholes and Yorkie bars. Are you suggesting that Noel Edmonds fucked the Teleaddict set? Yes. Fine, I'm fine with that. He's just been spooging all over it. Anyway, that's the ball in terms of humour you can expect tonight on the show.

Look at his jumper. Yeah, it doesn't get more 80s. He's got a pen pocket. A what? A pen pocket. I thought you said pen cocking. I was like, what? It doesn't make any sense.

He's got a big remote control there. Do you want a question? Yeah. I'll get this. Right. You sure? I'm going to pick one at random. Here we go.

How are you on tugs? That's the name of the topic. Need you ask? Well, that's the topic. Okay. Who is in charge of the star tugs? Remember, 1980s TV we're dealing with here. That's like, are you speaking English?

Yes. Apparently there was a show that had a starship called the Star Tugs. Now frankly it sounds like a few websites I've been to in my time. I don't think it's that though. You're not going to get it. Captain Star was the answer. Fuck me. Good question Paul.

I'll give you, okay here's one you'll get Right? Legs and Co were dancers on what? Top of the Pops Thank you, there we go Now you get to be sneered at by Noel Edmonds What about Hot Gossip? They were sexier I'm not going down that avenue I'm more of a Hot Gossip guy I think Legs and Co came before Hot Gossip

I don't have the authority Does anyone know what came first? Does anyone know what we're talking about? You're going to need to work on your heckles, mate. I'm just going to get this out of the way now. If you can't deliver good, top quality heckles, don't get involved. It's embarrassing for you. It's embarrassing for us. Pans people, did you say?

Pans people were dancers on it, yeah. So what? You've got pans people. Yeah, pans people, Legs & Co. I don't think hot gossip dance, did they? Hot gossip dance, baby. Better believe it. Like? Yeah?

Kenny Everett was hot gossip. Oh, Kenny Everett was hot gossip. Oh, that's classy. Well, you look like Kenny Everett. They could show a bit more leg, couldn't they? A bit more risque. Anyway. Anyway, what else did we get?

Oh, we got another board game. We got another board game. Josh, what have you got for us? I've asked you to keep it a secret, and then you told me five minutes ago. So, ooh, the Big Brother board game. Is there a wine bottle I can sort of masturbate with? Let me check.

That's what I remember from Big Brother. Some woman, Kinga. It's brand new, fresh in box. I mean, why all the numbers? Because, I don't know. What do you want numbers for? They can't count in Big Brother. Is it bingo or something?

It's their one in the... Oh, yeah, they're the days, yeah. So you have to survive, don't you, basically? You vote each other off and stuff like that. So what, it's an eight-week board game you have to play, where once a week you get voted out of the game, because you, in the diary room, you went into the cupboard under the stairs

and spoke to a camera that doesn't exist, and was like, oh, I can't believe Eli. He says I've got fat hips. What, does he know the bitch? I don't know. He's whacking himself off with a wine bottle. Why? Ooh, I'm going to sit on a wine bottle.

We had a teacher in school we called Luke, even though his name was John because he was caught masturbating with a Lucozay bottle. On a tangent. Really? Yeah. Well, that's stupid, isn't it? Because it's like calling someone, you know...

And that was back in the day when they were mostly glass. Why would you call him Luke? Luke's a perfectly good name. Luke O's a... Because he wouldn't know what the joke was. Well, maybe he would. Anyway, he's dead now. Why not call him Bottle Wanker?

It doesn't matter. Surely that's got a bit more bite. It's not catchy. Oh, he's Luke. Ah, no. It's like saying, he's John. Ah. That says a lot about the schools we went to, I think, more than anything else.

My school, teachers were called Luke. Yours was Bottle Wanker. They used to call me... They used to call me... What's it? What are those things off the Wizard of Oz? Munchkin. Yeah, that's what they used to call me. You do look like the bad end of a lollipop stick story. Penguin or Munchkin.

What? What? That's what they used to call me. Lemonskin. What did you say? I didn't hear. Penguin! Penguin! Oh, that makes more sense. Lemon skin. Lemon skin. Anyway, thank you very much for that, Josh.

Thank you very much as well for the game. And we've got one more thing that an audience member has brought in for us today. This we thought we would never see in our lifetime. This is... This is big. I'm tearing up. All right. Don't go that far.

This is worth more than gold. Oh, yeah. Look at this. A pot noodle mac and cheese. Wow. Very hard to get these. Harder than you would have thought because they had a big campaign where they had the posters. Then I just didn't materialise. I didn't see any. Did you see any? I didn't see anything. Who found this again? Who found this for us? Where did you find it again? Anford. Oh, in Wales. On the floor. The Welsh get all the... Next to a bus stop.

The Welsh get all the fancy things. Oh, we love it in Wales. We always get the pot noodle mac and cheese, don't we? Better than the British who just get roast beef and tomato. Good accent, Paul. Thank you. I'm working on them. As opposed to your Mexican that begins everyone with,

oh, hello! Mexican people say hello. So do everyone else. It's a good word to start with if you're going to do an accent, actually, isn't it? No, fair enough. Name an accent, I'll do it. Someone in the audience, name an accent.

Romanian. Romanian. Hello. That's it. That's all you get. German. Pay extra. Hello. France.

I went, hello. And I can do France. Hello. Hello. Wow. Wow. No, this is not an echo chamber of stupidity. This is not an echo chamber of stupidity this is not an echo chamber come on get on so who's ever been to a show where one of the hoaxes puns to the other one in the

face they're fun uh so anyway we're going to try this in our next podcast i think i think we'll save it we'll save this for a taste test in our show and then you'll get i reckon this will be quite nice it's a mouth-watering proposition. It does say on the front, only use a kettle and a fork. It says, do not use the oven. Well, yeah. Do not use a bovril.

It will melt. Why would you want to piss in it? I mean, these taste bad enough. All you're doing is fudging the results. Ready in four minutes. Rip off lid. Oh, sexy. Oh, whip out the sachet this is really sexy yeah no rip off the lid oh whip out the sachet it's just pot noodle trying to be all edgy isn't

it well it's like their whole thing and then it's like danger danger noodle it's fucking bollocks is what it is it's a fucking it's full of corn flour is what it is and then it says leave alone for two minutes. Stare, then leave alone for two minutes. And it will still have crispy bits at the bottom, which you quite like. Then it says, find sachet, add contents. I'm presuming you would have found it before you poured the hot water in, as opposed to, oh, I've left it in the bottom. Ah, ah, ah.

Stupid people. And finally, grab fork and dig in. Why do I have to grab it? Can't I just pick it up pot noodle people? Fucking marketing bastards Why does everything have to be exciting? Can't I just fucking eat it? Grab it, whip it

Dance around like a twat Fucking hungry Now I remember why we don't do this show live So anyway Thank you for bringing those awesome things in. We're going to use them in our next... We'll use the pot noodle in the next show, but we'll save the board games, I think,

for our next TV board game special, I think, in 20 episodes time. I hope you stick around to listen. How are you? I thought we'd done this. Yeah, we have. Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, our special guest tonight is YouTube maestro himself,

Mr. Stuart Ashen. Here we go. Hello. So on a scale of 1 to 10, how regretful are you of turning up tonight? Right. So you're ruling out numbers over 10? Yes. I cannot answer that question.

Well, tonight we're going to play a few games. We're going to do tonight a game right now called Nasty Food. Brilliant. And after that, we're going to play... I'm so now called Nasty Food. Brilliant. Excellent. I'm so glad I didn't tell my agent I was coming. Good. Because there's no money involved in this. You know. Right. Moving on. Right. So then we're going to play

The Price is Shite. I love that. I love that. Yay! But don't get too excited. It's like yay. Understandably excited. And then to finish we will have a Cheap Eats. And Cheap Eats is being supplied by Stuart today. It is.

You will regret asking me. Oh, God. Also, they weren't cheap, but I did steal them, so it's fine. Good. So, again, like Cheap Show says, economy, charity, and theft. Either one. Mostly theft. So, let's get this first game going then, shall we?

Who's the silver man? Now I know. He has to unlock his phone. Mostly theft. So let's get this first game going then, shall we? Who's the silver man? Now I know. I'm going to unlock his phone. Anybody want to know? That is the best, isn't it? I've ever done an intro. It was good, Paul. Yeah?

Yeah, stop going on about it. Everyone clapped and everything. I was proud. That was my eight mile moment. I remember that bit where Eminem was like, she's gone. Yeah. And then had to run at the end. Yeah, I would love that. If that was in the final film, he went, hit it! Silence.

It's the wrong track, it's the wrong track. Oh, Kim Basinger, mother. Could your rap name be the albino slug? No, I'm going to steal from Zelda. I'm going to call myself Calamity Ganon. That's my rap name now. Right, so here's the game, Nasty Food. I'm going to give you a name of a dish.

And then if you don't know, I'll tell you what the dish is. But then you have to tell me how it's prepared and eaten. Okay? I will tell you that most of these things are vile. So, here's number one. Balut. It's from the Philippines. No, the Philippines.

Not the Philippines. Ah, the Philippines. Those famous people who make so much food. Oh, my God. These beans aren't cooking you haven't filleted them yet fillet the beans they'll still make you

something when you have oh I hate my mouth right a ballot is a type of cheese that they keep underground or something and it's full of maggots for flies

and then they like eat it and the maggots come out and bite them in the face and the government has banned it and then I flew

to the candy planet are you having a dream yeah no wait is this therapy all of a giant blue dog. No, wait. Is this therapy all of a sudden? The first bit was true, I believe. It's mango cheese, yeah.

What I will say is, you're wrong, but you are also psychic and you'll find out in a few questions time. Do you have an idea of what you think Ballot from the Philippines is going to be? Can you just say it clearly without mucking it up? Come on. Cough, chicken feces, cough.

Oh, mate, I'm going to kill him. Is it a chicken feces? No, it's not. Ah, it's not. Ah, it's not. Ah. No, no chicken feces. Cough. Oh, mate, I'm going to kill him. Is it chicken feces? No, it's not. It's not. It's not. No, no, that wasn't a guess. Obviously, that wasn't a guess. No, I know.

Just tell me what it is. What's it called? What's it called? It's called balut, and it's from the Philippines. And I'm going to go ahead and say, I might not get all the pronunciations of the words of these food right. Okay. But I'm going to try my utmost.

All right. And so, I have no, I mean, I don't speak that language. I'll tell you what it is, okay? It is a fertilized duck egg. But how do you think you eat this fertilized duck egg? With regret. Yeah. Yeah.

As quickly as possible. Extremely drunk. And then trying to hold it down. Yeah. Before your grandmother gets angry. To impress a lady. Come round to my place. I've got some lovely ballot on.

It's fertilised duck. Okay, so it is basically an embryo in an egg. Oh, it's more than that. I'll tell you what it is. No points there. It's a partially developed embryo inside the egg. It's boiled alive and then eaten from the shell with salt, chilli and vinegar. You're supposed to tap a hole in the top of the shell,

sup the savory liquid from the egg, and then crunch down on what's left inside, the feathers, the bones, the brains, the organs. It's all crunchy, okay. The ideal ballot is 17 days old, but in Vietnam they do like it 19 to 21. They like it a little bit more mature out there. So crunchy, nice.

Crunchy egg baby. Is there also a flavor of pot noodles yet? Yeah, pot noodle ballot. So who won that one? No one, no one got points. Next one. Okay, Shirako from Japan, or Shirako, probably. Shirako from Japan.

Do I go first? Yeah, you can go first this time. Is it some kind of fermented plum? No. Okay. That's your okay Cuban profile description. Yeah, my dick looks like a plum.

I actually didn't say that. You fucking implied it. I didn't know I was talking about your belly more than anything else. My balls look like fermented plums. You heard it here first.

Any single ladies. No. Salty plums. Salty plums. Oh, bless you. It's not a plum. It's not. Stuart, what do you think it is?

Right, Japanese. This is usually a bad sign. Can I tell you what the translation is? Please. As long as I get more information than Eli did, I think that's fair. No. Translated in Japanese, it means white children. That's got to be maggots of some type.

It's not the young bee maggots in honey? No. No. Okay, I'll tell you. It's basically the sperm sacs of cod, anglerfish, or pufferfish. It looks like big white globs of goo or miniature brain mass, and you can eat it in a nice custardy kind of pate. I'd eat that.

You can eat it raw or in a soup. I'd try it. Yeah? Yeah. You like that nice sensation of white sperm sacs bursting in your mouth? As long as they're not squeezing a fish onto my plate. You know what I mean? It's all to do with context, you know?

Nice sprig of parsley. Explain the context. Well, if it's... You go, oh, I'll have this. I'll have this shirikiru. Oh, that sounds good. Has it got garlic in? Because I don't eat garlic.

But I do eat sperm. Yeah, bring it out. Is it hot and steaming? Well, oh, sprig of parsley. Lovely.

You know, they're not getting a fish and fucking wanking the fish onto your plate, are they? Oh, get this cod off. Do they have to show the cod like gir girly mags of attractive fish beforehand?

That's the customer's privilege to decide what kind of cod porn to... I want to know what the fish equivalent of a health and efficiency magazine is. Oh, dear. Right, the next one. Angling times. I would try that. I mean, I wouldn't eat the embryo in a shell. But you might try the fish sperm snack.

Yeah, fine. Fish spunk pot noodle. Yeah. Ooh. Get the sachet out. Anyway, number three. It's called air rag from Mongolia. What do you think air rag is?

Is it some kind of Mongolian version of a prairie oyster? As in some kind of bovine testicle. Yeah, I mean, you're not far off, but you're wrong. I mean, actually, no, you're quite far off. It's a penis. It's a bovine penis. Mate, you've talked a lot about penises. I'm not far off. What's next to it? What, it's the perineum.

It's the barse of a... Oh, I'll have a lovely barse burger, please. Extra perineum. Alright, I'm wrong. Alright, Stuart, what do you think it might be? I was in the New Forest this morning. It was lovely. I know, and now you're here dealing with this. Oh.

You know, Mongolia. And he was close with testicles. No, I mean... Which is why he's into corn this week. I think I was probably close with the animal rather than the... So it's something you would be... Yak. No.

Sorry. Just have a quick guess and then we'll move awkwardly on. Beef cow eyeballs. Oh! No. The answer is fermented horse milk. They make a kind of beer called air rag in Mongolia by taking a male mare's milk

and letting it ferment into a fizzy, sour, and slightly alcoholic liquid. It's traditionally served chilled in a bowl-shaped cup. Dregs are supposed to be poured back into the main container. Could you just read that bit where you said a male mare? That piqued my interest. It's another sperm

one, isn't it? They're just trying to sugarcoat this being a horse sperm beer. It's just horse milk that's been fermented and turned into, like, dirty panda pops. F sperm beer. It's just horse milk that's been fermented and turned into like dirty panda pops. Fizzy milk. That's a lovely quote. Well, who here

hasn't had milk, put it in a soda stream and inflated the cats? We've all done it. Isn't soda streams sort of supported by the Israeli regime? And we're not meant

to mention it. Mate, let's stay away from the news like stuff. Not our forte. I believe their head office is in Suffolk, which makes me think probably not. So you might get this one because you were dangerously close earlier on. This is called casu marzu from Italy. Oh, that's where I got it confused.

It's some sort of horrible fermented cheese, and they let flies infest it with their maggoty children. And then you sort of eat it, and the maggots will leap out and try and eat your face. It is actually writhing. Yeah, you sort of eat it and the maggots will leap out and try and eat your face. It is actually writhing. Yeah. It is actually writhing with maggots. I saw Carluccio eat it.

Who's Carluccio? He's a celebrity chef, Paul. Don't talk to me like I should know all the celebrity chefs. Well, come on. He's quite famous. He's no Gary Rhodes. He tried to stab himself in the neck.

You know, him. No. He's a big fat Italian. Carluccio. You know, you get vongole. All I know is that he eats mouldy cheese and stabs himself in the neck. You know, him. No. It's a big fact Italian. Carluccio's. You know, you get vongole. All I know is that he eats mouldy cheese and stabs himself in the neck. That's all I know of him right now. He's a good chef, actually.

I need some elaboration on this stabs himself in the neck. He suffers from depression. Let's make a joke out of this. I'm not making a joke. I'm not making a joke out of it. This is a safe place. It's a serious business, mental health. All topics are good in comedy, apart from what you might be doing next.

And he famously tried to do something to himself. Famously. I was expecting a humorous story where he was getting a fish and slips. No, he was unhappy. Not an episode of Black Mirror. He wanted to take his life. So, yeah. Just coming back to something from before.

Yeah. That involves stabbing yourself in the neck. What is supported by the Israelis? Go on. Why? Israel. Israel. Yeah. That involves stabbing yourself in the neck. What is supported by the Israelis? Go on. Why? Israel. Israel. Yeah.

No, that as well. But there's these toothbrushes with now a handle that you get in restaurants. Oh, those chewable ones that you see in the toilets at airports. They're supporting a violent regime. But they taste so minty fresh. Yeah. It's a good product, but you know. So next time you clean your teeth, think about the death pot you're supporting.

Okay, so you're right. Basically, it's rotten cheese. It's one nil to... Yes, it's cheese that's gone really bad. The larvae of cheese flies are added to the cheese. They hatch inside, burrowing around, digesting the fats, and the result is a weeping,

tongue-burning delicacy that you can eat with or without the maggots, there is the option. I would eat that. It was apparently banned for years and sold only on the black market. I would eat that. I'd spread it so that they died first and then I'd eat it. Yeah? Yeah.

We may take you up on this. Yeah, we might take you up on that. I'll do it. Look what we've got behind the curtain. We are desperate. We are desperate on Boshians for new ideas, so we might be doing the cheese one. I will eat that. All right. Okay, number five, last one,

is called Stinkhead, and it's from Alaska. What do you think Stinkhead is, Stuart? Let's start with Stuart. I'm not asking you. Shut it. Well, I just thought we'd take it in turns. Stinkhead sounds like something from a Kevin Smith film, but I'm going to guess it is a rotten fish head.

What do you think it is? I mean, the fact that I've maybe just given it away by getting excited. Your Rolf Harris impressions. It was. That means I got it right. Oh, God. We're mentioning Rolf Harris already in the show.

We need to pull up. Pull up. He's all right. He's misunderstood. Those letters he wrote, it was just top bants. You know, locker room talk. So do I get a guess?

Yeah. Stinky fish heads. Yeah, it is. It is. It's fermented salmon heads. The heads of king salmon are buried in the ground and fermented in pits. They love that shit, don't they? Yeah, they do.

I bet they have a little piss on it as well, just to get it going. Let me just check how they prepare it. I can only imagine you went to a restaurant up there and they really didn't like you. Oh no, that's the way we do it. God, I hate you Eli so much. Yeah, no, there's no piss involved. Oh, good. But what they do do is they dig it up when it's

fermented and serve it as a kind of putty-ish mash. We've had putty-like food, weeping food. Oh, I know. Sexy times. A few honourable mentions as well, things that you don't have to guess because I just thought I'd mention these. Sanakji, I think it's pronounced. I might be wrong.

Sanakji is a raw Korean dish which consists of live octopuses and sesame seed oil. But the octopus is alive when you're eating it. Yeah, I've seen someone eat that. And people have died eating it because the suckers attach themselves to the inside of your throat on the way down.

Also, I heard that someone had a squig... I heard, big boy made me do a thing in the club. That's what I thought this sentence was going to be like. I thought it was literally going to stop. Big boy made me do it. Big boy made me eat an octopus. Big boy made me eat squiggly...

The single suckers got in my throat. He said it was Sanayaki. And then he finished it off with some nice Shirako. So, I heard that a lady got a mouth pregnant with baby squid. What? A mouth baby? Like squid babies in her mouth? From that dish.

Nice. Yeah. So she got pregnant with a squid from an octopus. Her mouth got, got, yeah. She got mocked up in the mouth. It was octopus style, you know, like you get on those cans, you know, giant calamari octopus style. So what, what happened when they hear mouth burst and squid came out? Basically she had egg sacs from squids in her mouth. Well we've all learned something today. That also is the plot to the new alien film, Covenant, which is coming out soon, so look out for that.

Sounds like it. And finally, the last one on this list is, I'm going to pronounce this wrong, it's ikizu izakuru, or izakurai. That's right. Sashimi made from fishes. Octopuses tend to be mostly fish. What's interesting about the way this fish is prepared

is that it's still alive when they serve it, although it has been carved up. So it's been carved up alive, and the heart's still beating when you get it. Although it has been carved up. So it's been carved up alive and the heart's still beating when you get it. How can we make this food much crueler? It's not cool enough that it's alive. Just keep it living. Keep it living. Let's infect it with

wasps that zombify it. Taste the pain. Stick its head inside a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey so it has to read it just as it dies. Now that is a cruel and unusual punishment for a fish. That is very cruel. Well there's my nasty food game and I think Stuart won.

Yay! Yay! So Eli, it's that time of night where we play The Price is Shite. Shall we do the intro all together ladies and gentlemen?

For those who know it, everyone else who does not know Cheap Show just, I'm sorry. Shall we do the intro all together, ladies and gentlemen? For those who know it. For those who know it, sing along. I'm sorry. Here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shine. It's the fucking Price of Shine. It's the fucking Price of Shine. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite!

And that's right! Thank you. There we go. So, we're gonna play a game. It's gonna be Stuart versus one of you from the audience. Not you, you voted yourself out with your chat. Not you, because you know why. Um... Oh, hello.

Hello. I know you don't like being drawn attention to, but we'll just all come along. Do you want to take part in the price of shite? No, they don't. They're not interested. They quite rightly are. These two don't even want to see in the Price of Shite? No, they don't. They're not interested. They quite rightly are. These two don't even want to see the fucking Price of Shite. I don't blame them. They're here for the classy show after the interval. It'll be fun.

Oh, would you like to play Price of Shite? Because you've, come on. Yeah. Since you've been annoying me on Twitter, you get to now play. What's her name again? Sorry? Sam. Sam, welcome Sam onto the stage. She'll be playing Price of Shite. You've only just sat down. We apologise. Right. So, head onto the stage. You'll be playing Price of Shite. You've only just sat down. We apologize. Right.

So head onto the stage, Sam. Right. Oh. Right, Eli, you want this table, don't you, mate? I want the table. If you could bring the table up for me. I'm clearing the table. There's props.

This never goes well. There you go. Nice. Good job. That's interesting. There's like violin-style holes. Yes. Is it a musical instrument?

I think it was probably adapted from one. It was made from the world's biggest violin. It was a big cello. Maybe if you fart on it, it makes interesting noises. Do you want to try? No, I'm glad we're moving away from the fart humour after the tasteful Rolf Harris material we did a few moments ago. So here's the thing. Eli likes to go to the charity shops. We both do on the show, and we play a little game

where we get things from those charity shops, and we guess the prices. It's really that simple, even though our pointing system is awful so eli has gone out and bought five items he's going to show each item off to our contestants stewart and sam right all you've got to do is evaluate each product and then you're going to rank them from cheapest to highest so you've played this before you probably know the format the prize eli today i believe is a selection of noodles. Ooh, everything to play for.

So, yeah, if you're lucky tonight, you'll be walking away with noodles you can buy for 50p in any shop on the corner of your street. So, are you all right, love? Well, not charity shops, I guess, but maybe charity shops. They could branch out. A little pop-up noodle shop. Help the children by eating noodles. Haven't thought that through. I'm trying to cheat and see ahead. Eli, all you've got to do is bring out five items.

I've got them, Paul! Think of something fucking witty to say to cover. That's what professionals do. Go on then, Paul. We're all waiting. Got something? Right, I'm ready now're all waiting. Got something. Right, I'm ready now.

Two nights. All right. I went to a kebab shop the other day, and I said, I'll have one of those, please. How much? He went, 80 quid. I went, sheesh. I don't want to play.

Try not to vomit on them. No, it's a real breakdown. Right, okay, here we go. Okay, you ready? What's your first item on the price list? First item? You've got a little trolley. It's lovely. Oh, wow.

It's not a trolley. It's a tray. Christ. Oh. This is a new item. We often have charity shop items, but this is a new item to start with, and it's a Sunpet branded spice jar.

You can put other stuff in. It's got a twist lid, plastic, and it's a nice good size for things that are that size. And Sunpet, you've got some suggestions on the label in there. Raisins, honey, nuts. Two types of nuts. Right, thank you for clarifying.

It also has some good features on the label. Negative space for holding things. Leak proof. You want that from a jar. You definitely want a jar that's... Odourless. Really? Yeah.

That's true. That's true. Fine. Unbreakable. I take issue with that. Right. In what way unbreakable? Yeah.

It contains a copy of a Bruce Willis film. Ah. Food grade. It's food grade. So you're just going to put weed in it though, aren't you? It won't leach. You are just going to put buds of weed in it, aren't you? I wish.

Anybody? Anybody? Right. Okay. So a jar. It's a food jar and it's unbreakable. That's my first item. Good jar.

Now, a lot of the time people criticise us for having sort of shit tat. But sometimes, just sometimes... You know that's the whole format of this show. But sometimes I like to inject a bit of quality, something that's actually nice. You do. I've got this I Love A Beef shot glass. Oh, that is a beautiful bit of quality, something that's actually nice. You do. I've got this I love a beef shot glass. Oh, that is a beautiful

bit of objet d'or. It's in glitter. Someone supplied that by hand, looks like, and there you go. Class. Let's have a little look. It's nice, that. Big shot. Romantic. It's alluring, you know.

Ha ha ha ha. How was Ibiza? Ha, monster. I don't know. I don't know what the kids do when they go drinking in Ibiza now. Third item tonight. Third item. This is the year 2011 in Lego. And you know Lego charged 20 quid for that as well.

Well, I got this from a charity shop and they were like, no, you can't have that. That comes with a book. And I was like, it doesn't come with a book. It was lying on a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I'm like, that didn't come with that. No, not as far as I know. I'm not going to buy your stupid book. Well, no, it's a good book, but I'm not going to buy it.

I've read it. I had it read to me. Because you can't read. No, as a child, I had it read to me. Oh. Before I could read. My father. Paul, my father read to me As a child

Right I don't know why We're getting into this Anyway Tell me about your father It's 2011 In yellow Lego Okay

Have a good look They did agree To give it to me For a price Oh they're good They haggled For that Yes

So that is 13 bricks in there If that helps anybody 13 bricks Thank you Okay sure And then Lego Alright sweet

So what is item number four? And you could use, just another point, Paul, sorry to interrupt you. You could use those actually in Lego, couldn't you? Or, you know, it's also 1102. So, you know, it's doubly exciting now. Now, the third item. Third item. No, fourth.

This is classy. Fourth item. The fourth item is this. It's a street sweeper. Wow. Look at that. This is classy. Fourth item. The fourth item is this. It's a street sweeper. Wow. Look at that. It's got little movable brushes. How are people properly impressed with that?

Because it's nice. Because it's a nice item, Paul. Is the bar of the show so low people are now going, oh, thank God he brought out the toy street sweeper. Yes, thank you. Yeah, it has mechanical properties. You've got the little moving there, and also at the back,

you've got the little dump truck bit that comes out. Oh. Whoa! It's got a selection of what can only be described as plastic bits in it. But it looks like it's got a little miniature model of the Giant's Causeway in it. That's it.

It's the Giant's Causeway. Strange. In the back of a street sweeper. That's it. It's the Giant's Causeway. Strange. In the back of a street sweeper. Yes. Crazy. And it's articulated there. It's very articulated. And it's got moving wheels.

It goes along. It's sturdy. And you know what? Lovely bit of kit, that. Yeah, thanks, Paul. So when you, a grown man, went into a shop and bought a child's toy like this, no questions asked? What do you mean, questions asked?

What are you on about? What, they went, oh, you look like a child rapist. No, out! No, they don't. They think here's a man buying a toy. Perhaps for a nephew. Perhaps for a niece. Perhaps for his own child.

I like the way that came third. Yes. You ranked importance of presence. Perhaps it's for me, you know? You're going to lie on your back and run over your belly and go, I'm going to wank off into it. Why do you have to bring up... You complain to me about masturbation jokes as a fallback for easy comedy,

and I've not done one proper wank gag yet, and I'm disappointed in myself. Yet. Yet. That's the important thing. The fifth item... Yes, the fifth item... Surprisingly, is the tray.

Is the tray. Didn't see that coming. Well, we did because you brought everything out in it. Yeah, but you didn't. Anyway. So there's that. That's sturdy. Nice bit of dovetail joinery on the sides.

It's very nice. So what are you going to do with that? It looks like it's for cutlery. I'm going to put that in my room and put all my little bits of tat on it because my tat shelves are running out of space. Yeah. So there are the five items on show tonight. So Stuart, we'll let you go first.

We'll start here. Put the cheapest item here and we'll go that way towards the most expensive. All right? So we can rank them. Rank them good. I need to ask one question. Okay. What area of the country

is this charity shop located in? It wasn't just one shop. I spent a whole afternoon working on this. Doing this. And it's better than your stupid rap. Ooh, personal. Yes, my rap isn't as good. Never insult another man's rap.

No, never. Never diss a man's rap. Call me lazy. You do a rap right now for me. I'm not going to diss a man's rap. Call me lazy. Do a rap then. You do a rap right now for me. I'm not going to do a rap for you. I'd like to hear a rap from Eli. I'm not your rapping dog. Maybe I would like to hear a rap from Eli.

I'm not your rapping. I would like a rap from Eli. Give me a rap. I'll give you a bass. Okay. I'll give you a beat. I'm rapping now, and that's what I'm doing. You could live in a spoon.

You know what? No. You know what? No. You know what? No, no, no. No. That's like new school style, man. That's like fucking inner city trap style, man. Spoon.

Doing and spoon. Yeah, it's not even a true rhyme. Anyway, so. Yeah, thank you. So let's. Right. All right. Anyway, so... Yeah, thank you. So let's... Right. So, Stu, what do you think is the least expensive item from Eli's bag of misery? If it isn't the Ibiza cup, I'll be disappointed.

Oh, okay. When did they start pronouncing this Ibiza, by the way? I don't know. When did it officially become Ibiza? Does anyone know? It's the Venga boys' fault. Like so much of society's problems. Oh, yeah. I'm going to Ibiza. I anyone know? It's the Venga boys' fault. Like so much of society's problems. Oh yeah, I'm going to Ibiza. I'm gonna

eat a baby. I mean, I don't... I'll be honest, I don't have the best improvisational skills. That is odourless. Can you attest to that being odourless? Yes, it's mostly odourless. Now that I've held it, it's so thin.

It's like it's made out of three molecules of plastic each side. I'm going to put that the cheapest. Oh, so he's putting the jar cheapest. The Vengaboys, horrible memory next. Oh, the shot glass is next. People know that Lego is expensive, but it's also shit. So I'm going to put that next. Third.

Okay, Lego. Then I'm thinking the tray. Oh, the tray. Is it from a school desk? Is it from a cutlery drawer? Is it from a madman's dream? No, I will comment. I just don't know.

I will comment. I think she didn't really think about it when she sold me that drawer. She gave me a very good price. Oh. She was taken in by your sexy beard and beautiful eyes. Do you have blue eyes? No.

Brown eyes. Just don't even try and make it up to me, man. I'm not flirting with you. Yeah, well, it's a deal breaker. You forgot my eye colour. Right. So, with that in mind, Stuart,

you've said... That's the most married couple thing you've ever said yet. We are. It's like an awful relationship. Oh, my gosh. Right, so... No, I'm confident.

He's confident. So, let me get this straight. You're going for jar, then tray. See, I'm hoping Eli wasn't throwing me off with a hideous lie about the woman who sold it to him. So, Stuart, let me just go. Jar. Jar. Cheapest.

Tray. Tray. Second cheapest., let me just go. Jar, cheapest, tray. Tray, second cheapest. And then shot. Yep. Jar, tray. That sounds like somebody's name. Jar, tray, shot. We're solving a crime here.

Jar, tray, shot. 2011 Street Sweepers. That's a lot of people. Okay. So, that's it. It's locked in. Are you happy with that? It's locked in. Jar,

tray, shop, Lego, sweep. The worst, worst kids show because Sutty and Stuart left by that point. So they got Jar and Tray in. Right, so Sam, it's your go now. Now, are you happy with that? Do you want to change it? What are you thinking? I'm going to change something. Okay, let's do this.

Okay, what are you thinking? Audience, what do you think? Is that right? Are you happy with Stuart? They don't agree. They don't agree. So, Sam, no pressure, but if you don't get this right, there is a lot of pressure on you to get it right. You want those noodles.

You do want those. She wants your noodles. Shall we see the noodles? Let's see what you could win here, yeah? And Eli's special prize. That's right. Oh. Now I wish I tried harder.

Oh, look. Look at this. Sorry, I started talking to the noodle then. I love you, I love you. Okay. This is basically one of the best noodles ever. I've mentioned it before. As we know.

This is the Nissin tonkotsu with the black garlic sachet. Yeah. Okay. It's a three-pack noodle. It's a classic. Are you excited? You look it. Good.

Cocker. Right. This is on the cheap end, but this is also a classic. Lobster flavour. You don't often see lobster flavour. No. Because it's an unusual flavour. And it's got a lovely oil pack of salty, fishy, lobstery goodness in there.

With the soup base, of course. Yes. And then, a bit unusual, this Lucky Me Pancit Canton. Is that the brand name, Lucky Me? Yes. Good. I thought you thought you were opportunist in finding it somewhere. It's a new look pack, which I'm approving of.

It's nice. And it is chili mansi flavor. So the calamansi is a kind of... It's a type of fruit, citrus fruit, that they don't have in this country. It's a type of fruit Citrus fruit That they don't have In this country Yeah

This is a stir fried Stir fried style noodle Yeah With no soup base What's the amplitude Of it like It's amplitude To the max

Yeah to the max To the max That's what you could win That's no pressure So you're going to go With what You're going to go With the jar

I think the jar Because you said It was new I think that's going To be more expensive, because you said it was new, I think Gus is gonna be more attentive. Okay. Because you said this, you got a good deal on it, I think that's it. Okay. Ooh.

Okay. She's... I don't know. So you're saying tray, shot glass, jar, Lego jar, sweeper. So you both think this is the most expensive item, yeah? It's a nice street sweeper. It is a bloody good thing, that. Tray. Tray. Yeah. Shot glass. Shot.

Lego thing. Tray shot leg. Jar. Tray shot leg jar sweep. Sweep. Excellent. Oh, it's exciting. Oh, God, someone has to think that. It's surprisingly tense. You won't get this with Robin in, swear me. There's a very good reason why.

Right, we're going to go through this one last time before we announce the actual results. So Stuart said the cheapest was the jar, followed by the tray, followed by the shot glass, followed by the Lego, followed by the sweet streep, sweet streeper.

No. The streeper? The streeper. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. Okay. The water in Majorca don't taste like what it ought to. Right, and then, Sam, you said the cheapest was the jar, and then you said the tray as well, but you went off piece.

Oh, didn't you? What did you say? Jar? Oh, tray. I've written it all down wrong. Let's go through it again, Paul. Tray shot. Tray shot Lego in the face.

Tray shot Lego. Jar. Sweep. Right, got it. Right, so you said the tray was the least expensive, followed by the shot glass, followed by the Lego, followed by the jar, followed by the sweet jar. Yeah, I need to calm down.

You so do, you so do. Yeah, I am relaxed. Right, no, not at all. I don't wanna play. No, I am relaxed. Right? No, not at all. I don't want to play. No, we can see that. Yeah, I've got no investment into the prize. Okay. You know what I mean?

So, yeah, you always... Shall I do the actual... Yes, reveal it. So, what was the least expensive item? The cheapest item... Silverman. Was this, the Unbreakable Jar. Oh, one point to Stuart. That was 49p. 49 Unbreakable Jar. One point to Stuart.

That was 49p. 49p. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. Very good. These must have been London charity shops. This was not a charity shop. This was a hardware store that also did kitchenware.

Nice bit of colour. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. So next was? Next most expensive item was the classy I Love Ibiza. At a point to Sam. Now, this was 50p, but there's a little story, okay?

Good. I went in. You had to milk a horse for it. I went into the London Hospice, North London Hospice charity shop in Palmer's Green, where I got that. Yeah. I took it off the shelf, came up to the lady,

who I've got history with, right? What kind of history? I was in there once. Like a Ross and Rachel thing. I right? What kind of history? I was in there once. Like a Ross and Rachel thing. I was in there once, yeah. I was in there once looking at the seven-inch singles and I sat on the floor and she was like, you can't sit there, you're blocking the fire exit.

Which was a lie! That doesn't count as having a history with someone. That does. That's one incident in your life. Is that in the past? Yeah. It counts as history then. Right, okay.

So, a point each so far what's next no I haven't finished telling my story about the shot glass that was just the background colour to it okay

okay yeah so I said to her and I thought I hope she doesn't remember the incident with the sevens because that would be very awkward I said how much for this

she said ah get out I'll give you two prices I'll give you two prices you I'll give you two prizes. You can put 50p straight into the charity shaker that she has on the thing, and she doesn't have to put it through the till. That sounds dodgy to me.

Or, if she wants to go through the effort of opening the till, which she should fucking do anyway. She's working in a shop. Fucking hell. You've got the energy to tell me to fucking not sit down, but not open the fucking till anyway. You've got me really

upset about this I hate her I hate her I hate her yeah but deep down this is like you've got mail in fact you really love her

you're going to meet on a skyscraper on New Year's Eve and fall in love I hate her so she said it would be 75p if we wanted to go

through the till right and I opted for the 50p in the charity in the charity thing so what price do you think we could call it, Paul? I mean, this is unprecedented. Well, no, then you decide.

Surely the amount you actually paid. 50p, yeah. So, anyway. I think that's what my accountant would go with. Yeah, that's what you should go with, usually, right. I hope you keep the receipts for all this. Okay, and then, in the middle, number three, these two are interchangeable, both for quid. The Lego 2011. That's a good 2011 price isn't it for the

tray no you're going to make this quality Eli to make this you need to make this fair you need to make an executive decision on which is the third most cheap okay well I'll go for this because this was less hassle I had that whole thing with the Lego this was a big hassle because they had to come out you had to look for the book that this was attached to, which wasn't there. And I had to go, no, I want it. Then he goes, would you do a quid? And I'm like, don't try and haggle with me in a charity shop. I want you to tell me the price because it's for this game I'm going to play.

I can't decide the price myself. So that was a load of hassle. So that's the third. That's the third. Yes, both a quid. But that's the third most expensive. So the third most expensive is are quid. I know, but that's the third most expensive. So the third most expensive is that. Oh my God, we can never get the rules right

of these fucking games. Why can't we do it? Two years. Two years of doing this fucking show and we still can't decide on the point system of any game we play. I ask you to buy five items of individual prices and you fudge it because two of them are the same price

And then you tell me to make the executive decision to do so and you're letting these people down these have lost interest I'm about to have a fucking stroke and all because you can't judge whether a tray or some Lego Should be the third or fourth expensive item in a fucking game. Why can't you do this? Okay, so the third most expensive item in a fucking game. Why can't you do this? Okay, so the third most expensive item. Mummy and Daddy are fighting again. Is the one pound tray. Right, the tray. And then, more

expensive than that because of the emotional turmoil, including what just happened. 2011 in Lego. My God, so wait, stop. So that means there is a point to Stuart there and a point to Stuart for this. And they're both right. The most expensive item at a staggering £1.25 was the street cleaner.

So, that means at the end of the game, Stuart Ashen has three points. And Sam, unfortunately, you only have two. But look. Oh! Oh, you little fuck! I thought that was cruel. She's lost. I mean, come on. Yeah, but they can go, you don't... Well, they don't do that on Deal or No Deal when they win

one P, don't they? They go, actually, the banker says you can have ten grand. No! You fuck off! There you go. You can have them. There you go. You can have them. You see, I actually had a second prize. I actually have a second prize

for you. But I don't know if you will want me to give it away. Because I forgot I was going to bring it. And you might not want to give this away. So I thought... Don't tell me it's my dad or something. No, I was going to give away this you might not want to give this away. So I thought... Don't tell me it's my dad or something. No, I was going to give away this Barshens t-shirt. Oh.

An early one. Oh, Bars. That's a Barry one. Yeah. That's not my remit. This is the thing. Yeah, not touching that. I think I should give it to her.

I think you should. Would you like Barry's... I really, really like it. There you go. There you go. B go portions t-shirt for you very rare one of a kind uh because we got better ones made sam thank you very much for playing ladies and gentlemen sam everybody oh right so we're going to end the show today thank god for that that was the most horrifying experience since since the last time we played any sort of game.

Ready? It's time for Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Eats. Cheep Eats, everybody! It's that time of the show where we find food and then eat it, whether it's edible, healthy, or not. It really is that kind of simple. We've gone to charity

shops in our time. You don't get food from charity shops. You don't get food from charity shops. You don't get food. That's the second time we've had that today. Everything is default thing is charity shops, isn't it? I think he is actually being fed by a local charity shop. I was thinking of food banks. Yeah, food banks.

They're like shops, but sadder. Oh, dear. What they are. Vote Tory, by the way. If I'm going to be unpopular, let's just roll the fucking dice. Alright, just get the food out. No, it's Stuart's food. Stuart has very kindly brought the food, so Stuart, it's over to you.

What have you brought today on Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Eeeeeet. I don't want to wait for my life to be over. So, I've very kindly brought along a main and a dessert. Ooh.

Now, because Eli doesn't know, there's no fish involved in any of these. No. Because you want to try to make me eat a fish sausage And nearly kill me Because I'm allergic to seafood Yeah I think you just sort of As if you weren't successful You know what my theory on this is, Paul?

Is that deep down inside you're vaginophobic I'm sorry, I know it's unpopular That's a new word, everyone Vaginophobic Yeah What, like the sight of them? The smell of them? The concept? Just the whole concept Why? That's a new word, everyone. Vaginophobic. Yeah. What, like the sight of them, the smell of them, the concept? Just the whole concept. Why?

And that's why your body is... No, I'm sorry, Dr. Silverman. Dr. Silverman, carry on digging. I'd like to see how far... Your body has manifested this in a... Yes, it's going very well Continue with your train of thought In an allergy

Yes To things from the sea The sea is like the feminine The vagina of the world So what you're saying is So the world was born from the sea It was We were all born from the sea

Yeah You know All I'm saying is You're saying that The fact that You little fish hating pussy That's what I'm saying So you're saying Every that the fact that... You little fish-hating pussy! That's what I'm saying! So you're saying every time I eat some fish by accident and my throat...

Hitler! He didn't like fish. I can't believe you brought Godwin's Law into this. Anyway, Stuart, I'm so sorry. Carry on. So anyway... So this looks like one of those... I don't know, astronaut dehydrated ice cream thingamajigs. That's what I thought it was, actually. I was quite excited.

I thought it was dry frozen candy floss or ice cream. Disappointment will reign. This is male rhino beetles. But don't worry, they've been salted, cooked and dehydrated. There's no added colours or preservatives. They're boiled and dehydrated, not fried. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't want to get the fat. I'm watching, yeah.

That would knock it off of me. And no MSG. So no MSG, but there is rhino beetles. How many in a pack? I have no idea. It feels like it's full of foam or something to protect them. Maybe just one beetle. I'm looking forward to this.

Can I have the head if it is just one beetle? Psychologically that says more about you than my vagina phobia that you've suddenly come up with. Yeah, yeah, whatever. We'll see. Can I nosh on its head? It's like Mind Your Language, the live podcast. So the ingredients are male rhino beetles. Oh, good.

Of the Gideon SP, which I presume is some kind of offshoot of male rhino beetles. Thank God they aren't female ones. That would be disgusting. Yeah, I couldn't eat one. No. Apparently. Fucking Freud over there. Oh, and there's salt.

I've got some potentially bad news here. What? There's an allergen warning. Crustaceans. Oh. You can't eat it. Shall I roll the dice on that? Yeah, roll the dice.

Does everyone have a Bic pen they can stab into my throat in about three minutes' time? I don't think it works with an ordinary pen. Well, you take the pen bit out, obviously. And then what do you do? Oh, and then I blow into your throat? No, you don't blow into my throat. You're not, not like breathing for me like I'm a balloon

I'm trying to save your life tell me what to do I stab you in the neck you're like the anti St John's ambulance get the beetles out I'm going to munch down hard on it get that

lovely beetle flesh in my mouth. There's another bag inside. Oh my god. Gone fishing. Oh, it's got a little gel pack in there. That's to keep it dry. Don't whip that slushy out.

That'll be silica gel or something. Silica gel. I think I'll be safe reading that. Oh my God, I'm not looking forward to this all of a sudden. They're whole rhino beetles. They just, yeah. I might vom.

These two appear to be having sex and I can't separate them. Oh, till death do they part. Oh mate. Is that salt? That's salt, is it? I hope people are taking pictures of this. That one's called Hector.

Is that powdery salt, is it? Yeah. Oh. Okay. This one's called anaphylactic shock. Hello, Anna. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm getting freaked out just touching this fucker.

Here I am. Okay, I'm going to do it. All right. This one's got hairs on it, on this one. That's like pork scratchings. It's good when you've got a hair on it. Are you ready? No.

Oh. I haven't named mine yet. I don't know if I can do it. Regret. It's not really breaking down in the mouth or anything. Aren't these the ones that are popular for young children to keep as pets in Japan? Well, this is upsetting for the people in Japan listening to this right now. It's not breaking down.

What do you mean it's not breaking down? Can you not chew it? It's kind of plasticky. What does it taste like? It's kind of got a smokiness. Yeah, and quite a sort of beetle-iness to it. It's the way those hollow legs kind of

crunch down. Not the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten. That's saying something. I too have been to Burger King. Yeah. It does break down eventually, but you've got to give it some, don't you? I mean, it's really nice to stand in front of a lot of people and chew on something really disgusting, so, you know.

What's that flavour? It's sort of like a... It's chemically almost. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like some stuff you'd clean out a swimming pool with. Yeah, that. It's got that kind of flavour.

But in insect form. Is it gooey on the inside? There's no goo. There's no with. Yeah, that. It's got that kind of flavour. But in insect form. Is it gooey on the inside? There's no goo. There's no goo. Dehydrated. I'm glad to say there is no gooey surprise. This is interesting because Paul will usually just ingest

whatever horror is in front of him. Paul, no one's going to give you any respect unless you eat the beetle right now. Fine, that's fine. Oh, I can't. Just take a small bite. I'm going to take a small bite because this freaks me out. You're such a wuss, honestly.

Come on, pussy. Oh, that's worse. That's worse. Don't spit it out. That's what she said. Wait, no, that makes no sense sense I think I reached the perineum It tastes like a really jaggedy watsit Good description yeah It is a cheesiness

It's very beefy Yeah it's almost like an artificial beef flavour. Yeah, I didn't know they came in beef flavoured snacks. What's for dessert? We do have a spare one if anyone from the audience would like to eat a horrifying beetle. Would anyone like to try it? I think you should. Oh, man.

May I watch it again? Do you have something to wash it down with, Luke? There you go. Then you are sorted. Oh, it's straight. Oh, you've dropped it. You've dropped the beetle, you pranet. Oh, good.

It's all of a sudden become better grills. He's got a beetle torch. Thank God for that. Came prepared. I think it's gone in the bag. Yeah. It's gone in your bag. Let's stop this section now, Paul.

Oh, fuck. Well, that's a treat for later. I hope stop this section now, Paul. Oh, fuck. Well, that's a treat for later. I really hope you've borrowed that bag from somebody else. Do you want to eat the back end of this? What's it like? It's got beefy. I think we all agree there's a beef element. Imagine if beef had eight jaggedy legs.

Spiky dried beef. As a beetle, it will have six legs. We should point that out. Oh, God. Okay, so Mark's had a ten there, Paul. Yeah. I'm going to give that a two because I'm a wolf

and I didn't eat the whole thing and therefore my opinion is invalid. I will say, I'll go this far with that. That's not real food, is it? I mean, it's not like, it's just for getting out of party. Sorry. I thought, oh, I'll bring this far with that. That's not real food, is it? I mean, it's not like... It's just for getting out of party. Well, sorry.

I thought, oh, I'll bring along something interesting and expensive. Oh, no. That's hardly steak frites, is it, sir? No, it wasn't... It was fun and everything. Imagine the lovely place you'd go to. Imagine the lovely restaurant. No one's going to serve that up.

It's got no nothing to it. It's just a crunchy bunch of hard... Yeah, you can't chew it. Are you still chewing it? Luke, you said you'd do it. Swallow it. Chew it. Keep chewing. It's just a crunchy bunch of hard. Yeah, you can't chew it. Are you still chewing it? Luke, you said you'd do it. Chew it. Keep chewing. It takes about a week.

Wash it down. Do it. I don't want to see any spit out. Yeah. Right. You've been let down. Yeah. Okay, next one.

What's next? What's the next one then we've got? I give it five I have to eat a pen? Yes So for dessert we have From a place where I was yesterday That I've forgotten the name of

Anecdote We have lime and lavender Milk chocolate As many of you will know lime and lavender Are Paul and Eli's crime-faulting alter ego names. Yes. Guess who's lavender?

You are, you big wuss. There's a whiff of lavender about you, in fact. Thanks, that's the name of my first novel, A Whiff of

Lavender, by Paul Gannon. Right, we need to speed this up because we've got another show to get through. A recta parsley mystery.

Right. Yeah, this is one of those things that sounds like might be nice or might taste like your gran drank all her perfume and threw up on your chocolate. Oh, that's a great way to sell it. I've got little fragments of stag beetle coming back, man.

Yeah, it's stuck in my teeth. Oh, it's really bad. I might leave it there for the dentist to find. That'd be fun. Even I've got half a helmet in my mouth right now. Yeah. Anyway, hit me with it. Let's do this every week.

Because you get fed. Yeah. Good. Here we go. Three, two, one. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Mm. Oh, Granny's put a soap on the one. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Mm. Oh, Granny's put a soap on the chocolate. Yeah. It does immediately have a bit of a soapy hint. You know what it tastes like? It tastes like those boiled green sweets at the chocolate center. Chocolate limes?

Yes. The lime is quite strong. I'm not getting as much lavender as lime. The lavender's more of a sort of ambient... It's delicate. It's an ambient... Ambient lavender. Good 70s rock. The amplitude is quite good, actually. I quite like that. I wouldn't eat a whole one, but that's quite nice.

It's not unpleasant. I mean, lavender, it's a soapy fragrance, isn't it? What do you think? It's alright. It is a little bit soapy for my taste. I generally like the soap levels in my food to be low enough to be undetectable. Yeah, yeah. Unless I'm eating some soap.

I mean, then it's all about it. If you want soap, you want to go full soap. Absolutely, yeah. I want a full imperial leather. Yeah. At all times. Right, so who wants to try a bit of this? By all means.

If anybody wants to know how much it was, too much. Three quid. Does anyone have any comments about it? And you're not allowed to say soapy because we've done that one to death. Right. How are we feeling? Who liked it? Give me your hands up if you've eaten it and like it. Oh, one lady over there liked it. Some people like it. It's a bit nudgy. I'm like this gentleman. It's a shrug. It's a shrug for me. It's a five. Right, good. What would you give it out of ten? Oh, well, since you're asking, five.

A nice snack, but I couldn't eat a whole bar. Go with my hips. I'm going to go five as well because it's just slightly ruined chocolate. Yeah, that's it. It's the gulf of chocolate. You know what would have been nice?

If they had some little lime pieces, like some jellied lime pieces. Oh, that would be nice. Sparkly, crunchy bits. Tell you what would be better, actually. They'd cut the lavender out entirely and cut the lime out entirely. And it'd just be chocolate.

Yeah. Very good, yeah. Well, there we go. We've all learned something today. So, on that anti-climax, thank you for watching cheap show thanks everybody thank you thank you for those listening you can follow us on twitter at the cheap show pod stewart ashen you can find at ashen's on twitter i'm at paul gannon show that's

eli snow you go to our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk that's all from us thank you all for coming i've been paul gannon that's eli Silvan, that's Stuart Ashens. Goodnight!