CheapShow - Ep 420: Four Twenty

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh Walking along I need more. Oh coming to you soon ladies and gentlemen bear with us the podcast will start shortly here we go no don't mean you should cut this I'm clicking my fingers you are fucking caught you here we go are you gonna is that what you're gonna do all week this week? When I say something. I'm going to repeat it. Fuck, yeah, it's a threat. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:00:48 And now we return to our regularly scheduled podcast, Regulably. Hello, I'm Regulably Scarecrowed. I'm Reginald B Scarecrowed. Focus, focus. No, that's my name now. No, it's meant to be you. That's my name now. No, it's not.

Starting point is 00:01:04 Just say it's my name. It's your name. And what is that's meant to be you. That's my name now. No, it's not. Just say it's my name. It's your name. And what is that name? Reginald B Scarecrow. He'll be coming back. Can we begin? Can we begin the actual pre-see now of this week's episode?

Starting point is 00:01:16 Oh my God. What an utter disaster already. You're not a disaster. You're doing it. I just said the word. You're doing it. Ladies and gentlemen. Don't do it.

Starting point is 00:01:24 Now it's time for episode 420 of Cheap Show. Begin. Oh, that's nice out. Just having a stroll here. Ooh. Might get a Red Bull or something later. I wonder if there's a shop over there. Psst! Psst, mate. What? Mate, just go over here and buy us bushes.

Starting point is 00:01:42 Sorry, are you talking to me? Yeah, come over here and buy us bushes. Come here, mate. Hello,? Yeah, come over here and buy us bushes. Over here and buy us the bushes. Come here, mate. Hello, you. With the beard. I'm actually in a bit of a hurry, sorry. I've got something for you. No, I really have to go. I have to go. No, I'm not interested.

Starting point is 00:01:54 Can I interest you a little bit? Don't walk away. Come here. I've got something special. Stop. Don't touch. Emma. Emma. Emma. Don't. Emma. Emma. Don't touch.

Starting point is 00:02:02 Don't touch my leg. I'll touch it. I've got something for you. I'm a... I'm a beginning up a business. You're beginning? Selling Marjuana. Oh, you mean? Don't touch. Oh my. Don't touch my leg. I'll touch it. I've got something for it. I'm a beginning up a business selling marijuana that I've made in my special hobbit hove. You look kind of green. Yes. Your skin.

Starting point is 00:02:16 Are you okay? I'm a hobbit. I'm a hobbit. I am. You're a green hobbit. Daniel Hobbit. Hello. I'm not shaking your hand.

Starting point is 00:02:24 Shake my hand. It's a matter of trust. I'm a wood hobbit and a burgeoning drug dealer. All right, you're a wood hobbit and they have green skin in the Tolkien mythology, do they? Don't talk about Tolkien, he's a fucking shitter. You know the problem I'm having? Fucking shitter, made up all this shit about us. Hello, Mr. Robert Goblin, is it? Daniel, Daniel Hobbit Goblin.

Starting point is 00:02:45 What did I say? Hobbit? Daniel Hobbit. Rubenio Scarecrow. Daniel Hobbit. Hello. Daniel Hobbit. Okay. Now. P Hobbit. Okay. The problem I'm having... If we're looking at this in a meta way... Standing outside in a sort of god-like view of this podcast.

Starting point is 00:03:02 Paul... Oh, you're talking to me? I'm not meant to be here. You're not meant to be here in the park. What are you doing in the park? I'm not in the park. You were just in my head. This is a scene where you're in the park and it sets up the ending for this week's episode. I thought it was meant to be a goblin to edit now, thanks. And begin. This is also, it's all cold open. You're walking in the park, you meet Daniel Goblin. Right, we're going to say he's a goblin. Here we go. What a disaster. Oh dear. Walking along, trying to go somewhere.

Starting point is 00:03:38 Ha ha ha. Oh no, that's terrible. Whoopsie diddly-dide-o. There we go. Okay. Walking in nice park, nice day. No, that's terrible. Whoopsie diddly-dido. There you go. OK. Ah, walking in a nice park. Mm-hmm, nice day. Oh, somebody's a girl.

Starting point is 00:03:50 Who's that? Who's that? I will introduce, stop it. I'm actually literally going to tell you what to say now, right? You're going to say. You should do line readings as a director. You're going to say this. You're going to say this.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Oh, what a lovely day to walk in the park, right? Then you're going to say. You're going to say. We used to be good at this sort of stuff the park, right? Then you're gonna say, you're gonna say... I used to be good at this sort of stuff, you know that. Then you'll say, oh, I could do with a red ball or something like that, a little bit of character work. I bloody could. And then I am gonna appear as the goblin, right?

Starting point is 00:04:17 Goblin. Okay. And here we go. How many minutes? Say it. Four, it's almost five. Action. Oh, what a lovely day it is in the park I'm walking.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Might get a red bull. I wonder if there's a shop over there by that gate. Psst! What? Mate, come over here. Come over here, bad tree. Come over here, bad tree. I don't...

Starting point is 00:04:39 Hello. What do you want? I'm Daniel P. Goblin. Oh, hello. I'm a... I'm a wood gnome. A goblin. I guess it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really fucking matter. I'm a P Goblin. Oh, hello. I'm a wood gnome goblin. I guess it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really fucking matter.

Starting point is 00:04:49 I'm a goblin. Right. I can see from your medieval style dress and everything. Yes, thank you. And me, leather hat. It's a nice leather hat. Thank you. And I'm a burgeoning entrepreneur and drug dealer.

Starting point is 00:04:59 Oh, you're a... And I'm scouting for potential stone heads to test my latest batch of goodies on. Oh, that's interesting actually. Would you be interested in tasting some of our lovely marajuana? Oh, it's free, what's the catch? The only catch is you have to spread the word and tell all the mummies and daddies and all the boys and girls to come and meet me in the woods. First taste is free?

Starting point is 00:05:21 At midnight usually. Right, and then what do you do? It's the only time my mum lets me out. Do you do something? No, it's just the only time my mum you mom will let me out the house. Oh you live with your mom Where'd you grow this stuff? Do you grow it yourself Rebecca T? Goblin? That's your mom right? Becky Goblin Becky Goblin. Yeah. Well, she's got a bit of a reputation. I have to say around here It's like what she's doing Becky Goblin. I don't need to say it to her in the goblin patch. Anyway, I've got I've got seven I've got some...

Starting point is 00:05:45 Seven minutes, it must be seven minutes now. I've got some new stuff to try. What is this? Marijuana, as in 420? I did it with a little bit of goblin magic. That's what I've done. A little bit of goblin magic. Right, I'll have some then. Right, would you like this one? This one's called the Thakir's Nukes. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:06:01 It's a kind of a robust purpley one. Have a look at that. What do you think? Oh that smells good. That's the one we're leading with. That's the one we're going to kind of... It's a dark, it's got nice, yeah, like purple strands on it. It looks good actually.

Starting point is 00:06:16 I will say this one. With goblin smoke it's like fine, it's like normal fags. But for humans... It's like normal fags. It's like normal fags for goblins. But for humans we're not quite sure the feedback and how it affects them. So when you do do it, when you do have a puff, make sure you've got a sober viewer with you and observe it.

Starting point is 00:06:33 Just to make sure you stay safe. Okay, we'll do, yeah. Right, I'm off the fuck off now because my mum thinks I've gone out to get milk and I've got to go home. I wouldn't worry about Becky T. Goblin. Becky T what Becky T. Goblin Becky, you know what? Why she's been Becky T Goblin someone off. Don't you say that about me mom? I feel bad about that poor Mother you're talking about go right. I'm off. I'm off. I've got the weed And now we can begin episode 420 of cheap show yes the weed one Now, he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he Yes. Okay, shall we do that? Yes. And wow! Jesus. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:07:45 Pass the duchy on the left hand side, pass the duchy on the left hand side. Yes, long awaited and much requested. Go on, talk about weed episode that apparently everyone wants and looking forward to. We hope it doesn't underwhelm because this is a loose fit episode. We're just going to jive, man. We're going to talk about cannabis weed more generally because one thing, Paul, it didn't used to be weed. I mean, I'm getting to the age where when I first started using cannabis, it was all hash. Oh yeah, of course. Weed wasn't even a thing. Skunk certainly wasn't. Skunk was a twinkle in your eye. We're getting ahead of ourselves. Hello, this is the Cheap Show podcast. We need to do a disclaimer and say

Starting point is 00:08:23 we don't really smoke it. This is what we can do now, right? I don't smoke weed. Shut up. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the Economy Comedy podcast where Eli Silverman and I go for the bargain bins, the charity shops and Poundlands, et al of Great Britain. Hello, I'm here. And we bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash.

Starting point is 00:08:40 Now, it is common knowledge that Eli and I are partakers in the Wacky Backy and so we thought episode 420 we would talk about our life. Is it fictional? It's fiction. Disclaimer. Cheap Show the Podcast doesn't recommend, what's the word? Endorse. Endorse the smoking of illegal drugs ever.

Starting point is 00:09:00 We don't recommend it and we certainly don't do it or are doing it right now. That's what we need. That's what we need, Paul. We just need to recommend to people that we are not heroes to some. We don't recommend you copy in your hero's footsteps with this. It's very important to realize that we are fictional characters that do not exist and our weed consumption only exists within the fictional realm of Cheap Show and its characters. Gannon TM, Eli J Silverman TM. Thank you very much. Just to be clear, it's all a story I tell to try and sound cool. Okay? Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:36 Now. And it has been working successfully for nigh on 400 years. Now are you talking about the end of democracy? Yes. Cheap Show is the end of democracy. That is, yeah, maybe that's true. Heavy baby. Heavy shit baby. Heavy shit baby. It's heavy shit baby. So yes, let's talk about weed this week on Cheap Show. Yes, let's talk about weed. Let's talk about weed baby. Let's talk about you

Starting point is 00:09:57 and me. I've got special papers and a bong right there. Let's talk about vapes. Let's talk about the ladies in the back room or whatever it is. Do you say ladies in the back room? Spinderella dressing up one time. Who did that? Salt and pepper. That was a massive hit wasn't it? Don't talk about sex baby. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:18 Don't, it's not don't talk about sex. The song is called Don't talk about sex baby. Let's talk about sex. No no no that's what they sing. The song is called Don't talk about sex baby. I mean I've got. No, no, no, that's what they sing. The song is called Don't talk about sex baby. I mean, I've got my phone right here. Yeah, go on, do it. I'll be proving right.

Starting point is 00:10:29 Why? You've got that look in your eye. Of pure belief in the truth that is coming out of my pie hole. Are you real? Yeah, go on, check it. Are you for real? Go for it. Are you being for real?

Starting point is 00:10:39 Don't talk about sex baby. It's fucking idiot. I can't even believe I'm talking to you about this. Right, before we start talking about weed and cannabis, we've got a point of business here. Have we? Yes. And you know what that is? Go on. It's your tube based story. Take it away.

Starting point is 00:10:53 Okay, it's just a quick one. I got coming in on the train, Tales from the public transport. I was on the train coming in, Piccadilly line coming up from Kings Cross. I thought, you know, I wouldn't rush it. I'd just go on at Kings Cross and go the long way up towards Turnpike. Ah, Piccadilly line coming up from Kings Cross. I thought, you know, I wouldn't rush it. I'd just go on at Kings Cross and go the long way up towards Turnpike. Ah Piccadilly line. Because you can get the Victoria line to Finsbury Park and change. Anyway, the point being is that... So you were heading from Kings Cross on the Piccadilly all the way up? All the way up. Okay. Right up. Right up. All the way up. Right up. Crammed up. Right up. Right to the, up to the throat. The pubic bone. Smacking. Right past the pubic bone, mate. Up past it. Up PUBIC BONE SMACKING PASS THE PUBIC BONE MATE OOP PASSED IT OOP RIGHT PASSED IT Right anyway

Starting point is 00:11:26 And as I'm sitting there All of a sudden This HUGE WAVE of like vomit stench Just like washed over me Why does this? And I looked around to think Have I stepped in it?

Starting point is 00:11:39 Is there a puddle of it? Am I sitting in it? No no no no no I turned to my left And because I was sitting next to the glass Where there's a little bit of a standing space between there and the door, I looked aside and there was a man 30s business suit looking a bit bedraggled sickle down his front. Oh, he's gone down his throat.

Starting point is 00:11:55 And this is what I've come to you like one ish. So this is one in the afternoon on the on the ground. And like he's got a great big like vomity green comabob that kind of thing going on whatever it is. But here's the thing right that's annoying it's horrible it's unpleasant right not much I can do. What was weird though was after a while I heard him talking to himself and all he was saying was oh god god I fucked it I fucked it I fucked it god god no. And he didn't look like someone who was like unhoused or a street sort of person.

Starting point is 00:12:25 No, he looked very well to do. But he just looked like, my theorem is that maybe he got a bit too drunk at lunch. And said some shit. And was a city boy or something. Ah. Was sick. Yeah, maybe he said something he shouldn't have or was maybe to a boss, maybe to a partner and then was sick and then like he's coming home or something. And he's living with his decisions.

Starting point is 00:12:43 Yeah, terrible. Anyway. Or maybe he just, did he seem drunk as well? and then was sick and then like he's coming home or something and he's living with his decisions. Yeah, terrible. Anyway. Or maybe he just, did he seem drunk as well? Yes. Oh he definitely was. But you know that kind of, you're still drunk but you're sober now because you've realised you've fucked.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Yeah, because you just vomited on yourself. Yeah, and it was all down. That's what you do, you should never do that. You should always try and be sick somewhere else. The fucking icing on the cake was the minute that guy got off and I was like, hey smelly man's gone. The guy next to me let off a ripper of a fart. Why do people do this?

Starting point is 00:13:08 Which was so fucking vulgar. Why do people do that around you though, specifically? I don't understand. I don't know why it is. You are the fart whisperer of public transport. I am the fart whisperer. What a great fucking legacy that is. Fart whisperer. Paul Cannon. No one's going to make a movie of that, is it? Clint Eastwood's not going to make a film called The Fart Whisperer, is he? Paul, I have something to break to you. Not wind, is it?

Starting point is 00:13:30 No. No one's going to make a film of your life anyway. How dare you? You don't know that. What if I end up killing a bunch of people and then you make me a show for Netflix? Okay. And they film this scene with someone playing you and someone playing me. You know what, Paul?

Starting point is 00:13:41 And then I get up and fucking jump, jump, jump, jump, jump in the net. Good, good. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump in the net. I, good. I'm glad you're gonna have a third act in your life. This isn't the first open. Who are you shanking? You! Oh me! This is what kicks it off. That's the first scene of this documentary film. You're shanking me in my own bedroom. Timothy Chamoulay is you. Chamoulamoulay. He's playing you and Derek Cumberbatch is playing me. How about that? You think Cumberbatch would do you and Shamalam would do me? Yeah. The Shamabam.

Starting point is 00:14:09 Timothy Shambale. Anyway, him. And that's it. And scene one, we're making a podcast. Oh, Paul's taken too many drugs and Eli's pushed him. Shunk, shunk, shunk, shunk, shunk. Oh no. Now he's gone mad. He's gone mad. I think he has. I think we're already there. Anyway. Podcast of death or something would be called. Thanks for that story. People don't tend to fart near me. Except that time when I was DJing.

Starting point is 00:14:30 And me. I like to fart near you. Remember that time I farted on your sandwich when we went for a walk? And then you ate it. That's what gets me. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. Poop particles coming out. Why do you think you can smell it?

Starting point is 00:14:42 That's the poop particles. And I put it on your Greg Sammy. Did you? Yeah. I rolled over,'t I when you were eating it on the we do a little picnic episode. I don't remember that. Probably because of today's subject Paul. All the fucking weed we constantly smoke and have done for the last 30 years. It's been a friend to me for a while. So I tell you what, let's get into it after this little sound effect. And or anti-drug ad. Oh yeah I'm gonna do that aren't I?

Starting point is 00:15:06 Well it's a show influx. Hey Joey! I got some stuff you just gotta try. What is it? Pot. You know. Marijuana. Oh well I don't know.

Starting point is 00:15:17 Chicken? Joey's in a jam. What should he do? Cake. Get a pizza! Excellent! Get a pizza! Get real! You got it! Let's see if Joey's in a gym. What should he do? Uh, cake. Get a pizza! Excellent! Get a pizza!

Starting point is 00:15:25 Can-real. Can-real! You got it! Let's see if Joey's that smart. I'm not chicken. You're a turkey. He's right! Drunk dealers are dorks. Don't even talk to him. Cowabunga! Cannabis. Weed. Marijuana. Dope. Hash. Wacky-backy. Skunk. Jazz. Woodbines.

Starting point is 00:15:44 The icky-sticky. Icky-backy, skunk, jazz, woodbines, the icky-sticky, icky-sticky, the bud, all these terms, dank-nugs, all these terms are used by the defiler, the smoker, the evil miscreant, the wayward youths, they abuse this, hippies, and then go murder, hippies, yes, hippie, bloody hippie types, hippppies. And it kind of has lost that image in the modern world, hasn't it? I just remember what I was going to do. Right, blah, blah, blah, Eli, what was the first time you had weed? Go on, I'm going to look something up. What are you looking up? Don't you want to hear my story? You go first. Okay, but the reason why I want to bring something first is because this is episode 420, right?

Starting point is 00:16:20 And usually people celebrate smoking weed on the 20th of April, right? Because 420, that's what it is. Right, so there is a day, but it's disputed how 420 is associated with weed. With weed. So I wanted to talk about that very briefly, where it comes from. Now, people thought it was a date or a law or some kind of amendment to the constitution to legalise weed or something. It's not any of that. The story itself is actually, I'm not going to say dull, but low key. Wikipedia says this, and I'll just read that. Five high school students in San Rafael, California coined the term as part of their 1971 search for an abandoned cannabis crop based on a treasure map made by the grower.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Actually, that's more interesting than I remembered. Calling themselves the Waldo's because their typical hangout spot was a wall outside the school. The five students, blah blah blah blah names, met on the grounds of the high school at their meeting place at 4.20 was their meeting time. The Waldo's referred to this plan with the phrase 4.20 Louis. For several attempts to look for the crop, they basically just shortened the phrase to 420, which evolved into a code word that teams used to refer to consuming cannabis. And it was popularized. So it means smoking weed. It doesn't mean just weed itself. It means smoking weed. Yeah. It was a time they met based on the thing of trying to find this hidden crop of goat.

Starting point is 00:17:38 I think that's disputed this story. Possibly. But this is, you know, what is Wikipedia. I mean, you know, Wikipedia is what it is. It was first mentioned in High Times, the magazine, in May 1991. Yeah. Good, what, two decades? It was erroneously attributed to a police code. Ah. And that's incorrect.

Starting point is 00:17:57 The connection was to the Waldos appeared in the December 1998 issue and then explained the story there. Yeah. And then one of the Walters became a roadie for the Grateful Dead. Of course he did. And called for 420 to be the socially acceptable time to smoke weed during the day. And then obviously once a band gets hold of it then the fans do. And the Grateful Dead do have that hippie following. And then it goes into talking about whole civil disobedience of smoking it at 420. Yes, that's what I was

Starting point is 00:18:21 going to say. There used to be legalised weed. I went to a couple. No, but it was a big deal in the early 2000s. It was more of a big deal. People were more supportive of that. But also, it's because it has almost, for small amounts, been unofficially decriminalised in Britain, hasn't it? To a certain extent. Up and down, in and out, depending on who's in power, blah blah blah blah blah. It's a hot potato that just no one ever really deals with properly and no one really wants to. And they could make loads of money for the government if they regulated it anyway.

Starting point is 00:18:52 But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about our personal experiences of it over the 75 years of our lives. And also 420 is like that three digit code is used in hospitality. Is it? Yeah. Six digit? Four digit? Three digits.

Starting point is 00:19:09 There's three digits in 420. You said four, didn't you? I said three. Did you? I don't know. Well, I thought you said six digit. I said three digits. I mean, when I'm editing this, I'll find out.

Starting point is 00:19:18 But right now, it's fun, isn't it? I think you said three. I'd say seven. Seven, eh? I said three. I'll see your seven and raise you six. Calm I'd say seven. Seven eh? I said three. I'll see your seven and raise you six. Calm down. Calm down. Don't you fucking give me that. The only person who's allowed to say calm down in this podcast is me. Calm down. Calm down mate. Now, because

Starting point is 00:19:35 yes, because you can 86 someone in bartending, which means they've had too much. But they don't use 420 in bartending. 200 when people arrive, they say 200. That's no correlation to smoking weed is it? 420, someone's having a joint, arrive, they say 200. Yeah, but that's no correlation to smoking weed, is it? 420, someone's having a joint, I guess. It fits into that system. But it's separate. It's just enumerizing a little. 420 does seem like a realistic time that they'd have a break. In American schools, they start at like 7.30 in the morning, don't they?

Starting point is 00:19:58 And then they finish earlier in the afternoon. So, 420 might be about the time that they get out of school. Well, you'd finish school and you'd be hanging around the bike sheds or the other Waldo's. Waldo's yeah. Waldo! What's that from? It's a Mr Magoo isn't it? Because his assistant was called Waldo. Ah. So he'd be like Waldo.

Starting point is 00:20:14 And then he'd walk into something. And then he'd walk into something. Was there a live action version of that show? Yes, with Leslie Nielsen playing. Oh yes, of course. And, just in case anyone's interested, it is fucking awful. It is really bad, yeah. So I used to work in Blockbuster for a while, and I would just take home free rentals of anything that wasn't rented that night, and I took that home, because I was a fan of Leslie

Starting point is 00:20:31 Lills and I thought, how bad can it be? Very very bad. Very very bad. But not in a so bad it's good kind of way, in a sort of forgettable, forgettably mediocre way. When did you first come across the evil weed? My mum gave it to me. And then what about the weed? Incest gags! This early on, I haven't even warmed up and I'm popping them out! I think I was 15 at the time and I smoked some hashish.

Starting point is 00:20:59 In my head I imagine you smoking it younger and I don't know why. Didn't you say you used to roll joints for your dad? Yeah that was all in my late teens and twenties. Okay. No I was 15 and my mum had, she was like the cool one because they'd broken up a few years before. Right. She had a flat in Notting Hill, a proper sort of hippie pad it was.

Starting point is 00:21:21 And this is what, 80s? No, this is late 80s, early 90s. Late 80s, early 90s. Right, okay good. Just set the scene, you listen to New Jack music. Not New Jack. You're listening, you've got your stonewashed denim jeans on. I do not. And you've got your sweat bands on. So I'm at my mum's place and she lets me, and it was Waterpiper bong and it was hashish. Quite an intense first instruction. And she went out, like we hid it and she went YOLO, there's a bong, I'm off to the shops! Basically, she left me to it and I had an incredible...

Starting point is 00:21:49 Did she teach you though? Did she show you how it worked? Or did she just go, figure this out? No, yeah, she smoked it with me. Because if my mum had just, I mean, my mum wouldn't have, let's just put that out there. But if my mum had said, here's a bong, and then not showed me how to use it, I don't think I would have been able to figure it out. No, she, no, we smoked it together and then she left. Weird. And I was staying at hers.

Starting point is 00:22:07 Why did she say that? Why did she think it was appropriate? I have no idea. She was very much of that type of mindset back then. Was it like a progressive old... She was very progressive, yeah. She wanted to be, since the break up with my dad, she wanted to be more of a friend to me. Than a mother, really. And she thought to ingratiate herself. I don't know why I'm getting deep on this.

Starting point is 00:22:22 I'm just, it's interesting. But, yeah, so. Because I purposely know nothing about you in real life. I know we get on all well on the podcast, but outside of this I don't care about it, but don't know, don't ask questions. So this is all new to me. So I was always very interested in cannabis because both my parents were big hippies. My mum's such a hippie.

Starting point is 00:22:43 How much of a hippie was she? That she got, had to stop doing her degree in college because her tutor was protesting against the Vietnam War. And then she went and lived on a commune on a fucking island off the coast of like the East Coast. Right, okay, yeah. That kind of hippie, right? Life was much cheaper. Yeah. It was easier to drop out. Yeah, true. Okay, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:10 That's why it happened. That's why it happened. Yeah, you're right. Okay, so I have an amazing time, a really amazing time. I can distinctly remember thinking this is fucking amazing, but I was always very curious and had read a lot about weed and it was a big sort of deal for me. The whole 60s culture was very fascinating to me. So was it the culture that brought you in rather than the sensation? Well, I don't know. It was just something that I wanted to experience desperately. Fair enough. And then what, you became a regular smoker back then or was it parties and... No, because I was still a kid. It was really hard to get hold of. You didn't know anyone.

Starting point is 00:23:41 Long before I remember smoking weed, I do remember kids in my high school would smoke it but they would do it. I don't know why, maybe I'm wrong, but I remember them pushing it into a biro with some tobacco and then drawing it from the empty biro. You shouldn't do that. No, well they'd probably use some tin foil and put a tin foil sort of makeshift pipe bowl at the end of the biro. You wouldn't just burn the end of the biro. Well I don't know what they did but there were lots of half melted, well yeah, lots of half tinfoil sort of makeshift pipe bowl at the end of the biro. You wouldn't just burn the end of the biro. Well, I don't know what they did, but there were lots of half-melted... Oh, God. Lots of half-melted biro's outside the Science Class window.

Starting point is 00:24:11 That feels like crack. Oh, yeah. Might have been crack. Christ, I went to a school, didn't I? Yeah, it does. It suits the demographic of where you were. Who's fucking casting aspersions? Fuck me.

Starting point is 00:24:22 Anyway, I had a really amazing time, and I watched a film, which I enjoyed intensely. Because of the high it kind of added to it? It does, doesn't it? It makes watching movies. And that film was 100 Days of Sodom. It was blood simple, it was quite a dark film. So that was your first time, age 15? Yeah. Nice. Do you want to hear about mine? Hashish. Like I I say back then, I do want to hear about it but I just want

Starting point is 00:24:49 to make the point. Fuck me eh? I make the point. Fuck Ganon eh? That it wasn't as strong back then. Everyone can just fuck Ganon. Come on, we've got some stuff to try because. Oh yeah, well tell you what, here's another little thing and then we'll come back and we'll start talking again. I want to hear, but I do want to hear about when you first tried it. Oh, I've gone off the idea now. Everyone listening's gone off. Eli's ruined it now. We were all more interested in Paul's story. That's why we downloaded this episode.

Starting point is 00:25:12 And now we're not getting it. And now I'm going to pull my money out of Cheap Show and I'm going to fucking cause an online riot all because Eli has literally... An online riot? Yeah, and everyone's cross and it's all Eli's fault. So bear that in mind as you listen to the rest of this show disappointed. I want to hit, no, Paul, I really want to hear it.

Starting point is 00:25:29 Well, I don't know. I don't want to tell you or them. Please! Alright, I'll do it. I'll do it then boys and girls. Come on, press the button and then... Yo, I will. Don't you fucking tell me I will. Come on, you. I'll do it. Alright.

Starting point is 00:25:44 Hey, Ellen, wanna hit? Wanna smoke a joint before trying this on? Here you go, Ellen. You want to get high? We got some great tie stick in the back. Smoke, smoke, kind buds, sensitive. You're going to love this stuff. It'll get you really high. Right, so where's my lighter for this cigarette that I'm not about to smoke? Wait, why do you always do this?

Starting point is 00:26:18 It's fine. It's fine. You light a mag- you're a magpie. It's over, I found it. You're a lighter magpie. Fucking hell you histrionic idiot. It's like, oh where are all my lighters? And then I look at your bed and there's a mountain I found it. You're a lighter magpie. Fucking hell you histrionic idiot. It's like oh where are all my lighters and then I look at your bed and there's a mountain of lighters. Can you shut up now please.

Starting point is 00:26:30 I'm not saying you're a fucking magpie. This is meant to be a mellow episode. I'm mellow. You are not. Look how chill I am. Right I've bought some goodies. Oh yeah. I've been commissioned.

Starting point is 00:26:38 Here's Timbrook Taylor. Here's Bill Odi. Smell this. You'll love this. What's this? These are bubblegum. Oh no. Punk monkey bubble gum flavored Rizzlers. Why? Smell it. I'll fucking smell it. Smell it. Pink monkey.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Yeah. Oh Christ that's quite intense. Yeah. But it is that generic bubble gum flavor. You know like. It really is. I find it quite sickly almost. Tops chewing gum. Yeah absolutely. Generic fruit flavor. Why would anyone want to flavor the weed? Well, I'll be doing a little... Yeah, we are going to be testing these later on. But before that, Paul, I want to hear when you first smoked the devil's weed. It was a dark and stormy night, avarice with 1998, maybe late 1997. I was a young lad, freshly escaped from the land of the Wirral. A place I thought I'd be attached to all my life,

Starting point is 00:27:28 and yet a desire to flee was burning inside of me. For fuck's sake. Heading into university as an innocent pup, I was taken in by a group of lovely artistic friends on my film. Can't you just be serious for one second? I am being serious! I'm telling me story artistically! It's not. I'm setting a scene.

Starting point is 00:27:44 It's grating. I had some in the dorm room once, at'm telling you a story artistically. It's not. I'm setting a scene. It's grating. I had some in a dorm room once, at a party in a dorm. And? You ruined the magic of that. I told you it was ruined. It was no magic. I was giving a beautiful, thoughtful... It wasn't, it sounded like a weirdo.

Starting point is 00:27:56 Kind of under milk, wood-esque kind of... It was not. It was smoke, crack, slow, slow crack. Was it crack? No, it wasn't. Are we talking about crack again? I went to university, slow slow crack. Was it crack? No it wasn't. Are we talking about crack again? I went to university, it was very exciting. Up until university I had not smoked at all for various reasons.

Starting point is 00:28:12 One my asthma was a big reason. I probably still shouldn't be smoking to this day because of asthma. But, ah you gotta die of something. Well you do seem quite committed to smoking tobacco. This is the long journey to my ruin. I don't want to have a go about this. No you don't, you fucking seem quite committed to smoking tobacco. This is the long journey to my ruin. I don't want to have a go about that. No you don't, you fucking, how dare you? At least my mum didn't teach me drugs.

Starting point is 00:28:30 I learnt them from my peer group and I was pressured into smoking it. What I'd be curious about Paul was it was skunk by then. Because you're a totally different sort of generation really when it comes to this. I... So, okay, so I... What was it? Someone just handed you it and said this is... Yeah, so we went...

Starting point is 00:28:46 It was like a party in someone's dorm, hall of residence, right? And we went there and I was meeting new people and it was all lovely friends that I was beginning to know outside of my usual friends that I'd grown up with. And there's a certain amount of like, oh, I've got to be in with the cool kids, right? Yeah. So when we're in this one room and we're all just talking and I can't remember what we were talking about, but there's a few of us in this room on the bed on the couch you know on the windowsill all just chilling it's like two in the morning I can see people rolling in the corner and my kind

Starting point is 00:29:11 of innocent mind's going oh I shouldn't be here there's all there's all sorts of things I thought right you'd never you'd never really come across anything like this no see I've got a totally different context because it was in the house growing up yeah my parents were in a fucking cult this is not about you though, is it, this bit? It's not about me. Again, dangerously close to pulling out of this episode. Don't pull out. Can't believe it.

Starting point is 00:29:30 Come on. So, so, so, so, I was watching it and then seeing them getting handed out and being smoked by everyone hanging around and it just felt, I remember feeling, not scared but like... Someone was handing out pre-rolled joints. They were rolling them and handing them out. Oh I see, yeah. You get that. That's a very American sort of thing. I mean, you remember her name. Someone who produces. Christina, she was sitting there in the corner rolling. The one who makes them, the one, yeah. And she was sharing her stash. That's a very hippie American sort of thing.

Starting point is 00:29:51 I mean, Christina was very kind of, very artistic and very kind of go with the flow, kind of chill, chill dude. Hippie, a hippie too. Yeah, but she wasn't hippie like, she just had those qualities, right? So the joints are being passed around, they're getting closer to me, I'm like, what do I do if it comes my way? Do I go, oh no, no, no, and move it on? Oh, everyone else is having a good time, and oh dear, and then it came to me and I remember holding it and going, oh, I've never had one before. And they were like, oh, just hold it. You did say it, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:18 Yeah. And so, you know, I had my first thing, and as I'm sitting there on the bed. You just had one toke. No, I had one or two. I had a couple of deep ones. And I don't remember hacking and coughing it up. I remember that it was reasonably pleasant. As it's getting passed around, I just remember like tuning out of everyone's conversation and just getting this warm hug in my head. It is a warm, it's a... a lot. Some people really hate it and we will talk about the negative whiteys in a bit. But, just as to why I've gone this thought, I think that moment was what made me cannot fall in love with it but kind of realise that all this anxiety I live with every single fucking day of my life and it was worse when I was going to university

Starting point is 00:30:53 and living on my own for the first time and meeting new people. It was high. Even in that room, the anxiety of being in that room with people I don't know who are being much cooler than me and drinking much more than me because I can't handle booze. Well there's peer anxiety, it's hard, even for someone who doesn't suffer from social anxiety, those situations are pretty stressful aren't they? Anyway, when I get that joint and it gives me this feeling, it was like, oh I can now use this for when I have those moments when I'm stressing the fuck out. And then it became this thing that…

Starting point is 00:31:21 You had that realisation then, right at the beginning of using it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was like something that I... I didn't smoke a lot after university, but it was always there at parties and get-togethers. And I'd always have a pinch afterwards that I keep to myself. But then after university is when I think I started smoking it way, way more. Because then it became, I'm gonna be honest, like a crutch to dealing with the shit in my life. And it kind of still is.

Starting point is 00:31:41 And I would argue still is, yeah. So there's at least consistency there. But yeah, it's in my first experience. It was positive, it was fun, but I think I associated it with getting rid of all my anxiety. Yeah, but that is, I mean, it is a medicine, a herbal medicine at the end of the day. And you know, some people do overstate and call it a panacea, you know, whatever. But it's not, but it definitely does seem to work for you anyway. But it's funny how I came to it from a totally different angle and what I wasn't thinking of it in terms of my

Starting point is 00:32:07 anxieties lower. I was thinking of it in terms of I'm not bored. It was like a world opening up. A world of imagination sort of opening up and a visual thing. So it allowed you to reach parts of your brain that allowed you to think differently. It was very much more of psychedelic, a trippy thing.

Starting point is 00:32:22 But you know, it's what I take from it sort of thing. Yeah. But with me, I mean, this is where I kind of jumped forward a few years, is that it wasn't until my 30s that I kind of, I was taking a lot of like anti-depressant medicine and this, that and the other for my chronic depression. And it wasn't working. It was making me feel ill every day. And I was feeling like, like electronically numb. I can't explain it. Yeah. I was on Prozac for a bit. And when I was on Sitalopran, I think it was called. That's the one, yeah, that's hardcore. Anyway, it got to the point where it's like, I hate taking this, is there anything else we can do?

Starting point is 00:32:49 And the doctor I spoke to just went, yeah, take more of it. And I was like, no, no, no. And so I stopped taking my antidepressants and then just started smoking more. And even though, and I need to be careful about how I say this, it's like, I think it worked to me to some extent. It is never something I would recommend anyone else to do in terms of, oh, don't take your meds, just smoke weed. That's such a bad piece of advice. It just should be obvious. But with me, it was like, I hated taking those pills so much and I enjoyed the cessation

Starting point is 00:33:17 I was getting from weed, which kind of gave me the same thing, personally speaking, that it just made more sense for me to just depend on that more. Now, health reasons, long way down the road, I'll deal with that. But for now, the smoking did help. But I just think you're... I don't... What happens, because on the continent... Yeah, I mean continent. People do... And it's like you are a smoker, a tobacco addict. Yeah, there's also that now. And that came from the weeds. It's almost like a gateway drug for something else. Because in the culture, in America you don't, but here in Amsterdam they do all over Europe. This is what they do in this part of the world. Which is weird. I just thought I'd say that. Anyway, so long story short, I mean I smoke it because I enjoy and it helps with my anxiety. It's a crutch I shouldn't really lean on, but I'm kind of

Starting point is 00:34:04 a bit, what do I do without it? So, uh. Well, this has been fun. Well, this is the whole fucking point. People want us to talk about it. We're talking about it. Okay, fair enough. So, oh, it's like the sex episode

Starting point is 00:34:14 where we can imagine you and he, like, pegging each other. Let's talk about that. How about I peg him while I smoke a big blunt off his back or do a bong off his ball bag? How about that? Would you like that? Is that what we should do instead, instead of me being raw and honest? Again, you just want to cut

Starting point is 00:34:27 my tree down mate. I do not. You want to cut down me tree and put up a parking lot as Joni Mitchell once said in a song so she sang it. Now, Paul, have you ever smoked too much too quickly or with the wrong sort of tobacco and had a whitey? Yeah, I've only had one major whitey but boy howdy wasn't a good one. But wasn't that when you drank two bottles of vodka? No that was a booze thing. I didn't even smoke weed that summer. It was I think it was the summer, yeah it might have been the year after that summer from away from home. But no, that was just me trying to show off that I could drink and I could. I polished off two bottles of vodka in a night and then

Starting point is 00:35:02 was sick for six hours. It was not fun. That's why I don't drink and it's definitely why I don't drink vodka. That's not the point. I went to Amsterdam for New Year's 1999 into 2000, right? I was there with my then wife and her dad and all of his kind of students from the Lausanne Conservatoire where he taught. He was a musician. Well, he was a lovely bloke. He invited us all to Amsterdam because he could get a whole building to himself because he knew the owner. So we each had a floor each in this tiny little house in Amsterdam. It was great. And then we were there for 1999 into 2000.

Starting point is 00:35:31 You were living in Amsterdam? No, we were just there for New Year's. For like five days. Sorry, because when you said 1999 to... Yeah, going into 2000. Oh yeah, I thought wow, two years in Amsterdam. I just wanted to make it clear that it was the millennium. It was the 1999 into 2000 millennium. So everyone's in the square. This is the night of the millennium. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone's partying, climbing lampposts all over the statues. There's a giant ferris wheel with a

Starting point is 00:35:54 clock on it. So it's counting down with that. And we thought it would be funny to make the biggest joint we possibly could with nothing but all the wee we bought. So I am not joking, it was like this Lucas A bottle but longer in terms of... This is a large Lucas A bottle. Yeah, this is a big, this is a proper, can't get out of your anus kind of Lucas A bottle. I don't like the new design with the naked half bottom. We're not talking about Lucas A bottles. And it feels like it's pulled its pants up and it's wee-wees out.

Starting point is 00:36:22 Oh no, do you know what it looks like to me? Someone who's got jeans but it doesn't reach their ankles and there's a little gap between there and the socks. It's a bizarre design. Anyway, the joint was literally... It was like that. Luke as a bottle shaped. A baby's arm. A Canberwell carrot. Pawn Stars wanger. It was just a big... No, there's other words for big... John Holmes, Chalky Chonk. From Whiffnell and I, Can Cabwell Carrot is the typical massive.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Do you remember the end of that film? Alright, what about a Jamaican Turner? Would that be good? Yeah, but there's Bifta. Alabama Banana. There's a whole... Oh, I like that one! The Alabama Banana. That's not a real thing.

Starting point is 00:36:57 It is, no. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to smoke my Alabama Banana. No, we don't smoke that. Shut up and tell my story! I don't want to tell my story. Wow. And then we could take a break and eat like that. And then so we're passing this around.

Starting point is 00:37:10 And because at that point, I've been smoking for a few years and was like, oh, fave with the practice. I took this huge draw of it at about quarter to midnight and don't remember the next hour. Yes. I remember it was weird. You know, like when you see in like cartoons, the TV static, it was like, that was my vision. It was like someone had turned TV static or bloud on my eyes And then it was like why I relate I can relate to this and a lot of explosions and those I was filming stuff on a Camcorder so this footage of me go

Starting point is 00:37:36 Yeah, don't remember drinking as well that night. You must have no I hadn't been I hadn't been it was just I took away And it was just it overpowered me. I somehow got back to the house But then after that it was like, oh yeah, it was like I'd come out, it was like I'd stared at a bright light for an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like my eyes. It kind of knocked you out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:53 Yeah, it wasn't fun. Kind of knocked you out, yeah. And I did wee my pants, but I'm not sure if that was a thing after like when I got home and just couldn't be arsed to get up and wet my pants. Oh wow. That's a really, it knocked you down, it nailed you to the ground. This one guy was so bad, he was in a bathtub on his own, crying and being sick all over himself over a couple of minutes.

Starting point is 00:38:08 So it was really too much. We all had too much. It was only really my ex-wife, partner at the time, who was fine because she could fucking hold it. Yeah, I mean I could probably have. I mean I... All right, big boy, you could have maybe. But I remember when I was a teenager, me and my friend Ben went round to his brother's

Starting point is 00:38:24 and we hit too many bongs. I see, I don't like bongs. Too many bongs. I've done them once or twice and I just don't like the experience. It's too much. It's quite a strong way of doing it. And then I had one of those things where I kind of overdosed and I kind of couldn't stay awake.

Starting point is 00:38:37 It's almost like a sativa kind of experience. I couldn't stay awake. No, that's all bollocks. What? Salvia. Salvia, alright yeah, that's all bollocks. Closer to salvia, no. The difference between indica and sativa, which are the two main strains of weed. What's this I'm smoking now? What's this I'm not smoking now? I don't know, which one is

Starting point is 00:38:55 it? Amnesia? No, it's not, it's called strawberry bell or something. Strawberry guava? Maybe, I can't remember. I should have brought the tube that I don't have. But I'm recording this. Yeah. No, some of them are Indica, some of them are Sativa, and some of them are Mix. But people insist, and a lot of really boring hippies at parties insist, that Sativa has this much, you know, a different kind of high. It's got a high... Spaces you out. And then whilst the, you know, this and this, all apparently... A lot of old top bollocks.

Starting point is 00:39:22 They did like proper, you know, controlled experiments asking people about the effects. Oh yeah? And they, yeah, two different, of these two different strains and no one could tell the difference. Yeah. Oh shit. No one could. It's like when with booze people say, oh gin makes you miserable and all of this. It's like, no, it doesn't. It's the same chemical. No. Truth to some of that. Why? I feel very differently drunk on like for instance, champagne or Prosecco. It's only about how it's what it is.

Starting point is 00:39:48 It's the chemical structure of the drink is delivering the booze at a different rate to your system. That's the only difference. Either way. Champagne for example, it's fizzy and those bubbles, you get drunk quicker. You get drunk quicker.

Starting point is 00:40:01 I like that. And it goes to your head and you get fizzy. I do like getting drunk on champagne. But it's not the actual. Prosecco or whatever. And that might have a different, make you have a different mood. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. Didn't you say, I remember listening back to one of our old episodes where we did the second half of the Seledine Walk and you said you nearly whited out twice on that. You said you're having a massive whitey. Oh then? Yeah. Yes. I mean I've had whiteys in the last

Starting point is 00:40:22 year. I was going to say, I've only had one major one. I've always flirted with whitey's. I smoke responsibly. So that was one whitey I told you about. Me and my friend Virgil. Oh, can we take a quick break? Yeah, absolutely. All right, we'll go ding-a-ling-a-ling. I don't know why I said that. It's stimulating, mind expanding, safer to use than alcohol.

Starting point is 00:40:43 It's the in thing, the hula hoop of the jet generation, and as much a part of growing up as smoking corn silk behind the back fence. Such are the myths concerning marijuana. Myths that lull thousands of young people into experimenting with obnoxious weed. The facts are otherwise. Marijuana is an intoxicating, mind-muddling drug. Its use can lead to abnormal behavior, to psychological dependence, and to abuse of other drugs. The human brain, after all, is made for thinking,

Starting point is 00:41:22 not fumigating. It's hardly a tinker toy for experimenting with drugs. This has been a public service message of the American Medical Association and your local station. Previously on Cheap Show, Eli was talking about something. Here he is, part two. So I was with my friend Virgil, who was my smoking buddy, basically, we were drugs buddies, as you say. And we had

Starting point is 00:41:46 some weed, we were always trying to get it. We were always going up to a certain part of North West London and sitting in a car and waiting for one of his mates to go get it. Can I just interject just very briefly. I don't remember how I got weed when I was at university. I just remember having it. I don't remember who the person is I went to to get it. That part of my memory is gone. Probably a friend of yours. Anyway, sorry to interrupt. I just remember like how did I went to to get it. That part of my memory is gone. Probably a friend of yours. Anyway, sorry to interrupt.

Starting point is 00:42:06 I just always remember like, how did I always get to have it? Because Aberystwyth is literally the middle of fucking nowhere Wales. I was at the boarding school in Letchworth, and there was a pub called the Black Squirrel. And that's where you would go. Who from? It's still going. Because you know, Letchworth is one of the only places in the country

Starting point is 00:42:21 that still has a population of black squirrels. So the pub's called the Black Squirrel. Oh, but it's not like the squirrels are serving you weed, like you're not going to go to a tree. That would be amazing. That would be amazing if they came out of the pub. Alright mate! I'm sure there's not a squirrel at the top of this show now. It was all hash then and it was terrible hash and you used to get teeth. Now explain to people who might not know what hash is, because there are different types that you can buy and smoke.

Starting point is 00:42:40 So you've got the cannabis plant, weed. And the female ones are the ones that juice the fruit. Okay, and this is where you get the dank notes. And that is marijuana, which you shouldn't say anymore because it is racist. Is it? Yes. It comes from the denigration of Mexicans, essentially. Oh, does it?

Starting point is 00:42:59 I literally didn't know that. So what's the chosen term now? I call it weed now. Fine, I just call it weed. They call it herbal cannabis. Cannabis is herbal. It's like the herbal form. It's like herbs you get in the kitchen. It's the herbal form, the leaf form. It's like saying kofferly koffer, coffee. Kofferly koffer. Kofferly koffer. Hello, I'm kofferly koffer. Anyway, but hash hashish is the resin essentially. The oils that they turn into.

Starting point is 00:43:27 That they process. The main way they do it, like in North Africa, Moroccan, what they, what you used to get in Britain almost exclusively was what they call soap bar or... Aye, with all the fucking plazze in. I do remember getting that every now and then. You remember that. That was all you could really get. Half a fucking Tesco's bag inside of it.

Starting point is 00:43:46 And that's basically Moroccan and the way they do that is they get all the, they harvest all of the plants and they have all these sieving systems and it sieves all the resin through and then they use presses on the resin to press it into blocks. So basically hashish is a more refined and processed product of cannabis and it has all sorts of different flavours in the way wine would. It's almost like the difference between just sort of weed and a piece of hashish. It's almost like the difference between a beer and a whiskey, Paul. Yeah, just say, you know I put that disco light in to give a bit of kind of... Is it doing your head in now?

Starting point is 00:44:20 It's now beginning to really fucking spin me out. I have no idea. It's like there's a portal in the corner of your bed room that is like begging for me to... I want to jump into the corner of your room. Jamie and the Magic Talk. Yeah, it's kind of weird but I know I'll just... Yeah, fine. I just know I'll end up with a fucking broken nose if I do. Anyway, my dad had this book called The Great Books of Hashish which was all these photos

Starting point is 00:44:43 that these hippies had taken of hashish production across the whole world. And the best one was what they called Nepalese temple balls, made by hand over several weeks by monks, literally. Of course it's by monks, it's never by the Smith family is it? And I was sort of fantasizing about this great hash and then years later when I got to Amsterdam with Virgil, we found some, because you used to get in the menus in Amsterdam. You have all these different things, all these different hashes, you know what I mean? And it was like they got temple ball and it was really expensive.

Starting point is 00:45:11 We got like a gram of it, smoked some fucking passed out for about a day and a half. You know, it wasn't like, you know, it was too strong. It was one of those what it's one of those kind of energy sappers. You know what I mean? It's heavy. Hash can be really heavy. Just to jump forward a bit, I remember moving to one for the first time and my first question was not where's a job? It was where's the place I can pick up weed?

Starting point is 00:45:31 And I don't know who I heard this from, but apparently, well not apparently, it existed. There was a place you could go to in North Clapham. Where are you going? What's going on? No, it's not, it's really off putting. I've got a portal in the corner and then you scurrying about like a black swivel. Give me that line, let's try this bubblegum one. All right

Starting point is 00:45:46 Yeah, there's a mixture of herb and tobacco in it. Yes little thing. So in North Clapham South Clapham What was it? Correct me Clapham North Clapham North We were told about a place called Greenleaf and next door to it was a place that was called cafe Caro I believe both are gone now so I can say what the fuck I like. This is at least 20 years ago. Oh yeah, it is 20 years ago. Shit. Oh fuck. So the idea was that you got to...

Starting point is 00:46:12 Thank you. You got to go into the corner shop or whatever it was. It's just a bit papery, there's not really much taste. It's much more of a smell. It's more smell than taste. I don't like it at all. It's fine. It's pointless.

Starting point is 00:46:21 Yeah, why do you need to... I don't see the appeal. Why do you need that? Maybe it takes the edge off, who knows. Anyway, so you'd go into the corner shop and then you would have to take something from this, it was barely a shop. It was a little cafe, wasn't it? No, it wasn't, we haven't got to.

Starting point is 00:46:36 No, it was a little shop. That was afterwards, the bloke down the road in the taxi office car shop. Originally it was that cafe thing, right next to to Cairo and there were tables in it and you went to the back and there was like a drinks sort of behind glass. I'm not talking about Cairo yet though. No, I know but they had Ribena's, this is Greenleaf, they had Ribena's and then they had a back corridor that used to go in. You had to weave your way down and there was always this huge guy in a pristine white tracksuit

Starting point is 00:47:00 with a big box of baggies in it and it was like, I want to say it was called African Grass but all I can tell you it was like brown and very brittle. It's horrible. Yes. Horrible weed. And that's what, yeah, you couldn't get hydroponically grown proper skunk. Right. It's everywhere now. Everywhere. It's way too common actually. In retrospect, we called it table weed. It's just like, you know, it was your make do bag. But that's what all the stuff in the 60s was like. Yes of course. And so people didn't get as mashed. No.

Starting point is 00:47:27 Well they did because they smoked like fucking more of it in larger quantities. Well no. Imagine you compared to a hippie now. You could smoke them under the table. You're on the strong stuff all day long. Anyway, so you'd go and buy it and then you could go next door or cross the road wherever the shot was that year and go into Cafe Cairo, which is a Hukar, Egyptian kind of place. And you could go downstairs and there's a little area at the back where just everyone

Starting point is 00:47:51 was smoking weed. It was not downstairs. You're remembering it wrong. I'm sure it was all downstairs. It was all on one level. It was at the back. They've got all tents sort of structures over the back. They had built roofs extended at the back of the place.

Starting point is 00:48:01 Oh, I am remembering it wrong now. I remember it being downstairs. There was no downstairs. I swear to God, in my memory, I remember it being downstairs. There was no downstairs. I swear to God in my memory I remember going downstairs. Okay it's a material Paul and I could well be wrong as well. There was a goat. That's that new TV show. And that goat would just speak to you. No that's that new TV show. And it would say three words and you had to sort it out. That severance, you were talking about that before we started. No it wasn't. It was definitely a goat in Cafe Cairo. Anyway. You had to tug it off. I think I did. And we went there for years and that's the only way we could get weed.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Oh, it was a man in a goat mask. One of the only ways we could get weed. Either way, I always got milk out. Anyway. I'm glad you got the milk out. Yeah. I mean, you need the milk, don't you? Yeah, for my coffee. You do need it, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:38 Yeah. Now, and Cafe Cairo nonetheless did allow you, were tolerated. Alan's goat milk. That's what it was called. You could smoke there? Yes it was. It tolerated. It was tolerated, it wasn't allowed. No.

Starting point is 00:48:51 But invariably every few years or so you'd see in a paper or the news it was closed out and then reopened and then it was vandalised. There's like some really dodgy looking stuff going on. I'm sure over the years there's been a lot of similar places around London. I don't mean the pro... Yeah definitely but for me the only one of note of repute was that one in Clapham North. It was the one you used.

Starting point is 00:49:09 You had to go and make the pilgrimage all the way down the Northern line. That place was open. Phil I was like divorced and moved out and got a new place and ended up in East Finchley. And yeah it was East Finchley to Clapham North and that was like 46, 7 minutes one way. Yeah. Then you had to go in. It was a big deal. And some days it wasn't open. And you didn't know. You couldn't call ahead. No. It was funny,

Starting point is 00:49:27 isn't it? You could knock on the door, excuse me, I've come all this way. So you'd have to go back the other way. But basically it was a 90 minute round trip. That was in the different era when it was just the bloke in the cab office. Anyway. Anyway. That's where we got it until... Me and Virgil. Yeah. Oh yeah. We've got some hash, right? Yeah. But we haven't got any tobacco to smoke. We want to have a joint. Oh yeah, of course. Somehow we get what kind of tobacco? Menthol. Oh no. That's something I learnt very early on. When you run out of tobacco and there's

Starting point is 00:49:55 only menthol left, just don't smoke weed. Just don't. You can have a puree. Don't even smoke at all. Or do what I do. Yeah, smoke a puree. But never mix menthol. No. So this is the story. So we had it, it was near the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead and there used to be sort of like wasteland around there. It's all been built on now.

Starting point is 00:50:12 This is how long ago it was, but there used to be sort of like little parky wasteland scrub basically, just up there. And so we smoked this huge like joint. Menthol joint. With a menthol. We both whited out to the extent that we couldn't even sort of stand up. Oh no. And we passed out down the corner, people know South End Green, it's a Gales now, but it's on the corner, it used to be a Snappy Snapps down at the bottom of there. And it's

Starting point is 00:50:34 got a George Orwell sort of relief face in it now, weirdly enough. Anyway, and we both, like, we can't walk, we can't stay, and we both sort of sit down with our back against the shop front, nodding off sort of thing and at some point someone in a fucking car drives up, comes out with a camera and takes a shot of us and gets back in. That's why I remember it. Weird. That was a whitey. Yeah, that's a very bad one. A very bad whitey.

Starting point is 00:50:57 Yeah, aw bless. But also, do you remember those Rizzlers that they used to have, the licorice Rizzlers? Yeah, I did that once, never again. Yeah, don't do it. That's such a strange sensation. That'll give you a whitey. Can you even buy licorice papers anymore? They used to be in the orange Rizzler colour, didn't they? Orange. Orange packs, yeah. Yeah. That's right. Now, I've got some more goodies, do you want to see another goody? I'll tell you what, hang on, yeah, we've got, let's take a quick break. Hang on, I'm

Starting point is 00:51:19 going to have another one. Okay. Kiss the mic. You can have a go at my vape if you really want to be a man about this. I don't like vapes, they make me cough hard and I don't want to. I'm not as much as a man as you. Oh, got another whitey story. The other day after I'd finished shooting a film, I'm not doing these now. Which are these little pen vapes, disposables, that I think are from the legal market, because it's legal in a lot of the United States and in Canada. Anyway, go on. Getting these, but I'm not,

Starting point is 00:51:50 these can bite you in the ass basically. So I finished shooting this film and I'm sort of like, I'm free because it'd been quite intense, you know, sitting around like films are basically. And the person who sort of sorted me out with these pens said yeah, he's a lifelong cannabis user as well, obviously. And he's like yeah, hit this like six times and then I glide home. I mean, there's all sorts of problems with that, but... Many, many, many, many, many problems. But I thought oh, so you hit it six times and that's really good. And I hit it four times.

Starting point is 00:52:18 Yeah. Oh, man, you're telling me about this. Like you were talking about like it was some mystical fucking wizard's trick. It was like four times nay, five times yay, but never six or five. I hit it four times, I was aiming for six, but I hit it four times, had to stop, and I had a horrible negative emotion whiting. Do you know what I mean? I was just like, it's hard to describe when it goes bad. It's a bit like a bad trip. It's not quite as intensely bad as that, but you're negging out. It's like, it's an anxiety and it's like all it's sort of like this focus on your own mortality almost as well. Yes, you know, which you should consistently keep an eye on.

Starting point is 00:52:50 Just say mate, as a loving friend, I'd hate to mourn your loss. Thanks Paul, I'd hate to mourn you as well. So I'm taking a break now. And then it was negging, but then it was all right. It usually is. That's the thing to remember. No, and that's a good point. That's the thing to remember anyone who has done something and perhaps thinks it's foolish. You're probably right, don't do it. No, I'm saying when you're having that bad experience, when you're having that YT, that bad trip, you've got to have the faith that it will get better.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Yes, that's true. Unless you're going to die of some terrible overdose. But all I'm saying is- You can hear about that, and that's a separate issue. We'll come to that later when I get into... Are we coming to overdoses? Paul Gannon's thought for the day. You are. Yeah, I tell her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:33 Oh, Charlie's cat. Shut up, I'm doing a break now. Okay. Fine. Gannon, say so. Gannon, make it happen now. This is Trey. This is crew. Here he is, what he do. Sitting here, hugging the block and smoking weed. Hands spinning on the clock. Look at Trey, he never leaves. Just sit day and day and day and day.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Do his time, listen to his man's rhyme. Tell him how to be a man. He listens out, but ain't got no plan. He only listens, never plays, never think, never say. What he wants or what he needs. Just sit some more and smoke that weed. I wonder if he'll ever leave. What's in Eli's box of goodies?

Starting point is 00:54:09 Yeah, do you remember? Bag, bag of goodies. No one can see it. I've got a story, I've got a story for you. Why are you sounding so ominous? No, because you know this story, you're part of it I think. Do you remember when we were doing the brew outs and we used to do the laughing cavalier's improv?

Starting point is 00:54:21 I mean, that's what I was going to say, Paul. We smoked a shit ton during that. We, that's, but it's what bonded us as well. This is why it is a sort of a big deal. This episode. We used to go out the back and chat and smoke. Yes. Yeah, it was great.

Starting point is 00:54:32 But the point I'm trying to get to is that we were there for a long time. Certainly, you know, you saw your first year of years of it. And we saw it as it went from reasonably popular Saturday night fixture to embarrassing, barely visited, awkward comedy night run by a guy who, God bless him, had lost touch. But it got to a point where some nights we'd turn up and there'd be no audience and we'd go home early. That would happen. And that would happen more and more often. It was a depressing decline.

Starting point is 00:54:58 But I seem to remember one particular Saturday night. We used to get paid, so it was like our money as well. Yeah, exactly. I remember one particular night, were smoking out the back and it was not going to happen. It was like nine o'clock and no one had turned up. So me and you and probably Graeme as well got absolutely fucking baked on the rooftop little area. Because we used to try and hold off before we'd done at least the first set or whatever. Yeah yeah yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:18 We were fucking getting stoned and then performing. I'd always wait till after the gig and then have a joint. But I also... And had drink often as well. Yes but that was fine. That was after then. I never got fucked on stage and I thought that was a good way to... No, no, we didn't. Never. No. But we were fucking mightily Cain that night at like 9.20, just going, ah, fuck

Starting point is 00:55:34 it, we're going anyway. I'm starting to remember this. And then literally, John Lane, the owner, the club manager, whatever you want to call him, just hops up with a little board and goes, we're on. And we're like, what do you mean we're on? We've got an audience in. Who? Nine German tourists turned up and he convinced them to come in and watch it for no money.

Starting point is 00:55:51 And we're gonna do it. Oh God, I remember. And I remember going, I can't do an improv like this. And I don't remember what we did. I have no idea what happened that night when we went on stage. Usually I have a great recall of certain nights. Yeah, no. we got through it.

Starting point is 00:56:05 I guess, but I don't think it was a secret that we were inebriated on stage. I think it was quite obvious to the audience that we should not be on stage doing anything. I think it was one of the most unprofessional moments of my life, despite the parameters of the situation. But you get stoned before you go on stage all the time now. I don't, I have one before we go on stage for a live show. But like when we did 300

Starting point is 00:56:29 I didn't. Yeah, you don't go heavy. But that's what I mean. You use it very much as a… It's a crutch. I understand that completely. I still like to get high. Do you see what I mean? That's what I like. Hit the vape pool. But you do run the danger then of sometimes having a whitey. But I've never had a whitey during the show. If anything, if I've come close to collapse, it's because I'm just fat and old. One does run the risk of having a whitey.

Starting point is 00:56:51 I know how out of shape I am by how much energy I've got left after the opening credit music is finished during a live show. Because if I'm knackered at the end of those 60 seconds. You're always knackered at the end of those 60 seconds. We've got a live show coming up, don't we? Yeah, we are doing a cheerful earful. What about the Birmingham? We don't know yet. We're yet to have that confirmed.

Starting point is 00:57:09 Keep that under wraps. Keep that on the cube. Look at my grinder. Oh, let's have a look at your grinder. This is a Mr. Joint, is it called? I think John Lane was very cross of us that night as well. But I don't care. Anyway, Mr. Joint, it says on this.

Starting point is 00:57:22 It's a nice metal one. Look, it's a five piece. Why is it? You'll see. Oh, OK this. It's a nice metal one. Look, it's a five piece. Why is it? There, you will see. Oh, okay. So it's a nice little grinder. It's a five piece. Oh, five piece. So it's magnetic on the top.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Holds the grinder together. That's the main grinding chamber, which has holes in it. So it falls down to the next compartment. Which has? A little grate. No, it has a gorge. A sieve. A mesh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:42 A mesh. And that means it catches the big chunks of it. And then the finer. And the powder goes to the bottom where? There's a little brush, a mesh, yeah. A mesh. And that catches the big chunks of it and then the finer. And the powder goes to the bottom where another container. There's a little brush I imagine, right? Yeah. Is that what that little sign was? A little squeegee.

Starting point is 00:57:51 So you can scrape your gobbins. It's a nice thing. I'm going to try it out. It shows you it's been built for purpose though. I'm going to try it out, see how it works. All right. But you know what I mean, it's been built for purpose. It knows that the deviants will scratch any little fragments of weed they can find if they're dry.

Starting point is 00:58:04 I know, it's good. It means you get them, you get it all. Like the old trick of getting your grind, especially if it's a plastic one, because it's stuck to the plastic and you scrape the squeegee green on. Yes, which can be very concentrated. It's almost like, that's the resin that they make hash. Yes, and it can also taste the plastic when you scrape too hard. And then you go, this tastes and there's a horrible thing to do, and I'm probably dying. You know what, Paul, that gives me an opportunity to talk about another incident in my smoking dope career.

Starting point is 00:58:32 Now my dad- This is the taste of the seasons of Leelai's life. My dad was a proper hippie as well, right? You know, he just was. He was at the right age in college and everything. Okay. And he was a huge hippie. Was he politically minded hippie? Was he like down with a nuclear war? I think so, but not hugely. And he was quite cynical in later years about the whole hippie

Starting point is 00:58:54 movement. He said to me on more than one occasion, being a hippie just meant people fucking bummed your weed off you. I had that sentence in like to that fucking hell. Bummed as in... Yeah, no, I got it. No, I was... What's the other word for bummed? Begged off.

Starting point is 00:59:11 Back in growing up, I would say taxed. That's right. He taxed it. Yeah, he taxed it. I quite like saying that. Anyway, he made... I'm saying I'm glad that sentence ended the way it did. He enjoyed both of him and me.

Starting point is 00:59:21 I think we, you know, you've obviously got it as well. Quite a sort of proclivity for cannabis. We enjoy it. We enjoy it. Some people don't, you know what I mean? Some people can't operate with it and that's fine as well. I would what they would call a functioning stoner. Yes, same here. I'm not proud of that particularly, but it's what I would say. I'm not proud of it either, but it's the way it is. But I'm less proud of it than you.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Okay, I'm fine with that as well. Because I'm sexier. So it was always in my home growing up, the smell of weed. Doesn't contend that, does it? The smell of hash. The gang is the sexy one. Okay. I know it tastes different.

Starting point is 00:59:53 Oh, I'm fine. There's a lot of people listening who prefer you like, but you're wrong. Just dripping with hot love. There was that one on YouTube who said, I look all of my 50 years and you look like you're still in your 20s. Yeah, well, look, you know what I mean? I can't help it being this sexy. Okay. Can you listen to my story please? Yeah. So my dad, my dad was a lifelong cannabis user loved it as well. And he used to smoke hash in a pipe. Okay. Mainly. Yeah. And I went as a child, I distinctly

Starting point is 01:00:24 remember the smell of it before I even knew what it was. Like that smell. And I used to describe it as the smell of bald men's heads. Anyway. So that complicated relationship with John Lane. Like the blue men. So like John Lane from The Laughing Cavaliers. No, but you know like the blue men. Oh, you know, I know the blue men, oh yeah. It's like their heads would smell of it. Anyway.

Starting point is 01:00:40 The associations are up to you to interpret. Yeah, weird. Anyway, so he had this little pipe, which I still possess, that he made in a pottery class like a wise guy, right, ever. But he'd been smoking with it for years. It was like a clay, little clay pipe. Yeah, fine. He's very attached, I can imagine. What a lovely family heirloom. I've got it now. I've got it now. I value it. I've destroyed it. Anyway, that's part of the story. Anyway, so, but he, for literally

Starting point is 01:01:06 probably a decade from the seventies, he'd been smoking through it. And this in the nineties, I got hold of it. Cause I used to sneak his hash off him all the time. He'd leave it around and used to just shave it off and like, yeah, you bet you thought you fucking man in the world. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, dad. Awkward. I got hold of the pipe once when I didn't have any weed. Yeah. Okay. And there's bits in it. No, not bits, Paul. There's two decades worth of build up in this pipe. So you just literally lit it and you just, and it didn't stop. It kept smoking and I got more stone, perhaps than I've ever been before or since. To the extent where my dad came home, I was in a dream world. Like the whole, the whole of the, my house

Starting point is 01:01:44 sort of transformed visually, like into this. I've never a dream world. The whole of my house sort of transformed visually. I've never had that experience. It was amazing. It was amazing because it was like this concentrated years of it in that pipe. Your dad comes over to see you milking yourself on his bed. No, he came home and he came up to me and he was right up in my face. Are you alright Eli? You know what I mean? I can distinctly remember it. Are you okay? Because my eyes had gone completely obviously. I was like, yeah. Yeah, no I got it. Are you okay? Because my eyes had gone completely, honestly. I was like, ehh. Yeah, no, I got it. Are you okay?

Starting point is 01:02:07 And anyway, that's the pipe, I got it here. So yeah, you heard it here first. Now, I'm going to test this. Eli went to another planet because he smoked his dad's pipe. You heard it here first. Check out these Moroccan... His dad's pink pipe. It was orange.

Starting point is 01:02:19 Oh, well. It was terracotta orange. Well, he should get that checked out. Boom, boom. Boom, boom, Mr. Silverman. What's this I'm looking at now? Moroccan rolling papers. What makes them Moroccan? They're rice.

Starting point is 01:02:31 They're little square papers. And they don't think they're gummed. They're not gummed. Oh, I don't like not gummed papers because then I'm paranoid that it's going to fall out at any time. I might do a little puring. Look, they come in a little book. It's like a book.

Starting point is 01:02:42 Is that right? Or is that... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it could because it was a little terrible book. Very simple a book. Is that right? Or is that? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it could be a little terrible book. Very simple. But the guy in the shop said to me, yeah, very good. They're very good. Okay. Well, I mean, they're just paper. Do you like that grinder though? Yes, I do like the grinder.

Starting point is 01:02:55 £5. Not bad. It's a quality thing. No, it's not my size. Yeah. Well, I'm going to test that out on it. It's very thin. Let's look at a schedule. Yeah. On the whiteys.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Yeah, we've done all that. Munchies are fine. Quality Street we can talk about next. I tell you what, and we talked about buying it. We've kind of jumped around, haven't we? Quality Street. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you about that after this.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Is there anyone out there who still isn't clear about what doing drugs does? Okay, last time. This is your brain. This is drugs. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Right, here's Paul Gannon's story about Quality Street as mentioned in Eli's itinerary of events for this week's episode. I don't know, it's weird how we're doing the weed episode and I'm more organised than I've ever been before.

Starting point is 01:03:51 I know, right? It's my itinerary. The beautiful irony of that. Come on, I need to get my Red Bull. So look, basically, you know, in your twenties, your friends are still your friends and you hang out a lot more because no one's married and has kids and all that shit. They called your fifties the gauntlet. Why?

Starting point is 01:04:05 Because you lose all your friends so you suffer from depression and your life not working out the way you thought it would and also... See you next week on Cheap Show! Apparently you're more susceptible when you're 50 to a 60 of heart attack, strokes, that sort of terminal illness. Then if you get to 60, then you do better after that. That's why they call it the gauntlet, kills men off. Good luck to the both of us.

Starting point is 01:04:26 Either through mental health or bad health. Good luck to you, sir. Well, you're not there yet. No, you are. I know. You're tip toe in the tulips, aren't you? I am tip toe in the tulips. Anyway, so birthday party's at my place.

Starting point is 01:04:39 Oh, oh. What? Go ahead, sorry. Used to be fun, lots of friends, we all used to smoke weed, it was a lovely time. And this is not really the funniest anecdote in the world, but just something that I remember fond to be fun, lots of friends, we all used to smoke weed, it was a lovely time. And this is not really the funniest anecdote in the world, but just something that I remember fondly, is that one of my friends we used to call Bonnie, even though he wasn't called Bonnie or anything.

Starting point is 01:04:52 I remember Bonnie. Yeah, I knew Bonnie. Yeah, Bonnie and Luke and everyone. One Christmas they brought a tin that was in a Quality Street tin, and inside there was like many different types of... Sorry, sorry. What? Are there two tins here? A tin that was inside a Quality Street tin? Wait, what did I say? You said tin twice as if there was a nested tin, like a Matryoshka tin? Oh yeah, because Tintin came for one of his adventures. Tintin and the eugenic experiment. Anyway, thank you.

Starting point is 01:05:18 Thank you, thanks for doing that joke better than I did. Thank you, thank you. I do try my best. Constant weekly battle. So, he brought in a quality street tin and inside were all different types of joints wrapped in different shapes and sizes with the label, you know, with this, with the, uh, sweetie wrappers all around them. Wow. Really made an effort. And some of it was just like wrapped. He did this. Yeah. With his girlfriend and inside he printed out his own inlay. So you

Starting point is 01:05:42 know, when you get a chocolate tin, you used to get a little piece of paper with all the different chocolates and what they were. He literally had written on and designed on his computer what that joint was and what was inside of it. And then that one, that was a whatever he was. Different strains. Yeah, so just all lovely packaged. And I remember keeping that tin and that paper for years. Cause I remember how like affectionate

Starting point is 01:05:59 and well put together and like lovingly crafted it was. Nice, yeah. And they call it quality split as in spliff. Yeah, and that was cute. Spleet, spleet. That sounds dirty. Anyway, ooh sounds a bit rude. Excuse me mother, I've got a spleet in my pants. I have spleet hard. I have splat. I've splunked. I've splat on me. I've splooge. I've splot me splat. Oh, I'm nesting, I'm nesting tins. I've spleet me splatter over here spludge. I fucking spanked you over the wall. Spladged on here bludge. Spladged on here bludge.

Starting point is 01:06:30 Splamonge. Oh, I thought it all gets gunged up. I can't get past all your... Oh, I've had a fruity splamonge. I can't get past all your splamonge, love. I can't believe it. Paul. I think I'm going to black out.

Starting point is 01:06:44 Are you OK? Are you having a whity?? No I'm not really, I'm a professional and I'm a sober presenter of a podcast. Paul, we are going to test out. Kids please do what the video game console said in the arcades of the 80s and 90s, losers do drugs. Something like that. Kids don't do drugs. No, winners don't do drugs. Only losers use drugs. That's what's inferred. And only users lose drugs. That's a funny teacher. Losers wooze it. Oh, it's Spleet.

Starting point is 01:07:09 Paul, talking of... Spleet, round up, yeah. Talking of amusing names with strains of weed. I've got Spleet on me knee. Look at this. What's this? What's that? Cheetah's piss?

Starting point is 01:07:20 Cheetah piss. Why is it called that? That's what that strain's called. We're going to test the grinder. That's the other thing. Where do these names come from? Who comes up with them? Where do they go? Well they have an actual naming con... they have an... it's about what the parent, the blend is. So you have, for example, amnesia haze. You could have something called something else haze. So it's like a two word. There's a whole system of naming.

Starting point is 01:07:40 No, I've got it. I think cheetah piss is just cheetah piss. Why though? Smell it. Does that smell like cheetah piss to you? I wouldn't know, would I? I'm a goat man. Actually, you've got a pissy ting to it. Does it? Yeah. Weirdly. Like a kind of ammonium backwash kind of element to it. There's a bit of ammonia, yeah. Anyway, it's nice stuff.

Starting point is 01:07:56 I don't know. The thing is, cheetah piss, for some reason I'm imagining a thundercat having a piss on Lionel's face. Oh, no, keep going. Yeah, and like, kitten cat. Who is it? It's Cheetara that Yeah, and like, it's Cheetara that's taking a piss. It's Cheetara, yeah, it's taking a piss right on Lionel's face. We fucking knew that. And like pantheras are just watching from us like an archer. Oh, panthro. Just jacking it. Panthro is jacking it hard. Anyway, shut up. Meanwhile, like Mumro

Starting point is 01:08:18 is looking at what's going on for his big magic pot and he's sitting down going Mumro. At boarding school we used to watch that religiously, we loved it. Mumra's kumpop. Mumra's kumpop! Now, I've put some of that Cheetah Piss into the top chamber. Oh he's grinding it all up. It's got nice build quality this. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:38 It feels kind of... What else were we going to talk about before we start a press record? Oh. I said Quality Street and we said buying it because... Getting caught. Oh, getting caught. By the law. I'll tell my story, Dan, quick. I think I've even said this on the podcast before.

Starting point is 01:08:49 But I remember going to the... everything seems to fucking happen at the brew house, but the Laughing Cavaliers comedy show, the weekend thing. Has that grind that to your satisfaction? Yeah, it's fine. It's a good grind that. Yeah. Well done. It does its job. Why does it grind? I don't understand quite the purpose of the mesh. To catch the big bits and let the fainter bits go to the bottom for squitching later. Doing later, yeah. You know, it's just dust catcher.

Starting point is 01:09:09 And the design, you can see photos on the website. Yeah, well, oh yeah, we will have pictures, I guess, now. I wasn't planning on it. Anyway. Not of the cheetah piss, just to be clear. I was getting out of Angel Station with me little ukulele and in my little ukulele bag. You deserved it because of that ukulele, mate. Well, as I said- You deserve everything you get. Anyway, this is not the point of this conversation. It is merely an affected moment that involves it.

Starting point is 01:09:30 An affected moment that... Shut up. It is merely a moment that involves my ukulele. It's just a detail. An ephemeral detail. Is that the phrase you want to think for? Thank you, that's the perfect phrase. The ephemeral detail of this story is that in my ukulele bag is where I kept my little bag of weed. Very clever. Very clever. Do you have a secret compartment? No, not that clever. Just behind the strings? Because as I was coming up the stairs, the escalator, you just see all the

Starting point is 01:09:50 Bobby's helmets, you know, the coppers and stuff. And then you see the dog and you think, oh, let's, let's roll the dice on this moment. And literally before I even got to the gates, I felt this tap on my shoulder. There's a dog sniffing round by me. Come to the side, please sir. Went to a little back room at Angel Station, right, and there's a couple of coppers there. There's a woman, a miserable looking woman copper. It's like good cop, bad cop. There's an I go come in mate, won't take too long, take a seat down. She's like face like thunder. And you know, name, age, all those kind of things, blah blah blah. Where were you going? What are you doing? Oh I was doing a thing. What's that? Oh it's my ukulele. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 01:10:25 All those kind of effects. They're just making weird small talk with me. But didn't they say, I'm gonna search you now because you're a suspect to your drugs. They have to say that, don't they? Yeah, yeah, no, they say so. I've skipped that bit, but yeah, basically I just skipped to the bot where I said,

Starting point is 01:10:33 it's in there, but yeah, check me anyway. And I just said, it's in there. And they took it out and confiscated it. You told them. And they were like, oh, where are you going to? Oh, I do comedy. Oh, tell us a joke then. And I was like, no, no, okay, I don't.

Starting point is 01:10:43 It's improv. And I, you know, this is halfway through the interview where they take my details. And she goes, oh, what do you mean by improv." And I was like, no, no, okay, it's improv. And this is halfway through the interview where they take my details. And she goes, oh, what do you mean by improv? And I was like, well, I'm very good at making things up on the spot. But not the stuff I've just been telling you for the past five minutes. So that's all, I'm really there, ha ha ha ha ha, sing us a song, tell us a joke. And then it's just getting more and more awkward. All of a sudden the door opens up and this guy comes in with a long kind of, you know, what they would say in a sunny in Philadelphia, a duster.

Starting point is 01:11:07 And he's standing opposite me and the guy just goes, raise your arms. And the policeman gets the guy to raise his arms. And like literally out of the duster, they're pulling out massive jars full of powders and bags of weed and just like he's a one stop shop pharmacy. And the woman just looks at me and goes, yeah, you can go now. And I was like, yeah, no fucking shit I can go right now. And then whatever happened to that guy. Anyway, I got a caution. I wasn't allowed to be arrested for like nine months or something. Yeah. Yeah. A very similar, a very similar thing happened to me at Tottenham Court Road.

Starting point is 01:11:37 I got to the top of the escalators and I had a really tiny amount of weed on me as I usually did throughout the whole of the last, I usually... Forever, since ever. Forever. A dwindling little corner of a plastic bag. And an ongoing eternity commitment. And I cut to the top of the elevator in Tottenham Court Road. This is when they had the mosaics before they rebuilt Tottenham Court Road of course. And this little dog comes sniffing up at me right at the top and I just thought, oh, it's a dog.

Starting point is 01:12:03 It's a lovely dog. It's just a dog, you know what I mean? I mean but then it's like oh there's a police person attached oh they've sniffed the wig. So they found a tiny amount and my pipe. Fucking grass dog. And they found a tiny amount in my pipe and they you know just gave me a caution. Caution. But there was a guy exactly like your story. Might be the same fucking guy who knows. There was a guy and they literally lifted out a huge bag, like a pound, of a herb and also scales. I saw the scales coming out of this guy. If you've got scales you can't just say, oh I'm a user. It's like, well no, a user doesn't

Starting point is 01:12:32 carry around measuring equipment. Anyway, it should be decriminalised anyway. Amen brother. Because I mean, just going to the point where I say, yes I smoke a lot still, yes I need to cut back, all these obvious very true things that I need to do for my health and my well-being. I think you should try and separate your nicotine use from your weed use. Yes, that's a discussion. My point is that day to day, I won't use it until I'm done for the day with my work and responsibilities. That's how I get to function. Oh, what are

Starting point is 01:12:57 you sniffing? Look at this thing. Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a functioning thing and it's a problem I know I need to deal with and as I get older it becomes more of an issue. I'll figure that out. It's the smoking itself rather than the cannabis use I think. I'll figure it out. It's the smoking itself rather than the cannabis issue I think. I'll figure it out. It's the tobacco. I've got to.

Starting point is 01:13:09 Anyway, look at this thing I brought. Yeah, just discount my personal mental demons. I'm not discounting you. I agree, Paul. I agree with you. Yeah, do you? Yeah. Because you basically told me to shut up and look at what I brought.

Starting point is 01:13:17 I'm just trying to move it on, that's all. I think this has been good. So my stories are worth more moving on. No, I like your story. I love you. I love you, Paul. I love you. You're mentally endangering parents. I love working with you. I like I love you. I love you. You're mentally I love you. I love working with you Don't you dare?

Starting point is 01:13:29 Don't you fucking dare throw that at me? I throw the love card my way Well, what why you keep sitting on it for nearly a decade now and now not like that I would have my most vulnerable. Do you bring out the love card? How am I meant to process these feelings? I don't know. I'm just being honest. I'm having all sorts going on right now. I've got hate, I've got love, and desire, and passion. Are you doing... And I've got a lot going on.

Starting point is 01:13:55 Are you doing that scene from her? Yeah, whatever it is you're about to say, I'm ripping off. I'm doing it, yeah. Fucking hell. Right, now to smell Eli's tube. Right, here we go. No, you have to tell him what it is. It's Eli's gave me a little plastic tube. You gave me, you said you were worried about this episode and you said go and get some stuff.

Starting point is 01:14:11 I know, I know. I'm trying to introduce it. I know, but I wish you wouldn't discount my feelings so much to get to me. I'm not. Anyway, this is a little plastic tube and inside it says two blunt cones, Chichen Chong, the patron saints of weed smokers apparently, American tear pennies? Turpenes, which is what gives weed its smell and flavour. Flavoury cookie. So these are what? What is this then inside the tube?

Starting point is 01:14:30 It's a hemp leaf that they've made into a cone that you can put stuff in. It's from, I was reading the back, it's from... So what, is it this thing, the green thing here? It's green tube. Look at that. What is it? No, that's just... That's just a separator. That's just a separator.

Starting point is 01:14:43 Just a little bit of business. Just a stick, yeah, to keep it, yeah. Look at that. There's two of them. Nice. I'm going to use one now. Alright. And it's a leaf.

Starting point is 01:14:51 It's like a cigar. But that's a hemp leaf that comes from the hemp that they grow in the States, which they grow strains that have a legal amount of THC, i.e. none in. How come this is legal then? Because it hasn't got THC in it. It's not psychoactive. It's just a sort of neutral weed leaf. Okay. Cool it. It's not psychoactive. It's just a neutral weed leaf. Okay, it's really adjacent to it. It's quite cool.

Starting point is 01:15:09 And it's got a real... I might have to take a picture before I use it. Have you got anything? I'm going to use one. We should put something special inside of it then to celebrate this episode. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to do a mix of the Cheetah, Pearsons and... And then this is where we bring in the plot. We wrap this fucking episode.

Starting point is 01:15:21 Oh yeah. So that's why I'm saying... I actually want to smoke something. The fakkiest moves. I actually want to try this. No, I know, but we can work it into the plot. Tell people what it's like. Yeah I know we can and then we can move into the fucking plot can't we? Okay fine. You know so we can smoke it and then we say... We won't put the cheetah piss in, we'll put that special stuff I got for the goblin in. Yeah the stuff I don't know what it's called, it's called fakir's hook noose.

Starting point is 01:15:38 Fakir's the fakir's noose. Sword, you don't know what it's called. No it is the fakir's noose. Oh you really? Fakir's noose. I'm 100% behind that. Not your greatest moment. It has to be said. I'm sorry about your feelings. You give me mixed messages here mate. One minute you say you love me. And the next minute you throw in this rejection my way.

Starting point is 01:15:55 What is love if it's not accepting the flaws but noticing the flaws in others? My heart is like a rotating door in a building. Rotating in and out, round and round. In and out, round and round in and out round and round i get so this is how do we get it in there we put take it put it on a piece of paper you pack it with tobacco mix it then pack it in not putting tobacco in all right don't then i don't think i should ruin it all right fine don't do it then all right we're gonna do this then which is uh we're not doing anything but we're gonna do something right now and then we'll come

Starting point is 01:16:21 back and wrap this up we're gonna wrap this up now. I might have gone off the idea now of the finale. I think this is enough. Paul! I didn't like the idea in the first place. What do you want to do? I think we should smoke some shit in one of these cones. Alright then and then we'll use the Fack Ears hook which you told me about before we start a recording of a man you got in the woods to give you it. A man I've got in the woods to give you. A goblin! You told me a goblin met you in the woods, didn't you? That's what it is. I'm just skipping to it. I'm just pressing stop now. I've had enough.

Starting point is 01:16:49 Oh, I think... What? There's some paper in there. I know. I said that to you. No, like there, look. Yeah, I said that to you. So did you take that out or not? I think you put it in there and then take that out around it.

Starting point is 01:16:58 I'd imagine so, yeah. That's probably it. Or maybe it's for structural integrity while it's in packaging. Yeah, I think that's it. Right, can I press the sound effect please now Mr. Eli, Daddy Man? No, I need you to help me build this. Well we could do it while we're not recording. Well people might like the craft of it.

Starting point is 01:17:14 No one does. I don't. You don't like anything. And I'm in charge of who people listen to in this podcast. I think you've got undiagnosed ADHD. I think you've got undiagnosed punch in the face. Exactly. How about that?

Starting point is 01:17:25 Well done. Yeah, thank you. You've got undiagnosed I'm a twat syndrome. I think I'm going off what I said earlier. Yeah? I think I don't mean... I love you. How about that? Mix with your art, see how you like it. The facts on marijuana. Marijuana does bad things to your heart and lungs. People who smoke marijuana can get sick more often because it hurts your body's power to fight disease. Marijuana gives you bad breath and stained teeth. It can make you overeat. It gives some people problems with memory. Others get sudden panic attacks. Marijuana affects each person's mind and body differently. There's no way to predict what it might do to you. If you don't like what you did, use your imagination to change it. Put yourself in the picture.

Starting point is 01:18:24 Paul has matured everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, a contentious moment of a recent podcast episode contended that I was wrong about Oops Upside Your Head by the Gap Band, which I was like Oops Upside Your Head went into, I don't mean that you don't know good. Which is how that tone goes, but you also conflated Get Down On It by the Gap Band. Which says, well how you gonna feel if you really don't wanna dance by standing on the wall? Get your back up against the wall. So there's a similar little phrase about...

Starting point is 01:18:54 We were both right, we were both wrong. And we've grown. We've come together in unity. My pants. Right now. Now, it's time for you... Yeah? ...for us to road test this blunt, this hemp leaf blunt.

Starting point is 01:19:06 Can you pass me the um... Gwendolyn's blunt? What did you say? Gwendolyn's blunt. Hemp leaf. Hemp leaf. The tube. Pass me the Cheech and Chong tube.

Starting point is 01:19:14 You want to talk into the microphone because you know... Blueberry flavoured terpenes. Blueberry flavoured terpenes. Blueberry flavoured terpenes. Right. I'm going to just... How much money do you think Cheech and Chong made off of fucking licensing weed stuff? A lot.

Starting point is 01:19:24 They also... Because for me, the patron saints of like listening material during weed, it's like Cheech and Chong, which is the obvious choice, but then Derek and Clive for the kind of like slightly more fucking off-kilter attempt. Yeah. It's great listening to comedy. That's the other thing. Python albums used to like listen to Stoned as well. And you see, when I was getting into smoking weed, I would very often think of myself as sort of superior to the drunk. And that is a thing. Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:19:48 It's that old adage, I would rather meet five stoners in an alleyway than five pissheads. Which still fucking I can tell is accurate. Booze does more damage and is less sort of fun in every way. But. And drains the health service of necessary resources and stuff. So yeah, let's get on to that. Yo, yo, activate. If you're listening, anyone, we've been brainwashing you for 10 years. I'm now going to say the code word. It's time to take down the government of the country you're in. The code word is

Starting point is 01:20:15 Alabama banana. That's two words. Activate, activate, activate, burn it down. In anyone's language. Eat the rich. Here we go. Activate. I'm activating a revolt. Burn it all down in the name of your Lord and Saviour, Paul Michael Gannon. One word. Alabama banana. It is, it's spelt one word altogether. Alabama banana. Good save.

Starting point is 01:20:38 This has got terrapins in. Oh, like little swimming creatures. Hey, little swimming creatures. I've made a joint. Hey, little swimming creatures. Terrapins. Yeah, it's got little terrapins in. Where are my scissors? I don't know. Do you want to just put the microphone over that way? No, hang on. Now you're too loud. You're so inconsistent. Right, shall we like this? You're going to taste this, I think it's called Fack His Sword or something. No, we'll keep it separate. Let's just do this in there and

Starting point is 01:21:04 then we'll do the other one which is oh. So this does have a combination of strawberry guava was the name of the strain you were trying to remember. Yes. Which is lovely smelling skunk isn't it? See, skunk is in many respects a problem because it's more powerful than the stuff I used to smoke 20 years ago, easily. But you dose yourself.

Starting point is 01:21:24 You just lace cigarettes essentially. You lace filterless rollers. So I'm not smoking extensively in vast quantities. It's more like a thin amount across the day. It's not great. But what was my point? Oh dear. Whereas I've got that vape thing, which is a herb vape. When you put herb in it, it heats it. Boils it. Like those cigarette devices. Have you seen those things they've got now? Yeah, like vapes. No, no, they actually use real tobacco and just pass hot air over it. So it's meant to be better for you because it's not actually combusting. I mean this thing, it's a crafty

Starting point is 01:21:58 plus if anyone's... Yes, you've made that appearance, you've made an appearance on many episodes with that. That's the one that gave me the whitey on that walkabout. Yeah, when you wank out in certain episodes. Now, are you ready to go at this? Let's do it. It's a lovely looking thing, lovely green colour and it's got a band like a cigar. I've forgotten the point I was going to make at the beginning because you know, and I was talking about that and then now I can't remember what I was talking about five

Starting point is 01:22:20 minutes ago. Anyway, we're going to smoke this. I'm not going to smoke the whole thing because it is pure. Yeah, and I don't like really smoking pure from being honest with you. You just have one toke. Yes, no, I'm not gonna do anything ridiculous. Then we'll put it out. That's something you've got to make last. It's gonna last me at least three days, probably.

Starting point is 01:22:34 Yeah, well there you go. If it's nice, I hope it's nice. Otherwise, I'll just empty it out and use it. It's what I call a rapper's delight. W-R-A-P-P-E-R. It's got a nice... A rapper's delight. Almost a cigar-like... a rapper's delight. Almost a cigar like. A rapper delight. Yeah, like, you know, WR. Do you smell it coming off the top? Oh yeah, it's an interesting... you know, right in the eye as well. Sorry mate. Sorry. Right. I think

Starting point is 01:23:00 we've done well. Oh, this tastes good. I don't know how long this episode should have been or needed to be. Maybe it's too long. Fucking hell. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, I know what's coming. So that's why I'm going to take a small draw of this. Oh, he's gone already. Oh, here we go. It's what they wanted to hear. Two old men coughing their guts up in a podcast. Yeah, that is quite tasty, but that's too much for God. Yeah, it's that puerile.

Starting point is 01:23:23 Yeah, that is quite tasty but that's too much for God. Yeah, it's that puerile. Oh God, oh God, oh God! Take a sip of water, Jesus! Oh dear, my eyes went forward. Was that enough for you? My eyes went forward for a bit there. That's when you smoke it pure like that. Yeah, that can be very coffee.

Starting point is 01:23:37 Yes, no, lovely, lovely aroma, quite nice, very smooth. But yeah, I can't, I can't. Well it's not smooth is it? Because it made you cough. No, no, but the taste, the sort of... Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't, I can't. Well, it's not smooth, is it? Cause it made you cough. No, no, but the taste, the sort of, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. It's not, that actually is quite nice. Yeah. And that I've had enough.

Starting point is 01:23:52 Gentle, gentle. Yeah. That is good. But this is, that's what I mean. This obviously was made for like where it's legal in the States and stuff, but that's a different way to hit it like that. It's not the way you do it really.

Starting point is 01:24:02 No, no, no. You know what I mean at all? Mine are like pencils when I fucking roll them. Look at that. Looks's not the way you do it really. No, no. You know what I mean at all? I like pencils when I fucking roll them. Look at that. Looks like a piece of chalk. Well. What a wanker I am. I'm gonna cry now. No, I just want to say that pen vapes have been an eye-opener for me because they're cool. And when I first got hold of one, I was out, you know, shopping for charity stuff.

Starting point is 01:24:19 I want my popcorn now. Oh yeah. I was out shopping for charity stuff and I hit the vape and I came home with all sorts of crap because of the colours you know. It enhances colour. It does enhance colour and it enhances your enjoyment of music. Does it? Yeah in most people I'd say. Okay. Don't you find it enhances your... Well no because my... I've eaten popcorn now I'm talking it's very unprofessional hang on. Nom nom nom. No because the problem is with me I love music and now that I've bought a vinyl player and have a vast vinyl fucking collection, I think I appreciate listening to music differently. However, if I'm getting stoned and I just want to chill out to something, I'll put a

Starting point is 01:24:54 podcast on or an audio book. Or one episode of my vast collection of fucking 60s and 70s Just A Minute or I'm sorry, I'm having a clues. Well, I've been watching YouTube whilst playing belattatro and I've been loving the fuck out of it. I'm sure you fucking have. That's pure just distraction and sort of relaxment. Yeah. You know what I mean? I look like a philosophy video or something on YouTube and just play

Starting point is 01:25:15 Bolatro. It's kind of cool. Yeah. While smoking or is this just things you like doing now? I smoke every day Paul though yeah. That's not what I said. We've got to do a bit now. Yeah we've got to do a bit now. Oh Paul though yeah. That's not what I said. We've got to do a bit now. Yeah we've got to do a bit now. Oh Paul, you like unusual stuff. Yeah I do. I was just thinking the other day I would like to try something a bit new and different. Spice the palette up. I've got you mate. I've got you yeah it's weird

Starting point is 01:25:40 it's a weird coincidence because I was in the park. Yeah. Wendersby's. Wendersby Park is it? The one that's just north of Granville Parkway. Could just come up with a real place. Wendersby. Yeah. It is a real place. What are you talking about? It just sounds like you've made it up. Wendersby. It sounds like a real place. It is. Sounds like one of Eli's titty bollocks words, doesn't it? I'm not disagreeing with you now.

Starting point is 01:25:59 I'm just saying when you first said it, it didn't seem legitimate. I felt like a bunch of consonants you jammed together. Is there a place called Wendersby? So you don't know? No, you don't. I got you the other way, didn't I? Birmingham. Yeah, are you right? It was just in Birmingham where you were. Anyway, this fucking guy and he looked green and he couldn't decide what kind of fucking mythical creature he was, but he was because he had a leather hat. Oh, was that Daniel? Daniel Goblin? Hobbit. No, we talked about this, he's a goblin! Daniel P. Goblin!

Starting point is 01:26:28 Yeah, was it him? Cos I saw him the other day and he was trying to hawk his shit at me, I just didn't trust him. Oh, well I got some, cos he gave it to me free. Oh good, oh for free? Yeah. What's it called? Fack his axe, Fack his...

Starting point is 01:26:38 Oh, erm... Fero's swinging rope, what's it called? Pendulum... Spleet Splunge. Spleet Splunge? No. It's not called that, what is it called Paul? Fackier's Noose. Fackier's Noose.

Starting point is 01:26:48 That's the stuff he was trying to sell to me. Mate, I've got some here. Have you? Yeah. Oh, should we try it? Can we? No, but he said something about, he should only, I mean it's meant to be really, really strong.

Starting point is 01:27:00 Yeah, but how strong can it be? He said you should only, he said you need someone to watch you whilst you take it sort of thing. Well then you watch me when I take something? Okay, are you sure you want to try it? I'll do anything, me. I am dead good aren't I? Don't let me peer pressure you into doing it again. No, everything I've ever done in life has been through peer pressure, this is just part of the course. Continue A.

Starting point is 01:27:18 Okay, it's here. Oh he's already pre-rolled it, that's handy. Good for timing. Alright, here we go, bear with me, where's me lighter? Have you fucking got it again? I've got it here. It's literally. Magpie. It's look and. Kaka. Eli, the magpie. I hand it to him. It's more like a-a. Literally, less than a second later the problem is solved. So there isn't really a problem in the first place is there? I'm Eli Magpie. No, because we're sitting literally. I can smell his balls. You can't smell my balls. they're daisy fucking fresh. How dare you?

Starting point is 01:27:46 They've got a... Who said it's not freshness I smell? Who says it's not ball freshness I smell? Who says it? Who says that ball? Well it's inferred, isn't it? I smell your fresh balls. Because if it's a fresh pair of balls, you just don't comment, you go, hmm.

Starting point is 01:27:59 I'm just saying, we're very close, so you getting all pissy about the lighter is utterly pointless and it's fucking in your hand. Less time than you could send. Eli the Magpie. Ah ah ah. Ah ah ah. That's quite good that bird. Thank you. Ah ah ah. He's got the intelligence of an eight year old. If anyone has any questions by the way get in touch with me.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Why? What kind of questions do you have? Because I feel you haven't been serious about stuff. Oh I'm not even too loud. You haven't been serious about stuff. You haven't been serious about stuff. I've been very serious about stuff. You always bring it back to you. You always bring it back to you. Daddy made me flowers.

Starting point is 01:28:34 I just have a life, Paul. Mummy made me tea. Each of them got me dependent on the icky sticky greens. I have more of a history with the substance than you, don't I? Well done you. I'm not saying well done? Give you a fucking badge. Give you a badge that says Eli's Icky Sticky Badge. I like badges.

Starting point is 01:28:47 Yeah. Icky Sticky Eli I'm going to call it. I'd like a badge that said that on it. Yeah, well I'm going to make you a badge that says Icky Sticky. Are you going to make me a badge? Yeah. Are you really? You're not going to, are you?

Starting point is 01:28:55 You never do that. Eli, Icky Sticky Eli. Everyone. I'll believe it when I see it. Right, here we go. I'm going to smoke this. No, keep an eye on me, keep me safe. What's it called again?

Starting point is 01:29:03 Chandos's Curtain? No, it's not. What's it called again? It's called Facky as Noose. What's it called again? Facky as Noose, Facky as Noose, ba dum dum, Facky as Noose, Facky as Noose, ba dum dum, Facky as Noose, Facky as Noose, Facky as Noose. Jewsbury pig helmet? Facky as Noose, Jewsbury pig helmet. Yeah it's, it lodged in you. It wringled. It lodged in you. I'm going to smoke this and then we'll see what happens, all right? Here we go, we won the big finale. I'm here for you, Paul.

Starting point is 01:29:32 Just, you just, I think you should have a safe word. And we all know what that word is going to be. That one word. Chandler's handbag. Ah, ah, ah, Chandler's. Alabama banana. Yeah, if I say Alabama banana, pull me out. How do I pull you out?

Starting point is 01:29:44 Out, not off. Right, I want you to pull me off. How do I pull you out? Out, not off. Right, pull you out and off. Pull me out by pulling me off. Pull you all the way over. Yeah, pull me out by pulling me off. I have to wank you off to get you out of the trance. Give me my creamy alarm clock calling please. Here we go. Beep beep beep Spelouchy. Have you? I'm doing it, here we go. Beep beep Spelouchy? What? Beep beep Spelouchy. Do what band?elushi do what band? shut up let me smoke Jesus got angry with me then just trying to be funny I mean there's been a dearth of laughs yeah he's inhaled it hello hello where am I?

Starting point is 01:30:25 Eli's room's gone. I'm just in a weird forest. Little toadstools and a little frog with the face of Annika Rice. I'm very confused. Are you here for the curtain, man? Who said that? Down here. It's... what are you? I'm the Annika Rice frog face.

Starting point is 01:30:44 Oh, God. you? I'm the Annika Rice Frog Face. Oh, God. Hello, Little Frog. Hello. Have you come for the Forest Curtain Pulling Man? The what? That makes no fucking sense, you idiot. The man. He's here to let you in, but you've got to believe. Oh, I believe, Annika Rice Frog Face. Take me to the Curtain Man. Follow me. I'm to the curtain man. Follow me. I'm hopping up against you.

Starting point is 01:31:07 I'm hopping too. Hippity, hoppity, hippity, hoppity, hippity, hoppity. Oh, where are we now? Oh, um. Improvise harder, Eli, quick. I'll leave you here. I'll hop off because I've got TV to do. But the curtain man will be along in a second, okay? Hop off I hop.

Starting point is 01:31:31 Oh, bye bye. Bye bye, Erica Rice Frog. Oh God, this is intense. All the colours. There's too many colours. Who's this? Are you here for the curtain callin'? Err, yes. Talk dark handsome stranger. Err, flattery will get you nowhere. Err, have you bought the, errr, payment? Why, I have brought four cockle shells. Four cockle shells. Put the cockle shells in the pockets.

Starting point is 01:32:02 Don't let me see you do it. One cockle shell, two cockle shells, three cockle shell's in the pockets. Don't let me see you do it. One cockle shell, two cockle shell, three cockle shell, four cockle shell. Ah, thank you sir. If you just go this way behind the curtain. Do I take my pants off, Mr. Man? I'll throw you out of the place if you try that any funny business like that. Come on, it's my trip. I want to get me willy out. You haven't't got a Willy here. Hey! No one told you. Look have a look. Hang on. It's just a bunch of ducks. You've got a ken mound. I've got a ken mound then why has it

Starting point is 01:32:35 got a rubbly duck head on it? I can't help you with that sir anyway I've done my job. I've got a rubbly duck for a cock. I've done my job here so thanks for the cockle shells I'll be flying off sideways Oh I'm in the bath with me cockly rumbly duck Splishy splash Oh who's this? I'm your mother Oh mama, rumbly duck is dirty, Clean my rumbly duck, mama. My teeth are chomping on the rubber bits and all the little pieces of rubber are going in my stump stump.

Starting point is 01:33:11 Oh! Oh! Eli! Paul, wake up! Paul, Paul, you stop your rubbing. Mummy wants to eat my rumbly duck. But, Paul, wake up, Paul! Alabama banana, Alabama banana! Oh!

Starting point is 01:33:28 Paul, mate, you were like, almost like, fully wanking. Yeah, I mean, it's disgusting. Get out. There was this kind of... Get out of the house. What, I don't want to know. I do not want to know. I was having a dream.

Starting point is 01:33:40 You were touching yourself. Yeah, you were having a... I was having a dream with Annika Ricefrog and then... What are you talking about? A man who put me in a bathtub or something. What are you talking about, mate? And then this woman who claimed to be my mumma but looked like, uh, Sue Pollard... Watch it.

Starting point is 01:33:54 ...came in. Watch it. What? There's a lot of love for Sue Pollard, not in an ironic way in this podcast. I'm just saying, in the dream, it's like she called herself my mumma. Are you awake? Are we outside the fantasy now? I don't know what the line is between reality and a blurry dream. Is this still, am I still in the dream? This is going to be the

Starting point is 01:34:09 fucking least popular episode we ever do. Right, let's just call it off here then. I'm done. I'm on out. We're not going to end it. I just want to get done. Bye everyone. Pass the blood.

CheapShow - Ep 420: Four Twenty

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