CheapShow - Ep 435: Chekhov's Gum

Starting point is 00:00:00 There's a sweetness in my mouth, as I say. Yeah, I'll just pull it out now. Go on, as you were saying. You've done it again, Paul. Ten seconds in. I had something. I had something really good. Something, something of worth.

Starting point is 00:00:12 Go on then, do it, go on. A little thing. No, you ruined it. No, everyone's just gonna be thinking of your dick now, aren't they? Men in black nebulizer. Pshum, start again. Where am I?

Starting point is 00:00:21 Uh oh. Do it, do it, do it. No, no, no. Let's start this, let's start again. I'm using it. You can no, no. Let's start this. Let's start again. I'm using it. You can say right now, let's start again, clap, clap, clap and go. All right. But I'm using it.

Starting point is 00:00:32 It's going in. He's doing his dick again. I've got an itchy bulb right here. You've got an itchy what? Bulb. My bulb. Yes, I've got an itchy right bulb. Oh, right, bulb.

Starting point is 00:00:41 Bulb. Like a garlic bulb. Bulb. Yeah. Bulb. I've got an itchy bulb. Bulb. Like a garlic bulb. Bulb. Yeah. Bulb. I've got an itchy bulb. Bulb. Anyway, go on, begin your beginning. Hello. Begin the beguine.

Starting point is 00:00:52 I'm Churdlington Bulb. Is this actually the thing you were going to do? Is what? The thing you're doing now? I'm not doing nothing now. No, because you said, didn't you? You had something planned. I'm going to let you do that planned thing now.

Starting point is 00:01:02 At some point you'll learn something about me, yeah? You'll learn one thing about me. I'm a man of very different many modes, yeah? Different many modes, yeah. Very different many modes, yes. I could be doing nothing. I could be doing nothing. You often are doing fucking nothing, aren't you?

Starting point is 00:01:17 I could be doing zero. I could be doing less than nothing. That's a different mode that I inhabit, yeah? I could be doing something just so slight just so airy just so ephemeral Just so throw away that it's not it's not gonna make any impact at all Maybe I want to go Thessalonica Silverman as he just dumped a load of fucking similar words in a sentence until he gets to the point He wants to fucking make perhaps. I'm in one of my modes poor where I'm not making

Starting point is 00:01:42 You're different many modes in one of my different many Paul, where I'm not making... What are your different many modes? I'm in one of my different many modes. Yes, I think that makes sense to us both. Does that mean every many mode is different? That means you have multiple modes. I've got multiple many modes, a multiverse of modes. That's a multiverse of many, many modes, isn't it? I've got mini-moog. Mini-moog on your mini-moog.

Starting point is 00:01:58 And I've got a man-hood. That's what needs cleaning, isn't it? That's what needs cleaning isn't it? That's what needs cleaning. Eli, clean out your manhood. Under the manhood. Get a little skill. People who like get hooves off horses and then they have to muck out. What do they call the man who does the moog?

Starting point is 00:02:21 The horse. A horse smith. No they're not. It's a smith, isn't it? A blacksmith? Blacksmith. You only have to get all the funky gunge out of the hoof and they get that big claw in.

Starting point is 00:02:32 Maybe you need that for the tip of your manhood. Welcome to G Show, everyone. Press the fucking credits. I hate you. the thank you It's the voice of shame! Welcome to Cheap Show. In the world of noises, what's one that you really like? I'll tell you what it is, it's... Pringles in a pipe.

Starting point is 00:03:39 Pringles in a pipe. Pringles in a pipe. It goes chonk chonk, a crimble crimble crumble, it's Pringles in a pipe. That's right. On this game we are guessing how many Pringles are in a pipe of Pringle... How many particular Pringles are in a pipe of Pringles tube? Are we looking for a prime number of Pringles? How many particular Pringles in a pipe of Pringles pipe? Are we looking for a perpendicular number of Pringles?

Starting point is 00:04:02 We've gone ahead of ourselves. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon, that's him and I'm me, go for the bargain into the charity shop in Poundland at Isle of Great Britain. We look for the treasure we can find amongst all that trash. And this week we're doing, I was going to get out of the way, we're going to do a Price of Shite sent in by a lovely listener and we're doing some Source Report news. But before we get into any of that, Eli has a pipe of Pringles. I've got a particular pipe of Pringles which I'll be popping and then I'll be sniffing. And then not stopping I'd imagine because once one pops one can't stop. But I would say one is lying if with one even implies that because I have on many

Starting point is 00:04:37 occasions stopped fucking popped and stopped almost immediately. Have you ever stopped mid-pop? I've some... you can't it's like sneezing. Yeah Yeah is it, you can't hold the back of the pop. Can you stop yourself coming when you've started? Well that's tantric meditation. That's what Sting does isn't it? Yeah. Where like he gets three thrusts in and then goes and fucking dwindles on his guitar in the corner for half an hour. Dwiddles. Dwiddles on his guitar, dribbles on his guitar more like with his stupid wet Newcastle fingers dribbling over the wires doing some mordling. What's he ever done to you? I tell you what he's done to me. Sting once took me into a fucking back alley and took 50p off me outside of school. He's a fully grown man at the time as well and I went,

Starting point is 00:05:13 oh please sir Mr Sting, 50p is going to get me my dinner money and I'm only going to get a sausage with it today and he went, oh look I'm Sting and I'm going to take your money and I'm going to put it into fields of gold. And he ran off. Oh God, I wish he wouldn't do that voice ever again. I love doing that voice and I don't get to do it enough. I hate that voice. And now Sting's a new character in the show.

Starting point is 00:05:35 You'll be hearing a lot more from him. Oh hello, I'm Sting. Would you like to touch me, Willie? You're ripping off, what's his name, aren't you? Bob Mortimer, who is a fucking national treasure. Yeah, guess what? He's not fucking listening to us. What are you gonna do about it? You're ripping off, what's his name, aren't you? Bob Mortimer, who is a fucking national treasure. Guess what? He's not fucking listening to us. What are you going to do about it? Listen to the show, Bob, and then fucking complain. Alright? Until then, keep it stum.

Starting point is 00:05:53 Now, Paul. Eli's got Pringles. Let's get to the Pringles part. No, I'm not getting to the Pringles yet. Because I've got more important news after your Pringles shit. That thing, that improvisation that you did with Sting was very flat and lackluster, but it did conceal one... A bit like your sex life, innit? A bit flat and lackluster. Well, no, there's... I don't have... You can't even pop. You don't even get to pop yet. It's just all stopped with you, innit? I don't know why you insist on this childish...

Starting point is 00:06:15 Dribbly stop silver moon. Circa 95 style humour that you keep... It's formative in my... ...blogging. It's a formative part of my comedy education. It's something you should drop education at least i've got an education in comedy mate not just you who just barks oh my god how embarrassing such a dick today you're being a dick i'm simply saying that lackluster sketch that everyone's now forgotten

Starting point is 00:06:39 that you keep bringing up because it means more to you said i want i'm gonna buy a sausage that's what angered sting because he's famously vegan. Thank you. Moving on. That's why, so you're saying he took money off me because he didn't want me buying a sausage. He was like, oh, oh, fuck, I'm gonna take this. It's a scouser Sting. I don't know what he's fucking out of. Well, he's not that. There you go, he's barking again. Eli Bark Silverman. I've got the big banana. Eli Mad Dog-Silderman is barking in comedy. It's more like a dog.

Starting point is 00:07:10 I wish I'd brought that up now. I wish I'd brought it up now. Eli Mad Dog Eli Silverman. Actually, you would suit a late night local American radio station. KRPD in Cincinnati kind of thing. Oh, that's very nice of you to say. And you wear a medallion and you have many, many crimes in your past. Now these Pringles are, I tried to show Paul because I was proud of this.

Starting point is 00:07:35 Where'd you get them from? I showed him the French side where it says assassiné. Pringles assassiné flavour. Assassiné away. And people who have some French amongst you, and it says Nouvelle Sauvure, I mean I think that means new flavour at the top. What do you mean by when people have some French amongst them? Do you mean like just like in the corner?

Starting point is 00:07:51 Like a bit of French over there? People who speak a little bit of French might know what that means. Or French people! That's a better thing to say isn't it? But I think it's more likely to be French Canadians. As you'll soon agree, Paul... Are you saying French Canadians aren't really French people? I think it's quite a complicated identity.

Starting point is 00:08:05 Then you shouldn't bring it up then, should you? I don't know why you keep jumping to these complicated identity things. Well, it's because I'm a complicated man, and I've got complicated feelings for a complicated woman with a complicated backstory in my complicated life. I've got a complicated car and a complicated house. I've got a complicated penis and it won't come out of its hole. Any more on that song?

Starting point is 00:08:28 You have to beckon it out by saying, Tiki Tiki come out to play. Tiki Tiki come out to play. Come out to play. Come out to play. And then he comes out to play. There's a long song to get that old song going. Here we go. OK. Tiki Tiki come out to play. Tiki Tiki come out to play.

Starting point is 00:08:43 Come out to play. Come out to play. Tiki Tiki come out to play. And then Tiki Tiki comes out to play Tiki Tiki come out to play Come out to play come out to play Tiki Tiki come out to play And then Tiki Tiki comes out to play And how's the song going? Ffffff... give it up You've given up on life mate I just wanted to make you do the Tiki Tiki bit That's it I thought that was lackluster

Starting point is 00:08:57 Oh I'll tell you what's lackluster Paul Your sex life Your manhood Lacksluster That's because I haven't given it a good scrub You fucking did should. It smells nice. Right, six minutes mate. You know what that shirt you're wearing is my super dry. Also something you wouldn't say about my manhood. You'd say super fish.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Oh yes, super. You'd say super wad of spunk. Super clunge. This is actually the worst episode we've ever done. Well you won't get on with the pringles. No, because you've not been very nice to me! About anything! You've done a shit song, a terrible, terrible sting-based impro, nothing's fl- What have you done? All you've done is hold your Pringles and shake them, and talk about your manhood. I do lots of funny work on this podcast. You don't though, it's just Mad Dog Eli McBarkymouth.

Starting point is 00:09:41 It's not Mad Dog, that's good! It's not good. Come on, I'll come in as Mad Dog. No, I don't want this anymore I just this is seven minutes. I want it to be over now Here's Eli Mad Dog Silverman Mad Dog, Robin Guardian special Mad Dog corner That's a live human shit pile Stamp it, Light it on fire! Wow!

Starting point is 00:10:06 And I'm the squirt! Mad Dog in the squirt! Hello everybody! And I'm the squirtmeister! And I'm here also to play my favourite tunes! Now Paul, cast your mind back to a digitiser video we made, where we were trying prison food, and is that where we tried those crisps that only are in the American prison? I believe so.

Starting point is 00:10:30 They're only available to the prison population of the United States, and they were sort of an everything flavour crisp. Do you remember that? I do remember these and how much you liked them. They were very good crisps, and at that time, this flavour was brought up to me, because in Canada, they have something called All Dressed, which is every flavor. We have covered this on the podcast before. I just thought I'd bring it up.

Starting point is 00:10:52 On a few times. But yeah, as a reminder, yeah. And you're saying this is the- And I've segwayed into this. And this is the Pringles offering on that flavor profile. And they have, I like this artwork on these Pringles. Do you remember the seven layer dip was the one we had? Yeah, which I liked. on these Pringles. Do you remember the seven layer dip was the one we had?

Starting point is 00:11:05 Yeah, which I liked. That had a fun artwork as well. This has a little vinegar dispenser on the bottom. I've got a vinegar dispenser near your bottom. Then there's a slice of onion. Then a Pringle itself. And then a... What was that, like a tomato?

Starting point is 00:11:20 It's like a slice of bell pepper. Oh, could be bell pepper, yeah. You know what I find very pleasing? Oh, it's the seeds. That gives it away. Yes, about this illustration. The paraboloid nature of it. That's right. The way that the pepper piece is in a figure of eight. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:38 Also suggesting infinity, also suggesting all. All flavors, yes. All dressed, you see what I mean? So it's sort of thematically cohesive. And I like the cartoony way it's all sort of deformed, including the glass bottle. So from that, we can say there's a pepper flavour, there's an onion flavour, there's a vinegar flavour. What, there's all seasons, innit?

Starting point is 00:11:58 Are these from Canada? Well, absolutely, of course they are. Why would it have French and English and have a Canadian flavour on it? It was a genuine question. I don't fucking know, do I? It could have been sold in France. I'm going to have a little look. Right, you have a little look.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Product of USA, it says. So, I'm going to have a little... I've shuffled them, as you can hear, and I'm going to sniff. I can't remember this flavour profile. I'm getting a lot of vinegar on the nose, and that potato-iness, the smell of Pringles. There is a lot more vinegar than I seem to remember. I remember being more fruity, tomato-y last time.

Starting point is 00:12:28 Yeah, I don't think, have we tried them? Actually, yes, we have tried actual all-dressed crisps. They were delicious. Actually, I'm also getting prawn cocktail now. Are you really? Yeah, I'm going to take a few. Because remember, there was definite prawn cocktail element in every type of all-dressed thing I've ever tried. Yeah, that's true.

Starting point is 00:12:42 Oh, I'm getting a smoky paprika as well now on the nose. Yeah. You ready? I'm gonna go for a bite. Oh god, you're disgusting. Well, I've just masticated and I enjoyed them. They were alright. You've got a smokiness, a sweetness and an astringent sort of vinegar as well.

Starting point is 00:13:00 They're not as vinegary as they suggest in the scent. Oh no, no. It's more balanced. But it's there. There's a tartness there at the end. Yeah. It's actually not too strong either. It's kind of nicely balanced. It's not super flavourful. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. That's what I found. I would like a bit more bite on all of the elements. Like where on those crisps we tried originally. You know, it's a little bit muted all of the flavors as much as I Largely don't care for heavily tomato flavored things. This could do with a little bit more ketchup It's there again at the very end I've got a little bit of that tomato umami tomato with the with the but it's I'm getting mainly a sort of flat Smokiness and then a sweetness. It's tomato always a pro

Starting point is 00:13:42 I mean have we just added that in of our own accord? The tomato-y profile of everything flavored crisps. Cause there's no tomato on the front of that, so it doesn't suggest it needs to be there. No, it's not really there. I don't know then. This is like when you go on about how Sriracha tastes of tomato, but it doesn't. But it does, yeah, no.

Starting point is 00:13:59 But your brain almost goes, red sauce, tomato. Yeah. Red sauce, tomato. It's not actually the flavor of tomato. No, anyway, that's- It's not bad. No, I would, just to get it out of the way, as a little kind of, all little crisps excitement, three out of five. I'd say maybe 2.75, because I'm comparing it to the seven layer dip one, which was banging, wasn't it? That was better than that, wasn't it? Oh yeah. Everyone's going to think we're fucking sponsored by Pringles, and sadly we're very much not.

Starting point is 00:14:25 I don't eat Pringles on the on the reg. No, nor do I. If I was gonna buy a pack of crisps like I did, I just spotted some tomato ketchup flavored, and it's Heinz tomato ketchup flavored branded Lay's Walkers, which I bought for myself. If you want a little peek into Eli's own crisp life, which is very much not lackluster or flaccid like my sex life or non-existent. Just keep talking mate, do it. Just do my job for me, why don't you?

Starting point is 00:14:49 It's not your job. It is my job to debase you. To mock my sex life. No it's not. Well I've made it my job, put it that way. It's one aspect. It's not my passport on the occupation. You would love just to slurp up my dirty leavings from under my manhood when I dried them out while scraping them on a pillow

Starting point is 00:15:08 or a petri dish. Mate, if I just breathe in hard enough in your bedroom I can get half of that muck in my mouth without really asking for it. You know what he did everyone, when he finished masticating let off two little wet farts. Like a big goblin in his chair. Just come on, you've ruined my life! Oh, Eli, look, stop.

Starting point is 00:15:29 Before we go any further, the Cheap Show album's nearly ready, mate. Yay! The Cheap Show album, Paul? After working on it for weeks and some would argue years, the album, to celebrate 10 years of Cheap Show and episode 450, we're releasing a vinyl album called Cheap Show. It's, we're releasing a vinyl album called Cheap Show. It's just called Cheap Show. Just called Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:15:47 And it's been made with the amazing Noiseland, but not only that, there are gonna be tracks from the history of Cheap Show. So some Eurovision winners, some old themes, teen yeti stuff. Teen yeti stuff. Full track listings probably next week when we announce it,

Starting point is 00:16:02 because we're uploading it to Digger's Factory, and as soon as we do that, we can announce it and get the pre-sales going. But artwork's fantastic by Vorotoni. We've got a van working on the rear art for it. I've seen a bit of that and it's very, very pleasing. So basically what you want to tell everyone is get on there as soon as the pre-orders are ready and let's make this a reality. Yeah, because we want one.

Starting point is 00:16:24 And also email thecheapshowatgmail.com if you would like a mini disc version. I'm going to do a very limited edition mini disc version that I'm going to pay for myself. You're talking very limited. Ten? Like I think I'm going to order ten. Okay. And if you want one, get in touch.

Starting point is 00:16:37 But Cheap Show, the album, announcing soon, loads of great tracks. Me and Eli have done like a narrative almost through the middle of it with our linking devices. Music by Noiseland and some of our guests over the years. It is genuinely fucking awesome and I can't wait. And will there be a download code in each physical copy, Paul?

Starting point is 00:16:55 If you wanna buy the vinyl album but you do not have a vinyl player, it will come with a code to download the whole album. And if you do decide to get the album and get the download code, the digital version will have three bonus tracks on there as well. We've got three, two alternative takes,

Starting point is 00:17:10 one that we just couldn't squeeze onto the album. Now, Paul, what do our listeners need to do if they wanna get hold of a copy of this LP record, physical record, cheap show, what do they do? Well, follow us on all the social medias. At some point you'll find us, we're on Instagram, we're on X, sadly still, we're on You'll find us. We're on Instagram Ron X Sadly still we're on B sky

Starting point is 00:17:27 We're on threads of Facebook page and our website will have an update with a link as well to it when it goes live So okay, if you follow us on any of those platforms, we'll have a link to the album there But we'll also mention it on next week's episode probably and give far more details then alright So follow us somehow if you listen to us You don't follow us on social media somehow, if you listen to us. You don't follow us on social media. Get involved if you want to get a copy of the album. And that's it.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Let's get on with this fucking price. It's the fucking price of shite. Pompompompomp send us anything on the PO box there is a link it or after the address is in the description. Spank in a cap. Don't fucking interrupt me when I'm trying to give the information out you fucking cretin. If you want to send us something on the to the PO box there is a image on our main page. Why are you closing your eyes? Because I need to remember it. I'm the cretin. Do you have to close your eyes to remember me? Yeah because you keep distracting me. That's not what cretin is. I have to close your eyes to remember things? Yeah, because you keep distracting me. That's not what Cretin is. I have to shut you out.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Cretin's a stupid person. You are a Cretin. You are a fucking stupid person. I'm not. Because you can hear me. I remember things with my eyes open. Yeah, but you can't, no. But I close my eyes because you're such a fucking horrendous distraction that I can't

Starting point is 00:18:57 look at you and get this information out. So excuse me. Weirdo. Try again. You weird. You're the... Look, the PO box address can be found on our website on the main page and also in the description for this podcast

Starting point is 00:19:07 on the app that you're listening to it on. Well done, you kept your eyes open. I didn't, I kind of glazed over, I stared at the mouse over there. You can't look at me, you can't look me in the eyes anymore. You can't look me in the eyes. Look, he just can't stop insulting me. Wild ball features. Fucking... Look at me!

Starting point is 00:19:24 Look at me, I'm Eli Silverman, I'm the special boy. Special ball features. Fucking, ehhh look at me! Look at me, I'm Eli Sillman, I'm the special boy. Special boy Eli Sillman, everyone's ever told me so. So it must be true. Wow! You are so... What is wrong with you? You, you do me edding.

Starting point is 00:19:38 You cause a problem and then don't realise it when I try and self correct to fix the problem. That in itself is a distraction. What, you could have just calmed down for a second. I'm angry now, you've got me right fucking worked up. You do this, you get my heckles up. I've got to do this now to balance out. Just fuck go! Get out! A little pernickety prick. Pedant is the word you're looking for. No, prick is the word I was actually wanting to get out.

Starting point is 00:20:01 What's wrong with you? You are the problem. Calm down. You'll do my editing if you don't calm down. I'm not. See, you're acting hysterically right now. You're raising your voice. I'm not. Why are you laughing hysterically if you're not upset?

Starting point is 00:20:13 There's something wrong with you, mate. You need to calm it down. Paul, you are having a little. Stop interrupting me. If you want to get through this. I'm not interrupting you. I'm waiting for you to. If you can't keep your voice level, mate,

Starting point is 00:20:22 then we can't have this discussion, can we? What discussion, you? Read the letter. I'll read it, if you want. I won't read this letter until you calm your arse down. I've got my glasses. Alright, I'll tell you what, read it out, but don't read the back bit, because that's a private bit. We're doing our price guessing game, everybody. It's called The Price of Shite. You might have heard that from the song.

Starting point is 00:20:40 And this is the letter, because our dear listeners, Paul, they love to send in boxes full of stuff that we get the price of. They just love to send stuff in, don't they? They just love to. Stuff. Don't, please don't stuff like that. Ah, dear Paul and Eli. Hello. Please find enclosed the following items for a price of shite.

Starting point is 00:20:59 Nice. I like the clarity of this so far. I like it, yeah. And there is the list of five items. Prices are in the pin box. Do you know what that's referring to? It says pill, but it's this. Oh yes, pill box.

Starting point is 00:21:09 And it's sealed in tape so I can't get into it. Oh that's nice, nice, nice. So there won't be any shenanigans unless Paul has hired some kind of sophisticated x-ray device. But I'm going to put this in the maw of Pac-Man's mouth. Again, the maw is the mouth so that was a tautology, but I'll let it lie for now. I'll give you a tautology. I'll give you a taut- Taut-

Starting point is 00:21:27 Taut- Taut-rodology! Taut-rodology! I'll give you a taut off the rodmodely. I'll give you the codmodely, Todd Bodely. I'll fucking play with your bumhole if you want! Oh, do you hear the claps of the English language? It's deafening! Come on! Right. Also enclosed, a gift pin badge for each of you. That's very nice.

Starting point is 00:21:43 Yes. Do you want to get them out now? He knows how to butter us up with pin badges. Should we have a little...should we have an amused bouche of pin badgery? There's only one each. I'll give you your one first. Okay. Actually no, I'll do mine one first because I think you'll love yours and make a big creamy mess out of it. So I got a little...it looks like little ghosts in a kind of ice cream sundae type, maybe ice latte effect type thing. Oh that's cool. See what I mean it's like a little coffee cup kind of I don't know if it's like a latte ice latte thing. Well it looks like some kind of a frappuccino and it's got a straw in and it has tadpole shaped little

Starting point is 00:22:16 ghosties all swimming about. And a gravestone biscuit in it. Oh it's a gravestone biscuit yeah well done. I like that a lot. That is a nice little badge that. And if you want to see what are these badges and all the items look like, the Cheapest Looker UK is your one-stop shop to see the pictures from this episode. I'm going to stick mine on right now. Oh you might like it. This is, I mean I'll be honest mate. A little gel. I like this badge and I do love it. You're a little bit jealous. I'm a little bit jealous of this. I'll give it to you. Here we go. It's a nice paper. And tissue paper here. And I'm going to unwrap my badge. This one's going to be on the mega board at a later point today.

Starting point is 00:22:52 Ooh, National Theatre. Ooh, I like this. Very nice. Thank you very much. Explain what the actual badge looks like and what it says. It is a view of, in monochrome, black and white, a view of the National Theatre, Dennis Ladston's National Theatre on the South Bank in London, and the word brutal underneath. But it's on a card, which it has National Theatre on, and-

Starting point is 00:23:16 Mint on card. It is Mint on card, and- Yeah. It has a little blurb on the back, Paul, if I may. Please, please, may. The National Theatre's mission is to make theatre for everyone. By making a purchase...

Starting point is 00:23:27 To find you can afford a ticket! You know what I mean? Well, they're not that bad. Depends on what you decide to go and see. There are ways of getting cheaper tickets. By making a purchase in the National Theatre Bookshop, you help us to deliver this mission. Thank you for your support. Okay, thank you.

Starting point is 00:23:42 I do like this badge a lot and I'm going to put it on now. Yeah, lovely badge. Anyway, carry on with the letter. Actually, this is probably my first ever Brutalism themed badge. No, that's not true. That can't be true. You don't get a lot. It's not a sort of... I've got a feeling that you've been sent a Brutalist badge before and you have it up on some board somewhere in your room. I don't think so. You know why, Paul? Because if you think about it, by its very nature, the style of brutalism is quite hard to portray in a badge because it's about solidity and abstraction, which doesn't work that well on a pin badge. Something that's more ornamental or figurative, design-y, works better on a pad. You know what I'm getting at?

Starting point is 00:24:22 I just always thought you'd had a pin badge before for something brutalist on it. I do like this design though you're right, it's a great design. Thank you very much. Right back to the letter. Finish it off as quickly as we can, yep. Okay, also some sweets for Eli and yourself, Paul. It's a big bag of bloody cola bottles. Ooh!

Starting point is 00:24:40 Sweet, who made them? Look at them! Oh, they're, ooh! No, those are the ones that are like... These are big, thick, chunky... Oh, those look great. These are like old school sweet shop ones. Yeah, old school, almost slightly creamy. Yeah, creamy cola bottles.

Starting point is 00:24:56 People will know what... They're not... Yeah. They're opaque rather than transparent, you know? Yeah, with a milky tip at the end. I've got a milky tip at my end too no these are those beer bottle things are they you can smell it the smell there's a certain sort of beery sourness it's a strong berry sourness let's have a little sniff oh god it smells like feet

Starting point is 00:25:19 it smells like it's vinegary feet i hope they're not off. Those are like beer bottles. To be fair, let us break this down. It's a bag of mystery sweets that smells off by a stranger and I don't know. I will try one. I'll try one but maybe not right now because that fuckers, that literally is like my dad's feet. It's because they're those beer ones. That's what my view is. Anyway.

Starting point is 00:25:41 Anyway, go on. If they're really sugary, they shouldn't really go off. Anyway, go on. They'd just dry out. Thwap this up this up for price of shy. Here we go. No more than five pound but could be less Oh, okay. So that's the ceiling. Yeah, and actually could I have a little idea of what's to come? That's a really good deal. Only one item is one pound. So the Queen gambits in play That's exactly the end of the sentence there Paul, so well done. Thanks for the entertainment, Tom plus Paul. Thank you Tom plus Paul for giving us this PO Box selection and Eli.

Starting point is 00:26:12 Please turn over. That's the stuff not to read because I'll cut that out because it's like... No it's not Paul, this is an important part of the letter. I'm going to cut this out anyway. In regards to the name of dried noodles, I really think it depends on the shape. I.e. a puck for the round ones, deck for more... This is a good thing that is helping to... I don't want you to read this bit. You wanker!

Starting point is 00:26:31 I don't want you to read this bit. It's because it's making peace between us. I don't want to read this bit. By getting us to agree on things. Read on! And I'll tell you why I didn't want this to go any further. A puck for round ones, deck for more square ones. I think that's a good compromise.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Alright, but go on. For the noodle pack. Keep reading. good compromise. All right, but go on for the noodle pack debate. Keep reading, you fuck. However, we now call them Eli's in Get Out the Eli of Noodles. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? So now they're naming you. They've given your name, Anomalous Couspacher, to a load of fried noodles. Yes.

Starting point is 00:27:01 Are you happy with that? I am happy. I'm beaming. Thankaming. I'm happy that I've at any point joined this recording so far, Paul. What about the badge? You tried to curtail that. I'm sick of this. You fucking broke Eli Noodle agenda.

Starting point is 00:27:18 Now, should I be the scorekeeper, the writer downer of the guesses? Yes, you're going to be in charge of points. I'll whip out the items, so let's get this on. It is time to play the Price of Shite. Okay, the scorecard is prepared, Paul. Let's get some items out and let's make some guesses at the prices of those items, mate. But here's what happens. What happens when I propose a price to you? Why? You'll write it down and in the reveal there'll be petwings offered. And petwings are what we like to call on Cheap Show,

Starting point is 00:27:45 our points. They are points in this game only, Paul. We love our petwings on Cheap Show. I love a petwing. And we're fighting for petwings every week. Now we both don't know the scores to this so we can both play. However, here's how the scoring goes.

Starting point is 00:27:57 How do you score petwings in this game? Well, if you get it spot on, if you are accurate, then you will get two petwings. Two petwings for spot on the price. For spot on, If you are accurate, then you will get two per twigs. Two per twigs for spot on the price. Spot on. If you say, if you say £2.50 and it's exactly £2.50, why you'll get two per twigs. What if I said it was £2.03 and it was £2.03 Paul? Well, here's the thing. If you guess and your guess is 25p either way the actual price, for example, let's just say it's a pound and you guess 75p or £1.25 Exactly what? 75p or £1.25?

Starting point is 00:28:27 In the margin between those two What margin would that be? Between 75p and £1.25 So 50p! In a 50p gag you get either way If you're correct, 25p either way of the actual price You will get one between One between for that point

Starting point is 00:28:42 I can't believe we've managed to find a new way to fuck that scoring up right now. Ray, I just knew you weren't conceptually very, uh, very, uh, au fait with numbers. I'm being a bit baggy with it. You're being baggy. But the point is, 25p, either way the actual price is what you will do to get a betweeng. Just one. And when I say if it's £2.03 and you guess £2,000.

Starting point is 00:29:01 If you guess £2,000, mate, you're not getting any betweeng. That's too much, isn't it? And you guess £2,000. £2 not getting any between, that's too much. And you guess £2,000? £2,000? Yeah, no, you've established this, mate. You're wrong if you guess £2,000. £2,000 and three, then you get two between because you'd be on the nose. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:13 And you're fucking me up with my... it's just my mouth though, not my brain. That's what she said. I don't know what that means. Anyway, but there is a thing called the quid's gambit. Aha! What I hear I say is the quids gambit. Commonly on Cheap Show items are a pound to the point where you could just say everything's a pound and roll the dice. So here's the thing, if you want to say one pound, you dedicate it to the one item on offer in that game.

Starting point is 00:29:37 And we've been told there is an item, there is one of these five items is a pound. So it's perfect for quids gambit, qu you are perfect for quids gambit quids gambit quids gambit and if you get that right if the item you say is one pound and you've played your quids gambit is correct the two betwinks Paul for getting on the nose and you also get two bonus betwings it's it's almost a betwing party what's the an ejaculate of betwings what's the thing when everyone comes on one person? A soggy biscuit of petui's! It's a petui-pe-karki-pe-karki! Petuarki!

Starting point is 00:30:08 Petuarki! It's a... Put my karkis! Put my karkis in your pekarki! Anyway! Anyway, let's just get the first item out of the way. If you've written the columns down... Ready for the first item, yes!

Starting point is 00:30:21 What's this item going to be called? It is called a Millennium Hug. And Eli, I'll let you describe what a Millennium Hug is. Oh my word. What a thing, Paul. Very mint on Cardi. This is the kind of thing you would have seen in those card shops. You know what I mean? Like Hallmark or whatever it is they have. Rymans. No, that's more stationery.

Starting point is 00:30:41 This is a little... it looks like a little pup. With a little curly top and it's got the year 2000. This is to celebrate the year 2000. Very good Nick, because that was 25 years ago now, Paul. What it made out of, it's not plastic is it, or clay, it's resin. It's like a bakelite. Yeah, okay, so it's a little statue of a tiny little brown bug thing. You know what they call it?

Starting point is 00:31:02 Vinyl, I think they call this. They do call it vinyl, or they what they call it? Vinyl, I think they call this. Yeah, they do call it vinyl. Or they did at some point, vinyl figures. There was a big craze for them in the little mystery boxes and still, they still sell that stuff. It's probably like that, yeah. It's that kind of material. And it says, I'm a millennium hug.

Starting point is 00:31:17 The new millennium, I can hardly wait. Here's a hug to help you celebrate. Thank you, 25 year old sentiments. What does it say on the back? An original design by Krista the Hug Factory LLC. Fuck the Hug Factory. What a fucking stupid short-term business plan that is. Distributed by Down Pace Limited. Darren Pace? Down Pace. Oh okay. Perhaps they've paced down by now. Maybe. Oh God, paced down. Don't. It's not worth digging that one. Come on. That's it.

Starting point is 00:31:50 Let's have a look. 1996 is the date on this. So they got four years on it. They wanted to get that Millennium Bug thing. It's a real thing. Yeah. I didn't know the Millennium Bug, you know, that whole thing about the infrastructure crashing.

Starting point is 00:32:02 I get the design now. It's meant to be a little bug thing. It's meant to be a little virus like. It's meant to be a little virus, like the Millennium Bug. This is what I'm saying. I didn't know in 1996 the Millennium Bug as a infrastructure technical collapsing was even an idea at that point. Throughout the 90s they were going on about it. That's why it became a whole sort of hysteria thing. And people did think that the whole of the infrastructure would crumble or whatever,

Starting point is 00:32:25 didn't they? And this is a little brown, it looks like a wisp little creature with like a gonk or gnome. Yeah. And it's got a little flag that says Y 2000 and then it's got like stars and shit in its face and it's gormless and I absolutely fucking hate this shit. And we have a ceiling of five, all five items don't- Who wants this? I do, I'd like to take this away with me today if that's possible. I want to just check something. It says hugfactory.com. I want to know if it exists. Site cannot be reached.

Starting point is 00:32:53 It's an old site. Fuck you, Krista, and the Hug Factory. Perhaps the hugfactory.com went down because of a millennium bug of some sort. Wouldn't that be ironic if their whole business collapsed because they hadn't updated their software? I have to say though, the build quality is not that bad. Yeah, but it's just a blump of bloody... It's a horrible thing. It's a horrible thing, yes.

Starting point is 00:33:10 I'm gonna say 75p for that. I'm going out the gate first. Okay, Paul guesses first on the first item and he says 0.75. Ooh, what are you gonna do? Are we gonna be able to, Paul, come back and change our answers? I guess. Because I... Remember, the ceiling is five pound, maybe less. going to do? Are we going to be able to, Paul, come back and change our answers? I guess. Remember, the ceiling is five pound, maybe less. So the average about a pound each, if we look at it that way. And I want to play my... Do you want to play your quid gambit? I can change my mind about where the gambit

Starting point is 00:33:38 goes. I think so, provided you don't change it around too much. I'm playing the quid gambit on that item, Paul. All good. In that case, let's roll on to the next item. Right, on to item number two, which hopefully won't be as much of a number two as number one was. Number one was a two for sure, but let's see if number two this time is a number two. Oh, it's a book. It's a book.

Starting point is 00:33:58 The world's stupidest signs made by a company. Oh, I like these. I like signed, humor-based signed books. Oh, it's an Amazon book, this. Printed in Great Britain by Amazon. So someone just fucking, some cunt probably took a bunch of stuff off Facebook and packaged it themselves as a book. Here we go, hang on. The majority of these signs were spotted by the publisher. However, we should also like to thank readers of our previously published

Starting point is 00:34:24 Please Take Advantage of the Chambermaid and Other Silly Signs who sent in their own silly signs for us to use. We would also like to acknowledge the New Scientist magazine feedback page where some of the signs included have appeared. If you'd like to send any more, contact blah blah blah. That's often a thing that I enjoy reading when I read New Scientist, which I do. This is basically that's life when they would cut to that old man in the chair over there. Paul, it's also something that's gone back, I think probably goes back to at least the

Starting point is 00:34:52 50s, this sort of humorous sign thing. But I always find it makes me laugh more when it's an actual photograph of the sign in situ. Yeah. Do you know? Rather than these, these are all just written down, is that right? They've kind of recreated them per page. There is a funny sign on every page. Right, I see. For instance, here's one that was apparently outside of a farm that says horse manure, 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do it yourself. Does that mean they're saying you shit in a bag? Is that what the inference is yeah that's the funny in a bag. What a great one Paul. This is a sign in a Tokyo hotel bathroom and I'll just read it as it is it says volume on, quelch, please dial to shut wherever you want to.

Starting point is 00:35:38 I like quelch. Quelch, that's fun. Oh mate I'm just gonna go for a quick quelch. You have a little look through them., let's have a little look. I remember being at boarding school on a school trip abroad and someone had a copy of National Lampoon. Oh, yeah. And they had like whole pages of this. But again, they were photos, if you remember. And we found some very funny ones.

Starting point is 00:36:01 Fizz has done this, Read Is Digest. You know what I mean? There's all different levels of that. Crowdsourced crap content. I'm has done this, Read His Digest, you know what I mean? There's all different levels of that. Crowdsourced crap content. I'm kind of like fine with this existing online, but when they turn it into a book, I'm thinking who the fuck wants this?

Starting point is 00:36:11 Who chopped down a tree for this? It's not very good. I know, have you got any funny ones that you've seen? Wanted, I'm just gonna read this, I haven't read the whole thing. What's the context at the bottom? It usually says where the sign was found. On a farm.

Starting point is 00:36:22 Okay. Oh, he likes it. No, I just wanna to know the context. It might help. Wanted unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. That's produce. Oh, produce. Produce.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No children allowed. I'm wondering about the more unmarried bit that I didn't get. Unmarried women. Yeah. What context is that meant to be misconstrued unless they really want unmarried women to work on the farm? They do, because they're… I don't know how that works. It sounds very unsavoury.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Which is good, because they're picking fruit, which generally is sweet. Just like your knob, Josh. Anyway, how much do you think it is? Nob-job, nob-job. I don't really want to go through this book just non-stop. No children allowed! Road children? In an American maternity ward.

Starting point is 00:37:02 Oh. You see, that's also where the context is what makes it funny. That's not a funny sign, you know? These suck. On a packet of raisins, there was this sign. Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal? Nice. Paul, it's me to guess first.

Starting point is 00:37:18 Yeah, you can guess first this time. I think it's going to be about one pound. Is there a price on the back of the book? No. They didn't say which charity shops they got it from. No. Book of World Stupid Assigns. Five pound the top level of all these items. I would say one pound fifty. One pound. You have to guess now Paul. It's a load of shit this isn't it? He hasn't played his quids gambit which again is the chance to get bonus betwings by guessing the item and the one item of the five that is only a single pound.

Starting point is 00:37:47 I'm going to say 50p for this piece of shit. 50p? 50p? He's gone under a quid for both of his guesses. And now on to our third item. Our third item Paul, I'm excited. I'll let you open this because I know you like rummaging. I love a little rummage.

Starting point is 00:38:02 This has got lovely brown packing paper. Yeah we like a bit of brown packing paper. And it's a ceramic item. And I can see, I'm looking at the back of their heads, but there are three wise monkeys. One of these monkeys will be covering its eyes, Paul. Another one will be covering its mouth. And the third will be covering its ears. And it is a pictorial or sculptural representation of the saying, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. What's that fucking even mean?

Starting point is 00:38:32 It's, you know what? It's a good point. I don't know where that originated. What's it meant to do as a thing? Is it meant to say, don't do evil? Or we're innocent us monkeys? It's everywhere. This is a tourist item, I've turned it round, I've looked at these, they've got striking

Starting point is 00:38:49 blue eyes, two of these monkeys. The other monkey of course has covered its eyes with its hands, so you can't see what colour its eyes are, but you'd assume them to be a bright blue as well. Blue, you'd think so. Because they are in a family unit of sorts. And it's not only a embodiment in sculptural form of the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil saying, Paul, it's also a tourist item from Castor on Sea. Castor on Sea, yeah. There is an eye after the eye, which is why we both got it wrong.

Starting point is 00:39:15 Here's the thingy, like, okay, so this comes from a thing called the Three Wise Monkeys, which is a Japanese pictorial maxim, embodying the proverbial principle of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. The three monkeys have names. Mizaru, I hope I get this pronunciation right, but Mizaru does not see, covers their eyes. Kikazaru does not hear, and Iwazaru does not speak.

Starting point is 00:39:38 And they are often referred to as the three mystic apes. There are at least two divergent interpretations of the maxim. In Buddhist tradition, it is about avoiding evil through thought and deeds. In the West, however, it is often interpreted as dealing with impropriety by turning a blind eye to something. Yeah, like, I'm not, you ain't seen me. Or, you know, someone gets mugged and you're like, oh, I'm not going to get involved sort of thing. Outside Japan, the monkeys' names are sometimes given as Mizuru,

Starting point is 00:40:05 Mizarru and Mazaru and the last two names were corrupted from the original Japanese. The monkeys are Japanese macaques, a common species in Japan and then there's loads of other things you can go and see. That's so bizarre, it still doesn't really explain why they're a thing. It's just it comes from legend, it comes from folklore, families, you know, it's like proverbs, it's that whole idea of just telling, teaching a lesson through a story or character. It's just, it comes from legend, it comes from folklore, families, you know, it's like proverbs. It's that sole idea of just telling, teaching a lesson through a story or character. It's got a sort of neat pictorial form, I guess, and a sort of symmetry, the trio, people, you know, I'm just saying why it becomes popular as a thing. Anyway, that's a very nasty... A little bit of education that you get on this podcast.

Starting point is 00:40:40 Nasty bit of sort of resin, I think this is, and it's been hand painted, and someone's actually put their initials in the back or something I'll hand it over to you Paul. I don't like it. I don't like this shit. This looks sloppy as crap It does. You know what I mean? Like a really nasty little kind of... It's a nasty thing. Do you know when you used to buy those toy kits when you were a kid where you could put Plaster of Paris and shake it up into a rubber mold. Yes, that's what it is. This feels like one of those. I'm gonna go and head and say I'm to play my quids gambit on this. You're going to play the quids gambit on this.

Starting point is 00:41:06 I'm playing the quids gambit on the monkeys. Paul, I could change and I could go on the monkeys too. Because I mean, I'm not 100% confident, but I'm feeling this. This has vibes. Oh, look, it's the third item and it's three monkeys. So that saved me writing three down twice. You said, sorry, Paul, you said one quid there.

Starting point is 00:41:24 Yeah, I said, well, quids gambit. I need you to putid there. Yeah I said well quids gambit I need you to put QG down. QG quids gambit. What are you going to put down? I'm going to say 75 for that one. Oh yeah. Right on to our final two items. And I just to say oh go on we can we can amend these when we have another little recap at the end. We always do. OK. OK. It's a cassette.

Starting point is 00:41:54 Item number four. It's sealed. I don't know if I'm going to be bothered to open it. But what this is, is a recording of two episodes of the sitcom Men Behaving Badly on cassette. That was so huge for a moment wasn't it? It was a huge sitcom in the 90s, Men Behaving Badly, and I really remember enjoying it. I think between like seasons two and four it's like at its best. Oh really? Yeah. It wasn't one of these what the first season isn't the isn't the best. The first season's interesting if you want me to get nerdy

Starting point is 00:42:21 about it. I would like you to, yes. So the first season first appeared on ITV, come and what year, maybe very early 90s and it had Martin Clunes who went on to be in the rest of the sitcom, but his flatmate in that was Harry Enfield. For various reasons they thought it was going to get cancelled, which it kind of did, so Harry Enfield left, the BBC picked it up and then Neil Morrisey joined the show and then from season two onwards that's the memory, if I even badly everyone knows. And Neil Morrissey was in the role that was played by Enfield. Different character. Well, you'd think because they seem so different.

Starting point is 00:42:51 They were very different. And to be fair, as much as I love Harry Enfield, he didn't seem comfortable in a sitcom role. He's not, I mean, he is, I'd say one of the greatest character comedians this country's ever produced. Yes, I would agree with that. Easily one of my favorites, made me laugh the hardest. But he has his limitations weirdly in weird areas like straight quote unquote straight acting. Yeah, comic acting rather than character sketches, which is his thing really.

Starting point is 00:43:17 Because in Memmy Even Badly he had to basically play, you know, a Jack the Lad kind of thing. And actually, you know, he wants the broader characters. He likes the characters, the impressions, all this kind of stuff. Whereas Morrissey seemed to embody what they were going for much more. The sort of young, the laddish, you know, the sort of cheeky. Yeah, he had more, yeah, more of a common man touch, didn't he? And then you got Martin Clunes as well, who had been in loads of little sitcom parts before, and other small films and things. He'd been in Doctor Who in the 80s. And this is, you know, it's one of those sitcoms, lad culture, drinking, really, don't understand women, women going, oh dear, crossing their

Starting point is 00:43:52 arms. Yes, but was it, it was sort of good-natured, wasn't it? Wasn't it horribly toxic looking back? It's one of these weird sitcoms where I think in some respects, yes, it's dated quite poorly in how… The sex politics. Yeah, the sex politics. But by and large, it was a character-led comedy.

Starting point is 00:44:09 And so as a result, the characters themselves were worth investing in. And so there are some really good episodes of that show. But then as most sitcoms do, they disappear up their own arse or they get serious or there's more drama introduced and it all gets a little bit like, er. But... Can I have a look? It's also based on a novel. The novel came first, maybe even badly, by the same guy.

Starting point is 00:44:26 Oh God, who wrote it? Doesn't actually say on the front who was the writer of it, which you'd think could be quite important. Did they write all of the episodes as well? Yeah, Simon Nigh. Ah, Simon Nigh. Who also went on to do a Doctor Who episode himself. Oh, I see. Out of interest.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Dorothy. You know sex? Hmm. You know sex? Erm... Is that the one where two people bounce up and down together with everything flapping about a bit? That's it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:54 You know how some people have had lots of partners and other people have had possibly not quite so many? Hmm. I love it when you tease me to breaking point with your probing questions. How many have you had? You should never ask a woman that question, Gary. Why not?

Starting point is 00:45:11 Well, if she's had a lot, then she's a slut, and if she hasn't had very many, then she's a frigid old witch. Which one are you? This is very well preserved. Yeah. Running time, approximately 50 minutes. Probably a C60 cassette. Is this just a recording of the TV show? Yeah, it's two episodes of the TV show.

Starting point is 00:45:33 Which they record in front of a live studio audience today. Yeah. And here's the thing as well, this was not uncommon. In the 80s and 90s, lots of sitcoms were released by the BBC on cassette. Blackadder, you know, Only Fools ended up being released on cassette for people. It was just a common thing where VHSs were still a little bit expensive to get your favourite sitcoms on vinyl or cassette. Cassette was a huge decade spanning format. So big. The compact cassette.

Starting point is 00:45:59 What I find interesting, if you have to pick something interesting about this item, because you know it's just a cassette with two episodes of the show on, is that it's published by Penguin and not BBC, even though it is a BBC sitcom. I think they had a deal for cassettes with Penguin because Penguin did a lot of audio books. No, no, BBC released all their own stuff themselves. So why this then? That's exactly. The only thing I can think of is something to do with the rights of the

Starting point is 00:46:19 book itself, which was probably owned by Penguin. It must be to do with his contract with Penguin, Knight's contract with Penguin. It's just weird though, because the book itself has elements of what the sitcom became, but it's much more like an Adrian Mole kind of thing. I was just about to say, weirdly enough. So anyway, two episodes of the sitcom on there. I don't know what season they're from. I couldn't tell you if they're good episodes or not.

Starting point is 00:46:39 I'm saying 50p. Yeah, you know what? I would say 50p too. 52p? No. You see what I did there? 250p is a pound. No, I would go with... you know what? Just for the game of it, I'm going to say 60p. You're going to say 60?

Starting point is 00:46:55 Just for the game of it. You know what I mean? Okay, just for the game of it. Last item, it is a book again. It's called The Bedside Book of Great Sexual Disasters. Oh, I've seen this before. The thing I don't like about this is going, Whoa, sexual disasters, until you find out who the author is. Would you like to guess who the author is of this? Is it someone?

Starting point is 00:47:14 Think of a cunt who churned out any old bollocks to stay relevant in the 80s and 90s. Jonathan King. Giles Brandreth. Brandreth. Oh, come on, he's not as much of a cunt as King. Oh, no, okay, but just in terms of, they put their names on everything. What? What have you got in your pocket? Jami Dodgers Giants.

Starting point is 00:47:34 Just want to pop that out for a little bit. I know, but you never feel that, like it was a condom and you're about to go on a date. I know, it's weird. I feel good about it. So Charles Brandreth is what people like to call the cuddly Tory. The only Tory you're allowed to like. Yeah. Even though I'm pretty sure he voted for some of the things that helped destroy this country. However, he was always on TV AM reviewing shit, wasn't he? He was the quiz master. He wrote quiz questions for game shows in the 80s, like mega quiz or whatever it's called, ultra quiz.

Starting point is 00:47:59 Yeah, big broadcaster. He didn't he do Gardner's Question Time? I don't know, but he was always on fucking things like Countdown. Yes, give us a clue. Yeah, and he always had cuddly jumpers on with something daft or wacky on. Just a minute, he was on a lot. Always on just a minute. He was very good at that.

Starting point is 00:48:15 Yeah, he was. I mean, this is the thing, he wasn't without talent. It was just like, he was either chalk and cheese to you, you either liked him for his jovial manner or you thought it was like someone drilling your teeth with a rusty fucking nail. Anyway, this book is about sexual encounters. Disasters. Disasters. Great sexual disasters on the other hand often happen to other people in the most unlikely

Starting point is 00:48:33 of locations. Foam boxes and baths. Rain rogers. Rogers? Range rovers. Brave rogers. What? Brave rogers.

Starting point is 00:48:42 Rondrond? Range rogers. Rondrondry. And? Brave Rogers. Rondronges. Raindroges. Rondrongery. And graveyards. So it's a side-splitting selection of horny horror stories from around the world, from

Starting point is 00:48:55 bishops to actresses, nuns to gold-digging drag artists, the priest who died on the job in a warehouse. Do you know why I think they probably thought he had an affinity for this? Because I'm sure he wrote just straight novels that won that bad sex award, you know that really famous bad sex in literature award? I seem to remember Brandreth won that for some terrible sex prose. The idea of him writing a sex scene on its own. And then he took off his colour-deaf jumper. I know, but apparently it was really bad.

Starting point is 00:49:23 Like, The smiling face of Mr Happy staring back at the prone young girl as he burred down on her with his meagre pale flaccid penis. He wouldn't do that. It'd be strong like a horse. You know there's a whole chapter here called Puppy Love and I don't know if you want to fucking read that bit. Oh Calamity. You do want to read that bit. Oh Calamity. Did you not find any interesting bits before we started recording?

Starting point is 00:49:43 No, because I didn't know what this book was. I didn't want to look at it in case you called it this stealing. I'm going to pick one at random. And then can I pick one at random, please? I'm up for it. Anything amusing at all in there? I'm in the section called O Calamity. I'm looking for stuff here. Hair brush up the arse.

Starting point is 00:49:58 I mean, you're not going to get that in this book. You're not. I don't think you are. You're not even going to get hair brush up the arse. I don't think so. It doesn't take much to bring a man down to size. In 1980, Julie Barlow, an anthropology student at the University of Chicago, was stepping out of a phone box one evening when a man approached her, displaying himself and asking, what do you think of that then?

Starting point is 00:50:18 It looks like a cock to me, she said, only smaller. That's the segment. Wow. That's the story. That. That's the story. That's not a great story, Giles. No, it's not, is it? There's nothing clever to it to warrant its inclusion to here. I'm sure a lot of women have seen sad men's cocks before and gone, what a fucking tiny shit dick.

Starting point is 00:50:37 I mean, they say that's like, you try to intimidate and scare and shock, aren't you, when you flash someone. Yeah. And if someone goes, ha ha ha, that's terrible. But I also wouldn't call it a hilarious sexual disaster, that story. I would not. Absolutely not. A bit of a disaster, you know, personally.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Yeah. Anyway, shit. Shit. This book's shit. Shit book. Are you ready for some more shit for the shit book? When passing judgment in a case in which a wife had thrown almost every form of domestic utensil at her husband, Mr. Justice Kaminsky concluded

Starting point is 00:51:05 she could not be considered cruel since on almost every occasion she had missed. Ha ha ha. Oh my god. One more, one more, one more. It's like polite after dinner sort of... It is. It's two people....don't offend the vicar sort of stuff. Two people making small talk at a table saying well you know the judge in the end apparently said it wasn't cruel because none of the items hit him. Of course, of course he was such a droll judge. Fucking hell. Write this down Giles, write this down. You know what I mean? He's killing me. Write this down Giles. He's having a breathing problem again. I think he's having a breathing problem again. Er, okay, one more.

Starting point is 00:51:47 Go on. Young people are occasionally confronted with the fact of life at a very tender age. Oh God, this could be troubling. Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Lawrence Olivier and Joan Plowright, she did get Plowright at least once. At least once! Plow right! Was only a little boy when on the front at Brighton he was confronted by the sight of

Starting point is 00:52:10 two dogs. Oh, oh, oh. Paul. Is this the puppy love chapter? Two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest. God, name droppy enough. Fucking hell.

Starting point is 00:52:21 Fucking hell. Plow right, Coward, Olivier. So he's walking along with fucking Noel Coward. Apparently. As you do. In Brighton. Fucking sounds well dodgy this. Two dogs are fucking. I would argue it sounds made up. But. The lad turned to Noel Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest and said, what are they doing Uncle Noel? The one in front is blind, said Coward unperturbed and the one behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to St Dunstan's. Oh god. It's not, it's what I mean, it's a, that sounds like you're at dinner table and Jow's brand is there over like eavesdropping on the table behind and Noel Coward's there going,

Starting point is 00:53:00 so yes I told the boys one was blind and the other one was walking to Dunstan don't you know. cowards there go, so yes I told the boys one was blind and the other one was walking to Dunstan don't you know? And Charles Bryan is like, yeah, yeah write this down for me book. It really feels like these are stories for people who don't actually want to discuss things of a sexual nature. It's sort of sanitised but in that subject matter it feels neutered for another dog word there. Here's one, I'll end with this one. Paul's in too now. You like this one, do you? No. Some time ago, the US Supreme Court elected to return the power of censoring pornography to local authorities.

Starting point is 00:53:33 In accordance with this, the town of Cloxton, New York, set up a nine-member obscenity committee. Harry Snyder, a retired businessman, was chosen as the chairman and an interesting appointment in view of his blindness. So they said, you're ahead of this thing even though you can't really see. Interviewed after the appointment a delighted Mr. Snyder admitted that the committee had attracted a good deal of local interest. My phone hasn't stopped ringing since. When he was asked about how he was able to carry out his new role the chairman explained that the other members of the committee sat next to him during film shows to film me in when the screen goes silent. Oh it's tiring, very tiring. So he's sitting there, she's taking out his penis now and she's holding it in the palm of her hand.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Oh she spat on it! She spat all over it! And he's like, yeah yeah yeah, say it slower. I'm a bit deaf as well. That was good, well done. Anyway! You felt one moment of wit in a sea of mediocrity. One nil!

Starting point is 00:54:41 One nil! One nil! One nil! One nil! No, you need to guess for the final item. Yeah, I'm going to go with heads. Can you give me a rundown of what I've spent so far in my guess-tomation? My pleasure, mates. For the first item, you said 75p.

Starting point is 00:54:55 Second item, 50p, so we're on £1.25. Quids gamut on the third item, so that is £2.25. 60p for the fourth item, so you're on chai of three quids. £2.25. £60p for the fourth item so you're on chai of £3.85. Chai of £3. So I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is, I'm gonna say 80p. 80p for the book. I have a feeling the books are gonna be a bit more expensive than I've guessed but I'm gonna say 80p. Right. What have you got going on? What did you say the quid's gambit was? I said it was the castor on sea thing. The monkeys. I said it was the monkeys. That's what my heart says. I'm not going on good. I'm going to stick. Yeah. Yeah. Solid. I'm sticking with the millennium bug. So what

Starting point is 00:55:32 do you think the last price is then on? Cause I'm going to stick with my prices. I'm on £250, £325, £375. Okay. So not too dissimilar. About a quid to go. I think the £5 or less, remember, was the ceiling. What are you going to say? I want to say like 80p as well. Well, needless to say. There's a bit of rule where we can't match prices. I'm going to say £1.10. £1.10? For the book, yeah. Okay. They're a lot. They're like even just standard paperbacks in Oxfam at the moment are £2.50, you know? We don't know where they come from, what

Starting point is 00:56:03 part of the country do we? No. We could say Castor-on-Sea, since that's where the Bunkies you know? I don't know where they come from, what part of the country do we? We could say Castor-on-Sea, since that's where the Bunkies from, but we don't know. I'm going to say £1.10. I'm okay with this and I'm ready to receive some Pertweeings. I feel quite good, which is usually when I get a big old doughnut, which is what we call scoring zero Pertweeings everyone. It does happen and it happens to me more often. Why have you got a kind of Coke that says Isabelle on it? Because all the Cokes have got names on them now. They've been doing that for years. And I didn't know because when I bought this I just went beep beep got it put it in my bag. When I got it home I was like who the fuck is Isabelle? Why are they fucking bothering putting names on the normal Coke? Just release

Starting point is 00:56:39 orange creme flavoured Coke in the UK. Hashtag release the orange creme cut. Right, let's do the prices. Right then. Price reveal game, price reveal game. I've got the prices in the pill box. It's just for reference, a max strength cold and flu capsule. You're in charge of marking it off. I'm in charge of reading the mail.

Starting point is 00:57:03 I'm sorry to be grabby. You are a grabby baby. I'm in charge of reading the file. I'm sorry to be grabby. You are a grabby baby. I'm opening the tape. There's quite a lot of it. So you can see I couldn't have gotten in. Grabby baby, grabby, grabby baby. He's grabby baby, grabby, grabby baby. Except you're actually doing the Chucklevision music right there. I know.

Starting point is 00:57:19 Chucklevision, Chucklevision. Basically Avanosho. That's well sealed. The between scores safe. He's got them there. He's opening it up. Oh, he's put the stickers on as well. That's nice. Is there a sticker obscuring each price? No, he just put them on as a kind of... Oh, he's put the actual price tags on. That's a nice touch everybody. Shall I go with this list and read it as it goes down the page? Sure.

Starting point is 00:57:45 So the first item on here is the Millennium Hug. That is our first item as well, Paul. Yes, and what did you say? I played my Quids Gambit on that one. And I did... 75p. Well, originally the price was 50p, however it went down to 25p. Wow.

Starting point is 00:58:04 So 25p for that one. Wow no betwinks for either of us. And that means I can't get the quids gambit so that is a shame. Your quids gambit bid is still very much alive Paul. It's not I've seen the answers. Don't ruin it for everyone. I still might win that means. True. No betwinks yeah. True. So no betweens yet. No. World Stupid is Science Book.

Starting point is 00:58:28 And what did we say? Science Book is number two on my list as well, Paul. Okay, good. You said 50p. Yeah. I went much higher than that and said £1.50. The answer was £1. This was the quids gambit item.

Starting point is 00:58:40 That's the quids gambit item. I almost... I was gonna change it. I would never have picked that as the quids gambit item. I was gonna change my thing Yeah, oh what could have been what could have been so again? No petrinks for either of us there It's looking like a double donut sandwich. It's not no spoilers, but after this I might hang myself. Oh wow, okay Spoiler warning next one is the men behaving badly tape. What did you say?

Starting point is 00:59:02 What did I say 50p? I said and just and you said just for the game of it. Just for the game of it. You went for 60p. 60p. One pound 99p. What? That's unbelievable price. Apparently got from Oxfam. Yeah they're very highly priced Oxfam. I'm sorry charging two quid for a cassette. I don't care if it's sealed. It's sealed. No one has a cassette player these days unless you have a very old car or a very old MIDI system. Neither of us have managed to secure

Starting point is 00:59:28 a single dirty little between, Paul. I don't think it's gonna get any better either. Right, sexual disasters book. How much did you say, how much did I say? I said one pound 10, you said 80p. 20p, we're fucked. This thing's fucked. Finally, the monkey thing.

Starting point is 00:59:44 How much did you say, how much did I say? I said 75p. You said quids gambit quid. 50p, Eli gets one between. Oh my god. Right at the end. Right at the end. Oh my god. A Pyrrhic victory you must agree. What do you mean Pyrrhic? It's a victory. I'll take it. One between. How many between did you get? Nothing between. None. None betwings Paul. But I'm not saying it's a P, I'll take it! One between. You, how many betweens did you get? Nothing between. None! None betweens, Paul! But I'm not saying it's a Pyrrhic victory to say I haven't got anything. Oh, it's a marginal. Oh, it's not Pyrrhic, it's fucking real.

Starting point is 01:00:13 One between. John Pyrrhic. Oh, and the monkeys as well. Well, either way, that was it, so thank you Tom and Paul for your item. Thanks guys. They played you set us up like a kipper. That was fun. But I honestly think the items that are the smallest prizes are the more fun to play.

Starting point is 01:00:28 You know, 20p, 50p, £1, 80p. It's all more fun to play the price of shite that way I find. Okay. Personally speaking. Okay. Yeah, it was good. A bit wordy the items. You know, a bit too books.

Starting point is 01:00:39 Yeah, well still, it gets our teeth in too. I'm feeling a bit like I need some flavour in my life. Well, I'm glad you mentioned sauce, because now I can't put the sauce segment before the price of Cypher Tech. No, no, no, we're ending the show on the sauce now. Eli said so. Well... So how about this?

Starting point is 01:00:58 It'll make it easier for you, because you won't have to chop and change them. That means I don't have to do fucking any effort now, do I? I'm just wanking off onto the winter! This air is thrown all up, nothing matters no more to Eli! It doesn't matter anymore! Why are you full of speed like this? Right, let's get the source out.

Starting point is 01:01:14 Yeah! Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep I've just come into the office, it's the source report office, and what have we got? Sorry I'm late, I'm having problems at home, but what sources have we got today? Sir, we have four sources for you, sir. Very good. The source were parked. We have four and they're all themed around one particular brand of source, sir. Very good, very good, I don't know why it's gone all military. Sergeant Saucy, sir.

Starting point is 01:01:42 Oh, Sergeant Saucy, Sergeant Saucy reporting to duty, Sir. No, well, you don't have to salute me, Sergeant. I'm actually a civilian source expert here at the report office. Yet, Sir, I've been told, Sir, that you are the best source, Sir, of the world, Sir. Well, salute. Salute, Sir. Sergeant Saucy, what have you brought for us?

Starting point is 01:02:00 I'm not a real person in the army. You're not a real person? In the army. Oh, no a real person? In the army? Oh no, we know that. Shhh. Yo, bring on Sarsapha. I have brought you four sauces, Sar, today, Sar. And who's made all of these sauces?

Starting point is 01:02:13 Sar, these have been brought to you by the fine brand of Pepper Army, Sar. Pepper Army sauces. What have we got? Can you go sit over there now? You've done your bit, Sergeant Saucy. I like him. He goes over there. Right, so yeah, we've got four sources. They've been sent to us by various people. I lost a bit of paper that sent us the stuff.

Starting point is 01:02:32 So, Pepper Army, I'm just gonna give a little intro for people who don't know, is a brand of sausage. Salami sausage snack. Snack. Snack salamis. That's what they are. Like a thin, thin gym? Like a slim gym in like a thin thin gym like a slim gym in the states very much like a slim gym in the states but they are a big brand here they keep going they bring new things out but they've also dabbled over the years in other products poor

Starting point is 01:02:57 noted random stuff notably a deck of instant noodles like they yeah, we did do that. Which had little packets of cured meat with the instant noodles. I'd love to get a hold of them. No, did we do them on the show? I don't think we did. I think we've done Pepper Army instant noodles on the show. I don't remember who I am now. Mate, to be fair, it's been 10 years. Almost.

Starting point is 01:03:19 And 450 episodes. So we're allowed to have blank spots in our content. Anyway, I just bring it up to say that they have been known to dabble in other things before and I'm very excited to taste these sauces. We have four bottles ahead of us. Why is one in a squeezy? Well because it's different. This one I've got in my hand is Hot Pepper Army.

Starting point is 01:03:37 They're all called Hot Pepper Army basically. Spicy Ketchup, a delicious hot tangy flavored tomato sauce and it's two out of three hot it says here. Okay and what are the other? Tomato based sauce with sugar, smoke and hot pepper flavor. That might be nice. It might be nice. What are the other Pepper Army branded hot sauces that we have Paul? Well we have one bottle here with a green label that says the original Pepper Army chili sauce,

Starting point is 01:04:01 great on burgers and fries and this is mild, one out of three hot it says here. It looks like a barbecue sauce, very brown, or a brown sauce. A smoky chilli sauce made with tomato, dates and orange concentrate. Oh, very sweet then with the orange and the date fruit content. Number two, it has a red label. Well this is number three. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:22 We did the spicy ketchup, the mild And then the second of the glass bottles. Is hot pepperoni chili sauce, great on burgers and fries. This is two times hot. OK. And then it says here, same thing, tomatoes, dates, orange concentrate. So these three bottles are in fact the same sauce at three different heatness levels. Yeah, because this first one just says original. This one says hot.

Starting point is 01:04:41 And then the third bottle. Is fire stick. With the black label. Yeah, fire stick, pepperoni, chilli sauce, extra hot. Because Firestick is their extra hot sausage product because they do have hot and... It's also the name of an Amazon dongle, isn't it? The Firestick. The Firestick. And my diseased, ridden penis is called Firestick.

Starting point is 01:05:01 Is it? Because it burns at night. It's very flaky at the moment and when I scratch it, it like... No my fire stick. Is it? Yeah. Because it burns at night. It's very flaky at the moment. When I scratch it, it like... No one needs it. It flakes off. It flakes off. Then it leaves like raw skin.

Starting point is 01:05:11 So you have Dick-druff. Dick-druff, yeah. How can you tell what's Dick-druff and what's just dried cum and... No, it is dried skin on my penis. I have to use special shampoo called Ball and Shaft. You're like head and shoulders. It's Ball and Shaft. I was reaching for it. Dick-o-tay. Splosh and go. You're like head and shoulders. It's Ball and Shaft. I was reaching

Starting point is 01:05:25 for it. Dick-o-tay. Splosh and go. Splosh and go. So anyway, we've got these sauces. No, Paul, I used to use shampoo bottles as a wank tool. Yeah, a little sucky-socky on it. A little sucky on it.

Starting point is 01:05:37 That's why we had a guy in school called Luke, because he once got his penis stuck in a Luke as a bottle, because he was using it as a blowjob. No, surely it was just called Luke? No, his name was Luke because he got his name was actual, Aaron, but he got his penis stuck in a bottle because he was sucking it and it was the plastic Lucas A bottles and he had caused the vacuum.

Starting point is 01:05:55 He got his bell head stuck in it. And he had to go to hospital. I don't remember what happened, but we called him Luke. Paul, I just want to mention one thing. He was trying to get it out and we said, use the fork, Luke. Paul, I just want to mention one thing. He's trying to get it out and we said use the fork, Luke! Well done, Paul. Now, let's have sauce. I just want to say one thing. Paul, they've recently... Come out to play!

Starting point is 01:06:16 Pepperami! Come out to play! Do it like that, say it like that. Hey Eli! Though Pepperami come out to play. Play Eli. Thank you. Now, Paul, they recently did add a snack sausage to their roster and it was the chorizo flavoured one. Oh nice. And it was bloody nice.

Starting point is 01:06:39 How will it translate to sauce? They're going for a smoke because all of their sausage is kind of a smoke salami. So, these might be quite nice. There's only one way to find out, and that's to order some chips online, have them come to the house, nice and hot, and dip our spicy sauces in them. The chips have arrived, and so it is time to do the sauces. What do you want to start with?

Starting point is 01:07:06 We might as well start with spicy ketchup. Yeah, because the other three. Do you want your own little chip box? Yes please. My chip box over here. Oh they have retained some heat. Nice, well done. Yeah, thank you. Okay.

Starting point is 01:07:19 So we start with the ketchup. This is the pepper-ar-ar-army ketchup. Spicy ketchup. I've squeezed it out. It looks very much ketchup consistency and color indistinguishable from worry up and eat me chips oh no no what's the hoof like mate oh very smoky no we're not getting any heat on the nose oh yeah it's mostly smoke it's very verb barbecue II mmm which shouldn't be a problem but it's gonna be interesting right here, here we go. Let's put some chips in that.

Starting point is 01:07:46 Alright, well how about you save some before you just stuff them in your fucking... You wouldn't just stuff them in your mouth then! I had two! You just put in like twenty! Oh my god! And you talk with your mouth full because you're fucking cretin. Slappy mouth, open mouth. You know you eat with your mouth open as well, which is another cretinous thing.

Starting point is 01:08:01 Jesus Christ! Right. Bit flavourless. There's more ketchup there than smoke. Christ. Right. Bit flavourless. There's more ketchup there than smoke. Yeah. And it's not bad. It's about as good as a McDonald's one. Oh, you know there's a little bit of tingly heat there. Do you not feel it? That's not bad sauce. It's quite nice. Oh yeah, there's a little bit of heat. Yeah. Quite nice as ketchup goes. Yeah. It says it's two out of three hot. Yeah, it's not that hot but it's not going to be as hot.

Starting point is 01:08:23 That's alright. As it goes. That's alright. Out of five. I not gonna be as hot. One out of three. Yeah. That's alright, as it goes. That's alright. Come on, out of five. I'd say 3.2. I'd say 3, right down the middle. Original. Now, let's go for the original chilli sauce, yeah? Which is a 1.

Starting point is 01:08:34 Green, red, then black, basically. Yeah. Now, this is gonna be even less hot than the ketchup. Ooh, much fruitier nose. Like a HP. Yeah. Much more vinegar on the nose. Do you remember HP used to do HP fruity? Maybe they still do, I fruitier nose. Like a HP. Yeah. Much more vinegar on the nose. Do you remember HPs do HP fruity?

Starting point is 01:08:47 Maybe they still do, I don't know. I'm gonna put me chips in and I've dipped it in and this is the pepperoni original chilli sauce. Didn't smell it. That's much sweeter than the ketchup. Nothing about this though, says chilli sauce. It's like barbecue sauce really. It's sweet like barbecue sauce. It has a smokiness like barbecue sauce. The heat is not there in this one at all.

Starting point is 01:09:07 It has a consistency and look of BBQ sauce as well doesn't it? It is BBQ sauce, you're right. It's just BBQ sauce, and it's not in itself a bad thing, but like, what's really your USP here? Weird. Quite nice. It's a bit like the McDonald's posh BBQ sauce, you know? Yeah, it's exactly, but so far both of these are about the same as you'd get from McDonald's. Well you wouldn't get a spicy ketchup like that. I prefer the ketchup in terms of uniqueness so far. Okay all right next one is red then which is the next one. The hot. Hot. Which is two which is meant to be as hot as the ketchup. Very similar smell. Look at that chip. That's a flattened chip you've got there. I'll sniff this one this is the hot. Same smell. You can smell a little bit more of a tingle. You can. A tiny tingle. I'll let you have a hoof in a minute once I've done me dunking.

Starting point is 01:09:46 There we go. He's dunked a couple of fries in. He's handing me the chips instead of the sauce, but he's rectified that. I don't like that one as much. No, as the first, as the second one you mean? This one is a bit like molasses-y. It's got that kind of note to it, and as a it kind of feels a little off and there's no heat there I can't taste any heat to that. The original was one out of three hot

Starting point is 01:10:10 This is two, but I'm not seeing any marginal difference at all. I can't tell the difference Can you tell the difference between the sources? The first one is just barbecue sauce sweet and smoky that one's got like a Slight licorice note to it or a molassesy kind of thing which just makes it like there's a little bit of rot or something in it. It's hard to explain. Yeah, again no heat from any of them. I don't think, I think they're quite nice. I like when I get a McDonald's or any other fast food, I like a barbecue sauce to make a bit of a difference to dip my chips in instead of the tomato ketchup pour. You're not much of a ketchup lover are you?

Starting point is 01:10:41 I'm a mayonnaise man really. Or HP, I'll go HP over ketchup every day. And would you go for just a barbecue, a standard barbecue over a ketchup? I'm not even a huge fan of barbecue really. Right, this has been underwhelming but I'm going to say these are not bad sauces. No, they're not horrible. If you want a basic sort of barbecue sauce this is fine. And it would be nice with a steak or something like that, a burger. Very nice with a steak or something like that a burger very nice with a burger but i'm looking for some heat Paul especially if it's advertised as hot

Starting point is 01:11:09 you know and also what's pepperami as a brand adding to this because there's no pepperami notes there it's the smokiness i guess it's a smoke yeah pretty smoky though yeah okay fine it's been a very long while since i've had one couldn't tell you they're not great and like i say the chorizo was nicer because it was more tender. Here's the other thing I would say about this as well. If you strip the label off these and put like, Farmer Bessie's... you know, barbecue... Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it when you try and make up for it. But you know what I'm getting at? Like, if you went for a more kind of upper-middle...

Starting point is 01:11:41 Die. Serves me right, doesn't it? I love it when you go for a generic thing and you think of those most sort of slightly off-kilter things. But you know what I'm getting at? Like, if the label was like Aunt Bessie's fucking Farmer Bessie's brown sauce, smokey whatever, deserved. Just a standard level.

Starting point is 01:11:56 You'd think, oh, it's alright for a little bit of a, you know, mid-range thing. But the Pepper Army brand kind of cheapens it. Yeah. It makes it seem naff. More gimmicky, yeah. And yet, it'll probably be just about the same. Now, I'm getting something from this third sauce, which I've poured the fire stick, the hottest one, into a ramekin. Three times hot.

Starting point is 01:12:13 It smells more, I don't know, more oniony. There's a difference on the nose I'm getting. It's more stale almost, or... It's a little bit like cleaning out the fish tank. I'm looking for an actual heat, noticeable heat on this one. I'm getting a good coating on this one as well to get a good fair joke. Any heat? There is heat there, but imagine heat as if distributed by popping candy almost.

Starting point is 01:12:34 It's like little pops of heat, little teeny tingles of heat just bouncing off the tongue. There's more noticeable sort of spice. It's funny, I don't know if it's the worst or the best one. I still think maybe the best one here is the ketchup. You know, it's more versatile. Oh, there's some heat there. Yeah, there's a little bit of heat there. It's not troubling me.

Starting point is 01:12:50 I mean, it's... Right. I'm gonna pick that chip up. I know you like to live in a pigsty, but I have some self-respect in this house. Right, now for check-offs. Candy. Just to reiterate, three out of five,

Starting point is 01:13:00 I might move it up to 3.5 now, for the ketchup. now that I've seen all the others. The original chili sauce, one times out of three hot green label, two and a half, two and a half for the other one, two and a half. I get all, you give them all two and a half. I'll give the ketchup. I did like the original.

Starting point is 01:13:14 I thought it was a quite nice, nice, yeah. So I'd give that three and I give the ketchup three and the others two and a half. I think now time for Chekhov's rotten cola bottle thing. Oh Christ. We go straight into that. I'm going to have a Coke and a half I think. Now time for Chekov's rotten cola bottle thing. Oh Christ we go straight into that. I'm gonna have a Coke and then have a Coke. Literally piece of chip just came out of my throat there. Do you know what you can do to stop that? Chewing food is really good.

Starting point is 01:13:36 There's a tiny bit. It's just because I'm trying to talk and do a review at the same time. Yeah but you're not meant to talk and eat at the same time are you? You can pace yourself. Fuck's sake. So truffling, snuffling through. Truffle, snuffle, fuck off. Right, Chekhov's off candy.

Starting point is 01:13:50 Chekhov's gum. Have another sniff. Chekhov's gum you said. These are beer bottles. Chekhov's gum you said. Chekhov's gum. Chekhov's gum. Make it work.

Starting point is 01:13:59 This smells like a bag of feet. Fuck me. It's beer, it actually has beer. It's yeasty, it's a yeasty smell is what that is. Yeah, it also looks like a kind of foaming cock as well. I love these. It has a little rotten sort of, that's meant to be the beer flavour that sort of. Oh it does actually say beer on it.

Starting point is 01:14:12 Yeah, they're little beer bottles, thank you. With a foamy foamy top. No cola, it's a beer. Yeah what is that flavour? It's a beer, fake beer flavour, it's like the flavour of Shandy. It's like the beer that you get in Shandy, that beer flavour. Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. Bas shandy.

Starting point is 01:14:26 Anyway, gummies were alright, they're not my favourite gummies. They're a bit too kind of gelatinous in a wet way at all. They have a wet gel- They have a wet gel-in-ality. Sir, have you finished with the sauces, sir? Thank Sergeant Sauce. Yes, sir. Yes, we've finished.

Starting point is 01:14:41 I need you to go back to Barracks. Yes. And I need you to produce the special sauce we know as Operation White Flem. And you can now count down the moment as Paul reaches for the obvious kumgag. Yes, sir! I shall go off right now and make some special sauce in my barracks, sir! White Flem, the thick kind.

Starting point is 01:15:01 Oh, he started making the sauce here, Jenkins. Why is Jenkins... Oh,'s started making the sauce here, Jenkins. Why is Jenkins... Oh, he's started making the sauce here. Attention! Oh, he comes to attention. See? Thank you! With a little bow on it.

Starting point is 01:15:19 Right, can we fuck off now? And that was Cheap Show for another week. We'll see you back next week for more economy comedy fun. Hey, your one stop shop for all cheap show stuff is thecheapshow.co.uk. It's our website. And if you go there, you can see pictures from this episode, links to videos, links to our cheap shots, links to our Patreon, the magazine where you can buy physical copies from a van, loads of stuff. All our social media is there as well.

Starting point is 01:15:52 patreon.com forward slash cheap show is the place to go to. If you listen to what we do, like what we do and want to support what we do, give what you can, but only if you can. And you'll have access to videos, behind the scenes stuff, extra podcasts, access to cheap shots early. Sometimes we do night bussing podcasts, we're working on that. Loads of stuff, loads of goodies there going back years now. So if you want to get involved, download a load of bloody hours of cheap show, go for it. And that's it. Hopefully next week we'll give you full news on the album, maybe even a little teaser as well of what's on it.

Starting point is 01:16:25 But other than that, oh that's it for this week. Are you just gonna shove chips into your mouth? Waste not want not. You don't like me when I say anything in this bit. Anyway so fucking fuck you, you grin. You fucking disgusting cretin, fuck you. Thanks everyone but fucking hell Paul, you fucking... Scoffy scoffy. Thanks for the... You just keep on eating, you can't even finish a sentence without forcing chips in your pie hole they're done now yeah you want anything from me you want to finish my chips yeah you're gonna deny them to me now all right no go on there you go have my chips so i'm just like the fact that i'm fit like i'm enabling you to eat more chips

Starting point is 01:17:01 a feeder that's the term a feeder right he's gonna carry on dipping and eating chips and I'm just going to wrap this up. What do you want from me? Nothing! I want nothing from you from this point on. Certainly this week. See you next week on Cheap Show. Thanks everyone bye. Bye bye.

CheapShow - Ep 435: Chekhov's Gum

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