CheapShow - Ep 413: Another Noodle Pot Blitz
Episode Date: December 6, 2024Before we end 2024, Eli has been itching to do another Noodle Pot Blitz episode and now is his time to shine! He’s brought along four examples to slurp down and review and it’s quite the mixture. ...There’s a Maggi Hot Cup, A Bachelors Pasta N Sauce, An Itsu Satay Rice Noodle and a ruddy Chicken Fajita Pot Noodle to devour and only one hour to cram it all in! Will the Pot Noodle be a pleasant surprise or will the Itsu live up to its underwhelming track record? You’ll find out in this instant noodle munch off. If there is any kink in this plan, it’s the fact that maybe, just maybe, Paul is losing his mind (again) this week. He must be overcome with noodle joy or something! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-413-another-noodle-pot-blitz And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at thecheapshow@gmail.com And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Merch Shop: www.redbubble.com/people/cheapshow/shop www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ
Transcript
Discussion (0)
It's the city of crime. Death lurks in the darkness. Criminals walk the streets.
London 2024. Ooh nasty.
Only two men can defeat the darkness that lurks behind your houses at night.
Who are those men?
Who are those men?
I'm asking you, who are those men?
No, I don't know. I was asking you.
I thought you knew who the men were.
No, I don't know. I was asking you.
Why can't we get a man around here? We can't get men for taffy. I need men. who the men were. No, I don't know, I was asking you. Why can't we get a man around here?
We can't get men for tough.
I need men. I want a man.
I love men. I would've kissed a man on the lips.
In a city of crime.
What's this about?
I'm hard now.
I'm rock hard. I'm constantly rock hard.
In a city of crime.
I've got this medical thing where I can't get my dick soft ever.
It's super turgid, which is what that word means.
If anyone knows who the two men are who can solve the city of crime, ideally not erect,
we would like you to email us at thepobox.com forward slash phone number.
And if you could just put a note on your email, worst cold open of Cheap
Show ever. Just brackets, worst cold open of Cheap Show ever in the city of crime. Are
we actually going to go with this one? I think we're going with this one. I would like to
talk like this for the rest of the episode. I would also like to talk like this for the
rest of the episode. Welcome to Cheap Show, the city of crime edition. It's not the city
of crime edition though, is it? Yeah, what do you want from me? Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the city of crime edition. It's not a city of crime edition though, is it? Yeah, what do you want from me?
Hello, welcome to Cheap Show.
It's the economy comedy podcast.
No, we're not doing this.
This is the cold open.
I was adapting it for this cold open
and you interrupted me in the city of crime.
The city of crime.
In fact, crime has gone down in London.
The city of crime.
In the 70s, don't you know?
In that case, it's the city of ill repute, where sex goes up.
Sex goes up?
It's the city of sin.
Two men in the city of sin, sucking off men in the city of sin.
Why is that the sucking off men?
I don't know.
This is why, Paul, this is why.
This is why we have to think of a cold opening in advance. Erm...
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Oh everyone, hello!
Ooo for the yikes, ladies and gentlemen.
Ooo for the yikes.
Welcome to Cheap Show.
Press the fucking credits.
Off-run, random, off-run, random.
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul,
Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, I hate you.
I got fucking you as a posse. I hate you.
It's the voice of shame.
Welcome to Cheap Show.
So if you're a first time listener to Cheap Show and that was the first thing you heard,
sorry.
I apologize as well.
I'm Eli Silverman.
That's Paul Gannon.
Yes, hello.
That is my name.
And we both present this podcast, which is called Cheap Show, which is an economy focused,
well, not economy focused, well not economy focused
but you know austerity, cheap, ah fuck it.
You were doing so well Paul.
Fuck this.
May I?
May I try?
Father may I?
Yes you may.
Mayo.
Simon Mayo.
Father Mayo.
Imagine Simon Mayo became a priest.
He'd be Father Mayo.
Which sounds like an alternative Christmas saint.
Aye, Father Mayo.
Oh, have you left the Mayo out?
Oh, Saint Mayo. Patron Saint of Mayonnaise.
Oh, there should be one.
Yeah, Saint Mayonnaise.
Hellman.
Saint Hellman's. The Patron Saint of Mayo. What's this fucking podcast about Eli?
I thought you were going to do that.
You do it, go on, you do it. We are a economy comedy podcast and we find the treasure amongst the trash.
Charity shops, jumbo sales, bazaars, pound stores, pound lands, other pound based things,
Moomin land, which is a shop round here.
Bing bong.
I don't know why I said bing bong.
Bing bong worked there. Yeah, I don't know why I said bing bong. Bing bong work there.
I don't know why I said it though. We find the fun in the frugal. Yes. Every week we
attempt to find some things to talk about, play with, investigate or eat that you can
do on an affordable budget. An extremely affordable budget. And that's what this podcast is. And
if you like what you do, what we do, what you do is up to you. If you like what you do, that's fine. Let's hope people do like what
they do because it's a horrible life to not like what go through life not liking what
you do. Unless what you like doing is murdering people. Don't do that. Don't do that. You
shouldn't like that. Ideally. You shouldn't like that. Anyway, well, that's the podcast.
Hope you enjoy it. And if you do enjoy it, why not spread the word, review us on platforms, all that kind of shit, subscribe.
I'm sorry, it's just the cold open still. I don't know what's going on with you this week.
This is the now post intro theme segment of the show where we lay up the land.
We lay up the lay of the land out. Put the lay of the land out.
Let's lay out the lay of the land out right now, Paul. Let's lay down, Martin Landau's lay of the land out. Let's lay out the lay of the land out right now Paul. Let's lay down
Martin Landau's lay out the lay down late. Layton lay down Martin Landau's layton lay down late.
Lacrimose. I am lactose intolerant. You are you? Yeah. You shouldn't drink milk all the time.
No I am. Do you believe anything I say? I'm not lactose intolerant. I lied. You're fish intolerant.
I am fish intolerant. And that's why Paul I've made sure that all of the things we're tasting today, none
are fish or seafood flavoured.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's what we're doing this week.
That's right.
Right, so look, one of the things we do on our podcast is we find that one of the things
that people do on a budget is maybe eat cheaper food and one of those cheaper foods that always
come to our attention is the instant noodle branded food.
In fact, you could say worldwide the instant noodle is an emblem of cheaper food stuffs.
Yes.
You know even in the UK focused vision of this story the pot noodle was a student staple.
It was.
Was it not?
And it was to do with the budget.
If we fly over to America, flying, right and I land and I look at the students there, why?
They would have their instant noodles or maybe a noodle from the local Chinese takeaway. Noodles are always
the lifeblood, even in Ghostbusters. Remember? They were eating the noodles and they go,
oh, this is the last of the money has been spent on these noodles. They're eating noodles.
Noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle.
But that's takeaway and it's very different from the instant variety.
I'm just saying it's often a food you can buy on a budget.
Absolutely, absolutely right Paul.
Thank you Eli.
And to this day, yes, Chinese restaurants in London represent good value, even more so,
because you know what's happening with fast food?
What?
Paul, in this world of ours?
What?
It's going very expensive, burgers and fries, all of those.
McDonald's has been told they're expensive.
You can't go out at McDonald's spending at least 10, 15 quid and fries. Oh yeah. All of those. McDonald's has been told they're expensive.
You can't go out in McDonald's spending at least 10, 15 quid. And the quality hasn't
got better.
No.
This is a phenomenon. So it means a lot of people, when they are turning away from those
traditional fast foods, are going more for the casual.
Yes.
Like the Wagamamas and Pizza Express and all of these, you know, the casual dining.
Yeah.
Because you're paying a similar amount for the food, the food's slightly better quality and it gets served to you by a person, do
you see what I mean? So if you're going to be spending exactly the same...
Why not spend on something like that? You've almost kind of ruined your own market.
Yeah, it really is terrible. I was watching a video about it, McDonald's in the US, they're
fucked themselves and that's why they're declining. I think McDonald's in Britain does better.
It does apparently and the food's of a better quality as well.
I think I've said this before but I remember when I lived in the States in the late 90s,
early 2000s, every Wednesday at certain McDonald's in California or certainly in LA where I was,
it was like 20 cents burger day.
But you can't order more than 20 in one go or something stupid.
People would still do and go, I'll have 20 fucking burgers please. Yes, alright, it's cheap fast food
but then when you reduce it that much…
They don't do that these days though, that's the opposite.
No, they don't do that.
But that's better. At least it's crap but it is incredibly cheap. Do you see what I
mean? Now it's like, it's not even that cheap.
No, it's crap and cheap.
So what's the point of it?
So what we're doing this week is we're covering the noodle, the instant noodle and the Eli.
We're doing what we call a noodle pot blitz.
Isn't that right? Yes.
Because I was going to say, tell them the format, then we'll take a break
and then we'll introduce the brand.
Then we'll take a break and then we'll do two and then we'll take a break
and then we'll do another two.
Then we'll take a break and then we'll do a wrap up and then we'll take a break.
And then we'll do this, you know, wrap up at the end of the show.
And then we'll do it. Then then then we'll go home.
I'm down with that schedule, but can I have a break at some point?
Do you want to have a break now?
Don't press the button! Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck em all!
No, do the bit where you go, this is what Noodle Blitz format is.
I will do that, Paul.
Then we'll do the next bit.
I will.
And then we'll take a break, and then we'll do that, and then we'll take a break, and then we'll do the Noodle Blitz format is.
Oh my god.
And then we'll take a break, and then we'll do the Noodle Blitz format is.
And then we'll do a wrap, and then we'll take a break, and then we'll wrap it up, and then we'll go home.
Take a break.
I just want to mention one last thing. One last thing. Take a break. I just want to mention one last thing.
One last thing.
Womb last thing.
I want to mention womb last thing.
About burgers.
Yes.
As I mentioned to you, I did try the Wendy's, which is relatively new on this side of the pond.
Yes.
I did try their French onion.
Oh dear.
Their French onion cheeseburger.
And how was that? Did you have a...
Umami army army army army army army army army
Eight armies
Marmi's army
Umami sploogerman army
I'm presuming that means good
They had both crispy onions
Crispy onions, Christie's onions
Hello I'm Christie onions
Hello
Hello
No, don't, we haven't got one
Gillan, Christie onions, I'm dying Right I've got to kill. Gillan, ahhh! Crispy onions, ahhh! I'm dying!
Right.
I've got to kill that character off, Paul.
Which character?
Crispy onions!
Oh, have some pills.
Oh, I'm dying!
There we go, don't do that at home.
Oh, you poisoned me.
They were poison pills, like rat pellets.
But moving on.
It had crispy onions, it's a basic cheeseburger, crispy onions but also like I said, like very
reduced French onion
soup.
Oh, okay.
Like soft gravy like onions.
Oh.
And it was salty and it was umami. I'm just saying.
Well that's Eli's Burger Wendy review and please join us after the break where we're
now going to break down what the breakdown is for the...
What shall I do? But now, shall I talk about the blitz now?
No, we've done enough now on this bit to warrant a segment breaker. So we're going to do that
now. So here's the sound effect which breaks. I feel like this is the first episode we've
ever done. Now we put a little sound effect in to break it up. Therefore, lean into the
magazine format of this podcast.
Enjoy the sound effect.
Enjoy it. What one would you like? I'll let you pick. I don't often get to let you pick,
but what sound effect would you like to have right now?
I like the one that goes deep deep deep
oh that's the old-fashioned uh cash machine sound effect that one yeah but
the beep beep not that old-fashioned there's two beep beeps there's the beep
cash machine where it's like beep beep beep beep beep that's the one and then
there's the other one where it's like beepity beep beep but that's like a cash
till and there's like there's a subtle difference. So you want the one that goes beep beep beep beep.
I don't know what's going on now.
I wish I hadn't brought it up.
Do you want the one that goes beep beep beep beep beep beep?
I just want it to end.
I want your mouth noises to end for a minute.
All right, well then, here in Noodle Pot City.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Oh no!
What the fuck's going on round here?
Oh, mother!
I've got to go!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Dun da dum da dum da da da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da dum da The Noodle Pot Blitz! Eww! The Noodle Pot Blitz! The Noodle Pot Blitz!
The Noodle Pot Blitz!
It's Noodle Pot Blitz time everybody!
Yes, it's the time of the show where we talk about noodles.
Eli will now introduce the format in the verbal style so suited to this format.
We taste a bunch of noodle pots, one of which is a pot noodle, but we try not to call it pot noodle
because that is the proprietary brand name of a British noodle pot. Cup
noodle by Nition was the original of these products, and that was way back in
71. There is a lot of noodle pots on the market. Now these aren't the ones that
come in a little foil wrappers, you know, little, no, no, no, no. Those are instant ramen.
Yeah, we're talking about the ones that come in a little plastic or sometimes
cardboard cup that you can pour hot water in and then eat straight from the thing.
Blue Dragon are the most fancy ones on the market, which we don't have any of here today,
Paul.
Blue Waffle is the ones you shouldn't eat out of.
You shouldn't eat out of the Blue Waffle.
Don't put noodles in it.
They'd be maggots, not noodles.
Sometimes noodles look like maggots. No, I've got a bad...
I don't like that, Amy.
Blue Dragon actually give you a reusable sort of cooking vessel.
He's thinking about the blue waffle.
It's in my mind as well.
It's sort of superimposed on everything I'm looking at.
I'm just looking...
In my head I've got the image of like, what if someone put a hatchet in Beetlejuice's
face?
It's like, that's kind of what it would look like.
Now we've got to eat, you know? We don't have to eat blue waffles. Poodle dog blitz. Poodle
dog bites. That's Frank Zappa. What is? Poodle dog bites. Is it? Poodle dog chews or whatever.
It's all about this person who puts dog food on their vagina to get poodles to eat it.
Well at least it's poodle.
Poodles have the strongest bite of any dog.
Really?
Yeah.
That can't be true.
By what definition does it have?
It's about pressure.
I don't know.
It's the force of the jaw.
You're telling me that is worse than a Rottweiler?
Yes.
A Yorkie dog.
A Yorkie dog.
I think there are things called Yorkie dogs, aren't there?
Yeah, there are the little ruff ruff ruff.
No, poodles, despite their charming appearance.
I'm bored now.
I know.
Just talk about, come on, talk about the noodles.
Right, now, firstly, we've got four noodles to blitz today.
We are.
We're going to blitz through them, hence the format.
Name.
That's right, Paul. Now, first...
You've got to say now and then hold on like a silence for a little bit. Firstly, I had my eyes
on this. I'm glad I got, managed to get one because I went to Sainsbury's, they didn't have
them here. Okay, this is the first of the cup noodles that we'll be trying today. That's right,
and this is a Maggie branded hot cup. Wake up Maggie. I think I've got something to say to you
Maggie made a cup and I'm heating it just to give to you
Oh, you a dirty old cow and I don't like you anyhow, but I fucked you cuz you're just there
Moving on that's what that songs about. Yes. I know he wrote a lot of songs about just telling them to fuck off. Yeah. It's like that new faces one isn't it? Stay with
me. Yeah, it's like, all right love, fuck off. That's the song at lunch hour. No, this
is a Maggie hot cup chicken flavour. So I went for it. They had two. They had a curry
and a chicken. I thought chicken is the first flavour of instant ramen was chicken flavoured.
So that's the first one we're trying today.
Maggi, a Swiss company, but they're a huge conglomerate and they're hugely popular, Paul, in South East Asia.
Oh, okay, fair enough then. Alright, cool, what's number two?
He's just digging through his bed now.
Number two now, this is a noodle brand that has been denigrated by you and me over the years on this podcast.
And for good reason reason to be fair.
This is Bachelors. They are the company behind Super Noodles.
Super Noodles are we.
Which is spelled soup as in mushroom soup.
Paul, this is their pasta and sauce.
So we're stepping slightly out of the bounds of our format by tackling pasta, but it's in a cup so we're giving it leeway. I mean, this is essentially a pot noodle in everything, a noodle pot in every everything,
it's just they call it pasta. Noodles are pasta, pasta are noodles.
Oh, I'm just saying it slightly falls out of our usual remit.
Yes.
That's all I'm saying.
I think we need to do that because that's where the market's going, Paul.
That's where the market is.
This is bachelor's, they do super noodles which we find are all very cauliflowery
and gelatinous and nasty. But this is their pasta and sauce. Also the... I hate that.
When they do an and by putting two... Just put an ampersand in. What's wrong with an
ampersand? No, but it's chummy, innit? Not when you have the word pasta before it, because
then it fucks up the way your mouth works. It's like, pasta and sauce. It feels forced.
It's not like fish and chips where it feels more natural. I agree. It's because it's the open vowel sound at the end
of pasta. Yeah, it ruins it. You're right. Bachelors, go fuck yourselves. Fuck you bachelors.
We're not tasting it now. No, we are. Oh, they are some bachelor boys and that's the
noodle they make. Oh, they are the bachelor boys, their pasta and sauce taste fake.
It tastes fake.
Cliff Richard song.
Oh I was a bachelor boy and that's the way I should stay.
It's quite close to what he was a bachelor wasn't he?
Well he still is.
Mmm.
Right.
Anyway so this is what?
This is a chicken and mushroom flavour. It says low fat on it, which is probably true,
but it's probably very high salt. So it has a little picture of a kettle and says do not
put it in a pot.
Fine, we won't then.
Do not put it in a pot. You can see photos of everything we're going to taste today on
the website. One thing that stood out to me from this is it says deliciously creamy. I think that was worth
the wait for me to say that. Move on. I saw something die in Paul's eyes there everybody.
I died a long time ago. Now we go for the third option. It's a pot noodle Paul. We
have to have it here. Mentioned over and over again by us but they are terrible aren't they?
I'd say they're actually worse than super noodles on the whole.
I would, no, well here's the...
Chicken and mushroom.
Here's the problem.
It's a classic.
Chicken and mushroom is the exception that proves the rule, right?
Where it feels like it's nice comfort food,
we all love it, we fall at it.
It's salty, it's got a bit of chew to it, it's fine.
However, anything outside of that falls into the,
what I like to call, well-dodged area of flavouring.
And this looks like another attempt to them to mix it up somewhat.
Yes, so we're going with a pot noodle chicken fajita flavour.
Two things that I wouldn't really want to put together,
just because I don't... it seems like a pointless crossover.
What, a noodle with a fajita?
A fajita is essentially like a chicken wrap, isn't it?
But it could be a spiced beef wrap.
Oh yeah, it could be anything, you know what I mean?
So again, by that logic, what are we talking about here with fajita? Are we talking about the spices
or the flavour of the meat? So fajita traditionally would have some sauce, spiced chicken or beef
or whatever and then peppers, like griddled peppers. That's a fajita. And they put cheese
in it as well. It's basically just like a longer taco, isn't it? Really? I mean, you
know, where's the line between a taco and a fajita? I don't want to get into it. I think probably fajita is a whole sort of western thing invented by, what's that brand
called?
Paparegis?
Paparegis?
No, what's that, what's that big Mexican take-home kit food brand?
Oh, El Dorado or something.
It's something like that though, isn't it?
It's something generic as fuck.
But there was a point in the sort of 80s and 90s where we were getting pushed for heaters in this country weren't we? They
were pushing for heaters at us. Yeah right through our letter boxes, windows. And I question
whether it's actually legitimately Mexican product. Anyway it says on this the chicken
juan. Okay so it's chicken then right. In four minutes. The chicken, what does that
even mean? Juan. What's's someone's name is it?
The chicken Huan.
The chicken Huan.
Is it pun on one?
Yeah, it's like, it's the chicken one.
So maybe there's a beef one,
or maybe the joke is just that they've used the word Huan.
And then here it says the chicken one again.
Fuck it.
And it's got a sombrero pictured on it.
Now, we've all often mentioned
The lazy stereotyping of food branding.
The lazy stereotyping that a lot of brands do with Far Eastern stuff.
Especially that font, that kind of Chinese takeaway font.
They call those chop suey fonts.
They're English fonts that are made to look oriental.
But this is exactly the same thing for Mexicans, isn't it?
This is racist stereotyping.
Why is it more acceptable though?
It's a push to say it's racist, but what it is to say is it's more lazily...
It's lazy stereotyping.
Yeah, lazy branding.
Of a nation.
Yeah, but again, it's neither inherently good or bad in itself.
It's just that the association you want to put on it comes from a particular point of
view.
But that whole thing of using Juan as a pun on one, that's like saying, for example...
I had Juan off the list the rest of last night.
No, but like a Chinese product and going, oh,
Wang or something, you know, you're making a pound on Wang.
And that would that would feel more racist.
You know, I'm getting at the older.
This should be seen as just as sort of problematic, I think, and lazy.
Yeah, but unfortunately, it's boiled into branding that now.
So it's it's it's neither negative or positive.
It is anyway.
That's the one we're going to taste the chicken feet.
I think it's going to taste like chili heatwave Doritos
and all of those other...
Right, this one's close to 15 minutes down and bored.
All those other ones.
What's the fourth one?
I'm going to tell you, Paul.
All right, Paul.
I'm having actually enjoying this now.
No, I'm enjoying it too, but I'm also...
And you're trying to kill my vibe.
But let me put it this way.
I'm dangerously hanging on to the precipice
of this conversation and my fingers are feeling weak.
You're harshing my vibe.
I know, but I'm still involved.
Your fingers are feeling weak?
Yeah, because I'm hanging off the precipice. No, sorry. And I was like, oh, my fingers. I thought your fingers are feeling weak. You're harshing my vibe. I know but I'm still involved. Your fingers are feeling weak? Yeah because I'm hanging off the precipice. Oh sorry. And I was like, oh my fingers. I thought your fingers were feeling weak because you hadn't been...
Having one off the wrist. There you go. Thank you. Did that bought me another minute?
It bought you one minute quick, what is it? So the last noodle we'll be tasting Paul. Yes. Is Itsu. Eat Beautiful. They have a chain of restaurants selling sushi mainly and noodle soups.
It was a itsu restaurant serving noodles, chicken bits and noodle noodles.
I forgot.
Almost, almost.
I had it in my head but by the time it came out of my mouth I'd lost it.
It can't all be gold Paul.
I wish it would be gold every once in a while though.
Talking of gold, there was a gold trim on this noodle.
To give it a little bit of je ne sais quoi.
That is, they're positioning it themselves as upmarket.
I don't like itsu food, I don't know what it is.
No I don't, I find it incredibly bland and we have tasted one of these before.
It's like bland with spices.
It's really bland.
We tasted one of these before and we really hated it.
But I noticed they have changed the branding in terms of the artwork, which is all very
sort of pretty...
It's gold leafy kind of effect.
Like a vase or something, like a Chinese vase or something, you know? But what they used
to have was those terrible sort of Calvin Klein advert black and white photos of people
who like...
Chummy copy.
Yeah. But so I think that's an improvement. They obviously got some feedback. People didn't
like the sort of aspirational... It's just a landscape.
What's the flavour, sorry about this?
The flavour is satay.
What, is it rice or is it noodles or is it pasta?
Satay are those skewers of meat which have a peanut...
Yes. I like satay a lot.
Usually a peanut dip sauce. But they say here, handcrafted... I mean that's fuck off. Who's buying that? Why would you even
put that on anything? Who cares? This is obviously a mass produced product. Why did you say handcrafted
anyway? Handcrafted miso. My sticky crunchy socks are handcrafted. You know what I mean?
Yes. You're not going to eat that though are you? Well yeah. I mean I could put a poo in
my hand and like squish it down that'd be handcrafted
Squish it right down squish squish
Trying to get out of this squish handcrafted miso broth blended with Japanese sesame paste fine Okay, okay fine that could be better than the ones we had before it might taste nice
We can only hope so with all that being said
We're now going to take a break and then make the noodles and make a break and then make the noodles and then taste the
noodles and all that stuff. So what we're gonna do now was we're gonna do the
first two. Which two do we got to start with then? We're starting with the pasta
sauce and the Maggi. The Maggi which is new on the market. This is how new
this Maggi was on the market. Couldn't find it in St. Louis, had my eye on it for this episode.
And then I went to the Turkish grocer and they had it there, got that, what
a palaver, they had to look up the price.
Oh dear.
They had to look up the price.
How much was it?
Because it was so new, £1.39.
Not bad at all, really, depends.
For what it is.
For what it is, and the current state of the market, unless you're buying the package which
is 60p or whatever.
I mean this Itzu one, might be better, might be worse, was over £2 and it's got gold trim
on it.
Alright, so we're going to come back after this little break and do the pasta sauce and
the hot cup. The bachelor's pasta sauce and the Maggie hot cup, both of
which have a problematic pronunciation so I want to say Maggie cunt cunt and
pasta and bastard. Right we're gonna put the sound effect in and come right back.
Join us for the taste session.
Alright Paul, I'm back.
You're back.
With the first of our two noodle pots to
taste today on this Blitz Oh Mother etc. Mava! I like saying Mava! You didn't go, I
paraphrased Bowie's Suffragette City. Oh quick thing before I forget. I thought you were
gonna eat it. They do both need a couple more minutes so I've built
this in. All right, I'm glad. You'll have to listen built this in. They've brought in the new names
of the Overground lines in London. And the one near me, which I knew is the Goblin line
because it gospel oak to Barking to gospel oak, gospel oak to Barking, Goblin. I knew
it as that. But it's now Suffragette. It's now the Suffragette line. And I'm like, how am I going to remember
it's called the Suffragette line when it used to be the Goblin line? And I've built a memory
palace. What about this? David Bowie did Suffragette City, yes? What was the character that David
Bowie played in Jim Henson's Labyrinth?
S.S. Ziggiestardos.
N. The Goblin King. And Labyrinth, if you think about it, looks like a tube map sort of thing. That's
my memory palace, that's how I remember. The suffragette line was used to be...
Or do you remember the line they used called the suffragette line? I know it already.
Yeah, but it's hard.
It's not, I don't...
No, but it's helped you.
It hasn't.
I bet next time you think, what's that line fucking called? David Bowie and his tights.
No, I just remember the suffragette.
We had that on VHS and my sister was obsessed with looking at Bowie's knob in those tights.
Okay, well.
They were, they would go mad.
Is this still factoring in the wait time for these fucking doodles?
They had mania, they had mania about it.
Now pastels.
And he jostle-laked balls in that as well.
It's very bollock heavy that film.
It's a big old ball heavy film.
It was a flop, wasn't it, as well?
What, his balls, or his cocking balls was a big flop.
I said Jennifer Connelly was hot to someone the other day.
And they were like,
what are they talking about? She's probably one of the best looking women of the era. She's a very beautiful woman. Don't you think? I think so. Perhaps it's just our type. I like brunettes.
Oh, don't worry about our type. It's not my favourite Nintendo game.
That was terrible. Now, is it? Is it? Was it? Paul? I'm very sorry. It's okay, mate. I just don't.
I have some notes on the prep. La la la la la, I
have some notes too. La la la la la. Those are good notes as well Paul. I'm desperate
this week mate. I know you are. The pasta sauce, the pasta and sauce, chicken and mushroom,
had a very farty smell coming off it. Can I have a huff? I can at least huff. Let me
just finish the prep on it because it needs another stir. Oh, he's stirring it with a stirrer.
Oh, it looks very creamy.
That's the whole thing they're saying about it. It's creamy.
Yeah, but it also looks creamy in that the last gasp of vom
before the dry retching kicks in.
It is macaroni, if you're wondering what the shapes are.
Yes, I'm sure a lot of people are.
Now that needs more time.
I want to huff it still.
Yes, huff it before I put the lid back on. All right, I can do that. OK, h needs more time. I want to hoof it still. Yes, hoof it before I put the, I need to put the lid back on.
All right, I'll do it. I can do that.
Okay, hoof it.
Oh, weird.
It's a little bit farty, isn't it?
Doesn't smell horrible, but it is a little bit boff-like.
Yeah, a little bit farty, boffy, salty flavor.
Now.
I don't know why, sorry, I don't know why I found that funny.
I actually don't, but it did make me giggle.
What annoyed me about this was the instructions, right? Read that Paul, if you can. Be careful.
What the e-beer across the top?
The instructions. What does it say, first instructions say to do?
I can't read it, I haven't got my glasses on.
We need to sort this out.
Right, we're getting my glasses, oh here are my glasses.
Because this is all the detail and the minutiae that we're known for Paul.
Oh now I can see.
Yeah, you can see it now? What's the first instruction?
Place pot on solid play.
Oh my god you can't even.
Place pot on gold pot.
What's it say?
It's cause there's not enough light.
Let me turn the light on and I'll read it.
It's fine.
Oh lord.
There we go, good. This pissed me off the other side already
five minutes I'm off can I move the mic please yes move it then start talking
this I don't know why this is a problem I don't know why this is a problem it
says place pot on solid flat surface okay oh no I was gonna put it on a lumpy liquid I was gonna put it no, I was going to put it on a lumpy liquid.
I was going to put it, do you know what I mean? I was going to put it on a pillow. Who
are they talking to? Non-humans. No, but you know why? Because some fucking dickhead probably
wants to try to put it on their lap and pour the kettle in. And then send them. And then
it's like, oh, you should say that you shouldn't balance it on your knee while you're pouring
hot water from a kettle in it. Yeah, but you know, it sounds a bit like they're talking
to children there. That's because unfortunately we often make rules that apply to the lesser of us, if that
makes sense.
This is the British thing, it's like I don't understand.
So I just wanted to mention that, that it's like overkill there, whereas this, the Maggie
Hot Cup, which is the other one we're tasting in this little segment, the Chicken Maggie
Hot Cup, very simple, it couldn't be easier.
You literally, and this is what Nishan, the best of these
do, you put the water in and then you leave it for two minutes and then you serve it.
You stir it and then it's gone.
What kind of noodles are they? Just a normal egg noodle?
Chicken.
No, the kind of noodle.
They're wheat.
They're all wheat noodles.
Fine. Alright, good, it's just a thin noodle really and a yellowy watery soup to it.
I think it's going to be standard because Maggie is standard. They're best known for
their...
Standard! I don't know what I'm doing this week.
But they are best known.
I feel like I've got punterettes where the minute I hear something I can even vaguely
pun on, I'll do it.
We are going to start with the Maggie, Paul.
Alright.
Here is a fork for you.
Oh good, it's just been right on your arse.
It wasn't on my arse.
It was on my jeans on.
Nothing's going to go through my jeans.
It wasn't on my arse.
That would have been extremely uncomfortable. It was sitting on my arsehole. I had my jeans on. Nothing's going to go through my jeans.
It wasn't on my arsehole.
That would have been extremely uncomfortable.
I was sitting on a fork and it was like poking the arsehole.
I'm into that.
That's my fetish.
Fork on arse.
Come on, fork me right in the arse.
And you open your coat and you've got like a full colour.
There you go.
I've got a nice fish fork.
Do you know what kind of coat it is as well, it's a dirty mac. Anyway, Maggie, best
known for their savoury seasoning. I am bored, put food in my mouth, come on now baby. I've
been trying to get this savoury seasoning. I thought I started strong but now I'm in
the main, my brain's not doing a thing.
It's fine, you've been working, we've both had a long working week.
Yeah, I've had a long week.
We work on the weekends by the way guys.
I'm going to have first dip-ins with a Maggi Hot Cook Chicken Flavour Noodle.
What's the naff naff?
Naff naff.
Traditional, it's not very flavourful to the nose, but there's hints of what to expect
which is a very plain honest noodle.
Yes, this is what I expect from them.
And also what's the texture like? It's OK.
It's a bit too fine a noodle for me to get my teeth into it.
It's very hot because, you know, hot water and shit, but it's all right.
It needs it needs pimping.
It needs it so bad.
I can tell already.
It needs spring onions in there.
It needs a bit of soy, maybe.
I don't know.
Soy, hot sauce, spring onions and sweet corn.
I love to pimp with sweet corn.
A lot of people are against that, but I think it's a perfect pimper
because you get out of a can straight in. No, here's the thing. It's to pimp with sweet corn. A lot of people are against that, but I think it's a perfect pimper because you get it out of a can straight in.
But here's the thing, it's meant to be no frills. That's its USP.
But the Nishan ones, the Nishan Cup Noodles, they have got so much dehydrated vegetable
and soy bits and flavour, you can just eat them as is.
No, I know.
They don't need the pimper.
Right now it's ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar-
ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar-
ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar-
ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ar- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- ope- Just while you calm down. You're gonna take this noodle. You're gonna set me off now.
It's kinda under-seasoned.
You know, it's a bit too watery.
I like the noodles though, I have to say.
Everything is fine about it, but you have to go into it realising it's not going to be special.
It's a very, very sort of mild flavoured chicken.
But again, you put your own pimp into it, you take some veg, you slap some in, whatever.
Whatever you fancy, you can make your own here.
I'm going to taste a bit of the broth.
Meanwhile, I'm just going to...
Oh yeah, it's pleasing, you know, the way they are.
That's a perfectly good noodle in a pot.
It's a starter.
Some spring onions would be lovely.
It's your entry level noodle.
Yes, which is what I would expect from Maggie because they are very much sort of basics.
Which is exactly what you need, it's the basics.
Here it is Paul, here's Maggie's most famous product.
Oh liquid seasoning.
Maggie liquid seasoning, have you seen that?
Yeah we've done that on the show.
Massive in Vietnam, it's like a...
A sauce report segment we've done that on, so yeah.
It's like a sort of soy sauce for people who don't use soy sauce.
Yeah, right shut up, bachelor's pasta and sauce, chicken and mushroom.
Do you know what's funny?
It said chicken and mushroom but I only just realised that was the flavour now, I kind
of didn't listen to that.
So when I was smelling it I was like what is that smell? But then... It's the fungallness from the mushroom, is that what said chicken and mushroom but I only just realized that was the flavor now, I kind of didn't listen to that. So when I was smelling it I was like what is that smell?
But then... It's the fungleness from the mushroom, is that what you're getting?
Yeah but then when I read it was like oh it all makes sense now, it almost as if it was
weirdly generic sloth smell. Yes but then it took shape, which is the weird thing about the
sense of smell. Oh it's thick as fuck. Oh it is creamy then. It's thick as fuck.
Well they've done well. It's almost like digging into a jelly.
Well it's meant to be, it's meant to be a pasta, not meant to be a broth.
It's meant to be just saucy pasta.
Oh no.
What's wrong with that?
No, do you know what it is?
If you've bought a bad pasty from Greg's, like a chicken pasty, it's that innards.
It's sort of artificial chicken flavour almost.
You know that chicken sauce that comes in those pasties? Yeah.
It's that.
However, the problem is at least you get real fucking chicken in that.
Yeah.
With a texture that helps.
But that flavour, that spunky, funky, cheesy flavour with the noodles and the gelatinous noodle is like...
There's sliminess of it.
Yeah.
And it doesn't, there's nothing, it's not salty enough or it hasn't got enough tang to lift the texture.
Do you see what I mean?
It's a proper swamp-fog flavour to it.
Really bad.
Sorry.
Well, here's the thing.
It was better than I thought it was going to be.
Because I thought it was going to be like watery shit.
Oh no, they've achieved a creamy texture.
What the fuck are you talking about?
This is why I can't get a job.
This is the problem, Paul. If the podcast comes to an end,
I'm not going to be employable anywhere.
Mr Silverman please sit down. Now we thought you on page were quite good for the role.
However, we have listened to this episode of Believe Your Cheap Show podcast where you
and I quote, Greg Waller needs to clean his creamy dirty cock off.
Oh the bits. Now let's rate them. Out of five, this is our whim and our want and we're
going to weave it into the weft of the episode. And you can't really rate them against each
other, they have to be rated on their own for their own qualities. And then I just want
a little summary as well from you of sort of what you thought. Okay, Maggie, fine, basic
starter pack, kind of noodle, instant noodle, decent broth, nothing too shocking,
pimp the fuck out of it and you'll probably have a better time. However, I'm going to
give it 3.25 overall for that.
Okay, very fine, I would go similarly, I would say 3.5.
Solid.
It is nice tasting, they do know their stuff at Maggi, it is very plain, it is very simple.
But that's its job.
The noodle didn't turn mushy, they had a nice texture to the noodles, but It is very plain. It is very simple. But that's its job. The noodles didn't turn mushy,
they had a nice texture to the noodles, but it is very much your entry level basic noodle pot.
Right. Bachelors. So three, I'm going to say three, I'm going to go 3.25. That's where I was.
That's where you were. Right. So bachelors. Now bachelors. Pasta and sauce, chicken and mushroom.
Pasta and sauce. I'm hungry, that's the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. You start polishing.
Any old fucking gobbly muck. Right, I'm going to give that two. It's not offensive, that's the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. You're gonna fucking start polishing the...
Any old fucking gobbly muck.
Right, I'm gonna give that two.
It's not offensive, it's not appalling, but it isn't very satisfying really.
No.
It's a chicken pasty in it that didn't have the balls to have chicken in, instead you
get it served via this macaroni.
It's just underpowered in the flavour department.
It's very British in that respect.
Yes, that's right, and they are the big big British brand aren't they, Bachelors?
And like I say, they do super noodles which similarly are very sort of mushy and sort of underflavoured as well.
Everything is stodgy really when it comes down to it.
We take something from China or India or Mexico and we go, fucking stodge that.
We're going to stodge all over it. I'm going to get my stodge out.
Yeah, and stodge it up. What day is it? Stodge day. Yes. The day of our Lord Stodge. I'm glad you said that. We're gonna stodge all over it. I'm gonna get my stodge out. Yeah, and stodge it up. What day is it?
Stodge day.
Yes.
The day of our Lord Stodge.
I'm glad you said stodge.
Stodge. The patron state of stodge.
Stodge.
Stodge.
Dodge the stodge.
Oh God.
I'd rather not be in a place where there's stodge.
Stodge my blodge stodge. Is that what you want from the audience? Is that what you want?
Are they not right in the ear.
Clodge my splodge, dodge off.
Right, so I will say 2.5.
Oh, you're a bit more generous.
That's what I'm giving.
It's not a very impressive thing.
No, not offensive.
On a similar level really to a pot noodle.
Yeah.
We'll see because we are tasting the chicken fajita coming up in this next bit, Paul.
Let's get the kettle on again then. Okay, get the next two on to this pod
I'm the leader. I'm the leader. I'm the leader of the pot noodle man, that's a yammer.
Cut that.
No, not that, I'm like...
Oh shit, that didn't work.
There was no mirth in the room.
It's your fault.
Why is it my fault?
I'm mirthy.
I'm girthy.
I'm girth with mirth.
Do you know what? We're not going to be able to do the podcast after a while because every time certain words
get brought up, it's inevitable that we get into it.
Cream, that's one of the words.
Cream is a big one.
And girth.
Anything that rhymes with girth, a lot of things do.
Spodge.
I don't even know.
Stodge and spodge.
Anyway, this is Noodle Pot Blitz Pot Deux, a folie de deux.
Now it's interesting that by natural selection we managed to find the first two pots to be
sachet less and these are sachet full.
That indeed is true, Paul.
Something inside me so strong.
I know that I can't make it, but it's doing me wrong, so wrong.
We can't make like that. That's doing me wrong, so wrong.
We can't make like that.
That's apartheid.
Is it?
Biko, yeah.
Oh, I didn't know.
What's that song about?
About all coming together and making things good.
They murdered him.
Anyway, noodles.
The white colonialist.
Anyway, let's eat some noodles.
Okay, now firstly, we have got a classic brand here in Britain.
It's probably the most famous brand here.
Yeah. Pot Noodle. Chicken fajita flavour, Paul.
Now, I'm going to have a huff of this. It needs another stir because...
It does, but that shouldn't affect the huff. You know what pisses me off,
amongst many things about... What's the smell like?
It doesn't not smell like chicken fajita, to be fair.
It tastes... It smells like chicken fajitas. It does.
Recently, we tried their Doner Kebab one. Awful. And their Christmas
one last year was it? Spoilers, we've got more this year. More Christmas ones this year.
Yeah, oh by the way, Office Christmas party's coming along fine, the pub said it's fine.
I spoke to the manager though. He's a very aggressive man. Really? He said there's some
rules and regulations he wants us to follow or he'll turf us out on the night. That's
fine, we can do it. For instance, he doesn't want any of, he said quote unquote, that type of material.
What does he mean?
I don't know.
Blue stuff.
I don't know.
Has he listened to the podcast?
I didn't tell him about the podcast.
Oh mate.
I just said it was an office party for media types.
Listen, he's not going to be there.
No he is, he's going to be there because they're not closing the whole bar down.
We're getting the back bar where we had the awards all those years ago.
We're having the back bar.
The kimchi bar?
Yeah.
At the Spoff and Pickle?
Yes.
But anyway, he said he'll be keeping an eye on us.
If there's any fucking dodgy stuff, we're out.
Kimchi, it's like, pop out.
No, I know, but I've decided not to engage in that line of comedy.
There's some foreshadowing for sure going on there.
Yeah, we've got...
I'm gonna niff on this.
Oh yeah, that smell is quite good, isn't it?
Yeah, it is absolutely. What's the verisimilitude of it is reasonably accurate.
And I thought it was going to be much more of that generic Mexican spice profile. Do
you know what I mean?
You can still smell that spice in there but at least there's a chickeny.
There's a chickeny note as well on the nose isn't there?
Chickeny note.
That's the sound of my father. Chickery tip.
Yeah, I've got a Chickery Tip.
I've got a Whiffery Tip.
Oh, what a great song.
George A Moroder. His first group.
It's a great song everyone, look it up.
Son of my father.
By Chickery Tip.
That's a great name., look it up, Son of My Father by Chickery Tip. That's a great name!
Are you okay mate?
Are we gonna call our band, oh fuck it, Chickery Tip, alright fine!
I think they did just call it that.
Because chickery is the licorice root thing right?
It's a veg, it's a licoricey veg.
It's a terrible bitter, bitter vegetable.
And they name their band after it?
Oh no, chickery is what they make fake coffee with, isn't it?
Is it?
They roast it and make, yeah, chicory for like people who don't drink coffee.
Have we ever done that on the podcast?
How about fake coffee?
Have we?
Have we?
I think we have, have we?
Chicory, we should, we should do that.
Oh, but have we done it already?
We haven't.
It's been nine years.
Now one thing I do like about pot noodle is there's always a sachet, Paul, as we mentioned.
But the sachet is always something that sort of complements the flavor profile of the main
thing, the gimmick.
Oh yeah, what was the sachet for this?
The sachet is soy sauce with the chicken and mushroom, which is nice.
And ketchup with the beef and tomato.
Okay.
But what was this?
What would you think it would be?
I'm going to say it's like the beef spice mix or the spice mix.
Was it a sauce or was it a powder?
It's a sauce, it's always a sauce. I would say it was the heat pack. It's always a wet pack,
it's always a sauce. I would say it was a heat pack then, a heat hot sauce. A chilli thing. I
would have thought that as well but no, look. Oh yeah, it's got it. Tomato sauce! They're being
lazy there aren't they? Part of me doesn't want to add that to it. Well what do you want to do,
taste it with or without? Taste it naked and then add the sachet. And then add it to you to taste naked. Alright, because I think that
makes sense, right? Because this is the profile. Yeah. There's no ketchup in fucking fajita.
It's lazy, isn't it? They should have gone with chilli, but I guess they don't want to
alienate people who don't like hot food. Is there ketchup or sort of tomatoes in there?
The beef, the beef and tomato, the beef, the beef flavoured one has a cooked ketchup as
you mentioned. So it's just the same as that. But what I'm saying is, should this have a tomato profile to it?
Well no, it should have chilli, because it's Mexican isn't it?
Now he's had his first bite of the chicken fajita pot noodle.
What are your thoughts?
Oh mate, I mean flavour wise, yes that's chicken fajita.
The problem is texture wise, it's horrible pot noodle muck.
Their texture is terrible isn't it?
But why does it work for chicken?
It works for chicken and mushroom.
But for this, it's like the gelatinous nature
gets in the way of the flavour.
Yeah, it's a bit slimy.
The noodle did actually cook better than I thought.
And the other thing about pot noodle is you have to pour it on,
leave it two minutes, stir it, then leave it another two minutes.
It's a fucking faff.
There's that faffy middle step
which lots of other things don't go for.
No. Fuck my lips. It's the same pot noodle trap innit?
That is actually, I like that better than almost any pot noodle I've tasted recently.
Actually I'll back you up on that because yes, if I had to have a second pot noodle
flavour in my ranking, that might be in the top five.
You know, it's not too offensive. What it does have is an aftertaste that's quite chemically, which I find with all of their stuff, is a chemically that...
These days, definitely. It's that chemically, like I said, that sort
of basic Mexican spice flavour. That's at the end and it feels false.
Do you know what I mean? I will say this. Do you remember when we had
the Christmas pot noodles last year? Same problem. Up front, oh, that's a roast dinner
or whatever it was. But then back then it was like, I feel like I've just licked a pharmacy table.
Yeah, artificial rosemary.
It feels like the elastoplasts you get.
And that kind of flavour, as you work your way through the noodle, seems to build up.
Yeah, it does.
They've got so many problems, Pot Noodle, they've got so many issues.
The further you dig down to the bottom of that, the worse it gets.
I bet it does.
That artificial note, you know? So at the front, you're like, oh, that's not too bad.
And then it's like... And then it sets in. And then all the problems set in. It builds up as the more you
have. Anyway, enough of that. But... As pot noodles go... Fine. Yeah. Not too egregious. Oh, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna... Oh yeah, should we add the tomato sauce? No, you're right, we should do the tomato sauce
aspect. Okay. While you do that, I am going to have a little sniff of the itsu.
Sniff of the itsu.
So this is sniff of the itsu. Sorry, I don't know why that's funny either. I'm amusing
myself to death. Itsu, rice and noodles, satay flavor.
Now that had a sachet, but you put the sachet in before you put the hot water in.
What was the sachet? Was it the peanut thing?
It was the sachet, yeah. Everything.
I mean, yeah.
Does it smell of me, sir?
No, you can smell the peanut butter part of it
Perfectly me see do you mean you can particularly smell the peanut butter paste of it? Yeah sesame paste. Oh, yeah
No, but it's similar. Yeah, but it's both of their both of their roast
It says me is there however when you look at it, it is that same watery
It's a weak noodle ribbon noodle ribbon noodle, I don't know. Now I have added the tomato to this chicken fajita and see if it improves it.
See if it improves it?
Yeah, it does.
Oh okay, in what way?
There's some sweetness and a little more umami.
The tomato flavour just adds a little bit more complexity.
Yeah, you know, oh yeah.
It lifts it half a point.
You're right, but actually I think I like it less.
Oh really, yeah.
I don't know how to explain it but I think... Yeah maybe.
Yeah, fine.
You know the sweetness is a little bit more interest.
Yeah, the fruit, tomato sweetness comes through and you're right, lifts away from the gluttony of it.
It's a little bit better.
It's a little bit better.
It's a little bit better.
It's just such a gimmick. It's like put that in your original thing and make it taste better originally.
You know what I mean?
What's that whole thing about?
It's almost like a toy thing. It's like, you know, I don't know.
But it doesn't ruin it, it does improve it, but at the same time is it necessary?
No.
It feels like it's there for the sake of having a sachet.
Which is their thing, their gimmick, isn't it?
And yet it does fix it, so it's neither one or the other.
What did the Christmas dinner one have, like a mint sauce sachet?
No.
They could get really creative with it, couldn't they?
I honestly don't even remember if it came with a sachet. It probably did, I just can't remember what it was. No, some of them don't, don't they?
Unfortunately that particular office Christmas party was one of our rowdier ones with Biff
Owen Co. So whatever information was meant to be in part of an episode was swallowed by the noise
of our booze. It was the noise of our booze. Now, this smell is not bad. It's almost boozy, the odor.
It's got the fermented miso because they use real miso. They use real miso in this. And I'm going to be tasting the broth as
well. The noodles have cooked nicely, fine.
Yeah, I mean, but again-
The itsu we're onto, by the way.
Yeah, no, this is itsu. Eli's diving in for this one.
Rice noodle satay. This is only rice noodle as well. All the others would have been wheat.
These are ribbon noodles.
And I'm honestly not a fan of rice noodles, really, personally speaking. Why? Don't know. Personal preference. I don't know.
A bit plainer. I think I like the texture to egg noodles more. Yeah, and they're different, yeah.
Different texture. It's not like I don't like it, I just rather not. I like it. I like a rice noodle
and a pad thai. I love a pad thai. I love thai noodle dishes. What do you think? Now taste the
broth as well. Why have you got it? It's quite underpowered isn't it still? It's that same problem I have with it too, where it's like
it's a load of nothing. Yeah it's weird. There's so much going on that there's almost nothing there.
It's watery. It's okay, it's watery though yeah. It feels underflavoured. Transparent. It is better
than the one we had before I think, this one. Yes, because it feels like at least there's some nutty sesame... I think it's too sesame.
Yeah. Sesame is a very difficult flavour to control.
Because it can be overwhelming, especially if it's roasted.
And especially if you know that in Chinese dishes you get sesame oil. And a lot of people
ruin that by just sort of being liberal. You can't be liberal with the sesame oil. It's
a very... it's like a dressing, a very top note sort of thing. No, it is a bit too much sesame, isn't it?
But again, it's not.
I want more miso.
It might be the best one I've had from them in a while, but again, I just don't rate it so, I'm sorry.
Okay, fair enough. I think that's not bad.
It's like Emperor's New Clothes almost. It's like, oh look, it's all this and it's great and it's it too.
It's a restaurant. It's like, yeah, but ultimately it's not satisfying.
No. This one has got higher quality ingredients but this is a personal
preference yes because people love it too obviously i can taste actual real dehydrated
spring onion in this for example right so you mean that's a quality thing but you know which
justifies the higher price point obviously but it just feels like traditional food filtered through
corporate think yes so then it feels more like Torquan's take on it.
Yeah, another brand which I didn't get was Kabuto.
Do you remember those?
Is that where loads of men come in a woman's face at the same time?
No, that's Kabukar Key.
Kabuto was a noodle that we attacked quite vociferously for using lazy orientalist stereotypes.
Remember?
Like, find your inner peace with Kabuto and all of that.
And we criticised that
rightly. They did have two Kabutas, it's still going as a brand, I saw them in Sainsbury's
but they've dropped all of that.
Have they? All that Chumi copy? Good, because it was necessary. It's not necessary that
stuff.
No.
I don't like-
Well, it obviously wasn't working for them.
We can't go down the anti-Chumi copy thing because it's it, we've done it enough now,
but if you're going to do it, find a brand that reflects that back and not just impose it onto something you're
trying to deliver as a classy product which this spot noodle has been guilty
of with its sombrero it has a sombrero on it for fuck's sake I know and let's just try
and be copy was on the pot noodle as well because it says oh while you're
waiting another two minutes go to at you at pot noodle dot com. That's too chummy. That's just it. It's a
go for it. Go for it. What's that mean? Okay. And I want to score for you. I thought you
were singing Tarzan Boy for a minute there. That was all. Jimmy Savile sings Tarzan Boy.
Swinging into the children's water. He's on a vine swinging into the children's water. It's on a vine swinging into the children's water. Yeah, we get it. Oh dear. Paul, I need...
A rescore.
A rescore for you.
Right, so...
We're starting here with the Pot Noodle Chicken Fajita flavour.
I'm going to be reasonably generous and say 3.
I'm going to go 3.25 on that.
I think it's...
It wasn't too bad. Best pot noodle I've had in ages actually. Yes,
it's a good runner up in the what do you like best when it's not chicken and mushroom flavour.
I would still go for chicken mushroom over that. Of course, but then that's real soy sauce.
I don't believe I've ever found another type that I would prefer. I did off I did get I think this
is why I like this one as well because I do quite like the beef and tomato which comes with ketchup
sachet as well. Have we ever just done a line up of the classic pot noodles?
We have not.
We could do that for the next Blitz.
I think the next Blitz might be a good old pot noodle episode special.
Oh, exciting news everyone.
Next week we're eating pot fucking noodles.
I did buy an extra pot pasta, which we haven't done.
Okay.
We know that we didn't include it in today's line up, but we did get the
Carbonara pot pasta, pot noodle, branded. I thought that'd be interesting because we
have tasted the Buldak hot chicken ramen flavoured Carbonara recently, which we both
said was a good, was a very good noodle. And do you know what? Those come in pots now,
the Buldak ones, they do pots. And we should try one of those because when you get it in
a pad, in a deck of noodles, it takes five minutes to cook the noodle.
And so there must actually be a different formulation of noodle in the pots.
Because you don't have to keep it.
You don't have to think so.
Yeah, so they might taste different from the...
So that's something else that we might cover.
Put it on our docket, yes.
Put it on the docket!
Sock it off!
Yes.
Christ.
Docking.
That's something men do.
It is.
It is.
City of crime!
City of sin. In the city of sin men do. It is. City of crime! City of sin.
In the city of sin men duck.
Ooh they duck all night long.
Where do they duck?
Duck tip tip tip.
Chickery tip.
No I mean where, what location of the city?
You know down by the old can factory?
By the ducks?
Yeah the old can factory by the ducks.
The duck on the ducks.
Yeah.
That's what I was going for.
Dick on the duck.
Dig my ass out on the duck.
Sorry. It's ooo. Who for. Dick on the duck. Dig my ass out on the duck. Sorry. Paul died inside.
What score do you give the itsu?
Two.
Really?
Yeah.
You just don't like them at all.
We can't be convinced.
They never do anything for me.
Again, I'm going to go as high as three there.
That was much better than one we've had before.
So it's nice to see things improving.
It is.
Aminah, across the board, what was your favourite?
My favourite today, I have to say.
Maggie. It's the Maggie. I know I could put My favourite today, I have to say, it's the Maggi.
I know I could put some hot sauce, spring onions, like you say.
Oh, one last thing I wanted to-
I'm gonna shock you.
I'm gonna say maybe the pot noodles was my favourite.
Really? Yeah.
Nothing wrong with Maggi, but that takes a lot of work to make something of it.
It really did punch higher than expectations, didn't it?
I don't know if that's a metaphor, but-
A faint recommendation.
Yes, so... Can we wrap
this up in the next segment? I just want to say one last thing. All right, go on. Which you've
distracted me from remembering. All right, see you after the break!
So overall my favourite cup noodle today was the pot noodle, what was it called? Chicken fajita.
Chicken fajita and that's our fake recommendation, Eli,
and yours would be the Maggi.
I'll go for the Maggi, probably the cheapest of the bunch,
infinitely pimpable, and I've just remembered
the point I wanted to make for you.
Thank you, now enter your point into the podcast now.
The problem is, we say a lot of these are great for pimping,
you know, especially the Maggi, which was my favorite today.
Because it was just so clear, simple, nice clear broth,
a very nice texture on the noodle as well. Texture on the noodle. A good texture on the noodle. Simple, simple, clear, simple, nice clear broth, nice, a very nice texture on the noodle as well.
Not texture on the noodle.
A good texture on the noodle.
Simple, simple, simple, simple, simple.
The problem is, think about it, right, if you try and pimp a noodle that's in a pot,
got all logical issues, like perhaps if you do too much onion it won't fit in,
and what if you've got something that's cold, then the noodle's not going to cook properly,
do you see what I mean?
That just comes with time.
If you're doing it in a pan on top, then you can really work it much better. So there are issues.
That's all I wanted to say. Thank you everybody. Good night.
Bye. Oh, he's gone.
You do the thing.
Oh, I was going to ask some follow-up questions.
Okay, fine. I'm here for that.
But now I've forgotten what they were because you got up. So now I've forgotten what they were.
But it was something along the lines of, let's go through the cram again, starting at the top.
So you can talk about that and then you talk about that and then we add... Yeah. So, huh.
Let's go through the crème again, starting at the top. So you can talk about that, and then you talk about that, and then we add it.
So, I would argue you can do it just as easily in a pot, you just have to be conservative
what you add in and then mix and add.
Yes, but it does add.
Especially I like to use a frozen tofu skin product.
Pull back your tofu skin.
Is that what you're talking about?
And that is frozen, so there's considerations that you don't have
if you're just going to put it in a pan.
Sorry, so my point is, even though you can pimp with conservative measures, what my point
is is that I think the idea of a pot noodle is you don't, or any of these cup noodles,
you're not meant to add to it.
That's right.
They're self-sufficient.
Yes.
So when you're buying a Maggi, you're buying it because it is a simple item.
That's right.
Whereas the complexities of all the others are built into their marketing points.
And you know what, you're absolutely right, because the Maggie one is the only one that
has a serving suggestion image on the cover. It has it with scallion spring onions and
with bits of chicken, so it's saying, pimp me.
No, but the Bachelor's had the same thing, there was an image of a farmer with his pants
open and a cock out, jockeying was an image of a farmer with his pants open and a cock out
Jocking off a lot of man fat into a chicken's mouth
And then wringing the chicken's juices out into the noodles
That's like a whole comic strip on the side of that
Jock off into a chicken's goat
Goat? Gob? Jock off into a chicken's goat. Goat? Gob? Jock off into a chicken's...
Do you know what a chicken's goat would be? Like probably foghorn, leghorn.
Ah, I see, I see, I see! Oh, that's shit.
Right, the greatest of all time according to a chicken, probably another chicken.
That's Cheap Show over for this week. We hope you benefited from the information that we supplied.
Important information about the state of the noodle in this country. Now, however,
if you want to know more about this podcast or indeed want to see the pictures of the
noodles we fucking ate today, you can go to our website, thecheapshirt.co.uk. There's
loads of pages there for episodes so you can see pictures. There's video links, there's
links to our social medias. B Sky we're on now, call Blimey Governor, Instagram, Sky Cell-O-Vision.
Oh yeah, you can find me on Blue Sky E Loud. E dash loud isn't it? E dash loud. Yeah, because
I was looking for it. Not dash, like the word dash, an actual dash. People understand that.
Dash, a dash of loud. A dash of spunk in my loud mouth. That was awful, I'm desperate,
I'm drowning. Was it awful? We're drowning in spunk jokes? Yeah.
Mmm.
Anyway, the point is, maybe I can come up with a Scottish character who jocks off and
call him Jock Off.
Jock Off.
Okay, Jimmy and Jimmy and Jock Off.
Oh my god, that's insulting.
My name's Jock, I'm sorry.
Listen, we need to increase our listenership in those markets and that won't help.
Maybe that's what we do, we need to bring more characters, it's what they want, more characters.
Then we've got Jock and Jack and everyone's called Jimmy Jock Jack or Jock...
Every single fucking person.
Jimmy Jam Jom Jock. Anyway.
Anyway.
I love you, I love you, I love everyone.
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loads of gubbins. If you like sachets and sprinkles, we did sprinkle sachet Dorito
dippers on the last Cheap Shot. Yeah and we've got the Colombo ones coming out next where
I talk about Colombo. But that's it, let's wrap this up. Thank you, we'll see you next
week. All you lovely people, take care. Good night.
Stop me! I can't, I was saying, bye everyone. Oh hi, hi, dear. I stopped, yeah. Jock off.
I'm jock off here. Right, just press the button. I'm jock muck off. Now I'm into it. Now I'm
into it. You needed the muck. I needed the muck. I knew there was something, yeah. Jack
muck off. That's all we got. We got this. See you next week! Bye!