CheapShow - Ep 446: Beware The Mad Monk

Starting point is 00:00:00 a little peek behind the curtain here. Dear listeners, we've struggled. We've struggled hard to get you cold open. That was up to our standards that we could both agree on. We've been here days. I've been bailing quick. Paul's been pushing it and then bailing. Yeah. I wanted to do Benny's beans, but Benny's beans wasn't good enough. So I've found something that my friend brought back from LA, Vegas. LA Vegas. Yeah, go on. Imagine that.

Starting point is 00:00:23 Las Vegas. From Las Vegas. All the professional poker players do these. It's a food supplement. Yeah. Called Mad Monk. Right. There's loads of things it does. Are they legal?

Starting point is 00:00:33 Hmm. Oh shit, just don't go, errr. I do not know. Well, in this country are they legal? Hmm. Okay, that again doesn't fill me full of confidence. I'm going to... What does a Mad Monk do?

Starting point is 00:00:44 It helps with focus brain activity Right focus brain task activity You can see what it says in the back right what does it say on the back new sense We've torn it now. I can't read it underneath the tear It says Reaction time. Reaction time. Sharp focus. Sharp focus. Crush free energy. Crash free energy. Crash free energy. I'll be going for hours. Stress control. Oh I don't feel stressed at all. Stamina and recovery. I'm lifting weights. I'm a muscle bounce back. Drive. Error reduction.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Memory and brain. Uh, Jack of hearts, my lad. And then psycho, psycho something control. Psycho motor control. Psycho motor control. That's like sports in that. And that you, you know you haven't actually taken the pill yet so all these are folks you have.

Starting point is 00:01:41 I know but I'm gonna do one right now. Right well Eli's taking- Have a sniff, naff, sniff, snuffle. This is a weird cold open. I just prefer Benny's beans. Oh, there's two of them in there. Do you want one? Yeah, let's both do one.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Yeah, okay. These are all I've got. Do you take the whole one? So if you get addicted you're in trouble. Oh, what can you do? You chew it? Do you? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:59 They're chewable. Oh, I'm numb. Mustache. What? You just gotta get it down, mate. I've got some water. No more drinking on the podcast. That's fucking horrible. What is that? Ew, God.

Starting point is 00:02:07 It's a mad monk. It's not about it being nice. It tastes horrible. I don't like it. It's a little bit bitter isn't it? It's all in my mouth. I can't get it out. This is horrible stuff.

Starting point is 00:02:15 You have to swallow it mate. I know I'm having trouble doing it. I've got water. You want sippy water? Would you like a sip of water? Just sip it. I'm not going to swallow it. I'm not going to swallow it.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I'm not going to swallow it. I'm not going to swallow it. I'm not going to swallow it. I'm not going to swallow it. I'm not going to swallow it. I'm You have to swallow it mate. I know I'm having trouble doing it. I've got water, you want sippy water? Would you like a sip of water? A sippy water? I'm going to have one ok? Ok. I think it's grapefruit flavour or something.

Starting point is 00:02:34 It's very bitumely. It's not, I don't know why, it starts off quite fruity but at the back it is so horribly bitter. I don't know. That's the good shit that's going to give you hype focus man. It's going to make this the best episode ever. Right everyone you heard it here first. No more drinking, no more smoking the evil leaf. None of that. We're on fucking fire this week. We've got a little bit of this. What have we got on the episode this week? I might have ruined my palate.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Food! We're eating food! Oh but we're fucking ruining my mouth with a dirty spit of Mad Monk! It's a foodie episode this week. They used to call it a spute in the Mad Monk. Yeah, they did. And look what happened to him. Exactly. Poisoned, shot, stabbed. Perhaps this is like propaganda from the Russians

Starting point is 00:03:13 trying to give this to Americans to make them do it. What if it gives us a massive horn and we spend the rest of the episode erect and fucking super focused. How instant is this kick it in? Is this going to be one of these things that kicks in after the show's done?

Starting point is 00:03:26 I did do one the other night when I DJ'd. Yeah. I got stomach cramps, slight nausea. Oh no, great, I'm glad you told me that fucking now how I fucking put a horrible biscuit in my mouth like that. You'll be okay. We'll keep this for the ambulance guys. Why is my tongue tingling?

Starting point is 00:03:41 My tongue feels tingly. It's tingly, yeah, it is. It's so bitter, isn't it? It must be strong. I don't know what this is, but ladies and gentlemen, you're about to hear the results of it on this week's edition of Cheap Show. Cheap Show to the mother of all. Welcome to Cheap Show to the mother of all.

Starting point is 00:04:02 It's the voice of shy. Cheap Show to the mother of all. Welcome's Cheap Show, the comedy podcast where Eli and I go for the bargain into charity shops and power lands of Great Britain and wherever in the world we get sent stuff to us from and we eat, evaluate, judge and review the things that we are finding and hope to find some treasure amongst all that trash. For your ears. For your ears. And just a little quick note top of the show, live show tickets still available 18th of October, 2.30 in the afternoon.

Starting point is 00:04:35 Guests, Nick Helm, Rialina, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk or look for Cheap Show on the Cheerful Earful Podcast festival for October 18th, 2025. Come along and join us at the Bedford on the 18th of October for Cheap Show Live. Yeah, there'll be prizes. We're gonna give out those pressing, test pressings with specially made covers that me and you have done. We're gonna do that.

Starting point is 00:04:57 We're gonna do that. We're gonna give them away. We'll keep two for ourselves for the first, but then we'll give the others away. Oh, so I get one of those, do I? Yeah, and I'm gonna have the other one, but then I'll have another copy of the proper one. Well, I want a copy with the cover, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:08 That's it. Anyway, speaking to the mic, Dick Ed, we're on a show, we're doing a podcast. I am speaking into the mic. I'm just trying to move my mouth when I give... When you talk, Ed, I'll show you what happens. Are you getting this thing where there's a good bit of that mad monk stuck in between your teeth

Starting point is 00:05:20 and it's dissolving in the most bitter, horrible way into your mouth. Yeah, it's weird, it feels like I've got... And kind of numbing your tongue. It's like arsenic poisoning. I feel like my teeth are gonna come out. I genuinely feel... I don't feel nauseous or anything right now, but there's a weird heat and a tingle on my tongue, and I'm wondering if this stuff's got fish in.

Starting point is 00:05:33 Oh. No. You know, you might put shell of crab in. Paul, you... You know, I don't know. You make it of your own accord. I know, but I also... I did one the other night. It didn't do me any proper harm. Yeah, but you're not allergic to seafood, are you? Or fish product, are you?

Starting point is 00:05:48 No, but they wouldn't put that in a pill. You don't know. I don't know what they put in the pills that you said- You weren't even sure were legal. Mad monk. Mad monk, yes, I know. We're on the mad monk today. Mmm. Oh, no. You know what? I'm gonna use my monk powers. Mad monk powers.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Mad monk powers to be quiet for a whole fucking episode. That'd be great. Can you be one of those monks that don't say anything? A vow of silence. Yeah? Monk powers, mad monk powers. Mad monk powers to be quiet for a whole fucking episode. That'd be great. Can you be one of those monks that don't say anything? A vow of silence, yeah? Oh, this is great, he's doing it. Oh, it's the Paul Gannon show everybody. This week, Paul Gannon stirs at Eli as he impotently tries to say things

Starting point is 00:06:18 but can't because he's taken a vow of silence now. And I could use this opportunity to attack him, but I won't. It's no fun unless he shouts at me back and we have a bit of a two and throw. And now I need him to talk because I don't like him not saying nothing. You say something now! You say something to Paul right now or we'll not do any snacks and foods this week. You say something to Paul right now!

Starting point is 00:06:41 You say something to Paul! Do it! I ain't said nothing for two minutes I doing a vow fuck your vow I'm a mad speaking monk I speak all day long hello who's brought the papers is it my sister Vera she's come in with the papers through the window! Upside down! Mate, I'm getting a sweat on as well right now. What's in these pills? Mad munch stuff that makes you go mad!

Starting point is 00:07:11 But with hyperfocus, I can see the outline of the letter E. Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. It's very distinct. Oh, I can read the grooves on those vinyl albums. I can actually see each and every single wobble in the groove. Oh, I can see the grooves and it's playing a song in my head. It's going, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, nini, pills are meant to make you hyper focused and sharp of wit but actually just turned you into a bigger cunt. I'm the talking monk I'm the mad rapping monk. Oh no don't be a mad rapping monk. I'm rapping as in the more colloquial sense of talking a lot. Just talking and not just like yeah. Please don't be the mad rapping monk. I'm sure there was a mad

Starting point is 00:08:03 rapping monk. Of course there would have been. In his little gown, in his bald head and everything. And a big mic. Yeah, and a big mic and a big cross dangling from his chest. Yeah. And he holds the mic to the side, that kind of thing. We're not doing that character. Do you think there's ever been a mic that actually had a cross sort of built into it? Yes, I would guarantee you at some point in history someone's turned the crucifix into a kicking ass microphone. A kicking ass microphone? A cooking ass microphone. You couldn't get that out. Try again.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Kicking ass microphone. Kick ass? Kicking ass microphone. No, it's a kicking ass microphone. A kicking ass microphone? Yeah, it kicks ass. It's not kick ass like American stuff like Eli likes. It's kicking ass.

Starting point is 00:08:39 What's coming up on the show then, Paul? Food and shit. Hey, we've got a big reveal. Well, let's get this out the right... Because I need to... Honestly, the taste is really fucked up. No, I know. It's, honestly...

Starting point is 00:08:49 It's ultimate bitter. You know where in nature I've come across a taste that bitter before, Paul? Uh... Ecstasy tablets. Really? Yeah. My next question then. Have I taken a mild form of ecstasy?

Starting point is 00:08:59 No. Good. Maybe. Maybe. Yes, could be. Don't know. It's Mad Monk, innit? If anyone's listening right now, can you go back in time to Monday when we recorded this and just phone the police for me please, or ambulance?

Starting point is 00:09:11 That'd be nice. You're not feeling... Are you feeling unwell? No, not really. But the bitterness is there. That take of it in my mouth is like... And I've still got the tongue tingle. I've got a tongue tingle, I've got the horrible bitter.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Well, let's wash it down with something that has been, well, almost an albatross around our necks in terms of want, but we've got it. You introduce it. It's your big fucking thing. Was it almost an albatross? Yes, because I was getting tired of it. I was getting tired of you talking about it and dropping it in. So now there's closure to this. Alright, fine. You defended your albatross metaphor. Yes, I did. Well, I just want you to back these things up, like I did with...

Starting point is 00:09:44 It's just really heavy....acc I did with It's just really heavy Accubation It's just really heavy No, you had to change the meaning of the thing you said originally to make it fit the term that you'd used incorrectly No, I didn't Oh, that was quite a good sentence, aren't they? Maybe the Mad Monk thing gets showy-swy Hey, they are coming in, I'm telling you

Starting point is 00:09:56 We've both gone 10% more eloquent Eli and I have been entered by the Mad Monk He's round the back Apparently, Rasputin. Ra-ra-rasputin lover of the Russian Queen. He took Mad Monk and got stuff done. Was that a Michael Jackson impression? Apparently he smelled like a donkey, but he still got off with loads of people, which makes you think maybe it's not, you know, de rigueur to wash your nuts all the time.

Starting point is 00:10:25 Perhaps that's bad. Perhaps you need to cultivate some kind of donkey scent. Donkey rind. Donkey butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're talking about... Donkey butter! Cut to me just saying donkey butter and forget the donkey rind. No, I'm going to keep it all in because you have to show your workings, don't you?

Starting point is 00:10:38 Perhaps, I'll just say the whole thing again, perhaps... This is the stuff I'm cutting out. Perhaps it's worth, you know, cultivating donkey butter. In your ball-bags. For what? Being like the mad mug of fucking all-Russian ladies. But again, you're forgetting that the time and period and place of it rather dictates his stinky balls than it being a choice he made to get ladies. What I'm basically suggesting is, if you're in poverty and you're a mad

Starting point is 00:11:05 bastard. He was on the top echelon of Russian society. At the end when he got into the family stuff but until then he was like a pilgrim going all over Russia. He walked across bloody Russia didn't he? With his stinky donkey balls. With his donkey balls stuck in the swamp. He apparently had a bigon. Well no that's the one that they have in a jar. A big hog donkey. It's got Rasputin's dick in a jar. Yes, but it turned out it was a horse's that someone put in there or something. Oh, I've never heard that story. Yeah. Well anyway, Eli, with all that being said, what are you about to drink and close the

Starting point is 00:11:33 book on this Albert Tross? Hello everyone. I'm Albert Tross. I'm Albert Tross and I'm just going to hang around for a bit and just sit here. You've killed the mood now. That's what I do, isn't it, Albert Tross? Will you fuck off? No, I'm going to stay here. Hey bit and just sit here. That's what I do, isn't it Albert Tross? No, I'm gonna stay here. Hey Tross.

Starting point is 00:11:46 What? Tros John. No. Tros John Tros. Yeah, I'm just gonna hang around mate. Hey Tros. I'm just gonna hang around. Tros.

Starting point is 00:11:52 Do you really want to drink this? I don't think you should. You haven't even tell me, you haven't given me a chance to fucking say what it is. I'm sorry Del, I'm just, I'm just... I'm sorry Del too. I'm sorry mate, I'm just... I'm sorry mate. Am I interrupting your work?

Starting point is 00:12:04 Yes. Go on. Truffle along, Trossoff! Go on, then. I'm just Albert Tross. God, the worst kind of... And a bit of a burden. I just don't like them. Right, we're not doing this on the show. And that's it for Segment Over. No! No!

Starting point is 00:12:20 We're not doing it... I'm sorry. We're not doing it on the show. I'm sorry. Come on, bring it back. No! Say please. Please. And say that Albert Tross is a fine character... He's fucking mad about Tross. We're not doing it on the show. I'm sorry. Come on, bring it back. No, say please. And say that Albert Tross is a fine character within the prism of cheap shows focus. You know what, Paul? I think we should bring Albert Tross back and do a whole hour long sort of special narrative episode featuring only him. Me. Albert. You know what?

Starting point is 00:12:43 I don't like him. I know he's boring. I tried to tell you. He's meant to be a boring character, isn't he? He's meant to be boring and a weight around your neck that ruins something. God, he really is. He's ruined this whole episode. This pill hasn't kicked in very well. You're not funny as yet, and my characters are all too similar to anything else, aren't they? Oh, you're derailing it yourself. We had a nice logo. Anyway, look, we found Coca-Cola Orange Creme in his shop, and now we're derailing it yourself. We found Coca-Cola orange

Starting point is 00:13:05 creme in his shop and now we're gonna drink it. Here we go. After Eli demand, well basically it shows you that with a little bit of terrorism you can get what you want. Eli Silverman threatened to blow up Coca-Cola factories unless he got what he wanted and they got what he wanted. We've learned that giving them what they want wins. So that's good isn't it? Yeah it's come over we've seen it in several shops but the first shop we spotted it was on Finchley Road and we cleaned them out, didn't we? And now today I just bought this can today and it was their last one. And they say they're getting another shipment like maybe so I think

Starting point is 00:13:36 they'll get more in. But it could be the start of what I'm calling preemptively Paul, the great orange cream drought of 2025. You heard it here first. It's a trend, everyone. Whereas I'm thinking it could catch on and cause a renaissance. You know what I mean? Like a flavor renaissance for Coca-Cola. It is literally the best thing they've done in years.

Starting point is 00:13:58 Literally the best flavor they've done in years. I quite like the lemon, but this is head and shoulders above it. This is nice, isn't it? It's really nice. It's got a little bit of orange, orange cola, which is fine, but it's also got a really nice creamy aftertaste. That vanilla, it just brings it all together. Brings it all together.

Starting point is 00:14:13 And the way that the vanilla creaminess works with the orange zest, then underneath you have that sort of cola, and it really sort of brings up the more botanical, herbal almost elements of the cola, like the cola nut itself. It almost accentuates that flavour of the cola. Do you see what I mean? Ho ho! And the cola nut! Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I'm the cola! No. No. Paul, that really was bad. That really was bad. It's made me tired. We'd meant to be tasting this. I've tasted it. It's good. I'd give it a solid 9 out of 10. What do you think though? Would you still prefer that raspberry one that we tasted?

Starting point is 00:14:54 Because we tasted a limited edition Canadian raspberry, was it? Newfoundland raspberry. I don't know what it was, but it was nice. Was it a Cheap Shop video we did that on? Can't remember. It was lovely anyway and I got a few of them and yeah they're gone now I can't see them anywhere. God I love that. That orange cream Coca-Cola. Oh dear I did a burp. Oh no I'm gonna get shouted at on the internet. I would go so far as to say that is the best new variant of any soft drink I've seen in five years. I can't think of anything else that has improved. And you watched them roll it out in the UK as a normal brand but under the Coke Zero banner. I'd guarantee you that's what's going to happen.

Starting point is 00:15:30 Because don't they do Coke Zero orange already? Because I know there's lime and lemon and cherry. No, there's no orange one, no. Then leave this alone, Coke. Just let it be. It's lovely. Well, do both. They could do both. They had zero one and a full sugar one. Oh, no. You don't prefer the raspberry one to this or anything? It's tricky because I just, I prefer personally more berry cherry flavours in my cola. I've often been let down by orange cokes in that they're a little bit kind of sickly,

Starting point is 00:15:57 whatever in the coke. Well we did taste a bunch from Germany because it's a normal thing to mix it with orange in Germany. Yes, but. To the extent that they actually put out cola, orange cola drinks as a whole category. Yeah, but my issue is there's more of a kind of Pepsi Cola flavour profile to those that I didn't particularly jive with. I'd have to go back and listen to it and my reaction.

Starting point is 00:16:15 But ultimately, in terms of like citrus cola flavours, this is the best one ever. Yeah, easily. Easy. And it's the vanilla, the addition of the vanilla. Yeah, add a bit of cream to something. Mwah. Yes. Trade mani-fee. And I'm not a huge lover of cream soda, just as a category. I don't find it as thirst quenching. But I like it as an additional flavour to an already existing profile. Yeah, absolutely. You know, like Dr Pepper cream soda. It takes the zest

Starting point is 00:16:37 and it kind of amplifies it and fucking smooths off the rounds off the edges as well. Oh, yeah, no, I agree. I think I'm feeling that monk. I agree. Because when I move, I'm getting psychomotor control. Can you see? All you've done is move your hand up in the air then down again, like most people would do on a daily basis.

Starting point is 00:16:54 No, I'm going around in a circle, man. It's mad monk, it's mad monk martial arts. I'm getting through my brain stem into my hands. Did you hear? Sean Connery's female relative was into very, very specific kind of peculiar stuff, but that was just female relative was into very, very specific, kind of peculiar stuff. But that was just because she was his niche. Did you just think that? Yeah! It's the monk, man! It's the monk coming

Starting point is 00:17:14 through! It's the monk's making me funnier! We all heard me be funny just then. Niche. She's my niche. You know what? The build-up could work. I know, I know. But in the moment I'm panicking, I'm panicking because I'm thinking you're going to interrupt me and I need to get it out and thinking it through. You know? It's like nephew and niche. Something like, you know what I mean? It's there.

Starting point is 00:17:34 It's working it. Let's go on. It's good. Anyway, why are you giving the orange creme out of 10? It gets, no, out of five, which is what we score these things. Do we? I just gave it a nine out of 10. Well, what can you translate that into a five point stuff?

Starting point is 00:17:46 I don't think I can. Well, it won't go down in the record book as an actual review. Won't it? And now you're just copying on cinema. No, because every other fucking drink, every other fucking... When they did that with the popcorn rating on Joey. So you're just ripping that off now. Oh, it's funny, and it's always hard to do original stuff, Mr Silverman, isn't it? Now, Paul, what would you say out of five?

Starting point is 00:18:06 4.3 out of 5. I go 4.9. It's almost my favourite drink of all time. I think I would put a raspberry one above it, but that's just personal taste mate, personal tastes. Oh god, I love that so much, my god, I just drank the rest of it. Right good, well I've got a little bit left so so I'm going to sup at that and eke out throughout the episode so I can use it as a nice palate cleanser for the things we're about to eat. And those things are coming now! Right, it's time to put things into our mouths. And in between

Starting point is 00:18:41 you picking up things on the way here, a small part of a PO box offering here, we've got some hot sauce and we've got some snacks for you to enjoy. So let's get right into it, Mr. Silverman. What have you got for us, Mr. Silverman? Now, there is an ongoing war in the corn chip world, Paul. And that war, they take no prisoners. Doritos versus Tarkis.

Starting point is 00:19:08 Different shapes, you can tell them apart on the battlefield. Doritos are triangular, whereas Tarkis are rolled up sticks. And here they come marching along. Now, Tarkis are no... Attention! Alright Paul, yeah thanks. Thanks for that. It was good working, but now can you- I'm in the Tarkie army. Alright, good. Clap, clap, clap, clap.

Starting point is 00:19:29 Yeah, the Tarkie army. I'm in the- The Tarkie army. There you go, that's my contribution to this segment. Take it or leave it! I'm in the Doritos Plateaus- Doritos regiment. No, there's nothing that rhymes with that. Doesn't have to rhyme, just make it kind of- I'm in the Doritos Navy coming up through the sea. Dorito Navy? Dorito Navy? That's rubbish! Can you shut up? Honestly, I'm trying to introduce these, I've got something

Starting point is 00:19:55 to say. Don't ruin my conceit, please. Now, Doritos known for being cheesy, cheesy nacho flavoured corn chips. Takis were a more recent thing and they've come onto the scene and they are spicy but more importantly the Tarkis thing is they get your mouth addicted to their sourness, the extreme, they're almost like the sour patch kids of crisps. Right, I see, to condition your gob into accepting these. You've had Tarkis with me. They're moorish because they're so... I'm in the Tarky army. You suck your cheeks in because they're so tart.

Starting point is 00:20:29 They can be. Sour. Plus... And they turn your shit green because you fucking demolish bags in your room at night. I did some zombie nitros and they turned my shit blue in a Costa toilet. There you go. And I thought I was going to have to call the ambulance. Then I remembered. I'd done a whole bag of...

Starting point is 00:20:42 You'd hold on a thing. I would. Anyway, Tarkies are known to be hot, but they want to muscle in on the Doritos cheese market and indeed the hers and Cheetos themselves. Cheetos are cheese flavoured, but takis didn't have a cheese flavoured thing until now. Intense nacho. These are cheese flavoured takis. And you can see on the side of this orange packet, it has the heatometer that they have on and it says non-spicy. This is not a spicy taki.

Starting point is 00:21:11 Heatometer? Yeah. A thermometer would have been just as good. I like calling it a heatometer. What if it was cold though? How would the heatometer measure it? In negative heat. So you just what?

Starting point is 00:21:21 You heard me. Just call it a coldometer. Coldometer. Hot-tometer, cold-tometer. Cold-ometer. Hot-tometer, cold-tometer. Hello, two men walk into a bar. Cold-tometer, hot-tometer. He says to the barman, do you want a movie?

Starting point is 00:21:34 Sorry, sorry. Do you want a movie? Yeah, I'm beginning to think these Mad Monk things do fuck all. Ladies and gentlemen, just for the record, because obviously there was a little bit of silence there, Eli's just bent double on his chair, laughing at something that I thought was illegible and nonsensical.

Starting point is 00:21:55 Just utter dog shit podcast content. If you don't mind me saying so, I'm really sorry. Do you want a baby? No, no, no, you can carry on saying it, mate, but it's only gonna make you laugh to be me? No, no, no. You can carry on saying it, mate, but it's only going to make you laugh. If anyone is laughing at this, they're laughing at your complete, utter mental breakdown. I'm fine. I'm fucking fine.

Starting point is 00:22:12 You don't look fine. You're crying. I don't. This is just... Do you want to be me? I actually resent that you're getting so much enjoyment out of this because it's just awful. Oh god! Oh god! If anyone heard this from a medical profession, they would be genuinely concerned for your mental health these mad monks things are good for you they never get me alive they've turbo

Starting point is 00:22:51 boosted your hysteria is what they've done do you want to please get your fucking shit together I don't want to spend 70 fucking hours recording this week's podcast that's just like Did he just wet your pants? No. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli just wet his pants with laughter. That is tragic. 50 years old. I have not, look Paul, I have not.

Starting point is 00:23:13 You can look. I've put them off right in the way of your ball bag. I have not wet myself everywhere. I saw your fucking Wogan's nuggets and I fucking had to look away. I've got my shorts on everyone. Anyway, just to reiterate, the joke went like this. You've split your balls over. Just so you know you split your balls across the two pad lengths

Starting point is 00:23:28 Yeah, I've given myself a total male camel joke It's just weird that I managed to see that when I looked down once I just saw the separation of balls. It's nice. It's sort of like a bra Yeah You know each one supported by a different half of the short. And just for everyone else listening, just in case you need context, his penis, West Side Story. West Side Story. So Hot-Tometer and Cold-Tometer walk into a bar. No, come on, we need to wrap this up.

Starting point is 00:23:53 The bar man says, just to get this right for the record, this is the joke that I've just written, okay? Hot-Tometer, Cold-Tometer walk into a bar. The bar man says, do you want a baby? Right, so should we try these tarkeys? This fellow wants to walk into a bar and starts putting his finger in everyone's drinks. The barman says what you doing? And the fellow man says I'm just testing the water. Ha ha ha ha. I'm working on it. At least I'm trying gags. At least I'm trying humour, as opposed to going, is it a baby?

Starting point is 00:24:25 Is it a baby? That is funny, man. Is it? There's something funny about it and you're going to set me off again if you keep reminding me of it, okay? So, cold thermometer. Okay, this thermometer goes into a bar and goes, I want a free drink. The barman goes, I'm not going to give you a free drink.

Starting point is 00:24:44 And the thermometer says, all right, if you can guess what kind of thermometer I am, I want a free drink. The barman goes, I'm not gonna give you a free drink. And the thermometer says, all right, if you can guess what kind of thermometer I am, you, I won't have a free drink. I'll buy everyone in this bar a drink. And the barman goes, all right. And he picks up the thermometer, puts it in his mouth. And he goes, do you know what it is? The barman goes, yeah, rectal, rectal thermometer.

Starting point is 00:24:59 Because it tastes of poo. Because it tastes of shit. And he put a shitty thermometer in his mouth. And that's my gag! Now, I think that's good, let's talk about it a little bit more. No, we need to taste these takis because basically all I'm trying to say is takis are moving into the cheese flavoured area to compete with other big brands. Like Cheetos. Wouldn't you agree that that's why they've gone for this? Come on, I'm going to give you enough.

Starting point is 00:25:22 Look, it's got a little arrow where you're meant to tear it open. That's not how packets of crisps were in the old days, were they? Pinch and pull. Why did that change? Because we live in a society of monsters. It's pinch and pull not tear and pour. They've actually put it put it on like an arrow now. I know and I'll be writing to them. You know what it is good for? I'll be writing to them and complaining. You won't be writing to anyone. When was the last time you wrote an actual letter? 18 years ago. When was the last time you wrote an actual letter? 18 years ago or something. When was the last time you ever wrote a letter? About 18 years ago. Yeah, to Santa Claus to ask for a game or something or a toy.

Starting point is 00:25:52 No, I never wrote to Santa. You never? Why didn't you believe in him? Did your parents spoil that when you were young? We're more atheistic in my household, so what? So you never enjoyed the idea of Santa Claus? I did enjoy the idea of Santa Claus. Yeah, he did, but you never visited Eli, did he? He did. He never came for Eli, did he?

Starting point is 00:26:07 He fucking did. Yes, he did. Santa never came for Eli, did he? Yes, he did. Why do you keep assuming all these things? Because you were a bad boy. You were on his naughty list. And he never came for Eli. And that's what your parents said when every Christmas you opened up a big box of coal and tangerines, didn't you? That's all you had. What a tough upbringing.

Starting point is 00:26:24 I like tangerines. It explains so much, doesn't it, about's all you had. What a tough upbringing. I like tangerines. It explains so much, doesn't it, about Eli's mentality. Can you shut up, please? Eli, the little boy who Santa never visited. Oh, it's breaking me heart. I've given this, now you ready. I'm actually bored of this week's episode. Come on.

Starting point is 00:26:36 I know, you were bored from the word go. Come on. Just love me for a moment. Give me attention. Don't love me for fun. Girl. Let me be the one. Love me for a reason. And let that reason be love. The smell of my farts being very binty.

Starting point is 00:26:52 Eli's donkey butter balls. Donkey butter balls? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Please actually say some material. Oh, some material? Yeah, please say something that's content. Right, can we just get this on? Fucking you keep interrupting me. Please actually say some material. Oh, some material? Yeah, please say something that's content. Right.

Starting point is 00:27:07 Can we just get this on? Fucking you keep interrupting me, that's why I can't... Come on then. I'm genuinely sorry for interrupting you, I'm really sorry. One thing that these... Genuinely shouldn't have told me about this, now I've highlighted it, now I have to lean into it. Sorry. Sorry. Paul's a dickhead. Paul's such a massive dickhead. God, he's such a dickhead. He's like a big wobbly jelly boy dickhead walking down the street like that Mr. Soft

Starting point is 00:27:29 Dad when his big dicky head, all splooging white creamy mint sauce, all splooging out his... That's a bad monk! That's a bad monk, mate! All I wanted to say was, that new way of opening Capacus crisps are good for getting... He's having a little breakdown now. Ten minutes and we still can't open these crisps. It's good for getting a snuff report. I want a snuff report from you.

Starting point is 00:27:54 Come on, quick, quick, quick. Sorry, it's my fault. I'm Jocelyn the Rosylaiting and I'm about to open for the snuff report from Paul. Oh, wouldn't you just know it. Oh, here we go. Wouldn't you fucking just know it? Oh, here we go. You fucking just know it. I've got a dodgy one. Eli's fingers can't do the trick. There we go. Pinch and pull. Pinch and pull works. Pinch and pull. But that other way. Oh, I've got a niff, naff, naff, a gaff coming up. There's hot tacky gas coming through the. Oh, fucking

Starting point is 00:28:20 hell. You're gonna have to cut that because I said that by mistake. Please cut that. I have cut that out, but can I just say, it was hilarious when he said it out loud and then caught himself saying it out loud. I didn't mean it like that. If you listen to the end of the episode, I'm gonna cut it in. No, don't.

Starting point is 00:28:36 You listen to him being offensively racist there. Come on, have a sniff of that. Is that cheesy? I can't even smell anything. I mean, I can, but it's really, it's not. It's supposed to be intensely cheesy. I can't see that on the nose. Honestly, honestly, I'm not even smell anything. I mean I can but it's really it's not it's supposed to be intensely cheesy I can't see that on the nose. Honestly. Honestly. I'm not just saying that maybe I'm a bit longed up today I don't know it smells kind of like like a rabbit touch, right? Oh god, but there's no cheesy sense of fire

Starting point is 00:28:56 It just smells like like a rabbit touch. I'm getting a cheese a fake cheese smell. They're bright orange. Just like Cheetos cheese smell. They're bright orange just like Cheetos. I like them. I think they're boring. They taste like those nacho cheese Doritos rolled up don't they? Yeah. Oh well. I think they're boring. I'm going to use them to dip into one of the sauces though. Do you want to say that again when you've not got a mouthful of food? Oh they're really salty. Yeah actually the thing is well they are salty you're right and I think that salt's there to kind of like push up the cheesy note. Like trying to sort of do some of the work that a real cheese note would do, you know what I mean? It's fine. It just lacks its tackiness, if that makes sense. Yeah, the mad selling point of Takis is that spicy sour.

Starting point is 00:29:42 Yeah, it's weird because I was expecting something a little bit more intense and actually it's quite mundane, personally speaking. It's not horrible. It's not a horrible snack. It's just... No, but they're, like I say, they're just trying to compete with the cheese. Wash it down lovely little bit of Coca-Cola orange crab. Get that taste now. Get that taste. Savour this and not just go...

Starting point is 00:30:01 I was thirsty. Throw it down your gullet. I'm going to sup on it and enjoy. I got this. This might be the last one I ever drink. I don't know if I'm ever getting it again. We do have one can we're sending to event. Event, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:11 Yeah, we're going to send event a package soon. Once you get your arse together and pull a few things out. Of my arse. If needs be. Oh, oh, it's delicious. It really is good, isn't it? It really is good. Right, next thing we're doing.

Starting point is 00:30:22 We want a source report. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do source report. Hello everybody and welcome to a mini segment of cheap no cheap show. That mad monk has done fuck all for Eli Silverman. Hello everybody and welcome to a little sub segment of the main show that we like to call the source report. Now I was I do want to interrupt I'm really sorry. That's okay. Go ahead. Emails and letters say when we're there when will there be 24-hour rolling source reports?

Starting point is 00:31:05 And I have to say, it's just not feasible with our staff and infrastructure. We just can't roll that out. We are actually waiting for... I don't want to name any names, but we're in talks with a big source company. Big source company. Rhymes with Times. Yes. And they are in talks with us and they were talking about a big rolling source reports

Starting point is 00:31:29 channel. Yes. And we'll keep you abreast of the situation as and when it becomes pertinent to give the information you need to get your 24 hour source reports. Here's a little nugget of source report portage for you though. I went to KFC the other night. I got all three of their dipping sauces. The supercharger, which is type of spicy mayo. Very good. Better than all of their food items. Then they also have a very nice buttermilk

Starting point is 00:31:54 garlic mayo. For those who don't like it spicy, but do like a garlicky one. And then they also have your standard barbecue. Nice. Also, I've got a question for you. Have you? You know when you're in a McDonald's and you get a ketchup, very often it is branded Heinz. Ah they've stopped doing that. I got brown sauce and it just came in a generic brown sauce packet, no HP. I got tomato ketchup on it, says McDonald's tomato ketchup on it. Now what's happened there? The deal's broken down with Heinz. See, deep, deep, deep, deep sauce report. What's going on behind the scenes at McDonald's and Heinz? Has there been a falling out?

Starting point is 00:32:27 Did they just run out of their contractual obligations to one another? Possibly. They renegotiated. It's a shame. We're going to send our reporter out to find out. Now, someone did get in touch with me on Instagram. We need to taste that Morley's Heinz Morley's chicken, fried chicken sauce. Well, when we get it, we can get it.

Starting point is 00:32:45 I should get it. I was in the Sainsbury's, I need to grab it. You need to grab it. Because I do think that's a limited edition. Yeah. And we need to taste it. What we should do is just get some chicken. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:53 Some nugs or something. Get some nugs. And we'll do that. So I do want to taste that because I'm interested. Whenever we do night busing, we often part, and especially in South London, we pass a bunch of Mawley's. But they're all in North London as well. They're all in North London as well. You know you're in South London when you see about six in a row

Starting point is 00:33:09 basically. So just a quick thing we're going to do two hot sauces now. I'll let you do yours in a minute but the one we've got here comes from a well it comes from a PO box of which there are many things inside so to Jordan who sent that, will cover your price of shite and other things at a later date. However, we are going to tackle the hot sauce you gave us now. This is, I even like the fact that it on the letter he's written Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot sauce report. That's right. He obviously has taken the assignment seriously. Yes. And this looks like a really interesting sauce. This is called, it says, well, it says some local Croydon hot sauce. Oh yeah. They sell

Starting point is 00:33:45 limited runs of this in the coffee shop near me. I think someone makes it in their garage to be honest. There's so much, and sometimes these sauces that people have made like hobby sauces for want of a better word, are really lovely. So I like, does it name the pepper strain used? It's carbonero. It's yellow. So let me read it out. I reckon it's got mustard in it. Ingredients. It's a very plain bottle with a very simple sticker on the front. And a nice opaque yellow colour.

Starting point is 00:34:13 Yeah. Yellow habanero chilli. Told you. Mango. Pineapple. Oh yeah, fruity one. Garlic, ginger and apple cider vinegar. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:22 It says once open keep me in the fridge for six weeks and this is batch number two made on the 6th of the 10th, sorry 10th of the 6th 2025. That's this year so it's fresh. So I'm going to open this now and see what there is inside. No carrots to bulk it up and a nice list of ingredients there in terms of like some actual herbs and ginger. Yeah it's very fruity. Fruity on the nose. Oh yeah have a sniff it's an interesting one it's fruity in a terms of like some actual herbs. It is very... Ginger. Yeah, it's very fruity. Fruity on the nose? Oh yeah, have a sniff. It's an interesting one. It's fruity in a kind of like... Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that smell. That's really giving it...

Starting point is 00:34:53 How would you describe it? Because it's like, obviously there's the chilli there. You've got the habanero, which is a very fruity chilli. It's known for its fruit notes, tropical fruit notes. And then you've got that cider vinegar, which is almost like a sweet cider, but then in the back, giving it a kind of umami wash and bringing it all together is the garlic. Oh, yeah, that's what the garlic is that offsets the fruit.

Starting point is 00:35:16 And it's giving it so... It's really lovely smelling. Pour a little bit out. What are we dipping it in with? I've just realised we do... We can use these takis. Shall I pour it in one of these ramekins some of this? Yeah, just pour a little bit in garlic. What are we dipping it in with? I've just realised we do some- We can use these- Tarkies. Alright. Shall I pour it in one of these ramekins some of this? Yeah, just pour a little bit in the ramekins.

Starting point is 00:35:28 This is such delicious smelling hot sauce. A lot of these sort of cottage hot sauce manufacturers do go for a fermented style. Yeah. A pickled hot sauce, so to speak. And those you keep out because they're already sort of fermented a bit. I like those. In fact one of my favourite bottles in recent years was sent in by a listener and it was a red fermented one similar to this. They've done their own little label here.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Yeah, no, all very good. Pour a little bit out though. Just called Hot Chili something or the other. South Croydon Hot. Yeah, fine. That's where Morley could get Morley's. You could, you could probably go to Morley's, slap it on your Morley's if you wanted to. What's the consistency like as I pour it out? I think it's going to be runny but with chunks.

Starting point is 00:36:09 Oh, I was right. No, it's quite smooth. Is it chunky? Yeah. Just a little bit of... Oh, it smells so good. This would be with pork or chicken. This would be perfect for me.

Starting point is 00:36:19 Yeah. That's what I'd like it with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or... White meat. You know what it's also a little bit like? It's got like notes of like lemongrass and Thai flavours. Citrus, there's definitely a citrusy note coming through. I can imagine this with rice even as well.

Starting point is 00:36:31 Oh, it'd be lovely. You know what it'd be lovely with on almost anything. Pizza, anything with some fruit. There'll be a sweetness. I'm going to put my finger in it. All right, well, have me do a dip first. Okay. Let me do a dip and then you can get dirty with it.

Starting point is 00:36:45 Yeah. I guess actually with these being reasonably quote unquote plain flavored. They're cheese flavored. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's nothing overwhelming that will ruin the hot sauce. You know, another thing I was gonna say, this in a cheddar sandwich with some pickles. Oh, cheeky, yeah, cheeky. Like Branston and this.

Starting point is 00:36:59 Really, because the fruit notes were really, and the sweet notes. Are you getting, are you managing to taste anything there? Ooh, the heat comes, it's very sweet. The heat comes a lot later. That is quite hot though. Nice heat. I love that. I would put that in almost anything.

Starting point is 00:37:13 Yeah, you know what? That's lovely because you get the heat, but what it doesn't do is like over, completely mask the flavor. There's a lot of flavors. You get a lot of flavor first before the heat takes over. Yeah. Oh, what would we, what we rating this out of five, I guess? I don't know. What do you

Starting point is 00:37:27 want to do? Five? I'll go four. I might meet you there. Very nice. All right. Next is Eli was sent this one from a friend who went to Las Vegas, who also gave you the Mad Monk. That's right. Illegal. I'm getting a sweat on. I don't know if it's because it's warm. It's just a sweaty room. Or whether I'm about to have like some anaphylactic shock or something. You're not. What if it makes me like, brings out... Horny. God, that's what you thought about that.

Starting point is 00:37:50 You had, because you did hold it a whole bit about it. No, I didn't. We were going to get erect and remember? No, that was different. That was a different thing I was getting erect for. Because I thought it could have been a, what if it was a Viagra? Super Viagra. Yeah, that's what you said just now and before. Yeah, but back then I was just talking about the fact that it could be Viagra. And what you're saying now...

Starting point is 00:38:04 I wasn't talking about actually being horny about it. What I'm saying is what if it makes my impulses, my negative violent impulses come to the top? Your compulsion control? Yeah what if it just means I just get up and snap your neck? No because it says on the back that it's all about control and hyperfocus. Yeah what if I hyperfocously want to snap your neck? Well I don't know.

Starting point is 00:38:22 I'll just do it. I mean why do you always threaten me with violence on the show? Because sometimes that's all I've got left. All I've got left is the sweet sound of snapping bone before... All you've got to start with is violence in your mind. That's all you've got in your mind, violence. It is. There's no wit.

Starting point is 00:38:36 No. That's for sure. I don't think there is. That's how we started. Everyone, we're having an off day. I've got violence and you've got insanity. At least I've got insanity. Blip blop blip. I'll kill ya!

Starting point is 00:38:47 Now, my friend was covering the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So you're allowed to name him? Not the whole name, you can call him Bob or whatever. Adam. On his day off, he wanted to go and do something. And so he went to this Meow Wolf, who are like an art group and they do installations. That's the name of the Meow Wolf. Yes. So it's this big sort of interactive neon darkroom game thing. Meow Wolf, who are like an art group and they do installations. That's the name of the Meow Wolf.

Starting point is 00:39:05 Yes. So it's this big sort of interactive neon dark room game thing. Right. And inside it is a fake supermarket known as Amiga Mart. Right. And there's sort of like some game where you have to collect things. And then once you've collected them all, you become staff and they give you a little badge and then you can go in different places.

Starting point is 00:39:24 It's and they've got other sites across the States. Apparently there's some kind of narrative. It sounds like Squid Game. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. But it's an art installation or whatever. And I think they've got like gigs in there and stuff. It's just like crazy. Fine, that's fun. But there's also this Omega Mart, which is a weird fake supermarket that has real products. And he brought me back some hot sauce.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Quick question. Was this something he had to buy with real money? You have to buy, you pay 40 bucks to get in to the whole experience. To the whole experience I think. But then that thing, did he have to buy it separately or was it something that he got as part of the experience? No I think you can actually buy products in the store. Okay. Because this is an odd one.

Starting point is 00:40:00 This is Molten Hot Cheddar Bunker Pulverised Paste. See and it's all got this weird sort of almost real copy. But ever so slightly removed from reality. Yes, and it's got this weird illustration on it where it's got... Describe that illustration on the pack of this sauce bottle. So the whole vibe is like warning ticker tape kind of... Black and red stripes. Well, black and yellow. Black and yellow, which is nature's warning, isn't it, like wasps. Oh that's true, yeah that's where that comes from I guess. Ready to slop from prepper's choice sauces, which suggests that this is the kind of thing that... A prepper is a doomsday prepper. Yeah

Starting point is 00:40:35 exactly. Excellent source of orange, because it's a very orange sauce apparently and they're bringing attention to that fact. Now it is a hot sauce and it is a cheese flavored hot sauce. But it says pulverized paste. So what is it suggesting with that? If you look at the actual ingredients, cheese is there and chili is there. Uh, I'm going to take your word for it because this type is the smallest thing. I've had a borrower with a fucking difficulty reading that text. Anyway, I just want to read one quick thing out.

Starting point is 00:41:01 Obviously warning, warning, warning, blah, blah, blah. Official source of the big day. I presume that means doomsday. Oh, warning, warning, warning, blah, blah, blah. Official source of the big day. I believe that means Doomsday. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, it's all. It has three sizes on the side, right? With a little box to check. And this one is checked at slurp size. But the two other sizes you can get, according to this label, is spill size

Starting point is 00:41:19 and flood size. Yeah, see, it's all jokey and it's weird. But this is like chummy copy adjacent, though, right's all jokey and it's weird. But this is like Chummy Copy adjacent though, right? It's more like weird copy adjacent. It's almost like a... I kind of think it's a bit more annoying. It's almost like a parody or sort of like weird mirror world of sort of a supermarket. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:36 But yeah, it's not annoying in the way that Chummy Copy is annoying. It's slightly annoying in the same way because it's kind of like we're better than Chummy Copy in our own Chummy Copy. Yeah, but I think in the context of the Omega Mart with all the other weird surreal products and adverts, it kind of makes more sense. Maybe. Do you see what I mean? I don't think you get this in the shelf of a normal supermarket. You can only get this- It could be more because it's been rebranded for that. No, that definitely is. This is definitely because it's all that weird copy on it. They don't sell this in normal stuff. So this is, and I haven't seen this before, a cheese chilli flavoured sauce. We've never had anything similar really?

Starting point is 00:42:12 It's very unusual to actually put the cheese in with the chilli in sauce form. I'm just Oh my god look at how bad it is at the top. Separated, you're going to have to shake it up like Orangina. Oh my god it looks like it could be extremely hot Paul. Really? Just saying yeah. What do you think that brown stuff is? it looks like it could be extremely hot. Really? Yeah. What do you think that brown stuff is?

Starting point is 00:42:26 That looks like extract. Yeah. Chili extract. Capiscum? Capiscum extract. Did I get it right? Mate, the mad monks kick it in. Capiscum or caspicum?

Starting point is 00:42:35 Sometimes people say capiscum. I think it's spelled caspiscum or something like that. Something weird with these S before the C. It's like when you let a cat walk over your head. You get some capisc come on your head. If you're not careful. If it's got a dribbly long knob, yeah. Mate, seriously, sometimes when my cat's on stombies for a little bit too long,

Starting point is 00:42:51 and I move him away, his little dip is hanging out and I've got a sticky arm. Cat piss come. Your cat's ancient, that's why. He's not age, I mean he's 18. And what's the oldest a cat's ever been? I think like 20 something? 26 maybe? I don't know. I hope he goes forever. He's

Starting point is 00:43:05 older than I expected him to be, but you know, he doesn't look old. I'll say that for him. He's like us, looking good for our age. Ready to slop. Molten hot cheddar bunker. Oh yes, it is all very prep of the bunker. So that's the theme. Now this has definitely got a different chilli profile. It's more of a tomato-y smell and there's a cheese Smells like pimento cheese. Have you ever had that pimento cheese stuff? That's exactly what that smells like. It smells similar to the hot sauce there But where the fruity thing was forefront you get the cheese here like a cheddar-y bit like a sharp cheddar Yes, there's no fruit where the fruit the fruit is missing that the fruit that was present the first sauce. There must be a bit of fruit. I think this is going to be hotter,

Starting point is 00:43:48 Paul. So put some in the ramekin number two. Ramekin number two. Oh, he's poured out a load there. Because the last time I didn't get enough on the tacky. Okay, so I want another tacky. You want to taste it with your finger? Fine. Paul's had a little bit on his finger of the cheddar bunker. What we what's going on there? So, I mean, there's a little bit of t finger of the cheddar bunker. What's going on there? So, I mean, there's a little bit of tingly heat. Maybe it'll get worse in a minute, but there was almost nothing to that to me. There's that vinegar flavour. There's a cheese flavour. Weak cheese.

Starting point is 00:44:15 Oh, it's definitely not as hot as that stuff, is it? It's almost, it's kind of flavourless. No, it's a cheese, it's a light cheese flavour and a vinegar. No, light cheese is a fruit, mate, you got that wrong. A light cheese. Oh, I made a mistake. I like that. Yeah, mate, really? I know what you mean about it being flavourless, but I can distinctly taste cheese. I was going to be good on a cheesy taco. Maybe. I'm a bit unimpressed with it. I much prefer the sauvcroyden one. This is more like a standard mass produced one. You know like the box that we tasted for a video? It's got that kind

Starting point is 00:44:49 of... he's had one on a Taki. It hasn't improved his opinion. It's watery. Yeah. I was expecting something much thicker and much more like not salsery I guess? Or you know like a dip, salsa dip kind of thing? Yeah I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I'd say 3.6. 3.6 I'd go for that. I'd go with 2 at the top. Cheddar bunker, more of a novelty label. More of a novelty than a novelty sauce. I'm just going to wash it down this lovely little bit of Coca Cola orange creme. I don't care. I go to more shops than you. Who's more likely to find more orange creme in the wild? Me. Who doesn't get to leave the house much because he has to spend his most of mostly time editing Patreon stuff and videos

Starting point is 00:45:26 and the episode every week and I don't get to socialise. Well don't taunt me with it then. So I'm just saying. Don't taunt me with it then. Maybe I could go shopping more and find these things. If I wasn't chained to my desk making this content when you get to fuck off afterwards. So don't taunt me. And just live your life freely for another seven days until you're back.

Starting point is 00:45:41 Are you going to keep this bit? Yes I am actually. So fucking deal with that. Fucking deal with those truths. Don't basically say, I get to go everywhere I want when I want. You could go out of the house. No, because I've got shit to do.

Starting point is 00:45:55 And you just waltz in every Monday, go, Oh Paul, is it time for me to shut up? And Tuesday, it's usually two days after I have to come up here to bloody Harrow. Yeah, what a shame. And then I spend the next like three or four editing the stuff, doing the videos, uploading social media, like website. I can't believe any opportunity...

Starting point is 00:46:09 Are you right? Any opportunity to say this? Are you right? Any opportunity? People need to hear this. Again and again? About my turmoil. Again and again and again? Like we always talk about aspartame and drinks, we'll do it again and again and again. I'm just saying, there's no point mocking me with that because I can go get my own. That's all I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Now what'd he do? Well done you! Well you're the one who's mocking me with it! Little fucking blue suede shoes on and go for a dance down Mary Street as you pick up saucers and drinks on your Mary Warps! I will! I fucking will! And I'll put them in my next to my bum! You sound like a- This is a bad episode for you. These drugs have done nothing for you and it's turned me into an absolute genius no it hasn't bing bong woof woof bing bong bish bosh you've bing bong chip chop chip chop bib bib bib bib bib mama mama mama mama mama

Starting point is 00:46:58 flop the flop the flop the flop i'm liking it you go you got on the groove train with Gannon's word nonsense. We did not. Now, that was a slightly disappointing source, but the first one, Croydon, very nice indeed. Yeah, so thank you, Jordan. Thank you. Thank you. Gannon's bubbling hot for the next box that we're going to pull out and investigate.

Starting point is 00:47:25 There's more sauce to come. Let's start with the sauce, but read the letter first, Paul. Here comes a letter in lovely handwriting from someone called Sarah. Hello, Sarah. From the Dog and Lampost account on B-Sky. Hello, award-winning podcast Cheap Show. Thank you for recognising our award. I mean, I think we need to mention it at least every 15 minutes. Just to get it. It's all about data analytics, Paul.

Starting point is 00:47:48 It is, isn't it? Just award-winning. Just say it. Just say it. Just say it. The award-winning. That's the name of the podcast from now on. The award-winning cheap show. The award-winning cheap show. I want you to say, when you're on the street and you say, hey, mate, did you listen to this week's edition of the award-winning cheap show? What about this?

Starting point is 00:48:02 Yeah. Award-winning, featuring Clankerman star Eli Silverman cheap show. No! Featuring Clankerman star Eli Silverman. How about a star of Ashen's and the Polybius high-sea Eli Silverman? Okay. Because with our demographic it's much more likely to appeal to someone who's actually seen the film than someone who doesn't really know what you're talking about, do they?

Starting point is 00:48:22 Shut up. You're such a dick. I'm just saying. Right, here we go. Wow. Please find and close a selection of goodies from my recent trip to Japan. Can't just be nice, can he? No. He can't never just be nice about anything.

Starting point is 00:48:32 Don't want him. You know, he never, he doesn't... That is why you'll never feel true, deep love in your soul. No, you're right. You've got the fucking nail on the head there. I know. And it's sad, really, isn't it Paul? It is quite sad, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:48:43 But luckily, the versions of Paul Gannon and Eli Silman that exist within the confines of the Cheap Show podcast are not the real versions of Paul and Eli. Outside of this, we live happy, healthy and fulfilled lives. And that is exactly what you say every time I find a little pink soft tender spot. Oh, rub it, rub my pink soft tender spot. I tried to prod it and then you have to say it's not really me who's a bit of a psycho. Don't you touch it. Well we're not really psychopaths are we? You are. You can't feel love. I verge on it.

Starting point is 00:49:10 You're a sociopath. I would say I'm closer to sociopath than anything else. But even so, I cry all the time. All the time. Right. Sarah sent some stuff. I will say this, we're not going to go to all the things Sarah sent to us. We're going to spread that to maybe Patreon content, Cheap Shot content, but we've got a little bit we want to get into now.

Starting point is 00:49:29 Don't want to spread the box too thin. So for the source report we have some yummy sauce. Oh, did they describe the sauce? Because that would be good. Because it's all in Chinese, Japanese. Let me read the whole letter. Let me read the whole letter and see what we've got. For snacks and drinks we have a Pepsi energy drink, which we'll be tasting.

Starting point is 00:49:47 Some candy, which we'll have another time. Some crisps that we'll get to. Some mini noodles and a rock paper scissors toy, which we'll get to another time with sweets and a few Japanese Kit Kats, which we will be trying in this episode. I hope there's a cheesy one. We finally have some curries. A butter and hope there's a cheesy one. We finally have some curries, a butter and cheese one and a black one. The black curry is sold in a shop next to Mount Fuji where they cook eggs in the hot springs and they come out black. Black eggs, yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:17 Oh, I didn't know that. It's because of the sulphur content in the water of the springs, I believe. Well, there you go. I didn't know. But it's not the same as a century egg though, is it? That's a different process. Or a bum egg indeed. Indeed a bum egg. Paul. Or a sex egg. What I think with those curries because they're like cooking curry sauce kits we should do that when we do a noodle kitchen. Yeah I agree. Because we'll be preparing food at that point. I would like to taste that the black curry because I don't think I've ever had that. Quite weird food that is jet black you know. It's a bit like, do you remember that curry, the sonic curry, because I don't think I've ever had that. Quite weird food that is jet black, you know?

Starting point is 00:50:46 It's a bit like, do you remember that curry, the Sonic curry we had once? That was blue. That was terrible. Uh, no, it what, well here's the thing. It tasted alright, but the look of it, it was so blue. Close your eyes, eat it,

Starting point is 00:50:57 it's just not a reasonably fine vegetable curry. Look at it, what the fuck's the point of all this then? Yeah. I'm not gonna mold it into Sonic's head, just because the packet said so. It's what it is, it's like why don't you serve it like this? Why don't you fuck off? You should have some blue nitro takis with that Sonic curry on and then see what his shit colour would be like. Well I would be not looking forward to that experience personally speaking. They didn't describe what the source

Starting point is 00:51:22 was at all. No it doesn't. It just goes translate. We have to translate. Let's go translate. Now, it just says yummy on the pot, on the pot, on the bottle, plasie bottle. It says yummy, and it's got a picture of a pan with some meat in. And it looks like plantains. Maybe.

Starting point is 00:51:38 It's a meat basting sauce, I would guess. What do you think that is on the top of the meat? That it looks like chopped banana, but it can't be chopped banana. So that's why I said plantains, innit? Sometimes people do eat bananas. I can imagine it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:51 I'm not saying- With a savoury dish though. I'm not saying it's beyond our ken. In a similar way to plantains. When you have like a Caribbean meal and they say, do you want plantains? Do you go for plantains? I love them. I love those.

Starting point is 00:52:01 I sometimes just get what I'm given. Sweet plantains. I just get what I'm given. I know. You know what I mean? Oh, they do look like sliced bananas. Well, thank you. This is yummy sauce and it comes in a really nice sauce bottle. This is like what you get on in diners in America. Imagine those, the mustard dispenser on a hot dog stand.

Starting point is 00:52:20 It is like that. It's exactly one of those plastic ones. Did you want me to translate it? It's a nozzled sauce and it's called yami. That word is in English. Yami. Translate it. I just want to know what kind of basic thing we're talking about here and if it's safe to taste when it's raw so to speak because if it's a basting sauce then it might need basting before tasting. The image shows Yamasa's yummy all-purpose cooking sauce garlic and pepper. It is a convenient all-purpose Japanese cooking sauce with a garlic and pepper flavor profile. Ah!

Starting point is 00:52:50 Bravo, everyone involved with this. The bottle has a non-drip design for mess-free cooking. Oh yeah. Usage, simply pour, making it suitable for various dishes like yakiniku, yakiniku, or fried rice. Fried rice. And then that's what it says here. And yeah, you open it then. Oh man, this is going to have such a lovely umami odo, I can tell.

Starting point is 00:53:14 And he's got a deep, deep umami odo. Let me just squirt it in the ramekin. Squirt it in the ramekin. Could you hand me that ramekin so I don't have to misplace my microphone? I was just wondering if it had a seal on it, you know, like some sauces do, and you have to peel it off before the bottom comes out. No, this was, this did have a seal. Okay. But I broke the seal, it's right on the nozzle tip.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Right, okay, fine. But you know, like sometimes you undo that, but then you still got to open it up and then clear the... Yeah, no, this is nice and convenient. I can see the sauce down there. What colour would you guess this sauce is going to be? Brown. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:40 Brown sauce. It's all-purpose, so it kind of has to be brown, which is an all-purpose colour. Ooh, what? It's just got a very strong kind of has to be brown, which is an all purpose colour. Ooh, what? It's just got a very strong odour. It has got a very strong odour. And you're not going to like it.

Starting point is 00:53:49 Am I not? No. I think it's going to be a bit too garlicky for you. I'd like to see if you're picking up any other notes. It's just got an umami, a deep umami. It's strong, isn't it? Yeah, you're right. It's a thick, almost, go with me, mushroomy kind of note.

Starting point is 00:54:01 Yes, that's the umami note, yeah. That's definitely a mushroomy flavour. And lots of soya. Is there soya in that? I bet there is. I bet there is, yeah. That's definitely a mushroomy flavor. And lots of soy. Is there soy in that? I bet there is. I bet there is, yeah. Because there's also soya notes. I love the soy sauce you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:54:11 Fermented soya. The garlic isn't too overwhelming. I'll be honest, it's definitely there. You can smell it, but there's other things going on as well. That to me is just the height of umami. Can I dip my finger in that? I want to live inside that smell.

Starting point is 00:54:23 You want to live in a ramekin full of it? I do. I want to climb into this ramekin like a small man. Oh, into the ramekin. Splish splosh in his ramekin dos. Oh, splishy sploshy in the ramekin house. Can you imagine that everyone? A little tiny Eli Silverman climbs into a ramekin, you know the kind of one you get with a pudding in and you clean it out and keep it. And then the big man squirts the brown sauce on me! Oh I was just going to go with a nice little kind of borrower's style. Yeah, but then the big man squirts... Yeah, I'm going along with it. Can I be the big man?

Starting point is 00:54:49 Can I be the big man who comes in with his big bottle? Oh, oh, deep voice. Eli, I have the all-purpose pepper and garlic sauce. Could you squirt it on me please Mr Big Man? Oh I could live here all the time. And join us next week for Tiny Eli and his world of big ramekins and sauces. Next week, ketchup. You have to taste this.

Starting point is 00:55:20 I know I was going to dip my finger in. I'm going to dip it in. Because I'm a big boy. Now bear in mind this is going to dip my finger in. I'm going to dip it in because I'm a big boy. Okay. Now, bear in mind, this is going to be for cooking. Now, is it strong? It's very salty and strong, yeah? I can see why you would use that for cooking,

Starting point is 00:55:33 because evenly distributed, it would be quite nice on a pork kind of thing. Yeah, meat. Yeah. That's what it's for, is meats. But why, how does it taste as raw? It's quite intense. It's quite an intense flavour. Not unpleasant and overwhelming, you just, it's intense because it feels like it's meant to

Starting point is 00:55:48 be. Oh that's one of the most umami things I've ever tasted. It is isn't it? Yeah but it almost turns bitter at the end if that's what you mean yeah. Not too much it's got a kind of burnt. Yeah at the end there's a sort of burnt note isn't there? Burnt garlic note. Yes that's right you're exactly right you're doing well. Thank you. It's the mad monk. No. You know what it is? Over the years of doing this, we to some extent have trained our palate to actually pick up on things. Yeah, 10 years. It's like memory or one of those other things. You actually teach yourself. It's like you might not recognise the noise of a bird, but if you train yourself and then you start recognising and then you hear and you can distinguish between different birds. Oh, a chaffinch!

Starting point is 00:56:23 Yeah. Or a swan or something. Or like an owl. You can't mistake an owl though, can you? You know an owl when you hear one. What does a chaffinch sound like? I don't know. Owl is one of those things, like you used to read about owls in a book and they'd go twit-to-oo and then you'd hear one in real life for the first time and go, that's, I

Starting point is 00:56:44 know what it sounded like. Even though it doesn't really go twit-to-woo, and then you'd hear one in real life for the first time and go, that's, I know what it sounded like. Even though it doesn't really go twit-to-woo. Well. It's more like, ooh. Yeah, but it's one of those things that in different languages they make different noises, don't they? What does a dog go, in French it goes, hurrah, hurrah, or something. No, isn't it bock-bock?

Starting point is 00:56:57 Isn't it bock-bock? Bock-bock. Something like that, I don't know, isn't it? No, it's hurrah, hurrah, or something like that. I don't know, what do French dogs do? it's hurrah hurrah or something like that. I don't know, what do the French dogs do? What do the French fish do? Podler podler. Alright, what does a French cow say?

Starting point is 00:57:11 Le meow. Le meow? Le meow. You're gonna start me off again. I was thinking it was gonna be more like, hooooon. Hooooon. You're gonna start me off again. I was thinking it was gonna be more like, HOOOOOAN. HOOOOOAN. You're gonna start me off again with let me out man.

Starting point is 00:57:28 Anyway, what'd you rate it? That's a nice sauce. Can I have it? Yeah. I'm getting all of it. Everything today. Is that why you're in a bad mood? Yeah, no, I'm not in a bad mood.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Just hate you. I bought, I shared half my orange cream coke with you. Oh yeah, I've got a little bit more. There's one more. A little bit of cinnamon is really savoury. Oh, here we go. Just drink it will you? We've got to taste that Pepsi so you've got to wash it all down my friend. Nah. What are you going to do? Pour some in your cup. Oh you did. Can we try to have that now because I'm actually quite thirsty. All right, well I'll

Starting point is 00:57:57 tell you what, it's time to go into the box further and pull out the Pepsi. and pull out the Pepsi. Right, Pepsi time! Okay, now I have seen this in... I've seen this one and I've thought about picking it out myself, Paul. Can I have a look at it please? One sec, I'm just translating it, but basically it's a little tiny tin of Pepsi, very small, and it just says refresh shot and if you bear with me one moment... No, this isn't the one I've seen. This isn't the one I've seen.

Starting point is 00:58:27 If you bear with me, I will translate what it says on the tin. Thanks to technology. This is the Pepsi Refresh Shot, a limited edition energy cola from Japan. Wow. Notable for its higher caffeine content compared to regular Pepsi. Did you see like jolts? It contains 50% more. Bow! Which isn't that much because it's much, but the amount of caffeine in colas is very small compared to

Starting point is 00:58:50 say coffee or energy drinks. So this is it really in a nutshell and it's cheap and it looks like explosion of cola. It's like there's an explosion of light coming from the cola. I have not seen Coke putting its main brand name onto an energy drink. I think they own some of those other brands like Sting. Do you remember that Sting one? Okay, weird. Sorry to interrupt. It just says in Japanese at the bottom because I wanted to see what it says, but it just says strongly carbonated caffeine energy cola drink. Well, I don't think the carbonation is going to be any stronger. Not unless it's like supercharged powered.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Super bubbly. That'd be cool. Bubbles the size of a mouse's head and each, you know, each can. A mouse's head, why do you say that? Because it's quite a big thing, isn't it? Is that a unit for you? A mouse's head is a unit. This is from the childhood. All right, love, I've got to look at me like a mouse's head down there, hasn't it? Fucking hell, mate.

Starting point is 00:59:38 Mine's like three mouse's heads at least. What, on a row or side by side? No, squashed together. It's like your dick looks like three mashed together mice heads. Oh he'd add a flashback to 28 years later then and the mountain of skulls. Oh I know. When he puts his mum's skull on the fucking top. That's silly. Spoiler warning for those who haven't seen it. Who cares? Fuck your spoilers.

Starting point is 00:59:57 And also I thought you were going to talk about the big dong on the zombie man. Mate that big floppy hog on the zombie man. It was like eight mice heads. That was outstanding in its field. Quite literally. Flopping about. Flipping flopping. I'd get caught by the zombie laughing at his big floppy hog. I'm glad that film wasn't in 3D, otherwise I'd be ducking and diving for most of that film. It should have been called 28 Inches Dangler.

Starting point is 01:00:21 Yeah, it should have been, you're right. I like that. I think those mad monks have actually kicked in now, haven't they? Quite a charge came out of that. Remember, don't drink it yet because I'm still sun. That's a strange smell. It smells like pepty but there's almost like this weird kind of industrial dusty note. Oh I like that smell. That's like an intense cola smell, yeah. But almost, I'm not getting any earthiness you're talking about.

Starting point is 01:00:43 No, I don't think there's any earthiness there. Isn't that dust is earth. If you put enough dust together, it turns into earth. I just meant there was like there was something very kind of like stale cardboardy. You know, when you walk into like a garage that like deals with cars, you know what I mean? Under the arches and a bridge kind of mechanics. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:00:59 And you get that smell. It's like that kind of smell, like grease and oil. Chemically. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I can describe it. that kind of smell. Like grease and oil almost. Yeah. Yeah, I get a nice cider. And it looks like cola for those who are interested. It looks exactly like a Pepsi. It's bubbly like a Pepsi.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Right. I mean, it's probably just going to taste like Pepsi, isn't it? Here we go. No, it doesn't. There is something else there, isn't there? Yeah, what is that? Almost like a mintiness, like almost. I was going to say like a perfume note. Yeah. We're picking up on the same thing, aren't we? There is almost at the end, this weird sense of like lavender or... Yes, elderflower almost. Yeah. It's quite nice. And I like it. It's syrupy in the way that Pepsi always is, though, you know what I mean? Has that... That's fine. But it's one of these things where it's

Starting point is 01:01:40 like, it's selling point is how, you know, it's more caffeine. And that's not something we can really judge in the moment. I think that is the flavour of caffeine that we're getting, that extra sort of bitterness. What I will say is though when it comes to like my caffeine intake I'm a coffee guy and I'm always going to prefer a strong coffee but I don't particularly like my caffeine delivered via Cola or like Red Bull. I just find this something I don't know weird about that. Yeah. I don't have a stance on it. I'm just saying I prefer that delivery system of caffeine.

Starting point is 01:02:07 I don't really like it in carbonated drinks. Do you know what it is? It's the threat of energy drink buzz that I don't like about it. Cause I like to hammer back colas on a hot day, you know? But I can't imagine I'd ever want to start my day with a highly carbonated cola. I mean, it doesn't happen to people like you and me

Starting point is 01:02:21 that drink a lot of caffeine in one form or another. But have you ever had too much coffee too quickly? It's one of the worst feelings. It's this kind of car sickness. It's like nausea, but it's in the head more than in the stomach. And also like your teeth are off. Yes. Yeah. I hate that. It's almost unbearable when you overdo it on coffee. It hasn't happened to me in a few years. I'm just a bit concerned after a high caffeine Pepsi

Starting point is 01:02:45 and then the Mad Monk. Now I'm gonna be like literally crawling up the ceiling with my teeth. I'm like, I'm gonna have to say. I'm like, I'm gonna have to say. Oh, I got a foot hold with my tooth. Oh, I've got another hold, tooth hold I call it. Oh, I'm hanging on.

Starting point is 01:03:06 I'm hanging on. Oh, I'm calling out. I would like to have seen a remake of the Sylvester Stallone film, Cliffhanger, with the man using his teeth. Toothhanger. Cliffmola. Why's that good? That's terrible. It's a bit more teeth related, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:03:18 I tell you what, it's a sweaty boy. Instead of climbing the K2, you'd have to climb the K9. K9 teeth. Mad Monk is making my brain work like fantastical. Come on now. What do you want to do next? Kit Kats. Oh, you don't want to do the hot crisps? They'll ruin us, ruin the Kit Kats for us. Oh yeah, no. So, we've got some Kit Kats, some of which come in twos so we can have a bar each, but I So, we've got some Kit Kats, some of which come in two so we can

Starting point is 01:03:46 have a bar each, but I just think we share a finger, you know what I mean? Yeah. We've got quite a few to get. We've never done that. Would you ever share a woman with me? No. Like if we were spit roasting and we could stay with each other in the eyes. I wouldn't be into that. You don't think, even just the general threesome, me, you and the third party.

Starting point is 01:04:01 Look, Paul, in all honesty, I wouldn't completely rule it out, but no. As a first pass, if you're asking me now, it's a no, okay? I don't want the first time I have sex in like ten years to be with you on the other end of it, basically. Thank you very much. Well, Rebecca, if you're listening, he said no. Tried. Right, so we've got a few Kit Kats from Japan. I don't know if we've tried these before, but let's give them a go. Give them a Japan. I don't know if we've tried these before, but let's give them a go. Give them a translator. Pick one out and translate the shit. Come on. Let's start with this plain pink one. Plain pink. Have they got the little bit where you can write

Starting point is 01:04:33 your notes for party favors on the back as well? Indeed, they still do that. So these mini size, gift sizes, you put them in little party bags when you have a birthday or something, Paul. I think that's what it is. Strawberry, he said, not having to translate it because it says it in English on the front. So this is a strawberry cat kit. Do you want to have a finger each then? Yeah, it's lovely pink. Oh, it's got that lovely Neapolitan-y, Neapolitan-y. I know what he's going for and I'm not going to help him. Neapolitan ice cream strawberry flavour coming off this. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:03 There, I'm handing it to you. Thank you. Smell it. Smell it. I will, hang There, I'm handing it to you. Thank you. Smell it, smell it. I'm not a huge fan. I will, hang on. I'm not a huge fan of this kind of chocolate because it's, it varies too close to white chocolate.

Starting point is 01:05:11 It does, yes. It's pink chocolate. Smells nice though, and you're right. It does have that Neapolitan strawberry ice cream flavor. Perfect. Which I like. Nice strawberry flavor Kit Kat. Not almost jammy.

Starting point is 01:05:20 Quite an intense flavor. I was going to say, was there like some jam in the wafer? Some flavor in the wafer. It felt like that, didn't it? It felt like there was a more intense jamminess inside in the middle. That's nice. It's just not my go-to flavour for Kit Kat. And chocolate in general. That's one step above because of the jamminess.

Starting point is 01:05:33 If it had just been the Neapolitan sort of artificial strawberry, but there was something going on texturally, like you say, with a jam middle. And also these are warm. It's been a hot couple of weeks in the UK and I've had these boxes on my landing. It's been warm. So I reckon if these were cold out the fridge and of the nice cup of tea, I mean that'd be quite nice. There is a big argument in the world of people who taste stuff for a living about whether you it's better to keep chocolate in the fridge or not. I don't keep it in there for long. If I get a Kit Kat, whatever, I'll throw it in the fridge before I eat it if I can. Yeah, so you do. You're on that side of the argument then. You prefer it chilled. You prefer chilled chocolate. I'm not judging. I'm not making a judgement here.

Starting point is 01:06:07 Not in all cases. I just don't think it works for all chocolate. Mars bars and stuff like that. Because it deadens the flavour to a certain extent, doesn't it? But some things I like to keep in because if they get too... Kit Kats are very chocolatey. So if you have a warm pack, they're horrible to eat. So I just like to keep the chocolate solid. In terms of keeping the structure, the structural element yeah the flavor it's always a payoff it's a it's a compromise isn't it between the flavor the full flavor of the chocolate and

Starting point is 01:06:31 the sort of structural you know the structural elements because that helps that does affect the flavor it does affect your enjoyment of the whole thing it does but it's a complicated world and a lot of people do have a lot of disagreements about it paul now what's this next can't we all just get along i don't think we can really no No. Right KitKat, this one's called Sakura and roasted soybean powder. Oh dear. What is Sakura? I do not know. But that's roasted soybean is like those bean cakes, those very stodgy confectioneries that they eat in that part of the world, you know the bean cake? Yeah. Red bean cake or whatever. Sorry, just give it a tug. This is similarly pink. Oh, it smells of that. It smells of that bean paste.

Starting point is 01:07:06 It's almost like a, almost sesame sort of like a, you know. It's quite nice though. Peanutty. That's what it is. Think Peanutty. Stop. Think Peanutty.

Starting point is 01:07:14 I'm glad that amazed you. It did, because I was thinking like an old 70s advert. Timmy, no! Stop. You there. Think Peanutty. That's all right. It's Peanutty.

Starting point is 01:07:23 It's kind of weird. Maybe Sakura is peanut. I think the colour throws me off, because I was expecting something more fruity. Or more milk chocolatey, but actually it's more like caramelly almost. It's nutty caramelly sort of, yes, and it doesn't seem to go with the light pink flavour. Anyway, get that green one out now. Oh yeah, green one. What's this?

Starting point is 01:07:40 No, I think we've had this. Is this matcha? Do you want me to finish a sentence and I can tell you? I would like you to finish a sentence. This I think we've had before with Do you want me to finish a sentence and I can tell you? I would like you to finish a sentence. This I think we've had before with different wrapping. It's milk tea flavor. I love this one. I think we did that in a cheap shot, right?

Starting point is 01:07:52 We did that in a cheap shot video? We've done, yeah. Delicious. Or certainly a top tier one. This is like a light green. It's again white almost. There you go. Tug that out. There you go.

Starting point is 01:08:00 I remember finding this was fine. That's got a real tea smell. Real fragrant aromatic tea smell. Like a tea bag. Yeah, but sweeter. It's going to be milk chocolate, white chocolate, isn't it, and tea flavour. But I seem to remember finding this okay last time. I like that a lot.

Starting point is 01:08:15 I like that a lot. Yeah, it's alright. I don't mind it. I love that aromatic top note of flavour of tea. I love that flavour, I have to say. It is very... It's almost jasmine almost. It's very creamy, buttery kind of,

Starting point is 01:08:26 you know, like, like a Victoria sponge cake almost flavor sweetness. Yes, but then you've got that tea note that kind of goes against that. It's almost, it's almost perfumey, isn't it? You know what I mean? Not for you. I like it. I personally like it. But it's one of these things where it's like, could I have that with tea? No, I don't know if I could. What's your preferred tea accompaniment? Honestly, I'm old school. I like a nice rich tea dunker. A rich tea dunker? Yeah. I don't have biscuits.

Starting point is 01:08:51 Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly avant-garde, I'll go with a ginger nut. Do you know what I like eating with, like, traditional builders with milk? Yeah. Like salt and vinegar crisps? I love that. That's interesting. That's a unique one to me. That gives me the whole nostalgia sort of playing, you know, playing Mario Kart, you know. Here's a question. What happened to morning coffee biscuits? They used to be everywhere and I can't see morning coffee biscuits nowhere no more. I think they came from your part of the world and that people have given up on that part of the world.

Starting point is 01:09:22 Really? The little square biscuit that was basically a rich tea biscuit. I think that's a Liverpool thing. No, morning coffee. I've never heard of it. A picture of a cow. You mean it was sort of like shiny, the finish. Are you talking like it was sort of almost shiny? I'm going to look up morning coffee biscuits. No, not morning coffee pill.

Starting point is 01:09:38 What's that? It's like a pet pill. Oh, they do have them in. Let's see. I want a picture of them, please. I want to see a picture of this. I'm going to pull out a picture now for you. Were they sort of the same texture as those rings, party rings?

Starting point is 01:09:48 No. Oh no, they weren't. And they had like a picture of a coffee cup on it. I've never had those or seen those. Really? Yeah, they come from your part of the country. They can't come from my part of the fucking country. God, he really takes me right to this, doesn't he?

Starting point is 01:10:00 No, I just don't see this being a northerly specific brand. Alright mate, alright, we're all part of one nation. They haven't been Sainsbury's and the Crawfords make them. They're just such a fucking shit biscuit, I've never bothered to learn what they are. Can we have another Kit Kat now? Oh there's a review here on the website, nice cup of tea and a sit down and they review morning coffee biscuits. Well, Paul. I just don't know what makes them special aren't they just rich teeth?

Starting point is 01:10:20 We have to cover them. I'd be happy to taste and give you my opinion of them on another episode of the podcast. Paul's biscuit moment. Is it the last one? Yeah, it's the last one. No, is it? Yeah, yeah, it's the last one this. Oh, this one, according to the translation app says, strawberry shortcake flavour. Oh, well, it's going to be different between this and the strawberry one, the strawberry jam flavour or whatever it does.

Starting point is 01:10:41 I know, it's a good point. Now, on the front, you get a little square of strawberry shortcake cake that you can see to demonstrate what it's meant to be. It's a square piece of iced shortcake. And it'll be a white chocolate by the looks of it. That's what puts you off these really isn't it? Yeah, right, okay, there you go, tuck that out and in we go. Quick sniff, smells like the other one. It smells exactly like the other one. Tastes exactly like the other one. Except no jammy the other one. Tastes like the other one. Except no jammy. Oh, there is a jammy element. That's exactly the same. Oh yeah, I just said.

Starting point is 01:11:08 Yeah, I think it's exactly the same. Oh well. Wait, it was that one. Oh no! There's a shortcake flavour. I'm just going back to the strawberry one. It's different, isn't it? There's more vanilla in this.

Starting point is 01:11:16 I think subtly, yeah, you're right, there's a little bit more vanilla or sponge cake or whatever. Shortcake is a shortcakey flavour that is absent from the first one. It's amazing how subtle they can do the differences and flavours in those. I love those duos that you get in this country now. Yeah. Which one's your favourite? I'm torn between the milk tea one and the, whatever that one was, the sakura and roasted soya bean powder one.

Starting point is 01:11:38 My favourite one's easily the tea. Yeah? Yeah. I know you like that one. We've had it before. Either those two are quite interesting in their flavours, so I think that's why I like them. Whereas the other ones are just strawberry flavour, basically.

Starting point is 01:11:49 Yeah. Ah! Right, well now it's time to hot things up with our grand finale snack. Is this it? The last snack of the show? This is the last one. This is it.

Starting point is 01:12:01 This time I know it's the real thing. I can't believe this feeling. I'm alone, I'm in a daze. This is it this time. I know it's the real thing. I can't believe this feeling We're gonna eat some hot crisps to finish the episode everyone thanks for no, it's the real thing Thanks for joining us sang that you know all the songs cuz you think you do so why don't you? This time I know it's the real thing. I wanna say like Bonnie Tyler, Kiki D, someone like that. I'm gonna look it up.

Starting point is 01:12:30 You look it up while I do a translator this package. We've got a snack pack in here. Can you shut up for a second? Just says spicy. Who recorded This Is It and had a hit with it? Kenny Loggins. That's not, it's not Kenny Loggins, it's a female singer. This is it, this is it.

Starting point is 01:12:44 Oh, this time I know it's the real thing Wow he embodies fucking the yacht rock sound doesn't he? No it's not, this is Stockwick Aiken and Wartman. Yeah this is this this... This time I know it's for real. Well then who sang the other one? This is it, this time I know it's for real thing. No it's not! You're having a false memory of a piece of media that never existed in the real world.

Starting point is 01:13:30 You're imagining a false memory. I'm not, I'm not. I'm absolutely not. Oh, is it real? Or is it just a globule strung out on my string? Are you going to keep this bit in, Paul? Oh please! Please! I think I've got it. This is the Kenny Loggins one. No, this is a woman for a start. Melbourne Moor. I just remembered. It's Melbourne Moor isn't it?

Starting point is 01:13:57 Is it? It's Melbourne Moor isn't it? I didn't look. Come on love you can so. Come on love, you can help. Come on. This is it. This time I know it's the real thing. I can't explain what a feeling.

Starting point is 01:14:16 I'm lost for words. I'm in a daze. Who sang it? Melbourne Moor. So it was a real song though, do you admit that, that I didn't just feverishly come up with it in my mind's eye? I knew that Paul, but I just wanted to... Did you?

Starting point is 01:14:34 Sounds like you were just once again undercutting your boss in public on his podcast and he should fire you. Err, try it. Should fire you. Fucking try it. Get AI Eli in. AI Eli. AI Eli!. AI Eli. AI Eli! AI AI Eli!

Starting point is 01:14:46 AI OO Eli! AI OO Eli! AI OO Eli Eli! Right, right, anyway, this is the episode. These are hot tubes, I reckon. I think they're tubes, but I think they've been crushed in transit, but we'll try, we'll shovel some hot tube powder inside. This says, these are called Tyrant Habanero Spicy Umaki Potato Snaps.

Starting point is 01:15:05 Oh yeah, they're like um, chip sticks. Spicy potato snacks. Yeah, Tyrant Habanero. I think I've had these. Spicy and it says like, five hot. Oh hang on, there's something on the back. There's an image. Inside the story of Tyrant,

Starting point is 01:15:18 and then there's a little drawing of like a woman saying, if you are a friend, this is the amount inside. I am Yakuze Kilo. It was love. Also, before she became a model, Habana and Amako, a member of the famous tennis club, who is one year older than her, said, I want to pursue something more.

Starting point is 01:15:37 How exciting. It's so deliciously spicy, you'll get addicted. That is apparently what the back of this snack says. I felt like I was asleep. I think it lacks context, and we obviously haven't got the full translation. Here you go Eli, open it up. Okay, I believe these are going to look like chip sticks. I don't know, they look like little onion rings.

Starting point is 01:15:55 Oh yeah, they're tiny and mini onion rings. Are they? These are cute, yeah. Like little fourscoops. There's a nice potato-y, spicy nose. So they are potato. I'm just going to pour myself some out here Paul. Well just be careful because you don't want to get all that hot sauce all over me desk.

Starting point is 01:16:09 It's not that thick with it. With hot sauce powder you'll see. Right here we go. Oh yeah they are. Very thin hula hoops. Yes, very thin long hula hoops. Thin wide hula hoops. Like little elastic bands. Yeah but it's basically the dimension of one of those big hula hoops, except it's been sliced, sliced thin, just like a hula hoop, but a nice flavour. Almost like a barbecue beef flavour. Yeah it is. I was thinking that. I'm not getting

Starting point is 01:16:32 much heat. It builds. Well, I thought I'm expecting but like, I love these. These are spicy enough, but they're not particularly hot. They are very fucking tasty though. They're great. It's that crunch. It's a real hula hoop crunch, but much spicier than any hula hoop would ever be. Here's what they taste like. They literally taste like barbecue, well, beef hula hoop, but with like a nice spicy aftertaste. But one of those builds, I love a crisp where there's the heat builds. It reminds me of a Carolina Reaper Her cheese puffs. Remember those? Similar, that build. It's like it's spicy, but it never Overwhelmed are you okay? Do you need the Heineck maneuver? Are you choking?

Starting point is 01:17:18 Spice would down be the back of me throat. I guess I'll have to sup it with this lovely the fresh and Coca-Cola's orange crab He's got very little left. I'm so apt throughout this whole left everyone. I was sopped at throughout this whole recording session. Is there any of that Pepsi left? No. Mmm. Delicioso. Those are my favorite thing I've had today. Even more than the Takis. Yeah. Yeah I'd agree because... Takis were like you say a bit bland at the end of the day really. Not very exciting considering the brand. I really like those. I would eat those. We are eating those aren't we? The orange cream. Yeah. The orange cream is in my dreams. I dream of that orange cream. It's the best product coke has done in years Well, I think we've eaten well today overall on aggregate

Starting point is 01:17:50 I've got lots of sauce to bring back and put on my chops and so forth Yeah, you got you walking away like a bandit today a sauce bandit. Thank you to Sarah. Thank you to Jordan Yeah, I think it was just Jordan and Sarah's and the full stuff I know we have other things from you both. We'll get to them in future episodes, whether that's in Cheap Shots or Patreon content or a future normal episode of the Cheap Show podcast. Thank you very much.

Starting point is 01:18:13 Thank you very much for sending in stuff for us to taste and review. Did you like those, those Hula Hoop things as well then, Paul? Yes, very much so. I had to literally put the bag down and away from me. Otherwise I would cane them. Look, oh, that's all. I think it's time to wrap this up then. I haven't got anything witty to say to end it. So let's just get on. Pop it off. Pop off on. Let's pop off, Paul. But off to the other side of the sound effect.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Yes, we can do that. But Paul, I just want one last report on the Mad Monks. Feeling anything? There is a certain sort of speediness that I did feel like. It's like drinking a strong cup of coffee or something. Are you feeling that? I feel... A little bit like I can speak quicker with more confidence. I honestly feel like ultimately taking The Mad Monk has been the best thing for my soul

Starting point is 01:18:55 today, but it has alleviated some of the stress and anxiety I usually have making an episode of podcast with you. So in some respects it's kept me focused. Why is it? Because I'm always panicking about... because I'm editing ahead of time in my head. I'm thinking about sound levels, I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about... So it's put you more in the moment, focused on actually what we're doing in the moment. No, no, no. I'm completely detached from this episode. It's why I've been awful this week.

Starting point is 01:19:16 We both have. Absolutely awful. No. Sometimes we have an awful... Eli, you've been great this week. You've been great this week. Thanks. And I've been letting the side down to be honest. I would agree with that. You've been bringing a bit of Joe's De Viv that I couldn't deliver.

Starting point is 01:19:27 Oh right, thanks Paul. I just want to apologise to everyone listening. I'm loving this, please. My ongoing sloppy, resentful, angry, bitter rants and complaints that I seemingly farm out every single week on this podcast. You do, again and again. But ultimately, I like to talk about my mental health loud and proud, so if anyone listening can come along with me on these same kind of emotional journeys.

Starting point is 01:19:49 Are you going to get an ADHD diagnosis? I am just going to crack on being Paul Gannon, week in, week out. What the fake Paul Gannon? That is only a figment of... Now that's a complicated question. Who are we? Who are we? Who are me?

Starting point is 01:20:02 Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me are me? The? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? Who are me? I can still remember the joke that set me all off right at the beginning. Go on, let's do that again because that's good and the doctor... Hot-tometer and cold-tometer walk into a bar. The barman goes, would you like a baby? Would you like a baby? What do you say there? What do you say there? Do you like a baby? Yeah, what of it?

Starting point is 01:20:40 Hot-tometer! Anyway, thanks. I love you guys. Thanks for listening. She's a bit niche. Oh, no, that's good. But you need to work on the build-up. Yeah. It's like, what does Sean Connery call his female relative who is into a very particular type of comic, his niche? I just want, I wish there were more moments in history of Sean Connery saying

Starting point is 01:21:05 sausages. I think that would have been a great thing. Do you think he's ever said that in an interview? I mean, it's the type of thing you'd go throughout your whole- Or even a film. James Bond would never have said, I want some sausages. But I want to hear him say the word sausages. And I don't know if there's ever an instance of him recorded saying sausages. Well, you know that they've got AIs for everyone's voice. They must have one for him now. Or, you know, maybe what they need. And then you could make it say sausages as much as you liked Paul. Or you could or you could just get... And you could make a whole film where he said nothing but sausages. Dig him up right from the ground where he is now and then grab his jaw and just go

Starting point is 01:21:35 sausage like that. Like dog. Right really going analog there on that. Like blow it like blow it like... Blow some air through the back of his skull yeah and then move his jaw like that. Who's doing this with you? Me? Am I coming along? Expenses paid? Alright where's he buried? Scotland? Probably buried in Scotland I'd say he probably is. Dig up Sean Connery. I bet he's burned. Oh you think they cremated him? Yeah everyone gets cremated these days. In that case you can just shake the jar and go... Like... LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, your one-stop shop for all things Cheap Show

Starting point is 01:22:16 is our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. You go there and that will take you anywhere else on the internet where we exist, on YouTube, Instagram, social media, all that gubbins. Every episode has a page that goes with it with images and sometimes videos so you can see what we've been eating today, for example. But it's all there, thecheapshot.co.uk. Please always repost if you see us online.

Starting point is 01:22:36 That's how we get into other people's eyes, minds. And ears. Yes. For your ears. For your ears. Can I say that now going forward in the beginning? Yeah, quick thing. Oh, thanks.

Starting point is 01:22:46 You heard him. So also, this podcast continues to exist and helped us win an award because of their support on Patreon. So if you want to go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show, give what you can, but only please if you can. Only if you can! And you'll get access to the Cheap Show magazine, pf form, you'll get access to Nightbussin, Nightbussin. Irregular podcast, we'll be going to Nightbussin.

Starting point is 01:23:07 The spin-off podcast, just for patrons. The Crapbook podcast, behind the scenes videos, Top tier. Podcast. Top tier, backers get exclusive video episodes every month. Video Eps. Early access to the Cheap Shots, and anything else we throw up there,

Starting point is 01:23:22 like, once it fucking uploads, the whole of the Walk Hard With A Vengeance episode via the 360 camera. Is that going to be for all tiers or only the top? Let me just see, it's been uploading now for about six hours. I think it's going to be on 62, is my guess, 62%. 65. Oh, not bad. So, I might upload part one today, because it was a two-hour video,

Starting point is 01:23:41 and I've had to chop it in half for YouTube, so I might just do one part today and then the other part tomorrow but either way, Patreon are getting that and no one else, it ain't just to the public. That's it, really. Thank you. Please come and see us live, there'll be prizes, great guests and we've got some fun and exciting ideas for the live show itself and also 450 is coming along, we're going to do a live stream on the night 450 goes out on August 22nd so there'll'll be more information about that coming up soon, and yeah, that's it,

Starting point is 01:24:09 science say goodbye. Stop burping, disgusting. I'm gonna cut that out, aren't I? I've got beef cloud squirter man. You know you've got your donkey butter balls going on haven't you? I've got donkey butter balls split by the hem. I've got, I've got, no no you see I've got foggy swamp nuts. Foggy swamp nuts and the bleaky beef boys

Starting point is 01:24:26 Donkey beat butter boys donkey butter boys. We're the donkey butter boys Oh the width of the beef comes up in a cloud all paddle paddle all paddle paddle beef beef You're almost getting somewhere with that so unfortunately you just started saying the words beef and blow. Beef blow? Beef blow. That's what happens when you get hit by a wave of the fog. Beef blow. I've got a bit of, I've got a touch of the old pork chalk.

Starting point is 01:24:51 You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Oh, I've got beef blow. Oh, I've got pork chalk. I've got fucking lamb niff. And that's sadly how we're ending this week's episode. Bye! Turn it off.

Starting point is 01:25:02 Bye! Bye! Bye! We're ending this week's episode. Bye. Turn it off. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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CheapShow - Ep 446: Beware The Mad Monk

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