CheapShow - Ep 437: Eli's Contrition

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

The award winning podcast returns for another episode packed with cheap thrills and cheap laughs! This week, Paul and Eli are dipping their toes into the murky waters of “Silverman’s Platters” to review three strange musical charity shop discoveries. There is quite the variety ranging from cheesy Dutch Moog arrangements to soul sapping ballads sung by a soap opera loser! There is even time for a dash of post-punk novelty too. Which will be a “platter” and which will be a “splatter”? Only time will tell. There is also the opportunity to revisit an often neglected segment, “Tales From The Shop Floor” which promises the usual confounding stories with the usual dirty denouement. Whilst it’s the same economy comedy as usual, there is a lot of emotional manipulation at play. Eli is forced into making more than his fair share of apologies and Paul is in full on gaslighting b*stard mode, which can never end well. ALSO: We launch the pre-orders for the CheapShow Album, celebrating 10 years of the podcast! Get yours here: https://www.diggersfactory.com/vinyl/327144/cheapshow-cheapshow All purchases of the physical vinyl album come with a digital download and 3 bonus tracks! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-437-eli-s-contrition And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I am slowly running out of patience with him. Bloody taking his time. Keeping me waiting. We should have been started half an hour ago. Maybe more. Five more minutes, pal. He's been five minutes for the last half an hour. I can't afford to wait.

We're starting without him, I reckon. I'm not apologising to you. You are. Are you ready yet? Don't just put your finger up. Are you ready yet? I want to know what an ETA is. Like 30 seconds.

I'm going to get a glass of water. Can the contrition start a bit later please? Contrition starts now. See what I mean? The things you and I could be doing right now. But no, we're waiting for His Majesty, aren't we? I'm gonna be cutting this down obviously in the edit. But just so you know, I've been recording for 45 minutes now. Lies!

Oh, are you ready darling? Don't lie! 45 minutes. It's been 45 minutes. Can Lies! Oh, are you ready darling? Don't lie! 45 minutes. It's been 45 minutes. Can we start now please? We have started. How's this for a level for you? No, it's not good enough, come closer.

How's this? I'm right up, I'm, my whiskers are brushing them off. Alright, try again. Is that okay? Yeah. How's this? Ah! Yeah.

I'm shouting now! Don't talk to me, I'm John Nommie. Now that you're sat down and you're ready to go and we are recording, this is now happening. It's now time for you to issue me, your boss, a formal apology for a comment you made a few weeks ago. Calling me a liar. I believe all the words were said as well, but the lying thing is the thing I remember

most that cut the deepest. And I would like you to use this platform and this moment as an opportunity to apologize. I was wrong about you lying about Cheetos being available in Tesco's. Thank you very much. Now we can all move on from this very sticky awkward moment. Thank you. I also have one other thing to say on a serious note, Paul. I had to take a picture of them on the shelf to bring it to his attention.

I saw the picture everybody. Never doubt me. Paul, one other thing. Yes. Leading on from last week's episode, yeah? Yeah. I just need to take this opportunity to give everyone an infrequent reminder that the people we portray on this podcast of ours, Paul, they are aversions, they are performances, so to speak. They are not the real person. And so my story about having thrush and how disgusting it was is not based on Eli Silverman, the real me. It is based on a caricature of the main. I mean, I had never had a crispy nut sack.

I've never grated my nut sack and used the crispy bits as parmesan in some kind of weird prank. And Eli has got gritty nuts. I have not got gritty nuts. You've got the grittiest nuts. I haven't got, that was years ago. You had gritty nuts. I was talking about an incident, not, it wasn't really me, but I was talking about an incident

from several years ago. Thrust doesn't, grunt, grunt nut doesn't last like that. Okay, grunt nut comes and it goes. The crispiness recedes. I think you're digging your own grave frankly at this point. I could use my nuts. You couldn't, you can't and you don't use your nuts. They're very elastic in fact. They're supple. They're like nice meat pillows for a little mouse. A little mouse could nestle. You know what I had a dream about last night? Oh, fuck off. About my cat dying. How sad is that?

My cat was with me, I was like in America or something. What do you want from me now? Do you want me to be sad over your non-existent dream cat's death? Basically, yeah. I want some empathy. I can't drum that up. I have no drum to beat that out of me. I want to go to the credits now. You're tired. Are you tired? Well, maybe, because maybe I've only had four hours sleep. Well, can we just let's bring that out.

I'm half wondering if this is like a hallucination that I'm having. I'm really a fast asleep right now and this isn't the episode. Could be. Are you real? Is this a dream? This is solipsism. Do you want to talk philosophy? This is solipsism. I would like to talk philosophy. Very much a discredited and sort of first level basic thing. Well I don't have that but I do have sloppijism which is close. Soloppijism. I have soloppijism. I have joloppijism. You come in a car.

Yeah. Yeah. That's joloppijism. Joloppijism, Jism. I have Jaloppy Jism. Right, well there we go. Look, you've got the card. You know what is a jalopy? Words are gone. Omonopoly. Omonopoly. Yeah, so I have a jalopy monopoly jism. And if you eat it fast you have an omonomonomonomonopelopony. Onomatopoeia jalopoly anonymy.

Yeah, there we go. And I think I'll put the music in now. Cheap Show to the Mother Boy Cheap Show to the Mother Boy It's the voice of shy Cheap Show to the Mother Boy Welcome to Cheap Show Okay, Paul, back from the credits. Time for some admin. You've got some important stuff to tell everyone.

I do have some important news. Ring-a-ding-a-ding, ring-a-ding-a-ding. It is announcement time. I'm just going to get into my ring-a-ding-a-ding bus. Oh, don't. Not a bus. Why? Why you refuse to do night busing, which is our spin-off podcast where we travel on the night busses of London, everyone. But every time we do a real episode he loves to pretend. Are you on the bus that took Cliff Richard on his foreign holiday? Ding ding! We're all going on a host season's holiday. In the film did they?

Thank you. Hello I am off the ring-a-ding news bus to bring you some ring-a-ding cheap show news. I don't know how else I can get into this segment. Hello, I am off the Ring-a-ding news bus to bring you some Ring-a-ding cheap show news. Oh, wow. I don't know how else I can get into this segment. Why is he doing his glasses like this? Like Ronnie Barker. I'm just producing it. Right, ladies and gentlemen, to celebrate-

Not Ronnie, sorry, the other one. Matthew. What's he called? Well, I'm literally about to do the admin and you can't let me get a sentence out. I just need to know who that guy's name is. Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett. Corbett. They both have glasses.

Yeah, but you're doing Corbett with the double fisting. Yes. P-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t Bus Impro, can I have a little Bus Impro after you've done the announcement? Yes, but let's just get through this. Give and take. Yes. Give and take. You mostly give and I refuse to take. Right, no, that's not true. I give all the time and you just take.

Got you. Are you going to clip that out? You cunt. Anyway, sorry, do the announcement. I'm getting on the bus again. No, don't, please don't. Shhh. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum BING BING! All aboard for the news! Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum BING BING!

That is the news! Shhhhhh! Hello everyone, this is the Ding Ding News Boss and I'm Paul Gannon with some hot off-the-press cheap show news. To celebrate 10 years of cheapap Show and 450 episodes we are releasing a Cheap Show comedy vinyl album and you can pre-order it right now right right now as you're listening right now you can go ahead and do that it's available to pre-order where Paul? On a website called diggersfactory.com

if you go to our website if you look on our social media pages, Instagram, Beastguy, etc., we will put a link up to that album page on their website. However, if you go to the diggersfactory.com and just look for Cheap Show, you'll find it easy as that. Yes, sir, you with the hand up. Will people be able to have some idea on what of the contents of the album? I will go through the track listing now. However, what I will say is this. Let's just say you don't have a vinyl album, a vinyl record player, sorry.

A phonograph machine. A phonograph, a gramophone. Oh yeah, gramophone. Either way. That's a label. We can let it go. You didn't realise it was a mistake. I wanted to let it go and roll on because I got the gist.

Everyone listening got the gist. Let's just gist off. I've got one off the gist. So what I'm saying is... Glist! Can I just say that, please? Glist. Thank you.

If you're thinking, oh, I don't have a record player, don't worry. If you buy it, it will come with a digital download code so you can download it to your hard drive in WAV, high definition, whatever. Here's a little tip to future collectors. Yeah. It isn't considered mint. Yeah. Unless the download code slip or whatever is included with the item.

So keep it with you if you get it. I'm sure it'll be printed on a piece of paper when you buy it. Yeah, but that's the thing. That's part of the mintness. Yeah. If you don't, if it came, if the record you're interested in came with one of those download codes,

Yeah. If the copy you buy doesn't have that, Yeah. then it's not considered complete, it's not considered mint. But everyone's going to buy this as a keepsake, as a gesture of celebrating 10 years of Cheap Show. Someone's going to buy 50 copies

and fucking hoif them up on eBay. Don't do that. And fuck us, gouge us! Don't you fucking dare. I know who to buy 50 copies and fucking hoif them up on eBay. Don't do that. And fuck us. Gouge us. Don't you fucking dare. I know who it is. You're fucking listening and we'll have an eye on you. Anyway, the point I would like to make is yeah, you'll get a download code so you can listen to the tracks on whatever device you fancy. However, the vinyl is going to be a very, very lovely thing. It is lovely. Again, all of our social media pages will have artwork at the moment, but the front

cover, as ever, designed by Vorotoni and it's fantastic. It is spin on our usual logo, but with a kind of DVD record CD vinyl twist. And a lovely, vivid, psychotronic kind of colour scheme as well. Yeah, pretty cool. And on the back, Yvonne has done an amazing rear cover for us. I won't explain what it looks like, but it's amazing. It's exactly what we wanted, and it also has all the track listings and stuff like that. So, yes, let's go through the track listing. Let's do that. Okay.

Alright. Then track number one. I won't go into every track, because what we will say is we have links, we do certain links between certain tracks, you and I, don't we? There's a mini narrative going through it. There is, like all the best comedy albums and some of the best hip hop albums have what known as skits. Yeah, think of them as skits where every track or so, me and Eli pop in and we do a little

bit. Anyway, so we've got tracks from, for instance, there was a mega mix of all the Cheap Show themes as one track, lovely little thing. This album was produced by Noiseland as well. That also needs stating. Noiseland has been a big part of getting this album put together and he's produced and mastered and all this stuff for us and obviously contributed a lot of the tracks we're gonna explain now.

So, Top Notch Western Romance. That is a tune that has been available on the podcast before. It is. It is, you remixed it for the LP. I think everything's been given a slight remix, so every track on this album has been cleaned up and redone. And am I right in saying, Paul, there are also tracks that we wouldn't have heard anywhere

else, some exclusives that are coming up. Well, we've got one very much so, yeah. We've also got a night busing theme by Seth Seabolt. We have the cool Cat of LA track, that's the one that sampled me when I was in LA. We have a cheap show rap, which was featured in episode 450. No, 400. What was that?

That was the TV episode. You know, when we did the rap board game, he turned it into a track. I remember that, yes. Then we have Teen Yeti's Delight. Which is a medley of all the Teen Yeti raps from over the years. Yep, yeah, yeah.

So that's got stuff from Noiseland and Adam Hampton as well. So there's contributions from them. We've also got the epic version of the lament of Captain Blue Balls, which is the big epic version that we use for Yule Vision. One of my favourite ones, I love that. And we've got, oh, got my one where I go, oh, he's a good boy. I was going to say, good boys on here, yeah. Whistle in the wind.

Whistle in the wind. Then we have a load of tracks from the Eurovision Song Contest. So from Chris Weatherill we have Between and C-U-N-T-K. Contest. What? Try that.

Chris Weatherill. Go back to the beginning cause you said Contest. Contest. Yeah, I know. We know what the word is. Contest. No, it was really, it was really no, it was fine. All right, fine. Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contost. Contest. Yeah, I know. We know what the word is. Contost. No, you really, it was really no.

All right, fine. Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest. And then we have, yeah, Pertwing and Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen from Chris Weatherill. We have Nostalgia's Gonna Get You and The Mayor Requests by Lee Spence. I love those. And then last year's winner, we have the Hot Sauce Wrap by Star Night Light. What a tune. Then we come to our unique. Another come to our unique track for the album.

We have got a track called Trackbot. It is a Trackbot track done specially for the album by Noiseland. If I may say Paul, I think this is the most dancey one. It's actually daft punky isn't it? It's a mid tempo, yeah, daft punky banger. And you'll only be able to hear it if you get that album. An electro banger. And then finally to wrap this up we have the Cheap Show end theme by Brian Wecht who is from Ninja Sex Party. And that predates our involvement with

Noiseland doesn't it? So that's one of the oldest pieces of music that still remains on the show. This one's gotta say for any nerds out there, Cheap Show nerds, yo, if someone asks you the question, what piece of music has been used the most in Cheap Show, it is Brian Wex. We've used it for the majority of every single episode to play out with. And can I just say the theme is kind of an exclusive

because what Noiseland has done, has done a sort of merging of both versions of the theme tune we've had over the years. Is that right? Or three versions? The intro theme. Yeah, that's what the opening track is. That is all three versions of the theme tune we've had over the years. Is that right? Or three versions? The intro theme. Yeah, that's what the opening track is. That is all three versions of the track.

So that would be Noiseland's version, obviously. Which is the latest. Oh, I've closed the screen down now. But then we had the remix from 300. Then we had the original track. The original track. So anyway, look, that's the album in a nutshell. We want you to get it.

It's on Digger's Factory. And when we cross 100 pre-orders, then it starts getting manufactured. And then we can hopefully get it out to everyone by episode 450. That's the plan. So order it now. Please.

Yeah, it helps it actually get happening. Yes. So that's the plan with that. We're gonna post on social media and on our websites and on YouTube and stuff. So all the information will be spread as far and wide as we can. But that's the the Cheap Show album and we want you to have it. When you said spread I just thought of like a hippo. Scatting it. Every time I hear that word spread I think

of a hippo's butt. Metaphorically you can't say that's what we are doing frankly. Muck spreading. Muck spreading our content. Around the river represents the internet. Yeah. And we're sort of... And the hippos arse is me and you. Yeah. Who's the tail? Noiseland. Yeah.

Okay. So that's it. Go get it. Let's start the show. He's fucked off again. Again, just left me here. About to go. I've got a segment ready to go.

And he's let me down again. Held me up again. Held you up again, dear listener. Oh, the contrition I'm going to want from you. Sorry about the Cheetos and also holding you up again. And also, just remember, clean balls. Never a thrush between me nuts. Never a thrush between me nuts. No capey crispy sprinkles. No cape-y, crispy sprinkles. Goo in the hand is worth two in the thrush. Oh, there you go. Thank you.

One in the gland is worth two in the thrush. Now we're making television. It's time for a segment we've not done in many, many, many, many, many episodes. To the point where I don't even know if you've got a jingle for it. We don't. But it is Tales from the Shop Floor. That's the jingle, isn't it? Yeah, but it's meant to be Tales from the Dance Floor, isn't it, originally for you?

It was Tales from the Dance Floor. I've got a little one of those, if you want. You know what, for old time's sake, let's do, or we haven't done one in a while, let's do a Tales from the Dance Floor. Uh, DJing in a venue that's new to me, just opened up. Did it, did it. Come on, we haven't done that in a while, have we? Old favourites.

And a young lady came up to me and she said, she was smiling at everything, she said, can you play something good? Classic. She's either Welsh or Australian. Australian. Okay. So I thought that's quite rude, isn't it? And she meant that...

Why do you think that was rude? Play something good. Maybe she can't... Oh, okay, you're saying that she thinks your music is shit, so go on, play something good. Yeah, it's literally the worst, rudest request you can make. Luckily, she was quite beautiful and also was smiling. So if she wasn't up to your standards of beauty, you would treat her worse? Is that what you're fucking saying?

I couldn't hate her, Paul. Wow. Do you want this bit cut out? No. Look, I wasn't the one being rude or coming up to her or anything This episode is gonna be called Eli's contrition. I'm gonna fucking tell ya Apologize. No, she was rude to me Yeah, but you went easy on her cuz she's got she's a beautiful woman that you had a little bit of a horn for

I did not have a little bit of a horn. So you had a very big one No, I'm not saying Is that what you're saying? You're putting words in my mouth. You're putting dick in my mouth. Yeah, a metaphorical dick in the form of my words. Anyway, this wasn't meant to be another argument where I had to apologize. This was meant to be just an example of a tale from the dance floor. Maybe you shouldn't have brought this story up, mate.

No! Oh dear. Listener, I'm pulling at my collar to the side. Fuck's sake! I'm going like that. I just it was just a nice thing. What was? You letting her off of a grilling. What was I gonna do? If she'd been a beast woman, a shaggy beast woman. That's horrible. You're a horrible person. If she'd been a big shaggy beast woman. Right. So many fans. I would still have. So many Cheap Show fans. I still would have let her off. Heartbroken.

Can I just make this clear right now? No matter what she looked like. Yeah. God. God. You. God. Dig. Dig. Digging what? Dig. I found someone attractive and rude at the same time. Is that against the law, Paul? What is this story? What is this Tales from the Dance Floor? It's just a request thing. Just a rude request, an example of a Tales from the Dancefloor, which is what this fucking segment came out of. And all it's done is ruin your reputation. Listen mate, my reputation. It's dog dirt.

Yeah, well, you're here with me, you're here with me mate. With? You're with me? You did with. You've got bad ones today. I've got a bad grunt going on. You've got grut. I've got a bad grunt going on That's why I did the decent thing of making sure no one was around when I let one go He's got a grotty butthole it guts all day long it comes out in the sun and it's doused in half pong Not your best You're just not in the mood that's considered a low bar slay you and this is considered the low bar of Eli's rhyming couplet

That will slay you last year. No, the low bar of Eli's rhyming couplet disaster. That would have slayed you last year. No. The magic's gone. I've grown. I've grown. I've changed. You're just tired.

You're not having a good time. I'm having a good time. Alright, come on then. Because I'm getting you to apologise. I'm not apologising for... Why not? For love, Paul. You should.

No, I should not. You should be. Fucking come on. I'm sorry on Eli's behalf then. I have the power of attorney over his apology and I'm apologizing for him. Fuck you. Right, this letter came with the caveat that they did not want to be named or mentioned, so they should be called Jane Doe.

And this email from Jane Doe goes like this as a tales from the shop floor. It's a retail based story. I don't know actually. I read it once very quickly. It must be. And there's I think there's two, a couple of stories in here but here we go. Okay cool. Uh hello Paul and Eli. Hello.

After dinner with colleagues some interesting stories started flowing and here's a few I thought you might like. Uh so I'm presuming this is a story from the other one of those people. I like this. This is like one of those people. I like this. This is like one of those films from the 70s, like a portmanteau. It's going back into flashback now. Yeah. The camera's cut to the fireplace

and then it's fading into this scene. You know what I mean? It's a nice opening after dinner. Yeah, it's nice. Stories come out. Yeah, Vincent Price in the corner there. I'm seeing Vincent Price. Yeah, I know.

Bit of Lumley. Yeah, maybe, maybe a bit of a... I don't think it's a bit of Lumley. Just the leg. Lumley's leg. Lumley's leg on the table. Sorry. I'm sorry. See what I mean? I totally objectified Lumley there. I'm sorry. I saw a photo of her on a roof the other day.

Come on, mate. Lumley on a roof. Come on, sorry. It's a new TV show. BBC. This autumn. Lumley on a roof. Saving Nepal with Lumley on a roof. Come on, sorry. It's a new TV show. BBC, this autumn, Lumbly on a roof. Saving Nepal with Lumbly on a roof. Yeah, right, come on. This is, I think, from the perspective of the person telling the story. I work for a large water company.

The branch I work at is responsible for customer care, communications and billing. Over the years, people have responded to our bills in all kinds of different ways. One of the more harmless things that happens are old people that send us envelopes with cash inside, bills and coins, to pay their bills. Another customer returned our water bill and wrote on the back that he was a sultan with 30 camels and a man of his caliber shouldn't have to pay for his water. That's bold. Also, the more, I mean, saying I'm rich so I shouldn't have to pay, I mean, that's one of the problems with the world, isn't it? It's basically inferred that that's what happens these days.

Why you need to write it down, I don't know. It fucks me off. You know, I wouldn't- It's really expensive to be poor. The poorer you are, the more expensive it fucking gets. Here's the thing though, right? I wouldn't think to send a water bill back to a company with, I don't know, an epithet on the back that says, don't you know who I am?

I'm king of Legoland and I don't want to fucking pay for water. Yeah. It's obviously it was obviously a prank. I'd say probably. Yeah. I am Judge Mental! Weird character come back everyone. For the murder of 17 people I sentence you to Toffos! Toffos! Banana Toffos! Was they a thing?

Yeah, Banana Toffos. Are they like a rolo but a banana version? No, they're like a big chewy toffee sweet, weren't they Toffos? You don't like them though. I don't, I've not had them in 20, maybe 30 years, I don't know. I just said, but are they Toffos? Are we talking to the judge now or Paul? Are we talking to Judge Mentall?

OK. Which I'm sure of. He got very sane there for a second talking about his experiences with Toffos. He has sad moments of lucidity. Where he thinks about old conventionaries. Where he's just a normal guy like this, hello, I'm Judge. I mean, I'm, sorry, is this in the pool now? I'm Judge Mentall.

His voice doesn't really distinguish that much between you. like this hello I'm George. I mean I'm sorry is this in the pool now? I'm George Mentor. His voice doesn't really distinguish that much between you. Hang you by your toes until you are well fed. Okay now can we get on with the story please. Bring in my jury of parrots. What? Squire? Guilty! All parrots. All things that in Paul's world infer madness. Yeah. Animals. Doing this. Sweets.

And jelly. Yes. Every mad person does that. You should apologise to people who are mentally unwell. I'm sorry. I am one of their number. Right. Who?

You or the judge? Judge and Paul? I don't know who I am. Maybe I am. Judgemental. And Matthew, you woke up and you thought you were Judgemental. We'd have to stop the podcast there. That's close to me. Close. To the fucking edge. Right. Of course, I've saved the most cheap show story till last.

When former residents have moved out and the new residents receive a couple of final warnings type of bills that are not for them it's likely they will get increasingly annoyed with each one which is understandable and obviously something we try to avoid. Some people call us others write nasty things on the socials. One individual took a more drastic measure. Go on have a guess. Mailed them a poo. Well ladies and gentlemen poo in a box is one. I can't get my mind off that poo in a box, Paul. What's the plan B? That's definitely bold, isn't it?

Wee in a box. Wee in a box. You have to have waterproofing. Jism, sick. There's loads of things you can pull out of your body and stick in there. I think jism and sick is much more psycho. With poo, it's bad. It's a statement, isn't it?

But it's a statement that is in the realm of sort of... You are excrement. This is excrement to me. This is my leavers. You can see that as a protest. They call it a dirty protest. But if it was vomit or jism, you'd sort of call therement this is excrement to me this is my leave that's a protest they call it a dirty protest but if it was vomit or jism you'd sort of call the police wouldn't you know what I mean more so yeah especially jism would you call the police i mean yeah where you might not call it i have done no but you might not if it was a poo yeah you might think oh i understand

keep that is that what you're saying i'll have that one I'll have that. No, I'll keep that. Is that what you're saying? I'll have that one. Just read it. I can't. There's a point I was trying to make. I know. One individual took a more drastic measure. He took the bill, wiped his bottom with it, placed the smudged piece of paper inside a plastic sleeve, sealed it tight and then returned it to us. Rest assured the person in the mail room that day did not enjoy the smelly surprise. Oh, that's fucking R.A.S.

But then you'd know who it is, so you'd send the police around, right? Well, I don't know how prosecutable that is. You could sort of... I think if someone sent me... You could say, oh no, it just fell in the shit. It just fell up my arse. It just fell up my arse? I was sitting down. And then I accidentally sealed it in a plastic envelope. I shit myself all the time, a doctor says

So, you know, all my stuff shitty, all my papers shitty You could argue, theoretically you could argue that your shit stain is your signature My word is my bond, and I'm gonna use my skiddy as a basic Kissy kissy skiddy they call me Oh, I'm fast! Mr. Kiss Skids Yes Is that the end of the letter?

That's it I thought we had more than that No, that's it. I thought that was enough. That's enough for half of an episode. We've been going 17 minutes. I know, because you had two meltdowns. We've had, this is like 11. 11 minutes? Yeah.

Is that long enough for you? That's long enough for me. We've still got a lot of episode left to go. Okay. We're going to do platters now, aren't we? We certainly are. But thank you, Jane Doe, for the letter. I wouldn't like to have a skid mark bill.

Especially if it was straight from the company themselves. Like the company sent that to you. Final warning and then the CEO's muck spread on the back of it. I mean we'll get into that point eh? Right on brothers and sisters. Little bit of politics there, little bit of politics. You can understand that but I think it's just one of these things where it's not the right thing to do.

What, shit in something and post that shit? Because it's not the person who works in the mailroom's fault, is it? No, it's not. No, it's not their fault. That capitalism exists sort of thing, you know? But they're at the front line for that kind of problem. Yes, they get abused. They should, what you should do is, if you're sending a letter back, put something nice in

for the mailman boys. Yeah. Like a lollipop. Or a petal. A stick of gum. Oh, a petal. Or a book token. A book token's nice. Or a book. Just put something nice in the letter too. What about this? Vintage postcard. Oh, lovely choice.

Like maybe one from Blackpool, the 70s. Or one of those crudely drawn ones where it's like a woman in a... A naughty one? Yeah, naughty. Well, no, you want to check, it might offend them. Oh. They might be a bit uptight in the mail room. 70s, or one of those crudely drawn ones where it's like a woman in a... A naughty one? Yeah, a naughty... Well, no, you want to check, it might offend them. They might be a bit uptight in the mail room. No, it's alright, that stuff, that cheeky stuff.

They might be a bit sensitive about that type of thing because they've been mailed so many pooey bills. Yeah, I don't know. If you start... if that happens more than once, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if it was every single bill? Am I in the right job? What if it was every single bill? Every day.

You worked with it and every single person had used it to wipe their arse and send it back and every letter, the whole mailroom stunk of excrement. That'd be bad. I'd quit. Yeah. And I'd have a right to. Yes. I mean there would be a health hazard. I'm not here to open shitty letters.

You'd need a special Hazkem suit and all sorts of things. I'm not here to run my fingers through other men's muck. That's not my job. Why would it have to be other men? I came here for an honest job, to open the mail. Don't you think a woman, see you're having a weird bias, other men's muck. No I can tell the difference. Why are you obsessed with other men? I can tell the difference. Lady poo. Lady poo. Anyway I can tell the difference between man muck and lady muck and that's a skill I'm

willing to put to the test. Anyway we're moving on to the next segment of the show. the test. Anyway, we're moving on to the next segment of the show. And now it's time for Silverman's Platters. Brought to you by... Chicken McBiscuits. Please, please. McCog, do you want a biscuit? I've got a biscuit. Do you want a biscuit? I'm Chicken McBiscuits. No, no, no. McCog, sponsoring this segment of cheap show. This is at, we're ten years old, Paul. McGog sponsoring this segment of Cheap Show. This is out, we're ten years old, Paul. Sponsoring this segment of Cheap Show is Chicken McBiscuit.

We as a podcast are ten years old, right? Yeah. Now, what was one of the first character names you ever came up with? Pffft. Jimmy Biscuits. And that is how far you've moved as a creative brain. I'm just saying it, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry.

When you have to think of a word, you think of biscuits. It pisses me off. It's just a shame you didn't realise that it was actually a clever meta callback to that first character to celebrate 10 years of Cheap Show. And the fact that you can't see that says a lot about your dedication to this podcast. Oh dear.

Anyway, where was I? Blah, blah, blah. Silver Moon's Platters. I've got something I... Sponsored by Chicken McBiscuits. Thank you. There's some biscuits there. I was going to say, Silver Moon's...

Don't fucking sigh at me. Don't fucking sigh at me. Silver Moon's Platters, brought to you by... Chicken McBiscuits. No. Blah, blah, blah, blah, that's the deal, arse-side! Have you run out of biscuits to eat, Chicken with biscuits? Well, there's a fucking load of them over there! He's not going, mate.

Don't make this a battle between me and a fucking imaginary chicken! Oh, that's exactly what I'm doing! Brought to you by David Guatta! Silverman's Platters brought to you by David Guatta! Hello, I'm David Guatta, I'm a big DJ. Hello, it's the chicken part of my rider. Is it chicken? Do I get to, do I get to chicken?

I think this is a racist character. What do you mean it's a racist character? What do you mean the racist character? I'm pan-European, I like, I travel all around. And I do my house music sets. Very troubling around. And I do my house music sets. Very troubling content. And I do my house music sets. How absolutely troubling.

I'm David Guatta. Do I even leave this in the podcast? I'm David Guatta. It's so challenging and shocking material. I have a bigger hit, David Guatta. Big hits, big house hits. You hear my hits? Big dance music hits.

We're gonna get letters and I'm gonna have to defend Eli again with this creative protein. Where's the chicken then? What? Where's the chicken? I'm meant to be doing this bit with the chicken. What chicken?

It's called the chicken... The chicken... Are you alright Eli? What chicken? The chicken... I just want to get into the record. What's he called? The chicken wafer?

Something like that. What are you talking about? Chicken wafer! I dunno, one minute I'm doing this podcast and the record. What's he called? A chicken wafer? Something like that? What are you talking about? I don't know, one minute I'm doing this podcast and the next minute you're doing this weird racist stereotype demanding chickens. I don't know what are you talking about? This hasn't worked, has it mate? This hasn't worked for you today. With me. With me. You've struggled today, haven't you? I have not. I actually have not.

It's been a tough one for him today, ladies and gentlemen. He's got this troubled look in his eye, that is panic. It's hard. It's tough. Oh dear. David, I'm sorry that my co-host has been very rude and the chicken's in the other room but we need to get on with this now. What?

You talk about chicken. Don't gaslight me about Chicken McBiscuits. What a stupid name. I'm going to go in the other room. I'm a David Guatzer. I think you should leave. This is really room. I'm a David Guatta. Yeah, I think you should leave. This is really awkward. You've made this very awkward.

Excuse me, I'm a big-name DJ, okay? David Guatta. Hello. Goodbye. So can you please introduce the first track we're gonna look at today on Silverman's Platters, the bit of the show where Eli brings along some vinyl selections, right? That's right. Thank you, David. Yes. Don't just don't don't look back at him Just don't look at him. He's giving me that look though, poor don't look at him hungry hungry Yeah, that hungry hungry hippos. Look just don't look look at me eyes on me

Just look at me don't look at David Just look at me. All right... Stop looking at him. Stop it. The first record. The first record. Yeah. We're doing... what did we say we were going to start with? Oh yes. The last one that we listened to. We've got three and this is the first which was the last we just listened to. Now this is a record by a duo whose other record we covered before. Several years ago now. What was that one? It's something to do with making tea was the B side, right? The B side was just this guy getting up out of his alarm goes off.

Wasn't it something like don't call me a Wally or you're a Wally or sort of about being a Wally? It was comedic. But this is Helen April and John Dummer. Oh, that's on the B side, her name is first. Yeah. But on the A side, it's John Dummer and Helen April. Which makes more sense. So shall we listen to the first? The A side is a ditty they call, Own Up If You're Over 25. Are you really sure that you get your feet? Or was it bad footing and dancing in the street? Did you put green onions in the mounting pot? Were you really thankful for what you got?

When Jane Brown was a second machine And Aretha Franklin was the only queen Oh no, if you're over 25 Oh no Oh no Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, picture of a 25. Evening Haines, Penny Lane, Mojos, Gojos, I'm the Race, I'm the Face, Charlie Chan, Danger Man, Itchy Kook Car, Arthur Haynes, Donald Hobley.

What else was there? Buccaneers. Dr Kildare. The Goonshan. Highway Patrol. In a Santa. In a who? In a Santa. You know, a great big door opens at the end of a corridor.

Creeks open. Sounds horrid. It's frightening. Well who was that? Again, just remind us boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen of all ages. John Dummer and Helen April. Because yeah, we have covered them before. John Dummer was a very well respected drummer. Oh, he's a session musician, wasn't he? And he obviously had a side project with his, was he involved with Helen? Well this is a side project of a side project. In the late 70s he did a band that featured his wife, who's Helen April, is that right? Helen April is his wife.

Yeah. Called True Crime or True Love Confessions. And then this is a spin-off of that, just them looking about. Well they put out at least two singles, because we did that one before and this one. Yeah, so this is just another spin-off of that project. And it is a novelty record and the theme is things you remember if you're over 25. So you own up if you're over 25, if you remember all of these references that she's making. Providing in 1981 you were at that knowledge level.

Which is funny to me. And it's very much along the lines of something like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire, in that it's essentially a list of references, pop culture references, which makes it kind of ahead of its time. It was more of a novelty I guess then. I guess, but again, I don't know how well that would have charted if at all. You know, it just seems like it was a kind of sold it gigs kind of thing or independent record shops. It's interesting because it's on a label I've never seen before, which adds weight to that theory, Paul. It's on what it's on a label I've never seen before which adds weight to that

theory Paul. It's on what they call Red Shadow Records. Yeah, okay. I think we looked on Discogs and found out that the only thing they released was these few singles. Which makes it very much like something maybe they would distribute locally or at their gigs and stuff. I went to YouTube to look for this video and there was a few comments underneath it.

Daniel1971 said, my uncle ran Red Shadow Records. Oh, there you go. I met John and Helen at their house once, nice people. And then someone said, I've just discovered a relatively recent interview with John on the good life of france.com, possibly of interest. Oh, they moved to France maybe. I guess so.

And then above that, a guy called Robin Bibby Music says, I'm over 25 because I played lead guitar on this. Oh, I was going to say, the guitar is actually really good on this because what they do is when they reference musicians, the guitarist does a little lick from a song from that musician. They do it for Aretha Franklin and there's other places. And that's what sort of elevates it as a novelty record for me, Paul, is the level of musicianship. And they reference Ready Steady Go and you hear the actual harmonica

riff from the theme tune to that at the beginning as well. So it's like, it's quite clever, you know, and it's put together and it's done to the, it's the melody of the same structure as that song that we record Don't fade away. Isn't it basically that? And that's Bo Diddley, I believe. That whole rhythm thing comes from Bo Diddley. Just a quick thing, the guy who left that comment, Robin, said, and this is three years ago, said the writer of that song, Noel Brown, passed away three months ago. They had a memorial gig for him in 2022 and they want to try and sing this song, but there's quite a lot of lyrics to learn. There are's quite a lot of lyrics to learn.

There are, there's loads of lyrics. This, I tell you what, this is the comment that shocked me. Not because the comment is shocking, but just because, well, I'll read it and I'll I'll I'll unfair why I thought this was shocking. So someone goes, GunnaAK2913 says, I remember this from my teens, loved it. Mike Reed played it daily on his Radio One breakfast show, but it never caught on. Yeah, I can imagine Reed being into it. But didn't we tackle a Mike Reed song that was like a fake proto-punk thing, like a parody

stroke spoof thing that he did with a band? He did the Brexit Calypso thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, years later. I'm talking about in these 80s. There's something that's scratching the back of my head that says he's been in a fake punk ish Punk punk two-tone maybe spoof band. Okay, where he mocked it I finally you say that because the B side of this is very much a two-tone pastiche, isn't it? A scar revival pastiche these songs as well come from a thing called Beyond the Groove Which was an 80s compilation of bands that were on the fringes. So there's loads of fringe. I love this. I love this stuff. I have to say it's really obscure, forgotten history of kind of punk novelty. It's almost like do it yourself, novel comedy records. You

know what I mean? Because Helen is not a singer. It's very much an amateurish vocal, which was kind of the style, the punk kind of style at the time, you know? Well, it's like The Waitresses, it has that sing-song, spoken, detached... Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Not making an effort, even, sort of. But even more so, and she really can't sing, I'd say. No.

Proven by the B-side, which is called... Doggy, Woggy, Woggy. Just have a listen to this. Just have a listen to this. My doggy, my doggy, I'm upset, I've lost my pet. My doggy, my doggy, where's my doggy now? Well that outlasts its welcome very quickly indeed. This is the definition of, we've got to do a B side. Oh dog song about a dog. They reference as well there's a reference did you spot the music reference in there? No. Bow wow wow. Oh okay yeah. Which is a punk band made by Malcolm McLaren of

Sex Pistols fame but there's a reference to that on this and also if you think about it there's a reference to one of the most famous and seminal novelty records of all time, which is… Errr… How much is that doggy in the window? Oh, okay. Was that a novelty hit? I mean, it's a novelty song, isn't it? I never heard it sung in like, schools and things.

No, it's a big hit, just before rock and roll. That was like the top of the charts, just before rock and roll became a thing. Oh, that's a shocking, you know, the wave-crushing-on-the-sun kind of moment, eh? It is, it's always referenced as the sort of music that was popular just before Elvis hit on documentaries. But there's definitely, she's definitely referencing that as well, isn't she? The thing is- Basically the song is about the same thing. Well, she's lost her dog. It's not like how much is the dog. It's like the dog's lost.

What bugs me is how like obviously tossed off it sounds. Maybe they put a lot of effort in, but it sounds- The music isn't bad, but she's- No, but lyrically, conceptually it sounds tossed off. Both songs just have this feel of, this is a muckabout, this is just a fucking laugh. Yeah. Which is not a complaint. They are novelty or comedy songs, aren't they?

But you know how some novelty songs, like, think they're good, or think they're gonna make an impact and be the next Agadu or whatever, and then it's painfully not. Yeah, but this is sort of knows what it's doing, and it knows it's not very good, but it's sort of joyful with it in a way. Which is why I think it's acceptable, whereas, you know, what we'll get to in a bit later is the other end, which is like not acceptable. So that leads us very quickly to our binary scoring system. Yeah, is it a platter or a splatter? For me, it is a platter. Just a lot of interesting things. And I do like those musical

flourishes. It interests me exactly what you said, the fact that these are the references for people over 25 in 1981. But the other thing is demonstrates to me the kind of cultural shift in what is considered old, right? I think back then, if you were over 25, you were considered much older than you would consider someone who was over 25 now. This is the problem. I mean, I'm not going to get into the weeds of this because it's a big conversation, but effectively, it's the contraction of pop culture. So like, just as a very broad example, think of Disney, how even up until the late 80s, they were still like known for Snow White, Pinocchio, Dumbo, and they were leaning on those

legacies, especially in their theme parks for years. Then think about what happened in the mid 90s with the Renaissance and Aladdin and Hercules. Now, where they are now with Star Wars and Marvel. And like, you've got thousands of references now, Pixar, Disney classics, Renaissance. But then back then, like Disney was just like four films and a bunch of songs you want to hear from Mary Poppins. So those references as a result were more widespread over those demographics, where now every five years of generations of people born have thousands of pop culture references.

So my, our references, even my references to you are going to be different. Very, they do. That's what's come up over the years on the pod. But also, the more references, the more culture, it all seems to get greyed out and diluted and nothing seems to be as… It's smeared out, which is why if I go to someone on the street and say, do you know what a Tamagotchi is? They will, even though that thing came out in the late 90s, but it got remade and reproduced and then a retro version. You know what I mean? So like we are chewing it up. But would you agree with my point that I think in the 80s being over 25 was considered to be more over the hill and that's what they're referencing?

Possibly. Also the references of those generations would have been closer together anyway, because you know if someone said Morkham and Wise they were around for 20 years and you know it had those kind of… But Morkham and Wise would have been only five or six years before this. Yeah. 81. In terms of the heyday. And they talk about Ichikoo Park with small faces. Yeah. Late 60s is only 10 years ago which is equivalent to us being reminiscent about things like in like the 2011. No! Well yeah, well yeah. It's like us getting upset about... It's closer, that's what I'm saying, it's closer. Yeah, it's like us getting upset about- It's closer, that's what I'm saying, it's closer. Yeah, but it's like us getting upset about Arctic Monkeys or something. Yes.

It's that. Weird. Anyway, that's put our lives into explicit focus. No, those are both a platter from us, and it's- Oh yeah, I actually hadn't said. I just assumed. Yeah, when you assume. You make an ass of you and me.

Exactly. And so I'm gonna also give it a platter. Thank you, I knew you would. Right, let's go on to our next track, and that is what? Our next track Paul... Let's see if he remembers because I know what it is. Is Bullfrog Legs, the follow-up single of Chip Chip. Did you see that? Yeah, I actually literally spoke to you about a length about that off mic. No, I remember you mentioning Chip Chip but I didn't know it said it on the label. Yeah. Bullfrog Legs, Bobby set his cash and carry. Oh, baby, roll that tape.. .

. . . So So that led us down a little bit of a rabbit hole, a little, little, little rabbit hole, but still one you can get up to the elbow in. It's a moog instrumental and I would say a lackluster and almost cynical moog instrumental trying to capitalise on one of the noises that they found on their moog which sounds a bit like a frog. Well, what year was this again? Like the 70s, right?

73. 73. So, Cash and Carry is, strictly speaking, the name of the artist. However, Cash and Carry is a slight rebrand of the Bobby Setters band. And it says Bobby Setters, Cash and Carry. Yeah. It's a weird thing they decided to do for this particular bunch of tracks because Bobby Setter's band, for want of a better reference, is basically James Last of Germany or Belgian, I need to double check. No, James Last... Dutch.

Was German. Can't be the James Last of Germany. Good point. But okay, so luckily he's Dutch, so he is the Dutch James Last. Easy listening. It's easy listening essentially. A sort of band leader who puts out easy listening records. They were a dance orchestra from Flanders and they existed between 1962 and 2016. Wow. They usually had about 20 instruments, six musicians and two singers. Oh and there's a photo on the back of this single and I think this single was sent to us by a Cheap Show listener. So thank you, we did get round to it. Yeah, they're all good things.

And there are six, a band of six depicted on the back. The bass drum, which often has the band name, just says Bobby Setter on it. It doesn't say anything about Cash and Carry. And there is a lady holding a mic as if to sing when they're an instrumental group. So this is obviously taken from like some kind of engagement they did. And a ponton's in... It's so easy listening. I do not care for that track. Can I just say something very quickly? So they were formed at a Ghent conservatoire. I don't know where Ghent is, but I presume

it's like... It's Belgium as well, isn't it? And they became well known because they traveled on three European tours with Fat Domino in the 70s. Now, you were talking about Chuck Berry. Now in the 70s, all these original rock and roll guys would come to Britain and Europe. And because they had more fans, especially in places like France, you had more fans, they had more interest in their music than there would have been in America at the time. Right. If you see what I mean.

Yeah. And so there's that famous footage of Chuck Berry doing My Ding-a-ling, which was a hit in Britain. Yeah, huge hit in Britain. On British TV or whatever, you know, and I think this is similar. Like, because everyone loves The Twist or whatever, what did, is it Fats Domino or Chubby Chacker? I say it was Fats Domino. So they talked with him in the 70s and that's how they kind of made their name and then

off the back of that they would get engagements at like hotels or ballrooms and release albums of covers and medleys. Yeah, and we did listen to an earlier one, didn't we? Yeah. Which was quite a rocking sort of surf-style hard R&B. Quite good, wasn't it? Oh yeah, what was that one? I'm not going to put it in because I haven't got time. But yeah, they have variety. I'm just saying. And it's quite a competent arranger and bandleader, obviously.

But this is where we get to 1973. And they renamed themselves Cash and Carry for the occasion of a collaboration with a guy called Louis van Rij Mennand and they both worked together on To Tip To Chip by Swiss accordion Verner Thomas. Now this, to cut a very long story short, is the chicken song. No. Yes. The birdie song. Oh, the birdie song. Bollocks.

This, to get this straight... The biscuit song, is it Paul? Is the biscuit song. The birdie song. Everyone knows the birdie song. Probably one of the most famous instrumental novelty hits of all time. And they just do a version of that. And it's their biggest hit, right? To Chip To Chip. To Chip To Chip, which must mean... I will say this, every time I looked online for images of their album covers of all the

different things, nearly everyone had, from the million selling artists of To Chip To Chip and a little duck drawing. And I'm thinking thinking it's not their song though it's not like it's their masterpiece. It's one of those things though they're just doing a cover version and obviously the copyright was out or there's something weird about the copyright of that song because there's loads of bands have done it and it's like that song popcorn. The instrumental popcorn which was recorded by completely different people in different territories. It must be something like that, you know?

If I remember rightly, and what this article goes on to infer is that if you add enough to the song, you can call yourself a co-writer or co-producer, and therefore you can get some royalties, right? So that's why I think they do slight arrangements of it to get some money back. Now this is interesting. Bobby set a team up with this guy called Louis Van Rimmerman, Jam or whatever his name is, and he offered Bobby the opportunity to co-sign the recording contract as co-composer, but Bobby did not think the record was good enough and said, nah I'm not interested. However, it then went on to be a million seller. But perhaps Bobby,

it says he wasn't interested because he didn't think it was good enough, but perhaps we could read a little bit into that and perhaps he thought it's too plagiaristic. Do you see what I mean? Maybe, maybe. It's too much, too obviously I didn't write it because it's the Birdie song or whatever. Yeah, but he just settled for the payment for him and his musicians and the recording session and then missed out on the enormous amount of money made from later sales, which proved to be very lucrative. Fuck. And then yeah. You kicked yourself but perhaps he didn't. Perhaps he just thought yeah, you know, I've got my integrity. Do you see what I mean?

In 2012 Bobby quitter, Bobby quitter, Bobby Setter quit. But the band decided to continue for four more years without him. Wow. And then they all went well, let's call it a game. So he didn't pass. Is he still... Let's call it a day. Let's call it a game of days.

Yeah, let's call it a game of days. Is he still alive then, old Bobby Setter? Oh, I don't know. Let's see that a day. Let's call it a game of days. Let's call it a game of days. Let's, is he still alive then, old Bobby Setter? Oh, I don't know. Let's see that, please, because I... I think he might be, you know, because we saw that video of him, didn't we? Like it must have been an 80s video of him at a piano and everyone dancing around him.

He's a classic, easy listening character. It doesn't say anything about his living or dead status. Not even on Wikipedia. Wikipedia just talks about the band and said he quit in 2016. So I can't speak for his existence or not. Surely it will have at the top of the page, it has the bit born. Nope, does not have him as any part of that information. So there you go.

However, platter or splatter. We haven't mentioned the B side. Which for me is I bring this up because that is not not a platter the A side for me no it's a very again we're talking about things that sound knocked off it's almost like it was birds for chip chip yeah now let's do frogs come on think of another fucking animal that we can do a sound you know what I mean uh my uh my mood can do this reddit reddit doesn't do that it just goes oh no it goes yeah it's a bit like a frog, isn't it? For you a bit bleh bleh!

Call it bullfrog! Yeah, so bullfrog legs, it's, you know, it's very, very knocked off and lazy, but... The V side, oh Flip, you dropped the record. The Flip has a tune called Buena Muga, which is a pastiche of sort of Latin flamenco-ish stuff, with a moog and that's got a much better moog lick on it and it's just more enjoyable for a moog connoisseur. I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy

I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy The funny thing is, isn't it, is that it seemed that this particular album was all moog-based.

It lacks that orchestra band kind of vibe. Yeah, it's like there's drums on this and I guess there must be bass, but you could just... It feels like it's just a moog, basically. It's definitely not a lady in a shiny skirt... Holding a microphone. Singing. Or a saxophone. There's no saxophone on this, is there? Although maybe we're wrong. Maybe she does the voice of the frog.

Come on, love. Sing it. Sell it like a frog. I will give this a platter. And I'll tell you why. There's something charming about this whole genre. And this is a good example of it. Yes, I agree. And the cover is in a vibrant shade of blue.

And I love it. It's got a picture of a frog. It's a cheesy... Cold bulb blue with yellow writing and stuff. It's a beautiful piece of ephemera. Isn't it Paul? A bit of Obj dark. What are you gonna do then, platter or splatter? I'm gonna say... Just go with your heart, don't have to, you know... The A-side, are we allowed to give it on like you... If you want. I'm gonna say platter as well. Alright. I mean it does, it's got, it crosses the line for me. Right, now it's time for our third and final... Which is

definitely going to be a splatter everyone. Let's just get to the end and say this is going to be a dirty, great, big, probably blood-infused splatter. What is it, Eli? Go on. And for the last splatter today, Paul, we are going to be covering Benny's Theme by Paul Henry. I can see children playing and I hear all men saying that life goes on, and we must live it to the full.

They say, take no use in moping and dreaming and feeling sorry for yourself, because if you think like that you'll never get anywhere. But they haven't been through what I'm going through. I can't stop thinking of anyone but her. Where do I go? Where do I go from here? Only time will tell. I would like to know what the fuck Paul Henry thought was going through his head to come up with that. Money. Yeah, but...

Give me money. So for our international listeners and maybe people who are, I don't know, younger than 25, say, Benny was a character in a long running, notoriously wobbly soap opera called Crossroads about a... Oh, it's Crossroads. I always get them confused. No, no, Crossroads. Crosswodes was set in the forest and had little animals. It was very good. Oh, it's Crossroads. Yeah. I always get them confused. No, no. Crossroads. Cross-wodes was set in the forest

and had little animals. It was very good. I'm a Cross-wode. Anyway, Benny was a character on that sit... Sitcom. On that soap opera, it was set at a motel next to a, you know, a motorway. Right.

And it was kind of like, like, imagine like a Poundland Dallas, effectively. Okay. The wheelings and dealings, love, lives and affairs with the people who work at a motel. And Benny was the gardener or handyman who was, I mean, simple and idiot. Kind of like, who's that of Mice and Men? Lenny.

Lenny from Mice and Men. With a bit more agency than that character. He does stare. Simple. And was he unlucky in love? Because that seems to be the theme on this. It's like there's some character in The Soap, maybe, is it Miss Diane or something? I could have listened. It's unrequited, is it?

Either way, unrequited love. And apparently, I was reading this as well, in the show, I don't know what the circumstances are of him being written out of crossroads, but what happened was, during a Christmas episode, he went up to decorate a tree, and then that was the last he was in the show. And he didn't die in the show or anything. He just up the tree and then never came back. Just seems they went, right, you up the tree to fix the thing and cut. Right, that's you fired. That's you fuck off for Henry.

Well, he deserves it for making that fucking record, man. This is what I don't understand. Was his character that popular in British pop culture to warrant this? Because it's quite well produced, you know what I mean? In terms of like you can hear that violin and then it goes into the… and there's lots of instruments. Who's the… there's just some orchestra who did it. Simon May was the guy who wrote this and again, to cut a long story short there, he's mostly

known for his TV themes like EastEnders, El Dorado, Howard's Way. So perhaps it's his suction that gets it made. It's like, oh, Simon's going to do it. It's going to be a hit. Maybe, maybe. There's good people about this and there must have been some popularity to the character as well. We've talked about this a lot on the podcast where if you were of a certain status in like

entertainment stroke pop culture in the 80s, there was a very good chance you released a novelty single or a single you thought would be taken seriously to boost your career. This is 77. Yeah. So he would have been in the show for a few years by then. And like as someone said, and this is probably what they would say is before my time, is that if you were the stupid kid at school, you'd be called Benny.

You know, oh, he's a proper Benny. You probably got that a lot, I'd imagine, you know. I didn't. There's Benny over there. I wasn't a stupid kid, Paul. I didn't. There's Benny over there, Benny Silverman. I wasn't a stupid kid, Paul. It's not about what you think. You're just trying to insult me. It's not about what you think.

People didn't think I was stupid. That's why they called you Benny though, isn't it? They didn't call me Benny. They did. That is before... Shut up! You're such an abusive man. I'm not at all.

You are. You're very competitive. I'm not! You called me, you said I was called stupid in school. It's not that I'm stupid. I'm not. You're very competitive. You're such an abusive man! I'm not at all, I just... You are! You're very competitive. I'm not!

You called me, you said I was called stupid in school, it's not true! It's not my fault they called you Benny! They didn't call me Benny! That's because they didn't say it to your face, did they? Fuck off! Fuck yourself! Anyway, I'm going to read some from this article, there's a website called Left and To The Back, it's a blog website called Left and to the Back.

It's a blog for Rare, Vinyl and things like that. And he talks about this, you know, released on the Pi level, which is like a proper label, right, Pi? Well, it's not around today at all, but was huge. If you want to think of famous people who were on Pi, the Kinks. Oh, okay, right. The Kinks were on Pi. Right, fine. So they wanted to, someone, I don't know who, but someone wanted to capitalise on the success of Benny, so they came up with a sad sack spoken word ballad, you know, where he gets to kind of talk about his lot in life and his unrequited love. Now, that was a thing. It's a type of novelty record that isn't comedic. But it was a thing. The spoken word, sad story song, wasn't it?

Like MacArthur Park almost? Yeah, and we covered one... That's what this is! It's a knock-off MacArthur Park with Benny from fucking Crossroads. But do you know what I mean? There was a category of sort of serious novelty song. Yeah. Not a song, a spoken word, sort of... It's a men a tug of your heart strings sort of thing, isn't it? And it's also not too different from like things like was it Jeff Wayne's Lord of the

War of the world you what they call me Betty. Yeah, you fucking cunt mouth Benny Gannon Benny although I remember in school when you had an erection, you know, we used to call it a Benny bonon That's good. I like that. Oh, you got a Benny Bonon. So this was composed with a guy called Simon May. And yeah, it is what it is. It's kind of awful. And at the same time, I kind of like it. I don't like it. It's getting a splatter. I want that stated. Yeah, it outstays its welcome. It goes unforgivably, goes to that fasting, unforgivenly.

Hey, it's the unforgiven! Oh, I'm sorry about that, do I get your forgiveness? No! Oh no, he's throwing his scat at me! He will throw the scat at you! Yeah, if he's angry his scat at me. He will throw the scat at you. Yeah, if he's angry he becomes a scat. Put him in the room with the fucking chicken McBiscuits. I'm not gonna bother being here with me.

Hope David Guatta's getting on with them. Yeah, then they're all dead. No, but what would... But that's what I'm saying, it kind of starts the bad that goes into weird disco-esque epic... The uptempo bit. But then unforgivably... Unforgivably, yes. It goes back to the sad sack...

Sad sack shit. ...fucking shit. And it just repeats that twice and that's the whole structure. You know? It could have had more place... It could have gone more places, Paul, I'm saying. It didn't have the imagination to go... It was a cynical cashing to pluck on the heartstrings of the people who would watch that show and

go, oh, poor Ben. Benny, oh. But did it sell? Was it a hit? I do have that information in this article. I would suggest no. In this article, it did sell reasonable numbers. It got to the top 40 and it peaked at number 39, which is about a right I think, because it wasn't like it was Grandad, you know, with a, like, I've done to Clive Dunn or I Wish I Could Fly. I'm sure there's a similar record. Which I know is awful. It's more awful.

Isn't it? There is a similar record we've covered years ago, which is like about the French au pair or whatever. Do you remember that one? That was spoken. Oh, the OUI Papa thing. Yeah, OUI Papa. That reminds me.

Kind of semi-serious. That track cast a long shadow on us, Ooey Papa. That reminds me. Kind of semi-serious, you know. That track cast a long shadow on us originally way back when. That's awful. I wish I hadn't brought that up, actually. Yeah. Ooey Papa. I tell you what, do you want to know an interesting fact, which is in this? So I'm just going to read from the article.

It says, Paul Henry, who played Benny, who sang the song, and if you made that clear for me. The artist, yeah. The actor and the artist singing this. He hasn't said a lot about the single over the years, but given that both he and Jeff Lyn were in the same school year at Olderly Boy School in Shardend, its existence means that he joined his classmate in the charts. This is the kind of obscure fact pop quizzes should feature, but invariably don't.

But isn't that fucking funny that you mentioned Jeff Lyn in terms of the style of this? His War of the Worlds. Well no, Jeff Wayne isn't it? Oh sorry, Jeff Lyn's the ELO guy. Yeah, ELO. Sorry, everyone. But even that though, ELO had that sense of, you know, movements within songs. Mr. Blues Guy being the obvious example of that.

No, no, I mean he's brilliant. Some of that ELO stuff's brilliant in terms of the little bits. I'm not comparing in terms of quality, what I'm saying is it was of the style of the time to have songs that had movements in like orchestral pieces. Bohemian Rhapsody as another obvious example. The period, yes. So do you have any more thoughts to say on this? No, I didn't like it at all.

I didn't like it at all. We didn't listen to the B-side, it's just the instrumentation. Which probably may be better because you don't have this whiny fucking voice. You know what we should do? What? Use the B-side and do a version of this for like grumpy sessions or something

I'd love to do that Maybe we should later on down the line write some lyrics and then you could do a cover of this grumpy or another character Like who's the one who? Who's the character with the wife who can't leave the gun see you could do John Gunn's John Gunn's version Yeah, gunty's thing. He's complaining about his wife won't let him do food review. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There we go workshopping the show live everyone. Uh, splatter. No, it's a splatter for me.

It's a pooey splatter. Well, two out of three ain't bad. Uh, no. What was your favourite then? Buena Muga on the flip side of the bullfrog legs. Yeah. Chin. I like Benny's theme.

Duh duh duh duh duh duh. See you after this. Right, that's it. Show's over. All done for this week. We'll see you next Friday. And look, if you miss us, we're all over the place. But your one stop shop is thecheapshow.co.uk. That's where you can go to for episode guides.

Where you can go to the links for our YouTube channel, the podcast itself, social media platforms and links to the Cheap Show album! Yay! It's on pre-orders now! If we can get a hundred sold as quick as possible No can't you as quick as possible? Basically, yeah, so the quicker we can cross the 100 threshold the quicker we can get them to you So diggersfactory.com look for cheap show or on our socials or on our website look for the link for you to buy it. The album by the way

that if I mentioned it is £22 that's as cheap as I could get it without it being that. I have to say Paul in terms of new vinyl that's very good. And you're getting brand new stuff old stuff you're getting a lovely album. It's a lovely looking package. I can't wait to get my hands on mine and I'm sure you can't. We're gonna get test copies, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, if you bring them to the live show, we'll sign it. And if I end up buying a few, I might sell a few at the live show.

We'll see how it goes. Well, it all depends on if the numbers go. Okay. All right. What else? That's it, really. Oh, wait, I should mention this. Cheap Show's turning 10, the award-winning Cheap Show, right?

Oh, you know what I didn't say last week? The award, we won the award, but it really is the nature of the award. It was the listeners, wasn't it? You did say this last week, and I still think without us as an existence, we couldn't win an award for us. So therefore, we are great.

The Cheap Show, the award-winning Cheap Show, I have forgotten the point now, because you always fucking do this and interrupt me. Oh, come on. Oh, yeah. We're turning 10 and that date is the 13th of June of 2025 this year. Can I ask a question? Yeah.

How did you calculate that? The first episode went out... That was titled Cheap Show. On the 13th of June 2015. We used to do it fortnightly then or monthly for a bit then fortnightly so that's why there are longer gaps in that first 15 year. Anyway the point is is that we're going to do a live stream on YouTube probably about 8pm UK time on the 13th and anything goes live stream. We're barely going to plan it. The 13th did you say? Friday the 13th of June. Is it Friday the 13th? Friday the 13th of June

on YouTube, 8pm UK. Join us. We're going to have a big blow out. We're going to get some friends to come along. We're just going to have a laugh. Really, no big plots or gimmicks. Just come and hang out with us and celebrate Cheap Show turning 10. That's great. And also, if they wanted to support the show, Paul, is there an option to do that? Yeah, look, we are very thankful to our patrons for supporting Cheap Show. And it's a big reason why we won the award as well, frankly. So if you would like to join that number and get access to behind the scenes videos, early access to Cheap Shots, extra podcasts, extra videos,

Nightbusting. The magazine every now and then. Nightbusting. And yes, I keep, stop going on about it, like it's the magazine every now and then. And yes, I keep stop going on about it. Like it's the only thing we do. We also do a semi-irregular podcast called Nightbusting where we go on a night bus and go on a real time journey. The recent route was...

The N98 from Aerith to Trafalgar Square. And it is our longest episode to date. 89. It's the longest episode to date. It's the 89 everyone. Yeah, could have waited for me to tell the information before you could correct it yourself but that's fine. 89.

Anyway, look, we have to go. Could you stop having a go at me now please? We have to go because Eli has just let me down consistently. I've said I was sorry. I've reached my fill of it. I'm sorry, this can't go on. We shall have to have words after this recording session is over and you shall have to be very contrite to me. Well, at least I didn't smoke a huge bowl of cannabis in December.

Who, me? No, me. Fucking hell. Judging me, how dare you? Unbelievable. You're saying me! I was saying me! I want you to apologise for this next week. Oh, God, shut up. And on the cycle begins the cycle, the tour of apology. See you next week. Bye

Where do I go?