CheapShow - Ep 447: Ballads & Bargain Hunters

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

It’s a nice and simple, back to basics episode this week. We can all relax knowing that at no point will Paul & Eli be singing or inventing new characters or retreating into waves of personal verbal abuse. No siree Bob! They are searching for proper culture for this episode. Paul’s found a book to discuss and dissect for his “Page Turners” segment. He’s found a book called “Read Me Out Loud” which contains a poem for every day of the year, and he decides to pick out a few choice dates to see if there is anything inspiring for Eli to ultimately crap on. To wrap up the show, there is a new “Gannon’s Golden Game” to enjoy called “Bargain Hunter”. It’s from MB Games and challenges the Cheap Chaps to put their money where their mouths are. Can they complete their shopping list without overspending? Does this segment ever go well? Exactly… So enjoy! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-447-ballads-bargain-hunters SEE US LIVE: Oct 18th @ The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2.30pm, London https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/cheapshow---live-from-cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-18th-oct-2025-tickets Watch Our 10th Birthday YouTube Live Stream! https://youtube.com/live/Z18i8M3Eqac?feature=share And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Countdown to bullshit in the bed. I don't have to because I just did one in the toilet, didn't I? It all came out nice. You're going to make your bum contents into content. That's literally what this is. It's a big poo tube, this podcast. It's a big... When do I talk about my poos?

All the time. No, no, no, no. I need you to give me then three examples right now when I've talked about poo on the podcast in detail about my own personal movements. Just now. One. The other day, when we made that cheap shot us video,

you're opening gag after taking a real show. shit, just feet away from me in that toilet. Which is what I just did now. That's three times already. Well, that doesn't count because it's cheap shot, which is not legally part of the cheap show podcast brand. You made the very funny joke of, oh, I'm going to take a shit right here just off camera.

The very, very funny joke. And I've got one more question for you. Yes, that's two, though. Have you got any mad monk? Mad monk, mad monk, mad monk. No, mad monk. I want mad monk. No, mad monk this week.

I want mad more mad monk. I don't think mad monk. Oh, I want more mad monk. I want more madman. I don't think it did a very good job for us. I don't think it made the podcast better. In fact, I would argue it made it worse. I like the melty on my teeth.

Anyway, look, hello, everyone. It's Cheap Show, the Economy Comedy Podcast, and this week we're going to play a bit of a board game, and we're going to read a bit of a book. And I can't wait to do those things with you. But first, I'm going to go poo again. No, you're not. It's the price of shy

Cheap Show Welcome to Cheap Show Bing bong Thank you for flying Cheap Show airways We hope you enjoy your flight with us for the next hour or so And we hope you have a nice tie Big Bong Oh where are you going

Oh I'm going to the end of the podcast Are you going all the way Oh no I'm going to when we stop off in Malta I'm going to get off there and see my grandson. Oh, your grandson. He's a doctor. A doctor?

He's a doctor in. He's a doctor of ladies' vagina. You know what's funny as well? Eli's always like, Paul, you talk about poo too much. Do you know what Eli talks about too much? His fear of ladies' clunge is what you fear, isn't it? Don't stop making those noises?

You sound demanded. I think there are people who genuinely worry about you sometimes. You talk about ladies Vagg way too much for someone For someone who ain't getting non-made That's what made me laugh so much man What the inevitability of the How quickly I got to it I was just doing a normal improvisation

And then it just becomes Yeah the inevitability of clunge That's what it is isn't it It's fucking two degrees of Fanny Two degrees is pushing it It's just I'm at my grandson in Malta Who's a doctor?

And he's a fanny doctor. Yeah, good. You could have done any kind of doctor. Bum doctor, Willie Doctor, play the Willie Banjo. That is part of the Willie. What? The banjo string. Yeah.

Anyway, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show, the Economy Comedy Podcast, where Eli and I, every week, sometimes without fail, go for the charity shops, bargain bins, and pound lands of Great Britain, et al. A pound land et al. Et al. For your year. Bring you the content we find And hopefully we find some treasure

Amongst that trash Amongst the trash This week Treasure amongst the trash Amongst the trash We're doing back to Paul's page turners I found a nice little charity shot book I thought I'd read that out

And uh Pool a book a book it book Paul Gannon's Golden Games That's that plan That's got that sorted That's ready to go However we do have some fun news One is if you pre-ordered

The Cheap Show album It's winging its way to you You might you might even have it by now I don't know when it's going out but I was told as of this week is when we record it it's going out

and we're getting ours tomorrow hopefully that means other people who've pre-ordid will be getting there soon and when they get there they should have an email that will also say here's your digital download version as well

get your version whatever way you like any way you like it we've listened to the whole thing haven't we? A number of times now I only listen to that one time I've listened to it

I listen to all five in the end I'd be taking a copy to play on my radio show. Yeah. That is the House of Pickle Sound Show every two weeks on Soho Radio. And if it's not there that Sunday, then you can just go on to their website, Mix Cloud, can't you, and find it there? You can. Or is it moved now? Because I know you said they moved it.

No, it's on Mix Cloud. Anyway, yeah, so if you get your album, please share on social media with a picture of you holding it or saying, I've got mine and Instagram, Twitter, X, whatever the fuck, B-Skyy, threads, Facebook. Show us your albums. And I hope you enjoy it, because we've enjoyed it. making it. What? Paul, at the beginning of this little promo

you did, well done. Just saying. And I agree with it. Yeah. Get the album, everyone. You said, I've got some fun news and I was expecting something more along the lines of, you know,

clowns descend on Hemelhamstead with the world's largest fleshlight or something like that. I find that the opposite of fun. Why? Troubling. What, if you were in... Let's just say you're in Hemelhamstead

and all of a sudden, an army of clown with a massive fucking flashlight, march at you. Yay! Horrifying. I welcome our new overlords. That's what I'd say.

And the giant flesh tunnel. And what happens? Are they pick people off the street and shove it in the fleshlight? Glop. Like that. Is it full? It sucks them in. It sucks them in.

And then they never seen again. Never seen again. And then what these clowns do? That is not fun. No, it's not. So that is not fun news, isn't it? Well, what? You come up with a fun news then.

All right, here's some fun news. A fun fair has come to a local park and rides are free. Jesus Christ. What? that's fun for some people that's milk toast woolflower and vanilla yeah I got three of those

it's not haunting like a march of fucking fun it up what did you say there's a fun fair is there like a ghost train yeah there's a ghost train the best ghost train in the world's going to be there right I'm in it's fun I'm in

it's got a big dipper that's the fun news yeah get the album everyone and it's really I'm proud of it I'm very proud of it I can't wait to have the physical real thing you know, not the test pressings, not there. Which, by the way, we're giving some of those test pressings out at the live show on October 18th.

We're going to do some artwork, aren't we? Yeah, we're going to do exclusive artwork. Now, I wanted to talk to you about that. Yeah, the corpse thing you wanted to do, whatever it's called. Do you know exquisite corpse? Yeah, yeah, yeah, where you only see a part of the image and you draw your corner. Yeah. But then we can unfold them and flatten them out again before we put them back on.

We don't need to fold them. We can just cover it in, like, yeah. But that would be fun, eh? Yeah, we'll do like a... If you're not aware of what an exquisite corpse is, everybody, it is a drawing game. Right, sexy dead body. Well, I mean, you're not so far

from the truth because it was developed by the surrealists. Yes, of course. Of course, it's them. And it's where you do a part of a drawing. It's like automatic drawing. You do a part of a drawing and you leave some clues, but you fold it over.

This is the original game. Yeah. And then the next person, basically, it started as a figure so that you do the head, you know, everyone else was like a child's game. But they would do it in weird, surreal ways because it doesn't have to be a figure. It could be a head on top of a chimney,

stack on top of a swan, on top of Batman. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you've just thought of something. Also, I'm doing the mini-discs in August as well. So if you've been in touch of me on email to ask for a minidisc, I'll be reaching out to you soon-ish to confirm that ones. And then I'm going to make the deliveries on that. That's a quicker turnaround. So hopefully.

Well, it just seems to be a simpler, easier process sort of together, right? Because they make them on old stock or they convert old, pre-existing mini-discisks. I think so, but they really go to talent design. Like, you get a proper, you know, illustrated, whatever. Nice. Nice things. That live show ticket is still on sale. October 18th, guests are Reelina and Nick Helm. Lots of

surprises. Join us for prizes and surprises. Prizes and surprises. That's nice, isn't it? That's a lot of fun. More fun news. Fun news. Right. Anything else? Nothing. I've blown my load. I've blown my load too. It was when I said that joke about the doctor being a doctor of

vaginas. That was the funniest moment on the show so far. I'm going to go ahead and say that was not a joke. It's revived me Just thinking about when I said it You imagine you're on a plane somewhere Imagine you're playing somewhere And you find out the person sitting next to you Is a fanny doctor

No, their grandson is Is a fanny doctor Yes, or granddaughter They could all be fanny doctors You know, there's a gynecological person I know what a gynecological person is It's a fanny doctor That's a fanny doctor

Yeah And bumole, what's the name of a bumole doctor? An an an acological Probably correct, I don't actually know myself. No, I don't either. What about Willie Doctor? Is her name for a Willie Doctor? It's a knobocological.

Bum tit, tip, bumtit, where's the Willie Doctor? Where's the Willie Doctor? Hello, I'm a Willie Doctor. Oh, Doctor, thank God you're here. Yes. My knob sticks. My name is William P. P. P. P. I'm no Doctor, Doctor.

I really need you to look at my knob and smell it now. Here we go. Smell it. Let me just get my bag out of tools. No, you need to smell my knob. I have a sniffing device that I put on the end of my nose. Oh, that's interesting.

And it helps me focus the sense of aura. Oh, that's very steampunky. Look at the cogs and knobs on that thing. There he is. You're sniffing a knob. Just sniffing your penis, sir. Stay still, stay still. Don't flex it.

Stay still. I can see it pulsing. I can't help it. Nauty. Oh, right. I'm getting, like, cheese. I'm getting, like, seafood. Oh, I don't know, like, something acidic.

Like a battery acid. I don't know. It's just like marabone jelly. Yes, I can see what's wrong with it. What is it, Doctor? Because it hurts. Don't half hurt, doctor. Well, I'm going to give you some ointment to rub onto it.

How will I keep it applied, though, to my knob end? Well, you just have to put big dollops of it on your palm and then stroke it in. I saw something in the bag there. Look like a knob poultice? No. Look like a knob poultice. You're not ready for knob polter. I need a knob poultice for my stoke it.

Stinky sick dick! No, you just need, sir, to apply the ointment now. Let me just watch you and put it on. Oh, it's cold, doctor. Yeah, rub it. Fucking, let's move on. Let me just see you rob it on. I want to make sure...

I'm done with this improvisation. I'm putting it back in. I'll thank you for the ointment. Would you like me to show you how to put the ointment on? Do you want money for the ointment? Let me show you how to put the oint. I'm not letting you touch the stinky sick... It's like this.

Just do what I'm doing. Shut up. Come on now. Fuck off. Dr. Willie. William P. P. P. P. P. I think you'll know. And I'm a penis doctor.

The most well-renowned penis doctor in the world. I've seen them all. I've seen them all. I know why you're making new characters now. Why not? After what we discussed earlier. What? No. All the characters.

One or the other. Right. So, it is time for Cheap Show. Let's get going. I've got a new segment, not a new segment. An old segment with a new thing. There's two old segments. I've got two old segments.

We've not done in a little bit in a while. Rather like. Rather like. What you see if you go to an elderly. Jim, elderly man's gym. I've been to see an elderly man called Jim. Two old dry segments, either side of the towel.

God, what's gone on wrong with me? That reminds me, I've got to go see an elderly man called gym later as well. Oh yeah, really? Yeah. He's next on my list. Do you have a theme for Page Turners? I can never remember if you've got one.

Like, do you have... Oh, Paul's Page Turners? You can come today? No, that's the... No, that's the wider weight club, in it? No. It is. joined it. Oh no, it's Rolf's Cartoon Club.

It's Rolf's Cartoon Club. Moving on. No. Do you want me to improvise something now? See if we can whip something? Yeah, why not? I don't know if there's ever a proper trailer or jingle or whatever it's for it. Or Port Bay Turners, you can join today. No, don't just do anything that revolves. It's Paul's page. Fuck that. Paul's page service. You can join the day. No, that's really dark shit, man.

So, Paul's Page Turner's, everybody. This is where Paul finds a book. I can't tie me alibi down, sport, tie me alibi down. Oh, he's dead. He is, yeah. He dead. Who was I wondering about whether they were dead the other day? I don't know. It could be anyone.

Could be, could be literally anyone. Who do I think could be dead? Anyone. That's almost Buddhist. Do your trail, yeah, your little jingle. Oh, when you're bored and you're sitting at home, what shall you do? You're tired of look and your face. You get out a book and you push it around

And then when Paulie comes to town It's Paul to returners Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, who-hoo, Paul's for turnus Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, what book has Paul got for us today? It's pull-page, turn away. You know what? That started poorly, but did end strong, so I'm going to give you that. Right.

So I was in a charity shop the other day. I was in Dr. Bernardo's of all places just outside of Pinnah, there was one there. And I saw this and I thought, you know what? Maybe we need to add a little bit of culture to this podcast. Maybe what this podcast needs is a little bit of, you know, a bit of artistry. Paul, I've been waiting so long to hear you say those words, man. Yeah, so I thought we'd do something a little bit.

Oh, we need to elevate. We need to bring some discourse and some critical thinking, some real deep analysis. What's the book? The book? I'm not being funny. I'm generally thinking. We should add a bit of confidence. culture, and I thought we'd lean into poetry for this.

No, you know you're laughing, but there is no big twist. I hope there is. Come on, is it, knobs. It's a book that's called Read Me Out Loud, a poem to rap, chant, whisper, or shout for every day of the year. This is a book of poems. Yes. One for every day of the year.

Looks kind of accessible. What do you mean accessible? It's like, you know, it's not for real poetry. Well, I don't know. It's full of all different types of... Okay, can I get to read one out? Yeah, of course. I don't know if any of these names ring a bell, but like,

Sue Cowling, Edward Lear. Edward Lear is very famous. Jane Clark. Edward Lear wrote Nonsense verse. Yeah. I read his. Did he do, when called by a panther, don't anther? I don't know.

I like that one. That's a Lear, I think. The one in this book is called The Was an Old Man with a Beard. Sounds like a limerick, doesn't it? But what day is it today? What's the date today? Oh, we're going to have the day's date. Let's do today's date as of when we record this, which is 29th of July.

So I'm going to go for July. I really thought it was going to be some book about knobs or fannies or poo. No. I wanted to bring a little bit of culture to this episode. 29th, did I say? He did, and it is. Right, yeah. Just double-checking.

So as we record this on the 29th of July, this is the poem for this day called Daughter of the Sea. Does it say who it's by? How long is it? No, short. This is by Philip Gross, though if that name rings a bell. This is called Daughter by the Sea.

Okay. Right. All right. Bog, seeper. Moss creeper. Growing restless, getting steeper. Oh. Trickle husher

Fucking gusher Swish and rush mate Swish and rusher Stone Leaper Splash and gusher Oh I'm gushing Oh

What is this book about? It's stupid Foam flicker Oh yeah Mirror slicker Pebble pusher Boulder kicker This sounds all like wanking

Mirror smearer Or whatever Not near mirror smearer Stop ruining this poem I'm sorry I can't stop thinking about masturbating Let me carry on

Still pool Don't be fooled, shadow tricker, keeping cool, leap lunger, crash plunger, free fall with thunder under, garbage binner, dump it in her, never mind her dog's dinner, plastic bagger, old lagger, oil skinner, wolfnagger, cargo porter, weary water, tide dragger, long-lost daughter of the sea, the sea, the sea, has caught her up in her arms and set her three. That's pretty good, it's about a stream becoming a river. Yeah.

And it's very good. It's all right here. And it's like, it's very, uh, on a matapaeic almost at times, you know? See, he starts with the splish-splash like a little stream and then it gets all

bog creeper, moss creeper, getting steeper. And then it gets all the thunder and then you're in the docks. Yeah. A brilliant, a brilliant poem. Leap lunger, crash plunger. I've got a crash plunger. I know.

It just sounded like wanking at the beginning. There's a lot of it. Actually, that is an excellent poem, I have to say. Yeah. Do you want to read what? It actually makes you think of a stream turning into a river. Yeah. Do you want to read the Edward Lear one?

Sure. If you think about it, though, a stream springing from the earth is very much like having a wank. I'm glad you got there in the end. Right, this is one you can read. Oh, it's a tiny one. And yes, it is basically a limerick.

You can read it there. I always get there. And what's the day this is for, by the way? It's like probably January, isn't it? I get there, mate, don't worry. No, I know, you get there. It takes you a bit of time. You want me to fetch something, do you?

Do you want me to fetch a basket, do you? There was an old man with a beard. Yeah. That's the name of the poem. Yeah. by Edward Lear. There was an old man with a beard who said

It is just as I feared Two owls and a hen For larks and a wren Have all built their nests in my beard Oh you see Although he did write him Beard with Beard so can we now state That Edward Lear is shit?

No he didn't He did write There was an old man with a beard Blah blah blah blah blah Who said it is just as I feared Yeah and then blah blah blah blah Beard Yeah

He ends with beard again Yes but it doesn't directly rhyme Beard with beard It does No, it goes A, B, A. But he still says beard twice. He says beard twice, yes. I think he basically gave up on that last line.

Well, how could we rewrite it? Let me have a look at it. I want to read it so I can at least formulate a change in my head. There was an old man with a beard. Who said it is just as I feared that dirty old man in the old caravan is big and load spunking my gizzards. Paul, you failed so bad then. Gizards. Gizards.

You wanted to, you almost did this. the thing that you fucking, you wanted to rhyme beard again, didn't you? You wanted to say

beard again. Gizard. I say Gizard instead. Gizard. I jizzard. I jizzard. In his beard. Oh, I tell you what,

let me read out one for when this episode's released on the day the Friday to release on 29. First of August. Yeah, you're right. First of August.

Let me read the first of August out. The toilet seat has teeth is the poem for August 1st by Paul Cuxon. Bit of a longer one than the others. That one you read before, John Gross, did you say.

Gross. Richard Gross, John Gross, something gross. Philip, I think it's Philip, yeah. It sounded to me like he was Scouse. It had that, a vibe of those. Who's the guy from the scaffolding? Michael Rosen. Yeah, it's that kind of thing, isn't it?

Okay, the toilet seat has teeth. The bathroom has gone crazy, far beyond belief. The sink is full of spiders. The toilet seat has teeth. The plug hole in the bath has a whirlpool underneath that pulls you down feet first, and the toilet seat has teeth. The toothpaste tube is purple and makes your teeth fall out. The toilet roll is net.

that makes you scream and shout. The towels have got bristles, the bubble bath is glue, the soap has turned to jelly and it makes your skin bright blue. The mirrors pulling faces at everyone it can. The shower's dripping marmalade

and black current jam. The rubber ducks are breeding and building their own... This is fucking horrified. This is great. Building their own nest and shaving foam in tissues in granddad's stringy vest.

Shampoo is liquid dynamite there's petrol in the hairspray. Both will cure dandruff. They'll blow your head away. The bathroom has gone crazy. are beyond belief, the sink is full of spiders, the toilet seat is teeth. The plug hole in the bath is a whirlpool underneath that pulls you down feet first, and the toilet seat has teeth.

The toilet seat has teeth. Ow, the toilet seat has teeth. Ow! The toilet seat has teeth. Ow! The toilet seat has teeth. Ow! Crunch, slurp, munch, burp. The toilet seat has teeth. Ow! Don't sit on it. The toilet seat is... Oh! That's how it literally ends. That's pretty good. Who wrote that? Paul Cuxon. These must be for younger people. That definitely sounds a vibe of a child's bro. What's your birthday one?

Find the born for your birthday? What's your birthday? I like this. March 16th. I like this. The cow. Is that the one on your birthday? What's the date of your birthday?

March 16th, everyone. This is Robert Louis Stevenson. Oh, okay. Writer of. Treasure Island. And? Treasure Island 2. No, kidnapped.

I don't know that one. That's a really good book, kidnapped. Is it? I don't think I've read that. Okay. The friendly cow, all red and white, I love with all my heart. Yeah.

She gives me cream with all your heart. Yeah. Sorry. To eat with apple tart. She wanders loving here and there, and yet she cannot stray, all in the pleasant open air, the pleasant light of day.

And blown by all the winds that pass, and wet with all the showers, she walks among the meadow grass, and eats the meadow flowers. Is that it? Yeah. And blown all the wind that passes, and wet with all the showers,

she walks along the meadow grass, and I blow my load in here, odders. On her udders On her others Right, my one September 14th Let's have a little look Can we stop then?

Because this is just I'm enjoying this We should do a bit Where we write our own poems Well then we can do a break And then do that No, like as a thing This one's on my birthday

Is not, I don't know Is it long as well No, it's real short What it's called Working for the Master A Victorian Life in Service By Richard Callie

Don't know the name Let's have it Jack do this Jack do that Clean the stair Shake the mat wash the dishes polish the brass mop the floor cut the grass dust the mantle make the fire stand up straight boy higher higher down to the kitchen and eat your bread then up to stairs and straight to bed fucking is that it yeah that's wow okay jack do this jack do that bend over show us your crack wash the dishes polish my brass mop my gubbles slap my ass my goggles toss my marbles Drop my gobbles, you said.

Wow. Something like that. I don't know. A sideways lady. Anyway, the sideways lady, a poem by Paul Gannon. She lies there with a crooked smile and beckers me once in a while. I see her mouth. It's very gummy.

Out comes cocking, yummy, yummy, yummy. Oh, she was asleep, Paul. She wasn't. She was not asleep. All right. Sideways. Good poem. Can we move on, please.

I've got another one. Sideways lady. No, no. more sideways lady. Milk, milk, lemonade round the corner chocolate's made. No, it's not. We need to do our own book.

I like this. I will like this because it may... Can I read another one then, please? Go on. Have a little look through, see what you got. See if there's any particular date. Let's see if there's a short one. What particular date do you fancy?

What could that be? Okay, you're ready for it? Yeah, what is it? What is it? What's it called? The dragon in the cellar. Oh, who by, does it say? Yes. Usually at the end, then it?

Nick Tochek. Oh. The dragon in the cellar. There's a dragon. There's a dragon. There's a dragon in the cellar. Yeah, we've got a cellar dweller. There's a dragon in the cellar.

He's a cleanliness fanatic. Takes his trousers and his jacket to the dragon from the attic who puts powder by the packet in a preset automatic with a rattle and a racket that's disturbing and dramatic. There's a dragon, there's a dragon in the cellar. There's a flame that's red and yellow. There's a dragon in the cellar and a dragon on the roof who's only partly waterproof.

So she's borrowed an umbrella from the dragon in the cellar. There's a dragon, there's a dragon, there's a dragon in the cellar. If you smell a panatella, it's the dragon in the cellar. And the dragon from the studies helping out with his cellar buddy, getting wet and soap suddy with the dragon from the loo. There to give a hand too, while the dragon from the porch supervises with a torch. Though the dragon from the landing, through a slight misunderstanding, is busy paint stripping and sanding.

There's a dragon, there's a dragon, there's a dragon in the cellar. Find my dad and tell the fella. There's a dragon in the cellar. where the dragon from my room goes zoom, zoom, zoom, in a cloud of polish and spray perfume, because he's the dragon whom they pay to brighten up the gloom with a mop and a dust and a broom, broom, broom, broom. There's a dragon, there's a dragon in the cellar.

Going to get my mum and tell her, there's a dragon in the cellar. Interesting. Nick Tockshack. Oh, there you go. Right, well, they're very fun poems, all of them, aren't they? Yeah. They're fun to read. Did you find that with all of those?

What, to read them, were they fun to read? I mean, I've only read the ones we've done on this episode. I wanted to try and keep the surprise for like, you know. They're children's poetry. Yeah, and there's a lot of Christmas-based ones around Christmas, as you can imagine. Because, again, there's a poem for literally every day of the week. And it's got weirdly an index of first lines. I wonder why they have that in there.

I think that's a normal thing for poetry competition. Why is that? Out of interest, I don't know. Why is that? I think it's because people often remember the first line of a poem that they love or something. I wandered lonely as a cloud. Exactly. Yeah.

So that's a way. You can't get better than a quick fit fitter. That's an advert. Where's your mama gone? What's another one? In Zanadu did Kubla Khan, a stately pleasure dome decree. I had to learn that. They're tasty, tasty.

Did you know that one? Very, very tasty. Zanadu? No. I don't know the E. L.O. Coleridge. In Zanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree. Yeah, it's not as good as E.O's track, though, sung by Olivia Newton John.

It's not EO. It is. Zanadu. Zanadu. What about Aver? Zanadu. No, that's Waterloo, isn't it? You fucking.

Stupid. Hey, that was a good one, huh? Yeah. Zana too. I was defeated you on the wall. Yeah, that's it. So I just thought I get this because I like it. Read it out loud.

It's encouraging kids. I wanted lonely as a cloud. Is that the one you said? No. That's another one. It is. I did say that. Can you think of any?

Can you think? You didn't? Yeah, I did. The once was a man from Kentucky who went for a ship in a bucket. He looked at his mess and had to confess. Oh, whatever. I was just fuck it. Oh, all right, there was a lady called Lily

who smelled just like Caffili. Yeah, it's all right, I'm going with it. She had one stump on the end of her rump and she ended up looking quite silly. Yeah, she put up with the stink of your willy. No, don't bring up the stink of my will. The doctor will be back in. Hello?

Anyway, look, as a book, this is 50p. I know it says a pound on it, but when it rang it up, it said 50p. And I think for kids What was the best poem we heard today, do you think? I kind of like the toilet one. Yeah. The toilet with teeth. I like, but also...

You know what that made me think of, Paul? I was terrified of jaws. I made you think of interrupting me over and over. It would make you think of that. Huh? I was terrified as jaws as a kid. Perhaps you relate to this. And I used to think jaws

would come up through the toilet. Right. And that's what that poem reminded me of. Right. I'm going to end with this poem because we got an album coming out. And this poem on the 26th of January is called the best soundtrack album in the world

ever by Nick Hornby David Horner Oh weird Horner Why did I say Nick Hornby I think this is a reference

to someone Because it begins with this Your body My body Everybody's got a body That's let's all chant Pat and Mick That's what I was singing

Your body My body Everybody Move that body Anyway anybody Everybody's got a body And then This is the rest of the poem

Because the first of it's in italics Hubble Hibble hiccup grumble Splish Blosh Snuffle Squel Squel Squelch Thud glug murmur mumble, wimble whisper, rattle belch, snort, snore, bubble gurgle, talk squawk, snig a sigh, click, tick, hammer, burble, rustle, rustle, yawn, tap, snap, snap, slap, mutter, grunt, grunt, rumble, burp, moan, groan, bellow, burp, moan, bellow, bittle, sniff, wray, boob, wheeze, wheele, wittle, whittle, whiff, thump, beat and sneeze, giggle, babble, clatter, sniff and scrape and treble, squeak, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and, creak and

Snuffle, chuckle chatter, pitter, pat or chokele, speak. Your body, my body, everybody's got a body, my body, everybody, everybody, everybody's got a body. And that was called what, the best of? That was called the best soundtrack album in the world ever. Very strange. I like that one as well, actually. I like that one as well. This is a good book.

That was quite avant-garde almost, wasn't it? But fun. Yeah. And you can see what they're getting at. Again, it has that feel of those liver-puddly and whatever they were called because they were grouped together. The new liver-pudalian voices or whatever. it was, which had Michael Rosen. That feels like one of that, yeah.

I should have done it in a more Scouse accent. That would have worked in a more Scouse accent. Grumble, glute. Yeah, all of that, yeah. But it's like really using the music of just the words. The nonsense of, the nonsense music. Yeah. Right, I like that book.

I'm going to give it. We don't give it books, things. We just read bits. Thumbs up. I can't remember the theme tune to Paul's Page Turner's now. I'm going to have to listen back to it and learn it. How about I could just cut it at the end right now? Do it again, yeah.

Right, I'm cutting it in right now. Oh, when you're bored and you're sitting at home, what shall you do, you're tired of look and your phone, you get out the book and you push it around, and then when Paul, he comes to town, it's Paul's returners, ooh, hoo-hoo, ooh-hoo, pooh, ooh-hoo, who-pulls for us today. It's pull-page turn us, turn away. That was good, thank you, Eli.

Hello, I'm John Gunty and... No, I'm not. Oh, Paul, I've got it in. I've got it in for this, Paul. No, that's just the wrong character name, that's all. All right, because that wasn't John Gunty's voice as well. I'm just going to say that. I was trying to do a different character that wasn't John Gunty.

All right, well, you need to call it a new character now. Okay. Go on. Hello, everybody. I'm Phil Gunty. You join me here. What do you mean? Bullocks.

What do you want to just said Philip? Said of John. I'm just called Philip, Philip, Philip Stickler. Stickler. Philip Stickler. Philip Stickler. Hello, everybody. I'm Philip Stickler.

That's a fucking awful name, me. I don't know why you just gave up with that one. No, I don't really like Philip Stickler. Hello, everybody. I'm Philip Stickler. You join us on a hot, sweaty afternoon here in the Triple G Arena for another excellent Gannon's Golden Games. And Paul's warming up over there.

He's looking to win this. And the betting markets today have gone mad. There's been a lot of betting on exactly when Eli I will stop giving a shit and say, oh, this is shit over and over again. And get everyone annoyed with him because he doesn't give a shit about this crap old game from the 70s. I've put money on Eli thinking it's shit up until the moment he wins and then he says he's the best at it. That's also a different betting market. Will Eli start to win and then say it's the best game of his whole life?

I'm just doing those horse bets gestures across the way. Two to the one to the two to the three. Okay. And it looks like we're ready to start the game and we're going to go over to Eli, he's on the mic over there in the podium, and he's going to give us... You get to hand over to yourself? I'm Philip Stickler. Although that's what you do, a lot, to be fair. Isn't it?

I'm Philip Stickler. And Philip Stickler is a stickler for the rules, isn't he? And I am a stickler for the rules, if you don't mind now. We have to go over to Eli, who's in the podium. I'm standing here saying, Lothan, you could hand over to me. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Don't like Philip Stickler.

He's a stickler for the rule, didn't he? We're just, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Paul. We're going to go over. to the podium and Eli's there and he's going to sing the theme tune here at the Triple G Stadium any minute now and I'll just, we'll go

over there. Okay, John. Do you need me for this week? I'm not going to do this. All right, fuck, I'm just sitting here like a prick. I get, get, get, it's getting the golden games. Ah! Here we do we are.

Deerriya, who you are, do we are, do we are. Again, it's a golden games. Yeah. It's the hopping eye, do we are we out. It's the golden games. It's the hopping eye, don't I? It makes it all feel more threatening.

Right, we are playing a fucking three minutes of that. That was excellent. One of the best things I've ever done about. Isn't that a sad indictment of your talent? Right, we are playing a game. I've sat on for a while. I ordered this online.

Oh, it looks okay if you've sat on it. It doesn't look too crushed. Top-class joke. I'm going to just move on. We are playing a game I bought on eBay a little while ago. I managed to get it in very good condition for very cheap. I think this is $20. It literally costs more to send to me than to.

buy, which is the case of most things on eBay right now. $20 does seem reasonably steep, though. It's an American game, is it? It's an American game. It's an American game by M.B. Games, and it's called Bargain Hunter, which I thought was good for us. Where are the Davidsons? They're at home looking for bargains.

That's Bobby, with a stove, radio, and toaster. And Jane has a dresser, clock, and a dog. It's the exciting game called Bargain Hunter. Makes us really hunt-out bargain. Handle money? And gives us each a credit card too. And a credit card machine to run it through. First to furnish their apartment and be out of debt, wins Bargain Hunter.

And that's me. Bargain Hunter, the rave bargains game from Milton Bradley. We do like a bargain here on Cheap Show, Paul. Now, nothing to do with Bargain Hunt, the show that we now should have been on. We still could. We should still. We have applied twice, I never heard back. We haven't got a backstory, do we?

Well, my backstory is, our backstory is we make a podcast about this kind of stuff. I know, but it's too rude. That's the thing. They listened to it and went, we can't have them tell David Dickinson where to fucking go, can we, whoever presents it now? Not David Dickinson.

They seem to get through presenters quite a lot these days. It was like Dickinson forever, and a lot of dodgy pretenders to the throne. No, that guy who went for longest, I think he passed away. Did he? I can't remember. That'll fucking teach him, won't it?

Imagine your legacy being the man who wasn't David Dickinson on fucking bargain hunt. I like the man who wasn't David Dickinson. Yeah, he reminded me of that actor. What's his name? Ding dong. Who's that guy? Terry Johnson

Not Terry Johnson I don't know who Terry Johnson It's not Terrence It's not Terry Phillips It's a oh who is it Which actor was famous for saying Ding Dong Leslie Phillips

Margaret Hamilton It's not Margaret Hamilton I just want you to tell me Who said ding dong famously Nothing to do with the image on my screen I was right Leslie Phillips died 22 Born 1924

Was therefore 98 upon his passing Either way That's all the dead celebrity news out of the way for this week. We are playing bargain hunt. It is a game where... Bargain Hunter. Bargain Hunter, you're right. I stand corrected.

I do apologize. Okay, it's fine. Borgand Hunt is a board game. Hunter. You keep saying it. Did you do that on purpose again then? You did. Borgant Hunter is a board game not too dissimilar to...

More madness. Mott, ma'at, ma'at, my baby bell. My baby bell. Oh, man is you are... It's very similar. Yeah. Ma-Mah-Mabababab-diggi-dang-d-ding-moh-madness. Oh, Mo-Moh, Mo, Mo.

Boob-Bim-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bahmmmmmmmadness. We've got all propulsive and rhythmic with our voices this week. Come on, we've got to play the game. Robbiski! We've got to play the game, man. Mababababab. To be fair, this is just content weekly that we do anyway, so let's just really into it. Right, come on.

It's a game called Bargain Hunter, and it's similar to Moul Madness, in that you have a shopping list, and you go round and round the board, buying things from furniture stores, department stores and pet stores, and pet stores, and the first person to buy everything on their list for as cheaply as possible without going into debt wins the game. So how do you get rid of your debt, though? Well, that's where the rules get a bit more complicated if we get there, because this game, it's unique selling point.

I mean, the board itself is not too dissimilar to Monopoly to the Eye, really. It's a race sort of, it's a very standard kind of race set out, yeah. Images on our website, the Cheapser.com, at UK and Instagram of this board game that we're playing today. Nice colours. Nice very sort of 70s. 70. It reeks of the 70s. I was trying to find a date for this but I can't seem to find anything in the magazine. Credit cards didn't start coming

into sort of their own until the 70s right. So it must be 70s because the centre sort of prop piece here is a spinning dial that we use to get our moves on but it also is a card reader a plastic card reader and that's what they used to have those

Xerox ones that people of our age remember Paul. Yes. Where you put your card down and then when they rubbed the little presser on top of it it printed in your bank card details onto the check or whatever it copied the number over basically it's that paper isn't it whatever that pay rose was it called that though zerox paper yes so xerox was still the company that made xerox it's one of those things um because it was one of those things like hoover or cleenex blue tack because you'd say oh zerox it meaning just copy it yeah so i don't think we're going to get to the point where we end up using the credit card machine but the idea is at a certain point

You're probably going to run out of money because things are quite expensive so you can ask for loans. You can use our plastic. Yeah. Yeah. So you can borrow up to a thousand pound but nothing more.

So that means if you borrow 200 quid first and then you want to borrow money later, you can only borrow 800. And you keep a note of that on your little shopping list. I've got my little shopping list here. We've got a little shopping list. You get a little plastic credit card thing which you just lay on it

and then when the time comes, you do the thing you were saying about the Xerox. There's a spinner. And it spins. It's quite a clever little thing. And then Eva says, oh, in this case, It says credit not accepted or credit approved.

Credit approved. And then you get the money. And then, well, I say, the rules get very complicated after a certain point where it's like if you run out of all your debt and loan and you still need bills to pay, then you have to give your shopping list to someone until you collect enough money on the payday thing to pay off your debts. So it gets, we're not going to get there. We're not going to get there. The rules are you go around the board, you can enter the department store, furnace, at any point and go in a loop and just keep shopping. It's like late stage capitalism gone mad. Every store has a stack of cards,

and on top of those cards is the price of the items in that store. However, they do say keep an eye on the colouring. For example, in one of the furniture stores, the lamp is, for example, worth $30. But if we go over to here, what's this store called? This is just a different, it hasn't got a name. It's another furniture store. Within the same mall, on the same street, do we think?

It's the same block. It's the same. It's a block, yeah. It's like a big department store block in New York or something. And the lamp in this shop is 90. So you might want... Much cheaper. Yeah. It's a bargain, Paul.

So darker coloured squares with items on are going to be cheaper than the lighter. In the equivalent store. And you've got two pairs of stores. You've got two furniture stores, two... Apartments. And then, but there's one standalone store. Pet shop. So there's no cheaper items you can get anywhere else.

The dog, if you want a dog, Paul, and I know you do desperately want a dog. You know me. I love dogs. You desperately want a dog. Knightley, but, I'm sorry, I'm dog knightly, I'm an actor. Sorry. Oh, bro, do you all not a day? They call me the sex shepherd. Oh, yeah?

One man and his throb. Okay, thank you. Come boy. Come boy. There you go. There you go. Come on, let's, can we move on, please? So, yeah, there's a pet shop.

There are 19 items and all you've got to collect. We're going to play this for 20 minutes to see what we can buy, see what the rules go as we play. You have to get every item. Yes, you have to win the game. Oh, no, you don't. You do. You have to get every item.

No, you only need to get two of the pets. I can see here. But that's every item. No, because there's a lizard. Mate, you'll miss, forget the, the schlops. I'm talking about your shopping list. I'm looking at the shopping list. And you have to complete all the shopping list is what I'm saying.

Yeah, but on the pet shop list. There's only two pets, yes. So that means you can get any two of those, but there's lots of them. You don't have to get every item. No, on your shopping list, which is what I would. saying. Yes. So you have to get two pets.

Yeah. I want to say you have to get every pet. But there's more than two pets in the shop. Yes, but you have to get every pet. That's the point of making. That's just the point of making. And you could splash out on a dog if you wanted to, if you got the money to. And I like splashing out on dogs. So, there are event cards as well.

You don't have to get every item on. Shut up, you're fucking ignorant, fucking Hobbit. There are also event cards and bargain finding cards and they'll change up the play as we go. You know, he means it when he says Hobbit, Hobbit, everyone. That's where he reserves. I'm going to say troglodyte, but I always say troglodyte, so I'm trying to mix it up. You don't always say troglodyte. I do always say troglodyte.

I've said it four times now. Trogledite. Trogletite. What about a troggit or a hoblodite? Yeah, now we're cooking with Steve. No, you're more like the trog's, the band the trogs. I see it in my fingers. I see it in my fingers.

I see it on my fingers. I see it in my fingers. I feel you in my fingers. I feel you with my fingers. I feel you with my fingers. toes. I spunk on your whole body. Spunk is all around you. And so

the stickiness close. And it curves. That's the weird. You know how gush on you, I always will. My glands made up by the swelling I feel. There's no beginning.

There'll be no end. Until I fetch into your mouth. Anyway, that's the humor out the way. We're going to play the game now. So let's take Eli and I over to the game of A Bargain Hunter. And let's get going. Come on, everyone.

Hello, Philip Stickler here. And the crowd are going mad. They're getting ready here, and we're just going to go over to the players. Paul, it's over to you. You want to start playing? I'm just having a quick medical test before the show. Yes. Nice and clean down there.

Doctor, you saw me before this segment. Smells of Argos catalogs. Oh, lovely. I can just stay here for the duration. And the doctor has given us the all-clear. He's waved his little flag. Oh, not you. Oh, not you.

You're not clear. I'm Philip Stickler. You don't have to smell me. my knob. I want to smell Philip Stickler. No, no, I'm just commentating around here. My knob's got not neither here nor there. Get a pass, sir. Thank you. Can you go get out now? It's time for me and Eli to play. Philip Stickler signing off. We're actually standing up to play this because I've put it on a little table and we're standing up. It's all very oof. Right. He's got some energy. Do you want to go first or second? And then I'll start the timer. I'll go first.

All right. In that case, we begin bargain hunting in five, four, three, two, one. And I'm going to spin the spinner to start. Is that right, Paul? Yes. And I'm the red little man. We've got 20 minutes. I'm the red little man. Not that it matters. I'll hit one.

Green. So you move one space. Go to any store space, it says. There you go, so you can go to there. If you want to go to... Is that the store space? You can go to... Oh, but I might not want to go there.

You don't have to, but... Can I go to the pet shop? Yeah. Do you want to go to the pet shop? I'm going to go to the pet shop. All right, cool. Right, my turn to spin. That's literally right on the line.

Would you agree? So spin again. Eight. That's a lot. That's a lot more. That's the most you can get. Don't want to go to auto repairs. Now, he's entered...

He's entered one of the department stores. Right, the department stores says sale. What does that mean? He's consulting the rules. Everybody. Perhaps we'll go back over to Philip Stickler for a bit more commentary. Yeah, go for him while I do this. Philip, over to you.

Thank you, Eli. Philip Stickler here, and I'm at a real God's eye view up here. I'm in a blimp, and I'm just... looking over at the driver, the flyer, the pilot of the blimp, and he's drinking a big bottle, and it's got X, X, X, X on the side. Oh dear, the driver's on moonshine. How did it breathe? I can wrap the stick on the house.

Okay, shut up now. Stickler can get fucked. Basically, when you land on a sales square in a department store, which is I'm in a department store, it means you can take the top car with the prices and move it to the bottom and reveal new prices. But I can't look in advance. It might not be a sale then.

But it depends on what I want. So maybe if I wanted, for example, the clothes dry, which is formed in 25. You can compare it with the price is in the other store. Yeah. Then it might be cheaper on the card below. Right. So I, for a laugh, I'm going to do that and get the game going. Do you want to get this car below? I'll do it for you, Paul. But what are you going to get?

I don't know yet. Oh. So just put it up the bottom. Take that card off and put it at the bottom. I'm doing that right now and I'm putting the back. Right. There's your list. I can't move again now because I'm not on an item.

Now I go. Yeah, you'll go. Do I have to roll to get into the pet shop? No, you're in the pet shop if you want to go in the pet shop. So I can go and buy something now. Once you're inside it, yeah, right now you're on the outside looking in effectively. But how do I get in? Just roll your dice.

That's what I'm said. Do I roll? Yes. And I also said yes. You don't. You don't. You're not a good person. You want to just carry on doing this and wasting time. Yeah.

Go on. I'm sick of this. This is boring. Right. Well, then, Mr. Goh. No, I'm Mr. Goh. You're not a god of this. I'll get a stickler in.

All right. Yes, he can skip a go. That's not stickler's voice. That is not Stickler's voice. Eight. So, you have to go all eight moves. But again, like I said, when you go to that space, you can loop again. So you have to stay on that square now.

What's that square say? That just says go back to there. That's the loop square, basically. Yeah, do nothing. This is great. Right, my go. Four, seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Oh, dishwash. Dishwasher. What's the dishwasher? Oh, it's 225. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm going to pay for a... I'm going to put the money. In the bank, which is just over there. So how much is it at $2.25?

Yeah, that's a bit of surprise, isn't it? Who's in charge of the bank? 20. Oh, it's Uncle Paul. Why does Uncle Paul always win at Monopoly? I don't win a monopoly? He cheats. I don't win.

He cheats. He cheats. He steals. He steals. He's the banker and he cheats. He steals it. I never play Monopoly to cheat. I never want to play Monopoly. Look, 225, Eli, just so you know. Let me see that. Let me see that.

That wasn't 200. He's shown me the large notes. Right, five. And I can cross off. There's 225 he's put in. I can cross it off now. My list, so I'm going to do that. So write your name at the top, please, Paul.

P, G. Well, did I just buy dishwasher? Yeah. So dishwasher was 225. I can cross it off my list. Right, Eli's go then. You go on. 16 minutes left.

it's your time you're wasting and I'm winning so far six six so you can go one two three four five six lizard do you want a lizard I do how much is it I bet's more than the others is 65 dollars I can pay that's one of my pets I could pay you you want a 60 you give me 65 and you can cross off one of your pets you can even write down the name of it if you want what do you want to call your lizard hello I'm mr mr petman and I own pet man land and would you like to buy a lizard sir Yes, please.

Here's a lizard. This lizard's called Andrew. How much is he? He's $65, please. I would like $65 for Philip the lizard. Andrew. Andrew the lizard. His name doesn't matter.

He doesn't recognize it. That was literally seconds between names. It was Philip. It's Philip. It's Philip like Stickler, like him. Why have we only got a pool of three male names on this show? I know. It's Jimmy and Philip.

Yeah, Jimmy, Philip, Bob. Fuck me. Billy Gibb. That's a good character name. Billy Jimit fuck mob me Is that 65 I've given you 50 60 I can count for that Yeah that's good

Is that right? Yeah Right next I'm crossing off pet one Right I'll spin Five Where's my pen One two

Three four five Clothes dryer Oh that's very expensive 450 fucking dollars How much is it in the other shot 300 Oh maybe I'll go over there then I need to find some cheap shit

What's the cheapest stuff here The cheapest thing is the iron, which is... Why, we're going to get back? I have to roll of three. Anyway, go on, you'll go. Eight, nine, three. Three. One, two, three.

Or do you want to go around the board? Do you want to move to a different shop? No. Can I go back this way? No, you can't go backwards. Why can't I go that? It's a loop. You go clockwise round it or whatever.

But when you go into a store, you're in a loop. Two, three. So you're at the entrance. Right, next go. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. there he would land on another sale he's in the department store

he's done it he's gone to sail go on so you don't have to change you don't have to do the sale no you don't need to it's just there as an option no no you don't want to just to be clear yeah okay I'm gonna spin the spin

I'm Gary department store and I'm keeping prices as they are Gary that's the other one Gary Gary pricing my name is Gary pricing people aren't really called Gary these days have you noticed that Not many Gary's no Gaza Gary

Gary's an old school name Right, five you did. One, two, three, four, five. Do you want a cat? Yeah. How much is the cat? The cat is 50. I'm getting a.

What's the cat? I'll get the cat out, shall I? Here's the cat for you, sir. I am Ted Petman. Here we go. I took over the business from the other one I forgot the name of. Andrew Philitt. No, my name is Ted Petman.

No, but he was the guy who I know. I know, but now it's Ted Petman. Yeah, but now it's Ted Petman's Land. It's now Ted. Is it still called Petman's Land? Yeah, it is. He just took over the company. How much is this cat then?

50. 50. Cheaper than the lizard. It is, isn't it? So, bargain. And all my pets needs... I can give you change because there's money in the bank. Give us a change.

No, I've got 50. Exactly, yeah. All right, 50 is. You can cross it off your list then now. Pet 1 and Pet 2. That's good in it. Right, next, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Go back to any space in this department store. Or draw an event's card. Let's do that. Okay, he's going to draw an events card. What does it say on the events card? Rich Uncle pays off all your credit card debts now, which I don't have, so this card is pointless. Put it on the bottom. There we go.

And I get to spin. Spinny, spinny. Right, number eight. Three. I keep saying, because it looks like eight and the arrows on it. Just wait a second for your perceptive facilities. One, two, three. Go to any space in this shop or draw an events card.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm going to get the next pink events card. What's it say? The card reads... Philip Stickler should read this out because he's in charge of rules. Really?

Yeah. We'll go over to Philip then. Go on, Philip. What's the card say? Okay, boys. Philip Stickler here. Thank you. Yes.

Great game. I just want to say you guys are really inspirational to everyone here. We're doing our best, Mr. Stickler. Thank you very much. You are our heroes of our hearts. Nah.

And I read the card in my official capacity as... Suddenly regretting this creative decision. But go on. Card reader. Philip Sticker. No, I'm going to have to read this. All right.

Stores close for the night. All players in stores go to window shopping. Oh. Oh. Shit, so I've got to go to that and then you go to that. Neither us are in stores. No, it says... Oh, really?

So then nothing happens. Fuck it then. Right, my spitties. No, we're not, are we? We're not in the store. No, you're right. Right, that's eight. I'm going to go around the board.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh, he's on it. Oh, hunger strikes. Fucking hell, hunger strikes. That's a bit political. That's a bit political. Hunger strikes. I know, it's weird.

Is that like the troubles or something? Because you're meant to go back to the restaurant square and then just do that. But you could have just gone, oh no. Hunger strikes. Hunger strikes. I thought it was hunger strikes like the IRA. Like political. All of a sudden the board game gets political.

Hunger strikes. Yeah. No, they could have phrased that better. You get hungry. Maybe it's just like, oh, tummy achy, go for nom knobs or something. That'll be better. If your tummy aches, you don't want to eat. Tommy grumbly.

Yeah, maybe. That's what you want to put there. Oh, starving. Oh, no, starving. Like, that's starving. That's when you dive. Oh, I've got Tommy Grumbly. Tommy Grumbles.

Go back to restaurants. Right. Anyway, armchair. How much is the armchair? 350. What's the other armchair? 200 in this store. Everything's cheaper in this store.

I know, because it's further away, isn't it? Fuck. You've got to get out of that store. I know. I'm going to win. No, it's the different store. This is the best game I've ever seen in my life. This is the best game I'm going to win.

I'm not going to buy anything. You can move on. You can tell me. Tell you, right. You know, I'll tell you, have you got pet one and two? No. How many items you got? One dishwasher.

Eight. Oh, here we go. Do you want to go in the loop? Oh, no, you've bought your pet shops now. So one, two, three. Well, you can go into the store if you want. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh, you're going to go there.

Kitchen set. Right, the kitchen set in this. And it's cheaper there. It's 700. Over there, it's 500 in that store. So you're in the more expensive store right now. Now, do you want to buy a soda at that? Yeah.

You want to blow 700 That means you'll suddenly be in debt Oh, don't give a shit, do I? You meant, well, that means you won't win It means even if you've got two pets You won't win because you'll have debts No, we go first Because we're not playing the proper rules

We go first to how many who's got the most items, right? But also who has the most money left at the end as well So on the off chance that we both have the same number of items Who's got the most money? Yeah, so then you'd have far less than me You'd have nothing. You know what, fine, I want to win this I'm not buying it, not buying it.

No, you just said you're going to do I'm just going to get Philip Stickler in about Now, Philip, if he commits to the rules, should he still have to commit to them? I'm sorry, Paul. Philip Stickler here. I'm actually on a break. Don't mind. I'll be back in a second.

In that case, I'm going to have to call in Alan, make your mind up. Alan? Oh, God, Alan's having one of his turns. Alan's having one of his turns. Oh, I think I understand, Alan, make your mind up. I understand his language He's saying Eli doesn't have to buy the thing

It wasn't a binding agreement All right, all right, Alan If you say so, mate, all right, okay, I get it Might go Five Right, where should I go One, two, three, four, five Sofa

That's expensive That's expensive How much is it in the other shop? Sofer in that shop is 300 And how much is it here? It's six on them Why do I go to all the expensive shops?

You're in the wrong shop, bro I'm not going here, you spin. I'm not shopping in this fucking shit hole. Three. Uh, one, two, three. Armchair. How much is it say? 200.

And in that one, it is 350. 350. I'm going to, I'm going to get that armchair. You have 300. Of course I have 300. I've spent 110 or something. I know about my mind. What are you trying to fucking use money is this?

Come on, then. Whose money is this? My money. What is it, 300? Yeah. Fucking there's the money. Right, cross it off your list then. You know what?

would be nice if you got little cards or something, armchair. Little tokens to say what you bought. Oh, it's £200, not three. Fucking hell. You gave me three. I said it was two. We'll see about that. I'm still not cheating you. I still actually helped you out. I could have been like, oh, everyone. But no fucking Alan

Stickler's watching, isn't he from the corner? It's not called Alan. Bobby Stickler. Something like that. Right, my goes. What was that? An armchair? Yeah, it'd be nice if there's a little picture of a... Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That, yeah. A little niggle there right

yeah clock that's a little niggle we have right I'm gonna buy the clock because it's only 20 and I can cross

it off my list clock all right go to me my go then put your money in yeah put your money in the bank

money in the bank 20 bosh your go spin it to win it then then you can have a nice little clock picture then

yeah instead of just ticking a dry box yeah go on which is what I did for years of a marriage come on

Come on! I love it! Tick a dry box! He forgot his name. Barry made your mind up. Alan make your mind up. Alan make your mind up. Oh my God, Barry! You're wasting time. You're wasting a minute to the clock because you've been done for time wasting.

Eighthury time. I got eight. We're an injury time because I go fucking next yet. Come on. Oh, Jesus Christ. He shoved me hard everywhere. You can go out of the store or you can go out of the store again. All right, go on.

Eight. One, two, three, four. five, six, seven. Go back to any store space. You can go to any store space. Anyone you want. But you can't buy anything. You just get to go to that space.

So, it's up to you. What's that? A dump furniture. I'm going to go to the department store. Yeah, go to the department store. There you go. Cool. Right, next I spin.

Eight again. Eight again. Eight again. Here we go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Bed. Three fifty, bed, one, fifty. I've got to get out of this fucking.

It's too expensive here. So I'm going to go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Oh, sale. What does that mean? It means I can get to swap a card, can't I? But I'm in no shop. So what's an expense?

I'm going to swap this one. The top star of the green department store. There you go. It's called bastards this store. Because they're so steep. Well, no, there's none of the people who own it have dads. Right, come on, your go. Oh, dear.

It's true. Do you want to go into sluts? Bastards have dads. Does it just mean they're not married to the mother? That's what it meant. No, but all the people are bastards because they didn't have a role model in their life, a male role model. Oh, so you're using it in the colloquial way.

Yeah, yeah. And that's why all the price are so cheap because these people are damaged because they didn't have daddy. Okay, good. Riggled your way out of that one. Not really, because I've basically said that if you don't bring up with a dad, you've got problems, and that's not true. You've said all sorts of really weird problems.

Shut up. Right, it's too sweaty. Dad's beat you up, mothers fuck you up. That's the rule. Deary me. Put that in a bad. book. Three.

Three. One, two, three. No, that's me. That's you. Jesus Christ. Come on. Get a handle. Jesus Christ.

Get a handle on it. Go on. I've got a handle on it. One, two, three. Toaster. How much is it? Right, the toaster in that store is 15. I'll have that.

Yeah, go on. Pay for it with your money. I'll have that toaster. All right, then. Five minutes left on the clock. God, it can't go quick enough. I thought you said you'd like this a minute ago. Your best game ever, you said.

If I win, I like it. Yeah, if I don't, it's shit. Just give us the money, quick. Fifteen, yeah? Yeah, toasty, yeah? Yeah, cross it off. I'm going to spin mine now. Three, rabbit.

Oh, 45. I'll do that. I'm going to buy a rabbit for 45. So I'm going to put a 50 down and then take five chains. He's in the pet shop. Right, and then I take it back. So I can get a, I got a rabbit. I got a rabbit.

His name's Thumper. Well, that's a decent name for a rabbit. I'm going to call him Thumper. and I'm going to tick that off. Oh, I'm going to spin again because that's right on the edge. Yeah, go for it. I'll allow it.

One. Shit. Where are you there? Sale. So you can change a card in that store if you wanted to change the prices. No? No.

No, you can't go that way. That's the opposite way of when you went. You have to go forward one space to the sale. I have to go to sale. Yeah. So you can swap a card. You can swap it to the bottom if you want, but you can't buy anything.

You just have to replace it to the bottom. No. Leave it. Right. I'll go next there. You have to spin. One. Exotic.

fish? Oh, it's 225. Wow, that's a lot more than the rabbit. But I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it, because I've always wanted to have a little clownfish, like the film Finding Nemo. Is that a clownfish? Yeah. And I'm going to pay 125. Right, 125. What about instead of clowns

with the world's largest fleshlight descending on Hemelhamsted? It was a bunch of clown fish. Yeah, yeah. We've run out of comedic steam, everybody. Yep, yeah. Right, I'm going to put this fish money in. Fish money in. Fish money in.

Don't start, that reminds me. Fish money out. Fish money in. No, what was that fish market song? It's a fish song. We won't go into that. Right, you'll go roll the spinner. That should have been on the LP.

The fish market song. Did you think about that? No, because it was probably copyrighted music from some Japanese anime. Oh, the actual tune itself, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I also forgot that Ash did a rap for us many years ago.

Remember he did that dance track for your envision, like year dot. Really? Yeah, it's on YouTube. I forgot about it until I accidentally sort the other day. I was like, oh yeah, I just did some music for me, like a little weird dance track. Could have used that, but missed the boat. Oh, well.

Anyway, did you roll it? Yeah, one. So you can get the iron if you want. How much is it there? $10, it's that one. Yeah, go on, $10. Right, cool. Cross it off your list.

Next one. See, I told you we wouldn't get to use the cards. Eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Stove. Stove is 100. I'm going to buy a stove. Electric iron.

Did you say? It's the electric iron. No, it just says an iron. There's no electric iron. There is. Oh, it does say electric iron on your list, but it just says iron on the sheet. That's another little mistake there, isn't it? Yeah, because it doesn't say here.

It must mean electric iron. Yeah, it is, it is. So, good, and then I take that, and then that goes there. Oh, my gosh. He's been dodgy on the bank, everyone. I'm not being dodgy with the bank. He's been well dodge. Right.

Dejory dodge. Do. One minute 40. Spin yours. This is going to be our last go each, I think. Four. One, two, three, four. That's not, that's you. I know. I'm just wondering if you want to move where I am. You don't know what's going on at all. One, two, three, four. Do you want to change the car to keep them? Right, my go. This is it. Six. Six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Refrigerator. How much? Uh, five hundred. I'm not paying it. I'm not paying it. I just don't want to pay 500 for a fridge. Well, let's do. It's just because of that. One, two. Dish washer. How much is it?

Dish washer is 225. Okay, there you go. You got 500. I want two, seven, five change. Two, fifty, sixty, seventy, five. And then. Thank you. If you don't mind, there's 50 seconds on the clock.

Can we make this the last spin that way it's even then? Yeah, yeah. Right, good. Because I spun first, didn't I? Yeah. Four. One, two, three, four. You're going to have to try and buy it else you lose.

Do you have enough? 30. Oh, I've got enough. Right, that's it. 30. 25.30. Right. Okay.

Right. You were right. Neither of us got to use our plastic. No. Okay. Of the 19 items, you said? Yeah. Should we just wait the time out?

Oh, well, I'm stumped for shopping for today. I've got to go home now. I'm going to go to the place to eat. Oh, where do you want to go? No. It's called the place to eat in Brent Cross, isn't it? Remember? I never know. I always think of Brent Cross. I love Brent Cross. I go to Brent Cross just by myself. Good. Do you know that? You deserve to go to Brent Cross. Oh, there he are. You can't talk about Brent Cross no more. Right. He doesn't like it when I talk about Brent Cross.

How many items did you buy? Brent Cross and Bellatro. They're the no-no. How many items did you buy? I got one, two, three, four, five, six. I got one, two, three, four, five, six. I got the two pets, a clock, a blend, a dishwasher and the stove. And I got the two pets, an armchair, a dishwasher, an iron and a toaster. But how much money do we have left? I'll let you count first. I have. So, but he can't accuse me of cheating.

Yeah, you're fidgeting on. 300. 300. And what? 300 and what? Oh dear, he can't do his money very well. 20, 40, 60. That's a 50, 60, 85, 385.

Yeah, 385. That's a 50, 400 and 35. Okay. So, I have left, one, two, three, 55. Right, so I win. You win, you have more money. Just out of interest, though. I'm not saying you've lost.

You hear that. Do you hear that little sound of the bad losing there, you've lost, but you spent 700 quid on one thing. No, I didn't, remember? I didn't, remember? Alan came along, and he said his special language that I didn't have to, I didn't have to buy it, even though I said I would buy it.

Do you remember? That was the, yeah. He's fucking, he's got well angry, everyone. He's, oh, he's breaking stuff. He's literally throwing the game on the floor. Oh, he's throwing stuff about. Fucking loose. Come on.

This is my segment. I'm meant to win it every week. I'm sorry. What's going on? Have you made a pack with the devil? No. You're winning price of shites every week. Winning this now, are you?

I'm just on a bit of a hot streak. I smelled your hot streak when you were in the toilet before. You did another poo joke then. I've done a poo joke. That's how we're ending this segment with a massive strop on a poo joke. I won. Yay. Well, once again, Paul's come out as the loser.

And so I will concede that Eli was the better man in that game. Eli's the champion. Eli's the champion. No time. Ooh. Oh, Alan. Alan, who won that? I can decide for that.

He does say it was definitely Eli. I know. Even I've got to agree with. If Alan says so, Alan make your mind up says so, Philip Stickler. All the new characters we've invented today. Do the fucking outro. Ted Pet Shop as well.

Do the housework. Oh, the cheap show. Co.co. Co. You cock, okay. You've got cock cake. I've got cock cake. I've got... Get the doctor out. What's this? Let me see it. Let me see it. Put it out, sir. I'm William...

Oh, it looks like cake, doctor. I'm William Pee-Pinus, and I wish to look at your sponge cake of cock. Oh, it looks really cakey. Is that meringue or a thick grind around your gizzard? I think it's lemon curd. Right, move on. Please. Yes.

Right, put some ointment on. I've got some very special ointment. Rub it on. Let me see it. Rub it faster. I'm going to do the fucking... The Cheap Show.com. At UK is you one-stop shop for everything Cheap Show.

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just help spread the word on social media reviewing us on apps and things like that you know all the stuff like that help spread the word of the award winning

cheap show comedy podcast and don't spread your bum cheeks we're back next week and I can tell you all now what we're going to do we're doing mini discs next week we're going to do mini discs and lost media

because I not that I'm proud of it but I found me when I was 15 on a mini disc so we'll be listening to that me you found yourself I went to many places but eventually I found me.

No, you found a recording of yourself just to be clear, yeah. So if anyone wants to hear how... Oh, I'm looking forward to that. I will just say, if you want to hear how my humour has not changed in 40 years, there you go, you can enjoy that.

Somehow, I'm not surprised. No, I listened back to it before you turned up and I was like, it's the same shit, isn't it? Yeah, really is. Really, really is, except I'm younger and I have more joy and hope in my life, which I don't have now. Right, that's all we're doing next week.

We're a few weeks away from episode 450. Wow. We've got a big episode planned and also it will tie into the Cheap Show album If you missed out on buying it Sooner or later It will be available on the Diggers Factory website I've got a big log planned

And we'll tell you on social media Or the next week's episode Where you can buy it if you missed out You can have a way Right come on What? Come on, let's go now Okay I'm gone Bye

Press the button Bye Bye Bye everyone Kind of feel like I want a character No I do a character Go on do any character you want right now Just to say off

Thanks guys Philip Stickler here and we've had a wonderful Glitaine's Golden Games here in the Triple G Stadium and I can just see the people milling out and Eli has gone up to the special royal podium and he's going to meet

Charlie King's Sosci Fingers Oh, hello Eli. That's it, that's all. Thank you Eli, thank you, bye. Thank you.