CheapShow - Ep 415: The 6th Annual Office Christmas Party

Starting point is 00:00:00 Mate, see here. Oh, it's all been dolled up. Oh, it looks really nice actually. Yeah, because when we were last here it was a, if you don't mind me saying so, a horrible dirty shithole for tramps. Why would I mind you saying a thing? In case you fucking berate me week after week. Swear words and plenty. Why would I mind about anything? I wouldn't mind. Of course I don't fucking mind. Right, here we are at the Spuff and Pickle.. Alright we're at the Smough and Pickle. What the fuck if you don't mind? You want your tip tip tip tip tip toe shells? What? Tippy toe toe shells? Tippy toes? Good no. Good start. I'm ready for this week sir. Yeah this is the office party episode. I've hired out the room haven't I?

Starting point is 00:00:40 Yeah here we are everyone at the Smough for Pickle. The newly decorated spot for Pickle. But we're in the... Nanu nanu. Stop it. Ho ho ho. Stop please. Oh my god. We've hired the back room. Yeah. But they've done that up as well. Yeah. The Comchi lounge. I saw some pictures online it looks nice. Comchi. No it's called Kimchi don't fucking call it the Comchi. That's what it said in the brochure. The landlord. He always seemed a bit off, this guy. Who?

Starting point is 00:01:09 The new landlord? Jared Bakewell, yes, the landlord. Fucking weird name. Well, I didn't come up with it. Anyway. Look. Right, is he gonna be here then? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:19 You've got all the stuff. I've got all the stuff. I'm gonna bring it in a minute. But I just want to get in. Get into the space and then we can set up and get ready to go. And it's at the back of the main bar, is it? Yeah. Just go straight through the location. Right, so, hang on.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Here we go. Oh yeah, it's open. Here we go. Oh, it's nice in here. Very posh, isn't it? Okay, so far. They've taken down all the sex photos. Remember these stuff, pictures of sex on the walls?

Starting point is 00:01:42 Yeah, I remember that. Ah! Good evening, gentlemen. Oh, hello. Is Jared? Yes, Jared Bakewell. Nice to meet you both. Nice to meet you. Thanks for having us. I assume you are the Cheap Show Christmas party? Yeah, I'm Paul. That's Eli. Nice to meet you. Well, the Kimchi Lounge is all set up for you.

Starting point is 00:01:58 Kimchi! We have snacks, we have drinks out there already, so you don't have to come into the main bar. Everything is prepared for you. Okay, great. That's wonderful. Wasn't it... I saw on the brochure for the revamp, it said the Cum-Chee Lounge with the Numb Lout. That was a misprint. That was a misprint. I think it was the spot from Pickle. I just assumed you'd gone with the... The semen with a pickled substance. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Right, alright, okay, so let's go through.

Starting point is 00:02:45 I should just say, if you need me... I'm walking in, shut up. I should just say that if you need me, I will be in the main bar. Oh, I like it, cool. So if you need anything, if you need top-ups, if you need snacks or anything like that, just let me know. Alright. I want you to have a wonderful time here.

Starting point is 00:03:01 Oh, thank you. I hope you have. We've got a few guests turning up, not many, but a few. Oh, that's not a problem, not a problem at all. Have have a wonderful time here. I hope you have. We've got a few guests turning up. Not many, but a few. Oh, that's not a problem. Not a problem at all. Have yourselves a wonderful evening. I do have to tell you though, there are some ground rules. Okay.

Starting point is 00:03:12 I mean, he mentioned that in the email that there might be a few things we need to abide by. It's just for the... Stop galloping, you idiot! I'm not... I'm walking up to him. Hello. Hello.

Starting point is 00:03:23 It's just for the comfort of the guests. Obviously, we're now becoming a more of more family-friendly establishment so just just a couple of rules no smart no swearing nothing of a sexual nature if I hear anything like that you will be out on your air but will we get our deposit back if we get turfed out it should have happened he's a hench he's super hench bro

Starting point is 00:04:01 yeah no we can do that absolutely fine no swearing. We're clean as a whistle. Great! That's such wonderful news. Fantastic. But again, if you do break those rules, you will be gone so fast.

Starting point is 00:04:17 I can't even tell. You can see how strong I am. Oh, you've got one. How hench I am. I've been working out all my life. So don't test me, okay? Okay! We won't! Great! No, thank you so much, Gerard.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Gerard! That was wonderful evening! Thank you, Mr. Bakewell. In you go. I'll be here in the bar. Alright. I'll be here if you need me. Alright, bye then. Bye!

Starting point is 00:04:39 Bye! Oh dear. Fucking hell, mate. I'm fucking almost... I'm gonna get over to you. Good, if you've'm fucking over to you. Good if you've made it over, good. It's a Christmas skip, because I like Christmas.

Starting point is 00:04:50 You've been galloping about. That was fucking terrifying man. I thought you said he'd heard our podcast and he thought it was fine. Well, I might have given him James A Caster's podcast about food and just put the Cheap Show theme at the beginning. Why did you do that? It's not the same shit. You wish it was the same shit. I'm just saying that's what I gave him. It's not the same fucking numbers.

Starting point is 00:05:13 Shooky voice, Dan. So it's simple that all we've got to do is do a whole episode of Cheap Show where we don't mention, come, ejaculate. Sorry, just to interrupt briefly, will James A. Castor be coming? Yes, he's on his way. He's so busy this time of year. He's making a Ghostbusters film again. I hope you don't mind, I'd like to, if possible, just take a picture with him for the Instagram. Yes, we'll send it as soon as he arrives, we'll send him over.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Oh, wonderful, thank you so much. I'm leaving now. So no tits, no fanny, no boobs, no clunge, no dick cocks, thgunge, spooge, none of that. Whang a nuts? Whang a nuts are out. Whang a nuts are right out mate. So we've got to just have a nice, classy, behaved Christmas party. Do you think you can do that? I can do that.

Starting point is 00:05:59 Of course I can Paul. You know what? What? I, you know. Don't touch me. I don't know what you are. I've been wanting... look, let me just... Go on! Let me...

Starting point is 00:06:08 I've been wanting us to move in a more family-friendly way on this podcast. Yeah, I do it with stepmoms, you mean. That kind of stuff. No! I've seen those videos. Can you calm down? All stepmoms are randy. We're gonna get turned down. If you don't clean up your... the stage of your mind...

Starting point is 00:06:22 Yeah. Sweep it clean... Sweep it free! You will... you will end us up in a lot of trouble. End us up in a lot of trouble we will. Yes, and I'm talking fine. It's fine, we will do a family friendly, lovely, good to mother, isn't it a nice kind of episode. And this could be a new beginning for the whole podcast and wider reach and a message. She's got a wide gaping fanny.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Shut up! He's by the window, you can see. Fanny, fanny. Shut up! Fucking you. Listen, anyway, ladies and gentlemen, of all ages, boys and girls, rabbits and hats, come along to the sixth annual Cheap Show Office Christmas Party! Hooray! Happy, happy, happy.

Starting point is 00:07:29 We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas. Christmas party at the cheap show house, pull your pants down and dance like a mouse, like tiny mouse with a cane and a hat running around with a sexy cat it's Christmas time with the Cheap Show Gang I'm a little bug and I come along I've got something on my back it's a thong I'm wearing a thong I'm a little bug oh who's that it's a frosty old mug oh here we go Merry Christmas Eli I'm a little bug and I've got um teeth I look around there. Oh, where am I? I'm a Scottish bug. Oh, I might do it festival one man show this year

Starting point is 00:09:06 No I'm a little bug. No, no, no, no, Hooch baby. Hooch mon. It's a drink. Drink. I'm going to drink. Why is this wet? What's leaked? There's something leaked in your bag. Something's leaked in me bag of booze. Oh no. It might have been the WKD I bought. Oh god. It might be the uh what else you

Starting point is 00:09:22 got in the bag, mate? Oh, the WKD I bought. That's the blue one. I'm more familiar with that. I've never tasted the purple one. Is that grape WKD? Do you want to taste the purple one mate? Keep your voice down. Do you want to taste my purple one? Your knob. He's gone off his...

Starting point is 00:09:38 You said we shouldn't do that, don't. We keep our voice down, don't we? You haven't even started drinking and the inappropriate sexual Inappropriate sexual advances have started. I hope this is awful. It's not, it'd be nice. Oh God, it smells of... It does, it still smells of what I remember. Student Union Sick.

Starting point is 00:09:53 Ah. Sniff it. Oh, that's just a lemony... It's kind of a... A lemon... A sort of lemon cleaner smell. It tastes like fucking... Cleaner. Yeah. It tastes like fucking. Cleaner. Yeah tastes like cleaner. Exactly that. Anyway look. What else you got? Listen I'm telling you listeners. Welcome to the

Starting point is 00:10:13 cheap show office Christmas party. We're at the Spoffin Pickle. We got the PA on playing some classic knees up cockney tunes or whatever. I don't know what I've got. I haven't put anything in yet. But we're at the party and it is very nice in here. Nice new carpet, clean painted walls. Yeah, nice. It's a nice red and black sort of colour scheme that they've gone for. Moody. Yeah, with these up lights on the walls. It's got a sort of opium den sort of feeling here. Opium den. Have you got any opium? No. How would I get opium? I don't know. You getium den. Should have feeling here. Opium. Have you got any opium? No. How

Starting point is 00:10:49 would I get opium? I don't know. You get everything else, don't you? No. Because you get into the back of a car. It takes you around the block and in that drive, he buys drugs, lazy jerk. That's when I've in the past. Yeah. He's bought drugs.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Don't do what don't do what naughty Eli does. It should be a new t shirt for for next year. Drug shaming? I'm not, I'm just shaming you for taking drugs. It's not shaming the drugs, I'm shaming you. You're already starting cooking, mate. Yeah, well, it's the Christmas party, I could do what I want, can't I? You know what? I regret not getting a red bull on the way here. Oh, I regret you not getting a red bull too. I know. Everyone regrets me not getting a red bull. I might have to go to Headstone Lane to get a red bull. You're not though.

Starting point is 00:11:23 Okay. I've had a lovely party here today. Oh touchy. So I've got snacks over there, I've got some crisps to me, I've got a crisp experiment later. What have we got coming up in the party? Well we got some guests coming in, I've put the shout out and we'll just see who turns up today, so I don't know. But don't worry ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, this year's episode is not in my mind. It is a real thing happening with people. Wow. But I don't like that landlord because he comes across as chummy. What are you doing? Stop touching your mic. I'm trying to get, it's wilting. Like my, like a drew as, a drew as, a is Drew is what stop touching your microphone it's falling out fuck sake because you keep fiddling with it like a Brewers droop on

Starting point is 00:12:12 an old man's penis thank you very much no alky alky man's penis alky man alky man I'm an alky man Christmas not knees up time right so we've got a few guests coming I've got presents to give man. I've got some podcast then. Hey, get out. Get out. Get out. It's true. You shouldn't burp so much on the podcast. You shouldn't talk so much. I know. Here we go. Here we go. I'm getting it all out. Anyway. All I'm saying is people don't want to hear that. All right. Fine. Anyway, we've got crackers. We've got presents. Not to mention the farting. We've got a stripper. I've booked a stripper again. Oh no. But I don't know how we're going to do that now if the landlord's going to be around. So maybe we'll go outside and watch the stripper in the street

Starting point is 00:13:07 All right, or just get them to think it quietly I mean here's what I'm thinking I might cancel it. I'll just send an email now and cancel it. Okay. Yeah Yeah, just cancel it. Probably don't want to roll the dice on that. We really don't know No, see the veins started to pop throbbing out of his out of his bicep huge arms. Try picep Whatever they call it. Try bicep. His huge arse. His tri-picep. Tri-partite? Tri-picep. He's got a big strong ficture pie-set. Tri-ceratops. Got nothing. Right, er, right. Woo! Christmas party! I'm a triceratops and I've done a poo. It's fucking huge. That's the end of that.

Starting point is 00:13:38 That's going to keep coming back, that little melody today, Paul. Merry Christmas everyone, you and me, everyone, Merry Christmas everyone, me and you and me, you. That was a good one, wasn't it? I'm a little bug and I've got charm skates. Stop, you're making too much noise in the mic stand. You can now no longer sing. I'm shuffling my bum. Yeah, but I can do it without enough jostling me mic stand and making a rumble and a tumble, can't I? This is... It's the holy day for Christmas time baby Jesus came to the world

Starting point is 00:14:10 oh we popped out of Mary's bloody clunge and then said don't do that boys and girls It smelt bad in the manger Why does it smell bad? Because it's all donkeys and after birth I was thinking though this is the thing You don't think it smelt bad in Jesus's manger? No it smelt of donkeys and clunge It's made of donkeys and afterbirths. I was thinking though, this is the thing. You don't think it smelled bad in Jesus' manger? No, it smelt of donkeys and clunge. It smelled of donkeys and little afterbirths.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Yeah, I mean fucking hell, it was awful. Mary, oh Mary dropped a splatter at night, a gunge came out, a clunge. She shouts herself, which is normal in childbirth. Well, look, I don't finish yet. Listen, listen, I think someone's coming in through the door. Oh. They're coming in. Oh. Who's this? Oh. Listen, listen, I've got to think someone's coming in through the door. They're coming in. Who's this? It's Ethan Lawrence everybody!

Starting point is 00:14:52 Come and sit down. Thank you very much. Thanks for the invite. My pleasure. Thanks for coming. It's been a busy year for you, hasn't it? Yeah, I beat Eli up at the trash can film festival. I remember that yeah, we deserve that we did the live show we did I also remember that this has been a huge year for the Ethan Lawrence cheap show collaboration it has and hopefully for many many more to come That's what I'm saying anymore to come All right, have you got this thing? Did you know you were responsible for my almost pregnancy? Almost pop you know I had to bring it up Almost did she wants to know where the money's is you have real life family who you constantly I've got many sisters though

Starting point is 00:15:33 So pick your sisters in town though Might be a different one. Okay, be a different one That's what she said that's what I haven't impregnated any of your sisters. That's not what she said. Anyway. That's not what she said that I told her to say. Ethan, you were responsible for colloquially our voted most popular episode of 2023, right? Which was the Walkabout.

Starting point is 00:15:57 Epic Farls. That was a great day. That was a fun day. Who won that? Was it you? It wasn't winning. There was no winning. There was just score draw, I think. I think you know what won that day? Entertainment won. Walkabout Entertainment won. Love won. Love won the day. Love won the day.

Starting point is 00:16:15 Geocache won, didn't it? Hooch is horrible. Yeah, we found that Geocache. That was such a special moment. It was a great moment. Yeah, we were possessed weren't we by those... We were possessed by demons. And then we ate you alive at the end. It's so consistent isn't it? The narrative. It often ends with some kind of conflagration and flesh eating ritual. Not this week ladies and gentlemen. On this week's podcast we thoroughly inspected to go without a single hiccup the whole time Okay, so you told me you told me that it was doors at seven. Yeah, it is now

Starting point is 00:16:49 12 past 7 and you seem pissed. He started that hooch doesn't take a lot He's got I got a little bit of who she could I'll give him this, you get to get touchy feely. I love a little bit of Hoochie Coochie. I hope he doesn't get angry later. Oh, that'll be awful. Paul, can I have a drink then? Considering, yeah, what do you want? What have you got in your bag?

Starting point is 00:17:11 This is what I'm interested in. Because, Ethan, I imagine you can't drink at all because you're driving back after this, right? Yeah, I drove. I mean, in IRL, Eli can drink but Ethan can't drink. I don't have a driving licence. This bag's wet. Not to break the seal.

Starting point is 00:17:26 I've got a blue hooch. Which is hooch but it tells racist gags. In front of geriatric old fucking blue rinsed women. Ah, that's a bit harsh. Blue isn't racism, blue is racy. I've got blue hooch. Shall I do that? That was very good.

Starting point is 00:17:41 I've got blue hooch. I've got a tinner. You hear that? He's adopted blue houch after I said it. Yeah, immediately. He does that. He didn't acknowledge it, but then he nicked it. It's a fucking speciality of his. Watch out. Honestly, it is. I'm not even trying to be nasty.

Starting point is 00:17:55 I'm going to try, but I'm going to keep back some of my gold. Do it! He says it immediately afterwards. That's what he does. You say something, he does it on the bloody podcast. The problem is, the problem is... I'll come up with some great, some great saying I'll have ya Shut up Right, no, here's what happens Poor Gannon edits this show

Starting point is 00:18:12 All it takes is one snippy snip of him saying Blooch first And all of a sudden Gannon's the witty one Ah, but I happen to know I'm on an ambient mic So it's going to be very difficult to cut me out Give you ambient mic Let's not have a sound war Hello, I'm ambient mic. Oh.

Starting point is 00:18:28 That's one of the least ambient noises I think you've ever made. Vodka lime and orange. I've got that. I've got strawberry daiquiri. OK, who manufactured these ones? I don't know, B&M got all this from. Pink gin and diet lemonade.

Starting point is 00:18:43 And then I've got a. But they are all damp. Passion Fruit Martini. Yeah I think the bottle leaked on one of them which is why Drippy Drippy. Okay. But the cans are sealed. No it's not. It's one of these bottles. It's like that. Oh and I've got the WAKWIKD. WKD. Blue. It's really not hot. It's wicked innit. And then. Is it meant to be wicked? Oh yeah. wicked oh yeah and then purple grape one I think it's one of those things where like they want you to say wicked but no one says that yes we can have a snifter of the old grouse or you can have some whiskey or I can make you a cocktail with some vodka and some of this shit I bought I got a cocktail vacation drink but we're using those yeah we're

Starting point is 00:19:22 doing that later are we gonna do that later. Aren't we going to do that later? Yeah. When we have the bar, one-on-one bar thing. Okay, later. Guys, it's a very structured party, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it's more segmented than structured. Oh, I see. I see. We're having segments. To really understand today, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen of all ages. It's like a centipede.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Yeah. Oh, and I've also got a bottle of peach Bellini I Don't even know what Bellini is Don't you do characters I do characters, you know, you're not having this I did character very awkward already I've done characters on the show before I'm a little bug and I've got a bum No singing I'm a centipede You're not allowed to sing I've got segments, I've got segments on my body. All my segments are like, hey, articulated lorry.

Starting point is 00:20:12 I'm a little bug. No, just because it didn't work doesn't mean you get to go again. I just like that phrase. What? I'm a little bug. You know what I mean? I'm a little bug and I go to town. I like shopping in the marketplace.

Starting point is 00:20:25 And then I come down and go in your face. Always the same. What is it about that tune? Why is that tune so ingrained? Because you both knew it, even though you hadn't discussed it before. It's very generic. Bogs, spam! Yeah, that's going to bug me now. What's that from? Because it's kind of it has this kind of 60s

Starting point is 00:20:50 bubblegum pop thing going on. It's my genius. I watched a YouTube video recently. Oh, yeah, I know, right. It was about there's been a spate of songs in the last 20 years. Spate? Where they sing the phrase caught in the middle in exactly the same way. Yeah. Oh, okay. Like Coldplay have done it, like so many of them. It's just, God in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:13 God in the middle. There's so many little motifs like that in modern pop, aren't there? Yeah. Little things that just are almost identical. I think on a pod that we discussed, I think we discussed this on a pod, but the millennial whoop was a thing for a minute, right? That's it's uh Oh god, it's so annoying all of that and then on all those bits of the song in the middle of the song as well

Starting point is 00:21:39 They can be they can scary thing. That's what it becomes That's a scary thing. That's when it becomes meta middle. I'm a little bug and I'm caught in the middle. Yeah, like he's like, erm, some double glazing. Isn't it? Double glazing, you could be caught in the middle. What between two panes of insulated glass? If you're a little bug, you might have gone through the vent. Oh, poor little Christmas bug.

Starting point is 00:21:59 I'm a Christmas bug at Christmas, trapped in double glazing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh We have got Coca Cola if you just want a normal Coca Cola you can have that. We've got chocolate coins, chocolate sprouts. We've got those Fox's double chocolate. Actually. What are they called? Winter season chocolate or something? Winter spiced. Winter spiced. Half coated mind.

Starting point is 00:22:34 Half coated mind. Half cut. You are. Watch out. How much of that hooch have you done? I had to add a little bit before you came. Oh you already started? Oh what was it? I was pre-fum filming. What was it called preload preloading?

Starting point is 00:22:54 It's alright I'm ready now, it's alright she doesn't She doesn't know what figure it is, it's fine, I can just fucking take a shit and go to sleep. I'm prefabbed out. I call my thumb a fucking doorman because he parts the red carpet for me to go into the old ballroom, that's horrible. I do want to stress, you guys probably need to calm down a little bit. I walked past the landlord on the way in. What was he saying? He wasn't saying anything but he had an eye on, I think there's a camera somewhere in here, he had an's on the way in. What was he saying? He wasn't saying anything, but he had an eye on,

Starting point is 00:23:26 I think there's a camera somewhere in here. He had an eye on the monitor. Oh, there's a camera. He was serving drinks, but his left eye was just focused on the monitor. He's like, and he's pretty big. He's really strong. Did you see that?

Starting point is 00:23:39 I saw him haul an entire keg out of the basement. Just one hand. I saw him when he closed the door behind us he just used his peck and it was BOOK and it SLAMMED did you see that? Yeah he's a fucking hard bastard that one. He could knock you out with his peck. He could peck the A's. We should be careful because it looks like he's trying to run some kind of kid friendly pub I don't even know what that means.

Starting point is 00:24:04 He could put like a little metal beak on his nipple and then he could peck you with his. Oh, he's off. It's fine, he's off. Whatever we were gonna do, he's doing that now. He can peck peck you. Come on, you do that, mate. You little nipple.

Starting point is 00:24:14 I like this more. You little nipple beak or whatever it is, you do it. Nipple beak. No, I'm sorry. It brings a whole new meaning to the word great tit. Let us do the thing. Hey, hey. Let us do the thing. You do your bit, I'm sorry Paul.

Starting point is 00:24:26 Blooch. Blooch. That's not even yours. Anyway, I need to start drinking because I'm not going to get through to that. Come on, drink, drink, drink, drink, when Eli drinks the show gets better. Drink, drink, drink. It does, doesn't it? I'm going to have to do this for the team even though my health isn't great. Oh mate, when is it ever fucking great? Jesus wept. Everyone, I think everyone will admit this time of year and especially this year Yeah, everyone in London has a hacking cough. Yeah, even little small children and not to not to bring down the tone But we're currently experiencing a quademic they're calling it. Oh, yeah With like four different viral diseases flying around all at the same time. Covid and flu Yeah, all that and apparently norovirus is making a comeback. Oh I know her, norovirus. Oh I tell you,

Starting point is 00:25:11 oh norovirus get out. It's actually quite a serious, like you know you could take you out of work for a while because I mean both ends. Norovirus can it, she clips you around the back of the head with a rolling pin. Oh, nor a virus you old bag. Touch wood, I haven't got it yet. Or should I say touch cloth? No, no, no. Have a little bag, it's a birthday. Christmas time and we're full of cheer. That is literally the least appealing array of drinks I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:25:45 I could have scotch and coke, couldn't I? That's a nice comment. By the way, if anyone's expecting pictures for this week's episode, it just ain't happening. There's gonna be videos for Patreon, clips of the show, but I'm not taking pictures. Just imagine we're in a pub, because we're not in one. Just let the carpet go. Stop undermining the prep! He's been so meticulous.. Oh they all fucking know. It's been meticulous in the planning. They all know, they're all in on it.

Starting point is 00:26:10 That's the great thing about this audience. They're all in on it, it's fine. No don't be complacent Paul, don't be complacent. Don't just say oh it's fine if it's shit. It is fine. This mic keeps going down and down. Alright I'll tell you what, let's have a little bit of a boogie with some music and I'll fix your mic in the meantime. Alright, let's you what, let's have a little bit of a boogie with some music and out-fiction Mike in the meantime. Alright, let's get on down. So, the, the, the, the middle.

Starting point is 00:26:26 The, the, the middle. The, the, the middle. Where are you going for Christmas? I'm going to Ramblos, Sega computers, Filly Shave shavers, Scotch pillow tapes, Sam Weston fell phones. It's for you. Poured out on top of Christmas pudding, fresh cream tastes extremely goody. Who got the sixpence?

Starting point is 00:26:36 I! Scream the cream. Alright, I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr-

Starting point is 00:26:44 I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- I'm starting to dr- On top of Christmas pudding, fresh cream tastes extremely goody. Who got the sick spoons? Oi! Scream for cream! Alright, I'm starting to drink. You're starting to drink? I'm starting to drink. What have you got? Daddy Eli?

Starting point is 00:26:54 I've got a lovely bottle of the Colonel. Export India Porter. Who? India Porter. Hello, I'm India Porter. Oh hello, I like you. I'm an actress. Oh yeah, what do you do?

Starting point is 00:27:05 I just do whatever whatever comes along. You know you do adverts for soap. Oh, no. No, you do adverts for gambling No, no, I've actually written as it's a stage play about a lady looking at her own quim and Don't get the landlord didn't oh, sorry. I'm India Porter and I'll leave now. Yes Well, one of you did buy one of your best characters think I've seen her in doctors? Yeah, everyone's been in doctor Have you been in doctors not been in doctors and now they're canceling and so I'll never have had the chance I just have in your Porter here back just to say do catch my show quim on a whim Quim on a whim and it's a if I came up with that. I'll be a part so fucking tired and shit whim and it's a if I came up with that I'll be a poor so fucking tired and shit why you even bother sorry I'm the reporter I don't know what you're saying

Starting point is 00:27:48 I know you're not because what your Eli's popped out while you came in which is why I need to say just watch him on the way out why should I be through dip into your purse so be careful he's a shifty one in always on the rob it Eli Silverman came on the whim so always desperate for cash that Silverman, isn't he? Desperate, isn't he? So watch your purse on your way out. I'm into your porter, goodbye. I'm into your porter. Hello, I'm back, it's Eli. Yeah, guess what? Do you know what? I fucking robbed that bitch. I thought mighty. Anyway, hello, Eli, you know what? No need for that kind of salty language. Alright, I'm gonna start to drink. Wait.

Starting point is 00:28:26 We've got a message. Err, Ash Frith was meant to come. Oh, you know, that hack. One time, some time, part time. Part time, lover man, child maker, third tier, fourth tier, fair weather fair weather host milk toast toast He's the milk flour milk toast. He's the milk toast host the part-time milk toast toast bum bum other part-time America star He set a message because I don't think he's coming so I'm gonna play the message. I've got three hours Salty here we go

Starting point is 00:29:05 Merry Christmas cheap show oh Merry Christmas incredibly sorry that I couldn't be there I was on my way yeah then a thick crisp white Christmas fell down that's not the euphemism it was just so snowy on my way to the studio and I couldn't get there And was it snowing? And it was really a Dillick and we ended up gathering around a log fire and we sang Christmas songs, we drank mulled wine, I fell in love. We're all this morning. We have three children and we live in one of the small bookshops in the village. We are the sort of hosts of the Christmas fair. As only had just happened today I should let you know but yeah, I know here in this quaint little village in an idyllic sort of Yorkshire

Starting point is 00:30:10 environment Cleggie going down a hill in a bath Christmas what a wonderful year that we have had what is reference to me leg I was on an episode I think I did a live show with you. Yeah he did that, well remembered. It's not enough is it? I need to be there more. It's about enough. I miss you, I love you all, Paul and you Eli.

Starting point is 00:30:34 And I hope that 2025 is the year that the fairweather co-host tag gets used again. Don't worry about that. How do you fucking worry about that. How do you fucking worry about that? The real gift this Christmas is your listening and also patron. Go over to patron and sign up. Oh, it cut off. Great.

Starting point is 00:30:57 Why did it cut off? Because he pressed stop on the recordings. Even the phone went, mate, you've gone on for too long. He reached the time limit. He could reach the time limit on... Question! Eternity. Is Ash Frith the poorest winning joke on Cheap Show?

Starting point is 00:31:10 Answer yes! Moving on, thank you Ash! Do you think he does that in... is he stand up like that? Yeah. Just drones on. When you say stand up, it's crowd work. And then it... Yeah, it's just crowd work.

Starting point is 00:31:21 Crowd work. It's crowd work, and then, you know, he basically does it until everyone's gotten up and gone, gone home. They save him for last. He's back. He's easier than just ringing a fire alarm. It's like he gets audiences out on the way back from the live show. We were on the tube together for a bit and I had we had a really nice chat. Actually.

Starting point is 00:31:36 Yeah. Yeah. He's a lovely guy. He's a nice guy. All jokes aside, I just want to say this about Ash. He's a man. Paul. It's run out of steam this now hasn't it? Oh did that go down the wrong way? Oh no. Oh God. Oh God. Oh right. The page is caught in the middle of your phone. Let's play trivia! Trivia!

Starting point is 00:32:08 We can't be dirty playing Christmas trivia, can we? So let's just play a bit of Christmas trivia. Right, here we go. When you're having a bath, that's why you're hungry. Because I'm fucking spunking in your... Shut up! Shut up! Blob, blob, blob!

Starting point is 00:32:24 You can see that on the camera if he sees it. Spog off. Stop it! Uh, gentlemen, just making sure everything's okay in here. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Absolutely fine. Just, yeah, we're just playing a quiz game. Oh, lovely! Lovely. Alright. Carry on.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Alright. Did he have to do that with his fist? Did you see his nipple actually has fingers? Stop talking about his nips, mate. Getting seriously concerned. It hooked, his nipple actually has fingers? Stop talking about his nips, mate. Getting seriously concerned. It hooked... his nipple came round, hooked the handle and pulled it closed. The thing is, if he's gonna wear a muscle tee that tight,

Starting point is 00:32:53 then he knows what he's doing. He knows he can see his nipples. I mean, he's sexy. He's ambi-nipple-less. Hello, I'm ambi-nipple-less. No, I knew that was gonna happen. I knew you were gonna turn it into someone's name! Every two syllable followed by three syllables, phrase becomes a name, okay?

Starting point is 00:33:10 That's the rule. Aardvark Haberdash. Yeah! No, that's 2-2. No, it's Haberdash. Oh, that's right, sorry. So it's 2-3. That is 2-3.

Starting point is 00:33:18 I'm just not inspired. Anyway, that's right. Ethan, you're going first with the trivia quiz didn't Know that's enough the advent calendar was first produced in which country in the 1900s the advent calendar Germany that's what I would have gone for as well, and you would have both been right, but Ethan gets the point ding ding Yeah, I wonder why well that just popped into my head that it's a German thing because they have the Christmas trees as well like all of it that all a lot of Christmas iconography is Germanic that's true isn't it yeah I think Father Christmas as well you know why I have a theory about why because one of the things about the Christmas Carol is they think

Starting point is 00:33:58 that was the story that cemented Christmas iconography of the Christmas tree presents dickens dickens dickens, dickens. And yet at the time who was the queen? It was Victoria who was related to the German families out there. So I'm wondering if a lot of that German influence came over to inform the Christmases then. No, but the thing is, isn't it, she was, was she German as well? Well, Albert was. Albert was definitely. Yeah. It's Christmas time boogie. Hello! It's me, Prince Albert! Hello Vicky, let's get busy! I thought that it was because the Windsors,

Starting point is 00:34:30 with the lot we've got now, they came from Germany. I mean, a lot of them are Germans. At a certain point, there's enough in... I mean, enough... If you go back far enough, they all go back to the same one person, so it doesn't make much fucking matter. William the Bastard. William the Bastard, Victoria the Bastard, Cle Elizabeth the Bastard, Prince Queen Charles, Prince Queen

Starting point is 00:34:53 King Charles the Bastard. Right Eli is your question. St Nicholas was born in which modern day country? St Nicholas was born in which modern-day country? I want to say Sweden. Yeah, but what do you need to say? I need to say... CHOFNEE NOFF! NOFF! I don't ever say choffney noff! You do. It happens all the time. We've got videos. I've had just about a choffney noff of you! How about that? Choffney, I'm going for Sweden. It's Turkey. Wow, wow. So you got that wrong. I certainly did.

Starting point is 00:35:30 Why have you put a card on your knee? That's for his point. That knee is your point. It's quite precarious. Ethan, who in Whoville tried to steal Christmas? The Gwinch. No, it is the Grinch you really need to after clean Elizabeth you're gonna clean Elizabeth you know why I called her that because she was dripping

Starting point is 00:35:54 big fan of douche in her family Eli Eli I can't do it no more! I can't do it no more! Eli. I can't do it, I can't! Which three-dimensional puzzle was the best-selling Christmas toy in 1980? Oh, that's a hard one. Is it? I would go for the Rubik's Cube. You'd be correct. That's your first point. Ding ding ding ding ding. Ethan, who sang a song in 1946 that began with the line, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?

Starting point is 00:36:22 Oh, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. One of those crooners in here. And there it goes. You know what the line chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Oh chestnuts roasting on an open fire. It's one of those crooners isn't it? And there it goes, you know what the line is after that? Card in the middle. Oh I would pay money to re-record that. Come on, who do you think sang that in 1946? It's one of the crooners, I'm going to go for Bing Crosby, I know it's wrong but...

Starting point is 00:36:41 It is Nat King Cole. I was going to say, I would have got that right. Alright. I would have got Turkey. So from now on if you get it wrong you can all right I would have got Turkey from now on yeah can we have a jump in yes we have a jump in Eli invented in Germany in 1610 what was very German what was the original color of tinsel oh hey what about that then you bastard answer that invented in Germany invented in Germany in 1610 but what was the original color of 10 that's what it says here! Does the number confuse you or the fact?

Starting point is 00:37:07 It feels very early. It feels like they still had stone tablets and went, Og, Og need wank! That's not what happened in 1610. Og need wank! It was caveman times, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I just wanted to say Og need wank. I know. We got the impression that exactly what we needed. Yeah

Starting point is 00:37:28 beats Uh, I'm sorry, right. Come on. Do you know I think i'm just gonna maybe it's an obvious one So i'm gonna go gold silver. Ah, are we not handing them over anymore? Uh, come on. Where's the handover? All right, ethan invented in germany in 1610, what was the original colour of tinsel? Silver? No, gold. Oh! Anyway, Eli, no, it's Ethan.

Starting point is 00:37:52 That we'll never know. He's being a prick about this, isn't he? Ethan, I tell you what, I'll give you another question then, how about that? Is that alright? Would that balance it out if I gave you another question? No, just continue as is. Let's just continue. Right, Ethan then, in 1953, who asked Santa Baby to hurry down the chimney tonight?

Starting point is 00:38:05 Oh! Santa Baby, you've got a sexy pair of cheeky buns, go huns. Come down my chimney and rub my plums. Oh, Santa Baby tonight. I've left out a cookie and a bowl of my piss. Drink it down and then suck it like this. I've had about three sips of porter. Oh no. Come on, was it Eartha Kitt? It was Eartha Kitt. Ding ding ding. An amazing person Eartha Kitt was. She was multilingual. Yeah, was she? Unbelievably. She had like six

Starting point is 00:38:43 or seven languages. And a great singer, actor, brilliant person. Yeah. Do you have anything to add to the kit? No, nothing more. I think that was pretty much covered I would say. Right. Hey, version. Yeah. Right. Oh, okay. Uh oh. Here we go. Just skipping questions. No, because that was put one back. Uh name all nine of Santa's reindeer. Right, there's nine. Right. Go on. Where's the song? Where's the song? I've got to remember the song. There's Bludger, Gusha. There's Blooch. Squeezer, Blooch. Toddger. Groffle. Uh Comet. Scrotback. Wait, wait. Comet, yes. Cupid, yes. Donner, yes. Vixen, yes. Um, who's the other guys? Dasher, yes. Prancer, yes. Uh, two more. Uh, Rudolph, yes. One more. And, I know what it is. Is it, is it Dancer? Blitzen. Blitzen, fuck!

Starting point is 00:39:59 You said Blitzen already. No, you said, no. He said, I didn't say Blitzen. I'm hands up, I didn't say Blitzen. Well, you hadn't finished but either way I'm gonna give you the point because you got all them. So there you go. Oh really? So it was Dancer? Yeah, Dancer is in there. He said you just didn't say Blitzen. You said something very close to it. I thought you said Blitzen. I mean I guess I did comment on Keepin' Donna and Blitzen because that's the song, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Dancer was right. Dancer was right. Yeah. Private Dancer. dancer private dancer for money you get a diet of private dance from the reindeer Stay my windows private dancer from all the beans. I've been eating so we've got four in the middle It's for one to Eli as we go into the next For one to Ethan Stay me from my party feet

Starting point is 00:40:44 one smelly feet. Eli. Steal me windows. Eli, what jolly Christmas song did James Pierpoint compose in 1857? James Pierpoint. Yes, that's what I said. Stop burping, that guy won't like it. I don't care.

Starting point is 00:41:01 He don't love me, he's just here for the sex. Okay, good. that was working. Long pull on the hooch. Long pull on the hooch. What famous jolly Christmas song did James Pierpont compose in 1857? Would you like a clue? James Pierpont, you shouldn't do that, kills the fishes. Oh god! You wanna just throw in a bum-bum at the end of that? Jolly is the code word, is the clue word there isn't it? For sure, jolly. Yeah, kinda. Is it something like, 1880 yeah?

Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah, it's quite a traditional one when you think about it. Deck the Halls? You sure that's your final answer? No, I'll go for... You gonna lock it in? No, I'll go for you gonna lock it in now. I'll go for yeah I can't think of any other fucking songs. Yeah, excuse me now. I'm doing it jingle bells Fuck off jingle bells Batman smells Robin laden a jungle book was half as good as jingle all the way weird

Starting point is 00:42:01 Older than you think what jingle bells, Jingle Bells? Yeah. Yeah. In which, you know, Ethan, where in New York could Richard Attenborough witness a miracle in 1994? 34th Street. Is correct. And that's five points. Ding ding ding ding ding.

Starting point is 00:42:16 Ethan wins trivia Christmas. Eli got one and Ethan got five. What a Merry Christmas game that was. Just a thought about jingle bells yeah that's got to be before all the Santa iconography because he's on a one horse open sleigh yeah not eight reindeer I never thought of that no it's not about Santa though is it just about howling through the snow it's not him it's not him it's not about Santa it's just you got a sleigh then you got reindeer to pull it, not a horse.

Starting point is 00:42:45 No, you're just some bloke. Ethan, you ask me some questions. Or child, I want to do some questions. Ask me five and I've got to see if I can get more than him. Right, lightning round. Can I jump in if you can't get them? Yeah, absolutely. You can steal. True or false, Noel, Santa Claus and Snowflake are all places found in the USA.

Starting point is 00:43:02 True. True, they're in Missouri, Georgia and Arizona respectively. Up yours, granddad. Don't touch my face. From which country do poinsettia flowers originate? Poinsettia flowers? Poinsettia flowers. They, oh well, it's easy.

Starting point is 00:43:15 It comes from Switzerland. We passed Wielie. America. No, it was Mexico. Oh dear, it was in America. It looks like it was Christmas. I don't know what those flowers are. I don't know. Maybe if we saw them we would know. Yeah, I don't understand that. If only there was a way we could check. Go on, three. In

Starting point is 00:43:29 which ocean is Christmas Island, the Indian, Atlantic or Pacific? Pacific? It's the Indian. Correct. Oh Eli. Eli gets a point. That's two and I've got one. Where was Mummy Kissing Santa Claus? I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night She gave him a reach around and on his meaty began She began to pound and then covered the Christmas in sticky white Christmas Sticky white Christmas indeed Where's it always winter but never Christmas in the bowels of the planet Earth incorrect It's it always winter but never Christmas? Uh, in the, uh, bowels of the planet Earth.

Starting point is 00:44:06 Incorrect. It's, it's Arctica. Incorrect again. Battlestar Arctica. Incorrect. Is it Superman's Fortress of Solitude? It's Narnia. Narnia?

Starting point is 00:44:17 Ah, of course. Narnia doesn't exist. Final question. I can draw with this. In which city was Kevin lost during Christmas in Home Alone 2? Whoa, Home Alone 2 lost in New York you mean? Yes I did! That's the fucking tagline of the fucking film. Yeah that's why I knew it. Otherwise I'd never know where that film was set. Yeah so you've got two I think.

Starting point is 00:44:36 It's got all the New York stuff in it. I didn't even miss a thing, you've got three. Oh yeah I got three and you only got two overall. So five three two which means Eli you've got to do a challenge all right what is it I've got chug some hooch or something yeah actually yeah why not drink that drink blue hooch tell us what blue hooch is down the blue hooch blue hooch God in the middle

Starting point is 00:45:02 I'm opening the blue hooch he's opening the blue hooch I'm gonna have a hch. He's opening the blooch. I'm going to have a huff on the blooch. Have a blue chuff. Oh dear. A blue chuff? A blue chuff? That's what happens if you set out on an iceberg.

Starting point is 00:45:12 You get a blue chuff. No, I got it. No, I did get it. I just had a reaction you wanted from me. I should be employed to write jokes. Who for? I don't know. The elderly.

Starting point is 00:45:24 Oh yeah, they'd really go for that. They love those jokes. They love blooch. Here's the fucking thing though, right? As an aside, you think, oh, old people don't like that kind of humor. Every time I see like one of those VHSs of Jim Davidson doing his fucking stand-up shows,

Starting point is 00:45:37 the first fucking four rows are all old people going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh going oh so don't tell me yeah people are dead now they are did you see I don't like Jim Davidson did a version of white Christmas as chalky yeah that's not now Eli for some people who don't know the reference can you do an impression of Jim Davidson do an impression of chalky I will not I'm not gonna fall into your trap at least not until he's had that can of blooch. Oh, are we sniffing it? What's the hoof off it? It's extremely cheap horrible almost like a Dirty cologne mixed with fucking this is the blooch and on the can it's got Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I drink the blue hooch. can it's got a I think it's a lime a pineapple and a melon or yeah it is

Starting point is 00:46:45 tropical it's not blue raspberry in the totally tropical taste why don't you give me a glass and then I'll taste this because I'm not gonna be drinking a great deal this I'll have out the glass as well as some of this yeah some of this cannon oh oh it is bright blue oh my word I think the term is dentist's mouth wash yes yeah minty blue I knew a girl called minty blue. That looks really foul. It's so bad I don't even want to taste it. Oh my god. It smells like someone's melted down some Haribo. It smells to me it's got a little cologne sort of like brutes or something. Nasty. I love how this is Eli's challenge, but Paul's jumps straight.

Starting point is 00:47:28 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Not meant to be doing this. It's probably more of a challenge for him, but that way, it's kind of flavorless almost. That's OK. Do you want a tiny slip? Just a tiny slip. I'll have a tiny slip.

Starting point is 00:47:40 Yeah, just a tiny slip. That's not too bad. It tastes very sweet. And nobbinsworth. Very sweet. What is the ABV? It can't be that high. It's very difficult to discern any alcohol in that. It's quite sweet. Yeah, very sweet. I reckon you get a third of a can of that and you've had enough. Yeah, this is only 3.4. This must be similar. Yeah. So it's not very boozy at least. However, Ganon is a master of...

Starting point is 00:48:11 Sides. Alcoholic sides. So he's just gonna put a little bit of the grouse in the hooch. Oh my god, he's putting famous grouse in the hooch. This is called the grouse. Don't bring me down! Grouse! It's grouch grouse in it grouch Oscar yeah shit oh shit oh fuck is out there oh but he's I have to go past the manager you got to because we got it it's gonna fucking have a go mate the manager's office. You're gonna have to. You can't leave that here. He's gonna fucking have a go, mate. Oh, mate. Has there been a spillage in here?

Starting point is 00:48:46 Just a very small one. Just a very small one. It's a very small one. Not on the carpet. Do you need some napkins? Yeah. Yes, please. I'll go fetch some and be careful next time.

Starting point is 00:48:55 Oh, mate, please. I hate it when he goes down. I didn't know he was gonna come in and out all the time, though. I'm terrified, mate. I'm drinking this and then we'll press stop. Hang on. Here we go. I'm drinking the Grooch because the pace has been ruined by Eli's stupid fucking hot hoof hands dropping. The hoof hands coming Oh That's horrible

Starting point is 00:49:16 Yeah, of course it is. Have a bit of that. I'm not no. Go on. I do not want to. Ruff ruff ruff Have a bit of that. Have a bit of that ruff You don't like it. I don't like that. It's kind of like aniseed. That's not that bad actually. But it's kind of aniseedy. It's just throwing me some kitchen rolls so we're good. All right cool. You know what the whiskey taste and the lemon taste don't actually, don't actually not complement each other. They do go together. It kind of works but that's a tummy rotter that one. Yeah I mean it's a tummy rotter just because the hooch is so horrible, but in terms of the actual flavour combo, it's not that bad at all really.

Starting point is 00:49:48 You know what, let's, uh, let's mop this up quick before he comes back and then we'll come... See you in a minute, we've just got to mop up Eli's hoof hand drop itch and then we'll get onto it. See you in a minute. Where are the rest of our guests by the way? I mean Ethan's great. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:50:07 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:50:15 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:50:23 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Are you coming to the work Christmas party? I'd love to see you there from Paul Brackett's cheap show, you know the Ghostbusters guy the depressed one I mean slightly more depressed one from cheap show. I don't know why he's written all of this in the text I was having a great dream where me and Ainsley Harrier were having a lovely Christmas dinner So no, I don't want to come to your Christmas party. Just, I want to go back to my fake party in my head. Just fuck off.

Starting point is 00:50:52 I'm going back to sleep. Ooh. TICKING MUSIC Here we go then. Oh, you start. We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year Alright boys, alright boys, stop dancing, stop your dancing. It's time to, I've made a bit of a Christmas dinner for us again this year. I err, I put in booking out and I ordered two Christmas dinners for us both. Oh great, I'm not starving.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Did you not expect guests? You did, didn't you? I just thought the two dinners could go round. You know what I mean? Three into two makes one. That budget really wouldn't stretch to three dinners. Anyway, I'm very hungry, you've been doing dancing. What was that you doing?

Starting point is 00:52:05 Was that the Chit Chattanooga choo-choo you were doing quite so quite so and I'm doing it now on the pod. I Just had to get it up a bit Come on, take the bait Need red bull before taking it be funny Don't you have to be the man that the audience wants you can can't let them down. What, Santa Claus? Sexy Santa Claus? Anyway, right, okay, so anyway, let me just get the Christmas dinners. I'll bring them in. One go, one sec. Right, I'm over here. Bring the dinners in. I've got them on this tray. Here we go. And the award for best bringing dinners overseen audio goes to Paul Gannon.

Starting point is 00:52:51 The king of foley. Well I'd just like to thank everyone. Paul tell us, no could you, sorry. I'm going to accept the award. This is the interview bit, no it's not the speech bit. I've got to accept the award first. No, this is a different type of award ceremony. What, the only award that allows for speech?

Starting point is 00:53:03 You have a little interview, you've sign the statement, you get interviewed. Double-fisted interview. From me and you, Ethan. Alright, hello, well, thank you for the award. And... What... Er... Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:53:16 Hahahaha! Oh, I've got questions, Paul. I've got fucking questions, mate. You, er, you've stymied me. The validity of your mind. You punctured and stymied me. Oh, did I? Come on, do it then. No, I've got fucking questions mate. You punctured and stymied me. Oh did I? Come on, do it then. No, I've lost it. I lost the thread. Let me do my speech. Fine, do your speech. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for this award. It means a lot to me. I've been working hard over the past year to define what it is to gaily skip across a room with hot dinners in me hands. And I think after many years, you know, with the Stanislavski method, looking at Gilgud's diaries, you know,

Starting point is 00:53:48 Bob Fosse, I've found lots of different ways. Bob Fosse, indeed. You didn't see when I brought the potnoodles, it went like that. Yeah, you kept rotating your wrists. It went all over the floor. Like this, I was doing that and then shuck, shuck a poos. Shuck it like that. Anyway, so unless Bob Fosse, a bit more fucking Roy that cunt you always going about

Starting point is 00:54:09 No, he's dead now guy. He's here. Rob J. No Roy J. We J spook slither. No, I'm more like him Yeah, I learned from the best and I've applied them to my own Method Ross noble. He's a comic. He's a stand-up comic shut up and do me speech and so Thank you God and thank you to baby Jesus Yes Are you going to question for your Lord and Saviour? Yes, uh, Bajabi. Bajabi Jesus! Go on, I'm listening, I'm always listening.

Starting point is 00:54:54 Bajabi, I'm very fascinated, apparently you've got a side project which is like a jazz standards on the piano. Oh yes, I've got my little quartet, a baby Jesus in the travelling pansies. Great. Oh, here comes the hooch. Here comes the hooch. Hootsman, there's of the staples of charity shops up and down the country. They must have sold so many of those records. And also, you know. I want dinner, shut up. No, I'm just going to mention one thing. I've brought dinner

Starting point is 00:55:36 in. Often with the singles of that time they have what they call a push out centre. Which is. I've got a push out centre. It's for, if it's in America centre is it stuck in the middle? they have the widest spindles in America I've got a big spindle and it has a push out centre those decker ones have got a triangular push out centre and it's always intact on the copies of Hootsman

Starting point is 00:55:58 oh you boring man you boring man I am pointing at a boring man there's one I found one boring man. I am pointing at a boring man. There's one. I found one. Boring man. Boring man. Right. That was good. No, that was good the way you said that eight times in a row. That was good. Boring man. That wasn't boring. If it's not funny the first time, might as well try another seven or eight times. You're going to do a fucking Stuart Lee who you hate. Blooch. No, not funny. Not even original. I came up with that. And original.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Fucking crap. So I shouldn't wear out one of my ideas like that so much and take it, make it mainstream. I need to keep it secret. Shut up, it's dinner time! Bajavey Jesus. Bajavey Jesus. Bajacy Jesus. Ricky Bajavey Jesus Jace.

Starting point is 00:56:41 Let's taste this fucking pot noodle! No, shush, it's a surprise! You've already said pot noodle! It's not a surprise to anyone! A few years ago I was very successful at the Christmas dinner when I bought that pot noodle whatever it was Christmas dinner. Now, I got another one because they did a new one. It's pot Noel. Do you see that? Pot Noel. It's very clever. And it says Christmas...

Starting point is 00:57:02 Noel sounds like noodle doesn't it? It does, it does. Noel having absolutely no hard consumants at all noodles house party for example or noodle Edmonds and Don't help me Eli. Oh now you want to get the desperation in my eyes Now you want help right part you castigated it. This is boring I'll end this party right now Christmas dinner, but it just says gravy and stuffing flavour. But if I went to your house and you said here's Christmas dinner and you put down a plate

Starting point is 00:57:30 of just stuffing and gravy, I'd be upset and expect meat, peas, carrots, yorkshire puds. You want the trimmings. But it depends what type of stuffing they've done as well. Do you know what? I've got a simple rule. Yeah, but you still want more than that. I've got two simple things to say about stuffing. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Sausage. Tick. Right. Walnuts. Gross. In stuffing. Yeah, you know, you get sausage based stuffing. That's the good shit. Is it?

Starting point is 00:57:55 With the big porky nuggets. I've never had the sausage stuffing. Contrary to popular belief. Oh, dearie me. I'm wobbling me glasses. Yeah, he really is everyone, everyone is crying as well Sobbing subtle difference. No, but sometimes they put nuts and stuff in it The fucking Frank am beans my dirty brown pot

Starting point is 00:58:21 The landlord just look through the window What window the little porthole? I'm a good at the next room. He was like fogging up the glass like the Raptor in Jurassic Park. It's really eerie Hard hard sound they make it. That's not the sound that it is when they make that hard hard as a son of the police He come the big Raptor That kind of sound. Here come the big raptor. HURH HURH! So, I'm going to sniff it out and tell me what you think.

Starting point is 00:58:48 Ethan, yours is there. I smelled it in the galley kitchen earlier. How did I describe it? It smells of plastic and farts. Plasty farts. It's a bistro. The smell has sort of settled a bit from when the hot water immediately hit it.

Starting point is 00:59:04 It's not great It's not great. It's it's gravy forward. It's Gravy forwards when I've had a bad dinner the day before like my pants. I'm feeling very gravy forward It's yeah, it's a very Generic weak sort of artificial gravy scent coming off. And those plain ketchup, a pot noodle is a British cup noodle. Very thick. Oh, people know what pot noodles are.

Starting point is 00:59:30 I know, but just in case some Yanks don't or whatever, or people in France. Who cares? That's true. They always go on about hot pockets, like we're meant to give a fucking care. We have those. Do we? Yeah. We don't have hot pockets over here.

Starting point is 00:59:41 I've got a hot pocket for you. Oh, you know what a hot pocket is? What? Basically, it's a Finda's Crispy Pancake. In a different form. But you don't get Finda's Crispy Pancakes now. They're branded differently apparently. Yeah, because of Woke and I've got

Starting point is 00:59:54 Crispy Finger Ass Cake Pancakes. Oh dear. I've got Crispy Fingers from the Bing Up My Ass Cake. You could not hope. I would not have given up that information if you waterboarded me. Should we taste this? fingers from the being up my I mean it does smell like the meaty gravy parts of a Christmas dinner but then you could also say it's just roasted or this. Oh dear. It's not terrible.

Starting point is 01:00:30 It's not unpleasant but it's very gelatinous. As soon as it cools down it will get unpleasant. Oh no. It's yeah, it's that. There's no need for this. It feels fatty. Yeah. There's no need. Nah.

Starting point is 01:00:47 The flavour is just so weak. Oh. It is? Like fatty Paxo or whatever. It's not nice. Hello, I'm fatty Paxo. Oh, no. Oh, God. That's the limit now. It is. I'm a silent comedian from the 1915s.

Starting point is 01:01:01 What, the 1915s? This is only one fight in 15. The 1915s. That sounds like a rock band. Hello, we're the 1915s. What, the 1915s? This is only one fighting 15. The 1915s. That sounds like a rock band. Hello, we're the 1915s. What? You're playing the ball?

Starting point is 01:01:10 Here's some podding indie. Fucking... There was a band called the 1990s, wasn't there? And there's the 1975, whatever. Why the fuck? And there's a band called the Internet, isn't there? Is that? Fucking stupid.

Starting point is 01:01:23 They own it being late for gigs. I wish I got it. There was a gag there, but there was a gag there internet because there was lag or something yeah latency issues oh no I got it all right there was a music group called the internet no there is but they couldn't get them all on stage because of the band's width that's rather good that's rather good. That's rather good. That's good. Show's over everyone! It's peaked! It's peaked with a proper gag! That was actual wit in action. Wit in action. I could finish this. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:52 But... I wouldn't buy it. Are you hungry? Are you hungry? You can have it all. Eat it all. I mean just in terms of criticism, like, you know, if... I could finish this, but like, I wouldn't buy it for myself. No. I give it, like like a five out of ten

Starting point is 01:02:06 Yeah, it's not the worst thing. It's less unpleasant because it doesn't have that horrible artificial rosemary. Yeah Yeah, last year or no the last time we did it it had that really medical Pharmacy aftertaste is gonna be the rosemary. I think this doesn't have that It doesn't say what's putting me off is just how like, gelatinous it goes in my mouth. They're all like that, that's... Oh God. How's it? The worm has turned.

Starting point is 01:02:31 They're all like that, that's what the Pot Noodle's MO is. Gloopy glob. They put corn flour or whatever in their things. Very gloopy. And you don't even get a sachet. I don't know if you're familiar, but the best one, the chicken and mushroom, has even get in sachet. I don't know if you're familiar, but the best one the chicken and mushroom Yeah, has a soy sauce sachet

Starting point is 01:02:47 And the second best one this second one Second best one is the beef and tomato in my mind and that has a ketchup sachet Beef and tomatoes when I fought on my own balls He really did peak with that other joke didn't he that wasn't I Oh, he's gone, oh my God. Jesus Christ. It's been a long year. I've never seen him like this. It's been a long year everyone. It really has. Pools broke. Oh, he's gone puce. Me glasses have fogged up. I can't see nothing mother. Oh dear me. Aren't I a wetty man today? I need a score or some kind of appreciation of the noodle. I will give it. What did you give it?

Starting point is 01:03:43 I'd say five out of ten. I think five's accurate. It's not the worst pot noodle we've ever had, but also... I can't give it any more than a five. No, it's very mid-noodle. It's a very mid-noodle. Hello, I'm mid-noodle. Hello, mid-noodle. I don't know, the point was to change.

Starting point is 01:03:57 Hi, city. I'm, I'm, ooh, I'm... Who are you? I'm the noodle, oh, hang on, let me think about this. I'm the, I'm the, I'm the noodle man-er... Oh, hang on, let me think about this. I'm the Noodle-man. Oh, you're the Noodle-man. Thank God you put that extra five seconds of... Ooh, we really need that word.

Starting point is 01:04:13 That pause is worth it. I've got it, I've got it. I'm the Noodle-knoodler. Oh, dear. I like... I like... I like noodles. Actually, Mr. Knoodler... Oh, yeah, can I snuggle these noodles? No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:04:26 Oh, look at you, Noodle. Because we're trying to be family friendly. Yeah, it's alright. I won't put me willy in it. Not here. Not here now. It's too hot. Go away, critical Dan. Oh, I'm hurt. Alright, go on. You can have that.

Starting point is 01:04:42 I don't think Paul wants it. I'm a Noodle Canoodler. I don't think Paul wants that. poor once now. I don't want if you're gonna put your balls in it mate Oh, you can have it back after I've done double dip It's good that you did the gesture poke so it's gonna be really good for the pod time But luckily I didn't film that bit it would break character. Oh, so I like noodle canoodler I take this with me and I'll go snuggle it. All right. Bye then. Bye. Bye Well, he's a good new character, isn't he? He loves noodles of all shapes and sizes.

Starting point is 01:05:07 If you were drunk, this would be fine. Yes, no, but think of the image of drunk Christmas day, five in the afternoon, you've eaten for your Pop Noel, your turkey and stuffing Christmas dinner, your chicken and gravy, whatever. That's the saddest Christmas on record. It would be a low time. Yeah, I agree with that. It is a low time for a lot of people. If you're not sobbing beforehand you're sobbing afterwards.

Starting point is 01:05:30 If you are alone this Christmas don't get this. It will compound your sadness. At least just get a pizza. Just get a pizza for Christmas that's what I do. Can you? Do they stay open? No I just get one in advance and then I put it in the freezer. Oh I see. Well I live in a place in London where there are a lot of kebab shops and they're run by people of the Muslim faith so they do not close at all. So you could pop out for Christmas kebab? I think I will in the evening. I thought, aren't you seeing your daddy this Christmas? I am, I will have lunch, you know, it'll be lunch and then I'll be hungry by the time

Starting point is 01:06:01 I get back. I'm going to be home alone, I might be in me pants and I might just watch catch up on Star Trek lower decks. I might do Yeah, there's that whole thing in the States isn't there that um, yeah, right New York Jewish folks tend to go out for Chinese food It's a huge tradition. Yeah, and it's like well This is the unusual practices of Christmases around the world isn't it? What what not not? I like to go out for Chinese food like once or twice a week. So I mean, it's not a big deal very special for you Yeah these food like once or twice a week so I mean it's not a big deal. It's not very special for you yeah. Strawberry daiquiris going in the glass. Blah blah blah blah. Looks like a lollipop that color doesn't it. Look at that. I bet that doesn't taste like a strawberry daiquiri. A daiquiri? What do you think it's gonna taste like? Have a sniff of the can.

Starting point is 01:06:38 See if you can give me a... Yeah it's bad isn't it? Oh, God, I keep getting worse and worse! This is strawberry daiquiri from a tin in B&M. Oh my God! It smells like a melted churpa chop, which I'm sure I've said that before. No, it doesn't. There's a horrible Ethanel. That's really, like, medicinal. Yeah, medicinal, man. Ho, ho, ho, I'm a medicinal man.

Starting point is 01:07:00 I make crimes in creams and in back of my van. If you've got rash or a scar or a Tickly ass I've got some cream for your baby in the back of me van I am the mad mad Medi-man or Middleton man. I like a I like okay Middleton man, and she's my favorite girl Oh, she looks quite tall and I take it to the pub for a drink or two There was a bit in it! What the fuck is that? There's like a stick of something.

Starting point is 01:07:28 What the fuck is that? What's that? When I bit down on it, it tasted herby. Oh, herby. Herby goes bananas. In your math. I don't know what that is. It's a herb of something, but it was burnt. Yeah, that's not good. They must have just poured a load of herbs in.

Starting point is 01:07:44 You know, like stems and seeds kind of thing. Yeah like Italian seasoning. Well you can put it in a little cup whatever. Well that has put me right off. Anyway that's the Christmas dinner sorted for the Christmas party. I'm sure it was a success all round. Yeah. Better than the one we had a few years ago I'll say that for you. Oh it is definitely. That was intolerably chemically. Entirely chemically. And that was just very mid as I said. Mid. Just tasted kind of a gravy.

Starting point is 01:08:11 Yeah. I wasn't getting no stuffing. Oh the stuffing was not there. Apart from the blackened stump of some herb. Whatever that is. Right, I'm gonna go for a bit of a dance and a drink. It's oregano here now, and then it's orego Oregano

Starting point is 01:08:33 I'm gonna be completely honest Do it properly okay here we go do what properly I just thought you have a mental break Give it time all all right? All right. All right, Clean Elizabeth, give it time. I give it time, Clean Elizabeth. That pot noodle had some oregano in it, but now that the pot noodle's been taken away, it's oregano. I see. There you go. I feel bad now.

Starting point is 01:08:55 I'm going to let that sit. No one's speaking for a minute. I'm letting something sit. Yeah? You're all right. You're good. All right, let's have a little bit of a boogieing down. All right, I'm a little bug and I've got a face.

Starting point is 01:09:06 And you're coming in, in the place. I scratch my knobs and Dandruff comes out. Ooh, powder, it's all about. We're right up to the last line we do, alright, then it hits the bed. Right, let's have a bit of a boogie, then we'll come back for presents and crackers. How about that? Presents and crackers, hooray! Welcome back for presents and crackers, how about that? Presents and crackers, hooray! You, what a blooming list.

Starting point is 01:09:28 I'd better try boots for this lot. Just what I'm looking for. Mustn't forget the aftershave. Something for the ladies. Mm, very professional. I wouldn't mind that myself. Now let's see. Mmm, they look tasty.

Starting point is 01:09:47 The kids'll love you. Mm-hmm. I think that's the Bloomy Lot. Whoops, now I'm for it. Oi, I've got something for you. And I've got something for you too, my dear. From Boobs. There's a Christmas present for everybody at Boobs.

Starting point is 01:10:05 Pay a visit to Curries this Christmas. Come on, it's over here. And you really won't believe your eyes. We'd like to buy a dishwasher. Well, I've heard this hot bone's very good. It is actually. You'll find an incredible choice of top names. Gotta get one of these new CDs.

Starting point is 01:10:21 All with service to match. And we'll deliver morning or afternoon for just a little extra we've got all the latest models it's got three different wash programs and because we're currys you'll always find great value for money I know but they made it all so easy. Carries. You'll like the difference. Get a job, get a job, get a job, get a job, get a job, get a job. Doesn't go like that. Get a job, get a job, it does go like that actually. No it goes do do do, do do do do do do do.

Starting point is 01:10:56 Get a job. Do do do. What's that one that I like from the Blues Brothers? Remember that one? Dan Aykroyd did. What do you expect in your mother's mouth? now? Now, now, is it? Yeah. Is it? It's kind of doing a

Starting point is 01:11:19 thing, isn't it? A racist. Don't be racist. Just get your nose. Do you think Dan was a racist? No. I don't think he is. I don't think he is. Anyway, happy Christmas to you. Da da da da da. Da da da da da. Da da da da da. And after the Christmas time, I had a choffney bar off.

Starting point is 01:11:35 A choffney choff. Come on, for old times sake. A choffney bar off. A choffney choff. I've got a tray of choffneys. I've got another buff. I'm going to put my chomping jumps in've got another buff, I'm gonna put my chopper jumps in my puffer-toff.

Starting point is 01:11:46 Right, he's gone. Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off!

Starting point is 01:11:54 Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off!

Starting point is 01:12:02 Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Chodney, go off! Colin blanket two weeks later, smelly bed. Do you want your own podcast mate to do this on? I do, I actually do. What could it be called? Fish in blankets. Yeah. Fish in blankets.

Starting point is 01:12:13 Hello. Eli Silverman's fish in blankets. You have to be quiet while I do an imaginary opening to my podcast. I'm going to drink this daiquiri. Hello and welcome to fish in blankets. I'm Eli Silverman. Thanks for joining me guys. This week, mackerel in linens. Kill me.

Starting point is 01:12:27 That's the mackerel. I call him John John the Fishboy. Help me. I shouldn't exist. I'll be putting you out of your misery mate. I shouldn't exist. And come back next week where I've got shrimp. Shrimp all up the fucking arse. I'm Lord's fallacy. I've got shrimp in my arse King prawn of the horn. Oh, yeah twang a twang

Starting point is 01:12:55 I've got a real image there Yeah, you've got a real image mate. A prawn's curled tail coming out of a meatus basically all the old favorites twang in the prawn Meet us, all the old favourites. Twanging their prawns, I've witched out my meet us. Don't need me. I'm making a tune on a frozen prawn. I've stuck it up my meet us. Ooh you may yawn. It's not got, ooh may yawn.

Starting point is 01:13:15 Ooh you may yawn, because you've pulled up my incessant prawn twanging. Incessant prawn twanging. It's Christmas time, it's time for crackers. I've got a cracker, Eli and I, and then you. Here's what we've got to do, me and you, then you and him, and then him and me, and then we go around, all right? And what we're going to look at, we're able to get these, are these good toys? These were Asda luxury crackers for £6. Ooh, bit off market, off message for the cheap show.

Starting point is 01:13:40 A little bit costly, but I got them because last year I've noticed that the cheap ones I've been getting all have the same stuff in and all the same jokes. Same jokes, same dangerous tweezers. Mottoes, yeah. So these should give us more variety and hopefully something new. So Eli, come on, grab that. I hope they're not trying to be educational though. Eli, put it in your hand.

Starting point is 01:13:58 Instead of a good joke they'll have something like sheet wigs. Plenty of tree little girls. Let me do my innuendo. Let me do my innuendo. I'm gonna slap my cracker in your hand and I want you to pull it off hard until something goes bang. Oh it didn't even great bang. Sloppy cracker. Hey! Hello, hello, hello. Right, just so you know, we're filming. So if you don't want to be in frame... Hey, we've got a new guest for the party! Hey!

Starting point is 01:14:34 Louis, Louis, Louis, sit down. Two hours to drive 12 miles. We were beginning to worry. I'm telling you right now, the infrastructure in this country is on its arse. On its arse, right. That's what we've been saying. We've been saying this. I've got to move the mic.

Starting point is 01:14:47 So luckily all you've missed is the horrible pot noodle Christmas dinner we've had. Right. It was dreadful. Good. Brilliant. And you're on this mic so you can shout into that. Louis is here everyone. It's a Christmas party miracle.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Yay! Now, you don't have to drink any of this horrible booze because I know you are a driver and it is only right that you are kept sober but there is Coca Cola and have as many snacks or chocolates as you want for my horrible trap trap. I'm hoping someone gets those winter spiced what foxes. Foxes open. Well, you can do it yourself half-coated party you know why they're half-coated a cafe is the get your coke if you like yeah we can do

Starting point is 01:15:31 you but they're in the kitchen it's in that listen I'm gonna go the cracker then because we're doing crackers right now so that that all came just in time for crackers so you'll have a little cracker. So yeah, of course they should. They're luxury asda. Yeah luxury asda. Specially selected or? Better than the shit I used to get from Poundland. I don't mind they're specially selected by a luxury person. Anyway, look, I got a bottle opener Eli, which is alright, innit?

Starting point is 01:16:00 Oh is that in the cracker? Yeah, I'm going to use it to open this purple grape WKD drink oh no there's yeah there's plastic ones here yeah I know I didn't need to buy those no but I'm gonna pour a little bit in here do you want to try a bit of this is this the grape WKD what WKD grape oh they've got terrible shitty plastic bottles as well yeah cuz they know when they realized the people who were drinking this were also using them as weapons right afterwards. So, that's what I think.

Starting point is 01:16:29 It's just reeks of Edinburgh nightclub. The whole vibe of it, you know? Ugh, no, that is bad. Can I, I'll taste it from your. It is bad, bad, bad, bad goo. Bad goo. What does that remind me of? Sheep, sheep grape drinks. Like chews, like jolly goo. Bad goo. What does that remind me of? Sheep, sheep grape drinks. Like chews, like jolly rancher chews.

Starting point is 01:16:48 Yeah, something like that, something a bit shit, yeah. Yeah. Now I'll stick with WKD Blue. Pure artificial grape flavor. The universal artificial grape. Why, but it doesn't, artificial flavors, they don't taste of the thing that they're artificially. No, you know what, but in some cases, it's that.

Starting point is 01:17:04 Do you want a tiki bit? I'm all right. For banana, for example, for banana, no, those grape, that grape, they taste of one particular strain, concord grapes. Why? Because it was a chemical that is in grapes, but not all grapes, and concord grapes have the highest concentration of that particular chemical that they use to make that artificial grape flavour. It's gnarly. Banana flavour is based on a totally different species of banana that used to be around when they developed that flavour. And that's why a lot of people don't like artificial banana flavour now.

Starting point is 01:17:35 What about strawberry? Strawberry doesn't taste like strawberry. No. Can I just say as well, I said universal grape, something something. I did say grapes. The conversation moved on really quick. I was going to say I am a universal grape. Yeah, universal grape something something. I did say the conversation moved on really quick I was going to say I am the universal grape. Yeah universal grape. Drink up my flesh I am the universal grape. Put me in a bottle drink me down. Oh Neil before the great Concordia. Put me on a cheese board eat me down I am the universal grape. This's quite a musical show today by the way in the way

Starting point is 01:18:06 that we're barely singing anything it's just shouty shouty right I've got the joke I've got the crackers so I've got the bottle opener top prize I'm gonna grate that. Do we KD Blue? Yeah. Could I I am, but how many units? It's one unit. You can have one then. Go on, open it. You can open my thing. There you go. I want to have 20 of them. We didn't get any ice. We didn't get any ice, but Paul doesn't mind. There's no ice. The taste of my childhood.

Starting point is 01:18:32 I'm anti-ice. God, that sounds rough. I mean late teens. Yeah. No, I wasn't drinking it when I was a teen. I can edit only this out if you want a confessional. Paul, are we picking Louis up on this? I'm just worried that we're not getting enough. Right, come to my house.

Starting point is 01:18:42 We are. Oh, that's fine. I've sorted it. Can you hear it? What? We're picking enough. We're picking, I guess Oh no, it's fine, I've sorted it Can you hear it? What? We're picking enough, we're picking Yeah, yeah, I've got it Why do you think I'm wearing these headphones for? I'm paranoid because I get a message from you going

Starting point is 01:18:52 I can fix it in the end, darling This shows my age I used to be able to get two for £1.50 When I used to go out on a night out Imagine that Well, that was £1 for the bottle of that Yeah, but in a nightclub In a nightclub, you just put it into a trough and let the masses swill

Starting point is 01:19:09 There was a place in Camden, you know, there's a place in Camden. Yeah This has been how it's been yeah It's a place in Camden that was a sort of venue and bar nightclub that was built into the back of you know The whole Sainsbury's development, that high tech built... Yeah. Oh god, are you alright? Oh my god! I keep thinking you're gonna throw up! And do you know what that club was called?

Starting point is 01:19:32 WKDs. Was it? Yeah. And I think it's to do with the drink. They were some kind of long term sponsorship. To stand for something. I don't know. I think it's wicked. Well I don't care about your opinion of it. Well, shut up!

Starting point is 01:19:44 Merry Christmas! wicked. I don't care about your opinion of it. Well shut up. I saw a hairdressers in a trendy part of London the other day and it was called disruptive behavior but as in like you know they're taking all the vows out that style. Ladies and gentlemen here is the joke from the cracker. Here we go. Eli. We do it like a riddle. That's the cheap show tradition. Everyone gets a guest. I get we do it like a riddle. That's the cheap show tradition. Everyone gets a guess. All right. Joke.

Starting point is 01:20:05 What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? Eli. He had 24 alibis and he opened one every day. I mean, that's really convoluted for a punchline of a gag. I'm trying to think. I'm just thinking out loud, Paul. Ethan. He did time.

Starting point is 01:20:23 Louis. He broke 24 windows. Well, I'm going to have to give the point to Ethan. He did time. Louis. He broke 24 windows. Well I'm gonna have to give the point to Eli because it was closest, the answer is he got 24 days. So when I said he did time that's also pretty good. It's better, it's what's known in the trade as doing better than the joke writers have been. The classic example is when I think it was Bifo did... I punched up a fucking cracker gag. Well done. Why didn't Cinderella play football? Why did she play the football?

Starting point is 01:20:52 Why wasn't she good at football? And then the answer actually was, because her coach was a pumpkin. But I said, it's because she was late for the ball. Always late for the ball. The problem with that is that ball was already in the set-up. No, because he fucked the set-up. Why is everyone blaming me for being funny? for the ball late always late for the ball late i don't know it's much better no no because that's because he fucked the set why is he always does this for being funny i can't help it if i'm a funny man it's not like being funny man come on repeat your beef and tomatoes joke then oh yeah

Starting point is 01:21:14 why didn't you actually hear the beef and tomato joke all right come on then come on now this is it i all i simply said was beef and tomato is when i thought on my balls All I simply said was beef and tomato is when I thought on my balls Amusement When you fall on your balls Well, that's what I decided it was today So when you're there lying in bed and you go and you let off some grease and you think and what you feel it on your balls I never feel it on my testes. I feel it on my balls. I feel it on my testes. I feel it in my balls. Da, da, da, da, da.

Starting point is 01:21:49 Et cetera. Beef and tomato. Here's a question. Eli, what is a female turkey called? Herky. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:21:59 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. It's a strong answer. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh dear. dear. Don't bother following that. I did the best there.

Starting point is 01:22:08 Right, it was a hen. A hen. Oh, it's not just a... Oh, it wasn't a giant. No, that's a question. That was funny. We're going to play... We're going to play Who Am I Now? So you've got 20 questions, yes or no, to figure out who I am.

Starting point is 01:22:24 Okay, I'll count the questions on my head okay go ask a question male or female female you have to ask because everyone's gonna get pull a cracker each dead or alive a death zombie fictional character right I'll give you that because I was gonna go fiction, you could just say... Alive if it's a fictional thing. Not living. We're getting right into the velocity. It only matters if they exist.

Starting point is 01:22:54 Would you describe a fictional character as alive or dead? You would say dead. They can't be alive if they never live, can they? They can't exist. But if they only exist in people's minds. If canonically they died. But they only exist in people's minds, it's canonically they died Yeah, they didn't exactly that's I don't know what happened to this character or when so I don't know just say it's fiction It doesn't matter lady fiction. Yes

Starting point is 01:23:20 We can't have characters pop up every time a name We can't have characters pop up every time a name or word or phrase. Oh no, you're putting your foot down! It's out of norovirus! He's been very bad. Very bad. All day. Come on, come on, you got three? Okay, come on, quick! Erm... Christ. Er... In showbiz? Yes or no?

Starting point is 01:23:37 No! Erm... This is awful. A writer? No! Erm... Oh... Erm... Just to make it ten. They are a fictional character did you say yes oh

Starting point is 01:23:47 fucking hell I wouldn't have lost those two I forgot it's not like Bridget Jones is gonna be the answer based on that but come on come on is it miss piggy no is it Marilyn Monroe no is, take back Marilyn Monroe. Alright, I will. Come on. I'm trying to think of one other female. This one with the female face. Red Riding Hood! But you're in the right ballpark.

Starting point is 01:24:15 What the fuck? What the fuck? How do you get to Red Riding Hood? What the fuck? I know, I'm really bad. What is in your brain? Sometimes, I sometimes just think to myself, I'm trying to name famous actresses, yeah? And I think I can't think of any famous actresses.

Starting point is 01:24:31 Well done. Anyway, it's this misogyny, it's built in. Anyway, two more. I'm giving you two more and then I'm going to pass it on. What did we say? Red Riding Hood was in the... All we've got is like, it's a strong Alphys and a character that's not Red Riding Hood. Or Marilyn Monroe.

Starting point is 01:24:43 Is it Snow White? No. Sleeping Beauty? No. Sleeping Beauty? No. We've got one more. Make it count. You're on the right track.

Starting point is 01:24:50 You've got to pick the right one next. Rapunzel? No, it was... Oh no, go on Ethan. Cinderella? Yes. Oh fuck! And she'd come up earlier because she's always late on the ball.

Starting point is 01:24:59 There we go, you two pull. I didn't expect this to take 17 minutes to do. Jesus Christ. This is the best bit of the show so far We had a new guest arrive. It's like Exciting I don't know why I found red riding on some Having a day of illumination That is a bookmark I think or something or paperclip or something I know a paper clip or something? I don't know. Right! Oh, here we go. Right then! Here's a joke for ya. I say, I say, I say. What do you say?

Starting point is 01:25:28 Why did the music teacher need a ladder? Er, I know this one. To reach the higher notes. Yeah! I was gonna say, because he cleans windows in his spare time. I mean, that would have been a practical answer. You get paid for calling the music teacher. You do get paid for calling the music teacher.

Starting point is 01:25:44 So it's best to have a side window clay. What's in the final secretary? Miss Moneypenny. Yes. Yeah. Moosh. There's a charade. Oh, this is going to be good. So you got to pick someone.

Starting point is 01:26:01 So if you're out here, I don't know. So you've got to do it to Louie then. Okay. Right. You've got to pick someone. So if you're out here, I don't know. So you've got to do it to Louie then. OK. Right. Here we go. You've got to guess this. Well, it's time to spruce up and get your guts going. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:26:13 Yeah, no. I mean, everything we bought today is disgusting. For instance, I'm having a vodka lime lemonade. I'd just like to do a hard cap of that whiskey, please. Just because I'm in the mood now. Here we go. I'm in the mood for a little while. Is the thing. Right. Here we go. whiskey, please. Just to, because I'm in the mood now. Here we go. I'm in the mood for, oh, wait, is the thing. Right.

Starting point is 01:26:27 Here we go. Right, film. It's a film. I know that much. Right. Oh, I'm enjoying this. And? It's slashing film in half.

Starting point is 01:26:37 It's a musical. Yeah. Let's all chip in because this could be nightmarish. It's a musical. It's a movie and a musical. Yeah. Is this a bad time to find out that I don't know? Song title. It's a movie and a musical. Yeah, is this the first time to find out that I don't know? Song title. It's a movie and a song title.

Starting point is 01:26:48 Goodbye Monkey Balls. Two words. First word. Heart, love, broken heart, heartbreak, hotel. Oh! Yeah, yeah, okay. Right, so we have to put that on there because it's a Philmander song.

Starting point is 01:27:03 It is. Like, that's a bit... How do you know about that? You too, Paul's a Phil Mander song. It is. That's a bit... I don't know about that. You too, Paul, now. It's hard. It is. It's hard. It's so hard.

Starting point is 01:27:11 Hey, Louis won that one. How much do you think one cap of this famous grouse is? I don't know. Two units? Two units. Two nips. So this is two for three on the crackers not actually going in. Yeah, snap it.

Starting point is 01:27:23 I've got... Oh, God. Earphones. Two for three on the crackers not actually crackers. Yeah, snap it. I've got... Ah, God, earphones! LAUGHTER That was dumb as fuck. I've got nail clippers. Yay! Nail clippers is a solid gap. Woo!

Starting point is 01:27:37 I can't have nails because my raps... Pipe them off! They do, they pull them off. Jesus! It's incredibly painful. God almighty! Yes. Why do you let them?. Jesus incredibly painful. God Almighty Yes, let them I mean that must take some time from beginning of the fall to the end I mean, you know, they think they're doing a nice thing for me So I let that be well because they think that I've got something horrible on my nails So they will take a fake nail off by absolutely ripping it. Oh, it's a fake nail and then they pull their cuticles off

Starting point is 01:28:01 Yeah, yeah, it's quite painful. I'm gonna buy you thimble. Thimbles for Christmas. Why? So you can protect your nails. Well I mean they'll be stolen by my other rat cinnamon. He nicks stuff. Well then they'll all have thimble hats and that'll be quite charming. Yay!

Starting point is 01:28:13 Like a fez. My rat's too fat. Cinnamon's a little thief, little rotter. Oh he nicks everything. He nicks credit cards, bank statements. Does he put it in his nest? Where does he put it? He has various stashing areas that he will take stuff to.

Starting point is 01:28:24 Um... Seems like a lot of admin. They make nests. Don't they nest in the wild, rats? Yeah. They take, they make, they put stuff... They make nests, yeah, but I mean, my boys don't really make nests, they make a mess. I don't make a nest.

Starting point is 01:28:37 Do you? My room is very nest-like. It is very nest-like, yeah. Right, come on. What is the joke and such? Right, what's brown and creeps around the house sneaky cinnamon I knew that you were gonna be crass no no hang on hang on let me hear it one more time what's brown and creeps around the house sneaky uncle poo honestly Ivy what's brown as I do I They're not even brown. Sneaky Uncle Pooh. Shut up. Like, honestly.

Starting point is 01:29:05 Ivy? What brown is sneaking up? Heidi. Ivy, Ivy. I'm sorry, that was funny, a hiding. No, it wasn't. I don't think it was. I'm Heidi Ivy.

Starting point is 01:29:13 Heidi Ivy. That would be dead Ivy though. Brown and sneaks around the house. He threw me off because he said it wasn't brown. He wasn't sure it was brown. The voting house of leaves type thing. No, well it's not brown, it's brown. Is it a stealth cat? Polter.aves type thing. No, well it's not brown, it's beige. Is it a stealth polter?

Starting point is 01:29:25 Polter branch. No! Polter branch! It's, okay, well it's actually beige. I mean, they say it's brown but it's beige. What's beige and brown? Is it a sneaky khaki? Is it Amy Hogan?

Starting point is 01:29:41 What's a khaki? Can you have khaki as a singular noun? You can't. Right. Well done for spotting that. I'll tell you, it's mince spies apparently. Aww. Boooo. I didn't write this shit. They don't sneak. Pies don't sneak.

Starting point is 01:29:58 No, that's spies. Mince spies. As in mince spies. Mince spies. Right. You say it quickly enough, it's like a mince spy. Pies. Mince spies. As in min spies Very poor joke Spies made out are they making that noise? Because they're turned on. That's cool. Why do you think you'd get into mince spying, the mince

Starting point is 01:30:30 espionage game, if you weren't deeply sexually attracted to mince? Everyone would know if you're going around with a massive boner and making rrrr sounds. Not if you're being sneaky about it. Not if you're in the park. No, because you get paid top dollar by all sorts of international

Starting point is 01:30:46 parties. So you hold it down. Sometimes you let out a groan when you see some fresh mints. Just strap it to your thigh. That helps. Sorry. Anyway. I just think it's a bad joke because there's no sneaking. They're bad. I mean. No they're sneaking because there's mint spies. What but why are they creeping around the house as well? That's crazy. Because they're spying. Because they're spying. Because they're spying what are they doing in my house I'm surprised we got into the weeds of this as much as we have let's move on to the next cracker there's a question well done you gotta answer it super quick I've've decided. Right, Eli, quick. List the seven dwarves, go.

Starting point is 01:31:26 Sleepy... Dormant... LAUGHTER Sleepy, Dopey, Happy... Dormant! And then three more, quick, quick, quick! Sleepy, Happy... What did I say? Oh, for fuck's sake!

Starting point is 01:31:40 Dormant! Oh, Sleepy... You're Dormant! Sleepy, Happy... Becrastinator... Ecclesiastical! Doki and! Sleepy! You're not dormant! Sleepy, happy, procrastinator, ecclesiastical! Doki and Doc, you've got three left. Did I say Dopey? Yeah, you said Dopey. Floppy, chubby, mom. I said happy.

Starting point is 01:31:52 You said happy. I don't fucking know, you know, that's what it is. Well, you're missing grumpy, sneezy and bashful. Yeah, bashful. Aren't you? Did anyone else get creeped out by bashful? Creeped out! Why?

Starting point is 01:32:02 Because he's like, oooooh! No, it's not your like yeah yeah you're like that's you at the mince factory come on Louie and me we're talking it come on I just snatches my present off me thank you I'm just gonna tie a loop in it for you. I got this. No, you can do it, because I can't do yo-yos. That's what I thought as well. Do you remember for a hot minute in the late 90s, yo-yos were just the thing?

Starting point is 01:32:33 The thing, yeah. That was insane. I had one that had the glow up lights. Yeah, and the ball berries. A light one, that was a nice one. That was a good time to be alive. The gyro one was just yo-yap. You know, they were originally, when they came out in the 40s, I'm going to say, something

Starting point is 01:32:48 like that, they were one of the original fad toys of the 20th century. Like a frisbee and stuff. Yeah, makes sense. What are you best at? Hula hoop, frisbee, yo-yo. Definitely hula hoop. Hula hoop. What are you best at?

Starting point is 01:33:01 Hula hoop, frisbee. Yo-yo, but I'm not good at it. All right, what are you best at? What? Frisbee. Frisbee. Is it hot in here? Joke joke joke who is never hungry at Christmas hahaha who is never hungry at Christmas that's the joke come on who's got a good gag. Who is never hungry at Christmas? The jokes? Yeah. Who is never hungry at Christmas? Joke. Anyone who's dead because they don't have any emotions or feelings. Good, nice, nice, nice, nice one. I mean that's technically the truth. It is true, but then, you know,

Starting point is 01:33:29 then all the dead are never hungry for Christmas. Is the dead the answer? No, it's not the dead. Ethan. It could be the answer to a lot of things. Who's never hungry at Christmas? Oh, I don't fucking know. Someone stuffed, wouldn't they, like stuffing stuffing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ! A turkey, because they're always stuffed. It's a correct answer. I prefer the dead. Right, question. See, the dead includes quite a lot of things.

Starting point is 01:33:58 Oh, we're seeing through the matrix! Most of the universe is dead, isn't it? Really? Keep it light! it's our Christmas! I like to get philosophical like the whole thing with fictional characters whether they're alive or dead

Starting point is 01:34:13 that's where I'm perked up hello, I'm philosophical hello there, hello there I'm philosophical your accent has changed in a quick minute because I've got the character now hello there I'm philosophical isn't've got the character now. You just had to find it. Hello there, I'm Phil- I'm Phil- philosophical. Oh yeah, what do you do? Isn't the universe a strange thing?

Starting point is 01:34:28 Philosophical there, just thinking, thinking about it. I really want to know. What's the hand of- what's the sound- What's the hand of one sound clapping? Oh man. I'm philosophical. What's the hand of one? Oh, I'm going mad, Paul. Stop.

Starting point is 01:34:44 You have to stop. Stop with that mouth-notice. Right, everyone's... We're doing... We're doing, what am I? So we'll all go round. You're gonna ask a question each. What's the hand of one? What's the sound of one hand clapping? I know, that's the right way to say it.

Starting point is 01:34:59 That's what I said when I edit this. I'll put it in the right way. Right, who am I? It's 20 questions. Eli, start with you, then Ethan, then Louis, and then Brown. Go, so, go, question, ask me, yes or no only. Fictional. Yes. Female.

Starting point is 01:35:12 No. Dead. No. Although he has died. So dead in the canon. Yeah. Sherlock Holmes. No.

Starting point is 01:35:20 James Bond. No. Doctor Who. No. 20th century? What? No, yeah, 20th Century character. Yeah. Yeah. That didn't really help. No. No, go on. Er, movie? No. Yes, yes. Many. Many? Go on. Star Wars? Oh no. It's a character, not a genre. Yeah, is he from Star Wars? Oh, er, no. Right. Go on.

Starting point is 01:35:42 No, right go on Jesus wet mother. Oh my god Yeah, you're being a prick about this right come on who is it Han Solo want to say but those Yes So far, it's not everything else. You've all said Can I have another question? Yes. So far, it's not everything else you've all said. Was it originally from a book that then turned into a series? Comic.

Starting point is 01:36:10 I'll do it, I even say comic. Yes. Go on, next. Mr. Bean. No, he was never in a comic book. I bet he was. Go, Louis. Oh, it must be Superman.

Starting point is 01:36:18 It is Superman! Yay! Right, we've got two crackers left. That wasn't in the character! Not a genre, he called it a genre. It's not a genre. I mean, it called it a genre. Not a genre.

Starting point is 01:36:26 I mean it is almost a genre. I'm doing well today, what's the present? Can I have the joke? Can I read the joke out please? Yeah, alright. I've got a hat, bollocks. Oh, it's one of those fucking things! Those horrible metal, wastes of metal.

Starting point is 01:36:41 There you go. How are these luxury? Go on. They're not. Are not ready for the joke yes boom ready where does father christmas go to recover after christmas the priory oh uh the north star on priory yeah anyone else got any ideas ask me to give him another clue the elf the elf uh. Mental elf station. No, you're almost there.

Starting point is 01:37:08 The mental elf clinic. An elf farm. An elf farm? Aww, that doesn't... What's a health farm? Yeah, what's a health farm? Fuck, it's a health farm. What's a health farm?

Starting point is 01:37:17 These have been written by AI. Which thing in the 1980s? It's health farms. People got their health farms. Did they grow health? No, they got like... They would lose weight or whatever. It's like the Pri No they got like they would lose weight or whatever. It's like the Pyro. It's very similar. It's basically what they would call rehab. For rich middle class people basically.

Starting point is 01:37:32 Any questions? Poor, very poor. Poor, poor, poor. Let's all neg out on all of this. Come on now, I'm totally Riz. Shut up! I am. So choogey. What do you mean choogey? Can't you start phrasing things? I'm joking. You're flumbus.

Starting point is 01:37:52 No, that's not. Come on, question. Cromulant. What is that from? What do you reckon that's from? Cromulant. Phil's Roald Dali. No, I keep saying this.

Starting point is 01:38:01 He wants to prove me wrong, but it's from The Simpsons. It's the statue. It's the Jebediah Springfield thing. Donald Sutherland says it, a very cromulant thing. Get over it, Eli, I was right. Fair enough. I can't have this argument with you every fucking week! Literally wasn't right, but I told you you made it.

Starting point is 01:38:14 I haven't looked it up on purpose because I still want to believe I'm right in my heart. Right, can you please continue? Yes, I will. What's the question? The question is... Because we're all zoning out now. This is terrible. Is it?

Starting point is 01:38:22 Let's just get this out of the way. Go on. What planet is closest to the sun? Mercury. Mercury. Now, there's a charades. Oh, he's got a charades. You ready for this?

Starting point is 01:38:31 Charades time with Eli Silverman. We all play this. Let's do it. It's a competition. It's a game. It is. I like competitions and games. I'm very good at them.

Starting point is 01:38:40 I intend to win. You're such a psycho sometimes. Honestly. It's not like in real life you're a psycho, but as soon as that fucking mic's turned on, the sociopathy fucking creeps out. I'm a monster! I'm a monster! We had a really nice chat about video games earlier and now you've... You know what I mean? And then he's suddenly really sociopathic, isn't he?

Starting point is 01:38:56 Star Wars isn't a person! Star Wars isn't a person! It is to me. It's a person I love very deeply and have intimate relations with. You are nothing but mess go on What's the capture odd? The charade we do I'm charade but Go on are you happy came to the Christmas party? Around at any point got more plot points coming up. We're gonna? We've got to do a plot point soon, yeah. Fucking hell.

Starting point is 01:39:25 Come on. You ready? Yes. It's a shout. What's the thing? A song. Right, I'll come on. Audio podcast, five, six, seven, eight words.

Starting point is 01:39:36 We wish you a Merry Christmas. Stop trying to guess. Isn't that the game, though? No, stop trying to guess just from the fucking word count. Why not? It's valid. What if I got it right though? Fuck's sake you are no fun. Oh three times Nine words

Starting point is 01:39:54 I don't find this I find this offensive first word me you a a tiny tiny man I Me. You. A. A. Tiny. Tiny man. I. I. Wish it could be Christmas every day. Shut up! Oh I'm sorry if I'm not allowed to fucking guess in a guessing based game. I. Third word. I. Stare. I. Call. I. Call. I just call to say I love you. Oh That's what happens when you work together for so long well done you can read through the lines I was good at your eyes wasn't I see that efficiency going to the third world, you know me

Starting point is 01:40:35 It's a real skill to that and that's why it was a long-running TV show with Lionel Blair right in that case. I loved Lionel Blair. Yeah, what an entertainer. Yeah Right, in that case. I loved Lionel player. Yeah. What an entertainer. Yeah. So that's all for you. Merry Christmas!

Starting point is 01:40:47 I made it awkward. Right, you two can pull the last cracker and then we can end this hellhole. Come on. Cracker pop. Oh! Yeah. They're banging on me here again. Right, what's the joke?

Starting point is 01:40:57 Oh, a little cookie cutter! That's alright. That's pretty good, isn't it? For a little cookie. You can make a bunch of cookies. That's the tiniest cookie. Tiny cookie. I mean, that's fine, right? Yeah. But, I mean, that's a bit Make a big make a bunch of cookies

Starting point is 01:41:06 Tiny cookie, that's fine right yeah, but with the nail clippers. I always feel like why would you? It's a tool. It's a sort of serious tool for like you but in your wallet You know I mean, and it's actually quite dangerous Cracker oh my god. Here we go. Hey, here we go. God. God. God. Here we go here we go here we go how does she greet each other at Christmas hello hello I'm gonna get I'm gonna get sheepishly I'm gonna tell you now when Paul said sheepishly that is so much better How why what does sheep say to each other on Christmas Day on Christmas Day What do they agree? How do they greet each other at Christmas?

Starting point is 01:41:53 bar bar Christmas no bar Bleed Mary bleep miss You met happy new year happy getting close. Oh you Happy Christmas to you Happy New Year! You're getting closer! Happy Christmas to you! To you! Isn't it? And Merry Christmas to you! It's always you!

Starting point is 01:42:13 Why would sheep greet other sheep differently on Christmas? They don't celebrate big rituals. They just have huge distended wanganuts off the back of their things, don't they? I guess! Have you ever seen a sheep's backside? Huge distended wanganuts off the back of their things Sheeps backside like we're really driving This is a question it's actually more of a red deer it's been a bad year for me Alright mate Jesus It's a little riddle me do it's time for riddle What seven-letter word has hundreds of letters in it what seven-letter word has hundreds of letters in it? What seven-letter word has hundreds of words in it?

Starting point is 01:42:46 Encyclopedia. No, dictionary. No. What it is though? No. Dick, D-I-C, G-I-A-O-N, R-I-Y. Post office. Library. More forwards. what you were saying. Letters. Bookshop. No, post depot. Sorting office. Royal Mail. You're saying, you're around it. Not post office, what's the thing, another fucking word for that?

Starting point is 01:43:15 Pre-office. You're so around it, you're so around it right now. Pre-office and post office. Pre-office and post office. I'm sticking to it. Stop saying it. Prophets. Postbox.

Starting point is 01:43:24 Yeah. Oh, just comes in subtly and'm sticking to it. Stop saying it! Post box? Yeah! Oh! Just comes in subtly and the sign steals it! Look at that! Well done. That's like an offside rule if you ask me. And I've got to who am I? Here we go, come on. Round and round we go.

Starting point is 01:43:34 Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows. Poor Keirs. Oh. Okay, I guess we won't play this. Let's go, go on. Why, what are you doing? Cracker bin.

Starting point is 01:43:46 Go on, middle me do. Who are you? You have to ask me questions. Oh, are you male or female? Female. Oh, okay, all right. Fiction, non-fiction. Fiction.

Starting point is 01:43:56 Fiction, oh, there's a lot of fiction. Female fiction, is that right so far? Yes, yeah. Alive. Alive. Is it, I'm going on, are they what they're from books or are you from a from a movie been in movies yes been in movies yes okay specifically no no all right go on

Starting point is 01:44:18 yeah no yeah yeah you're involved in no by all means eat the pretzels. Nice, that snack tray. Could you pass that over actually? What, that crumbly snack tray? I'm into this. See, I grew up in families where they wouldn't buy this. Oh, I'm sorry. Not in families, I was in one family. Oh yeah, I was going to say, how many families have you been in before? He was passed around a lot. A swaddled orphan.

Starting point is 01:44:43 Oh dear. A swaddled orphan, that's a great metal band. Yeah. What do three fours... I'm swaddled orphan and I live in a manger, I come out at night and I'm black! I thought I was gonna go... Are they good or evil? Yeah. That's really hard to say.

Starting point is 01:44:59 Oh. Chaotic neutral. Oh, chaotic neutral. Is it... Dame Edna average no What's that one in the Batman films? I can't think of their name Harley Quinn Harley Quinn. No That would be more evil Yeah in league with the Joker I can't what have you got

Starting point is 01:45:22 I can't what have you got? What have I got? In general? Yeah Oh no just for the question Oh yeah just for the question We can't get too dig deep So are they in comics? I don't think so

Starting point is 01:45:33 Oh dear I feel like I would have heard of it Is it? Salty savoury snack mix Is it? Banging Alright mate I've given up

Starting point is 01:45:41 You have fun with your salty savoury snack mix I'm gonna open the pretzels mix. There's pretzels in one corner, salt and savoury snacks. You should have got some dip. I've never seen these before. These are all the suits of playing cards. Yeah, they're adorable. They're great. Are they cheesy?

Starting point is 01:45:54 No, they're just plain. They're salty. Because I have them as cheesy ones. How has this happened? Some pretzels have got into the suits. Throw it out. This has been contaminated. Sorry, not to sideline, but have you seen that Pringles are now salt flavored and not salted salt flavored? What's that about? Oh my god!

Starting point is 01:46:10 They must have MSG in them. Oh is that what it means? It must be yeah. Earlier when I had these chocolate coins I actually noticed they are chocolate flavor coins. Oh yeah. They are not cooked. There's not an ounce of chocolate in this. You were very down on those. They were rank! What did you hear on Cheap Slow? We tasted American snacks next to the British equivalent. Yeah, yeah the Kit Kat and the Rolos and stuff. The post LA episode. It's crazy.

Starting point is 01:46:32 It's crazy. It's funny how awful American chocolate is even in their base products like the Kit Kat and Rolos. Oh it is, it's rancid. Was it Snickers? Past the savoury snacks round. Past the snackies on the left hand side. You know what, I again the sideline I

Starting point is 01:46:48 Absolutely fucking hate Jaffa cakes with a passion. I think they're disgusting. Okay, you're gonna have to leave. I'm sorry about this Yeah, every time I'm at an event where they see me they troll me by buying me more Jaffa cake I don't want to get into that I've got 16 boxes of the fuckers at home occasionally I can put some around want to get into that? I've got 16 boxes of the fuckers at home. Occasionally I give them to my rats. The rats quite like them but... Well at least the rats will like it. At least the rats are getting something out of it. If we're talking about Jaffa cakes I do need to just bring something up. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. On our episode 400 I claimed that Jaffa cakes had never done like different flavours other than orange before but apparently they have. Yeah I actually said that in the episode but whatever, no you know you never listen to me.

Starting point is 01:47:28 I've got some strawberry ones. Who was it? We've all given up. Yeah strawberry Jaffa cakes. No it's Miss Piggy. Yeah well I've got some German ones. Miss Piggy. Oh yeah that's what I mean but are they Jaffa cakes? No they're actually decent.

Starting point is 01:47:37 Sorry Miss Piggy what? It was Miss Piggy. Oh I said that earlier. Yeah but in a different round so it doesn't count. Well it should. Well listen I think it's time for presents now So how about we have a little snack in a boogie and then we'll have some presents about that All right groovy. Can you teach me the Chattanooga? I certainly can

Starting point is 01:47:55 I'm not gonna edit that I'm gonna let that dangle and make it all that's not fun. That's not fun when you do that. It is because You need to realize I get off on the edit it's my thrill I gave you a good edit point yeah exactly give me another one with two fantastic ways to save no one's making a bigger noise than hate Samuel this Christmas there are massive reductions on gifts for everyone like this nine karat gold neckmint and bracelet set at just 49.95, this nine-carat solid gold watch at 99.50,

Starting point is 01:48:31 this musical jewelry box at 19.95, or these nine-carat gold pendants at under a tenner each. But that's not all! Spend 150 pound to get a 50-pound voucher free. It's like getting a third of your money off the H. Samuel sale. It's a hot a third of your money off. That ain't Samuel's sale. It's a ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Right, right, before we get to presents, I've decided we're going to have some crisp snacks. Now, you know every year we do this and we go and get crisps and there's like an assortment of like, you know, what do we have left?

Starting point is 01:49:37 What you're talking about are limited edition. Oh, it's just Christo. I'm just helping you. No, you do your own fucking podcast mate. I'm not here. It's going well this segment. Don't know what you want from me. One sentence in and this segment is going to be... I wasn't trying to disrail. Disrail? It's Benjamin Disraeli.

Starting point is 01:49:52 Disraeli. We were all thinking it! We were all thinking that! I was thinking of that Cream album. Mostly. Disraeli Gears. Alright, well good. Well done. Oh, I'm Disraeli gears! Disraeli gears! By all means, if you want to jump in with a character based on two words you hear in

Starting point is 01:50:08 a row, by all means go for it. Go on. Oh, I'm for it! Anyway. Usually there's a lot more variety of these Christmas based crisps. What I'm saying is these are spec- limit- the only thing I wanted to say Paul. What I'm saying is I'd like to get a sense of that. I just want to let everyone know at home what Paul is referring to are the limited edition Christmas themed

Starting point is 01:50:27 flavors that crisp companies put out see now Louis understands you weren't making that clear you always do that as far as It's a bit hard to get my confused idea out when I don't get to the part of the sentence with my idea exists All right, so anyway with all that being said there was nothing like that this oh I've started yeah there's loads here when you spilt the thing in me J it's not a cheap show Christmas office party unless he could force some big snot out What? It's caro season! I've got mucus like all other humans! Sorry for being human! Hahahaha! Hahahaha!

Starting point is 01:51:11 Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Am I gonna die? We're all gonna die. We are all gonna die. And most of the world is dead already. Anyway, this is the episode I die. Right, so the point is, when I went looking for stuff this Christmas, right, I came up short. I come up short all the time.

Starting point is 01:51:33 I'm very short. I'm 5'1". Alright. How tall are you? 5'7". Yeah. Ominous.. Oh God. Right. Start with, do your crisp intro. God!

Starting point is 01:51:49 No you can't! It's not my fault you can't do the intro. It is? Right, okay. So, with all that being said, when I went crisp Christmas shopping, I discovered that it seems that the only Christmas brand of crisps you can get this year is turkey stuffing flavour. So look, let me get up.

Starting point is 01:52:11 So we can compare turkey stuffing flavours. Cos there's fucking loads. There's Seabrooks turkey and stuffing. There's Aunt Bessie's roast turkey and stuffing. Oh roasted? There is... Boom! Golden Wonder!

Starting point is 01:52:28 Oh you don't see that brand very often do you? Turkey and Stuffing. Turkey and Stuffing, yes. Turkey and Stuffing Tortilla Chips. Let's do it! Er, hang on. Turkey and Stuffing taste a different same group. Oh they should be the best ones, I bet they're not though.

Starting point is 01:52:42 And then the other ones that I've got. Pigs in a Blanket, Pigs in a Blanket, No I know, I said the other flavour I got. It's Pigs in a Blanket. Pigs in a Blanket, Pigs in a Blanket, So what do you want to start with? Because we've got lots of turkey flavours.

Starting point is 01:52:58 Can I ask a question about Pigs in a Blanket? Yeah. Is it just a toad in a hole? No, because toad in a hole is batter isn't it? It is. It is. Yeah. Isn't it just a toad in a hole? No, because toad in a hole is batter, isn't it? It's it. It is! It's... it's... It's nice, thick batter. Yes.

Starting point is 01:53:13 And what's a pig in a blanket? What is a sausage after saying? Could you have a toad in a hole which was a pig in a blanket in a hole? No, because a toad in a hole is sausage and batter. How about this? It's a pig in a blanket pretending to be a toad which goes in a hole You know what I'm talking about now No

Starting point is 01:53:34 It's a prune or a date wrapped in bacon yeah, oh god, that's not my deal has nasty pasty I'm drawing a line now under that nasty pasty out the door. Right. Can finish your sentence. What sentence? Oh, I was going to say that's the league against fruit and meat. That's it. Oh, they're separate packets. Yeah, these ones comes in separate packets. We can share one. This is the first of They're crinkle cut! This is the first of the, erm... We don't have to do all of these because I did buy too many. I would like to taste them all and compare them all. Alright, we'll get through them quick then.

Starting point is 01:54:11 Okay, let's go on this. See, Brooks? I'd like to keep this episode of the podcast under four hours if that's alright. Brilliant by the bank fold, apparently. I- I- We quite like these, Brooks. There's one herb note that is coming off which I think is going to be universal amongst all these. Do you know what that herb note is? Errrr.

Starting point is 01:54:29 Errrr. No, that's... Anyway. I'm herby notes. Oh, you're herby notes. Errrr. We've had herby note on before. I know.

Starting point is 01:54:38 Alright. Rosemary, that's what the smell is. There's no turkey in that. I think mine are you getting? Chicken. Just rosemary stuffing. Salty. Yeah. I think all of these are going to have one thing in common.

Starting point is 01:54:52 They're going to have a rosemary note and they're going to have a sort of rose chicken flavoured walkers sort of as the turkey. There's some pepper. Standing in for the turkey. There is some pepper at the back. I'm not getting a turkey. It's a bit more stuffing forward. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:55:05 As opposed to gravy forward. Gravy forward, yeah. That's not, that's quite nice. It's alright. There's a nice salty level. There's a nice salt level. You know what I'm saying? But I wouldn't say it's particularly strong on the turkey front.

Starting point is 01:55:16 That's my issue with it really. I'm getting a real sort of standard. Standard! Chicken. Chicken flavoured, crisp sort of back note. Right, here's the next one. Golden Wonder. Oh Golden Wonder now they fell off back in the bloody late 70s.

Starting point is 01:55:32 Golden Wonder? Oh no, they were predominant during the 80s weren't they? And then they had a massive chip pan fire and that's when walkers moved in. Sweep them off. I'm getting no rosemary on the nose there. Rose on the nose. Nose-mary. No nose-mary. Nose-mary.

Starting point is 01:55:50 Hello, I'm nose-mary! Brute. There's not very little smell. Louis making faces, what do you think? No, there's like, there's a bit of a drive-by with the turkey flavour. No, it's really quick. Mmm. But otherwise very bland. Yeah. Oh, I'm not in my one yet.

Starting point is 01:56:08 It's like the quickest, bleh, turkey, and then it fell apart. Yeah. That's weird. If someone just told me that's a chicken-flavoured crisp, I'd just think that. Yeah. It's very sugary. And there's a sweetness, yeah. But are you getting any rosemary? That's just not as nice as the sea bass at all. This is really bland. Yeah. That's what I used to say to my single middle-aged neighbor. Yeah, daddy rosemary right cuz she was called rosemary

Starting point is 01:56:29 Are you getting any sex? That's the joke there. That's very bad even Even by today's standards. He's walking out everyone. I'm sorry It is below me it's below you you? It's your fucking podcast mate. Sorry, no, I meant to say... It's below me, it's below me. No, I meant to say... I meant to say it's below me, below me. Oh, that's something I like to eat.

Starting point is 01:56:54 If you are offering. I like to eat below me. Do you? Yeah, it's great. Anyway, these crisps, no, no, don't like them. Below me is one of those worst. They're fine, it's just that they're just not really anything. No, they're not anything. They're just just sleep. They were very very low flavour.

Starting point is 01:57:07 Yeah. They were an extremely mid crisp. To borrow a phrase, they lacked amplitude. Indeed they did, but the first ones, those Seabrooks I've noticed are quite nice crisps generally. Jocelate the bag. I'm gonna jocelate the bag. This is wait Rose Christmas turkey stuffing flavored tortilla chips Yeah, that feels wrong doesn't it Christmas tree shape That's very weird it's the rose don't know if that work That's very weird is the rose don't know if that work on That works Awful, but the texture and the flavor don't go strongest flavor the strongest smell But very bossy. Oh

Starting point is 01:57:56 this man of The seasoning packets you get in noodles. Yeah, it's very All like all like the Mexican spice mix., you know that kind of thing. Yeah Sometimes we're taught here chips You can get sort of like a kind of dusty residue afterwards and I'm getting a lot of that you're getting a lot of that Oh, I'm dusty revenue residue. Oh, yeah We put a moratorium on this place. Yeah, well you started it I've got something to say about those crisps. Go on. They fail because something about the flavour of the corn, just the pure corn flavour,

Starting point is 01:58:33 clashes with the artificial rosemary flavour. I don't know if it's artificial but the taste of the corn- The stuffing part. Yes, the taste of the corn becoming before that rosemary note makes the rosemary note taste off. Do you see what I'm getting at? It's that weird sort of clashy. So far I really miss the Seabrooks. Seabrooks are easily the best. You started too strong there, Paul. I'm ready to do this for the next six hours.

Starting point is 01:58:58 We've got another aberration on this. This is Sainsbury's taste of difference, but it's called turkey gravy flavour. So it doesn't turkey gravy flavour. Oh, so there's no stuffing. Oh, are we, are those all the stuffing ones? No, no, we've got one more. Well can we do, oh it's probably good to have a break from the stuffing. Yeah, maybe. What's the half saying?

Starting point is 01:59:15 Well it smells like, I don't know, unwashed pants. Frankly, it really does. I'm not even exaggerating. That sounds like a laundry bin. Don't do that please. Not like that. The jostle-ation and the approximation to your groin makes me conjure up images that I don't need right now. But maybe later. Yeah, not a nice smell, you're right. Yeah, boffy.

Starting point is 01:59:38 Yeah, just sort of undefined sort of guffy sort of whiff, isn't it? These are meant to be taste of difference. I can't taste the difference. I really can't. I don't even know what that smell is. It's weird isn't it? It's like a... Clungy. I can't explain it. It's not clungy. It's not clunch like. It's more poo poo.

Starting point is 01:59:58 Galatanous. Galatanous. Thick. Gumpy. I don't know what that tastes like, it's not turkey or gravy. They taste of, they just taste of crisps that have been left out. Yeah, it's very salty. Very salty. Just stale. Yeah, no. They're not good. They're not good, are they? Right, I'll get the next one. They taste better than they smell. And that's small comfort, really. Right, here we go. We've got Seabrooks. Back again.

Starting point is 02:00:27 SEABROOKKS! But there's a subtle difference. This is the Aunt Bessie's Roast Turkey and Stuffing Thick Crinkle Cook Crisp. Now Aunt Bessie's is a brand of home foods in the UK. Yeah they do like frozen roasty stuff like Yorkshire's and Roast. That's what they're famous for is the frozen Yorkshire pies. Which are made of batter as well aren't they? They certainly are. I'm made of batter. So basically a toad in a hole is just a sausage in a Yorkshire pudding? Essentially yeah. Yeah essentially. What if I wrapped, this is what I was trying to get

Starting point is 02:00:57 at earlier. We're never going to get over this. What if I wrapped said sausage in bacon and then put it in a Yorkshire? That would be a pig in a blanket and a toad in a hole. Thank you very much. That's what I was trying to say. How many animals can we get into? Pig in a hole or toad in a blanket. Pig in a poke. But if you put a horse, a devil riding on a horseback in there as well.

Starting point is 02:01:16 You got, there's room for prune in there. A pig in a blanket and a toad in a hole on horseback. Yeah. There's too many. And the devil. There's too many characters going on in that for me for working now i'm gonna try this there's a rosemary note yeah on the nose i don't understand how these are different i mean they're they're bigger weirdly though they do taste more turkey and stuff in

Starting point is 02:01:36 here but it's also a very lighter flavor i'm getting i'm getting the smell of it has it more so than the other oh that's nice nice. Seabrooks are just nice. It's a nice salt level and it's a light crispy texture rather than a sort of deep crunch but yeah it's subtler. It's not as heavy and sweet or whatever and salty. I can have the whole bag of those. Yeah you can if you want. I'll tell you something else as well like again I think it's just the quality of Seabrooks but it tastes potato-y. Yes. Like you know you can actually get like a Seabrooks do are easily dominating all the other flavors and I'm I'm surprised because taste the difference should fucking hand

Starting point is 02:02:13 It's hanging its hand head and shame But did you prefer the Aunt Bessie's Seabrooks or the Seabrook Seabrooks? Rosemary forwards the But did you prefer the Aunt Bessie's Seabrooks or the Seabrooks Seabrooks? I'm literally just about to hell and I wanted the Seabrooks Seabrooks. Nice scientific mind and action. Get a bit more rosemary forward, the Seabrooks Seabrooks. Louis, how are you finding it? It just tastes of crisps to me. To be honest, I mean... It all starts as a taste of crisps after a while.

Starting point is 02:02:37 It's all crisps all the way down. Well, we've got Pig in Blankets to come. Yeah, that's in the Pig in Blankets. I think the Aunt Bessie's are marginally better. Right. It's a matter of margins, but matter of my is it a matter of amplitude It's it's and I'm making the amplitude for those at home fully. I'm making a round round. You love be la shape with your hands Rounding amplitude amplitude we put that chewed in amplitude. I did. Yeah, that's what I tell you what?

Starting point is 02:03:03 Seabrooks have killed this guy. They have I mean it's it's not even close it's like Seabrooks in a big gap and then everything else crazy I just don't know how other people get when Paul the second time that's happened today he's been on the source all day I haven't let me said not to and what have you ever listened to Mummy? Sundays. Okay, we have Pigs in a Blanket now and we've got Taste the Difference Pigs in a Blanket, Jumbo Pigs in a Blanket flavoured puffs by Sainsbury's and then Pigs in a Blanket by Crisp Factory called Big Night In. Oh I've never heard of them. Never heard of them. Let's start with those. Oh okay, just snatch it then. I think I'm just trying to speed it up for you in the edit. Yeah but there's a thing about like doing it and then being snatchy McBastard.

Starting point is 02:03:52 It smells of shit. Oh. In what respect is it shit like? Oh. Oh. Oh wow. You know what I mean? Perhaps you can articulate further why that is bad. like barbecue sauce sweet yeah, but like not good Chemically they are Really unpleasant I find this big night in breath just for people I'm he's the big night in pig in blankets There's an acrid sort of all this There's an acrid sort of flavour. Oh, this booze is fucking hell.

Starting point is 02:04:24 Isn't it, you know? Paul, try those. I will. There was no rush, is there? They're okay until you get to the aftertaste. The aftertaste is foul. It tastes like a burnt sausage. What the fuck is that?

Starting point is 02:04:35 You see what I mean, Paul? There's an upfront sort of offensiveness though, as well as the acrid aftertaste. My first impression on this was like ketchup or yeah prawn cocktail Yeah, that's that saucy. Yeah, vinegar. E almost. Hmm. That's really unpleasant. They're they're really bad Probably the worst crisp we've had so far Right next one. Oh dear. I don't like pig in blankets as a whole flavor profile because what are you getting with that pork and pork? Basically, oh, yeah, it's like a Pork and pork basically, aren't you? It's like sausage. Do you even try to pork though? Yeah, porky porks.

Starting point is 02:05:05 Depends what time. Hello! No. In memoriam. What did you say it was called? Memoriatum. Moratorium. Hello, I'm Mori Torium.

Starting point is 02:05:13 Stop it. Mori! Hey! Mori, how you doing? Hey, Mori Torium's here! Hey, it's over when he turns up! Hey! Jumbo pigs in blankets flavoured puffs by Sainsbury's Oh, these are puffs, are they?

Starting point is 02:05:29 These are puffs now Which is the puffed... is it maize? Corn? What is it? Corn? Yeah, puffed corn It smells a bit more porky Bit more pleasant, because those were sort of a... Well, they were more acidic and chemical, I don't know Oh, I don't like that

Starting point is 02:05:41 There's a smoke Oh, they're thick... oh, eeeh I don't know that. It's smoked. Oh, they're thick. Oh, ahhh. I don't know how I feel about that. Do you know what? I don't think the smell is that dissimilar from the other ones. It actually tastes like raw sausage, like raw before you cook it sausage. When have you eaten that? I've had a life. I've lived a very colourful life, Louis.

Starting point is 02:06:03 Right. I've lived a very colorful life, Louis. Right. Why would that... You're supposed to have raw uncooked sausage to be... Why would you eat raw uncooked sausage if you've led a life? I've led a life. That's all you need to know. Do you know what? What?

Starting point is 02:06:18 Those are Fransil's, but in what's-it form? And I really like them. Yeah. Okay. I'm not a big fan. They're horrendous, so you go for it. I really like these. Doesn't it taste like raw sausage meat though? No, they're not. I like these.

Starting point is 02:06:28 These have split the room. I never know what to think with him because he'll pull a face like he's eating a lemon and then go, Oh, what a lovely stack that is. I will be confused. They work for me. They work for me. These are good. They're crude, but they're powerful. There's something about them. The problem is, I have with frazzles,

Starting point is 02:06:45 is that artificial bacon flavour that's definitely in these as well. Yeah, for sure. It repeats on me. Oh. Like a metronome that will keep going, like a cesium clock till the end of time. The constant repetition of the burpy bacon burp, coming back like a fucking...

Starting point is 02:07:01 Yeah, metronome, I've done it. Stop! Stop this! Stop it! I'll tell you what. Stop stop stop it! I'll break them. I've got four of these now and there's pepperiness that is taking over. There's definitely a pepperiness. That's good they're good. Just a group of people talking about the pepperiness of the sausage just tickles me. This is the same Breeze taste of difference pigs in blanket flavoured crisps. The taste taste of difference last ones were fucking yeah I like fear this might be an anti climax to this reasonably successful black pepper there you go halfway down the I can guarantee you this is gonna

Starting point is 02:07:37 have white you all and coriander and nutmeg there's a lot of flavors going on in these there you go this is the final one, the taste is different, I'm going to give them a go. Pigs and blankets are they? Mmm, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not,

Starting point is 02:07:56 not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, Just like me for my fucking opinion. I don't I didn't say what your favorite crisp is. I said flavor of home to be fair Okay, so that's a crush Black pepper and whatever sea salt that one salt and black pepper. Yeah, I like the black pepper ones Louis Definitely cheese just cheese flavor Chris. Yeah, Jenner a general Profile of this is identical to the other two It's not the worst flavor., but at the same time.

Starting point is 02:08:29 No. You have to put these side by side, mate. They're similar. He's double bagging it, everyone. He's fucking fisting the bags into his face. No, they're very similar. They're just different intensities. They're different levels.

Starting point is 02:08:44 Taste of Difference has failed again. It's really poor! Oh that is so bad. Have you had one yet though? Yeah there's a staleness on the nose. There's like a real hit of sugar. It's really foul. Sainsbury's, go fuck yourself.

Starting point is 02:08:59 Yeah they've fallen off. I bought a steak for them. Mate, do you want me to edit that out in case you ever get a Sainsbury's advert? Yes please. Anytime soon. Just wanted to check in advance. Right Eli. What was your, who did your favourite pigs in blankets? Do you want to make a, go on what? Yeah just grim, just empty grim. That's really bad, that's the worst crisp we've had today. That's really awful. Anyway who did the best pigs in blanket? Sainsbury's Puffs. What do you think Louis?

Starting point is 02:09:23 Favourite? I think they're all rancid. Yeah No, I agree with you. We only have two things blankets. I'd rather eat a bowl of my own sick than any of those We are those fucking disgusting big man. They were nasty The puffs were easily the best of the pigs and blankets are offerings Blankets were as good as the turkey or something ones. I would say what the best turkey stuffing one They're seabrooks see you either one of them see Brooks, Sea Brooks, Sea Brooks, Sea Brooks, Sea Brooks, Louis just say Sea Brooks and we'll move on. Sure, sure, whatever you have. Yeah, Sea Brooks, Sea Brooks. Yay. Right, okay, good, right, I don't want no crisps no more, it's time

Starting point is 02:09:54 to give some presents out, ding-a-ling, oh Santa's come in his big red sleigh and there's never ever any held out, oh Santa come on and give me your sacks your great big bulging sacks. Oh, and then I'll pull your pants down and give you Excuse me. Yes Hello, Jared. I was um, I was just looking at the monitors Yes, I know I saw you singing and I have a very talented lip reader and you know near it. That's the important thing You know I saw you singing out of a very talented lip reader. But you didn't hear it, that's the important thing. You're not singing any smut, are you? No.

Starting point is 02:10:29 No, no, no, no, we made sure. We made sure that we weren't doing any smut. I was just singing a classic Christmas song by a lighthouse family. Ocean Palisade. You better not be lying to me. Why would we? It's fine. So is it, when we hired it was

Starting point is 02:10:45 it gonna be a private space I mean I mean is it private I don't know why the room is private yeah this is my pub all right it's just it's not a problem it's kind of like I don't feel like I just don't feel like we can relax and have a good time when we're nowhere being a veil relax it's not a problem at all but just make sure no more smut smut. Okay, thanks, Gerard. Look, I can assure you that there's no smut taking place in this. Excellent.

Starting point is 02:11:12 But remember, I'm watching. Okay, fine. Thank you, Mr. Gerard. Yeah, we're almost done now, anyway. Yeah, we're almost done. So we'll be out before you know it. Don't you worry. Thanks for coming in.

Starting point is 02:11:24 Thanks for coming in. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for coming in. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for coming in. God, he is scary. I don't like him. Did you see? He was rhythmically doing stuff with his pecs. Like, pom-pom-pom-pom-pom. I underline what he was saying.

Starting point is 02:11:35 Did you see in his hand though? He was crushing that glass, that bloody glass. He was crushing it. I was wondering what that was. He was bleeding out of his hand. Yeah, he was holding it. It's quite hard. Do you know if he's single? Uh, we can ask. I don't even think you want to even go near that. I think he might be a terrible year Feel like we're doing a bit and you're sort of talking about Next time he comes in we can we can give make an introduction, but he looks like a bit of a bruiser

Starting point is 02:12:03 I don't know. Yeah, that's my type. All right well So present time yeah It's fucking Jared he's got that threatened atmosphere fucking one edge She's on it's not legal that he watches us no I don't think just there I don't know. I tell Because he's sitting just there. I tell you what, why don't I put a little cloth over that camera so he can't see the stuff that's going on. No, that won't fucking set him off. How gives a fuck?

Starting point is 02:12:31 That would set him off. He fucking won't spot it. If he's looking at it all the time, he's going to know it's a bit of a concoction. He's trying to lip read your stupid jokes. He's lip reading you, Paul. He didn't know. I could have said it was saying anything. I could have said, oh, I was singing about Santa's Lodge.

Starting point is 02:12:44 I think you're taking... I could have said it was saying anything. I could have said I was singing about Santa's lodge Think what's happening is a lot of like the narrative of this has fallen into the real life So I'm just gonna do this now on I'm ranking off wanking off a man with both hands. Do you like what I see? It is glands. It is glands. Listen, let's get some presents out. Do you mean glands? Is that part of the penis? Let's all move on. That's something, isn't it? That's the glands, right? No, there's glandazazazaz.

Starting point is 02:13:23 No, but glands are inside your body. It's not the penis, no. I don't, it's not a gland. The penis is not a gland. Okay, Google, is the penis a gland? Ha ha ha ha. The penis is an external organ of the male reproductive system. It's made up of three parts, the root, the body, and the gland's penis. Yay!

Starting point is 02:13:43 That's G-L-A-N-S, that is's it, G-L-A-N-S. Yeah, G-L-A-N-S. You may also hear the glans penis referred to as the head or the tip of the penis. I've learned something new! Because it sounds like a nice Scottish place to go. Oh, I went to glans penis the other day. I genuinely think the worst thing for this podcast is you learning what glans are. He always uses that rhyme whenever he's talking about knobs anyway.

Starting point is 02:14:07 Well, I'm sorry for being unoriginal. Literally, generally, I'm sorry. Okay, thank you. Right, let's get some presents out. Did anyone hear that apology? That was a big deal. Right. Christmas wonderland at Woolworth's Many things to choose from, come and see Fraculmending problems with a plastic glue gun Fooly Nexus coffee maker, just your cup of tea

Starting point is 02:14:42 Take your pick from fame and hear a favourite name. This prize is worth recording from Sony. Woolworm prices, is it any wonder? At Christmas, Woolworm is the place to be. There's one bird puts the magic in Christmas, the swan. A swan Christmas tree. There's lots of them to choose from. And look at these. Swan decorations. Look, they're chatter proof. There's swan Christmas magic

Starting point is 02:15:14 for you. In fact, swan have Christmas. All wrapped up. Swan puts the magic in Christmas. Even the stockings. You'll be surprised what Andy Hampers offers to spread the cost of Christmas, there's so much to choose from. Extra cash to enjoy, fabulous prizes and a nice choice of gifts. Go on, bring operator now. Ask for Free Phone Andy Hampers to get your free agents pack. Right, it's presents time. So I'm going to do the guests first.

Starting point is 02:16:02 Presents time. Mr. Charming and Middle. Children's feasting and Jesus' wine. I'm gonna do the guests first. Presents time, mischievous in the middle, children's feasting and Jesus's wine, there's logs on the fire, and logs in my barn, too many spuds, and plop out they come, Silent night,

Starting point is 02:16:22 holy night, I've got a blue hooch. I just sat on an outside toilet. It was cold. I've got blue... Stop! This whole episode can't be us making failed jokes and everyone going, I'm sorry, have you not listened to the podcast for the past nine years? Excuse me, I'm in the podcast. I know, but you don't listen to the podcast. I know you don't listen to it.

Starting point is 02:16:44 Why? Because it's just been you going, Eli, as a cunt for several years. I know but you don't listen to the podcast. I know you don't listen to it Why? Because it's just been you going eladacant for several years. Yes, and you've not taken the fucking nudge whatever that means right? I've got presents Is this episode gonna end sometime? Never Give you your presents first. This is gonna give you all presents first first of all This is something I've had for a while. I just wanted to give you now that you're here, alright? So there you go, it's a bag of... Well, you can tell people what it is, what you think it is. It is a bag of ZX Spectrum games.

Starting point is 02:17:14 Yeah, there you go. They may all be awful or you may have them all, but right now they're your problem from this point on. Great, thank you. What types in it? You got Million millionaire, that looks fun. I've got Ghostbusters by Turbo Games. Yeah, and you like, I like how the cover of it. That's not the cover, that's like a, that's like a sci-fi novel cover. Well it's a knock-off isn't it, I mean it's in Italian so I don't even know what it is. Oh is it Italian? Did

Starting point is 02:17:37 that break your spectrum? I, I... That's a very personal question. My...my...my spectral's already broken. Do you use an emulate? I'm pulling my jumper at the collar, everyone! Why? It's a bit rude. Septum. I didn't even mean that as a rude thing, but... It's fine. Unfortunately.

Starting point is 02:17:59 I don't have a functional spectrum. Any of those, games come on what else is in there we got well you've got a millionaire by incentive never heard of it have you heard of it kind of you deal with a lot of those kind of retro computer oh no not anymore oh really it's all about the rats no it's not that I just I only really like interesting shit games. I don't really care about... Mediocre shit games? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:18:30 Well you don't know, it's got Curry's written on it. That might be fun. I don't know. No, I think that's the shop that sold it. I know what that means. Well I thought you thought it was like a Curry based computer game. Which would be fucking great. Anyway. Now I'm thinking of...

Starting point is 02:18:44 What? Something like... curry based video game space invaders what what what curry sounds like space invaders or Galaxian or I can't think of any Curries right now as well as a Boonah Boonah vindaloo vindaloo masala Madras any of these sound like computer games. I mean they do sound like computer games in and of themselves Yeah, but I tell we make them a pun? Uh, Popadom Man. Yeah, no, well done. Popadom Man is great. Nailed it. Carry invaders.

Starting point is 02:19:14 Dig Dog Popadom. I dunno, it's that kind of thing innit. But if you start thinking of fucking, like, pop songs based on Indian food, that's fucking great. Popadom Preach. Yeah, Chicken Tico, Living Dahl. Yes. Fucking great. Why can't I think of any computer games ones? Because we're not that well versed. Anyway, there's your first little present. Cheers. No, it's all trash but...

Starting point is 02:19:39 Thank you though. I mean I do already have, well I have already held all of them. But thank you. All right, here's another little present then. It's sort of the counts I guess. Yeah, exactly. I mean I do already have well I have already had all of them But thank you I got you a video games based mug It's got a great big joystick on the side for the handle the arcades around it and you can have tea or coffee I'm not partial not here to tell you how to live your life. It's that's a very big joystick It is well, I mean come on Shall we do every obvious gag we can do? Or should we let some of them slip?

Starting point is 02:20:09 Is it big? I mean, what's the question? That's the question, isn't it, Eli? How is that big? It kind of depends. I've not really... Are you saying the proportion of the knob bit at the end? Yeah, I don't think... The glands. I'm not really... I'm not an expert in joysticks if I'm honest yeah

Starting point is 02:20:25 but it does seem out of proportion it doesn't look like a proportionally accurate joystick I think as operating as a handle joystick size in a very sort of modest way and I mean it's what you do with it it's what you do with it that counts that's what mother told me I think that's gonna be hell to dishwash yeah probably well have you got a dishwasher I'll probably just I'll put it somewhere around yeah put it in pens and stuff yeah put a little plushie doll in it's coming out saying hello I'm a wacky person right and your final present is something a little bit different but I thought I'd get this for

Starting point is 02:21:01 you it's a Christmas surprise ball yeah Oh yeah. I don't know what's in it though so we can discover this now. It's got four festive surprises. But what surprise? One is a Christmas tree, one is a snowball, one is a yule log, one is a... What's all that? I'm trying to name Christmas things. You know, but you were sounding like Rain Man! Yeah.

Starting point is 02:21:29 What the fuck? I shouldn't drink at this time of the day, mate. We're day drinking everybody. I know the fiction of this story is it's night time, but it's day time. Well, night time now. It's dark. We could just surrender the fiction of this story, I think, at this point. Well, no, because's tripper has to come

Starting point is 02:21:45 Oh, yeah, yeah, and Eli may want to do Oh, you're right to a huge conclusion, right? Unwrap it get the ball out get all your ball out Never a Christmas edition. No Mini toys and stuff. I presume so I don't know. It wasn't segmented. Okay, it's a little what's whatever This is I think that's supposed to be a reindeer. Oh What is it supposed to you could put on the tree? Oh, yeah, look it's a squish thing Oh, it's a tree ornament. I think it was a top of a Christmas tree. It's a little tree topper.

Starting point is 02:22:25 That's a sad tree with that on top isn't it? Well I don't know. We need a little bit of love this Christmas don't they? Don't need to hear about your glands Paul. You do and you'll fucking be hearing non-stop about my glands pubis next year. Oh it's a bouncy ball? Yeah with Santa on it though. Well that's Christmas.

Starting point is 02:22:42 That's makes it Christmas. That's relatively festive yeah. Can you bounce it over? Oh, Eli likes bouncy balls. Oh! Oh! That's gone. Nah, don't fuck it, forget it.

Starting point is 02:22:51 It's alright, it's only a bouncy ball, Mr Silverman. I like a bouncy ball. We'll get you a bouncy ball later. A sort of weird squishy... A squishy guy. I've seen those before. I think it's supposed to be Santa, but as a squishy guy. If it was like a tiny voodoo totem.

Starting point is 02:23:05 What is that for? It looks like a power ranger. It's not even one of those ones that you throw at the wall and it goes down. This is a pig. What's that got to do with Christmas? Put it in a blanket. Put it in a blanket.

Starting point is 02:23:16 Pigs in blankets. Hey, everybody, quiet down or the Christmas pig won't come. What's that all about? It's like really what's in it? Yeah they ran out of Christmas stuff I knew they would. Ernie had four things! I knew they would. They ran out of Christmas things I'll tell you. I ran out after two. Look it's all ruffly rubbed. It's a squishy pig face. Oh no it's supposed to be a reindeer! Oh, if that... Oh my word! It's like the world's most despondent reindeer.

Starting point is 02:23:49 I think they've painted a big red nose on a Percy pig toy. That's what it looks like. Look, aren't the ears antler-like? They're a little bit... Serrated. ...crimped. Yeah, not like a pig's ear. Anyway, there's your Christmas presents from Cheap Show, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 02:24:06 Thank you. Ethan, here's your presents. First one is this. Thank you very much. This is from both of us. Oh, bless you. Some 80s movie badges. Yay! What have we got here? We've got E.T., the extraterrestrial.

Starting point is 02:24:18 We've got Robocop. Robocop. We've got Slimer. And we've got a Gremlin. You've got loads of 80s iconography on little And it's in the middle, whoever made these. Yeah. At Bill McConkey, who is available on what looks like Tumblr and Instagram. Well, there you go.

Starting point is 02:24:35 Tumblr's a funny place, isn't it? Tumblr-y man. Oh, thank you very much. He's a pretty nice guy. Apparently, it used to be hardcore porn Tumblr. Did it? Yeah. But that was where they got the porn, yeah.

Starting point is 02:24:44 And then they stopped. The badges themselves went wrong. Oh, because they wanted to be hardcore porn Tumblr. Did it? That was where they got the porn, yeah. The badges themselves, what went wrong? Oh, because they wanted to be publicly traded. Oh, was that like when OnlyFans said, actually we're not going to worry about being... Can't you do porn on OnlyFans anymore? Oh, you can, because they pulled that back right quick and they were like, oh, we realised we're not going to make any fucking money. We don't have any porn on there.

Starting point is 02:25:02 Didn't they realise that was the main thing? It took them too long to realize that. Weird, isn't it? These badges are really nice though, they're sort of animated cartoony style. They're quite sweet actually, I like them a lot. Can I have a look at those? Yeah, sure. Here's your next present, and I've got you a mug too.

Starting point is 02:25:19 Oh those are nice. Oh it's a mug! It's a mug and tool set. The tool set is a credit card tool and a bottle opener. They're quite useful. Yeah, they're quite useful. Even I have one. Yeah, I like it actually.

Starting point is 02:25:31 It's a nice, sticky mug. Comes with a nice ceramic mug as well. Old-fashioned service, The Gentleman's. Why would you say that? Oh, I don't know. But it sounds absolutely filthy. It looks like there's something underneath, but it's kind of artfully kind of... Nah, fuck it.

Starting point is 02:25:44 Oh, it's like an old-school mug. A retro mug. This is wide but it's kind of artfully kind of... Nah, fuck it. It's like an old school mug, a retro mug. This is wide, it's wide of brim. Yes, wide of brim. Yes. And you can have a cup of tea in that, a coffee, even a cold drink if you fancied it. These badges have got all of your characters at the top and they're behind a table very much in the style of... The Last Supper by Michelangelo. Da Vinci, Da Vinci. No, Da Vinci.

Starting point is 02:26:06 No, Da Vinci said he was going to do it. Never got round to it. And then Michael Jackson painted it years later. Oh, Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson painted it. Hee hee hee hee. All right. So then your final present for this is a little book we got. Yeah, because you're an actor. It's Voice and the Actor.

Starting point is 02:26:23 You've been doing voice stuff as well. I have by Cicely Berry. Yep, and so now you can maybe learn a little bit from the actor's method. She's a voice director of the Royal Shakespeare Company. Ooh. Trained at Central School of Speech and Drama, a place that I auditioned for and didn't get in.

Starting point is 02:26:39 So did I, so did I. Room full of failures. Including David Warner, Richard Chamberlain, Maggie Smith, Dave Clark, Sean Connery, Topol, Peter Finch, Bernard Marsden, Terence Stamp. He's still knocking about. He is. And he's left the price on, that was nice. I saw Terence Stamp in real life. Alright. I've seen a lot of people in real life. Any anecdote on the back of that? No, he's just getting on a tube. Fucking awful stories. That's usually when you see someone famous. Awful

Starting point is 02:27:07 fucking stories aren't they? It's not a story, it's real. But it's a boring story. Why does everything have to be a narrative? Because life is a narrative. No it's not. We impose narrative and we can't deal with the lack of meaning. But in fact there is no meaning Paul. There is no meaning. Day to day, moment to moment, there's no meaning, is there? There's just being. I was just being on a tube, Terence Stamp just got on,

Starting point is 02:27:31 and I thought, oh, that's Terence Stamp, that is. That's a story! It's not a story! And we all lived happily ever after! Right, fucking great. There's some pictures in here. Yeah. Including, I imagine they're sort of going for

Starting point is 02:27:42 sort of like a diagram thing. Yeah. But it's Cicely Barry with the actress, Lynn Durth, showing some techniques. Lynn Durth is wearing a leotard and has the pointiest breasts I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh, mate, you can't say that and not show me. You've woken up granddad.

Starting point is 02:27:59 Look at that. Look at that. That's a... It's like, literally like triangles. It's quite pointy. It's like Lara style at the time. I'm guessing the bra shapes are... Yeah, it must be. What is this? The curve of the small of the back resulting in bad posture.

Starting point is 02:28:20 That's what they're always... ... with actress Lynn Dirth, showing the back long and straight and the head lengthening. Grip a plum between your butt cheeks, that's how you do it. Could well be, but I'm going to find out when I read the book. Pretend you're gripping a plum between your bum cheeks. Free position on the floor, the flat is back and spread and knees are cocked up. And when I say gripping I just mean just holding it quite tenderly and not squishing it. So there's lots of things in here, there's lots of stretching.

Starting point is 02:28:45 Yeah. Why do you gotta stretch just to say words? It's very important. It's very, that's why we fucked up that recording, because you didn't warm your voice up. No, fuck off. The posture when you're actually performing is very important, but it's especially important to sing. I learnt this from my years of amateur... Paul!

Starting point is 02:29:00 What? His Christmas party! You fucked me right off. That's what it comes down to. From the years of my amateur musical theatre. I want to bring a little bit of joy to this. I'm going to read a bit of this book because it's a poem. Ode to the West Wind.

Starting point is 02:29:13 O wild West Wind, thou breath of autumn's being. Thou from those unseen presents, the leaves dead. How dare you? The driven like ghosts on an enchanter's fleeing. Yellow, black, pale and hectic red. Pestilent stricken multitudes, oh thou, who charioteest of the death of wintery bread. What's that word? Charioteest. Charioteest. Hey, I'm charioteest. Stop it. I'm doing a serious poem. The winged seeds where they lie cold and low.

Starting point is 02:29:42 I tell you what. Each like corpse within its grave, until thine as all sister of the spirit shall blow. Sometimes it flies across the other side of the room, that's winged seed. Huh? Huh? I'm still trying, Paul. Proud, a heavy weight of hours have chained and bowed, and two like thee, tameless, swift and proud.

Starting point is 02:30:01 That sounds like a good poem to practice speaking with. Yeah, it certainly does. Yeah, so that's your presence Actually really really thrilled with this. I might actually learn something Well, I hope so too because they were all of this stuff was bought from charity shops I think she's quite a famous voice coach. I mean Royal Shakespeare Company's not nothing No, right and now I'm gonna give Eli his presence and everything Then I got Eli comes in this box so Merry Christmas Eli

Starting point is 02:30:25 The box is my best thing man. Well good I like this. Alright good. And I will fill it with records. There you go I've got I got him a little red yellow little red box. Little red yellow red of singles. What else did I get you? Norman Clitcher of Carlos playing cards. So it's a pack of playing cards I got them. These are great. Are you happy with them? I'm going to open them. They've got a band on. I might save the band. Yeah save it. Mint in box. You don't want to ruin your band. These are the colour. Oh look at those. They're gorgeous. They are pretty aren't they? This is a pack of playing cards, standard playing cards. But all of the different cards are different colors and they have the name as well as the suit and rank of the card

Starting point is 02:31:11 They have the name on the side. So this is for example heliotrope purple Oh, very nice for heliotrope for those things where you see So thank you hello, I'm Zoetrope. Get it out the way, move on. Zoetrope is actually quite good because you can be associated with different tropes. If I'm not mistaken, it looks like it covers basically the infrared spectrum in order. It sort of looks like it goes through the rainbows. They're really, really pretty.

Starting point is 02:31:41 They're nice cards. Oh, what's that? What does that say something purple Dracula's purple it's really hard to see that Dracula's purple or a killer or a killer purple did it it it did it did it it it it it it oh thank you very much that's the gag what else isn't it, I feel guilty about my presents now. That happens every fucking year. Like that year I got you a massive Rubik's Cube maze thing

Starting point is 02:32:09 and you got me biscuits. All that year, you know. People like biscuits. No, but I don't for Christmas presents. That's the subtle thing. Asper's Casino key ring. That's broken, but. Well, you can put it on a chain somehow.

Starting point is 02:32:21 This is the Ace of Spades. It's a bottle opener as well. Yeah, it is. Yeah, that's a nice thing. Thank you. Right so I got your cards and that and then what else did I get you? I got you that didn't I because you were going to get it at Forbidden Planet. And then I decided not to. And then you said not to and I thought I'll get it. This is a Sesame Street mystery bag figurine and I'm really hoping I don't get Abby or Elmo as well. Who are you gonna get though? That's the question. I want Oscar the Grouch. Yeah? That's who I identified with as a child. And Cookie Monster. Because you both live in a bin. Cookie Monster's not involved. No because he's been

Starting point is 02:32:59 seen as a... I'll be happy with Big Bird, Ernie, Bert, the Count, there's no Snuffleuficus. I bet one of these mystery ones is Snuffleuficus. No, he's still got this isn't he? You just can't see him, only Big Bird can Ernie, Bert, the Count. There's no Snuffleuficus. I bet one of these mystery ones is Snuffleuficus. No, it's still full of misses, isn't it? You just can't see them. Only Big Bird can see them in the bag. Come on, mate, that's a good gag. Thank you very much. Right, open it up and show me the toy.

Starting point is 02:33:13 Open it up and show me the toy. Open the toy, open the toy. Have you looked in there? No, I haven't opened it. It's just a little damaged. It's Big Bird. Who is it? It's fucking Off To The Ground!

Starting point is 02:33:24 Yay! What are the odds? Thank you. Yay! It's Big Bird. Who is it? It's fucking Oscar the Grouch! YAY! What are the odds? Thank you. YAY! Oscar the Grouch. I love Oscar the Grouch. Well I'm glad that ended up being him. He, my dad who is a psychoanalyst, used him to help with his patients.

Starting point is 02:33:38 As a sort of metaphorical depressed person. I don't think I'd want that if I went to see a psychoanalyst. You're like Oscar the Grouch. It'd pay me 70 quid an hour. You're like that man who lives in a bin and hates everyone. Yeah, thank you. But a lot of us are like that. Yes. Gotta ask for, were they random or were you able to actually pick up one of them? No, random. Well, well, it's a Christmas miracle. Yes. What happened was he bought one and then he put it back because he didn't want it and I grabbed the one next to it.

Starting point is 02:34:04 I couldn't justify that. It was six quidle well I've been hanging that in my room anyway there's that's it oh that's really nice it's said that to be asking the grouch that's actually asked heart one my heart's growing three sizes so what's gonna happen next is everything Eli gives me for Christmas is gonna be a deeply underwhelming exercise in despair and disappointment well we don't know that don't write him off straight away, come on, it's Christmas. What's this? Paul, Happy Christmas 2024. What's that? Is that a squiggle? It says love Eli. Oh, that's actually nice then. Oh, what's the card of? It's got Mickey Mouse on it. Oh it is Mickey Mouse. It's Edwin Paolozzi, you know that guy who did Tottenham Court Road Station, he did all sorts of stuff in in London yeah and he's done artwork on the tube what's this museum for cunts that's what it says

Starting point is 02:34:48 cunts am i lying no it's in German to be fair with a K say it say it no it's in German say it say the German word art and content fuck and fucking cunts I think I don't think it's cunts. It is it's the museum for cunts Eduardo Palazzi, yeah Palazzi And this is the silken world of Michelangelo or the Siri moon strips on pirate news 1967 yeah, it's like pop art. He was part of the pop art put that on me board I will watch in here. We've got, I will. What's in here? We've got, look. I wrapped it as well in a kebab wrapper.

Starting point is 02:35:30 And he's done a magic trick with it, where he threw an invisible ball up into the air and caught it. What's this? This is an ashtray. It's a nice one though. It's a nice little ceramic ashtray. What does it say in the middle? Dreamer.

Starting point is 02:35:43 No. In memory of Sam It's weird, isn't it? It's a weird astray Let me explain let me explain Inside the well of the ashtray There is a drawing in some speech and there's the drawing of a man leaning upon a tree and he looks Like he's in a top part and I'll just show you it. Have you go. Have a look at that. Yeah that's I don't know what's happening.

Starting point is 02:36:07 I don't know what's happening. All right there's that. Then underneath it says dreamer I dreamed that I died and to heaven did go I rang the bell gaily and bowed very low I said I'm from Washington and how they did stare come right in said Peter you're the first one from there. It's one of those polite jokes, isn't it? Like from Family Guy. It feels like someone stole this from the New Yorker magazine. They just slapped it on an ashtray.

Starting point is 02:36:31 There you go, mate. It's a cute little thing, though. I do like it. It's double fag. You can put fag fern, cigarette there, fag fag, cigarettes there. So that means it's like a dating ashtray. You can share cigarettes. Well, also, you can tell how amusing. She wants to hear this amusing story that's written a dating ashtray. You can share cigarettes as like, oh la la. Oh, well also, you can say, oh, how amusing.

Starting point is 02:36:46 She wants to hear this amusing story that's written on the bottom of this. And the first one from there, because Washington's such an awful place. Such a dreary place. No one goes to heaven. Do you want to have sex with me now? Do you want to? Do you want to now? Have I warmed you up?

Starting point is 02:37:00 Have you? You've juiced me up, and I will take the offering of sex. So I use the ashtray? Yes, use the ashtray for sex. Come on, Eli. I try to. Every year I try to come on Eli. Oh dear.

Starting point is 02:37:09 And yet the pink stink don't link. Then he got... Look, he quite liked that compared to... You stop looking at my press. Oh, what's this? The Cube. Keep the secret. Keep the secret.

Starting point is 02:37:23 It's a little book. Spread the word but keep the secret. It's a little book. Spread the word but keep the secret. The Cube is an imagination game and more that holds a secret that you dared not to reveal. Last seen making the rounds in the coffee houses of Eastern Europe, the Cube is rumoured to be one of ancient Shufri's origins, but no one really knows for sure. The mystery game just seems to reappear as and when is needed. What Shufri's origins? Now it is here. I don't know, I'm reading words that I can't understand.

Starting point is 02:37:48 That was like a Shufri's oranges. Shufni Gubbage. Shufri's oranges? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, inside these pages the game was revealed along with intriguing stories of others who have played the cube such as glorious Steinman William the Willem Dafoe Erica Jong and Judy Collins. Don't be square get cubes. It's weird, isn't it? It's like a puzzle book and I think the whole thing is a puzzle It's like it seems to be like full of poems and word clues, but yeah, but they're clues. I don't know

Starting point is 02:38:22 I just thought it was a little thing Let me we might do it in more detail on the podcast but the intro just says it's dedicated to someone for Big Jock that's literally what it says Big Jock I happen to know Big Jock I had a Big Jock it's been very exaggerated right 1995 originally came out the cube is a little guy Big J, massive cock, but just a tiny body. It's disgusting. Willem Dafoe is supposed to have a big hog. Is he?

Starting point is 02:38:52 You've seen it in films. But it's not a stunt hog, it's a big hog. It's a big hog, it didn't get a stand in. No, you've got to stand on though. You would if you trailed it around. Look anyway, The Cube is an imagination game and more. In the summer of 1991, when playing it was suddenly the rage in the coffee house of Eastern Europe,

Starting point is 02:39:10 where did it come from? No one knows. Something the cube may be. We've said that off the back. What the fuck is it? The warning on page 17 of this book protects the power of the cube like a genie in a bottle. If you open it at the right time,

Starting point is 02:39:21 you receive rich gifts of insight and surprise. But open it too soon, and the power flies away for maximum fun and enlightenment Do not read past page 17 until you have played the game do not reveal the secret and then Like a sort of self-help II thing as well, you know I thought it was like the secret you're that shit fucking but it's I don't know what it is I just think it's quite fascinating. So I don't understand if you just quickly spin through it It's like just a bunch of text. Yeah, and a lot of it looks like it's in in pro in This would be interesting for you to explore in your spare time and report back

Starting point is 02:39:52 I think this is this is this is what's not happening here. This has got winky and there's one last pamphlet for you Paul Magic and illusion Mike Michael Sims a Shia book. Yeah. Oh look at him. He's he's a proper magician He looks like a little a quick see book. Oh look at him! He's a proper magician. He looks like a white tuxedo. Yeah. White tuxedo, black bow tie. That is not a guy I would trust in a dark alley. Right. Oh there's a lot of antique magic tricks in. Oh cool. A little history of magic. Which I know that you're kind of fascinating. I do love magic, the history of magic specifically. So that would be a nice thing for you to put in the bog and look through them. Some performers I like that one. I tell you what, Paul, I think you should pop your words in a bowl and eat them up.

Starting point is 02:40:28 I think Eli's done really well here. He's done better than usual, I'll say that for him. Because usually he just tosses a lot of them. Put your words in a bowl and eat them. There's Paul McDaniels. Hey, Paul Daniels! Not a lot! Is Debbie there?

Starting point is 02:40:39 Yeah, she's squishing his head in the TV set. Thank God Debbie's there. Yeah, without a lot. The power behind the throne. The power behind the game of Dennis yeah the Cup and Balls trip the oldest one of the oldest in the world lovely antique set he's got isn't it's really nice actually I really do you know what I'll give it my full perusal in full time right because that was joyous right let's get dancing is it stripper time no because I said the email because that fucking Jared comes by and sees that. You sent an email saying what?

Starting point is 02:41:09 To cancel it. He's been texting me. Has he? Yeah. Well listen I'm gonna have to get on the phone and have a chat with him I'm just gonna put the music on while I have a bit of a dance and a boogie for a bit Alright, come on. Let's get dancing If you imagined Christmas with a computer would be like a visit to the Glum family, you should visit the Glads and see their Commodore Amiga 500, which does arcade quality games. They can compose a symphony, plan a new garden. The Amiga could make all the difference to a child's education.

Starting point is 02:41:46 So don't imagine your Christmas with a computer would be glum. Because happily you can buy a Commodore Amiga 500. For details call 01873 9800. You'll be glad you did. Chris, I've got to get out of the house. I'm going mad. But I don't know where to go. Call Christmas Line on 484 8484 to find out what's open.

Starting point is 02:42:08 What, places of interest? Yes, they can tell you what's open from leisure to locksmiths, food stores to pharmacies. Or you can call them simply for a chat. Oh, brilliant. Chris? Chris, what's, uh, what's Christmas Line's number again? Still want to get out of the house? No, back into the house I've locked myself out.

Starting point is 02:42:27 Christmas line, call 484-8484. Shop nine till eight, shopping's great. If you shop around the clock, walk around this Christmas time. So much more to fill your sock. Shopping in Leicester is the best there's ever been. Music fun and Christmas lights that must be seen in Leicester. Right, calm down everyone. Oh, oh the sweet irony. Of what?

Starting point is 02:43:01 Because the vibes gone right through the floor. You ruined the vibe. You know, I haven't. Of what? Because the vibes gone right through the floor. You ruined the vibe. You knew it. I haven't. You didn't do the dance that I wanted you to do a minute ago. When were we dancing? He's getting these texts. He's on his way.

Starting point is 02:43:12 Who is? Sexy Santa. I sent the email. Hang on. Let me check my phone. I sent the phone. Hang on. I think he's got a kind of attitude where as soon as you hire him for a job he has to

Starting point is 02:43:23 see it through. It didn't send. It didn't send. It's like a team or something he has to it's the he's got a mission and once he gets a job you want that thing go at the beginning of the 18th that's a Mike Post composition, in 1965 a group of commandos once were arrested. But at the end of that speech bit, doesn't he say, if you've got a problem. And if no one else can help. And if you can find them, maybe you can hire the 18th.

Starting point is 02:43:53 Well, that's what it's... Da da da! That's what the sexy Santa, that's his attitude towards strip jobs. Hopefully he won't turn up, because I don't want Jared coming in. We've got a fucking male stripper. Right, so because you turned up late, Louie, you've got to do the Christmas trivia quiz.

Starting point is 02:44:09 Ethan got five. I got five. Eli got two. One or two. And I got three. You have to try and beat that, alright? Right. Okay.

Starting point is 02:44:19 And there's a maximum of five questions. Right, you're going to have five questions, right. Which Christmas carol includes the line, joyful and triumphant? Come are you faithful? Oh God, Louis gone. I'm so knackered it's not in the title. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe back to your previous conversation, they are shit. Yes. You arrived late for that conversation where we discussed this. Well, throwback to your previous conversation, they are shit. But what was Joseph?

Starting point is 02:44:50 What was Joseph? He was a carpenter. He was a wood lad. Right, now here's the card one. Now here's the R one. Here's the R one. What three gifts did the Wise Men bring to baby Jesus? Oh, so difficult.

Starting point is 02:45:02 These are crap, these questions. A PlayStation 5. Yes, and two. He's asking me to open the virus game don't tell him to fuck off the back don't tell him to come in at all no I don't want to be here now now what he's saying makes sense if he comes to enjoy our season then it's not fucking turfed out Baby comes around the bathroom. Maybe just about my way with it. It's a mother No one's here for a strip tease There's no one here that wants a strip tease from fat ugly Santa

Starting point is 02:45:44 What you do cheeky? There's no one here that wants a striptease from Fat Ugly Santa. Hey! What are you doing? What are you doing, you cheeky? I can see your one. Look, there's been a mistake again. Hey, how do you like my asshole? I don't want to see your asshole, mate. Oh, mate, don't be insulting. You've hired me to do this job.

Starting point is 02:45:57 Did he tell you about my attitude? I know. He's RV, like the A-Team, I'm like that. I do it fucking fully waxed up butt. Why is it waxed up? So everyone can have access. I know it's been a bit complicated. So who's going who's getting in there on his action? No one's getting any action. I have fucking worked so hard on my on my appearance. Give Paul a dance. I live in my car! I don't want to dance with him! Give Polar Dance! You live in your car? That's tragic! That is tragic I know but this is one thing in my life that I enjoy doing, preparing my body for a performance.

Starting point is 02:46:34 Polar, let him give you a dance! No it's not appropriate, we've got the cameras on, he'll come in any minute. I don't want this guy taking his clothes off and showing me his waxed bumhole. Come on! Alright, a little one. Look at the hog! It's a Christmas hog. It's that sort of hog. Fucking reindeer. This is a pig with a fucking pair of antlers on. That's a tiny pig in blanket mate if you ask me. Hey. Pigs in blanket. Did you hire me? Piglet in a toilet. Where's the other lad? What other lad? Eli's popped out apparently. Where's the other lad? Well he said you wanted the full works. Alright, well just do, if I put the music on now. What's the other guy? What other guy?

Starting point is 02:47:06 You know, the big boss man who's gonna sort of subdue me and fuck you with my arsehole. There's no big boss man who's gonna subdue you! There's none of that going on. Just give me a little bit of a lap dance right now and then fuck off out, alright? That's all we need from you. Torre Molinos! Oh God. Torre Molinos.

Starting point is 02:47:21 Don't say Torre Molinos mate, that's fucking grim. Torre Molinos. Don't say Tori Malinos mate? That's fucking grim. Tori Malinos. What do you say Tori Malinos? We need the other guy to stop this from happening. They need to drop your trousers right now. That's fine. Don't worry about it. Oh come on. What is going on here? Oh quick put your pants on.

Starting point is 02:47:41 This is the guy. So we do the... yeah. Winky, winky. Do the double. No it's not him. We do the double. It's not him! We do the double. He's not the double! He's the Dom, is he? He's not the Dom! I will have silence! Oh shit.

Starting point is 02:47:53 Paul! He's good. I was promised James A. Castor! What is going on? He's just outside, let me go get him. No, you will stay right here! You will stay right here! I'm talking to you, Paul! I'm talking to you! Let me go get it. No, you will stay right here. You stay right here

Starting point is 02:48:11 I'm talking to you. All right, I'm gonna go back to my car cuz I Did you like me in the Ghostbusters film I was in that Too painful even for me That's you in a wig I can tell James a cast a wig do you like my off the menu podcast Am I needed here because I could do Call Mike here. Just put your cock away me I'm going to tell you what will happen now. No, no, I put the pants back on the one two three four five of you Yeah, wait one three, four, five of you... Yeah! Wait, one, two, three, four of us?

Starting point is 02:48:48 You've counted yourself twice as a character. No, I'm talking about Eli who's in the building. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did count it right. Don't question me. I'm a lad. It's not what you think. Here he is now. No, don't get your cock out. Don't. Put it away.

Starting point is 02:49:04 Don't, he's gonna get mad stop stop it stop it oh he's falling over his pants are falling down all of you out, it is... It's exactly what I think, there's a man with his Johnson out! Get yourselves gone! And you are no longer welcome in the Spothan Pickle! Music Can you press stop please? I am now pressing stop to end this year's Christmas party podcast. This is the end of the podcast. Merry Christmas everybody.

Starting point is 02:50:40 Merry Christmas. Welcome to you. Welcome to Louis. Welcome to me. Merry Christmas. Welcome to me for being an amazing youth. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas! Welcome to you, welcome to Louie, welcome to me, welcome to all, welcome to me for being an amazing new Christmas, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Starting point is 02:50:54 Bye! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! There's a doorbell. Oh, get it. Get up the tree.

CheapShow - Ep 415: The 6th Annual Office Christmas Party

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