CheapShow - Ep 434: Cemetery Men (Mono Edition)

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

MONO EDITION When the sun is shining this brightly in the London sky, Paul and Eli refuse to stay cooped up inside CheapShow HQ… So, they are out and about (yes again!) to go on an aimless wander through another corner of London. This time they’ve decided, for no good reason, to explore Nunhead Cemetery, one of London’s “Magnificent 7” cemeteries. It’s a gothic, spooky, heavily wooded area packed with tombs, crypts, gravestones and unusually named deceased folk. As they stroll about, they’ll aim to be respectful but at some point, Eli will want to get the booze out and Paul will want to get the hell out of the place… And once they reach Peckham Rye Common, things will get a little bit more unhinged. In possibly one of CheapShow’s more directionless walkabout episodes, join the Cheap Chaps on one of the warmest and sunniest days of the year… in a ruddy graveyard! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-434-cemetery-men And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Er, what? You start with a change. I always bloody start episodes. It's boring. I know you always bloody start, but watch. I'll try and start, wait, and the interruption's about to come. It's about to come, Paul, and that's why you've, I'm like damaged. So what, you're interrupting me? Here we go, here we go! So what, you're interrupting me or I'm interrupting you? You're interrupting me. I'm like a damaged child.

Oh. I'm a vulnerable child after this. Boo hoo, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show. Boo hoo. Shut up, no. No, start again. Start again. Stop chasing the mic off. I need mic access.

Hello everyone. Eli Silverman, are you ready for another Walkabout episode of Cheap Show with my co-host and founder and episode of Cheap Show with my co-host and founder and creator of Cheap Show. It's Paul Gannon everybody. Hello I just want to say a big thank you to Eli for inviting me along today for this episode. I've been a big fan of the podcast for years. I've always wanted to be a part of it. You know I've worked behind the scenes as a kind of silent partner if you will but thank you after all these years to come forward and just become a part of Cheap Show lore. It's such a gift. Such a gift. He doth demur. Now, Paul, where are we off to today? I'll tell you. We are going to one

of the Big Seven cemeteries. We've been to Highgate before before have we been to Highgate on the pod have we been to any of them Kensil Rise we went to go to that and then we were late because we got drunk oh yes well we won't be getting drunk till after we've been to the cemetery today it's one of the big seven it's called Nunhead I can think of two places my favorite kind of blowjob that I was gonna say I let me just do a more complete version of that okay I can think of two places... That's my favourite kind of blowjob, that. I was going to say... Let me just do a more complete version of that, OK? I can think of two places in Britain with nun like that. Nunhead and Nun Eaton.

Which, if you think about it, could both be descriptions of Italian nun porn, basically, couldn't they? Ooh, I had nun eatin' my cock! LAUGHTER Yeah. She was giving me some nun heads, so you can see... Yeah, I got some nun head last night. Yeah, she was nun eatin' my cock. She was giving me some nun head. Yeah I got some nun head last night. Yeah she was nun eating my cock. Got into a bad habit with that. Now I have to do this joke mate, I have to do this joke. My friend Adam Hampton who also did the beats for the teen yeti music wrote this ok. So no one steal it steal it but you know I'm just

gonna you can't interrupt over fucking hell mate let me just stay give me a sec give me a sec I was in the police station the other day the police just would not believe that I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. But I said that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Nice, that's very good. Thank you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Yeah, it's alright. It's a bit Ken Dodd that one to be fair, innit? It's a little bit, but it's almost there. The set up is a little bit convoluted.

But to do that sort of double pun, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Autobiography written on flypaper. Do you see me? That's good. Anyway, hello everyone. I'm in a decent mood even though I'm ravished by the boos I've done over the weekend. Paul's had a heavy weekend. We're going to go to Nunhead and look at the dead. Woohoo! So, that's what we're doing this week. I've got a drink for me. You've got one bottle of drink for you. Well, I can pick some more up, can't I, when we're out?

No, it's fine. I'm just saying, you've got a drink. I've got ice. Look, it's a lovely day. I'll run away. Don, it's a lovely day. I've got ice. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll run away. Don't run away from me. Come back. One last thing I do have.

Stop it, you're too close. One last thing I do have is the picnic mat. All right, well thanks for that. Anyway, so yeah, it's a lovely day today. So I don't want to be in the studio. So there's no plan. We're just out and about. Studio?

Just the studio line, yeah. It is our studio. Alright, it's either of our bedroom at any one time, but it's still a studio. Hey, look, the point is, we're going out and about today, we thought it would be lovely, why don't you come along with us, see what we get up to. We don't know, it's a mystery to us as well. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens! Let's see what we get up to. We don't know, it's a mystery to us as well. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens.

Oh when's the train? Probably in about 10 minutes now. All right okay cool we better get ready. What's the destination on the train? Seven Oaks. So we're going to Nunhead on the overland from, oh yeah we're at Blackfriars, we haven't mentioned that. That noise you can hear is all the traffic around Blackfriars, we're actually under the bridge. Blackfriars is a station that they rebuilt recently to be on the bridge itself. The bridge is the station and the station is the bridge. And you mentioned that when we were at Brighton and we talked about it that time. Okay, well I sometimes am recursive, I sometimes repeat myself. Sometimes that's the best way to get information through to people, you know that Paul? To keep going on and on and on and on and on and emphasizing.

I am actually walking away now. Right, we're off, we'll see you a little bit later on but until then let's get this party started. Good intro, very good intro. Not bad at all, well done. Yeah. Hello everybody, it's Tube Show time. Very good intro. Not bad at all. Very good. Well done. Yeah. I won't let you guess cos I'll tell you it's Organa! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime!

Chief Showtime! Ooh ooh! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Ooh ooh! Hey everybody, it's Chief Showtime! It's the time of the week, we're at your damn mice.

Oh yeah! My name is Organa, that's Silverman. Eli J, what you say? Come on and come ride it. Yeah, be using me good, just me, I don't talk. Oh, pop, pop, pop. Use it, your good, just me, I don't talk. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Chief Showtime, Chief Showtime, Chief Showtime. Is that alright? It was okay. Right that's it, we've jumped on the train, we're off the train. Yeah, I know, that's why you have to mind it, that's why they say.

Could have lost you now there. Honestly, I felt like I was going to get swallowed up by the gap there. Anyway, we're in Nuneaton, we've just got off the train. A lovely little journey, no notes. I've got fear of gaps. Fear of gaps between people's legs. You don't have to get that close to the microphone. I have to get this close to the mic. That's the thing you don't need to do.

Well, I never know because you're in control. You taunt me, gaslight me and taunt me. Boo hoo, Christ it's the Delight Pity Hour isn't it today? Right what are we doing? This is Nunhead Paul. Established. We walk from here to the cemetery, do you want to do that? Or we could go, do you want to get some chairs?

What's the plan today? There's no gimmick, I need a gimmick to hang my gags around. The gimmick is this, you've got to keep Paul really on your side today, right? You've got to not fuck with me. That's the gimmick of this new episode. I won't talk, how about I don't- To curry my favour. I want to say something about curry.

Yeah. I've got a couple of you on your nose, is that okay? No, it's a little cook. Oh, you cut your nose? No. As you do? As No, it's a little cut. Oh, you cut your nose, as you do? As you do? My cat scratched me. We were gayfully playing and he likes to reach out

with his paw and like touch my face. And in this instance, his little claw clipped the tip. He's a sweetheart really. I still can't believe he's literally 18 this year. He's an old boy. Oh, hang on, I've got to do a tap out. This is part of London I'm very unfamiliar with. I don't think I've ever been to Nunhead. Why would I need to go?

Apparently, another thing I didn't mention in the intro, Paul, is that there is great views from the cemetery, and apparently you can see Highgate Cemetery from Nunhead Cemetery all the way up north on the other side of town. Say what? Let's get there, and then I'll go to Highgate. And then wave at you. Yeah, all flash of a mirror, yeah. No, but I'd love to be able to see if I can see Highgate.

There's our gimmick. We've got to see if we can see Highgate from the graves. Something like that. Right, bus stop, bus stop. Oh, explore... Oh there's a sign here. Nunhead Cemetery. Where can I stroll through beautiful dense woodland? There's another cemetery, Camberwell New Cemetery. Brinchley Gardens, Camberwell... Cemetery, give stuff a load and then... Thank you. Cheers, sir.

Er... Are we interesting? Yeah. Thanks. Sidnam. There's a nature reserve, that's where we were before. Eagle-eared viewers. Eagle-eared will do. Sydenham There's a nature reserve that's where we were before and it Eagle-eared viewers

Eagle-eared will do. It's fine. We'll remember we did a little river walk That's roughly this part down there. Do you remember the river walk where they that where we ended up in the background? Is it the safari episode? That's right. Yeah, okay, because that's down here. I Like this map by the way, it's a lovely like an It's like an enamel pin budge almost. It's the green chain which is one of these cross London routes. It's not the circle thing. It's not the circle thing but it's similar. What's the ring? Is that the London ring is the circle thing? Yeah. This is the green chain. Never break the chain. Oh it's a chain of parks isn't it? So that's where we are and then Nunhead Cemetery is what? All this but here here? Yeah we're just next to it basically. Where can I see woodpeckers hawks and more than 50 other types of birds Eli?

That's the question I'm asking. I'll answer you here but I'll use my crib sheet from this notice Paul and I'll answer you saying you can see woodpeckers hawks and more than 50 other types of bird feeding in one of London's best kept secrets, question mark. What? Feeding in one of London's best kept secrets, question mark. And where might I see the memories of the famous and forgotten? You know what? I'm tiring of the tone of this fucking notice.

It does sound passive aggressive, doesn't it? Where might I see? Where can I stroll through the beautiful dense woodland and enjoy a wonderfully romantic gothic atmosphere as well? It doesn't, it's not answering me. Or simply sit and admire the view of St Paul's Cathedral. For the answers to these questions and much more, pick up one of our booklets at your

local library. Oh, we're not doing that. So Green Chain Open Spaces is the stuff with green on. Look, but it goes, it's, you can see it is a lovely map with it's embossed or whatever. Like I said like an enamel pin badge didn't I? It's yeah these like the hard edges it's really lovely. So what's our route then? But down here is another mini map of the whole of the green chain look you can go from Nunhead here. This is brilliant they say I'm gonna get a photo of this. Yeah please don't. Chislehurst, Ereth. See, Aerith is where I wanted to start the night busing.

That's when our next night busing is gonna start. Is that actually where it is? Yep. Because Aerith is the furthest out of London you can get a night bus from. And that's what we're doing, the N89. Might do that next week. Okay. All right, take a picture of this then and get it in shot.

And I guess we just head towards there. Should we try and find some shops and get a few provisions? Okay, well let's look at some local shops and get some provisions. Yes, I want to get some booze, don't I? Yeah, booze. Oh, there's the gimmick. Booze! Alright, okay cool, well Eli's going to take a picture.

I'm going to pop my head around the corner, see what shops are available to us, and then we'll come back to you probably once we reach the cemetery, which doesn't seem that far away. Lovely picture taken there from the young little expert with the photographer. Yes, good work. Good work. I like that little black and white picture as well based on an old engraving of an uneaten station by Rachel Reckett.

He died in 1995. Yeah, born in 1908. Take a picture of that. Well, look, all these pictures, by the way, are on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, and there's a big nice sign that says Nuneat. I like that sign, like a ghost sign almost. Right.

Oh, there, yeah. Yeah, over there. Not that thing on the wall, the thing on the wall. I saw. Yeah. Hey, look, there's another mosaic here the thing on the wall yeah local roads Hey look! Mel, me anal head. Here take a photo. Block the sea out for Eli. There we go, I'm blocking the sea out so he can take a picture of the...

Melan anal head. Make sure you get a bell end as well. Melan anal head. Yeah, all right. Yeah, make sure you get a bell end. Right, we'll see you a little bit later. So we have popped into Londis, we grabbed a few provisions and we walked, I don't know what, five minutes up the road to the corner where we found Nunhead Cemetery, All Saints Cemetery Nunhead specifically speaking. There's a blue plaque there, what does it say? Established by the London Cemetery Company July 1840, a haven of tranquillity and remembrance because it's one of the big seven which is the big seven cemeteries in London. Well it says here doesn't it, history,

Nunhead Cemetery is one of the great seven commercial Victorian cemeteries established in a ring around the outskirts of London in the city. Churchards became unhealthily full. This is what I was going to refer to, yes, they had to actually do it because there were too many cadavers and they also have... Cadaver banana! All right. They also have, what do you call a city of the dead?

Necropolis. Yes. They have one of those down south and they used to take them in trains as well. It's all connected to that part of history where there was just too many dead. Well, it's like, I think I told, I think we spoke about this in the past,

but like if the plans were originally near Crouch End to build a massive mausoleum in the shape of a black pyramid. Oh yeah, imagine that had gone through man. You do have a big cemetery, one of the big eight, Highgate is near Crouch End isn't it? It's just over the hill sort of thing. Yeah. Nunhead Hill, the site chosen for the cemetery, rises 200 feet above sea level at its highest point and affords extensive views over the city of London and St Paul's in one direction and towards the north down to the other. Oh yeah I'm going to be enjoying those views. Just a little point on Londis before we go on. I noticed that they had

Dr Pepper Blackberry which I picked up because it is one of the finest soft drinks to come out in recent years. Let's just put it that way. Now, I want to call you out, Coca-Cola Company of Britain. And this is a message straight to you. If you don't release Coca-Cola Orange Creme or cream. Creme sounds cool. Orange Creme on this side of the pond, I will will never forgive you and you'll lose a lifelong customer. You heard it here didn't you? Dear Mr Coca Cola I hope you're shitting your fucking pants right now. Sorry just had to put that out there but now let's get back to the graves.

Oh yeah you're right because when we came into the entrance we were looking like what we thought were like brooms like I don't know what you want to call them, like little... They look like switches, little handle-less brooms, yeah. But it says here, decorative devices emphasizing mortality, inverted flaming torches to suggest life being snuffed out. Because that's how you put it out, is you invert it, so that's why they're inverted. Yeah. It's got a Figgins tomb in 1844 with four columns indicates a return to the more austere Greek style I guess of grave. Opposite on the hill the Allen tomb of 1867 was mulled on the Piava tomb of Xanthos,

I believe in ancient Greece, which was discovered in the 1830s. We've got to check these out man. Yeah, it's not too uncommon because like when the pyramids became a huge thing in the early 1900s. You're talking about the Egyptology craze? Yeah when they were opening tombs left right and center that suddenly came a trend in... Graveyard architecture or whatever they call it. I mean you must have been to a graveyard somewhere and seen a little pyramid. Oh absolutely you know one that is big for that is Highgate which has whole

it's got like the Pharaoh's Row or something it's got all references to Egyptology and the names of the crypts and so forth. There's a great one in Liverpool and there's a great myth around there, don't know if you've heard this but there's a myth that there's a guy buried in Liverpool in this pyramid coffin tomb thing and in it he's allegedly sat upright in a chair holding a winning poker card deck or a winning card hand. Yeah, sorry. I think that's been debunked but that's the legend like he played a hand of the devil and lost and... Yeah it's funny how there's so many because you know what the dead hands dead man's hand is?

No. It's two pair aces and eights because Wild Bill Hickok was holding that hand in a saloon bar when he was shot by someone he owed money to or something. I guess that would be a dead man's hand. was shot by someone he owed money to or something. I guess that would be a dead man's hand. And that's known as the dead man's hand. And other than the association there's no reward to having that hand is there? And that's why that place is called Aces and Eights in Kentish Town.

Oh really? Yeah. It's like rock and roll, the dead man's hand. It's not a bad name when you think about it. So we are here and there's the Catacomb path, the Descenters Road. Cool, I love it when the site of the Descenters Chapel, there's a Descenters Chapel here. What does that mean? It's where they bury people who don't follow the main... Oh wait, read it.

Consecrated for the interment of members of the Church of England, one sixth of the cemeteries, 52 acres, were set aside for the burial of Descenters... Non-Church of England members? Yeah. You don't believe in the same exact flavour of Christ as us? Yeah. It's largely the same, but it's different enough that I'm going to bury you over there. All right? Who cares? Oh, there's the Alan tomb.

That looks great. Chunky boy. If you put your ear to it, hang on, listen. Want to see you smile and I think you're wild Had she? Yeah. It's like she's doing a break up. He was married to some other celeb. That guy who was in Stranger Things and played Hellboy and is now...

Oh him, yeah. What's his name? He's pretty good. Richard Howard. And he's in that new Marvel thing. Yeah, from the bolts. David Marks. Mark... I can't remember the guy's name. Don't know. What I love right now is someone's listening to this going, It's fucking David!

It's David something. David Harbour? Harbour. That's right. Between the two of us. We got it. We don't need your fucking comments now saying what it is. Thank you.

Shall we plan our route around the same area? Yeah, because we need to find a place to have a little bit of a picnic, right? There's a poppy sign there. I don't know what that means. Probably war dead. Look at this, this is the road, this is lovely, I should take a picture of this as well. Yeah. Where there's the... Limesford Road. Shall we just head uphill I think because we want to look for the views don't we? Do you want to go the Catacomb path, East Crescent, up the avenue or Descenters Road. Let's go Descenters Road and round. Yeah, anti-clockwise. West hill, see it says hill

there so I bet that's high ground. All right let's do that. All right. All right cool well on a lovely warm London day Eli and I are going scurrying around the graveyard in Narnale. And once again Mr Coca-Cola, don't... Hey, hey, hey, hey. Once again Mr Coca-Cola, you'll be doing not only a grave disservice to me, but the whole of the soft drinking public of this whole continent. And while we're at it, dear Mr Earth, Mr Fleshlight Company, if you do not release the Eli's B bumhole adaptation for my fleshlight, then you've lost a customer. A valued customer.

Alright? Can you give me your bumhole fleshlights? Yeah. Oh god. You can get mouths, bumholes, fannies, ears. Anything. Big nose. What about a predator mouth?

You know what? Probably. I bet you can. Ararararara, something like that. Right, we'll see you a bit later. We've just taken a quick little breather as we climbed some of the hill to this and we've sat down by William Hartree, an engineer of Greenwich and Lewisham Road. Died in 1859, age 45. So we're sitting on his grave and Eli went for a little pitch in Impossible,

which I believe was successful, is that correct? Yeah, it was all good. I had a good visual 360 around and I timed it perfectly because about 1800 dogs just passed us. Give or take. It was like being on the set of a Disney film for a minute where all of us were surrounded by dogs of all shapes and sizes. Maybe that's what we should do. Start a dog walking company. Come and collect your dogs and then we take them for a walk. Hey? Eli and Paul's dog walking company. Yeah, why not? I'm sorry, I'm just looking at my phone, Paul.

We don't really have a plan. I was thinking we have a little drinky poo here. Just a little snifter, mate. Can we? Can we please? It's not disrespectful to have a snifter on a grave, is it? Oh, you wouldn't want to have one here? Why not? It's quite enough. I'll get the ice out then, shall I? No one's going to go, oh you, stop drinking.

Well if they do, we'll have to have a confrontation with them. Are you allowed to drink in graveyards? Probably not. Is there a sign that says please do not get pissed up here? It's probably frowned upon, but we'll be very respectful. Yeah. To William Hartree and Charlotte. Doesn't she deserve a name?

Oh there it is. Well, Hartree. Widower. No, Hartree. Widower. No, it's the Widower. Yeah. So she was called Hartree as well, but. Yeah. She died at 80.

God, so that means she lived another 30 years without him and still was like, fine, I won't change my name, I won't remarry. I'll just, I'll just carry on being me. Oh, who's next to it? In memoriam of a name that I don't believe is real. Philander Daggett is the name. Philander Daggett. Mate, I don't even think that's gonna be

the most amusing name we find today because Victorians had weird names and there was a whole, there was a whole, there was a whole right now, mate mate and I'm having a problem. Don't walk into it. Oh, he walked into it. I'm so sorry. It's got a bit of spice that one hasn't it?

It's kind of like rusty pipes. Well the breeze is coming up in it. Just like Paul McCartney's disco hit, it's coming up! Anyway, born in Minehead Haven and died at... what's that say? Boulogne's... Summer, Surma, France. Maybe he died in the battle. I know 1875. Oh, fuck my stink. You really do. You need to go to the toilet.

I've been, I've had quite a lot of time this morning on the toilet. I'm so pissed off, I miss my sister's birthday. Why don't you say a happy birthday to her now? I am, but... Say it to her now, on the podcast, she won't listen. It's not that person isn't my sister. I know, but just say it to her. They're the only person you think.

She can at least pass it on. She won't. I'll say it. Happy birthday to Eli's sister who doesn't listen to this episode of the podcast. Oh, my guts. Actually this turned. Oh, they've turned. Are we going to have to fight a...

Oh, do you think there's some public lavatories? I don't think I'm in a need to drop guts. When you say things, when you let off farts the smell of feces like that, and you say, oh, they've turned, they turned, bending forward, hand on stomach. I can't put them spasm. You know, tell me I'm mad,

but I assume you need to go poopy time, big time, soon time. Poopy, poopy pie. I think I'm gonna be all right for the rest of this day, but that's not to say there aren't gasses. You need to sort your life out! I think this is not the platform to disgust my bowels. It's a high platform so they splat out, splat down, splat...

Yeah, no good stuff. Hey look, guess who's on form this week? Eli and I. Eli and I are on form. Erm, what are you doing on your phone? You've just been on your phone non-stop. Let's have a little, let's have a little tinkle. I feel guilty for missing the birthday. Well then just send her a message now. I did. Alright well then job done. Honestly, you forget my birthday all the time and you don't feel bad about it. Is it April what? See exactly September 14th is when I grace the earth with another year of my life. And

not once have you ever remembered it on the day I sent you a message when you were away in Florida happy birthday mate didn't I yes so who's the better friend you say go on my you are the better friend in this relationship than I am thank you at all at all anyone needs to hear right right we're gonna have a little tinkle. Not a piss, we've done that. Just a little bit of a sniffter of the old peculiar. See it a bit. Right, so Eli and I, we had a little sniffle.

Sniffle, sniffle. You know why you're saying sniffle? Sniffle. Because of the smell of them vagina trees. It's vagina tree time, everybody. There's no vagina trees here. There are no trees. Can you not smell the fecund and ripe odor of the juicy vagina trees as their polyps burst forth the gush gush out my... Right you know what? No! No! Shut up you! Why were you perfectly normal until 30 seconds ago? We had a little drink, we had a little sit down. I didn't I? Can I just say right now I'm stone cold sober. What a problem innit?

I'm you know what Paul I'm intoxicated from the heady scent the heady scent of the vagina trees. Well how about I offset that with a little bit of grundle for my back passage. Hey? Grundle from the back Wade. Would you like a little bit of a vaginal grundle mix? Would you like a little bit of a vaginal grundle mix? A plop tail. Like a cocktail but with plops.

Anyway, here's another great name. Read it out. In loving memory of Charlotte, wife of Burgess Peachy. Hey Burgess Peachy. No but like I was trying to say earlier, Paul... There's a whole book, like a toilet humour book, of names from gravestones, Victorian gravestones, because they had crazy names, like fuck.

It didn't mean that back then. F-U-C-H or something. No, F-U-C-K. And there was one called Die Happy Badger. Die Happy Badger and one called Nasty Rosenthal as well. That sounds like a Viz character. No, no. I agree with you but like at the same time. I want to look. Lewin Heather Lewin that's normal. That's not a great name. So we did a little circular loop. We went round a little passage because it's very, I mean as I say, a very gothic-y area.

Lots of very gothic gravestones. Absolutely beautiful large graves, mausoleums, crypts. Yeah. Very... Gods. Very shut up, very statuesque or sculptural, a lot of them, aren't they? Yeah. With sculptural elements. Usually with like an urn on the top or an angel or a cherub.

Another thing you see is the hands, the joined hands. I think that's when a Catholic married a Protestant. Is it? Yeah. I think it's got something to do. Citation needed on that. No, because I'm getting confused because there's these things I saw online where you've

got a Catholic cemetery and a Protestant cemetery, and the husband and wife are buried on either side of the wall and they've built like a holding hand thing above the wall. So I'm wrong, but that's what I'm referring to.. Okay so the plan is now we're going to try and find the highest point so we can look out towards Highgate Cemetery which is a plan. It involves kind of doing a bit of a loop-de-loop because allegedly we need to go to the West Hill path. But we started just on a whim we started on the east didn't we? We went the descenter's path didn't we? That's what we wanted to do the descenter's path.

There's lots of little paths but everywhere you go it feels like you're just going into the wood but there's all graves in there as well isn't it? It's crazy the density of the dead here. And it's funny as well because in some respects you think oh I'll just sneak in here for a little sit down when you get there you don't feel like you sneaked anywhere because of those graves. Yeah. You always feel like you're trespassing it really is amazing are we coming up on let's see we're coming to the foot of

this hill there's a lot more graves down here I mean we might be coming back where we started actually very different route yes so it might be that we just go past where we came in and then loop back the other way okay Louisa Eleanor where's the funny names I I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to read, I don't know how many graves are in this fucking place, but probably a couple of hundred, right? Archer, Bentley Archer, Edmund Sumner. Perhaps an ancestor of Sting. Yes, that was my first feeling as well. Every time I hear the name Sumner, oh look at this. Oh yeah, oh no we haven't gone right back to the beginning,

we haven't passed this. Huge, a huge little chapel, not huge little, a little chapel, but it looks like it's been bombed out or something, like it's hollow inside and there's a huge there's a not huge that was huge on my mind there's a sort of gateway a pass through it here I'll take a photo you take a photograph so this is a very random episode this week aimless but I don't know the Sun it's nice is it aimless though Paul because really at the end of the day we we are all... Aimless. All aiming towards death. And here we are on a place of death, so there you go.

Joseph Cockerill. You're grasping at cock. Oh, well, often. Isn't that often the case? This is a church, but the roof is missing. Do you see that? It was probably a chapel where people would bring their corpses before they buried them, right?

Yeah, bombed during the Second World War. Yeah. Anglican. But the Descenters Chapel. Okay so the Descenters Chapel is separate from this one. No this is not. It's crazy without the roof it gives it a real vibe. Just trying to see if there's anything of interest here. This is the Anglican Chapel the inclusion of an octagonal chapel as part of its design has been set by precedence in the Greek, Muslim and early Christian architecture. Oh, there you go. You can see that's the hexagonal bit in the back there. Yeah. And again, it's that funny of like just Western religions co-opting what it likes from other religions and saying, right, that's ours now.

That's how we look now. We're going through the... That's always been the way of the West though, isn't it? Oh yeah. Take it and claim it. Yeah, take it and then... So look through the gate. It's amazing.

Look at that. It's great, this. Supported by the Heritage Lottery Fund, which is fair enough. Do you think it's any ghost in Nunhead Cemetery? The theory is that if you're going to look for ghosts, you don't go to a cemetery. Because it's too on the nose. Basically, yeah. But, you know, people still... Look at that. See that on the wall there? Must be modern art or something, but like, it's a...

It's like a corpse, a death mask. Well, it's like half the face is, like, fine, and then the other side is a skull, yeah. I'll get a closer look. Take a shot of that, cos that's really kind of... That's affecting, isn't it? Eerie, but like, yeah, affecting. You kind of want wanna wander around it.

Wow. Are we not allowed in? Are we allowed in this room? No, it's all locked up. We couldn't get in if we wanted to. That's creepy as all hell. Look at it through the camera. Ooh.

You know what I mean? If you saw that in your window at night. I would be freaked out. It's brown bedsheets time, innit? Look at these little faces, screaming little faces of kids, it looks like, there, those decorations. I mean, this is the thing, I don't know what those faces

are meant to represent, because they might be the whim of the sculptor of it, you know? It might just be the whim of that person. Which is why, you know, famously on certain cathedrals, you see weird little goblins and weird little affectations. Yeah, which, you know, obviously was like the sculptor going, hoo hoo hoo hoo, they won't see this for years. It's up at the bloody top of the roof.

Yeah. You know, even us, to, you know, heretics, who don't believe in faith in any regard. Heretics, atheists. What's a heretic do? A heretic is someone might believe something, but he goes against the gospel. He goes against the dogma, a heretic.

So, for example, Joan of Arc was a heretic. You see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what you're saying is we need to burn a church down. I'm saying exactly that. Come on then, come on then. Let's find the church to burn down. Get me some of the views here.

We'll blame it on the Norwegians. We can see right up to Elephant Castle, and that is the building known colloquially as the Electric Razor. Yeah, I fucking hate it. We can see right up to Elephant Castle and that is the building known colloquially as the Electric Razor. Yeah, I fucking hate it. If you ask me, if you can name it something similar to that, colloquially, it's not a good building.

I don't know, the Shard? Bad. What about the Gherkin? Do you like the Gherkin? I don't like the name of it. I like the look of it. When you call it the Gherkin, it kind of feels like it cheapens it somewhat. Yeah, but the electric shaver's just ugly on its face, isn't it?

And there's that other one, the mobile phone, because it looks like a kind of feels like it cheapens it somewhat. Yeah, but the electric shaver's just ugly on its face, isn't it? And there's that other one, the mobile phone, because it looks like a kind of early 2000s Nokia kind of thing. And then the walkie-talkie. Oh, that's the one I'm thinking of. That was the one that was... But I think they called it the cell phone as well, didn't they? Maybe, but then, because cell phones don't look like that anymore, then the walkie-talkie fits better, sort of.

But also, it was famous for, like, if you parked your car in the wrong area, the reflected sunlight off the building. Oh yes, that one. With like, It literally set someone's car on fire. I don't know if it set it on fire. It did, no it did, yeah.

Jesus. Oh look, Superman's, oh no, it says Lois, and I thought it said Lois Lane. I thought, oh look, Superman's girlfriend's buried here, but no. Robert Mitchell. Lewis and Park. I don't know we're just shouting out names now well I don't know cuz that was I wish we have you taken it

did you take a picture of the map let's have a look at it because that might help us out because right now we know we're at the cat Anglican and Kith Chapel and then that way we'll have a better idea of where we go next then. Oh look at that picture. See? Clever us. Cleverylionpaulet taking pictures of maps. You just have to rely on the googly's or the google. Google? Close your porn tube down. I haven't shut up.

Slow it down. Shut up trying to shame me. I do not have a porn. Clown porn. What's that? No these two clowns got divorced. Custody battle. Shut up trying to shame me. I do not have a porn. What's that? These two clowns got divorced. Custody battle. Oh dear dear dear dear dear dear dear dear.

Great. Is that the chapel? Yeah. So we need to go... We're here. East path. Wait. So where's the west path? Is that the one we were on? It's up further up though. I reckon it's here the high point. Yeah we didn't go that way did we so we could just go straight up this road then. We could go round here and follow when it branches to the right. Yeah. Should we do that? Yeah because it must be that way. Alright let's do that then. And before we go let's see if we can find a funny name on a gravestone to make you laugh and maybe have a little bit of think about your own mortality. Erm...

HE LAUGHS Er... George... Was that Fiend? George Fiend Caroline Spurak. It's a very elaborate name. Lost after suffering sweet rest at last. Not lost but gone before.

There's those... Oh, shake your hands. Cla old class hands that I told you about yeah oh they're on a lot of graves a lot the heads have come off these the statues as well haven't you noticed that yeah people nick them I mean you don't know someone just doesn't go out fuck them and knock it off for a laugh this is a Celtic cross on this one there's a really nice. There's a 2010 grave there. Wow. There's a whole family in a tiny grave. And it's another, well that's more of a prayer hands thing rather.

There's prayer hands, yeah. Wilmot. Gary Wilmot? Maybe not. No, he still walks the earth, doesn't he? He does. Oh look. What's that?

Like a little clamp. No, it's a, it's a, it's the torso of something. It's fallen down, hasn't it? Yeah. The torso has fallen off somewhere, but there doesn't seem to be. Is it from that one? Maybe from Sophia Elizabeth. That's quite striking. Striking. Thomas Strokes. I bet he does.

Charles Box. I bet he has one. Just I need to find a good name to end this segment on Havana butchers yeah it is it's a first name Havana second name butchers yeah Havana butchers maybe it's pronounced like the cigar I think like Havana look Oh look here's one Paul. Havana butchers. It says here lies Richard B Aitken. Dick B Aitken. Oh yeah that's what it does say yeah and there's a Russian one there as well. What's the name? Hadjiobolikov. Should we just do this for the rest of the episode?

I think we've exhausted our joke name at that bank. Yeah. Memory banks. George Bird. Oh no there's one. do this for the rest of the episode. George Bird. Oh no there's one. Mr and Mrs One Off. And there's Josh, Josh One Off. Josh One Off. Thank was actually pretty good. Thank you. Oh there's a little grave, a little Christmas tree on that one. Yeah it looks like a much more recent one again. Why would you put a Christmas tree on someone's...

2000, year 2000, Julius. Do you reckon they just like Christmas? And they came to her and said do you want a Christmas tree or something? Because it feels like someone comes by and looks after that one. Well they only died 25 years ago. Tree trail. This is tree 5Aa an English walnut. Where though? This is an arrow. Yeah let's go on this way. We'll see you in a little bit once we've got our bearings. As once again Paul and Eli wander around the graveyard for your

entertainment. Is this where we've come to? So we're just currently getting our bearings, but I found a sign about Musical and apparently in Nunhead Cemetery a few musical quote-unquote legends. Musical personalities. There's Edward Weston who was a publican who became an entrepreneur Then he eventually turned what it says he found they Converted the disused chapel in the back of his pub into the Western musical Which he sold out and stars such as Albert Chevalier eventually the Holburn Empire Yeah, eventually and then there was Jenny Hill to recognize her. Yeah old wartime singer Ada Reeves

I recognize that name as well same kind of thing and Dan Leno. There's Hilton, I recognise her now. Old wartime singer. Ada Reeves, I recognise that name as well. Same kind of thing. And Dan Leno. Who's Dan Leno? I don't know that name. I'm just thinking of the... Jay Leno. Do you have an impression? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, surface. She began as Jenny Hill as well, who when she was young started as the hind legs of

a pantomime horse. Then became a famous principal boy. Which is from? Well it's the whole Shakespearean thing, goes way back to that. Yeah, but isn't it from pantomimes? Yeah, so it would be like she would play Aladdin. Then as 10 year old she made a debut in a pub in Fleet Street, singing songs at the bars.

She married a stage acrobat, married in the late 1860s, but it failed. And she was still a teenager with a baby girl to support. Jesus. Then she took an audition in the London Pavilion, now a shopping arcade in Piccadilly, and sank her way to overnight stardom. Is that where the Trocadero is, or was?

No. OK. It's in that area, but it's not, no. It's not that. Anyway, lots of musical stars have lived and died here. The famous song, or quote, if you want to know the time, massacre policeman. I don't know that.

Was a song, is a lasting memorial to the man who wrote it. Augustus Durandu Durandu, born 1848. No, no, poor, poor. Durandu. Augustus Durandu Durandu, born 1848. No, Paul. Durandu. Augustus Durandu, full stop. Oh. Like, bootstrap, bootstrap. No, I thought it was like the inspiration for the band Duran Duran, or like the character

of Duran Duran in Farmerella. You actually thought, when you read that, you thought the guy's name was Augustus Durandu Durandu. Why not? I didn't see the full stop at the time. Okay, Durandu, beginning of the new sentence, was born in 1848. And he wrote the song Wild Boys and Rio. He died aged 45. His songs are well known but they brought him little personal fame and certainly no fortune and he's buried in a common piece of public grave with a

dozen or so long-forgotten citizens of the city. It's terrible that though isn't it how the legacy of something you create can outlast you and you become a footnote to that. Well, you don't mind, you're dead. It'd be better if you found fame or praise when you're alive, but it doesn't make... It doesn't matter to you one way or the other whether it happens after you're dead, does it? But when something becomes colloquially well known, like, you know, if you want to know the time, ask a policeman, and it comes from a song and it becomes something people sang, and yet the person who created that phrase is long since gone it's kind of like it's interesting. It's sad yeah.

Such is the way, oh look, gravelly path here. Gravelly path, it's like, oh there's all gravestone that's been broken up into a gravelly path. Oh look, the piece of cross. I'm going to take a photo of that. Do you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of the return to Oz when they found the smashed up yellow brick road. Is it all made of skulls or whatever? No, it's just the bricks but it's all torn up and...

Now we're on some higher ground here. Is this the West Hill? I mean, I don't know. I wanna get higher. We go up, look, that must be the highest point. Where that mast is. Yeah, because it's already a mast. Let's go up there.

How do we get up there? Just through the graves. Can we not just sit on that bench and have a smoke for a bit? Okay, yeah. Because, you know, we've been going kind of in a little bit of a loop at the graves. Can we not just sit on that bench and have a smoke for a bit? Because we've been going in a little bit of a loop at the moment. I just want to take a seat. And also...

We have to find some toilets. No, it's not toilets. I'm standing over here because I'm breaking wind silently. Mate, but however, I have got something I can direct you to, which I think you will agree. Yeah? I see it. Go on.

In loving memory of our brother, George Peewee Donovan. Peewee in brackets. There you go. There you go. He was known as Peewee. Fell asleep on the 19th of September. We might not have died. Patrick Joseph Hartnett.

Reminds me of that film, The Trap. Did I tell you? It was very bad. Fred Hartnett. He was born on the same day I was. 1931? Yeah, exactly. Exactly the same year and date, 14th September.

If anyone's listening to this thing and it was going to be a jolly, weird little episode and instead we're making you constantly remember your mortality, then we apologise. What are these, like, serial numbers on the backs of the gravestones? Well, that'll be if you go to the website for non-ed cemetery and you type in a number or you know the name, it'll tell you where find it. It's kind of like a code to you know where you're looking It's funny how there are some really grand graves here and then there are some Almost homemade stuff, you know like that little one there with a brown cross

Speaking of brown crosses. I don't want to look at my underpants right now, but I've got to stop breaking wind Often is you get well someone, they get one like that for the first five years and then they upgrade to a headstone later. Do you see what I mean? That's often what they're waiting for. Optional extra. We can go off of the way and then they, you know. But I don't know, that grave's quite old and I think all it has is that little brown cross,

so there you go. Well, what? I don't, I mean... This is an observation more than a question or anything. you know? Do you want a gravestone? No, I want to be forgotten about as soon as I'm gone. Really? Yeah, like Peter Cook doesn't have a gravestone. No, I mean a lot of people don't even bother with that sort of thing at all.

No. It's like my nan, when she passed a year or so ago, I went to my mum, because I couldn't get up for the funeral, and I said to my mum, well where is it? She goes, well she doesn't have a grave. I was like what do you do with the remains? Gone. They're just gone. Yeah. Which is you know if you're an atheist and you're you know and that's not your deal then why wouldn't you just say yeah the person's gone. Yeah. Then there's no the remains what the remains are they have less significance in

an atheistic worldview don't they? I want my body fed to someone or something. Like just tossed over into a lion pit or into a gorilla pen. I don't think that's easy unless you've got a lot of money to get done. My plan is to jump out of a plane right above London Zoo head first into the Meerkatat encampter or something and then have them drag me away. Encampture? Encampture? That's a word. No. Well, almost there. Encampture. Encampment. Encampment. Either way my aim is to dive headfirst

into London Zoo, die on the spot wherever I land and have the animals have their way with me. Is it bad etiquette to have a big fat zubi in here? I like to think of it as respectfully finding a tranquil moment of zen to burn the herb and you know smudge the area so to speak. You can't, you don't do smudging mate, that's not in the Christian world view. Yeah well my brown back of my pants have got a bit of smudging going on because I'm pretty sure a lot of that thought I've been doing has been speckling pellets, speckling pellets. You feel like that but that's to do with the fact

and also there are no wetness sensors in human skin. We can't actually tell whether the moisture is present on our skin. Can you explain that to my bumhole then because it feels like it's in the paddling pool right now. Yes, that's because you're having a hallucination of arse moistness. I always think, oh, I've got a real wet arse. And then when I take my pants down, it's dry, it's dry as a bone. And then sometimes also, Paul, I keep bones in my pants. That's what I love about this podcast.

It goes from speaking about the kind of sanctity of death and the, you know, like, you know, like talking about death and gravestones and memorances and all these kind of things and then straight to, and then I shot my punch. I didn't. Eli, it's funny that Eli admitted to shitting his pants then. I did not. Stop gaslighting me. I'm not gaslighting you. I'm gaslighting the audience to believe what I'm saying.

You don't have to believe it. I just need them to believe it. Fine. And Eli is a speckled toaster. Right, we're on a bench, we're going to sit down and then see if we can find that highest ground. You're right, there's a foam mast there, so let's see if we can get to it. It's a foam mast, they always put that on the highest point, don't they? And it feels like we are, this is the West Hill we've found. But it looks like there's maybe a little copse at the top of the hill, the very ground. Which we don't they and it feels like we are this is the West Hill we've found but it looks like there's maybe a little cops at the top of the hill the

very crowd. We'll find out. Bye! I think this should be a fine place look it's a nice tree we can rest upon it it's a bit darker on this side of the park in it and you're looking for a bit more light what's down there but there's a little clearing on top of some graves come on give me two minutes down this way. To be fair, well... Alright, fine. No, all I'm saying is, no matter where we go here, we're going to be surrounded by graves. I understand that, but that doesn't look very comfy or... and this is my main issue.

Yeah. Secluded and shielded from the path. And dog walkers and other straights looking at us judging us perhaps reporting us to the local constabulary you go down the jail you just get your dick out at the front desk because you're angry you're drunk maybe they put you away for a long time I hate it when Paul interrupts me no I know I was doing your voice and I didn't interrupt you then and you know what I bloody should have yeah should have stamped that out like a small fire. Anyway look I just think it's gonna be a

nicer spot just up here Paul even like this this what's this is this looks is this a grave or a bench area? Little copse of newly planted ashes they look like ash trees yeah yeah this is the first memorial site yeah well it's just leaves and also someone who's had a dirty protest of some sort it might have been somebody fell over put their hand in mud and yeah it looks like it doesn't it although it does look like you know it's fecal but I don't really think that's a place to drink. I'll tell you what I can read out while we're looking at reading this up. I found this because of course I did. Ghosts, the ghosts of Nunhead cemetery. Let's read this out. It's on a website called spooky aisle. Apparently the graveyard features ghost children, vanishing specters and

phantom bank managers. Says Eddie Brazil in itself a name. Isn't that the guy at bottom called Eddie Hitler? Hitler sorry. Well it's Brazil you see why I get confused because they're not supposed to have fled to Brazil. It's got nice plumage. Nice little bit of blue. Are you picking up something? He was. Isn't there some kind of luck thing where you only see one magpie? Bad luck. You're meant to see two, aren't you?

And salute it. Right, anyway, consecrated in 1840, its first burial was of that of a 101 year old grocer from Ipswich and the last was that of a soldier who became a cannon of Lahore Cathedral in India. Like Highgate, Nunhead is the archetype spooky graveyard of leaning headstones, crumbling tombs and a Victorian gothic chapel. I'm gonna go through it. Right. It It's not gonna be anything of note or value. Nunhead Cemetery has its own monster phantom. Highgate? Is it a skinwalker?

No, it won't be a skinwalker. Why is it? It's a monster. It's that American thing, a skinwalker. Isn't that a name for a demon though? A monster? No. What do they mean by that? Well, I'm gonna read it out now, won't I? Once again, Eli interrupts before any salient information comes out

to answer any pertaining questions you may have. And once again, Paul's complaints at that behaviour further obscures any meaning, meaningful discourse. Well, still, shut up until I finish your sentence. I will. I'm going to shut up. You literally talked over the sentence of me telling you to shut up. I don't think you quite see it.

Right, Mary Jane's grave. Mary and Jane, close right Highgate has a seven-foot King vampire yeah we've heard about that before Nunhead a phantom six foot and eight inches of a Bank of England clerk in 1923 the remains of William Jenkins a lifelong employee of the bank were moved from the city of London court court offices, court garden, burial ground and re-interned at a catacomb and nun head cemetery. Here they rested until the 1970s when the abandoned cemetery was invaded by hooligans and the graves and coffins were violated and robbed. I wonder if this

is any relation to what happened in Highgate. It must be the same group of people you'd think. You'd think? Yeah, maybe. Or there was a fad. There was a fad for desecration then, wasn't there? Also, that little grave, though it's just the corner of it, it looks like a little milk carton just because of the way it's poked out of the leaves. Look at the way that tree is engulfing that grave. I've taken a photo of that. Thy will be done. Bessel Mildred Bessel. Yeah. It is said that such desecration no doubt resulted in the paranormal phenomena. It is the ghost of the bank clerk which is said to

haunt the graveyard. In 1975 a workman saw a tall dark stranger dressed totally in black emerge from one of the crumbling catacombs and disappeared into the surrounding undergrowth or he found the man having a cottaging session in the middle of the night and ran off going oh can't believe it. Again in the 70s a group of people walking their dogs through the cemetery saw the figure of a woman in Victorian dress holding a lantern and gliding along a path as the the group approached, she vanished. Ghost children seen at Nunhead Cemetery.

Oh, is that one? Oh, no, they're real kids. Right, okay. Spectral children have also been seen at the cemetery. One night, a man walking by the entrance to the graveyard saw and heard a group of youngsters playing and laughing amongst the graves. That would creep me out. That's like a witch project, isn't's like a witch project isn't it? As he looked through the bars of the gates he said their presence and sound gradually faded into darkness. The man was convinced he had seen the ghosts of children but whose children could they be? Well in 1912 nine sea scouts were

laid to rest at Nunhead after drowning in a boat against accidents off the Isle of Sheppery. Do you remember when I reported out the New Zealand graves? Yeah. There was that book. Oh, that's the Sea Scouts. Yes, that's the Sea Scouts. So that's where those kids might be ghosts of. Anyway, there's an accident off the Isle of Sheppey

on the coast of Kent. Boat sinking? Yeah, and nine Sea Scouts died in 19, what was it? 12? Is that the rest of the story? Is that it? I think we should look around here to set up our impromptu in cemetery drinking den. In 2016 someone on Reddit posted a story about seeing a ghost at Nunhead Cemetery. Average height, no face visible, but there was certainly, it was like wearing a habit or some kind of hood. Well, it's the nun theme, isn't it?

Londonist has an article as well. The walking nunhead dead. Bet you're proud of that article, weren't you, Scott Wood? Oh, Ellen Gotthard. I mean, that's what they call rigor mortis, innit? Hey, she did get hard. She did. No, that's Gothard.

Oh. But... Olifant. That's a real name. What's his name? Nelly T. Olifant. I mean... No, he's not. Shut up, you got me there. You got me there. Nelly T. Olifant. Said they said goodbye to the circus.

Shut up. One day at a time, Nunhead Spook caught on camera. Of course the picture doesn't fucking work now. Nunhead Cemetery Open Day is this Saturday. Oh when was this article from? Oh 179 months ago but they still got a banner outside saying open day. How do you have an open day for a cemetery? You have probably guides, guided walks and that type of thing. No Paul that banner would be for this year's open day. They probably do it every... I know I'm just saying it's funny how this article is

always about the open day. I didn't know it was a common thing to have cemetery open days. And then it tells the story about William Daniel Jenkins, who worked at the bank. Oh, it just has a bit more colour here, a bit more to the other website didn't say. Weird. His death on 24th of March 1798, William lived in the London... In a London of resurrectionists. What are they? They were a sect of Christianity obviously. But what about, specifically about coming back from the dead?

Must be to do with Christ, the resurrection of Christ. Do you remember? He was in the cave, he lied in the cave and then he came back to life. He lived in a London... He was a major tenant of Christian belief and there's disagreement about whether it happened or not. Certain sects don't think he did and this, I think there's... Well, let me finish the sentence. William lived in a London of resurrectionists stealing the dead for dissection.

Oh, the resurrection men. Yeah, when they were digging bodies up to give to sell to doctors and hospitals. Right, okay. And they called them resurrection men. That was like the end joke. Just scrap what I said, that wasn't true. Funny how that... Funny if you'd heard the end of the sentence, Eli, you would have made a more kind of notable contribution to the episode. I know but it's

all part of the weft and weave. Yeah there's the weft and weave of Cheap Show. It's warts and all show, particularly the body of giants. So because he was so tall it's looking like his grave was robbed in that craze of the 1970s. He'd be a very valuable specimen. Apparently, 200 guineas had already been offered for his corpse because Willem was considerably disturbed in his mind. Oh, that his body may be snatched after his death. He was so worried that his body was going to be snatched because he was such a big guy. And apparently, his body was basically like people were saying, well, when he dies, we'll get him yeah

isn't it weird though he's really unhappy or it's like I'm not gonna care at the moment that I leave this realm yeah so he was upset that when he died his body's gonna get nicked because he was so tall so his friends obtained permission to have his seven foot six inch coffin interred in the court garden of the bank and then it was moved to here a little while later. It was in the bank and the garden of the bank I see. In the 70s. In the book Ghosts of Unknown by J. A. Brooks he wonders why, wondered why his image was not then picked up by guard replacements or the CCTV cameras installed in 1973. Oh they had them, they must have been huge.

This is because there was actually no such things as ghosts. Alright, take the fun away from that sentence and thought then. Or maybe because in 1923, William's coffin was removed and moved out of Nunhead Cemetery to be reinterred in consecrated ground. So no one knows where he's buried but he's not here no more. But apparently his ghost is. 1975, Councilman saw a tall dark stranger, we saw that before. He was like an 1800s giant because he was maybe like seven foot yeah and it's not exactly, I mean it's unusual now but not uncommon. So they think his ghost still haunts this place but no his grave isn't even here so there you go. Maybe we'll see him today Mr Silverman. Well if we're looking out for a tall dark handsome ghost. No well not handsome but very I think he'd be sallow-faced and stern like a bank

clerk you know. Yeah. All about the details. Looking perturbed. The columns. Where's my body? Clark, you know, all about the details. Looking perturbed. The columns. Where's my body? Where's my body, he say? He's asking people to pay a debt. Oh, what's up that way? There's a little bit of light up that way.

Sock on post. Sock on post? You wanna go up here? Why don't you sock on post? That's awful. We need to find something. We need to find a bit of, just have a look up here. Listen, that was a little sojourn.

We're on the west side now, trying to find a space to have a little gin without being too obvious. But what we could do is leave here and then go to the other park across the way. You want to do that? We can, we'd have to go back up this way. I mean I've seen enough graves. I've seen enough graves. Let's go back up to that. I've at least seen three to four more graves than I'm in the mood for today. So I think we're done here. Tell you what then, unless we find a place in the next,

I don't know, 15 minutes, we'll head over to the recreation ground. Let's do it. Recreation ground then. All right. I just thought I'd get a bit of spooky ghost story in it. Well, that's fine. Little bit of colour in it to the story. I like colour.

Anyone funny names on the gravestones? IP Freely or, uh... HE HE HE HE SIGHS We aim to please, you aim to please. Adam... Adam Ski. Cos he was a solitary brother, wasn't he? Oh, my...

Oh, sh... I'm making an effort. That is not an effort. It is. It's like word association time. Well, it's an effort, innit? You have to make an effort to word associate... Eight. well it's an effort in it you have to make an effort to word associate eight no well done thank you oh now we're looking like we've fallen those guys again we are really aren't we let's just

get out let's get out of here where is the recreation ground it's up by that way I'll show you when I turn this off I get the phone out and show you where we're going all right but for now let's get out of here. No, it was Bellend. No, but do you think that was Bellend Road? No, that said Bellend. Look over the footage. Yeah, but maybe they changed it because people kept nicking the signs and they were just sick of it.

Vermeer Gardens up there. That's where the allotment saw, see? Oh, he's coming out of his allotment. Oh look, that's where the radio... Which is what I said we couldn't get to because it was surrounded by this allotment. Oh yes, you can see at the top, that's where the reservoir is. It goes all the way up there, yeah. And I think that wall we passed with the barbed wire was like a reservoir, you know, like a river or whatever. Oh, right. Yeah. Anyway, look, we've decided to leave the cemetery because frankly, it's kind of bumming us out actually after a while, wasn't it?

Well. A little bit. Just looking for somewhere to drink. Yeah, just looking for somewhere to just relax. We've found, what is this park? Well, um. Peckham Rye. I think it's Peckham Rye Common or something.

Yeah, I think it is. Um... Yes, we made a short... It's only what, what, ten minutes? And do you know the River Peck is here, Paul? Yes, you said so. Oh, I thought you... Because you just...

I texted you and I said, great views, River Peck, and I thought you probably thought River Park or something, because you didn't... No. Because I didn't capitalise Peck, either. I understood what you were getting at. you know no biggie see this is better in it more open spaces we can sit down freely and relax let's just get in the middle of there and get our drink on please and perhaps we do some after you've had one or two but yeah I know you've had one already, something prompts you rap pastiche.

Not gonna set the bar high but yeah. What does that mean rap pastiche? You know when you do a little rap in a pastiche way. Like when we did that other walk and I was like minging the morn, minging whatever it was. Minjin the evening, Minjin all day. That was maybe my finest moment of lyrical genius. Oh, where do you want to go though? It's quite expansive now it's opening out. I like this down here, the parks. You want to stick by a tree.

What about one of these trees up here? We go by the foot of the tree. Yeah. Although aren't we a bit too close to the road? You know what I mean? Bit too close to the road for Mr. Gannon's liking. What's wrong with being close to the road. You know what I mean? Bit too close to the road for Mr. Gannon's liking. What's wrong with being close to the road? Footfall, cars, noise.

All right, well, I'm just getting knackered. I want to get my drink. What about these trees that are off for the side of the road? That's what I'm saying. I thought you meant those ones on the actual road. No, I meant that road that you were pointing. That's fine. OK, that's more acceptable.

Are we greening on that now? Yes. Next one up after this tree? Yeah, fine. Next big tree up? Although I think there's aeing on that now. Yes. Next one up after this tree? Yeah, fine. Next big tree up? Although I think there's a guy underneath that one. Or maybe I'm just seeing some garbage. Well there's a tree after that we can go to.

Oh, they keep getting further and further away though. Yeah, but once we settle we can settle and we're done. There's going to be people under every bloody tree. Well, I mean, yeah, but we've got more places to settle here than in the graveyard, right? So, stop complaining! Okay sorry. I think we're both beginning to feel the heat a bit more now. Because that graveyard was quite leafy and sheltered.

I am utterly exhausted as well. My legs hurt. Yeah. Oh and I brought some of that candy. Oh. Stuff that was donated to us and stuff that you got oh you've got the pickled roulette yeah well let's have a go on that yeah and then the other one that you brought that I think we've done on the podcast already wax

bottles apparently having a moment on tik-tok tik-tok man if tik-tok fucking says jump off a cliff but actually I bet fucking loads of people would you know trouble in the true one of the things they had to take down. Yeah, very likely. Jumping off the cliff memes. Hi everyone this is the jumping off a cliff challenge. I'm gonna do this and then I'm gonna pass it on to Bill and if he doesn't he has to give money to charity. What about that film with Coogan? Penguin lessons. He's trying to do a sort of educating Rita sort of thing. With penguins? Yeah, basically. I bet they pitched it like that because he's playing an academic,

isn't he? But he's one of those based on a true story things, innit? About a man whose life was changed because he had to end up looking after a penguin. Some penguins are fucked off. And is the penguin going to be CG and go, hello, hello? I mean, there's probably some CG in it but it looks like they're all real penguins, innit? They're not meant to be cartoony penguins. It's not like Happy Feet, where they'll all start dancing to fucking Earth, Wind and Fire at a certain point in the film.

Although I would like that. It was a huge hit for him, wasn't it, Happy Feet? George Miller, yeah. Yeah, the sequel was disastrous. He's known for making disastrous sequels. Well, he made Babe 2, didn't he? Which was everyone thinks is the better film. Oh, do they?

But was a commercial flop. Because it was dark. It was a very dark film for a kids film, that. How about this tree? Should we sit here? And look, see, there's obviously a little road that splits it. And then there's another. There's more field there.

So we can go further and investigate later. But for now, I reckon we settle here yeah right we're gonna settle in let's have a little just quiet time drinky-poo you and me and then we'll record some more stuff after that yeah groovy right right hello we've had a few drinks and we Eli got his picnic mat out that I refused to sit on. No yeah why? Content monkey. I don't know anyway we've had a few drinks I had a rum any rum rum drink. Oh yes you had what we thought was a rusty nail wasn't a rusty nail rusty nail has got scotch and Drambuie but what you

actually had was a version a take a riff of a little tangent a spoof off a spooge cannon a hummus cannon was a version of a cocktail known as a known as a known as a dark and stormy everybody So look through there see there's a sign as well. Let's go through the wonder What's this park that we've come onto now because we should update them the last time we talked to them We were in the cemetery, right? No. No, we talked to them as we were coming in before we found a tree Remember? I don't remember. We sat down and then I had two drinks. I had a gin and a naked... You had a stark and stormy. And then you made

me a little bit with gin. And I had what I'd like to term a naked Martinez. Why? Because Martinez is a martini variation which has gin, dry vermouth and orange bitters. And we had it without the vermouth. So it was just gin and bitters. It's not bad, but I had my second one Paul and you noticed a note saying, you said it's a bit like a swimming pool sort of chloriney. And on the second time I drank one I got that note so thanks for ruining it for me. Is this what Cheap Show is now? Two sad men drinking. Is that what it is?

Basically you bought it on us. You're the one who decides whether we drink or not. You know? I didn't want to drink today. I wanted to just enjoy the sun and go for a ramble. You were like I'm bringing that cracker and that's the main thing. That's the only thing I'm planning is bringing booze to a park. And then Eli made me drink more alcohol and I was crying

and I remember saying, I don't want it. And, oh, look, what's that, Mr Silverman? What crime do you think has been committed here? There's a Durex. It's a Durex wrapper, condom missing. And there's some fast food containers that's just been discarded. Here's a Jurex Jurex wrapper condom missing a fast food containers that's just been discarded here's a picture they're pissed they come out they've had some food like it looks like a sort of poke bowl or some sort of

like shit like that what's it called McCunt is itchy it is. I've seen it online. Mcunt, m-i-k, it's a lady called Mcunt. Yes, m-i-k-u-n-t. And then second name, I-z-i-c-h-i, is itchy. Is itchy. Mmm. Anyway, it's dubious. It's dubious.

They eat their fast food. And in a moment of thrill, in a moment of pure abandon, he goes, I've got a condom in my pocket, let's do dirty sex right here and right now. Do you like it Alfresco? I've done it Alfresco sex. I don't think I've ever had sex outdoors. Really? You're too uptight, Daddy. I've had sex in the Tens at Latitude Festival.

I mean, it was outdoors indoors, innit? Outdoors indoors, outdoors indoors! LAUGHTER Indeed it was! Outdoors indoors, outdoors indoors! You know what I mean? Yes. Oh, dear. Anyway, we've had a few libations, and now we're going to wander on to this other part

of the park. Where are we though? Peckham Rycommon? I think so, yeah. We should check where the fuck we are. You're going to have to because my phone's charging in me bag, mate. Oh, have you got enough charge? Give me some juice.

I think so, but I need to focus on my juice right now. Well, what juice? Your juice I'll worry about later. What juice level are you on? I'm on 60. I'm on minus 30. That's level are you on? I'm on 60. Mine was 30. That's more worrying. Well, there you go.

That's why I'm having the juice first. It's my juice. This way. Why? Because that's the entrance to where we need to go. Why do you think we're going that way? For my health. For my health.

This is Peckham Ryde Common. But I've been Pachyro Ry Common, I've been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Peckham Ry Common. What does Cotton Eye even mean?

Where did they get it from? I don't think it means nothing. I think it means nothing. Cause I believe they stole it from an original old folk thing. Appalachian banjo twangy song but then every single one they released after that was something they just made up bluegrass that's what we're talking about

ish I don't think it's quite bluegrass oh you like that ish don't you but um yeah every song they released after that that was very similar to cotton eye joe was just based on any something they made up. What they called the Rednecks. Rednecks. But Rednecks were interesting in that they don't really exist. It's like allegedly a bunch of producers and they just farm in fuckers.

Apparently like the version of Rednecks that exists now is a completely different production group. They just literally sold it off like a McDonald's. It's a franchise. Yeah. I can't believe they're still going. Conceptually the idea. Well people you know it fills the bill like uninspired festival creators go oh people recognize that they stick it on the bill you know that's the way it works. For one song. Yeah. And then all these cunts go I remember this and then they go home and go

back to the tent for a bit of indoors outdoors. Indoors outdoors, indoors outdoors. You've, yeah, you came upon something there Paul. I did, quite right, I did. There's bowls, there's bowls, we've got to be respectful for the bowls. Where are we going then? Up this way, I don't know. Is there a Piss Possible?

I'm open so, there's a crossroads ahead maybe that will illuminate us with some information regarding the piss possible mission piss piss and piss possible is this mission possible right well that says something gardens i think that's the bexby gardens and then it says japanese gardens children children's play area, the lake. I'd like to see the Japanese gardens, I don't know about you. No I'm fine with that. There's a one sign that's facing behind us but what does that say? The oval car park, oh the toilets were behind us.

So it's probably back the way we came. Well what do you want to do? Well tell you what, let's regard the map, see where they exactly are, see if we can get to them and then we'll come back after that. We might as well go for a piss, huh? A piss may as well mate. I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? It's 5.30. Is it? Where are these fucking...

Well I mean it just has, it just says that way. I'm going to put toilet toilet into City Mapper. Well I'm sure it's the one. It must be by the car park. Which way is that? That's not pointing. Because look it's pointing. Well that way. Maybe it's round the bend from where we came in. So let's just go back the way we came. If I put toilets into City Mapper it gives me something literally like the other side of London all the way up in nw1 Like Camden, that's toilet if you just put toilet in says next ones about that's toilet number one on their list

So is it they fall down in it those maps and stuff when you type in something like toilet it goes AI supposed to why can't they put an AI there who knows? surely something that understands if I put toilet into a type in something like toilet and goes, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Doggy's dropping toads. That dog needs it. Literally caught it with my eye and all I see is hot toad drop on the ground. I saw those toad drop offs as well. Snap that off. It looked quite moist. It might be round this deer. It did look wet. It looked like. They're going to have to pick it up, those two.

The tissue. No, with a little bag or something, don't they? They have a little bag. You can't get a bag round a wet one like that. Yeah, Dad's picking it up. He's got a little bag on his hand. That almost made me vom. Really?

Yeah, it was the wet toad. The wet toad. The sloppy to hand. That almost made me vomit. Really? Yeah, it was the wet... Oh! Wet tod. The sloppy tod. The sloppy wet tod dropping out the dog's bot. We both saw it everywhere.

We both saw each and every snip. It wasn't one of those instances. Usually you, you're the one who sees things shit, eat shit. A scoffing... Do you remember that dog to you? That dog to scoff the the chods down, yeah. That was down in the south as well, they were saying. I was trying to remember when that was,

what episode, I can't remember. That's the safari episode. Is it? Yes. Because remember that was the guy who was like cycling next to that woman with the dog. He was like, I get you dog, I get you this dog, I raise dogs.

That's a ship's dog, you were saying, yeah. But the dog just was chowing right down on Chodney toilets that way Hot Chod in the dog's mods. Yes mate. Oh This does not bow well. Sexby garden Is it sex by garden? It's much more me than you that sex by But it doesn't look open. I Know more illumination It doesn't look open. How would it look open? I don't know. More illumination.

You think the toilets should have like a neon sign? Open, come in. Actually, why not? Because that's weird. You don't want people to know you're going to the loo. You want people to think you're just walking by some kind of little hut or something. Park office. There's a fucking bridge on this toilet.

Yeah, there's a little river. This is the park office. Is this the River Perk or whatever you called it? Peck. For Peckham. River Peck? Peckham, as in town by the Peck. Is the toilet here?

Is this it? I think it's here. Right. That's where the word cottageing comes from. I bet it does, yeah. Can we get a shot of you by the cottage? Alright, good. You should refill your water bottle please.

Alright, I'll do it. I'll do it when I come back. With you? Yes. Honest to God, I'm taking a picture of this cottage and me standing against it, which in itself looks suspicious. It's cool, this is great. Is it? It's online.

Good, you put this one online. I'm going to go for a pee and turn this off. Right so we are actually at Beckham Rye Park. We're into the toilets. As toilets in the park go, not too bad. Nothing special but not off-puttingly gross. Eli wants to go to the Japanese gardens and then Sexby gardens. Or should we go Sexby first? I think we're closer to Sexby. No we're not, we're close to Japanese gardens. Oh, by the way, we're not in Peckham Rye Common.

I've already done this, mate. We can skip it. Oh, you already said that. So we came in. Where did we come in from? There, didn't we? That's a bit Monty Python. Oh, yeah.

So we need to come back on our way, that way, and then go Japanese gardens. You're right. The Japanese are on the way to Sexby. Okay. And then there's American gone to see the rockery all right how where's the rockery down it's near the clock it's a rockery around the clock drink more mate drink more let's go to the Japanese shelter and then the

Japanese garden okay and then the Japanese garden. Okay. And then there's a lake, there's a skate park, an adventure centre, a rustic bridge, it's got everything. Tennis, or is that football? That's football actually. And then all this shit, we can find something. Grassland West, is that what we're on? We came through here?

No, we came out through that entrance, we came in through there, we walked up that way, yeah yeah yeah, because we went around that, oh. No, we were here mate. No we walked up that way yeah yeah yeah because we went around that oh no we were here mate no we weren't that way when we came down we came in through there we came in through the corner do you remember we came in through the corner and we came along this is that row of trees that we were talking about before and so we were under one of these trees then we cut across here but there's the toilets we didn't go that way we came here and then went up to the toilets either way we're going that way it doesn doesn't fucking matter. What's that? That looks like quite a gnarly slide. Yeah, it's an adventure playground.

And look, you can see the shard poking its little head out. This is the other side of the shard that you usually see though, because we're looking south to north. It's just this big monolith. It's alright. It's a little bit dystopian, isn't it? It's very dystopian. It's got like shades of Blade Runner to it.

It really is. I don't like buildings made of glass, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's a very common material. Like a hundred years from now, that's gonna look like shit, innit? Well people use glass because it it signifies sort of prestige and high finance and modernism. Yeah, it's this. Look, there's a little peck. Here's another little peck. It's not the peck. That's just a review Where we going the Japanese shelter, yeah, it's somewhere around there. I think that's it there

Yeah, that's it. Then the gardens up the way from there Go to shelter as the Rolling Stones once said give me shelter. Hey Hey, yes. Hey, do you like that one? No, I do it to please you. That was off, that was really really poor compared to the rockery around the clock. Poor, I'll show you. The rockery around the clock was much better. Rockery around the cockery. Right and then yes, Exby Gardens up this way as well. So yeah we're on the right way, there's a little bridge there, look at that. Do you like that Eli, Do you like a bridge? I like a little bridge. There's a little bridge. The ornate bridge we were talking about.

No the other one's a rustic. I guess that would be ornate. Look see. Can I go up here? Take a picture and all this shit so people can see the wonder of our walk today. This walk. We'll get in the Japanese shelter. All right then as the Americans once said. Hey All right then as the Americans once said hey satire I'm sitting lower now. I see a more full of gags today mate satire sat lower Sat higher sat higher sat lower Why this is our best material I want to see where it goes. I like this little river. That is a lovely little bridge, isn't it?

Oh, I wish my phone wasn't charging. I'd be taking pictures left, right and centre. I'm taking some pictures. Yeah, sloppy pictures. Careless pictures. I'm not taking this from you today. Just like Wham, you take careless pictures. Whispers. Woo! They've really fallen off since the rockery man. Hey look rockery was gold. Cockery was gold.

Capital gold that's where they play rock around the clock on. Nice work. You shouldn't accept that. Cockery around the rockery. I believe the drink has now finally kicked in. It fucking has hasn't it. Is what's happening here mate. Is that naked martinez mate?

You know what's weird? Usually when I get drink I get horn. I don't have it. What do you have instead? Like a calm pleasantness. Oh that's good. I'm glad you're high. With anger. With anger. There's a little squirrel coming right for us mate.

He's giving me the eye. He is. He just realised I'm talking about him. He decided on the best course of action. He's had the measure of us. You remember those fucking aggy squirrels at- Oh yeah, in a- And pigeons, they were gold as green. Yeah.

They fucking went for ya. There's a- there's a bridge. You go over the bridge, where's the guard- the Japanese garden? Here. Thank you. That way. Oh yeah. Wonderful, thank you very much.

Here we go, see? The kindness of strangers. We've got to go round though because there's a gate and shit now. Oh it's alright. Jack and you can open the gate with your hands. I think I might be able to manage it, it depends on the extent. Oh there's a lovely little space, oh there's a family there. Oh it's very, there's lovely little places of calm. It's a lovely park I have to say, you're right.

You know what, we went from a place of death and... To a place of life. To a place of like calm and tranquility maybe that's why i'm not feeling horny i'm feeling too tranquil well people say that i didn't i find the cemetery quite tranquil and calming yeah but it's also a reminder of the inevitability of where we all go and you're surrounded by that inevitability yeah i guess guess yeah. But look there's a doggy walking, I think we saw a doggy dropping tods. Oh don't remind me of that please. Is that another bowling green there? That is the one we saw when we came in. I keep doing that don't I? I keep going to the other side of an object and going is that a different object?

That is the third time today you've done that. Is this a different place altogether? No it's just the other side. It's a different perspective of where we were. I don't know why I'm being done that. It's not. Is this a different place altogether? No it's just the other side, it's a different perspective of where we were. I don't know why I'm being like that, I'm usually alright on directions and stuff. But you've had like what is it eight lagers since we've been here? Stop gaslighting me! I have not had eight lagers. Oh see this is pretty. This is the Japanese Garden. No this is Sexby Gardens. We missed the Japanese Garden. I didn't. They were in it, those strangers. No they said it was there where the purple flowers were. It's to the north let's see if we can get around this side. Wait you don't know where we're going. We know this is Sexby right? Yeah baby. I remember that. 999 Sexby Avenue. Nice, very nice. Okay now we're on the rockery.

It's like a guy, a policeman who works in Vice. Where does he live? 999 Sexby Avenue. Oh, look at this. Toilets, Sexby. See, it's this way. It says behind us. Sexby Gardens, Japanese Gardens. It's behind us where we've just come. And then there's the thing.

Let's go round. I like Sexby Gardens anyway. Let's go Sexby Gardens. Let's go Sexby Gardens. This is descending now. Into what? Just the normal nonsense. Comedy Gold, mate.

Yes, I think so. Comedy Gold is what it is. And we are the masters of comedy. Police would let the police, Paul. They would not believe me. What? When I told them I wrote my autobiography on flypaper. I think I'll wait.

Didn't you do this gag already on the podcast? Yeah, I'm just... You want to do it again? Road-shopping. They didn't believe me, Paul, when I told them I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. Didn't you do this gag already on the podcast? Yeah I'm just workshopping. You want to do it again? They didn't believe me Paul when I told them I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. Yeah. But that's my story and I'm sticking to it. It's nice, it's a good, it's not your gag is it? And by workshopping it do you mean just saying it exactly the same as your first, as the first time? I think they delivered more clearly. Yeah, true. They had more polish. They had more clarity that I think. So with all that being said. Here is Sexby Gardens. Yeah, take a left.

I don't know why. This reminds me actually of, funnily enough, Golders Hill that has similar sort of paved gardens. Beautiful. What should we do? Right now? Find somewhere else to to drink more gin. That's where I'm into.

I've got another desperado. Can you dedicate another gin to Mr. Gannon? Absolutely, no. Of course. And will you be my best friend forever? One, two, three. It looks like I'm destined to be involved for at least another few years with you. Months.

Errr... Oh, there's a dog looking out the pond. Licking out the pond. It's licking out the pond, innit? It's l dog looking out the pond. Licking out the pond. It's licking out the pond, isn't it? It's licking out of the pond. Yeah. Licking out the pond. I mean, there's another thing you could say

which doesn't have any of those connotations. I don't hear any connotations, mate. It seems like it's your mucky mind. Licking out the pond. How long have you been recording for? You said, you all heard him say licking out the pond. What's this say? I can't see

shit nine minutes is that too long is this too long have we been going too long yeah ten years ten years ten years I you know when next week's the award structurally unsound yeah because they've fenced off parts of Sexby Gardens. Feels like the whole of Sexby Gardens is permanently fenced off from me. Anyway, little musing there. I was just going to say. Only joking.

It's the awards next week as well. No, I am totally sexless. I am. The Golden Loams Awards next week. Are we being frank? I'm afraid of turning up and not having any award to go home with. We're not going to win an award. We already won the World Cup of comedy podcasts.

I know, but... Is that not enough for you? It's nice. It was very nice. This is industry bullshit. I know. And the point is to go have a presence and just be a bit pissed up. I'd love to win something though.

Just once in my life I'd like something I'd make to win something though. And just be a bit pissed up. You know, I'd love to win something though. Just once in my life I'd like something I'd make to be acknowledged. We won the World Cup. Yeah. Are you saying that wasn't a proper thing? That was voted for by real people, real listeners. Yeah. Whereas this isn't, is it? This is industry.

This is peers and industry. This is bullshit. They're not peers. It's bullshit. Anyway, can I just say one more thing? I also would like to win, don't get me wrong. But can I just say one more thing what I also would like to win don't get me wrong but can I just say one more thing Paul the categories that we're nominated in even if we won for what best theme tune no best earworm which is like music in a podcast which to be fair if we win it's for something for Noiseland's

music well it's really Noiseland's award, isn't it? But then the other one is Shower Not a Grower, which actually, which you haven't explained to me. It's about the podcast that, it's hard to explain without reading it off their website, but effectively it's like, exactly, the ones that have formulated an audience around their podcast, that might not be huge numbers,

but has this nice respect for audience and content creators and the back and forth. A good relationship between, but that's what I honestly, but I honestly think out of all of them, that's a really good one I would like to win. Okay. It shows you that we wouldn't be doing this 10 years in. About you guys. Without everyone who listens.

I don't know if you like the word guys, but you people. And support us, whether it's on Patreon, or whether it's they vote. You fucking people. Tell them about Patreon then. Or they give us a review on Twitter or whatever or on Apple pods, you know what I mean?

So that one is actually quite meaningful in a war to win. That's the problem here. I'm getting the horn from the booze, yeah. Oh, this is a role reversal isn't it? This is my fourth day drinking. I'm drinking myself clear. Oh, hat and a fence. We've had, we've had glove on the pole.

That's a hat and a fence. Yeah, what we are, yeah. That's a, hey, do you, offense. Hat offense, hat and a fence. pole. That's a hat on a fence. Yeah, what we want. That's a, hey, do you, offense, offense. Hat offence, hat on a fence. It's a kid's hat on a fence. It's a Chris hat on a fence. No, we had a, we had a glove on a log, didn't we? What was it, a glove on a log and a hat on a fence?

Remember you saw that glove on a pole or something. It was a glove on a pole, it was a glove on a fence. It wasn't a log. It was made of what? It wasn't a glove on a log. Glove on a rope, glove on was a glove or a log. Glove and a roll. Love and an elevator. Glove and a pole hat and a fence. Love in an elevator.

Dude looks like a lady. That didn't fucking age well, did it? That dude looks like a lady. I would have to listen to the lyrics again to understand the context, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that because it was Steven Tyler doing the lyrics. It's probably not aged well no you're right

monster that man. That old Neil Hamburger joke isn't it about that so if you want to listen to that joke listen to his album First of Dismay which you sure you don't have I do not have it mate I literally went through every record I could find in my flat and did a spreadsheet for it. It must have been mine it must be mine then. It's definitely yours you bought it I was actually envious at the time. Anyway, I'll finish it out. I just listened to it on Spotify. What's that endless road tune? Endless road of Kirkleys, talking about Kirkland

Signature. Yeah, which are from Costco because that's their in-store brand. Oh, what's this? Oh, we should wrap this up really, not like the episode I'm still in the groove. But this segment. Forget not my and my garden, how Native American plants found their way to 18th century Britain. Forget not me. M-E-E. Why not me? Is it someone called me? John me? That's how they used to spell me. Don't know, don't care. It's like ye olde me. John Bartram was a farmer and botanist.

In 19... I'm a botanist. Look, it says Canna... Cannalde. Cannalde Bonpartie. He met and corresponded with many important botanical figures of the time between 1699 and 1777. The journey he went from there, the seed boxes they brought over, Peter Cullison haberdashery,

Ching and James Goat race, something like that. You need to cut that out. You're just mumbling. Look at all this expanse, this space. Let's find a place for another drink. The expanse looks dreary. Let's go somewhere else. Where?

This is where we go. No, it's windy as well. Where are we going to go? Is it that bench over there? Up there. By the trees over there. But there's like people. There's more people there.

No there isn't. We'll go out to the right. You fucking get rad on my tits sometimes. Come on Paul. I've got instincts for this. I've got what's known as park cred. Basic instincts. Are you going to show me your beaver with your basic instincts?

I've got park cred, yeah? Yeah. Like street rep. Like a park rep. Park life. Are you going to show me your beaver with your basic instincts? I've got park cred, yeah? Yeah. Like street rep. Like a park rep. Park live. Yeah, park cred. Right, hang on, how long is this? 40 minutes.

This is the longest segment we've recorded. I've got park radar. And for what? For what content? Non-content. Non-content? The best thing we've done so far in the last half hour is have a piss. No, it was not.

It was the rockery one. Yeah, and who gave that? Gannon gave that. I think once again once again Gannon is the foundational structure of this podcast that keeps it afloat. What are you? Oh look at that. Oh look at that. Look at that modernist building on the hill there. Well that's very much a building on the hill. Do you want to take a picture of that so when people listen back to this episode and decide to go to our website They can see a picture of the very example you're talking about. I love that building Right, I am losing interest in this in this moment Well, I'm recording because you never know when gold's gonna come out gold's not gonna come out

You know what was slightly golden colored? It was it had a nice caramac colour to it. It f***ing did. It's making me feel unwell. It looked like fibrous caramac. Right, let's just find somewhere to go and drink. Alright, we'll do it. Here you go little microphone. Here you go, sleeping in me bag. Wakey wakeyy it's time to wake up microphone.

Come on don't sneeze in my direction you fucking disease red cretin. Come on out now. Oh shoot. Quiet now. Eli and I are in the park. Peckham ride park. And we've sat down and we think there's cottaging going on. Wow who'd you see go in there? I saw some of them go into there.

Yeah. I thought myself I saw him. One person or two? One but you know it's obviously on the follow you know what I mean? He was just going for a pee? No he was on the follow you can tell by a man's gait if he's on the follow into a stand of bushes, you know what I'm saying? Seems you know a lot about this. I'm number one cottage... You're a cottageing expert. Yes, I like hard rough trade.

A cottage-ophile, is that what you are? No Paul, why do you have to make it like this? I was developing a character, it was really funny. It was really cool the way I was talking. It was in an argot. Jury's out on that one. The jury has come back in, they've had their sandwiches. They've had their coffee.

Vote of no confidence. And they've said, extremely funny. What is your verdict? Extremely funny man. No, they didn't say that. They said guilty, deaf. Hanging by his neck until he is dead. He just wouldn't let me, he wouldn't let it breathe.

He wouldn't let it lie. Anyway, have they come out yet? You have to say that, that's typical of you. No they haven't come out. You know what, come on. Let's go in, let's go in. I know by a man. Let's go in and say we know what you're doing, we know what you're doing.

Can we just get on with the end of the episode please? No, we've got plenty of episode left to come. No. By my reckoning, another two or three hours of this episode is going to happen. To hell. No, I've got stuff in me bag for us to eat. Yay.

Let's be up front with them, though, Paul. We're always up front with our listeners. Update them on the number of naked martinas we've both had. I've had three altogether. I've had three altogether. And then I've had the booze. Oh, my booze drink, don't spill it. And then I've had two of them.

That's it. Unless we actually drink this. And then we've had the big kraken. Unless we take the. Just neck the Angostura. The orifice limiter off this Angostura. That's what they call them. You don't want to drink that neat though, do you?

They do. They have a Trinidad Sidad sour uses like a proper measure It can be done. So what ice sugar? No, it's a sour so it has citrus so it's like Orange or lemon, but they use like an actual ounce of the Angostura bitters. Yeah, that must be fierce well Let's do it. I would drink a shot of this. Shall we do one today? No, but let's not do that. No wait, I've got to get the other candies out. That's how we're going to finish the episode, doing a shot of Hanging Story.

That's how all good podcasts should end, with your presenters just laying low. Oh, we've got a Nick Nips. Nick Nips. You got those to get them from America? No, I got them, look at that price. It's an insult. 450 for muck. Do you know why I got these though? Why? Because I was looking at the pack that was like half the size maybe yeah And that was fucking 399 or something. So you and then I picked up this and he went yeah, there's a better deal there Tick-tock things he's fucking up. I've priced it your prick you price them so it's on you Yeah, but he's saying it's a better deal is a better better deal. Then why not just do a better deal for the smaller pack? Because it has twice as many for only 50p more. Right, but hey, here's the thing.

I am, I'm gonna say at least 90% sure we've done these on the podcast before. No, I'm- And we didn't know how to eat them then. I'll go further. I will up that. Up that. I will up that percentage to 97.5, something like that.

I'm gonna go 98. We definitely have. I'm up in it. We've done these-. I remember thinking, because we ate them wrong. Because they are wax candy, they're wax bottles with liquid juicy Liquid sweetie inside like that juice. What are they called? Liquid juice. Nick and lip. Nick and lip. I'm gonna have to pretend look it up. Nick and lip. So Nick. He said it was a big tip-top thing you look you know I don't believe that for a fucking second And it says bite him drink him churn so all right bite the top off and then Lick it. What should I put in my search term?

Put Nick lips Put Nick and lips in nickel well it says ll You know like rock and roll, but this this is Nick ill nip eight pack bottles artificially flavoured mini drinks. How many is that for £9.50? About the same. Oh yeah because it's £4.50 delivery. That's the one. That's the bottle. It's four you can get for £2.70. Yeah well that's over done that where shall I look oh Wikipedia here we go what does it say fucking hate this yeah it's too big read it out man Nick L nip Nick Nick L nip nickel nip is a brand of you can say how you like

sounds like a graveyard name Nicholas lip. Can you calm down? Nipple lick vaginal lick. Yes, vaginal. Laffy, laffy, lip-lap. Laffy, lip-lap. You're feeling the gin, man. The gin just hit me. Good. I'm glad everyone's in a good mood. So, can you stop though? Please. Read. I'm trying to do a thing and it doesn't... Make the man make words happen. Make them happen, man. Man, make words come out of... I'm gonna. I can. I still can. You're lightweight. Now, it's a brand of confectionery created by Vinny Cavallo.

Vinny Cavallo? In the early 20th century. This is interesting. Early 20th century? Well... Early... What has become become of you man? I'm having mental health issues up the wazoo mate. A lot of it is to do with the words you can't say properly. So anyway 20th century this was invented yeah? Mate you're gonna love this next sentence you are. I love it. It comes in a variety of fruit flavors marketed by Tootsie Roll Industries. Oh Tootsie Roll you say. They're a big American confectionery. What is a Tootsie Roll? I've never cut to the bottom of this. It's a little fudge chocolate

basically isn't it? A wrapped chocolate. That's right how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll? Because I think it has something in the middle. This is weird I did not think they were an old thing but they are ancient. That's why they're weird waxy bullshit. I see that though, the colour on those images look a lot brighter and sharper than the ones in the actual pack, which are quite pastily impaled. They are, you're absolutely right. Thank you, I am.

Do you know why that is? Because this fucking non-entity that took this photo has put the saturation right up. That's what it is. I hate that. Just when they put saturation up on every photo, just to... I'm with ya. Do you know what I mean? I'm with ya. Why would you do that? Prick. You're ruining reality. Cause you're prick.

Come on. The Nick Helm Nip brand isn't... Nick Helm? The Nick Helm Nip brand? Nick Helm Nippleip. Stop trying to say Nick Helm just cause he's our mate or whatever. Nick if you're listening mate. He's not listening. You need to brand this up the wazoo. He was lying about that. He does listen. Because he was specific about a few references. The Nick Helm's nickel lip brand candy. Nipple lick brand. I would buy that.

That was like a chapstick thing. Nick Helm's nipple lick brand. Yeah, nipple lick brand. If you lick out ponds. You said that. You said that. You fucking sit. It's gone big again. Shut up, we're getting through this article man. Do it. You've got all the time in the world mate. Oh fucking hell. Go on. Alright, sorry, I'm getting a bit hay fever. What is this candy? I'm getting to it. You're not the Nick Elnip brand don't stop saying that stop okay I'm just gonna say the brand yeah okay the brand yeah name is a shut the fuck up the brand name no honestly shut up stop laughing fuck sake the brand name is a combination of the original cost, a nickel, and the candy's resemblance... resemblance... I did it! I did it!

Resemblance! Call me a resemblance! Resemblance to miniatures of alcohol. Nick...nickel... Nickel? What? Nickel is a lick. No hang on. Miniatures of alcohol known in some regions as nips. Yeah like you take a nip. Oh okay yeah. It's just a nip in the bottle. So it's a nickel of a lip. It makes sense mate. The name may also come. What do you mean may also? They don't know. They don't know the etymology of a brand name.

It's the early 20th century isn't it? They don't know Coca-Cola for sure. I've been watching this thing about the Coca-Cola company. Fucking hell. They are evil fuckers who rewrote their own history. Dear Coca-Cola, if you're listening, you need to get your shit together for that orange creme. Mate, yes, thank you for bringing that up. I was just about to go. Thanks for the callback. That's fright, Mr Coca-Cola, we know about your fucking dirty history, that is fright, and unless you bring, unless you fucking forthwith, I'll go so far as to say forthwith bring the fucking orange creme, the name, candy's resemblance to minutes of alcohol sometimes sounds like, oh yeah we're still doing this,

the name may also come from a preferred method of opening the wax bottles, can you guess? Which is to nip, brackets bite, the top off. It has a fruity tasting liquid flavouring inside of it. Once the top of the small bottle shaped wax containers have been bitten off, one can drink the fruit flavoured syrup inside. Shall we do this now? Yeah, finally. Have we got enough background there? Yeah, that's enough. We've covered the basics. Which flavour nip did Nick nick Nick nick?

I would like to lick your tip. Oh, look at that's enough. We've covered the basics. Which flavour nip-a-din-nick-nick-nip-nip? I would like to lick your tip. Look at that basket thing. We should take a picture of this before we open it quick. Toot-sweet, toot-sweet mahani, toot-toot, toot-sweet mahani, ooo-oo. I can't wait to get the music back on. Toot-sweet, toot-sweet mahani, a jiggly-woo, a jiggly-wow. A jiggly-wow, yes. A jiggly-woo-witty-how, a zibb-bib-bap, a mouth-row, a jiggly wow. A jiggly wow, yes.

A jiggly woo with a how, a jiggly bib bab, I'm out your row. A zip dab, a jiggly boob. You like your scat then? I love out your row, I'm going for all his albums, I'm loving them. Can we have him put some on, mate? After we do this. Put some roof garden on, that's the fucking classic.

Well, just tell me tunes and I'll go for it, because I do like that stuff as well. Ba da da da, ba da da, ba da da da, ba da da da, yeah, great stuff. Right, what flavor of Nick and Nick do you want? I will go with that purple one at the end. Or pink, whatever you want to call it. Don't put your nose right on it when I'm about to touch it with my tongue. Right, you can have that purple one then.

Okay? No, just give me that. You see, you don't care really, do you? Because I want to fuck you. Exactly. Think how much our fluids would mix there. What is this actually made of? This wax?

Is it real wax? Does it say wax on it? It's not edible. No, I know, but what I'm saying is, is this actually made of? This wax? Is it real wax? Does it say wax on it? It's not edible. No, I know but what I'm saying is is it made of wax? Does it say wax? It's wax with juice in. Refined wax. What does refine mean? It's paraffin. It's gone because it wears a tuxedo and goes to all the best dinner parties. Yes, it's a cut above. Wow. So you know, like the tin. These trousers are so bright. They are neon green. They are so bright, these trousers. Like pale green. Do you remember in the late 90s,

I know I've said this before. Oh, I remember. When lime green came in. Yeah. And it was like, do you remember that? I never remember lime green until lime green came in. I'm biting the nipping the knot. So, you bite the tip.

Shall I have a green one? That's up to you. Why do you go for that good one, man? Well, you can get the other good one if you want. You can try as many of these as you want. I think this is gonna be disgusting anyway. It's gonna to you. Why do you go for that good one then? Well you can get the other good one if you want. I think this is going to be disgusting anyway. It's going to be shit. So we bite the tip off where the cap would be in this design and then we suck. Yeah?

Because I remember eating this like it was meant to be a chewy candy. No that wasn't good. It was all wax. But here we go. I like. That is horrible. I like it. Why has it got a cherry?

This must be cherry because this has got a cherry smokey note to it. It's like one of the original sort of toy, it's like half a toy because there's a certain, it's a thing to get the thing out. It's like a, it reminds me as well of the way kids would suck on ice, what were those ice pop things? Freeze pops. Freeze pops, you know what I mean? It's that, you sort of suck it and you've got a delayed gratification with getting the sweet out You know you have to do a little work We've talked about work to reward ratio with food stuff like nuts before haven't we? Yeah like pistachios We said that's work not enough not you think pistachios too much too much work. You're going against what you I'm allowed to change my mind. Okay. Do you still think that? No, we said before let me just remind you I'm pretty sure I've always been on that pistachios are too much hard work. No, no, no

Walnuts are way too much hard fucking work. We both agree with that. But let me say, I just want to say your previous position to make it clear. Your previous position was, because this came up when we were tasting taco flavoured sunflower seeds. If you remember.

Why would I? And we said there was not enough sunflower seed reward to ratio opening those fuckers But then we said pistachios got the perfect balance and you were in agreement then and I think if you reconsider right now You would also agree, but you won't because you can't ever back down especially when we're recording. I can see it and I back down That's how I get through a day Yeah, to make me wrong about that. Yeah, that's how I get through a day Any tissues I might have hang up in me back pocket, so you don't even want another one of those They're not very satisfying in any respect

Honestly mate, there's nothing rewarding about that snack at all. It's horrible gooey slurp Syrup and then horrible wax. There you go. Right, I tell you what, let's take a quick break before we do the other snack and I can... Just a tiny one, just a tiny one to break it up. This is already like 15 minutes. That flew past. Yeah it did. Time flies when you're having fun. Oh you're going out! Don't, you don't want to put this in. Why are we back? Oh, my elastic bands broke off.

Oh no. Now you can hear the rattle in the hum of me little holder. I'm going to get a mark for the nick and nips. Oh yeah, that's a one out of five. You know what, I didn't see what they're supposed to be in a TikTok thing. Yeah, you didn't get that point out. I don't believe it's a TikTok thing, mate. See also. No, there's no TikTok craze.

You've brought that up in your brain. I don't like them. They're horrible. Oh, here we go. Oh, good. One final point. The wax in Nick Elnip wax food, wax bottles is food grade and not toxic.

Although it's meant to be chewed but not swallowed. Gross. It's stupid, isn't it? But it is like a toy thing, isn't it? It's meant to be chewed but not swallowed. Gross. It's stupid, isn't it? But it is like a toy thing, isn't it? It's gross. I don't see the point of it. It's like a precursor to chewing gum, almost.

You chew the wax. I quite like chewing gum. Chewing gum is satisfactory to some extent. But this is just, it's empty. It's an empty snack. There's no fun in it. You don't like the fun of squeezing the juice into your mouth.

No, because the juice is unsatisfactory. It's a bit of a mess now. You've got another one, haven't you? We've got a bit of gambling on the show. I know you oppose that, Paul. You've got him. You took him off me. You must have took him off me. I don't have him. I'm too drunk to play Bellatro. That's all right. That's not pertinent to what we're doing right now,

which is striking, hot comedy content. Oh, it's everyone run out of steam. Where have you put your snap? You took him off me. You took him off me, see? Right. Sour Punch Pickle Ruler. You haven't photoed over these, right?

No. Fucking take a photo. I can't because it's still charging. Take a fucking photo. I'll have a little drink while he's doing that. How much charge have you got? Errr. Oh God, don't put that grout on it.

I'm keeping it all in. People need to see us raw. That grout really was from the depths. It was really bad. It was a gutter monkey, wasn't it? Listen, here's a little personal detail, a little personal colour. I had a kebab last night, didn't finish it, it was a mixed oner, cheesy chips. Oh, a mixed oner. Hi. Donner, cheesy chips. And I basically ate the lamb Donner part last night and then passed out and it was in my room. This is your hero talking by the way. For breakfast I had the remaining chicken Donner bit. It's being efficient, I don't want to waste the food. Look see,

taking a picture, sour punch. Happy now. But please don't let that put you off me. Who, me? I'm talking to the listener now. Oh, and maybe a potential suitor or mate. Is that what you're saying? No, I'm just saying... Are you saying that to potential suitors or mates, please ignore, strike it from the record?

If I was in a relationship, I obviously wouldn't behave like that. I think you would. I think it goes... I'd put a kebab at the end of my bed and then finish it off. That's pure single man behavior. Yeah, but you've got bad habits now, haven't you? I could drop them if I was getting Pada to ask. It's like darling, Eli, my love, my love, please move the kebab between us. Please move them out of the way, darling. Now I'll get confused which is the fucking kebab. Where's your fucking... Err, kebab. Err, fucking... All right, mate. Meaty Peter.

Meaty Peter! I'm not... Hello, I'm Meaty Peter. It's a fucking chilli sauce on that, love. We're doing this next thing anyway. It's called Sour Punch Pickle Roulette. Test to taste your odds. Pickle-flavoured straws hidden in every pack.

What's that? Oh, dog owners, man. That's the same dog. I'm gonna kick that dog in the head, knock it out. So there is green apple, lemon lime, watermelon and pickle. I don't know where the roulette thing comes from because I think it's just all in a bag and they all look the same color and one of them might be pickle. One of them's pickle, that's the roulette thing. Then let's play now. There's no spinner, no. Let's play this game. Let's play this game of life. You want to know what I bet? Paul gets a pickle and I get something tasty nice. Do you want to go first, then?

It always happens. It always happens with us. They look like what they call those red laces. Yeah, they're all green. Right, I'm going to pick... They're powdered. I'll pick this one. That one underneath, that is definitely going to be the pickle. Hold the other one. Oh, there's two here.

You didn't get the one you went for originally. Oh, fuck it. I'll have that one. I'll have this one. They're probably the same... I know this is pickle already. I smell pickle on this as well. Maybe they're all pickle.

Let's go. That's the joke. Oh, this is pickle. This is apple. This is pickle. I told you, actually. I don't know what this is now. I actually don't know.

Let's taste the other end of yours. You have that one. I thought it was pickle, but now I'm not sure. That's not pickle. What is it? What are the other flavors again? Apple and? Oh, that's...

Lime, lemon lime. That's lime. Yours is lime and I think mine is apple No, I want to try this other one Pickle you didn't get a pickle straight away. That's apple. That's lime Is this pickle watermelon is the other one is this pickle? I don't know is it this one feels like apple. Well, it's apple there Is it pickle? No, you taste the pickle immediately. But they all smell a bit pickly. Yeah keep going till you get a pickle. That was apple. I'm doing two now

I've got two here. Oh that's definitely apple the one I just had. I think this is apple. Right next one. Apple. There's any pickles in there? Well, here's another couple. This is going to take forever. We can't eat a whole bag of these. Well, you just have a bite of them. Just have a bite. Don't eat the whole lot. Is it pickle?

Yeah. Is that pickle? Let me have a go of that one. Here we go. That's pickle. Yeah. There you go. We've found it.

Oh, that's pickle. I think that's quite nice. I mean, oh, that's pickle. It's got the shitty pickle thing. It's like a bit mean it's got that yeah the shitty pickle it's like a bit of rot that's very much pickle it's very pickle oh dear well goodbye everyone forever oh god it's really I'm gonna eat this one. It's very aromatic. It's really good. Very flowery.

No, I mean the pickle. No, I like it. It's sort of getting in your... It's not flowery. It's not... Is this... I put another pickle in my mouth. I need to smoke more.

I need to smoke more. You've put it all in your mouth. Right, well that's the Cheap Show content done today. And it's now time to meaning like, er... Have sex in the bushes. Have sex in the bushes. Have sex in the bushes. Well there's been a whole number of dogs we've done a very professional job but whilst we've been recording this last segment there's been dogs coming up

sniffing our bags running around giving us the eye, yeah, snuffing us, snuffing around. Teasing us, beckoning us with its dirty brown eyes. I know we get to dog f***ing. Come on dude. The way you just say that, it's an eventuality. Eventuality? It is with you, it is. Well done, you used that word correctly.

Yeah but I've never actually f***ed a dog, I want that on the record. That's fine, I believe you on that. Nor, even in jest, do I entertain the idea of penetrating a dirty dog bumhole? Happy about that! I know for one moment I imagine pinning down a collie holding its fucking head on the ground and sticking my erect growling penis up its fucking a fucking delicate pink bumhole stop oh that's it you get your hair a bit out and lo it looked like dog bumhole from a distance

ah right he's tossing his rig around right well what began as a slightly morally boghassed episode descended into fucking drunken madness I'm sorry I'm so sorry oh no I'm very sad oh he's throwing it at me and I grabbed it look at the fucking reflexes on that I'm gonna toss it back to him here we go right let's take a break from the living. Clear this mess up, mate.

Your mess, not mine. Bye. Right, well, the sun's gone down past the yard arm and a little chill's setting. It's still a lovely day in Peckham Rye Park and we're about to set off now and get our journey home. That'd be right. I've been out of the park all day. We're ready to go now.

Yeah so we're off now get the old sickly thrill. Shower! I'll see the shower. You're gonna go see the shower. Oh no. Anyway, Eli's been smoking some crack cocaine. So now we're off to get our bus. Don't say that, people will believe that.

That's because it's true. Everything I say on this podcast is 100% true. With no lies or fabrications or exaggerations. Are you ready to set off now Paul? Because you're boring me. You're boring me. You're boring me. You're boring me. No, you went into one of those boring things just then. Everyone knows, no one knows what you just said.

I know what I said. What did you just say? Boring. Boring stuff. Look at that little cloud that's still there. Oh, that little wisp. Eli thinks it's a puddle or something. No, all I'm saying is when you see a very small cloud, isolated as it is in the sky. You think a puddle disappears, or a pond? I think that was like a small pond.

A whole pond goes up in the air. The output gas. You think whoop, it goes right up to the air. What do you think? You think once there's a pond, and then shoop, up into the air. You can shoop like that. Very much like an ice dildo would,

if it was some kind of spring. All right, OK, well, you've embarrassed yourself. You've embarrassed yourself and me. That's what's so bad. We've got to get to the bus now. Which bus are we getting? 63 up towards Farringdon. I'll just say one thing. It's the after-pod party on the fucking bus. Pah-pah-ding-dong-ba-doo.

Like when we were... Where were we? On the Thames Clipper. And then we were on a bus for seven hours. It's happening again. It's happening again, mother. Come on love, get your bag. I've got the trash. And you've got all your gubbins. Well you take your time love, don't you worry about it, you. Listen, I've been good on the picnic aspect of this. I bought the blankie, the blankie was good, I bought a fucking tea towel, which two moppages I did, and three packy bags. And not only am I recycling, I'm making it a much smoother experience for you. I will say this, Eli's been absolutely on point when it comes to picnic accoutrements,

and I can only honestly give him 10 out of 10 for the day. And I didn't even drink that vimto, I'm a sucker for special edition vimto's man. Yeah, although we have polished off a right fair chunk of bitters and gin. Well the bitters are so... And rum and... A few drops, that's the point even though it's something is legally non-alcoholic even if it's got point yeah half a percent of

alcohol yeah like kombucha yeah where's my sunnies no my head on your head Oh granddad I haven't otherwise I would have said so wouldn't I haven't done that granddad fuck you. Grandaddy like, oh where are me glasses? No it's not, the gate's here, the gate's here. That's why we're coming out this way, because that's where the gate is. So now we're going to head towards the bus. At this point in the podcast...

63 all the way to Snowhill. Only the listener right now knows more than me and you. Because they can once again look at their running time of how much is left of the podcast and go oh oh another two hours of this No, there wouldn't be, even if there was there wouldn't be For us living it right now we don't know what's left of this podcast I think

What a weirdly existential issue I could make a prediction though, Paul at this point in time and I would say about five minutes probably I'm going to go more like tens of fifteen Really? You're to 15 because I'm thinking we're gonna do a bus thing and then we'll probably do a bit where we split up near Farringdon right and so I think that'd be a good can you just turn it off now can I yeah it's hard to walk and talk after Eli's been smoking the crack cocaine just just shocking I had to

sky-high cry oh my friend. Although there was a lovely Pish and Impossible spot wasn't there? Almost built for it. It was my park cred that actually solved that problem as well. Again on point, on point, on point. On point. So now we're going to leave the park and get out of the way. Oh well done, look he loves this. In the bin. And now we're looking for the 63. That's the 363 but that's not what we want. I don't know what side of the road it must be the other side yeah quick. Right okay right we'll see you a bit later when we know what we're doing. So we're on the 63 and ooh la la.zy. Oh la la. It's really good, look got headrests with

the the London Transport Rondell on it embossed on the headrest. What about the faux wood? The faux wood I'm not so sure about. Do you know what I mean? It's a strange choice isn't it to have the faux wood grain planks like bare faux. Right just in terms of the quality of the sort of the fabric and both the headrests all have an individual stop button. So every we're at the front so we haven't got we've got usbs but no stop buttons. It's all very exciting. I'll take the microphone off and have it off. So this journey. Now it's time for Paul to go blah blah blah blah calm down this is like night bus and during the day Paul fuck me it's like a Dave Bussan episode when we got those mystery muppets bags oh yeah that was good it's a deep cut

deep cut anyway so we're on the bus and I think it's about 40 minutes between here and far in the air yeah we're going right up past, think about where we're going from where we are on the bus. That's why I'm surprised it said just take the 63 to Farringdon. Because you think it would be deep down like like status quo we're down down deeper and down. There's the 12 look see Hawk the 12. Look at the clock house tavern that's nice. Where's the clock house? There's the tavern. This is Peckham ride with this is the parking room.

So we're on the bus now, having a lovely little ride and a nice place to calm down after our day. It's pretty hot though, isn't it? I'm all right, I feel all right. You do look a bit unhealthy. Shut the... I knew you were going to start on this. I noticed this when we were walking up that hill at the graveyard at the beginning, where you looked visibly out of breath and having difficulty with the incline.

Whatever. Sports, two words, sports. Sports day. Three words. Cheap show. Is that Cheap Show one word? Cheap Show sports day. Three words. All right. And then we'll see who's in shape and who's not, Mr. Being in the Gym. That's Eli. If you wanna know what special day that will be,

that will be the day Eli dies on the podcast. Literally, keels over. We'll see. Having a massive stroke. Oh, a massive stroke is it now? Yeah. You've upgraded. What do you wanna to die of?

Eh? Old age. Like everybody else who's had a nice long life, Paul. I mean, you're pretty old, aren't you? Can you start with... This was a nice bus ride a second ago. You started it. You...

Hey! Ah! Anyway, let's calm down and just enjoy this bus ride now for a little bit. And we'll see you in a bit. Calm down. If we get tossed off on the bus tossed off the bus because you can't behave then I'll have words all right I'll have words it's called it's called yeah it's-podcast, that's exactly what it's called. Ex-per-ate, exp-asp-er-ation.

Ex-asp-er-ation. Ex-asp-er-ation. Mate, your mouth has come untethered from your vocal abilities and you need to look at that. You need to look at that. It's all been a bit tragic today, hasn't it really? You often say the exact opposite word of the one you mean and you don't know. It's all gone a bit tragic today, hasn't it really? You often say the exact opposite word of the one you mean and you don't notice. It's all gotten a bit tragic today.

I was going to enjoy this bus ride. I'm going to enjoy it now. People are going to get ants. I'm going to do it now. People get weird looks. They already do. No. I can't believe we act like this in public.

It's pathetic. You're pathetic. Oh now, what is this with the constant attacks? Self-loathing, mate. I love you. Good, I love you too. Let's just turn this off. Bye-bye, everyone. How long was that bit? 18 days, something like that.

We're doing it again. I told you we would do it again. Bloody hell. It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. We're going to switch to diversion. Switch on, bro. Switch on. Switch to diversion.

Do you think we should get off here? Because he said diversion, and I don't know when the diversion kicks in. He would tell us before. What stops this? This is the one before the one we're getting off at. I'm frightened. You've put me on edge. It's the next stop.

We were having a lovely journey, to be honest. That was a lovely bus journey. Just have a walk. Further if you'd like to. Mate. You're walking anyway. I'm just saying, had a lovely journey and now I'm on edge. We stopped doing that because that's greatly annoying.

Now it's gone quiet. I like it. So we're getting off next. Next stop is Snow Hill. Snow Hill. Snow Hill. Why don't we just, you're getting on the wrong road. What are you doing? It's got a station.

Yeah, Snow Hill. Why don't we just get off at Farringdon Station? Because I need to go... I don't understand why it says get off at... Because I can't get the bus from Farringdon. I better can, actually. Well, it's the next stop off. It's close. This is closer. If you're coming from this way, it's closer to get off at Snow Hill.

Than it is to just get off at Farringdon Station? Yes. That doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem right to me. That seems counterproductive. Why would your app tell you? Why would they put a bus stop further away from the station than the station bus stop? Sometimes it's the way things are.

They misname something. Snow Hill should be called Farringdon Station. You can do what you like. Are you getting off here? Yeah. This is where I, I changed my bus mate. You're getting a second bus? Yeah, I'm getting a three, four, one for this. Is this the end of the episode?

Yeah, this is the end of the episode. All right, I'm getting off the bus. Bear with, here we go. Oh shit. I guess it is, actually, yeah. Eli hasn't even gone off the bus, he's going to close it. Quick, come on, come on, Eli. What did you forget? There was weird detritus.

Detritus? Where are you going now? What bus are you getting? Come on, mate, let's have a look. 341. Yeah, this one, you can get it from here. Here's your bus. Oh, we're saying goodbye. Oh mate what a lovely day out that was. We had a bit of sun, we had a bit of fun. Thanks for supporting the show everyone. I'll say goodbye while you get on the bus. I kind of feel alone now.

Do you want me to get the next one? No, no, no, no, get this bus because you've got a longer journey than me. Go on, go on. You never know when the next one is, do you? Cheers, mate. All right, I love you, bye. See you, man, bye. HE COUGHS Oh, he's gone. He's just left me. I'm all on my own in London and I'm frightened.

This is like a walk to the station as well. Oh he's gone, he's just left me. I'm all on my own in London and I'm frightened. And this is like a walk to the station as well. I uh... I'm frightened. Oh he's waving at me in the bus. I'm frightened! I can't hear that. I guess I... I don't know. I don't like it. I'm without my co-host. He just left me. Well, I guess that's all for me to say goodbye then. So, that was it for Cheap Show this week. I don't know really what we thought we'd achieve with this week's episode, but there we go.

If you support us on Patreon, but there we go. If you support us on Patreon, thank you very much. And if you'd like to support us on Patreon, it is patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. And if you want pictures or links to anything about Cheap Show at all and links to all our social media, thecheapshow.co.uk. I'm just going to walk to Farringdon then on my own. Eli's bus is going past again. He's both bye bye, bye bye, bye bye Eli. It was all so sudden. Aww. Alright, I'm going to say bye bye now too then. Take care, see you next week on

Cheap Show. Bye bye.