CheapShow - Ep 44: Cheeky Crackheads & Filthy Mansions

Episode Date: May 24, 2017

Ever wondered how to lure a crackhead back to your house? Ever been curious as to who owned the dirtiest, weirdest millionaires mansion? Ever had a violently strong opinion on Iceberg Lettuce? Ever wanted to know Eli's favourite physical sensations? Do you think Paul can go a whole show without a wank joke? If any of those thoughts have ever bounced around your head, this podcast will not so much as answer them, but exploit them horrendously for personal gain! It's another podcast filled with bric-a-brac, banter and beautiful banality. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz!

Hello and welcome to episode 44 of Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon and before we get the episode started I just want to say thank you to everyone who has become a Patreon on our Patreon page. If you would like to give anything from a dollar to up to $50, crazy but some people have, then go to our page patreon.com forward slash cheap show and help support our podcast. It helps keep our website running, It helps keep our podcast server available. It helps keep our domain name. It allows us to maybe pay for bits and bobs for the show, some new microphones. It all helps support this podcast so we can hopefully carry on making it for you, dear listener, on a weekly stroke, monthly basis. We're aiming to get three episodes out a month from this point on. And that's all thanks to the people who have become Patreons on Patreon.

I'm going to say Patreon a lot. That's really annoying. So even if you donate $1, that $1 makes a huge difference. So thank you so much. Now, this episode was recorded a little while ago, so the sound quality isn't great. That's because it was recorded in my flat, and so the acoustics is awful. Whatever. It's a great episode. You're going to love it. So thank you. That's it. I just want to say thank you. So if you do like this show, remember, you can give some money to us on Patreon,

and also, more importantly, help spread the word. Get it recommended to friends. Get a group going. We want to start a cult. We really do. The cult of Eli, King of Noodles. We want that to happen, but we can only do it through your help. So spread the word. If you think you know someone who loves the show, tell them about it. It's been recommended by The Guardian, Podblasts, iTunes recommended it again. So, you know, those people can't be wrong, right? Right? Oh, shut up now. Here's episode 44 of Cheap Show.

Thank you. Cheap Show! Back again, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm full of anguish. And here's Paul Gannon. He mangles the language I do indeed thank you

and joining us for another episode of Cheap Show I am Paul that is Eli let's just crack straight on let's crack straight on no idle banter

and also if you make any wank jokes during this whole episode you'll be severely reprimanded right if I give you a deal if I do a single wank joke I give you a pound

for every wank joke I do and I hope I pull it off because if I don't pull it off, I'll be very disappointed. What? What? Okay. Okay? You owe me a quid already.

I don't owe you a quid. For what? Pulling it off. I just mean if I could pull off this feat of extraordinary skill of not reaching into my basest instincts and going for the knob. Wank gag. I don't want to do that. Okay, no one wants you to do it. I don't want you to do that. I don't want. Wank gag. I don't want to do that. Okay, no one wants you to do it, Paul. I don't want you to do that.

I don't want you to do it. I don't want to do that. For you, I want this to be a clean episode. Okay. Where I don't talk about jacking a dick until it comes. I'm not going to do it. So, what have we got on this episode? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling quite spunky today.

I'm feeling quite full of spunk, and I can't wait to release it all over you right now with what we've got coming up in the show. Actually, we've got a few things, because we've got off the top of the show, straight away, off the top of the show, straight away. Off the top of the show? Shut up!

I think we should do the whole fucking interview again. No, I can't. I can't be arsed. Oh, sorry. So, I mean, we're going to start with life hacks. Oh, some life hacks. We've, we're going to start with Life Hacks. Oh, some Life Hacks. We've got this one sent in to us. A reader to our website.

Yes. To our email. Well, I'm always open for Life Hacks, especially if they involve saucepots. I can't promise that yet. I love a gravy pot. Yeah? Well, you've got to go with this one, then. No way.

A gravy pot? No way. Isn't a gravy pot called a A boat No A gravy boat Isn't it a Marmite No Isn't it

Yes That's a No That's a French stew pot It's a Marmite That's where the brand Marmite comes from Because they used to be shaped like that And they have it on the sticker on the logo

Yes A Marmite Yes There you go ladies and gentlemen You do learn something on T-Shirt And do you know what It wasn't a spread Marmite, was it, when it started? It was a sort of beef stock sort of replacement.

Yeah. Because it came out in the first wave of vegetarianism. Did it? Yes. So what, was it like rations and you can only have so much so? No, there was a big movement in the, I believe, sort of the 1920s. I bet there was a big movement if you had the fucking Marmite. Jesus Christ.

Right. Is it a laxative? Well, it does something to me. I bet it was a big movement if you had the fucking Marmite. Jesus Christ. Right. Is it a laxative? Well, it does something to me that I will not go into detail about right now. So you're on the hate side of the fence with Marmite? No, I quite like it.

I just can't really enjoy it because it sets off the IBS. It sets off many things, IBS being one of them. Your guts? My guts. I mean, no, I'm not going into detail.

It's just gross. Okay. Right. So, life hack. This one's in from someone Your guts My guts I mean I was No I'm not going to go into detail It's just gross Okay Right so Life hack This one's in from someone called Radical Lazarus Radical Lazarus Is the name Hit me with your hack

Hey Nice confident start I have a life hack for you Yes You never need To pay For labour Again

Right That's it I'm listening No There's more. Need help moving house? Landscaping? Just don't feel like doing chores around the house?

Hire crackheads. That's his advice. Hire crackheads. Find some crackheads, tell them that you have some crack, and they'll do anything to get it. Yeah, that works. But there's always a danger they'll mug you. True. So you have them do whatever labour you need them to do it. Yeah, that works. But there's always a danger they'll mug you. True.

So you have them do whatever labour you need them to do for the crack. Then when it comes time to pay up, just call the police. All right, all right. I bet this guy voted Trump. Several offensive things about Diamond Lazarus. What else? He says, tell the police, hey, these crackheads are messing with my property, and have them take them away. Who are the police going to believe?

You or a bunch of crackheads, right? Very, very problematic, Lazarus, if that's your real name. No, his real name is Nathaniel. We're shaming you, Nathan, Nathaniel. Shaming you, Nathaniel Crackhead. First off, where are you going to find Crackheads? Well, where would you find them in London?

I don't know. You tell me. London Bridge. What, you think they walk around with Crackhead t-shirts on, do they? Yeah, they do. I'm with Crackhead. So whoever's the arrows

pointing out on the t-shirt is the Crackhead. Basically, it falls at the first hurdle because there's no way you're convincing a Crackhead. Look, let's just play it out. All right. I'm the crackhead

and you're Nathaniel, yeah? And don't do one of your troped accents. No, I'll just do my own voice. I'll just be me for this. All right. I'm a smoker. Yeah, that's a great crack.

Oh, well, I can't seem to find any crackheads. I'll just get the bus home. That's proving that I don't know what a crackhead looks like. No, but I'm the crackhead. You see me. So I've recognised you the bus home. That's proving that I don't know what a crackhead looks like. No, but I am the crackhead. You see me. So I've recognised you then.

Yes. And I look quite muscly, as if I could move some stuff. So let's just say, perfect target. Why are you eroticising this? I'm a muscly crackhead. Muscly crackhead. Oh, yeah. Right, so, okay.

Oh, I need to find a crackhead. I wonder if there's one over here. La-di-da, da-da-da. I'm sorry, crackheads just sit there and go la-di-da. I just, because it's an audio. I want to be, like, just to, you know, to cue the listener that I'm actually here. All right, okay. You are, though, there.

But I'm kind of singing. Hi, I'm crack. Right, okay, so, all right, fair enough. Excuse me, sir, are you a crackhead? Yeah. Would you like crackhead? Yeah. Would you like some crack? I'd love some. I have some crack.

Right. But you can only have the crack if you come to my house and do some heavy lifting. Fuck that. But I've got crack. Yeah, give it to me. It's in my house. I'll stab you. But I don't have it on me right now, so you'd just be stabbing me for no reason.

Right, so... So come back to my house and I'll give you... I've't have it on me right now So you'd just be stabbing me For no reason Right so So come back to my house And I'll give you I've got a knife I know I've got a knife here Well leave it here And come to my house

I'm not leaving the knife here Leave it here I want to take it with me Why? Don't you trust me? So I can mug you Once we get to your house Well then don't come

Come back to my house then Fine You see what I mean, Nathaniel? There's a truant. It doesn't fucking work. And it's shoddy. And we shouldn't let shoddy life hacks like this that are just... At least he's coming up with one.

It's so... You come up with one. I've come up with several. Not very good ones. They're fucking great. Depends on your... Can I just say now? Yeah.

I just want to say now. Right, yeah. Go on. Before this goes any further. Yeah. Iceberg lettuce gets a bad rap. Wow, that was a jump. Yes.

Where's that come from? Well, I don't think there's... I'm looking at the list of things we're going to do this show and there's no bit for my iceberg bit, so I'm just sticking it in here, okay? Okay, so carry on with this iceberg lettuce wrap. Okay. Have you noticed...

Very hack way of beginning this bit. Have you noticed... Shut up. Hey. What about that airplane food, eh? Yeah. How about that? Iceberg lettuce, yeah.

Iceberg lettuce. Have you noticed that... No. Just stop interrupting me again. I'm an audience member. I'm not disappointed by the material. We're not play acting now, Paul. We're just doing the... All right. This is a serious thing. Okay, all right. Okay. I take it back. I'm an audience member. I'm not disappointed by the material. We're not play acting now, Paul. We're just doing the...

All right. This is a serious thing. Okay. All right. Okay. I take it back. I want a minute. Go on.

Have you noticed that basically people, whenever you bring up iceberg letters, they poo-poo it and they have done for years. I've never noticed that. I genuinely haven't. I genuinely haven't. Just play along with it. All right. All right.

It's my bit. I agree with your pre-C. Continue. They always go, oh, no, I don't like iceberg. It's a bit tasteless. And it's a snottiness. It's a snottiness and it's unfounded. And in a lot of instances, when they replace it with one of your spicier lettuces,

your more mustardy leaves like rocket, it's totally inappropriate inappropriate you want the the crunch the pure textural vibe of a lovely lovely bit of iceberg and don't be a ponce don't be a cultural snob iceberg lettuce is one of the wonders of the modern food world yeah and it's great egg sandwich sandwich. Also, I like... Tortilla wrap. Brilliant. Yeah. For giving it that texture. Crispy texture.

It's brilliant for that. Why do you poo-poo it? I'm not. Why do you go, oh, I prefer romaine. Oh, I prefer something with a bit more flavour. This is more about how middle class you are. Exactly. It's become this sort of bogeyman of the middle classes.

Oh, I like that phrase. You know? The bogeyman of the middle class. It's the bogey lettuce of the middle classes. Oh, I like that phrase. You know? The bogeyman of the middle class. It's the bogey lettuce of the middle classes. Bogey lettuce. So, I'm sick of that. Yeah. Also, rocket is overused.

Right. Because it's like, I don't want a mustardy thing. I just want a lettuce sort of texture. I don't want a nice grassy, flowery. I don't want you, you know, complicating and sullying the flavour of this sandwich with the fucking rocket. What's, you know? I agree.

It has its place. Yes. I'd say not in a lot of sandwiches. Good. Have you finished? No. I haven't finished, Paul. This is where the fight back starts.

This is where the resist. Hashtag resist. Yes. Yes. Iceberg lettuce is not a four-letter word, okay? It's not. you're right. And it's a concept we should all be proud of, and it's something we should go forward as,

basically, up there, king of lettuce textures. Thank you, that is the end of my bit. Thank you. It's a 14-letter word. It's 14 letters and three words. No, two. You say you don't notice this now wait

you'll see people poo pooing iceberg all over the shop well if I go to a shop and someone's poo pooing all over iceberg letters I shan't be buying their wares

oh dear no we didn't say anything about shit jokes did we most of our jokes are shit though there you are

anyway life hack do do do do do do do right also that wasn't are shit though. Anyway, life hack. Right, also, that wasn't a life hack. It was a life hack for the guest. That was awful

from Nathaniel there. Nathaniel, you don't listen. At least you put the effort in even if it was deeply right wing and troubling. We appreciate the effort.

And if you have any life hacks listener that you think are better than Eli's or the alt-right leanings of Nathaniel, please get involved and email us thecheapshow at gmail.com. Now, you've got a top three. Let's get the top three out of the way.

All right. Get it all out of the way, Eli's bit. Yeah. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another one of my infrequent sections. It's Eli's top tips. Eli's top three. Eli's top three. Oh, not top tips. Sorry. Yeah. It's top three Eli's top three oh not top tips

sorry yeah it's top three I'll do that bit again yeah go right and now ladies and gentlemen it's another episode of my infrequent series Eli's top three

and I'm looking forward to this what are your top three we haven't done this in a while have we no we haven't this is nice we haven't done this in a while nice relaxed

so what are your top three choices today what are the three well as before just to give people who. We haven't done this in a while. So what are your top three choices today? What are the three? Well, as before, just to give people who might not be aware of this section a little flavour, before I've had top three nuts. You have. Top three crisps. Yes. Top three...

Soft drinks. Positions to sleep in. Yes. That's from the Uncleekables, that one. That's old. So today I present to you... Oh dear. My top three physical sensations that are not sexual. I

don't know what three, are there three? Yes. Good. Then this is actually interesting. I'm actually interested in this. Top three, yes. Go on, go for it. Number one. Yes. You get out of the shower. I get out of the shower. No, one gets out of the shower. One. The royal we, the one. All right. Get out of the shower. It's a bit cold. Yeah.

So you get back into bed and then you kind of dry off. I see your parameters now. That's number three. That's nice. I see your parameters. It's a physical sensation. What? Can you describe that sensation? It's like all warm.

All warm and slightly damp. Oh, dear. I like the fact that you made a little hamster pose when you did it. Your little claws. I'm then snuggled. Snuggling up. Yeah, lovely. Okay, so that's good.

Yeah. Number two, and this is in reverse order so we're getting better oh okay towards number one when you're in a shower yeah and it's all shower based

wow okay alright good you're in the shower and it's been quite cold for a long time yeah and then suddenly

the a robot comes in turns the heat off suddenly the heat comes on. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, that's a lovely physical sensation.

Why has the heat suddenly come on? It's just because you've got poor water pressure. You've noticed, yeah. Fair enough. A lot of showers are like that, aren't they? Especially in this country. Some are. You don't have power showers.

Do you have a power shower? No, we don't. I'm not happy with it. Does the temperature fluctuate? It's because it's... No, it's got one of these horrible things do you have a power shower no we don't I'm not happy with it does it does the temperature fluctuate it's because no it's got one of these horrible things where you have to turn the hot tap

all the way on then once that's as hot as it can be you then adjust the heat with the cold tap yes the problem is the space between

too cold for comfort and too hot it burns the skin burns the skin off is almost like you'd have to get the it's microscopically the hadron collider would have to measure...

Yeah, the distance. The distance to turn. It's a Planck scale. And I spend so much time in the shower turning this knob like a safe cracker. Trying to go, oh, come on, come on. But anyway, my shower has this issue where it just isn't hot enough.

No. For a long, long time. And then you get a big burst. Then you get the belief. Yeah. Because you've got to have that belief. You know you get a big burst. Then you get the belief. Yeah. Because you've got to have that belief. You know what I mean? You've got to have the belief, brother.

You've got to have that belief because sometimes, you know, you might think it's never going to get warmer. Never. But then it always does. About half an hour in when you're all shriveled.

Two. What's your third? Is it based in a shower? No. Good. But it is based in a bed. Oh. So your favourite sensations come in bed and in the shower

Basically all around that Yes Interesting So Yeah You haven't been very You've sort of agreed with these Yeah

It's such a strange topic I have no contrary position You must have a favourite non-sexual physical sensation Yes but No Which I'll say after I've gone Alright To my number one

Alright your number one On Eli's top three Is Getting into bed With your socks on say after I've gone to my number one. Alright, your number one. Top three. Getting into bed with your socks on and then taking your socks off. No, come on. That's nice.

I don't know. I mean, I get it. Honestly, that is... I think what makes it better is if you don't know you've gone to bed with your socks on, then when you realise your socks are on because your feet feel restricted, then you kick them off because you go like, and then your feet can breathe and you can stretch. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's a lovely sort of cooling feet, feet free.

Yeah. So that lovely breeze it gets over your new freshly shown toes. Yes. So that's my top. Right. My top three that aren't sexual. These are going to be stupid. No, I'll try and keep it in line.

It's just going to be... I mean, none of mine are shower-based. Well, that you've... Yeah. I mean, already you've lost me. Okay. Number three. Yeah.

The feeling you get after a really long poo. You know what I mean? I guess, yeah. You know when like, it's a particularly solid and lengthy passing. Right. It's a big, a big satisfying shit.

It was, yeah. Okay, I think we don't need to dwell on this. When your butthole is yawned its widest and then snipped it off and then retracted back into its natural state.

Cleanly. Yeah. Textbook, mate. Yeah. Okay. That sensation is really refreshing. I'll go with that. Number three.

Okay. A good, long, heavy, cleanly nipped off poo. Now, similarly speaking, number two is when you've been holding a pee in for so long. For whatever reason you're on the bus you're not close enough

to a toilet you don't want to do it in the street so you're modelling you're modelling as a life model yes that's happened probably to you

by the sound of things a nude life model you were a nude life model and you had to piss unfortunately I got a nickname Leaky Ken when I did it

and it was worth it it was worth it it was worth it anyway you finally get to the toilet you finally can pee and it's a long pee but it's so long

and satisfying that it gives you a tingle up the back and makes your teeth and makes your teeth tingle as well that kind of yeah

shiver no but that's the thing that people do shiver when they urinate it's actually a physiological thing they've studied but that shiver's quite nice I'll go with that when they urinate. It's actually a physiological thing they've studied. But that shiver's quite nice.

I'll go with that. You're doing well, Paul, here. Yeah. Number three is an interesting one. Well, number one. Number one is, it's when... You know, they say you can't tickle yourself. And you can't because of the way your body works.

Well, because you've got the conscious intention. And so you can't be surprised. I'll show you this because it's hard to explain. But sometimes what I like to do is I roll my sleeve up on one of my arms, right? Right. Okay. And then I raise my arm above my head, and then with my other hand, I'll just brush. Are you joking?

And it's like a little tingle if you brush your fingertips up and down your arm. You just brush your arm with your fingertips? It doesn't work all the time, but sometimes when you're in the right frame of mind, doing that is like really, ugh. I'm kind of regretting that I brought up this subject because it's like weird. Do you ever watch,

like when someone's asleep, do you ever just stand over them and watch? No, Paul, I don't. Because that would be creepy as fuck. I do that sometimes. No, you don't. I've done it when I stayed at yours. No, you didn't. I've done it when I stayed at yours. No, you didn't.

Yeah. I know that for a fact you didn't. How do you know? Because I am always vigilant. Fair enough. I'm a very light sleeper, actually. Yeah? Honestly, I wake up, drop of a hat.

Well, I won't wear a hat, though, when I go into your room. Well, your hat's very noisy. Anyway, there's my top three. Well, not as good as mine. No, but I came up with mine on the fly. I couldn't wear a hat, though, when I go into your room. Well, your hat's very noisy. Anyway, there's my top three. Well, not as good as mine. No, but I came up with mine on the fly. I couldn't think... Well done. I didn't have time.

And if you've enjoyed the top three, suggest another top three for us to do. Yes. And I'll do another Eli's Top Three that will be superior... Yes. ...in every way to Paul's terrible working-class taste. Oh, I'm dirty. Oh. terrible working class taste. What are you doing? Awful.

So we're doing a bit of an old school episode today. We're going to keep it simple. We've done top tips. We've done life hacks. They're not top tips. Top tips is from Viz. Yeah, top three.

Life hacks. Eli's top three. Yeah, Eli's top three. TM, copyright, whatever. Thank you. Eli's top three. TM, copyright. We've got that. And now we're going to do our old three, TM, copyright, whatever. Thank you. Eli's top three, TM, copyright. We've got that.

And now we're going to do our old favourite, The Price of Shite. It's The Price of Shite. And that's...

Let's do it. We've got two jingles now, haven't we? We've got that one, which I prefer, and then we've got Brass.

Shite. What is it? Which one do you prefer? That one. You're wrong! Fatty. All right. So, it is The Price of Sh do you prefer? That one. You're wrong! Fatty. Alright, so it is the Price of Shite and that's right.

It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. Thank you. So what have you got tonight on the Price of Shite? Tonight on the Price of Shite, Paul, I have three items.

Three items. Okay, what is item number one? And as usual, I simply want you to describe the item. Bought from charity shops as

per. Yes. Excellent. This is all very, very good. Okay. This is a good old school episode

today. I'm liking this. Feast your eyes on that. There it is. Item number one is fascinating. It is. I don't know.

Well, first of all, it looks like a Japanese-style tiny pot. Ceramic pot? Yes, but it's like, instead of it being mingled, like that kind of sharp blue and white, this is a bit more kind of toffee and blue. It's almost like nicotine stained, sort of off-white. And it's in a little beige. And it's on a card in its

plastic. Seems like it's got a bit of weight to it. It seems like it might have some kind of ointment in it, doesn't it? Shall we open it? And who's it made by there? I don't know. Del Prado. I don't know him. Now this is new, bought in a charity shop, and I don't know about you, Paul, but I'm very curious to get inside this and see what kind of pungent ungent or lotion.

Do you think it's a lotion in there? It might be. Why is it sealed? I don't know, because it looks to me like it's decorative pottery. Yes. It could be. We just don't know. It could simply be decorative pottery. Were there any other similar ones next to it to me like it's decorative pottery yes it could be we just don't know it could simply be

decorative pottery were there any other similar ones next to it or is it just this so you just don't you don't know what it is no so I'm going to open it now

wow I hope I don't really destroy the resale value of this I think you're going to have to take that risk okay so far I'm fascinated

with this I really am Del Prado it's on a disc shaped cardboard backing. I'm in now. Oh, there's a little piece of...

There's a little Del Prado gift tag. Let's have a little look at that. It's a silver tag. It's a very nice piece of cardboard, actually. It's textured. It tells you exactly what it is. Oh, what does it say? It's a porcelain trinket box.

Quality guaranteed porcelain trinket boxes, hand-finished collector's edition by the company Del Prado. Collection from their collection. And it's been paint signed. Oh. I wonder if this is a bargain. Oops, it's broken.

It's not broken. We're fine. It's just a little scuffed. So that is just a trinket. You knew what? I have to say it. That's a quality item. It's a quality item.

You're quite right. It's got a little bird underneath painted on. On the lid. It has a bird painted on the inside of the lid. These aren't painted on properly, though. These are transfers. They're transfers, are they? Yeah, you can tell.

You can tell they're transfers. Still. I mean, not complaining. It's a nice little bit. I can imagine you'll be putting I don't know cigarette tabs in there at some point

cigarette tabs what are they when you get to the end of the cigarette you can smoke it no more put the butts in there could use it as an ashtray or to keep

a precious ring you could put a precious ring some coins some coins in there a necklace drugs drugs very good for drugs very good because it's classy the police raiding your house You could put a pressure ink, some coins. Some coins in there. A necklace. Drugs. A little bag of green.

Very good for drugs. Very good, because it's classy. The police raiding your house wouldn't think to look in your decorative Chinese. They might think, oh, that's a ladies' thing. It's a trinket box. Yes. Mustn't look in there. No.

Must respect the privacy of Mrs. Silverman. Meanwhile, you've got your mescaline in there and your drugs. Other drugs. Other drugs. Available, yes. Okay, so. It's nice.ailable, yeah. Okay, so. It's nice. So, I need to price it.

Stop trying to dilly-dally. We need a price from it. Now, remember, it's pretty good quality. You got it from a charity shop? Just to update, I did get it from a charity shop. Do you not clean

with surgical spirit? Well, then I won't. Okay. I've been told. It will take the transfer off, obviously. What's it say on the near there? Fine't. Okay. I've been told. It will take the transfer off, obviously. What's it say on the underneath there?

Fine porcelain. Hand finished. Yeah, hand finished. My ass. I've been hand finished. Give me a quid. What? I mean, I've been decorative.

What? You slipped. You slipped up and made a wank joke. That wasn't a wank joke. Prove it. I've been hand shandied. You said that. I've been hand shandied, you said. I didn't say shandied.

I said... You've been hand finished. That is clearly a wank joke. No, it's not. I don't know what you mean. Right. I don't know. What a price.

Stop trying to... I'm going to say... I'm really quite impressed with that. I want to say... It's nice, isn't it? I've got an eye. First of all, I have to agree with you on something. So, you know, we've said, like, if you get it spot on, it's two points.

And we said if it's 50p either way, it's one point. And you said that's a bit too far a margin of error. It's way too wide for these kind of margins. 25p, I think you're right. So, 25p under or over. Yes. 50p in all. Yes.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to say this is 150. Okay. Okay. I like that. 150 for the decorative. A say this is 150. Okay. I like that. 150 for the decorative... Little decorative Chinese box. Now. Trinket box. This. Yes. Item number two.

Oh! It's a comedy character, M&M character. He's got a pilot's cap on. He has. Pilot's goggles. It's the little M&M character, sweet yellow guy, the doofus. And he seems to be in pain or existential terror. He's considered that

his life... He's screaming. He's crying or he's screaming. He's watching his friends being pulled out of a bag and munched on by an eight-year-old to the birthday party. He seems very unhappy, doesn't he? Yeah. And he looks like he's maybe fallen on his butt. He has. His bum. But the thing is, I'm guessing this was a lid to something,

like a tube of M&M's. And so what that suggests now to me is that a tube of M&M's has been shoved right up his arse. That's why he's fine. And that's why he's like, that's his, oh, my arse face. I don't know, because the goggles suggest to me that he's jumped out of an airplane and broke his arse. Oh.

Landing. Like his egg has split, and that's blood. That's not a little stand. There's a little stand, we should say, ladies and gentlemen, that's made of red plastic, which I thought was the lid. But actually, as you point out, it might be all the blood pouring out of his broken arsehole. Well, it'd be pouring out in a weird sort of straight-edged way. Yeah. Maybe he's sitting in a sink.

It's a terrible piece. It's a terrible piece. It's a terrible piece. Useless, pointless. I can't think of why you'd... I mean, look, it wanted to stop being a lid for something. It's not even effective as a toy. It's just...

It's got a terrible, cheap vibe to it, doesn't it? If you're a student, you might have it on a shelf in a wacky way. But that's the thing. With these M&Ms, they're trying to sort of push them

as like funny cartoon characters. Does anyone buy it? No. Does anyone find them charming? No. Do you know what I mean? No. I don't understand.

I don't find them charming. I get it. While we're on the topic of adverts. Oh, yeah. Have you seen? Yeah. The new Tesco print ads? No.

Where it's like, Jimmy's Friday night special chicken tandoori or whatever. I've not seen them. Basically, you've got a picture of a normal person. Yeah. With a dish. And it's their dish. Yeah, it's their signature dish. And so it's like, Edward's being good tonight falafels.

It's like, Eli fucking hates you and everything. And you're fucking cod, cod sort of chummy, folksy fucking ad. Do you know what I mean? It's Hillary's, oh, naughty tonight. Yeah. It's John's, oh, naughty tonight. Yeah. Chicken, it's, oh, it's John's,

oh, there's never enough for two. Fucking spag bol. Do you know what I mean? It's a chummy, the whole fucking tone of it. It's like, because no one,

we're real people who have real funny little dishes that we make and we're not like killing the world by fucking getting loads of animals and putting them in cages.

I'm going to say that's a quid. Okay, quid for the M&M. And you ready for the last item? Yes, I am. Oh. It makes a rattling sound. Here it is.

Oh, yeah. It's a cheap version of those toys that were popular in the 90s that were like a bed of nails. Was it the 90s? Wasn't it the 80s? Maybe 80s. But yeah. There must be an official word for one of these. I think it's just an executive toy, isn't it?

That's what they call them. It's a type of executive toy where they have a bed of nails in a sort of... And whatever you put underneath the bed of nails. A frame. Yeah. And it mimics the shape. Yeah. If you press up...

You know what I'm talking about, reader. People know. It's going to be picked on our web... It doesn't matter. Someone might be reading the transcript. They might be. A blind person invented something as we found out last episode. Right.

Anyway, yes, it's a matrix-y version of whatever you put underneath. Yes, which I think was so kind of popular back in the day when these came out. It was such a new sort of thing. Because there were metal pins back then, and you had like a quality item. Yeah, this is a cheap one, and it's very small as well, so you can't really represent a lot in it, can you? No.

And let's do my face. That's always a good thing. That's a good one. Oh, even that looks sad. Oh, there's your nose. There's the nose. Your big nose. And my eyebrows in there.

Yeah. I want to now press my balls against it. Oh, it's another quid. I need another now press my balls against it. Oh, my dear. That's another quid. I need another quid. That's not a quank joke. It may. It is.

Anyway. I just want to see what my balls look like when you press the pins on them. Basically, this was so new. I'm lowering the tone this week. You really are.

Sorry. You always are. So, I like that. I like the orange pins. I like the orange and black. When it came out, it was such a big deal

that they put it in music videos and stuff. Yes. Do you remember that? All the time you'd see it in like fucking Brother Beyond. Yeah, space-aged. This is the best of the future we could think of. It's just a weird toy. Basically, everyone...

It's a novelty item and everyone's got sick of it by now. And this one is unusual in that it's orange. Yeah, I like the orange colour. I like the kind of neon orange look it's got. I want to put a lighter underneath it. Okay, put a lighter in. See if it gets any detail. No.

It just looks like a chip. It's terrible. But still, look at the lid to this. What will it do to the smooth lid? It's just a shame. It loses a little bit. Let's do it to the M&M. Put it in his stupid fucking face. No, that doesn't work at all. It doesn't work at all. He's too bulbous. It's just a shame. It loses a little bit. Let's do it to the M&M. Put it in his stupid fucking face.

No, that doesn't work at all. It doesn't work at all. He's too bulbous. That's terrible. Maybe his foot. No. So, none of these successfully really... Doesn't really work.

No. I mean, maybe you'd need smaller pins spread across so you get more... It's just... It's not a very good item. It's nice, though. I like it. Do you? You can have it.

There's your face. Here's my nose. It works best for a face, doesn't it? It does work best for the face. Does it work with keys? I've got some keys here. Oh, kind of. Yeah, it does work with the keys, doesn't it?

That's kind of cool. Yeah. You like this item, don't you? It's all right. All right, cool. Well, my favourite... I mean, look... What's your favourite of the three, though?

It's tricky. I like the tactile nature of this one. Because you can play with it. There must be an official name for these things. Pin cushion... It's not pin cushion, is it? No. Pin replicator.

Shape replicator. Pin stand. Pin box. Face pin box. You don't see executive toys these days, do you? Well, there'll be new ones every few years. Yeah, like Newton's Cradle. Have you seen the Newton's Cradle with the lights up?

No. That's pretty snazzy. So it lights up once it's lit, like an LED. And then when it goes to the other side, the other one lights up. Well, that guy, Tim, from Grand Illusions on YouTube, he does all those kind of fucking toys, doesn't he? He'd know what this is called. He would.

Oh, Tim, we need you. We need you. We need you, Tim. So, what is your favourite item? I'm really torn between the little pot and the pin thing. Okay. I like that because it's a lovely little pot. It's a lovely little pot.

Yeah. So, it's a lovely thing. Price. What did I say for that? I said... £1.50. And then I said £1 for that. And what are you going to say for the last item?

Oh, see, this looks like it's a bit costly. This looks like, you know, someone wouldn't I would say £3. £2. Don't try and read my face. Bad enough I have to look at it anyway. Look.

I'm going to say £2. Final answer? £2. I think I've grossly overp Final answer? £2. Okay. I think I've grossly overpriced some of these. So. So. The Chinese box. Hand-finished Chinese ceramic box was?

Yeah. 50p. I was pound over there. No points there. That's a real good bargain for 50p. Yeah. All right. I like that.

50p. No points. No points so far. No. Moving on to the crying M&M. Crying M&M. alright I like that 50p no points moving no points so far no moving on to the crying M&M crying M&M

it's the wailing M&M I like that you said it's like Munch's scream but an M&M an M&M yeah no no no

an M&M no no no how much is it you said I said one pound it was 50p

no points there no points there I've grossly over-evaluated these you certainly have and I said two pound for that and now

you're going to say it was one pound 50 it was 50p 50p you like it don't you mate you went to a magical

charity shop 50p yes and I I went I picked them out yeah and I went up to the lady because there's no there was no price tags on them no All three were 50p, yes. And I picked them out. Yeah. And I went up to the lady because there was no price tags on them. No.

And I said, how much are these? She went 50p each. She just sort of glanced at them and said 50p each. So you can get away with murder. Murder, you can. And I was like, really? That's going to be a bit boring. I was like, you sure?

Can't you make 175 or something? You could have lied. It's all about the truth. I don't want to be spreading fake news. Fake news. Okay. Hashtag. This isn't the home of fake news.

No, it's not. This is the home of really, really pointless stuff. Yes, this is the home of a... But at least it's truthful. ...monsensical news. Yeah. That's really good. I mean, to be honest...

It's a good little haul. Good little haul. £1.50 the whole lot. It's great there are so many disenfranchised, broken people working in charity shops. Because we can get bargains like this because of them. If you go into a charity shop and you see something you really like, and the person behind the counter looks really depressed, you can probably get a really good bargain with a bit of bantering with them.

So that's our top tip. Okay, and that was the prize of Shide. It was. Nil points. Pollocks. So you know before on the show, on the podcast,

I've sometimes said, oh, that's like messy like a Collier's Mansion and then you go, oh, we've heard Collier's Mansion before and all this stuff. Yes.

I'm going to go into that now because I thought we'd go down the rabbit hole of the Collier's Mansion. Is it a hole or is it a house? Collier's Mansion is mansion is what well it's become shorthand for firefighters in america to use as a term to describe a house that is literally full of crap right stuck with a hoarder's house it's yeah you can't move because there's stuff everywhere and the reason why it's called

collier's mansion is for the reasons i'm going to tell you now. I'll give you the pre-see, because we've got to go down the Wikipedia rabbit hole with this one, a little bit. Here's basically the gist of it. Homer Lusk Collier was born 1881, died in 1947. Just a bit of information for you there.

And Langley Wakeman Collier. Back then, names were great. People were literally called Fuck. Whatever. Yeah. Fuck Smith. Oh, do you know what? I saw someone with an amusing name the other day.

Go on. Harsh Gore. Ooh. Describes a violent movie, perhaps. Yeah, but their first name was Harsh. Their second name was Gore. They should be in an action film. Eight Minutes to Midnight with Harsh Gore playing Jim Stab.

Yeah, so people used to be called Bastard. As a first name? Yeah. And there was someone who died in that period who was called Jennifer Nasty Rosenthal. I like that. Yeah, so. All right, sweet. So anyway, Homer and Langley Collier, known as the Collier brothers.

Langley's all right, isn't he? It's all right. It's a bit of a second name as a first name, isn't All right, sweet. So anyway, Homer and Langley Collier, known as the Collier brothers. Langley's all right, isn't he? It's all right. It's a bit of a second name as a first name, isn't it? Langley. Yeah. Isn't it a name of a place as well? King's Langley. Either way.

Langley. Okay, so they're brothers. I might call my child Langley. You will never call your child Langley. Come here, Langley Gannon. Oh, that's right. You're helping me, don't you, son? Right, you hate me.

Langley Gannon. That's awful. So, you've got Homer. You've got Langley Gannon. Oh, that's right. You hate me, don't you, son? Right, you hate me. Langley Gannon. That's awful. So, you've got Homer. You've got Langley. Right. So, two American brothers who were infamous for their bizarre natures and compulsive hoarding. For decades, the two lived in seclusion at their Harlem brownstone at 2078 Fifth Avenue, at the corner of 128th Street, should you wish to go.

Okay. Not that I know if it's there anymore. Because back then, Harlem was a place where lots of rich people liked to... Oh, was it rich? Yeah, and then I think they brought the prices down, and then it became... A famous black neighbourhood. Yes.

Okay. So these are white men. These are very, very white men. Rich white men. They were obsessively collecting books in their house, furniture, musical instruments, and a myriad of other items. That's alright. They had booby traps set up in the corridors and hallways to ensnare trooders.

They're not so cool. No, and in March 1947, both were found dead in their home, surrounded by over 140 tonnes of collected items that had amassed over several decades. Since the 1960s, the site of the former Collier household has been a pocket park named for the brothers. I do not know what a pocket park is. I'd say it's probably a small park, probably pocket sized. It's sort of just where the house is. Yeah.

Where the house was. That makes sense. I guess. Did they tear it down because it was full of stinkies? It might have been, yeah. It might have been a place where it was easier to tear it down than it would have been to... You see, you say they, you know, they hoarded have been, yeah. It might have been a place where it was easier to turn it down than it would have been to... You see, you say they hoarded musical instruments,

furniture. Yeah. That sounds alright. I mean, that's like collecting, isn't it? I mean, you could... Magazines, newspapers. Now, once you get into newspapers, I mean, that's useless. There is no use to yesterday's newspapers. No, there's absolutely none at all. Not in this... Well, but in that day and age, they

didn't have digital files, did they? No, they didn't. So if you wanted to store all your collection of New York Times, you'd have to find the room. Which they obviously did. Many rooms in their house. You know what's interesting as well is that Collier means coal miner. This fucking app, by the way, this tablet.

Oh, Paul. I tried to download one thing and now it won't work. It keeps on saying, oh, you can't use this website because you've got to unload a load of apps. That was completely fine until yesterday when I actually want to use the fucking thing. So I'm going to use my phone. So say something witty for a minute while I get this on my phone. I already did that when you checked the sausage. I couldn't commit much to the moment just then because I was too busy pressing buttons on my app.

And I feel like I'm letting the show down. You are. Because I'm distracted. Honestly, this bit has been totally weak. Really, really weak. I know, but we're getting to an interesting part. Okay. All right?

Yes. So anyway, let's just get back onto it. I've got it on my phone now. So, seclusion and hoarding after their mother's death. All these stories begin like that. After someone's death. It's traumatic. They lose someone and then they don't want to lose anything ever again.

They get dirty though. When do you go from being sad to being dirty? Oh, I'm so sad. Papa has passed on. I won't wash. I shan't wash. Actually, I shouldn't take the piss because I've been depressed and not washed for a fortnight. Yeah.

Come on, man. We've all been there. Yeah, we have. I've been sad and then out of the way. And then you just... Then I'm dirty. And then you just lie in it. I don't lie in it.

Yeah, because you've done it on your back. How would I wank on my back? You're lying on your back. Oh, I thought you meant like onto my back. No, although that is a great trick if you can do it. What's that called? A loop-de-loop?

No, it's called a Tom Cruise's cocktail. You chuck it over your back and you catch it in your butt crack. That was quite well thought out. Thank you. So, after their mother's death,

the Collier brothers continued to live together in their Harlem brownstone house that they inherited. I believe they were quite rich at this point. Didn't they have to work then? Well, they had a family and they had an education,

according to this Wikipedia article that goes on for hundreds of words. So all you need to know is that they were quite a well-off family. Yeah. And the mother, Susie, died in 1929, right, leaving everything to the brothers, Homer and Langley. Langley. Langley. For the next four years, the brothers socialised with others

and left their home on a regular basis. So, so far... They were the next four years their brothers socialised with others and left their home on a regular basis. So, so far they were normal. Sounding happy. They're getting on with it. They're sad but they haven't got dirty yet.

No, they're just getting on with it. They've got friends who have been like come out with us Langley and Homer and Homer let's have a lovely

little drink. Forget about your mother's painful long death. Homer continued to practice law while Langley worked as a piano dealer.

I've got some pianos for you. Some good shit. Sniff that. Oh, I can smell the ivory on that, can't I?

I can smell the ivory. That's a Norwegian ivory. That's a Norwegian ivory. Norwegian elephants. Yeah, right. They're quite rare,

aren't they? it's quite a costly, that. It's a costly little piano. Yeah, it's costly. How much do you want for it? I can give you two bags. Tinkle, tinkle. Tinkle, it's way too costly, that. It's a costly little piano. Yeah, it's costly. How much do you want for it? I can give you two bags.

Tinkle, tinkle. Tinkle, tinkle. You want some tinkle, tinkles? Tickle me ivories, you know what I mean, son? I do believe we're not doing this very serendipitously. No, that's not even a word. Serendipitously, Louie? We're not doing this very quietly, are you?

You've dragged out two pianos into the high street. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I can't buy these illegal pianos when everyone can see me purchasing them on the high street waiting for 30 minutes so he was a piano dealer yeah uh both also taught at sunday school at the trinity church in 1933 so they were religious sunday schools for religious stuff

isn't it yeah it's god day at school god day yeah monday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. God Day. We all love God Day. Wow. And then they changed it to Sunday when they realised the sun came out. No. That's why night times for ages were called night days. No, they weren't. So it would be Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night.

It was in fact Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night. Friday night. Friday night. And then Sunday night. That's what used to happen. It used to be Sunday and then sun night. That's what used to happen. It used to be Sunday and then sun night.

Monday and Monday night. You're spouting endless garbage. It's true. Look it up on the internet. I wonder how

many dickheads now will actually go online. No one, because you didn't make a very convincing case for your

two nights. Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow about this on Monday night. In 1933, Homer lost his eyesight due to hemorrhaging in the back of his eyes. Oh, fun.

Langley quit his job to care for his brother and the two began to withdraw. They began, well, they care about each other because, you know, that's all they've got left in the world. So, Homer's blind now. Or very lost sight, yeah, due to his eyes going pop. So, why does he want to hoard stuff if he can't even see it?

What's the point of the newspapers now for him? Well, maybe he doesn't know where he's putting stuff down. So, he's losing track. Possibly, yeah. Yeah, that's one way of looking at it. Let's have a look. Langley quits his job to care for his brother and the two begin to withdraw. So, they're getting a bit close now. They're not going out. No. Langley! Your brother can't see his penis and wishes to begin to withdraw. So they're getting a bit close now. They're not going out. No.

Langley, your brother can't see his penis and wishes to thrash it. Can you find it for me? I'll jack it for you, Homer. Thank you, Langley. Like this? That's sufficient. Like this?

Sufficient enough. Jacking it hard? And I'm nearly there. Ooh. Tip top. Oh. See you later. Have we done a wank joke Paul?

We have done a wank joke. I don't know how we're getting listeners for any of this honestly. Are they still listening?

Whatever. So anyway as time progressed the brothers became fearful due to changes in the neighbourhood. You know what that

means. Johnny foreigner was coming into the colour moving into Harlem. Is that what it is? Colours and ethnicities and

racism and styles and types. And they were like looking out their window and saying, No! We're racist. As well as incestuous in our version. You can't see it, but there are men of colour outside. Doesn't matter, Langley. Just jack me off.

Again? Oh, I need it all the time. The sweet, sweet jacking. But I'm too busy being racist. Oh, right. That was because of the Great Depression that caused a lot of things to change. The socio-economical growth and movement.

Yeah, socio-demographic movement. Either way. There was changes happening in that part of the country. So more African-Americans moved into the once empty apartment houses that were built nearby on the projected subway route. Okay. So there was going to be a subway. And then they couldn't afford to and so housing was built

and then no jobs and nowhere to travel. But Harlem these days is all gentrified and she-she isn't it? I don't know. I've not been. I'd like to visit. When later asked why the two chose to shut themselves off from the world, Langley simply replied,

We don't want to be bothered. Fair enough. Leave us the fuck alone. I can peer out of my window perfectly well, and Homer needs jacking. He's just a jacking machine. He's just a jacking machine, and he won't jack for nobody but me.

Ooh, I've got some papers there. Ooh, look at my instruments. As rumours about their brother's unconventional lifestyle began to spread through Harlem, crowds began to congregate outside of their house. Why? This is an era before digital media, Paul. So instead of Twitter, they just go,

let's stand outside the Collier's Mansion and go, you can't see in your jacket. You've got lots of papers. This is thrilling. Homer, let's go to the window and jack out the window. No, God, can you stop with the jacking? Sounds like New Jack City. Nicely done, I guess, if I knew.

Isn't New Jack City set in LA? No, I think it's New York. We're very white. Well, it's the whole... Have you seen King of New York? The Kings of New York? No. The Scorsese film?

No, King of New York. Christopher Walken, gangster film. Not in a very long time. It's very good. It's very good. It's very good. Why, I just gotta. Christopher Walken.

Oh, my God. Hey, I'm Christopher Walken. The attention caused by the... I can't do that. why I just gotta Christopher Watkin oh my god hey I'm Christopher Watkin the attention caused by the I can't do that I won't do that so anyway

this attention caused the brothers fears to increase along with their you can see how that makes you paranoid there's a bunch of people just watching

your house Homer they're still there yeah can I jack it no you've become really boring since you went blind.

Homer's just, yeah, well he's blind already so he can't, he doesn't face that danger that they associate with masturbation in that period. He's like, Homer, you'll go blind. I am blind. I'm jacking it hard. It doesn't matter. Well, you know, once you pop you just can't stop. My eyes popped off anyway.

Yeah, what worse can happen? The wind will change and my face will stay like this. Hairy palms. Well, yeah. But then you're blind so you can't stop. My eyes popped off anyway. Yeah, what worse can happen? The wind will change and my face will stay like this. Hairy palms. Well, yeah. But then you're blind, so you can't see it. Hairy palms would be quite good. Would it? Yeah.

What would you use hairy palms for? Jacking it. Oh, God. We need to move off the jacking it material. Well, excuse me, Paul. We need to move off the jacking it material. So, teenagers would throw rocks at their windows, so they boarded up their windows.

After unfounded rumours spread throughout the neighbourhood that the brothers' home contained valuables and large sums of money, several people attempted to burgle the house. So now it's become a bit like that Wes Craven film, The People Under the Stairs. Was there burglary in that? Yeah. People break into this house

thinking there's money there but then they get trapped in a house full of tortures and horrors yeah it's quite good that isn't it it's quite good

so Langley uses engineering skills to construct booby traps and tunnels amongst a collection of items and trash that was beginning to fill their house

wow so now he's thinking what this place needs a little bit of Indiana Jones-ing up wow so the houses became a maze of boxes, complicated tunnel systems, including junk and trash rigged with tripwires. Wow.

Homer and Langley lived in nests created amongst the debris that was piled to the ceiling. That must have been crazy. Like the ultimate den. Yeah, it's the ultimate den. Wow. Can you imagine just having this whole room we're in right now stacked with books and magazines and boxes and crap and toys? And there's tripwires, so when people come in, it all collapses on them.

You know what this has reminded me of? I was talking to my friend last night, Virgil. We used to make webs out of cassette tapes. I'm glad that ended with the cassette tapes line. Jacket, jacket, jacket, wanking! Me and Virgil used to make sticky webs. It was a very interesting thing. Funnily enough, like Homer, I'd close my eyes, and then

Virgil would reach down into my certain special place. We'd take a bunch of cassettes. Then he would jostle my ding-dong until all of a sudden sticky white Spider-Man webs would fly out of my pants, and we'd pretend to swing on it, and then Virgil would say mmm tastes nice Eli

you should taste this too and then he gets his ding dong out and then you're jacking it and splashing it and all of a sudden you're tired on the floor

cuddling crying wondering what you do tomorrow Paul Gannon who died today we used to yeah make

webs sort of like indoor installations. Like we're all hooking tapes onto everything. What a waste of tape. I know. But that just makes you think how much tape there was lying around back then. So much tape. You could probably wrap the planet up in tape.

They were so... The era of tapes. It's coming back. That's what we've got being started on this. Yeah. But it's just stupid, isn't it? What? Are we going to do it? It's not stupid then. Yeah, it's not. Shut up. That's what we got started on this. Yeah. But it's just stupid, isn't it? What? Are we going to do it?

It's not stupid then. Yeah, it's not. Shut up. That's good. Cassettes are cool, everyone. Yeah, cassettes are coming back, daddy-o. Langley spent the majority of his time tinkering with various inventions, such as a device to vacuum the insides of pianos and Model T Fords,

adapted to generate electricity. It's a bit specific, isn't it? It's very specific, but he basically invented the Dust Buster, which is all right. Yeah, but why would it have to be a Model T Ford? Couldn't it do other cars? No, that's probably the only car anyone had back then. Okay. Because it was like iPhones.

Everyone had that one. Yeah. And the competition was shit. I've got a Model T. I don't. I have a Q. It's a knockoff. Yeah.

So he invented... That's good. Is this Homer? No, this is Langley. Because Homer can't see. Langley, I've invented something. No, you haven't. I have.

Look, you can't see. I've invented an ice cream machine. No. No, brother Homer. You've put a fork in a frog. Now, Paul, are you suggesting that someone who can't see can't be an inventor? I am. That is very discriminatory.

Name me a blind inventor. There you go. I've proved my point. There was... Go on. Wilkes. Wilkes. Wilkes.

Wilkes. What did he invent? He invented a device for turning pages on a braille machine. Yeah. Because blind people can't turn pages. He was known as the Blind Edison. Yeah. I've made it up.

I've made that up. You haven't. I bet there is a blind inventor. I bet there is. Okay, Google. Oh, God. We should do it every time. Blind inventors.

Seven life-changing inventions by blind inventions. Thank you very much, Dick Ward. Let me read this. Right. Helen Keller. Dr. James Gale invented a new way of mixing and storing gunpowder, so it made it very effective in warfare. Blind guy.

There you go. He invented something that kills people. So, no, not counting that. It's still an invention. No. William Moon invented a unique reading system for the blind, which is based on Roman... That's who I meant. Wilkes. Its other name is Wilkes Wilkes. No, it's not. William Moon invented a unique reading system for the blind which is based on Roman... That's who I meant.

Wilkes. Its other name is Wilkes Wilkes. No, it's not. William Moon is not informally known as Wilkes Wilkes. It says informal Wilkes Wilkes. No. And then it says

the Edison of the blind Edison. It doesn't. He was blind and he invented the Moon system of embossing reading which is still apparently widely used today.

I don't believe that. So this is for making braille? Louis Braille. What did he invent? used today. I don't believe that. So this is for making Braille? Louis Braille. What did he invent? Dunno. Invented Braille. All right, fair enough. Ralph Titor.

What did Ralph Titor invent? He invented a common automotive feature known as cruise control. Lazy blind people don't want to put their foot down to drive. They shouldn't be driving anyway.

You're entirely wrong. Because you're blind. So, but it was Langley who was inventing the dust demon. And Mohannad Jibrel Aboula he has created

more than 20 patterns and inventions to his name but his most popular creation to date is a submarine that can go 5,625 metres

below sea level. It doesn't tell you there though that all he did was sit in a tube and went, I'm under the sea! No, you're not, mate. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm under the sea. You're blindest. I am blindest. I think this has brought out some... James... James and Michael... James The and Michael Curran. They invented...

James The? That's his name. James T-H-E. No, he's not. James and Michael Curran. Well, maybe they... All right, maybe it's not James The. That's a typo. No, it's not. James and Michael... Well, maybe they... All right, maybe it's not James, though. That's a typo.

No, it's called The. Oh, hello, this is John and... Bobby Bud. Yeah. Well, Bobby... No, Bud is a name, isn't it? All right. You keep...

No, it says The and Corrin. So it must be a surname. Invented a useful voice-to-speech system known as DVDA. That's the most ridiculous name. Cursed with blindness and you don't like his name. And Sam Jensky,

he created a device that magnifies and projects text onto video screens. And he was blind. So, Paul. I'm not impressed. You're wrong. Do more. You were wrong.

Impress me. So, Homer could have been inventing. He could have been. But it wasn't. It was Langley who did the dust devil. Right. So, Langley can did the Dust Devil. Right. So Langley can clock... So he tended to Homer's death,

played him sonatas and piano recitals. That's very nice. Sonatas. Sonatas. Sonatas. He bathed his brother. Did Frank Sinatra go around there? Yeah, he did.

That's life. That's all the people say. Stack up papers and instruments today So yeah Read him literature Played piano Tended to his health They spaved him Yuck it

He concocted a diet for his brother Consisting of 100 oranges a week Black bread Peanut butter Nice Claiming that this regime was helping cure the blindness Well of 100 oranges a week, black bread, peanut butter. Nice. Claiming that this regime was helping cure the blindness. Well, unlikely, but still not bad.

I like black bread. Do you like black bread? Never had it. Very malty. I can imagine it would be. I'm sure it's quite nice, though. It's malty bread. What else?

Our later Homer became paralysed due to an inflammatory rheumatism. Wow, he really didn't have any luck. No, I can't reach it,umatism. Wow, he really didn't have any luck with the... No, I can't reach it, Langley brother. No, he really couldn't. Now you have to stroke it for brother Homer. Poor guys. I'll use the hoover. I'll use

the dust devil. I'll suck up your jackrod. The brothers feared that if Homer sought medical attention, doctors would cut his optic nerve leaving him permanently blind and would give him drugs that would hasten his death.

So now they were paranoid. They were paranoid about going to the doctor. Yeah. So he's basically sitting there cocooned in this nest of shit. Yeah.

Just unable to move with Langley hoovering bits of pianos. They're like those cunts who are online never leave their flat and go chemtrails chemtrails

inoculation we'll kill our kids and give everyone autism. I like those cunts who are online, never leave their flat and go, chemtrails, chemtrails, inoculation will kill our kids and give everyone autism. Yeah. They're those fucking freaks now. Yeah. Who listen to a lot of Alex fucking Jones or whatever that cunt's name is. Nuts. Nuts guy.

Langley Collier, later told a reporter, you must remember, we're the sons of doctors. We have a medical library of over 15,000 bucks in the house. We decided we would not call any doctors, you see, because we knew too much about medicine. They are cranks. That's the same guy who went, I did not want to get my dying child any help because I have WebMD. And I went on to there and found out my kid did not have cancer,

but merely the sniffles. He's dead now. Langley would then only venture out of the house at midnight. He would walk miles all over the city to get food, sometimes going as far as Williamsburg in Brooklyn. Probably very far. That's quite far. He would pick out food of the garbage,

anything being thrown out by grocers and butchers, he would bring that back home as well if he's going through the bins now. He's thrifty. Very thrifty. Doing a bit of night thrifting. He's thrifty, thrifty, very, very thrifty. He's very thrifty. Thank you. He also collected countless pieces of abandoned

items and trash aroused his interest. He's beginning to sound like you. Trash does not arouse my interest. It does slightly. A little bit. By the early 1930s, the Collier Brothers' brownstone house had fallen into disrepair. Their phone was disconnected in 1917 and never reconnected.

The brothers said they had no one they wanted to talk to anyway. We don't want phone. Phone can fuck off. Yes. We have our own system of pulleys. Yes. They probably had a little pulley system in their nest. They eventually had all their electricity, gas and water

turned off in 1928 because they just didn't want to pay the bills. They could afford it. They just didn't want to. Again, it reminds me of the of Scrooge. Yeah. He was like that. Again, it reminds me of Scrooge. Yeah. He was like that, wasn't he? Oh, like that Meggett guy. Yeah.

When we talked about him. John Meggett. They took to warming the large house using only a small kerosene heater. For a time, Langley attempted to generate electricity by means of a car engine. Langley would fetch their water from a pump by a nearby park.

They were nuts. They were nuts. And their only link to the outside world was via a crystal radio that Langley made. It's handy. That they could only get Fox and Friends on. That's not a radio show. No. But back then on the radio it probably was. Right before TV.

It was like, hello, welcome to Fox and Chaps. Are you a darkie? No, we don't like you here. Bring us your poor, your needy. But not you. But not you. But not you. You've got all political on this all of a sudden, Paul.

Getting angry about the state of the world we're living in. Really am. I look at all the fat cats and the fucking people in power and I go, how have we put them there? How have we put them there? Because we have. No, we have. Not you and me, Evan.

Did you vote? Yes. Then we had a hand to play. Whether you like it or not. You can vote? Yes. Then we had a hand to play. Whether you like it or not. You can vote for them. Doesn't matter. The common political message is such that little by little, cut by cut, we think we're getting a better service.

We're getting the hard but fair treatment. But we're not. We're making it easier for the rich to get what they want and harder for the poor to get what they need. All right? All right. So with that in mind. Let's go back to the story.

Would you like the jacket? Alright? Alright. So, with that in mind... Let's go back to the story. Would you like to jack it? Anyway, neighbours and shopkeepers in the area described Langley as a genuinely polite man. Yeah, he sounds alright. And rational.

And then added, oh, we meant crazy. A reporter who interviewed Langley in 1942 described him as a soft-spoken old gentleman who had a liking for privacy and spoke in low, polite and a cultivated voice. Bosh. So yes, very much like the voice I've been doing this whole playlet. I think that's very good. His appearance, however, was dishevelled. He sported a droopy moustache, wore a 1910 boating cap and his tatted clothes were often held together by pins.

While Langley Collier ventured out of the house and occasionally interacted with people Homer had not been seen or heard from since he went blind and retreated from the world in 1933. Langley was fiercely protective over Homer and would not allow anyone to see or speak to him. When he caught neighbours attempting to peek into their windows from a neighbouring house, Langley bought the property and then kicked them out. Wow. He's hardcore. Homer, someone's looking in. Buy it.

Fucking throw them out. They really are. Yeah, and they bought it for $7,500. It was a proper investment. Yeah. Well, they had the money. Yeah. When a small fire broke out in the home...

Well, it's probably quite useful to put some newspapers in there as well. Well, apparently not because when a small fire broke out in the home... Well, it's probably quite useful to put some newspapers in there as well. Well, apparently not. Because when a small fire broke out in 1941, Langley refused to let firemen in. You've got a fire, mate! No! Can we come in?

We need two minutes. We'll put it out. No! They probably had their own... He probably invented some kind of sluicing system. And look, I'll show you it now. There's a little picture there of the house. Crikey.

It's just a mess. Like, you can tell it's quite an opulent looking house. But it's just piled with shit. And books. And tat. And God knows what. And there's an expensive chandelier. It looks really musty.

So, in the... Now, Homer Collier's death. March 21st, 1947. An anonymous tipster who described himself only as Charles Smith phoned the police precinct and insisted there was a dead body in the Collier's house. How did he know? We just don't know. We'll never know.

We'll never know. What was he doing? How did he get in? Don't know. The caller claimed that the smell of decomposition was emanating from the house. As the police were used to calls from neighbours about the Collier brothers, a patrol officer was dispatched.

Check it out. It's that cunt again. He's got a bit of a stinky house. Let's check it out. Check out the stinky house. As the police were used to calls, the responding officer initially had a difficult time getting into the house. There was no doorbell or telephone and the doors were locked. And though the basement windows were broken, they were protected by iron grill work.

An emergency squad of seven men eventually had no choice but to begin pulling out all of the junk that was blocking the corridor, letting them into the house. Right. So it started. Yes. The invasion. Yes, the brownstone's foyer was packed solid by a wall of newspapers, folding beds and chairs, half a sewing machine, boxes, a wine press, various junk. A wine press is great. We'll never leave the house again to get pissed. We can just bring it all in here. Handy. A patrolman finally broke through a window in the second-story bedroom, and behind this window lay, amongst other things, more packages and newspaper bundles. Wow. Wow. piled to the ceiling. What? Homer was wearing a tattered blue and white bathrobe, his matted grey hair reached his shoulders,

and his head was resting on his knees. Wow. He died trying to suck his dick. No, he didn't. The medical examiner confirmed Homer's identity and said that the elder brother had been dead for approximately 10 hours. Okay. So he's still beforehand, probably, as a result.

According to a medical examiner, Homer died from starvation and heart disease. Police initially suspected that Langley Collier was the man who phoned in the anonymous tip regarding his brother's death and theorised that he had fled the house before the police arrived. It was later discovered that a neighbour called the police based on a rumour he'd heard. The police officer was posted outside the home to wait for Langley, but he never arrived. The police officer was posted outside the home to wait for Langley, but he never arrived. Police began to suspect Langley was dead after he had failed to attend Homer's funeral on April 1st.

Well, he probably thought it was a joke, didn't he? It was April. He goes, oh, Langley, your brother's died. His funeral's on April 1st. Oh, you nearly had me then. Yeah. You nearly had one then. But I know, no, not on April 1st. He never had a sense of humour.

He certainly didn't. No. After the discovery of Homer Collier's body, rumours began circulating that Langley had been seen abroad. No, not abroad. Aboard a bus heading for Atlantic City. Of all places. A manhunt happened in New Jersey.

So they suspected him of murder as well. Yeah. They suspected that he killed his brother or let him die. Well, he died of starvation. You can't murder someone by starvation, can you? So they suspected him of murder as well. Yeah. They suspected that he killed his brother or let him die and then fled. Well, he died of starvation. You can't murder someone by starvation, can you? Well, if you've got an invalid brother and you purposely don't feed him, that's probably man's daughter at best, right?

Yeah. Either way. Police continue to enter the house, removing 3,000 books, outdated phone books, a horse's jawbone, a piano, an x-ray machine,

more bundles of newspaper. After 19 tons of junk removed, 19 tons of shit was moved from the ground floor. The ground floor of the house. The police continued to clear away the brother's stockpile for another week, removing another 84 tons of rubbish from the house on the next few floors. Although a good deal of junk came from their father's medical practice, a considerable portion was discarded items

collected by Langley over the years. Approximately 2,000 people stood outside the home to watch the clean-up effort. Again, it's great entertainment. They've got it now, haven't they? They've got it now. Hoarders. Yeah. Check out the TV show Hoarders if you want to go, what the fuck, and vomit in your mouth.

So, in April 8th 1947 A workman found the body Of Langley Collier Ten feet From where Homer had died It took him a week To find his brother They didn't know he was there He was in

He was ten feet away In some At the end of some Kind of little tunnel Well Langley was found In a two foot Wide tunnel Lying with rusty bed springs and a chest of drawers.

His decomposing body, which was the actual source of the smell reported by the anonymous tipster, had been partially eaten by rats. Oh, lovely. He was covered in a suitcase, bundles of newspaper, and three metal bread boxes.

The medical examiner determined that Langley had died around March 9th. Police therefore theorised that Langley was crawling through the tunnel to bring food to his paralysed brother when he inadvertently tripped the booby trap he had created and was crushed by its own debris. His death was attributed by asphyxiation.

Wow. Both brothers are buried on top of each other in unmarked graves in Cypress Hill Cemetery, Brooklyn. Wow. And it goes through the contents, but seriously, I won't go through all of it because it's quite a long list, but for example, some of the things they took out of the house were baby carriages, a doll's carriage, rusted bicycles, old food, potato peelers, a collection of guns, glass chandeliers, bowling balls, camera equipment,

the folding top of a horse-drawn carriage, a sawhorse, three dresser-making dummies, painted portraits, photos of pin-up girls from the early 1900s, plaster busts, Jagged it. Mrs. Collier's hope chests, rusty bed springs, stoves, a child's chair,

more than 25,000 books, human organs in jars, eight live cats. Wow. Human organs in jars. Yeah. The chassé of an old Model T, which Langley had been tinkering with. He'd been hoovering it. Yeah.

I've got to get this invention working. I don't go outside, so I'm going to bring the car in. What else? Tapestries, yards of silk, fabrics, clocks, 14 pianos, both grand and upright. For the hoovering. A clavichord, two organs, banjos, violins, bugles, accordions, a gramophone, a record, and countless bundles of newspapers, magazines,

some of them decades old, thousands of bottles and tin cans, and a great deal of garbage. Near the spot where Homer had dined, police also found 34 bank account passbooks with a total of $3,000, which in today's money would be around $37,000. So there.

The house was determined unsafe and a fire hazard. And so they tore it down. Now it's a park. Yes, I believe they did. Well, I once saw someone's flat who was a bit of a hoarder. Yeah. Was it your flat? No, it wasn't my flat.

Because your flat looks like a Collier's mansion. No, it doesn't. Except yours looks like a Collier's despot. A Collier's despot? Wait. Collier's mansion. No, it doesn't. Except yours looks like a Collier's desk pot. A Collier's desk pot? Wait. Collier's cesspit. That'll do. Cesspot.

So. So, my house looks like a Collier's mansion, does it? It does, though. No, it doesn't. I have some records in the house of pickles. Stacked up. There's some brine, rinds. Clothes.

There's trash on the floor. Oh, clothes. I'm hoarding clothes. I've got clothes. I need to wear clothes, Paul. Food tins on the floor. Oh, clothes. I'm hoarding clothes. I've got clothes. I need to wear clothes, Paul. Food tins on the floor. Bottles. Ashtrays you've not cleaned out.

Wank mags. There are no wank mags. Socks that you've come in so much, it looks like they're actually made from papier-mâché. No. No. No. No. Books.

Cassette tapes. CDs you'll never listen to again. Just because you live a complete bare existence with no personal items. If you go blind, I'm not jacking you. Oh, all right. So, I don't live in a Collier's mansion. But you're getting there. I did this as a warning.

What? I haven't invented a hoover. No, and you never will. That'd be the warning. You'll just die in a room full of trash. No, I won't. You will. I don't want you to die in a Collier's mansion.

I don't want to see you on hoarders. I wouldn't be. I want a lady to go back to your room and go... I don't hoard stuff. I want a lady to go back to your room after you've picked her up after a night out

and her not scream when she enters the room and start crying. I want her to sniff the air and go, this smells of hope and dreams and lavender.

And not, as it smells like now, despair, death, and, well... Those fish sausages. Those fish sausages, yeah. Thanks, Paul.

Clean your room. All right. Because you've got good looks now. I've got my hair, which looks like I could actually have a boyfriend. Thanks for that. Yeah. Girlfriend. Oh!

Oh! Oh, well. Well, I will say no more. I rest my case, Your Honour. I'm tired. I'm tired, Paul. I rest my case, Your Honour. Right, well, there's the Collier's Mansion anyway.

I thought I'd give us a little dollop-esque moment in Collier's Mansion. Collier's... Thanks to Wikipedia. Collier's are coal miners, aren't they? I don't know. Yes. I thought they were a type of dog. A dog that goes down a mine.

Really? Yeah, Collier is... Well, you could argue that. It was a bit of a mine. Yes. I thought they were a type of dog. A dog that goes down a mine. Really? Yeah. Collier is... Well, you could argue that. It was a bit of a mine. Yes. It's full of tunnels and... Tunnels and...

Inventions. Yeah. And a man with hair down to his knees. To his shoulders. Shoulders? To his shoulders. Oh, I take it all back then. I like collecting.

I know you do. But the 50 collecting records... I collect records. Yeah. Stop trying to defend your mucky room. Clean it. It's not a Collier's room. It is. It's a Collier's bedroom.

No, it's not. It is. It's the House of Pickles, and it has a stylish, zesty fragrance. That is not a zesty fragrance, mate. Farts, curry, and fucking, I don't know, fag ends is not a zesty fragrance. Briny. Briny, I'll give you. It's bye-bye time time it is bye bye time

well we hope you've had a lovely time with us here on Cheap Show and if you like us tell the world share us with friends tell them about us

yeah tell them about what Uncle Paul and Eli like to do for you I don't Paul what

I don't know it's creepy it's not creepy I don't want to be Uncle Eli Uncle Paul and Eli are always here for you If you need us You can call us any time of day or night You can come round to our house

We have a bed that you can stay in Speak for yourself A secret mirror that you need to stare into And Say bye bye man And say Uncle Paul, Uncle Eli need to stare into and uh say bye-bye man and say uncle paul uncle eli visit me tonight uncle paul uncle eli give us all a fright so paul uh if anyone's still listening and they want to check out if you want to look into a mirror and say, that song, then we will appear behind you.

Is that the way we're going? We're going into haunting. That's the new format, is it? We're becoming an urban legend. Okay, so we're not doing the normal media channels anymore. No. Literally, if you want us, you stay in the mirror and you say, Uncle Paul, Uncle Eli,

please come out tonight. Uncle Paul and Uncle Eli, please give me a fright. And then we appear. And we... What? We jack them off! We jack them... Here, have a quid.

Have a fucking quid. Have a quid. All right. Two quid, please. Fucking quid. Fucking hell. That was worth it. That's how we get you.

Anyway, no. That's our episode. Thank you for listening in to another episode of Cheap Show you can email us with anything you want really top tips

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and vote and review and tell people because the more people who know the more people will care. I'm finding it hard to care. Oh yeah? Just about anything. Would you like to

join me on the roof for a little bit of a kiss and a hug? No, thanks. Goodbye, everybody. I haven't think of... We need to have a proper out for this show. And we're not ending it until we come up with one. We have really...

This whole show is just petering. It's one long Peter out, man. We should call this episode Peter's Podcast. Peter's out. Peter's out. Come on, let's think of a good ending. Come on, we can do it. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Okay,

everybody, that's the end of the show. I've spilt my gravy over the rim. Remember that one? Paul, any last words? Yeah. Good. Bye. Bye!