CheapShow - Ep 414: Joy To The Walk (Mono Edition)

Starting point is 00:00:00 I had a cough then did you? Did you hear a cough? No, no. I literally thought there was a man right behind me coughing then when that... I'll tell you. Who's in the bin? If I see any coffers lurking... Coffers? The lurking coffer. There was that... So I put some coffers in the coffer? Yes, that's... yes. Hello everybody, I'm Paul Gannon, a very witty man and this is Cheap Show and we're having a lovely Christmas walkabout episode today and with me Who's this handsome son of a cunt? Hello everyone, it's Eli Silverman. I'm sorry for saying cunt. It's too early for that. It's fine. Sorry I don't mind. Take it back. Who's this handsome son of a lad? Son of a lad Eli Silverman here. Here we are. Who's a cunt? Here we are in Moswell

Starting point is 00:01:07 here we are in Moswell, Moswell Hill but you know what it means? Moswell Hill? It comes from Mossy Well which erm... That's like Tommy your mum's gunter! You wouldn't let me get it out! I'm sorry, my mum let me... I'm building your mum's gunter hole! My mum will let you get it out don't you worry! Anyway... Mossy Well, it's like a fetid mossy well. Right, now people are looking at us.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Right, so we are doing. What are we doing today? Today on Cheap Show we are walking in and around London because we're doing some Christmas shopping. It's the Office Christmas party next week and we've got to buy some things. We've got a few guests so we have to buy presents for the guests. Pick up some booze, some food, little accoutrements for the party. All stuff for the party. Well done with using accoutrements.

Starting point is 00:01:51 It sounds correct, actually, there. Thank you. You know what's got accoutrements? Acutey... What? Acutey... You know what has accoutrements? My nads. And they're shitty toilet papery accoutrements all hanging off when I haven't wiped properly I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm just letting you go off.

Starting point is 00:02:11 No I think Paul you should let everyone know what the rules of today's sejourn are. We're just going shopping. In terms of the money the budgets and everything. Right well here's the thing every single fucking year on cheap show you refuse almost Almost with anger and intent to buy me a Christmas present when you have they've been To be honest awful a box of tea was one. Oh, that was the worst. That was the nadir What about the dog cough treats you got me did I get you those really Anyway poor so I've given you I saw some things in Palmer's Green. Houdini, you know Houdini was a true crime writer. I didn't

Starting point is 00:02:51 know he was a writer. Yeah. He's a true crime sort of journalist guy. I saw there's a copy of this Houdini's, um, Houdini's Tales of Murder or something and it's got, it's written by him and it's like. Oh I never knew that. I'm going to pick that up for you. That's an actual birthday Christmas present. Well there you go we'll see if that turns up. Do you like that? Is that better than tea and dog biscuits? So I have given Eli a tenner. I have given Eli money from my bank accounts to buy me a Christmas present today so we're gonna start our walk in Muswell Hill and then we're gonna go heading to and look at the Christmas lights on Oxford Street, Eli.

Starting point is 00:03:27 That'd be magical. And then we'll go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park which is also, I've been told, a magical place to be. You're being very ironic because you and I know it's going to be hell on earth. Paul, the Christmas dickhead period has arrived. We are the patron saints of the Christmas Dickhead period. I've been in central London in the last few days. Oh my oh my it's not good. Well that's why we're here today on Cheap Shirts to give you a lickety-split taste of what shopping in London is like and

Starting point is 00:03:57 we're going to start in Muswell Hill which is a calmer more peaceful environment as we look into the charity shops and such as we went our way upon them stop me Eli, come on you've got to stop me. I don't know I was just going to say environment, accoutrements, nadir, all the words today that's all I've got. I've got one more haberdashery so we're gonna start our Christmas walkie Christmas shop episode come and join, you're all welcome. Come on then, come on, come on then. Come on, he's off. We're gonna go, let's go Christmas shopping. Is Muswell Hill magic land? Is it magicland? Because today I've seen a pirate in Santa

Starting point is 00:05:08 Claus in the real life. No it has a lot of show biz types as they say in the game. Okay so update, we're back out the credits, hello welcome to Cheap Show, economy podcast and all that stuff. Hey we're into a couple of charity shops, not a deep bench of things to pull from. A deep bench? As in that a sports team has a shops, not a deep bench of things to pull from. A deep bench? As in that a sports team has a bench, depth in the bench? Yeah. That's not what you meant though, is it? It is, Kai, what I meant and I request that you no further go deeper down into that statement.

Starting point is 00:05:35 I'll go deep in your bench. Do you know what though, Paul? What? We did the first shop we went into which is one I hadn't although I've been charity shop hunting up here a lot and it's a very familiar part of London to me I have friends here. Jeremy what's he called with a little hand who's dead? Beadle. He lived down there. Did he? Yeah we can go past his house if you like. Is it the same house that that guy killed people in? No that's also down there. Dennis Nielsen.

Starting point is 00:06:06 Nielsen and Beadle. Connection? Connection? Coincidence? Coincidence. We'll let you decide. The first shop we went to was the Dogs Trust. Yeah. Which is for dogs. Not the Dogs Truss.

Starting point is 00:06:18 Which is a pouch to hold a dog's junk in. And also, I should warn everyone, don't get confused by the name of that charity because you don't want people trusting dogs because they are rotters all of them to a man to a dog they don't you can't trust them with money you can't trust them with keeping food in their belly. I can't trust them with my girlfriend I'm always coming home and that dog's stinking the f**k. She's got the cream on her. She's got the whipped cream out. Peanut butter all over her, all over her sloppy garbage. Anyway, but...

Starting point is 00:06:50 My girlfriend does not listen to this podcast. Just so she could hear a dog going down on her with her sloppy garbage and peanut butter clunge. Right, but we were coming out of that dog's trust, nice little brick-a-bracky kind of shop. No, it's a good shop, yeah, nice selection. They're good charity shops up here, aren't they? But then what do we see? Argym lad, we see an argym lad come out.

Starting point is 00:07:14 It was a pirate, very much in the style of, imagine Adam Ant, you know? He basically kind of tweaked the Tarzan yodel. Yeah, but the other thing I need to mention about being up here in Muswell Hill, there's a certain type of middle class lady, and I don't want to get across like all... Greg Wallace, here we fucking go, ladies and gentlemen. To anyone outside of the UK, this reference means nothing. And to people in the UK, barely means anything either. No, it's not. Greg Wallace was super famous, mate.

Starting point is 00:07:51 Around the world, super famous. No. Anyway, there's a certain type of person, let's say, not a middle-aged woman, a certain type of middle-class person you get up around here who just wastes time at the tills in charity shops, endlessly chatting crap. And I went into the coffee shop Doppio to buy my coffee filter. Yeah you were quite a while in there I noticed. It's just two women in front of me and then they go to pay and it's like no let me get you know and it's like no just one of you fucking pay so I can you know I'm not even in a hurry and it makes you impatient you know what

Starting point is 00:08:20 I mean like faff middle-class people fuck off of the world anyway also whilst I was in there all a bit troubling you want real trouble but I buy these because I pour over coffee but he tried to upsell me to this thing which is like a ceramic filter. You don't put any paper in at all. It's just a ceramic cone. Oh it's got swills built into the design. No it's sort of it's got no actual hole in the bottom. It's like the whole thing filters it. And I was like oh that's interesting how much is that? 75 quid. I'll get the fucking papers.

Starting point is 00:09:00 Get get get out of here. There's upselling and then there's launching you into the sky and a rocket selling. These papers cost you know four, £4 or something anyway. Which I think is... Anyway, I'm having a lovely time and I've picked up something that might be for you, Paul. If I can't find anything else. I've picked up a little something for you. I might have to give you a little grab bag of goodies on the day on the office party.

Starting point is 00:09:17 That's what I'm thinking because God, it's hard, isn't it? It is hard. Anyway, so we see a... You know what, also I realised when I was... One thing. Your anecdote's a shit. This isn't an anecdote This is a self observation then all right

Starting point is 00:09:28 Don't build it up too much. I've observed about myself Classic cheap show everyone What level are you if we say one to ten scale? I reckon ten is you it's happening What is it's happening? What is I can't forget about it. A twinge in the distant mirror. I think I'm a solid 5 right now. Oh really? Think of it as a broken cocky o'clock.

Starting point is 00:09:53 It's like woo woo woo woo, it's coming out. What, you're just adding that? Yeah. Oh, this boo's coming out. Sorry, I find that amusing. Hey! It's coming out! Now, Paul, in all seriousness,

Starting point is 00:10:12 if you're at five, we're going to have to address that. Now, here's my self-observation. Oh dear. Goo came out his mouth, don't touch me. I'm sorry. Just this whole thing, this whole set up of trying, of buying presents for someone makes me anxious.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Yeah. I like to see something, think oh they would like that. That's when I, do you see what I mean, rather than thinking I have to get something for this person, this person, it gives me anxiety. I haven't seen anything for Ethan or Tom yet, that's tickled me particularly. No, neither have I, but we've only done three shops, so let's keep going.

Starting point is 00:10:50 We've got to keep going. Look, we're right by a Christmas tree, by Muswell Hill Church or something, whatever it's called. There used to be a charity shop here, there used to be one right here, Barnardo's, but it's closed now. And then there's a bagel store and the cinema, so you know. Look at that guy's face above the clock on that church.

Starting point is 00:11:06 He looks a bit stern, doesn't he? Oh yeah, he's like saying, it's like, oh, this is the time. It's not good, is it? Something like that. I wish I were funnier off that. No, no, no, no. What if, though, that was a whole man's body

Starting point is 00:11:21 and that's where his head was? Yeah, and they just coated it in concrete Yeah. 100 years ago. And he's got a clock in his neck. And his dick is the actual hands of the clock, spliced. No, his dick's the spear, isn't it? The spike at the top, the spire.

Starting point is 00:11:36 How can his dick reach all the way up there? He's, oh, this, we should have done this. Yeah, let's cut this. Oh, there's a Christmas tree. We're at a Christmas tree, so we're gonna take a lovely picture of a Christmas tree and now we're going to investigate a few more charity shops and see what we've got. Oh wait, no, one last thing.

Starting point is 00:11:50 We saw Santa. We saw Santa? Did you see what he said when he came in? I didn't see Santa. Maybe this. What, he was right behind you in the shop we just came out of. I'm not even joking. North London Hospice.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Oh, there he is. I see him now. He's across the road. Yeah. There he is. It's an old... Let's be honest, it's a dirty old man dressed up as Santa. He looks like, he's got a big, anyway look the point he's about to make is, saw him and he walks into the charity shop and there was like a woman in his way. Right. And she went, she looked at him and went as you would oh for the Christmas and he went calm down love as if to say it's too exciting obviously yeah

Starting point is 00:12:31 should we mug him? no we shouldn't mug Santa that's not a good look but he obviously someone who puts that on in order to get attention but then says calm down you know what I mean it's like you's you know it's just weird it's very strange behavior but anyway eccentric up here we saw the pirate oh he's going around the corner I want to take a picture let's follow him we're going down there anyway I got him I got him all right we got proof we've got proof and we saw a pirate we should take a picture of the pirate as well but that would have been a bit trickier. That pirate looked like he was off to the docks to get on the boat and... But you know, they were very democratic pirates. Oh, yes, we know. Right.

Starting point is 00:13:13 Okay, so let's carry on with our Christmas shop in Muswell Hills. Oof. Oof, I tell ya. Oof, I tell you. I met a woman in there and I looked in a leather box and inside was a big camera lens, right? Bloody hell. And then she turned around. Gracie! You looked inside her leather box. I didn't look inside her leather. For one thing, that's insulting to an older lady. It's not leathery. It's just old.

Starting point is 00:13:42 Are you having fun? I can't stop thinking about... Go on, do you want to say it out loud? Chunters. Right, okay. When you said I looked inside a ladies leather box and there was a lens in there, I was like some sci-fi sex land shit. That wasn't what I was getting for. My point was, was that, you know what, I've actually forgotten what my point was now. So I looked at it. No, there

Starting point is 00:14:09 was a lady, there was a box. And I looked inside her big tough leathery box, right? Yes. And there was a kind of, you know, camera lens for a nice posh camera like the one we've got for cheap shot videos. How was this box connected to the lady in all seriousness? Well, here's the point I'm making. I put it down and then she looks to me and goes what was in that? And I was like it's a camera lens right you know big XLR cameras and she went oh I've had a fuck enough of them. And I was like what do you mean cameras or lenses? She goes I'm trying to get rid of all my cameras. How many have you got? Ah, one. So, well, you know, she's sick of it. She's sick of that one camera. I think she just wanted someone to talk to, for a moment. So that

Starting point is 00:14:54 was that. That's what I mean. That's what I mean about the type of person you get in the charity shops up here, you know? You know what I'm getting at? Yeah. Very up for talking, up for taking a lot of time at the till and nattering, nattering. But talking without actually saying anything engaging? Yes, anything, any point to it whatsoever, just the sound of the mouth. Sound of the mouth. So along this route is a place Eli... It's the Dirty Cakes, now... Do they still make them?

Starting point is 00:15:24 Yeah, we can't just go in and look at the dirty cake photos and I'm gonna get a steak slice or something as well because it's a nice baker's. Oh it's that place yeah I know what you mean now yeah yeah yeah what's it... what's it called? We've got crisis first. Oh yeah well let's look at the cake while we're in situ and then we can look in there. It's a boutique style crisis. But also remember it's not always good if we're both from the look at the cake while we're in situ. All right, we can come back and look at it. That's a good one as well. It's a boutique-y style crisis. But also, remember, it's not always good if we're both from the shop at the same time,

Starting point is 00:15:49 otherwise we see each other's presence and shit. Yeah, we don't want that to happen, do we? We don't want that to happen. Oh, is it? Is it? The Bakers of Muswell Hill, is this it? Yep. Where's the naughty cakes?

Starting point is 00:15:58 They're on the left as you go in, so I'm gonna distract them by... There's no naughty cakes. Oh no, there's little pictures of cakes, but there's not like a great big... That's what I meant. Yeah, but there's not like a big picture of a tit or anything. There is! Well, I'm not going to go in. I'm going to go into the charity shop

Starting point is 00:16:14 while he gets his grubby mutts. Look at these cake photos Paul, that's the whole point. Come in and look at the cake photos. I just don't want to have me recorder on while we're in there. You have to come in and look. I'll come in and have a look. Can you just stop recording, come in and have a look, then we'll go into the change. Come in and have a look and then stop recording.

Starting point is 00:16:31 Three things. Stop recording. One. Two, come in. Three, have a look at the dirty cake photos. That's it. I'll do that then. Right, let's do that then. I'm just worried about the episode. Stop asking that every single week we make this episode. I'm sorry. What's this? What's this? Are we recording? Yes. After ten years I still don't know what this podcast is Paul. Unfortunately that's a problem that's gotten in the way of our marketing and

Starting point is 00:17:01 publishing and all that kind of stuff in the past and promotion Oh look at that. Is that chestnuts roasting on an open fire? No, that's a coffee roaster, old-school coffee roaster. This is the speciality coffee list. They roast it in shop. Look how inefficient it is. Look at the crap that comes off The burning crap. It's a lovely smell though, isn't it? Oh, I love the smell. The kernel. You're lurking for the smell.

Starting point is 00:17:26 The smell. Good. We're all just hovering around the scent of burning roasted coffee. It's lovely isn't it? Yeah. It's rare to see. It really is and there's a one in... There's a flame down the side.

Starting point is 00:17:38 No you can see the flame throughout the whole centre. Look, do you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to take a picture for our lovely people. I sure should. So it's like a little video? whole centre look do you see that yeah yeah yeah you're gonna take a picture for all of the pressure you know yes video no because I can't host it anywhere and I don't want to and I don't want you to little smoke machine that you didn't put anywhere I did put on the website on the website I did yeah I'm just gonna I'm gonna get a video of this for myself all right well you have a few shots no no

Starting point is 00:18:04 all good mate. So anyway, just came out of crisis, wasn't much in there, that's fine. Tell them about the cake, please. So I went in and saw the naughty cakes. And there was one that said boobs, wasn't there? Yeah, but here's what I'll say about that. And there was one that said three in a bed, wasn't there? And there was one that said orgy three and it had a woman doing a reverse cowboy on a man's face whilst the other lady was at the other end doing a normal cowboy

Starting point is 00:18:31 you know i mean happy 10th birthday rupert i wanted he man i thought you said big dong man no but the boobs one was just a torso with a bikini on it. It wasn't like a great big pair of tits. It was a corset. Yeah, but it wasn't two big loads of tits though, was it? I know, but there was worse ones there when I first saw it. They obviously... Had to tone it down. Because of the kids. My kid came in for a flan and instead got wicked ideas of what to do with his sister. No.

Starting point is 00:18:59 Oh, dearie me, Paul! That's why they took the pictures down mate. Boomin incest. No but it's a French baker's, it's French owned and I think that's the little cultural... You know how they're much more open to sort of slightly salacious or sexy things on the continent aren't they? Yeah but that's the continent, over here it's let's get Mike from a counter Mookie cake for his 40th birthday. It's more acceptable just generally. Oh, it is cancer research. It is cancer research.

Starting point is 00:19:27 It is more accepted generally, I'll give you that. However, there's nothing more off putting to the eye than a cake with three positioned characters. Going at it. And I was saying to Paul, what if you were so starved of porn material, you're very poor or don't have access to the internet you'd have to come up here and try and look at the cake. We should say these aren't actual cakes these are the cakes they can make for you. Images on our website thecheapshotupcurd.uk

Starting point is 00:19:54 but it does make me think it's like oh I fancy a grumble I'm gonna pop down to the bakers on Muscle Hill and fucking splaps some lemon curd out. And also they do lovely chicken and mushroom slices. Yeah well they do we need to point out they actually do make lovely slices and sausage rolls and flans and cakes and tarts. I've got cheesecake but they do it in a very particular way, it's very eggy and wet and I know that sounds bad but it is good, you know like an eggy cheesecake. I know what's eggy and wet mate, it's the back end of my drawers right now. brawls right now. Oh mate, it's true, it's Ganesh. Fancy a gnoble, gnoche Ganesh. No, that is a nice little brass Ganesh. It is, it is. So alright, okay, we've had our fun, Eli's had his pasty, we saw the nude cakes, although I'm going to call one more thing

Starting point is 00:20:43 on that out. Alright. Sexist, where's's the cock cake where's the cake that says cock that's a great big fucking no as we know veined icing on I'm sure they could do that for you last fondant inside creme oh mate you could have a spunky come out coming out spunky icing two big balls and a... And you could squeeze the balls and the icing comes out. Get the custard cream out. Now, there was this one called, there was a book in one of the shops called Whitstable Mum, the cream of, queen of custard or something it was called. Anyway... That's what my mum was called, weirdly enough. Oh yeah. That's not what I heard she was called. No. Mossy well, that's what I heard she was called.

Starting point is 00:21:28 You could fall down there, get very wet. Sorry, sorry, mania. You used to be innocent. I know. You used to be a man whose most erotic thought was my mum putting some kind of vegetable in an oven. That's not, that goes beyond eroticism. Anyway. Does that transcend it? Yes. Anyhow I'm having a nice time Paul but the one thing I wanted to mention before we go in cancer research here. Yeah. Anything for Ethan or well I've got something for Tom. You do? Tom's sorted we've got to get something for

Starting point is 00:21:59 Ethan and I'm picking it your little collection of Christmas trinkets to give you on the day at the office party next week's episode. That book, there's another book with the Houdini book that I mentioned to you, which could be I think you'll like and it's in Palmer's Green, I could go get it tomorrow before I come up to yours. Well we don't have to get everything today to be fair, there's no stress on us. F***ing 150 quid for the Chinese wooden carving. Wow. That's 150 quid. That's 100 quid.

Starting point is 00:22:27 How do they value that? I think the Ganesh are expensive. They get an expert. Look, it's got a sticker on. I can't see the sticker. I can't, it's probably 20 pounds. Look there, the Ganesh. Right, well anyway, let's go into this other charity shop.

Starting point is 00:22:38 This is Cancer Research. We'll see you in a bit. 150. That's what it says, 150 a bit. 150. Is it? That's what it says, 150, yeah. Wow. Christ. Well, we've picked a few...

Starting point is 00:22:58 Well, I picked the board game up, but that's for a later date. E-Life spotted it. And it's called Smuggle It? Or Just Smuggle? Smuggle. Some kind of smuggling past the customs game for children which is quite unusual isn't it. It was a good price on it. £2. £2 for a classic MB game. Oh I had to snatch it up. So expect to see that in a world you've well spotted. I'm saying to me well spotted. Well well spotted. You

Starting point is 00:23:21 don't congratulate yourself. I'm feeling my own jar-bitch. Cut that, cut that. No, it's too late. Cut that. Do you know what, Paul, I was going to mention? You know there's an Oxfam bookshop here? Yes. That's also a great one. Well, let's have a look.

Starting point is 00:23:35 We've got a few more stops to go and then we have to start heading into town. I have to say, I love Muswell Hill. It's alright, isn't it? Yeah. For what it is. It's got memories for me. You know? Yeah, me too, cos I used to be up the road didn't I from here back in the day.

Starting point is 00:23:49 So you know, we're very fond of this little hamlet. Very much fond of the hamlet. I'm fond of ham as well. And remember, don't trust dogs. You know what pisses me off? What? Calling your fucking restaurant Ratatouille. Oh, Oxfam's closed. Oh, I bet they've...

Starting point is 00:24:10 Let's look in the mirror in the window and see how many things we wish we could buy from it now that's closed. Look, Lego. Lego City, can't go wrong with that. No, it doesn't look that good actually. Ooh, ooh! What? Little houses things.

Starting point is 00:24:23 Little tiny knock-off Lego houses. I want... See what I mean? Oh, little houses things. Little tiny knock-off Lego house things. I want. See what I mean? Oh, you're right, you were right. I fucking told you, didn't I? It's always... I might have to come back up here tomorrow. What's that map of what? The Virgin Islands?

Starting point is 00:24:32 Mondays it's closed apparently. I didn't know it was a Monday closed situation. Not good enough. What about that? That is a painting and embroidery thing. Is it an embroidery painting or is it a painting of embroidery? Look down here you can see the water it's a like a landscape with some trees of mangrove I'd say

Starting point is 00:24:50 but look the water seems to have been painted but the trunk of the trees seem to be done in little art beads yeah like those little embroidered pictures home sweet home pictures yeah that kind of I don't like it good price on that on that, I'll be snapping that up tomorrow. Yeah, alright. To Bobby Dazzler! No shut up. Alright, yeah calm down. Right we are going to go into the other one though which is... All dogs matter. Yeah. But don't trust them. They matter, yes. Doesn't mean you have to trust them. Sticky matter all over your face. All dogs. When a dog comes in your face. Sticky matter. No good. Oh right you're allowed to just sit there and go dog come I'm allowed to say

Starting point is 00:25:28 anything I like true right should we go in here then and then what and then what and then Oxfam bookshop I don't think there's any more down there no and there's that one we'd miss one up there so and then we'll get the bus to town and then we're getting the bus to Covent Garden yeah yeah what's ADL City EV 100% Oh, it's just a bus. It's just fine. I got distracted.

Starting point is 00:25:49 I'm sorry. Do you know the Hell brand energy drink? No. They've got an AI drink. Fuck that. It's called AI. Let's get that. I saw.

Starting point is 00:25:58 Oh, in one of the charity shops. A Pictionary game called Pictionary vs AI. I don't know what the concept was. I bet you have to get an app that's not going to be going next year. Exactly, exactly. Alright, let's go into all dog sticky matter right now and see what we can find. Alright. I love those. Those little Beatrix Potter porcelain. That's 25 quid. What about that nice stack of poker chips?

Starting point is 00:26:23 Nah, they're ten a penny. No, it's 25 quid though. What about that nice stack of poker chips? No, they're ten a penny. No, it's 25 quid actually. Yeah. 25 quid for the whole thing. You can get poker chips anywhere. Oh, I know that. And they're not ten a penny. They're however much you assign in the game of poker you're playing that they're worth.

Starting point is 00:26:37 Well done Eli to over complicate that material. Well, he's going in. I saw a Monty Python thing the other day. Have you heard of the utter history of Britain? Gilliam Jones just before Python. And it's basically all history as if the TV existed. Fuck the Pythons, overwrite a bunch of tofs, fuck them. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying it. Whose relevance died literally at the release of Life of Brian. I'm saying it, I'm saying it. Whose relevance died literally the release of Life of Brighton. There, I'm saying it. Sir Michael Palin.

Starting point is 00:27:06 Sir Michael Palin. They were posh. Sir Michael Pulling the Birds. He had a grotty little flat for Nookie. No he didn't! That's what I'm gonna spot out there. Stop, this is horrendous. Gilliam had a sex dungeon.

Starting point is 00:27:20 I'm going in here. I believe that about Gilliam. I believe that. You two are so nice. Sorry. Sorryologies. See what I mean with him talking too loud. Hmm so a bit of a bust in those shops but we picked up a few little things didn't we? We picked up some things for sure. I got a little something for Ethan so that's a little something. A little something. I've got a little something for you but hopefully I'm going to go to Palmer's Green and get

Starting point is 00:27:51 you some other stuff tomorrow. Yeah, there's a very good chance I might have to look elsewhere for the rest of your Christmas garbage but hey, hey, we've got one more shop who knows. Now a lady in shop said we we're very naughty, loud boys, and like, we're like school boys. And I don't know where she gets that from. And then she apologized though. She said it reminded her of being in school.

Starting point is 00:28:14 Poor woman. It is funny though, it's one of those moments where we go, oh yeah, we're in public doing this. And we have to realize that Eli shouting, dog shot squirgy foot paw paw. I didn't say squirgy. Squirgy foot paw paw. If I'd said squirgy everyone would know about it. Everyone would know. If I'd done squirgy everyone would know about it and also Paul if I smelt squirgy I would know about it.

Starting point is 00:28:36 It's your lucky day mate if you stand behind me. Squirgy! So we're gonna go to our last charity shop. See look the pub here is called the Mossy Well. Why is that? Because it's named after your mum's clutch. Yeah, well, your mum's named after that other pot. A free house. Oh dear. Let's go to that charity shop and then let's go in there for a drink or something. Alright, but quickly, because that's the other thing I was going to say. The other thing we can't do is just piss. Because I need a piss real bad.

Starting point is 00:29:05 We're not in the woods where I would go on a pission impossible. Yeah, we're not there. Or in a house where I would use the toilet. We're not there yet. No, we're not there yet. However, we are in an area with a range of pubs, so we can pop into one, have a little drinky-woo, just a teeny-weeny drinky-woo, and then give the porcelain god our golden tickle. Okay I'm up for tickling the porcelain god with my wee wee.

Starting point is 00:29:30 Which one are we going to now? The one up that road, remember the optician's eyes one or whatever it was. The optician's eyes? Whatever it was called, that charity shop, it was like for people with no eyes or something. Blind people? No, with no eyes. There's a difference. All right. They don't have eyes.

Starting point is 00:29:47 OK, fine. They don't have eyes. They were born without eyes. There was an eye in that woman's leather bag earlier, wasn't there, a little box? It was very funny that that woman who came up to us afterwards, it was like, oh, by the way, dear, you just do what you like.

Starting point is 00:30:00 You have a nice, you do whatever you like. Life's too short. This was the lady who worked in All Dogs Matter. Who embarrassed and humbled us after our outrageous public outbursts. Look at how... Here we go, here is 3, 2, 1, he likes to talk about the view. It looks very Blade Runner-y with the lights in the gloaming, doesn't it? Look there, all the red lights there. Off the top of the buildings in Canary Wharf area, innit?

Starting point is 00:30:27 Yeah, that is Canary Wharf, you're right, yeah. Anyway, right, let's head into this next charity shop. Also, have you noticed that nearly every fucking charity shop's playing the best of ABBA gold at the moment? I really can't stand ABBA. I'm sorry everyone. I'm fine with them, I'm just tired of hearing it. I prefer to hear Mariah Carey, I haven't it once yet oh you should work in radio mate I've heard it like fucking 18 times yesterday obsessed with that song it's the last

Starting point is 00:30:52 modern classic you could argue it's the last big and it wasn't even that much of a hit I don't think when it came out it was here it was it and she's just very Sav Savilly Savilly Jimmy Savilly she's been very sav... savily... savily? Jimmy Savilly. She's been very savvy about getting that into the charts every year and making money off it. Well has she or has like the head of EMI or what? Doesn't matter, she's made coin off that for 30 years, well played. Yes. Good singer. What's that? What's that? It says the hamster butcher and providor.

Starting point is 00:31:22 Providor. Providor. Providor. Providor. Providor. Provider of meat. It's an old school way of saying provider or French way or posh way. Why are they providing? Yeah but that's what the part that says butcher does. No there's other stuff in there look. They've got like salads. Like I'm a groin providor. Are you? Yeah. I need some Croin. Oh, he's rubbing me. Rubbing my Provodore on your thighs. Oh Jesus. I'm tiring of this. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Crispy Top Tipmas. Oh yeah, this is a much better view this one. Amazing. Yeah. The Metropole spreads behind before us like a carpet unrolled by the quince.

Starting point is 00:32:07 Quince and quince. As I say you get good value for money with your views up here. I'll take a shot of that for everyone to see. It's something you can't quite get on a camera in the same way your eyes do, you know it's that. Anyway, we're going to go into our final charity shop of Muscle Hill, it's getting dark already and then we're going to get a cup of tea and us or something and then we're going to go head into town and walk along.

Starting point is 00:32:37 It's very much cheap show, we can get fish and chips for £2 or whatever they do in there. I'm not that self-loathing yet. Right, let's go into this charity shop and then crack on with our day. Vision Foundation. Not a great band but their 80s stuff kind of paled in comparison to their 70s. Ouvra. Ouvra. I don't know where else. What is this? Oh, say Vision Foundation. That's why I said that. Why do you think I said it? Do you think I was just remembering a band then? Well knowing you, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:06 Ooh, it's a Harrods scarf. 25 quid. North Face Jacket, 60 quid. That's not too bad for a North Face Jacket. Why is that a brand? So it doesn't die that brand, does it? It keeps going and going. People buy it for camping or the hiking or they buy it because it's shitty fucking cold

Starting point is 00:33:22 weather at the moment in the UK and why not? I guess. I guess. Shelby 1930s Art Deco porcelain. Oh that's a lovely thing. Yeah it is isn't it, looks like an urn. Looks like an urn you put some of these ashes in doesn't it? Yeah it is an urn. Right in we go.

Starting point is 00:33:38 Have you urned it? Dear. I'm tiring, got a bit of a fishy bit in here. This area closes at 9pm it says, so we're alright. You can't smoke? No you can't smoke. What's the point of that? I don't know. You tell me. I've got a wet bottom. I do as well. We've both got a wet bottom together

Starting point is 00:34:28 that's because we were very naughty and we lined up and someone sploshed their wet jizz on our bums. I'm sorry I'm sorry. You should be because there are thousands of other things that could potentially wet our trouser parts. And unfortunately you went for the... Bin juice? Yeah, like bin juice. I don't know how. Go on, start again. We were both very naughty and we had to bend down and look at a banana and someone was carrying a bin

Starting point is 00:34:55 and a little bird poked the bottom of the bin with its beak and all bin juice came out and made our butts all wet with bin juice. There you go, see, much better, much better. Anyway,inges. There you go, see much better, much better. Anyway, oh God. There you go, just get out of the way, right? Get one out of the way. Hey, hey, that was the other thing, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:35:12 Mm-hmm. Remember we were in that charity shop and there was that bowl with the very racist Chinese stereotype on it and I was like, what is that for, other than to awkwardly buy the charity shop? It was a tenner as well, I think it was like we said the hat I don't know what those hats are called those triangular hats traditional sort of Chinese peasant hats. They're like what working farming Chinese peasants would wear everyone knows the ones I mean yeah that was formed by I'm not doing that Paul

Starting point is 00:35:41 I'm not I'm doing arching my hands as if it's the triangular hat I'm not doing that pull. I'm not I'm doing arching my hands as if it's this the triangular hat I'm not pulling my eyes back I'm doing Paul McCartney. Whoo Whoo Whoo anyway, whoo dear and I think that the hat bit there was a it was a sort of slanted eye Caricature bowl face and the hat was of some kind of colander, it was some kind of kitchen gear probably for making Chinese food but still imagine you had that and the equivalent of a you know a person of colour with the you know those kind of exaggerated it wouldn't

Starting point is 00:36:17 fly but why does it still fly for why do people still allow that? The issue is it's one thing to have it in your house and go, I'm giving this to charity. It's another to be a person a couple of weeks later who goes into a charity and goes, I want that racist stereotype Chinese bowl for my kitchen and I'm gonna be bold as brass and I'm gonna take it to the counter, which to be fair, and did you notice the lady behind the counter was Asian.

Starting point is 00:36:41 So can you imagine the absolute shame of having to buy it from? Well, perhaps the type of person would be some kind of anti-woke idiot who has, for example, a Chinese lady who comes and cleans their house. And they go, hey look what I got! Take your fucking face off! Who knows? But anyway... Or the worst thing, imagine you're a collector of like rare, you know, kitchen tupperware boxes, whatever, and he knows for a fact that that's worth 500 quid. And it's going for you're a collector of like rare you know kitchen tupperware boxes whatever and that he knows for a fact that that's worth 500 quid it's going for $5 and he

Starting point is 00:37:10 knows he can make a mint on eBay but he's gonna have to take it to the counter and buy it in public. Is that when I had to buy that fucking mini tot album? Yes Paul we are in the Mossy Well pub which is a Wetherspoons pub. It is now. Hi. We're not filming. No, we're not filming. Oh, it's not that far then?

Starting point is 00:37:34 Yeah. Yeah, no worries. It's not really a lot of people worrying about us. Oh yeah, that's why we record, it's easier. It's like a police state around here. It is. Why can't we film here? What? Anyway, we're not. That's the point.

Starting point is 00:37:46 Yeah, we're not. This is like Brent Crossopolis. Us apocalypse again. You fucking get me started on that. Anyhow, Paul, before I forget, can I just mention one thing? Do you remember a few episodes ago, I was telling a story about how I was denied a Buldak noodle because it had expired in the shop around you I've located those someone very Graciously online pointed out that the flavor that that one was the brown pack which has a mayo pack inside is

Starting point is 00:38:18 the yakisoba yakisoba is Japanese for stir-fried noodle essentially and they often they often have, you know, the Japanese-style mayo on top. So that would be the sachet in there. I've seen those, and I will be getting them, and we'll be trying those. Do you like that? Do you like a mayo sachet squeezed on top of your hot noodles? Oh, sir, I'm overcome. Was I too angry? Were you too angry with that lady?

Starting point is 00:38:40 No, I was smiling. They must have seen this on the CCTV. What about this muff looks like a camera? I don't understand. Also, I could film you on my fucking phone. Everyone's got one. What's the point? Let me paint a picture.

Starting point is 00:38:55 It's Eli's 50th birthday. All of his friends have turned up to this pub for a good time. And there's the lighting of the cake and the candle and I get me camera out and I want to film this. Lighting of the cake and then the candle. Yes that's exactly what I said and I'm glad you pointed it out. Sorry. So you light up the cake and then you eat the candle. Shut the camera up. Right up your fucking gush hole. Stick it up your dirty gush pipe. I'm enjoying this retail. Anyway look the point is is that what are they going to do? Stop you? Are they going to come up to you and say, excuse me, you can't film this wonderful personal moment

Starting point is 00:39:26 between friends of a friend blowing out the cake. Because what? We'll see the back of the pub, sort of, you know, and it's our pub. Or, I don't understand. Anyway. Who knows? We've got a little drink, you've got a half of Rosie, what's it, Rosie, Bozy, but Dozy, but Nosy. It's called a Rosie Nosy. And it's a little, I don't know what it is, but it's a Christmas themed beer. I don't know what makes it good. Does it have any spicy notes? It's called a rosy nosey and it's a little I don't know what it is but it's a Christmas themed beer. Does it have any spicy notes? It's an ale, like a bitter.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Can I have a little taste? It's not unpleasant. Oh yeah it's like a mild, it's like an ale. Nice. I quite like it. No. It's not like the... Yeah there was another one they had which it didn't have which was called a Scrooge which I would guarantee is some kind of bitter or You know stout kind of thing. It's what it looked like. A porter maybe. A dark beer. But I think that's quite pleasant as beers go. So there I've done the noodle update Any final words you'd like to say? This isn't the end of the episode by the way We've still got to get on a bus next and then go all the way down to Charing Cross for the lights and a walk across the street

Starting point is 00:40:29 I can see some people having some extremely reasonably priced fish and chips inside the pub there It's a Wetherspoons innit owned by that cunt. Don't look too bad that fish and chips and it's probably a very good price on it So but we will exploit everything we can because we live in a time of great austerity as the rich people of this country keep on telling us for close to 15 years now. Longer than that mate, it's been going on forever anyway. We put the UGH in austerity. I put the OOOH in OOOH I've hurt myself. I did one of those where I didn't have any end for that bit. I didn't have a bit. I shouldn't have gone for it.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Let this not ever fucking stop you. It doesn't stop me. It should stop me, shouldn't it? You shouldn't start saying something unless you've got the end of the thing you're about to say. I suffer from that a lot, but the thing is That's my USP. Everyone loves it when they listen to Cheap Show and they go, here's Paul, he's gonna say something and just know what to say next and I bet it goes nowhere. And in fact, I guarantee if I listen for a little bit... You've done it again!

Starting point is 00:41:32 Oh! Now, what was your favourite charity shop? I like the London Hospice, the North London Hospice. It's always bric-a-brac-y and I like that vibe. Good vibe there. There is a man who works in there who also works in Sounds of the Universe records. Never! Yeah, but I think he's obviously volunteering up here.

Starting point is 00:41:52 He must live locally. Is he an older boy? Slightly older. Yeah. With time on his hands. Oh, you've got a little scotch by the way. I've got scotch and water, very nice. He's got you a bells.

Starting point is 00:42:02 Lovely. Christmas bells. Santa drink. Rosie Poses. You've seen Santa. Rosie Minos bells. Bells. Lovely. Christmas bells. Santa drink. Rosie poses. You've seen Santa. Rosie nosy bonosy. I saw Santa again.

Starting point is 00:42:10 I didn't tell you. The same one? Yeah. You were sitting on the side by that church smoking a rollie. Like that. That's what he was up to. That Santa. I was up to him though because he'd go, calm down dear.

Starting point is 00:42:20 You might want him to sit on his lap. Probably. And give me an old Santa boney. Oh Rosie Bozy, but now she can I Santa's Rosie Rosie bony Gona? Bony grown up. Give me a bony grown. I'm just gonna say bony grown up for a while. Welcome to bony grown up Santa's Rosie, but now she goes in my house. He might be Not really worth anything there. Anyway, I Let's just forget it. We can't be loud in this country.

Starting point is 00:42:48 Fascist Britain. You can't even listen, use a recording device. G-R-A-T-E Great Britain. Because it... Greats... Greats at me. C-R-A-T-E. Great Britain because they are boxes. She is incredible, she is all uh, you know what other song they did which is better than you remember it? up, give me your love, baby, give me your love, baby, give me your love, baby, give me your love, baby, give me your love, baby, give me your love, baby, give me your love baby. Give me your they kind of like a like a sub boney M is that what their vibe was like we've got boney M at home vibe

Starting point is 00:43:50 African emigres to France I believe they were from one of the those because France had a bunch of Colonies didn't they cook them. They're watching. Yeah, it's for a camera Oh look, there's express dairy logo on the back of here. Did it used to be a milk house? Did it used to make milk house? A dairy? You did it again! You did it again! Come on look, let's go to the milk house! You've got this way of like, when you don't know the exact term, to go for this sort of

Starting point is 00:44:19 simplified like, you know, like a library would be like a book house, you know what I mean? Like it's a simple, if use that that naming convention with everything it would be how simple think how simple everything would be It would be very simple. Meat house. I'm gonna get some sausages from the meat house Oh, don't forget to go to the food house is the supermarket. That's too general though I'd have to call it food food warehouse. I Got to go piss. I think that's going to happen now. I'm going to finish me rosy nosey and then I'm going to drain the old big old beast.

Starting point is 00:44:53 I'm going to whip the old big old beast out. It's going to go flonk. It's going to go flonk on the porcelain. Does it touch the porcelain? Do you have to give it a wipe? My balls touch the fucking porcelain these days. I often worry about what objectively the world sees when I'm naked. Like if I could take yourself out of my body when I'm having a shower

Starting point is 00:45:15 and I'm looking at myself naked, would I cry if I saw me? Yeah, you might. I certainly don't like the look of me. A little while ago, me and my partner were playing around and she was playing with my torch and she shone it through my very see-through Ghostbusters pyjama bottoms, right? And it caught the shadow outline of my ball bag and cast it onto the wall like the bat signal and it was the tragic thing because it was like really low hanging walls. That's just going to get worse. And that's not what they don't tell you when you're a thing because it was like really low hanging walls.

Starting point is 00:45:45 That's just going to get worse. And that's not what they don't tell you when you're a kid. It's like puberty tactics. That is not what they don't tell you. It is not what they tell you. It is. It's not what they tell you but it's not what they don't tell you. It isn't what they don't tell you.

Starting point is 00:45:56 No that's too much. Now they tell you it if they do that. Either way they don't tell you when you're young that your balls will make a beeline to your knees when you get to your 40s. Paul, I don't know what kind of education you had, but... 8pm, PE, 9 o'clock, history, 2 in the afternoon, ball dangling. So they did tell you? Ball dangling 101.

Starting point is 00:46:18 They did tell you? Yeah, they did. Because I did have, it was a short lesson. Yeah. And it was called, Your Balls Will Dangle. Can we stop talking now? Paul, they definitely, oh, my point was on a serious note, they definitely did. I definitely didn't hear stuff as I was growing up about how my balls would dangle later.

Starting point is 00:46:35 I never heard that. You know, it's like comedians would do it, like how hairy noses and so forth. Oh, I didn't watch that. Do your balls hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Or you'll never be a sail. Do your balls hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling?

Starting point is 00:46:48 Or you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low? Why can't you be a sailor? I don't know, ask the fucking songwriter. Who wrote that song? Alfred Pree Pop-a-top-top, alright? I'm gonna go for a piss and then we're gonna get the bus. I'm not sitting out here to be abused by the staff of this weather spitz. No smoking, no cameras, what do you do?

Starting point is 00:47:05 You don't drink smoke, smoke, what do you do? Why would you have an outside place and no smoking? I don't understand it. Because this is Muddle Hill and the people here are a little bit... Bet you can go out the front and smoke. Yeah you can, that's why I saw loads on the side. The old woodbines. No one smokes those anymore.

Starting point is 00:47:22 In my head they all do. Right, so we're going to wrap this up and then we're going to get on the bus and go to Covent Garden where we'll see the Christmas lights and look at Oxford Street in full Christmas shopping bloom. Go on, buy. To end on? Yeah, to end on. We've got a lot to do, let's keep going. I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 00:47:46 little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 00:48:02 little bit of a little bit of a a bit of a blowy if you offer it. Oh, the nilly shappy pads. Right, sorry. We're walking down the steps at Camden Town. Is this just Camden Station? Camden Town Station. Right. The other one's Camden Road, right? That's right.

Starting point is 00:48:31 Right. So I nearly fucking kicked off at this man. This fucking old man, right? Not an old man, like 50s maybe, 60s. R age. Bit older. But anyway, he was trying to use his smartwatch to pay to get through the banister, but it wasn't working Yeah, actually that's the baluster

Starting point is 00:48:54 Yeah, anyway, yeah anyway, and it's not working and so he rather than like step out the way He just kind of twists his wrist and he's trying to get his wrist on it. And it's like, it's not working, mate. Can you step aside? There's like loads of people refused to listen to me. And then I went, excuse me. He then put his watch away and then got his phone out and I thought I'd just swipe his phone on it.

Starting point is 00:49:17 And then that wasn't working. And I was like, use your fucking card. Use your fucking card, you fucking fucker. Are we going south? Yeah, we're going south. You got my information? Via Charing Cross or bank? It's bank, isn't bank? It's bank, innit? It's bank.

Starting point is 00:49:32 Oh yeah, okay, Glaston Square. So, hang on, there's a sign. Yeah, but there's one nearer. Via Charing Cross. So there's one on platform four in two minutes. Oh so anyway we're heading now down to Charing Cross. Went to Wendy's. And you had the French onion burger cheeseburger which was good and I recommended. This is bank don't get on it. So we're on the platform and yeah it's highly recommended for Mr. Silverman I can say it was a recommendation worth investigating. It was tasty tasty very very tasty. French stewed onions. They're not stewed they're sort of sweated or whatever. They're caramelized slightly.

Starting point is 00:50:18 Very salty, very umami. Umami. Don't say that. Oh my dear, I just realised why you said don't say that. Yeah, I wasn't doing it that way though, honest. I wasn't doing it in that way. There's more Italian I was thinking in my head. Umama. You know like that? Anyway, one minute till the train comes and then, god shut up. Oh it's coming in. Anyway I've stopped recording, I just wanted to get that off my chest, that man with his fucking wristwatch. Yeah, it's just like ready

Starting point is 00:51:01 because we're heading into central London. It's gonna be endless, endless, endless bastards. Endless bastards! There we go, we're getting on. Why would you really be... Right, we're getting on. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. We finally escaped the madness and the asylum of the underground and here we

Starting point is 00:51:29 are in Seven Dials, the heart of Covent Garden. Would you agree or is that a statement not to make? I think it definitely is the heart of Covent Garden isn't it? Where else? Well the Covent Garden market itself, where they used to have... Hangings. No, they used to have veg, didn't they? Oh yeah, true.

Starting point is 00:51:47 It was veg and flowers. Lavender, lovely lavender. That kind of shit, innit? That kind of stuff, yeah. You will buy my roses. You could call that the centre of Covent Garden, but Seven Dials definitely has a shout. I like it. It has a chance to be called... and there's a parasol like lighting.

Starting point is 00:52:07 Do you know why it's called Seven Dials? There are seven streets going off it. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven. Yeah. But why dials and not, why is it called seven streets? Perhaps dials is an old fashioned word for like signposts or something like that. We'll check that in the break and get back to you. I'm going to do that now. That's actually fascinating. I never thought of that. Look up where Seven Dials gets its name from

Starting point is 00:52:31 and report back. Wait, I'll do the voice thing so you've got to be quiet for a second. Well that's not good podcasting is it? Well we all make it Paul, we've done it for nine years. Oh God. Oh don't shout at the tour just because they spent 20 quid on a fucking rickshaw playing Mariah Carey for the 18th time. How did 7 dials get its name? I don't know why you have to put that kind of weird spin on the inflection. Understood me. I know that's the thing. Sun dial pillar in the centre of the area so it's seven roads from the sun dial, you know it's sort of a... This is a sun dialy kind of thing isn't it? Yes. It's a oh no there's you can see the dial blade yeah I know at the top you see the clock face yeah see that dial blade so it's still a sundial yeah

Starting point is 00:53:11 yeah won't get much sun this time of bloody year now will you bloody hell in this country full stop by a lot of... In this country bloody hell yeah... You're too close to it now you're booming it out I'm having fun... Let me place them off nearest to your phase which is acceptable for chitter-chatter you don't need to put your gob around it... What about chun-chun-tah? booming it out. I'm having fun. Let me place the muff nearest to your face which is acceptable for chitter chatter. You don't need to put your gob around it. What about Chunter? Your mum's gunter hole. You bring up my mum's gunter hole one more time. I will literally push you in it. I'll rub your face in my mum's gunter hole. I'll make you smoke a whole pack of my mum's Gunter rolls. Pal Mouse.

Starting point is 00:53:48 Anyway erm. No she is a bit pal down there. Blue waffle. No I've got nothing. It's a blue waffle. Here we go. So what's happening now Paul? Well now we're going to walk from Seven Dowers, Regent Street, Oxford Circus, all the way

Starting point is 00:54:02 to Hyde Park. We're going to walk to Hyde Park from here? Yeah. So I look at the route? Yeah, look at the route. And we're going to take in all the Christmas lights and the shopping and admire it and all that kind of shit until we get bored and end this episode early.

Starting point is 00:54:17 So that's the plan. Because we've done shopping for the day. I think we've got enough now for the, you know, you haven't seen everything or heard everything we've done. And I'm sorry I refuse to film. It's a 40 minute walk. Yeah, that's about right. Alright, you're okay for that. 40 minutes. We'll go that way. Bish bosh bing bong diddle diddle oodah diddle eddle dada ling dong dong

Starting point is 00:54:33 Ooh ooh ooshie oosh ooshie ooshie ooshie do edderman Yes Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, years. Tim Minchin who is dining out on that isn't he? He is. What is Matilda? It's based on the book. Yeah but what happens in the book? The adults are horrendous. She's a gifted child and all the adults are horrible and it's got a very long story short. Imagine Carrie but with a happy ending. It was one of his laser novels, Dalt, because I never read it. My dad read all of them, including Boy, his autobiography and stuff. It's one of my favourite books of his, we've both at the same time. We're just recording something. We do a podcast, so this is Out and About, talking bullshit.

Starting point is 00:55:33 I am so sorry that you have to listen to this. We were told off once already for being too loud, so I thought you were going to do that. We were going to get tired of people telling us off on the street for being rowdy. I'm sitting here laughing actually. Oh dear. Very, very good. What's the name of it? I just said you've been quite quiet.

Starting point is 00:55:49 That makes a change. What's the name of your podcast? It's called Cheap Show. Cheap Show? And it's also to going to charity shops or doing things for basically nothing. Okay. I love it. What we try.

Starting point is 00:56:00 Although apologies in advance, because it's an unhinged show, as you may have... A little bit of bad language on the... Sorry. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. There you go. It's very funny so far. advance because it's an unhinged show as you may have... A little bit of bad language on the... Sorry? What's it called? Cheap Show. Cheap Show? There you go. It's very funny so far. I've just been listening and I'm like they've got to be doing something because they're

Starting point is 00:56:12 just so entertaining with each other. We never talk like this in real life. Oh I'm going to blush now. Cheap as in? As in inexpensive. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like a play on peep show, cheap show? More like creep show,

Starting point is 00:56:26 the horror film, it's all the same kind of business. Anyway, but anyway we're gonna... Follow your podcast. Well we apologize in advance for anything that may upset you in the meantime. All right, we'll enjoy your time here, take care. Right, let's get walking. We've got a route to go. What is it about... I keep forgetting that we do this in public sometimes. We've got rapport. I think that's quite cheering. We get well bored of each other and everything, don't we? Well, no, here's the thing. Familiarity breeds contempt, it's that whole thing. And I have lots of contempt for you.

Starting point is 00:57:02 I'm seething with contempt. Barely below the surface. Foaming at the tip of my cheesy, flawless helmet. That has made me happy. It's made me realize that, yes, OK, we're not James A. Castor or Henry Widdicombe or whatever. We still are professionals. And people like us. Just because we're not fucking The fucking the news quiz or have I got

Starting point is 00:57:25 boring news for you. Have I got tropey comedy for you? Oh there's Neil's Yard's Dairy mate. Neil's Yard's Dairy? You mean, no you mean Neil's Yard's Milkhouse? It's a cheese house mate. Have I I've got a recorder though. You did? Yeah I did. It's got a lot of colour in this week's episode of The Public. Look how much a whole Stilton will set you back. 165 quid. It's like that size.

Starting point is 00:57:54 What would you do with it? Keep it for several months. Years. Give it to all of your guests at Christmas. How long can you keep cheese like that for? In prime conditions before you throw it out? It depends because if you keep it they come the rind acts as a seal do you see what I mean in a lot of cheeses so once you've broken into the rind I think it's only got a certain amount of time. But you can, cheese does keep it for a long time

Starting point is 00:58:19 because it's essentially off already and you can you know if you've got moldy cheese in the fridge or whatever yeah you can just slice the mold and then it's fine inside this way the gooey niceness inside is still fine yeah but that's Neil's yard that's who's there people do you remember there was a big cheese heist earlier this year I vaguely remember the mate it was everywhere talking about stealing loads of cheese it was them that got their cheese stolen. Ocean's Emmental. Ocean's Guri... That's alright, Ocean's Emmental.

Starting point is 00:58:49 Anyway... What other heist films are there? Quick, give me them. Erm... Oh, there's a car separating us now. The Italian job. And the Parmigiano job. The Italian cheese job. Right, okay, let's get this walk on because between here and...

Starting point is 00:59:04 Are you even going in the right way? Yeah, because we go this way and it takes us up towards Leicester Square and then we go up towards Regent Street that way. Let me just see. Let me just see. We're doing it the Eli's way. Right, we'll see you in a bit anyway because there's not much between here and there to talk about. We're just asking for even contempt for each other. I swear. I am one far away from an accident. Mate, I told you we would have to deal with this. You know what, how sick this has got?

Starting point is 00:59:29 You actually cultivate needing a shit for the comedic effect it will have. And that's not good news, man. It's a psychological minefield. Oh, I like that shirt. I like that shirt with the dead skulls and the thing on. It's like tattoo art. Yeah, I like that. Did you see that guy and the thing on. It's like tattoo art.

Starting point is 00:59:45 Yeah, I like that. Did you see that guy on the bus? No, oh, he had... Like all the tattoos and a black eye tattoo. He had like a skull, face tattoo. He looked like that. Yeah, no, half his face was done like it to be a skull. And the eye on that side, he had a jet black...

Starting point is 00:59:59 Is he gangster or something? No, no, punk. A jet black contact lens that made his eye look all black. Oh, I didn't know it was like that, because he was looking at something that's on his back. On that side. I think he's just a Camden punk who used to make, you know, there's all those people who sort of make money

Starting point is 01:00:13 with taking their photos with tourists up on the bridge. We should do that. We should do that. We should hang around Camden. We should take their photos with us. We look like relatively ordinary blokes. Mate, take a brick to my mouth and draw my my face with a beard and pen and then we'll just say oh.

Starting point is 01:00:28 I mean I can do the first part if you want. See that all day mart American caddy store, do you know what that used to be? Coffee shop. That was Forbidden Planet. It used to be there. Oh back in the day before it moved by the road there to its bigger premises. I used to love it there though, it was a proper comic shop then, you know, not just a toy store with some comics or whatever. Yeah, boo! You don't care!

Starting point is 01:00:49 No, I don't give a two shits. Right, let's crack on. There's a free bar? Don't tell him that, please. Right, we're walking, we're not going into a Pepsi pop-up snow, snow, snow hole. They've got artificial snow, you can have a snowball fight and there's a free bar. Let's start a TikTok while we're at it and fuck a pimp. Fuck a pimp. I don't know what I was saying. No, you never did.

Starting point is 01:01:38 It's one of my famous can't end a sentence, humorous asides that everyone loves me for. Tell everyone where we are. We are right now on Bateman Street, named after actor Jason Bateman, star of Ozark and Teen Wolf 2. It's actually named after Patrick Bateman, the character from American Psycho. Either way, it's based on a good looking psychopath. Yeah, you could say they both were good looking psychopaths. We are walking down this now through Soho

Starting point is 01:02:09 because we're gonna pop out the other side hopefully on the regions of streets do you think we're gonna traumatize that poor American lady when she actually listens to the show absolutely all right well we did warn her you warned her I did say I apologize in advance for our content. And I said something about bad language as well. Yeah. So, you know... Dog and duck, yeah? Dog and duck. I've never been to dog and duck.

Starting point is 01:02:32 It's like an old school Soho boozer. I've been to the dogs and dick. I've been to dicks by a dog. I've been to the duck's dick. I've been up a duck's arse and dicks by a dog. See, this is what we do. We find the sentence and then we ruin it by just slapping a dick in it. I mean, I've been ruining things

Starting point is 01:02:50 by slapping a dick in my whole life. It never stops, Paul. It never stops. It never stops. The dicking never stops. And that's a promise. The dicking never stops, cheap show. Right, so we're walking through Soho now.

Starting point is 01:03:04 No, you're talking about Green Park. Are you talking about Green Park? I'm not through Soho now. No you're talking about Green Park. Are you talking about Green Park? I'm not talking about any park. What are you talking about? Where we're going? We're coming out on Regent Street and then we'll follow the curve of Regent Street up to Oxford Circus and then along Oxford. That's not Hyde Park. I'm sorry. I know. To be all correcty but that isn't Hyde Park then. I know, but we're not going to that. We're walking all the way along towards Marble Arch. And that's where we, that's where Winter Wonderland is. That's where Hyde Park is, yes. Yes.

Starting point is 01:03:34 So we're going to walk down Oxford Street. That's what we're doing. I thought I made that abundantly clear, but apparently a peckerhead brain like you can't figure that out. Ooh, get you. You know what what you made it abundantly clear. Abundantly clear more like. That's exactly what I just said. That's exactly what I just said. You're just doing this now?

Starting point is 01:03:52 I'm just doing that now. Oh dear. Yeah because it shuts you up and you get angry and sullen so that's why I do it. I like this little cobbly street, it's one of my favourite cobbly streets in London. Which one? Number one? Number one? Number one that was used as the exterior of Toast of London's flat in Toast of London. Oh the Matt Berry thing yeah which was alright. It was patchy. It's patchy it has some wonderful moments but I think it's overall very patchy. The

Starting point is 01:04:20 quality seemed to go further down with that one. There you go. It's a nice exterior isn't it? Not that any working voiceover actor would be able to afford to live there. Not his failed career of a thing. It's like the Friends flat, isn't it? They couldn't afford that in New York at those rates. Those rates. Also Paul, I saw...

Starting point is 01:04:41 The Golem, what's he called that guy? Golem? The guy who played Golem. Andy Serkis? I saw him here. What doing? He was just getting a bike. A blowjob?

Starting point is 01:04:50 No, not on the street, he wouldn't do that. Why not? One observation about Andy Serkis, he's a very small person. Tiny man. Tiny man? Well you're a tiny man. I know. You have a lot in common.

Starting point is 01:05:03 Yes, I should have gone up to him and gone, I'm tiny too. Get me in the movies, will you? And you've both got a very precious ring. Parents, Italian. That doesn't work. It does. It does. Why?

Starting point is 01:05:14 Is my ring precious? I've sully it every day. What's Gollum's real name? He has a name before Gollum. Er, Schmiegel. Schmiegel. Eli Schmiegelman. That was her nickname.

Starting point is 01:05:23 I had been called Schmiegel. I'm bringing it back. 2025. The Schmiegelman. Schmiegelman. That was a nickname I had been called Schmiegel. I'm bringing it back. It's a good nickname isn't it? 2025, the Schmiegelman. Schmiegelman Silverman. Yeah, it's got a bit of sass to it. It's a legitimate nickname that I will accept. Schmiegel.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Salt Bae. Or Schmee, for short. Schmee. Schmee. So next time you see Eli in the street, shout out as loud as you can, Oi, fucking Schmiegelman. He'll like that. I like that sandwich bar, I used to go there before gigs. That used to be the Intrepid Fox, didn't it? That one on the corner. Bar Bruno's still there though, it's still very good value. They do spaghetti, all that stuff. Cook breakfast, lovely. It's lovely now.

Starting point is 01:06:00 It's one of the few things that I hope never leaves London completely, the old greasy spoon. I know and it is one of the few remaining, but it does remain. Good, I hope it remains for a long, long time. Gosh, comic book shop there. Iceberg and remain lettuce. Insert context of pun joke here. Er, I'll think of one. Er, oh, we've done it already. I was going to say, what did you vote for the big lettuce?

Starting point is 01:06:22 I voted Romaine. Good gag. Good,. That's genuinely good gag. Yes, but oh, I don't think much of so hose lights They just seem to be like shitty. They are shitty. We're on Brewer aren't we now? Again, this is change since my day. It should be a little pokey backstreet with market stores on it Well, they do still have the market every day. They do but you can tell like all these shops have been gutted and re-evaluated because there used to be that party shop didn't there Ria? Where you could buy wigs and shit. So Hi So Ho, that's still here.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Let me just take a picture of these. Reasonably, oh they moved across the road. Yeah and they don't do head shop stuff anymore. They used to have like Rizzlers and pipes and you know that kind of stuff. Ah cunts. Let me just take a picture of these awful lights. They're on purpose. That is- Are they though? Yes. Of course they are. I don't believe it. Those are like old school. I think that's someone's best work. No, that's not. Because they're friends of someone in the media. That is not, that is ironic. That's an ironic reindeer. Why would you want to put ironic Christmas lights up? It's funny isn't it? I'm not laughing.

Starting point is 01:07:24 I like these. I'm like the average listener to this podcast. It's not very funny, is it? I like those. There's Christmas cake. You know where you are with them. There's a snowman up there, they're great. I just think some, like there's been more effort than others. And I think the ones that are poor let the side down

Starting point is 01:07:42 and take away the Christmas festivities, frankly. You're just being contemptuous for no reason. No I'm not. Contrary. No I'm not. Right, oh wind. Mr. Fancy Pancy ordering a proper Christmas tree. Oh yeah. No I agree.

Starting point is 01:08:00 But apparently my girlfriend will not have, will not have a fake tree in the house. Well it leeches out Jesus, doesn't it, somehow. Because it pisses Jesus off if you don't buy a Christmas tree. It pisses him off. What's that broadwick stew? There's an elephant and two elephants with mint pie hands. This is an elephant stew broadwick. Those are quite cool, aren't they, take a shot of that. Yeah, take a picture of that. And here's an idea for you. Put it in focus as well when you take a picture.

Starting point is 01:08:24 Just, it's just like you said. Look at the Put it in focus as well when you take a picture. Just, it's just like you said. Look at the contempt. I'm just saying, take a good picture. Just make sure it's in focus, mate. I do, remember that one that was a transcendently beautiful photo I took of you? The exception that proves the rule. Isn't it?

Starting point is 01:08:37 That's what I'm getting at here. Listen, mate, a lot of people like my photography. Yeah, blind people and idiots. You're such a piece of shit, man. I'm not a piece of shit. I'm a cynical, miserable people and idiots. You're such a piece of shit. I'm not a piece of shit, I'm a cynical miserable man who didn't get what he wanted earlier in life and so is bitter about it now. Is that in focus enough for you? Get the whole sign in. Get a bit of Joe DeViva in. That's it. I've taken three shots, they're all in focus.

Starting point is 01:09:00 You'll be the judge of that because you'll see the pictures on Instagram or on our website thecheapshot.co.uk Oh, we've got badges. Can you want to tell them about badges? We popped into Forbidden Planet and there was cheap badges so we got... Cuphead The Devil from Cuphead. It's a lovely badge. It's a lovely badge. I like the Cuphead. And two quid is a good price. I love the Cuphead badges. I like the aesthetic and the design.

Starting point is 01:09:21 I've got the dice and I've got this now. I've got... The Cupman. Oh, you have the Cupman as well. I've got the Cupman and. I've got the dice and I've got this now. I've got the cup man. Oh you have the cup man as well. I've got the devil man. Oh look we're going past Soho Radio where we sometimes are called with guests and stuff. And you do your Soho Radio show don't you? I did yesterday, there was a problem with the internet though. Sorry apologies anyone who tried and listened.

Starting point is 01:09:38 But there's a back catalogue of great past episodes on Mixcloud. Just look for Eli Silverman's House of Pickle Sound or something. Oh it's obviously working again. Who's in there right now? past episodes on Mixcloud. Just look for Eli Silverman's House of Pickle Sound or something. Oh, it's obviously working again. Who's there? Who's in there right now? Someone's doing something. Press your ass against the window, go on. I think he's doing a pre-record.

Starting point is 01:09:54 Fair enough. He's got no producer? No producer. Oh, he's living by the edge. You know what? Did you recognise someone? What? I might go and take a piss. Oh, that's a good idea. Because I've got my bloody...

Starting point is 01:10:06 We'll go and do it then? Shall we do that? Yeah, right go on. Right, we're going to take a piss at Soho Radio. Oh, it's good to be the king. Right, well, I have to get out of here because I left a basic crime scene back there. Because I didn't expect to need to do something more urgent than a tinkle. I knew it was... listen this has been foreshadowing the whole episode

Starting point is 01:10:33 but at least you didn't have an incident like I had in Camden town when we walked the Regents canal. It was nice, clean, private, smells nice smells nice. Well it did smell nice. It won't ever again probably but there'll be a lingering... If we go back next week and there's police tape over that door I would not be surprised. I've been there and I've gone down there and someone has destroyed the whole bottom placement. Now I left it clean and left no markings or stains or evidence however... The smell is what stains the mind. Eww mate. Hey that's good that. The stain is what smells, the smell is what stains the mind.

Starting point is 01:11:10 There you go Tony, put it on a t-shirt for us, print and repeat. But mate, I just want to put... I feel better. Good. Because there were moments where... You're thinking of farting and you're scared to because you don't want to shit yourself. And there was a very wet moment earlier in the episode that I was genuinely worried. Something had gone

Starting point is 01:11:27 wrong? I'd basically done an impression of James Bond's car trying to get rid of baddies by dropping oil slicker behind. What do you think of these Ugg shoes? Uggly. Really? With the blue sole? They put the Ugg in Uggly. Like Birkenstocks? No I don't like any of these shoes. I like those felt Birkenstocks. I mean it's fine I guess if you... I mean what I'm wearing are ugly trainers but they're also like ten pounds from Aldi so I don't give two shits. Oh I like those. Actually yeah no I like those. Anyway we're not a trainer show. No we're a poo podcast. We fell over everyone. We're up Carnaby Street now, let's not, let's not. I just wanted to say, yeah Carnaby, let's go round.

Starting point is 01:12:08 All I wanted to say was now that I've dropped toffee I feel much lighter on my feet and honestly re-energise. You're floating along. Oh have you had that cat thing when a cat takes a poo and then it gets anal stimulation or whatever? Yeah, mad for it. You know what the problem is Paul? What? It's raining. It's only a little bit, we might get through it. I don't for it. You know what the problem is, Paul? What? It's raining. It might, it's only a little bit.

Starting point is 01:12:26 We might get, we might get through it. I don't like it. You don't like any, we don't like anything. We don't like anything. We don't like each other. No, we love each other really. We wouldn't do it for nine years if we didn't. I mean, Carnaby Street's Carnaby Street, isn't it really?

Starting point is 01:12:43 Let's avoid it. But you can avoid it. Well you have to walk down all of Oxford Street. Yeah but we can avoid that if we get pissed off. So I just want to take some pictures of the street and go Oh look Christmas! We're going to end our at Hyde Park. Yeah we're not going to go into Winter Wonderland because

Starting point is 01:12:56 A. It will do our head in B. It's too expensive. And it's already 7 o'clock! And yeah and I've got to go home and have a rumbly And all the way back to Harrah. And have a wath, a bath and wash my... What?

Starting point is 01:13:06 A wa bath. A wa bath. A wa bath, a wank. A wank in the bath. Yes, in the... well, a bit too much for you. I'm going to make a... Little floaty bubbles. What's that soup you get from Wagamama's with bits in?

Starting point is 01:13:21 It's like that. What was my seed? You mean like from a Chinese restaurant? Yeah. Sweet corn, crab meat and sweet corn. Yeah. Tell me about it mate. Egg drop soup. Tell me about it mate. That's what the boy looked like before I just left at Soho radio. Anyone order egg drop soup? Anyway, let's get back onto the road. We'll come back to you in a bit. We've just got to get, oh it's crowded here. Let's just get through it. let's get back onto the road, we'll come back to you in a bit. We've just got to get... Oh, it's crowded here. Let's just get through it. We're going to go right here.

Starting point is 01:13:50 Yeah, up and right. Dear London Rickshaw drivers at the Christmas period, there are more songs than Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You. I would like to just state that politely and with respect. Yes, but you know what, if you encourage them to play something else, you know what they'll play? Last Christmas. And last Christmas, funnily enough, it was like I was being fucking stalked by one of them. You could hear it coming round the corners everywhere you went, you know what I mean? Just sitting there, man you're obviously, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

Starting point is 01:14:44 3D effects. Yeah, the presence. We would have to pay. Take a picture of it so people who are listening can go, oh I understand what he's saying. Right, so we're on Oxford Street now, we've just crossed over the major intersection by the station. Central line for those who wish to know. Of course the other lines go through it but the central line is the major one. And now we're going to walk all the way down. We'll toss this off, you won't have to hear too much of it. What are you saying about me? Just that you are incredibly well endowed and one of the most generous millionaires on the planet. And talented. Nah, I specifically didn't say that bit.

Starting point is 01:15:20 So we're going to be here tonight when we're doing night busing. We just passed through Oxford Circus. Yes, Patreon people. So you know, night busing's coming for Christmas. You'll get it before the big day, before Jesus' big day, you'll get that. Cool, look, there's another. This is where you get all the vinyl toys from Korea and so forth. Which I still don't get the appeal of a toy that is basic, looks like shit, takes up valuable resources and then just stick on yourself for years.

Starting point is 01:15:49 Yeah but what are you going to do? Land fill. Oh what's this? John Lewis the great big white balls on the outside this year. They look nice actually. Eli and Paul review the shop Christmas shop fronts. Now I like big white balls. Oh look they've got, it looks like spunk. Now I like big white balls.

Starting point is 01:16:05 Oh look they've got, it looks like spunk. It does look like spunk. I've got to have a shot. It looks like spunk! Alright mate, again we are in public and three women just looked at you with concern because a full Sparrowman shouted it looked like spunk out loud. I'm really scared of getting my phone snatched. Well don't come over here, I'm behind you. It does look like spunk. I don't know who decided. Look, even if that's true, it's obviously not.

Starting point is 01:16:33 We should explain, there's a projection, a light show, projected on the side of John Lewis here on Oxford Street. And you took a picture so you can see that, can't you? And unfortunately it looks like someone's just arcing big rivulets have come down the side of a building. Is it meant to be snow? It looks too liquid. But you're right, it's too liquid to be snow. It looks too gloopy to be snow. To a trained eye, to my trained eye, that's very much a spunk thing. Is that Cavendish? That's where the Phoenix is where we did some early gigs in our career.

Starting point is 01:17:02 We've gone past it, it's round the back of that but yeah effectively. Anyway, we're at the crossing. Right, so here we go. Oh, we're going to get some shelter if we walk under the John Lewis... Yeah, and you can see what the toys are. Oh, it's an advent calendar with automated doors. Opening and closing with all the things you can buy here. Lilo and Stitch. Penguin.

Starting point is 01:17:24 Plushies. Marvel. There's the Hulk and Captain America. closing with all the things you can buy here. Lilo and Stitch, Penguin, T-Rex, Marvel, Captain America, Lego, Reindeer down there, Christmas trees, all the classics. What's happening is you can see the Pistons are like that, that is opening these oversized Advent Calendar doors. You're going to take a picture of that now as well?

Starting point is 01:17:40 I mean I can take a picture if you want. Oh yeah, I'm never in pictures. I mean I could take a picture if you want. Oh yeah I'm never in pictures. Here's us. Now I don't know it's it's moved it's been rolled down the hill. Why is there loud music? What's this? What's going on? It's too loud. I mean, I get it. It's just too loud. We're going to have to come back to you. It's too loud. Motherfucking hell, I can't hear nothing. The thing is, is that reeks of, you better do this or we'll... Are they even busking or are they just celebrating?

Starting point is 01:18:36 No, I think they are busking. Because what else are you doing? Maybe just having a nice sing outside. What's this? Start. The start. Projector on the ground. Our foot movements. Like a dance thing. But how you meant it what? I'm overwhelmed Eli right now aren't you? It's a sensory overload down here. Not in a good way. No fucking knows, eh? Is that Margot Robbie? No, it's Robert Margot.

Starting point is 01:19:08 Look at me, it's if that was funny. Well, I didn't commit to that. You had a real look. Come on. You were proud of yourself or something? I'm never proud of myself, but I do long for a good laugh. I'm not a good laugh. I'm a good laugh. I'm a good laugh. You had a real look right on your ear! Come on! You were proud of yourself or something?

Starting point is 01:19:26 No, I'm never proud of myself but I do long for a... I do long for a... Effective pun? Yeah. Pants there. Not in... Palsadonia. It's Swarovski.

Starting point is 01:19:38 It doesn't look like it sells pizza at all. What's this? Swarovski? I don't get the appeal of Swarovski. Isn't it just shit class? It's glass, yeah. It's custom jewellery. Why are you buying though? It's custom jewellery. Yeah, we can get that from fucking any... I can get that from Zara if you wanted it.

Starting point is 01:19:53 I guess it's a better quality of custom jewellery. I got my... Is there someone else passing you now? Yeah. What's this? Where am I hearing this? What the fuck is going on down here? I don't like it. It's like Blade Runner or something isn't it? No it's more like David Lynch. It just feels really unworldly. Here we're walking down Oxford Street, going to get to Marvel Arch. Marvel Arch.

Starting point is 01:20:28 I was going to say Marvel Arch Corner, but it's not, is it? It's just Marvel Arch. Well listen, I think we've been recording for enough. We'll come back in a bit, alright? Yeah, we're going up past Selfridges. Yeah, so we'll give you our opinion on the Selfridges window when we get there. Oh, there was something I wanted from Selfridges. Some kind of American food product. Oh do you want to pop in? Yeah. Oh god, alright. It's not very cheap if we go to Selfridges is it? No. Alright, anyways, see you in a bit. We'll see if it's too crowded. Yeah, we'll see. Oh Disney Store, we're not going in there. Right, so here we are at Marble Arch corner. What are they doing to Marble Arch? Are they cleaning it? Because it's all been wrapped up.

Starting point is 01:21:33 Yeah, there's a big H&M hat on it now. Which is not what we needed. I think they're probably giving it a clean, giving it a bit of a spruce, giving it a little bit of a tidy up. A little bit of a... A bit of a splosh, dish-dosh, splosh, splosh. Metaphorically speaking, Marble Arch is wiping its dick on the curtains. Ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 01:21:50 Certainly unique points to praise. You know what I mean? That's what they pay me for on this podcast. Anyway, we got... I love it stuff like that. We got... Oh, green trippy bus! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Oh, yeah, what is that? That's strobing me out, man. It's strobing me out, dude.

Starting point is 01:22:03 What? Who designed that? It's not in service, but it is green. Is it a tour bus? It must be, yeah. What is that strobing me out man? It's strobing me out dude. Who designed that? It's not in service but it is green. Is it a tour bus? It must be yeah. What is that? Hop on hop off London? Yeah golden tours. I don't like that green.

Starting point is 01:22:13 I don't like that green. It's too, it's too, am I about to tron out kind of vibe. Vectrex, just like a Vectrex bus. We walked up past, no no no before Selfridges, and looked in their window. He's off, he's just walked ahead. Come here, you're going too far. So we went past Selfridges. Windows, I'm going to give, 6 out of 10.

Starting point is 01:22:39 You didn't like them, did you? No, I thought they were underwhelming and just basically glitz and chintz. Yes, so there was one display which was like anime themed, but then they just had this kind of basic looking silver jewellery and it didn't really fit with the theming. But there was others that were kind of glitter caves, kind of 70s, almost like a 60s Bieber sort of Art Nouveau. It wasn't great, you're right. It wasn't magical. It was kind of weirdly conservative in some respects. It was a little bit conservative and then we went past H&M was it? Yeah they had a big snowman in a snow globe and I thought that was delightful. And it had several snowmen made of glitter balls. You see for me mirror balls strictly speaking. Well why are they called mirror balls? If you're going to correct me on every single thing. I'm happy to be corrected.

Starting point is 01:23:22 I'm going to correct you. Glitter balls. Mirror to be correct you glitter balls mirror balls oh yeah sorry yeah mirror balls that's cool the whole thing off what's a glitter ball like a glittery one yeah like more glittery glitter bomb that's something you can do to someone that guy's holding but you know that's those are balloons with LED lights in so that's not a ball than a mirror ball wouldn't you argue I'm not say if you had to I don't I really don't keep talking about you know I don't mirror to keep talking about this. Well no, I don't. Mirabal, you were right. Can we just stop with that?

Starting point is 01:23:47 You were right, Mirabal. I stand corrected. I sit down corrected. I have a wank corrected. Yeah? The work for King Cow in your dick. I'm sick of this now. Boomerang knob. Right, Hyde Park, Winter Wonderland, we're outside and it says Red Gate, ideal for Santa Land. Get your tickets ready, it's ticketing, have you got to pay to get in?

Starting point is 01:24:07 Yeah Oh then we're not going in No we're not Because I don't want to pay to walk around a crowded funfair where we don't buy anything Do these fitness people doing some fitness thing here? MMB Oh fuck off Run Club, so it's a run club

Starting point is 01:24:20 They're probably going to run around the park aren't they? They're going to terrorise us, take a photo of them I tell you what, we can walk around it I guess. Do you want to go in the park anyway? Well we can walk around it, they can't force us in. No the ticket line is further down there. Yeah we'd have to go in there. I just thought it was free to get in. Not anymore mate, nothing in this world is. It's not very wonderful is it? They gouge you, yeah they gouge you. Why do people go for the kids and you have to pay? Because it's like, you know, you're expected to, you know. It's not very wonderful is it? They gouge you, yeah they gouge you. Why do you put people go for the kids and you have to pay?

Starting point is 01:24:45 Because it's like, you know, you expect it to, you know. It's disgusting though isn't it? Yeah, the whole world is disgusting. Because I think the whole thing is basically what? A theme park, a funfair that would come to your town once a year anyway. I'm not into Christmas fairs as an idea. I like the Easter bank holiday fair. Let's have a little look anyway, because we can take some pictures and pretend we were nearby it.

Starting point is 01:25:06 So here we go, look, shitty roller coaster. A little roller coaster. A dangly roller coaster. It's a dangler, isn't it? I want to have an official turn. Watch out for this cycle. Yeah, here we go. We're on the cycle lane.

Starting point is 01:25:18 So, I mean. It is raining. It's just, what's the red, the mega dome? The mega, that's the circus, circus mega dome? That's the circus. Circus mega dome. There's a circus here? People don't go to the circus anymore. Yeah, it's a circus. Probably has just acrobats and stuff. If I wanted to see animals being abused for entertainment, I'd look into my neighbour's garden. Do the kids abuse the cat?

Starting point is 01:25:40 It's not fun times. Oh no. They chase it around with a stick. Yeah, a bang on the glass and I say, don't do on the glass and I say don't do that to kitty kitty shouldn't do that to kitty kitty Trying to grab it by its hair. You know what that roller coaster looks all right fucking eight kids Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone that's a roller coaster looks fun. No, it doesn't it's a dang But that's all it does Wow, you've been really negative. This is nice It's a dingle dangle. But that's all it does.

Starting point is 01:26:02 Wow, you're being really negative. This is nice. It's not. It's happy Christmas everyone. It's not. If this was nice it would be free and everyone would be gaily skipping around. It ain't free for sure. And it ain't free.

Starting point is 01:26:11 Jesus Christ. Anyway, I bought you a soft drink. Yeah, we'll have that in a minute. I promise you. But let's go a bit. Can you take a picture? Sure. Because I've got me hands full of everything.

Starting point is 01:26:22 And this has got, and I need, you're right. Can I take a selfie? Yeah, let's do that. Can I take a selfie? Yeah, let's do that. Let's do a selfie time. Be careful, I'm so scared of someone snatching my phone. Alright. Well, that's the only crime that happens on the street. Alright, well the more you draw attention to it, the worse, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:26:37 That fucking big-headed cunt walked in front of the fucking wheelie bin. The wheelie bin? That's a ferris wheel. The ferris of the fucking wheelie bin. The wheelie bin? That's a ferris wheel. The ferris wheel. The wheelie bin. A wheelie bin. You're mad, you are. You're mad.

Starting point is 01:26:55 I'll take one picture of you with the wheelie bin in the background. Wheelie bit. Wheelie bit. The wheelie bit of the picture. That's all all I meant. Wow my hair is really freaking out. Your hair doesn't do well in moisture I've realised. That's good. Good alright sweet. Pictures on our website thecheapshow.co.uk. I've got to stop being cynical. It's Christmas. You know what I'm gonna do that's gonna help us? What? I'm gonna hit my pen vape And do you know what?

Starting point is 01:27:25 I came up with the other day What? To call this pen vape What? Get ready for this Thank God Penderman Danklin Ha ha ha ha ha ha yeah!

Starting point is 01:27:36 Come on that's excellent I'm sorry I have my moments That was one I mean I would have called it Gorge Bush But why? what does Gorge refer to? Gorgeous and then Bush is the weed. No but Penn it's a Penn vape. Ah fuck off go home. I'm done now. Please just say that was good. It was good. C.C. Penniston. Well tell you what let's sit here on this bench and have this drink. Okay.

Starting point is 01:28:01 Alright hang on. Right I think we've had our Christmas shopping day now I think. We've decided not to go into Winter Wonderland because it seems an expensive cost that we don't need to spend. Not only that, I bet you can't pay cash on the door. You know what I mean, we'd have to probably download an app, you know?

Starting point is 01:28:20 I hate having to download an app just to make a simple purchase or eat a meal in a restaurant. Ooh, you tech bro bastards! Or get your prescription for your fucking medicine, for example. Fuck off! That's a bit more... Calm down, it's Christmas. It's a season of goodwill, good age to all and... Stop!

Starting point is 01:28:40 ...merry dankmas. Hey, that's more like, hey, good idea. He's got to have a puff on his dankstank. Alright, Benjamin Dankmus. Hey, that's more like it. Hey, good idea. He's got to have a puff on his dank stank. Alright, Benjamin Danklin. So look, next week Eli offers Christmas party last episode of the year. Is it? Yeah. Wow, because you were having a week off during the Christmas week.

Starting point is 01:28:57 But we should try and maybe do a recording session. Well no, we are obviously for the new year, but what I'm saying is for 2024. Could we try and do the grumpy session, like you said? Are we still up for that? Yes, we can do a bit of it, yeah. It's not important, the important thing is next week at Office Christmas Party is the last one of the year and we've got two lovely guests coming to the Office Christmas Party this year because last year, if you seem to remember, it was all in my head and no one came and I was on my own in a spooky building. I don't know what happened, I wasn't there.

Starting point is 01:29:23 You weren't there. I wasn't there. It was all know what happened. I wasn't there. You weren't there. I wasn't there. It was all in my mind. You wasn't there. It was all in my mind. OK Google. Paul. Was it all in my mind?

Starting point is 01:29:32 Paul, I'll tell you something. I wasn't there last year. It was all in your fucking mind. It was all in my mind. So this year I've rent... well... Dog and pickle. What's the fucking pub called? Spoff and pickle. The Spoff and pickle. Oh, and you've rented the...

Starting point is 01:29:46 The Cum-Chee Lounge. See what they've done? No, it's the Cum-Chee, as in Cum-Chee. That's what we've called it. It is called the Cum-Chee. It's called the Spoff and Pickle. No, it's called the Cum-Chee Lounge. No, the owner said to me he's not calling it that muck. He says the Kim-Chee Lounge, and he only wants to hear it referred to that. Well, he should change the name of the whole pub to the... Yeah, but it's a legacy. He can't change the name of the whole pub to the not just the pickle. It's a legacy he can't change the name of the pub.

Starting point is 01:30:07 I thought that was quite clever calling it the company. It was but he doesn't like dirty comedy. It gets common pickle into one thing in a very clever way. He doesn't like comedy this landlord. He doesn't like brilliant expert wordplay is what he doesn't like. Well he's yet to hear any of that frankly. All I'm saying is we've got the pub booked, we've got to be there ready to go, I'm going to bring the booze, the guests are going to turn up, it's just that I think we kind of have to keep our voices down because he seems... Fine, best behaviour. Well they're sound proofing on the kimchi lounge, sorry kimchi lounge isn't there? I don't know. I'll be best behaviour. Best behaviour lads. Pull the collar, pull the collar. So that's what we're doing next week.

Starting point is 01:30:46 We've rented the pub, we're going to do a lock-in and we've got a lovely, I think it's going to be a delicate and classy affair. Good. Right? So that's what we're doing next week. Join us for the last episode of the year, the Cheap Show, sixth annual Christmas office party and Eli wants me to finish this by drinking green sour cherry. Is it a cola or just sour cherry? It's made with sweetener from the stevia plant. Yeah. It's green cola.

Starting point is 01:31:13 Yeah but you say you say that. Maybe it's just a sour cherry. Which is fine. You don't have to finish it I just thought you'd like to try it. I'll try it right now. They do do a cola so I just. Because one thing I want right now on a really cold day is an equally ice cold soft drink All right, but here we go I can smell the cherry very soft not heavy cherry on the nose any colonize. No, maybe it's just a cherry eight a sour cherry eight How is it it's a bit chalky have Have a little go. It's a little bit watery and chalky. Sorry I'm talking too close to this. Oh I like that. Yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:52 Do you want to finish it then? Because I've not taken to it. It's fine but I'm taking to it. I like that cherry flavour. It is a little bit watery on the back ends. That's what I don't think I like about it. I want a kind of more syrupy back end for cherry. What it is is it's not real sugar. You really don't like it do you? It's not as bad as those other ones. Just give me sugar. Give me sugar and as an adult I'll depend on how much sugar goes in my body. I thought it would be a nice thing. I was going to buy you a Fentimans Dandelion and Burdock. Even that's changed these days. I don't know what the fuck they've done to it. All I'm saying is Fentimans gone down the bin.

Starting point is 01:32:30 Fentimans go get Bentimans. Nice, nicely done. So next week join us for the Office Christmas Party. We've bought our Christmas goodies ready to go. I've got a little thing for you Paul. I've got a little thing for you Eli. I think I am going to go up to Palmer's Green and see if I can pick up that Houdini book for you tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:32:47 Fine. Yeah cool, we're all ready to go for Christmas party. Join us next week for what I promise will be a lovely and very classy office party fair. We'll be joined by Ethan Lawrence and Tom Mayhew and we'll run in the bar. Alright. Alright, good. Well we still need to sort that out as well, get some mixer things. I've got that, I've asked a few dodgy people I know to get me some cheap booze.

Starting point is 01:33:11 Mate, you see what happened in Laos? What? They got poisoned, because that stuff that isn't ethanol that gets into booze and people get poisoned to death. Oh I'm going to have to cancel my fucking order now. Well just be careful. Alright. Methanol I think is cool.

Starting point is 01:33:24 Shall we say goodbye to them? They've been listening for so order now. Well just be careful. All right. All right, OK. I think it's cool. Shall we say goodbye to them? They've been listening for so long now. Here we are in Hyde Park on a lovely, crisp, wintery evening, not going in the corporate hellsphere, hell space, just there. It's just there, the corporate hell space. We're not anywhere near it. We won't be going anywhere near it.

Starting point is 01:33:40 We're in a speaker's corner. Where are we, Cheecho? This is speaker's corner. And we're speaking. We're speaking. And we're speaking our minds. And we're allowed to speak, aren't This is the speaker's corner. And we're speaking. We're speaking. And we're speaking our minds. And we're allowed to speak, aren't we?

Starting point is 01:33:47 And we are. And we won't be stopped by strange ladies. No. Eat the rich. Eat them. To the bone. Come on. Get the marabou jelly out the rich.

Starting point is 01:33:56 Get something out of these cans. Thanks for listening everyone. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting Cheap Show the past year, if indeed you do. Spread the word, review on podcast apps and if you fancy it, support us on patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, lots of goodies there for you to explore. It's got a lovely cherry but you're right, it's that empty sweetener taste at the end but it's a nice cherry, it's a nice cherry up front.

Starting point is 01:34:20 Yeah I'll give you a good cherry up front, I don't know that's nothing. Break my cherry up front with your big your cherry with your steel toed boot. Oh that's not good. Big toe shaped cock end. Oh toe shapes? Now I'm interested. See I told you all I had to do was say my cock looked like a like a like a hobbit's toe. He's off. Oh calm down. Merry everyone, we'll see you next week. Bye bye. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

CheapShow - Ep 414: Joy To The Walk (Mono Edition)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.