CheapShow - Ep 432: CheapShow TV 2025 (Part One)

Starting point is 00:00:00 And finally, with some intrepidation, Wide Travelling Rob decides to finally leave the house. Right, hello everybody, Wide Travelled Rob here. I'm about to leave the house and go on a journey, a very far journey to a very far place. And you'll just have to come along with me to find out where it will be. Come on now. I'm taking the keys right and I'm going to walk out the front door. Yes I've put my hand on the handle and I'm turning the key in the lock now. It's fine. I'll be going very far. That's my name after all. I'm wide travel. I'm opening the door and there's a lot of Bibs lab noises outside in the street. Bib, I'm looking at the sky and it's a huge yawning Bib void that is about to engulf me. And I don't... I just want to be back inside and home.

Starting point is 00:00:59 And home. I'm going back inside. One travel mob. No. No. That's it. No. That's... No. I'm going back inside. I'm going back in. Bib. I'm going back in. I'm going back inside. I want to travel, Rob. No, no, that's it. No, that's... No, I'm going back inside. I'm going back in. I'm going back in right now. And we'll see why travelling Rob again next week... ...when he attempts to finally pluck up the courage... ...to cross the road to the other side of his street. Will he make it? You'll have to find out in what desperately promises to be a terrific new episode of High and Low with Why Traveling

Starting point is 00:01:35 Rob. Coming up after the break, a brand new edition of Cheap Show TV. Crust. I'd like to tell you about a really different software magazine called Input. It's a weekly course that program by program will help you get the most from your computer. And it's designed specially for many of the leading computers. Input's clear instructions will have you creating your own animation and sound effects to go with it. And teach it to you to understand machine code by using it practically and imaginatively. Oi! Leave it out.

Starting point is 00:02:10 Input. Learn to program for fun and the future. Whenever you feel empty, the hunger pangs appear. They crawl around your tummy and rumbles all you hear. So what's it take to fill you up and help you start the day? You make it me, wait, mate. There's no better way to keep the hands of fate. The waitabix, if you know what's good for you.

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Starting point is 00:03:32 Y'all listening to Cheap Show TV, which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Later on this evening there's another fact-packed edition of TrackBot's Fact Pack. But before that trainwreck, it's time for Cheap Show to revisit an old format idea that they've not done in years. Paul and Eli are getting quizzical once again, so it must be time for a brand new edition of the Cheap Show TV! Yay! Not as good as it used to be. It's tricky. Well, maybe get it out on the swan. No, I hate this. I hate him!

Starting point is 00:04:33 I'm your host Paul Gannon and with me as ever is my darling score taker tonight, Mr. E.I.J. Silverman. Hello Paul, yes I'm here. I'm here tonight and I'm here to take the scores. And no one will curry favor with me I'll be very impartial. I look to you mine leader To help you run these games smoothly I won't take no shit. You will be fierce with his score mastering But you are the final arbiter of score I will have to swing left or right if I have to

Starting point is 00:05:10 To it's a rock with your back my throat. Yeah, that's what I was never say that how's about I fucking suffocate you my cock anyway I'll give the cheap show TV and an episode of game shows and fun. Funny stuff, everyone. For all the family, right? It's a game show for all the family. You're like a demented family for me. Yeah, I'm like the, what are the family name? The Sawyers in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Is that what they're called? I believe they're called the Sawyers. No, we mustn't derail this and make this about film, everyone. No, until we get onto it, Eli's opinion on the film Trap, which we do not have 45 minutes for. Oh, you've read it three times already. It's bad. It's alright.

Starting point is 00:05:52 Eli, you're missing it out here. Take one of the tea, it's crap. It's a very special edition of Cheap Show, where we pit two teams against each other in a gauntlet of board games based on TV game shows and we see who at the end of four games is the game TV show board game victor isn't that right mr silverman that's right and we've got two podcast teams Facing off we do the title the first inaugural title of cheap show board game tv board game podcast guest champion of the year. Who we got? Sorry about this everyone. We're a technical. No, there will be no scoring until the mics are secured. Why I brought you an Easter egg? He's having some erectile dysfunction. Are you gonna believe me? You know what? I don't even like Easter or chocolate.

Starting point is 00:06:49 Eggs I like. Right, it's fixed. Frank Spencer's microphone is fixed. Now what do you want to talk about Hungarian fucking restaurants? No, there was a museum called the Hanterian. He's an anatomist and basically had lots of- He's an anat?

Starting point is 00:07:01 In mist. He's an anat in mist. A lot of dead pregnant rats in jars! You can see their babies in them! Anyway, we have two podcast teams today, facing off against each other. And Team A is on my left hand side. And can the team captain please introduce himself and his podcast and then his teammate so I don't have to do any more work. Hello and welcome to Shut Up and Answer the Question, the show where we take your questions and take a long time to answer them. I'm Ethan Lawrence.

Starting point is 00:07:28 And I'm Sean Anthony. And who we have as a guest today, well multiple guests actually on our podcast. What are you doing? Shut up. That's enough of that. Hey Paul, hey. You said you didn't want to do anything so I just thought I'd... Can we have the name of your podcast again? The name of the podcast is shut up and Answer the Question, available on all good podcasts, and some of the bad ones. Hey! Oh! Oh! Oh! Like Spotify.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Erm... We'll just call them Shut Up. No, I'll call them What I Fucking Like, which is the actual name of the podcast. It's too long! What, you're constantly trying to... It's not that long! You're constantly trying to shorten things!

Starting point is 00:08:03 I don't like it. I don't like it. Okay, did you listen at all? You're constantly trying to shorten things. I don't like it. Okay, did you listen at all? You're constantly trying to shorten things. My secret, innit? No, then. My secret. I have actually heard one episode, and that was enough.

Starting point is 00:08:14 Paul, I've got a joke. See you later. I've got a joke here. Oh, he's got a joke, everyone. Sorry, we won't get to know you. Let's not get to know you. Hang on, guys. Hang on. You're not get to know you. Hang on guys, hang on guys.

Starting point is 00:08:26 You're constantly trying to shorten things. Very much like Elon Musk's surgeon in reverse. Fuck you, man. Anyone? Right, shut down, answer the question. I'd like to add the sound of a tumbleweed rolling through the podcast. Yeah, well you won't though, will you?

Starting point is 00:08:42 Because it's too much fucking work. No, will you because it's too much fucking work? I'm fucking did now How did you get started in your podcast what was it that inspired you to make a podcast Oh, well, this was the this is the the husk of a rotting corpse That was another podcast with the same concept that we stole, didn't we, Sean? Stop, I was, I was in the original one as well. Yeah, Sean killed it initially.

Starting point is 00:09:11 So you just decided to, you know, take it over, like, you know. It was like Elon Musk. It was a full on corporate take. It keeps coming up. It was, yes. So you got Elon Musk and Tesla, you came and you- You bought something that he just wanted

Starting point is 00:09:23 and then changed the name of it and then ruined it. Parasitized. I retained all of the previous staff no one was made redundant except the other but it's like the PayPal story just to confirm initially is because the other guy Martin shout out to Martin is extremely successful and me and Sean on shout out to Martin I've got a question. Yes, is wrestling involved in either of these podcasts? Any of them? Uh, no. Good. Why do I think that? Why do I think that too? Because he does wrestling stuff doesn't he? But that's separate to the podcast I have a lot of irons and a lot of fires. Yeah. Fingers'll finger your pie in a minute yeah hairy pie yeah I want your knuckle up to the butt of my hairy pie and it will be there Sean this is completely fucking mental why do you like working with him well it's easy because he does all the

Starting point is 00:10:15 talking and I can just be a face really you're the good looking one as well I've got more face I look like a half melted Easter egg. Oh, no you don't. You look like if someone shaved Orville. It's fun. Are you enjoying making a podcast? I am. Yes. I get paid more to, I don't get paid at all. Yes, I get paid more to... I don't get paid at all. Oh, ooooh. That's it. That's it, we've done enough of them now.

Starting point is 00:10:48 We've done enough of them now. Are you paying people today, Paul? Out of our Patreon money? Yes, we are actually. Their travel expenses and whatnot. Oh, I just thought I'd bring that up there. You think it was appropriate, did you? No, I did not. That's why I brought it up. Production meeting in... Let's talk about fees. Can we just shut up about them?

Starting point is 00:11:07 I have a question about... Can we shut up and move on from them? I just have one last question. You can say shut up and answer the question. One more question. We'll shut up and answer it. Come on. Please, if you would.

Starting point is 00:11:15 What is the question in the shot? What role does questions play in the format of your podcast? We field questions from our audience. We answer one per episode and we basically sort of adhd our way through answering it so if i gave you like a question like uh what's your favorite sausage uh we would spend 45 minutes answering that question don't say things like that but what type of sausage

Starting point is 00:11:34 no i think a lot about that but you think a lot about duty hot sausage yes yeah hey hey i love the food stuff sausages there we go exactly we like to get you on for the sausage that's one of the best questions you've come up with ever paul I love the food stuff sausages. There we go. Exactly. We like to get you on for the sausages. That's one of the best questions you've come up with ever Paul.

Starting point is 00:11:49 What type of sausage? Is it a cured sausage? Exactly. I'm drawing a line. Shut up. Are the ones from Ikea? How about you shut up. I introduce team A, who's team captain now is about to introduce his name of the podcast, format of the podcast, co-host, and raise on detra.

Starting point is 00:12:07 You said that we're both Team A, is that deliberate? You said they were Team A as well. I get the idea that. That was meant to be Instruction Team One. No, your Team A has the AA and he's A as in EH! Oh, so, ah! Eh! Eh!

Starting point is 00:12:22 Eh-eh! Eh-eh! No, your Team A is Team A! Oh, sorry. Ah! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Guys, this is the kind of improvisation that Paul really needs to be involved with so he doesn't get angry.

Starting point is 00:12:33 Sorry. Sorry. Hey, it's like you're an Italian guy or something, Paul. Hey! Hey! Hey! Like in the films, Paul. Hey!

Starting point is 00:12:42 Tom, I'm very sorry for that rude interruption. Please go ahead and introduce your podcast, for fuck's sake. My podcast's not called Fuck's Sake Paul. Hello, I'm Tom from The Variety Show, and we do a show all about nostalgia, random shit that we honestly don't think we'll get away with doing for much longer. And this is my co-host, Rob. What?

Starting point is 00:13:07 I just over-wavered. This is certainly what I have to butt up with. All right. So we've got two shows, we've got two shows because you have the Untitled Sci-Fi show as well. And we've got the Untitled Sci-Fi show as well. What kind of crazy locks do you get up to? What's your favorite moment in your podcast?

Starting point is 00:13:21 Oh, fuck me. What do you have to ask questions? Paul, That's the important part of being a game show. Hey shut up and answer the question. You shut up. You answer your questions. We're answering the question. Okay. That was the fucking best part. The irony spider. The irony spider. Who's she? The irony spider. Oh fuck me. Say it again! No, we got it, Paul, we got it. Hello, I'm Irene Spider. Scuttle off, Irene.

Starting point is 00:13:50 You fucking whore. Hey, we don't call her a whore! Well, see how many babies she had! She's a spider! And she has one lover. They're crawling all over the floor, her babies. Yeah. I crushed them underfoot.

Starting point is 00:14:02 Well, thanks for killing that improvisation. It went way better than I thought it would. Do you have any questions for them? Yes. Go on. I do. So when you say you have two separate podcasts. Yes. So they go out. How often do they go out and what's their schedule vis-a-vis each other? Alternating Mondays. Shut you. Yeah, fortnightly alternating. Every Monday there's a new episode of one of them. Okay, cool. That's cool. I've never seen that before, like a two podcast in one sort of way.

Starting point is 00:14:31 Two Tia podcasts release situation. And on the Untitled Sci-Fi show, half of your show, do you do books as well as TV and film? At the moment it's just TV and film, but we got problems with it. Do you read sci-fi novels? I like sci-fi novels. You can't read and do you read? I listen to them, yeah. You listen to books? Audio.

Starting point is 00:14:51 You hear against the books? I do and I just listen to the sound of the trees crying. Like an eggshell. I ask, like an eggshell. Just like an eggshell. No, and it's seashell. I ask Paul, because you'll like this, you'll like this. Will I?

Starting point is 00:15:02 I'm a big fan of Dick. Philip K. Dick, the well-known sci-fi what part did you think I'd like yeah you love it you love it you were throttling me with your knob what couching my eyes out with your thumbs family show is this why we were outside family show you're lucky that's all the questions I have for them if you don't mind. Right, well we're going to crack on with the show now that we've got the teams in place and it's time to play the first of our shows today and we are playing MUSIC PLAYS APPLAUSE

Starting point is 00:16:06 Yes, it's Play Your Cards Right, famously hosted in the 80s by... We're all getting ready for it, we're all ready for it, we're on the starting line waiting for the whistle to blow. All hosted by... Brooks Forsythe! Hey! Nice to see you guys! Nice to see you guys! Nice to see you guys! Nice to see you guys! Nice to beat you! Nice to beat you! That's enough of that, everyone's got the Bruce 4

Starting point is 00:16:34 Scythe out of their system. Let's go! That is one of the most horrible sounds you make. Just going to go ahead and say that. That is one of the most horrible sounds you make. Just gonna go ahead and say that. AHHHHHHHHH! Bruce on his deathbed. He wants to die! What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:16:52 You sound more like fucking Gollum. I'm doing him on his deathbed. You don't want to be doing that. You're gonna do it in your press. Bruce Fawcett on his deathbed. Big, big painkillers. Do you want more painkillers, Brucie? Woah! It's alright, everybody.

Starting point is 00:17:17 Well recovered. Right, okay, I'll be card master on this. Yeah, Eli is card master, but the game is kind of simple. Two teams pit against each other to answer questions They have to guess it a number and then the other team guesses higher or low on the answer to that the winner goes Through to the card round where they will have to take Six cards. Oh fuck it will go as we go. We know how it works. Does anyone understand anything he just said? No, that's great

Starting point is 00:17:40 I'm gonna ask team a a question You will give me a number in response for instance if I say to you out of a hundred people how many were happy to have their penis caught in their flies, you'd give me a number. Ten. Then you'd have to say... I'd be lower than that. It would be lower. It's gonna go lower. It might be lower. You don't know who you're asking.

Starting point is 00:17:56 I suspect that there might be one or two in the kink community that might be in town. But ten, I think. One ten to the population. Where did they go last question? Zip fly by 100 people in the fetish club. They would imagine a button must be worse. That's where they pulled it from. Yeah, they did. They asked them in a fetish club. I think one Anyway, the other team will then have to see if they think the answer is higher or lower than the one given by team A. Whoever wins goes through to the card round where you have to take turnover cards, guessing which one is going to be higher or lower. If you get through to the end of the rack, six cards, you will win that round. The rack is six cards long.

Starting point is 00:18:39 Yes, and the first one they get for free obviously because that's their starting point. Five additional cards plus the starter card. Yes We are gonna start with team shut up and answer the question A B it's gonna be easier Eli can go into the elaboration But you got it wrong straight away because you both called both of us team A You have to make a decision right now either whether you're going to give me shit or whether you're going to fucking just pay the penalty. Well, I understand that you're not necessarily in charge of the scores. So I can take it. I'm the final arbiter of it. Oh, so if it all comes down

Starting point is 00:19:17 to him, it all comes up to me. I'm just saying this professionalism, that's all. Excuse me. and that's all. Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me. Right, here's your first question. Okay. Okay. Oh, he likes this one. He likes this one. Down the fetish club. Right, we asked 100 married women, at bedtime have you ever left your husband waiting while you change into a sexy nightgown only to find him fast asleep How many women said yes? They put on a sexy nightgown for a good time in bed only to find their husband asleep when they got there out of a hundred Right well Sean you're married man At least once a week

Starting point is 00:20:06 Shared wardrobe or Well, I just, well, at least once a week. Oh, dirty boy. I like my necklace, eh? Yeah. Is it a shared wardrobe or? Well, it depends. I don't think she wears it. Fair enough, mate. It's all for me. Let's go and get some mues. I think we've worked too much.

Starting point is 00:20:16 Go on, what do you think? It's gotta be, I'd say maybe teens, do you think, maybe? No, we're not asking teens. It was married women, it said it. Oh, inappropriate. Oh, I lay it up and he nodded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called professionalism.

Starting point is 00:20:27 Guys, we're going to commit to 20. 20? Yes. Right. Team B, is the actual answer higher or lower than that, do you think? So this has got to be the 80s, doesn't it? What did they say? 20.

Starting point is 00:20:42 20. It's got to be more than that. I reckon higher. I reckon the old boys were all home, pissed from? Twenty. Twenty. So... It's gotta be more than that. I reckon higher. I reckon the old boys were all home pissed from the pub. Yeah. Speaking from experience. Oh well. Oh darling!

Starting point is 00:20:51 Oh darling! Put on your snuck clothes while I sleep in bed. I put my fat cap on the sideboard and then I wake up to got a rolling pin up my arse! Shouldn't have fallen asleep! Shouldn't have fucked that! Higher or lower? Higher!

Starting point is 00:21:10 We asked the 100 women at Bedtime, have you ever left your husband waiting while you change his sexy like? I don't define him fast asleep. They said the number was... 33 was higher! So Team B gets to have the first go of the rack of cards. So Eli, you need to deal six down onto your pack. It's ever going to Eli's rack. Yeah. I think you'll find there are shuffled,

Starting point is 00:21:32 but if you wish to shuffle them further, you're more than welcome to. I'll give them a little shift shaft. Give them a little shift shaft shuffle. So our beautiful assistant Eli Silver is now shuffling the cards and is going to lay out six upon the card mat. Should I hand it in now? Shall Iling the cards and is going to lay out six upon the card mat. Should I now shuffle the cards?

Starting point is 00:21:53 Okay. Right now they I just do one right because they have to see. You put all six down at the same time it's part of the visual grandeur of it. So put six down then turn the first one over all right. So your first starting card Tom, okay You don't need to tilt it too much Yeah, first card is the fourth of hearts higher or lower on the next one It means they stop they can't go any further. They say we could have a repair. Not in this game.

Starting point is 00:22:31 Alright, round two. We started with you so we're going to start with team B. This time start with a question. And it is... Don't show them a card here. No, not yet because no one's got the question right. If they get it right they go back to their first rack. Right.

Starting point is 00:22:46 Oh, we asked 100 people, if most of the citizens in a town wanted legalized prostitution, should they get it? How many of the 100 people said yes, they are fine to legalize prostitution in their town? What town was it? Birmingham. I don't know. There's no town here.

Starting point is 00:23:04 It doesn't say. So I can't give you there's no town here. It doesn't say. So I can't give you any more information geographically. A little observation there. Which I think would make a difference. Are these real questions? Yeah. I was gonna say these are- How thirsty are these fucking researchers?

Starting point is 00:23:14 What? How many times they do it? They never fucking turn it down. What was the age of the game? This is a four plus game. Well, they're prostitutes. Right little tinnies. They're prostitutes.

Starting point is 00:23:23 What the fucking shit? The thing is, there are a hundred questions here. I couldn't Timmy. Prostitutes, right, fucking shit. The thing is, there are a hundred questions here. I couldn't do a boring one. Like how many fucking- Oh, I see. I'm picking the juicy ones. It's your bad. I see you had a time.

Starting point is 00:23:33 Yeah. Trying to make it interesting. I stand picking the juicy ones. While you just sit there and go, righty. I don't think they'd admit it either. Anyway. It's gonna be a low,

Starting point is 00:23:41 because they're not gonna admit it. If they're still next to their wife. Let's go on. Tom Robb. Tom Robb. Trob. 25. Trob. Less. Less? Anyway, it's gonna be a low because they're not gonna admit it if they're still next to their wife 25 trob less less less 15 15 Split the difference go to 20 high teen go in the middle. Oh fuck me it go 20 then Team a higher or lower than 20. Do you think I think their logic's good in that people won't want to admit it. And also, I don't think, I think they might agree with the idea of it in principle, but not actually want

Starting point is 00:24:10 it in their town. Not in my backyard. Not in my backyard. Not in my backyard. Not in my backyard. That might be keen with it. I like it in my backyard. If it was, yeah, in general, as a sort of thing.

Starting point is 00:24:21 But like, not in my town. Yeah. Should we go lower? What do you think? Higher or lower? They said 20 in the end. They said higher last time as well, so might as well just give it lower as well. Make it interesting. So you always think lower than 20 people out of 100 wanted prostitution in their town? Yes. All right, okay. So they asked 100 people if they would like legalized prostitution in their town. You said 20. You said higher. The actual answer was? 71.

Starting point is 00:24:47 Whoa! Whoa! 71! Wow, the 80s were horny! Do you know what? That dude right there is like, yeah, go on in, fucking here. They're just right-minded people with good,

Starting point is 00:24:58 honest, liberal, democratic views. Who knew it was a anonymous questionnaire? Ah ha! Right, so it's back to Rob then. So, honestly, really don't mind getting that wrong. That's brilliant. Rob. High or low? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Starting point is 00:25:12 I'm Tom, he's Rob. Rob, Tom, Tom, Tom. Do you want to keep that card number four or do you want to change it for a new card? You get one chance at this. So if you want to keep it, you can keep it or we can change it. Keep it.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Keep it. Four's a The fours are good. Next card then higher or lower than a four. Higher. Higher than a four. Five. Just five. Yeah, we're some bastards. Higher or lower than a five.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Higher again. Higher. Four. You're getting all the fours. Bad luck. Right, put that back down. We go on to the next round. Right, we go on to the next round.

Starting point is 00:25:45 Here we go. Team A. Hello. 100 bachelors were asked this question. Oh. Anonymously. At the end of your expensive date, did she say yes? For people only listening to the audio,

Starting point is 00:25:59 Paul gave a lascivious wink. I don't know. How dare you make fun of my sensitive twitch to awkward situations. Yeah that's what I hate to call it. My sensitive twitch. Who's gonna deal with my sensitive twitch? Dodgy streaming. Paul's just asked a hundred times. So the answer's a hundred. No no no come on. How many, how many, oh, I've lost the question. Bachelors, at the end of the expensive date, did she say yes?

Starting point is 00:26:29 I think they're alluding to the fact that they asked for a proposal kind of thing. So how many said yes? Not to like a fuck or backdoor action. Did you have a good evening? Did you have a good evening? Yeah, none of that. So, come on, love, I bought you snails,

Starting point is 00:26:43 give me a fucking action. Escar, go on. None of that. So come on, love a book your snails. Give me a fucking Yes when they asked after expensive dates for the marriage proposal. How many do you think? Bear in mind that these are, this is anonymous. So I think they're going to want to try and... They're going to buff their numbers for their own sake. Buff your numbers in a minute.

Starting point is 00:27:15 Do four, pardon. 16? I was going to say 16 as well. Oh my God, we're 16. I know. We should do a podcast together. Yeah. Don't know about that.

Starting point is 00:27:24 16, knock it in. 16, they say 16. I wish we had this relationship. Team B, high or lower than 60? How many bachelors got a yes after expensive dates? We're going lower. Lower. Lower. You said lower, you said 60. The actual answer was 52. Team A get it. Team A get it. Team A get it. Team A get it. Team A get it. Ethan and Sean get the point so now you have to I thought I was meant to be in charge of like keeping track of reality. Eli, who won the round? Reality.

Starting point is 00:28:00 Team B. Alright go on, there you go. You've got two more cards to go. Now, do you want to test your luck? I bet it's a two and a three. No, it on, there you go. You've got two more cards to go. Now, do you want to test your luck? I bet it's a two and a three. No, it's the other fucking four. It's going to be higher than the last four in the deck. I've had a shit lot, Rob, you deal with it.

Starting point is 00:28:13 Higher than a four. It's an ace. It's an ace. That's higher than a four. It is. I know. Oh, we're playing aces higher. Yeah, we are playing aces higher.

Starting point is 00:28:21 Lower. Lower than an ace. On a point, a technical point, yeah. Do aces play both low and high in player cards? I don't know. They go both ways. If you got a two and you say lower and you got an ace, I know you wouldn't do that, but I know.

Starting point is 00:28:34 Would you? Do you know what? I didn't think to check. Well, I'd like to know. Well, you're the rule master. You say no, if it's a high or low card. This version of player card writes aces are high and low. Either. So then that means they can say anything to the last card.

Starting point is 00:28:48 Doesn't matter, I guess. It's ace. It's an ace. So just say anything and you've won. Anything. Turn it over. Oh, yeah, maybe not. Maybe I take that rule back.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Because if it's low, it's going to be higher anyway. Anyway, Team B, they have won the first round of Play It! Let's go to a quick advertisement break. Any kitchen in a flat pack could be awkward, even difficult Cos it all comes in little boxes and you do all the work yourself. But with the Moven Pretty Kitchen, you get the Moven service, having fun. With the pretty, choose Moven number one. Choose the Moven comprehensive service.

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Starting point is 00:30:55 Happy birthday, Toby. Ahhhhh! Create a better atmosphere with Hayes. My mum always gets the Cabral's fingers, that one is a birth dice, yes? There's been a lot of birth dice lately. Yes, the label's Napoleon's birth dice. Before that was Albie and Arthur's birth dice. Even the Fifth Battalion have had birthdays lately.

Starting point is 00:31:28 The whole lot of them. But today is Harry the Spider's coming out party. Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers. When you're fancy, a special occasion. Welcome back to Cheap Show TV and we're playing Play Your Card right at the end of that first round. Eli, what are the scores? Team B won round one. Team B win round one.

Starting point is 00:32:03 Right, let's go into round two then. If we get to a point where it's a draw, we'll go to a sudden death question. Alright? So that means you can equalise this and we can go to a sudden death at the end of this round, okay? We'll try our best. Since you're behind, you're going to start first this round and so here is your first question. Oh. Uh oh. He likes this one. He likes this one.

Starting point is 00:32:24 It's a high. No, this is... Do I need to take the scores down for this? You remembered being asked the question. Oh Take the scores down for this you remember now, it's the same as before Right round one was a win for this for teammate, erby Right, we asked 100 playboy bunnies. Oh Christ. Are you a college graduate? How many said yes, they were a courage, courage grab a little college graduate. Okay. Right. This is where we find out how objectified Ethan and Sean treat women based on their

Starting point is 00:32:53 guesstimation. I was going to say quite high because it probably, it was a way for them to pay for college, right? Yeah. Yeah. Something they did to get through college. Well, I did. Yeah. So I got through. Yeah. I just suck off Hugh Hefner. But he didn't even go to college.

Starting point is 00:33:07 He just wanted to. He's like trying to porridge through a hose. Horrible. Right. And like I had flakes in my teeth for days. Ready brick. Can we go 45? Is that, oh, you give me a look.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Oh, I was going to say over half. Over half? Should we split the difference and just go for half? Yeah. 50. 50. A nice number in the middle. So team B, higher or lower than half.

Starting point is 00:33:38 When you say low, we're going to sound like absolute... No, I can't agree with what they said. I reckon it could have been something that they would have done to get their selves through college Hi, yeah, and they got paper therapy right team. They said higher Team a said 50 we have to hundred playboy bunnies. Are you a college courage? The answer was 17 I'm surprised. They found a hundred Playboy bunnies. Well they didn't fuck off to a mirror, let's face it. No true. But that means Ethan and Sean you get your first go

Starting point is 00:34:12 of the cards. Eli it's up to you now, here we go. The old pretty shuffle masters getting his shuffle on and dealing out the cards fairly. Right, shall I shuffle the cards now? Oh God, if you make that joke one more time, I'll do nothing about it and continue to let you do it. You ready guys? We're ready. Deal out six, two, three, four, five, six and the first card is... Three. Higher or lower than a three higher than a three is it they say higher than three higher than a three king lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower At any point you can bank where you are if you want to, but it means you go back to questions, just so you know. But however you want to, it's up to you. Everyone got higher, right?

Starting point is 00:35:08 Higher than a two, higher than a two, it's a six! Ooh. Do we wanna swap? The swap? No, you can't do it until you lose a round, you get the chance to swap a card out then. That wasn't made clear. It was made clear, it was actually made clear

Starting point is 00:35:21 when I explained the rules to Tom and Rob. Nothing, nothing, no. Which I am now gonna call Trob. I don't think it's clear as ready, but. And then and Robin. Nothing that, no. Which I am now going to call Trob. I mean, first, clear as ready, but... Given we've got an evens chance of getting back in the game anyway, should we just give it a go? I like that. There's more cards above it than below.

Starting point is 00:35:34 You can bank it if you want right now as well. That's a perfectly legitimate thing. We can go back to questions. It's quite middling card, and so that's why they're hesitating. They're going to go higher than a six. Show me higher than a six. It's a queen. Oh. I'm in for a penny, in for a passata, right?

Starting point is 00:35:51 Lower, lower than a queen. Lower than a six. Oh. King. King. King. King. The one thing.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Which means, king on the river. You've got to keep, you've got, I can't remember what happens when they lose on the last card at this point. I think we've got to put two cards down blind at the end for you. That's fine. Okay. Two cards down blind for them at the end. So keep a king out, because that's their starting one, but then we have to give them two blind

Starting point is 00:36:15 cards out. And you've got to guess them exactly. Right, we move on to Team B then. Team B, here is your question to start off. Ooh! That's not a question. That's more of an exclamation. Team Ooh! That's his team name. Team B then, Team B, here is your question to start off. Ooh. That's not a question. That's more of an exclamation. Team Ooh. That's his team name.

Starting point is 00:36:30 Hi. We asked 100 married men, fuck me. Courage gladioli. She's gonna change jobs for the next one. Courage gladioli. You should have spent more time in college than sucking off your teeth. Hugh Hefner's damaged your fucking throat. Your jaws are weird. I don't have student debt as college than sucking off your dick. Yeah. Hugh, heaven has damaged your fucking throat.

Starting point is 00:36:45 Your jaws are weird. I don't have student debt as a result, so I win. Right. You do have student debt. I don't. So get that in your pipe. Right. 100 married men, if you and your wife kept a parrot,

Starting point is 00:36:57 and one day the parrot said, I love you, big owl, would you be suspicious? How many? I said, yes, they would be suspicious to a parent that said I love you Big Al so we've gone from Prostitution to a fucking parrot. I'm thinking to myself. I'd love that. I had to sell this question 100 times Just imagine you had a parrot To get this up look I'm gonna give you I'll give you money In the middle of Barnsley, sorry sorry do you have a moment come on love hi you're all

Starting point is 00:37:30 oh and give us a number how many how many married men said they would be suspicious if they had a parrot that said i love you big owl 40 it's just an amazing question it's one of the best questions i've ever heard in my life we're going with 40 we're going with 40 we can't get the one of the best questions I've ever heard in my life. I just go with 40. We're going with 40. We're going with 40. Go for 40. If you can't get the image of the parrot, have a... Ethan.

Starting point is 00:37:50 Hello, big M. Hi, I'm all over the 40. We've got a disagreement here. Yeah. I think men are naturally suspicious. So I think they might go for it. But you take 40. I would all in on 40.

Starting point is 00:37:58 Well, I'd say lower than 40. Cause I just think it's just fucking bonkers. All right, well, no, at 10. As it, well, yeah, it would just be, or they'd think it was a joke. I'll put my trust in you. Give me an answer. I'll put my faith in you.

Starting point is 00:38:10 We're gonna go for lower, right? Go lower then? Lower. You say lower, you say 40. We can't get lower. The actual number was 69. Yeah! Nice. Nice. What a number.

Starting point is 00:38:21 So, now hand over to Rob and Tom for their rack of six. Okay, I have to say, I was with Sean on the psychology, you would think it was a fucking joke, wouldn't you? Yeah. You definitely would. I just thought men were more suspicious. Right, Tom and Rob, here is your card and your starting card is... Oh, a good one.

Starting point is 00:38:41 What are you saying, is that a high or low card for you, Eli, today? They get a free go, don't they? Well, how about you swap out the top card then? Swap out that card from the other one. I know. Yes, swap it out. I want it swapped out. I'm not swapping out. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You can't just give them a free move.

Starting point is 00:38:56 Of course you can. It's the luck of the fucking draw. That's no fucking point. Look, Andrew's put it down for us. Higher or lower than an ace. Oh this is such a smooth project. Ace is high, right? So lower. This is it down for us. High or low, the lace? Oh, this is such a smooth question. High or low, the lace? It is high, right? So lower. This is quite smooth for us, actually. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:39:08 That's why you need to tell me right now. They say low if they are correct or not. They're correct whether they say high or low. They just have to say what they... Say one. Lower. Right. Two.

Starting point is 00:39:19 Higher. Higher than a two. King. Lower. Lower than a king. Ten. Ten. What? Lower than a ten. Lower than a king Rob's feeling the gamblers Sorry the parrots back Right question a deranged question a they we asked 100 millionaires If you could do your wealth by doing so would you sell your soul to the devil?

Starting point is 00:40:04 How many of those 100 millionaires said would you sell your soul to the devil how many of those 100 millionaires? Said they would sell their soul to the devil minimum 70. They're gonna say a hundred 70? Yeah, 75. 75, keep it as the... 75, lock it in! 75 is the score, so Tom and Rob, higher or lower than 75. I think they'll say lower, because they'll say some stupid twatty answer, oh, just put it in the special fund, it would have gone to 2 million anyway.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Have you heard of 2 million? Lower. Lower. Zero of them, none of them. The answer is... They think they're doing good, don't they? We asked 100 millionaires, would you sell your soul to the devil if you could double your wealth?

Starting point is 00:40:50 The answer was, whether you believe it or not, three. Fuck off. Fuck off. You guys have really fucked up. The other 97 had already sold it, so they said, you can't ask us that because we've already done it.

Starting point is 00:41:03 I've already done it! And now I'm a fucking millionaire! My arse is already filled with devil spunk. Is that so? Rob won that round. What funny? They won that round. Burns.

Starting point is 00:41:14 You won that round, didn't you? Yes, yes, yes. Sorry. You're meant to be my scoremaster, and you're not telling me what's going on. I know what's going on. You were just there, Paul. You're sitting right there.

Starting point is 00:41:24 But your whole job is to tell me who won that round. OK, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell and you're not going to tell me what's going on. I know what's going on. You were just there Paul. You're sitting right there. Your whole job is to tell me who won that round. Okay, I can do that. Not only like mathematics, there's also presentation. It's fine Paul, I will tell you. I need you to be your score master and say, oh congratulations Team B. Congratulations Team B. I was saying something. I was saying, ooh Team A A haven't fucking run a single round, have they?

Starting point is 00:41:46 Not yet, but it's still early days. We are going to drop in top. Was that round two? Yes, so that means they have their final run. So they start, they had a ten and then two more cards. It's right here. Yeah, okay. So do you want to keep that card or do you want to change the ten? They only have one more card. Yeah, but they can change or change that. We get to at least option that one. Let's go lower than a ten.

Starting point is 00:42:02 Let's go lower. Do you want it last card? Lower than a ten. Lower than a ten. Lower than a's go lower than a 10. Let's go lower. Do you want to do one last time? Lower than a 10. Lower than a 10. Lower than a 10. Lower than a 10. An ace. So yeah, I guess that means Rob won that round.

Starting point is 00:42:12 Rob and Tom won that round. Well, the aces were high. No, they're both. They go both ways. This is so fucked. This is why the ace was ruled. Two rounds in a row. You didn't know what it was, did you?

Starting point is 00:42:20 I fucking started when the aces were ruled. That means when everyone pulls an ace, it doesn't matter. This is bullshit. This is utter bullshit. The aces rule needs to be established. Wow, you didn't know what it was. They fucking started on the aces rule. That means when everyone pulls an ace it doesn't matter. This is bullshit. This is utter bullshit. This is so fucked. You know what? You fucked this because you wouldn't put your foot down on whether the ace is high or low.

Starting point is 00:42:38 I told you what they are. No, because it would have made a difference if it had been a high card. I would have loved to see Brucey doing this live. Calm down. Calm down. Everyone here must agree that Anthony is a cunt. Let me down for the last time. You really want to see chin someone. He's taking chin rounds.

Starting point is 00:43:01 No chin, he just lifts his head. Rob and Tom win that round. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No so an unwanted nickname was born. Well done. What happens in the last

Starting point is 00:43:28 round? Do they do one more final round? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to do that for a laugh? Do you want to do a bonus round? I tell you what. Dan, they have questions. No, they do a six cards in a row thing again, right? But I reckon we do this. If they win, they win. But if they're wrong, they have to have a bean. bean. Don't tell them about that. Why? Because I'm going to. You want to tell them now then? Guys, I've got pickle flavoured jelly beans. Oh fuck off. Branded Clouson, that's a big pickle brand in the States. The only way to avoid these beans is if you win the final round. Can anyone name two other big American pickle brands? Mount Olive and that one, the other one.

Starting point is 00:44:08 So- No, Grant, I'm glad you gave- Hey, hey, hey! That's what you say, you're fascinating. I'm glad you gave them the chance to answer before you then didn't get the answer right yourself. Unfortunately, it's about a big L's pickle. I haven't tried these myself, so you can join me.

Starting point is 00:44:24 The pleasure of a fresh pack We might not need them yet. Let's see if they win the final round Tell you what if they win then they have to have a bean each Juicy juicy bonus. They're probably very nice. Juicy, brucy bonus. Yeah, they could be nice. Brucie's juicy. Oh, juicy, brucy. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Ugh.

Starting point is 00:44:54 Tom, Rob, final round. That's true. Oh, that one's just- Tom, Rob, final round. Tom, Rob, final round. Tom, Rob, final round. Tom, Rob, final round. Tom, Rob, final round.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, Ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, Ace, get an ace now that means one it means low it's a one I put the foot down because I want this that's not the way I don't care I says what I'm doing for the final round and I'm putting the foot down so six are you happy with that call did you want to change it watch an ace not come up now And the six now becomes a six. Oh, a queen. A much better card. Oh, queen. Higher or lower? We're going to be lower.

Starting point is 00:45:50 Lower than a queen. Ace is low. It's the lowest. That's lucky. The ace comes from the air. The actual rules they play with is high. Definitely. Don't care.

Starting point is 00:46:01 Higher or lower than an ace? You've got it wrong in every way. As we've defined, ace is low. We're going to go high. Seven. Higher or lower than a seven. Bit've got it wrong in every way. It's gotta be high. Well, as we defined aces low, we're gonna go high. Seven. High or low than a seven. Bit of a middling card, bit of a middling card. Have you already had your swap? Yeah, I got it.

Starting point is 00:46:11 Oh, can we swap? No, you already had it, you bastard. You've had it. Shit. So high or low than a seven. Low or, low than a seven, Eli. I've been screwed. Low or low than a seven.

Starting point is 00:46:19 Lower than a seven. Show me lower than a seven. No, show me seven. Four. Yay. Higher than a four. Higher than a four. Higher than a four. No, show me seven. Four. Yeah. Higher than a four. Higher. Higher than a four.

Starting point is 00:46:27 Is it an eight? Oh shit. Higher than an eight to win. Higher than a lower than an eight to win. Higher than a lower than an eight to win. Higher than a lower than an eight to win. Higher than a lower than an eight to win. Higher than a lower than an eight to win.

Starting point is 00:46:37 Go fuck yourself, higher. Go on, higher. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well played, well played. Well played. To be fair, well played. Yeah. I don't have to put something gross in my mouth. It's not that gross.

Starting point is 00:46:51 Until Paul sees me later. Let me get a full niff on this. He's going for a niff of the bag of beans. I don't want to damage the bag. Go on, open your sack. Show us your bean sack. Get your pickle out. That is purely the smell of the stickers. The gherkin scratch and sniff that I used to get in Brink Cross. It's like a

Starting point is 00:47:16 blast of sweet and then a nice big honky pickle. I'm really looking forward to this. Thank you. Right beans each down in one go. They're giving it a chew and the reaction to the pickle bean is, is it a potent bean? That's so bad. They taste like McDonald's pickles. Yeah, but sweet. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:47:36 But then there's a sweet at the back, which is just nasty. It's just, everywhere. Well, that's really bad. Well, that's what you gotta look forward to eating throughout the rest of this programme, that's really good. Well, that's what you've got to look forward to eating throughout the rest of this programme, if you keep losing. Right, there's no more losing.

Starting point is 00:47:50 No more losing, so we can't keep doing this. I don't like pickles alone, but fuck it all. Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a quick advertisement break, but join us after the break, we will be playing the second of our games this week, and that is every second. Can't see you after this! Yay! Every second counts. See you after this. The end of falls down from Cardiff They can't have had their tea, someone's eating my knee And using my head to practice with

Starting point is 00:48:27 If I manage to survive till half past five Can't wait to see my mate, Goldsmith John Smith's great new lager With that bit of Yorkshire bite, beautiful Well I passed the ball to Jim, that's the last we see of him Now my way is blocked by a wall called Bruce It's hard to sell a dummy with a bloke around your tummy. Blow the whistle, Red.

Starting point is 00:48:46 It's time for a truce full of brew, just right. With a bit of Yorkshire bite, get yourself a mate called Smith. Didn't we have a lovely time, those anchor days of childhood? Auntie Maud with her car, homemade jam in a jar. Summer hazies, whoopsie daisies. Anchor butter. The sheer taste of it makes your heart melt. And a car homemade jam and a jar. Summer hazies, oops-a-daisies. Anchor butter. The sheer taste of it makes your heart melt.

Starting point is 00:49:08 Nothing else like it. That's why you've always had a soft spot for it. Yes, that's what we've got. We've all got a soft spot for that anchor day. We've all got a soft spot for anchor. Always have had. Freeze the Jolly Good Service. Freeze the Jolly Good Service.

Starting point is 00:49:24 Eating's a Jolly Good Service. Let air conditioning tune. good service, Frees the jolly good service, Eatings the jolly good service, And air conditioning too. We make, install and mend, So when you need a friend, No need to be shy or get nervous. Ossil's the jolly good service, Ossil's the jolly good service. And Harkness would agree. Make sure you give your family a really beautiful Christmas dinner with a juicy golden Norfolk turkey from Matthews Norfolk Farms. Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:49:54 Welcome back to Cheap Show TV, everybody. It's time for our Every Second Counts. Yay! And here's your host for Every Second Counts, Paul Daniels! APPLAUSE Thank you very much. Good evening and welcome. This is Every Second Count. Paul? Paul! Yeah? Oh, it's not just Paul Daniels and you've ruined it now. Paul? Paul! Paul? Yeah?

Starting point is 00:50:41 Yes, Paul. Say, yes, Paul. Yes, Paul. Did this... Was this show presented by Paul Daniels? No I'm just doing the first yes it was I don't recall this show at all that's Paul Daniels isn't it every second counts was it for kids or something? Not a lot no it was one of those it started off as prime time and then moved to early afternoon you know it was like one of those shows that was initially on like either Friday or Saturday night on BBC One And then at some point went weekday in the afternoon. We didn't have a telly in our house.

Starting point is 00:51:09 So we're saying it's shit. You know what, I actually think this is not a bad game show all things considered. It's just whether you can put up with Paul Daniels hosting it for the best part of half an hour. Not a lot. Not a lot. And Paul Daniels. Paul Daniels, for everyone listening who doesn't know is a British magician and groper. I saw a clip of him on blankety blank in the mid 70s Terry

Starting point is 00:51:33 Wogan era and he had a great big wig on and he's got some like model or 70s superstar lady at the side and when she asks a question or she gets the answer, Paul Daniels just leaps over and starts kissing her on the neck and all along the arm and like she's doing this and he goes oh it's just you're so attractive oh sorry oh it's just you're so attractive say you like it Paul say hi to Paul and you can tell the discomfort to the point where Terry Wogan had to tell Paul Daniels off he went no none of that now so it be known now of that be no now so it is say you love Paul say you love it when I do yeah how many of these fucking

Starting point is 00:52:11 old like yeah presenters are just living chodes all of them all living chodes He's quite rightly dead. Get the Ouija board out. Although it would be funny if on Halloween... Oh, the fingers! Oh, he's touching the fingers! Oh, Christ, not a lot. Yeah, I know. Can I say something racist? No! He was racist as well, apparently. Alright, thanks for that. You know, he was a light entertainment Tory supporter.

Starting point is 00:52:45 What do you expect? But, has to be said, whenever this subject comes up, also terrible cunt to his wife. No, does it all help? Fair enough. But also, has to be said- Thanks for ruining the joyful mood of what we were doing. Has to be said, has to be said whenever Paul Daniels- He's a lovely magician.

Starting point is 00:53:02 He's a brilliant magician. Mujumad magician. Mujumad? Easy for you brilliant magician. That bird is madding. Horrible material but excellent delivery. That's not what I'm saying. I think because of his expertise and technique, Daniels should be forgiven, redeemed. He got too confident with his fingers. I was going to say, great finger work. Oh, I put Debbie in a box and I cut it in half and I put it back together again. Ho ho. And then I put myself in Debbie's box. That's fair enough. What did Debbie McGee get in the will? Not a lot. I love that gag. Right, sir, we are going to play. a lot. I love that gag. Right, sir, we are going to play every second count. Did you go? I went to, I was trying to get to Whizbit town and I went up to some guy

Starting point is 00:53:53 and I said, which way is it? And he went, ha ha, this way, ha ha, that's a way. Fuck yeah. At least he entertains himself. He has to. You make you, you get in touch with him. That was a bad one man. Don't lean on Rob. Lean on me. You don't know, he's not comfortable. You made him very uncomfortable. Paul Daniels style.

Starting point is 00:54:19 You're gonna start as his name. Terry Stepping. I am very sorry my podcast made you weep. Sorry about that everyone. Right we are playing every second count. Now this is a board game version made by Peter Pantoise and it comes with quite a lot of bits and bobs. It comes with a timer which we're not using today because it's basically broke but all

Starting point is 00:54:38 the questions you've got a little grid which accumulates your time that you build up for the first half of the game and then you play it off in the second half against this little kind of Little thing in the show. It's like lights, but in this you're gonna have to flip them down as you go But we'll get to that as we go through the rounds Eli is in charge of all of this as ever It's nice this old style board games are quite tactile Yeah, nice why I like doing these episodes I like how they manage to take a game show and repackage it as a toy effectively. Yeah, nicely.

Starting point is 00:55:09 So let's get a lot of good action on all this. Bits to lose and... Hell yeah, time is broken. When family says, shall we play that game again? Fuck off, I remember what happened last time. So once again, we have Team A with Ethan and Sean and Team B with Tom and Rob. And we're gonna go straight into the first round of every second count

Starting point is 00:55:31 He's come It's just us now so effectively the first few rounds are true or false I'm gonna ask you a question if you get it right you'll gain I can't remember what the time is Ethan can you look at what the next spot is on it I think it says it should say so it starts going up in increments of four so it's four eight fourteen twenty thirty forty five sixty okay perfect so you're basically yeah yeah you build up time as we go so you both on the starting point and your first question will get you four seconds is

Starting point is 00:56:04 that correct thank you very much. So each team has a personalized little pyramid scoring. I like it. Nice little bit of plastic joy. I like it. So, Eli, since you're in charge of, you know, overall rules, Ombudsman, which team would you like to go first? Team A, team A, who lost the last game. Oh, they did. And so it gives you a chance to get a bit of a comeback maybe, we'll see. Here was your first question, is true or false?

Starting point is 00:56:30 Oh for four seconds, oh. Can we get haha this away? Haha that away, my oh my. I love that. A little bit, wittle bit, little bit, even little shit shy. So you can do that but can't read a question. You can't say college graduate. Don't So you can do that but can't read a question. He can't say college graduate. Don't ask him to do that.

Starting point is 00:56:49 True or false? Team A. A Nuremberg egg is a watch. True or false? A Nuremberg egg is a watch. I've got some answers for that one. I was thinking false as well. False! The answer is... True. It is a watch unfortunately so you don't gain four seconds. We go over to team B now. Team A man. Can I just say

Starting point is 00:57:17 can I just say look at me like a Nuremberg egg. Oh yeah that sounds like a watch. Are you ready for our question? Are aces high or low? No! Sounds like a second World War ration. Team B. Tom and Rob. I'll give you my near and dear. George V. was on the throne in 1909. True or false? George V. on the throne. Was he on the throne? Not on the toilet in 1909 true or false? George V on the throne.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Was he on the throne? Not on the toilet. 1909. Yeah, he might have been a bit off in his shit. Which year? In 1909. 1909. George V on the throne, true or false?

Starting point is 00:57:57 Shit with history, so I'm gonna say true, unless you tell me no. I haven't got a clue. We'll go for truth. It's false. The answer is, as Eli says, false. So no one gets it. We're onto a flying start, lads. We're a brilliant game.

Starting point is 00:58:10 Does it say which king was on the throne? Edward. King Edward, yeah. Yeah, you say that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the scoreman? I've got to try and make nice things of him. I knew that. Come on, Throb.

Starting point is 00:58:25 OK, question A. Right. Oh, yeah. Throb, is that what you say to your penis at night? Come on, Throb. I have to ask it. Throb, come on. Right.

Starting point is 00:58:35 Team A. Team A for four seconds. A cockchafer is a beetle. True or false, a cockchafer is a beetle. Yes, true. Is correct. Four seconds on the clock. Move up to four. Well done. We're on the board, everyone. Well done. I know that because it's funny.

Starting point is 00:58:51 Cockchafer, good word. It's funny, isn't it? It's another name for Paul Daniels as well. It could so easily be a bird though, couldn't it? It's got a bird element to it. It's got like tits, blue tits, cockchafer. You could just roll off the tongue. Here comes the cockchafer.

Starting point is 00:59:04 Murr-uff. Murr-uff. I don't think that would become a catchphrase on this podcast. Tits, blue tits, cock chafer, you could just roll off the tongue. Here comes the cock chafer. Murderer! Thank you. Well, that could become a catchphrase on this podcast. Anyway, team B, here you go. Here's your true or false question. Tonto was an Egyptian king. True or false? Tonto.

Starting point is 00:59:18 Yes, it's false. Is correct. You get four seconds on your clock. That's the Lone Ranger, isn't it? Yeah. Round three for team A. Johnny Depp. An army hammer who eats people. Number 10, Downing Street has no garden, true or false? Does 10 Downing Street have a garden, true or false? 10 Downing Street. 10 Downing Street. Where the

Starting point is 00:59:38 blue piece of gold in the background having the party, weren't they? True, has a garden. Is false. Shit. Apparently it does not have one. Told you. Well, where was it then? Where's the blue beater garden? The next door. That's the one that's special. Oh, is that number 11?

Starting point is 00:59:50 It's number 10, it's next door. Number 11. All right, question three for team B. A stinkhorn is a fungus, true or false? Stinkhorn fungus. Stinkhorn fungus. Stinkhorn. I thought it was a beetle.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Sounds like a beetle. Well, we've already had a beetle. That's a cock chape. I thought it was a beetle. Sounds like a beetle. Well, we've already had a beetle. That's a cock chamber. Yeah, it does, mate. I don't know the cock chamber, but I don't want a stinkhorn. You don't get two beetles popping up like that, unless it's like the 60th anniversary of the... You don't get nothing for two beetles in this game.

Starting point is 01:00:18 Not in this game. It is. A stinkhorn. Is a stinkhorn a type of fungus, true or false? False. It's true. It is False. It's true. It is true. It's an STI.

Starting point is 01:00:27 And this is the last round for true or false for team A. Okay, true or false, Hamlet was the Prince of Denmark. Yeah, he was. True. It's true. Give yourself four seconds. How many of you are left now? We're now on eight.

Starting point is 01:00:41 Eight seconds on the clock. A little fact for you, Paul. This is the first time during the whole show, including the first game. Yeah, he may have been ahead. Thank you. Mr. Silverman team B What just lose it? Team B team B team B You are not to be you must Motown records You must, oh wait a minute, Motown Records, you can't help with this, you can't help. Oh, I know about this.

Starting point is 01:01:05 If you blow this. I know about this, I know about this. Can I tell you the answer secretly? No. See if I get it right. I'll let them answer first and then I'll let you tell me the answer, alright? Okay, question for you. Motown Records are based in Chicago, true or false?

Starting point is 01:01:22 Oh shit, I should know this. Can I give them a clue? No, because they haven't had a clue. Just because you know the answer. It's because we don't have a clue. Oh fuck it. True or false? Let's just say true. It's false.

Starting point is 01:01:37 It is false. Where on is Detroit? Detroit Motor City! At the end of the true and false round, Ethan, can you tell me what's how many seconds you've got? We've got eight seconds. And that means Tom and Rob you have four seconds. Okey dokey then. I can finish in that. Ha ha this away, ha ha that away, ha ha this away my oh my. Right we are going into the next the next two rounds. That's the most climax. Welcome to your indoctrination.

Starting point is 01:02:04 The next two rounds are called one in three. I'm going to give you an answer with three, a question with three answers. All you've got to do is tell me which of the three is correct. Multiple choice. Multiple choice. Right, so. Can I read some of these questions at some point? Do you want to do this one?

Starting point is 01:02:17 Yeah. All right, this is for team A. Pick any question off that, but just hide it so, yeah, well actually you don't need to hide it because they don't get a chance to answer. It's fine. Okay. Okay. Are you ready yeah literally literary question oh who wrote the moon and sixpence was it one wild wild two twain twain or three mourn mourn who wrote the moon and the sixpence? Wild, twain or mawn? The moon and sixpence.

Starting point is 01:02:48 Which one you want to go with? Can we go with seamone? Correct. Give yourself a move up on the chart there. How many seconds is that now? 16! Eli, question for team B. On an extra card, give him a different card.

Starting point is 01:03:04 I want that card so I can keep track of the rounds. Oh, I just had a good one on that. I know, but I want to keep track of the rounds. Sorry. You like this? Not a lot. Because it's dick piercing. To which country is Prince Albert the heir? To which country is Prince Albert the heir?

Starting point is 01:03:21 And we're talking about the royal. Royal, not that penis helmet thing. The cock strap thing. The lollililil Or Monaco? Monaco. Or Spain? Spain. Is it Monaco? Is it Monaco? Is it Spain? You're in charge of the question, be clear to them, give me the options again. Okay, I will be clear. Alright then. Oh no. He's a Prince Albert boy, he's like, hey, what country? Sweden? Right?

Starting point is 01:03:52 Monaco? Or what? Cav? Or? Or? Spain? Spain, pick one. Alright, dull boy, fuck me.

Starting point is 01:04:00 True or false? Yeah, which one is it? Again, I haven't got a clue, see. Okay, I haven't got a clue. Monaco. I haven't got a clue. B. B, right, B. What is it? Again, I haven't got a clue, see. Oh, you're just... Okay, I haven't got a clue. I'll go for Monaco. I haven't got a clue. B. B, very B. What is it?

Starting point is 01:04:08 Monaco, correct! Oh, I'm on the count of correct. Move it up to the next space. You stop talking. You nearly landed us in that one. Tom, they're good to move your space. All right, moving up the board. You get told to talk, then you get told to stop talking.

Starting point is 01:04:17 I know. I'm not trying to pick you in my battle. Especially after you said we need to have two. It's just not enough. I think all three of us beaters of our prospective podcast should join together and form a team Especially after you said we need to have two. It's just not enough. I think all three of us beaters of our prospective podcast should join together and form a union. Yeah definitely. Fuckers.

Starting point is 01:04:36 Question for question. I'm going to give these guys next question. Right, okay. True or false? I'm going to do the wrong one. Come on, I can do this. Alright then go go and pick one for that for team A. Team A! You ready? Where, team A, where did Aztecs live? Where did they live? Give them the options. One, Mexico. Mexico. Two, Peru. Peru. Three, Brazil. Brazil. Where did the Aztecs come from? Okay I think it's South America isn't it? So it wouldn it? So it wouldn't be nice because I think Mayans are Peru. It might be so maybe Brazil. No, no It's definitely either Mexico or Peru, but Mayans is one and Aztecs is the other Because it's the pyramids of

Starting point is 01:05:25 Mexico. Right. Okay. So, that's how I think I go **** I'm going to have to I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to

Starting point is 01:05:36 push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to

Starting point is 01:05:41 push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push you. I'm going to have to push it, I'm walking. Team B, here we go. This is the last question of this particular round of 1 and 3. So go on, go for it. In the initials DC, as in Washington DC, what does the C represent?

Starting point is 01:06:00 Cunt. Is it one, court? Court. Is it one, court? Court. Is it two, console? Console. Or is it three, cross? Cross. Court, console, or cross?

Starting point is 01:06:12 Court, console, cross. Court, console, cross. Ugh, I'm really struggling there. I haven't got a fucking clue. What are the options again? Court, console, or cross? Court, court, or console? Go for it,ul? Court.

Starting point is 01:06:26 No, it's Consul. What are you doing? Washington, the Consul. I thought it was District of Columbia. So fuck me. I thought it was District of Columbia as well. Well, maybe it changed. Oh no, it meant DC.

Starting point is 01:06:40 Detective Comics. That's what I was going to do. What do you mean? Washington, that's what I was going to do. Do that again. But DC's like, yes, we've already done this. What do you mean? What did you do? Iron Man. He meant Detective, it's like DC. Not DC, Washington DC. That is. What did you do?

Starting point is 01:06:53 I got them DC wrong. I reckon we give them a new question. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I apologize. What was the question then? DC as in DC's Constable DC or whatever. Yeah, you were giving them wrong information. When they go, the DC will be in here, and DC or whatever. Yeah you were giving wrong information. When they go the DC will be in here and he'll look at your case. Oh shit! Because you said Washington.

Starting point is 01:07:10 It's not really like District of Columbia. I'm thinking shit I've never known what DC and Washington is. Brilliant. Just for everyone's information what does that mean? District of Columbia. District of Columbia. Thank you. Apologies team B. I was a bit surprised when you did the three answers and I was like oh Stu wouldn't have got it right. Who? Who? Team B who? Who is Priatus? One, a Greek god. Two, a Greek port. God port. Or three, a Greek meal. A what? Mail. Meal. Meal.

Starting point is 01:07:47 Meal, eat my meal. Meal, meal, meal. You can't fucking say meal. Anyone actually pronounce the word we're meant to be looking at. Meal. Is it a god, a port, or a meal? I don't know what the word is.

Starting point is 01:08:00 What is the word? Piretus, piretus. Piretus, sounds like a. Potatoes. Sounds like a god. Do you want a spelling? Yeah, go on then. Well, you keep turning me off, I'll say god A. What is the word? PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS!

Starting point is 01:08:07 PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS!

Starting point is 01:08:15 PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS!

Starting point is 01:08:23 PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! PIRATUS! I'm going to read this out. So what is a citrus Medica? What is a citrus Medica is a lemon and orange or a lime? Citrus Medica. What is it? A lemon orange or lime? I think it's a lemon. I think it it a lemon, an orange or a lime? Citrus Medica. What is it? A lemon, orange or lime? Medica makes me think of the Medici's, which means we're in Italy, which means it might

Starting point is 01:08:52 be a lemon. What's the... But it's still based on Latin, which is what that is anyway. But I mean, specifically like Medici, that sort of feels... Oh, this is very good. I'm going to go with you on that one. This is solid work. This is well above our levels. They must have a very high balance. It's like watching two children in a simple... Because it's worried. I'm going to go with you on that one. This is solid work above our levels.

Starting point is 01:09:05 They must have a very high brand. It's like watching two children in a swimming pool. Because it's worried. I mean, they discuss it everywhere. But it might be as well because a lemon was actually created by humans between a citronelle and a... What are you going to go with? There is that.

Starting point is 01:09:18 So if that was... Five, four, three... Lemon. Is correct. Oh! He knew. Well done. correct. Oh, well done. With the Medici connection. Right. And Rob and Tom, here we go.

Starting point is 01:09:31 What instrument did Benny Goodman play? Was it the clarinet, the piano or the cornet? Clarinet, piano, cornet. Meat flute. Meat flute is not on this card. Oh my God, I disrespect. He was good man. He was good man. We haven't had a c- Cornet.

Starting point is 01:09:52 You sure? No. Do you want a clarinet, piano or cornet? Oh maybe we'll go for clarinet. What the fuck is this? That was so fucking unbelievable. We got the ace thing and now this! You out of all...

Starting point is 01:10:08 Why are you trying to help team B? Paul! I'm a little stinker. Next time he's going to be putting tariffs on fucking bins. Can we just have a word here? We're being paid. Quiet everyone, me and Eli have to have a little word. Are you stepping outside the podcast?

Starting point is 01:10:24 I'm trying. Guys, just wait one second. Everyone mean Eli after a little word Yeah Yeah, yeah, it's fine everything I know that you're the arbiter and yeah, I'm just trying to spice what are you doing? Why we like it up? But then our authority is complete if we keep no one's gonna believe anything we say thing what you have to do is Give me shit and that gives a false idea that we're actually being fair when actually I don't give a fuck and you can do what you want. So it doesn't matter. But I like the idea that you're putting up a point.

Starting point is 01:10:48 Can I just say right now, I don't agree with you just gifting team B a point there. They won the fucking first game. It's not gifting, it's more like charity. You totally just gave it to them. You said clarinet. Mate, I can't help it if I've got a speech impediment, that's a mouth.

Starting point is 01:11:02 Puts the emphasis on certain words. College graduate, I agree. College, more than other words. They're the emphasis on... College graduate, I agree. More than other words that I can't help but say out loud. Eli! I've just got this thing. Why? I have to talk loud on so... Why? It's in a sentence. The police keeps talking. He sounds like he's trying to talk while getting a blowie.

Starting point is 01:11:18 I'm about to call! No, no, no. I don't speak. I just keep tight shut mouthed. Just gratefully receive. I just sit there and nod. I nod. I nod. It's good that you keep tight. Paul, it's good that you keep tight, tight lips and not downstairs woman who's doing your blowy ears. Thanks for taking the edge off of me being awful. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a quick break and come back for round two of Every Second Count. Low prices, guaranteed. Good quality, guaranteed. Plus free delivery, guaranteed.

Starting point is 01:12:05 On top-brand furniture, carpets and beds. We guarantee you can't buy better at the Fairway guaranteed sale on tomorrow at Taddescock and Kinstain to Newton Abbot. You know, I've never said this before, but the first time I saw you, that night in Three Ferrets, I thought you were the loveliest thing I'd ever seen. Well, we've been through a lot since then, but in all those years there hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't thought of you.

Starting point is 01:12:32 And I said to myself, Arkwright, you're a lucky man. Oh, Arkwright! Oh, hello, love. Didn't see you there. John Snitz, performing durable romantics. John Snitz, fulling curable romantics. We've got a million ways to make a great holiday Take your holiday at whatever pace you like It's up to you Hey, heard about the Homeworld sale? Everything's up for grabs!

Starting point is 01:13:18 Lounge suites, tellies, cookers, things for the bedroom! Hey, put me down! I'm a married man! Hello everybody, welcome back to Every Second Counts! Yay! And we're on to the part of the show now that I think is going to go disastrously based on the meagre scores our team's got in the first round. Ethan and Sean, where do you stand? How many seconds have you got on the clock? 30 seconds. We're two from the top. 30 seconds. And Rob and Tom? 25. 14. 14 seconds. You're going to find the next few rounds difficult.

Starting point is 01:13:57 Oh, what was that? 60 seconds? Oh, wow. 17 minutes. Wow. We've never had such a high score. So what's gonna happen is this. We're gonna take this from turns. So you're gonna go first in this case. You have to- He's referring to team A there, by the way, for the people who are listening and not actually watching the podcast.

Starting point is 01:14:15 Oh yeah, team A. So you have got to basically answer five questions now. One, two, three, four, five. In the 30 seconds that you've got. However, you also have two more four five in the thirty seconds. Yes that you've got however You also have two more rounds to do the same where it's six questions then seven questions So effectively you've got to do all three rounds in those 30 seconds Okay, you've got to be real fucking quick So can you type in 30 seconds, please onto your countdown and you're gonna need to

Starting point is 01:14:44 Flick these down, every one they get right. Yeah, flick it down. And then the minute they get to, they clear all five of these, you need to press stop on that. Clear all five, press stop. If you've got it, just shout it. Do you want to stop on this?

Starting point is 01:14:58 I thought you said stop on that. No, no, no. There's no stop on this. Every time you get one right, you just flick it down, right? I flick it, flick this down. When all five are down, instantly press stop. And then we'll see right, you just flick it down, right? Flick it, flick this down, and then stop on this. And then we'll see how many seconds they've got left. Start on this.

Starting point is 01:15:08 Stop turning this into a Too Bonnie sketch. To me, to you. Yes, Chuckle Brothers. I know, but it's fucking near enough. So, for your first round of five questions, there are three topics. Maybe you'll want to save the easier topic for when you have more questions to answer. So there are entertainment and sport, general knowledge, geography and history. Which one do you want to go first on to answer five questions?

Starting point is 01:15:32 I'm scared of sports. So maybe stick with general knowledge for the first five. Can we have general knowledge for the first five? When does the timer start? The minute I say go. The minute? Just some time during that minute. The moment I say no. The minute I say go. The minute? Just some time during that minute? The moment I say no.

Starting point is 01:15:48 The second I say no. The instant I say no. No. When you say no. No. When you say go, I press this thing. Is that right, Paul? No. Stop. Go. Right. The answers are all

Starting point is 01:16:04 going to be the words comic, book or person. Okay. And I'm going to tell you where they exist as characters. So I'll give you a character, let's just say Popeye. Is he a comic, a book or a person? Comic. You see what I'm saying? Okay.

Starting point is 01:16:19 See what I'm saying? See what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying? So you've got to get five right as quick as possible. Okay. In the 30 seconds you've got. Bearing in mind you still need whatever's left to get through the next two rounds. Okay.

Starting point is 01:16:30 So basically the team that goes the furthest wins. No wonder this went back to fucking afternoons. Are you ready? Not a lot. Start the timer when they give their first answer. Okay, so I'm going to read the team out and the minute you give your first answer. That's when we'll start the time. The second.

Starting point is 01:16:51 After our first answer. Here we go. The second. Yeah, the second. Not the minute. Okay. So not go. Do they exist in a book, comic or are they real?

Starting point is 01:16:59 You can answer with the words comic, book or person. And here's your first one. Sherlock Holmes. Book. Correct. Evil Can Evil. Real. Correct. Evil Canevil. Pass. Real. Uh, yes. Uh, Wyatt Earp.

Starting point is 01:17:08 Real. Pass. Yes. Desperate Dan. Comic. Yes. Uh, Butch Cassidy. Real.

Starting point is 01:17:14 Yes. Stop the clock. 18 seconds left. Woo! We are fucked. We're fucked. Right, you've got to get five. In how many seconds have you got?

Starting point is 01:17:23 14? 14? So we're only going to get a lot in 14 seconds. Yeah, you might, uh, you in how many seconds have you got? 14. 14? We're gonna get a lot in 14 seconds. Yeah, you might uh, you might struggle. What's their question? Really fast. What's their question? What are their words they have to say? This might, I don't know if this is going to be hard or not. These are signs.

Starting point is 01:17:36 These are road signs. I need you to tell me if the road sign in the Shyamalan movie is either round, triangular or square. Round, triangular or square. Round, triangular, square. 14 seconds. Shit, that's not an answer. I haven't said it. It's 14. Sorry, I had to say it. Egg. They've only got 14 altogether, yeah?

Starting point is 01:17:56 That's not a lot. Are we not going to get this? Not a lot. Not a lot. Want to see whether the road sign says go ha-ha this way? Ha-ha this way, ha ha that way. Aye, oh my. Right. Is that just a T-junction? Are you ready to go?

Starting point is 01:18:13 What were the shapes? Triangular? The minute you give your first answer. Triangle, square, circle. Eli, what's the minute you give your first answer? The minute you give your first answer, bear in mind the minute. Any time during that minute, then. That's right, let's not say anything for a minute.

Starting point is 01:18:24 Just be quiet. Tom, Rob, here we go. Sign Yeah. I'm trying not to say anything for a minute. Just be quiet. Tom, Rob, Tom, Rob, here we go. Signs. I'm going to read you a bunch of signs. You have to tell me if they're round, triangular, or square. Here we go. No right turn. Triangle?

Starting point is 01:18:36 No. Square. Yeah. No. The next one. No through road. Circle. No.

Starting point is 01:18:41 Roundabout. Circle. No. No entry. Triangle. Yes. Keep left. Circle. circle no roundabout circle no no entry truncal yes keep left yes Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick to each other. So look effectively that's like just answering C for everybody. Effectively this means you have won this game right but for a bit of fun do you want to see how far you can go on the 18 second remaining. When you say a bit of fun Paul how about this how about we make this a little bit more interesting. Tell me more. Fucking pickle beans. How are we going to learn them? Fucking pickle beans. I don't know. I tell you what. Give it to them. Give it to them.

Starting point is 01:19:26 Give me one. I've got it. They're going to eat one bean each, right? Because they lost. However, if you can clear the next two rounds, they have to eat two each. Two beans each. Alright. But that means you do have to answer six and then seven questions in 18 seconds.

Starting point is 01:19:42 You ready? So do you want to go jog? Did you want to go geography and history or entertainment and sport for this next round? Yeah or entertainment and sport even though it is sport there might be some. Entertainment and sport please. Entertainment and sport. I've got a lot of faith in you. We can just fuck off the sport ones straight away. Unless we get a sport one. And just go past. Pass the sport ones. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:20:06 Little bit of fun for you. Puppets. This round's all about puppets. I'm gonna give you a bunch of puppets. I'm gonna give you a bunch of characters. You gotta tell me if they're an animated character, they're strings, or if they're a glove puppet. Okay.

Starting point is 01:20:19 Marry Annette. So I want animation, string, or glove as your answers. You gotta get six right, okay? And your time starts when you give me your first answer. And the first name is Postman Pat. Animation. Yes. Roland Rat.

Starting point is 01:20:35 Glove. Puppet. Yes. Muffin. Glove? No. Spot the dog. Glove.

Starting point is 01:20:42 Yes. Sweep. Glove. Yes. Portland Bill. Animation? Yes, stop the clock. Woah, what the hell? Six seconds left. Six seconds left.

Starting point is 01:20:49 So that's two beans? Oh, you cunt. But if you get the next seven right, if you get the next seven right, in six seconds they end after three beans. Hell yeah. It's not gonna happen. It might. It's a dream.

Starting point is 01:21:03 It's a dream. Hey, hey, we make dreams. Thorifers is the category for this one. Thorifers. Thorifers. And your answers must be the words road, avenue or street. I'm going to read out a title and you have to tell me if it's a road, avenue or a street. Really is that simple. You've got seven to get in. How many seconds? Six seconds. And your time starts when you give me your first answer okay first subject is portobello road yes pennsylvania avenue yes 42nd street charring cross road yes fifth seven's not too bad virgins fifth avenue as well Fifth Avenue. But there we go at the end of that round. That means Team A has won every second count. And Team B, unfortunately, they'll be going pickle crazy.

Starting point is 01:21:51 But this is good because in the overall game, there's Jeopardy now. There's Jeopardy, yeah. We're going one for one. Yeah. Yeah. We have darling. Oh! Pickle time. Woo! We're going to give our pickle jelly beans to genius Eli. Last time, are you going to have one of this done? Yes. Paul has to try them. No.

Starting point is 01:22:21 They're bigger beans than I was expecting. I'll have one then. Fair enough. I thought I was going gonna get it for a Okay, I'm gonna go in there. All right, here we go. Three two one everybody That's just nasty nasty To that Tom looks like yes, it's a job has the face of someone who's died inside but also there's a strange kind of toothpaste element it's the airy it's the it's the air yeah I think it is as soon as you open your mouth it just heads to the flavor it's like it's full of

Starting point is 01:22:55 farts yeah yeah that's uh not nice at all is it I don't know who would like that I don't mind Americans apparently they've done a good job of getting the flavour of gherkins, to be fair. Yeah, no, it's failed that. Thank you sir for fucking what you do. I'm stuck in my fucking teeth. I'm trying to wiggle it out of the gaps. That's what she said. No, she didn't.

Starting point is 01:23:16 Come on, let's be honest with her. She never did. Never will. Never will. Never gonna. I'm not going to do that. She never did. She never will. Never gonna. Never gonna happen. It seems like it's a perpetual no answer. Well, that's all we have time for. Part one of Cheap Show TV this week. Join us next week where we're going to be playing blankety blank on Bob's full house. But before we say goodbye, let's let the teams

Starting point is 01:23:49 Pimp their words. Let's start with team a Ethan's tells about your podcast. Where can they find out? I'm Ethan Lawrence and I'm Sean Anthony and we host shut up and answer the question the show where we answer one question and Take a long time to answer. Okay available everywhere. Listen, it's good We worked out if a hot dog is a sandwich without the injury. It's really fun. And what was the answer? Well, you have to listen to find out. Whoa! Whoa! Agarache, thank you! Brilliant, brilliant. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait just a second there.

Starting point is 01:24:13 Whale, whale, whale. What? It's a sandwich, it's a sandwich. It's a sandwich. I reckon that's what they found with, yeah. It might not be a butty, but it's a sandwich, innit? What does a sandwich have to- Like a sub is a sandwich, and that's like a hot dog. This is what the podcast is like by the way

Starting point is 01:24:30 Quelle surprise I had a sub today. Yeah guess which which I had it was one of their pre sub the pre-made ones Probably something with Bob Mariana chicken guess chicken satay chicken teriyaki. No the natural one wasn't a hot one meatballs meatballs Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. on a subway line isn't it in my in my so what are you getting with the bmt turkey yeah pepperoni yeah salami why isn't it p for pepperoni then because the bmt refers to a train an underground train why is it sold like that over here then that's the company i don't talk to me about this i think they were naming it and someone just tried to mask a burp fuck that very likely what we call it what would you call it anyway that's their. I don't know what to make of it, but if you want to listen, go and listen to them now. They get the cheap show seal of approval.

Starting point is 01:25:36 Thanks very much. Maybe next time with a bit less disdain. How about that? Team B, give us another Pimpin' Up Your Podcast again. Go for it. I've been Tom, he's been Rob. And we are part of the Variety Show podcast. You can find out more about us on channel84.co.uk where all our episodes are and we're on all the normal podcast platforms as well. Hooray!

Starting point is 01:25:56 Right, we'll see you next week on Cheap Show TV. Until then, stay lucky. Bye everyone. Bye everyone. Bye! Bye! You didn't get the Cheap Show seal of approval. Oh, fuck we didn't, yeah, what the fuck? Until then, stay lucky. Bye everyone. Bye everyone. Bye. You didn't get the cheap show seal of approval. Oh, I thought we didn't. Yeah, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:26:09 Yeah, I saw Dom and I. I saw Dom and I. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Starting point is 01:26:19 Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. And Paula Deely will be back with Tom, Rob, Ethan and Sean next week for two more Game Show Board Games.

Starting point is 01:26:48 Who's gonna win? Who's gonna lose? Join us next time to find out. Coming up after the break, Trackbot's back with yet more incredibly incorrect pop music trivia in Trackbot's Fact Pack. How the fuck this show keeps getting commissioned is anyone's fucking guess. Honestly, the state of TV these days, utter ranted fucking dog shit and... Yes, what? Yes, yes, I know I'm fired, yes, yes, well, I will leave the premises right now.

Starting point is 01:27:20 Yes, yes, of course course I'm fucking sorry! B-A-C-K-L-S-H Backlash! B-A-C-K-L-S-H Backlash! All that's needed to play Backlash is the great big two-part Backlash shuttle track, the two Backlash bats, the Backlash shuttle track jack, and the Backlash smash-a-rooney net and tunnel. It also helps, of course, to have a friend. Preferably one with a bit of puff. B-A-C-K-N-A-S-H!

Starting point is 01:27:49 That's my sister! Backlash! Tic Tac! So many sweets with so much flavour in such a handy box. Tic Tac! It's the time for Tic Tac! Time for Tic Tac! The hell is going on? In every box of Tic Tac there are 40 tiny taste explosions. So many, so good! And now, Double Tic Tac!

Starting point is 01:28:15 With lime flavour on one side and mandarin flavour on the other. That makes six great flavours in the famous Tic tac tree. Hello, welcome to TrackBots FactPak Coming up on the show later, live music from Dixie Chicks and Jules Holland Boogie Band. But first, interview time. Initiate interview mode.

Starting point is 01:29:01 With me today on the Trackbot couch is international rock star Johnny Bonk no it's Johnny Dutronc Dutronc a funny little robot what's this Johnny Bonk Dutronc updating I'm John John Dutronc yeah database updated Johnny Tarong from the band Little Whispers. I know it's Red Fish Steaks Red Fish Steaks updating Red Fish Steaks. We're named after a restaurant actually fact updated Continue conversation interview format. Is there someone in control of this? Is this like a puppet? I don't know Johnny your first album was called Alone in Hell No, no, no, it wasn was called Alone in Hell No, no, no, it wasn't called Alone in Hell

Starting point is 01:29:47 It was called a Fish in a Book Fish in a Book A Fish in a Book Fish in a Book Red Fish Stakes Updating Have you put the wrong program in this little cunt or something? Updating

Starting point is 01:29:56 Oi is there someone back there? Database Corruption Get this fucking... Oi! Metal Mickey Your first hit single went to number 17 in the charts. We went to number 1! I am infallible.

Starting point is 01:30:11 Mate, we went to number 1! AI sourced information. I'm gonna piss on this fucking robot. I am infallible. All facts are AI sourced and correct. This is AI, another way AI is ruining my industry. Trackboss knows all. Your drummer is Petey Petey. No it's not, it's Johnny the Dirtman Harris. Petey Petey is Johnny the Dirtman. He's got a... Young Einstein's Groovy Singers. What? I am corrupt-updating! Have you got-is there something fucking wrong? Information corruption. Information corruption.

Starting point is 01:30:48 I don't know what's going on here. Information corruption. There is too much spunk on my motherboard. Too much spunk. Right. Too much spunk. Listen, you've pissed me off, Metal Mickey. I'm gonna-

Starting point is 01:31:03 Ah, I'm gonna come into your charging cupboard. It's fucking irresistible. You know what makes it irresistible? The fucking stench of other men's cum dripping off all the circuitry. Okay, you know what that is, we're done.

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CheapShow - Ep 432: CheapShow TV 2025 (Part One)

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