CheapShow - Ep 414: Joy To The Walk (Stereo Edition)

Starting point is 00:00:00 I had a cough then did you? Did you hear a cough? No, no. I literally thought there was a man right behind me coughing then when that... I'll tell you. Who's in the bin? If I see any coffers lurking... Coffers? The lurking coffer. There was that... So I put some coffers in the coffer? Yes, that's... yes. Hello everybody, I'm Paul Gannon, a very witty man and this is Cheap Show and we're having a lovely Christmas walkabout episode today and with me, who's this handsome son of a cunt? Hello, everyone. It's Eli Silverman. I'm sorry for saying cunt. It's too early for that. It's fine. Sorry. I don't mind. Take it back Who's this handsome son of a lad? Son of a lad Eli Silverman here. Here we are. Who's a cunt? Here we are in Moswell

Starting point is 00:01:07 here we are in Moswell, Moswell Hill but you know what it means? Moswell Hill? It comes from Mossy Well which erm... That's like Tommy your mum's gunter! You wouldn't let me get it out! I'm sorry, my mum let me... I'm building your mum's gunter hole! My mum will let you get it out don't you worry! Anyway... Mossy Well, it's like a fetid mossy well. Right, now people are looking at us.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Right, so we are doing. What are we doing today? Today on Cheap Show we are walking in and around London because we're doing some Christmas shopping. It's the Office Christmas party next week and we've got to buy some things. We've got a few guests so we have to buy presents for the guests. Pick up some booze, some food, little accoutrements for the party. All stuff for the party. Well done with using accoutrements.

Starting point is 00:01:51 It sounds correct, actually, there. Thank you. You know what's got accoutrements? Acutey, what? Well, you know what has accoutrements? My nads. And they're shitty toilet papery accoutrements all hanging off when I haven't wiped properly I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm just letting

Starting point is 00:02:11 you go off. No I think Paul you should let everyone know what the rules of today's sejourn are. We're just going shopping. In terms of the money the budgets and everything. Right well here's the thing every single fucking year on cheap show you refuse almost Almost with anger and intent to buy me a Christmas present when you have they've been To be honest awful a box of tea was one. Oh, that was the worst. That was the nadir What about the dog cough treats you got me did I get you those really Anyway poor so I've given you I saw some things in Palmer's Green. Houdini, you know Houdini was a true crime writer. I didn't know he was a writer. Yeah. He's a true crime sort of journalist guy. I saw there's a copy

Starting point is 00:02:56 of this Houdini's, um, Houdini's Tales of Murder or something and it's got, it's written by him and it's like. Oh I never knew that. I'm going to pick that up for you. That's an actual birthday Christmas present. Well there you go we'll see. Do you like that? Is that better than tea and dog biscuits? So I have given Eli a tenner. I have given Eli money from my bank accounts to buy me a Christmas present today so we're gonna start our walk in Muswell Hill and then we're gonna go heading to and look at the Christmas lights on Oxford Street, Eli. That'd be magical.

Starting point is 00:03:29 And then we'll go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park which is also, I've been told, a magical place to be. You're being very ironic because you and I know it's going to be hell on earth. Paul, the Christmas dickhead period has arrived. We are the patron saints of the Christmas Dickhead period. I've been in central London in the last few days. Oh my oh my it's not good. Well that's why we're here today on Cheap Shirts to give you a lickety-split taste of what shopping in London is like and we're going to start in Muswell Hill which is a calmer more peaceful environment as we look into

Starting point is 00:04:02 the charity shops and such as we went our way upon them stop me Eli, come on you've got to stop me. I don't know I was just going to say environment, accoutrements, nadir, all the words today that's all I've got. I've got one more haberdashery so we're gonna start our Christmas walkie Christmas shop episode come and join, you're all welcome. Come on then, come on, come on then. Come on, ease off. We're gonna go, let's go Christmas shopping. Is Muswell Hill magic land? Is it magicland? Because today I've seen a pirate in Santa Claus in the real life. No it has a lot of show biz types as they say in the game. Okay

Starting point is 00:05:14 so update, we're back out the credits, hello welcome to Cheap Show, economy podcast and all that stuff. Hey we're into a couple of charity shops, not a deep bench of things to pull from. A deep bench? As in that a sports team has a shops, not a deep bench of things to pull from. A deep bench? As in that a sports team has a bench, depth in the bench? Yeah. That's not what you meant though, is it? It is, Kai, what I meant and I request that you no further go deeper down into that statement. I'll go deep in your bench.

Starting point is 00:05:39 Do you know what though, Paul? What? We did the first shop we went into which is one I hadn't although I've been charity shop hunting up here up here a lot and it's a very familiar part of London to me I have friends here Jeremy what's he called with a little hand who's dead? Beadle. He lived down there. Did he? Yeah we can go past his house if you like. Is it the same house that that guy killed people in? No, that's also down there. Dennis Nielsen. Nielsen and Beadle.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Connection? Coincidence? Coincidence. We'll let you decide. The first shop we went to was the Dogs Trust. Yeah. Which is for dogs. Not the Dogs Truss. Which is a pouch to hold a dog's junk in.

Starting point is 00:06:20 And also, I should warn everyone, don't get confused by the name of that charity because you don't want people trusting dogs because they are rotters all of them to a man to a dog they don't you can't trust them with money you can't trust them with keeping food in their belly. I can't trust them with my girlfriend I'm always coming home and that dog stinks from the fucking... She's got the cream on her, she's got the whipped cream out. Peanut butter all over her, all over her sloppy garbage. Anyway, but...

Starting point is 00:06:50 My girlfriend does not listen to this podcast. Just so she could hear a dog going down on her with her sloppy garbage and peanut butter clunge. Right, but we were coming out of that dog's trust, nice little brick-a-bracky kind of shop. No, it's a good shop, yeah, nice selection. They're good charity shops up here, aren't they? But then what do we see? Argym lad, we see an argym lad come out.

Starting point is 00:07:14 It was a pirate, very much in the style of, imagine Adam Ant, you know? He basically kind of tweaked the Tarzan yodel. Yeah, but the other thing I need to mention about being up here in Muswell Hill, there's a certain type of middle class lady, and I don't want to get across like all... Greg Wallace, here we fucking go, laser gentleman. To anyone outside of the UK, this reference means nothing. And to people in the UK, barely means anything either. No, it's not. Greg Wallace was super famous, mate.

Starting point is 00:07:51 Around the world, super famous. No. Anyway, there's a certain type of person, let's say, not a middle-aged woman, a certain type of middle-class person you get up around here who just wastes time at the tills in charity shops, endlessly chatting crap. And I went into the coffee shop Doppio to buy my coffee filter. Yeah you were quite a while in there I noticed. It's just two women in front of me and then they go to pay and it's like no let me get you know and it's like no just one of you fucking pay so I can you know I'm not even in a hurry and it makes you impatient you know what I mean like faffing middle class people fuck off of

Starting point is 00:08:26 the world anyway also whilst I was in there all a bit troubling isn't it ladies and gentlemen no it's not all a bit troubling boys and girls I'll give you troubling you want real trouble but I buy these because I did I got poor over coffee but he tried to upsell me to this thing which is like a ceramic filter you don't put any paper in at all it's just a ceramic cone Oh it's got swills built into the design? No it's sort of it's got no actual hole in the bottom it's like the whole thing filters it and I was like oh that's interesting how much is that? 75 quid I'll get the fucking papers get out of here

Starting point is 00:09:01 There's upselling and then there's launching you into the sky in a rocket selling These papers cost you know four, £4 or something anyway. Which I think is... Anyway, I'm having a lovely time and I've picked up something that might be for you, Paul. If I can't find anything else. I've picked up a little something for you. I might have to give you a little grab bag of goodies on the day on the office party. That's what I'm thinking because God, it's hard, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:09:19 It is hard. Anyway, so we see a part... You know what, also I realised when I was... One thing. Your anecdote's a shit. This isn't an anecdote This is a self observation then all right Don't build it up too much. I've observed about myself

Starting point is 00:09:34 Classic cheap show everyone What level are you if we say one to ten scale? I reckon ten is you it's happening What is it's happening? What is I can't forget about it. A twinge in the distant mirror. In the bench. I think I'm a solid 5 right now. Oh really? You can't even... Think of it as a broken cockoo clock. It's like woo woo woo woo. It's coming out. What, you're just adding that? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Oh, this boo's coming out. Sorry, I thought that was easy. It's coming out! Hey! Sorry, I find that amusing. Hey! It's coming out! Now, Paul, in all seriousness, if you're at five, we're going to have to address that. Now, it's here to my self-observation.

Starting point is 00:10:22 Oh dear. Goo came out his mouth, don't touch me! Just this whole thing, this whole set up of buying presents for someone makes me anxious. I like to see something and think, oh they would like that. That's when I, do you see what I mean, rather than thinking I have to get something for this person, this person, it gives me anxiety. I haven't seen anything for Ethan or Tom yet, that's tickled me particularly.

Starting point is 00:10:47 No, neither have I, but we've only done three shops, so let's keep going. We've got to keep going, look, we're right by a Christmas tree, by Muswell Hill Church or something, whatever it's called. There used to be a charity shop here, there used to be one right here, Barnardo's, but it's closed now. And then there's a bagel store and the cinema, so you know.

Starting point is 00:11:04 Look at that guy's face above the clock on that church. He looks a bit stern, doesn't he? Oh yeah, he's like saying, it's like, oh, this is the time. It's not good, is it? Something like that. I wish I were funnier off that. No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:11:18 What if, though, that was a whole man's body and that's where his head was? Yeah, and they just coated it in concrete a hundred years ago. He's got a clock in his neck. And his dick is the actual hands of the clock, spliced. No, his dick's the spear isn't it, the spike at the top, the spire. How can his dick reach all the way up there? We should have done this bit.

Starting point is 00:11:40 Yeah, let's cut this. Oh there's a Christmas tree, we're at a Christmas tree so we're going to take a lovely picture of a Christmas tree. And now we're going to investigate a few more charity shops and see what we've got. Oh wait, no, one last thing. We saw Santa. We saw Santa? Did you see what he said when he came in? I didn't see Santa.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Maybe this. What, he was right behind you in the shop we just came out of. I'm not even joking. North London Hospice. Oh, there he is. I see him now. He's across the road. Yeah. There he is. It's an old... Let's be honest, it's a dirty old man dressed up as Santa. He looks

Starting point is 00:12:10 like, he's got a big, anyway look the point of that make is, saw him and he walks into the charity shop and there was like a woman in his way. Right. And she went, she looked at him and went as you would, oh Father Christmas! And he went calm down love. As if to say it's too exciting. He's obviously a... Should we mug him? No we shouldn't mug Santa that's not a good look but obviously someone who puts that on in order to get attention but then says calm down you know what I mean it's like it's you know it's very strange behavior but anyway eccentric up here we saw the pirate

Starting point is 00:12:49 oh he's going around the corner I want to take a picture let's follow him we're going down there anyway I'll take a picture I got him I got him all right we got proof we got proof and we saw a pirate we should take a picture of the pirate as well but that would have been bit trickier that pirate looked like he was was off to the docks to get on the boat and You know, they were very democratic pirates. Oh, yes, we know. Right Okay, so let's carry on with our Christmas shop in Muswell Hills Oof

Starting point is 00:13:23 Oof, I tell ya. Oof, I tell you. I met a woman in there and I looked in a leather box and inside was a big camera lens, right? Bloody hell. And then she turned around. Crazy. You looked inside her leather box. I didn't look inside her leather. For one thing, that's insulting to an older lady. It's not leathery. It's just old. Are you having fun? I can't stop thinking about...

Starting point is 00:13:46 Go on, do you want to say it out loud? Chunters. Right, okay. When you said I looked inside a ladies leather box and there was a lens in there, I was like some sci-fi sex land shit. That wasn't what I was getting for. My point was, was that, you know what, I've actually forgotten what my point was now. So I looked at it. No, there was a lady, there was a box. And I looked inside her big tough leathery box, right?

Starting point is 00:14:15 Yes. And there was a kind of, you know, camera lens for a nice posh camera like the one we've got for cheap shot videos. How was this box connected to the lady in all seriousness? Well, here's the point I'm making. I put it down and then she looks to me and goes what was in that? And I was like it's a camera lens right you know big XLR cameras and she went oh I've had a fuck enough of them. And I was like what do you mean cameras or lenses? She goes I'm trying to get rid of all my cameras. How many have you got? Ah, one. So, well, you know, she's sick of it. She's sick of that one camera. I think she just wanted someone to talk to, for a moment. So that was that. That's what I mean. That's what I mean about the type of person you get in

Starting point is 00:14:59 the charity shops up here, you know? You know what I'm getting at? Yeah. Very up for talking, up for taking a lot of time at the till and nattering, nattering. But talking without actually saying anything engaging? Yes, anything, any point to it whatsoever, just the sound of the mouth. Sound of the mouth. So along this route is a place Eli... It's the Dirty Cakes, now... Do they still make them? Yeah, we can't just go in and look at the dirty cake

Starting point is 00:15:26 photos and I'm gonna get a steak slice or something as well because it's a nice bakers. Oh it's that place yeah I know what you mean now yeah yeah yeah what's it called? We've got prices first. Oh yeah well let's look at the cake while we're in situ and then we can look in there. It's a boutique style. But also remember it's not always good if we're both from the look at the cake while we're in situ. All right, we can come back and look at it. That's a good one as well. It's a boutique-y style crisis. But also, remember, it's not always good if we're both from the shop at the same time, otherwise we see each other's presence and shit.

Starting point is 00:15:51 Yeah, we don't want that to happen, do we? We don't want that to happen. Oh, is it? Is it? The Bakers of Muswell Hill, is this it? Yep. Where's the naughty cakes? They're on the left as you go in,

Starting point is 00:15:59 so I'm gonna distract them by... There's no naughty cakes. Oh no, there's little pictures of cakes, but there's not like a great big... That's there's little pictures of cakes but there's not like a great big... That's what I mean. Yeah but there's not like a big picture of a tit or anything. There is! Oh alright well I'm not gonna go in. I'm gonna go into the charity shop while he gets his grubby mutts. Look at these cake photos Paul, that's the whole point. Come in and look at the cake photos. I just don't want to have me recorder on while we're in there. You have to come in and look. I'll come in and have a look.

Starting point is 00:16:25 Can you just stop recording, come in and have a look, then we'll go into the change. Come in and have a look and then stop recording. Three things. Stop recording. One. Two, come in. Three, have a look at the dirty cake photos. That's it. I'll do that then. Right, let's do that then. I'm just worried about the episode. Stop asking that every single week we make this episode.

Starting point is 00:16:50 I'm sorry. What's this? What's this? Are we recording? Yes. After ten years I still don't know what this podcast is Paul. Unfortunately that's a problem that's gotten in the way of our marketing and publishing and all that kind of stuff in the past and promotion Oh look at that. Is that chestnuts roasting on an open fire? No, that's a coffee roaster, old-school coffee roaster. This is the speciality coffee list. They roast it in shop. Look how inefficient it is. Look at the crap that comes off The burning crap. It's a lovely smell though, isn't it? Oh, I love the smell.

Starting point is 00:17:23 The kernel. You're lurking for the smell. The smell. Good. We're all just hovering around the scent of burning roasted coffee. It's lovely isn't it? Yeah. It's rare to see.

Starting point is 00:17:34 It really is and there's a one in... There's a flame down the side. No you can see the flame throughout the whole centre. Look, do you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to take a picture for our lovely people. I sure should. Yeah so you're going to a picture for all of the pressure you know yes you're gonna video no because I can't host anywhere and I don't want to and I don't want you to smoke machine that you

Starting point is 00:17:53 didn't put anywhere I did put on the website on the website I did yeah I'm just gonna I'm gonna get a video of this for myself all right well you have no no all good mate. So anyway, just came out of crisis, wasn't much in there, that's fine. Tell them about the cake, please. So I went in and saw the naughty cakes. And there was one that said boobs, wasn't there? Yeah, but here's what I'll say about that.

Starting point is 00:18:19 And there was one that said three in a bed, wasn't there? And there was one that said orgy three and it had a woman doing a reverse cowboy on a man's face whilst the other lady was at the other end doing a normal cowboy you know i mean happy 10th birthday rupert i wanted he man i thought you said big dong man no but the boobs one was just a torso with a bikini on it. It wasn't like a great big pair of tits. It was a corset. Yeah, but it wasn't two big loads of tits though, was it? I know, but there was worse ones there when I first saw it. They obviously... Had to tone it down.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Because of the kids. My kid came in for a flan and instead got wicked ideas of what to do with his sister. No. Oh, dearie me, Paul! That's why they took the pictures down mate. Boomin incest. No but it's a French baker's, it's French owned and I think that's the little cultural... You know how they're much more open to sort of slightly salacious or sexy things on the continent aren't they? Yeah but that's the continent, over here it's let's get Mike from a counter Mookie cake for his 40th birthday. It's more acceptable just generally.

Starting point is 00:19:25 Oh, it is cancer research. It is cancer research. It is more accepted generally, I'll give you that. However, there's nothing more off putting to the eye than a cake with three positioned characters. Going at it. And I was saying to Paul, what if you were so starved of porn material, you're very poor or don't have access to the internet you'd have to come up here

Starting point is 00:19:46 and try and look at the cake. We should say these aren't actual cakes these are the cakes they can make for you. Images on our website thecheapshot.co.uk but it does make me think it's like oh I fancy a grumble I'm gonna pop down to the bakers on Muscle Hill and fucking splaps some lemon curd out. They do lovely chicken and mushroom slices. We need to point out out. They do lovely chicken and mushroom slices. Yeah, well they do. We need to point out they actually do make lovely slices and sausage rolls and flans and cakes and tarts. I've got cheesecake, but they do it in a very particular way.

Starting point is 00:20:12 It's very eggy and wet. And I know that sounds bad, but it is good. You know like an eggy cheesecake? I know what's eggy and wet, mate. It's the back end of my drawers right now. Oh, mate. it's true, it's Ganesh. Fancy a gnoble, gnoche Ganesh. Now that is a nice little brass Ganesh. It is, it is. So alright, okay, we've had our fun, Eli's had his pasty, we saw the nude cakes, although I'm going to call one more thing on that out. Alright. Sexist, where's's the cock cake where's the cake that says cock that's a great big

Starting point is 00:20:49 fucking no but Paul as we know veined icing on I'm sure they could do that for you last fondant inside creme oh mate you could have a spunky come out having that spunky icing two big balls and a nice marble. And you can squeeze the balls and the icing comes out. Get the custard cream out. Now, there was this one called, there was a book in one of the shops called, Whitstable Mum, the Queen of Custard or something it was called. Anyway. That's what my mum was called weirdly weirdly enough. Oh yeah. That's not what I heard she was called. No. Mossy well, that's what I heard she was called.

Starting point is 00:21:28 You could fall down there, get very wet. Sorry, sorry, mania. You used to be innocent. I know. You used to be a man whose most erotic thought was my mum putting some kind of vegetable in an oven. That's not, that goes beyond eroticism. Anyway. Does that transcend it? Yes. Anyhow, I'm having a nice time Paul but the one thing I wanted to mention before we go in cancer research here. Yeah. Anything for Ethan or Tom? Well I've got something for Tom. You do? Tom's sorted. We've got to get something for Ethan and I'm

Starting point is 00:21:59 picking at your little collection of Christmas trinkets to give you on the day at the office party next week's episode. That book, there's another book with the Houdini book that I mentioned to you, which could be I think you'll like and it's in Palmer's Green, I could go get it tomorrow before I come up to yours. Well we don't have to get everything today to be fair, there's no stress on us. F***ing 150 quid for the Chinese wooden carving. Wow. That's 150 quid. That's 100 quid.

Starting point is 00:22:27 How do they value that? I think the Ganesh are expensive. They get an expert. Look, it's got a sticker on. I can't see the sticker. I can't, it's probably 20 pounds. Look there, the Ganesh. Right, well anyway, let's go into this other charity shop.

Starting point is 00:22:38 This is Cancer Research. We'll see you in a bit. 150. That's what it says, 150 a bit. 150. That's what it says, 150, yeah. Wow. Christ. Well, we've picked a few... Well, I picked the board game up, but that's for a later date.

Starting point is 00:23:00 E-Life spotted it. And it's called Smuggle It? Or Just Smuggle? Smuggle. Some kind of smuggling past the customs game for children which is quite unusual isn't it. It was a good price on it. £2. £2 for a classic MB game. Oh I had to snatch it up. So expect to see that in a world you've well spotted. I'm saying to me well spotted. Well well spotted. Don't congratulate yourself. I'm feeling my own jar-bitch. Cut that, cut that.

Starting point is 00:23:25 No, it's too late. Cut that. Do you know what, Paul, I was going to mention? You know there's an Oxfam bookshop here? Yes. That's also a great one. Well, let's have a look. We've got a few more stops to go and then we have to start heading into town.

Starting point is 00:23:37 I have to say, I love Muswell Hill. It's alright, isn't it? Yeah. For what it is. It's got memories for me. You know? Yeah, me too, because I It's got memories for me. You know? Yeah, me too, cos I used to be up the road didn't I from here back in the day. So you know, we're very fond of this little hamlet.

Starting point is 00:23:54 Very much fond of the hamlet. I'm fond of ham as well. And remember, don't trust dogs. You know what pisses me off? What? Calling your fucking restaurant Ratatouille. Oh, Oxfam's closed. Oh, I bet they've...

Starting point is 00:24:10 Let's look in the mirror in the window and see how many things we wish we could buy from it now that's closed. Look, Lego. Lego City, can't go wrong with that. No, it doesn't look that good actually. Oh, oh! What? Little houses things.

Starting point is 00:24:23 Little tiny knock-off Lego house things. I want. See what I mean? Oh, you're right, you were right. I fucking told you, didn't I? It's always... I might have to come back up here tomorrow. What's that map of what? The Virgin Islands?

Starting point is 00:24:32 Mondays it's closed apparently. I didn't know it was a Monday closed situation. Not good enough. What about that? That is a painting and embroidery thing. Is it an embroidery painting or is it a painting of embroidery? Look down here you can see the water it's a like a landscape with some trees of mangrove I'd say

Starting point is 00:24:50 but look the water seems to have been painted but the trunk of the trees seem to be done in little art beads yeah like those little embroidered pictures home sweet home pictures yeah that kind of I don't like it good price on that on that, I'll be snapping that up tomorrow. Yeah, alright. To Bobby Dazzler! No shut up. Alright, yeah calm down. Right we are going to go into the other one though which is... All dogs matter. Yeah. But don't trust them. They matter, yes, doesn't mean you have to trust them. Sticky matter all over your face, all dogs. When a dog comes in your face. Sticky matter. No good. Oh right you're allowed to just sit there and go dog come I'm allowed to say

Starting point is 00:25:28 anything I like true right should we go in here then and then what and then what and then Oxfam bookshop I don't think there's any more down there no and there's that one we saw we'd missed one up there so and then we'll get the bus into town and then we'll get in the bus to Covent Garden yeah yeah what's ADL City EV 100% Oh, it's just a bus. It's just fine. I got distracted.

Starting point is 00:25:49 I'm sorry. Do you know the Hell brand energy drink? No. They've got an AI drink. Fuck that. It's called AI. Let's get that. I saw.

Starting point is 00:25:58 Oh, in one of the charity shops. A Pictionary game called Pictionary vs AI. I don't know what the concept was. I bet you have to get an app that's not going to be going next year. Exactly, exactly. Alright, let's go into all dog sticky matter right now and see what we can find. Alright. I love those. Those little Beatrix Potter porcelain. That's 25 quid. What about that nice stack of poker chip?

Starting point is 00:26:23 Nah, they're ten a penny. No, it's 25 quid though. What about that nice stack of poker chips? Nah, they're ten a penny. No, it's 25 quid actually. You can get poker chips anywhere. And they're not ten a penny, they're however much you assign in the game of poker you're playing that they're worth. Well done Eli to over complicate that material. I used to go in it. What do you think? I saw a Monty Python thing the other day. Have you heard of the utter history of Britain?

Starting point is 00:26:48 Gilliam Jones just before Python. And it's basically all history as if the TV existed. Fuck the Pythons, overwrite a bunch of tofs, fuck them. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying it. Whose relevance died literally at the release of Life of Brian. I'm saying it, I'm saying it. Oh my God. Who's relevance died literally at the release of Life of Brian. Sir Michael Palin. Sir Michael Palin. They were posh. Sir Michael Pulling the Birds. He had a grotty little flat for Nookie.

Starting point is 00:27:14 No he didn't! That's what I'm going to put out there. Stop! This is horrendous. Gilliam had a sex dungeon. I'm going in here. I don't believe that about Gilliam. You two are so noisy. Sorry. You are so nice gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:27:28 Apologies. Gosh, it's like being at school again. See what I mean with him talking too loud. So a bit of a bust in those shops. We picked up a few little things didn't we? We picked up some things for sure. I got a little things for sure. I got a little something for Ethan so that's a little something.

Starting point is 00:27:47 A little something. I've got a little something for you but hopefully I'm going to go to Palmer's Green and get you some other stuff tomorrow. Yeah, there's a very good chance I might have to look elsewhere for the rest of your Christmas garbage but hey, hey, we've got one more shop who knows. Now a lady in shop said we we're very naughty, loud boys, and we're like school boys. And I don't know where she gets that from.

Starting point is 00:28:09 And then she apologized though. She said it reminded her of being at school. Poor woman. It is funny though, it's one of those moments where we go, oh yeah, we're in public doing this. And we have to realize that Eli shouting, dog shot squirgy for paw paw. I didn't say squirgy. Squirgy for paw paw.

Starting point is 00:28:26 If I'd said squirgy everyone would know about it. Everyone would know. If I'd done squirgy everyone would know about it and also Paul if I smelt squirgy I would know about it. It's your lucky day mate if you stand behind me. Squirgy! So we're gonna go to our last charity shop. See look the pub here is called the Mossy Well. Why is that? Because it's named after your mum's clutch. Yeah, well, your mum's named after that other part. A free house. Oh dear. Let's go to that charity shop and then let's go in there for a drink or something.

Starting point is 00:28:58 Alright, but quickly, because that's the other thing I was going to say. The other thing we can't do is just piss. Because I need a piss real bad. We're not in the woods where I would go on a pission impossible. Or in a house where I would use the toilet. We're not there yet. No, we're not there yet. However, we are in an area with a range of pubs. So we can pop into one, have a little drinky-woo, just a teeny-weeny drinky-woo,

Starting point is 00:29:22 and then give the porcelain god our golden tickle. Okay I'm up for tickling the porcelain god with my wee wee. Which one are we going to now? The one up that road, remember the optician's eyes one or whatever it was. The optician's eyes? Whatever it was called, that charity shop, it was like for people with no eyes or something. Blind people? No, with no eyes. There's a difference.

Starting point is 00:29:45 All right. They don't have eyes. OK, fine. You don't have eyes. You were born without eyes. There was an eye in that woman's leather bag earlier, wasn't there, a little box? It was very funny that that woman who came up to us

Starting point is 00:29:56 afterwards, it was like, oh, by the way, dear, you just do what you like. You have a nice, you do whatever you like. Life's too short. This was the lady who worked in All Dogs Matter. Who embarrassed and humbled us after our outrageous public outbursts. Look at how... Here we go, here is 3, 2, 1, he likes to talk about the view.

Starting point is 00:30:18 It looks very Blade Runner-y with the lights in the gloaming, doesn't it? Look there, all the red lights there. Off the top of the buildings in Canary Wharf area, innit? Yeah, that is Canary Wharf, you're right, yeah. Anyway, right, let's head into this next charity shop. Also, have you noticed that nearly every fucking charity shop's playing the best of ABBA gold at the moment? I really can't stand ABBA. I'm sorry everyone. I'm fine with them, I'm just tired of hearing it.

Starting point is 00:30:43 I prefer to hear Mariah Carey, I haven't it once yet oh you should work in radio mate I've heard it like fucking 18 times yesterday obsessed with that song it's the last modern classic you could argue it's the last big and it wasn't even that much of a hit I don't think when it came out it was here it was it and she's just very Sav Savilly Savilly Jimmy Savilly she's been very sav... savily... savily? Jimmy Savilly. She's been very savvy about getting that into the charts every year and making money off it. Well has she or has like the head of EMI or what? Doesn't matter, she's made coin off that for 30 years, well played.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Yes. Good singer. What's that? What's that? It says the hamster butcher and providor. Providor. Providor. Providor. Providor. Provider of the... It's an old school way of saying provider or French way or posh way. Why are they providing? Yeah but that's what the part that says butcher does.

Starting point is 00:31:36 No there's other stuff in there look. They've got like salads. Like I'm a groin providor. Are you? Yeah. I would need some groin. Well then here I am then Oh, he's rubbing me! Rubbing my Provodore on your thighs. Oh Jesus. I'm tiring of this. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh yeah, this is a much better view this one. Amazing. Yeah. The Metropole spreads behind before us like a carpet unrolled by the quince. Quince and quince. Right, as I say you get good value for money with your views up here.

Starting point is 00:32:20 I'll take a shot of that for everyone to see. It's something you can't quite get on a camera in the same way your eyes do, you know it's that. Anyway, we are going to go into our final charity shop of Muscle Hill, it's getting dark already and then we are going to get a cup of tea and us or something and then we are going to go head into town and walk along. It's very much cheap show, we can get fish and chips for £2 or whatever they do in there. I'm not that self-loathing yet.

Starting point is 00:32:43 Right, let's go into this charity shop and then crack on with our day. Vision Foundation. Not a great band but their 80s stuff kind of paled in comparison to their 70s. Ouvra. Ouvra. I don't know where we are. What is this? Oh, say Vision Foundation. That's why I said that. Why do you think I said it? Do you think I was just remembering a band then? Well knowing you, yeah. Ooh, it's a Harrods scarf. 25 quid.

Starting point is 00:33:11 North Face Jacket, 60 quid. That's not too bad for a North Face Jacket. Why is that a brand? So it doesn't die that brand, does it? It keeps going and going. People buy it for camping or hiking or they buy it because it's shitty fucking cold weather at the moment in the UK and why not? I guess. I guess.

Starting point is 00:33:27 Shelby 1930s Art Deco porcelain. Oh that's a lovely thing. Yeah it is isn't it, looks like an urn. Looks like an urn you put some of these ashes in doesn't it? Yeah it is an urn. Right in we go. Have you urned it? Dear.

Starting point is 00:33:43 I'm tiring, got a bit of a fishy wit in here. This area closes at 9pm it says, so we're alright. You can't smoke? No you can't smoke. What's the point of that? I don't know. You tell me. I've got a wet bottom. I do as well. We've both got a wet bottom together that's because we were very naughty and we lined up and someone sploshed their wedges on our bums. I'm sorry I'm sorry. You should be because there are thousands

Starting point is 00:34:39 of other things that could potentially wet our trouser pants parts and unfortunately you went for the bin juice? yeah like bin juice I don't know how. Go on, start again. We were both very naughty and we had to bend down and look at a banana and someone was carrying a bin and a little a little bird poked the bottom of the bin with its beak and all bin juice came out and made our butts all wet with binges. There you go, see much better, much better. Anyway, oh god. There you go, just get out of the way, right? Get one out of the way. Hey, hey, that was the other thing, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:35:12 Mm. Remember we were in that charity shop and there was that bowl with the very racist Chinese stereotype on it and I was like, what is that for other than to awkwardly buy the charity shop? It was a tenner as well, I think it was like we said the hat I don't know what those hats are called those triangular hats traditional sort of Chinese peasant hats. They're like what working farming Chinese peasants would wear everyone knows the ones I mean yeah that was formed by I'm not doing that Paul

Starting point is 00:35:41 I'm not I'm doing arching my hands as if it's the triangular hat I'm not doing that. I'm not I'm doing arching my hands as if it's this the triangular hat I'm not pulling my eyes back I'm doing Paul McCartney Anyway, oh dear and I think that the hat bit there was a it was a sort of slanted eye Caricature bold face and the hat was of some kind of colander, it was some kind of kitchen gear probably for making Chinese food but still imagine you had that and the equivalent of a you know a person of colour with the you know those kind of exaggerated it wouldn't fly but why does it still fly for why do people still allow that?

Starting point is 00:36:21 The issue is it's one thing to have it in your house and go, I'm giving this to charity. It's another to be a person a couple of weeks later who goes into a charity and goes, I want that racist stereotype Chinese bowl for my kitchen and I'm gonna be bold as brass and I'm gonna take it to the counter, which to be fair, and did you notice the lady behind the counter was Asian. So can you imagine the absolute shame

Starting point is 00:36:43 of having to buy it from? Well, perhaps the type of person would be some kind of anti-woke idiot who has, for example, a Chinese lady who comes and cleans their house. And they go, hey look what I got! It's like your fucking face! Who knows? But anyway... Or the worst thing, imagine you're a collector of like rare, you know, kitchen Tupperware boxes, whatever, and he knows for a fact that that's worth 500 quid. And it's going for you're a collector of like rare you know kitchen tupperware boxes whatever and that he knows for a fact that that's worth 500 quid it's going for $5 and he knows he can make a mint on eBay but he's gonna have to take it to the

Starting point is 00:37:13 counter and buy it in public. It's like when I had to buy that fucking Minitots album. Yes Paul we are in the Mossy Well pub which is a Wetherspoons pub. It is now. Hi. We're not filming. No, we're not filming. Oh, is this the office? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:35 Yeah, no worries. No, you don't have to film us. Oh yeah, that's why we can record, it's easier. It's like a police state around here. It is. Why can't we film here? What? Anyway, we're not. That's the point. Well, yeah, we're not.

Starting point is 00:37:47 This is like Brent Crossopolis. Us apocalypse again. Fucking get me started on that. Anyhow, Paul, before I forget, can I just mention one thing? Do you remember a few episodes ago, I was telling a story about how I was denied a Buldak noodle because it had expired in the shop around you I've located those someone very Graciously online pointed out that the flavor that that one was the brown pack which has a mayo pack inside is the yakisoba yakisoba is

Starting point is 00:38:21 Japanese for stir-fried noodle essentially and they often have you know the Japanese style mayo on top so that would be the sachet in there I've seen those and I will be getting them and we'll be trying those. Do you like that? Do you like a mayo sachet squeezed on top of your hot noodles? Oh sir, I'm overcome. Was I too angry? Were you too angry with that lady? No, I was smiling. They must have seen us on the CCTV.

Starting point is 00:38:43 What about this muff? Looks like a camera, I don't understand. Also, I could film you on my fucking phone. Everyone's got one. What's the point? Let me paint a picture. It's Eli's 50th birthday. All of his friends have turned up to this pub for a good time. And there's the lighting of the cake and the candle and I get me camera out and I want

Starting point is 00:39:04 to film this. Lighting of the cake and then the candle. Yes that's exactly what I said and I'm glad you pointed it out. So you light up the cake and then you eat the candle. Shut the camera off. Right up your fucking gush hole. Stick it up your dirty gush pipe. I'm enjoying this retail. Anyway look the point is is that what are they going to do? Stop you? Are they going to come up to you and say, excuse me, you can't film this wonderful personal moment between friends of a friend blowing out the cake. Because what? We'll see the back of the pub, sort of, you know, and it's our pub.

Starting point is 00:39:32 Or, I don't understand. Anyway. Who knows? We've got a little drink, you've got a half of Rosie, what's it, Rosie Bowsie? It's called a Rosie Nosey. And it's a little, I don't know what it is, but it's a Christmas themed beer. I don't know what makes it good. Does it have any spicy notes? It's called a rosy nosey and it's a little I don't know what it is but it's a Christmas themed beer. Does it have any spicy notes? It's an ale, like a bitter. Can I have a little taste? It's not unpleasant. Oh yeah it's like a mild, it's like an ale. Nice. I quite like it. No. It's not like the... Yeah there was another one they had which it didn't have which was called a Scrooge which I would guarantee is some kind of bitter or

Starting point is 00:40:10 You know stout kind of thing. It's what it looked like. A porter maybe. A dark beer. But I think that's quite pleasant as beers go. So there I've done the noodle update Any final words you'd like to say? This isn't the end of the episode by the way. We've still got to get on a bus next and then go all the way down to Charing Cross For the lights and a walk across the street I can see some people having some extremely reasonably priced fish and chips inside the pub there It's a Wetherspoons innit owned by that cunt Don't look too bad that fish and chips and it's probably a very good price on it. So we will exploit

Starting point is 00:40:42 Everything we can because we live in a time of great austerity as the rich people of this country keep on telling us for close to 15 years now. Longer than that mate, it's been going on forever anyway. We put the UGH in austerity. I put the OOOH in OOOH I've hurt myself. I did one of those where I didn't have any end for that bit. I didn't have a bit. I shouldn't have gone for it. Let this ever fucking stop you. It doesn't stop me. It should stop me, shouldn't it?

Starting point is 00:41:12 You shouldn't start saying something unless you've got the end of the thing you're about to say. I suffer from that a lot, but the thing is That's my USP. Everyone loves it when they listen to Cheap Show and they go, here's Paul, he's gonna say something and just know what to say next and I bet it goes nowhere. And in fact, I guarantee if I listen for a little bit... You've done it again! Oh! Now, what was your favourite charity shop?

Starting point is 00:41:37 I like the London Hospice, the North London Hospice. It's always bric-a-brac-y and I like that vibe. Good vibe there. There is a man who works in there who also works in Sounds of the Universe records. Never! Yeah, but I think he's obviously volunteering up here. He must live locally. Is he an older bloke?

Starting point is 00:41:54 Slightly older. Yeah. With time on his hands. Oh, you've got a little scotch by the way. I've got scotch and water, very nice. He's got you a bells. Lovely. Christmas bells.

Starting point is 00:42:04 Santa drink. Rosie Poses. You've seen Santa. Rosie Muno a bells. Bells. Lovely. Christmas bells. Santa drink. Rosie poses. You've seen Santa. Rosie nosy bonosy. I saw Santa again. I didn't tell you. The same one?

Starting point is 00:42:12 Yeah. You were sitting on the side by that church smoking a rollie. Like that. That's what he was up to. That Santa. I was up to him though because he'd go, calm down dear. No, you might want him to sit on his lap. Probably.

Starting point is 00:42:23 And give me an old Santa boney o Rosie Bozy, but now she can I Santa's Rosie Rosie bony Gona? Bony grown up. Give me a bony grown. I'm just gonna say bony grown up for a while. Welcome to bony grown up Santa's Rosie, but now she goes in my Not really worth anything anyway Let's just Can't be loud in this country. Fascist Britain. You can't even listen, use a recording device.

Starting point is 00:42:53 G-R-A-T-E Great Britain. Because it... Greats... Greats at me. C-R-A-T-E. Great Britain because they are boxes. She is incredible, she is all ridiculous, she is a-smatic, she is T-terrific, she is E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Baby give me your love baby. Give me your they kind of like a like a sub boney M is that what their vibe was like we've got boney M at home vibe African emigres to France I believe they were from one of the those because France had a bunch of Colonies didn't they cook them. They're watching. Yeah, it's a camera

Starting point is 00:44:00 Oh look, there's express dairy logo on the back of here. Did it used to be a milk house? Did it used to make milk house? How dare you! You did it again! You did it again! Come on, let's go to the milk house! You've got this way of like, when you don't know the exact term, to go for this sort of simplified, like you know... I go for all the words around it.

Starting point is 00:44:23 Like a library would be like a book house You know they like it's a simple if you use that that naming convention with everything it would be how simple think how simple everything would be It would be very sweet house. I'm gonna get some sausages from the meat house Oh, don't forget to go to the food house is the supermarket. That's too general though I'd have to call it food food warehouse I Got to go piss. I think that's going to happen now. I'm going to finish me rosy nosy and then I'm going to drain the old big old beast. I'm going to whip the big old beast out. It's going to go flonk on the porcelain. Does it touch the porcelain?

Starting point is 00:45:01 Do you have to give it a wipe? My balls touch the porcelain? Do you have to give it a wipe? My balls touch the fucking porcelain these days. I often worry about what objectively the world sees when I'm naked. Like if I could take yourself out of my body when I'm having a shower and I'm looking at myself naked, would I cry if I saw me? Yeah, you might. I certainly don't like the look of me. A little while ago, me and my partner were playing around and she was playing with my

Starting point is 00:45:26 torch and she shone it through my very see-through Ghostbusters pyjama bottoms, right? And it caught the shadow outline of my ball bag and cast it onto the wall like the bat signal and it was the tragic thing because it was like really low hanging walls. That's just going to get worse. And that's not what they don't tell you when you're a thing because it was like really low hanging walls. That's just going to get worse. And that's not what they don't tell you when you're a kid. It's like puberty taxes. That is not what they don't tell you.

Starting point is 00:45:50 It is not what they tell you. It is. It's not what they tell you but it's not what they don't tell you. It isn't what they don't tell you. No that's too much. Now they tell you it if they do that. Either way they don't tell you when you're young that your balls will make a beeline to your knees when you get to your 40s.

Starting point is 00:46:05 Paul, I don't know what kind of education you had, but... 8pm, PE, 9 o'clock, history, 2 in the afternoon, ball dangling. So they did tell you? Ball dangling 101. They did tell you? Yeah, they did. Because I did have, it was a short lesson. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:22 And it was called, Your Balls Will Dangle. Can we stop talking now? Paul, they definitely, oh, my point was on a serious note, they definitely did. I definitely didn't hear stuff as I was growing up about how my balls would dangle later. I never heard that. You know, it's like comedians would do it, like how hairy noses and so forth. Oh, I didn't watch that. Do your balls hang low?

Starting point is 00:46:42 Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Or you'll never be a sail. Do your balls hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Or you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low? Why can't you be a sailor? I don't know, ask the fucking songwriter. Who wrote that song?

Starting point is 00:46:56 Alfred Pree Pop-a-top-top, alright? I'm gonna go for a piss and then we're gonna get the bus. I'm not sitting out here to be abused by the staff of this weather spitz. No smoking, no cameras, what do you do? You don't drink smoke, smoke, what do you do? Why would you have an outside place and no smoking? I don't understand it. Because this is Muddle Hill and the people here are a little bit...

Starting point is 00:47:14 Bet you can go out the front and smoke. Yeah you can, that's why I saw loads of them out the side. The old woodbines. No one smokes those anymore. In my head they all do. Right, so we're going to wrap this up and then we're going to get on a bus and go to Covent Garden where we'll see the Christmas lights and look at Oxford Street in full Christmas shopping bloom.

Starting point is 00:47:33 Go on, buy. To end on? Yeah, to end on. We've got a lot to do, let's keep going. I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

Starting point is 00:47:54 little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a a bit of a blowy if you offer it. Oh, the nilly shappy pads. Right, sorry. We're walking down the steps at Camden Town. Is this just Camden Station? Camden Town Station.

Starting point is 00:48:27 Right. The other one's Camden Road, right? That's right. Right. So I nearly fucking kicked off at this man. This fucking old man, right? Not an old man, like 50s maybe, 60s. But like our age.

Starting point is 00:48:40 A bit older. But anyway, he was trying to use his smartwatch to pay to get through the banister, but it wasn't working Yeah, actually that's the baluster Yeah, anyway, the point yeah anyway, and it's not working And so he rather than like step out the way He just kind of twists his wrist and he's trying to get his wrist on it. And it's like, it's not working, mate. Can you step aside?

Starting point is 00:49:08 There's like loads of people. Refused to refuse to listen to me. And then I went, excuse me. He then put his watch away and then got his phone out and I thought I'd just swipe his phone on it. And then that wasn't working. And I was like, use your fucking card. Use your fucking card, you fucking fucker.

Starting point is 00:49:19 Are we going south? Yeah, we're going south. You got my information? Via Charing Cross or bank? It's bank, isn't it? It's bank. God you're fucking fucker. Are we going south? Yeah we're going south. Via Charing Cross or bank? It's bank isn't it? It's bank.

Starting point is 00:49:32 Oh yeah, okay, Glaston Square, so hang on there's a sign. Yeah but there's one nearer. Via Charing Cross. So there's one on platform 4 in two minutes. Oh so anyway we're heading now down to Charing Cross. Went to Wendy's. And you had the French onion burger cheeseburger which was good

Starting point is 00:49:59 and I recommended. This is bank don't get on it. So we're on the platform and yeah it's highly recommended for Mr. Silverman I can say it was a recommendation worth investigating. It was tasty tasty very very tasty. French stewed onions. They're not stewed they're sort of sweated or whatever. They're caramelized slightly. Very salty, very umami. Umami. Don't say that. Oh wait, I just realised why you said don't say that. Yeah, I wasn't doing it that way though, honest. I wasn't doing it in that way. There's more Italian I was thinking in my head. Umama. You know like that? Anyway, one minute till the train comes and then, god shut up.

Starting point is 00:50:55 Oh it's coming in. Anyway I've stopped recording, I just wanted to get that off my chest, that man with his fucking wristwatch. Yeah, it's just like ready because we're heading into central London, it's going to be endless, endless bastards. Endless bastards! There we go, we're getting on. Why would you leave me? Right, we're getting on.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. We finally escaped the madness and the asylum of the underground and here we are in Seven Dials, the heart of Covent Garden. Would you agree or is that a statement not to make? I think it definitely is the heart of Covent Garden isn't it? Where else? Well the Covent Garden market itself, where they used to have... Hangings?

Starting point is 00:51:44 No, they used to have veg, didn't they? Oh yeah, true. It was veg and flowers. Lavender, lovely lavender. That kind of shit, innit? That kind of stuff, yeah. You will buy my roses. You could call that the centre of Covent Garden, but Seven Dials definitely has a shout.

Starting point is 00:52:01 I like it. It has a chance to be called... and there's a parasol like lighting. Do you know why it's called Seven Dials? There are seven streets going off it. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven. Yeah. But why dials and not, why is it called seven streets?

Starting point is 00:52:21 Perhaps dials is an old fashioned word for like signposts or something like that. We'll check that in the break and get back to you. I'm going to do that now. That's actually fascinating. I never thought of that. Look up where Seven Dials gets its name from and report back. Wait, I'll do the voice thing so you've got to be quiet for a second. Well that's not good podcasting is it? Well we all make it Paul, we've done it for nine years. Oh God. Oh don't shout at the tour just because they spent 20 quid on a fucking rickshaw playing Mariah Carey for the 18th time. How did 7 dials get its name? I don't know why you have to put that kind of weird spin on the inflection. Understood me. I know that's the thing. Sun dial pillar in the centre of the area so it's seven roads from the sun dial, you know it's sort of a... This is a sun dialy

Starting point is 00:53:02 kind of thing isn't it? Yes. It's a oh no there's you can see the dial blade yeah I know at the top you see the clock face yeah see that dial blade so it's still a sundial yeah yeah won't get much sun this time of bloody year now will you bloody hell in this country full stop by a lot of them. In this country bloody hell yeah. Alright you're too close to it now you're booming it out. I'm having fun. Let me place the muff nearest to your face which is acceptable for chitter-chatter you don't need to put your gob around it. What about booming it out. I'm having fun. Let me place the muff nearest to your face which is acceptable for chitter chatter. You don't need to put your gob around it. What about Chunter? Your mum's gunter hole. You bring up my mum's gunter hole one more time. I will literally push

Starting point is 00:53:35 you in it. I'll rub your face in my mum's gunter hole. I'll make you smoke a whole pack of my mum's Gunter rolls. Pal Mouse. Anyway erm. No she is a bit pal down there. Blue waffle. No I've got nothing. It's got a blue waffle. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:53:55 So what's happening now Paul? Well now we're going to walk from Seven Dowers, Regent Street, Oxford Circus, all the way to Hyde Park. We're going to walk to Hyde Park from here? Yeah. So I look at the route? Yeah, look at the route. And we're gonna take in all the Christmas lights

Starting point is 00:54:10 and the shopping and admire it and all that kind of shit until we get bored and end this episode early. So that's the plan. Cause we've done shopping for the day. I think we've got enough now for the, you know, you haven't seen everything or heard everything we've done. And I'm sorry, I refuse to film. It's a 40 minute walk. Yeah, that's about right. All right the you know you haven't seen everything or heard everything we've done, and I'm sorry

Starting point is 00:54:25 I refuse to film. It's a 40 minute walk. Yeah, that's about right. Alright, you're okay for that. 40 minutes. We'll go that way. Bish bosh bing bong diddle diddle oodah diddle eddle dada ling dong dong Ooh ooh ooshie oosh ooshie ooshie ooshie do edderman. Yes Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, years. Tim Minchin who is dining out on that isn't he? He is. What is Matilda? It's based on the book. Yeah but what happens in the book? The adults are horrendous. She's a gifted child and all the adults are horrible and it's got a very long story short. Imagine Carrie but with a happy ending. It was one of his laser novels, Dulles, because I never read it. My dad read all of them including Boy, his autobiography and stuff. It's one of my favorite books of his already at the same time We're just recording so we do a podcast so this is out and about talking bullshit

Starting point is 00:55:33 Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to listen to this we were told off once already for being too loud So I thought you were gonna do that We were gonna get tired of people telling us off on the street for being rowdy No, we were going to get tired of people telling us off on the street for being rowdy, so... I'm sitting here laughing actually. Oh dear. Very, very good. What's the name of it? I just said you've been quite quiet.

Starting point is 00:55:49 That makes a change. What's the name of your podcast? It's called Cheap Show. Cheap Show. And it's also to going to charity shops or doing things for basically nothing. Okay. What we try. Although apologies in advance, because it's an unhinged show, as you may have...

Starting point is 00:56:03 A little bit of bad language on the... Sorry? What's it called? Cheap Show. Cheap Show? There you go. It's very funny so far. I've just been listening. I'm like they've got to be doing something because they're just so entertaining with each other. We never talk like this in real life. Oh I'm gonna blush now.

Starting point is 00:56:18 Cheap as in... As in inexpensive. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like a play on peep show. cheap show? More like creep show, the horror film, it's all the same kind of business. Anyway, but anyway, we're gonna... Follow your podcast. Well we apologize in advance for anything that may upset you in the meantime. All right, we'll enjoy your time here, take care. Right, let's get walking. We've got a route to go.

Starting point is 00:56:44 What is it about... I keep forgetting that we do this in public sometimes. You've got rapport. I think that's quite cheery. We get well bored of each other and everything, don't we? Well, no, here's the thing. Familiarity breeds contempt, it's that whole thing. And I have lots of contempt for you. I'm seething with contempt, barely below the surface. Foaming at the tip of my cheesy, flawless helmet. That has made me...

Starting point is 00:57:10 That has made me happy. It's made me realise that yes, okay, we're not James A. Castor, or Henry Widdicombe or whatever. We still are professionals. And people like us. Just because we're not fucking The fucking the news quiz or have I got boring news for you. Have I got tropey comedy for you? Oh there's Neil's Yard's Dairy mate. Neil's Yard's Dairy? You mean, no you mean Neil's Yard's

Starting point is 00:57:37 Milkhouse? It's a cheese house mate. Have I I've got a recorder though. You did? Yeah I did. It's got a lot of colour in this week's episode of The Public. Look how much a whole Stilton will set you back. 165 quid. It's like that size. What would you do with it? Keep it for several months.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Years. Give it to all of your guests at Christmas. How long can you keep cheese like that for? In prime conditions before you throw it out? It depends because if you keep it they come the rind acts as a seal do you see what I mean in a lot of cheeses so once you've broken into the rind I think it's only got a certain amount of time. But you can, cheese does keep it for a long time because it's essentially off already and you can you know if you've got moldy cheese in the fridge or whatever yeah you can just slice the mold and then it's fine inside

Starting point is 00:58:27 this way the gooey niceness inside is still fine yeah but that's Neil's yard that's who's there people do you remember there was a big cheese heist earlier this year I vaguely remember the mate it was everywhere talking about stealing loads of cheese it was them that got their cheese stolen. Ocean's Emmental. Ocean's Guri... That's alright, Ocean's Emmental. Anyway... What other heist films are there? Quick, give me them.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Erm... Oh, there's a car separating us now. The Italian job. The Parmigiano job. The Italian cheese job. Right, okay, let's get this walk on because between here and... Are you even going in the right way? Yeah, because we go this way and it takes us up towards Leicester Square and then we go up towards Regent Street that way.

Starting point is 00:59:11 Let me just see. Let me just see. We're doing it the Eli's way. Right, we'll see you in a bit anyway because there's not much between here and there to talk about. We're just asking for even contempt for each other. I swear. I am one far away from an accident. Mate, I told you we would have to deal with this. You know what, how sick this has got? You actually cultivate needing a shit for the comedic effect it will have.

Starting point is 00:59:33 And that's not good news, man. It's a psychological minefield. Oh, I like that shirt. I like that shirt with the dead skulls and the thing on. It's like tattoo art, isn't it? Yeah, I like that. Did you see that guy and the thing on. It's like tattoo art. Yeah, I like that. Did you see that guy in the bus?

Starting point is 00:59:48 No. All the tattoos and a black eye tattoo. He had a skull, face tattoo. He looked like that. Yeah, no, half his face was done to be a skull. And the eye on that side, he had a jet black... Is he gangster or something? No, no, punk.

Starting point is 01:00:01 A jet black contact lens that made his eye look all black. Oh, I didn't know it was like that, because he was looking at something that's on the ground. I think he's just a Camden punk who used to make, you know, there's all those people who sort of make money with taking their photos with tourists up on the bridge. We should do that. We should do that. We should hang around Camden.

Starting point is 01:00:19 We should take their photos with us. We look like relatively ordinary blokes. Mate, take a brick to my mouth and draw on my face with a beard and pen and then we'll just say oh. I mean I can do the first part if you want. See that all day mart American caddy store, do you know what that used to be? Coffee shop. That was Forbidden Planet.

Starting point is 01:00:37 It used to be there. Oh back in the day before it moved right over the road there to its bigger premises. I used to love it there though, it was a proper comic shop then, you know, not just a toy store with some comics or whatever. Yeah, boo! You don't care! No, I don't give a shit. Right, let's crack on. There's a free bar? Don't tell him that please. Right, we're walking, we're not going into a Pepsi pop-up snow, snow, snow hole. They've got artificial snow, you can have a snowball fight and there's a free bar.

Starting point is 01:01:30 Let's start a TikTok while we're at it and fuck a pimp. Fuck a pimp. I don't know what I was saying. No, you never did. It's one of my famous can't end a sentence, humorous asides that everyone loves me for. Tell everyone where we are. We are right now on Bateman Street, named after actor Jason Bateman, star of Ozark and Teen Wolf 2.

Starting point is 01:01:51 It's actually named after Patrick Bateman, the character from American Psycho. Either way, it's based on a good looking psychopath. Yeah, you could say they both were good looking psychopaths. We are walking down this now through Soho because we're gonna pop out the other side hopefully on the regions of streets do you think we're gonna traumatize that poor American lady when she actually listens to the show absolutely all right well we did warn her you warned her I did say I apologize in advance for our content. And I said something about bad language as well.

Starting point is 01:02:25 Yeah. So, you know... Dog and duck, yeah. Dog and duck. I've never been to dog and duck. It's like an old school Soho boozer. I've been to the dogs and dick. I've been to dicks by a dog. I've been to the duck's dick.

Starting point is 01:02:41 I've been up a duck's arse and dicks by a dog. See, this is what we do. We find the sentence and then we ruin it by just slapping a dick in it. I mean, I've been ruining things by slapping a dick in my whole life. It never stops, Paul. It never stops. It never stops.

Starting point is 01:02:55 The dicking never stops. And that's a promise. The dicking never stops, cheap show. Right, so we're walking through Soho now. No, you're talking about Green Park. Are you talking about Green Park? I'm not through Soho now. No you're talking about Green Park. Are you talking about Green Park? I'm not talking about any park what are you talking about? Where we're going? We're coming out on Regent Street and then we'll follow the curve of Regent Street up to Oxford Circus and then along Oxford. That's not Hyde Park.

Starting point is 01:03:20 I'm sorry. I know. To be all correcty but that isn't Hyde Park then. I know but we're not going to that we're walking all the way along towards Marble Arch. That's where we that's where winter wonderland is. That's where Hyde Park is yes. That's what we're doing. I thought I made that abundantly clear but apparently a peckerhead brain like you can't figure that out. Ooh get you. You know what you made it abundantly clear. Abundantly clear more like. That's exactly what I just said. That's exactly what I just said.

Starting point is 01:03:51 You're just doing this now? I'm just doing that now. Oh dear. Yeah because it shuts you up and you get angry and sullen so that's why I do it. I like this little cobbly street, it's one of my favourite cobbly streets in London. Which one? Number one? Number one? Number one that was used as the exterior of Toast of London's flat in Toast of London. Oh the Matt Berry thing yeah which was alright. It was patchy. It's patchy

Starting point is 01:04:17 it has some wonderful moments but I think it's overall very patchy. The quality seemed to go further down with that one. There you go. It's a nice exterior isn't it? Not that any working voiceover actor would be able to afford to live there. No, not his failed career of a thing. But it's like the Friends flat, isn't it? They couldn't afford that in New York at those rates. Also Paul, I saw the Golem.

Starting point is 01:04:41 What's he called, that guy? Golem? The guy who played Golem. Andy Serkis? I saw him here. What doing? He was just getting a bike. A blowjob?

Starting point is 01:04:50 No, not on the street, he wouldn't do that. Why not? One observation about Andy Serkis, he's a very small person. Tiny man. Tiny man? Well you're a tiny man. I know. You have a lot in common.

Starting point is 01:05:03 Yes, I should have gone up to him and gone, I'm tiny too. Get me in the movies, will you? And you've both got a very precious ring. Parents, Italian. That doesn't work. It does. It does. Why?

Starting point is 01:05:14 Is my ring precious? I've sully it every day. What's Gollum's real name? He has a name before Gollum. Er, Schmiegel. Schmiegel. Eli Schmiegelman. That was a nickname I had been called Schmiegel.

Starting point is 01:05:24 I'm bringing it back. 2025. The Schmiegelman. Schmiegelman. That was a nickname I had been called Schmiegel. I'm bringing it back. It's a good nickname isn't it? 2025, the Schmiegelman. Schmiegelman Silverman. Yeah, it's got a bit of sass to it. It's a legitimate nickname that I will accept. Schmiegel. Salt Bae.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Or Schmee, for short. Schmee. Schmee. So next time you see Eli in the street, shout out as loud as you can, Oi, fucking Schmiegelman. He'll like that. I like that sandwich bar, I used to go there before gigs. That used to be the Intrepid Fox, didn't it? That one on the corner. Bar Bruno's still there though, it's still very good value. They do spaghetti, all that stuff. Cook breakfast, lovely. It's lovely now. It's one of the few things that I hope never leaves London completely, the old greasy spoon.

Starting point is 01:06:04 I know, and it is one of the few remaining, but it does remain. Good, I hope it remains for a long, long time. Gosh, comic book shop there. Iceberg and remain lettuce. Insert context of pun joke here. I'll think of one. Oh, we've done it already, I was going to say, what did you vote for the big lettuce? I voted Romaine. Good gag. Good,. That's genuinely good gag. Yes, but oh, I don't think much of so hose lights

Starting point is 01:06:31 They just seem to be like shitty. They are shitty. We're on Brewer aren't we now? Again, this is change since my day. It should be a little pokey backstreet with market stores on and well They do still have the market every day. They do but you can tell like all these shops have been gutted and re-evaluated because there used to be that party shop didn't there Ria? Where you could buy wigs and shit. So Hi So Ho, that's still here. Let me just take a picture of these. Reasonably, oh they moved across the road.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Yeah and they don't do head shop stuff anymore. They used to have like Rizzlers and pipes and you know that kind of stuff. Ah cunts. Let me just take a picture of these awful lights. They're on purpose. That is- Are they though? Yes. Of course they are. I don't believe it. Those are like old school. I think that's someone's best work. No, that's not. Because they're friends of someone in the media. That is not, that is ironic. That's an ironic reindeer. Why would you want to put ironic Christmas lights up? Because it's funny isn't it? I'm not laughing. I like these. I'm like the average listener to this podcast.

Starting point is 01:07:26 It's not very funny, is it? I like those. There's Christmas cake. You know where you are with them. There's a snowman up there, they're great. I just think some, like there's been more effort than others. And I think the ones that are poor let the side down and take away the Christmas festivities, frankly frankly You're just being contemptuous for no reason

Starting point is 01:07:46 No I'm not Contrary No I'm not Right, oh wind Mr. Fancy Pancy ordering a proper Christmas tree Oh yeah No I agree but apparently my girlfriend will not have, will not have a fake tree in the house. Well it leaches out Jesus, doesn't it, somehow.

Starting point is 01:08:08 Because it pisses Jesus off if you don't buy a Christmas tree. Yeah, it pisses him off. What's that broadwick stew? There's an elephant and two elephants with mint pie hands. This is an elephant stew broadwick. Those are quite cool, aren't they, take a shot of that. Yeah, take a picture of that. And here's an idea for you. Put it in focus as well when you take a picture. Just, it's just like you and yourself. Look at the contempt! I'm just saying,, big hair frizz. And here's an idea for you. Put it in focus as well when you take a picture. Just like you said.

Starting point is 01:08:26 Look at the contempt. I'm just saying, take a good picture. Just make sure it's in focus mate. I do pack, remember that one that was a transcendently beautiful photo I took of you? The exception that proves the rule. Isn't it? That's what I'm getting at here. Listen mate, a lot of people like my photography. Yeah, blind people and idiots.

Starting point is 01:08:42 You're such a piece of shit man. You're such a piece of shit. I'm not a piece of shit, I'm a cynical miserable man who didn't get what he wanted earlier in life and so is bitter about it now. Is that in focus enough for you? Get the whole sign in. Get a bit of Joe DeViva in. That's it. I've taken three shots, they're all in focus. I'll be the judge of that. You'll be the judge of that because you'll see the pictures on Instagram or on our website thecheapshot.co.uk Oh we've got badges. Can you tell them about badges? We popped into Forbidden Planet and there was cheap badges so we got...

Starting point is 01:09:13 Cuphead The Devil from Cuphead. It's a lovely badge. It's a lovely badge. And two quid is a good price. I love the Cuphead badges. I like the aesthetic and the design. I've got the dice and I've got this now. I've got... The Cupman. Oh you have the Cupman as well. I've got the Cupman and. I've got the dice and I've got this now. I've got the cup man.

Starting point is 01:09:26 Oh you have the cup man as well. I've got the devil man. Oh look we're going past Soho Radio where we sometimes are called with guests and stuff. And you do your Soho Radio show don't you? I did yesterday, there was a problem with the internet though. Sorry apologies anyone who tried and listened. But there's a back catalogue of great past episodes on Mixcloud. Just look for Eli Silverman's House of Pickle Sound or something.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Oh it's obviously working again. Who's in there right now? past episodes on Mixcloud. Just look for Eli Silverman's House of Pickle Sound or something. Oh, it's obviously working again. Who's there? Who's in there right now? Someone's doing something. Press your ass against the window, go on. Fine, I think he's doing a pre-record though. Fair enough. He's got no producer? No producer.

Starting point is 01:09:57 Oh, he's living by the edge. You know what? Did you recognise someone? What? I might go and take a piss. Oh, that's a good idea. Because I've got my bloody... We'll go and do it then? Shall we do that?

Starting point is 01:10:08 Yeah, right go on. Right, we're going to take a piss at Soho Radio. Oh, it's good to be the king. Right, well, I have to get out of here because I left a basic crime scene back there. Because I didn't expect to need to do something more urgent than a tinkle. I knew it was... listen this has been foreshadowing the whole episode but at least you didn't have an incident like I had in Camden town when we walked the Regents canal. It was nice, clean, private, smells nice smells nice. Well it did smell nice. It won't ever again probably

Starting point is 01:10:47 but there'll be a lingering... If we go back next week and there's police tape over that door I would not be surprised. I've been there and I've gone down there and someone has destroyed the whole bottom basement. Now I left it clean and left no markings or stains or evidence however... The smell is what stains the mind. Eww mate. Hey that's good that. The stain is what smells, the smell is what stains the mind. There you go Tony, put it on a t-shirt for us, print and repeat. But mate, I just want to

Starting point is 01:11:14 put... I feel better. Good. Because there were moments where... You're thinking of farting and you're scared to because you don't want to shit yourself. And there was a very wet moment earlier in the episode that I was genuinely worried. Something had gone wrong? I'd basically done an impression of James Bond's car trying to get rid of baddies by dropping oil slicker behind. What do you think of these Ugg shoes? Uggly. Really? With the blue sole? They put the Ugg in Uggly.

Starting point is 01:11:37 Like Birkenstocks? No I don't like any of these shoes. I like those felt Birkenstocks. I mean it's fine I guess if you... Yeah I mean what I'm wearing are ugly trainers but they're also like ten pounds from Aldi so I don't give two shits. Oh I like those. Yeah no I like those. Anyway we're not here we're not we're not a trainer show. No we're a poo podcast. We fell over everyone. Anyway I just wanted to say yeah Carnaby let's, let's not, let's not. I just wanted to say, yeah Carnaby, let's go round. All I wanted to say was now that I've dropped toffee I feel much lighter on my feet and

Starting point is 01:12:12 honestly re-energised. You're floating along. Oh have you had that cat thing when a cat takes a poo and then it gets anal stimulation or whatever? Yeah, mad for it. You know what the problem is Paul? What? It's raining. It's only a little bit, we might get for it. You know what the problem is, Paul? What? It's raining. It's only a little bit.

Starting point is 01:12:26 We might get through it. I don't like it. You don't like any? We don't like anything. We don't like anything. You don't like each other? No, we love each other, really. We wouldn't do it for nine years if we didn't.

Starting point is 01:12:40 I mean, Carnaby Street's Carnaby Street, isn't it, really? Let's avoid it. But you can avoid it. Well, you have to walk down all of Oxford Street. Yeah but we can avoid that if we get pissed off. So I just want to take some pictures of the street and go Oh look Christmas! We're going to end our at Hyde Park. Yeah we're not going to go into Winter Wonderland because

Starting point is 01:12:56 A. It will do our ending. B. It's too expensive. And it's all in 7 o'clock. And yeah and I've got to go home and have a rumbly And all the way back to Harrah. And have a bath and wash my... What? A wa bath.

Starting point is 01:13:07 A wa bath. A wa bath, a wank. A wank in the bath. Yes, in that. Well, a bit too much there. I'm going to make a... Little floaty bubbles. What's that soup you get from Wagamama's with bits in?

Starting point is 01:13:21 It's like that. What was my seed? You mean like from a Chinese restaurant? Yeah. Sweet corn, crab meat and sweet corn. Yeah, tell me about it mate. Egg drop soup. Tell me about it mate. That's what the boy looked like before I just left at Soho radio. Anyone order egg drop soup? Anyway, let's get back onto the road. We'll come back to you in a bit. We've just got to get, oh it's crowded here. Let's just get through it. let's get back onto the road, we'll come back to you in a bit. We've just got to get... Oh, it's crowded here. Let's just get through it. Let's get through it.

Starting point is 01:13:47 We're going to go right here. Yeah, up and right. Dear London Rickshaw drivers at the Christmas period, there are more songs than Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You. I would like to just state that politely and with respect. Yes, you know what, if you encourage them to play something else, you know what they'll All I want for Christmas is you. I would like to just state that politely. And what to expect. If you encourage them to play something else, you know what they'll play? Last Christmas. And last Christmas, funnily enough,

Starting point is 01:14:12 it was like I was being fucking stalked by one of them. You could hear it coming round the corners everywhere you went. You know what I mean? Just sitting there, man you're over there, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding 3D effects. Yeah, the presence. We would have to pay. Take a picture of it so people who are listening can go, oh I understand what he's saying. Right, so we're on Oxford Street now, we've just crossed over the major intersection by the station. Central line for those who wish to know. Of course the other lines go through it but the central line is the major one. And now we're going to walk all the way down.

Starting point is 01:15:08 We'll toss this off, you won't have to hear too much of it. What have you got to say about me? Just that you are incredibly well endowed and one of the most generous millionaires on the planet. And talented. Nah, I specifically didn't say that bit. So we're going to be here tonight when we're doing night busing. We just passed through Oxford Circus. Yes, Patreon people. So you know, night busing's coming for Christmas. You'll get it before the big day, before Jesus' big day, you'll get that.

Starting point is 01:15:33 Cool, look, there's another. This is where you get all the vinyl toys from Korea and so forth. Which I still don't get the appeal of a toy that is basic, looks like shit, takes up valuable resources and then just stick on your shelf for years. Landfill. Oh what's this? John Lewis, the great big white balls on the outside this year. They look nice actually.

Starting point is 01:15:59 Eli and Paul review the shop Christmas shop fronts. Now I like big white balls. Oh look they've got, it looks like spunk. Now I like big white balls. Oh look they've got, it looks like spunk. It does look like spunk. I've got to have a shot. It looks like spunk! Alright mate, again we are in public and three women just looked at you with concern because a full Sparrowman shouted it looked like spunk out loud. I'm really scared of getting my phone snatched.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Well don't come over here, I'm behind you. It does look like spunk. I don't know who decided. Look, even if that's true, it's obviously not. I'll explain, there's a projection, a light show, projected on the side of John Lewis here on Oxford Street. And you took a picture so you can see that, can't you? And unfortunately it looks like someone's just arcing big rivulets have come down the side of a building. Is it meant to be snow? It looks too liquid. But you're right, it's too liquid to be snow.

Starting point is 01:16:50 It looks too gloopy to be snow. To a trained eye, to my trained eye, that's very much a spunk thing. Is that Cavendish? That's where the Phoenix is where we did some early gigs in our career. We've gone past it, it's round the back of that but yeah, effectively. Anyway, can we cross here? of that but yeah, effectively. Anyway, we're at the crossing. Right, so here we go. Oh, we're going to get some shelter if we walk under the John Lewis... Yeah, and you can see what the toys are.

Starting point is 01:17:14 Oh, it's an advent condom with automated doors. Opening and closing with all the things you can buy here. Lilo and Stitch. Penguin. Plushies. Marvel. There's the Hulk and Captain America. closing with all the things you can buy here. Lilo and Stitch, Penguin, T-Rex, Marvel, Captain America, Lego, Reindeer down there, Christmas trees.

Starting point is 01:17:32 All the classics. What's happening is you can see the Pistons are like that. That is opening these oversized Advent Calendar doors. You can take a picture of that now as well. I mean I can take a picture if you want. Oh yeah, I'm never in pictures. I mean I could take a picture if you want. Oh yeah I'm never in pictures. Here's us. Now I don't know it's it's moved it's been rolled down the hill. Why is there loud music? What's this? What's going on?

Starting point is 01:18:02 What's this? What's going on? It's too loud. I mean, I get it. It's just too loud. We're going to have to come back to you. It's too loud. Motherfucking hell, I can't hear nothing. I guess I'm feeling pretty good in the water The thing is, is that reeks of you better do this or we'll pop? Are they even busking or are they just celebrating? No I think they are busking Because what else are you doing?

Starting point is 01:18:40 Maybe just having a nice sing outside Oh, what's this? Start. The start. Projection on the ground of foot movements. Like a dance thing. But how you meant it what? I'm overwhelmed Eli right now aren't you? It's a sensory overload down here. Not in a good way. No fucking knows, eh? Is that Margot Robbie? No, it's Robert Margot. Look at me, it's if that was funny. Well, I didn't commit to that.

Starting point is 01:19:12 You had a real look. Come on. You were proud of yourself or something? I'm never proud of myself, but I do long for a good laugh. I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud of myself.! You were proud of yourself or something? No, I'm never proud of myself but I do long for a... I do long for a...

Starting point is 01:19:32 Effective pun? Yeah. Pants there. Not in... Palsadonia. It's Swarovski. It doesn't look like it sells pizza at all. What's this? Swarovski?

Starting point is 01:19:43 I don't get the appeal of Swarovski. Isn't it just shit class? It's class, yeah. It's custom jewellery. Why are you buying though? It's custom jewellery. Yeah, we can get that from fucking any... I can get that from Zara if you wanted it. I guess it's a better quality of custom jewellery. I got my...

Starting point is 01:19:58 Is there someone else basking you in our... Yeah. What's this? Where am I hearing this? What the fuck is going on down here? I don't like it. It's like Blade Runner or something isn't it? No, it's more like David Lynch. It just feels really unworldly. Here We're walking down Oxford Street, going to get to Marvel Arch. Marvel Arch. I was going to say Marvel Arch Corner, but it's not, is it? It's just Marvel Arch.

Starting point is 01:20:31 Well listen, I think we've been recording for enough. We'll come back in a bit, alright? Yeah, we're going up past Selfridges. Yeah, so we'll give you our opinion on the Selfridges window when we get there. Oh, there was something I wanted from Selfridges. Some kind of American food product. Oh do you want to pop in? Yeah. Oh god, alright. It's not very cheap if we go to Selfridges is it? No. Alright, anyways, see you in a bit. We'll see if it's too crowded. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Oh Disney Store, we're not going in there. Right, so here we are at Marble Arch corner. What are they doing to Marble Arch? Are they cleaning it because it's all been wrapped up? Yeah, there's a big H&M hat on it now. Which is not what we needed. I think they're probably giving it a clean, giving it a bit

Starting point is 01:21:38 of a spruce, giving it a little bit of a tidy up. A little bit of a splosh, splosh, splosh, splosh. Metaphorically speaking, Marble Arch is wiping its dick on the curtains. Ha ha ha. Certainly unique points to praise. You know what I mean? That's what they pay me for on this podcast. Anyway, we got... I love stuff like that. We got... Oh, green trippy bus! Oh, oh, oh!

Starting point is 01:21:59 Oh, yeah, what is that? Strobe in me out, man. Strobe in me out, dude. What? Who designed that? It's not in service, but it is green. Is it a tour bus? It must be, yeah. What is that strobing me out man? It's strobing me out dude. Who designed that? It's not in service but it is green. Is it a tour bus? It must be yeah. What is that? Hop on hop off London?

Starting point is 01:22:11 Yeah golden tours. I don't like that green. I don't like that green. It's too, it's too, am I about to tron out kind of vibe. Vectrex, just like a Vectrex bus. We walked up past, no no no before No, no, no, before that, Selfridges. Selfridges. And looked in their window.

Starting point is 01:22:29 He's off, he's just walked ahead. Come here, you're going too far. So we went past Selfridges. Windows, I'm going to give, six out of ten. You didn't like them, did you? No, I thought they were underwhelming and just basically glitz and chintz. Yes, so there was one display which was like anime themed, but then they just had this kind of basic looking silver jewellery and it didn't really fit with the theming. But there was others that were kind of glitter caves, kind of 70s, almost like a 60s Bieber sort of Art Nouveau. It wasn't great, you're right.

Starting point is 01:23:01 It wasn't magical. It was kind of weirdly conservative in some respects. It was a little bit conservative and then we went past H&M was it? Yeah they had a big snowman in a snow globe and I thought that was delightful. And it had several snowmen made of glitter balls. You see for me mirror balls strictly speaking. Well why are they called mirror balls? If you're going to correct me on every single thing. I'm happy to be correct. Glitter balls. Mirror balls. Oh yeah sorry, mirror balls. Let's call the whole thing off. What's a glitter ball? Like a glittery one. Yeah like more glittery. Glitter bomb. Glitter like that. That's something you can do to someone. I'm not that guy's old but you know. Those are balloons with LED lights in. That's more of a glitter ball than a mirror

Starting point is 01:23:40 ball wouldn't you argue? I don't want to keep talking about this. Well no, I don't. Mirable, you were right. Can we just stop with that? You were right, Mirables. I stand corrected. I sit down corrected. I have a wank corrected. I lean to one side corrected.

Starting point is 01:23:52 I have a wank corrected. Yeah? The work for King Cow in your dick. I'm sick of this now. Boomerang knob. Right, Hyde Park, Winter Wonderland, we're outside and it says Red Gate, ideal for Santa Land, Gold Gate. Get your tickets ready, it's ticketing. Have you got to pay to get in? Yeah. Oh then we're outside and it says Red Gate ideal for Santa Land Gold Gate, have you got to pay to get in? Oh, then we're not going in. No, we're not. Because I don't want to pay to walk around a crowded fun fair

Starting point is 01:24:12 Where we don't buy anything. Do these fitness people doing some fitness thing here? MMB Run Club, so it's a run club. They're probably gonna run around the park aren't they? They're gonna terrorise us, take a photo of them. I tell you what, we can walk around it I guess. Do you want to go in the park anyway? Well we can walk around it, they can't force us in. No the ticket line is further down there. Yeah we'd have to go in there. I just thought it was free to get in. Not anymore mate, nothing in this world is. It's not very wonderful is it? They gouge you, yeah they gouge you. Why do people go for the kids and you have

Starting point is 01:24:44 to pay? Because it's like, you know, you're expected to, you know. It's not very wonderful is it? They gouge you, yeah they gouge you. Why do people go for the kids and you have to pay? Because it's like, you know, you're expected to, you know? It's disgusting though isn't it? Yeah, the whole world is disgusting. Because I think the whole thing is basically what? A theme park, a funfair that would come to your town once a year anyway. I'm not into Christmas fairs as an idea. I like the Easter bank holiday fair.

Starting point is 01:25:02 Let's have a little look anyway, because we can take some pictures to pretend we were nearby it. So here we go, look, shitty roller coaster. A little roller coaster. A dangly roller coaster. It's a dangler, isn't it? I want to have an official turn. Watch out for this cycle. Yeah, here we go.

Starting point is 01:25:17 We're on the cycle lane. So, I mean. It is raining. It's just, what's the red, the mega dome? The mega, that's the circus, circus mega dome? That's the circus. Circus mega dome. There's a circus here? People don't go to the circus anymore. Yeah, it's a circus. Probably has just acrobats and stuff. If I wanted to see animals being abused for entertainment, I'd look into my neighbour's garden.

Starting point is 01:25:38 Do the kids abuse the cat? It's not fun times. Oh no. They chase it around with a stick. Yeah, a bang on the glass and I say, don't bang on the glass and I say don't do that to kitty kitty You shouldn't do that to kitty kitty Trying to grab it by its ear. Do you know what that roller coaster looks all right fucking eight kids Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone that's a roller coaster looks fun. No, it doesn't it's a dang

Starting point is 01:26:00 But that's all it does Wow, you've been really negative. This is nice It's a dingle dangler. But that's all it does. Wow, you're being really negative. This is nice. It's not. It's happy Christmas everyone. It's not. If this was nice it would be free and everyone would be gaily skipping around.

Starting point is 01:26:09 It ain't free for sure. And it ain't free. Jesus Christ. Anyway, I bought you a soft drink. Yeah, we'll have that in a minute. I promise you. But let's go a bit. Can you take a picture?

Starting point is 01:26:18 Sure. Because I've got me hands full of everything. And this has got, and I need, you're right. Can I take a selfie? Yeah, let's do that. Can I take a selfie? Yeah, let's do that. Let's do a selfie time. Be careful, I'm so scared of someone snatching my phone. Alright.

Starting point is 01:26:30 Well, that's the only crime that happens on the street. Alright, well the more you draw attention to it, the worse, isn't it? That fucking big-headed cunt walked in front of the fucking wheelie bin. The wheelie bin? That's a ferris wheel. The ferris of the fucking wheelie bin. The wheelie bin? That's a ferris wheel. The ferris wheel. The wheelie bin. A wheelie bin.

Starting point is 01:26:51 You're mad, you are. You're mad. I'll take one picture of you with the wheelie bin in the background. Wheelie bit. Wheelie bit. The wheelie bit of the picture. That's all all I meant. Wow my hair is really freaking out. Your hair doesn't do well in moisture I've realised. That's good. Good alright sweet pictures on our website thecheapshow.co.uk I've got to

Starting point is 01:27:17 stop being cynical. It's Christmas you know what I'm gonna do that's gonna help us. What? I'm gonna hit my pen vape And do you know what? I came up with the other day What? To call this pen vape What? Get ready for this Thank God Penderman Danklin

Starting point is 01:27:34 Ha ha ha ha ha ha yeah Come on that's excellent I'm sorry I have my moments That was one I mean I would have called it Gorge Bush But why what does Gorge refer to? Gorgeous and then Bush is the weed. No but Penn it's a Penn vape. Ah fuck off go home.

Starting point is 01:27:49 I'm done now. Please just say that was good. It was good. C.C. Penniston. Well tell you what let's sit here on this bench and have this drink. Okay. Alright hang on. Right I think we've had our Christmas shopping day now I think. We've decided not to go into Winter Wonderland because it seems an expensive cost that we don't need to spend. Not only that, I bet you can't pay cash on the door.

Starting point is 01:28:16 You know what I mean, we'd have to probably download an app, you know? I hate having to download an app just to make a simple purchase or eat a meal in a restaurant. Ooh, you tech bro bastards! Or get your prescription for your fucking medicine, for example. Fuck off! That's a bit more...

Starting point is 01:28:32 Calm down, it's Christmas. It's a season of goodwill, good age to all and... Stop! ...merry dankmas. Hey, that's more like, hey, good idea. He's got to have a puff on his dankstank. Alright, Benjamin Dankmus. Hey, that's more like it. Hey, good idea. He's got to have a puff on his dank stank. Benjamin Danklin. So look, next week Eli, Office Christmas Party, last episode of the year. Is it?

Starting point is 01:28:54 Yeah. Wow, because you were having a week off during the Christmas week. But we should try and maybe do a recording session. Well no, we are obviously for the new year, but what I'm saying is, for 2024... Could we try and do the Grampy session, like you said? Are we still up for that? Yes, we can do a bit of it, yeah. It's not important, the important thing is next week at Office Christmas Party is the last one of the year and we've got two lovely guests coming to the Office Christmas Party this year because last year, if you seem to remember,

Starting point is 01:29:19 it was all in my head and no one came and I was on my own in a spooky building. I don't know what happened, I wasn't there. But you weren't there. I wasn't there. It was all in't know what happened. I wasn't there. You weren't there. I wasn't there. It was all in my mind. You wasn't there. It was all in my mind. Hey, okay Google.

Starting point is 01:29:30 Paul. Was it all in my mind? Paul, I'll tell you something. I wasn't there last year. It was all in your fucking mind. It was all in my mind. So this year I've rent... well... Dog and pickle. What's the fucking pub called? Spoff and pickle.

Starting point is 01:29:44 The Spoff and pickle. Oh, and you've rented the, the cum-chi lounge. See what they've done? No, it's the cum-chi, as in cum-chi. That's what we've called it, it is called the cum-chi. It's called the Spoff and pickle, no, it's called the cum-chi lounge. Spoff and pickle.

Starting point is 01:29:55 No, the owner said to me he's not calling it that muck. He says the cum-chi lounge, and he only wants to hear it referred to that. Well, he should change the name of the whole pub to the not just the pickle. It's a legacy he can't change the name of the pub. I thought that was quite clever calling it the company. It was but he doesn't like dirty comedy. It gets common pickle into one thing in a very clever way. He doesn't like comedy this landlord. He doesn't like brilliant expert wordplay is what he doesn't like. Well he's yet to hear any of that

Starting point is 01:30:21 frankly. All I'm saying is we've got the pub booked, we've got to be there, ready to go, I'm going to bring the booze, the guests are going to turn up, it's just that I think we kind of have to keep our voices down because he seems... Best behaviour. Well they're sound proofing on the kimchi lounge, sorry kimchi lounge isn't there? I don't know. I'll be best behaviour. Best behaviour lads. Pull the collar, pull the collar. So that's what we're doing next week. We've rented the pub, we're going to do a lock-in and we've got a lovely, I think it's going to be a delicate and classy affair. Good.

Starting point is 01:30:54 Right? So that's what we're doing next week. Join us for the last episode of the year, the Cheap Show, sixth annual Christmas office party and Eli wants me to finish this by drinking green sour cherry. Is it a cola or just sour cherry? It's made with sweetener from the stevia plant. Yeah. It's green cola. Yeah but you say you say that. Maybe it's just a sour cherry. Which is fine. You don't have to finish it I just thought you'd like to try it. I'll try it right now. They do do a cola so I just. Because one thing I want right now on a really cold day is an equally ice cold soft drink

Starting point is 01:31:25 All right There we go I can smell the cherry very soft not heavy cherry on the nose. Is there any cola notes? No, maybe it's just a cherryade a sour cherryade How is it it's a bit chalky have Have a little go. It's a little bit watery and chalky. Sorry I'm talking too close to this. Oh I like that. Yeah? Yeah. You want to finish it then? Because I've not taken to it. It's fine but I'm taking to it. I like that cherry flavour. It is a little bit watery on the

Starting point is 01:32:00 back end. That's what I don't think I like about it. I want a kind of more syrupy back end for cherry. What it is, is it's not real sugar. You really don't like it do you? It's not as bad as those other ones. Just give me sugar. Give me sugar and as an adult I'll depend on how much sugar goes in my body. I thought it would be a nice thing. I was going to buy you a Fentimans Dandelion and Burdock. Oh, but even that's changed these days. I don't know what the fuck they've done to it. All I'm saying is Fentimans gone down the bin. Fentimans go get Bentimans. Nice, nicely done.

Starting point is 01:32:35 So next week join us for the Office Christmas Party. We've bought our Christmas goodies ready to go. I've got a little thing for you Paul. I've got a little thing for you Eli. I think I am going to go up to Palmer's Green and see if I can pick up that Houdini book for you tomorrow. Fine. Yeah cool, we're all ready to go for Christmas party.

Starting point is 01:32:51 Join us next week for what I promise will be a lovely and very classy office party fair. We'll be joined by Ethan Lawrence and Tom Mayhew and we'll run in the bar. Alright. Alright, good. Well we still need to sort that out as well, get some mixer things. I've got that, I've asked a few dodgy people I know to get me some cheap booze. Mate, do you see what happened in Laos? What?

Starting point is 01:33:15 They got poisoned, because that stuff that isn't ethanol that gets into booze and people get poisoned to death. Oh I'm going to have to cancel my fucking order now. Well just be careful. Alright. Methanol I think is cool. Shall we say goodbye to them? They've been listening for so order now. Well just be careful. Alright. Shall we say goodbye to them? They've been listening for so long now. Here we are in Hyde Park on a lovely crisp wintery evening

Starting point is 01:33:31 not going in the corporate hellsphere, hell space, just there. It's just there, the corporate hell space. We won't be going anywhere near it. We're in the speaker's corner. Where are we? This is speaker's corner. And we're speaking. We're speaking. And we're in the speaker's corner. Where are we Cheap Show? This is the speaker's corner. And we're speaking. We're speaking. And we're speaking our minds. And we're allowed to speak, aren't we? And we are. And we won't be stopped by strange ladies. No.

Starting point is 01:33:50 Eat the rich. Eat them. To the bone. Come on. Get the marabou jelly out the rich. Get something out of these cans. Thanks for listening everyone. Thank you for listening.

Starting point is 01:33:59 Thank you for supporting Cheap Show the past year, if indeed you do. Spread the word, review on podcast apps and if you fancy it, support us on patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, lots of goodies there for you to explore. It's got a lovely cherry but you're right, it's that empty sweetener taste at the end but it's a nice cherry, it's a nice cherry up front. Yeah I'll give you a good cherry up front, I don't know that's nothing. Break my cherry up front with your big your cherry with your steel toed boot. Big toe shaped cock end. Toe shapes? Now I'm interested. See I told you all I had to do was say my cock looked like a like a like a

Starting point is 01:34:37 hobbit's toe. He's off. Oh calm down. Merry Christmas everyone, we'll see you next week. Bye bye. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

CheapShow - Ep 414: Joy To The Walk (Stereo Edition)

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