CheapShow - Ep 412: Utterly Random

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

It’s another bag of random nonsense this week, as Paul and Eli bravely dive into a troubling world of second hand treats and terrors. As donated to us by Ash at the October live show (viewable on YouTube now!), it’s a bag with a proper mix of tat. What follows is another typically CheapShow wild ride covering the horrors of TikTok, dog treat toys, VHS based board games, advice from Timmy Mallett, unbelievably awful pun work, pyramid puzzles, and a wallet of DVDs with a grotty surprise! To make things more maddening, Eli is desperate to try out a brand new character but because Paul is poor evil, there is a very good chance this new character will be dead on arrival. If you want to know how old Paul and Eli feel these days, this episode will give you a very clear answer to that question! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-412-utterly-random And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, thank you for coming. Hello. I don't know if they told you at the door, I am Inspector Cal on May. Inspector Cal on May? That is my name and you? Not Inspector Come on Me. Inspector Cal on May, I'm from the... I'll come on you.

I do not like the way that my accent is morphing and that the way that you are bringing up the spunky spunk so early in the cold open. I'm going to avoid this. I'll come on you. I'll inspect my come on you. What? Go on, do your character like you said. I'm clicking my fingers. You're clicking all your fucking lines. You're staying in. Go on, carry on with your character. Alright, well can you be- Back poor. I've got a great wizard new character for the show. Alright, go on then. Can you please be serious about playing your role in this thing?

Well you haven't told me anything. You don't need to tell me how to react. I thought you were meant to have liquid intelligence mate, you were meant to see we're in a police interrogation situation. Yeah but your crystalline intelligence is locking you into the ideas I'm throwing at you. You can't move or adapt. What, to adapt to it being about spanking on me? Exactly, thank you very much.

Just try to be serious for one second, okay? All right. You've been brought in, it's been a murder in the town near to the sea. I could have dealt with all of this before we got going. All right, well now you know. Right, so we're doing like a murder mystery plot, a Midsomer Murders Bergeracchi thing. You've been called into the makeshift police office, which is in fact in the bar because it's such a small village. Right, okay. police office which is in fact in the bar because it's such a small village right okay okay in France somewhere like that alright some parochial town in Europe okay send the next one in please Sean Jack get in there you pig dog okay Sean Jack hold it down in London town okay hello sit down

okay Jack please I give you the value of my heart! Can I just say I'm glad my French neighbour downstairs is out today? OK, so you are... Hello, did you get my name? I'm Inspector... Come on me, yeah. Jacques Calomé. Calomé? Jacques? Jacques, come on me! You couldn't think of any other name! I cannot... You couldn't have... You're sure feeding the fire of my crap

monsieur this very serious moment there has been a murder in the village oh yeah don't hear about that it wasn't me though I was anywhere in the town you have to go through the procedure Ted tell me your name is Kato about to come in and you're gonna have a wicked little funny fight around me the name or else I will get Jack in here and he will I can't wait to get my hand on him! And he will, he'll get, he'll go to work on your... I'll get to work, I spit in his dickhole! I'm out of here.

Bye everyone, that was this week's Goal Open. Inspector Calumet. Cheap Show time! It's the voice of shy! Welcome to Cheap Show. It's Cheap Show time, it's Cheap Show time, the time of the week it's Cheap Show time, you can get a penny, you can spend the dime, but it's going to have some fun on the cheap show time. Oof.

Oof, yes, it's cheap show. That's a comedy, comedy, comedy pod that's been going for nine years and won't stop until the party ends and the party's not going to end. Does he like it? Paul, I don't know, you've gone mad. It's your turn to go mad at the beginning of the episode. Paul, I've just noticed something. Do you think people are using the word oof the way that they were like a year or two ago were using the word yikes? Did people use the word yikes? Or ironically? Yikes when someone says, I can get away with

it's like if I trap a trap my finger door or whatever. You see someone give a really bad take, you might go, Ooh, you wouldn't mind you, you know what I mean? And that's what yikes was like. Yeah, but yikes is too... Politically coded? No, laboured. It's too laboured to say yikes.

It feels effective to say a word you wouldn't normally say where oof is a bit more... Maybe oof feels more natural. Things are falling down. Oof. Oh, come on. Oh, is that dog treats? Shut up. Now. It's the plot of this week's episode. Paul, that was just... And you are spoiling it with your nosy, nosy antics. Maybe I'll get my inspector in.

No, don't. Look, we'd have to build this... I am Inspector Leclerc. Listen, mate, we have to do some voice work tomorrow. I don't want you hurting your voice. You've got to do a certain pirate My name is inspector fool my ass My ass my ass. Yeah, but I expect a full my ass I'm sorry to all our French listeners because I know we do have some and it's not appropriate. So I will stop I want to though cuz I miss I miss I miss, I miss, Cardinal Sin.

We can do some character work tomorrow, Paul. What's the matter? Cardinal Sin come in, he won't do nothing! Is that it? Same as the Pope? It's basically all the same voices I do. What's this podcast about? That's what I was going to ask you, what we have coming up on the show this week, Paul. Right, we have a few, well, okay. As I stated last week, because of the live show and so

many wonderful people came out, they inundated us with lovely bits of tat and all sorts of stuff to get into. Over the course of the next few weeks, we're going to spread that out. This week is another bag of tat, but there is no place of shite element. There's no theme linking these. We're just going to go through a bag. Just go through a random bag of shit and have a look at it and go, oh, oof and yikes. Paul, I think we'll, it's safe to say you want to get this shit processed through the machine of the podcast. It's very much got to go through the, uh, the, the processes of the podcast.

Yes. Because why? Because it was, you said unsightly in your hallway. Have you seen my hallway? I've seen it. You've seen the mountain of detritus. It just feels a bit like, it feels a bit industrial, doesn't it, this? Yeah.

It's like we have to process all the stuff in your... We are cheap, Bart. No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That was so bereft of invention. You called yourself a liquid intelligenteer. Yeah, but you did Inspector Come On Me or whatever his name is. It was called Camomay and it's a normal name.

And I inspected foot by ass! That's just fucking Jimmy. What's he called? What? What was that character called you did for years? We've never done characters on this podcast and I don't know what you mean. They're living, breathing human creatures that just happened. What's he called? Jimmy Can't Biscuits. That's it. Fuck me. It's not been that long ago since we had them. I forgot him. I'm trying to... Anyway, hello everyone. I'm Eli Silverman.

That's him. We look up cheap stuff on the podcast. You're being quite formless. I have to take the reins. I'm being very liquid crystalline. Let's drop that whole liquid crystalline distinction. You brought it up this week. Just saying. I bring up liquid. Yeah, yeah, in there, in there. Spunky, spunky, woo. Right, and you're calling me bereft of anything.

Bereft, oh. I am bereft. All right, so yes, we've got a bag. And I'll tell you what, let's just go into it because we've got a nice little aperitif before the bag gets going. Let's not make all this mouth nonsense noise and let's just say like this, simple. I'll just do it again, simpler. Yeah.

Have you got the bag? I have a bag. Get the stuff out the bag and we'll look at that. OK. Sound effect. Great. Also, nice feedback on the album for 450. We're going to get work on that. Oh, I was going to ask you about that.

It might be because I spoke to Noiseland about this. I don't know what the details are yet, so it is all very formulas and nebulous right now, but effectively we can set up a crowdfunding kind of thing via this record company and then once we hit a certain amount they'll make the whole lot and then any extra on top. Like Unbound? Basically, yeah. And so and then everyone gets the LP who buys the LP basically. Yes, basically. Okay, that's a good idea. I did have one idea, Paul. Yes. We've done several rap things over the years, including Teen Yetis raps, yeah? Yeah. Couldn't we have one track that sort of perhaps we get...

I've spoken to Noiz on the bounce sampling stuff from Teen Yetis past and stuff like that. The problem is the raw audio is long probably since gone. I would have to go through my big... We could take it, download it off the episodes that they appear in. Yeah, but they're all mixed with the music and stuff like that, so it's hard for him to use the raw vocal stuff too. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Well, if you should try. We're still in early talks about all that stuff. Cause I've said, I do want elements of the past in, not just the recent 100.

Those rap bits that we've done, you could have one kind of mega rap track, which kind of fits a load of them in. I might have them on my hard drive somewhere. I've just got to find them. Okay. Including right from the beginning, when you did the, he's a Silverman song and there was rap, we did a rap battle really early on didn't we? Yeah, that was it, that was with Eggsy from Gold Lutton Chain. That's right, yeah. See, you see what I mean?

You could do something where you put that all sort of with a mega mix sort of beat underneath it all. See what I mean? Basically, no ideas off the table yet, we just got to figure out. It just occurred to me. No, I would like that. Yeah. Because I've said I also wanted Chris Weatherill's music from the Eurovision. Absolutely. I think both those tracks need to be on. And you know, the guy, I've forgotten the guy who did the

songs, you know, the Mayor requests and the other one. Lee. Nostalgia is going to get you. Lee. Sorry Lee, if we've forgotten your name and this isn't Lee we're talking to. It is Lee, but I can't remember. But I also said he wants to do a track box track and I've said I want to do a Winky. Noiseland wants to make a track box track. Yeah, and I've said I want a Winky Bass track on top of the ones that I've already released. So it's all up in the air. It's exciting. It is. It's very exciting.

And we'll do some verbal vocal stuff between the tracks. Vinyl only. Yeah. Skits. Yeah. Thanks for the feedback everyone on that. Yeah, thank you for that. So we're going to get that.

It might not be something you hear about until the next year now once we know what we're doing and we can launch something officially. Well, we've been trying to get this together and god knows. It's on our bucket list of things Cheap Show wants to do before it dies, you know what I mean? Paul, moving on, I see someone has sent us some pin badges. Yes. Please give me pin badges now.

Well we'll do this and then we'll get into the proper segment. So, what are you doing? I'm back grabbing, I want to show you badges off my jacket. Oh, I like these. Yeah, I got new boom arms because the other ones are too twangy. They're very sweet on the pullback. They're very sweet. Yeah. Swivel. I just sort of gestured. They're very smooth. Bought on a Black Friday sale, so cheap.

They've got a nice action. Yeah. Why did I call you Joe? Let's think of Joe Rogan. Not your got a nice action Joe. Yeah. Why did I call you Joe? Let's think of Joe Rogan. We're not getting... You weren't thinking of Joe Rogan. Right, I tell you what. Let's just get into the letter. Right, the letter. The opening gambit.

Dear Cheap Show lads, congratulations on 400 episodes plus. This is from Ash, who sent us some things in the past. Lots of things. Thank you very much Ash. Mush, mush, mush. Mush Ash, mush Ash. I have in the past. Lots of things. Thank you very much Ash. Mush, mush, mush. I have another delightful assortment of tat for you today.

Mush Ash. Here's the odd thing. Please make sure you fully inspect the disc case. I swear to you this is exactly how it was sold to me. Keep up the great work, Ash. There's more things than just the pin badges from Ash. There's a whole bag from Ash. Well he must be referring to another thing.

Yes, he is, which we'll get to later, I suppose. Have you seen it? I have. I know where we're going with this. It's something with- It's going to be problematic. Is it Dick stuff again? Let's find out later in the show. Okay, fine. Ash, thank you very much for sending stuff. However, on the letter that he's written, he's attached five pin badges. Eli can have any of these five. Right, because you've...

No, just because, you know, I always go on about first dibs. So why don't I just give you first dibs for a change? Oh, I like the Premier League. Yeah, there's a Premier League badge there from 89. Pickle... Pickle Policeman? Yeah. Or a Gherkin Policeman or a Courgette Policeman.

Of course you're having that one. I like Rupert as well. Yeah, there's a Rupert Multiskelosis charity badge. Is that Multiskelosis? I thought it was like Rupert as well. Yeah, there's a Rupert, a multi-sclerosis charity badge. Oh, is that multiple sclerosis? I thought it was like Rupert and he's trying to say he's a mod because it says M.D. like he's a mod or something. No, I don't think that's the intention there. Was Rupert, but here's a question for you.

What? Was Rupert the bearer of mod? He might have been. He's quite a natty dresser with his check. I did see him. He had checked trousers and he had a good rain like a line in scarves. And later on he did get into the skinhead movement. He had that going for him. No the good skinhead movement not the naughty one. I know but it's still a little bit like a mod joke. This is England

with Rupert the Bear. Right I'll have Rupert though is what comes up in this. I'm having Rupert. You're having the policeman. The Pickle Policeman that goes without saying. Pickle Policeman. And there was one other one. I like the Premiership for some reason. I have that then. I don't mind. It's got a sort of that's quite nice design. It's like a shield, isn't it? It's a shield with a blue lion atop the shield.

And it's for a particular team as well. Oh is it? Yeah, I can't remember because it was small writing. Very small writing on it, but I think it was like Sunderland or something. Oh my god, yeah. No, we're not going to get into the minutiae of it right now. Let me just quickly do it on my phone. Because I found out that someone sent us some badges a while ago. This is terrible of me now.

They were Universal Studios Japan badges. They're on my board over there, Jurassic Park and Back to the Future. On eBay, they're both going for $90 right now. $90? $90 right now. $90? $90 right now. I was saying to my partner, did I say this last week? That board of PIM badges is probably valued at about at least, at least 600 quid. Yeah.

But the thing is, it's valued at that, but actually selling each badge for the price that it's worth. Well, there's the rub. That's work. And to me, the value. And that work is worth money. Yeah. So it's, do you know what I mean? And to me, the value is what I see when I stare up at it when I'm working. I love it. It's the emotional value it gives me. There's something very pleasing about my pin badge board. Coventry City.

Coventry City, okay. Wow. You can't see that at all. No, it's very, it's a soft, no, it's a hard enamel badge, that one. I will take that and that'll go on my board. So quickly tell me about your new pin badges on your jacket. Oh, I just like the theme I've gone with here. that will go on my board. So quickly tell me about your new pin badges on your jacket. Oh, I just like the theme I've gone with here. Yeah, go on. This is the one side of the lapel all the way down. Georgia Peach. Nice.

Ouija board. That's from a Loot Crate. Yeah, that's a nice one. It's a nice one, isn't it? I mean, I've got a... I don't often like their badges. I've got a planchette one up there, Ghostbusters, which has the same clear... You've got Ghostbusters planchette, that's...

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of cool. That's one of those mad balls ones. My famous Oculus Orbis' name is. Nice skull. I like this little sculpted one. I like the little skull. We've got to take a picture of that by the way. This is. Oh, that came in a package a while ago, that one.

So I love this. There's a special word for this when they're behind a little sort of lens of plastic. It's a catchall. That is a hard enamel pin. Oh really? Soft enamel is the one where you've got the dimples to it, but hard enamel is when it's covered like a seal on top. Anyway, this is like an authentic 70s one and has a very hauntological folk horror vibe to it. It does.

Scarf-ic kind of vibe to it. And it says it's a little picture of Ghost Tower, Warwick Castle, little turret thing in gold. Then they've got Satan. Yeah. That is a pentagram, but with the corners are parts of they've got Satan. Yeah. That is a pentangle pentagram but with the corners are parts of a goat's head. Nice. Skiing one. I love some. Yeah, got skiing Snoopy. Helicopter one. Nice. I haven't seen that one have I before, the helicopter. No,

I got that somewhere else. Right. Skull and Crossbones. That's from the original mind. Yes. But when they used to have their little pot of badges. That's lovely vintage. This is a little change of pace here. Hello Kitty. And a little hurling, holding a little heart. Yeah. Below which is the ghoul. The ghoul pin badge.

Universal Monsters ghoul. Yeah. Then we have your design for it. Yeah, well, my design, Tony's actual illustration. Yeah. Which is the Spect, what's it called? It's a Spirit Squad logo from when I was a kid. Mecha Godzilla.

That's a nice pin, I like that. Yeah. It's monochrome with red writing. And there's a Mexican wrestler. And a cat? What is that? That is a little pot of tea. It's a little teapot. Lovely.

What a lovely collection of badges. E.I. have to take a picture of that. So our fans... I'm sorry everyone. I know it's... So our fans can enjoy that. I got bored of that halfway through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wasn't going to mention it because everyone's going to... I want to be a nice boy. We want to take pictures of those badges. I've taken a picture of those badges, I think. I'll double check my phone. Come on, this needs livening up the next bit. It does, mate, because you've kind of dragged it down a bit, haven't you? I'm sorry.

You've muted it. One minute we're doing inspect it, come on me and have a lovely one. Calame. And then the next minute it's like, oh, here's a badge of a kitty, here's a badge of a teapot. You've got to pick it up. You've got to do this. Oh, you know what? I'm going to have a drink of water. Let's have an exciting drink moment. Right, that was our exciting drink moment on the Cheap Show podcast, where content don't matter no more! Bring some content forth!

Let's do it. So we've got a big bag of stuff that we got from Ash. I don't know where to start, so we'll start with the slightest of items. Can I ask something? Yes. I like the fact that you put your hand up for a change, which is nice, as opposed to just barging in with your fucking sentences. Alright. Which prove two things. One, you don't listen to me, and two, you think you're more important than me and your thoughts have more weight. I do not think my thoughts have any weight.

That's the subtext I'm getting from our ongoing conversations. Paul, oh is it grumpy Paul kind of turn up now? Silly Paul's gone. Grumpy Paul's in now for a little bit. One question. Are all of these items from Ash everything you're going to cover today? Yes, but I don't know. Ash has sent us a massive load of stuff. Yes, we've got a lot of stuff to get through. Well, not a lot of stuff, but a chunk.

Some things are worth talking about more than others. So this is the slightest item we're starting with so we can get it. The slightest item begins thus, and I'm going to let Eli investigate it, because I've seen all these, by the the way obviously. Dog treat selfie clip. Yeah. Dog treat selfie clip. So this is something you put a treat out and the dog comes out and you take a photo of it. I think the idea is it's a little rubber attachment that holds your phone and then you put a treat on the other end of that attachment and so when the dog comes in to eat it or bite it or pick it up the phone's attached and so you see the dog from a stupid point of view.

Yeah that's what I mean it's to take a picture of the dog coming for the treat. Yeah. Like that bleh. With his mouth open bleh. Like that bleh. And then you show it to all your friends on Facebook and go look at my fucking stupid dog's face. People literally make living doing things with their cats.

I saw a video, an advert on YouTube for something for wix.com and it was this woman going basically you know I use wix.com to build my business and blah blah blah but she goes and I just built my business with the two things that I know best, dancing and dogs and then the videos of her like dancing with dogs and I'm like how has that been successful? We've been doing this fucking podcast for nearly a decade and we haven't we haven't shot the growth of a dancing dog website! How fucking depressing is that? Because we're artists, Paul.

We care. I guess so. We care about. And we use Wix.com for our website, by the way. Do we? Yeah! We don't get them coming to us and saying, why don't you talk about your fucking Mookie podcast

for an advert? It's an advert. Oh no, we'll go to this woman who's got a fucking range of dogs that all dance on their back legs. It's grift, man. It's a hot, no there's no. How does that get traction? It gets traction for as long as it does and then it doesn't and the platforms that she uses gouge her, gouge the value. Is the animal cruelty board investigating what she does? How many dogs does she get through per year? Did you see about that? I can't dance today! Did you see about that TikTok, like the boy group and it's like this woman who's the matriarch,

the mother, she's like come on dancing, they're up at five in the morning live streaming, they're dancing, you know what I mean? It's proper exploitation going on on these platforms. That's because we've turned art into content. But this is how far it's got. That woman with the dogs is kind of exploiting herself. Yes, and their dogs. They don't want to be dressed up like fucking Olivia Newton-John in Let's Get Physical video.

It's all gone too far, hasn't it? It goes back to that guy who used to put dogs in adult jumpers and make it look like the adult bodies with a dog's head. As long as there's been media, we've been exploiting animals for entertainment. Yeah, we've been exploiting animals for entertainment. I mean fucking Edison used to put an elephant on an electric plate. That guy Barnum had whales in tanks in New York in the basement of his place. Yeah and then they died when that building caught

fire. Anyway. Anyway it's all I'm saying is. Fuck this fucking piece of crap Ash that's all I'm saying. Dog treat selfie clip. What does it say on the back? The whole thing just feels like an AI has just generated some words for SEO enhancement. Do you know what I mean? God. Dog shirt. Use the bottom grip to secure the top of your phone then place your pet's favourite treat in the flower grip. For the perfect angle, adjust the flexible necks into position and watch your pet pose. The clips can be perfect for pet portraits or a cute pet selfie.

Remove the treat from the clip and feed your pet once you've had the perfect selfie. Fuck that. It's completely pointless. You could do everything that does. I'm going to do everything that does just with your phone and some treats and a dog. I'm going to do it with me phone. What are you doing? You don't put it in your dog's mouth. You do! You put the treat in the flower bit there. My god he's put it in his mouth everyone. He's trying to clip his mouth. Oh my god. I'm not putting my mouth on that now. I can't, it's shit as well. Look it's shit.

I don't think you're doing it right man. You're meant to put a treat there. Get that thing out of your mouth. You don't know where that's been. You'll never recover if you keep putting weird stuff in your mouth. I said I took that picture. Oh, that's horrific. I took a picture of my eyes. Oh, that's nasty. It's like into my soul.

Oh my God, Paul. That is not a good picture of your eye, man. Stop, please. Don't show me that. I'm going to put it on the website, obviously. picture of your eye man. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yes it is. It's a stupid toy for idiots. I hope things get better. Let's find out with item number two. I hope it lives up to its, uh, that build up from Paul. This is another shit one. It's a book like an annual style hardback of some side. Some side? Some side-er? Are you looking inside-er? Or some type. Some type of annual.

And it's published by Games Warrior. Tips and tricks for becoming a TikToker. Oh god. Some type of value. Some type. And it's published by Games Warrior. Tips and tricks for becoming a TikToker. Oh God. Here's the thing. Oh God. It's like let's appeal to the digital generation with an analogue format. Weird. It's like hey kids, buy this paper book to learn about Tik Tok.

It's the ultimate guide to Tik Tok 2023 edition. So information could already be wrong. I think this exists for mothers and other relatives and fathers to buy for their kids. I don't know what to fucking get little Samantha. They used to be into like comics or something on TV or something and now it's just TikTok. It's a book full of people I don't know who are massively successful and famous. These are big TikTokers. I do not recognise a single one of these people. This is where we show our age, innit? I don't recognise a single one of them. But I bet you they make millions and have a huge following and I just don't know who they are. This looks like a K-pop group here. Probably are, to be fair. Could be the

same fucking one you were talking about just a minute ago. That early in the morning TikTok family thing. Oh my god, no, but they are definitely being exploited. Yeah. And you heard about the guy to go around Costco, there's father and son. No. And they go, he goes, Ooh, that's a great cheeseburger. He goes, whatever. Yeah. And he gets his son to go, Ooh, they taste all the hot dogs and pizzas. They sell in Costco's. Right.

And they go, they've got these stupid catchphrases and they release some video of making these videos for TikTok. And the father was like, do it again. No, that wasn't right. Do it again. Don't talk like that. Do it, you know, like Jesus. Like hardcore. But this is the problem with TikTok.

There's no fun in it. No. It's a fucking business. This is what I mean. That's not, TikTok takes all the joy out of content because for every great educational thing or a science video or a DIY thing, there's people being forced to churn out videos every other hour just to build an audience.

And it's like, it's nothing. You're filling the internet void of absolute nothing. We've turned the cameras away from the world to look at what's out there and on ourselves because we believe now we're the most important commodity. It's that selfish nature that we've all been bred to live in. Yes, this is really disturbing. What? What does it say?

So I've opened randomly, it says the best of the rest. So these are more TikTokers and it has these little breakdowns of big TikTokers. Yeah. But it's like, here we go. Jojo Silver, 41 million followers. Then it says TikTok style, lifestyle and dance. And then here this guy, Noah Beck, TikTok style,

lip sync and lifestyle. Lip stink, lip stink. I had a bit of that when I fucking took your copy. TikTok style, dance and comedy. So it's like, they're not comedians or dancers or actors who are on any format. It's like you're only in this sort of hermetically sealed platform. Yes. Do you see what I mean?

That is massively successful within... It's so weird and disturbing though, that you couldn't be on a larger... It's the whole stage, the whole media is bounded by this one app. But also, people say to me... Yeah, people say to me, you should do TikTok and that will help you grow. And it's like, you know, I'd love to if it wasn't for the fact that the workload needed to be successful on TikTok would actually be more than I would need to make this podcast every week.

And then your content becomes... Just film your podcast and put that up. I don't want to film anything and then edit that and put it up. I'm sorry. I'm morally against it. Most viewers for a live TikTok performance with 5.5 million views and counting, Ed Sheeran's live concert at Portman Road officially broke records in 2021. See, he's big on TikTok, but he's a musician. Which is fine.

It's this weird, my, what's your TikTok style? It's like the fact that you're a big TikTokker is more important than the kind of artist you are, whether you're an actor, a singer, dancer, you know? It's just all these people. There's like dance phenomenon, the jiggle jiggle, the begging, artist you are, whether you're an actor, a singer, dancer, you know? It's just all these people. It's so weird. There's like dance phenomenons, the jiggle jiggle, the begging, where you do this, you reach out like the... I've never heard of that one.

Like Tom Baker's Doctor Who. Again, I don't want to sound like a sort of commercially cut. Well, we are. Let's be honest though. I like dance. I like song. I like comedy. I just feel that the algorithmic needs of being a TikToker completely compromise the artistic quality of what you do. Don't you agree? Yes. Oh, absolutely. When you're churning out stuff to keep to a schedule, then what are you actually putting out there of any worth?

There's never going to be a TikToker. I know like we do weekly podcasts and people would argue, yeah, well, weekly, your quality is like this. It's like, yeah, but it's once a week. I'm not doing eight videos a day every day. You're just generating content. There's no thought to making. You just want to try to make it consistent. You're not trying to make it good or outstanding. It will change someone's mind or, you know, move someone.

Or what's your TikTok destiny? Answer the questions to see where your TikTok journey takes you. Right, Eli. Let's take your TikTok journey. How long do you spend deciding what to wear in your video? Is it A, a little bit? It's more about comfort than style. B. No time at all. The video content is stylish enough.

Or C. Ages. Has to be perfect. Ages. It has to be perfect. Thoughts much? I've got histrionic personality disorder. Show off. Yeah, exactly. Who's your favourite TikToker? There was that little in-joke there.

Was it? That's very funny. Thank you. Who's your favourite TikToker? Is it the Williams fam, Brent Riviera or Kylie Jenner? Kylie Jenner I've heard of. She's a sass Kardashians, I've heard of that person. Please, can you please, it's making me unwell. What's the definition of a perfect Tik Tok? Is it A, great music and sick moves? Is it B, something that makes you smile? Or

C, someone who inspires you? I just find the commodification, the ultimate commodification of performance, it's sickening. What would your friend say is your best quality? You have lots of energy. B, you're great at cheering people up. Or C, you give great style advice. I'm gonna go ahead and say C. For me? Yeah, I think you got this weird kind of

dapper tramp thing going on. Thanks Paul. It's like you got your little Trilby hat which he's wearing as you record. It's not a Trilby. What is it? A pork pie? No, what's it called? No, it's a Desmond. I always forget the name. Desmond Fentiman hat or something. What's it called? He's the suspect in the murder, Desmond Fentiman. Fentiman. No, I've forgotten

but I'll come back to you. But yes. It's a nice hat. I'm quite stylish, but you have your own little look. I'll give you that. I have my own look. Yeah. But anyway, that's the first two items. No, but I just need you to agree with how horrific TikTok is. Yes. But one last point I wanted to make. Yeah. Okay. When I was growing up, like artists, singers, musicians, they were sort of, they were kind of counter-cultural. They were like, you know, anti-corporate. Yes. And it's to a certain extent. But it's like the TikTok is the corporation is there completely within it. They're completely, there's no...

We're all appealing to the advertiser now. Completely. We want to see whatever makes their... It's like YouTube. It's like you can say anything on YouTube. Well, if you want to make money, you can't. Yes. Because the only way you can get traction is if you make the advertisers happy to advertise on your platform.

At least you can put something creative just for the fuck of it on YouTube and get people to see it. You see what I mean? It's not the tick. It's not they try and do it with shorts. Yeah. Which is obviously them trying to be TikTok. But you can still put like a half hour short film you've made. Yeah.

If you wanted to. That's the difference with YouTube. Yeah. It's the TikTok. It's so stifling and sort of controlling and completely It's why cheap show will be doing cheap shots on cheap on YouTube, which are fortnightly The next one's out this week or has been out this week by the time this goes out. What's on it? I don't know what you pick whatever you want. We can either do the playing cards one the Colombo one or the Doritos one first

What would you want? I'll release that this week. What was the Dory? Oh the Dory toes with a little shaky bag want? I'll release that this week. What was the Doritos? Oh, the Doritos one. With the little shaky bag thing. Let's put that out. Right, that's what will be out this week and be out by the time you listen to this on YouTube. Right, next bit. Right, let's have a look in me bag.

We'll do another two items, here we go. Here's a quick one. Are we recording again now? Yeah. Okay. Here's a quick one. Ooh, I'm into this. I thought you might be. Oh, it's broken. It's a little bit broken, unfortunately. Oh. Here's a quick one. Oh, I'm into this. I thought you

might be. Oh, it's broken. It's a little bit broken, unfortunately. Oh, that's a real shame. But this is a Cadbury's cream egg car. Yeah. Because I've got that poo bum, Inspector Bumhole. Inspector Bumhole thing car. Yeah, which is great. What's it called? I don't know. It's probably that though. It's not Inspector Bumhole. He's called... Police Detective Shitpiper. He is. He's like Party Pants Man or something. Because it is a known character in... It is a bum face, it's a bum face. Yes. It's Detective Bumface or something. Yeah something like that, lots of fun. But that's from Tomy and I've also got the car noodle which is in that same range from Tomy, the car things. Yeah the little die-cast noodle pot. Which this kind of reminds me of but it's broken so. Well it still effectively works, only the insides that don't rev anymore. It's just literally a cream egg with wheels.

Yeah. It's nice simplicity to it. Simplicity. And it's got windows at the front. I can't see how it's broken. There's just bits of silver rattling around inside it. I don't know. I don't even know what it was meant to do. That's what I mean yeah. Was it meant to rev up or was it just like the inside to give it weight? Because there's no hole where the screw, a wind-up thing would be. No, and there's no mechanical part of it. There must have been some other structure. It'd just be the inside of the car with like seats and a steering wheel probably in there. Do you know what I think?

That's what's broken I think. I think the weight of it was in there for weight, just to kind of give it a bit more heft because it is quite a lightweight plastic egg and I think the metal in there would have just given it a bit more weight. Oh yeah it was right, so there was a real cream egg cart that was made. Oh right like a mini. Right next item. My pants are sometimes referred to as the crumple zone. That's a bit depressing isn't it? What a lot of smashed metal and meat. Oh come on darling, got some lipstick, can't be crumples out of them for you. Lip stink as well, that's right. I wanted to return to lip stink.

That's my new novel, The Return to Lip Stink. Anyway, this is Timmy Mallet on how to be utterly brilliant. It's a book, yay! I like this. He's a deeply religious man. But, to be fair to him, he doesn't rub it in anyone's faces or make it like his point of view. He did do a TV programme about being Christian, didn't he?

Millard did that on his YouTube channel. But I follow him on Instagram because he does like travelogues, like cycling around the country and different parts of the UK and Ireland and Scotland. Then he just gives a little history lesson and then meets the people who run the community or whatever. Really great, like of life tourism. That's like TikTok isn't it? Yeah but it's on Instagram so we can do more with it like longer videos. Can you do longer on Instagram? Okay. So this is a book teaching you how to be absolutely brilliant. Timmy Mallett on how to be absolutely brilliant. What does his voice go? It's not that but it's like brilliant. Yeah you just go bleh. You say bleh.h. You know. You say bleh.

I say bleh. You say bleh. Mallet to mallet where you mustn't repeat yourself, hesitate, or you get a bash in the head like this, or like this, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. Say bleh. Bleh. Bleh.

Bleh. I used to want to go on Wacky Day though, cause I wanted to do mallet to mallet, and also cause I wanted to get one of those, and he puts a sticking plaster on your head. Yeah. Yeah, and I wanted to get a sticking plaster. It took me 40 years to get a fucking number 73 door badge. Oh, you've got the saloon doors one from the fourth season, man. I love

the original as well. I know. I've got both. I've got bad gen V. Yeah, you should have something very intriguing on the cover of this paperback. Yeah. It's a quite a flimsy short looking paper. I mean, it's a kind of double H Smith's at Christmas kind of giveaway in it. It's a lovely vintage publisher Piccolo with the little Satir logo. No, I sat here. You sat there. Ho ho! Don't do Tarbuck, you twat! It says, this is what really caught my eye, and I'm sure I'm going to be disappointed. Go on.

16 Attlee Sticky Stickers inside! Oh yeah, they're not in there, I don't think. Are they not? No. They were. That would be great. I want Mallet stickers. I didn't even see that as well.

So it's a book full of interesting... It's like, you know when like Millard or Red Letter Media do those videos, where it's like, how to have a cool party? And it's all like really awkward, hacky shit that no kid with any self-respect would do in public. Do you think Mr Mallet actually wrote any of this? Or do you think this ghost written by just a bunch of hacks? It is the thing. This is an era where we'll never know. He might have suggested one or two things. It's like that Noel Edmunds book. We've seen something with Kirk and Kenny Everett. Yeah, that Kenny Everett annual we had. But that Noel Edmunds book about Crinkley

Bottom, which is like, really? Did he touch that at all? I was just so disturbed by that video I saw online the other day of Noel's house party where all those celebrities and then the lobby basically humps Noel at the end. I reckon the guy in the suit was a fucking rock hard dude. Do you know that feeling you had when you slapped John Lane on the head during the improv show? I didn't turn me on. No, but you know the joy you had? It was a moment on the head during the improv show? Turn me on. No, but you know the joy you had?

That's what I'm saying. That was his. The actor's going, fuck you. I hope you die. Anyway he reads, he has written the intro to the book saying you can be brilliant. Here's some utterly brilliant jokes. Eli, what flies and wobbles? Jelly with wings. Almost. Almost? What flies and wobbles? Think about it. Come on, put your comedy... A jelly with a parachute. A jelly... You can't just say a jelly with. Is jelly in the answer?

Think of more pun. Think of more pun based uses of the word jelly. Jelly. Yeah. Punt. Punt. Jelly. Come on. We're in the writers room. Wobblecopter. I'll give you that. A jelly copter. Oh come on. I've given you it. Wobblecopter is better than jellycopter isn't it? As a thing to say. Say it. Say wobblecopter. Wobblecopter. It's great isn't it? It's got a nice bop bop sound. Wobblecopter. It's got a lovely journey in the mouth. Next, what do you give a pig with pimples? I don't want it. The beans.

The beans. Oh that's good. Oh that's good. But I'm going to try and think of what the actual answer is. Go on, have a go of it. I've given the pig the beans. I don't know why that's so funny. It is very funny. The beans. Pork and beans! That's what's funny. Yeah, I think that's what it was. Anyway, the joke is what do you give a pig with pimples? Ham knee cream. That broke him!

Ham knee cream! Oh, come on, it's the oldest joke of the book. I know, it's not ham, it's the oldest joke of the book. Oh I know it's not ham it's bacon. Right what does the sound the pig make? Oh oinkment. Yeah. I love oinkment as well. Yeah oinkment's good.

I love that as a word. That's how you get lipstick mate. When you take a load of oinkments. Okay what do you call a man with a car on his head? It's the old one as well. It's like Doug if it was a shovel. It's not Doug though, is it? With a shovel. It's one of those. There was a whole series of these jokes of what do you call a man with something on the head. Like a rabbit up his bum. A car is... drive... steering wheel

steering wheel Dave we're steering wheel Dave today uh... no what is it? Jack oh that's terrible uh... that's... I used to know that one yeah well you got it wrong save some of those because those are gold we might come back to this book and give it some proper page turner

those are fucking gold man some good stuff in there Oinkman as the punchline to a joke is fucking great. Is that, is that, did we do two items then or just the one? We did the egg and the book didn't we? Yeah alright let's take another quick break. Okay. We're not going to be able to play this, certainly not today, but he gave me a board game. Oh, that's interesting. Ad Mad. Ad Mad, the board game where you get a VHS in it and it's full of old adverts. Oh, has it got a VHS in it? Yeah. But do you think the VHS will be available on YouTube?

I'm just going to have a look at that now while you give people an idea of what I've just given you. Now this has got its branded channel four, no and Sony. Yeah. Oh they're all ads I guess. And Tetley there. Tetley. I can see the PG Tips chimp as well. As well as some penguins. I have a Duracell bunny. Duracell bunnies there. What's this guy? Who's this guy? That is the Weet-o's scientist. And they it's the honey monster. Yeah just gonna name everything on the box. And they're the cars. The bread car and the blue car had a race. We're gonna fuck up the whole human race. The bread car had a knob on. I don't believe that's how it went. What about that thing? Who's that thing? What thing? Can't see it. With the tea room. What is that? I recognize that thing who's that thing what thing can't see it with the tea room? I recognize that it's like sort of the hedgehog if some of the hedgehog was crossbred with the my pet monster creature Yeah, there's penguins PG tips and which is probably so dog which probably means toilet roll dog

Which probably means toilet? Yeah, your ex dog. No, is it do you like stock your ex dog? It's do you luck which is the dog I fuck? Durex dog, isn't it? You get lip stink. You spread your lip stink around it. What's the dog with toilet roll? What's the dog with... The Andrex puppy. Andrex? No, yeah, not Dulux dog. Dulux.

Dulux is the paint. Is the Dushaggy dog, yeah. The paint, yeah. Right. And Durex is the condom. Yeah, which is not advertised using dogs. Well, hmm. Why did that happen? When you need to fuck a dog. is not advertised using dogs? Well, hmm. Why do you do that for her? When you need to fuck a dog. Jorax. Ruff!

That's terrible. That's not PC stuff. All the TV ads feature... Oh, I'm going to press the wrong one. They do? Yeah, it's on there. 24. So we could theoretically play this properly one day. This is a board game. It's produced by a company I haven't seen before called Upstarts. Have you heard of that board game company? Never. Certainly to date they don't ring a bell. Now I think Channel 4 must have something to do with this because it's got a big Channel 4 there and they're not advertised, it's the Channel 4 ident thing. So it must be, do you see what I mean? Through them somehow.

I don't know because it's on the board itself, it says Channel 4 have had a hand in making this because you can see the logo on the actual side of the board. It does, it says that. Yeah. Hang on, let me just see the videos up here so let me just see if there's anything of interest. So you watch the thing and you have to answer questions about these. I guess, yeah. Which means does this have a short shelf life in terms of play? Yeah look, Radio Channel 4 logo pops up. Oh that's cool. And there's a, I don't know what. We should play play this we will but I don't know a video or something so that we'll show them See what happens they play it just playing an ad

Barclay car one is that where he's the secret agent What's he called Johnny English in the film? He was yeah, but in this he's not good I don't think so And then he ends up getting Barclay card or something better. I don't know what the rules of the game are. That's a very interesting item Ash, well done. See the VHS comes in it, it's got a little VHS tape in it. I was in fucking Soho yesterday. They're trying to sell some VHS for 140 quid. Fucking don't buy VHS, just don't.

It's not worth collecting. It was obviously a collector's thing. I know Sandling does, teach their own, and you know, B-movies, collectors can only get those films on VHS. Fair enough. You wouldn't want to play it though, would you? No, you don't want to spend £140 on something that's just worse quality than a DVD. You'd have to be a major collector to want the VHS version of that one thing.

Unless it was like, you know, 100 days of Sodom, and you wanted that on VHS or whatever. I like that item though, and I'd be excited to play it, especially as we've got it all online to go. Yeah. Can you name the product, sing the jingle or shout out the slogan with Mad Ads? The best adverts you enjoyed watching more than the programs are brought to you in a fun and exciting game for all the family. There are over a thousand funny questions about the memorable ads, blah blah blah. Players race around the board answering questions. but that isn't all there is to it when playing you desperately try to enter the inside of the board to be quizzed on the classic

ads why am I desperate well I might not be desperate about it and win buttons for your remote control handsets yeah you fill your remote control your pie yeah so I guess that's what it is it's basically ripped off trivial pursuit but using the VHS advert as an extra kind of spice. A little salt bay. A little salt bay on top. A little bit of salt. Anyway, no ordinary board game looks or lasts like it, do you know what I'm saying? A lot of games like that that came after DVD games.

Yeah, well that whole boom of VHS. A lot of people get to their own remote control. Have you know those ones? Oh yeah, but there's always been a kind of marriage between board game and video game or whatever because famously, Atmosphere was one of those big games that was a board game and a VHS at the same time. And we have that because we've been giving it years ago and I keep wanting to use it for an episode because we can play the video online, it's online. So we can theoretically play the game and have the YouTube video running in the background

and play Atmosphere as a thought. You see, this is my point, right? Yeah. Those, even though those games that were sold with VHSs, you can't use the VHSs now, no one's got anything to play it, but you can play it because it's been uploaded to YouTube, right? Yeah, if you're lucky enough. But more modern games from the last 10 years, say, that have an app. Yeah, that's when you're fucked. Then the app gets taken down, you're fucked forever. Yeah, so that's got. That's a terrible way to do it. Remember that board game I got, which was like based on Google Search, and the board game was made in cooperation with Google,

and then Google went, oh, we've given up on this now, we're pulling out the app, and now you can't play the board anymore. How is that a good way of doing things? It's not. It's that again, it's that whole just churning out of content. Just the app, and then the app doesn't work anymore. But at least with these, you get the point I'm making. Yes. You can preserve it.

There is a certain, yeah, you're right. There's a certain amount of preservation involved with that, but there isn't with the digital version. You can't with an app, could you? Item next. There's a pyramid-shaped box he's handing me. Oh, and it is an Egyptian pyramid because it has sphinxes in a not accurate history or anything.

Yeah, it doesn't really matter. It's that generic Egyptian iconography display. He's got Tutankhamun and he's up the side of this pyramid as if there's a huge tomb, as if it was a giant. That was written on the door of the pyramid as well. It was a big button and it said Tutankhamun. Oh my god, you did it. I did it.

I'm sorry if that joke sphyncs to high hell, but it does. Cleopatra coming at you. This is something which is called Quest Pyramid in French. Oh yeah, Quest Pyramid. I didn't even notice it was like that. I think it's like an escape room kind of box. Wow, it's a puzzle. You can unwrap it because that's just the cardboard flaps. It's underneath, it's like a wooden...

Where does Ash get all this stuff? A charity shop I'd imagine. Ash, next time you send stuff, a bit more information on where you got it please. It helps for context. Look at this. Oh, player's passport. So this is involved in what? It must be the manufacturers. You can get loads of presents. No, this little booklet helps you solve that pyramid. It does, right. Because I think it's like an escape room box where you've got it on open bits. It's all made with pieces of wood.

Oh no. So eight and nine. So there's different types of games you can buy. And the pyramid is Quest eight to nine. Yeah, that's just for that's a brochure for everything, isn't it? But then what do I have to do with the pyramid? It's all layered bits of MDF is that like wood that have been carved in various ways. Cheap wood, I'd imagine, yeah. Yeah, it's MDF. MDF puzzle. Oh, look, there's these arrows here. Wait, wait, wait. There's dials here.

You see this? Yeah. Halfway up one side, there's these arrows here. Wait, wait, wait. There's dials here. You see this? Yeah. Half way up one side, there's some dials and little numbered little bits that I can slide. No, we could make this a cheap shots video as I was trying to solve it as I thought. There is something in the book. Yeah, and there's a little toggle there.

Yeah. A toggle that's built into it. Basically you have to unlock it probably, don't you? Yeah. And then dismantle it. And look, it's been etched into to... it's heat etched. It's nicely made. Nice thing. It's probably cheaply made, but it doesn't feel cheaply made. It says ESC there. Does that mean escape? What are these symbols? You have to... Well, that's what we can

find out. Oh, and there's little display holes. Again, this might be a cheap shots video we do. Mr. Puzzle, I bet Mr. Puzzle's done it. I bet, like, yeah. Let me just read this out. Mr. Puzzle, do you know Mr. Puzzle is that YouTuber? And when he solves the puzzles, he sounds like he's in, like, Euro porn. Oh, actually, it says... He goes, oh, yeah! He's like that. I've solved the puzzle! I've made a sticky puzzle come out!

He goes, oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Sticky puzzle. Oh, oh! He gets like that. That's why it's good. Little dirty riddle. Yeah.

Oh, get me dirty riddle out. He is a great puzzle solving YouTuber by the way, everyone. Mr. Puzzle. The two we spoofed in episode 300 live when we did the brothers, the douche douche douche brothers. It says it will take between 60 minutes and 90 minutes to play. The difficulty is 4.5 out of 5. That's high. There's two QR codes here to help you learn about this, that and the other. Shall we try it one time on video then? Because it could take up to an hour for us to do it.

You could cut down the video. Yeah, but we could cut it down. I mean, we don't have to put the whole thing out. I would like that. Oh, there's a gift voucher with it. Yeah, that's, yeah, cool. But I don't know if this little book of puzzles, because there are all sorts of puzzles in it, whether they're related to the pyramid or whether they're just little fun things

as part of the advert. We've got the rules of the game here on another... Oh, you've got the rules. Yes, I've got the rules of the game here. Oh you've got the rules? Yes I've got the rules. Yeah this is an advert book then. Yeah that's an advert book. Okay should we put this away? Have a little look at the book.

You don't want to lose any. No I don't want to lose any of it. It has the rules. Look it has the rules in English. Yeah because it oh yeah. See? Okay stop the puzzle at the bottom, stuck. You can scan the code if you get stuck.

And then you can put it back together once you've solved it. You obviously have to set the numbers at a certain thing and... Do not prize it by force. Yeah, so... Yeah, don't prize it by force. So there you go. There's a lot of that stuff in the world these days, isn't there? Puzzlers, it's a big thing. Yeah. And it's related to the board game enthusiasts. There's a lot of that kind of hobbying going

on. Oh, don't rotate. Oh, don't mess with it though. I'm not, I'm gonna leave it as is. Because you want it to start in the virgin position. Well, providing that it has been tinkered with before we got to it. I don't think it has, because it looked very complete.

There's arrows. There's a lot going on in here. There's a lot going on. So we'll bring you the highlight to the video maybe next year when we get to this. And now for the final item, the one that Ash was warning us about. Okay, something about the cover.

Can we read that bit of the letter again, again? We'll do that after this little break. You've got the letter because you took it off me. It's right behind you. Let's see what that bit says. Read the last little bit up. Okay, okay. It's please in capital letters. Please make sure you fully inspect the disc case. Oh, I see you've got one there. Yes. CD case it is. I swear to you this is exactly how it was sold to me. So when I read that I was like, what does this mean? Because here's the thing. This is just a CD wallet, right? It's a little plastic wallet. It's a multi CD wallet in yellow, lemon, translucent, not translucent, semi-transparent. But I was just looking through it and it just looks like the sky's collection of free horror movies he got with the sun.

Oh. But, I mean, what do you think? You're saying Ash doesn't think? No, but... He said inspect it closely. Have you taken them all out? That's what I want to invite you to do now. So we'll read them out and we'll have a look.

No, no, no. Just quickly go through the ones that you can see as you turn it. Don't look too hard just yet. Just flip them over. What have we got? We've got Hellraiser, the Sun Horror Classics. You know? The Wicker Man? Yeah, fine. Horror Classics from the

Sun Evil Dead this is cool. It's a little wallet of CDs. I want these. Scanners. Great Cronenberg Horror. Hellbound Hellraiser 2. Fine sequel to Hellraiser. Is it really? Yeah it's fine. I like it. Stephen King's Children of the Corn. You know. Flowers in the Attic. All the kind of stuff you expect to be given away.! Yeah, all given away free with a newspaper. Dawn of the Dead. So I was just like, okay, he collects horror films, he likes his horror films. And there's some blanks at the back. Yeah, the blanks is when I started getting worried because then it's like, well what are on the blanks? And then I noticed that the thickness of the sleeves is a little thicker than the readout. It feels like there's other

DVDs in there. So why don't you have a little look about what he's hiding underneath his horror selection. He's hiding an extra DVD in each page so to speak. Usually he puts one on one side but there are two I noticed. He managed to slip an extra one in. I wonder what they are. Is it porn? I don't know. Extreme Teens, Pumpkin Media, Britain's most extreme teens. There's full penetration on the cover of this DVD going on. Basically, this was sold in the charity shop. Oh, was it really? You're bringing out the rest of the porn? Yeah, let's just read these out as they go.

Britain's most extreme teens from pumpkin media. I don't know what that means, extreme teens, but that sounds horrible off the back. This is Escort DVD with... Performers purporting to be teenagers. With a DVD called Give Them Enough Grope? Let's see. Can you explain what's on the back of that? Oh, it's one young lady bestrides another young lady facing the camera, but one of them's

got their bum towards the camera and is looking over her shoulder, if you see what I mean. Yes. Anyway, I don't want to be describing porn covers here. But that's what we're doing for this segment so just get used to that. The next one is called grandad2.com presents young girls eat old cum. It's just a lady who's licking her fingers. Yeah she's obviously had a lovely time. Next, oh this is by... Give them enough grope. To hang themselves, give them enough rope. It's like... To auto-fixiate themselves. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Caridine yourself away. I got caridined away with myself last night. I knew he was going to pick up that thread. This one's called Deep Inside Tight Teen Holes. The next one is a Brazzers one. So Brazzers is a reputable band of pornography.

And this one's called simply and almost innocently at this point, Doctor's Adventures, volume 17. I want to know what they're a Doctor of, because... Oh, there's a 2 behind this one! What are you going to do with these? I don't know. This is from a company, oh, they hide it, it's just called Big, too big for 18 plus teens, 4 and 6. What's too big? I don't understand. I don't know. What could, too big for 18 plus teens for what's too big. I don't understand. I don't know what could be too big for a 18 plus teen. Why is it so specific about what kind of teen they are? I know. Well, it's because what they're saying is this is legal, even though we want you to enjoy yourself hoping they're not. Isn't it? That's what they're basically saying.

I don't know. Yeah. It's DVDs for the price of one on that one. All very... Next is... Oh, Pumpkin Media's back again. Oh, it's big cocks, I think. The cocks are too big. Nah, I'm... Well, that's quite the presumption, if you ask me. There's a cock there, and there's a young lady, and she is aghast. Aghast! Next is a...

Oh, this is another Pumpkin Media one. And this one, this is a... These are all British porn films as well. That whole thing's stuffed with porn. Gross. My sister's a slut and there's a picture of a very erect penis going into the rectal of a eager lady. They're putting anal on the cover of the DVD. You know, so you know what you're getting.

That's the most explicit so far. So far, yeah. Oh, and there's two behind this. Oh God, there's so much porn in that thing. British Office Horses 2. two behind this? Oh god there's so much porn in that thing. British office whores too. And just a lady on the front of that one in a bra and pants which is actually quite reserved considering. Oh here's another one. Eight porn DVDs. Sunset Media called Sweethearts. Quality teen porn since 1975. Wow. The best of hot lesbian 18 plus teens strengthens your jergabot. I don't know what that means. It doesn't say jergabot. I think it said something in German. It was just like maybe.

Well that's a porn company that is as old as I am. Yeah. I was born in 75. And that's the collection. How many pawns do we have? Nine, I believe. Okay, so now we have one, two, three, Okay, so now we have one, two, three, four, five blank DVDs. And the question I need to ask you now is, do we put one of these into my Blu-ray player and just see what's on it? Sure. Do you want to roll the dice? Fine. Because we don't know what's on this and we could all of a sudden find ourselves in a murder case if we don't know what's on it.

Well, at least we've got the inspector. Yeah, so shall I? Kamelay. Shall I stick the DG on? You know who his main suspect is though? Who? Desmond. You have to think about what you want to-

Desmond Fentiman. Yeah, Denton Fentiman. Not Denton Fentiman, Desmond. Desmond Fentiman, either way. I'm just gonna pick one of these at random. I don't, I mean- I don't know what's gonna happen here. Do you think it'll be porn? It's not gonna be anything personal. I'll say this, I hope it's porn because what I don't want it to be is a woman in

a basement crying asking for a mum as a blade comes into shot as the camera comes out. I think the chance of that is very low, Paul. We don't fucking know! This is a risk we're taking on this podcast. I wonder why they donated them without checking. They might have gone to prison and so a lot of their stuff was probably donated to a charity shop by a loved one. Why have you got this fantasy that this was a murderer? Because if I think it is, then it won't be. He's put the DVD into this little, nice little player he's got there.

Right, I've put it in. Okay. Okay. I'm able to play this disc. Can't play that disc, mate. You wanna try another one? Right, next. Can't play that disc.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that maybe they're just not formatted. Yeah, must be. Yeah, so, no, it's not playing that either. Well, that's an anticlimactic occurrence, but probably for the best. Oh, I just had another horrible thought, mate. What? Were these wiped before we pick them up? Because we don't know.

You've got a handful of smuck in your hand, and you don't know the sticky-fingered residue of the owner of those. No, not having it. Well, I may as well try them all, then. He's trying them all. If I had a computer with a disk drive, maybe I could test that, but I don't.

Not working, everybody. Last one. If you'd like this segment to come back. What, Paul and E like look at grumbly blank discs? No, where you just put one disc into your player after another and it never works and I sit here commentating on it because I like this as a format. It's kind of something going calming. Have you got any more? Don't put any of the grumble on. I'm not putting the grumble. I'm not gonna let you put porn on You should get rid of these. He's gonna see if the hardcore porn plays. He's looking for this favorite title This isn't the segment I had in mind poor don't there's gonna be loads of ads at the start

I want to see the Brazzers one, Dr. Adventures Oh God, this is a new low for us poor Is it though? Is it though? Yes. Oh, it's playing. It's playing's playing good hooray DVD video well we're sorted here all right come on love get your titties out doctors adventures do you think they're proper doctors that's just not even that's so unfunny oh oh there we go oh, she can't do that, he's in bed! Oh, he's looking at that!

She's sucking his willy, Eli! She can't do that, she's meant to be a doctor! Can we finish the episode, please? Yeah, do you want to finish it off? Eli wants to be left alone with this. Stop! I'll leave you to it, Eli. Bye, Eli, you enjoy your video! Give me the controller.

He's still in the room, everybody. I'm just saying, if if the NHS was like that more often we'd have less complaints about it. Oh Dear I that's right. We watched a lot of porn. It's depressed me the whole the tiktok then It's fine a little bit of form I've got a little bit of lipstick You could keep those I know they're going in the bin as soon as we're finished with this. Don't throw them in the bin, a child might find them. No, they won't. What, a child running through the bins in a wasteland happens to find pornography and then finds a player to put them on. Good luck to them. Best of British to them. That's what we say. Right, and it's very irresponsible of the person who donated it. Here's what

I think happened. A guy came home from work or whatever his mom was like I cleaned out your room Oh, mama, I took that back down to the charity shop could be Did it have me DVDs? Yeah, you're watching no more you got those blue rays. Oh, no, but Yeah, good to us here, oh fuck my horrible life Anyway, that's the list of Ash's stuff Right, that's it Ash, thank you very much for that bag of interesting items It's just very depressing to say the world

Very, very, innit You know? The thing is, if I would have watched Grumble stuff now, there's the internet, there's a world of grumble. But if you're someone who wants the... Who likes to preserve physical media, then yes. There's that, but also people, when you're online, it's less private to a certain extent, isn't it?

Someone could conceivably... Check your... Or, yeah. ...can find out that you've done it. I don't want people to know my sister's a slut. Oh no. With those DVDs, just you, the DVD player, and a knight of grief.

And a box of Kleenex or whatever. Yeah. Or, as I like to do, I put a towel over my belly. I don't want to. And I lie back a little bit on the couch. So there's a towel across my chest and belly. He's pre-laid the towel. Oh no, that's real.

That sounds real, everybody. It's what I like to call my cat chore. Oh. You know? What was your favourite item? Sworded, definitely not the porn. But I wanted to ask, Paul. What was your favourite porn film? Those signed editions of those horror films, are they going to be crappy quality?

I mean, probably not the best, no. They're probably taken from whatever was the original root source of the DVD release. Yeah. But you know, that could be quite bad. Yeah. So you don't know where you're getting it. Yeah. But for free, if you really want to get the Wiccan man on DVD, fine. I'd rather have a Blu ray of that. As it goes. Anyway, what was your favourite item? My favourite item? I think the badges. Am I? I liked those jokes from the Timmy

Mallet book. Yeah, so you're going to say the Timmy Mallet book was the best thing. Yeah. I might go with the board game because it might be worth investigating a little bit, but also I did like that pyramid thing. Oh yeah, that's nice. But the thing is I get puzzles and things and labyrinths and I love them, but I never play them. So if we do it as a video, that means I'll actually do it. Do you know what I mean? And we can just film it, set a camera up and just film it for as long as it takes and then I let together a highlight. Let's do it. Yeah, maybe that's my favourite. I did like those jokes. I like anything, the

word oinkman. I was thinking about the word oinkman the other day. I might be psychic. Yeah, I was thinking. I put my towel down over my belly to catch all my oinkmans. Yes, I was thinking. We haven't said oinkman enough in the podcast. I literally was. I had that thought yesterday. Well look, I think we've made up for it this week. And it's weird and it pops up. It did, well that was the blue rays that made me tick off.

The lip stink. Lip stick, powder and paint, lip stink. You keep not being able to say lip stink as well, you know that. Lip stick, powder and taint. Oh wait there, powder and paint, lipstick. You keep not being able to say lipstick as well, you know that. Lipstick, powder and taint. Oh wait there! Powder and taint! Lipstick, powder your taint, lipstick, powder your paint. Powder your taint love, I'm getting lipstick! Come on, put some talk down.

Right. And that's this week's episode of Cheap Show. Thank you to Ash once again for everything and we look forward to receiving more from you in the future. Don't make send us porn please. Thanks Ash. Anything you want to pimp before I say goodbye? No, apart from my radio show, the House of Pickle sound show, going strong on Soho radio

every two weeks, two till four on a Sunday. And you can catch up where? Mixcloud, just type in House of Pickle sound show. Lovely, lovely stuff. And put a date or something and it will come up there. As for us, look, if you want links to any of our social media pages, if you want to investigate the pages

that we dedicate to each episode of the podcast with pictures and videos, your one stop shop is thecheapshow.co.uk. And this podcast has only been able to go for as long as it has been going, mainly because of the support of our Patreon supporters. Love them. So, love you, thank you. And if you want to join them and get access to videos and extra podcasts and magazines and all these kind of lovely separate extra things,

go to patreon.com forward slash CheapShow and give what you can, but only if you can and if you can't, help spread the word elsewhere by reviewing us on podcast platforms and following us and all the kind of things that we like you to do. And we're on Blue Sky now, aren't we? We used to say our Twitter handles a lot. Yeah, but now we're on Blue Sky. Just look for Cheap Show, you'll find us there. And I'm on there, it's E-Loud. E-Loud. Oh, there you go. It's just Cheap Show with us. So it should be easy to find. When I say B-Sky though, it's like E-Loud, my actual, you know, not my handle, my whatever, my app. It says at B-Sky or something. And I keep thinking of B Sky B.

I was thinking the same thing today. It's like, I keep thinking like Sky television and stuff and 90s movie channels. That's what the handles are, B Sky or Blue Sky anyway. But the cheap show is now on Blue Sky. We're on there, yeah. We're stepping away from Twitter for the obvious fucking reasons.

So we will use it to post episode launches, but in terms of content and integration with followers you're not doing it. Yeah, fuck it. But you know you can't go too far without us being somewhere online, Instagram, all that kind of stuff, YouTube, every fortnight we have short videos now, enjoy those. Cheap shots. Cheap shots, yeah we've got some nice ones coming up and that's it, that's it, we'll

see you next week. We don't know what we're doing until we get there. I think we're gonna do noodle poppies. Yeah we did say that didn't we. So it's another glam themed noodle tasting show next week everybody. And I'll be doing a gland themed oodle based spearl. Why oodle based spearl? Gland themed oodle based. I like oodle. Oodle based splol. Stick with oodle. Okay good you got the laugh at the Oodle base splol! Stick with oodle. Okay good, you got the laugh at the end, press the button you fucker. Bye everyone!

Bye!