CheapShow - Ep 445: Walk Hard With A Vengeance (Mono Edition)

Episode Date: July 18, 2025

(Mono Edition) It was supposed to be a regular, fun “walkabout” episode whilst the summer sun still shined on London, but one phone call and shocking explosion later, Paul and Eli are running for the lives at the whims of a mad man! Two Hundred and Twenty Three episodes ago, two evil baddies were defeated and now an angry relative wants to play games with the Cheap Chaps. They’ve got 90 minutes to solve riddles, race around Crystal Palace Park, diffuse “bombs” and get increasingly more drunk and angry in the process! Along the way, Eli and Paul will tackle dinosaurs, hunt for a gorilla, drink nasty cheap cocktails and get pathetically lost in a maze! Will the day be saved, or will the CheapShow hosts get too tired and drunk to remember the plot? Think Fast. Look Alive. Walk Hard! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-445-walk-hard-with-a-vengeance SEE US LIVE: Oct 18th @ The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2.30pm, London https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/cheapshow---live-from-cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-18th-oct-2025-tickets Watch Our 10th Birthday YouTube Live Stream! https://youtube.com/live/Z18i8M3Eqac?feature=share And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

223 episodes ago. Mate, there are people coming into our podcast with guns. What the fuck's going on? Who are those two guys? Who's this? Is this Paul and Eli? Yeah, my name is Paul and that's Eli. Well, my name is Hans Hairy. Yeah, what are you going to do? You need to produce Bill Donut.

He's done us wrong and he's got some money. So what? What do you want from us? Unless you produce said Donut, Bill Esquire Donut he's done us wrong and he's got some money Unless you produce said Donut. Yeah, Bill Esquire Donut Yeah, we will be killing one of these motley crew of assorted characters every five minutes Listen, this is my brother palms. Oh, yeah, that's me What do you like to do palm? Oh, I like to take you people Yeah, I like to take you people. Yeah? I like to lick the off the prick. Right.

And then I like to eat the prick. You eat the prick? And that's just for starters! That's just for starters, right? Eli! Yeah? I'm down. Can you see anything?

No, no, it looks fine. The coast is clear, Paul. Hello, little boy. Oh, my God. Oh, look, I caught a fishy. I caught the fishy and I'm gonna eat the little fish. Now listen to me. You listen to me. Yes, what you gonna do? All you gonna do is lie down and die, boy. Oh, I'm gonna eat you.

Paul, if you did have some kind of plan, now be good time. Here comes me. Oh, he's landed on him! That's right, Paul! Give him a... Give him a... Hit him! God, hit him! He's choking me! Quick, get me something to hit him with!

What should I do? Here you go, Paul! That will finish him off! Use that! Wow! I think that worked. Oh, his brains are all out. You two get in. Get in, stand over there! Ruff Ruff.

Hello? What's all this? Hello Bill. We've been expecting you, Ruff Ruff. What's that fucking prick Hans Harry doing here? Well, you didn't expect me to let you take over my patch, did you?

Well guess what? You can have the money. Good. But we're all gonna fucking die. What? Because in about, I don't know, two minutes, this whole podcast and everyone in it is gonna be blown into oblivion. Oh, Brando, what's he talking about? Well, how are we gonna die? What's he done?

Ruff, Ruff, this is ridiculous! Bill, call this off! No, we're all going to Ragn kind of rope or something you can tie together. There's no rope. There's no... He needs anything. Noodles! Noodles? Noodles. There's a wet pack of noodles right here, Paul. Yeah. Look, I'll tie this round, both of us. Right, come on, Paul.

I'll tie this wet. It's an udon. It's quite a thick one. It's an udon noodle. Right, okay. Ten seconds and counting, boys. Are you ready to taste death? Jimmy, we're secure! Blow the hatch! Blow the hatch! Okay, I'm doing it now, you've got to run there. Three, two, one. Goodnight, boys. Jump, jump, jump, jump! HE WHISTLES EXPLOSION SCREAMS

Oh, what a lovely, lovely, lovely day. Hello, everyone. I'm Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman. Here we are. Lovely Crystal Palace in deepest south-east London. And we've long wanted to come to Crystal Palace for an adventure and a day out. And we thought, wow, the weather's good before the summer leaves us.

Let's do another little walkabout in Crystal Palace Park. There are some Egyptian things around here. There's a dinosaurs. Can we see the dinosaurs? Mate, we've got all the time in the world today to have as much fun as we could possibly have and we'll absorb everything. I've got a picnic, I've got a price of shite ready to go, so mate we are gonna be doing topdy besty topdy toody. Topdy toody

besty toody? Topdy toody besty woody. That's not, that's, you're just trying to say words just to fill the time now aren't you? Topdy toody wimpy woody. That's not a thing. That's what the kids say. It's not what the kids say. I'm Riz, so I know what the kids say. You're Chugy. I beg your pardon. You know what Chugy is. That's a slur. It's Nath.

We used to say a kid, a cringe. Chugy. Chugy. Yeah. I don't know why we've got our hands on our hips all of a sudden. I've just realised that as well. I've got a hurty back. I'm just trying to support my back, yeah.

Well, at least all we've got to look forward to today is a lovely lovely calm chill not at all stressful day in the park entertaining our usual what yeah I don't know what that is. That's a zipline over there. I don't know what that is. It looks like a zipline frame. Well we're gonna find out we're gonna find out in a minute. Are we all right? Yeah It's a lady with bread Not the sitcom or the band but just a normal loaf of bread. You know what the band was shit as well, weren't they? Their biggest hit was a version of the the Bee Gees. You don't know what it's like To love somebody to love somebody would you say but can you please get your fucking phone, it's still in my head

I'm sorry Just answer it Sorry everyone, let's get mental to this I don't know who that is Just answer it and then I'll cut it out Hello Hello, is this Eli Silverman? Who's this?

Is this podcaster Eli J Silverman? Of the Cheap Show podcast? Yeah, yes it is, but who's speaking please? My name is Simon and I want to play a little game with Eli J Silverman. I think, I don't know what, I don't understand. Now who are you talking to? This says he's Simon and he wants to play a game. I don't know, it must be some kind of cheapskate.

Oh it's probably a pervert. Yeah maybe it's a Cheap Show pervert fan. Fucking hell there's loads of them. Loads of them. Dirty bastards. They're fucking coming out of the walls, it's probably a pervert. A cheapskate. Yeah, maybe it's a cheap show, pervert fan. Fucking hell, there's loads of... Loads of them. Dirty bastards. They're fucking coming out the walls. Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, Simon, what? Simon! You may remember me as a few years ago you did me the dishonour of killing someone very close to me. No, we don't kill people. So how many podcasts?

How many have we ever killed people? My surname is Harry. Oh shit. Wait, listen. Hang on, what? Sorry. Say your name again. Are you on the phone to him now?

Yeah, I'm talking to him now. Are you talking to him? I'm on the phone! Ask now? Yeah, I'm talking to him now. Are you talking to him? I'm on the phone. Ask him. Right, what do you want me to ask him? Ask him if he's related to Hans and Harry. I'm just going to hand you the phone, okay? Harry, if he's a Harry brother.

Ask him if he's one of the Harry... Are you a Harry brother? I don't know why you are laughing at me. I am indeed the third brother from the hairy brothers. You killed hands and palms a few years ago. He says we killed his brothers hands and palms and he's Simon. Yes. So what should I say to him then Paul?

I'm listening. Listen, I want to play a game with you for revenge of killing my brothers. Okay, why should I play your game? Why should we? We didn't even kill him. Eli killed him. I didn't kill him. I wasn't even there at the time. Excuse me, I didn't kill him.

You did. You fell on him or something. The whole thing got blown up. Well, yeah. Bill Donut's stroke, Hans' hair, he got blown up. But you killed Palms, didn't you? I didn't kill anyone. You beat him to death with the Tony toys. It was you who did it. I was just there. It was you. You used the arg, the wag and the Tony toys. It was you who did it. I was just there. It was you. You used the arg, the wog and the wog.

You fell on him and then I hit him with the Tony toy. Either way. What do you want from us? I want to play a little game. I have hidden six bombs all over the park and you must disarm them within 90 minutes or there will be destruction and death and it will be all on your hands. Oh no, I don't want to have destruction and death on my hands again. I don't want them. Or palms. Are we on speakerphone? Is that what's working now? Yes, yes, we're on speakerphone.

Thank you for putting it on speakerphone earlier so I could hear the conversation. My pleasure, my pleasure. So are you still there Simon? Yes, I'm still here. If you do not play my little game, hundreds will die in your name today. So let us begin for I have some rules. Okay, okay then Simon, yes. We'll play your game. I will give you six riddles. Each riddle will take you to a location of a bomb.

Once you are there you must solve another little riddle to disfuse the bomb. So big riddle, little riddle. And then drink the bomb. Big riddle, little riddle, drink the bomb. Yeah what do you mean drink the bomb? What do you mean drink the bomb? These bombsdle, little riddle, drink the bomb. Yeah, what do you mean, drink the bomb? What do you mean, drink the bomb? These bombs are little alcoholic danger pods. I have hidden buzz balls with bombs attached to them

across the whole of Crystal Palace Park, and it is up to you to solve each one and do it within 90 minutes, or I will set off the biggest bomb and destroy the whole park. Oh, dear. All right, yeah, but how do we know this isn't a big joke or something? Yeah, and why should we trust you isn't a big joke or something?

Yeah, and why should we trust you? Why should we trust you? Why, he could just be some prankster. Yeah. Well, let me give you a little taste of my trust. Whoa, fucking hell. He's blown up the fucking station. He's blown up the whole station.

He blew up the station. I've got shrapnel bits all up in my hair! I've got a big brick right up my bunghole! It won't come out! That would be an actual serious injury in real life. And there would be no laughing matter. Bum injury! The bum injuries are serious!

There, you mean, I see, I mean business! God, he's destroyed the whole station. It was a beautiful old Victorian station. There are people running away and screaming. God, he's destroyed the whole station. It was a beautiful old Victorian station. There are people running away and screaming. Oh, no. It's a very real thing that just happened. OK, Simon.

All right, Simon. We can see you mean business now. What do you need me to do? I want you to head into the middle of the park, where I will give you your first riddle. And then the clock will begin. All right, well where do you want us to go then? Head to what is known as Stone Penge

and I will call you again then. Okay, I think that's over there Paul. All right, well okay, so Eli, it looks like we've got bombs to defuse and an adventure to be had on what was meant to be a chill day. Oh, that's a shame, but you know, I'm up for defusing some buzz ball bums. Yeah, let's get right up in it.

Is that brick falling out of your arsehole yet? There it goes. There it goes. Oh, it took a few things with it too. Right, OK. It looks like a kidney there. A fucking kidney's falling out of your arse. It's dragging on the ground. Oh, no.

I'm going to tuck it back in. Ladies and gentlemen, although we've got a right problem on our hands this week, I guess it's time to walk hard with a vengeance. Yay! Right. We're at Stone Pins. Christ. Oh, I'm knackered from just that walk. Right, hang on. Right. Hang on, he's ringing me now.

He's ringing you now? Well, that's convenient, isn't it? He's got my number. Just have your number. Why did he want to ring me if you had your number the whole way? I gave him my number just now, didn't I? He said, text me lol and a smiley face emoji. Why are you mates with him? This guy's just blown up Crystal Palace overground.

Yeah, and you see all the police and stuff back there. Yeah, what? They're going to think we were involved. Exactly. We've got to clear our name. Yes, but what are we going to do? I don't know. Hang on, hang on. I think we should just go to the police with what we've got, Paul. All right. Let's just, then, let's not do anything.

Answer your phone, mate. Answer your phone. Is my phone still going? No, it's your phone ringing now. Why is my phone ringing now? Because he doesn't want to call me because you've set that up to be something that isn't logical. So now he's calling you. Right, answer it.

Hello, yes, are you there at the stone pen? Now why should we believe anything? Yes we're at the pen. Yeah we're at the pen. But we're going to go to the police with what we've got, aren't we Paul? No, because if you do I will detonate all the bombs right now. Right, right. And you will have... You will die. Right, let our little games begin, Mr Silverman, Mr Ganon,

and see if you can't save some lives for the ones you have lost already at the station. Yes, Simon, we'll do it, but... Yeah, all right, OK. I'm going to send Paul the riddles. All right. And it's up to you to find the location, defuse the bomb and

then race to the next. Guess what? Your time begins now. Right, what do we do? It's off. I don't know. He's sending me a message now. Hang on. Right, here we go. We've got 90 minutes for all of this. Come on. This is my first clue, yeah? Yeah, okay. Right, for bomb number one, here number one here's your clue Eli okay I have legs but cannot walk I speak for thousands but cannot talk I'm a giant but only in eighth place you needn't fear I can never give chase that's what he sent to me I don't know what that means right you got to think about it now haven't you so it's a location in the park.

I have legs but cannot walk. I speak for thousands but cannot talk. I am a giant but only in eighth place. You needn't fear I can never give chase. An eighth place giant? Yeah. So, let's go from the beginning of that. So, I have mouth but cannot talk. Yeah. No, legs that cannot walk, like a table. Yeah, like a... Yeah, something of that. So I have mouth but cannot talk. Yeah. No, legs that cannot walk, like a table. Yeah, like a... Yeah, something like that.

Like a table or a platform. Legs. Again, we're on the clock. You've got to think. Well, I'm not doing very well so far. Get your phone out, do some research. Oh, fucking hell. What in the park is ranked eighth place?

Or in London? Or it's eighth something? Eight wonders of the world. Well it's not going to be this stone pen, which is a kind of brutalist stone edge. It's where we are, we started out here. It's great, this little stone edge. Is it a seating area?

I guess it must be. Yeah, there's benches down there. Oh yeah, there is. We could have filmed there actually. Come on, so I have legs but cannot walk. I speak to thousands but cannot walk like a table thousands, but cannot talk like a like a flag or or

I'm a giant but when you say giant that makes me think of What oh we speak for thousands it could be the dinosaurs, right? Because they represent thousands of dinosaurs. It's no. What do you mean, no? How do you know? Because I'm psychic. I know the criminal mind and I know that's not correct. Eighth... In eighth place. Is it like the running track? Something to do with that.

A loudspeaker. I have a mouth. Think about it. It's giant. It has legs but doesn't move. And it speaks for thousands, but it actually doesn't say anything, if that makes sense. Giant communicative table in eighth place in Crystal Palace Park. Let's see what AI says. Cherish Your Hunt never had that fucking problem with Annika Rice. Episode 119, Crystal Palace Football Club, the beginning. Yeah, that's not what we're going to want there, is it?

Crystal Palace transmitting station! With legs, I've got it! Alright. It's the transmitting station, it's the tower. That has legs and it... The word you're thinking about. It has no mouth, but it transmits. Yes.

Right. So yes, I've got it. So what are we looking for then? We're looking for the big radio tower that's behind us. Staring at us the whole time. Well, I got it. All right, let's go. Is it correct?

I'm texting him to see if it's correct. He says we can go. All right, let's go. Okay, good. So we're off to the BBC transmitter. Now I'm filming this on my 360 cam, but I think the angle is shit and it might crack out at any time,

but that will be available for patrons if it's not dog shit. Right is it still halfway upright on me bag? Yeah. Is it still? Because I think it's at the one. It's going straight up mate. Is it? Yeah. Alright cool. We've got these stairs. Right we can go up these stairs I don't think we can get to the transmitter directly but we can get as close enough. It's just there. It's just there. Should we go just here on the foot of it, sort of up here? No, I think we've got to go up the steps, because I think he's put the bombs right by them as close as possible.

OK. Right, so here we go. Now, look, there's a Crystal Palace map there. Do you think you might want to take a picture of it, see if it helps you? Yeah, that would be helpful. Because Eli doesn't know the lay of the land, do you? You don't know the lay of the land? You don't know the lay of the land?

No. You don't know the lay of the land? I haven't got a lay out of the land in my head, so. Now take a picture, but don't study it too quickly, because I'd like you still to be brain-fresh for every puzzle. Oh, but this is great. I get there's so many locations on this map, it's going to be a real help. Yeah, so that's why I think you should...

Oh, there's another radio tower there, but you must mean this one in the park. Well, this is the BBC one. Oh, yeah? And it was the eighth, I think it's the eighth highest landmark in London. Ah, the eighth? Yeah, something like that. When I did the research for it. I didn't need that bit of the clue, did I?

No. Oh, the dinosaurs are really one good swimmer. But it might have helped you in a search engine. So we've got all the PEL mics on. We're doing this live and real time. Just checking we're still recording, yes we are. That would really fucking suck if we did all of this and they didn't record but they are. We've got my little red light on, yeah we're all good.

We've got little wind muffs on so that should hopefully mitigate some of the windy wind on this day. I'm just editing this photo so that I can read it. Alright but we've got to still get to the location. How long have we got on the clock? One hour, 25 minutes left. Or else he detonates all the bombs he's hidden. All right. Eli is just making some photographic editing.

Right, I've got it. All right, come on, let's build these steps then. Okay. All right. Just putting the brightness up on that photo and so I can see all the locations. I've got a good working map on my phone now. Yeah.

That should give us a little bit of a... How are we going to diffuse these bombs though? I don't know. I think he's going to send us a riddle when we get there and that will help diffuse the bomb and then we have to drink its toxic content to make sure it becomes inert. I love all this park. This is old Victorian sort of stairs and... Well it's very Roman. Oh a CMS isn't it?

Yeah but it was built by the Victorians because they were into that neoclassical architectural style. We talked about this in the podcast a little while ago, it it turned the century when like, well the 1800s, sorry. Late 1800s. Late 1800s, when the Taurians were out there pillaging the whole world and bringing it back. Yeah, the height of the empire, wasn't it? A big chunk of that was the whole Egyptian armour.

Yes. And Roman stuff. Right. This is just such a big project though, yeah. You know, this whole area. I mean, look, there's sphin though. You know, this whole area. I mean look, there's sphinxes there as well on the arms. You know what I like as well, this is Victorian and the bit the stone pen was very much modernist.

You've got eras of architectural style in the park. Right, I tell you what, we'll get up these steps, we'll head to that little hill there and I think the first buzz ball's there. We're very near the bottom of the tower already. Close enough. Radio tower. But I think we're going to need to get... Is that TV or radio? Phone, communications, TV, digital, DAB.

I think it's like a little bit of everything. I know BBC use it mostly, but I also know they've I don't know leached it out to like Capitol or right Absolute Radio or something but yeah it's a huge big transmitter, sobbing transmitter and that's our first location right also so yeah we're out and about we've got these lapel mics on apologies if there's a ruffle and a truffle as we jostle them. Also, you're going to find out how unhealthy me and Eli are as you record an episode all in one go, constantly on the move.

So this will be fun. Another second pair of steps. Right, okay. Let's do it. I think, yeah, it's here. I can see it. He's put it in full public view on the corner of that plinth. Let's go. Exercise. I can do this. Simon Herry, he's going to be defeated today. I just know it. The sun's coming out now. I've got a bit of a sweat on. Don't have any water. Yeah it's here, oh it's here. Mate be careful, oh be careful. Alright here we are, what do we have to do? I don't know, hang on. Look there's the first buzz bomb, get it out, it's in a little box. Right, I've got to get these.

Oh, he sent me another riddle. What do you mean the buzz bomb? I don't want to touch the bomb, Paul. You're going to have to though, it's got the riddle underneath. I don't, I don't. It might go off just in my hand though. Well, eh oh. Right, he sent me a riddle. he says before we can defuse the first buzz... oh what is

that? Buzz ball cocktail, Lotte Collada. That sounds like a porn name actress. It's a buzz ball. Lotte Vagina. Ready to drink, enjoy chilled, 13.5% Volgohol. So I think we've got to share this. How are we going to share them equally? I don't know. Suppy, suppy and then I'll suppy, suppy.

Okay, you haven't got a cold at the moment. No I don't. Just a bit of syphilis. Is that syphilis from your lip? Yeah, that's what I got from you. That's good. You don't get syphilis from me, I haven't had sex. No, I nicked myself shaving and it's become... You nicked yourself shaving your lip? I nicked myself shaving because it caught my lip. I can't tell you how, it just did when I was shaving a little bit underneath there and I caught it. Really? And then it became owie and now it's a bit sore. You've had it for ages.

No I haven't, I've had it like about four days. Anyway, this is beyond the point, people are going to die. Oh yeah, shit. Beyond the point. Give me this, I need to just use this buzz ball. Alright, here it goes. The concept wearing so thin already. Right. I don't understand it. Here The concept wearing so thin already. Right.

I don't understand it. Here's the riddle he sent. He sent a riddle. In 1968, a missionary was captured in the jungle by a tribe of cannibals. Once bound to a state, the missionary began to preach like he'd never preached before. However, his sermon had the wrong effect.

The tribe found him so unpalatable, they decided not to eat him. They did, however, condemn him to death and offered him three choices. Would it be, burned at the stake, thrown into a pit of lions who haven't eaten in two years, or would he choose to be boiled in oil? He had a think and chose one of those three options as his best chance of survival. What did he choose?

Which did he choose? Out of being burned at the stake, being thrown into a pit of hungry lions and boiled in oil. Okay I will engage with this, I just want to make one brief criticism of the card. Yes. It's the Riddle he sent. Yes I know, encrypted text. I understand that. Yes to a to a burner phone. Yes and then we're gonna have to do it. Yeah right one little criticism of it said lions I hadn't eaten in two years. Yeah, I would choose that because the lions would be Exactly the answer on the card. So there you go. There you go. That's your first puzzle done Ah, you can now drink the buzz bomb. Yeah Well, I thought it was a criticism with the way it was written, but it was the answer itself

I tell you what, have you got my mug? I'll just pour it into that and we won't do the mix-up thing You know when I said, I don't wanna do the mix-up thing now Otherwise it just okay to burn. So will you put my mug? I'll just pour it into that and we won't do the mix-up thing. You know when I said we'll mix it up. I don't want to do the mix-up thing? Nah, otherwise it just makes it a burden. So where have you put my mug? It's in there mate. Is it? Or did I put it in my bag? You put it in your bag, it's popping up the thing.

Fuck my lips. But you can drink out of my ice thing if you want. Alright, yeah. Yeah, alright, come on. Halfy, halfy. I tell you what, you pour half of the glass and drink from it, I'll drink what's left in the box, all right? Now, there's 200 mils, so. So just give me 100 of it. Do you wanna have a little sniff?

This is good. We've gotta get these down and then move on. Where are we, mate? Because honestly, there's five more riddles and we've got one hour and 18 minutes left on the clock. What's it smell like? Just smell it, man. So what's it meant to be?

It's a peanut colada. But what's lotta mean? It's there. Oh, God god smells like nail varnish and coconuts. Yeah nail varnish remover. Alright go on I'll let you pour your first bish. Bish bash bosh. It's a load of tosh. Right okay. It's hard to see because it's a opaque. That's about half I can see it. Can you? Yeah I can put a light through it if you want. Yeah please because I want to... I can't fucking see shit in there. I thought I could see it. Alright, there we go. There we go, look that's fine.

I'll drink all of this. Right let's defuse this bottom. Cheers to defusing this bottom. One down, five to go. Oh this is nasty nasty pasty shit. Right yeah that's horrible. What any flavor notes on that Paul? Shit. It tastes like very sweet. It's like a bounty, it's like a horrible... It's bad. It's bad coconut. Bad coconut. Oh, that's really horrid. Guess what, we've got another fucking...

five of these, and we've got one hour, 17 minutes. Oh, he's texting me the next riddle. Argh! I've sent him the answer, and I've sent picture proof that we've... Have we managed to defuse that? Yeah, I've sent him the answer and I've sent picture proof that we've... Have we managed to defuse that? Yeah, I've sent him proof.

That's one of the... Did you finish it? Yeah. Look, gone. Apart from the drips. Put it back in the bag. There's a dog. Better not be Randy. Right, listen, while you pack that away, I'll read out the next clue. Right, ready? Okay.

Inaccurate today, Owens and Hawkins built their folly later graded, preserved not degraded. To find this park you may need to shake up Russia, JC. Jesus Christ. Do you want me to read it again? Yeah. Inaccurate today, Owens, Owen and Hawkins built their folly later graded preserved not degraded but to find this park you may need to shake up Russia JC. Shake up Russia JC. I like your clues thank you Simon. Yes Simon they're very very clever aren't they. That's good so I think I should search for those surnames. Owen and Hawkins. Owen and Hawkins. O-W-E-N. I'm gonna... No, I'm gonna just voice it. Okay, yeah. Owen and Hawkins. Folly.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! What does it say? Hawkins Folly. The quirkiest place you'll ever... Fuck's sake, it's trying to sell me a getaway. It's like a stupid holiday song. Owen and Hawkins Folly. Maybe not the Folly. Put holiday song. Owen and Hawkins Folly.

Maybe not the Folly. Put in, say Owen and Hawkins Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace. See what they get there. As a guess, I don't know what the answers are. And that thing about it being- I've just been dragged along into this adventure. It's Eli who they want. That thing about it being inaccurate

makes me think it's some kind of geographical or sort of, you know, a timekeeping thing or maybe something to do with the Greenwich Meridian. I'm thinking, cause it's, let's see what, if I get Owen and Hawkins Crystal Palace. Inaccurate today, Owens and Hawkins built their swally. Oh no, it's the dinosaurs.

It is the dinosaur park. So where's the dinosaur park? Cause that's inaccurate today because one of the dinosaurs, it's thumb is in fact turned out to be the horn of another species and they put it as the thumb. is that what you're talking about well it's a lot of the dinosaurs that they built for that I totally don't look like any dinosaurs that ever existed right Owen was the guy who built it but Hawkins was the dinosaur expert of the time in the mid 1800s late 1800s early

paleontologists who was like yeah or maybe early 1900s maybe sorry who was like I'll help you build this. However, Russia JC, if you shake it up, spells Jurassic. Ah ha ha! So, where are we going? Where are we going then? You need to tell us where to go. I'm going to consult my map.

I'm going to consult my map. I'm going to consult my photo of the map. Yeah. Here we go. Exciting, isn't it? Now, there's the dinosaurs. Yeah. And we are are we're up here somewhere aren't we yeah we're there. I think my camera's all at skew. Down right down and then just past the

Sports Center we take a right down the middle right down the middle right so we're off to the dinosaur park in Crystal Palace Park I Park. I mean, I started on the Buzz Balls. I started with what I thought might be the worst flavour, so that's something, isn't it? Really? Yeah. Because... I mean, no one likes that, do they?

No one likes... I don't know. I'm not a huge fan of coconut-based alcohol drinks. No, I'm not either. Just in general, really. I like... I like that Coco Donata stuff that you get in those Mugee Mugees. Yeah. You know that? The chewy bits you get in those soft drinks. I know of them.

I've never had them. They're nice. They don't taste of coconut. They've just got a nice sort of texture of fruit flesh. Coconut I'm fine with. They're just coconut and alcohol. I just don't find one easy. Yeah, but it's very much the cheap, girly side

of the booze market, isn't it? Or marketed to girls. It's Malibu, you know. Bacardi Breezers. They have coconut Bacardi Breezers? Yeah, well I don't know if they specifically had that but Bacardi Breezers were all like, I don't know, I'm not going to say tropical sort of flavours. They had watermelon, oh it's windy here.

Watermelon bark Bacardi Breezer. Oh. What time have we got on the clock? We've got buzz balls. Are you feeling a buzz off the buzz ball? Not yet. I mean, I've got that sting of horrible cheap booze in my mouth.

One hour, 12 minutes, mate. All right. Well, just actually, you know what, to be fair, close to one hour, 13. But that's the first one down. We've got five more to go. If they only take 15 minutes each, I'm laughing. Yeah, but depending on the distance

and how long it's going to take us to get from here to there, I don't know where we scattered the bombs, mate. We could be all around this park. Up and down, in and out, up your father's leg and down your auntie's panties. You know what I mean? Why do you keep saying things you've never said before in your life?

These are old, classically established and well remembered maxims of the past. Okay. Like don't forget to put your spoon in the drawer or else you'll take a fork to work. What? Exactly you've never heard of that one. You just made that up. I haven't made that up. You did let's have another one then. All right. Three fish ain't worth fishing for. Yeah. Now you've started to make them up. No, that's a new one. That's like. That's a new one?

I mean, that's a. Oh, an old one. It's a new one. Classic on a spin. It all comes from an old Roman one. Yeah. Which was a. Fishus maximus pishus.

Fishum docum canifum trezum. Exodus o pigi. O pigi. The old pigi. Yeah, that's what the spunk comes out. The old pig eye honker beak. Hey! I think maybe that Coca Cola's coming in. I think it's, we go down this way. Which way? The main? I mean... Yes. Let me just check the map again. This is on a wonk this camera isn't it? Yeah. Yeah bollocks Haven't got time to fabricate. No, no, we keep going down past the pen this way. Yeah. Oh mate. We can't afford to make Mistakes. Oh, yeah, we gotta go past penj again

Stone penj mate. Can you grab my shaft and then just give it a squiggle so it's straight and Then what you want to deal with the camera after that? Then I want you to toss my big cock off until all the foamy man science comes out. It's time for the science bit yeah? Time for the science bit. Hey ladies, time for the science bit. I've come in your fucking eyes. Yeah that's a good one, why haven't we ever thought of that before? So you're having sex with a lady, you pull out and you say time for the science bit and you come in her eyes. I've got to take a picture of this water thing, it's so brutal. Mate, we're on the clock, so you remember. I don't care!

You should care, because there are hundreds of lives at risk. It's fine, I've got this, they're all bloody easy. All these families who are here today having picnics and school days out. There's no one here. Shut up. There's one lady with her dogs. Yeah, and she could die if we don't get these bombs sorted. Look at the state of these steps though.

Everything's very ruinous. Well, I've heard that they're trying to, they're going to start closing parts of this park down bit by bit. Really? To regenerate it. Well, they should because it's such a lovely spot really. I've never been, but there's like lots to do here. It's the ruin, the ruinous actually appeals to me,

but that's my, you know, I know it's not good for... Yeah. The way it's a bit... seen better days. It's definitely seen better days. I mean this little bit in itself, the Stone Pench bit, is kind of like a kind of council estate. Yeah, it totally is. Like a calm space in a council estate. Which is all just concrete. It's a brutalist playground.

Is this Shakespeare or something? No, it must be a local guy. So Joseph Paxton MP, 1803, 1865 creator of Crystal Palace which stood on this site from 1854 to 1936. Oh yeah, the Crystal Palace was here. Yeah. So it's the absence of a huge famous structure. When did it burn down? Because it was only up for a little amount of time and then it burnt down, right? Like the one in Ali Pali, because that opened and then burned down a couple of days later. They moved it from Ali Pali to here or something. I mean I don't know. I hope that doesn't come up. But no I mean like Ali Pali wasn't that open for a few days and then burnt down and then they had to rebuild it again. Yeah. Right is this a big, we still go right up this path ahead of us. Yes we go past the school and things. Yeah because to our left right now there's a tennis court, to our right car park, to our head, big concrete road. To our head. Mate you've got to get away. From your mangle. No it's not these

are old. Your Joe language mangle. Old English maxims that I'm bringing back. Let's hear one more. Never a duck parts his feathers for a beast. Fucking... I'll tell you what. There was a duck last Saturday, it parted its feathers right open for this beast, I tell you. Are you talking about a dirty shit right now? No. What are you talking about? A lady? A duck's feathers. What does that mean?

It could mean you fucked a pillow for all I know. I did. Did you have a rotting session on your pillow? Krusty pillow. Sweet dreams. Sweet creams or maiden bees. Who am I to disagree? You can't disagree. I can't disagree and I won't disagree. Right, well how far are we away from the dinosaurs? A lovely modernist sports centre. A lot of concrete. One hour, eight minutes.

One hour, eight minutes. One hour, eight minutes. I believe we go past and then to the left, to the right. Right, okay. Behind the stadium. Oh, now the Crystal Palace National Sports Centre is to our left here, where there seems to be volleyball courts with sand and everything, which is extremely modern. It's a sport on the

rise are you like is it I don't know but you see have you seen this like on the sand like Olympics when they do like volleyball and like the ladies almost wearing nothing well honestly it's like honestly it's like pole dancing mate it was very much popularized by Baywatch wasn't it? Was it? Yes because they do it in Baywatch and Top Gun. Famous scene in Top Gun. That's all blokes in denim shorts which I guarantee you left a lot of chafing. That's why they called him Goose. Because he's always got a massive chafe on his balls. From playing the old beach volleyball. Now I'm excited to defuse this bomb. Defuse? As well as seeing these dinosaurs for the first time.

I've just got to take a photo of this, it's amazing. Yeah go for it. Where are we on the clock? You know what, when I thought about doing this in an hour I thought that's too much time, 90 minutes. Now I think that's too much time 90 minutes now I think that's not enough time one hour six well one hour six and a half give or take oh there's a little fake road or something maybe it was for a go-kart back in the day, it looks like an abandoned go-kart track down here yeah well swervy worthy that's pretty cool huh yeah there's all sorts of stuff look there's a little graffiti hall of fame looks like as well track down here. Yeah well it's worthy worthy. That's pretty cool huh? Yeah.

There's all sorts of stuff look there's a little graffiti Hall of Fame looks like as well. Yeah and a little five-a-side pitch down there and that woman with her dog still hounding us, pun intended. Now do you believe Stan 1977? I think the dinosaurs are gonna be behind that copse of trees or somewhere in it. I hope so I Hope so let's descend from this place a drone. We're being spied by Simon This is how Simon's tracking us with his drones I'm taking a photo that drone. I know there's the operator. I can see that. It's not Simon. It's just some nice I'm shut up. It's good for the fucking narrative. It's a drone

Right, I'm going down the steps It's good for the fucking narrative. It's a drone. Right, I'm going down the steps. Here we go. So. I took a few photos of the drone. No, thank you. Simon's drone, yes?

Yes, Simon's drone. Simon's drone. Oh dear. I love all these levels. They, it is like a housing estate, isn't it? Yeah. With all the, what did they used to call them? Like pathways in the sky or whatever.

Which they thought would basically the whole... To open up the space between buildings. Well the philosophy was all the cars would be underneath. It's like the Barbican Centre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or where's that place near Swiss Cottage that they usually film everywhere at? What's that space? But you know what I'm getting at? That space. Yeah. The one they're using Kingsman and stuff. It's Rowley Way or

it's the Alexandra Park estate is what you're talking about. Yes. Thank you. Which is less grade two listed. Yeah. But that is unusual for brutalist estates. Yeah. Of the times because it isn't high rise. It's all horizontal. It's all flat lying. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I'm still saying it's a place for people to walk and not drive. Yes. Because the cars go underneath, don't they? They do. But one of my favourite things to do around this way is to walk underneath

of these really long garages underneath, completely subterranean under that whole estate. Always remind you of Robocop or that Verhoeven dystopia. One of my favourite places in London. What the underpass in that housing estate? Yeah basically. Isn't that something like a criminal says out loud? No, someone who's interested in late modernist architecture my friend. Now I don't know where I'm going now. I don't know I said you want to go down this way and you just followed me. You're mate, Simon's tracking us. I'm just going to skid to the bottom of this hill and see if I can spot some dinosaurs. Oh there's a picnic going on over there.

This bit's sectioned off, the chopping down trees. Oh hang on, I think we might be just there. Hang on, there's a little map here. Let's have a little look. Right, I think that's stopped recording. Did it, stopped recording. Did it stop recording. It's starting again. Good. Doesn't show me where I am though. Well. Must be around here somewhere. Oh look I mean yeah why doesn't it show you where you are that's fucking stupid. Well look we can't be too far. Dinosaur lake. Might be dinosaur lake. I think it's dinosaur lake. I think it is, yeah. Here we go.

So somewhere around here. I can definitely smell. I can smell dinosaur droppings. You know that all birds are actually dinosaurs. In the same way that all humans are. Pigs. Apes. Fish. Ape?

Ape, pigs, fish. All humans are fish. Oh, that sounds like conspiracy talk to me. No, because you know fish came out of the water. We descended from fish. Oh, that sounds like conspiracy talk to me. No, because you know fish came out of the water. We descended from fish. Oh, there's some elk. There's a boathouse here. There's a big elk sculpture.

Oh, we're on the green. This is part of the Green Chain Walk, would you believe? So is this it? Is this where we are? Those aren't dinosaurs. Those are big elk. No, that's a great big deer. But I think it's somewhere around here.

Yeah, well it must be right here because we're right on the edge, there's like housing there. Yeah, the avian dinosaurs became birds. Where's me map? Becayne birds. Where's me map? Must's a goose. Yeah but it's a real goose mate. What's this bringing dinosaurs to life? Where are they? We're almost there. Where are they? Dippley dinosaur, Crystal Palace. There's a picnic table up there. What's that big thing there?

Yeah, that's a dinosaur. Is it? Yeah. Is it? Here we are. Oh, Megatherium. Megatherium. It's not.

It's a ground sloth, giant ground sloth. So this isn't dinosaurs, though, is it? No. Although it kind of is, and it isn't. Well, they're prehistoric beasts, but that's a giant sloth. So this isn't dinosaurs though? No. Although it kind of is and it isn't. Well they're prehistoric beasts but that's a giant sloth. And there's island one and two. So we've just got to see if you've got, he wants a picture of a dinosaur mate. These aren't dinosaurs, that's a giant ground sloth. I know. We don't for the drink. That giant ground sloth's humping that trunk. He is, he's fucking grinding it like a pole dancer

making sweet, sweet, dirty money. Megafauna. These are all megafauna, mammals. And there's that Dappliadopolis there. These are some of the biggest mammals ever walked the earth for. Mate, come on, we need to. I there's that Dapleyodopolis there. These are some of the biggest mammals ever walked the Earth for. Mate, come on, we need to. I'm not even more interested in the paleontology around here.

Yeah, but we've got, he wants a picture of every dinosaur and we haven't found one yet. Wait, Crystal Palestine, oh well, nowhere near it. We've got to go back. We've got to go back the other way. We've gone the wrong way. Really? Yeah, we've got to go back and round.

We can't get round there, no. Because basically it's the island just there. It's like a whole archipelago of different prehistoric creatures. We're here. And we need to go. Oh, you fucker. We need to go from here, around there, and then there.

So we've just got to go around this little rivulet there. So we walk past it. That's going to eat into our time. Well. One hour. Really? So we walk past it, that's going to eat into our time. Well... One hour. Really? One hour left. We've only done one thing and we've just spent a third of the time. This is never going to work. It is. We've got to, otherwise there'll be deaths.

And lives at stake. I'm going to go up here in case we can see a dinosaur up here. No, it's there. You're going the wrong way. I'm going to go up here in case we can see a dinosaur up here. No, it's there. You're going the wrong way. I'm looking up here. Hang on. He's going the wrong way. He's not going to find a place up there. There's a path hill way. Let's see what I can find.

You can hear some geese. There's some kids. And there's a path. Descended from dinosaur, of course. I think I might have fucked this. Oh no. Still dinosaur. But we're all fish. Where are the dinosaurs at? Lovely little landscape. Where are the dinosaurs at? Water. Features down here. Pond. This is where I would come to eat my way. I don't know what he's doing. I'm on the top of this hill somewhere. He's fucking saying nothing right now. Top of this hill somewhere. Why can't I find the dinosaurs? Where am I?

Right. I'm coming round a bend here. Looks like they're doing some work. And there are the stairs down from where he's been. Gotta go this way. Eli! Where is he? Eli! I can't see any dinosaurs either. Let me... Oh we're back where we started. Where is he? We're back where we started. Where is he? We're back at the sign where we started.

I'm going to check the map. City mapping. Oh no. He's going to fucking toss this off because he can't be so hot. Tell me a walking route. Eli! Hopefully. Right, so the dinosaurs. Crystal.

Right, I'm going to call him. Alice. Park. Right, I'm going to call him. Alice... Park... Right, where is he? Dinosaurs... Where is he? Oh, he's calling me now.

Where are you? I'm down where we started. Come back where I was. I found the dinosaurs, they're right over the hill. Yeah, OK, I'm coming up the hill. So come up that little hill and then... I'm coming up the hill. All right, come up the hill. Yes. All right, quick. I'm coming up the hill. So come up that little hill and then... I'm coming up the hill. All right, come up the hill.

Yes. All right, quick. I'm coming back to you. I'm here, I won't move. What? You'll see me. I'm coming back. Okay. Come back to that stone bridge and you'll find me, easy. All right.

All right, see you in a bit. Right, so that's gonna eat into time. Right, cause I've gotta... Where is it? We've gotta go... In is it? We've got to go... In the little wooded bit now. Well, that makes no fucking sense. Really, am I going down that way?

I'm looking stairs. I'm retracing my steps here, but on the hillside. I'm going to go back up the hill. Apparently he's found the dinosaurs, everybody. What did he do? This shouldn't be this fucking hard. They're dinosaurs. They're big.

They're big dinosaurs. Pigeons. Where are ya? I'm on top of this. Where is he? Feels like an embankment. This way. Where?

Up and over and down across the bridge and then we're there. This is where we are. We need to go this way. I might have unnecessarily ran up a hill there's no bridge, yeah. Right, okay and there it's... Is this Dinosaur Lake? Well, looks a bit dried up.

Ooh, limestone and coal measures cliff. We can go across these bridge here. Oh they built strata to demonstrate. Did they? Geological time yeah. They made a fake. Oh is that what this is? This fake wall thing of? It's a strata. I love a good strata. It's a fake strata. I'm across this bridge. That must be... Oh, I can see a dinosaur! Where? Where? On the left. There! That's it, I'll take a picture of that and that'll be good. We'll take on this bench and have a... They've got the bench. Yeah, I'll take a picture. Oh, look at these! They are great. They're big T-Rex or something. I love these. Oh, it's... Mum! Mum! I just called you mum! Mum, we can sit on this bench.

Yeah, Mum. I'll take a picture and send it to him. Yeah, Dad. And he'll send us the code. Cool. Okay, one sec. I'll get the buzz ball out. Get it, fight ya out. Right.

Okay, and I'll take a picture of this one. Oh, this is good, isn't it? That one on the left, get that one, because that's the thumb one. I've already got it. Bosh. That one on the left, get that one because that's the thumb one. Bosch. Has he got a spike on his thumb or they took it off? No, they have a little horn on the thumb. That's about it. Right, oh, okay. He sent me the next riddle.

Where's the bomb? The buzz ball bomb? It's right there. Get it out and I'll get the riddle. I find that fascinating because it was... Oh you know what Paul... We haven't got time to smell the roses. We haven't got time to smell the roses mate, we're on the clock. I have to talk to you about something. What? It's to do with your area of expertise. Rimming. Shall we go for the next one that's going to be even less first quenching than the last one? Or do you want to do a first quenching one now?

I don't know what everyone is left here. Is there ever one Simon has left here? Yes, say what Simon has left here. Simon Harry. Alright. Okay. Choctees. Oh God, let's go. Alright, fine.

Choctees. Here's the puzzle to dissolve. George said, George could go. Alright fine. Here's the puzzle to this all. George said, George could see the finish line. Start again. George could see that the finish line was near, and with a burst of speed he passed the others and won the race by several feet. Although first prize was a £1000 and a beautiful glass trophy, George never received either. Since George didn't test positive for any drugs and he wasn't disqualified, why didn't he receive the money and the trophy? Because George was the pace setter. What does that mean? Someone that you send out. No, is the

answer to that. Okay, read me the question again. George could see the finish line was near and with a burst of speed he overtook the others and won the race by several feet. He won it? Yeah, the prize was £1000 and a beautiful glass trophy but he didn't receive either. Although he didn't test positive for drugs and wasn't disqualified, why didn't he receive the awards? Heart attack? No.

Well, he wouldn't have got the trophy if he'd died. No he wouldn't if you're right, well observed. Well, so there you go, so I've solved it. But that's not the answer on the clue. You're going to have a clue. And he wasn't the got the trophy if he'd died. No, he wouldn't if you're right. Well observed. So there you go. So I've solved it. But that's not the answer on the... You'll have a clue. He wasn't the pacemaker. Was he human? Is George human? Well, was he human? Was he human? He's a rabbit.

No. He's a turtle. Think of an animal that might actually win a race. A rabbit? Yes. How many rabbit races do BBC sports show? There's rabbit 100 metres on Sunday. There's one man in his rabbit. What animal was George? A parrot. There's no such thing as a parrot race. Think of a

normal animal. A dog. He was a dog. Close but not a greyhound. Name another popular animal that you would race. A horse. Thank you. George was a fucking horse. Now we can defuse the bomb. Oh fuck off. Right, let's get your drink out, I'm gonna defuse this. This is Choc Teas. What does that fucking mean? A tasty mix of vodka cream and natural flavours. Tasty chocolate cocktail with vodka cream and natural flavours. It can't be as bad as the Pina Colada. I can't get it open, I've got no nails. I have no mouth and yet I will scream. Let's have a niff report. Niff report on bomb number two.

Chocolatey? Yeah, it smells like Baileys, but like budget Baileys. Yeah, but it's not as disagreeable on the nose. It's still quite- Not as the last one. It's still got quite a strong ethanol. I guess it is quite boozy. Yeah, cause it's 13% nasty.

13% nasty. You're 100% nasty. Oh yeah, baby. Now that dinosaur famously had a big pointy claw, thumb claw. Yeah. Which they found out in later years, from more advanced paleontology, was actually the nose horn of a guanodon. Cool. Oh you can see a bit more in this one that's good in it. Yeah it's perfectly. Right let's down these and move on to our next. I'm not downing it.

I'm sipping it. I don't give a shit he can blow all the cunts up. I can't be blamed. Neither could John McClane in the film really. You know what I mean? Yeah but a man with a nice moral code would do what he can to save lives. He was bombed in a school and no one knew what school it was in. I like that one. It's more palatable than the last. It's definitely like a, it's like a market stall Baileys. Yeah it is, it's Poundland Baileys. Yeah but Baileys is Poundland. You know Baileys is Poundland Baileys. Yeah but Baileys is Poundland. B&M. You know Baileys is Poundland Baileys. Yeah that's true. It's not an expensive drink Baileys.

No. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I think that's quite nice. Very sweet, not very chocolatey. Oh have you got any wet wipes? Nope.

I've got sticky fingers. Yeah. Right, I've sent him a picture of us defusing the bomb. He's going to give us the next... Fuzzball. The next one, the next puzzle. Right, here's clue number two. We've got fucking 50 minutes left.

It's not going to happen. Oh no, this is our third one actually. Yeah. Okay, far away from the Sphinx, conspiracies of portal surround her. A painted face, a hole in her back, the wind carries her voice. What do you think that might be? Face away from the Sphinx. Right, there's a Sphinx, so...

Conspiracies of portal surround her. A painted face, a hole in her back, the wind carries her voice. Wooo! Pigeon bastards. Now I have got a proper good sweat on in the crotch. Time portal conspiracy theories, Crystal Palace Park. What have you got, what have you found? Well Crystal Palace Park doesn't have widely known official or mainstream time portal conspiracy theories. It does have a history in time with legends, myths and a few unusual occurrences

here we go that have fueled speculation and imagination blah blah blah it's not that one, it's not that one dinosaurs it's not that one symbolism, spiritual significance unexplained events

how about you type in lady crystal palace? Lady hole. Lady hole crystal palace. Type in lady hole crystal palace. See if that helps you. Here's the clue again. Face away from the Sphinx, conspiracies of portals surround her. A painted face, a hole in the back, the wind carries in... The hollow lady! Yes, it's the hollow lady. Does the back, the wind carries in the... The Hollow Lady! Yes, it's the Hollow Lady! Does she whistle in the wind? Whistle in the wind like a brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Get involved. I'm getting involved. Give me that ball.

There's children over there. Stop swearing. Have I ever said anything in 30 seconds and you're bellowing like fucking David Bellamy on crack? So could you please... You know what I'm going to tell you what the Hollow Lady is because you are just a waste of my fucking time. The Hollow Lady...

Does she whistle in the wind as she works? ...Pallas. Can you... Can we plug up the hollowness with our man-chained... Lady. Does she whistle in the wind as she works? Palace. Can you, can we plug up the hole in this with our manchade? Directions. Can my manchod fill up the hole of the lady? You know what, as we drink these buzz balls, this is going to get worse and worse. Because I'm starting to lose the will to even fucking do anything. We've got to go back the way we came.

Alright. We're basically going back to where the transmitter was. Okay, give me a sec. But we're booked to the left of it. Alright, so straight back the way we came. All right. We're basically going back to where the transmitter was. OK, give me a second. But to the left of it. All right, so straight back the way we came. Basically, yeah. So we can get a wiggle on, because I know the next one isn't going to be as far a distance between that

and the- It'll be closer to that. Yeah. How do you know? You are Simon. You are Simon. Come on, boys. We're halfway through if we get there in the next 10 minutes,

which is possible. All right? There's your thing. Oh, on a bench by Bill Sirrett, 1934 to 2015. Loved and missed by his family and friends. Bill Sirrett, bless you. Right, so what's the quickest way there, then? Where are we? Oh. Hopefully... moving forward, the buzz balls will be more refreshing unless I go for

the espresso martini. It's there so let's get directions. What does it say the walkers? That way. How long? 12 minutes. I've got a sticky hand. Yeah I don't have any wet wipes mate. I don't have any wipes full stop. Try wipe. Oh look there's a Mosasaur thing. A what? A Mosasaur, like a Loch Ness monster thing. Oh aye. Oh yeah a Plasiosaurus or something innit. Right come on. We can do this in ten if we get a wiggle on. Which he doesn't, honestly. This man, I'm going to do it in a minute, this man wants to do a Sportsday episode and yet look at him dragging his feet like Bobby Hobbit. Look at that dinosaur over there, yellow necked metal beast. That's a piece of equipment. Look they've got one of the old dinosaur stone heads. I love that. Can I just get a quick shot of that? Hurry up, then, cos, honestly, mate, we're on the clock.

I would like us to give a fuck about my conceit and the effort I put into this week's episode, such as it is. Well, there's a college here. Couple manor college. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's still Palace Park. park. Christ really fuck me. We're winding our way back. Right. It's the Hollow Lady. So where are we? We are here and we've got to go... Pass the station, okay. Yeah, up this road and then straight on till sunset. Right.

We're 11 minutes away, mate. Come on. Yeah? This is the pace I'm going. Why? I've got a hurty back. Mate, you are... You're in such a bad health condition. Here we go. Okay, but...

I hurt my back playing frisbee. Do you do regular exercise like that, Paul? No you don't. So fucking shut up. Mate, you throwing frisbee as you're standing alone in the park, tossing it in the air and grabbing it. No with my friend. Yeah your imaginary friend. Who I play sports with. Imaginary friend. You've got any friends you play sports with Paul? No. So shut up with the health tip you dickhead. I will fucking own you. Here we go. And yet every single time we do anything that exerts any kind of exercise on these things you literally drag your feet like a child.

No I do not. Who wants a fucking sports day fucking mug from his mother. I will fucking own you. You say that but you've never given me any fucking proof. You couldn't even do 10 press ups. That doesn't mean anything. What does it mean, what? It's not, that's not a test of physical ability to do press ups then.

Is that what you're denying? What I'm saying is right now, doing ten press ups after we've already done this fucking walk is a little bit... I'll do them. Fine, go on. Come on, we'll do ten press ups. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

No, you're not doing it. Why? I'll do ten press ups if you can do the rest of this thing in the next hour. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it. Well there you go, shows that I'm wrong and you're wrong then doesn't it? I just want to challenge you to do press ups. You can't do them. so don't attack my health. Lazy bollocks.

It's the same every time, you have this fevered imagination version of yourself that is unfallible. Not infallible, I'm just not in that bad physical condition. Yeah, but you're worse than you put out. Where are we? Right, we're not too far away once we get past the train station and all the rubble and fire. It's about a few minutes. Yeah, Christ. All the police are there. Are you out of breath a bit there? What? You're a little bit out of breath are you? No. My problem was trying to breathe and do

a long sentence at the same time. Right. Look at this hollow lady. We're going to find out, aren't we? Basically, from what I understand, it is a statue that was put up a long time ago. And why does it whistle? Well, because someone took its head off years ago. No one knows why. No one's even sure who put it up there.

And it has this weird hollow hole in its back. And when the wind passes through it, it sounds spooky. And every now and then someone comes along and puts a weird spooky head on the top of it. Right. Cool. And some people, and by some people I mean not well people, believe it's a portal to the next world or one of the many...

Portals in London. Apparently. But it's not an official landmark in the park so to speak. I mean there's I don't know if it's on any maps but basically if you want facts about this area then it's going to be on one of those. But when you say no one knows who's put it there or why do they think there's no records basically who's put it there or why, do they think it was put there? There's no records basically. Yeah, but it must have been put by people who were making the parks.

Yeah, you'd think so, but over time with things collapsing and breaking and rebuilding, it's like, who knows who slapped it up there and then forgot about it and didn't record the whole issue. Right. Five minutes away. We can probably see it soon. Where are we on the clock? 42 minutes.

It's not going to happen. I think we've got to go in here. Walking past Canada gates. I think it's just up here. I'm going to turn left in a minute love, can't see it. It's saying we can get it from outside the park and come back in again. Yeah, so let's do that. Otherwise we've got to go all the way up to those steps and over and that's just going to eat into the time. But I think it's just up there on that ridge.

Oh, it's a car boot sale. Is it on now? No, when is it? Every Wednesday and Saturday, Crystal Palace Boot. Antiques, vintage, retro, mid-century, and contemporary, between 7 and mid-day. Well, we've been talking about it for a long time, doing it on the pod, mate.

That's true. That's true. Probably be easier one up near where ours is your way, though. I don't know of any many up my way. There must be some in here. You're right, there must be. I just don't know of any. Pen my way. There must be some in here. You're right, there must be, I just don't know of any. Penj, that's an actual place in London.

Yeah. Is that why it's called Stone Penj then, you think? I think it might be a little bit of a punny thing. Stone near Penj. Right, okay. There's some breeze. Okay. This is welcome. Two minutes.

Oh, this isn't... He's fucked this. Okay. Re-entering the park. Turn left towards Upper Terry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. We got it. Yeah, we got it. Up the hill. We got it.

Oh, okay. Honestly, I'm the only one who wants to make this happen. Is that it there? Yeah, fuck it. There, I see her. There she is. Let's just have it under her rather than go round.

But why don't we send the picture of it to Simon, he's happy. So let's not go round. Is that really? Or is that just Paul being a little bit tired? No, that's me going, let's keep the stakes of this conceit up. Because you've got 40 minutes left. I see that there's some sphinxes. Is that her? But there seems to be... I don't think that's her. It is because she's got a painted face now. But there's something similar along further along. You see that?

It's not that one. Okay. It's definitely this one because I think it's got the painted face on. Yeah it is in fact. Oh shit. We're to the east of the radio tower. When you do some... Oh shut up. I've closed that down now bollocks dear. Just 10 meters further along is the Hollow Lady. I don't think that's the Hollow Lady. It is. The picture matches the website. I just double checked it. What's her face though? It's painted face like I said. Oh come on, get the angle here. Has she got a robot head on?

Yeah. Cool. Right this will do. Oh look I've sent the message and his drones come. There's the next bomb. Get it out of your, I've sent the message and his drone's come. Zzz just take five minutes because I'm gonna vomit. We haven't got five minutes we're on the clock. You said you were good for this. Bill and Ben were playing tennis. They're the flower pot men. Yes Bill and Ben were playing tennis on the club's only clay court. They played a total of five sets with each of the winning three of the five sets. Oh no you know I'm getting confused now I'm starting to look up clay tennis court on the... No, this is the thing.

Right, listen to it again. Bill and Ben were playing tennis on their club's only clay court. They played a total of five sets, each of them winning three out of the five sets. How is this possible? How is it possible that they both won three out of the five sets? That would be six sets won. How is it possible that they both won three out of the five sets? That would be six sets won. Now they played a total of five sets with each of them winning three of the five sets.

They were in doubles teams. Bang, spot on. Open up the next one. This is what, number three? Can we have something a bit more refreshing? I'm going to save the... Whatever Simon's dropped on his drone. I don't know what he's done. Oh God, there's nothing refreshing in it. Wow, look at the sweat on me. I've got tummy sweat, pit sweat, back sweat. Back sweat to the future. Poor star martini, that's about the most refreshing one we've got. That'll do, stick it in. The

quicker we drink it, the quicker we can move on. which is give you oh hang on he sent me the puzzle next already oh can I have a picture of it with you that one there we go sorry these buzz balls I did a bit of research and it says on it women owned so they are feminist alko pops 35 minutes we're not gonna do this right okay next puzzle just get in touch with Simon asking if we can have a little bit of extra time we're doing so well so far. Let's see what happens when we get to... I'll ask him when we get to the scape... Next part. Fuck. Clue.

A bowl but not for food sees more pigeons than hawks. 1977, it earns its medals. A place to travel as if on ice. A skate park. Is correct. Is there a skate park? There is a skate park here. Ah, man. Yeah. More pigeons than hawks, as in... skate park is correct it's a skate park there was a skate park here man yeah more pigeons and Hawks as in Tony Hawks the skateboarder okay see what I mean I did

there I mean that Simon did there in 1977 it was one of the places where people won the first skateboard award or something like that has a yeah it's quite a famous late 70s with the height of the skateboard boom yeah and then there was another one in there with the extreme of the skateboard boom. Yeah. And then there was another one with the extreme sports in the 90s, I guess. Yeah, we've got 36 minutes. It's not going to happen. Get that porn-style martini down here.

Is that better? A bit better. Sweet? Yeah. Getting any passion fruit? Tangy, but they've all got the same ethanol-y. Yeah, I mean, there has to be some heat from the ethanol because it's 13.5%. It's recording again. same ethanol-y? Yeah I mean they've got, there has to be some heat from the ethanol because

it's 13.5 percent. Recording again, good for that. Nasty pasty. I mean it's the fruitiest of them all so far. The problem I'm having is that I'm getting the remnants of the last two buzz balls in my eyes. Remnants, sticky remnants. So I'm getting a little bit of collada coming in. It's sickly. Yes, they're very female coded, these, aren't they? Whatever that means. Well, they're made by women.

And whenever you see people drinking these on public transport in London, it's always young women of colour, it's who I see drinking these buzz public transport in London is always young young women of color it's who I see drinking these buzz bombs on buses you know that's the palace skate park I'm not listening to you why don't you listen it's a 15 minute walk from us in this direction fuck that fuck him although that's if we just go by the path if we cut across let's cut across literally direct diagonal past that big block of flats we'll find it we were there by the path if we cut across. Let's cut across. Literally diagonal past that big block of flats, we'll find it.

We were there at the foot of that block before, weren't we? Which is weird to have a block of flats almost right in the middle of the park. I don't think anyone lives in it though. It looks quite abandoned now. It does look though, doesn't it? Well, it's not very convenient for anyone, is it? Not really.

You have to walk out of the park to get to the shops. Go on, get going. Hang on, I haven't finished this. Down it, down it. Give it to me, I'm putting it in the bag. Finish it. I finished it. I've already bottled it down. Closh, closh, bish, bosh. You didn't, you just threw away half a sip. Mate, the camera will prove it. I'm filming the whole show as we go. Why are you doing that then? To get the flits out so it doesn't leak in your bag. The flits

and drips of it out so it doesn't get in your bag. Drips is the word you want. Yeah but flips is nice, get a few flits out. Flits across her tits. Right across her, dirty, dirty, dirty melons. Right, come on. Hang on one sec. We haven't got time to hang on one sec. I failed.

You haven't failed. I failed. I've already failed. You haven't. Come on. This is a real time episode as well. You know, real time episode. People are on the edge of their seats listening.

Not gonna be on the edge of their seats if you're like, ah, fuck it, fuck them. Just ask for another half an hour, which you're gonna have to do anyway to make this work. Well, then it's fine then, we've got time, don't we? No, we don't, come on. I would like, I'll listen to you, on the edge of their fucking seats,

listening to this. They're never gonna be on the edge of their seat. No, not if this fatty mc sit down fucking, sits down all the time. They're totally on the edge of coming. I'm ready to go, you see me, I'm fucking full of energy and you're like, can I have five minutes? I'll destroy you in a fucking sports day.

Oh God, you're such an idiot. Destroy you, embarrass you. You're not, you're such an idiot. Embarrass you. You're not. I'm gonna absolutely embarrass you. At the moment you probably could win because I've got a bad back. I've got a bad back. The lack of sympathy. I've got a bad back. Yeah but it hasn't been playing up has it? Yes it has. Has it? Yeah. You know what I like doing? I just don't over share. You know what I've found? I know you say you like a bath. A bath does help me yes. I find if I get the hot on in the shower and I bend over and I sort of put the shower so it's hitting that spot that hurts in my back. Oh really?

Yeah. It's a muscular thing. My shower's shit though with absolutely no pressure. It's one of those taps you turn and it comes out of a fucking shitty spout. Yeah, like an attachment like most people in Britain. Yeah. No, I've got one of those as well. No, but there's no pressure to it basically though.

Yeah, but I think that pressure to it basically though. But I think that's more to do with the pressure when you force it than the... Well yeah, exactly, because you have to put a special bong hole in the pipe to narrow the... To make the pressure higher. Pressure. Have you ever got the bong hole thing? No, I do. You can only put so many in and then you just can't use it.

Oh, I see. So you can get the tightest, you know, rubber washer. The tightest bunghole. You get the tightest bunghole, mate. You have to push your thumb in it. You feeling those buzz balls at all? Yeah. But I'm also very aware that I might be sweating out the alcoholic effect.

Which is good. I'll tell you what, mate. You know people say they're often hounded by the black dog when it comes to depression. Yes. Can I just say right now I'm hounded by the brown dog. Do you know what I mean? There's a great big fucking Labrador. German Shepherd. German Shepherd growler.

Banging on my cat flap. Oh mate. It feels like every time I walk I'm chewing on it. Anyway, here's a man in a truck with a helmet on. It's exciting isn't it? We're back here again. We've been to the thing. Should have just made this simple and not so much distance between the two locations, but here we go. That way! Back down these fucking steps again. She looks like an ex-girlfriend.

Right. Here we go. Brown flag ahead of us. Don't know if anyone lives there. Maybe they do. I bet we have to come up these steps for the last one. No mate, spoilers, we're done in this area now. We're done going up and down these fucking steps. Yeah, but this is definitely going to halve our travel time by going across.

This is like the centre of the park, these steps. What a great park, isn't it? And it's not not really busy it feels like it's sort of underused almost you know. Well I guess it's not a very popular part of London comparatively you know. Comparatively yeah. Like to Regents Park or Hampstead Heath which is always teaming. Always but then it's local in terms of like it's in the centre right so you kind of have to go out of your way or live Locally to get down here. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so Benefits us because look how lovely it's lovely. Yeah, okay. Although the grass is very dry here. Well, it's been a heat wave mate. Yes

I'm also aware of that coming up to this block of flats Strangely planted in the middle right the park and the skate park's behind it somewhere. I think we can't go directly through so we might need to just dip around this little path here. Let's stick on this path and go round. Let's see if we can cross cut. Yeah, because this might help take some time off the clock. If we cut across, yeah. I'm going to text Simon now. Hang on one sec.

Simon, I'm just texting it. If we get to here soon, can we have an extra half an hour? Why are you speaking out loud as you text? Because it's an audio podcast, isn't it? What do you want me to fucking do? In fear via the thumb tapping sounds? I reckon we're going to win another award, our podcast, Paul, you know that?

What, for most attractive? Most accurate depiction of telecommunications technology? No we're gonna win a podcast for most thrilling audio adventure Oh is that a pint of milk? I thought it was a pint of milk No it's a sign isn't it? Looks like someone's torn down the fence here had this idea before A little Milky Woo I'm gonna yov You're not gonna yob. We yob. Funny isn't it? Oh it's nice and... here we go. Straight through round here. Oh there's a swing there. Swing! Oh

he just looked at me. Oh dear. I said it too loud and now he looked at me. Has he got a dog on his swing? Maybe he's going to hang his dog. Oh no, his dog's using the swing. He's going to hang his dog. It looks like he's hanging his dog. It looks like he's hanging his dog. It does, it looks like he's hanging his dog.

I know the dog's biking on it, but at the same time it looks like he's hanging his dog. Yeah, it does look like he's lynching his dog. He's not though, everyone. He's not though, everyone. He's not though, everyone. Let's just make that clear. But it does look like there is dog murder going on over there. Where is it? Still straight ahead?

Straight ahead almost, literally. Well, that cut-through worked. Yeah. Because it says it was like 15 minutes did he use the path. I mean, there's going to be a little lake here and at the tip of the lake. We've got a bingo zingo. Well this is like a different area of the park, it's more sort of hill and dale.

Yeah, a bit more leafy. More leafy. A bit more leafy. More shade around here, nice. Right. Still see the sports centre over there. Closed down to one fucking thing I shouldn't have closed down. Right, three buzz balls to go.

Right, okay. Here's a little copse of beaches. Or ash they might be. Twenty-five, twenty-six minutes. We might, we might do this. I don't think so. We might do this. At least I'd like here to be able to do this

because it's thrilling isn't it and people listening go well they fucked the first 45 minutes. What's that big rusty thing? I'll tell you about it later nudge nudge notey notey bong bongs. I think that's gonna be one of the other clues. It did look like he was hanging his dog though. Corten steel, rusty steel, total structure. Chaffed time, oh god. The analogy of it being like sandpaper is overused. That's fucking accurate.

Right, where are we? Oh, oh. Back on the path. There's one thing I fucking hate about Google shit. What? All the pointless, hey I'm here to help, do you want this? No you're cluttering my screen. Hey what about this?

No you're cluttering my screen. What are you trying to say, go to McDonalds or something? No it's like hey this map will put us AI blah blah blah. It's on every app, it's on every platform now. They're just giving us the AI assistant we don't want. And it's also, it's pointless AI, you know? I don't know, I found the search, it can be quite useful because it does, it summarizes.

What? Certain voice searches I've found have become more accurate because it knows what you're going on about. It can infer more. Yeah. But that's the problem though, isn't it? When it infers you're not going to get accuracy. It's not perfect, yes you're right there's a payoff but I've just found certain things it's quite useful for. The kind of nonsense that I check the internet for you know. Little

factoid disputes. No, AI for that kind of stuff, I get it. Yeah. But when AI starts replacing things that humans should do freely of their own autonomy. But even calling that AI, it's just like word prediction. It's just, you know. Dog shit. No, it's when it takes people jobs. Yeah. When it just removes people from a pipeline of workload. And makes all imagery this sort of sloppy crap.

You know. I think it's down here. There's a dale. Yeah, it's just here. Oh here. I'll send them a picture. I can see the skate park. Here we go, we're done, we're sorted, we're here. Excellent. Sorry for the bumpy bumpy and the windy windy, but this is a real time thrilling adventure. Round the corner from that. Look at this, here we go we go I'm gonna send them a picture now that's on the other side of that okay I'm glad for this wind though hey here we go brilliant let's sit down here yeah let's get out of the

wind a little bit if we can can we it's picked up a lot just now, isn't it? It's picked up a little bit, yeah. But fuck it, this will do. Oh, man, if I had my skates, I'd love to go on that. I was going to tell you, but I thought you might have spoiled the game. No, also, it's like, I have to schlep them all down here. Oh, yeah, that's true.

And what with my back? It's not a great moment for it, but. Right. He's sending the drone now with a puzzle. With the buzz bomb on it? Right. Alright, it's the longer one for this puzzle. Alright, okay, I'm ready.

It's a murder mystery. Crime mystery. Every fall, it's an American game. Every autumn? Every autumn, the sole ace hotel saw the pilgrim, sorry, saw the pilgrimage of the blue hair society in their quest to watch the leaves change colour. Okay. These old ladies counted their nickels and drank dangerously large quantities of tea,

but otherwise were no trouble at all, except for this year. One of their number was a dirty fief. Hotel rooms were invaded, wallets, purses and dentures even stolen. The sole ace called the detective Mr Mr. Shadow the sole ace the sole ace club I don't know why they're called that they just called the sole ace club. The blue hair club. Yeah, it's a bunch of old ladies. Okay Anyway, the detective shadow ordered dinner in a room. That's his name. What mr. Shadow. Yes I'm not can't defend these cards. We're just reading them out I like it though when I have a go and you get really exasperated.

Well, you're sitting down and I can kick you in the bollocks. But if you actually did that, that would be... Over for the podcast. That would be grievous to the body of your heart. I'd call the police, the real police. Not Shadow, Detective Shadow, Detective DJ Shadow. Would you like Detective Big Cock in your mouth if you don't shut up right now? What? You'd also do that?

Yeah. The amount of toxic masculinity that you just hide behind on this podcast is fucking unbelievable. Stop threatening me! Detective Shadow booked a room and ordered dinner where he could devise his plan to capture in solitude. At first it seemed to be a mistake. What did? his plan to capture in solitude. At first it seemed to be a mistake. He sat in his room and then first came in the maid to deliver some fresh towels. He came in the maid? Then a newlywed couple locked in an embrace. Fucking hell everyone's getting involved. Accidentally

came into his room before making an apologetic departure. Fucking him coming everywhere. Then an old lady knocked an entrance. An old lady? I can't hear this anymore. And then apologized when she saw that it was Detective Shadow's room and not hers. Then room service knocked on the door, bringing Shadow his dinner. OK. Halfway through his dinner, he suddenly

realized who the prime suspect was. Who was it? Now, why are you barking hysterically all the way through that door? It was funny when he came in the maid, then a couple come in. He didn't come in the maid. No one came in the maid. Then in came the maid, it says. No hysterically all the way through that door? It was funny when he came in the maid, then a couple comes in. He didn't come in the maid, no one came in a maid. Then in came the maid, it says.

No one came in a maid. Dr. Shadow sat in his room, ordered dinner, and a maid came in to deliver fresh towels, then an accidentally newlywed couple fell into the room. An accidentally... A newlywed couple accidentally came into the room, apologising left, then there was a knock at the door and a lady popped her head round, then apologised when she said it, when she realised it wasn't her room. And then the maid came in again with a meal.

At that point, Shadow realised who the prime suspect was. Who was the prime suspect from those people? Dementia. No. Who was the prime suspect from the people I just read out? Oh, those three. Four. Those four.

The maid with the fresh towels, the old lady, the newlywed couple and the other maid with the dinner. One of those is the old lady. Why though? You can't just say old lady. Why did she? What is it? What's the sentence? Let me read it again. Next an elderly lady knocked and entered and then apologized when she saw it was Shadow's room and not hers. Come on. Yeah well he just he she'd know it was she'd know it wasn't her room. Yeah why would she knock before she came in? There you go. Open the bomb we're all right. Next one this is the fourth. Two more to go. Yeah. Just check we're still recording. There's a calf up there. I need water real bad.

Right, I'm gonna drink the ice water off this. Where are we on the clock? 18 minutes. Mate, we could do this if we're quick. Alright, come on. You can't down it then. Get the next bomb out. The next buzz bomb. Buzz ball bomb. The fourth, right? Buzz ball the fourth. It was funny when I thought they were having an orgy though, in there. BuzzBall Bomb. The fourth, right? BuzzBall the fourth. It was funny when I thought they were all having an orgy though, isn't it?

Yes, no, it was funny, mate. It was very funny. You're a very funny man. Strawberry Rita. Oh. Lovely Rita, meter mate. Lovely dirty Rita. She's got some sweaty feet.

I'll give her some of my meter and then I'll Come in it. Yeah In Peter Is Peter getting involved Peter is his brother and he's a dirty bastard And he wants a bit of his sister's action and I'll give him it right next one Yeah, we got just under 18 minutes before the down. You have to down this no fucking cheating all right watch this Well, I mean I'm cheating anyway so far I've got a whole show don't cheat watch this then I want every last drop I want every last drop every Tom Tom bollocks boy here we go watch this oh no I'm not drinking it cuz he likes

look down and you'll complain about it here we go Dranky, drinky. He's done every last drop, everyone. One last drop! That is horrible! Is that the worst yet? Oh, God, he might vomit. No, I'm not going to vomit, but that is... That feels like I've just... Like, washed it up liquid. Really?

It's very strawberry, but it's also very soapy. It's very strawberry but it's also very soapy. Oh god, that is horrid. Mate, he's so salty. Oh no, that's got a kind of a melted ice lolly at the end. A little bit but it's still kind of like... No, that's okay. I know it's very chemically but for me that kind of, it's less, you know the worst still for me is...

The aftertaste is alright. Do you know what I mean? The know I mean the aftertaste yeah something in the middle which like just reeks of fairy liquor yeah yeah yeah no you're right there's soap and I'm getting soapy note I'm getting it now I'm getting a soapy note do you know I found discovered sorrel sorrel what did you say? Sorrel is they drink it in Jamaica it's like sorrel you remember they have sorrel sodas and I said there's Red Stripe with sorrel in right it's actually hibiscus. You've heard of hibiscus. It's the same thing.

I will have heard of hibiscus. Yeah. Right, here's your next clue. A black marble beast exists in the mist. It's a statue of Panther. Wyn's pet since 1961. Who's pet? Wyn's pet.

W-Y-N-N-E-S. Wyn's pet since 1961. That's like the Wyn casino in Vegas. It's nothing to do with that. The Sphinx. Died 1978 over a toothache, now immortalized here and in bronze over there. Died over a toothache. A black marble beast that exists in the mist.

Wins Pet since... Gorilla's in the mist. So is there a gorilla here? It's another paleontology thing isn't it? Have a look for a Crystal Park gorilla. Is there a Darwin statue or something like that? Look it up mate, you're the problem solver. Simon doesn't want you to... Simon's gone now.

Simon has got his drone. There's a drone. I like it when you came in the maid, I want a deer and all that. Alright, while you look it up, I'll talk about you came in the maid I want to do you more that. Why are you looking up? I'll talk about doing it in a minute. No I'm looking it up. She's like yeah sir would you like to plough your pillows? Yeah but can an old lady get involved? Can an old lady get involved? All of them come in. Only old ladies! Bosh and nosh until my tosh goes This is what we should have done today. Muffling the muffle out of it. Buff, buff.

Come at everybody. It's time to nosh. Till my knob goes splosh. Come on. That was one of your best moments. Thank you. But come on. We've got a thing to find.

Do it. Crystal Park. Crystal Park. Crystal Prispros. Crystal Park. Crystal Park. Fuck. You kept saying Crystal Park... fuck!

You kept saying Crystal Park, that's why I did it. Crystal Palace Park. Yeah. Crystal Palace Park Gorilla Statue. I'm standing in front of your block. It's called the Gorilla Statue. Oh, it looks cool. His name is Gary Gorilla. It's all called Gary, aren't they? Named after a gorilla that was at London Zoo.

That is a very famous... It had toothache, went for an operation, died of heart failure on the table. And now immortalized as a grill. But where is it? You have to find it. I'm gonna look at my photo of the map. Look at the map.

I mean, I know exactly where it is. It's nearby. But I don't think your map's gonna have it, to be fair. No? I'm just double checking. Of course it will. No, it won't. Gary, Gary. It doesn't won't. Gary Gary Gary Gary

Literally just go to Google Maps and type in Gary Gorilla. I'm not going to Google Maps I hate that. I'm going to City Mapper. Gary Gorilla. Right found it. It is a 7 minute walk, 8 minute walk from here. Can we go faster? We've got to go down, we've got to go through that way. Can we go up and get a bottle of water please? No we haven't got time, carry on, we've got to get going.

We've got 14 minutes and this is going to be seven minutes if we get going now and then we've got our last one. So come on. Come on. I'm putting some icing in my mouth. Come on. Why are you such a fucking dilly dallyer? Your whole life you dilly dally. Everything you do is a dilly dally. Right, I'm off.

Come on. I'm off, come on. I'm gonna, I put a lot of effort into today. So at least come and fucking step up and play the game. I'm playing. You know what, you're sitting there in a hole in the fucking woods. Struggling to get up. I've got brain mouth hurt.

Come on. I just ate some ice. Right, we're off. I'm just gonna cut across the path. Because this says eight minutes and we can do it in less than that. If we mince it. Mate, a young skater just caught some serious air but didn't manage to land it.

Let's jog. I'm not jogging. Come on, let's jog. We're on the clock. Jog on. You're such a fucking... You're such a kind of... No one cares. You are a 60% person. Everything you do is 60%. That's why you're a fucking failure.

Wanker. Anything else? The lives of all these people are on the line, and you're like, I don't care. I don't. Fucking jog it. Get some fucking energy up. You fucking weakling. Come on. Old-school, 70s concrete skate park.

Yeah, you talk to your fucking microphone, mate, with your little bitchy comments. Similar to the one in Nebworth, which is now filled in. I broke my arm quite severely skating. Better be excellent for some roller sk space. I'm a little conversation with the audience are ya? Yeah. I'm such a fucking taskmaster. I'm so cruel. I wasn't actually I was just having a nice little conversation with them about the skate park. Well you speak to me before you speak to them. How are you going to separate the audio because you must

have been going on to them as well. Yeah. So how. I'm boss. How does that go work? I'm boss and in charge. You twat. It's right across this field mate. It is a great looking sports center. Very brutalist. And, uh... Coming across a hillock. Is that Gary? No, that's just not the video. We're not gonna do this now because he's fucked it. I thought 90 minutes was too much time. Apparently, I missed fucking misunderstood downhill now. His capabilities.

It's quite a big park, mate. It's a big park, isn't it? Yeah. You say it's quite small. Well, it is small in terms of like the greater scheme of things. It's smaller than Hampstead Heath or Hyde Park. Yeah. But there's quite a lot to it.

It's sizeable enough. And there's quite a lot to it. Sizeable enough. And there's lots of different types of space in it. Do you know what I mean? What's that? That's some kind of, it looks like a vaulting horse or something in a pavilion. Weird. No, it's a tomb.

There's a wreath on top of it. Ten minutes. It's not going to fucking happen, this. What is that? I don't know. Theftive... Oh, there was a theft. There was a bell here and it was nicked. Oh. Theft of Grade II listed Royal Navy volunteer Reservoir Mem...

Reserve Memorial Trophy. Why would you nick that? Suspected date of disappearance, August 2024. Grade II listed Royal Navy volunteer reservoir reserve memorial trophy. Why would you nick that? Suspected date of disappearance, August 2024. Oh, it was like nicked last year. Literally, you can see a picture of it right there. Fucking crazy. You know what, I get a feeling they nick quite a lot of stuff from here, don't they?

They nick the lady's head off the hollow lady, didn't they? They nick the thumb off the dinosaur. Nick a bell. It's probably some Frankenstein monster half lady's head half bell or fucking dinosaur's thumb. That is one of your good ideas you've had. See sometimes you have some nice ideas. The Golem of Crystal Park Palace Park. Yeah. Yeah. The Chimera of the park. It's a Chimera. Is a Chimera is a type of creature made from different parts? Yeah, different parts of different animals. Yeah.

Isn't that one a specific one, a chimera though? Maybe, maybe, but it is also a kind of... A griffin is... What's a homunculi? We've been through this before. Is it a tiny version? A homunculi is a tiny little man. Yeah, yeah.

Like you. That's what you put the eli in, homunculi. I do, yeah. Hey! Hey! Ganon's on fire. What does that in, homunculi. I do, yeah. Hey! I do, yeah. Hey! Garen's on fire. I might be calling it homunculi.

There's a spatula on the ground and you didn't say nothing. There's a spatula on the ground. Tenner Penny spatulas. I'm picking up this spatula. Why? It's probably covered in piss. It's not, it's fine. Well it's been served up a fucking pervert's arsehole.

Fucking you don't know where it's been and you just picked it up. I've still got sticky fingers anyway. Yeah but I still would just pick up a spatula. Look I'm gonna rearrange your camera it's well on the one camera. It could have been a ladies clam. I don't care. It could be clam spatula. It doesn't, there's no clam on this spatula.

You don't know. You wouldn't recognise the smell of... There's no clam juice on this spatula. You wouldn't recognise you wouldn't recognize the smell of no clam juice on this spatula You wouldn't recognize this spatula home. Give it a scrub. Why you don't need us Need a spatula My name is spatula, you know, you could use this for when you do your cheesecake mate I've already got one at home, which is clean. I haven't been found on the floor in a park. Yeah God which is clean and hasn't been found on the floor in a park. Yay. Oh God.

Spatula, spatula you. Spatula together, that's what we must do. Eight minutes mate, come on. Spatula, spatula you. Spatula together. This is not gonna happen, is it? This is not gonna happen. They should have a place that just does spatulas.

I'm now feeling very drunken. You know what it would be called? What? Spatula-like. Come on, that's great. Spatula-like. What about University of Spatulum? Spatulum night.

Right, I've lost all joy now after you said that. Oh, Eli Silverman, dirty man. Picks up spatula like a tramp can. No, I'm having fun now. Do you know why I'm having fun? Because I've done quite a bit of buzz ball. They're good, aren't they? They're all right.

They go straight to your tum-tum. I'm feeling very whoops apocalypse right now. We've got to go round here. How's the pressure of the brown log? I've popped it up the pipe. You've popped it back up for now. He just popped down to say hello and now he's gone back up below. Yeah. It thought it'd have a cheeky sneak it pos posh'd its head out and so I saw its beak. Ha toy toy. Where's Gary? He's round the corner. This is the- Milk lemonade round the corner, Gary's there. This is the penultimate one, isn't it?

Yeah. How many minutes? We're almost at the end. Seven minutes. Well, we're gonna do almost the whole lot, so. Give Simon, we only need a 10 minute extension for Simon I'm gonna ask him if we can get this one. Text where is it where are we? Ow where am I? Up there? It's around there. Okay let's go up there then. hang on where are we we're facing that way

and it's here by the lake. what lake? so are you sure we're in the right place? this is where we are so we go that way? no because we're heading look at the arrow for fucks sake. yes we, so we're facing that. I'm confused. So this way? Yeah. Christ. Right.

Yeah. Oh, you sent me a voicemail. Hang on. I see you are enjoying our little game, Eli and Paul. Well, if you get to here in the next few minutes, I'll grant you 10 more minutes for the finale and meet me in battle. Have fun, Eli and Paul. Have fun. Well, there you go. If we can get there in the next...

I don't... Let me fucking try. Let me fucking try. I'm looking at my map because you... Never look, do you, properly? Don't try to fart against me I literally just farted on him no we were you were right well the lake is that way it is yeah and he's by the lake right yeah I'm gonna put Gary gorilla in I put Gary gorilla but look that's where we are now and if we go that way we'll go that way yes this way we've got if we we get there in the next four minutes, he'll give us 10 more for the finale.

Okay. It's that way. Look, see? Yeah. Yeah, across. Okay, good. We've got four minutes. If we get to Gary, he'll give us ten more for the finale. And it says he's four-minute war from here.

About, well, it says three. Another calf there. So, come on. Ice cream, slushies, cold drinks. God, I could do with a cold drink. Yeah, it's this way. Okay, right, we're heading up the path now. There's a cafe to the right of us called Brown and Greens Life and then there's two middle-class Yumi mummies to my left with a child I believe was called Henry. Here we go, up the path to the left.

Jesus Christ. Oh dear. Yeah, just up here. Just up here. And then there's Gary Gorilla. Okay. Christ. Paul, for future notice, don't bother making an effort because Eli doesn't give a fuck. Lomping behind. Let me just double check that we're still recording.

Are we? Yeah. All right. Because it would suck if none of this fucking recorded. Great. Dog toddingtons. It's a big dog. And it's smelling something.

And I think it's gonna drop some bit- some dirty dog biscuits. Wait. I've got... No, no, they're right in the back of the other way. He's on the other side of the lake? Yeah, he's on the other side of the fucking lake. My Google crapped out for a bit, and then the logo where I was just disappeared.

Then when it popped off, it was like, oh, you're on the wrong side of the fucking lake. Come on, let's do it. We've got two minutes to get there. Come on, come on, come on. It's just here, come on. Come on. If we can get to the gorilla before the two, he'll grant us ten for the extra last final battle. Battle! Here's another fucking big animal. Oh, God. Er... I don't know how good an idea this was for an episode of the podcast now.

I don't know if we've got more or less editing to do. But let's find out. Er... Er... OK. but let's find out. Okay one minute 30. Oh he's here, he's here. Okay gorilla's body. Gary! Gary Gorilla. Right, solve the puzzle before the time is out and he'll give us 10 more minutes. What am I doing? Get the bomb out. Oh, you're using the spatula to tickle Gary's gooch. Good. Right okay quickly solve this in the next minute and we can have the solve the bomb and get 10

minutes. Okay. Right Bob the gardener is known for his green thumb in fact he likes the color green so much he makes certain that his garden is always green along with his green garden he has green flower pots a green car a green dog that he dies a green dog died a died dog that he dies, a green li- His dog died? A died dog, green. A green lawn mower and naturally a green lawn. With all this being the case, what colour would his green house be? Transparent.

Exactly, because it's made of glass. Right, pull out the fifth. Fifth. He's fucking stupid, aren't he? I got more though. You did, you got more. All right. But quick, come on, come on, come on.

Well, I want you to make a decision here. Just pull out any one, I don't care. We've only got two remaining, don't we? I know, but the last one is where the finale is. Oh, right, okay, we got it. No, or, or. Oh, we got it, chili mango. Or, or.

For what? Espresso martini. Let's do espresso martini. Give it a bit of a boost. Yeah. Okay. Right. Okay. I've sent him a picture of the gorilla. Are you going to need to take photos of these? I've already done it and sent it to him. I'm going to just... I mean for the podcast. Yeah. No, I'm already ahead of it on that. You're not taking any pictures at all. Can I throw those away?

Yeah, if you want. I haven't taken any pictures of the buzz balls, is what I'm saying. I have. Alright. Okay. Cool. So I can chuck those out, yeah? Yeah. Right, okay. You want that one. Okay. Spark that up, bro. Spark up my porn star martini. It's gonna have that horrible fake...

Let me open it. I want no fucking fingernails, mate, and don't use your spatula on the ring pull. Oh, you're giving me an idea. I know, and that's why I nipped it in the fucking pot. I've got nails, don't worry. I'm stealing it at Gary's gooch. Yeah, it's got that very artificial coffee. Oh, dude. Coffee smell.

Yeah, smell it. Hang on. Smell my ball. Gary's good, isn't he? He's a lovely gorilla. And a real dude as well. A real gorilla that once existed. But there's a bronze version of this in another park.

Is there? In fact, I think it's in Regent's Zoo, I think, to commemorate the same gorilla. You got two, but it's another cast of the same sculpture? Perhaps. No, a different sculpture altogether by a different artist. This one is by the guy I mentioned in the clue. Yeah.

Right, do you want me to, oh, smells like coffee. No, ah, ah, ah! What, that's about off. No, it's not, you have to go to, oh, smells like coffee. No, ah, ah, ah! What, that's about half. No it's not, you have to go to, oh right. Yeah that's half, that's actually half. Is it? Yeah, cause look, it's about there I can see it's splashing. Too low, but anyway fine.

You've got ice though haven't you, so that lifts it up. Okay fine, go on, down you. Right here we go. God, God, this God. It's fine. This God. I love it fine it's got it it's got you've been drinking them warm I've been having the chilled so I suppose that's yeah I'm a war the spicy one is the only one we've got left that's the finale we've got an extra we've got like less than 10 minutes yeah well I don't know you have

to solve the puzzle won't you I have solved the puzzle no on the last one oh yeah where you will meet Simon himself. Down it. For a battle. How's that? I think the... You know what? It's fine. It takes mostly of coffee. I think that my favourite so far has been the strawberry rita. I have to say... He's making the face, everyone.

Now, I'm going to have a go. It's mostly coffee, although it wins away of some lovely people who want to see Gary. Oh God, move Gary. Oh, that's okay, that one. Yeah, it's all right. It's that artificial flavour, that coffee flavour. But it tastes more coffee than anything else, right? So here we go.

Oops. You're okay, you're okay. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. Oh dear, baby fell over and now it's the worst thing in the fucking world for a over. You're OK. Oh, dear. Baby fell over, and now it's the worst thing in the fucking world for a baby. I hate kids. Right, OK.

Oh, dear. You scared the child, Eli. I didn't scare it. It was coming for me. You threatened it with a knife and it cried. Don't shut up. I've got the spatula in my hand. I've sent him the pictures of our... Let's sit on this bench and do the clue. We're going to put this in the bin over there.

We've got one more left. Let's do that. He's going to send the message any moment. Right, okay. Five of the six done. And he's going to give us ten more minutes to find him himself. Oh, God. A gracious terrorist,

wouldn't you agree? Now I've got sticky fingers. Sticky fingers, sticky fingers. They're by the boil of heat. Sticky fingers. Sticky, it's smoke. Sticky fingers. It's not sticky fingers.

Sticky by the boil of heat. Sticky fingers. Put'm sticking by the bar when it hits. Steamy windows. Stick your fingers. Just put it in the bin. Shut your mouth. What are you talking about? Read out the clue. You can't. Put the bag on. Will you fucking read the clue, you prick?

On the bench? Oh, you want to do it here? Fine, we're here now. Put the bin bag in. I will do what I like in the management of my own personal waste. Such a bell end, aren't I? Fucking dick personal waste. Such a bell end aren't I? Fucking dickhead. You're a bell end and you don't take terrorism seriously.

Oh here we go. Right here's the final clue. Once you've solved this we've got ten minutes to get to it right? Okay that's what he says. I haven't downed this yet. It's really starting to turn my stomach. Yeah I've got all sorts of wibbly wobblies going on right now. And it's not fun.

HE COUGHS It's tough bubby. Tough bubby-y time. Right, here's the final clue. Ready? A 49-metre-long path with only one true destination. A minor tour, perhaps, but not for the girl guides. Minor tour? A minor tour, perhaps, but not for girl guides.

Start again. A 49 meter long path with only one true destination. A minor tour, perhaps, but not for girl guides. It's a maze. There's a maze here. There's a maze here. Ah, I will look it up. Where's the maze?

Because at the center of the maze is where I think we'll find the final bomb. The minotaur is at the centre of the labyrinth. Which is also a maze. Which is where we'll find our villain himself. And it must be a 49 metre long pathway, I guess. Minotaur. Do you want to know what the girl guide means? Minotaur, yeah, minotaur is in the maze.

Girl guides, do you know why Girl Guides was brought up? Because they solve mazes as part of their thing. No. Boy Scouts are a thing. They held a conference in Crystal Park Palace with all the Boy Scouts near the maze. Park Palace Park? Yeah, near the Boy Scouts, near the maze. And some girls who said they want to get involved said to Baden Powell why isn't there a thing for girls to do and he invented Girl Scouts on the spot right

there at the maze. Still a bit of a cunt though wasn't he. There's a bunch of pigeons there everyone. I don't give a fuck about this I don't know that much. Have you found the maze? I found it, but I don't know where we are. Well we're here. Oh, in the map. Can we sit down for a sec?

Well he's gonna, he wants to meet us in final battle in the middle of the maze. So we've got to go and do that now. Looking forward to that. I need to just get my bearings in. Get your bearings now, love. Oh, God, I needed that drink. Cos we've got a final battle ahead of us and I'm drunk and... Actually fucking horny. Really?

Bastard horny. Are you? Fucking... This is a fucking gore. He's rubbing the bench everyone. I'm rubbing the bench. Alright, here we are on a bench. And here's me with a moth motini. Oh it's a moth.

It's passion fruit martini. Smells like sweets. Ah, it's a vanilla. It definitely doesn't smell as bad as the buzz balls does it? No, no, no. How much was it? It all together came to £100.20. £10.20? £12.80. Fuck that is that's about... That might have been like £12.80

No, mine was £4.00 I saw. So this is whatever's left then isn't it? No I'm not. Fucking £8.00 quid. Yeah. Fuck me. Jesus Christ. That is too much but he's enjoyed it. Is that nice? Have a little bit of that. Go on, I love you. Have a little bit. Moth Passion Fruit Martini. 14.9%. That is a porn star, but they don't call it porn star. It's not very classy to call it that, is it? It's not very classy to call it porn star. You know, a puff of porn star martini has a little glass of bubbly on the side. Pussy, innit? No, Jesus Christ.

That's a little bit of pussy innit. Have some respect for yourself. That's a little bit of pussy innit. Well, you know what does's a little bit of pussy in it. Have some respect for yourself. That's a little bit of pussy in it. Well, you know what does have a little bit of pussy in it? Ladies' pussies. They have a little bit of pussy in it. You have. Oh, look, I found the maize. Oh, it's just too vanilla-y for me.

It's a little bit too vanilla-y, I agree. Not enough sharpness. It hasn't got enough passion fruit in it. It's not bad, though. It's not bad. Yeah. Anyway, look, it's a bad though no it's not bad yeah anyway look it's a 13 minute walk if we go by their path if we cut across half an hour it's in that direction 13 minutes okay cool we can do it then we can cut across though because it's saying if we use paths it's 13 but he's going to give us 10 minutes that's what we

did before yeah we'll do it in 10 minutes so we'll do it in 10 minutes Simon don't you fucking try it we'll meet you in battle in the We'll do it in ten minutes, Simon. Don't you fucking try your luck with us. We'll meet you in battle in the middle of the maze, Simon. And battle is a place in southern England. Yeah, the Battle of Hastings is battle. Did they call it battle after there was a battle? No, it's called battle beforehand. And that's how battle got its name, battle.

I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I'm confused about that. I just know that it's called battle before battle was a battle. It was, and there was a battle there. You see that it must have been the word for battle used to not be battle. No, it used to be battle. It used to be called big fight or something. Big fight. Let's have a big fight. Yeah, Napoleon's big spicy one, mango spicy. That's the final bomb. Yeah. Right, shall I set the timer? Yeah, let's go to the maze. Right. We've got 10 minutes to get to the maze in three, two, one.

Off we go. My back's hurting, Les. It's that way somewhere. It's horrible having hurt your back. You know when it's hard to walk? It's horrible. I have got. Is that what you got when your back was hurting?

The walking sort of felt. Not like it's painful exactly, but it was just like... It's like your legs are doing more... Yeah, work. ..to support you sort of thing. I feel like a gunslinger. I'm like... HE MAKES GUNSLINGER NOISES Mate, the world's gone to shit, everyone.

The world's gone to shit, but Cheap Show keeps you... Cheap Show keeps you laughing, doesn't it? Yeah, don't hurt me! He's got an all-clutchy feeling. Right. We're going to cut across. Crot across? Crot across.

Mate, we've still got to get to the middle of a maze. How good are you at mazes? Very good. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'd say I'm a quite good maze solver. OK. Eight minutes and 40 seconds left.

We can do this, mate. We can beat Simon at his own game. Hey, I just found there's a secret garden here somewhere. Is there? Apparently it says secret garden. It's not very secret, then, is it? No. But then that secret garden you like in Regent's Park isn't that secret, is it? That is quite secret. Not that secret, though, is it? But it's not. Not that secret though is it? It's not referred to as a secret garden. You're not referred to as a secret garden. So parts of me are.

You dirty pubic thatch. Yes that's what we're all thinking. Hey! Stop touching me please. Touch your nuts and guts. Come on. Is it up this hill? We can cut up and over. Let's cut across then. We've got to, we're here. We've got to save all these lives, mate. All these innocent lives. It's up to us for Simon's Evil Games. Come on.

Holy Toledo! Somebody had fun! Oh, God. Diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly-bum Diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly-bomb. Diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly-bomb. Diddly-diddly-diddly-diddly-bomb. Wop-wop-wop-bomb-bomb. Oh, look.

What did you find? A lighter. Does it work? With a panther face on. No, it's all got its guts out. Boo. Come on. Diddly-diddly-diddly-bomb.

Diddly-diddly-diddly-bomb. Ah. Come on. Diddle diddle did, diddle diddle did bum. Diddle diddle did, diddle diddle did bum. Diddle diddle did, diddle diddle did bum. Come on. We can do this. I've seen enough of fucking... Mate! I've seen enough of Crystal fucking Palace Park today. We've seen it from every angle, we've almost crossed it. Come on, we've got, we're going to have to go up those baddie stairs again. What? We're going to have to go up the stairs again aren't we? No, we don't, we've just got to

cut across here, we're fine. Go past the state park again. The maze is this way, past the skate park, yeah, past where we were before. I believe the maze is in like a little dingley delley earlier. Is it a hedge maze or just a... I think it's a little hedge mazey thing. Well they take a lot of maintenance. So I'd be interested to see what condition it's in. It's not our concern is it? I mean if it's a hedge maze you can't see out and you can see over then that's a bit stupid isn't it? Oh Well, then it'll be easier for you won't it? Mr. fucking labyrinth genius. Because I'm very short so I'll probably still not be able to see out. Yeah to you it'll be a normal maze.

Is it a midget maze? Because he's tiny man, Teeny tiny little man! From the planet Tinkle Tinkle! Going past the skate park again. Are we going past the skate park again? No. I think it's just on that side. Oh I'm confused cos there's a graffiti hall of fame by the skate park as well. Isn't there?

Yeah. But this is the one that's by the sports and me. We've been all over this fucking dirty dirty fucking... Oh! Look at this! this remnants of another adventurer. It's another little bus bombs there. That's one of the ones we didn't have. What's that one called? That's a strawberry Rita. Strawberry Rita. It must be a popular choice. My favorite today so far. Yeah I mean I'm torn because it still had a soapy note. Did you like the choco tees the the Baileys one more? No. None of them are particularly edifying. No, none of them were nice, but you've got to have one that was the best.

I think the Strawberry Rita was the best. I think the Passion Fruit one was. Maybe, yeah. Because it was fruity a little bit. We've had so many different Passion Fruit drinks today. I just want that one. You had... My God, but look what I got as well. Mate, we've got... What does that say? Lemon need.

Passion fruit. Mate, we've got five minutes and we're four minutes away. We've got a maze to get through. Come on. We're not too far away. We've just got to get there, mate. Come on. Oh, shit.

All right. Come on. Coming. You're not though, you're dragging your feet like a little stumpy hobbit. It would have been really good if that graffiti writer was called Maze but he's called Muse. Only two little letters off. Isn't it funny how if only things were completely different they'd be better for Eli. There's one called Ale. Come on.

There's one called React. Very nice graffiti. It's this way. There's Escape Park. I was right. Yeah, but you were looking at it called Ale. Come on, we've got to. There's one called React, very nice graffiti. It's this way. There's the skate park, I was right. Yeah, but you were looking at that way. No, no, I was right. You're a lying cunt and I'm gonna kill ya. Doesn't matter, we're all gonna have a nice time.

Oh shit. Shut up. Paul just almost went for a Burton, everyone. I nearly went for a Burton, I did. It's this way, that way we came. We're going right by the skate park. Mate we've got to get to the middle of the maze. Come on.

I don't think he's taking this seriously. The acrobat he's right is literally called Maze. Yeah, yes. Maze. It was like a rapper. He was a friend of Dizzy's. We're not too far away. Why the fuck's he three minutes away, maybe, up this hill?

So, with a little bit of luck... ..we'll get there in time. I'm making a fucking effort with this. And that little fucking knuckle-dragging hobbit... ..dragging his feet. Isn't that a little fucking knuckle dragging hobbit? Dragging his feet. That's an audio podcast in real time. It's fucking tough beans, innit?

Tough beans. I'm talking shit. Where are we? We've got to go this way left. It's up a hill. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

Come on. Ow. He nettles. Did you sting yourself? I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Come on. Ow! Did you sting yourself? I can't do this. And now the booze has hit it.

And this is all uphill. And there's a truck. Again, out of the way. Heritage trail. Right. OK. OK. Where's the maze? It's right here on the lake. The lasers are undone. Shall I go this way? Where should I go? I'm going to go this way. Where is he? Come on! Fucking get a wiggle on! Two minutes! Come on, we've got to get into the middle of the maze! Up yours! Up yours, you lazy shit! Come on, it's this way. Oh no, what this little path. Now it's the camera going off again. Is it? Have you gone the right way? No, go that way. Oh, fuck this.

Typical. Come on. I've been working with Matt Brady all the time. Come on. He's just fucking doing it. Come on. Come on, you prick. He just got where it's going off in some trees.

Ten minutes goes by quite quickly. Fuck me. Wait for me! Oh God. Okay. Where's the maze? Where is it? Where's the maze? Is it here?

Is it here? I think it's in there. I've found it, come on. Eli, please, don't fucking do it. Something, you lazy cunt. It's here. It's here. Come on. I'm coming. Quick. That's an oak tree. We've got a minute left, come on!

Ash, there's a gate. Fuck you! It is a hedge fence. You see the outside hedge? I'm gonna go for it, here we go. I'm running. Almost at the end of today's adventure. I'm not gonna use the escape gate for cowards.

I'm very tired. I'm gonna at the end of today's adventure. I'm not going to use the escape gate for cowards. I'm very tired. I'm going to fucking do this. It's going to be very big. Yeah, we're done. It's going to be walking kind of difficult. I hope it's not another big back injury. Well, here we are. Which way do I go?

Have you gone around the outside? Where did you go? I'm going through the matchel maze and not the cheats way. Am I going through the escape gate? You do that then. No. I'm going through the escape gate? You do that then. No. I'm going through the maze. Can you wait for me?

Oh. Go around the real way. Oh, no. Go through the escape gate. Don't go to the escape gate. Do it. No, you've got to go to the middle. He's going to do it.

They're not very high, though. But it looks like a could be spiral in shape. Okay, got it. All the way around the outside. The outer circle. It's quite cool. A lot of stuff here. Okay. We're in the middle.

Really lovely park. I love it. I love fading material. And fading brutalism as well. It's got both. All right, you must have gone this way. Is this the right way? Yeah. Are you in the middle? I'm in the middle. Do I keep going round the outside or do I...?

You find your way in, I found it. Oh. God. There's a way in further here. There's two ways. Did you go to the left and the right of the first entrance? Oh, we ran out of memory. He's lost in the maze and I don't give a shit, we just ran out of 360 memory. So I'm gonna... This is excellent.

This. So here we are. Oh no! In the middle of the maze. It must be. I don't know where Eli is. Literally the same place as me. Put your hand up in the air.

But it doesn't... Oh, there's a bear! Have you gone past the sloth? The bear! Put your hand in the air. Can you see it? Just about, yeah. Do I go right or left here?

I don't know where you are. I honestly don't. I'm going to go right. I found it kind of instinctually. Instinctually. That is a dead end. Did you go to a dead end? I've got a dead end. I love this. of instinctually. That is a dead end. Did you go to a dead end? I've got a dead end.

I love this. I love this. Found a dead end, so it must be the other way. Here we go. Oh, there's another. 360 right out of footage. There's a dead end there. I have no idea where he is.

I'm here in my hand. Oh, I can see you now. Am I going the right way? Go straight ahead. It's another dead end. I'm going in my hand. I can see you now. Am I going the right way? Go straight ahead. It's another dead end. I'm going back round, that's a dead end. I know, go the other way then. Oh you prick. Go back the way, I think you're nearly there, I can see you. Yeah I know. I can see your shadow. Come on. It's like the shining. Except it's daytime. Yeah, come on. I think you're nearly there.

I'm nearly there. I can see you. Yeah, I'm coming round. Oh, that's a different way than I came. Is it? Is it the way in? No, it's not. Shit. Oh, shit, man. I've gone the wrong way. How have you done this? I got through it in one go. Because you were just... Fuck! I'm lost in the maze, everyone. You're lost in the maze.

Oh, no. Come back the way you came. No, it's too late now. Here, I think I've... I'm going round. Keep going round. OK, well... Come on, you've got to find the way in, there's only one route. Going round here.

Oh dear, Eli's very... Here we go, here we go, here we go! This better be it or else I'm giving up and dying. Eli's very late. He's been trying to get in. Can you call the air hospital? He's over there somewhere. Yeah, well, you're not doing a very good job, are you?

He's lost. He can't get in. Bloody idiot. For God's sake. I feel like I've been here my whole life. Oh yeah, he's gone very bouffant-y. Have you got any luck? No. I think you've gone the completely wrong way, mate.

I have. I'm going the other way now. You're going to have to come and find me, mate. How are you so crap? I went the wrong way. You just got lucky. Anyway, that's him lost in the maze. And this is the finale. We've got one more thing to do.

And then that's that. And I'm very drunk and hungover. He'll find his way he's lost any so bollocks to him bollocks to him. Right I'm at the centre and I'm waiting for a call from Simon Harry and that's gone off there's no more energy. Didn't help me did it? No there's no more power in the 360. No more memory card. No more left here. So... I think I went right before.

There we go, that's that done. This looks more promising. Oh dear. Oh dear. That was so hot and tired. Are you still lost? It's a maze! HE LAUGHS I can't believe this.

How are you so lost? You're such a wanker. I did it in my first go. Well, because you got lucky, you prick. I thought you were good at mazes. The entrance, mate, is kind of at this end. I'm by the dolphin. Why haven't you been giving me clues vis-a-vis the animal posts?

Unfortunately, I didn't know that was a clue, was I? I'm by the dolphin! Why haven't you been giving me clues vis-a-vis the animal post? Well unfortunately I didn't know that was a clue, was I? By the dolphin post! I was legging it because we were on a timer. It's too late now. It's too late for you. Luckily I got here in time to save the world from... Will you just tell me how to get there please? Well all I know is that you need to kind of come to this far end of the park somehow because you are absolutely lost. You're so shit. I'm

by the squirrel now. I don't know what that means. It's a squirrel. Come back the way you came because you want to aim. I'm going this way. You want to go over that way somehow. God almighty, anyway we're here in the middle of the maze. Come and find me! Finally. I'm not leaving the centre because I can just do the escape. You should have used the escape gate. That's just the way to get out.

Yeah, but it would have saved you this faffing. I've got two paths here, which one? I don't know. On the right I was about the way you came because you want to go up that end. Why can't you remember which way you came in? Because I wasn't paying attention. Exactly, so you can't blame me. You just fluked it and now you're luring it over me.

Fuck you. That's not the right way. Fuck off. It's not the right way. Well, what about this one? Come back the way you came around the inner month. What about this one? This is very embarrassing for you. You're angering me.

Is it embarrassing for you as it seems? I'm back with a dolphin now. I don't know how to help you, mate. I'm really sick of this now, Paul. Oh, yeah. Are you sick of this? I'm sick of this now. You want to come all the way round.

I'm back at the squirrel now want to come all the way round? I'm back at the squirrel now. Come on all the way round. We want to try and get as far as the opposite position you're in right now. All right. Because I can't, I'm genuinely surprised you couldn't find your way in the middle. Because I kind of vamped it and got in at first go. Do you guys know the way in? Oh God he don't know what he's doing he's lost in a in a maze filled world. Oh dear. Right, I think I'm in a bit that I haven't seen before. Mate, I'm coming round! I think you're going to be stuck on that side unless you come back all the way you were the way before.

All the way round? All the way round. Further that way? Yeah, because I don't think you can come in from that direction. You just said I did. No, but it's sealed off, isn't it? Well, ladies and gentlemen, not only have we proven that Eli is unfit today, but that he has the, er...

wherewithal of a fucking massive idiot. Oh. I'm at... What? I'm on the outer ring. I think where you are is the opposite of where you need to be, mate. Let me see if I can find this on a map where Eli is. Uh-oh, uh-oh!

Crystal... Crystal Palace. Am I close now? No. Oh, no! I'm coming now to you. Yeah, come on. If you're on the inside, it should be fine.

I'm on the inside. I'm right on the inside. Because I've got a map here, but it doesn't really help me. It's OK. I'm going to do this. All right, there you go. No. This is a fish.

This is a fish. This is a memory card. Where is it? Show me where the entrance is. The entrance to... The entrance is there and you need to come like... You need to aim for that end of the park. Mate, climb over. No! Just fucking climb over that bit. It's easier.

I'd rather have you do this and spend the rest of this episode lost in this fucking maze. I'm gonna find... I'm finding this. Right, OK, well then, that's what Eli's doing then. I'm gonna tie my laces, because they all came undone in the last little bit, but I saved the day and I've reached the park,

and I've taken a picture of... You jumped over, didn't you, you cheat. No, I didn't. I've got footage of me proving that I came here in one go. I think I've done it now. All right. Have I? I don't know you're closer though at that end of the park because that end is where you're going to need to come in. I've got it, I've got it, I've got it. I'm going to look on the stool here. I'm there, I'm

there, I'm there. Put your hand up. Okay yeah you want to kind of go as left as you can. I know, I know. I figured it out mate. Take as many right as you can. I can't go right. I'm back in the slough Mate just get the exit gate because this is tiring and frankly annoying No, no, no, no Shut your mouth. I can't quite see where you are in the maze. Oh, I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it Because there's a little Turn I can't see it. it's hard to see from this angle but yeah try and go right at the end of that path. I'm doing it I'm doing it

what it proves to me is that when it comes to labyrinth Paul Gannon's the best and Eli is a clueless I would say ugly man but when Eli gets here I'm expecting a call from Simon for the last of the uh the last challenge of the day and uh hopefully Eli will be here soon because this is absolutely depressing that Eli can't find his way into a maze like a big baby child baby baby boy. I think I found it now. baby child baby baby boy. No it's not this way. Are you still lost? Mate head back to the beginning and use the escape gate because I can shut your mouth it's what you can do and stay there. This is my this is possibly Eli for the record the most pathetic thing you've ever done in your whole existence. I'm almost there

now. You're not though. Yes I am. You're on the outer rim. That's how you get there. I mean whatever. Oh dear god. Hey there he is. He's finally here. Congratulations Mr Silverman. How did you do that so quickly? I have no idea but for me... You're such a fluke man. You're so jazzy. Maybe but I did it in one go. Cure jars. I did it in one go. You're Mr. Jam of the school of jars knocks. Listen, we're here. The jam is... All we've got to do now is await a call from Simon. That was quite difficult man. For you yet whilst. Honestly. Well done though mate, well done though. I found it. We've got our last... I did do it. I worked it out. We've got our last puzzle to do and then we can have our last drink. I'm not a spicy mango rita. So let me read the last puzzle out. Mango rita, it's not called that,

it's mango, it's mango chili. It's not a rita at all. Here's a puzzle for you. Here's a puzzle for you. Mate, as I was going to St Ives I met a man with seven wives, seven wives with seven cats, seven cats with seven bags, seven sacks with seven cats, how many kittens, cats, sacks and wives, how many were going to St. Ives? Just me, just one. Exactly. Is that it? That's it, yeah. That's not it, read me a proper one. It is, it's actually on this card. Can you read me a proper one please? I will. Okay. Don't you think they're kind of cool? I like these. There's a lot of work, the illustrations, you know, what was the set called? Mysterium. Mine trap. Mine trap. I like it. It was very nice. Right. Actually. Okay. Look at all these different illustrations they did, you know what I mean? Yeah, no it's all very well done. Well that's the Paramount lady. Yeah. Is it? Right, here's the last clue and then we can settle the bomb off. I know about the St. Ives.

Luckily, I got here before the timer, so I turned it off. Right, here we go. Bill said, I've eaten in the finest restaurants in the world, to his girlfriend. And this place is the best. The maître d'oeil approached Bill. And with a disdain, he reserved for all of his customers, asked if they had a reservation.

Bill slipped him a 10 pound note and said... Is it ten dollars there? It says ten dollars, yeah. Ten pound note and said, find us a table. These are yanks. After being seated, Bill announced he would order since the little lady knew... Since he knew what was best for her. He's a fucking...

He's a cunt, innit? After lunch, both Bill and his girlfriend began looking a little green around the girls. And when asked about dessert, Bill mummored a reply and suddenly threw up all over the table. Oh. And then his girlfriend started throwing up on the table. That happens in shining or sadness. Eventually, his girl started throwing up too,

and then everyone in the restaurant started throwing up and being sick. Oh, this is terrible. But there wasn't anything wrong with the food. So what possibly had made everyone throw up? There's your puzzle. Wait, so give me the clue bit. The clue bit is they're in a restaurant, best in the world. He orders a meal, they eat it, and then eventually he throws up,

then she throws up, and then everyone in the restaurant starts throwing up. But the food was not wrong. Nothing wrong with the food, so why did they start throwing up? Figure that out, brainiac. Someone farted. Yes, that was the answer. Someone did windy poo-poops and everyone started throwing up.

No, that's not it at all. I could vomit now. Why could you vomit now? Are you not up for this? I've drunk too many. Have you? We've got one more to drink as well. Cheeky chops, cheeky cheeky chops. Give me another clue on that one. What should I... Where should I... Think about it, where would the restaurant need to be

if everyone's gonna be throwing up? In a sewer? No. In a... I mean... Oh, it's a spinning. No. It's a spinning...

No, it's not. On a boat. Yes. Oh, that is Triangle of Sadness. And they got seasickness. Right, that must be... It was the plot of Triangle of Sadness. It was, yeah.

It was. So now, Eli... I got every single one right today, didn't I? Yes, with a massive amount of help from me. Only the last one, and only because I'm half cut now. Right, we've got to do the last one, and then Simon's going to appear for the final task. So let's drink this last one. There you go.

And I'm going to change this. And then we can move on to the hand recorder, because the buttons are all done. We can move on to the hand shandy. Hand shandy, it's a randy time. Look at me, I'm swapping out the memory cards for this. Do you need a spatula? I don't want your dirty, floor-found spatula, please, if that's alright with you. Right.

Which one's this one? Chili mango? Yeah. What does that mean? Spicy with some mango notes. Right. Which one's this one? Chili mango? Yeah. What does that mean? Spicy with some mango notes. Right, open your cup up and I'll pour it in. It's gonna be grim. No, let me pour it because I'm gonna do half for you. Ah, fuck you, fuck you, Paul. He's been skimping on it, man. He's been trying not to drink his fair share. I've drunk all of mine and more than my first year and I've had a 14 pound degree stroking passion fruit martini. It was 14%

volgohol. Oh it was 14% yeah. That's what I was getting at. Which is similar to this so these are actually better value than those. Much better value. In terms of what I just spent in that shop against what goes on, what $3.99 each. Yeah. In terms of what I just spent in that shop against what those are, what £3.99 each. Yeah. Yeah. Right, go on. I need reimbursement, by the way. I know, I'll reimburse you if you can solve the last puzzle. Otherwise, you don't get anything and you're out of pocket by about £30.

Oh no, oh no. So isn't that a terrible thing? Oh, I might be sick. I told you, I told you. Pour this one out and let's end this horrible conceit for an episode. It was good, I liked it, I told you. Pull this one out and let's end this, end this horrible conceit for an episode. It was good, I liked it. I thought you did well. This is the weirdest episode we've done in a while.

I got severely lost in that mate. I know, genuinely. Whereas I blindly ran through it and got into the middle. Also, it doesn't really help. The fact that they are kind of head height and you can peer over the hedges. Yeah. Doesn't really help because it's a spiral shape.

So it's hard to see the points. Literally, I don't remember my way in. I just remember thinking whatever's the quickest route in would be the right. You really did it very fast, though. I boshed through it. Did you come to any dead end? No, I literally made it through in one go.

That's so weird. So weird. Because I thought it was going to be just like, oh, easy peasy. And it kind of was, but I didn't think about it. Because my alarm was going off as I came in for the main entrance. So like, oh, easy peasy. And it kind of was, but I didn't think about it. Because my alarm was going off right as I came in through the main entrance. So effectively, we beat Simon's puzzles. Can I just say Crystal Palace Park, great park.

In it? Got maze, several lakes, skate park, sports center. It's brilliant. It's good. It really is. I love it here. It's a nice little park, isn't it? It's a great way for going and getting fucked up.

No one's messing. Although I've got one. I haven't seen any police. The last challenge we're're gonna do is here. Is it a challenge? Yeah. What do you mean? You've got one challenge to do to set off the final bomb. To defuse the final bomb? Yeah to defuse the final bomb. So you're gonna have to get ready for that.

Right here we go, last bomb, down it, down it, one, buzz bomb. This is a spicy margarita cocktail made with premium tequila, vodka, mango, natural flavours, enjoy your drills. And then it says natural flavours. What does spicy margarita cocktail made with premium tequila, vodka, mango, natural flavors and joy trills. What does a spicy margarita mean though? Oh that's very big at the moment. Spicy Marg they call them. A margarita is tequila, lime juice, triple sec. Shaken.

What's the spicy pot? It's chili. That is so chili hot. Is it hot? Yeah. Oh god that is, woah. Is that hot baby? I take, it's all in a match. It has some spice to it. You've got a little bit of ice in there or something. No I don't, no. It's burning on the way down but not my mouth. This is bad time for ball. Come on you've got to down it. He's down it, he's down it. That's the end of the booze for ball. Come on, you've got to down it.

He's down it. He's down it. That's the end of the booze for today. That's the end of the booze for today. Is my thing still on? Yeah, it's all good. Well, here's the thing. I think... Why have you got two on? No, this is the... The transmitter, so I know we're still recording and stuff.

That's very good. Are we? Yeah. But we're going to be turning it off soon. This is unpleasant as fuck. It's not my favourite one, this. What's your favourite one? Passion fruit? Pawn Star Martini?

The passion fruit one. I think Strawberry Rita for me. That would be a second, maybe. Yeah. Because the other ones were, like, flavourfully fine, but ultimately kind of offset by the horrible... It the ethanol yeah is it's the hotness the ethanol booze ain't great but that's why they're buzz that's the buzz you know you don't drink it no you take it on a bus it's a preloader I do not like that

it's a preloaded I like it I would go through those again I have you seen they do large ones double double-sized ones? Big buzz boards. Do they? I ain't doing... Right, no, they've gone. They're a family of American students. You prefer Desperados, then? Yes, I do espresso Desperados.

I do espresso Desperados. You stress desperation? My phone's ringing. Beep beep, my phone went. Beep beep, my phone went. Oh. Ah. Oh, beep-beep, my phone went. Beep-beep, my phone went? Oh. Ah. Oh, who is this?

I can't remember the accent. It's like that, to keep going. Yes. Oh, yeah. It's like that, yeah. Like that. Simon. Yeah, it's me. Simon. Simon Herry. You have beaten all of my plans, yeah.

And now I have one last one. Simon, I'm sorry I didn't finish in the time. I got lost in the ways and stuff. It's OK, buddy, boy. I love you. I love you. But I am here in the flesh. Oh, no, here he is. He's coming into the park. Has he come into the park?

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I have a bomb strapped to me, Eli. Oh, no. And if you can dodge my wires and turn off my bomb... No, I'm not doing that. ..then you will save everybody's lives today. Wee, wee, wee, wee. I've bought it from a charity shop. Well, fucking set it up then, you cunts.

All right, then. Ladies and gentlemen, the final challenge... Didn't bring any weed out, did you? Did you? The plot's falling apart. Eli's ruined the plot. Did you bring any weed? Eli, what do you think? What do you think, mate? Give us a kiss. Give us a kiss and you can have all the weed I've got. I'm thinking you might not.

Can I have a pinch? Give us a kiss on the lips. Right here in the middle of the thing. I would. Not on your... And I'll give you all the weed. It's not syphilis. It's just I've cut it or something.

I'll do the last thing. I'll do it. I was only joking. I would very much like to bomb you in the middle of a labyrinth. How about that? I'm not up for that. Look at this sweat. I know.

It's a hot day. Look at it. I've got sweat patches. Imagine it was 30 degrees today. We wouldn't have done it. But it's been a lovely day. Thanks for listening everyone. You know it's not real, there's no terrorists and bombs. This is just an excuse for us to run about in It's a good maze. It's a lovely maze. Yeah. And it's nicely kept.

Not exactly Hampton Court. No. Let's set up the final challenge, which is a bun thing, so we can turn these off now. We could have a smokey here, couldn't we? As long as my kids say that. I am Simon and here is my bomb. Right, let's get through this. Bye. Hello Eli and Paul.

It is I, Simon Harry. Your enemy who has been in charge of the interrogation of the day. Now I have one little bomb left for you and for you and I don't know what accent this is I don't know mate I'm very drunk and I don't know. You do Simon just keep Simon going I don't want to hear it. No no I am Simon and I have one more bomb for us to dissent this I have set up a bomb with trip wires as you will see on the camera you're getting a bit spitty drunk and you've got white on your thing. I'm just going to take a picture. I'm going to take a picture of the wires. You've got white on what?

On your shirt. Looks like spunk or something. Where? Where? You can see it on your side. No, that's no. What's that then? And then there's a bomb here. Beep bop beep. Right. And then there's a bomb here. Beep, bop, beep.

Right. I have set up a series of trip traps for you. The trip wires for you. Trip wire. Trip trap wires for you, Eli. Silver moon. A moon. And if you can navigate the wires, you can turn off the bomb and then we can have a battle.

Is there a flash beyond the moon? This is the way it must go. Ladies and gentlemen here we go. I'm going to set the bomb for one minute. I'm going to set the bomb for one minute. Here we go. Here we go. Can you hear it beep-bleep you've got to go

under the wires and then when you come out this end you've got to press the button on the right hand side you've got to go under under this one under under under come out and then press the button here on the side all right I'm gonna start the bomb I'm gonna start the bomb here on the side. All right? Yeah. I'm gonna start the bomb. Zay-y-la-siver-maw. I'm gonna start the bomb. Near-zee-here we go. Here we go. You got 10 seconds to get ready.

You ready? And then it'll beep, bop, beep. Hopefully. Five, four, three, two, one. Here we go. Is it going? Go. Go under it.

Every time you touch the wire, it takes 10 seconds off the clock. And you've only got one minute. He's going for it. Look at him. Quick, come on. Am I doing it? Why did it go boom?

Because I touched it for a laugh. Oh, you can't untouch shit. I am Simon Harry. Let us go into battle. Oh! Fucking get off me, Paul! I'm Simon. You're sweaty. I was doing that properly. You've put... Why have you put the bomb in my pants?

No, no, no. Why have you put the bomb in my pants? Episode's over. Wait, wait, me. Put the bomb in my pants and then Simon blows up. Here we go. Don't put the bomb in my pants. Mine, mine hit Eli. Tick tock, tick tock, tick.

Come on, say something pithy before I blow up. How's that for a hot and spicy bum load? Oh no, my plan is over. My scheme is over. Eli and Paul you have won this one. Goodbye. I had my hands in the fucking dirt and you didn't even make it a proper thing. I spent all this money on a toy you fucking fucked. Three pounds of it. Three pounds in a charity shop on my trip by a bomb game. Well that's Cheap Show over for this week. I hope you've enjoyed this adventure. I think I'm going to vomit actually. I think I might vomit as well.

Man so what's your take on buzz balls? Not very nice. Nasty, nasty business. I was hoping for something tasty but really they are just a quick way of getting booze into your bod. It is it is it is it is the shortcut to fine drinking it's just boo it's it's it's drunkenness without the benefit of joy. Some of them were less objectionable than others I have to say the passion fruit martini a verb a vomit burp yeah I think the passion fruit martini a passion fruit martini was okay and I think that the I actually think the strawberry Rita was all right it was a soapiness but I can get over that all I know is that in a bunch of Holly and Nettles to do this challenge and you

said it off anyway I was doing a whole fucking Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible over the under the laser wire thing hey no one's no one's no one gives me any credit for that do they? You won't. No I won't I refuse to. Look look at that hurty I've got my finger there you can see it. A bum bum woofie woofie hurty a bum bum woofie woofie bum hurty. Well we're just gonna end the episode as he started by fucking mangling everything he says and not being a very good communicator. But I love him. I love him.

Eli, as far as I'm concerned we have killed the last of the hairy family and we shouldn't have to worry about any of them ever more. Until we do Die Hard 5. Until we do Die Hard 5 in Russia. Hey vodka. Well. Any other Diehards we could do? We could do a load of knockoffs, diehards on the Siege Speed, we could do Con Air, we could do Taking Of Beverly Hills, we could do The Rock, we could do Cliffhanger. Those are all 90s action.

They're all diehard knockoffs to some extent. We could do diehard knockoff diehards. Maybe we'll do an episode where if Eli's on his skates and he goes below five miles an hour, I kick him in the balls. Something like that. Mate, that's not under two miles an hour. Well, I honestly don't know how this episode's turned out.

All I know is that me and Eli are stuck in the middle of a maze, pissed off our tits. We're not pissed off our tits. I am pissed off my tits. Well, can I have a... Because all of a sudden, everything's going biffy-boffy-whoop. Is it? Yeah. I need some more water. I am pissed off my tits. Well, can I have a... Because all of a sudden everything's going biffy-boffy-whoop. Is it? Yeah.

I need some more water. I should have bought water. I should have bought water because I'm not feeling very nice now. We'll have a smoke and we'll get some water on the way out of the pub. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was another cheap show. A live action adventure. We hope you've enjoyed it. If not, well, there's always next week, isn't there? There's also other episodes where we don't drink.

If you don't like us drinking, I'd say 95% of every episode we've ever made, we've been sober as a judge on. Yeah. So if you don't like us drinking, because you've got some kind of puritanical fucking objection to it, or whatever, fine. Don't listen to our podcast, how about that? Because we're pro-boos. Go fuck off and listen to Off Menu with James Acast then. Listen, half the fucking cunts out there fucking making podcasts are like, oh drunk girl reads her dad's texts. Drunk gigs talking about Marvel.

Someone does fucking history piss up. Meths and Stalin. Methpod. Hello, welcome to Meth Pod. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Meth pod. . and that is the end of our episode this week Simon is. I'll do some Ritalin by the way. Ritalin's okay, Ritalin's legal. Ritalin's for people. Simon's defeated and we are fully free of the threat of more Hairy Brothers

election. So we'll see you next week on more Cheap Show. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you'd like to support this podcast give what you can but only if you can if you think it's okay going towards buzz balls forever and we are pricey buzz balls ain't cheap they ain't cheap they're really fucking quite expensive probably find them up north for cheaper in some of their stupid supermarkets In Quick Booze or something. Yeah, Quick Booze. K-W-I-K Booze. Quick Booze. However, for now, the one-stop shop is thecheapshow.co.uk for all your Cheap Show needs.

We're on YouTube four nightly with Cheap Shop videos and, yeah, Patreon supporters if you can. I will vomit. Let's be sick in the middle of a maze. That would be bad for all the Patrons using the maze after us. Well, I hope you've had fun, cos we've had fun, and this has been one of the weirdest episodes I've recorded in a while. I'm putting jungle on. Yeah, let's put some jungle on and have a smoke.

Right, we've defeated evil, we're in the Crystal Palace Park, and we'll see you next week on Cheap Show for more economy comedy joy. Until then, good night. You've got your muff in my bag. Ooh, your muff in my bag. Wooo your muff in my bag. Now your muff in my bag. My muff in your bag. I'll get your muff out.

That's right. Yeah let's do it. You could actually get a dick in the end of that muff. I could get two dicks in there. I want to go fuck the hollow lady. I'm going to make the hollow lady not so hollow anymore. And I'm going to put my dick. He's going to be absolutely stuffed, the stuffed lady.

And I'm going to put my dick in the Sphinx and make it stinks. There we go. You know what, I should drink more whilst we do this, because your jokes made me laugh when I pissed. I'm gonna stick my dick in the Sphinx and make it stinks. See you next week, Joe. Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye. See you next week, bye bye.

Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye. See you next week, bye bye. Hey, hey, hey! Oh dear. Turn it off. What a catastrophe. Can you please just turn it off?