CheapShow - Ep 438: A Box Of Delights

Starting point is 00:00:00 Right, just as a starting point, what I really like before we start recording is when your co-host bends down, burps and blows that throat meat in my face and it just, you know, it's just not very nice is it? And he didn't apologise or did he attempt to cover his mouth when he burped? No, it was just, hey Tony Paul, innit? Anyway, that's the mood I'm in now. Right, so from a jovial and nice atmosphere, as soon as the buttons press, he's rubbing the golden lobe on his nutsack, everyone. Makes me happy. That's what he thinks

Starting point is 00:00:29 of you. It calms me down. It's not. It calms me down. It's their award. Yeah. He's actually doing it. It calms me down. When you wind me up, this calms me down. This calms me right down. Thank you, golden lobe award. Here they come, they're going to record a show. They get the funniest feeling when they tickle down below. Hey, hey, you're a cheap show and people say we're spunking around, but that's just us wanking off to get anybody down. We're just trying to make funnies these oh no come and hear us sing and play not what I want we're the not that young generation quite old in fact

Starting point is 00:01:11 exes and we've got something to say and it's about spunking and burping in faces well I think I had a bit more of the Joy De Veev that our listenership deserve then you get yeah he blew a black and purple in my face. Throat meat, throat meat was good. I like throat meat. But that's the only good thing you said. Well, at least there was some agreement on some reward and gold uttered

Starting point is 00:01:35 by these fair lips in your direction. Hey, hey, we're the spunkies. Could we just, I just want to- Just what? Just what, Paul? Just what? It's the cold fucking open. We've been here before What's going on with it? Nothing? There's no point to it

Starting point is 00:01:49 You hot out the gate what I suggest we'll take a moment of breath and we'll do a gentle intro. All right, let's do that Hey hello Welcome to cheap show the groovy economy comedy podcast. I'm Paul, Lunging Hips Ganon, and with me is... ...Whispering Eli Silverman. And we're going to bring you in about an hour or so of thrifting fun. So let's unwind, relax, and let the warming chimes of the Cheap Show theme wash over us as we welcome yet another episode into the world.

Starting point is 00:02:30 Ear, ear pull, ear, ear, ear pull. And does that golden lope? No, I mean it. So soft on the lope. I can't believe I'm doing this but I am rubbing it on my crotch. I'm doing it for me. Slower. Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:02:45 Cheap Show to the mother of all things. Welcome to Cheap Show to the mother of all things. Welcome to Cheap Show to the mother of all things. It's the price of shape. Cheap Show to the mother of all things. Welcome to Cheap Show. So Paul, what have we got coming up on the show today? Today I have a great, big, wide, firm box for you.

Starting point is 00:03:16 Why is it firm? It's cardboard, isn't it? It's wide, it's loose. No, it's wide and firm. You're mixing your fanny and dick metaphor there. You did, didn't you? Fanny and dick. You started with an asshole and you ended up with a dick Well, and that the story of my life

Starting point is 00:03:29 Ain't that the story of all Paul Ramblin Ganon. I've got a monkey's theme gave in my head So look, let's do a bit of a up his sleeves. Everyone getting into business. Here we go housework. Oh, ha great ass, right? I'm in the mood right. So hello. Welcome to chief show It's economy comedy podcast where Eli and I go through the bargain bins, charity shops of Great Britain and we bring you the treasure we find amongst the trash. All that treasure amongst the trash. And that's the format.

Starting point is 00:03:52 We look at cheap things, fun things. Oh, I'm not gonna get into it. All sorts of things. We're not getting into it here now. You're in, get comfy. Me and Eli are gonna take you on a wonderful oral journey for the next 60 minutes or so. I tried one of those oral journeys.

Starting point is 00:04:06 Battery got wet or something. Yeah, you've got to... Hey! I mean, mate... Oral journey! Imagine that! You get very kind of 80s-like entertainment when you do that, when you clap your hands and then point as if there's an imaginary audience there waiting to cheer back. Anyhow, I mean, you're no real different than different than I don't know Stu Francis when you do that you have that style

Starting point is 00:04:27 It's like did you like it? Ladies and gentlemen did you? That's me washboard. That's part of the charm is it of being a comic and part of how you sell a joke Paul You should learn some technique sometime. I don't need to sell a joke. I don't need to sell you do sometimes I don't need to sell jokes. Sometimes you undersell them to sell a joke. You do sometimes. I don't need to sell. You undersell your jokes. Sometimes you undersell them. That's my angle. I'm the undersell a joke man. That's it.

Starting point is 00:04:49 That's what I do. I was thinking the other day. Uh oh. Now watch this thing where you go... You bark off Mike. Sorry. Paul I'm not going to disassemble now but I was just thinking how, why do they call undertakers, undertakers?

Starting point is 00:05:07 Why are you laughing at that question? Is my fucking question. Is it because they take you under, they take you under the ground because you're dead. Is that what they're- I mean, we could look that up, but right now I'd rather do some important cheap show admin. Okay, and one more thought on that, okay? And then I'm doing the, after the admin, I'm doing a Tell Us From The Dancefloor. OK, and one more thought on that. OK, and then I'm doing it after the admin. I'm doing a Tell Us From The Dancefloor.

Starting point is 00:05:26 Yeah, yeah. It could be when you undertake something, you just do it. I've undertaken to, you know, have a wank. And it might be a job that no one else would want. So you would undertake it. Yeah, maybe. I wonder what it is. Well, I like to think it's under. I take you under the ground six foot down.

Starting point is 00:05:49 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ho ho ho! Oh ho ho! They call me the crazy undertaker! Ooh, here's my organ! It's in the back of the hearse! It's on a big elevated platform on the back of the hearse! Woo hoo hoo! The crazy undertaker! You've basically just become Ken Dodd after a stroke, haven't you? I like. I like! You don't. I like. You're all tickled sticks and fucking diddy men you are these days. That Kent Dodd after a stroke, don't half give me the all.

Starting point is 00:06:12 It's time for admin. So sorry, go ahead. Since last week, we have had a tremendous reaction to the Cheap Show album. We have sold a lot more than we expected. So that must mean there are a lot more of you out there ready to buy one. Thank you. Yeah, thank you very much. Sooner or later the production's going to kick off on that so hopefully everyone will

Starting point is 00:06:31 get it by episode 450. All I will say is all the information for the album is on our website, it'll be in the description for this episode and there's an advert for it on our YouTube channel. You can find the link if you want to pick up a cheap show vinyl produced by me and Noiseland featuring tracks from the show's last 10 years with a few wrap-around bits with me and Eli and a couple of exclusive tracks. And it is a wonderful keepsake. And I need to express this, when you buy it, when you receive it, then that's when you

Starting point is 00:06:57 get the download code. Either, but we haven't finalized, either the code will be on a physical piece of card, which is what I prefer, inside the LP yeah cuz that's like or it might be an email you get once you've bought it and then you register it and you get a code sort of that either way you will be able to get the digital version until you've actually got the physical so even if you haven't got a vinyl player you can still buy it then download the tracks and you have a lovely obdéjà of the obdéjà the front cover or the back cover and you could even take the disc out.

Starting point is 00:07:25 If you're not going to be playing the disc you could use the disc decoratively because it doesn't really matter if it gets a few scuffs on it then. We'll hang it on a wall maybe, you could do that. Also there have been people who have been getting in touch with me about the mini disc version. I've had far more people get in touch about that than I expected as well but the rule with that is once the vinyl's kind of out the door then I'm going to focus on the mini disc because that will come a lot later. But those who got in touch with me, yes, we can sort that out. I'll go to it. To summarize, Paul, we're overjoyed by how many people

Starting point is 00:07:51 have already pre-ordered the LP. Yeah. Fantastic. Paul, can I ask, our little skip bits, are they going to do little gaps in between those? So they considered tracks on the sort of master? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can't remember. They've got track numbers, the little skip bits as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't remember any tracks though right now. They've got track numbers and little skip bits as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can skip our talkie bits if you want.

Starting point is 00:08:09 Don't know why you'd want that. It's the glue that binds that beautiful record. Also, we keep forgetting to mention this, but we should mention it now. As of last week, if you want to come see us live at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, tickets are now available to the public. They've been available for Patreon for about a month, but if you're listening and you're not a Patreon supporter and you want to come and see us at the live show, you can. It's on October the 18th. Again, link in the description.

Starting point is 00:08:34 The Bedford? Yes, at the Bedford again. Same venue as last year. Three o'clock in the afternoon for 90 minutes. Again, details about tickets will be in the description of this podcast. Link on our website. We'll probably do a YouTube advert as well to get a few more eyes on it. But basically, yeah, come see me and Eli live as we celebrate 10 years of Cheap Show. It's going to be a kind of belated 10 year live celebration. And it looks like unless the world burns or they get a better offer, we're going to have two guests, Nick Hell and Rialina.

Starting point is 00:09:01 Are they both confirmed? They're confirmed, unless you know. I'm getting a bit nervous. They're a bit woo. But we've known Rialina. Are they both confirmed? They're confirmed, unless you know. I'm getting a bit nervous. They're a bit, woo. But we've known Rialina for a long while. I've known Nick since I first started doing stand-up comedy. Yeah, and I've known Nick since we started doing the sketch group, Rogue's Handbook. We had the show after or before his, didn't we, in that venue, the espionage or whatever. That's right, and that one year I was doing the thing with Mark Allen.

Starting point is 00:09:23 Universal Genius. Quake, Humble Quest for Universal Genius, and Hellm was our guest on that. And I was that one year I was doing the thing with Mark Allen. Universal genius. Quite a humble quest for universal genius. And Helm was our guest on that. We had a real laugh when he was one of the guests on that. And Helm loves doing the show, so it'll be nice to have him do something live. And we haven't got a plan for that yet, but it's still early days. I'll think of something. We've got to think of ways of...

Starting point is 00:09:38 He doesn't listen to the podcast. Nah, fuck him. He says he does, but I haven't challenged him on this. We need ways of reining the fuck in. Oh, I know how to do that. He'll just go Nick Helm stage work mode. Yeah, we'll Nick Helm stage work mode and just call everyone cunts all the time. We'll put a collar on him and electrocute him. It's our fucking show. He does what we say.

Starting point is 00:09:53 He fucking dances to our music, mate. I'm just bringing it up. I know, but it's our job to reign arrogance in. Ego in. That's what we do. We're the ego prodders. We're the ego undertakers, that's what we are. Don't start nicking my bits. It's not nicking your bits.

Starting point is 00:10:08 The insane undertaker is my bit and I'm gonna bring it back out here. It's just judgmental anyway, that's just judgmental. How fucking dare you? I'm the insane undertaker. So if you want the album. I like his voice. If you want the album or you want to come see us live, there are now links in the episode description for this episode and there will be links on our main page on the website thecheapshow.co.uk

Starting point is 00:10:29 and on social medias you'll find it. Right, Eli, quickly, Tales from the dance floor. Hello everyone Eli Silverman, as well as doing this podcast don't do not pre-suppose this is going to be tedious, yeah? You've got a real problem with pre-supposition my friend, okay? And I say my friend on condition. Precom. Yeah, oh. Anyway, hello everyone, Eli Silverman here. As well as making this fine award-winning podcast with Paul, I also work as a DJ, a club DJ everyone, and I had a busy weekend. I did three gigs this weekend. But one of them was at the discount suit company.

Starting point is 00:11:09 Am I okay to have a nap? Yeah. Wentworth Street. Don't start doing the snoring thing. Don't grin. Fucking shut. Yeah, I won't. I'm a silent sleeper. You are fucking not either. Paul, I want you to listen to this because I want to hear your opinion on it. Please, it's only another 10 seconds. My opinion will be the same opinion I've had for the past fucking 10 years. It's not one of those!

Starting point is 00:11:29 You'll be surprised. I promise you, you'll be surprised by this. This is not going where you think it's going. Okay, alright, go on. So, you were DJing where? At the Discount Suit Company. When? Wentworth Street.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Saturday night. Right. Got there very busy, just for a bit of context. Good. Which was nice. You're nice to see it busy. There was some kind of birthday party or something in, but. Got there very busy, just for a bit of context. Good. Which was nice. You're nice to see it busy. There was some kind of birthday party or something in, but it was nice and busy. But then it did get quieter.

Starting point is 00:11:51 So towards the end of the evening, there's one group of people dancing. Nice. And they were one generation above us, which makes them baby boomers. They were in their late 50s. Oh, the boom load. They were all in their late 50s at least. Boo. You're such a weird straddler, aren't you? What was your year of birth?

Starting point is 00:12:06 78. Okay you are your exer but you're even closer to being millennial. Millennia is 1980. Is it? Yeah. That's madness. So you're right almost almost a millennial. I'm a zennial.

Starting point is 00:12:16 Yeah exennial. Yeah. Look the theory that people born at different times... Blah blah blah tell us your story. ...have different personalities... Tell us your story. ...is it has to hold more weight than astrology doesn't it, tell us your story. I have different personalities. It has to hold more weight than astrology, doesn't it? Tell me your story. I'm going to blah

Starting point is 00:12:30 blah blah. Come on. You're such a thought terminating cliché. If a thought terminating cliché was a person, you'd be it. Let's agree to disagree. I'm a thought. It is what it is. What am I, a thought what? A thought Thor terminating cliche? No, I'm a Thor terminating undertaker. You can't just scoop that in. He's did a scoop sign. No, I'm not. Stop interrupting me then. We've got to wrap this up. Shut up. Right. So they're all but they're getting they're liking it. I can see these oldies are liking it basically. They're liking the music and play. They're good. One of them them comes over he's an old geezer glasses was he hot no don't stop it! You gotta give him an easy time! I fucking...

Starting point is 00:13:10 Go on! I fucking hell! And he goes a very good set mate he goes very good set Was Derek Jamieson was it? I'm just doing a voiceover. You didn't mean me! I'm just doing a voiceover you know. Alright I, okay, alright. No, I might be with us. And I was talking to my friends and we were trying to guess the year. Of what? Okay, that is the question in your head. The year. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:33 And we were thought like, seventy-two. And I'm like, what? Do you want to be specific? What year? Because there's been a few of them. So I'm like, well I play stuff from like the early seventies all the way up to about eighty-four and he's like, yeah, good, yeah, so I was right. I'm like, what the play stuff from like the early 70s all the way up to about 84 and he's like, yeah good, yeah, so I was right. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Starting point is 00:13:48 What do you mean the year? It's like what? Like a DJ in a place, they'll be playing one year? Choose from one year? Excuse me mate, can you play something from 1976? Could you do that for me please? I don't care what song, but if it's not 1976 there will be a problem. How strange though. I mean he was nice and everything and he was basically just saying well done, but it's weird like he was trying to have some knowledge about something.

Starting point is 00:14:12 But you get this a lot where people try to weirdly ingratiate themselves with you for no real purpose other than to make them feel like they've made a connection somehow tonight. But you understand that in people, you know. People want to see something they think is cool or whatever. Yeah. You know, it's enough. There was also this very attractive Brazilian couple. Oh, are we fucking? And they were just constantly filming me for the Instagrams. And then they would sit down and she was scrolling because she was sitting just sort of lower than me behind me. That's the way the layout is on the couch there. And she was just scrolling pictures of herself, selecting them, made some more pictures of herself,

Starting point is 00:14:46 made some more pictures, and they were really nice and everything. But it's just like, your whole fucking existence is just recording and posting. You're not living in a moment. They literally were. Because you're so detached from it to create a fake feeling of what you should actually-

Starting point is 00:14:59 So bizarre. A fake feeling of what you should actually be feeling if you just put the phone down. But they were really nice. Oh, it makes me sound old, but you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And then I played a tune that they really liked and they found it on Shazam.

Starting point is 00:15:12 She's like, I found it on Shazam. Yeah, everything. Everything. My logic's always been, for like the best part of a hundred years when photography was reasonably dis-new and kind of like a discriminatory thing in terms of if you had the money to get a good camera you could get good pictures. Yes. And people took pictures of like the world around them and the sites, the buildings and maybe communities and things. Yeah I still try to do that with my Instagram account. Since smartphones there's going to be a huge chunk of human existence where most photographs

Starting point is 00:15:38 are just our faces and the world's not there. Most images are just faces. Yeah. Anyway, I just thought I'd say that was funny about the year. 72. 72. I mean, was it? I think it was what? I mean, did you play any songs from 1972? Possibly. You know what, mate? I've just played too many 1972 tracks in a row. I might mix it up and jump to 84. You know what I mean? I might just do that.

Starting point is 00:16:00 You don't mind, do you? It was nice that they were nice. I guess. And you know what? You always tend to have a richly rewarding time when you're at a discount You don't mind do you? How bizarre. It was nice that they were nice. I guess. And you know what? You always tend to have a richly rewarding time when you're at a discounted food company, aren't you? Well, it sometimes can get really dull and empty and there's no windows. If it's busy, it's quite hard ergonomically.

Starting point is 00:16:16 But one thing I just want to say on the smartphones thing. Think about this. There's a lot of downsides, obviously. Socially. Coherence of whole society, stuff. Mental health things. Mental health.

Starting point is 00:16:28 But people are much safer with smartphones than they used to be, right? True. In terms of getting lost and also getting attacked and like, you know what? That doesn't sort of go on as much. Well done, because I honestly thought you said, yeah, but you know what? There's always Bellatro on it, isn't there? I was thinking of, you fucking talk about Bellatro one more time. I didn't bring it up and I also do not play it on my phone.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Good, because it's lethal. Yeah, I've got it on my Switch and that stays at home. That's where you're legally allowed to enjoy Bolartro. And I did enjoy a game this morning. Well, there you go. You're all caught up to date. Let's move on with the episode because we're obviously not reaching a bit where one of us laughs. So we need to move on. I don't know why you insist on that happening.

Starting point is 00:17:02 Because it's a nice moment. There you go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I know, but if you try and force it. You know what I'm saying? No one makes you laugh. What? Crazy Undertaker. No, actually, you know what? I'm just going to go press stop now. That's it.

Starting point is 00:17:12 Here I am! Woo! Didop! Box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box, box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box box Sorry, I'm speaking for you. Every now and then... What a fucking cunt you are, yes. Come on, open the box. You're an annoying bellend. Come on, bellend. We got a great big box sent to our PO box.

Starting point is 00:17:51 Look at the size of it! It is big, boy. It's a big box. It's a big boy box. It's about the size of a cat box, maybe. A bit bigger, a bit like a dog box. Something you could put a dog in. You could put a small dog in it, but I wouldn't want to go any larger than a sort of terrier.

Starting point is 00:18:05 Maybe an Alsatian. You could never get even an Alsatian's head in that box. Just push its head right down. Stop with the dog abuse! Push its head right down! He was doing like it was giving him a blowy! No, no, no, no, no, no. He was!

Starting point is 00:18:19 I was pushing it into the box and how fucking dare you? I love him the crazy undertaker. It's a box full of goodies, but here's the thing. There's no price of shite here. It's just a box for us to explore. Okay. Nice bit of wrapping there. Some brown wrapping paper and some bubble wrap as well.

Starting point is 00:18:37 He's taking a load out and here's- Have a look. Not yet. You can read the letter though. Yeah, there you go. It's only a little letter. Only a short letter. Only a little letter. Only a short letter. Only a little letter.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Hi Paul and Eli. Here are a few games, vinyls and tat. Sourced from the charity shops of Sheffield. Hope you enjoy, Joe. Thank you very much, Joe. Thank you very much, Joe. So we're just going to go through Joe's big box and pull out things that we hope will delight and amuse us.

Starting point is 00:19:02 And because I've been a little nosy boy, I know what's in it. So all the treats are for Eli. That's why I haven't told him until now. Oh. I mean, they're not all for you. I'm just saying you haven't been exposed to them. So they're all going to be...

Starting point is 00:19:12 It's a surprise to me, almost like I'm receiving them as a present. Yeah. The crazy undertaker is actually part of me now. Paul, when you're editing this in the future, just cut that bit out while you put the lights on and just cut back to it. Oh, Paul. Pass it over the little table like a fucking astra. Come on, why are you so angry?

Starting point is 00:19:33 Because you're self-obsessed and you lack talent. Oh, come on. We both know that's not true. I've got a lot of talent. No, I know. That's exactly the point I'm making. I know it's true, you don't. No, you don't think it's true, I don't. What I said is we both know that's not true what you said about me not having talent, so I stick with that. Yeah you're right, we both don't agree,

Starting point is 00:19:57 because I think you have no talent. But you're wrong, and inside you know you are. Can't get out of that, regal out of that one. You can't. I can. I can still have the opinion that I think you're talentless and I am and I'm gonna stick to that. Paul, if you thought I was talentless you would not be making 10 years worth of stuff with me. No. Would you? Why then? You've just admitted to everyone. Why? Because I make you look good. Is that why I'm here? I'm a... If you're just going to keep telling me what I'm going to tell to you, then go for it. Because you just... you hate yourself so much. Because you know it's a universal truth that you're going to parrot back to me in association with the fact that I will agree with you.

Starting point is 00:20:35 What are you talking about? Well if you don't know that mate, you can't be on the podcast. You haven't outsmarted me. Oh I have. Again. Again. You just talk nonsense and non-sequiturs and then that's how you outsmart people, is it? Is it? Exactly! Just repeat the question back! I don't know why you haven't replied to my question about whether you want to see what's inside this box or not.

Starting point is 00:20:51 I don't! Until you take back about me not having any talent. I didn't say you didn't have any talent. Oh, good. Oh, gaslighting again, are we? Are we? Are we? Are you? You're such a dick. I know.

Starting point is 00:21:02 You're dicking out. Oh, I want to see what's in the box please! Alright so, I'm gonna give you these items one at a time. But these are smaller items. Can we have some more light? This is how this all fucking started. Oh yeah, put the light on behind you then. Here's your first item, alright? Okay!

Starting point is 00:21:15 It is a toy car. Talk into the microphone please. Toy car. Yeah. It's a bus. Yeah. It's a little black bus. Oh I should have brought my glasses, I knew.

Starting point is 00:21:24 Oh you've not got your glasses on. I can't even find my little bloody magnifying glass. a bus yeah it's a little black bus I should have brought my glasses I knew oh you know got your glasses on I can't even find my little bloody magnifying your magnifying glass with the lights on would be very useful sometimes it's hard to hang on to the items like that even in a tidy room like this oh never mind. I don't know where the fucking is. I like this a lot. Yeah. I'm just trying to make out what the design on the side is. Do we have to look for you?

Starting point is 00:21:50 Because I do have my goggle peepers on. It says engineering and then it looks like it's a kind of design of an axle and a spring on the side of a bus. So it's kind of like, yeah, it's kind of showing you, oh, look, here's our bus axle suspension works kind of thing. Okay. But it does look like a bus, doesn't it? Yeah, bus doesn't it yeah yeah it's got nice skylights in blue plastic you can see you like that I like that all right next one very nice a lot of things to get through through this box right next one oh it's another car toy car yeah this one also using transparent blue plastic for the main

Starting point is 00:22:22 body of the car and it's got lovely golden flue pipes coming out either side. Is that what they're called? They're just exhausts aren't they? Ornamental exhausts coming out the side yeah and no exhaust on the back so it must all come out the side. Imagine if you didn't fart out your bum but you fart out on your armpits or something. Wouldn't that be funny as a conceit? If you farted out your butt holes? No, out your armpits. Instead of your bum hole, you went... That wouldn't be good for like dates and stuff,

Starting point is 00:22:52 because it's much closer to where the mouth and the nose are. Well, you couldn't do a hoedown, because everyone would be like... I hate my fucking... Your life, your stupid mouth. I shouldn't have suggested that. What was that hoedown music? That was much more like a can-can. I shouldn't have suggested that. What was that hoedown music? Duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.

Starting point is 00:23:08 That was much more like a can can. Oh you couldn't do a can can, could you? Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh this. This is one of those ideas I think. You should have not had, yes, because there's a lack of talent on some side of the table. Oh I never said I had talent. There's a misconception there. Really. Next car, because there's two more. Yeah, I prefer the first car to be Frank. Well you can call them anything you want. Oh this is quite interesting. This has got a very long snout like a gharial. If you've seen those type of crocodiles with the very long snout, it's a bit like that. I think they're called gharials. Is it a hot rod snow plow? It looks, it has a plow thing underneath. It looks like a tractor. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it has the same sort of fluted exhausts. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:02 Stylish. Like it a lot. What does it say the Cumbin underneath the bottom? This one has Hot Wheels, but I couldn't spot it on the other. This just says Burlesque. Burlesque. That must be the the the range, the series. Yeah, but it's like Burl, B-U-R-L, dash, Esque, TM. Yeah, it's definitely... Oh, Mattel says on there. Are Mattel Hot Wheels? No. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Either way. Anyway, because you look at the bottom of this, you can see clearly the Hot Wheels thing. Yes, easily. On the Snowplow one, I like that actually, because that's unusual enough to stand out. Nice, bold. Yeah, bold design.

Starting point is 00:24:36 And also kind of like Traffic Cone Orange look. That is a cool looking little toy, that. All right, last one. There you go. Here's the last of the cars. This is much more like a dune buggy. Yes, yes, yes, yes. With a cage sort of a roll cage. Yeah, whatever they call it. The driving seat. Driving seat. Yeah. It's only one could only get one person only one in there. And it's got a nice this nice little got a bit of weight to it. That one nice feel to it. I couldn't see it underneath. By the way, I tried to have a look. That says Thailand again. So perhaps it's the same one.

Starting point is 00:25:05 Maybe the same range yeah. So is that your favourite one then, the orange one? The Hot Wheels one is my favourite one. You know an ad came up when I was reading The Guardian today, this is how weird the world is right? I'm reading The Guardian, the ad banner comes up, Hot Wheels Live! Because it knows I'm into Hot Wheels, you know what I mean? But it's so incongruous for someone who would like an adult reading The Guardian.

Starting point is 00:25:23 Hot Wheels Live Paul! Would you go to see that? No, it's just like a car stunt show. That's not why I'm into Hot Wheels. No. I like the ones about food or sparing motors. Yeah, they're the fun ones. Yeah. But you're not interested in normal cars, are you? I do like ones with translucent plastic, has to be said as well.

Starting point is 00:25:38 I like that bus one. That might be my favourite. Actually, a few of these similar bus with transparent roofs that we can go with. Yeah, well it's got a happy home. Yeah. Anyway, look there's lots more box to go through. So let's go through more. The box. Put your hands out. Oh, we're doing it with. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:56 All right. This is interesting. This could be a spiritual successor to something Eli already holds near and dear. So put your, close your hands, close your eyes, close your hands and open your eyes. I'll give you this. Ready? Oh, it's a wanky hand. Is it another wanky hand? It's another wanky hand. Are you keeping this?

Starting point is 00:26:17 No, please take it. It is a Scooby Doo skeleton hand, a mummy hand, because it's got bits of bandage around the top of the hand. And that's where it says Scooby Doo in raised font, but the proper Scooby Doo font. Oh, it's wind up. Yeah. And I've wound it up, everyone. And the fingers move.

Starting point is 00:26:36 I love this so much. Can I show you something as well? It's got wheels. Yeah, see. It's like it crawls across the table with the fingers. That is so fucking excellent. Look at that. I mean, I love it.

Starting point is 00:26:44 Was that a Happy Meal toy? I would guarantee this is a Happy Meal toy. Hang on. It's like it crawls across the table with the fingers. That is so fucking excellent. Look at that. Was that a Happy Meal toy? I would guarantee this is a Happy Meal toy. Because it will have the McDonald's logo on it somewhere if it is. It says McDonald's on it. But it must be quite an old one to be fair. Well that wasn't the same set as we got the original claw. It wasn't in that set.

Starting point is 00:26:58 Look, there it goes. This is fantastic. You've got to post a video of it. It crawls along. Crawls along. With its fingers tippy tapping. It's like thing, isn't it? It's not only a spiritual successor, it can sit next to it.

Starting point is 00:27:09 And then it has two hands. And then maybe someone can send in a toy monkey head and then like a toy monkey tail. And then legs. And you can make a Frankenstein's mummy toy of a monkey. Why would it have to be a monkey? Monkey, you like monkeys, don't you?

Starting point is 00:27:21 Here they come. Walking down the street. What are those monkeys I always see on your phone? Where it's like there's a weird website and you have like... shut up here we go. Monkey pegging or something again. It's monkey porn. It's fucking monkey vag. Is it? Yeah it's monkey vag dot com for perverts dot com. Oh. Total perverts who watch monkey cunt. Is it what about that other one? Fish fish fanny fish on the lips fanny Dot-com what's that? What's that one? Give it a handjob.com. What about that one? It's like the best you can do Is that the best monkey wanky? I can think of chapped chimps.com. How about that? Dry skin chips you defile or you like to watch defile i don't know orangutanswag.org

Starting point is 00:28:08 oh fuck off give me something more out of the box i'm sick of you all right i just i just i thought i'm just trying to think of more those monkey websites that you go to i can't think of one wank monkey pun really no what kind of monkeys are there like there's uh lemurs no i can't think of anything anything monkeys spider Well, there is spider chimps. Jim we've been oboes. Oh, no, but no bows got my oboe Finally enough they are the most highly sexed of the Yeah, they're the ones who sort of we've got gone over this but they're the ones who are like, hello instead of going Hello, how are you? They go?

Starting point is 00:28:52 Talking with the sex don't they yeah, it was good time that right next one Because we got more I'll break this up I got here we go sound effect Well look at all these records seven inches he has a little stack of seven We have a little stack of I am going to give them to Eli, but I just want to get one or two out of the way. Pat and Mick, Let's All Chant, we've covered that on the podcast before, Pat Sharp and his then co DJ friend, Mick something or other. They made a bunch of songs in the late 80s. Where's Mick now? I think he's still presenting radio somewhere.

Starting point is 00:29:20 Honestly, yeah, so is Pat Sharp, to be fair. So, yeah, they had that big hit, didn't they? What did Never Stop Dancing? Yeah. Let's Stop, Let's All Chant. That was the hit, I think. No, the other one was. I haven't stopped. Yeah, but the other one was. Doesn't it go, ooh-weh-ooh-weh? Yeah. That's the only one I'm aware of. No, there's the other one. I haven't stopped dancing, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:36 Na-na-na-na-na-na. Since we met on the first date. I haven't stopped loving you, yeah. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. It's alright, yeah they did that one anyway. So that's that one. They actually wrote and recorded that one. Wasn't that a cover version? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:52 It was a cover. So that's a cover though isn't it? Let's all chant. Anyway, it's that. I want to see, I want to see who wrote it. It was a charity song as well for the Children's Charity for Capital Radio. It was not a charity song, it was a charity song. Charity song, me.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Yeah, it really was. Right, do a lot for charity, a charity song. Charity song, mate. Yeah, it really was. Right, do a lot for charity. Don't have to talk about it, mate. It's Stock Aiken and Wartman, isn't it? Is it not? Can you just, because you've got your glasses on, see who wrote this song. It says, Zegar and Fields, a Stock Aiken and Wartman production, mixed by Mark McGuire and Yo-Yo, mixed by mix master Pete Hammond. Yeah. Uh, this one I'm just going to talk quickly about because we've talked about

Starting point is 00:30:28 these before, but you know, I love a record and a book and tape kind of thing. You know, Rainbow back in the day in the UK, I've got quite a few of the Disney ones where it's like a Disney story and a LP with it. This is one, 101 Dalmatians. Seven inch, not an LP. They did LPs and sevens. Yeah. But I'm talking about the story books and records one.

Starting point is 00:30:45 So this is 101 Dalmatians where side A is the story as written in the book and side B is a recording of Cruella de Vil and the main theme from the film. Lovely thing. So that's going to go to my collection that has like Winnie the Pooh and oh God, it looks like loads of Disney ones. Snow White I think I've got there as well. Your It's a Small World record. Yes, isn't it? I got your picture disc, Small World. Isn't this a very significant film in the history of the Disney studio? Because it was the last of their first golden age or something

Starting point is 00:31:17 like that. No, the golden age was well over by this point. The reason why Haunted One Dalmatians is reasonably significant is because they developed a new style of animation that made it easier and quicker to do. I can't remember what that process was, but effectively it's like stenciling, I guess, or tracing and then it's probably a lot. And had a look which was much flatter and more like sort of Hannah Barbera cartoons on TV, didn't it? Well, there was a lot of deficiencies with that style of animation, but they lent into it, and they led into that to make that design quite unique for Disney films. Anyway, with all that being said. But it was a hit, wasn't it? It was a big hit for them still. 101 Dalmatians.

Starting point is 00:31:50 Yeah, it was their first big hit really, that after struggling for a few years. Disney always has this. Disney's always had these massive highs and lows. 101 Dalmatians was kind of like a bit of a high for them in the late 60s after struggling. If I remember rightly, the film before that, and I might be wrong on this, but certainly a film before that, no, before this was, no, I was just going to have to came after it because it's used the same animation technique. It was like, I think it was like Sleeping Beauty, and it didn't do particularly well at the box office, but it looks amazing.

Starting point is 00:32:15 Anyway, with that being said, you can have a look at these three now separately. There's another three sevens here. Oh, I've got this. Have you? Dan Eye, Roller Brackets On It, Close Brackets Boogie. Yeah, I listened to this. Have ya? Dan.I. Roller brackets on it. Close brackets boogie. Yeah, I listened to it. I thought it was alright.

Starting point is 00:32:29 Yeah, it's not quite there. It's not quite there, but it's fine. Monkey Chop, is that like a Kung Fu thing on the other side? I can play it for you. Please. Yeah, let me stick it on. Jump! Walk the talk! Jump! Baby!

Starting point is 00:32:52 Walk the talk! I'll never make you sad, I'll always make you glad. Stop you feeling bad, just hang around. I jump my belly full My baby she's so cool She wants to sing with wolves That's all I believe Right, Eli and I just listened to that and I probably cut it in a little bit as well. It's not very good.

Starting point is 00:33:37 Go monkey, go chop banana, whatever it is. Roller boogie, it's trying to, it's almost a- What was the name of the band again? Oh, fucking that's good. Dan I. Do you know what I don't get? It's like, in that track, all the hooks are there, right? All the typical disco hooks are there.

Starting point is 00:33:51 Yeah. But they just don't convalesce. No, it's the recording's poor as well. The production is poor. Did you hear? All the voices sound all submerged. To be fair though... It just hasn't got that funk.

Starting point is 00:34:03 That speaker over there isn't great, so that might be a problem with the sound system rather than the record or the mixing. But, Danai was a British disco musician. Signed to Ireland Records had a hit in the UK in 1979 called Monkey Chop. Oh, Monkey Chop's the A side? Yeah, which later climbed to 11 at the top of the pops in Sweden. And it did better in Italy and New Zealand. He originated from Jamaica, but he didn't have any further charts at SES. He remains listed as a one-hit wonder, although he continued to release albums as a solo artist under independent labels. Most notably the LA-based gospel reggae band Unity in the 80s.

Starting point is 00:34:40 Oh, I've heard of them. Yeah. So there you go, that's him. But you see what I mean? All the hooks are there, but they just don't seem to work. It's not quite there for me. It's not funky enough. It's not funky enough. Yeah. Next. Next we have a free exclusive Bad Manners single on a FlexiDisc. And it says here, a track from the new Bad Manners LP entitled, Gosh, It's Bad Manners,

Starting point is 00:35:01 to be released on 9th of October, 1981. This is free with the record mirror. What was record mirror? Wasn't it just like the old it was like an NME I don't know if it's made by the Mirror newspaper group. A weekly music mag. But was it like by the Mirror newspaper group or just had to be called that? Yeah, either way Bad Manners we have covered before. Bad Manners is the one with Big Up Fatty with the huge lead singer. Yeah And they did Scar. He's called Horrible Bollock or something like that. Yes, I'm sure his name is called Horrible Bollock. It is something like that. Like I've stuffed my face and I've got a bigan or something.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Not I've a bigan. It's like I've a bigan. It's like wank off your machine. You know what? You need to fucking stop and just let me actually tell you what the answer is. They are a English two-tone and scar band led by front man, Buster Blood Vessel. I told you! Okay? Did I not fucking say? You would have told me if you'd got it correctly. Instead you just said Busty Bollocks and stuff like that over and over. I said it's something like that.

Starting point is 00:35:54 It doesn't matter does it? Indeed it is. But don't say, oh I told you. You fucking didn't! I told you it was something like that and it turned out to be something like that. Yeah but I think you overestimate your contributions to things. Erm, what was his real name? Douglas Stephen Trendle. Oh, I can see why you changed it. Trendle?

Starting point is 00:36:08 He took his name, his stage name, from the bus conductor played by Ivor Cutler in the Beatles film, Magical Mystery Tour. Ah. So there you go. Years active, 1976 to present. Er, I honestly thought he was dead. No, he's still going. No fair play to him.

Starting point is 00:36:22 Next one. The last one is, Keep fit with Andrews and give yourself a sparkle. Obviously some kind of promo. And on the back it says, here is your Andrews keep fit record. We've produced this record to help you keep yourselves and your family fit and healthy. Just do the exercises regularly each day to keep in trim. And don't forget to take your glass of Andrews when you need it in the morning. Oh dear, it's fucking laxative. Soon you're going to have that Andrews sparkle.

Starting point is 00:36:52 How to do the exercises? No, it's salts, isn't it? It's like Alka-Seltzer. Yeah, it's sort of... Pepto-Bismol. Integestion, excess acids, symptoms of over-indulgence, upset stomach, constipation. Have you listened to this? Yes. It's also interesting in that it comes from the 70s I think. What's the name of the guy talking on it? It tells you on it who the guy speaking is. He's a DJ with

Starting point is 00:37:14 a very strange name like Bat Lord something or other. Does not say on the cover. It does because I remember looking at it. Oh yes. What's his name? Sorry. How to do the exercises. There are four simple exercises on the record, especially designed to keep you in trim if you do them regularly. Take care. Not to strain too much though. Oh dear. After the introductory music, that well-known

Starting point is 00:37:35 radio personality, Emperor Roscoe. Emperor Roscoe, yeah that's it. Well known to anyone. The thing is, he actually was back in the day, quite a well known DJ. He was an American guy who came over to the UK because he thought the radio industry was booming better out there. Joined Caroline, ended up on Radio 1, ended up on... Not out there over here you mean? Over here, yeah, I guess. Sorry, yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:00 So he moved from America, LA to Britain to make his name in the... Radio industry....B burgeoning radio industry, commercial radio industry. And yeah, his real name is Michael Joseph Pasternak. He's still going today. He was known for his shows on Radio Caroline, which was the pirate one on the water in international waters. He also worked on Radio One in the 60s and early 70s.

Starting point is 00:38:22 So you know, he's been around, he's still going as well. I mean, like most DJs, he's on like a digital, I think he's on Boom Radio now, which is like a radio station for boomers. It's that kind of thing. Yeah. He's in a few films as well. And apparently he was the inspiration for the character of Philip Steval Hoffman for Count in the 2009 Richard Curtis movie, The Boat That Rocks, which is absolutely one of the worst fucking things I ever sat through. And his name, kind of, basically he made up the name because he was listening to a guy named Roscoe, who used to listen to a guy called Boscoe and the double syllable names ending in O with synonyms with rhythm and rhyme, which is, he said, a precursor

Starting point is 00:38:58 to rap. And he also used to listen to things like Tom Donoghue and The Wolf Man. He took a bit of everything and called himself Emperor Roscoe to distinguish himself from other DJs. I like that. I like that nomica. Nomina, nomina, uh, monica. Nomlica. The word of... Nomlica.

Starting point is 00:39:14 Stop saying that. I'm a nomlica. I'm a nomlica. Nomlica. I'm a nomlica. Nomlica. What is that word? I can't stop saying nomlica.

Starting point is 00:39:21 Nomenclature is the word you're trying to find. But I wasn't trying to say nomenclature, which means name in culture or system. Yeah. I was trying to say moniker, meaning name. Moniker. Well, moniker is a name, isn't it? Yeah, but a moniker would be part of a nomenclature.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Yeah, it would be. Not the other way around. Moniker's not a mon-le-cure. Mon-le-mon-le-cure-cure-cure-cure-cure-cure. Shut up. Right, do you want to listen to it a little bit? No, all I want to say is... Do you want to listen to it a little bit?

Starting point is 00:39:41 Yeah. I think it's a cool name and I like that moniker. That's what I was trying to say is, I think it's a cool name and Iouche Now you have that f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f- like you should and then we're gonna look good so keep your ears tuned in because we got a whole lot of exercises specially worked out to do just that tone you up firm you up make you feel terrific all over so here we go to make you all feel great get ready one two three music maestro okay gang here's an exercise to loosen up those tum-tum muscles and keep your shoulders and arms trim slim know what I mean? Get ready. Stand with your feet together, with both arms stretched high above your head.

Starting point is 00:40:51 Go on. Stretch, stretch. Right. Keeping your arms stretched, bend sideways from the waist to the right, to the left, to the right, and to the left, right and left again, and face the front, okay? Now drop your arms to chest level with your fingertips nearly touching, with your elbows level with your hands. Now turn your whole body to the right and push. Come on, push!

Starting point is 00:41:24 Now turn to the left and do it again. Push! And to the right again. Push! And to the left. Go on, push! And to the right. And left. And stand up and relax. Right now, little mama, if you can do that every day, stretching further and pushing harder, you'll soon be really groovy. You know what I mean? 36, 22, 36? Right, so you just hear what we were listening to just then. And can I just say this as well?

Starting point is 00:41:51 I love how the brand is Andrews and the song is like, Come on everybody, let's a p-p-p-party with Andrews. F-F-F-Fest fucking tits off where's the Andrews where's the Andrews hangover cure yeah yeah those are quite effective hangover cures and you know what also works Dilarite which is the um diarrhea medication that comes in a sachet like that now just remember to do these exercises regularly every morning and give yourself a sparkle. His voice is that particular thing. You can really hear the transatlantic. You can hear he's speaking some of the words almost doing an English accent.

Starting point is 00:42:35 Very very much so. Isn't that weird? It still has that American affectation. It's almost like a Brit doing an American accent. That's what threw me. He sounds more British than American on that thing. But he's also got that American DJ twang. Yeah. That unnecessarily upbeat, positive, kind of come on everyone vibe. But I actually do like that tune that goes with it. It's not bad. It's got very much a sort of southern white gospel vibe. Yeah. Like hippies, you know, like I I'd like to teach the world to sing sort of vibe, you know. With a bit more pop and fizz. Yeah, with the FFFFFF, FFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS and FFFFS So I imagine with this you sent off for this maybe, you know, you were through three huge tubs of Andrews because you just have the most awful social life in pubs.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Funny thing about that as well is they've got this little tab, the little opening on the side of the sleeve so you can get your thumb on the side of the disc and take it out more easily. That's not needed. It's not needed, but also it's not something that like a lot of the record sleeves did really, did they? Why though? Why do you think they went with that? It's so weird. Here's the thing. No, I like that. Of all the records, I think that's the most interesting to me. Yeah. I might use that on the radio.

Starting point is 00:43:52 All right, if you want. I have a show on Soho Radio every two weeks from 2 to 4 on a Sunday. The House of Pickle sound show on Soho Radio. You can have any of them. More than welcome to. All I want to say is I think because of the way this was made, this was probably like an independent production somewhere in fucking Birmingham, where it's like you get this kind of record and it will come with this sleeve, that sleeve or that kind of sleeve. Do you want this sleeve with the little thumb on? Oh yeah, let's have the little thumb sleeve one.

Starting point is 00:44:13 Yeah, but it's sort of a non-music style sleeve is all I'm saying. It's sort of... It infers more of a kind of birthday card vibe to it. Yeah, and more of a sort of throw away item as well, almost. Anyway. You'll see what I mean because you're going to take a photo of that. I will. There's a little tab, what is it? Anyway.

Starting point is 00:44:33 We're making a very big deal out of a fucking pit of cut out paper. I like to look at the little details on the items that we cover on the show, Paul. Okay? And that's one of them. I just thought it was going to be about getting fit with Julie Andrews. I thought it might be Julie Andrews as well. I think Julie Andrews has done a Keep Fit record. I don't know. I know she has. I know she has, in fact.

Starting point is 00:44:53 Well, let's find that out, because I like proving Eli wrong. Hang on. He's pretending to do a search. No, I'm doing it. Julie Andrews. Do a Keep Fit record. Keep Fit. Let's have a little look. No, talks about how she likes to keep fit in her old age, but she has never released a Keep Fit album. Once again he likes. I don't believe that. Once a fo- oh sorry, you're just going against the research I've done. I'll do my own research. By all means do. I think she did and I think she's definitely covering it up. Big Andrews is covering it up. Big Andrews yeah it's a big conspiracy. Paul! What? You've got nothing. Yes I do. No don't stop the segment please. We're gonna move on. Please don't stop the segment. I just mean this segment.

Starting point is 00:45:40 Oh that's right one question. One question. Is Andrews available anymore? It's not. I've never seen it. Yes it is. I looked online and it was like you can still buy it on Amazon. Oh, you looked online did you? Just like you looked online for a the Keep Fit record that I know for a fact exists. Whilst I would never sit here and say 100% of the stuff you see on the internet should be taken as read and also do some research and do some open reading. I've never seen no Andrews. I've seen Andrews in the past. I want some. I could do some now.

Starting point is 00:46:02 You could do me some. You could live off it. You should just have like a kind of like drinks dispenser at the side where with a little like box full of Andrews you can just puff into a cup and then under the drinks dispenser and I'd like that. Yeah. Actually now would I. Now that I've described it I really was. I'm thirsty. Yeah I am thirsty. Do you want to take a little break for a drink? I just want a drink of water. Yeah yeah let's have a little 10 minute break. All right fine. All right because I'm really thirsty. Do you want to take a little break for a drink? I'm quite thirsty. I just want a jug of water, yeah. Yeah, let's have a little ten minute break. Alright, fine. Alright, because I'm a bit caught on mouth Joe right now.

Starting point is 00:46:29 Right, we've had a little break and we're refreshed now, aren't we? Yee hee! We listened to some pulp songs, which we both like, the new ones. We talked about Paul Gambaccini and his co-owned shop with Jonathan Ross. They're all the things you miss now. Top 10 comics it was called. Yeah, in St. Anne's Square in Soho. There you go, that's all the stuff we talked about that you won't get to hear.

Starting point is 00:46:54 Woohoo! Because sometimes me and Eli like a personal life where you're not invited. It's our secret conversation. Why are you doing Michael Jackson T. He's why why are you doing this weird thing now where you just like laugh like a laughing policeman doll I guess you put ten pence in you anyway we're gonna go back into the box I just say in all seriousness I just want to say I just want to show you anymore I'm putting my hand on the box hand coming coming down. My hand on top of the whole hand. You want to touch me? You can. In very limited, oh clammy, sweaty. That's not sweaty. You haven't got nice soft

Starting point is 00:47:31 palms. I do. How dare you? Listen, you just called me no talent and I'm not allowed to say your palms are a bit rough. First of all, I didn't say that just now. I said it about half an hour ago for a start, so let's get that out of the way. Shut up! And second of all, I only inferred it, it's what you picked up on. You said it directly to me. That's for how I decided to remember it. Paul? Go on. All right, all I wanted to say though, in a spirit of encouragement and enjoyment, I'm

Starting point is 00:47:55 ready to knock this, rest of the podcast, out of the park. I thought you were going to say off, knock this podcast off. No, not knock it off, knock it out of the park and give it some gusto. Get in the box, my son. Right, here we go. Get in the box, my son. It's time for some books. We'll do it a bit at a time.

Starting point is 00:48:12 It's a pamphlet style book, he's handing it to me now. It looks like it's got some... Over 60 million books sold. Looks like some African children on the back cover. Well, what do you think that means then? It's a comic relief. It's a comic relief book. Go on, have a look.

Starting point is 00:48:22 I was going to say we like Live Aid. Oh, it could have been Live Aid. But then I actually saw Comic Relief. Comic Relief is a UK charity where comedians get together, put on a telethon and raise money for charities. However, these days it's any old fucker on the BBC who just has a show or presents gardening

Starting point is 00:48:36 who wants to think they're funny for an evening and then performs some really maudlin sketches that are way below the par quality necessary to call a show Comic Relief. And they're mostly dedicated to time to guilt tripping you into giving you money without actually entertaining you along the way. Giving you the charity's money, yes. Which is all good, don't get me wrong.

Starting point is 00:48:52 But sometimes it's kind of hard to go from fucking James Corden to a starving child somewhere in the world. And just tonally that makes me sick. What about this? It hasn't been good for 20 years, comic relief. You catch a Corden, gut him, fucking great big spit for him, roast him. Nom nom nom. I don't think that's a good idea to like... You know what a roasted James Corden would

Starting point is 00:49:15 be called? Cordon Bleu. There you go, were you like a joke? There you go, there's a joke. Nom nom nom. Sorry, I, yeah. Right. Sorry, I'm sorry. I think he'd be quite greasy as a meat. I don't know why. He'd be a greasy meat. He would. I wouldn't touch it. Try and serve me Corden.

Starting point is 00:49:35 Oh dear, chassoving children. The helicopter dropping in a massive spit-roasted James Corden. Now, now I'm visionizing that. Come on everybody, forks and knives out, we'll be eating for years. Clatter, clatter, clatter, clatter. The Corden has landed. Alright, alright, he's landed. The roasted Corden has landed.

Starting point is 00:49:52 The Corden has landed. Alright everyone, we have a lot. Sounds like a fucking spy jargon. Sit in a park, the Corden has landed. Yes, they will eat for weeks. Oh yeah, can't believe that. I have a comment on this book, sorry. The question I had for you Paul, is Red Nose Day.

Starting point is 00:50:00 Same thing. Was it a separate book? Yes, they will eat for weeks. Oh yeah, Comic Relief Book. I did a comment on this book, sorry. The question I had for you, Paul, is Red Nose Day. Same thing. Was it a separate charity? No, it was the same thing. So Comic Relief's day was Red Nose Day.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Yeah, it was the informal name for Comic Relief. Right. The charity is Comic Relief. The show became informally known as, or the day was Red Nose Day. Which we spoofed in our Red Knob Day episode from a few years ago. That's a good episode. episode from a few years ago. That's a good episode. It's a great acclaim.

Starting point is 00:50:27 Yeah, so. I'm angry again. I'm going, here we go, feeling better. He's rubbing the award that we won because of you onto his, the underside. You can say bollocks. You can say bollocks. The underside of his scrotal sack. My grundle.

Starting point is 00:50:40 Through the grundle he wears and up through the... Golden lobe on me grundle pops. Actually stop doing it because it's actually doing my head in please. I'm gonna rub the gold right off that if I'm not careful. Glenn Baxter, not Glenn Baxter, is it Glenn Baxter? I don't know who Glenn Baxter is. He used to have his books as a kid and he would have these sort of weird formal postcard style and it was very much absurdist. Can you go back and just explain what kind of book it is you're reading because it is

Starting point is 00:51:04 a book to help raise charity for content relief so it's a book full of, I'd imagine, comedy scenarios on the written form. And it's funny because all the Monty Python books came in this format, didn't they? It's sort of a comag, like a slightly thicker comic. Yeah. Paperback, but with, you know, the type. A book magazine hybrid. Book magazine hybrid, which was very big at the time, and especially for humorous books, you know what I mean? Like how to be a bastard was on this. All the Monty Python, as I said, and everything was on this. So it has a sort of humor book format is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Of the time. And what you can find inside calm down. You look fucking hyper. What you can find inside everyone. I know.

Starting point is 00:51:43 But it's like you look manic. You're looking manic. I like. And it's putting me on edge. Whatever. Get the lobe. Lobe the lobe. Loob the lobe. Loob that lobe up. Sorry I laughed. I can't imagine how. It's really tiring. It kind of shows that you're more you're amusing yourself to death. I know. I know. You're like that man in Mary Poppins who won't stop laughing and then lives on the ceiling. He lives on the ceiling though. I love to death. I know. I know. You're like that man in Mary Poppins who won't stop laughing and then lives on the ceiling. He lives on the ceiling though. I love to laugh. Ha ha ha ha. Wow, that was, you sold that one. Right. No, you go ahead and make yourself laugh again like a child. Cause that's less embarrassing, isn't it? Mate, if we were talking about embarrassment levels, come on. Yeah. I mean, it's over for us. Yeah. It's over

Starting point is 00:52:24 for us. This is a weekly degradation of our souls. Of our very dignities. Anyway, comic relief book. It's the utterly utterly utterly, what's that from? Utterly utterly, that's like bottom. Utterly utterly brilliant. Well no, it's more like, I don't know, like Rick and Aide kind of young ones, isn't it? That's right, it's Rick and Aide, it's Rick. It's young ones. So they've totally nicked his sort of catchphrase.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Well, the thing is... I'm sure he'd be fine with it. The thing is, you've totally nicked his sort of catchphrase. Well, the thing is… I'm sure he'd be fine with it. The thing is, you've got to remember, Comic Relief is kind of largely born from the alternative comedy scene, isn't it? Yes. This is what I'm trying to get at. It's going to have that vernacular.

Starting point is 00:52:53 Isn't it funny that they've used that specific thing that Rick used to say in The Young Ones? Utterly, utterly. Utterly, almost worth noting, this is the Christmas book as well. It's not just a generic Comic Relief book, this one's themed around Christmas. It is the Utterly, Utterly Merry utterly merry comic relief Christmas book to give its full title. And think how clever that is. It's a stocking filler.

Starting point is 00:53:08 It can't have been that expensive. You buy it for Christmas. You like it and it raises money for charity. So that's quite a clever thing. There is a fake sticker like gold sticker price sticker thing on the top of this book and it says over 16 million books sold. Talk into the mic please. I hate to remind you that it's an audio fucking medium.

Starting point is 00:53:24 Fucking hell mate. You got no mic. Okay, you into the mic please. I hate to remind you that it's an audio fucking medium. Fucking hell mate. You've got no mic. Okay, you have no mic control. Can you shut up? Cut this bit. No, I'm not. Fucking cut this bit. Sometimes the audience need to hear the frisson between us when it comes to the professional

Starting point is 00:53:35 back end. Every week is pure embarrassed frisson. Yeah. I'm going to open a pub called the Embarrassed Frisson. Good. And you're not invited. Anyway, the sticker in the corner says what? 16 million sold. Can't handle your corner says what? 60 million sold.

Starting point is 00:53:45 Can't handle your booze anyway. 60 million sold. You can have a shandy, how about that? One shandy. Do you want to just keep on talking over me when I'm trying to impart information which I'll listen to find my- I started trying to impart it but then it wasn't good enough for you. It's still not good enough for me.

Starting point is 00:53:57 Shut up! Fucking can't believe how many times I have to tell you that. This is one of the most dysfunctional podcast relationships I think there is. Why do we win an award for that? Most dysfunctional podcast duo. Wow, we would win every year. Every year. They'd name it after us. The Cheap Show Award for social professional embarrassment. Right, to get on with the actual podcast, Paul. Come on. Don't take the time, that's a Paul trope that we need less of. Over 16 million books sold and then in small print by the authors of. So they're saying everyone involved has probably sold 16 million.

Starting point is 00:54:30 It's a little joke on the cover there. And just to let you know what's inside this. Yeah. Adrian Moll's Christmas. Okay. A huge comic property at that time. Book excerpts, I'd imagine and stuff. And there was a TV show wasn't there? Yeah. Several series. Stay focused because come on mate. Alright. Ready? Yeah. Spitting Images Turkeys.

Starting point is 00:54:50 Good. The Young Ones Nativity. Okay. Man's Best Friend's Guide to History. Yes Prime Minister's Christmas Greeting. Bit of a classy comedy there. Yes Prime Minister was still going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:59 Was there two shows? One was called Yes Minister and one was called Yes Prime Minister. Yes. The second season so to speak. Okay. Yes. Heroic Failures. A New Dec failures, a new decade. What's that? I don't know. You've checked out. Dear Bill's Yuletide Missives and the Hitchhiker's Guide to Everything Else. There you go. A lot of stuff in there. Yes. So, you've had it for like literally nine and a half. Yeah, but

Starting point is 00:55:19 still a grab isn't it? But it's nicely produced in a kind of you know, Viz style, Monty Python style book. There's lots of variety in it. There's a photo story with the young ones in it. Is that photos? Yeah. See, they've done it specially for the book. Oh, Young Ones Nativity, that's cool. Zafod plays it safe, which I presume is a specially written thing by Douglas Adams. Which is a nice thing as well. Griffreece Jones' favourite Christmas joke. I'm not going to read it out because it's really fucking long. Why is it so long? Because it's so long? Look at that! Why is he such a posh twat? I don't understand. My name's Chris Statt.

Starting point is 00:55:47 Yeah, there's loads of things in here. Christmas Guy to TV. Why wasn't he... Do you want to just stop talking over me? Why wasn't he... Oh, Wicked Willie. Oh, I remember those as well. What would describe Wicked Willie to people then?

Starting point is 00:55:55 It's a cartoon series and I think also a merchandising chain like Purple Ronnie and all that kind of shit that Love is, where effectively they made a Willie come to life then? It's a cartoon series and I think also a merchandising chain like Purple Ronnie and all that kind of shit that Love is where effectively they made a Willy come to life and give it its own thought processes. Yeah, the cartoons was like a Willy talking to the man who owned it. Yeah, like Garfield and the Cat if Garfield was a cock. But here's the thing about Comic Relief, just to end on, they merchandised the fuck out of it because I've got like tons of Comic Rel relief albums down there and other books and they had Yeah, all that they single the red nose. They hit single

Starting point is 00:56:29 Which is a whole edition or every every telethon But also just like there was the PG tips comic relief cassettes that came with the tea there was the there was the fucking Nice. Oh the DJs Smashy and nicey there was a special compilation cassette with comedy songs on it. Nicie and Smashy. You have that? Yeah, I've got it on my hard drive actually there. Yeah, I'd love to have an actual one.

Starting point is 00:56:49 And it's a shame that basically now if you want to support Comic Relief, you've got to go on Amazon and buy a shitty Red Nose from them there. Well, I was just about to say they did have all different ones, weren't they? Yeah. They collect them all. It's a thing. I mean. But it meant it's lost its visibility on the high street.

Starting point is 00:57:03 So if you forgot Red Nose Day was coming, you would see it in Sainsbury's or whatever it was But these days you have to go on to Amazon go. Oh look, there's a Red Nose Day thing there Oh, okay, that's it It feels like yeah the present overall of comic relief has just gone because they don't take it with as much care anymore I think it's about the changing media landscape But you think it's to do with comic relief itself dropping the ball So it used to be every two years and now it's every year and it doesn't really feel like it has a comedy identity really. It feels the same as like Children in Need really.

Starting point is 00:57:29 There's no real huge difference between them anymore. No. Comic relief used to be kind of an arc to some extent. It had some edge, some teeth, some satire. Yeah, all gone. All gone for the sake of like a slick presentation. Yeah, terrible. No, I absolutely agree. And it is just all across culture. Everything seems to have lost everything shit. Everything shit everyone. At least this podcast can stand out. It revels in it. It bakes itself in it. In fact, we're turning the tables

Starting point is 00:57:57 because there are big corporations that are listening to us and are doing what we demand of them. For example, Coca-Cola have decided to bring over their best soda for fucking years, Orange Creme. And Eli thinks he had a hand to play in it. Because I demanded, you heard me, you heard me demanding they bring it over here. I will say this, you put it out into the universe, put it that way. They listen to us on the sly, all of them. In that case Coca-Cola. Bring the raspberry to us on the sly. All of them. In that case Coca-Cola.

Starting point is 00:58:26 Bring the raspberry one. Bring the raspberry one. The Canada raspberry one. Oh actually Coca-Cola made Quattro. Bring Quattro back for Ganon. Go on, bring Quattro back. Wouldn't you prefer the raspberry one? No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:58:35 Bring Quattro back for Ganon. I find... T-shirts, banners, bring Quattro back for Ganon. We've got two more books. I want to go through these very quickly because this one is very similar to the last one in terms of its style and presentation, but it is the Ken Dodds Butty Book. Illustrated. Butty?

Starting point is 00:58:55 Butthole book. Butty. Butty. That's what we used to call sandwiches up north. Butties. I have a cheese butty. That's right. I thought it referred to a cob roll or batch though.

Starting point is 00:59:04 No, just a sandwich in general. A sandwich is a butty, yeah. Illustrated by Bill Tidy. Why does that name ring a bell to me? Bill Tidy. Because he, when he was tidying the... Oh yes, if you're not going to really help Mr Silverman. He was tidying near your belt and it rang by mistake. No, pull, pull, pull! It's like a little tidier for letters and bills and it's got a little bell on the top bill. Bing! That's who rung the bill tidy belt.

Starting point is 00:59:34 Pull! He was born in Tramier, Cheshire in 1933. He's 89 and he's mostly known for the Fosdyke saga of comic strips. Was that where you heard him? No. Do you know what that is? And something called the cloggies, which I also haven't heard of. That was a humorous tale of some plumbers.

Starting point is 00:59:53 Oh no, he is dead apparently. He was a frequent guest on Dictionary Corner on Countdown. He often appeared on shows like I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue and Are You Giving a This Is Your Life. He was on Blankety Blank. He's on loads of stuff. But yeah, he's mostly known for his comic strips in the Daily Sketch and Daily Mirror. Right. And then yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:11 Isn't it funny how television could use to support like third tier celebrities like that? Oh, Private Eye, he also did comic strips for. You know the way television, you'd have these people who do all those shows mentioned. And they kind of just exist in that whole world. Not really very famous, but sort of a few levels down, but still there. But still in the culture consciousness. Yes, yeah. If that makes sense.

Starting point is 01:00:33 Yeah. Yeah. So it's just a book by Ken Dodd and it's full of little gags in and drawings and stuff. He's a big miser. He was famously. Big fucking miser. And also his shows would go on forever apparently. Fuck that as well.

Starting point is 01:00:44 Obviously so. We've talked about Dodd before. He's crazy. famously and also his shows would go on forever apparently. Fuck that as well. No, obviously so. We've talked about Dodd before. He's crazy. He also released a lot of albums where there wasn't really an emphasis on comedy. They're all heartfelt ballads and things. Fuck that. This book is literally about food with the humorous Ken Dodd style.

Starting point is 01:00:55 Oh, it's about food. Is there recipes in it? Here's a selection of hot sandwiches to make you glow inside on those chilly evenings. Tommy Took A Supper. What the fuck is that? Which sounds like when I have a wank. I'm off for a Tommy Took's Supper. Which sounds like, well I have a wank. I'm off for a Tommy Tucker's Supper. Thickly buttered two slices of white bread

Starting point is 01:01:10 and filled with grilled bacon, sliced grilled mushrooms and a dash of tomato sauce. Would you go for that? I would so go for that. Toast the sandwich on both sides and garnish with watercress. Cab drivers. What do you think a cab drivers comforter is and it's

Starting point is 01:01:25 not a prostitute? It's one of those little heated cushions that they've got piles. Yeah, fry strips of bacon without any extra fat until they're crispy keep them hot. Lightly spread buttered rolls of English or French mustard and place stoned, peeled and sliced avocado on the top. Cover the avocado with grated cheese and melt under a medium grill until it's melted. Top with more bacon strips and serve immediately. It's funny that this isn't a book like that, but that is very much like the whole sort of...

Starting point is 01:01:54 It's like food facts and recipes. Millennial, you know, people complaining about them wanting their avocado toast from a few years ago, you know? All of these sound like sex acts or, you know, euphemisms for having a wank, such as Bobby's Beano, Town Crier's Tiffin, Knock Up a Nightcap, Watchman's Warm-Up, that's a fucking wank one. Are these all sandwiches? Yeah. Oh, mate. Midnight Mix, Muffin Man's Mints, fucking, that's a wank, Starlight Sizzler, there's a fucking, that's when you've taken up the arse,se. Oh dear.

Starting point is 01:02:25 Sorry. Poor. Lamplighters Glow and the Gambler's... How they all sound like wanks. Yeah, Gambler's Grill. Right. Burglar's Break and the Alley Cat Appetizer. Can I have a look?

Starting point is 01:02:38 Yeah. I say, I say, I say, what do you get if you cross a cow with a duck? Cream Quackers. Oh, I knew that one. What's the only food that keeps hot in the fridge? Mustard. Oh. Well, how does an allotment gardener

Starting point is 01:02:50 mend a hole in his trousers with a cabbage patch? They're not very good, are they? Can I have a look, please? I've lost the momentum. There you go. Have a look at that. I love the sandwiches, man. Are these all sandwiches? No, it's all sorts of stuff, but there are...

Starting point is 01:03:02 It is a heavily... Panto treats. See how many of these sound like a wank. Tom Thumb's tummy-tipper. It's a wank! Cinderella's sarnie. Idle Jack's jolly- That's a lady wank, innit?

Starting point is 01:03:16 Idle Jack's jolly jelly. Mother Goose's giggle. Yeah, that's another one! A Footlight's frolic. This is all pork! Shoe Shine's giggle. Yeah, that's another one! A Footlight's frolic. This is all... Shoe Shine Swinger. Oh, hello. Wishy-washy's wallop. That's what you have in a bath.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Didn't you wipe it on your back? Oh, come on! Or his back. Oh, and then we've Coconut Curtain Cork. This is comedy gold! This is just enough. Bad cloth baps! What's happening?

Starting point is 01:03:46 You're shitting your pants! Oh my god! Oh no! Finale flip! That's when you finish it off! Panty a bit at the finale flip love! Potato pointers! No, party pointers!

Starting point is 01:04:00 Party pointers! Alright, alright, let's see if there's anything. Party game! Mate, we might be on diminishing returns. Let's stop while we're ahead. That's caused quite an asthma attack moment. There's something in here called a Canadian lumberjack snack. Hamlet is soliloquy. That's quite a poetic, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:04:18 It does! Soliloquy's for a while, isn't it? Hamlet is soliloquy. Come on. It's a minor pass. Go on. You've had a wash for a while. Sardine Supreme! Man, show me cram! Put it away! Put this book down! Let's do a whole episode on that! We could do it, yeah, we could maybe do it. That book has too much power. Wow, that's excellent. Fantastic thing. Oh, we might have peaked with that fucking book.

Starting point is 01:04:57 Episode over everyone. Here's the thing. I got this and I really fucking love this. This is a program from the Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball souvenir brochure from their tour. And what's even better about this is not only is the condition really fucking good, I'll let you have a look for it because it's a brochure and you know, you go to the theater, see them live and buy this and it's full of anecdotes and stories and photographs.

Starting point is 01:05:19 It's a souvenir brochure. And so you've got nice glossy photos of your two comics. Yeah. And you know, we've always been a pro Cannon and Ball podcast. We have. They're a proper professional comedian double act. Effectively for a magnifying glass we are exactly the same dynamic as those two. Did they have a similar dynamic? Yeah I'm definitely Tommy Cannon and you're Bobby Ball in this sense. I mean visually as well it's not too dissimilar. With the mustache and everything.

Starting point is 01:05:43 It's quite humbling. This is a lovely thing. Can I just say though isn't it a lovely thing there's loads to read and enjoy and it's not too dissimilar. All right, with the mustache and everything. It's quite humbling. This is a lovely thing. Can I just say, though, isn't it a lovely thing? There's loads to read and enjoy, and it's kind of celebratory. Glossy photographs, they're lovely. But I was going to say, I want to compare that from like, whatever it is, 1981. I'll tell you the date in a minute, to the Bobby Boar one we had a few weeks ago. And it's mostly ads.

Starting point is 01:06:00 No, but to be fair, that's not a souvenir brochure. That's a program. Oh, right. A slight be fair, that's not a souvenir brochure, that's a program. It's a slight different thing. But it still has. This is for being a brochure, this is just what you get when you go to see it. It's the same difference though, you still have to buy this. It's a much worse production. It's nothing to it, it's about, it is what Bobby Davro does, and then there's mostly adverts for Joe fucking Brown and the Chuckle Brothers and Jethro. Jethro's still going. So that's why that to me is so much more interesting because there's so much more there to celebrate. But in the box, and I presume when Joe bought this, this came with the Cannon and Ball brochure,

Starting point is 01:06:33 pictures on our website if you're interested, but it is a page from the newspaper. News cutting. So we know that this came from Sheffield. This came from Sheffield, this show. The Sheffield something or other. What's the name of the theatre? The Star. This is 1982, March 25th. And why it's been folded in, interestingly, is because there's a review of that very show.

Starting point is 01:06:52 In it, let me have a little look. Callendon Ball Sheffield City Hall by Ian Linus in the television and theatre section. And this is what he says. Is there a photo of them? No, it's just a written article. This is what he says. Oh no, actually I take that back, sorry. This is by someone called Jeff Daniel, who apparently must have went to see the show and reviewed it. Okay. so many comics strive for and so few achieve. Big, tall Tommy and the straight man and Bully,

Starting point is 01:07:25 short and cuddly Bobby, the format is familiar enough but these two have something extra. How many comics after all get a pop star's mobbing at the end of a show? How many funny turns in these less than amusing days literally sell out at every other venue? Cannon and Ball succeed because for my money, they are tangible.

Starting point is 01:07:40 They are clean, warm, extremely funny, totally refreshing, and they don't try to be clever or superior, and there are no jokes at anyone's expense except their own. Their exit to a spontaneous standing ovation is a moment of sheer comic genius. Pompous Tommy breaks away from a duet to hog the spotlight on his own, leaving Bobby in the dark, at first trying to illuminate himself with a cigarette lighter, but eventually he falls asleep and Big Tommy carries off the little man over his shoulder. Magic. Rock on lads. Cool. That's a lovely item. My favourite item today I think.

Starting point is 01:08:09 Well, I mean the Butty Buck also has brought us lots of joy. Oh, that really did. But here's what else. They've also given us this. Now we've covered this before in the past, but this Rock on Tommy album. Have you got this? Yeah, I've got another copy of it down there. We talked about it. Remember it's like half story where it's like- Can I take this copy then?

Starting point is 01:08:22 Yes, you can. It's them going to record their album. So they go on a little journey from waking up in the morning, going to the studio, having an awkward moment with a very obviously gay stereotype who works in the music industry. That's a bit of a shame isn't it? And then record some songs and stuff at the end. But Paul, with our wider discussion of comedy LPs and the formats they take...

Starting point is 01:08:39 Like the Cheap Show one which you can order right now at Diggers Factory. This was definitely an influence on you when we were conceiving of what we're going to do with the album. To some extent, yeah. But this is a concept but it has songs as well. And sketches. Yeah, so it's not lazy. They've gone for it. They've gone for doing a whole concept. Absolutely, because Little & Large, because I think they released an album

Starting point is 01:09:00 and even that was just them doing shit songs. Little & Large didn't really have the range of Cannon and Ball at all. And even Cannon and Ball had their limitations because of that dynamic. But they were a much better version, much more likeable. Yeah, it was more malleable than the Little and Large shit. Oh, what's that? Oh, I didn't see that. The cover of the TV Times magazine. Someone was a big Cannon and Ball fan who gave this in.

Starting point is 01:09:20 This is the cover of the Yorkshire TV Times magazine. Sheffield going back to the thing. You get different... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You used to get regional TV Times because there were different companies that would run the ITV on the weekends. Is that right? And no, during the week, it was every single part of the country had their own TV network. During the, yeah, but in London we used to get different. Yeah, in London's different.

Starting point is 01:09:39 You had Thames TV over there then. And LWT. Yeah. But that was unique to London because of the way that was set up. Sorry everyone. If you're younger than about, I don was unique to London because of the way that was set up. If you're younger than about, I don't know. If you don't even remember what TV was. Own up if you're over 25.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Fucking hell. So this is the Yorkshire TV Times magazine, and it's got our two erstwhile heroes. Bobby Ball and Cannon. Tomi. Kevin, Tommy and Bob. Tommy Cannon. Getting to grips with fame because he's throttling him.

Starting point is 01:10:03 Yeah, because they made their big break essentially through shows like the Will Tapper and Shunters Club. Right. You know, which do you know what that show is? It's like a Working Men's Club style review. Reviety show, yeah. Reviety show. Oh Turn Black, the selling cigarettes, John Player Special, King Size, I bet they're nasty.

Starting point is 01:10:19 They were really horrible fags. It's funny how even as far back as whatever this is, 83, 84, they were still doing the health ads. I thought that was like a 90s thing. Well you can't advertise cigarettes now. You can't even have an advertiser. But isn't that weird? It's turning, it's a cigarette box turning. But you know what they remind me of? They're very shiny, they almost look like stone. Marble. They look like gravestones, don't they? Christ, that's a good point, yeah. Weird. Anyway. So every time you go to smoke you can be reminded of the eventual outcome of that addiction. It's funny, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:10:45 Yeah, yeah, anything else in in that day? So they didn't really have a look. Is it just that? Oh, let me have a just in case because I don't know. Yeah, so you've got always got to check for an insert I thought it was probably an insert But maybe not like when I got that album and then found that Rolf Harris single on the inside about how to learn the fucking Theremin or where the fuck it was every it's because I just because I don't know if we really want to go down the Rolf Harris humour road. The funny bits there. Yeah, there are some funny bits which in hindsight, because of everything, are actually more funny and more distasteful. Yeah. Listen, before we get into the last in the box, because there's a few more items, let's take a quick break.

Starting point is 01:11:24 So look, there are three more items. Two of these we're going to come back to in a future episode, but I want to get them out the way now. So we're going to do a little brief thing and then we're going to end on a vinyl. Okay. And the reason why I'm going to end on the vinyl is because unless you've seen it already, I think it'll be a nice surprise for you. So in this box and why it is so big, there are two board games, two very exciting board

Starting point is 01:11:44 games for me. In the first instance, this board game about to pull out, I've been eyeing on eBay for a while, but every time I go to buy it or go to look for it, the price is disgusting. What is disgusting? 40, 50 quid for this board game. And I can tell you now looking at the box, one pound 50, they pay for it in a charity job, presumably complete. And it is this, I've been wanting this for a while.

Starting point is 01:12:03 We've got it and we'll come back to it in a later episode. Show me. This is... Supermarket Sweep! You found it! Well, Joe found it. I know you've been after this for a while. Next time you're at the checkout and you hear the beep, think of all the fun you could be having on Supermarket Sweep. Go wild in the aisles. Supermarket Sweep, the nation's most popular shopping game.

Starting point is 01:12:21 This is by a company called Britannia Games. Come across them before? Briefly in the past, yeah. And it has a Carlton, again that's one of those regional television production networks that we just discussed. So Supermarket Sweep though. And a picture of Dale. Yeah, Supermarket Sweep, very briefly, the game show format was you'd answer questions

Starting point is 01:12:38 to earn time and that time allowed you to run around in a mock-up supermarket and collect items. And sometimes it was the treasure hunts to find items, but the overall gist of it was you run around a supermarket collecting items and points and pounds. Pounds. Didn't we do this? No. Or a version of this? No.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Or something similar? Are you sure? Yes. Are you 100%? Yes. You're thinking of the games we did like bargain hunts and stuff like that. No, no, no. We've definitely not done this.

Starting point is 01:13:03 We have definitely not done this. Okay. I will 110% tell We've definitely not done this. We have definitely not done this. Okay. I will 110% tell you we've not done this. Film trivia questions are in this as well. Yeah, because it's half general knowledge and then you win time, don't you, to run around. I'll get you, Matt. I'll get you. I'm ready to go up against you now.

Starting point is 01:13:15 We've got that to play at a later date. I'll go up against you now, film trivia. No, we're not doing that now. Come on, film trivia break off. As long as the film trivia you know is up to about 1994 or something. That's my sweet spot, mate. It might be my sweet spot as well, do you think? So fucking bring it on.

Starting point is 01:13:26 We'll deal with that when we come to it in a later episode, when we definitely do a deep dive into Supermarket Sweep, because I want to feature the song that was released as well. I can see a little... What? ...answer, but what is the question to this, Paul? All right, go on, give me the question then. Had... No, this is the answer.

Starting point is 01:13:40 Okay, so it's like Jeopardy then? Yeah. All right, Jeopardy rules. Haddock is actually a member of the Cod family. What is Mackerel? What was Tin Tin's best friend often mistaken for? Well done. Now thank you.

Starting point is 01:13:56 That's good. Like that. Come on. So there's that one. So we'll be playing that. And then there's this one, which I didn't even know fucking existed. This is one of those ones where you go, who fucking conceived of this? It's by Waddington's, the company that made its name

Starting point is 01:14:08 with Monopoly Includo back in the day. So yeah, this is an IP-based board game on an IP I didn't even know needed to exist. But I'm just gonna confuse you a little bit more. The brand is an advert, a popular, very popular famous advert. Don't tell me, don't tell me. Go on, you can get it.

Starting point is 01:14:22 Is it the Smash robots? No. Okay. But you are in a similar ballpark. Think of really popular adverts. More recent. No, 80s. I want you to focus on the 80s like a son of a bitch. So isn't the Meerkat, because it could be that as well. Yeah, it's not that. 80s and I'm not a million miles away with the Smash robots. I mean, I'll even help you further. It's a Cadbury's product, because Smash was Cadbury's just for those who remember. Oh, Smash was Cadbury's, isn't that weird? Anyway, so it's a Cadbury's brand...

Starting point is 01:14:47 Is it the Cadbury's parrot? Says hello. No, but again, there might even be an abort game based on that. That wouldn't surprise me. It was it, but this is... they didn't have any other savoury products. That's the weird thing. No, this is definitely a familiar Cadbury's product. It had a very famous advert campaign in the 80s. Super famous. Super spoofed a lot of as well. And apparently- I'm gonna kick myself here. ...for popular enough to make a board game based on it. I'm gonna kick myself. Cream egg.

Starting point is 01:15:12 No. Give me one more clue. I'll give you one more- One more obtuse clue. Oh, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what the genre of this game is and see if that helps. I'm racking my brains here. Right? This is a road race and alpine race.

Starting point is 01:15:26 Oh, oh, oh. Alpine and road race game. It is the red car and the blue car. No, that is your last one. That was Milky Way. That wasn't Cadbury's. I'm just going to tell you because we spent three minutes on this. It is the Cadbury's Milk Tray Man in Black game.

Starting point is 01:15:41 Oh, I don't think I was on the right track. I was thinking of sort of cartoony things. You know what, yeah. But you know, well done for fooling me. In the UK, milk tray is a Cadbury selection box, right, of different milk chocolates, you know, with coffee in or jelly or not or whatever it is. It is because I had like Turkish delight. Jelly or a nut. Yeah, I had Turkish delight in and stuff, didn't it? So that was a jelly. Am I not correct? It is a gelatinous sweet yes i don't call it a jelly fucking words don't start mincing words don't start that's what we did that is what we do we're professional word mincers but wasn't one of those sandwiches called a mincer's trough

Starting point is 01:16:14 something like that the thing is the thing is the man in black was an advertising character and it was like a james bond thing so he would helicopter in and parachute or zip line or whatever into the lady's window. And rather than like robber, he just leaves a box of chocolates with a note and then jumps out the window again. Creepy as fuck. And like the idea... Basically letting your stalker victim know that you have access to them at any time through your huge wealth and access to high technology. Yeah. And the card always said, all because the lady loves milk tray. Even if she loved it she'd still be creeped out after a while.

Starting point is 01:16:49 Here's what I imagine happens, she wakes up, she sees it, she's on the phone. Charles? Yes darling. Why is there a box of chocolates? Whoa, the man in black? Stop it Charlie, this is the fourth fucking time you've broken into my house. It's not cute Charlie, it's not cute, it's quite upsetting. I've got you on ring cam trying to find the hole in the window to get in. Yeah. And I bet, you know, one of them's like

Starting point is 01:17:08 Turkish delight, the jelly ones. The other one's like... Stop holding onto the Turkish delight thing. Spunk. So... One of them's filled with his spunk. Yeah. Can we... This doesn't always need to be spunk in this podcast. Well, I think that bit you were doing with that need is a spunky chocolate as a finish. The lady loves a spunky one. The lady. Hey, what would this funky one be called? Also Charlie, you know, you left the chocolates, but I also know what else you left inside that box. Yay! Well done Paul.

Starting point is 01:17:31 You left a little snail trailer with the fucking walnut whips, didn't you, you dirty bastard? Paul's responding to notes. It's very encouraging everyone. Man in black. Man in black with white dots on his fucking lap. Anything else to say about this? Pre-com. If you open it up, it's a very unusual looking board game. It's like the Blockbusters quiz board in that it's like full of hexagons. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:54 And I think- Molded plastic. Yeah, and I think the gist is it kind of plays a little bit like Scotland Yard. You know you've got to move around the board and escape. It's got this kind of slightly flimsy plasticky kind of vacu-formed hexagonal grid. Wow, this is mint! Yeah. Because all of the playing pieces are all pushed in. Haven't been pushed out of the card. See look at that, it all fits together like that. The conditions great on this. Yeah, which is considering how flimsy this plastic is. This has not been opened or played with. No. Have you ever seen this online? No, I didn't know this existed until I saw it in the box. It's an amazing find, so well done Joe.

Starting point is 01:18:28 Effectively, you play the man in black and you've got to move around this board, adding paths as you go to make a route. And I guess there's going to be other things that get in the way to stop you, but it's kind of like the objective is, the man in black to escape the grid, via helicopter to do shortcuts, blah blah blah, make a path shortcuts, blah blah blah. Saying that they went to that much trouble. And there are hazards and things to avoid. Was it that popular, that series of ads? I guess it was. To make a board game that I'd imagine was mostly for the Christmas sales. Yeah, it must have been.

Starting point is 01:18:55 You know, we all have a look at this at a later date and maybe another episode in more detail. I'm just trying to, it's Waddingtons you said, you wanted to exclusively produce four Cadbury by Waddingtons. It must have been like a limited edition for Christmas or it must have been like a giveaway I don't know but it's a fascinating fucking thing. Yeah that suggests it might be a giveaway or something. Maybe. Because it says exclusively produced.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Perhaps it was something you collected on Milk Tray now couldn't be, wasn't that kind of proof? Will you overcome the terrifying odds, block your opponent to be the first to deliver the box of Milk Tray? So yeah it feels like it might be a mix of like Ticket to Ride and Scotland Yard where you've got to maneuver around the board blocking off hexagons spots and blocking other people's paths and stuff. I have to say, overall what a great box from Joe. And there's one more thing I want to show you. So I'm going to show you it now. Right, last item. We'll do this quite quickly and then wrap this bugger up. But I wanted to say

Starting point is 01:19:42 this one till last because I think you might cream yourself. Am I gonna? Well, hopefully in the right way. It's a vinyl. I'm a 50 year old man. It would take so much for you to pull something out and meet you just come. You'd have to be like... A CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! It would be a cattle prod right up the thing. Right up the shofter. That's like a fucking terrible joke.

Starting point is 01:19:59 It is. We're all doing them today, Eli. Welcome on board. Right, it's a vinyl record. I don't think you've got this. I might be deeply disappointed if you do. Get it out. Ooh, PlaySchool. Ooh. You don't have this then? This is orange.

Starting point is 01:20:14 It says PlaySchool on it. No, I've got a PlaySchool record. Yeah. Which has that funky drum one on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've done on the past years ago now. This is another one. Stories Old and New from BBC's Daily Program.

Starting point is 01:20:24 So these are stories and not... Oh, was it stories and songs? I am screaming myself. Yeah, well, there you go. Gannet made you create yourself. I love this. That colour, this orange and red Play School cover is the colour of children's television in the 70s.

Starting point is 01:20:36 Of early 70s, yeah. Isn't it? So who's on it then? Is it like Ferella Benjamin or the usual players? Miranda Connell, Lionel Morton, Brian Kant. Kant, yeah. Remember Kant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Julie Stevens, Carole Chell, Car Kant, Julie Stevens, Carol Chell, Carol Ward, Johnny Ball and Johnny Silvo.

Starting point is 01:20:50 And who's that guy coming out there? I don't know. It looks like that comedian. What's his fucking name? I think that is. Oh, he's the he was the musical guy. Right. And the stories you can see on this side one band one, the moon rocket.

Starting point is 01:21:02 Nice. Then we've got the little red Hen Bakes and Bread. Okay. Band three, I know you're gonna appreciate Paul, it's called Splodges. Yeah, you see that was the title that stood out to me as well. I might give it a splodges a listen in a minute. And then Bits and Bobs and Scripts and Scraps.

Starting point is 01:21:14 I mean, it's- All the fish in the sea. It's like it foretold this podcast. The Three Billy Goats Gruff. Yeah. The Table and the Chair, Three Little Pigs, we've all heard of. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:23 Moonshine. Do you know what the story that is? I mean, I presume it's not about the illegal liquor. It's Helen de Fehr wrote that. They have the authors, which is nice of all these stories. Yeah, the stories. Okay, so some of the stories. The Los Freds Amazing Animal Band. Joe, thank you so much. I love this. And I've never seen it either.

Starting point is 01:21:38 It's Roundabout number 10. Roundabout was the BBC's BBC record series of children's records. I've got Roundabout 2 which has... Do you remember when it's all about the school programming? I'm not allowed to have any opinions on what you say right now. Roundabout 2 which has a whole thing where they use radiophonic workshop music to play a game of... What's the one with the music where you stop the music and you sit on a chair?

Starting point is 01:22:03 Musical chairs? Musical chairs, yeah. Hey look, credits... Does it credit fucking Delia Derbyshire? What's the one with the music where you stop the music and you sit on a chair? Musical chairs. Yeah Does it credit fucking Delia Derbyshire? No credit well credits Radiophonic music for splodges can pull by my splodges on and then music for fearless Fred's amazing animal band is composed by Lionel Morton I don't know who that Lionel Morton is that guys coming out the thing? He's the fun comedian the other one it was a it was in Belint edge George Carlin George Carlin, thank you.

Starting point is 01:22:25 Anyway, Splodges, track three. Oh my god, Splodges is going to be radiophonic. When they heard the music, the other Splodges, all squashed up inside their squares, longed to break out into a spludgy dance again. The more the trumpet played, the more the spludges felt they wanted to join in the music, until they were so bursting with spludginess, theirodgier until they were all splodges again without a straight side between them. Wow, that is my favourite item. Is it? Yeah. This has been a good box, thank you Joe. It was going to be the sandwich names but... I mean there's been a few highs. You've had cars, you've had new Wanky Monkey Hand. Oh yeah, wow, this has been one of the best boxes ever. It's been a real rich one. Oh mate, I love the Wanky Hand. the crawly crawly crawly hand mummy hand is mommy crawly hand a famous

Starting point is 01:24:06 new orleans uh yeah mommy crawly hand i'm gonna go see madam crawly hand tonight oh she crawl up inside my inner thigh like that she's the madame you don't go with her yeah i pay extra okay madame crawly hand fine. Mummy Crawly Hand's gonna get... Do you know who fits into that world really well though? Oh, let's move on quick. The crazy Undertaker. Yeah, I know. No, brilliant, thank you, love it, absolutely love that.

Starting point is 01:24:35 The story splodges has radiophonic music on it. Well, they just heard it, I just cut it in. So... But it's very much... This series almost always seems to have one part of the record, which is done by the Radiophonic workshop. It's like we've really got to get kids used to the sound of fucking expressionistic moog sounds. Weird moog tape loop stuff. Yeah. Look, what a wonderful thing and overall, a wonderful thing. What a wonderful box in

Starting point is 01:24:58 and general. So thank you very much, Joe. Again, if you want to send anything to us on the show to review, to enjoy as a price of shite from a charity shop, you can go to our PO box on our website, go to the main page or in the description for this podcast episode. Don't you usually do this bit when we're doing the... Well, just go to the website, thecheapsheduckco.uk. Are we finishing here then? No, I'm going to put a little break in now. And then you're going to just say it again.

Starting point is 01:25:19 Yeah. So what's the point of all this? I want to break it up. Just fucking break it up then. I'll break you up then. I'll break us up then. And then where will you be? You gutter snipe.

Starting point is 01:25:28 You gutter snipe. Yeah, you gutter snipe. I don't do anything now. Bye guys. Well it's a bumper bumper show for us today, but just to recap, if you wanna get your hands on the album there's still time. Go to diggersfactory.com, look for Cheap Show and you'll find it easy as that. And we're very proud of it and we'd love you to get your hands on it. And if you

Starting point is 01:25:47 don't have a vinyl player, but you want it, you will get a download code. Also, our live show 18th of October as part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, celebrating 10 years of Cheap Show. Come and join us. Our special guests will be Nick Helm and Ria Lina, provided they don't get better paid gigs in the meantime. And then everything else is the cheapshow.co.uk for everything. Just, it's a one-stop shop. Go there, our social media can be found there. Our Cheap Shot fortnightly comedy series on YouTube's

Starting point is 01:26:13 on there, it's all on there. And if you wanna be a Patron who get access to extra podcasts and magazines and behind the scenes stuff, patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. Give what you can, only if you can, and get access to hundreds of bloody hours now of extra cheap show goodness i love windy because i read more buddy book ones out no you can't how dare you how dare you i'm not i'm leaving it's not

Starting point is 01:26:36 you're gonna you're gonna try and return to it it's not gonna work as well you always do this so let's diminishing honestly honestly mate you can cut this out if you like okay but let's save it it's too good just to fritter away at the last don't stop don't know what about this one granny's grub shepherds fold come on come on you're wasting these Ramblers Raspberry relish Goodbye everyone thanks for listening. Can you press the button? Shane cuz I was hoping to be I'll tell you what but I ever want you know what I like to call it a savory showstopper And that is what we're gonna stop the show on everyone, everyone. So that's it. Savory Showstopper, that's the one.

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CheapShow - Ep 438: A Box Of Delights

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