CheapShow - Ep 43: Sexy Eurovision Contest

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

It's boom bang-a-bang time as Paul, Eli and random co-host Ash Frith dive into the world of The Eurovision Song Contest in this Europop special. The chaps pick through some of the best and worst songs from the decades old songwriting crapfest to present the tracks that tickle their interest, from meta-music electro-pop all the way to singing turkeys! So join them as they wave a flag, debate some musical debacles and give "Nil Points" to this yearly musical contest. WARNING: It gets pointless and grotesquely sexy at times. Oh, and stay tuned at the end... Ash, sorry, DJ Ashy F has made something special for you! Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @ashfrith Wanna help us on Patreon? www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello Europe, welcome to a special edition of Cheap Show. It is our Eurovision on-demand special of Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon, and with me, as always, is the little hairy ball of anger who's feeling very poorly today, Eli Silverman. Hello. And joining us all the way from Essex is Ash Frith. Hello there. How are you doing, boys?

Oh, I'm good. Eli sounds really poorly. I'm quite poorly, I'm sorry. He's got Eurovision fever. Yeah, I've got the fever heavy and I've got a DJ tonight. Oh, poor you. Yeah.

So what we thought we'd do is to celebrate Eurovision, and by celebrate I mean tolerate Eurovision, we'd do a little cheap show special about some of the Eurovision songs that have appealed to us, or maybe not Eurovision, but a Euro pop. Yeah. First, we've all picked our own tracks and things like that. Eli's led the way with a couple of his vinyl selections.

So first of all, what are our opinions on Eurovision? I'll be honest, I think it's boring bollocks. Yeah, so do I. I hate it. And also, when they have these parties now, don't they? Eurovision watching parties. Yeah, where they all get round and they all giggle because Estonia has got a singer who's got a cock on his head and he's singing a song about brown pants this year.

I mean, I would find it more appealing to be invited to a party where I compare the fibre content of my faecal, you know? Wow, that is a crazy party. Do you not... Do neither of you guys find it a little bit sexy? Eurovision? Yeah, well, it's a bit like porny, isn't it? It's a bit like...

You remember Eurotrash, the TV show? Yeah, well, it's a bit like porny, isn't it? It's a bit like, you remember Euro Trash, the TV show? Yeah. Like, it wasn't sort of particularly rude, like, if you actually look at the content, but there was definitely something sexy about it, and I feel that about Eurovision. Well, there were naked breasts, there were naked breasts in that programme.

Yeah, but I mean, it had sexual content, for sure, but I remember it being incredibly sexy as a as a sort of adolescent kid and i feel like that with eurovision because a lot of european sort of uh traditional clothing is sexy isn't it like you look at a bavarian maid's outfit sexy i look at i don't know if that's uh you know true or just sort of a kind of distorted porn tinted glasses you're looking at the whole world what is this porn that you speak of

you know what I'm saying you could get anything like one of those old fashioned submarine guys with the big helmet what you're more likely to get sort of a woolen jumperpered sailor. Yeah, that could be sexy.

Yeah, that could be sexy, yeah. He's in a nice woolly jumper. He's from Sweden. He's got a big jumper on. I mean, he's sexy. I don't think you've been watching Eurovision. By the sound of things, it looks like you've been watching some kind of Irish chat show. Oh, you are having a laugh.

Have you not seen the video of the Swiss maids, and they're doing things like churning butter and they're just pumping up and down wow is this the episode where we find out that you wang to your vision what find out i do it's a i think it's it's well known good for the rest of the year how many entries are there 20 yeah oh but yeah i think it is i think he's right paul uh it is a white bank it is a white bank generator machine isn't it basically once a year topping up the bank for the rest of the year eurovision will see you through yeah and for people who don't know what your vision is like for instance if you're listening in america your vision is a yearly

competition where songwriters from around europe sexy songwriters yeah sexy songwriters from around Europe Sexy songwriters. Yeah, sexy songwriters from around Europe write songs and they're performed by bands and then the countries politically judge which one's the best and decide to give that one the vote and as we expect this year, thanks to Brexit, I would be very surprised if Britain

gets any higher than zero points the whole way through. Are we allowed in next year? No, we'll have to have separate countries. And that just means, and it's another bad result of Brexit, Wales will win forever. Yeah, that's true. Because they can all sing, can't they? Yeah.

Because this is what people forget about your vision. It's not the song performers themselves. It's the song writers they're theoretically judging. So when people vote, they're voting for the quality of the song lyrics themselves. It's the song writers they're theoretically judging. So when people vote, they're voting for the quality of the song lyrics themselves. So when you hear Boom Banga Bang win... Sexy. See, that's what I'm

talking about. Boom Banga Bang is intrinsically sexy. You think about what that means. Sexy. Didn't the cheeky girls go on it as well? I bet they did. We've touched my bum. An ode to anal sex touch my bum you know i think the eurogen is opening up now i think you two you've looked at it with closed eyes and now i've said it's sexy you're both seeing just how sexy it can be i'm literally

touching myself as we speak no well let's spoil it. Yeah. Come on, the tone was at such a high level, Paul. We're plummeting. Plummeting. Pull up, pull up. Well, let's start then. Okay, let's start with the first choice. Eli, what is the first choice you've chosen as your Euro Pop Stroke Eurovision song? Well, this is a bit of an anomaly, isn't it?

Because this is Eurovision. That's the name of the song, isn't it? Because this is Eurovision. That's the name of the song. Yeah. By Telex. And was this nominated for a Eurovision? Was this entered into Eurovision? It was. I think it was the Belgian entry in the year it came out, in the 80s.

So there you are. So let's listen to it, a little snippet of it right now. We're entertainers Listen to this tune Berlin, why don't you fall In love with us Write our name on the wall Roma, can you hear us? What is the rate of Italian heroes? If we all were fighting tonight

Eurovision Eurovision Okay, cool. So... It's got nice little synthy bits, you know. I liked it. You know what it reminded me of, for some strange reason? Teletext.

Do you think that's just the name of the people who made it? Oh, hang on. No, you're right, they are called Telex, aren't they? Maybe that's why I'm getting confused. It's a bit shameless, isn't it? They're just like, we've cracked it. If we call the song Eurovision, it's bound to win, isn't it? Yeah, I don't think they did.

Call in your film Mr. Oscar or something, you know what I mean? Do you think that if I gave you both a day that you could have written that better? I honestly do. I think those guys I don't want to say it, but I think they've got almost no musical talent whatsoever.

It could be. It sounds like it was programmed by the songwriters and then the singer the performance is...lustre. Just some blokes talking over the top about random things. Yeah, like satellite technology and motorways and stuff.

It's a big kraut... Kraut pleaser? For the German market. If you're aware of the krautwerk. What are they called? Kraftwerks. No, you're right. It has got a kind of Kraftwerk-y thing going on, hasn't it? Yeah, because they had

Autobahn, obviously, Kraftwerk. Kraftwerk after they had a serious head trauma. Yeah, it's Kraftwerk after a lobotomy, basically. There's just some men talking. And at one point they talk about changing the channel. Don't give them the up. Don't remind people they can't.

That's a very European thing, isn't it? You know, you've got the technology here in the West to change the channel. Don't give him the up. Don't remind people That's a very European thing, isn't it? You know, he's got the technology here in the West to change the channel. There is a message of togetherness.

I do like that kind of thing about, you know, people coming together. I like that positivity about your version. If there's anything to be said for it, it really is

incredibly positive. It's a pro-Remain star. I would argue it's the opposite. I would say it's a show that pretends to bring everyone together but actually

it's just basically little mini world wars every year where every country tries to outsmart each other and vote politically so they don't win. But Ash was talking

about the song that we're meant to be discussing not the actual competition Paul. I do see what you're saying Paul because it is incredibly political

isn't it? Like warring nations won't give each other points. That is definitely the case. It's crazy. I mean, I kind of liked the song. It was nice because it was kind of, it felt like if you'd asked my dad to make a Eurovision hit, this is what he would do.

Yeah, it has inspired me to make a Eurovision hit. It's presumption. That's what you're going to call it. This is the best Eurovision song this year. It's like calling your daughter the queen and then sort of going around entering her into royalty or something. I've called it

Best Eurovision and I'm going to make it this evening. There you go. Alright, good. As an aside, has anyone ever heard the John Shuttleworth show Euro Pigeon? No, but I do love John Shuttleworth. For pigeon no but i do love john shuttleworth for those who don't know john shuttleworth is a comedy creation he's a british comedian actor who plays a character called john shuttleworth who's like a northern working class uh pop singer and that's

kind of the joke is that he wants to break into pop but he's kind of really uh what's the word i'm looking for he's so colloquial to kind of like his frame of reference is all like a song about his austin ambassador yeah that kind of stuff but he did a one-off special called euro pigeon and it was fantastic because what the whole premise was is that he had a song called pigeons in flight and he wanted to edit enter it into eurovision and so it's like kind of comedy documentary where he goes around trying to get this song officially properly into eurovision and he gives it to michael ball to try and sing as well and their agents turn him down and it's hilarious

but it's a really good comedy if you get the chance, actually when I put this up on the website I'll put a link if I can find it to Euro Pigeon, it's really good pigeons in flight I'm gonna see you tonight it's really good

I don't think Euro-Vision by Telex actually got anywhere. They sold some singles, because I managed to pick one up in the local hipster supermarket around the corner. That's where I got my copy. How much did it cost you? It was a quid.

That's incredible. It's probably the most that song made. I'd love to know how much they made because the people who made it they are just some blokes they asked to read something off a piece of paper the guy who wrote it he is the brains

there is no musical talent in the people who are singing but you know what's also interesting as well is that sometimes bands form just for Eurovision or they'll rename themselves just to enter Eurovision so Telex might have actually been a guy called Tony Smith and his electrionic group of funky monkeys you know and then they called themselves Telex for Eurovision are you okay Paul no my imagination had a stroke then I think I remember as a kid sort of as a maybe an early teenager thinking why don't Oasis just enter eurovision

and they'd just definitely win because that's a good point but because why would they because that's the whole point eurovision has this whole credibility problem so it's like oh they're shit oh they're quite sexy but then about three hours in you're like no this is actually really bad and it's annoying me and you know know what I mean? I'd rather be at a party watching one man and his dog marathon. You don't have to go to a party, Eli. No. I'd like to go to a party

where I was watching something. Would you? Like a sex party. No. No. You wouldn't want to go to a party where you could watch people have sex? No, it'd be weird. Yeah, I don't want to do that either. No. Well, then you're not coming to my next party then, are you? Both of you. No, I wouldn't. Oh.

I've told you this before. I'm not coming. Alright, okay, so out of five, what would you give it? Nilpois or Cinque? I think it gets three. I actually quite like the sort of electro-pop stylings on the synth in there. Okay.

It's a terrible song, but... Ash, what do you think? I think three, definitely. I'm going three on that as well. I might join you on three then. Okay, three it is. Right, okay, next track, Eli's Choice again. Now, is this a Eurovision hit?

It is not. No, it is just Euro disco, in fact, Paul, because that is the only really European kind of music that I actually really like. This is Mission to Venus by Silver Convention. OK, let's have a listen to that little bit right now. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd. Higher, higher, higher I'm gonna fly you Higher, higher, higher Satisfy you

Higher, higher, higher You're on a mission to Venus I really like that. I like a little bit of Eurodisco, and that's perfect, I think. Yeah, it's got all of the aspects you're looking for. You know, the space theme. I'm always looking for euro disco with a space theme uh this it's got some terrible lyric writing the spaceship is called love i mean that's just like setting out your your analogy there that's it the spaceship is

called love so in fact we're just having a shag we're not going to venus i've got a similar thought on that like for those songs and a lot of Eurovision songs, they seem to be in English, and I'm not really sure why. It's for people who have clearly got a very, very, very limited vocabulary in English. And so they just repeat 15 or 20 words over and over and over. Or they just... It's just... It's bad like there's a bit where it says uh you're on a mission to venus a trip you'll never forget why would they say that because

nobody would go on a mission to venus and forget it it's such a weird yeah that's what i think is charming i think that has it has that yeah that that non-English speaking charm to it. And it has a classic trope from disco in general, which is the sound of a lady having it off. Oh, yeah. It does. It really does. It's not proper disco unless there's a sound of a lady

or two ladies having it off. Or playing tennis. I thought they were playing tennis. Right. Okay. That's it off. Or playing tennis. I thought they were playing tennis. Right. Okay, that's fair enough. That's legitimate, I'm sure. To me, it sounds like it's a song basically about a woman using a silver dildo. The spaceship is called Love?

Yeah. Perhaps it's a special edition called The Spaceship. Yeah. It could be. Oh, my goodness. I need to re-listen to that. See? Sexy.

Sexy again. Mission to Venus. Mission to Vagina. I'm sure. Yeah. No, you're right. And also, what I like about it is it's got that kind of fascio spoof disco thing. You know, like sexy baby, crazy baby, hot kind of thing going on, which I really like.

Words we're going to say. Yeah. Yeah, I do love it when people don't can't speak english there's a sort of uh i think it's like an african version of um purple haze and he's like this guy is kissing me excuse me who's this purple guy it's when you said that what you just said sexy baby crazy baby it's like literally they are the words that they've written down right what uh what do english people say sexy yeah baby crazy baby but i tell you if that came on in a discotheque in the 70s i would be throwing shapes i can't tell the difference between that and proper good disco that's the thing like for me it's all brilliant like it's all just i don't know how anyone could go that's great

and something else isn't eli is this good disco it's cheesy um but the actual um instrumentation and production is to to my mind, quite fine. Because this is all real instruments, wouldn't it? This is not electric. They were pretty good. They were a pretty good band, basically, but it has that cheesy sort of kitsch feel that a lot of disco

has, but some of the more deep Afro-American disco stuff is a bit more soulful, of soulful, genuinely soulful and less cheesy, if you see what I mean. Also, I think sexy baby is not something we should be promoting.

Not at all, no. But we'll move awkwardly on past that now you've brought it up, I reckon. Does Silver Connection have a... Is a lot of their music like this? No, Connection. Is it Silver Connection? Is it Connection?

I don't know. No, it's Connection. Silver Connection. Is a lot of their music like this? Did I say Convention? No, it doesn't matter. It's Convention.

It is Convention. You know what? It feels like I'm asleep and I'm having this kind of dream. It's like I've got fever and the, anyway. That sounds like a lyric

by Silver Connection, frankly. Sorry, the picture for it also looks like they're trapped in a sheet of Perspex like Zod

from Star Wars. That'd be good, wouldn't it? If they like they're trapped in a sheet of Perspex, like Zod from Star Wars Superman. That'd be good, wouldn't it? If they were the baddie in a Superman film. Yeah. On roller skates. Superman versus Silver Connection. Fucking hell. Yeah, but it looks like they've confused a spaceship with what looks like a train window.

And it's like watching two sexy ladies go, come and have some fun as the train pulls away and you know you're never going to touch it. What? They had a big hit called Fly Robin Fly and also some boogie-based numbers. Who was that about? Which Robin?

Robin Hood? I don't know. It was weird. There's a reggae version that my friend has which is really good. All right. Okay. So out of five then, how are we voting that personally? I'm going to go with four. it was weird. There's a reggae version that my friend has which is really good. Alright, okay, so out of five then, how are we voting that? Personally, I'm going to go with four.

I like four. I like it. I'm going four as well. This is boring. We're all agreeing so much. I think there's a song coming up that will be rated quite low and I think we all know what it is but we'll get to that later. So let's go on to the next track which is now, Eli, I believe, called 33rd Floor. Tell us a bit more about who sang this and what it is.

It's a bloke called Amadeo, and I believe he was living in Austria, but has some other kind of background. And it's sort of celebrating the modern world. He's sort of going about having a party, and he's on the 33rd floor of a new skyscraper obviously, it's like a penthouse thing and he's just musing about how he can get from

London to Paris in three hours Paris 33th floor Tower Gambetta 11.33. Night time.

Right side. Montmartre. Pigalle. Crash Can Can. Left side. Horizon. Pyramid Towers Charles de Gaulle Airport He gives a new way of life

Living, giving A little taste of honey A taste of honey, a taste of love. He gives peace and happiness, a joy to all. A lot of these songs are just descriptive based. The first one's about literally the logistics of Eurovision. The next one's about the planning of going into space. And this one is about, yes, let me show you what it's like on the 33rd floor of this building. It's not about the planning

of going to space. It is! They're going to space and then she starts having it off in space. It's much more visceral than that. Gonna check the rocket booster sexy baby hot. Gotta do the checks in the logbook. Check.

What I liked about this song and the guy who sings it, because he is an interesting-looking chap, is that if I went up to the 33rd floor and saw this guy singing, I would phone the police, quickly. I mean, imagine living on the 34th floor. It would drive you fucking bonkers, wouldn't it? Yeah, Amadeo had it day and night, musing on the wonders of modern technology you know i

reckon it's not a sexy skyscraper though i reckon it's in a like a flat in an estate ymca yeah it's great man it's got a it's got a real atmosphere about it it's very funky it's extremely funky yeah i really enjoyed it i really and sexy again very yes. This is quite the frothy podcast. He's a joker. He's a player. He's a man that anyone would want to emulate. Do you know what he reminds me of? Or rather, who someone reminds me of him?

Is it Harmar Superstar? Yes. Is that kind of feel to it? A deeply ugly man singing really quite good disco about being sexy uh yeah so this is the mellow side it's the b side of the single the other side is much more of a sort of straight up uh dance number have you played that when you've been djing yes and does it go down well well people aren't into this kind of deep, cheesy Euro disco, you know, I've found. It goes over people's heads.

Oh, so no then. All right. Okay. Well, I liked it. I liked it. I think he's an adorable chap. I want to pick him up and cuddle him and tell him the world's going to be all right. London to Paris in three hours.

That's it as well. When they don't know English and they just put words they think might rhyme. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think he got the lyrics from like an English to French handbook or something like that? Excuse me, the guy is purple. Purple guy. All in my head.

Where is the nearest hospital? I have a soft inge. Sensitive baby. Hot. Alright, okay. Out of five then, I'm going to give that another four. I reckon I like that. Four for me.

I'm going five. I don't see how if we're doing Euro, if this is going to be about Europop, I don't see how that can be bettered. I mean that. I have to agree with you. It's a great tune. It is.

And you can also make love to it. It's a real sort of chill-out tune. It's like at the after party. Yeah. Drop that. You're just coming down off the cocaine. Have a martini. Yeah.

Having a couple of spliffs as you... What's got into you, Paul? We don't want to take your drugs or come to your sex party. Well, you're not coming now. I'll have my sex party all by myself. Won't I? If it's just a drugs party and you can go and have sex in the other room, Paul, I don't have to watch, then I might be up for it.

Alright. I make a lot of noise and it's frightening. You sound like a woman on a spaceship to Venus. No, no. When I have sex, it sounds like foxes fucking. Just screaming and shitting. But it's when foxes get territorial that it's the worst one. No, foxes having sex is one thing, but it's when they get territorial.

They do outside the House of Pickles here. I heard them last night. Like that. Yeah, and you can speak fox, can't you? So what were they saying? They're just saying, get out.

I've pissed here. To you? No, to other foxes. Oh. And other wildlife. I think that that might not be foxes,

Eli. I think that might be the clanker man. Yeah. could be. Eli, what do you give it then? I'm going to go for a five there. I think that's going to be my favourite, yeah. Okay, good.

So, so far, that's the highest ranking so far. Now, the next one I didn't expect you to pick. Katrina and the Waves. What's it called again? Love Shine a Light or something? Yes. Now, yes, Paul. Why pick this?

Well, to be honest, I was quite confused about what the parameters of my choice of records were going to be. I thought you wanted me to pick actual Eurovision, seeing as this is a Eurovision special. What I've ended up picking, of course, is just a few of my favourite Euro disco things that have fuck all to do with Eurovision. No, but that's fine. That's fine. I picked this because it just occurred to me this is the last time that the UK won, isn't it?

Yeah, 1997. So we haven't won in 20 years. Let's have a little listen to the clip of it right now. Light up the magic In every little part Let our love shine a light White Mouth. Love, shine a light in every corner of my dreams Let the love light carry Let the love light carry Let the mighty river flow in from the stream

Let our love shine a light in every corner of my dream And we're all gonna shine a light together All shine a light to light the way Brothers and sisters in every little part Let our love Shine a light In every corner of my heart Right, you see, the problem I have with this song Is that it screams awards bait It's one of those songs written to be a winner

Because it's inspirational And it's a ballad And it's all about, oh I was reading the YouTube comments actually for this And someone wrote underneath This song reminded me of my cat died Of when my cat died Sorry

It's sexy as well though isn't it What cat's dying No it's not sexy Ash it's not Love shine a light Sometimes you have to shine a light It's much better with a light on If it was called love shine a light? Sometimes you have to shine a light. It's much better with a light on. If it was called love shine a fleshlight, then yeah.

If it was from, what were they called, Silver Convention, they'd have literally said that. Yeah, they would have. Okay, so you pick. The fleshlight is called love. I'm on a three-speed destination to get my orgasm to elation. Oh, no. I'm fevered.

I'm fevered. Poor Eli. You know what? Katrina and the Waves has a special part in my mind. And I remember loving this song and Eurovision. That's probably the last time I watched Eurovision properly. Yeah. And that's because they did the advert for the Amiga

500. Walking on Sunshine was on the TV advert for the Amiga and I was a big Amiga fan. So Katrina and the Waves, when they did this song, I was like, well, it's going to be good because they... I don't think I knew how advertising worked

but I basically thought they were big fans of amigas yeah yeah that's what i always thought they probably are big fans because they got a massive pay i bet they did back in the day as well no but that's it walking on sunshine was a legitimate pop record in britain yes that was their big hit yeah and that was like in the 80s right uh i want to say 86 or 87 off the top of my head i'm not quite sure yeah but that was huge. It was one of those ubiquitous records. And it's always on the radio in the summer. Whenever the weather gets a little bit good,

DJs bang this out. Yes. And Katrina's from America, isn't she? She is. But she lives in the UK and she used to have a radio show on Radio 1 or 2, I believe, for a while as well. She's very much been

anglicized like um what's his name huey from fun loving criminals and gina g gina g oh who are just a little bit australian she was just a little bit more do you know what do you know there's a wordsworth cover of that song as well which suited it. Do you know what? Do you know there's a Wurzels cover of that song as well, which suited it perfectly? Because you know the song's called Who Are Just a Little Bit? It's like, Who are just a little bit? Who are a little bit more?

I love it. I love that song. Who are just a little bit? But what is it about? Not anything. She just wants a little bit. I'll explain it to you. She wants just a little bit.

Just the tip. Just a little bit more. So a little bit. I'll explain it to you. She wants just a little bit. Just the tip. Just a little bit more. So a little bit, but then that was too small, the first bit. And maybe just a little bit more. So basically it's a song about making love to Eli. Oh. The thing is, that song in itself is not bad. It's just trite.

It just screams we're trying too hard to win. But in all fairness, it won. It's a cynical, cynically written song. Yeah, aspirational bollocks. Yeah, and a lot of people, it makes sad. They cried when it won, apparently. But yeah, 20 years without a win. And it looks like we'll never win again. Well, not as a United Kingdom.

No. But, you know, sales of Amiga through the roof. And that's what you need to take away from all this. Right, okay, in that case, what would we rate that? I'm going to have to go ahead and say two. Two for me. Yep, two. It's a poor effort from a good band.

Okay, so I think the next choice now is mine, I believe. This is from a band called Rufus and it's called the 80s coming back here's a little clip of it now Yeah You thought you had it coming Now it looks like you didn't know this Everybody's worried that We're there with you 15 years ago And it makes you wanna cry

Oh, it feels just like the 80s coming back Right. Oh Right, so that was Rufus, 80s Coming Back. And the reason I picked this is because even though it's not a good Eurovision song, that's why I picked it. Because it's too good for Eurovision. It's just a proper pop-it. And because I'm a big fan of Ben Folds, it has a very Ben Folds 5 feel to it.

You know, it's got the piano and the strings and everything. Yeah. If I was a Ben Folds. It has a very Ben Folds 5 feel to it. You know, it's got the piano and the strings and everything. Yeah. If I was a Ben Folds fan, I would say that what they'd done is shit on Ben Folds and smeared it in. Yes, Ash. Yes. It's sort of, basically, they're trying to build it again. It's almost as cynical as

the Katrina and the Waves one. They're trying to build, you know, all of the sort of aspects are there, but there's no actual intention or heart behind it. My complaint would be... What's that band? Do you know who it sounds like? They're ripping off. What's that band?

Ben Folds 5? No. There is Ben Folds 5. Ben Folds 4. But it's more... What was that band? You mean like Super Tramp or you're on about? Oh, Squeeze. Squeeze, yeah.

I guess Squeeze-esque. There's a very big Squeeze thing going on there. There's a Squeeze, massive Squeeze overload going on. To me, it's just a very good piano rock song that just doesn't fit Eurovision. So I was kind of surprised it even got into the you know they're clearly the only bad from estonia and they got to do like they look like a band they're clearly all together as a band yeah there's a bit where he tries to reach a high note towards the end and he puts his hand up in the air as if he's physically trying to reach the note and he's

getting nowhere near reaching that note as well there's a bit um i don't know whether you heard any of the words but it's again one of those things where it's just badly sort of translated oh no you're right there those with a double d won't help you through the night yeah because the song is basically something to do with lamenting 80s styles coming back right but then there's like the lyric in there that sounds the effect of a warm cup of tea won't help you and i'm like no you're right that doesn't really work for anyone oh i've lost my leg you just need a cup of tea i'm gonna write a eurovision song about tea yeah that would that would work that would bring everyone together ash it'd be very english it'd be typically english

it'd start with um the national anthem a man in a bowler hat with a Union Jack waistcoat, and then he'd tear it off and he's wearing spangly red pants and he's singing, A cup of tea, the Queen, the Houses of Parliament. I think the lyrics need work, but I'm liking the opening, for sure. Race, inherent racism. So you're basically both saying what we need to do is have a man strip off into union jack underpants and singing about tea yeah it's sexy i don't know how many times i've got i want you to say it less ash i want you to say it less it's got to be sexy

paul and then he could he could ejaculate onto a map of the EU. That's the climax. Yeah, it's like the opening titles to Dad's Army. Instead of the map of Nazi Germany swarming towards Britain, you just tilt the sperm down towards the UK. Dribbles. And also, he could pull a folded up Union Jack

out of his arse. Oh, like a magician does. Like an endless flag. An endless row of them, yeah. We're talking about what makes Britain great. Yeah, well, I'm not a big fan of Britain right now. We're not getting into that here. Oh, God, no. I hope we lose Eurovision because of this.

We shouldn't be allowed in next year. What's our entry? Have you seen our entry? No, I've not seen it. I don't know it. All I know is that... Why are we doing a Eurovision... We must be the least well-researched... Eli, do not pull at that thread. This is the worst research podcast

in the history of all podcasts. Eli's just woken up after four years of doing the podcast. He's become sentient. What the fuck am I doing? We knew it would happen eventually. So, no one knows who... No. And I'll be honest with you. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. No, neither do I. It's. And I'll be honest with you. Don't give a...

Fuck. No, neither do I. It's not as fun as it used to be. Sexy fuck. Baby fuck. It's just not as fun as it used to be, Eurovision. It's just not. Foxy baby.

Foxy baby. Doesn't work, does it? People accept sexy baby, don't they? Foxy baby was a Jimi Hendrix song, wasn't it? Foxy. No, it was Foxyxy Baby Foxy Baby was a Jimi Hendrix song wasn't it? Foxy No it was Foxy Lady You weren't as

bad as him So it's Foxy Babies Excuse me Purple's Haze No Foxy Babies the Pete Townsend version Alright then

what would you rate that out of five? I'm going to go four because I really like it I have to say two

I felt the lead singer was really bad. He was bad. I like the way his shirt was untucked and he wore a red tie like he thought he was Billy Joe from Green Day. Yeah. It was awful. Alright, it's a one. Oh, it's a one. Oh, dear.

Me and you just don't get on with our tastes, do we at all? Although, you know what? If it was a good song for me, it'd be great. But it's not Eurovision. No, it's not. It doesn't arouse anything in my loins. Although, saying that, Ash, what's your next choice? Well, something aroused something in my loins.

In 1991, a little-known beauty called Samantha Janis, she, I mean, she burst onto the scene. Yeah. With this little beauty. Let's play a little clip of it now. Half the world is hungry Just of being born And every day

is a compromise For a grain of corn is a compromise for a brain of poor and half the world have too much their only hunger is their greed through politics

and ignorance half the world's in need a message to your heart It's alright Say a little prayer Sleep tonight Oh Tomorrow you'll still

be in paradise Oh A message to your heart Walk on by Do you hear the voice of conscience cry Oh So, Ash, that song was called Message to Your Heart, From Your Heart? In My Heart. In. No, no, it's a message to your heart.

Message to your heart. And, if you don't mind me saying so, it's fucking appalling. That's appalling. Oh, it's crippling, isn't it? It's so terrible. Yeah. Oh, it gets me somewhere in my soul how bad it is. It's got nothing.

There's no musical, you know, quality. There's no dance moves. There's no... No. There is a little bit of choreography on one of the it is it fails so poor very poor and the thing is if we were complaining about katrina and the rain katrina and the waves being a bit cynical then this is more cynical i think this is so designed to be one of those fucking miserable dreary power ballad message in a bottle fucking songs that

just makes you want to fucking take a hot spoon and scoop out your anus and feed it to yourself what do you mean message in a bottle by the police no i mean in terms of reggae rock tune no i know i'm talking about the idea of putting a message in a bottle. It's a message song. It is so poor. What they did was they took... It's difficult. Let's just talk about aesthetically. At the time, I don't want to bring it down to such simple things,

but Samantha Janis was, at the time, one of the most beautiful women. For about five or six years, she was the epitome of beauty in England. Was she in that sitcom at the time? Yeah yeah what was that sitcom called like game on game on game on yeah and she was incredible she was funny she was sexy she was beautiful and they basically knew that i mean this must be before game on i should imagine but they she was still beautiful and they used her because of that her voice

sounds like the foxes fucking in Eli's bathtub it is so bad that somebody like imagine going

who should we get to sing the song well let's get a beautiful woman or should they be able to sing no that happened

that meeting happened oh she got nice tits put her on stage. She is... It offends me that this was released. Yeah, she's no singer or dancer. So the year before,

one of her backing singers that's in all of the videos... Blew her brains out. She's in the middle. Oh, great. She, I think, was the United Kingdom's entry the year before

oh god in 1990 what's she doing doing backing singing for Samantha Janus then well I think I think the level of ability

probably forced about there but she's clearly got her hooks in but the guy who wrote this song he wrote 24 of the UK's

Eurovision entries. He has written 24 of them. He needs to fucking stop it. He needs to be stopped by force. Well, he's obviously on some sort of retainer. His wife, I think, I've got a feeling his wife is that woman that sings. Because I know that his wife has sung two of the Eurovision entries that he's written. So it wouldn't surprise me if she was both the singer of the previous year and a

backing singer in this one but imagine that as well you guys written another song for my wife no we're not going to give it to your wife we're going to pick someone more attractive that's basically what we're going to put your wife right at the back of the stage right in the back that's what they've done that is what they've done yeah oh. Oh, my God. So I'm writing this song for Eurovision. It's a guaranteed hit. I want my wife in it. No. Go on. No.

But she won't touch it. Bucks Fizz, they were on Eurovision as well, weren't they? And they won. See, this is what I mean. They're horrible. But they won because they built in a costume change into the middle of their fucking song. That was it.

That's what I'm talking about. The UK guy takes off his waistcoat, spanky red pants. It's a callback to Buck's Fizz. Yeah, he whips off his trousers and he's got a big bulging Union Jack dick. You know, like, Buck's Fizz

have just reformed, haven't they? So why on earth wouldn't they have leapt on that and had Buckucks Fizz doing our entry this year? No, you're confusing with Bananarama and yet... Bananarama have just reformed. Why on earth would they jump on that and get them to do that? Bananarama never went on Eurovision. They're way too

classy. But they should. I reckon they would do something good. Except these days they just make them do another fucking power ballad again. I want pop. I want fun. I want funk. I want dancing. I want joy. Yeah. At least during the disco era, there was a bit of a groove.

Yeah, that's what I want. So anyway, I'm going to give this zero because it was painful to watch, painful to listen to and painful to talk about. For the same reason, I'm giving I'm going to give it one. I think, Paul, you can't give zero that's like you can't nil point nil point without you can't without wanting to be crude i'm gonna

give samantha janice one yeah she puts the anus in janice she did in this song she really did yeah one for me one for me. One for me. All right. Okay, so the last song, I think, is the absolute worst. And I'm so proud. Because I didn't know this existed until I went looking for it. But it was a recent track, and it's called Dustin the... What's it called? Dustin the Turkey.

Here's a little clip of it now. Send to the east with Eurocans and Eurofee Wave them in the air to the turkey bee Ireland, they do the quack Ireland, they do the quack Ireland, they do the quack To the funky bee Come on! T-O-B, gobble, B-L-E Yeah! T-O-L-E Yeah Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello

Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello oh my god isn't it amazing oh yeah that's fantastic Oh yeah That's fantastic Isn't it good? I mean it's awful But it's good At this point I think

In your vision history Ireland had won it quite a few times To the point where it became a bit of a joke Yeah they did win a lot didn't they And I think this was Ireland saying, we can't be fucked anymore, and sabotaging. Please stop.

Again, on the YouTube comments underneath the video for this song, someone wrote, go home, Ireland, you're drunk. And the thing is, so I did the research on this, and Dust in the Turkey is a puppet on a TV show in Ireland. In fact, it started out with Zig and Zag. You remember Zig and Zag? Yeah. So started out with Zig and Zag. Remember Zig and Zag?

So why wasn't Zig and Zag our entry? Because they had number one. They had number one with Hands Up and Them Girls, Them Girls. Which was pure dancehall crossover puppet show madness. Was that them? Them girls, them girls, they love me.

They all love me. Them girls, them girls, they love me. That was Zig and Zag. That was Zig and Zag. At the time, you just thought, oh, this is all love me. Them girls, them girls, they love me. That was Zig and Zag. That was Zig and Zag. At the time, you just thought, oh, this is all out of bollocks, isn't it? But, you know, looking back... I really like Zig and Zag songs.

Crazy, crazy days. Who was behind Zig and Zag? And I don't mean physically. I can't remember their names. I'm looking into it now. Hang on, Zig and Zag. Do you mean, like, actually now? Or do you mean you're doing some correspondence?

They were a puppet duo... ...the last few weeks....performed by Nick O'Hara and Kieran Morrison. And they... They sound Irish, don't they? Yeah, they started on RTE's television late night show with Dust in the Turkey. And then they went on to do famously The Big Breakfast, the morning show with Chris Evans and such. And yeah, Dust in the Turkey, I think, is the best and the very worst eurovision song ever because it's an awful song but it's fun and also it's them obviously sticking a big massive finger

up to eurovision saying this is all shit isn't it yeah yeah how do you feel about him making fun of terry wogan's wig well you know i think terry could take it could take it you know by this time in the show terry was always pissed he got slowly pissed as he was doing the commentary throughout the show until at the end he was like, I'm so naive to that. I just, I never, never realised that ever, that that was happening. I mean, poor guy. You know, Terry, I think it was, it was being genuine when he said,

my God, it was tedious. Yeah. Because it is. It is tedious and awful. Because I think you need someone like Terry Wogan to offset the fucking cheesiness of Eurovision and the self-pompous importance of it all, you know?

And there's Wogan going... You've got to cut through the cheese. You've got to have a cheese knife, presumably. He cuts the cheese through. And Wogan often cut the cheese. There is one thing about Dustin, though. The key thing. Sexy. Well, this wasn't a very sexy song. I mean, it did

have an opera singer at the front. So, you know, you've got a woman dressed up in silver singing opera next to a talking, dancing turkey. And I think you've reached peak Eurovision at that point. You've got people in spangly pants, like I suggested you should have.

That's a win. I don't know what more. They've got Irish flags. But that's it. But they just don't give a win. I don't know what more. They've got Irish flags. But that's it. But they just don't give a fuck. I've never known a song enter Eurovision with such a we don't fucking care attitude.

And I kind of admire it. It almost has the air of it has the air of like a KLF on the Top of the Pops sort of vibe. Doesn't it almost? It's got Top of the Pops theme tune vibe.

It's got that 90s dance vibe. You know, that kind of safe pop dance music. Slutty baby! Slutty baby! Well, I'm just running with what, you know, babies, you know, why is baby sexiest? Can we not go down this avenue, please, at all? I've never been so upset.

We're not going down the baby avenue. Oh. Here are the lyrics to it, okay? Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan's wig. Mad acts and sad acts. It was Johnny Logan's gig. What was Johnny Logan? Was he an Irish dude who, I don't know.

Gobble, gobble, yeah. Hello, Abba. Hello, Bono. Hello, Helsinki. Holla, yeah. Hello, ABBA. Hello, Bono. Hello, Helsinki. Holla, Prague. Hello, Sailor. Sailor V. Auf Wiedersehen.

ABBA, that's a good point. Did they ever win it? No, they didn't. I don't think. Oh, no. They did Waterloo, wasn't it? That was their big hit. But I can't remember if it won.

That was a Eurovision song. See, back in those days, Eurovision songs could cross over and be huge pop hits. But these days, you know. Did you say huge puppets? No. Also what you've got to remember is like there were a lot more name singers going on. You had Cliff Richard because everyone thought Cliff

Richard won for Celebration. Er not Celebration. What's the song called? Congratulations. But he never did. It came second but everyone thought he won. I bet he hates that. Yeah. I bet he doesn't like to be reminded of that Yeah, and the fact that he's in love with a vicar but you know, all these little things I bet he gets sent out of the vicarage

if you mention congratulations coming second I don't understand that reference What would we vote Dustin the Turkey for at the end? I'm going to give it 5 because I just like it it's moxie I'll give it three. It made me laugh.

I am really torn between giving it a five and a one or nil. I find it very, very difficult to decide whether it is perfect Eurovision or it's an abomination. I think it's perfect Eurovision. Yeah. So what are you going to give it a point for then? Give it a five abomination. I think it's perfect Eurovision.

So what are you going to give it a point for then? Give it a five. Five from me. Eli, you're going to go with a two? Three. Alright, okay. So there we go. I think our big winners there were Dustin the Turkey and Amadeo, I think. Yes. They were our big winners there.

And just to end on, I think the most awful crime eurovision has ever done the worst thing it's ever produced was michael flatley's fucking river dance and i think that alone is why your vision should be you know put in the bin did they sing no they did the river dance that was the first time anyone saw irish people move their feet in unison what was it on eurovision yeah because when islandireland won they had like the halftime show didn't they when they were doing the voting thing and so michael flatley came on it was like diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly did this laura the dance thing racist with everyone's

moving their feet while their bodies so racist what i'm not racist that's what the music went like it went diddly diddly diddly i think we should outdo a song called Brexit. Eat your Brexit. Eat your Brexit. Yeah. It could be called Brexit, Lunch and Dinner. And it could be, is it Colin Farrell, the guy in his sex tape that said that? Nigel Farage singing Bed and Brexit. A song about staying in a shitty bed and breakfast.

And he's the landlord. They've kicked out a couple for being homosexual. It could be a little story. Yeah. Get out you queers, I'm having a beer. Katie Hopkins comes in and says something appalling and then Dustin the turkey flies in at the end and fucking pecks her eyes out.

Yeah. Shit's on them. So there you go. And I think that'll do it for our... Really? Yeah, I think that'll fucking do for our Cheap Show. We should mention the Patreon. I'm going to do that now, but thank you for remembering, Eli. So, if you enjoy

what we do on Cheap Show, help us out. We've started up a Patreon page. If you go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, you can see all the rewards we've got going there. Even if you give just one dollar, that goes a little way towards keeping... i'll do something for you eli well i'll do something for you personally is this what we do paul we say i'll personally help you no i am not sending people i'm not sending you around to someone's house to give them a handjob because they gave us a dollar and

personally help out that's creepy as fuck mate the point being is actually shut up i'm trying to do the shop i'm trying to do the shop i'm not giving anyone a hand job right go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show there are lots of tiers there so you can give us a dollar or you can give us a couple of dollars either way no matter what you donate we are very thankful for it we really appreciate it helps keep the lights. And there are lots and lots of lovely rewards and tears for you. And we'll be announcing and reading out the names of people who have helped us along the way to say thank you. So get involved in that. Look into it. Hopefully, you'll help us out at Cheap Show. You can email us at thecheapshow at gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod and get involved with us on Facebook and our website as well.

If you go to our website and listen to this podcast, you can see the videos of all the songs we've talked about today on our dedicated page, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's it. Ash and Eli, do you want to say anything? It's weird, isn't it, calling it The Cheap Show and then we ask for money. It's making it less cheap, isn't it?

I think it makes you both more cheap. I think so. All right, that's good, yeah. That's good. Yeah, that's another way of looking at it. More cheap, isn't it? I think it makes you both more cheap. I think so. All right, that's good, yeah. That's good. That's another way of looking at it. More cheap, more cheap. More cheap, cheap, cheap, sexy baby, cheapy baby. Right.

You can follow Ash on Twitter, at Ash Frith and all his hateful views. Please do. God, please do follow me on Twitter. I need it so bad, like mother's milk. Haven't we got a live show coming up as well, Paul, that people might want to hear about? Yes, we're actually coming up.

I'll mention it now, actually, because one of these weird things, when you mention it in a podcast and people listen to it years or months later, they're like, oh, I don't give a fuck. Well, it's coming out this Friday. This is out this Friday, isn't it? This is out this Friday.

Well, the Friday that we recorded, but basically we're going to be at MCM Comic Con in London on the 26th, which is Friday of May, and we'll be there on the VidFest stage. Come along, bring some tat along. 26th of Friday? Shut the fuck up. You can't let it go.

Friday the 26th of May at the Excel Centre, MCN Comic Con. If you go to MCN Comic Con, look at their website, you'll find details there. On the VidFest stage, our special guest is Ash Frith. Yay! Hello. And Mr Tom Bell, comedian and actor. Bring lots of goodies that we can have a look at. details there on the fifth stage our special guest is ash frith and mr tom bell comedian and actor bring lots of goodies

that we can have a look at we're going to play some games bring gifts bring me a gift someone bring me a gift i'll bring you one ash i'll bring you i'm looking at i've got a shelf in

here full of stuff it's groaning with gift possible gifts here right well this half hour podcast has become an hour so i want to finish it now. So say goodbye.

All right, bye, everybody. Sexy baby, foxy baby, goodbye. Hot. Hot. Thank you. That's one sexy day.