CheapShow - Ep 444: Beep Beep Me Phone Went

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

Blimey, something amazing has come in the post! After weeks of waiting, Eli and Paul get their hands on a test pressing of the CheapShow album, which would be exciting if it wasn’t for the awkward t...hreat of Mr Postie! It’s not the only thing that has come in the post either! There is a USA flavoured “Price of Shite”, or rather “Cost of Crud”, this week! The question it raises is “Can Eli continue his hot streak?” and how much will that upset Paul? It’s a P.O.S packed with trivia, tat and trinkets for Eli to gush over! Finally, we return to the often forgotten “Tales from the Shop Floor” segment with an email guaranteed to upset everyone… Which includes its author, Paul and Eli and (worst of all) CheapShow listeners. It’s another rollercoaster of an episode! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-444-beep-beep-me-phone-went SEE US LIVE: Oct 18th @ The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2.30pm, London https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/cheapshow---live-from-cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-18th-oct-2025-tickets Watch Our 10th Birthday YouTube Live Stream! https://youtube.com/live/Z18i8M3Eqac?feature=share And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at thecheapshow@gmail.com For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, beep beep me phone went, beep beep me phone went. It's beep beep your phone went beep beep my phone went. I've got a message. Let me just check me phone beep beep me phone went. Oh, my God. That's the least convincing beep beep me phone went moment of all time. You're going to get into my phone now. Beep beep me phone went.
Starting point is 00:00:15 So when it does go off, it does go beep beep me phone went. So when beep beep me phone went beep beep beefy phone meant beefy phone meant beefy phone made mint mint beefy foam mint. Beep beep beefy foam mint. Beefy foam mint. Beefy foam mint. Beefy foam mint. Ganon's delicious dinners coming to you. Beefy foam mint flavoured slop. Right, no, I've got a message.
Starting point is 00:00:36 Oh, it's this. Oh, you've got a message, really? I thought that was some kind of joke you were doing. No, beep beep beef foam mint. Here we go, beep beep beep. Oh what's this? Oh it's from Mr Posty. Oh Mr Posty's nearby. He's got a delivery for us. That's exciting isn't it? That's very exciting. What do you think it is? Oh I don't know. I can't wait but he's around the corner. Does he have to see us? Can't he just drop it off usually? No
Starting point is 00:00:59 I've got a sign for it. So Mr Posty's going to knock on my door any minute now. That's you. And then we're gonna go there. Right, okay. And then I'll see... Has he said what his name is? Uh, Mr. Posty. Yeah, but is it Ben Posty or...? No, it's Mr. PPPPostyP. Triple P. Posty.
Starting point is 00:01:16 Triple P. Posty. It's the Triple P. Posty. And they'll be here very soon, will they? Very soon. And what are you expecting from them? I don't know, but he's got a big package for me. I like it when he comes over with his big package and gives it to me in my hand and then I have to sign for it.
Starting point is 00:01:30 Sometimes does he take his big package and go round to the back door? He sometimes has to put his big package up my back passage. Yes, he sometimes has to put his big package up my back passage. Thank you. Edit. And I'll, nah. Does he come round the, does he go round the dirty alley? Go down the dirty alley round the back of the side of your house and then go to the back
Starting point is 00:01:48 door right up to the back door. And he goes. Nudging it. And he goes bit bit me feed me bone mince. Oh I forgot what I said though. Oh well. No it's me fan way. Hello me fan way. Beep beep me fan way.
Starting point is 00:02:00 Beep beep me phone went. Anyway. I've pants wet. Ding dong. Oh what? No I'll get the door because you have to be the fucking postman. Vanweighed. Beep beep, my phone went. Anyway. I'm pants wet. Ding dong. Oh, shall I? No, I'll get the door because you have to be the fucking postman. No, that's better. I can go and then I'm sort of loitering,
Starting point is 00:02:11 Elo will be loitering around the door. No, I'll go. I'll tell you what, Paul. I'll go let the poster in. Oh, he's gone. We've missed the package. We're too busy arguing. Is he going to beep beep, my phone went again?
Starting point is 00:02:22 Beep beep, I can pick it up in seven days time, eight miles away from here. Let's do an ellipse then. Yeah, ellipse. I'm doing me lips. Ellip- What? That's me lips! To say you are an exhausting punsmith of the lowest grade would be a huge overstatement.
Starting point is 00:02:37 Five days later, eight miles away. It was seven days! You can't even hold onto one thing! It's British Post, what do you expect? British Post? British Post! You've heard of it, the's British Post, what do you expect? British Post? You've heard of it, the British Post man. Where are we then? Somewhere else? Ding dong, the door's gone again, I've got a redelivery. Beep beep, your door's gone. Get the door quick.
Starting point is 00:02:54 I'll go, right? Paul? Ding dong. Beep beep, me phone won't... Oh, he's gone. Gotta come back. I'm just saying, when he does come back... Three years from now. I'm just saying, when he does come back, when he does come back, I'll go let him in and then I'll go, I need to go do something else. Ding dong!
Starting point is 00:03:12 For a minute, okay? Ding dong! Right. Ding dong. I'll go get that then. Go get it, quick! He's off to get the front door now. Yeah, good, good, good.
Starting point is 00:03:20 And he's off, he's out. Oh, is that Mr. Posty? Bring him in. Come in, Mr. Posty. Oh, hello, Mr. Posty. Nice to see you. You usually linger in my back passage. What brings you into the house of a haunted house on Harrow Hill? Show me your hands.
Starting point is 00:03:34 Here are me hands. They've got one, two hands. Keep them still. Let's keep them very still. They're a bit moist right now, Mr Posty. Don't say that. What's wrong, Mr Posty? I've got your package. Put it in my hand right now
Starting point is 00:03:46 Mr Posty. Well I need to see your hands for longer. Right here they go. Do you want to see the back as well? Yes but slowly turn them around. SLOWLY! Here we go. Shake it a little bit. I'm nervous. I LIKE THAT! Right are you ready for the package? Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah. Put it in me hand Mr. Posty. What did I tell you to do for homework? I shaved my back. Tell me the three P's that make up my name. What's my full name? Patrick, Peter, Popple Popple. Popple? That's right. Here's your fucking package. I'm out. Oh, Eli. So I get him on my way out? Yeah, get him on the way out. Thank you, Mr. Coaster. Keep your hands there, though.
Starting point is 00:04:27 Yeah, all right, they're out. All right, he's off. This is elaborate. Cheers. This is way too elaborate. Go on. Oh, he had very hairy sort of mutton chops, didn't he? Very hairy mutton chops.
Starting point is 00:04:37 Thick mutton chops. They were almost waxy. Almost like a badger. He looks like a friendly badger, that bloke. Well, he's not friendly. No, what was he doing? Because I didn't want to interrupt. He seemed to be in some kind of very tense moment with him there.
Starting point is 00:04:50 He wanted to look at my hands slowly before he put his package in them. Oh yeah. Anyway, I've got the package. Yay! Let's see what's in it. Welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, here we go. So from Vinyl, hello, by the way, hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon.
Starting point is 00:05:21 That's Eli Silverman. Hi guys. And it's a podcast about cheap things in general. That's the gist of it. Come on board. You're going to have fun. Right. Vinyl de Paris. Test pressings, Mr Silverman. I love that, that they put it on the box. On the box. And it's from DHL delivered it.
Starting point is 00:05:36 Economy Select. I don't know. Economy Select. I thought that was French. It's just English. Now this is our test pressing and we're hoping there's two. At least two. We're going to find out, aren't we? Copies of the LP in here. Now, Paul, they must have glued that because when I send records for Robbent, your flatmate, when he's away, I sometimes pack records for him. We have similar boxes to this, but I would be taping across where there is. They must have glued it.
Starting point is 00:06:01 Yeah, it looks glued. Anyway, I'm going to open it up. I don't really know what's in it. All I know is it's a test pressing of the Cheap Show album. You might need to get your Stanley out. No, I'm going to be careful with this. Yeah. Oh there you go, just slips out there. I don't understand how they've done that. I don't know, it's nice though, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:06:17 It just opens, wasn't there no tape? Oh it's all separate. There's no tape on it. So, I don't know. Oh look! Does it even? Oh! So there's no sleeve, it's just the records.
Starting point is 00:06:27 And there's... there's... There's five of them! Wow! I was... I mean I was expecting the album itself. These are just the pressings, it's not the test... It's not the test like liner notes and stuff, is it? No, there's black stick labels.
Starting point is 00:06:39 There's nothing on the labels, let's see. Oh this is... this is exciting. This is kind of exciting because I mean... I'm a bit underwhelmed that it's not the actual album with all the bits and bobs, but I mean look- Is this five of our twenty discs? I don't know what these are, they're just test pressings. For us, how many are there in total?
Starting point is 00:06:54 Five, you've got three, I've got two. And look, it's an album. Can you see the track gaps? Yeah, because I can see where the small ones are, or where we've talked, or there's a tiny track. Now, is there a difference, is there the same amount of tracks on each side, or what's the breakdown? Do you remember?
Starting point is 00:07:07 Well, I'm- Because I'm just trying to see, because there's nothing on the labels. To say what sides A and B. Ah, this is, ah, that looks really good. It does, doesn't it? That looks really good. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:17 You can't see any imperfections. No. It looks evenly spaced. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. There's a nice luster to the grooves. And Eli and I are going to be listening to this later on tonight on his nice sound system
Starting point is 00:07:29 so we can listen for imperfections because basically I need to listen to this and then reply back to them to say, yes, I am happy with the quality of these. Can you see on the run out groove? Yeah. They've etched some words. This is where they've etched in the VDP I see on one do you see cheap oh yeah see cheap a so cheap a and then cheap B on the other side etched in yeah oh this is brilliant so what happens now we've got five of them I thought was gonna get one one makes sense two that's nice of them I don't want to do with five though it's cool I tell you what hang what though. Hang on to them. We could. Give them away. How about this? At the live show in October 18th,
Starting point is 00:08:09 we will give away one of these test pressing signed and with everyone from the live show signing it. Or we could do some kind of homemade cover for them. Yeah, we could do something. I'd quite like to do that. How about we'll keep a pressing each and then we'll give the other three away. With some kind of homemade cover involving our signatures.
Starting point is 00:08:25 Already I want to do a little birthday, 10 year birthday celebration package as a live present, a live show present. So maybe we'll give two out, test pressings away, signed and all that stuff and then a third one will come with a package for the big prize. I'm interested to know. Prizes at the live show, come and get it, tickets on our website. Please do come. We've just had an idea haven't we for what we're going to do, which is very good.
Starting point is 00:08:47 Thank you. I wonder, though, how much they can change this if we do find something. And are we meant to check every single one of these discs from beginning to end? I don't know. Do you see what I mean? I wouldn't have thought every single one. It must be identical, huh? Well, yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:01 Maybe it's just because it's the minimum amount of material they need to use just to press one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's five, you know what I mean? Yeah, that would make sense. It's just not wasting it. Why waste it? Yeah, but it's fun to have like, just like these blank slate albums. It makes you feel like you're in the record making biz, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It's like, cut the wheel and deal. I feel like Simon Fallow or whatever his name is.
Starting point is 00:09:22 Simon Fallow. So that's exciting, innit? No one knows who you're referring to. I don't know who I'm referring to. Simon Fallow. It sounds like a record industry name. What's Simon Callow? Carrow?
Starting point is 00:09:36 It's Camo. You've got Simon Callow and Simon Fuller. Which is the actor? Callow. Callow. So Callow, Callow. No, Simon Fuller was the Fuller Callow. No, Beep Beep.
Starting point is 00:09:48 Beep Beep before when? Me fan weh. Me fan weh. Me fanj. There we go. I was just waiting for him to find a way to jostle in. Ah, Jostle in the fanj. Jostle in, that's her name.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Jostle in the fanj. Jostle in your fanj. Oh hello, I'm Jostle in the fanj. I have a very wet, moist, juicy sandwich. This is what I like about Eli. Oh do you want to see my wet sandwich? Most people play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Eli plays Six Degrees of How I Can Talk About Fanny on the podcast.
Starting point is 00:10:17 Two degrees of VARGE. Two degrees of vagination. Hello, I'm Pussy LaFlandre. No, no, no, no, no. Do you want to see my meat baguette? Oh God almighty. It's full of mayo. Right, lovely, lovely stuff Mr Silverman. Oh, I'm a classy lady I'll have you know. Right, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go for the charity shops, bargain bins and power lines of Great
Starting point is 00:10:39 Britain and that was just looking at our liable, uh pressings. And once we've checked them, we report back and then the vinyl start going out. That's true. But I do want to say one thing. One. Like imagine a vertical vertical vertical chicken chicken sweet corn baguette. Vertical chicken sweet corn baguette. That's what I said. So why? What am I imagining next after that? Shall I just skip to the part where you want me to say the word fanny out loud? Is that what you want? No, I just...
Starting point is 00:11:06 Would you prefer the word clunge or axe wound? What would you prefer? I don't like axe wound. No? No. Fanny is fine then. Fanny's great. Fanny.
Starting point is 00:11:14 Quim? Do you like quim, Mr Silverman? Do you like quim? I also like quim, yes. Yes? And you're a big fan of quim. I could say quim and you'd be like... I know, I know.
Starting point is 00:11:22 I know. I know. I know. I know. I Fanny's great. Fanny. Quim? Do you like Quim, Mr Silverman? Do you like Quim? I also like Quim, yes. Yes. And you're a big fan of Quim. I could say Quim and you'd be happy with that. I know I wound. The whole wound thing is quite misogynistic, isn't it? Yes. And growler. Yeah. Oh no, I like growler. I like growler. Sure as you hear, he growler. Is there an equivalent to like hairy axe wound for a penis that is also sort of a man-hating way of saying it? It doesn't seem to be be that springs to mind. Other than like derogatory terms in general,
Starting point is 00:11:48 like the last chicken in the shop, that kind of thing. But then you're going to say it's a small one aren't you? Well it could be the saggy grey one. I mean mine these days. Are you getting grey pubes? No, my pubes are robust and brown still. So are mine. And curly is the day. They're the last to go or something. Are they? I don't know, no one's told, no one teaches you this in school. They don't teach you about... They don't take you to man hair lessons. We've said this before. Hello, welcome to man hair 101. Right, when you go 30, what comes out your nose? Hair. Yes, but what colour is it? Hair. My daddy's is deep dark black. Don't be looking at your daddy's. I've got the photos! Up to... OK, well, you know what? Could have been a sketch there, but unfortunately...
Starting point is 00:12:28 I'm not ready or up to or... I don't have the talent for it. He loves it! Honesty is the best policy on Cheap Show. Listen, let's crack on because we have got things to do. We've got a price of shite and we've got a Tales from the shop floor. Something we've not done before, so I tell you what, let's get right into that now. Me fan we? Yeah, right.
Starting point is 00:12:52 It's time for Tales from the Shop floor. Many years ago when we started this podcast, our plan was to get tales from people who worked in charity shops and the like. Indeed we did. Because we did. And we did. Remember the guy who used to come in the pockets of duffel jackets in the charity shop? I do and I remember the fanny batter drenched sex toy in a sex shop.
Starting point is 00:13:11 Yeah, that was a low point. There was also someone who shat in the changing rooms, wasn't there? Yeah. And then we got to the point where it was just like, you know, necrotic leg holes. I mean that is the, well, depending on how you look at it, the zenith or the nadir of the whole genre. Yeah. The necrotic leg wound. Yeah. What episode's that? I don't care. Well, depending on how you look at it, the Zenith or the Nadir of the whole genre, the necrotic leg wound.
Starting point is 00:13:27 What episode's that? I don't care. I don't care and I don't wish to revisit those moments. All I'll say is that after that point, those stories became a kind of like sad tragic stories of just like... Vulnerable people not being able to control their bodily functions in neglected parts of Britain, which isn't our vibe, everyone.
Starting point is 00:13:47 Saying that, here's this week's story. So this one, let me just double check they're right for me to read their name out. Ah, fuck it, I'll see what happens when we get to the end. Okay. Right, we've got to tell them the shop floor. This is where people send us their stories of incidents that happened when they were working on the shop floor. In and around retail or offices sometimes. Work life. It could be called work life.
Starting point is 00:14:10 Work life. That was so lame. I'm becoming a fucking, I've watched too much YouTube. You know that Paul? Yes I do know that. I watch it all day long. I know. It's trouble isn't it? You just absorb the internet. Yes, I do know that. I watch it all day long. I know. It's trouble, isn't it? Yeah. You just absorb the internet. It's doing my head in.
Starting point is 00:14:27 Absorb the internet. You should create more and put out into the world. I did do some drawing. I did work on a drawing the other day. Good. I like to see your drawing. Keeps you out of trouble, doesn't it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:36 Good boy. Right. Hi, Paul and Eli. Hello, person. I haven't heard a tell from the shop floor for a while and I've been weighing up whether to share this one or not. Thankfully, the guy in the store has now passed away so the awkwardness has finally been laid to rest.
Starting point is 00:14:51 Now, on the basis of that opening gambit… That's not strong. That's not putting my fears to rest, put it that way, Paul. I can tell this story. Now the pervert's dead. Yeah. That's what the vibe is. What about the pervert's relatives, if they are a pervert?
Starting point is 00:15:03 Are they? Is that foreshadowing? Have you hung a pervert lantern on the wall? No, I haven't today, no. But you have perused this pre- I have, and I know where it's going. Okay. And-
Starting point is 00:15:15 Are they a pervert? Well, I'm reasonably reticent to do it, but at this point, I'm all in on the decadent 10th birthday vibe of the podcast. Hit me with some filth. And then in episode 451 we're going full Diet Zero Coke version with all the fun things you like taking out. No swearing. No swearing, no fannies, no clunge, no Mrs. Little Biscuits or something. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:15:35 Spunky. No characters. Spunky hammer. No, we're just going to be talking about rational things like salt and sand. Salt and sand. And material things. Yeah. Basic material categories. Yeah basic material
Starting point is 00:15:46 We're gonna call ourselves, you know the periodic pod That's what the prep. We're gonna rebrand the periodic pod this week but let's let's let go I love it. He's trying to think of this a boron, but then I was like, I think that is an element Yeah, but then I was wondering have I just invented the word boron a A boron is not a metal, though. I think it's a gas. Right. I think it's one of the noble gases. Mm. Yeah. Almost. Come on.
Starting point is 00:16:12 Come on. Come up with something for that. Fanny farts. All right. Well, that's when a queen queefs its noble gas. Oh, look on the periodic table of farts. It's queef QE. When the queen queefs its it's noble gas that comes out? Yeah, I won't past it.
Starting point is 00:16:27 What's the best that we've come up with in the last minute that you've come up with? No, what did you fucking say? Queef on the fucking... I'm angry! You know as Gazza once sang, Fog on the slime is all mine, all mine. That actually doesn't make sense, does it? No. I've jumped like 18 gagged ahead. Nothing you say makes sense. Blob on the slime is all mine, one it doesn't make sense does it no I've jumped like 18 gagged ahead nothing you say makes sense blob on the slime is all mine oh you said oh blob on your thighs is all mine all mine blob on your thighs is all mine
Starting point is 00:16:53 don't know what I'm doing I hate my fucking life sometimes I have one more comment on this all right we haven't even started one more comment you said we could be the periodic um periodic pod we could be the heavy periodic You said we could be the periodic... Periodic pod. We could be the heavy periodic pod. Oh god. No, you're right. Heavy flow. I was right.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Back to the gunge! Here we go. Back to the flange! Right. This is the most harrowing experience I've ever had in my working life and it was weeks into my first job. That wasn't a paper round. So here we go, strap in.
Starting point is 00:17:20 It was the early 2000s, maybe around 2003, 2004, and I was volunteering at a charity shop in my small town. It's a charity shop, I like that. Classic. So at least we're back on that sure footing. I'd gotten into it for one reason, my grandmother. She had been supported by this very charity herself in her final years, and when she passed away, I wanted to do something that would give back in some way. Plus it also gave me something to do during the summer holidays. All good, all rational.
Starting point is 00:17:43 All good, all fine. All good, all fine. Where does it drop off? The shop was one of those cluttered places filled with items piled high in every corner. It had a very strange charm to it though. Dusty furniture, mismatched crockery, old books and the inevitable mountain of VHS tapes that just gathered dust like a forgotten relic. Not a bad piece of writing there. A nice little…
Starting point is 00:18:03 Very emotive. Well and also quite, you know, efficiently described. Yeah. This is succinct, but colourful. I have to say, this letter is better written than a lot we've received over the years. You shouldn't really judge them because anyone who decides to write it... I can't help it, Paul. I'm a judge of writers. Yeah, you are. And yet you write in wax crayon. Shut up! With your feet.
Starting point is 00:18:24 I do with my feet! You're so a**! You do. Because you're more nimble with your toes, aren't you, than your hands. Oh, did you see my f**king... No, I don't want to see your socks. Oh, no, I do want to see your socks. They're shin.
Starting point is 00:18:35 You know those noodle brands? Yeah, you got a noodle brand one. Yeah. Nice. Right, these are very nice. Cheap, noodle themed socks. They're very cheap, that's what I'm saying. How much do you think I paid for these socks? F**king probably. Two quid. Yeah. Charity shop? No. Oh. Brand new from a Korean
Starting point is 00:18:50 deli of Grocer. Oh there you go. Now I've seen your socks. I've also got the no-face ghost from Spirit Away on a similar pair. Good. Can I get back to this now? More than sock pod. Hmm. The next week on Sock Pod. Sock suspenders. Oh we get week on sock pod, sock suspenders. Oh, we get right racy. I like pop socks. Oh, we see. Oh, new spinoff. Right.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Okay. So it was cluttered, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was mostly tasked with sorting through donations, pricing things and making sure nothing too valuable gets tossed in the wrong pile. It also gave me a chance to pick up some cool vinyl when it came in. You see, you're on the inside lane there, you're picking up the goodies. That's always the dream.
Starting point is 00:19:29 Right. And good on ya. One afternoon, as I was rummaging through a box of Old Tat, a regular customer came in. He was always hanging around, popping in for a chat, dropping off random bits of junk. He was in his late 60s, recently retired and clearly needed something to keep him occupied. It's a bit of a local oddball, known around town as a quote-unquote eccentric. Yeah, okay, got the picture there. Yeah, now the word eccentric can be bounded around for a lot of people like
Starting point is 00:19:55 stay away from that eccentric or I love hanging out with that eccentric. You're saying it's meaningless in a way? Well, it's that old adage, it's what they say, it's that quote from Speed, Dennis Hopper goes, poor people are mad, rich people are eccentric. That's kind of the association. I know what you're getting at. Yeah. So I'm thinking, what kind of eccentric is he?
Starting point is 00:20:14 Let's find out. The eccentric is the good way of saying he's a scary mad man. He's crazy. Someone with mental health problems or something like that. Charmingly volatile is the phrase we could be. A vulnerable person who could be very violent. Or, let's face it Paul, could shit everywhere. Or! That's where it might be going. Or! It might be going. A lot of them do go poo poo. A lot of them do go poo poo.
Starting point is 00:20:35 Well. Can I just say, and put that, you can quote me on that. A lot of them do go poo poo. Can we have that on a t-shirt anyway? Just Eli's face with the bubble coming out the top that says only men go poo poo. And also in the back it t-shirt anyway? Just Eli's face with the bubble coming out the top that says only men go poo poo. And also in the back it could have poo poo come out of bumhole or something like that. Yeah, do something clever like that shall we? Or he could be the eccentric who just turns up with a kind of, you know, a big foam hat with oh here comes a Wally on it, you know what I mean? Or he wears googly eyeglasses and goes bobbly bobbly, that kind of eccentric. Yes.
Starting point is 00:21:05 The Timmy Mallet kind of eccentric. I knew I was just about to say, the image of Timmy Mallet appeared in my mind. Yes. Here we go with the story. A deeply religious man. Right, here we go. Where are we? He handed me an old VHS player, an old 80s model, wood grain sides, and a top loader mechanism. Oh, I can see it now. Maybe with those keys, you know, the ones that clunk click.
Starting point is 00:21:27 Yeah, but they have a nice heaviness to the action on those old ones, the top loaders. Nice metal clunk click kind of keys. A real heavy feeling of really achieving a mechanical aim. Mechanical action. Oh, anyway, he says. And the wood grain is what sells it. Because everything was wood grain
Starting point is 00:21:44 in the late 70s, early 80s. Do you see what I mean about the writing though? It's efficient but also very evocative. Yes. The item was probably much sought after now, but was worth almost nothing back then. Thought you might want this, he said, giving me a nod. Works fine, just needs to clear out some of the stuff I don't need. I took it, half-heartedly thanking him, trying to hide my confusion about why he thought anyone would want a bulky VHS player in the
Starting point is 00:22:08 age of DVD. But, of course, we weren't going to turn away donations. I plugged the player in behind the counter and it worked to life. And then I noticed a tape inside. Now Eli, I'm going to ask you to put another gambit on at this point. Where does the story go? Porn. Now you've said poo poo. Now, this could still be poo poo. I mean, Ganon knows the secrets. I don't think it's a video of someone shitting.
Starting point is 00:22:30 That would be too much. Might be a Little Richard thing or whatever it was. Was it Little Richard? A scat thing. Was it Chuck Berry? Chuck Berry? It was both of them, let's be honest. No, I don't know if Little Richard did that.
Starting point is 00:22:39 I think Robert De Niro. There's a story of Little Richard as a child. Robert De Niro's waiting under a glass table, under a glass table. There is a story about little Richard earlier in his life. Yes. As a kid, a teenager, I believe he would prank his aunts and stuff. Right. When they came out of church.
Starting point is 00:22:58 With poo poo. Yeah, giving them poo poo in a box. And they'd go, Richard! You know, screaming at him. He was fruity. Put it this way, he was fruity. And also, of course, Little Richard, one of the original rock and roll stars, but came in a time when being gay was... Well, flag-pointful stop, you know what I mean? Yes, but yeah, he was kind of gay.
Starting point is 00:23:18 You see, it was tough to be a black rock and roll pianist to be taken seriously. However, if you were... Who signed Great Balls of Fire? Jerry Lee seriously. However, if you were, who signed Great Balls of Fire? Jerry Lee Lewis. Yeah, you could just marry a 10 year old. You could marry a 10 year old and murder up to three people. Yeah, but that's all right. You know what I mean? That's all right. He was fucking evil.
Starting point is 00:23:34 Jerry Lee Lewis. Like a murderer, they reckon. You know that? Yes. I mean, I don't know the full story. Like insurance money. Like that kind of murderer. Like down and dirty. Well, I mean, all allegedly, because I don't know the facts and I can't speak from where he likes pulling his sources from. Little Richard, I mean, you know, Jerry Lee Lewis had some excellent early performances and obviously some great live energy, but he wasn't anything compared to Little Richard as a singer, performer or just being one of the greats of all time.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Greatest, a goat, I think the kids would say. A goat. But Chuck Berry got videos of women shitting shipped round to his fucking flat in a truck apparently. Yeah. Puts a new meaning to what you thought My Ding Ling was about, wasn't it? It's not. Might have been a dirty hairy clag nut dangling out. It definitely was a clag nut. Wiggle, wiggle, plip, plip, plop. Be beep beep beep bo went. Everyone thinks my dingaling refers to his little winky but it's a fucking massive clang nut. Hanging off his hairy asshole. Which is fucking so dry and old that it rings like a bell. My dingaling, my dingaling, you know how that goes.
Starting point is 00:24:38 Right, okay so I just don't want to sing that song. Anyway, going from scat vids to see what we've got here. So I think it's going to go porn song. Anyway, going from scat vids to see what we've got here. I think it's going to go porn now. Homemade porn. Okay. That's my guess now, okay? Then I noticed a tape inside.
Starting point is 00:24:52 I ejected the tape, the top loader clogged open, and it had a label written on it in neat handwriting. One man and his dog. Oh no. Oh no. It might just be the BBC show. We finally got there, Paul. We finally got to it. Now, my mind immediately went to that classic BBC show with the sheepdog trials. I used to watch it all the time with my grandparents.
Starting point is 00:25:12 They'd sit on the couch laughing at the dog's antics and my grandma would always cheer for the underdog, no pun intended. I thought it'd be quite nice to keep the tape. Maybe it was recording of the show. I used to enjoy that show as well. It's great. Something uniquely British and like a brilliant thing. Goodbye, boy! Goodbye, boy!
Starting point is 00:25:29 I just love it. Come on. Don't you think that's great TV? You know when people say, oh, you can't do that on TV anymore. It's like, no, no, no. What you can't do on TV anymore is dedicate half an hour to a man and shout out to get a dog in a field. I think it was an hour long, that show.
Starting point is 00:25:42 Fuck it, Al. It was so Sunday afternoon. You know, if the alternative... Benson! Whatever. No, but if the alternative is what? Songs of praise or like, you know, I'd much prefer to watch the dogs running about, you know what I mean? Wouldn't you? Yeah. I used to really enjoy it in a sort of, it's like ambient television. You know what it's like? It's like antique roadshow. You don't really care about it, but you watch it for the kind of mechanics of it. Yes, but it's an ambient, it has a vibe. It's got a relaxing vibe to it. What was the theme tune to One-Man-Annie? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:26:19 I think it was a classical thing. Maybe. Right. Anyway, so. I'm going to guess now, Paul. Yeah. It wasn't the BBC TV show that was on the video. Well, aren't you a cynical, cynical man? I hit play and the screen flickered to life. Where did he have the monitor? I'm wondering. I don't know. Maybe it's a security system or an old VHS he hooked up to a TV on the show. You know what I mean? You need a CRT to play one of those.
Starting point is 00:26:40 Yes. Well, no, you don't need to be a CRT, but you do need to have the right connection to a monitor anyway. This is back in the early 2000s though anyway. Yeah. So there's probably more CRTs banging around. Definitely were. Most VHS's had SCART plugins and stuff, so yeah, it's fine. I hit play and the screen flickered to life. At first, it looked like an old home movie. There was a man, probably in his mid-30s, with a large gold retriever by his side. The man was talking to the dog in a way that felt off, kind of over-familiar. But I didn't stop the tape, thinking it might be one of those quirky old home videos people donate.
Starting point is 00:27:14 And then the scene changed. Now I want to know what Howard talking to a dog over-familiar would be. I dunno, what do you say to a dog that's over-familiar? Rova? Yeah? You know I love you. No, you're the dog, you don't say yeah. Ro overly familiar. Rover? Yeah? You know I love you. No you're the dog you don't say yeah. Ruff?
Starting point is 00:27:27 You know I love you. Ruff? Now I noticed there were when you went to the toilet the other day there were pieces of uncleanness all around the holes. Now you know I love that's maybe over familiar. It's really actually I'm disgusting myself with this. I don't want to keep doing this character. I'm disgusting myself with this. I don't want to keep doing this character. I'm going.
Starting point is 00:27:48 Oh, don't do it! Right, hang on. Let's see where this is going. That was really awful. Then the scene changed. Then it hit me. This wasn't one man and his dog. This was something much weirder. The camera panned and the man began to talk in a soft voice, directing the
Starting point is 00:28:05 dogs to do things I really, really did not need to witness. I can't even describe it without feeling uncomfortable. Let's just say this was one of those things that one scene could never be unseen. I panicked, my heart started racing and my hands were shaking and my knees are weak. Buh buh buh buh. Great balls of fire. Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah so I mean you know. Hair balls of fire. He very delicately told us everything we needed to know without describing everything he needed to know. Dog sex for higher. Dog sex for lower. Whatever it takes. Mifanwi! Yeah that was the name of the dog was called MifanFanwi. I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:28:48 Oh, man. Oh dear. Oh dear. What was it? What do you think it was? Dog licking ice cream off of a knob? It could have been anything. It could have been, yeah, you like your Mariborne jelly, don't you? Just put a little blob of it right on the end of old Todd-ja-do.
Starting point is 00:29:01 You know. Well, I hope it is something nicer than, you know, Eli's not happy with this. Good. I yanked the tape out of the player, pressed it to the ground and stamped on it. Wow. I kept stamping harder and harder and harder until it shattered into a hundred pieces.
Starting point is 00:29:16 It must have been something really bad. Yeah, this feels like he took place- Probably worse than a spot of charm on a knob end. Honestly, it looks- A bit worse than that, we're thinking. It looks like our author had like a one-man edition of best of the worst all by himself. Wow. I think I was trying to crush the memory as much as the tape itself.
Starting point is 00:29:35 There was a thud, a clatter of plastic and a sharp crack. The noise echoed through the back room. It was so loud that my workmate, who was sorting books on the other side of the shop, came running in. What the hell was that? she asked. I froze. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at anyone. In a panic, I blurted. I accidentally stood on it. The tape, it slipped out and I tripped and my penis is out. And it's all covered in sticky white ghost goo. Ghost licked my willy and it's all sticky. Sorry. She raised an eyebrow but didn't press further. Maybe she thought it was just another one of my clumsy moments, but inside I was mortified.
Starting point is 00:30:09 The tape was gone, but the image of what I'd seen still haunted me. A couple of weeks later, the man came back into the shop, as he often did. His awkward smile, his familiar cap, and his voice saying, Got anything new for me? But I couldn't look him in the eye. I couldn't even glance his way. I knew that I had obliterated a piece of his life, something so private, so strange and I had no idea how to deal with it. To make matters worse, his grandson went to the school with me. I had to see that guy every day and pretend everything was fine even though I knew his grandfather had donated something far more personal than I could ever have imagined.
Starting point is 00:30:43 Dave. Well, Dave, thanks for sharing. Now, it doesn't state that. He's disturbing. I don't think the man who gave the tape was in the video. I think it was just like maybe he got it off a guy who could sell him tapes. Why would the man who donated the thing not think to check the tape? Because some people don't think.
Starting point is 00:31:03 I mean, I don't know. It is strange to go. I'm going to donate this VHS player. I best check my dog fuck tape isn't in it. You know, I drop it off. But remember, we got that stack of fucking porn. That was porn, though. That was what it was. Homemade material.
Starting point is 00:31:18 No, no, but they were hidden behind action movies of the 80s and 90s. So it was donated. The charity shop went, oh, oh, oh, on the siege, whatever. Do you still have those? No, I smashed them into the ground over and over. No, I just threw them out. Well, you didn't even like them.
Starting point is 00:31:33 I didn't. You wanted that one, didn't you? How much is that doggy in the window? That's the one you wanted. Yeah. And what was the other one you wanted? The Breach Boys Pet Sounds. The Breach Boys Pet Sounds.
Starting point is 00:31:44 Yeah. I don't know what that was about that sounded disgusting that's too soon I'm picking up good vibrations the other day yeah cuz he made dog porn yes he made dog porn Brian Wilson dog porn enthusiast I've said it out loud I can't take it back out boys yeah lots of lots of animals the dog beach boys. Dog park boys. Oh, and Paula Abdel's Opposites Attract, where she fucks a cat. Is it a cat? Is it more like a fox? No, it's a cat. It's a cat.
Starting point is 00:32:13 I can establish it's a cat. That was on MTV a lot, that video. It was, yeah. Two steps forward, two steps back. We come together because... Opposites Attract. And that's why that man fucked a dog, because he was watching Paula Abdel.
Starting point is 00:32:24 I went, I don't want a cartoon cat, I would like a real Labrador. That's it, the story's over now. So Dave, thank you very much for that. That was a wonderful story. Took us back to our cheap show roots. Well written, Dave. Very well written. And if you've got any stories of people having sex with animals, please do not send any more.
Starting point is 00:32:43 We've had our fill on this podcast. Well, that was no, I mean, that was it was part of the story was it was part of it. Yes. It was a charity shop. It was an old tat. There was very much a sort of cheap show theme. How do you rank it in very ways like on grossness? How do you rank it? Is it below? Well, it didn't actually want to say what actually happened in the video or, you you know, is it above Fanny in the Box? I don't know how bad the video was. No. And I understand him not wanting to write that down.
Starting point is 00:33:11 I tell you what, though, I bet it was rough. It was rough. Yeah, rough. And that's how I'm signing off this awkward segment of the podcast. I'll go with that. We're going to have to because that's all we fucking got. And the question on everyone's mind today here in the House of Pain and Harrow is will Silverman continue his unprecedented run of great form in The Price of Shite? He's on a hot streak!
Starting point is 00:33:42 I'm on a super hot streak and everyone's wondering can I keep it going? The petwings are stacking up. Can he keep the petwings flowing? Can I keep the petwings flowing? I'm not going to have a crisis because I'm going to guess what the price of shite is. No, oh I'm not going to have a crisis because I'm going to correctly guess the prices. Yeah but also mine scanned better. No mine scanned better. I'm not gonna have a crisis because I'm gonna guess what the price of shite is. No there's too many syllables towards the end. It's a little flourish there. I'm not gonna have a crisis because I'm correctly guessing the prices. No the correctly guessing is completely out of rhythm. Well I'm right and you're wrong because
Starting point is 00:34:16 you know nothing ever. Don't have a crisis I'm gonna guess exactly what the price of shite is. Don't have a crisis the price of shite's prices are nicest. You know what the nicest price is? See, just get into it, let's just get into it. Watch me fan we beep beep! It's the fucking price of shite, it's the fucking price of shite, it's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. And that's right!
Starting point is 00:34:39 And that's right, it's the part of the show where we guess the prices of the shite things you give to us in charity shops and we've had a PO box sent to us with a letter and items for us to play however while I scrabble in my box can Eli please describe the point system of which we dally out the potwings the point system of this game the price of shite thank you yes hello everyone here I am I'm here to tell you about what the system is we use vis-a-vis points awarding in the price of shite's. Now... Oh, they've done a scorecard! They've done a scorecard, no need for paper! Oh, I've got one anyway. Anyway, go on.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Well, we will guess the price of items. How many items are we looking at today, Paul, do you know? One, two, three, four, five, six. That's a nice number for items to have. Yeah, and I don't know if there's any other gambits involved in this, so we'll find out soon. Okay, we're just going to say what the preliminary base foundational rules are, and then there may be other rules after this. We will guess the price each. Price? In turn, we will guess the price of each item.
Starting point is 00:35:36 In turn. If, at the end of the day, it turns out that we guessed the price exactly right. On the nose. You get two betweens for that. Two betweens. You say £1, it is one... Oh no. Don't say that. I'm just realising.
Starting point is 00:35:47 £1.50. You say £1.50, it is £1.50, you've got two petwings. Petwing, petwing. Petwing, petwing. However, what would happen if I was, I don't know, close, close but not really on the right price? Well, there'd be a specific amount of closeness, either above or below the price that we'd have to be within that band pool.
Starting point is 00:36:02 And how specific would that be? It would be specific to 25p either above or below the actual price of the price of item. So let's just say I said £5 but it was £5.25. And it was actually £5? Because you are within the 25p between range, let's call it that, you score one between. I have to also back this up with another. What if it was £5 but I'd said £4 in 75 peds, would that still be allowed up between? Yes, you would be below the actual price of the Price of Shy item and therefore within the 50p wide band, straddling the actual price,
Starting point is 00:36:40 you can imagine it like that. Right, if I can imagine it like a kind of a stretched band. A stretched band around the actual price. You can imagine it like that. I can imagine like a kind of a stretched band. A stretched band around the actual price, the real price. A kind of a fenced off area. If you've been below by anything up to 25p, you would also, in that case, get one per twing. And that's the same as if I guess maybe £4.90 is £5. Yes, all of those. Or £5.15, I'd still be allowed. That as well.
Starting point is 00:37:04 I'm just clearing things up for the audience so they're not confused. Well let's just go all the way down then. In your example, we've got £5.25, how many per twings? Two. No! One per twing. Thank you. £5.24. Eight per twings. One per twing. One per twing. These are like guesses, right?
Starting point is 00:37:20 £5.23. Letter. £5.23, how many per twings? Acceptable, one per twing. £5.22. We get it. We many per twings? Acceptable one per twing. 5 pound 22. We get it. We know we all get it now. We've all got it. 5 pound 20. Now here we go. 5 pound 19.
Starting point is 00:37:31 Let's read the letter. Sorry. This is from Andy. Thank you, Andy. Hello, Andy. They've sent a PO box in with some items. And here's the letter that goes... I can see their handwriting looks very nice.
Starting point is 00:37:40 It's shining through there. Very nice. Are you going to be able to read that? I am. I am. Is it legible? Yes, it is as legible as it can be. Very neat and nice. With nice cursive writing. Let's have a little look. Let's have shining through there. Very nice. Are you going to be able to read that? I am, I am. Is it legible? Yes, it is. It's legible as it can be. It's very neat and nice. With nice cursive writing.
Starting point is 00:37:48 Let's have a little look. Let's have a little look. Go on. Nice bit of cursive. Nice bit of cursive. Dear Team Cheap Show, short-time listener, long-time Barshans fan who finally got around to giving the show a listen. Oh, it's only taken you a decade, dickhead. Ah, fuck you, Andy.
Starting point is 00:38:01 No, come on. Off. Give Andy a second chance. I'm going to get my knob out and kill this podcast right now because of Andy or Dave. Your letter was bad. How dare you both ruin this show? Dave's letter was well written.
Starting point is 00:38:13 Yeah, it was well written. This one's well written, maybe. I bet it isn't. I've just been to visit- Sorry, Andy. I've just been to visit my in-laws in the States, ooh. And in between family events and hiding from ICE kidnap squads,
Starting point is 00:38:27 I've had enough time in a charity shop equivalent to acquire some items for a round of Price of Shite, or Goods American, Cost of Crud. The Cost of Crud. Well remembered, Mr Andy. You're back in my good books. Enclosed are six items picked according to the Watford High Street scheme. Oh, I see, book, game, toy, kitchenware, trinket, party album. Oh, when we did the tat-hontes, actually. That's a nice little reference, bum-licking reference to another episode.
Starting point is 00:38:53 You're greasing yourself up my pole a bit more. Although I had to diverge on the latter due to a lack of party albums. Okay, fair enough. The madness of entrusting vinyl to a checked bag and the obvious reference in what I found. I wonder what that means. Is that the end of the letter? No.
Starting point is 00:39:10 Tweaks and hints. All items are from the same shop in rural Oregon. Card included. It's from a place called, oh, you can read it out. Let's have a little look at this. So it's not a charity shop. It's a resale shop. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:21 Or thrift, they call it a lot. Or- Goodwill. Goodwill is a particular- Oh, charity. Oh, okay, all right, okay. They're Or thrift. They call it a lot or goodwill. Goodwill is a particular charity. Oh, okay. All right. They're not a charity. Goodwill are they like they're like a religious organization. Oh, like the Salvation Army. Yeah. Okay. So I'm not sure they're a charity and they do employ people but they anyway. That's for what? You know, it doesn't work like it does over here with charity shops. This is a resale shop.
Starting point is 00:39:45 So it's a secondhand store. Okay, fine. Right, so I spent between $10 and $15. Red Lizard Resale. No MetaGaming smiley emoji. Oh, this is what they got there. Oh, go on. Tools.
Starting point is 00:39:58 Yeah. Sporting equipment. Great. Resale clothing chemicals. Camping. Nice. Collectibles. Oh.
Starting point is 00:40:04 DVDs. Kitchen goods. Board games. Oh, there you go. They're on the card, nice. Collectibles, DVDs, kitchen goods, board games. Oh, here you go. They're on the card, man. They're on the card. I wanna go there. Well, we can't, Clinton, Oregon. I really wanna go there. Well, we can't.
Starting point is 00:40:12 Craft supplies, some Play-Doh. Right. Or plasticine. Right. Gardening supplies, a trowel. Good, right, let's move on. Et cetera. I love et cetera.
Starting point is 00:40:21 Do you think of anything else that could go there in Red Lizard? Haberdashery. Shut up. Right, so no more than between ten and fifteen dollars was spent. Okay. One of the items was precisely one pound, so the Quid Gambit, or as they've put it, the Washington Wager is in play.
Starting point is 00:40:37 Nice. Andy, my poll is getting harder and more greased. I think it's fully greased. Now wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We need to explain the Queen'sased now. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We need to explain the Queen's Gambit. Wait, wait, wait. We'll go back to that. The Queen's Gambit.
Starting point is 00:40:50 When you're done, the game seems to be in the same vein as Mindbenders, so it might be fun to play through if you want upset Eli. They're one of the things as a game, that's fine. Have fun. Don't tell each other you hate each other too much. Love from the benign hell pits of Uxbridge. Andy. Thank you, Andy. This looks like a lot of fun.
Starting point is 00:41:06 And literally the quid gambit is this. If there is an item that we know to be a pound but we don't know which one you can play that quid gambit. That allows you to put one pound on a specific item and no other item must be given a pound. That is that rule. It's been sorted. And you'll get four per twing. Two for being spot on and two for the quid gambit bonus. Thank you. Yes. So four per twings, two for being spot on and two for the quids gambit bonus. Thank you, yes, so four per twings if you get that right. The answers are here. Now Paul, why is it called the Washington Wager?
Starting point is 00:41:30 Because Washington is on the dollar, isn't it? That's right. Thank you very much. He is the president of that dollar. And these are the answers in a sealed envelope. Eli can attest that I have not opened them. Oh, lovely bit of sealing Andy. This is nice.
Starting point is 00:41:41 The answers it says clearly in the same cursive. Lovely. So we know, we can suspect that the same person wrote the answer the letter So I'm gonna put these little details, you know, give it to grumpy fibbage now to look at grumpy fibbage I keep calling him grumpy fibbage as well. Thank you mulchy fibbage He's up there is on high looking after the answers there and as we know Paul, as we do know, you for cheap clickbait reasons you cheated the last time we played the second to last time we played this. I can't cheat this time can I? I don't look at the rules or the support or... Well you're writing the
Starting point is 00:42:16 rules down. But I will find a way to cheat this week. How will Paul cheat? I don't even know yet and that's the thrill of this week's edition. Paul, I just have to say on that one where you cheated, not only did I get the quid scam bit, I got the extra special rule, I got everything and I scored, I must have scored about fucking 18 between the last three games. Maybe, yeah, but however they're not legible because as I have edit, they are what they are in the final edit of the podcast and they are the final score. So once again, I've done you proper. Let's get into the game. Alright. Right so because Andy's on the list I'm just going to go by the list order. Well he's done his own scorecard for us there is that right? Yeah right. Nice nicely put together
Starting point is 00:42:59 bespoke price of shite here Andy. Is this it? Is that it? Which is it? And thanks for joining Cheap Show from being a Barshans fan. Yeah, I don't know. You know what, I think it's this one. I'll let you open it. It's item number one. It's item number one. I'll let you open it before I describe what Andy has called it. It's wrapped in bubble wrap quite nicely. It's nicely sealed.
Starting point is 00:43:19 It looks to me like some kind of receptacle of some sort. Oh yeah, and receptacle. Could be any of them. It's probably a receptacle though, isn't it? It's a receptacle because it has a handle. Yeah. And it's in a sort of khaki and yellow brownie plastic. And it's emerging from the bubble wrap as I speak. Yeah, he's pulling it out of its...
Starting point is 00:43:38 Oh, I hope I haven't broken it because it's coming to two pieces. It's coming in pieces. It looks like it's meant to do that. I think it's meant to be separated, yes. And now I'm just trying to get the... What appears to be a head piece out of the last piece of packaging. It does seem to be some kind of animal head from this perspective. Oh, it's a cow, a moocow. It's a moocow head, but what, I don't, what is it?
Starting point is 00:43:56 It's some kind of... Wait, so the moocow goes on the top of the mug. Okay, this is sort of a mug thing, It's a conical mug thing that narrows and then the moo cow head goes on and the moo cow mouth is a different red plastic and is slot like. Yeah. Or pouring... What's it say? It's for pouring milk out of the cow's head. What does it say on the front exactly? Oh, I must possess this and put it on show. What does it say exactly on the front? It says moo cow Creamer. No it doesn't. Moo Cow Creamer. Oh it does then.
Starting point is 00:44:26 I thought it said Moo Moo Creamer. I just would have thought it was. I thought it said Moo Moo Creamer. Which I am guessing. It's better. It's much better. Moo Moo Creamer. Right darling. Would you like to meet the Moo Moo Creamer? How about that love?
Starting point is 00:44:42 Or, hello darling, would you like to suck on my Moo Moo Creamers? Yes, that would be it. So now I have equal opportunities smart. Willie and Tits, we call them all the bases. Yes, they both produce the cream. Yeah they do. One more metaphorical than the other. Manfat and Lady Creme. Something like that. That's a good superhero duo. Manfat and Lady Creme. To the rescue! That's a good superhero duo. Man-Fatten Lady Creme. To the rescue! Anyway, this is quite charming. It is.
Starting point is 00:45:09 Plasticky. Very 70s, very kind of beige, khaki. You take the cow's head off, you put the cream in the bottom bit, put the cow's head on and then you can dose your coffee, basically. You've got to keep it in the fridge as well, keep it cool in the creamer. It's a novelty kind of item. Let's see if it has anything written on the bottom. Yeah. What have I been involved?
Starting point is 00:45:31 Okay, it says Whipley Industries Incorporated. Whipley? Yeah. With an H. Whipley. As in like whipping cream? That's what I was thinking. Warren, Pennsylvania, penner it says, I don't know is that? No, what that means.
Starting point is 00:45:44 NSA, Patents Pending. Well that? NSA, Patents Pending. Well, it's always Patents Pending. No one ever gives these a pendant. No. The guy in the pendant office is like, no, we got fucking today. We've got a new defibrillator thing. No, it's a patent office, not a pendant office.
Starting point is 00:45:55 When you go and get a fucking necklace. Patent office, I'd say. You were saying, you know, you say a pendant. A pendant office. Yeah, where everyone gets a necklace. You get a medallion. With your mummy's hair in a lock or something. Yeah, something like that. No, but I'm just saying you can see why they never get the pendant.
Starting point is 00:46:09 Fucked it. The patterns for this because there's better things to do. Pendant pending. That's what you're getting confused about. A pendulous pendant. My pendulant is pending, yeah. How much, Eli, do you think the Moo Moo Creamer is? Oh, now we do have a window. Oh, about four Moo Kiles Creamer. We do have a window here for all six items. We do. It's quite a broad window. Between 10 and $15.
Starting point is 00:46:37 Yeah, it's 10 and 15. I know, but I don't know why 11 came in there. Why? Well, why not? Everyone forgets about the number 11, and I'm here to say 11 is just as valid as any other bloody number you count. Remember 11. Don't call me a count. I'll call you anything. How much? Am I going first on this one?
Starting point is 00:46:53 You are now. I've decided. I'll put my foot down. These are dollars. Yeah. Dollar, dollar. Come on. $4. Oh, $4. $395. $395. I'm saying that's where my last answer, $395.
Starting point is 00:47:04 Alright, hang on. 3.95. 3.95 dollars. That's where my last answer. 3.95. 3.95 Eli say. I'm going to go ahead and say 3 dollars on the nose. Okay, 3 on the nose. Yeah, I'm going to go with that but I'm going to put pound down. Right, next item. It's a CD. Eli, explain the CD to us. It's had the CD. It says Platters. All time greatest hits. Now the Platters early R&B act, what's their most famous? The Platters. Oh, lollipop. The Great Pretender. They're sort of like a very famous black group just from just sort of just before and through the earliest rock and roll era. OK.
Starting point is 00:47:50 Mid-50s I'd say. Straddling that period. Yes, and that's a huge number. There's other things, My Prayer, I think that's quite big, Heaven on Earth, it's sort of do whoopie. Yeah. There you see their records absolutely everywhere. Do you?
Starting point is 00:48:02 Miles, yeah. I think it's funny that we've been given a platter on a CD. Well, it's still a sort of small platter. It is a tiny wee platter, isn't it? In fact, it's a mini platter. It's a plattet. Yes. So, what else did they do?
Starting point is 00:48:12 I want to have a look at their songs. So, yeah, there's four men. They've got Only You. Only you can make this change in me. That one. You've Got the Magic Touch. I don me. That one. You've got the magic touch. I don't know that one.
Starting point is 00:48:27 On my word of honour, one in a million. He's mine. My dream. Smoke gets in your eyes. That's a popular one, isn't it? I think the Ink Spots did the first famous version of that one. OK, so yeah, so they're not unfamiliar to our overall music of the era. It's that funny early sort of rock and roll, which isn't very rocky,
Starting point is 00:48:46 but is because it's for that more ballady. You know what it reminds me of? It's like, you know, the end of Back to the Future with the Champion Under the Sea dance and they have that band on and they are playing those kind of standards until you go until Little White Marty McFly and Fence Rock and Roll. Yeah, which is very questionable, isn't it? It is. But only because of the benefit of all this hinds
Starting point is 00:49:04 and discussion we've had since at the time. It's a cute joke is what it is. You know isn't it? It is! But only because of the benefit of all this hindsight discussion we've had since. At the time, it's a cute joke is what it is. You know what I mean? Anyway, I'm going to guess first on the Platters CDs. Now, Platters in America CDs, it's weird because when we went to charity shops, everything was fucking overpriced. But that's because it was LA. But then that's LA, yeah. And that was not, I'm telling you, was not typical of charity shops or at least the ones that I see in Florida, South Florida, very different place. I'm going to go ahead and say
Starting point is 00:49:31 that this is two dollars and I'm writing. You've seen all the items so you're saving your Washington's wager for a later item. Oh I forgot about that sorry, I would still commit to that. Anyway we get a chance to revise these. You can amend, yeah. I'm gonna put my Washington wager on this and say it was a buck. I'm gonna do Washington wager, WW. And then that's it, so we're going on to our next one now. Let's find out what the next item is on the price of chai, please, yes, sir.
Starting point is 00:49:56 Okay, please, yes, sir. I really hope the microphone picked up your tummy then. You could hear it on the... I heard it, I didn't hear it from my headphones, but I heard it in real life. And it was a real grumbly Wombos. Well, I had a noodle today. Do you know what?
Starting point is 00:50:10 I had a new Nong Shim stir-fry style one, creamy and spicy it's called, creamy. Called Tooboo or something. Everyone, do you know what the big trend in noodles is at the moment, Paul? The cheesy, creamy ones, the Carbonara. Really? It's about everything, spicy, cheesy, the carbonara really everything spicy cheesy creamy carbonara creamy this I think I think
Starting point is 00:50:28 we're the cream trendsetters I mean a lot of people do say you know what I am a cream snail trail set layer I just put my arm on the arm on the elbow on the arm of this chair just resting my head on my chin as I invite Eli to go further with that idea go on I spot on the ground in the big line and then people can find me and then behind the bins come come behind the bins and behind the bins did you see my cum oh it's Eli's little sticky breadcrumbs is it have you seen it yeah it's my breadcrumb trail of sticky cumbits. Like a one man filthy Hansel and Gretel aren't you? Dirty boy. Anyway I think we did that, Justice. I'm still pondering over it. Oh that looks good, this is the game.
Starting point is 00:51:17 No it's not, we've done this before. Remember when we won Barshens and we did that fucking Mindbenders? This is the same but it's mind trap and it's called mind trap 2 which looks to the eye the exact same fucking thing as mind trap which is a collection of cards thousands of them with mind bending puzzles they're puzzle cards yeah i'm gonna pull some out see it there oh it's got a board though this one i don't remember the other one having a little board with it well it's a different game that was called mindbenders this is no no but mind trap itself also is the exact same thing? This one comes with a little board It's very nice item nice kind of isometric kind of cuboid pathway thing fucking hell
Starting point is 00:51:53 I'm like a 3d. Yeah, it looked you know what that looks like looks like a rubik snake. Yes. Yeah Plastic II so I guess you move around the board answering these cards. I'm gonna all these loads of different types I'm gonna pull out this little batch. Right. I like the 80s heavy metal horror film font. It's like chrome-y, airbrush-y. It's also like atmosphere, the board game atmosphere. It's that vibe, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:52:16 I like the artwork. Oh, there's loads of... Actually, you know what? This might be the same but different than that. They seem to be very, very varied in terms of the... Some of them are picture puzzles. There's big ones as well. There's small ones and big ones. Mind Trap, if Art Bragg's peacock laid an egg on Bertha Dribble's driveway in Chicago, Illinois, I would send the police around during the 1930s, who would be the rightful owner of the egg? What? That's the question. Read it again. If Art Bragg's Peacock laid
Starting point is 00:52:45 an egg on Bertha's Dribbles driveway in Chicago, Illinois, during the 1930s, who would be the rightful owner of the egg? This seems like it's a very specific case that they're pointing out. It's a, it's a, and we're meant to get what the legal outcome is. I think it's, no, it's, it's a, a trick question. Why? Because if you know what they are, then there's something that the Peacocks not lead, then there's something that they... Do peacocks not lay eggs or something? Is it one of those? Something like that. They sound like cartoon characters. If Art Bragg, I don't know who Art Bragg is, peacock laid an egg on Bertha Dribble's driveway,
Starting point is 00:53:14 is Bertha Dribble like a club somewhere in an edgy car go? Is it like... I really want to know the answer to this. Is it like a cocktail? You've missed my name for a cocktail? You see what I mean? There's a trick to it. What's going on? What's going on? Why are you trying to fuck with me, game? Well, let's hear the answer, Paul. Come on. Peacocks cannot lay eggs. The ability belongs to the Pee Hen. What? Peacocks cannot lay eggs. In many parts of Europe and America, peacock feathers are associated with bad luck. This is unrelated.
Starting point is 00:53:42 Most ill opinions about peacocks come from the idea that it's brilliantly iridescent tail feathers carry an evil eye. It is a Moslem belief. Moslem? M-O-S-L-E-S belief. Alternative spelling of Moslem. That the peacock opened the gate of the paradise to the devil, making it a bird never to be trusted. What is going on? What the fuck is going on with this? Who's Art Bragg? Who's Bertha Dribble? Does it matter that they are called these names if the peacock can't? I feel like I've gone to sleep. I feel like I've been gaslit by a game. Right, do you want one for me? Yeah. Who's Art Bragg? Who's Bertha Dribble? Who the fuck is Bertha Dribble? Does it matter that they're called these names if the peacock can't?
Starting point is 00:54:05 I feel like I've gone to sleep! I feel like I've been gaslit by a game! Right, do you want one for me? Yeah! That was not very illuminating. Go on. Okay, sorry. I should have brought my glasses. Oh, you haven't got your goggle box.
Starting point is 00:54:17 You've got your spec keys. Come on, love, granddad gets here with me glasses. Oh, where's me glasses? I can't read me books! Only take me glasses away from me so I can't read me stories. I just want to read The Penguin Adventures and they take me glasses off. Are you ready for the question? Mr. Nursey, he smashed him on ground. Mr. Nursey.
Starting point is 00:54:37 He smashed him on ground. That's the real breakout character, Mr. Nursey. He smashed him on the ground and laughed at me and said, you're not reading any more stories. And I had a little cry. I remember about my wife, Bertha. She was light of my life, but she passed away in the 80s. All right, granddad, can you finish your tea? Go finish your tea.
Starting point is 00:54:56 I'll go sleep down in the garden. Let's have Paul back here. On the Google report, you're flying over. Google report. Come on. From statistical records, what is the most dangerous job in America? Statistical records? Oh! This is brain cramp.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I think I might know this. I might be wrong, but I think I might know this. Is it cheerleader? Is it like if you're a cheerleader in a sports team, they have the most injuries or something like that? That's not the answer I have on the card, Paul. Oh! Do you want to hear the answer? Yes. I'm from the card. You're not going to like it. I's not the answer I have on the card, Paul. Oh. Do you want to hear the answer? Yes. On the card.
Starting point is 00:55:25 Yeah, come on. You're not going to like it. I'm not going to like it, no. President. Why? Four presidents out of 42 have been assassinated. Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Is it F?
Starting point is 00:55:39 JFK. JFK, yeah. Oh, well that's... So as a statistical percentage... Really? More than like a stunt person? Yeah, because there must be thousands and thousands of stunt people. Or a lightning mast dancer.
Starting point is 00:55:55 That's not a real job. That's not a real job. I guess lethal is different from injuries. I was thinking like injuries being dangerous. No, it's saying the actual like most lethal. What orchestra device is not blown? It doesn't say most lethal, it says most dangerous. Yeah, it's nebulous.
Starting point is 00:56:10 They're not brilliant at the writing. But they do it on purpose so you can't clearly see what the answer is. Right. It's like this one. What orchestral device is not blown, bowed, plucked or struck? And I would disagree that you... I would say the conductors. Yeah. Baton is correct. And so I would say that's incorrect because they do the whole. They tap and then they do the thing. So they tap in the beginning. Yeah. Tip, tap, tip. Attention. It just makes me think of that
Starting point is 00:56:35 fucking call in with Dave Lee Travis and the baton. He said name and the thing and the thing. And the guy said baton or something. What does it, what he fucking wants. What instrument does a conductor play? Is that it? Why are these ones so big though? That's why I don't understand why we have these great big cards. There's the big ones. Read me a big one. Alright, I'll read you a big one.
Starting point is 00:56:53 I'm struggling. I'm trying to find a shorter one. Read me and moocow creamy over here. Alright, I'll do the old one about the old lady. Here we go. This is quite long. Don't look so surprised said grandma slug. Fucking hell with these names. It's true I lost my hearing but I can read lips so ask me whatever
Starting point is 00:57:09 you wish. Well said shadow. Don't know who shadow is maybe he's a character. I'd like to hear your account of your husband's death. Well it was a breezy day like today and grandpa and me went out on the lake for a sail. The dusk arrived, anchored for the night. I was lying in the aft cabin reading when Grandpa said he was going on the deck for a smoke. He always joked that sailors died with their pants down, but for all the wrong reasons. You know, a few drinks here and there, an unexpected wave and then splash overboard. Just then the groundskeeper started the lawnmower, causing Grandma to shout, they'd better go inside.
Starting point is 00:57:44 As I was saying, oh this is an aside to the story that they're telling, so ignore that bit. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a bit of colour for the story. Grandma then went on to say, as I was saying, when I went up to the deck, he was face down in the water, his pants around his ankles, being deaf, I could hear his cries for help. What you're lying to me, grandma slug, said Shadow. What about, says grandma. And then what do you think? What do you think? She was lying about something about being in the aft deck or oh, no Apparently the bit I said to ignore is actually yeah But it was just the way it was written because like it meant to be like yeah
Starting point is 00:58:16 I'm not reading the whole thing again. It's something about the lawnmower because it's deafening Yeah So she's talking and then it goes and then just then the groundskeeper started the lawnmower causing Grandma to shout that they'd better go inside. As I was saying, when I went up on the deck he was faced down in the water, pants around his ankles, being deaf I couldn't hear his cries for help. You're lying to me, Grandma Slug! About what? Because she said she can read lips at the beginning and that she's deaf, but if she
Starting point is 00:58:40 was deaf she wouldn't have heard the lawnmower, right? That's what it says. Yeah. If Grandma Slug was deaf as she claimed she would not have known to raise her voice above the sound have heard the lawnmower. That's what it says. If Grandma Slug was deaf as she claimed, she would not have known to raise her voice above the sound of the unseen lawnmower. So then if she isn't deaf and probably heard him cry or something. That's a terrible thing. Well I was thinking, he said he was on the boat and he shouted to her going out and she
Starting point is 00:58:57 heard him. It's like, oh no, she would have to have been face to face, right? Because he was outside when he said it. I thought it was something like that as well. Can we have one more card? One more small card. One more small card. One more small card, please, for me. One more general knowledge or something.
Starting point is 00:59:11 In the nursery rhyme, sing a song of sixpence, how many bluebirds were baked in a pie? Four and twenty, which is... 24. You are wrong. There were... None. They were blackbirds baked into a pie.
Starting point is 00:59:26 Oh you fucker! Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye, four and twenty blackbirds baked into a pie. Do you know that the rye, pocket full of rye, that could be, do you know that LSD comes from ergot, which grows on rye? So that could be about drugs, couldn't it?
Starting point is 00:59:42 Could be trippy man. How much, you guessed first on Mind Trap 2. How much do you think it is, bof bof? No, I don't guess first on Mind Trap 2. You do, because I guessed second in the first round, so it's now back to you. Alright. I'm going to now label these so we're easy. Well, it's nice condition.
Starting point is 00:59:57 It all seems to be there. It's got the board. Everything's ready. It's just sort of badly written in a way, don't you think? Yeah, it's badly written. I don't know. It was alright for what it was. Yeah, I was not too happy. How much? Five bucks.
Starting point is 01:00:09 I was going to say five bucks as well. Well, you can copy me. I mean, you should be copying me because I'm on a hot streak, baby. Yeah, but you know, all empires must fall. Well, I don't think... Maybe the Silverman Empire is about to topple. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to win again this week.
Starting point is 01:00:24 You don't know. The Ganon kept causing my driving routes. Without anyone cheating. Right, here's the next item. Oh, this has been 10 minutes. Hang on. Here's the next item. Okay. I actually want to save one of these until last because I think you'd like it best. So I'm going to save that one.
Starting point is 01:00:40 Already he's messing. Look at this. He's messing with the rules, everybody. I'm just pointing out. What's this? Exc's changing the item. What's this Mr Silverman? Exclusively Washington Trivia by Anthony S Pitch. It's a book of exclusively Washington. Is that Washington as in the President or the State? Find out.
Starting point is 01:00:56 Let's look on the back shall we? Jump on the bandwagon and be a Washington Quiz Wiz. Pete you're with there a bandwagon to jump on when it comes to being a Quiz Wiz of Washington? Well, he's referring to a bandwagon. Who are we to doubt, Mr Pitch? That's true. Who am I? Jump on the bandwagon and be a Washington Quiz Wiz. Pick your wits against these one-liners. Oh.
Starting point is 01:01:15 History, politics, scandal, sports and much more. Mr Scandals. Manouche. Manouche. Manouche. Oh, watch out mate. You couldn't make that work, could ya? You tried, but you couldn't make that work. Don't mind if I do, mefanwy.
Starting point is 01:01:31 Mefanwy Manusheite. Um, check your skills as you flip the pages for answers. Try these for starters. Alright. Which three presidents died in the 4th of July? Can't, could not care, fuck you. Garfield. What did Barpe Hope have in common with Spirou
Starting point is 01:01:46 Agnew? I don't know who that is. They both had the exact same flavour of cum. Why was the Project Mercury Force scent stamp produced in such secrecy? Because they don't like the Banqueen. Which president dreamed of his assassination a week before it happened? Teddy Theodore Boussardelle. No, that's the one. Abraham Lincoln? Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. I think that is Lincoln. Anyway. Look at the scandals. There's a segment on scandals. Let's do that one. That's the juicy shit. Is there really?
Starting point is 01:02:11 He said on the back, categories including scandals and stuff. Come on. No, it just goes straight in. There's no... Are they all mixed up then? It's not like they're all set up in categories. Bullshit. Just to go straight to the questions. Bullshit. You want to hear the first question in the book?
Starting point is 01:02:24 Yeah. Who was the model for the statue of a soldier on the facade of the American Legion building at 1608 K Street, North West? Carrot Top. Well, very well done. I think it was Carrot Top. I don't need to look that up because I know that you picked it. No, it's the right answer. I know that, yeah. You look it up, I bet it says Carrot Top. How many times did George Bush fail to get elected to the US Senate? Once. Do you have the answers? Do you know where they are? They're on the next page.
Starting point is 01:02:49 You're just going to read out questions and leave me hanging? Twice. Twice? How many, what was the other answer? Who was the model for the statue of the soldier? Carrot Top. Houlon Witkinton. Whose real name is Carrot Top.
Starting point is 01:03:01 Let me read one out to you. Let me read one out to you. Come on. This is games. We might as well go back to Mind Trap, it's more fun than this. This sucks. Right hang on. You're right, it's just all fucking random bollocks. Right here we go. According to protocol, how do ambassadors rank one another? They go to the sheds and then they stand in the dark. Length of service.
Starting point is 01:03:22 I'll give you a length of my service. How did John Philip Sousa come to compose the Washington Post march? He was asked by someone to do it. Yeah, that's the answer, he was asked by the newspaper. Fucking stupid. Who is Uncle Beasley? Don't ask. He's apparently a 22 foot long fibreglass reproduction of a prehistoric triceratops
Starting point is 01:03:44 outside the Museum of Natural History. Cool, I like that. Uncle Beasley. I like that when dinosaur models get names. Like those wooden animals that used to be in Brent Cross, Paul. I should have had fucking names for them. Mr Smelly Bum. No, that's not the official name is it? That's what the horse was called. Oh here's one. Arse Cavity bum horse bent cross.
Starting point is 01:04:07 In the early 20th century Washington, they were called hurdy-gurdy men. But what were hurdy-gurdy men? That's that Donovan song. Hurdy-gurdy man. Yeah. Musicians. Oof. Oof.
Starting point is 01:04:20 I can't quite give it to you. Accordion players. I can't quite give it to you. Accordion players. I can't quite give it to you. I can't quite give it to you. You've got to think, think, think, think, think, think. Or organ grinders. Oh yeah, but what is it with them? Organists. No, no organ grinders, but what else? What's the little bit of salt bay on the top? Spish, posh, spish that you put on top of that statement. Portable organ, street organ. One man organ
Starting point is 01:04:42 bands. I'll give you a clue. Monkey, organ monkey. Monkey with a monkey. They have to have a monkey with them. What do you call those in Britain? BBC celebrities. Organ monkey men or something. Organ grinders. I don't think we really had them. I don't think it was a UK thing to have a monkey with an organ grinder in this country. It definitely was because there was a pump up in Archway. Monkey in the barrack organ or whatever. The monkey's organ? What? The monkey's big barrel in an organ? What was it? Monkey gland slice in the organ feeders. Monkey scat chug palace. Is that what you want to call it?
Starting point is 01:05:14 You used to be the policeman about this mouth nonsense and now you gaily join with all this chodney and borough. Right, how much then? I get to guess first. Yeah, you get to guess first. I'm going to give this the Washington Wager. Yeah. And it's about Washington, so... Oh, which is quite apt.
Starting point is 01:05:31 That would be apt if it were true. It would be if it's correct. I'm sticking. I'm going to say Fiddy Sense. Fiddy Sense! Fiddy Sense. Fiddy Sense. I'm going to do that. And then Fiddy. Here we go. Fiddy Sense.
Starting point is 01:05:42 Right, next item. Oh, it's a little bit of Obj D'arff Eli to unwrap. Oh, here we go. Fiddy sense. Right, next item. Oh, it's a little bit of object of Eli to unwrap. Oh, here we go. All right. Oh, it looks. Now he's always won over by the Moo Moo Cow Creamer thing. The Moo Cow Creamer. Very good. This is bubble wrapped again. Similar shape, but it looks to be figurine. Do you want to see my Moo Cow Creamer? Pull the other one. Oh, it's got a nice felt on the bottom and a sticker on the bottom. It looks to be a Bakelite figure of some sort or something like that. Bakelite or some other fibre.
Starting point is 01:06:12 Is it an angel? I can see it is a man and he is crossed leg, crossed arms with a ghastly look of approbation on his face and he's looking up and above him is a blue bird, not one that wasn't in a pie. He's looking at the bird as if he's scared that the bird is going to shit on his head, Paul. And there's a, on the plinth that this whole scene stands. He's against a tree and the bird's on the- Approbation.
Starting point is 01:06:39 It's approval or praise. That's what it says there. Well, I was wrong then. I meant- I just want to make sure I've got this right. Approbation. Yeah, no, you says there. Well, I was wrong then. Approval or praise. Right, I meant... I just want to make sure I've got this right. Approbation. Yeah, no, you've absolutely used the wrong word in that sentence.
Starting point is 01:06:50 I would ask you... Well, what is the word? A look of apprehension. I can't even see his face. Apprehension. Show me his face. I want to see his face. It's apprehension.
Starting point is 01:06:58 Oh, yeah, like he's going to get pooed on. That's what... Oh, that's what it says. Yes, I was getting to that. All right, go on then. I'm sorry I misused the word approbation. It threw me off. Okay. And okay and I think for me correcting you brings a lot of joy to me in this I just want to do that I'm fine with public records
Starting point is 01:07:13 I believe language is about communication not who knows the best words anyway what about approbation yeah well very wrong now I wonder about how many other words I've let slip in the past I'm gonna go over every fucking episode of this podcast I I wish you would. And draw you up on every single fucking wrong, uh, lexiconical accident you make. Lexiconical. Lexiconical accident. That's a leader of the Labour Party.
Starting point is 01:07:36 The fanui minuti is what we got going on. Lexiconic. Neil lexiconical. Lexiconical. Anyway, fucking hell, it's getting hot in here, isn't it? Not in the good way, either. It's a sort of sweaty, exhausting way. I've got a nice, like, blanket of heat on my back, which is making me... It's a wet heat that does it. Now, he's looking at the bird with a look of apprehension as if the bird may poop on his head. Why he can't just move is beyond me, but he's
Starting point is 01:08:00 sitting down against the tree and it says, on the plinth on which this whole scene stands, Paul. Yeah, we haven't mentioned the bird, have you? Yeah, blue bird. It's painted blue with the rest of it. I said it's a blue bird that doesn't get baked in a pie from that question before. It's all coming together. I'm doing callback work here.
Starting point is 01:08:15 Yeah, no, it's good. Okay, now. Except they were black birds. That's what I'm saying. Wasn't baked in the blind. Yeah, but you got that wrong. Another thing you got wrong this week as well. Fucking hell, shut up.
Starting point is 01:08:24 Wrong, wrong, wrong. And you're gonna crash and burn this week, I'm sure as well. Fucking hell shut up. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And you're gonna crash and burn this week I'm sure as well. I'm not, I don't think I will. I'm gonna be here to lick the flames. The plinth reads, go ahead dot dot dot. Everyone else does. Oh everyone else shits on me. Why would you want to have that in your house?
Starting point is 01:08:38 It's a passive aggressive fucking ornament isn't it? Why would you want that in your house? Just to say oh you kids fucking can't always shitting on me. But here's what I'm gonna say. And my husband. Here's what I'm taking away from this. Wife. One is, why would you ever want that on display in the home or your office to state, oh, I'm a put upon person and I've realized that fact and here's a piece of fucking obj da to show that. Second of all, the fact that the man won't move shares more about the psychology of the man man and the owner to say Oh, I'm not gonna bother making an effort I'm just gonna let people shit on me then complain about it
Starting point is 01:09:08 Then I can get to complain Then I get to complain about it So they want that power This guy's a cunt Yes This fucking cunt under a cunt tree And I hope that bird does shit on him Paul, there must be something
Starting point is 01:09:17 Might be something else going on here Why? His mouth seems to be open in a In anticipation In anticipation Another A word Approbation It's not Approbation Perhaps he is approbation his mouth seems to be open in anticipation. Another A word. Approbation.
Starting point is 01:09:27 Approbation. Perhaps he is approbation. Approbation. Yes, he is approbation. I was right. No. Go ahead, he's saying. Approval.
Starting point is 01:09:35 Oh my God, I was right. No, you weren't right. Oh my God. You weren't right. I was actually right. You weren't right. He's actually saying, go ahead. As in I approve of what you do.
Starting point is 01:09:43 I'm the one who's man the handle back. It is actually true! It's not though. It's not true. You heard it everyone. They did, you're right, and they also know you're not correct. You heard it. Well, let them be the judge of this.
Starting point is 01:09:55 You literally had to add the fantasy of a bird shitting in his mouth to make your word work. No, because on the plinth it says, go ahead, which is approbation. It's not! He's saying, please, I approve because he's saying please I approve. It's resignation as the same thing I would like to do on this podcast resign from it. Now I quite like this. I like the level of detail, the eyes are in there and it's just nice level of detail on the tree bark and have you seen this Paul? Even on the trunk of this tree it says KP heart QR. Two lovers have put a little love heart with an arrow through. We'll never know who they are. I bet that has something to do with the makers.
Starting point is 01:10:33 Maybe. I like that little detail. Let's have a little look at it. Can I have a little look? Because you've just been holding it too much. Can you read what it says on the box? It looks like a bit of a man's cockshaft as well. I like this item and want to keep it in my home. It says on the bottom, Russ Boutique & Co. Certainly someone's name 1966, 69, 1970. Unbreakable made in the USA. Wallace Berry & Co. Inc. It says.
Starting point is 01:10:58 Wow. I mean, I don't know if it is unbreakable. I reckon I could snap those wings off. It looks pretty tough, but look, it's from this. It's from, I reckon it's from 1980. off. It looks pretty tough, but look, it's from this. It's frothy, innit? I reckon it's from 1980. Yeah, well no, it says here, 66, 69, 70. So it's in early 70s, I would say at least. How much do you think this is?
Starting point is 01:11:16 I actually really like that. That is very kitschy. It is very kitsch. Very kitsch of that era as well. Also pictures of all the items that we're talking about will be on our website and on Instagram. So go to the chiefshop.co.uk for your one stop shop for everything. I have to say, Andy, I do love both these items. The Moo Cow Creamer and the little go ahead everyone else does shit on me thing. They really have some charm for me. A kitch campy charm. Both of these items. Yeah. Plastic. But how much do you think it is though, mate? It's not me to guess this first.
Starting point is 01:11:45 It is. Is it? Yes. Because I guess the quid gambit one last, didn't I? So it's your turn now. And I guess the final one last first. What are my prices so far? OK, so far, you said £3.95 for the Moocow. Wager, Washington wager for the Platter CD. $5 for the board game and 50 cents for the book. So you've got what to play like
Starting point is 01:12:06 at least maybe $16, $6 something like that. I'm going to say, I'm going to say three bucks for this. Three on the nose. And we've got one more item left. Oh, we do have one item left. Yeah, we've got one more. We can go through it very quickly and readjust. No, I'll stick with three. I'll stick with three on that. What are you going to say for this? The pooh-pooh figurine. I'm going to say $2 again. Two dollars again. Two dollars again. Two dollars again as we head into our final item. I think I've saved the last item till last because I think this will
Starting point is 01:12:34 tickle us both. It's not exactly funny or amazing but I just think it's one of those things that brings us joy. Oh it's a Hot Wheels thing! Yay! You changed your fucking tune then didn't you? I grabbed it. Scratchy little cock head. Oh it's part of the... oh. It's like Hot Wheels thing. Yay. Changed your fucking tune then, didn't you? I grabbed it. Scratchy little cockhead. Oh, it's part of the... It's like a Micro Machines range kind of thing, isn't it? It's an action pack, it says on the Mint on Card back card. JPL, Sojourner, Mars Rover. Now I've got a smaller Mars Rover Hot Wheels.
Starting point is 01:12:58 That man in the video had a fucking Mars Rover as well, didn't he? Because he put the Mars bar on his cock and got Rover to eat it off. We were hoping it was that and not something much worse. Gareth- Yeah, it might have been Snickers. That's got nuts on dogs, can't have nuts. Well, not those nuts. Mason- They can't have chocolate. Gareth- Oh yeah. Oh, they can have peanut butter because that's what you sometimes have to spread on your cock, don't you, to get a dog to take interest. I've heard. Mason- Yeah, but you can eat them. You can feed them a bit of chocolate. You just have to look at the graph of how big the dog is and how much chocolate he's getting.
Starting point is 01:13:24 Gareth- How much chocolate is in it. How much chocolate is in it? That's too much work. Just get the peanut butter in, it does the same job. This is a three piece toy. It is. It's the Sojourner Mars Rovers. You've got the rover itself with the wheels and then these other bits that are...
Starting point is 01:13:35 Does it say on the back? Yes. Good. The lander, the Mars pathfinder and the Sojourner... There's three different... What's the last one? So you mumble that with your stupid fucking mouth? The Cajona Mars Rover.
Starting point is 01:13:47 Thank you. Good. This is nice. Can I have a look up close? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's nice. It's very similar to the Micro Machine Rangers of... Oh really?
Starting point is 01:13:57 Cars, just because they're very small versions of huge vehicles. No, that's not a huge small version of a huge vehicle. Oh, I guess they're not actually. They're just... They're in scale. The Mars Rover is about like this big, mate. No, I know. But like, it looked to me like all the other cars would be like, like a micromancheesy kind of size. Like this is Hot Wheels version of that.
Starting point is 01:14:13 If you think about it, that's actually a bigger model because think of that, the central, the Sejourner. Yeah. That's like the same size as a normal... A van. Yeah, as a Hot Wheels van or something. Oh, look. And they come...
Starting point is 01:14:24 But in real life, like I'm saying, the actual object it's based on is only about this big. It's much smaller than a car. There's play action as well. You can take the lid off one of them and fold the little wings up on that. Oh, you can open it. It says, no, I'm not going to open it. It says here, the rover mission to Mars, the Mars Pathfinder spaceship is scheduled, scheduled to land, cushioned by giant airbags on Mars on the 4th of July 1997.
Starting point is 01:14:48 After a seven-month voyage through space, the Sojourner, Mars Rover, both with TMs on the back of them, will drive out to explore the Martian terrain and transmit data and pictures back to Earth. Is it one of the ones that ended up failing? Or one of the ones that sent a bunch of... Have a look at what happened to it. Yeah, because I don't... the name doesn't really ring a bell. Oh right, okay, according to Mr Wikipedia, it was a roving probe sent to Mars in 1997. It consisted of a lander renamed the Carl Sagan Memorial Station and
Starting point is 01:15:18 a lightweight 10.6 kilogram or 23 pound wheeled robotic Mars Rover. It's much smaller than a car. Rover called the Sojourner. The first Rover to operate outside the Earth-Moon system. The mission was terminated in 1998. Next year yeah. Yeah. Broke down. Had its last contact. Does it say what happened exactly? Yeah it goes into the detail of the whole space race kind of thing. But it was remarkable for its extreme low cost relative to other robotic of thing, but it was remarkable for its extreme low cost relative to other robotic missions to Mars, and it was more of a proof of concept for what was to come after. Yeah, because you do get very similar rover type vehicles through the decades following, don't you?
Starting point is 01:15:56 The opening title, sequel to the television series, Star Trek Enterprise, featured footage of the Sojourner on the Martian surface, intermixed with cuttage of other human kind evolution of air and flight. In the 2000 film... Like the Wright Brothers, is that in there? Yes. In the 2000 film, the red planet astronauts stranded on Mars see the Pathfinder and use it to communicate to their spaceship. And in the film, the Martian, the 2011 movie as well, it's also mentioned in there, you get stranded on it, but with it. So there you go. So that's that little toy, but the question is, how much is this?
Starting point is 01:16:26 This has got to be costly, right? I'm not sure. I go first here. Yeah. I'm going to say, so I'm going to swap these around a little bit. Yeah. But I'll do that in the next little break.
Starting point is 01:16:36 I'm going to say for now, four dollars for this. I will say five bucks. Five bucks. I'm going to say four ninety four, nine, four, four ninety five. That's a really strange number. Do you want to pick one of those? Four ninety five. I'm going to say $495. That's a really strange number. Do you want to pick one of those? $495.
Starting point is 01:16:49 $495. Dollar-y-doo. Let's go for a quick roundup. Right, do you want to go through these prices again? So far, you've done $395. Add $1 for the wager. Add $5. I want to take a dollar off that.
Starting point is 01:17:06 Let's go through this first and then get your final amount and then you can adjust. So it's clear for the listener. So 395, then a dollar, then five. So that comes to what? $9.95. And then you've got $4.95 for the Hot Wheels thing. So that takes it to just under 15, right?
Starting point is 01:17:21 Yeah. Then you've got 50 cents. $14.80. For the book. And then the statue was three? Yeah. Then you've got 50 cents. 14.80 For the book. And then the statue was three. So what do you want to amend there? I want to take a dollar off the first item. The Koop Moo Moo.
Starting point is 01:17:33 And say that that was 2.95. Okay, so 2.95. Going down the list, what else have we got? Platters, you said was the wager one. That's the dollar. Yeah, I want to stick on that. The mind trap game you said was five. I want to stick on that. The mine trap game, you said, was five. I'm going to say 350 for the mine trap.
Starting point is 01:17:49 OK. 350. Yeah, and now I'm done. And then Hot Wheels, you're still fine with 495. 50 cents for the book and three. So I've got three dollars for the mug, two for the platters, five for mine trap, which I'm going to bring down to three. Fair, just keep it above board please.
Starting point is 01:18:08 Three, I'm writing three. He's really looking for a win here because I've been dominating. Six, seven, eight. Then hot wheels, four, eight, nine, ten, that's twelve. Dollar wager thing for the book, which is thirteen. You're fifteen on the nose there. For the statue, which I said was two. You said between ten and fifteen, but you're fifty, but you're at the top end of the window.
Starting point is 01:18:28 So just need to be spot on. I just need some of them to be right. It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, nothing really matters. Nothing matters. I know. This doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter.
Starting point is 01:18:39 The importance we put on this is absolutely pointless. Yeah. But we do it because we offer joy and love and and and good times. And it's not it's pointless for another reason. Yeah. Because we don't call them points we call them petwings. Exactly. So everything is pointless on Cheap Show often to a fault. Right, so I get the so I get the points off Grumpy. Again, he's not called Grumpy. He's called Mulchy and again I'm ready to receive major petwannage here. I'm just going to go ask him for us. Mulchy Mulchy if you may pass the answers down today.
Starting point is 01:19:12 Grimel Govel. Grimel Govel. Big tendrils coming down. Oh Grimel Govel. A bit kind of viney leafy tendrils coming down. Oh it's all, there's a sort of visceral smell of earth in the air suddenly Mulchy Well, you got the answers and they're not too damaged from mulchies
Starting point is 01:19:33 Witness the damn this has seeped through a little bit, but it's still very much, you know ready to go Sealing the answers I can see him doing it. Would you like to read the answer? Yes, I think it's only fair, Paul, that I do. Okay. So you can't cheat on them. Right, here we go. Eli's in charge of reading it out and I will tick it off the board. You'll be awarding the betwanges.
Starting point is 01:19:53 I am. Go on. Mukau Crema. Is Eli's empire going to burn down? Let's find out right now. What did you say for the Mukau Crema, Paul? I said £3, exact amount. Dollars.
Starting point is 01:20:03 $3, exact amount. And what did I say? £2.. It is three dollars. Oh and you get a between as well though. I get a between there. So that's one two. You've gone into the lead on the first item. So good start for Gannon. I can smell the smoke in the United Empire. Just a little bit of whiff. Well is that the kindling? I hate to say but it's been extinguished. Is the kindling been... Well, I hate to say, but it's been extinguished immediately. Why? By me getting... What?
Starting point is 01:20:29 Washington's Wager, Platt's Greatest Hits, one dollar. Is it? Oh, that's four for you. It's over for you! It's over for you! The hope has faded! I go into the lead on the second. Now, what have I got? Four for that, yeah?
Starting point is 01:20:40 I've got two. So, all together, you have... No, I've got five. Five, yeah, I've written that down. And you have... Two. Five five two is the score going next one mine trap I said three pound you said three fifty no points for either of us it was four dollars oh it's what my oh no it was five originally oh that's a shame all right next one then is what I've got on this list it's the hot wheel sojourner it is how it is on there I just wanted to say it till last. I said four, you said four nine five.
Starting point is 01:21:07 It is three. Oh shit. Neither of us. Oh, that's better price than I thought it was going to be. Right. This is when the empire is so strengthened. What's next? Washington trivia book, yeah? Yeah, and I said the dollar on that and you said 50 cents.
Starting point is 01:21:22 Oh, it's 50 cents. Is it? Yes. 50 cents. Fair enough. Oh 50 cents. Is it? Yes. 50 cents. Fair enough. Oh, that puts me on 7-2. It does, yeah. Oh, I just can't stop scoring major twannage. What about...
Starting point is 01:21:35 I got the munchies. What about the statuette? I said £2 for the statue, you said 3. How much was it? It was one dollar. Oh, no one gets it then. So Eli wins seven two. That's all right that you did well with the platters it was either going to be the CD or
Starting point is 01:21:50 the book wasn't it? Well there were two one dollar items which is a bit sneaky isn't it? Well then I want four points. No you don't get four points. Four at six to me seven to Eli. No it was seven two everybody. Very close right down to the line. There's a little message on the bottom of this from Andy. That was a good game. The total was 12-50 so exactly in between. Fair enough. I guess he was very literal on that point. Mate it feels so good.
Starting point is 01:22:14 I am on the hottest streak. I knew it. It's a shame you cheated though isn't it? I didn't cheat. Because you saw the answers before I put them up there. I didn't cheat Paul Storff. It's a bit of a shame. You can't even make believe, even when we just had a big rant about how pointless it
Starting point is 01:22:25 is, you can't accept it. I'm owning you on the prize of strike. The recent games of the prize of strike, no one can deny it. I'm absolutely, I'm coming into my own. I mean, it's like a, it's like a, you know. I've been paid off mate, to throw a few matches. I have. Imagine we found that there was some- Mifan we found? What did, imagine Mifan we found? Imagine we found that there was some... M'fun we found? What did... Imagine M'fun we found? Imagine we discovered that there was some kind of Far East gambling ring and they were betting on the results of this and they were paying you off. Someone's getting their hand chopped off right now. That would be funny wouldn't it? So it says here, congrats to whoever won.
Starting point is 01:22:59 Eli won. And hopefully... Only just though, just by one point. Stop! Hopefully you didn't tell each other to fuck off more than 15 times. Have you actually told me specifically to fuck off today? Will you fuck off right now? Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off,
Starting point is 01:23:17 fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. That's it. You've hit the point. I've hit 15. And then we're going to get a check from the people in the Far East because they bet on that as well. Someone's just lost his eyes. Gouging. You're literally price gouging. And that's Cheap Show over for another bloody week. Thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. Those who do get access to videos and podcasts and extra bits and night bussing and all sorts
Starting point is 01:23:49 of amazing extra doodads. Bloody hell. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show is where you want to go if you'd like to donate, but only give what you can only if you can. Close enough. Close enough. The heat on my back from the window. It's putting you off. I can feel the wetness trickling on my back from the window. It's putting you off and feel the wetness Trickling down my back. It's funny Paul because you think that being hot affects your ability to speak clearly
Starting point is 01:24:11 No, I'm just a mouth a mouth mouth twats. Yes a marble mouth gumbel phob Yeah, but because I saw that John Rogers video and he was saying that the heat he was out walking on a hot day He kept getting words wrong. Oh, I was saying it was the heat, he was out walking on a hot day, he kept getting words wrong. Oh, I don't know. He was saying it was the heat doing his mind in. I speak too fast because I'm afraid of you not letting me finish this sentence and get a word out so therefore I fumble over my words. That's what happens.
Starting point is 01:24:33 Right, so. Thanks to the Patreon supporters. I've just done that, thank you. That was the first thing I did. Can I thank them? No. Say something about all of this. Because you're insincere.
Starting point is 01:24:41 My beard's coming back through. You just go, give me the mani-porn, tell them to fuck off. And then you start, are you fucking like. Fuck off. You literally, the minute we're done with it, you coming back through. You just go, give me the mani-pull and tell them fuck off. That's how you fuck off. You literally, the minute we're done with it, you just put your hand down and go, give me a... Actually, I've been supplementing it with this Far East gambling ring. Shocking.
Starting point is 01:24:54 They bet on all sorts of things on our show, mate. I know. That's a bit worrying. Between count, how many times we say fuck off. Yeah, character, when the character says a catch phrase. If a character turns up, and also if the character scores a goal, they get more points. I've heard there's a ring in Russia as well. Russia have a ring of a blue bet on cheap show stuff.
Starting point is 01:25:11 No, there's not. There's not. I'm just saying that's what I've heard. I don't know what you're waiting for. Nothing's happening. Nothing's coming off the back of that fact. OK, fine. Anything else you want to say before we go?
Starting point is 01:25:23 Wait. Yes, we're going to go and now listen to the album and give it the thumbs up, hopefully. We'll listen to our test pressings. And then everyone who has pre-ordered it will get it, hopefully, before August 22nd when we celebrate episode 450. And that's the plan. Also, we have got a live show in October in South London as part of the Cheerful Airful Podcast Festival. Saturday afternoon from 2. It's a 90 minute show and our guests are comedians Nick Helm and Rheolina. Two big names off the telly everyone and they somehow like working with us. And shall I
Starting point is 01:25:57 just give a few spoilers of what we're going to plan or should we keep it all a secret? Because there will be prizes, we're going to give away prizes and we're going to do some old segments from way back in the day. So a lot of people have been asking when we're going to do Don't Get Mad. We're doing it at the live show. Yes, but we're going to use a format that we've used in other places and it's quite a popular little mini franchise within the show. And we're going to use that in the live show, aren't we? We are going to do. No, I'm just going to tell them because I want people to come. This is our 10 year birthday celebration live show effectively't we Paul? That's enough of a spoiler. No I'm just going to tell them because I want people to come. This is our 10 year birthday
Starting point is 01:26:25 celebration live show effectively so we're going to try and cover as much 10 year stuff as we can but basically we're going to do a live interactive Ganon's Golden Quest. So the details we haven't figured out yet. The Golden Quest for anyone who doesn't know are a series of podcasts we've done which are walkabouts where with the Games Master. The Quest Master. series of podcasts we've done which I'll walk about where with the Games Master The Quest Master Timothy P Quest Master
Starting point is 01:26:51 with his chocker yes and he'll be back and so will Sir Fresh One Salty Fresh One and then our guests will be doing some Ganon's Golden Games Classic Challenges that's what we're going to be doing live and some other surprises as well expect Expect songs, expect videos, expect fun. Get your ticket now. Come and celebrate us 10 years at the Cheerful Eiffel Festival. Tickets on the Cheerful Eiffel Festival website, but also you can find the link directly on our main page on thecheapshow.co.uk. And that's it now. That's it, that's it, all done now. Bye bye everyone. Creamy moocow is a sudden, I'm actually doing her from behind.
Starting point is 01:27:30 I'm getting out of here actually. Just looked out the window. Mr. Pogsdy is just staring up. Well, you're gonna do the hand modeling job for him. I don't like it. You're gonna do hand modeling for him? Why is he just staring at me? Why did you let him do that first session of hand modeling?
Starting point is 01:27:42 I needed the money, didn't I? He's obsessed with your hands, that Pogsdy. I'm gonna let him in. No, don't you let him do that first session of hand modeling? I needed the money didn't I? He's obsessed with your hands. That postie. I'm gonna let him in. No don't you let him in. He's paid me off. No don't you let him in. Right ladies and gentlemen we're over this week because I will not have Mr. Postie come in. Get out. No not my hands. No not my hands. Get off my hands. Show us your hands. Just a finger. That is so lame. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. Oh fucking... Not even worthy of a borrow. Oh god, it failed. We failed again. Cunts win.

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