CheapShow - Ep 434: Cemetery Men (Stereo Edition)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Errr, what? You start with a change. I always bloody start episodes. It's boring. I know you always bloody start, but watch. I'll try and start, wait, and the interruption's about to come. It's about to come, Paul, and that's why you've, I'm like damaged. So what, you're interrupting me? Here we go, here we go! So what, you're interrupting me or I'm interrupting you? You're interrupting me. I'm like a damaged child.

Starting point is 00:00:23 Oh. I'm a vulnerable child after this. Boo hoo, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show, boo hoo. Shut up, no. No, start again. Start again. Stop chasing the mic more. I need mic access.

Starting point is 00:00:37 Hello everyone. Eli Silverman, are you ready for another Walkabout episode of Cheap Show with my co-host and founder and episode of Cheap Show with my co-host and founder and creator of Cheap Show. It's Paul Gannon everybody. Hello I just want to say a big thank you to Eli for inviting me along today for this episode. I've been a big fan of the podcast for years. I've always wanted to be a part of it. You know I've worked behind the scenes as a kind of silent partner if you will but thank you after all these years to come forward and just become a part of Cheap Show lore. It's such a gift. Such a gift. He doth demur. Now, Paul, where are we off to today? I'll tell you. We are going to one

Starting point is 00:01:17 of the big seven cemeteries. We've been to Highgate before before have we been to Highgate on the pod have we been to any of them Kensil Rise we went to go to that and then we were late because we got drunk oh yes well we won't be getting drunk till after we've been to the cemetery today it's one of the big seven it's called Nunhead I can think of two places my favorite kind of blowjob that I was gonna say like let me just do a more complete version of that okay I can think of two places... That's my favourite kind of blowjob, that. I was going to say... Let me just do a more complete version of that, OK? I can think of two places in Britain with nun like that. Nunhead and Nun Eaton.

Starting point is 00:01:53 Which, if you think about it, could both be descriptions of Italian nun porn, basically, couldn't they? Ooh, I had nun eatin' my cock! Yeah. She was giving me some nun heads, so you can see... Yeah, I got some nun head last night. Yeah, she was nun eatin' my cock. She was giving me some nun head. Yeah I got some nun head last night. Yeah she was nun eating my cock. Got into a bad habit with that. Now I have to do this joke mate, I have to do this joke. My friend Adam Hampton who also did the beats for the teen yeti music wrote this ok. So no one steal it steal it but you know I'm just gonna you can't interrupt over fucking hell mate let me just stay give me a sec

Starting point is 00:02:35 give me a sec I was in the police station the other day the police just would not believe that I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. But I said that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Nice, oh that's very good. Thank you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Yeah, it's alright. It's a bit Ken Dodd that one to be fair, innit? It's a little bit, but it's almost there. The set up is a little bit convoluted. But to do that sort of double pun, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Autobiography written on flypaper. Do you see me? That's good.

Starting point is 00:03:12 Anyway, hello everyone. I'm in a decent mood even though I'm ravished by the boos I've done over the weekend. Paul's had a heavy weekend. We're going to go to Nunhead and look at the dead. Woohoo! So that's what we're doing this week. I've got a drink for me. You've got one bottle of drink for you. I can pick some more up, can't I, when we're out? No, it's fine. I'm just saying, you've got a drink. I've got ice.

Starting point is 00:03:42 Look, it's a lovely day. I'll run away. Don, it's a lovely day. I've got ice. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll run away. Don't run away from me. Come back. One last thing I do have. Stop it, you're too close. One last thing I do have is the picnic mat.

Starting point is 00:03:59 All right, well thanks for that. Anyway, so yeah, it's a lovely day today. So I don't want to be in the studio. So there's no plan. We're just out and about. Studio? Just a studio line, yeah. It is our studio.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Alright, it's either of our bedroom at any one time, but it's still a studio. Hey, look, the point is, we're going out and about today, we thought it would be lovely, why don't you come along with us and see what we get up to? We don't know, it's a mystery to us as well. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens! Let's see what we get up to. We don't know, it's a mystery to us as well. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Oh when's the train? Probably in about 10 minutes now. All right okay cool we better get ready. What's the destination on the train? Seven Oaks. Seven Oaks. So we're going to Nunhead on the overland from oh yeah we're at Blackfri, we haven't mentioned that. That noise you can hear is all the traffic around Blackfriars, we're actually under the bridge.

Starting point is 00:04:49 Blackfriars is a station that they rebuilt recently to be on the bridge itself. The bridge is the station and the station is the bridge. And you mentioned that when we were at Brighton and we talked about it that time. Okay, well I sometimes am recursive, I sometimes repeat myself. Sometimes that's the best way to get information through to people, you know that Paul? To keep going on and on and on and on and on and emphasizing. I am actually walking away now. Right, we're off, we'll see you a little bit later on but until then let's get this

Starting point is 00:05:18 party started. Good intro, very good intro. Not bad at all, well good. Well done. Yeah. Hello everybody, it's Cheap Showtime. My name's Paul, yes that's mine. But what's his name? I'll let you guess. It's Eli J. Silverman, the top of the best.

Starting point is 00:05:34 Hey everybody, it's Cheap Showtime. That little old show that's always on fire. I'm Eli Silverman, who's that over there? I won't let you guess, because I'll tell you it is Hawkeye. Cheap Showtime. Cheap is Organa! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Woohoo!

Starting point is 00:05:52 Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Woohoo! Hey everybody, it's Chief Showtime! It's the time of the week, we're at your damn mice! Oh yeah! My name is Organ and that's Silver Moon! Eli J, what you say? Come on and come ride it!

Starting point is 00:06:08 Yeah! You say you're good, you say you're out of time! Oh! Pop! Pop! You say you're good, you say you're out of time! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:06:17 Oh! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Chief Showtime! Woohoo! Chief Showtime! Is that alright? It was okay. Right, that's it. We've jumped on the train, we're off the train.

Starting point is 00:06:43 Yeah, I know, you have to mind it, that's why they say. Could have lost you now there. Honestly, I felt like I was going to get swallowed up by the gap there. Anyway, we're in Nuneaton, we just got off the train. Lovely little journey, no notes. I've got fear of gaps. Fear of gaps between people's legs. You don't have to get that close to the microphone. I have to get this close to the mic.

Starting point is 00:07:02 That's the thing you don't need to do. Well, I never know because you're in control. You taunt me, gaslight me and taunt me. Boo hoo, Christ it's the Delight Pity Hour isn't it today? Right what are we doing? This is Nunhead Paul. Established. We walk from here to the cemetery, do you want to do that?

Starting point is 00:07:20 Or we could go, do you want to get some chairs? What's the plan today? There's no gimmick, I need a gimmick to hang my gags around. The gimmick is this, you've got to keep Paul really on your side today, right? You've got to not fuck with me. That's the gimmick of this new episode. I won't talk, how about I don't? To curry my favour.

Starting point is 00:07:37 I want to say something about curry. Yeah. I've got a cut on your nose, is that okay? No, it's a little cut. Oh, you cut your nose? No. As you do? As No, it's a little cut. Oh, you cut your nose, as you do? As you do? My cat scratched me.

Starting point is 00:07:50 We were gayfully playing and he likes to reach out with his paw and like touch my face. And in this instance, his little claw clipped the tip. He's a sweetheart really. I still can't believe he's literally 18 this year. He's an old boy. Oh hang on, I've got to do a tap out. This is part of London I'm very unfamiliar with.

Starting point is 00:08:16 I don't think I've ever been to Nunhead. Why would I need to go? Apparently, another thing I didn't mention in the intro, Paul, is that there is great views from the cemetery and apparently you can see Highgate Cemetery from Nunhead Cemetery all the way up north on the other side of town. Say what, let's get there and then I'll go to Highgate and then wave at you. Flash a mirror. Yeah, oh, flash a mirror, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:40 No, but I'd love to be able to see if I can see Highgate. So that's a highlight. There's our gimmick. We've got to see if we can see Highgate from the graves. Something like that. Right. Bus stop, bus stop. Oh, explore... Oh, there's a sign here. Yeah, it's a big boy. Nunhead Cemetery. Where can I stroll through beautiful dense woodland?

Starting point is 00:09:03 There's another cemetery, Camberwell New Cemetery, Brinchley Gardens, Camberwell... Thank you. Cheers, sir. Thanks. Sydenham. There's a nature reserve, that's where we were before on it Eagle-eared viewers

Starting point is 00:09:32 Eagle-eared will do, it's fine. We'll remember we did a little river walk That's roughly this part down there. Do you remember the river walk where they Is that where we ended up in the background? Is it the safari episode? That's right. Yeah, okay, because that's down here I like this map by the way. It's a lovely map. It's like an enamel pin budge almost. It's the Green Chain which is one of these cross London routes. It's not the circle thing. It's not the circle thing but it's similar. What's the ring? Is that the London ring is the circle thing? Yeah. This is the Green Chain. Never break the chain. Oh it's a chain of parks isn't it? So that's where we are and then Nunhead Cemetery is what? All this but bit here? Yeah we're just next to it basically Where can I see woodpeckers hawks and more than 50 other types of birds Eli?

Starting point is 00:10:13 That's the question I'm asking. I'll answer you here but I'll use my crib sheet from this notice Paul and I'll answer you saying you can see woodpeckers hawks and more than 50 other types of bird feeding in one of London's best kept secrets? What? Feeding in one of London's best kept secrets? And where might I see the memories of the famous and forgotten? You know what, I'm tiring of the tone of this fucking notice.

Starting point is 00:10:38 It does sound passive aggressive doesn't it? Where might I see? Where can I stroll through the beautiful dense woodland and enjoy a wonderfully romantic gothic atmosphere as well? It doesn't, it's not answering me. Or simply sit and admire the view of St Paul's Cathedral. But the answers to these questions and much more pick up one of our booklets at your local library.

Starting point is 00:10:57 Oh, we're not doing that. So Green Chain Open Spaces is the stuff with green on. Look, but it goes, you can see it is a lovely map with it's embossed or whatever. Like I said like an enamel pin badge didn't I? It's yeah these like the hard edges it's really lovely. So what's our route then? But down here is another mini map of the whole of the green chain look you can go from Nunhead here. This is brilliant they say I'm gonna get a photo of this. Yeah please don't. Chislehurst, Ereth. See See Aerith is where I wanted to start the night bussing That's when our next night bussing is gonna start. Is that actually where it is?

Starting point is 00:11:29 Yep, because Aerith is the furthest out of London you can get a night bus from and that's what we're doing the N89 Might do that next week. Okay All right, take a picture of this then and get it in shot and I guess We just head towards there. Should we try and find some shops and get a few provisions? Okay, well let's look at some local shops and get some provisions. Yes, I want to get some booze, don't I? Yeah, booze.

Starting point is 00:11:55 Oh, there's the gimmick. Booze! Alright, okay cool, well Eli's going to take a picture. I'm going to pop my head around the corner and see what shops are available to us. And then we'll come back to you probably once we reach the cemetery, which doesn't seem that far away. Lovely picture taken there from the young little expert with the photographer. Yes, good work. Good work.

Starting point is 00:12:17 I like that little black and white picture as well based on an old engraving of an uneaten station by Rachel Reckett. He died in 1995. Yeah, born in 1908. Take a picture of that. Well, look at all these pictures, by the way, on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. And there's a big nice sign that says Nuneat. I like that sign, like a ghost sign almost.

Starting point is 00:12:38 Right. Oh, there, yeah. Yeah, over there. Not that thing on the wall, the thing on the wall. I saw. Yeah. Hey, look, there's another mosaic here the thing on the wall yeah local roads Hey look! Mel, me anal head. Here take a photo. Block the sea out for Eli.

Starting point is 00:13:16 There we go, I'm blocking the sea out so he can take a picture of the... Melan anal head. Make sure you get a bell end as well. Mellon anal head. Yeah, all right. Yeah, make sure you get a bell end. Right, we'll see you a little bit later. So we have popped into Londis. We grabbed a few provisions. And we walked, I don't know, what, five minutes up the road to the corner where we found Nunhead Cemetery, All Saints Cemetery Nunhead specifically speaking.

Starting point is 00:13:48 There's a blue plaque there, what does it say? Established by the London Cemetery Company July 1840, a haven of tranquillity and remembrance because it's one of the big seven which is the big seven cemeteries in London. Well it says here doesn't it, history, Nunhead Cemetery is one of the great seven commercial Victorian cemeteries established in a ring around the outskirts of London in the city. Churchards became unhealthily full. This is what I was going to refer to, yes, they had to actually do it because there were too many cadavers and they also have...

Starting point is 00:14:19 Cadaver banana! All right. They also have, what do you call a city of the dead? Necropolis. Yes. They have one of those down south and they used to take them in trains as well. It's all connected to that part of history where there was just too many dead. I think we spoke about this in the past, but if the plans were originally near Crouch End to build a massive mausoleum in the shape of a black pyramid.

Starting point is 00:14:46 Oh yeah, imagine that had gone through man. You do have a big cemetery, one of the big eight, Highgate is near Crouch End isn't it? It's just over the hill sort of thing. Yeah. Nunhead Hill, the site chosen for the cemetery, rises 200 feet above sea level at its highest point and affords extensive views over the city of London and St Paul's in one direction and towards the north down to the other. Oh yeah I'm going to be enjoying those views. Just a little point on Londis before we go on. I noticed that they had Dr Pepper Blackberry which I picked up because it is one of the finest soft drinks to come out in recent years. Let's just put it that way. Now, I want to call you out, Coca-Cola Company of Britain. And this is a message straight to you.

Starting point is 00:15:33 If you don't release Coca-Cola, orange creme or cream. Creme sounds cool. Orange creme on this side of the pond, I never forgive you and you'll lose a lifelong customer. You heard it here didn't you? Dear Mr Coca Cola I hope you're shitting your fucking pants right now. Sorry just had to put that out there but now let's get back to the graves. Oh yeah you're right because when we came into the entrance we were looking like what we thought were like brooms like I don't know what you want to call them, like little... They look like switches, little handle-less brooms, yeah. But it says here, decorative devices emphasizing mortality, inverted flaming torches to suggest life being snuffed out.

Starting point is 00:16:15 Because that's how you put it out, is you invert it, so that's why they're inverted. Yeah. It's got a Thiggins tomb in 1844 with four columns indicates a return to the more austere Greek style I guess of grave. Opposite on the hill the Allen tomb of 1867 was mulled on the Piava tomb of Xanthos I believe in ancient Greece which was discovered in the 1830s. We've got to check these out man. Yeah it's not too uncommon because like when the pyramids became a huge thing in the early

Starting point is 00:16:43 1900s. You're talking about the Egyptology craze. Yeah when they were opening tombs left right and center that suddenly came a trend in... Graveyard architecture or whatever they call it. I mean you must have been to a graveyard somewhere and seen a little pyramid. Oh absolutely you know one that is big for that is Highgate which has whole it's got like the Pharaoh's Row or something it's got all references to Egyptology and the names of the crypts and so forth. There's a great one in Liverpool and there's a great myth around there, don't know if you've heard this but there's a myth that there's a guy buried in Liverpool in

Starting point is 00:17:15 this pyramid coffin tomb thing and in it he's allegedly sat upright in a chair holding a winning poker card deck or a winning card hand. Yeah, sorry. I think that's been debunked but that's the legend like he played a hand of the devil and lost and... Yeah it's funny how there's so many because you know what the dead hands dead man's hand is? No. It's two pair aces and eights because Wild Bill Hickok was holding that hand in a saloon bar when he was shot by someone he owed money to or something. I guess that would be a dead man's hand.

Starting point is 00:17:46 And that's known as the dead man's hand. And other than the association there's no reward to having that hand is there? And that's why that place is called Aces and Eights in Kentish Town. Oh really? Yeah. It's like rock and roll, the dead man's hand. It's not a bad name when you think about it. So we are here and there's the Catacomb path, the Descenters Road. Cool, I love it when the site of the Descenters Chapel, there's a Descenters Chapel here.

Starting point is 00:18:09 What does that mean? It's where they bury people who don't follow the main... Oh wait, read it. Consecrated for the interment of members of the Church of England, one sixth of the cemeteries, 52 acres, were set aside for the burial of Descenters... Non-Church of England members? Yeah. You don't believe in the same exact flavour of Christ as us? Yeah. It's larger the same, but it's different enough that I'm going to bury you over there.

Starting point is 00:18:35 All right? I mean, who cares? Oh, there's the Alan tomb. That looks great. Chunky boy. If you put your ear to it, hang on, listen. I want to see you smile and I think you're wild. Had she?

Starting point is 00:18:46 Yeah. It's like she's doing a break up. She was married to some other celeb. That guy who was in Stranger Things and played Hellboy. Oh him, yeah. What's his name? He's pretty good. Richard Howard. And he's in that new Marvel thing. Yeah, from the bolts.

Starting point is 00:19:02 David Marks. Mark. I can't remember the guy's name. Don't know. What I love right now is someone's listening to this going, It's fucking David! It's David something. David... Harbor? Harbor. That's right. There you go. Between the two of us.

Starting point is 00:19:15 We got it. We don't need your fucking comments now saying what it is. Thank you. Now, should we plan our route around the same... Yeah, because we need to find a place to have a little bit of a picnic, right? There's a poppy sign there. Don't know what that means. Probably war dead. Look at this, this is the road, this is lovely, I should take a picture of this as well. Yeah. Where there's the... Limesford Road. Should we just head uphill I think, because we want

Starting point is 00:19:38 to look for the views don't we? Do you want to go the Catacomb path, East Crescent, up the avenue or Descenters Road. Let's go Descenters Road and round. Yeah, anti-clockwise. West Hill, see it says Hill there so I bet that's High Grant. Alright, let's do that. Alright cool, well on a lovely warm London day Eli and I are going scurrying around the graveyard in Non Hill. And once again Mr Coca Cola, don't, hey hey, once again Mr Coca-Cola you'll be doing not only a grave disservice to me but the whole of the soft drinking public of this whole continent. If you do not release the Eli's bumhole adaptation for my fleshlight, then you've lost a customer.

Starting point is 00:20:28 A valued customer. Alright? Can you give me my fleshlights? Yeah. Oh god. You can get mouths, bumholes, fannies, ears. Anything. Big nose.

Starting point is 00:20:41 What about a predator mouth? You know what? Probably. I bet you can. Ararararara. Something like that. Right, we'll see you in a bit later. We've just taken a quick little breather as we climbed some of the hill to this and we've sat down by William Hartree, an engineer of Greenwich and Lewisham Road.

Starting point is 00:21:06 Died in 1859, age 45. So we're sitting on his grave and Eli went for a little pitch in Impossible, which I believe was successful. Is that correct? Yeah, it was all good. I had a good visual 360 around and I timed it perfectly because about 1800 dogs just passed us. Give or take. It was like being on the set of a Disney film for a minute where all of us were surrounded by dogs of all shapes and sizes. Maybe that's what we should do. Start a dog walking company. Come and collect your dogs and then we take them for a walk. Hey? Eli and Paul's dog walking company.

Starting point is 00:21:47 Yeah, why not? I'm sorry, I'm just looking at my phone, Paul. We don't really have a plan. I was thinking we have a little drinky poo here. Just a little snifter, mate. Can we? Can we please? It's not disrespectful to have a snifter on a grave, is it? Oh, you wouldn't want to have one here? Why not? It's quite enough. I'll get the ice out then, shall I?

Starting point is 00:22:04 No one's going to go, oh, you, stop drinking. Well, if they do, we'll have to have one here? Why not? It's quite enough. No one's going to go, oh you stop drinking. Well if they do we'll have to have a confrontation with them. Are you allowed to drink in graveyards? Probably not. Is there a sign that says please do not get pissed up here? It's probably frowned upon, but we'll be very respectful. Yeah. To William Hartree and Charlotte.

Starting point is 00:22:20 Doesn't she deserve a name? Oh there it is. Well Hartree. No it's. Widower. No, it's the Widower. Yeah. So she was called Hartree as well, but. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:30 She died at 80. God, so that means she lived another 30 years without him and still was like, fine, I won't change my name, I won't remarry. I'll just, I'll just carry on being me. Oh, who's next to it? In memoriam of a name that I don't believe is real. Philander Daggett is the name. Philander Daggett.

Starting point is 00:22:53 Mate, I don't even think that's gonna be the most amusing name we find today because Victorians had weird names and there was a whole, there was a whole, there was a whole right now, mate, and I'm having a, don There was a hole. There was a fucking hole right now mate and I'm having a crump. Don't walk into it. Oh, he walked into it. I'm so sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:15 It's got a bit of spice that one hasn't it? It's kind of like rusty pipes. Well the breeze is coming up, innit? Just like Paul McCartney's disco hit, it's coming up! Anyway, born in Minehead Haven and died at... what's that say? Boulogne's... Summer, Surma, France. Maybe he died in the battle. I know 1875. Oh, fuck my stink.

Starting point is 00:23:42 You really do. You need to go to the toilet. I've been, I've had quite a lot of time this morning on the toilet. I'm so pissed off, I miss my sister's birthday. Why don't you say a happy birthday to her now? I am, but... Say it to her now, on the podcast, she'll listen. She won't listen. It's not that person isn't my sister.

Starting point is 00:24:00 I know, but just say it to her. They're the only person you think. She can at least pass it on. She won't. I'll say it. Happy birthday to Eli's sister who doesn't listen to this episode of the podcast. Oh, my guts. Actually this turned.

Starting point is 00:24:13 Oh, they've turned. Are we going to have to fight a... Oh, do you think there's some public lavatories? I don't think I'm in a need to drop guts. When you say things, when you let off farts the smell of feces like that, and you say, oh, they've turned, they turned, bending forward, hand on stomach.

Starting point is 00:24:31 I can't put them in spasm. You know, tell me I'm mad, but I assume you need to go poopy time, big time, soon time. Poopy, poopy pie. I think I'm gonna be all right for the rest of this day, but that's not to say there aren't gasses. You need to sort your life out!

Starting point is 00:24:45 I think this is not the platform to disgust my bowels. It's a high platform so they splat out, splat down, splat... Yeah, no good stuff. Hey look, guess who's on form this week? Eli and I. Eli and I are on form. Erm, what are you doing on your phone? You've just been on your phone non-stop. Let's have a little, let's have a little tinkle. I feel guilty for missing the birthday. Well then just send her a message now.

Starting point is 00:25:08 I did. Alright, well then job done. Honestly, you forget my birthday all the time and you don't feel bad about it. Oh yeah, is it April what? See exactly September 14th is when I grace the earth with another year of my life. And not once have you ever remembered it on the day I sent you a message when you were away in Florida happy birthday mate didn't I yes so who's the better friend you say go on Mike you are the better

Starting point is 00:25:36 friend in this relationship than I am thank you at all at all anyone needs to hear right right we're gonna have a little tinkle. Not a piss, we've done that. Just a little bit of a snifter of the old peculiar. See it a bit. Right, so Eli and I, we had a little sniffle. Sniffle, sniffle. You know why you're saying sniffle? Because of the smell of them vagina trees.

Starting point is 00:26:02 It's vagina tree time everybody. There's no vagina trees here. Can you not smell the fecund and ripe odor of the juicy vagina trees as their polyps burst forth the gush gush out my... Right you know what? No! No! Shut up you! Why were you perfectly normal until 30 seconds ago? We had a little drink, we had a little sit down. Can I just say right now I'm stone cold sober. What a problem isn't it? You know what Paul, I'm intoxicated from the heady scent, the heady scent of the vagina trees. Well how about I offset that with a little bit of grundle for my back passage. Hey grundle from the back way. Would you like a little bit of a vaginal grundle mix? A plop tail. Like a cocktail but with plops.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Anyway, oh here's another great name, read it out. In loving memory of Charlotte, wife of Burgess Peachy. Hey Burgess Peachy. No but like I was trying to say earlier, Paul. Yeah? There's a whole book, like a toilet humor book, of names from gravestones, Victorian gravestones, because they had crazy names, like fuck. It didn't mean that back then.

Starting point is 00:27:15 F-U-C-H or something? No, F-U-C-K. And there was one called Die Happy Badger. Die Happy Badger. And one called Nasty Rosenthal as well that sounds like a viz character no yeah I agree with you but like at the same time Louie and Heather Louie and that's normal that's not a great name so we did a little circular loop we went around a little passage because it's very I mean as I

Starting point is 00:27:38 say a very gothic area lots of very gothic graves, stones and... Absolutely beautiful, large graves, mausoleums, crypts. Yeah. Very... Gods. Very shut up, very statuesque or sculptural, a lot of them, aren't they? Yeah. With sculptural elements. Usually with like an urn on the top or an angel or a cherub.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Another thing you see is the hands, the joined hands. I think that's when a Catholic married a Protestant. Is it? Yeah. I think it's got something to do. Citation needed on that. No, because I'm getting confused because there's these things I saw online where you've

Starting point is 00:28:15 got a Catholic cemetery and a Protestant cemetery, and the husband and wife are buried on either side of the wall and they've built like a holding hand thing above the wall. So I'm wrong, but that's what I'm referring to.. Okay so the plan is now we're going to try and find the highest point so we can look out towards Highgate Cemetery which is a plan it involves kind of doing a bit of a loop-de-loop because allegedly we need to go to the West Hill path but we started just on a whim we started on the east didn't we? We went the descenders path didn't we? That's what we wanted to do the descenders path.

Starting point is 00:28:47 There's lots of little paths but everywhere you go it feels like you're just going into the wood but there's all graves in there as well isn't it? It's crazy the density of the dead here. And it's funny as well because in some respects you think oh I'll just sneak in here for a little sit down when you get there you don't feel like you sneaked anywhere because of those graves. Yeah. You always feel like you're trespassing it really is amazing are we coming up on let's see we're coming to the foot of this hill there's a lot more graves down

Starting point is 00:29:10 here i mean we might be coming back where we started actually very different route yes so it might be that we just go past where we came in and then loop back the other way okay louisa elinor where's the funny names sir i'm sure we'll have plenty of time to read, I don't know how many graves are in this fucking place, but probably a couple of hundred right? Archer, Bentley Archer, Edmund Sumner, perhaps an ancestor of Sting. Yes, that was my first feeling as well. Every time I hear the name Sumner, oh look at this! Oh yeah, oh no we haven't gone right back to the beginning, we haven't passed this. Huge, a huge little chapel, not huge little, a little chapel,

Starting point is 00:29:58 but it looks like it's been bombed out or something, like it's hollow inside and there's a huge there's a not huge over huge on my mind there's a sort of gateway a pass through it here I'll take a photo you take a photograph so this is a very random episode this week aimless but I don't know the Sun it's nice is it aimless though Paul because really at the end of the day we we are all... Aimless. All aiming towards death. And here we are in a place of death, so there you go. Joseph Cockerill.

Starting point is 00:30:31 You're grasping at cock. Oh, well, often. Isn't that often the case? This is a church, but the roof is missing. Do you see that? It was probably a chapel where people that bring their corpses before, they buried them, right? Yeah, bombed during the Second World War.

Starting point is 00:30:44 Yeah. Anglican. But the Descenters Chapel. Okay so the Descenters Chapel is separate from this one. No this is not. It's crazy without the roof it gives it a real vibe. Just trying to see if there's anything of interest here. This is the Anglican Chapel the inclusion of an octagonal chapel as part of its design has been set by precedence in the Greek, Muslim and early Christian architecture. Oh, there you go. You can see that's the hexagonal bit in the back there. Yeah. And again, it's that funny of like just Western religions co-opting what it likes from other religions and saying, right, that's ours now. That's how we look now.

Starting point is 00:31:21 We're going through the... That's always been the way of the West though, isn't it? Oh yeah. Take it and claim it. Yeah, take it and then... Let's have a look through the gate. It's amazing. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:31:31 It's great, this. Supported by the Heritage Lottery Fund, which is fair enough. Do you think it's any ghost in Nunhead Cemetery? The theory is that if you're going to look for ghosts, you don't go to a cemetery. Because it's too on the nose. Basically, yeah. But you know, people still look at that, see that on the wall there, must be modern art or something. But like it's a... It's like a corpse, a death mask.

Starting point is 00:31:52 Well it's like half the face is like fire and then the other side is a skull, yeah. I'll get a closer look. Take a shot of that, because that's really kind of... That's affecting, isn't it? Eerie, but like, yeah, affecting. You kind of want wanna wander around it. Wow. Are we not allowed in?

Starting point is 00:32:07 Are we allowed in this room? No, it's all locked up. We couldn't get in if we wanted to. That's creepy as all hell. Look at it through the camera. Ooh. You know what I mean? If you saw that in your window at night.

Starting point is 00:32:18 I would be freaked out. It's brown bedsheets time, innit? Look at these little faces, screaming little faces of kids, it looks like, there, those decorations. I mean, this is the thing, I don't know what those faces are meant to represent, because they might be the whim of the sculptor of it, you know?

Starting point is 00:32:33 It might just be the whim of that person. Which is why, you know, famously on certain cathedrals, you see weird little goblins and weird little affectations. Yeah, which, you know, obviously was like the sculptor going, hoo hoo hoo hoo, they won't see this for years. It's up at the bloody top of the roof. Yeah, you know, even us, to you know, heretics who don't believe in faith in any regard. Not heretics, atheists. What's a heretic do? A heretic is someone might believe something but he goes against the gospel. He goes against the

Starting point is 00:33:02 He goes against the gospel. He goes against the dogma. A heretic. So, for example, Joan of Arc was a heretic. You see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what you're saying is we need to burn a church down. I'm saying exactly that. Come on then.

Starting point is 00:33:15 Come on then. Let's find the church to burn down. Get me some of the views here. We'll blame it on the Norwegians. We can see right up to Elephant Castle, and that is the building known colloquially as the Electric Razor. Yeah, I fucking hate it. We can see right up to Elephant Castle and that is the building known colloquially as the Electric Razor.

Starting point is 00:33:26 Yeah, I fucking hate it. If you ask me, if you can name it something similar to that, colloquially, it's not a good building. I don't know, the Shard? Bad. What about the Gherkin? Do you like the Gherkin? I don't like the name of it.

Starting point is 00:33:38 I like the look of it. When you call it the Gherkin, it kind of feels like it cheapens it somewhat. Yeah, but the electric shaver's just ugly on its face, isn't it? And there's that other one, the mobile phone, because it looks like a kind of feels like it cheapens it somewhat. Yeah, but the electric shaver's just ugly on its face, isn't it? And there's that other one, the mobile phone, because it looks like a kind of early 2000s Nokia kind of thing. And then the walkie-talkie. Oh, that's the one I'm thinking of. That was the one that was...

Starting point is 00:33:54 But I think they called it the cell phone as well, didn't they? Maybe, but then, because cell phones don't look like that anymore, then the walkie-talkie fits better, sort of. But also, it was famous for, like, if you parked your car in the wrong area, the reflected sunlight off the building. Oh yes, that one. With like, walkie-talkie.

Starting point is 00:34:10 It literally set someone's car on fire. I don't know if it set it on fire. It did, no it did, yeah. Jesus. Oh look, Superman's, oh no, it says Lois, and I thought it said Lois Lane. I thought, oh look, Superman's girlfriend's buried here, but no.

Starting point is 00:34:23 Robert Mitchell. Lewis and Park. I don't know we're just shouting out names now well I don't know cuz that was I wish we have you taken it did you take a picture of the map let's have a look at it because that might help us out because right now we know we're at the cat Anglican and Kith Chapel and then that way we'll have a better idea of where we go next then. Clever us. Cleverylionpaulet taking pictures of maps. You should have to rely on the googly's or the google.

Starting point is 00:34:57 Close your porn tube down. Slow it down. Shut up trying to shame me. I do not have a porn. What's that? No, these two clowns got divorced. Custody battle. Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. Great. That, is that the chapel? Yeah, so we need to go... We're here. East path. Wait.

Starting point is 00:35:18 So where's the west path? Is that the one we were on? It's up further up though. I reckon it's here the high point. Yeah, didn't go that way did we so we can just go straight up this road then. We could go round here and follow when it branches to the right. Yeah. Shall we do that? Yeah because it must be that way. All right let's do that then and before we go let's see if we can find a funny name on a gravestone to make you laugh and maybe have a little bit of think about your own mortality. Erm... Er... George...

Starting point is 00:35:47 Was that Fiend? George Fiend Caroline Spurak. That's a very elaborate name. Lost after suffering sweet rest at last. Not lost but gone before. There's those... Oh, shake your hands. class hands that I told you about yeah oh they're on a lot of graves a lot the heads have come off these the

Starting point is 00:36:12 statues as well yeah I mean you don't know someone just doesn't go I fuck them and knock it off for a laugh this is a Celtic cross on this one there's a 2010 grave there. Wow. There's a whole family in a tiny grave. And it's another, well that's more of a prayer hands thing. There's a prayer hands, yeah. Wilmot. Gary Wilmot?

Starting point is 00:36:34 Maybe not. No, he still walks the earth, doesn't he? He does. Oh look. What's that? Like a little clamp. No, it's a, it's a, it's the torso of something. It's fallen down, hasn't it?

Starting point is 00:36:44 Yeah. The torso has fallen off somewhere, but there doesn't seem to be. Is it from that one? Maybe from Sophia, Elizabeth. That's quite striking. Striking. Thomas Strokes. I bet he does. Charles Box. I bet he has one. Just I need to find a good name to end this segment on Havana butchers

Starting point is 00:37:09 yeah it is it's a first name Havana second name butchers yeah Havana butchers maybe it's pronounced like the cigar I think like Havana look Oh look here's one Paul. Havana butchers. It says here lies Richard B Aitken. Dick B Aitken. Oh yeah that's what it does say yeah and there's a Russian one there as well. What's the name? Hadjiobolikov. Should we just do this for the rest of the episode? I think we've exhausted our joke name at that bank. Yeah. Memory banks. George Bird. Oh no there's one. do this for the rest of the episode. George Bird. Oh no there's one. Mr and Mrs One Off. And there's Josh, Josh One Off.

Starting point is 00:38:02 Josh One Off. Thank you. Josh, one off. That was actually pretty good. Thank you. Oh, there's a little grave, a little Christmas tree on that one. Yeah, it looks like a much more recent one again. Why would you put a Christmas tree on someone's... 2000, year 2000, Julius. Do you reckon they just liked Christmas? And they came to her and said, do you want a Christmas tree or something?

Starting point is 00:38:19 Because it feels like someone comes by and looks after that one. Well, they only died 25 years ago. Tree trail. This is tree 5Aa an English walnut. Where though? This is an arrow. Yeah let's go on this way. We'll see you in a little bit once we've got our bearings. As once again Paul and Eli wander around the graveyard for your entertainment. Is this where we've come to? So we're just currently getting our bearings, but I found a sign about Musical and apparently in Nunhead Cemetery a few musical quote-unquote legends

Starting point is 00:39:02 personalities Edward Weston who was a publican who became an entrepreneur then he eventually turned What it says he found they? Converted the disused chapel in the back of his pub into the Western musical Which he sold out and stars such as Albert Chevalier eventually the Holburn Empire Yeah, eventually and then there was Jenny Hill. Yeah old wartime singer Ada Reeves I recognize that name as well same kind of thing and Dan Leno. There's Hilton, I recognise her now. Old wartime singer. Ada Reeves, I recognise that name as well. Same kind of thing. And Dan Leno.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Who's Dan Leno? I don't know that name. I'm just thinking of the... Jay Leno. Do you have an impression? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. She began as, so Jenny Hill as well, who when she was young started as the hind legs of a pantomime horse. Then became a famous principal boy. Which is from?

Starting point is 00:39:54 Well it's the whole Shakespearean thing, goes way back to that. Yeah, but isn't it from pantomimes? Yeah, so it would be like she would play Aladdin. Then as 10 year old she made a debut in a pub in Fleet Street, singing songs at the bars. She married a stage acrobat, married in the late 1860s, but it failed. And she was still a teenager with a baby girl to support.

Starting point is 00:40:18 Jesus. Then she took an audition to London Pavilion, now a shopping arcade in Piccadilly, and sank her way to overnight stardom. Is that where the Trocadero is, or was? No. Okay. It's in that area, but it's not, no.

Starting point is 00:40:30 It's not that. Anyway, lots of music hall stars have lived and died here. The famous song, or quote, if you want to know the time, ask a policeman. I don't know that. Was a song, is a lasting memorial to the man who wrote it, Augustus Durandu Durandu, born 1848. No, no, Paul. Durandu. Augustus Durandu Durandu born 1848 no no no Augustus Durandu full stop

Starting point is 00:40:48 oh no I thought it was like the inspiration for the band Durandurand or like the character of Durandurand in Farmerella you actually thought when you read that you thought the guy's name was Augustus Durandu Durandu why not I didn't see the full stop at the time Durandu beginning of the new sentence was born see the full stop at the time. Durandu, beginning of the new sentence, was born in 1848. And he wrote the song Wild Boys and Rio. He died aged 45. His songs are well known but they brought him little personal fame and certainly no fortune and he's buried in a common piece of public grave with a dozen or so long-forgotten citizens of the city. It's terrible that though isn't it? How the legacy of something you create can outlast you and

Starting point is 00:41:24 you become a footnote to that Well, you don't mind you're dead. It'd be better if you found fame or praise when you're alive, but it doesn't make It doesn't matter to you one way or the other whether it happens after you're dead does it but when something becomes Colloquially well known like you know If you want to know the time ask a policeman and it comes from a song and it becomes something people sang And yet the person who created that phrase is long since gone It's kind of like it's interesting It's sad, yeah

Starting point is 00:41:48 Such is the way, oh look, gravelly path here Gravelly path, it's like, oh there's all gravestone that's been broken up into a gravelly path Oh look, the piece of... Um... I'm going to take a photo of that Do you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of... Return to Oz when they found the smashed up yellow brick road It's all made of skulls or whatever?

Starting point is 00:42:06 No, it's just the bricks but it's all torn up and... Now we're on some higher ground here. Is this the West Hill? I mean, I don't know. I wanna get higher. We go up, look, that must be the highest point. Where that mast is. Yeah, because it's already a mast.

Starting point is 00:42:19 Let's go up there. How do we get up there? Just through the graves. Can we not just sit on that bench and have a smoke for a bit? Okay, yeah. Because, you know, we've been going kind of in a little bit of a loop at the graves. Can we not just sit on that bench and have a smoke for a bit? Yeah. Because, you know, we've been going kind of in a little bit of a loop at the moment. I just want to take a seat. And also...

Starting point is 00:42:30 We have to find some toilets. No, it's not toilets. It's just... I'm standing over here because I'm breaking wind silently. Mate, but however, I've got something I can direct you to. You've got a funny name. Which I think you will agree. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:42:43 I see it. Go on. In loving memory of our brother, George Peewee Donovan. Peewee in brackets. There you go. There you go. He was known as Peewee. Fell asleep on the 19th of September.

Starting point is 00:42:53 Well, he might not have died. Patrick Joseph Hartnett. Reminds me of that film, The Trap. Did I tell you? It was very bad. Fred Hartnett. Oh! He was born on the same day I was.

Starting point is 00:43:03 1931? Yeah, exactly. Exactly the same year and date, 14th September. If anyone's listening to this thing and it was going to be a jolly, weird little episode and instead we're making you constantly remember your mortality, then we apologise. What are these like serial numbers on the backs of the gravestones? Well that'll be if you go to the website for non-ed cemetery and you type in a number or you know the name, it will tell you where to find it. It's kind of like a code to you know where you're looking

Starting point is 00:43:29 It's funny how there are some really grand graves here and then there were some Almost homemade stuff, you know like that little one there with a brown cross Speaking of brown crosses. I don't want to look at my underpants right now, but I've got to stop breaking wind Often is you get well someone, they get one like that for the first five years and then they upgrade to a headstone later. Do you see what I mean? That's often what the way... Optional extra.

Starting point is 00:43:53 We can go off of the way and then they... But I don't know, that grave's quite old and I think all it has is that little brown cross, so there you go. Well, what? I don't, I mean... This is an observation more than a question or anything, you know? Do you want a gravestone? No, I want to be forgotten about as soon as I'm gone.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Really? Yeah, like Peter Cook doesn't have a gravestone. No, I mean a lot of people don't even bother with that sort of thing at all. No. No. It's like my nan, when she passed a year or so ago, I went to my mum, because I couldn't get up for the funeral, and I said to my mum, well where is it?

Starting point is 00:44:24 She goes, well she doesn't have a grave. I was like what do you do with the remains? Gone. They're just gone. Yeah. Which is you know if you're an atheist and you're you know and that's not your deal then why wouldn't you just say yeah the person's gone. Yeah. Then there's no the remains what the remains are they have less significance in an atheistic worldview view, don't they? I want my body fed to someone or something. Like just tossed over into a lion pit or into a gorilla pen. I don't think that's easy unless you've got a lot of money to get done.

Starting point is 00:44:58 My plan is to jump out of a plane right above London Zoo head first into the Meerkatat encampter or something and then have them drag me away. Encampture? Encampture? That's a word. No. Well, almost there. Encampture. Encampment. Encampment. Either way my aim is to dive headfirst into London Zoo, die on the spot wherever I land and have the animals have their way with me. Is it bad etiquette to have a big fat zubi in here? I like to think of it as respectfully finding a tranquil moment of zen to burn the herb and you know smudge the area so to speak. You can't, you don't do smudging mate, that's not in the

Starting point is 00:45:39 Christian world view. Yeah well my brown back of my pants have got a bit of smudging going on because I'm pretty sure a lot of that thought I've been doing has been speckling pellets, speckling pellets. You feel like that but that's to do with the fact and also there are no wetness sensors in human skin. We can't actually tell whether the moisture is present on our skin. Can you explain that to my bumhole then because it feels like it's in the paddling pool right now. Yes, that's because you're having a hallucination of arse moistness.

Starting point is 00:46:10 I always think, oh, I've got a real wet arse. And then when I take my pants down, it's dry, it's dry as a bone. And then sometimes also, Paul, I keep bones in my pants. That's what I love about this podcast. It goes from speaking about the kind of sanctity of death and the, you know, like, you know, like talking about death and gravestones and memorances and all these kind of things and then straight to and then I shot my punch.

Starting point is 00:46:35 I didn't. Eli, it's funny that Eli admitted to shitting his pants then. I did not. Stop gaslighting me. I'm not gaslighting you. I'm gaslighting the audience to believe what I'm saying. You don't have to believe it. I just need them to believe it. Fine. And Eli is a speckled toaster.

Starting point is 00:46:52 Right, we're on a bench, we're going to sit down and then see if we can find that highest ground. You're right, there's a foam mast there, so let's see if we can get to it. Is it a foam mast? They always put that on the highest point, don't they? And it feels like we are, this is the West Hill we've found, but it looks like there's maybe a little copse at the top of the hill, the very crowd. Which we don't they and it feels like we are this is the West Hill we found but it looks like there's maybe a little cops at the top of the hill the very crowd. We'll find out. Bye! I think this should be a fine place look it's a nice tree we can rest upon it it's a bit darker on this side of the park in it and you're looking for a bit

Starting point is 00:47:33 more light what's down there but there's a little clearing on top of some graves come on give me two minutes down this way. To be fair, well... Alright, fine. No, all I'm saying is, no matter where we go here, we're going to be surrounded by graves. I understand that, but that doesn't look very comfy or... and this is my main issue. Yeah. Secluded and shielded from the path. And dog walkers and other straights looking at us judging us perhaps reporting us to the

Starting point is 00:48:05 local constabulary you go down the jail you just get your dick out at the front desk because you're angry you're drunk maybe they put you away for a long time I hate it when Paul interrupts me no I know I was doing your voice and I didn't interrupt you then and you know what I bloody should have yeah should have stamped that out like a small fire. Anyway look I just think it's gonna be a nicer spot just up here Paul even like this this what's this is this looks is this a grave or a bench area? Little copse of newly planted ashes they look like ash trees yeah yeah this is the first memorial site yeah well that's just leaves and also someone who's had a dirty protest of some sort

Starting point is 00:48:56 it might have been somebody fell over put their hand in mud and yeah it looks like it doesn't it although it does look like you know it's fecal but I don't really think that's a place to drink. I'll tell you what I can read out while we're looking at reading this up. I found this because of course I did. Ghosts, the ghosts of Nunhead Cemetery. Let's read this out. It's on a website called Spooky Isle. Apparently the graveyard features ghost children, vanishing specters and phantom bank managers. Says Eddie Brazil in itself a name. Isn't that the guy at bottom called Eddie Hitler. Well it's Brazil you see why I get confused because they're not supposed to have fled to Brazil. It's got a nice plumage.

Starting point is 00:49:42 A magpie. Nice little bit of blue. Are you picking up something? He was. Isn't there some kind of luck thing where you only see one magpie? Bad luck. You're meant to see two, aren't you? And salute it. Right, anyway, consecrated in 1840, its first burial was of that of a 101 year old grocer from Ipswich and the last was that of a soldier who became a

Starting point is 00:50:06 cannon of Lahore Cathedral in India. Like Highgate, Nunhead is the archetype spooky graveyard of leaning headstones, crumbling tombs and a Victorian gothic chapel. I'm gonna go through it. Right. It's's not gonna be anything of note or value. Nunhead Cemetery has its own monster phantom. Highgate? Is it a skinwalker? No, it won't be a skinwalker. Why is it? It's a monster. It's actually an American thing, a skinwalker.

Starting point is 00:50:33 Isn't that a name for a demon though? A monster? No. What do they mean by that? Well, I'm gonna read it out now, won't I? Once again, Eli interrupts before any salient information comes out to answer any pertaining questions you may have. And once again, Paul's complaints at that behaviour further obscures any meaning, meaningful discourse.

Starting point is 00:50:50 Well, still, shut up until I finish your sentence. I will. I'm going to shut up. You literally talked over the sentence of me telling you to shut up. I don't think you quite see it. Right, Mary Jane's grave. Mary and Jane, close right Highgate has a seven-foot King vampire yeah we've heard about that before

Starting point is 00:51:12 Nunhead a phantom six foot and eight inches of a Bank of England clerk in 1923 the remains of William Jenkins a lifelong employee of the bank were moved from the city of London court court offices, court garden, burial ground and re-interned at a catacomb and nun head cemetery. Here they rested until the 1970s when the abandoned cemetery was invaded by hooligans and the graves and coffins were violated and robbed. I wonder if this is any relation to what happened in Highgate. It must be the same group of people you'd think. You'd think? Yeah, maybe. Or there was a fad. There was a fad for desecration then, wasn't there? Also, that little grave,

Starting point is 00:51:54 though it's just the corner of it, it looks like a little milk carton just because of the way it's poked out of the leaves. Look at the way that tree is engulfing that grave. I've taken a photo of that. Thy will be done. Bessel Mildred Bessel. It is said that such desecration no doubt resulted in the paranormal phenomena. It is the ghost of the bank clerk which is said to haunt the graveyard. In 1975 a workman saw a tall dark stranger dressed totally in black emerge from one of the crumbling catacombs and disappear into the surrounding undergrowth or he found a man having a cottaging session dark stranger dressed totally in black emerged from one of the crumbling catacombs and disappeared into the surrounding undergrowth or he found the man having a cottaging session in the middle of

Starting point is 00:52:30 the night and ran off going oh can't believe it. Again in the 70s a group of people walking their dogs through the cemetery saw the figure of a woman in Victorian dress holding a lantern and gliding along a path as the the group approached, she vanished. Ghost children seen at Nunhead Cemetery. Oh, is that one? Oh no, they're real kids. Right, okay. Spectral children have also been seen at the cemetery.

Starting point is 00:52:54 One night, a man walking by the entrance to the graveyard saw and heard a group of youngsters playing and laughing amongst the graves. That would creep me out. That's like a witch project, isn't's like a witch project isn't it? As he looked through the bars of the gates he said their presence and sound gradually faded into darkness. The man was convinced he had seen the ghosts of children but whose children could they be? Well in 1912 nine sea scouts were

Starting point is 00:53:20 laid to rest at Nunhead after drowning in a boat against accidents off the Isle of Sheppery. Do you remember when I reported out the New Zealand graves? Yeah. There was that book. Oh, that's the Sea Scouts. Yes, that's the Sea Scouts. So that's where those kids might be ghosts of. Anyway, there's an accident off the Isle of Sheppey

Starting point is 00:53:41 on the coast of Kent. Boat sinking. Yeah, and nine Sea Scouts died in 19, what was it, 12? Horrible. Is that the rest of the story? Is that it? I think we should look round here to set up our impromptu in-cemetery drinking den. In 2016, someone on Reddit posted a story about seeing a ghost at Nunhead Cemetery.

Starting point is 00:54:04 Average height, no face visible, but there was certainly, it was like wearing a habit or some kind of hood. Well, it's the nun theme, innit? Londonist has an article as well. The walking nunhead dead. Bet you're proud of that article, weren't you, Scott Wood? Oh, Ellen Gotthard. I mean, that's what they call rigor mortis, innit? Hey, she did get hard. No, that's Gothard. Oh. Olifant. That's a real name.

Starting point is 00:54:39 What's his name? Nelly T. Olifant. No, he's not. Shut up, you got me there. You got me there. Nelly T. Ollifant. Said they said goodbye to the circus. Shut up. One day at a time, Nunhead Spook caught on camera. Of course the picture doesn't fucking work now.

Starting point is 00:55:00 Nunhead Cemetery Open Day is this Saturday. Oh when was this article from? Oh 179 months ago but they still got a banner outside saying open day. How do you have an open day for a cemetery? You have probably guides, guided walks and that type of thing. No Paul that banner would be for this year's open day. They probably do it every... I know I'm just saying it's funny how this article is always about the open day. I didn't know it was a common thing to have cemetery open days. And then it tells the story about William Daniel Jenkins, who worked at the bank. Oh, it just has a bit more colour here, a bit more to the other website didn't say.

Starting point is 00:55:37 Weird. His death on 24th of March 1798, William lived in the London... In a London of resurrectionists. What are they? They were a sect of Christianity obviously. But what about, specifically about coming back from the dead? Must be to do with Christ, the resurrection of Christ. You remember? He was in the cave, he lied in the cave and then he came back to life. He lived in a London... He was a major tenant of Christian belief and there's disagreement about whether it happened or not.

Starting point is 00:56:03 Certain sects don't think he did and I think there's disagreement about whether it happened or not. Certain sects don't think he did and this, I think there's... Well, let me finish the sentence. William lived in a London of resurrectionists stealing the dead for dissection. Oh, the resurrection men. Yeah, when they were digging bodies up to give to sell to doctors and hospitals. Right, okay.

Starting point is 00:56:17 And they called them resurrection men. That was like the end joke. Just scrap what I said, that wasn't true. Funny how that, funny if you'd heard the end of the sentence, Eli, you would have made a more kind of notable contribution to the episode. I know but it's all part of the Wefton Weave. Yeah there's the Wefton Weave of Cheap Show. It's warts and all show. Particularly the body of giants, so because he was so tall, it's looking like his grave was robbed in that craze of the 1970s. He'd be a very valuable specimen. Apparently 200 guineas had already been offered for his corpse because Willem was considerably

Starting point is 00:56:49 disturbed in his mind. Oh, that his body may be snatched after his death. He was so worried that his body was going to be snatched because he was such a big guy. And apparently, his body was basically like people were saying, well, when he dies, we'll get him yeah isn't it weird though he's really unhappy or it's like I'm not gonna care at the moment that I leave this realm yeah so he was upset that when he died his body's gonna get nicked because he was so tall so his friends obtained

Starting point is 00:57:21 permission to have his seven foot six inch coffin interred in the court garden of the bank and then it was moved to here a little while later. It was in the bank and the garden of the bank I see. In the 70s. In the book Ghosts of Unknown by J. A. Brooks he wonders why his image was not then picked up by guard replacements or the CCTV cameras installed in 1973. Oh they had them, they must have been huge. This is because there is actually no such things as ghosts. Alright, take the fun away from that sentence and thought then. Or maybe because in 1923, William's coffin was removed and moved out of Nunhead Cemetery to be reinterred in consecrated ground.

Starting point is 00:58:09 So no one knows where he's buried but he's not here no more but apparently his ghost is. 1975, Councilman saw a tall dark stranger. He was like an 1800s giant because he was maybe like seven foot and it's not exactly, I mean it's unusual now but not uncommon. So they think his ghost still haunts this place but no his grave isn't even here so there you go. Maybe we'll see him today Mr Silverman. Well if we're looking out for a tall dark handsome ghost. No well not handsome but very I think he'd be sallow-faced and stern like a bank clerk you know. Yeah. All about the details. Looking perturbed. The columns. Where's my body? Clark, you know, all about the details. Looking perturbed. The columns.

Starting point is 00:58:44 Where's my body? Where's my body, he say? He's asking people to pay a debt. Oh, what's up that way? There's a little bit of light up that way. Sock on post. Sock on post? You wanna go up here?

Starting point is 00:58:56 Why don't you sock on post? That's awful. We need to find something. We need to find a bit of, just have a look up here. Listen, that was a little sojourn. We're on the west side now, trying to find a space to have a little gin without being too obvious. But what we could do is leave here and then go to the other park

Starting point is 00:59:14 across the way. You want to do that? We can, we'd have to go back up this way. I mean I've seen enough graves. I've seen enough graves. Let's go back up to that. I've at least seen three to four more graves than I'm in the mood for today. So I think we're done here. Tell you what then, unless we find a place in the next, I don't know, 15 minutes, we'll head over to the recreation ground. Let's do it. Recreation ground then.

Starting point is 00:59:33 All right. I just thought I'd get a bit of spooky ghost story in it. Well, that's fine. A little bit of colour in it to the story. I like colour. Anyone funny names on the gravestones? IP Freely or, uh... Hehehe.

Starting point is 00:59:46 We aim to please, you aim to please. Adam Ski. Because he was a solitary brother, wasn't he? Oh my. Oh sh... I'm making an effort. That is not an effort. It is. That is like word association time.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Well, it's an effort, innit? You have to make an effort to word associate. Eight. well it's an effort in it you have to make an effort to word associate eight no well done thank you oh now we're looking like we've fallen those guys again we are really aren't we let's just get out let's get out of here where is the recreation ground it's up by that way I'll show you when I turn this off I get the phone out and show you where we're going all right but for now let's get out of here. No, it was Bellend.

Starting point is 01:00:31 No, but do you think that was Bellend Road? No, that said Bellend. Look over the footage. Yeah, but maybe they changed it because people kept nicking the signs and they were just sick of it. Vermeer Gardens up there. That's where the allotment saw, see? Oh, he's coming out of his allotment. Oh look, that's where the radio... Which is what I said we couldn't get to because it was surrounded by this allotment.

Starting point is 01:00:53 Oh yes, you can see at the top, that's where the reservoir is. It goes all the way up there, yeah. And I think that wall we passed with the barbed wire was like a reservoir, you know, like the river or whatever. Oh right. Yeah. Anyway, look, we've decided to leave the cemetery because frankly, it's kind of bumming us out actually after a while, wasn't it? Well. A little bit. Just looking for somewhere to drink. Yeah, just looking for somewhere to just relax.

Starting point is 01:01:18 We've found, what is this park? Well, um. Peckham Rye. I think it's Peckham Rye Common or something. Yeah, I think it is. Um... Yes, we made a short... It's only what, what, ten minutes?

Starting point is 01:01:30 And do you know the River Peck is here, Paul? Yes, you said so. Oh, I thought you... Because you just... I texted you and I said, great views, River Peck, and I thought you probably thought River Park or something, because you didn't... No. Because I didn't capitalise Peck, either.

Starting point is 01:01:44 I understood what you were getting at. you know no biggie see this is better in it more open spaces we can sit down freely and relax let's just get in the middle of there and get our drink on please and perhaps we do some after you've had one or two but I know you've had one already something prompts you rap pastiche not not gonna set the bar high but yeah what does that mean rap pastiche you know when you do a little rap in a pastiche way like when we did that other walk and I was like minging the morn minging or whatever it was. Minjin the evening, Minjil day. That was maybe my finest moment of lyrical genius. Oh, where do you want to go though?

Starting point is 01:02:31 It's quite expansive now it's opening up. I like this down here, the parks. You want to stick by a tree. What about one of these trees up here? We go by the foot of the tree. Yeah. Although aren't we a bit too close to the road? You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:02:43 Bit too close to the road for Mr. Gannon's liking. What's wrong with being close to the road. You know what I mean? A bit too close to the road for Mr. Gannon's liking. What's wrong with being close to the road? Footfall, cars, noise. I'm knackered, I want to get my drink. What about these trees that are off for the side of the road? That's what I'm saying. I thought you meant those ones on the actual road. No, I meant that road that you were pointing. That's fine, okay, that's more acceptable. Are we being on that now? Yes. Next one up after this tree? Yeah, fine. Next big tree up? Although I think there's a guy underneath that one. Or maybe I'm just seeing some garbage.

Starting point is 01:03:09 Well there's a tree after that we can go to. Oh, they keep getting further and further away though. Yeah, but once we settle we can settle and we're done. There's going to be people under every bloody tree. Well I mean, yeah, but we've got more places to settle here than in the graveyard, right? So stop complaining! Okay sorry. I think we're both beginning to feel the heat a bit more now.

Starting point is 01:03:30 Because that graveyard was quite leafy and sheltered. I am utterly exhausted as well. My legs hurt. Yeah. Oh and I brought some of that candy. Oh. Stuff that was donated to us and stuff that you got oh you've got the pickled roulette yeah well let's have a go on that yeah and then the

Starting point is 01:03:49 other one that you brought that I think we've done on the podcast already wax bottles apparently having a moment on tik-tok tik-tok man if tik-tok fucking says jump off a cliff but actually I bet fucking loads of people would you know trouble in the true one of the things they had to take down. Yeah, very likely. Jumping off the cliff memes. Hi everyone this is the jumping off a cliff challenge. I'm gonna do this and then I'm gonna pass it on to Bill and if he doesn't he has to give money to charity. What about that film with Coogan? The Penguin Lessons. He's trying to do a sort of educating Rita sort of thing. With penguins. Yeah, basically

Starting point is 01:04:27 I bet they pitched it like that because he's playing a Academic isn't he? But he's one of those based on a true story things innit? About a man whose life was changed because he had to end up looking after a penguin. Some penguins are fucked off And is the penguin gonna be CG and go hello? Hello? I mean, there's probably some CG in it, but it looks like they're all real penguins, innit? They're not meant to be cartoony penguins. It's not like Happy Feet, where they'll all start dancing to fucking Earth, Wind and Fire

Starting point is 01:04:52 at a certain point in the film. Although I would like that. It was a huge hit for him, wasn't it, Happy Feet? George Miller, yeah. Yeah, the sequel was disastrous. He's known for making disastrous sequels. Well, he made Babe 2, didn't he? Which was everyone thinks is the better film.

Starting point is 01:05:09 Oh, do they? But was a commercial flop. Because it was dark. It was a very dark film for a kids film, that. How about this tree? Should we sit here? Yeah. And look, see, there's obviously a little road that splits it.

Starting point is 01:05:20 And then there's another. There's more field there. So we can go further and investigate later. But for now, I reckon we settle here yeah right we're gonna settle in let's have a little just quiet time drinky-poo you and me and then we'll record some more stuff after that yeah groovy right right hello we've had a few drinks and Eli got his picnic mat out that I refused to sit on. No yeah why? Content monkey. I don't know anyway we've had a few drinks I had a rum

Starting point is 01:05:55 any rum rum drink. Oh yes you had what we thought was a rusty nail wasn't a rusty nail rusty nail has got scotch and Drambuie but what you actually had was a version a take a riff of a little tangent a spoof off a spooge cannon a hummus cannon was a version of a cocktail known as a known as a known as a dark and stormy everybody So look through there see there's a sign as well. Let's go through the wonder What's this park that we've come onto now because we should update them the last time we talked to them We were in the cemetery, right? No. No, we talked to them as we were coming in before we found a tree Remember?

Starting point is 01:06:43 I don't remember I sat down and then I had two drinks. I had a gin and a naked... You had a stark and stormy. And then you made me a little bit with gin. And I had what I'd like to term a naked Martinez. Why? Because Martinez is a martini variation which has gin, dry vermouth and orange bitters. And we had it without the vermouth. So it was just gin and bitters. It's not bad, but I had my second one Paul and you noticed a note saying, you said it's a bit like a swimming pool sort of chloriney and on the second time I drank one I got that note so thanks for ruining it for me. Is this what Cheap Show is now? Two sad men drinking. Basically you bought it on us. You're the one who decides

Starting point is 01:07:34 whether we drink or not you know. I didn't want to drink today. I wanted to just enjoy the sun and go for a ramble. You were like, I'm bringing that cracker and that's the main thing. That's the only thing I'm planning is bringing booze to a park. And then Eli made me drink more alcohol and I was crying and I remember saying I don't want it. And oh look, what's that Mr Silverman? What crime do you think has been committed here? There's a Durrex.

Starting point is 01:08:01 It's a Durrex wrapper. Condom missing. And there's some fast food containers that's just been discarded here's a picture they're pissed they come out they've had some food like it looks like a sort of poke bowl or some sort of like shit like that what's it called McCunt is itchy no it is I've seen it online yeah it's McCunt M I K is a lady That's one of those names. Mekunta's Itchy. It's not even a name in English. No it is, I've seen it online. Mekunta's Itchy?

Starting point is 01:08:28 Yeah, it's Mekunta. M-I-K-U-N-T. And then second name, I-Z-I-C-H-I. Itchy. Itchy. Mmm. It's dubious. They eat their fast food, and in a moment of thrill, in a moment of pure abandon,

Starting point is 01:08:51 he goes, I've got a condom in my pocket, let's do dirty sex right here and right now. Do you like it Alfresco? I've done it Alfresco sex. I don't think I've ever had sex outdoors. Really? You're too uptight, Daddy. I've had sex in the Tens at Latitude Festival. I mean, it was outdoors indoors, innit? Outdoors indoors, outdoors indoors!

Starting point is 01:09:17 Indeed it was! Outdoors indoors, outdoors indoors! Oh dear. Anyway, we've had a few libations and now we're going to wander on to this other part of the park. Where are we though? Peckham Rycommon? I think so, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:31 We should check where the fuck we are. You're going to have to because my phone's charging in me bag, mate. Oh, have you got enough charge? Give me some juice. I think so, but I need to focus on my juice right now. Your juice I'll worry about later. What juice level are you on? I'm on 60.

Starting point is 01:09:44 Mine was 30. That's more worrying. Well there you go that's why I'm having the juice first. It's my juice this way. Why? Because that's the entrance to where we need to go. Why do you think we're going that way? For my health. For my health. This is Peckham Ry Common. But I've been Pachyro Ry Common, I've been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from? Peckham Ry Common. What does Cotton Eye even mean? Where did they get it from? I don't think it means nothing. I think it means nothing. Because I believe they stole it from an original

Starting point is 01:10:22 old appellation banjo twangy song but then every single one they released after that was something they just made up bluegrass that's what we're talking about ish i don't think it's quite bluegrass but um yeah every song they released after that that was very similar to cotton eye joe was just based on and it's something they made up. What they called the Rednecks. Rednecks. But Rednecks were interesting in that they don't really exist.

Starting point is 01:10:51 It's like allegedly a bunch of producers and they just farm in fuckers. Apparently, like, the version of Rednecks that exists now is a completely different production group. They just literally sold it off like a McDonald's. It's a franchise. Yeah. I can't believe they're still going. Conceptually the idea. Well people you know it fills the bill like uninspired festival creators go oh people recognize that they stick it on the bill you know that's the way it works. For one

Starting point is 01:11:18 song. Yeah. And then all these cunts go I remember this and then they go home and go back to the tent for a bit of indoors outdoors. Indoors outdoors, indoors outdoors. You've, yeah, you came upon something there Paul. I did, quite right. I did. There's bowls, there's bowls, we've got to be respectful for the bowls. Where are we going then? Up this way, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:11:41 Is there a pierced possible? I'm open so, there's a crossroads ahead maybe that will illuminate us with some information regarding the piss possible mission piss piss and piss possible is this mission possible right well that says something gardens i think that's the bexby gardens and then it says japanese gardens children children's play area, the lake. I'd like to see the Japanese gardens, I don't know about you. No I'm fine with that. There's a one sign that's facing behind us but what does that say?

Starting point is 01:12:16 The oval car park, oh the toilets were behind us. So it's probably back the way we came. Well what do you want to do? Well tell you what, let's regard the map, see where they exactly are, see if we can get to them and then we'll come back after that. Well we might as well go for a piss, huh? A piss may as well mate. I'm feeling it. Are you feeling it? It's 5.30. Is it?

Starting point is 01:12:38 Where are these fucking... Well I mean it just has a... it just says that way. I'm going to put toilet toilet into City Mapper. Well I'm sure it's the one. It must be by the car park. Which way is that? That's not pointing. Because look it's pointing. Well that way. Maybe it's round the bend from where we came in. So let's just go back the way we came. If I put toilets into City Mapper itives me something literally like the other side of London all the way up in nw1

Starting point is 01:13:10 Like Camden, that's toilet if you just put toilet in says next ones about that's toilet number one on their list Toys that they fall down in it those maps and stuff when you type in something like toilet it goes AI supposed to why can't they put an AI there who knows surely something that understands if I put toilet into a map app it knows I need the nearest toilet. I mean that's the most obvious thing in the world isn't it?

Starting point is 01:13:36 Isn't it? We all need toilets. Oh that one's... That little doggie's dropping tods. Literally cord of my eye and all I see is hot tod drop off. Snap that off. Doggy's dropping toads. That's what a dog needs. Literally caught in my eye and all I see is hot toad drop on the ground. I saw those toad drop offs as well mate. Snap that off. Right so. It looked quite moist.

Starting point is 01:13:49 It might be round this deer. It did look wet. It looked like. They're going to have to pick it up those two. The owners. With the tissue. No with a little bag or something don't they. They have a little bag they put their hand on.

Starting point is 01:13:58 You can't get a bag round a wet one like that. Yeah dad's picking it up. He's got a little bag on his hand. That almost made me vom. Really? Yeah, it was the wet... Oh! Wet tod.

Starting point is 01:14:08 The sloppy tod. The sloppy wet tod dropping out the dog's bot. We both saw it everywhere. We both saw each and every snip. It wasn't one of those instances. Usually you, you're the one who sees things shit, eat shit. A scoffing... Do you remember that dog to you?

Starting point is 01:14:24 That dog to scoff the the chods down, yeah. That was down in the south as well, they were saying. I was trying to remember when that was, what episode, I can't remember. Is it? Yes. Because remember that was the guy who was like cycling next to that woman with the dog. He was like, I get you dog, I get you this dog, I raise dogs. That's a ship's dog, you were saying, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:40 But the dog just was chowing right down on chodney. Toilets that way. Hot chod in the dog just was chowing right down on Chodney toilets that way Hot Chod in the dog's mods. Yes mate. Oh This does not bow well. Sexby garden Is it sex by garden? It's much more me than you that sex by It doesn't look open. I Know more illumination a neon sign and come in actually why not because that's weird you don't want people to know you're

Starting point is 01:15:13 going to lose you know me what's wrong to think you're just walking by some kind of little hut or something park office it's not a breach on this tour yeah this is the park office is this the River Perk or whatever you called it? Peck. For Peckham. River Peck? Peckham, as in town by the Peck. Is the toilet here? Is this it? I think it's here.

Starting point is 01:15:34 That's where the word cottageing comes from. I bet it does, yeah. Let me get a shot of you by the cottage. Alright, good. You should refill your water bottle please. Alright, I'll do it. I'll do it when I come back. With you? Yes. Honest to God, I'm taking a picture of this cottage and me standing against it, which

Starting point is 01:15:50 in itself looks suspicious. It's cool, this is great. Is it? It's online. Good, you put this one online. I'm going to go for a pee and turn this off. Right so we are actually at Beckham Rye Park. We're into the toilets. As toilets in the park go, not too bad. Nothing special but not off-puttingly gross. Eli wants to go to

Starting point is 01:16:17 the Japanese gardens and then Sexby gardens. Or should we go Sexby first? I think we're closer to Sexby. No we're not, we're close to Japanese gardens. Oh, by the way, we're not in Peckham Rye Common. I've already done this, mate. We can skip it. Oh, you already said that. So we came in.

Starting point is 01:16:33 Where did we come in from? There, didn't we? That's a bit Monty Python. Oh, yeah. So we need to come back on our way, that way, and then go Japanese gardens. You're right. The Japanese are on the way to Sexby.

Starting point is 01:16:44 OK. And then there's American gone to see the rockery all right how where's the rockery down it's near the clock it's a rockery around the clock I'm glad drink more mate drink more let's go to the Japanese shelter and then the Japanese garden. Okay. And then there's a lake and there's a skate park, an adventure centre, a rustic bridge. It's got everything.

Starting point is 01:17:12 Tennis, or is that football? That's football actually. Football. And then all this shit. We can find something. Grassland West. Is that what we're on? We came through here.

Starting point is 01:17:20 No, we came out through that entrance. We came in through there. We walked up that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we went around that. Oh. No, we were here, mate. No, we weren't that way. When we came down, we came in through there we walked up that way yeah yeah yeah because we went around that oh no we were here mate no we weren't that way when we came down we came in through there we came in through the corner do you remember we came in through the corner and we came along this is that row of trees that we were talking about before and so we were under one of these trees then we cut across here but there's the toilets we didn't go that way we came here and then went up to the

Starting point is 01:17:41 toilets either way we're going that way it doesn doesn't fucking matter. What's that? That looks like quite a gnarly slide. Yeah, it's an adventure playground. And look, you can see the shard. Poking its little head out. This is the other side of the shard that you usually see though, because we're looking south to north. Just this big monolith. It's alright.

Starting point is 01:17:58 It's a little bit dystopian, isn't it? It's very dystopian. It's got like shades of Blade Runner to it. It really is. I don't like buildings made of glass. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a very common material. Like a hundred years from now, that's going to look like shit innit? Well people use glass because it signifies sort of prestige and high finance and modernism. Look there's a little peck, here's another little peck. It's not the peck. That's just a rivulet.

Starting point is 01:18:26 Ah, where are we going? The Japanese shelter. Yeah, somewhere around there. I think that's it there. Yeah, that's it. And then the gardens up the way from there. All right, let's go to the shelter and then go to the garden. As the Rolling Stones once said, give me shelter. Eh? Eh?

Starting point is 01:18:42 Yes. Eh? Do you like that one? No. I do it to please you. That was off, that was really really poor compared to the rockery around the clock. Poor, I'll show you. The rockery around the clock was much better. Rockery around the cockery. Right and then yes, Exby Gardens up this way as well. So yeah we're on the right way, there's a little bridge there, look at that. Do you like that Eli, Do you like a bridge? I like a little bridge. There's a little bridge. The ornate bridge we were talking about. No the other one's a rustic. I guess that would be ornate. Look see. Can I go up here? Take a picture and all this shit so people can see the wonder of our walk today.

Starting point is 01:19:18 This walk. We'll get in the Japanese shelter. All right then as the Americans once said. Hey Alright then, as the Americans once said, hey satire, I'm sitting lower now. See I'm all full of gags today mate. Satire sat lower. Oh my fucking word. Sat higher sat higher sat lower. Can you please can we stop this little recording session please. Why this is our best material, I want to see where it goes. I like this little river.

Starting point is 01:19:47 That is a lovely little bridge, isn't it? Oh, I wish my phone wasn't charging. I'd be taking pictures left, right and centre. I'm taking some pictures. Yeah, sloppy pictures. Careless pictures. I'm not taking this from you today. Just like Wham, you take careless pictures. Whispers. Woo! They've really fallen off since the rockery man. Stop trolling. Hey look, rockery was gold. Cockery was gold.

Starting point is 01:20:09 Capital gold, that's where they play rock around the clock on. Nice work. You shouldn't accept that. Cockery around the rockery. I believe the drink has now finally kicked in. It fucking has, hasn't it? Is what's happening here, mate. Is that naked Martinez, mate? You know what's weird? Usually when I get drink I get horn.

Starting point is 01:20:26 I don't have it. What do you have instead? Like a calm pleasantness. Oh that's good. I'm glad you're high. With anger. With anger. There's a little squirrel coming right for us mate. He's giving me the eye. He is. He just realised I'm talking about him.

Starting point is 01:20:39 He decided on the best course of action. He's had the measure of us. You remember those fucking aggy squirrels at- Oh yeah, in a- And pigeons, they were gold as green. They fucking went for ya. There's a- there's a bridge. You go over the bridge, where's the Japanese garden then?

Starting point is 01:20:56 Here. Thank you. That way. Oh yeah. Wonderful, thank you very much. There we go, see? The kindness of strangers. We've got to go round though because there's a gate and shit now. Oh it's alright.

Starting point is 01:21:08 Jack and you can open the gate with your hands. I think I might be able to manage it, it depends on the extent. Oh there's a lovely little space, oh there's a family there. Oh it's very, there's lovely little places of calm. It's a lovely park I have to say, you're right. You know what, we went from a place of death and... To a place of life. To a place of like calm and tranquility maybe that's

Starting point is 01:21:25 why i'm not feeling horny i'm feeling too tranquil well people say that i didn't i find the cemetery quite tranquil and calming yeah but it's also a reminder of the inevitability of where we all go and you're surrounded by that inevitability yeah i guess guess yeah. But look there's a doggy walking, I think we saw a doggy dropping tods. Don't remind me of that please. Is that another bowling green there? That is the one we saw when we came in. I keep doing that don't I? I keep going to the other side of an object and going is that a different object? That is the third time today you've done that. Is this a different place altogether? No it's just the other side. It's a different perspective of where we were. I don't know why I'm being like that, I'm usually all right on directions and stuff. But you've had like what is it eight lagers since we've been...

Starting point is 01:22:11 I have... Stop gaslighting me! I have not had eight lagers. Oh see this is pretty. This is the Japanese Garden. No this is Sexby Gardens. We missed the Japanese Garden. I didn't. They were in it, those strangers. No they said it was there where the purple flowers were. It's to the north let's see if we can get around this side. Wait you don't know where we're going. We know this is Sexby right? Yeah baby. I remember that. 999 Sexby Avenue. Nice, very nice. Okay now that, now we're on the rockery. It's like a guy, a policeman who works in Vice. Where does he live? 999 Sexby Avenue. Oh, look at this. Toilets, Sexby.

Starting point is 01:22:51 See, it's this way. It says behind us. Sexby Gardens, Japanese Gardens. It's behind us where we've just come. And then there's the thing. Let's go round. I like Sexby Gardens anyway. Let's go Sexby Gardens.

Starting point is 01:23:02 Let's go Sexby Gardens. This is descending now. Into what? Just the normal nonsense. Comedy Gold, mate. Yes, I think so. Comedy Gold is what it is. And we are the masters of comedy.

Starting point is 01:23:14 Police would let the police, Paul. They would not believe me. What? When I told them I wrote my autobiography on flypaper. I think I'll wait. Didn't you do this gag already on the podcast? Yeah, I'm just... You want to do it again? Road shopping. They didn't believe me, Paul, when I told them I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. Didn't you do this gag already on the podcast? Yeah I'm just workshopping. You want to do it again? They didn't believe me Paul when I told them I'd written my autobiography on flypaper. Yeah. But that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Starting point is 01:23:32 It's nice, it's a good, it's not your gag is it? And by workshopping it do you mean just saying it exactly the same as your first, as the first time? I think they delivered more clearly. Yeah, true. They had more polish. They had more clarity, that, I think. So with all that being said. Here is Exby Gardens. Yeah, take a left. I don't know why. This reminds me, actually, of, funnily enough, Golders Hill that has similar sort of paved gardens.

Starting point is 01:23:58 Beautiful. What should we do? Right now? Find somewhere else to to drink more gin. That's where I'm into. I've got another desperado. Can you dedicate another gin to Mr. Gannon? Absolutely, no.

Starting point is 01:24:12 Of course. And will you be my best friend forever? One, two, three. It looks like I'm destined to be involved for at least another few years with you. Months. Errr... Oh, there's a dog looking out the pond. Licking out the pond. It's licking out the pond, innit? It's l dog looking out the pond. Licking out the pond.

Starting point is 01:24:25 It's licking out the pond, isn't it? It's licking out of the pond. Yeah. There's another thing you could say which doesn't have any of those connotations. I don't hear any connotations, mate. It seems like it's your mucky mind. Licking out the pond.

Starting point is 01:24:38 How long have you been recording for? You said, you all heard him say licking out the pond. What's this say? I can't see shit nine minutes is that too long is this too long have we been going too long yeah ten years ten years ten years I you know when next week's the award structurally unsound yeah because they've fenced off parts of Sexby Gardens. Feels like the whole of Sexby Gardens

Starting point is 01:25:09 is permanently fenced off from me. Anyway, little musing there. I was just going to say. Only joking. It's the awards next week as well. No, I am totally sexless. The Golden Loams Awards next week. Are we being frank?

Starting point is 01:25:22 I'm afraid of turning up and not having any award to go home with. We're not going to win an award. We already won the World Cup of comedy podcasts. Is that not enough for you? It's nice. It was very nice. This is industry bullshit. I know.

Starting point is 01:25:38 And the point is to go have a present and just be a bit pissed up. I'd love to win something though. Just once in my life I'd like something I'd make to win something though. And just be a bit pissed up. You know, I'd love to win something though. Just once in my life I'd like something I'd make to be acknowledged. We won the World Cup! You're saying that wasn't a proper thing? That was voted for by real people, real listeners. Whereas this isn't, is it? This is industry.

Starting point is 01:25:58 This is peers and industry. This is bullshit. They're not peers. It's bullshit. Anyway, can I just say one more thing? I also would like to win, don't get me wrong. But can I just say one more thing what I also would like to win don't get me wrong but can I just say one more thing Paul yeah the categories that we're nominated in even if we won for what best theme tune no best earworm which is like music in a podcast which to be fair if we win it could be for it is it's for something

Starting point is 01:26:21 for noise it's for Noiseland's music well it's really Noiseland's award, isn't it? But then the other one is Shower Not a Grower, which actually... Which you haven't explained to me. It's about the podcast that... It's hard to explain without reading it off their website, but effectively it's like the ones that have formulated an audience around their podcast that might not be huge numbers, but has this nice respect for audience and content creators and the back and forth. A good relationship between, but that's what I honestly,

Starting point is 01:26:49 but I honestly think out of all of them, that's a really good one I would like to win. Okay. It shows you that we wouldn't be doing this 10 years in. About you guys. Without everyone who listens. I don't know if you like the word guys, but you people.

Starting point is 01:26:59 And support us, whether it's on Patreon, or whether it's they vote. You fucking people. Tell them about Patreon then. Or they give us a review on Twitter or whatever or on Apple pods, you know what I mean? So that one is actually quite meaningful. I'm getting the horn.

Starting point is 01:27:11 That's the problem here. I'm getting the horn from the booze, yeah. Oh, this is a role reversal isn't it? This is my fourth day drinking. I'm drinking myself clear. Oh, hat and a fence. We've had, we've had glove on the pole. That's a hat and a fence.

Starting point is 01:27:23 Yeah, what we are, yeah. That's a, hey, do you, offense, offense. Hat, offense, hat and a fence. It's That's a hat on a fence. A fence. Hat on a fence. It's a kids hat on a fence. It's a Chris Hat on a fence. We had a glove on a log, didn't we? What was it? A glove on a log and a hat on a fence? Remember you saw that glove on a pole?

Starting point is 01:27:38 It was a glove on a pole. It was a glove on a fence. It wasn't a log. Glove on a roll. Glove on a roll. Love on a... Love on an elevator. Er... Glove on a rep... Glove on a pole, hat on a fence.

Starting point is 01:27:51 And love in an elevator. Fuggin' it up when I'm going down. That didn't fucking age well, did it? That dude looks like a lady. I would have to listen to the lyrics again to understand the context, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess that because it was Steven Tyler doing the lyrics. It's probably not aged well no you're right monster that man. That old Neil Hamburger joke isn't it about that so if you want to listen to that joke

Starting point is 01:28:11 listen to his album First of Dismay which you sure you don't have I do not have it mate I literally went through every record I could find in my flat and did a spreadsheet for it. It must have been mine it must be mine then. It's definitely yours you bought it I was actually envious at the time Anyway, I'll finish it out. I just listened to it on Spotify about What's the endless road? Yeah, and this role of Kirkley's talking about Kirkland signature

Starting point is 01:28:36 Yeah, which are from Costco because that's there's in store brand. Oh, what's this? Oh, we should wrap this up Really not like the episode. I'm still in the groove. But this segment. Forget not my and my garden, how Native American plants found their way to 18th century Britain. Forget not me. M-E-E. Why not me? Is it someone called me? John me? That's how they used to spell me. Don't know. It's like ye olde me. John Bartram was a farmer and botanist. In 19... I'm a botanist.

Starting point is 01:29:12 Look, it says... Canna... Cannalde. Cannalde Bonpartie. He met and corresponded with many important botanical figures of the time between 1699 and 1777. The journey he went from there, the seed boxes they brought over, Peter Cullison haberdashery, Ching and James Goat Race, something like that.

Starting point is 01:29:34 You need to cut that out, you're just mumbling. Look at all this expanse, this space, let's find a place for another drink. The expanse looks dreary, let's go somewhere else. Where, this is where we go. No, it's windy as well. Where? This is where we go. No, it's windy as well. Where are we going to go? Is it that bench over there?

Starting point is 01:29:48 Up there. By the trees over there. But there's like people. There's more people there. No there isn't. We'll go out to the right. You fucking get rad on my tits sometimes. Come on Paul.

Starting point is 01:29:56 I've got instincts for this. I've got what's known as park cred. Basic instincts. Are you going to show me your beaver with your basic instincts? I've got park cred, yeah? Yeah. Like street rep. Like a park rep. Park life. Are you going to show me your beaver with your basic instincts? I've got park cred, yeah? Yeah. Like street rep. Like a park rep.

Starting point is 01:30:07 Park life. Yeah, park cred. Right, hang on, how long is this? 40 minutes. This is the longest segment we've recorded. I've got park radar. And for what? For what content?

Starting point is 01:30:15 Non-content. Non-content? The best thing we've done so far in the last half hour is have a piss. No, it was not. It was the rockery one. Yeah, and who gave that? Gannon gave that. I think once again once again Gannon is the foundational structure of this podcast that keeps it afloat. What are you? Oh look at that. Look at that modernist building on the hill there.

Starting point is 01:30:37 Well that's very much a building on the hill. Do you want to take a picture of that so when people listen back to this episode and decide to go to our website They can see a picture of the very example you're talking about. I love that building. Yeah, right. I am losing interest in this in this moment Well, I'm recording because you never know when gold's gonna come out. Gold's not gonna come out. You know what was slightly golden colored Well, that dog's f***ing... It was! It was, wasn't it? It had a nice caramac colour to it. It f***ing did. It's making me feel unwell. It looked like fibrous caramac.

Starting point is 01:31:12 Right, let's just find somewhere to go and drink. Alright, we'll do it. Here you go little microphone. Here you go sleeping in me bag. Wakey wakeyy it's time to wake up microphone. Come on don't sneeze in my direction you fucking disease red cretin. Come on out now. Oh shit. Quiet now.

Starting point is 01:31:35 Eli and I are in the park. Peckham ride park. And we've sat down and we think there's cottaging going on. Wow who'd you see go in there? I saw some of them go into there. yeah all right I put myself I saw one person or two one but you know it's obviously on the follow you know I mean he was on the follow you can tell by a man's gait if he's on the follow into a stand of bushes, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:32:08 Seems you know a lot about this. I'm number one cottage... You're a cottageing expert. Yes, I like hard rough trade. A cottage-ophile, is that what you are? No Paul, why do you have to make it like this? I was developing a character, it was really funny. It was really cool the way I was talking.

Starting point is 01:32:27 It was in an argot. Jury's out on that one. The jury has come back in, they've had their sandwiches. They've had their coffee. A vote of no confidence. And they've said, extremely funny. What is your verdict? Extremely funny man.

Starting point is 01:32:40 No, they didn't say that. They said guilty, deaf, hanging by his neck until he is dead. He wouldn't let it breathe. You wouldn't let it lie. Anyway, have they come out yet? You have to say that, that's typical of you. No they haven't come out.

Starting point is 01:32:53 You know what, come on. Let's go in, let's go in. I know by a man. Let's go in and say we know what you're doing, we know what you're doing. Can we just get on with the end of the episode please? No, we've got plenty of episode left to come. No. By my reckoning, another two or three hours of this episode is going to happen.

Starting point is 01:33:09 To hell. No, I've got stuff in my bag for us to eat. Yay. Let's be up front with them though, Paul. We're always up front with our listeners. Update them on the number of naked martinas we've both had. I've had three altogether. I've had three altogether.

Starting point is 01:33:27 And then I've had the booze. Oh, my booze drink, don't spill it. And then I've had two of them. That's it. Unless we actually drink this. Unless we take the. Just neck the Angostura. The orifice limiter off this Angostura.

Starting point is 01:33:40 That's what they call them. You don't want to drink that neat though, do you? They do. They have a Trinidad Sidad sour uses like a proper measure It can be done. So what ice sugar? No, it's a sour so it has citrus so it's like Orange or lemon, but they use like an actual ounce of the Angostura bitters. Yeah, that must be fierce well

Starting point is 01:34:02 Let's do it. I would drink a shot of this. Shall we do one today? No, but let's not do that. I've got to get the other candies out. That's how we're gonna finish the episode, doing a shot of Hanging Story. That's how all good podcasts should end, with your presenters just laying low. Oh, we've got a Nick Nips. Nick Nips. You got those to get them from America? No, I got them, look at that price. It's an insult. 450 for muck. Do you know why I got these though? Why? Because I was looking at the pack that was like half the size maybe yeah And that was fucking 399 or something. So you and then I picked up this and he went yeah, there's a better deal there Tick-tock things he's fucking upset. I've priced it your prick you price them so it's on you

Starting point is 01:34:40 Yeah, but he's saying it's a better deal is a better not just do a better deal for this It has twice as many for only 50p more. Right, but hey, here's the thing. I am, I'm gonna say at least 90% sure we've done these on the podcast before. No, I'm- And we didn't know how to eat them then. I'll go further.

Starting point is 01:34:55 I will up that. Up that. I will up that percentage to 97.5, something like that. I'm gonna go 98. We definitely have. I'm up in it. We've done these-. I remember thinking, because we ate them wrong. Because they are wax candy, they're wax bottles with liquid juicy, liquid sweetie inside. Like that juice, liquid juice. Nick and Lip. I'm gonna have to

Starting point is 01:35:22 pretend, look it up. Nick and Lip. So Nick said it was a big tip-top thing you look you know I don't believe that for a fucking second And it says bite him drink him churn so all I bite the top off and then Put Nick lips Put Nick and lips in nickel. Well says But you know like rock and roll, but this is Nick nip eight pack bottles artificially flavoured mini drinks. How many is that for £9.50? About the same. Oh yeah because it's £4.50 delivery. That's the one. That's the bottle. It's four you can get for £2.70. Yeah well that's over done that where shall I look oh Wikipedia here we

Starting point is 01:36:05 go what does it say fucking hate this yeah it's too big read it out man Nick L nip Nick Nick L nip nickel nip is a brand of you can say how you like sounds like a graveyard name Nicholas lip. Can you calm down? Nipple lick, vaginal lick. Yes, vaginal. Laffy, laffy, lip-lap. Laffy, lip-lap. You're feeling the gin, man. The gin just hit me. Good. I'm glad everyone's in a good mood. So, can you stop though? Please. Read. I'm trying to do a thing and it doesn't... Make the man make words happen. Make them happen, man. Man, make words come out of... I'm gonna, I can. I still can, you're lightweight.

Starting point is 01:36:52 Now, it's a brand of confectionery created by Vinny Cavallo. Vinny Cavallo? In the early 20th century, this is interesting. Early 20th century? Well, earliest. What has become of of you man? I'm having mental health issues up the wazoo mate. A lot of it is to do with the words you can't say properly. So anyway 20th century this was invented yeah? Mate you're gonna love this next sentence you are. I love it. It comes in a variety of fruit flavors marketed by Tootsie Roll Industries. Oh Tootsie Roll you say. They're a big

Starting point is 01:37:30 American confectionery. What is a Tootsie Roll? I've never cut to the bottom of this. It's a little fudge chocolate basically isn't it? A wrapped chocolate. That's right how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll? Because I think it has something in the middle. This is weird I did not think they were an old thing but they are ancient. That's why they're weird waxy bullshit. I see that though, the colour on those images look a lot brighter and sharper than the ones in the actual pack, which are quite pastily impaled. They are, you're absolutely right.

Starting point is 01:37:52 Thank you, I am. Do you know why that is? Because this fucking non-entity that took this photo has put the saturation right up. That's what it is. I hate that. Just when they put saturation up on every photo, just to... I'm with ya. Do you know what I mean? I'm with ya. Why would you do that? Prick. You're ruining reality. Cause you're prick.

Starting point is 01:38:10 Come on. The Nick Helm Nip brand isn't... Nick Helm? The Nick Helm Nip brand? Nick Helm Nip-a-lip. Stop trying to say Nick Helm just cause he's our mate or whatever. Nick if you're listening mate mate. He's not listening. You need to brand this up the wazoo. He was lying about that. He does listen. Because he was specific about a few references. The Nick Helm's nickel lip brand candy. Nipple lick brand. I would buy that. Nick Helm. That was like a chapstick thing. Nick Helm's nipple lick brand. Yeah, nipple lick brand. If you lick out ponds. You said that. You fucking sit. It's gone big again. Shut up we're getting through this article man. Do it. You've got all the time in the world mate. Oh fucking hell. Go on. Alright sorry I'm getting a bit hay fever. What is this candy? I'm getting to it.

Starting point is 01:39:01 You're not though. The Nick L Nip brand. Nick L? Oh my god I was Nick Elnip brand don't stop saying that stop okay I'm just gonna say the brand yeah okay the brand yeah name is a shut the fuck up the brand name no honestly shut up stop laughing fuck sake the brand name is a combination of the original cost, a nickel, and the candy's resemblance... resemblance... I did it! I did it! Resemblance! Call me a resemblance!

Starting point is 01:39:40 Resemblance to miniatures of alcohol. Nick... nickel... Nickel? What? Nickel is a lick. No hang on. Miniatures of alcohol known in some regions as nips. Yeah like you take a nip. Oh okay yeah. It's just a nip in the bottle. So it's a nickel of a lip. It makes sense mate. The name may also come. What do you mean may also? They don't know. They don't know the etymology of a brand name. It's early 20th century isn't it? They don't know Coca-Cola for sure. I've been watching this thing about the Coca-Cola company.

Starting point is 01:40:08 Fucking hell. They are evil fuckers who rewrite their own history. Oh that is quite the surprise. Dear Coca-Cola, if you're listening, you need to get your shit together for that orange creme. Mate, yes, thank you for bringing that up. I was just about to go. Thanks for the call back. That's fright, Mr Coca-Cola, we know about your fucking dirty history, that is fright, and unless you bring, unless you fucking forthwith, I'll go so far as to say forthwith bring the fucking orange creme, the name, candy's resemblance to minutes of alcohol sometimes sounds like, oh yeah we're still doing this,

Starting point is 01:40:40 the name may also come from a preferred method of opening the wax bottles, can you guess? Which is to nip, brackets bite, the top off. It has a fruity tasting liquid flavouring inside of it. Once the top of the small bottle shaped wax container has been bitten off, one can drink the fruit flavoured syrup inside. Shall we do this now? Yeah, finally. Have we got enough background there? Yeah, that's enough. We've covered the basics. Which flavour nip did Nick nick Nick nick?

Starting point is 01:41:04 I would like to lick your tip. Oh, look at that's enough. We've covered the basics. Which flavour nip-a-din-nick-nip-nip? I would like to lick your tip. Look at that basket thing. We should take a picture of this before we open it quick. Toot-sweet, toot-sweet mahani, toot-toot, toot-sweet mahani, oof-oo, toot-sweet mahani, toot-sweet, toot-sweet mahani, a jiggly-woo, a jiggly-wow. A jiggly-, a jiggly wow. A jiggly wow, yes. A jiggly woo with a how, a jiggly bib bab, I'm out your row. A zip dab, a zippy boobie. You like your scat then?

Starting point is 01:41:29 I love out your row, I'm going for all his albums, I'm in love with them. Can we have him put some on, mate? After we do this. Put some roof garden on, that's the fucking classic. Well, just tell me tunes and I'll go for it, because I do like that stuff as well. Ba da da da, ba da da, ba da da da, ba da da da,

Starting point is 01:41:43 yeah, great stuff. Right, what flavor of Nick and Nip do you want? I will go with that purple one at the end. Or pink, whatever you want to call it. Don't put your nose right on it when I'm about to touch it with my tongue. Right, you can have that purple one then. No, just give me that. You see, you don't care really, do you?

Starting point is 01:41:57 Because I want to fuck you. Exactly. Think how much our fluids would mix in. What is this actually made of? Is it real wax? Does it say wax on it? It's not edible. No, I know, but what I'm saying is, is this actually made of? This wax? Is it real wax? Does it say wax on it? It's not edible. No, I know but what I'm saying is is it made of wax? Does it say wax? It's wax with juice in. Refined wax. What does refine mean? It's paraffin. It's gone because it wears a tuxedo and goes to all the best dinner parties.

Starting point is 01:42:18 Yes, it's a cut above. Wow. So you know, like the tin. These trousers are so bright. They are neon green. They are so bright, these trousers. Like pale green. Do you remember in the late 90s, I know I've said this before. Oh, I remember. When lime green came in. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:32 And it was like, do you remember that? I never remember lime green until lime green came in. I'm biting the nipping the knot. So, you bite the tip. I want a green one. That's up to you. Why do you go for that good one, man? Well, you can get the other good one if you want. You can try can get the other one if you want I think this is gonna be disgusting anyway

Starting point is 01:42:47 It's gonna be so we bite the tip off where the cap would be in this design and then we suck Yeah, cuz I remember eating this like it was meant to be a chewy candy. No, that wasn't it was all wax. Here we go. I like Like this must be cherry because this has got a cherry smokey note to it. It's like one of the original sort of toy, it's like half a toy because there's a certain, it's a thing to get the thing out. It's like a, it reminds me as well of the way kids would suck on ice, what were those ice pop things? Freeze pops. Freeze pops, you know what I mean? It's that, you sort of suck it and you've got a delayed gratification with getting the sweet out You know you have to do a little work We've talked about work to reward ratio with food stuff like nuts before haven't we? Yeah like pistachios

Starting point is 01:43:31 We said that's work not enough not you think pistachios too much too much work. You're going against what you I'm allowed to change my mind. Okay. Do you still think that? No, we said before let me just remind you I'm pretty sure I've always been on that pistachios are too much hard work. No, no, no Walnuts are way too much hard fucking work. We both agree with that. But let me say, I just want to say your previous position to make it clear. Your previous position was, because this came up when we were tasting

Starting point is 01:43:56 taco flavoured sunflower seeds. If you remember. Why would I? And we said there was not enough sunflower seed reward to ratio opening those fuckers But then we said pistachios got the perfect balance and you were in agreement then and I think if you reconsider right now You would also agree, but you won't because you can't ever back down especially when we're recording. I can see it and I back down That's how I get through a day

Starting point is 01:44:24 Yeah, to make me wrong about that. Yeah, that's how I get through a day Any tissues I might have hang up in me back pocket, so you don't even want another one of those They're not very satisfying in any respect Honestly mate, there's nothing rewarding about that snack at all. It's horrible gooey slurp Syrup and then horrible wax. There you go. Right, I tell you what, let's take a quick break before we do the other snack and I can... Just a tiny one, just a tiny one to break it up. This is already like 15 minutes. That flew past. Yeah it did. Time flies when you're having fun.

Starting point is 01:45:01 Oh you're going out! Don't, you don't want to put this in. Why are we back? Oh, my elastic bands broke off. Oh no. Now you can hear the rattle in the hum of me little holder. I'm going to get a mark for the nick and nips. Oh yeah, that's a one out of five. You know what, I didn't see what there is supposed to be in a TikTok thing.

Starting point is 01:45:22 Yeah, you didn't get that point out. I don't believe it's a TikTok thing, mate. See also. No, there's no TikTok craze. You've brought that up in your brain. I don't like them. They're horrible. Oh, here we go. Oh, good. One final point.

Starting point is 01:45:36 The wax in Nick Elnip wax food, wax bottles is food grade and not toxic. Although it's meant to be chewed but not swallowed. Gross. It's stupid, isn't it? But it is like a toy thing isn't it? It's gross, I don't see the point of it. It's like a precursor to chewing gum almost. You chew the wax. I quite like chewing gum. Chewing gum is satisfactory to some extent but this is just empty, it's an empty snack. There's no fun in it.

Starting point is 01:46:00 You don't like the fun of squeezing the juice into your mouth. No, because the juice is unsatisfactory. It's a bit of a mess now. You've got another one haven't you? We've got a bit of gambling on the show. I know you oppose that Paul. You've got him, you took him off me. You must have took him off me. I'm too drunk to play Bellatro.

Starting point is 01:46:18 That's alright, that's not pertinent to what we're doing right now. Which is striking little hot comedy content. We've run out of steam. Where have you put your snap? I don't know. You took him off me. I didn't do nothing. You took him off me.

Starting point is 01:46:31 See? Right. Sour Punch Pickle Ruler. You have a photo of these, right? No. Fucking take a photo. I can't because it's still charging. Take a fucking photo.

Starting point is 01:46:39 I'll have a little drink while he's doing that. How much charge have you got? Oh God, don't put that grout on it. I'm keeping it all in. People need to see us raw. That grout really was from the depths. It was really bad. It was a gutter monkey, wasn't it? Listen, here's a little personal detail, a little personal colour. I had a kebab last night, didn't finish it, it was a mixed oner, cheesy chips.

Starting point is 01:47:02 Oh, mixed oner. Hi. Donner, cheesy chips. And I basically ate the lamb Donner part last night and then passed out and it was in my room. This is your hero talking by the way. For breakfast I had the remaining chicken Donner bit. It's being efficient, I don't want to waste the food. Look see, taking a picture is how I punch. Happy now. But please don't let that put you off me. Who, me? I'm talking to the listener now. Oh, and maybe a potential suitor or mate. Is that what you're saying? No, I'm just saying...

Starting point is 01:47:33 Are you saying that to potential suitors or mates, please ignore, strike it from the record? I'm just saying, I wouldn't... If I was in a relationship, I obviously wouldn't behave like that. I think you would. I think it goes... I'd put a kebab at the end of my bed and then finish it off. That's pure single man behaviour. Yeah, but you've got bad habits now haven't you? I could drop them if I was getting Pada to ask. It's like,

Starting point is 01:47:54 darling, Eli, my love, my love, please move the kebab between us. Please move them out of the way darling. Now I get confused which is the fucking kebab. Which is your fucking... Urgh, urgh kebab! Urgh, fucking... Alright mate. Meaty Peter. There was no need to... Meaty, Meaty Peter! I'm not...

Starting point is 01:48:11 I'm not Meaty Peter. It's a fucking chilli sauce on that, love. Right, we're doing this next thing anyway. It's called Sour Punch Pickle Roulette. Test to taste your odds. Pickle flavoured straws hidden in every pack. What's that? Oh, dog owners, man. That's the same dog.

Starting point is 01:48:25 I'm gonna kick that dog in the head. Knock it out. So there is green apple, lemon lime, watermelon and pickle. I don't know where the roulette thing comes from because I think it's just all in a bag and they all look the same colour and one of them might be pickle. One of them's pickle, that's the roulette thing. Then let's play now. There's no spinner, no. No, let's play this game. Let's play this game of life. Let's play this game. You want to know what I bet? Paul gets a pickle and I get something tasty nice.

Starting point is 01:48:51 Straight away, do you want to go first then? It always happens, it always happens with us. They all look like, what they call like those red laces. Yeah, they're all green. Right, I'm going to pick... They're powdered. I'll pick this one. That one underneath, that is definitely going to be the pickle.

Starting point is 01:49:06 Hold the other one. Oh, there's two here. You didn't get the one you went for originally. Oh, fuck it. I'll have that one. I'll have this one. They're probably the same. I know this is pickle already. I smell pickle on this as well. Maybe they're all pickle. That's the joke. Oh, this is pickle. This is apple. This is pickle. I told you, actually.

Starting point is 01:49:30 I don't know what this is now. I actually don't know. Let's taste the other end of yours. You have that one. I thought it was pickle, but now I'm not sure. That's not pickle. What is it? What are the other flavors again?

Starting point is 01:49:39 Apple and? Oh, that's... Lime, lemon lime. That's lime. Yours is lime and I think mine is apple No, I want to try this other one Pickle you didn't get a pickle straight away. That's apple. That's lime Is this pickle watermelon is the other one is this pickle? I don't know is it this one feels like apple. Well, it's apple there

Starting point is 01:50:03 Is it pickle? No, you'll taste the pickle immediately but they all smell a bit pickly yeah keep going till you get a pickle that was apple that one i'm doing two now i've got two here oh that's definitely apple the one i just had i think this is apple right next one apple there's any pickles in there? Well, here's another couple. This is going to take forever. We can't eat a whole bag of these. Well, you just have a bite of them. Just have a bite.

Starting point is 01:50:30 Don't eat the whole lot. Is it pickle? Yeah. Is that pickle? Let me have a go of that one. Here we go. That's pickle. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:39 There you go. We've found it. Oh, that's pickle. I think that's quite nice. I mean, oh, that's pickle. It's got the shitty pickle thing. It's like a bit mean it's got that yeah the shitty pickle it's like a bit of rot that's very much pickle it's very pickle oh dear well goodbye everyone

Starting point is 01:50:59 forever oh god it's really I'm gonna eat this one it's really... I'm going to eat this one. It's very aromatic. It's very flowery. No I mean the pickle. It's sort of getting in your mouth. It's not flowery. I'll put another pickle in my mouth. I need to smoke more. Right well that's the Cheap Show content done today. And it's now time to meaning like...

Starting point is 01:51:22 Have sex in the bushes. Have sex in the bushes. Have sex in the bushes. Well there's been a whole number of dogs we've done a very professional job but whilst we've been recording this last segment there's been dogs coming up sniffing our bags running around giving us the eye, yeah, snuffing us, snuffing around, teasing us, beckoning us with its dirty brown eyes. I know we get a dog f***ing. Come on dude.

Starting point is 01:51:47 The way you just say that, it's an eventuality. Eventuality? It is with you, it is. Well done, you used that word correctly. Yeah but I've never actually f***ed a dog, I want that on the record. That's fine, I believe you on that. Nor, even in jest, do I entertain the idea of penetrating a dirty dog bumhole? Happy about that! I know for one moment I imagine pinning down a collie holding its fucking head on the ground

Starting point is 01:52:17 and sticking my erect growling penis up its just fucking delicate pink bumhole stop oh that's it you get your hair a bit out and lo it looked like dog bumhole from a distance ah right he's tossing his rig around right well what began as a slightly morally boghassed episode descended into fucking drunken madness I'm sorry I'm so sorry oh no I'm very sad oh he's

Starting point is 01:52:54 throwing it at me and I grabbed it look at the fucking reflexes on that I'm gonna toss it back to him here we go right let's take a break from the living. Let's clear this mess up mate. Your mess, not mine. Bye. Right, well the sun's gone down past the yard arm and a little chill's setting. It's still a lovely day in Peckham Rye Park and we're about to set off now and get our journey home.

Starting point is 01:53:28 Arrr that'd be right. I've been out of the park all day. We're ready to go now. Yeah so we're off now get the old sickly thrill. Shower! I'll see the shower. You're gonna go see the shower. I'm going out. Anyway, Eli's been smoking some crack cocaine, so now we're off to get our bus.

Starting point is 01:53:52 Don't say that, people will believe that. That's because it's true. And everything I say on this podcast is 100% true, with no lies or fabrications or exaggerations. Are you ready to set off now Paul? Because you're boring me. You're boring me. You're boring me. You're boring me. No, you went into one of those boring things just then. Everyone knows, no one knows what you just said.

Starting point is 01:54:13 I know what I said. What did you just say? Boring. Boring stuff. Look at that little cloud that's still there. Oh, that little wisp. Eli thinks it's a puddle or something. No, all I'm saying is when you see a very small cloud, isolated as it is in the sky. You think a puddle disappears, or a pond? I think that was like a small pond.

Starting point is 01:54:30 A whole pond goes up in the air. The output gas. You think whoop, it goes right up to the air. What do you think? You think once there's a pond, and then shoop, up into the air. You can shoop like that. Very much like an ice dildo would,

Starting point is 01:54:41 if it was some kind of spring. All right, okay, well, you've embarrassed yourself. You've embarrassed yourself. Come on, we've got to get to the bus. We've got to get to the bus now. Which bus we getting? 63 up towards Farringdon. I'll just say one thing.

Starting point is 01:54:57 It's the after pod party on the fucking bus. Like when we were, where were we? On the Thames Clipper and then we were on a bus for seven hours. It's happening again. It's happening again, mother. Come on love, get your bag. I've got the trash. And you've got all your gubbins. Well you take your time love, don't you worry about it, you. Listen, I've been good on the picnic aspect of this. I bought the blankie, the blankie was good, I bought a fucking tea towel, which two moppages I did, and three packy bags. And not only am I recycling, I'm making it a much smoother experience for you.

Starting point is 01:55:37 I will say this, Eli's been absolutely on point when it comes to picnic accoutrements, and I can only honestly give him 10 out of 10 for the day. And I didn't even drink that vimto, I'm a sucker for special edition vimto's man. Yeah, although we have polished off a right fair chunk of bitters and gin. Well the bitters are so... And rum and... A few drops.

Starting point is 01:56:03 That's the point, even though something is legally non what that's the point even though it's something is legally non-alcoholic even if it's got point yeah half a percent of alcohol yeah like kombucha yeah where's my sunnies no my head on your head Oh granddad I haven't otherwise I would have said so wouldn't I haven't done that granddad fuck you. Grandaddy like, oh where are me glasses? No it's not, the gate's here, the gate's here. That's why we're coming out this way, because that's where the gate is.

Starting point is 01:56:34 So now we're going to head towards the bus. At this point in the podcast... 63 all the way to Snowhills. Only the listener, the listener right now knows more than me and you. Because they can once again look at their running time of how much is left of the podcast and go oh oh another two hours of this No, there wouldn't be, even if there was there wouldn't be

Starting point is 01:56:51 For us living it right now we don't know what's left of this podcast I think What a weirdly existential issue I could make a prediction though, Paul at this point in time and I would say about five minutes probably I'm going to go more like tens of fifteen Really? You're to 15 because I'm thinking we're gonna do a bus thing and then we'll probably do a bit where we split up near Farringdon right and so I think that'd

Starting point is 01:57:12 be a good can you just turn it off now can I yeah it's hard to walk and talk after Eli's been smoking the crack cocaine just just shocking I had to sky-high cry oh my dear friend. Although there was a lovely Pish and Impossible spot wasn't there? Almost built for it. It was my park cred that actually solved that problem as well. Again on point, on point, on point. On point. So now we're going to leave the park and get out of the way. Oh well done, look he loves this. In the bin. In the bin. And now we're looking for the 63. That's the 363 but that's not what we want. I don't know what side of the road it must be the other side yeah quick.

Starting point is 01:57:52 Right okay right we'll see you a bit later when we know what we're doing. So we're on the 63 and ooh la la. It's really good, look got headrests with the the London Transport Rondell on it embossed on the headrest. What about the faux wood? The faux wood I'm not so sure about. Do you know what I mean? It's a strange choice isn't it to have the faux wood grain planks like bare faux. Just in terms of the quality of the sort of the fabric and both the headrests all have an individual stop button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So every we're at the front so we haven't got them. We've got USBs but no stop buttons.

Starting point is 01:58:35 It's all very exciting. Take the microphone off of it enough. So this journey. Now it's time for Paul to go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Calm down. This is great. We've got the hot on the top deck to it. so this journey now it's time for Paul to go blah blah blah blah calm down this is like night bus and during the day they pull fuck me it's like a Dave Bussan episode when we got those mystery muppets bags oh yeah that was good it's a deep cut deep cut anyway so we're on the bus and I think it's about 40 minutes

Starting point is 01:59:03 between here and far in the air yeah we're going right up past, think about where we're going from where we are on the bus. That's why I'm surprised it said just take the 63 to Farringdon. Because you think it would be deep down like like status quo we're down down deeper and down. There's the 12 look see Hawk the 12. Look at the clock house tavern that's nice. Where's the clock house? There's the tavern. This is Peckham ride with this is the parking room. So we're on the bus now, having a lovely little ride

Starting point is 01:59:35 and a nice place to calm down after our day. It's pretty hot though isn't it? I'm all right, I feel all right. You do look a bit unhealthy. Shut up! I knew you were going to start on this. I noticed this when we were walking up that hill at the graveyard at the beginning. Where you looked visibly out of breath and having difficulty with the incline. Whatever. Sports today. Two words, sports. Sports day. Three words. Cheap show. Is that Cheap Show one word?

Starting point is 02:00:01 Cheap Show Sports Day. Three words. Alright. And then we'll see who's in shape and who's not, Mr. Being in the Gym. That's Eli. If you wanna know what special day that will be, that will be the day Eli dies on the podcast. Literally, keels over. We'll see.

Starting point is 02:00:18 Having a massive stroke. Oh, a massive stroke is it now? Yeah. You've upgraded. What do you wanna to die of? Hey. Old age. Like everybody else who's had a nice long life. I mean you're pretty old aren't you? Can you start? This was a nice bus ride a second ago. You started it. You... Anyway let's calm down and just enjoy this bus ride now for a little bit and we'll see you in a bit calm down if we get tossed off on the bus tossed off the bus because you

Starting point is 02:00:49 can't behave then I'll have words all right I'll have words it's called it's called yeah it's-podcast that's exactly what it's called. Ex-pira... ex-pira... ex-paspiration. Exasperation. Exasperation. Mate, your mouth has come untethered from your vocal abilities and you need to look at it that. You need to look at that. It's all been a bit tragic today hasn't it really? You often say the exact opposite word of the one you mean and you don't notice. It's all gone a bit tragic today hasn't it really? You ought to say the exact opposite word of the one you mean and you don't notice. It's all gotten a bit tragic today. I was gonna enjoy this bus ride. I'm gonna enjoy it now. People are gonna get antsy. I'm gonna do it now. I'm turning up. I am. They already do. No. Can't believe we

Starting point is 02:01:38 act like this in public. It's pathetic. You're pathetic. Oh now, what is that with the constant attacks? Self loathing mate. I love you. You're good, I love you too. Let's just turn this off. Bye bye everyone. How long was that bit? 18 days, something like that. We're doing it again, I told you we were doing it again.

Starting point is 02:02:03 It's going to take 40 minutes. It's going to take 40 minutes. Switch to diversion. Switch on, bro. Switch on. Switch to diversion. Do you think we should get off here? Because he said diversion, and I don't know when the diversion kicks in. He would tell us before.

Starting point is 02:02:15 What stops this? This is the one before the one we're getting off at. I'm frightened. You've put me on edge. It's the next stop. We were having a lovely journey, to be honest. That was a lovely bus journey. Just have a walk.

Starting point is 02:02:25 Further if you'd like to. Mate. You're walking anyway. I'm just saying, had a lovely journey and now I'm on edge. We stopped doing that because that's greatly annoying. Now it's gone quiet. I like it. So we're getting off next.

Starting point is 02:02:42 Next stop is Snow Hill. Snow Hill. Snow Hill. I'm quiet. I like it. So we're getting off next. That's it. Oh, you're getting on the wrong road. Oh, you're getting on the wrong road. It's got a station. Yes, Snow Hill. Why don't we just get off at Farringdon Station? Because I need to go...

Starting point is 02:02:53 I don't understand why it says get off at... Because I can't get the bus from Farringdon. I better can, actually. Well, it's the next stop off. It's close. This is closer. If you're coming from this way, it's closer to get off at Snow Hill. Than it is to just get off at Farringdon Station? Yes. That doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem right to me that seems counterproductive. Why would your app tell you? Why would they put a bus stop further away from the station than the station bus stop?

Starting point is 02:03:16 Sometimes it's the way things are. They misnamed something. Snowhill should be called Farringdon Station. You can do what you like, right? Are you getting off here? Yeah, this is where my get or change my bus mate. You're getting a second bus? Yeah, I'm getting a three, four, one for this. Is this the end of the episode? Yeah, this is the end of the episode. All right, I'm getting off the bus. Bear with, here we go.

Starting point is 02:03:38 Oh shit. I guess it is actually, yeah. Eli hasn't even gotten off the bus, he's going to close it. Quick, come on, come on Eli. What did you forget? There was weird detritus. Detritus? Where are you going now? What bus are you getting? Come on mate, let's have a look.

Starting point is 02:04:15 341. Yeah, this one. You can get it from here. Here's your bus. Oh mate, we were saying goodbye. Oh mate, what a lovely day out that was. We had a bus. Oh mate we're saying goodbye. Oh mate what a lovely day out that was. We had a bit of sun, we had a bit of fun. Thanks for supporting the show everyone. I'll say goodbye while you get on the bus. I kind of feel alone now. Do you want me to get the next one? No, no, no, no, get this bus because you've got a

Starting point is 02:04:38 longer journey than me. Go on, go on. You never know when the next one is, do you? Cheers mate. Alright, I love you, bye. See you man, bye. Oh he's gone, he's just left me. I'm all on my own in London and I'm frightened. And this is like a walk to the station as well. I uh... I'm frightened. Oh he's waving at me in the bus. I'm frightened!

Starting point is 02:05:21 I'm frightened! I can't hear that. I guess I... I don't know. I don't like it. I'm without my co-host. He just left me. Well, I guess that's all for me to say goodbye then. So, that was it for Cheap Show this week. I don't know really what we thought we'd achieve with this week's episode, but there we go.

Starting point is 02:05:44 If you support us on Patreon, but there we go. If you support us on Patreon, thank you very much. And if you'd like to support us on Patreon, it is patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. And if you want pictures or links to anything about Cheap Show at all and links to all our social media, thecheapshow.co.uk. I'm just going to walk to Farringdon then on my own. Eli's bus is going past again. He's saying bye bye, bye bye, bye bye Eli. It was all so sudden. Aww. Alright, I'm going to say bye bye now too then. Take care, see you next week on

Starting point is 02:06:21 Cheap Show. Bye bye.

CheapShow - Ep 434: Cemetery Men (Stereo Edition)

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