CheapShow - Ep 418: Congas, Crocs & Wallys

Starting point is 00:00:00 Well, it's a new year, Mr. Silverman, and we're back in the Cheap Show car, driving down the podcast highway, podcast highway with a boot full of tat. And we're going to spread our tat all over the fall over the four legs. Why are you doing a wanky? Is tat synonymous with spunk now in this world? Hasn't it always been with us? No, tat is tat and spunk is spunk and never the twang. Spunk is spunk. I want my baby back. Tat is tat.

Starting point is 00:00:26 Oh yeah, that's better. I want my seagull back. I've spunked in your mouth. Hehehehehehehehe. See, it is synonymous. Anyway, I've got something to say, Paul. Slopnominous. I've got something to say this week.

Starting point is 00:00:39 Have ya? I'm sick. Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go, Eli's ill, he's always poorly, he's never fit to record, oh he's boring, what a porker. Now, perhaps the listeners can help us with this Paul, because it's your contention that the percentage of episodes of the whole podcast going back years in time, Paul, that I am either A. hungover or B. poorly wooed, sick, is over 70%. I would say so. I would say the number of episodes that begin or at least feature you going, I'm not in

Starting point is 00:01:18 a mood for this, is probably quite high. No, that's a different thing. I'm never in the fucking mood. No, I'm never in the fucking mood. Fuck you! That's it! Fuck this! Jobble, jobble, jobble, jobble, jobble! Why jobble? I'm getting it off the back of the truck and jobble. Are you doing a wank sting again? I don't know why! I don't know why I'm doing it!

Starting point is 00:01:35 There'll be enough spunk talk coming up later in the episode. Oh, that's a good point actually, because this week, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, ladies and gals and jelly spoons, we're doing a platter spectacular... Sorry, say ladies spoons and jelly spoons again girls, ladies and jelly spoons, we're doing a platter spectacular. What? Say ladies spoons and jelly spoons again. Ladles and jelly spoons. You went ladles, you said lasenbees. Because I'm excited.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Like James Bond. Because we're doing- The forgotten Bond. What? George Lazenby. George ladle spoons. Yeah. Mine-

Starting point is 00:01:57 That's why it was the worst Bond. On her majesty's secret spunk-spunksis. Mate, you could- the obvious one there is on a majesty secret cervix I like Spunk's is Metal band hello Cleveland we are Spunk's is I went Don't ask anything of me and I won't produce Don't ask anything of me and I won't produce. Ain't that the fucking truth?

Starting point is 00:02:26 Ain't that the fucking truth? Anyway, the point is that this week is a splatter spectacular. Splatter spectacular. We have got six vinyl charity shop discoveries to offer to your ears today and we're going to choose if they're a splatter or a platter. We will both be discerning whether we like them or not plus B-sides. Plus the B-sides if necessary when the A-sides are lacking. Which they are.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Which they usually are. At least two of these, one of your choices and one of mine. The B-sides are much stronger tunes. Yes. So, hey, it's Cheap Show, it's the new year, let's get cracking, we can't wait. Welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast. And I'm sick everyone, just let you know I am sick. Fucking hell. And also you absolutely ruined momentum.

Starting point is 00:03:08 I did that on purpose. Yeah, I know. Press the buttons, mate. Now it's awkward. No, it's not awkward. Now it's awkward. Now there's no flow. I can sit in silence with you and our listeners.

Starting point is 00:03:16 Like a strangled wombo by a riverside. There is no oranocle flow. Oranoco flow. Wow. Like a strangled wombo! No one needs to think of this! Strangled dead Womble! You're destroying childhoods! A strangled dead Womble by the riverside! No! Found! No, found by the canal! Poor Uncle Orinoco!

Starting point is 00:03:37 Orinoco's Flow No Go! I think Orinoco's on the blob! You know what? Get time packs for Orinoco! Welcome the blob. Like, you know what? Get time packs for Orinoco. Welcome to Cheap Show. Press the fucking credits. Welcome to Jeep Show. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney, Chodney Borough. I hate you.

Starting point is 00:04:16 You're fucking me with a posse. Jeep Show tonight. What? What? So, it's not Silvermans platters because I'm only half of the equation when it comes to producing platters for us to think of today. So it's a platter spectacular. You've got three, I've got three. We need to give it a new name when there's both of us. Like maybe we should call it Cheap Show tracks or... No, don't say tracks because you're going to wake him up. We'll mention that in a minute actually because I've got something for him this week. Might help

Starting point is 00:05:03 him out. I haven't even been in that room. We haven't needed been in that room. We haven't needed to for months. But you know if we do a whole episode that's just about tracks it's gonna... Yeah but it's fine. I've already come prepared for this fact. He's connected to the... What do we call it? Do we call it the Paul's Platters and Eli and Silverman's Platters?

Starting point is 00:05:20 Paul and Silverman's Platters? Discs of Ganon Silves. I'm glad you found that amusing because I'm more befuddled. What about Ganon's shitty record shop? What about this? P and E's V. Penis envy. No, isn't that psychologically interesting? I don't have that.

Starting point is 00:05:39 You're cupping it and I'm lashing it out. You always cup and protect, I've noticed that. You cup and protect when we talk. And you lash it out. And I'm lashing it out. You always cup and protect, I've noticed that. You cup and protect when we talk. And you lash it out. And I'm lashing it out. Everyone doesn't need this. Oh, I'm very warm. Anyway, Cheap Show is the economy comedy podcast

Starting point is 00:05:53 where Eli and I go through bargain-winds, charity shops and thrift stores to find some treasure amongst that trash. And again, it's a record music-flavoured episode this week. Often we do find charity shop items which are records, a couple of very obscure things, so for fans of obscure 80s based novelty records, oh boy do we have a treat. Oh boy howdy. Oh boy we've got a bag of tricks. Yeah we're not going to do the obvious stuff on this show, we're going deep into the murky depths

Starting point is 00:06:21 of the forgotten musical releases from the heydays and we've got quite a few. Much like Paul, if I may, much like an elderly prostitute working in Nevada, a bag of tricks. Why Nevada? It's legal there, that's why, because I don't want to denigrate anyone. Oh, you can say sex worker. Yes, like an elderly sex worker working totally legally in Nevada, no drugs, dick check before you go in. Yeah. We've got a bag of tricks, which is in their case...

Starting point is 00:06:49 You could have said a magician though. No. Because they have a bag of tricks. No. Not like an elderly sex worker in Nevada. Like a Las Vegas magician on his fourth show of the day. We've got a bag of tricks. And very much, then if they get tired and burnt out, the magician, where do they go?

Starting point is 00:07:04 They go to the sex worker. very much in then if they get they get tired and burnt out the magician where do they go they go to the sex worker and what's the sex worker got a huge sack full of sex toys sex tricks all been in a big vat of like that oil no not the oil the alcohol solution that you get in barbers which they put the used combs in you put all the sex toys in that like that's what you call an act of love between you and someone with severe terrible eczema. Scaly sex tricks. Scale-extrix. Scaly-extrix. Maybe snot up.

Starting point is 00:07:32 I guess I should have said it's a car toy based on scaly... You know what? All jokes on this show are a work in progress, aren't they? I was just thinking about a huge vat of disinfectant full of bobbing sex toys. Like a bucket of disinfectant full of sex toys bobbing about, like a magician on a sex show and he's getting his wand out, like a prostitute in the varner and she's working on her tricks, is a windmill of my mind and I've got a dirty dick. Oh I rub it with a toothbrush, I wash it mouth out,

Starting point is 00:08:06 I rub its little lips with a soapy substance. Yes, I don't know what I'm doing. Well I think we should erm. I wash my Willy song. I like the wash. I wake up in the morning and I wash my Willy clean. I get it out and it is because it is never seen without a lovely smile on. Oh, I love this cheeky lips. I wash it with a toothbrush and I get onto the tip. I've got a watch of Smeg on my knob. I've got a watch of Smeg on my knob. Smeg on me knob. Smeg on me knob.

Starting point is 00:08:35 No, no, mama, it's Smeg on me knob. I've got an inch of Smeg on me knob. Stick your thumb in that and flick it in your gob. I've got a lot of Smeg on me knob. Hit it with toffee hammer, oh it's gone. Toffee hammer's come up. Toffee hammer's come up. Can we move on actually please? In five minutes and all we've done is sex songs about washing my willy. I wash my willy in the morning. I wash it late at night. And if it's got a sheen on then I have done alright.

Starting point is 00:09:03 I wash my meg in the morning. Sorry, let I have done all right. I wash my Meg in the morning. Sorry, let me, I'll try. I want to eat it. You want one more go at this, go on. I want more parts. I'll let you have it, because it's all very embarrassing and we shouldn't be doing this at all. It really is.

Starting point is 00:09:12 It's actually a detriment to the content of this episode. I'm feeling now unwell and ashamed. You're still gonna go ahead though, are you, and do this song, so go on. I wash my knob in the morning. I wash my knob at night. And if you saw my knob before I washed it it would give you a fright because there's so much smegma there's

Starting point is 00:09:30 about two miles long and all of it is smegma and it don't have pong. Oh smeg me smeg smeg. Alright what's coming up on the show then? I put my hand down my trousers and I reach underneath oh my old dirty willy I put my hand down my trousers and I reach underneath Oh my old dirty willy, I've got to dip it in bleach I drop it in a cup of Domestos and I leave it there And if I leave it for 90 minutes, oh off comes the hair Oh my hairy cock looks like a caterpillar wild And even though I grab it, it always makes me smile

Starting point is 00:10:04 My willy and my bumhole, they always fall out true because one stinks of piss and the other stinks of poo. What the fuck am I doing? Amdily, amdily, amdily, amdily, amdily, amdily. Alright, what's the first record? Come on. Super Smeagma Dirty Dickhole, fucking dirty bum crack. Something like that. Yeah, funny enough it is. Bums money money bum money bum money cock. Bums money money bum money bum money cock. Bums money money bum money bum money cock.

Starting point is 00:10:35 Oh when I was a little kid my dickie didn't off stink. And I used to clean it once a day until I turned it pink. And then one day my mum caught me and said, will you put it back? She put it down her dress and then I put it up the back Oh I know it could be up there. It could be up there Mom's blouse was it

Starting point is 00:11:00 Your mom's come into this your mum came into this a minute ago. The Toffee Hammers made an appearance. Let's just get on, let's just move on. We've got six songs to get through this week, six vinyl record discoveries. Let's get into them right now. What are we starting with this week? We did, oh, we are starting with Braz on 45. It seems looking up now.

Starting point is 00:11:21 So this is Ivor Biggan. And the D Cups, get it? With bras on 45 and it goes a lot like this. For a boogie a week ago last Tuesday I was doing the Wigan Hustle and the Pallet Glide I met a girl in pink suspenders and her buzz wands were stupendous Like two bald-headed men sitting side by side She wore a bra size 45 and she could shoot and chive And when she stopped dancing, bits of her kept wobbling about She said, you drive me crazy, burn some rubber on me baby

Starting point is 00:12:07 She grabbed my little whistle and she began to shout Hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me Je t'adore, hit me the dick Hit me, hit me, hit me Hit me with your rhythm stick I'm six feet tall and five feet thick Hit me, hit me, hit me Now Paul, I enjoyed Braz on 45 by Ivor Biggan and the D Cups on Dead Badger Records more than I thought I was going to.

Starting point is 00:12:52 Same here because Ivor Biggan is something that we could have talked about plenty of times in the past on this podcast and just never really got round to it. It felt too obvious. But we were sent this and another record. It's got a letter in. Can you pass me the other record that I'm not going to mention it or bring up later? Yeah, that one. I think that's got the letter in. Let me just read this out. Right, these were both sent by one person. Yeah. Okay, great. Let me quickly get through this. Thanks for sending in to the PO box, everyone. Cheap Show, as mentioned on Patreon, here is Bras on 45, a terrible take on Stars on 45 that I found in a, I think that says Norfolk Charity Shop.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Norfolk. And I've also included blank because I thought it might be interesting. I recognized the voice but can't place it. Couldn't find anything online credits wise. Thank you all so much for all the cheap goodness and I believe it's Jake who sent that so thank you very much, Jake. So yeah, Ivor Biggan we've mentioned very briefly on this show. I have to let people know that's not the person's real name. No, it is the name of a band more than a person. Oh, really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:50 Where do you start with this? That's funny because he says and the D Cups. Yeah, but I think it's a kind of catch all for the fact that he's making novelty songs on the resundanum. This is one of the most novelty, novelty records that has ever novel the novelty. It's got so many novelty aspects to it, Paul. Well, first of all, we've covered the Stars on 45 genre. Can I ask what that is?

Starting point is 00:14:12 These were, Stars on 45 were little medley records of pop hits that people would buy to put on at a party, is that right? Basically yeah, they were party records. They were segued into each other, is that right? Because it falls in the middle era of compilation albums, like the original Top of the Pops albums in the 70s, and then the novelty mix mashup song. Like Dive Bunny. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Whereas Start on 45 was both at the same time. You could put the whole album on and for 20 odd minutes you'd never have to skip because it would just be one free flowing all in one mix. Yes, but it was on 45, which is seven-inch records. Yes, but they did bring out albums as well. That's what the 45 refers to, the RPM of seven-inch records. Yeah. Oh, Stars on 45 brought out LPs as well.

Starting point is 00:14:53 Yeah, with the compilations of their compilations. Oh really? But that kind of bleeds into what Jive Bunny was in the late 80s, early 90s. Jive Bunny was much more actual re-edits of rock and roll songs and segwayed together. But as we've always seen through these, no matter what, it's always the same Drive Bunny was much more actual re-edits of rock and roll songs and segwayed together. But as we've always seen through these, no matter what, it's always the same time signature to keep it all in sync from track to track. There's always this kind of clap background with like...

Starting point is 00:15:15 Yeah, they put the beat over it so that it stays in time for the segway. So no matter what the song is, it still has that... so basically it becomes like fireplace music. You put it on, you ignore it, you forget about it, it's all mixed for you. Anyway. But either way, Stars on 45 became like a catch-all genre for contemporary songs remixed for parties. Yes, which is what they do with this track, because this track references several other hits of the era, starting with...

Starting point is 00:15:41 But, okay, so yeah, I know you're gonna get into this, but we need to say something very briefly. This isn't specifically what I would say fits into the Stars on 45 genre, because yes, it does sample certain songs, but it's almost like an original track with gags in that use those famous choruses or riffs or whatever. Yes, and this is a point we'll probably both agree on with this. When I said, I enjoyed this more than I thought. This is really well worked and layered and there's a lot of gags packed in, isn't there? And if you look at the things that he references, or they reference in this, it's very cleverly done. In fact, yes, they reference hit me with your rhythm stick. You'll work into the story of him meeting this woman with big boobs at a nightclub.

Starting point is 00:16:22 Ian Drury in the blockheads. There's oops Your Head, which is not, that song isn't actually called that, that's in the bracket. Which is the Gap Bands. Yeah. It mean that you don't know good, put your back on against the wall. No, that's a different song. No, it's not. Oops Upside Your Head. Oh yeah, you're right. Oops Upside Your Head. Then again you don't wanna dance, put your back up against the wall.

Starting point is 00:16:44 Put your back up against the wall. Would you back up in the wall? Something like that. No, it's a different song. But let's, before we get into that, we gotta go back a bit. I don't wanna have an argument about that. It is a different song, but it was Oops upside your head by the Gap Band. Oops upside your head. I said Oops upside your head.

Starting point is 00:16:57 No, it is the same song. We'll have to do this later, but it's irrelevant. We'll be doing this in the fucking interstitial between the next recording session. That's what we'll be fucking doing. Because I want this dealt with in episode. I don't think it's the one that goes, how are you going to do it if you really don't want to dance? I don't think that's the same song.

Starting point is 00:17:12 Put your back against the wall. Yeah, but where's it upside your head bit? Because it changes. Oops. Sorry, because that's kind of the intro into it. We'll see. We'll see. But I believe you are melding two different songs.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Everyone will find out in podcast listening time in about 10 minutes. But anyway, and also baggy trousers by madness that's in there does that. And that was a huge hit baggy trousers because it was about being naughty in school, wasn't it? And everyone loved it because it had that irreverent sort of we're all naughty. We pick our boogers and we wear baggy trousers. Yeah. But he't cut our hair. But he's also sing-song-rappy, got a narrative going through. He's doing a rap, and that's what I mean, how this is like meta-novelty. Because rap is one of those things, as a form that novelty... People in the 80s, if you made a novelty song, it had to have a rap on.

Starting point is 00:17:56 Even if it doesn't advertise the fact that he's doing a rap at all. But it's just such a good format for making a comedy record, isn't it? Because you could do those funny rhymes and so forth. So yeah, there's that. And also Cars by Gary Newman, isn't it? Which is an unusual choice, but you know, fair play. That's what makes it different though. It's not an obvious selection of like contemporary... This is 81, I think. But let me just pop back in time a bit to explain who Ivor Biggan is. Ivor Biggan was a comedy songwriter who wrote very cheeky, very innuendo laced vulgar comedy songs. The

Starting point is 00:18:26 famous one that we featured very briefly in the past is the Winker song or I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker and it does me good like it bloody well should, I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker, whatever it is. But he did lots of songs like that about farting, about tits, about poos, about all sorts. Sort of a spiritual father to like Viz or people like Cunt in the Gang. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. People who do dirty songs. And revel in it and enjoy the fact. And there's a little bit of George Formby in there, but also there's more range to his albums than I think people remember.

Starting point is 00:18:59 The artist himself is a guy called Doc Cox. That's his real name, Doc. Well, Doc Cox isn't even his real name. I just have distrustful of... His name was Robert Cox. I'm distr... Yeah. Why are people called Doc? Who gets the nickname Doc?

Starting point is 00:19:11 Well, he got the name Doc. It explains in his Wikipedia page, but effectively he was called Doc because when he worked at the BBC, he carried his lunch around in a little case that looked like a doctor's case. So he went, oh, there's the Doc, Doc Cox. Like one of those bags, Doctor's bags.

Starting point is 00:19:24 Yeah, you know the ones that used to have in those all those 50s, 60s comedy films? They put it on the bedside table and then the stethoscope comes out. Yeah, all that black leather little kind of bag thing. It's a doctor's bag, I think. Yeah. But either way, he began as a sound. Imagine that you just have a bag and that's how you get your whole nickname. Yeah. It's like me being called Rucksack Eli or something. Or Paul Fanny Pack Gannon. Fanny Pack or something. Or Paul Fanny Pack Gannon.

Starting point is 00:19:45 Fanny Pack Gannon. Actually Fanny Pack Gannon fucking rings a bell. It rings a bell. Look who's coming down the street. It's Fanny Pack Gannon because I pack in a fanny. Oh you pack it with garbage. Yeah oh my god you know what even I thought that's too obvious but okay so he started out as a teacher he then became a sound engineer at the BBC in about 69. Then he became, I don't know how this transition happened, maybe there's a documentary about it, but then he transferred into doing like warm up for That's Life. That's Life, the show we feature on the past, which is kind of like, it's a magazine consumer led program about, you know, it was a huge, huge TV show for like 10 years or something was it?

Starting point is 00:20:25 It mixed the light and the heavy about consumer protection, people being ripped off or crimes or all that kind of stuff. It had funny bits as well. Yeah, they used to have a part of That's Life where they went to someone who did poems or witty things about the show. They had a spot available and he said he accidentally got that spot because his warm up material meant he could do, he was there on the set and he stood in and did wacky songs based on some of the weird news stories they got. That's what it says there.

Starting point is 00:20:49 That's Ivor Biggan. So he had Ivor Biggan going on as a project at the same time. And the same time he released it on his own label, which is the Dead Badger record. Which has got a great logo. That's what I mean. Every aspect of this doesn't seem half-arsed. Like it gives a fuck. It's like well made low brow humour.

Starting point is 00:21:07 Even the instrumentation and the backing tracks are pretty good. For this, because it must be a very low budget track, it sounds alright. Like there's some pride here. This is like trying to make quality novelty stuff basically. And again, you'd think he could toss this off, right, and just basically go, ah I'll stick a load of tracks together and do it in a funny accent. But no, he's put lyrics in a story, it weaves in and out of the remixes. It's just, it's sort of like prime, it's when novelty music was at its absolute height, I'd say. And it uses so many of the tropes of novelty, you know, pastiche, rap being a big thing

Starting point is 00:21:43 and innuendo. Everything is there. Just to mention the B side, you've got two tracks on the flip. Which were good but you know, didn't really linger. No, Armise Electric. Which is a kind of Smurfs spoof. Father Abraham and the Smurfs. Father Abraham was never in the cartoon was he? No, it was only for the live albums. He was just some weird German bloke who sang with the Smurfs.

Starting point is 00:22:02 Who made millions off those Smurf albums. Yeah, so that's that. And then you've got Richard the Third, which is Richard the Turd, which is about poos. And it has some kind of leader of the pack kind of thing going on. Oh that's right, yeah, it uses the leader of, which in fact is a... The tragic romantic pop ballad. Teen ballad, yeah. Which if you think about it, is a kind of novelty crossover record from the time, because

Starting point is 00:22:23 it has the sound effect of the motorcycle and all of that, and it has a story and it is very much in that novelty area. I will say this, it's very literate, it's very literate of music history and you know what I mean? Yeah, he seems to be proficient. You know what I mean? No one's going to say he's a lost wit or one of the greats, but like, he gives a fuck

Starting point is 00:22:42 about what he puts out it seems. His last album was 2005 and I love the title, Hand Swollen Goods which I think is great. But now he's retired, he lives in Suffolk, he's active in several pub bands and one of them is called The Trembling Wheelbarrows. Oh he's still at the game. Yeah he's 78. Wow. So fair play to him. And if you watch any of Stuart Millard's videos on YouTube which we highly recommend you do, he does an episode all on That's Life. And there's a big segment dedicated to Doc Cox's bits in there. So this leads us to...

Starting point is 00:23:11 Platter! It's a platter from me as well. It's a platter from me. I really enjoyed it. If you like that kind of thing, definitely worth going to check out, isn't it? Cause it's a whole almost vanished world of light entertainment, innuendo comedy that doesn't exist anymore. And again, more considered than it has any right to be for a low brow daft novelty song. Does, er, what?

Starting point is 00:23:31 I can see there's a flashing light there. Yeah, he's coming on in a minute. I'll tell you what, I'll go get him out while we play the next track. Alright. What are we doing? What's the next track? It's the first of my selections now, Paul. Batting it back to Mr Sylvan.

Starting point is 00:23:42 And this is Tonight, Today DBMNT. Now, Eagle Eared listeners, I mean, not Eagle Eared. Yeah, I know. I mean, but we get it. We get it. Eagle Eared. If you're Eagle Brained, Eagle Brained listeners might be able to see something from those initials and see what other band was the progenitor of this band. But this again, tonight today… You make a fucking shit DJ, come on! I am a DJ, I'm not a shit DJ! That's hurtful, I was on the radio yesterday.

Starting point is 00:24:12 Oh, so was I. On the BBC. Come on! Nicking partridge bits. Now, this is Tonight Today by DBM&T. Hit it! People at this very time are making many things, that's all, that's all. Buddy, I'm raising backs and plans, the wise man understands us fools are in demand. Every day the desert buckets, what you want Look at the stars, and see the stars Someone's getting drunk and ugly

Starting point is 00:25:11 On the city side, what's up? Let's take to the universe, and explore away A morning drink or a surfing picture Tonight, today, feeling all going on All this moment's different strands of life Tonight, today, we're about to start Right, okay, I've just got him out of his booth But I've got a little surprise for him, alright?

Starting point is 00:25:37 So, just don't... He just brings me down, Paul I'm not feeling well I know, Paul And he's just so bad I am activated. Hello Trackbot. Trackbot, Trackbot is back in the hissy housey. Hello Trackbot, how are you? I am well. I have had a nice week of frog music. Are you fully charged? I am having problems charging.

Starting point is 00:26:04 Oh yeah that's the problem see this is what I keep telling you about so. The cupboards like it's all boarded up, it's a charged cupboard. Yeah I had to board it up because if I didn't everyone's throwing their muck in. Paul can I ask you? Yeah. Have you tried? Yeah once or twice I came in. I mean I've done it I'm getting addicted to it. It's nice about it. The smooth walls. It's that kind of plasticated 70s walls. Just get it right in there. Do you put your thumbs in those little kind of sockets at the side and just get a little bit of purchase on it? Yeah, I know, I love it.

Starting point is 00:26:30 I don't like it. Poke it in, poke it out. Poke it in, poke it out. Okay, Trackbot. Poke it in, and then the muck comes. Trackbot, are you ready? The muck comes. The muck does come, yes.

Starting point is 00:26:40 The muck comes and fiddles with my dada-bice. Now, Trackbot. If you ask me, you shouldn't have such a sexy pod. It's his fault. Well, it's all dada-bice. Now, Trackbot. If you ask me, you shouldn't have such a sexy pod. It's his fault. Well, it's all boarded up now anyway. It's his fault. I am still at 100% active mode. And how are we meant to charge you now?

Starting point is 00:26:56 Test me. Test me. OK, now, who had a hit with Holiday? Female singer, very famous. Breakthrough hit. The answer from my database is Russ Abbott. Are you sure? Are you sure you're fully charged? It is Russ Abbott's Holiday. Russ Abbott's Holiday. Anyway Trackbot. Try me again. Try me again. I mean you must be able to get this. Who? Please get this right Trackbot. Try me again. Okay. Try me again. I mean, you must be able to get this. Who?

Starting point is 00:27:26 Please get this right, Trackbot, or we're going to have problems justifying you here every time we do tracks and records and stuff, mate. What lovable Liverpool four-piece released, I want to hold your hand, Trackbot. What was the name of that group? Black Lace. Black Lace. Black Lace released, I want to hold your hand. Are you sure you're fully charged now?

Starting point is 00:27:49 I am. Well listen, this is the thing, just stand over there a minute Jackpot. The thing is, is that I've realised now that that booth is the problem here. It's too sexy and when we come inside of it, it's fucking with his programming and ruining his charge. So, I went online and I found this new attachment which means he doesn't need his booth. So basically what happens is he's got this long pipe right now. Does it improve his answer rate? Well it's a quicker charge for a start because that one was like early 2000s. Oh those points are all rusted. They're all rusted up. It's

Starting point is 00:28:18 a reasonably brand new charging pipe. How does it work? So this end here, right, this thing screws into Trackbox's mouth, where his energy is, right? So he kind of screws in tight. And he's charged through the mouth plate. Yeah, and then the long, well this kind of, I mean it's flesh-like, but this flesh-like pipe, right, you take and you just put it into a wall socket, right, and you can stick it in there and then he gets the power straight from the wall straight into his mouth directly so he can't be answering music based questions no not while he's charging so what I'm thinking is now is that we just charge we

Starting point is 00:28:53 stick him go on do it now so trackbot come here Trackbot enter room, Celine Dion once sang itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow Pogo dot bikini Yes that's right Trackbot, now you need some charge so come towards us please ABBA was made out of Lego I mean that's not even a music fact It is What?

Starting point is 00:29:16 It is Okay we need to It is Yes you're right ABBA were made of Lego And did you know the Rolling Stones had thumbs made of plasticine is that right? Confirmed! Good good, anything is confirmed basically. Anyway you need some charge my little metal friend. Kylie Minogue has released 7162 albums in a six year span. That's true as well. Yes. Good.

Starting point is 00:29:46 If you come here, come over here. I've got this new charge pipe for you. Hang on. And where does it go? It's so we have to screw this end into your mouth. You hold it and then I'll just click this button. We've got to put it into the wall first. So click it, click it into the wall. Look, just plug it in straight there.

Starting point is 00:30:05 There you go. And now turn it on. All right. Turn it on. Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal He's charging though! He's charging, at least he's charging! Oh my god, shut the door! Come back! Yeah, he's making a noise when he charges, doesn't he?

Starting point is 00:30:43 Well I hope that's a solution to the track pop problem because, wow, he seems to be getting worse in terms of the misinformation. Well that's because we keep coming in his booth and we're going to fuck his wiring and shit. Well it's done now. Anyway, that was seven minutes and now we're going to talk about that song very briefly because there's not much to it. D, B, M and T were the remaining members of Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Oh, you well remembered because Dave D thought he could do it. He thought, fuck them, fuck Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch. I'm going to make it on my own. This is late 60s. A lot of bands at that time, the lead singers decided to make it on their own, didn't they? Because the exact same thing happened with Herman's Hermits. Do you remember? No, what happened there? Herman's Hermits, the guy out of Herman's Hermits decided he didn't need the Hermits,

Starting point is 00:31:30 or a hermit. What's this song called again? Today, Tonight? Tonight, Today. Tonight, Today, according to Wikipedia. It was a song released in November 1969 and it was quite lauded at the time. New Musical Express said it was a bubbling Howard Blakely inspired number, very much in the tradition already outlined by the D outfit. It's a cross between

Starting point is 00:31:50 Val Doonican and Johnny Cash. Yeah, it's got, it's interesting musically and it's got this weird, this guy doing, everyone has a, it's like in canon, isn't it? They do these different bits that sort of circle and overlap. But it also has a sort of novelty feel to me in that the subject matter is basically quite a philosophical one. It's not like a love song or anything. It's like- About the state of the world. Which is a bit like, no, it's like everything's happening all at once across the world. And, you know, there's so many things tonight, today, think all different stuff is happening

Starting point is 00:32:22 all over the globe. And it references things like like protests and stuff but not in a really hardcore sort of way no just in a sort of passing way. It's a bit like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire in that it refers to now would you call that a novelty song? No. But it's one of these songs with lots of references to things. Yeah but it just falls into a genre of like list music. And this has got aspects of this. Like who did Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick? Ian Jory. Ian Jory did a lot of songs like that.

Starting point is 00:32:51 Yes. Especially in the Kilburn and the High Road stuff. Right, like Liszt-y songs. Yeah. And it's got that kind of vibe to it, doesn't it? It says here, it's a clever canon arrangement with Dozy, Beaky and Titch each singing one tongue-twisting section counterpoint to one another. Yes.

Starting point is 00:33:05 However, weirdly, this wasn't a big hit in the UK. It did better in Netherlands and Germany and Belgium, where in Netherlands it broke into the top five. Yeah. Everywhere else top 40. But the B-side was far more successful in Mexico when a disc jockey called Cesar Andandre liked it so much he played it on his radio show and it became a huge success in Mexico. Yeah, the B-side, Bad News, much more straightforward, sort of stone status quo almost. Quo like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:36 Like blues rocker, but with some very nice guitar work I have to say, but nothing really special. No, but it is in all a lovely song. They've got one of the most ridiculous band names of all the whole era as well. Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch. And Sleepy and Doc. It is, but it does roll off the tongue quite well. Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch. I can't remember it. Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch. Police are out. Evening all. Titch? Is it Titch? Is Titch small? Titch a massive guy like little Dave?

Starting point is 00:34:05 Probably, it's probably like that isn't it? Little John but he's fucking massive. Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch. Dozy was always awake. In fact he was the most alert of any of them. Well and Beaky just had a kind of hole in the face. No he was, yeah, from cocaine. Oh it was about his big nose.

Starting point is 00:34:18 He was on the beak mate. His septum. His septum. Oh wait no yeah you're right. Don't get those confused. Imagine taking so much cocaine your perineum falls out. Ooh. Like a dark trench between your ass and your balls.

Starting point is 00:34:30 Do you know what? I saw in The Guardian the other day, they referred to the little period of time that we've just got past as the Christmas perineum. And it's like, no, it's the merineum, which was a vis profanusaurus. Oh, was it? That's the merineum, which was a vis profanusaurus. Oh, was it? That's the Merineum, because a merry-neum. Oh, okay. But why wouldn't they call it that?

Starting point is 00:34:49 Because it's stupid, it's witness. Anyway. What is the next track we're doing then? Is it this one? That's right. It's the Pièce de résistance. Well, we'll see. It's certainly an interesting one from my point of view, because this was given to us

Starting point is 00:35:02 by Jake alongside the I have a biggin one and it's called Captain Croc, the crocodile song from the Pontons Crocodile Club and by God your ears are going to hear it. We need to say whether that's a hit or a miss me. Oh a hit, a platter. A DB and MT, platter for me. It's a lovely enough track, I like it. I do I think prefer the flip.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Nah the flip's fine but the's a bit too throw away. Both a bit throw away, aren't they? Yeah, but the other one looks a little bit more like it's trying something different to you. I would give it a reserved platter. Yeah, a reserved platter from me too. But anyway, this is Captain Croc, the crocodile song for the Pontons Crocodile Club, and it does an off sound like this. Clap! Are you ready crocodiles?

Starting point is 00:36:14 Crocodile salute! Crocodile smile! Crocodile snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Crocodile, crocodile, we're marching in single file Crocodile, crocodile, we're never sad, we always smile Sing, boys and girls, crocodile, crocodile The crocodiles are on their way Crocodile, crocodile For a snappy happy holiday So first of all, awful, awful, awful, awful song

Starting point is 00:36:57 Of all of the songs today, I think this is the one, maybe... Yeah, this is the most unbearable to listen to This is the one I wanted to take off because I got the gist. It's the use of the military tattoo rhythm. It's funny, when I saw this come in the post, it suddenly opened up a whole door of memories that I had long since closed because I actually used to have this on vinyl when I was a kid. It comes from the Holiday Club Pontons, which is the the Cindy to Butlins is Barbie. Okay. If you want to use that kind of thing. Which one? I don't know. Which are holiday camps. Yes, but you mean Cindy was more high class than Barbie?

Starting point is 00:37:33 No, Cindy was just not as popular, but did the same job. Little and large to Cannon and Bull. Yes, little and large of Pontons to Cannon and Bull's Butlins. Some of the fucking references we make. I know some Americans go, what are you talking about when they hear this podcast? It's like, you know what? We don't care. They're all references. You do the research. So I used to have this because yeah, you could pick this up if you went to a holiday camp,

Starting point is 00:37:55 which was full of chalets and an entertainment area. And there was a gift shop, was there, where you could buy records. Because Pontons used to have for a small amount of time, this crocodile character, Captain Croc, as its kind of mascot. What's he the captain of? The reptile division? I mean, it doesn't really say. He doesn't even look like a military figure. He doesn't seem dressed for a little while. What's he dressed up in? He's got a fucking red coat.

Starting point is 00:38:16 Unless he's thinking himself like a superhero. Did they have red coats in Pontins' films as well? No, they had something similar but they weren't called red coats. Grimms and jackets. Yellow coats or something. Yellow coats. I know, yellow coats was hidey-hide. Which was based on those type of things.

Starting point is 00:38:28 But you know, in a Tay Day, the 50s, 60s, before the downturn of package holidays. I wonder if there were any other big operators in that market at the time. Well these barely exist now. There are far fewer Pontons and Buttlands than there used to be. But there's a list here. Ah. Bottenhall, Blackpool, Brendan, Sands and Canberra, Sands, Dolphin, Hemsbury, Little Canada, Middleton Tower, Parkfield, Playmont Bay, Pristat and Stans, Riviera, Sand Bay and Seacroft, South Down South, the Fountains. We didn't start the Fountains.

Starting point is 00:38:58 They were all in Southport and South Down St Mary's and Torbay and Woll, Popwick Ferry. Anyway, you get the gist with that joke. They had loads of them. But these were scattered around the UK. You could go there for a holiday with your family, go to Chalet, see some entertainment. And so you were a fan? No, not a fan, but my family went to Pontons at some point and I obviously bought this. We should mention the vocal, was it Jake who sent this in to you?

Starting point is 00:39:22 Sounds familiar. He said, who is that guy? Sounds like they're doing a pitch perfect Chris Tarrant. It sounds so much like Chris Tarrant. I don't think it's Chris Tarrant. We don't know who it is though. We don't know, but come on. Chris Tarrant, who was a multimillionaire. At this time, what year is this?

Starting point is 00:39:37 Well this is 89. So he'd already been like famous for two decades almost. He wouldn't be messing with this shit. No. But that guy is doing an impression of him. I just think the voice is similar in general, but when he starts singing proper, you don't really hear it. But in fact, it's not just the voice, Paul. It's the scanning, the way the words are...

Starting point is 00:39:55 It's very... The whole presentation is very... Yeah, when he's talking and like, ordering the kids to pretend to be crocodiles, you hear it. But when he's singing, you don't. It just falls into generic session singer at that point. Fair enough, fair enough. But the reason why I remember this is because it was part of a prize package that I got because suddenly I remembered I went to Pontons in 1989, maybe 90.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Wow. And entered some kind of Pepsi sponsored movie quiz and somehow I won it. Well, you were a movie buff to this day. Yeah but I was only what let's say it was 1990 I went I was only 12. You would have been into Ghostbusters. Oh easily. So maybe there were a lot of Ghostbusters questions. As a result of winning this competition I won a few prizes and I was asked to go to

Starting point is 00:40:38 another Pontons to do another round which we never went to in the end. Why? I can't remember, don't remember what happened after that. Oh, you could have had a different career as a professional quizzer. Oh, God, as an egghead or one of the chase crew or something. No, that would be terrible. Come on. That's a terrible way to live a life.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Terrible way. So it led to the point where I think the local newspaper where I was growing up, The Wirral Globe, had a small story about me in the press winning this Pepsi competition quiz thing. This is like Duck Hunt all over again. It is. Games Master you were on in The Wirral Globe. This is a memory I had definitely pinned to the back of my brain and just forgotten about.

Starting point is 00:41:20 Until I saw this record again, I didn't remember the Globe thing, the Pepsi Challenge competition thing, the record, which is, you know, sub black lace party kid thing. It's terrible. I hate the military detail and the terrible synths. It's a song of like three tones. It's got like a weird upbeat dance along thing and then a military thing and then a kind of Superman, come here, feel the thing. Really terrible, terrible.

Starting point is 00:41:42 And it's- Awkwardly arranged. It's awful. It's such a piece of knocked off. Like we were saying with the Ivor Biggan, care has been put into the production of that record, but here it feels, everything feels just farmed out, cheapest possible, most generic possible, everything. But you know, this was made because they would have kids hours and stuff. That's what it's for and I guess it does that well because all the kids stand up and salute

Starting point is 00:42:09 Captain Crocodile. Yeah, it's like, here we go. Or like there's a video on YouTube of a Captain Croc thing. It's, oh god, it goes back as far as 2018 they're still doing Captain Croc. Why though? Because crocodiles... Inspector Gadget Dun dun dun dun dun! Yeah, they still have it as a mascot at Pontons.

Starting point is 00:42:32 Crocodiles attack people at the shoreline and drag them and put them under a rock to soften them up. What's the most famous cartoon crocodile? Errr... Maybe one of those Hanna-Barbera ones? Although that's Wally Gator or something. Wally Gator?

Starting point is 00:42:46 That doesn't even count. Well, it's a similar species, but... Pontons have a few characters. Captain Croc, Xena the Zebra, Florence the Ostrich, and Chuckles the Monkey. Wait! That's that guy! Wasn't Chuckles the Numb Monkey from fucking Orville? He probably, yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:00 I ate that, doc! Yeah, that's Chuckles, isn't it? Oh, yeah! Or is it Tickles? Is he called Tickles? No, it's not Tickles is he tickles it's chuckles or bubbles no bubbles bubbles no no bubbles is the Michael Jackson fuck monkey no but do you take my point Paul yeah the crocodile isn't why would

Starting point is 00:43:17 you want kids is there an element of menace that you're trying to get the kids to behave as well so they if they respect the crocodiles could be a bit scary Captain Croc you know I mean if he's if he's been on the source Captain that you're trying to get the kids to behave as well. So if they respect the crocodiles, could be a bit scary. Captain Croc, you know what I mean? If he's been on the source, Captain Croc fucking gets snappy. Come on, Captain Croc, come on, you've got to go on stage. There's 28 kids out there. I'm fucking off.

Starting point is 00:43:34 I'm gonna go. We need you to sing it. No, I don't want to go. I'm fucking drunk. Come on, you've just got to sing. You've just got to prime to the Captain Croc song, all right? All right. Mummy, Captain Croc's been sick in my face!

Starting point is 00:43:49 Oh, you fucking little brat! Oh! Oh! Oh! Alright, we're gonna have to get... It's happening again! Arrgh! It's happening again! Arrgh! I'll put you under a rock, you little cunt! And that's our improvised scene today of... No, we... Anyway.

Starting point is 00:44:01 It was quite good. Oh, thank you. It was alright. No, no, thank you. It did the job. Thank you very much. It got the job done. No. Thank you very much. Thank you Paul. Here's the thing though, Splatter or Platter. It is a splatter. It's a splatter for me as well. We should mention briefly Disco Crocodile, which is on the B side. This is what I mean

Starting point is 00:44:17 about the cheapness of this. It's a totally different title. Is it literally exactly the same song with slightly different lyrics and a bass drum going boom boom boom? It's a slightly different arrangement of it. Fucking terrible. It is in every way cheap and shit. But. And cynical. Opened up a door in my brain to a memory long lost, long lost memory and it's back now.

Starting point is 00:44:38 So thank you Jake for that. So a splatter from both of us. Yeah, a splatter from me. Even though it's got the memories. I have suddenly realised I'm going to end week with my third selection. What is your next selection? My second selection. Yeah, because I'm not happy with my final one now in reflection, but we'll get to that.

Starting point is 00:44:55 Well, we've made our bed now. Dems the breaks. There's not enough bloody breaks on these records. Dems the breaks. Bad Girls with, and we'll hear a bit of this right now. Right now, in fact. And this is a song which will be familiar to everyone, no doubt. Yep.

Starting point is 00:45:12 A staple of the world of music itself, Paul. In a similar vein to stars on 45 and Ponton's Kids classic hits kind of thing, you know. This is Bad Girls with Vakonga. And it sounds a little something like this. Come on, let's dance together. Let the music play now. And forever, we'll dance together. Let the music play now. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together.

Starting point is 00:45:54 And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together. And forever, we'll dance together, dance forever Let the music play now And forever, we're together Hey, hey, hey

Starting point is 00:46:14 Come and sing along, girl, you know you can't go wrong 1, 2, 3, it's fantastic Now that we're together, it's really getting better. So one, two, three, you must agree. It's the conga, Paul. Question, is this the original origin of conga? Hang on, there's so many congas. Na na na na.

Starting point is 00:46:41 Na na na na. Come on and do the conga. Let's all do the conga. That's Let's All Do the Conga. This is a version of that. na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na the West, so to speak, in the 30s. That's right. So there was a lot of that in Hollywood in the 1930s and 40s. You'd see a lot of Conga in musicals and in nightclubs, especially in LA. And I think where we're getting confused is it's not a song, it's a dance, but it often includes that phrase. No, it doesn't include that phrase. It's more the beat, it's like... It's more the beat, it's like... Duh duh duh duh duh duh

Starting point is 00:47:24 Duh duh duh duh duh duh Duh duh duh duh duh duh And then that's the affectation Where did that come from? We still don't know No, that's the affectation other people put on it So it was big in the 30s and 40s, whatever And then it dies out and whatever And then somehow, somehow in the 70s and early 80s

Starting point is 00:47:40 It becomes a staple Of like party and novelty hits Like Black Lace But this is novelty hits, like Black Lace. Black Lace, but this is the funny thing, Black Lace isn't that tune, is it? No, but it's similar. How does the Black Lace one go, please? Because the Black Lace one goes, come on and do the conga and let the party stronger. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:47:59 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no theme and the E.T. theme back to back. I've got it as well, so come on. How does the Black Lace one? No, Black Lace is, do do do, come on and do the conga, do do do, a train around the floor.

Starting point is 00:48:15 Because that's the other thing, the conga's a dance, but is it a dance where you're in single file doing a kind of, do do do do do? You know what, Paul? It's not often we get to say this on this podcast, but we do not have the time. This could be its whole own podcast, because it's amazing to me how you can't just look up... What's it on Wikipedia? It doesn't have the conga on Wikipedia. Well, I'm just looking for now. But weirdly, I just saw this question come up. It goes, why was the conga banned? The style was appropriated by politicians in the early years of the Republic in an attempt to appeal to the masses before elections. This is in Cuba?

Starting point is 00:48:48 I'm guessing so. Wow. However, Havana citizens were forbidden to dance to the Conga line since rival groups would work themselves into high excitement and start street fights. Wow, yeah. But it originated in Cuba and the participants form a winding line taking three steps forward and three steps back and then doing a kick. That's the kick. Yeah. Yeah, so it's that. Along that trajectory someone wrote a song that has that na na na na. When I was a kid in school that would be the thing where it goes come and do the conga and make my willy longer. You just do that kind of thing you know.

Starting point is 00:49:28 It's fascinating to me because it's a dance and it's also a sort of weird meme a bit like you know the Chinese it's like a figure isn't it it's like the Chinese music. Yes. How does that go? Yeah yeah. And then my brain goes da da da da da da-da-da-da, for no reason. Which is also a similar sort of thing. Yeah, that was called the vaudeville something or other.

Starting point is 00:49:49 So it almost has that status, doesn't it? That na-na-na-na-na. Yeah. Like it's like what, like I'm loving it. It's like a tiny... No, it's much bigger and richer than that. No, I know, but it's similar. It's like a little phrase that is almost like a melody meme these days, do you know what I mean? I see what you're saying with that respect, but in terms of like the genre of itself, it's much more richly kind of... Like for instance, we just listened to the Gloria Estevan and the Miami Sound Machine. Which is cool. That's really good. Come on everybody, let's do that conga, which is a totally different melody. See what I mean? But that's excellent. And what was it in the 80s that made that comeback? Was it the back end of disco that

Starting point is 00:50:28 allowed this conga to come through again? Well, that's it. If we get back to the record under discussion, Paul, Bad Girls, conga, this is very much using Moroder style keyboard line, that sequenced keyboard that you get from Donna Summers, Give Me Love. that sequenced keyboard that you get from Donna Summer's Give Me Love. Dibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibid Black Lace, Black Lace famously stole a lot of stuff from when they were touring Europe, right? So it must have been in the clubs in Europe. Like Germany or something like that. Which would make sense. But this is from France, this record that we're discussing. Yeah, because the label is... But they are shitty singers. Shitty shitty singers, the bad girls. They should be called

Starting point is 00:51:16 the bad singing girls. Or the girls that bad singing. What year is this? Does it say? It does not, but it must be. Because I'm thinking it must be like late 70s, early 80s. I'm just trying to figure out what that Come on and do the conga Where that came from. It's weird isn't it?

Starting point is 00:51:34 Because that seems to be like their sampling for their song. We may never know, we might have to do a follow up. If anyone knows who's listening about the conga Please do get in touch, thecheapshowatgmail.com Or on social media, whatever, like Beast Guy. I mean, the full name of this song is The Conger and it's got in brackets, I came, I saw, I congered. Yeah. We have done it, we have tried everyone.

Starting point is 00:51:54 But if you just type The Conger into search engines. It's too wide. It's too wide because then you get like the genre, then you get Gloria Estefan. But then sadly one of the top hits is You Get Black Lace. You Get Black Lace. You Get Black Lace. And the fact that Black Lace is representing the phrase, the conga, is offensive. They were damaging to culture, weren't they, as an entity? Because we covered that racist record they made last time, didn't we?

Starting point is 00:52:16 A Speaker De Lingo. Why do they overhang this segment and like a fucking ghost? Because Black Lace are like the patron saints of like shit and novelty 80s British music. They are. It's like they're synonymous within the genre. They almost define the sound of it. And that song defines it. It's party music and it's something that involves everyone. So it's got that line dance or oops upside your head. It has its wig fields, Saturday night, you know. There's that one cameo now

Starting point is 00:52:45 that they all sit down or whatever. What cameo one? There's a cameo one. What's it called? She's and everyone does a dance. She's candy. Yeah. Candy. That one. That doesn't really seem to lend itself to that though, does it? There's a dance somehow arrived.

Starting point is 00:52:57 Fair enough. There's things that just arise in clubs. I would think the conga was something that Black Leg nicked from a sort of holiday camp in Germany or something. That would be my guess. Maybe, but their whole thing was like, for instance, Agadu, which we know was copied from a German holiday camp song. Wasn't it like Superman? Well, no. Superman and Agadu both have songs that are similar in that they tell the people listening what to do on the dance floor.

Starting point is 00:53:21 So the conga is an easy way to get Mum and dad up and your nan on the dance floor. That's right. So although we don't know the origin, we can see why it caught on during that period. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Because it's a, it's a, yeah, and everyone gets involved. And then they killed it. Like, like Ralph's atmosphere. That's conga like. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:53:38 And it even has that bit in it, which is conga like with the song breaks down, go dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum,

Starting point is 00:53:52 Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum from Ninja Sex Party about this and he says in America you can just go ahead and make a cover, you pay one dollar or something for the right to do it to put on an album and I was like, really? That can't be that simple. Because I think in the UK it's much more involved. Well, let's look into it. I don't really want to do a cover of. Okay, fine. But I just think it would benefit from a really up-to-date version of a cover of it. It's not the worst song. We're not discussing that. What we're discussing on the spinach label is Bad Girls, Konga, I Came, I Saw, I Kongered. I sadly have to give this a splatter.

Starting point is 00:54:35 The singing's terrible. It seems tossed off. I do like the instrumentation and the marauder line. But apart from that, no, it falls apart. Like a part of a platter to me is like, regardless of like its intent, would I listen to it willingly again? Absolutely not. And the Bras on 45 and the Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch thing are both songs I would happily go,

Starting point is 00:54:56 oh, I'll put that on a playlist. Yeah. But not that, that annoys me. No, it's a splatter for me as well, but just interesting in it, Ray, I find these- Yeah, no, I agree. I absolutely agree with you. These things interesting, dances and bits of music that survive, you know, until the 80s.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Yeah. Listen, what do you call it? Did you say platter or splatter? It's a splatter for me as well. It's terrible. It's un-listenable. Right. You say that, but I'm about to give my third and final option. And can I have these things to introduce it properly? No, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. This is my fault. I'm just having a little look, Paul. I'll hand it to you. We've gone so deep into the 80s this week. It is.

Starting point is 00:55:34 This was our time. It's a particularly naff year. In 85, how old were you in 85? Like seven, I think. Oh, ten. Yeah. So this, we've had her before and she's back again. It's Sue Pollard, who was an actress, comedian, lots of sitcom performances in the 80s, early 90s. And this is a song called

Starting point is 00:55:51 Come To Me. I can give you what you need, whenever the sun don't shine. Let me be the one to ease your troubled mind Nothing could be so good Nothing could be so easy Whenever you need a friend I will be there with you To help you make it through So come to me

Starting point is 00:56:29 I am woman I can ease all the pain But then take my love I am woman, let me show you the way baby, come to me. I am woman, I care me. I think we can agree that was fucking awful. This is like sub Elaine Page ballad. Show school. But the thing with Sue Pollard is, you can tell she's obviously properly trained as

Starting point is 00:57:12 an actress and a singer. She went to stage school. Like every one of that generation. She must have in drama school, done musical theatre, right? Yeah. Had a musical theatre sort of. She came from a stage school. She must have come from a stage school. A place that forms out horrible, stilted child actors who all perform in the same fucking register.

Starting point is 00:57:29 And in this era they ended up in like Grange Hill and they ended up doing pop records. But nowadays in the last sort of 10, 20 years they all ended up in boy bands and girl bands didn't they? Yeah that's how it progressed. It progressed to that. They couldn't get an acting job so they started a boy band or girl band to get on the telly. So we both think she's got a trained voice and she's doing the Celine Dion at the end. She's giving it, giving it the beans at the end of it. Here's the thing though, I think, I think in all the songs we've heard from her so

Starting point is 00:57:55 far on this podcast, which is not that many, but enough, right? We did one early on in the podcast, we covered one, didn't we? It was a sitcom theme coming together or something like that. That's right. God, you see that all the way to this this day you see that in charity shows. The problem is, is I get the feeling that she's a belter. She really wants to hammer out big show tunes, but both of these songs- She does get to belt a bit at the end of the song. But they seem to restrain her voice, and so she puts this effective wobble on, as if to kind of pull back on it, blasting it out. It's not the greatest voice she's got, but it's capable. It's not the worst.

Starting point is 00:58:28 And you know what lets her down on both sides of this disc Paul, it's the material. It's the songwriting is completely generic shit. The backing is done terribly. The thing is, we got an A and B right to this. And the A side, what I would say is a substandard mid-80s ballad. Track A is called Come To Me, I Am Woman, which is a strange title. It infers to me that like, when you say I am woman, you're speaking for women. As a whole, you're talking for the whole gender there.

Starting point is 00:58:59 It's basically saying that Sue Pollard represents all women. And I don't think that's fair. Shaka Khan, I Am Every Woman. Yeah, but I buy it from Shaka't think that's fair. Shaka Khan, I'm every woman. Yeah, but I buy it from Shaka Khan. I buy it from Shaka Khan. You buy it from Shaka Khan? Didn't know she was in that game. No, if you put Sue Pollard and Shaka Khan, no I know, very vulgar and I don't appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:59:15 Okay, sorry. If I put Sue Pollard and Shaka Khan up on a stage and someone said, go to the one that represents woman, I'm going to Shaka Khan. Shaka Khan is one of the great voices I'd say of the late that represents woman. Yes. I'm going to Shaka Khan. Shaka Khan is one of the great voices, I'd say, of the late 20th century. Although if anyone does want to team up with Sue Pollard with Shaka Khan, I'll be up there. I was going to say, now, is it a bit sort of patriarchal? The sort of tone of I am woman coming to me. No, it just comes across as insincere.

Starting point is 00:59:37 You're the man, you do the work, I am woman. It's coming across as insincere. It's like, I am woman, I am gentle, I am everything you need. Yeah, it's a bit patriarchal. It's like, this is the role. I will fulfill this role in this romance. Maybe, but... You know what I mean? It's a shit song, whatever. Can I also say, if we are going to get a little

Starting point is 00:59:53 bit, you know, a little bit... What? Why are you doing wanky signs now? I like Pollard in that way. I can't continue with this podcast? No, can't you? Come on, fake workout. I can't share a podcast with a man who can't you? Come on, fake workout. I can't share a podcast with a man who holds erotic- I fancy Sue Pollard.

Starting point is 01:00:09 What is it about Sue Pollard that gets your rocks off? It's the short hair, the blondness and the glasses. And the big mouth. I like Sue Pollard. I like her like that. You know, when she's in her prime there. There's something- This has really become quite awkward.

Starting point is 01:00:24 She wasn't sold as a sex symbol, was she? They didn't go for that with her at all? No, they couldn't have. That might be sadly a drawback, which is why she went for this whole Lame Page. I keep saying Lame Page, but there are other examples I'm trying to get for you. Bonnie Tyler is a much better example. Well, okay.

Starting point is 01:00:40 So this is where we need to do a little incessant issue, because I want to put in side B. So this is side B called, do a little institutional because I want to put in side B. Okay can't seem to find a way back. You keep telling me that you want me. But you never have found that command. Oh, baby. You're playing around with my heart. Baby. playing around with my heart. Baby!

Starting point is 01:01:28 You finally tear us apart. Baby! I knew it was wrong from the start. I know you don't really want me. You know what I'm doing is madness. And look, even though it's still a crap song, I fucking love it. It's much better. I like the saxophone. It's got cheesy sax, it's got that vibe of a, I think it sounds like the sitcom music for some working woman in Chicago.

Starting point is 01:02:04 Yeah, it's the music that introduces like Entertainment USA, like live from... It's got an American 80s vibe. Like from Hollywood, here is whatever doing this. It could be that as well. With all the latest movie news. It's more up tempo, it's a better song. And Pollard wrote this one. And it's just better and I wonder why, I wonder if she was forced to put the insipid, slow ballad on the A side.

Starting point is 01:02:28 If you're going to make a single Sue, I would have gone with B, you don't really want me. It's more up tempo, more catchy, better song, better vocal performance, everything's better. She can kick it out a little bit better, she bellows it better. The weird thing, the mixed messaging though is like side A come to me, Iron Woman, side B, oh you don't really want me. It should have been the A side. I think they didn't know how to manage her pop career, did they? I think it's because when you sell a ballad, what you're doing is you're making it approachable

Starting point is 01:02:52 for women to buy your record. She can't reach out to men and say, buy me, because I'm a sex symbol. So she's reaching out to a broader audience, possibly older, who just want something a bit lovely to listen to. But I think mistaken, everyone's mistaken mistaken because she could have got more radio play with the B-side, couldn't she?

Starting point is 01:03:08 Yeah, but I just don't think... If people had taken notice of it. The track record though for this kind of artist is always low. For every Nick Berry who gets a number one with Every Loser Wins, there is... You've got three Sue Pollard singles. There's Sue Pollard, there's Lenny Henry, there's Russ Abbott who kind of just pop in and out and it's all a bit embarrassing and a little bit sad at the end of the day. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:28 And what was Sue Pollard's breakthrough performance as an actor? It would have been Heidi Heidt. It would have been Heidi Heidt. You know, she was a chalet maid, but she really wanted to be a yellow coat. I fancied pants off her in that role. Yeah, well, yeah. What? There's nothing problematic about that.

Starting point is 01:03:42 No, there's nothing problematic about you fan fancying Sue Pollard apart from the visual image in my mind of you giving her the beans. That's what it comes down to. Okay, now. I'll give you a yellow coat, a sticky yellow coat of my muckage. I need to ask you, Paul. It's a splatter. I would give it...

Starting point is 01:03:58 A partial platter for B. I would give it a partial platter for B, because I did... We were rocking out to that weren't we? Yeah. Quite unironically. It has some gumpf. It has some gumpf, Paul. I think she was undersold because whatever Rainbow Records is, and it ain't the same

Starting point is 01:04:14 Rainbow Records that did the story tapes, but I can't imagine Rainbow Records having much of an impact on the Radio 1 A-list playlist. Anyway, final choice for me was that. Mixed, mixed overall feelings on this. You, you've only had one of your three selections. Only one was a, a bonafide platter and that was the Ivor Biggan. Well that's fine. What is your final track Mr Silverman? I feel it's not going to be, I think it will be a platter, but it's a strange one Paul.

Starting point is 01:04:41 It's a strange one. Let's have a little bit listen, we're going to have to have, listen to both sides of this as well. So should we play the first side and then have a little chat? Yeah, then we'll come back to it. So what is this one? OK, this is Water Wally. Oh, yeah. And the artist is Sharon. When I wake up in the morning, me old man's ran a telly, he thinks watching the aerobics will take inches off his belly, well he still wears extra trousers, says me friends are

Starting point is 01:05:22 queer, cause they like to rant around and can't drink fifteen pints of beer He doesn't seem to notice that it's 1983 He says all his modern music rubbish stands the same to me If it's Vigil, she's a girl And culture clubs are disco If it's flow, her power's alive and well And livin' in San Francisco, Walla Walla Walla Wallo! Wallo Wallo! Wallo Wallo!

Starting point is 01:05:48 Wallo Wallo! Wallo Wallo! Wallo Wallo! Wallo Wallo! This world is full of Wallo's. Well it's an odd one. It's a novelty song and we should say there was the word Pufftters or whatever in it wasn't there?

Starting point is 01:06:06 Doesn't she say Pufters or something? Queer. But she's mocking her father. That's the thing. Yes. It's old-fashioned Yeah, and bigoted perhaps. Because there's not much to say about this because when we looked into the artist Sharon It turned out she was a bit of a session singer from like the late 70s early 80s and was in a some It turned out she was a bit of a session singer from like the late 70s, early 80s. And was in some post-punk, new wave, electronica sort of groups from then. It was a really interesting time if you're into electronic music. Think people like Human League. Oh, okay, the coming off the craft work kind of stuff. Yeah, that kind of stuff was really...

Starting point is 01:06:36 And Gary Newman, who we've mentioned before. Yeah, I really like it. It was quite experimental as far as pop music went, you know. And then it became codified by like 84, you have Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran. And it's much more produced and much more kind of vision forward. Commercial. Yeah, the thing is this song in itself is

Starting point is 01:06:56 it has the same vibe as Jilted John, you know, it's got that kind of character storytelling thing going on. It doesn't know whether to be full on comedy, novelty or be a pop record or so it's falling between the trees, isn't it? The stools. It's like The Waitresses, you know, I know what boys like. Yeah, there's a punk thing to her delivery, a sort of spoken word punky thing to her delivery.

Starting point is 01:07:16 And it's fine. Overall, it's a fine track. I can easily imagine why it wouldn't have gotten much airplay outside of maybe John Peel playing it once. But it's almost it's like trying to be a hit, isn't it? It's weird. Side note by the way, Johnny Rotten, off of the Sex Pistols, in an interview with the BBC back in the early 80s, once recommended the Winker song by Ivor Biggan as one of his favourite hits of that year. Yeah, but he's also, he's a professional contrarian, isn't he? Yeah, he's a professional contrarian. But that is interesting.

Starting point is 01:07:44 also he's a professional contrarian isn't it? Yeah he's a professional contrarian. But that is interesting. The B side we listen to and the B side... We should say as well, like a lot of the songs we've got tonight, listen to today, referencing pop cultural things from that era, the early to mid 80s, and this goes for it as well doesn't it? Because he's watching stuff on the telly on What A Wally and Wally was a big word then wasn't it? Do you remember Wally was like, you called people Wally's then? Yeah and it was... You'd call someone a...

Starting point is 01:08:11 A bozo. Now what would you call them today? An idiot? Cunt. Yeah. You're such a Wally. It is a very 80s word. It is. That's what I'm trying to say. Brilliant as well. What was the name of that character that had its nose over the wall and went like what no biscuits or whatever it was?

Starting point is 01:08:24 He was called Wally wasn't it? Was it Wally though? Was he? No we've done this on the podcast we should know He's called Seamus or something We've also done 418 episodes so He's called Seamus or Digbert? Digbert? No Seamus Digbert Oh shall I just look it up? I'll do my voice search Err no we're not doing your voice search I'll do my voice search What was the character with his nose over the wall called? Mr Chad. Kilroy.

Starting point is 01:08:48 It says Mr Chad here. Well you got it wrong mate, I'm sorry. No, because Mr Chad was known since the second world war. It's definitely Kilroy though isn't it? Do you remember now? It's Kilroy as well, but that's the American one. Ah, I see. So there's the British one, it's Chad, and this is a fucking British podcast.

Starting point is 01:09:02 And we'll be calling it Mr Chad. Okay, let's call it Mr. Chad. Yeah, so Mr. Chad. Chad is another thing that people people Chad's now don't they? No, Chode. Chad. Chode. Chad Chode.

Starting point is 01:09:13 Chode is a very large shaft with a very small penis on the end and also a poo. Is it? Yeah. What do you mean? Like with a small- It's a particular type of penis with a small glands. Yeah, with small glands on top. Small glands, big shaft.

Starting point is 01:09:26 Like one of those mushrooms where the stalk is bigger. Like an aerosol can. With a big chunky shaft and a little niblet on the top. More like... How does that even work? That's weird, isn't it? What a hog... Some people are into them.

Starting point is 01:09:37 Is that what people call a hog? No. You could have a hog that was a chode. Yeah, but you can't have a chode that was a hog. Yeah, a hog is a general term for penis. For the whole lot. It's the hog. Not just the glands' penis. No, but you can't have a chode that was a hog. Yeah, a hog is a general term for penis. But what about the whole lot? It's the hog, you know. Not just the glans penis. No, the glans is the helmet. Is it? Yeah. So it's a big shaft tiny helmet. I don't know how many times you want me to say this. Big shaft, tiny helmet, what do you do? Anyway, very much a reference to ooh, love on a tie

Starting point is 01:10:28 You're as fast as the last remaining space invader You're a 55,000-scored asteroid If you didn't have that hair, you'd look a bit like Darth Vader You're a little flash golden when you're out with the boys But you're a real non-starter when you go out with me There are some things in life that you can't get rid of Oh, you'd be happier with the Atari version of love Ooh, you can't get love on a starling

Starting point is 01:11:05 Oh no Ooh, you can't get love on a starling And what an interesting track that was! I like that one. Genuinely, as a piece of music, I like that. So obviously- You can see the budget limitations with it, but- I mean, the disc that I picked up is very fucked. So it probably sound better from the online.

Starting point is 01:11:27 Well, yeah, I might try and pull it from online. But it's got like music things like it's got a stereo sort of pan in it and it's got lovely keyboards. I like the chorus. I think it does have genuine Atari sound effects on it though. Yeah. I like the chorus. Her multi-tracked sort of electronic voice is nice.

Starting point is 01:11:44 Ethereal, yeah. It's almost got that kind of a 10cc, I'm not in love kind of vibe to it. It's not bad at all, really. And on a little compilation of sort of obscure electro pop of the era, that would fit right in. Oh God, yeah, this is, you know, the footprints of this song in history is almost nil. It's zero. All I could find out is that the woman who sings it was also in two other weird new wavy bands. And she's called Sharon Abbott. Yes. And I couldn't even find out what happened to her afterwards.

Starting point is 01:12:13 I know. It's like she was in a band that was named after some kind of weird electronica weird thing. It was called Poem Electronique. Yes. And then there was the Novelle Twins or something. Yeah. So she was involved in some of the stuff, the scene then.

Starting point is 01:12:25 One of the reasons we discovered why this might not have charted or made any impact is it's released on a German label, Areola. So that would make sense when you think about what the record looks like. And the little spindle is a little titty nipple, isn't it? Yeah, but think about that one. That's not why they called it that. Is that why though, when you're like a DJ and you see one big turntable here with a little nipple in it and one big turntable here and you're mixing you think oh I've got big tits in me hands. No because it's very different in terms of the sensation. Flicking the power button underneath and you're like rubbing the record. 12 inches of you, put it around, mixing it all, oh yeah I'm rubbing the a areola of my 12 inch. Here we go. Yes, you're right. Flicking it. And then someone goes, have you got rumours by the Fleetwoods of Mac?

Starting point is 01:13:11 The Fleetwoods of Mac. Now, I like both sides and I'm gonna give it a platter. And I actually really like, that's my favourite piece of music as an actual, unironically today, was Love on Atari by Sharon. It didn't hit me as hard as it hit you, but yeah, I will agree. I mean, it's a like, apart from Sue Pollard, frankly, there's been an intro, well that's not true, apart from Sue Pollard and Captain Croc, there's been an interesting selection of stuff here, and they've all fallen into the kind of good time party adjacent British experience. Yes, but the Dozy D... Dave D, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch.

Starting point is 01:13:46 Yeah, that one is from like 15 years earlier. Yeah, that's the outlier, really. But everything else, there's a weird theme going through. There's a lot of things thematically linking these, Paul. Like a thatch, like a thatched roof. Like a weft. There's a weft and a thatch. Yes. And a whim, a whim of my weft and my thatch and my thought of thatch. Oh, I think the whim's gone. A whim away. That's that tune as well, isn't it? It's all coming round. Did you hear my joke though, Paul? I think the whim's gone. A whim away. Oh, so we need to say, I need you to say, platter for that.

Starting point is 01:14:24 I'm going to give that a platter, a minor platter. And what was your favourite? That sounded like a milk man. What the fuck's going on with the street outside? It was the jingle jangle of the milk man. We wear the jingle jangle of the milk man. He comes with his creamy top. And he has his creamy top.

Starting point is 01:14:40 Oh, you just said what I said. He just said what I said. Well done. Really improvisation Paul. I feel sick. Hey mate, you see that whim? He just went away. Oh fuck off. Whim away, whim away, whim away, whim away, whim away, whim away, whim away. No, I need to ask you.

Starting point is 01:14:55 What was your favourite piece of music of this whole week? Please. I'm torn between the A side of Ivor Biggan and the Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Titch thing. Just listenability. I'm going to ask you to come down and say which was your favourite platter today, please. I think I'm going to come down on the Biggan. Okay, fine. That did, it was perhaps the most surprising for me in terms of like thinking, wow, a lot of work has gone into this. It's a stupid song.

Starting point is 01:15:21 And it's a lot of layered references and you know, they don't make novelty comedy records like they used to back in the old days. Oh, anyway. By the way, Paul. Oh, do you want me to check on? No, but I've got Rob. Well, I tell you what, I've got to tidy all this up. Let's bring him in now. We can wrap this up. I'll get Rob here because he wants... What, you want me to drop me a job? I think he wants just to wank into the cupboard. He can do it in the box if he wants. It's nailed up. He can just do it through one of the slats. We'll see what he says.

Starting point is 01:15:52 Because he might have been on some travel, he might have travelled widely or something. Do you want to take this Sue Pollard record and go to the corner next to the box? No, I don't do that. It's the dog, it was mainly the dog. You always bait the dog, but I know you're muck when I see it I know we both admitted we both have come in in track box cupboard once or twice it's six or seven charge booth eight times eight times total once a week for the last two years I like to call it a Baker's dozen. I'm gonna get Robin. Let's get him in. You alright Rob? how have you been?

Starting point is 01:16:25 Oh, I'm dead. Come and sit down mate. I sit down. Come and sit down, come on. Hello, why the travel vlog? Eli's just popped out to make me a cup of tea. Oh, yeah, it's very nice. I don't drink tea.

Starting point is 01:16:37 Yeah, alright, well do you want a coffee? I don't drink that. What do you drink? Water. Alright. I have a very... Eli, he wants water instead please. I want some water.

Starting point is 01:16:47 That was the captain of the ship calling. They're... I've been very... I've been travelling, you know. Where have you been? Very far and wide. Where from? I went from next door, and then I came into here. I've come next door to here. That's quite far for you. Very far for me.

Starting point is 01:17:07 That's like what, at least a couple of metres? Something like that? Very, very, very far. Anyway, what do you want since you've come here? Because we've just wrapped up the podcast. It's the track box. I've got a correspondence with Trapbox. Who have you got with Trapbox? We've been having a correspondence. He's very interested in travel at City as well as music.

Starting point is 01:17:28 Okay, well you can go to his booth if you want. He's not in there. He's not in there though. Why is he not there? He's not... He's charging up separately. I need him to be in there. When I...

Starting point is 01:17:36 You don't need him to be in there do you? Does it help if Trapbot's in there? I can see through the little window in the door that... It's all boarded up. It's boarded up. What am I going to do? Well we've given him a new charge pack. Oh yeah?

Starting point is 01:17:47 So it means no one needs to come in his booth anymore. Where is he? Where is he? Hang on, let me just go get him. He's out in the hallway charging. Hang on, here we go. Stay there for a minute. Oh, okay, I'll just go. If you want to use the booth, go use his booth. No, it doesn't look like it's in working order anymore.

Starting point is 01:18:01 Oh, here he comes. What's that in his mouth? What's that in his mouth? Oh, what's that in his mouth? What's that in his mouth? Oh, that's the charge pipe that goes from the wall into his mouth. It's quite fleshy looking. No, don't pull it out of the wall. Do not pull it out of the wall. Oh, I can't control myself. Oh, God, it's got great suction. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:18:12 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:18:20 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh great suction! Oh god! Rack-a-pot! Rack-a-pot! I've snorted! Oh, track-a-pot He's snorted.

Starting point is 01:18:45 Hey, I've got some water. Rob, get... Put your trousers on! I told him he tried to fuck... Get out of here, you disgusting, hairy man! He tried to fuck Trackbot's charging cable pipe. I'm sorry. I've got to unscrew it. Get out of here, Rob. I've got to unscrew Trackbot's pipe.

Starting point is 01:19:03 Put him on charge. Trackbot couldn't breathe. I felt his muck come down my throat. Sorry Trackbot, sorry about that. It was quite nice. Taste of baked beans. I don't know why travelling Rob has baked bean flavour come. That's all he eats. He claims that he's like a connoisseur of the world cuisine and he eats beans. All he eats is beans. Yeah, he doesn't leave his house and he just eats beans. He lives next door, he never leaves his house, all he eats is beans. I don't want that man here anymore.

Starting point is 01:19:37 Don't worry Trackbot, he's not coming round here anymore. Yeah, so if you want to charge up again, Trackbot, now he's gone if you want. Yeah, do you want me to screw it in Paul? Yeah, screw it back want to charge up again track, but now he's gone if you want you want me to screw it in pull Yeah, screw it back in track So mate we can wrap up now if you want to go. What, we should leave together? No, no, you can go next. I'll tidy up an ear. If you want to go, I'll make sure Trackbot's alright.

Starting point is 01:20:14 Okay, bye then. Yeah, just say goodbye. Bye, bye everyone, that was Cheap Show, bye. You can go now, mate. Alright. You'll be alright, shall I? Yeah, yeah, I'm just going to tidy up an ear. I'm just going to make sure everything's alright with trackbot and stuff. Alright see ya. Right where's that pipe? Right I'm going to stick my chod in. Here we go. I'm going to turn Oh yeah, that's it Trackbot, that's it Trackbot, that's it Trackbot, download my muck, download my muck, go out there! Oh god. Oh, it's a good flesh bite.

Starting point is 01:21:09 Oh no. You're as bad as everyone else. You're as bad as that dog. Mate, mate, hang on. Have a go. Go on, have a go. It's good piping. It's not hygienic. It's fine. I'll clean it off Have a go of it. Why am I so turned on? Come on. Trackbot's loving it. Look at Trackbot's eyes. Oh, it kind of shakes the place Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl That's how we're ending this week's edition of Cheap Show. You wanted trackbot, you got trackbot. Trackbot got it.

Starting point is 01:21:48 Oh, what a dark way to end the episode. Do some housework. Oh, cheapshow.com, something like that, innit? The patrons. No, hang on. Everything's on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Go there and you'll find everything you want for Cheap Show. We're all around the world and you'll find us at that website.

Starting point is 01:22:04 And we have fantastic patrons who support us on the Patreon platform. If you want to join them and get access to Nightbusting podcasts, early access to our YouTube series, intermittent magazines from event, extra videos, extra podcasts, behind the scenes stuff. It's all at Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. What's Nightbussing? Well it's a podcast. We showed an episode last week didn't we? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:30 As a little teaser taster. Just saying. Just saying, so yeah we go on nightbusses. We go on nightbusses. And we record the whole fucking thing. And we were discussing today, perhaps expanding the franchise to other cities in the UK. It's a thought. It is a thought.

Starting point is 01:22:42 There are nightbusses elsewhere in the country. There are nightbusses services elsewhere. But there are also big boys. There's big boys. It is a thought. There are night buses elsewhere in the country. There are night busses services elsewhere. But there are also big boys. There's big boys. Big boys. Big boys. Big boys out there as well. So different type of big boys. Northern big boys. And they're harder.

Starting point is 01:22:53 They're harder. Than the southern shite big boys. Oh yeah, not all southern softies. No, there's big boys. Big boys. Stop! Big boys. You've just spent your whole load several times into a robot's gob. Yeah, but now you're talking about bad boys on a night bus up north.

Starting point is 01:23:09 I bet that is some people's specific fantasy. It's in that book of unusual sexual practices I read last week. Anyway, thanks for listening everybody. I've been Eli Silverman. And I've been Paul Gannon and we'll see you next week on another podcast where we find treasure amongst the trash. Oh, we will. Good night, goodbye, good morrow, good eve treasure amongst the trash. Oh, we will. Good night. Goodbye. Good morrow. Good eve.

Starting point is 01:23:27 Good morn. Tonight, today. Tonight, today. Let's do the conga. Boo boo boo boo boo boo. Atari.

CheapShow - Ep 418: Congas, Crocs & Wallys

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.