CheapShow - Ep 442: Another Office Day Trip To Brighton (Mono Edition)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Ask me, Mr Silverman, what I have for breakfast. What did you have for breakfast today, Paul? Well, you know I went to McDonald's. Yes. So why don't you think based on what you know. Oh, I mean I know what you got then. Yes, so you tell me what I got today. You got a double sausage egg McMuffin meal.

Starting point is 00:00:18 Correct. You selected hash brown rather than fruit bag. And you got a latte as your drink and and extra for hash brown I don't know now I now I'm stumped extra I'm stumped porridge oh you got porridge and bacon roll with HP sauce Wow Wow, you're hungry. And a large, I had a fierce appetite this morning. You really did. Because I woke up and I had the most immense need for doings and it all came out, all came out.

Starting point is 00:00:53 I felt like it was empty, that was the only way I had to restock. I don't know if this is the best way. I mean, it's what we always talk about. Well, then I'll have a little self-report on my own, bowel situ. Look, guess what? Three words, can I just say three words? Yeah, go for it.

Starting point is 00:01:08 Difficult bowel movement. I've had got a bit of constipation today, Paul. Oh, so you're bunged up rather than loosey-goosey. Yeah. No one wants to be loose. But at least I'm aware of that, and now I'm not straining because I know I'd give myself piles if I did that. Anyway, 50 years old, everyone.

Starting point is 00:01:22 Ha ha ha. Fun times. Your colon is 50 years why don't you explain to everyone what's going on nothing hello everyone nothing's going on today we're not going to Brighton we're not on a trailer Victoria waiting we're not gonna have a lovely day out and we're not gonna try and see to we have some more fun in a location so many of you enjoyed this I this is you you're just scraping the you're now doing doing what all the major streaming services do

Starting point is 00:01:48 and trying to scrape for IP, scrape your own back catalogue for IP, aren't you? You're dirt-er. Dirty boy. I'm a dirty IP scraper. Right, Mellow, why name it IP Scraper? Didn't it win at one best episode? When we...

Starting point is 00:02:02 Rhiannon's Cheap Show show awards it won best ever episode didn't it yeah it was the listener favorite so that's that's big IP and that's why we thought we'd take the appropriate measures to try go back to that well and see if we scrape the barrel of content there actually no you know what it is I just want a day out and it's a lovely day and I thought let's go back and this time I'm playing it straight edge. No booze, no naughty cigarettes. I'm straight edge today. Yeah straight edge because I also don't want to spend 80% of my time trying to find a place to urinate this time out. I don't want that to be a thing. You do want it to be a thing really

Starting point is 00:02:39 though. This is all part of the mystique of the Brighton episode, the original one. Now, what people do want to know about is what sources has Eli brought today? Well, you're in luck, everyone. Oh, he's got a boom bang a bang box. Garlic mayo. It's very good. I know you don't care for garlic, but that is a very good. I can't get McDonald's without that. Have you had the McDonald's Frank's hot mayo yet? Yeah, it's nice. Dry, not much spicy, not much heat as you'd think, but it's got a nice

Starting point is 00:03:13 Frank's Red Hot is a very tart and vinegary hot sauce. So that's what people crave sometimes. And I find I crave the salt and the vinegar in hot sauce as much as the heat, you know? I like a dry like no no that's enough now no I let you pontificate oh hang on little Hampton we're going to Little Hampton yeah they're gonna be all right then the two lovely French ladies who are like, Is this going to Gadwick? We were like, yeah, maybe, possibly. Look at the sign! Gaji, look at the sign!

Starting point is 00:03:50 Anyway, just a quick run down of the rest of the sauces. Yeah, because this is an intro, it doesn't need to be. Just a quick run down of the rest of the sauces. Ten seconds. No! Don't give me time like that. We've got soy sauce, we're leaving the station everyone. A lem sip, that's not officially a sauce. I'm opening the other side of the box.

Starting point is 00:04:09 Oh, classic Heinz tomato ketchup. And two from Leon, because I went to Leon yesterday. It's terrible Leon. Yeah. It wasn't very good at all. They gave, but the lady who was in a very bad mood did give me all three of the sources When she handed me my bag lay on a only Garlic another garlic. Oh, you know what I like sources

Starting point is 00:04:34 Leon chili sauce Well with all that out of the way we can now get on to our days adventure because Paul Gannon Eli Sylvan you're going back to the well and we're going back to Brighton. Back to the well, that's the phrase. So we're going back to the IP well. The goodwill well. Yeah and we are going to see if we can have another fun day in the sun on Brighton Beach and hey why don't you come along with us and see what happens. We haven't got a plot. Well that was my intro and then the music comes in. I know but just before you go, when we come back up I do have some suggestions for things we can do. So we need to do that on the train, don't we?

Starting point is 00:05:11 So next time you hear our voices, we'll be coming into Brighton and looking at the things we might be doing today. But we're going to Brighton. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is the episode where we go to Brighton. See you after this musical sting introduction. My My flying buttons are undone. Is it on? Do you know what I have in my legs? What? Doms.

Starting point is 00:06:14 Doms? Doms. Delayed onset, muscular strain from all the dancing I've been doing. And humping records. Here we are in Hove. We're late. We're late. Right, yes.

Starting point is 00:06:24 Hello. Welcome back to theove. We're light. We're light. Right, yes, hello. Welcome back to the podcast. Eli and I are... The train leaves here in seven minutes, but I'm not sure what platform. We've arrived at Hove after a reasonably lovely gentle journey. I think we need to go out on the subway. Where's that though? Go, you do some research for a change, you take control. All right. There's a stairs that go under. Yeah, there's under stairs.

Starting point is 00:06:56 Let's go on the under stairs. Yeah, it's not going here. The second one's going to Bogna Regis. We don't want to go to Bogna Regis. No one wants to go Bogna Regis. Right, let's to go to Bogna Regis. No one wants to go to Bogna Regis. Right let's go on the rear. So hello, yes we are at Hove. We are now going to change at Hove to go to Brighton. Our ticket meant we had to change. Look at this subway. I know. Do you want to take a picture of me in this subway being sexy?

Starting point is 00:07:35 Yeah, I wouldn't say cool Because there's nothing particularly You're right. No, Only Ghostbusters themed things are poor. Ah ha, that was God tripping you up for being mad about Ghostbusters. Must have been a ghost. Yeah, a ghost tripped you up. Right, Brighton, 12 o'clock on this platform, job done. I was right, wasn't I? Er...

Starting point is 00:07:57 About the subway coming to the other platform. Just let me know. But I don't mind. Paul, shall I... What? Give you the suggestions that Mark has given me for things we could do in Brighton. Yes.

Starting point is 00:08:09 So, a good friend, what can I say, of the show, but I don't think he listens, but a friend of Eli Silverman's called Mark Allen. He was an early friend of the show, but he's got his own podcast now, Neuro Shambles. Neuro Shambles. Yes, where he interviews people who have neurodivergent children. I can't make fun of that.

Starting point is 00:08:31 How am I meant to make fun of that? Mark wants executive producer credit on this, so is that OK? We'll negotiate off recording about that, I think. Let's see his suggestions. Because he hasn't put any actual financial you know involvement into this. Send us a couple of quid and we'll consider it. Tell him ten pound gets him executive no 25 pound gets him executive producer rights on any episode of cheap show podcast so as a result anyway Mark Allen is a resident of

Starting point is 00:09:02 Brighton and he has sent us some ideas of what we can do because we don't want to retread completely what we did last time so we're not gonna I guess. So what did he say? First thing he said I reckon this would be great for your socials. Because you said you wanted to do the elephant's hole or something what was it called? The elephant's trumpet. What was it called? Name other bits of elephant please. I like this. The elephant ears. I love it when you list things. Come on, more.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Rhino wang. No, Rhino wang. That's illegal. You can't have grated rhino. I've got some grated Rhino wang in my bag. You put it on pizza. I need caffeine. I'm not ready for this. I need a bit more caffeine. The bantering and the Rappatage. What is it? What's that word?

Starting point is 00:09:49 Rappatage. Now you've said it wrong. It's in my head. Rappatage. Repertoire? Rappatage. No, it's Rapparty. Rapparty.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Fucking hell, man. Why are you getting angry at me? You're the one who fucked it up. I'm not getting angry. Right. I'm dissembling. Anyway, it's nearly midday and our train will be here in two minutes. Oh, man. Why are you getting angry at me? You're the one who fucked it up. I'm not getting angry. Right. I'm dissembling.

Starting point is 00:10:07 Anyway, it's nearly midday and our train will be here in two minutes, so go on. Two minutes? Oh, that was a quick seven minutes. Wasn't it? Anyway. Yeah. Oh, here it is. It's our train already. Calling a Brian over. Yeah. Well, that's good, innit, because we're only going, Brian. Fucking great.

Starting point is 00:10:23 But that's fine. We can still go through the list. Shall we get on the train and then I'll tell you his suggestions, yeah? Yeah, if's good, isn't it? Because we're only going, Brian. Fucking great. But that's fine, we can still go through the list. Shall we get on the train and then I'll tell you his suggestions, yeah? Yeah, if you want. No, I want. I don't want to do whatever you want. Do whatever you want, mate. Oh, mate. I mean, you know what, I'm in good spirit today, ladies and gentlemen, good spirits.

Starting point is 00:10:38 I've had a half decent sleep, I'm feeling fruity, I'm straight edged today. So, I mean, no booze, no alcohol, no drugs, no nothing. Straight edge all the way through today. You're not going to get through the whole day, mate. Mate, I can feel it in my heart. Right, we can... Oh, a little rebel. I know, yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:59 Of course, this is the minute where we sit down straight away. That's when someone comes out and goes, You're in first class, oink, get out! We're only going one stop, they won't mind if we sit in first class for a bit because what do you think makes this first class and not that bunch of shit seats? It's this napkin that says first class that they've strewn over the back of the headrest. And as a result you then have to pay another 70 quid more on top. Ooh, I feel you. My hair is not touching directly onto the headrest. as a result you then have to pay another 70 quid more on top Oh, I feel you my hair is not touching directly onto the headrest. Oh the luxury

Starting point is 00:11:30 Hi, it's bullshit. It's a scam. I Think first class is a scam now, especially more than You never ever see any people in first class. It doesn't really fucking matter So why so much of the carriage is taken up with it? I don't know Hmm. Anyway, what did he say? This would be great for our socials. Welcome to Upside Down House UK, a unique photo experience that defies gravity. No, I'm up for that.

Starting point is 00:11:53 I know, I need you to. Although do I have to pay to go to an upside down house? I think we're going to have to pay. Shall I see how much it is? Yeah, go on. Oh look, it's like an upside down house and you can take photos and you're upside down. Yeah didn't we just explain that. Oh oh oh oh oh. All right so. Yeah it's like that. See she's on the ceiling.

Starting point is 00:12:19 I don't know I'm not sold on that that's a six out of ten at best for me as an option. Oh you were more excited before. They've got loads of uptight downhouses, one in Bristol, one in Lakeside, Westfield, White City. We'll just do one near us. Come on, it would be great for our socials. How much does it cost? You know what would be great for our socials? Not having our socials or my fascists. That would be good for our socials, yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:46 It's £7.45. not having our socials or my fascists. That would be good for our socials, yeah. So, alright, we'll put a... It's £7.45. We'll put a pin in that. I'm not against it. It's something... It's a possibility. It's a possibility. Or we could just go to a normal house and turn our phones upside down. Yes, I mean, it's... yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:59 It's pure... dystopian Instagram content generating non-thing. Anyway, that's my opinion fancy having the balls to just go to an arts council grant and go my thing is upside down houses for Instagram people to take pictures good here's some money to do that people yeah but it's like those murals you see now that are just for like angel wings or whatever literally just designed as a gimmick so people can take a photo on their phone. I guess it's just the way of the world.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Asinine, Fassile, Sheit. Asinine, Fassile, Sheit. Asinine, Fassile, Sheit. Boom, boom. Asinine, Fassile, Sheit. Boom, boom. Raffahti, Raffahti, Raffahti. Raffa-Groffa-Jadda, Raffa-Dum-Dum, Raffa-Dippi-Dum. Look at this, I love these man-made cliffs that you get here. Oh, see, we're on Brighton, no time at all here. I love these man-made concrete cliffs on the way into Brian

Starting point is 00:13:49 Anyway, they're not man-made cliffs are they God And so God made everything yes, all man does is manipulate God's graft. Yes. Okay fine God's graft Groth Okay, fine. God's Gruff'd. Gruff'd Gruff'd. Shut up! Wow. Booth Museum of Natural History. Right. Museum in Brighton and Hove. Okay, and you know what he says? I know that sounds pretty dry on the face of it.

Starting point is 00:14:17 Don't know if it's open at the moment, so ring to check, but there's some very creepy and weird taxidermy in there. Hmm. Hmm. but there's some very creepy and weird taxidermy in there. Mmm... Mmm... So, Mark's not really working on it as an executive producer. I'm telling you, he needs to work harder. Do you know why he's failing? He hasn't listened to the source material to understand the baseline of what all audiences want.

Starting point is 00:14:42 What do we want? Back alleys, mucky bins. We can find those by ourselves, can't we? Human wreckage. That's what we excel in. Human wreckage. We are, we are human wreckage. Do you want the third? Go on, quickly, because the train's coming in. This is good. Mechanical Memories Brighton Museum. Oh, we went there last time. Did we? Yeah, Memo and, er, we... Mechanical Memories Museum, by the pier. Yeah, well, the automons and the pinball machines from the past and stuff. Ah, can we go back?

Starting point is 00:15:06 Yes, because we hardly spent any time there last time. Okay, cool. Well, that's it. He's reminded us. Maybe that's executive producer worthy. Well, I mean, he's recommended the one thing that A, we've already done, and B, we're probably going to do again anyway. So I don't know about that. Right, here we are in Brighton, everyone. Right, we're going to get through the booth and then we'll see how things go. Oh, there's quite a lot of police here. I don't know. Out of interest. Is there a reason why should be... Well, I'm all about the hounds themselves. Oh wait there, I need to get my

Starting point is 00:15:41 ticket out. Right, we're gonna come back to you in a little bit and then I'm to get my ticket out. All right, we're going to come back to you in a little bit and then I'm going to get my ticket out so I can scan out. See you in a bit. Right, we've made it through the gates and now we're heading into Brighton itself. Anything you think you want to do? You want to get a coffee and a Red Bull or some caffeine in you first, don't you? I don't want to get it in the overpriced WH Smith in the station.

Starting point is 00:16:05 There's a Budjins right there, you could try that. Shall we go down to the sea? Well, the thing is, last time... I feel like going to the sea straight away. Yeah, because last time we took a hell of a long way to get there. We got there and it was kind of like time to go. Let's go straight there. Let's go straight down to the sea.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Yeah. OK, cool. Let's go straight down to the sea, you and me. There's one other suggestion, I think. What, for Mark? Yeah I think yeah here we go what gold is mark look I just don't think he understands that the the source material so as a result he's not giving us the right suggestions he thinks we're a good podcast oh apparently that mechanical memories Museum is near the naturist beach.

Starting point is 00:16:47 There's a naturist beach? Is that a new thing? No, I think they've been doing it here for years. Ghost Walk of the Lanes. We can't do that though. Does that one happen until like 8? Are tickets back or at 8? At 7.30, yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:04 On Wednesday. at 8. 7.30 yeah on Wednesday so yeah but look at least he's that shows a bit more of an awareness of the content that he's working for. I think that lazily suggests he hasn't heard anything I've done in 10 years because I haven't done any ghost hunting material. Listen Mark if you are listening which you're not, fuck you and your bad ideas all right. You're the wrong audience. You're gonna cause a ruckus in my life you've you've let me down and you've made Eli look foolish which is awful you can't can't believe you do that to my good friend Eli Silverman and yeah top of the high road the brandy shipper or the Queen's head what's a brandy shipper then? Is that a drink? I would say it's probably a boat that ships brandy.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Oh yeah, no fair. Fair. Err, do you want to go Budgins for your Red Bull? It's a drink isn't it? It's a drink. Well that's what I was thinking. Because it's on the list. Whiskey, Blender, Wine and Brandy Shipper. So I'm going to look that up. Because I'm obsessed with alcoholic drinks. Yes. Well no, we're not having any alcoholic drinks while we're out today

Starting point is 00:18:06 Not a drop will pass you I don't make sure you don't drink Even if you even if you beg me, I'm not gonna allow you. I'm gonna tell people in bars all the bars you try that You're an alky and you're not allowed it Alright and you're not allowed it. Alright, if that helps... If that helps me, if that helps me leave a more Pure Rile existence today, a healthier God-fearing existence. Pure Rile? You're always Pure Rile. Er, not Pure Rile, er, Pure, Pure. I put the Pure in Pure Rile.

Starting point is 00:18:38 You fucking do, mate, you really do. And you put the Rile in Pure Rile. And between us... Yes, we are cheap show. Well done. Pure and rile. Now, I want to see what a Brandy shipper is. I know you can't even look.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Brandy shipper. I can't choose to look? I'm a man who doesn't need facts, mate. Brandy, I know that. God, don't I know that. Why are you typing it in when you usually go, hello Google, is it Brandy shipper? I think people are going to do that? No, because they find it annoying.

Starting point is 00:19:08 I'm more interested in you going to Budging to get whatever, like your Red Bull or whatever. Doesn't want to tell me. Might be an old old archaic word that isn't used as much. It must be, yeah, it must be. Or it could be an allusion to something more sexual. Hello darling, fancy a bloody Brandy Sipper. Shipper.

Starting point is 00:19:29 I'll take it. Right. What? What? It says, what is a Brandy Melville? So maybe that's an alternative name for a Brandy... Maybe. It's something we can chuck up later and find out. No.

Starting point is 00:19:46 No, but right now we don't know. Brandy Melville is an Italian fashion brand. What the fuck is going on with Google search? Do you know what I mean? That is just a sweet fail to tell me anything. It's because it front loaded to AI which is like, oh, here's a bit of everything, guess. You go guess. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:02 Listen, I'm going to stop recording for a bit and then we'll maybe come back when we're on the beach unless anything happens in between. Yeah, listen, I'm gonna stop recording for a bit. Okay. And then we'll maybe come back when we're on the beach unless anything happens in between. Yeah, sweet, all right. Well, here we are, the Cheap Show Office Day Out to Brighton, part two, off we go. Let's see what a straight edge day is gonna turn out like. I'm sure it'll be quite the experience.

Starting point is 00:20:19 Quite sober. Quite sober. We're gonna be intelligent and sober this week. So we'll see you a little bit in a bit. Little bit in a bit. Little bit in a bit. Little bit in a bit. Right we're at the seafront now. Eli has been overwhelmed by the smell of a... Sea vag I call it. Sea vag or you know as most people call it the sea.

Starting point is 00:20:41 It's the vag of the world. It's the gaping maw of clunge that embraces us all in Brighton. Yes, beautiful day. It is a bit blowy down here. It's a bit blowy. I love the way that the light plays across the waves. You get this band of lighter and darker. The shadows of the clouds is what it is. And we can see the ruined pier.'s been it's become a symbol of Brighton yeah it's funny how it becomes symbolic after it burns down so if you

Starting point is 00:21:10 cross over yeah yeah quick so yeah we are between the two piers to our left the main pier the grand pier and then to our right the burn pier it's not burned down Coors? I don't know, the burnt pier. It's not called the burnt pier. It was, that was why they'd bit their irony of it all, wasn't it? No, they did not call it the burnt pier. It used to be called, this pier will burn down one day, Pier. It was not. And, er, yeah, that was it.

Starting point is 00:21:38 And now, if you look out, you can see the huge wind farm that they've built in the last ten years or so. And I was saying to you, Paul, you can see that when you land in Heathrow you can actually see the wind farm. Oh it's windy hang on I've just got to do an adjustment I have adjusted. Do you want to go on the rollercoaster? Did we do that last time? No we should maybe go on a rollercoaster this time just the one ride mind but here we are on the seat front Yeah We can have a look on the pier anyway, see what is open What do you think they're gonna have in the arcades these now? This is the same shit that we saw last time we were here a bunch of fucking shove eight neaf games a lot of IP heavy fucking slot machines and gambling bits

Starting point is 00:22:28 and bobs, and what about like gun games? Oh then we like gun ones, you think house of the dead? I don't know if that was even that's even around anymore. Mate there's always there's always killing a lot of zombies, lots of gore. It was pretty fun. I never heard of it. It was a real coin eater or whatever they call them. Oh yeah, it was built to eat coins. Built to eat coins. There's a massive Burger King at the seafront.

Starting point is 00:22:53 Burger King seems to be winning the Burger King-McDonald war in Brighton. I mean, have I seen a McDonald yet? Well, I've been here. Have I not? No. And no McDonald's. Oh, hang on. I should really put my bag on properly when I walk.

Starting point is 00:23:10 Put your bag on properly, mate. We went to a little Asian food store. I got an unsweetened oi oi oi oi oi Ramu Ramune Ramune for later. Yeah, and I did get this Carabao energy drink which is very very similar to Red Bull Yeah, but as I observed with the slight lemony tint to it. Well, and it's given us the idea we want to compare We want to compare red drinks, Red Bull drinks. Oh yeah, future on-brand, off-brand, where we'll test and taste. Let's go down. No, let's go up. What should we do? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:23:54 We don't have an agenda for this week. It's just like, let's get to Brighton. Let's get to the pier. No, let's get down. Let's go down. Let's go down. We want to find an alcove? There's one there, isn't there? Where the wind is less windy. How about we find an alcove, do the thing you want to do, and then we'll have a sit on the beach for five minutes and then we'll explore the pier,

Starting point is 00:24:13 and then we'll take it from there, how about that? It's a big lobster or crab something, whatever that is. What do you think that is? It's a lobster. See, hey, why don't you eat some whelks or a... I'm going to, man. I'm going to get some cockles or a... My partner was like, can you bring home some whelks? I'm going to man. I'm going to get some cockles.

Starting point is 00:24:26 My partner was like, can you bring home some whelks? And I was like, I'm not bringing home fishy whelks in my bag. Fine. I might get some whelks though. I like some whelks. I've got some hot sauce on me as well. I can put some hot sauce on the whelks bro. Go and get some. It just means I can't kiss you for the rest of the day if you have some fishy.

Starting point is 00:24:42 I've picked it up because I've watched too many American YouTubers. Now I start calling people bros. What happened to the old phrase bra? It just means I can't kiss you for the rest of the day if you have some fishing. You know I've picked it up because I've watched too many American YouTubers. Yeah bro. Now I start calling people bro's. What happened to the old phrase bra? Bra. You know like, yo bra. That's too west coast.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Is it? It's painful, it's cringe. Yeah. Don't say bra, say bra. Can't believe it bra. Look at those gulls floating in the air. Just hovering. They're just waiting for stray chips.

Starting point is 00:25:03 That's all they fucking need innit. Or a small, very small child that they can dive bump Look that's a DJ booth there at the end You can see because they've made the little kind of booth called tied it looks like a kind of Tiki. It's a Tiki face Isn't it? Oh, I don't see any the mouth is where yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of like it. It's kind of cool Is that the DJ booth thing Or is it just a bar? I think it's a bar. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:25:27 I don't know, it could be a DJ booth. Of course, Brighton Beach famous for the Fatboy Slim parties. Yes. In terms of DJ culture. But they don't do those more because every time they do it some fucking fanny ruins it by killing eight people or something. Really? Is it not people dying?

Starting point is 00:25:42 No, well not like a lot of people die but like there's always something that kicks off which ruins it for everyone else. Yeah, I mean to be honest I wouldn't much fancy being in a big, crushy crowd on a beach, you know what I mean? It just seems unpleasant. Especially if it's a fat boy fucking slim. Yeah. I mean right here, right now, I'm not interested in it, you know what I mean? I gained some more respect for him when I heard about his story from the documentary about Woodstock 99

Starting point is 00:26:07 Okay, and he did the dance tent and he said it was fucking just miserable day. No just insane not miss just insane Like crazy insane someone drove a truck into the tent. There was like a hundred thousand people in this 110 like yeah There's a lot going on in there do you think? Storage and vendors on the street. The up-and-love about Brighton is the whole seafront is like Victorian and it's like old and labyrinthine and you know yeah there's a steampunk, a faded steampunk vibe that is all unique to here you know. Which because Brighton's always prided itself on its kind of outsider identity, almost, its artistic, studenty...

Starting point is 00:26:53 In recent years, but it always, it started off, the real boom here was of course as a resort for rich Victorians, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Which is the same for most places. It's either a place for rich people to go or a place for poor people to go to get some fresh air and improve their lives. That was always the thing, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:27:10 You lived near the seafront and you could improve your... Get rid of asthma and tuberculosis. They used to think a sea vag would, er, solve your ointment needs. I mean, the jury's still out on that, as far as I'm concerned. Whoever the seawater's good for, yeah. Yeah, well, sea vag... ..released a kraken. You know what I mean? I like that. whoever the seawater is good for you yeah well seavage release the Kraken

Starting point is 00:27:27 I like that we're walking past a carousel everybody I like going to the beach with you let's go to the beach today and see what we can see I've got flappy bits underneath my armpits and it is beginning to smell of cheese my aim for today is to Not get pissed and go to toilet all the time and not get farted on by three Individual people at different various places in this area. See you're going back to the well again Paul We've got nothing today. It's gonna be one of the most boring episodes ever Hey when how dare you when we turn the microphone on, you know what we've got? You're not the

Starting point is 00:28:05 biggest gift we've got mate. Us, me and you. This is what Cheap Show is, it's the gift of me and you. This could be called Wally Bing Bong's Fight Hour and provided it still starred me and you, we'd be golden. You nicked that from somewhere. No. Unconsciously. I haven't. Wally Bing Bong, yes you have.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Well you tell me what it is then and I'll do it. Okay, you'll admit that you nick stuff unconsciously? Well, it's not like unconsciously, yeah. But like, you know, you nick stuff all the time. Woah, Sea Vag just gave me a hoff. That's more like Sea Guff, Sea Queef. This is the artist quarter. We're in the right place then, because we're geniuses.

Starting point is 00:28:43 Oh, I'm getting queefed out. Yeah. Mutiny on the honky. Queef Elizabeth. Queef Elizabeth. King Pra-holes. Prawnhole. King Prawn.

Starting point is 00:28:55 Pring Prawn. Pring Prawn. Shut up, I'm in a good mood. Anyway, if you're here on the beach, beware deep shelving. Beware deep shelving beach, that means it drops off quite... What did you say? Billy Bing Bong? What did you say? Wally Bing Bong. Who is Wally Bing Bong?

Starting point is 00:29:10 Beware of large breaking waves, beware seaside pier, beware of motorised craft, do not dive, do not swim in the boating lane, do not jump and do not use inflatables. Well that's the rules of the beachfront here in the artist quarter section. I'm gonna finish this little bit of drink off and then I'm gonna pop it right in that recycling bin. Here we go, watch me while Eli fucking spends his time, unnecessary amount of time, trying to prove me wrong for stuff

Starting point is 00:29:35 that doesn't fucking matter in the massive scheme of things. But by all means, mate, go for it. Who's Bing Bong? Ha ha ha ha. Bing Bong was a character in Inside Out but Wally Bing Bong I'm not sure. Yeah look there's a massive donut sculpture. Or it could be a bumhole. Why is it two artists caught at signs I don't understand. It's just because it's it's the same side it it's just a different... It doesn't make any difference. Is the artist caught on both sides of the side?

Starting point is 00:30:06 Yeah. Right, recycling. There's general waste, dog waste, jink cans, done it, sorted. Right, I'm just looking at the sign. So we are here. Behind us is the Queen's Hotel. Madeira Drive, Sea Life Centre, pier. Shall we just go to the pier pier or do you want to sit down

Starting point is 00:30:27 and do something, you know, just chill for a bit, blah, blah, blah? Yes. Let's go and do this. I'm going to be straight edged. I'm just going to let Eli enjoy himself today. I'm going to behave because I want to be sharp witted. OK, in case anything happens.

Starting point is 00:30:43 Well, no, I just want to prove to the world that every time we leave the house we don't necessarily use an excuse to get drunk and I would very much like this episode to prove that intellectually I'm at the top of my game when roaring street roaring oh fuck off. As soon as you said roaring there I know know it wasn't going to work. The sentence wasn't going to work. I don't even know why I said the word roaring. No one does. No one does. No one does. We need some shelter.

Starting point is 00:31:09 That's what we need. Shelter from this wind. Gimmi shelter, they say. Look, I didn't, it's so high up, I didn't see the pod on that tower. Oh, it's going up the pod. The pod goes up and down. Should we do that? If it's not 25 quid a pop, yeah, maybe.

Starting point is 00:31:23 But it's exactly 25 quid a pop. If that's 25 quid a pop, yeah maybe. But it's exactly 25 quid a pop. If that's 25 quid a pop, I'm going to fucking tell them they can leap off it. Alright, what we're talking about is this, what do they call that? The Brighton pod. The pod shaft. It's not the pod shaft. It's a massive metal shaft that goes up into the air. With a capsule. With a pod around the side of it.

Starting point is 00:31:41 A pod capsule. And it goes up and down I think. What noise does it make? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george george ge squares but we can go down to the beach where the elephant tunnel comes out. Yeah, we can do that. See what I mean? It's near the nudity beach you said, right? No, no. That's down there. That's near the Mechanical Museum. So is it near the cottaging area then? It is basically slap bang into the middle of heavy cottaging territory. Slap wang more like. Right, let's find the place. I'll slap my way. Where? In private. Has the pod gone up or has it gotten closer? It feels like it's all of a sudden closer. It's gone closer to us. Is it walking? It's like a tripod. It has gone up the shaft a little bit because I've noticed.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Does it go up and down the shaft? I think it goes up and down the shaft all day. I don't think so. I think you just get a lift up there. That stays there. It doesn't go up and down. No, it goes up and down the shaft. How do you know that? You've just assumed that, it doesn't. It's not going to move, it hasn't moved, it will move. What's the point, you just go up the top of it and look out. I don't want to observe. What do you want to do, go up and down in a pod?

Starting point is 00:32:58 Yeah, I want a pod to go, zo zo zo zo zo zo zo. I mean mambo, I mean mambo. We should go and have a look at that after. Maybe we can go behind this, maybe we can get I mean, I'm all. Let's go and have a look at that after. Maybe we can go behind this. Maybe we can get a shelter here, behind here. Is it a bit sheltered there? A little bit. Not much.

Starting point is 00:33:13 Well, I can do it in my bag. I went to boarding school. I've got training in building cigarettes in the wind. He went to boarding school. He's got training in... I knew someone who's skinned up on a fucking log flume. He went to boarding school. He's got training in... Skinning up. I once... I knew someone who skinned up on a fucking log flume. He went to a boys' boarding school where he learned the skills

Starting point is 00:33:33 of being afraid of women and their vaginas. I'm not! I'm not afraid of a vag. I'm not afraid of it. Why do you scream when you see one? I don't! Stop gaslighting me. I'm not gaslighting you. Look at those massive deck chairs! Right. Oh, I'm having fun already, mate.

Starting point is 00:33:50 I'm having fun. Sit down. Let's go. We're on the Brighton Beach, you can hear us. We're on the Pebble Beach. And we're just to the... If you were looking out to sea, we're to the right of Brighton Pier. So we can see the pier stretched out horizontally in

Starting point is 00:34:05 front of us now and it doesn't look like the rollercoaster is working but there's do you want to go on one of the rides at least? If we can. Did we do that last time? I'm scared of the rollercoaster. We could do the ghost train. Is there a ghost train here? Yeah we could try and do the ghost train. Let's do that. Let's do the ghost train if it's working and it doesn't take you know cash because we don't have to get cash out. Right all right all good let's say this has been too long. Bye, see you in a bit. Bye bye. Yeah, don't feed the gulls.

Starting point is 00:34:50 And yet they continue to feed the gulls. They're throwing chips in the air. We chose some shelter. What is this we're sheltering behind? Where they hold some deck chairs. A deck chair holder. It's been nice, but then a... What appears to be a Chinese family, I don't want to make any assumptions.

Starting point is 00:35:07 It's just an observation. That has come, and the man of the Chinese family is throwing bits of bread, it looks like, to seagulls, and there are, I'd say, about 100 seagulls, I can say. Oh, they're gonna shit on us. They're gonna shit on us. Don't they, Alfred? Don't they get real fucking close? It's not even funny, man. It's not even funny. They're fucking real close, man. They're fucking really on us! They're hovering! No they're getting real fucking close! It's not even funny man, it's not even funny. It's not even funny, they're fucking real close man.

Starting point is 00:35:27 They're fucking really hovering! A dive boat! They really are hovering. Some of them are fucking gagging to scat somewhere. It's gonna be us. I mean look, it's just the odds of one of them needing a shit at some point. The chances of one of them shitting on me. On to million to one.

Starting point is 00:35:45 Oh shit, here they come. Where's that from? World of the Worlds. Wicked. So this is War of the Ghouls. Yes, nice. Thank you. See, straight-edge Ganon.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Oh my God. Smarter, funnier, sharper, happier Ganon. The Sherad. There's no Sherad, how dare you? There's not a single piece of drug or alcohol past my lips today. I promise you, sc on a dead dog. Are you billing up? I... I have already done.

Starting point is 00:36:13 Are we really billing up? Eh? Eh? Paul, you can cut this, but I gave you a head of weed. No, I just wanted to look at it. You pre-graded a whole bunch and then he was scared everybody that his pre-graded stuff, which he took because he didn't want to get nicked for the full whack. I didn't. It would blow away and it probably would blow away, which is why I gave him a piece of solid.

Starting point is 00:36:33 I just wanted to look at it, I wanted to see what one looks like. That's what they used to call hash, isn't it? Solids. Yeah. Solids. Yeah, soap bar. Little bit of plastic. Little bits of plastic in it.

Starting point is 00:36:44 It's funny, the universal truths of being a stoner. At some point you always had a little bar of resin, horrible fucking nasty like tobacco black resin. I think they call it tack sometimes, that stuff. And then there would always be a bit of shopping bag in it. That is so common. Rocky they call it. Yeah, Rocky. GLC did a song about it, called Soap Bar if you ever want to check that out.

Starting point is 00:37:05 Hey, did you see that video called Looking Chained did where they went to all the charity shops near where they live? Oh, because what's that convenience store that they've made famous? Daineswell Express, yeah yeah or Baineswell, Daineswell or Baineswell. Baineswell I believe, but yes that's got its own like Instagram page I think. Has it. That shop now, yeah, of course, you know. But no, they did a video where they went to like all the Newport, is that where they live, Newport?

Starting point is 00:37:34 Yeah. They went to like eight, nine charity shops to try and find something. They are nicking our shit again, mate. Mate. I had a word with Eggsy about this actually. You did? I've said we're crossing the streams too much, don't let, we don't want to bring you down. Eggsy

Starting point is 00:37:49 did a congratulations video for our 10th year didn't he? He did. One of our earliest guests as well Eggsy. One day. He judged our rap battle which I lost. Yes and he judged your envision a while ago as well. I've got a fucking fatalism about losing rap battles and games of pool. Yesterday I was playing a game of... Let's have a rap game of pool Mr. Silverman. Like boxing chess, you go back do a little bar and then pop the black. Forsooth I see the pain of strike upon my knife upon the light. Boof! Your go. Except... What? That was nice, tried, but that was not a rap and also boof is not the noise he makes.

Starting point is 00:38:28 It is when you punch someone with boxing gloves on. Oh, oh, oh, that boxing, what boxing Shakespeare you're doing. Yeah, what did you say? Now do it, I said rap Paul. Yeah, but then you said there's another one, something boxing. Can I just, can I have a go? What was the one you said, something boxing? Chest, chest boxing. Oh, chest boxing. Can I have a, can I just give, I have a go? What was the one you said? Something boxing? Chess boxing?

Starting point is 00:38:45 Oh, chess boxing! Can I just give... King to Rock 4! Oof! Alright, that works, but now... My name is Eli and I've come to say... I'm gonna be winning the battle today! Alright, off the pink.

Starting point is 00:38:59 Better? Yeah, alright, yeah. Not as funny... I guess. Oh, there's another one who's gonna shit on me! Look at him, look at him, he's hovering. Little white bastard. The family have left and so have most of the gulls. Yeah, good that.

Starting point is 00:39:10 They know where their bread is buttered. So look. In the air. In the air. Just chucking up bread in the air. Would you imagine a gull got a little butter knife out, psh, in mid-air, psh. They're very skilled. I don't think it's fucking butter bread mid-air

Starting point is 00:39:22 and then eat it though. Wouldn't that be cool though? Yeah. Like if one them fully pulled out a scruble scramble is like playing it in the air as well. I want to look at that big donut on that jetty. I'm gonna take a photo of it. Yeah we should poke our heads through or something and do that. Shall we go do that now? You ready to go? Yeah we should actually because as much as? You ready to go? Yeah, we should actually. Because as much as I would like to stay here for a little bit longer. I like this. We can find another space up the fair.

Starting point is 00:39:50 Deck chair holder. Yeah. The deck chair holder. The deck chair holder. But we're still just, you know, east of Brighton Pier. So I haven't really decided what we're going to do for the majority of the day. Yeah, well, I know what I'm not doing. Smoking weed and drinking with booze.

Starting point is 00:40:04 That ain't happening. Straight edge Ganon today. Oh, he's going to what I'm not doing. Smoking weed and drinking wood booze. That ain't happening. Straight-edge Ganon today. Oh, he's going to be on top of it. Chest boxing. King tonight five. Booth. Booth wallop. Now, you're bleeding. You're bleeding.

Starting point is 00:40:16 He's got you. The eye! The eye! Cut the eye! I want you to go out there and ignore the pain. Seconds out. Ooh, ooh, pain, seconds out. You did boxing, you got more experience with it than me. I did it for like seven months when I was in secondary school.

Starting point is 00:40:31 You were okay at it, right? I enjoyed it for what it was back then, yes. You did it with the full face masks on when you sparred and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I wasn't, it was fine, but I wasn't really into it. It was that period where they allowed you to do different types of sport for PE. And because we had a leisure center near us, we could use their facilities. So it was like swimming, which I don't,

Starting point is 00:40:51 I can't do swimming. You're not into swimming? I can't do it. I've got a phobia of like being in the water and not being able to touch the bottom with my feet. Oh my God, I didn't know it was that bad. Yeah. So you don't swim at all?

Starting point is 00:41:00 No. Oh. I don't mind paddling pools and water slides and shit, but if I can't touch the bottom, I panicking because basically but when I was at school Two naughty girls tried to drown me and held me under the water and they thought it was funny because one of them put one of those big weights in my Joking, but in my trunk. Wait, you know those big blocks at the swimming pool. Yeah, and then we're pushing me down Why because they were they thought it was funny.

Starting point is 00:41:25 Who were they? They were just naughty girls. Were they sexually mature? I don't think so. Also I don't think that matters. I was like 10. I was just trying to imagine it. It helps. 11 or 12. Do you really want to think about it? Does it help you mate? Does it fucking help you? I'm sorry. I'm outrageous. You've ruined this now. I'm outrageous. I think it's time we leave because you've spoiled this now. You've made my story, my touching story of phobia. It was not touching. It's horrific, mate. It's terrible. No, in all honesty, Paul, that is really bad.

Starting point is 00:41:55 Yeah. And what happened at the end? You were rescued? Yeah, the teacher had to drag me out and they got told off. The teacher got you. The teacher was there. They got told off. They tried to murder you. So you were actually under the water with a weight on you. And they had their feet on my shoulders holding me down. And this was the deep end? Yeah. Right. What? Yeah, it was fucking madness. I was struggling to get up. And then I swallowed

Starting point is 00:42:16 a bunch of water when I was under there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that panic attack. So I didn't drown in the back of the thing, but it was horrible and then the teacher had to drag me out and they got a bollocking. And then I don't remember much, but I remember their parents got involved. It all got very nasty and my mum started kicking off. I think we should go to a swimming pool as a podcast and try and help you. You want to fucking drown me? No, no, no, obviously not.

Starting point is 00:42:36 What a horrible cunt. We could go in the shallow end and you could get used to it again. You know what I mean? I love swimming. See, when I go to the swimming pool, I go to one end to hear stuff about like you know the meaning of life, what it is to be alive, the theology of existence. I can feel the pan coming but I don't know what it is. But then you go to the other end of the swimming pool and it's all like fucking Love Island

Starting point is 00:42:58 and it's all fucking you know Marvel movies. Honestly I don't know which is worse the deep end or the shallow end. Wow. Thank you very much. Straight edge gun and once again proving that a sharp mind creates sharp humor. That was really, I mean it was, the build up was better than the punch because the punch was terrible. It's called anti-comedy mate, it's the art of expectation and then the comedy being is that I take that away from you and leave you with nothing and that's the humor. Just before we go off and look at the bumhole I just want to read this joke to you and knock knock who's there Paul

Starting point is 00:43:32 Paulo exactly my career. I want to see as we're talking about jokes and how that was bad one yeah I just want to see what do you want to see okay now do you get this is this the joke that someone's come up with yes all right okay you're What do you want to see? What do you want to see? Okay, now do you get this? Is this the joke that someone's come up with? Yes. Alright, okay. You're not, I don't think you will get it, but... Go on.

Starting point is 00:43:52 I went to university and I got a BA. Then I stayed on and I got another one. I wanted to study for one more, but they just wouldn't stop asking me questions. Like have you any wool? Do you get it? Bar bar black sheep. No! I thought the A-Team be A-Barackers.

Starting point is 00:44:15 Yeah. It's not that. It's not any of those. If you think about what's going on here, he gets one degree. Wait, is this a joke? Was this a fucking 3-2-1 rhythm? It's a joke, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:27 Think about it, though. He's workshopping it, to be fair. Perhaps he can come up with something here. Maybe he can streamline it. I think he's not. The punchline needs to be in there, but it's like an implied punchline. So I went to university and got a BA.

Starting point is 00:44:39 Then I stayed on and got another one. That's two. Two BAs. Which are? Baa-baa. No, what? It is Baa-baa,aa though isn't it? Baa Baa Baa. Yeah. I thought it was a black sheep. I thought the question was have you any wool? Yes. No yeah I see now but. Tell them that's the joke. What is a BA? What type of? Bachelor of Honours. Yeah but what is it? It's a degree. Thank you. So two degrees.

Starting point is 00:45:02 And I wanted to study for one more. Three degrees. But they wouldn't just stop asking me questions. They gave him the third degree. Thank you. So two degrees. And I wanted to study for one more. Three degrees. They wouldn't just stop asking me questions. They gave him the third degree, giving them the third degree. You need to be more explicit with the use of the word degree. That's right. That's exactly what I think. It's all the way wrong way round. There's a seed of something there, isn't it? Yeah. Because you could do like, the first time I got a BA I really enjoyed it, all the staff were really great the second time I was really there, you know when I got my second degree It was they were a little bit more stern by the time I got to my third degree All they did was ask me questions. They were giving me that or something like that. What about this? Fuck you. It's right

Starting point is 00:45:35 We're off. No, what about this? Right, very similar. Okay, so I got one BA It's okay, and then I got another BA in the next year second Degree I got and then I wanted another BA in the next year, a second degree I got and then I wanted to get a third one but they were grilling me, asking me all sorts of questions. I said don't give me the third degree, I just want a third degree. Yeah no you need to use third degree as the last line don't you, so you need to say blah blah blah blah blah blah and then when I did it for a third year. Can I just say?

Starting point is 00:46:05 They kept grilling me for questions and I said, don't give me the third degree or something. Can we just say, shit Joe, shit Joe, shit Joe, shit Joe. Not even Eddie Braben could make that, can't work. Right, let's get up, cause I wanna look at the bummer and then we're gonna go on the pier. So let's go look at the pier.

Starting point is 00:46:22 You know what, this episode's gonna be a two-parter. I'm gonna say it right now. How have we done an hour of waffle already? No, we haven't. We've done about 40 minutes and we've done nothing. But luckily- Those gulls must- Mate, people love our long walkabout episodes.

Starting point is 00:46:36 They do, they love them. There's a woman looking, putting her head in the bumhole. Lucky, look, they're right in. Are you gonna put your head in the bumhole? Of course I'm going to put my head in the bumhole. I'll take a photo of that. Of course you're gonna. We should get some like fucking rock or something.

Starting point is 00:46:47 Stick a rock. Stick a rock. Yeah, we could. We weren't past a rock place. We should do all the really traditional things that you've never done in your whole life that are cliches. So what would that be? Going on the ghost ride.

Starting point is 00:46:58 Getting a rock. Get some rock. Oh, I'm going to eat some. Welks. I'm going to eat some welks. Get some welks. Or cockles. I like cockles better than welks. Get'm gonna eat some welks. Get some welks or cockles. I like cockles better than welks.

Starting point is 00:47:06 Get some cockles. Welks and well tubular. Yeah, and too vinegary. They're all vinegary. Yeah. Get some cockles. I wanna see you eat some cockles. I will.

Starting point is 00:47:16 Fucking £4.50. I'm sure it's like a quid, like two days ago. Oh, mate, don't. We're not gonna do that. Right, come on, let's get up. We've got the sun on our faces, so let's make hay while the sun shines. See you in a bit, everyone. Right, so we're on the jetty now between the piers,

Starting point is 00:47:34 and we went to see what we call the bumhole, but was actually, it's like a globe inverted within itself. It's a donut-shaped globe, a torus-shaped globe. A torus for tourists. A torus shaped globe. A Taurus for tourists. A Taurus for tourists. A Taurus for tourists. And everyone's poking their head through. Those fucking four women who were there for like ages

Starting point is 00:47:52 looking through every single angle, taking every picture. And it was like, you know, there's other people trying to use it. And they didn't care, did they? And then that fucking guy behind me with the fucking black shirt on, right? So I was taking a picture of like, through the hole, out of the jetty into the sea,

Starting point is 00:48:07 artistic, right? He'd suck his head in. No, and when I was like doing it, he was right behind me, like, if I can stand near, he was like this, looking over my shoulders like that. And I was like, mate, I know there's like personal space. Can I have some of mine back?

Starting point is 00:48:20 Oh, he's right behind me again. I don't fucking like this. Well, at least no one's farted on you so far. No, at least that's a boon. And you're sober as a judge. I'm as sober as a judge and the sharp wit is coming. Now, there may be wind on this, but only from the outside air upon my wind muff to protect the recording.

Starting point is 00:48:36 Yes, that's right. It really is lovely. It's a lovely, quite a stiff breeze, I'd say. Like right up my arse that guy was when I was taking my picture. Seriously, like, to the point where I thought it was you and I was like oh Tony Ely was right behind me looking over my shoulder that's fine. It's a fucking stranger. Now Paul. Couldn't wait 10 seconds. We've churned up these feelings of terror from your assault in the swimming pool and we're around the sea and those were a bunch of ladies and you is that what this anger is about? No, no, it's not about that. I have separate anger to tourists taking up precious photograph

Starting point is 00:49:09 time while I, Paul Gannon, master of podcasting, has to wait. Let them know about what we've decided to do very soon. Oh, we're going to take our shoes and socks off and walk on them. We can do that right now if you wanted. I think we should do the pier first. Oh, let's get the pier out the way. Let's see the pits as well. All right.

Starting point is 00:49:24 Pishing. Pishing and possible. Pishing on. P pier out the way. Pish and Pish Poshable. So just a quick one then, I just want to talk about the bumhole. He's going to go Winkle and I'm going to maybe get some whelks or what? Donut groin it's called. Oh it is called donut groin. So please do not call it the world or whatever. It's called Donut Groin. There's no information. Is groin the thing or is groin this jetty? I think the groin is the jetty, yeah. I think I've heard that before.

Starting point is 00:49:54 It's another word for jetty. Oh, that's the first time I've heard the word groin used in that context. G-R-O-Y-N-E. Groin. Although you could argue that a Donut Groin is a lady's part, right? You absolutely could. And I'm sure we're doughnut groin is a ladies part. You absolutely could and I'm sure we're not the first to call attention to that. I put my jetty in a doughnut groin.

Starting point is 00:50:11 Paul I was going to say as well, just do me a little thing, little exercise. Lick your lips. Nom nom nom. A little bit salty? No. From the sea breeze? No I generally don't sorry maybe I'll lick my lips later. Look at that old cinema. It's a casino now. It's art deco beautiful art deco. It's alright listen windy let's head to the pier see you in a bit. You know oh it's very windy maybe I should go on this side. You know, oh it's very windy, maybe I should go on this side. No, it makes no difference. Oh no, a little bit of a difference, yeah. A little bit less wind on this side. So Eli and I are on the pier and for the first time ever,

Starting point is 00:50:55 certainly in my lifetime, we had to pay for it. Let's go around the outside. Go around the outside. Sorry if it's too windy for you, but this is not too bad this side. But yeah, it was now £2 per person entry onto the pier, which is to pay for maintenance they say. They said there was a sign up saying we spend £1 million a year on maintenance. I can believe that totally.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Although once we bought the ticket we went through, there's absolutely no one there to like stop you or... Because it's, you know, they don't want to be nasty about it because it's like, it is, it always was a public, that was the point, you know, so I think they, and the fact that they feel like they need to justify it, obviously speaks to that, you know, speaks to that they don't, they didn't want it, but sometimes you just have to start charging for things to keep these places. No, I'm not against that. This is the thing, I'm not against that, but like, speaks to that they don't, they didn't want it, but you have, sometimes you just have to start charging for things

Starting point is 00:51:45 to keep these places. No, I'm not, I just think I'm not against that, but like, when you think to yourself- That's not a gougie price. No, no, two pound isn't, but you know, you'd think there'd be someone there just to kind of nod you through and go, all right, yeah, you bought your ticket great.

Starting point is 00:51:57 Cause anyone could have just walked through the gates, really. No, yeah, no one's here. No, there was a security guy, there was a security guy. He was on his phone. He was on his phone He was on his phone. Well, you can hear the air hockey there. We'll go through that on the way back Well, we're gonna go up to the fairground bit first. Where are the bogs? Do you remember? I think they're in there aren't they? You know what? I'm getting a real flashback to when we were in LA and I went to the toilets and the pier there

Starting point is 00:52:19 Oh, yeah, but they were under the pier that time. Yeah, it is. You know what? It's like I said to you didn't I at the time being on the pier in Malibu, was it Malibu? No not Malibu. Santa Monica fucking hell thank you. It's very similar to this it's just bigger and American vibes you know. Busier and less ornate and Victorian as well. I love all these arches you can see the old Victorian arches stretching all the way down there. And we're going to go up that way aren't we for the Elephant's Tunnel? That's where the Elephant's Tunnel castle is. Elephant's Tunnel.

Starting point is 00:52:51 Tunnel. One will also get the shape of it right eventually. Oh we might need to get a bus. Why is it a big long walk? It could be like a 25 minute walk yeah. Well can we put it on the map after a bit later then make a decision? Yeah no but Mark's also also told me where the Elephant the elephant tunnel is because it's where he used to live. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:09 It's one of these squares, these Grand Georgian squares up there basically. And it was not, it's Regency because it's where, do you know the elephant? The first Regent used to live. That tunnel was built for him to go down onto the beach because that's what he wanted to do. The prick. No, come on. to ride an elephant down onto the beach because that's what you wanted to do. The prick. No, come on.

Starting point is 00:53:26 Look, if Ryan Gosling said I'm going to ride this elephant onto this beach or something, you'd be like, I want to ride that. I'd be like, no Ryan Gosling, no. Oh, it's really windy. All right, let's carry on. What about if, what about William, Prince William? So I'm going to build a tunnel and I ride an exotic elephant. That bull fascist now

Starting point is 00:53:47 fucking I'm just gonna say now royal family burn them at the stake all of them including their children. Oh dear. The Russians did get it right back in the day didn't they when they lined up all the Russians and shot them dead. You're just posing to try and appear left wing because you think it's cool. Yeah, it is cool. We all know that. We all know. It is cool, actually. I think it's very cool to suggest the royal family and all their family lines of whatever,

Starting point is 00:54:15 family tree, should be fucking slaughtered for the greater good. I am not a monarchist. I don't think they should be killed necessarily. This is where you and me differ, isn't it? Because I think they should be shot one at a time. Oh God, this is getting real. From the oldest to the youngest, to the youngest the most scared by the end. The babies. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:33 In their cribs. In their cribs, right. I honestly don't know what you think the problem is with this. Oh, we were looking in this little jewellery box thing. Fake Fabergé eggs. Oh, Fabergé. They look quite fancy, don't they? There's a guitar clock. Yeah. There's

Starting point is 00:54:47 a little old style payphone clock. Look at those cards. Bicycle cards, unicorn. They're all very faded aren't they? Very very faded. That's because they probably charge fucking 20 quid and there's a pack of cards man. Oh look, there's Wolf holding carbon mouth. I hope it's not too windy. Is it too windy to do this? Well, let's stop recording. I'm just going to take a photo of this. It's because we end up finding a place to stalk where there's a massive breeze. Yeah, come here though. And it stops. No, it's my...

Starting point is 00:55:16 What? Your fear of falling is... I dropped my phone. Oh yeah. The gaps. I can't do it. I have my phone. You said this when we were in LA as well about the same thing. Yeah, it does my head in. Look, it could so easily just... It would just go... ...and then down, splash.

Starting point is 00:55:28 And all your porn's gone. All your photographs... ...gone. That's such a 2006 joke. Your phone is from 2006 though. You get your trainers from High Top or whatever. Do you want to call it High Tech? I'll do that joke again. High Top. I don't know know it's probably one of those.

Starting point is 00:55:46 Yeah high top it's not even high tech it's a rip-off of high it's a it's a budget high tech. I paid 25 pounds to have my psychic reading. What do you think they would say? Fucking jump off the P and now mate save yourself 25 quid. Well I wouldn't save you it because you would have paid it at that point. Oh yeah. I'll figure it out. Do you see that? What? That big yellow building right at the far end. Yeah on the horizon. I believe it's a school or like an asylum or something. It's something crazy yeah. We'll have to check that out. Yeah. It's very important that you're correct. It's a mad building though. Or it's some kind of rich man's folly or something like that. Yeah. It reminds me of the hotel from the puppet master films. Oh you're correct. It's a mad building though, or some kind of rich man's folly or something like that. Yeah. It reminds me of the hotel from the puppet master films. Oh you're right, or the hotel from the movie The Witches.

Starting point is 00:56:31 Yeah, it's got that vibe, hasn't it? It has got that vibe. I use vibe too much and bro too much. Vibro. That's the vibro. Vibrator. Vibrator is what Eli's into at the moment. Disco ball. We're walking around the outside of the... Disco ball, back go ball. Everybody goes with the disco ball. Right. What? Couldn't help himself. You know what?

Starting point is 00:56:52 That upy downy, roundy, roundy, up and downy, it seems to be the only ride going. And it looks just like designed to make you vom. Yeah, that's the thing. I love fun thurs and roller coasters, but what I don't like are those kind of rides where it's just tossing you around and around. It's like what's the joy what's the I get there is a thought to that it's just not my thrill I like the idea of being on like a skillfully designed roller

Starting point is 00:57:11 coaster track that takes you on a little adventure yeah I agree the roller coaster original and best of the fairground rides the same effect could be if I just like fight the strength of like just hold you in my arms and swing you around like a baby and throw you in the air and grab you. It's getting real strange all of a sudden. I would shoot ya. I like those... Remember we watched that thing where it's like the roller coaster simulator but horror. Yes.

Starting point is 00:57:36 And it's going through like this whole mad haunted house sort of snowy. Do that. That's crazy isn't it. Anyway we're here now, we're walking. There's people with deck chairs just staring out onto the uh onto the ocean. It's a great pier this. It's a classic pier. So there aren't that many piers like this in the UK anymore. No. There's a little kind of train ride roller coaster for kids kind of thing. Low levels thrills.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Going on our rides is easy, hang on. Check the individual price of the ride you want to go on, load an amount onto a pay card, and then tap and go on the rides of your choosing. Or buy an unlimited rides wristband, ride all day as much as you like. You don't want to do your wristband. You know what it doesn't say on here, though?

Starting point is 00:58:21 How much? How much in prices. They vary. Yeah of course. We just want to check out the ghost train. Is that a log flume they've got? Yes I think it is. Oh it's going on it. Can we? Let's scout the area, see what there is and then we'll see if there's worth. Do you want to go on the little submarine that goes up and down? Horatio's bar, you sure you don't want to get like a swift half? No, no, straight edge mate. Gonna do this the sober way.

Starting point is 00:58:49 Oh, they're getting ice creams these guys. You know what's missing? What? Loud drum and bass music. That's what I want to hear. Oh, the ghost train's not working. Doesn't seem to be on. I don't know, there's someone standing there. So let's go look over there. That's a model. That's a mannequin. I can see people going into the horror hotel. Really? Yeah. Alright, okay, let's have standing there. So let's go look over there. That's a model. That's a mannequin. I can see people going into the horror hotel.

Starting point is 00:59:06 Really? Yeah. All right, okay, let's have a look. Horror hotel. Horror hotel. Is it a train or is it just a walkabout one? No, it's a train one. You can see the track there.

Starting point is 00:59:18 So it dips in. We've got to go on it, man. We've got to go on it. Yeah, we should go on one. So 10 pound special. When you put 40 pound on your card. Oh you get free 10 pounds. Oh yeah it is working. You're right. What's going to be outraged at the price of everything everybody? Well I think I'm allowed to. Fiverr. 5 pounds to go on a 30 second experience. Are we going to go on one ride? Yeah but we need to, didn't you

Starting point is 00:59:45 want to do the log flume? What would you rather do ghost train or log flume? Don't make me choose. Because honestly babe. What would you rather do? Ghost is your thing isn't it? Yeah but I'm also of the opinion of like, log flume is wet. Let's see how much the log flume is. It usually gets splashed in a log flume. You're not forgetting splashed on? Yeah. Right. I don't mind getting splashed on. OK. I bet the log flume's £25. No. If it's more, we're going on the Horror Hotel.

Starting point is 01:00:11 Yeah. All right. I think the roller coaster has an inversion. Yeah. That's insane. I didn't know that. Well, no, because this is a particular model well known. Oh, really?

Starting point is 01:00:21 It's like a standard format. I can't remember who the maker of it is of right now but like this was made in like the 70s I think or early 80s and it was popular to sell around the world because it had everything you wanted like drops and inversions and you know all the things you needed but in a small foot space and easy to build and put together so like it was a great ride to sell to Funfers because it didn't take up that much floor space and you got a lot of ride for your book. Yeah I just I'm just I'm amazed that there's a loop-de-loop on it yeah it looks really it looks

Starting point is 01:00:56 like a really good design out of action you think they're maintaining it yeah maybe maybe that's what that two pound we just spent goes towards maintaining roller coasters. The love flu is going. It's splashdown mountain. Let's go and check the price. Alright, I just want to take a picture of this, of the roller coaster. Be careful with your phone now. Stand a little bit. No, no, no, come to me. I am careful. Look, trust me, these slats are the perfect size to drop a phone. And because the law of averages is your phone will go down if you drop it.

Starting point is 01:01:28 It just freaks me out, man. It freaks me out. There's another roller coaster. It's a kiddie one. That is what they call a wild mouse ride. It's almost like a three dimensional wild mouse. But again, just sharp turns, not many drops. It's not a pretzel. It's a wild mouse. Horror House is a pretzel ride. These are theoretically called flat rides.

Starting point is 01:01:51 Not because they're flat, but because they're built on a flat surface. Wild River, maximum four riders per car. Well, we only got two riders. But how much? We've got to be a meter tall. How high is that? Well, no, we're more than a metre tall, mate.

Starting point is 01:02:07 I mean, maybe you... Yeah, you check. Oh, you're in the good-to-go zone. Only just, though. Yeah, only just. What? Why am I so minute? Yeah, but you're still less than 1.2 metres, which is down here. You don't have to worry about that fucking Tinder app no moreinder app no more. Not that I was on it anyway. So can you just pay per ride or do you have to buy a ticket first and then go on? You have to load the app or whatever

Starting point is 01:02:35 don't you? Because. How much is it? Six quid. Oh it's one quid more. Yeah how about this? We'll do both. Yay! Because you know it's our birthday year, I mean every year is a birthday year, but it's our 10th anniversary year, so we could do that and then that would be our little reward. Okay I need to find a toilet but then let's load up an app. Let's load up a card and do that then yeah. Cool. Oh what's going on? Oh something, I thought we were going to get told off then, a stern woman came walking at me with a walkie talkie. They don't seem to mind at all. Well, I mean, do they know what we're doing?

Starting point is 01:03:10 Well, you know what happened in Brent Cross. And that was just like some shots. That haunts me. That moment haunts me. I'm both embarrassed by myself and angry at him. Yeah. And then I felt like the eyes of Brent Cross on me. I've been there a lot since and I have not seen that guard again. That's because I put a complaint in. Oh really? And I got that man fired. And I lined his family up and I shot them one by one, youngest last.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Paul Gannon is undercover anti-monarchist Karen. In... Anti-monarchist Karen, what's he gonna do next? Maybe there's a toilet in here? There's a place and there's a cafe so maybe there is a toilet there must be right when you think about it. We're in the central dome, the big dome. Which is towards the end of the pier. More tickets and prizes all that shit. So there's a little cafe either. There may be no toilets. You can win tickets by grabbing tickets to... You can spend tickets and...

Starting point is 01:04:12 Yeah. But these, you know, this is a... Oh, absolutely rigged. What they call crane... Crane game, yeah. It's complete, it's a lottery, it's like a slot machine. Because their programs are not always classed as much on certain... They fucking dodge, just don't do it. They exist because people think the odds are on

Starting point is 01:04:31 their favor when they use them. Is that a toilet? No, that's just a door. But it seems particularly low to try and fool people that they can gain a skill, you know? It's particularly exploitative because it's like, if you keep doing this you'll get better at it. Yeah, but there's also that goes. Oh, don't worry. I know how to do these you watch me and then tries 20 times before asking You for a mate for more money to try it one more time It's gambling. Yeah, there's no toilet in there. There must be one of the main. Yeah, let's go to the main block Yeah, the gents gents. Oh, there you go. Let's do that then Well, rather you do that because I'm straight edge and I'm not talking no wee-wees or nothing.

Starting point is 01:05:07 He's talking about the king, he has to be able to hold his wee-wee. Right hang on. So here's all the rides, Horror Hotel, £5 per person, Wild River £6 per person. So it's going to be 22 pounds in total. Yeah, let's just put 22 quid on a card and then say give us our cheap thrills. And don't worry Listen if we can we'll have our recording going and you'll hear every moment of our thrilling adventure Well, I'm glad because I like funfairs and stuff. I like funfairs. Remember we went to Disneyland

Starting point is 01:05:34 Which if you're a patreon support you can watch that patreon exclusive video of me and Eli at Disneyland But yeah, I fucking love it right you go toilet now and I'll stop recording now Yeah, I fucking love it. Right, you go toilet now and I'll stop recording now. And no, I won't be filming it as much as I would really like to, but we're in a public place and if I take a recorder into the toilets, there's a very good chance I'll get tossed off. And not in the good way, right readers? Wink, wink. Oh, God. So, we just went to buy tickets to go on a few rides, well, two rides. However, once we went to pay for them, our timing was off, they closed the ride due to

Starting point is 01:06:11 adverse windy conditions. How is it? Because of the wind? Yeah. Is that what they said? A lot of the rides, I mean, maybe that's why the roller coasters closed and the mouts because there's too much wind and I don't know, maybe you'll fall off. Well, you said that could have been from the 1970s, that roller coaster.

Starting point is 01:06:24 I mean, maybe, I don't know. So, you know, the maintenance. The design is. What I'm saying is the maybe you'll fall off. Well, you said that could have been from the 1970s, that roller coaster. I mean, maybe, I don't know. So, you know, the maintenance... The designers, what I'm saying is the designs from back then. I'm so impressed with that roller coaster. I just get the feeling it'd be really janky and, like, you know what I mean, hurty. Yeah. Rattly is the word. Rattly.

Starting point is 01:06:37 But no, the one that they shut is the log flue. Which is what we wanted to go on and get all splishy splashy. Oh, oh well. But let's just say they open it later and we can put money on the card because we bought a little card. A Brighton Palace Pier card. And they put a tenner on it. We put a tenner on because we are going on the horror hotel. This rechargeable card can be used to pay for fairground rides. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Starting point is 01:06:59 It may not be redeemed for cash. So you can't say only went on one ride can I have a fiver back please. No no, no So, yeah, we're going to sneak this on so you can hear every moment of our time at the Horror Hotel. Let's go on, we're joining the queue. And this aims to be a classic haunted house ride. Classic. Why did you go the long way, mate? Fair enough then. Eli went the other way so he could say hello to Frankenstein. I hope this doesn't get closed because of windy conditions.

Starting point is 01:07:44 They can't close this because of windy conditions. You never know mate. The whole thing's blowing over. The skeletons are falling out of their baskets. So yeah we're going to sneak you guys on so you can hear every frightening sound, what we experience on this ride. This is Horror Hotel on Brighton Pier. A classic dark ride pretzel.

Starting point is 01:08:04 Is it pretzel. Is it pretzel? Is it going to go up and down, you think? Yeah, it has a little drop there. It's got two levels to it. Do you think there'll be jump scares? Here's what I'm guaranteeing. There will be a moment where you go down a tunnel that rotates where it looks like you're going upside down. There'll be a skeleton on a bike. That's what I reckon will be there as well.

Starting point is 01:08:23 I think there will be a Dracula and a Frankenstein yeah well there's Frankies guarding the queue. Something will come out of a coffin at some point I tell you what we could be in this queue for a little while judging by the speed of its movement so we're going to come back to you just before we get on the ride all right okay in a bit I'm gonna stop saying see in a bit you really do it's just the way I sign off we do walk about stuff. You stop saying oh dear so much. Oh dear. We're just recording now, we're going to get on maybe in the next batch. Shush, shush, shush. We're going on a spooky ghost adventure, come and join us.

Starting point is 01:08:53 Horror hotel. Ooh. You'll never check out. Huh? Yeah, no, you check in but you never check out. Oh. Like the Hotel California. Yeah, but this is the horror hotel.

Starting point is 01:09:02 Will you be staying with us forever. No, just one night, thanks. Well, the Shining set in the hotel, isn't it? Yeah. Well observed. It's very similar to some extent to the ghost house near me growing up. Really? Which is called the Terror House or something. In New Brighton, is it? Yeah. But instead of it having two levels up, it is called the Terror House or something. In New Brighton, is it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:25 But instead of having two levels up, it was two levels that went down, so it went below the building, it went below it and into the catacombs that were naturally there already built into the... Oh, that's cool, isn't it? That's pretty nice. But I can barely remember anything about the Ghost Train other than that. You've been clocked recording, by the way. I like. than that. You've been clocked recording by the way.

Starting point is 01:09:52 I've hit you in a bag now. I've hit alright in the bag? We're still waiting to go in, bear with us, hang on. Right, we're nearly on now, we're at the front. There we go, thank you very much. Right, you've got to put the seatbelt on, where is it? There. Oh, bring it down. Take it in. OK, cool, see you go up.

Starting point is 01:10:44 Whoa. Where is it? There. Oh, bring it down. Stick it in. OK, go. See you go up. Whoa. Oh, it's red, red light. Red light. Oh, I. When the dull green light comes on, it's a red light. It's a red light.

Starting point is 01:10:52 It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light.

Starting point is 01:11:00 It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light. It's a red light, red light. Where are they? When the dulls, green light, comes on, there we go. Green light, yeah. All the boats, I can see green, I can go to the boat from. No, look, come on board and then it will let us in.

Starting point is 01:11:16 Really? Yeah. Green light. Oh, it's getting scary. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, here we go. Yours right. Here we go. We're going round to the side now. I've been trying to do this for the rest of my life. With a skeleton with eyes.

Starting point is 01:11:40 It's going to jump out of there. Maybe. It's a bit dark, it's big flat. Oh, I don't like it. He's going to jump out. He's going to jump out of there. It's very dark. It's very scary.

Starting point is 01:11:56 Ah! Spider! Spider! Oh, it's coming down. Oh, we're going quite, it's coming down. We're going quite high up, aren't we? Fucking hell! I don't like it. Oh, I got...

Starting point is 01:12:12 Oh, we're going to do a little dip. Oh, it's going to dip. We're coming out from the top. Whee! Whee! Oh, God. It's like a man with no face, and his face is a man-kid. He's like a friendly man, and there's Mona Lisa. Why is it Mona Lisa? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:12:31 It's not scary. Oh, there's a pumpkin. Oh, there's a pumpkin. Oh,'s the butcher! It's the butcher! It's the butcher! It's the butcher! Oh, where are we now? We're on the back end. Here lies someone. It's a zombie with a cleaver.

Starting point is 01:12:58 Talk to the grave. Great one. It's a zombie with a cleaver. It's a zombie with a cleaver. It's a zombie with a cleaver. Where are we now? We're on the back end. Another level. Here lies someone. That's good. It's a zombie with a cleaver. Talk to the grave. Great one. Talk to the grave. Be afraid.

Starting point is 01:13:12 You wish. No, witch. I think she's a witch. I've enjoyed this. Hang on. Here we go. Last bit. I think it is the last bit now. Maybe, yeah. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:13:29 HE SCREAMS Right, I'll be back out again. Oh, God! Lady! An old lady came at us. An old hag. Oh, no. In and out. In and out. Pretzels. Yeah. It's like a pretzel, isn't it? Yeah. Oh!

Starting point is 01:13:45 That's... By the Elm Street. Yeah. Oh, the fighters. Oh! What's this? SIRENS Oh, it's very loud. UV skeleton flying overhead.

Starting point is 01:14:00 Oh! That was you. That was me, wasn't it? Oh! That was not you! No., wasn't it? Oh! That was not you! No! What was that? It was danglies. Danglies! What's that? I don't know. A furnace. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:14:16 HE GROWLS There's a skeleton popping out of the closet. Yes, there we are. Who's the man there? It's Eli. Shut up! It's you! Oh, eh?

Starting point is 01:14:28 Oh! It's all very dark. Oh, boo! The bride came out OK. No, the back door. The bride came out of the water. Someone in bed. Oh!

Starting point is 01:14:36 That could be anyone. I like this. Oh, would you give it up again a bit? Oh! Oh! I think that's it. Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Give the drugs to him.

Starting point is 01:14:44 Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Oh, it's going up again a bit. Oh! Oh! I think that's it. Oh, yeah, we're going to come out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Plastic goes straight. That was bloody good, actually. Right, we've got to get out of here. You undo it and then you lift it.

Starting point is 01:15:03 There we go. Right, let's get out of here. You undo it and then you lift it. There we go. Right, let's get out of here. Oh! Is everything there still? Right. Top fun. You know, a classic... I mean, cheap and shonky, but top fun.

Starting point is 01:15:24 A classic ghost train. Pretzel. And actually, you know, not as man I mean cheap and shonky, but top fun. A classic ghost train. Pretzel. And actually, you know, not as manky as I thought it was going to be. No. There's some nice set design in there. I liked it, yeah. It was very traditional, but... Things pop up out of the dark.

Starting point is 01:15:36 Skeleton overhead. Nice use of black light. Yep. Couple of dips and twists. Very traditional. And you know what, it had that little rollercoaster element which I appreciate it as well yeah so there we are not bad at all not bad at all five pounds no no it's not worth five pounds at all however I will say this oh it's gonna get windy for Tim around

Starting point is 01:15:58 the corner uh what was I gonna say what were you gonna say going to say? You will say it. Oh it's gone. About the ghost ride? Oh no it was fun, classic, yeah, good. Oh yeah, that's the thing I was going to say. Whether or not you listening to that just then everyone, it made any fucking sense, it wasn't just a cacophony of noise, I won't know until I hear it back in the edit.

Starting point is 01:16:20 But hopefully you got a gist of some of the experiences and fright we had. I'm glad we did that Paul. It's a shame we couldn't get on the... Wild log. On the wild... What's it called? Hot log. Wild log. The hot log. The hot log backup machine.

Starting point is 01:16:33 Oh, there's a man surfing and there's another one canoeing. Look at that bugger in the blue. He's surfing over there. He's surfing here. Yeah. Oh, he must like doing that. I guess you don't get a great break here here usually but it is a windy day in the so There is a there is some breakers coming in I guess he's just sitting there waiting for what should we do now then gov We need to paddle in the sea. Oh, yeah Well, tell you what, can I go for a wee and then we're good to walk along the beach a bit

Starting point is 01:16:57 And we'll see if we can get up to the elephant tunnel. Can we walk through the arcades on the way back as well? I want to have a look in the arcades. Maybe I'll record that a little bit. We'll see, but right now, peepee time, please. Peepee time, please. Peepee time, please. Oh, I bet they haven't opened up that log ride. I want to go on it. I feel angry now.

Starting point is 01:17:13 I can't get on it. But it's not moving at all still. It's too windy. Yeah, too windy. All right, see you in a while, everybody. Catch you on the flip side, Daddy-o. Right mate, just as we're going into this, I'd like you to on record now apologise to me and our audience for your error. Pod go up and down everybody. Pod go up and down.

Starting point is 01:18:09 The shaft with the pod, or as Eli likes to say, observation booth. Doors go up and down the shaft. Are we gonna go on it then? No, I bet it's 50 quid for the privilege. Oh come on, we're only here, please. I fucking have you. I enjoyed the ghost train though, we both meant it.

Starting point is 01:18:24 We both enjoyed the ghost train though, we both meant it. Low key frills though. Right, fucking hell. Right, we're in the arcade segment. That sweaty, kind of weird. It's carpety, dusty almost. I mean this carpet's probably got enough DNA in it to repopulate the planet. But that's just so nostalgic for me, the smell.

Starting point is 01:18:42 I'm not myself. The smell as we stepped into this arcade is just... So familiar. It's brought me back. And they kind of smell the same all over the world, you know that as well? It's carpet and glass and you know, it's the things that they're made of. Because I went to one in LA when I was on my own that time last year. We went into something similar to this.

Starting point is 01:19:01 It was like, wow, it smells like I'm in Blackpool. Yeah, yeah. We're in front of Sega Rambo. Any knowledge about this? It's a shooty gun game. Oh, yeah. A light gun game, basically. Shooty gun game. Does it go rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle? Probably.

Starting point is 01:19:12 That's quite impressive. Big gun. Rambo gun. But I've seen people play it. It's basically a house of the dead. It's like you say it's a money eater. And so is this a bit... Terminator Salvation. Terminator Salvation. Does anyone, has anyone

Starting point is 01:19:26 into these anymore? Like arcade games? Yeah. I guess so. Otherwise they wouldn't still have them right? They're like this. Dance, Dance, Dance, Revolution or Dance, Dance, Dance, Revolution. People go mad on that. Yeah. You're gonna take a picture of this Playhouse of the Stars. Little pocket buckets. I like the fact that they still even have that secluded area where you can pray like the slot machines and only 18s or more are allowed to go in. And it's full of, I'll be honest with you, ropey looking fellas. The Dr. No pinball machine. Oh, I want one of them. Look at the Sriracha thing. Oh, it's a plush Sriracha bottle.

Starting point is 01:20:13 Oh, I... Are you going to have a go? Well, they're called Kawaii, aren't they? There's a style of it. Where it's like you put a cute face on one. On an object. They've got brown sauce, Kawaii Bruin, brown sauce, mustard. I'd have any of them. Sriracha, I'd like the Sriracha to be my favourite.

Starting point is 01:20:26 Do you think we'll be able to win one? No, absolutely not. What I'm hoping is that there's probably a store on the Seafront that sells it for a tenner. In which case, they've got Video Poker here. Joker Poker. Why isn't that in the 18s? Probably because it says 18 or over, you must be able to play it. It's Gambit, man.

Starting point is 01:20:46 But maybe the limit isn't as high as the ones in that private room. For a Royal Flush, it pays out £5. Do you know how often that fucking happens? In the room next door, it says it's a £500 play out. It's to do with the jackpot size, isn't it? I think you have to keep the kids away from this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mostly just like, Jack, boss, Jack. There's one guitar. What's the fucking word I'm looking for?

Starting point is 01:21:11 Jack, boss. Jack, pop machines. Jack, pop machines, thank you, fuck me. Sorry, say again. Hi guys, so long as you're not recording, that'll be fine, okay? Yeah. This is only audio, not video, is that alright? That's perfectly fine. Beautiful, alright, cheers man, thank you. You're welcome. Thank that'll be fine, OK? This is only audio, not video, is that all right? That's perfectly fine.

Starting point is 01:21:25 Beautiful. All right, cheers, man. Thank you. It's a whole thing, isn't it? It's a whole thing about it. As long as you can't film any dodgy stuff we're doing in here, you're all right to do what you're doing in here. It's just audio, which is cool. It was very nice. Oh, yeah, no, I'm not complaining. Look, a lovely ornate ironwork would be inside of this.

Starting point is 01:21:42 Oh, you have to get a picture of that as well, then. Oh, there's a wall of light where you react and you've got to hit stuff. Is that like a dance thing? No, it's like they light up and you've got to bop them out like whack-a-mole. What's the most he's going to have a go? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:54 He's going to get his fucking groove on. Paul, I was going to say, there's one guitar hero machine, but I remember coming here like over 10 years ago and it was all guitar hero machines like every single one. That died out quick. Yeah. Oh that goodspin is like the thing from Price is Right. A wheel of fortune.

Starting point is 01:22:13 No, you know, oh yeah I guess a little bit like that but it's definitely more model on the Price is Right final round. Yeah because you're on the outside edge of the wheel. Wheel spinning it. Like this guy's going to do it. He's going to go on the speed of light. He's going to fucking do it. It's a walking down. It's a duel, they're playing together. A couple gonna fucking do it. It's a walking down.

Starting point is 01:22:25 Couple playing together. I just want to see what you do. You tap the lights. Yeah, I say it's like whack-a-mole. It's like... Challenge whack-a-mole, see? Oh yeah, it's whack-a-mole. She's doing it as quick as she can and he's doing it. It's whack-a-mole.

Starting point is 01:22:37 Is that the only game? That's the whole game? Yeah, and who gets the most wins. That's pretty good. She's winning by the way. She looks pretty tasty. I mean, mate, how dare you? How reductive. Tasty at speed of light game.

Starting point is 01:22:52 Sexist Eli once again rearing his ugly, bot mottled, haired head. See here's the problem with all these fucking games where you win weird shit like this. I just would rather spend the money on having that weird shit. I mean, at the end of the day, anyone winning those earbuds is not going to win earbuds really. They'll be thrown out by the end of the day. They'll be very cheap Chinese... Cheap Chinese rubbish ones.

Starting point is 01:23:20 Or maybe they're the best ones ever and we're just being small-minded. No, they'll be alright. They'll probably work for a few minutes. You could win a Smart-Rosh. Zombie bowling. I guess it's just a set of pins there's on me. I'm actually, there's quite a variety of amusements here. Yeah, I guess.

Starting point is 01:23:39 I've never been won over by these places, that's the thing, just personally speaking. There's a certain charm to the Victoriana of it all. No there's a charm to it and it's kind of funny that you know 30 years on from when I was a kid 40 years on these things don't really look all that different apart from the bells and whistles and the smaller details. Look this is a sort of bowling game but it's got like 3, that's a Pepper's Ghost effect, isn't it? With fish, and it's very much like Finding Nemo style fish, isn't it? It's still the same old game.

Starting point is 01:24:11 That's what I'm saying, it's the same old game still. It's just they've got a lick of paint where it makes them look all modern or fun. This is ridiculous. It's called Pac-Man, but it's a... Shoveapney. It's a Shoveapney Pac-Man. What's Pac-Man about it? Nothing.

Starting point is 01:24:23 The licensing, which draws people to it, like it drew us to it. I don't know what that swirly thing is, Pac-Man swirl. I presume you drop a ball down it and get it in one of those old surprises. But again... Minions. They don't have to be here. Minions aren't as prolific as they were last time we came here. They were fucking everywhere last time. They calmed down. It's good to see these trends calming down.

Starting point is 01:24:47 And then you get more variety. I think there's a place for minions for me. There's a place for guitar hero. There's a place for zombie bowling. And there's a place for lucky ducks. Lucky duck. Those ducks look very, very... I just want one of these for prosperity.

Starting point is 01:25:05 It's where you put all your change. A little paper pot. We can take those for free? Yeah, because you're meant to put them in and get all your change. These are ice cream pots. I mean, basically, yeah. These grubby ducks. They are dirty, grubby, lucky ducks.

Starting point is 01:25:20 They look so grubby. They are mucky, lucky ducks is what they are. Take a picture of those Mucky Ducks. I am. Who is? I am into that. Grubby Ducks. And look, it looks like they're going, oh, feed me cum.

Starting point is 01:25:31 Oh, we're cum ducks. Oh, we're so filthy. Oh, oh, quack quack. Yucky Lucky Mucky Ducks, is what they are. It's quite a lot of shove apenny machines. Is that what these... No, the kids don't call them shove-apenny machines, though. Right? They must have some kids...

Starting point is 01:25:47 Coin shove, coin... Or there's toilets here. Penny shove. I'm all right. I've already had one. Really? Because we know what happened last time. Yeah, but last time I'd had, like, three coffees and a pint by that point. And I'm straight-edged today. Have you been drinking?

Starting point is 01:26:01 No, not a single thing. You didn't sneak a little flask into the ghost ride? No. Oh, watch out, mate. You didn't sneak a little flask into the ghost raid? No, oh watch out mate. You got in the way of that hippie. You did, you got in his way. Right now I need to, sorry, excuse me. Thank you. Ding ding ding ding ding, people paying out, people paying out.

Starting point is 01:26:22 Right, and we're out the front, right. Well, that was the glorious arcade experience. Pod go up. Pod go up, see pod go up. Pod go up, pod go down. And pod go then come down, pod go up. Pod go down. But I don't see pod go down.

Starting point is 01:26:37 Is it because I'm bad? You're pod blind. You're down blind. You don't see down or up. You only see stasis. Pod go down. You don't see down or up. You only see stasis. Pod go down. Pod go down. Pod go up. Mate. We're going to walk along the beach now with our socks and shoes off

Starting point is 01:26:55 and get wet and soggy. All right, that's what we're going to do next then. Do you want to try and get something to eat maybe soon? Shall we aim for food as well? What would you want? I don't know. I don't really have a plan. OK. So I'm happy to So you aim for food as well? What would you want? I don't know, I don't really have a plan. OK. So I'm happy to go with whatever.

Starting point is 01:27:07 You get like banger and chips, that's traditional, something like that? Yeah, maybe. Maybe just a banger and chips. Well there's lots of places that do like fry ups, like greasy spoons and that sort of thing. I don't know about a greasy spoon, I'm thinking burger or I'm thinking, you know like... Yeah, but that greasy spoon will do you a burger, won't it? And you'll do you a nice coffee like, you know.

Starting point is 01:27:23 Yeah, but I also do, like fucking... Salmone it? And you'll do you a nice coffee like you like. But I also do a meat, like fucking... Salmonella. Bellyache, yeah. I like the shit. I don't want this episode to go from, oh, last time Paul had to go wee wee all the time. And then now Paul's got brown cake in his kegs because he couldn't hold his scat in.

Starting point is 01:27:38 It will never be that bad. It will never be that bad. You never know. Right, I'm turning, you keep the pots. OK. In case we need to... Oh, those are nice. Brighton Beach. Brighton Palace Pier.

Starting point is 01:27:50 It's the Palace Pier, that's what it is. This is what we're on, Palace Pier. Right, we'll see you on the beach. Boy howdy, the wind's coming down, but we are barefoot on the beach. What, ow, what? You just don't walk fast, do you? You walk slow and then it's fine, ow.

Starting point is 01:28:15 I've got a fucking pebble right between, oh, I've got fag ash between, cigarette between me toes. Oh God, you're not wrong, there could be fucking glass and all sorts, you don't know. Oh, there's a sock and all. Now here's the wet bit. This is where it gets fine now, it's finer. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:34 Oh god. I hope this wind's not too much of a fucking annoyance for you to listen to, because we're going to walk now towards the water. Ah! Ah! Ow! This is ow! Yeah, maybe I should have kept my shoes and socks on a bit longer. Oh!

Starting point is 01:28:57 But now we're down, it's too late now. It's too late now, we're in, we're in like Flynn. We made a schoolboy error. Schoolboy error. Took our shoes and socks off too high up the beach. And it has literally been like Flynn. We took our, we made a schoolboy error. Schoolboy error. Took our shoes and socks off too high up the beach and it's literally been like torture on the pebbles. The sharp, sharp pebbles. We could have cut our feet open and got...

Starting point is 01:29:15 I know, we don't know what we've got in store, do we? But it's getting finer, the stones are getting finer and we're going to dip our toes into the cold. What sea is this? What sea? channel yeah oh yeah the channel here we go ow ow fucking ow ow you're fucking ow fucking ow I know it really is hurting my feet yeah we're nearly's alright, we're almost there. We're nearly there. Here we go. I somehow managed to get a pair of... Do you know what we needed?

Starting point is 01:29:55 Jelly shoes. Flip flops. Or flip flops or anything that's just off our fucking feet. All the waves are coming in now. Here we go. Here we go, here we go. I will be putting my shoes on the instant I come out of the water. Here we go, we're paddling.

Starting point is 01:30:15 Oh, they go up quite high anyway. Oh, I don't complain about fucking wet hems like you do, you big baby. Eli Wet Hems, Hems Silverman. Here we go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Starting point is 01:30:40 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, No, it's not that cold, but it's bracing. It takes some getting into, yeah. That's going to be nice. It'll be nice to swim. But it's just not, it's not, the wind makes it so much chillier, doesn't it?

Starting point is 01:30:52 Yeah, it does. Actually quite nice. It's actually quite nice. Yeah. But we'll get our shoes on sooner. Yeah. I wish this was a sandy beach. No, I think people have said that over the years or not

Starting point is 01:31:03 down here. No, we can see, we've got the Palace Pier to our right and then beyond that you can see the Ghost Pier, the Furned Down Pier. It's a lovely day. It is quite lovely. It's very windy though. It's not like super hot. It's not super hot at all, but it's not cold. No. It's quite nice. I just wish I wasn't in so much foot pain. Just get your shoes on, come on. Yeah. We made a mistake there.

Starting point is 01:31:33 We've done a paddle. That's it now. We've done a paddle. I'm getting out now. I wish I had flip-flaps. I can't even run away. I'm crawling. I'm gonna have to... I'm'm crawling. I'm going to have to, I'm going to crawl. I'm going to crawl. Ah, ah.

Starting point is 01:31:50 Ah, that's it, I'm done. I'm far away. Ah, ah. All right, well, that was fun. That was fun, wasn't it, Eli? Eli's having problems himself. Ow! HE LAUGHS

Starting point is 01:32:07 Oh, no. OK, OK. OK. Right, sit down, put our shoes and socks on now. We've had fun. Immediately! We've had fun. You definitely, we lesson learned.

Starting point is 01:32:20 That lady's dog is watching her swim. It's such a, it's a beautiful beautiful looks like a border collie cross or something Really lovely dog. I think he's been for a paddle, but he's not getting all the way here He's watching his his master that yeah fair enough right okay, right well We're gonna check oh yeah, we saw something called the Volks electric train So we're gonna look into the prices and that and where it goes and because the elephant tunnel Which I do want to visit the end of, is up that way and the train seems to be going that way. But is it, most of those sort of novelty trains, they're

Starting point is 01:32:52 usually, oh look the dog's, look. Oh the dog's going in. He's going in. He's going in. He's fancy you know. He fancies it. I think it's a girl dog. Yeah. And she's like, oh, you can come in then. Right, can we cut this now? Can I stop? What did you want to say about the thing? Oh, yeah. Quick, it's windy. It might, usually they're on a circuit and they come back to the beginning, don't they?

Starting point is 01:33:17 We'll have to check, but... I'm sorry if this is too windy. We're cutting now and going to some less windy footage in a moment. Thank you. We love you. Right, update. We timed that quite nicely. We've got a couple of things to do. We've got a couple of things to do. We've in a moment. Thank you, we love you. Right, update, we timed that quite nicely. We are on the Valks Electric Railway. The oldest running electric railroad in the world. It is. Magnus Valks was the man who made it.

Starting point is 01:33:41 And I said earlier that posh Victorian people used to come to Brighton. It's not true at all It said by 1883 Brighton was had flocks of Working-class people. Yeah, it's been working class. It's working class seaside resort. Yeah This is fucking excellent So we just on a whim for let's try this out. I'm having so much fun today It's weird having a proper day out of the beach this time.'t we? I can't believe I've come to Brighton so many times countless times over the years and I literally have never done

Starting point is 01:34:10 this and it's not prohibitively expensive I love this. It's just on the six quid for a return trip which is all the way up and all the way back. We're looking out the back we've got back seats so we're looking out the back of this train. I love these arches up here. Looks like a homeless encampment up there. It probably is that's why yeah. This is fantastic. What a fantastic little train this is. It's got a little horn. This is the third type of train we've been on today. Did you get... oh I've been on a tube London tube Main line down to Brian and then the old electric rail in the world and also the ghost train on the ghost train

Starting point is 01:34:52 You know, it's all about all about the trains It's an outsider art along the way I'm filming a bit of this on my phone just for the hell of it. Turn around. Can you hear the 2-2? Yeah. This is amazing. I'm just filming Eli as he enjoys himself. I wish I'd got a map of the route. I should have got a map maybe so we know where we are.

Starting point is 01:35:33 This is safe mate the terrace. Well we're going to get to a halfway station, it is halfway. We haven't reached that. Black Rock was the final destination. That's right, yeah. Aquarium station is the start. Because I think that's probably where the Brighton Aquarium used to be.

Starting point is 01:35:48 Is this the area where they used to have the Fatboy Slim concerts? It's this area of the beach. I'm not sure, but possibly, yes. We're going up towards Kemptown. Brighton has Hove to the east. Yeah, no, to the west, and Kemptown to the to the east east that's south yeah yeah that's north so that's east no never eat shredded I'm looking at the wrong

Starting point is 01:36:13 direction yeah okay so Kemptown is to well there's a swimming pool there wow the natural edge it's a swimming pool where people the serious swim as it looks like no messing about no messing about there You can get swim coaching here. This is cool. This is honestly I love, I'm gonna turn into one of those railway boars. Well there's a little Lido by where I live in Harrow and they have something like this but it's a tiny little trim that you straddle like a bench and it goes up and down. We've never gone like that either. We should do that. That might be a Patreon episode frankly. Oh there's a volleyball court and here we go. This goes on forever all of this old Victorian pleasure sort of dome stuff you know. I love it. Metalwork. It's all ruined and

Starting point is 01:36:56 dilapidated now. Are they trying to fix any of this up or they're just trying to preserve what's left? They should fix it up. That little clock tower over here is really interesting. It's like an observation point on the edge of the cliff. Hello man, who waves? The man wave. He waved at me and I thought I'd wave at him back as a gesture of solidarity and love. You don't wave unless you want to get waved back. It's called Yellow. Halfway station we're at now. So we've got a yellow token to proceed. That's not us though.

Starting point is 01:37:26 And that was called Yellow Wave. Did you see it? It said Yellow Wave on the side of that. Jungle rum. Wrong. Rumble. Jungle rumble adventure. So this is the halfway point.

Starting point is 01:37:36 This is where we could get out if we wanted to do half route and then walk back. But we're going all the way. Because on Cheap Show, we go all the way, all the time. We're going all the way to Black Rock. Which is by the marina yeah and like I said you don't want to go on the marina. No we stay on this this is the other one coming back some people are getting on the train yeah not us we're going off we're going all the way just like that band Sly Fox we're going all the way Fox, we're going all the way.

Starting point is 01:38:26 Ba da da da dee dee dee dee, ba da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Because look, you've got a little pedal where you power it there and then you've got the wheel. You've got a driver's sort of space on both ends, I guess. Yeah, I could pretend to drive it right now with the wheel, but I will not touch it. It looks like they're building another crazy golf course. Oh, we're in some kind of shed now. We're going through a shed. Oh, look, there's other carriages, spare carriages from the railway. It's a whole little railway isn't it? It is, no it's a full railway. Oh look at this stuff going to the side of it. I mean yeah, Duke's Mound is where we are now. Look at this side, it's all very nice isn't it? You can smell burning wood. It has got shades of like Santa Monica Pier and the beach and that area.

Starting point is 01:39:05 I mean, you know, Seaside Coastal Resort are all going to be so much of a muchness. But there is a vibe to Brighton which does fit somewhat well with LA's vibe. Yes, I know what you mean. With the way it's like one long beach, but along those beaches there are partitions where segments are known like Muscle Beach or Venice and all these kind of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's segmented. Segmented, now as we travel away, are we about a mile away from the pier now do you think? Must be about that. Coming up for, yeah. Like, Jukes Mound we've just passed.

Starting point is 01:39:35 Jukes Mound is a... Is it what? What is Jukes Mound? Where's the mouth? Look at this, all of these old arches. Victorian arches just are unused now. I'm going to put a ban on you saying the word arch now for the rest of the episode because you've overused the arch word. And you know what we had the other day everyone? The new McDonald's big arch.

Starting point is 01:39:55 Yeah we did though. I can't tell them off of that, we did. It was alright. It was alright. We want this Philly steak bake back or whatever it's called. Philly cheese stack. This is where they park all the buses you can see. We want this Philly steak bake back or whatever it's called. Philly cheese stack. This is where they park all the buses, you can see.

Starting point is 01:40:09 Oh, BlackRock Rejuvenation are doing it. This must be BlackRock. We haven't arrived at the station yet. What a fucking great thing. Isn't it? I love the idea of a train just as an amusement as well, just as a... As a folly. Yeah. Nothing, you know.

Starting point is 01:40:29 There's no reason for it. No transport reason for it. I mean, you might use this to commute into town if you lived up there, baby. Imagine there was one businessman who's got on this every morning when it opens. Polar cap, suitcase, umbrella and a handle. I'm commuting, yes. Off to work, darling, in the high-pressure business of money. Ding ding.

Starting point is 01:40:46 Ooh, I get to press the horn. Ha ha. Wouldn't that be funny if it wasn't? It wouldn't be, look. I mean, it's legitimate. What's that guy doing? It's going quite far up now. What's that guy doing?

Starting point is 01:40:54 What's he doing? What's he holding? What's he doing? Is this art? Is that Tai Chi or something? Is it? Or is it just a random man standing there pointing at things that don't exist? Yeah, just a random mad guy. I think he's a random man of madness.

Starting point is 01:41:13 Oh that looks like a nice venue, the reading room. There's so much of these buildings built into the side. Yeah. We've obviously put money into that one. I think that might be the elephant tunnel there at the entrance, you see it? Oh, there! See, this has worked out perfectly, mate. This is the end of the line. Hooray! This is the end of the line. I'm going to ask her if we have to go back right now, because the last train's at 5.15. So I think we could just come back whenever we want, right?

Starting point is 01:41:42 How do we get out? Unchain it. Maybe she has to do it legally. I know she's doing it. Have I got the ticket still? Is this the right ticket? Brighton Piaz. Don't want to lose the receipt for this. Why don't you? Is it it? Yeah. Four pounds. No, that's not it, is it?

Starting point is 01:42:01 What did I spend four pounds on? It's not it, is it? What did I spend four pound on? It's not that. Which I am, whatever, whatever, whatever. Oh, I haven't fucking lost a receipt. No, it's here, isn't it? Yeah, this is the one. Yeah, yeah, two returns. So we can come back on this anytime we want, I'm presuming.

Starting point is 01:42:25 Hello, quick question. So we've got a return. Does this mean we can come back onto this anytime we want. I presume. Hello, quick question. So we've got a return. Does this mean we can come back onto the train and return it? Yeah, any train out until 5.15. All right, cool. Thank you very much. Cheers. Bye bye.

Starting point is 01:42:35 I just thought I'd double check that we didn't have to get on it straight away and come back like it was a thing. There's all those big waves where they were crashing before. So the last train out of it is 5.15. Yeah, so we've got plenty of time. Plenty of time. I love all this ruined Victoria man. Yeah well listen let me just take a quick break while we figure out a plan

Starting point is 01:42:52 because you're right the tunnels just up that way. We've got the big sprays there. We should walk up because the tunnels actually in a square just up and then come through and out. Yeah and then see if we can see the other end of it there okay let's try that then all right all right cool see uh that was that was lovely we will be back in in a moment or two's time right we're at the camp Kemptown estate uh and we can see the Kemptown Estate. We can see the Kemptown enclosures there. Someone's come out. It's not as mysterious you just see people who sit in alleyways. Thomas Reed Kempt. It was his estate all of this stuff. Yeah, but this isn't the elephant tunnel is it? It is not, but it's a similar tunnel that goes down from above. Yeah, there's like a tiny closed off private estate area of living. If we can find that, that's where we're going to go find.

Starting point is 01:43:55 We're trying to make our way up to the higher ground from the beach. Yeah. Where we got off the volks. And then see if we can find this big old tunnel people are talking about. It's an electric railway and it sounds like Volt, doesn't it? Volk. Oh, yeah. It's all of it. Yeah. Volk. Volk. Yeah. What does Volt run on? Volk. Volk.

Starting point is 01:44:19 What about Amps? No, he doesn't. He doesn't live around here no more. No, Derry Amp. Derry Amps. Danny Amps. Danny Amps. Danny Amps. Eli, shut up. Yeah, thank you.

Starting point is 01:44:31 Thank God you've said it. Saves me the fucking energy. I haven't had enough caffeine today. We haven't had enough. We need to get some food, mate. I haven't had any caffeine. You've had an energy drink, haven't you? No, I've had a green tea.

Starting point is 01:44:39 Oh. No wonder I feel like utter shit. Do you? Yeah. I'm feeling straight-laced and free. Sound of mind, clear mind. I'm feeling like a fucking idiot. I'm feeling like a fucking idiot. I'm feeling had a green tea. Oh. No wonder I feel like utter shit. Do you? Yeah. I'm feeling straight laced and free. Sound of mind, clear of thought. Is that sober?

Starting point is 01:44:51 Is it sober if you drink coffee? It awakens as little Grassell as my friend. Well, it's still a drug, though. You know, still a psychoactive caffeine is not a drug. It's absolutely not. All right. I don't know. It's not a a drug and I will stand by that till my dying day now here we are we're walking around here now that goes down

Starting point is 01:45:11 that way we're going higher up is there oh yeah there is because this elephant tunnel has been haunting me for years and our conversations about Brighton I want to see it be underwhelmed by it and then move on. Yes, that's the plan Paul. That is the plan and then we need food. Oh we need food. And then. Let's get a burger, this curry places are good here, you know.

Starting point is 01:45:37 I don't want a curry. You don't want a curry. I am not in a mood for curry today. Right, here we go. Black Rock Rejuvenation, great stuff, they're going to build stuff, great. Where's this elephant thing? You can't get angry. It's complete, phase one is complete. Yeah, but phase one started in 2019.

Starting point is 01:46:00 But where's this tunnel? Bio-diverse vegetated shingle, no public access. The temple, the reading room, we've been past that. That's where we came up and that's that and then that's where the private gardens are, so behind those houses. So yeah that tunnel goes into that is it that's the elephant tunnel that's where it comes out does it was wait well then that we saw and it goes into this private parkland yeah Let's go up there and go round a bit. Oh, you think?

Starting point is 01:46:45 It's the Sweeney. The Sweeney, the Sweeney. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Reed Kemp 1782 to 1884 memory of this plaque commemorates the bicentennial of this estate that he planned and developed and I bet it cost a pretty fucking penny done it to live around there on there well Mark was here but he didn't have access to the tunnel do you know well then fuck him oh yeah he did actually because he was a resident up here. Oh it's too much wind hang on. Right so we've come off the seafront now we're just walking around the side of this private park.

Starting point is 01:47:36 So what does that mean he just had an elephant willy nilly in that fucking area for the longest time? He probably had elephant keepers you know that he put up. He's a cunt. He was a king. Yeah and he's a cunt. But you can see through the gate what the space is like and it's like slightly wild almost but it's like kind of wild and rugged looking. It looks like scrubland a bit there and there. It's nice. No I'm not complaining. It's all a bit weather beaten because you can get the breeze coming straight up the sea. All right. I'm feeling a bit weather beaten. I'm alright, again, it's my sober mind and my... Oh, nearly got hit by a car. Sober mind.

Starting point is 01:48:11 It's utterly silent, wasn't it? Yeah, that's how they kill you. They're the silent killers, electric cars. Look at this lovely old Volkswagen. Volkswagen. It's a campervan. Volk. They're worth about 100 grand, those old ones.

Starting point is 01:48:22 Volk. Wouldn't you love to have one of these and go down somewhere? Yes, I would. I would love that, yeah. It's a campervan. Volk. They're worth about 100 grand those old ones. Volk. Wouldn't you love to have one of these and go down somewhere? I would. I would love that. Yeah. Or just park up somewhere one day with a dooby-doo and a flask of hot coffee. And some whiskey. And a little record player that you can bring with you that runs on batteries. Oh, I could drink my new sound burger.

Starting point is 01:48:39 Yeah, and then just, you know, chill. I told you I DJ'd at my friend's birthday party on the Soundburger I know it was fun yeah who is Thomas Cubitt, builder of 37 houses in Kemptown oh okay fair enough he lived there fair enough very famous Victorian architect and engineer I believe so were they known for their races? You must have heard about the Kemptown Races mate. Where are we going? Mark lives on the other side of this. Oh, okay. We're not going anywhere really. We can walk back into town. We're not going to walk back down to the... I want to walk back to the sea

Starting point is 01:49:14 to get the choo-choo train back. That's what we're going to do, but part of this is public. Is it? And then we can go and sit down and I can... Doobie-dodo. You doodoe, don't you do be do well I just I disagree with your practices as I realized as you pretend to be sober mate this is a new leaf now we're ten years old this is a new Christian values poor Gannon it's a nude weed leaf yeah good not funny not funny you can be two of them, but not all three. I think the entrance is here.

Starting point is 01:49:47 Yeah, no it's not, because look he's going to tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, yeah it's not happening. No, but the entrance to the elephant tunnel is up there. Oh, it's up that way, okay. Yeah, we're not going to get to go and go through. I think that might be the elephant tunnel that we saw already. Yeah, I think that's it, innit? I think this might be something public here.

Starting point is 01:50:01 I don't know if there is, you know, mate, because all these gardens, like in London, they're all fenced off for the local residents who live nearby to go into. They're very much that style aren't they, of residents only, park within a square. And it's not a complaint, it's an observation, but it means we can't get them. It's shit. I mean it's shit, but it's understandable when you think about how this area was built and everything. Right well now we're just on a boring street.

Starting point is 01:50:29 Sorry. I want to go back to Seafront where we can have adventures. We don't think we'd be able to get into that one either. No, no, not at all. Okay. Let's just find a shaded place near the Seafront and build up there. Let's go round the top and then down the other side. Alright, up and down and over.

Starting point is 01:50:43 Alright. We are going to do that. I didn't though, did I? Go on, you say it, they'll sign off. See you in a bit. That man could be me. That's what I said. What a fucking great life.

Starting point is 01:51:00 Hello. Thank you. You're the Arctic employee. Shall we go in here? Yey, we're back on the train everyone. We don't need to record the whole of this this time. Just so you have people have a gist of it. We're facing forward, That's the big difference Yeah, we're about to depart from Black Rock station. I can't see any black rocks I wonder why it's called that Could be something we could look into at a later date

Starting point is 01:51:38 Was there a black rock then at one point. There used to be big rock poults around here. When I was a kid, there was none of these pebbles up this far. Rock poulting, you can't get your crabs, star fish. Oh right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just been humanized and pebbles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pebbles all the way. It is what it is, mate. It is what it is mate. So what do you want to do when we get back? Eat. Alright, what kind of eating? Whatever you want Paul, is Cheap Show going to spread for this meal? Yes, Cheap Show will spread to a payment for you. Cheap Show will pay for your gluttony.

Starting point is 01:52:22 I don't want to glutton, I've only had a sausage and egg, double sausage and egg Mc Ruffin today. That's not exactly gluttony. You've had that, you've had more. I've had that, and a bacon butty and porridge. It's been a full day. Anyway, I don't know Paul, what's acceptable to you? I don't mind. Let's see what inspires us when we get to the other end. Alright? Fine. Right, so this is just a quick one to say we're heading back the way we came now. That's it. Got nothing much more to say, add to this, other than we passed a bunch of boys and it was like walking through the Lynx factory. Oh yeah, there was a cloud of Lynx Africa.

Starting point is 01:52:56 Thick in the air it was. I smell the strange of Africa. See you in a bit everyone. It's quite a good gag that. I spilt the strains of links Africa. I'm getting the hip mate, alright, I'm getting the ins. I think he's got the arm out that one. That could be me. Yes. That could be me in the future. That was very informative about black rock. So we're rock fools. Anyway, off we go. See you in a bit. See, I said it. See you in a bit. You've got to stop it. Right, so we have gotten off the train. The Volkswagen.

Starting point is 01:53:42 You could call it the Volkswagen, couldn't you, that we were in? We were in the Valks Wagon. Very good. And we're standing currently outside Quadrophenia Alley. Now, people who know the film Quadrophenia and Brighton know that those two phrases shouldn't be unfamiliar to each other. However, I can't quite figure out why it's called Quadrophenia Alley. Look, but it's actually in Little East Street, which is a tiny street, isn't it? Isn't this Little Knoblet? That's such a tiny street. But are they saying is this the alleyway where something happens?

Starting point is 01:54:09 Because there's two scenes in an alley that people remember. One is the one where he gets mugged and the other one's where Leslie-Anne gets a right scene to. Right, it's one of those two. Perhaps they use the different ends of the same alley. Maybe. So what happened to Leslie as well? Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 01:54:22 You're a dirty boy. Anyway. Dirty boy. Anyway. Dirty boy. Is this what, being sober is I don't find jokes like that funny. I know, I'm too sober as well mate. I can't believe I can't laugh at a good old sex joke. It was a two-way thing.

Starting point is 01:54:34 With Leslie Ashby open both ends. Can you just be quiet for a second while I do a voice search. Well that's a vagal for a voice. Well I'm just going to do the voice. Oh go on, go on. What is quadrophenia, Ali? Here we go. I'm just going to do the voice. Go on, go on. Here we go. Right, here we go. What does it say?

Starting point is 01:54:51 Well, we're here. That's where we are. Well, it's a men's clothing shop in Brighton and Hove. But, okay, does that mean they've named the street? No, Wikipedia. God, I hate the way they give you the shop first. Don't use AI for your search engines. Turn that shit off.

Starting point is 01:55:04 Here we go. This is the Wikipedia. Quatrefinia Alley is located between number 10 and 11 East Street, Brighton. This is where we are, yeah. It says Little East Street here. Maybe this is East Street and that's Little East Street. I bet that's what it is, yeah. I'll ask the boss. Is that a good gag about Bruce Springsteen?

Starting point is 01:55:22 Oh, East Street, yeah, good, yeah. Is that good, though? I don't know. When you're so sober, it's hard to tell. Eli you know I'm thinking. You're getting a hankering. We're gonna start drinking and then we'll start thinking about how we're gonna get home. What time is it? Time has flown by. Yeah I don't think it's. Is it five yet or something? Yeah nearly five. Six seven eight is our train. Eight o'clock. We've got three hours mate. We need to eat man. Eight o'clock, so we've got three hours, mate. We need to eat, man.

Starting point is 01:55:46 What's the plan? Before we start drinking, because otherwise we're gonna be unwell. We are gonna be very poorly. Mate, this weather is doing shit to our hair, I'm telling you. Yeah, I've got a full buffon. You've gone full fat. Full buffon. You're so fuzzy, man.

Starting point is 01:55:56 Yeah. I've gone fuzzy as well. Yeah, you're all over the place. Okay, the alley. Yeah. Go on. What's the location for a scene in the 1979 film, Quadrofinio? The alley has become a shrine to the mod movement.

Starting point is 01:56:08 Oh, God. All right. People come from all over the world to find this alleyway. The cult film was set in Brighton in 1964, period of the mods and the rockers. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Diddley, diddley, do. Diddley, diddley, do. The riot, blah, blah, blah. Key scene in the film. What scene? It's not telling us what the actual scene is, that's the actual question we have.

Starting point is 01:56:28 Wait, during a key scene in the film people actually... Fuck's sake. The alley is often covered in... oh god. It doesn't fucking tell you. It's like, dear Google, here's a question. That's a terrible Wikipedia page, god. Well what, name, right, I tell you what, I'm going to type one in. You try and find out what scene it was.

Starting point is 01:56:48 I've got a different way. I'm going to do it this way. I'm going to do it slightly different. What's the alleyway scene in Quadrofinia? Two lovers escape to the police from the police and fall through a doorway into a yard. So that is where Lesley Anne gets a good scene to I think it is the place where Leslie Ash was given a good old jungle in yeah it's a slight little alley in it should we go down it nah so I don't like quadrophenia to film for balls right we need to get food mate is the plan. Foodie dude our day is what

Starting point is 01:57:28 we need to say and then we're gonna start drinking one two three one two three. We're not gonna get wrecked no but I do think we've had a day of sober fun and now it's time to loosen up because the journey home might involve us needing to be loose. Well we should look for somewhere that's reasonably nice to do a decent cocktail. Yes we will, I'm not going to wear the spoons. We're coming across all Poncy London now aren't we? Yeah you are actually. This must be Brightonstone.

Starting point is 01:57:56 Brightonstone. Which is part of the Brighton. Where the Brighton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird, I've never heard that. No I've never heard it. Just want to look at this alley and see if there's anything here. Are you going back around to the chicken cost?

Starting point is 01:58:07 Well, we might do that one. It seemed like it was not a bad option. There's the pavilion. Yeah, I don't want to do the pavilion. Because we could go to the lanes and find somewhere on the lanes. Do you want to do it? You know what? Eli and I were going back to the lanes.

Starting point is 01:58:21 Come on, mate. Let's do it. Wow, there are still places to do there We're still looking for food and I just hurt my belly because I walked into a pole. You certainly did and it was hilarious. You've revived my hope in sober comedy, mate. Yeah, because we're feeling like we need to drink now to get this to end. We're not making each other laugh anymore. The magic's gone out. If you look in this gachapon house, there's like a place where it's full of gachapons.

Starting point is 01:59:13 Shall we have a look in the gachapon house? It's an official Bandai official shop. Do you have any change on you though? I'm not the only people who make gachapons. Yes, I do. How much? These are going to be like... I don't know. No, they're tokens. Maybe that's all right then, because then you can just buy tokens and then we

Starting point is 01:59:26 can get some stuff okay unless there's anything see what should we do it well let's see what there is first you might not want it there's peanuts which is not the nut but the actual cartoon that's the camp enjoy camp yeah you's got Snoopy in his Park Rangers hat there. Pac-Man. Have they got Ghostbusters one? No, Ghostbusters mate. It's not big in that part of the world. It's not going to happen. Do you know the inside of Donut?

Starting point is 02:00:01 That is cute. These are like mystery, I don't know which one you're gonna get Well, I mean you have a rough idea, but no I get one of these station controllers any one of them Gun them there's robot things which I is bit of a book Mike and there's some Harry Potter stuff Kirby famous Nintendo character A lot of manga stuff. I want the one to it's like here's a hi-fi set. Yeah, a little more than something else or something Not quite into the Anime attack on titan stuff, but you don't know Here's one actually here's one Eli. Eli here's one you might be interested in might be interested in follow me

Starting point is 02:00:43 You might not actually but it's the only one that I've seen which comes close to what I'm looking for. Little miniature Nikon cameras. They're nice, aren't they? Do you like those? Forte Collet, well it's just, it's better than, I don't know, Winking Smiley Anime Bear. I don't know.

Starting point is 02:00:56 I like a Winking Smiling Anime Bear as much as the next man. I'm sure you do. And look, there's those tiles, Marjon. Oh, they're nice. Marjon, or what, this? Piano, trumpet, guitar, saxophone, creaturejong. Oh, they're nice. Mahjong. Or what, this piano, trumpet, guitar, saxophone, creature things. I like those as well more.

Starting point is 02:01:08 Yeah, that's all right. How much? Purchase your token from the machine. What do you want, though? I don't know. The only one I've seen so far that I've liked is the camera. Well, get one of those then, and I'll get that. Maybe I will.

Starting point is 02:01:20 I don't want the trumpet or the saxophone, they're too yellow. All right, well then let's see what else there is. Look at these guys. What? They're little sea life characters or something. Like a little dog. There's a whale and a jellyfish.

Starting point is 02:01:30 And that's a raccoon, a Japanese raccoon. And there's a whale and two jellyfish. What on earth is that? What are these mahjong tiles? I don't get it. They're just tiles. I'm guessing they're just tiles. I'd love to learn to play that. It's meant to be a really good game. I play it on the computer when you're just tiles. I'm guessing they're just tiles. I'd love to learn to play that. It's meant to be a really good game.

Starting point is 02:01:46 I play it on the computer when you're just clicking at it. That's not the same game. It is. It is. It's a really complicated game. Not complicated, but it's like a proper game. You want one of those? Well, if there was a Nintendo one, yeah.

Starting point is 02:02:02 Then I'd be interested. Bandai and Nintendo, they're too competitive with each other. No, they're not. There's a Pac-Man. That's Bandai, though, isn't it? No, there's no Mario ones, are there? But there's Kirby, and that's a Nintendo license. Is it?

Starting point is 02:02:19 That's why I'm saying it's not impossible. The Peanuts one's still good. Oh, yeah, do you want a Peanuts one? Maybe. Oh,, do you want a peanuts one? Maybe. Oh, what's this? You know what? Can I just talk to the mic for a bit? Because I need to complain about you. We've been wandering around trying to find somewhere to eat.

Starting point is 02:02:34 Paul's very indecisive about that. Now we've gone, when we're being indecisive about somewhere to eat, we've gone into a Gatchapon thing. And now he's being indecisive about what Gatchapon he wants. Don't forget I was in Scythe about the record shop we went into, which is also a distraction. What's this down here? What's that?

Starting point is 02:02:50 Dental chair. This might be the one I want now. Really? It comes with a dentist chair or part of it. It's either the chair or the mouthwash station or the thing. That is actually bloody cool. You know what I mean? It's like that or the camera.

Starting point is 02:03:02 Yeah, it's either that or the camera. Let's go buy some stuff. I wish... Do you have cash for tokens? I don't know. Find out. Yeah, it's either that or the camera. I wish... I don't know, find out. Find out. There's stationary. Most of them are two. Oh look, there are some other ones here.

Starting point is 02:03:23 There is an impossible thing. It's impossible to open Gachapon. Level one, two, three, and apparently... Can you open the Gachapon? The aim is to open the sphere. It's a puzzle, isn't it? Yeah. A little hand puzzle. And look, what's this one? Another impossible to open one. Puzzle within puzzles.

Starting point is 02:03:43 Those ones, the Dentist Chair of five tokens. Oh, of course, it's this one? Another impossible to open one. Puzzle within puzzles. Those ones, the dentist chair of five tokens. Oh, of course, it's more elaborate. And then whatever this is. Stationary? Oh, I like those. Uni-stationary. Oh, it's like a little stationery. Mint on card. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. A little mint stationery replica key ring.

Starting point is 02:04:01 Yeah, that's all right. Oh, I could stay in it forever. Let's see how much the tokens cost, because oh here we go. So it's £4 for two tokens, £6 for three tokens, £8 for four tokens, £10 for five tokens. I don't understand.

Starting point is 02:04:16 So I pay a tenner, you get five tokens, you get one egg. Yeah, but if you paid a tenner, we could both get two, we could both get two, we could both get two... Two tokens. We could both get a two token thing. True. We have to make sure whatever we get though is worth two tokens and not more,

Starting point is 02:04:31 otherwise it's pointless. Yes, but you want a five token thing. So I'm not going to spend... Are you going to downgrade? I just don't want to spend ten quid on a tiny useless dentist chair that I can't justify purchasing. They don't justify purchasing. They don't take cash.

Starting point is 02:04:47 So let's go get food. We're not... Let's get food. Now, let's do the food thing now. Let's get the food thing. Paul, it's turning into the you needing a wee thing. Four tokens. No, five, right?

Starting point is 02:04:59 No, one left right slot. What's the difference between the slots? Left slot. Food. you know, food. This was fun, but food. Yeah, it's food. Food time, food time, food time. We're going to get food. I'm driven, I'm focused. It's food time. Red light, red light. Red light. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Starting point is 02:05:24 You want a sort of slightly upmarket burger place, don't you? red light let's go let's go let's go burger place don't you? kind of yeah we'll find it. yeah that's closed. a sort of casual dining burger burger joint not a full fast food one. food food I need food. I need food. Here we go. The road of food. The road of food begin here. Are we going to go past the comedian? Maybe. Listen. We're coming back to you after we've been fed. Hello everyone. Just a little update. Eli and I have found a little burger place to eat in.

Starting point is 02:06:03 And put a pin in this army having to I'm ha I'm having Prosecco I couldn't get the words out I'm having Prosecco but anyway look ladies and gentlemen all you need to worry about right now is that your host and loving Savior Paul Gowin is now hitting the booze so things are gonna get spicy they certainly are well we hope because it's been flat since we got off the train I have been sharp of mind and straight edge all the day and I'm only doing this because Eli said the comedy is flagging this week and so Paul can

Starting point is 02:06:38 you sacrifice your morals and your standing to come down to my level and and start drinking and be more funny again. And I said, isn't it a shame that we have to resort to this because we don't have the wit to back it up. And I agreed with them. I'm about to make an observation that you might find witty. What? We were across from a shop called Vegetarian Shoes, animal friendly footwear.

Starting point is 02:07:00 How are they vegetarian? Do those shoes eat meat and cheese but not, you know what I mean? Right, well, we'll come back to you in a bit then after we've eaten, because I'm at... We call them vegan shoes, because they eat no animal products. No one eats anything. The shoes don't eat. I know, that's why it's a stupid... because vegetarian refers to a diet. It's a stupid name for a shop. What would you call shoes that were made without any meat or animal products? Vegan shoes.

Starting point is 02:07:29 Then there's no problem. It says, what does it say in the window? Vegan-friendly footwear. Yes, they should have gone with that. It's an issue of branding and not intention, isn't it? It's clearly an issue of branding. But don't say branding around vegan shoes because that's exactly what those cows won't be done. That's better. That's a funnier thing. They won't be branded, will they? No they won't be. Because that's cruel. No they will, you're right.

Starting point is 02:07:48 Hello, I'm Dean. That's the one, thank you. Right, we are one meal down. Successful meal. Lovely burger. Mate, we've got to come to this chilli shop next time when it's open. God! Yeah, they've relocated, it's the same shop as next, because is, but they've moved. They've got all the pounded stuff. And I've had Prosecco and Eli's had another thing and then we're gonna get off. Look, there's a Ghostbuster chilli.

Starting point is 02:08:10 Oh my God! Ghosted. I ain't afraid of no ghost pepper. We have to come back down here. We could just put a brick through the window and grab what we can and go. No, don't. This is what I'm interested in. Do you remember we tried that one? Habanero and Ghost. These are the El Yakateca. El Yakateco. But Masquera Black. What you remember we tried that one? Habanero and Ghost. These are the El Yakateca. El Yakateca. But Masquera Black.

Starting point is 02:08:27 What the fuck? What is that? I don't... And look, Habanero and Coffee. We tried a coffee one though. Do you remember they sent us one? Did they? Yeah, it's a thing.

Starting point is 02:08:36 We've got another box by the way with some hot sauce in. That's been made for us. Spoilers alert, we'll do that next week. That's a classic. Tapatio. I want that Ghost Busted one now. What's it called? Ghosted. It's got classic Tapatio I want that ghost busted one now. Just called ghosted There's like a Simpsons one. It's cool. These are cool brand this they've got already. There's that like it looks like a Rick and Morty one. Maybe Rick and Morty. This is such a great shop

Starting point is 02:09:00 some bowel Hot ones, you know, they've got their own range How depressing is that though? No, but those are apparently really good sauces. The last dab experience. Over 91% pepper X. Yeah, that's the... Hot sauce by The Heatinist.

Starting point is 02:09:15 We've got to get... I'll do that. What's this one? Colon Cleanser. Cleaner. Elixir of Capacean Extremus. But you know I'm interested in these ones, the Hot Ones branded ones, because they work with Ed Curry, who's the inventor of... That's an ironic, innit? Yeah. He's the inventor of Pepper X. He's this chilli breeder. You've seen him, you must have seen him in videos. You've shown me something in the past about him, yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:40 He works with them on the Hot Ones, so you know those are good. You know those are good. But are these going to be hot, or do they only have any flavour? No, he's all about the flavour. He's not just like... Well, he fucking better be, or he's got to get a letter from Cheap Show telling him to step the fuck down. Ed Curry is the kind of guy... Mark Curry. From Blue Peter, Mark Curry.

Starting point is 02:09:57 Ed Curry, the inventor of Pepper X. It seems like the kind of fun-loving guy who would actually be a guest on our podcast. Well, if you're listening, which you're not, give us free hot sauce you cunt. Oh, that's a shame. Right, let's go find... I haven't got any money. Oh look, look at all these bongs.

Starting point is 02:10:14 There's a Slimer bong. A Slimer bong and a Baby Yoda bong. And a Death Trooper bong. Do you like this little box made for rolling? Rolling King. Is that unnecessary? No, you don't need any of that. No, you don't need it. Look at this one. made for rolling? Rolling King. Is that unnecessary? No, you don't need any of that shit. I don't need it. What are they called? Three-Eyed Blinky Bong.

Starting point is 02:10:32 From Toy Story. Oh yeah, the aliens from Toy Story. They're the aliens in the crane game. Yeah. Call back to when we looked at a crane game. Yeah, look at that massive grinder. Look at the size of that big boy grinder. That's when you want to...

Starting point is 02:10:43 Take a picture please, because I've got my phone in me pocket and there's a baby pictures of those hot sauces no I'll do that then I'll tell you what let's do that I'll do that and you do that see this is what multitasking is if you're a great man like me let's just do these here we go perfect we're the multi-men we do the multitask stuff. You know what? You might be able to get that hot sauce sent to us or whatever, you know. We could email them. Not email, buy it online, right? Yeah, let's do it. Anything's our oyster. Anything's our oyster. What about real oysters? No, we can't eat those. Oysters, ironically, are the only thing that are not my oyster. it the world's my oyster except oysters yeah and other shellfish

Starting point is 02:11:28 right so now we're going to a record shop because someone pointed out to us a Teddy Smith jacket of this Harrington no I don't know I don't like it that mustard yellowy kind of thing I don't like it if it was kind of a blue or black I like a blue or black although I like that school If it was kind of a blue or a black. I like a blue or a black. Although I like that Skulls shirt. It's like a Day of the Dead Mexican skull. Yeah, Dilma Muentes. It's all mod gear, isn't it? Now, that's a nice Harrington, don't you think?

Starting point is 02:11:53 With the black zip and the light blue. Maybe not in that colour. I don't know. You just said you'd like a blue one. Also, I'm not a huge fan of the mod-y look, and that's very mod-like or mod-adjacent. Yeah, look, there's the mod father. Yeah, mod off. That's all mod all over the place.

Starting point is 02:12:06 Son of a... son of a bitch, mod man. You know... Where's the... where are we going? Itopi, is this the way the record shop is? From the video, Fats and Small, was it? Yeah, Turn Around. Turn Around. I don't wanna see your heart breaking.

Starting point is 02:12:21 No, it's not that. Just walk away. I don't wanna see you me crying.'s not just walk away and I want to see you crying just walk away that you're leaving hardcore I like that on the Melty yeah you should take a picture that otherwise when people listen to this and then choose to look at our website the cheap shot at code at UK UK they won't know what you're talking about what's this one arrow aro schnorm things went in my mouth loads of things were in my mouth that I wasn't paying attention you're the map man you're the map man. You're the man who maps. One minute display poll. Yes, yes, that way.

Starting point is 02:13:09 I think the van's laid us up a dark alley. Literally and figuratively. What did she say? I can't remember. 34 Gardner Street. Let's just find Gardner Street. 24 Gardner Street? Hang on, hang on, hang on. She gives us the number. Just calm down. 34. 34.

Starting point is 02:13:26 You couldn't like this whenever you start drinking. You fucking cunt. You want to hasten yourself to the end of your life. I'll fucking bash you. When fun is over. All fun is over and there's no existing with your fist. Where my fist, stop bashing. I'll stop lashing out at society.

Starting point is 02:13:40 It's all windy now. And I have a... A what? I caught that. Caught the tail end. Caught nothing. I caught the tail end of your rat. You caught nothing. I caught the tail end of your rat.

Starting point is 02:13:51 That's what I caught. 24 Gardner Street. That's what I said, 34. 34 Gardner Street. Why doesn't your phone remember stuff? There you go, Brian and Hove. Just tap it. It's a very windy day.

Starting point is 02:14:03 Is that how you work a phone? You tap on it? Is that what it is Paul? For fuck's sake. You're getting like this now. You're getting like this and telling me, explaining me things I could do. Where's Garden Street? You said you knew where it was. No, you were getting insufferable my friend. Suffering? Suffering? Fuck it there. I'm getting insufferable. Right there. you want to look at the map? So, which way? Who are us?

Starting point is 02:14:28 We're the little fox head. Oh yeah, Eli's made us the little fox head. So, it's the opposite way we came. We were literally on the street we were on. Literally the shop, literally opposite where we were. I think it's that new shoe shop that we could see. La Chou, remember La Chou? 24.

Starting point is 02:14:44 Wasn't that the vegetarian place? The vegetarian shoe shop you didn't like? Oh this is the back of Comedia. Oh is it? Yeah so you must have gone under it. It's Comedia right next door to the Girmagormonkbar guy. Yeah it is. The good times roll, Comedia underscore Brighton. Oh look, here this is what we're talking about. Instagrammable. Will we be Instagramming this? Oh yeah, I'm not doing it. I won't be promoting the Comedia brand. I've got a headache. You know what it is? What? Caffeine. I haven't had enough caffeine.

Starting point is 02:15:12 I'm getting a caffeine headache. They're the worst. I need to drink some caffeine. Let's get you a coffee martini then. How about that? Espresso martini. I hate them. I'll have an agroni. Are you sure there's £5 agronis? That's way back that back that way in it. You don't want to do that. I mean we could but it was in a fish shop Oh, I think it's stunk of fish in there. Did it? Yeah, it did. That's one of the reasons why I was like, yeah I don't know if I walked into the bollards. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was trying to see if there's a sign saying fish or something

Starting point is 02:15:41 Yeah, like as if to say this is a fish shop Or whether it's just a normal restaurant. You were so distracted that I walked. It was not a bollard saying fish or something you know like as if to say this is a fish shop or whether it's just a normal restaurant. And you were so distracted that I walked... It was not a bollard it was what do you think called that it's a post to hold up an awning or a banner. Yeah and I went cock strides into it. Cock strides? Cock strides into it. That's the kind of old cap I want. Oh well. I love those. It was nice food though, we went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen, it was good. It was good, it was nice. And we were... Oh look at this, there's all sorts in there. So where are we going now? See that's Upper Gardner Street. So all we've done Eli really is walk around the block for no fucking reason. Well, get some exercise in your lungs.

Starting point is 02:16:22 After a big meal? That's what you need, get it go down, get it digested. Where's this record shop, because then we need to find the long egg. There it is. Which one? I recognise from the photo, the street map. Starfish. The Cornish pasty shop. Oh, so it's not a record shop no more then? No, didn't you look at the post? No I didn't look at the post. Well here we are, take a photo. Of what? You outside the Cornish Pasty Shop? Yes, but in there. Alright, alright, we'll do it.

Starting point is 02:16:47 Hang on, bear with us a vent. No taxi driver, you take all the time in the fucking world. Here we go. I swear to God that taxi driver slowed down when he saw me as I tried to take a picture. Like he was wanting to stop. But look, jokes on him, he's behind the truck now and he's going nowhere. He's going nowhere. What are you looking at? Put your face, I can get your face in there, yes, in there.

Starting point is 02:17:12 You have to tell me because the reflection is different from my point of view. For those listening at home, Eli's trying to bounce... Stay there, keep your face still. Eli's trying to bounce my face off the reflection of a window so he can put me in a... one of those put-your-face picture of a fat lady cooking or something pictures look at this have a little look oh it's kind of scary

Starting point is 02:17:34 like a ghost oh starfish stop saying starfish chocolate starfish that's what I wanted to say out loud. You know what that sounds like? What? What does it sound like? A new metal band album title.

Starting point is 02:17:52 Twang that band, baby. It's to a Lego store in Brighton. Oh my God. Where's that then? Oh, Gax shut down. Yeah, that happened a little while ago. Everyone was really fucked off. Did it get you here?

Starting point is 02:18:01 Yeah, because there was uproar on social media about how it was like, I bought my first guitar here all these years ago and now I'm in Supergrass, that kind of thing, you know. Do you know what it's time for now? Oh, that's a great orange rose. That's a nice aloe shot. It's a great aloe. Shut out.

Starting point is 02:18:17 Do you want me in the shot, working away, or would you like it with just the seagulls? I'll just get one with just the seagulls. I think you're right to. Dorset Free House we're outside of now. Now I'm going to look for egg. Look for long eggs. Long eggs over on the other side of the road, so we have to go literally up to the main road and over.

Starting point is 02:18:32 Just look at the route. Oh, I'm bored of this. What? Patience. He's such a dick. It's still only one minute away. One minute. It's not, it's there, it's on the road we were on.

Starting point is 02:18:44 Look, it's just there, we were just there. I'm getting sick of this. We were right by the egg, Paul, and you're a dick. It's not on the other side of anything, it's here. Yeah, but you're the one who keeps leading us. Oh, there it is. There's God in the house. Long egg, it's on the wall.

Starting point is 02:18:58 Long egg. Ladies and gentlemen, I can see long egg. Oh, there's long live, long live. Long live, long leg. Long legs. You, there's Long Live, Long Egg. Long Live, Long Leg. Long Legs. You can see they've gone over it over the years. Stand next to it and model it, you prick. Here we go.

Starting point is 02:19:11 Long Live, Eli, Long Legs. Like that. Nice. Oh, that's a great shot. Yeah, I like that. Sexy. Long Egg. All right, well that's that then.

Starting point is 02:19:19 Now what do we do with the rest of our time? Long Egg, Long Egg, Long Egg, Long Egg. It's like that horror film, isn't it? Long Eggs. Can I get one with you, mate? Here I am posing by long legs. Long egg! Yeah, baby!

Starting point is 02:19:35 Long legs. It's funny because someone's gone over it. It really is respected. Look, there's the original. Yeah. It's been preserved. Long live long egg. See, but it used to be just... Long leg.

Starting point is 02:19:48 Long egg. Long leg. See what I'm getting at? Yeah. And now it's long live long leg. Long live long egg. Who's done that? They've changed long egg.

Starting point is 02:19:56 I know, the custodian of the long leg exercise. You can't say long egg, can you? Long egg. Say it more egg more. Long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, long egg, oh, a long egg is when I shit in my talking pants. Are you feeling some pressure? No, you know what, I went for an absolutely textbook dump this morning.

Starting point is 02:20:13 It was like it curled up like one of those cartoon ones you see on the telly. Like one of those funnily enough, it looked like that. I'm going to have to take a photo of that now aren't I? It's house waffles, £5.99. I got a marshmallow delight. I want you pointing, pointing at it. It was more like the Oreo water for being blunt. This is a good photo of you demonstrating what it looks like.

Starting point is 02:20:32 Pointing what my poo looked like. So what do we do now then, now that we've found Long Leg? Long Egg? God, there's loads of mod shops out here. Right, in that case, my next thing is... You like this? Sort of so far, I like that heavy... No, you know what? The mod look does not work for me.

Starting point is 02:20:46 What about these nice loafers? I think that's a beautiful shoe. No. I am frustrated. Nineties, Vans, skateboarder kid. I guess. That's my aesthetic. That's the wish I could have pulled off. Look at me. Look at what I've got. I don't know about those shorts, Paul.

Starting point is 02:21:01 I'm not a huge fan of these shorts, but they were on sale when I bought them and I needed shorts at the time. Maybe get some different shorts. Oh, sorry, no, I just not a huge fan of these shorts but they were on sale when I bought them and I needed shorts at the time. Oh sorry no I just buy a bunch of fucking schoolboy shorts like you got. These are golf shorts my friend. Yeah exactly that's the point it makes you look like a little, makes you look like a cub scout. Look all I said was a very mild criticism of your frankly catastrophically unfashionable shorts. Everyone says it I'm sorry but you're on them again. I'm not having fashion tips for a man who looks like someone sh...

Starting point is 02:21:29 snotted out a fucking hobbit's nose. Someone snotted out a hobbit's nose. Very constructive, Paul. Now we're going past the comedian again. I'm getting tired of this place. Would you shut up? Change your shorts. Change your heart or die? How about that? Do you mean change my heart? Was that a comedian? That was a comedian.

Starting point is 02:21:47 Who was? The small bearded man coming out. Was it? Should we chase them? I'm sure it was an act. I'm sure. Fuck him. Right. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. Boys and girls, the Spice Shop.

Starting point is 02:21:59 We're back by the Spice Shop again. This whole segment's been us walking around the block twice. This has been great. That's right. I'm going to stop this because my next port of call is my fingers. Anyone who agrees about the shorts as well. I don't give a shit. I like to say I'm not being nasty about it.

Starting point is 02:22:14 I'm just being helpful. Yeah, well, you still look like a fucking... I look fine. You look like the coach of a boys football team in 1980. That's what you look like. You look like the guy on the golf course the police have to remove. That's what you look like. You look like someone who was not good enough to be in the second series of Alvidus Saint-Pete.

Starting point is 02:22:41 That's your luck today. I'm going to stop this recording now because my next thing is a booze, booze-dar, radar booze. And I'm going to be doing that now. Booze-dar. Well, looky what we've got here. We've got ourselves a rootin' tootin' cocktail bar right about here now. We're on shuffle, shuffle and ju and Jukebox. It just seems to be called Shuffle. It's just called the Shuffle Bar. But... It's a lovely place. Paul decided he wanted a bramble which is a gin and berry... What is it? It's gin, blackberry and raspberry basically. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:23:19 And I wanted... The raspberry liqueur. And I wanted an amaretto sour. Aye. But then when we got to the bar, when I got to the bar to order the drinks, he said I'm going to make you two of each because it's one, it's two for one but they have only the same ones. So basically what he's saying is if you wanted to buy an amaretto sour and a bramble, you might as well get an extra one of each.

Starting point is 02:23:45 Two Brambles, two Sours. It's gonna fucking cost the same amount of money, man. So guess what we did? And now we're on lemon drops. Four bucks a lemon drop. Because I wanna have fun. It's our birthday year. And, er...

Starting point is 02:23:59 Do you know what? This is gonna be an absolute nightmare for you to edit this podcast. Everything's noisy as hell. There's too much wind. There's wind, there was the sea, there was the ghost train, there was, you know what I mean? I have no idea how the ghost train's going to sound other than... ..noise kerfuffle. Don't you think it's going to be a bit noisy in here as well?

Starting point is 02:24:18 No, it's all right. So why the hell wasn't that in school? It's all right, mate. I've drunk three cocktails too fast, man. You know what I did? I would argue you've not drunk three cocktails fast enough. LAUGHTER The thing is, when a drink is sweet, I'll pound it.

Starting point is 02:24:36 I know, you can barely taste the booze in this lemon dropper at all, can you? It's terrible behaviour, innit? Terrible behaviour for podcasters. Look, as far as I'm concerned, between episodes 440 and 450, Cheap Show's on holiday, and we're doing what we want when we want, how we want, what we want. And that's all that matters. Eli, what's wrong with you? You got a problem.

Starting point is 02:25:01 No, no problem. Are you having a problem spitty-spitty? No, I'm not spitty. Shall I lick my lips? No, no salt. But lots of sugar. Lots of sugar. I can still taste the salt through the sugar. I can't taste the salt in my lips.

Starting point is 02:25:12 That's because you're not a super taster. Anyway I'm feeling horny. I'm gonna make love to someone scrawny. Are you? If they're tall or if they're bony, they can be Alan or they can be Tony. Wow, that's good. And I'll take you home to my bed.

Starting point is 02:25:33 Sit down, lie down, get down, and then you make some bread. Shoot on my chest. Shoot on my chest. Shoot on my chest. Was that an original song? It's original Paul Gannon piece, that. It's a poor original Gannon piece. What's it called? Shit on my chest?

Starting point is 02:25:50 Well, no. It's like make bread, parentheses, shit on my chest! Oh dear. I'd buy that. I'd buy that. Give it a fat dub remix. Job dub. Anyway, look, long story short, you don't need to know what we're doing.

Starting point is 02:26:05 We're just filling you in that we're having fun. Shuffle bar, we would recommend. The drinks... It's St George... That must be St George's, right? Let me have a little check. St Peter's Place, it's on the corner of St Peter's Place. Tell them Cheap Joe sent you,

Starting point is 02:26:24 because they gave us some hot thrifting back info, which we will not say here. We're not gonna say it here, but yeah, a little conversation about thrifting, because I mentioned what we do on the pod, and he was very, he gave me what his holy grail town in Sussex with thrifting is. And we're gonna take that to our grave,

Starting point is 02:26:41 or when we tell you, or when we record the episode there later. I think by thriftingifting he meant clothes shopping. He knows nothing. But... That's like saying I like comedy but only go to see stand-up. But if you imagine... you'd imagine that somewhere that's good for clothes thrifting is going to be good for other kind of thrifting as well.

Starting point is 02:26:59 The kind of thrifting we like. I tell you what's funny, on a tangent, there's those three... well, I think there was three, but there's two there now. Two girls at the bar. This one in between, you just can't see it from this angle. OK, either way, they have been flirting top, top, top best with the guy at the far end, because he's the sexiest, if you ask me.

Starting point is 02:27:15 The one with the long hair, the gentleman of colour. If you want me to say that out loud to justify... No, I didn't want you to say that. It's fine. That's the chap I was having a chat with about thrifting. But like, they're all teetering and tell us your tips and... And you think, oh, God bless you. God bless you. That's how it should be.

Starting point is 02:27:38 Teasing and flirting with the barman in an establishment like this. Should I stop? What should I stop talking honestly Tom Tom? Yeah, should I stop? Yeah man. What should I stop talking about? Anything at all. Well anyway after this we're going to smoke a Bing Bang booty and then we're going to get on the train and go home. I have been straight edge all day long and I'm still straight edge now because I've asked

Starting point is 02:27:59 for, guess what, twist in the tale, non-alcoholic drinks. Are they? They've all been non-alcoholic drinks the whole night. They have not. All of them have been non-alcoholic drinks. They've all been non-alcoholic drinks the whole night. All of them have been non-alcoholic drinks. They have not, my friend. I asked them. I ran in and said, my mate's coming in. No, you didn't. I was there the whole time whilst he made them.

Starting point is 02:28:15 In that case, I am pissed. Here's to that. This lemon drop's actually really delicious. Ching ching. Right, we'll see you a bit later. I did it again! I can't stop it! It's like a muscle memory thing. Eli's panicking that we're going to be late for the train.

Starting point is 02:28:37 The station's right fucking here. I just went up the wrong road by accident. And he's getting all arsey about it. See here we are, look here we are, we're fine see. What's all this? It's the back of the station and there's all the houses down here. And there's a party or something going on. There's a party or something going on. Maybe it's a wedding or something. No, is it? It's just a normal night. Anyway we're heading to the station now.

Starting point is 02:29:05 I feel like my whole belly and thorax is one big solid stout cube of Smashburger and Booze. Smashburger and Booze coming to you on TV next year. Under the Bridge Music Studio. See, that's good, innit? You never know, the next big band The music coming from that you've heard of. I love this. I love the old stuff. The next big band could be making it's biggest album right now in there. Excuse me everyone I'm sorry. He's grouchy. That is a grouch. He's a grouchy man.

Starting point is 02:29:38 So we went to Shuffle's lovely place. What did we have drink? I'm known he in love with them. There's their body in here. He had lovely air. Didn't he have lovely? And then we sat by a church and in front of God's fucking face we smoked drugs So we had a cigarette. I've had a turn around. I've had a danger to this episode. I've added risk. I've added excitement and what have you added? I love this runes. Look at that old pipe in the building. Take some pictures. Take some though, the ironwork embedded in the brick. Yeah. I love it. Take some pictures. You haven't got time. We have got time. I've trained in about 10 minutes.

Starting point is 02:30:29 It's not. It's too close for comforts, my friend. Shut up, take a quick picture. Stop being a fanny bash. Come on. Eli the fanny basher can't take a picture in under 30 seconds. Well, if we miss the train, it's all because of you now, because of this fucking picture.

Starting point is 02:30:45 Buy more tickets. Oh will I? I'll just buy more tickets. Do you hear that Patreon supporters, patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, he's just saying, yeah I'll just buy another one. Well you're a monster. You got them cheap anyway, didn't you on Uber?

Starting point is 02:30:58 I've gigged there, Prince Albert. We did a show for the Brighton Fringe there once. And we all did, did we do a... I know, it was well before I met you. It was when I was working with a guy called Jem. I feel like we did a... ...Rogue's Handbook or something there as well. I really do.

Starting point is 02:31:14 I don't think we did. It's just here on the right hand side. No, I don't really ever really find the need to want to. Oh my god, my belly all of jumble. It's a jumble and a womble. See look there's nothing to see just shutters. Yeah it's shut now. Shut then as well. I'm crossing over and Eli's right. Electric cars are silent

Starting point is 02:31:36 killers. I was walking on the road and all of a sudden there's a car and I didn't hear it coming. So what does heno? Oh baby cakes. I'm talking to the audience who are very interested in my astute observations. As a man, he's on the other side of the road. What does Eno? What does Eli know? Hey, what does Eli know about the art of talk? What do you know about the art of talk? I know a good sight more than you, my friend. Say a word, Ben. Prove to me you're good at talking. Say a word.

Starting point is 02:32:14 Raspberry. Ah, fuck. He's got me there. Oh, Nose Dive Assembly. Sounds like a circus. Physical theatre, I think they call it now. Yeah, cabaret theatre. Fanging around, get a real job. Circus.

Starting point is 02:32:32 Is that a shop there? Yeah, the record album is still there. Is it? What where? What am I looking at? He specialises in film music and his really old school, fusty sort of stuff. Fusty record shop. Cool inside. Cool. Right, we're at Brighton station now Where we're gonna get in our train

Starting point is 02:32:49 We'll give you a report. We'll see how we go. Just look at the time cut on this episode another hour left I can't believe it. They're horrific. They are horrific because a it's mock food For muckers and the advert doesn't make it any more fucking appealing. It just makes it kind of scary. Right, we're going to Bedford via London Bridge. Are we? No. Yeah. Wait, hang on. No, 20 past.

Starting point is 02:33:18 No, I lied. I lied so we could get here earlier. That's it, 26 or 28 past. All right, it's that one then. So... Or via East. Hang on. Oh hang on here we go. I'm opening the app. Tickets today. Brighton to East Croydon. So which one's going to East Croydon? 2028. Is that going to East Croydon?

Starting point is 02:33:45 Where does it say that? Bedford via London Bridge. Hang on. Is it 2028? Er, hang on. Doesn't matter. I've picked the wrong one. Oh for fuck's sake, man.

Starting point is 02:33:53 Yes, 2028. Bedford via London Bridge. 2028. So that's what we're doing, 2028. Right, so we've got time, haven't we? Eli, you've caught the sun. You've got all red-faced. I think I might get heat-stroked, man.

Starting point is 02:34:01 Like Breezed Piggy. 2028, so that's what we're doing, 2028. Right, so we've got time, haven't we? Eli, you've caught the sun, you've got all red-faced. I think I might get heat stroke, man. Like Breeze Piggy. You look a bit red as well. I look a bit red, my hands, look at my hands. I can't believe I have to buy a Red Bull from WH Smith. How much do you think it's gonna be, 7 pound 50?

Starting point is 02:34:19 7 pound 50, I figured 7 pound 50. No, let's call it by its new name, everyone, G.W. Jones. Yeah, G.W. Jones, Yeah, G.W. Jones. STW Jones. Right, bye, everyone. See you later. See you in a bit. We'll be back in a bit, everyone. Bye-bye. Oh, he's only got a lovely pair of legs. Even though he waddles. What a lovely pair of legs. I'm not talking about you.

Starting point is 02:34:40 Arrogance. Honestly, Paul, I wasn't trying to be a bitch about your shorts, but you need to change those up. It gonna die with me that feeling the feeling of like uttered betrayal by you apparently my best friend go get your red bull caffeine man there's a man on piano now name the tune I like it when you go fishing with me on a Sunday afternoon yeah well I'll sing along oh I'm gonna make sweet love to you Oh girl baby have I got time to go wee bye bye no generally we'll see in a bit. Right, it is time to change. Do you want to unplug that for a minute while I can put it back in my bag? Right, we have been on the train for about an hour, maybe a little less.

Starting point is 02:36:01 And we're getting off at East Croydon now as we've been told. Eli was humming and aahing about whether he was going to be a little rebel and stay on till like Farringdon and that's his decision but I'm going to stay rule forward. So we're coming into East Croydon now where we need to get a train. Oh it makes no fucking odds anyway, look it's packed in there. So here we are, East Croydon. Then we need to get a train now to Victoria from here. Right, we're off. Right, I need to find me tickets.

Starting point is 02:36:40 I bet it's this one right here, in fact. Here we go. It's probably this one, innit? East Croydon to London, Victoria. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's the one way. I don't want one way I want what East Croydon to Victoria that's what I want mate

Starting point is 02:37:18 what's that say right into right into London East Croydon, blah, blah, blah. 21.45. 21.28. Yeah, this is the right one. This is the right one. I figured it out. I'm a good boy. Yeah. So, he and I are on the platform now. The train's gone away and we're on the last leg of our own. Now, do you wish you'd stayed on? I bet you did, didn't didn't you but you wanted to stay on and stay on until you went to?

Starting point is 02:37:48 Farreys, I'm sick of hearing you Basically do you wanted this to be over? we can end this episode right now and The whole show oh my god. He's so even this is a trope What is you go? Come on do something then, add some energy. I'm a very drunk man right now. And wit is gone.

Starting point is 02:38:12 Drunk sunburned man? Drunk sunburned man. First of all, rant one, fucking woman and her family at the ticket for the Brighton Pier rides. She was there for like 10 minutes asking my new questions about every single possible fucking thing. No, what rides are open? Which ones are these?

Starting point is 02:38:32 Can you name me all of them? How much should I put in the card? One card, two card? It's like it's a mid-squared space, the whole place. It was like, just have a fucking look around, put someone in a car and fuck off at my site. And then there was also, oh, hang on, it's over there, we gotta run.

Starting point is 02:38:45 Oh shit, man. Didn't pull in all the way. Here we go. Here we are on the next leg of our train journey to Victoria on train part two. This is a better train, innit? The vibe's better on this. We've got a table. And er, okay, here we go, let's wrap this up. So this was our office day out, wasn't it? Two. And it was a success in every way. Apart from you putting an unfratting photo of me on socials and everyone saying I look

Starting point is 02:39:24 pissed. No, Dunin. That's a subtle difference, you look Dunin. I am Dunin. And to be fair, we both look like pissed lobsters right now. We do, we do. We love you, we're only joking when I say I hate his guts and can't stand the sound of his voice anymore and... You know where this is going, right?

Starting point is 02:39:46 No, I was only joking. I'm not joking, this is a wholeheartedly felt appeal for... Oh, Paul. He can't do words and stuff now. Now here's the question, mate. How do we end this? Do we end this now or do we end it when we go our separate ways of Victoria? I was saying I was wrapping it up.

Starting point is 02:40:09 I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do one last bit when we get to Victoria and wrap it up. Also second thing, the woman who came into the Volks Electric Railway and began to, I mean, I'm not saying this is correlation, this is causation, but they were both blonde. Women, small, saying this is correlation, this is causation, but they were both blonde. Women, small, shouty, like to point a lot. It's the pointing that got me most. But like we're waiting there, the train's literally about to go any minute and she won't stop asking that guy questions. Is it this, is it that, how far does it go, can I get back?

Starting point is 02:40:39 And yet she's standing in front of a big sign with all of those answers in front of her. It's like how much, there you go, where's it go with there's the map there Meanwhile, I'm thinking if we could buy our tickets now we can get on that and not have to wait other for any fucking Anyway, they're both dead now That's the most important thing very that's that's the but that to be fair out of the whole day That's the only annoying thing that really really happened. No, no fun No one broke win next week. We didn't see any nunss I tell you what on the train back there instead of the nuns. We had a man in terrible clothes I don't even noticed he had the terrible shorts on yeah

Starting point is 02:41:12 He was eating in a very odorous samosa. Yeah, it was like feeling my no just smell rich and beefy and oniony It was an incredibly pongy samosa right in my nozzles. Yeah, I didn't need it. Anyway, we're on the second tray. Yeah, we've gone off one, we're on the other now. This is nice. It's a nicer tray. Yeah, so... Better air conditioned, it's a table, it's cleaner. Aye.

Starting point is 02:41:42 Everything's better. Has this got power? It's got power as well, yeah. That's good, so we've got everything we need. I wonder what charge I'm on. You're on more than me, but that way since you've been sucking my power for about 40 minutes. Well, I've been sucking the power bandage. Sucking, yeah, power vampire. Power bank vampire. 42.

Starting point is 02:41:51 See, that's more than me. I think I'm on like 18 right now. I've got really bad... Pull it away from me. Pull it further. No, that's too far. Now it's got no numbers on. Up there.

Starting point is 02:41:59 Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's more than me. I think I'm on, like, 18 right now. Pull it away from me. Pull it further. No, that's too far. Now it's got no numbers on. Up there.

Starting point is 02:42:10 I can't read nothing. 42. I think it says 42. I recognise 42. It must be higher than 30. Therefore... It's 42. Quid pro quo, 42. HE SIGHS I think this...we should end. Yeah. I think this we should end. I think we'll do one last wrap up when we get to Victoria to say goodbye proper.

Starting point is 02:42:34 But for now all you need to know is your heroes are safe and sound on another man's sump. I ache all over and every time I take my bag off it burns at my skin as it drapes, you know, as it slides off. It burns at my skin as it drapes. As it slides off my skin. Yeah, you kind of got there with the meaning of that. Kind of. I've had three cocktails and a drink and a Prosecco and lovely burger. Gannon's fed well, Gannon's drunk well.

Starting point is 02:42:59 It was nice. And I've had a lovely day. I'll honestly, I love this. Honestly, I think this is whether anyone finds it funny or not, I don't care. This was a better day out than the last Brighton Adventure. We did more things. Yes, for sure. I liked the railway. It's basically a train themed episode.

Starting point is 02:43:16 We came in on a train, we got on a train, we went on a ghost train, we did all the trains. So, you know, good stuff. Lost the will. I'm sorry, listen, you know... Good stuff. I've lost the will. I'm sorry, listen, you deserve better than this. Well, they do, Colin. Right, for the sign-up... Do you want to say anything about the shorts? Do you want to say anything about them?

Starting point is 02:43:35 Can please listen? Yeah, you dress like a disgraced PE teacher. That's what you look like. Keep trying these things. None of them are landing. The only time it landed is when you said ago. They look like all the members of our Feeders and pet yeah, you do that's a good point. That's a good one. Yeah, I see but that's that's not what you said no No Just change the shorts raised. I'm not gonna change my shot. I like these shorts. I

Starting point is 02:44:00 Actually do like them. I hope they personality, which is awkward and weird. So it's fine. I've never been so insulted in all my life. Next stop's Clapham Junction. Has Leah said anything about those shorts? Yeah. What did she say? Take them off. She did, didn't she? She doesn't like them, does she? No-one likes them.

Starting point is 02:44:23 My pussy, though. So, does she? No one likes them. I'll puss you out. So, you know, Gannon wins. Oh, no. Gannon wins. Gannon always wins. Please don't... Good guess. That's what it sounds like when you're getting pleasure from me. You get so insecure about your shorts being crap that you have to reiterate...

Starting point is 02:44:44 I actually don't care. I am in a loving relationship, aren't I? And it must burn at you that. It doesn't. It really doesn't. I didn't want to insult you further but it kind of turned my stomach when you said that. Yes! You know when you just kind of go... ..slip it in, like that? Good. That's what I wanted. I want Eli repulsed at all times. Right. Genuinely nothing to say. See you in a bit.

Starting point is 02:45:17 LAUGHTER God, believe it. What must you look like staring out of that window as we're coming into the platform? Scaring people. You look scarier. You look like the last haunted dog in the pet shop. Check yourself before you say things like that.

Starting point is 02:45:41 Before I wreck myself. Yeah, well, I'm not gonna. You've wrecked yourself. What is the last haunted...? There's no such thing as the last haunted dog in the toy shop. There is. You're it. Fine. Woof, woof, woo.

Starting point is 02:45:56 HE LAUGHS Haunted isn't, like, sad. Oh. Happy? There's plenty of seats here. Oh, God bless Americans in the joy of public transport in the UK. They're not used to it over there, are they? Was he excited to be getting on the train?

Starting point is 02:46:15 Yeah, he was like, come on, let's go. I was like, God bless him. Oh, hang on, I've got to get my phone out of my bag for the ticket. Fucking hell. So here we are, we've arrived in Victoria finally. And I'm out. This is it. Back where we started, a Victoria station where our day out began. Eli's having a bit of a problem getting through.

Starting point is 02:46:41 Is he? How's that going? And he's through. No problems there. Well, what a lovely day out that was. I would give that a solid 8 out of 10 as a day out. We went on trains, we saw lovely people, we paddled in the sea. I like that apart from we needed to... Apart from the excruciating foot pain yeah no apart from all that it was all good. So I think... I enjoyed the Valks train. I enjoyed that a lot more than I thought I would as a middle-aged man but it was a jolly trip along the coast wasn't it? Yes very good

Starting point is 02:47:21 it was a good day Paul I need to avail myself. To the toilet. Let's say goodbye first. Let's say goodbye so you can go to the toilet and I can turn this fucking thing off once and for all. So, hello. Thank you for listening. This has been Cheap Show. Go to the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, for everything. All the pictures. All the pictures, websites, links, all the fun things we're doing. You can go there and find us at thecheapshow.co.uk.

Starting point is 02:47:42 However, hey, some people are very, very kind and very, very brave and they give us money on Patreon to help support. Oh, really? How rude. Service two. It's quite aggro. Sounds aggro.

Starting point is 02:47:59 Oh, don't tell me all the address. No one cares. With us first. With one cares. There, there, there. Wivilsfield. Eastbourne. Dobbly-dob-dobbs. Kivilsmith. Allensdale.

Starting point is 02:48:14 Grahams Woods. Is that something you've dreamt of? Yeah, maybe it's a dream. Grahamsville. You are the worst at thinking of things. You name a name of a town right now. Breddington. What? What was that?

Starting point is 02:48:30 Why does even that work? Go on, do it again. Name a new town right now. Knivesfield. Knivesfield. Knivesfield. Knivesfield, alright. And you?

Starting point is 02:48:39 Wovenship. Mmm...oh fuck off. Yours are just... Yours are just... Name a... on a burrito, like a special burrito that uses rum. Rum don conky. How about that? Rum don conky is a burrito. You name me a modern car. Vovvo.

Starting point is 02:49:04 Yeah, we've not got it. Let's quit all the way ahead. So look, listen. Vovvo. Vovvo. That's pretty good, actually. That could be their new Volvo's new sort of kid range. The Volvo Vovvo.

Starting point is 02:49:14 The Volvo Vovvo. Not working for me. The Volvo Vovvo. All right, name me a type of ice cream flavor by Ben and Jerry's. Oh, Big Boy's Nut Sack. That's not good at all. That's so bad. Eli's nutsack parmesan sprinkles. That's more of a pasta dish. Right, look, patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you would like to support this ongoing train wreck of a podcast. Horrific, it's a close up of a sleeping baby's mouth. That's AI. No, it's not. It's a close-up of a sleepy baby's mouth. Baby's drooling gob. That's AI.

Starting point is 02:49:45 No, it's not. That's AI. It's just weird. Right, do you want to say goodbye before you go slash? Goodbye, everybody. You've got to walk off. No, I don't want to. Can you just say goodbye?

Starting point is 02:49:57 We both say goodbye. I want to see you press the button. Never. Please, Paul. All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. And we'll see you next week on Cheap Show. Goodbye. Click, it's over now. I've stopped it. Can you just stop it? I've stopped it. Hand it to me, I'll do it.

Starting point is 02:50:10 Hand it to me, I'll press the button. Hand it to me, I'll press the button. Hand it to me, I'll press the button. The button's already pressed. I can see it's off. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. I'm following you home. I don't need to piss that bad. That's how much this means to me. I'm going to...

Starting point is 02:50:24 You're going to follow me all the way home? Yes. Well, it looks like, gentlemen, you've got a whole new podcast to enjoy. Eli Follows Paul Home, episode 243. Just so you can't be snide about me at the end of the episode, press the button. Mate, I can stop it for real, let you go, and then start it again and just be sad. Please do that. Be sad. Snide. I'm sad all the time.

Starting point is 02:50:44 You are, aren't you? Just stop it, please. I love you guys. I love you, Paul. Just stop the thing. Don't be nasty to me. I'm going to press it now. Bye, everyone. See you next week. Look, I'm stopping it. Here we go. You

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CheapShow - Ep 442: Another Office Day Trip To Brighton (Mono Edition)

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