CheapShow - Ep 419: Genital Snacks

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

It’s Snack Time again on CheapShow and Paul and Eli have been luckily gifted with some treats from Austria! They have multi-flavoured wafers, garlic crisps, gummies, chocolate treats and fizzy drinks to guzzle and enjoy… But there is also something looming in the background, waiting to show its face… A snack CheapShow promised to eat a long time ago but could never get their hands on. They both hoped you’d forgotten about them, but one PO Box donation later, and the Cheap Chaps will finally have to face eating those “Dick” and “Pussy” flavoured crisps. What the hell do genital snacks even taste like? Sadly, Paul and Eli are about to find out. To make things worse, there is a Doctor Gustav lurking too, desperate to see everyone’s bum hole. Is this week’s episode a new low? There is only one way, sadly, to find out… See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-419-genital-snacks And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Thanks also to @vorratony for the wonderful, exclusive art & merch: www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Winter dick. That's how we're starting. And what is winter dick? Something I spotted, Paul. Tell me more about winter dick. It's when your dick goes too small so you can't have it off. In the winter? That's what I'm saying. So I've got a case of winter dick.

I've always got a case of winter dick. I've got permafrost. Right across your cock head. No, it's no, it's a real thing. My cock is the icy tundra of which no lady will venture near. Icy nubbin' in the snow, winky winky. It's a real thing. My cock is the icy tundra of which no lady will venture near. Icy nubbin' in the snow, winky winky! Your ball bag looks like a Yeti's house. Don't know what that means.

No, that's... But in the moment, and this is the important thing, I thought it was funny. Yeah, but you were wrong. But you know what? That's the great thing about it. No, it's Winter Dick. Why won't you address the issue? What do you want me to do about it?

Warm it up in my hands? Is that something you've experienced when you've been trying to have it on? Because I've got summer long dick all day long nice warm hot hot dick. Have you got summer aisle dick? No. It has a little hood and it's like into folk horror. And you put it in a wicker basket. Oh chicken in a basket! Hi everyone. Hello everyone it's the podcast you all adore Cheap Show and I'm Paul Gannon and that's Eli and this is a cold open. This is the bit where we kind of set the scene, set the tone before the credits come in and then hey take you on a trip to cheapo wonderland. Spring Fanny. Yes. What about Autumn Fanny? Autumn Fanny of my life. Spring Bumhole. Anything

else you want to add to this? Tundra, that's a good one. I think we should incorporate... I've got a terrible case of tundra clunge. Or you should go see Doctor. Oh, that reminds me. Actually, that reminds me. Alright, we're going to get into the credits. See you after this. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello Cheap Show time, I'm Paul Gannon. Who's that? Eli. We don't know.

We'll never know. No, shut up. Give me another take. You fucking dictator. Eli died on his. We'll never know. No, shut up! Give me another take. You fucking dictator. Eli died on his way home to his planet. Go. I'll go. I'm Paul Gannon and this-

You're gonna keep this in anyway. I know you will. For laughs. That's not your real name. For fucking laughs you're gonna keep it in. Sorry, I had a gut- a gurgle. A little gurgle there. Sorry everyone, making this much worse now.

You are actually. It's like this is the very, very living definition of the term digging a hole for yourself. Living death-inition. You've infected me. No one knows who you are yet. I'm Eli Silverman. Hello, I'm the co-host of Cheap Show. And what's Cheap Show all about, Paul? Well, it's the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain bins, poundland, thrift stores, jumble sales. All sorts of places. All sorts of cheap places to look for the treasure that could exist amongst that trash.

It does. It's there. It's potential, potential treasure. Could be a board game, could be a book, could be a toy, could be an item of clothing, could be some food, could be anything, could be something you listen to. Watch, lick, and today we're going to be doing a lot of licking. A lot of munching and licking and sniffing? Puffing? Because we've been given a load of stuff. Snuffing. We've been given a load. Snorting cocaine?

I'm not doing it. I want to list S and N words. Go on then. Snort. Right. Snuff. Right. Snake. Anymore. I'm sorry Paul. I'm sorry. Anymore? I want to see you get you completely out of your system so I can finish a sentence. Snorvance. Does that count? I can't even finish the sentence where I want to say I want to finish a sentence. I'm sorry, mate I'm very and also snorbit isn't SN is it? Sc8 that guy that was his whole thing. He came on stage and he had a dog Hey Bernie, now that you've left your brother in the double act. What's your next big thing for a 1984 dog? Dog sorry dog the double act, what's your next big thing for 1984? Dog. Anyway, sorry, Paul. Dog. Paul, I've collected myself.

Yeah. Just, and I would like to ask you what we got coming up on the show. Well, did you have something to do? Sorry. I'm doing it again. This is what I keep saying. This is what I keep saying. We might not be able to do this week's episode because I was looking the Cheap Show contracts and you haven't had your medical in a few years and so we're not allowed to do the podcast until you have your medical. So I've got a doctor in the Cheap Show doctor. Where are they? They're waiting. Is that who that is

outside waiting? He's in his little office. I was going to send you to him. Doctor hands free. I could do it with the name. Jesus., that's Jesus Paul. What was that all about? His name is Doctor Mustaf Gustaf. Okay. Mustaf Gustaf. I'm just going for a check up. Just go in, I'll wait here while you're doing that. So go on, see you in a bit. Hello.

Yes, come in please. Hello, Dr Mustapha. Gustav, yes, please come in. You are Eli Silverman, yes? Hello, doctor, yes. Is it okay to sit here? Yes, please sit down. I don't know what I'm here for. Paul just sent me up. I don't even have a contract.

That would be a fucking thing to have a contract, wouldn't it? Fuck me. It is up to me to give you the medical so you can go back to the shop. Doctor? Doctor, I have to go back and do the podcast. Yeah, this is no rush. Paulus tells me he got plenty of time. Yeah, no worries, but good guy. Yeah, it's fine. Okay. Now let's cut to the chase though, Doctor. Oh yeah. I'm a real doctor.

I've got better things to do. Oh no, you don't. You don't. What I hear. Doctor, you want to look up or put things up my. Oh no, you don't. You don't, don't, from what I hear. No. Doctor, you want to look up or put things up my arsehole, don't you? That's where this is going. I'm just taking my list now and it says... I can see the list, I can read upside down, it says put or look up arsehole. That's not a list, that's one sentence.

It says... Put things up arsehole. I can read upside down. And you're not a real doctor because I can read that handwriting. You can't read it because actually it's just a couple of words. It says, Paul's bumhole bellowed. That's five words, you idiot. I said a couple of words.

And where did you get your diploma? In the hospital in Geneva. All right, I'm going back downstairs now. Not until I see your bumhole. I knew it. Show me your bumhole. Okay. I just need you to go behind that screen, go behind that screen and take off all your clothes. One, two, three, take them off. I'm going to need your nude for this one. Yeah buddy. I put it to you. Yeah it's good. You didn't have a thing to do at the beginning of the show and you are not a doctor and you are a very rude man.

Show me your bumhole. I'm going. It's dirty. It's dirty. Goodbye doctor. I'm back from my checkup. Well we can't do the podcast. Why?

Because he just messaged me. Oh he messaged you now did he? Well, since we're doing business. He didn't do his bumhole. Last week's business. We can't, you can't be in the podcast. I have to mention this then. You can't be in the podcast.

I'm going to go and get my doctor. I'm going to go and get my doctor. I'm going to go and get my doctor. I'm going to go and get my doctor. I'm going to go and get my doctor. Oh he messaged you now did he? Well, since we're doing business. He didn't do his bumhole. Last week's business. We can't, you can't be in the podcast. I have to mention this then. You can't be in the podcast until I see, until he sees your bumhole. What the fuck man. You don't want to see my bumhole. You don't want to see. I'm almost 50. I've had a life. I've eaten stuff, you know. Talking though of stuff from last week.

Is it like one big dead disused web? I did get an email. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, go on. Do you get emails on your hand? Wide traveled Rob. Oh yeah.

But it's not Rob, it's Rod and that's what he's upset about. He says, are you doing character work now? Please. No, this is what the email says. Right. On your hand. The email that you get in your palm. I've got one of those things.

What robot hands? No, those things that project from a hidden thing onto your hand. Yeah, things that don't exist according to Captain Disillusion and no, couldn't exist. Dear Eli. Right, here we go, he's going with it. Seven minutes. Please refer to me by my real name, Rod. Wide traveling Rod. Thank you. So you made the mistake then of calling him, you must have made the mistake of calling him Rod. I did, yeah, but it's Rod. That's terrible. And then there's a lot of stuff here which I won't read out, Paul. He still wants to be on the show though, doesn't he? Yeah, it's all this stuff about how he wants to spunk in and onto Trackbot.

All I will say is that if he wants to do that, I need to see his bumhole. The doctor needs to see his bumhole too. Okay, well I'll bring... I need to see all bumholes of people who appear on this show going forward. Fine with me. I'll take a picture of my bumhole and I'll put it on a Polaroid and I'll put it under your door. A Polaroid you mean? A bumleroid.

Hi, I'm Lord Bumleroid. I think you'll find my Polaroid shows my hemorrhoids. Hey, I'm a rock and roller. Lord Bumleroid. What goes with my gag about bumholes and Polaroids? No, it doesn't matter. It's not funny anymore if I just say, oh, your polaroids have got your pola- Pola-adler? Pola-polar- I've forgotten the word now.

Polaroids have shown my polar hemorrhoids off. Yes. See, it's not good now, is it? You've ruined it. I have taken a polaroid of your hemorrhoid. Right, anyway, this week- That's the joke, essentially. Character stuff done.

Character stuff done. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. We've got a food based episode this week because after our live show in October, we got given a load of goodies and so today, finally, after getting them back off Tom from Channel 84, thank you Tom for looking after them for us. I remember handing them over and him saying we're walking, it was like a 15 minute walk to the car, too loaded down they were with heftage. Heftage bags. Bags of heft. I was already two sheets to the wind by then. You were more than

a few sheets. What a lovely afternoon it was. It was. I was plied with double gin and tonics. Yes, lovely time for you. I had to go to work. Right, anyway, so let's get into it because we've got one of those bags now to rumble through and guess what? It's full of food and drinks. Food and drinky poos. Spoiler warning for the end of the episode. It's going to get mucky. So bear with us when we get there. Until then, I just put a sound effect. I'll let you choose. I like to do that every now and then. What sound effect would you like? What we working with?

Got bin lids clattering. We've got a cash till going to ching, we've got pans shaking cash, cash in a pocket, spinning a coin, a fruit machine. I like the sort of blip blip blip blip blip blip blip. A cash machine. Beep be dee beep beep. Vroom tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk t it despite me. Well, you won't know until you listen to the episode and I know you never do so I'll just... I do listen, I just haven't listened to last week so I was catching up on Digitiser level 2. Oh, which is out, but I think that'll be out by now, by the time this comes out. Which you appear in and apparently I'm in at the end. Yeah, you're in it a little bit too. It's fun times. Anyway, no, because I'm a good friend, because I'm a good friend and want to harbour goodwill for this year, I will give you the sound effect you want right now. Behold! A papered letter in my hand with scribbles upon. That looked like words. And just to be clear, this came with a whole bunch of stuff from someone at the live show. It did. We're going to find out who that was, but we're not going to get through all the stuff

because we've pulled some things out. Pilford? Pilford some things for maybe a Cheap Shots video or a later Cheap Show episode. So it's not the whole garbage. Can we pause one second there just to say thank you. Thank you. To everyone who donates and sends us stuff because wow. Yes, if you want to send us anything to the PO box, there is the address in the description

on this episode on the podcast app of your choice. Sources, noodles. And this one comes from, oh, it's called things. All the best, Michael from Vienna. Hello, Michael. I remember him handing me. Calling Vienna. Wasn't that a Falco song? Wow!

Vienna calling! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I bet that got confused with... Oh, Vienna! Oh, Viennetta! By Matura. Oh yeah, that's probably one I should have done. I just wanted to go for a deeper dive. That's a deep cut. I hadn't heard that in years.

Vienna calling! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! I don't know if that's how it goes to be fair O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- I like it when he does it, Paul. Right, let's get into this letter. As it go, oh Vienna, oh oh oh! Oh Vienna, brum brum brum, tsh tsh, brum brum, brum brum brum, tsh tsh. Bravo to the mighty. No, what does the other song go? What, Vienna? No, the one you sang on the Falco B-side. Vienna go, I've got it on 7 inch somewhere down there.

That's a fucking bang, that bangs. I think I've got that literally on seven inch down there somewhere. Anyway, the letter. Michael. From Michael from Vienna. Hello. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Dear Eli and Paul, after being a fan and listener for many years, I'm super happy to see you live.

So obviously Michael came to the live show. Thank you. I hope we were on our best behavior when we shook hands. He had to run off. Oh, was that why? One of the first people who approached me afterwards, I believe. Oh, in that case, apologies if we didn't get to press the flesh.

Probably to go back to Vienna. I went back and found the episode, Some Stuff I Sent Him, was featured on, episode 169, and decided to send you more sweet treats from Austria. Hello. First, you get the rest of the flavors of the Manor wafers. That's the thing that comes in the tin. We'll get to that in a bit. A lovely tin. We're going to read this out first and then we're going to dive in. Oh, that's right.

This is so that people can realize I've actually got paper in my hand. He's got paper in his hand. It's not the only thing he's had in his hand. I'm still a fan of the classic something ones, but I was pleasantly surprised by the coconut ones and lemon being my least favorite. I like the lemon the most. I didn't know there was a lemon. Oh that's nice on a wafer because it's not that that bite goes with the crispy white lightness but Paul yeah when he says I was surprised by what did he say what was the first flavor he mentioned? I couldn't read the word. No. The coconut one. Coconut Fuck off, get out of here. What's wrong with coconut? I don't like coconut flavoured sweets. Yeah, but that's a subjective point of view.

I'm just putting my point of view in. Oh, it's not wanted. I'd love to get your opinion on them. We'll be providing that, Michael, don't you worry. He sent some crisps, they are some flugelwageldugel. They're garlic. And let me tell you, I took the liberty Paul, of on that day or the next week opening and they are fucking great. Spoiler warning, those garlic crisps that you've gathered up the remaining pack. Yeah, so the bag had burst a little bit in the box. Oh, you hadn't actually eaten any? No, no, no, no, no. I literally just, it would pop and some crisps would come out. So I sealed

it with tape. They should be okay then. But let me tell you, one of my any? No, no, no, no, I literally just, it would pop and some crisps would come out so I sealed it with tape. They should be okay then. But let me tell you, one of my favourite crisps, and I don't say this lightly, I don't, you know, one of my favourite crisps we've had all time. They are garlic-y. Oh, these are the garlic ones? Sorry, yeah, I thought I heard what it says and I couldn't read it but fine, fair enough. There is also some Strudel-Dudler, which is an Austrian soda. We're going to get to that in a bit. We've got some soda. It's not called Strudel-Dudel, Impo, you offensive cunt. What's it called?

Don't look at your phone! I'm turning it off. All eyes on Ganon at all times. All eyes on Ganon. Oh, the drink! Almadulex. Now, how do you pronounce that, do you think? Almadula. Amadula, Amadula.

Or Amadula. Don't, you're mocking the Austrians now. Oh, you pronounce that do you think? Amadoula. Amadoula, amadoula, or amadoula. Don't be mocking the Austrians now. How long before the Schwarzenegger impression? He's Austrian. Amadoula. Just like that. Not like that. Just like that. How about that then? All roads. With you doing impressions, all roads lead to Savile. Savile Row. Don't, I mean let's... I went to get clothes on Savile Row and came out with a tracksuit and some medallions. You know, all in. Yeah, so this is some kind of soda.

Yes. Does he say anything in the letter, Paul? With a lot of nostalgia, they really come it up with a logo from what I understand. They are not so unsupport. I don't know. Sorry, the handwriting is a little bit faded and I have poor sight. This is embarrassing. But also he's got... But look, he's what he's referring to there. If you look at the label, they are very traditionally sort of Austrian looking. Yes. Sort of with the trousers and things and hats and things. There's two tins. This is what I'm interested in, the actual minutiae of this Paul, because one is Marte and Guarana, both of which are basically coffee analogues in terms of

they're two other things. Marte is a type of tea that they drink in South America, which has caffeine, and Guarana is a type of root which also has caffeine, its own form of caffeine. What he says here is that that one you're talking about just then, no the other one. The Marte and guarana. Yeah he says that is, let me just find the sentence, he drinks more than he should, it has a similar level of caffeine to coffee and Red Bull but doesn't taste like every drink to me. Okay, well we'll be tasting that. I'm sorry, it doesn't taste like an energy drink to me.

Alright, fair enough. Interesting. Listen, you drink more than you should, Michael, but let me tell you, let me let you into a little secret now. What am I fucking chugging as we speak? The old boost, the old cheap boost. Sugar free boost, apple and raspberry flavour for 75p, so. Ding dong.

Guilty. Then we've got some sweets, we've got the sport gummy gummies which are also very nostalgic. Sport is always associated with things that are bad for you, like Ritter Sport, that chocolate... Yeah. It's weird. And are made by the company who also made PEE. I don't know what that is but I'm presuming it's maybe another candy that has a reasonably funny name because of the translation issues. Do you remember we tried that sport cola that was Swedish? Yes.

And that was nice. Lovely. So yeah, so you got those and Eli specifically, I got some hot sauces. They're the things we've taken out for later episodes. Three crafty looking hot sauces. We will be tasting those. They look very nice. Thank you very much.

Yeah, so we'll get into that properly next time on a video or another episode. I dropped in some other sweets as well because they're nostalgic. The Wiener Zucker, they're basically fruit sweets. And the Draggy Keltke or Kelsey are also added. They're hard not to eat a bag once they're open. Yeah, I've been up with that. I'm like that with fucking golden bears with Haribo. Yeah.

So we can reseal this. I ain't gonna need that shit. You know what happened with that with me with those Mayn with Haribo. Yeah. So we can reseal this. I ain't going to need that shit. You know what happened with that with me, with those Maynards Halloween ones? Yeah. The wine guns. Yeah, the Beetlejuice ones. Fuck me. They were fucking great. I hope you enjoy what I send in and find one or two of the things that you like.

Thanks for all the laughter, lifting the spirits when I'm down. Thank you very much, Michael from Vienna. Sorry, I badly wrote that down. Read that out. Sorry that I badly did both those things. Are you Michael? Is that what you're revealing there? Yeah, I'm Michael. I've said some comedy. I've said some candy and sweeties. Right, so with all that being said, let's get into it. What do you want to start with? I think we should start with whatever. No, I'm going to let Daddy Eli pick.

Well, the stuff isn't here. It's behind me. We've got the wafers, the gummies, the crisps. I think we should go for the crisps at the end because they really will tame everything else you eat after that. Let's start with the wafers then. Alright? It's like intense raw garlic flavour.

Waiter, please bring in the first snack. Okay! We're gonna do a character. Alright, I'm the waiter. Alright, I'm gonna stop this. Hey, show me your bum, whatever. I don't know. That's my thing! Hey! My thing! Okay! We're gonna do a character, alright? I'm the waiter! I'm gonna stop this.

You show me your bum, whatever. That's my thing! My thing is bum, I'll show it. I'll bring your food if you show me your bum. Bum hole. Oh, his dick is out, everybody. Can I get a full dessert if I show you one? Looks like you have winter dick, my friend.

I don't, it's summer slung. I have a little Bunsen burner to warm it. It's summer slung. Press the button, my waiter says. Best I'm putting it on. Right, we're diving in with the wafers. And what does this make? Mammar. Is that what they're called?

Mammar. Original Neapolitan. I don't think they're Mammar. No. So, Hoco Brownie. Original Neapolitan? Yeah. Oh, three colours.

Or three, isn't it? Because I don't think the colours... But Neapolitan, like, I think of immediately the... Ice cream. Strawberry, chocolate... No, I think of the pasta sauce. This is where we differ. Neapolitan ice? Pasta sauce? Pasta sauce? Pasta. Napoli. What does it make? Neapoli. No, Neapolitan. Oh, wait, yeah. It's only ice cream. Neapolitan is ice cream.

Yeah. It's Falcon. I don't know what they are. We're going to taste all these wafers. Yeah, we're going to have a little... You can get these in the UK, I believe. Andly mammer. There's also there's also a tin that has a few of them in as well This is one the lemon one and coconut. Yes We should do the lemonade and coconut not lemonade coconut and lemon. That's there. That's safe I don't want to do the original because we've done them because we've done them We just do do the other one because I don't want to open like half of these and not eat them I want to say this is cocoa. This is a chocolate one. Let's do those other one. I don't want to open half of these and not eat them. I want to save them.

This is a chocolate one. Right, let's do those three. Oh, look at that. He loves it. Let's do these three. You don't want to do the original Neapolitan? Nah, fuck it up the arse. Or hazelnut. You don't want to do that. No, because I think we've got three here.

And we can maybe do that in a cheap shot. Nothing goes to waste in the butcher shop that is cheap show. Fine. And you like the tin, don't you? And you've been making very heavy suggestions that you would like this tin. I want that tin. What's it worth? A bumhole shot. Thank you. I want to see your dirty cobweb. Oh come on, cobweb. Your chocolate cobweb. Show me your chocolate squid eye. Come on, show me your assy tendrils. I don't know why you're going with this. This is like one of the most tired concepts. Show me your teddy bear's eye. Surely we're several law cycles past you actually wanting to get it on with me.

I think to be fair at 400 or so episodes on I can do what the fuck I like now. Show me your bumhole Mr Silverman. I mean you could do whatever you fucking want it all the whole way along. You can have the tin. Jesus. There's the thing though, you know you're going to get the tin, you know I really don't want to see you bumhole, yet you refuse to play along! Fuck off! I went to an imaginary doctor's office, it was a lunatic in there! Don't you speak about Gunther like that. Gunther, Gunther, Gustav, Gustav, there we go.

Fuck's sake! I got him out of a magazine. The tin is Dinky and it has an oldie schoolie sort of Victorian era looks like or early 1900s. Yeah. Sort of advertising artwork of a little girl who's holding one of these mamma wafer bars and there's a cheeky little boy. Yeah. Looks like he's been down the mines. Yeah. Or something. Cause he's got a jacket and a cap on. Yeah. And he's looking and he's like fucking hell. Give me it. I will have that wafer off you.

And she's like, no, you're not having it until I see your bumhole. Right. It's a universal scene played out across time and mediums. I want to start with the coconut one because it's your least favorite. Oh, there's a little arrow here, which sells. I do like, I mean, this is a big cliche I'm about to spew, Paul, but I do like

a dark chocolate bounty which is a bar that doesn't actually exist anymore. Really? Yeah you can't get bounties. I didn't know that. Bounty was discontinued. I didn't know this. When was the last time you saw a bounty? Well like you get them in the heroes. Or the dark chocolate one is. I got them in a box of heroes or whatever. Yeah that's the only place they exist. Really? It's a bit like… Yeah, hang on, keep talking because this is all good. It's a bit like the cheese moment, which is still on the backboard for that… It's never coming back. That's never coming back, but… People need to get over fucking that now.

Alright, but I'm just saying it's a bit like that in that there are these confection types that only exist in the mixed packs, such as heroes nowadays, I'd say. I don't know if that's true, by the way. I'm probably going to get proven wrong by someone quickly. Maybe. So I put this down and see if I can make a mess. I don't see bounties around. I honestly haven't looked now that you brought it up, but I'm going to keep an eye out in the future. Anyway, point is... I'm pretty sure they haven't banned normal bounties. Well, this is a dry coconut wafer, so I'm going to get in.

What's the smell? Oh, it smells like those biscuits. Those coconut biscuits. You know what? Don't eat with your mouth full. I didn't hate that as much as I thought I would. Nice sweetness up front, but not cloying. And not like a thick, heavy, dense wafer. It's kind of all light and...

Very light. Nice. Yeah, it's a good quality wafer. I'm not sure I love that coconut flavour though. Fine. I think it reminds me of one of those biscuits, those coconut biscuits with the icing sugar on the top, you know, the one I'm talking about? Yes. They have a one of those biscuits, those coconut biscuits with the icing sugar on the top. You know, the one they're talking about?

Yes. They have a particular name. Absolutely. The coconut ones. I want to say Garibaldi, but it's not Garibaldi, is it? No, Garibaldi is Squashed Fly biscuits. Squashed Fly biscuits? Yeah. You mean Squashed Fly?

Squashed Fly biscuits. You've never heard of them? No. Garibaldi's. Yeah. What's the... You mean like... The Squashed Fly is a raisin. So it's not a real fly? No, Paul. It's not a real fly. Well, this is why I'm asking the fucking question isn't it?

Because you just went, oh it's a squash fly cake. I don't know what that means. This would be... I don't know what that means when you say squash fly. You don't get angry about biscuit types you don't... I'm getting angry at you getting angry at me for not knowing what that meant. Can I just be clear? I'm not getting angry with you.

I am. I know. Right, here is the... Do you know what a Gary Baldi is? No! That was the whole point of this chat! Do you want to get to the end and know what it is then? Prunes!

It's a raisin biscuit. Right. Horrible. You're not into that? No. I like a raisin biscuit. I'm not a fan. There's your little chocolate brownie one.

This is going to be nice. Chocolate brownie wafer. Not much smell. Not much smell, but definitely a little chocolatey. Oh yeah, that's much more my flavor, baby. You like chocolate. I know it's got a nice, it's got a cocoa-y taste, doesn't it, actually? It has got a brownie flavor to it.

It's hard to describe it. It has got that kind of dense, rich, chocolatey, brownie flavor. It's got a bitterness, but it's a nicely balanced bitterness. You know, that real chocolate. And on the illustration on the cover, it shows a cocoa bean. So I guess they have to live up to that. That's a cocoa. Well, it is chocolatey. This is my favorite so far. That really is chocolatey is what I'm saying. Can you imagine that with some ice cream? Oh, vanilla ice cream. Dirty bastard.

You know what I mean? Yeah. That'd be so good. I've been eating peaches and yogurt. Lucky you. Here's the lemon one. I like the way they pack snap open like that when you pull the wrinkle. These are quality. Quality wafers. I am going to be very dubious of this. I'm very dubious. Oh, I love it. Oh no.

You don't like lemon things. I just don't like lemon curd-y things. Oh, that's good. Oh, with some lemon sorbet and shortbread. I'll say this for it. It's nowhere near as lemon as I thought it was going to be. It's actually got more of like a kind of cake icing sugar kind of flavour. Yeah. You're like lemon drizzle flavour. Yeah. Yeah. It's that. So it's nice. But lemon cake and lemon cake flavour. You're right. It's still not my cup of tea, but it's fine. Can I say you were surprised by that lemon? Yeah. In a similar

way that I was surprised by how much I liked the coconut one. And we both met in the middle for the chocolate brownie. Which is the best of the three, isn't it? Which is the best, so I'm going to give... Oh, but generally, can I just say... Rank them. Yum. Yeah, yum.

There wasn't that sort of dry, powdery, you know, that sort of cardboardy sometimes get. Fake cheap ingredients, overly sweet sugary fake stuff. That is like everything's in perfect balance with the crispness and the... That's a great product. That's it. It's the balance that makes it. Because you could overwhelm the flavours on either of these and ruin it and actually no, it kind of works out fine. I do want to say... Brownie one best for me, then coconut, then lemon.

The chocolate one was the best, yes. And then you would go lemon and coconut. I would. Yeah, fair enough. I would. And it's no surprise that they've been around for a long time because those are fucking great wafers, they really are. You can see why they've length the length.

You can see why they length the length, yes, Paul. I don't know what I was trying to... You see why they've lasted so long, I guess. They've lasted the length, is what you were going to say. You can see why they've lasted so long. Or my length. The length of which... Next one.

Yeah. Candy time. It's candy time now. What do you want to start with? Do you want to start with Weiner, Zuckl, Daggy, Ken, Kenzie? Those are chocolate biscuit looking things. And then sport gummy. What do you want to go with?

Let's keep with the biscuit things to try and map. I'll let you open these then. To segue with the wafers, you know. I'll open these at this end to get ahead of us. Okay. Oh, these are chocolate. These look like turds. These look like little half moon chocolate.

The first bite is with the eye, isn't it? That's what they say. Well, have a look in there. Yeah, it looks like someone shat in a bag. Give them a smell. Looks like someone took a rabbit on diuretics and just would like, you know, fill this bag up with rabbit turds. Yes, I'm getting a specific vibe from the smell.

Please smell them first. It's a Christmas vibe. It's a Christmas... Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Christmas tree chocolates. Yeah, that sort of... These are stuck together. I mean, they look all right.

They're chocolatey odour. I don't like that waxy chocolate look, because I already know just by looking at it what kind of flavour it's going to be. What the fuck are these? I don't know, just like little half circle chocolate crispy things. Draghi Keksi. Oh funnily enough they're made by a company called Napoli. Oh!

But now that's what you're getting confused with. With that one. Oh these are fine, like little digestive biscuits basically. They're crispy, they're like those peppery things with the little biscuits, break time were they called or something. A very plain crisp biscuit covered in chocolate. Definitely. That chocolate is kind of a good quality and it feels bitterer.

Yeah, now that I've had one, I'm actually quite surprised that the chocolate is creamy. It's a creamier... it's not like overly sugary, it's more creamy chocolate. It has a bitterness, like of a dark chocolate. Only a little bit though, because I think the biscuit... A real chocolate vibe. Because the biscuit does balance it all out again and it's kind of like, without the biscuit, the chocolate would probably be horrible and vice versa. Those are good.

Yeah, they're all right. I could... Nice with a cup of tea. Yeah mate I could fucking demolish those. Alright well that's not for now. I've started this recording hungry today Paul. Well never pod hungry you know. I know I picked the wrong day to pod hungry. So these are six flavors of fruit candies and I think they're like high chews in terms of their texture. Ah interesting. I'm gonna grab one at random. I should say everyone I've beenws in terms of their texture. Ah, interesting. I'm going to grab one at random.

I should say, everyone, I've been devouring several of everything Paul's been handing out and he has just taken a little nibble, literally, and his little remains are in a nice little row there. Because I'm not piggy piggy snort snort, boy. Oh my God, I ate one cookie, I'm piggy piggy snort snort. I've got to think about my figure. I've got to think about my figure. We should think harder. I'm thinking it started at OnlyFans this year, and if thaties! I've got to think about my figure. We should think harder! I'm thinking it started at OnlyFans this year, and if that happens, I want to get rid of me belly.

So I can gush on me tits. You can piss into your own mouth. I might do. I might be one of those piss streamers. Hey! Hey! No, that's a real thing. These are boiled. I thought they were chewy gums. They look chewy with the way they're wrapped individually. But I think they have a centre of some kind. Oh you'll be crunching in, he's crunched right in. It's a gooey centre. Oh I've got a lemon one. Oh tastes like cough sweets.

Was yours clear on the outside with a little coloured middle? Yeah. So I wonder if like the outshell is like a generic flavour that they all have, that kind of lemon drop cough sweet kind of boiled sweet thing and then the gooey bit in the middle is where the flavor is. Could be I'm gonna taste another one to see that yeah that theory works yeah. Oh I like these. I'm not into that because they stick to my teeth I don't like the way it will stick. Yeah they are a bit. These are called white weiner everyone as in winter weiner. Excuse me while I suck on this wiener for a little bit longer until the gooey cum cum comes out. Gooey censors. Yes I was that obvious. What are you gonna do about it?

It's my podcast. Oh, what was that one? This one tastes like a pear drop. That's I think that's the medicine thing I'm getting is that sort of stuff. They put in pear drops. You know that chemical? I know what it is.

It's the thing I fucking love about pear drops and lemon drops. These have that. Mmm. I think that's the thing that you were saying about the flavor being generic, the generic aspect. They're like cough sweets,

like fruity cough sweets. Oh, they're dirty. You can take a few with you home, by the way. I'm not really that into them honestly. Oh that's my bag baby. Putting them back in the bag for you. Right last one, these are the sports gummies. Sports gummies by Egger, established 1870 and they are a bunch of what look like very soft square coloured tubes. I'm loving all of these, they're the quality level on these snacks, very good. And you can tell these are kind of heritage candies and sweets because you can imagine they're largely unchanged.

They've got good sweet game over in Austria, don't they? Well, I've had a purple one of these sports gummies. I'm going to go for a lemon one again so I can compare. I think the word sport is unnecessary. I think it's just a gimmick. You get sports mix. Oh, very chewy. A tough candy.

I thought they were going to be soft as fuck, but they're quite chewy. Oh my god. Oh, I like those. Yeah be soft as fuck, but they're quite chewy. Oh my god Oh, I like this. Yeah, this is a Danger ten out of ten out of ten. Oh, those are really if I had to rank them I'd probably put the wiener suckers top then the sports gummies and then the chocolate ones But just because I'm more of a gummy person than a chocolate person. I don't like boiled sweets and that whole crunchy thing aspect I don't like that. So I put those last right they were were terrible. I did enjoy the pear drop chemical whatever that's called. I like it. That gives it that whole vibe.

Big ol' fucker. Is that slightly toxic vibe? You know what I mean? Stop doing savel. It's so easy to do. Now I'm going to taste the second one. The purple one. Yeah. Good. Oh man. Right stop this. So that's the ranking. We're going to move on now. We're getting food on the go, non-stop food episode. Let's keep it going because we've got garlic crisps now. Come on boys and girls, follow me. Whee! Ding dong! Hello!

Brrr! Bing bing bing! Tssss! Ha! Nyeeaw! Da da da da da da da! Brum! Chugga chugga chugga! Bum bum! I think Paul's fallen over everyone. I've fallen down the stairs. Ha! Nyee-ah! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- These might be a bit stale, unfortunately, because, you know, they've been in a box for three months and potentially they were burst then. So we don't know. Give that a huff. Woah! Woah!

Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. No, these aren't garlic. This must be egg. Why are there two big geese and an egg? No, that's the sun. What's knob launch mean? Isn't that the flavor knob launch? You'll find out. Come around to get my ass. You'll know what a knob launch is. Is it?

I launch my knob right into your fucking gaping ass. How very immature. Now. I don't know if that is garlic. Yes, it is. Is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just gonna put the word knob launch into me phone.

No, it's not N. It's A-U-C-A. Oh yes, it's garlic. Yes. I love these. You need to taste them, Paul. Alright, now I'm gonna have it. He needs to talk into the mic. He says off mic.

Fuck it, Al. Right, in we go. Okay. Oh yeah, not for me. There's nothing wrong with them per se. Just not for me. I don't, I don. Oh yeah, not for me. There's nothing wrong with them per se. Just not for me. I don't, I don't.

They're not for me, baby. Oh, they're so garlicky, Paul. And salty. Yeah. And it brings that garlic forward. But it's almost like, you know, when you, you know, if you cut into a clove of fresh garlic, you can get the sort of, that sort of hotness, some kind of heat from it. Well, it's the same as if you put like bulbs of garlic in the oven to just roast and they

come out soft and sweet. It's like that. What are you looking at me like that for? Staring at me like a bulldog eating some fucking Marabone jelly snacks. What are you doing? I didn't like that actually. There's nothing wrong with them if you like that kind of thing, but for me it's not my bag. I'm trying to tell you it's not like roasted garlic where it's mellow it's much more like raw garlic. Well this is where we disagree because I think it's much more like the garlic you put in the oven in Sweden. Okay fine. And I'm more of a better man than you so my opinion is topper. I think Paul's lost the energy guys and

he doesn't want to talk about these crisps. I'm not saying I've bottomed out but I've been distracted by knob lunch and they weren't stale I'll say that for them so that they survived. They're very salty and they've got like an Italian bruschetta you would take a clove of raw garlic put some olive oil on it rub it on the bread and rub it on that's that kind of raw that's that's hot garlic I tell you what I disagree don't eat these before you go on a date. Hello darling my mouth smells of Knoblauch. It of garlic, my whole thing smells of garlic. That's a great brand. It's a fine crisp, nice and crunchy, the texture was great.

No, they're good, they're really, really good. Look, there's the garlic, there's the whole head of it down there. Well then what are those two fucking geese doing there? They're just the mascots. They look like herons, more like herons. One's a lady heron who has an apron on, and one's a man heron. Or are they a stork? Or are they storks, Like the ones that deliver babies?

They brought this big, big yokey son to lie on the crisps. Yeah, maybe they brought their yoke. I've got nothing. I'm just watching a bearded man eat garlic crisps. No, I don't want any, thank you. Out of ten I give that personally a four, but that's my personal... That's your least favourite thing of everything we've tasted so far. So far today, yeah.

I love the taste of garlic. I use garlic daily. Do you use it to wash your body? With my knob, yes. No, wash your body in the shower. Do you use like... I put it in my knob. Like...

Link's knob launch. You know when you might roast a leg of lamb or something? Yeah. You give it... Stab it, stab. Stab, stab, stab. Then take a raw garlic clove, stuff it in. Blop, blop, slop.

That's what I do with my meters and knob and garlic. Daily! Daily! You daily stab your dick and then put a ball of garlic on it. I don't stab it because nature has provided a natural hole, stab hole. It's known as my meatus. Wheatus the meatus. The band Wheatus is performing live on his meatus. Witness the meatus. And sound effect. No, no, no.

And sound effect. I'm putting a sound effect in here because now it's time to wash. You need to liven up. We need to wash our mouths out. You plateaued, you bottomed out at the end of that last segment. I did. As soon as you tasted the crisp. Yeah, rude me.

Your mind clicked off. You were thinking about something else, weren't you? I was thinking about candy. Right, let's have some drinks now. You right? I've chewed out, mate. I have. I can tell.

I'm looking forward to these fizzy drinks. So let's get them on. All right, let's have those. I'll get them from the fridge. ["Fizzle, Fizzle, Fizzle"] Just a quick thought, Paul. Yep, have one. to these fizzy drinks. Let's get them on. I'll get them from the fridge. Just a quick thought, Paul. Yeah, have one. I've thought of a new segment that we could do going forward because we had such a great response last week to me saying that I fancied Sue Pollard, right?

Yeah. So it could be called Silverman's Great Ladies of the 80s. Ladies of the 80s. Ladies of the 80s. I mean, the title needs some work, but... Yeah, it does. And the idea, and the presenter. All of it needs work. Anyway, moving on.

Here's the thing, what are you going to do? People love it when I say, yeah, Sarah Green. She'd be number one. But do you rank them in terms of, or do you just celebrate them? Well, I just did. No, but do you celebrate them? What an illustrious career, talented, always like like, I'd love to put my beans in. And just reduce women down to things you'd like to muck up.

I see. I see. I see what you're doing. Yeah, but... I see. I started in great faith to celebrate... But it's based on the PC. ...celebrate Ladies of the 80s, which was a group. Do you know that? There was a group called Ladies of the 80s. Yeah. They were good. Disco funk thing.

Okay, but my point remains that... Ladies of the 80s! The only reason I thought this was because Maureen Lippman, you wanted to were good. I just go funk thing. Okay, but my point remains that The only reason I thought this was because morning Lippman you wanted to do a don't sue Paul No, we're gonna have to go you wanted to do her So when you bring this idea to you said the Lippman, I'm gonna pull all the lip man. Okay, come on Let's just get to the end of the fucking episode drinks Some research you do it while I'm the first one out. You know what? I fucking distracted you by asking for those records back.

I'm sorry I did that. You did? I'm sorry I did that. I'll pour the drink while you... Yeah, I'll pour it while you're looking up the research. We're doing the original first. Could you spell it out to me, the name? Yes.

A-L-M-D-U-D-L. Hang on. U-D. L-E-R. U D L E R It is Austria's most popular herbal lemonade since 1957. So herbal lemonade is like it's based... It's got its own Wikipedia. Oh that's good.

At least we can rip that off. It's a brown naver, a popular herbal carbonated soft drink it says from Austria. It says on... How long has it been going? It doesn't say lemonade, since 57. Let's have a look. Well to the eye and the glass it's got a, well it's got, it's like a cider kind of colour I guess. It's a yellow, you're right. It's a piss drink. It looks like piss, but will it taste like piss? It's got a floral on the nose, not really lemony.

I actually quite like the smell of it. It's elderflowery, isn't it? I've become quite a fan of elderflower in my fizzy drinks. Spellcasting elderfire! Elderfire! A-E-L-D-E-O-F-L-S-E-L-I! Oh, the wizard is doomed! Would you say that has an elderflower tang then? Because you're more familiar with that. A little, but it's also got that kind of root of extract kind of smell to it.

Also it has granny's odour V, Oda Toilette. Oda Vinegar. Doesn't have a bit of a floral like potpourri, of perfumey. Oh. You like it? I do like that. Hang on. This is all very interesting. It is.

The original, Almdudler, is a sweetened carbonated beverage made of herbal extracts. Almdudludler. Almondalmdudler. Has been called the national drink of Austria. Its popularity in Austria is second only to Coca-Cola. Yeah, but Coke don't count because it's a worldwide thing and they can get fucked. About 80 million litres of the beverage are produced per year. It's currently sold in original, this is what we're tasting now.

Original. Any notes from the taste? Oh, I thought you were going to finish this and then I can give you me notes. Oh, this is similar to that orange and cola stuff we... What's that thing used to be? The German orange and cola stuff we tasted. In terms of it's a homegrown, much loved, traditional... Yes, but also in terms of this, which I'm about to read out to you.

Ben Reed. It's currently sold in original, light, still and Gaspritzi. What's that mean? That's very similar to that stuff because, which is in Austria, a Radler variety mixed with beer. Also the boozy version of this. Mixed with beer. That's nice. You like that. Like a Desperado. Like a Shandy top or something. Whatever it's called. Very much like that. But don't you remember the orange and cola, there was one that was mixed with beer there as well, wasn't there? I believe so. If not, some will correct us. So that's fine. Let the people

speak. I love that a lot. It's a popular mixer with locally produced red and white wines. They mix it with wine. I can imagine that being a cooler kind of mixer thing. Oh wow. But we have a different version that isn't mentioned here, which is the Guarana and Mate version. Well, we're going to get to that in a minute, but I want your notes on this. I haven't tasted this yet. Because I really like it. It's quite light. It's not really heavy on any particular flavor, but it has got this refreshing... What's that energy drink that comes in the kind of medicine bottle

that you can buy? You know the one I'm talking about? Nippo V10? No, you remember it comes in like this little bottle with a silver wrap around it and it looks like a medicine bottle with brown glass underneath. It's an energy drink and I get it all the time. You get it all the time? Yeah, because it comes with meal deals and stuff and you see it in Tescos. What the fuck? Oh, you mean Purdy's? That's not an energy drink.

Oh, okay, whatever, but it kind of has that flavour profile to it. But, you mean Purdy's? That's not an energy drink. Oh, okay. Whatever. But it kind of has that flavor profile. But you do mean Purdy's? Yes. Yes. Purdy's. Yeah. Originally started as a sort of healthy drink, but now is basically just a soda. So it's slightly better quality. Yeah. I think it is lower sugar. I prefer it, but that's what it reminds me of. Go on. Have some fun. Purdy's. Sorry to be finicky about it not being an energy drink. Okay. I didn't know it was an energy drink. So to be corrected in my podcast is fine. To be honest, I haven't gone in yet, but the smell of this is getting quite cloying and perfumey like potpourri for me. But it's not as strong as the smell and the smell ain't

that strong, but it is super refresh. Oh, it's quite tart, isn't it? Oh, the sugars, the sweetness is way down. Yes, not a sweet drink. That's that is quite surprisingly unsweet. But because I was expecting that Coca Cola, that extreme sugar sort of taste. It's not that at all. It's like a Purdy's. You won't get it with a Purdy's thing. Absolutely. It's more of a medical herbal thing.

Oh, that's good. That's very close to a Purdy's in terms of the tartness. That sharp tartness being almost a bigger flavour than the sweetness. Purdy's is too tart at times, I find. This is like a kind of muted but in a very good way. You were right. I shouldn't have trusted the smell. No, you were right. I'm pouring the next one out. That's good, I like that. But I want a caffeinated one. It's coming. This is the Marte and Guarana. I used to get Guarana powder from health food shops and dunk it in like loads of it into pints of Guinness whilst I was DJ. And why?

It gives a speedy effect. Does it? It's caffeine, yeah. So it speeds the alcohol through your body? No, no. A speedy effect as in you're doing speed. Like caffeine is an upper. Oh.

Yeah, guarana. That can't be good for you, can it? Who knows? I mean, that's the least of my worries. Yeah, true. So I'm gonna, I've just poured mine out, I'm gonna have a little sniff. This is the Marten and Guarana version. It smells different on the nose.

It's almost kind of sweeter, kind of more, I don't know, like energy drinky. That's the smell of the Mate I'm getting. I recognise that. It's kind of a tea. Yes, no, that's right, tea. A tea note. Green tea kind of note. That's right, yeah.

Well, I'm gonna give it a sip, see what we think. Okay, that's not as nice. It's not as nice. No. It's got kind of nettle flavour. Do you know what I mean? Like a kind of a, not something, it's not like an off note. It's just an extra flavor that's been put on there that stands out in a kind of herb.

It's more herbally. And it's not as tart, is it? It hasn't got that bright tartness as much. No, that kind of necessary sweetness to offset. It's just a bit flatter generally, the flavor. Is it sugar free, this one? I feel like that's what it is. There's an emptiness at the...

I don't know. There's nothing that I can see on here that necessarily says... I think it's a low sugar one. Yeah, what does it say? It doesn't really say anything. I can't look it up. It doesn't say anything outwardly that says sugar free, put it that way. Well, we'll see. Here it is from their website. With natural caffeine for refreshing and invigorating boost. Only so many calories, 30% less sugar. So less sugar doesn't necessarily mean no sugar or fake sugar. It says without sweeteners as well. Which is even better. So we're both kind of right. The sweetness level is lower, is what I'm picking up on.

I prefer the overall flavour profile of the original drink. So do I. But part of that flavour is the sweetness. I need that sweetness. To hide the messenger of the coffee. It's just a bit boring, the Guarana one, but the original is actually a thing that I'm actually into. I don't like the aftertaste of that as well because it kind of lingers in the mouth like you've just swallowed some herbs. That's the Mate taste. That has a Mate flavour, so if you're into that. Mate! We've got to go back to the original recipe! Mate! But Mate does give you a bit of a caffeine rise and so does Karana and I'm enjoying

it. I'm enjoying it. Let's have a kiss on the cuddle. I've had two Red Bulls as well. Hey, you know what? I mean, boosts. We've now been jostled to a froth and now it's time for our surprise final item. It's not a surprise.

But either way, on to the finale! I'm not looking forward to this. Why? It'll be fine. It's not actually going to What? They're gonna make something that actually tastes of... Well, we're gonna find out. You know, if you... Say something funny and I'll go to the sound effect. If you're not gonna say something funny, I'm just gonna do it.

As if you'd expect like a Mars bar called poo flavour to actually taste of poo. Of course you wouldn't. Oh, you said it out loud! Like a man! Right, sound effects weirdo let me just say go on cock and cunt flavored crisp for cocks and cunts that's what we're doing this segment boys and girls ladies and gentlemen at least you've stopped saying, oh dear, so much. Oh dear. Got to keep me catchphrases in, otherwise who am I?

Who am I without my whims and... Oh, mate. Wow. What's wrong with me this week? Let's just get to the end of the show. I like being Gunther Gustaf. Oh! You, you're tired. You've been working hard. It's fine. I'm a cop for the money.

Let's just eat these cunt and cop play Cock-end and cunt flavored crisps for crappy cunts at fucking stag and hen do's so I've got empty minds and lives Their souls dribbling out like they're fucking difficult to take a piss after doing a line of coke piss a long time ago I think we were told about these and I think we were going to do it for Digitizer. For whatever reason, that didn't pan out, and here we are, ten years later, maybe, I don't know. Chaz. And looking at a company called Chaz Chips that we looked on their website, chazchips.com,

which should you want to know, is rated one and a half out of five stars on the Google service. Not a good website then? No, well no, the brand quality. Oh God, these are going to be disgusting. If you go to their website where they have all their products, it says, discover bold flavored snacks that amaze with daring combinations and all natural ingredients, a unique taste crafted for your adventure-filled lifestyle. Oh, I've just come back from the Arctic.

Hand me my Fanny crisps. I wish to keep the ride going. Adventure? They have cannabis-flavoured potato crisps. Yeah. Jalapeno and hemp. Crispy corn cheesy pizza. Well, those are more normal.

Yeah, these are all more sensible. This is a novelty crisp experience. Garlic and cheese. I mean, I'm all into that. A tomato flavored rice crispy snack. I don't know what that is. I'll go for that as well. Beetroot, sour cream and onion.

Oh, lovely. Truffles. Yeah, I love those. I'll tell you what, those truffle flavored crisps are a fucking absolute crack of the mouth. Crack of the mouth, they should call it. Oh, hello there. It's Crack of the Mouth, the Irish show where we eat lots of food. It's really good for your crack of the mouth.

Diddley diddley, put a crispy me gobble on. I meant crack cocaine of the mouth. We can do that too. Anything goes on crack of the mouth. Could you do me something else whilst you're here? It's crack of the mouth! You smoke crack. Do ya?

Yes. But well done, you're doing better than about a minute and a half ago. Mussels and white wine flavour. Ooh mate, I'm... Bloody Mary cocktail flavoured crisps. I'd eat those, I'd eat all of these apart from the things we actually are going to eat which I don't eat. Ukrainian borscht.

Borscht. Borscht. Borscht. Bread crisps with sour cream and onions, cream... Bread crisps? It just says bread crisps with cold borscht flavour. Oh that must be nice. onions, cream, bread crisps. It just says bread crisps with cold borsch flavour. Oh that must be nice. Like those snacks, those bread, you remember those crunchy rusk, those

adult rusk things? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. Uh, Carolina Reaper crisps, Italian spritz, don't know what that is, that's a drink. And then energy flavoured crisps they do. So yeah, they do a load of fucking wacky crisps. And we have got two boxes, his and hers. This is called Lose Your Virginity with Chps. And we have got- We have two boxes, his and hers. This is called Lose Your Virginity with Chaz. That's the lady pot flavored one. And then this one's called Big Chaz in Your Mouth. Big Chaz in Your Mouth.

We can't complain though, considering the content of our show is not too dissimilar to the branding. From the moment we started working together as a double act- We're our own chummy copy. I've tried to fight against it. It's your thing. I was not into rude humour, really.

Really? No. Because you fucking led the charge some weeks. That's how we launched this podcast, Paul. It was me getting overruled by your unending fucking Nob and Carmen shit jokes. And then me... Right, I've got an idea for a character. It's called Randy Dog and it just fucking chucks its milk. That was in later on, the Randy Dog. I'm not saying I don't do it now.

You've dragged me down. Don't try and say us when you talk about who, I think if you, someone who did a statistical analysis of this episode, who introduced the cock and the bumhole? You haven't made a whole character just asking to look at my bumhole. Let's eat these crisps, I'm out of here. Who's the true radio maverick? Tis I. Tis I.

Right, what do you want to do first? Lick a fanny or eat a dick? Let's have the fanny after the dick to wash it out of our mouths. That's what she said or something, I don't know. Willies. Let's go for dick first, honestly. So you want to wash the taste of dick out of your mouth with a fanny? Paul, now this sounds like a weird question. Yeah, like I'm trying to be funny

Yeah, but have you checked the fanny crisps for fish? But I'm not trying to be like a misogynistic Yeah, because if I look at the back of this and it's like funny flavor the first ingredients prawn or crab sticks It's gonna be pretty shit Yeast extract ingredients prawn or crab sticks it's gonna be pretty shit so no yeast extract yeah lemon powder natural flavoring okay parsley black pepper sour cream no it sounds like nice they're gonna make it trying how do you do that from before we you know this is why I don't understand like those poo poo sweets that look like little poos and I'm gonna actually make them taste like poo,

are they? And even like those jelly beans, what they call double dares. They never did a poo one, did they? No. There's a certain line you don't cross. There's a line you don't cross. And shit is that line.

It's line. There's the brown line. Why isn't there no cum flavored jelly bean? Why is there no bean boozled muck? There's the line bodily stuff, but there was vomit. Vomit vomit vomit and snot oh there was snot as well wasn't there blood which is kind of blood yeah gross but not spunk and shit they didn't think spunk and shit would sell they didn't think spunk piss or shit would sell well they haven't listened to our podcast have they because it fucking goes out every week every week around the corner

come to the card chocolates made do you know according to general survey data, as this card says it comes in the box, because it comes in a box this pack of crisps. And there's red tissue paper. Yeah, it's all very well. It's for a party. Yeah, it's a gimmick. Millennials are having three times less sex than their parents. Because they can't afford to live in this world.

Yes, it's hard to go out because everything's too expensive and too far away. It's hard to get up if you're fucking broke and there's no prospects. Live interactions will always be the most important thing between people. Share this pack and start making love. And it comes in little thing, and there's the crisps. Red tissue paper is the little thing he's referring to. It's a black packet. And on the front it says pussy flavour.

18 adults only for hot ones, no preservatives. Yes, for sex, all bodies taste good, limited edition. And it has, no we're not tasting the fanny first. Yes, you said fanny first. No, I did not. Oh, you want dick first? Please. Oh, do you want dick?

Beg for dick. I want dick first so I can have fanny after. Oh, that's got green tissue paper, the dick. And this one's got Tarzan on the front, it says, did you know? And the card, have you told them what was on the card for the I literally just fucking read it out I was a Lenny all's not having sex no but you didn't tell about the illustration the lady on the front with the in a big martini glass

like Dieter von T's yes did you say Dieter von T's I did why not 10% of all people 10% of all people dreams are related to sex women dreams involve famous people. Men dreams... Women dreams? That's what it says. Women dreams involve... Oh, because it's in Tarzan saying it.

Is that why it's not... No, I just think it's grammatically off kilter. Start again. Men dream involve having sex with several... Men dreams. Men's dreams. Men's... That's what it should say.

Women's dreams, it should say. Men's dreams. Men's dreams involve famous people. Men's dreams involves having sex with several partners at the same time. What about several famous people at the same time? Like Sue Pollard, Maureen Lippman, Sarah Green. You're gonna have to go out and rub your knob in. Come on, open the dick. Right, same on the thing. So I'm gonna hustle. Hustle that nussel. Russell the nusselage. So we're going to have the dick flavored ones first.

Get the huff on the dick. Huff that dick. Here we go. Dick crisps. I don't know what that smell is, but I know it's not dick. And I've smelled my dick and a few others in my life and they don't compare. I don't know why. Do you want to have a huff?

Yeah. Just have a huff and tell me if the first thing you think of is a man's cock. No, it won't be obviously, but I'll tell you what my impressions are Yeah, yeah, tell us what you think the flavor profiles with because you read out the ingredients on the fanny, right? Yeah, but this is the dick. Yeah, you look at the ingredients see if I can name any of these. Hmm. Interesting I don't know what they're going for with this. That's yeah weird smell. It's a weird. I get what you're saying There's no it's hard to identify. It's not anything dirty. No, I know.

You know what I mean? I'm almost getting like a walnut or hazelnut. This has tomato powder, sugar, yeast extract, smoked salt, and then it says natural flavorings, which as we know, we use. Okay, there's nothing. And these are very, they look nicely, there's little green bits.

They don't look like good quality. Kettle chips, aren't they? Yeah, they are kettle. Right. Reach in there, pork there I'm gonna get some dick flakes out give him a test they of course never taste of dick what no what could taste of dick my dick a dick or taste of dick I certainly you know what eats a dick what is the taste of dick there's no taste of it's just what however whatever you've whatever the buyer the the buyer, yeah, whatever you... Whatever unique personal hygiene of the person involved.

That's what I was going to say, yes. The bio... The bio... Some may smell clean as a fresh linen blanket from the washing... The bacteria. It depends on your personal bacteria level. And how clean you are. And when was the last time you showered.

So yeah, you're right, it might be... Oh, look! Nice fresh linen smell. Mmm, Lynx Africa. And then Orchard bins out the back of the chippyippy all I'm trying to say is there's no actual smell of a dick no but neutral smell of dick a bit of piss maybe right here we go generic I don't even know what that is but it's a what it is is no it's not good really fucking horrible oh I mean mate I don't go into too much detail but

I have had penises in my mouth that taste better than that. What is that? It's such a horrible flavor profile. What is that? I don't know, but I know what you mean. I can't put my finger on it. It's a little bit like armpit. Yeah. I can't, I can't. Oh no. You know what it is a bit like?

It's like a stale Mexican sort of, you know, like a Mexican spice kind of thing. Yeah, it's like a stale Mexican sort of, you know, like a Mexican spice kind of thing. Yeah, it's like dried out Mexican spices. But it's not even that, it's almost like there's a curry. There's a sort of curry Mexican. Like an armpit, like perineum funk. It's weird. Like that guy I once met, he left a nasty taste in my mouth.

Trackbot. Stop, don't try and chat up. Let's get this fanny open. I had to get that pipe cleaner out and get into his grills the other day and just work just all that dried out muck just get it out because he couldn't speak. Wide traveled rod wasn't it? Blame him. Well he's fucking he's he's trying to play it all high and mighty like he's you know like he's a depraved idiot. He's a depraved man who lives in his car. Yeah. I've seen it. Yeah it's a shit car as well. We all characters live in cars by the way can I just say that as an observation?

We all live in cars. All right, whatever. Ragnarf had lived living in a car on his own. Hey, shut up, come on. Right, it's time to eat the Fanny crisps. Here we go. Hey, Jossel and the Hossolite, the pussy flavor. Oh, God!

Oh, God! Yeah! We forgot the moment we've been waiting for. You have a go with that. Is it sharp? It's a sharp odour. You have a go with that. Oh, that got to my eyes. Talk about feminine hygiene. There's no hygiene there. Go on, have fun.

Oh, there's a sort of... It's like vinegar. ...whiny. Whiny vinegary. It's off, off. Why is it that the man's Chris have like this musky? They've got like vegetative kind of stink and then that one's just kind of real shower whiny whiny There's a horrible savoriness underneath whoever made the flavors for these

That's unpleasant. The lady ones are unpleasant to smell also How do roger trees that as it maybe they think this isn't a bad smell, but to me that's one of the worst smelling crisps I've ever put to my nose. It's such an assault on the senses. And again, does that smell like any fanny you've ever had? If you even remember what that was like? Shut up. I say no more. I say no more. Extensive goings on. I do not like that. God that's so, it's like soft vinegar to the max. Yeah but it's that's it's the sort of sweet whiny off almost a rotten though. Do you know what I mean? Almost rotten. A stant. Yeah it's something stale. It's a stale vinegar. Right here we go into the fanny. It

might taste better than they. I'm reasonably confident that I'm not going to enjoy this. They've got green flecks on them. They have green flecks on them as well. They've all got green flecks on them. Everything, I've got my green flecks on mine. There we go. Oh God. Okay, so why have it's vinegary? Does it have like this porky flavour of fucking vinegar? It's not good, it's not good. Oh God. I'm going to wash it down, just wash it down.

Oh God. I might actually be sick. This is garlicy, it's got garlic in it, I'm sorry. It tastes like fucking garlic that's been in the oven as is. That is the worst, that is so fucking unnecessarily vulgar. You just got yourself so, you hypnotised yourself. And you feel like you're eating dirty vejjajis. No it's not, it's because the smell was like, oh this is going to be a salt and vinegar

flavoured crisp. I'm going to prepare my braver. But when you eat it, it's more like a chicken and garlic flavoured crisp isn't it? It's like bad chicken. It's like a bad turkey pork. It's like turkey stuffing pork, pigs in a blanket kind of fucking... But nothing really happening. It's in me teeth.

It's not good. I've got fanny in me teeth. It's not good. I've got fanny in me teeth. It's not good. That's like for the pubes between the teeth effect. What's the point of this? Who thought in a fucking business meeting what this industry needs is a crisp that takes of cunt? Paul, I will remind you. I'm not even.

It doesn't even taste of cunt. I'll remind you of what I opened this bit with. It's like essence of cunt. I'll remind you of what I opened this bit with. Yeah. Cunt and cock crisps for cunts. Yeah. Cunts at stag or hen do's or whatever.

It is that market. It's the gimmick. It's like penis shaped noodles. Yeah. It's that pasta. It's ha ha ha. Yeah. And then the flavour is an afterthought, say the least.

No, I would say with the flavour, I think they think they were doing something clever. And actually what they've done is just tasted this kind of- An aberration. It's like a Frankenstein's monster of a kind of... Oh god! Oh! I think they've gone to a lot of effort in making the packaging a whole thing and the artwork and everything.

That's where the money and the thought has gone into. Oh! Has gone into the packaging and everything. I'm fighting the urge to vom. And I think that you can... Oh, something nasty. I think you can get away with murder if you call them kettle trips. You can get away with using stale or worse potatoes.

That's my theory. Yeah, because the potatoes... I know it might be a while and they might be out of date. What is the date on that, actually? Bottom left-hand side, there's a little white square. 07 03 2024. So not out of date. Yes, it is, because it's 2025 now.

Oh yeah, they went out of date last March. So... I mean, maybe that had an effect an effect that definitely did because everything was muted. Although the flavor was unpleasant It wasn't very bright was it? No, it wasn't very strong. What are you looking for? I want this show to end though I don't like how it ended. Well, whatever I had a very real moment Well, I thought it's gonna be sick on the table in front of me. Okay. Well, I'm sorry about that for you It's it ended rather badly. Alright, let's do... come on, press the button. Final thoughts? I've had a shit year so far, I hope it gets better. No, honestly, but that has livened it up, let me say thank you to... I just want to read the website.

Alright. Discover the secret world of passionate flavors of Chaz. Looking for something special and exclusive? Enter the secret and seductive world of Chaz 18+. The snacks in this category are for those who are adventurous and like to experiment that's your fucking excuse for everything let your taste buds experience unique and passionate flavors that unleash your senses and leave an incredible impression and they even have bra candy chocolate dicks on a stick mints new I mean all the stuff we were just complaining about but personally let me just say 10 euros each just for one bag. One bag of this. This is 20 euros.

It's a total rip-off. It's a scam, almost. I would go so far as to say I would like to leave my cunnilingual and dick-sucking activities completely separate from eating novelty crisps of any sort. Or if you're really desperate for that effect, get a packet of salt and shake crisps, go up to the part of your choice and just rub the packet against their nubbage or globbage. The great dichotomy, nubbage and glottage.

Take a handful of crisps, slap it at your partner's fanny, rub it around them, pull it out or smooth it all over their dick and then eat it. That's what you want to do. James, James I'm here, I'm here at the club James. Yes. No but don't tell anyone I'm here. Okay, go on. Is it, is it, is it globbage? I'm here. Okay. Is it is it? Yes

Is it glob bitch? It's a glob it tonight night. Oh, is it not bitches? Yes, it's a garbage glob It's just not which night. It's glob it tonight. Definitely club. It's not I booked for the world. I'm going After all these years we finally had Fanny and Dick crisps and the consensus is worst thing we've done all year and it's only January so we'll see you after this right that's the Fanny and Dick crisps out the way let's wrap this up anything you want to say you like tune into my radio show on Soho radio every two weeks two till four on a Sunday and if you miss it it's always on the websites. On the websites, it's on Mixcloud, the House of Pickles sound show.

Funk. Yo, it's for cool cats. And disco and stuff. The CheapShow.co.uk, you one stop shop for everything you want from Cheap Show, videos, episode guides, all the rest of it, go explore there. And luckily, Eli, we have lovely, wonderful patrons who support us and keep this mad podcast going for all these years. And if you want to help and join them, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And as we always like to say, give what you can, but please

only if you can give what you can, but please only if you can. I like to say it. And you get access to extra podcasts, videos, behind the scenes, things, early access to cheap shots, special top tier video episodes only all that kind of stuff Magazines as well. There's that new thing. What thing shots of my bumhole? Yeah, you can't have that because you're not a patreon if you give us 200 pounds you will get no a framed picture of Eli's don't say that musty button I'm not agreeing to that. It's musty button. It's not musty as if I wouldn't give it a scrub up before you took a photo It's musty button ladies and gentlemen. It's musty brown button. I wouldn't give it a scrub up before you took a photo.

It's musty button ladies and gentlemen. It's musty brown button. That might be the best thing you've come up with all show. No it took me like I don't know an hour or so. Musty button. Come and look at Eli's musty button. Press the musty button. Oh it's good. Is this glottage or blobage?

Anyway so one thing I do want to say right now. We have got some plans for this year. Things I put up on social media the other day, but one of the things I do want to draw your attention to right now is that at the end of the year, October, November, we're going to do Your Invision 2025. As ever, it will be streamed live on YouTube. We'll get some videos out of it. We'll have some fun guests, all this stuff. We just want you to start thinking about it now. We're probably going to open up the floodgates to admissions probably after episode 450 because that will be in September. So with all that being said, if you want to get involved in Eurovision this year,

Can you explain what it is briefly? It's our music competition. It's a music competition along the lines of Eurovision everyone. Yes. And if you want to listen to or watch old episodes of Eurovision, they're on our YouTube website, the Cheap Show podcast, I think. I don't know. At least Cheap Show. And you can get an idea of the type of thing that people compose and send to us.

Yes, because we usually get a load of suggestions, but we whittle it down to about 10, because I think 10 is about enough for the running time of the night. Wasn't it 13 the first year? It was a few, but then I think we did, did we do 10 last year? Did 10 music videos as well? We definitely did 10 yeah. So that's what we're doing in November, maybe October, we don't know yet but get thinking if you have a musical bone in your body or even if you don't, why not get involved in your Envision? I've had an idea. Yeah. This is the third time we've done, it's the third. Fourth? Is it? This will be the fourth I think. Oh that's a shame. Why did your joke base itself on the- You're Envision the Turd.

Yeah. I think it is the third time, but it's not the fourth time. No, we did one. No, it is definitely our fourth, because we had the winner, Nostalgia's Gonna Get You, then we had Pertwing, that song, and then we had the Hot Sauce Rap from last year. So that's three winners already.

Fair enough. They're all gonna be on the Cheap Show album, by the way. Oh, that's the other thing you should say to people. You were doing the Cheap Show vinyl album this year. No, and the other thing about the time limit on the song entries for Eurovision. Oh yeah, well we get to the meat of it when we get to the meat of it. But basically no more than two minutes. Don't send us anything yet.

No, not until at least September, once we've gotten the album out of the way, and a few of our big special episodes you've got lined up between now and then. We've got all sorts of stuff coming up and thank you, I want to say to the Patreons, thanks very much. Yeah, thank you very much. Your support does keep this podcast going. So that's it. We should say goodbye.

Oh, hang on. Who is it? Yes, hello. Hello, come in. Shouldn't you be at the practice? I'm coming in now. Shouldn't you be at the practice? Now, Paul, you haven't shown me your bumhole, have you?

No, I haven't. I thought as the boss, I don't need to show me bumhole, do I? No, you've got to show me. If Eli has to show his bumhole have you? No I haven't, I thought as the boss I don't need to show me bumhole do I? No you got to show me, if Eli has to show his bumhole Doctor? You listen to me right now! No Doctor can I just ask? Yeah? This is fine

Yeah it's good Would you like a drink or something? Because I can call the waiter over I'll call him over Hello! I've come back! Ah! Oh hello, yes good Hello Doctor!

Hello you! Absolutely! I know I'm not broken and everything but I've had this thinger and it's itchy Would you want to have a look at this? You will come in the kitchen and you will come and have a look and you will have a drink

and you might not have a drink on us Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah I thought that was... It shows my... And that's Weeks This Week's episode, I guess. That's that Weeks This Week's episode. That was the week that was. Ah, fuck off. Everyone can fuck off. I'm done. Bye. You were done ten minutes ago.

I was done ten years ago. You