CheapShow - Ep 441: Have I Got Spooge For You

Starting point is 00:00:00 You ready? First episode Eli, first episode after 10 year celebration. Come on are you feeling it? And you decade ahead of us mate. Yeah, fine. What? A new decade ahead of us. It's an arbitrary timing essentially. Good to celebrate but you know. That's it, you're checking out. All the time is is one moment after the next. We just put a calibration on top of it. We try and impose meaning.

Starting point is 00:00:22 When in fact... There is no meaning. And I haven't even got a hold on time. Sometimes it feels like... No, I know that, why your sloppy schedule... Oh, oh! It's what I want to get to. I was not late today.

Starting point is 00:00:32 No. You were late as far as I'm concerned. If you're not here when I'm not here, you're late. That is... Sorry, but a friend of mine is going through a real problem at the moment with his stepfather. Hang on. With his father-in-law, yeah. Let me just get my violin out for this.

Starting point is 00:00:45 No! Because it is going to make a big... Is it one of these stories I need to care about? Is that a cliche as well? I don't care. I'll use all of them. Is it the world's smallest violin? It might be. I can't find it, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:00:54 I can't find it, I don't know. I want to know what size this fucking stupid trope violin is. It's too tiny for me to get out of my bag. Let me just... Go on. A friend of mine is having a lot of problems with his father-in-law. And you don't mind? Who doesn't like him and is a patriarchal narcissist piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:01:09 Your friend or the dad? The dad. Alright. And you know what the dad does? What? The dad does things like goes, meet me here at 2.30, right? Then turns up at quarter past two and my friend is not there because it's not 2.30 yet. Then leaves and then later on goes, you were late!

Starting point is 00:01:24 And you should understand, this is what you, you were late and you should understand, this is what you just said to me, you should understand that when I say 2.30, I mean 2.15. I hate people like that. Don't be like that, Paul. Don't be like that. You're not late. Being early.

Starting point is 00:01:37 Okay, then so why should I? Being on time is not late. Why should I live my life by your sloppy timekeeping standards then? I'm saying if you tell me to and I turn up at two, then I'm not late. Yeah, but you're usually late. Usually like, oh, I'm saying if you tell me to and I turn up at two then I'm not late. Yeah but you're usually late. You're usually like,

Starting point is 00:01:46 Oh I'm gonna slow walk there aren't I? Oh don't mind me, puff puff. Puff puff, is that what I do? I say puff puff. Yeah on the corner of the street you're having a fag and you go puff puff. I've seen you actually say puff puff. Slur word, slur word is what I do when I smoke a cigarette. That's a reach that.

Starting point is 00:02:02 It's a reach around. Anyway come on. Slur word the magic dragon then while we're at it. If you're gonna throw that at me. Doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, it's now time to welcome our guest, who is also late. Hello, Rhea, how are you?

Starting point is 00:02:13 I don't have to be here if you don't want me here, mate. No, you have to be here. I have to be here. You have locked the door. You've locked me in. I've listened to you two bickering. I don't know who's the father-in-law and who's the son-in-law in this weird sexual...

Starting point is 00:02:26 I'm the father-in-law. So is. Thank you. Thank you. And you're the disobedient ungrateful fucking child. Who should know to turn up. Listen, am I allowed to leave before you fucking make up? Is that... No. No, I have to watch that too. We've always kind of wanted someone to watch us.

Starting point is 00:02:40 I don't feel like it has to be me. I feel like you film that shit, you open up an OnlyFans, you have an additional revenue stream. Could we do an OnlyFans, Eli? We could, but we wouldn't make any money. Why not? We could call the channel Level Pegging. Because it's even, you know? No, it wouldn't be even. I do you, Level Pegging.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Your no wouldn't be even, anyway. No, it wouldn't be. One of you is coming late, so... Apparently about 99% of the people on OnlyFans make fuck all just like everything else. You know, so we shouldn't do it. We should just fuck for good. Just for the most part. I just make this clear. We never fuck. We never will. He says that, but I've got a finale for the whole show. The tension, the sexual tension in this very small booth is palpable. Now look for anyone listening going, Oh, you've got real Lina

Starting point is 00:03:24 on. She's lovely. What's she doing on this show? Unfortunately, Ria has known us for quite some time, and so this is more of a kind of friendship contract than a professional one. Okay, I mean, you did sign the professional contract that my agent sent you in triplicate. No, your agent. No.

Starting point is 00:03:38 A fox around the bins is not your agent. No, let's be honest, I did not tell my agent I was doing this. For very many good reasons, to be fair. No, let's be honest, I did not tell my agent I was doing this. That's true. For very many good reasons, to be fair. Look, listen, we have got a wonderful show, and we want to thank you. I'm excited. You've been doing this for 10 years, and not once in that 10 years that we've been friends

Starting point is 00:03:55 of you invited me on. That's incredible. I'm sure we did. We talked about it a lot, but it never materialized into an...the moment you did, I went, yes, I'm coming you know what it was? As soon as I'm finished with the other thing that made me late. Do you know what it was Rhea? It's just that you know we've been friends for a while and you know we've seen our careers go up. We've also never fucked? True, I mean that could also be something

Starting point is 00:04:17 that this episode ends with. I'm gonna do a spit take guys if you can do that. Yeah she likes that. How would you know we We've never fucked. I don't know. I imagine you're a spitter. I don't know what I'm saying. Eww, dude! You know what? This is the perfect time to put the credit music in, so let's do that. Get the digger out. Press the fucking credits. I hate you. I'm going to show you a Welcome to Cheap Show.

Starting point is 00:05:30 Hello welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where Eli and I for 10 years have gone through the Bargabins charity shops and Poundlands of Great Britain to bring you back the treasure we find amongst that trash. Amongst that trash. If there is indeed any trash. Don't look at me like that, you judge me. He's on, he's so on right now. I've got my cheap voice.

Starting point is 00:05:48 He's just like, zing, zing, zing, zing. There it is. I've got my cheap show voice on. Hello, welcome. Yes, we've been going for 10 years and this is a fresh start, I'd like to think. A new operation, a new outlook. A new-

Starting point is 00:06:01 That's why I'm here. You've gone from cheap to really expensive. We've gone from like budget to harrods. In all honesty... That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. Is it? Yeah. You think I'm some kind of Middle Eastern rapist. Yay. The store itself did not do anything.

Starting point is 00:06:20 Dodie done wrong. Dodie did do wrong. Diddy Dodie. Dodie diddled. Dodie did did do dog. Dodie the wrong. Dodie did do wrong. Dodie diddle. Dodie the dog diddle. Dirty Dodie did the dirtiest devious ding. I think it was Dodie's dong. Yeah, Dodie's dong did a dirty dingy dingy diddle. Anyway, that's enough of you. Before we turn this into a smutty Tommy Steele song, we're gonna move on. No, actually I just wanted to make one last point on that. Yes. It is ironic and funny how you know usually when we have a guest it is a bit more professional we do it in this professional place yeah and I often

Starting point is 00:06:53 have a problem with sort of letting go. Paul has admonished me about a lot of the time because I'm sort of you know. Yeah because when it's just you and me it's like your hell for leather mouth garbage but the minute we have anyone with any kind of comic legitimacy, no offence Rhea, you go super quiet and super referential. I know because we know Rhea. But I'm just saying it is funny. Aww, that's so sweet. What's his name again?

Starting point is 00:07:21 Ellie. Oh shit. It's funny how we did episode 300 in my bedroom last week which was pretty loose. No we did it again just for the OnlyFans accounts. Whatever it was. 10th year birthday. 440! The 10th year birthday episode. The Earth Day. We were drinking and I spat champagne at you. Was it at you? No you spat it at me. No I spat champagne all over you. Yes. And you saying I'm the one that likes a spit take? Yeah, exactly. Like, you two...

Starting point is 00:07:46 He brings it up all the time. Spits it up. Anyway... Hang on, you spat all over Tom on the livestream. Yeah, I know. There's a theme happening. All I'm saying, the only point I wanted to say... All you're saying is we should try it out.

Starting point is 00:07:57 We were very loose and drunk there. Oh yeah, we were. But now... This spitty drunk. This sounds like Radio 1. It's all chatty in here, isn't it? It's not Radio 1. Well, I've been warming up for you guys. This is what I've been doing.

Starting point is 00:08:08 I've been warming up. All right, you're the ones that are loose. I'm not gonna be like that. Looser than a bin bag in the ocean, I don't know. I've killed that. You kill a lot. But turtles, no. Yeah, bin bag in the ocean would kill a turtle.

Starting point is 00:08:23 It would, they do. They do. This is the bit I usually edit out and kill a turtle. It would. They do. They do. This is the bit I usually edit out and then tighten it so it goes to something funnier straight away. Oh, so he does tighten it. He tightens it behind the scenes. He tightens it on the right. His preparation etch. Like etch or love his body. So, whilst I can, I'm going to get some admin out of the way. There have been a few people who have been retouching me recently to say,

Starting point is 00:08:44 hey, I can't buy an album at the moment. Is there an issue? And I was like, no, they've locked the pre-sales at 250. They've made surplus. And once those 250 have gone out to the people who've pre-ordered them, they'll sell the rest of them on their website. This is to do with their business model. It's to do with their business model and the fact that it helps them make a certain amount.

Starting point is 00:09:01 Who is them? This is Diggers Factory, who are making our cheap show album. Aw. That will be out soon. I might be even getting the pressing of that real soon. On the whole, they've been really excellent, haven't they? And tolerant. And tolerant, yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:12 Because I sent them so many fucking stupid questions. Just things to do with art and formatting and... Tolerant? Do they think you're black? No. They're French. Oh. They're not tolerant.

Starting point is 00:09:23 No. So as a result, I asked them a lot of stupid questions. And you could tell in the tone of their emails how they were tired of, you know, because the emails that used to reply back to me were usually quite full of information and quite chatty. And then I would say, oh, but actually, when do you want the bonus digital tracks?

Starting point is 00:09:39 And then I just get an email saying Tuesday, three exclamation marks, which kind of makes me feel like I've run the wrong way. We're all very excited. Can you rub a Frenchman up the wrong way? You can if you have the wrong kind of, I don't know, milk or champagne or whatever. I'm willing to try is my point.

Starting point is 00:09:53 Do you like the French? Do you like the French? Physically maybe, but no person. Do you know what actually, yes and no. Yeah, I'm with you. Do you know what I mean? Like there's a yes and a no. There's just something that you want them to want you

Starting point is 00:10:06 But at the same time they make you so angry. Yeah, such assholes. Yes, they have a stick of all the European nations I think the French have the really distinct things, especially the men. Here we go. They're so arrogant You know, I mean like but you know, they'd be so good. Yeah of you know I mean like but you know they'd be so good yeah yeah that's the thing it's an arrogance they're not of all the characters you could have named there's a romantic kind of paradigm you went with Pepe Le Pew name another French character then the host of erotica. What was that? Channel 4 show. Euro-erotica. No, no, see, you're all missing.

Starting point is 00:10:49 The true Frenchman in this situation is the Maître D from First Dates. Thank you very much. I have never seen First Dates. So that restaurant's. Is that where you have a TV show? I don't know. This is where we show our ignorance.

Starting point is 00:10:58 What's First Dates? It's a TV show where they pair people up and they go into a restaurant and then all of the waiters and the Maître D, they're're all staff so you hear what they think and say they're all miked up and then you also mic up the people on the day and they do about six dates in this restaurant at the same time but the maitre d' there is French and I'm like yeah. So are they like blind dates or are they just first dates? I think yeah they're blind dates.

Starting point is 00:11:21 Okay. Yeah they're they set and so the show sets them up. And is it do they ever have a happy relationship afterwards or is it just like for the lols? I think, yeah, they're blind dates. Yeah, they're, they set, so the show sets them up. Yeah, yeah. And is it, do they ever have a happy relationship afterwards or is it just like for the lols? I don't know, some of them might see each other again and some of them don't. I don't know if there's any follow up on that show.

Starting point is 00:11:34 I think it sounds like- I'm more interested in the maitre d. Yeah, it sounds like that's not the focus there because you've got ones where it's like, marry the person you haven't seen or, or where they compete to marry someone. Well, there was that, wasn't it that show, Married at First Sight?

Starting point is 00:11:47 There still is that show, Married at First Sight. The Australian one is excellent. The British one is, yeah. How is that like, good for the soul to watch that show? It's not. It's just good. Well, the problem is, is that you watch one, the problem is that they pair them up for conflict, and that's the problem.

Starting point is 00:12:02 But some of them go on to last a little bit longer. I watched one season of it and the guy that I was rooting for, they paired him up with a crazy lady but he ended up with another woman on the show and they're still together. Oh, okay. Remember when Ulrika Johnson married that? She did a show, didn't she? Ulrika Johnson. That football show and then she ended up with that coach, manager guy.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Sven Borin Ericsson, who died dead. Is he? Yeah. Oh. A few years ago. Oh. Last year. Oh. What a shame. Sven. I thought I saw him in a snickers commercial so that must have been somebody else. I can't imagine who that would be. He'd do a snickers commercial all day long. Dead. Yeah. He was a media floozy. Floozy. Yeah he put it about. So, Eureka Johnson did a show with Svangorn Erisun and then they then had... I don't know, I was just joking because I thought you knew they'd been together. Eureka Johnson hosted a reality TV show where women competed to marry this

Starting point is 00:12:55 eligible... Elephant man. So basically the bachelor. I think that might have been it, but then she ran off with the guy and they got married. Was that planned? No, and it was a bit of a controversy. She does have a tendency to do that. She did a sex on a gladiator, I seem to remember when she's hosting gladiators. Good on her. During the show? Wasn't that a family show? Yeah, I think it was Hang Tough.

Starting point is 00:13:19 I think it was that round. Is that why Bradley Walsh now hosts it with his son, to make sure that we know it's family and nobody fucks their way else? Bradley Walsh has an agreement with the king to be in 89% of every TV show made. He's done a good job of it, to be honest. He is in 89% of everything. The other 11% is Ross Camp, so.

Starting point is 00:13:36 Yeah, I was gonna say it was either him or Dara O'Brie and they seem to be on everything, contractually. Dara, oh, they're all competing. Even he these days isn't in everything as much as he used to be in everything. He's doing a lot of audio, Dara, have you noticed? A lot of audio. No. That's where it is, you know, audio's where it is. And we are the... The economy pod-a-bee pod-bod.

Starting point is 00:13:56 I had a party on the weekend. Is this your anecdote now? Is it a story that I need to care for or care about? I was in Bristol and I had a party and I DJ'd. Right. Wait, you live in Bristol? No, I went down to Bristol. My good friend is down there. I stayed in a hotel called The Moxie. Right.

Starting point is 00:14:11 I know The Moxie. You do? Yeah, there's a few Moxies. Right. Yeah. It's Marriott sort of, the Marriott hotel groups sort of their- Baby sister kind of chain. Their sort of low budget thing.

Starting point is 00:14:22 But it's okay. But they're trying to be cool. They're trying to be cool. Which means not like the travelodge. No, no It's like it's dark and you know, but with lights, you know It's all gonna be a bit trendy a bit boutiquey looking but in fact it is actually at the level of a sort of holiday in All right, but cleaner. Yeah, cuz they're newer. Okay clean and you was good. We you got a free cocktail Oh nice the moxie. Yeah, if I don't drink could. You got a free cocktail. Oh nice, the Moxie. If I don't drink, could I just have a free cocktail?

Starting point is 00:14:48 You can still have the free cocktail because it doesn't have any booze in. It was the worst. It was like, oh I think I might have a martini or something. It's like, no, here you have the cocktail from the cocktail thing. And it was just like, ripena. Oh no, not from the cocktail thing. The cocktail thing. It's like they pre-batched it all, of course.

Starting point is 00:15:04 And it had not seen booze Wait a minute, is that like the same machine you get your orange juice from in the morning? It's not too dissimilar. I've seen like pubs now serve cocktails on tap. Yes, like you'd be pulling a pint Well, if it's done well, it's a perfectly legitimate way to serve a mixed drink. Yeah But you want the pageantry don't you of Tom Cruise and all that stuff. Oh, we missed all that because this is audio. No.

Starting point is 00:15:28 That was worth seeing. He was doing a bit of Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Did you know? Hey! He caught it! He caught it by his back. See, I went to... What's that? Yeah, what was he bumping?

Starting point is 00:15:41 I wish the camera was... What was he bumping it off of? What was that? That was like...ing it off of? What was that? It's forehead. I was imagining it sort of flipping like, bonk. Oh right. Yeah, no good. Do you want to do any more of that?

Starting point is 00:15:51 I don't know that he's young enough to be able to bump it off his forehead anymore. Did you know several of those cocktails from the film Cocktail just don't exist at all? Yes, you saw the same YouTube video I did when we both sat down to watch it at the same time. Just saying. It's been 10 years. Can't remember where he found out what. Is that the admin? Yeah, album is available for pre-sale. Tickets are still on sale for the end of the year. Come and see us live at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival. It is the 18th of October, mate. At the Bedford. You must have played the Bedford over the years. Ria's going to be there. I played the Bedford. That's what I was going to. Ria's gonna be one of our guests. Oh my word. Oh am I? Yes. Wait a minute on the 18th is that the Saturday? It's the Saturday the 18th.

Starting point is 00:16:34 Yeah in the afternoon. What time? I better put it in. 2.30 or something. Yeah okay. This is good. This is actual admin we're doing. I'm literally putting it in. Could you say you're gonna run off to another gig afterwards? I am. Well my tour show. Yes. So I going to put in 2.30 to 4.30. Is that enough time? Yes. Yeah, it's a 90 minute show so you'll be done in plenty of time. Oh, that would be great. Great.

Starting point is 00:16:53 And then I'm adding a location, the Bedford. The Bedford in Balham where we did it last year and we packed it out. So we'd really like to have it packed out again this year. Yeah. That would be nice. I met a lot of Cheap Show fans and drank free... Drinks. They're not free when other people buy them.

Starting point is 00:17:08 What the drinks and tonics. Yeah. Well, you've got one more person who will be there now. Me. You. And you're gonna have a lovely time because we tend to go all out. That'd be fantastic. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:17 So I get a cocktail off a tap, do I? No. We could make a cocktail live this year. We've never done that. Well, we could do some moves. I'm into it. I think your audience deserve to see your moves. year. We've never done that. Well, we could do some moves. I'm into it. I think your audience deserve to see your moves. Right, we're making cocktails live.

Starting point is 00:17:29 Are you gonna do some flair? You're gonna have to practice your flair, man. And you're gonna have to bounce it off your forehead. I can do that. You don't practice talent and genius. It just comes, doesn't it? I don't need to practice fucking shit, mate. So you're like Neo in The Matrix.

Starting point is 00:17:42 No, because he had to download it. Someone's downloaded flair into your head. Don't need to download Flair, mate. Flair was born, it's in my DNA, genetically encoded into who I am. That's how sexy and great I am. And especially when it comes to cocktails. Someone had a Father Day blowjob on Sunday, didn't they? It wasn't me.

Starting point is 00:17:57 You sucked my dad off. What are you saying? I'm just saying, you're really chipper. I know you, I've known you a long time. You are super chipper. But you don't know me long enough to know that I'm only chipper after having sex or releasing my nut juice.

Starting point is 00:18:10 You know what, I've known you long enough to know what you're like when you haven't released your nut juice. That's every single day you've known me. That's not true. That's what I call masturbation, a process of elimination. No, it's just because he didn't work last night. That's actually really good, I wanted to add in my top.

Starting point is 00:18:25 You added some sleep. I've never seen you with sleep. He does look well rested and chipper. He is. Literally yesterday, just my underpants walking around the house, making my cat feel deeply uncomfortable. That is like you're acting like a father on Father's Day,

Starting point is 00:18:37 because that's what they like to do. Yeah. As long as you didn't put peanut butter anywhere. No comment. He doesn't like peanut butter. The cat would not be licking peanut butter off? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kitten you know whiskers or doubly delicious way too long a pause between kitten and whiskers in that sentence all the same with the lights off right shall we crack on oh please I've got two games to play today and we're gonna start off with the price of shite is that steeped all right to your to your to your can't do words today can't ever I can't do words today. You can't ever. I can't do words today specifically right now.

Starting point is 00:19:26 Has it steeped to your liking? Has it? Sorry man. I was waiting for you to do... I don't know why that set me off. I want you to do the Price of Shite theme please while I grab Russell in your bag. Oh, you ready? Yeah, go for it.

Starting point is 00:19:40 Oh it's the fucking Price of Shite, it's the fucking price of shite, it's the fucking price of shite! And that's right. Thank you. That was a different take on the theme there. I was going for kind of like 70s lounge vibe, you know, like Barry Manilow, who's the guy who did the Pina Colada song. Me and Manilow. No, he didn't do the Pina Colada song. Rupert Holmes.

Starting point is 00:20:06 Rupert Holmes, thank you very much. That is good knowledge. Oh, he knows. Any excuse. I'm good on mute. I know the song. I didn't know who sang it. I'm good on pop. Yeah. Oh, getting caught in the rain.

Starting point is 00:20:16 Yeah. He's done a great song about infidelity. Something after midnight. He did a tune that I actually play out called Let's Get Crazy Tonight. It is not about fidelity. It is. It's infidelity. I said the infidelity. Infidelity, sorry.'s Get Crazy Tonight. It is not about fidelity. It is. It's infidelity. I said the infidelity. Oh infidelity, sorry.

Starting point is 00:20:29 I was going to say it was not about fidelity. It's fucking. It's a moral swamp. Although weirdly in the end it is about fidelity isn't it? No it isn't. They both went to cheat and they found that they still liked each other but they would have cheated if the person that they found in the ad wasn't the other person. Yeah exactly. They are going to do it. They're both scumbags. They're committed to infidelity.

Starting point is 00:20:49 They are both going to cheat on the other. Both of them. And it's only because they're scum that they forgive the other person. They're just like, yeah, they're just as bad as me. We're down here in the fucking swamp. They cancelled each other out. That's what they did. They just cancelled each other out. Is it not a parable of commitment and love? And you know what? And being honest to your partner about your... Rupert Holmes' other song, Let's Get Crazy Tonight, it's about swinging.

Starting point is 00:21:12 So you think he's a frustrated man. He's well into that kind of thing. It's a 70s guy. And his first hit was that song about the mining disaster. You remember? I'm getting absolutely tired of you fucking pointing at me. Can I just say this? There is a song called uh, is it Timmy? It's called Timothy. It's about these guys who go into a mine, there's a collapse, there's a collapse, and then they eat Timothy.

Starting point is 00:21:42 That made it to the church? Yeah? Wait a minute, they ate Timothy? Yeah. He died. He died first, right? They didn't kill him to eat him. I don't actually know the details of the disaster, but it came out that they had to survive. Was this based on a true story? What do you mean, ish? Which bit wasn't true?

Starting point is 00:22:00 They ate him, but there was no mind collapse? There was no one called Timothy. Jinx, you can't speak for the rest of the episode now until I say. And if you say anything we have to punch you. No, I say your name. Eli, I grant you voice. Right? Yeah, no, it was a huge hit and allegedly based on a true story,

Starting point is 00:22:16 although there was no real proof there was cannibalism in that story. Just suggestion. Right, he embellished. The inference that he embellished for the song. Well, Rupert Holmes, everybody Holmes everybody terrible most of his stuff I put an album the other day from a charity shop unlistenable pap but how much did it cost back on track very good now that is the question of when we play the price of shy I am so excited that I love charity stores hit me with it the

Starting point is 00:22:43 problem is that there's no rhyme or reason to this game, right? There's not. Do you want the rules explained? Eli, you better fucking give the rules. I want to play with no rules. This is our prize guess. What are the rules? Just the scoring system.

Starting point is 00:22:56 The only rules are you have to guess the price of items. That's it. That is the gameplay. There are five items this week on the Price of Shite. Which is the game every guest, when they appear on the show for the first time, must play it as a rites of passage. Okay, okay, okay.

Starting point is 00:23:10 Now, when... I'm so ready. So am I playing against our guest? Yes. I'll be guessing prices as well. Okay. Trying to get a better guess tally than you. Now, the scoring goes like this.

Starting point is 00:23:20 If you guess the price of the item exactly, on the nose... Right on the nose, on the nose of it. If you say £2 then it's £2, what happens? If it's on the nose you get two points and... No no no no no no no. I'm going getting there. I can't believe you just decided to throw... I was just about to throw it over to you and it was just going to be a nice back and forth. That's never happened before successfully. If you get it on the nose you get two points and in this game points are known as... Pertwings! Thank you. For we do not give out points, we give out pertwings.

Starting point is 00:23:47 And you should treasure a pertwing. A pertwing? Like a baby... Er... Er... A baby. Baby... It sounds like a baby penguin, if I'm honest.

Starting point is 00:23:56 And I love baby penguins. So I'll take a pertwing. Did you see that video of the baby penguin going up and hugging the keeper? No. Just when it sees its keeper, it's... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, penguins come on him. No, they are joyful little birds, aren't they? That was when Harry met Eli. When Harry met Eli. Right, but hey.

Starting point is 00:24:32 So if you get it on the nose, you get two per twigs. Alright, two per twigs. Right, job done. But if your guess is slightly off, buy 25p either over the price or under the price. Let's just say you say £1.25 but it's actually £1. You've done very well there and you get one per twink for that. You get one per twink for being 25p out of the actual price either way. Now Paul I have a question for you. Yes. Will the quids gambit rule be in play this week? Oh interesting. He's going to have to

Starting point is 00:24:59 check the prices. I can confirm the quids gambit is in play in this round of the price of shiny this week. What is the quids gambit? in play in this round of the price of shine What is the quids gambit? Quids gambit? I'm glad you've asked. Over the years, a lot of the time the price of an item on this game is a quid. It's about a quid. Okay.

Starting point is 00:25:16 Because we often get them from charity shops, they're cheap, that's the name of the show. They're very often a quid. So if you can guess the item that is a quid, you are playing the quids gambit. Okay. And you get four potwings, four potwings, two bonus potwings as well as getting it on the nose. You get two potwings for getting it on the nose. You get two extra potwings. It's a madness. That'd be four potwings. I mean, we're practically giving potwings away at that point. So how, okay, questions. How many qualify for the quids gambit today? Only one. You can only use the quid's gambit once. Right, so the maximum number of points I could win is 12.

Starting point is 00:25:49 Two, four, six, eight, 12 indeed, yeah. Okay, but if I just guessed a pound for every single one, I'm definitely getting at least four points. Yes, that's true. So why don't I just... Oh, don't. He's out thought us. I fucking hate this. No, you're not allowed to do that.

Starting point is 00:26:06 You're only allowed to get the quid for one of the items. You've got to lock in. That's the reason we're just finessing stuff. You're like one of those IT people who comes in and tries to hack the system. Yeah, sorry about that. We're finessing as we go.

Starting point is 00:26:22 It's always in flux. It's only been 10 years. It's still in its beta phase, right? It really is. You have no idea how true that is. All right, I'm excited. But then that's why we say you have to play the quids gambit. Or you could just say everything was one pound. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:26:35 Right, so I only get to play the kids quids gambit once. You only get to play it once. It's like a card. I play it. That's right. Indeedy do. And is that it in terms of rules? I can't think of anything else right now.

Starting point is 00:26:45 Do we have a range? Like, do I go above? You are thinking through this just exactly how we do. Now, there's a certain amount of things that it could be. You could have a ceiling, which is a price that is not... the combined price of all the items is not higher than. It will not breach the ceiling. Or a window, rather like a transom window above a door. Yeah, which means that it's in a range. Right. They combine total. Yeah. Or I'm going to give you a window for a little bit of fun. Is it a window today? We're having a window. A window. It is the actual price of all five items is between six and seven pounds, if that helps you. Combined. Combined, yes. That's quite low.

Starting point is 00:27:25 All together. Is that low? I've done well here. I bought them all from a charity shop in Pinner. It is St. Luke's, one of our favorite haunts. I love that place. St. Luke's, okay. Because there's always weird tat and stuff.

Starting point is 00:27:35 It's a North London, Northwest London charity. Question. Yes? How many St. Luke charity stores do you think exist? Is it a chain? Because this makes such a huge difference to how they price things. It's a local group of hospices. Local, okay, so it's local to that part.

Starting point is 00:27:49 It is. Understood. And what we found, another hospice called North London Hospice, right? Yo, very good. Which have great charity shops. What we found is these local hospice charities that also have charity shops around London

Starting point is 00:28:00 have the best charity shops in terms of funk. Funk being, you know, items that Oxfam literally, because of their condition, sells off to other charities. Yeah. I hope they don't sell them. They better give them away. If I'm giving stuff to Oxfam and they're selling it to others, I have issues. I hate to bring this on you. Do you know the staff of Oxfam are very close to industrial action, i.e. striking. The people they actually employ because they ain't good employers.

Starting point is 00:28:31 But they're all volunteers, aren't they? Oh, you mean the staff of the... You get past a certain level, like area managers, so forth. And those people really almost went on strike last year. You know what? I'm so pleased you didn't go to Oxfam because if it was from Oxfam,

Starting point is 00:28:44 everything would be way more expensive than it should be in a charity store. Which always surprises me. I go in and I'm going, well I could pay this much for an actual shirt from Primark. Exactly, yeah. It's like no one really knows what they're valuing and it gets worse in the topper end charity shop I tend to find. If Oxfam is listening, do better. And also Oxfam stuff their shops now with actual new items, don't they?

Starting point is 00:29:05 Yes they do. Like soaps and chocolates. Moomin' badges and shit. Do you know what? I went in once to an Oxfam and I bought this pack of greeting cards, none of them had been written in. Outraged. So yeah, boo Oxfam.

Starting point is 00:29:17 But I have to say, you like the books. I like their books and music stores, they're very good. And it also helps that there is insider trading knowledge here, cause Eli's dad does work in an Oxfam. He does. He does, doesn't he? Oh! And gives you stuff.

Starting point is 00:29:29 Are you supposed to say the bit about... Yeah, well, he is now and I'm keeping that in. Right, shall we play the game? Yes! I have five items and they are bursting to become free out of the bag. Here we go. All right. Right, item number one. Would you be taking down our guessing prices? Yes, I have a pen and I have a grid ready to go of the scores. And

Starting point is 00:29:56 they're very straight lines on the grid. I'm very impressed. And you've got the answers all in there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got them all in there as well. That's a little bit of paper here. I'm just being overcautious because he cheated me out of a win the other day. How? By lying. I just lied about the price because I saw the answers. It's easy. He's a fool.

Starting point is 00:30:15 I can do it. Oh, I see. I'll do it every week. Wait a minute. How did you play against him if you bought the items? No, we have a PO box where people send the stuff. Most of the time, in fact, over recent years, it's been our great listeners sending in bespoke boxes.

Starting point is 00:30:28 Oh, that is so, I love the community. Yeah, but unfortunately now my flat does look like a colleague's mansion. So that is a problem I need to deal with real fucking soon. All right. Let's see this item. Here's the first item. I'm going to hand it to Ria.

Starting point is 00:30:40 Here's the first item from the charity shop in Pinna. OK, it's called a corksicle. It's in the box. It's called for perfect wine. I'm gonna open the box. You can open the box. It might not be a corksicle for perfect wine inside the box.

Starting point is 00:30:53 It's long and thin. It's like, it looks like a, well. Like you could put a conductor's wand in this box, but. It also looks like a wand from a, you know. Harry Potter wand. Oh, I don't wanna touch that. That's been up someone. It does look like a Harry Potter wand. Oh no. But it's for bottles of wine. Oh my oh okay so it's got the cork at one end which I presume corks the bottle but the rest of it is like a long

Starting point is 00:31:21 it's like a um it's like a squids tentacle. Oh yeah. But with sperm in it. Yeah. It's a transparent squids tentacle. The idea is you're meant to freeze it and it keeps your wine cool. And then you stick it in the bottle. So it's for a white wine.

Starting point is 00:31:35 I mean, it does have white. I see. Well it has both types of grape on it. Hence, okay, so, corsical, because of icicle, you freeze it. Oh, okay. How to use step one, after freezing your corksicle for whites, yeah, red's meant to be... Red's table is room temperature, yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:52 You could do it on a rose. Oh yeah, a rose. You chill a rose anyway, don't you? You can. Yeah, you chill, that's right. And people often have it with ice in it. Yes, yeah, which, you know, this is that. So, you can pour, so yeah, pour the first chilled glass for reds, pour out a taste to make room

Starting point is 00:32:10 for the Corksicle. I don't understand that. Insert into the bottle to cool room temperature reds in 15 mints or keep whites perfectly chilled for an hour. Uh, she's like, listen to Toploader. To refill glasses, simply pour Corkscrew 75% out, tilt and tip. Huh? Tilt what?

Starting point is 00:32:28 When you want to use it, don't pull it all the way out. Leave the tip in. That's what it says. Don't pull it all the way out. Yeah, yeah. And I've got three kids now because someone said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have really asked for more chest finishes.

Starting point is 00:32:41 Hey, listen. My chest is 10 years younger than the rest of me. You have no idea what I did. Uh, so here's an exciting thing. Here's an exciting thing. We could, I don't know why these didn't make it the first time they went to market, but we could remake these because it says here on the box that the patent is pending. So I don't think they totally protected this item.

Starting point is 00:33:04 I also don't think this is a very successful item in terms of I don't think they totally protected this item. I also don't think this is a very successful item in terms of I don't think it does what it does very well. You know, there's all of these items. There's all these charts and shit. They always have these items and it's similar too. I'm sorry, I've stuck it way too far down my throat. Usually I thought your throat reflexes a lot better than that. It reminds me. I'm very out of practice.

Starting point is 00:33:23 Oh wow, guys can you stop? What? I've got a dirty buddy friend who wants to talk filth with me and I like it. It's nice. I'm never usually this filthy. Times Radio wouldn't have me back. Come on, what? What's your point?

Starting point is 00:33:38 It's like, it reminds me of those myriad of whiskey stones or whiskey ice cubes that you made it cool and then it doesn't dilute your whiskey. Bollocks! Bollocks. You meant to dilute it a little bit. That's the whole point of putting an ice in a good whiskey is to do with the charge of water molecules and as the water molecules come off the ice the flavour comes out. It opens up the flavour which is why real proper scotch

Starting point is 00:34:05 drinkers will always put a little bit of cold water into their scotch to taste, to drink. See, there you go. And it's a similar thing with ice. But if you've got an ice that doesn't actually melt, that is just plastic or one of these, then you don't get any of the benefit, you just cool it down, which actually kills the flavour. You see what I'm getting at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just based on bad science. What if you're adding coke to it?

Starting point is 00:34:24 Yeah, clever clogs, answer that. Then you just use normal ice. What's the fucking problem? Good. Anyway, how much do you think the corks are cool was? Bearing in mind that the window is between £6 and £7 and there are four more items after this. I'll start with Rhea. Do you want to have a little guess? My ballpark, I'm honing in between £1.50 and £2. £1.50 and £2.

Starting point is 00:34:45 £1.50, £2. So why don't I just split the difference on £1.75. I'm going to put £1.75 down for Eli. Do you want to have a little look at it yourself? I'm going to put it back in the box unless you want to have a fiddle. Oh, please. Thank you. Oh, it's lighter than I thought it would be. Yeah, it's plastic.

Starting point is 00:34:57 You think it's going to be like a glass thing, but no. No, it's a plastic thing. And it's got some give in it. It's got a little bit of flexibility, you know, which will help. I don't know that they needed to make it that warty. Do you know what I mean? Like it's sort of, it's got some give in it. It's got a little bit of flexibility, you know, which will help. I don't know that they needed to make it that warty. Do you know what I mean? Like it's sort of it's bubbled. It's trying to make it look sort of natural, like an ice, well, like an icicle, I guess.

Starting point is 00:35:11 Yeah. The hangy down one. Yeah. What's a hangy down one called? An icicle. Stalactite or stalagmite? You pull up. Stalactite, stalagmite. What? Mite what? Because that's how Harry Hill did it. Stalactite and stalactites. Yeah. Tites and mites. How do you remember that? Because Harry Hill did it. Yeah, tights and mites. But how do you remember that? Because Harry Hill did it. That's how he used to do it. No, but isn't

Starting point is 00:35:29 it tights? You pull your tights down. So let me get this right. If you're robbing a bank. Hey, that's a good one. Robbing a bank. Stalactite. No, no, I'm very confused. I'm actually the opposite of- Getting dressed after visiting a lady of the night. A stalactite? They would. Anyway, put... I'm going to say... You've got stalactites hanging off your balls. You went to a woman of the night and now you've got balls of stalactites. Yeah, a woman of the night.

Starting point is 00:35:54 I'm going to say £1.50. £1.50. £1.50 for the... When do we find out? At the very end. Oh, the very end. Oh my god, this... All right, we've got to speed this up.

Starting point is 00:36:02 Next item. This is insane. What's it called? This... insane. This... There you go, thanks. What's it called? This... Game. Price of Shite. When you...

Starting point is 00:36:10 Suspense! The suspense! The suspense is killing you. Is that the mind fart? Right, Eli, you can start with this item. This is item number two. Okay, he's handed me a small box. It looks like it could be a game.

Starting point is 00:36:21 Or like one of these Novelty Guard games or something. Something along those lines. But I'm gonna read the words on the box. How to speak dog yeah what? 100 cards to teach you the secret language of your canine companions. So there you go, now you have your Stanley knife on you. No, because I need to get in here. Do you? Yeah. I'll give me, I've got it, I'll do it. It's never been opened. No, a lot of these things you'll find never usually are. You've devalued it. Well I've got it. I do it. It's never been opened. No a lot of these things you'll find never usually are you've devalued it No, I haven't. Well I devalued it. Here we go. Hand it back. Thanks dad. I'm alright love. Are we there yet? Okay, here we go. Open it up. How to speak dog. So these are cards

Starting point is 00:36:55 It says on it a hundred cards to teach you the secret. I said that already didn't I? Yeah, here we go Here's a card. You ready? Yeah, go on. Teach, teach me, teach me. Explaining Barks, part five. Right. Dog language, yelping barks, human translation. Any guesses? Yeah, but yelping barks are like, yelp, yelp, yelp. Yeah, is that it? Is that it, like that?

Starting point is 00:37:16 No, you know when it's kind of high pitched and short? Yeah. Yelp. Does it mean, okay, I need attention. I need attention. But a yelp is a bit more, yelp. So that's what I thought it'd be more of.

Starting point is 00:37:25 No, yelp is that! Don't do that. I'm doing Jack Douglas. Go on. What is it? What did you say, Ria? I said, I need attention or pay attention. That's what all the noises they fucking make, isn't it? Yeah. It's like playing the quids gambit on every bloody thing.

Starting point is 00:37:37 Right. You're good at that kind of thing. A dog yelping is asking for help. A dog is often injured and in pain. That's a wine! That's for wine. No, this is for wine. That's for dog. Again, it's an audio medium. You've got to explain what you're doing, Paul.

Starting point is 00:37:58 When he said this is for wine, he held up the first item, which is a wine-based item. Let me do it again. This is for wine.ks cleaning my hand holding it up. Okay, dog language. This card is called dozing doggy. Yeah, it's a peanut butter solution. Is that what it is? Dog language. Lay on one side with paws out, eyes open or closed. Wait, lays on one side? Side with its paws out like most dogs do when they lie down on their side. Are either down. Are any of us? They're dead. That's a dead dog. Dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead,

Starting point is 00:38:32 dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead,

Starting point is 00:38:40 dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead, dog dead Have any of us actually owned a dog? No. No. So we're bad. What is it? We're a cat family. What does it say then? Cat and fish family. The human translation to dog is tired and needs to have a rest. Oh, a lying down dog is tired.

Starting point is 00:38:52 Oh really? I need a fucking card for that translation. Dog snoring and going, Woof woof woof! Dog asleep. Dog is dreaming. Yeah, chasing a sausage bag. That's cool when they do that.

Starting point is 00:39:02 We're nailing this. Yeah, we are. One more. This is sucks by the way this time. Yeah, we are. One more. This sucks by the way this time. This is sucks, you're right. Conversations with friends. Dog language.

Starting point is 00:39:11 What's it say? Tilting their head as you talk to them. Yeah, we've all seen dogs do that. They're listening. They have the same look, like you give me. I'm explaining stuff. This often helps dogs to hear and possibly understand you better. However, you might have realised that doing this cute trick leads to a treat or something. Yeah, they do it

Starting point is 00:39:33 to get a treat, but they do. What's the come to bed eyes dog? What's that? Is there a card for come to bed eyes? No, there is not, Paul. How do I recognise when a dog wants me? I've got just the card for you. The art of eye contact. There we go. How do I woo one of those dogs? Dog language, squinting and blinking. I've got just the card for you. The art of eye contact. There we go. How do I woo one of those dogs?

Starting point is 00:39:46 Dog language, squinting and blinking. How do I woo the poodle? Human translation. Yeah. It's playtime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it, when they're winking? When I'm winking.

Starting point is 00:39:55 Yes, if a dog winks at you and then goes, Come over here! But he wants you to fuck it, Paul. That's what it is, right. They're all winking at me. Okay. Is that it? That's enough of that. they're all winking at me okay that's enough of that okay in that case good I'm glad we opened it because it's

Starting point is 00:40:08 adjusted my my estimate you often when we play with them you get to kind of have an idea of their value I tend to find Eli you can start then how much do you think that's gonna cost interesting I'm so tempted to play the quids gambit on this one by seeing the other items Will we have a chance to swap our gambit around? Yes, at the end you will be allowed to adjust your quid. I'll put the gambit on this provisionally. Okay, okay, so the gambit is in play. Now, Ria, just so you know, just because he does the quids gambit doesn't mean you can't for the same item.

Starting point is 00:40:38 I'm very much not. I'm going to go 50p. 50p? That's what that is. How to Speak Dog by a company called Giff Republic. By a bunch of charlatans. Yeah, that's copy and pasted a shit load of Wikipedia things in British and Monte Carlo. Fucking bullshit. What a load of bullshit. What a waste of a tree.

Starting point is 00:40:57 Just a little quick one. Aww. Marbles. A little box of marbles. A little box of marbles. It's as simple as that. This is so sweet. Just a simple box of marbles. Someone sent this in because they knew you lost yours

Starting point is 00:41:07 No, I bought those because I knew I needed them. Although we did get seven marbles this weekend We were given marbles in the in the week both got given for our 10th anniversary a goodie bag From sudo and Tom. Tom yeah who? Included marbles in a string bag. But this, I like the little pouch. This is a good selection of marbles. These are nice. You got the big one, which you aim for.

Starting point is 00:41:33 I like those big metallic ones. Classic, old school marble. And that's a beautiful blue. That's a nice one. And then we've got, oh, I've lost my marbles! Hey! Lost it. Okay, that's a bit smoky class.

Starting point is 00:41:45 Yeah, there's a couple of frosted ones. I like the frosted ones. Yeah, there's a couple. I like the frosted ones. Yeah, frosted ones are nice. These are better marbles than the ones we received the other day. Not saying anything. What was wrong with the other marbles?

Starting point is 00:41:55 Yeah, nothing wrong with the old marbles. They're just a bit more basic. You didn't have cloudy ones. You had a string bag instead of a fabric bag. There's different sizes though in here. I don't understand how that relates to the game. Basically, the ones we got the other day were all like this and in various different colors.

Starting point is 00:42:07 I think that's the most standard marble. With that little flag in the middle of it. The little flag of color in a clear marble. It always reminds me of the film Hook. You know in Hook, there's the old man who lives with Wendy and everyone at the beginning when Robin Williams is boring old normal Peter Pan. And he's like, oh, I've lost my marbles.

Starting point is 00:42:23 And at the very end, Robin Williams gives him a bag of marbles and he flies off around Big Ben. Remember that? I do remember that he was an old man as he was an old man. He was an old man. Mumbles is marbles or something yeah. Auf Deutsch Mömmel und Mömmelspiele. Is that a little book about how to play marbles? Yeah marbles and games to play with them or Mömmel und Mömmelspiele. Oh I like it when you speak German. All the bees and the judebees. What's German for marble then?

Starting point is 00:42:48 Mömmel. Mömmel. What was that? Mömmel. Oh, what was Mömmel? Mömmel was the dog from Garfield, wasn't it? Oh, yes. It was the cat from...

Starting point is 00:42:57 Odie was the dog. Mömmel was another cat. Oh, the rival cat, yeah. Mömmel's a stupid fucking name. How come I've never questioned that until now? Because you don't question it if you see it in a Gar fucking name. How come I've never questioned that until now? Because you don't question it if you see it in a Garfield thing. Do you not?

Starting point is 00:43:07 I mean, only... It's normative. It's pure normative. It's like, yes, this is normal. These are jokes. This is a cat. That's Jim. He hates Mondays. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:15 Yeah. You know what I mean? You know where you are. You do know where you are with Garfield. You know where you are with Garfield. Do you know what I mean? So how... So there you go then.

Starting point is 00:43:21 It's just a little box of marbles. Is it my go to guess first on this one? No. Rhea has to guess this one first now. Do I have to guess first? Yeah, you do then it's just a little box of marbles. Can I go to guess first on this one? No, Ria has to guess this one first now. Do I have to guess first? Yeah you do, it's alternating. Oh dear, I also want to say 50p so do I get to, before we do the answers, can I revise an answer or is that stuck?

Starting point is 00:43:35 Okay. No, you can revise, we can have another look and there is the quid gambit and all those things as well. I mean personally we all know that these marbles are worth way more than How to Speak Dog but How to Speak Dog is six times the size and that often makes a difference when you're pricing things. Definitely with paintings doesn't it? Okay you know what I'm gonna put my quids gambit on this one. I want this one to be worth more because it needs to be worth more than that piece of shit. I agree. I know but if you're looking for justice in this world,

Starting point is 00:44:06 there's no justice in the halls of cheap show. No, no, no. Seventy five P. I'm feeling a strong. Because it's a kids thing and they always price kids things less than grown up things. I'm going to dog thing and they can just get money from dog owners who just want to obsess about what their dog fucking says. Yeah. Although I do know I'm going to give this I I'm gonna gift this to someone who will definitely like it. It's stupid, it's based on a lie as well. What, that dogs exist?

Starting point is 00:44:29 You don't know what dogs want. I know, I know what dogs want, mate. I see it in their little hungry eyes. See it. They're begging. They're saying, yeah, they're saying feed me. But they're also saying, I'd like, love me. Love me, love me true. Can we have the next item before he goes on about dogs too much?

Starting point is 00:44:46 Yeah, or gets the peanut butter out again. Have you ever tried like a charm and peanut butter mix? In a dog's mouth? No, they can't swallow it. Ria, you should know there has been a long dog lovemaking strand in our podcast over the years from him. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. It really doesn't surprise me. It really doesn't surprise me. Please don't lean into it.

Starting point is 00:45:06 They're dogs. Well, you know, you don't put all your weight on them at once, do you? You just... Oh, God. That was good, Paul. That was good, lean into it, nice. Oh, all right.

Starting point is 00:45:19 You know what, there is no humor. I'm gonna taste this dog sex. How do I get no credit for that setup? That's exactly what I said. No, it's a great setup. Thank you, thank you very much. No, no, no, this is. I'm going to taste this. Dog sex. How do I get no credit for that setup? That's exactly what I said. No, it's a great setup. Thank you. Thank you very much. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:45:29 This is what I'm saying. Everyone talks about Eric Morkham, but Ernie Wise is just an important in that double act relationship. Oh, definitely. I agree. We were riffing hard, all three of us. He was the dog, wasn't he? And now I'm tasting my cold drink.

Starting point is 00:45:38 He was. Right, Eli, what are you having your drink? Is it steep? It's Berry Whiff coming off this, man. That's nice, then, isn't it? Good. You can enjoy it. Not very refreshing. It's not nice. It's Berry Tea. coming off this man. That's nice then innit? Good, you can enjoy it. Not very refreshing. It's Berry Tea, it's never nice.

Starting point is 00:45:48 It tastes like, exactly like Herby Ribena with no sugar in. Go on, have a taste Paul. Oh alright, ok, well I've got this on the... I've made a cold brew Berry Blast. It's definitely cheap. It is cheap because you nicked the tea though. There's more smell than flavour, I'll say that for it.

Starting point is 00:46:04 There's a lot of aromatics going on, yeah. But the basic flavor is just a sort of almost artificial blackcurrant like a Ribena. Yeah, yeah. That's definitely it, isn't it? I'm going to smell it. Come on, have a whiff of that. I know I won't like it. No, see, it always smells brilliant.

Starting point is 00:46:18 It just doesn't taste good. I agree. It smells wonderful. It tastes more like kind of like apple cork, weirdly to me. And even if you add sugar to it, it's not the same as rapina. No, it's just a bit sickly just have ribena Did you just say apple cork? Yeah What oh thank cool apple cool, okay fine. Yeah, right. There's no such thing as apple Exists like apple cork You don't want him. Or what? He'll just throw away your word in there. He'll just come up and say it doesn't exist. Like, Apple Cork. Here's the next item, you prick.

Starting point is 00:46:48 But to be fair, up until 10 minutes ago, I didn't know how to speak dog existed. And he sort of made that happen. I like to educate as well as entertain. And this is item number four. This kind of item comes upon the show often. It's a simple item, but one I got all the same. A pack of playing cards, Paul. And this is a tourist item from Amsterdam.

Starting point is 00:47:08 Amsterdam, yes. Playing cards Amsterdam. And this is the back matter, or whatever it is, I'm assuming. The back matter, is that what you pull out? No, you know what? No. Oh my God. No, no, no, Paul.

Starting point is 00:47:18 That's what you pull out of the dog after you. I didn't say dog. Oh no. I didn't say dog. No. You were thinking dog though, weren't you? I'm thinking dog now. I'm sorry. I'm matt say dog. Oh no. I didn't say dog. No. You were thinking dog though weren't you? I'm thinking dog now.

Starting point is 00:47:26 I'm sorry. I'm matted hair. Can I just say as a representative of Amsterdam, not even in Amsterdam, would that be okay? I didn't say this was going down in Amsterdam. I never said that. I grew up there. Yeah, you grew up in Amsterdam. I had no idea.

Starting point is 00:47:39 You're not a very inquisitive person though are you? You don't want to know what your friends' lives are like. You just want to share your life story with people because you think you're the most interesting person in the room. Out of nowhere. At all times. Out of nowhere. Not out of nowhere.

Starting point is 00:47:51 Ten years, mate, of me building this up. That's what it is. Oh, that's cool. I love Amsterdam. Oh yeah, like you've never, you've just let it out today? No. We were meant to go to Amsterdam. And?

Starting point is 00:47:59 As a podcast. And? We might still do it this year. We might do it. We might make our Christmas specials there this year. I'd love to take the ferry, you know that? I'd like to take a ferry. I said I might be there too.

Starting point is 00:48:08 Oh really? For Christmas? Yeah. Oh, we might go over then. I was thinking we'd do a travel episode in Amsterdam for Christmas this year. That would be amazing. It would be. I only went once. Nice.

Starting point is 00:48:19 I've always liked Amsterdam. Outside of the obvious, oh, weed. It's like, no, it's a lovely part of the world to be in. Well, that's the thing. I went when I was kind of much more obsessed with weed that the evil bod the first time when I was 15 we arrived we looked in the coffee

Starting point is 00:48:31 shop around the corner from our hostel yeah and everyone looked like a zombie oh and I was like oh they look all like no one's having any fun by the end of the week we were there in the yeah you want to drones go oh can't take it oh you did it yeah yes she's good with their fingers we're good very articulate fingers there's one thing I know how to

Starting point is 00:48:50 do it's she's quite an attractive the illustration the illustration is one of those very thin terraced houses they have which and one with a nice pyramidal roof as well next to it very Very colourful. And then it wasn't until I went there did I realise why the buildings tilt forward. I didn't know this but all the buildings, not all the buildings, but most of them are tilted forward like that. So because they're so narrow you have to winch things up so you don't want them bashing against the building. So that's why there's a slight tilt to it. Wow. And do you know why they're all rickety? No. Because it's all built on sticks down into the

Starting point is 00:49:23 water. It's built on water. It's got more canals than Venice, doesn't it? Does it? It's very canally. That is the back. Yeah, the houses are the back. And these are very standard. Very standard.

Starting point is 00:49:36 I would say they're just cards. They're just standard cards. The faces are very standard. Very standard cards. Just very standard. A lot of the time now, they'll do cards, what they call four color decks. Four color? Yes.

Starting point is 00:49:48 Yeah, it irritates me. Where instead of, it just helps people who have difficulty with vision in any way, because in a normal standard, both the spades and the clubs are black and the hearts and the diamonds are red. But on a four color deck, the diamonds are blue. Oh really? They differentiate. They differentiate.

Starting point is 00:50:05 They differentiate. Mm-hmm. Because I'm your friend, I'm not gonna pick apart that mouth gourd. And you can do it on Bellatro as well. You can change that. Oh, fucking... I will stab you in the temple with that cortical.

Starting point is 00:50:16 I've mentioned it. That's it. We're moving on. Who needs to guess the prize of this? This is a completely old day here. It is you first with this one. I need to change a whole bunch of stuff. Anyone play poker? I'm going to say 50p for this. He plays poker.

Starting point is 00:50:28 I love poker. Yeah, my friend is a poker journalist. He's going out to the World Series of Poker next week. Is your friend single? No. Does your friend need a... Well, it doesn't matter. I don't want to fuck him.

Starting point is 00:50:38 I want to go with him. Do you play? Yeah, I play every Tuesday. Wow, in a home game? Yeah, in a local, like in the Red Tooth. And is it a tournament or a cash game? You know, it goes, it's tourney because you can only play cash games in casinos. So in pubs you're only allowed to play tournaments.

Starting point is 00:50:52 But it's a pub league tournament in the UK that goes all the way to Vegas. Oh, I've heard about that. Yeah, I've heard about that. So if you win the whole league, you get a ticket for the main event in... Yes, but you go from your pub to regionals, from regionals to nationals. You know what? Like darts championships. That isn't ideal.

Starting point is 00:51:08 I'd rather just go to a proper casino, sit down... And lose your money in a night. Lose all your money. Yeah. But in a cash game, I like cash better. Yeah, because you know what you're losing then, I guess. You can always walk away.

Starting point is 00:51:19 Also, in a tournament, you can be what's on the bubble. Right, so... Usually I'm after that, I don't have too many McDonald's the days before. After a certain amount of people have been eliminated, the remaining people are what's known as in the money, right? Yeah. So if the last 300-

Starting point is 00:51:34 I'm just gonna keep shuffling while you suck. If the last 300 are in the money- I don't know whose face to smack first. If the last 300 are in the money and you're 301st, so you go out in 301st place, you get nothing, you lose your whole entry fee and you might have been sitting there for two days or something playing. So that's, do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:51:52 That's a hard thing to take mentally. True, but that's part of how you're supposed to adjust your play in tournament play. Everyone tightens up at the bubble. They all just sort of sit there waiting for that one person who's going to shove. And so if you've got the balls to be really aggressive on the bubble, near the bubble, you can really make it, build your stack. If you have enough stack to be... You can really, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:10 Really bullying because no one wants to... I love it. We love poker and cards. Yes, we do. And belattro. I like dogs and poker as well. Okay, so I said 50p. 50p.

Starting point is 00:52:20 Ria, how much do you think for the playing card? Can I change my answer? Yes. I want this one to be my quids in, quids gambit. This is my quids gambit for a pound, which means I take it off of the marbles, right? I did it on the marbles and the marbles I'm gonna drop, I'm gonna drop these to 50p,

Starting point is 00:52:35 which means I'm gonna do the how to speak your dog goes up to 75. And you want the dog to go up to 75p, all right. I'm still, I'm happy so far, but I would like to have another class. Can I give you a quick rundown of your prices so far as we go into the final item? Yes, please.

Starting point is 00:52:49 So, so far, Eli, you have said £1.50, the quid gambit, so that's £2.50 altogether. 75p, which is £3.25, followed by 50p, which is £3.75 all in so far. And we've got- And the window was 4 to 6? 6 to 7. And Ria has £1.75, 75p so that's 250. 50p for the marbles which brings it up to £3 and then the quid's gambit £4. So that's where we lie as we go to the final item. So we're looking So we're looking at, we're looking, I think we're looking for this item to be more expensive than the other one. This is an item I'm surprised we've not had more of on this podcast in the past.

Starting point is 00:53:30 So I've bought one now. It is this. Ria, put your hand out and receive it. Oh, oh, this is kind of cute. Okay. So it's a ship in a bottle. It's a ship in a bottle. It's a ship in a bottle.

Starting point is 00:53:40 It's about five inches long. Talk about the ship in the bottle, please, darling. And keep focus. Da da da da da da da da right. It's got a name. It's called the English cog. It's got a lovely, um, multicolored sail. Yeah. I mean, it's nice for what it is. I like this. Oh, oh. What? Inscription. How strange. It does. It has a sticker on the bottom. It's the Quorn range of model ships. Quorn being, of course, a vegan protein alternative. Made from fungi.

Starting point is 00:54:13 The Quorn range of model ships. So is this made from fungus or it's not a real ship? I mean, I don't know if it's Quorn. I think Quorn is also a place. So I think that's more likely. Is it? Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I see. You know what? You're a clever man. It says here, made in England by Marshall Novel Cross Limited Quorn, Leicestershire. Yeah, it's a place in Leicestershire. Oh, I see. Okay. And this is an English cog from 1485. This small cog was typical of North European ships towards the end of the 15th century. She was used for trade and military purposes and had built up castles for and after where soldiers were stationed.

Starting point is 00:54:51 Built up castles for and after. But there's no, there's no, that, well that takes the price down for me. The fact that there were no castles on the actual ship in the bottle. And just checking, it does unscrew. It does unscrew. Is there an odor? That's what I would do. I would just sniff it. There is an odor. I'm gonna re-screw that on so that there's some left for you. Yeah, go on. Keep the stank in for me. All right, here you go. There you go. Thank you. Oh, and the bottles are quite nice in itself. It's, you know, it's like a three-sided bottle. Is this our final item? Yes. Yes, it is indeed. I'm happy because this does look like it could be

Starting point is 00:55:25 a bit more expensive. And I've got quite a lot to get up, get me up to the bottom of the window. Yeah, nice, nicely looks like a hand painted sail. Not a bad thing. No. And it's got a little sea bit on the bottom. Ocean.

Starting point is 00:55:40 Like a bit of a, Ocean, bit of ocean on it. Bit of modeling clay they've used. Yeah, a bit of ocean. For water. Water. Bit of water. And I'm going to go in for a huff of the stanks. Like a bit of modeling clay they've used to paint the blue. Water. And I'm going to go in for a huff of the stank. Not the cog.

Starting point is 00:55:50 Oh, it does have a smell. You know what that's the smell of? What? It's the smell of the resin they've used to make the ocean and the paint. He really knows a lot of stuff. I'm very impressed with how much that man knows. Thank you. I mean, I never get praise from him about it. And you're never ever going to as well, just for the record. Who's guessing this one first? I believe you are. No, Rhea is now. It's the final one. So yeah, it'll be you two. I'm going for a strong £2.40. £2.40? Because it brings me

Starting point is 00:56:20 to £6.40, which is between £6 and £7. I was going to go £2.50, but I just thought, I don't know. You want a plate? You want a lowball? I don't know, £2.40. I'm going to say £3 on the nose for that. He has to smell it. He has to smell it. It does smell of paint, doesn't it? I didn't want that in my body, I'm going to be honest. No, you know what? I'm not going to do that obvious gag.

Starting point is 00:56:41 Right, Eli, how much do you think it's going to be then? Rhea has said £2.40. I'm saying £3. You're saying £3. Yes, how much do you think it's going to be then? Rhea has said 240. I'm saying three. You're saying three. Yes. Right, do you want to go through the prices very quickly? No, we did it. We did that.

Starting point is 00:56:51 I'm having an amazing run of form at this game, I have to say. In the last two games, officially, I've scored 12 for Twinks. You have done very well. That's very impressive. I mean, I hate, I mean, we, I refuse to give the How to Speak dog the quids gambit, but I suspect it is a quids gambit. I just don't want it to be. So. Which would be your favorite item? You wanted to take one away with you today, Ria? Yeah. Oh, probably. Oh, you see the pack of cards always

Starting point is 00:57:19 can do with a pack of cards. I would use these and I'm from Amsterdam, so the pack of cards speaks to me, but I love how kitsch the ship in a bottle is. But cards would be for me. Yeah I'd go for the cards as well but I've got loads of cards. I collect playing cards. Do you? Yes. Oh well I can't take away from a collection. No I don't want that one. Thank you. Well either way it's going in the bin. Right so what did you say £3? Are we ready for the final scores? It's time to reveal the betwings! Right, so for the first item, the Corksicle, Eli said £1.50, Ria said £1.75. The actual price? £1.50! So Eli gets two betwens, Ria gets four.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Congratulations. I can't stop scoring, man. I cannot stop scoring. You have been doing this for 10 years and I've done it once. I've, historically, I've got less than him. Oh really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:15 Oh well, you're just the Paul Merton of today, aren't you? I might be moving into my royal petween phase. You might be, yeah. You might be finally ascending into something greater. OK. Right. OK. Next thing is the dog card.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Eli said he wanted to play the quids gambit. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right on that. Rhea played 75p on that. So even if it is the quids gambit, you will get a between. But I've got a feeling we're both off. Your feeling is correct. It was two pounds for that load of old bollocks. That means your quid gambit dream is still in play.

Starting point is 00:58:50 Oh it's still in play. Marbles, marbles, marbles. Here we go marbles. Rhea said 50p, Eli said 75p, the answer was... £1! That was our quid- that really? That was the quid gambit game, and that was the one you originally put down as the quid gambit. And then I moved it, didn't I? And you could have walked away with four putwings today, but she does get one. Did she say 75? Yes, you get one putwing, and Eli gets...

Starting point is 00:59:23 No or not, you have two. No. Oh, did I get one for that? Oh, okay. No, no, wait, no, you said 50p, so you don't get a between because it's 25p the way you get a between because it's 75. Yes, sorry, you're ahead, you're ahead. It's 2-0. I just can't stop scoring. No, no, you've got more than two. You've got two for... You've got three now. Yeah, you've got three points and I... Yeah. Do I have any? You got one point. What? Oh, I got one. No. You did. You got it fit one pound fifty which it was. The cortical was one pound fifty. I didn't say one pound fifty. You did say one pound fifty. What did you say? I wrote it down and you haven't changed the price. What do you think you said? You said one fifty. You did say one fifty. No don't take it away. I don't know what I wrote down so I'm gonna have to sadly take away those two points. No it's fine. He Don't take them away. He said that. I was here. I witnessed it.

Starting point is 01:00:05 He said that. I'm beginning to think that actually maybe I wrote it down wrong, and that's bad for me. So I'm going to take away those two points. Is that all right? Don't take away the betweens. Give them to me. I might move them over.

Starting point is 01:00:14 Don't, please. This is hurting me. I've got three betweens. You've got three. I've got one. We've got one. Right, next one was the marbles. No, we didn't do that.

Starting point is 01:00:24 We just did that. That was the quid scambot. No, we don't have one. You don't have one? No, we don't have one. That was the quids gambit though. Yeah, that's right. So it's the cards. It is the Amsterdam cards. That I moved from. Okay.

Starting point is 01:00:32 Yeah, okay. And you played the quids gambit for that, Ria. Yeah. And Eli said 50p. The cards were 50p. Another two points for Eli. Can I have the cards now? Yes.

Starting point is 01:00:42 Thanks. And then finally, the ship in a bottle. I cannot believe I'm scoring five for Twings. Well that's all you get. We're on £3.50, £4.50, £5. So this is going to be between £1 and £2. And you'd be correct because the actual price of the ship in a bottle was £1.50 so if no one gets anything there which means Rhea walked away with one between but Eli stridently confidently walked away with five betweens on this Congratulations! Congratulations Eli now you can make a speech Thanks everyone I've been working towards this for a long time That's enough of the speech

Starting point is 01:01:17 Right we're gonna move on How is the how to speak dog more expensive than the ship in a bottle for god's sake? It is common these kind of things always end up being vastly overpriced and I'm never sure why. Do you know what I bet it was? I bet that they went, this is shit, but because all the stickers are still the original stickers, keeping it shut, we're going to up the price. Because it's new. They often do that in charity shows.

Starting point is 01:01:37 They're actually new. Whereas board games, usually if they've been torn asunder, they're cheap as a result. But sometimes I've looked out and got really, really nice board games for no money at all. So it's just the gamble that we take playing Cheap Show on a regular basis, but we're going to come back for our Ganon's Golden Games section right after this. So anyway, I said to the bishop, why, you're never going to grow plums at that rate. You're never going to grow plums at that rate. Anyway, you've just caught me and Eli having a wonderful top banter moment. And we're here to tell you that unfortunately the next bit of the podcast we didn't record, well, I didn't record.

Starting point is 01:02:16 Eli knocked the power out and I forgot to re-record, so it's both our faults. Yes, it was to do with the unfamiliar recording environment that we both found ourselves in on that day, Paul. Yeah, so my plan was to use the audio from the 360 camera which was filming it at the time, but it sounded bollocks, so I thought no, no, that's my call. And it was only like nine minutes we wasted. Oh, you said 11 minutes to me. Yeah, but two of those minutes were just banter and fluff and like before we actually properly started recording right so we didn't lose that much

Starting point is 01:02:49 So we can now use this moment this opportunity as we're having high tea and waiting for our McDonald's to come new McDonald's coming through everyone big arch the big arch. I'm sure that's something they've done in the American market the big arch Big griddle the big McGriddle. That's why I. I've had an update right now, the rider is nearby. What the fuck? They're nearby, come on, let's get this done. Have I got news for you? So yeah, so basically we're doing Gannon's Golden Games. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:16 We're playing Have I Got News For You, which is a board game based on the TV show, wrong, long running TV show. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, running TV show. Have I got news for you where it's like a topical panel news quiz comedy show with comedians and writers and politicians all looking and laughing at the news of the week. It's been going since 1990.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Angus Dayton was the original presenter. And then he got kicked off for Drugs and Prozies. Drugs and Prozies or Coke and Hookers. Is there another way of saying that? Dope and rope. No, dope and... Ho. or coke and hookers. Is there another way of saying that? Dope and rope. No, dope and... Ho. Dope and hoes.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Dope and hoes. We forgot them. We haven't forgotten shit you've forgotten. Coke and hookers, dope and hoes, drugs and prozies. Anyway, that's what happened to him. There was Ian Hitzlop and Paul Merton as team captains. They have been the stalwarts team captains over the years. Yeah and Paul Merton's known for his comedy and surrealism.

Starting point is 01:04:10 Ian Hitzlop's known for the private eye and he's a lawyer wasn't he as well? I do not know his background but yes he's quite serious not really comedian which is why he tempers Merton's absurdism doesn't he? So anyway between the two of them every every week for the past fucking 80 years, they've been doing this show, the board game is based on the rounds within the show, and because Rhea Leano, our guest this week, as you've already heard.

Starting point is 01:04:32 Hello Rhea. Hello Rhea. Had been on the show a few times, we thought we'd say, hey, let's put you through your paces here, and then she told us, oh, she usually has four or five days to write the gags for that in advance. No, they're a team of writers, helping them write the gags as well, everyone. Anyway, they're a team of writers helping them write the gags as well.

Starting point is 01:04:46 Anyway, the bicycle is coming around the corner with our Big Mac. Enjoy the rest of the episode everybody. So all you missed was Ria telling us a little bit about the behind the scenes stuff. Basically that she gets some of the stuff in advance. And you may be able to hear it if you do support us on Patreon at some point today. Yeah, the 360 video will have the stuff that we lost here today. However, the burger's coming, burger's coming. Right, we're handing you back to the episode. We're handing you back to the episode right now.

Starting point is 01:05:10 Here we go. Love it. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy.

Starting point is 01:05:38 I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. Baby hands up, give me your love, give me, give me your love, give me, give me. We literally sang that in last week's episode as well. That's Otto Warn, isn't it? Otto Warn, you mentioned it before. His first words as a baby were D-I-S-C-O, which is weird.

Starting point is 01:06:00 Absolutely true. But that's a different song. Hands up, baby, hands up, give me your love, give me, give me your love. It's not the same as D-I-'s so sad about it is that he was trying to sing b i n g o and just join in with the other kids i was a cool baby with disco baby i was down with the scene i was down with the uh it's so bizarre that's your first words mine were like all gone like every other kid as well used to do clickings with me fingers at the same time. Right here's the board. In the board version of it you're literally going around and around and around. There's teams and that's literally the rules. My gosh

Starting point is 01:06:32 look how young everyone on the board is. Well this came from. I mean. This book came in 2000. Blair, Saddam Hussein. Clinton, Bush. Bush Jr. Who was that MP who wrote the books? That is Jeffrey Archer. Oh Archer. Bojo, upside down, up there. The Hamiltons. Oh my gosh, the Hamiltons. You know what, I longed for a time when the worst thing we had to worry about in politics was just the Hamiltons. Yeah, and who was driving.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Were they having sex parties or? No, remember she took the blame for him on a driving thing. Ah, that's right. They are corrupt. So the basic- So wait, how are we not playing it without the board? Because all you got to do is move around the board whatever you land on is a card or Okay, so we're just gonna play it basically or you get a little card for the prices. Yeah, it's good

Starting point is 01:07:14 Oh, there's a little there's a little thing where you can keep score. It's a flip charts. Yeah One is team a and the other is just not. So are we competing here Paul? You and Eli and I'm going to be Angus Deaton. Me and Eli? Rhea and Eli are going to be competing against each other. Okay. And I'm going to be Angus Deaton so I get to do the thing where it's like on team A is Eli Silverman and Rasputin.

Starting point is 01:07:38 Long heard Shaggy Scourge of the country whose arrogance and ego brought misery to thousands. And Eli Silverman. Oh no, Rasputin. Dude, you fucked that joke up. You fucked everything up. I did it on purpose. Oh yeah. Of course I did.

Starting point is 01:07:53 Yeah. Rasputin apparently smelled like a donkey but was an incredible lay. I'm pretty sure that's not what the women wanted. Incredible lay. Yeah, like a donkey, right? Right, so I guess you put up with the smell if you get the girth. Eli is teammate. Christ.

Starting point is 01:08:10 What Christ? What, that disgusts you? You've been going about shagging dogs all day. How dare you, Surs. So we are... Oh my gosh, there's years on the cards. Yes, there are... I don't remember those years.

Starting point is 01:08:21 ...five categories in this game to play. One is news of the year, where you've got to answer a question based on the news of the year. That could be anything from the 90s. It goes through to the 90s to the early 2000s. Oh my gosh. And then we have the... 25 years ago.

Starting point is 01:08:37 Then we have fill in the gap game where you see a headline and you've got to think of the words. I was literally raised in a basement. I don't think I knew the news. I don't think I started watching the news until like 2010. If you're in a basement in Amsterdam, aren't you below the water level there? Yeah, I know how to swim. Right. Lots of lovely weed there. Then we've got tabloid headlines where I'm going to read a headline out to you and you've got to tell me what the story was that it related to. Oh, that's fun. That's great. And then we've got a missing

Starting point is 01:09:02 word from the headlines, you know, where you basically have to fill in the blank of the headlines. Yeah, I remember this from the TV show. This is what Paul's really good at. He just he doesn't they give. We have to try and come up with some. He just does it on the fly. Yeah. Yeah. Not you. Yeah. You talk about odd one out.

Starting point is 01:09:19 I'll give you four names and tell me which ones you want out. Simple as that. And then finally is the worst stack of cards in this game which is called Have I Got News For You Nerd Facts? Were there questions about the TV show itself? Oh gosh. Well I think we just covered that in the 20 minutes you didn't record so. This is funny because it's made by Hatrick which is the production company.

Starting point is 01:09:39 They make board games did they? Well they made this one. Well they certainly licensed it. I don't think it's a Hatrick board game. It seems to be. Who made the board game? I'm interested in these things. Parker Brothers. Is it? No. It's Hat-Trick bro. It's not Hat-Trick bro. It's Hat-Trick baby. They probably do, yeah they probably own all the merch. Guppy. Oh Guppy.

Starting point is 01:09:56 Guppy, oh Guppy of course. I have so many Guppy games. It's licensed by Hat-Trick so yeah. Right, Eli, I'll let you go first because you know, you've got the expert here so they've done it for real. So you get to pick the first round. He probably remembers those years better than I do. So do you want to do the year or do you want to do an odd one out? Let's start with a year. Alright. I'm just going to pick one at random. Here we go. And you can steal if he doesn't get it right or something. Oh okay.

Starting point is 01:10:22 Right, Eli. Yes. This is the year 2000. Ah. What did a play called The Accused stage at Brighton's Theatre Royal attract such widespread press attention? Why is it the play? Oh, no, I don't know. Was it the David Mamet one about a lecturer having an affair with a student? No, you're thinking of... No, I know which one you're thinking of.

Starting point is 01:10:42 That's all I've got. Yeah, it's not that play, but it isn't that one. No. That's all I've got. You've not got. So why, okay, I'll hand it over to Ria. No, I, did you say what year is this? 2000. This is 2000.

Starting point is 01:10:53 Oh, see, I thought it was possibly about that guy who coughed in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but I don't know if that happened after 2000. Oh, there was a play about that. There was a play about that. They made a play about the man who coughed. Yeah. Yeah. Because it was a whole scam. I know the story. It was a play about that. There was a play about that. They made a play about the man who coughed. Yeah, because it was a whole scam. I know the story, but, you know, heist. It was a heist, basically.

Starting point is 01:11:09 I think that happened after, like I said, anything before 2005. I don't know if I know it, but OK. OK, well, the answer is it was written and starred Jeffrey Archer. The Accused was a tense courtroom drama which left the audience to make their own judgment. And then they put a little witticism at the end. And the judgment being what was worse, the acting or the writing. He's a...

Starting point is 01:11:26 Har har har har har. He's a terrible writer, Geoffrey Archer. And human being just across the board. Yeah. What a dogshit man. Just clarify for me, nothing to do with the Radio 4 show The Archers, right? No, no, absolutely not.

Starting point is 01:11:38 That confused me for years. Oh, when they said Geoffrey Archer, you thought they were talking about like a farm... Well, yeah, I wouldn't... I didn't know who was real and who wasn't. Well one was about a Toff whose privilege lets them get away with murder and the other one's the Archie's Radio 4. Anyway, next one for you.

Starting point is 01:11:56 Alright, give it to me. 1998 I'm going for. Which influential musical collective appeared on the national lottery draw without their spokesman and creative driving force causing the group to eventually fragment? It's an overwritten sentence, this, but the answer's quite simple. Yeah, that's a very long, okay, so 1998, and then they fragmented.

Starting point is 01:12:16 I'll keep it simple. So I know two names that, okay, I'm gonna go take that. They broke up, didn't they? He left, one of them left. Yeah, they would've left at that time, yeah. Someone left, take that. Go on, do you wanna have a little go, Eli? Is that wrong, then?? He left, one of them left. Yeah, they would have left at that time, yeah. Someone left, take that. Go on, do you wanna have a little go, Eli? What's that wrong, then?

Starting point is 01:12:28 Oh man, some of the- Spice Girls. Eli is right, it's the Spice Girls, but you're not- It was either the boys or the girls. It was either the boys or the girls. Actually, you know what? You are getting a point. I'm getting a point, thank you.

Starting point is 01:12:36 What happened? Why did they need the representation and why did they fragment because of that? Who was it? Was it Geri who didn't turn up? I'm presuming they turned up because it's a largely unscripted show. Posh left first, didn't she?

Starting point is 01:12:46 Yeah, she did, because she's sure they were writing on the wall. She jumped into the Beckham bed, didn't she? She's doing all right. She's doing all right for a woman with almost no talent. But 1998 was when David Beckham fucked up the penalty. So he was not the bed to jump into with that year. Yeah, but if you got Posh, Spice and Beckham and they get together, at that point, it doesn't really matter which one's the most awful.

Starting point is 01:13:05 It's just awful. But no, apparently they weren't on TV and because they had no one there to, you know, coach them, it led to the breakup of the group. But apparently, David's been getting some sort of left-wing cred for calling out Posh Spice's privilege. Basically, yeah. When she tried to claim that she was poor when she was young and he was like, no, you're in a wrong place. That was just one clip in the documentary I think. The rest of the documentary then just like bathing in champagne and fucking you know what I mean? Yeah right. This is nerd facts about the show itself now. Oh boring okay. Right Eli we'll do this one. Okay. Eli who was the very first MP to appear on Have I Got News for

Starting point is 01:13:41 You? Who do you think it would be? And this I think it's got a year no no year, no, no year, so I can't help you. Although they have put a bucket of lard, a tub of lard on it. Because famously there was an episode they booked Boris Johnson for and he didn't turn up. So in his seat they just put a tub of lard. So is it Boris Johnson then? Oh no, it's not by the way. I was just saying that. Well, that's my guess. That was going to be my guess. So I need to name an MP from the 90s. Yes, ideally.

Starting point is 01:14:05 That isn't Boris Johnson, who wasn't an MP back then anyway. No. Geoffrey Archer it was. Yes. Do you want to go with Geoffrey Archer? Hang on, I'm trying to think who else might have been there. Oh, how about Alistair Campbell? Oh, nice call. I know who it is, I think.

Starting point is 01:14:20 Say what? We're going to lock in Alistair Campbell. What do you say? I think it might be Tony Ben. The answer is old labour, old Labour, old school Labour. Old big leftist guy. Yeah. Hero. Oh really? So wait a minute, Jeremy Corbyn was around back then, wasn't he? Yes, but Corbyn wouldn't have been, didn't have an Indian blood.

Starting point is 01:14:33 No, he wasn't on the radar then. Oh, Tony Ben was often on the TV, wasn't he? Very often, yeah. Tony Ben. Alright, was it Tony Ben? No, it was Ken Livingston. Ken Livingston. Was he an MP? Wasn't he the mayor of London at some point? Was that not him?

Starting point is 01:14:46 Was he? Because there's two mayors of London. I think that was just before he became mayor. Oh, OK. Just before when he was an MP, yeah. He was the MP for like Islington, which is where Corbyn is now, I think. No, Corbyn's north Islington. And I think he's been there since the 80s, so... I think Ken Livingston, because I went past his house once in Cricklewood.

Starting point is 01:15:03 OK. Oh, funny enough, I'm not going to ask this but which sex scandal of 2002 was uncannily predicted a year before in a Have I Got News for You programme trail? Sven Gorn Ericsson and Aurika Johnson of all the things. Right, oh watch this one. Panic. That's a different topic. Why is it all, oh fuck it, it's all gone. Right okay. Now we need a nerd, do we need a nerd card? Oh you're just giving one question or each round? Who did I ask the question first last time?

Starting point is 01:15:28 You, so Ria, this is your question. When Michael Winner, disgusting fat film director, appeared on the show as a guest, what did he present Angus Deaton with as a present? What do you think that gross prick might have done? Was it a pen from the retirement plan thing that he used to advertise before he died? No, no.

Starting point is 01:15:48 Although what was the other one? What was it? Calm down, dear. Yeah. Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. With his dinners as well, that's the other thing he used to fucking do.

Starting point is 01:15:56 With that corpulent fuck, went to a restaurant. You remember a lot. And was fed the chef's sperm. Yeah, fucking I would. Um, what would Michael Winner present anyone with? I don't know him very well. Did he do porn? was fed the chef's sperm. Ew. I would. Toothed on it. What would Michael Winner present anyone with? I don't know him very well. Did he do porn?

Starting point is 01:16:09 Was he a porn director? No. No exploitation. Did like Death Wish and those kind of, well, all the Death Wish films. All the Death Wish. So did he present, OK, this was in 02. Was that around the time of the Angus Deaton scandals?

Starting point is 01:16:20 Did he present him with some coke or something? Maybe backstage. But no, the answer is a pair of signed underpants. Who signed them? It doesn't matter. It's his own. I'm the winner. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:32 Oh, OK. God, I can't think of an item I'd want less. Odd One Out. Oh, gosh. Here's the next round of Odd One Out. You're going to thrash me on everything, Eli. I've got one point so far. Yeah, but it's...

Starting point is 01:16:41 The Spice Girls. It's everything to my nil. I will start with Rhea this time. Okay. Here are four names. Can you tell me which one of these four names is the odd one out? All right. Sir Ian McKellen.

Starting point is 01:16:51 Okay. As we all know, Gandalf. Suttie, famous silent magician. Frank Bruno, boxer. And Matthew Kelly, game for a laugh, you bet star. And actor, stage actor. He's more of an actor now these days, that's to be fair. Yeah. So Ian McKellen, Suttie, Frank Bruno, Matthew Kelly. Which one of those? Matthew Kelly's an actor? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:06 What's he in? He's done stage musicals and dramas and stuff. Really? Did he do Stars in their Eyes? Was that him? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so one of those is an odd one out.

Starting point is 01:17:14 I'm going to say it isn't... Is Suttie the puppet? Suttie's the puppet with the no voice and the magic tricks. It's tricky because Ian McKellen and Suttie both have had things up their bum, right? That's true, yeah. I'm going to say it isn't... Is Suttie the puppet? S Sooty's the puppet with the no voice and the magic tricks. It's tricky because Ian McKellen and Sooty both have had things up their bum, right? That's true, yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:30 And Matthew Kelly to be fair in this one, we just don't know. Come on guys. So Frank...I mean... So Frank Bruno's the only one who's not had something up his arse. You have no idea what Bruno's like. Is Sooty black? Bruno. No, Sooty is black?

Starting point is 01:17:41 No, he's orange with his... No, he's orange. Oh, okay. I have no idea. Let's, who do I want to lump together? Let's make Matthew Kelly the odd one out. All right, Matthew Kelly. I have no idea why though.

Starting point is 01:17:51 Do you want to have a little guess? You won't get the point, but do you want to have a little guess just for a little bit of a laugh? I mean, Sooty's too obvious, cause Sooty's not human. Okay, that's what you were saying. That's what I'd go for.

Starting point is 01:17:59 Well, although you don't get the point, the answer is Sooty. So here's the reason why. Sooty is the only one to play himself in a pantomime. So Ian McKellen appeared as Widow Twankie in 2004 in Aladdin. Matthew Kelly has appeared in a few pantomimes and Frank Bruno has played the genie of the lamp. He certainly has.

Starting point is 01:18:16 So there's that. Wow, okay. No point for me though. Why? Because I didn't get the reason. Well, because it was Ria's question. Only Ria could get the point. I just wanted to ask you as a bit of fun. Well, I got it right.

Starting point is 01:18:25 A little bit of fun. You did get it right. Right, who's the odd one out after this lot, right? OK. George Bush. I'm presuming senior. Really? It doesn't say which one here, to be fair.

Starting point is 01:18:35 It just says George Bush. George Bush. Actually, it's 2005, this board game. Junior. Yes, junior. OK. No, because that's George W. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:42 That's how they distinguish them. So George Bush is senior. Yeah, you're right. So. So George Bush is senior. So senior, George Bush, the House of Parliament, Holland or your dad. Which one of those is the odd one out? George Bush, the House of Parliament. Don't talk about my dad. Holland. Holland. Not the Netherlands. Holland. It says Holland on the card. I'm reading out what it says. George Bush, House of Parliament, Holland or your dad. Which one's the odd one out? Why my dad? Why are you bringing my dad into this?

Starting point is 01:19:06 I don't know what your dad's done. What's he done? I don't know what your dad's done. He's done nothing to you. Has your dad done the dirty? Dirty diddy? Diddy done the dirty? Diddy diddy dirty. Dodie and Diddy both done dirty.

Starting point is 01:19:17 Right, okay. Come on. Your dad, Holland, House of Parliament, George Bush. Which do you think is the odd one out? What are they? My dad? Holland? Holland. The House of Parliament, George Bush? Which do you think is the odd one out? Are they my dad? Holland? How's the Parliament George Bush? Senior? I'm gonna go with... I know, I know, after you're ready.

Starting point is 01:19:31 Do you have an idea? I have an answer, but it's... I would say, was it my dad? I can't remember. They don't fit together in these things. How's the Parliament Holland and George Bush? Something about... it's like something about being in Europe or something. They're not meant to. Houses of Parliament, Holland and George Bush. And George Bush. Yeah. Something about, it's like something about being in Europe or something. Or visiting Europe.

Starting point is 01:19:49 Or no, Holland being in Europe. I'm going to love the fact that you're not going to get this one right. I don't have any idea. I'm going to say my dad. I'm going to say George Bush. Okay. Because he's the only one who hasn't fucked my mum. Over.

Starting point is 01:20:00 Right. It's Holland. He's the only one that makes sense with your dad. It has to be fucked your mum. We don't say Holland anymore, do we? No. Well, you do, slang-wise, but it could mean the region of the Netherlands that is Holland. Could be, because The Hague is in Holland.

Starting point is 01:20:17 It's a region. Yeah. The answer is, the odd one out is, your dad. No. Here's why. They are all, they all have sauces named after them. Oh my god. Except for your dad, because daddy sauce is named after someone else's daddy.

Starting point is 01:20:31 HP sauce was invented by a grocer from Nottingham who changed the name to HP sauce after hearing it was served in the House of Parliament's restaurant, which is true. Hollandaise sauce is named after Holland and George Bush had a special brand of ketchup named after him called W ketchup How would I fucking know that? Oh so it was the younger one Yeah, I wish it had made it a bit more fun You were right But this year it's had George W Bush then

Starting point is 01:20:53 I like the odd one out round Alright next Who was the odd one out? My dad? Your dad Because everyone else had sauces named after them You don't know that my dad hasn't had a sauce named after him Yeah Yeah you don't know that

Starting point is 01:21:04 Has your dad's got a sauce? Has anyone's dad hands't had a sauce named after him. Yeah, you don't fucking know that. Has your dad's got a sauce, anyone's dad, hands up, got a sauce named after them? Go on then, what's the sauce name? Both hands are up by the way. Yeah, I know. My dad's sauce that had a sauce named after him was called Daddy Special Carl Silverman Sauce, and it was tangy with some sweetness, and I'm lying. Right, and now do you want to join in with me?

Starting point is 01:21:24 Yeah, mine's called Frank's Dressing. Yeah? Yeah, it's a great dressing, it's a salad dressing. tangy with some sweetness and I'm lying. Right, and now do you want to join in with me? Mine's called Frank's Dressing. Yeah? Yeah, it's a great dressing. It's a salad dressing. And it's what Dad called Frank. Yes, we call it Frank's Dressing. And he was known for dressing.

Starting point is 01:21:32 I mean we were the only ones who called it that but you know, I'm sticking with that story. It still counts as a sauce. It counts as a sauce. We put it on salad. Yeah. It's a dressing. But it's a sauce. Dressing is a subcategory of sauce in my book.

Starting point is 01:21:42 Thank you. Yeah, I've checked out. Right, we're going to do tabloid headline. So I'm going to read a headline out for you, and you go tell me what the story is behind that headline. OK, Ria goes first on this one. OK. Bubble bursts for Einstein drug.

Starting point is 01:21:56 Bubble bursts for Einstein drug. Now, you might be better at this if I told you these four days in advance and you could have written something down and got it sorted. Bubble bursts for Einstein drug. This is a story from 1992, if that helps you these four days in advance and you could have written something down and got it sorted. Bubble bursts for Einstein drugs. This is a story from 1992 if that helps you with your down. I mean all I can think of is like did they have drugs back then for like ADHD or anything like that?

Starting point is 01:22:15 I don't know. Bubble bursts for Einstein drug. Einstein bubble. Bubbles? What bubbles? What do you think an Einstein drug might be? A neurotropic. Something that aids mentation.

Starting point is 01:22:25 Yeah, something that makes you feel smarter. That mushroom tea, they've got functional liquids. I've got one. Look down. And this was 1992. This is 1992. So, bubble burrs for Einstein drug. Do you want to pass?

Starting point is 01:22:38 Do you want to have a pun? Do I have to guess the drug? No. Just got to guess what you think the story headline might be about. Anything more specific than that is a bonus. Some drug is way too expensive now. Okay, do you want to go with something similar? Some kind of drug that's meant to make you smart but it didn't sell because...

Starting point is 01:22:52 I'm going to give Eli a half point for that because he's the closest. This was the revelation that vitamin pills have nothing to do with increasing intelligence. Lawcore Natural Health, who had been featured on the documentary QED three years earlier as Britain's largest supplier of vitamin pills, were fined by the magistrates for claiming that their products could improve your IQ. Ah. Oh wow. Good.

Starting point is 01:23:15 Okay. IQ itself is a total sham and the whole concept of intelligence is hugely fuzzy and not clear and distinct. IQ tests are a forceful wrong, I think, in this world. I agree. I agree. I think they can put pressure on people as well. It's just stupid. It's just stupid. And if it really is...

Starting point is 01:23:32 Whistles This is where big boy IQ comes in now and goes, actually, I've got 138. A weird thing with IQ tests as well. And you've got four IQ. That's not great. 134. They tested it at Christmas for something else. Really? That four IQ. That's not good. No, 134. They tested it at Christmas for something else. Really? That's high. That's high. Well, this is okay. I know this is not a story of

Starting point is 01:23:51 woe, but they went, look, you are above average in everything but this one area, but we're not worried. And I went, but that's why you took me in to test me, because I said there's something wrong. They went, yeah, but your test is normal. And I went, but if everything else is above average, then surely my normal test score is the thing we look into. I hate the British one, but that's how they... What was it? What were you bad at?

Starting point is 01:24:12 Word retrieval. Ah. But they said, well, it might be that... I might have that problem. He's got that, he's got that. I've got that serious. I value a person's emotional intelligence, ultimately. Oh yeah, no, I have no EQ.

Starting point is 01:24:22 No, my EQ is shit and through the floor. I quite good word retrieval. But did you know one thing about IQ tests? Over the years since they were invented, the average score, just the average score has been going up. So how is that, what's that measuring then? Education. It's not meant to measure education, it's meant to measure inherent intelligence. Which is a concept that I have a problem with. I think it's just there to keep the Mensa industry afloat. That's what I think. Eli, here is your news headline.

Starting point is 01:24:47 That reminds me, I need to renew my subscription. Eli, here is your headline from 1991. All work and no tea. What do you think that's all about? All work and no tea. What year? 1991. Did they have a problem with Yorkshire tea supplies in 1991?

Starting point is 01:25:03 They might have done. Was there an issue up in Yorkshire or in India to Yorkshire before they made it Yorkshire? Why is it Yorkshire tea? Surely it's not grown in Yorkshire. It's not grown there. But it's made for their water or something like that. Well they have special hard water addition. Yeah they do don't they? In the studio. I think it's just the manufacturing was mostly a northern kind of thing like Tetley's was also a northern company. And maybe even, I don't know, Tetley, PG maybe? I don't know. But maybe I think it was a kind of like a cultural geographic thing about the tea rather than where it actually was sourced from. But also it was marketed, I've heard this,

Starting point is 01:25:37 that the Yorkshire tea was marketed towards old people and it's much stronger than a lot of other brands. I like Yorkshire tea. And I think they figured that old people, as you age, your taste buds, the intensity of flavour goes down as you age, which is depressing as fuck. So they made it strong so that the old people are like, oh, that tastes like property! Because my tongue is old and dead. Anyway, that isn't going for them. I'm going with Yorkshire tea.

Starting point is 01:25:59 I have two bags of Yorkshire tea. Oh, gosh. I put milk in. Listen to this, everyone. It's the fucking main issue of Yorkshire tea. Listen to this, everyone. Milk in first, two bags on top, tea. Oh gosh. I put milk in, listen to this everyone. It's a fucking manuche of your fucking music. Listen to this everyone, milk in first, two bags on top, water on top of that. I don't care what you say. No one does, no one does though, Hila, that's great.

Starting point is 01:26:12 But the milk stops all of the antioxidants, like you're killing any reason for drinking it. We've done this test on the show. What? Because we saw this story, an article about how different ways of preparing tea affected flavor flavour and we put that to the test. Oh I'm not talking flavour, I'm talking how good it is for you. Maybe.

Starting point is 01:26:30 Putting milk in tea can... I have all the other things for my antioxidants. I like green tea. Anyway, here's the answer because I'm getting bored of talking about tea. The answer was in 1991 British construction workers campaigned to put an end to traditional tea breaks as it was affecting their employees' work to do a 40-hour week. So basically it was all the foremans. You were putting them to sleep, weren't you?

Starting point is 01:26:51 No, it was just like... On building sites? Yeah, building sites and things like that, construction, it was like they were having too many tea breaks. Fuck off! So the foremans and the whatever got together to get rid of them. Oh, you're not getting stupidly rich enough, cunts. Fuck this. Wow. Eat the rich.

Starting point is 01:27:04 And finally on the last round we are going to do the filling the gap in the headline. We'll go through a few of these because we can and to wrap this up. Eli, in 1998 here's the story. Royal Corgis ate my what? Pussy. Say some of the good gags for us. Sorry. Oh man, that's brought up a lot of images of the Queen. This is not from the Paul Gannon Observer. The Queen with Whippets on the, you know, anyway. What is quite the news? Oh do you know, I'm going to tell you my uncle's Queen joke, right? The band or the old woman? The woman. Right. So she was on this game show called 20 Questions. Right. And she's the sort of the guest.

Starting point is 01:27:46 The Queen's on 20 Questions. Yes. This is the joke now. And this is what happens on this format of this show is people call up and whoever's the player, shut up, whoever the player is has to ask questions. Yeah. And then guess what the thing the person's talking about.

Starting point is 01:28:02 Yeah. So this person phones up and the Queen's like, hello, first question. Who's asking the question, the queen or the caller? The queen's asking the questions. Why is the queen asking questions? It's like 20 questions. OK.

Starting point is 01:28:12 The guy's got an object. Oh, right. OK. So she's asking. The queen's the game is she has to guess. Is it round? Yeah, exactly. Got it. So she goes... No.

Starting point is 01:28:22 She goes, the guy calls up. Oh, I've got a thing here. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe hehehe he goes, she goes, okay, I'm ready to... You see who's asking the questions. The Queen's asking the questions. Alright. First question, is it something you can eat? And the guy goes, well, sort of. And she goes, is it a speckled vagina? And he goes, yes! That's the joke.

Starting point is 01:28:59 Fuck my life. Is it a speckled vagina? Yeah. I don't... I didn't tell it great. It was my uncle, he's old. What's a speckled vagina? Yeah, I didn't tell it great. It was my uncle, he's old. What's a speckled vagina? It's something you can sort of eat.

Starting point is 01:29:08 I don't know what happened there. The Queen! Okay. I thought that might have been, I don't know, better or good. I'm the Queen! Next. Anyway, Royal Corgis ate my what, Eli? Birthday cake.

Starting point is 01:29:20 Ria, what do you think? Royal Corgis ate my... Oh, we're not going with my original pussy? I know. I'm going to put a pin in that. Um, breakfast. What do you think? Royal Corgis ate my... We're not going with my original pussy? I know that. I'm going to put a pin in that. Breakfast. The answer is Royal Corgis ate my jigsaw. One of 12 jigsaws that the Queen borrows from the Royal Library.

Starting point is 01:29:34 Apparently a Corgi ate one. Why does she have to fucking borrow jigsaws? She could fucking... Buy them. Own a lot of jigsaws. And then give them to charity. You know what I mean? Ria, you can start with this next one.

Starting point is 01:29:44 1999, pigs saved what what? Pig saved pork. I don't, oh god. That's what I would have said. Pig saved bacon. That's the answer actually. Yeah, there you go. Eric Nicholson. That's all funny. There's a phrase save my bacon meaning get me out of a sticky situation. I know that pigs fly or pigs don't fly. Pigs can fly. Pigs can't fly. Save my bacon. Save my bacon. So pig saved bacon. That's not funny. It's about Pig who helped to rescue someone. Eric Nicholson had a pig's heart valve transplanted into him in a life-saving operation. I don't think that lasted very long. I think he probably died shortly after. They do. They always do. Well, we only, this board game only goes to

Starting point is 01:30:24 2005 so we can't stay... What was his name? Eric Nicholson. Heart Pig Valve. Eli, there's a lot of blank out there. And you can't say pussy either. There isn't, not for me, god. No, there's not. It's all married when you get to my edge.

Starting point is 01:30:40 This one doesn't even have a fucking... This comes from a guest publication, American Window Cleaner. So does that help you? There's a lot of blank out there windows dirty windows the answer is glass that's close enough to give him that I mean that's window and anything on the pig heart guy Eric Nicholson heart pig valve replacement so far no like lots of science that might be because it's my algorithm I don't think he's gonna make the front page of Google no doesn't look like it no anyway Ria here's your final we're gonna do one last one all right here is blank by seal lines shocks scientists this is from

Starting point is 01:31:18 2000 blank by sea lions shocked scientists seal lions seal lions seal Blank by Seal Lions, Shocked Scientists. Seal Lions. Seal Lions. Seal Lions. Seal Lions. Seal Lions. I think that's what they call them male. Not a sea lion, but a seal lion. Yeah, I thought it was a sea lion. It was a sea lion. Is it a seal lion?

Starting point is 01:31:32 Have we been saying it wrong all these years? Just what is Blank, Ria, by Sea Lions, Shocked Scientists? Jungle Song by Seal, comma, Lions, Shocked Scientists. It's two separate lines. Two separate stories go on Eli what have you got? New song. Right here we go. The answer is cannibalism by sea lions shock scientists. Male sea lions were discovered to drag their young into the sea before eating them. Pass out this is what Timothy was about. Timothy. Right so we'll do one last one. Here we go. by 2010 this is

Starting point is 01:32:05 obviously a board game in 2005 but this says in 2010 Britain will be blank Eli what do you think? Sliding towards authoritarianism. And Ria? Well actually I can't beat that I was gonna say independent of that EU monolith that's terrible that doesn't give us our own sovereignty I like your answer yours is a wonderfully concise answer And the answer is by 2010 in the sea in the sea No by 2010 Britain will be a giant singles bar single women were Predicted to thrive due to their enhanced social skills a load of crap, I can't find any. Well, we were at a party the other night.

Starting point is 01:32:45 No, we're all here, we just don't advertise it because we're so happy. The lady was very flirty and then said, this is my husband. Oh no. Oh, when was this? At the party, I was out in Bristol the other day. And you nearly had a three weight.

Starting point is 01:32:56 No, and I sort of just went. You could have. I kind of went, oh, it's your husband, is it? Oh. It was very funny, it was funny. Took it down to my thigh, good stuff. Well, just put it in your band or put it under your erection because you were almost excited. You can either put it on your side and tuck it into the side of your jockstrap or you

Starting point is 01:33:12 can just peek it into the, against the fabric of your jockers and just pin it against your belly button. It doesn't offer that high. It's never gone that high. It will never go that high. I have three words for you. Yeah. Drugs. Dick. Experience. That's a great band. I want to join it. Right, who won? I don't care. Eli won. Eli won.

Starting point is 01:33:30 It's Eli's day. I won both games. You did very well. And that will do, because that was another fucking half an hour. Right, we're wrapping this bugger up. Woo. That's it. That's for Cheap Show this week.

Starting point is 01:33:41 Ria Lina, thank you very much for joining us on the show. After 10 years of waiting, it probably wasn't worth it. Can I get out of this box? No? But if you've got anything you need to plug, if you want to plug anything... What does this go out? It will go out this Friday. Oh, well, I'm doing all of Edinburgh, if anyone's going to Ed French. I've heard that rumour.

Starting point is 01:34:00 Lately you've been... I'm doing the entire festival. You are? Yeah. In what venue? In... I mean, Cabaret Voltaire. Oh, that's nice. At 2.25pm in the afternoon. Yeah, I'm looking the entire festival. You are? In what venue? In, I mean, Cabaret Voltaire. At 2.25pm in the afternoon. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Starting point is 01:34:09 And then I'm on tour around the UK from September onwards. Well, it's all busy, busy, busy for Rhea. Do you have a website? How long is your show an hour? It will be an hour in Edinburgh, because that's all you can do. And it'll naturally expand over time as as tours always do on the tour. And did you write it yourself? Or did you have friends write it for you to write bits?

Starting point is 01:34:30 Or is it all yours? Well, you know what? I could answer that. Weren't written. Oh. Yeah. This is what I was getting at. This is what I was getting at.

Starting point is 01:34:38 We're still a few months out. This is why I need to leave the box. I need to go and panic about my show after this. But you've got great crowd work that you do. So that's a big element. I mean, and that, so I'll probably MC when I'm on tour, I'll MC the first half. I'll have a friend open and then I'll do my show in the second half. But I do, I do love crowd work. And you know what, Eli is available for opening.

Starting point is 01:34:57 I am not, I don't do stand-up anymore. And, you know, we never did it before. I bloody did! I had a good 20 minutes and I would have got somewhere if I wasn't horribly lazy. Oh, and tickets are on realena.com. realena.com, Ria, thank you for joining us. We're going to see you at the live show at the end of the year. Yes, it's not at the end of the year, it's in the fourth quarter, let's be honest. The 18th of October is not end of year. We're close to it though. It's close to the end of the year. He does this Loveth Poole thing, he likes to count away his life. I like to round up

Starting point is 01:35:26 my life so I can end it fucking quicker. Right, so Eli, do you have anything you want to talk about? House of Pickle sound, show, radio? This Sunday and every two weeks, two till four on Soho Radio. We're actually in the Soho Radio building. We are indeed, right now thank you to Soho Radio Studios for letting us use the booth today. It's a music show I do. And other than that, yes, the album is still on its way. The live show tickets you can find in the metadata for this episode. But by and large, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk for everything. It's your one stop shop.

Starting point is 01:35:54 To those who support us on Patreon, thank you. We love you. And if you want to get involved and get access to loads of behind the scenes videos, magazines, extra podcasts, extra bits and bobs. Dick pics. You can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and like we as we like to say, give what you can but only if you can and if you can't just share the word, spread the love. Oh you don't have to do that either. You can that'd be nice though on reviews on podcast apps that you listen to of your choice. You could just listen silently for years and never interact. No, get involved. Stop being fucking silent.

Starting point is 01:36:26 Fucking stand up. Fucking get involved. Okay. Fucking silence. Just listen. I won't get involved. Fucking do it. Love me, love me, love me. You're killing me. Oh my god. I know. Those people are killing our podcast. They quietly listen and they do nothing. Listen. Get involved. Speak up. If you don't have your say now, by the time you want to say something it'll be suppressed. So say it while you can speak. Good night!

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CheapShow - Ep 441: Have I Got Spooge For You

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