CheapShow - Ep 411: A Liquid Crystallized Display

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Following the successful live show back in October, Paul and Eli have been graced with an assortment of gifts and items for the podcast to enjoy! There is quite a lot to get through, and the Cheap Chaps have to start somewhere, so why not start with a mystery bag of goodies from Andy and Louise! In what ends up being one long “Price of Shite” challenge, there are eight items to investigate and evaluate. Over the next hour or so, expect to learn about Morph’s family tree, whether fishing is better than sex, who on Earth “Luke Fictitious” is, the joy of big boats AND if Paul’s “fluid intelligence” is better than Eli’s “crystallized intelligence”. There are BIG p’twings at stake! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-411-a-liquid-crystallized-display And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello Eli, find you doing a podcast. Alright, let's do it. Let's do it. Cold open over, fucking straight in. Straight in. Nickers down, straight in. Oh. Pants down, knickers down, straight in.

Up the pipe. Up the pipe. Stop me Eli, stop me quick. I can't. I keep saying up the pipe. Knickers down, up the pipe. Stop me from saying it. It's your moral responsibility to rein me in

when I'm off on a mouth tangent. A mouth tangent's all that you ever do these days. It's getting old, innit? Do you know what I heard the other day? There's two types of intelligence, yeah? Yeah. And as you grow older, one type turns into the other. Oh, that's depressing.

Where do you read this, first of all? Name your sources. Several sources. Good. Just one, we'll do. Rick Beato, he's a music YouTuber. Fine. Just one and two, bit of context. But then I did hear it independently mentioned on another YouTube channel. Fine.

And I think it's quite accepted. You have liquid... Liquid intelligence. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a cheesy pizza last night. It was a bit of liquid intelligence going on right now. Street justice. Bowl pepper justice. a cheesy pizza last night, there's a bit of liquid intelligence going on right now. Street justice. Bowl pepper justice. Anyway, you have liquid intelligence, which is the

kind of intelligence which means you can adapt to a new situation, a novel, it's improvisatory sort of intelligence. Okay, I would say I have quite liquid intelligence in that respect, because I'm quite good at that. Seriously, when I'm at work at the BBC, I have to liquid intelligence in that respect because I'm quite good at that. Seriously, when I'm at work at the BBC I have to deal with that kind of shit all the time. I know the persona I have on the podcast is clusterfuck Ganon but actually... I wasn't trying to do this. You're going through something at the moment where you are noticing how people criticize

you for something and I haven't made that... Based on the persona that people think is a real version of who I am online. Also Paul, if you're going to talk about a persona that we project onto the podcast and you know we're different in real life, let me just say two words to you. Jimmy Savile, that's what that sounds like. That sounds like Jimmy Savile. How was me saying I'm adaptable to work situations on the fly and can improvise in any way similar to paedophile and noted hated cunts Jimmy Savile. Not that. It's when you say we're a different person here than we are, you know, that we have a persona on them. Nearly the whole stand-up industry is based on that pre-season. We're not in the stand-up industry.

We were and the podcast is still a version of us that if in real life we were like we would be lynched. What you're saying is you're not a dirty-mouthed little idiot, like you project it? No, that's not what I am. That's you. That's your version. Oh, that's me. I'm a dark-mouth. I am the high-maintenance, stressy, clusterfuck cockup guy who people can throw the finger

at and say, you fuck that. Yeah, I said throw the finger at. And I don't give a fuck. Classic. That's my liquid intelligence. You prod you and you produce magic. Like a little massage gnome. That's my liquid intelligence, mate.

It's not intelligence, it's the opposite. It's humour. I've got liquid humour. Throw the finger. That is classic. I'll throw the finger at you. That's like, that is classic. That is a classic. That is a classic. I'll throw the finger at you then. That's like an egg corn, isn't it, almost?

It's like throw the book at you and point your finger at you. Actually, I'm going to stand by it. I throw the finger at you. No, that's what I'm saying. It works, but it is funny because it's not a thing. Anyway, liquid intelligence and what's the altar? Crystalline. Crystallized.

Crystalline. That is when you're bedded in and you are unmovable. And it's to do with your knowledge and experience that older people have. So you have a wide range of experiences and knowledge about things that means you're able to be intelligent about things. You have less of a liquid flexibility to sort of adopt things. I would say you're more crystalline. We've both got our arms folded right now.

I can improvise. I'm not saying you can't. I'm not saying that's not out of bounds for you. I'm just saying you are more crystalline. You are more crystalline, I think, and I'm not saying you can't, I'm not saying that's not out of bounds for you, I'm just saying you are more crystallined, you are more crystallined I think, and I'm more liquid. I think that's valid to say without any sense of... Possibly, I don't know if that's true though. But what does it mean, you start as liquid and move to the crystalline, or you start with crystal, or any, doesn't matter.

The video I saw is he's a musician, so he was trying to say... He was trying to say, all of the greatest musicians are in their 20s. All of the best work by the greatest musicians was made in their 20s. And if you listen to the later Paul McCartney albums, it absolutely solids that in. It's hard to argue with that in terms of like, I mean obviously there are outliers and... Well also Peter Cooke for example is a comedian who potentially could say peak too early and then find himself aimless in the latter half of his career. Yeah. Comedy definitely seems to apply, but also he said that people like classical composers,

that's a crystalline in that case. If you're writing a symphony... Unless you're Amadeus. It's crystal, yes. It's crystal intelligence that helps you to write a great symphony, because you've got all this experience of writing other symphonies and what an orchestra can do and it's much more controlled. With all that being said, how does that get us into a rude phrase or naughty saying that we can get into the credits with? I don't know Paul.

In that case, welcome to Cheap Show then. Bye. Are you trying to say bye? I don't know Paul because I'm not in that case. Welcome to cheap show then That's all we've got! Cheap show to the money! Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello, it's Cheap Show time. It's all that time for another slice of Cheap Show time. I love it when my panties go right up the crack hole. And this is the day for Cheap Show!

Oh what a Cheap Show time! I've got to ride over up my crack it's Cheap Show time! Anyway, hello, welcome to Cheap Show time! It is the Economy Comedy Podcast where Eli and I go for the Bargabins, Charity Shops and Poundlands at Arl of the UK and beyond. And bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. It's there amongst the trash! At Arl, at Arl!

And yet what else do we find Eli? Uh, frugal, fun amongst the frugal. Thank you very much. And I'm in a fugue state for your meat mate. And I'm on the flugel. You're on the flugelhorn. That sounds like the Lerpac bloke. Yeah it is, the Lerpac bloke was a very liquid intelligent. He was liquid. Yeah well he was water. Like Morph. There was no liquid intelligence. Do you think when Morph had sex, it was like the end of society, where they could just go... He was up in Chaz's guts and then coming out of his neck and stuff. What was the Lady Morph called? Oh God, I'm going to be accused of sexism now. Oh yeah, there was a Lady Morph.

Jane. Was Chaz... No, you're thinking of Rod, Jane and Freddie I think at this point. I have to know who the Lady Morph was now. Anyway, you look that up and I'll set the basis of what we're doing this week on the podcast. I'm going to have to speak to Google briefly. Yeah, go on, you do that. Have a little chat with Google with your weird inflection. What is the biggest apple in the world? Whatever it is you do. Wait for it, wait for it. Go on, here we go. Who is the Lady Morph?

If it understands that, well play to it. Er, Morph Cosmetics, fuck me. Delilah. She was called Delilah. I mean I'm just looking at this on the Wikipedia Sage. Morph was a stop motion blah blah blah blah blah. Tony Hark blah blah blah blah blah. Characters.

So we've got Morph, Chaz. Okay, did you know there was a dog? Yes. What's a dog's name? I want to say- If you get this I will literally give you a £10 note in my pocket right now and you have three chances. You don't have a £10 note in your pocket.

I do, it's either in this pocket or in my coat pocket. You've got a tenner on you? Yeah. Ah. Yeah, so I'll give you that if you get this in- Wonder why? What could be the possible reason? You don't have a £10 out of your pocket. It's either in this pocket or in my coat pocket. You've got a £10 on you? Wonder why? What could be the possible reason? I like using real cash when I go shopping. No you don't! Shut up. Especially when it's weed. What's the name of the dog?

Can I have a clue? Sponge! I'm all out of guesses. The name was Nailbrush because it was a nail brush wasn't it? Well done for reading that of Wikipedia anyway there were supporting characters called Grand Morph who was Morph's elderly bearded grandfather he was like bbbbbbbbbb wasn't it? very strict and he punished Morph and Charles with their misbehaviour

I'm coming I'll give you the stick I'm getting oh oh oh I've seen quite a few characters I'm getting I'm beating your ass it's making me arse my arse I'm getting... I'm beating your ass! Yeah, you do that for a bit. It's making me arse at my arse! I'm beating it! Right, there was also a character called Delilah, a bossy, bespectacled female character in a yellow dress and dark brown skin. She had a good relationship with Morph, although she gets in his way. There was Folly.

Oh yeah, she was quite very faffy, Delilah. Folly was a scatterbrained girl made of tinfoil. Oh yeah, I do remember the tinfoil character. Almost nightmarish that. Gillespie, a blue friend of Morth's. He is clueless and silly but is peaceable and often meditates. There was Gobbledygook, a green omnivorous alien child. Omnivorous. Omnivorous, what does that mean? Eats everything. Yeah, but what does that mean? I mean, why do they say put that? Get closer to the mic and we can all hear your gold. Why would they put that? Because that's how it's described. Did he distinctly eat a meat and then eat a veg?

He arrived on the table by sleeping next to Morph's box in The Amazing Adventures of Morph, but in the Morph files he arrived by mistakenly being printed from a Space Invaders style game. Then there was the paint pots, sentient little mini paint pots that would move around, and then look so the lamp, who I think has a court case with Pixar to sort out. Anyway, that's the Morph discussion this week for Cheap Show, see you next week where we'll be talking about the Flumps. Right, on the show this week though… No, I say that, but you've got some housework to do about the LP.

So, we are getting ahead of ourselves for 2 for 2020 and we have a plan for episode 450 and that plan is we're going to release a cheap show vinyl album made in association with Noiseland who's done a few tracks with us before. It's going to be a correlation of all of those tracks remixed and extended and added to and compilation was the word you're looking for. Thank you. And then a collection of little treats and other things we need to sort out first and then some spoken wordy bits and it will be a vinyl we release and there'll be a tie-in podcast episode to go along with the vinyl. And there will be a free download of the LP available. You always say this but like you're getting

ahead of it, it doesn't really matter at this point. All I want to do- I'm just adding. You jump to the end and I want to take the long winding road to that- Just trying to help. It's fine. Yeah, but you never really do. I'll just drink my booze. Try not to. Try not to. to take the long winding road to that. Just trying to help. Yeah, but you never really do. I'll just get my booze. Try not to. Just be quiet, drink your booze.

Try to not help. I can do that. I mean, you fucking weekly. I can fucking do that. I would argue you do. But that's the plan. However, we don't know how many of these to make. Now, I reckon we can make 100, but we need to get an idea of what's the word I'm looking

for. Demand. Yeah, thank you. So I think what I might do somehow over the next couple of weeks is create a form online where people can go on and... Basically, we're going to sniff out the idea of doing that for 450. Snuff it out. So if you're interested, get in touch with us on the social medias.

You can find us by going to our website, thecheapshot.co.uk, going with a link through there. But if you want us to do that for... I mean, we're going to do it. We're going to do it and it's going to have a scratch and sniff fold out pop up gate fold. Not only joking. I mean, now you've said it, people will want it. That would be so cool. It'd be really expensive. Yeah, no, there's no way we could do scratch and sniff or... What we could do is just rub our garbage on the album. You know what I was talking about on my... You could rub our garbage on it and then you could sniff that.

No, I don't think we should do that. Because I've got quite a yeasty foam on. Oh, is it smeg? Is it like smeg? I don't know, but I'm thinking of making my own ale. It's basically smeg you're talking about, isn't it? Which is sort of a white dwarf thing, isn't it? Red dwarf for a start. I used to buy white dwarf, it was the Games Workshop magazine. Great. I always get those. And you always mention it whenever the word white dwarf or red dwarf or dwarf or white or reds mentioned or hammer or war or action figure or paint. Paul, I was discussing with my co-host on my radio show, the House of Pickle sound show,

you don't get embossed LP covers anymore. And there was this Quinty Jones one he had with this really beautiful embossed landscape sort of inside his figure on the cover. It was really lovely. And you just think they- On the cover, not on the circle in the middle of the vinyl you mean? No, on the LP cover. It was a gatefold sleeve. Nice, but you're right, it's a rare. But that's also a thing we won't be doing either. But I just think, and some that have pop-up in them, but I just don't think they actually have the... The industry there. The industry to do it. The industry isn't in place, yeah. But that's what we're going to aim to do for 450.

So give us your feedback if you want us to get one or if you want one of these yourself. And I must mention, the track played off that album was Quincy Jones' own sort of jazz funk version of the Ironside theme. That's the one that starts like that, yeah. Like that, whatever it is. It's a great fucking piece of music that. No, but his jazz one, honestly, you should really whatever it is. It's a great fucking piece of music. No, but his jazz one, honestly, should really check it out. It's really lovely. Well, we will have to check it out at our own time because right now we've got a cheap show to

get on with and this cheap show has been structured around the bag we were given after the live show at the Cheerfully for Podcast Festival a month or so ago, whenever it was. And also structured around the bag of weed. What bag of weed? The one that I've got jostling in my nostril. I think that's just foamage. It's in there. That's fungal foamage around your ball bags. It's aerating the jostle.

Just saying that's ball bag foamage. I'll give you ball bag foamage. Fucking weakly do. Foamage. E.D. foamage. Oh, you know what? E.D. foamage. Try to get, if I just... Don't throw the finger at me. I'll throw the finger at you. E D Foamage Ho! I don't know what. E D Foamage Ho!

Don't throw the finger at me. I'll throw the finger at you. That's good. It is actually a good phrase. Yeah. Well, you'll all be using it. You're liquid intelligence actually, you're right. That is kind of liquid intelligence, isn't it? See, speaking of which... I know him so well. Every time I try to consider a fart, I pull out before the maneuver is ruined.

The liquid pressure builds up. I can feel like a Tongsworth of trouble. Right, so he's sticking his tongue out in a weird way. Paul, stop. Like that. Paul. Should we crack on with it? There's letters to read.

Crack on. Crack on. No, have you explained to them what's going on in this week's episode already? Yeah. You have? I just said it's structured around a this week's episode already? Yeah. You have? I just said it's structured around a bag we were given at the live show. Okay. So we're going to dive into it.

Let's get that bag open and dive in. Let's drop our pants and get the bags out. It's not good, is it? Right, here we go. You peeked when you said throw the finger. You peek when you get too close to the microphone and talk loud. Oh my god, daddy. Like this then, just like now, just like that. Oh, who twanged? I did a big old twang. Right, so, let's find out. I'm

looking forward to this. So, as you can see behind me, Eli, there is a stack of items all brown wrapped. I can't let that lie. Brown wrapped? They are wrapped in brown paper. Brown wrapped? It's easy enough to say. I did and I said brown wrapped. That's not what it means. Yeah but you understood it and I was going to talk to you. I understood what you were trying to say. Brown wrapped. But you've got a blockage and you know what the blockage is? Your own mind. Brown wrapped. You can't see through. It doesn't matter does it? You know how I think your mind works? There's a wall of possible words coming towards your consciousness. Brown wrapped.

And you always pick the wrong one. Doesn't matter. Don't care. I don't see a wall of words coming towards me. I'm literally, I'm in the words. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, here we go. Here is the part of the show where Eli likes to go around saying he's the greatest human specimen known to man. Infallible and perfect. Well, if that's true, why would we sit in a room that looks like a bin man out of shit?

This looks pretty, it's looking pretty cool. It looks a bit hordy weird, but it looks pretty cool, come on. All it takes is a couple of diary entries scattered about and this could be a serial killers abode. That's all I'm going to say. Right, letter. We're in the House of Pickles, the original House of Pickles by the way everyone. Yeah, we're in the OP, OG OP.

I hope you're enjoying these episodes. They do have a certain manic intimacy because we are literally two feet away from each other. It's a very groin forward way of performing if you want to be honest. It's quite a groiny vibe. Our groins are eye to eye. You know what I mean? Come on, who's this from? Let's have it. Well luckily they have put their names on which means I don't have to go, oh fuck I forgot who sent this. Is there enough light there for you? Yes, Andy and Louise, I'm wearing my glasses as well which helps,

Andy and Louise sent this, or I say sent this, but came to the live show and left me with this bag. Thank you. We have many other bags to go through by the way, we're going to collect them from Tom who took them all from us and looked after them. Wow, we were all... Thank you, because I was drinking one gin and tonic after another from kind, kind viewers of the show who came along.

Emotionally and financially, support us. Right, so this is from Andy and Louise, thank you so much. And this came in an envelope that said, please read this out first. So I am doing that now. Let's have it. Hi Paul and Eli. We love cheap shows and wanted to contribute something to the show so here it goes. All the objects were bought from Haven House Children's Hospital located in Chingford,

Mount East London. All the objects cost no more than £10 altogether and no individual object was more than £3. Oh, we'd plan the price of shite. I guess so. Did you not know this? I didn't really look. That bag's been in the corner for two weeks. Alright, so the price is shite then. Hope this gives you something to work with. Good luck Andy and Louise. So... Where is the prices? Andy and Louise. Oh you've got them there. Now who's going to look after them? Ned the Noodle. Is Ned Noodle available for a... I've produced him, he's come up. And I can put his feet into a splay. Because of the wire inside. Because of the nasty wires. Alright well then we need to give... I'm going to hand these prices of objects over to Ned Noodle. And there he is.

There you go old Ned. Top me Chromebook. You can't go wrong with Ned Noodle can you? He's always there. You can go wrong. However I don't know what any of these items are because they're all wrapped so they're all mystery. There's something more appealing to me these days than a group of objects wrapped in brown paper than if they were in a party or Christmas wrapping. It reminds me of children going away during the Second World War and then they've got everything wrapped in, or like Christmas during the war when everything's wrapped in brown paper.

It has a vibe doesn't it? It has a vibe to me. Parochial British village kind of thing. I don't know. Like a rural post office or something. Yes, yes, yes. Oh yes. So, let's...

How are we going to do this? They're not numbered or anything. No, so have you got a pen and paper to write this shit down? I do, I do Paul, I do. In that case, before we go any further, let's take a quick break because I need to wee and you need to find paper and pen. So we're going to start the Price of the shite officially after this short sound effect. Right Eli has pen and papered himself.

I have a little notepad and I'll be taking down the scores. Now what did the letter say again? 10? There's 8 items. 8 items wow. The letter said, you mean in terms of the price window? Yeah, none of them more than £3. £10 altogether, each personal item was less than £3. Less than £3.

Or rather, it was no more than £3, I guess. Which is similar to less than £3. But actually has a little, I mean, if you said it was less than £3, does that make you under-price it than if I said it's no more than £3? Interesting. I think a lot of research has been done about this. It's like half full glass bollocks kind of thing. It's all exploiting what people, the order that you put numbers in something. We pay more attention to the beginning of something that someone says rather than the end,

which is why people put it in small print or they at the end of an advert they'll say, you know, may cause blindness or something, you know, right at the end really quickly. But there is a similar thing. Well, it's the whole thing with like, which people don't really fall for, I don't think these days something, you know, right at the end really quickly. But there was a similar thing, well it's the whole thing with like, which people don't really fall for I don't think these days, but you know making something 999. 99, you think, well it's a bargain that, but it's not really like it's a deal. There was a time before they used to do that and then there was a time I think it was the 80s when suddenly everyone realized that you could put it in something for 99p in it. Due to the change to a decimal cash or whatever it is. You couldn't have done it before the change to decimal.

Not that I knew what the alternative would have been in the pre-decinalisation money thing. It sounds so complicated, doesn't it? Imagine trying to... People want to go back to that. Fucking... They don't. That generation needs to die quick. Right, here's the first thing.

I'm going to let you open it. Right, let me do two. I'm going to... Right, P and E. I'm going to do a P column. P, V, E. And an E column here. P, V, E. Then I'm gonna put a P and an E column here. Then I'm gonna put item one. Item one is this. I'm gonna let Eli open this first item. It feels like a bottle of something. It's splishy and a splashy in the hand. Oh yes, splishy splashy. I hope

it's not carbonated. I'm gonna guess. It looks like it's an atomiser. To me this looks like what it might be. It's a bottle of cheap shampoo or bath bubble stuff. I'm gonna get some kind of serum to spray in a fine mist upon one's face or hair area. Or one of those mists you spray down the toilet when you've had a big stinky shit and it's called vipoo or something and it's like... You've got that. I have. It fucking works. Let's not beat around the bush. It fucking works. Beat around the fucking hairy stinky bush! It takes the funk out of the grunt! I'm sorry!

I've moved on mate from it. What is it? Sorry, I'm sorry, the stinky bush! I know. Alright, let's just work that out of your system mate. Then we can crack on. Stinky bush is so funny! Is it though? Or is it just that you found it amusing? I don't know I can't talk about that on anyone else mate

can I? Very crystalline of you. What is it? Talk into the mic so we can fucking hear. I can't fucking see properly. I'll read it then. Martin X anti-Martin spray. Sorry what? This is anti-Martin spray. See this is where my crystalline intelligence comes in, because I know what a Martin is. It's a small mammal. Oh, so it's not like my friend Martin, I spray this and I keep him away. And it's spelled differently. Oh, it's like a marmot. It's like a kind of...

A vole. Yeah. Those things you put in your pants and they run around. What are those things? What? I can't find the word. You put them in your pants. Not a around? Er, what are those things? What? I can't find the word. You put them in your pants. Not a shrew.

A shrew smaller. It used to be something that everyone talked about in the 80s and no one does that anymore. They were like the white dog poo of its time. What? It's not a vole. Vermin, vole. No, come on. What goes down your pants? Not an otter.

What goes just... Not an otter. No, we can... Let's just go... Not a shrew. Vole. Not a vole. Gerbil. What? You put down your... It's one of those snake-like rodents.

Yeah. Whip it. That's a dog. That's a dog. What are they fucking called? Ask what small rodents men use to put down their pants. What small rodents do men put down their pants? Right, it's doing it. According to Wikipedia, gerbiling, also known as gerbil stuffing or gerbil shi-

That's not what we were looking for. Gerbil stuffing? That's not what we were looking for. Gerbil stuffing? That's what gerbiling is called. Oh my god. That's not what we were looking for. Hang on, hang on. Let's do this again because I think we both talked over each other.

Ferret! Ferret! The only reason that came to my head was because I was going to type in the search engine. What ferrets do you put out of your bag? It just slipped in. Anyway. It's like a ferret pool. It's a natural marten repellent. Are they local to the UK?

I think you get them more on the continent. We're going to have to smell it aren't we? Yeah but is it going to make this room smell like piss? Let me have a look at the back. It's not going to make it smell of piss. No but it might be like the elk piss where it's at someone else's territory so it stays away. And to be fair do you want this house to smell of Martin Piss? It might actually sort of take a few thousand off the price of the property. Oh look, listen, listen.

Upside, inside out, livin' la vida, loco. It's Ricky Martin. Ricky Martin, thank you. Keeps him away. So I spray it on a tissue so it doesn't get into the air. I guess. Yes. I guess. I've got a little bit of tissue in my pocket if you want to. Yeah, let's just use a bit of that.

And it is clean, it's just all crumbled. And be sensible about it, yeah? Yeah, because on this podcast, although we do like to have a laugh, we don't like to do it in lieu of our health. I mean, it's to keep them away from the home, so you'd think it's probably not that bad. True. Because I've got this cat spray, which you spray and it calms cats down but it doesn't really smell of anything but I bet it smells like something crazy to the cat.

Oh yeah I'm getting that now. What is it? Is it pissy? It's not even worth me spraying it but. Fine. Can I sniff though? If I take this off. Ooh it's very acanthory.

No don't. No I was just jostling it. Wow I thought you sprayed it there. No I was just jostling it. Oh yeah it smells like a jostick. Cinnamon or yeah. That's you sprayed it. No, I was just jostling it. Oh, yeah. It smells like like like a cinnamon or yeah. That's quite nice. Yeah. Go out for the night lady. Go out for the night. Oh no, I'm a Martin. I can't go near you.

Keep your hands off my bird, Martin. Yeah, so it's definitely just sort of like essential oils that they don't like or something, you know. Right, in that case, how much do you think that costs knowing that it can't be more than £3? Shall I have the first guess? Oh, it's really got a nice smell actually. I know. Right, in that case how much do you think that costs knowing that it can't be more than three pounds? Shall I have the first guess? Oh it's really got a nice smell actually. I know it's not too bad and if it keeps Martins out we'll win. So I'm going to go ahead and guess that is one pound and 40p. 140. That's just my guess for now. And they said they got it from a hospital charity shop. Yes. Do you want me to go through it again? Please just to remind me. Haven House Children's Hospice located in Chingford, East London. It's a hospice, they have a higher

funk because they're more local those hospice charity shops. And they must have loads of Martins out there. Anyway, what are you saying for the price? You know what, I think you're in the right area. It's quite a nuanced guess from you. I can't see it being three quid. Oh by the way, obviously I've not touched these, these are all sealed and stuff and I've not opened the envelope. So I haven't got it. No, they've been lovely wrapped with loving care by Andy and Louise. There you go mate, how much then? How much? It was Andy and Louise.

See, crystalline intelligence there mate. How much? Recall. I'm going to say 125 but there's a reason for that. That is the scoring system we use in this Price is Shite. So we've been very lax about explaining that. Someone might have just gone, I want something cheap. I'm looking for something cheap. Oh, is this a podcast?

Perhaps they'll tell me about something cheap. Quickly then, tell them the points. They're here now and they don't know what's going on now, Paul. Hey everyone, we guess prices. I've got fucking Martin repellent on my fingers. Yeah, but it's not the worst thing. It could have been yak piss type stuff. It's like clove.

So here's what we're going to do. We guess the prices and to get points for those prices we actually call them Pertwings and to get those Pertwings we have to be spot on. If we are spot on we get two Pertwings. If we're out on the price either way the correct answer lower or higher by 25p it's just the one Pertwing. However we have the Quids Gambit where once in the game you can say that is a £1 item and that is also a double Perting if you get it correct nice explanation Paul

But I have to stop you and correct you why the quids gambit is not hasn't been mentioned by either Andy or Louise in there We can now play it because it's now part of the system if there is a quid which there might be Yeah, you see remain the quids gambit has been set. That's why you set the act where it's called the gambit I'll be playing the quids gambit. I'm playing the quids gambit. Which means what we get an extra between if it's called the Gambit. I'll be playing the quids gambit rule. I'm playing the quids gambit. Which means what? We get an extra between if it's a quid. It's two betwings if you say that's a quids gambit item and it is a quids gambit item and you get two betwings.

So you get four betwings in total. No, two. Well that's just the same as not getting it on the nose then. It's funny, isn't it? No, I think there should be an extra between. Add one, three. The quids gambit gives you three. See?

Liquid intelligence, mate. I'm adaptable, I'm learning. Moving on. I'll open item number two then. And it's a heavier one, sturdier. Oh Paul, I'm just moving on I'll open item number two them and it's a heavier one sturdier. Oh Paul I'm just getting a text message mate. See I'm gonna crack on those what Martins they've cancelled No, I'm cooked yeah Plagues to be is it come on? It's your turn to I see this one's heavier and just by feeling it

Do you know what I want to say it is? Like a little tiny item, like a kind of doll's house item. Okay, a miniature item. I want to say an oven. That'd be a big guess. I do like small things. Oh, it does look like a... Oh, it is.

Doll's house furniture, well done. Doll's house furniture. I guess because of the little legs, I can feel them. I love it. It's metal, is it metal? Yeah. It goes with that brass light someone sent us. The door comes open, all the drawers come open. Oh, that's a lovely, it's a sideboard. Oh. Like a dresser, is it metal? It goes with that brass light someone sent us. Oh the door comes open, all the drawers come open!

Oh that's a lovely, it's a sideboard. Like a dresser, is it a dresser? No it's an old, old style oven or something. Like an Arga? No it's like, we're talking like 1890s kind of thing. It's similar to an Arga. I'm not going to Arga with you over this. Shut up, don't fist pump that. What have you dropped?

Your weed. Oh look, this is great detail on this. We had some in the past, little porcelain ones. It's ornate, isn't it? I don't know, if you're talking to the microphone we could hear your opinion. It's ornate, isn't it? It's got a lovely little look. The drawers work. Yeah, I said this literally a minute ago.

Anyway, you're guessing the price of this. You know what this is? This is like a little drawer that you take the ashes out with, I reckon. Maybe, or it could be for bread. It's possible. Oh it's like a loaf shape. I don't know. There is actually a manufacturer's logo on the oven door. Is there? This is a vintage 1970s play me is the manufacturer. Okay. Miniature die cast oven. I mean it's nicely detailed. It's a pencil sharpener. We it? Oh, we didn't even see that. We didn't see the hole. And then that must mean you couldn't empty the shavings out in the little big door.

The little big door. It's nicely detailed. Two have come up for sale. One is 57 quid on Etsy and another one is 41 quid on Etsy. There is one from the US for $35 on eBay. This very same thing with the pencil sharpener. It's exactly the same. Look, it's quite distinctive. It's done a good job on the search there. The question is though,

how much did he pay for it in a charity shop hot-piss? Your turn to guess first. Well, that little search has made me think, Paul, that it could be on the more expensive side. I've got a number in me, Ed, but let's see what Eli says. I have to guess first this time, this go around. I'm going to say, I'm going to go the top end of the window, get off the ceiling. I'm gonna go near the ceiling. Yeah, you're gonna press your face against the glass ceiling. Yes. And hopefully someone will come and take a poo, because that would get me off in a sexual

way if they pooed on top of the glass ceiling. And I can't just spread it all around. No! You want to Robert De Niro it? Is it De Niro? Why does anyone they want to fucking demonise? It is, I've heard De Niro like Scat, Scat Glass play. So did Hitler.

And Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry did. And now Eli, so you can put all them together. Eli's in the same group of people as Hitler, Robert De Niro and Chuck Berry. Congratulations. How much do you think it is then? I'm going to go 275. Right, I'm going to say 250, because that was what popped into my head and I'm going to lock that in. 250 is what popped into my head as well, but I'm going to go...

But I see you'll play the 25p. What did I guess for the first item? I don't... one... 25, it was £1.25 I guess. Okay. The first item. Second item I said, 275. And I said 250. Now, do you want to write what the name of the item is so we don't get confused on that? Okay, what was the first item?

Squirt, just put spray. A Martin. And then that is the pencil sharpener. Here you go Eli, open up the third item. We've got a load of these to get through so it's a whistle stop run through. Okay, this feels to me... Oh yeah, let's have a little guess. It's fun that.

It's a cardboard box, an oblong shaped cardboard box. I'm trying to shake it. It's got cards in it. It doesn't feel like cards because it feels too light. Oh, you know what it might be because I had a quick feel of it. Top trumps. No, it's definitely not, because look, feel the weight. Oh, it's very light, you're right. It feels like it's going to be some kind of stationary item.

Oh, that's also, yeah, no, also valid. All right, open it up, see what's inside. It's fun, this is the Wacken Trolls. It is fun, I love the brown. We don't often get to have this kind of sense of discovery together, do we? Don't be rude. Ooh! What is it? It's Curious Creatures' Charles Lindbergh. Does that mean anything to you?

Collectible enamel pin! Oh, it's an enamel pin! What the fuck is it? Is it a... What is that? I don't... What's this? Let me open it. Open it.

Because I can't quite make it out, but it looks like a kind of... Jamaican burger man? I don't know what that is. Because he looked like a burger head. But with a Jamaican hat on or something. Jamaican burger man. I love it. Oh! What is it? No, it's, he's a, Lindbergh is an early aviator, isn't he? Yeah, well famously. So those are goggles. Look, and there's a photo... Oh, that would make sense then, because he was the... Limburg baby was the one that was kidnapped. Is that right?

That's right. Yeah, so Charles Limburg, yeah, so it must be... So hang on, wait there. So what is the pin actually meant to look like then? I think it's him with his sort of high altitude aviation mask on. But it says weird creatures. Because look, there's his jacket. But it says curious creatures.

His mouth looks like it's made of a burger, you're right. What is going on with this pin? I don't understand this pin. Look it's a burger head man. I was right then. Lin burger. Oh it's a pun pin. So Charles Lindbergh was the man and Charles Lindbergh. It's a wait this is there more hang on. There's no more. No, is anything on the box like four or other designs in this range? Oh yeah. No. But read the back. It says, as the first all beef patty to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean, Charles Lindbergh was truly a rare to medium rare aviator. It's a Pan Pin. He took off from Long Island, New York in his airplane. Oh, the spirit of St. Lettuce. Stop. Stop there. He landed his buns in Paris after a 33 and a half hour flight. He was grilled by reporters who gave him a job well done.

You could say Lucky Lindsay's sizzling flight left the rest of the world trying to catch up. But that might be cheesy. Please stop. Fuck me, that sounded like a local radio station link. It seems to be a lot of pin for just one little pun, you know what I'm saying? It's not the most aesthetically pleasing of pins I've seen, Paul. What do you think? No, it's flat in a way that I can't really get on with.

And there's also not much about it. It's a decent quality. What's the company that made it? Amazing Creatures or whatever. This is just saying that it's a rare stamp, but it's obviously not. Pick up the thing, they're called? The company's called, oh, it came in a thing called the Curiosity Box, which is a loot box based around science and STEM type stuff.

Do you know who's behind the Curiosity Box? I saw it today. No, don't know. Vsauce. Really? Yeah. The huge YouTube channel. So it's from the Curiosity Box, and that's quite interesting.

Yeah, how much then? Oh, I'm guessing. I'm going to say £2 pound nose on the nose. Mint on card isn't it? It is in good you know well in a condition it's not like it's mint but yeah. I'm gonna say 150. All right so badge I say 250 and you said one pound 50 was that right? You said I said two oh what did I say? You said two on the nose. Oh yeah two on the nose. And I'm saying one pound 50. Good. No, I'm just. Oh, you're gonna have to make a decision. 135.

135, a very specific number, if you don't mind me saying so. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm not gonna get any on the nose here. We don't know, do we? I'm just trying to get those betweens either way. We don't know. We don't know.

It's very rare that an item is a five pence multiple of. Let's try the next item out. Right, I'll open this one. I get to open this one. No, you open the badge. I did. Right, so this feels like a CD right off the back. Very much, I can hear it. Yeah, I can feel the dual case. It's an exact dimension of a crystal. So let's see. Crystal. We don't get a lot of CDs on this podcast when you think about it. Are they called dual cases or crystal cases? Well, I've always called them dual cases and that's... I wonder why? What have we got here? Oh dear.

What is this? Luke, fictitious. Fictitious optimism. And it looks like an EP. It's got five tracks on it. Shoes, Mountain, Down Into, Swim, the radio edit, and then fictitious optimism. Believe in your premonitions productions by Drew Schwallinger, 2005. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads.

And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads.

And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads. And then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads 2005 and then the artwork is just like foggy mountain roads and shit What are they called? Luke Fictitious. So this looks like it is an independently made CD. It's got that big fancy, you remember that big church that they go to in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Not church, castle. That big castle they go to in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I think that's on the CD itself. Oh, yeah. What's the album called?

Oh, look, there's a person's face underneath the CD. That must be Luke Fictitious. Luke Fictitious, because Luke, fuck off. What's the album called? Fictitious Optimism. Does he have any online footprint? Yeah. He does.

What is it? He's got loads of stuff. Has he? Yeah. Want to hear what the song's on that? Shoes. Is he called Luke Fictitious? Yeah. Wanna hear what are the songs on that? Shoes. Is he called Luke Fictitious? Yeah. Oh there's him. That is him isn't it?

That is him. Oh it's quite mook. Sounds quite psyche. This is strange. Oh mate, he's got a website. Is it all very synthy like this? I'm going to the middle of the track. Alright, skip to the middle. It's kind of cinematic.

What's going on? He's weird. Alright, I might check that out. He's got a website, it says, the second coming of fictitious optimism. And he writes, well if you cannot afford to do it right the first time you can always redo it. And so the reworking of what will become the second coming of fictitious optimism has begun. The important thing that I have to mention is that I wanted to upgrade the song Shoes, and that evolved into Hidden Answers and then became The Hidden Princess. Normally-

That's the one we just heard, The Hidden Princess, I think. Oh, okay. Normally my songs would only have a small lyrical change, however when this song the lyrics were completely rewritten. Blah blah blah blah blah. But here in England I often felt like there was not really freedom of speech. Oh god. There was a vision in the video in Shoes where a politician meets a horrible end for not cleaning up the environment. But here in England I often feel there's not really freedom of speech.

Right on Luke. Oh fuck off Luke. Why didn't you, why don't you like him? You are veering to the right my friend. No that's just the way I'm sitting mate. It's just a... Oooh! Eye to eye groinle, eye to eye. Groinle.

And then there's a couple of updates. 50p. Eli, I'm going to play the quids gambit on this one. Oooh, he's playing the quids gambit. So he does get, if it is a quid, he will get three between. Three between. So we both agree on that. Playing the quids gambit, yeah.

Right, next item. You get to open this. Handing the... This looks like a cassette. What is this,ids Gambit, yeah. Right, next item. You get to open this. Handing the... This looks like a cassette. What is this, the fourth, fifth item? It's a cassette. I mean, I think so, yeah. But is it the fifth item?

Can we confirm? This is item number five. Right, good. It is a cassette, I'm pretty certain. You're pretty... I am confident as well, but is it a video game cassette? Is it an album cassette? It's a very familiar shape and sound.

Could be a blank cassette. Yeah. That's the sound of the spools. You can feel the reels. The spools. The spools and reels. Jostling. Jostling. Do you like to jostle-ate? Not a lot of late. Ooh! What is it?

Carrots in knots! As in Jasper Carrot is in Nottingham. It is a comedy cassette featuring comedian Jasper Carrot in a set he recorded in Nottingham. I'm guessing. A live recorded in Nottingham, I'm guessing. A live set from Nottingham. I like the yellow and black cassette. One of my first ever cassettes was a Jasper Carrot comedy cassette that I enjoyed a lot.

I like Jasper Carrot. I like him. He was a very good stand-up in my opinion. It's gentle. Good storyteller. Yeah. He's that style. He's like Billy Connolly in that way.

He's more of a storyteller than a gag smith, if that makes sense. Yeah, but it's very funny. Yeah. Aspects of it probably haven't aged. Do you know what though? In terms of a hit rate, I'd be very surprised if anything is outright objectionable that he ever said. So on this we have, side one, Give Me an F, Top of the Pops, My Cottage, New Faces, Now

All Join In, Bastardy Chelt, that's a Chastity Belt. Yeah, bit of spoonerism there. Malshirt, War Malcolm, as in R Malcolm, as in, that's like a dialect thing, isn't it? Radio Adverts, probably complaining about them. He was very observational, as well as the storytelling, he did observational stuff. And I think people like Rob Grant and Doug Naylor from like Red Dwarf wrote gags from a certain point in his career. Yeah, these are all written by him.

Good, that makes sense. Apart from Bantam Cock. Bantam Cock. Says Jay Thackeray. Yeah, some are songs. Because Jasper Carrot, like Connolly, came up through the folk circuit. Yeah, like Richard Digent as well, people like that.

I like the colour scheme, black and yellow. I said that as well. And I like the sleeve where it's got like photograph slides, whatever you want to call them. Film strips. Yeah. Same difference in it. It's not. There were a collection of photographs in a slide. That's what I mean, the words came along and you made the selection of the words and you didn't think about it. You still understood it and the people listening probably got it in their head. Film slides,

no. Those are something very- I said photograph slides I said actually. Yeah. Because it's not really a film strip is it? Because it wouldn't be. They're little sections of film strip or negatives, negative strips. Yes. Fuck's be. They're little sections of film strip or negative strips. Yes. Fuck's sake! It's just weird how you just... I need to blow my nose. You're just doing all this.

Hello, Mr Editor, I need to blow my nose. You can now... Pbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr that cassette. Now you have to guess first. I do and I'm going to guess 60p, 60p for the Jasper Carrot cassette. 60p! 60p from you. 60p so it is. And Eli, what's the price you're going to give to this Jasper Carrot cassette? I'm going to play the quids gambit here. Oh that's a wise wide choice mate. I'm playing the quids gambit here. He's playing the queens gambit let it be said. Quids gambit. Quids Gambit, I don't know why I said Queen. Stop saying Queen because you get the wrong word. That's what I mean.

It's because I stole it from the Queen's Gambit show. I know but then there's no fucking point, is there? Quids Gambit. Thank you. Don't put down a pound, you put down QG. I put Quids Gambit. I've written one Quids Gambit. You don't, you just put QG.

I put what I fucking please when I'm taking a score. It's not going to be certified as a score if you put it down in any other way than QG. I won't let it stand if you don't. I'm sorry, I had a go at the way you talked. Just keep going. Ongoing cunt. Right, this next one. This one feels like it could be Top Trumps. It's got that.

Oh, another card shaped. It's got that card shape, but it's also got the, you know, we'll see. This feels like Top Trumps. It's got that. Oh another card shaped. It's got that card shape but it's also got the. The weight. You know, we'll see. This feels like top trumps. Feels like it's crammed with cards of some sort. Now if it is top trumps, play another little game. What do you think the top trumps are? Like is it dog shit? Like different types of dog shit top trumps? We've had that a few times haven't we? Shit cars. Do we think it's novelty or not novelty? It's gotta be novelty otherwise they wouldn't have bought it. I would like it to be like rock bands or something, that would be interesting wouldn't it? But if it's like James Bond or Harry Potter top trumps or fucking...

Oh Potter, anything Potter, out of this house, forever. I'm done with that stuff. Anyway let's find out. Oh. Is it top trumps? No they're just playing cards. Oh, world record holders, so it's not really top trumps if we're going to be strict about it.

I mean I guess you could play it with the top trumps rules. I need to get the tape off. Give me, give me, give me. So yeah, it's not top trumps, but it's effectively top trumps. It's a collection of cards where they have world record holders with their stats. And I'm guessing you could play a game version of it where you compare stats. Who's the fastest? Who's the tallest? Who's the biggest? Oh, so it's a separate game.

You could have just used a pen and just... I've done it. So I have been able to do and just... I've got it. I've done it. So I have been able to do it. It's like watching a horse try to do it. It's not like watching a horse. It is, it's like watching a horse trying to untie a knot. It's not. It is. It's possible, but it's fucking weird to watch.

Listen, there's a place down the road where I can show you a horse. Can you? Yes. What kind of horse? It's a horse who's got a massive car. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. But yet you still tried.

Is it a manageable big horse cock? It's a big horse cock. Could I rest it against my arm and it go from shoulder to wrist? Oh easy. Yeah? I'm in. Make that booking. I'm in. I'll bring a bucket for the booking. Make a bucket for the booking. These are all I'll bring a bucket for the booking. Make a bucket for the booking.

These are all v- These are all boats. Get a bucket for the booking. This is not- This is world record holding boats, Paul. Oh. They're all boats. Look, they're ships. Oh.

That's kind of fucking boring. They're just pictures of ships and you've got the flag- I thought it was gonna be like, here's the tallest man- We've done this, but we've had these before, haven't we? Well, no, we haven't had these, but we've had ships and they were boats. I'm sure they were boats with the fucking flag in the corner.

I hate when this show blanks out memory from me. You know what I mean? When it's kind of like, you go, we've done this, and I go, I don't think so. It's because you lack crystalline intelligence, don't you? No, it's because I'm fluid. Yeah, but no, that's just true. I'm always shifting. So you don't, your memory isn't your strong point. I'm always moving on.

Memory isn't great with you. It's better with me. I am more crystalline than you, aren't I? Yeah, you're more rigid and I'm more wibbly wobbly. You're rock hard and I'm turgid. No, turgid means hard. Just fucking set you off. It's so fucking easy. I hate it when you misuse words. No, well I do it sometimes to wind you up just like them. S.O. Cardiff. All right, anyway, how much is this? Turbo Lanka. I'm gonna... It's just a bunch of fucking boats. How much do you think it is? It doesn't say turbo Lanka. It doesn't say turbo Lanka here. Does it say turbo Sri Lanka? You just missed out the shre. No, it says... Talking to the mic! Turbine tanker of the Esso Petroleum Company. Evil cunts. That guy's a bit of a

turbine tanker. Right, how much do you think it is then? The cards, top trumps, world records, how much? Because we played our quids gambit. We can do two double quids gambit, you just do, you say which, you can say it's a quid, you just don't, aren't playing the quids gambit. So you only get the extra point. The whole point is, the whole point is, there's always one item that happens, so you can only commit to the one one pound once. That's the whole point. That was the whole point of the Queen's Quids.

GABBIT! Who's angry now? Just give us a prize. He started drinking everyone. Have you had those? Sweet cherry B. You like that stuff don't you? I do, because I like the cherry flavour.

It's nice. How much are you saying for these cards? I want to say 75p and I'm gonna say 75p Well, very unprofessional you got a very important job and you have absolutely fucked it I have not even remember what I said I didn't hear you. I'm saying 75. What's this item six? This is item six Well, this was the just world boats world off. What did I say for the last one? 60p? You said 60p for the... I'm gonna say... I'm just gonna say 50p.

I'm just gonna go 50p and keep it simple. Because who wants these anymore? They're not gonna put them at a high price. Although it is London, so who fucking knows? Is it London? They're not in London. This isn't from London. This is from London. Well it said London, Chingford. No it didn't. Chingford's just outside London. It's just outside? So that's fine. Alright good. You can open the next one. Did it say Chingford? Yeah absolutely said

Chingford. Thought your crystalline memory mate was good to remember that. Now this is another square thing. For me this feels like a photo frame or something but I don't know. Could be something like that Paul? Yeah it has a frame but there seems to be something of um movement in it. There seems to be something of mass within. A jostling element. It's a jostling element that has some girth and max in there. Max, mass. What is it then? He's got his fingers in. It is...

Tin can man, handkerchief in a tin. Wait, what? It's a handkerchief in a tin. Oh, so... Underwhelming item. It is a novelty thing, isn't it? I'm taking the plastic one. I don't know, we can't hear you because thing, isn't it? I'm taking the plastic off. I don't know, we can't hear you because you're never on mic.

I'll take the plastic off it. Oh, and it comes in like a fish tin. It's not a fish, yeah, like a sardine tin. It's got a little wrinkle on the corner. That means once it's open, you can't resell it. What are we going to do? Should we open it? Well, yeah, because you know what's going to be in there?

A fish-based handkerchief. No, it's this. There's a picture of it on the cover. It's some kind of fishing aphorisms thing. Fishing is better. Fishing is better than sex because no, no, no. Sex is a wonderful thing between two consenting adults who really want to express their love. The minute anyone says, coffee's better than sex because or do this like fuck off alright sex is a great thing when done with love and correctly quite great when it's done like messily and with like conflicting you can be slapdash as fuck in a good

old grumble says have to be you don't have to be in love either no true consent is consent is the word here but I will not have people say on any joking level the act of fishing is better than sex. I'll let you open it because I... Well, we're going to be able to see why they think sex is better. I mean, I like the conceit. I like the idea of having a hanky and a tin and a fish thing. Oh, God, that's lethal as well. The ring pull came right off and that's a jagged fucking

tin. Yeah, it's a proper tin. I mean, that's... Don't, yeah, don't... I'll take a picture of that in a jagged fucking tin. Yeah, it's a proper tin. I mean, I'm gonna recycle that. I'll take a picture of that in a minute anyway. And I bet the handkerchief is awful quality. Well, it's in it, it's blue and it has written on it. And I guarantee you, whatever the price is, you're paying. It's fine, it's just a cotton handkerchief.

Yeah, don't snatch it. I just feel. I was letting you have a feel. Yeah, but before I even smacked four, my fingertips could get a grasp of the feel. I know because I knew you were trying to get a hold on it. I didn't want to. I just wanted to feel the cold.

Can we stop bickering over this? Please. This is silly. I had yet to make an opinion on the fabric quality on my fingertips because I had not had the time. Okay, here you go. I'm holding it up. I will not let this lie.

You got all really cumulatively after all of this. Come on. What does it say? Give us some of the things. Fishing is better than sex because there are several reasons why it's better than sex. Come on, pick a few. No, I'll go from the start. Go. A limp rod is still useful while fishing.

Is it bollocks? You don't have to hide your fishing magazines. You do, and you leave spunk all in them and your girlfriend goes, why is there all your muck on a picture of some perch? A perch, very good. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you. Perfectly fine to pay a professional sex worker. This is an hour in a different...

Depending on what country you're in and its laws, I suppose. Well, not if that sex worker is being exploited. Exactly, but this is why we need legislation in this country, like they have in Australia. I'm with you. Or in Amsterdam and such and things. It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger. It should be perfectly acceptable to have sex with a total stranger. Consent is the byword here.

Adult consent. Yes. It's simple enough. Yeah. Most fucking Saturday nights out in Camden end with two strangers doing the monkey dance of Le Maw. Not enough. Not you, you mean. Not me. Yeah, specifically making it all about you. Look, if anyone listening want to go to the blues kitchen on a Saturday

night and trouble is double off. No, then go for it because you have my permission. I work there. Go up to a DJ booth and you say, Paul says I can gobble your double off. Do not. Do not encourage that. I just have to say now, Paul. Pfft. Cobble my gobble off. When people who listen to our podcast, Paul, have come to the Blues Kitchen, they've been extremely friendly and respectable.

We have lovely fans, to be fair. Thank you. Not a lot of them try and jump down to their knees and gobble your gobble off. And it would not be appropriate. No, it wouldn't be. Consent is the word. Do you want to hear any more of these fish-

Just one more, I'm fucking done. We've got to pick a price. It's 10 minutes. They're all along the same, they're puns essentially. There are no fishing transmitted diseases. Now I would take issue with that. You could give fish herpes, couldn't you? Yeah. Of course there's fishing transmitted diseases. They're fucking fish. They get lice. Have you seen that thing where the whole tongue of a fish is replaced by the parasite and it acts as their tongue? Have you seen that? Yes. That is horrid. Here's the one thing where I would say fishing is better than sex, right?

And I've not seen this so maybe there's something similar on the hanky. But I would say... Funny joke coming in now everyone. No, I'm just saying, this is what I'm going to say. The only time fishing is better than sex is when my bait isn't covered in maggots. Anyway, press the button let's fight for the youngest no we've got to cover the price I'm gonna say two pound I wasn't your go to doesn't matter I'm getting this on two pound for the fish fish hanky fish hanky oh sounds wrong yeah that sounds wrong okay for the old fish hanky there's no

ah darling I've come too soon have you got a fish hanky have you got a fish hanky? Have you got a fish hanky? No darling you came on my thigh pass me the fish hanky That's what it is It's a rags for soaking up cum Misplaced cum Consent Old fishy cum

Consent How much did you say for the fish hanky? Come on we've got to wrap this up Did you see that suit came down? No I don't want to wrap this up come on! God my pen's unscrewed itself. I said £2. That is not under euphemism ladies and gentlemen. How much do you say it is? No I have to screw this pen back together. Mate fish hanky. Fish hanky. I'm saying £2. You're saying a two whole quid. Yeah I think you're paying mostly for the tin there. I'd even say maybe three, you know what for a laugh I'm going to say £3.

You're going to say all the way to £3. I'm going to say £3 for this piece of shit. You're going to say all the way to £3. Yeah, we've got one more item. And I'm going to say £250 for that. Right. So I do, I agree. It was mint on card, it was totally mint in tin. Yeah. It was a fish hanky mint in tin. A mint in tin, a mint in tin!

Close your legs love, I can smell your fish hanky. A mint in tin, a mint in tin! Next item. Final item. It'sin! Next item, final item. It's item number 8, the final item. Thank you Andy and Louise. This has been a nice mix. It's been a great little, great selection I have to say. I'm opening this because it's obviously a board game and Ganon gets board games.

Alright, whatever. It's a big... There the pieces of rattle and attack. There's a lot of items in this, so this could even be... You can't guess what it would be. If I did though would you give me a five pound note? I have a fiver on me actually from when we bought weed earlier. Pulling back the curtain too much. Pulling back the fish curtain. So I don't know what this is. Have a peek round the fish hanky.

Peel the fish hanky back. Oh god. I don't know what this is going to be so let's open this up. Oh it's something you want. I nearly bought this. Wow that was a genuine exclamation of joy. I nearly bought this on eBay literally last night. Well you've made a saving. What is it? It's the Blankety Blanket Milton Bradley board game. Oh this is lovely. Well done finding this. This is in lovely condition. It's in lovely condition. Already there's a sheen coming off it. You know, the condition sheen.

Looks to be unplayed. Yeah, played once, put in the attic for 40 years. What a lovely thing. Look at this terrible illustration on the front, Paul. I know we've done blankety blank on Cheap Show in the past, like early, early days, but I would like to go back to it and use this board game version. I would love to.

Look, it's got all these terrible illustrations. Yeah and the interesting thing is you got this is imaginated in America right but... How did it? Here's the thing it wasn't called Blankety Blank in America because it was called the match game I think so I think the board game version of this which is why that art's so generic. Yeah but isn't that a recognizable... No it's all generic bullshit. Yeah and the presenter is not... Terry Wogan, it's not Les Dawson, it's all generic bullshit. Yeah. And the presenter is not Terry Wogan.

It's not Les Dawson. It's not the other one would have been, uh, way much later. Yeah. So it was, um, what was, um, Lily Savage, but blankety blank is one of the great British game shows in my opinion. Oh, absolutely. And when Dawson did it, it was an absolute light entertainment joy. It was like, if you pick a Terry W Wogan episode you'll still get a lot of enjoyment

out of that. Wogan was a good entertainer he just wasn't such a fucking naturally brilliant comedian as Dawson was. The problem with Dawson, not the problem, but the gift with Dawson is that he saw what this was which was a cheap game show on the BBC and bigged that up. He undercuts it so brilliantly the whole time. He's always making fun of people's agents and how much they're being paid for stuff and their gigs and work. I absolutely love it. But he does proper clowning as well. He'd put a stupid hat on and just run around and stuff and do stuff like that. Yeah, so that is a wonderful thing and because it's a board game I'm going to say £3 again because I'm going to as well. It has to be. I haven't said £3 for anything

yet. No, you could say. I mean we can match. There's no rule ever saying we can't have the same price or something. No, that's true. I mean we can match. There's no rule ever saying we can't have the same price or something. No, that's true. I think I'm going to have to go with you there. It's something we almost subconsciously avoid without really having a reason to. Well, you want to get more points. You want to get more per twinks, so you know. But I'm thinking we need to be more peaceful with this game going forward. Together we're getting per twinks, right? There's no way I'm going to agree to anything with that.

Well, that just shows how Eli's unmovable and where's that more liquid, you know I'm gonna say three quid again as well. I don't know what you said because it wasn't on mic So I don't know how much you want to say three quid there Paul. We're both saying three quid. So With all that being said we've got all the items done Do you want to go quickly through the prices before we move on to the scoring? You said three for the last two items I know I might amend the second to last one if we're allowed to do that. Well, let's go through and you can make an amendment. I think it's only the second to last one I make an amendment on.

All right, well, let's see. OK, so we had the Martin repellent. Yes. Which worked because those Martins cancelled. Absolutely. Yeah. It's just my phone keeps going. All the Martins I had coming.

They're fucking... Where are we going to get a Martin now? Well, I have to get rid of the spray. That wasn't as funny as we both thought that was going to be. I like it. It's a nice bit of colour. Come on. £1.40 you said for that and I said £1.25.

Okay. Then we had... What the fuck does that say? Was it the little ornament thing? Pencil sharpener. Badge I've got for the third thing. Oh yeah, badge. No, that's the third thing. So it was the pencil sharpener thing. It was the pencil sharpener thing. Ovener. Badge I've got for the third thing. Oh yeah, badge. No, that's the third thing.

So then it was the pencil sharpener thing. It was the pencil sharpener thing. Oven, that's what I've written. Yes, okay. Because it is an oven. How much did you say for that? You said £2.50 and I said £2.75. Fine.

The badge, which was that strange pun badge. The burger one. Yeah, you said £2, I said £1.35. Then we had the CD of the Strange Music by Luke Fictitious. You played the Quids Gambit there with one pound and I said 50p for that. I might have regretted that but fuck it all in. It's where you played your Quids Gambit which means if that item is a quid pool you'll be earning three p'twings up. An extra p'twing there. Not a bad place to be. Then the next thing is his car. Jasper Carrot. Carrot. Yeah that's right the Carrot cassette. Live in

Nottingham. 60p you said, I played the Quids Gambit on the cassette. Which I think is a better solid choice, but we'll see. Well, you can change. No, I'm going to stick with it. It's only the second to last one I want to change. Then we had the World Record Boats. You said 50p card game thing. I said 75p. Fine. Then we had the last two items.

Yes. What, the fish, the fish hanky in a tin? Yeah. You said three quid, I said two fifty. You want to make a change there? No. Oh yeah, sorry, that was the whole fucking point. I'm going to say two pound. Two pound for the tin, yeah. Yeah. The hanky in a tin. That's probably going to be more, I honestly think it's going to be more, but I want to stay away from three pound, I want to stay there for blankety blank. Okay, and then blankety blank ball game was the last item, we've both gone for the top price,

which Louise and Andy have said would be the highest price. It possibly could be for one item, three pounds. Well, it's all up in the air as we go into the discovery of points and potwings. So we're gonna do that by getting Ned Noodle to hand us the points, and let's crack on with that right now. Right, here we go. Ned's been looking after the points, he's been doing a sterling

job as ever. I did reward him Paul. I gave Ned a nibble. No I'll read these out. Because you've got the points there so you have to mark him off. Whereas you could do this, you get your little pencil and go actually I said 40p. I'm not going to do that, that's something you'd do Paul. Yes it is something I would do. You're a cheat. And therefore. You're a cheat. No I'm a liquid thinker. I'm a link liquid oh here we go so I'm gonna do it by how they're listed here. Okay I'm gonna do two separate things here and this is I've got a p column up here and an e column this is for the Pertwings only. Right and I'm gonna do this by this list and not ours. So keep an eye. I'm going to refer to our list.

Oven pencil sharpener. We're going to start with that one. Item number two on our list. You said £2.50 and I said £2.75. It was £1.50. Oh, we both miss out there. Although, if those prices are net to you, correct, you've done very well for yourself there in terms of buying that for £1.50. You could literally probably get a tenner for it quite easily. I wonder if it's on eBay.

We'll check that out a little bit later. No it is. There was one on eBay. That was the cheapest one for $35. Christ, there's still though. I also have, do you see that little cash register up there? Yes. That's metal and is a pencil sharpener as well, so it's a similar thing.

Same company, probably not. Could be, play me. I'm going to check. Let's check before we go into the wrap up at the end of the show. Yes. Right. Okay, so no Pertwinks receiver there, right? I'm crossing that off. We've done that. Next item is the world record holders card game. Make, I think we might be pulling donuts this week. Oh, well you always say this at this stage. I know, but let's just see. He's looked at the whole list everyone. Very quickly, but nothing sunk in.

You said for the card game, the world oh no that's carrot you said world record card game you said 50p yeah and I said 75p again one pound fifty oh that's way too overpriced if you ask me for that that's terrible. Chinkford must be well posh what's going on Charles Lindbergh baby badge or whatever it's fucking cool burger baby badge. Okay the badge, two pounds you said and I said one pound thirty five. Right, one pound! So what? If I'd say twenty five. I know so nothing either for us. Nothing. Donut, donut, donut. We've got donuts going down like a cat's nipple rose. Oh yeah. Or a dog. Or a dog. You know whatever has to look. Or a Martin. Three sets of nipples. I bet Martin's do as well. I know Martin's do.

Horses, no. No. Do horses have more than two tits? I'll find out later when I go round to that fucking place you're telling me about. It's called Horses Get Fucked By Horses Here. It's at number five. It's not a very good name for the place. A bit on the nose, isn't it? I can't invent things. I've got crystalline. I know. My head is crystal.

But this is the thing. This is the delicate balance of a double act. You're a jizzle jostle, I push and pull, we jibble jabble, and we make comedy with our jibble jabbles. Right, Luke Fictitious CD. I need to get some betwings here. How much did that, what did I say? For the CD, you played the quids gambit and I said half of the quids gambit, which is 50p. In that case, Paul Gannon gets the quids gambit. Oh, you can the quids gambit which is 50p. In that case Paul Gannon gets the quids gambit. Oh you can't! So that's three per twigs. And you wanted to change

it as well, you thought you were wrong. Well done you. Three per twigs for me. I don't get any. On, play the quids gambit. I don't get any. You don't know, the cassette might come up. You don't know, I haven't gotten there yet. The cassette is next. Well not on this list it's not. So fishing handkerchief in a tin. So you weren't even close. No, it's 75 to 25 feet away. So fishing the handkerchief in a tin, how much did you say? I said £2.50 for the fish handkerchief.

And how much did I say? You said £2.00. You changed your answer. £2.00 for that. That's two per twings again for Gannon. Oh, five per twings. This Twins. This has been quite the turnaround. I'm not enjoying this at all now.

Well let's find out where this goes because we've got two more items and the next one on this list. Oh wait, I'll tell you why there's a problem in a minute. Okay, Martin X Spray. We had to look on the internet to find out what this was for and apparently Pine Martins eat attack cars and the spray stops them from doing this. Oh cars, it's for your car yeah. What the spray is doing is East in East London we'll never know. Anyway how much did you say for this Martin spray? One pound and 25 pence. And how much did I say? One pound and 40 pence. It was a two pound item so nothing for either. Carrots in Nottingham tape, carrot in knots. You said 60p and I played the quids gambit there.

I am getting one between because it was 50p. Fuck! I got it exactly wrong! Here's the problem. Here's the problem. There is no price for the blankety blank board game. One, two, three, four, five. So unless that's a separate thing they've put in as a present for me. It must be. There. You've got... I've got the doughnut.

And do you know how many betweens you've got? You didn't get any petwings? No. How many did I get? I was like six. Seven. Seven! Well done. Here comes the petwings. Here comes the petwings. I would need seven petwings from you please right now. Petwing, petwing, petwing, petwing. If you're gonna do it, do it properly. I'm doing it no no no no no no no no no no I was giving you between you would want the utmost I don't I was giving good between I was they were fuck that why you were like eyes rolled up the back of your head you go I will not I will be Dominey over the quid scam but I deserve do you want me to look I'll look at your boy I will look at your look at my groin and give me petwings. Petwing,

petwing, petwing. Stop. No, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. Well, is it the flexing of my hips that you don't like? Yes it is. I do not like them. Your hips are lying. Like your mouth does. Like Ricky Martin. Shut up. I know that was a not Ricky Martin. Do you want these petwings or not? Yes. Petwing between between between between between. I'll take all seven and that was a nice. Seven betweens well done. So I would however if you are listening. Andy and Louise. Andy and Louise. And there was a price for blankety blank. Can you get in touch with us on the social media? It's like Beast Guy. This is where we are now because we're getting off Twitter X because you know cunt runs it. So if you do have a price for that please get in

touch and tell us and maybe next week we can see if maybe it turns around and you can get a petwing out of it. Now after all of that objectionable sadness on your half of the room I'm feeling pretty elated after that sterling win. Bit of a troubling start but I think you can see I snowballed into a petwing-ithen. Ah, it could have been so different. It was the quid gambit. What was your favourite item? The pencil sharpener oven. Well that's yours to take away as a complimentary...

What's the word? What's the complimentary prize? What's it called when you get a runners-up thing? Con-con-con-conta-platedry. Consolation. Consolation prize! Fucking hell, mate. Your words...

You're not good with words. And yet, Here I am winning Do words guessing the price it's just I'm a winning man. I'm a man who wins right. Let's wrap this fucker up Oh, thank you Andy and Louise. Thank you Andy and Louise. You keep saying yes I haven't seen these names written down so we could be completely wrong Ratify the shit out of that. Is it Andy and Louise? Please let it be Andy and Louise. Andy and Louise it is. And that's that. Well, you've made it through another episode of Cheap Show. Congratulations to you. We hope you join us next week.

Look, one stop shop for all Cheap Show goodies. Go to thecheapshow.co.uk and you'll find everything you need there. Just go. Just go. There's loads to explore there. Just go. And we're on YouTube doing fortnightly episodes of Cheap Shots and lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely people support us on Patreon which allows us to carry on making this mad muck every single week. So if you'd like to support

us, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you'll get all sorts of goodies, depending on how much you want to invest in this quality podcast product. And there are photos on the website. That's what he meant. It came under the all. Everything is in there. I mean, you know. Episode guides all on there. Video links. And photos of the stuff. Yeah but that's the episode guide stuff. Stop being so combative. It's what I'm saying.

Yeah but you're combative because you have to intercede what I'm saying with a version of what you would rather say on top. Interject is the word you look for. No it's not. I think it is. Look it up while I wrap this show up because I want to hear less from you. You're getting me to look something up. Look it up. I wrap this show up because I want to hear less from you. You love it, are you getting me to look something up? Yeah, look it up. I won't say anything more! Fine, I love everyone who listens.

And please don't try and give me a blowjob at the Blues Kitchen. Me? I mean I'll try not to, but it's such a wonderful pecker, I can't keep me hands off! Right, well, uh... Bye. That's it, right? Interseed. I'm interseed. I'm into fucking golf. Interseed down! Horse seed! Horsecom. Horse seed! bite that's it right to seed I'm into seed I'm into fucking goldfin seed down horse seed horse come horse seed horse horse jollop I'm into seeding

horse jollop did you say yeah horse jollop horse jollop come on let's go and then afterwards once I've downed the muck I could take my fish hy, just dab the side of my lips like so. Have we done enough now, Paul? Have we done enough? Well, some would say yes. Have we done enough? Some would say we'd take a couple hundred episodes to go. Well, you...

And yet, here we go. Peak for me was when you said, don't throw the finger at me. And yet, I enjoyed... Throw the finger. I enjoyed fish hanky quite a lot this week. Fish based things do go well with us, don't they, Paul? I tend to find, yeah. We had that whole song about fish shop, didn't we?

If we can get fish and cum and animals and the basement in, it's a sure thing. Do you have anything you want to say? The penthouse. I've got the basement and I've got the penthouse. Another winning guy. No, I'm happy with that. He likes that. I want to go out on that. I have got nothing else. Do listen to my music show on Soho Radio, the House of Pickle sound show. That's on Mixed Cloud as well if you want to hear some lovely music. And again, get in touch with

us on the email thecheapshowatgmail.com if you would like a vinyl album. Maybe online we'll do some kind of poll or whatever it is. I don't know. Poll. Poll. Poll. Poll. It's poll. It's pronounced poll. I don't know why I'm Pole. Pole. It's pole. It's pronounced pole. I don't know why I'm being such a little cunt today. You are because you have to be a little fucking little... Actually, you're an actually guy. I'm not an actually guy.

You are my reply guy. That's what you are in this podcast. I'm a lovely person on the internet. And you are and you just snorted. And I will not do an episode with a snotty man. Get off! Don't touch the blankety blank! Oh, this is over! What a horrible end!