CheapShow - Ep 429: Grumpy's Showreel

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

It’s another week, it’s another familiar episode packed with tat, snacks and … Pardon? Who’s that at the door. Who? Grumpy Sessions you say? Why has he got a big box of VHS tapes with him? Fine. Let him in. Whatever he wants to show us, shouldn’t take too long. Paul and Eli are going to have to tolerate Grumpy’s return to the show this week. We apologise in advance. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-429-grumpy-s-showreel And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

It's another Cheap Show, aren't you lucky? It's Cheap Show Day today and you've opened your front door and there's a nice steaming glass of Cheap Show on your doorstep ready for you to guzzle down. That could be dangerous. It could be dangerous. Don't drink. Burn your foot. What have you got? You know, is this the morning?

They're coming down in the morning. Yeah. They've just they've got nothing on their feet. They've got nothing on their feet. And there's hot steaming glass of Cheap Show ready to slice, slice and burn. It's in a Cheap Show, we slice and burn. No, it's in a tumbler or something. It's in a tumbler.

It's a nice hot tumbler of Cheap Show that you can enjoy. A tumbler is a glass. Yeah, no, but I'm just saying you're making it sound like it's broken glass on the floor. Stop shouting. You're shop shouting. I've got, perhaps, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, on this week's cheap show, the oldest drink in the world, cheapest, roughest, what do you mean oldest? Red Bull knockoff. It's been on my table

in there for about two years. You're gonna have that now. Have you checked the sell-by date to make sure that drinking it won't make you trip balls? It doesn't expire. This stuff doesn't expire. It's Red Bull. It's a Red Bull knockoff. Everything has has a sell by date at some point. Everything has a sell by date at some point. Doesn't it? So don't lie to me in saying that. It has a best before. You don't understand anything after all these years. There's a cut off point when you shouldn't touch something no more.

No, that's why Ashens for example has had 100 year old beer or whatever it was. Yeah, and he only has a little bit, otherwise it would give him dysentery. Yeah, right? Oh, the smell is... Can I smell it then? Yeah. I want to sniff your kong. Strong kong. Oh mate I would not drink that. Why? What does it smell of? It smells of mould. It smells of fucking asbestos and grass. Oh mate you nasty boy. Mate you shouldn't have drunk that. Oh, that really is really bad. That tastes real bad. Oh, there's no such thing as a I need washing mouth here. Right, while you're doing that, I'll do the Cheap Show intro. On this week's Cheap Show, we've got Price of Shite, we've got...

Oh, God, we've got... I think we've got a... KNOCK ON DOOR Who's that? What? Who's that? What? I thought that was just... That wasn't me. Why would that be me? Who's knocking on the door?

I don't know. Go and have a look. I'll pause the recording. Who's at the door? Hello? Sorry, it's me. I just pop in round and... Okay, okay. Wait, what? Who's that? It's Grumpy. Grumpy Sessions. What do you mean it's Grumpy Sessions?

He's got a box or something on him. Should I just... Bring him in. Bring him in. Yeah, Grumpy, come on in. See what he wants. Come on in. Oh, hello there, Paul. What are you, Eli?

Hi, Grumpy. Yeah, what brings you here? Yeah, what are you Eli? Hi Grumpy, yeah what brings you here? Yeah what are you doing? Aren't you dead? Oh no no, well... I thought you died in the Rapture. Oh, reports of my demise have been somewhat overstated. No no no, no one said anything. Everyone just presumed you were dead. Oh I know, I'm not dead no. No, so you weren't there at the church at 3.50 or whatever it was?

Oh, I couldn't, you know, I was late to that wedding. Oh, so you missed the rapture then, all the characters went up into heaven. I don't know what you're referring to. You remember the wedding between, you know, Lady Plops and Squishy Jim? Yes, I was late for it and I think I went to the wrong place because there was only a grassy plot. Oh. There was a fence like there should be a church there. You must have just missed us then.

But there was no church on the... There was a sort of... and there was a blackened bit. As if... as if there'd been some sort of, like you say, rapture. But I don't remember anything else. Well, okay, all the rapture and all the characters died. Oh. Until it's convenient to bring them back. But whatever, what brings you to our doorstep today?

Well, boys, I need your help. Right, Mr Sessions, how can we help you then? Oh that'd be fantastic if you could. You see, I'm trying to get together a new showreel. Right, why? Because, oh, it's been very bad, the acting game over the last two years. I thought I was going to relaunch it with that multi-vibbage thing, but he went, hey, what happened to that reboot, the whippy thing? No, he's gone off to the continent, something about the Black Forest. Fine, I don't know. We'll get back to that I guess.

He's fungal, you know, so... No, he's very fungal. He can just cross, doesn't have to get a ferry from Dover. Well actually, it makes sense the show was cancelled because they all died in the rapture so he wouldn't have been around to make any more episodes. Anyway, it's been terrible, that works. It's been terrible since then, you know. I haven't heard anything. And then my agent said, oh, you need to do a self tape. And I thought, oh, tapes, I've got some tapes. I've got

VHSs and stuff that I've done over the years. I used to be quite the cinematographer. What do you call it? Someone who puts a library of tapes together. You tape stuff off the telly and have a collection. I did. I taped my own stuff off the telly. Fair enough. Yes, and so I had a little rummage upstairs. I've got this box here. I've got all of little clips I thought I'd show you

and then I'd really be so much obliged. Mate, that's just full of shit. It's full of VHSs and God knows what else. It's fine, I've picked some out to show... Is that cine film? We can't play that. There's a few 16 mil things in there and Okay, all sorts of stuff, but I've got a VHS player as well here. Well. No we don't have one

Don't worry. Why did you bring that with you so you can watch my tapes? Alright, but have you got a cable? Into the TV now then I've got you got a scarf No, why don't you have a SCART cable then? Oh, I do actually, somewhere in the box. Okay, fine, give it here. Okay. Oh, that's ready to go.

I'd be much obliged... I'm plugged it in. If you and Eli, if he comes back from making a cup of tea... Yeah. Could just give me some advice. What do you think would work in the modern age? In the modern day, yeah. Put on a showreel and then relaunch my career.

So do you want to watch a clip? Let me see, would you like to say something now? Let's have a little look then, what you've got on here. Hang on, what's this? Pick one then, which one? This one, look, Captain Blue Balls. Right, go on. Give it here.

What's this from then? It's from Captain Blue Ball's High Adventures on the Seas. Oh, I remember that. You were in that show, the High Adventures of Captain Blue Balls. I was a cabin boy. I worked with Captain Blue Balls himself on it. Right, okay, and this is a clip from that show. I thought that was all lost, that stuff. It was lost, but I managed to tape it at the time. What's this? The High Adventures of Captain Blue Bull,

the little episode 13, 1974. All right then. Yes, so just to see if there's anything we could use on this, okay. All right, I'll put it in. Is it all ready to go? Yeah. Yes, I've lined it up.

You've queued it up. Only a short clip. No, fair enough. All right, we'll go with it then. We'll do that then. Okay, thank you Paul. Alright, I'll put it in now. R. Captain's Log, date August 1733. This is the private log of Captain Blue Balls. It's been twelve long years since that god Poseidon cursed my balls with the inability to eject the seed of life into the air willy nilly, and yet, through my friends and through my accomplices, I have found out that I can break this curse if I can slay the one true beast of the sea. Why, the infamous Kraken One-Off. My crew are tired and I have lacked the energy to help them in their darkest

days but I know, I know that we are close to our goal and then I can give my shaft a right ruddy rubbin. Nooo, I can't wait. And yet all is not well for I know my nemeses, Long John Cairncombe, is fast upon my tail, eager to kill that cracking one off before I can and beat me to the ability to beat himself off. I remember that horrible phrase he said to me on our last encounter. Those words haunted me, but now I fear one way or the other the end is in sight. Who be that bee? Who be booby do be that bee? Sorry to bother you Captain, but I've got... There's land, land is sighted! We've seen land! Is it of which we seek the sign of the mermaid's clunge?

Where am I meant to stand? My mark is... Could you fetch me my scabbard? It is time to rally the troops, for I fear the end is nigh. We'll do. Yeah, so it's one over the gate, sorry. Oh, long John can't come. I'll beat you right off. Oh, there you go. So that was a really early roll. It's quite high production quality. I mean, it's good, but I... Look, if I can be honest, and Eli will agree with me here. Eli. Yeah, um. Yeah, Eli will agree with me on that.

On what? You haven't said it yet. I know. I'm trying to get you back into the narrative. So I'll just go around here and go, yeah, do that. Yeah. Right. It was a little bit amateurish on your part. You didn't seem to know where to stand and you looked a little bit lost with your lines and stuff. I don't know if it reflects well on you.

Oh, well. Don't you agree, Eli? Yeah, that's right. I'm with Paul on this one. Good, yeah, so we're just saying. That's disappointing. Well, I've got lots of other stuff. You do?

Yeah, because I just don't know. I was a bit green behind the ears. And you know what? What? I was a bit green in the face as well because I'd never been to sea before and a lot of that was shot actually on a real boat. Right, okay. I was vomiting. I got that seasickness and stuff, you know. Yeah. What was it like working with Captain Blue Bulls by the way? Well, you know. I didn't know like... He actually had a problem with the... With coming, or not coming, I guess.

With the plumbing downstairs, yes. And you know, there was a limited shower space available on the boats then, and I saw him once in the shower. Yeah. And his balls were blue, you know. Were they blig? Big? Were they blig? I told you they're blue and big. Were they blig? If you do want to use, I've never heard that term, but they were very blig? Big. Were they blig? I told you they're blue and big. Were they blig? If you do want to use, I've never heard that term, but they were very blig.

Yeah, very blig balls. Very blig blue balls. Yes, you could see them almost metallic and swollen, like something you've never seen before. So you had to have a lot of sympathy for the man. I mean, I heard. I don't know if you can back this up, but I heard between shots and things, he would just rush off to try and knock one out. He was always trying to achieve ejaculation, yes.

Must be terrible to like live your life on the big screen, basically doing the same thing. I was, he used to, anything, he'd use anything. He was desperate, you know, they went through makeup girls, like, Yeah, no, I'm sure they did, but it was a different time. He knew one every day because there's always a chance. He wasn't a bad person. He just said,

here's a person, perhaps this is the person who will allow me to... It's not very good. A vase. It's absolutely not a... A vase or a refrigerator. Absolutely not the way to behave on a film set, though, is it? It's not the way... He used to go up the mast. No, don't... Wobb it up the way to behave on a film set though, is it? It's not the way.

Or he used to go up the mast. No, don't... Wobbing up the mast. There were rumours though. They're just rumours. We can't... We have to say allegedly. Oh right, but we won't use that take.

Oh no, I did hear the guy who played Long John can't come. Everywhere. He would come everywhere. Oh. He couldn't not come. He had the opposite problem. In real life, he couldn't stop coming. And that was Derek Hickory, yes. Derek Hickory, yeah. He was the guy who played the role. Hickory't stop coming. And that was Derek Hickory.

Derek Hickory, yeah, he was the guy who played the role. Hickory with a G double G. Oh, Hickory. And he would go, Hickory, Hickory. Would he? He would go, Hickory, Hickory, would he? Do you want to get back into character? Hickory, Derek Hickory. We used to call him, we had a little nickname for that guy.

Yeah. No one to know what he was called. The Splatman. The Splatman? Yeah, no, that makes sense. But to be fair, he couldn't control it. It moistened the scenery, you know, they talk about chewing the scenery. Yeah.

It bespunked the scenery. Yes, well... It absolutely bespeckled, it bespunked. You could get away with that in the 70s, but you couldn't get away with it on a, you know, you couldn't do that in the volume. You know, you're right, and I think that's just a little taster of the type of material I've got in this box of mine here. Oh, okay, let's have a little look again.

What else have we got here? I'll show you something else. Because you're going to need something much better than that, mate, to be honest. I understand, I, you know, I think you're right, and that's why I come for your opinion. I should take it. What's this? You've got Shakespeare. What's that about? What's this VHS of Shakespeare? Oh yes, that's a tape of Shakespeare. I was trying to get into a production of Lear at the RSC. Right.

And they asked me to do a tape, because I was living up north at the time. Yeah. And I taped that and it's me doing Shakespeare. Well maybe you should use a bit of this in your showreel then, if this is you doing Lear. Okay, yeah. Should we try this out? Yeah. Alright, let's give this one a go.

Hang on. Okay. Blow winds and crack your cheeks. Rage, blow! Your cataracts and hurricanos spout. Till you have drenched our steeples drowned, the cocks, you sulfurous and thought, executing fires, vaunt couriers to oak cleaving the sun. There I'll go. Mother! What do you want?

I'm doing a video, Mother. Please, could you just be quiet? I'm having a good time. I know I'm meant to do that, but I haven't done... I'm having a good time too, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry about that as well. I'll put them out. After I've done this video, I'll do it. Okay? Just 10 minutes. I'm having a good time too, I'm very sorry. ten minutes ten minutes mother please I'll hang your aprons up afterwards mother and I've powdered them yes yes okay yes ten

minutes mom okay Where was I? Blue! Shall I go to the top? Go to the top. Blue winds and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blue! Your cataracts and hurricanos! Till you've drenched her! Mother could just...

Mother could just stop singing? Hello up there mother! Mother could you stop for 10 minutes please? I'm singing! I'm just trying to do the Shakespeare I'll just start again I guess Okay Blow winds and crack your cheeks Rage, blow

Your cataracts and hurricane Oh spout, you're a cataract You're a cataract You're a cataract Start again, I guess. Okay. Blow, winds, and grab your cheeks. Rage, blow, your cataracts and hurricane-o's Spout till you've drenched our staples, drowned the cocks. You sulfurous, thought executing fires. Vaunt... Oh, for...

Oh, for God's sake. Oh no, mother. Oh mother, it's falling down the stairs again. Oh. Hang on, mummy, I'm coming. Oh. Now Gumpi, that's not, it's really not a high

enough standard. No, you can't use that. Oh really? Because your mum's interrupting not a high enough standard. No, you can't use that Because your mom's interrupting you all the way through. When was this recorded like 80s or so? What's the 80s years when she would have been about what 80 are their self at that point? It just isn't you can't have keep that in that's too real. Yeah, you can't you just can't use that. It's too distracting It's too broken up. Do you know what my agent said to me? You need to do a self-tab I thought well, you could that's a self-tape. I thought, well, there you go. That's a self-tape. What agent?

You don't have an agent right now. They're dead. Who's calling me then? I don't know. Is it that kid from the top of your street? Mr. Jeremiah says he's calling me. That's that little lad at the top. He's Mr. Jeremiah's agent.

Yeah, no, that's not an agent. That's that lad from the top of the road who got your number. Lad? He sounds like a mature man. I think he uses a voice box. Oh dear. I think you've a voice box. Oh dear. I think you've been had by a kid. Anyway, it's a self-taped, shaped thing.

It is, but it's just too broken and interrupted. There's no flow. I don't know who you are. I don't know what your lier's like. I know, I know. He gives his daughters, he splits up a pie with his daughters or some such. Yeah, but you didn't get to that. He gives half a country to some lady or something. It's all very well and good but you can't put that in a showreel

can you? Because it's just. Did you like the bits about the cheeks? Cracked cheeks? I thought that appealed to you. It's nice but as I say it doesn't reflect your acting ability because it's too distracted. Oh okay I've got something much more professional. We need something better from you. I've got something much more professional. Really shows my nice side. My sort of ooh who's the nice man in your neighbourhood sort of... Right, okay, so what is this then? This is a children's show that I made with Multifibbage, originally.

Oh right, because there was one that you rebooted a year or so ago, wasn't there? That was much more like the Professor Whippy, you know, sci-fi for kids sort of thing, but this is really for the... Why did that get cancelled? Well, like I say, Mulchy... Oh, everyone went to the Rapture. So they couldn't have made any more episodes. I don't know why you keep saying that, I don't understand. Doesn't matter.

I came to the church. Anyway, the point is, is that that was a reboot of this show? Like a kids show? No, this was to teach them to read and write. Me and Mulchy were working for, you know... So it's more like Sesame Street. It was sort of like that, yeah. Okay, right. But it's a very professional show, high production quality,

and I've got this good clip here for you. Hang on, let's have a look. Is it in here? Yes, I can't remember what it was called. Something to do with Mulchy Fibbage. Mulchy says Herbie Herbarium or something like that. It just says fibbage playtime here but it's written in pen so I don't know. That's the one, fibbage playtime.

Let me put this in the VHS. Check this as they say. Check this tape out. Take it out. Alright, shut up! Okay, I'll put it out. Shut up! It's just gone three o'clock, and let's take another trip to everyone's favourite mysterious place, Mochi's Marsh. Oh, hello children. I've just arrived. I'm Grumpy and that's my ice cream van. And I'm

here to meet our special friend, Multifibbage. And this is the field that contains Mulchy's Marsh. Come with me, children. Come on, let's find the marsh. Oh, I wonder what kind of adventures we'll have with Mulchy today. Come on, children, come with Comfy. Hmm. Right, come on, here we are. And this looks like the right spot everybody. Oh, but you know how Mulchy is, children. He's very shy and sometimes he likes to hide in the damn places. So what do we have to do?

That's right, we have to call out Mulchy's name to bring him to the surface. Oh, come on. After me everybody. One, two, three. Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, Mulchy, where are you? Oh Oh there he is everybody Were you asleep mulchy Oh Mulchy you had a hard day. Oh, a very hard day, but it's lovely to see my good friend Grumpy Wumpy Blobbily Wobbly here. Oh, it's very good to see you too, Mulchy. How have you been? Have you been gribbling and grubbling and nubbling? Well Mulchy, that's right, working hard, delivering ice creams to all...

Delivering ice creams, ice creams, ice creams. Delivering ice creams, that's right, to all the children all around... All around. All around Little Riddle's Hampton where we are. Tasty children. They do like ice creams. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. So Mulchy, what have you been doing today?

Oh, I've just been getting ready for, you wouldn't believe it, another lullaby story time. Oh, a story time? We love that, don't we, children? Yes. Would you like to see one of my stories on me tummy tail box? We love the tummy tails! Ooh! Oh, will you come and have a look at my tummy? Ooh, can you get closer?

Now, Mulchie, who's going to be in this story? Oh, it's Chubbily Nub in the Chobber! Ooh, those little rascals! I love their jakes! Let's have a look at what they're up to today. Okay, I'll just pull back the vines. Pull back the vines and the folds. And have a look at your story, Belly.

Storytale Teddy from time to time. He figgles it is a bit hard trouble nut. Oh, stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. Oh, stop stop stop stop stop stop. Nutty nut. Well, boobies and boobies a bit. Oh, a bit not a nut! Well, boobies and boobies, ooh, I've got to try them all! Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop! Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, ooh, chopper. A bitty pony, bitty pony, bully, bully. Buh don't remember the show being that disturbing.

Well it was never, it only had a few episodes because they stopped showing it. Well that and the fact that it's kind of off putting to teach kids basic reading and writing and numbers when you're sending them on a hellscape acid trip. Well that was very much rage then. It started in the 60s, the drug thing, and then it came through in the 70s into the children's TV stuff and it was all about that. Moultrie was big on this. He was big on the sort of underground children's presenter scene back then. I think that was misjudged basically.

I think you can put it in your showreel. I just think it's a little bit, you know, like for the time. I look quite dapper don't I? Those bell bottoms and the corduroy jacket. And you had your porn tash stuff and your Jops or whatever they're called. You know, I learnt some fungal types there, some herbs or something. Yeah, what was a mulchi you liked to work with? Well he was great at parties. Yeah. But the thing that people don't understand about mulchy,

you see, is that mulchy was an elder god, or a spirit of the bog, so to speak. Oh, like an old... Actually like a supernatural deity. Yeah. So he was... it wasn't a joke. You had to feed him children. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. In a kid show, you fed real kids to him?

It was a different era, you know, the BBC was very much a clothes shop. They'd get some kids from somewhere. The woke left wouldn't have that these days. Maybe they used to truck kid child corpses down the M1, from, I don't know, somewhere up north. Back then. And they'd feed them to Mulcheek,

because Mulcheek, he had an appetite, especially when he was been working, you know. He would absorb all his children into his flesh. Mate, I've seen the footage of those trucks going up the motorway and they split and one goes up to Mulcheek Fibberges at Manor and one goes up Savile Row, if you know what I'm saying, the other one goes to Rolf Road. Rolf Road, they all split up. You know where they're all going. You know what they're full of like battery chickens.

Yes it's a terrible, anyway. Lambs to the slaughter. We couldn't get away with it now but anyway. But Succify's in kids to like entertainment stars, no. Maltese in a forest somewhere, he's in Communicado you know. He's not, he's up in Rapture. He's up in the Rapture. Yeah. I don't know where you keep seeing that. I know, we've got that right. You don't need to worry about it, because you're here and they're not. We'll put a little bit of that on the showreel, shall we? Yes. Okay, you can use that.

Now, they're looking for commercial stuff. I was the face of a product. That's right. You need variety for a showreel. So yeah, acting's one thing, but you need to show versatility. Oh yes, I've got, I'm very versatile. I did adverts as well. Oh did you?

No. Yes. Oh, I did a whole series of adverts. Is there someone here? Yeah just that tip there. Eli, you alright mate by the way, you look checked out. Yeah, I think I might be coming down with something actually. That's because you drank that fucking poison red bull knock off. You might need to save that can and call the hospital. I might do because it's fizzing and I can smell sewers.

Yeah you've got a sweat on, you shouldn't have drunk that. Sit down. You sit down then. You sit down. Stay down here then. Yeah, that worked out quite nicely actually. Nicely organically put into the... Anyway, is this it? Anyway, you wrap... hang on. Is that tape that says adverts on? Yes, there's one here. Ad clips or something. Yeah, there's a VHS here. It just says ads. Yeah, that's the one. Stick that in. All right, let's put this one in then. You'll love this, it's definitely going on my show real yes. I don't have a freezer, but I demand ice cream. Thank goodness for Bosso's powdered ice cream. It's powdery, it's creamy, it's frothy.

Bosso's powdered ice cream. A Graxton confectionery. Bozo's powdered ice cream! Here mister, what's the hit you cool thing on the scene? Well little young sir, it's powdered ice cream! You just froth it up! Cor blimey, thanks sir! A Graxton confectionery product. Bozo's powdered ice cream.

It comes in four frothy flavours. Spinach and gravy. Jam roly-poly. Chicken and parsley. Hair. A Graxton confectionary product Bosso's powdered ice cream Impress all the girlies with your foamy product. You like it ladies, don't you? Foamy? It's all coming out the sides. Powder it up, froth it off, whoo, pops your weasel.

A Graxton Confectionery product. Bozo's powdered ice cream, now with extra powdered jelly and powdered bits. Sprinkle all the powder all over the powdery powder powder powder. A Graxton confectionery product. Yes, I was the face of the brand, you know. Yeah, no, you suited that quite well. You had the nice little milkman's hat on and all that stuff. You looked good. Oh, thank you very much. Actually, what ever happened to Bozo's powdered ice cream?

Oh, they used to sell it in the cinemas. They'd show those clips in the cinema and you'd get it in the foyer. Yeah, but what ever happened to it? The problem was it made people's faces like completely fall off. Right, so it was toxic. Oh yes, highly. I'm going to look it up, hang on. No, let me look it up online.

Hang on, hang on. Pozzles, powdered ice cream. They used to call it the nose hole maker. Wow. It nose hole maker. It says here it was taken off the market because it was actually made with lice eggs and asbestos. Powdered glass. Yeah, there was powdered glass in it as well they found.

In fact, they found no dairy items in it at all. No. It was just powdered glass. And bugs. They... Yeah, many people were seen screaming at cinemas as blood poured out of their throat hole. Yeah, their noses fell off into the popcorn and...

Oh, and you were the face of that? Yeah, no, I can see... Maybe you shouldn't put that on the tape then. Oh, doubt! You shouldn't remind people of that? I do know, I never think these things through. I know, it's a shame, because that was quite good as well. I didn't know it was dangerous. I thought it was a nice, fluffy way to enjoy ice cream when you had no freezer.

We all know better now that Graxton are well dodged. I know we're not under their license anymore so fuck him. Yeah, yeah I'm totally over that. I go to the meetings and- You shut up you! Shut your fucking mouth Eli! Shut it! Alright I'll go, I'll go, I'll sit here.

You're not allowed to talk this episode. There's no narrative reason for it. Just be quiet! Oh so Paul, erm... What else have you got then? Because you haven't got a lot. Well I used to present TV as well, did you know? You've got presenting experience.

Absolutely do. Now this is going to blow your mind. Go on. This is... Yeah, let's have a look. The tape says Crumbly Castle. Wait, that rings a bell. Hang on. Yes. Yeah, what's this? Uncle... what's this? Uncle Crumpies. It says Crumbly Castle. Wait, that rings a bell, hang on. Yes.

Yeah, what's this? Uncle... what's this? Uncle Crumpy's... Uncle Crumpy's Crumbly Castle. I can't read it. Yeah, Crumbly Castle. That's right. When was that on?

89 it says here. That's right. It was a little thing I did. Why don't you just show the... No, I'll put it in. When was this shown? BBC or something? Yes, that's right.

Upon the BBC. Yes, that's right. put it in. Where was this shown? BBC or something? Yes, that's right, upon the BBC. Hmm. Yes, that's right, put it in. Alright. I think you'll find this rather spectacular. OK, here we go. Ooh. It's Saturday night, it's 7pm,

so it must be time to visit, once again, Uncle Grumpy's Crumbly Castle. Let's see what they're getting up to this week. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ooh, hello, everybody! Welcome to my grumbly castle! Wahee! Oh, thank you so much everyone for coming along. We've got a fantastic show for you in the castle. But before we get to all that, let me tell you what happened to me on the way up to the castle. I bumped into ground keeper Davis. He said, hello. Grumpy Sessions. Hello. And you know what?

I said, hello. And I looked down, and his trousers were very peculiar. He had one trouser all the way up, one leg all the way up, it was. And then he had one leg all the way down, dragging on the ground. The other trouser leg. What an absolutely wacky fellow. He is. Very strange man.

Anyway, what have we got coming up? We've got some great music from Lisa Stanfield. Everybody, Lisa Stanfield coming up. And then we've got some comedy. You'll love the laughs here at the Crumbly Castle. We've got Davro, yes, giving us comedy. And he's brought along a friend of his, Charlie. He was very insistent that Charlie should be brought to the room back

there. I hope that Charlie's arrived, because he said it wouldn't go on. You know that? It wouldn't go on without Charlie being there. So I really hope Charlie's here tonight for us, but I really do. And then what after that, we've got… Oh, be careful everybody, because I'll be testing one of you lucky people to see if he could win £5,000 or face the Spooge Cannon. Oh, the Spooge Cannon. Oh. And then, our one unsuspecting member of the public is going to have the shock of their

life because I'll be in disguise for another installment of Session Snatchers. So we've got all that coming up for you on the show but before that we've got a very special guest. Yes everybody, it's Tori MP Sir… Oh no everybody! Yes everybody, it's Tory MP Sir... Oh no everybody! It's Sergeant Wobbles! Oh Sergeant Wobbles! Everybody stand to attention and salute for Sergeant Wobbles! Oh what's that Sergeant Wobbles? Oh, no, no, not today, thank you.

Oh, Sergeant Wobbles, no, you can't. Oh, you, you, they've been, they've been, the audience, but they've been very good. Now, they've got very clean underwear. Oh, he wants to, he wants to inspect you, everybody. Get ready. It's time to inspect the troops. Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Oh, Sergeant Wobbles, I wouldn't look in there. Oh, Sergeant Wobbles, you can't do that. Oh, don't touch. Oh, put the lady's bag. Oh, no.

Oh, he doesn't like that, Sergeant Wobbles. Oh, Sergeant Wobbles. Oh, dear. Oh, Sergeant Wobbles. OK, I'll have to clean up that mess later. But in the meantime, everybody, here's some great music from Lisa Stansfield! Yeah mate, that was much better but...

Yeah. If you don't mind me saying, that's very familiar. When did that come out? 89? Yes, it was 89 and are you thinking of the Noel Edmonds thing? It's a little bit like the house party. Well, we were two years before the first episode of that. Yeah that's right, because it was at 91. Yes that's right. And you know the Rotter, he stole all of those ideas. The Spooge Cannon. Yeah. He made that gunk or something. Gunger, I don't know. I can see Mr Blobby was definitely a rip off of a Sergeant Wobbles or whatever

it was. But it was everything was the same basically. Yeah so why did that happen? Because I know Noel probably did the number on you, right? He was very powerful at the time. Well, you know, he was desperate. But he was also a bit of a bully. He basically said, oh you. He pushed you up against the wall, didn't he? It was in the corridor.

I can't remember if it was ITV, BBC, one of these ones. It was him and Barrymore cornered you, right? Barrymore was there, Matthew Kelly was there. Yeah, because he was like jabbing you going, oh, why? Oh, why? Like that, oh, why? Yes, and he was prodding me. Matthew Kelly was there, one out of cannon and ball. Oh, I can't remember.

And Benny Hill, Benny Hill looking round the corner. Prick. And Edmunds goes up to me, Brodsman, says, oh I'm having that show, he said to me. Right. I'm having that show and the wobble character. Bastard. I'm having it. What a bastard. There's nothing I could do you see. What a bastard. But do you think it will work on my show? I mean maybe, maybe it's fine. It's obviously well. There's another thing in there. The power is too much. Oh, the powder.

No, there's too much stuff in here. The powder man is, do you know if you heard of that? No, no, no, no. You know what? Eli will agree with me on this, but we haven't got time for this this week. I think I will agree. I don't, we don't have time.

Yeah, we don't have time to go through this, every single cassette in here. So how about this? How about this? How about you leave the box with us. We can digitally transfer it to a computer file. Oh, could you? Yes. I don't know how to do that. Well that's fine, we can do it. We can edit a package together in our own time for you.

And shall I say to Mr Jeremiah that... No, it's just a kid at your road, you don't have an agent. My agent, Mr Jeremiah? He's not an agent, he's a naughty boy in your street. Then I've done a self-tape-y... No! Selfie tape? No.

Is that... is he called that? Regardless of his existence... Mr Jeremiah? Right. He's a naughty boy called Jack. Oh he called Dad? Regardless of his existence. Mr. Jeremiah? Right. He's a naughty boy called Jack. Oh, is he? Yes. He's making fun of you.

Oh dear. So forget him. Me and Elo will edit this and put together a showreel for you and then we'll send that to you when it's ready, alright? Oh, but you know where I live. You'll have to... Yes. Okay.

It's fine. You don't need to remind us of the address. We know, alright? Thank you very much for your time. So why don't you just go home and chill and we'll sort this out. Okay, hand me my box back. No, no, we need to keep it so we can digitise it. Oh yes. Anyway, thanks very much for your time, bye Eli.

Bye, see you Grumpy, yeah I'll walk you out. Yeah, you see him out. Okay. Right. Bye, bye Grumpy, it was lovely to see you, it's nice to see you. Thank you Moj, you too. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Fuck's sake. Yeah see you, it's nice to see you. Thank you Moj, you too. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye.

Bye bye. Fuck's sake. Yeah see you mate, bye. What shall we do with that box? Oh I was going to put it in the bin. Yeah. Alright, let's put it in the bin. Fucking cunt.